Announcements
We have decided to change the Congregants on Patrol Security Force (CPSF) to a greeting committee. It has come to our attention that people are not scared of Eileen and Ethel. There are a lot of depressed people at shul. We figure, with the help of CPSF task force and less Davening, people will be happier. To help with this goal of happier people, we’re hoping Ira doesn’t show to shul anymore. The Kiddish cookies and egg salad are disgusting. Just want to let everybody know, your complaints have been heard, and Tova Bracha is not coming to shul anymore. We want to thank Joe for showing up to daily Minyin. We hope your presence has helped you get more plumbing work. Joe is a great plumber and he paid his membership dues. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Sakant Nifashot and The Importance In Being In Good Enough Shape to Walk to Work Security- Why Ethel May Not Scare an Intruder. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha- The Great Mitzvah to Be Happy And Why It's Important For the Rabbi to Not Have to See the Membership. How to Chase Members Away- The Result of Honest Feedback. How to Get Business By Showing Up to Shul- Our Funeral Director Who Belongs to Every Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Lech Lecha... No Martin. Leave for me. Leave shul for me... Avraham hears about Lot being taken captive and he goes in. Right away. He goes. He doesn’t think about. He doesn’t have a committee meeting... Because then Lot would’ve died. If the committee met about it, he would've died. (Bereishit 20:14) “And Avraham heard that his kinsman was taken captive, and he armed his disciples..." You guys could care less. When Mark was stuck in the bathroom, you all went home. Abandoned him. When Eugene was in the hospital, what did you do? Nothing... Who here thought to arm themselves and rescue him??? Health concerns is not the point here, Bernie. The point is he was in a bed with no Kosher food... He passed away from a, Bernie. And he was a hundred and three... You don't even think. You guys discuss stuff. But when do you take action?! Three hundred and eighteen “disciples who had been born his house.” He took them to battle. They didn’t complain. They weren’t congregants. They were disciples... I want disciples. People that are enjoyable to be around. When it comes to family you run. You do it. You don’t question if we have enough. It's our duty. It's our duty to help... Doing your kid's homework is your duty. That's how they get good grades... And the kids complain when you ask them to take out the trash. Only three hundred and eighteen... I didn’t say it was a Yeshiva. If he was a Yeshiva he would’ve made other people go to battle for him. Three hundred and eighteen. That's it. It’s not the numbers. It’s the quality. It’s the heart. Yes. We’ve lost a lot of our membership, because people don’t want to be around you, but where is the heart?! Heart comes from Avraham, their leader as well. (Bereishit 20:16) “And he returned all the possessions.” All the spoils. He didn't want anything for himself. He was on a mission... What have I gotten from this congregation? Tzaris. It was pure. It was of heart... Because they were disciples, they followed their leader. If they were congregants, they would've fired Avraham. Sometimes you just have to do. And to be inspired to help, you need heart. A pure heart. A heart that says, "I just want to do a Mitzvah"... In your case, Sheloh Lishma Bah Lishma. Just do it because you don't want to, and you might end up being a good person in the end... Our security team thinks a lot. They see somebody coming to shul. They ask questions. You're not helping the situation. You're making people late for Davening... Sometimes you have to act. When it’s serious, like Malkie pulling Freida’s hair, you jump in and act. And you give back the hair that was Freida’s... You don’t take it as spoils. You need ability too... That's just a side point. Our security team has a lot of heart. No idea what they’re doing, But a lot of heart... You need to be able to move to do security... Ethel. If people can run away, what is the help?!... Your hand shakes when you hold a gun. What is Eileen going to do in security??? Ask people about their kids? "Where are you from? Who are you visiting? What do you do for a living? Do you need a Shidduch?"... Are you trying to protect the single people from Chaim hitting on them?!... As greeters, it all makes sense. You should be a Greeter Task Force. The questions are nice questions. It makes the person feel cared for... Without Eileen, I would've said we're an unfriendly shul... From now on, our Congregants on Patrol Security Force will be there to make people feel welcome... Because the rest of you are depressed and not friendly. You're the least friendly people. Even our security person is nicer to talk to... People feel more welcome in our shul when they're being accused of being terrorists... You all are depressed. No smiles. CPSF will enforce smiling... Heart. Doing for others. Smiling for others. Thinking of others. They’ll also make sure Ira doesn’t talk to you... Talking is important, but not during Davening, Fran... And not during my speech Bernie. Talking should be done at Kiddish. Where people can't get a decent egg salad anymore. Here is the security idea. Keep out depressed people. Keep out congregants... It takes heart to smile. To fight the war against our unfriendly congregants... Eileen is fighting for friendliness. That's a worthwhile fight. We have to join her to help get rid of the shul's president... Davening is not the problem. You can be happy Davening. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha. It's a great Mitzvah to be happy... I understand it's hard when you have a Chazan leading Davening with too much Kavanah... Your connection to Gd through prayer takes too long for us. The tunes are bad enough. Now, you're concentrating on the words!... Just show up late, Ira. How about that. Just show for Kiddish. Everybody will be happier... And he's still talking. Talking in shul is not right, Ira... You all come to me with questions... And yes, I do answer them right away. Have I ever done research to help you get an answer? No. Because I want you to have an answer right away. And when Ira asked me if he should come to shul, I said "no." Right away. When the board asked if they should make a decision, I said "no." Right away... It doesn't make a difference. Any decision they make is bad... You come to me with questions, I answer them. You want to know, who's a good plumber. Use Joe. He shows up to Minyin. Joe is a good guy. SheLoh Lishma Ba Lishma... Don't judge. You’re not even doing Mitzvot for your own benefit... I get it. You come to Minyin to get a job... Don’t complain to me about Kiddish. I agree. I’m just happy less people want to stay after shul. The eggs and Danish are disgusting... Tova Bracha's eggs are disgusting. If she can't stand hearing it, that's on her. And Avraham wanted nothing for himself. He was a giver. He wanted people to be happy. That's what givers do. They jump up to help people. They take pride in their egg salad. They put a little garlic and mayonnaise in it... And we need to help people with decent Kiddishes and smiles. We need more giving to make people feel good. We need Eileen asking questions about their felonious past as single people. Avraham even gave Malchitzedek Mayser. He tithed his own stuff to Malchitzedek (Bereishit 14:20-24)... Pay your dues. For crying out sake... Jump in. Get that heart moving. Maybe even get some exercise. And when you are there. When you are battling, make sure it’s pure. Make sure you’re doing it for the right intentions. Make sure you're thinking of others when you're putting together the salads for Kiddish. And make sure they're not bland... As a giver, as somebody who does Mitzvahs, Avraham doesn’t deny others a decent Kiddish. When it's from the heart, you do. You do it for others. You sacrifice for your family. And you live a life of duty. You put your life on the line. You put together a good Kiddish spread... Our security team will not defend anybody at war. They will stay home and relax. For everybody's safety... Avraham was magnanimous in his act of going to battle. Just like a good Kiddish spread. Just like Eileen asking if you're a felon... Eileen and Ethel taking military action is not a good idea. CPSF has got to calm down. For everybody's safety... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi answers questions from the congregants right away. Like Avraham, running to save Lot. He does no research. He just answers them. No thought. Like Avraham, he's trying to get rid of the Reshaim, the evil people. The congregants. The rabbi wants disciples. Not congregants. He was talking about opening a Chabad for people who are against Chabad. He likes the idea of people following him, and not asking why he gets to show up late for Davening. How Kiddish is on par with Avraham going to battle to save Lot?! I am trying to understand that part of the sermon. Nonetheless, the message was very meaningful. In the end, the rabbi put the security team on Mitzvah patrol. He realizes Eileen and Ethel are talented at what they do. Now, if you don’t keep Mitzvahs or if you show up to shul late, they will nag you. They've decided to stick with the acronym, as it brings more of a philanthropic tone to what they are doing. CPSF sounds like they’re raising money for kids starving in Africa. I'm not going to lie. Eileen and Ethel as security officers scared me. And it was a committee decision. That's what happens when committees are put in charge of decisions. The ones running it end up making decisions. And those decisions are that they can do stuff. For some reason, they can do stuff nobody would ever hire them for. The rabbi stepped in with a Psak, and not having Ethel guard the shul was the correct Halachik thing to do. I’m happy about the new idea of having people around who can take security measures when they’re needed. Our congregational team of security people with yelling abilities didn't have me feeling safe. "PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK!!!" That was what we learned in the security course. I must say, CPSF did have one tricky move. Last week they got friendly with somebody who was trying out the shul. They followed that lady around all day, to make sure she wouldn't steal a Siddur. I've never seen such friendly people before. I guess they figured that they've chased away a lot of people with conversations during Kiddish. If a terrorist had to deal with the nagging, they would surrender of themselves. Possibly kill themselves, just to get out of the conversation about every single grandchild of Bernice. You use your strengths. At Kiddish security sat at table with our visitor, who made it clear she was from the other synagogue. Once we found out she was from another synagogue, questions of treason and imposter came up. They asked, "Why would anybody try out our synagogue?" Exactly. An excellent question, which I cannot answer. Once they found out the visitor was from another shul, they went back to being not friendly and ignoring her. Treating her like everybody else. The lady from the other shul pulled out her phone. CPSF got on that heinous act. Walkie talkies were going off, "She's got a phone." Now they’re helping with depression. And now I have to talk to Eileen every time I go to shul. Eileen has never said Hi to me once in her life, until she became the security person. Now she knows about my grandkids. Ira is a good guy. But I understand that people don't like to see him. It's weird. If you're part of the shul in-crowd and you're annoying, you're loved. If you're Ira and you show up to shul, and you ask if a seat is open, they hate you and want you ousted from the congregation. Ira has never been invited to anything. I'm beginning to think I'm in a community full of jerks. Jerks who are nice when they think you're going to attack them. For happiness reasons, the rabbi actually told people not to come to shul. He felt it would be a happier shul if people just didn’t show. It would be less depressing. To quote, "If the members of this place didn't show, I would find joy in that." “Cookies and egg salad at Kiddish are not good.” The sisterhood got the message, and Tova Bracha quit the sisterhood. B"H. The cookies at Kiddish are now good. And Latkas Bakery got the message too. They’re now charging the shul twice as much. Complaint from complainer was heard. B”H. I'm happy. And if Tova Bracha never does Kiddish again, I will be happier. Lesson: Complain about something and you will lose a congregant. The rabbi never used Joe, but he knows he’s an excellent plumber because he shows up to Minyin. Turns our Joe paid his dues on condition he gets the announcement about paying the dues. He only started wearing a Kippah two months ago, so that the membership would think he's honest. He saw our Bahai garage guy wearing a Kippah. That mechanic’s business shot up. Every Christian started using him. "We hate Jews, but we can trust them." A Kippah and shul membership gains trust. I’m going to tell my tailor to start wearing one. I’m starting to think she’s not cutting my clothes right. Our funeral director does belong to every shul. I'm amazed at how many people come to shul just to get work. And the rabbi supports it. It's the one thing the rabbi supports. He wants a Minyin no matter what. He even gave a speech about how back in the times of the Gemara the water drawers had their own Minyin. So, Minyin is really about business. Which is why people give very little Tzedakah at Minyin. In our shul, the most they give to charity is a dollar. You give more than that, you might walk out of Minyin without a job and down two dollars. Sometimes they give a ten, just because they need the change. They also took the water drawing lesson quite seriously and started doing the Netilat Yadaim, ritual washing, Halachikly correctly, using the full pitcher cups. Joe comes for plumbing jobs. Shirel comes to give haircuts. Thank Gd the rabbi hasn't allowed for haircuts in the sanctuary. I show up to shul to see my doctor. When I get seen at shul there's no copay. Tags:
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Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve. Let Rabbis Run the Army Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi, even if he makes decisions for religious Jews. They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again. Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree. Charedim are Great Soldiers They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen. Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers. They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries. And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare. And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF. I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country. National Guard You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy. National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier. Guard the Religious Sites Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came. A Shalom Peace Corps So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.” They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict. They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom. The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated. And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis. Educate People How to Protest Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday. You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize. Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute. Let Them Run the Mossad Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim. Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those. Warriors of H' Brigade A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that. The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis. Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible. Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved. Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second. Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help. Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them. I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter. Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans. Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Noach10/25/2025
Announcements
