How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know.
 
I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices.

Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow.
 
They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate.
 
In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education.
 
When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun..
 
Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.

People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.

Decorate It
How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork.
Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations.
Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. 

Eat in It
That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah.

Hang Sticky Tape
 This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well.
I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah.

Bring Out the Food
Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself.
Nobody will help.

Host Sukkah Hoppers
This means to have sweets ready.
Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday.
Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing.

Torah Conversations
That won’t happen. 
Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah.

Sleep in the Sukkah
You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience.

Wave Your Lulav in It
That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark.

Programs
Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers.
Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program.

It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.

The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying
I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not chew with my mouth open.
I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal.
I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli.
I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here.
I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe.
I will appreciate other people more.
I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them.
I will be honest in business.
I will get ripped off by everybody.
I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not make vows.
I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year.
We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground.
It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate.
I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva.
I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again.

The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise 
You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money...
I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise.
I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise.
I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it.
I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right.
I will learn what "Amen" means.
I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida.
I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie.
I will learn more Torah.
I will do it if You give me more money.
If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate.

Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long
I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long.
I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter.
I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays.
I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now.
If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.
I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one.
I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur.

​Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it.

Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve:
 
Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate
I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa.
I will not eat chocolate.
I will not eat cake.
I will not eat.
I will purchase a gym membership.
I will take off weight.
I will not show up to the gym.
I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month.
I will put on weight this year.
I will try to not eat chocolate.
 
The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something
I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request.
I will not work harder.
I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult.
I will wear a suit and a tie.
I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt.
My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep.
It will not happen.
I will find a friend who says, "You go girl."
I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money.
I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them.
I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate.
 
The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time"
I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year.
I will go on more trips.
I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India.
I will go for me, without my kids.
I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too.
I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me.
I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born.
I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day.
I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi.
I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time."
I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle.
I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia.

Conclusion
Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate.

If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year.
I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim angry sarcasm, and Shavuot and how Pesach and how cheesecake turns people Jewish, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that non-Kosher cafes are Jewish. That should help with our Kiruv project.

Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. 
We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs.

Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it.

The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis.

We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie!

What is everybody worried about?
(Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark.
 
And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating...

It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years...
The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak.
​
On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place...
We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer...

If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon...
It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. 
Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim.
You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition...

I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left...

And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel....
Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee.
Where is the money? 

Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz.

The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. 

When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics.
If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha.

Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit.
They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul.

AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. 
The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat.

The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.'

All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars.

They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini.

When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day. 
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people.
Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester.

​Eat Fast
​Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast.
The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster.

Don't Talk
I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is.

Use Two Plates
Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables.

All Courses Are Meat
Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat.
Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat.

Bring Dessert for the Table
​I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique.
You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it.
Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food.
Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well.

There Are Other People
They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this.
Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that.

Take Food with You
You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. 
You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child.
For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. 
That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. 

​It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now.
Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante.

I never experienced Lag BOmer in my life. It was my first year in Yeshiva and I already messed up counting the Omer on day two. I had no idea what day thirty-three meant. I didn't even know people were still counting at that point. One of the students in Yeshiva made it to day twenty-eight without messing up. We now celebrate him as a Tzadik. So, I did what most people do on Lag BOmer. I went grocery shopping. I needed dinner.

On My Way Back Home
I was on my way back from the supermarket when I smelled a fire in the woods. I ran towards it and noticed that kids were burning stuff. I saw flames flying high and kids playing right by the huge flames. I thought it should be reported. It looked dangerous.
More people came to the spectacle. Yet, nobody said anything. Just the opposite. They joined and commended the kids. Tons of people were around. They saw it. They did nothing. They saw kids running and pushing each other near the fire. They said nothing. Adults even started their own fire. All while the kids' fire got bigger and bigger.
I asked the children if they knew how to make a fire, as I was a Boy Scout. They said, 'No. Only non-religious people learn stuff like how to make a fire. We have Emunah. Belief in Gd.' And their belief in Gd showed, as their fire got even bigger.

More Fires
I saw more fires starting up.
I thought it was weird to see children burning doors and carpets, but they were in the fire. Household appliances made their way to the flames. Anything that could burn or melt made its way into the fire. It must have been a miracle of Lag BOmer. One of the groups of kids playing freeze tag near the uncontained fire ran out of wood, yet they kept the fire burning with artifacts from their homes.
It looked dangerous, but the kids told me it was a religious thing. They said, 'On Lag BOmer, you're supposed to make huge fires with cleaning products.' So, I felt safe. When they told me it was spiritual, I felt even safer around all of the huge uncontained fires.
One of the children showed me his oven cleaning spray. It said flammable on it, as well as danger. He threw it right into the fire, as it was flammable and the fire started dwindling a bit. And it exploded. A gigantic flame flew, and happiness was had. The pride that kid had when he got the desired result of burning something illegal was the kind of joy one can only have when connecting to Gd.
They went on tell me that it was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai.  Why Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai likes fires so much, I don't know.

