Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
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Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
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Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch.

What are similarities?
Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. 

And that's it?
Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. 

That's it? Just Jewish?
Yes. 
Jews are very similar.

In what way?
They're Jewish.

Do you do research?
I study. I’m a history buff.

Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes?
Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew.

But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel.
That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish.

What are they?
Frum.

So, how do you set them up?
I don't. I set up their parents.
If their parents say yes, they get married.

How do the parents know what the kid wants?
The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. 

What do the kids want?
I talk to the parents.

How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews?
Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them.

How do you do that?
If they both speak English​. English.

But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard.
Exactly.

Then how do you limit the options?
I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married.

How do you know it's right?
God. God creates Shidduchim.

Then what are you doing?
Figuring out who's Jewish.

Doesn't God know who's Jewish?
It's a complicated matter.

Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married?
Yes. When I get the money.
I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side.

How do you charge?
Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge.

Not all marriages are good.
That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings.
100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents.

The documents?
When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof.

Do you work with the Shidduch resume?
I’ve found many single people good jobs. 

Isn't the resume for finding people a match?
If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important.

Do you use it for anything else?
Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities.
​
What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven?
Those guys live in Topeka. No chance.

Then how will they meet somebody?
I'll set them up. 

They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka.
That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English?
​
Yes.
If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen.

Conclusion
Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up.

I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.'
The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married.
 
In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance.
The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English.
I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim, Shavuot and any other holidays in between, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he cheats the falafel system by loading up the salads.

Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot.
 
Bring Your Children
They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. 
If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.
Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.​

Learn in Chavrusa Form
Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand.
Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury.
There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye.
Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out.

Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult
As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze.
The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them.
 
Board Games
Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria.
I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning.
Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat.
You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer.
 
Have a Friend Smack You
If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker.
It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.
Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah.

Wrestling
This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions.
Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. 
If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it.

If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. 
If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain.

Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night

Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death. 
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time.

No Rainbows
Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers.
Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would  make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too.
No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them.
When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. 

Bows Are All The Same
The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire.
Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. ​You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch.

Ideas for Childhood Danger
As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi:
Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it.
Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time.
Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen.
Have them eat with their mouths open.
Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves.
Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger.
Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. 
Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire.
Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want.

Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street
If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires.
If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking.
In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows.
If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave.

Take Away
The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire.

A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear. 
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' 

The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.'  The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool.
Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question.
'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof.

They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors.
The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people.
Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.'

The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater.
Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals.

They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm.
'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it.
Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.'
Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.'

They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray.  
Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year.
The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it.
Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued.

And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach.
'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens.
After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song.

After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat.

Epilogue
The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school.

The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. 
It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack.
Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore.

What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray.

The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil.
It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. 

The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused.

Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt.

The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.)
Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb.
This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began.
They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. 

On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night.

For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves.
After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions.
The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?'
Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions.

When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools.
Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. 
Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on.

So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. 
None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions.
Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea

The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job.
To punish the teachers  for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions.
And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt.

I wasn't allowed to go to a Shabbat meal the other week, because I was too old. That kind of got me thinking about how off an old single person looks in the Jewish community. I love Shabbat and the holidays. To the rest of the community, though, it looks off. To the community, it's an anomaly to enjoy Shabbat alone. 
Holidays as a single person look off. Just being in the shul without a Tallis, something is off. They know you're old and single. You've got greys and everybody can see your suit jacket. Something is wrong, and it scares them. You can camouflage the singleness with a Tallis, but then you won't meet any ladies at shul. It's a catch-22. And it's wrong to checkout girls in the middle of the Amidah, even if that's what you should be doing.
Single women somehow find a way to look normal. The men look off. Hence, I'm going to focus mainly on the men while we discover the real reasons why old singles can't celebrate with community.

Old Singles People Look Weird
Guy without the Tallis. They're looking. Guy jumping on the floor to get candy at the Bar Mitzvah, because you don't have a kid to get you a Sunkist jelly. They're looking. Old single guy handing out candy to the kids. They've got their eyes on you. And you're scaring the children.
Girls can also look weird in the Frum community. Girl without a sheytel. They're looking. They know. That looks messed up. Nobody's hair looks better without a wig.

Nephews and Nieces Wonder
You can't pick them up and pinch their cheeks. Nowadays, old single men get locked up for that stuff.
And then your nephew is called a 'Ba'al Habayit,' a 'man of the house,' because they're twenty and married, and you're called a 'Bachur,' a 'boy,' because you're sixty-five and not married. When all this 'man' has ever accomplished is getting his parents to pay the rent. And then, the smart niece asks you again, where your kids are.
Old single women look normal around nephews and nieces. Pinch the cheeks, hold them, steal them from their parents. Take them to parks with nobody knowing. They even talk in a hipitch voice that makes them look like a good aunt. Old single men can't talk in a hipitch. That's why their nephews and nieces hate them, and don't want them around for the holidays. They need hipitch voices.

Purim Costumes
The only time old single people are allowed to enjoy dressing up is when they're going to an '80s themed party. You can't dress up for Purim. No matter the situation, I would question anybody dressed as Richard Simmons.
Ever seen an old single man dressed up for Purim? Lock him up. Single forty year old men should know better than to dress in a costume. They should also know better than to say a kid's costume is cute. They shouldn't notice kids' wearing costumes. That will get them in trouble. 
Groggers? That's not a question. Old single people can't use those noise makers. You get locked up for that. 'Creepy Grogger guy who thinks the kids in costumes are cute.'

​Purim Carnival
Ever seen an old single man at a Purim carnival? Lock him up. 'He showed to the Purim carnival too.'

Purim Gift Baskets
Ever seen an old single man giving Mishloach Manot to kids? Lock him up. Why are they giving the kids candy?

Pesach Singles Seder
Nobody invites us. It's weird to have the whole table going around with the youngest of each family saying the Mah Nishtana. Then you have the forty year old single guy reading for his family, also standing next to the head of the Seder. And the question arises again, 'Where are his kids? Something is wrong.' You end up being every question at the Seder.
I had a singles seder last year. Some of the traditions are different when celebrating without kids. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. Talking of pathetic, I didn't find it. Couldn't get the bike I wanted.

Sukkah Hopping
Nothing is more fun than hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah and get different forms of gummies.
Ever seen an old single guy hopping? Lock him up.

Simchas
Can't show to those. They still sit me at the kids table. They figure, the kids are single, David is single, they should sit together. Between us, I kind of like the chicken fingers.
Bar Mitzvah at the kids table is even worse, especially when you're the best friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy, and you're sitting right next to him, between the other twelve year olds. Showing to Simchas is just a chance to get yourself locked up.

Shabbat Meals
Can't do those. I called the Chabad guy about a singles dinner. He said, 'We do meals for people in their twenties and thirties.' It turns out, ​I'm too old to eat a Shabbat meal. I'm not allowed to eat food with other people on Shabbat. It scares them.
It's Chabad's rule. It’s a rule for all singles events. Sometimes they even put it on the event, to keep away the scary people, ‘Ages 20-35.’ Old single people have to eat by themselves. And find joy in that. If the younger people see an older person keeping Shabbat, they might think that Shabbat did that to them.​

Can't Celebrate Eating With Other Single People
That’s a lonely fest. Ten old single people together is ten times as lonely as eating by yourself. Everybody at the table is like, 'Where are the kids?' 
You just sit there and feel bad for the girl across from you. You can't enjoy a choolante when you know she did a great job cooking it, and you still have no idea how to ask her out.
Worse is potluck dinners, where you're invited to bring the food for the other singles. If you're lucky and you're not the only one bringing food, the rest of the food is also cold. Note of Advice: You can't host a meal and not provide food, having people walk a mile on Shabbat, and expect the Kugel to be warm.

