Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY
The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation.

President: We need more money.

Secretary: How do we get it?

President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die.

Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board.

President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death.

Secretary: We can focus on dues.

President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus.

Secretary: But Simchas are nice.

President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks.

Secretary: But they rent the hall?

President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it.

Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate.

President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies.

Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish.

Secretary: Why?

President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money.

Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life.

President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque."

Rabbi: What about Kaddish?

President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that.

DISSOLVE TO

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes.

President: Dedication plaques We need more.
Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted.
Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead.

Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah.

Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats.

President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques.

Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything.

President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death.

Secretary: What about asking for donations?

President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand.

Secretary: Is it always eighteen?

Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens.

President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand.
They continue walking.
The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door.

Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"?

President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed.
The president looks at the rabbi.
Speech donations.

Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it.

President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died.

They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening.

President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque.

Secretary: It's just a fridge.

Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel.

President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf.

Secretary: What about the vegetable bins?

Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians.

President: Get them to plaque it.
Looking at the secretary.
Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down.
Tablecloth. No plaque on it.

Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth.

President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it.

Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give.

Secretary: But they haven't died.

President: Not yet. Give them a plaque.

Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders.

Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best.

Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine.

President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke.

Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family.

President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine.
What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons.

THE END

Kibbitzer Conclusion
The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic.
They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer.
After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah."

The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere.
The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away."
All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand.
The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba.

The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences."
The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise.

The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it.

On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Liberals are left leaning. We lean to the left at the Seder. Leaning to the left. They both have that in common. If tradition would be to lean to the right on Pesach, he would've eaten a conservative portion of Matzah. A whole different pun. But the same amount of Matzah. Which brings us to unity. Left-wing and right-wing people eat the same amount of Matzah. It makes no difference who you voted for.

What’s a lion’s favorite part of the Seder? MaRoar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Maror is the bitter herbs we eat at the Seder. Roar with a Ma. Wanted to help you prepare for Pesach with a thought about lions to share at the Seder, when discussing the four sons and why we eat salt water. To bring some meaning to your holiday.

Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was hoarse. It had a sore throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish, but hoarseradish. If you didn’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true.
 
The bird egg landing on his head and he said it was a blessing. "The yolk of Heaven." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Religious people accept upon themself the yoke of Heaven. This was the yolk. Yolk of Heaven. The egg of heaven. Sometimes you have to try hard to get a pun. Never give up.
 
What do you call it when somebody gives bread to the shul? A doughnation. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People give donations. Here it's a doughnation, because there is dough. Sounds the same. It should be the person is giving uncooked bread to the shul. Could even be cake. A not fully baked cake. That would also be a doughnation. Money is sometimes called dough, so this pun has many meanings. Is it a doughnation of money? That's for you to decide.

They were doing illegal substances on Lag BOmer around what they called their bongfire. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bonfire. Bongfire. Smoking up. Stuff you shouldn’t be doing, even if it is Lag BOmer. Don’t do drugs. Sometimes, the message is more important than the pun.

Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read.

***If we've learned anything, when reading puns, you can't always focus on the spelling. Only when the pun makes sense without the use of the pun, then you have to focus on the spelling. This I knows.

Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months.
 
Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it.
 
We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year.
 
Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven...
You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow...
You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people.

(Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that.

What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens...
Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up...

Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people...
Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?!
You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford...

Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact...
A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul.

You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it.
Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong...
So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made...
You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day.
Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness.

Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent.
Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong.
I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?...

We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph.
The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better...
They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house...
We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do...
This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma...

You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave....
There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul.

Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???!

All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens...

I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom...
From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything.
But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple.

Rivka's Rundown
Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy.
The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy."
The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise.

The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows.
I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each.
Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore."

The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone.
They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.”
It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330.
Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across.

And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most.
Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k.
By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar.
Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar.

That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact.
The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi.

Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves.
The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye."

The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral.

Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper.
The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed.
And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up.

Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest."
Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up.
The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.

Mother's Day just passed, though I got many Shaylas on the day. Many good Frum Jews were wondering if they had to honor their mothers. I thus feel it's important to bring you the history and Halachik discussion of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, Mother’s Day is not a Biblical holiday. It is not mentioned in the Torah. With that in mind, bathing is permissible.

The first Mother's Day celebration was held in 1908. Anna Jarvis thought to commemorate her social activist mother’s passing by forcing everybody else to honor their moms too. That’s what activists do. They have an idea and they make everyone else do it. She thought that showing respect for her deceased mother was the proper thing to do, so people pamper their living mothers. And thus, Mother's Day began, in a church.
Jews were relieved to hear this was a Christian thing. To quote Yankel Simcha Ben Baruch Avramel, "B"H. If my mother ever heard about this Mother's Day thing, she would make dad cook that night... H' Yishmor. His brisket. We shouldn't know of such things."

Not long after, in 1908, Jewish mothers heard about this. It doesn't take long for Jewish mothers to hear about stuff. They talk. The conversation was, "What? You don't have a day for us?!" And Mother's Day became a Jewish thing.

Ruchel's kids told her, "Mom. Every day is Mother's Day." Ruchel was not happy with that, and responded, "Is this Mother's Day you speak of a day where I have to make the beds and clean the dishes?!"
"But Mom. We do Kibud Av vEim, honoring our parents, every day." To which Ruchel let them know, "Then. You're doing a very bad job." And she went on to list how many times they haven't taken out the trash.
After chastising her children for not fulfilling their requirements, they decided that they would have Mother's Day. And so, every Sunday Ruchel Heimowitz and here family celebrated Mother's Day. And Ruchel finally had a day where she didn't have to think about her kids.
Originally, the goal of Mother's Day in the Jewish community was to give mothers a chance to forget they had children. Ruchel's friends all thanked her and said, "Mother's Day should be every day. Mrs. Finkelman will do the carpools." Mrs. Finkelman was not able to convince her family that this Mother's Day was a good idea.
Jewish kids started riding bikes on Sundays, and thus we have a whole generation of non-religious Jews.

In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made it a law. He proclaimed Mother's Day a national holiday. And this is why he is now known as Rabbi Wilson. He deciphered Halacha on behalf of America, and he put together brilliant Responsa.

The discussion of this new law made it to the Rabbis. They had already nixed Thanksgiving in preference of having turkey on Friday night.
Rabbis discussed President Wilson's proclamation. Pilpul began. "Should we?" "Should we not?" Those two questions went back and forth for two and a half hours, before somebody suggested that there should be an attempt at an answer.
Reb Nachum said, "We must honor mothers." To which all of the rabbis said they did. And it turned out, none of them called their mothers that day.
Reb Mendel asked, "But is it truly a holiday? Can we add holidays?" Reb Shmuly answered, "We added Chanukah." To which Reb Mendel explained, "We had nothing to do with that." Many of the rabbis were bothered by Reb Mendel's statement, as they took credit for starting Chanukah in 164 BCE. To quote Reb Shmuly, "I was there. Man."
Reb Nosson said, "But we have to get gifts on Chanukah." Reb Nachum replied, "Then we should buy our mothers gifts." And his Smicha was revoked by the husbands who were present, in fear they would have to buy their wives more jewelry.
After much back and forth amongst the rabbis, as to whether women were important or not, it was decided Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law. To which Reb Baruch said, "My wife's name is Dina." Which had nothing to do with anything.

