What kind of a kitten comes from the Middle East? A Chukat. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chukat is the Parsha. You mispronounce it, and the pun works. Do the Israeli chach, 'Chet' sound for a while. And it can be funny. The Chu is the purr. This pun is all about delivery. It takes a lot of effort to make this one work. But if you commit, you can educate people on Hebrew, and how the Middle Eastern people talk.
 
How do you curse a nation? Bil-em. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Bill them. Bilam was the prophet Balak sent for to curse the Jews. When you say Bilam fast, it sounds like 'bill them.' You've got to say the pun fast. 'Am' is a nation. Bill the nation. Nobody likes paying bills. That's a curse. Educational. You can learn from puns too.
 
What do we call it when people can't find hot water for their coffee in times of morning? Bein HaMeykarim. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Now is the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, called the Bein HaMeitzarim (between the sorrows). Bein HaMeykarim (between the cold waters) almost sounds the same. People mourn not having their coffee in the morning. Morning. Mourning. That's another pun you can work with. We're here to help.
 
How do Chasidim ask when you're going to read this week's Parsha? Masai.
You get it? Masai is the second Parsha we read that week. Matai means when. Masai is how Frum people say it. If the name of the Parsha wasn't Masai, we wouldn't have a pun this week.
 
How do you know it’s Tisha BAv? When you see the table on the ceiling. (Mordechai)
You get it? Knowing Yiddish helps with puns. Tish is a table. Above means above. Ceilings are above. You have to say Tisha BAv fast, with an American Ashkenazi accent, for this to work. On Tisha BAv we don't eat, so it doesn't matter if the table is on the ceiling.
 
They met for coffee on their Shidduch date. A few minutes later they were engaged in drinking. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Engaged to get married. They're just drinking. Engaged works for both. Coffee leads to engagement.
 
You may not like the taste of sand. Though, It tastes like desert. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Desert. Dessert. Jews ate Manna in the desert.. Don't know if that was dessert. We needed a no dessert in the desert pun. Mispronounce 'desert' and it's brilliant.

He said he was only giving ten percent to charity. They called him a Mayser. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Miser. Mayser. Mayser is a tithe. They sound alike. If a Mayser was a type of person, it would work. He'd be a Mayser who gives Mayser. The Mayser would be a Miser.
 
They had two very big Challas. So we wished them a 'Gluten Shabbis.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? In Yiddish, you say 'Guten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect changes it to 'Gluten.' There's gluten in bread. Challah. Gluten. Guten. 'Gluten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect is a great Jewish pun writer. Rabbi and Rabbit...
 
This crazy man was screaming at milk. It turns out he's lactose intolerant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? On Shavuot we eat dairy. Intolerant means the body can't handle it or not tolerant and bigoted. In the beginning, it seemed like he just hated dairy. He shouldn't have said it was off. That was offensive. We needed the intolerant to milk pun for our collection to be complete.
 
Her stomach distended. That's when she said she'd never drink sotah again. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An accused wife, drinks bitter water. If her stomach distends, she's a Sotah. Soda. Sotah. They sound the same. Soda has fizz and distends the stomach too. So many similarities. Love it. She had a sense of humor about her sentence. A funny not loyal wife. Don't know if her husband laughed or not.

There was only one Bachur. In their Mother's stomach there wasn't enough womb. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Bachur is the firstborn. The first one out of the womb. Room. They sound the same, if somebody can't pronounce the 'r.'
 
How do you Daven in shul with an infant? You need to get a baby siddur. ​(Mordechai)
You get it? Babysitter. Baby Siddur. It sounds the same. A Siddur is a prayer book. Babysitters take care of kids. Brilliant and practical. 
 
What did people against Moshe eat on Pesach? A sandwich for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sounds like Korech. Korech is the Hillel sandwich. Korach. Korech. Korach's followers would've eaten what Korach said to eat. Not Hillel. A Korach sandwich for Korech.

The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb.
 
Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse.
 
I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai)
You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there.

To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money.
 
They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives.

What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun.

They're planning a party for the Kohens. They're calling it the Big Day Kahuna.
You get it? The Torah talks about the Kohens and their clothes. Bigdei means clothes. Kahuna means of Kohens. Big Kahuna, an American idiom. You should have vast knowledge to get into pun creation. 

Everybody gave half a shekel when they counted Jews. It spoke to their census. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A census is counting. They did that in the desert. To avoid a plague, and death, heads weren't counted, but the half shekels. Makes sense. Senses. Their senses. Their census.
 
Why was the activity not exciting last Shabbat? They were board games. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Board. Bored. Not fun. Board games are a great Shabbat activity. Make them fun. Puns are better said. Not written. Look away and say 'board games'… Now, it’s funny.

He wouldn't need to be good at singing or music if he had a talent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A talent is something you're good at. A talent is a weight of money, which was a lot of silver in the times of the Torah. With all that silver he would be rich enough to not need to be talented. Puns are about education.
 
I asked a hippie, dressed as a villain, 'Who are you dressed as?' He said, 'HeyMan.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lot of people pronounce Haman as Haymen. That's close enough to Hey Man. And that's how hippies talk. It's not just a costume, it's a way of life, a mindset. Artistic expression is very important when sharing puns.
  
What's it called when they pour seltzer on the Altar? A Karbon Dioxide... Then they recite Mizmor LSoda.
You get it? The offerings in the Temple were called a Karbon. Carbon Dioxide is the fizz in the soda... Soda. Mizmor LSoda is one of the types of songs in Tehillim. Brilliant. A double pun. And bilingual necessity. Doesn't get better than this.

How did Ha-Shem get the burning bush to ignite? It was a match made in Heaven.
You get it? The bush was from heaven. Sometimes, a pun is about the meaning it brings to your life.
 
Why did the Jews want to leave Egypt? Because the juice was bad... Mitz Ra'im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz Ra'im means bad juice. Egypt is Mitzrayim. Another brilliant bilingual Biblical pun. We stayed away from the Jews juice pun, because we have high standards.
 
What do you give a dog who's good at math? A chesh-bone.
You get it? Cheshbon is an invoice in Hebrew, also used to mean math. Really smart dogs say Matimatikah. Plagues affect the animals. The Parsha last week... To understand our puns, we suggest you take up Semitic languages.
 
Why couldn't they figure out the type of wheat it was? Because of the way it was spelt. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Spell a word. Spelt is a type of wheat. Tu BShvat is about the seven species of Israel. One is wheat. Educational too.
 
The guide dogs that wandered with the Jews were called Seen-eye Dogs. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mount Sinai. Seeing eye sounds like Sinai, if you pronounce 'Sinai' in proper Hebrew. And, maybe Ten Commandment dogs did help blind people. A spiritual pun, and phonetically sound too. Note: You have to say 'seeing eye' very fast, and without the 'g,' for it to sound like Sinai. 
 
Unlike a Canaanite slave, if you knock out a Jewish slave's teeth, he doesn't go free. He's only an in'denture'd servant.
You get it? The Jewish slave's teeth aren't real. Dentures.
 
They celebrated a lot in the Mikdash (the Temple). That's why they used acacia wood. It's good for all acacians. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Acacia, Occasions. We did our part. That's close enough.

A coworker just complained that the work is eating at her kishkas. I told her she should see a derma'tologist.
You get it? Derma means intestines and kishka means intestines. Dermatologists don't deal with intestines. Stuffed derma tastes excellent.

How do we know a salmon that's on fire is Ashkenaz? Cause it's a lit-fish.
You get it? Litvish are Lithuanian Jews. Most are connected to the Ashkenaz Yeshivas. The fish is lit.
 
To appease Esav, Yaakov sent Doron. That's why we never hear about that son. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Doron means gifts and is a name. Esav hates Yaakov. So, Yaakov splits his family, and sends Esav gifts.
 
Nobody wanted to eat the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. It was really ofe.  (Rabbi Mendel) 
You get it? 'Off' means it didn't taste right. 'Ofe' means chicken in Hebrew. Turkey is not chicken, even in Israel. We bring you the best bilingual puns.

