Many are speaking of a Sukkot miracle that happened to our nation this year. I got an Etrog for twenty dollars and it looked good. The last time I got a decent Etrog for that amount was 1987, So, never doubt Gd. Sometimes Gd shows Himself in mysterious ways. I thought I was the only one who noticed the miracle. Nonetheless, it's something great for our nation. A shared miracle by all.
Personally, I heard there was a flight from Dubai, where the Indian pilot was getting pummeled by his co-pilot with a crash axe. Holding on for life, barely able to move, the pilot opened the cockpit door, and an Israeli plumber came in and subdued the terrorist, then stopped the plane from nosediving, by leveling it out, saving the lives of those on the plane and the planned crash into the Azrieli Towers or Ben Gurion, or Saudi Arabia, or the ground. Not sure if the guy fully thought out his terrorism. Sometimes, they don't think ahead. They get stuck at the killing part. Due to the plumber, the pilot and some people on the plane, nobody was hurt. I see that as a miracle too. 
I will say the rescue of the plumber from the Flydubai hijacking was a miracle, filled with great examples of the presence of Gd. Let me share some of the miracles I saw on that flight. 

The plane suddenly plunged 14,000 to 16,000 feet in 30 seconds. Due to the sudden plummet, the seatbelt signs did not go on. As such, this was the first time on a flight to Israel that the cabin crew did not scream at Israelis for not sitting.
Later, on the rescue flight from Saudi Arabia to Israel, some of the passengers followed the seatbelt sign. The presence of Gd is seen throughout. This is also the noted first time that anybody on a flight to Israel buckled their seatbelt before a flight attendant forced them to.

The New York Times reported, "A plane flying from Dubai to Israel was diverted after an altercation between the pilot and co-pilot." So, thank Gd, there was no terror attack. The terror attack was not a terror attack. B"H. If it wasn't for the New York Times and CNN, this would've been a terror attack.
Another great miracle. The New York Times has not blamed Israel for the attack yet. 

Capt. Smit Machchhar is in stable condition. He is now being cared for in Saudi Arabia. So many miracles. He is still alive. And the doctors in Saudi Arabia are not Jewish. Did not know that existed.

The plumber knew how to fly an airplane due to his love of the TV series Mayday, a Canadian show also known as Air Disasters and Air Crash Investigations. From a Canadian TV show. How can one say Gd is not involved. Canada produced something that is helpful. Miracles do happen.
This man, the plumber, the cook, Yaniv Hayoun, is a hero. Our children must learn from Mr. Hayoun. ​It just goes to show how important it is to watch TV. Our Jewish children must watch more TV.

Another miracle. He loves Bibi Netanyahu and Donald Trump. Those people exist. I didn't know that.

Cost of flights from Dubai to Israel have not come down. You can try everything. You will not get a deal. I tired complaining about the size of the snacks. Still can't get the prices down. Gd can only help so much.

No Etrogs on the flight were destroyed. Ever since that Ushpizin movie, those have gotten quite expensive.

The passengers on the flight did not get refunded. However, they can seek up to two-hundred-fifty-thousand dollars a person. It's like winning the lottery. There's always a silver lining to terror attacks.

Israelis were on the flight. People with Seichel. A people who will sacrifice to live. A people who don't buckle their seatbelts, no matter how much turbulence. A people who are not going to make it to Israel after they already paid for the flight.

I hope I was able to impart some of Gd's glory to you.
I still can’t explain the miracle of my Etrog. No idea how that happened. Such a great manifestation of H'.

We ask the men don’t dance. We ask them to leave room for the women who know how to dance. It has been ruled by our rabbi that walking in a circle is not dancing.
We understand it brings joy to children when they get hit by candy in the face. We ask you toss the candy this year.
 
For Simchat Torah we will only be honoring people with money. Why the Gabai let Pinchas open the ark on Yom Kippur is a question we are asking. Pinchas got fired last month. The Gabai is an idiot.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Don’t toss the candies on the floor. Our parents cannot afford new pants for their kids again this year.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Jewish Tradition of Dance and Walking in a Circle and Other Things Our Community Members Fails at Due to Arthritis. Why Whipping Candies at Children is Asur Even If the Kids Are Smiling. Why Jewish Kids Dive on the Floor for Zaza Taffy. Picking the Right Person for An Aliyah- The Art of Spotting a Decently Tailored Suit.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Simchat Torah at our shul sports the most messed up dancing. It's not dancing. It's singing and walking. Even the middle circle is men walking. It's like a breakdancing cypher. People are all excited. Others get in the middle, and then they walk.
I have to say, I'm happy they put up the Mechitzah. Watching the men in our shul dance is depressing. It's a downer. It reminds me what age can do to you, even if you pray. We are truly the most uncoordinated people. Watching our congregants dance is like watching thirty-year-old geriatrics. Every one of them is injured. Arthritis is an epidemic in our shul. It looks like a PT room. And the singing. They're groaning. I think they're walking with the Torah and saying, "I'm hurt."
Then there was a random younger guy who can still move a little. So, he ran. He felt it important to get a little exercise.
The random guy running by is not a dance either.

Then they whip the candies at kids. The anger. My son ran over to me so happy, "I got some Mike and Ikes," with a shiner. Clobbered by gummies.
What it takes to get some sweets in our congregation. It's crazy. Mr. Schwartzberg was walloping little children with Sunkist fruit gems. No tossing. Last year, one kid ended up in the ICU due to Simchat Torah happiness.
These people are idiots.
 
They’re giving Aliyahs to losers. This is why the shul is in debt. No money is coming to the shul because our Gabai feels that people who show up to Davening on time deserve to be honored. If you're not golfing Shabbis morning, you are not doing well financially. That is my understanding.
You have to give Aliyahs and honrs to people with money. You give it to my husband, I’m leaving the shul. That’s a shul that’s going to go broke. Ask me, I'll tell you. He is not successful. I tell him every day. And it keeps our marriage together.
Why they even gave my husband the appeal card on Yom Kippur, it makes no sense. Does the shul need eighteen dollars??? The whole "each person counts" is a shame. They just figure that one of these guys has to have a decent year. You're living in Topeka. What's going to take off? Tourism?! Idiots.
Pinchas’ suit is not tailored at all. Giving him an honor, anything other than Galilah, should be an obvious "no." And the Gabai is not even on a committee.
We need a committee on this. We have a committee for security and candy distribution. We need an Aliyah committee. This way, at least we'll know why the dumb decisions are being made. Whenever we need people to do something dumb, we put them on a committee. This way we ensure the idiots will decide on something that makes no sense.
Does our Gabai not talk to people?! How does he not know Pinchas was fired?! At least check bank statements before giving Aliyahs. And it's clear Pinchas doesn't have savings. There is no charitable bequest coming to our shul from Pinchas. 
 
Oh. So. After the candy attack of children debacle, they started throwing the candies on the floor. So now you have kids jumping on the floor, crawling on the floor, and whacking each other to get to the candy. 
Why we needed a committee to decide that injuring children with candies is wrong, do not ask. Mr. Schwartzberg literally thought it was one of the ancient forms of death. And he doesn't like the kids. Turns out they've been going to the grownup desert table at Kiddish before him.
Thank Gd none of the kids have tailored suits. One family gets their kids designer clothes. Those kids aren't allowed to eat candy. Nothing to do with health. It's the expense of having to get new clothes once they see Mike and Ikes on the floor.
The craziness of the kids. The violence to get sweets. The extent they're willing to go for a sour stick. The scratching, bashing, the violence. These kids are stronger than they appear, when there's a chance to get a Zaza. I saw a fizzer, started going for it, I was tackled. I was trounced by a kid in nursery school. Kid was in a stroller. Saw the Zaza. Flew out of the thing and took me down.
Lesson learned. Don't buy decent clothes for your kids. Candies ruin good dresses and suits. 

People wanted to find new ways to glorify Gd. Which meant more Sukkah decorations. We had gourds, bees, fly paper, Christmas lights. “Something is missing,” to quote Sarah Schneirer, a great woman who was never happy with how her Kugel came out. Sarah Schneirer happened to have abbreviated her name, to dispel any myths about her being related to the Lubavitcher rebbes. This here is the first record of that piece of history. Couldn’t find anything anywhere suggesting it. Which is why I wrote it.
Thus, Jewish day schools were created. A whole movement, Bais Yaakov, was founded in 1917, in order to create Sukkah decorations. Namely a school system created to make paper chains.
Not enough decorations were being created by the children, and sweatshops were frowned upon. Hence, the foundation of Sunday Schools. You get the Jewish kids to come every Sunday for three hours to work on Sukkot decorations.

Years later, in 1976, the tradition of children's art projects. Paper chains were forgotten. Drawings and paper mâché now became rampant in the Sukkahs.
​To quote Rebbe Abba, "Art class was the worst thing to ever happen in Jewish day school. Now I have to decorate the Sukkah with this piece of..." That was the only time Rebbe Abba ever cursed. It was ruled that cursing was allowed when you have to look at your child's pathetic artistic skills for a whole holiday. Having to pretend that paying twenty thousand dollars for this Drek you have to look at in Sukkah is making you happy.

And this is why my eight-year-old nephew's pathetic picture of a pomegranate on a paper plate is hanging right now.

Pictures of rabbis then became big. To quote Rebbe Abba, "If this Drek that this kid did is fine, a picture of my rabbi is going up in this thing."
The Ushpizin pictures were hard to come by. The people swore they would've hung Yosef, David, Moshe. Some wanted to hang Yitzchak. And these weren’t anti-Semites. They just thought hanging the Ushpizin would look good in the Sukkah. Then my brother-in-law said, "Reb Moshe Feinstein looks a lot like Yosef HaTzadik." And everybody was happy. And they sung "vSmachta bChagecha" again. 

Pictures of rabbis and pictures of Israel were allowed. As long as they were pictures of the Beit Hamikdash. That was a ruling that lasted around half a decade. It was decided after that to let people hang whatever they want, as long as it looked Jewish. Which meant, everybody in the pictures had to have on a Yarmulke. Many of the original pictures had men and women wearing Yarmulkes. Which is how the reform movement began.

