We have decided as a congregation that political discussion is encouraged. We have many people in our shul that disagree with each other, and everybody hates Bracha’s political views.
 
We don’t have preShofar drinking plans. We apologize to The Boys Club. You are the most committed committee in our shul. Each Shabbat this year there were at least eight guys who were drunk at Musaf. We commend your commitment to what you do for our shul.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Purchasing High Holiday seats for Malkie and Surel Finkelman. They haven’t purchased seats yet. Their lack of knowing what it means to be part of a community needs charity.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Importance of Politics and How to Chase Members Away. Great Committees and Commitment- The Boys and How They Chose a Different Member Each Week to Bring Schnapps. What You Must Do for Rosh Hashana Prep and What Our Congregants Don’t Do- A Look at Selichot and Teshuva. The Mitzvah to Purchase a Seat and How to Give More Money to the Shul- Other Mitzvahs Dues Don't Cover and the Mitzvah of Your Rabbi’s Raise.

Rivka’s Community Rundown 
The rabbi started encouraging people to talk politics. He's trying to chase away some of the membership. He's tried everything to get members to stop coming to shul this past year. He's tried serving sardines with the skin at Kiddish. That got rid of a few. He called people to start coming to Minyin during the week. That chased away half the men. To get rid of the sisterhood, he has encouraged politics. The shul went down to six members. He even gave longer sermons. 
The board wanted to get a Minyin for the High Holidays. For Rosh Hashana, to draw the members back, the shul realized they had to change the rabbi's sardine policy. Now they're only serving skinless and boneless sardines, and shmaltz herring. The shmaltz herring brought many of the old-timers back. And for Rosh Hashana they decided people aren't allowed to talk politics during the Shofar blowing, as Max and Bracha get very loud when they talk about how much they love the politicians that hate Jews. They like everybody to be reminded why they hate Max and Bracha.

The drinking buddies are loud. They even call themselves the drinking buddies. How the rabbi allows for a fraternity to have parties Shabbat morning in the shul is messed up.
They’re married guys, and they act like idiots. How they got married, I do not know. I am assuming that their wives are drinking at home.
 
They gave the drinking buddies, The Boys Club, a plaque for their weekly commitment to getting drunk in the middle of Torah Layning and scaring the families.
How it’s a committee, I don’t know. I believe they pick who’s bringing the schnapps. That's what the committee does. They get more accomplished than any other committee. The Lawn Committee still hasn't come up with an idea of how to mow the shul's lawn. They've discussed the need for a cut grass though. That was a few meetings. One of The Boys brought schnapps to that meeting as well.
When it comes to alcohol, our membership is very well organized.
 
Everybody knows that to be part of a community it means you have to give money. People who don't know that are part of Fullview Country Club.
Malkie and Surel are quite wealthy. They just don't like paying for seats because it make them feel like they're not part of the shul family. They said they want to feel comfortable and welcome at shul. To which the board said, "We will have no such thing."
So, now it's an act of kindness to buy Malkie and Surel their High Holiday seats and to stare at them in disgust. 
 
What members did to prepare for Rosh Hashana. The Boys Club drank bourbon. The Schwartzmans asked people to forgive them for anything they "may have done." And then they listed the stuff they might have done, and they lost all of their friends. The rabbi asked for another raise. Malkie and Surel put down a down payment on new home. The price for seats has gone up a lot.
Other than the Schwartzmans, nobody did Teshuva. They realized that if they did repentance more than ten days before Yom Kippur, that would leave them with way too many days where they had to act right. Simcha is waiting till a day before Yom Kippur to start repenting for being a jerk. Simcha insists, "If I have to try to sell Gd on me being a decent human being for more than two days. I don't have the stamina for that. And let's say Bracha starts talking. Let’s say the rabbi brings out the sardines with the skin... I can’t do it. This shul makes me want to be a worse Jew."

The Boys are fighting for Rosh Hashana Shofar drinking. To quote the president of The Boys Club: "The Shofar makes a perfect funnel for the beer."

“And so, we come together as one community, one people, brothers and sisters, to ask H’ to forgive us this Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.” That’s how the rabbi finished his Drasha. And then he ended again with, “I can’t stand this place. I pray I don’t have to do another year of seeing you people." "People" was necessary, as the rabbi wanted it to be clear that he cannot stand anybody in the congregation. If he would've ended it on "you," the congregants would've thought the rabbi was talking about the Gabbai.

Anybody opening the ark is either an old person, or a heretic who shows up once a year. Or a Tzadik, who dedicates his life to Gd. I'm assuming you're a heretic.
They'll have you opening the ark. That's the best honor you'll get. They see you as a heretic, so they don't trust you with leading in any of the services. Instead, they give you physical labor.
Make sure you know how to do it. Get it down. This is your chance to shine as a heretic. And you don't want to look like a Apikores doing that. So, make it look good.

Know When to Open the Ark
Study up on the Machzor. Being your Hebrew is at a first-grade level, since you stopped learning Hebrew in the eighth grade, this is going to be hard. The Gabai tells you the Tefillah you have and they expect you to be up there opening the Aron on time. The problem here is the Gabai assumes that you care about being Jewish. 
You don't want people exhaling. Loud exhales, the sound of hatred and disappointment, runs deep in disgust for people who can't figure out the Aron timing.
Follow the Machzor. They have English notes to tell you when to go up and open the Aron. Those notes are not what the shul does. The Gabai has the notes for when the shul expects you to open the ark. He won't tell you that. So, follow the Machzor. It will give you an idea of when people will be breathing out in anger. If you get a "Nu," you might as well take off your Tallis, fold it, and leave. You failed everybody.
Learn Hebrew or have a guy head nodding you when to open and close the ark.
Hope you don't get Aleiynu. The Gabai tells you "Aleiynu," you're opening and closing the thing multiple times. It's too complicated. Turn in the Tallis if you get Aleiynu. I closed off a friendship after last Yom Kippur, having to coach and "Nu" the guy when to open and close the Aron. I ended up with a crick in my neck till after Sukkot.
Don't worry, you won't get Neilah. They only give that to important people.

Know What Stuff Means
Aron is the ark. It's not an Israeli pronunciation of your friend Aaron. 
The Gabai is the one in the shul who has an official position and no degree of which to speak. The one telling everybody what to do, who was not hired.
Machzor is the thing in your hand. It's a Siddur for the High Holidays. It's called a Machzor because somebody decided to call it that.
Kol Nidrei, Maariv, Shacharit, Musaf, Neilah. These are the prayer services, known as Tefillah, Davening, and stuff that takes a lot longer on the High Holidays. There is Mincha. There is no chance you will be there for that, so don't worry.
Then you have Layning. That's Torah reading. They may ask you to come up to make the blessing. Known as the Bracha, pray they have transliteration up there.
Maybe take a class on being a Jew. Maybe suffer through some sermons during the year. Better yet, sit next to somebody who has anger issues, so you don't mess up anything. 
An Apikores is a heretic. Thought you should know that one.
"Nu" means yes, no, I'm happy, I'm extremely mad, do what you want, we might as well do it, I like the babka, and open the ark already you heretic.

Study the Curtain Pullers Before You
Somebody will make a mistake. They make it impossible to open Aron easily. They want you to feel like an idiot.
Make sure you're pulling the correct string. You pull the wrong side of that rope too fast, you look like an idiot, and people will breathe. You don't want people breathing. Any exhaling in shul means you let them down and Gd.
Start with a soft pull. You get that pull right, start tugging.
And be sure you're strong enough. If they haven't pulled the outside curtain yet, you're pulling a theater drape. They have that rope pulling stuff at Planet Fitness. Train for Yom Kippur there.
Please note, "Curtain Pullers" is not a slur.

Know What to Do
After you pull the correct string, you may have to open the wood part. The goal is to get to the Torah. It's not to get to a closet. People aren't showing up to shul to be awestruck by the carpentry. I must admit, some of these arks are nicer than what the guy did with the renovations in my bedroom.  
If the wood part is already open, you're good to go. You can thank the Gabai for doing something right.
I can't tell you how many times we've been waiting for the ark to get open. The Curtain Puller opens the curtain and stands there like he achieved a momentous goal. Nothing is happening other than fifteen "Nu"s from the congregation. Finally, somebody yells out, "Open the ark." And then somebody breathes. The idiot finally realizes it's not open. Then, he opens the ark and yells, "I opened it," during the part of Davening the Machzor says to not talk.
Lesson is to never trust a Gabai.

In Israel They Lock Up the Torahs
Be ready if you're in Israel. They lock all of the arks, and they give you the honor of opening the ark. If you're not a locksmith, you look like an idiot. If you're a felon, that can also help with breaking into the Aron.
If you're the Gabbai, remember to bring the key. If you take the role of Gabai on, make sure to talk to everybody in shul, and then to shush the people you are not talking to. Otherwise, they will realize you are not Frum, and you have no idea when to open the ark. And remember to bring the key. I feel bad breathing and Nuing at people who don't know how to break in and steal our Torah.
You wonder why there are so many Torahs in Israel. All the religious people breaking into the Arons every Shabbat to read the Torah. The shul boards saw this, and they decided, we have to stop these people. So, they locked the arks.