What Should I do?
At the moment, I thought I should save their lives and put out the fire. Smokey Bear always taught me to put out a forest fire. Smokey Bear also said to not burn plastic. However, Smokey Bear was not a good Jew. He didn't know Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. And he didn't understand how important an uncontained fire is to help one connect with Gd.
I put down my groceries. I went to join in more fire parties. I was not a bystander anymore. Once I noticed the police joining in, I became an accomplice. An accomplice supported by the cops.
Is this legal? They were doing it for tradition. Hence, it is OK. Only in Israel do cops let you do things that could be illegal and unsafe if you are celebrating a holiday. On Sukkot, they let you run through the streets holding a sharp spear looking palm branch, facing out. Why? Because it is tradition. And the cops in Israel know that if it is tradition, it is safe.
What a beautiful country. In America, when you do something dangerous, the police make you stop. However, in Yerushalayim, they know what a Mitzvah is.

More Lessons
I learned the tradition of fires and kids running around them with bows and arrows. Some kids were running with knives facing out. That wasn't a tradition, but it was also dangerous. So, it represented the Emunah that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai had. What a beautiful Mitzvah?!

I turned around and my groceries were gone. The kids burned them. Bag too.

Follow-up Notes
At one point I saw a kid burning wood. I believe he ran out of plastic.
The following year I stood by my door. A kid tried to take it. I told him it belongs to my house. To help with his fire, I gave him a microwave that had broke.
One of the people told me that the fire was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Yahrzeit. Though I had lit a Yahrzeit candle before, I have a ways to go in my Emunah. I still don't feel comfortable lighting a bonfire on my kitchen counter.

Next year, we'll talk about my trip up north and how I made it to Mairon following fires.

Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah.
The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot.
Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets.

Give Lemon Wafers
Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach.
If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot.
 
Stuff Still in Your Pantry
Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration.
Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that.
 
Make Hamentashen
People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want.
 
Give Candies
Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth.
Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops.

Take Out The Good Stuff
If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching.
This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy.
And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums.

Put in Stuff You Don’t Want
I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them.
Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot.

The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot.

Announcements
From now on, only people that read Hebrew can lead Davening. What Frank does is not considered reading. It's considered painful. Our membership is not religious enough to endure that much pain.
For more painfulness, everybody is invited to the board meeting on Wednesday.
 
Ukraine is still happening. That gives people something to talk about.
We will have a talking group about the war in the Ukraine so that nobody has to bother other people at Kiddish. The Kiddish committee is hoping that this will allow people to enjoy their choolante.
 
The guest speaker will be talking about why shul and Snow White are very similar, and how the dwarfs left Egypt.
 
The shul is hosting an egg drive. Anybody who can afford to purchase eggs should donate money to the shul as well. You are wealthy and selfish. We don't who you stole from, but nobody can afford eggs on a regular salary.
 
This Tu BShvat we will serve dried fruit tea. We will also sing 'Jerusalem of Gold' at the Seder, to fulfill the ritual of singing 'Jerusalem of Gold.'
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

That's not reading Hebrew. That is learning to read Hebrew and we just witnessed the pain one goes through when one learns Hebrew... I cannot express how painful it is to have to be part of that when I am trying to finish Aleyinu and to get home to eat... On behalf of the shul, I ask you all for forgiveness for Frank's slow leading of the Davening. It was longer than Yom Kippur Davening. I thought he was doing Ashamnu... I started hitting my chest... I am sorry for the suffering. That kind of pain should've ended when we left Egypt... Many of the Jews ran out in haste.

(Shemot 14:8) Paroh decided to chase them and pursue them 'And the children Israel went out with an upraised arm.' I feel like Frank tried to chase everybody out of shul... The Jews went out fast. They ran. They didn't start exchanging phone numbers and their new addresses with their Egyptian neighbors that used to whip them. You don't want these people following you, knocking on your door, reminiscing the good old times when you were able to break your back for them...
If Frank was leading Davening, the Jews would've never made it out of Egypt... Paroh might have let them out earlier. I am not sure...
 