Some random guy shouted, “We have Sheva Minim.” To which one of the ladies shouted back, “I hate you.” To which the ruling was, "If it's not a picture of a rebbe or the Temple, it has to be one of the seven species of Israel."
Rabbi Kolnus then shouted, “But there are no gourds in the Sheva Minim.” He was excommunicated for thinking a pomegranate is not a gourd. One of his contemporaries then shouted. “What? Are you a botanist now?” That rabbi was then excommunicated for knowing the word “botanist.”
It was at that point, the head rabbi of the Jewish Day School system instituted the ruling that all Sukkot art has to be a pomegranate. 

And that is when parents started hanging their children's art in the Sukkah. They figured, it's better than throwing it out. "We will leave it in the Sukkah, and when it rains, it will get ruined. Then we can throw it out, and blame it on the rain." This all happened around 1989, when Milli Vanilli was exposed for being rabbinic frauds.

And then paper chains came back. To quote Rebbe Abba, "These look glorious." Jewish origami art of paper chains followed as the most popular decoration since. Overtaking gourds, Christmas lights and flies. Jewish origami, paper art form where we use staples. And Rebbe Abba went on, "We need more staples for our children in Jewish day schools… You've seen they're pomegranates. Have you ever seen them try to draw wheat?! It's horrendous. They are not artistically inclined. They need the staples."

Nowadays, you will find all of these decorations used, depending on one's ancestry, and how many children are still in Jewish day school.
 
The Alter Rebbe of Chabad ruled it's best to stay away from decorations. He didn't value the art of my third-grade nephews and nieces. To quote, “There is no way Gd would’ve commanded this.”

The Jews thought they were finished with commandments. It was a hard year leaving Egypt, and then hearing about these new ideas, call Mitzvahs, Moshe threw on them. Having to go through the whole process of making Matzah, and reliving the Egypt debacle every year, that was a doozy. They asked, "Do we have to relive this whole tragedy?" And Moshe said, "All the time." Then right after getting out of slavery, our people heard they had to build huts to live in. No trees. No cement. No canvas. But they had to build huts. How? No idea. There is no historical record of how they found canvas in the desert. And then Gd made it a commandment to do it every year. He called it "Sukkot." The Jews called it "another building project and we're not even slaves." And that is when the first anti-Jewish conspiracy started. To quote all of Mesopotamia, "There is no way these people built the pyramids." And since then, Jews have been trying to prove themselves as developers. Never helping with the building itself.
The Jews now had daily conversations about having to move again. "Gd commanded us to move every year?! Are you serious." Forty years later, Moshe finally let them know the idea is to eat in the hut, the Sukkah, for the holiday of Sukkot. To quote, "You don't have to move. The whole wandering thing was fun though."
All that said, that is where our tradition of complaining was founded. It all started then. Tragedy, complaining, anti-Semitic conspiracies and Shvitzing.
Then the Torah said (Shemot 15:2) "This is my Gd and I will glorify Him." Which meant to make Gd's Mitzvahs beautiful. The people decided that this meant you had to hanging gourds in the Sukkah. Some thought the Mitzvah meant to beautify your Sukkah by hanging my eight-year-old nephew's art in it. When it spoke of the commandment to bring glory to Gd, the Torah had in mind a crayon drawing of a pomegranate, not drawn within the lines. That kid has a very not stable hand.

The Jews complained. That was the natural thing to do whenever Moshe spoke. It turned into an automatic reaction in the Midbar, the desert. "Why do we have to decorate the Sukkahs now?! You just gave us all these rules and directions for how to build a roof. Water comes right through it. Now we have to decorate the place too?! I can't find any gourds. And there is no way I'm hanging up nephew's art work. The rain will kill it." It turned out rain in the desert was scarce, which meant they had to look at that poor excuse for art.

At first, the decorations in the desert were gourds. The Jews asked the Shoftim, the rabbinic leaders of the time, "What do we decorate with?" Somehow Yechezkaya had a gourd. One of the Shoftim turned to Yechezkaya and asked, "What's that." He said, "It's a gourd." The Shoftim said, "That looks good." And thus, gourds were the original Sukkah decoration. That was tradition. They didn't have pictures of Roshei Yeshiva yet.

In the year 3854, which is also the combination to my locker, a jar of honey became a quite popular decoration. The communities of Greece loved honey. Yet, they hated bees. In an effort to intimidate the bees, who were lazy and didn't want to work, they hung jars of honey in their Sukkah, and put holes in them. To quote Rav Aegean, "This will get the bees out of the Sukkah." It turned out honey draws bees. One of the most quoted quotes was given in response, by Mark, a Jew who was angry he didn't get an Aliyah, "They want honey. They just don't want to work for it."
The jar of honey did not work as expected. Nonetheless, it became an accepted tradition. And the bees were a beautiful decoration. The Tanaim are quoted as saying, "The bees look almost as nice as that greenish gourd."

Then came electricity. "Look at these lights. They look great." That was what everybody said. Nothing to do with the gourds. 
And that is when lights on strings began. Nothing to do with creation. It was Thomas Edison who was trying to solve the problem of not being able to see Sukkah decorations at night.
NonJews used these lights on strings for Christmas. To which the rabbis said, "That's why they created electricity. For the nonJews." To which the saying, "It's a Goyisha Velt," was created. 
One rabbi said, "We shouldn't follow in the ways of the Goyim." To which he was excommunicated. To quote Rav Hundai, "My beard is itchy. I need to shave."
Bar Sukkota ruled, "It's forbidden to celebrate Christmas until after Christmas, when the decorations go on sale." And all the rabbis yelled out together, "That is our tradition." And so we have Christmas lights in our Sukkah. 
Many false historical accounts have been written about Jews using Christmas lights in their Sukkah. One being that they sold them at Eichler's. Eichler's came much later and they never sold Christmas lights. They only sold "Sukkis Lights." And we should note that in the year 2026 Eichler's only support Mamdani if their customers will still buy stuff from them.

The lights drew bugs. So, fly tape was then allowed in the Sukkah. Fly tape became a quite popular decoration, along with the dead bees in the honey jar. To quote the brother-in-law, “That looks good.” Fly tape was also used for ruining the clothes of guests. Which is why many people started building their own Sukkahs. As Phylicia said, "I can't ruin another Shabbis dress. We are going to eat in our own Sukkah next year." 
That Sukkot was quite hard for Phylicia. She walked right into the decoration. The flies did look quite beautiful under the Christmas lights. Her clothes got sticky, and they had to cut out a piece of the wall, so she could leave. To quote Phylicia, our great Greek ancestor, "I don't want to become a Sukkah decoration. I've seen what our people do to bees and flies. And the poor gourds."
And that is when Sukkah caroling became a tradition. The rabbis decided to call it Zemirot. The lyrics got stuck at "vSmachta bChagecha vHayita Ach Sameach." They tried, but they couldn't come up with new lyrics. So, they repeated those a lot. They also had a hard time coming up with a new tune. To quote one of our Jewish songwriters who can't play guitar, "That tune sounds good." Hence, the song we sing in the Sukkah the last hundred fifty years.
 
So much of our history can be found in discussion and just one of our ancestors saying, “That looks good.” Something which was never said about Michel Shlomo’s suit.

The BRosh Hashana "Written in the Book of Life and Death" song was so beautiful. It was a big hit. As people in our shul love the feeling of self-disgust and depression, as it brings them such joy knowing they're failures, we will be singing UNetana Tokef on Yom Kippur as well.
 
On Yom Kippur some are written in the Book of Life and some in the Book of Death and Disease and Plague. If we were to guess, Mr. and Mrs. Feigelstein are destined for are really bad year. Possibly famine, drought or a parched throat.
 
Please sing the "H’ Kel Rachum" words of Gd’s mercy, with the shul. Gd does not show mercy to people who have to listen to you harmonize. Your singing is a strain on Gd's ears, and it brings famine to our congregation. To note, Kiddish has been quite sparse the past few weeks, due to your singing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Help people follow the Birnbaum Machzor. Birnbaum translates stuff how he wants and opens arks whenever he feels like it. We need volunteers to sit next to people to remind them to not follow the Birnbaum when praying from it, so the ark will get opened at the right time.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Truly Be a Nothing- A Panel Discussion with Our Congregants Who Have Done Nothing of Use This Past Year. The Plague of a Parched Throat- The Suffering of Our Members Going Through a Whole Service Without a Drink & How the Feigelsteins Finally Made it Through Shacharit Without a Pee Break. How to Not Sing Along with the Chazin by Not Singing and Other Forms of Chesed You Can Do for The Rest of the Congregation. Birnbaum Translation & How Artscroll Disagrees. Creativity in Translation and How Birnbaum Told Eliezer Ben Yehuda He Doesn’t Care.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Feigelsteins are probably going to die. That seems to be what the rabbi said. That was the announcement.
I'm dealing with idiots here. A parched throat is now on par with national drought. These millennials, whatever you call them, are idiots. 
 
It was a whole season of songs about Gd's mercy and death. 
They get into the UNetana Tokef in our shul. Our community loves to be depressed. The "BYom Tov Kippur YeyChatamun" Gd sealing us in the book of life or death song is the number one song in our shul, going on three hundred years. They have no idea what it means. They just know they suck as people. And they love singing about it. 
I have offered to sing personalized English lyrics for our members, to remind them how much they suck. "The Himmelstein children who never say 'Thank you.' They should all go to hell. And the Feinblums who always show up late. Why do they never stop talking during Musaf. And the Minkowitzs, we all hate them. Mrs. Minkowitz has the ugliest hat. And Bernie, how much time can he spend in the bathroom. He has a really bad stomach and has to calm down at Kiddish. They should all be written down for being annoying." Those are just some of the lyrics I wrote for my fellow members. I hope it adds to their feeling of being nothing, feeling like pooh.
I'm going to start singing to people how much they I can't stand them. If it's in tune form they'll be fine with me telling them they're Drek. Musicals should have more anger in them.

