Baby naming this week by the Greenbaum family has everybody mad. It appears that everybody in the shul thought the Greenbaum’s new daughter should’ve been named after them. They chose to name their child after one of their family members, and for that, they want to apologize.
 
The rabbi encourages all to go to the breakaway Minyin. To quote the rabbi, “I can’t stand you. Please go to the Mitzkin Minyin.”
 
Chesed Opportunities: Visit Merwin. The guy is sick. He can’t move. He can’t talk. He’s probably the only one that won’t complain having to listen to you, Bernie.
 
Halacha Classes: How To Get Everybody Mad by Naming Your Child After Somebody. Breakaway Minyins- A History of How They Started and How Much Your Rabbis Can’t Stand Having to See Congregants. Why Visiting People Who Are Sick is More Useful Than Playing Bridge. Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Everybody in our community thought the Greenbaum girl should be named after them. They’re not even family. But they all feel they're important in the Greenbaum's life, as they have been there to eat at every Kiddish the Greenbaums have sponsored. 
Turns out the extended family was also mad about the baby naming. They said they named the girl after their great grandmother. The name made its way into the baby’s third name. That’s not even the middle name.
Some families do the family member's name as the middle name, so they never have to call the kid by the ancestor’s name. And they are also able to say that Rivka was named after Grandma Basya. How? I do not know.
Basya made her name into Bat Chen. Somehow, Rivka Chaya Bat Chen is named after Basya. No idea. Somebody is pulling the wool over the grandparent's eyes.
Is Bat part of Basya? Is that how their selling it? "We named our daughter after grandma by calling her the daughter of my wife." And that's why you disown family.
Who's Rivka? "A name we really liked." So, you're saying that you hate everybody's names in the family. All the people named after Grandma Basya have a horrendous very ugly name.
 
The rabbi loves the breakaway Minyin. He signed for five more years, and he doesn’t want the congregants to show. Any question he gets now, he says, “Go to the Mitzkin home for services.”
The rabbi is fine if there's no Minyin now. As long as the membership of the shul is not showing up to shul, he's happy.

It's amazing how people only visit people who are feeling good. They only visit people who are relaxing, watching TV. They only visit people who they can interrupt. People that don't want to see them. They think they're doing a favor, interrupting their friend's enjoyment.
They don't visit anybody sick. Sick people, who can't move, who can use a visitor. Somebody popping by to scratch them. A visitor to do Bikur Cholim, talk a little and scratch their back. 
Merwin needs visitors. He can't move right now, so bridge is out of the question. But somebody can scratch for him.
Since COVID, people don't visit the sick. Since COVID, the Mitzvah is to be selfish.
You would think Bernie would at least visit Merwin. To have an audience that can't complain about him talking too much. That's a dream for the older members of our shul. They talk, I don't listen, I show frustration. Merwin can't even move his mouth to show that he wants them to shut up and scratch the back of his arm.
I've started scratching people in nursing homes. They truly appreciate it. They come to Bingo, you can see they can barely move their chips onto the "o" row. There is no way they can reach their back. Sometimes, I scratch their knee. I have a feeling most elderly falls happen because people get a toe itch. They try to reach and there's the fall.
The Chesed Opportunity next week should be to go around scratching old people in nursing homes. We can get our junior congregation on that too. They're always scratching each other. 

"​Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation." I think that class was more of a statement by the rabbi. Support of the rabbi to visit the sick and for the rabbi to not have to see you, because you're annoying.

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.

Some things in life stick with you, and they're all negative. And I like sharing those experiences.
The piece of Ganev that ripped me off when I was eleven years old. He wanted my Mickey Mantle card and he wanted to trade his Mike Greenwells, and for some reason he didn't feel bad lying to me. And that's when I learned, there are jerks in the hobby, and I will hold a grudge for forty years.
This is hard to relive. Have you ever had a horrific experience that brings back bad memories that hurt to think about? Have you ever been to war? Ever been to prison? Ever broke your femur? I have to look at Mike Greenwell cards. Do you know what that feels like? To have to see Mike Greenwell cards?!

Here's the Story
It was recess and we only had fifteen minutes. That's all you get. Fifteen minutes. It's intense. Deals have to happen. That's fifteen minutes and then life is over. You're back in class, and you're dead. That's how I viewed death in elementary school. Studying. You get recess and then you die.

Earlier, on the bus on the way to school, Evan was showing me his book of Mike Greewells. A whole book of Mike Greenwell rookies. It looked glorious with all the beautiful colors. Glorious and dumb. Why would anybody need that many Mike Greewells?!
Evan was telling me how the Mike Greenwell rookie cards are rare. I was wondering how he had seventy of the rare card. How does he have all seventy ever made? How did they all end up in Rochester, New York?
I thought he had the only seventy Mike Greenwells ever made. And he confirmed he had all seventy. And I was amazed.
Turns out there were another seven million Mike Greenwell rookies made. But Evan only knew of the seventy that he had. His seventy were very rare. Nobody else had them. And that's when I learned that "rare" is a state of mind when you're ripping people off.

He buttered me up on the bus. And now it was time for 10am recess. Where deals are made and then you die.

The Deal
We're at recess, not getting exercise. I'm thinking, "I really love my Mickey Mantle card." Evan, the eighth grader is thinking, "I really love his Mickey Mantle card." Evan approaches me, and I said, "No. I think I'm going to keep the Mickey Mantle." And then came the conversation. Evan started with "Mike Greenwell is amazing." I responded with a, "Then why do you want to get rid of his cards?!" Which was a statement that seemed to make no sense to Evan. And that's when I learned that when somebody is trying to take your Mickey Mantle, logic is not part of the discussion.

And the back and forth kept going, with Evan:  
"He hit .300."
"But Mikey Mantle hit over .300 for his career."
"Mike Greenwell hits a lot of singles."
"Who cares about singles? Mickey Mantle hit home runs."
"But Mr. Greenwell focuses on singles. Anybody can hit home runs." He called Mike Greenwell, Mister. Somehow that gave more respect to his cards. I can't disrespect my elders. Mike Greenwell was now a Sir. And Mickey Mantle was never a Sir. "And you're getting seventy cards for one."
"But those cards only cost fifty cents each."
"But it's seventy of them."
"That doesn't make sense. I understand Mr. Greenwell is an excellent man. And he may have been knighted. But with all due respect, Mickey Mantle's card is very valuable."
"Look you're going to lose out on the deal if we don't do it now." Evan was an amazing negotiator. Might have been a thief. Not sure. That deflection was brilliant.
"But it's not a good card."
"But they're rookie cards."
"Rookie cards that nobody cares about. I think it's a good thing to lose out on this deal."
"It's a deal. Deals are good." Evan had a point. From what I remember, deals are good and they don't have anything to do with people taking my Mickey Mantle. "And you're getting a book."
"It's a trapper keeper." Trapper keepers were cool. A binder with Velcro. I would've given the Mickey Mantle for that book. And it had a spaceship on it.
"I'm bigger than you." "I'm bigger than you" is an excellent negotiating tactic. And then Evan added, "He's not playing anymore. That's how bad Mickey Mantle is." I couldn't argue against that. If Mickey was truly that good, he would've been playing late into his sixties. I was sold and Evan was bigger than me.