Winter is coming. We ask people stop coughing again. Samantha coughed the other day. She shouldn’t have. She was wrong for trying to kill everybody. She’s evil. If she ever sneezes, she belongs in Gehenim. People can come back to shul. The holidays are over. There will be no appeals. The shul has given up. We’re going to pray that the congregants at least pay dues. H’ Yishmor. Gd should protect us from our board and renovations. Many people have complained about the Grossmans’ family last week. They hosted the relatives, and the cousins didn’t bring gifts. We want to let everybody know that the Grossmans did give bags of stuff for you to give to their guests that were staying at your homes. That is considered a gift. You missed the Simcha last week. If you didn’t see it in the announcements, it wasn’t there. You missed the celebration. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Cough on People and Feel Fine About It - A Congregation With No Manners. The History of The Hidden Families Who Are Not Seen at Shul - The Hidden Jews of Appeals. What to Expect From Your Guests and The Torah Mitzvah of Hosting People to Get a Bottle of Wine. How To Miss a Simcha With Our Office Staff - A Series in More Announcements They Forgot. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We ruined the world, but Gd orders us to go back and work it... We’re descendants of Noach. And the board has ruined the shul... After being on the ark for a year, the land is dry and Noach is told to leave the ark. (Bereishit 8:16) H’ tells Noach, “Leave from the ark. You and your wife and your sons and your sons’ wives with you.” Sometimes we have to be told to go out. Leave... No. I mean it. Bernie. You are a disturbance. Every sermon, you talk. Leave... When you go from the ark, you have to take your wife with you. I think we all understand that Noach might have wanted to run from the kids. Those things can ruin a vacation. Having to deal with them on a ship for that long... H' had to make it clear to go from the ark. Noach knew what he had to do. H' told him. He had to leave the ark. Mitzvahs are easy. H' tells you what to do. You keep Shabbat... If you believe and are not a heretic like Gideon, it's easy. But when you all come to me with questions like, "Can I at least go on a little trip on Shabbis?" No. You can't. It's Shabbat. It's easy. When you're not trying to weasel your way out... Only thing complicated is the president of the board. You take direction from her and you're stuck asking what the... Shul is easy. You have an ark, an Aron. That's the command. A Bima... Your ideas ruining shul renovations. You're renovating quilts. Things aren't clear when you put your "personal touch" touch on it. Because you're selfish. The land was dry. Noach could've figured it out. It's dry, you can go outside. It wasn't Topeka in the fall. Why didn’t he just go outside?... It was a year. He was used to being inside. Have you seen the pale members of this shul? Been inside for two hours and this is how they look. We have to be told to go out. Children have to go outside sometimes, or they get chubby like the junior congregants... Paper football is not a way to keep in shape... You don't run in paper football. It's football with a paper towel... When we're stuck. We lose a sense of clarity. We have to be told. And this is why I am telling Bernie to leave... B"H. He let. Elokim is used here to tell Noach to leave. Elokim, Gd, in his aspect of judgment tells us to leave the ark. Sternness. We need a push. You get stuck. After more than a year of hardship and catastrophe what do you do? After a year of seeing how much renovations can kill a decent looking shul. How much damage a committee can do. You leave that place and you start anew... I am proposing to get out of here, because this place isn’t safe anymore. The committee has ruined the structure of the building... I don't trust Fran and Duvidel with decisions of construction... Duvidel ruined the Sukkah when he touched the screwdriver. He just touched the screwdriver and the Sukkah fell. Didn't even use the screwdriver. His being around tools breaks things... The foundation of our shul is compromised... I understand you've worked in foundations. But we are not asking donors to reinforce the concrete... Haamek Davar teaches that to leave the ark, it is the Elokim, Gd who created nature. Not just Gd of judgment. It is Gd who rules over nature. Gd's aspect of judgement created nature, because it needs order. It needs understanding. It needs people that are not part of our shul to run it right... We must outsource all committees. From now on, all shul committees will be outsourced to non-shul members... Creativity comes once we first have the sternness. We have to be told to work nature. Told to bring out the animals. When overcoming trauma, we need a little push. A promising push. And now that we're overcoming the board, I am giving a little push. We need a push. We need to be told it's fine to go... And be the ones to take out the animals. We need to be told to have compassion. When we are finally out in nature, we need compassion to continue it. We have to bring the animals with us... We have to follow in Gd’s ways. We are now told to come together. To not hurt one another. To not kill. The youth of our shul have to hear this. I have never seen such violent paper football... People have feared coughing since COVID. You need to be told you can cough. I shall say it. You can cough! Some of you haven’t coughed in years. You should all be thanking Samantha. Her Yom Kippur cough open the floodgates of COVID. You heard here cough and you started hacking away. Sneezes... All afraid of being deemed evil for sneezing. Now you sneeze... Thanks to Samantha for letting us know, it’s fine... All afraid of being evil and getting others sick. Shlomo sneezed in his mask. Disgusting Shlomo. Leave the mask... I for one am happy COVID is over. Cough deprived. Menachem held it in for 5 years. People haven't been able to chuch without being kicked out of shul. For years. We're here to tell you it's fine. Samantha did the Chesed of letting us know you can chuch... Loudest chuch I've ever heard. Five years of chuching. Now Merv can finally turn a page... He needs to chuch to get out the spittle, so he has the stickiness to turn the page. If I have to explain... Masks came off, all the sudden these people aged five years. In my shul that's twenty. You guys look twenty years older. You are being told. "Leave the mask"... You are leaving the masks uglier than I remember them. You guys look better when I can just see the eyes... Due to Samantha's Chesed and my telling you to leave, you can finally be kind again and visit the sick. Till now, the COVID protocol of Chesed was to stay away from the sick and let them die... If for nothing. Thank you, Samantha, for giving us that moment of relief. Even if the Finkelwitzs think you're evil for having allergies... And once the masks came off, one or two of you even smiled. Disturbing. But it was a relief. You can come to shul now. This is something you can do... I thought nobody came to shul for the holidays because you were worried about appeals. The shul is just full of bad Jews who don't show... I didn’t even do appeals this year... You still haven’t given your appeals from last year. Once you're out in the world, going to shul, you have to act right. You have to give a gift for meals. You go to a house, you give a gift so people don’t complain... A bottle of Manischewitz doesn't suffice... The big questions is, “Do you have to give a gift when crashing at somebody's home for a Simcha???” I have no idea how to answer that... They did you a favor, but they don't know you... I agree. The favor was for the Grossmans. Nobody knows their cousins from Ottawa. It’s on the Grossmans. It was their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah... It’s a Chutzpah for the shul to get involved. They didn’t even announce the Bat Mitzvah. It shouldn't have been in the announcements... However, the Grossmans didn’t even give one of those little paper bags... Henry. You have to give a little paper bag with handles. What you put in it is not important. A paper bag with handles and flimsy scrunchy paper... Yes. The flimsy scrunchy paper needs to be a color!!! We're not talking about the Finkelmans now... They did give you a gift. I know they came over for dinner and they gave you wine. A bottle of wine is a gift? Is it not?... It wasn't Manischewitz... Manischewitz peach wine?! That's better than wine. That suffices. That's value. They don't even make that anymore... How much do you need to spend on a gift? What do you expect? There is no end... I don't care if they bought it. Our board put up a quilt Sarah Malkah messed up and said it was valuable... They should've coughed on you. And stop going off on the Grossmans. Are they supposed to do renovations on your kitchen for hosting the mother’s sister?!... I am trying to help you all become decent people, but it is hard. Gd has compassion. He smells Noach’s offering and has compassion. Right after the flood, H' is compassionate. (Bereishit 8:21) Because we are bad from our childhood. “Man’s heart is evil from its youth.” Like the kids of our shul. H' realizes that the only way to deal with these evil people is to be compassionate. Again. We must follow in H's ways for this world to exist... H' would've been fine hosting without receiving a gift. It's called Hachnasat Orchim... Having guests is the Mitzvah. It's clear. Giving gifts is not clear. Hence, people don't want you as a guest, Bernie. Why is he back?! Chamas. Robbery. This is why H’ wanted to destroy the world. It was destroyed already. They didn't have compassion on each other. The world can't exist like this. You rob people of life. You rob people of coughing. You rob people of wanting to come to shul. You rob people of enjoying a good brisket at your home... Because you invite them to bring you schnapps... How do you enjoy yourself as a guest when you paid more than the what you're getting out of the meal... Enjoyment as a guest is a mathematical equation. You subtract the retail price of the gift from what you ate at the meal. If the cost of your guest is within ten dollars of what you ate, you got ripped off... There have been meals where I overstuffed myself, so that hosts could get the Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. If I paid forty dollars for a bottle of whiskey, I have to eat a lot of brisket and kugel. Otherwise, the host is going to Gehenim... Hachnasat Orchim is beautiful, but you people mess it up. You turn having guests into an Aveirah. Thank you for owning the fact that the board ruined another Simcha. Thank you for letting us know we missed out on another Kiddish, because the Grossman Bat Mitzvah was not in the announcements last week… It was a Bat Mitzvah. If it was a Bar Mitzvah, nobody would've wanted to be there. Do you really want to be at those things? Do you want to hear those kids Layn?... It’s better to not know. To have to listen to that kid messing up the Torah reading... Like the people in the time of Noach. You have brought down society. You make Simchas not enjoyable. Celebrations with you causes hatred and violence... Simchas don’t cause hatred and violence?! Did you see what happened to the Gabai when he called up the wrong uncle up for an Aliyah?! After we have the clarity of what to do, we need to do it with compassion. Push yourself out to the world. And when you’re there, have compassion. Don't bother your rabbi when he's trying to relax in his office with peach Manischewitz... Go out. Work a little. Do something decent. Be useful, unlike Katherine, who still hasn't coughed since COVID. Don’t eat the blood of people, like the board who are a bunch of parasites... How do you celebrate when you have a board? I want to apologize to the Grossmans. It takes acceptance. We have to accept people suck... I have given up on you doing what's right. On you being decent people. We need compassion. That's the lesson. With a membership like we have. With a board and renovation committee that let you down. The only way for us to continue is through compassion. My Bat Mitzvah from last week. We're proud of you. If you're still here. Get out there. Take a chance with these people who don't give gifts and don't pay dues. Invite them for dinner. They'll be bad conversation. Don't fear. You can't mess up more than our congregants. Take that screwdriver. No matter how many generations of messed up trauma and parents telling us we are Jews, we have to push ourselves out to have that confidence... Don't use the screwdriver on Shabbat. It's Muktzah... Just look at the kids of this shul. Issues. They have issues. And we have to have compassion... Without compassion you just want to hurt them... Rivka's Rundown After much convincing that the building won't collapse, even though Fran is in charge of construction, the rabbi allowed us to keep the shul. In his argument for a better world, and H' not destroying it, the rabbi talked of how it is forbidden for members of our shul to make decisions. Our members involved in anything is bad. I think that's what the rabbi was saying. That is the clear message from Gd in the Parsha. The rabbi started outsourcing everything. He outsourced the board to the church. He outsourced the building committee to what he said are builders. It turns out it was just nonJews, and a guy who knew immigrants. That no coughing announcement was crazy. The board is crazy. I think it was a committee decision. The shul still has a COVID Committee. It’s an alliteration so they think it’s a program. I am getting sick of the left-wing members. I want to be around right-wing people who are fine getting other people sick. I think the rabbi was telling the congregants it's fine to go out from the shul. It's fine to leave the shul. It's fine to not be members anymore. He wants them gone. The rabbi almost got fired for saying COVID is over. Some of the Jews had no idea what to do, without a cause that made them better than you. They needed a new cause. One or two defected, went to New York and joined a campaign to vote for Mamdani. People were thanking Samantha. Opened up the floodgates of COVID for everybody. We're just happy for Menachem, who's now allowed to finally cough in his house. After five years of no coughing and sneezing, he owes Samantha a thank you. The rabbi is correct though. The membership is a lot uglier with masks off. There is something to the niqab. If the singles in our shul went with that style when dating, they'd have Truth is the shul just gave up. They didn't even do a Yizkur appeal this year. They know nobody will give anything. Everybody’s given up. Even the fundraising committee has given up on fundraising. When a committee says they’re not going to meet, there’s a problem. These are people who have nothing to do. The committee is all they have. It's got to be a day of not wanting to bother the rabbi for them to give up. The fundraising committee hasn’t even paid their dues. Arguments as to what gifts are necessary from a guest has taken over the community discussion this week. Israel has not been mentioned once. I think our community is more worried about a bottle of alcohol than Israel. At least if they have to purchase it. And not one member of our community has ever brought a bottle of Sabra liqueur for a dinner. The lack of Israel support is almost as bad as their lack of support for shul. The board has decided that when you visit for a Shabbat dinner, you have to bring more than one bottle of wine. This is the Manischewitz Rule. Due to the worry that our members will go Manischewitz on gift cost, the two-bottle rule is there. When crashing at somebody’s house, you don’t have to bring anything. The Baalei SImcha do, as they're the ones who have the guests coming in from out of town for the Simcha. The conclusion is the community is doing the Baalei Simcha a favor. The family guests coming to town are Simcha bystanders. It's not their fault the girl is having a Bat Mitzvah. Expecting gifts is crazy. I don’t want anybody to bring anything. Just themselves. The Frum people say to bring nothing for dinner. They’re worried we’ll Treif up the kitchen With this whole gift discussion, I don't want to be a guest anymore. I'm going to start staying in hotels. It's cheaper. And I will make it a point to not tip them. Due to the rabbi not wanting the board to make a decision, because it will lead to disaster, the rabbi came up with Takana Gifts. When you're a guest, you can only give a gift up to ten dollars. This is the decree. Now people want to be guests again. And nobody wants to have guests. No more Hachnasat Orchim. It follows the idea of Takana weddings, where the families running the Simchas only pay up to forty dollars a head, and nobody wants to show, because they know the brisket will be dry. And they will skimp on the pigs-in-a-blanket. The idea is that now all Simchas cost less, and nobody comes. The true idea is to figure out a way for people to not want to be at these parties. Nobody likes them. They just want to go, smile for two minutes. Let the Chatan and Kalah know they were there. They want to hear that they don't have to give a gift. It's really about getting out of gifts. The rabbi is right. And in our shul, it's also about not wanting to see people. The Stuff That Our Announcements Missed class turned into a list of stuff they forgot to announce. High Holiday seats were forgot. The shul softball team tryouts were forgot, for the better. Danny's eightieth birthday. You don't miss an eightieth. You can miss a wedding. Not an eightieth. People here an eightieth and they get a warm feeling of love in their heart. They hear about a wedding and they're trying to figure out "how?!" And you don't announce it when it's a woman's eightieth. Very complicated what to do in that situation. You just celebrate. Call it a Bat Mitzvah. I am fine with them missing the announcements. There's too much celebrating. I like hearing when I missed a Simcha. There were a lot of chuchs in the class. The board called off Minyin, as there were worried somebody would catch COVID from a chuch. Tags:
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Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered. Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace. The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. It doesn’t seem a good way to continue Hamas. Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day. Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.” Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel. And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews. Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace. Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!” Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this." Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody." Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too. Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor. The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on. How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide. Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming. There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish. Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate. My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide. For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to. Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement. Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education. All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace." Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons, held in Israeli prisons hostages, has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime. Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people. And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia. And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe. Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City. Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.” UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize. Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel. And the Chardim are the reason for all of this. Tags:
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This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.
