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The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets. We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic. Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat. We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant... (Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.” Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do... Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off. Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board... First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything. Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer. Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing... Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel... There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action... I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak... Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima... Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance... Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is. How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it... Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there... Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul. It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic... I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week... Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it... And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians... (Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...” Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?! And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?! This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining. May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir." Rivka's Rundown Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. “You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing. The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form. It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel. The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen." Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion. I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden. The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat. The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish. All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli." "Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLII2/8/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.
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You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees. No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun. The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy. Eat Dried Fruit Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning. And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan. To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday. Sulfor Dioxide Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that. Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase. Why Nuts It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it. Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch. The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people. Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over. Tradition of Puns Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs. The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder. Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder. Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues. I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIX11/7/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people giving him a beautiful holiday fruit platter and kids enjoying themselves on Simchat Torah, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for stealing food from the shuk and bringing up the price on Chamutzim in Israel.
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Jewish wedding dance, known as the push-up... The fact that a Jew can do a push-up is quite impressive. Almost as impressive as dancing with a bottle on your head. Which is why this is done in front of the Chatan and Kallah. To bring them joy, impressing them with a skilled dance. You can see the crowd looking on in awe of this amazing display of talent.
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I think this is forbidden. The huge candy is too heavenly for the children to understand that you don't pray to it, but to Gd. On the holiday the kids at shul prayed to the Dum-Dums and KitKats. The shul usually decorates the Bima with flowers for the holidays. Yet, nothing is as glorious in the Lord's eyes as a 50lb Hershey Bar... I carried the KitKat around, not a Torah, to celebrate sweets on Simchat Torah...
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Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18) 'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them. Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen. Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up. (Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul. He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds. They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening. I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing. I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai) You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai) You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken. The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai) You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish Dances: The Hora Styles10/21/2024
Simchat Torah is coming up. Hence, we shall discuss Jewish dances. In years past we've talked about the different One Hand Torah Hold methods, the Huddle Jump, the Arm Raise, Chest Bounce techniques, the Arm Interlocked Twirl Arounds, the Rebbe Approach and dangers surrounding it, the Run Fast, the most popular of Jewish dances, the Walk Around, and the Stand and Clap.
This year we will focus on some hora styles of Jewish dance, so you can look cool and traditional at shul this Simchat Torah. Hora Circles The Hora is about style. And style is what Jewish dancing is about. You walk around that circle and you look good. The Hora is an Israeli style dance where you move forward and then you go back to where you started. It is a great feeling when you think you are moving and then, you are skipping and jumping back to where you were. The Hora is not just a dance. The Hora is a message. A way of saying that progress is not our goal, like the tradition of a nation. 'We are moving, but we are not.’ Even if the circle is moving, every once in a while, you make sure to take that step, back to remind the kids about to tradition and to hurt the guy behind you's foot who was moving too fast. The Back and Forth The Hora can be a letdown in the modern Hora circle, as it sometimes moves forward a bit too fast. Many people like the idea of staying in one place when dancing, which makes for a more perfect Hora. These people don’t do the Hora’s two steps forward and one step back. Instead, they created the one step forward and one step back. Affectionately known as The Cradle Rock, this is for people who like to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and don’t like to move while they are dancing. The Jew of tradition, this is Israeli dancing at its best. A variation of The Back and Forth is the ‘Sit Down.’ Similar to a protest, the ‘Sit Down’ is where you take a chair, sit down in the middle of the dance floor, and take a break. At a proper wedding, you may be lucky enough to get some people dancing in front of you, confusing you for the bride and groom. If you play the Sit Down version of the Hora correctly, you might get some gifts too. Half Beat Side to Side Jump Huge in the ultra-Orthodox community, and done at all Tishes, this is where you interlock arms with the person next to you, hold each other close, and rock back and forth. A great show of Achdut, Jewish unity, you don't move together. It’s similar to the Israeli Hora, but more Frum. Leg To Leg Bop The modern Hora dance used for everything in Israel, more bopping is involved in this hora. Still dancing in circles, you may do this dance alone. Known as the COVID, the distance Hora jump dance making its way to America the past few years, I would like to credit Effie Allman for noting the brilliance and multifaceted abilities of this dance. Dancing the Chatan and Kallah to the Chupah, dancing at protests, dancing at football matches, the meaning may change. Yet, the Leg to Leg Bop Hora remains in its tradition of expression. Due to the dangers of uncoordinated wedding guests, many do Leg to Leg Bop dance alone. Still in a circle, as it is Jewish. Never take a dance out of the circle. Heretics do that. Apikorsim. Once the dance is in line form, it's not Jewish. The 'Yiddin' is not a Jewish dance. Nor is 'Cotton Eyed Joe.' I understand that last statement will cause much controversy. However, it must be said. It's not in a circle. It's a line dance. It has no connection to a Hora. 'Cotton Eyed Joe' is not a Jewish dance. Again, like The Run Fast Dance, you must be in shape to bop. Next time we will deal with what to do when there are many circles. Also focusing on which circle to join when you're out of shape and not ready for a Leg to Leg Bop. We will also discuss whether The Train is Jewish, and if you have to perform The Train in circle form for it to be Halachikly permissible. This Simchat Torah, claim your spot and do the Hora. Remember, like any good traditional Israeli dance, the Key to the Hora is letting the people know, 'I'm moving but I'm not.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes. Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays. Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting. Sukkah Hanging Decorations Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart. Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah. Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings. Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations. Pesach Seder Art It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June. Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah. A Seder plate. Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it. Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out. Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it. Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art. Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah) A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius. People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons. You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction. Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain. Tisha BAv Art Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains. Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume. I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape. If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish Origami Art9/12/2024
