Is that worth two hundred dollars for Yom Kippur?! Two hundred dollars and you can't even enjoy the armrest. Until they create the double armrest separator, I'm not paying for High Holiday seats... And you wonder why none of them are happy.
Last year we talked about purchasing seats. This year we’re going to focus on saving money.
Don't buy prime cushion seating from the shul office this year. You're praying to Gd for a year of financial success. You don't want to start with a two-hundred-dollar seat debt. Two hundred dollars and you don't even get to take the chair home. It's a rip off. Best way to save money is to sit in the plastic section. Sit in the Plastic Chair Section The plastic section is for crowd overflow. Many of the people showing up to this section didn't think about purchasing Yom Kippur seats, making this the fiscally responsible way to spend the High Holidays. This section is full of people the congregation can't depend on to help or volunteer, again making this the right section for you. No shame in the plastic chair section. Keter chairs are quite comfortable. If you're sitting here, you probably didn’t pay dues. And you're probably not going to close on a decent commercial real estate property this Yom Kippur. That is fine. The savvy plastic sitter will act surprised when they walk into shul. Sitting in this section, you'll want to let people know that you had no idea that people purchase seats for the High Holidays. Advantages To the Plastic Section If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. That means giving other people less room, and you being happy. Hence, making for a more meaningful Yom Kippur. Being that you have seat moving ability, you might want to bring an ottoman for greater relaxation. The Kohens in the Temple must've had ottomans for the Musaf service. It's long. And the plastic chair is mobile. Let’s say you want to take a break. You're sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair. Yizkur comes and you're in the hallway looking classy with your portable sitting arrangement, while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than twelve hours, take your seat out back for some decent relaxation and a sunbathe. Don't Be Afraid to Move Your Chair Never feel left out. If you want to be part of the action, place your plastic chair in the aisle. There's always room in the aisle. Somebody at my shul thought ahead and brought a lawn chair. He placed it right in the middle aisle. Lots of room there not being used. They had to walk around him with the Torah, but that was fine. He saved tons on that High Holiday seat, and he was able to return it to Walmart after Yom Kippur. I sat next to him. It's kind of like moving up to the dugout section at a baseball game, if the stadium didn't provide seats and you had to carry a plastic chair to the expensive section. Great way to get better value for your dollar on Yom Kippur. No Names on Chairs Write your name on the chair. It's about class. Even though you may even be bringing the chair from your house, which the financially savvy do, you should still have it assigned to you. It's part of High Holiday tradition. Sharpies work great. Don't use magic markers. Sharpies are much better, and they also bring a bit more acclaim to your plastic chair. Know Your Hebrew Name That should be what is on your chair. You don't want your chair reading, "Max the Son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat." Stick Up for Yourself The plastic chair section can be a bit rough if you're not assertive. The guy in front of me last year set up his chair for his own needs. He showed up on time. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he had. He coughed and pushed the chair back at the same time. He kept inching it back. By the end of the reading of Sefer Yona, he had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. I was stuck doing the Mincha prayer on the balls of my feet. He was taking three full steps back, pacing during the prayers, and somehow I still got whacked in the face by the tassels when he was swinging on his Tallit (prayer shawl). Some shuls may offer portable cushioned chairs in the back section. Beware of these shuls. They may ask for a donation after the holidays. Better to sit on the floor than to fall for that bait and switch. I would also beware of doing any Mi SheBeyrach blessings for your family at these shuls. You think you're getting a deal; a free blessing for the family. Then, they spring the Tzedakah clause on you. Next thing you know, you're down eighteen dollars for caring about your family. If there is anything we learned, the plastic chair section is perfect for the thrifty Yom Kippur goer. Tags:
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Announcements
If you heard the Chazin this Shabbis, that is what it’s going to be like for the High Holidays. We, the board, want to apologize. Give the rabbi a break. A little space. When he's walking, please stop following him with questions. The rabbi has stated he will file for restraining orders against congregants who have too many questions. He would also like you to know that when he's walking on the treadmill at the JCC, he does not want to have conversation. Rosh Hashana Resolutions Our Members Should Make: I will not chew with my mouth open. I won’t eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. Selichot are this Saturday night. Maybe be a decent person. Maybe show up to Minyin. Maybe ask for forgiveness once in a while. Maybe mow your lawn and trim your hedges so the neighbors don’t hate you. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... To all those here. Much respect. It is Elul and it is the time to ask for forgiveness. With our Chazin, who takes way too long for everything, and this week being a double Parsha, the pain you are suffering should be an atonement. You've done a positive action for once... (Devarim 30:2-3) ‘And you will return to H’ your Gd and you will listen to His voice... And H’ will return your captive and have mercy...’ He will return us to Eretz Yisrael. We won’t have congregants following us everywhere. We’ll be redeemed from having to deal with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. We won’t have to deal with a Chazin who thinks it’s a good idea to do a two hour Selichot at midnight. We will be redeemed... Redemption would be great. I’m just looking for congregants to stop following me. First we return, then H' will return us to Israel. First you have to do an action... I can't do everything for your Shloimy. There is no intermediary between you and H'... I'm trying to get you to stop following me home from Shul with questions... Redemption comes after we return. You have to do something first. Then H' will help us. You have to put in a little effort, unlike the board who does nothing useful. You have to resolute. Maybe you can stop coming to me with annoying questions. Stop chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to sit next to you during Kiddish... H’ promises us we will do it... No, you haven’t repented. Hanging out at The Stop... Stop taking credit for hanging out with your buddies and drinking. That's not Teshuva. You have to put in some effort. Unlike the effort you put into showing up to shul on time. The effort you put into prepping for football games. Why you have the Bills Rams colors on you...You’re not