We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul. Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works... I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head. Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people. The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim. To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’ This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah. Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah. It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast. Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah. It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Bereishit10/19/2025
Announcements
No more playing in shul. It turns out that fun is very dangerous. Due to fun, Sara ended up in the hospital. We will thus be banning the Bouncy Bima for two weeks. It’s the beginning of the year. Bereishit. The first Parsha. Please don’t kill it for the congregation again. Do not do what you did last year. Be a different you for the rest of the shul. Just don’t be you. Simchat Torah was dedicated to the living hostages coming home. It was also dedicated to the soldiers and all of the victims of the terror attacks since October Seventh. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Injured at Junior Congregation- A Psychological Study of Children of Our Congregants at Play. How to Not Be You- The Art of Making Other People Happy. Simchat Torah and How Our Dancing Embarrassed a Nation. How to Forget Something Very Important and Then To Dedicate It The Next Week Because Your Board Got A Lot of Complaints. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Bereishit is about the beginning. In the beginning Gd did not create you. It was the Garden of Eden. Things were good... If He would've seen our membership right away, He would've destroyed the world before Noach. It's good we came around six thousand years later. It’s the first Parsha. Everything you did last year was wrong. It’s time for resolutions. Resolutions of you not to mess up again... You’ll be able to apologize for the new resolutions that you mess up, again this year, when the High Holidays come around next year. In the meantime, I pray that at least the Baal Koreh reads Bereishit right... You messed it up last year. The way you read it, I was starting to think that octopus was created on the third day. It was like you were reading "and the serpent was good"... Well, that's how your reading sounded... Nobody wants to hear about your vegetable patch in your backyard, Fran. Gd didn’t care for Kayns... Let’s talk about kids. Wild brothers. Kayn and Hevel. Now everybody listens. This speaks to you. You see the kids in our shul... Hundreds, mid-thirties, kindergarten. It was all the same back then... Kayn kills Hevel. I wouldn’t be surprised if something goes down at youth groups. Paper football is the cause of much violence... We're talking about Cain and Abel. But we're Jews, so we pronounce their names correctly. Menachem. (Bereishit 4:10) Gd asks Kayn, “What have you done?” Kayn throws off responsibility like any member of Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Plays dumb. "Oh. I don't know what happened to the ice machine"... Then who threw it out?! No fessers. Nobody fessses up... Like he didn't do it. Kayn then throws this line, (Bereishit 4:9) “Am I my brother’s watcher?!” Of course, this is after he killed him... Guarder is more correct than "keeper." I know "keeper" sounds cooler. But you are not cool. Watch you brother... You're not coole enough to not care. Nobody here cares about anybody else. Care about saving life at least. Can't even do guard duty at the front of the shul correctly... You let in Pinchas. He's annoying. What have you done? Ruining Shacharit for everybody... I thought we all knew Moishie walks real loud, getting in his steps in the back of the shul. Keep him out. We all have the responsibility to be decent to people. We can't disregard our responsibilities in this Olam. In this world, you're supposed to keep a Mitzvot, and a tidy home... There is a chance for Teshuva. Even if you work shul security and bring your kids to shul to run around the Bima. Kayn threw off the responsibility of guarding his brother. And Rashi teaches, when H’ asks “Where is your brother” it's in this soft tone to give Kayn a chance to do Teshuva. And he throws off that responsibility to repent too. At that point, what do you do? In our community, you don't invite him over for Friday night dinner. And that is rude... We have the responsibility to guard our community. To watch over it. To care for each other. And you all throw that off. Not very far. None of you have a decent arm. We saw that last summer, on the shul softball team. Couldn't even throw to home plate from the infield... What have you done? Like Kayn. You messed up the shul. I ask "what have you done" at every board meeting... He is cursed after he doesn’t take the blame. Again. We speak of responsibility. Take responsibility. For your kids especially. They’re crazy... Fran. You care more about the vegetable patch than your grandkids... "Am I the guarder of my children?" Yes. "Am I the watcher of my children?" Yes. "Am I watching too many series on Max?" Yes. It is now time to do Teshuva. We ask parents to watch their kids. A big ask. That won’t happen. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution... OK. A Bereishit Resolution to watch your kids. At least watch that they don't bother everybody else... Yes. They bother people. Your cute little kids? Nobody likes them... If it’s not a Bouncy Bima, why are they doing floor routines on it?! Simchat Torah cannot happen again. No more fun in shul. This Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Playhouse Funhouse is chasing away members and families... When kids aren't having fun because other kids are having fun... The kids are crazy. I saw tumbling in shul, a kid running across the Bima and the stage in front of the Aron, yelling out during announcements. And then I saw a commando crawl in front of the Aron. And that was one kid… It was your kid. He was yelling, "What's up, Doc?" Where does it say that in the Torah. No. Show me. Where does it say that in the Siddur. I want to know. Kayn didn't even say that... During announcements, the same kid re-apologized for the shul president and yelled, “He said he apologizes!!!” Between us, still people hate the president, and I can't stand him. Then your child stood on the chair and repeated, "He said he apologizes!!!" Be a dad…. How did you not see that. The whole shul saw it. You should apologize to the shul. Where are the parents!!! There's more. I saw a kid bouncing a ball during Layning. Other kids were throwing a ball during Ein Keylokeynu. I saw them playing over the Mechitzah, like it was a game of Newcomb. I saw three girls picking up their skirts. But I did not see that. Want to make that clear… The girl with the pink checkered jacket with matching purse was cute. Cutest thing we ever saw. Which is why kids are allowed in shul. I saw kids tumbling the aisle. Cartwheels. Followed by a somersault. I saw a kid running the back aisle. Doing laps… Probably gets it from Samantha who gets her steps in during Davening. Wait. Kids were yelling…. Crazy thing. They were all in shul. How? I do not know. Where are the parents!!! No Teshuva. No ownership. This is why we read Kohelet last Shabbat. Because this is what happens when there is... Why is this child up on here right now?! Where are the parents!!! You lose a sense of life and our duties and everything is Hevel, vanity, or kids going crazy... Other people cannot whack your child. So we will have a police force to sign off on our public servants enacting the law. They will parent for you… Like a Kibbutz. The great thing about Kibbutzes is that everybody parents your child. So it's legal to tell your child to shut up... Potching is allowed. We want to thank our police force for keeping kids quiet during Adon Olam. All parents have to sign that they can lock up your children if you want to bring them to shul. The document reads, "If my child's parent is incapable of shutting up my child during the Torah reading, my child will be sentenced to elementary school in prison." They got a child police person. Need these kids fearing lock up for them to behave. They now call the junior congregation service “the yard,” because it’s violent. One kid, a third grader got his head bashed by a Tonka, due to fun. Got to stop fun. Fun is dangerous. Where are the parents!!! Whenever there is fun, we must ask, "Where is your brother?" And your kids overreacted on Simchat Torah... It’s your fault they couldn’t handle the three pounds of candy in a responsible way... The dancing was for our people. Commemorating our nation. Our living nation. It was a resolution to live for our people. Still have no idea what Merv's dancing was about... First we must take ownership. Bereishit resolution... Yes. Another resolution. Rosh Hashana resolutions, you already messed up. Three weeks and you're already eating chocolate. The resolution this congregation needs is to change everything. Your kids... Not to adopt new ones. Just change your kids... And change the toddlers too. At least clean them. Disgusting little things. A resolution to not talk about your tomato patch. H' wants Teshuva... Yes, I'm talking in a soft voice. That's how you get people to do Teshuva... Teshuva cannot exist with justification... No justification for your children. This passive justification leads to Kayn becoming a "wanderer on earth" (Bereishit 4:12). When you shun responsibility. When you damage. When you don't fess up. You are a wanderer. Kind of like your kids who wander the halls and destroy the shul. Without ownership, our deeds remain wrong. You end up with a shul board. Let us take ownership so we don't become wanderers. Pay your dues. Fess. We need more fessing. Where is the Yad for the Torah? Who took it? Fess up. Rivka's Rundown People ran to Kiddish after the sermon. They thought the rabbi was saying to Fress. The congregation agrees. Hearing about Fran's vegetable patch is getting annoying. I am beginning to think our shul has a lot of board meetings. And it seems like they're doing nothing there, other than throwing away important stuff in the shul and not fessing. And it’s this lack of fessing that leads to softball team where everybody thinks they’re good. Boy, is that annoying. When they think they’re good and for some reason nobody can catch a ball. The rabbi dealt a lot with brothers. vZot HaBracha he talks of Zevulun and Yissachar. Here he speaks of brothers that don't get along. Our congregants like the Cain and Abel relationship more. To quote, "I see my kids, and I like to think they're kind of like those two." Why they couldn’t do two bulletins, one for vZot HaBracha and one for Bereishit. I think it's wrong. VZot HaBracha never gets its own thing. Just because it wasn't on Shabbis doesn't mean it's not a Parsha. VZot HaBracha deserves more credit. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe the shul should give it a little more of a shoutout in the announcements. Anyways, I hope the sermon got parents to accept that they suck. Nothing about Israel for Simchat Torah was mentioned. No announcement last week. That is usually how our office works. The announcements go, "We missed the Simcha last week. Wish the Grossmans a Mazel Tov on their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. We hope people showed up. We also missed the Israeli Parade of Support. But we support it now. Walk around the block for Israel if you can." Did the rabbi ban Simchat Torah next year because of little Brenda and Barry pulling hair during Adon Olam? I don't know how Kayn messed up the shul. I think that was part of his message. I know the kids destroyed the hallways. The rabbi was hoping Bereishit would help make things good. A new start. But as he said, "There are still congregants." "No justification for your children." That hurt. Crazy kids in the shul. They are whacky. No question about that. The rabbi used safety and security to get everybody to agree that fun has to stop. You say safety and security nowadays, the shul has to do what you said. We have security in junior congregation. It turns out that when there's security, the kids focus better during the Chidon HaTorah quiz. We also implemented the cop presence at playgroups. Which has led to less biting and more sharing of the huge non-eatable LEGO bricks. The rabbi proposed somebody watch the parents. The security watched the parents. It turns out, the parents don’t watch the kids. The security team reported back that they watched the parents not watching the kids. I've never seen so many parents in support of their kids going to the state penitentiary. Everybody cheered for the police force. A bunch of left-wingers who are against locking people up, unless if their kids who make noise in shul. But they're still worried about their kids eating candy. I don't know if the locking up of children who talk during Torah reading is enforceable. Even so, the bylaws were written into shul policy, and police have thrown some of the children and parents out of shul. We have brought it to city council and city court. They are still discussing whether biting in playgroups and jumping on the Bima during Adon Olam are criminal offenses. And then there was a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat Bereishit. The amount of candy is crazy. Now the kids got more candy. These parents don't want their kids eating the candy, yet the kids are loading up bags. I have a feeling these parents are using it for Halloween. Parents are stashing the candy, saving money on the Laffy Taffy. Then they give it out on Halloween. That's why Simchat Torah gets so many people showing up. Save on the Walmart trip. The Bar Mitzvah wasn't mentioned in the announcements. They might announce it for Parshat Noach. "You missed the Bar Mitzvah last week. If you want more candy, show up to the Lefkowitz home for Halloween. They will have Kosher candy." It's hard giving a Drasha in a Frum shul. The rabbi can’t even say the words of the prayers. “Keylokeynu.” I started picking up that when the rabbi uses a lot of Ks, he’s referencing Gd. You see how Frum I am. When I reference Gd, out of respect, I don’t write Gd. Tags:
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They were funny pioneers. They kept Kibbutzing. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kibbitzing means joking and banter. Kibbutzing is when people on the Kibbutz, the pioneers, do it. I came up with that. Thank you. They were interested in bacon, because they were Apikurious. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? An Apikores is a heretic. Epicurious is being interested in food and new dishes. If Torah interested them, they’d be Torahcurious. They wouldn't be curious in eating nonKosher food. Apikurious people also want to eat the food. The definition of Apikurious is not out there yet, so I have taken the liberty to define it. I would be curious to hear a differing opinion. The men declared that the Piyutim, liturgical poems, were for them. "Which is why they are called Hymns." (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Hims. Hymns. They sound the same. We call the hymns for Selichot, Piyutim. The women wanted to read Hyrs. But those don't exist. The men in that community should share the Hymns with the women, as they're for everybody. To give historical context. For the sake of peace and nonjudgmental living, homophones are for straight people too. This New Year has been going real well Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Thought I would share that. So far. Here it’s Shofar. It’s Rosh Hashana, and the guy had a lisp. And I’m also feeling good Shofar. I played poker against Satan's lawyer. I was playing devil's advocate. (Mordechai) You get it? The Satan is the devil. His lawyer advocates for him. You shouldn’t play poker with the devil's lawyer before Yom Kippur... It gets confusing. Is Mordechai the devil's advocate, or is the lawyer the advocate? Or are they both? I got a crazy citron this year. The guy selling it said it was an Etrogue. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? The citron is the Etrog we wave with the Lulav. It went rogue. It was on another table, doing its own thing. Hence, Etrogue. It went rogue. EtRogue. If Adam was president Chava would be the First Lady a second time. (Mordechai) You get it? First Lady. She was the first created lady. It’s a pun. A two word pun. That counts. We’re talking about Adam HaRishon. Greatest last name ever. Not Adam Cohen. Please note, we know this is not a real situation. This couldn’t happen. Chava and Adam HaRishon passed away a while ago. Adam only lived for around nine hundred years. Tags:
