We ask the men don’t dance. We ask them to leave room for the women who know how to dance. It has been ruled by our rabbi that walking in a circle is not dancing.
We understand it brings joy to children when they get hit by candy in the face. We ask you toss the candy this year.
 
For Simchat Torah we will only be honoring people with money. Why the Gabai let Pinchas open the ark on Yom Kippur is a question we are asking. Pinchas got fired last month. The Gabai is an idiot.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Don’t toss the candies on the floor. Our parents cannot afford new pants for their kids again this year.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Jewish Tradition of Dance and Walking in a Circle and Other Things Our Community Members Fails at Due to Arthritis. Why Whipping Candies at Children is Asur Even If the Kids Are Smiling. Why Jewish Kids Dive on the Floor for Zaza Taffy. Picking the Right Person for An Aliyah- The Art of Spotting a Decently Tailored Suit.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Simchat Torah at our shul sports the most messed up dancing. It's not dancing. It's singing and walking. Even the middle circle is men walking. It's like a breakdancing cypher. People are all excited. Others get in the middle, and then they walk.
I have to say, I'm happy they put up the Mechitzah. Watching the men in our shul dance is depressing. It's a downer. It reminds me what age can do to you, even if you pray. We are truly the most uncoordinated people. Watching our congregants dance is like watching thirty-year-old geriatrics. Every one of them is injured. Arthritis is an epidemic in our shul. It looks like a PT room. And the singing. They're groaning. I think they're walking with the Torah and saying, "I'm hurt."
Then there was a random younger guy who can still move a little. So, he ran. He felt it important to get a little exercise.
The random guy running by is not a dance either.

Then they whip the candies at kids. The anger. My son ran over to me so happy, "I got some Mike and Ikes," with a shiner. Clobbered by gummies.
What it takes to get some sweets in our congregation. It's crazy. Mr. Schwartzberg was walloping little children with Sunkist fruit gems. No tossing. Last year, one kid ended up in the ICU due to Simchat Torah happiness.
These people are idiots.
 
They’re giving Aliyahs to losers. This is why the shul is in debt. No money is coming to the shul because our Gabai feels that people who show up to Davening on time deserve to be honored. If you're not golfing Shabbis morning, you are not doing well financially. That is my understanding.
You have to give Aliyahs and honrs to people with money. You give it to my husband, I’m leaving the shul. That’s a shul that’s going to go broke. Ask me, I'll tell you. He is not successful. I tell him every day. And it keeps our marriage together.
Why they even gave my husband the appeal card on Yom Kippur, it makes no sense. Does the shul need eighteen dollars??? The whole "each person counts" is a shame. They just figure that one of these guys has to have a decent year. You're living in Topeka. What's going to take off? Tourism?! Idiots.
Pinchas’ suit is not tailored at all. Giving him an honor, anything other than Galilah, should be an obvious "no." And the Gabai is not even on a committee.
We need a committee on this. We have a committee for security and candy distribution. We need an Aliyah committee. This way, at least we'll know why the dumb decisions are being made. Whenever we need people to do something dumb, we put them on a committee. This way we ensure the idiots will decide on something that makes no sense.
Does our Gabai not talk to people?! How does he not know Pinchas was fired?! At least check bank statements before giving Aliyahs. And it's clear Pinchas doesn't have savings. There is no charitable bequest coming to our shul from Pinchas. 
 
Oh. So. After the candy attack of children debacle, they started throwing the candies on the floor. So now you have kids jumping on the floor, crawling on the floor, and whacking each other to get to the candy. 
Why we needed a committee to decide that injuring children with candies is wrong, do not ask. Mr. Schwartzberg literally thought it was one of the ancient forms of death. And he doesn't like the kids. Turns out they've been going to the grownup desert table at Kiddish before him.
Thank Gd none of the kids have tailored suits. One family gets their kids designer clothes. Those kids aren't allowed to eat candy. Nothing to do with health. It's the expense of having to get new clothes once they see Mike and Ikes on the floor.
The craziness of the kids. The violence to get sweets. The extent they're willing to go for a sour stick. The scratching, bashing, the violence. These kids are stronger than they appear, when there's a chance to get a Zaza. I saw a fizzer, started going for it, I was tackled. I was trounced by a kid in nursery school. Kid was in a stroller. Saw the Zaza. Flew out of the thing and took me down.
Lesson learned. Don't buy decent clothes for your kids. Candies ruin good dresses and suits. 

People wanted to find new ways to glorify Gd. Which meant more Sukkah decorations. We had gourds, bees, fly paper, Christmas lights. “Something is missing,” to quote Sarah Schneirer, a great woman who was never happy with how her Kugel came out. Sarah Schneirer happened to have abbreviated her name, to dispel any myths about her being related to the Lubavitcher rebbes. This here is the first record of that piece of history. Couldn’t find anything anywhere suggesting it. Which is why I wrote it.
Thus, Jewish day schools were created. A whole movement, Bais Yaakov, was founded in 1917, in order to create Sukkah decorations. Namely a school system created to make paper chains.
Not enough decorations were being created by the children, and sweatshops were frowned upon. Hence, the foundation of Sunday Schools. You get the Jewish kids to come every Sunday for three hours to work on Sukkot decorations.

