How did the Gishmack Chassidic Minyin experience in Miami Beach end up. Last time we spoke of Streimels and my inability to pronounce them correctly. I sound too American to be Frum. What happened next.

One Guy Welcomed Me
One of the kind men came over to say "Vos Machstu." I answered, and he realized he was dealing with somebody that has a disability.
He was doing Kiruv. Either that, or he was just a kind man, or he was being nice to a nonJew that was wearing Tefillin. Whatever it was, he disrupted Davening.
There were other very nice people too. But they had too much Kavanah to say Hi. Come to think of it, that guy that welcomed me wasn't focusing on Davening. Not a very good Jew.

Torah Reading Was Different
I didn't understand Layning. I think they were Layning in Yiddish too. It must've been. To understand the Torah reading, I had to use the Hebrew as a translation.​

They Have Different Zmanim
I thought Shkiah was at sundown. It turns out it's forty minutes after that. Chassidim have longer days. Clocks read differently in Yiddish.
If you enjoy Shabbis, this is good stuff. You can get an extra few hours of Shabbis just in the morning hours.

One of Them Was A Rebbe
They were all rabbis. One was a rebbe. I know that now, because he was old. And he had a hunch in his back. Which means he learned a lot of Torah. And they followed him when he walked. That's when you know you're a holy person, when people follow you.
I was walking pretty fast to get to Minyin, and I cut in front of somebody walking very slow. That was a mistake. At the time, I was not aware of the Chassidic traffic patterns of Miami Beach. Now I know to walk slow. Just walk at a leisurely pace, behind people. Follow them and you'll be fine. The idea is to stalk the rebbe.
The rebbe truly slowed up traffic. There were a good thirty Chassidim behind him, waiting for him to go into the shul, so they could pick up the pace and get home.
As the rebbe walked into the shul, one Chassid said, "Now I'm late for work again."
Some walk fast. Some walk slow. Some walk behind the rebbe. Some take a car. But they're all Chassidim. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme I bring you.

There Were Women
There were women there. I didn't see them. They weren’t in shul. There is no way there were no women. Even Uman gets women.
After Davening, I realized the women were at the beach. Some of the women were in their swim trunks. Some in their Sheitel. Some were sunbathing. Some adjusting their Tichel. But they were all not at shul. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme. I just came up with that one and translated it as I wrote it.
Side note: Chassidic single weekends are not the right place to meet the ladies. 

They Will Ask for Money
People were asking for money. But not on Shabbis. So, you might want to skip Sunday morning Minyin. Save a couple of bucks.
It’s hard to choose who to give to. There were twelve guys collecting for something. I don't know what's for what. You see, I'm already talking as a good Chassid. "What's for what." That just sounds Yiddish.

And that's my experience as the eleventh man at the Minyin. A beautiful weekend with my Chassidic brethren, and I'm sure there were some sisteren there. Somewhere. They must've been there. 
​At least I came out sounding more Jewish.
​
I give you this rundown so that you can learn from it. And you can act Frum the next time you're going to the beach to check out the ladies.
I still have no idea what Chassidic sect they're from. I asked them, but I think they answered me in Yiddish. I didn't understand. I was amazed the rebbe felt it was important that his Chassidim be near South Beach.
I didn't expect to see that Minyin right off the beach. Men in bathing suits with a Streimel. B"H, I did not see that.
 
Some sunbathe in Israel. Some sunbath in Florida. Some are name Michel. Some are named Devorah. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme for you.

Announcements
We ask our congregants to calm down with their Shtenders. We cannot have everybody bringing their own Shtenders. The uniformed look of our shul has brought down the value of our sanctuary. We don’t feel it has helped with the renovation process.
 
Stuff is happening this week. There is weekday Davening. Then there will be Shabbis. And Shalishudis. There will be Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Probably weddings. And Classes Happen. You should show up.
 
The rabbi is now allowing people to post Simcha pictures, as annoying as your family looks. Rule: All pictures must have club style pull up signs.
The rabbi does want everybody to know that your social media pictures are still annoying.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How a Shul Can Waste Millions on Renovations and Still Have Every Congregant Show They Disagree with What They Agreed On- A Shtender Protest and A Halachik Look into Community Decisions. Our Shul’s Announcements and How to Make Announcements Like Our Board Who Gives No Details- Vagueness and Why Nobody Shows Up When They Don't Know What Is Happening. Follow-up Class- Dealing with Idiots. How Congregants Can Be More Annoying When You See Their Pictures on Instagram.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When your snake staff gets eaten by somebody else’s snake staff, you listen. That's a life truth. A credo...
Paroh was stubborn like the people of our shul who think it’s important to post their family vacation pics. Being happier than everybody else’s families... Nobody cares about the Simchovitz family Florida trip...
(Shemot 7:22) Paroh sees that his necromancers do their thing and also turn water to blood, like Aharon just did. “And Paroh’s heart is made strong and he does not listen to them...” "Them" is Moshe and Ahron. It was not Yanky and Rachel. If Paroh had to listen to our board, Paroh would’ve let our congregants leave. He would’ve thanked H’ for getting rid of our members.

When we think we can do stuff, we choose not to see H’. Yes. Many of us can ruin water. I have been to many of our congregants for Shabbat dinner. You can ruin that too... Very bad Kugels.

See Gd. That's the message. See Gd and you won't mess up everything in our shul... Nobody wants to see the Simchovitz family vacation in swimsuits. Even necromancers couldn’t create something that horrific. If there was blood in the water at the Bahamas. If we were just so lucky that you couldn’t go into the water on your vacation...
That’s what he saw. You see what you want to see. This is why Sadie loves this shul. She can’t see the bad. That’s her shortcoming... How his sorcerers change the water to blood when the water was already changed to blood, I don’t know. That’s what he saw. That’s what he chose to see.
I choose to not see the Simchovitz family vacation picture. And that helps me see Gd better.

We have to choose to see that we can't do sometimes. That H' is doing... Because when you think you can do stuff, we end up with members. Committees. Bernie and Fran.
See stuff for what it is. See H’ in what is. And see how our congregants mess it up.

Let’s see the Shtenders. This is the most ununiform congregation. Like Ramot Polin. The ugliest thing I've ever seen... Because I see the Shtenders.
Chairs are in their spots, like the renovations called for. But now we have Shtenders everywhere. Different Shtenders. They would’ve never done this in the Temple... Shtenders are great for a Beit Midrash. We’re talking about a shul where people can’t read Rashi.
Now with your Shtenders, shul capacity is down from 200 to 80 people... In the Third Beit Hamikdash they will not allow Shtenders... The Kotel is different. You can have Shtenders at an open shul... If you would've had stackable plastic chairs in the sanctuary plans, like the Kotel, Shtenders would make sense... Keter chairs do not cost five hundred dollars apiece.
The construction team didn't take into account Yankel's Shtender with the wood and the metal piece. They didn't take into account all of your Bar Mitzvah gifts, Yankel... Why didn't you bring it up at the meeting. "We need a bunch of chairs that cost five hundred dollars each, and Shtenders that come with the chairs for an extra two hundred dollars. And then I'm going to bring my own Shtender..."
Shmuli Pinchas didn't bring up his six-foot tall Shtender either... You're the only person who looks up at his Shtender... Nobody can see the Aron over your Shtender. Because of your Shtender, you can't see Gd in this shul...

Show up to what? There are no specifics and no times. We saw nothing in the announcements other than "stuff is happening."
We want to thank our office for being very not specific with the announcements... I don’t know when Minyin is either. The board is fine with just putting it out there that there’s Minyin... The announcements say "Minyin. They will happen at some point. Probably at another shul."
We all see it. We don't need a committee meeting. We need normal announcements that tell you things. Announcements need to tell you where stuff is... When is also important. Very good Chaim...

H' doesn't want to see your family pictures. It's like a plague of not happy families... There is no way that teenage girl of yours was happy. She smiled because... That was not a smile. There is no way she was smiling. It was a smile but not a smile...
Your family celebrating brings no Simcha to anybody. You look like a bunch of losers. But if you want to post your sideways standing pictures, we will allow it... Your family is heavy. The forty-five-degree angle didn’t help. Nor did the buttoning of the suit jackets. They were portly jackets. Your jackets were fat...
Retractable banners make it clear that it’s a Simcha. When we see “Chani and Moishie’s Birthday Bash” we know it’s Asur. Birthdays are not Simchas. Nobody cares about Chani getting older... We have to see things that are godly. Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, Bar Mitzvahs, Brises, kids leaving for college... We as a community celebrate that.
I’m allowing it only if its Simchas. But your pictures on social media are annoying...

You choose to see or not to see. I choose to not see the back left of the shul. Can't stand them...

(Shemot 7:22) Paroh didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon “as H’ had spoken.” When you don't see H's work, you don't listen to His word. Everybody in the back left, listen to me... H’ knows the ways of the evil. The "it's my Shtender generation."
Might have Shtenders. That's a good creation. But it's not H's way. H's way is sharing. Do you share your Shtender, or is it yours. Is it all about your power?!

And Paroh’s heart is made strong. A strong heart is good when you’re a congregant who doesn’t do stupid stuff. A strong heart is good when you need to run a marathon. A strong heart is good for pumping blood...
Paroh had a stubborn heart. That was his strong heart. It was hardened. Evil. Like the heart of the Shtender mob... That is evil. Like the board.
The hardened heart causes one to not to listen to the sermon. To the words of your rabbi... Don’t let your Bar Mitzvah harden your heart. Even if the pictures are messed up. Find that smile. That godly smile.
See H' and show up to Minyin. Whenever that is. No one would know because the board doesn't have the heart to allow us to see the times...

If your hearts weren't hardened by the board, you would have not wasted money on chairs. You would've went with Keter plastic chairs. And nobody would've posted the Simchovitz family pictures online. Forcing us to see that...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi and Simchovitz family got in a debate about what is actually smiling. The rabbi contends that if you smile because your parents make you, it's not a smile. "You have to smile from within." The Simchovitzs contend that you can't see a smile from within, "as the mouth is on the face, on the outside." I contend, I don't need to see the Simchovitzs smiling in their bathing suits.
The whole Kiddish, the members were discussing the philosophy of smiling. And not one of them smiled. It turns out that our congregants only smile for pictures. It's a quick reflex. They hear "cheese," they smile by accident, realize they smiled, and then stop.
I feel like families smiling and posting it is a way to rub their vacations in your face. Their Yeshiva week trips. It's also a chance for annoying people, that think the Simchovitzs have money, to tell them they all look "so good." I don't see it. H' doesn't see it. H' sees the smile within, and how annoying teenagers are, and how the Simchovitzs have to join a gym.

The rabbi truly defined the people with the "it's my Shtender generation." Perfectly defines our children. Especially when they get back from Israel. Selfish.

Shmuli Pinchas' Shtender is taller than the Bima. It's messed up. He's got this Shtender ego. Carries it around with that Shtender pride. Parading the gold writing on brown and navy-blue book covers.
The Shtenders look awful. Everybody brings in their own style of Shtender.
We got standing ones. We got the ones that open up from flat to a simple angle. We have the robotic Shtenders with five positions, so people never have to bend.
So, they spent two million on the shul renovations, and everybody decided to bring in their own lawn chairs. That’s what it looks like.

Announcements never announce Shabbat times. This is why nobody shows up for Minyin when it starts. They never tell us when Rosh Chodesh is. Which isn't the worst thing. You save on Hallel and Musaf. That cuts twenty minutes off Davening. They never announce holiday times. Or even weekday Zmanim.
The announcements focus on Sadie’s new hat she bought last week.
We don’t even know who’s getting married. Or if there is a Bar Mitzvah. I forgot to wish the Kallah a Mazel Tov last week. Had no idea she got married. I thank them for not announcing it. I saved on that gift. The problem with pregnancies is it's hard to avoid not knowing.
The real problem is, our idiot members don't get Jewish calendars. The funeral home doesn't feel our membership is wealthy enough to waste their time on, by giving us calendars to mark our planned deaths in. I think that's why they give the calendars, so you can think about what day you want to die.
I hate to say it, we need a calendar committee.

The rabbi said no pictures last week. But now he allowed Simcha pictures back into the community.
Social media pictures are still annoying. So, you can only gloat and put your Simcha pictures on Instagram or Facebook. You can put them on LinkedIn as well, but you'll probably lose your job for looking like a fool.  
The rabbi came up with Simcha stipulations for pictures. And this is what the picture committee came up with. Basic rule is that if the whole family is turned sideways, it’s a legitimate Simcha picture and can be taken.
Everybody in our shul has been standing sideways now. Some even walk sideways, just in case somebody gets a good inaction shot. It’s a loophole for Mutar social media posting.
Now, some are carrying pull up retractable banners. They have pull ups with Caribbean background scenes now. Wherever they go, they have a Caribbean background. They took a picture in the mall, in front of the Apple store, with the Caribbean in the background. They were at the waterpark. Pulled out the banner. Edwin's first baseball game, they pulled out the Caribbean pull up. 
The sideways standing truly doesn't work. They all look heavier with that side shot of the heavy. And then the suits make it look worse. Portly just makes everybody look fatter. I left that out. The other stipulation is you need to be wearing a suit or an evening gown. That suit made Edwin's first baseball game, at six years old, a bit awkward.

They are now known as the Simchovitz pictures. An episode our congregation does not want to remember. The rabbi is right. Those vacation pictures are evil. They're a plague. A plague of horror to those who see it.

People didn't show to the classes this week. The topics were way too long. The congregants didn't know if those were the names of the class or if the rabbi was making a statement of anger. They also didn't know when the classes were. The announcements didn't say.