Uncle in the Corner Visiting for the Holiday
You sit, you look off. Sitting in shul with no kids, you've got to find a decent non-visible spot. All the kids are next to your brother-in-law and all you can tell the people sitting next to you is, 'I love them... They're not mine.' It's off.
Single guy reaches forty, they stop asking his sister about him, to see if they have a good match. They start asking about him to find out what's wrong.
At the table, they don't even respect you anymore. They sit you in the corner, out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to explain. 'That’s the pathetic one. He's sitting in the corner, because he has no family. It's fine.... The one sitting over here, that's Aunt Lisa. She's great. She's single and fifty. The kids love her. She sounds like one of those Teletubbies. She was even telling us about this Shabbat meal she was allowed to eat at last Shabbat.' 

Message
Get married and you won't look as pathetic. Even get married to the wrong person. It looks better, and you won't get locked up for being a person.

This is exactly the scene at the shul we were at for Taanit Esther. No moral to the story. Just a great scene with the characters from the shul. A great scene for the kids at the day school to act out. 

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody in the shul has been fasting all day. They're hungry and at shul for Mincha, the afternoon prayer. Nobody is happy. They walk into shul a schlumpy. They grunt at each other.

Congregant 1: Ahhhhh.  

Congregant 2: Ahhhh. Been working all day at the factory. The fast is killing me.

Congregant 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7: Food.

Congregan 3 walks in, the only cheery guy.

Congregant 3: The fast is about Teshuva. Repentance. It's about being with people and getting along. Rebuilding the Beit Hamikdash through love of your fellow Jew.

Congregant 2: I can't stand this guy. 

Congregant 3: You're supposed to feel good.

Everybody looks at Congregant 3 not happily, and grunt.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
​
Everybody is in the middle of the silent prayer, the Amidah, and saying the additional prayer of penitence for H' to answer us on this day of our fast, the Aneiny prayer. Somebody says the beginning of the prayer out loud, to remind people to say the additional prayer and to show off that he remembered to say it.

Congregant 4: Aneinu H' Aneinu.

Everybody acknowledges. Congregant 4, and give him a thumbs up or a fist of approval. They continue praying the silent prayer. Congregant 4 smiles with self-contentment and pride.
All continue praying. From the hallway, you hear a big crunch. Definitely potato chips. It's heard by everybody, while they are praying. Another crunch is heard. People start looking at each other and get back to praying. Another crunch is heard. All of their prayers are interrupted. They can't concentrate. The guy starts eating faster and louder. People are looking at each other. You start to hear the bag now crumpling. He hear the guy crunching more on the chips. You then hear the crescendo, the guy drinking the rest of the chips. There is silence for a second, everybody gets back to the Amidah, silent prayer. Congregant 2 finished the Amidah and walks over to Congregant 1. You hear another crunch.

Congregant 2: They're happy.

The sound of the rest of the bag crumpling is heard. People are interrupted in their prayer again and show frustration, looking at each other. There is a moment of silence. They are all back praying the Amidah with Kavanah, intent. Twenty seconds later, you hear another chip going into the mouth with a loud crunch.
The crunching continues at a fast pace. Everybody is finished and walks towards the door.

Scene 3
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY

Baruch, the one that has been eating, is sitting outside opening another bag of chips. He has three bags open out there. Another crunch is heard. Baruch is sitting outside the door of the shul, in the hallway, has a table setup right there, full of food and drinks. The Minyin (the men praying) walk outside and see the guy. He is now spreading peanut butter on celery and an apple. 

Congregant 1: It's Baruch.

Congregant 5: Do you eat anything silent? Maybe a rugulach? 

Congregant 6: He has Kichel there.

Congregant 2: Can we get some of that?

Baruch: It's a fast day. How can you even think about eating? It's shameful.

Congregant 5: You're eating.

Baruch: You have to wait till the fast is over. I'm sick. I have to eat. The doctor said I need the nutrients.

Congregant 2: Then why are you eating chips?

Baruch: Are these not nutrients? Look at the bag. There's a box that says 'nutrients' right here. And look. Celery and apples. 

Congregant 1: But you're eating chips.

Congregant 5: Should he be eating nutritious food? It's a fast day.

Scene 4
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody goes back into the shul. The Chazin begins the repetition of the prayer, outloud. Baruch keeps on eating. Takes a bite of the celery.
​
Congregant 1: Everything he eats is loud.

Congregant 5: You can't have Kavanah (proper intent) when Baruch is eating.

You hear Baruch start chewing his apple, and you see him smiling. The happiest man on the fast day, as he is sick.
 
Congregant 3: That’s how you’re supposed to be on a fast day.
 
We pan back outside and we see Baruch eating chips again.

​Kibbitzer Conclusion
Eating outside the shul on a fast day is the next level of funny. Hearing the chips added another layer to the regular scene of angry people. Brilliant timing. All these fatigued people and they hear this guy outside munching on the food. 
Being sick on a fast day is not that bad. It also interrupts Minyin.
Don't try to talk about repentance or love of your fellow man on a fast day. People only want to talk about the day being done. Nobody causes hatred of Jews more than a happy guy on a fast day. That is what causes baseless hatred and why the Temple was destroyed.
In the end, Congregant 3 was hungry. Something about hearing chips brings hunger.
Nobody feels better than the guy who calls out the Aneinu or the Yaleh vYavo when it's Rosh Chodesh. You can feel that pride when they call it out. The people who said the Aneinu silently feel like idiots for not calling it out, when they could've been a star. The shul pride lasts for days. Almost as much pride as the guy who clops the table to scare everybody into saying the Yaleh vYavo.
Happiness for the congregants started after Megillah reading, when people started eating. They still grunted at each other.

In the times of Megilat Esther we were commanded to 'send food portions, man to his friend.' Known as Mishloach Manot, this is how we are commanded to celebrate Purim, along with gifts to the poor and more food for us. (Esther 9:22) 'Days of feasting and happiness, sending of portions to one another, and presents to the poor.' It all means food. As the rabbis realized very quickly, Jews can only be happy with food. The entertainment will be complained about, but the food will be complained about and enjoyed.
So the Jews decided to send food to one another in the form of wicker baskets. Wicker is very easy to clean if there is a spill. There were a lot of spills back then, as packaging wasn't good in the BCEs.
And then there was Easter. So, all Jews started buying whatever they could find on sale, to give to their friends. Walmart had a whole section of bunnies and chocolate, and that is how we see chocolate eggs in our Mishloach Manot, along with Kinder eggs. They then decided to also give the tiny bottles of alcohol they were able to steal from ELAL. And then Haddar started selling Hamentashen at Costco. Thus, the Hamentashen people get in their Mishlaoch Manot. Unmarked Hamentashen, made by Haddar, the new taste of kosher, hand pulled from the plastic package, in sandwich bags. Unpackaged, making crumbs in your Mishloach Manot, as in ancient times. And then people started receiving a lot of Mishloach Manot, and they tried to figure out how to save it for the following Halloween, or to hand it to a neighbor they didn't think about when making their own Mishloach Manot.. 