The rabbis thought to call it Wife Appreciation Day. However, that would definitely require them to buy more jewelry. All rabbis were afraid to support the idea of showing appreciation to their wives, as there is no commandment for them to purchase necklaces, and they saw what happened to Rabbi Nachum. To quote Rabbi Nosson, "I get my wife clothes. That's my requirement. I don't appreciate her. I married her. I am living with her. Ganuck. That's enough." Due to the fact that husbands were making the decision, Wife Appreciation Day never took off. To this day it is still Mother's Day.

Ruchel Heimowitz was not happy with this new law of Mother's Day. Now, her every Sunday turned into once a year. And now, the rest of the year American children yell at their mothers in public, and hit them when they refuse to buy them LEGO.
Yet, on Mother's Day, it is tradition to honor your mother and to allow her time to relax and take a bath. And they can finally go out, one day a year, and talk with their friends not full of filth.

And now, on the second Sunday in May, every year, we celebrate women. And the rest of the year, B"H, we don't have to worry about Kibud Av vEim.
And that is how we have men cooking in homes. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.

Lessons of What Followed
Rabbi Nachum was happily married to his wife for seventy-three years. His wife had much jewelry and he was broke the whole time.
From 1914 on, being that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national obligation, Ruchel's kids started taking out the trash once a year.

Announcements
This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim.

Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280.
We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner.
 
Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim.

We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans.
 
The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything.
 
Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers.  How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name.
Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha...
I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure...

Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka...
(Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.”
Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation...
There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters.
It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members...

It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities...
And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes...
Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes...

“The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked...
These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them...

People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul...
Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel...
Single person is $280... Then get married...
$330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day...
I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast...
Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner?
It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now...
Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people...

What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations.
The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated...
You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you...
You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable.

Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part.
If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration...

No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood...

Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there.
(Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy...
(Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better...
Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more...
And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks...
Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked.
We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter...

Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing.
And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate.

“And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone...
But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up...

Rivka's Rundown
I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness.
Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?”
Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes.

The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul.

Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching.
I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart.

It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field.
By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken.
The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty.

Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter.
The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence.

It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring.
I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people.

The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul.

Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer.
The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form.

That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun.
The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays.
We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in.
The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked.

The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists.

Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner.

It was Lag BOmer. I had to go to Meiron. It's Lag BOmer. I have to get to the Kever, the grave, of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. I heard about it. I had to go.

There is nothing I love more as a Baal Teshuva than Lag BOmer. And spending Lag BOmer in Meiron is extra Chozer BTshuva glory. The more I see people with Payis jumping, the more connected I feel to Yidishkeit. Like the pictures of Jews my parents had in the den, the one-legged Chasidc dance connects me to Frumniosity. Whoever that artist is, he instilled in me an idea of what Chasidim do. And that's dance on one foot. Not sure if they learn Torah. I definitely know they dance on one foot.
And there is no place better to see Chasidim dancing than at the grave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. The Rashbi. So, I made my way to Meiron.

I decided travel to the north of Israel by bus, from Yerushalayim. I wanted to experience Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Hillula with my people. And that means with the cheapest form of transportation.
Traveling to Merion, I felt like I was part of the nation, our Am, leaving Jerusalem for the pilgrimage festival of Lag BOmer. The fourth of the pilgrimage festivals. The Chag not mentioned in the Torah. The one we leave Yerushalayim to celebrate. Along with Pesach, where we go up to hotels outside of Jerusalem, which cost less.
When you're going to a community event, you go with community. So, I sat on the bus next to a beautiful Jewish soul who hadn't showered. I could smell the Kedusha. The holiness. What is known as the Avira DAra, the atmosphere of Israel. And it was all coming from the guy sitting right next to me. I was surrounded by the aura of Kedusha.

The bus route was amazing. We passed every fire in Israel. Towns on fire and people were fine with it. We passed through Bet Shean where they decided to burn the guy's mattresses. Might have been his home at the start. I don't know. But all of the holy Jews were celebrating. People with Payis were jumping.
Why we didn't just take the faster route by way of the highway is still something I ask. Yet, it was a chance to bond more with my nation. A chance to see holy towns of Israel on fire. A beautiful sight for a Jew. Especially a Jew who is growing in his connection to his people.

We finally got to Merion. Which meant there was another bus. There was a bus from the bus. Mamish. Amazing. Gishmack. More buses. More connecting with my people who haven't showered now for eight hours, since they started dancing to celebrate the Rashbi's demise.
Then I caught another bus from the bus from the bus, which then leaves you off, so you get to walk to where you need to go. Gishmack

We made it to the party. I was at the gates of Meiron. All of our Chasidic brethren celebrating. Dancing. Jumping. Payis flying. Selling stuff. Booths everywhere. It was like homecoming on campus, just that people had clothes on.
They had falafel booths where they served falafel for money. I learned that Jewish carnivals have falafel. Even if were celebrating the Jews of Spain, it's falafel. I’ve learned much in my few years as a religious Jew. All Jewish events have falafel somewhere.
They had a Tehillim booth to remind us that things are not good. And that made me feel even more religious, as I celebrated through feeling bad.
Chabad rabbis were there. Chabad rabbis love booths. I remembered the Matzah factory booth and the shofar making booth. But it wasn't Pesach or Rosh Hashana. It was Lag BOmer. So, the rabbis had a fire making booth. The coolest booth I ever saw, until the Meiron fire department shut it down. Many of us Frum Jews were mad, as the fire department and Merion policemen didn't express the same Emunah, belief in Gd, as the Chabad rabbis. You could tell by the fires we passed on the way to Merion, the fire department in Bet Shean had much more Emunah and Bitachon bH' than their colleagues in Meiron. It might have been that they were making small fires in a wood booth.

Waiting for us was food. Food booths. Menschim doing Chesed. Acts of kindness for those who can’t afford falafel. Feeding people who forgot to bring food on a full day’s trip.
I was blessed to enjoy the Israeli Frum event food. Rugulach with a thin layer of a chocolate looking stuff painted on, hard dust cookies, and coffee made out of Botz. Made the traditional way, with mud. Religious Israelis drink coffee the way Moshe Rabbeinu drank it. Traditional coffee, before South America was founded. I love mud coffee.
As I learned, the Mesorah, tradition is to dunk the hard dust cookie in the coffee. And so I did, and I lost the thing. The cookie broke off. It was gone.
Religious Jews in Israel don’t travel with food. They show up and eat hard dust cookies. Oh. How I've come to love hard dust cookies with a that solidified neon jelly looking thing on the inside. It’s what religious Jews eat in the Beit Midrash, and it is what we eat at festivals.

Then we saw religious concerts. That means Shwekey. Or somebody else who sings like Shwekey.
Such an amazing experience.
I continued and saw more fires. And nobody had to follow fire code, unless if they were a Chabad rabbi with a booth.
It was Mardis Gras for Frum Jews. Which meant no floats and the bands were stationary. And nobody was drinking cocktails like the Hurricane. Everybody was drinking schnapps. Straight schnapps. I learned that Frum people drink schnapps, because schnapps sounds Jewish.  