Evan then took the card. He's now smiling. Jumping for joy. I'm thinking, "This guy lied to me."
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
Evan then said the words that resonate to this day, "I'm happy for you. You ripped me off."
"Something feels off here." But it was convincing. "Why would anybody lie to me. Evan's a good guy."
And that's when I learned, I am a sucker. And people are jerks.

The Problem with Deals
I knew I shouldn't have done it. It all seemed off. He was happy.
The problem is I get caught up in the moment. You couple the older guy lying, the fact recess is almost over, and the rarity of a card that there are only seven million of, and I am now thinking, "I've got to do the deal. The teacher just called us in. I'm going to be dead in a minute."

Now Mike Greenwell was a decent hitter, and I'm sure an even better man. Mike hit over .300 with nineteen home runs. Who would've ever thought he wasn't going to be a star. We were hitting .800 in little league.
We thought he was going to be good. Ever heard of Jerome Walton? Exactly.
​And that's the problem with watching the news. He had one good game the night before the trade. I saw that. I heard Evan. I said "no" and Evan continued. And I felt like I was in a corner. And it was Topps '87. I love the design. Looks like an old card. That's how he got me. "The Mickey Mantle is an old card, but the Topps '87 card looks like an old card. And let's say Mike Greenwell ever makes it to a hundred home runs... that's the Hall of Fame right there." Who in pee wee little league ever hit a hundred home runs?!
And they were Topps. Not even '87 Fleer.

The problem is I felt like I had to do it. Evan said, "We have to trade." "Why do we have to trade? Why do I have to give away a card I love?! ​You want my good stuff. I get it."
But then I saw that recess was about to end. I knew I had to do the trade, as I was about to die. Or go back to class. It's all the same. As a child, I had a morbid view on life.

When Not to Do Deals
Don't do the deal when you hear stuff like, "This is your only chance." As I learned in my old age, you can still live past recess.
When they say, "It's rare. I am the only one who has it, along with seven million other people," it's probably not a great deal.
When somebody else is happy, don't do the deal. If you see the other guy smiling, do not do it. And definitely don't trust anybody who says, "I'm happy for you."

Later On
Now those Mike Greenwell cards are worth nothing, and I still hate Evan.
Mike Greenwell was injured for most of his career. Evan probably encouraged him to get injured. And I credit the fact that I'm in debt to that jerk in eighth grade and Mike Greenwell striking out. Every problem I have in life goes back to Mike Greenwell and Evan.

Evan ruined my trust in people. I don't trust anybody that's "happy for me."
Now I trust nobody. I go to the bakery, get a Danish, they smile at me, I know they're ripping me off. They say, "Have a good day." I scream back, "Ganev." They probably have a Mickey Mantle stashed somewhere.
​I go to the shuk. I know I'm getting ripped off. I'm sure every kiosk in the shuk has a Mickey Mantle hidden somewhere.
Evan is looking at his framed Mickey Mantle every night. Basking in the glory of me having to look at Mike Greenwells.
And every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to Gd and say, "I forgive anybody who wronged me, but the Ganev who traded me the Mike Greenwells." 

I'm still holding this in my heart. Shows how long resentment can last. 
​And I still get ripped off.

***Mike Greenwell was a great player who gave the Boston Red Sox hope. He should be Zoyche to bask in Gd's glory in Olam Haba.

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.

Lag B’Omer- a) A holiday kids celebrate in Israel by burning anything they can. This includes, trees, branches, homes. It’s not considered antisemitism. It’s a festivity. Kids start collecting objects for this holiday six months in advance. So, protect your home. Sentence: ‘Where are the cabinets? It was just here yesterday.’ Sentence 2: ‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’ Sentence 3: ‘Please put grandpa back.’ b) Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai died on this day. Therefore, kids traditionally shoot an arrow, to add to the danger of the uncontained fires.

Ima- a) A person who does everything for you. These people clean, wash your clothes, cook, listen to your complaints. Then, you get married and complain about them visiting. See Shviger for how you offensively refer to people who love you. b) The lyrics to every Mizrachi song. Full Lyrics to Mizrachi Song: “Ima. Ani Ohev Otach. Ima.”
 
Shavuis- a) A holiday people celebrate by staying up all night to learn, in commemoration of the receiving of the Torah. Sentence: ‘Mom. Shavuis is my least favorite holiday. I thought holidays meant we had off from school. Now we have classes. How is that a holiday?! I don’t like celebrating classes.’ Follow-up Sentence: ‘Why do we always celebrate stuff I hate?! The eighth-grade graduation. I hated grade school.’ b) The holiday of dairy. The Chag responsible for Blintzes, cheesecake and acid reflux.

Bachur- A young lad or anybody that’s not married. Sentence: ‘We are so proud of him. The Bachur is only 83.’ Another Sentence: ‘I am 45 years of age. Why am I sitting at the kid’s table?’ Sentence of Anger: 'My nephew just got married, so he's a nineteen-year-old man and I'm a forty-eight-year-old little child.'

Badatz- Another kosher endorsement for Israeli food, and something else to bring up the cost of Bamba. Sentence: ‘Can I trust one rabbi and save money on the peanut butter puffs?’ Alternative Sentence: ‘There are a lot of Hebrew words there. Does that mean it’s a legit Hashgacha (supervision)? The Kosher symbol has a lot of rabbis’ names. No logo. Just Hebrew. Does that make it Kosher? Does Hebrew with ovals and circles make things Kosher?’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that the idea of Shavuis is celebrated to cause him an upset stomach. His understanding of Jewish law makes our practice of Mitzvot more meaningful.

Yiddish curses are great, but some of them are getting a little dated. One of my favorites is “may you fall back onto a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.” It's brilliant. Even so, I’ve never owned a pitchfork and I don’t know if you are supposed to keep it in the kitchen. 
We all want to curse our friends and family in creative and relevant ways. It may feel hopeless, but have no fear, America’s Rebbitzman has created some modern Yiddish-style curses for you to tell off your boss, spouse, or teenage child with.

• May your Instagram feed finally get one million likes, and may it be for the post listing your shiva details.
• Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, at least none of us will have to hear you Kvetch about it.
• Success is a journey, not a destination, so may you walk a thousand miles and never make it to where you are headed.
• Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently… or in your case, with a different pair of shoes.
• May you inherit a vast art collection, and may they all be NFTs.
• May you win The Lottery.
• May your life be so adventurous as to warrant documentaries by Netflix, HULU, and Vice.
• May your fast be the hardest thing you have to do all year, and may dropping dead be the easiest.