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Respect Muslim People for Peace Sake10/16/2025 
It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren. With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace. Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate. Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur. They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people. Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?! Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts. You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too. Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March. They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman. Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there. I truly respect the commitment of the religious. Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers. They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again." We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK. They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in. You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you. You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot." Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case. Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible. We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza. I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast. Tags:
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We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud. Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people. We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited. Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety. We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Chag Sameach My Pupils... Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form... We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again... How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar. Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas. They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money... (Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk... The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies... You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person. It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer... Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar. We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy... No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing. Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles... Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle. I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy. Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps... By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave. Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday... Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy. Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps... We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim. There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end... Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership... (Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do. A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it. And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids... H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people... H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility. Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it. May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance. If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora. If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation... Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!... And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too. And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon... You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck. Rivka's Rundown Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul. The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing. I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul. I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them. The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?! The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us. A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps. Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul. Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.” Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers. And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets. I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it. Candy violence has to stop in our shul. It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it. In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong. And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven. I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments. The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape. The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul. Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation. Tags:
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Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened. The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting. The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside." As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping." Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner. NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah. But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over. Sukkah Hopping Takes Off Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms. Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore. Sukkah Hopping Is Done Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion." What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change. The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love. And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by. Epilogue As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient. Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization. Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face. Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now. Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years. In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping. Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better. Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees. Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY. To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement. Tags:
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Please keep your Carlebach singing to a minimum. Since Yom Kippur there has been a lot of Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, due to the hatred of people for having to be in shul longer. So, please just say the words quickly, so that Jews can get out of shul and love each other. And do not add any NayNayNays to songs. NayNayNay is not a word. We will have a Kiddish in the Sukkah on the second day of Sukkot, and it will not have dried out pastry (like the stuff we now serve every Shabbat). We’re hoping the rain will bring some moistness to the Danish Sharon has been bringing lately. The board will not do renovations over Sukkot. Otherwise, we will be measuring the shul in handbreadths and elbows. Our contractor has been doing a bad job with measurements, even when using tape measures. He has a very weird handbreadth, and he has been listening to the board, which all leads to a messed-up foundation. The rabbi has declared that he will be choosing people’s Lulavs this year. There are safety concerns from last year with people who have no Lulav control. They will receive smaller Lulavs with rounded edges. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Injure People With Mitzvahs- Bernie’s Lulav and Why Nobody Sits Next To Him. How to Lose Every Member in Your Shul With A Tune That People Like- The Carlebach Method of Extended Prayer. How to Choose Really Bad Pastry- A Day of Shopping With Sharon at Latkes Bakery. Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... What provokes H’? It’s ignoring and snobbiness and people who sometimes say "Hi"... You greet people even when they're not popular. Even when they're not part of the committee that is messing up this building... I am saying you are not good people. Exactly. Annoying, snobby people who only say "Shalom" when you think you'll get something out of it. Shabbat Shalom. My Congregants... Yes. I am angry. Because you’re angry people. I am angry because you mess up everything. You are the worst congregants. The worst people. Shallow... And this leads to kids who don’t follow Torah. Like our youth group. We’re the only synagogue youth group for atheists... Our shul's chapter is called My Parents Raised Me to Hate My Religion... I don't know how National Torah Youth accepted our chapter. Kiruv, bringing people closer to Judaism, only works so much. I think the name is MPRMHMR. They acronymized it... When an acronym is impossible to say, I don't know if it's useful. The point is the problems come from ignoring. You all ignore Gd. You ignore people. You ignore kindness. And that is how you get junior congregation... Junior congregation where the blessings go, "Blessed be standing straight. Blessed be wearing clothes. Blessed be preparing men's steps..." No Gd. You can't say Amen to that, Bernie. Your grandkids are not Nachis... I have no idea what preparing steps consists of. I don't believe it has anything to do with the pacing Shalom is doing in the back of the shul right now. Will you please sit... Pacing bothers the sermon. Correct. As does ignoring... You ignore H’ (Devarim 32:18). You ignore me too. Ignoring people makes them angry. I would appreciate if you ignored me and didn't ask questions. But you still bother me with questions. (Devarim 32:19) H’ sees this and He will be provoked by the “anger of his sons and daughters.” The rabbis ask why daughters are included... Women should be included Bernie. Disgusting... You didn’t say it, but I saw your look... the general term for sons always includes everybody... That includes daughters too. Bernie. Daughters are part of everyone. They’re people Bernie... even before women’s rights... You provoke Gd’s anger when you pray to clothes and steps. Ramban teaches this has to do with the First Temple destruction where women were idol worshippers... Not everything about women is positive. They ignore. They definitely ignore Nachum. We all see that. They don't talk to him. The guy is still pathetic and single... Women's rights is about the negative things women do. It's about how they mess up everything, like men... It starts with ignoring. Something that women do to Nachum. And the would've ignored him in the First Temple, because his shoes are never polished. It's attitude. Ignoring leads to hate in your heart. Your snobbiness leads to hatred. Your selfishness leads to anger... I will say it is the sons and daughters. The family. The family that messes up shul with anger. Gets mad when Davening goes a little too long. (Devarim 32:20) Gd says, “And I will hide My face... for they are generation of reversals, children whose upbringing is not in them.” Because you all messed up. Anger leads to Gd hiding His face. And that is how you get our congregation... Because you raise the kids wrong. When they look at you in your anger and the dried our Danish, they want nothing to do with that. And how can you not be angry when the shul has a board?! A bunch of idiots, throwing out everything. Who throws out the shul’s history?! You threw Gd out of the shul... You threw out our original shul document from 200 years ago. You throw out history. That can only come from anger... You threw out the Mitzvot. You literally threw out the Melachot chart and the Chesed Kindness Mitzvah chart. And it is that throwing away that can only come from anger. Leading to kids like our youth who bless clothing the naked... They're blessing clothes and people getting in steps... Ignoring is what leads to H' hiding His face. Let’s not ignore the issues of our shul. Let us not be angry. But deal with the stuff that makes us angry, so we can have a Geula... Coming to shul makes us angry, because we have to see you... Now that Bernie is gone, let's deal with the other issues we have ignored. The other issues that hide Gd from this shul. Sam has now left. And Francine is not in the women's section right now. OK. We can now deal with girls not talking to Nachum... Where does the anger come from? Let us not ignore the issues. There's a lot of frustration in our shul. Yom Kippur Davening took more than three hours. A problem. Again. Causes anger. Faster Davening will bring Shalom. If we got in an eighteen-minute Yom Kippur Shacharit, there would be happiness. H's presence in our shul. Friday night Davening has to be quicker as well... You sung Yehi Shalom which is beautiful. It’s the kind of song that will get all the congregants mad... It takes too long. They come to shul because they want out. The Yehi Shalom brought the Kehillah together. All frustrated... At least you didn’t NayNayNay it. Mizmor LDavid gets at least one NayNay run-through. The only song that has a NayNayNay in its lyrics is Mizmor LDavid. A NayNay verse is there. Written in by Carlebach... You NayNayed the NayNay verse. Again. Anger... Because we ignore. We have anger. We will have a Sukkah Kiddish. There’s a Mitzvah to pay happy. vSmachta bChagecha. To be happy in the Chag. And that is where Gd is found. And the pastries the shul has been getting has gotten nobody happy… Yes. Happiness is found in food. Not in dried out Danish... Dried out Danish. It’s disgusting Sharon. With the Hamentash filling. Nobody likes it. Especially five days old… Of course, the bakery gives a deal on it. It’s disgusting. And the sponge cake. No Simcha in a sponge cake. They only put out the sponge cake at the weddings because the Temple was destroyed. We must bring a bit of mourning to our Simchas... Of course the sponge cake and Danish was eaten. It was the only thing they put out. Ever see the peanut butter squares with the crystalized peanut butter and then the chocolate on top. You don’t see them because they’re always gone… I know people eat the black and white cookies. Because there’s nothing else. All the other stuff is gone. So, they eat it at the end of Kiddish. Something finished at the end of Kiddish doesn’t constitute... You get to the Kiddish table five minutes in, you think all they're serving is black and white cookies today... You didn't know the Mitzvah to be happy on Chags because you threw out the Mitzvah chart. It's on the chart. You have to be happy on holidays, and you have to serve Green's Babka... Because it's amazing and it brings Simcha. Sharon. You're the head of the sisterhood. Delegate Kiddish. Delegate it to Little Debby. Great cakes. Moist... Nobody cares about preservatives. It tastes good. Don't ignore what tastes good. You ignore what tastes good, you ignore H'. And that means exile. H' doesn't want to be seen around dried up pastry... Flaky dough is fine... No. We don’t measure biblically anymore. Even if the rabbis say we must for the Sukkah... It’s not an excuse for Shul renovations. The renovations got people mad. Because you ignored decent ideas. Godly ideas given by your rabbi... Tables were placed in front of the pews. Great idea??? Allows for a place to put down the Siddur??? Now there is no room to stand. People can’t get into the row... You put the tables where people stand... Yes. People like to put their Siddurs down where they sit. If there is no room to sit... Tables in the Sukkah?! It's a pop-up Sukkah. A four by six Sukkah... Calm down with the tables. They don't fit. The community Sukkah seats three, without chairs. And now we have a messed-up foundation... The building too. Very messed up. When you ignore Gd, you end up with drywall that crumbles... When you renovate by throwing out tradition, you end up with a pop-up Sukkah... Gd is permanent. Some people need the rabbi to choose for them. You can't ignore safety. People get hit with a Lulav, they get mad, and it leads to idol worship... I will choose your Etrogs and Lulavs, to bring Simcha to your holiday. And to ensure safety. Rich. You get a small Lulav this year... You injured Merv and Pinchas with your Hodu Lulav swing last year... You should've turned around first to make sure nobody was there, when you pointed your Lulav straight out... You don't ignore safety. You point the Lulav up... Rich. Like you care. You don’t even know that the willow is the Arava... I know Arava sounds more like a myrtle. Hadas should be a willow. But it’s not... This is why I learn Halacha... Because you’re not big Lulav worthy. You also injured Faye last year. Your Lulav went through the Mechitzah and knocked out her eye... We can’t let this anger us. We have to deal with it. Make it good. Make our congregation good. Stop the cause of anger. Keep out Bernie and Francine. Bring Gd back into what we do. To not ignore Nachum. Maybe talk to him and let him know you're not attracted... Lulavs hitting me in the face causes anger... And this shall bring Gd back into our lives. Long Davening is a reason to be angry. I understand. And where are the Mitzavh charts... And the stars. Yes. The stickers. The star stickers. You put them on the Mitzvah chart. And happiness through better pastries to bring H' into our presence this Sukkot... Let us bring Gd into Sukkot without our membership. A reason to pray to Gd. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody yelling at Bernie for being a chauvanist. He said nothing. He just sat there. I didn’t know a look you got when you sneezed meant women don’t deserve the right to vote. We truly have the most heretical youth. They had a Halloween pumpkin carving event for Sukkot. A bunch of pagans. They didn’t even have a Sukkah hopping event. They had a Sukkah Treat event. For a shtick they called it Sook-or-Treat. It is messed up when you leave Gd out of blessings. Blessing steps??? "Blessed are steps." It makes no sense. I can understand why Gd is mad. You leave Him out, you ignore Him, and you start making blessings to counting how much you walk in shul. Now you're worshipping treadmills. From what I understand, the order is we ignore Gd, Gd hides Himself, girls ignore Nachum, we end up with children, and then the sisterhood picks up dried out Hamentash filled Danish. It's a rabbit hole. And then you start making blessings to what your trainer told you to do. There is a new thing in our shul where the president just throws out stuff. No questions. No thoughts about what is good for the shul, what is good for the structure of our shul. No thoughts of tradition. They threw out the Torah covers. Said it was an old towel with some guy's name who dedicated it in honor of his grandparents. No tradition in our shul anymore. Nothing has meaning. They threw out Merv's Yom Kippur lifetime seat reservation. He threw out a pole. A structural pole. The president thought it was tradition, as the pole has been there since the shul was founded. So, he threw it out. It's this new idea of "new is better." So, they're making everything of sheetrock. Nothing old is good. The rabbi feels awareness is important. He brought awareness to how awkward and alone Nachum is. A lot of ignoring and snobbiness in the shul. And Nachum can’t get a girl to pay attention to him. I believe the lesson the rabbi was giving was that it's fine to ignore Nachum if he scares you too. He's an old single guy. He scares people. The security team, headed by Ethel, agreed that for safety, you can ignore him. The shul came up with a NayNay quota. No more than two rounds of NayNayNaying for any service. We have the worst Kiddish food. This generation of Kiddishes is awful. That is one thing we can all agree on. One thing the board is behind as well. The rabbi gave a class on what makes a good pastry. And it all came down to anything not made at Latkas Bakery. The rabbi shot down the bakery, saying it's an illegitimate bakery, as he said, "Latkas aren’t a pastry." People have been now watching over dessert. They did the study. It turns out the rabbi is right. The Danish and black and whites only get finished at the end of Kiddish. I even saw plates filled with them. One bite and then they leave the rest. They said I can’t say blacks and whites anymore. I have to say black and white cookies. I apologize if my explanation of pastries is racist. I just understand that everybody likes the peanut butter chocolate squares. It turns out that the study showed that those got finished right away, and there was no leftovers on plates. And countless EpiPens were used as well. I really hope Sharon got the rabbi's message. Which was "believe in H' and don't ignore His amazing Danish. The fresh ones with cinnamon and chocolate." The most profound lesson of the sermon is that sponge cake is for mourning. I was always wondering why they have a non-moist dried out sponge cake in marble form at Simchas. It's to remember the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. They truly measured everything tiny, like idiots. Like they're building the shul as a one-person Sukkah. Walls are a handbreadth. That was a discussion at the board meeting. Nachum learned some Halacha, and he thus argued that like a Sukkah is fine with a handbreadth wall, the back of the shul Mechitzah counts as a wall. Now the back of the shul is fully open with one handbreadth jutting out. Nachum also said that the handbreadth Mechitzah is fine. The Frum membership will understand it's our religious duty if they know we measure it with handbreadths and cubits. The contractor is an idiot. The rabbi said he ruined everything by listening to our congregants. The rabbi blamed the contractor for the poor Yom Kippur appeal results. Nobody went with the rabbi's idea of him choosing Lulavs for people, due to safety concerns. They wanted a chance to figure out what would hurt other people the most. People took to the Lulavs, trying to figure out which one would cause the most damage. Bernie asked the rabbi, "Does a pointy Lulav hurt more, or a very sturdy hard one that you can swing?" The Lulav and Etrog choosing this year was way too much. We had people looking for hours to figure out which Etrog to get. They have no idea what makes a good Etrog. Marty was like, “This looks like a lemon.” Took him two hours to come to that conclusion and choose it. People Davened in the Sukkah. They said it is more structurally sound than the shul. To quote the rabbi, "The board had nothing to do with the Sukkah. So I trust it." In a sense, the rabbi was trying to not ignore Gd, by going back to tradition and letting the board now he hates them. The Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor class, was really just a board meeting. The rabbi gave the meeting that name. Tags:
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The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome. The First Sukkah Hoppers It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers. They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart. For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition. Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better. It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start. Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals. It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food. Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived. In Israel They Start to Hop First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers. Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets." Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress. The Walking Era People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop. In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms. Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie. Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes. Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir. Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah. Epilogue The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls. Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth. Tags:
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Many people know Sukkah songs. However, poetry adds depth. Poems make the holiday more meaningful. Here are a few poems I wrote in third grade, to bring spirituality to your Sukkot holiday.
Sukkah Hopping Sukkah hopping is hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah I hope we don't have to hop Thank Gd. If we did. I would stop And go back home I don't think I can hop a mile even when I'm not alone That's it?! All this Sukkah has is soup?! Now I know why we have to go to another Sukkah More candy?! From Sandy?! Is this Sukkot or Halloween Instead of a house, we're hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah Hoping for some ice cream We wouldn't have had to hop if just one Sukkah served a meal I don't want an orange peel People throw out the peel Or compost it Even with chocolate on it You will notice that I chose poetry over the report. The teacher said that for my report to do well I needed punctuation. You will also notice that we were hoping, not hopping, for ice cream. A little play on words, which I tried saying. It didn't work as well in oral form. When I recited this composition in third grade gym class, my fellow students asked what "hope" has to do with "hopping." I had to explain that it was a work of literature. Why Are We Sitting Out Here (I wrote this one in third grade about Sukkot - I was inspired) It's freezing- why are we outside I understand there is a cover you call Schach- but the cover has holes in it The chair is made of metal- where should I sit It's freezing- I said the chair is made of metal That's your forearm- who measures with a cubit If this is our home- I want out of this family For seven days I can do it- as long as we have brisket and hot pastrami It's still freezing and brisket tastes good inside too I truly love hot pastrami. I would've sat outside on the frozen chairs, in the uneven cubit Sukkah, for the hot pastrami. I got a bad grade on this poem. My Torah and Mishna teacher was not inspired by my words. I Love You Holiday Oh Shabbat How I love you Pesach, Sukkot You are the joy of every Jew Shavuot, Yom Kippur I love you too I love every day When we don’t have school Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, even though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ Wrong of her, as I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ Schoo and Jew rhyme. I believe that is quite clear. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing. We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur. We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus. (Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in... You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears... Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears... At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week... (Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room... Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me... We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it. You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!! These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it. Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing. LISTEN!!! Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous. Just ask for forgiveness. How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard... Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich. At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that. Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter... It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing. He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out... It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people... No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security... You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in. The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening... Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning... The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah... It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah... You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security… Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka. Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth... Rivka's Rundown The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands. The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old. Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear. The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything. If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house. I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here. The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up. So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing. Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those. I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count. They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up. I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul. I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me. I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul. There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there. By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep. Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah. The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit. And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XL9/26/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.
That is a huge toilet paper roll they had by the sink at the restaurant in Israel. Shwarma will do that to you.
That guy is still having the going out of business sale. He’s been now going out of business for forty-three years... He even has new going out of business stickers. I’m just happy his business is thriving, and that he can afford the new signage. And more years of going out of business. He should get many years of use out of those signs… That guy has made it a point to sit there till they close the store. He's been waiting there the whole time.
When Chinuch, child education, goes too far. Now there is no way I am buying any of those Shofars… Real cute until I’m spending 300nis on a fourth graders’ spittle. And the mom is fine with it. Because she’s not buying it. And that guy walking by was about to buy the Shofar… Nachis is your child shooting phlegm in a store and you not having to pay.
Somehow, I put on weight last Yom Kippur. I find that I get fatter on fasts... I have to slow down the intake of my whole kitchen before and after the fast. And that was the first course. Then we brought out the leftover shwarma and pargiot, and Kugels. Then doubled up on the croutons. Plane croutons, just in case we starve over the next few hours. And we didn't clean up, as that takes away from pre-fast eating time. The not being able to eat for a day scares me. I’m always worried the rabbis will throw another Yom Kippur on us. Tzom Gedaliah truly has me worried.
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He's got the job next year... The arm spread is a little extra. Not necessary. It might help with the reach of his voice. Not sure.
The High Holidays are here and it's your time to shine as the Chazin. Known as the cantor, we are going to call you the Chazin. If you don't know what a Chazin is, you don't know what a cantor is.