I thought I knew about Yiddishkeit. Then I ended up at a Chassidic Minyin in Miami Beach. I need to learn Yiddish. I had no idea what was going on. Here is my experience of being with my Chassidic friends at Miami Beach for the weekend, and some advice, just in case you end up at a Minyin and they count you as the eleventh. 

They Definitely Questioned My Being Jewish
They were questioning my Jewishness on Friday morning, and they were quite amazed I could read Hebrew. I looked like a Goy, sitting there with my Kippah, Tallis and Tefillin. I think the Minyin counted me as the eleventh guy. And rightfully. I don't know Yiddish.
They counted "Hosheea Et Amecha," finished the ten count of "Ad Olam," and then I heard "Nafsheynu." I believe I was Nafsheynu. First time I ever heard that.

​Learn Yiddish
I couldn't understand a word. I know Shacharit. I've been Davening my whole life. By the way, if you want to not sound like an idiot, it's Shacharis. The fact that I asked them if they were doing "Shacharit," rightfully excluded me from the Minyin.
They were Davening in Yiddish. There is no other way to explain it. There is no other way I can rationalize me not understanding the word "Barchu."

Davening is Different But the Same
That Baruch She'Amar caught me off guard. I was already at Ashrei.
It turns out they were doing a different form of Ashkenazi Davening, called Sefardi. Sefard Ashkenazi Davening. That's confusing. Sefardic Davening, but Ashkenazik. The one thing that I can tell you is they didn't sound like the guys at the Sefardic Minyin I Daven with in Israel. It sounded more like Sefardic Jews praying in Yiddish. And I've never met the Sefardic Jewish community whose ancestors hail from Medzhybizh.
​
It Takes Longer in Yiddish
Davening took longer. I was not ready for this thing they call Kavanah. I was ready to go home fifteen minutes ago. They were somehow in the middle of Shema still. The Shema prayer takes longer in Yiddish. I was not aware of that.
Show up late. That's the key. If you show up a half hour late, you'll be out on time.

Don't Judge a Jew by his Streimel
I was enamored by the Streimels. The whole Shabbis Davening, I was comparing Streimels. Trying to figure out which one costs more. With my intent focus on the Streimels some of the Chassidim thought I had Kavanah.
There are different kinds of Streimels. Some are taller, some are shorter, some are wider, some are thinner. But they are all Jews. That's a nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.
It took me a while to not judge the person based on their Streimel. And I hope that after a while of them realizing that I read Hebrew like an American Apikores, they would see me as a Jew. And I realized, I was wearing an inner Streimel, also known as my Kippah. And I was proud of my Mitnaged roots. By being a Litvak, I saved eight thousand dollars.

A Streimel with White Hair
One guy's Streimel had some white hairs in it. That was a shocker. I thought all Streimels had brown hair. Nope. After many days of long Davening and paying off the mortgage, Streimels can change color. Another guy's Streimel had thinning hair. 
My Streimel was bald. That's what I told them when they were trying to figure out if they could start Mincha on Shabbis afternoon. I told them my Streimel lost all its hair. They understood. They saw my Kippah and figured that I must a not easy home life, and my Streimel lost all its hair. And they counted me as the tenth.
And some wear them differently. There are those who wear them high. Those who wear them low. Those who wear them off to the side. And some who wear them in the snow. But they are all Jews. Another nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.

Different Songs
They are not singing the Shwekey tunes you're used to for Kedusha. They didn't make a point of trying to fit words into "Im Eshkachech" that don't work. Even so, they sing Jewish songs. I know they were Jewish songs, because they all sounded the same. As such, I became a Chassid quite quickly. And I sang that tune. Whatever that tune was.
I didn't know the tune for Shalishudis. But ​I yawned a lot of Nays. I figured that if I yawned and let out some NayNayNays I would fit right in. I got really into the singing. And then one guy turned to me and said, "That's not Yiddish. That's a Hebrew NayNayNay." 

That was a lot of Yiddish for one day. Truth is, I'm now questioning if I'm a good Jew, not knowing Yiddish. I have to learn Yiddish before I go back to Miami Beach. Prove myself. Prove my Frumnessiasity. I at least have to end my Jewish words with more s's. 
We’ll continue next time with more Yiddish. While we try to figure out what Chassidic sect settles on a beach where there are no bungalows. 
One thing I do know. The Streimels do an excellent job of keeping the sun out.

I sat with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It was a very meaningful and potent interview.

Chabad is a huge movement.
Nu.

So. What do you think about your Chasidim?
They went off the deep end.

What do you mean?
This Shluchim thing.
I sent one of them to Omaha. The guy never came back. Now, he's been in Nebraska for a good thirty-five years. He calls himself a Shaliach. Yes. I sent him. I wanted some good Nebraska steak brought back. He never came back. That's how that all started.

What's your favorite song?
I never liked “We Want Mashiach Now.” I always liked that one, “Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach.” It was easier to remember those lyrics.

I like that one too. And then it goes “Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy-yoy”
I forgot that part.

Where do you want to see the next Shluchim?
Somaliland. I always felt bad about Yemen. We still don’t have a Chabad there.

What do you think about Farbregens?
They've gone too far. I was telling my Chassidim we have to spend more time together. They all started drinking.
Now. Every time they get together, they drink. I don't think they remember a word I tell them. They're always Fabregening.

How did it start?
I told them I like Smirnoff. Truth is I like Smirnoff Ice. They heard Smirnoff. Now half of them are addicted to the stuff.

Why is it called a Farbregen?
Farbregen was a vodka two hundred years ago in Moldova. Good stuff.

Is there a Mitzvah to drink alcohol?
No. But I can't tell my Chassidim that.

Why?
I'll lose them. None of them would come to shul.
They'll start going to the clubs. If they can't get their alcohol at shul, they'll end up at the bars.

Why do you wear the hat that way, with the front of it bent all the way down?
It keeps out the sun better.
If you notice it also keeps the bugs from hitting your face.

I see. Was the Tefillin thing your idea?
No. That was Gd's idea.

Who sent out the Shluchim to put Tefillin on everybody?
Not me. I told them Tefillin are good. Next thing you know, they're putting it on people at work. The guy is working the counter at Marshalls and they're putting Tefillin on him. Customers are waiting. Do you know how many people have gotten fired for telling their bosses "the Shaliach said I have to put on Tefillin now"?!
I tried walking to the Kotel. I was attacked by one of my Chassidim. I had to convince him I was Jewish and put on Tefillin. They've got to stop harassing everybody.

They play you on TVs a lot.
Yes. I always wanted to be a star.
That was the one thing I said. "Make sure I get prime time. I want a good spot."

It's always Yiddish.
I know. I always talked in Yiddish. I figured, people like subtitles. 

Where do you rank yourself among the rabbis?
You have to ask my Chavrusa.

Why the dollar bills?
For Tzedakah. I give people money for Tzedakah. So that they can give it to charity.

Then why do all of my friends have the dollar you gave them?
They needed the money.
The dollars also work well in vending machines.

Oh. Very true. How do you see the next few years?
I hope with better deals on Lulavs and Etrogs. They prices are outrageous. When Mashiach comes you'll be able to get Etrogs on sale.

What do you hope for your Chassidim?
To calm down. They're coming up with stuff I never said. If they just understood Yiddish, they would know what I said.

You didn't say you're Mashiach? What did you say?
I'm a Mensch. Menschlich. Be Menschlich. You know, you mumble a bit when you speak Yiddish. That's how you're supposed to speak it. Maybe it came out as Mashiach. I'm not sure. All I know is I meant "Menschlich." You say that fast, it sounds like "Mashiach."

Menshlich. I see what you're saying.
Next thing I know, they're singing "Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach." I love that song. I'm getting into it. And the rest is history.

What are your thoughts on Mashiach?
If my Chassidim would just calm down, he would be here.
They're scaring him away with the Teffilin. They've got to stop attacking people with the Tefillin. They have to be a bit more subtle.
I love that Mashiach song.

What about "Yechi"?
Not as good of a tune. That's how you know I'm not the Messiah.

Do you think you did good?
Yeah. I would say so. My Chassidim make excellent choolante and potato kugel. I get a lot of Nachis from that.

What do you like being called? The Rebbe. Chabad Rebbe. Lubavitcher Rebbe. Rebbe of Lubavitch?
Rebbe of Lubavitch. Or Rebbe from Mykolaiv. Those were the best five years of my life. Not one Chassid bothered me with questions.

Conclusion
That was the Rebbe. I think. It was either the Chabad Rebbe or somebody impersonating him. He was wearing the hat just like the Rebbe.
The interview was in Yiddish. I hope I understood what the Rebbe was saying. He might have said something about all the Shluchim moving to Israel. It was in Yiddish, so I can't say.
Whatever happened, the Rebbe was a Mensch. He was very sweet. Though, he could’ve used a Tic Tac.
I truly have a different view on Chabad now. I'm going to keep the dollar. I had to make the trip to Brooklyn. I need the money. And I'm a collector.

***The interview was done with the help of Shlomo Birkan, who understands Yiddish.

Announcements
We celebrate with our Venezuelan congregants. We pray that you can leave and go back to Venezuela. You haven’t paid dues since you’ve been here. 

Golf on Sunday of your son’s Bris. That is wrong. Even if it’s nice out. 
The rabbi has put out a Psak: The first eight days after your child is born, you have to help your wife. Other than that, it is probably best you're not in the house.

We ask our Balei Tefilah to Daven faster. Some people have to get to work. It has been reported that the congregants don’t appreciate singing on a Tuesday.

Please focus on Davening and not wishing every single person a Yashkoyach. We support greeting people. We don’t feel everybody needs affirmation for being great at walking up for an Aliyah.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Did Nothing for the Venezuelan People in Halacha. How to Raise Children with Abandonment Issues and Very Bad Golfers. Davening Class Will Take Place on Tuesday. How to Talk in Shul and Wish Every Single Person a Congratulations with A Conversation That Bothers People Who Are Trying to Pray- Class Given by the Back Left of The Men's Section.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 3:3) Moshe says, "Let me turn now and see this great spectacle why the bush doesn’t burn?" 
It was a burning bush. First time you see the burning bush, it's a surprise. You've got to see the spectacle.... A burning bush that doesn't burn is spectacle. It's a burning bush but not burning... You have never seen a burning bush not burn. Stop Bernie... You turn if the burning bush is burning too. You put out the fire. Point is, you turn when you see a bush burning...
Moshe turned to it. He recognized it. He gave it time.

Later on, Moshe is used to it. He sees all the miracles. But now, he’s not letting it pass... He’s used to seeing seas split. Staff snakes. A Frog in toast is a regular occurrence...
(Shemot 3:5) That place of the miracle is holy. Don't let it pass. Turn to it. There is a reason for the spectacles in this world...
The miracle places in our life is holy. Celebrate them. When I got away from this shul last Shabbat, I celebrated that place. It was a miracle to not be with you...

Gd saw that Moshe looked, and that is when He called to him. If you don’t look. If you don't take note, there will be no holiness. If you don’t see how messed up this shul is, we won’t progress. We will not witness redemption. We will always have committees...
What great things have happened?! Nothing. Nothing at any board meeting at this shul. Nothing with the shul renovations. Nothing with our sisterhood. But we still note it all. We take minutes...

We've seen some crazy stuff in this shul. But have we given it time?... Not miracles. Spectacles. Talya pulling Allison’s hair. The wrapper on the floor. Still there. Going on three weeks. The renovation committee and the new elephant mural. Life-size?!
It's because we don't turn that there is no holiness here.
Let’s turn and give time. Let the crazy not be regular... Miracles should remain holy to us. Like when the board doesn’t mess up...

We don’t have one Venezuelan congregant. They're Argentinian. It's a miracle that our office staff doesn't understand that there is more than one country in the Southern Hemisphere. If they would turn to a map...  
I hope I don’t offend anybody by supporting the overtaking of the regime.
We support all of our congregants moving to Venezuela. None of you pay your dues... It's amazing how the Argentinians lasted so long without supporting the congregation. Almost as long as our locals, who grew up here, who haven't paid dues for around forty-five years....
We will never witness the miracle of the shul raising money, if people don't turn to dues.

It's about turning and facing what is important. What Gd puts there... H' put a family in front of you, Eric. Maybe focus on the family and not golf... What are you going to do with golf? Feel good. Who needs that?!...
I understand the weather was nice. You could've seen the nice weather with your baby... H’ didn’t tell Moshe, “You saw the bush burning. That's cool. Want to go for eighteen?”
Did you see your son’s Bris?! Did you turn to it?!... I understand. The proper thing was to turn away...

Davening is going crazy long. That is just a curse. A curse and a miracle that people still end up coming to shul.
Who sings on a Tuesday... Shabbat is different. You're allowed to have sermons too. Do I give sermons on Tuesdays?! No!!!
People work. And some play golf. And none pay dues... I can't turn to congregants during the week. I do not want to see them. I see them on Shabbis...

Part of the problem is the Yashkoyachs. The most Yashkoyach oriented shul. I've never seen people so focused on Yashkoyachs.
The guy did nothing. He walked up to the Bima and walked down. And you're congratulating him. It’s like a miracle he didn’t mess up the Aliyah... He didn't read the Torah. He just said the Bracha... No. He shouldn't be taking credit. He should be coming down from the Bima and apologizing for not putting in any effort. For not going over the Parsha...
Greet people. How about welcoming people. You're a depressed bunch. You don’t say Hi to people. I turn to you and I get depressed. That's why I now have my seat facing the ark... But when they come down from walking up to the Bima, it’s like a bro party.
You need that communal affirmation. You are the most fragile congregants. Got Mark asking everybody, “Did I pull the string right?!” No, Mark. You didn't. Not the first time. It took you three pulls and there are only two directions. And you still got a Yashkoyach...
You turn and you recognize how little these congregants do. And then you give Yashkoyachs on Tuesday...