Years later, in 1976, the tradition of children's art projects. Paper chains were forgotten. Drawings and paper mâché now became rampant in the Sukkahs.
​To quote Rebbe Abba, "Art class was the worst thing to ever happen in Jewish day school. Now I have to decorate the Sukkah with this piece of..." That was the only time Rebbe Abba ever cursed. It was ruled that cursing was allowed when you have to look at your child's pathetic artistic skills for a whole holiday. Having to pretend that paying twenty thousand dollars for this Drek you have to look at in Sukkah is making you happy.

And this is why my eight-year-old nephew's pathetic picture of a pomegranate on a paper plate is hanging right now.

Pictures of rabbis then became big. To quote Rebbe Abba, "If this Drek that this kid did is fine, a picture of my rabbi is going up in this thing."
The Ushpizin pictures were hard to come by. The people swore they would've hung Yosef, David, Moshe. Some wanted to hang Yitzchak. And these weren’t anti-Semites. They just thought hanging the Ushpizin would look good in the Sukkah. Then my brother-in-law said, "Reb Moshe Feinstein looks a lot like Yosef HaTzadik." And everybody was happy. And they sung "vSmachta bChagecha" again. 

Pictures of rabbis and pictures of Israel were allowed. As long as they were pictures of the Beit Hamikdash. That was a ruling that lasted around half a decade. It was decided after that to let people hang whatever they want, as long as it looked Jewish. Which meant, everybody in the pictures had to have on a Yarmulke. Many of the original pictures had men and women wearing Yarmulkes. Which is how the reform movement began.

Some random guy shouted, “We have Sheva Minim.” To which one of the ladies shouted back, “I hate you.” To which the ruling was, "If it's not a picture of a rebbe or the Temple, it has to be one of the seven species of Israel."
Rabbi Kolnus then shouted, “But there are no gourds in the Sheva Minim.” He was excommunicated for thinking a pomegranate is not a gourd. One of his contemporaries then shouted. “What? Are you a botanist now?” That rabbi was then excommunicated for knowing the word “botanist.”
It was at that point, the head rabbi of the Jewish Day School system instituted the ruling that all Sukkot art has to be a pomegranate. 

And that is when parents started hanging their children's art in the Sukkah. They figured, it's better than throwing it out. "We will leave it in the Sukkah, and when it rains, it will get ruined. Then we can throw it out, and blame it on the rain." This all happened around 1989, when Milli Vanilli was exposed for being rabbinic frauds.

And then paper chains came back. To quote Rebbe Abba, "These look glorious." Jewish origami art of paper chains followed as the most popular decoration since. Overtaking gourds, Christmas lights and flies. Jewish origami, paper art form where we use staples. And Rebbe Abba went on, "We need more staples for our children in Jewish day schools… You've seen they're pomegranates. Have you ever seen them try to draw wheat?! It's horrendous. They are not artistically inclined. They need the staples."

Nowadays, you will find all of these decorations used, depending on one's ancestry, and how many children are still in Jewish day school.
 
The Alter Rebbe of Chabad ruled it's best to stay away from decorations. He didn't value the art of my third-grade nephews and nieces. To quote, “There is no way Gd would’ve commanded this.”

Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? It was Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shavua is a week. We’re celebrating Shavuot. Shavuot is two weeks. Shavuot really comes seven weeks after Pesach. Even though it's one or two days, it's still called Shavuot. Not Yomeet. Yom means day. Education. That's why we do these puns for the youth. It should be called Yomeeot.

The IRGC won’t negotiate. Though, they insist, they have 60% Iranian. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s uranium. They’re saying they have 60% Iranians. They’re Middle Eastern. It sounds the same to them. It’s their English. It's not very good. That's why the negotiations are going nowhere.
 
Jews in Denmark wait till Shkiyah (sunset) to eat their dessert, because it’s DayNisht. (Mordechai)
You get it? Danish. DayNisht. That's Yiddish for "not day." Danish, the pastry. Jews in Denmark speak Yiddish while eating Danish. A little known fact about the pastry that not many know. 

The doctor brought up the war in Iran. I didn’t know what to say, as I don’t follow the news. So, she gave me topical medication. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Topical. News. On top of the skin. The doctor prescribed political medication. Meds to help me with the news... Maybe the doctor was suggesting regular meds. I don’t know. Either way, it was topical. For the guy who had the rash, that’s what they were talking about that day.

Keebud Av vEim requires a child gets their parents snacks. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Keebud means refreshments. It also means to honor. Honor your parents. You honor your parents by going to the dessert table for them. Getting them cookies. Education. We here at the Kibbitzer are about teaching Mitzvot and how to approach a buffet.

The 17th of Tammuz went from dawn till night. Boy that was fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s a fast day. A quick fast day. It’s not like Tisha BAv that we start the night before. It's a fast fast. Tisha BAv is a slow day.

I got a great deal on Tzitzit. I was amazed. The salesperson said, “That’s the price. No strings attached.” (Mordechai)
You get it? Tzizit. Fringes. Strings. Tzizit need them attached.

​***Note: You've learned that Shavuot should be called a day and that Danish Jews eat Danish. And then we kept you up to date on politics. Explaining you can learn more about Iran with topical medication. It's all about education for us. For the children. And that’s why we focus on Mitzvot like Tzitzit with no strings attached.