The Aron Walkaway
This is the climax of the Aron opening production. It's your time to shine.
Shake the rabbi's hand. Shut the curtain first, you idiot. You shut the curtain and then shake the rabbi's hand and whomever else is on the Bima. It's tradition to walk over to the rabbi, and interrupt his Davening.
On your way to your seat, hit each row, with handshakes. Give a wave to the back of the shul. You're the star. Let it be known. If you don't do that, the Chazin will get all the credit.
You walk away right, all else is forgiven. People will be talking. "That guy who couldn't figure out how to open a curtain. That's class. That’s a classy Apikores." 

This information should help you look like a knowledgeable heretic. And remember, people breathing in shul is a bad thing.
Maybe next year, if you work out, they'll trust you with Hagba. It's more manual labor they make people do during the High Holidays.

This month we learned about how to give Tzedaka by not giving it, how to pelt a child who asks to drink some of your liquor, how to keep the laws of Shemita by not keeping Shemita, and the Mitzvah of using vegetation to curse people on Rosh Hashana. Let's learn a bissel Torah.

(Devarim 15:10) Speaking of giving wholeheartedly to the poor, the Torah says, “You shall surely give him, and let your heart not feel bad when you give him, for because of this thing H’ your Gd will bless you…” It always pains me to give Tzedakah. Seeing a destitute guy with a decent meal. Eating pizza, and with the toppings. You give charity, they smile, you know you got ripped off.
Rashi, referencing Sifri, learns from the words “this thing” (“thing” also being “word” in Hebrew) that when you say you’ll give Tzedaka it's like giving it. Don't need to give. Just say it. That’s how the membership at my shul holds by pledges. At the Yizkur appeal they’re very good at bending the tabs.
I always thought it was tradition to bend the numbers on the appeal cards and to not pay. I didn’t know it was a Mitzvah.
So, what did we learn? Say you will give Tzedaka wholeheartedly and don’t answer the shul office when they ask for the money. When a poor person asks for help, don’t pull out your wallet. Say you will give them money and walk away. Run if you have to. And you will feel much better about only have to think about Tzedaka.
 
(Devarim 21:18-21) You pelt and kill the wayward and rebellious son who doesn’t obey his parents. So, go to sleep when your parents tell you. There is more to this law, but don’t take chances. Go to sleep on time and take out the trash when asked.
The parents tell the elders, “He doesn’t listen to our voice. He’s a glutton and a drunkard.” That’s how you get the kids to listen. At least the boys. If you’re a boy, go to sleep on time and stay away from the kitchen. Otherwise, your parents might get you pelted with stones. And stay away from the liquor cabinet. You don’t need dad blaming you again for his drinking problem. Still can’t figure out how to get the girls to help around the house. There’s no Pasuk for that.
 
(Laws of Kashrut, Rabbi Cohen p.68) Better to buy Heter Mechira than from gentiles during Shemita, to avoid hurting Jewish agriculture. We believe in the laws of Shemita and that Gd will provide, but not that much.

The Talmud (Keritut 6a) encourages us to eat symbolic food on Rosh Hashana because “symbolism has meaning.” Thus, we focus on puns about carrots to connect to H’.
During the High Holidays, we focus our prayers on what happens to our enemies who don’t keep pomegranates. Pomegranates means Mitzvahs. Good Jews understand the symbolism of vegetations, and how to curse our enemies with produce. "May our enemies die like a pomegranate that got attacked by a jussher."

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: As long as you think about giving Tzedaka, you don't have to give it. That makes giving charity much easier. It's also easier to get your child killed for eating lunch than to have to pay for that kid to go to Jewish day school. And it's important to keep safe on Rosh Hashana. Stay away from Jews holding a vegetables. They get violent.
A lot of violence and not helping the poor. That's what we learned from Rabbi David.

The Shul Tehillim group will take place this Thursday. We will continue the reading in Hebrew. We don’t believe the understanding of words will help our members. Prayer is better from you in a language you don’t know. H’ would rather not hear your real thoughts.

We’re having another fundraiser dinner this week to honor.
Last year's annual dinner, the Schwartzs were offended. Only eight people came. We know people don’t like the shul, but to also not like Bernard and Henny Schwartz is something we didn’t foresee.
This week’s Shalishudis is in memory.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Stop Talking in the Back Left of the Shul. An act of kindness by keeping your mouths shut.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Chaya Understanding Davening Will Help Nobody & Other Problems She Has with the Shul Air-Conditioning System. The Chiyuv to Honor and Remember So the Shul and the Day School Can Make Money- Why we Need the Names and Other Reasons Nobody Donates to Our Shul. The Reason Nobody Likes the Men in the Back Left and Why Their Wives Send Them to Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul needs better aircon. We've been using the heating this summer, to cool down the sanctuary. It's like my nephew's car. It's like hanging in my uncle's house, who's trying to save money. It's like sitting in an old age home with a working air-conditioner.

What is the Tehillim group? It's a group of women who are planning to say Tehillim one day. But they do get together. And that is important itself.

Nobody understands a word they are saying. And that is what we call Davening. Some of the members don't even know what that word means. And those people are called heretics. They sometimes even pray in English, because that's what Apikorsim do. They try to understand what they're saying.
The rabbi has to speak out more against this people saying their prayers in a language they understand. We are now a shul with a good reputation of being Frum, because not one person understands what's going on.
The real thoughts of the membership is complaints. If they were to have Tehillim their way, they would be complaining to Gd about dues. Something about Kind David not having to pay membership fees and Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. Shacharit would be, "We hope Samantha doesn't make that egg salad again. Please make sure it's not Samantha's egg salad."
Chaya would be forgetting anything about Jerusalem, asking Gd for better air-conditioning. And that would be her only prayer for the people. "Can we get an aircon unit that hits the right front of the ladies' section."
 
“To honor.” That’s where it stopped. That is what the fundraiser is honoring. Honor.
No name. Just to honor. The board has taken into account the hurt of the Schwartz dinner. It will forever be known as the Schwartz dinner. The shul doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They want the synagogue name wiped from it. They had that annual dinner in the rabbi's backyard, at a picnic table. They don't want to hurt anybody, so now, all dinners are just "in honor."

The “in memory” for Shalishudis did not make sense. So, the third Shabbat meal is in memory of somebody. No idea who. That has nothing to do with offending anybody. They just forgot. I'm beginning to think, the board just forgot who they were honoring. They just left it "honor," and they're hoping somebody fesses. 
If people in our shul would stop forgetting stuff, that would be a miracle. The shul is like a memory care congregation.

I don't understand the honoring thing. And it's not even a Tefillah. It's not a prayer, I should understand. The tradition is to honor people for something. Never know what it is. It's a fundraiser dinner I have to go. That's what it is. Whatever the reason, you have to go.
Now I have to show to honor people and lose another $300?! Like going broke on Bar Mitzvahs isn’t enough?!
If you don't show up to a fundraiser, you're either against the shul or the family. Last year it was tough to tell, as people really hate the Schwartzs. The shul made a mistake honoring them. They thought that since everybody knows them, and talks about them, they should be honored. They didn't take into account that they're all talking about how much they can't stand them. 
We should have a dinner where nobody speaks Lashon Hara. A once-a-year dinner where nobody talks bad about these people.

Now, I hate organizations and people. And this past year, we've been able to pay off some of our mortgage.
I have no friends now on purpose, and I hate the shul. The shul knows it. I told the shul office I hate them, and they said, "You're a member."
 
Did they have to announce that nobody likes the Schwartzs. Some things are better not said. Now we all have to show up to their next dinner. I pray nobody honors these people again. That's my prayer when I go to shul. That's what I ask Gd for when I pray in a language I understand.
 
I can tell you that the shul lost money not mentioning names. You need the names to pull money from people. Nobody showed up to the Schwartz dinner, but they gave donations. No way out of that. The general donation given was a in honor of “I can’t stand the Schwartzs.” That's what the members wrote on their dedications for the donation. And the Chiyuv was fulfilled. And you didn’t have to spend a night at dinner with them. 
Why they read each donation at the dinner in the rabbi's backyard is messed up.

And the back left of the shul will not stop talking about how much they can't stand them. Mr. Schwartz has moved to the front of the shul. He still doesn't Daven. Yet, as he said, "I feel more comfortable where people can't talk." Since then, Mr. Schwartz has been the greatest advocate for no talking during Davening. Before that, the guy couldn't shut up. Can't stand him.
Nowhere in the Torah does it say that when you come into The Land that you should not take the Schwartzs with you.
And that is Lashon Hara about the Schwartzs.

With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, it's time to look at ourselves and to take an accounting. As such, it's important we focus on others and how they can improve. Many people out there are very annoying. There a lot of people I can't stand.
Here are character traits I've noticed at shul that we have to get rid of. And it seems a lot of people have them.

