Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
​
Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.

They put a goat on his van. They wanted him to go to the Temple with a Kar-Ban. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Car. Kar-Ban. Not a car bomb. Silly. A Kar-Ban. A Karban is a sacrifice. H’ didn’t want car bombs to be brought on Pesach. Dual language puns are necessary for the fabric of our people. It wasn't a Paskal goat or Kar-bon. Nor was it carbon goatoxide that was being brought as a sacrifice. And that is another Karban pun. Todah Rabbah. Todah Rabbah is not a pun, just saying "thank you." Want to be clear.

If somebody at the Seder tells you the salt water is low in sodium, take it with a grain of salt. (Mordechai)
You get it? Salt has sodium. So, take more salt. Whatever you need to do to make the Seder more meaningful, by making things harder to eat, do it. We bring our puns to add to your Passover experience. If you’re the one who made the salt water, you can share the joy of Mordechai’s pun, while handing someone a grain of salt. When delivering puns, always ask, “What would Mordechai do?” He would give a grain of salt to the guy who was complaining.
Oh. "Take it with a grain of salt" means "don't take it to heart." Now you get the pun. Should’ve started there.
 
The Torah gives a list of birds a Jew can’t eat. Why? Because they’re foul. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Torah is talking about fowl. As in birds. We changed it to foul. As in, smells bad or disgusting. Who would want to eat foul birds. Not healthy. And we care about health at the Kibbitzer. You also don’t want to eat nonKosher fowl, that’s foul.
 
They loved traveling to southern Israel Aylot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Eilat. A lot. Eilat is the southernmost city in Israel. They liked going there a lot. “Eilat” and “a lot” sound the same. "Aylot" doesn't sound like either of them.
Aylot would be more of a pun about a lot of Lots. Maybe Lot went down to EIlat a lot for vacation when he was living in Sodom. We cannot verify that.

The rabbi told the Kahal (congregation) to give the donor Kavod. The donor yelled. “Don't. I haven't been vaccinated." (David Rubin)
You get it? COVID. Kavod means honor or respect. Kavod sounds like COVID, if you mumble it. You have to mumble a little to make this pun work.

What do people drink on the 33rd day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lager. Lag BOmer. Thirty-third day of Omer. Lag is a Hebrew acronym for thirty-three, in English. Nobody calls the holiday a Lager. We celebrate. Some drink. A lager is a style of beer. People might drink it on Lag BOmer. Not 100% sure. Lager has "Lag" in it. That works.
 
The kids were very loud, so their parents had them play Mom’s the Word. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mum’s the Word. But mom wants silence. So, it’s Mom’s the Word. A game of silence, where Mom’s the only one who can talk. Moms love the game, and it makes Moms happy.

***Note: You've learned about the importance of clarity in puns. And always mumble if you're not sure the pun will work. Be sure to mumble the Lag BOmer Lager pun.
You learned about salt water and what to do with people who complain about it. Learned about Lot's possible vacation in Eilat. It's about education here at the Kibbitzer. And never give COVID to donors.

Mother's Day is coming. ​I asked local community member, Chaya Hoffbaum, what she wants. Let's hear what she would like for Mother's Day.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
Sleep. I haven't had that in twenty-two years.

So you've been raising a family on no sleep?
None at all. Had kids. Have not slept since. Twenty-two years.

How do you not sleep?
No. Idea. They started crying. That was eight years.

Just cries?
Yep. Eight years. Then they stopped crying. Since, the only words I've heard are "MOM!"

Is raising kids on no sleep responsible?
Would it be better if I ran away and abandoned the kids. Went and lived on a cruise ship. Started another family. Would it be better if I was one of the other parents in this congregation?!

Why haven't you slept?
I told you. I have kids.

What about your husband?
He gets great sleep.

How does your husband sleep?
Great. Amazing. Sprawls out on the bed. We had a guy break in. Slept right through it. Not a problem. Kids screaming. Not a problem. I have never heard the kids screaming, "DAD!"

Did you sleep before you had kids?
I had a husband.

Twenty-two-years? Not one minute of sleep?
None at all.

Does your husband help at all?
Sometimes he'll help himself to some brisket. He really likes brisket and corned beef. Shawarma. Loves pizza. He'll have extra helpings of that. He helps himself.

Adoption?
That's an option. If it will let me get sleep. Do they take husbands?
I don't know.

What do you want for your kids?
Wealth.

Why?
So they can support me.

Don't you want something else for them?
No. Ever heard about return on investment. I paid for Jewish schooling. I need something to show for that.
Before sending them to Jewish day school, I wanted them to be happy. Now I want my money back.

What about Torah?
You don't send your kids to Yeshiva Day School for that.

Does marrying rich count?
Yes. My kids should do so well in school.

What are your kids going to college for?
A Kallah. A spouse.

What about learning Torah. Maybe studying Bible, science, math?
They can do that on their own time.

Grandkids?
As long as I don't have to pay for their Jewish day school, I'll accept them.

Is there any specific field you would like your children to work in?
No. Just money.

Is that a field?
It should be.

What about a doctor?
Don't care. If it pays. OK.

Mafia? Jewish mob?
All good. I don't judge.

What about a doctor in the mafia?
​Now that's Nachis.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
My kids, out of the house.
Do they not have friends?! That would be a beautiful Mother’s Day. Not having to be a mother.

If you're not a mother, how do you celebrate Mother's Day?
Exactly.

Do you want any gifts?
No. Just the kids out of the house.
My money back. That would be good. Pull the youngest out of third grade, make them get a job.

Do your kids love you?
Yes. That’s the problem. Love means I can’t sleep.

So. Love is bad.
Love is the bane of my life. This is why I go to shul. To be around people who don't love me.

What do you want for yourself?
I can't remember.

Why don't you get out of the house for a bit?
Ever heard of carpools?!

Are you a happy mom?
Very happy. Happy and proud of my kids. They're the best.

What do your kids do now?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Haven't lifted a hand...
Clean. Clean!!!! Is it that hard to clean?!!! Why does nobody clean in this house?!!! 
I just don't want to see them.​ One day. One day. That's all I'm asking for. ONE DAY!!!
(we heard "MOM!" at that moment and Chaya ran)
Is your dad still sleeping?!!!

Postscript
That ended the interview. Chaya had a nervous breakdown. Not sleeping for twenty-two-years and then being asked questions can do that. It might have been hearing "MOM" yelled right then, that was the breaking point.
Chaya started the interview quite happy.
I hope this interview was not the reason she left her family.

Lessons from Interview
Never ask a mother questions about their family and how it is being a mother. If they think about it, it will lead to divorce.​
If you have kids, you have to not care about them. Otherwise, you won't get sleep. Responsible parenting will ruin your life. Most parents in our shul let their kids run around. They don't notice their kids ripping the couches, throwing Danish, damaging each other's faces. Those are the happy parents. Very well rested.
Call your mother for Mother's Day. And get a job and get out of the house. Because she loves you.

Moishie showed up with his shirt not tucked. He was a successful doctor. We believe that he gave up on his living, as his shirt was not tucked in and we did not see a belt. Please ask him how he's doing.
 
Somebody has to clean the fridge. We have fifteen Sam’s Club Colas in there. All open. Please finish colas before opening new ones.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We ask parents to go to the park and to make sure their kids don’t burn themselves this Lag BOmer. It turns out not one of our Jewish kids is in the Boy Scouts, and their parents think them making a fire is a good idea. Our children are dangerous. And their parents are idiots.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mr. Feigenblum and How You Will Never Get a Job in Sweatpants- How Comfort Leads Lack of Success and Congregants Who Don't Pay Dues. The Chemistry of Fizz and Finishing a Bottle Before Opening a New One. How To Make an Uncontained Fire with The Youth of Our Shul. How to Be an Irresponsible Parent with The Parents of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Turns out Moishie is fine.
Moishie’s shirt was out. It was a Sunday. Now everybody is worried. He wasn’t even wearing sweatpants. They've just never seen him with his shirt not tucked.
Mr. Feigenblum has given up. That I know. Always in sweatpants. He's not a gym teacher. Just gave up. Went comfortable. And now he smiles. Something is wrong.
I don't think Moishie works Sundays. Though, the shirt out is not a good sign. Something must've happened. He must've relaxed for a moment.

They put back the sodas every time. Like old bottle fizz is better than new bottle fizz. They don't clean up or recycle. They put away. 
Then they bring out the old colas and the new ones. Eighteen colas with a quart in each of them. All flat, except for one. It's like the shell game, where you have to guess which cup the bottle cap is under. You have to pray you catch the one with fizz.
Eighteen colas in the fridge. All open. Likes it a Segulah omen for life. And where is the Sam's Club soda from. I don’t even think Sam’s Club makes cola anymore. We have it.
Maybe the first cup has the most fizz, so our congregants won't drink more than the first pour out of the bottle. They have standards. Give the cola to Mr. Feigenblum. He wears sweatpants. He has no standards.

We need Kiddish rules for the sisterhood. Like put away stuff not like idiots. Like cover the tuna bowl before putting it back in the fridge. And throw out anything that tastes like tar when flat.
Anything that's been out of the kitchen, you can't donate it to the food shelter. But we can drink cola from eight weeks ago, because Sharon doesn't know how to throw out fizzless soda. And we can eat tuna that's fridge hard on top. 
And I say the sisterhood, because men don't help. Men with tucked in shirts do not help. They tuck in their shirts.

I just stay away from the kids on Lag BOmer. I don't know when eight-year-olds making a fire became a good idea. We don't even let our fifteen-year-old near the stove. 
And they don't even know how to make fires. They just light stuff. They see it, they light it. They pass fires. And the parents think it's cute. When parents see a situation where their child might get hurt real bad, they think it's cute. That's why so many parents send their kids to karate. 