As Jews, how do we actually practice our faith over the summer?
We sweat, we complain about how much we sweat, we hold off on installing an air conditioner in shul because in 1958, the great-grandfather of the kid who works at Best Buy said something about how his mother’s schnitzel was better than the great-great-grandmother of the current board president’s schnitzel. We then get old, move to Florida, where we sweat all year long, complain about how cold it is inside, and then we die. There is nothing religiously positive about the summer months.
The impact of not installing an air conditioner has created a butterfly effect on the Jewish experience. It’s too hot in the synagogue, so service attendance is down. We ship our kids off to Jewish overnight camp, so they can experience a lack of air conditioning in exotic and remote places like the Poconos. The only holidays we have consist of broken walls and cannibalism. It’s the only time of year when conversion is tempting. If I were to become a Whirling Dervish, at least all that spinning would keep the July heat at bay.
 
This isn’t a challenge only facing Judaism. Christianity has nothing over the summer heat as well. However, they came up with the brilliant strategy to start celebrating Christmas in July. When you have one holiday that lasts months, the need for new content is significantly lower. You can dream of a White Christmas at the beach if you click on the right Spotify channel. You have hope of gifts. You don’t feel the need to convert.
The Torah confirms it! The summer is when we read Devarim, and it reads like a latter-season episode of Friends. Nothing new happening. Just clips of flashbacks of Joey being confused about something. It’s Moses saying, “Remember when we walked through the desert? That was cool.” And “Don’t forget about that time that you complained about making bricks out of mud and straw, that sucked.” These are the episodes you can skip when binge-watching and know you didn’t miss anything. Devarim is Moses saying, “Take the summer off, you’ll be fine come September. I won’t be here, but here are the Cliff’s Notes if you need a refresher.”
 
So, what can we do to inject some Jewish excitement, Jewish pride into these dormant summer months? The easy answer would be to buy a central air system for the sanctuary, but if we wait for board approval, it may take another 2000 years.
It’s time to do something to revolutionize our religion. Something to keep our Jewish people wanting to be Jewish, when nobody is willing to pay for air conditioning. Traditions that bring us some Nachis.
 
Here is what I propose:
 
New Prayer for Those Driving to the Shore - Tefilat Haderech for the NJ Turnpike.
May it be Your will, Lord our Gd and Gd of our fathers, that You should lead us in peace and direct our cruise control in peace, and guide us in peace, and support us in peace, and cause us to reach the shore without having an aortic event because the Toyota in front of us has maintained a speed of ten miles below the speed limit, despite being in the left lane. Save us from every EZ-Pass malfunction and flat tire along the way, and from all kinds of road rage, and whatever that smell is when you enter the state of New Jersey. May You send blessing upon our gas tanks and grant me grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us floor it to change lanes at the last minute to make the exit ramp, because we lost track of where we were while zoning out the complaints of our teenage children. And may You hear the sound of our supplication, for You are Gd who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are You, Lord, who hears prayer. And may our AC work. Amen.
 
New Summer Holiday
Now, we already have a holiday dedicated to the Sun called Birkat Hachamah, but that only happens every 28 years. I don’t know about you, but I see the sun practically every day, so maybe we should have Hachamah Hakatan that happens every month of Tamuz. You ask how we celebrate such a holiday.
Between Lag B’Omer and Hachamah Katan, it is forbidden for men to shave their backs. There is no better way for a family to get ready for the pool or the beach than shearing off Dad’s back fur.
We celebrate this holiday starting at night, so nobody has to see Dad in the pool. That will turn people off from Judaism.
Rather than dipping into a pool, on Hachamah Hakatan, you soak in a reservoir of naturally running water. Makes it more Jewish.
The Halacha has been amended by many mothers who decreed that all traditions of Hachama Hakatan must be practiced around a vat of SPF 50 suntan lotion. 
 
New Food
Latkas, matzoh brie, hamantaschen, none of these scream summer fun in the Poconos. We need foods that capture the season and the seasoning of Judaism.
Thus, Hachama Hakatan will have its own summer holiday menu. As the saying goes: They tried to kill us, we won, let's go to camp in the Poconos.
Foods are: Sour pickled hot dogs. Frozen borscht popsicles. A tall glass of Etrogade. And brisket.
 
It is already 5786, but we are still treating the Summer the same way we did back in 0086. Judaism is a vibrant, living religion. We need to treat it as such, even when it’s 102 degrees outside and 153 under the beating light of the Ner Tamid. So please join me in making this summer one Jews cand take pride in. Something to keep our young Jews in the fold.

My Talmedim want to know what they must do for Father's Day. What are they Chayav.
Chagim, holidays, are about happiness. How does one allow their father to enjoy the Chag. That is the Shayla. After much research into the Shaylas and Teshuvas of our sages, I've learned that the best way one can show appreciation of their Tatty, their father, is to not be there.
Stay away from your dad. That's what you're required. He wants to forget about you. That brings him happiness.
One day to not have to deal with you. That’s the Mitzvah of Father's Day. To let your dad forget he is your dad. Let him have a Sunday. One Sunday without you. One day of his life to have a chance to dream of how good life could've been. And that's how you practice the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. You honor your parents by staying away from them. That brings them Nachis.
You could help around the house and cook, but there is no greater way to show your appreciation for your dad on Father's Day then to not be there. That will bring your father happiness. If you were able to help around the house by not being there, that would be the best way to fulfil the Mitzvah.
Here are ways to fulfill the Mitzvah of not being there.