What does Snow White have to do with leaving Egypt? You can't compare everything to Disney... I am sorry I didn't bring Snow White into the Dvar Torah. I know it's not a modern day Dvar Torah if I talk Torah...
And it has nothing to do with Ukraine... Slavery is not war. You cannot compare everything to slavery... Having to cook in your kitchen and cook is not slavery. Even if you say 'I am slaving'...
Slavery is listening to Frank lead the Amidah. Every second, you are subjugated to pain... Slavery is having to purchase eggs for seven dollars a dozen. Slavery is listening to you talk about how Snow White is the reason you keep the Mitzvah of not driving on Shabbis... Learn Torah.
Leaving Egypt is not the same as Ukraine…
 
Why do all guest speakers never get to the point… You have to hear something about a cartoon and then you’re happy... The last time I head them talk Torah...
 
(13:21) They were 'comforted' by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of cloud during the day.
You're comforted by cartoons. If you would've had Saturday morning cartoons in the desert...
Comforted means they were shown the way. When you know the way you are not worried. When the Baal Tefillah has no idea how to lead Davening, you are worried. I will be comforted when people in this shul learn how to be Daven and be Jews... I don't think half of the membership can find the shul... Then why do they never show up???
This is why everybody needs therapy and a speech about Snow White. Everybody is lost. Probably can't even figure out how to sing 'Jerusalem of Gold'... There is more to the song than the chorus...

Did the Jews leave with eggs? They left with some wealth of the Egyptians. Must've been eggs... We are going to skip the Tu BShvat Seder this year. Frank has caused enough pain. With Frank, the price of eggs, Jews being chased by Egyptians, Ukraine and Snow White... Truly, you can learn everything from Cinderella and how her shoe fits.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I had no idea there was more to 'Jerusalem of Gold' than the Hebrew lyrics 'Yerushalaim Shel Zahav.' It always gets me when these songs have verses too.

The rabbi got up and gave his full sermon after the guest speaker spoke. The rabbi couldn’t let the long and painful Davening go. He had to talk about it, as well as how much he can't stand learning Torah from Snow White.
The rabbi later went off on the harmony. He was not happy with how off-tune the shul is again.
 
The guest speaker spoke about Snow White. He might have brought the Parsha into it somewhere. I am not sure. I think he brought the Parsha as proof to Snow White.
Listening to these young guest speakers, I realize that my Torah education is lacking cartoons. It's my lack of knowledge of animation that has held me back in seminary.
 
The congregants have a way of now giving credence to stuff by comparing it to Egypt. Two years ago they were comparing stuff to the Holocaust. Like, 'It's not fair that the prices on milk went up. It's like the Holocaust.' I have no idea what happened. I think that it's what COVID and the politicians did to people. Studies will come out that it made people crazy. Since the Ukraine war thing happened, now they compare that to our history. 'It's like slavery.' One person said, 'The price of the eggs is way to high. It's like Egypt.' Soon they'll be saying that bread is now expensive like Snow White.
 
Eggs are now very expensive. We've started a charity fund to help people purchase eggs.
I can't figure out why they're so expensive. I am guessing the chickens in Topeka got lazy.

They talked about Egypt at the Tu BShvat Seder. I guess you can compare everything to Egypt. Even so, it would have made more sense if we didn't have the kids singing the Mah Nishtana. I think the people running the Seder thought it was Pesach.

Now we only have two people who can lead services and one doesn’t show up
We have lost members because they can't stand hearing themselves pray. We are thinking of bringing a choir to sing Motown just so the members don’t have to hear themselves. It’s painful.

I think I'm skipping Kiddish next week. I can't listen to people comparing Snow White, dwarfs and Ukraine to Egypt again. The true lesson is to not watch Disney. An anti-Semite.
Do they have cheap eggs in Ukraine? That's something I want to know. I would like a sermon on that.

Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'

Diaspora Happened
Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land.
Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement.

What's A Date
Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town.
Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then.

It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way."
As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell).

Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts.

Apricots Become Popular in Europe
Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat.

In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive.
Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying).

Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.'
But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees.
And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts.
They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2.

The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous.

There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.'

Other Notes on the Holiday
Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew.
Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel.

Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach.

Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat.

It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form.

Many have asked me, as their rabbi, if it's a Mitzvah to celebrate New Year's Eve. Many do not know this, but New Year's Eve is not one of the New Years brought in the Torah. Gd did not command us to get drunk and wear a Santa hat. Hence, it's not a Mitzvah. Even so, New Year's is a Jewish day, and that is why we start New Year's at night. Let us now delve into some of the traditions of Rosh Hashana and New Year's Eve and how they differ.