Before we get started, don't be discouraged. You don’t need a good voice to be a Chazin. That has been proven by who my shul chooses to lead services every week. Nonetheless, a good voice can put you in the one-percenters of Chazins that people like. No matter your abilities, you want to lead Yom Kippur services and look good. Here are some techniques you must employ. The One Note Technique Get all the words into one note. When they wrote the Tefillahs, they didn't have tunes. Hence, it is your job to pick a tune that was not meant for the repetition of the Amidah. The Levites weren't singing the melodies from the early two-thousands in the Temple. The rabbis didn't have the tune of vZakayni in mind when they wrote Naartizcha 1500 years ago. You've got to get every word of Kedusha into that note. Though incompatible, it must fit in that semibreve. Not easy, but a seasoned Chazin can do it. It takes much practice to master this. It's preferable to first work on a twenty second Shofar blast. Once you have that down, you might be able to do Kedusha correctly with the note from vZakayni. The Long Note Hold Hold a note for real long. Don't stop. Do not end the word. Keep it going. If you pass out, the congregation will be on their feet, applauding. This technique should be used at the end of every prayer. Hence, adding to the length of the service itself. That will get you the money. Nobody is paying ten thousand dollars to a Chazin who's finishing the services in three hours. The Tune that Doesn't Fit I reiterate. Very important to never give up on a tune. Especially when the tune doesn't work with the words. You pick your tune and commit to it. If you truly want it, vChol Maaminim will work. The Throat Clear You clear the throat, they know it's real. Chuch that. Get out a decent sized phlegm wad. A Chazin has to let the congregants know he's about to start. A huge bit of mucus will have them ready for Kol Nidrei. When they hear that Chuch with the wad, they'll know a real Chazin is about to start. The Tune Everybody Knows They will all get into it. Know this in advance. Before making the decision to sing a song they know, understand that you will have to listen to them. They all think they're the Chazin when they know the tune. They will pay six-hundred for the seat, just to drown you out. They all think they have a good voice. When you're singing in a group, all the badness unifies into one. And thus we have what is known as congregations. If you're up for a lot of off tune harmonizing, this is the time to pull the song everybody knows. Second Warning: Only do this if you can handle it. I've seen Chazins give up right in the middle of the Torah ceremony. They started singing, the Cantor turned around and said, "I can't handle this. I have no idea what you are all doing on the left side of the shul. I thought we were supposed to be singing 'Etz Chayim Hi.' I'm out of here. I'm going somewhere where the congregants don't know the songs." Davening Extension Extend everything. The longer Davening goes, the holier the prayers are. Everybody knows this. And you get more pay. The extended Amidah is quite important as well. Do not let the rabbi beat you. Wait till the rabbi finishes, then take your three steps back. The Shema prayer. Go longer. And if the rabbi jump dances, you jump higher. NayNayNays work great for this. You can extend any prayer with a NayNayNay. You can get an extra couple hours out of Musaf with the employment of the NayNayNay Method. Note: The congregants will complain about the longer Davening. That is OK. This is what they're bringing you in for. They want something to complain about. The Kvetch Cry as much as you can in your Davening. The people connect to that. They also have to be in shul for fifteen hours on Yom Kippur. Cry when talking to people. They tell you how their kids are doing, cry and sing "Sunrise Sunset." Your job is to cry. You cry, you have job stability. You're the High Holidays Chazin. They pay you to cry for them. The congregants feel like they have a place in Olam Haba, the world to come, if their Chazin is crying. Wear a Huge Gown They like that. Huge gown and huge top hat. That's how you become famous. As Sadie Sarah Leah said last year, "I'm sure he had a good voice. His clothes were fifteen size too big on him." The Eye Close That looks like you're connecting to Gd. You close your eyes, it's spiritual, especially when you don't do anything. Just space out for a few minutes, and the congregants will understand that their Chazin is connecting to Gd. It also adds to the prayer length. Remember, anything that adds prayer length is good. Nobody asks questions of whether or not a Chazin is holy when he's sleeping on the job. Dramatic Pause Technique Quiet people. Anytime you make people feel like they did something wrong, you have power over them. And Chazin needs power. You quiet people with silence. Your stop will make everybody uncomfortable, having them question if they truly were the reason for the Al Chets, the "about these sins" prayer. This technique just looks good. I would suggest a shush every once in a while. You want there to be a shush. Note, it's best if somebody else shushes for you. True leaders have other people doing their shushes. The Kermit the Frog You want to sound like the Kermit the Frog if he resonated real well. You don't need a good voice to be the Chazin. You need techniques. So, practice the above. Get down your Kvetching, songs that don't fit the words, and a huge top hat that doesn't fit, and you will have gigs. It's all in the singing. This isn't a dance performance. You don't need to do the arm stretch. You're the Chazin. That takes enough energy. You don't need an arm workout. You're not ensuring the sea remains split. Don't overlook the singing. No matter how bad your voice, you sing it. If you have enough confidence in your inabilities, somebody will love it. And remember. Don't let the rabbi outdo you. If that means giving a sermon in the middle of your repetition of the silent prayer, then do it. That should get you a gig. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nitzavim9/21/2025
Announcements
The Chazin for Rosh Hashana will be doing the services very fast. We will be out of shul by 3pm. No need to wait till the High Holidays to donate money to the shul in honor of your loved ones. You can give money right now. You can always give us money. The office of the shul is always happy to help take your money. We are raising money for honey for the poor. The rest is on them. Though, our congregants have graciously volunteered to make sure poor people have the condiment. We ask people to calm down with the Shofar blowing. We understand it’s exciting to see somebody blowing a horn for more than five seconds, but we do ask people also think about Davening this Rosh Hashana. We ask that you don't break into discussion because we did a Mitzvah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why the Chazin Thinks People Want to Be in Shul Longer on Rosh Hashana- Discussion in People Who Think Other People Want to Hear Them. Why Rabbis Are Amazing and People Want to Hear Them. Why You Should Give More Money to the Shul and Why the Rabbi Deserves a Raise. How Donating Honey Helped Nobody in Our Community. Shofar Blowing and How Exciting It Is to See Somebody Who Has No Idea How to Blow a Saxophone. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Everybody was in front of Moshe when he was talking. The whole people. Where is Binny?... Well. He’s not here. He’s a little child. Somebody should be watching over him... They watched over their children in the Midbar. The desert... (Devarim 30:3) “Then H’ your Gd, will bring back your captivity and have compassion upon you. And He will return you, gather you in from all the nations that H’ your Gd has scattered you”... It's not a prayer to bring back captivity. "Bring back captivity" means to bring back the captives of our people... I know it sounds like having more captivity. But we don't want that. I don't think. And this is why I don't like translating things for you... Because you take what I say and think it's the correct translation of the Torah. That's a problem. Now listen to me. H’ is in charge... I don’t know why there is all the scattering. Maybe we bring it ourselves and H’ allows it. Have you seen the Finkelman den? Toys are scattered everywhere. A lot of scattering. H' has to bring us back from that... It's not up to H' to clean the Finkelman's family room. Lesson is we mess up. We need H's compassion. Without compassion nothing is happening. If our congregation was organizing the return of our people to Israel, it wouldn't happen. No amount of compassion could... The board can't even get seats right. Scattering people all over. If the board is in charge, we’re not having services this Rosh Hashana. Nobody is getting a seat. H’ stepped in. We did Selichot. We asked Gd for compassion, and somehow, some of you got the seats you wanted... It was the same seats they had last year, Ruchel. That’s what they wanted... No. I don’t want to sit next to the Gabai. But it seems that I have to... The word is “then." "Then H' your Gd will bring back your captive." That sounds better... After what? After we return. We return after we return. We are returned to Israel after we return in Teshuva... Teshuva means to return... If repentance meant Bernie returning to himself. Something is wrong here... We have to do Teshuva and “listen to H’s voice” (Devarim 30:2). The Pasuk starts, “And you returned to H’.” Before H’ brings us back. We have to return... You should probably return Nachum’s Siddur to his spot. That is the correct thing to do as well... After that, we can talk about redemption. After Nachum's Siddur is back in his spot and Sam and Sarah Finkelman cleans their house... There's a preamble to returning. And that is effort. It is only when we put in that little effort... When have you put in effort, Sam? You clean your house with a Swiffer. No elbow grease. You slide the thing over the floor like you're petting the dirt. Redemption begins with our efforts. With our noticing we've done wrong. With looking at the shul renovations and the drapes on the Shulchan... What table has drapes?... That is not a table cloth. That is a drape. It's on the side of the table. It's a drape... Then get a table cover. Let's return to table covers... Redemption begins with Teshuva. Returning to normal things. With not listening to the board of this shul... Where is He bringing us back to? Not to Topeka. B"H... The effort this congregation puts in... You're all scattered. That’s the problem. Look at the seating charts for the High Holidays. Geulah comes with our effort. It is then that H’ helps us... We need help. Look at how everybody is sitting scattered around the shul. Everybody's worried they're going to have to share an armrest. Those things are tiny. I told you to double up on armrests between seats. The way the chairs are, you can't sit next to anybody without an armrest fight... It’s then... It’s only a seven-hour Davening?! That's not effort. That's painful. We will miss the redemption... Fast is two hours. I will be sure the Chazin doesn’t go over three hours... I will heckle him. I will be on top of him, hemheming and tapping my watch. I will say faster. I will blow the Shofar during his uNitanah Tokef if I have to... You saw that I did what I could with Shacharit. But the Chazin sung a song. I even gave a fast tap. It did nothing... Point is I put in effort to make things better... You can always donate in memory of a loved one. That's a good way to put in effort... I understand that you sweat when you give your money to charity. It's like a workout for you. How much it pains you... The shul is a good place. I also have the rabbi’s discretionary fund. You should give to that. A very worthwhile charity and everybody knows where the money goes... Your rabbi. That is me. I have discretionized the funds to go to me, for charity reasons and holiness. Because your rabbi puts in that effort. And you get a place in Shamaim. In heaven... And thus, you will be deserving of H's compassion... Honey for the poor is important. But what about all the other food they need for the holidays?! Kugel? Gefilte fish? Soup? What about brisket? They have to buy their own?!... So, we supply the honey to put on the brisket. And that doesn't even taste good. What about garlic powder?!... Honey for the poor. The most useless charity I have ever heard of. Again. No effort. It’s like “Gd will provide for the poor.” There’s no commandment for Gd to provide for the poor. We’re supposed to give Tzedakah... "Gd will provide" is what you say when you've given up. Whenever someone asks me how the shul is doing, I say "Gd will provide." First we give Tzedakah, and then maybe they’re helped. It's a communal deliverance and therefore we are our brothers' keepers. Give more to the poor. Some effort... You can give love. You can invite them for a meal. As long as it's not the Horowitzs who have the worst food... Last time I was there for a holiday meal, I asked for more honey. I just had honey on Challah... The Shofar guy puts in effort. You saw his face got red... The Shofar blowing turns into a whole conversation. “Ooh Ahh. Hebrew a Shofar for eight seconds.” In my day, I could go for fifteen seconds... Are all the kids here? Time it. I will hold my breath. Check out how long... And that is your rabbi. It takes effort. Practice. And it is with H’s help, I’m still alive after holding my breath that long... Why the blowing gets applause and a discussion?! You should do it for other Mitzvahs. "Oh. Did you see?! Bentzi just laid Tefillin!!! Oh Yeah. Bracha washed her hands for Hamotzi. Oh Baby!!! Awesome!!! Got all the way to the wrist. They just buried Simon. Chesed Shel Emet. High Fives!!!" And that is how redemption happens. If we don’t put in effort and watch our children, will they be at the Geulah?! No. Because they got lost. If somebody can please return the Torah to the Aron right now. The fact that hasn't happened yet is messed up. Why the Torah is still out. The Gabai put in no effort to find a decent Torah carrier. The Chazin doesn't want to hurt his back. No effort... Gd will help us if you don't show up to shul. If you weren't here... May we be deserving of H's compassion. May we put in at least that effort to have help from H' and to get out of Davening quickly. May we have a year of normal seats, where we don't have to fight over an armrest... A year where people are quiet for Shofar blowing. When they blow the Shofar on Rosh Hashana. Just then. Put in some effort to not talk... It takes more effort for you to not talk, Bernie... Rivka's Rundown The armrests in the shul are truly tiny. Every fight in our shul, all hatred, comes from sitting next to somebody during Davening. The rabbi brought up pews. The shul even picked up a couple of pews for Rosh Hashana, to check them out. Each person insisted that the pew was their seat. Just a big one. The thing holds five people. It's a huge chair with no arm separations. One guy sat at the end of his pew, and still fought with the guy in the pew next to him over the armrest. Morty started a new cause, "One pew per person." The rabbi held his breath for six seconds to make the point of working hard. “If you keep in shape, H’ will keep you healthy enough to hold your breath for six seconds.” That was his message. Between us. The rabbi wanted attention. I think the rabbi is jealous of the attention the Shofar guy gets. The rabbi puts so much effort into his translations. I appreciate him telling us that his translations are not correct. "We return after we return." Confusing but brilliant. The congregants truly put in no effort to anything. Cleaning with a Swiffer. That's how they do it. They drag the thing. Mark opened up the ark halfway for vChol Maaminim. Sadie put Schach on her recycle bin and said it was her Sukkah. The new roller recycle bins are huge. The High Holiday seating was truly messed up. You had Ethel next to Faye. Not smart. You had Bernie next to Sy. Sy passed away. That was the only positive. Sy didn't have to listen to Bernie talking the whole time. The rabbi was strong with the Chazin. Very forceful. He clapped to get the Chazin to move faster. He knows some of them can have Kavanah. And that’s not wanted. The rabbi pushed the Chazin, and we were able to get out of shul by supper. The office doesn’t want to wait till the High Holidays. They don’t trust the congregants will ever give. They’re trying to get whatever they can right now. They know who they’re dealing with. As the office staff says, "Always be closing. We want their money and we don't want them coming back to shul." The appeal cards, those never get paid. I think the office is trying to say to not wait till Yom Kippur to donate in your loved one’s memory, because they’re worried the appeal cards will only be a verification of what the members already didn’t give last year. That's what the congregants are doing. They think the cards are there to let the office know they haven't given that amount. That's the amount they will not give. We all know where the discretionary fund money goes. The money from the Rabbi’s discretionary fund went to the rabbi’s new car and summer home last year. Which the rabbi said are holy objects. “Give more to the poor” is the rabbi’s new slogan. And he also added “And the rabbi’s discretionary fund.” Many people showed up to the packaging day. They each took a jar of honey. It should’ve been a “package your honey for yourself because you deserve as much as the needy” program. Edith said Krogers was charging too much, and "that ruins the holiday spirit." The holiday spirit is getting a decent deal. The rabbi just wanted to show off about his Shofar blowing skills. That was the real point of his Drasha. The kids were enthralled. He called in the kids for the end of his sermon, so they could hear the stories of the legend, their rabbi. The rabbi wanted the Shofar attention. That's all it was. Tags:
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If you can't read what you wrote, you don't have to do it.
We’ve been through resolutions that good Jews make on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, to connect to Gd by not eating more chocolate. In the past, we also spoke of resolutions to be closer to Gd because you want a raise, as well as other resolutions made in shul because Rosh Hashana services are way too long. But nobody keeps to those resolutions after the High Holidays, unless if they get stuck at a Carlebach Minyin and they start singing with the NayNays. Those will have you resoluting in the middle of the year that you will show up to services on time, if you never have to sing a NayNayNay prayer extension again.