Everybody is a Tzadik now. Everybody is devout and righteous all the sudden. On Yom Kippur, they’re all Tzadikim. A devout righteous person means somebody who says they are a nothing. That's how people express righteousness, by feeling bad about it. You do the right thing and you are supposed to feel bad about it. Truth is, our congregants try to put themselves in the "nothing" category. But they're truly nothings.
The real people who truly cry correctly on Yom Kippur are the righteous of our people, who know they're a nothing all year. Our congregants are a nothing for one day. They should know they're a nothing all the time. I've seen how bad they are on the golf course.

The singing is bad. Their singing depresses is me. Even the Mareh Kohen upbeat song gets me down when I hear Sarah Chana and Shlomo Yitzchak singing it. Their singing has a way of bringing you down, especially when they're in a good mood. 
The Gd’s Mercy song hurt. Gd's mercy does not extend to our congregation singing. Or me having to listen to them. As our rabbi taught us, "You can't depend on miracles."
I thought it was harmony. But it can't be. Harmony isn't supposed to make it sound that much worse.
 
We need a new version of the Birnbaum that translates things right. A version that translates words to what they are translated to. A version that tells people to go up to the Aron when it's the correct time to open the ark. Last week we had somebody opening up the ark for the Shema. All the sudden, we had to hear more people growning. That's the sound of a Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah member getting up. Our congregants having to stand is not an easy thing to have to see.
Birnbaum translates it how they want. They pick a prayer and it give a totally off translation. It's whatever Brinbaum was thinking that day. "And there were birds singing the praises of Gd." That's the translation of "Mizmor LDavid bYom HaShabbat." That's what sounded right to him that day.
Exact translation is important. Birnbaum takes too much freedom in his Machzor.
I thought the paragraph was about praising Gd. Birnbaum was talking about a beautiful afternoon in the wilderness.
I don’t even think they’re translating the same thing. The word is “vEitan,” I see “And Avraham.” Not even the same name. Birnbaum must be operating in a metaphysical world of translation. Whatever it is, I cannot see any more of our congregants opening up the Aron at the wrong time, again.

"When is the Kohen going to come out of the Holy of Holies?" That was the conversation Yom Kippur 19 BCE. Every year the people in the Temple Court would ask, “When are the services going to finish?” To which the people would respond, "There isn't even a sermon." Which is why there was a huge dancing and parade when we the Kohen Gadol, the High Priest, would finish his service. He would come out of the Kodesh Kadashim, the Holy of Holies, and everybody would scream, "It's glorious. Look at him. He's finally finished. We can go home and nap." This developed into the tune of "Mareh Kohen," the song of appearance of the Kohen. "How glorious. He looks kind of tired. Beautiful and connected to Gd, and tired. We can finally go. Glorious!!!" And they would start singing and dancing in thanks that it's over.​
The appearance of the Kohen song was argued for many years. Was it that "it took so long, we can finally see him, and that's glorious," or "he looks really good, he's been working out this year." Later on, the rabbi's decided that it had nothing to do with keeping in shape. They decided that people should know the service had to do with the Kohen Gadol's connection to Gd, and those really cool bells on the bottom of his tunic.

In the times of The Temple, the Kohen did it all. The people didn’t Daven. Many were happy. To quote, "Thank Gd, the Chazin isn't Schlepping it out." Others would say, "But some of these Levites." Some prayed. They were called prophets. People waited.
We didn’t pray. We would wait. That was the tradition. And thus, the tradition we keep to this day of spending forty hours in shul on the High Holidays. Finally, The Kohen Gadol would send the goat off to Azazel. Then we would wait again. A lot of waiting. Waiting consisted of talking and shushing. That’s where the tradition of shushing people in shul started. People just waited outside the Holy of Holies, wondering when the goat would finally end up in the wilderness, so the Kohen could continue the service, and they could get their nap. “Was the goat in Azazel yet?” Around the Temple you would hear murmurings, "LAzazel." An under the breath comment.
Conversations continued. “Could we move along with the service? My bed is calling. Where is that goat?” And people would respond, "LAzazel." That conversation was had by all. And then an annoying person would come and shush them. The shusher people became known as Gabais.
People would shush those who were waiting. That turned into the great tradition of the pilgrimage. “Why are you going to the Temple?” "To be shushed."
Some people didn’t like being shushed, so they would yell back, “LAzazel,” in frustration of waiting for the Kohen. And to this day, that’s how you scream at people that cut you off on the Highway 1.

Throughout history Jews would talk. Prayer services wasn't going to stop them. The one who talked the most, her name was Yenta. She laid the foundation of a whole group of women that hung out with my Bubbie.
The rabbis created laws to stop people from talking. They came up with prayer books, known as Siddurs and Machzors. They created an idea called Lashon Hara just to not have to listen to congregants. They created youth groups. That got rid of the youth, B"H. They came up with an idea known as volunteering. Volunteering is where the rabbi tells somebody to do something for the congregation that doesn't have to be done, just to get them out of his office. Some rabbis even started giving sermons every week. They talked during those too. None of it worked. Next time, we'll get into the history of all the rabbinic developments that were created to shut up the congregants.

And somehow, people kept talking. The rabbinic authorities realized, the only way to stop these people is to shush them. Nobody likes being shushed. Ever since the Azazel goat. It's an inherited Jewish trait to not like to be shushed. That and a love of a gefilte fish.
It all began with the Azazel goat and the joy of the Kohen Gadol finishing his service. And to this day, we still sing that song of the Kohen Gadol coming out of the Holy of Holies. No devout Jew can escape the joy felt when services are finally over.
Even two-thousand years later we celebrate the ending of that service. And thus, we pray for redemption. So, we can be back in the Temple to witness the joy of the Kohen Gadol finishing services. To quote the students of Rabbi Amaryahu, “It’s so great when it’s over.”

And then they realized these people talk on Shabbat too. And that is how shushing on Shabbat became a tradition. And then they noticed that these people talk on line at the supermarket. And that is how shushing became a tradition there too. And then they realized people talk everywhere. And shushing thus became a tradition in my home. And then it turned out people talk on buses, so in the 1990s it became tradition to not be friendly.
And every time somebody gets shushed, it's tradition to respond, "LAzazel." 

And that is the history intensive of why people shush you in shul, Gabais, Chazins, volunteers, sermons, and why Jews yell "LAzazel."

Elections are upon us, and the High Holy Days are upon us to. And let’s face it, like any politician, you have a lot of apologizing to get in before Yom Kippur. And when you multiply each apology by the necessary three attempts, you probably should have started weeks ago.
The problem is, apologizing is hard. It takes considerable bravery and humility to admit a wrong you committed to the person you committed it against. This is especially true if the person you are apologizing to had no idea you sold their rare Charizard Pokémon card on eBay so you could buy that new Funko Pop Eliyahu HaNavi doll, with the glowing wine goblet.
 
Apologizing Is Not Easy… But What If It Was?
Every day, we see politicians do horrific things, then go on TV, say a few nonsensical words, and somehow convince 75% of the population that they apologized.
How do they do it? How do they make everyone forget what happened with only a few magic words? Luckily for you, I, America’s Rebbitzman, have done the work, studied the tapes, analyzed the statements, and assembled foolproof templates that will have you apologizing like a pro!
Follow the templates below, and while I cannot guarantee your place in the Book of Life, I can guarantee that nobody will be entirely sure what you just apologized for.
 
For Children Apologizing to Their Parents
“I am sorry if you mistook my statement, ‘I hate you and wish you were dead,’ out of context. We all hear what we want to hear when listening to others, and it is unfortunate that you heard something other than the messages of love I was trying to convey.
“You also appear to have had difficulty hearing the positive message contained in my follow-up statement, ‘You are the worst parents and humans ever!’ For your interpretation of these remarks, I am sorry.”
 
For Apologizing to Your Spouse’s Best Friend
“You have implied on multiple occasions that I borrowed your car last week without permission and returned it with a large dent in the passenger-side door. While the emotions you are expressing seem true and very real to you, I, personally, do not recall the instance to which you are referring.
“This activity of taking your car on multiple occasions while you were away on that cruise to Alaska does not seem to be within my character, in terms of who I am as a person. If, however, any of my actions, such as leaving one shoe in the back seat, left in your mind a false narrative that I was responsible for what happened to your car, I am sorry that you have misinterpreted the scenario. Additionally, if you have said shoe, I would appreciate it back.”
 
For Apologizing to Your Spouse
“Over the past few days, there has been a significant focus on events involving myself, your best friend, their car, a large dent, and a running shoe. I would just like to point out that several presidents of the United States had far more serious accusations thrown against them, and they were still allowed to remain in office. I think it is only fair that your full attention is focused on our beloved nation and a full analysis of any wrongs the late Senator Ted Kennedy may or may not have done involving his own car before you turn your scrutiny on your husband, who has never been elected to any office.
“I am sorry you have been so distracted from the real issue at hand. AMERICA.
“I know you spent a long time thinking about which sneakers to buy me for my birthday, and I am working on getting the missing one back. I am sorry for misplacing such a meaningful gift. G-d Bless the United States of America!”
 
Best of luck to you all as you make your annual apologies this Elul. May we all be written into
the Book of Life this year. And remember: If the person you wronged finishes your apology more confused than when you started, congratulations. You may not have mastered teshuvah, but you are ready for public office.

We have decided as a congregation that political discussion is encouraged. We have many people in our shul that disagree with each other, and everybody hates Bracha’s political views.
 
We don’t have preShofar drinking plans. We apologize to The Boys Club. You are the most committed committee in our shul. Each Shabbat this year there were at least eight guys who were drunk at Musaf. We commend your commitment to what you do for our shul.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Purchasing High Holiday seats for Malkie and Surel Finkelman. They haven’t purchased seats yet. Their lack of knowing what it means to be part of a community needs charity.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Importance of Politics and How to Chase Members Away. Great Committees and Commitment- The Boys and How They Chose a Different Member Each Week to Bring Schnapps. What You Must Do for Rosh Hashana Prep and What Our Congregants Don’t Do- A Look at Selichot and Teshuva. The Mitzvah to Purchase a Seat and How to Give More Money to the Shul- Other Mitzvahs Dues Don't Cover and the Mitzvah of Your Rabbi’s Raise.