If you truly want to get across the point, you can always say it in Yiddish. זאָל אייער פאַסטן זיין די שווערסטע זאַך וואָס איר דאַרפט טאָן דאָס גאַנצע יאָר, און זאָל אַראָפּפאַלן טויט זיין די גרינגסטע
That will get them thinking.
The harshest curse is, "May you win The Lottery." That should be reserved for someone 

​Sorry we missed Yom Yerushalayim in the announcements last week.
For all of those who are worried, there was no Shawarma at the event. 
 
For Shavuot, we will be staying up all night and talking. There will be coffee, cheesecake, ice cream. And lasagna, as the Jews had pasta with cheese at Sinai. Or so the sisterhood insists.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Learn for somebody who is too lazy to learn themselves, so they can get Schar, reward, for not trying. The Chesed can be done for any member of our shul. None of them will be staying up Shavuot night. As they need rest to be able to golf.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Celebrate Yom Yerushalayim and Other Events That Our Community Serves Falafel At. Learning Shavuot Night While People are Eating- Why It's Hard to Learn When Bernie is Chewing on Kichel. Why We Learn Torah on Shavuot and Other Ways to Not Have to Talk Politics with the Mitzkin Family. Why People Don't Show Up to Events They Don't Know About. The Jewish Anatomy and Why We Only Eat Cheese on Shavuot. How to Not Try- With Members of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The members of our shul truthfully do not care about Jerusalem, unless if it has something to do with Shawarma.
They forgot about Yom Yerushalayim in last week's announcements, and they’re wondering why nobody showed up to the program. I'm assuming nobody showed up, because nobody knew about it. 
And even if people did know about it, the new community announcements for programs go, "We're having a program. Good luck figuring out where it is." No details, due to fear of attacks.
They're worried it will be dangerous if people come, so they have the event and don't tell you where it is.
Let's focus for a second. This whole not announcing where things are doesn’t draw people. Thought that was important to note. They don’t announce where things are because of antisemitism. They're worried the Jew haters will come. So, they try to keep the anti-Semites away. It definitely keeps the Jews away.
I'm beginning to think our membership isn't allowed to know where Jerusalem is located. Due to security protocol in our shul, nobody is allowed to know where Jerusalem is, for safety reasons. 

And how do they celebrate Jerusalem Day? falafel. Always falafel. Every program that has anything to do with Israel. Falafel from Costco. How Costco falafel balls have anything to do with Israel, I don't know. I do know that it would make sense to have a lamb on a spit. Shawarma makes more sense. People love that. They could be celebrating Mexico and Jews would show for Kosher Shawarma. That's the only argument the anti-Semites have against Israel. If we had Kosher Shawarma somewhere else, our people would live there. Hence, Miami.
And if they served Shawarma at the Yom Yerushalayim event, people would come, even if they didn't know where it was. Somehow, they would find it.
If the war was over Shawarma, our members would be in Israel, fighting alongside our brothers and sisters. Enlisting in the IDF.
 
Not one mention of a class at the Shavuot program. Just food. That's what our people received at Sinai. Food. Dairy food. Blintzes.
And there was no Shavuot bulletin, as the shul office will do anything to not work. 
They didn’t announce where all night Shavuot will be. That’s probably why most of our congregants skipped the holiday.

It was a nice Shavuot program. Nobody knew where it was, but it was very nice.
It was at the shul, as that makes sense, and that's where it always is. And most of our congregants don't know where that is.
I heard most of our community did stay up all night though, as the announcements said to stay up all night, and our congregants follow announcements when the announcements don't say to learn Torah, pray, or fulfil a donation.
What did our members do all night? They ate. Our congregants prepared for the receiving of the Torah by eating. All night eating. And I know they stayed up because they didn't show up to shul for Davening Shavuot morning. The announcements didn't say where services would be.
Other communities learn Shavuot night. That's tradition. If our congregants were at Mount Sinai, they would've been eating. Looking at the golden calf and eating.
 
The learning for somebody Chesed program didn't work out. It turns out that learning for somebody else requires learning. 

Why We Learn Torah on Shavuot. Nobody came to that class on Shavuot. If they would’ve given that class before Shavuot, a few people might have come to learn on Shavuot. No class was needed to get across the message of eating cheesecake. People love cheesecake.

The only positive thing about learning Torah with members of our shul is that you don't have to listen to them talk politics, until they ask a question. Their ability to connect the Jews leaving Egypt to their hatred of Donald Trump and acid reflux.
The rabbi did have to deal with a lot of questions about why we don't have a tradition to eat Shawarma on Shavuot.

I'm beginning to think that people don't show up to places they don't know about.

Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
​
Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.

The Rama (493:2) teaches, one who has a Simcha during the Omer, such as a Bris or a Sheva Brachot, can shave. And thus we consider Yom HaAtzmaut a celebration. So that we can shave. That is how Zionism was formed.
The happiness, Simcha, of Israel’s independence is much greater than having to sit at another Sheva Brachot, where you have to hear family give more speeches. And it’s a day of festivity. Not a meal that you have to give a gift to go to- which is has a questioning if weddings are actual celebrations. And that is what is known as Psak (a Halachik ruling). And I can come up with a lot of other reasons to shave. Like my beard is itching on Yom HaAtzmaut.
Good Source- mizrachi.org/hamizrachi/do-the-customs-of-mourning-during-sefirat-haomer-apply-to-yom-haatzmaut

Rami Bar Chama (Sanhedrin 24b) says that in a game of dice the winner doesn’t have conclusive consent, that the guy is willing to give up his money, making him a thief. People are not putting down their money and saying, "Please take it. I worked a good year and a half for this. Figured playing dice was the way to go. It's fun. 150k. Why not." And therefore, he can’t be a witness. If you had those kinds of witnesses in court, the house would win every time.
Rashi teaches that the obligated party never meant to obligate himself. Thought he would win. And for this reason, he also shouldn’t be trusted in court. Because he’s an idiot.
It would appear, people don't like losing everything they own to a game of backgammon. "That was fun, and now I'm homeless. Maybe I should've thought it through. And now, let me tell you who is wrong in this case of family inheritance. Say. You play backgammon? Cards?"
Many Ashkenazim allow gambling by a game of no skill, thus permitting slot machines. You can only gamble if you’ll definitely lose your money, home, wife... If you’re willing to get taken for everything you have, you can still be a witness.
halachipedia.com/index.php?title=Gamblin

Rabbis say you can shave on Lag BOmer or right after. They don’t say, “Shave the rest of the year.” That’s why so many of my Frum friends are unkempt.
The rabbis have to be more exact in their rulings. "Shave when it's not the Omer. You should also shower the rest of the year. With Dial. It flows down the drain quite well."
 
People always ask, “Is Mother’s Day Asur?” There is drinking, gambling, and doing something kind for your parents. You should stay away from all of them.
Many rabbis say that every day is Mother’s Day. So, treat the day like every other day and honor your mother by doing nothing for her.
As a rabbi, I will say Mother’s Day is forbidden. It feels more religious to say it’s Asur, and to do nothing for your parents. I feel like a better Jew right now. Just saying something is forbidden makes me feel like I'm connecting to Gd.
Make sure Mother’s Day is not idol worship. Do not use Mother’s Day as a chance to bow down to your mom. Even if she makes the best tuna casserole.