even going to the game. You live nowhere near LA. Do you dress up to bother your wife?! Rosh Hashana is coming... Yes. I’m talking about Teshuva. I’m not talking about who you should pick for the game. You don’t come to shul to pray for a fantasy win... It’s going to be a painful holidays with the Chazin. Having to hear him should be our atonement. (Devarim 30:6) ‘H’ your Gd will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, to love H’ your Gd, with all your heart and all your soul, that you may live.' You don't decide if you live... You decide if you do Teshuva. You decide if you're going to bother me on the treadmill. You decide if you're going to bet on a game... Make it good. Circumcision is done by Gd. You have to show Him love and try to not be annoying… Maybe decide to show up to Minyin on time. Maybe share your armrest. Circumcise a bit of your armrest, to share it… Ibn Ezra teaches that the circumcision of the heart is that Gd will remove the spiritual impediments that get in the way of full repentance. Like congregants and Bernie... H’ will assist us. After we put in some effort and return. If we don't mess up the services, He will help us get out... You have to do for yourself. Stop following me. I can't get two minutes of a Shpatzir without somebody attacking me from the side with questions about the new chapel project... Let me walk. I need a circumcision so I can walk without getting harassed by a congregant.. ‘That you may live.’ Are we truly living here? Are you living when you pick a running back and they get injured in the first quarter?!… Are you living if Sam and Bayla are chewing next to you… Teshuva helps you live. And you need to be strong to do Teshuva. Michel can’t even do Hagba. The problem is you don’t believe. (Devarim 31:6) ‘Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid and don’t be broken from before them, for H’ your Gd, He that goes with you, will not release you and will not forsake you.’ You need a bit of belief in Gd. You have to know that He is there to circumcise you… Yes. Even after the eighth day Gd can circumcise us again… If we know Gd is there, we can be courageous and strong. We know that there will be a day where we can walk to shul without being harassed with questions about Selichot and how long Davening will be this Rosh Hashana. A day where congregants will understand that they have to show up on the second day to hear Shofar. Congregants that are smart enough to know you don’t blow on Shabbat. A day where you don’t have to answer questions about which tuna is more environmentally sound… That’s why you’re weak and you can’t do it. You have no belief. You think that you’ll be lost without a whole row to yourself. You’re too weak to share… I saw you lose the elbow fight last Sukkot... Being strong and courageous. You don’t show your strength by elbowing the guy next to you in the chest and knocking him off his chair... You have to open up the seats for other people on the High Holidays. You need to be circumcised again. Either that, or we’re going to get pews… Israel doesn’t have enough space for people to not share. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always talks about Teshuva, repentance, on Shabbat before Rosh Hashana. The resolution message is very good. Rachel needs to hear it. She has to resolute to not talk during Davening, and to be less annoying. I think another resolution our congregation can do is to only tell decent jokes this year. The amount of time I have been stuck listening to bad jokes by Merv, it’s not right. The ‘change’ message was very good. Just change. That was the rabbi’s message to the congregants. I believe he said ‘don’t be you’ at some point. I believe that was the most important message for Sam. The message of effort went nowhere. Nobody in the shul puts in any effort. The Machzorim (High Holiday Siddurs) on Rosh Hashana were in storage. Nobody put them out. People had to go to storage during Rosh Hashana services to find the box and take a Machzor. We had people that had never been in shul before treasure-hunting prayer books in the dark. Then, they couldn’t find the key. So, random people we never saw at shul before broke down the door. I believe the rabbi's idea of redemption is not having to see congregants. The resolution ideas to resolute went nowhere. They still carry around disgusting smelling food. And they all chew so loud. With the way they hum while they eat, it’s like a wind-instrument section. You can't sit next to any of the congregants at Kiddish. And I know there will be armrest fights again at shul this Yom Kippur. The way they fight over the armrests. One turned from elbowing into a full-on wrestling match. Himelstein ended up pulling the chair out of the bolts and slamming the other guy with it. The way the fight continued was 'you only come once a year.' And then the other responded, 'That's why the rabbi likes me.' Most of the men are not used to sharing seats. They still put their stuff on every seat in the row, to ensure nobody sits next to them. One seat is there for the guy’s glasses. The Stop is a hangout for mid to late twenties. A parent opened it and figured that the clientele would get the message to stop. They were used to telling their children to stop. I know this, because they’re always yelling at their kids in shul. They figured that telling their clientele to stop before they came into the establishment would get across the message that whatever they’re doing is wrong. Anything they’re doing. They truly follow the rabbi. I saw a woman Follow him all the way to shul. I have never seen the rabbi walk so fast. Yet, she kept up with him. Her Yenta abilities are amazing. They even allow her to speed walk. She went two miles out of her way. The congregants are willing to walk an extra two miles just to share their complaints. One went on for forty five minutes about the new faucet in the bathroom, and how the handle isn’t long enough for them. One congregant followed the rabbi eight miles to ask him if she bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't know how you run up to somebody on a treadmill. But they do it. The rabbi put out a restraining order on all congregants. He is finally able to go to the JCC and get a decent workout in. The rabbi has put out stay away orders to the congregants. However, that just sounded rude. So, the board left it at restraining orders. Now the rabbi has his job in perpetuity. The shul will never fire the rabbi. They’re too afraid that he’ll sue for harassment. The Chazin was painful. I am very much with the rabbi. They care about football. The members come to shul to pray for a fantasy win. This past Shabbis, the rabbi got no questions about the High Holiday services. All questions were 'who's going to win week one?' A good dozen members asked if they should pick the Jets. Mark has a Bills cape. Like he's the team superhero fan. We live nowhere near Buffalo. One of our members is going for Smicha, rabbinic ordination, now. They're looking to become a community rabbi. They asked our rabbi if they should study psychology and counseling. The rabbi suggested that he study scouting reports. That is useful. Tags:
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Remember to not vow, as you will not follow through on any of these. (Photo: Getty Images)
It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.