You're a Gabai. You call up people. And then you get a Yashkoyach announcement. The Bal Koreh didn’t even get a Yashkoyach. He reads the Torah and doesn't even get a Yashkoyach. Let alone an announcement Yashkoyach. And this guy gets Mark and Pinchas' names right and he's a champ. It’s pathetic...
The Gabai even made mistakes with his Hebrew.
The Bal Koreh prepared. You just got up there... I understand, Yashkoyachs... Why did you stroke his ego for reading Hebrew with mistakes.
I turn and I see pathetic.
And great job playing golf. Well. Yashkoyach.

Note it. Wish people a Yashkoyach. Just don’t make it a whole spectacle... It’s an Aliyah. It’s not a burning bush. Calm the Gehenim down...

You turn. You bring yourself close to the miracle. You get the calling to mess up the shul...
It can only be done with humility.
(Shemot 3:19) When Gd tells Moshe to be the one to take the Jews of out Mitzrayim, Moshe says, “Who am I that I should go to Paroh, and that I should take my nation, Bnei Yisrael, out of Mitzrayim...” You’re just trying to get out of helping.
Shlomo. You have not helped in years. You didn't even volunteer for shul security... You're in bad enough shape to do it...

You first recognize the place is holy. And then, you don’t do anything... Otherwise you mess up the shul. Did Gd tell you to Daven real slow? To keep people from going to work??? Did He tell you to wish everybody a Yashkoyach.? Did Gd tell the board to make any decision?... No. Gd told the board to listen to the rabbi... Don’t take off your shoes. In shul, we don’t take off our shoes. That’s why we have a Torah SheBal Peh.
I think Gd said something about getting rid of Maduro... Well, the Venezuelans did. Maybe Venezuela is holy to Venezuelans... That’s a different burning bush.

Give the recognition to holiness. But don't belittle that holy place. Don't wish everybody a Yashkoyach. You belittle the Anim Zemirot kid who reads the Tana Dvei Eliyahu stuff in full.
Redemption is born in our recognition of Gd. The miracles... That, and you all crying all the time. And you being humble enough to recognize you are not helpful...

You have to see your calling, recognize it, and do it with humility. And circumcise your child. And Eric. You're not good at golf...

Rivka's Rundown
That took a while to educate our congregation on the importance of turning when you see a fire, and not ignoring it. 
During the week, the rabbi thought it was important to bring in a firefighter to go over fire safety. To quote, "Maybe our very out of shape volunteers will be better at putting out a fire than working security."

After Davening and complaining about the length of services, the rabbi made it clear, “It’s a miracle we got out of shul today.”
Yitzchak noted, “The rabbi’s sermon was so long.”

I don’t think our congregants see anything. There’s been a lollipop wrapper in the middle of the hallway for three weeks. They’ve all passed it. Not one of them has turned to it and picked it up.
The rabbi’s message is that you can’t do anything unless you turn. But our congregants are too out of shape to turn. That’s why they can’t do security either.

Bernie wouldn’t stop talking about his burning bush. He was convinced he saw a burning bush not burn. It turns out that he has no idea how to get a fire started. Last shul camping trip, he said he got the bonfire started. When we got there, we saw nothing. He said it was a miracle, and that it was a burning bush and it wasn't burning. Now, he thinks he's holy, because he has no survival abilities.
​
Our board and office consider everybody who is not born in Topeka to be South American. That’s it. South American. And if you're South American that means you're from Venezuela, El Salvador, Argentina, Chile, and Mexico. And they think that it's called Chile because, as they said, "The peppers are from South America." And that's our congregational understanding of the map, and dictators.

I think people start paying dues at sixty. Before that, Tzedakah doesn't exist.

The golf focus is a little much. And then they gave him a Yashkoyach for playing golf. Even at the Bris they're wishing Yashkoyachs. Not Mazel Tovs.
I've got Yashkoyach fatigue.
You have to help your wife sometimes. That is the rabbi's Psak. Rabbinic declaration. He declared this is the Halacha. The men have to help when there is a huge lifechanging family event, like having a child. They don't have to help more than once a year. He didn't even declare they had to help with holidays. He just figured that if the wife is recovering from bringing a child into the world, the husband should not leave the house for four hours to hang with his buddies.

This guy is meditating on a Tuesday?! Took just as long as Monday Davening. No Layning, and we're still there for upwards of forty minutes, on a Tuesday. Who meditates on a Tuesday?! It’s not even hump day, and he’s sleeping on the job.

I like the Yashkoyachs. It’s very communal. I wanted to make that clear. I just feel there is proper use. We shouldn't abuse Yashkoyachs.
And some do mess up pulling the string. Some try to open the curtains without the string. They pull the curtain straight. That's how you know they’ve never been to shul. And they still get a Yashkoyach.
He messed up pulling the string, and people got up, wished a Yashkoyach, and cheered. It was a like a support group for people with shul disabilities. Shul-capable people.

Our shul is full of Shul-capable people. Youth group-capable, sisterhood-capable, Gabai-capable, Bal Tefilah-capable. It's a special Davening.
It was pathetic last week when the guy got congratulated for doing a great job at calling up people to the Torah.
That was kind of weird. The Bal Koreh who prepared for twenty hours gets nothing. This guy that showed up to shul late and calls up a guy to the Torah, the president starts giving Mazel Tovs to. And then, the president, not knowing if he said the right thing, wished him Yashkoyachs.
Fact is they've belittled Yashkoyachs. I walked in on Tuesday morning. Not one "good morning." Just Yashkoyachs. Now Yashkoyach means have a good day too.

Davening class on Tuesday brought some protests from the normal people who said, "It's Tuesday. Who does a class on Tuesday."

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.

Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. 
Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. 
To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul.
The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. 

How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security.
Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me.

They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us.
CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you.
The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions."

This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions.
Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator.
Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs.
I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back."

Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people.
Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family.
If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant.
Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need.

The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad.
At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul.

I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling.
They CSF team so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us.

If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator.
Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. 

I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses.
On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker.
It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need.
And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway.

Announcements
We ask all guests to follow our shul Kaddish speed, tone and volume. Your Aveilut scares our members. They’re not used to Chicago mourners, and their loud bully Kaddish.
You are passing through for a day. You are not running our shul. We are with you in your mourning. Please be with our mourners in their Kaddish. Please join in our congregation's sadness correctly.
 
The rabbi will not be here this Shabbis. Shul will end earlier. Do not get too excited. Last time members got drunk in celebration.
Please relax in your happiness. We ask that you celebrate by leaving shul earlier.
To note: We still have Kiddish. And it will be earlier. A lot earlier. Davening goes at a normal speed, an hour and fifteen minutes faster, without our rabbi.
 
The shul New Year’s party will take place on Rosh Hashana. The program committee decided that hanging out with shul members is a New Year’s buzz killer.
 
Last week, Zalmy did the full pre-Anim Zemirot Tefillahs. The first kid to ever read the silent stuff himself. The congregation is proud of you. Please never do that again. We want to get out of shul.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Techniques in Taking Over a Minyin with Your Kaddish- Lessons from Our Guest Last Week. Importance of Long Minyins to Keep Congregants Out. The Blessing of a New Year Not Celebrated with Congregants- A New Year's Party Without Our Members. How To Give Your Kid More TV Time So They Don't Read All the Tefillahs and Slow Down Davening.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
I understand the Gabai is reading the sermon this week. I'm not here... Slow him down. If he reads the sermon like he Davens, nobody will understand a word...

You think I know what Yaakov said to them? I don’t understand that. Those words didn’t make it into modern Hebrew. “Sreikah”? No idea. I don’t even understand the English.
(Bereishit 49:9) “He binds his foal to a vine, and to a tendril his young donkey. His garment with wine, and with the blood of grapes binds his raiment.” Somehow, that has to do with Yehuda. What’s he doing to his garments with wine? Staining them?!... If “raiment” means clothes, then say it!!! How am I expected to give a sermon about something I can’t understand?!

There is stuff we don’t know. But it doesn’t stop us from learning... It stops Moshe and Michael Yaakov, and Shloimi from learning, because they like to waste time. But it doesn’t stop good Jews from learning. And it never stopped our board from doing something dumb...
I don’t know if the sons understood what Yaakov said to them at the end. I do know they were questioning if their father was blessing them or cursing them. Were they Brachas or Klalahs? Very confusing... You can't not be there when your father calls you and he is about to pass away and curse you. Might be blessings. He might have blessed them...

You all make it hard. You just have to know that Yaakov was not proud of Shimon and Levi. They saved the family, stuck up for their sister, and they got blamed for it their whole life by their father. And I have to pretend like I'm proud of the shul's geriatric crime fighting security force... The only thing you have kept out are members... Yaakov was happier with Yehuda, who sold Yosef...
Some is a Bracha in life. Some is not. But you don’t let not understanding what is going to be keep you from doing the right thing.

Don't overtake a Kaddish. If you don’t know how the shul does Kaddish, you hold back.
You all noticed how the guy took over last week. Random guy passing through, all the sudden, "Where the Gehenim did he come from?"... I'm not saying his family member went to Gehenim.
The guy took over. Not a member. Loud as anything. A Kaddish tune I never heard in my life. I think the tune was "loud." It was either "loud" or "I'm the only one whose mourning counts in the US"... First time. Passing through. You follow the Kaddish... You don’t go to another shul and be loud the Kaddish guy. You're Sefardi. We’re an Ashkenazi shul Fatim. We are not switching to Sefardi Kaddishes. You're a guest. Do what we do... You’re a selfish mourner.
We want unified mourning... If you look at our congregants, you will notice unified depression... Be in unison with them. Have you heard them? They sound bad as it is. None of them are helping anybody. Even the deceased. It's just that we want to maintain a decorum of depressed people... It's a very depressing Kaddish. I understand Fatim. We're Ashkenazim. Our congregants mourn everything. Including death...
They come to our shul for a Minyin and they take over like they're running the place with their Kaddish... That other guy shocked me last week.
If you ask members of our shul what scares them the most. It's not public speaking. It's not death. It's a guy from Chicago saying Kaddish...
You will be a shul with random scary mourners passing through...

I see more of you showed this Shabbis. I still made sure to have a sermon... I understand I'm not at the shul. And I know you are all excited getting out a half hour early. Shema will be back to normal next week. You will wait for me as always. I will also extend my Amidah to make up for lost waiting...
You will be a congregation of people who have a very long Shabbat morning Shacharit. Of upwards of two hours and forty-five minutes...

Be there for the occasion... You celebrate on Rosh Hashana... Because that's when the New Year starts, Fran. The New Year is called 2026-27. That’s how we count years. It's not 2026. It's 2026-27... 
It’s not fun partying with shul members. I’ve partied at Bar Mitzvahs with you. You can't even get the middle circle one hand hold kick right... 
Right now, we are celebrating 2025-26. That is the year. We're in in the middle of it. Your resolutions can wait nine months...
You will be a congregation of annoying members who are a bunch of heretics. Your oaths will be in of vain, inopportune times. An annoying membership...

The Anim Zemirot kid did all of the post Ein Kelokeinu stuff. First time ever the kid read it all. And that goes to show that our day school is doing a very bad at teaching our children to read Hebrew. That was so slow...
It was amazing. I was happy. It only added an extra six minutes to Davening... It's beautiful. You don't understand it, and you make the congregation wait.
You will be a people who waits for its children, and its rabbi, to finish Davening...

Not knowing what will be, they still show up...
(Bereishit 49:1) Yaakov gathers his sons and tells them he is going to tell them “what will happen at the end of days.” That's how you get a crowd.
Rashi teaches that he was going to reveal “the End, but the Shechinah was removed from him.” So, he said other stuff. (Pesachim 56a). That's a nice way of saying he forgot. Yaakov had an audience and he had to keep going. He had an attentive crowd. He had to say something. So, he started going off on Shimon and Levi. And now, I am left with congregants who have no idea what’s going on. No idea what will happen. Just really dumb ideas for renovations...
Bernie. Stop. You're wrong...

We don't always understand. At the end, not everything happens. There was no Kugel at Kiddish last week. But that doesn’t stop us. You go on.
Sometimes, we have to improvise, like Yaakov...

I want to tell you what is going to happen with the shul this year... Shoot. I forgot...
You can forget what you’re going to say, but you go on.

In the end. At the end of days, we understand. We can understand about Yehuda’s raiment.
That is what Yaakov was saying. Live your lives. Just don’t mess up like our congregants. And if you don’t have a board, things will make sense at the end... The lesson? In the meantime, don’t be idiots. Don’t think that you will ever get out of shul this early again. And where is that Anim Zemirot kid’s parents?! Tell them to educate him right and to stop him reading the whole thing. He should learn how to Daven right and skip some of those Shir Shel Yom prayers... You don't want everybody to hate him like the Chazin.
Don't let your inability to understand stuff. Don't let yourself being dumb stop you this year. Don't let not knowing what to do stop you from doing it. It never stopped the board.
He is saying. At the end. You have to be you. And I have to deal with that...
Enjoy 2026-27.