Leave the house. Move out. That's a great way to help your dad celebrate. Move out and pay your own bills.
You don't even have to tell him. Just leave. A few months down the road, he might realize why he's so happy and relaxed, and why his heart condition has gotten better. Then he might think about you for a minute, get an anxiety attack, confirm you're not around, and then his heart rate will be back to normal.
When you do a Mitzvah, more Mitzvahs fall on your plate. Another Mitzvah, you fulfilled is Pikuach Nefesh. Saving a life. You saved your Tatty's life by him not having to see you.

Leave for the morning. At least give your Abba that. A morning where he can drink coffee and not question the bad decisions he made, and the dreams that have been killed by you.
Dad still loves you. He just doesn't want to have to see you when he wakes up. He wants a few minutes of joy, before the thought of you creeps into his mind.

You can go to the park. Just don't ask your Tatty to join you. Find a way to play catch with yourself. Bond with your dad by letting him relax without you. I heard one of my congregants express his greatest father son bonding time, "I was at the football game with my son. My son sat in a different section. I didn't see him till after the game. It was the only time I ever enjoyed being with that kid."

As long as you’re out of the house, it’s a Simcha. And mom and dad love you. 
Get out of the house. They invested half a million in your education to not have to see you. And now you're still there. Each moment you're there while dad is trying to enjoy a Netflix is an Aveirah.
Half a million. The least you can do is show your appreciation by hiding. It's Father's Day. Give him that.

Go on a Father's Day Cruise for your dad. He will be happy not seeing you. You take the cruise. Leave him at home without you. That will make him happy.
Will dad get mad you didn't get him the cruise tickets? No. As long as he doesn't have to see you. Let him know, "Dad. I got some tickets to the Bahamas for you. You won't have to see me for two weeks." A beautiful Father's Day gift.
If you're on a cruise and he can't reach you for a few days, all the better. He might think about you for a minute, hope you're OK. But he'll forget. Don't worry.

Barbecue. If you make the barbecue that's an extra Mitzvah. If you put up a nice juicy steak, Tatty will be happy. You set up the grill. You put up the steak. Put it out and let dad eat without you.
If it is a really good steak, your dad might want to see you, to ask you to get some chimichurri. But don't take any chances with ruining his Chag. If you're grilling him a hot dog, he will not want to see you. 
And make sure you pay for the barbecue. Using dad's money on his day is a holiday happiness killer. Your Tatty has now spent a half a million dollars and a ribeye on you. Again, you're the cause of his failing heart. Some rabbis have said that using dad's money causes as much stress as seeing you. 

Call your dad on Father's Day. Calling is allowed. Even suggested. Calling makes your parents happy, as it's proof you're not there. They love saying, "She's calling from Israel... My kids are so far away. Every time I get a call, it brings me such joy. A reminder they're somewhere else."
Distance makes a heart grow fonder. Imagine what never seeing you does for your relationship with your parents.
When your parent speaks of the Nachis you bring them, they're talking about the fact you're not around. "My kid is in college. They're spending a year in Israel. They're at sleepaway camp." No parent has ever said, "I'm Schepping so much Nachis. My kid wakes me up every morning." No Tatty has ever said, "We get to see our children every day. Such Nachis."

You can fulfill this Mitzvah at any age. Dad won't mind if you move out in the eighth grade. You're Bar Mitzvahed. You're a man. You can live on your own. There’s a reason we turn kids into men at thirteen. Exactly. To get them out of the house.
Notice for Children: If you're reading this and you haven't finished high school, you don't get sarcasm yet. Your parents love you. Stay at home, even if your parents have to see you. If you're a child, it's the law.

As the head of the household, I understand it’s hard to tell your kids you can’t stand them. I hope you dads appreciate what I'm doing for you. Happy Father's Day.
Tizku LMitzvot

***The Kibbitzer received a notice from some concerned parents. To quote, "Now our children think we don't love them and want them out of the house." In response, Rabbi David said he doesn't care.
Rabbi David did say that there are parents who do want to see their children when they're sick. To quote Rabbi David, "Your Abba wants to see you when he's very ill. When he's extremely sick and might die. He also wants to see you when you're mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. You can also stay around the house on Father's Day, Midirabbanan, if you're vacuuming or trimming the hedges. This way your Tatty will feel like he's getting a little return on his investment of five-hundred-thousand dollars. Though it's not enjoyable as seeing you not at the house, it does bring a little Hanna'ah." 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about safety signs at work and big jars of gefilte fish, all while using a Mezuzah as an excuse for him eating cookies and putting on weight, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself holding the chocolate Hamentashen he gave out on Purim, which were well past expiration date.

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off. 

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

I don't know Cliff, but I do have his notes. Nonetheless, I don't like calling them Cliff's notes, as Megillat Esther is a Jewish thing. I also refuse to call them Cole's, as I have never met a Jew named Cole. We shall thus call these Kfir's Notes.
Let us begin Megillat Esther.