The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying I will not eat chocolate. I will not chew with my mouth open. I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here. I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe. I will appreciate other people more. I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them. I will be honest in business. I will get ripped off by everybody. I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. I will not make vows. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground. It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate. I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva. I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again. The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money... I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise. I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise. I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it. I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right. I will learn what "Amen" means. I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida. I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie. I will learn more Torah. I will do it if You give me more money. If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate. Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long. I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter. I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays. I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now. If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody. I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one. I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur. Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it. Tags:
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Remember to not vow, as you will not follow through on any of these. (Photo: Getty Images)
Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tavo9/3/2023 
Announcements
You can't just take over the shul and every Kavod you want. This announcement is meant for Shloimy. You can't take over the Amud and start leading. There are mourners. They have a Chiyuvs. That means, they lead prayers. Not Shloimy. From now on, people have to be asked to do Kibudim, honors. People cannot honor themselves and say they were honored. Being honored is when somebody else honors you. If you're blowing the shofar, please practice. People can't help but to laugh at a bad shofar blow. It sounds like you're sitting behind Bernie and he's bending. And Bernie should not bend in shul. If somebody wants to take a Kavod, here are Kavods you can take: Helping set up Kiddish. Cleaning the shul before Shabbis. Being one of the first ten at Minyin. Visiting the sick during your free time. Mow the shul’s lawn. Paying your dues on time. That's a Kavod most members of the shul have not taken yet. Selichot are coming up next Saturday night. The Chazin will be doing his thing. You'll want to avoid shul from midnight till 1:30am. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. You bring your first fruits to Jerusalem... I understand your neighbors are important. You can make them a fruit basket… Your first fruits go to Jerusalem... And you have to give Maaser too. I know it's painful to tithe. The office hasn’t received your money for a chair this Yom Kippur… You don't make random decisions and just take the food like you took over Davening and the honor of opening the ark. There are rules… You only give a dollar to the Tzedakah box at shul. H’ wants more than that. (Devarim 26:13-15) After you tithe you say before H', 'I have removed the holy from the house, and I have given to the Levis, the convert, the orphan and the widow, like all You have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of the Mitzvot, and I have not forgotten...' You would have to lie, Shaindel... You don't keep the Mitzvot… Not Mark Levi. The tribe of Levi... I know Mark takes credit for everything and oversteps every Kavod in shul… It’s about first giving to others and appreciating.... Before H' means Jerusalem. Not Topeka. But you can say it in Netanya if you're stuck… I am not going to lie. Your shofar blowing needs work. You should be saying to H’, ‘I have transgressed practicing…’ Your blowing sounds funny. It's messed up... Of course we laugh. Not at you. At the Shofar being blown bad. It sounds like Bernie bending... Yes. You blew it. Then we ask H' to look upon us and bless us... You first have to do Mitzvahs. You first don’t don’t mess up. Maybe if you didn't sin all the time… I said nothing about Donald Trump... What does Trump have to do with first fruits and tithing… No. Stop blaming him for you having to give Tzedakah and tithing... Donald Trump does not have to bring Bikurim… You can't take from mourners. That doesn't lead to blessing. You would have to say, ‘I have transgressed the Mitzvot of taking away Shacharis from Tzvi.’ You took the Amida for Mincha... There were mourners... I know I was late. They weren't... You guys share nothing. The Anim Zemirot kids are bullies. And the ark opener… The kid is kindergarten. Your kid should share with the other five year old… They’re not Aveylim. They’re not mourning. They’re in nursery school. Share… You can't be the Gabai and the Chazin. You decided it should be you. If you give yourself it's not an honor. You have to be asked for it to be an honor... I know you give yourself a lot of Kavod… Shloimy. You kicked him off the Bima… They lost their dad. You don’t kick them off the stage for leading… He’s not a Chazin. He’s got a Chiyuv. And nobody likes when you lead Shloimy… Then why are you always leading?! You ask yourself. You walk around to your seat and ask you. Then you say yes… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody rolling with the ‘you blew it’ line. They just took over. The rabbi wasn't there and they took over. One guy sat in the rabbi's seat. I don't even think we need a Gabai. People just take Kavods. People take stuff. Pesukei Dzimra. Shacharit. Nobody asked them. They took it. Even when Shloimy isn’t there, somebody takes it. I don't think we need a Gabai. One guy went up for an Aliyah. No name. Wasn’t called. Just went up and did Barchu. One guy started teaching a class. One of the women took over the sisterhood. She has the bank account. Nobody else has access. It’s hers. She took it. One guy took a couch and started sleeping on it. One guy did a program in the parking lot. Started a BBQ on shul premises. Nobody needs to tell our members to take initiative. One guy took . And the Anim Zemirot. We have 7 year olds claiming their Kavod. The problem is nobody questions anything. They are that oblivious to tradition. One guy started reading the Qur'an. Some members thought it was a Torah commentary. That class went on for a month, before they realized the guy taking initiative was an imam. One guy took the rabbi's seat at Kiddish. Just sat there. Rabbi wasn't there. He took initiative and became rabbi for the day. Nobody said anything. They assumed the guy was the new rabbi. Nobody took the available Kavod of cleaning the sanctuary. Simcha said he would do it, but the shul wasn't willing to put up a plaque for his helping. Then the Gabai calls himself up. His job is to make sure people are called up. Then he calls himself up. The rabbi stopped him when he started to take the second Aliyah too. A whole letter was sent to every congregant to reiterate the message of giving other people Kavods. The message: You have to share Kibudim even when the rabbi is not around. It turns out nobody got the letter. And nobody wants to share. Sharing Anim Zemirot is not happening. People have to laugh at bad Shofar blowing. At Minyin this week, it sounded like the shofar blower let one rip. Sorry. I had to say it. After the blow one guy yelled ‘doorknob’ and started hitting his friend until he finished saying LDavid H’ Ori. Everything the rabbi says comes back to Trump. Anything about sinning, some of the congregants jump to Trump. One of the women forgot to pay the town school tax. She blamed Trump. Middle of rabbi’s sermon, she yelled out Trump. It’s a tick a lot of people in our congregation have developed. Anything that goes wrong, they yell Trump. The members never give more than a dollar to Tzedakah at shul. The Tzedakah box goes around, they can put in a 20. They’re taking back 19. I think they just give Tzedakah to get change. One of our members parks at a meter every Shabbis. It’s very embarrassing. The only day she wants to give Tzedakah is on Shabbis, when it’s forbidden. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXV9/1/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.