Moishie came back to shul on Shabbis with a three-piece suit. Tight. Couldn't breathe. Members started going back to his practice for treatment. He now knows that you tuck in a shirt if you want business. I don't think we will ever see Moishie in comfortable clothing, unless if it's a three-piece sweatsuit.
Though he used to swim for exercise, he swore off swimming, as it's tough to swim with the button-down shirt tucked in.

The rabbi gave a follow-up class to Mr. Feigenblum and His Lack of Success. Belts and How They Hold Up Your Life.

Here is a high school story about a fight with Jews on Lag BOmer. A little feel-good story about Jews fighting to get your mind off Jews getting attacked.
​
Fights Start at Friendly's
The story begins Saturday night, spring of 1993, Rochester, New York. Town of Brighton. The year of me in high school. That's what happened that year. And gel and mousse. Dep was still big. I was in Yeshiva at the time. There were no girls, so we fought a lot.
We were at Friendly's. The Kosher restaurant that wasn't Kosher. The Jewish kids were out enjoying Friendly's ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, sprinkles, rainbow and chocolate, a cocktail cherry on top. That's how bad the ice cream was. You ordered it and made sure they added everything. Tried to make it taste like Carvel. And you would get a banana in there for health reasons.

The Jewish kids consisted of Yeshiva guys from Brooklyn and some of our buddies that went to Brighton High School. The public school for the rich kids. Those were our wealthier friends that I grew up with. Their parents had a lot of money, so they sent their kids to public school. The parents who had no money paid for private school. It’s a Mitzvah somewhere in the Talmud to give all your money to the Yeshiva.
And then there were other high school kids. When other high school kids show up somewhere, there is a problem. They other kids also went to Brighton.
These other kids were eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Not Kosher. Goyim. I could already feel the tension. Why they weren't at Perkins, to this day, I can't tell you. They just wanted to cause problems. That's the only justification for not going to Perkins. 

Our friend in Brighton, Mike, gets called to the parking lot for a fight. Something must’ve happened in Brighton that week. Maybe they had classes.
We all head to the parking lot, thinking, "That's a good idea. I finished my ice cream."  I'm saying, "Maybe we shouldn’t watch Mike fight in the family establishment." They're all saying, "It's outside. And we ate the fudge already."
WCW Saturday Night at Friendly's. A parking lot match. Sounded cool. We were all into wrestling. If we had phones, we would've been filming it. We would've filmed it just in case somebody got hurt real bad, and we could have something to post.

Mike and this other kid start fighting. I'm like, "I feel like I'm living The Outsiders. I will not get involved." And like The Outsiders, we greased up our hair. We used gel. And then covered it up with our Yarmulkes. It was the early '90s. You wanted your hair to be firm under the Kippah.
Mike takes the Jew hater in a figure-four leglock. Mike is winning the fight. I was proud of Mike. All those years watching the World Championship Wrestling paid off. And Jews think Krav Maga is an excellent form of self-defense. I can tell you, they don't teach you the Tombstone Piledriver at Krav Maga.

We called the kid a Jew hater, because that's what people who take up booths on Saturday night at Friendly's are. Jew haters.
Jew hater's friends get into their cars, start driving their cars mid-fight. And the match iss stopped. Hulk Hogan never fought against a car.
 
Mike won that match. But it wasn't over. Mike's hair got messed up. Things were serious. And somebody called the police. If there is a reason to hate the cops, it's because they stop fights.

Fights Don't End at Friendly's
​Fight isn’t over. Apparently, the guy called Mike a Jew that week in school. And you don’t call a Jew a Jew.
Mike and the Jew hater both had cars, so neither of them was scared to continue the fight. Everybody at Brighton had to take sides. I believe the head of school was with the Jew haters.
So a fight is planned. 

Mike and our Brighton friends want the Yeshiva guys in the fight. The Yeshiva guys are from Brooklyn and everybody saw Goodfellas. They all know, it's not how you fight, it's how you talk. And they were scary. “What’d he say?!” You hear that from 5’2” Yankel, you're running. Yankel breeds fear. 
The Yeshiva guys joined because they felt it was important to be in a fight. They heard there was a fight. Somehow, that’s a Mitzvah. It's a Mitzvah to pay for Yeshiva and to fight. That and our math teacher said you have to stick up for your religion. And our math teacher was twenty-four. So, we listened to him.

The Battle
It's Lag BOmer. The Yeshiva celebrates with a baseball game. We're playing softball with the rabbis. Next thing I know, Brighton is at our Yeshiva game. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bystander who somehow knows a lot of idiots.
The public school planned to show up to our game at the park, to fight. Brilliance. Show up to the Yeshiva softball game for a brawl with the rebbes.

Now there are girls at our Yeshiva Lag BOmer party, not dressed properly. Not one of them had a black hat. Not even a white shirt and slacks. How they were going to play baseball, I have no idea.
Between us, after the fight, I petitioned to have girls in our Yeshiva.

My other good friend from Brighton, Nachum, roles up with a trunk full of bats. Fifty bats. Over the week and a half, he joined the Jewish Mob. He saw Goodfellas too.
Maybe he was planning a circus act. Maybe he was planning on handing a few bats to the other side. Just in case they forgot to bring their bats. Maybe he was worried the Yeshiva guys didn't have enough bats for the softball game. Was it for the Lag BOmer bonfire. I’ve seen kids in Israel burning closets and couches. You can buy bats and burn those. Anything to not expend energy to cut wood. All I know is that he had fifty bats in his trunk.
The rest of us had been watching wrestling. We were ready. We didn't need bats. We were going to body slam our opponents.

On the other side, I see Allison. "What is Allison doing rooting for the other side? We go to the JCC together." Turns out it was Jews on the other side. The anti-Semites were Jews. And they don't even go to shul. Why would you hate Jews if you don’t have to see them at shul.

The rabbis are there. For some reason, the rabbis don't think the fight is a good idea. The rabbis are older than twenty-four. Which is why we didn't listen them.
Our Minahel, head of the Beit Midrash, tells us we shouldn't fight. "The only thing that comes out of fighting is broken arms." He didn’t know about the figure-four leglock. 
Our Musar rabbi, who teaches morality, pulls the Jew hater kid aside, thinking, “Nachum has fifty bats in his trunk. Now is a good time to teach.” He asks the Jew hater, “Why do you hates Jews.” Fitting question for a Jew hater.Jew hater says, “I don’t hate Jews. I hate Mike.” And we’re all like, “Everybody hates Mike.”

Postscript
Why Mike is representing Judaism still baffles me to this day. But I can tell you. He is a Jew.
And that is what happened. Absolutely nothing. Until we got home and got in trouble. And just like in The Outsiders, we all got grounded.

Nachum is now a landlord who works in low income housing units. He carries a gun, and fifty bats in his trunk.
Mike still uses Dep. I think Dep was the real reason for the fight.
To this day, Mike is the reason for antisemitism.

Lessons Learned
Jews hate Mike.
Rabbis will ruin a good fight. 
​Don't eat at Friendly's unless if you're ready to fight.​
It was on through the flames of that Lag BOmer bonfire, I learned that nothing exciting will ever happen in my neighborhood.

​​ Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about complaining about community towels and the fact he never throws out a can, all while complaining that 90% off is not enough, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself not being able to figure out how to get out of a pizza shop in Meah Shearim.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​First off, to the antisemites out there, I would like to commend you for your commitment to this narrative. Few groups of people would hold onto something so meaningless for so long and not seem to lose an ounce of enthusiasm for it. You truly are the excited puppies of humanity. Unfortunately, over the last one thousand years or so, the rest of us have moved on. The truth is, you just aren’t as good at this whole antisemitism thing as you think you are. It's just not fun to engage with you anymore. We know the talking points and rhetoric, and to be frank, it’s a bit dated and dull. Maybe I can help.
While you are clearly very good at refocusing your own demons, you are pretty terrible in your methods of attack. As America’s Rebbitzman, I feel obligated to help you be a better antisemite. This isn’t for your benefit, mind you, it's for the rest of us. If we are forced to constantly engage with you, we want it to be a challenge. We are the people of the book, not the people of the coloring book, so we really need you to step up a bit if you want to rile our feathers.
 
How we look
I am not well-versed in the aesthetic frailties of Europe in the 1300s, so maybe back then, when this antisemitic nose size “zinger” first came out, it was a deep cut for a person to hear. The problem is that today, this really doesn’t quite pack the offensive punch you think it does. It’s a nose. Of all the parts of the body people are sensitive about, the nose is kind of at the bottom of the list.
Hitler was embarrassed about his “huge-schnoz.” He was always lifting his arm as high as possible to cover it. But we are fine with our noses.
What’s incredible is that your nasal focus is actually an upgrade of the original “Jews have horns” trope. We can all agree that assigning something that can be so easily waved away with the lifting of a hat was a huge misstep by your predecessors.
I would suggest maybe hitting something a little more poignant, like our almost universal lactose intolerance. Think of how glorious your rallies would be if everyone came with a taunting wheel of Jarlsberg! You could use the coded terms of “Milkies” or “Brudders of the Udders” to identify safely on Truth Social or X. The potential is endless.
 
Our Perceived Success
I’m a little concerned that you don’t know how insults are supposed to work. If we can’t get past this, I’m afraid any hope in your improvement will be a lost cause. You don’t generally put people down by yelling about how successful you think they are; Jews control Hollywood, control the banks, and run a secret space program. We get it, you think we are great at doing things. I sometimes walk away from X thinking, “I can be anything!” You can be very empowering with your ineffective attempts at racism.
Have you considered simply not elevating us in your rhetoric? I know it seems like the obvious move, but sometimes that is the best one to make.
Also, can you imagine what an Alt-Right-controlled film industry would look like? Given your earlier established lack of creativity, we’d have movies like: Disney’s The Tinnitus Sufferer of Notre Dame, Hate Actually, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Capitol Building.
 