Questions the Rabbis Have Never Been Asked: Is it OK to get drunk on Friday nights? Should I stop drinking alcohol at the Oneg? Is it a good idea to lose 150k to the casino? Am I wasting my time watching videos? Should I donate money to the Yeshiva? Does Kibud Av vEim mean I have to let my parents stay in our house?

They put a goat on his van. They wanted him to go to the Temple with a Kar-Ban. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Car. Kar-Ban. Not a car bomb. Silly. A Kar-Ban. A Karban is a sacrifice. H’ didn’t want car bombs to be brought on Pesach. Dual language puns are necessary for the fabric of our people. It wasn't a Paskal goat or Kar-bon. Nor was it carbon goatoxide that was being brought as a sacrifice. And that is another Karban pun. Todah Rabbah. Todah Rabbah is not a pun, just saying "thank you." Want to be clear.

If somebody at the Seder tells you the salt water is low in sodium, take it with a grain of salt. (Mordechai)
You get it? Salt has sodium. So, take more salt. Whatever you need to do to make the Seder more meaningful, by making things harder to eat, do it. We bring our puns to add to your Passover experience. If you’re the one who made the salt water, you can share the joy of Mordechai’s pun, while handing someone a grain of salt. When delivering puns, always ask, “What would Mordechai do?” He would give a grain of salt to the guy who was complaining.
Oh. "Take it with a grain of salt" means "don't take it to heart." Now you get the pun. Should’ve started there.
 
The Torah gives a list of birds a Jew can’t eat. Why? Because they’re foul. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Torah is talking about fowl. As in birds. We changed it to foul. As in, smells bad or disgusting. Who would want to eat foul birds. Not healthy. And we care about health at the Kibbitzer. You also don’t want to eat nonKosher fowl, that’s foul.
 
They loved traveling to southern Israel Aylot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Eilat. A lot. Eilat is the southernmost city in Israel. They liked going there a lot. “Eilat” and “a lot” sound the same. "Aylot" doesn't sound like either of them.
Aylot would be more of a pun about a lot of Lots. Maybe Lot went down to EIlat a lot for vacation when he was living in Sodom. We cannot verify that.

The rabbi told the Kahal (congregation) to give the donor Kavod. The donor yelled. “Don't. I haven't been vaccinated." (David Rubin)
You get it? COVID. Kavod means honor or respect. Kavod sounds like COVID, if you mumble it. You have to mumble a little to make this pun work.

What do people drink on the 33rd day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lager. Lag BOmer. Thirty-third day of Omer. Lag is a Hebrew acronym for thirty-three, in English. Nobody calls the holiday a Lager. We celebrate. Some drink. A lager is a style of beer. People might drink it on Lag BOmer. Not 100% sure. Lager has "Lag" in it. That works.
 
The kids were very loud, so their parents had them play Mom’s the Word. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mum’s the Word. But mom wants silence. So, it’s Mom’s the Word. A game of silence, where Mom’s the only one who can talk. Moms love the game, and it makes Moms happy.

***Note: You've learned about the importance of clarity in puns. And always mumble if you're not sure the pun will work. Be sure to mumble the Lag BOmer Lager pun.
You learned about salt water and what to do with people who complain about it. Learned about Lot's possible vacation in Eilat. It's about education here at the Kibbitzer. And never give COVID to donors.

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."

Mother's Day is coming. ​I asked local community member, Chaya Hoffbaum, what she wants. Let's hear what she would like for Mother's Day.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
Sleep. I haven't had that in twenty-two years.

So you've been raising a family on no sleep?
None at all. Had kids. Have not slept since. Twenty-two years.

How do you not sleep?
No. Idea. They started crying. That was eight years.

Just cries?
Yep. Eight years. Then they stopped crying. Since, the only words I've heard are "MOM!"

Is raising kids on no sleep responsible?
Would it be better if I ran away and abandoned the kids. Went and lived on a cruise ship. Started another family. Would it be better if I was one of the other parents in this congregation?!

Why haven't you slept?
I told you. I have kids.

What about your husband?
He gets great sleep.

How does your husband sleep?
Great. Amazing. Sprawls out on the bed. We had a guy break in. Slept right through it. Not a problem. Kids screaming. Not a problem. I have never heard the kids screaming, "DAD!"

Did you sleep before you had kids?
I had a husband.

Twenty-two-years? Not one minute of sleep?
None at all.

Does your husband help at all?
Sometimes he'll help himself to some brisket. He really likes brisket and corned beef. Shawarma. Loves pizza. He'll have extra helpings of that. He helps himself.

Adoption?
That's an option. If it will let me get sleep. Do they take husbands?
I don't know.

What do you want for your kids?
Wealth.

Why?
So they can support me.

Don't you want something else for them?
No. Ever heard about return on investment. I paid for Jewish schooling. I need something to show for that.
Before sending them to Jewish day school, I wanted them to be happy. Now I want my money back.

What about Torah?
You don't send your kids to Yeshiva Day School for that.

Does marrying rich count?
Yes. My kids should do so well in school.

What are your kids going to college for?
A Kallah. A spouse.

What about learning Torah. Maybe studying Bible, science, math?
They can do that on their own time.

Grandkids?
As long as I don't have to pay for their Jewish day school, I'll accept them.

Is there any specific field you would like your children to work in?
No. Just money.

Is that a field?
It should be.

What about a doctor?
Don't care. If it pays. OK.

Mafia? Jewish mob?
All good. I don't judge.

What about a doctor in the mafia?
​Now that's Nachis.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
My kids, out of the house.
Do they not have friends?! That would be a beautiful Mother’s Day. Not having to be a mother.

If you're not a mother, how do you celebrate Mother's Day?
Exactly.

Do you want any gifts?
No. Just the kids out of the house.
My money back. That would be good. Pull the youngest out of third grade, make them get a job.

Do your kids love you?
Yes. That’s the problem. Love means I can’t sleep.

So. Love is bad.
Love is the bane of my life. This is why I go to shul. To be around people who don't love me.

What do you want for yourself?
I can't remember.

Why don't you get out of the house for a bit?
Ever heard of carpools?!

Are you a happy mom?
Very happy. Happy and proud of my kids. They're the best.

What do your kids do now?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Haven't lifted a hand...
Clean. Clean!!!! Is it that hard to clean?!!! Why does nobody clean in this house?!!! 
I just don't want to see them.​ One day. One day. That's all I'm asking for. ONE DAY!!!
(we heard "MOM!" at that moment and Chaya ran)
Is your dad still sleeping?!!!

Postscript
That ended the interview. Chaya had a nervous breakdown. Not sleeping for twenty-two-years and then being asked questions can do that. It might have been hearing "MOM" yelled right then, that was the breaking point.
Chaya started the interview quite happy.
I hope this interview was not the reason she left her family.