Rivka’s Community Rundown 
The rabbi started encouraging people to talk politics. He's trying to chase away some of the membership. He's tried everything to get members to stop coming to shul this past year. He's tried serving sardines with the skin at Kiddish. That got rid of a few. He called people to start coming to Minyin during the week. That chased away half the men. To get rid of the sisterhood, he has encouraged politics. The shul went down to six members. He even gave longer sermons. 
The board wanted to get a Minyin for the High Holidays. For Rosh Hashana, to draw the members back, the shul realized they had to change the rabbi's sardine policy. Now they're only serving skinless and boneless sardines, and shmaltz herring. The shmaltz herring brought many of the old-timers back. And for Rosh Hashana they decided people aren't allowed to talk politics during the Shofar blowing, as Max and Bracha get very loud when they talk about how much they love the politicians that hate Jews. They like everybody to be reminded why they hate Max and Bracha.

The drinking buddies are loud. They even call themselves the drinking buddies. How the rabbi allows for a fraternity to have parties Shabbat morning in the shul is messed up.
They’re married guys, and they act like idiots. How they got married, I do not know. I am assuming that their wives are drinking at home.
 
They gave the drinking buddies, The Boys Club, a plaque for their weekly commitment to getting drunk in the middle of Torah Layning and scaring the families.
How it’s a committee, I don’t know. I believe they pick who’s bringing the schnapps. That's what the committee does. They get more accomplished than any other committee. The Lawn Committee still hasn't come up with an idea of how to mow the shul's lawn. They've discussed the need for a cut grass though. That was a few meetings. One of The Boys brought schnapps to that meeting as well.
When it comes to alcohol, our membership is very well organized.
 
Everybody knows that to be part of a community it means you have to give money. People who don't know that are part of Fullview Country Club.
Malkie and Surel are quite wealthy. They just don't like paying for seats because it make them feel like they're not part of the shul family. They said they want to feel comfortable and welcome at shul. To which the board said, "We will have no such thing."
So, now it's an act of kindness to buy Malkie and Surel their High Holiday seats and to stare at them in disgust. 
 
What members did to prepare for Rosh Hashana. The Boys Club drank bourbon. The Schwartzmans asked people to forgive them for anything they "may have done." And then they listed the stuff they might have done, and they lost all of their friends. The rabbi asked for another raise. Malkie and Surel put down a down payment on new home. The price for seats has gone up a lot.
Other than the Schwartzmans, nobody did Teshuva. They realized that if they did repentance more than ten days before Yom Kippur, that would leave them with way too many days where they had to act right. Simcha is waiting till a day before Yom Kippur to start repenting for being a jerk. Simcha insists, "If I have to try to sell Gd on me being a decent human being for more than two days. I don't have the stamina for that. And let's say Bracha starts talking. Let’s say the rabbi brings out the sardines with the skin... I can’t do it. This shul makes me want to be a worse Jew."

The Boys are fighting for Rosh Hashana Shofar drinking. To quote the president of The Boys Club: "The Shofar makes a perfect funnel for the beer."

“And so, we come together as one community, one people, brothers and sisters, to ask H’ to forgive us this Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.” That’s how the rabbi finished his Drasha. And then he ended again with, “I can’t stand this place. I pray I don’t have to do another year of seeing you people." "People" was necessary, as the rabbi wanted it to be clear that he cannot stand anybody in the congregation. If he would've ended it on "you," the congregants would've thought the rabbi was talking about the Gabbai.

Anybody opening the ark is either an old person, or a heretic who shows up once a year. Or a Tzadik, who dedicates his life to Gd. I'm assuming you're a heretic.
They'll have you opening the ark. That's the best honor you'll get. They see you as a heretic, so they don't trust you with leading in any of the services. Instead, they give you physical labor.
Make sure you know how to do it. Get it down. This is your chance to shine as a heretic. And you don't want to look like a Apikores doing that. So, make it look good.

Know When to Open the Ark
Study up on the Machzor. Being your Hebrew is at a first-grade level, since you stopped learning Hebrew in the eighth grade, this is going to be hard. The Gabai tells you the Tefillah you have and they expect you to be up there opening the Aron on time. The problem here is the Gabai assumes that you care about being Jewish. 
You don't want people exhaling. Loud exhales, the sound of hatred and disappointment, runs deep in disgust for people who can't figure out the Aron timing.
Follow the Machzor. They have English notes to tell you when to go up and open the Aron. Those notes are not what the shul does. The Gabai has the notes for when the shul expects you to open the ark. He won't tell you that. So, follow the Machzor. It will give you an idea of when people will be breathing out in anger. If you get a "Nu," you might as well take off your Tallis, fold it, and leave. You failed everybody.
Learn Hebrew or have a guy head nodding you when to open and close the ark.
Hope you don't get Aleiynu. The Gabai tells you "Aleiynu," you're opening and closing the thing multiple times. It's too complicated. Turn in the Tallis if you get Aleiynu. I closed off a friendship after last Yom Kippur, having to coach and "Nu" the guy when to open and close the Aron. I ended up with a crick in my neck till after Sukkot.
Don't worry, you won't get Neilah. They only give that to important people.

Know What Stuff Means
Aron is the ark. It's not an Israeli pronunciation of your friend Aaron. 
The Gabai is the one in the shul who has an official position and no degree of which to speak. The one telling everybody what to do, who was not hired.
Machzor is the thing in your hand. It's a Siddur for the High Holidays. It's called a Machzor because somebody decided to call it that.
Kol Nidrei, Maariv, Shacharit, Musaf, Neilah. These are the prayer services, known as Tefillah, Davening, and stuff that takes a lot longer on the High Holidays. There is Mincha. There is no chance you will be there for that, so don't worry.
Then you have Layning. That's Torah reading. They may ask you to come up to make the blessing. Known as the Bracha, pray they have transliteration up there.
Maybe take a class on being a Jew. Maybe suffer through some sermons during the year. Better yet, sit next to somebody who has anger issues, so you don't mess up anything. 
An Apikores is a heretic. Thought you should know that one.
"Nu" means yes, no, I'm happy, I'm extremely mad, do what you want, we might as well do it, I like the babka, and open the ark already you heretic.

Study the Curtain Pullers Before You
Somebody will make a mistake. They make it impossible to open Aron easily. They want you to feel like an idiot.
Make sure you're pulling the correct string. You pull the wrong side of that rope too fast, you look like an idiot, and people will breathe. You don't want people breathing. Any exhaling in shul means you let them down and Gd.
Start with a soft pull. You get that pull right, start tugging.
And be sure you're strong enough. If they haven't pulled the outside curtain yet, you're pulling a theater drape. They have that rope pulling stuff at Planet Fitness. Train for Yom Kippur there.
Please note, "Curtain Pullers" is not a slur.

Know What to Do
After you pull the correct string, you may have to open the wood part. The goal is to get to the Torah. It's not to get to a closet. People aren't showing up to shul to be awestruck by the carpentry. I must admit, some of these arks are nicer than what the guy did with the renovations in my bedroom.  
If the wood part is already open, you're good to go. You can thank the Gabai for doing something right.
I can't tell you how many times we've been waiting for the ark to get open. The Curtain Puller opens the curtain and stands there like he achieved a momentous goal. Nothing is happening other than fifteen "Nu"s from the congregation. Finally, somebody yells out, "Open the ark." And then somebody breathes. The idiot finally realizes it's not open. Then, he opens the ark and yells, "I opened it," during the part of Davening the Machzor says to not talk.
Lesson is to never trust a Gabai.

In Israel They Lock Up the Torahs
Be ready if you're in Israel. They lock all of the arks, and they give you the honor of opening the ark. If you're not a locksmith, you look like an idiot. If you're a felon, that can also help with breaking into the Aron.
If you're the Gabbai, remember to bring the key. If you take the role of Gabai on, make sure to talk to everybody in shul, and then to shush the people you are not talking to. Otherwise, they will realize you are not Frum, and you have no idea when to open the ark. And remember to bring the key. I feel bad breathing and Nuing at people who don't know how to break in and steal our Torah.
You wonder why there are so many Torahs in Israel. All the religious people breaking into the Arons every Shabbat to read the Torah. The shul boards saw this, and they decided, we have to stop these people. So, they locked the arks.

The Aron Walkaway
This is the climax of the Aron opening production. It's your time to shine.
Shake the rabbi's hand. Shut the curtain first, you idiot. You shut the curtain and then shake the rabbi's hand and whomever else is on the Bima. It's tradition to walk over to the rabbi, and interrupt his Davening.
On your way to your seat, hit each row, with handshakes. Give a wave to the back of the shul. You're the star. Let it be known. If you don't do that, the Chazin will get all the credit.
You walk away right, all else is forgiven. People will be talking. "That guy who couldn't figure out how to open a curtain. That's class. That’s a classy Apikores." 

This information should help you look like a knowledgeable heretic. And remember, people breathing in shul is a bad thing.
Maybe next year, if you work out, they'll trust you with Hagba. It's more manual labor they make people do during the High Holidays.

This month we learned about how to give Tzedaka by not giving it, how to pelt a child who asks to drink some of your liquor, how to keep the laws of Shemita by not keeping Shemita, and the Mitzvah of using vegetation to curse people on Rosh Hashana. Let's learn a bissel Torah.

(Devarim 15:10) Speaking of giving wholeheartedly to the poor, the Torah says, “You shall surely give him, and let your heart not feel bad when you give him, for because of this thing H’ your Gd will bless you…” It always pains me to give Tzedakah. Seeing a destitute guy with a decent meal. Eating pizza, and with the toppings. You give charity, they smile, you know you got ripped off.
Rashi, referencing Sifri, learns from the words “this thing” (“thing” also being “word” in Hebrew) that when you say you’ll give Tzedaka it's like giving it. Don't need to give. Just say it. That’s how the membership at my shul holds by pledges. At the Yizkur appeal they’re very good at bending the tabs.
I always thought it was tradition to bend the numbers on the appeal cards and to not pay. I didn’t know it was a Mitzvah.
So, what did we learn? Say you will give Tzedaka wholeheartedly and don’t answer the shul office when they ask for the money. When a poor person asks for help, don’t pull out your wallet. Say you will give them money and walk away. Run if you have to. And you will feel much better about only have to think about Tzedaka.
 
(Devarim 21:18-21) You pelt and kill the wayward and rebellious son who doesn’t obey his parents. So, go to sleep when your parents tell you. There is more to this law, but don’t take chances. Go to sleep on time and take out the trash when asked.
The parents tell the elders, “He doesn’t listen to our voice. He’s a glutton and a drunkard.” That’s how you get the kids to listen. At least the boys. If you’re a boy, go to sleep on time and stay away from the kitchen. Otherwise, your parents might get you pelted with stones. And stay away from the liquor cabinet. You don’t need dad blaming you again for his drinking problem. Still can’t figure out how to get the girls to help around the house. There’s no Pasuk for that.
 
(Laws of Kashrut, Rabbi Cohen p.68) Better to buy Heter Mechira than from gentiles during Shemita, to avoid hurting Jewish agriculture. We believe in the laws of Shemita and that Gd will provide, but not that much.

The Talmud (Keritut 6a) encourages us to eat symbolic food on Rosh Hashana because “symbolism has meaning.” Thus, we focus on puns about carrots to connect to H’.
During the High Holidays, we focus our prayers on what happens to our enemies who don’t keep pomegranates. Pomegranates means Mitzvahs. Good Jews understand the symbolism of vegetations, and how to curse our enemies with produce. "May our enemies die like a pomegranate that got attacked by a jussher."

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: As long as you think about giving Tzedaka, you don't have to give it. That makes giving charity much easier. It's also easier to get your child killed for eating lunch than to have to pay for that kid to go to Jewish day school. And it's important to keep safe on Rosh Hashana. Stay away from Jews holding a vegetables. They get violent.
A lot of violence and not helping the poor. That's what we learned from Rabbi David.

The Shul Tehillim group will take place this Thursday. We will continue the reading in Hebrew. We don’t believe the understanding of words will help our members. Prayer is better from you in a language you don’t know. H’ would rather not hear your real thoughts.

We’re having another fundraiser dinner this week to honor.
Last year's annual dinner, the Schwartzs were offended. Only eight people came. We know people don’t like the shul, but to also not like Bernard and Henny Schwartz is something we didn’t foresee.
This week’s Shalishudis is in memory.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Stop Talking in the Back Left of the Shul. An act of kindness by keeping your mouths shut.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Chaya Understanding Davening Will Help Nobody & Other Problems She Has with the Shul Air-Conditioning System. The Chiyuv to Honor and Remember So the Shul and the Day School Can Make Money- Why we Need the Names and Other Reasons Nobody Donates to Our Shul. The Reason Nobody Likes the Men in the Back Left and Why Their Wives Send Them to Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul needs better aircon. We've been using the heating this summer, to cool down the sanctuary. It's like my nephew's car. It's like hanging in my uncle's house, who's trying to save money. It's like sitting in an old age home with a working air-conditioner.

What is the Tehillim group? It's a group of women who are planning to say Tehillim one day. But they do get together. And that is important itself.

Nobody understands a word they are saying. And that is what we call Davening. Some of the members don't even know what that word means. And those people are called heretics. They sometimes even pray in English, because that's what Apikorsim do. They try to understand what they're saying.
The rabbi has to speak out more against this people saying their prayers in a language they understand. We are now a shul with a good reputation of being Frum, because not one person understands what's going on.
The real thoughts of the membership is complaints. If they were to have Tehillim their way, they would be complaining to Gd about dues. Something about Kind David not having to pay membership fees and Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. Shacharit would be, "We hope Samantha doesn't make that egg salad again. Please make sure it's not Samantha's egg salad."
Chaya would be forgetting anything about Jerusalem, asking Gd for better air-conditioning. And that would be her only prayer for the people. "Can we get an aircon unit that hits the right front of the ladies' section."
 
“To honor.” That’s where it stopped. That is what the fundraiser is honoring. Honor.
No name. Just to honor. The board has taken into account the hurt of the Schwartz dinner. It will forever be known as the Schwartz dinner. The shul doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They want the synagogue name wiped from it. They had that annual dinner in the rabbi's backyard, at a picnic table. They don't want to hurt anybody, so now, all dinners are just "in honor."

The “in memory” for Shalishudis did not make sense. So, the third Shabbat meal is in memory of somebody. No idea who. That has nothing to do with offending anybody. They just forgot. I'm beginning to think, the board just forgot who they were honoring. They just left it "honor," and they're hoping somebody fesses. 
If people in our shul would stop forgetting stuff, that would be a miracle. The shul is like a memory care congregation.

I don't understand the honoring thing. And it's not even a Tefillah. It's not a prayer, I should understand. The tradition is to honor people for something. Never know what it is. It's a fundraiser dinner I have to go. That's what it is. Whatever the reason, you have to go.
Now I have to show to honor people and lose another $300?! Like going broke on Bar Mitzvahs isn’t enough?!
If you don't show up to a fundraiser, you're either against the shul or the family. Last year it was tough to tell, as people really hate the Schwartzs. The shul made a mistake honoring them. They thought that since everybody knows them, and talks about them, they should be honored. They didn't take into account that they're all talking about how much they can't stand them. 
We should have a dinner where nobody speaks Lashon Hara. A once-a-year dinner where nobody talks bad about these people.

Now, I hate organizations and people. And this past year, we've been able to pay off some of our mortgage.
I have no friends now on purpose, and I hate the shul. The shul knows it. I told the shul office I hate them, and they said, "You're a member."
 
Did they have to announce that nobody likes the Schwartzs. Some things are better not said. Now we all have to show up to their next dinner. I pray nobody honors these people again. That's my prayer when I go to shul. That's what I ask Gd for when I pray in a language I understand.
 
I can tell you that the shul lost money not mentioning names. You need the names to pull money from people. Nobody showed up to the Schwartz dinner, but they gave donations. No way out of that. The general donation given was a in honor of “I can’t stand the Schwartzs.” That's what the members wrote on their dedications for the donation. And the Chiyuv was fulfilled. And you didn’t have to spend a night at dinner with them. 
Why they read each donation at the dinner in the rabbi's backyard is messed up.

And the back left of the shul will not stop talking about how much they can't stand them. Mr. Schwartz has moved to the front of the shul. He still doesn't Daven. Yet, as he said, "I feel more comfortable where people can't talk." Since then, Mr. Schwartz has been the greatest advocate for no talking during Davening. Before that, the guy couldn't shut up. Can't stand him.
Nowhere in the Torah does it say that when you come into The Land that you should not take the Schwartzs with you.
And that is Lashon Hara about the Schwartzs.

With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, it's time to look at ourselves and to take an accounting. As such, it's important we focus on others and how they can improve. Many people out there are very annoying. There a lot of people I can't stand.
Here are character traits I've noticed at shul that we have to get rid of. And it seems a lot of people have them.

People who don't say hi. They know me. We Daven together every day. I think they notice me. They must. When I pass them, they seem angrier.
People who say hi in French. What are they trying to prove.
People who say Shabbat Shalom when I say "Good Shabbis." 
People who say Good Shabbis when I say "Shabbat Shalom."
People who say Guten Shabbis. I already said "Good Shabbis." Why are you correcting my Yiddish?! Are there grammatical mistakes in Yiddish?! If I don't read The Forward, are there grammatical mistakes?! In the Satmar community, are they worried about grammar?!
People who say Forvard, that were born in America.

People who correct me, and are not telling me I'm a bad Jew. I'm fine hearing I'm a bad Jew. I need Musar. If you say hi, you can tell me I'm a bad Jew.
Somebody didn't say hi to me the other day and I don't know if I'm going to get over it.
People who smell bad.
People who take off their shoes. This isn't the Temple. Your kid just threw a lollipop and I stepped on it.
People I don't want to say hi to.

People who don't hold the door open. Where are you rushing to? If you're going to shul, you're not running to the sanctuary. If you're a member of my shul, you're not in good enough shape to run.
People who don't say thank you. 
People who I hold the door for who don't say thank you. Every kid in the shul. The not appreciative pieces of Gehenim.
Their parents. By the way, where are they. 
Anybody who's entitled. And I don't think we should give the executive director another raise.
Anybody who is not appreciative. And I'm not talking about Chanukah Gelt. That's not actually money. I just learned about that.
People who don't give a thank you nod. I like thank you nods. I feel they're more universal for those who can't hear. Which is everybody in my shul during Torah reading. All talking very loud. I'll explain. I like people who explain. That takes away the guessing. When they explain, it's clear they don't like me.

People who are too religious. People who are heretics. Anybody who doesn't Daven the way I like.
People who argue with me when I give a Dvar Torah. I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. You can be fine with it too.
People who feel a need to push the idea they have that there's no Gd. And what are they doing in shul?! This is why we have to start charging for potato kugel. People like it. And some of those people don't say Brachas. 
People who ask me for forgiveness and then tell me what they did. That didn't help the relationship.

People who walk in the back of the sanctuary. Get your steps in at home. If you think you’re getting into shape at shul, look around at the congregants. Nobody is in shape at our shul.
People who walk backwards from the ark. And you wonder how people get injured.
Snobby people. How snobby can you be when you're a Frum Jew wearing a white shirt?! The cool cats that have five friends who consider each other cool. Again. You're wearing a white shirt! If not, you're wearing a shirt with colors on it, to stand out. Which means you've went out of your way to be cool, and you're going to Gehenim. Point is, if you're wearing a shirt, you're not cool and you should be accepting of everybody. Point is, don't be an --- ----.

People who don't smile. I know you're not happy. Smile. I'm not happy to have to see you either.
I get it. It's shul. You have to see these people too. Got to put on that smug face, make Davening and life worse. ​Welcome to shul. Where angry people come to pray together, as a community, before Gd.
People who learn too much. They then think it's a good idea for you to learn too.
Kids. How did these guys make it into the community. Kids is a character trait. Also known as people who don't clean up after themselves.
People who don't help. Those are people known as members.
People who take helping too seriously. They scare other people.