After the bus and working my way through the concerts and the crowd, dancing with every Chasid, and walking through fire, and getting stopped by every person who asks for money in Israel - I believe I met them all, which is a Mitzvah - Fifteen hours later, I pushed, I grabbed, I did not make it to the Kever.

Conclusion
Yidishkeit, being a Frum Jew, is about the journey.
Chagim in Israel are not about making it anywhere. It’s about being there. That is the holy experience of any Chag. It's the journey to Yerushalayim. It’s the journey to Meiron. It’s the journey to a hotel in Florida to save money and not be in Jerusalem for Pesach. As long as you have Chasidim dancing somewhere, my mom would say it’s Jewish. And she’s right.
I was at the gates of Meiron. Finally, I was at the gate. The real gate this time. There are a lot of gates in Meiron. It turns out the last gate I was at was the gate to some guy's house. I finally made it to Meiron. Effort pays off. I was there and I did not make it the Rashbi's Kever. It was packed.
It turns out that I couldn't make it past the last group of Chasidim dancing. The pictures in the den don't show how crowded the dancing can get.

Then I took the bus back to Yerushalayim. It took six hours to get out of Meiron. At that point, I was just annoyed and asking myself why I didn’t take a car. It was then I started questioning how much Avira DAra I can handle.

For the first time in my Frum journey I thought, “Maybe I should be a little less religious. Maybe a bonfire and some Tehillim is a good enough way to celebrate. Maybe I don’t need to be on a bus for fifteen hours to connect with H’.” And then I got home and promised myself I would go back to Meiron next year, and make it my Minhag. My tradition.

We finish getting rid of Chametz before Pesach by Bitul, nullifying it and saying it is the dust of the earth. That part does not get your house cleaner. People still see the dirty kitchen. You can't just say, "It's not there. I Bituled it. Nullyfied. Grease on the wall is not there. Bituled. If you see anything, like cookie droppings on the floor, it's dust of the earth." The guests will still notice the dust ball. You can't start telling people, "That Challah over there. That's just dust." It's not a magic trick of "Wallah. Not there anymore. Grape juice stain?! Gone. Don’t even see it. All I see is dust." I've seen some of your homes. Rabbinic cleaning does not suffice for sanitation.
I’m never hiring a rabbi to clean my house again. That was a scam… Whoever came up with this Halacha was trying to get out of helping around the house.

You must search and destroy Chametz. And people think Frum Jews don’t go to war. Put Chametz in front of them. See what happens to the leaven. They will attack. It's a command... It's not a joke. They're using military grade. Get close to oven Shpritz and see what happens.

(Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember.(Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. So we remember that by getting grape juice all over our clothes. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts all over the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over their button-downs.

(Shulchan Aruch OC 261:2) Some say we must add time from weekday to Shabbis, known as Tosefet Shabbat. This gives us more time to eat and get heavier. There is not always enough time to eat a full eight pound brisket over Shabbis proper. Or you can add less. As long as you add some time to Shabbat. The Shulchan Aruch could've started with this. I wouldn't have protested this idea of adding onto a twenty-five-hour day if they started with "you just can't start Shabbat after Shabbat started." The twenty-five-hours is enough adding onto not watching TV. It would be good to know who the rabbis were that said you can do less. They would've had a lot of supporters.
Rama says you can start Shabbat from Plag HaMincha (one and a quarter Halachik hours before sunset). Some people will do anything to get out of work. This is what holy people do. They add onto Shabbat and they don’t work. Because they love H'.

Announcements
Shloimi is the new Gabai. Because the rest of you can’t figure out when to start Chazaras HaShas. A bunch of fools spaced out, looking around. The rabbi takes three steps back, you start.
Note to All Congregants: People finish their silent Amidah, you start right away. Otherwise, we will lose congregants to places that are faster. And if you are leading, do it fast. Nobody wants to hear you sing. Even your wives are schepping no Nachis.
 
We are going to stop giving envelopes to people after Aliyahs. We realized that not one person has sent a check to the shul in appreciation. It turns out our membership can’t even afford stamps.
 
You can now donate to the shul. Anything we already have in the shul is up for donation. Bookcases. The Ark. Youth groups. Samantha’s huge hat she decides to wear to block everybody’s view.
 
The annual dinner is next week. We’ve changed the name from the Dinner of Excellence to the Dinner of Fun. We feel this will draw a younger crowd.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Make Everyone Wait, Spacing Out Before Chazaras HaShas. How to Use an Envelope and Make a Donation. How to Get Rid of Past Donations By Taking Off The Cover of The Torah Somebody Else Donated. How to Put a Plaque on Everything With Our Board. How to Make Everything Sound Like a Preschool Program With Our Annual Dinner's Committee.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Burns are not Tamei. If you burn yourself on the stove top... Why are you touching stove tops and not speaking Lashon Hara?... Bald men are still pure. Not somebody you’d want to set your daughter up with... Girls aren't attracted to the baldness, Baruch... Doesn't make you contaminated. Just single.

(Vayikra 13:55) Clothes can be contaminated. If the affliction “has not changed its color after it has been washed, and it has not spread, it is contaminated, you shall burn it...” I’ve been telling Nachum to burn his shirt because it’s ugly. Purified clothes can still be ugly when purchased at Costco... Kirkland shirts are great. Did your shirt come with cashews?...

First you try to clean it. (Vayikra 13:54) You clean the contaminated area. Some things you can’t fix. Like our shul. The slow uptake on the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. Donations for everything, causing a deficit... How donations cause a deficit is an anomaly. Yet, our shul somehow finds it normal...

(Vayikra 13:56-58) Clothes become impure too... You need clean clothes. Otherwise, you might as well burn them.
If they come out cleaner, “the affliction left them, it shall be immersed again and it shall become pure.” Pure clothes have to be clean. When you dress like our congregants, with stains all over, you start to ask how much Lashon Hara they’re speaking. And you ask why they keep wearing white shirts... I know you're supposed to wear white on Shabbat. But all I see are red and blue stains...

(Vayikra 14:8) Purification here involves birds... Not out of a hat... Hyssop too... He “shall immerse his clothes, and he shave all his hair, and he shall immerse himself in water and become pure...” He needs a deep clean. After all the Lashon Hara, you smell bad... I don’t know what hyssop is. Maybe they use it to make stuff smell better...

They speak Lashon Hara because you wear messed up clothes. Because you don’t shower. If you showered and didn’t dress like Baruch, who is bald, and maybe wore a hat, to cover up your baldness, nobody would speak Lashon Hara about you...
The point is to be clean when you purify... I’ve seen you bringing grimy pots to the Mikvah... If it’s not clean, it’s not pure... To be clean of sin. To get rid of your messed up clothes. Some things you can't make better. Your sinful stained clothing. You burn it...
Our shul is not pure. This is why we must cleanse the shul of contaminated people who can't Daven...