Lessons from Interview
Never ask a mother questions about their family and how it is being a mother. If they think about it, it will lead to divorce.​
If you have kids, you have to not care about them. Otherwise, you won't get sleep. Responsible parenting will ruin your life. Most parents in our shul let their kids run around. They don't notice their kids ripping the couches, throwing Danish, damaging each other's faces. Those are the happy parents. Very well rested.
Call your mother for Mother's Day. And get a job and get out of the house. Because she loves you.

Moishie showed up with his shirt not tucked. He was a successful doctor. We believe that he gave up on his living, as his shirt was not tucked in and we did not see a belt. Please ask him how he's doing.
 
Somebody has to clean the fridge. We have fifteen Sam’s Club Colas in there. All open. Please finish colas before opening new ones.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We ask parents to go to the park and to make sure their kids don’t burn themselves this Lag BOmer. It turns out not one of our Jewish kids is in the Boy Scouts, and their parents think them making a fire is a good idea. Our children are dangerous. And their parents are idiots.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mr. Feigenblum and How You Will Never Get a Job in Sweatpants- How Comfort Leads Lack of Success and Congregants Who Don't Pay Dues. The Chemistry of Fizz and Finishing a Bottle Before Opening a New One. How To Make an Uncontained Fire with The Youth of Our Shul. How to Be an Irresponsible Parent with The Parents of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Turns out Moishie is fine.
Moishie’s shirt was out. It was a Sunday. Now everybody is worried. He wasn’t even wearing sweatpants. They've just never seen him with his shirt not tucked.
Mr. Feigenblum has given up. That I know. Always in sweatpants. He's not a gym teacher. Just gave up. Went comfortable. And now he smiles. Something is wrong.
I don't think Moishie works Sundays. Though, the shirt out is not a good sign. Something must've happened. He must've relaxed for a moment.

They put back the sodas every time. Like old bottle fizz is better than new bottle fizz. They don't clean up or recycle. They put away. 
Then they bring out the old colas and the new ones. Eighteen colas with a quart in each of them. All flat, except for one. It's like the shell game, where you have to guess which cup the bottle cap is under. You have to pray you catch the one with fizz.
Eighteen colas in the fridge. All open. Likes it a Segulah omen for life. And where is the Sam's Club soda from. I don’t even think Sam’s Club makes cola anymore. We have it.
Maybe the first cup has the most fizz, so our congregants won't drink more than the first pour out of the bottle. They have standards. Give the cola to Mr. Feigenblum. He wears sweatpants. He has no standards.

We need Kiddish rules for the sisterhood. Like put away stuff not like idiots. Like cover the tuna bowl before putting it back in the fridge. And throw out anything that tastes like tar when flat.
Anything that's been out of the kitchen, you can't donate it to the food shelter. But we can drink cola from eight weeks ago, because Sharon doesn't know how to throw out fizzless soda. And we can eat tuna that's fridge hard on top. 
And I say the sisterhood, because men don't help. Men with tucked in shirts do not help. They tuck in their shirts.

I just stay away from the kids on Lag BOmer. I don't know when eight-year-olds making a fire became a good idea. We don't even let our fifteen-year-old near the stove. 
And they don't even know how to make fires. They just light stuff. They see it, they light it. They pass fires. And the parents think it's cute. When parents see a situation where their child might get hurt real bad, they think it's cute. That's why so many parents send their kids to karate. 

Moishie came back to shul on Shabbis with a three-piece suit. Tight. Couldn't breathe. Members started going back to his practice for treatment. He now knows that you tuck in a shirt if you want business. I don't think we will ever see Moishie in comfortable clothing, unless if it's a three-piece sweatsuit.
Though he used to swim for exercise, he swore off swimming, as it's tough to swim with the button-down shirt tucked in.

The rabbi gave a follow-up class to Mr. Feigenblum and His Lack of Success. Belts and How They Hold Up Your Life.

Here is a high school story about a fight with Jews on Lag BOmer. A little feel-good story about Jews fighting to get your mind off Jews getting attacked.
​
Fights Start at Friendly's
The story begins Saturday night, spring of 1993, Rochester, New York. Town of Brighton. The year of me in high school. That's what happened that year. And gel and mousse. Dep was still big. I was in Yeshiva at the time. There were no girls, so we fought a lot.
We were at Friendly's. The Kosher restaurant that wasn't Kosher. The Jewish kids were out enjoying Friendly's ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, sprinkles, rainbow and chocolate, a cocktail cherry on top. That's how bad the ice cream was. You ordered it and made sure they added everything. Tried to make it taste like Carvel. And you would get a banana in there for health reasons.

The Jewish kids consisted of Yeshiva guys from Brooklyn and some of our buddies that went to Brighton High School. The public school for the rich kids. Those were our wealthier friends that I grew up with. Their parents had a lot of money, so they sent their kids to public school. The parents who had no money paid for private school. It’s a Mitzvah somewhere in the Talmud to give all your money to the Yeshiva.
And then there were other high school kids. When other high school kids show up somewhere, there is a problem. They other kids also went to Brighton.
These other kids were eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Not Kosher. Goyim. I could already feel the tension. Why they weren't at Perkins, to this day, I can't tell you. They just wanted to cause problems. That's the only justification for not going to Perkins. 

Our friend in Brighton, Mike, gets called to the parking lot for a fight. Something must’ve happened in Brighton that week. Maybe they had classes.
We all head to the parking lot, thinking, "That's a good idea. I finished my ice cream."  I'm saying, "Maybe we shouldn’t watch Mike fight in the family establishment." They're all saying, "It's outside. And we ate the fudge already."
WCW Saturday Night at Friendly's. A parking lot match. Sounded cool. We were all into wrestling. If we had phones, we would've been filming it. We would've filmed it just in case somebody got hurt real bad, and we could have something to post.

Mike and this other kid start fighting. I'm like, "I feel like I'm living The Outsiders. I will not get involved." And like The Outsiders, we greased up our hair. We used gel. And then covered it up with our Yarmulkes. It was the early '90s. You wanted your hair to be firm under the Kippah.
Mike takes the Jew hater in a figure-four leglock. Mike is winning the fight. I was proud of Mike. All those years watching the World Championship Wrestling paid off. And Jews think Krav Maga is an excellent form of self-defense. I can tell you, they don't teach you the Tombstone Piledriver at Krav Maga.

We called the kid a Jew hater, because that's what people who take up booths on Saturday night at Friendly's are. Jew haters.
Jew hater's friends get into their cars, start driving their cars mid-fight. And the match iss stopped. Hulk Hogan never fought against a car.
 
Mike won that match. But it wasn't over. Mike's hair got messed up. Things were serious. And somebody called the police. If there is a reason to hate the cops, it's because they stop fights.

Fights Don't End at Friendly's
​Fight isn’t over. Apparently, the guy called Mike a Jew that week in school. And you don’t call a Jew a Jew.
Mike and the Jew hater both had cars, so neither of them was scared to continue the fight. Everybody at Brighton had to take sides. I believe the head of school was with the Jew haters.
So a fight is planned. 