The JNF Tzedakah box. One of Israel’s artifacts. The foundation of Israel fundraising. The Jewish National Fund as been doing it for well over fifty years. They were already finding ways to extort money from your child in the first grade then... This is why kids were asking parents for money in the 40s too. (photo: collection of Avraham Goren- in the Forward
What your kid bought at the canteen when the camp gave them a tab. They did give your child the salad bar option. Yet, your child chose this... How your child came back from sports camp fifteen pounds heavier... Why camp cost you an extra 2K. How you went broke, sending your kid away for three weeks… What allowing a nine-year-old to have a tab can do. (photo: Incase/Flickr)
My First Lotto... They start the kids young in Israel. Get them hooked at three. We are not saying we support this. However, it helps the economy...
When you can't find a rock to put on the grave... Rav Kook's Yahrzeit and they’re leaving their building scraps… Recycling would be the proper thing to do. It should be for an Aliyas Nishama.
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Kadoorie Mekor Haim Synagogue in Porto on Yom Kippur... photograph was taken from a surveillance camera. Nobody wants to take credit for this picture, so they call it surveillance. At least we know now who didn't show up. (photo credit: CIP/CJP)
Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Teitzei8/27/2023
Announcements
High Holiday seats are for sale now. To get good ones, near the back of the shul, near the door, away from the rabbi and the Chazin, you should purchase them soon. The price on the seats next to quick escape routes will be going up soon. Warning: We have a new Chazin. Please don't sit next to anybody at daily Minyin. The regulars have complained that people are showing up to Minyin. The members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah don't like when people sit next to them. Do not move the watches and coats. Watches and coats need seats. So, please don't complain if you see a watch on a chair. There are chairs people and chairs for time pieces. Kaddish is off still. The sound coach made it worse. Now some of the members think they can sing. That is not good for anybody. The rabbi has ordained that from now on, Kaddish can only be chanted. Not sung. For good gas prices in the area, BJ's. They're the best. Bridge event will be taking place at shul this Sunday. The shul will finally be full. Even congregants are planning to show. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 22:1-3) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or sheep cast off and hide yourself from them; you shall return them... If your brother is not near you and you don't know him, then gather it into your house... and return it to him. And so shall you do for his donkey, and so shall you do for his clothing, and so shall you do for any lost article of your brother... and you shall not hide yourself.' You borrowed clothes from the shul clothes drive. Never gave them back, Rivki... You're hiding the clothes. We know it... I don't know how this guy doesn't know his brother. The donkey is not related. It's just that it's his donkey, so you help it... You should help a donkey too. I read the whole thing, because none of you help. You don't hide yourself from helping. From being useful. You don't hide. From giving Tzedakah, you don't hide. Unless if the guy needs the money. Then they start knocking on your door and showing up. From being on time to Minyin, you don't hide. From Melvin's extremely bad jokes, you don't hide... He needs somebody to tell them to. You don't hide?! You cross the street when members of the shul are coming... We know you see us... The way you guys hide from helping... Saying 'hello' is helpful. It helps people have a decent day. That's why you guys don't do it. I have seen you in the corner, Shmuel. Hiding behind a chair... You're sixty-three years old. It was like you were playing hide-and-seek from volunteering... You're sixty-three. Help. (Devarim 22:4) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or ox fall on the road and hide yourself from it; you shall stand it up with him.' Why the Torah needs to tell you to help. To not be a selfish... Commandments to help. Yes... I know it's scary. You don't help. I don't know why the donkeys and oxen... No. They didn't have cars then. If somebody needs help with a car. You help them... Yes. You stand it up. You should be working out... You're too weak to be helpful. At Kiddish, you've never taken out a soda. It's as if the two liter bottles are too heavy for you. And the seltzer... The seltzer is one liter... They're all volunteers. They all pay dues... Your watch is on the seat two down from you. You have to buy two seats for the High Holidays. If you don't want anybody sitting next to you, because you're not helpful and selfish, you have to buy two seats... Maybe your children would show up if you bought them seats. You buy them tickets to the Peacock games... Nobody on that team helps. They're the worst football team... If somebody lost their High Holiday seats, you return it to them... All Jews are brothers. If you see it that way, you'll help. You don't see each other as brothers... I know you hate your siblings... You can't hide from helping people. That's the point. You can't hide from saying hello... We see you turn your head. Then, when you do say 'Hi' to them, they don't like you... They say 'Hi' back because they're not jerks like you. They know you're only saying hi now because you want to make your way to the babka... Helping somebody play bridge. I don't know if that's a Mitzvah. Your Kaddish is helping nobody. It hurts. Hearing you mess it up hurts. That's not a Mitzvah... (Devarim 22:8) A man can't wear woman's clothing and woman can't wear a man's clothing... No. Sima is not wearing men's clothes. Her dress is just ugly. The pattern is messed up. I know it looks off... Yes. You would have to return that dress as well. If you found it on the side of the highway, like Sima did, you would have to return it to her... Even if it's ugly... Help. Every once in a while, be a useful individual. Rivka’s Rundown Now that was a good message. 