​Chapter 1
Achashverosh, the king, has a big party. Which means a lot of drunk people. That’s how you show your wealth. You spend it and ensure people have a hangover and puke.
It wasn't an ice cream party. You want to be popular, you throw a kegger. Not a custarder.

All happened in Persia. But we know that's Iran. You can't fool us. We know the Persians are the ones causing all the problems.
Jews say they’re Persian, Persian Jews, but we know. 
 
One-hundred-eighty-seven days of drinking. And not one of them showed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. People didn't get addicted back then. They just kept on drinking. Hence, no issues.
It wasn't one-hundred-eighty-seven days of vanilla strawberry swirl soft serve. Though, I would've loved that. 
Nowadays, you can't even get away with one day of coming home drunk without your wife going off on you. You need a king's edict just to have a shot.

These guys were in the palace, partying. Loving it. Until a woman talked. Women can truly kill a good half year of binge drinking.
At the end of the party, Achashverosh invites his wife to show her beauty. Somehow, she didn't like the sound of walking into a room of a bunch of drunk men, for them to check her out. I'm guessing, if he would've said he wanted to have a romantic candlelit dinner, she would've come. All dinners were candlelit back then. If a guy ever asks you to a candlelit dinner in the 500 BCEs, be suspicious. 
People were like, "Wait. Why are there no women?... Achshi. You're a cool guy and all. But a hundred-eighty-six days of Bros, that's a little much." They called him Achshi. After drinking with the king for half a year, you're buddies. Buddies shorten their buddies’ name. 

Vashti refuses come. Like the annoying wife, she tells him to sober up first. "I don't want to see you drunk."
This was the first time a woman expressed her opinion in Persia. It was scary. The wise men were in shock. "Hold on. These things talk. That's not good. Did she just make a decision. Every book I've ever read says these things listen to men and cook what man wants. But they don't talk... Opinions?! Next thing you know, every man in Persia will be stuck eating chicken curry and gazpacho."
So they get rid of Vashti, because women shouldn't talk.

The drunk men were not happy that Vashti did not allow them to hoot at her. Much argument takes place as to why women should not make decisions. But nobody has any good answers, as they couldn't ask women what they thought. One fool said, "We should ask a woman. Women have good ideas." They hung him.

The wise men decide it’s not good for women to make decisions. "We must stop them. Otherwise, we will have to come back home Saturday nights to be with the family." 
Vashti is gone. She is royalty no more, and an edict is sent out that men shall rule over their homes. And the homes of Persia become very messy. Schmutz everywhere.

And this is why we have the Ayatollah.
 
Chapter 2
Achashverosh realizes that getting rid of his wife was a bad decision. Not having a wife feels bad when you're sober and you don't have a decent series to watch. 
Being a king is not easy. You can't always depend on the harem and the concubines. You only have two-thousand in the harem. What do you with all the extra free time when you're not with the concubines.
This is where the saying "you only have one-thousand concubines" comes from. Later, people perverted Achashverosh's words to be, "You only have one wife."
 
​Achashverosh wakes up by himself and realizes he needs another one of these things. "I like these Vashti things. How do I get another one of these Vashti things?" The popular word for women in those days was "things." And it wasn't considered male chauvinism. Because women weren't allowed to talk, it was considered men's rights. According to men, you had men and things.

The men decided the best way to do get another one of these things was to bring a bunch of women into the house and wait another six months to see them. To which Achashverosh responded, "This feels like a Jewish engagement."

Mordechai tells Esther, his cousin who he raised, to go try out for the role of queen. A theater dad. See it all the time in the Jewish community. "Perform for the king. It's a good gig. Marrying the king is good money. It sets you up for life. A good pension."
Mordechai needed the money. We know this. In chapter four, he’s walking around in sackcloth.

Esther joins the harem for six months of perfume. In those days, they didn't have deodorant. It took a long time to get rid of the stench of the ghormeh sabzi.
Esther is liked by the people and the king likes her the most. He decides she’s instead of Vashti. And now she can talk to the king when summoned. She better talk to the king when summoned. You don't want to make a Vashti. Vashti was the slur used for a good hundred years for women who didn't summon upon being summoned.
No other woman is allowed to talk for fear of death. Which, to be honest, makes it easier to get in a word.
 
Mordechai heard these two guys, Bigtan and Teresh, planning to kill the king. They were still into this "No Women" protest thing. When they saw the Achashverosh was willing to talk to a woman, they started the "No Kings" protest. They truthfully just enjoyed protesting, and made good money off it. They had a few months where they had nothing to protest. They started a "Concubines Matter" rally. They even rallied for "Free Lydia," where they were shouting, "Kill all the Jews," because it's fun to say that. 
Through Esther, Mordechai tells Achashverosh that Bigtan and Teresh want to kill him, so they hang Bigtan and Teresh. End of that story. I don't believe Achashverosh took this to court.
And they put it in the chronicles. This way everybody can forget about. “’And we killed them.’ Anything else happen today… ‘And the king enjoyed the teriyaki sauce.’”
No last names. In the history of mankind there has never been another Bigtan and Teresh. People don't know this, but Bigtan was very small. His friends were going to nickname him LargeMass. But his buddies went with Bigtan, as it sounded less offensive. Teresh's nickname was "Teresh."