Mike and our Brighton friends want the Yeshiva guys in the fight. The Yeshiva guys are from Brooklyn and everybody saw Goodfellas. They all know, it's not how you fight, it's how you talk. And they were scary. “What’d he say?!” You hear that from 5’2” Yankel, you're running. Yankel breeds fear. 
The Yeshiva guys joined because they felt it was important to be in a fight. They heard there was a fight. Somehow, that’s a Mitzvah. It's a Mitzvah to pay for Yeshiva and to fight. That and our math teacher said you have to stick up for your religion. And our math teacher was twenty-four. So, we listened to him.

The Battle
It's Lag BOmer. The Yeshiva celebrates with a baseball game. We're playing softball with the rabbis. Next thing I know, Brighton is at our Yeshiva game. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bystander who somehow knows a lot of idiots.
The public school planned to show up to our game at the park, to fight. Brilliance. Show up to the Yeshiva softball game for a brawl with the rebbes.

Now there are girls at our Yeshiva Lag BOmer party, not dressed properly. Not one of them had a black hat. Not even a white shirt and slacks. How they were going to play baseball, I have no idea.
Between us, after the fight, I petitioned to have girls in our Yeshiva.

My other good friend from Brighton, Nachum, roles up with a trunk full of bats. Fifty bats. Over the week and a half, he joined the Jewish Mob. He saw Goodfellas too.
Maybe he was planning a circus act. Maybe he was planning on handing a few bats to the other side. Just in case they forgot to bring their bats. Maybe he was worried the Yeshiva guys didn't have enough bats for the softball game. Was it for the Lag BOmer bonfire. I’ve seen kids in Israel burning closets and couches. You can buy bats and burn those. Anything to not expend energy to cut wood. All I know is that he had fifty bats in his trunk.
The rest of us had been watching wrestling. We were ready. We didn't need bats. We were going to body slam our opponents.

On the other side, I see Allison. "What is Allison doing rooting for the other side? We go to the JCC together." Turns out it was Jews on the other side. The anti-Semites were Jews. And they don't even go to shul. Why would you hate Jews if you don’t have to see them at shul.

The rabbis are there. For some reason, the rabbis don't think the fight is a good idea. The rabbis are older than twenty-four. Which is why we didn't listen them.
Our Minahel, head of the Beit Midrash, tells us we shouldn't fight. "The only thing that comes out of fighting is broken arms." He didn’t know about the figure-four leglock. 
Our Musar rabbi, who teaches morality, pulls the Jew hater kid aside, thinking, “Nachum has fifty bats in his trunk. Now is a good time to teach.” He asks the Jew hater, “Why do you hates Jews.” Fitting question for a Jew hater.Jew hater says, “I don’t hate Jews. I hate Mike.” And we’re all like, “Everybody hates Mike.”

Postscript
Why Mike is representing Judaism still baffles me to this day. But I can tell you. He is a Jew.
And that is what happened. Absolutely nothing. Until we got home and got in trouble. And just like in The Outsiders, we all got grounded.

Nachum is now a landlord who works in low income housing units. He carries a gun, and fifty bats in his trunk.
Mike still uses Dep. I think Dep was the real reason for the fight.
To this day, Mike is the reason for antisemitism.

Lessons Learned
Jews hate Mike.
Rabbis will ruin a good fight. 
​Don't eat at Friendly's unless if you're ready to fight.​
It was on through the flames of that Lag BOmer bonfire, I learned that nothing exciting will ever happen in my neighborhood.

​​ Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about complaining about community towels and the fact he never throws out a can, all while complaining that 90% off is not enough, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself not being able to figure out how to get out of a pizza shop in Meah Shearim.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​First off, to the antisemites out there, I would like to commend you for your commitment to this narrative. Few groups of people would hold onto something so meaningless for so long and not seem to lose an ounce of enthusiasm for it. You truly are the excited puppies of humanity. Unfortunately, over the last one thousand years or so, the rest of us have moved on. The truth is, you just aren’t as good at this whole antisemitism thing as you think you are. It's just not fun to engage with you anymore. We know the talking points and rhetoric, and to be frank, it’s a bit dated and dull. Maybe I can help.
While you are clearly very good at refocusing your own demons, you are pretty terrible in your methods of attack. As America’s Rebbitzman, I feel obligated to help you be a better antisemite. This isn’t for your benefit, mind you, it's for the rest of us. If we are forced to constantly engage with you, we want it to be a challenge. We are the people of the book, not the people of the coloring book, so we really need you to step up a bit if you want to rile our feathers.
 
How we look
I am not well-versed in the aesthetic frailties of Europe in the 1300s, so maybe back then, when this antisemitic nose size “zinger” first came out, it was a deep cut for a person to hear. The problem is that today, this really doesn’t quite pack the offensive punch you think it does. It’s a nose. Of all the parts of the body people are sensitive about, the nose is kind of at the bottom of the list.
Hitler was embarrassed about his “huge-schnoz.” He was always lifting his arm as high as possible to cover it. But we are fine with our noses.
What’s incredible is that your nasal focus is actually an upgrade of the original “Jews have horns” trope. We can all agree that assigning something that can be so easily waved away with the lifting of a hat was a huge misstep by your predecessors.
I would suggest maybe hitting something a little more poignant, like our almost universal lactose intolerance. Think of how glorious your rallies would be if everyone came with a taunting wheel of Jarlsberg! You could use the coded terms of “Milkies” or “Brudders of the Udders” to identify safely on Truth Social or X. The potential is endless.
 
Our Perceived Success
I’m a little concerned that you don’t know how insults are supposed to work. If we can’t get past this, I’m afraid any hope in your improvement will be a lost cause. You don’t generally put people down by yelling about how successful you think they are; Jews control Hollywood, control the banks, and run a secret space program. We get it, you think we are great at doing things. I sometimes walk away from X thinking, “I can be anything!” You can be very empowering with your ineffective attempts at racism.
Have you considered simply not elevating us in your rhetoric? I know it seems like the obvious move, but sometimes that is the best one to make.
Also, can you imagine what an Alt-Right-controlled film industry would look like? Given your earlier established lack of creativity, we’d have movies like: Disney’s The Tinnitus Sufferer of Notre Dame, Hate Actually, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Capitol Building.
 
George Soros
I have to be completely honest here. If it were not for antisemitism, I would have no idea who George Soros was or that he was Jewish. Even now, I know he is some rich dude and is Jewish, though he sounds Greek, but that’s about it. Maybe update the name for a younger generation, so Jews actually feel offended by the inferences or association. Let me suggest a couple for you. Ben Shapiro, Jared Kushner, or Stephen Miller, they all feel like walking caricatures of your vision of us anyway. At least this way, we could put a face to the name. You start associating Stephen Miller with the face of the “evil Jew,” and we will struggle to argue against it.
 