This Rosh Hashana, let us focus on honest resolutions. Ones that you will keep. To make your holiday and year more meaningful, here are resolutions that I know you will do. I will not learn what the blessings mean. I will say them and not understand. I will probably end up saying the "Shehakol" blessing for everything, because it is too much effort to find out how an almond grows. I will say it in Hebrew and treat all prayers as if they are Slichot hymns of which I understand not a word. I will get caught saying "Amen" at the wrong time, and I will look like a fool, because I yelled it out with pride. I will speak Lashon Hara. Talking bad about other people is enjoyable. I do not want to lie. But I will lie about Shlomo's work debacle, where he let one go in the cubicle, because I can't stand him. And he chews his Kichel real annoying. I will say that I won’t speak Lashon Hara, to do Teshuva and be forgiven, but then I'll do it. After I cement my place in the good book, I'll be right back on Shlomo and how he ruined his marriage. I will get married. The divorce rate is up. I have a chance this year. I will go to weddings and buy gifts that I found on sale, even if it looks cheap. I will first try to come up with any excuse to not go to weddings. I can't afford the cheap gifts anymore. I will get married so I can blame my spouse for not being able to show up at Simchas. I will learn that book about Lashon Hara, and then do it. I will express anger if there is not enough milk in the fridge. I will blame my spouse for that, yell at them, and plan a divorce until it gets cleaned. I will watch what I want to in the house. I can care less if my wife is happy, we are not watching the Hallmark Channel anymore. I will not spend more time with the children, even if it helps my wife. Those things are very loud. I will spend extra time at work for some peace and quiet. I will not tell my kids I call them things. Though, I want to. I will be angry all the time. I have a car, and I end up at mechanics sometimes. I also have bills. I will not go on vacation. I am broke. I will get yelled at for not doing the dishes. I will not do the dishes. There will be no me time. I will not eat healthy. I said I would eat healthy last year. That didn’t happen. I will put on weight. I will not go to the gym. I will buy a membership though. Which is the least I can do for my health. I will not be able to afford vacation because I paid for that gym membership. I will be too tired to cancel my gym membership. I will start eating chocolate again, in a week. I am going to be thriftier when it comes to my kids. I will not purchase any gifts for my wife, because I genuinely forgot the date of her birthday. I will still buy a gym membership, because I am an idiot. I will not go to the gym. Last year I said I would go to the gym. That didn’t happen. I will then say I'm not getting a gym membership again, but I will forget to cancel. And they will sign me up for another year. I will not make resolutions like these again. I will not sin. Yes, I will. I will do those sins I said I will not do again. I will sin a lot this year. I will not get angry, unless if other people are wrong. Other people are always wrong. I will prepare more for prayers by sleeping through Shacharit and doing it later, on my own. I feel the best way to connect to Gd is by sleeping. I will flip the Yizkur appeal card, and I will not pay my pledge. I will not lie unless if it comes to doing Teshuva. I will end up doing what I said I will not do. But maybe that's not true here. I think I can stick to not working out and not helping around the house. I shouldn't be making resolutions, as that's like a vow. Maybe I will keep these resolutions. I can find a way to stay angry at the mechanic and talk about Shlomo. Maybe making resolutions to sin is wrong. I will be confused. Tags:
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Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself. Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much. Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job… It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there. "If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Ki Tavo9/14/2025
Announcements
The world lost a righteous man this week. A man who stood up for Israel and moral values. Unlike our congregants who have a hard time eating falafel in a pita, without the tahini getting all over their shirt. The commemoration of Nine-Eleven ceremony will take place this coming week on Nine-Eighteen. Nobody realized it was Nine-Eleven until they saw the screen on their computer, which had the date in number form. We ask from now on, everybody purchase calendars without names for months. Just numbers. This will also help when reporting your birth date to the office. We will be singing "Acheinu," the song of brotherhood, all week long. Until you get it right. And sway together correctly. It is the new song of our people, because nobody knows the words to Hatikva anymore. So we’ve given up on that. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It’s Fine For Liberals to Laugh at the Death of a Man Who Talked- The Forbidden Nature of Talking to People. Numbers in Month Form- A Seminar on What Numbers Correspond With Which Months. How to Sing Without Messing Up a Song- The Art of Saying NayNayNay. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Moshe talks of going into Israel right after he speaks of Amalek... He didn’t have you as congregants. He had Amalek. Right after Amalek, Moshe talks of going to Israel. You have to keep in mind those who want to kill us. That’s why we have Israel. And for good Kosher falafel. With the basket you bring, the Bikurim, you bring up Egypt and thank H'. You speak of how H’ saw our suffering and redeems us... Israel is what Gd gives us. It’s our safe place. And we have abandoned that by not being thankful... Yes. You can say what you want in Israel. It's a safe space for Jews. Gd brings us there, but we have a side of the covenant we must keep. And I know that responsibility bothers you all. Which is why our Chazin will be doing all of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Davening, as well as opening the Aron himself... (Devarim 27:1-4) When you get to Israel, “set up great stones and coat them with plaster.” The commandment isn't to do renovations on the stones. If you were doing renovations on the stones with a committee, they would've never got plastered... I don’t know. Weather ruins things. Weatherproof the stones. “And you shall write on them all the words of the Torah when you cross over.” It’s there for Torah. Israel is there for us to practice the Torah. To read it. To preserve it. Preserve it with plaster... We’re not putting plaster on the scroll over here. It costs too much... They didn't have Sofrim charging 150k back then. That's why some of the rabbis say they didn't write the whole Torah on the stones. With the scribe fees, it would've cost the community too much... The stones are our foundation right when we get to Israel... If you would've put in a decent foundation on the Sukkah, it wouldn't have blown away last year... Are you protecting the Torah. The covenant of Gd that we must keep safe, so that we are safe. Are you protecting the foundation. If you would've plastered the walls of the shul correctly, we wouldn't have water damage... What makes it our safe place is the Torah. Is our guarding and protecting the Torah. We have to waterproof it, because we need to guard our will. Amalek, the Egyptians, those who attack us and our supporters, attack our will. Like the board, who attacks every decent Torah idea. Such as learning. The board decided learning Torah wouldn't raise enough money, so we don't learn in our shul... The Torah idea was to learn Torah. I understand that's too simple for a committee to discuss. So, it didn't happen. We should plaster "Learn Torah" on the walls of our shul... Because, it's a simple idea, Bernie. And it doesn't change... You should be in Israel... I’m not there because I have a job. Israel protects us and we must learn Torah there. We must practice Mitzvot. It is written on the foundation stones to remind us of morality... Because it's plastered. And they had decent masons working on the stuff. Not a millennial who... Are we preserving the Torah? Are we fighting Amalek? Are we truly thanking Gd with our gift baskets? If the Purim Mishloach Manot I received from the members of this shul is any sign, we are not doing a good job. Israel isn't complicated. The Knesset is complicated. However, the Midot, the traits of Israel are simple. Be good. Fight evil. Get money from tourists... Israel is about morals. The Olam lost a righteous man this past week. What do you stand for? What are your morals? How are you going to continue his legacy? Are your Jewish kids safer on college campuses now?... Because they're not plastering the Torah on their walls. Because the college life is based on immorality, one cannot be safe. They have pictures of Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar... I don't believe they were what Moshe was talking about plastering. And that is how you lose morals. It's what you plaster on the wall. And at this shul we're using Sheetrock. Drywall does not represent morality. Neither does hip hop or the Swift family. Nor does a poster of A Minecraft Movie. Building an immoral society with nothing on it's foundation stones... Laughing at a Tzadik’s murder??? Your sense of humor is off... Things to laugh at would be the board's choice of wallpaper in the social hall. Charlie saw the immorality in America and attacked it. He was trying to plaster truth on the walls. What moral values do you fight for?... Giving tips at Flavor Cafe is not a moral value. Fifteen percent does not make you a person with scruples. There's no Mitzvah to be a big tipper... You haven't given Tzedakah in years... Tipping is not charity. And the fact that you gave your Mayser money, your tithe, to tips... A tithe is a tenth. One tenth. Not one and a half tenths... We must talk things out. Plaster the holy words of H' on the rocks. In his way, Charlie Kirk tried doing that on the campuses... I am not suggesting graffiti. The Torah reminds us of history and our hardships. The Torah we practice is in the face of evil. We preserve it in the face of the board and our synagogue committees... Commemorating those who have gone is important. Which is why we have memorial plaques, plastered on the wall of our chapel. And you can donate money in honor of your loved ones who've passed on... Morals are based on them. Moral acts we preserve, the Torah, is all based on how we treat death. The past. Chesed Shel Emet. Kindness of truth. And our will to live by Torah even when we’re under attack. How we commemorate... The problem is we called it Nine-Eleven. If it was called September 11th, everybody would know when that is... Calling 911 is not the right thing to do on NIne-Eleven. You do a moment of silence. Prayer. Commemorate it. Torahify it. Maybe fight terrorism. Have we waterproofed our Israel?! We are going to be singing Acheinu all week. It’s for our people, and we're going to sing it all week. At least till you get the song right. You guys mess it up every time. How do you mess up a song of brotherly love so much?!... It's because you don't love your people. The song makes me cry every time I hear it. How all of our people come together and sing. How you all sway and sing off tune. Your harmony is so off... Well. Then you're singing a different song. Didn’t even repeat the verse. You repeat verses in Jewish songs. Always repeat the verse... That's how you make sure the song rhymes... Of course "Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael" are the lyrics. We have good lyrics written 2k years ago. We don’t change them, Chaim. It was in the Machzor Vitry. We sing that... We’re not singing Yanky’s new song. I don’t care that it was inspired. And we're not singing Taylor Swift. And now your swaying is off. We are going to plaster the words on the wall... So you remember them. Or at least look at them and don't mess them up... I know it's written in Hebrew. Learn Hebrew. Those lyrics protect us. If you all understood the idea of brotherhood... And sisterhood. I get it Rachel. You would sing together... Let’s sing now... The way you're singing now promotes brotherly hatred.... Sisterly hatred. Sorry... OK. You’re right. There are other songs for our people. We’ll also sing Kol HaOlam Koolo and Am Yisrael Chai... And Hatikva. It’s our national song. The fact you guys don't know it... Will we remain stalwart?! Are we plastering the cornerstone of our religion?! And now it’s offensive and bothersome to say we lost holy brothers in Israel this week?! Acheinu. Our brothers... And sisters. Exactly Rachel. America is not a safe space without Israel... H’ Yismor. Plaster that on our wall. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi got into the singing. He turned his sermon into a Kumzits singalong. Once he got into the songs, he started crying, because Bernie and Ruchel were so off tune. Nobody wants Mishloach Manot in our shul. I understand the rabbi. If the Bikurim baskets were anything like what I got for Purim, it would not be thanking H'. I can't imagine that people were bringing Gd poppy seed Hamentashen. Due to the rabbi's message of waterproofing Israel, our membership started a campaign to raise funds to purchase wood stain and sealant for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. Jerusalem claimed the stone is already waterproofed. By design. As a board said, "That sounds biblical." Committees in our shul need something to discuss. At the last meeting, the renovations committee discussed the idea of if Torah is important to Judaism. It was a committee. It was a discussion they had to have. They had a meeting already planned. They had to discuss something. It would appear that Torah is not important to renovations in our shul. The rabbi made a beautiful point about antisemitism and Israel being our place to live. Nobody cared. They claimed the flights to Israel are too expensive, and the real Amalek is EL AL. The congregants were mad the rabbi could say such a thing about Charlie Kirk. One member screamed out, "How dare you say he was a decent human being?!!" It turns out our congregants hate Israel and Jews. They also hate morals. Some of the left-wing of our shul, at Kiddish, started laughing about Charlie Kirk's death. It turns out that they’re against guns, but pro-gun violence Now the liberals in our shul want to kill any child who talks. To quote our left-wing Kiddish table, "If they talk, one day they might debate. The decision is easy." The most moral thing one of our members has done is to give a big tip. "A big tipper." That's a Tzadik. "She gave eighteen percent. She has a place in Olam Haba." Yet, they steal pens at work. The rabbi ended up giving a whole mathematical explanation of tithing. From then on, Chaim only tipped ten percent. The left-wing table claimed Charlie Kirk never tipped well. A Rasha!!! The rabbi saw an opening when he mentioned the plaques for family members who passed, and he started going into an appeal. He's warmed up for the High Holidays. He's good. The rabbi started a statewide campaign to call it September 11th, so people would remember the date, before seeing the bottom right of their computer screen. Every year, we miss Nine-Eleven. We need a ceremony to commemorate it. We need another name for it. Not to get rid of Nine-Eleven. Just to change the name. Because they are not good at reading dates, some of our congregants commemorate it every day. Every time Bernie looks at his clock when he gets to shul, he mourns. The moment of silence was not a meaningful idea. The rabbi is always asking the congregants for a moment of silence. He just wanted the congregants to shut up. Many congregants were offended by the concept of fighting terrorism. To quote, "Terrorists have a right to be who they want to be. If that is how they identify, we have no right to stop them." They congregants have also been through a lot, dealing with violence in the shul. They had already dealt with Simchovitzs’ Hagba fiasco where he took Galigla from the kid. The anger expressed when the kid didn't wrap right. They're still talking about it. Some claim the look was a terrorist act, perpetrated by somebody who doesn't identify as a terrorist. Which the left-wing table said is wrong, as "that's misappropriation." It turns out that looks can be terrorism too. "A terrorist look." And that is more offensive than killing people. I think that is the congregation I belong to. Due to the suggestion, we are now singing all four songs after Davening, every time. Not just Acheinu. And the rabbi has also insisted on the NayNayNay parts, adding an extra five minutes to each song. As he says, "That is the one part all the congregants know." Such bad singers in our shul. The rabbi required music classes for all. The rabbi also brought in a dance instructor to teach us how to sway right. He said the classes were for all the victims of having to be members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. And to honor the victims of Nine-Eleven, whenever that is, by not ruining more Jewish songs. After all the talk of hardship, death and commemoration, everybody had a great time at Kiddish. The connecting numbers to month names seminar lasted three days. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLIX9/9/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the hours at the bank in Israel, the Mangal BBQ waving mechanism at the shuk and the men’s side at the pizza shop, all while haggling for a slice of pizza with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on soda the community has enjoyed at an excellent price, from Price Rite, without haggling.