'Help.' People in our congregation need to hear that. Some of the membership was shocked and complained to the board that the rabbi's message was offensive, and they should never be asked to help. Some of the members didn't show up to shul for a month after the sermon, in fear they'll be asked to volunteer. The whole sermon there was a kid screaming outside. Not one person got up to help them. It turns out they fell and broke their arm. Some congregants never come. They only make it for the High Holidays and bridge events. What they have in common? They only happen once a year, and Bernie never gives up his seat. More Jews showed up to the bridge tournament than shul. If we would just have a card game in the chapel, people would show up for Minyin. The membership truly only wants to know decent gas prices. That's why they come to shul. The office gets calls every day for where a decent place to get gas is. BJ's definitely has the best deal. They used to come for doctors. But now the doctors at shul are asking for copays to talk to them at Kiddish. I do pray the rabbi's new rule of chanting only holds up. The people can't hold a tune. I believe the song teacher quit the profession after working with out congregants. She said the congregants convinced her that she has no song teaching abilities. To quote, 'I can't even teach Bernie to hold a note for two seconds.' Some congregants speed through Kaddish, liken they're trying to lose the other mourners. It's not right. What people will do to not have to sit next to somebody else in our shul. The fact the board had to make the announcement to not sit next to people. You can't sit next to some of these older guys in the shul. It seems like each decade they add to their life, they take up another twelve feet of chair. This is why I'm against the new pews they're planning to put in the shul. Each person will take a bench. It will move from a 480 seat shul to a fifty seat shul. We should just have chairs spaced ten feet apart. They truly do take up rows. His hat has a seat too. I thought they were all selfish. You see a chair with a Kippah on it. But then who wants to sit next to Bernie. I don't want to talk about Sima's dress. Not the nicest thing. They just don't want to help. To quote Malki, 'If we all pay dues, why are we all the ones that have to work?! I'm going to start eating out. You don't have to volunteer at a restaurant. Restaurants are cheaper, and they clean up the place.' People are so not helpful in our community. Somebody was sick. They asked them to make chicken soup for the congregation. Pathetic. What our membership will do to not help. One guy started crying. He had a temper tantrum when the rabbi asked him to help put the Schach on the Sukkah last year. Putting out the Machzorim, people run. Just a meaningful Parsha. The holding onto it lesson was also meaningful. I think it's time I returned the Game Boy I borrowed when I was fifteen. Sometimes you need reminders. Tags:
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That's family bonding, charity, or animal cruelty. I can't tell you. (Photo: Learn to Fish on Yelp)
The Rambam gives us beautiful insight into how to give Tzedakah. This is found in the Mishnah Torah Laws of Gifts to the Poor 10:7-14. Let's delve.
Level 8: The giver is pained by the act of giving Who doesn't hate giving?! Known simply as Tzedakah, this is when you give charity. For instance, when somebody is in need, and you do a kind deed and give them money to help them out. When you take that money and give it, you feel a sharp pain in your shoulder, known as kindness. This also known as dues. Level 7: They give less than they should but does so cheerfully Of course they're cheerful, they're barely giving anything. They're saving money on this. This is when they come around with the Tzedakah box at shul and you put in a dollar. I've never seen anybody put more than a dollar into the Pushke box. Level 6: Gives after being solicited This is when you're stuck at a red light and a stranger knocks on your window. You're scared. To ward off the potential threat, you pull out a dollar and get them angrier. This is also when a stranger comes to your front door. You give them money in fear they'll break in. Then they see you have a wallet and you end up giving more. Level 5: Donor gives without being solicited This never happens. I've been on a member of congregations around the world. This has never happened. The closest thing to this is when you get a calendar for Rosh Hashanah, and you feel bad that these people have been chasing you for eighteen years. So, you give them Chai dollars. Eighteen dollars of generousness. You feel you've done your job in helping purchase a house for the homeless children in Israel. If it ever does happen, if somebody donates from their heart, you'll find out. There will be a plaque. Level 4: Recipient knows the donor but donor doesn't know recipient You'll know who you gave it to when you get nasty looks at shul for being cheap. Level 3: Donor knows the recipient but recipient doesn't know donor You give money and you're constantly asking yourself why this guy can't get a job. And then they end up pledging two-hundred dollars for Maftir. Level 2: Neither donor nor recipient knows the other Somebody else is stealing this money. Level 1: Donor gives recipient the wherewithal to be self-sustaining This is the highest level of charity, as you're not even giving charity. Hence, it's also the most beloved form of Tzedakah. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is not to give them the fish, but to teach them how to fish. You give them an activity to get their mind of the fact that they're broke. Help them escape from their messed up lives for a few minutes with something to do. Maybe they'll forget they're hungry. Nowhere does the Rambam say to give a lot of Tzedkah. He knows nobody will do that. Tithing is also not mentioned as a level here. He knows. The greatest level, which the Rambam doesn't mention, is when there is a building put up with your name on it. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shoftim8/21/2023
Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud. When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out. We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live. Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest. A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty. Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem... (Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time... Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around. Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe. He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it. You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading. Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is... Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse. Does your family need a third car?! You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it... No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah... Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick. (Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values. Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah... You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either. The Layner made me want to do a breath out... And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses. Donations... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards. He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate. The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means. The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud. Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish. I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat. The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again. The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot. Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon. It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.' I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy. Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out. Tags:
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This month we focused on puns solely by Rabbi Mendel.