No matter what. Whether you want to be there or not. Whether you understand or you don't. Whether you have tendrils or raiment. Be there. At the end, you have to be there...
Be there and do the right thing. I have to tell you guys to do the right thing, or you'll get another chandelier for the sanctuary. Don't be like our congregants who ruin a good New Year's party. Or like our guests who ruin a good Kaddish. Our shul has a good tune. A good pace...

The children of this shul do not bring Bracha. Maybe the next generation will be decent...
Sometimes there will be a Bracha. A year of Bracha. And Yaakov did give a Bracha. We do know that the Efraim and Menashe got a blessing. He liked his grandkids...

Rivka's Rundown
"Don't let you not knowing what you're doing stop you"??? Why did the rabbi empower the board like that?!

The Gabai got through the sermon in three minutes. He speed read it. It's amazing how everybody paid attention.
It’s amazing how our rabbi knows what we're thinking. He can be not here and not even give a sermon, and he's giving a sermon and responding to what we're saying.
The rabbi gave a sermon and he had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t stop Yaakov and it never stops our rabbi.

I believe we just saw the rabbi work through an existential crisis. At the beginning of the sermon, the rabbi was having a rabbinical crisis. He was stuck with stuff he didn’t understand. But then he triumphantly turned his inability to understand Torah as a rabbi, into a lesson. That’s what makes our rabbi great. He won't stop his sermon, even if he has no idea what he's talking about.

The rabbi blamed the security team for the lower membership numbers this past year. He is starting to blame those guys for everything. Volunteering is truly not worth it.

This was the first time our rabbi told off a guest. The whole congregation was relieved. Rachel was so happy. She shouted, "It's not just us. He's mad at all Jews."
We have too many selfish mourners.
I am going to start standing up to these Kaddish bullies. These guys come and take over. They think every shul is theirs. They’re a member of a shul in Chicago and now they can control Kaddish everywhere. Like all shuls are controlled by Skokie. Skokie people are scary.
It's a Chutzpah to come to a shul and take over like that. Selfish mourners. Thinking about their loved ones who passed away.

Rabbi wasn't here. Davening only took an hour and forty minutes. Everybody was out a half hour earlier. And that's how Hashkama Minyins start. The people realize things go much faster without a rabbi, and they start to think not having a rabbi is a pretty good idea.
Like usual, most of the people showed up at 11am and were shocked to see we were already at Kiddish. Some were even mad. Like it’s a Chutzpah we Daven on time. Davening starts at 9am. They show up at 11am. They get mad when the people who pray don't have to be there for an extra hour waiting for them to show. They want the people who show up on time to feel the pain of serving Gd.

So, as Jews, we celebrate New Year's with circle dancing and a very complicated way of saying the years. Celebrating 2025-26. The rabbi makes everything complicated. Even the year.
That New Year’s 2026-27 idea is messed up. Let us just say we don't celebrate. I think we can accept that we don’t have cool congregants who want to go out and drink.  Some do, but not with other members. Friday night Oneg is the extent of our partying together. Somebody opens a bottle of schnapps and we don't have to pay, that's how we party.
The rabbi ended up writing everybody to wish them a Happy 5786. For some reason, I can't remember the years since creation. The two thousand or so years is hard enough. Adding another thirty-seven hundred is too much for me focus on. I can’t remember it. I'll stick with the 2026-27 idea, even if I have to wait another nine months to wish people a good year.

The rabbi's message to Zalmy about his Anim Zemirot was a bit confusing. "Go slow, but don't go slow."
Supporting Zalmy saying the words to the prayers. That’s too much. Total pain. Almost as bad as a long sermon. We have to sit and watch this?! It's like watching childhood education fail.
The rabbi has no problem staying in shul for hours. He’s talking. It’s good times for him. Yet, he did take into account the congregants. I guess he feels that if it's not him talking, the rest of the services should move fast. It turns out, the rabbi is now adding six minutes to his speeches. I think that's why the end of his sermon turned that message around on Zalmy, telling him to go faster. It's like when they raise the price on milk, it never goes back down.

The class on Taking over Minyin with Kaddish was interesting. We learned to be loud. It was a kind of shul self-defense class. The rabbi insisted the security team be present at the class, to learn how to protect our shul. In the class, the rabbi made it clear that the security protected nobody from the scary guy from Chicago, mourning. Scariest morning I experienced in this shul.

Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
 
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review.

To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time.
Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening.
 
Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea.

Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. 
 
Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist.
It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that.
 
We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks.
 
Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven.
 
Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. 
So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community.
During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam.
For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes.
 
JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible.
 
My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete.

Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea.
 
Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team.
Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence.
The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain."
Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. 
If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe.

On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that.
That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain.
That was almost positive.

"I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens.
 
Something positive happened. It will come to me.
 
It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew.
 
Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos.
Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too.
 
Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters.
Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains.
Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel.

The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel.
 
Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar.
Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you.

The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime.

Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long.
(I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.)
 
Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too.
 
That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out.

Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives.

I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

Announcements
The renovations committee has decided that the shul will get AstroTurf for the sanctuary as many stadiums now use it. The head of the committee said, "It's used in the place of grass. Why should it not be used instead of carpet?!"
 
We’re asking our congregants to participate in the Davening. It's been reported that our shul is very depressing, by the people who are depressing. Please greet people. Please smile. And please help with the singing in Davening. Make our shul less depressing by you not depressing everybody.

Musaf’s repetition tune was messed up on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah because nobody finished off the Kedusha "Halleluka" with the tune to lead the Chazin.
You have a job as congregants. And sometimes that might mean helping with the tune of Al HaNisim throughout a holiday, for every prayer.
 
We put in a petition to our Christian neighbors to give us more than Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song over their six months of Christmas.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Angry and Depressed in Shul- A Day with Our Members. How to Be a Congregant- A Class with Guest Speakers from Other Shuls. How to Fit the Words of Every Prayer into Al Hanisim- A Course in Jewish Music. Jewish Identity Found in Santa's Lap at the Mall.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yosef sends his brothers to Israel to bring the whole family to Mitzryaim... Why not? It's winter. It's a bit warmer than Israel. Why should the family not go down for a visit?
Yosef makes sure to take care of his brothers. (Bereishit 45:21-23) He sends them with changes of clothes, all the good stuff from Egypt for Yaakov and donkeys and wagons and food. Last time I went down to Florida, I had to pack my own sandwich. Not one member of this shul packed a lunch for their rabbi. Not even a corned beef on club... I like club. And a little mayonnaise. I'm not a corned beef on rye guy... It’s care. It’s concern...
I have no idea what the good stuff in Mitzrayim was. It could've been Hashish.

(Bereishit 45:24) Yosef sends his brothers and he says, “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” “Don’t become agitated on the way.” When he sends them, it’s not the stuff, it’s the focus. The safety of the way. Have you ever traveled with my wife?!...
It was the way that Yosef cared. Sent them on the mission. More importantly. He and Paroh made sure they had everything. And more important than that, it was the peace of mind. You can't travel. You can't do your mission right when you have congregants that are so annoying. They get under your skin with their stupidity... AstroTurf???!!!!! How can I focus on being a rabbi with AstroTurf?! Am I supposed to slide into the Bima?! Is the Gabai going to tackle me?!...
And what do you need most? Peace of mind. “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” You can have everything. But the wrong focus. People like Bernie, will throw you off...

Rashi gives three explanations for "not becoming agitated" and not dealing with congregants. Just thought you might want to know... Don’t discuss Halacha... Ever seen a Chavrusa. Yelling at each other. A lot of fighting about Rava. Even worse. Ever fielded a question from one of our members?! I never knew I would have to field questions about artificial grass. Don’t rush. Stop properly on the journey... A bathroom break. Yosef is telling them to take bathroom breaks, Fishel. And now I am agitated. How this is a Halachik question. And don’t fight about who is to blame for selling Yosef... I don’t know which one Yosef meant. He might have wanted to think they would fight on the way. The same way Ruchel wants to know that we appreciate her Tzimis...

When you send someone on a mission. When people are traveling, you think about them. “Don’t become agitated on the way.” You have that responsibility to support them. Don't give them the mission to be the rabbi and then ask him to deal with a membership who harmonizes... It's annoying. Kills my Davening every day. I'm hearing a ringing in my ear right now.
Now is not the time to think about where you went wrong. How you ended up in Topeka.
The individual has to focus on the mission. The other people have to support them correctly. Let your rabbi do his job and don't do stupid stuff. Don't be a board member...

The renovations committee needs to know they are fools. We have to support them in that way... Artificial turf?!! We have not one athlete in this shul...
How will it save people time in shul? Who in Gehenim mows carpets?!... You don’t mow the lawn in front of the shul anyways. 
And now we have to get down on AstroTurf on Yom Kippur?!...

The Chazin needs our support... The Tefillah is out loud. There is singing. You are expected to not be a bunch of depressing congregants... Yes. You are supposed to join in the singing. Rebecca has no problem harmonizing. Sounds awful...
You don’t even pay dues. How can you expect the Chazin to Daven for you...
He needed support. He needed the Hallelulaka at the end of Musaf Kedusha to get the tune right...

This is agitating. Hold on. You’re the Chazin. You have to be able to figure it out yourself... You think anybody can depend on our congregants?! Have you seen the dues? Can’t even depend on them to be congregants... They’re members but they’re not... If you haven’t paid your dues, you’re not members. You're people who take Kichel at Kiddish every week and don't pay... At least help the Chazin out with moving into the Musaf Kedusha. That’s your job as a congregant. And to pay your dues. And to make sure your rabbi gets a raise... You're congregants. You're still agitating. 
Couldn't even figure out the Al Hanisim tune for Kedusha. How can you be our Chazin. Getting a new one... Always messes up his mission... Well. We need a Chazin who can look at our congregation and say, "These people are very not helpful"...
You should be singing Al Hanisim eight days straight. That is how you celebrate Chanukah...

Tirgzu also means to become angry. “Don't become angry.” When others have a holiday. Don’t become agitated... I have spoken to the pastors about their celebrating Christmas months before their holiday starts. 
Their Christmas in downtown Topeka lasts from Shavuot to Purim. We have eight holidays in the time they celebrate one... 
Chanukah and they're wearing Christmas hats already. Can't give us the week. Eight days. That's all we want. I told them. They’ve taken over the radio with Christmas songs since July. It's not fair. Give us a song... They play those songs on the radio all year. That Mariah Carey and Bruce Springsteen... One Chanukah song is all we have. We have one song. "I Had a Little Dreidel"... And Al Hanisim. Correct... Maybe a Jew could support his people and focus on writing a Chanukah song for once... Always writing Christmas songs. I have a feeling a Catholic wrote "I Had a Little Dreidel"... You might have a little Dreidel. I had one. That's how I sing the song...

(Bereishit 45:19-21) Paroh tells Yosef that he should tell his brothers to take from the best of Egypt. And they do that. Why not?! Enjoy. If I told you to take from the best of the shul. You would be stuck in a long drown out conversation with Chana about turf.
Yosef though, focused on their journey. Yosef would’ve packed up a bunch of corned beef sandwiches for his brothers. The best corned beef. The fatty stuff... They didn’t have corned beef back then. Bernie. It's hyperbole, Bernie. Hope...
We all have a mission. We're all on a journey in this world. Don't take Bernie along. He will throw you off.  You take my wife. Next thing you know, you're shopping for Chanukah tinsels... 
But more than that. We have a requirement to not mess up other people's missions. Let me enjoy my vacation down in Florida this year, for crying out loud. Let me have some peace of mind. A week with no Christmas songs, and no renovation ideas dealing with AstroTurf. Idiots...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was hoping somebody would put together a corned beef on club for his next trip. Always hinting to stuff. He went off for three minutes on how he likes his sandwiches. Why lettuce with a touch of dill made it into the sermon this week is a question I still ask.

"Don't be a board member." Some of the most profound words from our rabbi. Best Musar, rebuke, our rabbi has ever given.

The Renovations committee felt it was important to get artificial turf because they had extra money. To quote the committee chair, “We have money. I think.”
They said the shul is like the Astrodome, as the sanctuary has a ceiling. That was their thought.

I agree. A Chazin should be able to do every Tefillah to Al HaNisim. That is how we’re going to start checking who's allowed to lead us in services.
They're depressing. Our shul’s members bring a feeling of sadness to Chanukah.
The rabbi later explained the responsibility of congregants. Which is something they pay for. You pay to help the Chazin. That's what a member does. He also let people know that they have to be ready to sing the Al HaNisim tune at least a hundred forty times over the course of Chanukah.
That's the requirement of a Jew. Payment. And then to sing Al Hanisim all hundred forty times with a smile.

The rabbi did make it clear that the congregants have bad voices. Nonetheless, they need to be part of the services. Which is why things sound very bad. Truth is I don't know if them singing will help the Chazin. It hurts me.

Our kids sat on Santa for Chanukah. That’s what the mall gave us as Jews for Chanukah. They allowed our children to enjoy Santa too.
I couldn't get one "Happy Hanukah" this year. Not even a Hanukah on Chanukah. It's Chanukah and they’re already celebrating Christmas. which isn’t even happening. So, for Chanukah, Santa wished us a Merry Christmas.
I'm just amazed at how much they celebrate Christmas in our town. No Jewish neighbor of mine is celebrating any Jewish holiday longer than they have to. Chanukah. We are not giving people more gifts. The fact they have to get eight gifts they don't want already is painful. We’re not singing Al Hanisim till Purim. Pesach. We are looking to get out of there. The holiday is over. We're not singing those songs anymore. Maybe Kel Bnei. Because it’s amazing.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..