People who have no idea when to start doing Chazaras HaShas, the repetition, should be quarantine... Then why are they leading?!... Well they shouldn’t lead Davening.
You guys have no idea what to do in shul. You’re like a Chazir stuck in headlights.
Shloimi has the head nod down. He knows people’s names. He’s not afraid to call up people for Aliyahs to the Torah... The last Gabai just stood there hoping somebody would give him an idea of who to call up...
This is why Shloimi is not quarantined. He's a good leader. He knows how to nod at the right moments. He let's the Chazin know to start the repetition of the Amidah...
And your singing is off. This is the only shul where the wives are saying, "My husband has such a bad voice. I wish he wouldn't lead..."
Other shuls have wives that feel like their husband is serenading them when they're taking the Amud... That means being a Chazin. Leading the Tzibur. The Baal Tefilah. Cantor. Baruch! And your wife doesn't want to hear you sing. No wife here wants her husband to serenade her. People would ask why she married that...

Too much donation asking. You even ask people for donations in quarantine... They can't give donations in quarantine. With unclean money...
Why the Aliyah envelopes? People don't use envelopes anymore. They make donations online... Then we should give them the shul's web address... Yes. On Shabbis. When else, Bernie?... It's a web address. It's not a physical address. You can tell people where that is. We don't have to worry about security at the web address. We don't need to put in 500k for a decent firewall...

Be pure. Give to the shul. Give clean money... Money should be run through the laundry after you’ve touched it with all your sneezing in the back to the shul there... Lashon Hara makes people sneeze. Contamination...
It’s like an affliction of sneezing. And then I have to clean my clothes... Handkerchiefs are not pure. They’re Tamei. Not Tahor... Well. Handkerchiefs are disgusting...

Well, the bookcase is in shul. So, it costs more. It’s the space you’re paying for...
Of course. You donate stuff that is already here. It was donated before. Now you redonate. It’s called a redonation... It's where you take away the donation that was there before. And the shul gets more money... I need a raise...
You can donate anything. The shul will take money for anything... How are we going to put a plaque on Samantha's hat?... Money makes things uncontaminated. A donation has the power to give somebody who does not keep the laws of Shabbat an Aliyah... It's how the law works Bernie...

I agree. Dinner of Fun makes no sense. It’s a fundraising dinner. Who’s giving money? Eight-year-olds?...
A fun house is impure. Burn it. We need a pure fundraising event with old people... Because they give money...
Younger crowd? Young people don't give money... Young couples give nothing...
The Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse.

It's all here. So much Lashon Hara to be spoken about. The dumb decisions of the president of this shul. The handkerchiefs. The dumb donation ideas. The Dinner of Fun to raise 400K... It doesn't mean you have to speak Lashon Hara about the board and the stupidity. You therefore must atone by cleaning within you the stuff you spoke Lashon Hara about... You shave, because you spoke about somebody's bad hair. Either that, or you look disgusting...

Be pure. Donate in a way of immersion. Immerse into the donations to the shul. Most of all. Make it all make sense. Give a lot of money...

The message of our Parsha is that no matter how Tamei you are. No matter how messed up of a congregation you belong to. No matter how many people speak Lashon Hara about your dumb ideas of Funtime Dinner Night for adults. You have to clean your clothes... Put up a load every once in a while. Otherwise, you're Tamei.
And a happy Yom HaAtzmaut... It's the 5th of Iyar today. And you have a Tamei mind. Not thinking about Israel.

Rivka's Rundown
I so respect our rabbi and his ability to turn any speech into an appeal.
Beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut sermon. I thought the rabbi was going to appeal on behalf of Israel at the end there. But he was focused on his messed-up congregants who he said are too contaminated to be allowed into Israel. I think the rabbi left Israel out of his speech, because the congregation is so messed up. He also doesn't want to lose any money to Israel. To quote the rabbi, "Israel at least has Jews who care, and give their rabbi a raise."

They're so worried about security, the president made the staff bring in a cyber-security team to make sure nobody can find our address. Now, nobody can find the shul, because it's not listed anymore. And nobody can find out when Minyin is, because they can't find the web address.
Security has kept people from showing up to programs. They still don't tell people where or what is going on, for security reasons. And what are they worried about the internet for? Nobody will want to steal the shul's debt, brought on by the Funhouse Fundraiser.

The Parsha is just making fun of bald people. Bald people and people who dress with stains. Either that or Tzara'at.
Baruch is bald and trying to meet a woman. It's a turnoff. All the girls see is a bald four-year-old in their future. Stanley's wife, Nechama, blamed him for their baby coming out of the womb bald. In the birthing unit, she started yelling, "Our baby has no hair because of you. A bald little six pounder." I didn't like the idea of calling the kid a six pounder. When I usually order a six pounder of brisket.
Come to think of it, I can't think of a non-bald man in our congregation.
I agree. Kirkland clothing is not the best thing to tell people about. You shouldn't advertise you purchased your clothes at the grocery.
The sermon started with a whole discussion about how very white people should not be made fun of. Nor should bald people. The rabbi had to explain the difference between Tumah, impurity, and ugly people. The rabbi's main point was the board is contaminated.
It took the rabbi a while to explain how Lashon Hara makes you smell bad. I respect him. He didn't give up on it. He had a concept. Nobody understood it. And he kept with it.

Some of our congregants sneeze a lot. Disgusting. Since COVID, sneezing has finally been accepted as disgusting and reason to quarantine people.

Truth is the last Gabai was just scared. He got attacked for giving an Aliyah once. He thought he was calling up somebody to the Torah. The next thing he knows, he's getting attacked and Moishie is screaming at him, “You called the wrong Balabas again. I’m going to beadle your face.”
Balabas is a Baal Habayit. The head of a household who likes to complain about the rabbi and attack the Gabai.

The Aliyah envelopes are such a scam. Once I saw that, I knew they were trying to get money any way possible.


Donating to the shul is something I'm now having a hard time with. A bookcase is $80. Shul donation, the bookcase is 10k.
The shul is just scamming as much money as possible.
And then it appears they can just drop it for a new one. If there were time commitments, like donation warranties, I would think about doing it. But they'll just get rid of my bookcase and replaque it. If I'm getting a bookcase, I want a lifetime warranty on it. Ikea gives a warranty for eighty-dollars.
It's like a bad dentist, replaquing stuff. They're saying they messed up the first time with the Goldbloom family, and nobody should remember Howard Goldbloom and the two-million-dollars the Goldbloom family donated to the Torah covers.
A bookcase is all I can afford. That's a pathetic thing to donate. Even the tablecloth is more than the bookcase. You donate a bookcase, that's the kind of thing you don't put your name on. You put your name on a building. Maybe an ark. It's Gd's ark, but you put your name on it when you have the money. As the rabbi taught in his sermon, money is pure. If you give enough money, it's your ark. The board will replaque and redonate it. If you give enough money, the Torah is yours too. Given by Moshe. But in our shul it's given by Yankel Simchovitz.
The shul is even having people donate programs. Donate youth groups. Donate a baseball game. Donate something that has nothing to do with Judaism.
They found a way to put on plaque on youth groups. Brilliance. And we have no youth. Some say we have youth. We have children. Youth are kids that care about their Judaism.
Samantha's hat is huge. Very true. You can fit a plaque on it. It might even be bigger than the bookcase. I should donate the hat.

And the Dinner of Fun is $280. I am going to go to Playhouse Funhouse for $15.

The rabbi banned handkerchiefs. He said they are Tamei, due to the disgusting amounts of sneezing in the shul.

