Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that.
Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week.
 
There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip.
 
Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more.
We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…
 
(Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape.
The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that...  That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them...
You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah...
Not one member volunteered.

The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran.

I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up…
No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt...

Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time...
Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah...
I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails.
Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish...
 
You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!..
Well. When did you get rid of Israel???
I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish...
 
Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that...
You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse...
A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more...
 
And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel...
 
(Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt.
I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed...
In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath...
 
Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon...
This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing.
The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move.
 
The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work.
There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet.
 
That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much.
 
Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine.
They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place.
I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him.
 
Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore.
The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel.
The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal.
Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin.
 
When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul.
To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’
 
Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids.
Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul.
Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape.

Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him they will be blessed 'by you and your offspring.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
 
Kashrus Alert: If you are going to smoke marijuana make sure it is Pot Yisroel! (Mordechai)
You get it? Pot is pot. It is also bread. People eat Pas Yisrael. Or Pat Yisrael. Here he's talking about cannabis. A religious pot smoker. It's a pun. We're not supporting pot. Please note, we also don't support puns about pot and cookware.

When Yosef visited his brothers, everybody was down in the pits. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The brothers were probably 'down in the pits.' They threw Yosef in the pit. Hearing they threw Yosef in the pit got me down in the pits. Hopefully they didn't have avocados down there. Those have very big pits. Fruit pit. Pit pit. In the pits. Pits in avocados.
 
Paroh was sleeping for two years. As the Torah says, 'MiKeitz Shenataim.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? 'Miketz Shenataim' means at the end of two year. 'Sheina'' means sleep. Use Shenataim for both words. Put it together and you have 'at the end of two years of sleeping.' That's a long nap. And you can use that Shena and Shenataim pun anytime you hear sleep in Hebrew... It's good we have Rashi.

What do Chasidim with a red bekishe sing? 'Jingle Belz.' (Mordechai)
You get it? The Belz Chasidic dynasty. 'Jingle Bells' is the song sung on Christmas. Jews don't sing that. They would sing about Belz. The Chasidim. 'Jingle Belz.' Still a jingle.
 
Mitzrayim fell apart because they were serving bad juice. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz, juice. Ra'im, bad. Bad juice. Bazooka Joe should use that one. It's good, and can help people learn Hebrew. Bazooka Joe has a duty to educate the children.
 
The work the slaves did was nothing close to as labor intensive as Miriam and Yocheved's task. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Work and being told to kill newborn boys. Yocheved and Miriam, Shifrah and Puah the midwives, were told to kill the Jewish babies. Intense. Labor and labor. The pun is in the word labor.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

Announcements
We have heard a lot of complaints about the new windows. To be clear, they're stained glass. They're meant to not be able to used. Not being able to see through them is something the board didn't realize would happen when you stain the glass. Not being able to open them was just a mistake. The contractor stated, 'I thought that since you wanted stained glass, you wanted something not practical.' And that is why the youth lounge has pews in it.
 
We found a Tallis. We are assuming somebody lost it, as it is not wearable. It is a Tallis neck-wrap scarf and we're worried somebody is cold.
 
The shul was broken into. They stole money from the office. Nobody should worry. It was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was just crime. So, everybody should feel comfortable coming to shul.
 
The Sisterhood will have its monthly argument on Wednesday.
 
The class is called off, as the rabbi is sick of teaching you... The rabbi's next series will focus on how to find sources and not bother the rabbi.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom my pupils...
(Shemot 1:8-10) There’s a ‘new king in Egypt that did know Yosef.’ So, they worry about the Jews becoming greater than them and working with their enemies… The same way the board worries about me working with religious people. A bunch of heretics…
 
(Shemot 1:13) And so they made them build storage cities. ‘And the Egyptians enslaved the Children of Israel with hard work.’ BiFarech. With harshness. Grueling labor. That’s how you work me… Well. Listening to your ideas for shul upgrades and new committees is gruelingly painful… The stained glass window subcommittee... Why did you even have that?! No. You don't get stained glass. Every time I listen to your ideas, it's building a storage city... That's how painful you are...
Ever had a boss you hated?! A Mitzri!!!

All because Paroh didn’t know Yosef. If he would’ve known Yosef, he would’ve known of commitment. If he would’ve gotten to know our congregants, Paroh would’ve known of how people weasel out of meetings and paying dues… You haven’t donated a thing for… I see not one plaque...
Yosef was a decent guy. To know Yosef is to love him... I'm telling you. If you knew Yosef, you would never give him work.
 
When things are harsh, you can’t think of anything else… You’re a slave… I’m a slave to the messed up stained glass windows… Is that a blue bird?! It’s a shul. You do a dove. For crying out loud. A dove…
You enslave with harsh work. This job is slave labor...
 
You’re slaves to this guy breaking in… Maybe it’s a woman. There has been enough female chauvinism going on here…
You have nothing. Have Bitachon that nobody will steal your stuff… You have nothing of value… No. You lost your Tallis. That wasn’t stolen... Nobody is going to steal a scarf with tassels on it. Other than your Tallis, what are they stealing?... They don’t know what Tefillin are. How are they going to sell that on the black market.
It was not somebody who hated Jews. The burglar might have been one of our very own... Not paying dues is the same as stealing.

Somebody is not cleaning up... It was lost by your seat, Shlomo. Tallises don’t run. Stop saying your Tallis was stolen... You're wearing it. You misplaced it and blamed the burglar for stealing your Tallis. That's just wrong...
You didn’t even tie it right… The string is all wrapped wrong... It’s in the shape of a scarf. Do you wear it under your coat in the winter?
 
He then commanded them to kill all the newborn Jewish males. Is that what the congregants are planning to do to me...
 
If you don’t know, you worry. What I am trying to say is learn a little Torah... If you learn, you'll know something and you won't start killing babies...
If you can’t see... They are not windows. You can't see through them… Yes. I worry that this shul is more and more messed up. Can’t see. If you can’t see through the window, it’s not a window. It’s a wall… Maybe a door.
You could’ve put up a canvas. It’s just as much of a window as the stained glass… You painted it opaque.
If they were to take a second  out and to get to know them. They wouldn’t have been worried. They would see how good they were. They would've seen the commitment. The giving nature… If you would’ve thought for a second, you wouldn’t have got the stained glass… You would’ve gotten windows that work as windows. You would have not lost your Tallis… Well. You don’t know your Tallis well? Do you? You couldn’t even spot it in the lost and found… There was no other Tallis there. We put all the other Tallises on the rack.
If he knew us, he wouldn’t have broken into the shul. He would’ve asked us kindly for our money, and we would give it.
 
There’s a new president in the shul who doesn’t know me… Then he’s just an idiot…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi has a right to be paranoid. They didn’t given him a raise last year.
 
The rabbi’s point about the windows not being windows is extremely valid.
A lot of debate as to whether the stained glass windows are really windows. The board looked it up, and the Gemara doesn't deal with this topic.
 
It turns out the shul’s lost and found is half full of Michael’s toys. His parents don’t teach him to clean up. The other half is Talli scarves.
Some guys in our shul do the French Tallis wrap around the neck. One guy bought his Tallis to keep warm in the winter. Which is why I always suggest the big shawls.
 
A lot of break-ins in the area, and we can't get a Minyin. The rabbi was thinking about trying to ask the burglar to join as a tenth.
People are truly not worried. Since the guy didn’t write ‘Jews’ anywhere, everybody was relieved. As long as it’s just a crime against people, everybody is happy coming to shul Shabbis morning.
Breaking into cars was wrong. He could’ve just as easily found the keys in the shul over Shabbis. All the men leave their keys there. If he wanted to know, even I can tell him to look behind the books on the fourth shelf. All the keys are there. Behind the books on the modern State of Israel.

I like how the rabbi called half the congregation thieves for not paying dues.
The congregants don't help with anything the shul needs. The rabbi can't get them to come for Davening. Now, anytime somebody comes to shul for a Minyin, the rabbi considers it a break-in.
 
The shul is full of liberal congregants. Without knowing the rabbi's concerns of getting a quorum, they suggested we invite the burglar to Minyin, so they can give him money. The rabbi and congregants finally agree on something. The rabbi wants a Minyin, and the liberal congregants want to consider the burglar a Jew. It works for everybody.
The liberal congregants also want to show the burglar where the Torah is kept.

As I have learned, the rabbi has never been sick. Over the course of his tenure, he has been sick of the congregants. Never had a fever. Just a lot of annoyance. And as the rabbi said, 'There is not one Yosef in this congregation... If Paroh would've gotten to know this congregation, he wouldn't have wasted his time. He would've seen how impossible it is to get anybody to lift a finger and help... He would’ve been happy letting you be. Not having to answer your questions…'

My first time I went out in Israel it was for a drink. Me and a bunch of guys from the Yeshiva went out for a Lchaim. It was a Thursday night and we went for a beer. In Israel, Thursday nights are like Saturday nights, and I like that. It's better to bring a hangover to shul than work.
That first night out might have been a spiritual experience. I don't remember what happened. Though, it was Israel, so it was a holy night out drinking at the bars. I was new to the Yeshiva experience and I was good at it.

Once the High Holidays came, the spiritual experience of partying in Israel changed. Thursday night after Rosh Hashana, my friend Yanky said, 'Let's go out tonight.' So, I went.
You don't argue with Yanky, unless if you want a heated debate. He was a second year guy in the Yeshiva and he already learned how to scream at people when learning Gemara. Yanky was masterful at yelling at his Chavrusa, learning partner, which meant he knew what he was talking about. The more you reproach your Chavrusa, the better learner you are.
Being a Chavrusa to Yanky was an honor that very few had. He was the perfect Chavrusa for learning Gemara Baba Kama. No other Chavrusa had the ability to make you feel like you were being scolded and abused while learning the laws of damages.