People who don't say hi. They know me. We Daven together every day. I think they notice me. They must. When I pass them, they seem angrier.
People who say hi in French. What are they trying to prove.
People who say Shabbat Shalom when I say "Good Shabbis." 
People who say Good Shabbis when I say "Shabbat Shalom."
People who say Guten Shabbis. I already said "Good Shabbis." Why are you correcting my Yiddish?! Are there grammatical mistakes in Yiddish?! If I don't read The Forward, are there grammatical mistakes?! In the Satmar community, are they worried about grammar?!
People who say Forvard, that were born in America.

People who correct me, and are not telling me I'm a bad Jew. I'm fine hearing I'm a bad Jew. I need Musar. If you say hi, you can tell me I'm a bad Jew.
Somebody didn't say hi to me the other day and I don't know if I'm going to get over it.
People who smell bad.
People who take off their shoes. This isn't the Temple. Your kid just threw a lollipop and I stepped on it.
People I don't want to say hi to.

People who don't hold the door open. Where are you rushing to? If you're going to shul, you're not running to the sanctuary. If you're a member of my shul, you're not in good enough shape to run.
People who don't say thank you. 
People who I hold the door for who don't say thank you. Every kid in the shul. The not appreciative pieces of Gehenim.
Their parents. By the way, where are they. 
Anybody who's entitled. And I don't think we should give the executive director another raise.
Anybody who is not appreciative. And I'm not talking about Chanukah Gelt. That's not actually money. I just learned about that.
People who don't give a thank you nod. I like thank you nods. I feel they're more universal for those who can't hear. Which is everybody in my shul during Torah reading. All talking very loud. I'll explain. I like people who explain. That takes away the guessing. When they explain, it's clear they don't like me.

People who are too religious. People who are heretics. Anybody who doesn't Daven the way I like.
People who argue with me when I give a Dvar Torah. I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. You can be fine with it too.
People who feel a need to push the idea they have that there's no Gd. And what are they doing in shul?! This is why we have to start charging for potato kugel. People like it. And some of those people don't say Brachas. 
People who ask me for forgiveness and then tell me what they did. That didn't help the relationship.

People who walk in the back of the sanctuary. Get your steps in at home. If you think you’re getting into shape at shul, look around at the congregants. Nobody is in shape at our shul.
People who walk backwards from the ark. And you wonder how people get injured.
Snobby people. How snobby can you be when you're a Frum Jew wearing a white shirt?! The cool cats that have five friends who consider each other cool. Again. You're wearing a white shirt! If not, you're wearing a shirt with colors on it, to stand out. Which means you've went out of your way to be cool, and you're going to Gehenim. Point is, if you're wearing a shirt, you're not cool and you should be accepting of everybody. Point is, don't be an --- ----.

People who don't smile. I know you're not happy. Smile. I'm not happy to have to see you either.
I get it. It's shul. You have to see these people too. Got to put on that smug face, make Davening and life worse. ​Welcome to shul. Where angry people come to pray together, as a community, before Gd.
People who learn too much. They then think it's a good idea for you to learn too.
Kids. How did these guys make it into the community. Kids is a character trait. Also known as people who don't clean up after themselves.
People who don't help. Those are people known as members.
People who take helping too seriously. They scare other people.

People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
People who come in and just sit. You've been coming to shul for eighteen years. You've seen Maurice sitting there for eighteen years. Would you not think that seat is Maurice's. I see a kid winning at musical chairs. I kick them out. Let them know they're inconsiderate. The wayward child.
Any youth director who thinks musical chairs is a fun game. They’re a Rasha.
People who don't say anything to the guy sitting in Maurice's chair.
People who don't say anything when people smell bad. That leads to Lashon Hara.
And then, I'm considered rude for saying something.
People who don't speak Lashon Hara. Ruining every conversation. Keep your not speaking Lashon Hara to yourself. Or don't come to Kiddish.

​The ignoring people. You see me. I see you. The guy didn't say hi to me. I will not let it go.
People who ignore you and then they expect you to want to talk to them. Why? Because a cool guy in a white shirt is talking to you.
People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
Mrs. Feldblum's hat. That's a character trait.

People who take too long with their Davening. They're making you wait. It doesn't take that long to say Shema, if you don't understand it.
People who don't go to the Kiddish table and take as much as they can. They're snobs. Do they think they're better than everybody else, not getting violent.
It's good to get it out.
Not friendly people. Again, we are all religious Jews. If you think you're cool because your Kippah looks like it's about to slide off the side of your head, now do you understand.
People who talk about others. There's a reason. I can't stand them either. This should be allowed.

People who don't visit the elderly. Are you expecting Ethel and Merv to wheelchair themselves out of the nursing home to wish you a Shana Tova?! Ehtel and Merv who bought the shul.
None appreciative pieces of Gehenim. I think I said that. I hope you appreciate my helping you get it out before Yom Kippur.
People who make a turn and don't signal. There is no place in the community of Gd for them.
People who cut off Maurice. 
I am mad on behalf of Maurice.
There are so many more people I can’t stand. If the board would just kick these people out, we would finally witness the redemption.

Truth is, we need these people. Without these annoying people, we wouldn’t have community. We would have nice people who get along. And that’s not a congregation.
Redemption would ruin our membership. I would come to shul, having to see people smiling at me, thanking me for holding the door for them, while they wheel in Ethel for a Yom Kippur Davening that's over in an hour and a half. It wouldn't be shul.
 
Note from me: This statement here is my "Hineni" prayer. It is my pleasure to share it with you, as I lead my flock this High Holiday season. It's my Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev prayer on behalf of my congregation.

Tircha DTzibur- a) A bother to the congregation, such as Bernie talking during Kiddish. Any joke he tells you, as he is repeating it again. b) Anybody leading Davening with Kavanah. Sentence: ‘What is this guy doing? We are trying to get out of here and he is pronouncing each word. That is not why we come to Shul.’

Chason/Chatan- A man whose family members tell him, after the wedding, that his life will change. Sentence: ‘Now your decisions aren’t yours.’ Said by his uncle, to remind him that his uncle made a bad decision and he regrets it. Another Sentence: ‘Just remember these words: “I am sorry.”’ Response: A required laugh, from everybody who already heard Uncle Tivi say this at every Sheva Brachot. Response from the Chatan: ‘Why did nobody mention this until now?! Would you not think this is something you would have brought up before the wedding?!’ See Uncle Tivi for a guy who is not happily married.
 
Kallah- Somebody you have to say is pretty. Sentence Causing Discomfort for All: ‘I know this may sound awkward, because the man you are getting married to today is my best friend. However, it is my Halachik duty to tell you that you’re really hot.’ Another Awkward Sentence: ‘Don’t tell Chaim I think you are a 10. Go, walk down that aisle. We are all checking you out.’ Followed by a catcall and cheers, to fulfill the Mitzvah of making the Chatan and Kallah happy.

Baseball Hat- What religious Jews wear to hide the fact they’re Jewish. Sentence: ‘I couldn’t tell if he’s Jewish. He had a beard, baseball hat and a suit.’ Sentence from Trucker: ‘He’s got a beard and a hat. I think he’s a biker with a minivan. Never seen a biker traveling with his wife and family. His wife is also a biker. She’s wearing a bandana. The most extravagant bandana I’ve ever seen... The kids are little bikers. They are too young, but they are trying to grow beards. Growing out their side-curls... Wait. They just went into McDonald’s. Didn’t buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They’re Jewish.’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of how people should pray without any thought, so it can go faster for him at shul. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we know not to invite David to our child's wedding.
Thank Gd, David is not an anti-Semite. 

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.

Israelis excel at jujitsu because they followed the Sensei who said, “Ju-do.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jew do. Ju do. That’s how he pronounced judo. I think. He was an anti-Semite. You can’t plural ju-do as jus-do. That’d kill the pun. You have to read it. Some things in life only work in writing. Which is why my doctor writes the prescriptions.

Many Jews participated a lot of Sinat Chinam over the years, because it was free. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sinat Chinam means baseless hatred. It’s why the Temple was destroyed. But Chinam means free. So, it’s free hatred of other people. And this pun is starting to sound anti-Semitic.
It’s free to hate, so it doesn’t cost that much. So, you can do a lot of it. That still sounds antisemitic. 
 
My date ordered coffee with extra fresh milk at the calfe. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was a calfe. Not a cafe. They had calves running it. They wanted to be milked. Oh boy. She ended up drinking a lot of cowfee. You get it? Coffee. Cowfee. Coffee from a cow. She liked the milk. Two puns right there for you. I mean Meyooo. That’s a cow saying “you.” Meyoo get it. Cowfee at the calfe with the cowristas. 
This pun was not antisemitic. Cows charge a lot for their cowfee. 

I was going to grade H’, but you’re not allowed to test Him. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We don't test H'. (Devarim 6:16) “Don’t test H’ your Gd.” That includes multiple choice. If you don't test, it's hard to grade. Pedagogy doesn't apply to H'. That's what makes Him Gd.

What’s an ant that wants family to be at their wedding? A cantaloupe! (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An antelope would be an ant that can elope. Science. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe. It's a religious ant. C-ant-aloupe. Not the fruit. A type of ant. Ant is in there, in the middle. The ant can't elope. Religious ants don't do that. Wants her family to be there. And she likes fruit.
That ant that shows up at the wedding is your mother’s sister that doesn’t hate you.