At first, Mishloach Manot were only sent to one person, to fulfil the commandment of 'portions.' That became very overwhelming for some families, who had just started cleaning out their fridge and preparing for Pesach. To quote Bernie: 'In the 1950s, we just found it easier to give our gift packages in bulk form... To tell the truth. We threw everything we could into that package. Anything we could get rid of. We had Pesach coming up, and getting the junk-food out of the house was paramount. Most of our sweets were Chametz. Anything leftover from last year, we sent it. Anything we found on sale, we sent it. We sent it all. Any candy we found, we threw it right into that bag. A lunch bag. It was clear that it was stuff we had to get out of the house. Leftovers? They were all in there. We even sent somebody a bit piece of chicken leg.'
Picking up on this, the world of wicker started making smaller Purim sized baskets. Hence, Mishloach Manot were something that were something you had to give to everybody in the community. Ending with the most important tradition of forgetting somebody, and offending them. I have witnessed new Purim enemies in my community every year. Tradition. 
And that is how we end up with small wicker and plastic packages, full of Easter eggs, a bunny, Hershey's Kisses in Christmas themed packaging, Hamentashen from Haddar that will last through next Purim, a thimble sized bottle of Johnny Walker, and plastic cling wrap, showing up at your door, from the Cohens, with a note written out to the Cohens, for the Cohens to have a Happy Purim. Not you.
The Cohens didn't need the Chametz either. And they didn't care enough about you, to write your name on it. Maybe they just wanted to gloat, that the Schwartzs thought about them and gave them stuff.

I don't know where the hundred gram chocolate bar tradition started. I wish I had a good answer as to the origins of that tradition. Bite size chocolate makes sense, as there are leftovers from Halloween, and thus, part of our tradition.
Maybe some wealthy Jews got involved and were giving the nonJewish kids full chocolate bars for Halloween. Be it what it is, I have never come across full size chocolate bars on sale. I've only found Halloween bite size on sale at The Christmas Tree Shop. For that matter, tradition of giving out small packages of Mike and Ikes in wicker has also found its way into many communities.
For that matter, bottles of Kedem grape juice in Mishloach Manot is also religiously questionable, as they are not tiny, and most of them are Kosher for Pesach; thus, there is no reason to get rid of them.
A large bottle of vodka may find its way into Mishloach Manot, when you have a friend who has too many kids. Even so, whiskey is better, as you may want to unload that for Pesach.

No tradition of fruit was ever part of Mishloach Manot, as that brings happiness to nobody. Dried fruit may be added, as sugar has been concentrated in those, and you have leftovers from Tu BShvat. That is how the dried fruit tradition started in the 1600s.

The Frum community decided to stick with wicker and plastic bowls. That is what you have today in the Frum community.
The less Frum communities have adapted the paper plate Hamentashen. Choosing origami over tradition. The good thing about the paper plate Hamentashen is that there's a limit to how much it holds. With the staples on the sides (staples is how Jews do origami- it holds together better that way), heightening it, there is a limit to how much overflow the plastic cling wrap can retain.
All communities now pick-up their Mishloach Manot accouterments at The Christmas Tree Shop. Another Jewish tradition began in the 1990s. 
Please note that you cannot make a decent Hamentash out of a plastic plate. They crack and it looks like the bakery messed up your pastry. Another note, while we are noting historical facts. Kinder eggs have been banned from Mishloach Manot, as the kids would rather eat the figurines than play with them.

No tradition of masks and groggers in your Mishloach Manot was ever developed. They are not edible and thus useless. What you see in the children Mishloach Manot bags are just for kids to enjoy the holiday and throw on the floor. If they had bite size masks, the tradition to add them to Mishloach Manot might have developed. 
Next time, we will delve into the traditions of the Purim kid bags that come in cone form. We will also research when cleaning began. We believe modern day cleaning up began with the first children leaving their wrappers on the floor in the year 118 CE.

Many have asked about the tradition of sending cake and pancake mixes. That is forbidden. It is not enjoyable to have to cook. The commandment is to be happy, and that happens with pre-made food. Though it's not tradition to send brisket, as it brings more Simcha (happiness) to eat it oneself, it may be done. If you are wealthy and have somebody else cooking for you, it's fine to send brisket, along with the full chocolate bars.

The card has always caused problems. The tradition of having somebody's name attached to the recipient part of the Mishloach Manot was put there to ensure that Jews didn't get along. The ancient tradition made sense, when they would literally send Mishloach Manot through messengers. However, they stopped the tradition of sending the Mishloach Manot, in the year 1643, once they realized that the messengers were eating the chocolate on the way.

I am happy to answer any of your questions about Jewish history.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

​Finishing off the Florida Trilogy, as it is winter and Jews are still there. All fine pieces of cinema and literature should be written in trilogy form. Hence, the third article about how I can’t afford vacation.
Vacation is a week of me turning homeless.
 
I Am Homeless
I show up to the airport and I am a homeless man looking for a place to sleep. A week as a homeless man. That's vacation. Me as a dispossessed person. That's vacation to me. I leave the warmth and enjoyment of my home, and try to find another place to stay, really far from my home.
Homelessness is a realization I came to upon arguing with the hotelier at the forty dollar a night motel resort, when I found out that there were resort fees. Arguing that a chair on pavement patio doesn’t make one a resort, was the realization of homelessness.
Some call it a motel. It's a homeless man looking for shelter.

Homeless in Florida Still Need Shelter
I learned that I can't sleep on the street. As warm as it is, I need a place to stay. Growing up in a Jewish middle class neighborhood, I did not cultivate homeless beach sleeping skills. Truth is, all the good spots on the beach were taken by other New Yorkers who made their way south.
I should’ve done a Mitzvah and started an awareness campaign. My Jewish charity upbringing had me thinking that we need to raise money for vacationers down here. Next time I vacation I’m starting a Tzedakah. If the vacationers have any hope of enjoying Disney World, they’re going to need assistance.
 
I Found The Place To Stay Online
Even homeless people have internet access nowadays.
I went to Booking.com and found the cheapest place. It was a motel. What's worse is they called it a hotel. The only thing worse than a motel, is a motel they call a hotel. That’s how I ended up at the motel resort. 
That first night, I rolled my luggage in and made it clear, 'I just need a decent shower, some hot water and a roof over my head for the night.' I was homeless. Like any homeless man, ​I just wanted a decent place to sleep and shower for the night. The local migrant homeless already took up the beach. All the good spots for cardboard were taken.
 
I Can’t Call It A Hotel or A Resort
This motel is where homeless people stay.
I know it is politically correct to allow people to identify how they like. However, offensive as it may be, I had a hard time calling the Silver Spray Motel a hotel. It was gutsy to use the brand of insect repellent in their motel name. I respect them for that. Even so, I couldn’t go along with them self-identifying as a hotel. For that matter, it was hard to call my homeless motel room, with the last guy’s sheets on my bed, a resort.
Self-identifying has its limits. A hotel needs a lobby. At least a cushioned chair to sit on when I’m waiting for my room. Folding chairs don’t bring resort status.

Homelessness is Expensive
It’s expensive to not have money. Ask my bank and the credit card guy about the fees for not having money. And it's more expensive to be homeless than to live in a home. Even when I go camping, I'm paying more than staying at my house.
Camping is another scam we can talk about. You are literally without shelter, and they charge you for that.
 