We went up north. I thought we were going out. I didn't realize that meant a two hour drive.
Going up north in Israel is a spiritual experience, as roads are windy and not lit, and you're dependent on Gd to not get hit by the falling rock. There was a sign that read 'Falling Rock,' which kind of scared me, as that meant rocks were falling right now. Adding to the spirituality of Israel, I said my first prayer at that moment.
Not fully understanding the excitement of going up north, we ended up at the Rambam's grave-site, and Yanky started to scare me. I thought we were going out to party, and we were now at the graves of Tzadikim (righteous people).
I had no idea what to think. I thought I might've joined a Yeshiva full of hedonists, who have some kind of grave-site rituals. Maybe it was part of the Yeshiva hazing process, where they tell you about righteous rabbis and then leave you in the graveyard to get eaten by ghosts. I was scared.
And then the good times started to role. After the Rambam's Kever, we hit the graves of a few more rabbi's and even a prophet are two. We prayed. We had rugalach. We drank schnapps. And since then, going out has never been the same.

The coolest thing of all. We prayed. We drank and prayed. And I got back to Yeshiva alive. And I was scared to talk to Yanky for a month and a half after that.

Since that night out with Yanky, my life has changed. Now I know what going out means in the Frum world.

Follow Up Notes
It's a new form of partying I've taken on. That's how us religious people do it. What am I doing later tonight? I'm going up north and hitting some Kevers. It's just good times. The rabbis who have passed, Z"L, are what makes for the Thursday night experience.
Last time we hit the Kever of the Rambam. Then we popped over to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. We even headed to Yonatan Ben Uziel. On the way back we stopped off at Rabbi Meir Bal HaNes. We got back to Jerusalem right when the bars were closing. Amazing. And we got free rugalach.
Rugalach is the backbone of all Jewish events in Israel. And when its free, it's a real Simcha.

Now I get excited to see dead people and take down a few. And I understand why Yahrzeit candles come in shot glasses.
Can't wait to hit the Ari's Kever this Thursday night. It's going to be dope. Hit the grave and then go for a dunk in the cold bath. The Frum people call it a Mikvah.

I used to do baseball tours. I now see there are Gedolim (important rabbis) that are buried all over the world. I'm going to definitely do a Kever tour of Europe. I think I'll enjoy seeing the graves more than the anti-Semites.

How do I know who the more important rebbes are? I judge by the size of the hole by their grave. The bigger the rebbe the bigger the pit at his Kever. This allows for more notes to be tossed in. Though, older rabbis and righteous ancestors don't have note pits. In the 1200s, people didn't walk around with pens and Post-its.
There are also more candles at holy Kevers of ancient rabbis. Tea lights also represent the holiness of our sages. The more tea lights the holier the sage. I'm still trying to figure out who the better rabbis are. It's very confusing. The Rambam's Kever doesn't have a tea light focus. Due to that, the Rambam's Kever is not a top party destination.

That's a long title. It's more of a thesis in question form. Along with the long title, I will make it a very long article.
Being Jewish in Public is not easy nowadays. You're worried about antisemitism, and for good reason. People blame us for everything. They stub their toe, it's your fault. They're yelling, 'Jews!!!' Traveling and a flight gets cancelled. It's the Jews. If they see a Jew Davening, they blame the prayers. In a restaurant, somebody gets a stomach ache. If they see a Jew walking by, it's the Jews. If they don't see a Jew, it's the Jews. If they meet a Jew they don't like, it's Jews.
When it comes to Jews, they express singular in plural. Hence, the multitudes are blamed, and that means you. Hence, travel can be dangerous. Hence, I bring you techniques to hide your Jewishness for safety.

Wear A Baseball Hat
The traditional way of hiding Frumness, the baseball hat dates back to the Brooklyn Dodgers. For years we have been camouflaging Yiddishkeit with team logos, and random names of cities we've vacationed at. The problem is the anti-Semites have figured out the baseball hat technique.
Baseball hats work as a great Jewish disguise at baseball games. The issue is that baseball games are too expensive. If it wasn't so expensive, we would be able to get season tickets and have a safe summer experience.
I have a feeling the baseball hat never worked. My dad would have his beard, a baseball hat and suit. They know we're Jewish. You can't hide a beard and a suit with a baseball hat. Stopping for gas, letting everybody know you're a New York Yankees fan with Payis. Nonetheless, it's tradition and it's a good place to start. We just need more than the baseball hat.
I would suggest the boater. People also used to love to wear those to baseball games. The problem is they're not comfortable enough. They also throw off the Tefillin. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites, you need a flimsier hat that allows you to dawn your Tefillin. You still want to keep the Mitzvot around the anti-Semites.

Without the Baseball Hat Nothing Else Works
The Kippah is a dead giveaway.
Women don't need a baseball hat. The shaytel works fine as its own Jewish camouflage. They anti-Semites don't notice the extra eight inches of hair volume. They just think you have extensions. Jewish women wear wigs. NonJewish women wear extensions. They can't tell the difference.

Don't Smuggle In Cans to the Movies
They know you're Jewish. I am not suggesting to buy fountain cola. That stuff is way too expensive. Especially when Krogers has a deal on 12oz Coke.
Smuggle in bottles. The fizz makes less noise than the can popping and rattling during the opening credits.

Hide Your Prayers
You can't just go out there and start Davening Mincha, swaying with your eyes closed. Mouthing the Amidah prayer is a dead giveaway.
Hide behind a candy machine for Mincha. Candy machines are the perfect place for masking prayer. People understand you standing there for five and a half minutes, meditating over which chocolate to buy. Praying for a good Mars bar is something everybody does. I always pray by candy machines. Maybe Gd will answer my prayers and give me two for the price of one. Sometimes that extra blessing falls through the spiral.
The phone booth Mincha has worked for our family for generations. They see you in there, not picking up the phone, you might have them thinking you're a superhero. Issue: It's 2023. Everybody has a cellphone. They might have figured out the phone booth method.

Transportation Methods
Davening by your car? It's hard to hide that. Have the car door open. When you bow for Modim, make it look as though you're trying to find something on the floor of your car. When rising from the bow, hold a quarter real high. People will know you found a quarter, and they will understand.
I would suggest the trunk, but that just looks like you're going over the stash of cocaine you're smuggling through.
Hiding your Davening in the airport can be hard. I can only stare at the departure screen for so long before people start asking why I'm reading the carrier number with my lips. For this reason, Jews should stick together and Daven with a Minyin. If you have at least ten men praying together, the chances of being attacked are less. Truth be told, sometimes I take a flight just to catch a Mincha myself.
I don't suggest doing the Amidah with your feet together on the subway. You'll fall.

Try to Be More Inconspicuous When Chasing People Into a Hotel
Chasing people into hotel because you need them to initiate the electric door on Shabbis. It scares them. Jumping on an elevator and getting off on the wrong floor, so that you can get away with walking down a couple flights, it's scary. And I know it's hard to have to walk up the service stairs on Shabbat. But you have to do it if you're hiding your Jewishness. Otherwise, you can get hurt.
They get scared and attack and they have an alibi: 'He was following me… The guy who was talking to himself in the hallway earlier near the candy machine… I don’t know if it was a blessing or he was cursing me. Then he jumped on my elevator... He didn't need my floor. He said "Whatever floor you're going to." So, I attacked... No. I'm not an anti-Semite.’

Cover Your Mouth When Praying
This is the only positive of COVID. The mask. You can always hide your prayers with a mask. Now you don't need to Bitul Zman (waste time) anywhere. On line at the supermarket, you can be saying Tehillim.
The yawn method works well too. Cover your mouth for a really long yawn when leaving the bathroom. They'll have no idea you're saying the Asher Yatzar Bracha. They'll just think Jews yawn for a really long time. At worst, they'll know you're Jewish and think you're very tired.
If you're yawning with a baseball hat and COVID mask, they'll never figure you out. Truth be told, the COVID mask is the perfect disguise. How many Frum Jews have you seen wearing masks?! Exactly. Only apostates walk around with a mask.

Pray With an Earbud
The talking on the cellphone method of prayer has been a great default connection to Gd over the past many years. The only issue is the speed at which one talks to Gd, as opposed to regular conversation; nonJews know that only Jews can talk that fast.

Never Try To Get a Deal
They think Jews like sales. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites correctly, you want to get ripped off. NonJews like getting ripped off. Be sure to pay more. If you can, pay the suggested retail price. Marked up if possible.

Don't Read The Labels
Nobody else reads labels on food, other than Jews. OK. You're going to read labels. You're a good Jew. But don't make it obvious. As hard as it may be, don't ask the waitress if the coffee is kosher. They'll know you're Jewish. NonJews are not showing up to coffee shops looking for kosher lattes and Danish.
Try to read all labels from your spot. Squint if you must. A monocle can be helpful. Best is a monocle that doubles as a magnifying glass. Binoculars will get you in trouble. Nobody looks like they're not a stalker with binoculars. And restaurateurs don't like when you stalk their food.
If you must ask them to see the package, don't tell them you keep Kosher. Nobody respects that. Tell them you're on a serious gluten free diet. People respect gluten.
If you can pull it, let them know you're an inspector. They might let you in the kitchen. While you're there, you can kosher the ovens.

Don't Tell People You Know Everybody
Nobody cares. Not even Jews. Waiters and waitresses don't care if you know they're boss. They hate their boss.
NonJews don't know anybody. They need resumes. They have to go through their whole history of getting fired, and present it on paper, before they can get a job.

Say Stuff Like 'Yo'
'Nu. Shulum Ulayechem.' That gives it away real fast.

Safety Comes First
Always remember to wear your baseball hat. Without it, none of the techniques work.
Use any of these techniques and you'll having them wondering if you're Jewish, and you will be safe. They'll theorize and they may figure you out. But they will never be sure, surmising, 'I think he's Jewish. I saw him haggling with the candy machine. He had a hat and a beard. I think he might be a biker with a minivan. Got those kids with him too. Long sideburns. Maybe they bring them together to make little bikers... Definitely Jewish. I just saw them go into McDonald's. Didn't buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They've got to be Jewish. He asked if the burgers were kosher... I just don't know. All I saw was a baseball hat.'
If you're not worried about anti-Semites killing you, walk around with your baseball hat, Daven on the sidewalk, ask to see each item on the menu, so you can figure out if it's kosher and part of the lunch special. Follow them into the elevator with your binoculars, and pop open a can of Dr. Thunder. And let them know you got a deal on it.