People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
People who come in and just sit. You've been coming to shul for eighteen years. You've seen Maurice sitting there for eighteen years. Would you not think that seat is Maurice's. I see a kid winning at musical chairs. I kick them out. Let them know they're inconsiderate. The wayward child.
Any youth director who thinks musical chairs is a fun game. They’re a Rasha.
People who don't say anything to the guy sitting in Maurice's chair.
People who don't say anything when people smell bad. That leads to Lashon Hara.
And then, I'm considered rude for saying something.
People who don't speak Lashon Hara. Ruining every conversation. Keep your not speaking Lashon Hara to yourself. Or don't come to Kiddish.

​The ignoring people. You see me. I see you. The guy didn't say hi to me. I will not let it go.
People who ignore you and then they expect you to want to talk to them. Why? Because a cool guy in a white shirt is talking to you.
People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
Mrs. Feldblum's hat. That's a character trait.

People who take too long with their Davening. They're making you wait. It doesn't take that long to say Shema, if you don't understand it.
People who don't go to the Kiddish table and take as much as they can. They're snobs. Do they think they're better than everybody else, not getting violent.
It's good to get it out.
Not friendly people. Again, we are all religious Jews. If you think you're cool because your Kippah looks like it's about to slide off the side of your head, now do you understand.
People who talk about others. There's a reason. I can't stand them either. This should be allowed.

People who don't visit the elderly. Are you expecting Ethel and Merv to wheelchair themselves out of the nursing home to wish you a Shana Tova?! Ehtel and Merv who bought the shul.
None appreciative pieces of Gehenim. I think I said that. I hope you appreciate my helping you get it out before Yom Kippur.
People who make a turn and don't signal. There is no place in the community of Gd for them.
People who cut off Maurice. 
I am mad on behalf of Maurice.
There are so many more people I can’t stand. If the board would just kick these people out, we would finally witness the redemption.

Truth is, we need these people. Without these annoying people, we wouldn’t have community. We would have nice people who get along. And that’s not a congregation.
Redemption would ruin our membership. I would come to shul, having to see people smiling at me, thanking me for holding the door for them, while they wheel in Ethel for a Yom Kippur Davening that's over in an hour and a half. It wouldn't be shul.
 
Note from me: This statement here is my "Hineni" prayer. It is my pleasure to share it with you, as I lead my flock this High Holiday season. It's my Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev prayer on behalf of my congregation.

Tircha DTzibur- a) A bother to the congregation, such as Bernie talking during Kiddish. Any joke he tells you, as he is repeating it again. b) Anybody leading Davening with Kavanah. Sentence: ‘What is this guy doing? We are trying to get out of here and he is pronouncing each word. That is not why we come to Shul.’

Chason/Chatan- A man whose family members tell him, after the wedding, that his life will change. Sentence: ‘Now your decisions aren’t yours.’ Said by his uncle, to remind him that his uncle made a bad decision and he regrets it. Another Sentence: ‘Just remember these words: “I am sorry.”’ Response: A required laugh, from everybody who already heard Uncle Tivi say this at every Sheva Brachot. Response from the Chatan: ‘Why did nobody mention this until now?! Would you not think this is something you would have brought up before the wedding?!’ See Uncle Tivi for a guy who is not happily married.
 
Kallah- Somebody you have to say is pretty. Sentence Causing Discomfort for All: ‘I know this may sound awkward, because the man you are getting married to today is my best friend. However, it is my Halachik duty to tell you that you’re really hot.’ Another Awkward Sentence: ‘Don’t tell Chaim I think you are a 10. Go, walk down that aisle. We are all checking you out.’ Followed by a catcall and cheers, to fulfill the Mitzvah of making the Chatan and Kallah happy.

Baseball Hat- What religious Jews wear to hide the fact they’re Jewish. Sentence: ‘I couldn’t tell if he’s Jewish. He had a beard, baseball hat and a suit.’ Sentence from Trucker: ‘He’s got a beard and a hat. I think he’s a biker with a minivan. Never seen a biker traveling with his wife and family. His wife is also a biker. She’s wearing a bandana. The most extravagant bandana I’ve ever seen... The kids are little bikers. They are too young, but they are trying to grow beards. Growing out their side-curls... Wait. They just went into McDonald’s. Didn’t buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They’re Jewish.’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of how people should pray without any thought, so it can go faster for him at shul. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we know not to invite David to our child's wedding.
Thank Gd, David is not an anti-Semite. 

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.

Israelis excel at jujitsu because they followed the Sensei who said, “Ju-do.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jew do. Ju do. That’s how he pronounced judo. I think. He was an anti-Semite. You can’t plural ju-do as jus-do. That’d kill the pun. You have to read it. Some things in life only work in writing. Which is why my doctor writes the prescriptions.

Many Jews participated a lot of Sinat Chinam over the years, because it was free. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sinat Chinam means baseless hatred. It’s why the Temple was destroyed. But Chinam means free. So, it’s free hatred of other people. And this pun is starting to sound anti-Semitic.
It’s free to hate, so it doesn’t cost that much. So, you can do a lot of it. That still sounds antisemitic. 
 
My date ordered coffee with extra fresh milk at the calfe. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was a calfe. Not a cafe. They had calves running it. They wanted to be milked. Oh boy. She ended up drinking a lot of cowfee. You get it? Coffee. Cowfee. Coffee from a cow. She liked the milk. Two puns right there for you. I mean Meyooo. That’s a cow saying “you.” Meyoo get it. Cowfee at the calfe with the cowristas. 
This pun was not antisemitic. Cows charge a lot for their cowfee. 

I was going to grade H’, but you’re not allowed to test Him. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We don't test H'. (Devarim 6:16) “Don’t test H’ your Gd.” That includes multiple choice. If you don't test, it's hard to grade. Pedagogy doesn't apply to H'. That's what makes Him Gd.

What’s an ant that wants family to be at their wedding? A cantaloupe! (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An antelope would be an ant that can elope. Science. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe. It's a religious ant. C-ant-aloupe. Not the fruit. A type of ant. Ant is in there, in the middle. The ant can't elope. Religious ants don't do that. Wants her family to be there. And she likes fruit.
That ant that shows up at the wedding is your mother’s sister that doesn’t hate you.

They named a band after my father. They called it Abba. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The band ABBA. It’s named after a Jewish dad. They made that movie. Mamma Mia! What’s weird, they didn’t even give my dad a cameo. Anti-Semites.

Why do you wait till night to eat a Danish? It's a "Day Nisht"! (Mordechai)
You get it? DayNisht. Not during the day. Advice. If I waited and not eaten at Kiddish Shabbis morning, I wouldn’t feel so bloated. Learn Yiddish and you’ll understand. And you’ll be healthier, eating pastry at night. 

​Note: You've learned how puns are a good way to express antisemitism. And you’ve also learned the science of a cantaloupe, that cannot marry an ant. There is so much we teach you. And now you know when to eat pastry. If you knew Yiddish, we wouldn’t have to tell you. 

Shalom Dave,
You wanted more information about the speed dating and what happened with the girls I met. Well, I went on another speed date thing, and I met more girls. This thing is amazing. I've met so many girls. I haven't met one in person yet. But that's not the point. I'm doing great online.
Tu BAv, I was on the online speed dating too. Figured, there's less of a chance of getting stood up online. It's hard to say "I couldn't find the internet, so I went home." Though, some have said that.
I’ll tell you about the follow-up dates next time. In the meantime, let me tell you what I learned. This thing is great. You can meet anywhere. You can get in and out of the dates with no blame. You can present yourself better. On screen, you only have to show shoulders up. I can skip leg and torso date preparation. 

I have a more positive approach now. Thanks for that push of, “You can do it. Online, you’ve got a chance.” I appreciate that.
Check it out. Last time I clicked yes on three of them. Got two yeses back. I’m telling you, standards are different online. They’re more desperate virtually. And they have no idea why I have the beard. I place the camera looking down a bit. They can't see the extra chins.

​I'm getting this down. And there are so many options for the date itself.
Where do you meet? Let me tell you how it goes. It's speed dating, Dave. It's not the real date. It's that initial meeting. And it's online. You don’t have to travel an hour and sit in a room with these people. You sit in your kitchen, and then you tell them you have to go.
And it's great for women too. You meet the guy real quick, and then the Yutz is off the screen. The beauty of speed dating online. You go onto the next date with the other guy who’s too cheap to go on a date outside of his den.
I realized I can go on these dates anywhere my Wi-Fi reaches.
You can date in your living room, kitchen, den. The options are endless. You can even meet in a cafe if they have free internet. How many people go to a cafe and have somebody to talk to nowadays. You see all these people sitting alone, on their computers. Here, you’re on your computer with somebody. That’s socializing.
And then five minutes later, you're on the screen with someone else. The barista is starting to think you're a player. Everybody is talking, "Look at that guy. Everybody wants to see him not in person."

​I've been mastering the online dating persona. And that means my place has to look good and I have to look good.
I could've done better. Next time, I'm going to clean the backdrop a bit. There was a spider web right behind my head the whole time. I had the whole house and I was talking from a spider web. Second date with one of the girls, mold was growing.
I' lucky I have my own place. There was no roommate in the background.

It's tough for the divorcees. It's tough to date with family
Turns out a lot of these women have kids. I can handle kids on a regular date. I can't handle them on an online date. They're there.
Some of these women are calling from the bathroom. Trying to avoid the kids. 
You hear family yelling in the background because mom didn't serve them dinner. And it's hard to explain, "There's no dinner because mom is out on a date right now. In the bathroom."
One was on the speed date from her living room. Kids were running around in the background. I had a hard time clicking "yes" on that girl. 
One called from her car. Her daughter was on the speed date from the back seat. That was awkward. I'm asking what you want in a family. The mother is like, "Not that thing in the back seat." The girl is like, "Ice cream." I was thinking, "A booster seat is important." Her daughter ended up rejecting me.
I'm happy that one didn't work out. I don't need her bringing the kids to Shlomo's Steak and Burger. Now she's not the only one scoring a free meal.