Staying At Home Is A Better Vacation
I gave up heat, a nice kitchen, surround sound, a good shower that I know how to adjust. I'm going to travel to my house next time.
My home allows me to stay. The hotel kicks me out at 11am. From 11am to 4pm I was literally without lodging. That's why I have to vacation someplace warm. The only positive in Florida is that I didn't freeze when I was on the streets. 
I am going to stop traveling really far for vacation. The problem with vacation is that my house is really far away now. I didn't think about the commute home when I went on vacation. If it's an option to vacation and commute home every night, that shall be my next destination.
 
I Now Travel with A Backpack
The new travel baggage fees have brought me to this. I now travel with as little as possible. Tooth floss, phone and Tefillin. That’s it. Tefillin and Tallit fill the limit. If I can justify a coat, I'll smuggle a sandwich.
Thanks to Spirit Airlines, I travel with nothing. No clothes. The fees scare me. I show up to Florida, a homeless man who has to go shopping. I pick up new undergarments in every city I visit. It’s cheaper to buy pants there too.
I’m a backpacker. A forty-four-year-old backpacker. I would stay at youth hostels, but I can get arrested for that.
Charging for me to carry stuff on the plane? For me to hold stuff?!

I Have To Eat
Where do I get food? I had food in my fridge. Vacationing at home is better.
I have to go to a restaurant, a mini-mart that charges fifteen bucks for milk, or I have to show up to Shacharit at some shul and hope somebody is sponsoring breakfast. I spent my money on my carry-on during my last trip. It’s going to have to be shul.
When I’m traveling, I’m a dear member of all Jewish communities where I don’t pay dues. Your Simcha is my happiness when I need food.

I Got to Know the Locals
When you don't have money for the sites, you get to know the people. Getting to 'know the culture of the locals,' is the homeless man's way of vacationing.

I Slept On Public Transit
I was on a bus and I fell asleep. It was comfortable. Thank Gd for buses.
At the time, I felt like I was connecting with the locals. Then, I saw the locals driving. 
Not even public transportation. Public transit. That's how you know you're homeless. I didn't even care where the bus was going. I didn't ask. It was all an experience. A homeless experience.
Don't tell me to take Uber. I spent that money on my carry on. And most cars don't have the legroom necessary for a decent nap.

I Was Going to Jump Into Waves
That sounded fun to me, and my Israelis brethren and sistren were also doing it, which meant it was financially sound. The shekel does not cover amusement parks.
The sand was too comfortable. I fell asleep.

As I talked about last week, next time, I'm going to relegate myself to Florida visitations. I don't have vacation money. I have visitation money. I can visit. If nobody takes me in, I’m vacationing at home.
I'm going to enjoy my vacation. If I turn up the thermostat a bit, I can be warm in Rochester. Shoot. Now I have to start saving up to pay for the gas. There is no way around it. Yeshiva Week is expensive.

​ 
Any vacation I am on, I feel like I'm getting ripped off. Even when I buy a yogurt, it's an awful feeling. $1.50 for Chobani. It's 89¢ in Rochester, at Shmuli’s local bodega, with a coupon. The only bodega I know with coupons.
Everything I did on vacation, I know I got ripped off. When I can’t find a supermarket or a mega-store, I know I got ripped off. When I see a shot glass with the name of the place I am visiting, I got ripped off. When I buy a shirt for kids, and it's not at Marshalls, I got ripped off. When there are fees, I got ripped off.
Here's what I spent my money on in Florida. I hope this prepares you for the shock of having to pay for stuff when you leave your home. If you are bringing the family, good luck. They’ll get you on family fees.

Fees
Expenses you didn't even think were a thing. Stuff that makes no sense, you're paying for that on vacation. Tips for people you never even saw. Tips for the guy who said hello and held the door, that you didn't even know worked there. They're called fees.
The word 'fees' is vague, so you can't complain when they charge you. If you knew they were charging for the extra key to the room you are paying for already, you would go crazy. Fees means 'anything we want to charge you for.' If they wrote down that you had to pay for the paper towels, you would protest it. So, they call it 'fees.'
I question tips for people who did me a favor. In Florida, I have to tip the righteous Tzadiks that are doing me favors from inside the kitchen. I never even met them. It's a fee.
They know you're on vacation in Florida and they're going to get you on fees. It's a category of billing, called vacation fees. Fees for smiling people.

Resort Fees 
Florida got me on something they called a resort fee. A resort fee?! A forty dollar a night hotel resort fee. Even the motel got me on a resort fee. No motel has ever been considered a resort. By calling yourself a motel, you are making it clear to your customers that you are keeping the resort people away. Before Florida, I never met anyone that had the gall to tell me I was staying at a tropical paradise motel.
They were shocked when I explained to them, 'An umbrella doesn't make you a resort.' They made it clear that there was a chair too. They said 'the chair is for lounging. Resort.'
One 'resort,' I had to pay a condo fee. These people are renting to me by the night, and they haven't covered their monthly expenses. They're depending on me for their bills. I had to pay for maintenance, gas and electric, a plumbing issue, an extra layer of drywall to keep out the noise from the guy next door, parking in my resort, a Tropicana out of the vending machine, and the resort fee. The resort didn't even offer orange juice.
Yes. I was disturbed to have to pay for parking and my juice at the motel resort. 

Car Rental Places Make It Worse
With the extra fees, I feel like I went and got my car fixed. They have fees for driving it, using the road. It's the local road and I've got to get a pass to use it. There's a gas fee, a usage fee, a friend fee. I'm guessing that's the rental guy. He's my new friend. 
If I have insurance, why do I have to pay for insurance?! How did car rental guy still charge me for insurance? Those are questions the rabbis didn't discuss in the Talmud, as they are too complicated. 
I don't know how I ended up paying car insurance. I had car insurance and he still got me on car insurance. It must be called vacation insurance. Car vacation insurance. I felt like I was at the mechanic. That's how ripped off I felt. These guys are car mechanics that got into the hospitality business.  
And then I have to take pictures and video the car, to not get charged more for dust hitting the car. That's another fee. It's called a speck fee. Half of my vacation is spent checking the car. I ended up parking it and leaving it, just in case there were extra fees for using it. Wait. Parking is another fee.

The Car Rental Guy Works With The Hotel
When you rent the room on Booking.com, they don’t tell you you're going to get screwed over with parking. I couldn't afford that after the car rental fees.
Don't tell me to use Uber. I don't need a random local guy ripping me off. I like a company involved in the fraud. I like it corporate.
I drove around all of South Florida. Not one free parking spot.
Point: Vacation is very frustrating. I definitely end up blaming the guy who has no say, who is just charging me.

I'm Not Good at Tipping for an Umbrella
I thought I paid. Thinking that you've finished paying makes vacation very uncomfortable for everybody else. You pay, and then you have to pay more, and then they tax that too. And then there are fees.
I didn't realize I had to tip too. After $300 a day per person, I thought we had paid. That was Disney World right there. Uncomfortable. You have to be ready for the $300 and fees, and tips. You can't expect for somebody to help you for free.
Next time somebody does me a favor in Florida, I am not saying 'thank you.' I am just going to give them money. That's appreciated.

Got to Eat at Restaurants
If I'm not broke yet, I have to eat. It’s either the restaurant or the mini mart. The problem is they don’t have tables at the mini mart, and the kids will remember eating at a mini mart. Their friends will remember it too, when they share what they did for vacation. 
Third grade teachers are fools. Who has the kids sharing their intimate family stuff? Make sure they did a decent vacation before asking them to share it with the class. Let the ones that went skiing in Colorado share it. 