Announcements
There are many new volunteer opportunities. There's always volunteer opportunities in our shul. The board is always willing to let people do work and not pay them. That is a direct quote of our rabbi who does not get paid enough. 'Does not get paid enough' is also a direct quote.

Shlomo wasn't invited to the shul dinner. He is angry, as his brother is being honored. He felt he should know about his family being honored, and nobody told him. He is angry and he is enjoying it. Be prepared. If you have a conversation with Shlomo, he's going to complain about the committee and blame the shul for him not being at his brother's affair.

Shul dinner will take place next week. Now Shlomo knows, if he would like to cancel his business trip.
Don't miss out on the evening to not miss. The dinner only costs two hundred seventy five dollars a plate. And you get schnitzel.

The rabbi will keep giving long sermons, cause you people are annoying.

The Acts of Kindness of the Week: Rabbi said there were none, as the people in our shul are not kind, and he wants a raise.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Children...
On his deathbed, Yakove says to Yosef, (Bereishit 47:29) ‘And do with me kindness and truth- please don’t bury me in Egypt.’ Don’t bury me in Topeka. Please. I beg. I do not want to see congregants after I am dead. I see what people do to the rebbes... My grave is going to have a footstone reading ‘at rest,’ so you don’t bother me with questions and requests...
They don't sell deathbeds. It's not a type of bed. Nobody would buy deathbeds. You can't market a bed that brings death... Even if family thought it was a very comfortable bed, no sick person would want to hear that their family bought them the deathbed... Even if it has cotton from Giza.
 
Chesed and Emet. Kindness and Truth. Rashi explains that ‘kindness done for those who have died is kindness of truth, as one is not looking for payment of remuneration.’ My job is kindness of truth. The amount I get paid…
An act of kindness would be to pay me as your rabbi, and not bother me with questions all the time…

You do kindness to be kind. Do I have to explain this.... Not for a name. Every act any member has ever done has been to get something. Why do you think we have a plaque on the ark. It reads ‘The Simkawitz Family’… It should read ‘Gd.’ Donated by Gd. The Torah was donated by the Holy One...
 
You all want. You do stuff to be popular… You don’t play baseball because you’re not good at it...
You volunteer, you want to get paid… That’s not volunteering. If you get paid, it’s not volunteering... Even if other people wanted you to do it. If they pay you.
The difference between volunteering and working is payment... I will not pay you to come to Minyin.
 
You gave Tzedakah. You want a plaque.
Your acts of kindness are pathetic… But if they don’t know. Exactly. You visit the sick, it doesn’t need a community wide announcement in the newspaper… Or the bulletin… What are these announcements of people being useful… Let’s clap for them. We will take a moment now to applaud everybody in the shul who has ever helped, so they finally can get the credit they deserve... I'm done.
 
None of you do true kindness. You all want something...

Shlomo has a right to be mad… The board is messed up…
Chesed would be telling Shlomo his family is being honored… An email is not enough. Have you seen your emails??? They have eighty announcements... If you had one announcement a week that people cared about... Yes. That would also be Chesed... Why don't you volunteer to make less announcements and let people Know what is important, like when their family is being honored...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got rid of the acts of kindness weekly announcement, as people were just doing the kindness for the reputation. One congregant picked up an old person’s bags at the supermarket and took a selfie. Posted the selfie and wrote, ‘I am helping,’ and everybody liked it.
 
Why did we have an Acts of Kindness announcement? The board felt it would encourage people to help. They heard it works for third graders.
The thing that bothered me the most was the acts of kindness song. 'You're all good. You're all kind. Will you be mine.'
 
The deathbed conversation continued, and Pinker's Mattresses started selling The Deathbed. It was marketed as, 'This bed is so comfortable, you'll never want to get out of it.'

A good half hour discussion was had in the middle of the sermon as to what constitutes volunteering. The rabbi made it clear that anything Bernie does is not volunteering. The rabbi said that whatever Bernie does is annoying and it gets in the way. Many congregants argued that getting in the way is volunteering. And many congregants started volunteering to get in the way. Now, there are thirty Kiddish volunteers, and they all get in the way.
To note, Bernie was in the acts of kindness song.

The emails are too much. Shlomo is right. You have to confirm the person saw it.
Shlomo is loving it. He’s milking it. It is a very rare occurrence that somebody has the right to complain and is totally correct. He brings it up everywhere. We were at the kid’s indoor soccer game and he started going off on how he knew about it because the coach called him, unlike the shul. He also said he will be donating money to the coach, and he’ll start Davening at soccer games.
Shlomo will be using this complaint for the next couple of years. And he will probably use it to get out of paying his dues.

In the early 1800s, approximately the year 1828, in the afternoon of March 14th. It was a Thursday and it was approximately 3:42. It took place right outside the shteibel of Kotzk. We are not sure which stones of the walkway. From the eyewitness, it seems to have a been the eighteenth stone. That is when the story took place. But we are not sure.
A congregant comes to the Rabbi of Kotzk and tells him of this miracle worker who knows the secret of making robots. In the eighteen hundreds that consisted of paper mache.
The Rabbi of Kotzk responded, 'That is nothing. Can he make a Chasid?!'

Lessons of What Followed
We learn from here that congregants are annoying. They won't even allow you to walk into the shul before harassing you with questions.

The Rebbe tried building a Chasid factory. Many Chasidim protested, as they were worried they would not get the rebbe's attention once the Rebbe finally had Chasidim that listened to him. Truth is the miracle worker only knew how to make robotic arms that welded. The congregant left that piece of information out. Which is why you should never listen to congregants.
The miracle engineer tried making Chasidim and he ended up with a design that was the prototype for R2-D2. The Rebbe was very happy until they realized that he talked. And the miracle worker told nobody the secret.
Some say the Rebbe of Kotzk wanted to show his knowledge of engineering. To make a Chasid is a very technical endeavor. You have to be technologically literate to do it. To produce a soul is not easy. You need the right metals and tools.

It was a very hard story to tell, as nobody could say 'Kotzk' without feeling like they said it wrong. Arguments were had as to whether this was a story or a quote. To this day, in the 2023, the argument of story or quote continues.
At least now we know where Chasidim come from. Somebody is making them with the help of Gd. A little Dvar Torah you can share at a Shabbat meal, from the Kibbitzer magazine.

Tales of The Hasidim- Book 2: The Later Masters by Martin Buber (p.285)

The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs.

They Will Never Trust You
You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would.
It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party.
If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care.
Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis.

Women Like Surprises
They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date.
Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to.

How it Works At a Simcha
You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet).
Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her.
They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women.
If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim.

How It Works The Rest of the Time
People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives.
The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher.
And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over.

Even Online You Need A Shidduch
Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you.

It Gives the Community Something To Do
This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish.
When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you.
It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well.
If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara.

So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved.

Announcements
New Year's Eve the shul will have Minyin.
Leftover latke party is going to happen on New Year's. We need to find a way to get rid of the latkes. The leftover latkes are due to the horrific latkes served at the shul's Chanukah party. We're going to fry them again, to hopefully hide the original taste of the Lefkowitz family recipe.
 
Another haircut is taking place this week. You must attend the three year old's haircut party. Upshering. Yes. That’s a celebration now too. Got to get them a gift for that haircut as well... Clips are good for long hair. Clips also work for Kippahs.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are asked to stay away from the Bima, or they will be ejected from shul. If you want to be involved in Anim Zemirot, teach your kids at home.
 
The only two families who paid full tuition for their children's Jewish education have realized they've been scammed. It turns out, they too don't want to pay full tuition now, because they have the money.
The school fundraiser will take place again this month. The goal is for nobody to have to pay full tuition.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants...
Thank Gd people don’t read the announcements and people showed up today. First time people show up... Nobody expected anybody in the cold. But you were going sledding anyways... I worry about your Yiddishkeit. Your connection to Gd. Your going to Gehenim...
 
Yehuda is worried about Binyamin getting in trouble. Yakov didn't want him to take Binyamin because he was worried something bad will happen. Kind of like every time the board makes a decision...
(Bereisit 44:29) ‘If you take this one too from me, and tragedy happens to him, you will bring my years down to the grave in misery'... Yakov wasn't working for Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He did not have Bernie as a congregant, or Sadie getting mad at him for not hitting thirty minutes on his sermon last week. He didn't have a president who doesn't know what an Upshering is. Yet. He is worried about Binyamin. And he has deep hurt deep inside of him... Congregants can bring you down to the grave in misery...
 
Yakov wanted a good ending. He knew his years were coming to an end, and he was comforted by knowing a piece of his Rachel was still around... Our president gets rid of every piece of tradition we ever had... Then where is the huge craps Dreidel for Chanukah... I know that kids sitting next to the number has a casino feeling. That's what we want. People like going to the casinos... In this case. The casino Dreidel brings families together...
 
Binyamin was goodness to him. It's what he represented. He didn't represent the messed up traditions and board of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
Rashi teaches ‘Now, when he is near me, I comfort myself regarding his mother and Yosef (who are gone), and if he dies it will be as if the three of them died on one day.’
Yes. Menachem. It is a lot. A lot rides on you. I see the back left of the men's section, and I see the board, I see the messed up Upshering hairdo, I see the latkes from the latke party, and I see Bernie, and I see the death of our shul... You could've gotten a barber to do the Upshering... There's no Mitzvah to give your kid a Number 2... Number 2 on the shaver teeth is not a style...
 
Let’s talk about Nachis for a second, and how you let your parents down… Binyamin brings Yaakov Nachis.
The next generation is a comfort... Well it should be. I know your kids let you down Fran. I see them every Shabbis. A great letdown.
When you see how they mess up, grandparents are not comforted. Still in their snow-boots... Well, take off the snow-boots. You're not sledding in shul...
 