New Year's: People go out and drink a lot of alcohol.
Rosh Hashana: We stay in and drink a lot of Manischewitz.
There is no Mitzvah of Kiddish on New Year's. Thus, you can drink any kind of alcohol you would like. The only issue is that most bars do not stock up on Manischewitz for New Year's.

New Year’s: Watch the apple drop in New York City.
Rosh Hashana: Do I even have to say?! You get it.

New Year's: Celebrate with party.
Rosh Hashana: Celebrate with brisket.
You can also celebrate Rosh Hashana with Davening. However, it's hard to eat brisket while praying.

New Year’s: They have sales.
Rosh Hashana: Nothing is on sale. Even apples are marked up. The grocers know.

New Year's: Kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight. That's the only true tradition of New Year's Eve.
Rosh Hashana: If you kiss somebody you're going to hell, and you'll feel bad about it, and that makes you happy.
 
New Year’s: Make New Year’s resolutions to not eat.
Rosh Hashana: Eat as much as you can, because it is spiritual.
After eight and a half pounds of brisket on Rosh Hashana, you make a resolution to not eat.
Rosh Hashana and New Year's: After the resolution, you eat. It's tradition.
 
New Year’s: Make a resolution to never eat chocolate.
Rosh Hashana: Eat chocolate, because you ate it every day since January second.
 
New Year’s: No praying.
Rosh Hashana: We pray and we listen to the shofar.
The day after New Year’s, everybody is praying that they’ll feel better. And everything they hear sounds like a shofar being blown real loud, right in their face.
 
New Year’s: See famous people on TV.
Rosh Hashana: Finally see some famous people showing up to shul.

New Year's: People celebrate around the world with fireworks.
Rosh Hashana: If you see anything that looks or sounds like fireworks, that's probably an anti-Semite.

Rosh Hashana: Ask people and Gd for forgiveness, known as Teshuva.
New Year’s: Do as many things wrong that you can, so you have what to do on Rosh Hashana.
 
Rosh Hashana: Prepare for holiday by calling family and friends.
New Year’s: Forget to call family and friends. Drank too much.

Rosh Hashana: Everybody watches the guy blowing the shofar.
New Year's: Everybody watches the guy puking.
We've learned that there's a tradition a lot of people have to drink on New Year's Eve. If New Year's Eve doesn't fall out on Purim, you shouldn't drink.

Rosh Hashana: The whole family is around.
New Year's: You would feel too guilty to enjoy yourself if family was around.

All this said, you can still do Mitzvahs on New Year's Eve. And if you're not inebriated, you might end up eating brisket on New Year's. That's a Mitzvah.
New Year's and New Year are very different. You should all be blessed with a good New Year in September.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is loved by Jews. Yet, the parade is not Jewish enough. I hope these ideas can help make the parade more Jewish, so that we can witness redemption in our times with some huge balloons.

Floats
Ice cream floats, that would be a something. I don't need to see truck flatbeds not carrying food. That's a waste. It's also boring. A truck full of pumpkins would be a spectacle.
I would be there to watch a huge ice cream float on wheels. That would be a thing. Other than ice cream, they can make the floats more Jewish if they would have a more Biblical look going on the floats. The problem with the Biblical figures in a scene on the flatbed is that gentiles would mistake the holiday for Christmas.
I would never suggest floats of Jews. The Belgian parade people would enjoy that too much. They'd be right there at Macy's pitching ideas of Jews with big noses and streimels holding huge bags of money.

Marching Bands
This is offensive to Jews and shouldn't be part of the parade. Jewish musicians do not move. They stand in one spot and focus. They can't do two things at once. They can't play the trumpet while multitasking. This is why Jewish men focus on learning and don't help out around the house. They can't multitask. And Jews don't fip batons. Even Aly Raisman never touched one of those.
Frum Jewish musicians focus. They don't do dance or pop shows. Singers should focus too. The only movement a Jewish singer should be doing is raising their hand in the air. This is why I question if Mordechai Shapiro and Gad Elbaz are really Jewish singers.
A Jewish wedding band on a float is fine. The floats should be moving the band. Band stays still and the float moves with a guy raising his hand, asking Gd 'why' while singing. I even question raising the hand, as it might be multitasking too much.

Performers
Music. That's it. The parade should just be music perfromances and nothing else. Jewish performance is music. Nobody is going to be entertained watching guys dance down the street in a circle.

Huge Balloons
Love these. Keep them. Giant Balloons are the parade. Nobody cares that South Dakota has a marching band. If Avraham Fried joined their band, that would be a something.
What would make the parade even better is if a balloon clown was there making the huge balloons to request. Those guys can do anything. They definitely are great at Bar Mitzvahs.
Though I love them, I do get scared when those things start passing above me on the street. I've seen Godzilla and what he can do. Those balloons are twenty stories high. Just because it's Chase from PAW Patrol doesn't make me feel any safer.