Israel
Whether you are a right-wing antisemite or a liberal one, I know how tempting it is to add Israel to your arsenal, but it's also a wee bit too complex for you. The layering of history, global economics, weaponization of theologies, and the constant churning of contemporary viewpoints from outside nations with their own objectives, frankly, puts this one way out of your league. It requires reading and contemplation, and so many other applications of intellect that get in the way of your child-like urges. Whenever you bring up Israel or Zionism as your antisemitic marching cry, you sound like a college student who is learning how to form their own opinion from a pamphlet handed to them in the quad.

I’d suggest you focus your efforts on a different geography, the small Eastern European village of Chelm. It has an almost exclusively Jewish population, and the people there are not the brightest. Some of the stories that have come out of there over the years are ridiculous. They actually tried to capture the moon in a barrel of water! This is a place that is more your speed. With Chelm, you don’t need to worry about any geopolitical or historical details, and they are constantly doing dumb things. Such as making fun of snout size. Maybe in a few hundred years, once you start to master a place like Chelm, you’ll be ready for Israel.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

I grew up in a house where nothing was ever wasted. We didn’t have leftovers.
It was ancestral energy trapped in Tupperware. My folks were survivors who never totally got over the war, food was life. Leave the fridge open, and instead of it beeping—you’d hear a bomb shelter siren.
And there was always that one container lurking in the back of the fridge like a witness in protective custody.
“What’s in there?” I’d ask.
My mother, in her German-Yiddish accent, would snap, “Don’t touch that. It’s important!”
Important? It looked like it needed a lawyer.
Some things need to be released—with love, a prayer, and maybe an exorcist.
 
My parents fought constantly. My mother wanted to be Catholic, my father wanted to be Jewish, and I wanted to be adopted—preferably by wolves. At least wolves take turns howling.
My mother’s rebellion came out in her cooking and cocktails. My father would take one sip and recoil.
“Liesel! What did you put in this? It’s revolting!”
And she’d say, completely unfazed, “Uch Bernie, it’s delicious. I spiked it… with
Manischewitz!”
Nothing says Christmas like kosher wine and resentment. Even Baby Jesus would have been like, “You know what, I’m gonna wait in the car.”
 
My father, bless him, could have used more fun in his parenting style. He was Austrian. Very regimented, very serious, and not from a culture famous for spontaneous whimsy. There’s a reason you’ve never heard of a comedy chain called Himmler’s Ha-Ha Hut. And if you did, you probably wouldn’t feel safe ordering the schnitzel.
 
Because my parents had survived the war, food was survival. Which meant, when my mother cooked a chicken, she cooked every last molecule. I didn’t know chickens had toenails until I had my mother’s soup pot.
Crunchier than corn chips, yumyum. Nothing says comfort food like needing a tetanus shot.
We also never had junk food, so Halloween was a problem. American children would ring the doorbell dressed as pirates, superheroes, and tiny witches, expecting candy. My mother would fling open the door, admire the costume, and deposit a chicken neck into their pillowcase.
“Oh, vunderful Batman! Here. A real treat!”
Kid screams.
“And for little Sally—a gizzard! And a foot!”
Little Sally would age three years on the spot.
Then my mother would chase the fleeing children down the block yelling, “Wait! I forgot the best part—the head!”
 
The next day at school the kids all thought my mother was an actual witch. Which, honestly, was fair. Our house on Halloween looked less like a family home and more like a poultry crime scene. Chalk outline, chicken carcass, non-stop screaming, parents arguing in mixed European accents—it was basically KFC on acid. No sides, just fear.
 
Therapy wasn’t a thing in our house. Not in a practical sense. So, I had to get creative. At one point I realized the only people who could interrupt my parents’ fighting were Jehovah’s Witnesses. Suddenly both my mother and father would fall silent to avoid opening the door. It was the closest thing to peace we ever had. And that’s how Switzerland was formed.
 
My parents were Jewish, but they raised me Catholic. Only they were so Jewish at church that it made everything even more confusing. During communion my father would mutter, “I can’t eat this cracker. It’s too dry. Needs a schmear. And I don’t mean to criticize Jesus, but couldn’t he have sprung for a toaster?”
So, I never knew which religion I was disappointing. Catholics had sin. Jews had guilt. I was double-booked. One day I disappointed Jesus, the next day my mother. It was a full social calendar.
 
And since my father had studied under Freud, I took an early interest in psychoanalysis. By kindergarten I was running a private practice at nap time. I diagnosed classmates for candy.
“Sally, your inability to choose a favorite Barbie indicates a neurotic disparity between your id and your superego.”
“Frannie, how many M&M’s do I owe you?”
And that’s how I became addicted to the red ones.
Later I attended twelve-step meetings for the free cookies, which of course led to a cookie addiction. But now when somebody annoys me, instead of saying “piss-off” I just say, “Wanna cookie?” Which is growth. Jewish growth—but growth.
I was also an extremely anxious child. I thought people could read my thoughts, so I tried to think only pleasant ones—tough when you’re staring at your father’s tense face noticing his pursed lips look like your cat’s Tuchis. And then I was like “OMG He thinks I’m comparing his face to a litter box!”
 
Food remained our family’s emotional support system. Jews and Chinese food belong together, like holidays and elastic waistbands. Chinese food isn’t just cuisine—it’s therapy you can chew. I firmly believe Moses parted the Red Sea while holding a takeout container. That wasn’t divine intervention. It was duck sauce.
The tablets didn’t say “Commandments.” They said, “White rice or brown—it’s a mitzvah if you mix. Don’t be rice-ist.”
And finally, after all the leftovers, guilt, poultry trauma, and identity confusion, I learned the most useful spiritual principle of all: not everything old is sacred. Some things are brisket from the Carter administration—and need to go.
 
Also, not finished with the Chinese, because if synagogues started serving sweet-and-sour matzo balls, attendance would skyrocket.
So yes, I come from a long line of people who saved everything. Chicken feet. Religious confusion. Emotional debris. But I like to think I’ve updated the family tradition. I still believe nothing should be wasted. Not pain. Not absurdity. Not even a childhood that occasionally felt like a hostage video directed by Freud.
Because if you season it right, even trauma can become humorous.

​Frannie Sheridan 30+yrs internationally performing solo mayoral awarded shows/stress management workshops disguised as fun, attracting Hollywood interest (Legendary Director Arthur Hiller who attached himself to direct Frannie’s film), as well as having been invited to the Capitol as an honored guest. Frannie Sheridan’s traditionally published memoir (MOSAIC Press) Confessions Of A Jewish Shiksa was the darling of the Frankfurt Book Fair, and her play (IRT) The Waltonsteins have been included as part of the educational system’s must read.
Frannie is the creator and narrator of I Tried to Be Normal But It Was Taken! audiobook/kindle being released on ACX/AMAZON this month. 

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

This Yom HaAtzmaut, I want to help. Israel Independence Day is coming and many Olim have no idea how to sell their Aliyah story, and to look good telling it. I’ve heard your stories. They’re bad. All you have is Nefesh BNefesh to blame. They didn’t educate you on the retelling of your Aliyah. There is no Haggadah for your move to the Holy Land.
Moving to Israel is a beautiful thing. A Mitzvah. You should be proud and honored to be with our nation. But there are critics out there. People who make a decent living, known as Americans. And they will test you.

Aliyah Is About Moving to Israel
We must be clear about this. We're talking about Israel. The Holy Land. The land of our people. Not Florida. Though Florida is the desired homeland that Gd chose for our people, nobody asks why people moved to Florida. Nobody is asking for an inspirational story about their gated community and how they saved on taxes. Nobody needs to know why they moved for safety, or the spiritual essence of walking through a golf course to shul.
Everybody understands why a Jew moves to Florida. You moved to Israel. Jews can't explain that. Boca Raton is reasonable. Why a Jew would move to Jerusalem, that you have to explain. 

What People Don't Want to Hear
Your story. Nobody wants to hear your story.
“I moved to Israel to be with my nation.” Who says that?! Nobody cares. "Peoplehood"?! Blah Blah Blah. Boohoo. You've lost your audience. How much does that pay. That's what people want to know. How much do they pay for living in the Jewish homeland.
Your story is pathetic. “Living in the land of our ancestors.” Nobody respects that. "The shekel is doing good." Now that's a reason. 
You've got to sound interesting. Pitch your Aliyah right. Spice it up. And never tell an American you thought it was a good idea. Since when is being with your people a good idea. Ever been to shul?! You say stuff like this at the Shabbat table, you will have no friends.

My Real Story- What Not To Tell
People used to hate me. Why? Because I told my Aliyah story. I would say stuff like, ​"I moved because it's a Mitzvah to live in Israel." They hear that, they think I'm a heretic. A Jew who doesn't believe in the Torah. If you want to live somewhere to do Mitzvahs, you move to Monsey. Teaneck. Kiriyas Yoel.
"Kodak closed. I wanted to get out of Rochester before they started blaming that on the Jews." I tell people that, they're asking me if Rochester is in Europe.
Nothing inspirational about my story. And that is why I don't tell my story.
Every Oleh has a story that didn't happen to them. You have to find yours. Your Aliyah story of inspiration and lack of employment. 
And do not use the "Mamdani became mayor" or "Obama and Biden were in office" Aliyah. Too many people have that story already. You want to be unique.
 
The Story of Connection Technique
This is how I talk about Aliyah now. "I made Aliyah of necessity to be awake, to be aware, to be of the people who need life to hit them in the face. Life is not always easy in Israel, but I am of the Olim, I made that change. I am of the Olim who did not want to leave my family. I am of the Olim whose heart yearns for connection to America. Yet, my soul yearns for a connection to my people. Growing up in Uganda, in an upper middle class family, I felt that connection. Of the nation of Israel. I came to settle the land, as in the Bible. I come to build the Homeland. A Chalutz. A pioneer of the year 2003. I am of the Olim who is part of a nation. I am of the tribe of Aliyah."
Strong ending to that Aliyah story. Beautifully self-righteous and vague. In other words, poetry. That's how experienced Olim speak. "Of the." How many times did I use "of the"? No idea. Employ it. "Of the" is inspired.
You see what I did?! You have to be the story of the Jewish people. Biblical. Do not be the story of yourself. Use the word "Bible." Bible works better than saying Torah. It's more inspiring. You inspire people like that. Now, they're coming to you for spiritual advice, and that's how you make money in Jerusalem.
They asked why I moved to Israel. I gave no answer. I diatribed about Jewish people. Somehow, I became a Chalutz. A pioneer who made the trek to Israel on EL AL flight LY26 from Newark. With an aisle seat.
"Uganda" in there. Brilliance. I've never been to Uganda. Now, I'm interesting.
If you're not as poetic as me, you need to go metaphysical. Add in something about your connection to Gd. Something about how Gd spoke to you.
 
Rabbi Yosef Karo - The Voice From Heaven Method
So brilliant. A Bat Kol, "a voice from heaven," told him to move to Israel. And that's why people respect Rabbi Karo.​ He was learning Shavuot night, and a voice came to him and Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz, telling them to move to Israel. 
The voice wasn't a disgruntled congregant who wanted them out. Many rabbis have members telling them to get out. That story goes, "Your Torah isn't wanted here. Your sermons are too long. Go someplace they appreciate Gd. Like Israel."
Use Rabbi Yosef Karo's story. You tell them you moved to Israel because a voice from heaven told you, they'll believe you. Your family already thinks you're crazy. You move to Tzfat, like Rabbi Karo, they believe you more. You tell them you heard a voice in Tzfat, they're not asking questions. You moved to Tzfat.
The first time people asked him, Rabbi Karo said it was a Mitzvah. He got no response. After a good hundred or so people, he polished his Aliyah story. He worked in the Bat Kol. He honed his craft.

Package Your Story
Your story must be packaged around Gd, settlement, original pioneer, near-death, and Uganda.
You want your American friends to know you’re part of the country. A Chalutz. A pioneer who has fully integrated into Israeli society. Conviction. You're an Israeli who has fully embraced the culture and can't speak Hebrew. Whose job is still in America. Because you're Israeli, and Israelis work in America. An original pioneer of our people, of the year 2026, with a dental practice in America. You pay people to dig.
Let them know you’ve done the army. Sounds good. You wanted to do the army. That's good enough. Throw in a real spiritual, life-changing story, about almost death and how you were saved, and then you saw Gd and you got a raise. Spiritual.
Wait. Package it with a Bal Teshuva story. Say you were returning in penitence. You mix that story of seeing the Jewish light with moving to Tzfat, you’re gold.
The more self-righteous the story, the more people respect you. As such, it is very important to close the eyes when telling your Aliyah story. Right now, I'm typing with my eyes closed, for you.
 
Lessons
Make sure you have a good spiritual story and you tell it with your eyes closed. Chicks dig it. And people think you're closer to Gd when you can't see. And strum a guitar while you're telling your story. That adds effect.
The less sense it makes, the more spiritual it is. Don't forget to say "of the." Nobody knows what that means.
Always use the "voice from heaven" line. Maybe throw in an "Elijah the Prophet" approached you on Birthright segment. Eliyahu the Prophet adds dimension layer to the Chalutz story. Makes it more Biblical. It takes your Aliyah to the next level. Even Rav Yosef Karo didn't use the Elijah thing.
You're from New York, Los Angeles, Singapore. I don't care. Tell people you're from Uganda. Employ "Uganda," that's all you have to say. That's your story. "Why did you make Aliyah?" "Uganda." "We get it."

Now you know what to say when they invite you for Shabbat dinner. Don't be a party pooper and kill the environment with your story. Say you’re a pioneer with a near-death experience, who heard a voice from heaven in Uganda. And people will love you. You'll have friends.
Or just say you thought you were moving to Miami.

I hope this was educational. 
Much respect. Kol Hakavod on your Aliyah.

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
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Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.