New Year’s is coming up. What can you do... Well. You didn't do Teshuva on Rosh Hashana. Maybe now is the time. When the big apple drops. Did you even dip your apple in the honey on Rosh Hashana...
 
Nachis. There is no Nachis in an Upshering... We can’t celebrate everything. It’s a haircut. You’re not getting gifts from me. People are going broke on gifts… It’s your fault you had the party right after Chaukah.
 
Yaakov took pride, but he wasn’t annoying about it. You up there for Anim Zemirot. We don't even hear your kids... We hear you.
You get involved in Anim Zemirot like your child is an athlete… They’re leading services.
You stand there. Let the Gabai do his job. He’ll make sure your child finishes it fast… Nobody wants to hear your kid singing… Yes. Even Adon Olam. Everybody wants the fast tune...
 
You want to comfort me? How about you pay tuition for your kids. Maybe pay shul dues...
 
How do we find comfort? I don't know. I am the rabbi of this congregation. I am still trying to figure out how to find Nachis... Why is it called Nachis? Finally a good question. It's called Nachis, because your progeny is supposed to bring you comfort... For you messing up. Why do you think Tzimi takes his kids' Anim Zemirot so seriously?! He did a bad job when he was younger. So, he needs the Nachis... No. Let the Gabai be there. You're messing up your kids too.

You want your kids ending up like the brothers? Then, don’t pay Jewish day school tuition... You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school...
We have a new fundraiser every month, so that parents don't pay. The rest of the community pays for their day school education... No. Parents don't get Nachis from their kids. They want to save on their education...
 
No comfort here. You have brought me down in misery… This is why people drink on New Year’s.
None of you are a Binyamin. Not one Binyamin in the shul. Just Bens...
Any resolutions?... I am going to try to avoid the board this year...

Rivka’s Rundown
Best fundraiser ever. 'You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school.' Tons of money was raised. As long as it's not called tuition, people will give.

Two families fell for it last year. They paid the full tuition. They thought full tuition meant they should pay full tuition. For some reason, they’re mad their wealthier friends don’t pay it.
From our Sages: How do you become wealthy in the Jewish community? You don't pay Jewish day school tuition.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are bad. What’s worse is Anim Zemirot moms. They’re yelling, coming in so loud from the women’s section. I heard one mom throw her hands up and yell out, ‘Come on Gabai!’
When the rabbi said 'everybody wants the fast tunes,' people got up and started cheering. That's the first time people cheered in the shul. It started with emotional applause, even though your not supposed to do that on Shabbis (yet, they were already sledding). Then people started standing up and cheering for the rabbi.
We're not going to discuss the ark opening dads. They get violent. One dad threw another kid aside so his kid could pull the curtain string.
 
The Upshering hairdo was messed up. If the dad cared about his kids, he would focus on a better haircut, and not Anim Zemirot.
 
We’re celebrating everything.
Everything is a party in our shul now, and you have to buy gifts for everything. We had eighteen parties for one engagement. A vort, Lechaim, Shabbat Chatan, Shabbat Kallah, Ufroof, the in-laws had it all, the friends had to have it too. Then, everything has to be celebrated by the other side. Also had the shower.
Then they wanted to know why nobody wanted to buy them wedding gifts.
I stopped buying gifts for people, and it’s helped my finances a lot. I get invited to less parties now, and I am a much happier member of the community. The less people like me, the more I like coming to shul.

The huge Dreidel for the Chanukah spin game, and the kids standing next to the letter they are picking is an amazing gambling concept. One night where congregants don't go to the casino. And they didn't do it this year. In response, the casino served Sufganiot.

And the New Year's party was not much of a celebration. The latkes killed that party too.

Many have asked me, as their rabbi, if it's a Mitzvah to celebrate New Year's Eve. Many do not know this, but New Year's Eve is not one of the New Years brought in the Torah. Gd did not command us to get drunk and wear a Santa hat. Hence, it's not a Mitzvah. Even so, New Year's is a Jewish day, and that is why we start New Year's at night. Let us now delve into some of the traditions of Rosh Hashana and New Year's Eve and how they differ.

New Year's: People go out and drink a lot of alcohol.
Rosh Hashana: We stay in and drink a lot of Manischewitz.
There is no Mitzvah of Kiddish on New Year's. Thus, you can drink any kind of alcohol you would like. The only issue is that most bars do not stock up on Manischewitz for New Year's.

New Year’s: Watch the apple drop in New York City.
Rosh Hashana: Do I even have to say?! You get it.

New Year's: Celebrate with party.
Rosh Hashana: Celebrate with brisket.
You can also celebrate Rosh Hashana with Davening. However, it's hard to eat brisket while praying.

New Year’s: They have sales.
Rosh Hashana: Nothing is on sale. Even apples are marked up. The grocers know.

New Year's: Kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight. That's the only true tradition of New Year's Eve.
Rosh Hashana: If you kiss somebody you're going to hell, and you'll feel bad about it, and that makes you happy.
 
New Year’s: Make New Year’s resolutions to not eat.
Rosh Hashana: Eat as much as you can, because it is spiritual.
After eight and a half pounds of brisket on Rosh Hashana, you make a resolution to not eat.
Rosh Hashana and New Year's: After the resolution, you eat. It's tradition.
 
New Year’s: Make a resolution to never eat chocolate.
Rosh Hashana: Eat chocolate, because you ate it every day since January second.
 
New Year’s: No praying.
Rosh Hashana: We pray and we listen to the shofar.
The day after New Year’s, everybody is praying that they’ll feel better. And everything they hear sounds like a shofar being blown real loud, right in their face.
 
New Year’s: See famous people on TV.
Rosh Hashana: Finally see some famous people showing up to shul.

New Year's: People celebrate around the world with fireworks.
Rosh Hashana: If you see anything that looks or sounds like fireworks, that's probably an anti-Semite.

Rosh Hashana: Ask people and Gd for forgiveness, known as Teshuva.
New Year’s: Do as many things wrong that you can, so you have what to do on Rosh Hashana.
 
Rosh Hashana: Prepare for holiday by calling family and friends.
New Year’s: Forget to call family and friends. Drank too much.

Rosh Hashana: Everybody watches the guy blowing the shofar.
New Year's: Everybody watches the guy puking.
We've learned that there's a tradition a lot of people have to drink on New Year's Eve. If New Year's Eve doesn't fall out on Purim, you shouldn't drink.

Rosh Hashana: The whole family is around.
New Year's: You would feel too guilty to enjoy yourself if family was around.

All this said, you can still do Mitzvahs on New Year's Eve. And if you're not inebriated, you might end up eating brisket on New Year's. That's a Mitzvah.
New Year's and New Year are very different. You should all be blessed with a good New Year in September.

COVID is not a pandemic anymore and people still don't show up to shul. It turns out they just didn't want to go to shul. After much research over the past three years, it was reported that the COVID pandemic would've been over in three months if people wanted to go to shul.

The war in Ukraine is happening and they're blaming Jews for it.

Kanye West said he doesn't like his manager again. Which means that he hates all Jews, and he feels it's important to let people know that he hates all Jews until he makes more money.

Dave Chappelle cracks jokes about Hollywood being Jewish and says it's not antisemitism. Jews in Hollywood say it's antisemitism. It has been decided that as long as you don't fully agree with Kanye West, you're not an anti-Semite.

The community hosted Seniors Day. It was a beautiful day of recognizing these people didn't die. We'll hopefully see them again next August. Until then, nobody has to see old people.

I only heard Yapchik once this year. Finally, other people feel like they have to upchuck when they hear Yapchik. Yapchik is not the most popular Jewish food anymore. The amazing potato kugel with meat in it has been overtaken by the Jewish food known as beef jerky.
In many households of nonFrum Jews, shepherd's pie is still popular.

Shuls were attacked and bombed.

Antisemitism. There is antisemitism. That's the yearly antisemitism note on antisemitism.

Tent was at Shul for High Holidays for the overflow, even though the shul wasn't full. Being that COVID wasn't the reason for the tent, people just hung out there to not have to pray.

Elon Musk allows for people to post what they are thinking on Twitter. After over fifteen years of social media, it turns out that people are pro-Israel.

People are blaming Elon Musk for everything bad in their lives. He's not Jewish and they're blaming the Jews for him.
It turns out his name is Elon, because he wants to meet an Israeli girl for his next wife.

Mark Schwartz was honored for knowing people. The shul needed money and he is popular, so he was honored. This was the fifth time in six years that we honored somebody for 'knowing people.' We pray that somebody in the congregation will save a life at some point, so we can honor somebody for that too.

The Jewish Federation still needs your money.

The Jewish Federation started another legacy project. The funds from the previous legacy projects that failed are not there.

Israel had elections again. Guess what, Bibi is trying to put together a Unity Government. This announcement will be in next year's Year in Review.

The Yom Hashoah program was a great event. Friends getting together and sharing laughter. Lots of memorable pictures, as seen on Rachel's social media.

Jewish is finally an acceptable gender pronoun.

Three quarters of American Jews moved down to Florida, and they haven't even retired yet. Now Jews have a reputation as a very lazy people, who don't work even in their thirties. Kanye West agrees that all Jews are lazy.

More annual dinners took place for the Jewish day school, the Jewish Family Services, the other Jewish day school, the other Jewish day school, the nursery, the other Jewish nurseries, the Jewish high school, Michal's GoFundMe page, Sima's orthodontist work, the new ping pong table in the youth lounge, the Jewish Community Center, the Christian Foundation for Sports, the food pantry, The Acts of Loving Kindness Foundation, the other shul dinner, the dinner for the other shul, the other dinner for the other shul, the other shuls' dinners, Chabad, the other Chabad, the other Chabad run by the same person, and the Jewish Federation that funds them all. Anybody who didn't give to all the organizations is a miser. The community doesn't love them. We're sorry that none of the people that use the food pantry were able to afford the annual dinner.

The Shabbat Project was unsuccessful. Not enough money was raised for it, so there was no Shabbat this year.