People really hate Jews. They hate us everywhere. I'm not just saying that. I've been to shul. The membership there doesn't even like each other.
After watching the news this week, it seems they are coming up with more reasons to hate us. I didn't know that was possible. At this point, is it necessary? They have so many reasons already.  
They’ve kicked us out of their countries because we were successful. They kicked us out of their countries because we were poor. They massacred us in their countries. Yet, they are still coming up with more reason to kick us out of their countries.
Here are some new reasons I found out this past week to hate Jews. And some older restored reasons to hate Jews that they forgot about for a few years.

We have all the money. Somebody told me Nick Cannon said this. So, there is truth to it. Wild N' Out is not just an improv rap show. It's a place to get a sense of the economic makeup of American society. Nick Cannon was hired by Jewish people at some point, and they must have had money. It doesn't take much to deduce that Jews have all the money, if you have money they used to pay you.
Turns out Bill Gates is Jewish. He has money. I just deduced that.

We have somebody involved in politics. We run that too. I deduced that too.

They've been listening to the news. And the news says to hate Jews. And now they trust the media. The forecast guy can't get one thing right. But he knows the Jews are murderers.
And the Jews run the news. The Jews want people to hate them.

We got attacked. They hate us because they attacked us.
We defend ourselves. They hate us more.
We say it's wrong to kill the Jews. They hate us even more. And they want to kill us.

Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson said to hate us. I believe there is a shared quote, "We are mad at Ben Shapiro, so you should hate Jews." And because they are mad at Ben Shapiro, the Jews ran the slave trade. They were the sole owners of all slaves. And they drink the blood of everybody.
And Tucker Carlson has not yet met a Jihadi Jew. Which means that Jews are racist. And we are not doing our part in globalizing the Intifada.

The blood libels weren't enough. Candace is coming up with new ones. Like the Gemara runs the banks. And now she is monetizing the blood libels. I heard from a confidant that Candace Owens is producing a horror film starring Jewish vampires who are looking for the Kosher blood of Catholic babies. Mel Gibson has agreed to a cameo. I heard but I didn't really hear. But I did hear. If you know. She is also looking for Mashgichim to give their blessing to the blood, for Kosher certification.

​Jews are not good enough friends. As described by Megyn Kelly, good friends take up their friends' lies, and they don't argue with them when it comes to hating the Jews. And Tucker Carlson made it clear that Ben Shapiro is not one of those good friends. Which is why you should hate Jews.
I personally am Jewish, and I have missed some birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese. Which is why everybody on my little league baseball team, The Carriage Cleaners, now hates Jews.

Shanon Sharpe and his buddy, Ochocinco, said that the Jews are running everything. Nightcap is the podcast people get their information on football players from the nineties, how to be unfaithful to your partner, and in-depth political analysis on how Jews run the world. Which consists of, "Jews run the world." "I know they do." "Exactly. Everything." "The information is right there. We have the receipts." I believe that's how they proved that. 
I found out the Jews are not running their show. Which is why they hate Jews. It turns out the Jews run everything in the world, but NIghtcap. Nightcap is the only thing they don't run.
Nick Cannon doesn't know the Jews run the world. He just thinks they have all the money. That's because he hasn't watched Nightcap, and doesn't know about the Beastie Boys. Who, as everybody knows, run the world of rap. I just deduced that.

We run businesses. Unfortunately, many of them are profitable.

We've acknowledged people who say they hate us. The people who hate us hate that. Using the word anti-Semite to define an anti-Semite really gets an anti-Semite mad.
You can't use the word "antisemitism" anymore, unless if it's against the Arabs. The people of Gaza have claimed that, along with "genocide." Which I now realize I have been misinterpreting. Genocide, in modern dialect, means to protect oneself. Which the Jews are guilty of perpetrating.
Jews defending themselves causes a lot of hatred. And on top of that, to claim that the Holocaust was a genocide, that is retroactive cultural misappropriation.

Kanye West doesn't hate the Jews anymore. At least as of yesterday. That's a reason to hate us. I don't think I understand one thought of his. I am questioning if I should hate myself now.
​I heard Kanye West apologized to the Jews. Biggest mistake of his career. Now he lost all his fans to Dave Chappelle. And now people hate the Jews and Kanye West.

We pulled out of Gaza. They wanted us to leave, we pulled back. Now they hate us because we listened.
Hamas kills their own civilians. They're fine with their own people dying. And that is Israel's fault. They hate us because Hamas did... I truly do not understand any of this. And I still don't get how these people have money, when we have all of it. I am not good at deducing everything.

The fact is we ruined the post October Seventh celebration they were all having. That was rude. And they hate us.

They worked so hard hating us. You put so much effort into something, you want to see the fruits of your labor.
I hope I’m not giving them more ideas.

America. We live there. They hate that.

The Intifada is being globalized. That's our fault. It would've been done already if we were Hamas.

They teach it at the universities. So, it must be true. 

​Qatar has a lot of money. So, they hate us. And Qatar is Jewish. I deduced that as well.

We killed terrorists. Israel has taken out people who are trying to kill Israelis. Dave Chappelle has a problem with that. And thus, because he only shares facts in his show, it is true, and you should hate Jews.

​​Those are the new reasons to hate Jews this week. We shall see what those wacky Jew haters come up with next week. 

Postscript
To note, there are a lot of people who love Jews, because they know we have all the money. I deduced that. You see. I'll explain. If somebody has all the money, you want to be friends with them. This way, they can share it with you. The only problem is that, because of Ben Shapiro, Jews aren't good friends. 

Announcements
Marcie got no gifts this Chanukah, and she is happy. She asks that nobody gives her anything. She’s sponsoring Kiddish. To quote: “Kiddish this Shabbat is in honor of not getting anything I didn’t want. I’m so happy nobody thought of me this holiday.” Marcie also wants everybody to know, "I didn’t need any new winter accessories with Chanukah images that I wouldn't have worn on Chanukah. And that means I now don’t have to shop for people, for stuff they didn’t ask for.”
 
We want to thank our funeral director, Mark, for showing up to the shul Chanukah party, just in case somebody from our shul dies too. We love having Mark at our services. We understand that other shuls also have a good chance of people passing away at services.
 
The eighth night of Chanukah we will have a memorial service for our Jewish brethren in Australia. We ask Bernie and Marty not come.
 
Note to Our Baal Tefillah this Chanukah: You don’t have to do every Shabbat Tefillah to the tune of Al HaNisim.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Somebody’s Holiday with a Sale You Found at Five Below. Chesed Shel Emet- A Reason to Show to Shul. Chesed Shel Emet Part Two- The Financial Benefit of Caring for Our Loved Ones. When You Shouldn't be Present- People Who Are Not Comforting to See Like Bernie and Marty. How to Fit All of the Words of the Repetition of the Amidah to the Tune of Al HaNisim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The famine starts... It wasn’t the shul Chanukah party, where the sisterhood didn’t make enough Latkes...
(Bereishit 42:1) Yaakov sees there is food in Mitzrayim and tells his sons to g. And then he asks his sons, “Why do you make yourselves be seen?” Seemingly not much to do with the going down to Egypt. Just, "Why are you wearing your baseball caps off to the side?"... It's annoying. And I would appreciate it if your kids stopped doing that. It's not cute. It's annoying...
"Why are you making yourselves conspicuous?" That is the question. And I ask that of our congregants who harmonize so off-tune. Tone-deaf... Yes. That is offensive to deaf people. I'm sorry for comparing you to these people with awful voices, Kimberly. Our deaf congregants sing much better than you... Kimberly. Please sit. I appreciate your support of that last statement. They do sound awful... Benjamin signs it and he sounds better than the rest of the conversation. At least his harmonizing doesn't ruin the song...

When you have it better than others, don’t show that to them. Don't be a Baal Gayva. Be on the people’s level.
Rashi quotes Taanit 10b, “Why do you make yourselves seen before the children of Yishmael and Esav as if you have plenty?!” For this kind of behavior, will lead to envy and ill will.
Now. I know nobody in this shul has anything to show off. I've seen your homes. You all have it very bad. I see your lawns. It’s depressing... Your lawn only looks good now because of the snow...

"I understand they were running out of food too. But don’t show them you are OK." Sometimes you have to look bad too. Like one of our congregants...
Your harmonizing is not showing off. It's just offensive.
When you have the big house, people will hate you... You go to New York. New Jersey. Everybody has to show off what they have. Yaakov asks, “Why do you make yourself conspicuous?!”
Truth is the statement has nothing to do with going to get provisions. The Jewish way is one of modesty... I know it’s not. But it is.

Jews should not show off... Why? Because Yaakov says it. Do I need more proof?! How much proof does this congregation need for every little thing... It's my parking spot, because it says "Rabbi's spot"...

I see little Samantha showing off her Chanukah gifts. That’s not what Jews do. Unless if it’s one of those electric ride-ons. You get one of those, you show it off to everybody. And you don’t share... Because those are awesome.

Being seen is not always good, especially when it’s our shul. We all saw what happened in the inter-shul basketball league... There’s a reason our shul sticks to Davening...

Of course Marcie is happy not being noticed. She didn’t get any gifts.  
She has nothing to show off. She doesn’t have to thank people for giving her something she didn’t want... You’re going to flaunt a new scarf with Dreidels on it?!... For some reason, I will not be wearing my gifts.
I got gifts and I am disappointed. Marcie is happy and she doesn't have to worry about people being offended that she didn't give them anything they didn't ask for... A gift is something I made a point of not buying. 
I had to write thank yous... Because I didn’t give them gifts. It’s either a gift or a thank you for something I didn’t want...
Money. That makes sense. The one time to flaunt money is when giving a gift...

What has Mark ever flaunted, other than his Lincoln Navigator... It’s a hearse.
A little respect for Mark. He’s a great funeral director. He shows to all the shuls, because he understands that you go to shul for business. You’ve got to drum it up. Our shul is not the only synagogue where people die... Of course he spends his time talking to the old people...

Marty. You ruined the Chanukah party last week. Nobody thought that could be done. But you made it worse than the sisterhood... Showing off your ability to down whiskey in front of the families...
Marty seen at an event makes it bad.

I am sorry for Shlomo’s Kabalat Shabbat. There is no Chanukah tune other than Al HaNisim or the lighting songs... Lecha Dodi to Al HaNisim... You did Kedusha to Al HaNisim too. We need another Chanukah song... I know you tried changing it up, but you got caught at Lo Teyvoshi and right back to Al HaNisim.
You didn’t show off your ability to sing. Or to pick tunes. Very modest. Nobody is jealous of your singing... They were bothered by it... 
You only do the lighting songs for lighting. Because it's Mutar to do Chanukah carols around the Menorah...

There are times to be seen, and that is when you need to be with the people.
Show up to the memorial service, you selfish pieces of... You don't show off at memorial services.
Marty and Bernie should not be seen... Bernie. They said "thank you for coming" right when you got there, because they wanted you to leave. It was like they were saying, "Thank you for coming. Now please go."
You have to join. But you have to sometimes not let yourself be known. Be part of the people...

My grandmother would say, “Don’t let them know how much money you have.” She always looked good. Made herself up. She was sick as anything. Nobody ever knew. She always had jet black hair. She was born with jet black hair and she went to Olam Haba with jet black hair... She could've been two-hundred. Jet black hair...
It was always status quo. Going on a vacation. Status quo. Going to shul. Status quo. Going to get a heart transplant. Status quo... Don't bring attention to yourself. Only to your hair...
You join in the community struggles and care for others. The point is don’t show your selfishness, and you might end up being a good person... I know you're selfish. If you cared about us, you wouldn't sing. Please just don't sing... We have enough troubles.
Keep your struggles to yourself. Don’t ruin Kabbalat Shabbat for us with your inability to figure out how to fit Al HaNisim to a Tefillah. Don’t share your messed up family pictures from your vacation
Don’t buy your messed up gifts that you had to find on sale because you’re poor...

I am saying to be humble... Not when you give gifts...

"Why do you make yourself be seen?" "Titrau." With an Aleph.
"Titrau" with an Ayin means "make yourselves bad." The Torah doesn’t say that. Yaakov's children were not part of the Markowitz family. The Torah writes it with an Aleph. Even so, we can learn something... If you listened, you could learn something...
We can learn that when you make yourself be seen, you make yourself bad.
​Being seen. A desire to be seen. To show off. That makes yourself bad. "Titrau" with an Ayin...
I request you don't sing.
Were Yaakov's sons singing? I don't know. Maybe they were wearing nice clothes, showing they had a lot of food, and harmonizing in front of the Yishmaelim. Maybe it's your harmonizing. That is where antisemitism is from...

The reason nonJews hate our congregants is pure hatred. Nothing to do with money... You drive disgusting cars. You have nothing to show... You can't show off a KIA.
Sharing Latkes with them would not help the situation. There are not enough Latkes to share. And the sisterhood did a very bad job with them... They would hate us for bad food.
Our shul is not gloating with Latkes.

If you're going to give a gift, make it money...
Gifts are Asur because of Maarat Ayin. You see the package. You see the bad. You think it's going to be good. Then you open it and notice that Bracha found a sale... 

Rivka's Rundown
Definitely not enough Latkes at the party. Crazy amounts of Sufganiahs, and nobody eats them. Maybe there were very few Sufganiahs, but nobody eats them. I can't tell you.
One person ate the Sufganiahs and said they make you fat. So, nobody else ate them. After looking around, I just assumed that every member in the shul was eating them all year.