Women’s and Men’s sides. That’s why I never met anybody hanging out in Meah Shearim... By the way. That pizza place is not religious enough for me. There should be a Mechitzah there. I’m not going to lie... I like the fact that women can’t cut me in line there. I have a hard enough time trying to deal with guys cutting me off and taking my pizza.
Speaking of great Israeli inventions. The Mangal Nifnoofer. Used to wave at the fire. The idea is to keep the BBQ going by waving at it, in hopes the fire will continue by being nice to it... And then the greater invention. The Mivtzah. This is where you wave at the guy working in the Shuk in hopes that you will get a deal.
What you drink when you are part of a community. Fruit punch in carbonated form… Also see stuff that only tastes good in shul. Also see stuff that makes you even fatter than Coke. Also see stuff that you would never drink if Kiddish wasn’t free.
They haven’t changed the hours for years. For some reason, I still show up when they’re closed. Something about changing hours every day. Keeps me on my toes, and missing work. And I still kissed the Mezuzah… They have a picture of a dog leading the guy. The bank understands that there’s more of a chance that the dog will get the hours right.
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Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song. And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL: I dedicate this song for you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you. Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel. Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you. We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel. Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you. We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel. I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you. Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel. The crunchy blooming country. Israel. Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel. I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you. And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel. The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel. Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. ***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly. I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it. Tags:
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Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter. To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too. We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach. The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to." The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"... (Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war... We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you... I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again... The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said... It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful. It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful... Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues. Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?! It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul. Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war... And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish... When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke... Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025... You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin... The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing... Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!... Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October... Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka... Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles. Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here... Don't let war take away your moral compass. That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim. There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee... The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back... You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors... You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic. And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here. You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot... I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max... Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War... Acting with purity, even in times of war. (Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.” When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it. The quilt is shameful. It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it... Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere... Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs. Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at. They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka. Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it. And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people... When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah... We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded." Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived." Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions. I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites. Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now. Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one." Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately. I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year. The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools. Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners. The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while. When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there. The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!" The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs. Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah. As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool." I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin." Tags:
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In last month's lesson we discussed the historical development of the obligation to eat fifteen hours every Shabbat. But how did the rabbis ensure we would not take off weight once Sunday came around.
To note, this an appendix to last month's historical work. This is not a piece about your abdomen. I'm not privy to the history of your intestines. Modern Problems of the Summer and Diet The people do things and the rabbis have to create what's known as a Geder. A fence around the Jewish law to ensure the Jewish people remain steadfast in Torah and heavy. People may put on weight on Shabbat. Even so, Shabbat has its limitations as it's only one day a week. It happened one summer where Jews were going to the Catskills. Women started what is known as walking groups. With these groups, they did what is known as walks. This is the problem with women not learning Halacha. The Rav of Woodbourne proclaimed, "I agree. Our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. If the women only learned Jewish law, they would not be this slim." Rav Nasan Himelwitz agreed. "The more time spent learning Torah, the less walking they will do." And this is how Modern Orthodoxy started. And then Malkie came up with this idea of what is known as a diet plan. It was clear Malkie did not get this from Torah. Nowhere in the Bible does Gd mention a diet plan. To this day, rabbis question if Yom Kippur was a mistake. Jews were taking off weight. Shabbat couldn't compete with this heretical idea of a diet. Arguments were had about this new concept known as health. People were questioning if thin people were even Jewish. "I don’t think Malkie’s keeping Shabbis," was heard back in the Shtetl. The lack of food was concerning. Pogroms were at a stand still. To quote Vlad, "What happened to all of the food?! What happened to the Jews?! There's nothing to pillage here." The rabbis declared, "If one does not have diabetes and back pain, we must check their Jewish roots." And so they checked. It turned out Malkie was Jewish. Unbeknownst to our sages, even people with Jewish ancestry could slim down if they didn't eat. It was all disheartening. The Response to Diets Something had to be done to bring Jews back to their divinely ordained weight. The rabbis realized that people walking during the week was inevitable. So, they focused more on Shabbat. The rabbis declared all shuls have what is known as Kiddish. This is also known as a Shabbat Kiddish luncheon in non-religious communities, as they eat less and are not as good of Jews. The Kiddish luncheon is where you eat lunch before lunch. Not being in the location of lunch, this added an extra hour of Shabbis eating. Done in standing formation for many years, in mid2004 many rabbis instituted the sit down Kiddish to slow down the metabolism. I'm sorry if the chronology is off a little. Give or take eight hundred years. It's somewhere within that time-frame that this all happened. This was all confusing, as Kiddish is the blessing on wine. Why the rabbis couldn't come up with a different name for Kiddish, other than Kiddish, is still a discussion amongst our sages. Nonetheless, the rabbis found a way to get more hours of eating out of Shabbat. They did what they could to fight this summer diet plan and walking. But it was still not enough. Simchas and Siyums The weeks still came and the rabbis had no idea what to do. “What can we do once Shabbis is over? How do our people eat during the week?” That was how the question was asked. The question wasn't phrased, "What's the deal with food?" So, they made it a Mitzvah to eat at every happy occasion. Simchas was thus developed. Hy shouted, "It's a Simcha. So, we'll call it a Simcha." And that's how Simchas got their name. One rabbi fought happiness with a prayer known as Tachnun. And then the rabbis made the Tachnun prayer of supplication real long. This mournful focus, and painful length of the prayer had people depressed and not eating. To quote Shlomo, "Why when Davening is longer, do we have a longer Tachnun? It makes no sense." In response to the pain, the rabbis declared, "When there is a Simcha, one must not say Tachnun." Following this decree, Jews found a way to celebrate everything. A Bris, a wedding, a kid putting on Tefillin for the first time, the youngest in the family playing Abba Shel Shabbat at Hebrew school. They even celebrated learning. Anybody finishing learning something, they called it a Siyum, which required one to eat cake. The rabbis were not going to let Tachnun and the keto diet corrupt their people. A Siyum party used to require one learn a Tractate of Gemara. But we needed more celebrations. So, the standard for Siyum was toned down. They said, learning a book of Mishna is enough. One guy learned about The Battle of Gettysburg. He called it a Simcha. They pulled out schnapps and Kichel, and had a Siyum. Celebrated it. Not one rabbi batted an eye. The Siyum was an old tradition that the rabbis made a point of bringing back to the community by making learning more accessible with English translations. Artscroll was behind this. Back in Spain, in 1459, it got to the point where learning a chapter of Chumash was enough for a Siyum. The rabbis already knew back then, that only through Siyums could Jews get fatter while learning. They had Siyums every morning. How the cake requirement became a thing is of much historical debate. Yet, all rabbis agree that the one who came up with that has a "place in heaven next to the Heavenly throne." Fast Days and Mourning Periods People thought to lose weight during the days leading up to Tisha BAv, by keeping Jews away from meat. But the people found a way around this with festive meals of mourning. Jews even started learning a lot of Torah, just so they could have a Siyum and eat meat. As it is written, "There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than a festive meal dedicated to the destruction of the Temple and not saying Tachnun." One could never outdo the joy of not saying Tachnun. And then the rabbis declared, "One must enjoy Yahrzeits too." So, every shul required its members to bring schnapps and sponge cake to celebrate death. Even with the celebratory meals of suffering, fast days were an issue for a few years until our leaders came up with the idea of a break-fast. Where you have to break the fast by eating. Then, the most celebrated rabbi, known as Rebbe, created what we know as The Seudah Mafseket, the meal of stopping, where you gorge before the fast. Using the Hebrew terminology "Seudah" made it a Halachik requirement. As Rebbe said it in Hebrew, no one could argue. It was in Hebrew, and thus held Halachik weight. Hence, canonized. Now, we eat a lot before and after a fast, to put on weight. Our rabbis of great knowledge and Ruach HaKodesh, divine spirit, found a way to ensure we get fat during fasts. People Kept Taking Off Weight The rabbis saw people were still taking off weight. It might have been the summer heat. It might have been the loss of Raisel Chana's choolante recipe. Generations will never know. The rabbis started telling people about this thing they have, known as a Neshama Yeteira. An extra Shabbat soul. A crafty move, they told people that the extra food on Shabbat goes to their extra soul. The people caught onto this when they realized that souls don't burn calories. Nonetheless, you can't argue with your rabbis, so everybody got fatter. And the Neshama Yeteira now stays all week. For some reason, the Neshama Yeteira also puts on weight at Simchas and Siyums. I noticed my Neshama Yeteira getting fatter over Tisha BAv. And when you're not eating on Shabbat, you must do an Oneg and delight in Shabbat by eating more on Shabbat. Which in Meah Shearim, translates as popcorn. And this ensures your Neshama Yeteira will at least add a pound a week. And the extra Shabbat soul has a very slow metabolism. Historical Lesson For All Jews How Yom Kippur made it into the Torah is still a Halachik anomaly. How the Siyum is a Simcha, we still don't know. But it allows us to eat more during the Nine Days. And that's what matters. With more and more people moving to Israel, the rabbis have done all they can to fight the Middle Eastern Diet. Just seeing the word diet has caused an uproar. And it was this Middle Eastern Diet that is the foundation of the Charedi community, and the refusal of the ultra-orthodox to join Tzahal. And now, with all the necessary walking one needs to get around Jerusalem, our rabbis are trying to find ways to add whatever they can to pita. Thus, packing on more calories. They developed the falafel, forcing people to put their salad in bread. As Yankel said, "It's a start." Recently, they've developed the concept of Chipsim, where fries are made soggy enough to squish into the salad that's in the pita. And Yankel received his Olam Haba, world to come, in one moment. And the number one way to keep one at the religiously ordained weight is still learning Torah and Halacha. To this day, when people learn Torah, it's always in a sitting position. No tradition has started to learn Torah on the bench press. Recently, the rabbis came out against "fat shaming" to help encourage proper Middot and that our people eat more. And then the rabbis declared Kosher food most have a lot of salt. Tags:
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We suggest to take a picture, to help you remember the hours. It's hard. Though, they may change by the time you show up. It appears Bank Discount suggests you use a seeing eye dog to get you to the bank at a time they're open.
I've spent years trying to memorize the Israeli banking hours. Nothing has worked. Hence, I wrote this song to help you remember when your bank might be open. I cannot promise that they have not changed the hours since the song was written. At least it would've helped last Wednesday. These hours were still in effect last week. In the middle of the week.
Here is the song. Bank Discount Hours Song (to "Happy Days"- a catchy fun song, so you can still smile when you show up on time to the bank and they're closed- I kept the name of the song simple, as I don't want to give you something else to memorize- focusing on the hours and which bank they belong to is a hard enough task) Sunday Monday Wednesday 8:30 to 1 Tuesday Thursday 8:30 to 2 Monday Wednesday Opens again at 4pm Friday they close early too When it’s a holiday I have no idea what to do These hours change every day. Change every day. Bah Ding Dong Why the siesta on Monday and Wednesday. Bah Ding Dong Why don’t they return from their Siesta on Tuesday. Or Thursday?! (Remix) The hours. What are they?! (outro addition) The Doar hours, I have no idea. They changed those again. The other day. Please Note: Those are 8:30am to 1pm. 8am to 2pm. Opens again at 4pm. I don't believe it's 4am. But then again, they give military hours, and I can't account for what those mean. I cannot account for siesta hours. They might return at 1am. I cannot promise. To help, I also took the liberty to add a few beats to the verses. For those who don't know, the Doar is the post office. I tried including the Doar in this song, but the Doar hours are different from the bank hours, as the postal workers have different siestas than the bank tellers. And some siestas last a day. Sometimes a week. I can't account for that in one song. And I cannot take responsibility for you receiving the new lyrics weekly. I believe the lyrics "Bah Ding Dong" express the message of the song. Tags:
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What do say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground. A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy. 
I felt bad executing the bagel. But I did what I had to. There was lox.
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Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they were like, "That's the temperature." Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
11/2/2025
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