Why did their pet follow Halacha? It was a Chukat. You get it? Kat. Cat. A Chok is a law. Chukat HaTorah means 'law of the Torah.' It was a cat that followed Halacha. For the pun to truly hit, it should be 'Chukkat.' We would’ve went with Chokat, but that isn’t correct Hebrew or the name of the Parsha. They counted the people to make census of it. You get it? Census. Sense. It makes sense to take a census. They took a census in the Parsha. Sometimes you have to use all five senses to make sense of a census. Tisha BAv is a sad day. That's why many people Daven early in mourning. You get it? Morning. Mourning. In the morning we do the Shacharit prayer. We left out the word 'the.' Correct grammar would kill the pun. If delivered by an Israeli, this pun sounds brilliant. Maybe try it with an Israeli accent. The day before Tisha BAv went very slow. It wasn't a fast day. You get it? Tisha BAv is a fast day, so it goes quickly. Fast meaning fast. Whereas the day before Tisha BAv is not a fast day, so it goes slow. You don't fast on slow days. He went to a speed dating event on Tu BAv. It went all night. Nobody slept. You get it? Speed is a drug. It also can cause insomnia. It can cause tremors. Don't do drugs. Some things are more important than jokes. Their pet took them to The Mountains and jumped from tree to tree. She wanted to show them the cat-skills. You get it? The Catskills. Cat skills. Pets do tricks there to show off their skills. Jews go to the Catskills in the summer. Most Jews don't have pets. It was visiting day. There are mountains in the Catskills. Just to be clear. They were jumping for joy when they heard it was time for gaga. You get it? Gaga is to be foolishly enthusiastic. They were playing gaga at camp. Lost the game, but they were overly excited. They went gaga for the game. The game was gaga. Two different gagas. Tags:
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I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend. Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night. Gold Trimming On The Cover Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this. Inside Should Look Old It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle. If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already. No English Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd. Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur. You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs. No Pictures on The Cover Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah. If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures. If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard. Kippahs on All Pictures Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form. Books Numbered by Daily Readings As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim. All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi. Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman. All Books Need Haskamas Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read. Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas. If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs. The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur. If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Re'eh8/13/2023
Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar. We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling. Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now. We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out. Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp. We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".' Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression... (Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.' Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game... Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous. We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership... With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face... Meat makes us happy. Exactly. Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird. You smiling without your beard looks scary... I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy. I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing... You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year... Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat. (Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".' There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids... You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left. Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No... The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks. Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy... Rivka’s Rundown The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple. They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem. I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him. The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years. Messed up Davening times. They're fools. The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa. 'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now. The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early. The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn. I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up. To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.' Tags:
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What the kids needed to survive Jewish summer camp. (photo: Incase-Flickr)
I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began. The First Canteens Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work. Canteens Are for Drinking Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens. People loved the new juice, as did cicadas. There Was an Issue In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.' They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza. The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. Kids complained about the walking. What Was in the Canteen At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched. Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history. And that is how we have the modern-day canteen. They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money. After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.' All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz. Tabs Got Bigger Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this. So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS. They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs. To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab. And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen. CONCLUSION And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day. 'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen. And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now. And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz. And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer. And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIV8/8/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.
Be it Yom HaAtzmaut or July 4th, the Degel Blanket is always comfortable. No greater way to show your support for Israel than the 1,500 thread count flag.
You can tell by the Kippah height, one of the relatives at that Bar Mitzvah is messing up Barchu. (mitzvahrabbi.com)
The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah... Something is off with this scene. Are they just killing people?! Does Caeser with his red shawl notice? Even he's a bit surprised there, looking around at the barbaric people. 'I just told them to take over the Temple. I didn't tell them stab the guy lighting the Menorah.' Either that, or he's trying very hard to protect the shawl. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
That's what the Bdeking before the wedding looks like. He's worried if that's his bride. He has no idea... I believe I heard him say, 'I'm going to get my parents fro this one. I can't believe they put me up to this.' (photo: Marc Israel Sellem)
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ekev8/6/2023
Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees. The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka. Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking. Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this... You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!! You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha. It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'. (Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery... It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks. You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd. You get an ego when you have sheep. You get an ego and you froget H'. You stop sponsoring Kiddish. You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat. The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'. I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans... Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah. The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd... Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response. You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?! Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out. If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah. Rivka’s Rundown I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog. After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two. By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul. What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis? I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober. Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees. I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good. The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues. What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced. Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel. By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish. The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.' Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima. Tags:
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Not one nonprofit does not know where you live. They will find you, just to send you a Rosh Hashana Calendar.