The economy has taken a big hit, and they're blaming Jews for it.

Antisemitism happened.

Jewish parents have been working tirelessly to figure out a solution for the Jewish crisis. And still, no solution has been found for Jewish day school tuition.
This year, again, none of the families paid full tuition, except for two families who are not very happy. They found out they're the only ones paying. It turns out, they're the only ones who went to Jewish day school and never learned how to finagle. That's what Kanye West said.

A new popular Jewish catch phrase has taken hold. ‘That’s what Kanye said.’ One of the most well-known ones is ‘Russia is run by Jews… That’s what Kanye said.’

Announcements
Kids are mad about their gifts again this year. One kid threw his Rubik's Cube and yelled, 'Are we living in the 1980s?!!!' He then went on, 'They didn't buy me a computer for Chanukah because my parents don't love me.'
 
Falafel latkes was a disappointment to all. They tasted exactly like falafel. And they looked like falafel. Now, the community has no idea what to do for the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration this year.
 
It's snowing and windy. We'll see you in shul next week.
 
Shabbis candle lighting times are after Chanukah candle lighting times, whenever that is.
 
Sisterhood meeting will take place at the Sokolich residence. This way Mrs. Sokolich can air her grievances about the flower arrangements and the new head of the sisterhood who she doesn't like. She will also serve tea and coffee to let you know how coffee at Kiddish should taste.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…

If you cared, you'd figure out the Chanukah lighting times... The times are important. But you forgot them...
 
Paroh had a bad dream… I had a bad dream. Killed me. Woke me up. I dreamt I was still working at Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah in seven years…
I had a second bad dream too. I dreamt Bernie didn’t move down to Florida, and he was still here in seven years.
The Gabai explained my dreams to me. He said it will be seven bad years with annoying congregants and a president you can’t stand… No good years. Just seven bad years. A president who forgets stuff. You forget everything decent... Like Shabbis times and when Minyin is. And when to light Chanukah candles. And whose kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed... You make the wrong announcements.
 
Paroh can’t get anybody to explain his dreams. At least I have the Gabai. And even he can’t explain the president or Bernie to me… It's Paroh. I wanted to reiterate that for the president, so he remembers who had the dreams when he gives announcements...
All the sudden, the Head of Drinks comes and tells Paroh, (Bereishit 41:9-13) ‘My sin, I remember today… me and the Chamberlain of the Bakers… there was a Hebrew youth with us, a slave of the Head of the Butchers, and we told him, and he interpreted our dreams…’
You guys can't even remember your sins... Well let me help you. Not showing to shul. Not visiting the sick. Throwing your parents in nursing homes and never visiting. Do you keep Kosher?... That's another one. Lashon Hara. You all talk bad about everybody... I rebuke you in the sermons. It's to your face. Not educating your kids correctly. Karban Pesach...
 
All the sudden, he remembers Yosef. You didn't remember my raise. There was no all the sudden with that...
The Head of Drinks forgot. Kind of like the time the president forgot to tell me. ‘Ooops. We announced Shabbis for 5:30 instead of 4:30…’ Yes. That’s a big deal. People are starting Shabbis on Shabbis... An Am HaAretz. I don't know why we print the announcements anyways... Just read them. Stop being creative and people will know when to light candles. Am HaAretz...
 
 
His sin Why does he say ‘My sin’? What’s his sin? He forgot the good Yosef did for him.
You don’t forget the good people do for you. Unless if you’re one of my congregants... It's a sin to forget the good people do for you. HaKarat HaTov. Recognize the good... You can't recognize the good if you forget it all the time... It's easy to remember the bad. Just look at Bernie...
If Head of Drinks was in this shul, he would've forgotten the lighting times. You guys light your Chanukah candles at the weirdest hours... I know, because I have to sit in meetings with you people. And the meetings go on. And they go on. You guys don't stop. You talk about nothing... Your definitely not talking about Chanukah lighting times.

You forgot to turn on the heating in the sanctuary today… Yes. It’s a sin. When you forget, people freeze. Yosef suffered because the Drink guy forgot...
You forgot to filter the coffee. You killed Kiddish.
Nobody likes the coffee. Mrs. Sokolich is right… If the Head of the Drinks had made coffee like that, Paroh would’ve killed him too… Yes. The Chamberlain of the Cupbearers. What? Are we living in 15th century England?! Head of Drinks... If he forgot to add creamer like the new head of the sisterhood, Paroh would've killed him...

I had a nightmare that I would eat falafel instead of latkes, and it came true... H' interpreted it for me. The dream meant I would have to attend a really not good Chanukah party...
Yes. I remembered to show up to the shul's Chanukah party, because I care.
Most parents don't care.
If you cared about your kid, you would've gotten him something other than a Rubik's Cube... Yes. That shows you don't love him...

It's good not many people are here today... They didn't forget. They just don't want to come to shul... It's not COVID. You can't use COVID as an excuse anymore...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
A lot of forgetting in our congregation. I think the rabbi has to give the same message each week, because people forget they're wrong.

The rabbi went through everybody's sins. He even brought up Chanan being single and how that's a sin. The single girls in the congregation started crying in the middle of the sermon. They thought they just felt bad about not having kids. They now heard they're sinning too.
I think the rabbi is going to reuse this sermon for the Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeal. He saw people crying and he likes to exude tears with those sermons. Three years back, his Yizkur Appeal was about how singles are losers. They cried then too.

The rabbi wasn't talking to many people. They didn't show up because of the snow. It's amazing how Sakanat Nifashot, danger to life, because the most important law when it comes to going to shul. None of the congregants have ever been worried about their life at the supermarket.
It's cold in shul. Most people wouldn't know that as they don't show up.
They're still using COVID to get out of coming to shul during the summer months. During the winter it's nippy.
 
Kiddish coffee has not been good. I think they're serving decaf now.

Parents are starting to buy more stuff for their kids. They find it easier to not have to talk to them and to express their love with gifts. One parent gave their kid a gift certificate tot he Dollar Tree and said, 'That's eighteen gifts... That's how much I love you. None of your friends got eighteen gifts.'
One of the kids friends got a gaming laptop. To which the mom told their kid, 'But that's only one.'

Like fools, they lit at the end of the Chanukah party. Even at the Chanukah party they couldn't get the lighting right. You light when people come.
A board member said it was too dangerous to light around people, as there are kids. And so nobody saw it. And because the members forgot how to do a Mitzvah, the only miracle of Chanukah the community saw was the bouncy house.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, cold and Kotel Kippahs, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the Chabad rabbis for spreading the beautiful word of Chanukah with extremely huge Menorahs.

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.

Announcements
The wind is picking up outside. We suggest men wear winter hats to keep the Kippah down. It's very hard to attain a successful Kippah clampdown with your hand, and to keep warm at the same time.
 
The Shabbat compost bin is the trash can. That means you throw your trash in the compost, unless if it is trash. If it's real trash, you throw it in the trashcan. Your trash will be put in the earth.
Our shul supports littering. Our children are very good at it. They're very good at throwing their candy on the floor. They compost the wrappers.
 
Community Chanukah party will take place on Tuesday night. This way less people will show up and there will be less secret Maccabees.
 
The Latke and Hamentashen debate will not take place this year, as nobody cares to hear people arguing over which is better. It all depends on who makes them. And we all know that if Mrs. Friedberg is making the latkes, they will not taste good.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Root of all evil. Jealousy… It’s also the Gabai. I understand. But it’s jealousy and the president… Well, you kill the shul.

Yosef tells his brothers about the dreams. He would've told the board that he dreamt that the maintenance of the shul was done... The ballroom is in shambles. It will never get done. With the board at the helm. You can't dream of any committee in this congregation doing anything…
(Bereishit 36:11) ‘And his brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter.’ None of them got good sleep… They didn’t have a decent coat. Everybody wanted a decent coat… Not for the colors. But for the extra padding in the cold. It gets cold in the desert at night. One brother gets a decent coat, you get jealous... You get good sleep and you can dream. The brothers were freezing, tossing and turning...
 
Yakov knew that jealousy was worse than hatred. It wasn’t the hatred that threw Yosef in the pit. It was the jealousy. Which is why I always stay away from pits, and the Bima when the president is getting an Aliyah... I know I’m a good rabbi.
I dreamt the other day that the shul had no board. And the Gabai listened to me… I also dreamt we had 11 men for a Minyin. That didn’t happen… 11, so that if one of you goes to the bathroom. You’re always going to the bathroom. You spend half of the services in the bathroom... The hallway, then.
 
More harm takes place with jealousy... Nobody is jealous of your Kippah. It’s tiny. Whoever knitted it caused harm... Harm to our people. If it was bigger, you wouldn’t have to do a Kippah clampdown all the time.
You will never be an athlete with a Kippah like that. You can't swing a bat and have one hand on your Kippah... You play without a Kippah. Then you're just a heretic...
Jews wear Jewish clothes... Jewish clothes include the neon Kippot in our Kippah bin. Otherwise, the Kippah is flying all over... I know you all come to shul with your own Kippahs. We have the huge fluorescent yarmulkes as a message. To let you know you're Kippahs are way too small... Some of you bend for the Amidah and your Kippah flies off. I saw Shmuel's tiny Kippah fall into the Siddur. It was so flat and tiny, he couldn't find it between the pages...
 
Jealousy. They threw him in the pit... You throw your trash in compost… Yosef was not compost… Exactly. Recycling is trash. Composting is trash too. We just put the trash back in the earth… Exactly. We don’t throw trash in the garbage. We litter.
VeYeshev. Return it...
I don't know what to do with that tiny Kippah. Maybe compost...
 
No. Your kids throwing candy on the floor is a problem.
Just like throwing your brother in a pit… Lessons we learn from fighting brothers...
If they throw candy in the trash and not on the floor, there will be less jealousy. The kids hate having to throw things in the bin… No. You don’t put the wrapper trash in the compost trash. You put wrapper trash in the trash trash…

They should throw your gifts on the ground... Bad gifts... Secret Maccabee?... I can care less if a Maccabee is offended. The fact that you found a way to make Maccabee sound like a Christian thing you do at your office....