My kids left half-eaten Chanukah gelt, and I was stuck with some Bitcoin.
You get it? A lot of times, Chanukah gelt is chocolate coins. People bite those, makin them bit. Bitcoin is...

My black hat is not floppy. It’s always in a solid state.
You get it? Black hat brims can be flimsy or firm, as in a solid state. Computers used to have floppy disks. Solid state hard drive.

I bought a loaf of bread but returned it to the store because it was overbaked. It was a Mekach Toast.
You get it? Mekach Taot is a faulty sale. Toast. Add an 's.' Another brilliant and educational bilingual Halachik pun. 

On Yom Kippur, I want to be at a relaxed Minyin. I don’t want to be at one that's in-tents.
You get it? With COVID, many shuls are having services in tents. People are also very intense. Amazing.

An Etrog is the only item in which "BiDots" is not kosher.
You get it? Badatz is a kosher certification in Israel. It sounds the same as 'BiDots.' ‘Bi’ as a prefix can mean ‘with,’ in Hebrew, and an Etrog can’t be with dots. Another amazing bilingual pun. We are your source for puns that you have to be multilingual to understand.
 
I knew something fishy was going on when I saw lox on all the doors.
You get it? Lox is a fish. Locks are used on doors. Fish are created on the fifth day. Do you hear it? Think phonetically. Like any good pun, it has to be told, not written. The most brilliant pun yet.
 
I do my job religiously. I always wear my Yarmulka at work.
You get it? Wearing a Yarmulke is religious. Working diligently is religious too. Mordechai is a good Jew, and brilliant.
 
What do you call a bird with good Hebrew grammar? A dikduck.
You get it? Dikduk means grammar in Hebrew. Substituting 'duk' with 'duck.' Brilliant. And the animals are laughing too.
 
Why did they say Psalms for the sick man? Because they wanted To-HEaL-hIM.
You get it? We say Tehillim (psalms) for sick people. You want to heal them. Avraham wasn't well after the bris...
 
Avraham was very serious about burying Sarah, so he buried her in a grave. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Grave means serious, and it's also where you bury people. Avraham buries Sarah in the Cave of Machpela in Chevron. Puns are about the lesson.

My shul is looking for a seasoned Chazzan this Rosh Hashana. Applicants must reveal how much salt and pepper they're wearing.
You get it? Seasoned means experienced and spices. Brilliance.​
​
I couldn't read my notes at the memorial service and thought it was emotions, till I was told 'It's Yahrzeit.' (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The Yahrzeit is the yearly day of commemoration of one’s passing. Said fast, it’s pronounced ‘your site.' A dark pun for Shabbat Nachamu.

We wanted to play something that wasn't too exciting, so we played a board game. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Board. Bored. Like any good pun, it has to be phonetic. Close your eyes and say it now. You see?! And it's Jewish tradition to play board games on Shabbat.

The shul's Torah wasn't kosher, so some congregants went on Sefaria for a Torah scroll. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? The shul needed a new Torah scroll. The congregants went to Sefaria, a computer program with Torah, that people learn from. You scroll down a website!

The young man in shul was pursuing the girl, so he took her to the Beit Din, to court her. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Beit Din is a court. You court for romance. This week's Parsha talks about court and righteous judgment. I would like to thank my student, Bella, for her help on this brilliance.

We did a show for soldiers who laughed at everything. They were a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Captive audience is people who have to be there. People taken captive are prisoners. The soldiers were laughing cause they had to. The Parsha talks of a woman taken captive.

The Shofar guy at our shul last year. I don't know what others are thinking. He really blew it.
You get it? You blow the shofar. 'He blew it' means he did a bad job. Didn't blow well. Double meaning.

Why do Jews like to move around so much during davening? Because they want to set themselves apart from the idle worshippers.
You get it? Standing still is being idle. Jews move around a lot (shake or shukel) during prayers, which is davening. And they're not idol worshippers. Phonetically, this is the best joke. Thank you.
 
My friend had this really nice 'Lo Tachmod' poster... I wanted it so badly.
You get it? Lo Tachmod is the commandment to not covet what others have... Educational! And a bit of Musar (moral rebuke) for you.
 
How do you celebrate a cow turning 13? A Par Mitzvah.
You get it? A Para is a cow (the red heifer- Para Aduma). Change the 'B' with a 'P,' and take at the last 'A'... This week's Torah portion speaks of the Para Aduma... Par Mitzvah on a golf course? We're trying hard for you. Hope you appreciate it. At least we didn't do anything with 'Moo.'
 
What did Bilam's donkey say when Bilam went to curse the Jews? Nay. (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? That's what the horse said, even if misspelled. It's educational. That's why we do it. Horses are close enough to donkeys. And it's still unique, becauses horses don't say 'nay.' Nor do donkeys. And you also wouldn't see this one in a Laffy Taffy. We didn’t do the ‘moo’ one for the red heifer last week, so we figured we needed to do the neigh one this week. We didn’t want you to miss out.

They are planning a huge convention for Kohanim in the near future. The get-together will be called 'The Big Day Kahuna.'
You get it? Bigdei Kahuna are the clothing of the Kohen. 'Big Day' means something big is happening. The big Kahuna is the big Kahuna. And this week is Parshat Pinchas. Pinchas was given Kohen status.

A wise Ashkenazik Israeli was found asking when to read Parshat Matot, so the community decided we should read Matot-Masai. (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The two Parshas (Torah portions) are almost always read together, and 'Matai' means when. 'Masai' is how a frum Ashkenazi would say 'Matai'... Jewish history in a nutshell. This is part of the Hebrew puns of Ashkenazi dialect collection written in English. Next time, the pun will be 'we read Matot when we say Masai.' We believe that makes sense. The underline really adds to that pun. Helps with enunciation.

How can you tell if someone is living a double life? If people tell him "until 240" on his birthday.
You get it? We don't know if that's a pun. It might be. It definitely connects to Moshe. He lived to 120, the Jewish blessing of long life, and this week's portion is about him. It works. Maybe we should've went with, 'He was living a double life. He was 240.'
​It all works, because it's puns.

The price of Matzah keeps going up, but it's definitely not because of inflation. 
You get it? The dough doesn't inflate, because it's Matzah.

People who wear Techeiles are part of a fringe group.  
You get it? The Techeiles are the blue fringes (not worn by all), that are added to the Tzitizs/Tallis, which are also known as fringes. 

I bought a pair of Tzitzis for an unbelievable price. No strings attached. 
You get it? Tzitizs/Tallis is the four cornered garment with strings on the edges. Maybe he had to attach the Tztizis himself. Or maybe it was a good clean price. Who knows? 

Moderna is the vaccine for people who are Yeshivish, but use the internet.
You get it? Yeshivish people (known in Israel as Charedi) are called modern when they use a computer or watch TV. Moderna is the vaccine... 'Moderna' even sounds a bit like Hebrew.

J&J is the vaccine for Jews who keep strict Kosher, and don’t want Chazaras haShots. 
You get it? J&J is a food company known for their Cholov Yisrael dairy products, which ensures that pigs are not used for milk. Chazer is a pig. Chazer also means to return. Chazaras Hashatz is the repetition of the Amidah in shul. 'Chazaras HaShots' means Returning for shots. That's an extra pun in the same joke... There are so many levels here. 
(We have nothing for Pfeizer other than that it sounds like a Jewish name)
 
How do Israelis ask for seconds, around Lag BOmer time, during the reading of VaYikra? "Ehhh More?" (Rabbi Avi's)
You get it? Many Israelis make the 'ehhh' sound before sentences, and Emor is the name of the Parsha read at this time. Brilliant.
 
What do you call slaves with bad teeth? Indentured servants. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Yovel and Shmitah, in the Parsha, talks about freeing indentured servants. People with bad teeth have dentures. They're teeth are indentured. 

Where did the wandering Israelites go to drink? Bamidbar. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Bamidbar means 'in the desert' and 'mid' is there and 'bar' is too. Like a bar in the middle of the desert. It's almost a Hebrew pun, almost an English pun. It works. Watch. Say 'Bamidbar' again, slowly. Enunciate. Now it's funny.