Conclusion
There were a lot of buddies in the days of Achashverosh.
And now you can't get drunk on Purim, or your wife will get mad at you. There's a reason for edicts.
And all because Vashti talked, women are set back to having to use perfume again. And there are another twenty-four-hundred years till women's rights, Bloomingdale's and community gardens are created.

I believe this is longer than the Megillah itself. We're only in chapter two, and we haven't even discussed soft serve ice cream. It might be more useful to skip Kfir's Notes and read the Megillah on Purim.

These questions were asked at my Seder last night from first time Tu BShvat Seder attendees who were confused it wasn't a Pesach. 
We had a lot of questions at our Tu BShvat Seder. People heard Seder and they thought they’re supposed to interrupt. Here are some of the questions they asked at our Tu BShvat Seder when I was trying to move past the dried apricots portion. We had already connected to Gd through Mishmish.

What happened to only having one Seder?
Why did the Jews leaving Egypt only have one Seder, until the Kabbalists came along?
Isn’t the Pesach Seder long enough?
Did Gd split a date tree too?
We live in Rochester. Is there another Seder tomorrow night too?
Why do we only tell the date joke this night?
Why do people repeat the date joke about getting dates more than once on this night, when on all other nights date puns are annoying?
Why are dates hurting my stomach?
Why are we using plastic dishes and plastic cups for our Seder?
How does plastic dishes on a plastic tablecloth celebrate trees?
Is there anything that is not plastic here to celebrate the earth?
Where does plastic grow?
Why are children not asking questions?
Why have four questions just come from a twenty-eight-year-old? Does she not know where plastic grows?
Where are the kids?
Why didn’t anybody tell me that Seders are not just for Pesach? I was wondering why we’re celebrating so early.
Should I get my Haggadah? If I would've known, I would've brought my Haggadah.
Why do you think I spent twelve hours cleaning for Tu BShvat?
Why did I make my house Kosher for Tu BShvat and throw out all my meat and dairy products if I didn’t have to?
Why didn’t you tell me there was no commandment to burn all non-vegetarian food?
If it’s a Jewish holiday, shouldn’t we at least have Tam Tams?
Were we slaves to dried fruit?
Did the Jews in Egypt also get stomach cramps from dried apricots?
Thank you for leaving the four cups of wine in. Is wine what makes it a Seder?
​Why is it on this night that we have a Seder with no brisket?
And where are the Tam Tams? I miss those things on Pesach. 
Why do Tam Tams look like Matzah, but they're not Matzah?
Why is wine the only part of the Seder that is similar to the Passover Seder?
Was this Seder an excuse to drink?
Is that why the Arizal came up with this Seder?
Why did he not just drink and call it a Farbregen? That sounds like a religious thing.
Then why are we drinking four cups of wine? 
If this is Pesach, we're eating too many legumes?
Is this Pesach? I'm still confused.
We didn't do the apricot portion of the Seder last Pesach. Did we still fulfill the telling of the story of leaving Egypt?
Why on this night is the salt not in water?
Why on this night are all nuts not salted?
What happened to salted almonds and cashews?
Why do I like salted nuts?
Why did you not serve those?
Why do almonds not taste that great without salt?
What is a Mishmish?
I'm very confused already. Why do I have to learn Hebrew names of vegetation now?
Why did nobody answer any of my questions get answered?

That last question didn't get answered either. They also didn't explain that this isn't a Pesach Seder, and we don't encourage questions when we're focused on eating dried figs.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
​
A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.

Do not go to the mall for your Chanukah experience. ​I was walking through the mall, got home, and I found myself humming songs about mistletoe. And that was in August. That seems to be when they start celebrating Christmas. 
I was shopping for Chanukah. Not fun when you have to buy stuff for family. And I realized I can't enjoy shopping for Chanukah in the malls of Upstate New York. There is nothing Jewish, other than Christmas songs written by Jews. 
You can't have a Jewish experience shopping. They have taken over every store. Even the CVS logo now is red and white.

It's all Christian. They decorate the mall with every Christmas reef and pine tree, and red pair of socks they can find. Then you see a Chanukah night light they found at the Dollar Tree. Stores are decked out in red and white, and a tiny Chanukiah in the corner. A little electric Chanukiah, just in case the lights on the Christmas tree go out. Got their huge tree and a Chanukiah ornament for the Jews, to let the Jews know they can shop at JCPenney. 
Christians deck. They deck out the whole area. Decking halls. Jews, we place. We have been relegated to the placement of an electric Chanukah Menorah.

Don't take the kids to the mall for the holiday experience. It turns out Santa is not Jewish. That was a shocker the first time I found that out. It's called Ma'arat Ayin. He’s got the beard, but then he's got the red hat. That should've been a dead giveaway right there. It might have been because I was used to the Chabad rabbi with the Tefillin in that spot at the mall.
The mall will try to do a lot of stuff to make the holidays good for all. And that means that Santa will also let Jewish kids sit on his lap. How Santa gets away with that?! Our rabbi once shook a kid's hand and got fired.
I for one don’t consider it a Chanukah experience to have our children lighting a Chanukiah night light with Santa and his elves, on Santa's recliner. And then he gives the Jewish kids gifts too. On his recliner?! He’s creepier than the candy man at our shul. It’s called proselytizing.
They even claimed candy canes. You can't even even eat candy now without being a heretic. Nothing for your Jewish kid to enjoy. Nothing blue. All red. The mall is all Christian stuff and a blue snow cone. If you're lucky. And they probably don't sell those during the Christmas season. Which starts in July.

They can't even give us Chanukah. We can't get eight days. Just eight days. Still hearing the Christmas songs on the radio. The mall is blasting Christmas songs. And the Jews now write these songs now. Might as well write the songs. "If you can't beat them, make money off them." That's what I say.
They start playing the Christmas songs half a year in advance. Thanks to Mariah Carey they now have enough songs. "Twelve Days of Christmas." Their song should be "Twelve Months of Christmas with Mariah Carey."
It's Chanukah and they're celebrating Christmas. They're offended if you wish them a Happy Hanukah. Even leaving out the "Chet," they get offended. You have to say "Happy Holidays" on Chanukah, a month before Christmas.

And shopping for the kids isn't fun. For some reason, I don't like spending all of my money.
My advice. Don't go shopping. Don’t buy your kids anything. If there is one thing that ruins the holiday, it’s going broke on a new gaming console. For some reason, something that can make your kids feel so good can make your feel so bad.
And now that Christmas Tree Shops went out of business. I can't go anywhere to get my Chanukah stuff. The best place you could find in Upstate New York to find Chanukah decorations was the Christmas Tree Shops. And now that it's gone, I have to ask Santa to help me get some Chanukah gifts.

I expected to see something Jewish at the mall. Nothing. The closest thing I saw was a two for one sale at Kohl's. And that was at a strip mall. Santa doesn't sit at strip malls in Upstate New York. After the first four months of Christmas, it gets to cold outside. 
Can't even buy clothes. I wanted a sweater. They've cornered the sweater market. All Christmas. Even the Chanukah sweater was a Christmas sweater. A woven Christian Chanukiah. I can't buy anything knitted till after the first of January. 
And then I was thinking of sending my friend a holiday card. Nope. Can't do that either. No Chanukah cards. Just Christmas cards. Nothing.
Everywhere. They're even wearing the hats in November. In November now. They encroach on us. Can't give us anything. Christmas is supposed to be one day. And the Santa hats don't even keep you warm.

I was trying to find Chanukah candles. That's what led to this. I needed Chanukah candles. Couldn't find them anywhere. Not even at Wegmans supermarket. Though, the Kosher section had tinsels. Then, I show up at Target. Thank Gd they have all that Christmas stuff there. They had just enough Christmas stuff to be able to justify their Menorah candle bin in the corner, next to the Silly Putty.

All I am asking for is eight days to wish people a Chanukah Sameach. The rest of the year, enjoy Christmas.
I just want some Chanukah. Something. Everything is red and white. Stop signs. They even have stop signs. Every time I need to slow my car down, I'm reminded of Christmas. For eight days. That's all I ask. Blue and white stop signs for eight days.
One song. Even have a Jew write us our song. Something Jewish. Something about Chinese food. Eight days of something other than a Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" and the Dreidel song. Something other than the Dreidel song, which I am sure has something to do with Christmas.

With all this, I want to thank Chabad for trying to bring the Chanukah spirit to my shopping experience. Chabad, fighting for the Army of H', brought in one of those huge Chanukiahs. An eighth of the size of the Christmas tree. I know they did, because I peeked behind the tree, pushed aside the branches, and was able to see one of the candles, giving an extra glow to the ornaments.

​I understand if you can't avoid Christmas. It's everywhere. If you have to, do what you can and make your Christmas at the mall a Chanukah experience.
Go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap yourself. When was the last time you sat on a grown man's lap?! Ask Santa to talk to the rabbi about making his sermons shorter. Maybe write a song about deer and snow, and make money. They've claimed snow too.
Go shopping in January, during the first month of Christmas, when they have the sales. Make it a positive Jewish experience. Give your kids Chanukah gift cards so they can enjoy Chanukah after Chanukah.
And that is how Yeshiva Week began.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.

We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul.

Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works...
I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head.

Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people.
The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. 
After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim.
To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’  This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah.
Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah.

It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast.
Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah.
It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day.

They were funny pioneers. They kept Kibbutzing. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kibbitzing means joking and banter. Kibbutzing is when people on the Kibbutz, the pioneers, do it. I came up with that. Thank you.

They were interested in bacon, because they were Apikurious. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An Apikores is a heretic. Epicurious is being interested in food and new dishes. If Torah interested them, they’d be Torahcurious. They wouldn't be curious in eating nonKosher food. Apikurious people also want to eat the food. The definition of Apikurious is not out there yet, so I have taken the liberty to define it. I would be curious to hear a differing opinion.

The men declared that the Piyutim, liturgical poems, were for them. "Which is why they are called Hymns." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Hims. Hymns. They sound the same. We call the hymns for Selichot, Piyutim. The women wanted to read Hyrs. But those don't exist. The men in that community should share the Hymns with the women, as they're for everybody. To give historical context. For the sake of peace and nonjudgmental living, homophones are for straight people too.