Balloonicles
After seeing the huge skyscrapper balloons, I'm not very imporessed. This just goes to show what happens when people get lazy. Instead of a three hundred foot balloon, now you get to see a clown riding a bycicle with Bulldog and SpongeBob.
Why have we never seen a balloon of the Shteeble Hoppers? Are they not mainstream American entertainement? They were played in my home all the time. Again. I am not suggesting Belgians get involved making these balloons.

MCs
These TV hosts are too smiley. MCs should not accept the parade as good. The MCs should be critiuqing the parade, arguing over the balloons not being good enough. Expressing disappointment at the giant cartoon characters. They should be complaining about the event and telling us how they would choose better balloonicles. That's what a true MC does.

Sales and Black Friday
I know Macy's is prepping everybody for Black Friday.
Can we change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague. I'm just worried they're going to blame the Jews for that at some point.

If I saw this, I would be thankful. Until then, I will be happy with huge balloons.
Truth be told. It's all Bitul Zman (a waste of time). Everything other than the huge balloons. The parade should just be giant balloons. Those are Gd's creation.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Yom Kippur and Sukkot, parents using their strollers to block the entrance of the shul, and Amazon leaving your packages where your neighbors can take them, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at happiness expressed at the Kotel and little kids helping build Sukkahs.

Jews were in the Midbar, the desert, complaining about food. So, Gd gave them Manna every day, and they still complained. On Friday, they had to take two of the Manna loaves, so they would have enough for Shabbat. They complained. And to this day, people complain about preparing for Shabbat. 
We also had to collect double portions when there was a holiday. So, now Jews prepare huge feasts every holiday. Four of them within a forty hour span. And three enormous feasts every Shabbat. And you have to eat them all. And if you don't eat them, you're not a good Jew.
Here is the extensive history:

How It Began
We were told to collect double portions. And you wonder why our ancestors were complaining all the time. Two Challahs?! That won't fill anybody up. Ever had one of those little rolls? Imagine getting stuck with a bulkie.
Worried we would get stuck with bulkie rolls, we started having huge meals. 

Meals Became Huger
In late 204 CE, to be exact, the rabbis tried to figure out what two loaves meant. That got translated as two four course meals every day of every holiday and three on Shabbat. Plus dessert.
In 1377 Shmuli asked, 'What about dessert?' And it became a requirement to add babka.

Exile Didn't Stop Us - It Only Added More Food
Wandering, Jews were worried how they will make these four course meal loaves. And they found a way to make huger meals, creating Hashgacha organizations for Kashrut. Allowing factories to cook for us, in vats that hold a hundred thousand gallons.
Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day holiday of exile, became a staple in the Jewish community. So, we had to eat more. If Gd would've had in mind Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, He would've made us take three loaves of Manna. So the people decided they needed to double the amount they ate at every meal; making for two eight course meals, every meal of the holidays. As Shabbat is even greater than the holidays, Shabbat had to have three eight course meals. They needed thirty Challahs for that. And soup.
In the early 1500s soup nuts became a rabbinical requirement. The rabbis were worried that there were not enough carbs. It took years, and the founding of modern day Israel, to finally bring the crunch to the soup that the rabbis announced was missing from Shabbat joy.

Recipes Add To Weight
In the 1600s, they figured out how to make Kugel, which is anything not dessert in baked form. Truly, a Kugel is anything served in a tin that is not chicken. And we started making bigger meals. You had to have double portions of Kugel. Otherwise, you offend the Ba'alat Bayit. ​It was then that they also learned how to make brisket as well. This all doubled the amount of each course, again, doubling the main course.  
The Kugel redefined Shabbat meals, and made us fatter as a people. We have to delight in Shabbat, and Kugels brought delight. Kugels, choolante, kishka, tzimis, fish, matzah balls, desserts, chicken, salatim. It all developed at around the same time.
It was then that two Challahs turned into fifteen dishes for the main course. And you couldn't have a main course without soup. You also needed fish, so that you could use the extra smaller plate. An aside: The smaller plate became a symbol of what the Jew will not eat. We use it for a beginner course, and then we remove it from the table to show that only sinners eat such small portions.
In the twentieth century Hadassah was created to ensure that all Jews know how to make large portions.

Different Traditions Of the Ages
The food became too much to bring to the table, so the French started what is known as the buffet. They are very weak and can't carry forty pound briskets to the table.
In other countries Jews were worried. The pale of settlement came and the Jews didn't know where their next meal was coming from. So it was a new command to eat as much as you can twice, at each meal, to fulfil Lechem Mishneh.
And then we saw that there was no Challah.