Let us finish off the trilogy of antisemitism, with more Jewish hate. Today we shall speak of the anti-Semites on campus. The dangerous ones. The college students. When they study and get degrees they become more dangerous.
 
College Student Anti-Semites
They're studying at university. They don't have a choice. They want to pass.
Professors are giving lectures on how to attack Jews on the quad correctly, with peace signs. Giving courses on how annoying Yarmulkes are. With sections on the moral clarity of why rape and hostage taking are fine if it's against Jews. Jews Should Die: A Historical Perspective 101.
If college students want to graduate with honors, they have to express their hatred of Jews. They must learn to conjugate "Zionist" properly. And that means with the right tone of hate that expresses the fault of the "Zionist" for the deaths in Liberia. The killings in Iraq? Jewish. Armenian genocide? The Jews. Yemen? It was the Jews. If the Jews weren't kicked out or murdered, Muslims would not be killed.
Ivy League schools have created a curriculum for those who haven't been to Israel, called Hating a Place You've Never Been To: A Philosophical Perspective to Hating Jews.
I would do so good at Harvard nowadays. I would ace every test.

Jews are Educated Anti-Semites
Knowing stuff really gets people hating you. Did you ever run into a know it all?! It's this whole thinking education is important that has everybody hating us. If we just stopped learning, and stopped doing all this studying where we end up creating stuff and getting Nobel Prizes, people would love us. If we were just dumber. If we just gave less to society.
Then, the educated Jewish professors are the ones educating the anti-Semites to hate educated Jews.
A Shayla: If it wasn't for Jewish education, what would happen to antisemitism on college campuses?

The Jew Hater that Sleeps in a Tent
They make their point by sleeping outside and making signs. This shows their hatred of Jews by refusing to get a job.
These anti-Semites beat COVID by sleeping in tents. They also took down Donald Trump with the tents. And they are now taking down Israel with tents. How? By making their point and sleeping outside. Sleeping under the stars is something an American will not do, unless if they're very mad about something.
This is why I stay away from homeless people. I don't know if they hate Jews or not.

The COVID Protesters
Somehow, they're protesting Jews and still wearing masks. I don't know how COVID became part of the plight of the anti-Semite.
Due to their war on COVID, which they are still fighting, they protest Jews by wearing masks. Watch out for these anti-Semites, they are very mad and very violent. They might even be sitting next to you in Economics And How Jews Took All Your Money 201.

The Anti-Ben Shapiro
They just like arguing with Ben Shapiro.

The Student Union
Still not serving Kosher food. A bunch of anti-Semites.

Fifty-Year-Old College Students
Why these universities are all the sudden taking in students after retirement. Freshman at fifty, who never finished high school. And then they don't even give them dorms. Forcing them to sleep on the grass. In tents.

The Drive-by Anti-Semites
They drive-by and beep. These are the worst. You know they truly hate Jews. They're definitely not beeping me because I’m hot.
The first time I got beeped on Shabbat I thought somebody in the car was checking me out. Then I noticed the three-hundred pound bald guy and realized I had just finished taking down four pounds of Kugel the night before.

To my college students. We have to be tough. As a Jew, don’t let these anti-Semites scare you. Even if they're a fifty-five-year-old college student living on the quad, who has never attended a class. Keep strong. Fight back. Wear that Kippah, or Yarmulke if you’re not religious, and get them mad.
My dad A"H was tough. I will never forget when the neo-Nazis were on the side of the road yelling stuff at us on the way to shul. Stuff like "Jew." Never call a Jew a Jew. Especially when that Jew is my father. It's just offensive to call a Jew a Jew. To this day, it bothers me as a Jew when people don't call me Christian.
My father started chasing them, yelling, "One day you're going to work for my son." I will never forget that. The toughness. Willingness to stick up for his Jewish people who others called Jews. I also remember asking my father, "Isn't that why they hate us?"

And you know what gives us the right to be tough. Israel. The Zionists. Calling Jews who support and love Israel Zionists is offensive. It just hurts.

Culture is thine people. Since the Babylonians, the Greeks and thine Romans got involved we have been dispersed around the world. We have found ourselves in Israel, and in different countries, where our people have learned to make decent brisket. It is now that our people, oh the dispersed, have come home, and thus we speaketh of the immigrant. Oh. How thine people reimmigrantasize.

They speak Hebrew in the Holy Land. Need I say more? They also speak Russian, French, English, Yiddish, Mandarin. It really depends on where you’re from. They also speak Hebrew.
Oh. How I love thee and thine languages that are not Hebrew. Thy citizeneth who identify as Israelis who don't speak Hebrew.
Oh. Thine American who doesen'tith abandoneth their English. Keepeth strong in thine will notith speaking Hebrew.

There’s an Israeli law that every third song on the radio has to be Israeli, in order to interrupt the good songs with songs that speak to the Neshama. Thine soul.
Oh. Thine Israeli radio. Thy doesn'th have English songs playing all day, as thusith would maketh Israel feel too much like Russia.
Oh. How I love thine music that is not English. You giveth songs that toucheth the soul, that I don'teth understand.

Thanks to the strong religious influence, we have Chasidic songs on the radio. Each Chasidic song has the lyrics of “yay nay nay.” so that everybody can sing along.
Oh. Thine religious songs playeth during the week. How I misseth Shabbat on Tuesdays, until I hear thine radio with Shwekey topping thine charts.
Oh. How I love thee and thine religious songs and the chance thou allowest me to singeth along, in confidence I understand wateth happeneth. It is these words that I know, remindeth me I do understandeth Hebrew. Yay Nay Nay Nay.

We have Israeli food such as falafel, shwarma and pizza. Which Israel created.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Borscht and thine Schav. Gold's, thine our a brand. A brand and a family. Oh. How thine kibe. Thine croussants thou takes credit for. Some pizza ist created in Italy, as we give our Italinia reimmigrantized credit for pizza too. Though, thou knowest pizza is Israeli. Oh. Chinese food. Thou hast notith moved to Israel, but ure people have brought thine foodeth from thine Diaspora. Chinese Foodeth that iseth Israeli.

Sports is everywhere. We even have athletes that came from America so we can compete in thine EuroLeague.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Israeli athletes that did not make the NBA.

To Israeli immigrants everywhere. Thank you for opening up falafel shops.
Oh. Thine Diaspora, where thine Israelis who never cooked openeth restaurants of Israeli cuisine. Where a salad of cut vegetables is called Israeli.
Oh. How thy introduced the world to the untucked shirt.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from Israelis, to liveth with Israelis.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from immigrants.

***The adding of the "eth" to the end of the word makes it biblical. And thuseth more meaningfuleth. Poetic.

Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder.
 
We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish.
 
We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter.
Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it.
 
We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin.
 
Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah."
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon...
The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now...

Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today...
Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion.

When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie...
When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines.
We may not fully grasp the spiritual command...

We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical...
Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!!
And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so...

And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul.
How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree...
There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight...
You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk...

I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation.
Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense...

Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved.
We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves...

Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you...

No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?!
I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box.
We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah.
Do they toss it before they send it out?!
I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok...
The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah.

And the only one who gets it is Shloimi.
I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down.
There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there...

I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion...
Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by...

Rivka's Rundown
What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death.

"We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical.

Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual.
I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people.
She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify.

Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation.

Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks.

The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies.

Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great.
We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section.

The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board.

How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers.
Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars.

Yesterday we discussed the full array of anti-Semites. There are more. There are more anti-Semites than all of the anti-Semites.
I always knew people hated us. I didn't know they hate us this much. Over the past year and a half I've taken notice of how so many people hate Jews.
The thing is not all anti-Semites are the same. There are many different kinds of anti-Semites. I've analyzed their hatred. They all hate Jews. But they hate us in different ways. Each anti-Semite is unique, and that should be celebrated.
They all hate us. And that means Jews never lived in Israel. And Jews have always owned everything. Everything, except Israel. And Jews run the newspapers that say Jews never lived in Israel.
Today, let's focus on some of the Israel hating anti-Semites.

Anti-Israel Anti-Semites
These Jew haters are mad Israel has Jews. These anti-Semites especially hate the Israeli Druze. To quote my coworker, "Druze, Jews. What's the difference." That guy also blamed us for the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic.
There is truth to every joke.

We Support You Anti-Semites
These anti-Semites love Jews, they just want all the ones they don't know to die.
These anti-Semites say they love Israel. They just don't want Jews living there, and they want them to be thrown into the sea. Hence, they are proJews.
Until all this hatred of my people, I always thought getting thrown into water is a bunch of fun. That's how camp will mess you up. For the sake of our future, our children, and all the antisemitic Jewish summer camp counselors, I propose counselors stop throwing Frum campers into the water. It looks wrong.

The Jews Run the World Anti-Semites
They claim we run everything, including the airlines that won't fly to Israel.
We've shut these anti-Semites up with arguments like, "If you hate the Jews and Israel, don't use your computer. Jews created all that stuff. We put together the computer chips. Don't read the newspaper. We run those. And don't travel. We own the airlines too. And don't even think about using your bank... Exactly. Jews!!! And we also created SodaStream. And we own technology." So, we've dealt with that argument.
 
Terrorists
These ones are actually trying to kill us. Actively. Every day.
I don't want to definitively call the terrorists anti-Semites. They may like us. They're just trying to kill us because they need to support their families somehow.

Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters
These ones are real angry Jews are defending themselves. Hence, the human rights violation of Jews living.
October 7th truly got these anti-Semites going, bothered that Jews are still around. These anti-Semites are rightfully fighting for the right to rape Jewish women.
The Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters do not have it easy, with Jews living in this world. My liberal Jewish friend shared that we should be considerate of their feelings too.

Jews Didn't Create Falafel Anti-Semites
They only say this because they hate us.
Some even have the Chutzpah to say they don't like Marzipan rugulach. Who would say that, but an anti-Semite. A Jew hater.

The We Want to Kill You Anti-Semite
I would try to avoid these ones. They want to kill you.
These Jew haters will look at you. They may even curse you. As soon as they say they want to kill you, maybe start walking the other way. Check the pockets. Make it look like you forgot something. That’s just a suggestion. Maybe you can power walk to the other grocery store.
There are also the nonviolent anti-Semites who attack Jews. Be careful out on the streets. The nonviolent ones are the most dangerous.

There are so many more anti-Semites out there. For instance, the guy at Wender's Hardware, down the block, was charging $45 for an adapter. With prices like that, and no sale, definitely anti-Semites. And why so mach for the adapter? Mr. Wender hates Israel. I know it.
And then there is the anti-Semite actor who hates Jews because they are an actor, and that means they have to hate Israel. And then there is the Israeli in Hollywood who finally decided that they don't want to act anymore, saying they support their family. And then there is the Israeli's family that is mad at their idiot child who is not making as much money anymore.

​I want to thank all of our anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel.

There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews.

The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite
They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated.
I think that makes sense.

The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite
This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded.

Works With Jews Anti-Semite
Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews.
They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter.
All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat.

Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite
He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders.
Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people.

Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite
They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger.
This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts.
You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews."

The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite
This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out.

The I Have a Jewish Friend
These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too."
The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate.
Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers.

The I Have a Jewish Neighbor
That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges.

Jews
Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul.

Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite
That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves.

The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher
They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living.
Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business.

The Jewish Landlord
They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live.
Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews.

Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite
That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew.
Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money.
Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!"
The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish."

The Will Not Look Anti-Semite
They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze.
To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites.
No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man."

The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite
These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts.

The I Live in America Anit-Semite
These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens.
Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore.

Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites
They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!"
Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything."

The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite
These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals.
We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to.

The Whisper Past Anti-Semite
They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews."
I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals.
This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you.

Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans.
Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger.

Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat.
Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate.

We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris.
 
Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi.
 
Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there.
 
Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?!

(Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???!
Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated...

Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back...
It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly.
People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day...

Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that.

Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative...

Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder...
Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your...
How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons.
We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo.
You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now.

You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son...

Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz...
Is everybody back.
Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned...
It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah.

How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce...

It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too...
Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time...

If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting...
(Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul.
If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership.

That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark!
It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job...
There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan.

Rivka's Rundown
Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together.

They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?”
After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon.

The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them."

I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder.
I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp.

Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah.

Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran.

The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing.

The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels.
Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved.

The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima.
They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul.
This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety."

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. 
Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions.

Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early.

The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that.

Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin...

(Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards....
There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy...

Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody.
The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens.

You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community...

So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together...
We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism.
I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie.
I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition...

People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition.
People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening...

You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody.
The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast...

Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed...
The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood.

We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder...
You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace....

We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood.
You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it...
This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it.

The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good.
Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned.

The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him.

Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him.
He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing.

The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. 

Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked.
The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown.

Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow.
I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her.
They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life.

I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive.

The goal before Pesach is to get rid of all Chametz. There is a positive commandment to clear your house of Chametz and to worry about it for a good half a year.
Now that we’ve discussed shpritzes as we did last year, it's time to discuss other methods of cleaning and getting rid of Chametz before Pesach. You must shpritz everything. Nonetheless, there are other aspects of cleaning that might work for you. Here are some of them.

The Worry Technique
You should be worrying about cleaning. The is the first step in cleaning. Worry. This includes daily discussions with your spouse about what you're going to do. The focus should be on what has not been done. In conversation form it is, "What are we going to do?!!!!!"
The first thing you need is time. You need to spend at least three months cleaning for Pesach to do it correctly. And you need to worry. Any moment of non-movement should be of concern. You should've started worrying right after Sukkot. That should give you enough time to plan the vacuuming of the living room.
The Overworry Technique is used by many as a hint that you want to go to a hotel for Pesach and sell your home. Even if that means selling your home at pennies on the dollar, at fifteen dollars.

The Eating Technique
This method of cleaning is good for those who don't like throwing stuff out and don't care about weight. Those who understand that no matter how much they take off, Pesach will add forty pounds. And that's from one box of Matzah.
Eating whatever you can, also helps with ridding your home of past due date items. If you're willing to consume cake from 2019, then now is the time to finish off the Green's Babka. Still tastes amazing. The 2006 mandel bread might've come hard, which is confusing when it's still hard and stale twenty years later. No matter how hard it is, that doesn't make it is kosher for Pesach. Even if it has a Matzah-like texture.
This is also a good chance to find some use for the Mishloach Manot. The Purim gift baskets with lemon wafers and poppy seed Hamentashen that your friends baked by accident. Which somehow ended up by you.
We do suggest to not shpritz your pastries with the lemon shpritz, even if it looks tasty with that lemon on the bottle. We cannot vouch for the Kashrut of toxins.
 
The Children Technique
You had children for a reason. Use them. Use the children to mop the floor. This method of cleaning makes it a family experience, and helps save money. It also goes well with grounding due to Pesach preparation anger.
I'm not saying to flip over a child and scrub. Get them to mop the floor for you. This is a good chance to finally get your unhelpful children to clean. At Jewish schools, they will learn about the importance of getting rid of Chametz and feel a religious obligation. Take advantage of this by telling them stuff is Chametz. You can practice now: "The mantel is Chametz, Dust it." "The chair needs a shine, it is Chametz. Shpritz it for Pesach." "Your room is Chametz. Fold your pants and put them in the drawer. And shpritz them for crying out loud."
I grew up thinking that windows had to be cleaned because there might be Chametz on the glass. I never ate off a sliding glass door, but I felt like I was doing a positive commandment by using blue spray on them. I also mowed the lawn a few times, thinking "grass that is shorter is not considered Chametz." I cut the grass and then sprayed it down.
 
Throw Stuff Out Technique
This includes all the art your kids brought back from school this year. Just tell them it's Chametz. I'm trying to help. It will make you all feel better when you get rid of the paper mache. The drawing of the family is Chametz. The fact that your child views you as a stick is enough of a reason to put it in the Chametz pile.
And the macaroni necklace, disgustingly ugly. Business in these Jewish day schools is down when you have to start making fine jewelry out of pasta. If they made macaroon necklaces, that would be beautiful and Kosher for Pesach.
I used this technique right after I got Mishloach Manot from the Schwartzmans. I took the poppy seed Hamentash and threw it in the trash. Right in front of them. And I told them I also make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to throw stuff out. As a Jew, recycling is not your concern. Mitzvahs are your concern. And there is a Mitzvah to use disposable dishware. At least that's one of the Passover commandments.

Right now, the fact that you're reading this and not cleaning should have you worried. If you're not worrying, you're definitely doing something wrong. And that is, not worrying.
Next time we will discuss the final steps of cleaning, which are properly done with a feather. If you're finished cleaning, you should now be worried you didn't clean enough.

Dear Dave,
Come to think of it, I made a lot more mistakes. Last time, I told you about the girl I talked to for more than five minutes, ruining any chance I had with her, and the fact that I ate. Which was a total foolish thing to do. But I couldn't control myself around brisket.
I've been writing you a lot lately. But I need to get these thoughts off my chest and onto somebody else. Thank you for being that guy. I need to work through them somewhere. Need your feedback buddy. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong people at these singles Shabbatons.
 
Here's where the mistake started. I sat with guys. My biggest mistake of the weekend. Sitting with guys will bring you down. Kill your game. Once I sat at the guy table the good energy vibes was gone. It was guys I was sitting with. The weekend was downhill from there.
Nobody wants to be around guys. They are depressing. But after thirty-six hours at the Shabbaton, asking girls where they come from, guys were the only ones willing to talk to me. Maybe I have to come up with more questions, like "what are your hobbies." Girls like that.
It brought me down. Sitting with single guys will bring anybody down. Especially when it's the guys who gave up. I noticed guys coming over. It was a pattern. A guy sees a girl, walks over to her, other guy starts talking to her, he has nowhere to go, he sees the guy table, he comes to the guy table, tries to start a conversation, nobody responds, he takes a seat, understands the weekend didn't work out, looks around, notices food, gets more of it, comes back, stains his shirt, stays at guy table.

They were all trying to look cool. Sitting with a bunch of dudes who had been rejected, looking cool. It takes a lot of self-belief to pull that. Strategizing. Each one was trying to figure out how to make their way out of the guy table, trying to figure out how to make the move they forgot to make fifteen years ago.
It's a messed-up conversation where the word "so" pops up every half minute. You sit there with these guys scoping the room while licking the T-bone and your hands, saying "so" and looking cool by not talking to women. After a half hour of "so," I am walking around believing my future is relegated to these guys that haven't had a conversation since they saw Chana Leah across the room fifteen years ago.
The only positive here is that I've made some guy friends over the years of Shabbaton attendance. I see the same guys at each of the events. All now seventy years of age. At least the seventy-year-olds know how to enjoy their food.
I'm beginning to think these Shabbatons don't work for everybody.

Then I saw guys from camp. I have to stay away from these people. So many people I don't like. Why people become counselors when they can get a job mowing lawns for the summer still baffles me. Why do I need to see my past everywhere I go?
I don't need my past creeping up on me like that. I don't need memories of my underwear on a flagpole when I'm courting a woman. If I'm going to meet a woman, it needs to be information from within the past three months, that I've been working on myself.
Is the only way out to convert? Do I have to go to Muslim Mixers? If I converted, I might get stoned, but Jewish girls would like me. The problem is America. I see these people in America. I've got to run away from these camp people. It's Israel. I've got to get back to Israel to get away from Jews.

Then I went back to conversing with women. I shouldn't have done that. That's how you kill a singles weekend. I should never share my thoughts around the opposite sex. Not a good idea. My thoughts as a guy will kill any chance at relationship.
The guys at the table killed all my vibes. I started sharing my real thoughts. She doesn't need to know my thoughts on marriage and where to send the kids to school, until I meet her mother and her mother tells us what we're going to do. If we send the kids to Jewish day school, her parents will be paying. I shouldn't have mentioned that part either. But sitting with the guys messed me up.
They ask questions. That's a trick. They don't want answers. Though she asked about camp, the underwear on the flagpole story was not a good idea.
And then I said I thought she was cute. Stupid. Never tell a girl you're attracted to her. They want guys who are not into them.
A woman should not know I have thoughts until marriage. One day, when I come home, I'll let her know I want to hang out with guys. Get some smokehouse and look cool. But I won't tell her that till marriage. Otherwise, there is no chance we're getting married.
You're married Dave. Did you talk to your wife before you got married?

Next time I go to a social event, I'm staying away from people.
From now on, I'm only going to singles weekends where there are no girls I've dated. They know about me. And no modern orthodox Jews from New York. I don't need my past following me everywhere go. I'm also staying away from elementary school friends. I did some crazy stuff in second grade. I don't need a pencil up my nose keeping me from my Bashert again.
LSimchas,
David

Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season.
 
The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul.
Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie.
 
We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears.
We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service.
They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi.
(Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse...
That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you...

(Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max.
Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul.
Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you...

What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money...
Why the baseball game? It’s March.

You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong.
How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place...

Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that.
I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew...
Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed...

Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing.
You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas...

What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work...
H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing...
Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA?
Hence. Not blessed...

I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading...
No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing...
Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit...

Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy
Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed.

Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?...
No blessings for you.

H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed.

Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition...
It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding…
There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar...

Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building...

I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it.
I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless.
Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes.

We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake.
It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint.

Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired.
The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale.

This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling.

Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you.
People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected.

Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife.