In compost. Mrs. Friedberg’s latkes go in compost. Then they go in a pit... That's what you do with things you're trying to get rid of... Brothers should not be thrown in a pit.
Those are the worst latkes I’ve ever tasted...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I think the rabbi writes the announcements.
 
I didn’t know our rabbi was an environmentalist. He purchased a new Road Ranger. Twelve seater. He has a coupe, but he refuses to drive it. He only drives the twelve seater.
I think he just needed to let the congregants know they are wrong. He was against the compost bin when it started. He thought it was another recycle bin, and that is a waste. That never gets taken out of the shul. It’s just a pile of two liter bottles.
With this new compost thing that started a year and a half ago, I still have no idea where to put my trash. It's very confusing.

I think the rabbi was suggesting to compost the Chanukah gifts. And the Friedbergs can't cook. It's not Lashon Hara at this point. Everybody knows it. I believe it's Sakanat Nifashot to not warn people. It definitely will kill an Oneg Shabbis, or any Chag, for somebody.

The shul hosted a Dreidel Gambling Debate. That turned into Solomon trying to get his money back from Phil from their poker night. The rabbi said poker nights are Asur (Forbidden). Since that talk the shul has split up into little poker groups that take place one Wednesdays. The board insisted they host all poker nights in the shul.

The rabbi is pushing the shul’s huge neon Kippahs as the new style. He realizes that most of our older male members do not have a lot of hair and clips don't work. We are a poorly haired congregation. The clips don't work on Shmuel's tiny Kippah either. I think the clips are bigger than his Kippah.
The women’s section is excellently wigged. That's why the rabbi doesn't address the women's head-coverings in the winter. The average back of the head of a woman in our shul juts out a good foot and a half.

We had a Jewish clothing fair as part of the Chanukah party. They sold a lot of black hats and button down shirts. The skirts were too long for the toddlers.
Many people wanted multi-colored coats. The rabbi insisted that coats with many colors aren't Jewish.
 
It seems like brothers are always fighting in Bereishit. Birthrights and soup cause a lot of family quarrels.

This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.

That's a very nice chair?
It's the committee chair.

You are the head of the committee?
The chair.

Why is it called a chair?
Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool.

Then they would call it a stool?
You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair.

That's a very nice chair.
Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond.

They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond?
At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place.

Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event?
You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect.

How did they chose the person to run the event?
The chair?

Yes.
I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.'

So. Nobody else wanted to help?
Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah.

So, you chaired this all alone?
All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish.

That was an argument?
Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs.

Everybody likes chocolate Danish.
Exactly.

What ended up happening at the Purim party?
After much argument, they served latkes.

No Danish?
For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen.

Tailgating Purim?
They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs.

How did you plan the Chanukah party?
Food. A lot of food.

Anything else?
Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails.

Some parents complained about the danger.
They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency.
And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year.

I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small.
That too.
We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens.

Did you get any pushback?
There's no one else on the committee.

Are there going to be gifts?
Of course.

What gifts?
Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree.

Any other gifts?
No.

Why not?
A committee decision.

Conclusion
The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?'
She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated.

She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. 
She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.'
Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food.

She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event.
There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah.

There is such a thing as bad thoughts. I know this, because I have received many Chanukah gifts over the years.
You want an article about what gifts to get, look on Amazon and check out what you missed on Black Friday. I never got a drone camera.
Here is a list of Chanukah gifts you should not get for people. These are really bad gifts that ended up in my room. And one thing all of these gifts have in common is that when I got them every gift was followed with, ‘It's the thought that counts.’ Every time I heard that, I knew it was a mistake. There is such a thing as a bad thought.
 
A Calendar From Last Year
Certain gifts are time sensitive. There's an end of year sale on calendars and I respect that. My aunt is very good at finding deals. Around December time, the previous year’s calendars go on sale.
Last year I got a calendar from 2021. I can use it in 2035, if it's a leap year. Otherwise, I have to wait till 2056.
It would have also been nice if my aunt did not mark it up with all of her appointments.
 
A Racket with a Ball Attached
My mom should've just given me a card that said 'you don't have any friends to play with.'
That racket and ball kept me frustrated for all 8 days. I spent all of Chanukah trying to figure out why I can't hit a ball that's attached. The Rubik’s Cube also got me on edge for a while. Want to make my holiday a nightmare? Give me a game that takes any amount of skill or knowledge. I have been looking at the Sudoku book for a good four years now. Four years of numbers I can’t figure out and failure.
 
Drawings
I love my nephews and nieces, but his drawings are bad. I said it and I care. I am a good uncle. I did not put the picture up on the fridge. I don’t want to have to show that to my nephew and tell him, ‘Do not become an artist. You have no talent.’ It looks like a dinosaur tree, with no detail; just a green marker circle. My sister already stopped him from eating popsicles when she realized he would never make a decent architect.
The kid could've worked, saved up, and given me something meaningful from the Dollar Tree. Such as a real Chanukah card.
Children should not get credit for everything they do. I am still trying to figure out if my niece deserved to graduate kindergarten. She couldn’t read the diploma. I don’t even think she could trace it, inside the lines.
 
Trivet
It might have been an ashtray. Every pottery piece I ever got looked like an ashtray. Pottery class should not be something they allow in elementary schools. It seems to condone smoking.
Paper-mache should be banned altogether. I cannot tell you how many gifts I have received over the years that look like balloons.
 
Socks that My Aunt Stitched together
I like when my socks stay up.
Maybe David didn’t purchase the socks that have no elastic band on the top, because he likes it when his socks don’t constantly fall. Everything stitched falls. Crocheted sweaters with no neck are also not good gifts.
Anything crocheted is not a good idea. Marshall’s has a hard-enough time getting my waist size right.
 
Chocolate Coins
Also known as Chanukah gelt (money in Yiddish), this is not real money. They are chocolate with tin foil on top. You got me the first time you gave me these chocolate coins. You aren’t going to make a fool of me again. I will not be mocked by people at 7-Eleven who do not accept chocolate as currency.
Instead of spending $50 on two dollars worth of chocolate, give me $48 and a couple of Hershey’s bars.

Please don’t be angry if you receive a racket with a ball attached to it, a calendar from 2011, my nephew’s paper-mache Chanukah card drawing, socks that don’t fit me, or silver foil in the shape of a coin. I need to make space in my room for the pants and crocheted sweaters I am going to receive this holiday.
Come to think of it, I think she got that calendar for free. The calendar had Chabad written all over it. And there was an envelope marked with an address for a donation.

Announcements
Last week's community Thanksgiving meal after Thanksgiving was well attended. It was an excellent brisket meal. We want to thank our sisterhood for ensuring American Jewish tradition was celebrated with a brisket and corned beef. We are happy the sisterhood insisted on not making turkey, and fighting the heathens on the shul's board.
 
We want to acknowledge all the people who have truly been paying attention to the rabbi's neck stick out and look around method. It has truly added to the singing in shul.
If you are not aware, when the rabbi lifts his neck and looks around, the congregation is supposed to join.
 
The rabbi insists on chanting. Chanting classes will take place on Tuesdays, when you're back to your weekly sinning routines. Words in chant form should help with Teshuva, repentance, as well. We translated Teshuva, as many of you who are always sinning and harmonizing in shul probably don't know what it is.
 
Parents are encouraged to ask their kids to help around the house, so we don't have to deal with annoying selfish little people who leave wrappers on the floor. Please encourage your children to not learn from their parents.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you go up against an enemy, you prepare with prayer, gift and war. Every time I go to a board meeting… Yes. That’s why I bring sweets… I would bring sheep and oxen, and send my kids in first, but my wife won’t let me… Yakov didn’t discuss this sending the kids first with his wives… He made a decision like a man, and told everybody to first meet their uncle, his enemy…
If he goes first, his brother kills him. The same reason I always show up late to the meetings...
It’s a lesson for life. You do what your parents tell you. You run errands for them. You don't throw trash on the floor... Your parents educate you wrong Chaim. Don't be like your parents... And you too Kayla. Don't be like them. I know them...
 
The crazy thing is his brother is considered his enemy here...
We're trying to stop Mordy and Micky… I know they’re twins, but they have to stop fighting in junior congregation. Hair is getting pulled. Kids are scared to take candy now, as they saw what Mordy did to Micky… It was over a Jolly Ranchers. Not a very jolly rancher...
The kosher Jolly Ranchers… Bazookas are just dangerous. Kids try to get more flavor out of those… I know it’s impossible after the first twelve seconds… That’s why they swallow them, trying to get more flavor… You don’t prepare for war with Bazooka. Three chews of taste is not a gift. It's a tease... Bazooka starts wars...
I don't know why they named them that. I think their parents were hoping they could get roles in a Disney movie…

You listen. Yakov had a good plan and they listened... Well the Fergmans don't have good plans. I saw the house...

First the peace offering gifts of appeasement and then the splitting the camp up. They did what Yakov asked. It’s not that hard… They didn’t make random decisions to mess up the community, like the board.
You cook a decent brisket for Thanksgiving… Thank you to the sisterhood for listening to me… On Thanksgiving we were able to celebrate America and what it has given the Jewish community. Brisket…
Just follow my lead. When I raise my neck and look out over the congregation, you join in the chant… It’s not a song. It’s a chant. It’s more meaningful than a song...
 
And his kids helped around the house. You clean the floor of the shul when you drop stuff all over it. Mordy... Yes. I am scared of Mordy, but I will not let him run all over our shul...
They don't clean. They learn from you... You don't even put your plate in the compost bin on Shabbat. Composting is the only excuse for littering... You don't compost taffy. No. We don't put the color florescent pink back into the earth... If your kids were throwing asparagus on the floor, that would be fine. Compost...

So, we understand listening to our leader, me, and splitting up the camp...

But you share the bad stuff. If you want to make peace, you never share the good stuff. People like it when you have it bad.
You guys have it too good. That’s the problem in this shul. That's why everybody fights...
 
Part of the gifts is appeasement. (Bereishit 32:5) He told the messengers to let Esav know that ‘I lived with Lavan and I lingered until now.’ A lot of lingering in the shul… You guys never walk into Minyin. You hang in the halls. Just lingering… You linger with Lavan. You don't linger in the halls. The fights in shul are caused because you miss your Aliyahs, lingering in the halls. Lingering with Lavan makes peace...
He lived with Lavan. It’s a curse. Whenever I see somebody who doesn’t like me, I tell them I’m still the rabbi here, and they start to like me a bit. They feel bad for me. They take pity…

Rashi teaches, 'With Lavan I lived and I kept the 613 mitzvot.' Garti (I lived) and Taryag (613) are spelled with the same letters in Hebrew… Acronyms prove stuff... According to this, he is letting Esav know that he didn't give up, like Michael who left in the middle of his Bar Mitzvah. During Revi'i he just said, 'I can't do this. People correcting me. I'm out.' And he left right in the middle of the Aliyah... There is no redeeming factor in that. Esav would still hate you...
 
This is about peace between brothers. If Micky would just let Mordy know the Jolly Rancher was licked and he found it on the floor… If he gave his brother Jelly Bellys and then told him how bad he had it… And even with the Jolly Rancher on the floor, he still went to junior congregation...
 
We learn life lessons from how Yakov prepares. And prayer is right in there. You also prepare with prayer.
I pray you are less annoying. I do that every day...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That was a smart move on Yakov’s behalf. You don’t go first, otherwise you might get hurt.
The rabbi made it clear that he was appeasing. He knew that his brother seeing him right away would cause a war. If the Gabai knew this, he would have other people giving out Aliyahs and show up later.
 
The rabbi is very correct about Bazooka. You don’t give those as a gift. The other person will think it’s a practical joke. Like you gave them a candy that has no flavor. They’ll start chewing and then they’ll hate you and start a war.
 
They truly are taking the rabbi’s neck cue much better now. When he looks up and around, they join. They were starting to get it on Yom Kippur with the BRosh Hashana Nigun. But it took time. The rabbi also developed his neck skills. You can now see it with the Avinu SheBashamim prayer. It is working much better than the hands up and out method of participation calling. Some people thought the rabbi was trying to split the shul with that.
The rabbi is against singing, possibly because of the messed up harmony. It’s in the bylaws now. He has put in a new bylaw that all communal singing must be in chant form. The chants are definitely more meaningful. There's a good solemness to the chants.

The rabbi milks having to deal with the president, Bernie, and Ethel. He feels it draws pity for him. He uses it every time he asks for a raise.
 
I hope the kids got the message from the rabbi and will start helping around the house. The kids are leaving crumbs everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves. Can you imagine if Esav saw that kind of behavior?! The flocks would’ve meant nothing.

Fran got into with one of the little kids who gave her attitude when she suggested he pick up his candy and the wrapper. It was a real scuffle. I believe the whole congregation was happy Fran won. She body slammed him. I think it was Mordy. She can still take down the little ones at 92.
Instead of parent child learning, the rabbi hosted parent child cleanup. He taught them what’s it like to be a prisoner, who has committed a misdemeanor. You litter on the highway, you clean it. You throw candy on the floor in shul, you clean it. He said it was a Torah lesson.
Truth is sometimes Mordy and Micky fight over the half eaten lollypops on the floor. That's a form of compost as well.

The congregation doesn't keep the Mitzvot. Even when they're lingering and have time, they do noting positive.

ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford.
•Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe.

ART & ENTERTAINMENT
•A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need  Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah.
•The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce.
Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett.
•The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist.

JEWISH
•Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. 
•Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach.
•The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike.

ISRAEL POLITICS
•Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism.
•Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons.

ISRAEL INNOVATION
•Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had.
And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice).
Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules.

ANTISEMITISM
Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around.
•Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.'
Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning.

SPORTS
•No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports.
Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.'
•Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under.

Last time we touched on traveling during the winter and what you need as a Jew. Today shall delve a bit more into Frum winter survival on Shabbat, to make sure you are ready to be stuck on the holy day itself.
Frum travel survival is about Shabbat. The only thing that makes it worth it to be Frum is knowing you can crash by people you don't know when you're stuck for Shabbat. That's why Jews become Shomer Shabbis. To save on travel. Here are some extra necessities for snowstorm Shabbat preparedness.
 
Travel with More Food
Shabbat means more food. Anything you were thinking, more. Shabbis food means more than what you ever you ate before. If you ate a kilo and a half last Friday night, you should be packing two kilos for yourself. As you grow in Yiddishkeit, so does your belly (you will want to quote this at some point- possibly at your next Shabbat dinner).
Any day after Wednesday, double up on the food. You have to eat more on Shabbat. If you don’t have room for the kids, leave them at home. The food is more important.
 
Bring A Shabbis Gift
If you can find a Jewish family, you'll want to crash there. This is how Jews have survived for ages, saving money while traveling. You show up for Shabbat and they must house you.
They might be a bit bothered with receiving a nice bottle of wine and a beautiful serving tray with chocolate covered almonds, when you got caught in a storm and all the stores are closed, and you weren't planning on being there for Shabbat. Even so, it's the right thing to do. And if you compare the chocolate covered almonds to the cost of the hotel for the family, it's worth it.
It may be presumptuous. Yet, I always travel with Shabbis gifts. It's fine if you conspire to exploit people for their homes, as long as you have a decent babka.

A Yarmulke and Skirt
These will show the people you’re religious, and that means they should feed you.
 
Always Know Where a Shul Is
Much cheaper than a hotel, shuls are also great in storms. And you don’t have to pretend that you like people to score free housing. They usually have carpets in parts of the hallway. Very comfortable, shuls are a great Shabbat stay, and you don’t have to bring a gift.
Another perk: Unlike hotels, shuls have nonelectric doors. This makes it easier to get in and out on Shabbat, without stalking people (standing there waiting for somebody to initiate the electric door movement and then following them in- some towns consider that a felony, and those towns are anti-Semitic).
If you're a local, I would suggest to spend winter in the shul. You can save a lot on heating if you spend the winter outside of your home.
With their Chutzpah, the other congregants will still ask you to run errands for them. One of the shul members asked if I could pick up their groceries. I let them know that I was caught in the same storm. They didn't get it.
Extra Note: Nobody blames you for not showing up to shul in a snowstorm, even if you’re in the shul.

Bring A Travel Stove
Choolante does not taste the same cold. I don't care how much faith you have in Gd, it does not taste good cold. I learned that when we had choolante on a family trip picnic. That's how you know I am a good Frum Jew. My parents fed us leftovers on a picnic.
You'll have to probably cook your own food, as your hosts will use the storm as an excuse for not 'expecting you for Shabbis.' In this case, enjoy your choolante and reclaim the babka.
 
A Table
On Shabbat, you want to eat on a table. You may not want to pay for a hotel, but you're Menches. If you're going to crash, you're going to eat properly.
The shul may have extra tables. However, your hosts may not have enough room for your eight kids at their table. You may want to bring chairs as well.

I hope these extra Shabbat tips help as much as the tip I gave last week of ‘travel with a lot of food.’ Myself, I don't have time to prepare all this food or listen to my parents and travel with a lot. I'm still going to travel with soda and chips and pray nothing bad happens. I will also bring a Shabbat gift, just in case I have the chance to save money on a hotel, on a clear day.
If you've learned nothing, be a religious Jew. You can save a lot of money on travel this way.

Postscript: Now that I think back to my childhood, my parents never served us choolante as leftovers. They were too good of Jews to do that. We had kugel, tzimis, chicken soup. Never did we eat choolante as leftovers. They were kind to me as a child and they knew that choolante should be thrown out after Shabbis. Even if you're Frum, you should still have a heart.

Announcements
We are celebrating the Pinkowitz birth this week. We are very happy for their cousins. We hope their kids someday bring them Nachis too. For now, we will enjoy the Kiddish in honor of the birth of their new cousin, living in Leeds.
 
A big Mazel Tov on Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. We are all very proud of you, even though your parents didn't invite most of the congregation to the Bat Mitzvah. Please know that if we were invited to the dinner you would get gifts from us.
 
The shul's electric bill has quadrupled. We know nobody will step forward and donate money to help with it. We just wanted to let you know.
The water bill is through the roof too. Literally. There's a hole in the roof.
We're letting you know that we won't depend on you.
 
The shul’s food pantry is on the side of the shul. Stop leaving cans you don't want at the shul entrance. Also, nonKosher food should not be in the kosher food pantry. It's kosher. We know the Feldbergs are heretics.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom...
Wake up. It’s sermon time… Bernie is sleeping again…
This is a place of Gd. When Yakov realized he was in a place of Gd, he woke up...

Yakov took the stone he slept on and made a monument there, and poured oil on it. Pouring oil on the Aron was a bad idea. The ark is holy. We don’t need to pour oil on it… You stained the curtains.
Last time we did anything with oil half the shul burned down. I'm thinking we shouldn't have latkes this Chanukah...
 
(Bereishit 28:13-15) Yakov is sleeping and dreams of the ladder. And H’ is standing over him and He tells him about his offspring ending up in Topeka. And H' says, ‘I will be with you and I will guard you on your journey, and I will bring you back to the land.’  That is how I ended up here... If I didn't believe Gd was with me, I would not be with Bernie, the Pinkowitzs and the board...
Gd is not in Topeka. I can't imagine there is any similarity with our shul and Yakov other than people sleeping in the board meetings. They're boring... Bernie sleeping during the sermon is just Chutzpah...
H’ tells him his offspring will be like the dust of the earth and spread all over world… ‘uFaratzta’ is a great song. Love it. Timeless… There's no better song. You can't tell me it's not one of the top five Jewish songs of all time. Right there with 'Minyin Man'... UFaratzta uFaratzta uFaratzta...
Sforno teaches that we will be degraded like the dust of the earth and experience degradation all over the world… After that we will be redeemed. I hope that after I serve this congregation I will be redeemed...
You can’t be redeemed from good stuff. You can be redeemed from having to deal with Bernie and a board that doesn't fix up the shul... Nobody is going to be sleeping if we can’t pay the electric bill… It’s cold.
 
He slept on a stone. Stop complaining about the chairs… I know the springs are coming through. It’s not stopping Bernie from sleeping. Will you wake him up. This is a place of H’… It should be a place of Gd, but we have a board…

When Gd is there, you can do anything. You know He will bring you back. When you are part of the Oneness of the Olam, you can deal with stuff… You can deal with not getting any nachis from your kids, like the Pinkowitzs. Very religious….
I don't know if we can be comforted by the members.
We started the pantry because you left all of your kitchen garbage at the shul. Not comforting... When I say you can do anything when Gd is with you, that means having strength and comfort in your journeys. That does not mean leaving garbage at the shul. That does not mean not sharing the armrest... It does not mean leaving nonKosher in the Kosher food pantry... I know the pantry is for nonJewish people. But it's Kosher.
And who is keeping nonKosher… Do you just buy stuff and only look if it has a Hechsher at home?... Then return it.
Nobody keeps nonKosher. You don't keep nonKosher. You keep Kosher. The only people who keep nonMitzvahs are the board.

Your cousins went on a trip to England and stayed... It's pathetic. It's not your Simcha... I know it's your cousins. We'll enjoy the herring. We are thankful that you at least give to the shul. And they went on a journey...
 
Just because you left for a year doesn’t mean you don’t invite people to Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. No matter how comforted you were on your journey... There's tons of comfort when you leave the membership of Beis Emes uSefilah...
Maybe donate normal chairs to the shul for the Bat Mitzvah. You didn't invite anybody. Do something.
 
The point is Yakov made a vow. Knowing H' is with him, he made a vow. He made a vow to do something.
(Bereishit 28:20-22) He says ‘If H’ will be with me and guard me on the way that I go and give me bread to eat and clothes to wear. And bring me back to the house of my father in peace… the stone I set up as a pillar will be a house of Gd and everything You give me, I will tithe it for you.’
If you paid your dues. Even two percent.
We have Kiddish here. We feed you… We even have a pantry. And people even drop off their old clothes they hate... I know it's a food pantry. It should be a 'we don't want stuff in our home' pantry.
You poured oil all over. You did that part... Well you are very sloppy in the kitchen...
 
Let’s make a vow that the board doesn’t mess up the shul. Maybe then, we can be sure Gd will be with us…
 
The shul is a House of Gd. Will you wake him up already!
 
I am sorry the chairs are uncomfortable… It’s like you’re sleeping on stone… We’re not pouring oil on the chairs too.
Pour water on Bernie. Wake him up already. This is a place of Gd... And tell Bernie to pay his Yom Kippur pledge already...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Oil in the shul is a bad idea. They use oil for everything. The sisterhood can’t even make a decent dressing.
If they're going to use oil, they have to contain it. If you ever saw our congregants in the kitchen, you'd know how dirty they are.
 
We sung 'UFaratzta' for a good half hour. That word is amazing. All I know is that Bernie was faratztaing the whole sermon. Love that word.

The chairs are uncomfortable. No question about that. It would've been much better if an opera house was closing and not a rundown movie theater.
 
We need more shul Simchas. Something positive done by a member of the shul or their children. We can't keep on celebrating parties for people who've never been to the shul. The other week we celebrated Shmuli's fifteenth birthday in Singapore. Nobody ever met the kid. We needed a reason for a big Kiddish.
The Pinkowitzs are very religious. They believe that their children will do something positive. That takes a lot of belief. You’ve got to see Malkie Pinkowitz. No hope.

I'm not too happy I was one of the eight people in the shul invited to Kayla's Bat Mizvah dinner. I’m a big fan of Kiddishes. You don’t have to buy gifts for those.
The other members of the shul should be happy they didn’t have to go. I had to sit through a family video of their pictures. We saw every picture they ever took of Kayla to that ‘Is this the Little Boy at Play’ song. ‘Sunrise Sunset.’ I think that’s the name.
 
The electric bill is high. The board decided the best way to deal with it is to ignore it.
We really have no heat right now. Services felt like an outdoor concert with no band. I think that's what bothered the rabbi is that Bernie brought a blanket to shul to keep warm and sleep better during the sermon.
I hope he doesn't talk about sleeping again this coming week. It would seem the congregants take that as a cue.

I found myself stuck in a snowstorm recently, for two days, and I learned that I was not prepared because I didn't take my parents' advice. I've been in snowstorms before. I've been caught in lake effect storms. But I've never been caught in the typhoon effect snow of Buffalo. When it's six feet of snow pouring down, you're not ready. I wasn't ready for the effect of more snow than a lake can hold. And it all fell on my car.
I want you to be ready. Especially if you're a Frum Jew, you've got to be ready for Shabbat. Your life depends on it, and it's a Mitzvah to save a life. Hence, I will let you tips for Frum winter survival skills for travel.

Bring a Shovel
In the Buffalo storm the snowplows gave up. They said the 'people will go to work and pick up groceries when it melts.' I had to shovel my car and the street.
Nobody will believe you when you say you shoveled around the car. Even so, take that shovel along and shovel. They will insist that it's impossible to get another three feet of snow in five minutes, and Frum Jews don't work. Even your family will turn the storm into something anti-Semitic.
The scrapers don't help in six feet of snow. You need a shovel for that. I never knew that shoveling my roof was part of the shoveling process. I saw people on their homes, shoveling the roof. They didn't even need a ladder to get up there.

Travel with A Lot of Food
That means enough food for Shabbis, or enough food for a non-Shomer Shabbis family for a week. It's the same amount.
On any trip during the winter, bring it all. Disaster can always happen, especially when duty free is around. When you travel be sure to bring as much as the carrier allows. Never pay for an extra bag; one bag with the largest dimensions allowed. Load up your suitcase with MealMart TV dinners if you must, like your parents do.
Don't trust the airlines to give you enough food when you travel. That one egg omelette with salsa doesn't help with layovers. Now you're caught in Sudan for Shabbat, and you're going to try to make it on a Mezonot roll, because you didn't listen to your parents.
By the way, Frum people should not be eating TV dinners. It's Ma'aras Ayin, and because of Kosher TV dinners we now accuse religious Jews of watching series. Oh. So do they have a TV in their home?!

Keep Leftovers
During the week, travel with leftovers. That's what good Jews eat during the week. Not Frum Jews eat lasagna for dinner. Frum Jews have leftovers. That's the dish.

Travel with Bedding
A mattress too. Travel with whatever your car can hold. That means food, clothing, bedding. Take a cot if you can fit it in the back seat. You should be able to move there. Wherever you're going, you should be ready reside. As Jews of European descent, we should be good at this.

A Gemara
You will have time to learn. The problem is that you can't use a small book. It's almost impossible to turn the pages of a novel with gloves. You need a huge Talmud from the 1960s. Those pages you can turn with mittens.
You can bring Halacha books too. Hopefully, you'll find a place to stay for Shabbat. However, I don't suggest Halacha books. We're talking about a saving a life here, and the place in your car would be much better used for an ice axe and a hand auger.

Listen to Your Parents
My parents were right. Always travel with a lot of stuff. Stuff means food. Make sandwiches. 'You never know.' They are right. You never know. When they loaded up the car with packages of spaghetti and peanut butter, they knew what they were doing. You never know, they might stop producing food. Typhoon effect will do that. We even had choolante in the car. There's a reason. Shabbis is only six days away.
The number one piece of advice I forgot to take from my parents is 'Don't travel. Stay away from storms.' Their friends took their advice and moved down to Florida.
And never throw out leftovers. My parents taught me that too.

I hope my tips and advice help. Myself. I'm going to have a can of soda and chips in the car, and I will pray that nothing bad happens.
Next time we will focus on Shabbis, to bring home the lesson of making sure you travel with a lot of food.

They asked him questions about holiday laws and traditions, because he had Simcha. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? They mistook Simcha for Smicha. Simcha is happiness. Smicha is rabbinic ordination. You usually ask the rabbi questions about Jewish laws and traditions. People like asking happy people questions. Simchat Torah is coming up. You're supposed to be happy on holidays. That was the impetus for this pun. Felt it important to explain. Without an explanation, this pun cannot be understood; which is what makes this an excellent pun.

He left the shul real dirty after Sukkot with his Lulav and Hoshanos, and leaves.
You get it? Hoshonos are willow branches. The leaves get left on the floor after we whack them on Hoshana Rabbah. He leaves leaves there. And he leaves, and he leaves a mess too. With leaves. Puns are about the lesson. Not the humor.

What’s it called when a bird gets hit at a baseball game? A fowl ball. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A foul ball is when a baseball is hit out of play. Fowl is birds. The ball could've been in play, but it hit a bird. Hence, a fowl ball. That would be ironic; a fowl ball that's not a foul ball. Noach also saves birds in the Parsha. He didn't save baseball games- another pun waiting to happen.

How much did Avraham take to Canaan? Not sure. He definitely took a Lot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He took his nephew Lot along, as well as a lot of other people and stuff. A Lot. A lot. Spelled the same, but with a different pronunciation. He took somebody named Lot.

Who was the teacher in the first place Avraham settled? Elon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Elon Moreh is the first place Avraham settles when he's in Israel. Moreh means teacher. Elon was the teacher's name. With puns, education comes first. We're very proud of the educational value of this pun.

Efron didn't want to sell the field, but Avraham got him to cave in. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The field Avraham bought was that of the Cave of Machpelah, MaArat Hamachpelah. The cave is in the field. Efron caved in and sold it. That's your pun for this week. Education.

Esav wanted soup on top of the door. But Yaakov didn't have any lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lintel is a beam on top of a door. It sounds like lentil. Same letters. We learn the red stuff Esav wanted was lentil soup. Lintel. Lentil. What's the difference... Jews will get blamed.