You have to put aside the time. I did it. You've got to give me credit for that. You think I'm not trying, but I am. I should've cleaned my living room a bit before the speed date call. Maybe vacuumed. I will say, that woman's bathroom was impeccable. Sparkling.
You've got to prepare for these things. Comb your hair. Shave. Cut your nails. You should put on pants. 

And a great feature is it’s timed. So, I can't say too much. Talking too much you get in trouble. And the screen is your excuse to run from the crazies. You see 58 seconds on the screen, that means you start to say goodbye. “Shoot. Got to go. Would love to continue this conversation about your little puddle. But I can’t. Oh. No.”

I think I have it down. Maybe soon, I'll be able to meet them in a cafe, in person. Baby steps.

Brachas,
​David

Tolerance is the issue. The board discussed it. We realize our shul has too much tolerance. This is why Davening is long, Melvin still tells his jokes, and people with no personality join the board. 
There will be a board meeting this week to discuss if the shul should tolerate members. Members are very annoying.

Due to Aliyah Card success and our rabbi’s new Keebud Honors Card business, we’ve opened up the cards to many new shul Kavods and requirements. New cards include: “Have to Give a Kiddish Cards” which will be given to the Felzowitz Mishpuchi who have never sponsored Kiddish. The Felzowitz family who eats at every Kiddish like they’re not going to find lunch. “Please shut your mouth” for the congregants in the back left. And “Please Do Not Come to Shul. I believe we already have a Minyin” to keep Bernie out.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re looking for people to smile so I won’t want to shoot myself when I see congregants. To quote the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Tolerance & How That Leads to Members with Ideas. When Telling People to Shut Their Mouths with a Card That Says to "Shut Up" Doesn't Keep Them from Talking During Your Sermon- The Art of Speaking to People You Want to Hurt. Kiddish Sponsorship and How Much the Felzowitz Family Eats for Free. Smiling and How People Might Not Hate You- The Art of Not Being a Jerk in Halacha.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
I’m all for less tolerance. I don't need to hear about Melvin's mother-in-law anymore. He keeps on telling me how he enjoys taking her to the airport. How that's his favorite part of her trips. I'm beginning to think he truly doesn't like her. Either that, or he likes to repeat his jokes. He also said something about being successful to not please his wife, but to spite his mother-in-law.
This tolerance thing is setting us back a few years in the development of America. Whatever happened to freedom to hate? I can't say I hate people anymore, unless if it's Caitlin Clark. I have to tolerate people Chuching and coughing up phlegm in shul now. It's not fine to say, "You're disgusting. Get out of here, you heretic." It's just very annoying. I have to accept the other congregants.
The board meetings are painful now too. The president gave a speech on tolerance, and how we have to accept other people. The whole time, I wanted to tell her to shut up. The speech took an hour. Nobody could interrupt her. That would've been intolerant. Turns out intolerance of stupidity is also not allowed.
 
Due to all the new honor cards, everybody in our shul now gets honored. Samantha was honored with the biggest hat. She got a card for that. Pinny was honored with "The Oldest Single Guy Who Has Never Been Married." He also got a card to remind him he doesn't wear a Tallit. I feel like the cards are now turning into a way to mock people. And it adds a level of mockingness when the cards read “Honored With.” “Honored with The Oldest Guy Who Has Never Been Married. Honored with Loneliness.”
Paul got a card that read "The Guy with the Mustache People Comment On." Paul didn't even know everybody was talking about it. Though, it's ugly as sin.
The people who didn’t give a Kiddish in honor of their sons Bar Mitzvah. That was a card. “Honored with Being Cheap.” They got a card and a bill.
“Not Athletic.” Gave that card to Pinny. Pinny is now not athletic and very single.
 
The rabbi also started pulling in tons of money when he realized that they need English on the cards too. Doubled the business. Hebrew and English cards. He's branching out to Spanish and Portuguese.

At the board meeting about tolerance, nothing about ethnicity or race was brought up. Everybody already agrees we shouldn't tolerate others. It was however decided that we have to tolerate members. Otherwise, we will have no use for the Aliyah Cards. Even so, all agreed that members are very annoying and should be hated. All who agreed are members of the shul.

Not one smile. The rabbi's class on smiling didn't work. Even with their smiles, I still hated all the people who showed up. Maybe it's their smiles. Even when they smile it makes me mad. When our congregants smile, it's like watching a bunch of villains. Their eyes open wide and it looks like they want to kill me. But I have to tolerate that. If they pay dues, I have to tolerate.

Laws 5-7: Everything is made up of matter and Gd, even the Gabai of the shul. If it wasn't for science, I would have to think that there is no Gd in congregants.

Law 5: There is fire, wind, water and earth. Between those, they keep changing from one to the other. For example, the earth close to the water, becomes water. And that is the extent to which I studied science. 
We had earth science in seventh grade, but I was already a Talmid Chacham, so I insisted that I learn science from the Rambam. I didn't do very well in college. Even so, I do understand how the four main elements interact, and I know that if I throw water on fire, the two will mix.
Why Mark keeps changing his mind about whether we should be purchasing Wheaties for the shul breakfast or not, I do not know.

Law 6: The revolution of the sphere causes these four elements to mix. And for some reason, the earth's revolution can't make a decent bundt cake. You need my sister to do that. Science has its limitations.
These elements combine and form matter, such as man, beasts, plants stones, metals, and Mark. Truly can't stand the guy. 
Gd gives all of this matter the form. Which is why some people don't look right. They have too much water in them. Again. Mark.

Law 7: Man knows that everything with a body is made of matter and form. But they know very little of how to get from 34th St. to 86th St. in the middle of the day. Got me stuck in a lot of traffic.
There are forms which have no matter. We can't see them, but we know of them with our heart, "like we know of the Master of everything." And I just hope this doesn't come up on a test. I don't know if my science professor accepts that as proof of angels. Nonetheless, they're a heretic. And even heretics are made of matter and form. 
B"H Rambam acknowledges H' in science.

​They didn't have the periodic table back then. But they did know about fire and wind and Gd. Now it's all about atoms and chemical reactions. I've seen the table. There is no element called "Gd" there. And that's why I skipped chemistry. 
If you're a heretic, study the periodic table. Let's see where that gets you in Shamayim.
Point is, there's spiritual stuff out there, and most teachers are going to Gehenim.

Lesson: Gd is part of science. And that is how I passed my secular studies courses at Yeshiva High.

It's Gd's world. Hence, it's important to understand it, to see Gd in His world. However, once you start bringing in tables, things mess up. You start having to talk to people like Mark.

Yeah. That's the name of the article. And now you're not happy, and you're too negative. You hear Mamdani and your day is ruined.
Don't let Mamdani bring you down. The cost of deli is way up. We don't need more problems in our community. We must see what Zohran Mamdani has done for our people in a positive way. Mamdani is good for the Jews. 
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see some of what Mamdani has done his first half a year in office.
Before we get going, Rachel wants everybody to know that she believes it is best you skip this piece. She believes that all we need to write is, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that.
Let's see if we can pull this and make Mamdani positive for you. 

Jews are getting blamed for everything. The subway system not running on time. Unplowed streets. People freezing to death because Mamdani said staying on the streets in freezing weather is a good idea. We have to credit for these things. They're not blaming us. They are crediting us.

A guy with a bomb showed up to a protest. He was screaming "Allahu Akbar." Mamdani made it clear that it had nothing to do with the guy being Muslim. That is a relief. And the Jews of New York can feel safer.
 
His wife is pro the October 7th Massacre. It's his wife. Not him. He has nothing to do with his wife. How many men even talk to their wives?! Wait. How many men want to talk to their wives?! If you were married to Rama, would you want to talk to her?!
Mamdani is pro-Israel. Which is why his wife likes posts which say "Jews get out of Israel. We hate you. You should die." We have to stop judging him.
Mamdani is not anti-Israel. He hates Jews. And he's very sincere about it. Is it not a Jewish moral to be honest.

Mamdani decided to clear snow for the city by having people shovel. One of his advisors brought up the idea of using plows. That was met with, "You idiot. You remove snow with shovels." To which the advisor asked, "Can we expect people to shovel? They don't have shovels." To which Mamdani said, "Yes." "How do you shovel without a shovel?" To which Mamdani replied, "With IDs."
Jews of New York were given the option to come out and help shovel. That was nice that he gave us a choice. And people are against communism?!
And not one Jew showed up to shovel. To quote Zalmy, "I have a bad back." To quote Bernie, "I have a bad back." To quote Shirley, "I have a bad back." I believe Chaim, Sarah Rivka and Ruchel said the same thing. And each one of them continued with, "I went outside and I felt a draft."
Point is, nobody blamed Jews for the dumb idea of shoveling. First time Jews haven't been blamed or credited for stupidity. Everybody knows Jews don’t do physical labor.
 
Mamdani has over Mahmoud Khalil, the guy who terrorized Jews at Columbia University. He did this to show he's against terrorism. I think. Somehow that was the message.
How can you combat terrorism if you’re not doing it.

Mamdani commissions Syrian monument near the Twin Towers memorial. This is done out of respect for those who were taken from us on September 11. He is taking some of the burden of hate from the Jews. He feels it is wrong to hate Jews so much, so he is putting himself out there. The guy is a martyr. 

On St. Patrick's Day he made it clear that there is a genocide against Palestinians. In Israel, we've been wondering who's perpetrating this genocide that we keep hearing about. Finally, we know. It's the Irish.

Mamdani refused to go to the Israel Day Parade. That at least gave the Jews something to celebrate.
He knew there would be American flags there and that offends him. 
Mamdani made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens. He knows Israel doesn’t do that, and thus he doesn't support Israel or America. He made it very clear. He only supports rape. Jews don’t support that.
Police commissioner Tisch said she’s going to be at the Israel Day Parade in NYC. Right in front of Mamdani. “I will support it. He won’t. I will... This guy is an idiot… He's going to fire me anyways. I'm Jewish. My name is Tisch. The jig is up. Might as well go."
 
Early July, it’s too hot. So, for the sake of the workers, Mamdani asks all employers to keep the air-conditioning at 78 degrees for the power grid. Jews love the Shvitz.
We will not lie. At the Kibbitzer, the air-conditioning hasn't been working this summer. Nonetheless, when we set it to 78, the room keeps at a steady 78 degrees. 
 
To celebrate July 4th and the 250th Anniversary of America Mamdani let everybody know how much he hates America. To quote, "I hate America almost as much as I hate Jews."
He had a group of people standing by him in the video. All of who were questionably American, wearing native Hindu garb. I say this, because every one of them had a straight face. They were from the Far East and not of them understood what he was saying. They speak English. They were just dumbfounded by his stupidity.
He didn't have any Jews standing behind him. We have enough antisemitism going on in New York as it is. We don't need ICE coming for us too.

He says “Free Palestine” and calls Jews Nazis in support of Israel. The Nazis, Yimach Shimam vZohran, never accepted Jews into their ranks. So, in a way, Mamdani is pro-Israel.
With a straight face he said Israel is committing war crimes. He only said this in support of the Jews of New York. To keep them safe. To quote, "All people of New York should be safe. And Jews are mass murderers."
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election. Everybody needs a platform, and our people are on the ticket.
Mamdani’s campaign of “we hate Jews" was greatly successful in bringing on city councilmen. Jews voted “Yes. We hate Jews too."
We're trying very hard to make this positive. 
 
Katz’s Deli bans Mamdani. Amazing. Love it. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them.
Oy. That felt good.
Bans are so fun. Without Mamdani, who would we be banning from Katz's.

He left Little Italy off the map of New York. He thought nobody would notice. It turns out, the Italians noticed. 
​He left off Little Israel too. Nobody said anything about that. He already left Israel off the globe. Many Jews didn't understand the complaint about not having Little Israel. To quote, "Brooklyn is there."
He left out Boro Park, Williamsburg, the diamond district. Jews are happy about that. We don't need him giving out a map of where they can attack us. 
He did have Little Palestine. We were all questioning what this Palestine thing is that everybody is talking about. Where it exists. Turns out, it's a country in Brooklyn. 
​Now this all makes sense. All of Mamdani is focusing on “Palestine” because it’s in New York. When they say “from the river” they’re talking about the East River. And we must move on from that joke.

He said he's going to arrest Bibi. Haaretz is happy about that.
Mike Huckabee’s statement: “Would be easy to say NY Mayor is just an ignorant bigot, but he is not dumb. He's an evil anti-Semite who deliberately lies about serious things like 'genocide' to stoke Jew hate. If anyone should be arrested, it's the Mayor of NY for incitement. NYC should be ashamed.” Without Mamdani, people would feel bad about hating us. Now the people of New York can feel shame. And who loves feeling shame more than Jews.
 
You can finally say, "Shut up Jew." You can go down the streets yelling, "Baby killers!!! Genociders!!!"  And you can feel good about telling a Jew to "Shut the F up." Nobody has ever spoken out for the anti-Semites. What about them. They're a people too. And Mamdani is for all New Yorkers. All the minorities.
 
He ran away from a proNYPD even, escorted by eighty cops. Turn out he's not defunding the police. People think they’re not seeing police around is because he’s defunding them. No. He’s taken them for himself. Precinct Mamdani. Point is we have to stop blaming him for what he is doing.

He wants to go to September 11 memorial ceremony. He likes being where people hate him. He might even show up to the Israel Day Parade next year.

Pied-à-terre tax. No idea what that means. It’s amazing how we have to use French when we have no English word to describe a dumb idea. We’re going to tax people for not being around too. It takes the French to come up with that. He didn't use Hebrew. We don't need to be blamed for more stuff.
If he gave us credit for raising taxes, would it be that bad. 

Raising taxes on landlords. You know what that means. Jews are moving to Israel. He is the greatest promoter of Aliyah. And to have the Chutzpah to say he doesn’t like Israel.

Wait. Another shul was attacked. Now we know where they are attacking us. And we know now who wants to kill us.
Mamdani has lived up to his campaign promises.

In just a half a year, he has accomplished so much. How many people could ruin a city that fast.
And with all his work, he still found time to pay attention to Jews, and to give us credit for stuff.
Now that you all feel better about Zohran Mamdani, we are moving the Kibbitzer to the south.

We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

This month we learned about Tisha BAv, Shema and marrying people you don't think are hideous, which has caused the Shidduch industry to take a big hit. Let's learn a Bissel Torah.

It’s our tradition to read Megilat Eicha on the night of a Tisha BAv in the dark, with flashlights, because that draws the flies to you.
 
(Kiddushun 41a) You have to see a woman before marrying her. Bothersome as it is, you’ll probably have to see her after you’re married too.
Rav Yehuda says Rav says it’s forbidden to betroth a woman until seeing her because he might see something repulsive. Some girls have the big skirt buckles. Some guys are repulsed by those. If he becomes repulsed, he may end up violating the Mitzvah of loving your neighbor as yourself (Vayikra 19:18). This doesn’t mean you should be checking out your neighbor’s wife. There is no Mitzvah to love your neighbor’s wife. Just your neighbor. A little misreading can lead to a lot of problems in the community.
And this is why commentary is important.

(Berachos 12b) We should have added Bilam’s Bracha of the Jews to the Shema. We don’t add it because of Tircha DTzibur. It’s a bother to the congregation, as it would take a long time. Instead, we wait half an hour for people to finish the Shema prayer.
It speaks of H’ guarding us, so we have the serenity of a lion and lioness (Rashi- Bamidbar 24:9). Even this explanation is getting long. I’m going to stop that here. And I’m going to say Shema faster. You know what else is a Tircha DTzibur. When somebody enunciates the words of their Davening.
For some reason, the Gemara says nothing about making everybody wait half hour, while staring at you, trying to figure out why he's making us all wait. Nothing was said about the rabbi's job being to make people wait a very long time, so that they can become very frustrated. No Mitzvah of causing everybody to be extremely frustrated and to not want to show up to Minyin was mentioned.

(Nidda 30b) Before birth you learn all of Torah. And then an angel comes hits you on your mouth, and you forget it. This teaching is there to comfort us, knowing how easily we forget stuff. We also learn from this that angels have a very violent temper. We learn much from this teaching, and then we forget it. 
And this is why I was never good at Judaic studies. The angel.

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: Mourning is best done with a flashlight, as flies cause us to think about the Destruction of the Temples. Don't marry ugly people, because you can't love them. Kavanah, focus on Gd during Davening, is bad. And you should blame everything on angels. Not Jews. And we all now feel like worse people.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

Davening longer than twenty-five minutes isn't allowed anymore. We want people to not hate shul. A two-minute Shema is painful enough. Chazaras HaShas, the cantor's out loud repetition of the Amidah prayer for the community, should be fast and not heard by anyone.
The rabbi said you can yell at the Baal Tefillah if their Davening is too long. You can yell, “Move faster. Your Davening is annoying everyone. Your Kavana is painful to the congregation. We hate you.”
 
No more than two family members mentioned during post Aliyah Mishebeyrachs. You get up to say the blessing over the Torah, nobody needs to hear about your new niece. Too many people are receiving Mishebeyrach blessings and it’s adding time to Minyin. People are mad, and now more people hate Jews.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We are looking for strong people to kick people out of shul who do Mishebeyrach after their Aliyahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Cause of Communal Hate and How It’s Our Chazin. The Pain of You Remembering the Names of Fifty Family Members. How Praising People Leads to Wars- A History of How We Lost Membership.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The focus this week was how to get Davening done faster. I suggested we just skip it. The rabbi wasn't fine with that. Though he liked the idea.
When Davening takes too long, you can't focus on anything else. So, I'm happy we focused our shul discussion on finishing Davening faster this week. Otherwise, I would have been cursing out Felvel and his whole family, who he mentioned after his Aliyah. I took down all the names. Hate them all. They'll say they had nothing to do with Felvel going off on all of them, remembering who they're the child of. They still deserve to be hated. Nothing to do with our shul, not even in our city, and they're slowing down our Davening.
​The discussion on finishing Davening added a good two hours to Davening. We probably should've had that discussion another time. It was self-defeating. 

They discussed it. People want to shoot the Chazin. The pain of waiting for this guy. An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz during the week?!! It happened.
Eight minutes??? Am I supposed to read a newspaper. Is that what I'm supposed to do during the cantor's repetition?! Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm definitely not focusing on praying. At some point, I'm thinking of hurting the CHazin. 
I have to say, Kavana is killing Judaism.

The board meeting went on about it later in the week. They decided that people who want to do a slow Davening, can slow things down by themselves, and stay in shul later. They can stay late, with no security. To quote our president, "If you believe in your prayers that much, you should believe a little in Gd."

Just the long Shema is enough to get anybody mad. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Do they meditate on each word?! Are they getting back at people?! Did somebody wrong them?!
If you are meditating, Shema should take three hours. I'm not suggesting people meditate. Truth is, I sometimes fall asleep during the Shema myself. I have people coming over to me telling me how impressed they are with my Kavanah.

Here are some of the rules we came up with this week, due to the pain of a long Shabbat morning Shacharit:
Mishebeyrachs are wrong, and thus not allowed. Especially when Davening is taking a long time. They went on with these blessings for their family. Each person is now doing it. These people are adding names. Family members they don't even have. Making up family.
Adon Olam took forever too. They did a slower tune than the slow tune. No idea how that was possible.
And they didn’t even start on time. That somehow slowed up Davening too. New rule is they have to start on time, even if nobody is there. 
Mishebeyrachs for the USA and Israel, and the soldiers, can be said. But they all have to be fast. As long as people say "Amen," they can feel like they care about their people.
And you can also say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. The head of the Tehillim committee suggested we put a time limit on how long we pray for the sick. To quote, "If we're still saying the Mishebeyrach after two months, might as well give up. What are their chances anyways." And since then, I have put it in my medical directive letter that I don't want Ruchel and the Tehillim committee to ever pray for me. 
And Shema is now timed.

Some people have taken the rabbi’s Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yelling in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.”
It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows. Why? Because it took too long to bring out the choolante.
Some jumped on the Bima the past week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."

They did the starting on time with nobody, and they finished the service before anybody showed up. And every congregant in our shul was happy.

Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.