This New Year has been going real well Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Thought I would share that. So far. Here it’s Shofar. It’s Rosh Hashana, and the guy had a lisp. And I’m also feeling good Shofar.

I played poker against Satan's lawyer. I was playing devil's advocate. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Satan is the devil. His lawyer advocates for him. You shouldn’t play poker with the devil's lawyer before Yom Kippur... It gets confusing. Is Mordechai the devil's advocate, or is the lawyer the advocate? Or are they both?

I got a crazy citron this year. The guy selling it said it was an Etrogue. 
(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The citron is the Etrog we wave with the Lulav. It went rogue. It was on another table, doing its own thing. Hence, Etrogue. It went rogue. EtRogue.

If Adam was president Chava would be the First Lady a second time. (Mordechai)
You get it? First Lady. She was the first created lady. It’s a pun. A two word pun. That counts. We’re talking about Adam HaRishon. Greatest last name ever. Not Adam Cohen.
Please note, we know this is not a real situation. This couldn’t happen. Chava and Adam HaRishon passed away a while ago. Adam only lived for around nine hundred years.

Announcements
We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud.
 
Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people.
We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited.

Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety.
We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Chag Sameach My Pupils...
Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form...

We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again...
How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar.
Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas.
They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money...

(Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk...
The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies...
You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person.
It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... 
Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer...

Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar.
We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy...
No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing.
Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles...

Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... 
No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle.
I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy.
Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps...

By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave.
Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday...
Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy.

Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps...

We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." 
There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim.
There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end...

Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership...
(Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do.
A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it.
And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids...
H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people...
H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility.

Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it.
May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance.
If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora.

If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation...
Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! 
Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!...

And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too.
And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon...
You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck.

Rivka's Rundown
Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul.
The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing.

I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul.
I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them.
The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?!

The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us.

A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps.
Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul.
Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.”
Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers.

And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets.
I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it.
Candy violence has to stop in our shul.
It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it.
In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong.

And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven.
I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments.

The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape.
The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul.

Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation.

Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
 
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition
NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened.
The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting.
The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside."
As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping."
Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner.
NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah.
But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over.

Sukkah Hopping Takes Off
Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms.
Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. 
Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore.

Sukkah Hopping Is Done
Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion."
What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change.
The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love.
And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by.
 
Epilogue
As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient.
Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization.
Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face.
Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now.

Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years.
In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. 
Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping.

Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better.
Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees.

Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY.

To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." 

Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement.

The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." 
The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome.

The First Sukkah Hoppers
It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers.
They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart.
For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition.

Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah
When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better.
It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start.
Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals.
It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food.
Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived.

In Israel They Start to Hop
First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers.
Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets."
Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress.

The Walking Era
People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop.
In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms.
Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie.
Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes.
Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir.
Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah.

Epilogue
The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls.
Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. 

Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth.

Many people know Sukkah songs. However, poetry adds depth. Poems make the holiday more meaningful. Here are a few poems I wrote in third grade, to bring spirituality to your Sukkot holiday.

Sukkah Hopping
Sukkah hopping is hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
I hope we don't have to hop
Thank Gd. If we did. I would stop
And go back home
I don't think I can hop a mile even when I'm not alone
That's it?! All this Sukkah has is soup?!
Now I know why we have to go to another Sukkah
More candy?! From Sandy?!
Is this Sukkot or Halloween
Instead of a house, we're hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
Hoping for some ice cream
We wouldn't have had to hop if just one Sukkah served a meal
I don't want an orange peel
People throw out the peel
Or compost it
Even with chocolate on it
You will notice that I chose poetry over the report. The teacher said that for my report to do well I needed punctuation.
You will also notice that we were hoping, not hopping, for ice cream. A little play on words, which I tried saying. It didn't work as well in oral form. When I recited this composition in third grade gym class, my fellow students asked what "hope" has to do with "hopping." I had to explain that it was a work of literature.

Why Are We Sitting Out Here
(I wrote this one in third grade about Sukkot - I was inspired) 
It's freezing- why are we outside
I understand there is a cover you call Schach- but the cover has holes in it
The chair is made of metal- where should I sit
It's freezing- I said the chair is made of metal
That's your forearm- who measures with a cubit
If this is our home- I want out of this family
For seven days I can do it- as long as we have brisket and hot pastrami
It's still freezing and brisket tastes good inside too
I truly love hot pastrami. I would've sat outside on the frozen chairs, in the uneven cubit Sukkah, for the hot pastrami.
I got a bad grade on this poem. My Torah and Mishna teacher was not inspired by my words.

I Love You Holiday
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, even though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ Wrong of her, as I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ Schoo and Jew rhyme. I believe that is quite clear.

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world.
 
Singing Continues After Your Pray 
I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. 
They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets.
Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes.

Holding Hands In the Moment
When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced.
Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people.
The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me.
I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. 

And Now "Acheinu"
All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze.
Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened.
The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that.
"Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat.
I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight.

The Sun Is Rising
The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration.
It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired.

Final Conclusion
I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us.

The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students."
And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot.
And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form.

I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either.

"Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day.
I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times.

I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans.
And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night.