A man should get married at 18, maybe 20. After 20 his bones swell up (Kiddushin 29b). You have no chance after you put on weight. Girls aren’t attracted to the big guy with a personality, walking around with swelled up bones… They used to call it “fat boned” two thousand years ago. That was before they learned about visceral fat. They would say, “Their bones got bigger.” It was a nice way of saying they’re over twenty years old.
 
To fulfill the Mitzvah of Mishloach Manot, one must give two food or drink items to one person, that you received from somebody else and don't want... or hundreds of Halloween leftovers and bottles of thimble sized Johnnie Walker. Or poppy seed Hamentashen, because they're disgusting and you also don't like them.
 
We learn in the Megillah that you must give Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts to poor people, on Purim. Tradition is to give this money through an organization, so the poor people don’t find out it was you. They find out it was you, they start asking you for stuff.
Let Od Yosef Chai deal with the poor people. Give your money to Od Yosef Chai. Never let poor people know you give charity. Always let them think you're stingy. Otherwise, you will make friends. And friends need money. Better idea. Give the money to Od Yosef Chai the organization through a friend. Organizations will find you before the poor people. And they have calendars. Just trying to help. The point is to never let anybody know you have money.]

One shouldn’t just mumble words without thought or meaning behind them. Makes no sense. What is one to do for Tefillah?! And yet, we’re required to pray every day.
Confusing… I can tell you that I pray three times a day and I space out every time, like a good Jew. But I say the words correctly. Fast, indistinctly and real quiet.

Note from editor: Rabbi David felt it was important to stay away from sources this month. When asked what his sources were, he said "Chazal." Which means he has no idea.

Dear Dave,
I did good at the singles weekend. I met some women, got phone numbers, and they rejected me by phone. But I made some mistakes on the weekend. And naturally, some of this stuff will hurt your game and bring you down.
I made rookie mistakes. When you've been single for as long as me, you should know how to work a Shabbaton. You should know how to strut your suit and Shabbis walking shoes.
This is what I did and why some stuff doesn't work out. If you have any advice, please let me know. It won't hurt more than the girl calling me a creep.
 
I Met Her Too Soon
I met a girl in the beginning of the weekend. At that point, I knew I had no chance. I only have fifteen minutes of game. There were two more days after that. That's forty-eight hours. I can't hold attraction for forty-eight hours. I had already run out of questions about where she grew up and what she does for a living. What do you do after that?
I turned into a stalker real fast. Real fast when they don't want to talk to you. The whole Shabbaton she's now asking, "Why is this guy still here. Why is this guy following me to all these programs."
By Saturday morning, after saying "shalom" for the eighth time, I was now creepy. Romantic turned creepy. By the time Sunday rolled around, she'd met a dozen girls I've dated, and they confirmed I was creepy.

Too Much Energy
I gave so much positive energy. Too much in the beginning.
Goes great for fifteen minutes and then she finds out I've run out of questions about where she's from. Twenty minutes later she hears I'm a rabbi who does comedy. Now, I have no chance. And my material on being single does not help the stalker cause. Especially the stuff about the date that went bad, when I started knocking on her door and her parents said they were going to call the police if I show anymore affection.
I should've left the Shabbaton right after we met. I should've kissed the three-hundred-fifty-dollars goodbye. I would've had a chance if she never saw me again.
I have to get good at not putting out any energy. Just got to sit there, not talk and look cool with my Yarmulke covering my bald head.

I Ate
I can't eat at these things. I'm disgusting. The amount I eat, that will turn off any girl. Guys are disgusted by me.
I focus on food. When I see food, I devour. It's a gorging process done with hands. And it was good food. Which meant I went up five times. The girls know I went up five times. They're counting. They're trying to figure out if there's a reason I'm not buttoning the double-breasted suit. Wearing a double-breasted suit and trying to date girls under sixty is another rookie mistake.
I get involved with food. I see it and I lose myself in it. If you looked up for a second, you would've noticed the look of the girl trying to figure out why this guy is eating steak with his hands licking his fingers at a single weekend.
I put on 20lbs by Saturday morning. Worst time to have a singles event. Food around and it's over for me. A woman should never know I eat. I should go on these things and starve. My two-hundred-thirty-pounds should be an anomaly. They should be asking how this guy got so heavy without eating. At least they wouldn't see me walking around with choolante grease on my shirt Saturday afternoon.

You end up hitting yourself for this stuff. Next time, I'm not making any moves till I'm out of there. I'm going to show up, not eat, not talk. I'm going to leave before any of the girls talk to me and I'm going to go hungry. That's my only chance of meeting a woman and making it happen. And I'm wearing a husky single-breasted suit. And I'm not going to tell the girls it's a husky suit. Girls are not attracted to husky.

If any girls do talk to me, I'm pulling out a timer. Fifteen minutes and I'm out. I see her at another event, there will be no hellos. Unless if I'm at the fourteen minute mark and I have another minute of game in me.
I think I'm ready to meet my Bashert now.
LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot.

We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta.
Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues."
 
We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel.
Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul.

(Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help...
Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron...
We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes...

Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim...

The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart.

(Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place...
Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King...
Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!...

The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section...

What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants...
It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale...

Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants...

Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls.

Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t.
The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry.

The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge.
By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. 
How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it.

The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent.

The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi.
The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes.
His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis."

They were picking pumpkins, but ended up catching lagenaria. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lagenaria is a gourd too, but it sounds like a disease. They caught it. The gourd must’ve fallen. Just threw you another pun there. You saw "caught"? Fallen, and caught a disease? Though, lagenaria is not a disease. Education of produce is also important to us here at The Kibbitzer.
 
If you forget Tu BShvat, there’s always Three BShvat. (Mordechai)
You get it? He misunderstood. Tu Bshvat is the 15th of Shevat, which is the New Year of the Trees. Not the 2nd. He thought it meant "two." So he said "Three BShvat." It should be Taz BShvat. Not “three.” "There is always Taz BShvat." That should be the pun.

They put out a movie about an ox that ran over a guy. It was a gory movie. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Oxen gore. Movies can be gore. The Parsha talks of an ox that gores. A horror film about a goring ox is our idea. A Halachikly sound horror film that educates.

In the desert, after they prayed, the Jews hung out at the Tavernacle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Mishkan was the Tabernacle. We took out the “b” and put in a “v.” Tavern. That word is there, in "Tavernacle." Other people went to the MidBar. You get it? Midbar is desert in Hebrew. Bar. "Bar" is part of the word. (Mordechai said he goes to the MidBar- each pun artist drinks at their own place)
 
What’s a cat’s favorite holiday? Purr-im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Cats purr. The beginning of Purim is “Pur.” We added an extra “r” to make the pun work. We don’t know what to do with the “im” part. But the pur is there. Puns are meant to be meaningful, even if you don't finish them.

What do you call Purim pastry somebody sat on? Hamentushin. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s Hamentashin. But the guy sat on it, so it’s “tushin.” Tush jokes are great.
 
I want to open a petting zoo for miniature llamas. Lama Lo. (Mordechai)
You get it? Llamas. Lama means "why" in Hebrew. Lama Lo means "why not." Brilliance. And llamas are funny. They are truly funny. Why? I don't know. Llama? They just are. If you want to understand our puns, you should learn Hebrew. A little Musar for those of you who love puns.