They named a band after my father. They called it Abba. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The band ABBA. It’s named after a Jewish dad. They made that movie. Mamma Mia! What’s weird, they didn’t even give my dad a cameo. Anti-Semites.

Why do you wait till night to eat a Danish? It's a "Day Nisht"! (Mordechai)
You get it? DayNisht. Not during the day. Advice. If I waited and not eaten at Kiddish Shabbis morning, I wouldn’t feel so bloated. Learn Yiddish and you’ll understand. And you’ll be healthier, eating pastry at night. 

​Note: You've learned how puns are a good way to express antisemitism. And you’ve also learned the science of a cantaloupe, that cannot marry an ant. There is so much we teach you. And now you know when to eat pastry. If you knew Yiddish, we wouldn’t have to tell you. 

Shalom Dave,
You wanted more information about the speed dating and what happened with the girls I met. Well, I went on another speed date thing, and I met more girls. This thing is amazing. I've met so many girls. I haven't met one in person yet. But that's not the point. I'm doing great online.
Tu BAv, I was on the online speed dating too. Figured, there's less of a chance of getting stood up online. It's hard to say "I couldn't find the internet, so I went home." Though, some have said that.
I’ll tell you about the follow-up dates next time. In the meantime, let me tell you what I learned. This thing is great. You can meet anywhere. You can get in and out of the dates with no blame. You can present yourself better. On screen, you only have to show shoulders up. I can skip leg and torso date preparation. 

I have a more positive approach now. Thanks for that push of, “You can do it. Online, you’ve got a chance.” I appreciate that.
Check it out. Last time I clicked yes on three of them. Got two yeses back. I’m telling you, standards are different online. They’re more desperate virtually. And they have no idea why I have the beard. I place the camera looking down a bit. They can't see the extra chins.

​I'm getting this down. And there are so many options for the date itself.
Where do you meet? Let me tell you how it goes. It's speed dating, Dave. It's not the real date. It's that initial meeting. And it's online. You don’t have to travel an hour and sit in a room with these people. You sit in your kitchen, and then you tell them you have to go.
And it's great for women too. You meet the guy real quick, and then the Yutz is off the screen. The beauty of speed dating online. You go onto the next date with the other guy who’s too cheap to go on a date outside of his den.
I realized I can go on these dates anywhere my Wi-Fi reaches.
You can date in your living room, kitchen, den. The options are endless. You can even meet in a cafe if they have free internet. How many people go to a cafe and have somebody to talk to nowadays. You see all these people sitting alone, on their computers. Here, you’re on your computer with somebody. That’s socializing.
And then five minutes later, you're on the screen with someone else. The barista is starting to think you're a player. Everybody is talking, "Look at that guy. Everybody wants to see him not in person."

​I've been mastering the online dating persona. And that means my place has to look good and I have to look good.
I could've done better. Next time, I'm going to clean the backdrop a bit. There was a spider web right behind my head the whole time. I had the whole house and I was talking from a spider web. Second date with one of the girls, mold was growing.
I' lucky I have my own place. There was no roommate in the background.

It's tough for the divorcees. It's tough to date with family
Turns out a lot of these women have kids. I can handle kids on a regular date. I can't handle them on an online date. They're there.
Some of these women are calling from the bathroom. Trying to avoid the kids. 
You hear family yelling in the background because mom didn't serve them dinner. And it's hard to explain, "There's no dinner because mom is out on a date right now. In the bathroom."
One was on the speed date from her living room. Kids were running around in the background. I had a hard time clicking "yes" on that girl. 
One called from her car. Her daughter was on the speed date from the back seat. That was awkward. I'm asking what you want in a family. The mother is like, "Not that thing in the back seat." The girl is like, "Ice cream." I was thinking, "A booster seat is important." Her daughter ended up rejecting me.
I'm happy that one didn't work out. I don't need her bringing the kids to Shlomo's Steak and Burger. Now she's not the only one scoring a free meal.

You have to put aside the time. I did it. You've got to give me credit for that. You think I'm not trying, but I am. I should've cleaned my living room a bit before the speed date call. Maybe vacuumed. I will say, that woman's bathroom was impeccable. Sparkling.
You've got to prepare for these things. Comb your hair. Shave. Cut your nails. You should put on pants. 

And a great feature is it’s timed. So, I can't say too much. Talking too much you get in trouble. And the screen is your excuse to run from the crazies. You see 58 seconds on the screen, that means you start to say goodbye. “Shoot. Got to go. Would love to continue this conversation about your little puddle. But I can’t. Oh. No.”

I think I have it down. Maybe soon, I'll be able to meet them in a cafe, in person. Baby steps.

Brachas,
​David

Tolerance is the issue. The board discussed it. We realize our shul has too much tolerance. This is why Davening is long, Melvin still tells his jokes, and people with no personality join the board. 
There will be a board meeting this week to discuss if the shul should tolerate members. Members are very annoying.

Due to Aliyah Card success and our rabbi’s new Keebud Honors Card business, we’ve opened up the cards to many new shul Kavods and requirements. New cards include: “Have to Give a Kiddish Cards” which will be given to the Felzowitz Mishpuchi who have never sponsored Kiddish. The Felzowitz family who eats at every Kiddish like they’re not going to find lunch. “Please shut your mouth” for the congregants in the back left. And “Please Do Not Come to Shul. I believe we already have a Minyin” to keep Bernie out.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re looking for people to smile so I won’t want to shoot myself when I see congregants. To quote the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Tolerance & How That Leads to Members with Ideas. When Telling People to Shut Their Mouths with a Card That Says to "Shut Up" Doesn't Keep Them from Talking During Your Sermon- The Art of Speaking to People You Want to Hurt. Kiddish Sponsorship and How Much the Felzowitz Family Eats for Free. Smiling and How People Might Not Hate You- The Art of Not Being a Jerk in Halacha.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
I’m all for less tolerance. I don't need to hear about Melvin's mother-in-law anymore. He keeps on telling me how he enjoys taking her to the airport. How that's his favorite part of her trips. I'm beginning to think he truly doesn't like her. Either that, or he likes to repeat his jokes. He also said something about being successful to not please his wife, but to spite his mother-in-law.
This tolerance thing is setting us back a few years in the development of America. Whatever happened to freedom to hate? I can't say I hate people anymore, unless if it's Caitlin Clark. I have to tolerate people Chuching and coughing up phlegm in shul now. It's not fine to say, "You're disgusting. Get out of here, you heretic." It's just very annoying. I have to accept the other congregants.
The board meetings are painful now too. The president gave a speech on tolerance, and how we have to accept other people. The whole time, I wanted to tell her to shut up. The speech took an hour. Nobody could interrupt her. That would've been intolerant. Turns out intolerance of stupidity is also not allowed.
 
Due to all the new honor cards, everybody in our shul now gets honored. Samantha was honored with the biggest hat. She got a card for that. Pinny was honored with "The Oldest Single Guy Who Has Never Been Married." He also got a card to remind him he doesn't wear a Tallit. I feel like the cards are now turning into a way to mock people. And it adds a level of mockingness when the cards read “Honored With.” “Honored with The Oldest Guy Who Has Never Been Married. Honored with Loneliness.”
Paul got a card that read "The Guy with the Mustache People Comment On." Paul didn't even know everybody was talking about it. Though, it's ugly as sin.
The people who didn’t give a Kiddish in honor of their sons Bar Mitzvah. That was a card. “Honored with Being Cheap.” They got a card and a bill.
“Not Athletic.” Gave that card to Pinny. Pinny is now not athletic and very single.
 
The rabbi also started pulling in tons of money when he realized that they need English on the cards too. Doubled the business. Hebrew and English cards. He's branching out to Spanish and Portuguese.

At the board meeting about tolerance, nothing about ethnicity or race was brought up. Everybody already agrees we shouldn't tolerate others. It was however decided that we have to tolerate members. Otherwise, we will have no use for the Aliyah Cards. Even so, all agreed that members are very annoying and should be hated. All who agreed are members of the shul.

Not one smile. The rabbi's class on smiling didn't work. Even with their smiles, I still hated all the people who showed up. Maybe it's their smiles. Even when they smile it makes me mad. When our congregants smile, it's like watching a bunch of villains. Their eyes open wide and it looks like they want to kill me. But I have to tolerate that. If they pay dues, I have to tolerate.

Laws 5-7: Everything is made up of matter and Gd, even the Gabai of the shul. If it wasn't for science, I would have to think that there is no Gd in congregants.

Law 5: There is fire, wind, water and earth. Between those, they keep changing from one to the other. For example, the earth close to the water, becomes water. And that is the extent to which I studied science. 
We had earth science in seventh grade, but I was already a Talmid Chacham, so I insisted that I learn science from the Rambam. I didn't do very well in college. Even so, I do understand how the four main elements interact, and I know that if I throw water on fire, the two will mix.
Why Mark keeps changing his mind about whether we should be purchasing Wheaties for the shul breakfast or not, I do not know.

Law 6: The revolution of the sphere causes these four elements to mix. And for some reason, the earth's revolution can't make a decent bundt cake. You need my sister to do that. Science has its limitations.
These elements combine and form matter, such as man, beasts, plants stones, metals, and Mark. Truly can't stand the guy. 
Gd gives all of this matter the form. Which is why some people don't look right. They have too much water in them. Again. Mark.

Law 7: Man knows that everything with a body is made of matter and form. But they know very little of how to get from 34th St. to 86th St. in the middle of the day. Got me stuck in a lot of traffic.
There are forms which have no matter. We can't see them, but we know of them with our heart, "like we know of the Master of everything." And I just hope this doesn't come up on a test. I don't know if my science professor accepts that as proof of angels. Nonetheless, they're a heretic. And even heretics are made of matter and form. 
B"H Rambam acknowledges H' in science.

​They didn't have the periodic table back then. But they did know about fire and wind and Gd. Now it's all about atoms and chemical reactions. I've seen the table. There is no element called "Gd" there. And that's why I skipped chemistry. 
If you're a heretic, study the periodic table. Let's see where that gets you in Shamayim.
Point is, there's spiritual stuff out there, and most teachers are going to Gehenim.

Lesson: Gd is part of science. And that is how I passed my secular studies courses at Yeshiva High.

It's Gd's world. Hence, it's important to understand it, to see Gd in His world. However, once you start bringing in tables, things mess up. You start having to talk to people like Mark.

Yeah. That's the name of the article. And now you're not happy, and you're too negative. You hear Mamdani and your day is ruined.
Don't let Mamdani bring you down. The cost of deli is way up. We don't need more problems in our community. We must see what Zohran Mamdani has done for our people in a positive way. Mamdani is good for the Jews. 
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see some of what Mamdani has done his first half a year in office.
Before we get going, Rachel wants everybody to know that she believes it is best you skip this piece. She believes that all we need to write is, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that.
Let's see if we can pull this and make Mamdani positive for you. 

Jews are getting blamed for everything. The subway system not running on time. Unplowed streets. People freezing to death because Mamdani said staying on the streets in freezing weather is a good idea. We have to credit for these things. They're not blaming us. They are crediting us.

A guy with a bomb showed up to a protest. He was screaming "Allahu Akbar." Mamdani made it clear that it had nothing to do with the guy being Muslim. That is a relief. And the Jews of New York can feel safer.
 
His wife is pro the October 7th Massacre. It's his wife. Not him. He has nothing to do with his wife. How many men even talk to their wives?! Wait. How many men want to talk to their wives?! If you were married to Rama, would you want to talk to her?!
Mamdani is pro-Israel. Which is why his wife likes posts which say "Jews get out of Israel. We hate you. You should die." We have to stop judging him.
Mamdani is not anti-Israel. He hates Jews. And he's very sincere about it. Is it not a Jewish moral to be honest.

Mamdani decided to clear snow for the city by having people shovel. One of his advisors brought up the idea of using plows. That was met with, "You idiot. You remove snow with shovels." To which the advisor asked, "Can we expect people to shovel? They don't have shovels." To which Mamdani said, "Yes." "How do you shovel without a shovel?" To which Mamdani replied, "With IDs."
Jews of New York were given the option to come out and help shovel. That was nice that he gave us a choice. And people are against communism?!
And not one Jew showed up to shovel. To quote Zalmy, "I have a bad back." To quote Bernie, "I have a bad back." To quote Shirley, "I have a bad back." I believe Chaim, Sarah Rivka and Ruchel said the same thing. And each one of them continued with, "I went outside and I felt a draft."
Point is, nobody blamed Jews for the dumb idea of shoveling. First time Jews haven't been blamed or credited for stupidity. Everybody knows Jews don’t do physical labor.
 
Mamdani has over Mahmoud Khalil, the guy who terrorized Jews at Columbia University. He did this to show he's against terrorism. I think. Somehow that was the message.
How can you combat terrorism if you’re not doing it.

Mamdani commissions Syrian monument near the Twin Towers memorial. This is done out of respect for those who were taken from us on September 11. He is taking some of the burden of hate from the Jews. He feels it is wrong to hate Jews so much, so he is putting himself out there. The guy is a martyr. 

On St. Patrick's Day he made it clear that there is a genocide against Palestinians. In Israel, we've been wondering who's perpetrating this genocide that we keep hearing about. Finally, we know. It's the Irish.

Mamdani refused to go to the Israel Day Parade. That at least gave the Jews something to celebrate.
He knew there would be American flags there and that offends him. 
Mamdani made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens. He knows Israel doesn’t do that, and thus he doesn't support Israel or America. He made it very clear. He only supports rape. Jews don’t support that.
Police commissioner Tisch said she’s going to be at the Israel Day Parade in NYC. Right in front of Mamdani. “I will support it. He won’t. I will... This guy is an idiot… He's going to fire me anyways. I'm Jewish. My name is Tisch. The jig is up. Might as well go."
 
Early July, it’s too hot. So, for the sake of the workers, Mamdani asks all employers to keep the air-conditioning at 78 degrees for the power grid. Jews love the Shvitz.
We will not lie. At the Kibbitzer, the air-conditioning hasn't been working this summer. Nonetheless, when we set it to 78, the room keeps at a steady 78 degrees. 
 
To celebrate July 4th and the 250th Anniversary of America Mamdani let everybody know how much he hates America. To quote, "I hate America almost as much as I hate Jews."
He had a group of people standing by him in the video. All of who were questionably American, wearing native Hindu garb. I say this, because every one of them had a straight face. They were from the Far East and not of them understood what he was saying. They speak English. They were just dumbfounded by his stupidity.
He didn't have any Jews standing behind him. We have enough antisemitism going on in New York as it is. We don't need ICE coming for us too.

He says “Free Palestine” and calls Jews Nazis in support of Israel. The Nazis, Yimach Shimam vZohran, never accepted Jews into their ranks. So, in a way, Mamdani is pro-Israel.
With a straight face he said Israel is committing war crimes. He only said this in support of the Jews of New York. To keep them safe. To quote, "All people of New York should be safe. And Jews are mass murderers."
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election. Everybody needs a platform, and our people are on the ticket.
Mamdani’s campaign of “we hate Jews" was greatly successful in bringing on city councilmen. Jews voted “Yes. We hate Jews too."
We're trying very hard to make this positive. 
 
Katz’s Deli bans Mamdani. Amazing. Love it. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them.
Oy. That felt good.
Bans are so fun. Without Mamdani, who would we be banning from Katz's.

He left Little Italy off the map of New York. He thought nobody would notice. It turns out, the Italians noticed. 
​He left off Little Israel too. Nobody said anything about that. He already left Israel off the globe. Many Jews didn't understand the complaint about not having Little Israel. To quote, "Brooklyn is there."
He left out Boro Park, Williamsburg, the diamond district. Jews are happy about that. We don't need him giving out a map of where they can attack us. 
He did have Little Palestine. We were all questioning what this Palestine thing is that everybody is talking about. Where it exists. Turns out, it's a country in Brooklyn. 
​Now this all makes sense. All of Mamdani is focusing on “Palestine” because it’s in New York. When they say “from the river” they’re talking about the East River. And we must move on from that joke.

He said he's going to arrest Bibi. Haaretz is happy about that.
Mike Huckabee’s statement: “Would be easy to say NY Mayor is just an ignorant bigot, but he is not dumb. He's an evil anti-Semite who deliberately lies about serious things like 'genocide' to stoke Jew hate. If anyone should be arrested, it's the Mayor of NY for incitement. NYC should be ashamed.” Without Mamdani, people would feel bad about hating us. Now the people of New York can feel shame. And who loves feeling shame more than Jews.
 
You can finally say, "Shut up Jew." You can go down the streets yelling, "Baby killers!!! Genociders!!!"  And you can feel good about telling a Jew to "Shut the F up." Nobody has ever spoken out for the anti-Semites. What about them. They're a people too. And Mamdani is for all New Yorkers. All the minorities.
 
He ran away from a proNYPD even, escorted by eighty cops. Turn out he's not defunding the police. People think they’re not seeing police around is because he’s defunding them. No. He’s taken them for himself. Precinct Mamdani. Point is we have to stop blaming him for what he is doing.

He wants to go to September 11 memorial ceremony. He likes being where people hate him. He might even show up to the Israel Day Parade next year.

Pied-à-terre tax. No idea what that means. It’s amazing how we have to use French when we have no English word to describe a dumb idea. We’re going to tax people for not being around too. It takes the French to come up with that. He didn't use Hebrew. We don't need to be blamed for more stuff.
If he gave us credit for raising taxes, would it be that bad. 

Raising taxes on landlords. You know what that means. Jews are moving to Israel. He is the greatest promoter of Aliyah. And to have the Chutzpah to say he doesn’t like Israel.

Wait. Another shul was attacked. Now we know where they are attacking us. And we know now who wants to kill us.
Mamdani has lived up to his campaign promises.

In just a half a year, he has accomplished so much. How many people could ruin a city that fast.
And with all his work, he still found time to pay attention to Jews, and to give us credit for stuff.
Now that you all feel better about Zohran Mamdani, we are moving the Kibbitzer to the south.

We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

This month we learned about Tisha BAv, Shema and marrying people you don't think are hideous, which has caused the Shidduch industry to take a big hit. Let's learn a Bissel Torah.

It’s our tradition to read Megilat Eicha on the night of a Tisha BAv in the dark, with flashlights, because that draws the flies to you.
 
(Kiddushun 41a) You have to see a woman before marrying her. Bothersome as it is, you’ll probably have to see her after you’re married too.
Rav Yehuda says Rav says it’s forbidden to betroth a woman until seeing her because he might see something repulsive. Some girls have the big skirt buckles. Some guys are repulsed by those. If he becomes repulsed, he may end up violating the Mitzvah of loving your neighbor as yourself (Vayikra 19:18). This doesn’t mean you should be checking out your neighbor’s wife. There is no Mitzvah to love your neighbor’s wife. Just your neighbor. A little misreading can lead to a lot of problems in the community.
And this is why commentary is important.

(Berachos 12b) We should have added Bilam’s Bracha of the Jews to the Shema. We don’t add it because of Tircha DTzibur. It’s a bother to the congregation, as it would take a long time. Instead, we wait half an hour for people to finish the Shema prayer.
It speaks of H’ guarding us, so we have the serenity of a lion and lioness (Rashi- Bamidbar 24:9). Even this explanation is getting long. I’m going to stop that here. And I’m going to say Shema faster. You know what else is a Tircha DTzibur. When somebody enunciates the words of their Davening.
For some reason, the Gemara says nothing about making everybody wait half hour, while staring at you, trying to figure out why he's making us all wait. Nothing was said about the rabbi's job being to make people wait a very long time, so that they can become very frustrated. No Mitzvah of causing everybody to be extremely frustrated and to not want to show up to Minyin was mentioned.

(Nidda 30b) Before birth you learn all of Torah. And then an angel comes hits you on your mouth, and you forget it. This teaching is there to comfort us, knowing how easily we forget stuff. We also learn from this that angels have a very violent temper. We learn much from this teaching, and then we forget it. 
And this is why I was never good at Judaic studies. The angel.

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: Mourning is best done with a flashlight, as flies cause us to think about the Destruction of the Temples. Don't marry ugly people, because you can't love them. Kavanah, focus on Gd during Davening, is bad. And you should blame everything on angels. Not Jews. And we all now feel like worse people.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

Davening longer than twenty-five minutes isn't allowed anymore. We want people to not hate shul. A two-minute Shema is painful enough. Chazaras HaShas, the cantor's out loud repetition of the Amidah prayer for the community, should be fast and not heard by anyone.
The rabbi said you can yell at the Baal Tefillah if their Davening is too long. You can yell, “Move faster. Your Davening is annoying everyone. Your Kavana is painful to the congregation. We hate you.”
 
No more than two family members mentioned during post Aliyah Mishebeyrachs. You get up to say the blessing over the Torah, nobody needs to hear about your new niece. Too many people are receiving Mishebeyrach blessings and it’s adding time to Minyin. People are mad, and now more people hate Jews.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We are looking for strong people to kick people out of shul who do Mishebeyrach after their Aliyahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Cause of Communal Hate and How It’s Our Chazin. The Pain of You Remembering the Names of Fifty Family Members. How Praising People Leads to Wars- A History of How We Lost Membership.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The focus this week was how to get Davening done faster. I suggested we just skip it. The rabbi wasn't fine with that. Though he liked the idea.
When Davening takes too long, you can't focus on anything else. So, I'm happy we focused our shul discussion on finishing Davening faster this week. Otherwise, I would have been cursing out Felvel and his whole family, who he mentioned after his Aliyah. I took down all the names. Hate them all. They'll say they had nothing to do with Felvel going off on all of them, remembering who they're the child of. They still deserve to be hated. Nothing to do with our shul, not even in our city, and they're slowing down our Davening.
​The discussion on finishing Davening added a good two hours to Davening. We probably should've had that discussion another time. It was self-defeating. 

They discussed it. People want to shoot the Chazin. The pain of waiting for this guy. An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz during the week?!! It happened.
Eight minutes??? Am I supposed to read a newspaper. Is that what I'm supposed to do during the cantor's repetition?! Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm definitely not focusing on praying. At some point, I'm thinking of hurting the CHazin. 
I have to say, Kavana is killing Judaism.

The board meeting went on about it later in the week. They decided that people who want to do a slow Davening, can slow things down by themselves, and stay in shul later. They can stay late, with no security. To quote our president, "If you believe in your prayers that much, you should believe a little in Gd."

Just the long Shema is enough to get anybody mad. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Do they meditate on each word?! Are they getting back at people?! Did somebody wrong them?!
If you are meditating, Shema should take three hours. I'm not suggesting people meditate. Truth is, I sometimes fall asleep during the Shema myself. I have people coming over to me telling me how impressed they are with my Kavanah.

Here are some of the rules we came up with this week, due to the pain of a long Shabbat morning Shacharit:
Mishebeyrachs are wrong, and thus not allowed. Especially when Davening is taking a long time. They went on with these blessings for their family. Each person is now doing it. These people are adding names. Family members they don't even have. Making up family.
Adon Olam took forever too. They did a slower tune than the slow tune. No idea how that was possible.
And they didn’t even start on time. That somehow slowed up Davening too. New rule is they have to start on time, even if nobody is there. 
Mishebeyrachs for the USA and Israel, and the soldiers, can be said. But they all have to be fast. As long as people say "Amen," they can feel like they care about their people.
And you can also say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. The head of the Tehillim committee suggested we put a time limit on how long we pray for the sick. To quote, "If we're still saying the Mishebeyrach after two months, might as well give up. What are their chances anyways." And since then, I have put it in my medical directive letter that I don't want Ruchel and the Tehillim committee to ever pray for me. 
And Shema is now timed.

Some people have taken the rabbi’s Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yelling in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.”
It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows. Why? Because it took too long to bring out the choolante.
Some jumped on the Bima the past week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."

They did the starting on time with nobody, and they finished the service before anybody showed up. And every congregant in our shul was happy.

Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

Children are required to think of their parents as honorable, even if they’re not seen that way. This is why I need kids. I need some respect. I also need somebody to mow the lawn.

Taking a shower is permitted on the 17th of Tammuz. Bathing is also allowed the rest of the year. Please tell that to the campers at these summer camps. They’re disgusting.
 
For a Jew to divorce in the US, you need to have both a civil divorce and a Get through a Beit Din Jewish court. Outside of Israel, you need to hate your spouse twice as much.
To quote our dear friend who is now single, "That was easy. I would have signed another document. Every time I sign something saying I never have to see that person again, I feel such Nachis."

With the Maccabiah and all the sports, questions of Bitul Torah come up. Bitul Torah, wasting time from learning Torah, is something we don’t do as Jews. And there are many reasons given for this. The most convincing one being not getting your allowance.
The Maccabiah needs more Torah involved events. Excessive sports can be Bitul Torah. I support gymnastics, as long as it doesn't take away from learning Torah. One must be learning Gemara when competing on the bars.
As part of Color War, we always had a Bracha Bee. The Maccabiah. athletes from the different countries should be competing at Tefilat HaDerech. Soccer and the prayer for travel by heart for speed. And it’s practical for their trip home.
 
Note: They have held off on icing out Charedim totally. They’re not playing on Shabbis. Sports are not in the spirit of Shabbis and you sweat. Which is why most Jews never play sports, as it’s Asur to sweat outside of the Shvitz. The Shvitz is fine as it’s Grama. You’re passively causing the sweat.
Definitely not soccer.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Jewish kids should shower more. The Maccabiah is not religious enough, and Charedim should be protesting it. Lying down in the middle of soccer fields is what Charedim should be doing for the Maccabiah. Marriage has ruined his life and he believes people should do whatever they can to get out of it, even if they have to do it more than twice. And the reason to have kids is because he needs people who are required to look up to him to get some respect and to do chores you don’t want to. Other than that, there is no reason to have those things. To bring more Torah joy to you, next month, Rabbi David will be sure to focus on Tisha BAv.

This Tisha BAv we’ll be sitting on the floor. The way renovations are going, that’s the most comfortable way to sit in our shul.
 
Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, is the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. And we want to blame Bernie for that.
 