An Extra Shabbat Soul
And then the rabbis started pushing the teaching of a Nishama Yeteira, an extra Shabbat soul. So, at each meal, you had to eat two four course meals with extra Challahs, soup, kishka, Kugels and soup nuts, at every meal, and extra dessert. I don't know the full mathematics. All I know is that this is where they coined the phrase, 'I'm going for doubles.' 'Seconds' was already used in the year 1,043 BCE.
How we have two Challahs still on Saturday? I don't know. So we now collect thirty-two Challahs for Shabbis. And we eat more, as we're worried we didn't fulfill the two loaves.
And then they added whip cream to dessert. Otherwise, the extra soul is still hungry.

Being a Good Jew
Then the rabbis made a decree that you have to be heavy. Otherwise it's Maaras Ayin that you're not eating enough on the holidays (Chagim). Communities started excommunicating members who were under 200lbs. If you were over eighteen and under 200lbs, you were banned. 
In some communities it became tradition to start diets after every Chag. The head of the table would say, 'The diet starts after the Chag.' Those communities became known as modern orthodox.

Next time we will go through the history of the Oneg Shabbat and other modern-day additions to the Shabbat meal, such as Salatim, adding a double sixth course to every Shabbat and Yom Tov meal.

Dancing this holiday at the Simchat Beit Hashoeva, in the ring of brotherhood on the guy’s side of the synagogue, I felt at home. My hands were on my friend’s shoulders and I was walking around in a circle. Jews dance in a circle, by walking. I can’t wait for Simchat Torah, when I have the chance to walk in circle form, again.
The Simchat Torah ‘Two Handed Torah Lift Carry Torah Touch’ is an exciting dance move, but it is nothing without the circle. All Jewish parties (Simchas), Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, Friday nights when we want prayers to last longer, the dance is in circle form. Because that is how Jews dance, in a circle. It is the people walking that make for the Jewish dance.
Side note: We will not deal with the Middle of the Circle. Do not go in here, until you have mastered the outside circle. It is dangerous in there.
As diverse as the dancing may be, the circle is the root; the circle of community, the outside circle of love. Here are the different outside circles of Jewish tradition and dance:
 
Two Handed Shoulder Hold
​A classic. You can never go wrong following the person in front of you, unless if that person is an Apikores. You place your arms on their shoulders and follow. Wherever they go, you go. It starts in the circle and will usually end in a circle. Sometimes, it will turn into the ‘Train.’ Other times, it will be to the bar. No matter what, you can’t go wrong by holding the guy's shoulders. This dance is also very useful for those who do not have good balance. For those people, I suggest to brace yourself on the shoulders of the person in front of you very tightly.
If the dance leads you to the bar or pole, duck. This is why you should always have your eyes open, even when doing the Two Handed Shoulder Hold.
 
The Hand in Hand
Intimate circle, where hands are held. Another classic. You generally want to join one of these circles with members of your immediate family. Front person should always have their hand on top. Don't make the one leading you supinate their hand. Dancing is not a power game, where you’ve always got the upper hand position on both sides. Don't ruin the enjoyment and make the ring of brotherhood and sisterhood a circle of contorted hands, so that you can feel like you're leading in a new dance where you are the king. It's not about you. It's about the community. You're just causing discomfort, and that makes the whole dancing not fun.
Front person has the upper hand position, always. Circles move faster that way. And be ready for to flip your hands if the circle ever switches directions. Hand placement is the key to any Simcha. Happiness depends on how you hold hands. If your follower ever tries to connect to your hand from above, smack it. I've seen too many of these egotistical Baal Gayvas causing communal hatred.
 
One Hand Shoulder Hold 
Where you put one hand on the shoulder. This shows the versatility of the shoulder dance genre. You can go from two to one hand. This dance allows for more flexibility, as the hand that is free can be raised. Possibilities are endless with the shoulder holds.
No matter what you do, you should always end up in a circle. Even if you go for a forward impromptu step, always fun, you come back to the circle. Like life, the Jewish dance always come back to the circle.
 
Upper Back Hold
This is a variation on the shoulder hold dances. This dance is very useful when you are having a hard time reaching the person in front of you. Generally, this dance is done with the palm on the back. Even so, I have seen it executed with fingers, when the circle was too large and the Simcha was not well attended.
 