George Soros
I have to be completely honest here. If it were not for antisemitism, I would have no idea who George Soros was or that he was Jewish. Even now, I know he is some rich dude and is Jewish, though he sounds Greek, but that’s about it. Maybe update the name for a younger generation, so Jews actually feel offended by the inferences or association. Let me suggest a couple for you. Ben Shapiro, Jared Kushner, or Stephen Miller, they all feel like walking caricatures of your vision of us anyway. At least this way, we could put a face to the name. You start associating Stephen Miller with the face of the “evil Jew,” and we will struggle to argue against it.
 
Israel
Whether you are a right-wing antisemite or a liberal one, I know how tempting it is to add Israel to your arsenal, but it's also a wee bit too complex for you. The layering of history, global economics, weaponization of theologies, and the constant churning of contemporary viewpoints from outside nations with their own objectives, frankly, puts this one way out of your league. It requires reading and contemplation, and so many other applications of intellect that get in the way of your child-like urges. Whenever you bring up Israel or Zionism as your antisemitic marching cry, you sound like a college student who is learning how to form their own opinion from a pamphlet handed to them in the quad.

I’d suggest you focus your efforts on a different geography, the small Eastern European village of Chelm. It has an almost exclusively Jewish population, and the people there are not the brightest. Some of the stories that have come out of there over the years are ridiculous. They actually tried to capture the moon in a barrel of water! This is a place that is more your speed. With Chelm, you don’t need to worry about any geopolitical or historical details, and they are constantly doing dumb things. Such as making fun of snout size. Maybe in a few hundred years, once you start to master a place like Chelm, you’ll be ready for Israel.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

I grew up in a house where nothing was ever wasted. We didn’t have leftovers.
It was ancestral energy trapped in Tupperware. My folks were survivors who never totally got over the war, food was life. Leave the fridge open, and instead of it beeping—you’d hear a bomb shelter siren.
And there was always that one container lurking in the back of the fridge like a witness in protective custody.
“What’s in there?” I’d ask.
My mother, in her German-Yiddish accent, would snap, “Don’t touch that. It’s important!”
Important? It looked like it needed a lawyer.
Some things need to be released—with love, a prayer, and maybe an exorcist.
 
My parents fought constantly. My mother wanted to be Catholic, my father wanted to be Jewish, and I wanted to be adopted—preferably by wolves. At least wolves take turns howling.
My mother’s rebellion came out in her cooking and cocktails. My father would take one sip and recoil.
“Liesel! What did you put in this? It’s revolting!”
And she’d say, completely unfazed, “Uch Bernie, it’s delicious. I spiked it… with
Manischewitz!”
Nothing says Christmas like kosher wine and resentment. Even Baby Jesus would have been like, “You know what, I’m gonna wait in the car.”
 
My father, bless him, could have used more fun in his parenting style. He was Austrian. Very regimented, very serious, and not from a culture famous for spontaneous whimsy. There’s a reason you’ve never heard of a comedy chain called Himmler’s Ha-Ha Hut. And if you did, you probably wouldn’t feel safe ordering the schnitzel.
 
Because my parents had survived the war, food was survival. Which meant, when my mother cooked a chicken, she cooked every last molecule. I didn’t know chickens had toenails until I had my mother’s soup pot.
Crunchier than corn chips, yumyum. Nothing says comfort food like needing a tetanus shot.
We also never had junk food, so Halloween was a problem. American children would ring the doorbell dressed as pirates, superheroes, and tiny witches, expecting candy. My mother would fling open the door, admire the costume, and deposit a chicken neck into their pillowcase.
“Oh, vunderful Batman! Here. A real treat!”
Kid screams.
“And for little Sally—a gizzard! And a foot!”
Little Sally would age three years on the spot.
Then my mother would chase the fleeing children down the block yelling, “Wait! I forgot the best part—the head!”
 
The next day at school the kids all thought my mother was an actual witch. Which, honestly, was fair. Our house on Halloween looked less like a family home and more like a poultry crime scene. Chalk outline, chicken carcass, non-stop screaming, parents arguing in mixed European accents—it was basically KFC on acid. No sides, just fear.
 
Therapy wasn’t a thing in our house. Not in a practical sense. So, I had to get creative. At one point I realized the only people who could interrupt my parents’ fighting were Jehovah’s Witnesses. Suddenly both my mother and father would fall silent to avoid opening the door. It was the closest thing to peace we ever had. And that’s how Switzerland was formed.
 
My parents were Jewish, but they raised me Catholic. Only they were so Jewish at church that it made everything even more confusing. During communion my father would mutter, “I can’t eat this cracker. It’s too dry. Needs a schmear. And I don’t mean to criticize Jesus, but couldn’t he have sprung for a toaster?”
So, I never knew which religion I was disappointing. Catholics had sin. Jews had guilt. I was double-booked. One day I disappointed Jesus, the next day my mother. It was a full social calendar.
 
And since my father had studied under Freud, I took an early interest in psychoanalysis. By kindergarten I was running a private practice at nap time. I diagnosed classmates for candy.
“Sally, your inability to choose a favorite Barbie indicates a neurotic disparity between your id and your superego.”
“Frannie, how many M&M’s do I owe you?”
And that’s how I became addicted to the red ones.
Later I attended twelve-step meetings for the free cookies, which of course led to a cookie addiction. But now when somebody annoys me, instead of saying “piss-off” I just say, “Wanna cookie?” Which is growth. Jewish growth—but growth.
I was also an extremely anxious child. I thought people could read my thoughts, so I tried to think only pleasant ones—tough when you’re staring at your father’s tense face noticing his pursed lips look like your cat’s Tuchis. And then I was like “OMG He thinks I’m comparing his face to a litter box!”
 
Food remained our family’s emotional support system. Jews and Chinese food belong together, like holidays and elastic waistbands. Chinese food isn’t just cuisine—it’s therapy you can chew. I firmly believe Moses parted the Red Sea while holding a takeout container. That wasn’t divine intervention. It was duck sauce.
The tablets didn’t say “Commandments.” They said, “White rice or brown—it’s a mitzvah if you mix. Don’t be rice-ist.”
And finally, after all the leftovers, guilt, poultry trauma, and identity confusion, I learned the most useful spiritual principle of all: not everything old is sacred. Some things are brisket from the Carter administration—and need to go.
 
Also, not finished with the Chinese, because if synagogues started serving sweet-and-sour matzo balls, attendance would skyrocket.
So yes, I come from a long line of people who saved everything. Chicken feet. Religious confusion. Emotional debris. But I like to think I’ve updated the family tradition. I still believe nothing should be wasted. Not pain. Not absurdity. Not even a childhood that occasionally felt like a hostage video directed by Freud.
Because if you season it right, even trauma can become humorous.

​Frannie Sheridan 30+yrs internationally performing solo mayoral awarded shows/stress management workshops disguised as fun, attracting Hollywood interest (Legendary Director Arthur Hiller who attached himself to direct Frannie’s film), as well as having been invited to the Capitol as an honored guest. Frannie Sheridan’s traditionally published memoir (MOSAIC Press) Confessions Of A Jewish Shiksa was the darling of the Frankfurt Book Fair, and her play (IRT) The Waltonsteins have been included as part of the educational system’s must read.
Frannie is the creator and narrator of I Tried to Be Normal But It Was Taken! audiobook/kindle being released on ACX/AMAZON this month. 

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

This Yom HaAtzmaut, I want to help. Israel Independence Day is coming and many Olim have no idea how to sell their Aliyah story, and to look good telling it. I’ve heard your stories. They’re bad. All you have is Nefesh BNefesh to blame. They didn’t educate you on the retelling of your Aliyah. There is no Haggadah for your move to the Holy Land.
Moving to Israel is a beautiful thing. A Mitzvah. You should be proud and honored to be with our nation. But there are critics out there. People who make a decent living, known as Americans. And they will test you.

Aliyah Is About Moving to Israel
We must be clear about this. We're talking about Israel. The Holy Land. The land of our people. Not Florida. Though Florida is the desired homeland that Gd chose for our people, nobody asks why people moved to Florida. Nobody is asking for an inspirational story about their gated community and how they saved on taxes. Nobody needs to know why they moved for safety, or the spiritual essence of walking through a golf course to shul.
Everybody understands why a Jew moves to Florida. You moved to Israel. Jews can't explain that. Boca Raton is reasonable. Why a Jew would move to Jerusalem, that you have to explain. 

What People Don't Want to Hear
Your story. Nobody wants to hear your story.
“I moved to Israel to be with my nation.” Who says that?! Nobody cares. "Peoplehood"?! Blah Blah Blah. Boohoo. You've lost your audience. How much does that pay. That's what people want to know. How much do they pay for living in the Jewish homeland.
Your story is pathetic. “Living in the land of our ancestors.” Nobody respects that. "The shekel is doing good." Now that's a reason. 
You've got to sound interesting. Pitch your Aliyah right. Spice it up. And never tell an American you thought it was a good idea. Since when is being with your people a good idea. Ever been to shul?! You say stuff like this at the Shabbat table, you will have no friends.