I Have to Eat Kosher
That's another two thousand dollars. That's the kosher fee.

Families Belong at Home - Not on Vacation
Dad is going to get mad. Every dad is angry on vacation, because they have to pay. Family vacations cost, and they go bad because mom and dad are spending a lot of money. When they see the kids not smiling, that's anger fodder. 
I heard a dad at the Motel Resort yelling, ‘We’re going to have a good time. We're going to have good family times.’ You never have a good time when dad says you’re going to have a good time. ‘We’re going to smile. Everybody is going to smile.' He demanded smiles. 'I invested a lot of money on family time. Smile!!! I just got a resort fee, because they gave us towels. It's a motel! It is not a resort! And no more Greek yogurt. I can't afford yogurt for everybody. You think I'm made of tips…Sorry, honey. I thought it was all good once we paid for the flight.' And then dad gets hit with another fee for having a license and having to park. And when they saw the kids, they charged them a family fee having them. 
Knowing how much dad spent, I was happier as a single man, only having to work overtime for the next half year.

What I Learned About My Vacation Money
​I might have enough money to vacation in Toronto. They don't have resort fees in Toronto. They tried getting people on the umbrellas concept, but that didn't sell in subzero temperatures. They couldn't argue with the fact there was no sun. They tried getting me to tip once, but I just stayed in the cold and the bellhop ran back inside.
​Thank Gd, I have a home. I'm going to enjoy my winter there. I already covered maintenance. Bills are paid. There are no extra fees.
​Next time I travel outside of city limits, I am planning in advance. I've already spoke to my boss about a 401k.

I went to Florida last week and realized I should not be vacationing. I can travel,  but I can't vacation.
I went down Florida because I had to. It's tradition to go to South Florida in the winter, and I am a good Jew. I even pronounce Florida with eight syllables. I am a very good Jew. I've been to Israel, but I know that the good Jews go to Florida when it's cold. Even the Israelis go to Florida. You go to Israel for the pilgrimage festivals. You go to Florida for the winter.
Traveling is good. Vacationing is the issue. Throughout my spiritual quest of being where my ancestors have voyaged for winters, I learned a lot about why I shouldn't vacation. Yeshiva Week is coming and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Save up. If you're going to anything called a destination, learn from my monetary miscomings, and start saving.

VACATION MONEY IS DIFFERENT
This is called empathy.

My Vacation Financial Situation
If you have to find work, in order to ensure you have a place to sleep, that kills the vacation experience.  
I have living money. I don't have vacation money. I have homeowners and rent money. I don't have 'put down the month's rent to have shelter for a night' money. I don't have 'I'm going away for Pesach' money. I have 'I will clean my house for Pesach' money. 
I can afford the flight. I was set. I clicked that button on Orbitz and Travelocity. I clicked many buttons. I got all the way to the end and saved on the insurance. I figured, I don't need it, I can commit, and I have extra pocket change. I had no idea I would have to pay for stuff once I got to Florida. I heard they were kind people down there. What we call Ba'alei Chesed.

Hotels Cost Money
That would've been nice to know.
I have enough money to get to Miami Beach. I don't have the money to stay. I didn't realize I had to pay for stuff once I got there, like a place to sleep. Hotels cost money. 
Calling $1,000 a night for a family 'hospitality' is a mockery of Hachnasat Orchim, welcoming guests. It's bad Chinuch. After all the money spent on Jewish Day School, you don't teach children that you charge four figures for lodging when you have guests. Avraham Our Father wasn't in the tent business for the money.
There's a certain amount you need to make vacationing worth it. I don’t have that money. Paying for the flight isn't enough. I thought it was. You’re there. Now you have to spend $2,000 a day on stuff you didn't even realize would cost, like somebody helping you. I thought people helped with my bags because it's a Mitzvah. They expect tips for their acts of loving kindness. 

Be Ready For Other Expenses
Kosher food doesn't get cheaper on vacation.

I Didn't Save Up
It was my fault. I only started saving up last spring. 
I don't think ahead long enough to plan a vacation right. I should've started a mutual fund years ago, before the five days in Florida. I didn't plan it correctly. I messed up my vacation plans when I got a masters in social work.
I'm not even talking about skiing. If you have enough money to go skiing, you might as well vacation. And what kind of a Jew puts on an outfit that doesn't allow them to eat?!

I Spent All Vacation Funds I Had
I bought Tefillin.

How Much Yeshiva Week Costs
You spent 30K to send your kid to Jewish day school. That's just one of them. Disney World is not going to be any less than that. For each additional child, add ten thousand to the family trip, and invest wisely. You need a college fund, a Tefillin fund, and a family trip fund. 
Your kids are going to expect you to spend and you didn't think that putting the name of a town on a sweatshirt would bring up the price eighty dollars. The kids are going to need proof that you put your savings down on them.

The Family Is Joining
Trips are fine for most people who got a degree that's not social work. However, when you add family to trip, no degree helps with the Yeshiva Week cost. The hotel, the flight the rent a car and the restaurants. The kids will want more pizza. After two days of pizza, the excitement wears off.

SPEND YOUR VACATION DIFFERENT
You're different. Accept it. You don't have money for Yeshiva Week, because you spent it all on Yeshiva.

I Have Different Kinds of Money
I don't have vacation money. I have visitation money. I can travel to visit you. I can go down south to stay in your house for a week. 
I can pay for the flight and visit you. You have to provide the accommodations and board. I travel to you for the college spring break experience. That's why I say it's rude when you suggest a hotel. I don't have the other two thousand dollars. I needed another six months of work, and I didn't plan that.
I can travel out to the island and crash by you. The couch is fine. I will deal. For me, vacationing is about finding worse living arrangements than my house.
 
Positive Family Time
I have the monies for visitations.
I suggest you refocus your Yeshiva week time and do visitations. Visitations are where you make it to the destination where everybody else is vacationing. You then put the responsibility of entertaining your family on your siblings that live there.
Let your brothers and sisters know, if they don’t want you visiting, you’re still coming for Shabbis. That’s the Jewish way. Even the wealthy skiers visitate on their vacation for Shabbis.

The Visitation Sale 
​Your family won’t go for the visitation when they realize that your sister doesn’t live on the beach.
Tell the family they're going to see their cousins. Let them know how important family is, and that is the reason there won't be any water parks. You will have quality time with the family and your kids will hate you. Accept that your kids will hate you and you will save a lot of money. They will grow up well-adjusted individuals who don't expect you to pay for their children's schooling.
Visitations are also great, as they prepare the kids for the realities of life. No matter how annoying your cousins are, they're going to have to see them at Simchas, and at least one of their friends will end up in jail.

They Need Yeshiva Week Scholarships
They give scholarships to the kids for school. What happens when the grandparents don't pay for vacation?
Every Jewish dad feels this way. It's too much money. Even if your dad is smiling on vacation, he's mad. They all hate Yeshiva Week.
So, just know that when you go on that ride, when you go jet skiing, your dad is thinking about how he's going to have to work time and a half. This Yeshiva week, thank your parents for the flight, don't ask to eat out, and be happy staying at the motel. The hotel money was spent on your tuition.

Next time I shall take you into detail as to what happens to me on vacation, when  I go down to Florida and don't save up money. In the meantime, no matter how you spend it. Even if it's at a motel, enjoy the family time.

