That is what a Jewish dad looks like. At least mine. Since I've left the house he's had this goofy smile. (Photo: Eugene Levy - Wikimedia Commons)
I still felt like I hadn't fulfilled the Mitzvah of Father's Day. With everything from last year, my father still didn’t buy me a flight to fulfill the Mitzvah correctly. If my dad doesn't give me money, how can I do the Mitzvah for him?
So, I needed to find a father in Israel to fulfill the Mitzvah. I Need To Fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day A kind religious Jew noticed me sulking at a bus stop outside the Old City of Jerusalem. "Why would a man be sulking?" he asked. I told him I need a dad. He said, "You're thirty years old. It's time for you to grow up." It was hard hearing that from a six-year-old. I explained. "I needed a Tateh to fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day." The kid said he never learned about the Mitzvah of Father's Day. Which was bothersome. You would think nursery school is the one place they would teach about that. Another man at the bus stop overheard my whining and told me that in Israel they celebrate Father's Day every day. I let him know I don't have enough money for that many gifts. I also expressed how not happy my father would be if he had to pay for that many gifts for me to buy him. One man began shouting in prayer form "Avinu SheBashamim" (Gd in Heaven). I found out he had a falling out with his father, and he now only sees H' as his father. Another guy said that Rav Ovodia Yosef is our father in heaven. It turns out he saw the Shas slogan before the last election. I was very confused. And I wasn't going to buy gifts for Rav Ovadia Yosef who had already passed away. As for H', I will bring Him gifts when He rebuilds the Temple. I Finally Found a Dad Sitting at the bus stop, I saw a man smack a child on his Tush for not running into the street. I said, "That's a Dad. I finally found one." The child yelled at his dad. It turns out this family also doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I told the dad about the idea of Father's Day and Mother's Day, and how Americans make sure to make it easier on those parents on those days. And he said to his child, "If this is tradition, today, you watch over yourself." And the dad went to play billiards. I followed this dad to the pool hall, as his child was stranded at the bus stop in commemoration of Father's Day. I told him he was a great dad. He said, "I don't know you." I told him I was his today. As he left the pool hall and passed by his kid, he made his way to his house. I followed him and he kept asking me to reiterate this concept of not having to watch over your children on this day. I had just learnt that all Jews are responsible for each other and thus I told him he is responsible to be my dad. He told me, "You're not getting any money." He then kicked me out of his house. To quote: "I never met you. Get out of my house before I shoot you... You're not getting an inheritance from me!" I left that house and prayed that guy's kid was OK. It's amazing how Mitzvahs can backfire on a stranded eight-year-old. Follow Up Notes They don't celebrate Father's Day in Israel. The Mitzvah seems to be you're supposed to honor your father every day. That's painful. I told my rabbi I was thinking about going back to America where you don't have to honor your father as much. My rabbi told me the Mitzvah is every day in America too. My rabbi also said that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah, and somebody should bring that child back to his house. My rabbi ended up reporting that Israeli father for neglect of a third grader. I found a dad. It was somebody else's. It turns out that his child has to do his own Kibud Av vEim. I can't do it for him. Otherwise, I will get locked up. I still felt it important to follow up with the Israeli father to fulfill extra Kibud Av vEim, and to make sure his child was OK. I sent a card to the Israeli father. He didn't appreciate it as he didn't understand my Hebrew transliterated into English. The card read, "Mah Shlomcha... Ani Choshev Alecha..." I believe it's good he didn't understand the card. It's a good thing he didn't understand, "How are you?... I am thinking about you..." I learned that hose are the last words written on a letter from a serial killer. They might have reported me for stalking. I showed up at their house and we had a BBQ and his kids thought it was Independence Day. I was thinking about buying a Father's Day gift for the Israeli dad, but that didn't happen. I didn't buy the Israeli father a shirt at Fox. Nobody needs to see another Israeli dad walking around in a tight shirt. Walking down the beach in Tel Aviv is already painful enough. My rebbe later taught me that there is no substitute for your father. I started calling my rabbi, my rebbe. This way I could blame him if I did anything wrong. "Honor the elderly." That's a precept I learned a few days later. One that you must practice with people that aren't your dad. Hence, I stopped treating other people as my dad. Instead I started treating them as elderly and treated them with the respect one must show our seniors, as the Mitzvah teaches. It turns out that not all fathers in their forties like when you take them by the arm to help them cross the street. From now on, I'm going to call my dad and say "I love you," no matter how awkward it makes our relationship. That will be my Father's Day gift. It's cheaper for my father and less of a hassle than picking out an Israeli dad. It's also easier than traveling back to America for a visit. I don't want them to have to renovate the kitchen every Father's Day, so I can eat in it. I don't know if me starting to keep Kosher is a good Father's Day gift. After calling my father every day for a week, he told me it's not a Mitzvah to call every day. To quote, "Part of honoring me is not having to hear from you." Tags:
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(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started. The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten. Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way. And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried. (Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow. You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life. Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money... The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke. How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nasso6/8/2025 
Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give. It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha. And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom... (Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs. Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner. "Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is. I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?... The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva. And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation. No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation... Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics... This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay. Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum. Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation. It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors. There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat. You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly. Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!... This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk... It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper. Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur... You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah. I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation. We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy... The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men. Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault... We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you... We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks... We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want... We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!! Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous... Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's... In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners... Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that. To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense." Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi. The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff... I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers. The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people. The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing. The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima. Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul. People come to shul to talk. For good conversation. At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money. The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that." Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else. The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd." Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish. Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit. The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul. The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity. A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy. Tags:
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Circle Dancing at the Kotel – On the Bridge with My Brothers: Adventures of Mikakel Kaleekaku6/4/2025 
That will definitely disturb my Davening. Happy people have a way of getting in the way of Kavanah.
We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world. Singing Continues After Your Pray I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets. Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes. Holding Hands In the Moment When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced. Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people. The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me. I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. And Now "Acheinu" All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze. Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened. The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that. "Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat. I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight. The Sun Is Rising The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration. It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired. Final Conclusion I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us. The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students." And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot. And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form. I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either. "Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day. I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times. I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans. And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night. Tags:
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I can't go this Shavuot without helping you figure out more ways to stay up all night by not learning Torah.
We've discussed many ways to stay up over the years. Eating blintzes, a lot of blintzes to take up more time, drinking coffee, drinking coke, the talking to people method, meeting a potential spouse method of staying up Shavuot, even if it creeps out the ladies at the Shiur, extending dinner to stay away from the Tikun Leil Shavuot lectures. You also have the discussion technique of finding out about what people's college graduates are planning on doing after they've been crashing at their parent's home for the past three years- a great way to disturb somebody, helping them lose sleep. Last Shavuot I noticed more creative ways to stay up, and I shall share them with you, to help. Definitely. Do not learn Torah. The idea is to remain awake for the receiving of the Torah without learning it. The Snacks Method "Snacks" is how secular Jews say Kiddish. You had the meal. Meals stop. Snacks don't. The meal is over, what do you do? You can’t eat dessert all night. You snack. The Snack Method consists of you eating more. You ate before you came back to shul to talk while others are learning. Now, you eat more. Good Jews eat more. If you don't know how to eat more, you're not a good Jew and you probably don't even keep the holiday of Shavuot. And you don't deserve to receive the Torah, which commands you to eat more than you can. You probably don't even know what “keep” means. Keep is how Frum Jews practice Mitzvot. They keep them. Religious Jews keep Mitzvot very close to themselves, which is why they hold by them. While you are eating, you socialize. Don't stop eating. If you stop, somebody might suggest you go to another class. It's healthier to eat than to listen to a lecture at 2am. The difference between the Snacks Method and the Gorging Method is that you can talk while eating snacks. When gorging, your mouth must be full at all times, thus not leaving space for correct pronunciation. Sing a Niggun Singing can take up a bunch of time. Nigguns can take up even more time. The Niggun has no words, nor does one know where the chorus and verses are. Hence, the Niggun only ends when it stops. And you do not stop, or the lecture will start. And lectures induce sleep. The idea is an activity. A Shavuot dance party is a great way to spend the night. The Manhattan JCC has capitalized on Shavuot activities that have nothing to do with Torah, which is the perfect way to stay up throughout the night for the Torah. A dance party with a DJ and a decent action movie, maybe some Karaoke and a cash bar. Great ways to spend the Shavuot holiday, getting through the night, without having to think about Torah. You may even want to head to a bar or a casino and sing a Niggun there. Staying away from Jews and playing slot machines may help you stay up. I don't believe the Manhattan JCC has thought about Shavuot slot machines yet. Pictures of blintzes and cheesecake with Torahs would be perfect reels, along with Lucky Number 18. Again, we're just trying to help you stay awake. The idea is to stay up. Politics Get involved in a political debate with any member of my shul. That will last a good three hours, before you have a chance to share your opinion. Play Boardgames We've discussed Jewish boardgames. Yet, regular boardgames that don't have to do with Mitzvot may be an easier way to stay up. They're social, will helpfully disturb any lecture, and they are all Jewish. Boardgames is how you have fun when you have no access to the internet, making them Shabbisdik and Jewish. Sit in a class and open up a Chess board. The sound of smacking down a Chess piece will definitely shift the focus of the Shiur. If you have Monopoly that is also fun. The dice make some good noise. Dice rolling, along with a loud "I will take Boardwalk - thank you," will help shift the rooms focus to the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, which was given to the Jews at Sinai. Games nights are a regular Friday night event in Jewish communities around the globe. Games nights used to be for fans of comics and Dungeons and Dragons, until they learned about technology and the joys of being able to play games without interacting with people. Now game nights are only for Frum people, who are not allowed to enjoy Shabbat without people. You can play Monopoly. I don't suggest Settlers of Catan, known by many Jew haters as Occupiers of Catan. Eating More Remember to eat. And to not stop eating. Otherwise, you will have to learn. The popping over to other people's homes method is a great way to lengthen eating duration and save money. You eat their food. Cheesecake can get kind of expensive. Eating as many meals as possible also helps. This is why the first eat a dairy meal and then eat a meat meal tradition started. You finish the meat meal at 2am and you don't have to learn very much. Do Not Learn Anything you are doing that is not learning or listening to lectures will help. You can also set an alarm and let it run. It's very hard to sleep with one of those things beeping all night. Let the alarm go off in the Beit Midrash. Bothering people who are trying to learn also a great way to stay up. Bothering people is a fun activity, and will help you stay awake, even if you forgot the alarm. The exercise technique should not be overlooked. Bring a squat-rack into the Beit Midrash. Lifting weights in bro form, with other dudes cheering you on, will keep you awake and definitely bother the others who are trying to figure out why Rava is wrong again. This can also help others by keeping them in shape between Chavrusas. I am just trying to help here. Don't forget the Niggun method. With the way people at my shul harmonize, nobody will be able to learn with that disturbance. Again, the idea is to disrupt people to help them stay up. Even better. Get somebody from the Manhattan JCC to set up a DJ booth in the Beit Midrash. Again. Do not learn. If you do end up being forced to learn, ask questions. If you're learning the Gemara about the people fighting over a Tallis, ask questions about Tzitzis. You can get through a whole night asking, "Does people fighting over a Tallis apply to Tzitzis? Let's say they were each grabbing the Tzitzis? Would the Tzitzis not rip? Is it Rava or Rabba? That always confuses me, which one is which." You will be learning and bothering the person you're learning with at the same time. This all helps with staying awake. Once you move further into the Gemara and start learning Tosfot, you're spacing out and falling asleep. Again. The eating method is the best way to stay up. Eat and drink coffee and put on a few pounds. Putting on weight, the Gorging Method, is the most accepted technique for not falling asleep. The Cheesecake Method is the most trusted of the Gorging Methods, as it offers you extra time in the bathroom. And one may not learn in the bathroom. Thus, nobody will bother you there. And do not forget the Walking to the Kotel for Vatikin Davening Method. If you are living outside of Jerusalem that walk will definitely eat up some time. Just remember to set up the correct food parcels for the trip, thus helping you put on weight while walking to the Kotel. Therefore, practicing the Jewish holiday rituals of staying up all night and putting on weight. Again. Do not learn. Tags:
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Announcements
The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.” Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar. Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something. The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions. Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft. “...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish. When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum... Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown... It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard... It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here... (Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase... The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies... Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd. Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd... We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job. Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar... The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd." And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work. This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns. We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday... The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas. If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements... Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night... A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!! We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah. Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot. You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf... You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'... In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first. We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year... You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something. There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident. Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar... Maybe announce events on time... I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come... You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance. If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid... Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council... You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist. It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase. Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!! Rivka's Rundown The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands. The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist. The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa. The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly. That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building. The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party. How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late. Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that. I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed. Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened. For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money. The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for." The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage. Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul. The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning. I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it. The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it. The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation. The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser. Tags:
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Let us continue the Yom Yerushalayim dancing we were talking about yesterday. It's just a meaningful story. No Torah. But there is dancing, and the Kotel. So, it's meaningful.
Kol HaOlam Koolo or Davening During These Times The Kol HaOlam Koolo (Whole World) Circle began and I was in it. Once you're in the circle of unity, you feel the unity and you're not leaving it. Unity takes up a lot of room in a very small space. It's very hard to maneuver around unity. Not being able to move is very unifying. "The whole world is a narrow bridge" and I was on that bridge with my people. You sing those words, especially during these times and you feel the unity. The unity of our people, packed together, making it very hard to get to The Wall. During These Times "During these times" is what you say when you're talking about bad stuff. I learned that from my Israeli rabbis. It's always "During these times." It's never "In these times." In these times things are not that bad. It's during these times that something is very wrong. Nothing good has ever happened during these times. "In these times" all is fine and dandy. "During those times" is not bad. During those times, they had flower petals on beds and unicorns. Things are always bad during these times. It's been "during these times" in Israel for a very long time. When you sing about a narrow bridge, it somehow all makes sense. These times makes a lot of sense. And there I was, touching and swaying many narrow bridges. It was hours of narrow bridges. Greater than any Tefillah. It was Achdut, unity and a narrow bridge. Too narrow to make it to the Kotel. Perfect for crowd surfing. Which would've helped me get to the Kotel sooner. I needed to be part of my people during these times. That was my only choice. I had to dance with my people. I was stuck. Why would anybody want to leave a narrow bridge during these times?! It was during these times that I am talking. I've never heard a good Frum Jew talking about in these times. Such a merit. A Zechus. I have to tell my rebbe. I was at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim during these times. Still In the Circle We stayed in a circle. There was nowhere to go. We were at the Kotel already. The Kotel Plaza. Then, all the sudden, the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle turned into a Hora. Movement was faster and I side-danced with the circle till I could break to the Kotel side. I had to time the angle on the Kotel side of the circle. There was some Hora back-stepping, which impeded my sideways progress. Nonetheless, I finally got to The Wall side. It was on this Yom Yerushalayim that I felt the beginning of redemption, the hand holding, the circle. That is how we dance: circle, sometimes get the middle cypher going, one hand hold kick and switch the kick. The idea is to touch the guy next to you. I Finally Made it to the Kotel I finally made it to the Kotel, side-stepping with the Hora. I'd practiced this move on Friday nights, trying to make it to The Wall during a Carlebach Minyin. You dance with them and at the 180 degree point, you separate from the circle and join the next circle. A circlized mixer dance. Some men have a very tight grip, developed from years of Tish dancing. Yet, I made it to The Wall after pinching one of the guys hands to get out of his vise grip. I was worried I would never make it. Yet, once they moved into Hora and Shwekey songs, it started to move. Hora circles move. Sometimes they move backwards, but they still move. The singing did disturb my Davening (prayers) and I did tell them to stop singing for a few minutes, so I could focus on my Amidah silent prayer. It turned out that my voice was not heard by the nation at the Kotel. So, I Davened. I was not willing to part with tradition. Then I remembered, I like dancing during Davening. Which is hard to do during the Amidah, where I have to keep my feet in place. So, I started swaying. Known as Shuckling, one could not tell if I was dancing or Davening to "Hava Nagilah." I Finished Davening and My People Kept Going I thought I was done after Davening. I had finished the journey. I did what my rebbe wanted. I danced to the Kotel with my people and prayed. It was meaningful. I had united. What now?! After I Davened, or danced- I don't remember which one- I meant to pray to Gd- there was definitely dancing, I heard them back on the "Kol HaOlam Koolo." The Hora can only last so long. After 3:30am it's hard to keep the Hora energy up. Even the young people decided to join the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I was trying to figure out how to get past the circle before 6am. I had work that morning, and I did not have a car, or the ability to beep at people who were celebrating. As I was leaving the packed Kotel wall, I walked backwards in deference to the holiness of the place and to make it easier to look like I didn't mean to knock over the people I was walking into. You actually move faster that way. When you walk backwards and you injure people at the Kotel, you get out of there faster, and they forgive the action as religious duty. I got past a few people, walking over them. I was ready to continue Yom Yerushalayim with sleep. Singing Kept Me I couldn't continue walking backwards from the Kotel. The unity drew me in. This time my heart was open. Without a need to go to The Wall, I found myself holding hands with my nation. Finally, back in the Old City of Jerusalem, celebrating Yom Yerushalayim, all different types of Jews defined by their Kippas. Kippot Srugot (knitted yarmulkes) Jews, satin and velvet Yarmulke Jews, known as Charedim, soldiers, Sherut Leumi, kids, adults. All heretics. None of them looked like me. If they learned from my rabbi, they might not have been heretics. Nonetheless, they were all my people and not one of the heretics was rebuking another. One people with this new heretical form of Davening, singing "Kol HaOLam Koolo" and dancing real slow, with smiles, taking over the Kotel. During these times, nobody attacked my people, asides from myself trying to get out of the Kotel. Conclusion It's all more meaningful during these times. Being with my people, unifying in song during these times. Unity doesn't move. Unity keeps our people together. Unity had me Davening with a bunch of heretics. Unity keeps us rooted in the past. Unity keeps us from running. Unity keeps us from getting home and stops buses from getting out of the Old City. Unity keeps people from waking up for work. Unity ruins my Kavanah. Unity makes Davening meaningful. Unity is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It is being together in Yerushalayim. That's what the holiday is about. It's not about getting anywhere. It's about being there. At least that makes me feel better about not moving very far and skipping work the next day. Note: “Singing ‘Kol HaOlam Koolo’ and dancing real slow” has a nice ring to it. Tags:
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The side to side jump dance used at all Israeli functions. Weddings, sporting events, protests. You can tell this was in celebration as there is no soccer ball and nobody is holding a sign.
I went to the Kotel for Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day. I hope I didn't do anything Asur. I hope celebrating Jerusalem as a Jew isn't forbidden according to Halacha. I don't know. Some of my rabbis seem to not be big fans of the whole Six Day War and reclaiming Jerusalem. I just want to do the right thing. If it was celebrating Brooklyn, a Brooklyn Day, I would feel connected to my people. The Halacha would be clear. A decent deli and a corned beef on rye is something we have celebrated as a Jewish people. I'm still getting used to Yerushalayim and shawarma. Anyways, I celebrated Yom Yerushalayim with a Reuben sandwich.
Shavuot is a pilgrimage festival and it's coming up, and that's another question I'm discussing with my rabbi. I'm now in Yerushalayim and it's going to be hard for me to make it to Brooklyn for the Chag. Background to My First Kotel Dance It used to be the Koysel. Now I'm calling it the Kotel. What's happened to me. I'm not even Frum anymore. I might as well accept it. Shavuot. Now I'm going to the Kotel for Shavuot. Not even Shavuis. I remember my first Friday night dance at the Kotel. It was the Kabbalat Shabbat service and the Yeshiva Bachurs got sick of Davening. So they started singing. Then they started singing stuff that wasn't even words. A Nay Nay Nay thing. Then they put down their Siddurs, started dancing. I didn't want to join them in their protest, as I was fine praying. But they pulled me in. And then I heard they were dancing in service of Gd. So, I joined them. It's definitely easier to focus on Tefillah without the prayers. It was a very aggressive form of Kiruv. When I became religious, many people were trying to help bring me closer to Gd. Nobody ever pulled me physically or yanked me to be a better a Jew. The Jewish dance circle was a very violent form of Kiruv. I'd heard about what they call NCSY youth advisors who have injured many high school kids' arms by pulling them into what they called "Pre-Shabbat Ruach Circles," but I never had a shoulder pulled out of my socket for the sake of Gd before. At first I didn't like this dancing in lieu of Davening. But then I got used to not praying and I started going to the Kotel to dance on Friday nights. I have now danced at the Kotel many of times since I became religious, to get out of having to Daven. But Yom Yerushalayim is the holiday of Jerusalem, and we were celebrating Jerusalem. I did not know what to be prepared for. I had no idea what to expect. I came with extra shoulder protection, a sling, and knee guards just in case. My Rabbi Said to Go "It's Yom Yerushalayim" I was trying to make my way to the Kotel, the iconic spot of the Six Day War. My rabbi told me go. It turns out my rabbi is a Zionist. If I would've known that in advance, I would've learned somewhere else and found another rabbi. I would've probably went to learn in Poland. Now, I'm a Charedi who's saying Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim with a Bracha. The only Charedi who celebrates Shavuot. I should've known. My rabbi was wearing Techeilet. Only Zionist rabbis have the blue fringes on their Tzitzit. True ultra-Orthodox Jews do not follow those Mitzvahs. What kind of rabbi tells his student to go to the Kotel?! Maybe I'm not Charedi now. I don't know. It changes depending on who's pulling me into what circle. But my rabbi told me, "It's Yom Yerushalayim. You join your people and follow the tradition. Listen to the rabbis' speeches at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav for three hours. After not understanding a thing they say, you march to the Kotel. Go with your people and Daven Maariv." Making My Way to The Kotel I started walking to the Kotel from Merkaz HaRav at the entrance to the city. I couldn't make it anywhere. I was surrounded by random people dancing. I realized that if we're dancing already two miles from the entrance to the Old City, which is another kilometer away from the Kotel, it's going to be a long night. I was bothered, "Why is everybody dancing?! There is no reason to dance. Nobody is Davening!" To which I was told that people dance outside of the Kotel too. To which I said, "That's Asur." We weren't moving. I shouted, "We're nowhere near the Kotel. We're only at the central bus station. If you don't stop dancing, we'll never make it to the Kotel." It was at this moment that some of the people said, "Shoot. We'll never make it to the Kotel at this pace. I don't think we've moved. The circle just goes around. I think I'm back where I was ten minutes ago." And the circle opened up, and with arms around each other we all continued dancing in the direction of the Old City. And we started moving very slowly. They were jumping side to side. They were still dancing. I tried telling them that a march, like my rabbi suggested, would get us their quicker. Though a brisk walk would work better. I'm going to bring that up at our next Shiur. You don't move very fast no matter how you dance. You won't make it anywhere quickly dancing. It will slow down any activity. Grocery shopping, a visit to the doctor's office, Davening. It wasn't a hop skip and jump movement. They were doing this side to side jump dance, which I've noticed they do at sporting events and protests. It was the same dance. It moves quite slowly, as the direction is not forward. If turning toward the Kotel, it might have been faster. For a moment I thought they were protesting, until I heard a cheer of "Yerushalayim Shelanu. Oley Oley Oley Oley. Yerushalayim!!!" At which point, I realized they were going to a soccer game. They were Beitar Jerusalem fans and they never made it to the Kotel. Other People Are Dancing Too I left that group of dancers and joined another group of dancers who were singing "Yerushalayim Shel Zahav," "Jerusalem of Gold." And we danced down Jaffa Street to the beat of the song, even slower, as another circle was formed. It took a while to break that circle. "Jerusalem of Gold" is quite meaningful in circle form. You do not move fast in circles. That's something that I learned Yom Yerushalayim night. Confirmed. It was a half hour later that we morphed into a semicircle. Opening up the blockade part of the circle allowed for some movement towards the Kotel. I was connected with all my Holy Brethren and Sistren as we moved towards the Old City. Jerusalem. Unified. Dancing through the streets of Yerushalayim in semicircle form. Holding up traffic. Getting beeped. Getting people mad. It turns out that people trying to get home from work don't celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. They don't like circles, and it turns out they also don't like semicircles. The Kotel Plaza - A Circle of Love I made it through Jaffa Gate, Shaar Yafo, with a bit of pushing and running over the people that were in front of me in the semicircle. I finally got to the Kotel Plaza and people were again in circle form. It was six and a half hours since Yom Yerushalayim began. Six and a half hours of circles. The half, representing the half a day it took to clean up after the war. It turns out that groups like to form circles at the Kotel Plaza too. Undeterred I promised myself I would make it to the wall. It may take some extra time and sidestepping along with the circle, but I promised myself I would get to the Kotel. As I sidestepped, on my way to the Kotel, I realized I was part of another circle. I couldn't not be. I could not make my way around without being part of it. They sing and dance on Friday nights, but there are pockets of openness on Shabbat, fulfilling the words, "In the times of the Temple, nobody complained about space in Jerusalem" (misquoted from Pirkei Avot, but still a quote). But the Temple has been destroyed, and there was no room at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, and I am complaining. Here, tonight, on Yom Yerushalayim, there was nowhere to go. I joined the circle. I had to. And before I could yell or ask my people to crowd surf me to The Wall, I found myself singing. Singing the meaningful words I had sung so many times before. The words that touched my heart for so many years as a Baal Teshuva. "Kol HaOlam Koolo." No idea what it means. So I sung. In unison, as our circles became one, our huge circle was singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo Gesher Tzat Meod." It turns out the words mean, "The whole world is a narrow bridge." So beautiful. So fitting, as I was stuck in a circle with no way out. Not even a narrow opening. I've got to get some sleep. I finally got home. I haven't slept since Yom Yerushalayim started. I think they're still dancing. I haven't even got to the Kotel yet. I still haven't Davened. I did. But I have to get sleep. I'll tell you more about me dancing with guys and the narrow bridges tomorrow. Lessons of What Has Followed "Kol HaOLam Koolo Gesher Tzar Meod." I think you understand those words now. From "Jerusalem of Gold" to the "Whole World is a Very Narrow Bridge," that is the progression of our people. Think about that statement, meditate on it. I'm sure something meaningful pop up. I've now adopted this new form of Davening, where I dance and serve Gd by not looking in the Siddur. I am now in much better shape. This new form of Davening has helped my cardiovascular health. It turns out that Davening takes an extra half hour to four hours with dancing. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song. We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.” We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position. After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.” Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you... (Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask... Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination... What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made... The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme... And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!! (Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...” Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery. Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape. Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening... Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you... You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants... It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough... We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed... We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18... Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent... It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah... Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners. I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece. Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food. And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate... The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet. Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet. (Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel... Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination... Rivka's Rundown And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'" "Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav. He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs. The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job. The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart. The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants. To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees." Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka. The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous. They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail." And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now. The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault." They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition. You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd. Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money." They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating. They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme. The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses. The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim. I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas. Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there. Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps. Tags:
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Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation. President: We need more money. Secretary: How do we get it? President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die. Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board. President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death. Secretary: We can focus on dues. President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus. Secretary: But Simchas are nice. President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks. Secretary: But they rent the hall? President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it. Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate. President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies. Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish. Secretary: Why? President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money. Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life. President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque." Rabbi: What about Kaddish? President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that. DISSOLVE TO Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes. President: Dedication plaques We need more. Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted. Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead. Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah. Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats. President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques. Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything. President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death. Secretary: What about asking for donations? President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand. Secretary: Is it always eighteen? Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens. President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand. They continue walking. The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door. Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"? President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed. The president looks at the rabbi. Speech donations. Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it. President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died. They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening. President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque. Secretary: It's just a fridge. Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel. President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf. Secretary: What about the vegetable bins? Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians. President: Get them to plaque it. Looking at the secretary. Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down. Tablecloth. No plaque on it. Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth. President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it. Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give. Secretary: But they haven't died. President: Not yet. Give them a plaque. Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders. Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best. Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine. President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke. Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family. President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine. What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons. THE END Kibbitzer Conclusion The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic. They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer. After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah." The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere. The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away." All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand. The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba. The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences." The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise. The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it. Tags:
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On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Liberals are left leaning. We lean to the left at the Seder. Leaning to the left. They both have that in common. If tradition would be to lean to the right on Pesach, he would've eaten a conservative portion of Matzah. A whole different pun. But the same amount of Matzah. Which brings us to unity. Left-wing and right-wing people eat the same amount of Matzah. It makes no difference who you voted for. What’s a lion’s favorite part of the Seder? MaRoar. (Mordechai) You get it? Maror is the bitter herbs we eat at the Seder. Roar with a Ma. Wanted to help you prepare for Pesach with a thought about lions to share at the Seder, when discussing the four sons and why we eat salt water. To bring some meaning to your holiday. Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It was hoarse. It had a sore throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish, but hoarseradish. If you didn’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true. The bird egg landing on his head and he said it was a blessing. "The yolk of Heaven." (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Religious people accept upon themself the yoke of Heaven. This was the yolk. Yolk of Heaven. The egg of heaven. Sometimes you have to try hard to get a pun. Never give up. What do you call it when somebody gives bread to the shul? A doughnation. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? People give donations. Here it's a doughnation, because there is dough. Sounds the same. It should be the person is giving uncooked bread to the shul. Could even be cake. A not fully baked cake. That would also be a doughnation. Money is sometimes called dough, so this pun has many meanings. Is it a doughnation of money? That's for you to decide. They were doing illegal substances on Lag BOmer around what they called their bongfire. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Bonfire. Bongfire. Smoking up. Stuff you shouldn’t be doing, even if it is Lag BOmer. Don’t do drugs. Sometimes, the message is more important than the pun. Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read. ***If we've learned anything, when reading puns, you can't always focus on the spelling. Only when the pun makes sense without the use of the pun, then you have to focus on the spelling. This I knows. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor5/18/2025
Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months. Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it. We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year. Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic. Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven... You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow... You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people. (Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that. What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens... Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up... Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people... Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?! You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford... Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact... A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul. You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it. Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong... So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made... You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day. Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness. Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent. Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong. I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?... We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph. The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better... They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house... We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do... This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma... You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave.... There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul. Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???! All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens... I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom... From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything. But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple. Rivka's Rundown Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy. The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy." The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise. The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows. I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each. Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore." The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone. They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.” It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330. Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across. And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most. Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k. By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar. Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar. That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact. The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi. Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves. The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye." The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral. Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper. The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed. And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up. Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest." Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up. The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLV5/14/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.
The drying rack has been tinfoiled. I can now use it on Pesach.
Idea: Market Shmurah Matzah that comes not broken. Problem: I thought the $85 box of Matzah would come with one not broken piece. There must be a full piece at the factory, when they make them. All broken. They came all broken. I paid $85 for Matzah bits. They must be tossing around the Matzah in the factory before they ship it. Solution: Becky Bierman said we do have the technology. The Etrog wrapping can easily be used for Matzah.
That’s called taking a chance. I hope somebody in that building is packing. You don’t just put out Israeli flags and not expect people to hate you. And how do you mow that?… And you wonder why there’s antisemitism. It’s the little Israeli flags. It’s this support for Israel stuff. These people saying they like Jews. That’s what causes Jew hatred. And even more, to commemorate the loved ones we’ve lost. That just causes more Jew hatred. If Jews didn’t have Israel and shuls, there would be no antisemitism. Unless if somebody heard about Jews some other way. Like if they heard Jews were around somewhere shopping at a bodega, they would hate Jews… Turns out the anti-Semites who hate Israel didn’t know those were Israeli flags. They thought it was overgrown white and blue grass. Everybody is safe…
The Lag Bomer fire looked dangerous. Especially being that kids lit that uncontained fire out of everything they found in the house (the burning door is all that’s left). And then to see the kid standing less than a foot away, hanging out. Then, I learned about Emunah. Belief in Gd… Next Lag Bomer, I’m guarding my place. Making sure kids don’t get hold of my door or the cabinets. Is that the kid's shirt they're about to throw in?
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Mother's Day just passed, though I got many Shaylas on the day. Many good Frum Jews were wondering if they had to honor their mothers. I thus feel it's important to bring you the history and Halachik discussion of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, Mother’s Day is not a Biblical holiday. It is not mentioned in the Torah. With that in mind, bathing is permissible. The first Mother's Day celebration was held in 1908. Anna Jarvis thought to commemorate her social activist mother’s passing by forcing everybody else to honor their moms too. That’s what activists do. They have an idea and they make everyone else do it. She thought that showing respect for her deceased mother was the proper thing to do, so people pamper their living mothers. And thus, Mother's Day began, in a church. Jews were relieved to hear this was a Christian thing. To quote Yankel Simcha Ben Baruch Avramel, "B"H. If my mother ever heard about this Mother's Day thing, she would make dad cook that night... H' Yishmor. His brisket. We shouldn't know of such things." Not long after, in 1908, Jewish mothers heard about this. It doesn't take long for Jewish mothers to hear about stuff. They talk. The conversation was, "What? You don't have a day for us?!" And Mother's Day became a Jewish thing. Ruchel's kids told her, "Mom. Every day is Mother's Day." Ruchel was not happy with that, and responded, "Is this Mother's Day you speak of a day where I have to make the beds and clean the dishes?!" "But Mom. We do Kibud Av vEim, honoring our parents, every day." To which Ruchel let them know, "Then. You're doing a very bad job." And she went on to list how many times they haven't taken out the trash. After chastising her children for not fulfilling their requirements, they decided that they would have Mother's Day. And so, every Sunday Ruchel Heimowitz and here family celebrated Mother's Day. And Ruchel finally had a day where she didn't have to think about her kids. Originally, the goal of Mother's Day in the Jewish community was to give mothers a chance to forget they had children. Ruchel's friends all thanked her and said, "Mother's Day should be every day. Mrs. Finkelman will do the carpools." Mrs. Finkelman was not able to convince her family that this Mother's Day was a good idea. Jewish kids started riding bikes on Sundays, and thus we have a whole generation of non-religious Jews. In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made it a law. He proclaimed Mother's Day a national holiday. And this is why he is now known as Rabbi Wilson. He deciphered Halacha on behalf of America, and he put together brilliant Responsa. The discussion of this new law made it to the Rabbis. They had already nixed Thanksgiving in preference of having turkey on Friday night. Rabbis discussed President Wilson's proclamation. Pilpul began. "Should we?" "Should we not?" Those two questions went back and forth for two and a half hours, before somebody suggested that there should be an attempt at an answer. Reb Nachum said, "We must honor mothers." To which all of the rabbis said they did. And it turned out, none of them called their mothers that day. Reb Mendel asked, "But is it truly a holiday? Can we add holidays?" Reb Shmuly answered, "We added Chanukah." To which Reb Mendel explained, "We had nothing to do with that." Many of the rabbis were bothered by Reb Mendel's statement, as they took credit for starting Chanukah in 164 BCE. To quote Reb Shmuly, "I was there. Man." Reb Nosson said, "But we have to get gifts on Chanukah." Reb Nachum replied, "Then we should buy our mothers gifts." And his Smicha was revoked by the husbands who were present, in fear they would have to buy their wives more jewelry. After much back and forth amongst the rabbis, as to whether women were important or not, it was decided Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law. To which Reb Baruch said, "My wife's name is Dina." Which had nothing to do with anything. The rabbis thought to call it Wife Appreciation Day. However, that would definitely require them to buy more jewelry. All rabbis were afraid to support the idea of showing appreciation to their wives, as there is no commandment for them to purchase necklaces, and they saw what happened to Rabbi Nachum. To quote Rabbi Nosson, "I get my wife clothes. That's my requirement. I don't appreciate her. I married her. I am living with her. Ganuck. That's enough." Due to the fact that husbands were making the decision, Wife Appreciation Day never took off. To this day it is still Mother's Day. Ruchel Heimowitz was not happy with this new law of Mother's Day. Now, her every Sunday turned into once a year. And now, the rest of the year American children yell at their mothers in public, and hit them when they refuse to buy them LEGO. Yet, on Mother's Day, it is tradition to honor your mother and to allow her time to relax and take a bath. And they can finally go out, one day a year, and talk with their friends not full of filth. And now, on the second Sunday in May, every year, we celebrate women. And the rest of the year, B"H, we don't have to worry about Kibud Av vEim. And that is how we have men cooking in homes. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us. Lessons of What Followed Rabbi Nachum was happily married to his wife for seventy-three years. His wife had much jewelry and he was broke the whole time. From 1914 on, being that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national obligation, Ruchel's kids started taking out the trash once a year. Tags:
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Announcements
This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim. Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280. We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner. Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim. We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans. The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything. Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers. How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name. Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha... I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure... Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka... (Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.” Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation... There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters. It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members... It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities... And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes... Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes... “The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked... These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them... People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul... Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel... Single person is $280... Then get married... $330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day... I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast... Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner? It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now... Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people... What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations. The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated... You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you... You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable. Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part. If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration... No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood... Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there. (Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy... (Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better... Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more... And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks... Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked. We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter... Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing. And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate. “And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone... But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up... Rivka's Rundown I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness. Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?” Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes. The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul. Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching. I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart. It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field. By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken. The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty. Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter. The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence. It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring. I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people. The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul. Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer. The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form. That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun. The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays. We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in. The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked. The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists. Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner. Tags:
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Don't ask. It's an eclectic group of AI Chasidim.
It was Lag BOmer. I had to go to Meiron. It's Lag BOmer. I have to get to the Kever, the grave, of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. I heard about it. I had to go.
There is nothing I love more as a Baal Teshuva than Lag BOmer. And spending Lag BOmer in Meiron is extra Chozer BTshuva glory. The more I see people with Payis jumping, the more connected I feel to Yidishkeit. Like the pictures of Jews my parents had in the den, the one-legged Chasidc dance connects me to Frumniosity. Whoever that artist is, he instilled in me an idea of what Chasidim do. And that's dance on one foot. Not sure if they learn Torah. I definitely know they dance on one foot. And there is no place better to see Chasidim dancing than at the grave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. The Rashbi. So, I made my way to Meiron. I decided travel to the north of Israel by bus, from Yerushalayim. I wanted to experience Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Hillula with my people. And that means with the cheapest form of transportation. Traveling to Merion, I felt like I was part of the nation, our Am, leaving Jerusalem for the pilgrimage festival of Lag BOmer. The fourth of the pilgrimage festivals. The Chag not mentioned in the Torah. The one we leave Yerushalayim to celebrate. Along with Pesach, where we go up to hotels outside of Jerusalem, which cost less. When you're going to a community event, you go with community. So, I sat on the bus next to a beautiful Jewish soul who hadn't showered. I could smell the Kedusha. The holiness. What is known as the Avira DAra, the atmosphere of Israel. And it was all coming from the guy sitting right next to me. I was surrounded by the aura of Kedusha. The bus route was amazing. We passed every fire in Israel. Towns on fire and people were fine with it. We passed through Bet Shean where they decided to burn the guy's mattresses. Might have been his home at the start. I don't know. But all of the holy Jews were celebrating. People with Payis were jumping. Why we didn't just take the faster route by way of the highway is still something I ask. Yet, it was a chance to bond more with my nation. A chance to see holy towns of Israel on fire. A beautiful sight for a Jew. Especially a Jew who is growing in his connection to his people. We finally got to Merion. Which meant there was another bus. There was a bus from the bus. Mamish. Amazing. Gishmack. More buses. More connecting with my people who haven't showered now for eight hours, since they started dancing to celebrate the Rashbi's demise. Then I caught another bus from the bus from the bus, which then leaves you off, so you get to walk to where you need to go. Gishmack We made it to the party. I was at the gates of Meiron. All of our Chasidic brethren celebrating. Dancing. Jumping. Payis flying. Selling stuff. Booths everywhere. It was like homecoming on campus, just that people had clothes on. They had falafel booths where they served falafel for money. I learned that Jewish carnivals have falafel. Even if were celebrating the Jews of Spain, it's falafel. I’ve learned much in my few years as a religious Jew. All Jewish events have falafel somewhere. They had a Tehillim booth to remind us that things are not good. And that made me feel even more religious, as I celebrated through feeling bad. Chabad rabbis were there. Chabad rabbis love booths. I remembered the Matzah factory booth and the shofar making booth. But it wasn't Pesach or Rosh Hashana. It was Lag BOmer. So, the rabbis had a fire making booth. The coolest booth I ever saw, until the Meiron fire department shut it down. Many of us Frum Jews were mad, as the fire department and Merion policemen didn't express the same Emunah, belief in Gd, as the Chabad rabbis. You could tell by the fires we passed on the way to Merion, the fire department in Bet Shean had much more Emunah and Bitachon bH' than their colleagues in Meiron. It might have been that they were making small fires in a wood booth. Waiting for us was food. Food booths. Menschim doing Chesed. Acts of kindness for those who can’t afford falafel. Feeding people who forgot to bring food on a full day’s trip. I was blessed to enjoy the Israeli Frum event food. Rugulach with a thin layer of a chocolate looking stuff painted on, hard dust cookies, and coffee made out of Botz. Made the traditional way, with mud. Religious Israelis drink coffee the way Moshe Rabbeinu drank it. Traditional coffee, before South America was founded. I love mud coffee. As I learned, the Mesorah, tradition is to dunk the hard dust cookie in the coffee. And so I did, and I lost the thing. The cookie broke off. It was gone. Religious Jews in Israel don’t travel with food. They show up and eat hard dust cookies. Oh. How I've come to love hard dust cookies with a that solidified neon jelly looking thing on the inside. It’s what religious Jews eat in the Beit Midrash, and it is what we eat at festivals. Then we saw religious concerts. That means Shwekey. Or somebody else who sings like Shwekey. Such an amazing experience. I continued and saw more fires. And nobody had to follow fire code, unless if they were a Chabad rabbi with a booth. It was Mardis Gras for Frum Jews. Which meant no floats and the bands were stationary. And nobody was drinking cocktails like the Hurricane. Everybody was drinking schnapps. Straight schnapps. I learned that Frum people drink schnapps, because schnapps sounds Jewish. After the bus and working my way through the concerts and the crowd, dancing with every Chasid, and walking through fire, and getting stopped by every person who asks for money in Israel - I believe I met them all, which is a Mitzvah - Fifteen hours later, I pushed, I grabbed, I did not make it to the Kever. Conclusion Yidishkeit, being a Frum Jew, is about the journey. Chagim in Israel are not about making it anywhere. It’s about being there. That is the holy experience of any Chag. It's the journey to Yerushalayim. It’s the journey to Meiron. It’s the journey to a hotel in Florida to save money and not be in Jerusalem for Pesach. As long as you have Chasidim dancing somewhere, my mom would say it’s Jewish. And she’s right. I was at the gates of Meiron. Finally, I was at the gate. The real gate this time. There are a lot of gates in Meiron. It turns out the last gate I was at was the gate to some guy's house. I finally made it to Meiron. Effort pays off. I was there and I did not make it the Rashbi's Kever. It was packed. It turns out that I couldn't make it past the last group of Chasidim dancing. The pictures in the den don't show how crowded the dancing can get. Then I took the bus back to Yerushalayim. It took six hours to get out of Meiron. At that point, I was just annoyed and asking myself why I didn’t take a car. It was then I started questioning how much Avira DAra I can handle. For the first time in my Frum journey I thought, “Maybe I should be a little less religious. Maybe a bonfire and some Tehillim is a good enough way to celebrate. Maybe I don’t need to be on a bus for fifteen hours to connect with H’.” And then I got home and promised myself I would go back to Meiron next year, and make it my Minhag. My tradition. Tags:
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We finish getting rid of Chametz before Pesach by Bitul, nullifying it and saying it is the dust of the earth. That part does not get your house cleaner. People still see the dirty kitchen. You can't just say, "It's not there. I Bituled it. Nullyfied. Grease on the wall is not there. Bituled. If you see anything, like cookie droppings on the floor, it's dust of the earth." The guests will still notice the dust ball. You can't start telling people, "That Challah over there. That's just dust." It's not a magic trick of "Wallah. Not there anymore. Grape juice stain?! Gone. Don’t even see it. All I see is dust." I've seen some of your homes. Rabbinic cleaning does not suffice for sanitation.
I’m never hiring a rabbi to clean my house again. That was a scam… Whoever came up with this Halacha was trying to get out of helping around the house. You must search and destroy Chametz. And people think Frum Jews don’t go to war. Put Chametz in front of them. See what happens to the leaven. They will attack. It's a command... It's not a joke. They're using military grade. Get close to oven Shpritz and see what happens. (Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember.(Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. So we remember that by getting grape juice all over our clothes. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts all over the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over their button-downs. (Shulchan Aruch OC 261:2) Some say we must add time from weekday to Shabbis, known as Tosefet Shabbat. This gives us more time to eat and get heavier. There is not always enough time to eat a full eight pound brisket over Shabbis proper. Or you can add less. As long as you add some time to Shabbat. The Shulchan Aruch could've started with this. I wouldn't have protested this idea of adding onto a twenty-five-hour day if they started with "you just can't start Shabbat after Shabbat started." The twenty-five-hours is enough adding onto not watching TV. It would be good to know who the rabbis were that said you can do less. They would've had a lot of supporters. Rama says you can start Shabbat from Plag HaMincha (one and a quarter Halachik hours before sunset). Some people will do anything to get out of work. This is what holy people do. They add onto Shabbat and they don’t work. Because they love H'. Tags:
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Announcements
Shloimi is the new Gabai. Because the rest of you can’t figure out when to start Chazaras HaShas. A bunch of fools spaced out, looking around. The rabbi takes three steps back, you start. Note to All Congregants: People finish their silent Amidah, you start right away. Otherwise, we will lose congregants to places that are faster. And if you are leading, do it fast. Nobody wants to hear you sing. Even your wives are schepping no Nachis. We are going to stop giving envelopes to people after Aliyahs. We realized that not one person has sent a check to the shul in appreciation. It turns out our membership can’t even afford stamps. You can now donate to the shul. Anything we already have in the shul is up for donation. Bookcases. The Ark. Youth groups. Samantha’s huge hat she decides to wear to block everybody’s view. The annual dinner is next week. We’ve changed the name from the Dinner of Excellence to the Dinner of Fun. We feel this will draw a younger crowd. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Make Everyone Wait, Spacing Out Before Chazaras HaShas. How to Use an Envelope and Make a Donation. How to Get Rid of Past Donations By Taking Off The Cover of The Torah Somebody Else Donated. How to Put a Plaque on Everything With Our Board. How to Make Everything Sound Like a Preschool Program With Our Annual Dinner's Committee. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Burns are not Tamei. If you burn yourself on the stove top... Why are you touching stove tops and not speaking Lashon Hara?... Bald men are still pure. Not somebody you’d want to set your daughter up with... Girls aren't attracted to the baldness, Baruch... Doesn't make you contaminated. Just single. (Vayikra 13:55) Clothes can be contaminated. If the affliction “has not changed its color after it has been washed, and it has not spread, it is contaminated, you shall burn it...” I’ve been telling Nachum to burn his shirt because it’s ugly. Purified clothes can still be ugly when purchased at Costco... Kirkland shirts are great. Did your shirt come with cashews?... First you try to clean it. (Vayikra 13:54) You clean the contaminated area. Some things you can’t fix. Like our shul. The slow uptake on the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. Donations for everything, causing a deficit... How donations cause a deficit is an anomaly. Yet, our shul somehow finds it normal... (Vayikra 13:56-58) Clothes become impure too... You need clean clothes. Otherwise, you might as well burn them. If they come out cleaner, “the affliction left them, it shall be immersed again and it shall become pure.” Pure clothes have to be clean. When you dress like our congregants, with stains all over, you start to ask how much Lashon Hara they’re speaking. And you ask why they keep wearing white shirts... I know you're supposed to wear white on Shabbat. But all I see are red and blue stains... (Vayikra 14:8) Purification here involves birds... Not out of a hat... Hyssop too... He “shall immerse his clothes, and he shave all his hair, and he shall immerse himself in water and become pure...” He needs a deep clean. After all the Lashon Hara, you smell bad... I don’t know what hyssop is. Maybe they use it to make stuff smell better... They speak Lashon Hara because you wear messed up clothes. Because you don’t shower. If you showered and didn’t dress like Baruch, who is bald, and maybe wore a hat, to cover up your baldness, nobody would speak Lashon Hara about you... The point is to be clean when you purify... I’ve seen you bringing grimy pots to the Mikvah... If it’s not clean, it’s not pure... To be clean of sin. To get rid of your messed up clothes. Some things you can't make better. Your sinful stained clothing. You burn it... Our shul is not pure. This is why we must cleanse the shul of contaminated people who can't Daven... People who have no idea when to start doing Chazaras HaShas, the repetition, should be quarantine... Then why are they leading?!... Well they shouldn’t lead Davening. You guys have no idea what to do in shul. You’re like a Chazir stuck in headlights. Shloimi has the head nod down. He knows people’s names. He’s not afraid to call up people for Aliyahs to the Torah... The last Gabai just stood there hoping somebody would give him an idea of who to call up... This is why Shloimi is not quarantined. He's a good leader. He knows how to nod at the right moments. He let's the Chazin know to start the repetition of the Amidah... And your singing is off. This is the only shul where the wives are saying, "My husband has such a bad voice. I wish he wouldn't lead..." Other shuls have wives that feel like their husband is serenading them when they're taking the Amud... That means being a Chazin. Leading the Tzibur. The Baal Tefilah. Cantor. Baruch! And your wife doesn't want to hear you sing. No wife here wants her husband to serenade her. People would ask why she married that... Too much donation asking. You even ask people for donations in quarantine... They can't give donations in quarantine. With unclean money... Why the Aliyah envelopes? People don't use envelopes anymore. They make donations online... Then we should give them the shul's web address... Yes. On Shabbis. When else, Bernie?... It's a web address. It's not a physical address. You can tell people where that is. We don't have to worry about security at the web address. We don't need to put in 500k for a decent firewall... Be pure. Give to the shul. Give clean money... Money should be run through the laundry after you’ve touched it with all your sneezing in the back to the shul there... Lashon Hara makes people sneeze. Contamination... It’s like an affliction of sneezing. And then I have to clean my clothes... Handkerchiefs are not pure. They’re Tamei. Not Tahor... Well. Handkerchiefs are disgusting... Well, the bookcase is in shul. So, it costs more. It’s the space you’re paying for... Of course. You donate stuff that is already here. It was donated before. Now you redonate. It’s called a redonation... It's where you take away the donation that was there before. And the shul gets more money... I need a raise... You can donate anything. The shul will take money for anything... How are we going to put a plaque on Samantha's hat?... Money makes things uncontaminated. A donation has the power to give somebody who does not keep the laws of Shabbat an Aliyah... It's how the law works Bernie... I agree. Dinner of Fun makes no sense. It’s a fundraising dinner. Who’s giving money? Eight-year-olds?... A fun house is impure. Burn it. We need a pure fundraising event with old people... Because they give money... Younger crowd? Young people don't give money... Young couples give nothing... The Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. It's all here. So much Lashon Hara to be spoken about. The dumb decisions of the president of this shul. The handkerchiefs. The dumb donation ideas. The Dinner of Fun to raise 400K... It doesn't mean you have to speak Lashon Hara about the board and the stupidity. You therefore must atone by cleaning within you the stuff you spoke Lashon Hara about... You shave, because you spoke about somebody's bad hair. Either that, or you look disgusting... Be pure. Donate in a way of immersion. Immerse into the donations to the shul. Most of all. Make it all make sense. Give a lot of money... The message of our Parsha is that no matter how Tamei you are. No matter how messed up of a congregation you belong to. No matter how many people speak Lashon Hara about your dumb ideas of Funtime Dinner Night for adults. You have to clean your clothes... Put up a load every once in a while. Otherwise, you're Tamei. And a happy Yom HaAtzmaut... It's the 5th of Iyar today. And you have a Tamei mind. Not thinking about Israel. Rivka's Rundown I so respect our rabbi and his ability to turn any speech into an appeal. Beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut sermon. I thought the rabbi was going to appeal on behalf of Israel at the end there. But he was focused on his messed-up congregants who he said are too contaminated to be allowed into Israel. I think the rabbi left Israel out of his speech, because the congregation is so messed up. He also doesn't want to lose any money to Israel. To quote the rabbi, "Israel at least has Jews who care, and give their rabbi a raise." They're so worried about security, the president made the staff bring in a cyber-security team to make sure nobody can find our address. Now, nobody can find the shul, because it's not listed anymore. And nobody can find out when Minyin is, because they can't find the web address. Security has kept people from showing up to programs. They still don't tell people where or what is going on, for security reasons. And what are they worried about the internet for? Nobody will want to steal the shul's debt, brought on by the Funhouse Fundraiser. The Parsha is just making fun of bald people. Bald people and people who dress with stains. Either that or Tzara'at. Baruch is bald and trying to meet a woman. It's a turnoff. All the girls see is a bald four-year-old in their future. Stanley's wife, Nechama, blamed him for their baby coming out of the womb bald. In the birthing unit, she started yelling, "Our baby has no hair because of you. A bald little six pounder." I didn't like the idea of calling the kid a six pounder. When I usually order a six pounder of brisket. Come to think of it, I can't think of a non-bald man in our congregation. I agree. Kirkland clothing is not the best thing to tell people about. You shouldn't advertise you purchased your clothes at the grocery. The sermon started with a whole discussion about how very white people should not be made fun of. Nor should bald people. The rabbi had to explain the difference between Tumah, impurity, and ugly people. The rabbi's main point was the board is contaminated. It took the rabbi a while to explain how Lashon Hara makes you smell bad. I respect him. He didn't give up on it. He had a concept. Nobody understood it. And he kept with it. Some of our congregants sneeze a lot. Disgusting. Since COVID, sneezing has finally been accepted as disgusting and reason to quarantine people. Truth is the last Gabai was just scared. He got attacked for giving an Aliyah once. He thought he was calling up somebody to the Torah. The next thing he knows, he's getting attacked and Moishie is screaming at him, “You called the wrong Balabas again. I’m going to beadle your face.” Balabas is a Baal Habayit. The head of a household who likes to complain about the rabbi and attack the Gabai. The Aliyah envelopes are such a scam. Once I saw that, I knew they were trying to get money any way possible. Donating to the shul is something I'm now having a hard time with. A bookcase is $80. Shul donation, the bookcase is 10k. The shul is just scamming as much money as possible. And then it appears they can just drop it for a new one. If there were time commitments, like donation warranties, I would think about doing it. But they'll just get rid of my bookcase and replaque it. If I'm getting a bookcase, I want a lifetime warranty on it. Ikea gives a warranty for eighty-dollars. It's like a bad dentist, replaquing stuff. They're saying they messed up the first time with the Goldbloom family, and nobody should remember Howard Goldbloom and the two-million-dollars the Goldbloom family donated to the Torah covers. A bookcase is all I can afford. That's a pathetic thing to donate. Even the tablecloth is more than the bookcase. You donate a bookcase, that's the kind of thing you don't put your name on. You put your name on a building. Maybe an ark. It's Gd's ark, but you put your name on it when you have the money. As the rabbi taught in his sermon, money is pure. If you give enough money, it's your ark. The board will replaque and redonate it. If you give enough money, the Torah is yours too. Given by Moshe. But in our shul it's given by Yankel Simchovitz. The shul is even having people donate programs. Donate youth groups. Donate a baseball game. Donate something that has nothing to do with Judaism. They found a way to put on plaque on youth groups. Brilliance. And we have no youth. Some say we have youth. We have children. Youth are kids that care about their Judaism. Samantha's hat is huge. Very true. You can fit a plaque on it. It might even be bigger than the bookcase. I should donate the hat. And the Dinner of Fun is $280. I am going to go to Playhouse Funhouse for $15. The rabbi banned handkerchiefs. He said they are Tamei, due to the disgusting amounts of sneezing in the shul. Tags:
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Let us finish off the trilogy of antisemitism, with more Jewish hate. Today we shall speak of the anti-Semites on campus. The dangerous ones. The college students. When they study and get degrees they become more dangerous.
College Student Anti-Semites They're studying at university. They don't have a choice. They want to pass. Professors are giving lectures on how to attack Jews on the quad correctly, with peace signs. Giving courses on how annoying Yarmulkes are. With sections on the moral clarity of why rape and hostage taking are fine if it's against Jews. Jews Should Die: A Historical Perspective 101. If college students want to graduate with honors, they have to express their hatred of Jews. They must learn to conjugate "Zionist" properly. And that means with the right tone of hate that expresses the fault of the "Zionist" for the deaths in Liberia. The killings in Iraq? Jewish. Armenian genocide? The Jews. Yemen? It was the Jews. If the Jews weren't kicked out or murdered, Muslims would not be killed. Ivy League schools have created a curriculum for those who haven't been to Israel, called Hating a Place You've Never Been To: A Philosophical Perspective to Hating Jews. I would do so good at Harvard nowadays. I would ace every test. Jews are Educated Anti-Semites Knowing stuff really gets people hating you. Did you ever run into a know it all?! It's this whole thinking education is important that has everybody hating us. If we just stopped learning, and stopped doing all this studying where we end up creating stuff and getting Nobel Prizes, people would love us. If we were just dumber. If we just gave less to society. Then, the educated Jewish professors are the ones educating the anti-Semites to hate educated Jews. A Shayla: If it wasn't for Jewish education, what would happen to antisemitism on college campuses? The Jew Hater that Sleeps in a Tent They make their point by sleeping outside and making signs. This shows their hatred of Jews by refusing to get a job. These anti-Semites beat COVID by sleeping in tents. They also took down Donald Trump with the tents. And they are now taking down Israel with tents. How? By making their point and sleeping outside. Sleeping under the stars is something an American will not do, unless if they're very mad about something. This is why I stay away from homeless people. I don't know if they hate Jews or not. The COVID Protesters Somehow, they're protesting Jews and still wearing masks. I don't know how COVID became part of the plight of the anti-Semite. Due to their war on COVID, which they are still fighting, they protest Jews by wearing masks. Watch out for these anti-Semites, they are very mad and very violent. They might even be sitting next to you in Economics And How Jews Took All Your Money 201. The Anti-Ben Shapiro They just like arguing with Ben Shapiro. The Student Union Still not serving Kosher food. A bunch of anti-Semites. Fifty-Year-Old College Students Why these universities are all the sudden taking in students after retirement. Freshman at fifty, who never finished high school. And then they don't even give them dorms. Forcing them to sleep on the grass. In tents. The Drive-by Anti-Semites They drive-by and beep. These are the worst. You know they truly hate Jews. They're definitely not beeping me because I’m hot. The first time I got beeped on Shabbat I thought somebody in the car was checking me out. Then I noticed the three-hundred pound bald guy and realized I had just finished taking down four pounds of Kugel the night before. To my college students. We have to be tough. As a Jew, don’t let these anti-Semites scare you. Even if they're a fifty-five-year-old college student living on the quad, who has never attended a class. Keep strong. Fight back. Wear that Kippah, or Yarmulke if you’re not religious, and get them mad. My dad A"H was tough. I will never forget when the neo-Nazis were on the side of the road yelling stuff at us on the way to shul. Stuff like "Jew." Never call a Jew a Jew. Especially when that Jew is my father. It's just offensive to call a Jew a Jew. To this day, it bothers me as a Jew when people don't call me Christian. My father started chasing them, yelling, "One day you're going to work for my son." I will never forget that. The toughness. Willingness to stick up for his Jewish people who others called Jews. I also remember asking my father, "Isn't that why they hate us?" And you know what gives us the right to be tough. Israel. The Zionists. Calling Jews who support and love Israel Zionists is offensive. It just hurts. Tags:
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Culture is thine people. Since the Babylonians, the Greeks and thine Romans got involved we have been dispersed around the world. We have found ourselves in Israel, and in different countries, where our people have learned to make decent brisket. It is now that our people, oh the dispersed, have come home, and thus we speaketh of the immigrant. Oh. How thine people reimmigrantasize.
They speak Hebrew in the Holy Land. Need I say more? They also speak Russian, French, English, Yiddish, Mandarin. It really depends on where you’re from. They also speak Hebrew. Oh. How I love thee and thine languages that are not Hebrew. Thy citizeneth who identify as Israelis who don't speak Hebrew. Oh. Thine American who doesen'tith abandoneth their English. Keepeth strong in thine will notith speaking Hebrew. There’s an Israeli law that every third song on the radio has to be Israeli, in order to interrupt the good songs with songs that speak to the Neshama. Thine soul. Oh. Thine Israeli radio. Thy doesn'th have English songs playing all day, as thusith would maketh Israel feel too much like Russia. Oh. How I love thine music that is not English. You giveth songs that toucheth the soul, that I don'teth understand. Thanks to the strong religious influence, we have Chasidic songs on the radio. Each Chasidic song has the lyrics of “yay nay nay.” so that everybody can sing along. Oh. Thine religious songs playeth during the week. How I misseth Shabbat on Tuesdays, until I hear thine radio with Shwekey topping thine charts. Oh. How I love thee and thine religious songs and the chance thou allowest me to singeth along, in confidence I understand wateth happeneth. It is these words that I know, remindeth me I do understandeth Hebrew. Yay Nay Nay Nay. We have Israeli food such as falafel, shwarma and pizza. Which Israel created. Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Borscht and thine Schav. Gold's, thine our a brand. A brand and a family. Oh. How thine kibe. Thine croussants thou takes credit for. Some pizza ist created in Italy, as we give our Italinia reimmigrantized credit for pizza too. Though, thou knowest pizza is Israeli. Oh. Chinese food. Thou hast notith moved to Israel, but ure people have brought thine foodeth from thine Diaspora. Chinese Foodeth that iseth Israeli. Sports is everywhere. We even have athletes that came from America so we can compete in thine EuroLeague. Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Israeli athletes that did not make the NBA. To Israeli immigrants everywhere. Thank you for opening up falafel shops. Oh. Thine Diaspora, where thine Israelis who never cooked openeth restaurants of Israeli cuisine. Where a salad of cut vegetables is called Israeli. Oh. How thy introduced the world to the untucked shirt. Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from Israelis, to liveth with Israelis. Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from immigrants. ***The adding of the "eth" to the end of the word makes it biblical. And thuseth more meaningfuleth. Poetic. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Yesterday we discussed the full array of anti-Semites. There are more. There are more anti-Semites than all of the anti-Semites.
I always knew people hated us. I didn't know they hate us this much. Over the past year and a half I've taken notice of how so many people hate Jews. The thing is not all anti-Semites are the same. There are many different kinds of anti-Semites. I've analyzed their hatred. They all hate Jews. But they hate us in different ways. Each anti-Semite is unique, and that should be celebrated. They all hate us. And that means Jews never lived in Israel. And Jews have always owned everything. Everything, except Israel. And Jews run the newspapers that say Jews never lived in Israel. Today, let's focus on some of the Israel hating anti-Semites. Anti-Israel Anti-Semites These Jew haters are mad Israel has Jews. These anti-Semites especially hate the Israeli Druze. To quote my coworker, "Druze, Jews. What's the difference." That guy also blamed us for the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic. There is truth to every joke. We Support You Anti-Semites These anti-Semites love Jews, they just want all the ones they don't know to die. These anti-Semites say they love Israel. They just don't want Jews living there, and they want them to be thrown into the sea. Hence, they are proJews. Until all this hatred of my people, I always thought getting thrown into water is a bunch of fun. That's how camp will mess you up. For the sake of our future, our children, and all the antisemitic Jewish summer camp counselors, I propose counselors stop throwing Frum campers into the water. It looks wrong. The Jews Run the World Anti-Semites They claim we run everything, including the airlines that won't fly to Israel. We've shut these anti-Semites up with arguments like, "If you hate the Jews and Israel, don't use your computer. Jews created all that stuff. We put together the computer chips. Don't read the newspaper. We run those. And don't travel. We own the airlines too. And don't even think about using your bank... Exactly. Jews!!! And we also created SodaStream. And we own technology." So, we've dealt with that argument. Terrorists These ones are actually trying to kill us. Actively. Every day. I don't want to definitively call the terrorists anti-Semites. They may like us. They're just trying to kill us because they need to support their families somehow. Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters These ones are real angry Jews are defending themselves. Hence, the human rights violation of Jews living. October 7th truly got these anti-Semites going, bothered that Jews are still around. These anti-Semites are rightfully fighting for the right to rape Jewish women. The Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters do not have it easy, with Jews living in this world. My liberal Jewish friend shared that we should be considerate of their feelings too. Jews Didn't Create Falafel Anti-Semites They only say this because they hate us. Some even have the Chutzpah to say they don't like Marzipan rugulach. Who would say that, but an anti-Semite. A Jew hater. The We Want to Kill You Anti-Semite I would try to avoid these ones. They want to kill you. These Jew haters will look at you. They may even curse you. As soon as they say they want to kill you, maybe start walking the other way. Check the pockets. Make it look like you forgot something. That’s just a suggestion. Maybe you can power walk to the other grocery store. There are also the nonviolent anti-Semites who attack Jews. Be careful out on the streets. The nonviolent ones are the most dangerous. There are so many more anti-Semites out there. For instance, the guy at Wender's Hardware, down the block, was charging $45 for an adapter. With prices like that, and no sale, definitely anti-Semites. And why so mach for the adapter? Mr. Wender hates Israel. I know it. And then there is the anti-Semite actor who hates Jews because they are an actor, and that means they have to hate Israel. And then there is the Israeli in Hollywood who finally decided that they don't want to act anymore, saying they support their family. And then there is the Israeli's family that is mad at their idiot child who is not making as much money anymore. I want to thank all of our anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. Tags:
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The Different Anti-Semites4/23/2025
There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews. The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated. I think that makes sense. The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded. Works With Jews Anti-Semite Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews. They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter. All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat. Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders. Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people. Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger. This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts. You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews." The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out. The I Have a Jewish Friend These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too." The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate. Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers. The I Have a Jewish Neighbor That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges. Jews Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul. Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves. The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living. Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business. The Jewish Landlord They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live. Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews. Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew. Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money. Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!" The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish." The Will Not Look Anti-Semite They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze. To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites. No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man." The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts. The I Live in America Anit-Semite These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens. Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore. Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!" Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything." The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals. We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to. The Whisper Past Anti-Semite They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews." I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals. This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you. Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans. Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat. Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate. We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris. Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi. Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there. Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?! (Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???! Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated... Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back... It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly. People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day... Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that. Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative... Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder... Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your... How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons. We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo. You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now. You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son... Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz... Is everybody back. Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned... It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah. How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce... It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too... Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time... If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting... (Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul. If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership. That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark! It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job... There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan. Rivka's Rundown Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together. They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?” After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon. The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them." I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder. I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp. Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah. Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran. The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing. The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels. Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved. The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima. They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul. This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety." Tags:
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That’s what it looks like when all you did was buy Matzah, and you forgot everything else for the Seder. After an hour and a half of reading the Haggadah, eating anything will make you happy.
Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you. So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready. The Seder Plate Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it. Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?" Matzah for the Seder Plate Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck. You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece. Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz. Put Out the Wine Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape. "Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered. Pull Out the Dishes Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved. Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach. First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year. If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash. Make the Charoset Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more. We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day. I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset. Preparing the Ten Plagues The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs. Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball. I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice. Yell at the Kids More Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids. When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year. And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition. Tags:
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Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings. 
The plastic Jewish diet spoon. I got it from the caterer who didn’t have enough cake. The spoon did make the souffle look bigger... Since using it for breakfast, I've taken off a lot of weight. I have noticed it now takes longer to eat cereal. And most of the time, the Golden Grahams fall off the spoon, helping with more weight loss. A quite utilitarian utensil.
That other spoon is the old spoon I used to use. It held the cereal and I ate. I'm not going to use that again. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Decarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep hole, one should put a fence around the congregation, at least ten handbreadths high, so they stay away from you.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
6/12/2025
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