My Real Story- What Not To Tell
People used to hate me. Why? Because I told my Aliyah story. I would say stuff like, ​"I moved because it's a Mitzvah to live in Israel." They hear that, they think I'm a heretic. A Jew who doesn't believe in the Torah. If you want to live somewhere to do Mitzvahs, you move to Monsey. Teaneck. Kiriyas Yoel.
"Kodak closed. I wanted to get out of Rochester before they started blaming that on the Jews." I tell people that, they're asking me if Rochester is in Europe.
Nothing inspirational about my story. And that is why I don't tell my story.
Every Oleh has a story that didn't happen to them. You have to find yours. Your Aliyah story of inspiration and lack of employment. 
And do not use the "Mamdani became mayor" or "Obama and Biden were in office" Aliyah. Too many people have that story already. You want to be unique.
 
The Story of Connection Technique
This is how I talk about Aliyah now. "I made Aliyah of necessity to be awake, to be aware, to be of the people who need life to hit them in the face. Life is not always easy in Israel, but I am of the Olim, I made that change. I am of the Olim who did not want to leave my family. I am of the Olim whose heart yearns for connection to America. Yet, my soul yearns for a connection to my people. Growing up in Uganda, in an upper middle class family, I felt that connection. Of the nation of Israel. I came to settle the land, as in the Bible. I come to build the Homeland. A Chalutz. A pioneer of the year 2003. I am of the Olim who is part of a nation. I am of the tribe of Aliyah."
Strong ending to that Aliyah story. Beautifully self-righteous and vague. In other words, poetry. That's how experienced Olim speak. "Of the." How many times did I use "of the"? No idea. Employ it. "Of the" is inspired.
You see what I did?! You have to be the story of the Jewish people. Biblical. Do not be the story of yourself. Use the word "Bible." Bible works better than saying Torah. It's more inspiring. You inspire people like that. Now, they're coming to you for spiritual advice, and that's how you make money in Jerusalem.
They asked why I moved to Israel. I gave no answer. I diatribed about Jewish people. Somehow, I became a Chalutz. A pioneer who made the trek to Israel on EL AL flight LY26 from Newark. With an aisle seat.
"Uganda" in there. Brilliance. I've never been to Uganda. Now, I'm interesting.
If you're not as poetic as me, you need to go metaphysical. Add in something about your connection to Gd. Something about how Gd spoke to you.
 
Rabbi Yosef Karo - The Voice From Heaven Method
So brilliant. A Bat Kol, "a voice from heaven," told him to move to Israel. And that's why people respect Rabbi Karo.​ He was learning Shavuot night, and a voice came to him and Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz, telling them to move to Israel. 
The voice wasn't a disgruntled congregant who wanted them out. Many rabbis have members telling them to get out. That story goes, "Your Torah isn't wanted here. Your sermons are too long. Go someplace they appreciate Gd. Like Israel."
Use Rabbi Yosef Karo's story. You tell them you moved to Israel because a voice from heaven told you, they'll believe you. Your family already thinks you're crazy. You move to Tzfat, like Rabbi Karo, they believe you more. You tell them you heard a voice in Tzfat, they're not asking questions. You moved to Tzfat.
The first time people asked him, Rabbi Karo said it was a Mitzvah. He got no response. After a good hundred or so people, he polished his Aliyah story. He worked in the Bat Kol. He honed his craft.

Package Your Story
Your story must be packaged around Gd, settlement, original pioneer, near-death, and Uganda.
You want your American friends to know you’re part of the country. A Chalutz. A pioneer who has fully integrated into Israeli society. Conviction. You're an Israeli who has fully embraced the culture and can't speak Hebrew. Whose job is still in America. Because you're Israeli, and Israelis work in America. An original pioneer of our people, of the year 2026, with a dental practice in America. You pay people to dig.
Let them know you’ve done the army. Sounds good. You wanted to do the army. That's good enough. Throw in a real spiritual, life-changing story, about almost death and how you were saved, and then you saw Gd and you got a raise. Spiritual.
Wait. Package it with a Bal Teshuva story. Say you were returning in penitence. You mix that story of seeing the Jewish light with moving to Tzfat, you’re gold.
The more self-righteous the story, the more people respect you. As such, it is very important to close the eyes when telling your Aliyah story. Right now, I'm typing with my eyes closed, for you.
 
Lessons
Make sure you have a good spiritual story and you tell it with your eyes closed. Chicks dig it. And people think you're closer to Gd when you can't see. And strum a guitar while you're telling your story. That adds effect.
The less sense it makes, the more spiritual it is. Don't forget to say "of the." Nobody knows what that means.
Always use the "voice from heaven" line. Maybe throw in an "Elijah the Prophet" approached you on Birthright segment. Eliyahu the Prophet adds dimension layer to the Chalutz story. Makes it more Biblical. It takes your Aliyah to the next level. Even Rav Yosef Karo didn't use the Elijah thing.
You're from New York, Los Angeles, Singapore. I don't care. Tell people you're from Uganda. Employ "Uganda," that's all you have to say. That's your story. "Why did you make Aliyah?" "Uganda." "We get it."

Now you know what to say when they invite you for Shabbat dinner. Don't be a party pooper and kill the environment with your story. Say you’re a pioneer with a near-death experience, who heard a voice from heaven in Uganda. And people will love you. You'll have friends.
Or just say you thought you were moving to Miami.

I hope this was educational. 
Much respect. Kol Hakavod on your Aliyah.

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
​
Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about safety signs at work and big jars of gefilte fish, all while using a Mezuzah as an excuse for him eating cookies and putting on weight, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself holding the chocolate Hamentashen he gave out on Purim, which were well past expiration date.

Spent six-thousand dollars on food so far. Now I need to pick up cleaning products and dishware. Forgot about that. I was assuming that dishware came with the three-hundred-dollar brisket.
Here is my list of stuff I will need to get to ensure the home is Pesahdik. With notes I took down, to keep me focused on the goal of worrying more. Again. I didn't think of the dishes. Nor did I think I would have to clean.
Before going on, throw out everything and get a new carpet. And make sure I sold all the Chametz, so I don't have to clean.
Remember to clean more.
 
Cleaning Products
You need to get cleaning stuff for the kids to clean. They teach that it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach. Which is why you send the kids to Jewish day school.
Going to a hotel, you still need to clean. So, buy the cleaning stuff. The hotel housekeeping cleaned the room for you. Which means you have to clean.

Every cleaning shpritz. Buy it Tile cleaner shpritz. Stove cleaner shpritz. Stove and tile cleaner shpritz. Everything cleaner shpritz that doesn't clean everything. Wood cleaner shpritz. Wood might have Chametz and it truly gets the tree to look shinier. Get the shpritz with the picture of the lemons. I like clean lemons.
Window cleaner shpritz. Just in case Chametz was spread on the windows by a chipmunk. Maybe it hibernated in the screen. Acorns are probably legumes.
Potpourri. I'm not sure. Might be Chametz. Now I have to throw that out. Remember to buy potpourri after Pesach, if I have funds.

Vacuum. A Kosher for Pesach one.
Dustbuster. Just in case the vacuum doesn't work. Or I might want to save energy by bending and going down on the floor to clean.
Brooms. Mop. Swiffer. I need a Swiffer to do what the broom, mop and vacuum do. There is a Swiffer, I need it. I washed the floor. I have to Swiff it. It's a cleaning product, and thus I must use it on Pesach. Swiffing is another fence around Chametz.

That's nine-hundred-dollars in cleaning products. And be sure to log a hundred-twenty hours in the cleaning of the living room. After I've quit my job, I can figure out the rest of the necessary cleaning.

Blowtorch. I will need a blowtorch to blow up the home, to make sure it's Pesahdik. Oven cleaner shpritz should work to remove some grease from the oven. Can't fully trust it. Though, it took off part of my finger last year. So, it is legitimate. Blowtorch the place.

Toothpaste. New tube.
Toothbrush. I have one. Buy more.
Baby wipes. That's what people use nowadays. After two days of Matzah, I will need to start using baby wipes. Got to keep clean on the Chag. 
Soap. Kosher for Pesach is better, just in case you get hungry.
Detergent. Again. Hashgachas are better. Alpine flavored Tide is not Kosher for Pesach. So don't eat that.
Kids might do the laundry, if you can convince them that cotton is a legume.
Make sure everything I buy is expensive. Cleaning products should be Kosher for Pesach, just in case I plan to eat the oven cleaner.

Bristle stuff. Anything with bristles. 
Sponges. Can't use them on the holiday, but I should buy them. Good to have them. 
Brushes. Brushes that work as sponges. Wait. those not sponge sponges. Whoever figured that out is amazing. Shabbat breeds invention.
 
Feather and spoon. That’s how you clean for Pesach. I need to get the feather and spoon. Forget all the sprays and vacuum stuff. And make sure the feather has a candle. Without a candle how are you supposed to see in a house. Buy the packet to be sure it’s Kosher for Pesach before I burn it. Blowtorch the feather and spoon.

Extra Notes
Forgot mayonnaise. Shoot. The horseradish is going to hurt.
Get Kosher for Pesach lettuce. Don’t get the nonKosher for Pesach one. Never buy Bodek again. I’m not that well to do.
And parsley. Need parsley. I wrote “every vegetable” on my list. But I don’t know if parsley falls into that.
Chocolate covered almonds. Do not forget those. The cake will not be very good. I will need to eat a lot of chocolate covered almonds. Why do I not eat chocolate covered almonds during the year? That is a good question. I'll ask that at the Seder.
 
Maxwell House Haggadah because that’s tradition. Do not buy Maxwell House coffee.

There is a lot more that was left out. I should be at around eight-thousand dollars right now.
After you pull your kids from Jewish day school, you should have enough to purchase the rest of what you need on your Pesach list. Like more tinfoil. 
Don't pull your kids out of school until they learned it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach.
 