How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these. Change Your Number Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you. Change Your Address Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work. Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere. Change Your Last Name Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them. Lose Your Job People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account. Say You're Single That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness. Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out. Join Another Sect Chabad will still find you. Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money They will tell you that you still have to tithe. Go to Olam Haba My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation. They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues. I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you. The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money. Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews. Tags:
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Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love. Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy. Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles. For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama. Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew... Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying. They know what ugly is. There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules... They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other... You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas... H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas... Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding. Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord. (Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul... You see things... You hit on a young guy. And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub. It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there... No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan... They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now. Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.' These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now. They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her. Rivka’s Rundown I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish. Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there. I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine. They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes. One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal. It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her. Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her. To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you. Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage. We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community. It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people? Tags:
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Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.
Weird Looks During Davening Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis. For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.' People Worried About You That means leftovers. 'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food. And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge. Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home. Random Shidduchim Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester. You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea. Everybody Trying to Set You Up When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook. Awkward Moments With Aunts When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them. People Are Protective of their Children Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit. When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary. Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you. They Will Call You a Child A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur. I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty. They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot. Comments That Make No Sense 'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.' They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away. This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante. They Will Expect You To Help If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time. If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary. Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first. If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you. Sit at the Kids Table They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?! At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!! Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids. If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook. Tags:
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And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.
The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.' To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.' Tachnun Before Tisha BAv? It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis. Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur. What Do We Do? Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.' But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi. They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered. The Rabbi Explains In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given. Epilogue For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av. And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.' And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back. Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means. The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.' Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.' The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai. Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza. Tags:
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Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful. The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes. A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month. We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul. No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim... No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed... Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house. I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv... Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis. They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea. My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place... You're the reason for Tisha BAv... We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah. This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You. No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.' Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom. We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition. We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you... Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi. By the way. The rabbi loves grapes. Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three. There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.' All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger. That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie. 'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych. Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers. I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot. Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about. They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.' Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations. I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon. Tags:
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We are not sure if the painting is accurate, as there are no photographs of the siege and attacks on the Temples. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv: The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive. The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain. (Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy. Let's see what else happened. The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat. I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller. The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this. I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes. Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus. Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us. Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.' It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!' As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers. Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim. If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?! At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea. While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad. There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples. Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. Tags:
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The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah.(Painting: Francesco Hayez)
As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened: 1) Moshe broke the Luchot. He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons. Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful. 3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy. If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us. 4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple. There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude. There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart. Truly. It's the Chutzpah. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Matos-Masai7/16/2023
Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming up. Prepare for the Nine Days this week. Please don't cause anybody to speak Lashon Hara by saying something stupid. The rabbi would like to let the congregants know that they're the reason for the destruction. Also, no new clothes should be bought during this time. Don't do laundry. If everybody looked disheveled like Max, we would be better off as a people. The shul would like to apologize for the Ferkowitz Simcha. It was almost as bad as the Feigenbloom's wedding. We are just happy that it took place during the Three Weeks. The Shabbis Simcha was awful. It reminded us all about the destruction of the Temple, with stale Babka, a meatless choolante, and streamers. The redemption will not come with toothpicks in gefilte fish balls. Highlights from the annual meeting: Everybody shared their opinion. Books were left outside for the kid library for three days. Everybody passed them. All people at the meeting saw the books piled at the door. We just felt it is important to note that nobody bent to help. Keeping the shul clean wasn't brought up at the annual meeting. Nor was having a Minyin. People going to Minyin also passed the books and didn't pick them up. We want to thank all of our volunteers. You. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 31:11-14) They brought Moshe and Elazar the spoils of the Midianim, the captives and the animals... 'Moses was angry with the leaders of the army...' And they make another mistake. Moshe's like 'Not again... the sisterhood chipped the facade again...' Then don't decorate. Every time you decorate the Simcha hall it looks less happy... It looks like the destruction of the Temple... Why do we need streamers in the shul?! The shul doesn't need streamers. Don't come up with ideas. Your creativity is detrimental to service of Gd. Surprise!!! Moshe is not happy. 'But we thought we were doing the right thing.' And you even mess up vows... I hear a promise from you and I'm thinking 'I hope they don't keep that promise... Because when you keep promises the shul ends up with a whole library full of boxes that you dump at the back door, and streamers in gefilte fish balls... Bite-size gefilte fish balls are disgusting. Gefilte fish can be amazing. Tiny balls with a toothpick are... Your help is messed up... No ideas. Don't think. We have so much stuff. We don't need more spoils. Your books are spoiled. Your donation of the coat rack... We have a coat rack already. We have a whole coat room... You wanted to throw it out and not get taxed. And then you gave us your coats. You gave us your coat rack with your coats... The Salvation Army said no. Have you ever seen how angry your donations get me?! And your donations to the food cupboard. You get poor people mad... So many of you say stupid stuff and you never keep your promises. You said you were going to diet on New Year's... You have no dieted. There is no way that you have been dieting Mark. Promises are like vows. I would annul every one of your promises to the shul... Did you give your donation from the Yizkur Appeal?! Exactly. Right after Kol Nidrei, you lie... Annul it all. I would annul your memberships too. Why don't you vow to pick up the books that have been sitting at the front door for a week?! Why does Moshe get mad at the leaders? Rashi 'The transgression of a generation is dependent on its leaders. As they have the power to protest.' The shul has no leaders, so I get mad at everyone... What have the leaders done? Exactly. No leaders. Yes. Moshe is mad. He asks (Bamidbar 31:15) 'Did you let the females live?!' Who does that... They caused the Jews to sin. Always causing sin. It's the women... Of course, Moshe had his heart broke. They do it to all of us... You can make a difference. You can protest wrong. Not one person brought in the books. Fifty people at the annual meeting. Books still outside... It wasn't even a discussion. And you like to discuss stuff. You didn't even talk about it. Nobody brought up keeping the shul clean. Or Minyin. We haven't had a Minyin, and you're talking about the shul BBQ... No. You talked about the concept of cleaning. A metaphysical concept. Wasn't even discussed at the annual meeting. Instead, you discussed the new concept of Shul Storage... I know we can make a lot with self-storage in the shul. Instead of the 'please take your books and stuff back to your house bins' we charge people for throwing out their trash... Why does Moshe get mad? You do so many things wrong. If you would just listen to me. You don't even Kasher correctly. (Bamidbar 31:21-24) You pass it through the fire and 'you must be purified with the sprinkling water'... Yes. A Mikvah. I know it's disgusting to put it in the Mikvah after Shloimi dunked in it. When was the last time you showered... Even Max showers. That's why we built the Keli Mikvah... Why is Shloimi dunking himself in the Keli Mikvah? That's wrong... Yes. We can have cameras in the Keli Mikvah. How about we vow to talk about what is important in shul... Money. Exactly. This is why it's good that a father and husband can annul a vow... You make dumb decisions.... Maybe vow to smile. Yes. It's the Nine Days. Maybe if you smiled, we'd rebuild the Temple... This isn't the annual meeting. Your opinions just get your rabbi angry... They would definitely bother Moshe. Rivka’s Rundown I believe I heard the rabbi say he was going to annul everybody's membership. That would make for a happier atmosphere in shul. I think that everybody loves the shul BBQ. If we skipped Minyin on Shabbis mornings and just had a BBQ, more members would show. The books sat there for three at least three days. Might have been a week. We've turned the lost-and-found into a donation bin for stuff we're hoping to get rid of. It's a please take your stuff back bin. I know who donated it by who's happy when they pass the bin. They see their donations there and smile, and they leave it. The shul got new security cameras. I think it's to figure out who's leaving their trash at the shul. I'm telling you, these people just drop it at the door and run. It's a drop and run. I've seen some throw the stuff out of their car, in hopes that nobody sees them. I know it was the Smithstein family, when we saw the name tags of their eleven-year-old that grew out of the speedo for camp this summer. The shul as a storage space is a bit much. Though, we do need to figure out what to do with all the books, clothing and disheware. The dishware is wrong. If we just knew who it was, we would be able to tell if it was meat or dairy, or not kosher. Nobody trusts the Hashgacha in the Bergstein home. That's how you know if somebody is religious in the community. If they spit when they hear the Bergstein name. The Nine Days are truly enjoyed by our community. The congregants are very good at mourning. They never smile. The annual meeting was like a townhall. Everybody complained about cleanliness and nobody picked up the books. The books are probably still sitting there, and everybody is complaining about cleanliness. They didn't discuss cleanliness. They complained about it. And then they moved on to complaining about the building and who have they have to sit next to during the High Holidays. Everybody has an opinion. I thought we would be out of there, and then people started asking questions. Questions take a really long time. The new kids’ library is never clean. The parents never told their kids to clean up after themselves. That should be a vow kids take. 'I vow to clean up after myself.' The parents in our shul would annul that vow. They don't want their kids helping with anything in the shul. They want them to follow in the family tradition. I believe the message in the homes is: Don't clean up after yourself at shul. We paid dues three years ago. Somebody had the Chutzpah to ask the rabbi why he didn't pick up the books and bring them in. The rabbi explained that he was trying to teach them a lesson. The whole thanking the volunteers is getting annoying. They volunteer for the least helpful things. One guy volunteered to get an Aliyah and got mad when he didn't get a thank you note. Too much credit is given to these people for doing nothing. Nobody volunteered to pick up the books. Volunteer to cleanup. That's a volunteer. The cleaning service doesn't clean anything. They passed those books a few times. They thanked all the volunteers in the announcements with 'you.' They couldn't come up with anything other than 'you.' That was the activity they did as volunteers. They were them. I think rabbi proposed that Moshe was mad at women because a girl broke his heart. I get it. I can definitely tell you that Mark is not dieting. I've seen him at Kiddishes and Simchas. The Ferkowitzs got a bad rap. It's not their fault. Mark devoured all the pigs in blankets before they made it to the smorgasbord. Tags:
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The guy is just standing there, not even helping the other guy reach in. No Yashkoych. If he was carrying a second Torah, maybe... Posing for a picture. No Yashkoych. (Congregation Shaarey Zedek- Youtube How To Video... pull the string)
Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych. Who Deserves a Yashkoych If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you. Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him. Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs. Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych. Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five. Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better. Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit. One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round. The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first. I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul. Tags:
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They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. 
The Jerusalem Shofar carrying bag and water bottle. Perfect for when you need to blow the Shofar on a Tiyul. (saying something about a Shofar on a hike was where our creativity on this joke came to a halt)
Come out to see David Kilimnick in Rochester, NY. September 19th and 20th... Click on the picture for tickets
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/21/2023
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