The deaf congregants thanked the rabbi for letting the hearing congregants know how much better the deaf members sound than them. One deaf congregant said, "It's so painful. Every time they sing my hearing aid starts buzzing."

The sisterhood truly didn’t make enough Latkes. I have a feeling they were taking Yaakov’s lesson to heart and making sure nobody had anything. They had nothing to show for. Just people asking why there were no Latkes at a Chanukah party.
The rabbi gave a class on how Latkes started with the Chashmonaim, who created french fries. He didn't have sources. But he had a lot of intuition. I believe he said it was Ruach HaKodesh. He's been using the spirit of holiness to explain a lot of Jewish history and our traditions the past few weeks. I think he just got sick of looking up the sources. He was using the statement, "We learn this from Chazal." But he stopped using that when people asked him where that source of the rabbis was. 
Now that people have found a way to argue with the source of Chazal, he's went to Ruach HaKodesh.

We got killed in the Chanukah basketball tournament. I have a feeling our shul is more religious. It seems like these other shuls keep in shape.

We need another Chanukah song. These guys think that every Tefillah works with Al HaNisim. I must have sung Al HaNisim in seventy different forms this past week.

Gifts are a pain. The rabbi suggested we get rid of the idea of gifts on Chanukah. To quote, "To bring joy to Chanukah, you give nobody a gift."
The rabbi truly wants more gifts. Just in the form of money. He noticed that nobody was catching that message, so he banned gifts.
By Sunday, the rabbi realized you can't get away without gifts on Chanukah, because the malls have Santa. How Santa is now affecting Chanukah gifts is something the rabbi explained based on Ruach HaKodesh. So, the rabbi started a Chanukah gift registry business for next year. He said that if you get people stuff they can't afford, it's appreciated. So now, for Chanukah you have to buy people dishwashers and fridges.

Mark pops in every few months just in case the old members forget he can do their funeral.

I am happy the rabbi finally called out the selfish Jews who just take. It’s the same people that take all the Kichel at Kiddish. They take the Kichel and flaunt their plate.

I am happy our community is finally coming together for our nation.
At least a quarter of the community showed up. The others didn’t show for religious reasons. They said Ruach HaKodesh told them they didn't have to go to the memorial service.
I think the rabbi has to define who's allowed to use Ruach HaKodesh. Me and my husband went for a movie and we came back to find the babysitter had her friends over at our house. She said that Ruach HaKodesh said she should eat our leftovers with her friends, and pay her by the hour.

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
​
A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.

Laws 1-4: Everything is made up of four things and then they die. That is science. Why I needed a whole year of high school chemistry to learn that is an anomaly.

Law 1: Everything comes from fire, wind, water and earth. Everything is formed from that. If you saw Captain Planet, you would know the fifth element is heart. And that is how you save the world. The Rambam didn't have sources like TBS. Just the Gemara. Which is why his facts may not have been a hundred percent correct.
 
Law 2: Fire and wind go up, and earth and water go down. Fire is hottest and dry earth is coldest. Fire is the lightest and earth is the heaviest. These four are the foundations of everything. That all makes sense, until it's in a plane. Modern technology can complicate the study of Torah a bit.
Everything has different extrapolations of these four, forming different beings and objects. ​And this explains how mermaids exist. This explains counterfeit coins. 
I studied ancient science. Ask me any question of any object and I can tell you the amount of what element is in it. "A cup full of water?" That is made up of a lot of water.
The four main elements combine. And they combine in different ways to make different beings. There are some people who just don’t look right. How too much wind can make for huge ears that don't match a face is a study in itself.
Some things have more fire, which is why they are warmer. Whereas stones are dry because they have a lot of earth. In some beings you'll see more cold. Like my ex.

Law 3: Everything, even gold and rubies, split back to the original values, and separates back to fire, wind, water and earth. To its foundations. 
So, is it really worth it to invest in gold? Is Mark Levin to be trusted in this case?

Law 4: Then why say by man that "to dust you will return." Because most of what he is made of is dust. Everything returns to its original source. Except for my sunglasses and my left glove. I can't find those. I have nice mitten for my right hand. Keeps it very warm.

Lesson: You will die. And you will become dust. And I have a mitten made of fire.

Announcements
The community lighting program will take place in the park. Chabad is taking more chances this year with the fire safety laws. They decided that the rabbi carrying torches on scaffoldings is not dangerous enough. They want trees around.
 
Marty will be drunk at the community Chanukah party. Thought it would be good to announce that. This year he will be drunk too.
There will be a bouncy house. It’s a Jewish holiday. Tradition is very important. There will be a bouncy house and drunk Marty.
 
No more family pictures are allowed to be shared by our membership. This is a Psak from our rabbi. You all look bad. When your families get together and smile, it’s a horrific experience for everybody. To add, nobody wants to see your family smiling. Nobody wants to see your family happy. The rabbi has forbidden the posting of you and your family having a good time on social media. This holiday, keep your pictures to yourself. Nobody wants to see that you were down in Florida. And nobody wants to see you in sweaters.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: At What Point Is It Pirsumei Nisah- The Yearly Growth of the Community Chanukah Menorah. The Mitzvah to Get Drunk on Purim and How Marty Thinks Every Holiday Is Purim. The Mitzvah of a Bouncy House at Every Shul Event. How to Get Other People Mad- The Art of Sharing Pictures of Your Family on Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Happy Chanukah. Bert went down to Florida last week. B"H. It is a Happy Chanukah to all...
(Bereishit 38:7) Yehuda's children get killed for spilling seed... It’s rude to drop sunflower seeds in Israel...

We’re talking about vacation and sexual promiscuity. Not following the proper way of intimacy. And people like Tamar remind you. It will catch up to you... Women can be evil. Just like Larry. He went on vacation. Met a woman. Got married. And now he has a family. Vacation will mess you up.
Bad things happen on the road and they stick...
(Bereishit 38:25) As Tamar is being brought to be burned, she sends word to her father-in-law, Yehuda, “I am pregnant by the man to whom these belong.” Now. All the sudden. Nobody has a signet ring. In all of Israel, not one signet. Amazing how everybody is quiet about the signet when there's a child.
And she adds, “Whose signet-ring, cloak, and staff are these? Please acknowledge that you are the father.”
Catch this. It was Yehuda’s ring and cloak. And like a kind man, he decides that they don't have to burn her... Women will remember stuff. That is the lesson...

Acknowledging you are the father is a hard thing in this shul. We all see little Yanky. An embarrassment. I get it. None of you want to acknowledge these are your kids. They’re messed up.
(Bereishit 38:26) Yehuda says it is his. And the twins that come out don’t die so quickly by Gd, like his first ones...
No apology. They didn’t say “I’m sorry” back then. They gave cloaks.
The lesson from Yehuda is to be honest. And never give up your signet-ring, cloak or staff...

Your bad catches up with you. And that is why you shouldn’t have fun on vacation... On vacation, you should be learning Torah.
You go to Disney World. That’s how you celebrate Chanukah. Now you're paying two-hundred dollars for a picture with Minnie Mouse... I am trying to say, as you go on your vacation, do not enjoy it.
I came out here. I thought the job interview was a bit of a vacation. Now. I’m stuck... You pay for your vacations.

You get caught when you take things for granted. Yehuda's kids took their progeny for granted, as did Yehuda.
When you take your responsibilities for granted and don't take ownership of them, that is when you are cursed. When you don't fess. I have not seen any fessing around here... You need to fess more...

Chabad takes responsibility for lighting huge Chanukah Menorahs...
It’s fine to light with a candle, unless if you’re Chabad. It’s Chabad tradition to use torches and bonfires in the Chanukiah. They have more faith than you...
I know lighting Chanukiahs around trees is dangerous. But Chabad is spreading the light of our people. And for that the Chabad rabbi take chances. They take chances for what they believe in. Something Yehuda didn't do. And he was brought to justice for it... I know he’s not a builder, but he was up in a scaffolding lighting last Chanukah...
The Menorah is now up to forty feet tall. It grows around a foot every year...
Of course we can find the Menorah. It's huge. We know that belongs to the community... Don't give anybody your Chanukah Menorah, or they will claim it is your child.

Being drunk is where it starts. You’re drunk. You make a mistake... Dumb decisions. Like our sisterhood serving potato waffles... It's pancakes, Sharon. Latkes are potato pancakes. What happened to tradition in this place?!... I need to be honest, so we can have some morality and a future of good children. Like Peretz and Zerach... Not kids in our shul. Yehuda and Tamar's kids. Has anyone in our shul named their child Peretz or Zerach?... Exactly. That's why things are messed up here, and nobody takes responsibility. And the kids don't clean up after themselves...
Well. That's the party. That’s the shul Chanukah activity. Marty being drunk... Marty being drunk is shul tradition.
There will also be prizes for the kids... OK. Call it Chanukah gifts. I don’t call the Chinese finger lock thing a gift. It’s a prize... You give somebody a finger cuff thing and a fake nail through the finger, or a kazoo as a gift, and they will not want to be Jewish. They will convert to another religion for the holiday. One that gives better gifts... Of course there will be a bouncy house. It’s a holiday. We have tradition here... We cannot keep Marty out of the bouncy house...

Then you share your vacation pictures. And people hate you... Vacations are an issue. You see what happened to Yehuda... Did he share pictures of his signet ring?!... There would've been more problems for Yehuda if he shared signet pictures.
No family pictures anymore... You all look off. People see pictures of your families smiling and... Nobody wants to see your family happy, Chani... If you’re always so happy, why is it that you’re always screaming at each other at shul...
You bother people with your vacation pictures.
Take responsibility for being decent to others, and not posting your family smiling in the "Schwartz" T-shirts...
Marty in the bouncy house is a mistake. And taking a picture of it ruined our shul's reputation. It's the signet ring our shul doesn't need. But we have to take responsibility for our members...

Bracha happens when we take responsibility. Raise our kids right. Which is why there is no Bracha on the board.
We have to take care of the next generation... Not with bouncy houses or drunk Marty. Not with annoying pictures... A nice Chanukah candle lighting in the house is a good way to do this.
See the importance in your progeny. Take pride in your work. And get them off the Bima for crying out loud. I'm giving a speech. Whose one is this one?... Pick her up and take her out... Yes. Not having your four-year-old in the sermon is the proper thing to do. And no pictures... I don't know if you take Shabbis pictures. A bunch of heretics here...
Acknowledge your mistakes. Take responsibility for Yanky... It is then that we can have redemption. That people can be saved from evil.
Once you are honest. Acknowledge how you've wronged your rabbi...

If you don’t, the women will remember what you did. They’ll remind you.

Point is be careful on vacation. You might have kids. And you might have to acknowledge they’re yours... You can’t run away from them at Disney World. They have cameras...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got out a lot about his wife in the Drasha. Yet, he then thanked her for making him accountable. And as he was accountable, they went on a vacation together for Chanukah. Got out of town. Took his family to Disney World. Took pictures. He said she made him.

I have never seen somebody so happy to not see Bert.

After the sermon, the rabbi had to explain to everybody that learning Torah is fun. To quote the rabbi, "I was just saying you guys don't find it fun... Then have your face show it. Maybe smile every once in a while."

There was something in there about baby fathers and Yehuda living in a low-income community.

The rabbi tried bringing the idea of vacation into shul, so people would be happy. He called it "Shacharit Vacation." You come to shul on Shabbis morning as a vacation from your regular life. It turns out there is no sun in the shul in December. And it turns out, nobody posts social media of themselves at shul. Why? Because their families don't smile at shul.

The rabbi made us have a second Chanukah party on Sunday to redo the depressed shul feeling. It was really just a meet up for a shul portrait with some Latkes. Everybody had to line up at the Chanukah party, standing sideways and smile. It was not easy. Our congregants are not good at standing sideways. We're the only Jewish people in the world that take Simcha pictures standing straight. Looking straight at the camera.
You could see how awkward it was. The board made an executive decision to not post the picture. To quote, "I have never seen such unhappy people."

For the next shul party they've decided to bring in a beach. After researching the social posts of our membership, they said the bouncy house is fun, but the beach seems to bring our congregants smiles.
They're going to have the bouncy house on the beach next time. They just haven't thought it through yet. Always need a bouncy house. It’s part of Jewish tradition for every holiday in our shul. Latkes and a bouncy house. Purim is Hamentashen and a bouncy house. Sukkot, the Sukkah is a bouncy house.

The shul Chanukah party is not a place I would take the family. Forget about Marty being drunk. The gifts are so bad. I got a bathroom spray and shampoo. It's not gifts. It's prizes. I think the flyer should say that. Like the rabbi said, "Prizes... and your children won't want to convert." If it was prizes, I would've enjoyed it. Gifts are a gesture I have to repay. Something somebody put thought into. If they put thought into a nail through the finger, I am not happy. I get a nail through the finger prize, I'm good. It's like a trophy. A very cheap trophy.

I’m always worried about our community Chabad rabbi when he lights and takes chances at such extreme heights. Four years ago, he lit on a tightrope. Walked on a tightrope to the Chanukiah, holding a torch. It was definitely a community miracle, as our Chabad rabbi is now eighty-five years old and uses a walker.

So, the rabbi Asured vacation. He said his trip to Florida is not a vacation, but a necessary tour. He even called it a "furlough." He views his job as a military operation. His assignment is to stay away from congregants.
Nobody can stand the happy family pictures. It’s the worst part of the holiday. “Look at them. On vacation. No wonder we didn’t see them in shul."
We are now teaching our children to keep their pictures to themselves. They are attacking each other. But at least they're not sharing their pictures on Instagram.

​Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that.
And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens.
 
(Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother.
“And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish.
Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags.
Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you.
 
(Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have.
Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law.

Do not go to the mall for your Chanukah experience. ​I was walking through the mall, got home, and I found myself humming songs about mistletoe. And that was in August. That seems to be when they start celebrating Christmas. 
I was shopping for Chanukah. Not fun when you have to buy stuff for family. And I realized I can't enjoy shopping for Chanukah in the malls of Upstate New York. There is nothing Jewish, other than Christmas songs written by Jews. 
You can't have a Jewish experience shopping. They have taken over every store. Even the CVS logo now is red and white.

It's all Christian. They decorate the mall with every Christmas reef and pine tree, and red pair of socks they can find. Then you see a Chanukah night light they found at the Dollar Tree. Stores are decked out in red and white, and a tiny Chanukiah in the corner. A little electric Chanukiah, just in case the lights on the Christmas tree go out. Got their huge tree and a Chanukiah ornament for the Jews, to let the Jews know they can shop at JCPenney. 
Christians deck. They deck out the whole area. Decking halls. Jews, we place. We have been relegated to the placement of an electric Chanukah Menorah.

Don't take the kids to the mall for the holiday experience. It turns out Santa is not Jewish. That was a shocker the first time I found that out. It's called Ma'arat Ayin. He’s got the beard, but then he's got the red hat. That should've been a dead giveaway right there. It might have been because I was used to the Chabad rabbi with the Tefillin in that spot at the mall.
The mall will try to do a lot of stuff to make the holidays good for all. And that means that Santa will also let Jewish kids sit on his lap. How Santa gets away with that?! Our rabbi once shook a kid's hand and got fired.
I for one don’t consider it a Chanukah experience to have our children lighting a Chanukiah night light with Santa and his elves, on Santa's recliner. And then he gives the Jewish kids gifts too. On his recliner?! He’s creepier than the candy man at our shul. It’s called proselytizing.
They even claimed candy canes. You can't even even eat candy now without being a heretic. Nothing for your Jewish kid to enjoy. Nothing blue. All red. The mall is all Christian stuff and a blue snow cone. If you're lucky. And they probably don't sell those during the Christmas season. Which starts in July.

They can't even give us Chanukah. We can't get eight days. Just eight days. Still hearing the Christmas songs on the radio. The mall is blasting Christmas songs. And the Jews now write these songs now. Might as well write the songs. "If you can't beat them, make money off them." That's what I say.
They start playing the Christmas songs half a year in advance. Thanks to Mariah Carey they now have enough songs. "Twelve Days of Christmas." Their song should be "Twelve Months of Christmas with Mariah Carey."
It's Chanukah and they're celebrating Christmas. They're offended if you wish them a Happy Hanukah. Even leaving out the "Chet," they get offended. You have to say "Happy Holidays" on Chanukah, a month before Christmas.

And shopping for the kids isn't fun. For some reason, I don't like spending all of my money.
My advice. Don't go shopping. Don’t buy your kids anything. If there is one thing that ruins the holiday, it’s going broke on a new gaming console. For some reason, something that can make your kids feel so good can make your feel so bad.
And now that Christmas Tree Shops went out of business. I can't go anywhere to get my Chanukah stuff. The best place you could find in Upstate New York to find Chanukah decorations was the Christmas Tree Shops. And now that it's gone, I have to ask Santa to help me get some Chanukah gifts.

I expected to see something Jewish at the mall. Nothing. The closest thing I saw was a two for one sale at Kohl's. And that was at a strip mall. Santa doesn't sit at strip malls in Upstate New York. After the first four months of Christmas, it gets to cold outside. 
Can't even buy clothes. I wanted a sweater. They've cornered the sweater market. All Christmas. Even the Chanukah sweater was a Christmas sweater. A woven Christian Chanukiah. I can't buy anything knitted till after the first of January. 
And then I was thinking of sending my friend a holiday card. Nope. Can't do that either. No Chanukah cards. Just Christmas cards. Nothing.
Everywhere. They're even wearing the hats in November. In November now. They encroach on us. Can't give us anything. Christmas is supposed to be one day. And the Santa hats don't even keep you warm.

I was trying to find Chanukah candles. That's what led to this. I needed Chanukah candles. Couldn't find them anywhere. Not even at Wegmans supermarket. Though, the Kosher section had tinsels. Then, I show up at Target. Thank Gd they have all that Christmas stuff there. They had just enough Christmas stuff to be able to justify their Menorah candle bin in the corner, next to the Silly Putty.

All I am asking for is eight days to wish people a Chanukah Sameach. The rest of the year, enjoy Christmas.
I just want some Chanukah. Something. Everything is red and white. Stop signs. They even have stop signs. Every time I need to slow my car down, I'm reminded of Christmas. For eight days. That's all I ask. Blue and white stop signs for eight days.
One song. Even have a Jew write us our song. Something Jewish. Something about Chinese food. Eight days of something other than a Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" and the Dreidel song. Something other than the Dreidel song, which I am sure has something to do with Christmas.

With all this, I want to thank Chabad for trying to bring the Chanukah spirit to my shopping experience. Chabad, fighting for the Army of H', brought in one of those huge Chanukiahs. An eighth of the size of the Christmas tree. I know they did, because I peeked behind the tree, pushed aside the branches, and was able to see one of the candles, giving an extra glow to the ornaments.

​I understand if you can't avoid Christmas. It's everywhere. If you have to, do what you can and make your Christmas at the mall a Chanukah experience.
Go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap yourself. When was the last time you sat on a grown man's lap?! Ask Santa to talk to the rabbi about making his sermons shorter. Maybe write a song about deer and snow, and make money. They've claimed snow too.
Go shopping in January, during the first month of Christmas, when they have the sales. Make it a positive Jewish experience. Give your kids Chanukah gift cards so they can enjoy Chanukah after Chanukah.
And that is how Yeshiva Week began.

Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter.

​We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.”

We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people.
We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks.​ The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. 
Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi.
(Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket.

Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right...

Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..."
The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest.
Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.”
And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin...

Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You...

Achi!!!
You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night...
​
Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd...
Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now?
I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards...
How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack...
If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace...
Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas.
And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything...

Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd.
At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill...
Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara...
Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation...
Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul...

Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing.

Are you content enough to cry?!
It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears.
Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry.

It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry...

The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together...

Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts.
The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats...

Rivka's Rundown
I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together.

​The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim.
Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest.

I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. 

The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace.
In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul.
Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend."
They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money.

Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards.

People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur.
Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. 
In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night.
Thank Gd for heat and Bingo.

The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had.
And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats.

The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. 
All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids.
Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd.
Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders.

So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo.
The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul.
Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo."
Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night.
It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had.
It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues.
I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew.
I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition.

Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva.

It took Noach 120 years to build the ark. The gopher wood was busy doing stuff for other people. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The wood Noach used was gopher wood. A gofer. It was too busy running errands for other people. If you you're a boss, this one works great. Try to find the errand runner and workshop the pun. Your staff will hate you more.
 
What do you say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. (Mordechai)
You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable and the pun. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or you can maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground.
A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy.
 
How many people died when the fire came down on Sedom? A Lot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lot. But this is a Lot. Lot was saved by the angel/s. They spent a Lot of time getting him out of Sedom. I have no idea how a Lot works with a lot. To help, Lot is not pronounced like “lot.” That also doesn’t help the pun. If Keanu Reeves would’ve said this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, it would’ve work. 
Those committed to puns will change their accent when needed.
 
It was a family of sinners living in Chevron. All those children of Chet. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chet means sin. They were the children of Chet. Chet with a “Tet” is sin, but this family is Chet with a “Taf.” So, it is still a pun. But it makes no sense.
And this is where puns as educational tools are questionable. It depends on the teacher, and if they are fine with their students not knowing how to spell right.
 
When is it OK to leave on your watch when putting on Tefillin? When you’re strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin are straps. Strapped for time.

How do we know Rachel paid her maidservant? She’d Bilhah. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bilhah. Bill her. Rachel’s maid was Bilhah. Zilpah didn’t charge Leah. How do we know that? Because she didn’t Bilhah. Thank you. See how I brought that pun back around for you.

Why was Yaakov’s name changed to Yisrael? Because he struggled with Gd. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Saritah. Root is “Sar.” He struggled with Gd. Puns are about education at the Kibbitzer Magazine. Sometimes the pun is right there. Deliver it like a pun and it can be a pun. It's all about how you say it. The Torah is full of puns. "He made Sukkot, so he called it Sukkot." Silly Yaakov. The punster. 

***Note: Education in the pun world is of paramount importance. We suggest you do much research, and understand your students' literacy level, before using the Chet pun.

As a Jew, what is American. That is the question. It was just Thanksgiving, I was just down in Nashville, Tennessee, and I am inspired. I am inspired to talk about what truly is American, and that is The Lower East Side. That’s America. 
I've done much soul searching as to my heritage. My Pinte LYid wants to share with you. Join me in becoming a better Jew. Let's spend some time going into detail of what really makes us American. Our Gishmak history and half sour pickles.

New York is American. New York Kosher Style pizza is America's main cuisine. Some people who aren't Jewish forget that. They even consider deep dish pizza American. They have no idea what they're talking about. 
Deli, bagels, lox, pickles and anything else that sounds anti-Semitic when you're talking about Jews. American. Borscht. Schav. Belch Vassar. American. Taking what Americans do, such as burping, and saying it in Yiddish, and then drinking it. That is at the foundations of American life.
Pickles out of a barrel is very American.

Hollywood. That's America. Movies with intermarriage are very American.
Is there any greater feeling than seeing a guy with a Yarmulke on the screen. No. The answer is no.
The Borscht Belt. That's American. Naming your activities after a dish your mother made. Oy. How Americans have forgotten their native cuisine. 
Borscht and entertainment, it doesn't get better than that. Nu!!!

Fast food is American. And that means choolante out of a bowl on Thursday nights. Premade. Ready when you get there. It’s the most American thing you can do. Would America exist without Monsey?!

Sports are American. Baseball is America’s pastime. But America’s game is stickball. That's what our ancestors played. Trying to hit a pink ball with your mom’s broom is fundamental to our culture. Joy when you reach the second sewer. No greater feeling.
Yelling “Game off... Game on,” is American. Traffic patterns as part of the competition. Watching out for oncoming cars is at the root of American athletics. 
Paper football. Very American. I have never seen kids play that in Israel. It's American.

Hot dogs. They sell those in delis. American.

Shmatas. The Shmata business. Rags in the form of a $1,500 blazer. Towels as evening wear. Very expensive rags on sale for a lot of money.
Where the name comes from? Parents who knew their children would amount to nothing. Your parents belittling your factory because Jewish parents don't believe their kids have any abilities, American. "My kid is pulling in a million dollars in the Shmata business... He hires people who know how to do the work."
It is unAmerican to believe your child will accomplish anything. Yet, you are still the greatest.

Sales are American. Signs saying "sale." Getting the sales price yelled at you is what they do in other countries.
Bloomingdales knew what they were doing. They knew what their people needed. 

Working in a sweat factory. That is the American dream. For years, Europeans dreamed of coming to America to work in sweatshops. And this is why we feel so bad when we hear that people in other countries get to work in a sweatshop. That's our dream.

Blaming Jews is American.
Beeping at Jews is American.
Yelling "Jew" at people walking to shul is a fun thing to do. And American.
Wearing a baseball hat when traveling is American. When done for safety.
Freedom is American. And that means government subsidies and the right to hate Jews. 
Oy. How some forget our traditions. A Shanda.

Oy is American. Why? It just is.

Being broke is American. Being broke and owning a home with three cars. Complaining. American.
Tenements are American. Very American. That evolved to unaffordable housing in Brooklyn. Let’s not forget our tradition. And that is not being able to afford a decent home.
​
Music is very American. Strings, horns, drums. Mordechai Ben David is American. Inspirational holy words of "Nay Nay Nay." Nothing more American, and why the Beatles used those lyrics.

Writing commandments for people to follow. Mitzvahs are very important. This is why we have the American Constitution.

Restaurants with checkered bathroom tile flooring.
​
Turkey on Friday night after Thanksgiving. Nothing more American than eating turkey on Shabbat. And even more American is eating turkey in deli form.
How something is more American than the most American thing is a miracle found in America. A Nes.

Now you know what makes for the foundations of the USA. Maybe I'm just a traditional man who loves our Gishmak American heritage.
​If you were to ask Parker from Nashville, you might get different views of America. But he doesn’t know from the Lower East Side.
​Speaking English in Yiddish form is American.

Announcements
We had a Minyin for Shacharit on Tuesday this week. The rabbi wants to thank H’ for the miracle. Even with our congregants, we had a Minyin. People showed up to shul.
 
We want to thank Baruch for not letting us know he was alone for Thanksgiving. Everybody would’ve felt bad. We would rather you be pathetic and lonely, and not have to know about it. Nobody needs a damper on their Simcha.
The congregation wants you to know that we all hope you enjoyed the pumpkin pie they were selling for lonely people at Walmart.
 
The rabbi’s Psak is that people aren’t allowed to post their workouts anymore. Nobody needs to know how out of shape our membership is.
And no advertising marathons for donations. Though, we understand people need to run after Thanksgiving.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What a Shul Looks Like with A Minyin- A Field Trip to Another Shul. What Holiday Meals Look Like When Cooking for Yourself- With Baruch and Nobody Else (follow-up class with Baruch will be How to Deal with Depression and Loneliness with Congregants That Don't Care). How to Get More Out of Shape by Working Out- An Exercise Class Given by Our Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yaakov asks for freedom. He wants out with his wives and kids. Kind of like the way I want out of dealing with this board... I understand that the Mr. Markowitz celebrates being single as freedom. But I can't support running away from your family... Yaakov wants freedom for his family. Now, I think we're all on the same page. He's not free, but his family is. Is that OK, Bernie? Can I go on?... I'm sorry I misspoke. I understand marriage is very painful. 

(Bereishit 30:27) Lavan says to Yaakov, “If I have found favor in your eyes, I have learned from divination that H’ has blessed me due to you.” Is he curing him? Then why the “you” at the end? It sounds like a curse... Even if it's a blessing, it's a curse. 
Then the "favor in your eyes" line. Trying to work Yaakov to get something. We all use it. Buttering him up. My kids use that all the time when they want ice cream... They're biblical children...
He needed divination. Lavan needs divine inspiration to realize he is blessed on account of Yaakov. It’s apparent. But he needs divine help to see it.
You need divine inspiration to realize what I have done for you guys... Because you don’t appreciate. Let me enlighten. Why have we cancelled the shul softball team? Which is an embarrassment, with the out of shape congregants... Why has this shul lost members? Why are there fewer annoying people telling jokes at Kiddish? Because of your rabbi.
Can I get away for winter vacation?! That’s all I want. Florida... If you appreciated me, you would let me go...

We can appreciate the Duadim. But can we appreciate what others do for us. Everybody loves Dudaim. Who doesn’t. I want one of those every day.
It doesn’t take divination to realize some stuff is messed up. To realize there is some stuff here that Dudaim cannot help. Some stuff that is not appreciated, and for good reason... We have a Chazin...

And you need the divine inspiration to appreciate. To appreciate H's blessings...
There was no Minyin. We were about to do the Amidah. Then, they showed, before we started the Amidah. A miracle. Was it Gd stepping in, or Pinchas twenty minutes late?... I consider every time we get a Minyin to be a miracle here. But this was a Nes Nistar. A hidden miracle. Kind of like when I don’t see congregants for a few months.
Do we appreciate the miracles?! On Chanukah there are miracles we can see. What I do for the shul, you can see...

And it's due to you and your selfish unYaakov like focus that Baruch had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving... No divine inspiration in your kindness. No holiday miracle...
So, nobody invited Baruch. You feel better feeling bad and enjoying not having to see him.
The idea is to not have to think about others at their Simchas and holidays?! I get it. This is why most of you don't do Pesach Seders, or put out a decent Kiddish for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Worst Kugel ever, Brian!!! You should be ashamed. Shame!!! Not even Dudaim. The Dudaim were about care... Well dude.
Bracha comes when you concern yourself with others. Just as Yaakov concerned himself with doing proper work... I'm not saying Bracha Rabinowitz. Blessing. Something good...
Baruch. You didn't miss out on anything. Just some turkey that was made in an oven. And other food that was not served in plastic containers...

Giving to your exercise is not what I'm talking about. How about if people donate to the shul, then they can donate to your marathon... What is the cause anyways? We know you're out of shape. We saw the pictures... I understand it costs money to run a marathon. Do people not pay for anything anymore?! I know they don't pay their dues or sponsor a decent Kiddish. One with a potato Kugel that has some oil in it... Your daughter's potato Kugel was a shanda...
Why is everybody posting their workout? Every out of shape person. Every congregant... I get the in-shape people on TikTok... Then post your workout in your sweater. I'm watching people working out showing how they let themselves go...
I don't appreciate your workouts. You lifting weights is not something anybody needs to see. I don't have to see how out of shape my congregants are. I see how they eat at Kiddish. Svetlana will not get a Shidduch like this... I am not out of shape shaming. I am posting your workouts shaming...
Dudaim cannot help your workouts on social media. I didn't need divine inspiration to know that.
This is the reason for Tznyut. Because of your out of shape selves. It’s like you’re always posting before pictures...
And then marathons now. We have to sponsor Rachel?!... We should have an out of shape marathon team that hasn't trained. Svetlana and Michael can lead the team. They can post it on the shul's Facebook group. And people will donate money after seeing how much help our community needs to get in better shape...
Yaakov was in good shape. And his Bracha was that he didn't have to see your posts...

It's about giving, and you all seem to only give when H' steps in. You are not Tzadikim like Yaakov. Like Lavan...
Do we need Dudaim when we have love?! When we have a nice vacation. A good getaway. Dudaim are great. When your congregation lets you go to Florida for the winter... Some Dudaim would really hit the spot right now.
It's not Dudaim. It's about seeing the Bracha. 
Sometimes H' needs to step in. Like Rachel, the Dudadim may help you feel better. But it is only Gd that grants the blessing of seeing the Bracha. 
May we be blessed to not need Dudaim for blessing. Just less members. Less pictures of out of shape congregants working out. Less single people, as they are a downer... It's a Psak. May you find favor in our eyes, with modest clothes. Because you are very out of shape.

Yaakov wants to go to Israel. When you appreciate people, you let them go. Which is why I am going to Florida for a couple months... Still keeping the job. Paid.

Rivka's Rundown
And still, nobody knows what Dudaim are.

Again, the rabbi uses the sermon to get more days off. He turned the Yaakov blessings into him deserving an all-expense paid trip to Florida. Nothing about Israel. This isn't Yaakov leaving for reasons such as family. This is for a perk. The rabbi used the Jewish people's call of "let my people go" for his vacation down to Florida.

The rabbi is correct. Any "you" at the end of a sentence sounds like a curse. Very offensive. I'm going to stop saying "bless you." It sounds nasty. From now on it's, "You should be blessed."

Us getting a Minyin. That was inspirational. It was like a rebbe story. One of miracles. No Minyin and then a Minyin.
People in our shul now believe in H’. If Shloimi can wake up for Minyin, anything is possible.

The upshot is it's selfish of Baruch to be alone.
Nobody needs to know you ate alone. That ruins other people enjoying themselves. Keep that to yourself too. 
Our congregants are so selfish. They actually asked if Baruch had dinner, just to find out how pathetic he really is. Not to invite him.
He should've lied and said he ate with people. Him eating alone made me feel bad. I'm sorry. It's sad when you have to buy a pumpkin pie at Walmart to celebrate the holiday. And then you have to budget and buy the small, personal size one. Such a Rachmanis. Wow. I'm happy I was able to say he's a Rachmanis. Feels like I did my part. Just saying he's pathetic makes me feel better.
The congregants truly do not want to help. Ever. Never visit the older members of the shul.

I had never seen the rabbi so animatedly angry as with Brian and that potato Kugel. Not even the bad egg salad got him that mad. And a good egg salad with potato Kugel is a Mechaya.
I once had cheese with potato Kugel. Melted right on it. That was Olam Haba. Sometimes you have to share inspirational stories. There was no Minyin that day. But it was a good potato Kugel. Maybe I should share that story with Baruch. Might inspire him knowing I enjoyed myself.

The rabbi made it clear. Not one in shape congregant. I believe that was the message.
That was the best argument for Tzniyut ever given.
They workout once and all the sudden it’s their profile picture. It's getting annoying. They have to stop putting up pictures. The most positive thing is where they put up a family picture and I want to smack them for being happy.

It really is getting annoying. And then Rachel did a marathon and we have to sponsor it. Had to advertise her marathon. If Rachel would work a little more, and stop running, she would be able to afford paying for her marathon.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about injured people parking, announcements for people to come to shul, and Mountain Dew being founded with the establishment of the modern state of Israel, as if they did something wrong, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of his kitchen and how he doesn’t clean up the bags.

Let me tell you about my youth collecting baseball cards. And how a Torah Jew came to being.

I was around nine years old. It was fourth grade. That's when it all started. Fourth grade. It must've been fourth grade. I can't remember. The only thing I can remember from that year is jawbreakers. I ate a lot of jawbreakers. Which I found out, was not good for your jaw. And then our science teacher kept on talking about pizza pies. I thought we were supposed to be learning about planets, and she has us thinking about anchovies. She was obsessed with pizza pies.
I was very focused on getting some Pete Rose cards. At the time, I had no idea he was into gambling. If I knew, I would've tried to get some tips. I remember overhearing my dad getting stock tips from his friends. They were always "winners," but half the time they were bad. I am sure Pete Rose had better tips.
At the time, I never wanted to be a winner. Due to my dad's friends, to this day, I root for the underdogs. The losers have more of a chance of winning. I'm sure Pete would agree. Which is why he bet on baseball. And which is why I don't bet on the S&P 500.

It was 1986. That was the year I started getting involved in collecting. The year after the cool looking cards of 1985. The year after the valuable cards. 1986, the only year that it’s impossible to find a card in mint condition. Topps 1986 comes ruined. Who makes baseball cards with a black background??? The idiot.
I've never seen a decent corner on a 1986 card. Donruss and Fleer followed suit that year. Those cards are also impossible to find decent. If anybody has a 1986 baseball card without a ding, please let me know. It's got to be valuable.
Topps had it all that year. Dings, off centered, and the worst rookies. Right when I started collecting. They didn't even have the Jose Canseco. If they did, he would've ratted them out, and nobody would've bought those cards.
Every card came off centered. It was like 1989 Donruss. Topps saw their 1985 football cards and asked, "How can we create the look of those cards that comes messed up?! 1985 football. Nobody liked those. And let's leave the good rookies out, to give the full experience."
I got one 1986 card with one perfect corner. I cherished that card. Offcentered as anything. Half the card wasn’t even there. It was a Cecil Fielder and some other random guy. No idea. I think it was Cecil fielder's left elbow. I'm almost positive. I puzzled it up against a Cecil Fielder that was three quarters of a Cecil Fielder card. That was the closest to a full card I pulled from that pack. The guy cutting the cards was going for a three for one. He was trying to make every card into a multiple rookie highlights card. A historical fact I learned from much collecting: It's the Topps cutting guy that inspired Fleer to put more than one guy on a card.

1985 Topps are some of the most amazing cards ever made. My goal was to get those. The team name in the tilted rectangular box. And then the block letters. Looked so cool. Ever since I saw those, I only wrote in block letters and at an angle, and I got bad grades.
By the time I started collecting, they didn’t have the 1985 packs at 7-Eleven, so that didn’t happen. That was how my luck worked. I also got a papercut from Don Mattingly, and I missed out on high school in the 1980s. I never witnessed the full effect of Karma Chameleon.
7-Eleven was where I went to pick up cards. I would pick up the packs, pull out a card that was worth four thousand dollars and retire. That was my business plan. I also picked up cards at card shops and shows, when I wanted to feel like I was getting ripped off. We’ll get into the 1990s and why I collected Jerome Walton another time. It was only later that I found out that the most valuable card in 1986 Topps was worth four dollars, in 2008. With perfect corners.

But it was the year, 1986, where Topps celebrated Pete Rose. They figured, "We celebrated him in 1985. People like him. Let us celebrate him again." If Pete Rose was the member of my shul, every fundraiser would be in his honor. 
1986 had The Pete Rose Years legacy cards, illustrating all of his Topps cards. That was my introduction to the love of baseball cards. I wanted to get every one of them.
Pete Rose, "Charlie Hustle," is baseball. Those cards spoke to me like history. Like I was connecting to something greater than myself. Legacy. And hopefully a lot of money. It turns out those weren't the original cards. I did not have the Pete Rose rookie card. I had a card that had a picture of the Pete Rose rookie.
​Before Nolan Ryan's five thousand strikeouts, Pete Rose was the only accomplishment of note Topps could think of.

Those cards got me into Pete Rose. The only cards that didn't come dinged. I loved those cards with the yellow red background. 
My initiation into baseball came from a man of legacy. And that is what baseball cards do. They celebrate legacy and a desire to gamble.
When it comes to legacy, as a fan you can't see the dings. And that's why I remember how great Pete was. What he gave us all. And that's 1986 cards without dings, that are worth nothing.

Collectors celebrate legacy, and pay way too much for it. And it’s that legacy that makes America great. 
Now you can see how being Mevatel Torah makes a good Jew.

And then came 1986 Topps Traded, and I felt like an idiot. Because I spent all my money on the bad set.

Later On
Today those 1986 cards are worth nothing. If they're in gem mint, millions. Because you can't find them.

Pete Rose bet for his team. That's a good manager. Betting on his team to win, even without Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan. A man committed to his team. That's the kind of guy I want running my ballclub. A guy who cares. A man who has a lot riding on the games. Which is why he was always yelling at umpires. "I don't care if that's a strike. I have forty thousand dollars on this!"
And after Pete Rose, so many other players weren't inducted into the hall of fame. Players like Mark McGwire, who made the game better with the use of steroids. 
Some types of gambling are forbidden according to Jewish law. However, betting on a game you're in, that's questionable. I believe I heard that from Chauncey Billups. 

And who would you see at the card shows? Pete Rose. He would be at every card show. Every card shop. He would be everywhere. He was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah, and he wasn't even invited. He was committed. He continued to give us that legacy. That smile and that baseball hat with the visor he never touched. He was the look of baseball. The reason for so many Cincinnati fans betting on games.
​He lived baseball. He was baseball. He knew who he was. A man that found his life's work in what he did. What a blessing. To be able to gamble on what you do.
As a fan, I learned commitment from Pete Rose. And that is why I follow the legacy of the Jewish people, Torah. And I am betting that the Torah life is worth a lot. I hope betting on Torah is allowed according to the Torah.

***I had to add that last part to make it meaningful for the rabbis who signed off on my Smicha. They gave me rabbinic ordination so I could share these stories of inspiration.