The Run Fast
You run fast in a circle. You don’t need to be talented for this, but you do need to be in shape. Be ready for your arm to be pulled out of socket by the guy in front of you. Check to make sure there’s a doctor at this Jewish event before you get involved The Run Fast.
Please know that this is a more advanced movement. ​​For those depending on the guy in front of them for balance, this can be dangerous. Note: Circling may make you dizzy, but I trust you'll get used to it. Start slow. 
 
The Leg Lift
Popularized in the mid-90s, this is where you lift your leg every couple of steps. Kind of like the kick, many people have gotten injured doing this. I suggest to stick to the ‘Two Handed Shoulder Hold’ and walking. Safety comes first. Basically, any dance where you're holding hands can cause injury. With the arms on the shoulders, kicking ability is hampered and that is good.
Do not try to be fancy and kick out to the sides, as that can cause injury to others. For yourself, you will want to stretch before side to sider kicks as well.
Remember, safety is the most important aspect of all dances, which is why you should watch out for any movement. Any dance that involves movement should be avoided. And do not think for one second that you are dancing to burn calories from the smorgasbord. You can’t burn off that much pastry.
 
Next time, we will delve into the Hora styles of not moving while you dance. We will also explore more outside circle techniques, such as how to pick your spot and when to cut into a circle, how to execute the Hassidic Back Forth Tish arm step, how to get in shape for the circle run for weddings of those in their young 20s, how to stand and clap outside the circle, proper etiquette for when to get the circle to change directions by yelling ‘switch,’ and what to do when the ‘train’ starts or the person in front of you pulls you away from the circle, pulling you away from your Jewish heritage.
As long as your hands are placed correctly, you should be good. Holding techniques take time, but you will get them down if you're persistent. Trust in yourself. For now, work on becoming the best Jewish dancer you can be this Simchat Torah, and practice walking.

How did they travel to Jerusalem to bring sacrifices? In a car-bon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Karbon is Hebrew for sacrifice. Sacrifices in the Temple. They traveled there. Carbon is a chemical, and not part of the pun. I can't explain the 'bon' part. A car bomb would be wrong. When delivering this pun, focus on the 'car' part. Draw attention to ‘car.’
 
What Bracha do you make on a boat? Shehakol nehiyeh bidva row-row-row. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Shehakol blessing is the blessing everybody makes on water. A boat is in water. The song 'Row Row Row Your Boat' is about a boat.
 
Why did the entertainer take prisoners? He wanted a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The captive audience joke works every year. So many iterations. It's amazing. Create your own pun about people taken captive. They have to laugh at it. Amazing joke when people are locked up. Great way to start any bit. And all puns are best when done in question form.
 
Why did they visit their friends? They were told to do Bikurim. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bikurim is the first fruits. Also means to 'visit with,' if we're talking Hebrew and you split up the word. The Temple didn't see those fruits, as they misunderstood what to do. Some puns are not meant to be funny. They are meant to be educational.

Please remind me to say Hatarat Nedarim before Rosh Hashana. I promised I wouldn't forget it this year. (Mordechai)
You get it? Hatarat Nedarim is annulling vows. He vowed he wouldn't forget to annul the vows. Another vow. He has to annul that too. If he doesn't show up, he's in trouble.
 
I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.

I paid for a top of the line Etrog, but ended up with a real lemon. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Etrogs are a citrus fruit. They look like lemons. You can't use a lemon as an Etrog on Sukkot. Kids do, because they can't tell the difference. Cars that are lemons are not good. So the Etrog wasn't good. It was a lemon.

People think that Jews aren’t handy. Not true. When it comes to the holiday of Sukkot, we pull out that architectural paper and get to work. The people who built the pyramids come to life by showing they can still build, with structures that last eight days.
Here are the four traditional Sukkahs you can build this Sukkot.

Cloth Sukkah
The Cloth Sukkah is traditional Jewish building at its peak.
For construction, you take the pre-tailored cloth and slip the metal pole through the folded over hole that runs through the cloth. This is not a simple one-person job, as the metal pole can easily get stuck in the middle of the cloth. Hence, most traditional architects suggest the builders stick to brick and cement when laying the foundations of a building. They have seen the hazards of cloth building. 
It might sound easy to stick a pole through cloth, but it takes a good half hour to finish this structure. Which is why so many young Jewish children opt out of the building business.
There is no greater feeling of accomplishment as a builder then when you take the hard side of the Velcro and attach it to the soft side of the Velcro. At that point, you know the building is complete. At that point, it's time to crack open that beer. That home is finished. Job well done. You can dwell in that and not get bit by mosquitos.
Great part of this Sukkah is the mesh work on the cloth window slats. This allows for a view of the wall you set up your Sukkah against.
 
Canvas Sukkah
A step up from the Cloth Sukkah in its ability to make noise in the wind.
You do not push the metal slats through the canvas here. For this Sukkah, we use the metal ring construction technique. Making it more complicated, you have to build with string and double knots. You also have to find decent plumbing, as your pipes must be strong. This Sukkah is best built in stormier areas. If you live near tall buildings, this may be a better choice than the Cloth Sukkah. However, make sure you practice tying knots before attempting construction. Anybody with untied shoelaces will not be of help here.
The best part about this Sukkah is that after the holiday, you can use your walls to transfer the leaves from your backyard to the curb.
 
Wood Plank Sukkah
The Wood Plank Sukkah walls are not for the novelist. Even so, it makes for great family memories. If you want the full holiday experience of family hostility, this is the Sukkah for you.
As memories are based in complication, the Wood Plank Sukkah made for my childhood memories, with yells of ‘Where is the B plank.’ My father never marked the planks, and I never knew what the B plank meant. It might have been the A or D plank that my dad was looking for. As I learned later on, it was not about the plank, but rather a chance to shout at me.
Make for family memories and add a level of complication to your holidays. Other ways to make for family memories of holiday antipathy is to live in a building and to have your Sukkah in the building’s courtyard. The 100 meter walk and four flights of stairs to the Sukkah, while carrying soup, will definitely have mom and dad yelling at the children.
 
Home Sukkah
You get rid of the ceiling and you're good to go.
Roofing problems? Hole in the roof? This is your year for a Sukkah. Some people don’t like racoons in their home. Those weak people call the roofer. You put up that Sukkah covering (schach) and you have the most beautiful Sukkot holiday you ever had. You just have to see the wooden lining.
I don't suggest you carve out your living room ceiling for Sukkot. It would be the religious thing to do. However, it will bring up the heating bill this winter.
 
I don't know if they had the Canvas Sukkah in the desert. Though, it would've made sense.
Now it's time to make for some family memories and build with your children, and yell at them. No matter what kind of Sukkah you build, remember that the Sukkah is a place to show our belief that G-d protects us from everything but flies. 

We will bring you more options for Sukkah building next time. Including the Sukkahs with wheels, Clunker Sukkahs, bouncy houses and more modern day Sukkahs like the Lego Sukkah that takes many years of commitment to build.

Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
​
Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
​
Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch.

What are similarities?
Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. 

And that's it?
Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. 

That's it? Just Jewish?
Yes. 
Jews are very similar.

In what way?
They're Jewish.

Do you do research?
I study. I’m a history buff.

Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes?
Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew.

But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel.
That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish.

What are they?
Frum.

So, how do you set them up?
I don't. I set up their parents.
If their parents say yes, they get married.

How do the parents know what the kid wants?
The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. 

What do the kids want?
I talk to the parents.

How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews?
Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them.

How do you do that?
If they both speak English​. English.

But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard.
Exactly.

Then how do you limit the options?
I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married.

How do you know it's right?
God. God creates Shidduchim.

Then what are you doing?
Figuring out who's Jewish.

Doesn't God know who's Jewish?
It's a complicated matter.

Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married?
Yes. When I get the money.
I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side.

How do you charge?
Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge.

Not all marriages are good.
That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings.
100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents.

The documents?
When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof.

Do you work with the Shidduch resume?
I’ve found many single people good jobs. 

Isn't the resume for finding people a match?
If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important.

Do you use it for anything else?
Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities.
​
What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven?
Those guys live in Topeka. No chance.

Then how will they meet somebody?
I'll set them up. 

They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka.
That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English?
​
Yes.
If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen.

Conclusion
Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up.

I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.'
The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married.
 
In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance.
The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English.
I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim, Shavuot and any other holidays in between, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he cheats the falafel system by loading up the salads.

Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot.
 
Bring Your Children
They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. 
If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.
Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.​

Learn in Chavrusa Form
Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand.
Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury.
There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye.
Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out.

Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult
As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze.
The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them.
 
Board Games
Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria.
I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning.
Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat.
You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer.
 
Have a Friend Smack You
If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker.
It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.
Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah.

Wrestling
This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions.
Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. 
If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it.

If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. 
If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain.

Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night

Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death. 
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time.

No Rainbows
Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers.
Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would  make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too.
No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them.
When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. 

Bows Are All The Same
The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire.
Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. ​You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch.

Ideas for Childhood Danger
As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi:
Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it.
Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time.
Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen.
Have them eat with their mouths open.
Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves.
Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger.
Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. 
Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire.
Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want.

Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street
If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires.
If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking.
In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows.
If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave.

Take Away
The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire.