(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world.
 
Singing Continues After Your Pray 
I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. 
They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets.
Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes.

Holding Hands In the Moment
When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced.
Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people.
The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me.
I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. 

And Now "Acheinu"
All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze.
Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened.
The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that.
"Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat.
I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight.

The Sun Is Rising
The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration.
It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired.

Final Conclusion
I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us.

The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students."
And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot.
And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form.

I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either.

"Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day.
I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times.

I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans.
And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night.

I can't go this Shavuot without helping you figure out more ways to stay up all night by not learning Torah.
We've discussed many ways to stay up over the years. Eating blintzes, a lot of blintzes to take up more time, drinking coffee, drinking coke, the talking to people method, meeting a potential spouse method of staying up Shavuot, even if it creeps out the ladies at the Shiur, extending dinner to stay away from the Tikun Leil Shavuot lectures. You also have the discussion technique of finding out about what people's college graduates are planning on doing after they've been crashing at their parent's home for the past three years- a great way to disturb somebody, helping them lose sleep. Last Shavuot I noticed more creative ways to stay up, and I shall share them with you, to help.
Definitely. Do not learn Torah. The idea is to remain awake for the receiving of the Torah without learning it.

The Snacks Method
"Snacks" is how secular Jews say Kiddish.
You had the meal. Meals stop. Snacks don't. The meal is over, what do you do? You can’t eat dessert all night. You snack.
The Snack Method consists of you eating more. You ate before you came back to shul to talk while others are learning. Now, you eat more. Good Jews eat more. If you don't know how to eat more, you're not a good Jew and you probably don't even keep the holiday of Shavuot. And you don't deserve to receive the Torah, which commands you to eat more than you can. You probably don't even know what “keep” means. Keep is how Frum Jews practice Mitzvot. They keep them. Religious Jews keep Mitzvot very close to themselves, which is why they hold by them.
While you are eating, you socialize. Don't stop eating. If you stop, somebody might suggest you go to another class. It's healthier to eat than to listen to a lecture at 2am.
The difference between the Snacks Method and the Gorging Method is that you can talk while eating snacks. When gorging, your mouth must be full at all times, thus not leaving space for correct pronunciation.
 
Sing a Niggun
Singing can take up a bunch of time. Nigguns can take up even more time. The Niggun has no words, nor does one know where the chorus and verses are. Hence, the Niggun only ends when it stops. And you do not stop, or the lecture will start. And lectures induce sleep.
The idea is an activity. A Shavuot dance party is a great way to spend the night. The Manhattan JCC has capitalized on Shavuot activities that have nothing to do with Torah, which is the perfect way to stay up throughout the night for the Torah. A dance party with a DJ and a decent action movie, maybe some Karaoke and a cash bar. Great ways to spend the Shavuot holiday, getting through the night, without having to think about Torah. You may even want to head to a bar or a casino and sing a Niggun there. Staying away from Jews and playing slot machines may help you stay up. I don't believe the Manhattan JCC has thought about Shavuot slot machines yet. Pictures of blintzes and cheesecake with Torahs would be perfect reels, along with Lucky Number 18. Again, we're just trying to help you stay awake. The idea is to stay up.

Politics
Get involved in a political debate with any member of my shul. That will last a good three hours, before you have a chance to share your opinion.

Play Boardgames
We've discussed Jewish boardgames. Yet, regular boardgames that don't have to do with Mitzvot may be an easier way to stay up. They're social, will helpfully disturb any lecture, and they are all Jewish. Boardgames is how you have fun when you have no access to the internet, making them Shabbisdik and Jewish.
Sit in a class and open up a Chess board. The sound of smacking down a Chess piece will definitely shift the focus of the Shiur. If you have Monopoly that is also fun. The dice make some good noise. Dice rolling, along with a loud "I will take Boardwalk - thank you," will help shift the rooms focus to the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, which was given to the Jews at Sinai.
Games nights are a regular Friday night event in Jewish communities around the globe. Games nights used to be for fans of comics and Dungeons and Dragons, until they learned about technology and the joys of being able to play games without interacting with people. Now game nights are only for Frum people, who are not allowed to enjoy Shabbat without people.
You can play Monopoly. I don't suggest Settlers of Catan, known by many Jew haters as Occupiers of Catan.

Eating More
Remember to eat. And to not stop eating. Otherwise, you will have to learn.
The popping over to other people's homes method is a great way to lengthen eating duration and save money. You eat their food. Cheesecake can get kind of expensive.
Eating as many meals as possible also helps. This is why the first eat a dairy meal and then eat a meat meal tradition started. You finish the meat meal at 2am and you don't have to learn very much.

Do Not Learn
Anything you are doing that is not learning or listening to lectures will help.
You can also set an alarm and let it run. It's very hard to sleep with one of those things beeping all night. Let the alarm go off in the Beit Midrash. Bothering people who are trying to learn also a great way to stay up. Bothering people is a fun activity, and will help you stay awake, even if you forgot the alarm.
The exercise technique should not be overlooked. Bring a squat-rack into the Beit Midrash. Lifting weights in bro form, with other dudes cheering you on, will keep you awake and definitely bother the others who are trying to figure out why Rava is wrong again. This can also help others by keeping them in shape between Chavrusas. I am just trying to help here.
Don't forget the Niggun method. With the way people at my shul harmonize, nobody will be able to learn with that disturbance. Again, the idea is to disrupt people to help them stay up.
Even better. Get somebody from the Manhattan JCC to set up a DJ booth in the Beit Midrash.

Again. Do not learn.
If you do end up being forced to learn, ask questions. If you're learning the Gemara about the people fighting over a Tallis, ask questions about Tzitzis. You can get through a whole night asking, "Does people fighting over a Tallis apply to Tzitzis? Let's say they were each grabbing the Tzitzis? Would the Tzitzis not rip? Is it Rava or Rabba? That always confuses me, which one is which." You will be learning and bothering the person you're learning with at the same time. This all helps with staying awake. Once you move further into the Gemara and start learning Tosfot, you're spacing out and falling asleep.
Again. The eating method is the best way to stay up. Eat and drink coffee and put on a few pounds. Putting on weight, the Gorging Method, is the most accepted technique for not falling asleep. The Cheesecake Method is the most trusted of the Gorging Methods, as it offers you extra time in the bathroom. And one may not learn in the bathroom. Thus, nobody will bother you there.
And do not forget the Walking to the Kotel for Vatikin Davening Method. If you are living outside of Jerusalem that walk will definitely eat up some time. Just remember to set up the correct food parcels for the trip, thus helping you put on weight while walking to the Kotel. Therefore, practicing the Jewish holiday rituals of staying up all night and putting on weight.
Again. Do not learn.

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.”
 
Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar.

Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something.
 
The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft.
“...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish.
When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum...
Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown...
It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard...

It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here...
(Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase...
The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies...
Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd.
Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd...

We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job.
Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. 
Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar...
The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd."

And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work.
This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns.
We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday...
The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas.
If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements...
Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night...
A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!!

We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah.
Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot.
You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf...
You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'...
In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first.
We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year...

You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something.
There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident.
Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar...
Maybe announce events on time...
I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come...

You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance.
If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid...
Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council...
You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist.

It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase.

Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands.
The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist.
The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa.

The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly.
That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building.

The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party.

How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late.
Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that.
I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed.
Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened.

For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money.

The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for."

The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage.

Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. 
Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul.
The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning.
I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it.

The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it.
The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation.
The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser.

Let us continue the Yom Yerushalayim dancing we were talking about yesterday. It's just a meaningful story. No Torah. But there is dancing, and the Kotel. So, it's meaningful.

Kol HaOlam Koolo or Davening During These Times
The Kol HaOlam Koolo (Whole World) Circle began and I was in it. Once you're in the circle of unity, you feel the unity and you're not leaving it. Unity takes up a lot of room in a very small space. It's very hard to maneuver around unity. Not being able to move is very unifying. "The whole world is a narrow bridge" and I was on that bridge with my people. You sing those words, especially during these times and you feel the unity. The unity of our people, packed together, making it very hard to get to The Wall.

During These Times
"During these times" is what you say when you're talking about bad stuff. I learned that from my Israeli rabbis. It's always "During these times." It's never "In these times." In these times things are not that bad. It's during these times that something is very wrong. Nothing good has ever happened during these times. "In these times" all is fine and dandy. "During those times" is not bad. During those times, they had flower petals on beds and unicorns. Things are always bad during these times. It's been "during these times" in Israel for a very long time.
When you sing about a narrow bridge, it somehow all makes sense. These times makes a lot of sense. And there I was, touching and swaying many narrow bridges. It was hours of narrow bridges. Greater than any Tefillah. It was Achdut, unity and a narrow bridge. Too narrow to make it to the Kotel. Perfect for crowd surfing. Which would've helped me get to the Kotel sooner.
I needed to be part of my people during these times. That was my only choice. I had to dance with my people. I was stuck.
Why would anybody want to leave a narrow bridge during these times?! It was during these times that I am talking. I've never heard a good Frum Jew talking about in these times. Such a merit. A Zechus. I have to tell my rebbe. I was at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim during these times.

Still In the Circle
We stayed in a circle. There was nowhere to go. We were at the Kotel already. The Kotel Plaza. Then, all the sudden, the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle turned into a Hora. Movement was faster and I side-danced with the circle till I could break to the Kotel side. I had to time the angle on the Kotel side of the circle. There was some Hora back-stepping, which impeded my sideways progress. Nonetheless, I finally got to The Wall side.
It was on this Yom Yerushalayim that I felt the beginning of redemption, the hand holding, the circle. That is how we dance: circle, sometimes get the middle cypher going, one hand hold kick and switch the kick. The idea is to touch the guy next to you.

I Finally Made it to the Kotel
I finally made it to the Kotel, side-stepping with the Hora. I'd practiced this move on Friday nights, trying to make it to The Wall during a Carlebach Minyin. You dance with them and at the 180 degree point, you separate from the circle and join the next circle. A circlized mixer dance. Some men have a very tight grip, developed from years of Tish dancing. Yet, I made it to The Wall after pinching one of the guys hands to get out of his vise grip.
I was worried I would never make it. Yet, once they moved into Hora and Shwekey songs, it started to move. Hora circles move. Sometimes they move backwards, but they still move.
The singing did disturb my Davening (prayers) and I did tell them to stop singing for a few minutes, so I could focus on my Amidah silent prayer. It turned out that my voice was not heard by the nation at the Kotel. So, I Davened. I was not willing to part with tradition. Then I remembered, I like dancing during Davening. Which is hard to do during the Amidah, where I have to keep my feet in place. So, I started swaying. Known as Shuckling, one could not tell if I was dancing or Davening to "Hava Nagilah."

I Finished Davening and My People Kept Going
I thought I was done after Davening. I had finished the journey. I did what my rebbe wanted. I danced to the Kotel with my people and prayed. It was meaningful. I had united. What now?!
After I Davened, or danced- I don't remember which one- I meant to pray to Gd- there was definitely dancing, I heard them back on the "Kol HaOlam Koolo." The Hora can only last so long. After 3:30am it's hard to keep the Hora energy up. Even the young people decided to join the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.
I was trying to figure out how to get past the circle before 6am. I had work that morning, and I did not have a car, or the ability to beep at people who were celebrating.
As I was leaving the packed Kotel wall, I walked backwards in deference to the holiness of the place and to make it easier to look like I didn't mean to knock over the people I was walking into. You actually move faster that way. When you walk backwards and you injure people at the Kotel, you get out of there faster, and they forgive the action as religious duty.
I got past a few people, walking over them. I was ready to continue Yom Yerushalayim with sleep.
 
Singing Kept Me
I couldn't continue walking backwards from the Kotel. The unity drew me in. This time my heart was open. Without a need to go to The Wall, I found myself holding hands with my nation. Finally, back in the Old City of Jerusalem, celebrating Yom Yerushalayim, all different types of Jews defined by their Kippas. Kippot Srugot (knitted yarmulkes) Jews, satin and velvet Yarmulke Jews, known as Charedim, soldiers, Sherut Leumi, kids, adults. All heretics. None of them looked like me. If they learned from my rabbi, they might not have been heretics. Nonetheless, they were all my people and not one of the heretics was rebuking another. One people with this new heretical form of Davening, singing "Kol HaOLam Koolo" and dancing real slow, with smiles, taking over the Kotel.
During these times, nobody attacked my people, asides from myself trying to get out of the Kotel.

Conclusion
It's all more meaningful during these times. Being with my people, unifying in song during these times.
Unity doesn't move.
Unity keeps our people together.
Unity had me Davening with a bunch of heretics.
Unity keeps us rooted in the past.
Unity keeps us from running.
Unity keeps us from getting home and stops buses from getting out of the Old City.
Unity keeps people from waking up for work.
Unity ruins my Kavanah.
Unity makes Davening meaningful.
Unity is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

It is being together in Yerushalayim. That's what the holiday is about. It's not about getting anywhere. It's about being there. At least that makes me feel better about not moving very far and skipping work the next day.
Note: “Singing ‘Kol HaOlam Koolo’ and dancing real slow” has a nice ring to it.

I went to the Kotel for Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day. I hope I didn't do anything Asur. I hope celebrating Jerusalem as a Jew isn't forbidden according to Halacha. I don't know. Some of my rabbis seem to not be big fans of  the whole Six Day War and reclaiming Jerusalem. I just want to do the right thing. If it was celebrating Brooklyn, a Brooklyn Day, I would feel connected to my people. The Halacha would be clear. A decent deli and a corned beef on rye is something we have celebrated as a Jewish people. I'm still getting used to Yerushalayim and shawarma. Anyways, I celebrated Yom Yerushalayim with a Reuben sandwich.
Shavuot is a pilgrimage festival and it's coming up, and that's another question I'm discussing with my rabbi. I'm now in Yerushalayim and it's going to be hard for me to make it to Brooklyn for the Chag.

Background to My First Kotel Dance
It used to be the Koysel. Now I'm calling it the Kotel. What's happened to me. I'm not even Frum anymore. I might as well accept it. Shavuot. Now I'm going to the Kotel for Shavuot. Not even Shavuis.
I remember my first Friday night dance at the Kotel. It was the Kabbalat Shabbat service and the Yeshiva Bachurs got sick of Davening. So they started singing. Then they started singing stuff that wasn't even words. A Nay Nay Nay thing. Then they put down their Siddurs, started dancing. I didn't want to join them in their protest, as I was fine praying. But they pulled me in. And then I heard they were dancing in service of Gd. So, I joined them. It's definitely easier to focus on Tefillah without the prayers.
It was a very aggressive form of Kiruv. When I became religious, many people were trying to help bring me closer to Gd. Nobody ever pulled me physically or yanked me to be a better a Jew. The Jewish dance circle was a very violent form of Kiruv. I'd heard about what they call NCSY youth advisors who have injured many high school kids' arms by pulling them into what they called "Pre-Shabbat Ruach Circles," but I never had a shoulder pulled out of my socket for the sake of Gd before.
At first I didn't like this dancing in lieu of Davening. But then I got used to not praying and I started going to the Kotel to dance on Friday nights. I have now danced at the Kotel many of times since I became religious, to get out of having to Daven.
But Yom Yerushalayim is the holiday of Jerusalem, and we were celebrating Jerusalem. I did not know what to be prepared for. I had no idea what to expect. I came with extra shoulder protection, a sling, and knee guards just in case.

My Rabbi Said to Go "It's Yom Yerushalayim"
I was trying to make my way to the Kotel, the iconic spot of the Six Day War. My rabbi told me go. It turns out my rabbi is a Zionist. If I would've known that in advance, I would've learned somewhere else and found another rabbi. I would've probably went to learn in Poland. Now, I'm a Charedi who's saying Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim with a Bracha. The only Charedi who celebrates Shavuot. I should've known. My rabbi was wearing Techeilet. Only Zionist rabbis have the blue fringes on their Tzitzit. True ultra-Orthodox Jews do not follow those Mitzvahs. What kind of rabbi tells his student to go to the Kotel?!
Maybe I'm not Charedi now. I don't know. It changes depending on who's pulling me into what circle. But my rabbi told me, "It's Yom Yerushalayim. You join your people and follow the tradition. Listen to the rabbis' speeches at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav for three hours. After not understanding a thing they say, you march to the Kotel. Go with your people and Daven Maariv."

Making My Way to The Kotel
I started walking to the Kotel from Merkaz HaRav at the entrance to the city. I couldn't make it anywhere. I was surrounded by random people dancing. I realized that if we're dancing already two miles from the entrance to the Old City, which is another kilometer away from the Kotel, it's going to be a long night. I was bothered, "Why is everybody dancing?! There is no reason to dance. Nobody is Davening!" To which I was told that people dance outside of the Kotel too. To which I said, "That's Asur."
We weren't moving. I shouted, "We're nowhere near the Kotel. We're only at the central bus station. If you don't stop dancing, we'll never make it to the Kotel." It was at this moment that some of the people said, "Shoot. We'll never make it to the Kotel at this pace. I don't think we've moved. The circle just goes around. I think I'm back where I was ten minutes ago." And the circle opened up, and with arms around each other we all continued dancing in the direction of the Old City. And we started moving very slowly. They were jumping side to side. They were still dancing. I tried telling them that a march, like my rabbi suggested, would get us their quicker. Though a brisk walk would work better. I'm going to bring that up at our next Shiur.
You don't move very fast no matter how you dance. You won't make it anywhere quickly dancing. It will slow down any activity. Grocery shopping, a visit to the doctor's office, Davening.
It wasn't a hop skip and jump movement. They were doing this side to side jump dance, which I've noticed they do at sporting events and protests. It was the same dance. It moves quite slowly, as the direction is not forward. If turning toward the Kotel, it might have been faster. For a moment I thought they were protesting, until I heard a cheer of "Yerushalayim Shelanu. Oley Oley Oley Oley. Yerushalayim!!!" At which point, I realized they were going to a soccer game. They were Beitar Jerusalem fans and they never made it to the Kotel.

Other People Are Dancing Too
I left that group of dancers and joined another group of dancers who were singing "Yerushalayim Shel Zahav," "Jerusalem of Gold." And we danced down Jaffa Street to the beat of the song, even slower, as another circle was formed. It took a while to break that circle. "Jerusalem of Gold" is quite meaningful in circle form. You do not move fast in circles. That's something that I learned Yom Yerushalayim night. Confirmed. It was a half hour later that we morphed into a semicircle. Opening up the blockade part of the circle allowed for some movement towards the Kotel.
I was connected with all my Holy Brethren and Sistren as we moved towards the Old City. Jerusalem. Unified. Dancing through the streets of Yerushalayim in semicircle form. Holding up traffic. Getting beeped. Getting people mad. It turns out that people trying to get home from work don't celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. They don't like circles, and it turns out they also don't like semicircles.

The Kotel Plaza - A Circle of Love
I made it through Jaffa Gate, Shaar Yafo, with a bit of pushing and running over the people that were in front of me in the semicircle. I finally got to the Kotel Plaza and people were again in circle form. It was six and a half hours since Yom Yerushalayim began. Six and a half hours of circles. The half, representing the half a day it took to clean up after the war. It turns out that groups like to form circles at the Kotel Plaza too.
Undeterred I promised myself I would make it to the wall. It may take some extra time and sidestepping along with the circle, but I promised myself I would get to the Kotel.
As I sidestepped, on my way to the Kotel, I realized I was part of another circle. I couldn't not be. I could not make my way around without being part of it. They sing and dance on Friday nights, but there are pockets of openness on Shabbat, fulfilling the words, "In the times of the Temple, nobody complained about space in Jerusalem" (misquoted from Pirkei Avot, but still a quote). But the Temple has been destroyed, and there was no room at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, and I am complaining. Here, tonight, on Yom Yerushalayim, there was nowhere to go.
I joined the circle. I had to. And before I could yell or ask my people to crowd surf me to The Wall, I found myself singing. Singing the meaningful words I had sung so many times before. The words that touched my heart for so many years as a Baal Teshuva. "Kol HaOlam Koolo." No idea what it means. So I sung.
In unison, as our circles became one, our huge circle was singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo Gesher Tzat Meod." It turns out the words mean, "The whole world is a narrow bridge." So beautiful. So fitting, as I was stuck in a circle with no way out. Not even a narrow opening.

I've got to get some sleep. I finally got home. I haven't slept since Yom Yerushalayim started. I think they're still dancing.
I haven't even got to the Kotel yet. I still haven't Davened. I did. But I have to get sleep. I'll tell you more about me dancing with guys and the narrow bridges tomorrow.

Lessons of What Has Followed
"Kol HaOLam Koolo Gesher Tzar Meod." I think you understand those words now.
From "Jerusalem of Gold" to the "Whole World is a Very Narrow Bridge," that is the progression of our people. Think about that statement, meditate on it. I'm sure something meaningful pop up.

I've now adopted this new form of Davening, where I dance and serve Gd by not looking in the Siddur. I am now in much better shape. This new form of Davening has helped my cardiovascular health.
It turns out that Davening takes an extra half hour to four hours with dancing.

They were picking pumpkins, but ended up catching lagenaria. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lagenaria is a gourd too, but it sounds like a disease. They caught it. The gourd must’ve fallen. Just threw you another pun there. You saw "caught"? Fallen, and caught a disease? Though, lagenaria is not a disease. Education of produce is also important to us here at The Kibbitzer.
 
If you forget Tu BShvat, there’s always Three BShvat. (Mordechai)
You get it? He misunderstood. Tu Bshvat is the 15th of Shevat, which is the New Year of the Trees. Not the 2nd. He thought it meant "two." So he said "Three BShvat." It should be Taz BShvat. Not “three.” "There is always Taz BShvat." That should be the pun.

They put out a movie about an ox that ran over a guy. It was a gory movie. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Oxen gore. Movies can be gore. The Parsha talks of an ox that gores. A horror film about a goring ox is our idea. A Halachikly sound horror film that educates.

In the desert, after they prayed, the Jews hung out at the Tavernacle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Mishkan was the Tabernacle. We took out the “b” and put in a “v.” Tavern. That word is there, in "Tavernacle." Other people went to the MidBar. You get it? Midbar is desert in Hebrew. Bar. "Bar" is part of the word. (Mordechai said he goes to the MidBar- each pun artist drinks at their own place)
 
What’s a cat’s favorite holiday? Purr-im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Cats purr. The beginning of Purim is “Pur.” We added an extra “r” to make the pun work. We don’t know what to do with the “im” part. But the pur is there. Puns are meant to be meaningful, even if you don't finish them.

What do you call Purim pastry somebody sat on? Hamentushin. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s Hamentashin. But the guy sat on it, so it’s “tushin.” Tush jokes are great.
 
I want to open a petting zoo for miniature llamas. Lama Lo. (Mordechai)
You get it? Llamas. Lama means "why" in Hebrew. Lama Lo means "why not." Brilliance. And llamas are funny. They are truly funny. Why? I don't know. Llama? They just are. If you want to understand our puns, you should learn Hebrew. A little Musar for those of you who love puns.

For centuries, shuls have been trying to make their Purim Shpiels funny, to no avail. Performed at the Purim meal, best in live theater form, many may be inebriated, and yet to no avail. Throughout the ages there have been many failed shpiels. Especially the one back in Troyes, France in 1098, where they made fun of Rashi and how he comments on everything.
The issue has always been that they're not offensive enough.
I'm here to help you with some Shpiel ideas to tailor fit to your community. This is the one time of year to pull out your best Don Rickles and share some good laughs that will offend people. If you’re worried about Lashon hara, be general, everybody will still know who you’re talking about. The guy that takes all the meat from the choolante, the one who hocks up a cough at Musaf, the one who thinks they should be the one leading Davening. It's Pinny and Shmuel Baruch Felsenblum. We all know they should not be up there singing. When you do the sketch of the Jews who show up for Kiddish, showing them leaving home at 12pm for the 8:30am service, to be on time, they will know it’s the Kimplowitz family. Great scene, which should be in every Purim Shpiel.
Always start with something you know will work and draw the laughs, and that is making fun of the rabbi. Don't do the acting out of Megilat Esther. Nobody gets Achashveirosh's voice right. Never seen a convincing Xerxes.
Here are some ideas to help you get started on your shtick:

The Rabbi
Anything you do about the rabbi will get a huge laugh. Just pretend you’re giving a sermon in the rabbi's voice and everybody will love it. As you sermonize, use highfalutin English words like “firmament,” so that nobody understands. And then utter some nonsense and say "blah blah wha wha wha..." As long as your disdain for the rabbi is apparent, everybody will love it.
The rabbi has been there for every family event of yours, every lifecycle event. He’s laughed with you. He’s cried with you. He cares about you. Make fun of him.
 
The Baby Carriages
This year, the amount of baby carriages has surpassed the amount of people in the shul. How this has happened, I have no idea. It’s clear that people who have baby carriages think they can put them anywhere.
The Shpiel: Just have somebody trying to walk into the shul. They can’t. It’s impossible. The parents decided to leave the carriages at the entrance of the shul. No need to bring the props. They are in the shul already. Some of the people that came to the Purim Seudah meal still can’t get through the doors.
For this scene, bring everybody to the entrance of the shul and try to walk through the doors. No need for acting. Your frustration will naturally take over, as you trip, fall and throw baby carriages at the coatroom. Slapstick at its best is always performed angry.
 
Kids Running in The Hall
This is your chance to mock the new kind of parenting, where they let the kids raise themselves and interrupt the services. Dad claims, “It’s her decision. She’s already three.”
The Shpiel: In the middle of shul, the dad says to his child, “Are you sure you want to interrupt the services?” The child yells, “Yes.” And guess what, the services are interrupted. The dad insists there’s nothing he can do, as he gives the young one a lollipop and the right to make their own choices. And this is why she got Bat Mitzvahed at the age of four.
This leads to the Shpiel of the kids running shul. Take any scene from Lord of the Flies and add parents who do nothing, you have your Shpiel. Parents are stranded with the kids. The parents just sit there and let them kill each other. And you have your modern parents of your congregation.
 
The Yom Kippur Appeal
Everybody flipped the cards, but the shul did not see the money. How? Let's talk about all the people who haven’t paid their dues.
The Shpiel: We see everybody flipping the money on the cards, claiming they will donate that to the shul. Show the least wealthy people flipping over the $18,000 donation. We see their friend reminding them that they haven’t paid their dues yet. Time for the perfect Jewish joke: He responds, “So, nu? If I don’t give this donation, is it a bad ting?”
You then pull out the list of people who still haven’t paid their dues. This will get everybody moving. Comedy is always easiest when familiar; when people are able to say “that’s so true.” Everybody will be on the floor when they are able to say, “That's so true. The Yitzhakys and the Minkovitzs never pay their dues.”
 
The Kiddush Table
Fran is standing right in front of the choolante. She won’t move. Just show her standing there and other people trying to get through. Comedy gold. The more oblivious she is, the better the scene.
Remember, every scene should have frustrated people getting angry. Humor at its best.
A great addition to the scene is to have a huge guy come and throw Fran away from the table, knocking her down, and then piledriving her. Security should then come and join in the beating of Fran, who is eighty-five years old. At that point, he calmly goes for his choolante.
 
Impersonate Anybody
It will get a laugh.
The impersonation technique in shuls has always been best used when saying the name of the person. It’s hard to know that you’re impersonating Bernie from the third row, who sits next to Frank and Max. Everybody in Memphis has the same accent. Doing a Southern accent won’t help. Neither will doing a Yiddish accent. The Southern Yiddish accent is ubiquitous. Say, “I’m Bernie, Max,” and everybody will be on the floor. Once you say it’s Bernie, everybody will be able to respond, “Yeah. That’s Bernie. He sits next to Max. So true. That’s so Bernie. Saying his name while impersonating him truly hits the funny bone. Great parody.” Then you can get back to making fun of the rabbi who officiated Bernie’s wedding, while helping you and your spouse work through your divorce.
For a real crowd pleaser, remember to impersonate the rabbi. Remember, any time you make fun of the rabbi, it will get a laugh. Do the rabbi saying “Oy” and the crowd is back on your side. If people are personally offended, if you make fun of the rabbi, they will love you once again. Anything about the rabbi and anything involving a Yiddish style accent are Jewish community comedy gold. Truth is you could do a whole Shpiel raising your hands in Jewish Why form, saying “Oy,” and the audience will be on the floor.
 
Purim is a chance for you to get out your anger. The best way to express anger is to make fun of people. Otherwise, it’s straight-out offensive. Remember, if you run your Shpiel right, nobody will want to talk to you for a good couple months.
And never do song form Shpiel. As expressed in introduction, people in your shul do not know how to sing.  The Grammen NayNayNay part is spiritual, but it kills the laughs when Mrs. Simchovitz goes off on her harmony, or whatever other song she's singing the high part of.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Announcements
The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets.
 
We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic.
 
Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat.
 
We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant...

(Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.”
Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do...
Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off.
Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board...

First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything.

Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer.
Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing...
Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel...

There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action...
I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak...

Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima...
Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance...

Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is.
How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it...
Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there...
Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul.

It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic...

I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week...

Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it...

And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians...
(Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...”

Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?!
And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?!

This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining.
May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. 
Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir."

Rivka's Rundown
Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. 
“You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing.

The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form.

It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel.

The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." 
It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen."

Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. 
Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion.

I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden.

The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat.
The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish.

All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli."

"Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.

You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees.

No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat
The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun.
The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy.

Eat Dried Fruit
Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning.
And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan.
To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday.

Sulfor Dioxide
Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that.
Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase.

Why Nuts
It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it.
Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch.

The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy
Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people.
Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over.

Tradition of Puns
Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs.
The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder.
Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder.
Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues.

I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people giving him a beautiful holiday fruit platter and kids enjoying themselves on Simchat Torah, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for stealing food from the shuk and bringing up the price on Chamutzim in Israel.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.

They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul.

He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds.
 
They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening.
 
I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing.

I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai)
You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar.

I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken.
 
The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai)
You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that.

Simchat Torah is coming up. Hence, we shall discuss Jewish dances. In years past we've talked about the different One Hand Torah Hold methods, the Huddle Jump, the Arm Raise, Chest Bounce techniques, the Arm Interlocked Twirl Arounds, the Rebbe Approach and dangers surrounding it, the Run Fast, the most popular of Jewish dances, the Walk Around, and the Stand and Clap.
This year we will focus on some hora styles of Jewish dance, so you can look cool and traditional at shul this Simchat Torah.

Hora Circles
The Hora is about style. And style is what Jewish dancing is about. You walk around that circle and you look good.
The Hora is an Israeli style dance where you move forward and then you go back to where you started. It is a great feeling when you think you are moving and then, you are skipping and jumping back to where you were. The Hora is not just a dance. The Hora is a message. A way of saying that progress is not our goal, like the tradition of a nation.  'We are moving, but we are not.’
Even if the circle is moving, every once in a while, you make sure to take that step, back to remind the kids about to tradition and to hurt the guy behind you's foot who was moving too fast.
 
The Back and Forth
The Hora can be a letdown in the modern Hora circle, as it sometimes moves forward a bit too fast. Many people like the idea of staying in one place when dancing, which makes for a more perfect Hora. These people don’t do the Hora’s two steps forward and one step back. Instead, they created the one step forward and one step back. Affectionately known as The Cradle Rock, this is for people who like to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and don’t like to move while they are dancing. The Jew of tradition, this is Israeli dancing at its best.
A variation of The Back and Forth is the ‘Sit Down.’ Similar to a protest, the ‘Sit Down’ is where you take a chair, sit down in the middle of the dance floor, and take a break. At a proper wedding, you may be lucky enough to get some people dancing in front of you, confusing you for the bride and groom. If you play the Sit Down version of the Hora correctly, you might get some gifts too.
 