Call for Chesed: If you have a home in South Florida, please let us know if you are open for visitations.

​Seders are about questions. Asking questions is what the Kabbalists had in mind when they created the Tu BShvat Seder.
Here are the questions from my Tu BShvat Seder last year. Use them to make your Seder more meaningful.
 
People Trying to Figure Out Why There is So Much Dried Fruit at the Seder
Why are we only eating dried fruits on this night?
Why are we eating almonds with no salt?
Why on all other nights are our peanuts salted and enjoyable?
Why is my stomach hurting?
Why does this hurt more than milk?
Why do we have a holiday to care for the environment and vegetarians?
Is this holiday about the environment?
Why are we using plastic silverware?
Don’t we do enough for the environment by not driving on Shabbat?
Can we eat one of those apples that’s sitting on the counter?
If I like apples and I don’t like dried fruit, can I please eat an apple?
If it is not tradition, can I please eat an apple?
How does eating fruits and vegetables make you fat?
How can you get fat when eating healthy?
 
People Confused About Israel’s Undergrowth
What are the seven species of Israel?
Can I ask that question again?
Is pomelo not one of the seven fruits of the Holy Land?
Are you sure?
Why is this so confusing?
Then why do they sell it in the shuk?
Yes. Should sunflower seeds not be one of the seven species?
Why are Bamba peanut butter puffs not a specie? Are they not a vegetarian food? Are they not made in Israel?
Why are they so tasty?
If almonds are not one of the seven species of Israel, then can we please pull out the salted ones?
​Why is salt so good?
Will somebody please get me another cup? My plastic cup already has some wine. I want another one for the cola of Israel.
 
Questions About the Environment and the People Who Care
Why did the Jewish National Fund (JNF) take my money for a tree when I was a child?
Where is my tree? Why did The Jewish National Fund take money from me in kindergarten and never tell me where they planted my tree in Israel?
What happened to the Dead Sea?
Is it solidarity with the trees to not sit on chairs?
Why don’t you pay for us to do yoga?
Why is he laying down on our couch?
No, you can’t sleep here. You’re here for the Seder. Why did you just drool on our pillow?
Why don’t you recycle something for once?!!!
Why don’t you take out the garbage every once in a while?!!!
Why are we witnessing a family fight?
Why have you never reused a plastic bag?
Why are you the only guy still shopping without one of the big clothy supermarket bags?
Why do those rip too? I don’t know.
Why are people still driving non-solar cars?
How are we saving the environment on Shabbat when we are leaving on the lights the whole day?
Why am I sitting next to this heretic that just asked that?
Where are the kids?
Are they happy?
Are they eating the rum raisin ice cream?
Why on all other nights do I like food and have a settled stomach?
 
There were a lot of fights at that Seder. I think people got mad so many questions got asked. It extended the Seder real long.
I don’t think any of the questions got answered. Though, at points, people did respond to questions with angrier questions. Hopefully, at your Seder this Tu BShvat, you will be able to answer some of these.

Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
 
Eat Oily Food
The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics.

Use Animal Fat
​Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that.
 
Eat Oilier Latkes
Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious.
 
Give the Children Big Kippahs
Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want.
That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. 

Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke
​Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays.
 
Light up the Electric Candles
This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate.
Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur.
 
Say Xmas
The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit.
 
Purchase Gifts That Mean Something
If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift.

Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring
That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven.
 
Eat More
If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more.
Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. 
When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here.
 
Use Tinfoil
Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil.

Go to a Shul Chanukah Party
Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa.
 
Decorate
All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Never Play Dreidel
Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive.

Sing Hebrew Songs
If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious.
Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht.

To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight.
I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. 

Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.

Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night
Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there.

Eat More
Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. 
Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too.

Eat A Turkey Shawarma
Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. 
What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey.
The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet.

Tell The Story of the Pilgrims
The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. 
Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha.

Thank H'
Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord.
Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew.
And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. 

Don't Work
Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work.

Forbid Stuff
If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. 
You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey.
Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday.
You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday.

Have a Fight
A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day.

Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally
Jews don't parade. We rally.
Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.'

Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday.
If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich.
I tried to help.
Thanksgiving Sameach

Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology. 
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it.
If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English.

Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante.
Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin.
Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. 
Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things.
Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite.
Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak.
Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul.
Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’
Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other.
Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher.
Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. 
Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk.
Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money.
Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man.
Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish.
Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. ​
Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil.
New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate.
Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. 
Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers.
Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources.
Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man.
Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him.
Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence.
Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. 
Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. 
Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread.
Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling.
Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas.
Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. 
Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat.
Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba  and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse.
Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing.
Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him.
Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People.
Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we...

I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat.
Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism.
May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

On Yom Kippur they read the English part of the service. They called up Sharon and she read it as a reading. That is all the she understands. They started with this new English reading. It has picked up, as people find the service more meaningful as a reading.
I'm amazed how she sits in shul with no idea how to read Hebrew. She just sits and spaces out. Sits there for three hours every week, spacing out. Finally, we start the reading in English and she understands it. She was glowing. It's the new tradition in the shul. They even had a reading about the Lulav. Something about the 'spine of our people, the pole of our lives.' It did sound more meaningful as a reading. People were hugging their four species of Sukkot.
 
With the readings, now the shul is becoming very touchy-feely. There was dancing in shul at the Friday night service. It wasn’t even Simchat Torah.
 
The rabbi gave a speech on Simchat Torah. That was not appreciated. Even so, the rabbi said it was necessary for the meaning of the day. It went along with the touchy-feely theme.
 
The big herring fiasco of last week is still not resolved. Mr. Himelman brought herring to Kiddish. He didn’t sponsor the Kiddish. However, he brought herring and wanted it to go out there. Nobody knew there was herring. He took it and poured it into a bowl and got it on Sadie. Nobody is happy with this herring right now, but they are all eating it. I believe the real anger started when Mr. Himelman was screaming, 'I bought the herring. It is hear now. Where are the crackers?!' He didn't buy crackers, by the way. Thank Gd the shul had extra crackers.
 
The kids got lost at Sukkah Hopping.
The Teens are back from the summer and everybody is scared. All teens scare the older people in the congregation. ‘The hoodlums are here.’ That’s what Bernie said when he saw his granddaughter and her friends. Some of the old people almost had a heart attack. Teens are scary.
People were worried that other teens attacked the teens on the Sukkah hop. At the last board meeting it was proposed to send teens away to summer camp all year until they are in their early 20s and don't scare society anymore. Frank suggested that at least Michael not show up with his scary long hair.
 
A lot of new people coming to the shul. The security guard chased away a good Jewish boy with tattoos and piercings. Now, the kid who got chased away is saying the shul is anti-Semitic and racist.
 
The rabbi thing has been getting to the rabbi. He now believes he has a calling. Now that he really cares, the community is thinking about getting rid of him. He’s been giving sermons everywhere. I heard that there was an extended line at the scan yourself checkout at Kroger’s. He gave a sermon about how life is like waiting for death. People have stopped Krogering.
The rabbi says it was for meaning. I think he gave his sermon because everything he says now is in sermon form. He has to stop changing the world, before another herring fiasco takes place.
 
They were throwing candy on the floor for Simchat Torah. It wasn’t even a Simcha and kids pants are gone. Ami filled up a garbage bag with candy. Wouldn't share it.
 