As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors. The Paper Chain Sukkah Project Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat. Paper plate Hamentashen A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together. Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand. Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips. Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry. Draw a Dreidel This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers. Jewish Papercut Art A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami. For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts. Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami. Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time. When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed. Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante. This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts. I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day. (Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning. Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it. A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible. Do Not Eat the Sprays Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine. Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry. Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah. Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles. You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it. Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue. ‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches. Strong Sprays for Grease Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it. Other Uses for Shpritz If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.
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Why do you go to Kosher restaurants? I go to catch Minyin. I got to baseball games, weddings, and take flights for Maariv... I believe that Minyin ruined the five-star reputation of that restaurant. Kaddish kind of killed the forshpeis for that group of girls. And I don’t know if the guy was expecting to hear he was the tenth in the middle of his soup course.
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Purim Carnival Booths3/20/2024
The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival. The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet. I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands. Sock Throw Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well. This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week. Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle. This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival. Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again. We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care. You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served. We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim. We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’ The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!... They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here. It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah. With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie. We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul. ‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith. What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation. Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here... It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without. How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!... And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet. We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope. What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!... I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees. Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what??? The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation... Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed... And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting. Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people. Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted. First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps.... What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing. The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot... Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children... Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.' Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant. One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining. If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over... Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids... No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen. Rivka's Rundown It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out. What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant. It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements. If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis. They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...' So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque. How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living. Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet. The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years. It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused. Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake. I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud. Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids. Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah. I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum. All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.
How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday? Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious? ‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)? Why is your dog by the tree right now? Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth? Are you serious? No. Really. Are you serious? Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke. Why do plastic forks and knives always break? Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well? Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question? Why is everybody looking at me right now? Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees? Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder? Did I show up to the wrong Seder? Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this? Are we helping the environment? Why is my stomach killing? Do trees get stomach aches? The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit? Why do are we eating dried fruit? Is the dried fruit new? Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not? Did they dry the apricots yesterday? Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them. Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew? What are loquats? Why were they not dry? Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open. Why am I calling it the shuk? Is this not a Jewish holiday? It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit? Do oranges grow here? Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow. Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd? Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week? Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday? No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday? Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it? Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul? Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew? Is it religiously fine to care about people? Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense? Is it OK if I excuse myself again? Why is my stomach still killing? Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know. I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai) You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices. Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow. They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate. In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai) You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education. When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun.. Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVI10/5/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.
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People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.
Decorate It How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork. Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations. Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. Eat in It That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah. Hang Sticky Tape This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well. I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah. Bring Out the Food Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself. Nobody will help. Host Sukkah Hoppers This means to have sweets ready. Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday. Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing. Torah Conversations That won’t happen. Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah. Sleep in the Sukkah You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience. Wave Your Lulav in It That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark. Programs Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers. Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.
The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying I will not eat chocolate. I will not chew with my mouth open. I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here. I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe. I will appreciate other people more. I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them. I will be honest in business. I will get ripped off by everybody. I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. I will not make vows. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground. It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate. I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva. I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again. The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money... I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise. I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise. I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it. I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right. I will learn what "Amen" means. I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida. I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie. I will learn more Torah. I will do it if You give me more money. If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate. Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long. I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter. I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays. I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now. If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody. I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one. I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur. Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXII6/2/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer angry sarcasm, and Shavuot and how Pesach and how cheesecake turns people Jewish, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that non-Kosher cafes are Jewish. That should help with our Kiruv project.
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Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs. Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it. The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis. We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie! What is everybody worried about? (Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark. And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating... It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years... The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak. On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place... We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer... If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon... It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim. You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition... I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left... And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel.... Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee. Where is the money? Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz. The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics. If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha. Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit. They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul. AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat. The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.' All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars. They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day.
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people. Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester. Eat Fast Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast. The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster. Don't Talk I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is. Use Two Plates Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables. All Courses Are Meat Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat. Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat. Bring Dessert for the Table I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique. You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it. Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food. Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well. There Are Other People They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this. Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that. Take Food with You You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child. For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now. Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I never experienced Lag BOmer in my life. It was my first year in Yeshiva and I already messed up counting the Omer on day two. I had no idea what day thirty-three meant. I didn't even know people were still counting at that point. One of the students in Yeshiva made it to day twenty-eight without messing up. We now celebrate him as a Tzadik. So, I did what most people do on Lag BOmer. I went grocery shopping. I needed dinner.
On My Way Back Home I was on my way back from the supermarket when I smelled a fire in the woods. I ran towards it and noticed that kids were burning stuff. I saw flames flying high and kids playing right by the huge flames. I thought it should be reported. It looked dangerous. More people came to the spectacle. Yet, nobody said anything. Just the opposite. They joined and commended the kids. Tons of people were around. They saw it. They did nothing. They saw kids running and pushing each other near the fire. They said nothing. Adults even started their own fire. All while the kids' fire got bigger and bigger. I asked the children if they knew how to make a fire, as I was a Boy Scout. They said, 'No. Only non-religious people learn stuff like how to make a fire. We have Emunah. Belief in Gd.' And their belief in Gd showed, as their fire got even bigger. More Fires I saw more fires starting up. I thought it was weird to see children burning doors and carpets, but they were in the fire. Household appliances made their way to the flames. Anything that could burn or melt made its way into the fire. It must have been a miracle of Lag BOmer. One of the groups of kids playing freeze tag near the uncontained fire ran out of wood, yet they kept the fire burning with artifacts from their homes. It looked dangerous, but the kids told me it was a religious thing. They said, 'On Lag BOmer, you're supposed to make huge fires with cleaning products.' So, I felt safe. When they told me it was spiritual, I felt even safer around all of the huge uncontained fires. One of the children showed me his oven cleaning spray. It said flammable on it, as well as danger. He threw it right into the fire, as it was flammable and the fire started dwindling a bit. And it exploded. A gigantic flame flew, and happiness was had. The pride that kid had when he got the desired result of burning something illegal was the kind of joy one can only have when connecting to Gd. They went on tell me that it was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Why Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai likes fires so much, I don't know. What Should I do? At the moment, I thought I should save their lives and put out the fire. Smokey Bear always taught me to put out a forest fire. Smokey Bear also said to not burn plastic. However, Smokey Bear was not a good Jew. He didn't know Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. And he didn't understand how important an uncontained fire is to help one connect with Gd. I put down my groceries. I went to join in more fire parties. I was not a bystander anymore. Once I noticed the police joining in, I became an accomplice. An accomplice supported by the cops. Is this legal? They were doing it for tradition. Hence, it is OK. Only in Israel do cops let you do things that could be illegal and unsafe if you are celebrating a holiday. On Sukkot, they let you run through the streets holding a sharp spear looking palm branch, facing out. Why? Because it is tradition. And the cops in Israel know that if it is tradition, it is safe. What a beautiful country. In America, when you do something dangerous, the police make you stop. However, in Yerushalayim, they know what a Mitzvah is. More Lessons I learned the tradition of fires and kids running around them with bows and arrows. Some kids were running with knives facing out. That wasn't a tradition, but it was also dangerous. So, it represented the Emunah that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai had. What a beautiful Mitzvah?! I turned around and my groceries were gone. The kids burned them. Bag too. Follow-up Notes At one point I saw a kid burning wood. I believe he ran out of plastic. The following year I stood by my door. A kid tried to take it. I told him it belongs to my house. To help with his fire, I gave him a microwave that had broke. One of the people told me that the fire was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Yahrzeit. Though I had lit a Yahrzeit candle before, I have a ways to go in my Emunah. I still don't feel comfortable lighting a bonfire on my kitchen counter. Next year, we'll talk about my trip up north and how I made it to Mairon following fires. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah. The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot. Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets. Give Lemon Wafers Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach. If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot. Stuff Still in Your Pantry Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration. Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that. Make Hamentashen People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want. Give Candies Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth. Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops. Take Out The Good Stuff If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching. This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy. And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums. Put in Stuff You Don’t Want I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them. Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot. The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
![]() David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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2/9/2025
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