Half Beat Side to Side Jump 
Huge in the ultra-Orthodox community, and done at all Tishes, this is where you interlock arms with the person next to you, hold each other close, and rock back and forth. A great show of Achdut, Jewish unity, you don't move together. It’s similar to the Israeli Hora, but more Frum.
 
Leg To Leg Bop
The modern Hora dance used for everything in Israel, more bopping is involved in this hora. Still dancing in circles, you may do this dance alone. Known as the COVID, the distance Hora jump dance making its way to America the past few years, I would like to credit Effie Allman for noting the brilliance and multifaceted abilities of this dance.
Dancing the Chatan and Kallah to the Chupah, dancing at protests, dancing at football matches, the meaning may change. Yet, the Leg to Leg Bop Hora remains in its tradition of expression.
Due to the dangers of uncoordinated wedding guests, many do Leg to Leg Bop dance alone. Still in a circle, as it is Jewish. Never take a dance out of the circle. Heretics do that. Apikorsim. Once the dance is in line form, it's not Jewish. The 'Yiddin' is not a Jewish dance. Nor is 'Cotton Eyed Joe.' I understand that last statement will cause much controversy. However, it must be said. It's not in a circle. It's a line dance. It has no connection to a Hora. 'Cotton Eyed Joe' is not a Jewish dance.
Again, like The Run Fast Dance, you must be in shape to bop.
 
Next time we will deal with what to do when there are many circles. Also focusing on which circle to join when you're out of shape and not ready for a Leg to Leg Bop. We will also discuss whether The Train is Jewish, and if you have to perform The Train in circle form for it to be Halachikly permissible.

This Simchat Torah, claim your spot and do the Hora. Remember, like any good traditional Israeli dance, the Key to the Hora is letting the people know, 'I'm moving but I'm not.'

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors.

The Paper Chain Sukkah Project
Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat.

Paper plate Hamentashen
A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together.
Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand.
Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips.
Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry.

Draw a Dreidel
This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers.

Jewish Papercut Art
A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami.
For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts.
Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami.

Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time.
When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut.

On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning.

Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach
Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it.
A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible.
 
Do Not Eat the Sprays
Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine.
Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry.
Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah.
 
Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz
You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles.
You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it.
Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue.
‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches.
 
Strong Sprays for Grease
Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it.
 
Other Uses for Shpritz
If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.

The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival.
 
The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth
This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet.
I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands.
 
Sock Throw
Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well.
This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer.
Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week.
 
Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe
Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle.
This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival.
 
Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H.

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again.

We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care.
You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served.

We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim.

We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. 

We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’
The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!...
They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here.
It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah.

With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie.
We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul.
‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith.

What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation.
Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here...

It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without.
How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!...

And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet.

We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope.
What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!...
I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees.

Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what???
The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation...
Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed...

And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting.
Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people.
Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted.
First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps....

What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing.
The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot...

Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children...

Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.'
Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant.
One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining.
If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over...

Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids...
No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen.

Rivka's Rundown
It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out.
What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant.

It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements.
If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis.
They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...'

So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque.

How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living.

Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet.
The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years.
It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused.
Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana

The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake.

I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud.

Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids.
Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah.

I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum.

All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim.

I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.

How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday?
Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious?
‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)?
Why is your dog by the tree right now?
Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth?
Are you serious?
No. Really. Are you serious?
Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke.
Why do plastic forks and knives always break?
Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well?
Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question?
Why is everybody looking at me right now?
Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees?
Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder?
Did I show up to the wrong Seder?
Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this?
Are we helping the environment?
Why is my stomach killing?
Do trees get stomach aches?
The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit?
Why do are we eating dried fruit?
Is the dried fruit new?
Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not?
Did they dry the apricots yesterday?
Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them.
Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew?
What are loquats?
Why were they not dry?
Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open.
Why am I calling it the shuk?
Is this not a Jewish holiday?
It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit?
Do oranges grow here?
Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow.
Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd?
Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week?
Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday?
No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday?
Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it?
Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul?
Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew?
Is it religiously fine to care about people?
Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense?
Is it OK if I excuse myself again?
Why is my stomach still killing?
Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic?

How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know.
 
I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices.

Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow.
 
They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate.
 
In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education.
 
When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun..
 
Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels.