How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know.
 
I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices.

Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow.
 
They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate.
 
In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education.
 
When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun..
 
Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels.

This month we focused on puns solely by Rabbi Mendel.

Why did their pet follow Halacha? It was a Chukat.
You get it? Kat. Cat. A Chok is a law. Chukat HaTorah means 'law of the Torah.' It was a cat that followed Halacha. For the pun to truly hit, it should be 'Chukkat.' We would’ve went with Chokat, but that isn’t correct Hebrew or the name of the Parsha.

They counted the people to make census of it.
You get it? Census. Sense. It makes sense to take a census. They took a census in the Parsha. Sometimes you have to use all five senses to make sense of a census.

Tisha BAv is a sad day. That's why many people Daven early in mourning.
You get it? Morning. Mourning. In the morning we do the Shacharit prayer. We left out the word 'the.' Correct grammar would kill the pun. If delivered by an Israeli, this pun sounds brilliant. Maybe try it with an Israeli accent.

The day before Tisha BAv went very slow. It wasn't a fast day.
You get it? Tisha BAv is a fast day, so it goes quickly. Fast meaning fast. Whereas the day before Tisha BAv is not a fast day, so it goes slow. You don't fast on slow days.

He went to a speed dating event on Tu BAv. It went all night. Nobody slept.
You get it? Speed is a drug. It also can cause insomnia. It can cause tremors. Don't do drugs. Some things are more important than jokes.

Their pet took them to The Mountains and jumped from tree to tree. She wanted to show them the cat-skills.
You get it? The Catskills. Cat skills. Pets do tricks there to show off their skills. Jews go to the Catskills in the summer. Most Jews don't have pets. It was visiting day. There are mountains in the Catskills. Just to be clear.

They were jumping for joy when they heard it was time for gaga.
You get it? Gaga is to be foolishly enthusiastic. They were playing gaga at camp. Lost the game, but they were overly excited. They went gaga for the game. The game was gaga. Two different gagas.

His mom got him ribbons for Lag BOmer. He said he wanted to make bows. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's supposed to be bows and arrows. Not ribbons. Ribbon bows don't work as good weapons and they don't shoot far. She misunderstood.

He prayed behind a Chasid in Jerusalem. He was told to go pray a at the coattail. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kotel. Coattail. He was in Jerusalem. It's Yom Yerushalayim. The Kotel is in Jerusalem. Chasidim wear long coats. Kotel. Coattail. They sound the same if you say ‘coattail’ very fast.

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? They were celebrating Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shavuot means weeks. Seven days would be 'Shavua'. Celebrating Shavuot. That's at least two weeks. 21 days would just be crazy. Puns should be realistic.

A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. (Mordechai)
You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students.

The little girl was eating potato kugel with a plate on her lap. It was a Kiddish. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kiddish. Kid and dish together makes Kiddish. The dish was on a kid. Next time we will talk about chicken fingers. That's also a kid dish. Kiddish. You get it. So many great ways to prepare a kid dish. One is with Kichel.

I had that feeling to learn Gemara. Maybe some Daf Yomi. I was in a Talmud. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mood. Talmud. Dads learn Gemara. I don't know what Tal means. Maybe dew. Learning about damp ground.

The Hillel sandwich was bitter at the Seder. We were eating it for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech is when we have the Hillel sandwich on Pesach. Korach was the one who rebelled against Moshe. Korach was bitter. Korach. Korech. You get it.

Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.

I was in such a rush to put on my Tefilin this morning, I didn't take off my watch first. I was strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin straps. Strapped for time... The Tefillin straps over the watch. Strapped for time with Tefillin and a watch. You get it.
 
At least the plague of locusts wasn't very expensive. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Locust. Low cost. Very close if they were pronounced the same. The plague of grasshoppers would be expensive.
Should that read, 'The eighth plague wasn't very expensive. It was locust'? Puns are about education. Not about being funny.

He was alone in his house with nothing to do, so he took out a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The date date joke. Nothing more timeless than the date date joke. Works every holiday. And opening a date is an activity. Especially with a date. Such a good pun. Timeless.
 
I bought a Jewish papercut. It Hebrew letters and a lot of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Papercuts are a type of art, where they cut paper. Paper cuts also hurt, can go deep and draw a lot of blood. Jewish papercuts are usually in Hebrew. Not that they form a Hebrew letter on the hand when they cut you.

The slave wanted to stay after seven years. Thirsty, he asked for lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If they stay, they have to have their ear pierced to the doorpost. Lintels are part of that. Lentil soup. Lintel soup. Close enough. Esav reference. The slave mixed up doors and soup. We all do it. And lintels are tasty when you add garlic.

Is the shul looking for a people who likes bread? Then why do they keep asking for donations. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Dough. Bread is made of do. A nation is a people. Do-nation. Dough-nation when spelled wrong. Nation full of dough. I'll explain.
 
Who was the heaviest guy in the Megilah? Bigton. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bigton and Teresh wanted to kill the king. Big and ton together. Both mean large. That's a mean name for somebody. I know it's not nice to make fun of somebody's heaviness, but Bigton wasn't a good guy.

Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him they will be blessed 'by you and your offspring.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
 
Kashrus Alert: If you are going to smoke marijuana make sure it is Pot Yisroel! (Mordechai)
You get it? Pot is pot. It is also bread. People eat Pas Yisrael. Or Pat Yisrael. Here he's talking about cannabis. A religious pot smoker. It's a pun. We're not supporting pot. Please note, we also don't support puns about pot and cookware.

When Yosef visited his brothers, everybody was down in the pits. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The brothers were probably 'down in the pits.' They threw Yosef in the pit. Hearing they threw Yosef in the pit got me down in the pits. Hopefully they didn't have avocados down there. Those have very big pits. Fruit pit. Pit pit. In the pits. Pits in avocados.
 
Paroh was sleeping for two years. As the Torah says, 'MiKeitz Shenataim.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? 'Miketz Shenataim' means at the end of two year. 'Sheina'' means sleep. Use Shenataim for both words. Put it together and you have 'at the end of two years of sleeping.' That's a long nap. And you can use that Shena and Shenataim pun anytime you hear sleep in Hebrew... It's good we have Rashi.

What do Chasidim with a red bekishe sing? 'Jingle Belz.' (Mordechai)
You get it? The Belz Chasidic dynasty. 'Jingle Bells' is the song sung on Christmas. Jews don't sing that. They would sing about Belz. The Chasidim. 'Jingle Belz.' Still a jingle.
 
Mitzrayim fell apart because they were serving bad juice. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz, juice. Ra'im, bad. Bad juice. Bazooka Joe should use that one. It's good, and can help people learn Hebrew. Bazooka Joe has a duty to educate the children.
 
The work the slaves did was nothing close to as labor intensive as Miriam and Yocheved's task. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Work and being told to kill newborn boys. Yocheved and Miriam, Shifrah and Puah the midwives, were told to kill the Jewish babies. Intense. Labor and labor. The pun is in the word labor.

They asked him questions about holiday laws and traditions, because he had Simcha. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? They mistook Simcha for Smicha. Simcha is happiness. Smicha is rabbinic ordination. You usually ask the rabbi questions about Jewish laws and traditions. People like asking happy people questions. Simchat Torah is coming up. You're supposed to be happy on holidays. That was the impetus for this pun. Felt it important to explain. Without an explanation, this pun cannot be understood; which is what makes this an excellent pun.

He left the shul real dirty after Sukkot with his Lulav and Hoshanos, and leaves.
You get it? Hoshonos are willow branches. The leaves get left on the floor after we whack them on Hoshana Rabbah. He leaves leaves there. And he leaves, and he leaves a mess too. With leaves. Puns are about the lesson. Not the humor.

What’s it called when a bird gets hit at a baseball game? A fowl ball. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A foul ball is when a baseball is hit out of play. Fowl is birds. The ball could've been in play, but it hit a bird. Hence, a fowl ball. That would be ironic; a fowl ball that's not a foul ball. Noach also saves birds in the Parsha. He didn't save baseball games- another pun waiting to happen.

How much did Avraham take to Canaan? Not sure. He definitely took a Lot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He took his nephew Lot along, as well as a lot of other people and stuff. A Lot. A lot. Spelled the same, but with a different pronunciation. He took somebody named Lot.

Who was the teacher in the first place Avraham settled? Elon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Elon Moreh is the first place Avraham settles when he's in Israel. Moreh means teacher. Elon was the teacher's name. With puns, education comes first. We're very proud of the educational value of this pun.

Efron didn't want to sell the field, but Avraham got him to cave in. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The field Avraham bought was that of the Cave of Machpelah, MaArat Hamachpelah. The cave is in the field. Efron caved in and sold it. That's your pun for this week. Education.

Esav wanted soup on top of the door. But Yaakov didn't have any lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lintel is a beam on top of a door. It sounds like lentil. Same letters. We learn the red stuff Esav wanted was lentil soup. Lintel. Lentil. What's the difference... Jews will get blamed.

How did they travel to Jerusalem to bring sacrifices? In a car-bon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Karbon is Hebrew for sacrifice. Sacrifices in the Temple. They traveled there. Carbon is a chemical, and not part of the pun. I can't explain the 'bon' part. A car bomb would be wrong. When delivering this pun, focus on the 'car' part. Draw attention to ‘car.’
 
What Bracha do you make on a boat? Shehakol nehiyeh bidva row-row-row. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Shehakol blessing is the blessing everybody makes on water. A boat is in water. The song 'Row Row Row Your Boat' is about a boat.
 
Why did the entertainer take prisoners? He wanted a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The captive audience joke works every year. So many iterations. It's amazing. Create your own pun about people taken captive. They have to laugh at it. Amazing joke when people are locked up. Great way to start any bit. And all puns are best when done in question form.
 
Why did they visit their friends? They were told to do Bikurim. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bikurim is the first fruits. Also means to 'visit with,' if we're talking Hebrew and you split up the word. The Temple didn't see those fruits, as they misunderstood what to do. Some puns are not meant to be funny. They are meant to be educational.

Please remind me to say Hatarat Nedarim before Rosh Hashana. I promised I wouldn't forget it this year. (Mordechai)
You get it? Hatarat Nedarim is annulling vows. He vowed he wouldn't forget to annul the vows. Another vow. He has to annul that too. If he doesn't show up, he's in trouble.
 
I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.

I paid for a top of the line Etrog, but ended up with a real lemon. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Etrogs are a citrus fruit. They look like lemons. You can't use a lemon as an Etrog on Sukkot. Kids do, because they can't tell the difference. Cars that are lemons are not good. So the Etrog wasn't good. It was a lemon.

What kind of a kitten comes from the Middle East? A Chukat. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chukat is the Parsha. You mispronounce it, and the pun works. Do the Israeli chach, 'Chet' sound for a while. And it can be funny. The Chu is the purr. This pun is all about delivery. It takes a lot of effort to make this one work. But if you commit, you can educate people on Hebrew, and how the Middle Eastern people talk.
 
How do you curse a nation? Bil-em. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Bill them. Bilam was the prophet Balak sent for to curse the Jews. When you say Bilam fast, it sounds like 'bill them.' You've got to say the pun fast. 'Am' is a nation. Bill the nation. Nobody likes paying bills. That's a curse. Educational. You can learn from puns too.
 
What do we call it when people can't find hot water for their coffee in times of morning? Bein HaMeykarim. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Now is the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, called the Bein HaMeitzarim (between the sorrows). Bein HaMeykarim (between the cold waters) almost sounds the same. People mourn not having their coffee in the morning. Morning. Mourning. That's another pun you can work with. We're here to help.
 
How do Chasidim ask when you're going to read this week's Parsha? Masai.
You get it? Masai is the second Parsha we read that week. Matai means when. Masai is how Frum people say it. If the name of the Parsha wasn't Masai, we wouldn't have a pun this week.
 
How do you know it’s Tisha BAv? When you see the table on the ceiling. (Mordechai)
You get it? Knowing Yiddish helps with puns. Tish is a table. Above means above. Ceilings are above. You have to say Tisha BAv fast, with an American Ashkenazi accent, for this to work. On Tisha BAv we don't eat, so it doesn't matter if the table is on the ceiling.
 
They met for coffee on their Shidduch date. A few minutes later they were engaged in drinking. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Engaged to get married. They're just drinking. Engaged works for both. Coffee leads to engagement.
 
You may not like the taste of sand. Though, It tastes like desert. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Desert. Dessert. Jews ate Manna in the desert.. Don't know if that was dessert. We needed a no dessert in the desert pun. Mispronounce 'desert' and it's brilliant.

He said he was only giving ten percent to charity. They called him a Mayser. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Miser. Mayser. Mayser is a tithe. They sound alike. If a Mayser was a type of person, it would work. He'd be a Mayser who gives Mayser. The Mayser would be a Miser.
 
They had two very big Challas. So we wished them a 'Gluten Shabbis.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? In Yiddish, you say 'Guten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect changes it to 'Gluten.' There's gluten in bread. Challah. Gluten. Guten. 'Gluten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect is a great Jewish pun writer. Rabbi and Rabbit...
 
This crazy man was screaming at milk. It turns out he's lactose intolerant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? On Shavuot we eat dairy. Intolerant means the body can't handle it or not tolerant and bigoted. In the beginning, it seemed like he just hated dairy. He shouldn't have said it was off. That was offensive. We needed the intolerant to milk pun for our collection to be complete.
 
Her stomach distended. That's when she said she'd never drink sotah again. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An accused wife, drinks bitter water. If her stomach distends, she's a Sotah. Soda. Sotah. They sound the same. Soda has fizz and distends the stomach too. So many similarities. Love it. She had a sense of humor about her sentence. A funny not loyal wife. Don't know if her husband laughed or not.

There was only one Bachur. In their Mother's stomach there wasn't enough womb. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Bachur is the firstborn. The first one out of the womb. Room. They sound the same, if somebody can't pronounce the 'r.'
 
How do you Daven in shul with an infant? You need to get a baby siddur. ​(Mordechai)
You get it? Babysitter. Baby Siddur. It sounds the same. A Siddur is a prayer book. Babysitters take care of kids. Brilliant and practical. 
 
What did people against Moshe eat on Pesach? A sandwich for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sounds like Korech. Korech is the Hillel sandwich. Korach. Korech. Korach's followers would've eaten what Korach said to eat. Not Hillel. A Korach sandwich for Korech.

The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb.
 
Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse.
 
I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai)
You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there.

To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money.
 
They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives.

What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun.

They're planning a party for the Kohens. They're calling it the Big Day Kahuna.
You get it? The Torah talks about the Kohens and their clothes. Bigdei means clothes. Kahuna means of Kohens. Big Kahuna, an American idiom. You should have vast knowledge to get into pun creation. 

Everybody gave half a shekel when they counted Jews. It spoke to their census. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A census is counting. They did that in the desert. To avoid a plague, and death, heads weren't counted, but the half shekels. Makes sense. Senses. Their senses. Their census.
 
Why was the activity not exciting last Shabbat? They were board games. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Board. Bored. Not fun. Board games are a great Shabbat activity. Make them fun. Puns are better said. Not written. Look away and say 'board games'… Now, it’s funny.

He wouldn't need to be good at singing or music if he had a talent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A talent is something you're good at. A talent is a weight of money, which was a lot of silver in the times of the Torah. With all that silver he would be rich enough to not need to be talented. Puns are about education.
 
I asked a hippie, dressed as a villain, 'Who are you dressed as?' He said, 'HeyMan.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lot of people pronounce Haman as Haymen. That's close enough to Hey Man. And that's how hippies talk. It's not just a costume, it's a way of life, a mindset. Artistic expression is very important when sharing puns.
  
What's it called when they pour seltzer on the Altar? A Karbon Dioxide... Then they recite Mizmor LSoda.
You get it? The offerings in the Temple were called a Karbon. Carbon Dioxide is the fizz in the soda... Soda. Mizmor LSoda is one of the types of songs in Tehillim. Brilliant. A double pun. And bilingual necessity. Doesn't get better than this.

How did Ha-Shem get the burning bush to ignite? It was a match made in Heaven.
You get it? The bush was from heaven. Sometimes, a pun is about the meaning it brings to your life.
 
Why did the Jews want to leave Egypt? Because the juice was bad... Mitz Ra'im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz Ra'im means bad juice. Egypt is Mitzrayim. Another brilliant bilingual Biblical pun. We stayed away from the Jews juice pun, because we have high standards.
 
What do you give a dog who's good at math? A chesh-bone.
You get it? Cheshbon is an invoice in Hebrew, also used to mean math. Really smart dogs say Matimatikah. Plagues affect the animals. The Parsha last week... To understand our puns, we suggest you take up Semitic languages.
 
Why couldn't they figure out the type of wheat it was? Because of the way it was spelt. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Spell a word. Spelt is a type of wheat. Tu BShvat is about the seven species of Israel. One is wheat. Educational too.
 
The guide dogs that wandered with the Jews were called Seen-eye Dogs. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mount Sinai. Seeing eye sounds like Sinai, if you pronounce 'Sinai' in proper Hebrew. And, maybe Ten Commandment dogs did help blind people. A spiritual pun, and phonetically sound too. Note: You have to say 'seeing eye' very fast, and without the 'g,' for it to sound like Sinai. 
 
Unlike a Canaanite slave, if you knock out a Jewish slave's teeth, he doesn't go free. He's only an in'denture'd servant.
You get it? The Jewish slave's teeth aren't real. Dentures.
 
They celebrated a lot in the Mikdash (the Temple). That's why they used acacia wood. It's good for all acacians. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Acacia, Occasions. We did our part. That's close enough.

A coworker just complained that the work is eating at her kishkas. I told her she should see a derma'tologist.
You get it? Derma means intestines and kishka means intestines. Dermatologists don't deal with intestines. Stuffed derma tastes excellent.

How do we know a salmon that's on fire is Ashkenaz? Cause it's a lit-fish.
You get it? Litvish are Lithuanian Jews. Most are connected to the Ashkenaz Yeshivas. The fish is lit.
 
To appease Esav, Yaakov sent Doron. That's why we never hear about that son. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Doron means gifts and is a name. Esav hates Yaakov. So, Yaakov splits his family, and sends Esav gifts.
 
Nobody wanted to eat the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. It was really ofe.  (Rabbi Mendel) 
You get it? 'Off' means it didn't taste right. 'Ofe' means chicken in Hebrew. Turkey is not chicken, even in Israel. We bring you the best bilingual puns.

My kids left half-eaten Chanukah gelt, and I was stuck with some Bitcoin.
You get it? A lot of times, Chanukah gelt is chocolate coins. People bite those, makin them bit. Bitcoin is...

My black hat is not floppy. It’s always in a solid state.
You get it? Black hat brims can be flimsy or firm, as in a solid state. Computers used to have floppy disks. Solid state hard drive.

I bought a loaf of bread but returned it to the store because it was overbaked. It was a Mekach Toast.
You get it? Mekach Taot is a faulty sale. Toast. Add an 's.' Another brilliant and educational bilingual Halachik pun. 

On Yom Kippur, I want to be at a relaxed Minyin. I don’t want to be at one that's in-tents.
You get it? With COVID, many shuls are having services in tents. People are also very intense. Amazing.

An Etrog is the only item in which "BiDots" is not kosher.
You get it? Badatz is a kosher certification in Israel. It sounds the same as 'BiDots.' ‘Bi’ as a prefix can mean ‘with,’ in Hebrew, and an Etrog can’t be with dots. Another amazing bilingual pun. We are your source for puns that you have to be multilingual to understand.
 
I knew something fishy was going on when I saw lox on all the doors.
You get it? Lox is a fish. Locks are used on doors. Fish are created on the fifth day. Do you hear it? Think phonetically. Like any good pun, it has to be told, not written. The most brilliant pun yet.
 
I do my job religiously. I always wear my Yarmulka at work.
You get it? Wearing a Yarmulke is religious. Working diligently is religious too. Mordechai is a good Jew, and brilliant.
 
What do you call a bird with good Hebrew grammar? A dikduck.
You get it? Dikduk means grammar in Hebrew. Substituting 'duk' with 'duck.' Brilliant. And the animals are laughing too.
 
Why did they say Psalms for the sick man? Because they wanted To-HEaL-hIM.
You get it? We say Tehillim (psalms) for sick people. You want to heal them. Avraham wasn't well after the bris...
 
Avraham was very serious about burying Sarah, so he buried her in a grave. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Grave means serious, and it's also where you bury people. Avraham buries Sarah in the Cave of Machpela in Chevron. Puns are about the lesson.

My shul is looking for a seasoned Chazzan this Rosh Hashana. Applicants must reveal how much salt and pepper they're wearing.
You get it? Seasoned means experienced and spices. Brilliance.​
​
I couldn't read my notes at the memorial service and thought it was emotions, till I was told 'It's Yahrzeit.' (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The Yahrzeit is the yearly day of commemoration of one’s passing. Said fast, it’s pronounced ‘your site.' A dark pun for Shabbat Nachamu.

We wanted to play something that wasn't too exciting, so we played a board game. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Board. Bored. Like any good pun, it has to be phonetic. Close your eyes and say it now. You see?! And it's Jewish tradition to play board games on Shabbat.

The shul's Torah wasn't kosher, so some congregants went on Sefaria for a Torah scroll. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? The shul needed a new Torah scroll. The congregants went to Sefaria, a computer program with Torah, that people learn from. You scroll down a website!

The young man in shul was pursuing the girl, so he took her to the Beit Din, to court her. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Beit Din is a court. You court for romance. This week's Parsha talks about court and righteous judgment. I would like to thank my student, Bella, for her help on this brilliance.

We did a show for soldiers who laughed at everything. They were a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Captive audience is people who have to be there. People taken captive are prisoners. The soldiers were laughing cause they had to. The Parsha talks of a woman taken captive.

The Shofar guy at our shul last year. I don't know what others are thinking. He really blew it.
You get it? You blow the shofar. 'He blew it' means he did a bad job. Didn't blow well. Double meaning.

Why do Jews like to move around so much during davening? Because they want to set themselves apart from the idle worshippers.
You get it? Standing still is being idle. Jews move around a lot (shake or shukel) during prayers, which is davening. And they're not idol worshippers. Phonetically, this is the best joke. Thank you.
 
My friend had this really nice 'Lo Tachmod' poster... I wanted it so badly.
You get it? Lo Tachmod is the commandment to not covet what others have... Educational! And a bit of Musar (moral rebuke) for you.
 
How do you celebrate a cow turning 13? A Par Mitzvah.
You get it? A Para is a cow (the red heifer- Para Aduma). Change the 'B' with a 'P,' and take at the last 'A'... This week's Torah portion speaks of the Para Aduma... Par Mitzvah on a golf course? We're trying hard for you. Hope you appreciate it. At least we didn't do anything with 'Moo.'
 
What did Bilam's donkey say when Bilam went to curse the Jews? Nay. (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? That's what the horse said, even if misspelled. It's educational. That's why we do it. Horses are close enough to donkeys. And it's still unique, becauses horses don't say 'nay.' Nor do donkeys. And you also wouldn't see this one in a Laffy Taffy. We didn’t do the ‘moo’ one for the red heifer last week, so we figured we needed to do the neigh one this week. We didn’t want you to miss out.

They are planning a huge convention for Kohanim in the near future. The get-together will be called 'The Big Day Kahuna.'
You get it? Bigdei Kahuna are the clothing of the Kohen. 'Big Day' means something big is happening. The big Kahuna is the big Kahuna. And this week is Parshat Pinchas. Pinchas was given Kohen status.

A wise Ashkenazik Israeli was found asking when to read Parshat Matot, so the community decided we should read Matot-Masai. (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The two Parshas (Torah portions) are almost always read together, and 'Matai' means when. 'Masai' is how a frum Ashkenazi would say 'Matai'... Jewish history in a nutshell. This is part of the Hebrew puns of Ashkenazi dialect collection written in English. Next time, the pun will be 'we read Matot when we say Masai.' We believe that makes sense. The underline really adds to that pun. Helps with enunciation.

How can you tell if someone is living a double life? If people tell him "until 240" on his birthday.
You get it? We don't know if that's a pun. It might be. It definitely connects to Moshe. He lived to 120, the Jewish blessing of long life, and this week's portion is about him. It works. Maybe we should've went with, 'He was living a double life. He was 240.'
​It all works, because it's puns.

The price of Matzah keeps going up, but it's definitely not because of inflation. 
You get it? The dough doesn't inflate, because it's Matzah.

People who wear Techeiles are part of a fringe group.  
You get it? The Techeiles are the blue fringes (not worn by all), that are added to the Tzitizs/Tallis, which are also known as fringes. 

I bought a pair of Tzitzis for an unbelievable price. No strings attached. 
You get it? Tzitizs/Tallis is the four cornered garment with strings on the edges. Maybe he had to attach the Tztizis himself. Or maybe it was a good clean price. Who knows? 

Moderna is the vaccine for people who are Yeshivish, but use the internet.
You get it? Yeshivish people (known in Israel as Charedi) are called modern when they use a computer or watch TV. Moderna is the vaccine... 'Moderna' even sounds a bit like Hebrew.

J&J is the vaccine for Jews who keep strict Kosher, and don’t want Chazaras haShots. 
You get it? J&J is a food company known for their Cholov Yisrael dairy products, which ensures that pigs are not used for milk. Chazer is a pig. Chazer also means to return. Chazaras Hashatz is the repetition of the Amidah in shul. 'Chazaras HaShots' means Returning for shots. That's an extra pun in the same joke... There are so many levels here. 
(We have nothing for Pfeizer other than that it sounds like a Jewish name)
 
How do Israelis ask for seconds, around Lag BOmer time, during the reading of VaYikra? "Ehhh More?" (Rabbi Avi's)
You get it? Many Israelis make the 'ehhh' sound before sentences, and Emor is the name of the Parsha read at this time. Brilliant.
 
What do you call slaves with bad teeth? Indentured servants. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Yovel and Shmitah, in the Parsha, talks about freeing indentured servants. People with bad teeth have dentures. They're teeth are indentured. 

Where did the wandering Israelites go to drink? Bamidbar. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Bamidbar means 'in the desert' and 'mid' is there and 'bar' is too. Like a bar in the middle of the desert. It's almost a Hebrew pun, almost an English pun. It works. Watch. Say 'Bamidbar' again, slowly. Enunciate. Now it's funny.