Anything with Kosher of Pesach on it or a "P," buy it.
And make a trip to New York to pick up more stuff. It's Pesach. Gas prices are not the issue with the cost of Pesach food. I can't blame Iran for what Gefen and Manischewitz are charging for macaroons. 
New York will have something I didn't think was Kosher for Pesach, like tape. Buy it. It's Kosher for Pesach.

Buy another Blumenkrantz guide. And make sure to look at the OU and Star-K's guides to make it harder for myself. So, I can feel more religious. 
And clean more. I feel very religious when I'm burnt out. When I haven't slept.
And make sure I have enough tinfoil and tins. I don't think ShopRite has enough in stock.

Forgot the dishware. Shoot. I'm out of funds. I will get that stuff next year. And don't dust anything next year. Leave the dust. I've been sneezing for a month.

Note for after Pesach:
Make sure to buy back your Chametz and house at a loss.

Announcements
Kroger has some good deals on Pesach food. Only fifteen dollars for a bottle of Kosher for Pesach mayonnaise. Kosher for Pesach lettuce is also on sale for just a little bit more than twenty dollars a pound.
 
Our prayers are with the US and Israeli armies. We apologize if that offends members of our shul. The board discussed it and with a vote of six to five, it was agreed that it is fine to pray for people who are protecting us and Israel. Even if it offends Jews in our shul, to pray for the protection of Jews is also fine.
The rabbi says you can support our soldiers, even if it isn’t an American thing to do. The board also voted you can’t blame Israel for everything, even if you are left-wing. Except for EL AL overcharging.
 
No outdoing the Chazin‘s singing. We know people like to sing and bother everybody. You are not allowed to out-singing the Chazin. The Chazin is loud enough. Children are scared, and we're losing congregants due to fear that Davening might take longer.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Save on Pesach Food- A Crash Course on How to Spend Only Thirteen Thousand Dollars on Pesach and Other Great Deals. The Art of Blaming Israel and Somehow Thinking You’re a Good Jew- With Our Congregants Who Show Up for Kiddish. How to Be a Chazin Without Being Asked to Be the Chazin- Shlomi and How He Sings Very Loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You bring a peace offering for peace. For H’s sake. Shlomo...
Sforno teaches the peace offering, the Shelamim, is brought when one recognizes Gd’s goodness. This congregation doesn't even recognize when they find a deal on Kosher for Pesach chocolate covered almonds. How can you recognize the gifts H’ gives you when you can’t appreciate finding a bag of almonds with chocolate on top for twelve dollars?! How can you appreciate Gd when you can't appreciate a sale on Pesach treats?! If you can't see H's miracles, how will you see his goodness.

Rashi teaches that it brings peace to the world. The Karban Shelmaim has a part for the Altar, a part for the Kohen, a part for the owner. Since everybody is satisfied, peace. Shalom.. I’ve never been satisfied after eating at the Minkowitz house. The portions are tiny. Everything is served on a teacup holder plate. And that is why there is no love in that family...

I don’t know if Shechting cattle in the Beit HaMikdash would bring peace to the Middle East. Slaughtering a cow will help with dinner. It would bring brisket to the Middle East. I don’t know if it would end the war. We’re just learning Torah... If you leaned Torah and shared a good Yapchik Kugel with a lot of meat in it, that would bring peace...
If we had the Beit HaMikdash would that bring peace? Don’t get me fired for sharing Torah ideas...

Rabbi Hirsch teaches that that the Shelamim sacrifice is called a Zevach, which could also mean a feast, because “during the eating of a peace-offering’s flesh, the owner would invite the family, friends and acquaintances.”
Again. Sharing. Sharing in praise of H’. You share H’s kindness, that brings peace.
I don't want to be invited to the Minkowitzs... Nobody breaks bread there, because they barely have any bread. Maybe a pita... People don't break pita. They rip it.
Again. Sharing. You share a feast... The Minkowitz family doesn’t share a feast because they cook barely anything. It’s like they’re hosting a rabbit for dinner, with the vegetables and no meat... Carrots in the choolante? Is that a Tzimis?! Nobody likes Tzimis...
Yes. I got it all from Artscroll. Does that mean it’s not correct?! Idiots.

Sharing... Sharing. Giving. It’s the same thing. Unless if you’re Ami, who takes. That’s what he does in the sharing process. He sits there and takes.
Recognize and share something that brings satisfaction...

Do you believe in H’? It’s Pesach. You’re supposed to spend money. That's how you bring H' to the world. That's how you share a feast. You spend a lot.
The miracle of Pesach is that even when you spend all of your money, H’ will provide... You spend money. You share the food. You have Shalom. The people that didn't pay for the Seder are happy... Your guests are happy. Unless if you're the MInkowitzs.
That's how you recognize H's goodness... It's a Mitzvah to go broke...

I understand there are people that want us dead. That’s why we pray for the president... I said it. Yes. We pray for the leader of our nation to have peace, to bring peace... He doesn't want to eat with you.
We thank H' for the blessing of life. We recognize peace... At least come to shul on time and Daven. Pray a Bissel.
And yes. We pray for Bibi. The leader of Israel... Israel is our homeland. Yes. It is. Always has been. Please let the board know, I apologize for letting Jewish people know that it's OK to pray for the Jewish homeland. I didn't mean to offend the Jews with talk of being part of a Jewish people... And we pray for the soldiers. I’m praying that I don’t have to deal with congregants.
And although it’s not American, we pray for America... This congregation turns me into an anti-Semite. I am getting to the point where I can't stand Jews... Because your political correctness is anti-Semitic. Your not being allowed to hate anybody somehow allows you to hate the Jewish people. And therefore, I hate you. I am starting to think that this thought I am having might bring Shalom...
Praying for Jews as Jews is fine. Jews being safe is part of Shalom. Peace.
Do you see the H' watching over us.  Can you feel it... I understand the board ruins recognition of Gd, and renovations...

Jews do something good, we get blamed... Israel leads an attack on a regime that’s been trying to kill us for forty-seven years, they get blamed.
If Israel doesn’t attack, they get blamed. I think they're confusing Israel with President Trump.
We’re still getting blamed for a genocide we didn’t do. We get blamed for stuff other people are trying to do to us. Kind of like what I have to deal with when it comes to the cost of Macaroons... I know they're expensive. I didn't do it. And yes. You are correct. Manischewitz are the ones targeting civilians...

What are we inviting people to share in? If it's not something enjoyable, that doesn't bring good. Hearing Shlomi sing, that doesn't bring peace. Hearing Shlomi overriding the Chazin doesn't help anybody recognize Gd during Kedusha. Nobody wants to join in that sacrifice of hearing his harmony...
The Chazin is painful enough. We don’t need you too. Nowhere in the Torah is there a suggestion to bring a voluntary offering of peace with Shlomi singing... Because that would chase everybody away from the Temple. Your harmony slows down Davening. And you can’t call it harmony. You’re louder than the Chazin. The Chazin is singing the song to your harmony. You threw him off. He thought you were the melody. That's how loud you are... Because you were louder... Melody is supposed to be louder. It’s not called melodizing. It's called harmonizing... You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you...
Sometimes it's sharing food. Sometimes is sharing a good song that brings peace. Sometimes it's Shlomi not singing...

The congregation wished you a Yashkoyach. Because they thought you were the one in charge. Sitting in your seat and running the Davening. Some even asked the Chazin to stop bothering your singing. They said he was rude for leading Davening.
You're not sharing your voice. Nobody wants to hear your voice. You're taking... Then you're sharing your voice too much. It's like overstuffing us with your sacrifice. It kind of turns it into us having to sacrifice for you. We don't feel the peace.

Ramban teaches the Karban Shaleim brings peace because of the wholeness of it. The one bringing the sacrifice is motivated not by a need for atonement but by a sense of wholeness.
It's pure praise. Pure wanting to give back. Something nobody in this shul does... It’s the full connection with H’ in the form of giving that brings peace. What it would be like to have that serenity of wholeness. A whole vacation away from here. Without having to deal with the board... The sisterhood giving back is a different conversation. It's almost as bad as Shlomi giving of his voice during Davening...

You give. You sacrifice. That brings wholeness. It brings all godliness together.
Shaleim, whole, is H'. Shalom. Karban Shelamim... It's not a pun.

When you're whole you can recognize Gd. And that comes from connection with others. Serving H' together. Without the Minkowitz family... And I understand if you don't want to connect with the other members at Kiddish. I hate our congregants too...

It’s the Minkowitz's fault. Probably bringing a turtle dove to sacrifice at the Temple... You can’t share a turtle dove. Maybe the Minkowitzs would find a way to split it up onto five teacup holders... A Shelamim has to feed people. It can't be a bird. You don't satisfy a community with a Cornish hen...
If the Minkowitzs gave us some chocolate covered almonds, we would find peace. Even if they got it on sale at Costco. That would bring recognition of H'... 
Chocolate covered almonds could bring peace to the Middle East... I know it costs a lot. If you stopped thinking about your money, and purchased everything for Pesach, there would be peace...

Rivka's Rundown
And we learned how peace works. It comes through chocolate covered almonds on Pesach. It is through chocolate covered almonds that we may recognize H'. And not through people singing in our shul. Not having to do the Musaf prayers with Shlomi and our Chazin brings recognition of H'.

The rabbi said he wasn't going to talk about the Third Temple, as he doesn't want any of our heretic members to tape him. To quote, "I don't want to end up on Tucker Carlson for loving H.'"

I’m just happy the Minkowitzs never invite me. I don't need to be invited to not eat. I'm a bad enough cook as it is. I don't have to go out to eat nothing.
The rabbi is right. If we had a good dinner, there’d be peace. If somebody made a decent couscous.

Now we know why you're supposed to lose all of your money on Pesach to food. It brings Shalom.
I am going broke just on the Matzah. Ever since our rabbi said we had to get the Shmura Matzah, I can’t eat anything on Pesach, other than Matzah. It turns out I don’t eat Gibruktz because I don’t have the money to make Matzah balls. After the Shmura Matzah purchase, I couldn't get eggs. Gibruktz is adding liquid to Matzah. I can’t afford the water bill.
I’m not looking forward to Seder night. People are always talking about how good the Matzah is. And it is, because people talk so much at the Seder, we’re starving by the time we eat it. I’m just thinking, about the Mitzvah of Matzah and how it bankrupt my bank account.
Matzah is known as a poor man's bread and I am extremely poor right now.

It seems like we have congregants that want Americans and Israelis to die. They want Sharia law for Jews. They feel that as Jews it's more important to keep Ramadan than Shabbat. I'm of the feeling that if they were worried about being hung for not following their Jewish laws, they would all keep Kosher.
They are offended if you say you’re Jewish. We have members of our shul that apologize for being Jewish. I was told, "Shabbat Shalom. I'm sorry for saying that."
I can’t even go to the grocery store without getting blamed for my Jewishness. It's like a sin. "What did you do? You're Jewish." I have to stop walking around with my half foot diameter Jewish star necklace.

"You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you." That hurt.
Shlomi was loud. It's true. I said "Amen" to him. Not to the Chazin. I even told the Chazin he was interrupting. I genuinely thought Shlomi was leading.
He said it was harmony, but he was louder than the Chazin. I think the rabbi was right. When you can't hear the melody, at that point, you're melodizing.

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off. 

How do you know Jews ate cold food in the desert on Shabbis? If not, it would have been Hot-Manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna. Hotmana. So many levels. Hotmana, insulating food in certain ways to ensure it's hot, is Asur, forbidden on Shabbat. It would have also been hot Manna So the desert Manna was cold. Halachik and Biblical understanding is essential for the full benefit of the pun. Yet, Manna is also a "course" in modern Hebrew. Which is why secular Israelis always have a cold salad on Shabbat, in addition to the BBQ. Now, we understand the pin in Modern Hebrew, Biblical, Halacha (Jewish law). Sometimes, explaining a joke makes it worse. However, when you explain it at length, it makes it better.
 
These guys learning at that Yeshiva in Bnei Brak never stop with their word jokes. Oh. Those Talmidim at Punivitch. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Pun. Punivitch is a Yeshiva in Bnei Brak. Pun is in the name. "Pun" and "Ivitch." No idea what "Ivitch" is, but it must be something in Yiddish. Talmidim are students. I know that's not a pun, unless if we're talking about tall students. Midim has the same root word as "Midot," even though Midim is not a word. Nonetheless, Midot means measurements. Measuring tall. Let's go on.
 
These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. They had so much Ahava. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. They were using the hand cream, gave them soft skin. They were also in love. Sometimes you have to work backwards in a pun. We educate on how to read puns correctly, for full enjoyment and love. Ahava. This is not an advertisement for hand lotion. We received no money for this pun.

The rebbe’s Talmid had a very bad stomach. He was Acidic. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Acidic. Hassidic. He was a Chassid with a bad stomach. He was the rebbe’s Acid. After eating all the choolante and shnitzel, there were many Acidic Jews in Meah Shearim. That is factual. You would know if you were at the Tisch on Erev Shabbat. This pun was written with journalistic integrity.

I was worried about antisemitism in Jamaica. First thing the guy said to me on Purim was “Heyman.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? “Hey man” is how people say Hi. Haman. Haman wanted to kill the Jews. The guy in Jamaica was greeting me. There's a difference. I misunderstood. You can work this in so many ways to bring people joy on the holiday, as a hippie, walking around going, “Hey man!” Please note that the kids born after 1970 may not understand your pun. Nonetheless, people not understanding your pun should never stop you from doing your pun. Every pun artist knows this. Puns are not about getting laughs. They’re about sharing knowledge. I hope this encourages you to keep sharing your puns, even if people don’t want to hear them. It has never stopped me.
What I was doing in Jamaica for Purim, that’s a story.

Iran’s IRGC is now the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Was a Corps. Now it’s a Corpse. We added the “e.” Bringing you a feel-good pun.

Our board thought they did the right thing, ruining the sanctuary. They had a whole meeting where they talked about the Mishkan’s reckonings. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Reckonings in the Tabernacle. Reckoned. Its accounting. They just wrecked the shul. The board didn't account for anything. And this is why we allow rabbis to decipher what the laws are. And not the recording secretary of the board.

***Note: You've learned how puns can be used for education, journalistic reporting, and how to help one sell Israeli products. The education you received today should be an inspiration for you to never give up, no matter how unsuccessful you are at something. Success never stopped us from bringing you puns. And don’t listen to anybody on the board when they suggest that it's tradition to wreck the shul, even if that's what they've been doing for many years.

Announcements
Flights to Israel are now through Egypt. Thank Gd our congregants are safe. Our congregants that were in Israel did come back through Egypt. That’s how much they wanted to get out of Israel.
 
Shul Tehillim circle is not happening this week. Malka can’t make it, so there is no praying.
​
Mazel Tov to the Feldmans.
 
A Makom should only take up one seat. A Makom is your seat in shul. Everybody should know, Pinchas‘ Tallis doesn’t get a seat. His shawl isn’t a person. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say it to Pinchas. 
Pinchas. Please move your Tallis so people can sit.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our People Left Israel- The Jews of Today and Other Stuff Left Out of the Bible. Why None of Our Congregants Other Than Malka Know Hebrew. How To Wish a Mazel Tov to The Feldmans on Their Mazel Tov- Events That Are Not Specified and Other Stuff Our Office Will Explain. How Many Makoms Can You Take Up- A Games Night with Our Congregants- A Form of Musical Chairs to Be Played During Minyin.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Wise-hearted people worked on the Tabernacle. H’ didn’t want idiots... Because when you have idiots, working on the building, you have a Mechitzah that falls. The partition falls every time we Daven. You put up an egalitarian Mechitzah... It makes no sense. Wise-hearted people measure stuff. That’s why the Tabernacle didn’t fall... They took Mishkan apart, Bernie. The Tabernacle didn't fall.
And now that the wise people did their thing we speak of “the reckonings of the Tabernacle” (Shemot 38:21)... They didn’t wreck it. They reckoned it. That’s the problem with our shul. Our board thinks they’re fulfilling Gd’s word by wrecking everything. They ruin the shul and they think they're filling the Beit HaMikdash Miat... A shul is supposed to be a small Temple. And ours is very small, because of messed up renovations, that just turned into destruction... How you call breaking a wall “renovations” is...

The materials. This is what we got from the people. They weren’t just wise. They were giving. Which is why the renovations of the Tabernacle didn’t take three years. The donations to the Mishkan were given... You people say you will give. It doesn't happen. By the Tabernacle, they donated what they said they'd donate. They weren’t trying to all work tax write-offs at the same time...
It worked because their Levites showed up for services... And they showed up on time...

Even when they traveled. Even when they were in the dangerous desert, they did things right. They reckoned in the hard times.
They were worried about hate, but the one “whose heart motivates him” donated (Shemot 35:5). They said they want to help, not like our congregants... You ran when we asked you to hold up the Mechitzah, Brian. Because Brian has no heart. That’s what made them people with hearts... I’m not sure. I’m guessing the desert was dangerous, with Amalek and the Ites.
We need people with heart who show up... People with heart donate. They give even in the hard times. They participate in building. Not ruining... What has been hard Brian?... I know it's hard to get into a new series. That's a very tough time. We all go through hard times in our lives, when we finish streaming a series and have no idea what to do...
They didn't have nice cars back then. They didn't have fancy houses in the desert... They didn't have trucks taking up the whole highway moving their homes. You think everything was so easy in the desert, because of the Manna. I get it Cheryl. It wasn't as easy as you have it. You have Manna every day. A whole supermarket full of it...
It's about heart. This Drasha is about heart... Not about going to the supermarket and picking up food you find disgusting and donating it to poor people. That is just rude...

You need heart. Flights to Israel are messed up. I get it. But it's our homeland. It's where we pray to be... You're all praying to get out of there. "Oh. H'. Please help me get out of Jerusalem." That's your prayer... Why? Because you have no heart.
So the idea is to travel out of Israel, through places that hate Jews, to avoid places that hate Jews... Egypt. Germany is now the safest place to travel through... Turkey. Felvel came back through Turkey, who promises to destroy Israel.
You couldn’t spend more time in Israel. How you wanted to get out of there. You were willing to risk your life...
But you Daven in Egypt. You show up on time to services when there is nobody to pray with... I get it. Leaving Egypt. That is when we erected the Mishkan. Is that what you're all doing running out of Israel? Trying to rebuild the Tabernacle?!

You need heart to do stuff right.
Egypt is separating men and women in the airports. Which the Feinwitz family appreciated. Mr. Feinwitz hates his wife.... We only separate for prayer and celebrations. We travel together in this shul... OK. Unless if it’s on a bus.

And now there’s no Tehillim. Our people need Tehillim now. They’re getting bombed. But they don't get the prayers of Psalms because Malka is the only one in this shul with a heart... Malka has a wise heart. Wise-hearted Malkie.
And that is why Malka is in Israel right now. Stuck there. Because she has a heart... People booking bad tickets, and forgetting to catch their flight, takes heart... I don't know if Malka would have helped build the Tabernacle. I can say, she would've donated something. I know she dropped off the expired box of Cheerios for the poor people... At least it was a name brand, Mark. You're bringing Good Value ‘O’s... Is that even a brand? It's a sale sign. You donated Walmart Sale Sign ‘O’s. The poor people do not appreciate your heart.

What are the Feldmans celebrating?  We just got a Mazel Tov in the announcements. Nothing else... Well. Mazel Tov on your Mazel Tov. You should be blessed with good heart and reckonings. And a board that is not involved in your home's renovations. They will wreck it.

Pinchas. Heart is not about taking up the whole things. Moshe didn't help with the reckonings, and the reckon the whole place for himself...
You take up whole row with his Tefillin, coat, bags. His Tallis has a spot. A spot for a Tallis. We’re going to charge your Tallis on the High Holidays.
People sitting next to you might happen in shul. That's what happens when you pray with people... There are other people here... Your Shtender has a chair. It’s a free-standing lectern with its own chair. You have a conductor table in shul with its own seat.... And you were all against pews. At least you could justify a pew being yours... It's five seats. But one. 
I'm just asking you all to have heart. To share. To give. To not mess up the building of our shul like the dumb-hearted.

When you have a heart, nothing stops you from being good. Man's Search for Meaning. Read it... I know it's not in Hebrew. Yet, it's a great Sefer. It's Torah… It’s not because you haven’t read the book. You have no heart because you’re an idiot.
When you have a good heart, you don't take up every seat... It is wise-hearted to keep Bernie away. I get it. In that case, taking up space...
When you keep that heart you travel as a Jew and risk your life. You travel to Israel. You say Tehillim, even without Malka. You move. When you have a good heart, you're in good shape. Your cardiovascular system...
No heart. Just selfishness. This is why we lost the shul basketball league this year. No heart.

You win with heart. Renovations are done right with heart. You reckon with heart. And with heart, we wish the Feldmans a Mazel Tov... People didn't donate Mazel Tovs to the Tabernacle...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi ended the Drasha on a whole fitness thing, talking about having a good heart. And somehow aerobics leads to donations.
​And even after the sermon, people still haven't paid their Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeals.  But they did donate a bunch of Chametz to the poor people, dropping the expired cans off at the shul, reckoning the shul very not Kosher for Pesach. 
I have a feeling people clean their homes, drop off their Chametz at the shul, and claim it's for poor people. Basically, their donations are their issues they're throwing at the shul. They trauma dump their garbage on the shul.

Very few people were in shul. They saw it was a double Parsha. That scared them away. To quote Evie, “The Levites didn’t show up when there was a double Parsha.”

That supermarket full of Manna line. Brilliant. That's Jewish theology in four words.
Why the rabbi always talks about fancy cars in the times of the Torah. No idea. We know Lincoln Town Cars didn't exist back then.
I think the rabbi's main point was they didn't have a Kosher section in the desert. And they still donated to their shul. Which was the Mishkan. And they showed up to services.

The rabbi ended his sermon with a shul chant. “We are Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah and we have heart. When the game is on, we always start.” Made no sense and it had no beat.
The name of our shul is too long to root for. That's why we always lose.

I guess the Ites are a people. The rabbi said so.

The rabbi had to take back the risking your life part with the whole leaving Israel thing. It scared people. In a class during the week, he was asked when it's fine to risk your life. He made it clear that the only time it's fine to risk your life is when Kashering your kitchen for Pesach. At that point, throwing boiling water and taking a blowtorch to your home is fine.

All of these flights are crazy now. Got to fly through the most dangerous places. Truth be told, Iran is the safest place to fly through. Nobody is aiming for those airports.
The IRGC of Iran really kills flights and vacations. They will ruin a good trip.
Our Jewish people over here will do anything to not be in Israel. Our congregants will show their solidarity in every way but being there. They will go on a walk for Israel. They will shop for Israel. They dedicate their vacations to Florida to Israel. At the Kiddish luncheon, Michel dedicated his gefilte fish to Israel, and ate it.

Malka is not back from Israel because she missed her flight. She wanted out of Israel too. She's just as much of a heretic as every one of us. But she does lead a good Tehillim prayer service. Very melodic.

Tehillim circle is messed up. They just come to talk. Most of them are knitting scarves. It’s more of a sewing circle. A sewing and talking about people circle. It’s a Tehillim Lashon Hara circle. Being that we have some Israelis who show up, and they're talking in Hebrew, it sounds very religious.

The donations are messed up. I'll just leave it as that. Our shul is the expired food bank.

At least the shul announced some stuff that was happening this week. Like a Mazel Tov to the Feldmans. A Mazel Tov sounds like enough of an event. A Mazel Tov is something to celebrate. I love hearing "Mazel Tov." If you see me, wish me a Mazel Tov. Mazel Tovs are always good. If my husband dies, I'll be fine hearing Mazel Tov.

Taking up five Makoms. Not a lie. These people take up five seats. His tallis has a spot. The guest stood for forty-five minutes, trying to figure out if it was proper to ask the Tallis to move.
They all take up four to six spots. Whole rows. They take up whole rows. I think they pay dues and they feel they have the right to a row. Our shul holds a hundred eighty people or five of our members at morning Minyin.
B”H there are no pews. I'm against the rabbi and his pews idea. If there were pews, Pinchas would take up the whole shul. He would have at least five pews. A pew for his Tefillin. His Tefillin would have a pew. He would lay out his jacket. I was once in a waiting room with Pinchas. No other family in the ICU got a couch. He claimed them all. One of them was Pinchas' coat. One couch was the food he picked up at Costco. He said he needed a couch for it because the boxes of chips were too big.

Because they called for the musical chairs Makom game to be played during Minyin, nobody showed up to the event. It turns out that prayers chase people away from our shul.

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.

(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
I enact rabbinic decrees in locker rooms when I'm trying to relax in the Shvitz.

Rambam (Hilchot Teshuva 7:5) teaches "All prophets commanded us to do Teshuva.” Always telling us we have to repent. Always focused on the negative. Never, “You guys are doing great with the idols."
 
(Devarim 25:17–19) We are commanded to remember Amalek to erase their memory. And we’re commanded to read that, in order to remember them, to not remember them. It’s not easy, but we have to remember to not remember Amalek. You forget things by remembering them.
Please forget that I wrote that. But remember what I wrote, but only to not remember what I wrote.
 
Everybody must fight in a Milchemet Mitzvah. (Rambam Hilchot Melachim 5:2) A war to protect Israel from enemies “you force the nation to go out.” Rambam left out the part, “Unless if you’re Charedi.” I said it.

You should forget what I taught here. But remember what I taught, so you can forget it, to remember it.​

Announcements
We pray for Israel, our Israeli soldiers and our American soldiers, even if members of our shul are against prayer because of Trump.

Jewish athletes are causing antisemitism by liking America. Be safe. Don’t say you support hockey. Their patriotism is very not American. We as a shul stand against hockey players who support the USA. The board’s official statement: “We’re against anybody who represents their country in the Olympics. Patriotism is not American.”

We are sorry to all who planned to fly to Israel. Iran has ruined your vacation again. In support and solidarity with our Jewish brethren getting bombed in Israel, we are planning a shul trip to Florida.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Trump’s the Reason You Quit Your Job & Your Wife Left. Jewish Athletes & Love of America- How Appreciation and Hockey Cause Jew Hatred. Follow-up Class- How Jews Are the Reason for Every Hockey Fight.  How to Throw Out Mishloach Manot. Trips and Iran's War Against Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 33:12, 33:18) Moshe seems to plead with Gd to know Him by name. He wants to see Gd’s “glory.” He wants to know more about H’. And I can say that I know enough about the board. I would be happier not knowing any of your names... When you care, you want to know more. There's an intimacy to a relationship, not a constant nagging to give shorter speeches. A wanting for your rabbi to get a little vacation, so him and his family can enjoy themselves...

(Shemot 33:20) Moshe is not able to see Gd’s face, as H’ tells Moshe, “Man cannot see My face and live.”
I would rather not see the faces I see in shul today... I wouldn’t mind if everybody here was behind a rock... Maybe H' just doesn't want the congregants to be coming to see Him. Because that can get very annoying.

Why does Moshe want to see H’ so much?
If you love and care, you want to know... None of you want to know about dues.
When there’s love, there’s a desire to know more. Which doesn’t exist in the Feinwitz household. I believe they are separated. And I don’t believe they have seen each other’s faces in two months... Mrs. Feinwitz has not requested to see the man.

Moshe wants to see H’ so much because Moshe wants truth. Moshe vTorato Emet. “Moshe and his Torah are Truth” (Baba Batra 74a). He wants to connect with all truth. Not lies. Like Mr. Finkelberg and his new concept for a shul pool... I understand it rhymes. That doesn't it make it good for our shul. You don't come to shul to then take a dunk and head to the Shvitz... I know the JCC is open on Shabbis. Doesn't make it the right. Truth. It does let us know which of our members are Apikorsim... I can tell. It's the ones that are not overweight.
You can only know truth when you know the deep desires. When you are intimate. When you love your spouse. Not like the Feinwitz Mishpuchi. You have to see the face. See the person...
​
Do you know what is going on for the people of Israel? Moshe would. He wants H' to be with His people. Moshe doesn't say he wants a board for H's people. Nowhere does Moshe say, "I think our board president, Ruchel, is good for the people. Everybody should know her."
Do you want to know more about Israel. Do you pray for them. A desire to know. An intimacy. A connection. To connect our people to H' and not messed up Mishloach Manot with bite size Snickers that can't even hold more than an "s"... If it can't hold the whole name, it's not a Snickers. It's a Ser, an Ner, a Rer... And now I'm entangled with candy that doesn't even have a full name... 

Connect with the president of the US. Pray for him... You people have to get over Donald Trump. He’s president and we have to pray for the end of the IRGC... There are other problems. I know. We still have a board. And our board meetings last longer than IRGC regime leaders.
The question is if Israel can stop our board from ruining our shul...
Truth is you hate Israel. You don't care about the Israeli soldiers or Israelis either... If you hate what Donald Trump is doing right now... Because you don't desire to to see his face. You got mad at Jack Hughes for wanting to go to the White House. You don't even care about hockey... So, now you hate Canada too.
What do you want to connect to? I know you don't want to connect with Gd... Because you're talking in the back, all of Davening, Max.
Can we pray for Mamdani?!... OK. You want to pray for Mamdani, because he hates Israel.
You have Tefillah Derangement Syndrome... Connect. Be intimate with the president. Invite him for lunch. For Kiddish. Pray...

It’s Jewish times of refuge, BE”H. Support your country. Support your soldiers... Our soldiers are not the IRGC. Iran not funding Hamas and Hezbollah is a good thing... Yes. Even if Trump is for it. I know that's confusing... I wish ICE would come to this shul and...
I don’t care about international law. Because the UN came up with it. How about Jewish law. Do you want to know that? How about Torah?! Maybe learn a little of Gd's word. Maybe that's more important than AARP Magazine... I know you're old.
Torah is our way to connect with H'. To see truth. Moshe's Torah is truth. Intimacy and truth. Stuff the Feinwitzs don't have.

Moshe brings the Truth to the people. A real leader... Truth. Words like genocide mean genocide. Genocide doesn't mean defending yourself. Illegal means illegal. Not the Shlomo took your Makom Kavuah... Even if it's your seat. Calm down. Not making shul painful with congregants means not having to deal with our membership...
Not to offend anybody. But you take out a terrorist regime, it's not a bad thing. Even if Donald Trump is part of it. And I just offended our board. If I get fired for not supporting terrorism... Last meeting, you were trying to figure out what should happen with the IRGC. You can't even figure out what drapes to pick for the shul's office window...
Moshe fights for Israel. And with that comes truth. He wants H’ to be with the people. And I would like that too... Because you're a bunch of Saturday JCC goers...

Supporting our soldiers is important. Very important... I know I disagree with the board. I'm here praying for our people. Our soldiers. The board is intimately trying to figure out where the Danish should be placed at Kiddish. They're praying for pastry that's not stale...

The only thing I know intimately is antisemitism. I know the board... Good question. For safety, should you say that you hate America. Let's ask an anti-Semite. Our shul president...

I want to be intimate with our people. Want to be able to visit Israel when I book a flight. The IRGC killed our last vacation... The congregation owes me another vacation...
We do blame EL AL too. We pray that EL AL won't be able to blame Iran anymore for bringing up the cost of flights.
I have intimately paid a lot for flights to Israel. The IRGC is the face of that. The IRGC, EL AL and our board... Forcing me to take vacations at the worst times. High season.
We must know Gd, our people, Israel, intimately. But that's impossible without flights. Moshe should've asked Gd to see better deals on EL AL...

We pray for safety for all. We pray for no more terror. Be a leader of a truth, like Moshe... Even on social media. Fight with your friends. Let them know they are wrong. Lose your friends. That’s what it takes... You will get fired. That is true. But you will have truth. You will have connection. And you will be broke...

How does going to Florida support Israel?... If you are not in Israel, they don't have to see you. If you didn't come to shul, that would be appreciated by the congregation. I get it...

(Shemot 33:17) H’ capitulates to Moshe’s requests. “Also this thing that you have said I will do. Because you have found favor in my eyes and I have known you by name.” Connection. That is what makes for compassion. For truth... I won't cut my sermons shorter. And I won't have more office hours. Whatever the board said, I will not do... I will be going to Israel. And I will support our troops. Because I want cheaper flights to Israel. For crying to H' out loud...
Truth can only be seen when you have a heart. Unlike these Israel haters and the board. If the board played hockey, they would've lost the game against Canada... Can you at least take pride in Jewish kids who are good at a sport. If we don't have that, all we have is Hollywood... Maybe don't say that to anti-Semites. Say the Mormons run Hollywood...

(Shemot 33:19) And with all of that H’ still says “I will be merciful when I choose to be, and I will be compassionate when I choose to be.” H’ is going to still be honest. With all the love. You can’t always show compassion. And that is why I have to say that some of you congregants are the worst thing for the Jewish people... H' chose to not be compassionate when He chose Ruchel and a bunch of Jews who think terror is good for our people, because Donald Trump doesn't like it... You not going to Florida instead of Israel is compassionate. An act of kindness to our nation...
Does Rebecca ever show compassion? Nope. Just a very annoying member of our shul who doesn't stop talking about her ideas for a new Challah role sourdough recipe...

Even Moshe still can’t see H’s face. There is always something us humans will not know. Something blocks our vision. Sometimes it's a rock. Sometimes it's Faye's fedora.
Some things will never make sense. Why Bernie comes to shul. Why he has to come to shul. Why Faye sits there with those annoying hats. Why Mitzi won't move from the Kugel at Kiddish. Other people are waiting. Why we have that back left section of very annoying congregants...
We have to know what we can. We still have to fight for what’s right. To see it. For truth. For better prices on EL AL...

There’s intimacy because there is a desire. A prayer. A connection.
H' comes towards Moshe's request. Moshe can't see All. But That's not what's important. What's important is that H' blesses him with a countenance that blinds the people and keeps them away... So, they don't bother him in his office... The desire is important. The Feinwitzs have absolutely no desire. And I understand. If I was part of that relationship, I would want out too.
I have no desire to connect with the board. They have chosen to never show compassion. Won't even give their rabbi Pesach off... And the guy working at the bakery hates you too.
That's the truth. The Emet.

H’ is beyond this world. You can't be in this Physical Olam and fully see H’. But you can be here and connect with his compassion. What He shows when He chooses.
May we be Zoyche to see H’ and His compassion for our people, our Olympians, our soldiers. And may He disband our board...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got political, and BE”H we will have fifteen less members next week.
I think the rabbi compared the board to the IRGC and Tucker Carlson.
What I gathered is the rabbi doesn’t want intimacy with his congregants. And that’s a good thing. Nowadays you get fired for that.
I think he also blamed ICE for not coming to our community. He was mad ICE hasn't come to our shul yet.

The Feinwitzs were hoping to get back together. They rekindled their love for one another. After the rabbi's sermon, they immediately signed the divorce papers. And there was a Bat Mitzvah in shul today. I think the rabbi called her an anti-Semite.

The board wants the rabbi to give shorter speeches. I believe everybody in our shul wants to know less of each other. Nobody in our shul has ever requested to see somebody's face more than they have to. People have stopped coming back for Seuda Shelishit on Shabbat afternoon, because they don't want to see the other members again. Truth is, most of the congregants walk with their heads down. Very immodest and egotistical people. They just don't want to see anybody.
Most of us would rather not know any names. We would rather not have people know our names. They know your name, they ask you to help. Best Shabbat meal I ever had was at a random family in Dayton, Ohio. Not one person knew my name. It got to the point mid-dinner where they were afraid to ask. I had been there too long for them to admit they didn't know who I was. I don't even think they realized I was sitting there. I didn't have to pass a thing.

The rabbi is truly mad about the cost of trips to Israel. I think that's what this war is all about. He just wants a deal on flights. He wants Israel and America to win the war in Iran so that he can find a sale on Travelocity. He's convinced that's why Israel is in this.
He also made the point that it's because of terrorists that we have to stand in security lines and get everything checked at the airports. Before that, it was much easier to shoot people on planes.

I brought up the politics at work this week. Not good. I realized I can't bring up anything I see in the news. I would be showing up every day saying, "People have died. And more people dead." People at my work don't like to hear that, unless if it's about a Jew. That at least brings a smile.

It is a time of Jewish peace. Be”H.
Oh. The rabbi got people mad, showing support for Israel and America. As Kim said, "Supporting the government. That's not very American." 
The Jews are mad that Jews might be safer without Iran. As Brian said, "Feeling safe is not Jewish. I am starting to feel a bit secure about myself. I'm turning into a Goy."
I got in a five hour argument with one of my friends at shul who made it clear that the real problem with this war is the Epstein Files. She got that from CNN. As she said, "That's exactly how it was reported. And they also said Mamdani is proIsrael. Which is why his wife likes posts which say to get the Jews out of Israel. I think she also wants them out of New York." She also mentioned later in the week that they had Mahmoud Khalil over to break the Ramadan fast, as a sign of support for the Jewish people. I think Mamdani's wife wants Jews dead. I'm beginning to think last week was a very heavy week.

Our members hate themselves so much. They will only pray for more antisemitism. That's their Tefillah. They hate the vLamlshinim prayer. They want a Bracha that says, "Our enemies should be blessed with more weapons, because of Donald Trump, who is trying to help our people."
Nothing bothered the people more than the rabbi praying for the end of terror. Our membership feels that’s not politically correct. As that’s their tradition. And they have the right to their tradition.

Iran truly kills vacations. As the rabbi said, "The IRGC's objective. is to get flights cancelled. And to have EL AL charge more."

That's how they support Israel. They don't visit.

The rabbi told a beautiful story about how you can get to know H' by getting to know a stranger. He quoted a rabbi. Forgot the rabbi's name. Just be happy I remembered this. All Moshe could see was an image of H', and a stranger is only an image. Which that stranger is. Created in the image of Gd, get to know that image. I think the point of that story was strangers are better than members. He brought it in the sermon to say that he doesn't want to know any of our membership. At least more than he already does. And he hates the board.