The rabbi’s note of the week: Everything at Kiddish is great. But the egg salad is disgusting. He believes that we are still in exile because of the person making the egg salad. They’re causing Sinat Chinam.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Teach Fran how to make egg salad. We need somebody to teach Fran how to purchase eggs and peel them. And we need a therapist to explain that pre-peeled eggs are disgusting.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: When Mourning Is Too Much- Renovations That Don’t End. The Isur of Using Pre-Peeled Eggs- How to Ruin Shabbat for Me and What Could Be a Good Egg Salad. Fran's Egg Salad and What Destruction Tastes Like. How Our Members Caused the Destruction of The Temple- How Descendents Affected the Past and How the Thought of Bernie Can Kill a Really Good Day and Generation.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We always sit on the floor for Tisha BAv. I think the rabbi was just making a point that the board is full of a bunch of idiots.
Usually our members sit on steps, because they can't bend that much. We have a very out of shape congregation. The most agile member can sit on a chair by holding onto the armrests. That's the extent of our agility. Holding an armrest to brace the fall onto the chairs. Our members don't sit. We fall onto chairs. And for Tisha BAv, we fall onto the stairs. Our members sitting for Tisha BAv need CNA help. We need nurse aides in our shul to ensure the congregants can get up. I see a congregant on the floor, there's an issue.
We don't even have steps to sit on now. That's real mourning. With the renovations, it's just flat concrete floor.
Renovations are disgustingly slow. They have the destruction thing down. Our board is very good at ruining things. They've destroyed the shul real well. It's the perfect Tisha BAv at our shul. You want to celebrate Tisha BAv, come to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
That's what happened with the destruction of the Temples. It was a renovations committee who got the destruction part down and then left it for a year. And they never got to the renovations. It was our board and renovations committee. And members who don't pay dues. And exile.

And then the baseless hatred. Our congregation has a lot of hate. The members of our shul are a good reason to hate. I would have to say, we did not cause baseless hatred. There is reason to hate the other members of our shul. With their hats, and the bad jokes they repeat, and the messed-up egg salad. There are a lot of very good reasons to hate our membership. If we were around in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, they would be able to say to Gd that they had a reason. It would be a Mitzvah to hate Bernie.

Fran doesn't get it. The eggs are disgusting. Pre-peeled eggs. There's something about them. It might be the vinegar they sit in. Whatever it is, it causes everybody to hate Fran.
Every problem in our shul comes back to Fran's egg salad.
Fran's egg salad did get me through Tisha BAv. When I was down and thinking I can't make it through the fast, I thought of her egg salad. It kind of made me never want to eat again. Thinking of Fran's egg salad actually made Tisha BAv a joy. It made it feel like mourning is a good thing.
Most people eat the egg with ashes before Tisha BAv, known as the Seudah Mafseket. I just had Fran's egg salad. Felt the destruction right there.

Being around our members, I'm truly in a constant state of Tisha BAv.

As Tisha BAv is upon us, going over the news from the past few months should get us in the right mood. During the Three Weeks of mourning, we’ve been listening to a lot of JNS news, to keep us down. Here’s some stuff to remind us tradition is alive and the blood libels are still there.
Here is what we learned over the past months. It’s a lot. This is going to be a long one, so put on your Yarmulkes.
​It turns out people still hate us. Thought you should know that.

Ceasefire called again. So, shooting ramped up. Ceasefires are very dangerous. 
We believe that was a ceasefire on the ceasefire. And that makes sense to JD Vance.
When dealing with the IRGC and Hezbollah, you need to stop what you have stopped doing already. JD Vance explained this on the Joe Rogan podcast. It's very normal and it makes sense to him.
Who's to blame for ceasefire violence? Jews. They didn't break it, but they're Jews.

There’s a Fatwa on everybody. I thought there was already a Fatwa. But this is another Fatwa. As we learned from Gaza, people can die more than once. So you need more Fatwas. To quote, “There's a consensus. You can never die too many times.”
 
UAE seems to be with Israel. For some reason, they like the idea of life and economy.
 
New York Times reports that Israel is training terrorist dogs to rape people. False news. Israel has never trained any Gazans. And the New York Times doesn't retract the statement, and we're offended. To call Palestinians dogs is wrong.
And nobody batted an eye. It appears dogs raping people is a normal thing. There's a raping breed. We're still bothered they didn't report on the new spy sharks Israel has been training to rape swimmers . And the field mice Israel is training to infest people's homes. And what about the spiders and ants Israel has wrought on Gaza.

Bullying Jews and attacking Jews in New York is rampant. At least Mamdani lived up to his campaign promises.
 
People are still complaining about 3.8 billion dollars funding to Israel for military equipment. That’s nothing. Ask Mamdani what 3.8 billion dollars is in a budget, and how many shuls can be attacked with it.
JD Vance is complaining too. And he hasn't talked with Tucker Carlson in years.
Many in Israel don't want the funding. And that is the first recorded time in history that Jews are saying no to money. And we are starting to get this antisemitic thing down.

Another ceasefire. Wait. Iran broke it. But America is the ones who broke it.
Let us explain how international law works. It doesn’t make a difference who breaks the ceasefire first. If you break it second, you’re to blame. The International Criminal Court will hopefully get these evil regimes who break ceasefires after they've been shot at. JD Vance will explain it to you. To quote, "As long as they hate the Jews too."

Mamdani refuses to go to Israel Day Parade, giving the Jewish community at least something to celebrate.
He made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens.

Somebody used the saying, "No Jews, no news," like they came up with a unique idea. Like they created it.
 
Trump says he's going to wipe out the IRGC civilization. Causes uproar. Americans are not happy with this statement. IRGC says they're going to wipe out and kill all Americans. Americans support it.
It's all Israel's fault.

Wait. Another ceasefire. Shoot. They broke it.

Still haven't seen the new Ayatollah. Which means he's alive.
 
We would stop here, but there is a lot more Jew hatred to get through.

Any genocide ever done was Jews. Armenian genocide. That was the Jews. Sudan. The Jews. Jiffy Lube genociding people, charging full price on oil changes. Jews. Spanish Inquisition. The Jews did that.
People in America and Europe are mad that Israel is defending itself. To quote: "It's so much harder to kill these people when they defend themselves." Response to quote: "That's a genocide." 

You can't say you're against the IRGC, Hamas or Hezbollah. It's racist. Saying you're against terrorism is blatant racism. You're not allowed to converse and have conversation. Conversation is racist.
​
Italy wants to take military action against Israel, as they didn’t kill enough Jews during the Inquisition. Spain gets involved too. To quote, "You can't have an Inquisition without us." Some German and Polish politicians don't want to be left out. "We did what we could during the Holocaust, where the Jews were committing genocide." IT'S THE JEWS!!!!
I'm beginning to understand what genocide means. It has something to do with supporting Jewish right to live.
 
Lebanon and Israel sign a peace treaty. Lebanon is trying to figure what that means. “Who has to follow this?!”
Peace is a very offensive word. Only used by genocidal racists.

Iran executes its people. Including wrestler. It's the Jews fault. JD Vance said it’s because of Israel. Jews are genocidal executioners. Might as well. That Abby Martin woman has it down. She knows how to express Jew hate.
 
Flotilla comes to Gaza again. They won’t stop with these vacation ideas. How Gaza became the number one destination for these cruise ships is an anomaly we can’t figure out. Tourism in Gaza must be peaking. Other tour guides in Israel are out of business.
Whoever the tour company is that’s spreading this Gaza Experience is truly bait and switching these people. Personally. We would suggest Jerusalem, Chevron, Nazareth. The ancient sites. Maybe get Tel Aviv in there for the beach. Maybe go for a swim to Gaza to do some spying.
The people on the Flotilla came to spread peace and love to the Gazans. Bringing drugs, condoms, and cheers of “Death to America. Death to Israel.”
Israel gets in trouble for not letting the Flotilla in. New policy that people are fighting for is the idea that countries should only allow people that hate them in. Americans have been working real hard on enforcing this policy in their country.
 
Somehow, Gaza is still a topic. And every citizen of Gaza is a journalist.

Democrats support their candidate with a Nazi tattoo. It turns out that having a Nazi tattoo means you’re against Nazis. Bernie Sanders fully understands this. The real problem is Donald Trump.
 
And more Jews got beat up. Thought we would throw that in as a pick-me-up. 
 
Trump suggests Syria deal with Hezbollah. You need somebody in there that's going to attack Israel.
 
Displaced Lebanese is a problem. Displaced Israelis is not a problem. Another pick-me-up.

They don't understand why Israel attacks people who are shooting at them. Israel. A bunch of ceasefire breakers. Shooting back.
Are these people idiots?! These people that are talking want us gone. It's clear these people are all lying. Trying to come up with anything to get rid of Jews. Another pick-me-up.
 
Kill Jews is now something you’re allowed to say you want to do. It’s fine. As long as you’re not against terrorism.
Guy in LA got one year in jail for killing a Jew at a protest. Many people were mad that he got one year. Did the jury not realize he killed a Jew?!
That’s dark. Hope that’s another pick-me-up for you.
That’s the end of the pick-me-up section this month. Now let’s talk about Turkey.
 
Wait. Turns out Turkey doesn't like us either. 
Turkey foreign minister said “A burden that humanity can no longer bear. A problem the world needs to solve.” What is the problem? Jews. If we have to explain, you’re probably a genocidal colonizing. We ran out of words to say. Abby Martin has it down. She can help you curse Jews.
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election.
They backed off from Nazi tattoo guy, once they realized he was associated with rape. To quote, "He did not rape Jews. And to this, we are very much against him." 
Mamdani is still around, so you know there are problems in New York.
To finish off the message for the Democrats, Rahm Emanuel came to Israel to let his Jewish brothers and sisters know how much he hates them. 


Seems to be the new talk. Nobody can stand Jews. Jews are annoying. Everybody hates them. Seems like all of these anti-Semites have been to our shul. A bunch of members of our synagogue. We as a people have to stop taking our board meetings public.

Katz’s deli bans Mamdani. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them. And people say the Jews aren't fighting back.

A Fatwa was put out on Donald Trump. He wasn't included in the Fatwa on everybody.
​
Lindsey Graham passed away and left-wing people celebrate it, because he stood for peace and a great America. And that is racist.

JD Vance makes it clear that he hates Israel again. He’s extremely bothered that he has to keep on saying this. He wants everybody to know he hates Jews.  
Apparently, Israelis want to keep the war going indefinitely. Israelis love being attacked. And the reason this MOU, which Iran agreed to and did not follow through with, did not work, is because of Israel. Thought we would end on a pick-me-up.
Marco Rubio makes sense. So, we have nothing to say about him.

Conclusion
The Jews did it. Turns out we perpetrated the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust. Ask Candace Owens. And we are behind dog racing. Didn’t want to leave out Candace.
 
Jews will be blamed for whatever other people do. Which is why Rachel stops people who are drinking too much alcohol. She's driving home, she doesn't want to be caught for somebody else drinking and driving.

We counted eighty-four ceasefires. Ceasefires are very dangerous. That's when you have to watch yourself.

People truly hate us. And others are starting to believe them. And that is what is called politics.
This JNS TV stuff is a real downer. This proJewish news stuff can truly bring Jews down. We have to start watching more antisemitic news outlets to feel better about ourselves as Jews. As our grandfathers asked their friend reading Jew hating newspaper, “Why do you read Pravda?” “I read the Forward and we’re dying. They’re all trying to kill us. I read Pravda. We’re running the banks. We run the newspapers. We run the world. I feel better.”

Lindsey Graham, a man who stood for truth, justice and peace, should have an Aliyas Nishama, an ascendance of the soul. We hope that's not considered racist.

This is all messed up. This is all bizarre. How people are going for this Jew and Israel hate stuff. We hope this news is a good pick-me-up.
May this be a Tzom Moeel. And may we witness the redemption. We hope that’s not a genocidal thing to say.

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? It was Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shavua is a week. We’re celebrating Shavuot. Shavuot is two weeks. Shavuot really comes seven weeks after Pesach. Even though it's one or two days, it's still called Shavuot. Not Yomeet. Yom means day. Education. That's why we do these puns for the youth. It should be called Yomeeot.

The IRGC won’t negotiate. Though, they insist, they have 60% Iranian. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s uranium. They’re saying they have 60% Iranians. They’re Middle Eastern. It sounds the same to them. It’s their English. It's not very good. That's why the negotiations are going nowhere.
 
Jews in Denmark wait till Shkiyah (sunset) to eat their dessert, because it’s DayNisht. (Mordechai)
You get it? Danish. DayNisht. That's Yiddish for "not day." Danish, the pastry. Jews in Denmark speak Yiddish while eating Danish. A little known fact about the pastry that not many know. 

The doctor brought up the war in Iran. I didn’t know what to say, as I don’t follow the news. So, she gave me topical medication. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Topical. News. On top of the skin. The doctor prescribed political medication. Meds to help me with the news... Maybe the doctor was suggesting regular meds. I don’t know. Either way, it was topical. For the guy who had the rash, that’s what they were talking about that day.

Keebud Av vEim requires a child gets their parents snacks. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Keebud means refreshments. It also means to honor. Honor your parents. You honor your parents by going to the dessert table for them. Getting them cookies. Education. We here at the Kibbitzer are about teaching Mitzvot and how to approach a buffet.

The 17th of Tammuz went from dawn till night. Boy that was fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s a fast day. A quick fast day. It’s not like Tisha BAv that we start the night before. It's a fast fast. Tisha BAv is a slow day.

I got a great deal on Tzitzit. I was amazed. The salesperson said, “That’s the price. No strings attached.” (Mordechai)
You get it? Tzizit. Fringes. Strings. Tzizit need them attached.

​***Note: You've learned that Shavuot should be called a day and that Danish Jews eat Danish. And then we kept you up to date on politics. Explaining you can learn more about Iran with topical medication. It's all about education for us. For the children. And that’s why we focus on Mitzvot like Tzitzit with no strings attached.

Our scholar-in-residence will be addressing ways to take in Nachis from your untalented child.
It’s come to the committee’s attention that parents are expressing pride in how great their kids are. Your children are not. We know them. They role on the shul floor. Something is wrong with them. They’re messed up. Mrs. Simkovitz. Your child’s not good at basketball. Or music. Or Torah. Sometimes love is unconditional. Give them that and accept failure. Take in Nachis from the love you give your child who is bad at piano.
 
Many women in our congregation don’t say “Hi” or acknowledge people. They’re only being rude because they’re good Jews. The rabbi would like the members to know, it’s Halacha to be unfriendly.
 
Chesed Opportunities: A shul welcoming committee. We need volunteers. We ask no Frum girls that just got back from seminary help. They’re good Jews and focused on Torah, and not saying “Hi.”
 
Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Treating People Like Dreck. How to Take Nachis- An Art Form Mastered by Our Congregants. What To Do with Children That Accomplish Nothing- A More In Depth Look at How Mrs. Simkovitz Still Has Nachis. Welcoming People and How Smiling Makes You Less Frum- A Guest Speaker from Mrs. Simkovitz's Daughter's Seminary.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We have the most untalented kids in our congregation. Yet, every parent takes pride in these things. The Nachis. That's what love does. It puts on Nachis blinders. It's only the parents. The community takes no pride. I've never seen a community member shouting out, "We are so proud of the way our little ones drop their lollipops on the floor."

I have to hear this Nachis thing all the time from the parents.
“You’ve got to see my kid. Just went shopping and picked out a shirt.” Ugliest shirt. The kid is not even just not athletic. Can’t pick out a shirt right. It was a tennis shirt. Who wears a tennis shirt when it's not tennis?! Not Frum people.
These kids have no talent. The art coming out of the day school. What they do with papier-mâché. It's a sad sight. I see their work and a tear comes to my eye. It looks like a bunch of hardened balloons. That's what their art looks like. Porridge on a balloon. And these parents take pride in it. It makes me feel sad. The amount these parents have to work to find Nachis. I saw the piano recital. The child isn't even talented enough to sit still at the piano. Mrs. Simkovitz must feel so dumb paying for that.
Nachis is how they justify the amount they pay for the lessons. They look at their child, hurt real bad on the inside and say, "That's my Nachis." And then the cost of Jewish day school. The amount of times I had to hear these off-tune kids singing "Mah Nishtana."
The parents in our shul need to show less love. It just hurts to see the hoops they have to jump through to find Nachis.
And then they sell it. "My Sarah Bracha. Did you see her read the certificate for everyone at the graduation." This is what you're selling to me?! A horrific reading of a piece of paper. The worst kindergarten graduation I've ever seen. Sarah Bracha was pathetic.
 
The scholar-in-residence had nothing to do with Judaism. Just came to help our congregants feel better about their unsuccessful children. I wish the Feldberg parents much luck with their Nachis. The Feldberg son is still living at the house. That's the talent the mother Schepps the Nachis about with her 28-year-old. "Our son is so good. He picks up groceries sometimes."
 
The Frum women just come off as rude. I appreciate the rabbi for letting us know this is Halacha. I don't think I've ever been greeted in the shul by one of the religious ones that's not the rebbetzin.
Malkie was a nice girl and then she learned to be not friendly. The rabbis taught her that at seminary. Mrs. Simkovitz’s girl is good at not being friendly. That’s something to take Nachis in. And rightfully so, she told me, "My girl is very holy. She can't associate with people like you."

​It seems to be a new thing, where religious women feel closer to Gd by being people who don't smile. A serious look of judgment. They have given me that. Maybe that's their greeting. To say, "You are going to Gehenim. Hell. That's what you represent."
 
At the welcoming committee meeting, they decided that not one Frum woman can be on it. I believe the whole shul is trying to figure out why they ignore everybody. They truly do. They especially ignore men. They're very good at it. How they meet and decide on marriage is beyond me.
I didn't know women were supposed to be ignored too. I guess it’s practice. SheLo Lishma Ba Lishma. When you do something not for the sake of the Mitzvah, it helps when you need to do the Mitzvah. They do it with the women so they can be better at being rude to the men. And they’re very good at it.
I think it has to do with my level of Frumkite, Jewish religiousness. If you only keep Shabbis and Kosher, it's as if you're a heretic. Which makes you just as Asur to talk to as a man. I asked the rabbi if that was the case, and he said it's my short sleeves. "It's because you wear short sleeves during the summer. You're a heretic. It's too bad your mom passed away. She would've at least taken Nachis in you."
If somebody was wearing a tennis shirt, I would understand not saying hi to that heretic. It's also the way those things fit. They're always tight. It's unbecoming. It's very uncomfortable to talk to people in tennis shirts. 

And it turns out, Pinchas is still single and can't find a girl to talk to in the shul.