There was too much drinking on Simchat Torah. Ben, has been drinking a lot at shul, and denying it. That is when you know they are drunk. We just wanted the truth, as we noticed the bottles missing from the Kiddish room. He's denying it, saying he can drink a lot more, his hair is messed up, shirt is unbuttoned, got the tie off to the side, eyes glazed. 
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Happy Simchat Torah My congregants.

Don’t want to hear it???
Dancing to Kabbalat Shabbat? It’s too much. We’re not doing Kiruv... We're not bringing people closer to Torah here. The meaningful stuff must stop...
You dance on Simchat Torah. That's a designated time for dancing... I want to get home for Friday night dinner, Bernie... The dancing adds an extra fifteen minutes, with the Nay Nay Nays...
 
And we come to an end. What a Bracha… Moshe blesses… It wasn’t a ‘have a year of blessing.’ He puts thought into his blessings, Bernie. It’s not just ‘Shabbat Shalom uMvorach’… Dan was leaping from Bashan… That’s how you bless. You tell the truth. They messed up… Blessing for this congregation is ‘You should not be as annoying as the back left section.' That is my blessing to you, as we finish the Torah on this Simchat Torah. Don't be annoying like... And they're not even here. Are they drinking again?..
 
The great line is right here. (Devarim 33:4) ‘The Torah Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the congregation of Yakov’… I wouldn't call this a congregation... The back left section is out drinking all the time. They think Simchat Torah is a Kiddish club... Yakov. That’s Israel… No. We don’t call it Yakov, because nobody would fly to Yakov. It sounds like a messed up country. Not one Birthright trip would’ve went there… Schottenstein would not fund visiting Yakov for the first time… You don’t say it every morning, because you don't understand the heritage of the Torah. That is why we have to stop dancing on Friday night and start dancing tonight... It's Simchat Torah...
 
That’s the foundation of our connection with H’ at Sinai. It’s the Torah from Moshe... It's not cooking kids.
R’ Mordechai Gifter, as brought in Artscroll explains that an inheritance is belongs to people to use ‘as they please’... I know they passed away. You could've paid their dues... Your grandmother never paid dues. You could've paid them and held off on the vacation... Vacationing is not an inheritance... R' Gifter continues to say that a heritage is ‘the property of generations before and after; it is incumbent upon the heirs to preserve it intact’... That's why we are not selling the shul...
This shul is apparently an inheritance. I see how the back hallway is not preserved. The awning is disheveled... You use the money for stuff like a community quilt and that is what happens. The Torah is a heritage... Yes. You take it on vacation...
The shul has to be kept intact... It's not your inheritance. If it was, it would have the Milky Way in the ceiling... The shul will not be a planetarium... Herring is our heritage. Mr. Himelman was correct. You eat herring with crackers... 

(Devarim 33:5) H’ became King when we ‘the tribes of Israel were in unity.' What unifies us is dancing not on Friday night... We can’t chase away other Jews with messed up quilt wall hangings. It's about bringing people together. It's about hopping to Sukkahs together... We must preserve Gd's kingship. The Sukkah walk was great. Older people can't hop. That was the best program we ever had. It unified everybody, as we lost some of the teens... Teens were hopping and the people we want in the congregation were walking. That was unity... That made us a congregation. When we lost the teens...
You can't have unity when the Challah s placed all the way on the other side of the Sukkah... You wash inside and then can't talk to all the people you're passing on the way to the Challah... Nobody thinks it's the Challah. Fran knows you don't want to talk to her...
Unity is when single people meet. Simchat Torah is the perfect time... It's social, Bernie... We're not mixed dancing this year... The security guard did not help with unity... I don't think we will see Gd's Kingship in this congregation if Jews are not allowed in...
 
My bracha to the children is more candy.
More alcohol is not a blessing… Kingship doesn’t last around you holding a Torah all tipsy… Nobody wants to unify with you, Mark. Not when you're leaning on them, tell them how much you love them... You drank too much Mark...
The one handed Torah grab switch to the left was an impressive move… Your hagba was also impressive under the influence. But we are looking to preserve the Torah. Not to puke on it… It is our heritage, along with Airhead taffys... No. You can't do with it what you want... It's not going to Kiddish.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The rabbi gave his whole speech as a reading. It was more sentimental and solemn than usual. He read it from a paper and had excellent cadence. People said it was meaningful. 

It is clear that the kids had no idea it was Simchat Torah. They knew that there was candy. The taffy was gone. The little pellet gushers were gone. They didn’t hear the Torah. They were out during the reading of vZot HaBracha, eating the candy.
 
The security guard chased away the Jews. The security guard is not Jewish. I don't think anybody knows that.
A meeting was held to not have scary people staring down Jews when they enter shul. Because of this security guard, Jews are being blamed for being anti-Semitic. I believe the new security guard is an anti-Semite. He placed himself in the perfect position to be an anti-Semite. Jews are always going to shul. He can hate more people in a day.
Somebody had to explain to the guard on the next shift that many Jews have piercings too. The security guards now know that Jews can have tattoos, and Jews are sinners. That security guard should’ve realized that Jews are sinners the first Shabbat, when Sadie asked him to park her car.
 
Everybody left shul on Simchat Torah wanting to dance. I think they were too tired from Friday night dancing. And then, once they dealt with Mark and his drinking, and not finding herring crackers, people were not up for dancing in shul. COVID might have had something to do with it as well.
The herring was used for Simchat Torah, and the cousins that came to visit and dance for Simchat Torah are allergic to fish. I think that the whole fish thing on Simchat Torah had everybody down.
 
That was the first speech that has ever been given on Simchat Torah. Rabbi Mendelchem said, ‘It’s a Parsha. Should we forget it?’ That was his statement. The question mark denotes a statement.
He also said it with a high pitch. It was a very strong statement. And we lost members.
 
The rabbi’s plea for a Birthright trip did not happen. To this day, people are still amazed that Yakov and Yisrael are the same thing. The rabbi has had to give eighteen classes on how Yakov and Yisrael are the same person and the same nation. He also had to give Torah dancing classes, as the Jewish grapevine does not work with the two-handed Torah hold. People also didn't touch Torahs correctly on Simchat Torah morning, when they were doing the Walk in Torah Raise Bang. Herring eating was another course the rabbi had to give. Nobody in the shul can balance their herring correctly.
 
We may not have a Kiddish luncheon next Simchat Torah. Too much food was left on the floor. Mark spilled everything, as he fought his hangover with more alcohol. The kids left all their candy wrappers like a trail to Ami's bag of unshared candy. How they all got to Ami's bag that he wasn't sharing was amazing. I think Ami just left it there, like he did the lollipops he was licking and leaving all over the carpet. The rabbi stepped in cake. Spent the next two days showing everybody the bottom of his shoes with mousse on it.
 
Kiddish Club is still going out. That happened on Shabbat Chol Hamoed. The rabbi made an executive decision to stop services when they are out. They’re now taking a break when Kiddish Club goes out. Minyin stops when they go. The non-alcoholics play foosball. The rabbi also brought in an air hockey table.
This new plan got many people off alcohol. Especially the teenagers who used to join the Kiddish Club. I think they’re just drinking faster and then coming to play foosball.
Simchat Torah had some drunk kids running around. That was disturbing. The parents said, they want their child to enjoy the holiday or forget it.
 
Nobody met on Simchat Torah. It turns out that due to the rabbi’s sermons everywhere people couldn’t meet. He came into the hallway, where a shidduch was happening, and started talking about holy matrimony. I think he believes he’s a Jewish priest.
Everybody is becoming more religious now. The young couple who’s about to get married, isn’t touching anymore. She told him that she loves him and wants to be Shomer Negiah (not touching). Because it’s a meaningful relationship, she wants to be Shomer Negiah just with him. She has dated every other guy in the community. Only with him does she want to be Shomer Negiah. Ben is now looking at every guy in the community with contempt. It all happened because the rabbi gave a speech about saving the physical part of the relationship for marriage. He’s worried that if she still loves him when they get married that she will never touch him. He's given up. He started eating herring.
I think that whole sermon by the rabbi and the Shomer Negiah results is what got Ben drinking in the first place.
 
Kiddish setup is off. Got to put the challah near the door. I am surprised the people still don't get that. I am happy the rabbi dealt with that in one of his sermons. They placed the Challah on the other end of the Sukkah. So now, you have to walk past everybody, after cleaning your hands, dissing each person, not talking to them. That's why there is no unity.
I was gone for the first days of Sukkot and all goes haywire. One week and Kiddish setup is messed up already. I got involved in helping at Kiddish, because I couldn’t stand listening to the kids’ Anim Zmirot. Teach them the stuff beforehand. I feel like every Shabbat, we have to watch a Bar Mitzvah lesson. Then the toddlers opening the ark is another nightmare. These kids need to get down the strings. It's like watching the non-religious people on Yom Kippur in shul.

Herring is still the issue in the shul. As Mr. Himelman said, 'I didn't tell anybody I brought it, and I didn't sponsor Kiddish. But they should've smelled it.'
The shul now has cases of backup Tam Tams, just in case herring is on premises. 

We were not working, because of the holidays. We don't work on the holidays. It's our custom. We will not be funny for you during Sukkot at any point in time, as it is the holiday season and that is forbidden.
Somehow, not working on holidays gets everybody mad at you, even in our all Jewish office.
All staff at the Kibbitzer is angry at the other staff members right now. They're saying the other staff members are lazy, and that's why they're not working on the holidays that they are all keeping. Taking off for the holidays as a whole staff has caused a lot of anti-Semitism amongst the Jews. To minimize co-hatred of Jews in our office, all Kibbitzer staff has agreed to work Sundays. 

One staff member said we should write in the Sukkah. She was called a heretic, and the Jews hated her even more.
Due to nobody getting along, everybody is thinking of starting breakaway magazines, so that they can say that the other magazines are the ones they don't write for.

It was noted to us by our staff that we shouldn’t be writing this piece, as it is a holiday.

As Jews, we dance in a circle. That is our style. Now, with the holiday of Torah Happiness, we dance with a Torah in a circle. The Torah adding a whole new dimension to the circle. Over the years many styles of the Torah hold and Torah grab in circle form have developed.
As a student of different styles of Torah clutching in circle dance, I bring you some of the main Middle Circle Torah Lift Dances, including the Torah hug in a circle. I will not focus on outer-circle Torah dancing, as there is nothing more you can do in the outer-circle than blend in and get outshined by kids on your friends' shoulders.

Two Handed Torah Lift
A flashy move with the Torah. This is where you grab the bottom two handles of the Torah pole and lift the Torah, up and down. Similar to the ubiquitous supinated arm raise, this should always be done with two hands, as nobody wants to fast for 40 days.
The true goal of all Torah dancing is to not drop the Torah. If dropped, all have to fast for 40 days, or not eat during the day and gorge at night. This is why the most important people involved in the Torah dancing are the ones staring at the Torah lifters, praying in anxiety that they don't drop it.

The Torah Bang
Two people take their Torahs in the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air’ dance formation and then bring them towards the middle and have them touch. This can also be done with three or more people. If there are enough people, you can have a whole Torah mosh pit.
When Torah Banging, we do make it a point to not play heavy metal on Simchat Torah, as we do not want people falling or getting beaten up in the name of Simcha dancing. Nonetheless, there is a large community of Torah bangers out there.
I would personally suggest to be more gentle and to go for the Torah Touch dance. It does take more finesse, but it's not as violent. I have noticed that less injuries occur with the touch.

The One Hander
Similar to the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air,’ this is done with one hand. Taken out of the strong man competition, this feat of strength is usually done by circus performers and balancing acts that show up for Shacharit.

The Over the Shoulders Hold
You hold the Torah with one arm, placed over your shoulder, and then you place your other arm in the middle of the circle, with the other two to three people holding Torahs. It is kind of like the 'Hokie Pokie', but you leave your right arm in. You then go around in a circle, with your hands touching each other, because you are all playing for the same team. The team of Torah. This can also be done in the outside circle, by those who don't want to be noticed, but only if it is an ‘Arm on Shoulders’ circle.

The Supportive Torah Lift
You hold onto one of the Torah’s handles and then lift it while supporting the Torah scroll from the middle of the back. You are working as the lifter and the spotter in this dance. It's a double duty, but it has its rewards in the World to Come.

The Torah Hug
You go around in the circle and make sure the Torah doesn’t fall. You just walk around and hug it. It's the most intimate Torah dance, showing your love and affection for the Torah and Gd.
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The Torah Train
This is for the trailblazer who ventures their dancing out of the circle. I don't suggest this, until you've mastered the inner circle Torah dances and have created a following. Otherwise, it looks more like a trolly.
You surprise the crowd with this by chu-chuing the circle into the train. As the Torah hugger, you are not riding caboose. You are close to Gd and therefore you lead the train. Generally, you want to lead with a two-handed Torah grab, as the over the shoulder Torah hold will end up wacking the guy behind you in the face with the Etz HaChaims (the Torah scroll wooden pole handles).
 
Kid on Shoulder
If you don't have a Torah, you can still be noticed. The child is treated like a Torah. Think of their legs as Poles of Life Handles. 
Sometimes you will use one hand. Sometimes, you have two hands on their legs. I’ve seen parents not use any hands. These people are joining the dancing from the circus. That’s an act. These are the same people lifting Torahs with one hand.
I've seen parents toss their kids in the air. Nobody is worried about the parents dropping the kids. As long as it's not a Torah, nobody cares. Nobody is fasting for a child. 

The Walk Around with Kid on Shoulders
This is where you walk. That’s the dance. The fact that your child is on your shoulders is enough fun for them. There is no need to do any fancy footwork. Showing you're a parent will have people impressed enough.
If you are not part of a traveling circus, keep your hands on your child. I would also suggest to use your hands when carrying the Torah. The balancing on the nose Torah act will have the whole shul passing out of anxiety attacks.

Next time, we will deal with the fifty-inch circumference Sefardic Torah Dances, all consist of the atlas stone hug and placement back on the table. Leaving the Torah on the table is the key to walking out of dancing with a healthy back.
No matter the Torah you are dancing with, I will also prescribe a training program so that you can walk out of Simchat Torah being the talk of the town next year, with your Torah lifting and banging abilities.

​The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday.
Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool.
Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people:
 
Fly Tape
Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening.
 
Honey Bucket with Opening
As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah.
Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah.
The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own.

Christmas Lights
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me.

Fruit
Almost as good as Christmas lights.
Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it.
Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire.
 
Plastic Fruit
We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room.
Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.”
 
Gourds
I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff.
 
Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out
Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it.
 
Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project
You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration.
The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration.
 
Paper Chain
The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it.
The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet.
Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying.
 
Paper That Opens
Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up.
 
Tiki Torches
You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone.

7 Species of Israel
This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees.
 
No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire.