A Frum beggar at the Kotel said, “I only take from a Jewish quarter.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A quarter is a coin. The Jewish quarter is an area of the Old City of Jerusalem. Two different meanings, hence it must be a pun. They must have Jewish quarters there. Read the pun in Yiddish. In US Yiddish “from a” means everything, and it can make sense. “From a” can also be a political statement. In Yiddish-English that Jewish quarter is probably a person who comes from the Jewish quarter. It’s a quite lucid unshackled language.
 
Why did the photographer take a picture of dessert? Because it was cheesecake. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Photographers say “cheese.” Cheese. Cheesecake. To deliver this pun correctly, be sure to extend the "cheese" in the cheesecake. Photographers like cheesecake. At least the ones I know like cheesecake. My lawyer friend also likes cheesecake. A lot of people like cheesecake. Why should photographers not like it?! On Shavuot we eat cheesecake. Wait till after the holiday to take pictures of the cake. Point is, cheesecake is a cake that likes to be in pictures.

The offering didn’t smell good. It was fowl. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fowl. Foul. Foul breath. The bird they sacrificed did not smell good because it didn’t brush its teeth. Which is why you brush your teeth and use mouthwash. A lesson for the kids. The Kibbitzer puns are here to educate the next generation. And kids, never use fowl language. Your average human does not understand what pigeons are trying to say. Our children should be educated. We are just trying to help.

Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings.

When the spies came back from Israel, they brought not grape news. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Great news. Grape news. Sounds the same. The spies, the Meraglim, made the land sound bad, bringing huge grapes, with not grape news. Grape is used instead of great here. We don't want any misunderstanding.
  
The earth saw what Jews did when leaving Egypt, and then it ate a Korach sandwich. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korach Sandwich. The earth eats Korach. On Pesach, due to the Jews leaving Egypt, we eat a Hillel Sandwich at the Seder for Koreych. The Hillel Sandwich is really a Koreych Sandwich. Here it’s a Korach. Not Koreych.

How do you know the red heifer had a cholesterol problem? She was not allowed to have a yoke. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Para Aduma couldn’t have a yoke. Yolk has cholesterol. The spelling of puns doesn't always teach the lesson you are trying to get across.

Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante.
 
End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. 
We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids.
 
The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.”
 
The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom...

(Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend...
We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah...
Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.”
There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism...

Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... 
This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom...
I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone...

What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom.
I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come.
July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element.
It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom...

Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?!
Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom.

Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people...
We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone...
Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise...

What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism...
Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it.
I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore...
I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is...
Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues...
It seems like you value water slides more than Torah.

The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board...

The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink.
Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven.

(Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom.
The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids.

The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. 

Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping.
The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house.

Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul.
The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.”

They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. 
At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American.

Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth."

Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself.

They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything.
There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants.
After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts.

It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. 

The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw.
The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth.

I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me.

It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done.
It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason.

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansy, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.

This all happened in Rochester, New York, second half of the second millennium. Rochester is where people go for excitement, or because they immigrated to the United States and had a cousin in Upstate. Or because they thought Kodak would last more than twenty years.

These kids were growing up in Rochester in the 1920s. Kids grow up in Rochester. People get bigger in Rochester too. Their father, Rav Simcha Tillim, wanted them to learn from Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, a Tzadik. So, he walked his kids an hour each way every day to learn at the Tzadik's Cheder. Why Rav Tillim decided to buy a place as far away from Rav Bergman as possible is another story. It only took a half hour to get from one side of Rochester to the other. Yet, Rav Tillim understood Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. He wanted to instill that pain in his children. Which is known as Chinuch and why we make kids go to school.
Rav Tillim, himself loved exercise, and it turned out he wasn't getting his steps. Back in those days you tracked your steps by shouting out numbers. The conversations with his children on their way to Cheder, Jewish school, made it all the way up to twenty thousand.
Rav Bergman was a rav and a Tzadik, and we know this, because he had an Eastern European accent.
After a day of this exercise and getting in his steps, the father decided the kids should walk by themselves. He already got in the twenty thousand steps. That was enough. He also realized that he already knew the Aleph Bet. To quote, "Lama Ani Holech LCheder. Ani Kvar Yode'ah HaAleph Bet vAni Tzarich LShalem LaZeh. FuFuFuFu."

The Tillim kids came home crying that first day after walking by themselves, as people were pulling their Payis. "Pulling my Payis" is not a Jewish euphemism for joking around with you. I have never heard a Frum Jew say, "Stop pulling my Payis," to somebody who is not a Nazi. I am not saying Jew haters don't have a good sense of humor. I wouldn't want to offend them.
Dad wasn't around, and the children learned real quickly that antisemitism exists when you're not with your parents. As anti-Semites truly hate children. They didn't complain about the two hour walk. And this has me wondering why they didn't take a bus.
As a child in the early 1900s you got beat up every day on your way to Cheder. Why did they beat them up? Because they were Jewish. It was American tradition back in the early 1900s. You see a Jew anywhere outside of the Lower East Side, you beat them up. It was a fun activity. Something to do. Movies weren’t that good back then. Bad graphics. It was a Jewish educational tool as well. You get beat up on the way to school to prepare you for the rest of your life, where people will be trying to kill you. 
These kids were getting beat up two hours a day. Cheder was three hours. Thus, we now have five hours a day of Jewish education.
Why they kept going to Cheder? I don't know. Was there a different route? Yes. But that route would've taken an extra three minutes. 

They told their rebbe, Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, about the anti-Semites. To which Rav Bergman insisted they invite them to Cheder, so the kids would listen. Yard sticks and rulers weren't working in those days. After getting whacked by those a good hundred times, it doesn't bother you anymore. And many educators were sick of pulling out the spiked ball chain flail to help kids learn language. An anti-Semite standing in Shiur, the kids would listen and learn some Torah.
Their rebbe told them, “Come to Cheder and you will be protected every day.” It might have been the dad, Simcha Tillim, who said it, trying to get the kids out of the house so he could enjoy himself and the ice cream he brought home. I believe he purchased vanilla ice cream that day, and it was going to melt in twenty minutes. Back then, you had to eat ice cream real fast. Most families didn't have freezers. You picked up the ice cream from the grocery and you had eight minutes to eat it. So, you had to run home with spoon in hand and kick the kids out before it melted. Otherwise, you would have to share with them. And this is why parents also hate kids. In the early 1800s, before they developed freezers, you had to go all the way to Iceland to get ice cream, hoping a glacier didn't fall on you while you were putting on the sprinkles. That was the development of industry in Iceland. A global hankering for ice cream.
Anyhow. The children walked to Cheder and a dog escorted them every day. Never again were they attacked. I might have got that story wrong. But there was antisemitism. They didn’t even call it antisemitism back then. They called it interfaith dialogue. The Christians would say, “We hate you. You caused the black plague.” And then, to continue the conversation, they would physically assault you. That was only if the government didn't sanction them killing us.

For a year and a half, the dog would walk the kids to Cheder and then back. The dog would wait at the Cheder till it was over and then walk them home. The dog became proficient in Hebrew. It began saying, "Hav Hav." Rav Bergman was an amazing teacher and a Tzadik. At a year and a half the dog stopped escorting them. They finally gave the dog a treat.
For a year and a half, the dog was wondering why they hadn't given him anything yet. When he finally got the biscuit, he said, "I got what I came for. I can go now." Which was translated as "Hav Hav." Or maybe the kids just found a different route.

How the Cheder Started
Rav Bergman was fired. That's usually how Cheders start. He was teaching at a Hebrew day school and he taught kids that you have to listen to your parents, unless if they tell you to not keep Shabbis. Big mistake. Never tell Jewish kids in Jewish day school about Mitzvahs, especially when you're teaching Mitzvahs. When you're teaching the Ten Commandments, The Aseret HaDibrot, you're supposed to teach how to drive on Shabbat with your parents. Any rebbe that wants to keep his job in a Jewish day school knows that.
The principal heard this, closed the Chumash and fired him. I believe the quote was, "You don't teach Torah when you're teaching Torah." The principal understood how to run a Torah institution the right way. The way the Rochester community likes it.
That principal's hands were paralyzed for the rest of his life. So, we know it wasn't the principal that was pulling the Payis.

Lessons of What Followed
Nobody messed with Rabbi Bergman again. A Tzadik and a miracle worker, he had many jobs and nobody fired him.
It was years before anybody closed a Chumash again. People in Rochester would walk around with open books, in fear that they would die or get hiccups if they closed it.
The Smith brothers of Rochester later got a reputation for being guys you don't mess with. But they never closed a Chumash.

Jews started taking up boxing just to get hit in the face, as part of their Chinuch.

Rav Bergman was not seen as a Tzadik by the board of the Jewish day school, because the board of the Jewish day school was made up of a bunch of heretics. And it has thus been tradition in Rochester ever since to fire good rabbis who teach Torah. I'm sorry. I was fired for teaching Torah at a Jewish day school in Rochester, and I'm not even a Tzadik. I had to get it out somewhere. They should've kept me. I am extremely not devout.

The kids found a shorter route. Turns out Rav Bergman lived a block away. Their father just never showed his kids the shorter way.  To quote the father, "The most important part of honoring your parents is staying away from them." 
The kids stopped getting reward for suffering extreme pain. They had to find another way to get to Olam Haba, so they started pinching each other.

Why the anti-Semites were scared of a Maltese Poodle, I do not know.
Nobody knows the dog's name. They say it was a Gilgul, a reincarnation of somebody who wanted to educate children. Probably a Gadol HaDor, the greatest rabbi of their generation, a couple hundred years back, who got fired for teaching Torah to kids in Rochester. 

People come from all over to Daven at Rabbi Bergman's Kever, and they visit Rav Tillim as well. To this day, nobody in Rochester appreciates him. And now kids in Rochester take buses to the Jewish day school and learn arithmetic.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Nechama Burgeman's (September 21, 2010) notes in https://kevarim.com/rabbi-meir-yechiel-bergman/ for something that might be more correct.

Announcements
Our Sefer Torahs are now covered for fire and wind. So everybody should feel safe carrying the Torah and reading from it. Torah insurance is important and holy, as Baruch sold it to us. And Baruch gave his word on the Torah that we need Torah insurance for H'.
 
Simcha wants to apologize for taking the Bris leftovers. He thought that since it was there, it was for the taking. He wants the congregation to know that he will not take any leftovers from any more Simchas. You can invite him to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
 
Our shul has now decided to say extra Tefillahs for the war. It would be good if you showed up to shul to say the prayers.
Rabbi’s Message: I would not trust any of you to pray for our people at home. Your individual Kavanah, which didn’t help Sharon heal after she got her tonsils taken out, will lead to catastrophe.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Laws of Stealing When it Comes to the Torah Which Says Not to Steal. How Malkie Buys Everything- Is Selling to Malkie Schwartzberg Stealing from Mark Schwartzberg. When Is it Considered Stealing from The Bal Simcha- Is it Two Servings of Hash Browns. Why We Need Communal Tefillah and How to Stop Our Community from Affecting Prayers.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You complain like Bnei Yisrael after Korach gets swallowed by earth... I understand that’s a bit dramatic. Have you ever heard Cindy and Carol whine? Bnei Yisrael was not that high pitched... H’ wouldn’t have heard them... When you complain about the new doorway dimensions, it's at such a high pitch... 
Even after you see I am right, you complain. You ask “why is this rabbi leading the congregation?” Because you hired me!!! You would’ve hired Moshe and Aharon... H’ would’ve hired me.

After Korach is swallowed up by the earth and then more protesting by the Jewish people, there's another plague. Which is the normal response to continued complaining from congregants... I’ve thrown lice on my children... This shul needs a plague. Something to stop the board and the committees... They're a plague themselves. Plagues beget plagues... Maybe locusts at the next meeting...

(Bamidbar 17:9-15) Due to the people complaining after the Korach fiasco a plague begins amongst the people... How often do you have to be wrong? At a certain point, it’s time for a plague. Which is why I propose pinching anybody that asks questions to the rabbi...

Aharon stops the plague with his incense... This is not a sermon against drugs... I’m not pro-drugs. It’s just incense, Bernie. 
He stood among the people with incense. That stops plagues. And the poignant smell of marijuana...
(Bamidbar 17:13) “And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague stopped.”  You have to put yourself on the line to stop destruction. I have stopped so many people from joining this shul... The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah have destroyed enough lives. I've seen your children...
Our soldiers have been out there, acting on behalf of our people. Saving us. Standing between the dead and the living. Standing there on behalf of our people... Our congregants won't even stand between Lenny and the other kids trying to get a couple candies from a Bar Mitzvah candying... Lenny is quite violent. Our renovation committee has done nothing!!! You can't even save a Torah... Renovations do not help save a Torah.

Rashi teaches that Aharon stopped the angel from his mission from H’. He let the angel know that it is H’s will, as what Moshe says is only from Gd, to stop the plague. You can't argue with that. Yet. I get arguments about the crown molding on the doorway all the time...
Plagues beget plagues. And plagues stop plagues.
Who is standing in between the sinners of our shul and the good people of other congregations? Who is making sure the plague of our shul board doesn’t spread...

A plague will not hit the Torah. The plague is the shul board wasting money on everything...
Fire and wind damage protection on a Torah?! It’s a Torah??! Who brings a Sefer Torah to a bonfire... Then how do you burn it?! Well don’t take the shul’s Sefer Torah on your camping trip.
What about rain damage?! You have wind. What about water? Is this home insurance where you have to pay more for flooding?! Torah flooding?...
How is Torah insurance part of renovations again? Insurance covers the Torah... Have the insurance lady come to our Sofer expo and she will understand that each letter takes a couple minutes, and she will understand why a Torah costs a 100k.
You’re the renovations committee. Not the Torah committee. You don’t renovate a Torah.
You should’ve got letter damage insurance. Torah letter damage makes sense.
Maybe it’s just me. I don’t understand why we need fire and wind protection to read from the Torah. We need Bar Mitzvah boy protection. If the kid reads slow and doesn’t enunciate, we take away his Bar Mitzvah. Baal Koreh insurance so that we don't have to pay the Torah reader if he makes a mistake. We should be yelling at the Baal Koreh more. Gabai insurance... People attack the Gabai when they’re not called up to the Torah. I've seen him limping due to injury...
Who will stop this renovation committee before the shul is destroyed from the plague of lack of money. And the lack of paid dues plague.

Just because Baruch says we need it, does not mean we need it. Who sold the shul the insurance?... Baruch sold it to us??? Of course he says it's good. That Halacha says we need it... A Yarmulke does not make it an honest sale. The beard doesn't make Baruch a rabbi... He grew the beard to sell Torah insurance... When he was a mechanic he had a Yarmulke, because he was in a Frum neighborhood. When he sold chandeliers in Borough Park, he had a Streimel. As an Uber driver he didn't have a Kippah. He wore a turban... Yes. He's just offensive. Baruch is a racist...

Simcha. You apologized because it wasn’t your family’s Bris. It was Nachum and Rebecca’s child’s Bris, and we appreciate that you acknowledged that you are not part of their family, and you will not be paying for their child to go to our Jewish day school. You still took stuff. You saw leftovers and you packed it up... Of course they thought the other side told you to take it, because it’s awkward. Who takes food from another family's Simcha.. I know it was good. That's why Nachum and Rebecca wanted it... You can
The Bal HaBayit assumed you were told to take it. Who would take his leftovers in full tins?! Like it was a soup kitchen and you were feeding the hungry... I get your family likes to eat breakfast too. And there is tomorrow. That is correct. 
Nachum yelled at his in-laws. He thought his mother-in-law told you to take the lox... 
Did you learn your lesson? Other than not having to purchase any groceries, did you learn a lesson?... With your logic, guests will come and take everything. Why not just have a take away Simcha. Like Yossi’s Not Treif Butcher... It’s a take away. A don’t eat here, so Simcha Simchavitz can have more food at his house.
The plague of not enough food at Simchas anymore because Simcha takes it all home. Doggy bags it...

It is incense that takes the lives of the sinners, and it also saves lives and stops plagues. If somebody stood between Simcha and the scrambled eggs...
The money that the committee has wasted, we need to use that to learn Torah. We need to stand between the board and the shul...
We must pray to H’ to get rid of the evil. To stand between the good and the bad.
We have been saying Avinu Malkeinu now that there's more war... It's more war. There is war and then more war... It’s a prayer. We add it. We care about our people... You've been saying it all these years. You sing it on Yom Kippur with such commitment. Because you have no idea what it means... I know it's a great song. The plague of my congregants. Avinu Malkeinu... It means "Our Father, our King." Maybe Gd will step in for us. Forgive us. And get rid of the board...

If we just got rid of selfishness, and the board. And dumb ideas for renovations and extra insurance policies because a guy with a beard sold it...
It all happened because Korach thought everything was his. It belonged to him... It belongs to Gd, Simcha!!! Now I know why you take all the food from the parties. You hear "It's a Simcha" and you think it's yours. 
Simcha doesn’t care about his people. He just wants to eat his people’s food... It was Nachum and Rebbecas. You stole it...
Fire and wind??? Are you blowing on the Torah? Are you reading it and Fufing it?
And the board owes me a nice parking spot. You should renovate the rabbi's spot...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi threw water on people coming to Minyin this week. He thought that if he did that, he would get more people coming. He said the idea came from the concept that plagues stop plagues, figuring this would stop the plague of no Minyin. He even started screaming at the Chazin, telling him he couldn't sing, in order to get rid of the plague of the Chazin. That one worked. The Chazin quit. The plague of candies being thrown at children real hard, to get them to stop asking for candy in the middle of Davening, begot a lot of injured children.

The rabbi did make his point when he said the board is a plague. And this is why he stands between the board and the two congregants he likes.
Once they heard there would be locusts at the board meeting, nobody showed.

The renovations committee said they're saving our community. To quote, "We are soldiers for Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah." The rabbi told them to not take credit for saving our people from Iran. Somehow, they feel they have taken down the regime by raising money for a new floor tile.

The shul understood the rabbi explaining that he works for them because they hired him. The shul didn’t see how that had anything to do with Korach.

The board will spend money on anything somebody is selling. Fire and wind damage on Sefer Torahs seem to be important now, because somebody was selling it. Malka bought tinsels at The Christmas Tree Shop for Kiddish, because they were selling them. I think it also had something to do with her having the shul credit card. And her not paying for it. 
The argument from Samantha was that her house got damaged and they had no insurance. The rabbi explained that the shul is not in a basement. It turns came out that she had water damage. Fire and wind, it turns out, doesn’t cover water.
At first, I heard Baruch say earth, wind and fire insurance. I told him that was a band and they didn't sell insurance. That's why he changed it to just fire and wind insurance.

The board spends money on everything, because it's not their money. That's the problem. I think I'm going to stop paying my dues till I'm on the board. Then, I'm going to do upgrades on my home. Do non-profit renovations on my house.

Baruch wore his Yarmulke when he sold the Torah fire and wind insurance. So, the committee thought it was their religious duty to get it. That was the first time I saw him in shul in twelve years. To sell Torah Fire and Wind.

Lack of paid membership dues plague is a real thing. The board just hasn't figured out that people aren't members anymore. It's the lack of members plague. It's the lack of people wanting to sit at Kiddish with our congregants plague.

Beautiful Bris by the way. Great food. I understand why Simcha took it. Lox, scrambled eggs- the omelettish type where it's fried a little in a big pan and sticks together in big smooth pieces, everything bagels- for everybody. I love the Bris scrambled eggs. Special cafeteria style scrambled. And then bagels for everybody. Who doesn't love everything bagels? It has everything. Even if you like poppy seed, it's there. They even had Danish.
And Simcha was pretty smooth. You take a tin with that much confidence, you ask the caterer for your own serving utensil, you take it, nobody notices. They think it's your Simcha. That or you're working the kitchen.
Nachum and Rebbeca thought the other side of the family told Simcha to take the food. Who would fill up their own empty the platters in the middle of the Bris? And with tins?! And then to tinfoil it?!

Simcha, later in the week, expressed his anger that the caterer didn’t give him the leftovers at their Bris. So, he took it out on Nachum and Rebbeca.
He didn’t even know the kid’s name. When asked why he didn't offer to pay, Simcha said, "It's not my kid." That started a whole ruckus where Rebbeca had the nerve to say, "It's not your food." To which Simcha Was shocked. As he said, "My name is Simcha." 
That's probably where Simcha gets his name. He gets his food from Simchas.
It took a lot of talking to for Simcha to understand that the food at a SImcha is only yours at the Simcha. After he understood this, he started taking as much food as he could at the smorgsboard. And he also loaded from the buffet. Took a tin from the buffet to his table. His family ate well at the parties. He even started fasting for days before Simchas.
Later on, the rabbi said, "It's yours and others as well." That concept didn't compute, as Simcha has made it a point since to guard his plate at all cost. He built a table contraption to close off his area at Simchas now. He puts down his seating card and then places a plastic box over his area. Thus, creating a cubby for his plate.

The fact that Avinu Malkeinu added a minute to Davening, less congregants showed up to shul. They said they care about our people and Israel, as long as we keep Davening to a minimum.

The When Stealing from Bal Simcha Class led to how much you have to give as a gift. Since that class, Simcha has been packaging food at the Simchas and giving it to the Bal Simchas as a present. If it's a wedding, Simcha will package two trays of their food.

This is the second part of the story in Berachot 61b. But sometimes it's good to start with the part where the person dies. So, let us learn about Rabbi Akiva's death in praise of Gd. I figured that people need a bit of a pick-me-up. 

It was time for Kriyat Shema when they took Rabbi Akiva for execution. It seems to always work out that way. You're in the middle of something important, and it's time for the Shema prayer.
The Romans were combing Rabbi Akiva's flesh with iron combs. That hurts. In camp, the older guys once put toothpaste on a tennis racket and rubbed that on me when I was a kid. It was torture. I can only imagine iron combs with Colgate.
Now I know where those guys in the older division got it from. A bunch of anti-Semites. Self-hating Jews. Iron combs are serious. And it was torture. This isn't one of those straightening irons. This wasn't a modern day Israeli guy open shirt with curlies flying all out there. This was an iron comb running over Rabbi Akiva's flesh. This was serious. Almost as serious as not brushing your teeth. There are lessons for children in this story too.

It was at this time that Rabbi Akiva was accepting upon himself the Yoke of Heaven. Known as saying the Shema. Some people have Kavanah, intent in their prayers. Some people understand what they're saying. Rabbi Akiva was not spacing out like every one of congregants. As the iron combs were running over him, he focused on H'. You hear somebody cough and all Kavanah is lost. You're already thinking about Golden Grahams for breakfast. And I can't even get one of my students to study for a test.

Rabbi Akiva's students asked, “Even to this extent? Even now with burning iron blasted all over your skin? A cough can ruin Kavanah for anybody. What does it take to distract you? We thought you were kidding with that serving Gd with all of your soul. Jokes are jokes. We didn't realize you were serious.”
Rabbi Akiva answered, “All my days, I felt bad about the verse ‘with all your soul,’ meaning even if He takes your soul. I asked when will it come to my hands to be able to fulfill this? And now that this opportunity has come to my hands, should I not fulfill it?!” His students didn’t know if they were supposed to answer that question. Sometimes, your rebbe puts questions out there, and you think you're supposed to answer it. Next thing you know, they have the answer. 
At that point, the students didn’t ask anything more. They didn’t want another speech. At that point, Rabbi Akiva was asking why his students are still asking him questions, when he's dying. Even now, they're bothering him with questions.
Irony: "With all your soul" is in the Shema prayer. And it's also ironic that I used the word "irony." A little pun Rabbi Akiva might have appreciated at the time, if they spoke English.

Rabbi Akiva was extending the “Echad” the word "One" for H’. Until his soul departed at Echad. Some say he ran out of breath. It was probably the physical torture. Nonetheless, they never gave a length to the tradition of extending the word “Echad.” I’ve seen people in shul pass out. I’ve told my congregants to not continue past the point where their face turns red. Dying from the Shema is not a Mitzvah.
And you missed Zman Kriyat Shema because you were tired and needed a little more sleep. Were you tired from Romans trying to kill you?!

A voice from Heaven came and said, “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva, that your soul departed at the word 'Echad.'" Many people have been caught waiting for their rabbis to finish "Ahava Rabba" prayer, never to have the privilege to begin saying the Shema. Others, in modern day shuls, have waited for their rabbis to finish the Shema, passing away before they were able to move onto the next prayer.
The ministering angels said before the Holy One, blessed be He, "This is Torah and this is it’s reward?" And who said angels can't be sarcastic?!
Gd said to them, “Their portion is life.” Meaning eternal life. The Tzadik gets world to come. Where there are no Romans and people running toothpaste over a tennis racket on your chest. I think.
A voice from Heaven came and said “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva for you are invited to the life of the world to come.” How many people are invited to Olam Haba?! People usually just end up in the world to come. No invitation. Uninvited. They pass away quite rudely. Then they just crash the party. Show up all dapper in their shroud like the life of the party. The angels are like, “Who invited this guy?!” Angels can be quite snobby.
Rabbi Akiva was invited. He probably even had a place card set up for him at the dais. There's nothing worse than showing up and not finding your name on the place card table. You think they know you, and now they're scrambling to sit you at a table, pulling in a last minute chair in Gd's presence. 

Commentaries
Tzadiks are popular in the world to come. Rabbi Akiva showed up and Hillel and Shamai are high-fiving him, asking him questions they've been arguing over since they got to heaven. At this point, Rabbi Akiva is asking how he has to answer questions even in heaven.

Tosfot (Ketubot 103b “Mizsuman”) teaches that "invited to the life of the world to come" means he will have no judgment or suffering getting into the world to come. "Invited to the world to come" sounds like a curse. If you're a Tzadik, it's different. But it says "life." The Tzadik lives there. The Tzadik finally gets to relax, unless if Hillel and Shamai are still arguing.
The Maharsha teaches that the Tzadik's portion is in the world to come. It's not in this world, where you have to deal with students. 

Since I heard the story, I started keeping my Echads real quick.
The Gemara (Berachot 13b) teaches, “All who prolong the word Echad will have their days and years prolonged.” I shall start extending my Echads again. I guess I misunderstood the passing away during Echad part. I have to go over the story. I never get the point.
The Gemara is probably saying the world to come is prolonged. Either way, it seems like a good idea to extend the Echad a bit. It might take a few seconds off life, but it gives you eternal life of connection with One, Gd. Maybe even a place card.

Lessons of What Followed
There must be a lesson here. If you have anything, please let me know. It would be nice.
Wait. There must be something there about serving H' with all your soul.

Sometimes you should answer questions. Maybe if his students would've answered his question, Rabbi Akiva wouldn’t have been killed. If they just would've said, "Maybe it's better to say the Shema in the sanctuary." And from that day on, students started answering the questions their rabbis asked them.
Why we don't say ZT"L (Remember the Tzadik for a Bracha) for the Tanaim, I can't answer that. Rabbi Akiva should continue his Aliyas Nishama (a rising of his soul) in the merit of all the Torah he gave us. Same with Rabbi Yosef Karo and the Rama. Maybe there's a time limit on ZT"L. If we're still learning your Torah after four hundred years, we accept you're dead, and we'll remember your name.

One must choose life. However, when without a choice, you praise H' till the end. I've been in many extenuating circumstances of suffering, such as last Yom Kippur. The Chazin was so bad. Davening felt like it took days. But I still praised H's name. I like to think that I learned from Rabbi Akiva.

And it's because of Rabbi Akiva and his students that Torah lives.
To this day, parents use this story and speak of iron combs to get kids to brush their teeth before bed. They also use the story to let their kids know they have no excuse to not say the Shema, by scaring them.

***I probably got the story wrong. Maybe the Gemara is a better source. Berachot 61b might work as a good place to look, if you understand Aramaic. Or you can do what I did and check out the Artscroll Schottenstein Talmud Bavli Berachot 61b3. The footnotes there also make the commentaries much easier to misunderstand.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.

Announcements
Women’s salsa dance classes will now be taking place in the shul every Wednesday. Men are not allowed, so salsa permissible.

We commend the old people for coming to shul, even though they have arthritis. The pain you deal with is unimaginable, as we hear you groaning in shul. To quote the rabbi: “It’s not as painful as having you as congregants

We ask that the men are honest and let the Gabai know if they’re too weak to do Hagba.
The women of the shul want the guys to know that they look like a bunch of weak losers. And it looks worse when they can’t open more than three columns. The women have sent a list to the Gabai, letting them know which husbands can’t even bring in the groceries from the driveway. The wives say their husbands are too weak, due to too much use of recliners. It turns out no man in this shul has any strength, or they just make it a point to not help out around the house.

Contemporary Halacha Class: What Is Arthritis and Why Does Every Old Jew Have It. How Hagba Has Caused Many Heart Attacks Among Jews Who Have Watched Our Congregants Lift the Torah. Working Out Is Not Forbidden- How Being Out of Shape and Looking Like a Congregant is Not a Religious Duty. How to Not Help Your Wife Around the House with Mr. Schwartzman.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 14) They're told they are going to die in the desert... Sometimes honesty does not make you feel good. Knowing I have a contract at this shul for another three years does not make me feel good. Having to see Bernie every Shabbat does not make me feel good... Some people don’t like hearing they’re going to die...  Our ancestors wanted to live. They didn’t have congregants...

(Bamidbar 14:40-41) After shaming Gd with the spies fiasco, all the sudden they want to apologize and go to Israel, and Moshe says, “Why are you going against Gd’s word...” All of the sudden they accept Gd can help them. When they're going to die. As the saying goes, "There are no atheists in Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefeilah."
Just like Yitzie Chayim Moishie’s Hagba. Didn’t need help in the beginning, and then everybody had to run to help him...

When they hear they’re going to die, all the sudden, “We’ll listen to Gd now”... Well let’s talk about Timothy’s funeral... Okay. Then let's not talk about Timothy's funeral...

Moshe continues, “And it will not succeed.” It's too late. H' won't help now. The enemies will kill them without H’... Has anything in this shul succeeded?
Sometimes it’s too late. SOmetimes the punishment is there and you have to accept it. We haven’t even started the renovations and it’s too late... Too late to make it look good, because it’s not what H’ wanted... H’ wants an ark and people praying, Bernie. And I am having a hard time having to deal with you as a congregant...
It’s too late when you have a committee making decisions... Once the committee is formed. It’s too late. Gd is not there... Because committees make dumb decisions. They ruin everything beautiful about our religion. They get rid of Kichel at Kiddish... Well. Without Kichel, you've killed tradition. And without a floor in the shul...

You already ripped up the floor to the shul... It’s not helpful, because you can’t start the renovations yet. We are now Davening on a half a carpet... An old carpet is better than half a carpet. We need H's help to succeed, especially when our shul has committees... And I do worry about the Mechitzah Committee. H' is not on your side...

Rashi teaches “What you are going to do will not be successful.” If somebody would’ve just told the board that, maybe we would have a beautiful shul, and Bernie would stop talking. Maybe we wouldn't have a board. If somebody would’ve just told me there is no hope here... If we didn't have a board, we would have been redeemed...

When it’s too late and H’ doesn’t agree with you, don’t do dumb things, because it won’t work out... Then don’t go against the word of Gd. Who goes against Gd???!!! Why are you going against Gd?!!! Why did you get rid of the carpet and Kichel?! You're not the president of the shul...

It’s too late to do what’s right. Now we have Frum women dancing salsa... So now, if it’s a women’s event, it’s fine?! What happened to the "Hora" and "Mayim BSason"? It's Jewish dance class. When did salsa become Jewish???
Salsa??? Are we going to have merengue dance parties in the sanctuary now?... I was against the limbo. First Bar Mitzvah I saw that at, I kicked out the band...
Just because it’s in the women’s section does not make it Mutar. Just because it’s a women’s only event does not make it Jewish...

Do I have to hear you groaning in the middle of my sermon?... Your noise is painful. Just hearing you, I don't feel good... You are painful. Seeing you age hurts...
It’s painful because you’ve eaten like an animal till now. It’s too late for Felvel to be in shape. He has no hope... Yes you have to keep in shape. You just can’t do salsa... Because Jews don’t do salsa.
And now, all the sudden, you ask Gd for help with your arthritis.

And then to have to see you do Hagba. It’s pathetic. He can't help with that much patheticness... You needed the spot. Otherwise, the Torah would’ve fallen when you said “ouch. my back. My back is a goner...” You pulled your hand away from the Torah to clench your back. Pinchas caught the Torah. Saved us from all having to fast... Pinchas is a hero. A Calev...
Does the hand back there even work?! Does bringing your hand to the back stop the pain?!
Half the congregation is too weak to bring out the Torah, let alone Hagba. Pathetic... The Gabai never asks you because you look weak... I know you’ve been working out. You just look out of shape Yitz. No Yitzi has ever looked strong. Yitzi Chayim Moishie. I don't even think the ping pong team would've taken you...
Hagba has looked pathetic in this congregation. We got Shmuly going for eight columns... Looks great until you get all loose. It slacked and it was pathetic. You look strong and then “This guy is a loser. Somebody's got to pick up the parchment”...
Three columns is fine. You may look weak. But it doesn’t look as bad as when the whole shul has to jump to your aid... Why the Gabai is spotting you right away, right after he asked you to do Hagba is a smack in the face... It means he doesn’t trust you and wants you to look bad... It looks almost as bad as Galila. Probably even worse. At least Torah rolling takes some skill. A good tight Galila is respectable for weak people...
Without H’, it’s not successful. If you’re weak and without H’ you will die... The point is something bad will happen if you drop the Torah. Chas vShalom.

Nowhere in the Torah does Gd say he wants Jews to have their bellies hanging over their belts. Even if they do go out for choolante on Thursday night...

Work out for H’. Put in the effort. We are purchasing a weight room for the back of the shul... So you guys can work on your Hagba.
Accept that you have truly sinned and not prepared correctly. That you have listened to the Meraglim and are weak... The board. It’s all the same. If the board would’ve went to spy out the land, they would’ve come back with negative reports about the land and how it needs to be renovated... There will also be a dance studio. A weight room and a dance studio. That's how we'll connect with H'.

(Bamidbar 14:41) “For we have sinned.” All the sudden they say they've sinned. And our renovation committee still hasn't apologized for renovating my seat... You should apologize, because you haven't put on the other cushion. I'm sitting on concrete.
Or HaChaim teaches that their apology was not sufficient because it was not sincere. It was only because of regret that they’re not going to enter Israel.

When it’s too late, we know, it’s not sincere. Sincerity comes when you don’t make dumb committee decisions. When you don't have a Samantha Bracha Tova on the board...
Sincerity. Accept you messed up. Then you can succeed, accepting you’re a loser who doesn’t work out. Then you can succeed with a little three column pathetic Hagba. Accepting that Frum women don’t do salsa. At least you can be a good Jew. Not a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

It’s going against Gd’s word and it will not succeed. When it’s not sincere, it goes against Gd’s word. Like every one of you liars who told me this is a beautiful congregation... Well not anymore. After you finish renovations...

What will succeed? Not messing up everything to begin with. Not listening to Baruch Moishie and Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit... We have the fakest congregants... At least we can see the Botox. Your face is just not you. It's too late to apologize for that.
If you can sincerely see where you messed up on the renovations. The salsa. The Gabai who can't figure out a decent Hagba. Getting rid of Kichel...

Of course. Do Teshuva now. Sincere Teshuva. Timothy is dead... For this congregation it's too late. I don't think I could ever forgive you. It's only because you want me for another three years.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi realized real quick that it wasn’t a good idea to talk about Timothy’s funeral. Nobody showed up. Not even the rabbi. It was a sore subject, especially because people found out later that Timothy had a lot of money.
The rabbi blamed the length of this week's sermon on Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit's name.

I think the rabbi was saying that congregants make him want to shoot himself. He truly connected with Moshe, as he said, "If I was leading you in the desert, I would’ve happily not gone into Israel with you. And I would've hoped the board would've perished." He softened that by saying, "Only because you would've sinned to Gd."

I believe the point the rabbi was making is that Frum Jews don't do salsa. If they dance, they can't do Teshuva. That, and that Geula hasn't happened yet because the board put together a committee who stopped serving Kichel at Kiddish. Which Gd doesn't support. And that is the reason the renovations in the shul are messed up. I believe that summarizes the message of the sermon. Our rabbi is always practical.

They couldn’t afford the office staff and the trainer. So, they got rid of the executive director and now we have Svan running the shul finances. How every trainer is names Svan I do not know.

Everything is a program nowadays. Nothing is holy. If it brings Jews, it’s a Jewish thing for a shul. They had pizza making. How that’s Jewish. No idea. They then had a book club where they discussed Grapes of Wrath. Somehow that’s Jewish if Jews are discussing it. It turned out that what truly made Grapes of Wrath Jewish is that it was Jewish women discussing it.
Anything that is forbidden is fine if it's a women’s events. They even have women singing hip hop and Cardi B in the shul now. Ladies Karaoke Night is Jewish, because it's just women. As long as it’s a women’s event, it’s Jewish. Popcorn and Pickleball is another event the shul started hosting in the social hall. Men tried joining, but they were kicked out for being heretics. Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit said, "Men make it Asur. Pickleball is only permitted for women." Now the women are also having shul pool parties. The men are allowed to learn Torah. That's not forbidden for men.

Our rabbi truly did stop the limbo. First time he heard it at the Bar Mitzvah, he kicked out that band. Then, all the sudden the limbo became tradition, along with the chicken dance. Which I feel is Asur, because it makes fun of chickens.

They grunt all day. The old men reach for schnapps at Kiddish and grunt. You hear a loud “Oy. My back.” Their backs are always going. I think they drink the schnapps to forget the pain.
All you hear in shul is the old people complaining about their pain. It's a competition. Competitive arthritis. Everybody has arthritis. I have no idea exactly what arthritis is. I believe it's any pain an old person gets from being old.
The rabbi explained arthritis in his contemporary Halacha class. To quote, "Every old person has arthritis because they have you as their children." So, I am thinking it's an old person disease that they get for having kids.

I understand strength classes. Habgba just looks pathetic when these guys do it. You see them going full arm out and then it all slacks. You’ve got four guys jumping in to help get the parchment back in place. They have to put it back on the table to roll it. It's a painful ordeal, especially when you have five guy's whose backs all go at once.
We need to get in better shape here. They all talk about security and the need for safety. If anybody came to attack our shul, half the members wouldn't be able to raise their arms. That's probably why they're always interrupting the Drashas. They're too weak to raise their hands with a question.

Men have to be honest and say they’re weak. or they haven’t hit the gym.
With the gym and salsa classes, the JCC is going to go out of business. The JCC has Israeli dance classes. But women's salsa classes are more Jewish.

Everybody should be safe. And this war should end soon. Israel should be surrounded by peace. And all evil wiped out from this world. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my lack of support for people wanting to kill Jews.
With that in mind, I've seen the resilience of our people, and how they have not let bomb shelters slow them down, or bring them down. They have done this by keeping active. Here are some activities I've seen our people doing in the bomb shelters and other ideas to help you get by.

Sing. Singing is a great activity. And bomb shelters have great acoustics. If there's one really good bomb shelter feature, it's that you sound real good. Better than you do in a shower. Which is why bomb shelters never have areas to bathe.
Don't stop singing for anything. Siren, bomb, not showering for three days, sing. When bombs are hurled at your home, you celebrate. Ballistic missiles fired at you should not stop a decent Niggun. 
That family that lost their house was still singing. Dad was sitting at his piano. He didn't even realize the place blew up. Why? He was singing.
"Acheinu" is quite meditative. You get into that on your piano, you don't realize you've been hit. You get into a NayNayNay trance, you don't hear the bomb going off in the kitchen. 

Kabbalat Shabbat. You're there anyways. You have another chance to sing. Go for it.

Schoolwork. The bomb shelter is where your kids have to do schoolwork. I can assure you that school is out. Any excuse to cancel school, it will happen. Teachers have a chance to not have to teach your kids, they will not teach your kids. Epidemics, war, price of cottage cheese going up, school is out. Weather outside over eighty degrees Fahrenheit school is out. Hence, school is out for the summer too. This is why a lot of people who grew up in the Southern United States are not well educated.
Teachers love epidemics and wars. They don't even hear war. They hear Zoom and sunbathing. 

Fight with your siblings. That's a good activity. Something to do. 
Board games are also fun. That will lead to a fight.

Sleep. Try to sleep. You may need to ask the kids to leave the bomb shelter for this to happen.

Post on social media. Do not miss a chance to look good online. Bomb shelter pictures will get some likes. Ma'amad family portraits makes the bombings worth it. Just make sure you're all smiling. Nobody wants to see bunker selfies with you looking all down.
​You won't get as many likes as you did for your family vacation pictures in the Bahamas, swimming. But people will like it. 
I'm getting the feeling that giving a thumbs up to some of the bomb shelter posts is giving people the wrong idea. When scrolling posts, I am going to start giving that heart hugger.

Community bomb shelters can be fun. Fart and then look at people's faces. I am sorry. I had to. I'm just throwing out ideas to bring some joy to the bomb shelter living.
Or just look at people's faces after having to smell you. This is most fun when in a bomb shelter for a few days.

Family bonding. Another way of saying the kids are fighting.

Pray. Pray a lot. Tehillim is always good. As long as it's Hebrew and you don't understand it.
Nachlaot in Jerusalem learned from previous Intifadas. They found themselves Davening in a bomb shelter and decided to make it their shul.

Dance. Jews seem to like dancing in these shelters. If you're in a bomb shelter, party.
We're always dancing. Bombings, bomb shelters, football matches, on flights, army bases, in tanks, middle of attacks, we are dancing. House blows up, we're dancing. Singing and dancing.
Maybe we should slow down on the dancing. People are getting the wrong idea from much of what everybody's posting. They see everybody singing and dancing in the bomb shelters and they think we love it. Israel loves getting shelled. For world opinion, we need to be in there crying, not singing the "We Will Not Fear" song. Especially with that happy jump dance they do everywhere.
Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. 
Iran is saying, “What have we done? Look. They’re loving it.”
Dance. Just don't post it. We look like a messed up society of people who love having rockets aimed at us. 
Point is, enjoy every moment. Just don’t let other people know we’re a happy people. Nobody supports happy people. Happy people are aggressors.

In one bomb shelter they had a unicycle, guy on a tightrope and a woman flipping trapeze style. Bomb shelter carnivals are generally a bit much for most Ma'amads. Some outside activities are not meant to be done in ten square foot settings with eighty people. Juggling fire is one of them. But they did it.
Point is, do not let war get in the way of your fun. 
Workout. That's what my nephew is doing. Forget about war, he's worried he might lose some mass. It’s what the bombs are going to do to his bench press.
We’ve truly got to slow down on the fun. At least posting it. These Jew haters around the world truly think we love getting bombed.

Give a Shiur. That's a great way to end the party.
Talk politics. That's even a better way to end a party.
Share your opinions. That's a much better way to end a party. That will get everybody mad. 
Shares memes of Bibi and the Ayatollah. 

Answer the phone. The in-laws will keep you active, answering the phone a good three times an hour. They will help keep your mind off the attacks by asking you if bombs are going off in your building.
They're worried in America. They want to know you're also having an anxiety attack.
Get your mind off what’s going on in Israel and your bunker living, and focus on the people who are truly suffering right now. Your in-laws in America didn’t sleep last night. Think about them and what they're going through, sitting in their home, watching Fox. 
Side note. It would be appreciated if Fox News only showed the Israelis dancing in the bomb shelters, for the in-laws.

News. Watch the news to remind yourself that they're shooting at you. Just in case you haven't heard from the in-laws in a few hours.

Start a sit in. If you're in the bomb shelter long enough, you're already doing it. Give it a cause. Maybe say you're protesting teachers who don't work. 

I love that our people keep happy no matter what. Keep on dancing. Maybe just don't post it.
Don't post everything on social media. With all the singing, dancing and acrobatics, people are starting to think we enjoy being locked up in a shelter. Like we're enjoying the missiles and shrapnel aimed right at us. We have to make things look worse. Otherwise, world opinion will never be on our side.
We have to find a way to make it look like we don't enjoy running to bomb shelters.

And sing some more. It keeps people from sleeping. 
I hope this will help you bring more happiness and joy to your bomb shelter.
Whatever the case, we've got to start recording in these Ma'amads. With the acoustics, great sound. 

***Please note. The Kibbitzer Magazine takes no responsibility for David and his messed up ideas. We received one response from a concerned reader. It read: "Enjoying the bomb shelter???! What is wrong with this guy? Is he an idiot?! I understand a piano and a good 'Acheinu,' but dance parties?!" David's response was, "They look like a lot of fun and a good place Daven."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the shul trying to raise money, and Shwarma made by Yashki, while waking people who are trying to sleep at Costco with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his concern about people getting too excited, burning themselves, instead of waiting for sunflower seeds.

Announcements
It’s Father’s Day this Sunday, so remember who to blame for messing you up.

After the board’s investigation, we want all to know we don’t have any Sotahs in the shul. Nonetheless, Mrs. Bergenfeld is not trustworthy. We don’t suggest you trust Mrs. Bergenfeld with your plate at Kiddish. She’ll swipe your Kichel.

If anybody wants to keep their donation that they donated already, as donations, now is the time to donate more money. 
As a new fundraiser, the renovations committee has decided that any donations made in the past are not donations anymore. Nobody cares about Freddy Markowitz dying eight years ago. To quote the President of the Board: "We already got the money from that death." But we will care about Freddy again if you donate another Parochet, curtain, for the Aron.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up Your Bar Mitzvah Parsha Because Your Dad is a Sinner and Never Around. The Obligation of a Shul to Not Care for Your Loved Ones Who Have Passed Without a Donation. Women You Shouldn't Trust in Shul and What It's Like to Be on a Committee with Mrs. Bergenfeld, Even Though She's Ninety.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 8:22) “After this, the Levites came to perform the service.” They prepared. They didn’t just show up, like Yankel for his Bar Mitzvah... Worst Layning I've ever heard. Did Yankel even know it was Behalotcha?!... If he listened during Hebrew school classes, it would've been better. Still would've got it wrong, but he would've been reading Hebrew... Yankel. The Torah was not written in Sanskrit.
When you have a Gabai that puts no effort into anything, you get Shavuot with no flowers on the Bima. There wasn't even a dandelion... Well. Putting together a flower committee was the problem. A committee of dads. Have you ever seen a father in this shul help?!... They’re always running around. Working. Not helping Yankel... They run to not help.
Without preparation the service gets messed up. You end up with a Chazin like...

(Bamidbar 9:2) “The Pesach sacrifice at its time...” Have we ever started Minyin on time? There’s a time for Minyin. Not a half hour late. It doesn't say in the Torah to start Shacharit half hour after it's Zman. "Make sure to Daven to H' at the wrong times."
Things were at times. When you’re running... I understand you want to get away from the kids. Then, tun to Minyin...
You prepare in order to do things at the right time. Our shul prepares to do things late... The dinner last month started two hours late. And that was prepared. Even the caterer starts stuff late at our shul... Sean Christopher Catering is not a member...

When did they serve? Good question. Well let me tell you... The Pesach service was on Pesach. "at its time"... The Pesach time is Pesach. Not during Rosh Hashana...
(Bamdibar 9:19) When the cloud was there for many days “the children of Israel kept Gd’s shifts (Mishmeret) and didn’t travel.” You can’t keep Gd’s shifts on the road with Hells Angels. The Levites weren't ride or die... I understand you like to ride and get away from your family for Father’s Day. We all deserve that gift. I want to get away from this shul... There should be a Rabbi’s Day. A day where congregants hold off on asking dumb questions... You can’t do Gd’s Mitzvot of raising a good family in a biker bar...
You can’t accomplish on the move. When you’re on the road, you’re stagnant... I know you’re moving, but you’re not... Travel is when you accomplish nothing, other than getting away from your family. Which I understand has value. Travel is why your lawn looks disgusting... Mow the thing before your trip then...
You have to be in one place. That is how you serve H’... You’re not doing shifts when you’re out fishing in Vermont.
You’re all always running. Trips, vacation. The only place you’re not running to is shul.... How much do you do in Disney World... I know the Epcot is cool. Is there a Tabernacle there?

When is the time? When you’re still. Inertia... The laws of inertia are objects in motion accomplish nothing...

You have to prepare. But once you have it all down, you stay. If you want to accomplish, if you want to serve, you stay in the same spot...
I'm not saying that everything accomplished is good. See the youth of our shul... Somebody messed you up. You don’t end up like this without nurture...
I called the day school. They said it’s not their fault. I spoke to the athletics department at the JCC. They’re not taking blame. You can't blame them. Blame your dad. It’s your dads' faults. Because they're around... Your dads mess you up. Sometimes, being present doesn't help...

Yankel's dad should've been around. That kid needed somebody to help with the Layning.
Last week we learned that we do not have any Sotahs in the congregation... Dad is always traveling. That’s why there are the Sotah accusations. You can’t serve your family when traveling... Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here... We also did Nida checks...
You still have to honor your father. You do that by not running around. Going to Guatemala is not how you honor your dad... We all know Yankel’s dad messed up. If Yankel’s dad wasn’t always running around, his Layning would’ve been decent... At least he would’ve felt guilty enough to practice...
A male Sotah. Traveling for business?!...
Stealing is still wrong Mrs. Bergenfeld. Even if it’s off somebody’s Kiddish plate, it’s still Geneyva... It doesn't make you a Sotah. Even so, you are not to be trusted...

It’s about Kedusha. We have a shul in place here. It’s in one place. We should be serving Gd... The whole idea of the traveling shul, what you guys call engagement, is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. "Let's have a shul in different houses every week, so that people who don't go to shul will come to shul..." Well. They're still not going to shul. They're popping over to Ruchie's house... 

The cloud was lifted a long time ago. But you are still here in the shul. So. I have to deal with you...
Prepare and serve. This Tabernacle was already built. We can serve here. In the shul. Now... Don't need to have Shabbat Minyin on the golf course. As engagement... 
It has all been prepared. Donations have been given to the shul. It has been built. We are here... So. What you have decided are donations, are worthless... Getting rid of donations brings in new donations?! I don't understand. It's as if you want to move out all the dead people and bring in new ones... Well, whose name is on the Torah cover?...
How are new Torah covers and Parochets, curtains, part of renovations now?... But people donated those. It was prepared. It is now up to us to serve Gd with them... That is an actual message, Bernie. Dealing with what we learned in the Parsha... I know that was meaningful...

Shul is about tradition. You don’t just get rid of stuff because the donation is over. Donations are how we prepare. We prepared... They didn't renovate the Tabernacle. It was built, and that was how it stayed until they had to move. You prepare and you serve while there... I have suggested moving the shul to Israel. Or at least paying me to live there...
You have tagged the Torah cover. I would be perfectly fine if the Cornblooms took the board out for it. This is donation Gangland you’re creating... Well, the Cornblooms' grandfather also died. And he died before yours.
Tradition has everything to do with donations from the past... Now you’re giving away Max’s seat??? It was a lifetime seat... He’s still here. He paid for it. But now he has to pay again, as part of renovations... So you have renovated his donation to the trash.
So, we’re taking down the Markowitz Parochet and putting up a new Markowitz Parochet... Again. Moving things. That is when you're not serving Gd. Even if there is money involved... Shul is not just about money. It's about commemorating the dead for money...

(Bamidbar 9:23) “At the word of Gd they encamped and at the word of Gd they traveled.” There are times to travel. But that is according to when Gd tells you to. Not when you feel a draft... I understand you like to go down to Florida. But a wind comes through our town and that next day you're on a plane to Boca... It's June. It was a breeze. Topeka has fresh air. It doesn't kill you. Even if you feel it... You can call it a draft and it still won't kill you.
We didn’t leave until Gd said, “Now it’s time.” He did that by bringing up the cloud a bit. Gd did not say to change the Parochet. He didn't say that donations of the past mean nothing. He also didn't tell Tzachi to ruin his marriage. He didn't say, "There's a breeze in the desert. Now it's time to take the Tabernacle to Fort Lauderdale." He didn't say, "Go to Florida and leave your family." If H' lifted the Torah covers, I would understand that we need to renovate and change.
Then we pulled out silver trumpets... We celebrated it, because Gd told us to. It had reason. Nobody is celebrating the renovations in this shul and forgetting their grandparents... Your band is not heavenly. There is not trumpet. Gd doesn't appreciate kazoos... 
And they finally settled in Israel... Every time there is a storm, we don't say, "Now it's time to move." We didn't move the Temple from Jerusalem to Bat Yam, because there is less of a breeze there.

You do things in their time, with preparation. But you have to be there to do them. You have to be present for Gd to tell you. This is why we have Pesach Sheini... Because you guys mess up everything, and you're not around. And that is why your son can't Layn. A Busha...

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message to the dads for Father's Day. Our rabbi always knows how to bring meaning to our celebrations. 

Shavuot was pathetic. No floral arrangements. Ended up having to have kids cut flowers. Turned into a paperchain. I thought they were celebrating Sukkot in the sanctuary.
Turns out anything our kids do turns into a paperchain or paper mache.
Last resorts always end up with the kids. It goes from committee to “let the kids do it.” That shifts all blame to the little ones. According to the parents, the children of our shul can’t do anything wrong. The rabbi disagrees. And the rabbi made a point of saying he doesn't consider paperchains art, or flowers. He sparked a whole debate in the shul. Fights were had and the result is the Shavuot committee has decided that whatever kids say they did is true. So, paperchains are not considered flowers in our shul.

Our congregants are messed up. And I would say it’s the parents’ fault. We have to blame somebody, and the rabbi is not willing to blame himself.
"Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here." I am not sure what the rabbi was trying to say. I think the rabbi was promoting divorce. At least getting rid of the husbands.
​The rabbi truly ripped into Yankel's family. His Layning was off. Truly off. To quote the rabbi, "Off. Like his dad."

Our congregants are always getting away. Their goal is to not be in Topeka. They live here to not be here. That's their reason for living. They run. They pack for their trips. They never mow their lawn for their trips.
It turns out our shul can't accomplish a Minyin when people are not around.

The rabbi actually checked if there were Sotahs. The rabbi generally helps with Nida checks, though he’s colorblind. This time he did the regular checks and made every Nida drink seltzer.

Mrs. Bergenfeld swipes everything. She’s eighty-eight, yet a very aggressive Kiddish eater.

The rabbi is so against this whole new idea of what the board calls "engagement." The idea is you reach out to people where they are at. So, you go to the bar, the sports club, and you don't go to shul. The engagement committee said we have to go to the bar more often and have services there, while getting a bit drunk to connect better. That idea was brought up by the Kiddish club. It is the one program in our shul that is well attended. The only Minyin that people show up early to.
Everything has a committee now. The engagement committee, the Shavuot committee, the Layning committee which kicked Yankel out of the shul. We have at least fifteen committees. I think the same people are on each one, as each committee ends up doing the same thing. They talk for a few minutes about their kids and they do nothing.

The rabbi is so correct. I am not donating anything. I'm not even donating Kiddish. Watch this. I will donate Kiddish on Shabbat, and then somebody else will donate it too, and my name will be off it.
I heard that the office takes double Kiddish donations, sometimes triple, and they charge everybody fully. It's a scam. 
I think I saw the secretary once take down a plaque in front of the library and put up a different one for dead person photo op. I think the families are giving the money. The dead person's name gets put up, but the family flips the bill. So, they take the picture of the dead person's name and send it to the family. Conclusion, when you give a donation, it's for the picture of the plaque.
The shul has pulled over 100k on the Markowitz Parochet. Taken it down and put it back up around eight times. Each time, the Markowitz family gives more for the curtain, to keep that name on it. It's donation extortion. 

The board is now arguing that tradition in a shul is not important. They had a meeting and decided that tradition counts if it raises money.

The board has decided that everything is part of renovations. They even got a new strainer. The Maurice Landsfeld Strainer.
They started the renovations two months ago. They have now renovated a Torah cover. Renovated the Simchovitz family off it.

The renovation committee is doing what they can to get rid of drafts in our town as well. They want the shul to be more accessible for older people and people with disabilities, such as age. The idea with the renovations is to make shul wheelchair friendly and free of drafts. 
One member mentioned beer at Kiddish and some of the older people freaked out when they heard they might bring draft. I thought that was funny. I came up with that joke. You get it? Draft beer. 

The Mrs. Bergenfeld class title was the longest class title we ever had. I think it was a statement of anger. In the class, the rabbi addressed the contemporary Halacha of stealing his choolante meat. 

I still felt like I hadn't fulfilled the Mitzvah of Father's Day. With everything from last year, my father still didn’t buy me a flight to fulfill the Mitzvah correctly. If my dad doesn't give me money, how can I do the Mitzvah for him?
So, I needed to find a father in Israel to fulfill the Mitzvah. 

I Need To Fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day
A kind religious Jew noticed me sulking at a bus stop outside the Old City of Jerusalem. "Why would a man be sulking?" he asked. I told him I need a dad. He said, "You're thirty years old. It's time for you to grow up." It was hard hearing that from a six-year-old.
I explained. "I needed a Tateh to fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day." The kid said he never learned about the Mitzvah of Father's Day. Which was bothersome. You would think nursery school is the one place they would teach about that.
Another man at the bus stop overheard my whining and told me that in Israel they celebrate Father's Day every day. I let him know I don't have enough money for that many gifts. I also expressed how not happy my father would be if he had to pay for that many gifts for me to buy him.
One man began shouting in prayer form "Avinu SheBashamim" (Gd in Heaven). I found out he had a falling out with his father, and he now only sees H' as his father. Another guy said that Rav Ovodia Yosef is our father in heaven. It turns out he saw the Shas slogan before the last election. I was very confused. And I wasn't going to buy gifts for Rav Ovadia Yosef who had already passed away. As for H', I will bring Him gifts when He rebuilds the Temple.

I Finally Found a Dad
Sitting at the bus stop, I saw a man smack a child on his Tush for not running into the street. I said, "That's a Dad. I finally found one."
The child yelled at his dad. It turns out this family also doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I told the dad about the idea of Father's Day and Mother's Day, and how Americans make sure to make it easier on those parents on those days. And he said to his child, "If this is tradition, today, you watch over yourself." And the dad went to play billiards.
I followed this dad to the pool hall, as his child was stranded at the bus stop in commemoration of Father's Day. I told him he was a great dad. He said, "I don't know you." I told him I was his today. As he left the pool hall and passed by his kid, he made his way to his house. I followed him and he kept asking me to reiterate this concept of not having to watch over your children on this day.
I had just learnt that all Jews are responsible for each other and thus I told him he is responsible to be my dad. He told me, "You're not getting any money." He then kicked me out of his house. To quote: "I never met you. Get out of my house before I shoot you... You're not getting an inheritance from me!"
I left that house and prayed that guy's kid was OK. It's amazing how Mitzvahs can backfire on a stranded eight-year-old.
 
Follow Up Notes
They don't celebrate Father's Day in Israel. The Mitzvah seems to be you're supposed to honor your father every day. That's painful. I told my rabbi I was thinking about going back to America where you don't have to honor your father as much. My rabbi told me the Mitzvah is every day in America too.
My rabbi also said that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah, and somebody should bring that child back to his house. My rabbi ended up reporting that Israeli father for neglect of a third grader.

I found a dad. It was somebody else's. It turns out that his child has to do his own Kibud Av vEim. I can't do it for him. Otherwise, I will get locked up.
 
I still felt it important to follow up with the Israeli father to fulfill extra Kibud Av vEim, and to make sure his child was OK. I sent a card to the Israeli father. He didn't appreciate it as he didn't understand my Hebrew transliterated into English. The card read, "Mah Shlomcha... Ani Choshev Alecha..." I believe it's good he didn't understand the card. It's a good thing he didn't understand, "How are you?... I am thinking about you..." I learned that hose are the last words written on a letter from a serial killer. They might have reported me for stalking. 
I showed up at their house and we had a BBQ and his kids thought it was Independence Day.
I was thinking about buying a Father's Day gift for the Israeli dad, but that didn't happen. I didn't buy the Israeli father a shirt at Fox. Nobody needs to see another Israeli dad walking around in a tight shirt. Walking down the beach in Tel Aviv is already painful enough.

My rebbe later taught me that there is no substitute for your father. I started calling my rabbi, my rebbe. This way I could blame him if I did anything wrong.
"Honor the elderly." That's a precept I learned a few days later. One that you must practice with people that aren't your dad. Hence, I stopped treating other people as my dad. Instead I started treating them as elderly and treated them with the respect one must show our seniors, as the Mitzvah teaches. It turns out that not all fathers in their forties like when you take them by the arm to help them cross the street.
 
From now on, I'm going to call my dad and say "I love you," no matter how awkward it makes our relationship. That will be my Father's Day gift. It's cheaper for my father and less of a hassle than picking out an Israeli dad. It's also easier than traveling back to America for a visit. I don't want them to have to renovate the kitchen every Father's Day, so I can eat in it. I don't know if me starting to keep Kosher is a good Father's Day gift.
After calling my father every day for a week, he told me it's not a Mitzvah to call every day. To quote, "Part of honoring me is not having to hear from you."

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. 
The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give.

It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha.
And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom...
(Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.”
Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs.
Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner.

"Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is.
I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?...

The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva.

And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation.
No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation...
Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics...
This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay.
Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum.

Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation.
It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors.

There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat.

You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly.
Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!...
This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk...
It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper.
Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur...

You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah.
I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation.

We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy...
The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men.

Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... 
You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... 
Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault...
We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you...
We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks...
We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want...

We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!!
Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous...

Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's...
In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners...

Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that.
To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense."

Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi.
The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff...
I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers.

The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people.

The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing.

The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima.

Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul.
People come to shul to talk. For good conversation.

At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. 
The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. 
The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money.

The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that."
Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else.

The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd."

Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish.
Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit.
The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul.

The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity.

A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy.

We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world.
 
Singing Continues After Your Pray 
I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. 
They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets.
Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes.

Holding Hands In the Moment
When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced.
Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people.
The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me.
I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. 

And Now "Acheinu"
All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze.
Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened.
The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that.
"Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat.
I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight.

The Sun Is Rising
The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration.
It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired.

Final Conclusion
I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us.

The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students."
And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot.
And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form.

I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either.

"Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day.
I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times.

I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans.
And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night.

I can't go this Shavuot without helping you figure out more ways to stay up all night by not learning Torah.
We've discussed many ways to stay up over the years. Eating blintzes, a lot of blintzes to take up more time, drinking coffee, drinking coke, the talking to people method, meeting a potential spouse method of staying up Shavuot, even if it creeps out the ladies at the Shiur, extending dinner to stay away from the Tikun Leil Shavuot lectures. You also have the discussion technique of finding out about what people's college graduates are planning on doing after they've been crashing at their parent's home for the past three years- a great way to disturb somebody, helping them lose sleep. Last Shavuot I noticed more creative ways to stay up, and I shall share them with you, to help.
Definitely. Do not learn Torah. The idea is to remain awake for the receiving of the Torah without learning it.

The Snacks Method
"Snacks" is how secular Jews say Kiddish.
You had the meal. Meals stop. Snacks don't. The meal is over, what do you do? You can’t eat dessert all night. You snack.
The Snack Method consists of you eating more. You ate before you came back to shul to talk while others are learning. Now, you eat more. Good Jews eat more. If you don't know how to eat more, you're not a good Jew and you probably don't even keep the holiday of Shavuot. And you don't deserve to receive the Torah, which commands you to eat more than you can. You probably don't even know what “keep” means. Keep is how Frum Jews practice Mitzvot. They keep them. Religious Jews keep Mitzvot very close to themselves, which is why they hold by them.
While you are eating, you socialize. Don't stop eating. If you stop, somebody might suggest you go to another class. It's healthier to eat than to listen to a lecture at 2am.
The difference between the Snacks Method and the Gorging Method is that you can talk while eating snacks. When gorging, your mouth must be full at all times, thus not leaving space for correct pronunciation.
 
Sing a Niggun
Singing can take up a bunch of time. Nigguns can take up even more time. The Niggun has no words, nor does one know where the chorus and verses are. Hence, the Niggun only ends when it stops. And you do not stop, or the lecture will start. And lectures induce sleep.
The idea is an activity. A Shavuot dance party is a great way to spend the night. The Manhattan JCC has capitalized on Shavuot activities that have nothing to do with Torah, which is the perfect way to stay up throughout the night for the Torah. A dance party with a DJ and a decent action movie, maybe some Karaoke and a cash bar. Great ways to spend the Shavuot holiday, getting through the night, without having to think about Torah. You may even want to head to a bar or a casino and sing a Niggun there. Staying away from Jews and playing slot machines may help you stay up. I don't believe the Manhattan JCC has thought about Shavuot slot machines yet. Pictures of blintzes and cheesecake with Torahs would be perfect reels, along with Lucky Number 18. Again, we're just trying to help you stay awake. The idea is to stay up.

Politics
Get involved in a political debate with any member of my shul. That will last a good three hours, before you have a chance to share your opinion.

Play Boardgames
We've discussed Jewish boardgames. Yet, regular boardgames that don't have to do with Mitzvot may be an easier way to stay up. They're social, will helpfully disturb any lecture, and they are all Jewish. Boardgames is how you have fun when you have no access to the internet, making them Shabbisdik and Jewish.
Sit in a class and open up a Chess board. The sound of smacking down a Chess piece will definitely shift the focus of the Shiur. If you have Monopoly that is also fun. The dice make some good noise. Dice rolling, along with a loud "I will take Boardwalk - thank you," will help shift the rooms focus to the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, which was given to the Jews at Sinai.
Games nights are a regular Friday night event in Jewish communities around the globe. Games nights used to be for fans of comics and Dungeons and Dragons, until they learned about technology and the joys of being able to play games without interacting with people. Now game nights are only for Frum people, who are not allowed to enjoy Shabbat without people.
You can play Monopoly. I don't suggest Settlers of Catan, known by many Jew haters as Occupiers of Catan.

Eating More
Remember to eat. And to not stop eating. Otherwise, you will have to learn.
The popping over to other people's homes method is a great way to lengthen eating duration and save money. You eat their food. Cheesecake can get kind of expensive.
Eating as many meals as possible also helps. This is why the first eat a dairy meal and then eat a meat meal tradition started. You finish the meat meal at 2am and you don't have to learn very much.

Do Not Learn
Anything you are doing that is not learning or listening to lectures will help.
You can also set an alarm and let it run. It's very hard to sleep with one of those things beeping all night. Let the alarm go off in the Beit Midrash. Bothering people who are trying to learn also a great way to stay up. Bothering people is a fun activity, and will help you stay awake, even if you forgot the alarm.
The exercise technique should not be overlooked. Bring a squat-rack into the Beit Midrash. Lifting weights in bro form, with other dudes cheering you on, will keep you awake and definitely bother the others who are trying to figure out why Rava is wrong again. This can also help others by keeping them in shape between Chavrusas. I am just trying to help here.
Don't forget the Niggun method. With the way people at my shul harmonize, nobody will be able to learn with that disturbance. Again, the idea is to disrupt people to help them stay up.
Even better. Get somebody from the Manhattan JCC to set up a DJ booth in the Beit Midrash.

Again. Do not learn.
If you do end up being forced to learn, ask questions. If you're learning the Gemara about the people fighting over a Tallis, ask questions about Tzitzis. You can get through a whole night asking, "Does people fighting over a Tallis apply to Tzitzis? Let's say they were each grabbing the Tzitzis? Would the Tzitzis not rip? Is it Rava or Rabba? That always confuses me, which one is which." You will be learning and bothering the person you're learning with at the same time. This all helps with staying awake. Once you move further into the Gemara and start learning Tosfot, you're spacing out and falling asleep.
Again. The eating method is the best way to stay up. Eat and drink coffee and put on a few pounds. Putting on weight, the Gorging Method, is the most accepted technique for not falling asleep. The Cheesecake Method is the most trusted of the Gorging Methods, as it offers you extra time in the bathroom. And one may not learn in the bathroom. Thus, nobody will bother you there.
And do not forget the Walking to the Kotel for Vatikin Davening Method. If you are living outside of Jerusalem that walk will definitely eat up some time. Just remember to set up the correct food parcels for the trip, thus helping you put on weight while walking to the Kotel. Therefore, practicing the Jewish holiday rituals of staying up all night and putting on weight.
Again. Do not learn.

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.”
 
Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar.

Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something.
 
The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft.
“...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish.
When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum...
Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown...
It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard...

It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here...
(Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase...
The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies...
Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd.
Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd...

We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job.
Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. 
Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar...
The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd."

And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work.
This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns.
We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday...
The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas.
If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements...
Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night...
A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!!

We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah.
Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot.
You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf...
You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'...
In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first.
We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year...

You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something.
There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident.
Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar...
Maybe announce events on time...
I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come...

You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance.
If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid...
Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council...
You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist.

It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase.

Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands.
The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist.
The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa.

The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly.
That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building.

The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party.

How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late.
Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that.
I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed.
Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened.

For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money.

The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for."

The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage.

Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. 
Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul.
The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning.
I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it.

The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it.
The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation.
The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser.

Let us continue the Yom Yerushalayim dancing we were talking about yesterday. It's just a meaningful story. No Torah. But there is dancing, and the Kotel. So, it's meaningful.

Kol HaOlam Koolo or Davening During These Times
The Kol HaOlam Koolo (Whole World) Circle began and I was in it. Once you're in the circle of unity, you feel the unity and you're not leaving it. Unity takes up a lot of room in a very small space. It's very hard to maneuver around unity. Not being able to move is very unifying. "The whole world is a narrow bridge" and I was on that bridge with my people. You sing those words, especially during these times and you feel the unity. The unity of our people, packed together, making it very hard to get to The Wall.

During These Times
"During these times" is what you say when you're talking about bad stuff. I learned that from my Israeli rabbis. It's always "During these times." It's never "In these times." In these times things are not that bad. It's during these times that something is very wrong. Nothing good has ever happened during these times. "In these times" all is fine and dandy. "During those times" is not bad. During those times, they had flower petals on beds and unicorns. Things are always bad during these times. It's been "during these times" in Israel for a very long time.
When you sing about a narrow bridge, it somehow all makes sense. These times makes a lot of sense. And there I was, touching and swaying many narrow bridges. It was hours of narrow bridges. Greater than any Tefillah. It was Achdut, unity and a narrow bridge. Too narrow to make it to the Kotel. Perfect for crowd surfing. Which would've helped me get to the Kotel sooner.
I needed to be part of my people during these times. That was my only choice. I had to dance with my people. I was stuck.
Why would anybody want to leave a narrow bridge during these times?! It was during these times that I am talking. I've never heard a good Frum Jew talking about in these times. Such a merit. A Zechus. I have to tell my rebbe. I was at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim during these times.

Still In the Circle
We stayed in a circle. There was nowhere to go. We were at the Kotel already. The Kotel Plaza. Then, all the sudden, the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle turned into a Hora. Movement was faster and I side-danced with the circle till I could break to the Kotel side. I had to time the angle on the Kotel side of the circle. There was some Hora back-stepping, which impeded my sideways progress. Nonetheless, I finally got to The Wall side.
It was on this Yom Yerushalayim that I felt the beginning of redemption, the hand holding, the circle. That is how we dance: circle, sometimes get the middle cypher going, one hand hold kick and switch the kick. The idea is to touch the guy next to you.

I Finally Made it to the Kotel
I finally made it to the Kotel, side-stepping with the Hora. I'd practiced this move on Friday nights, trying to make it to The Wall during a Carlebach Minyin. You dance with them and at the 180 degree point, you separate from the circle and join the next circle. A circlized mixer dance. Some men have a very tight grip, developed from years of Tish dancing. Yet, I made it to The Wall after pinching one of the guys hands to get out of his vise grip.
I was worried I would never make it. Yet, once they moved into Hora and Shwekey songs, it started to move. Hora circles move. Sometimes they move backwards, but they still move.
The singing did disturb my Davening (prayers) and I did tell them to stop singing for a few minutes, so I could focus on my Amidah silent prayer. It turned out that my voice was not heard by the nation at the Kotel. So, I Davened. I was not willing to part with tradition. Then I remembered, I like dancing during Davening. Which is hard to do during the Amidah, where I have to keep my feet in place. So, I started swaying. Known as Shuckling, one could not tell if I was dancing or Davening to "Hava Nagilah."

I Finished Davening and My People Kept Going
I thought I was done after Davening. I had finished the journey. I did what my rebbe wanted. I danced to the Kotel with my people and prayed. It was meaningful. I had united. What now?!
After I Davened, or danced- I don't remember which one- I meant to pray to Gd- there was definitely dancing, I heard them back on the "Kol HaOlam Koolo." The Hora can only last so long. After 3:30am it's hard to keep the Hora energy up. Even the young people decided to join the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.
I was trying to figure out how to get past the circle before 6am. I had work that morning, and I did not have a car, or the ability to beep at people who were celebrating.
As I was leaving the packed Kotel wall, I walked backwards in deference to the holiness of the place and to make it easier to look like I didn't mean to knock over the people I was walking into. You actually move faster that way. When you walk backwards and you injure people at the Kotel, you get out of there faster, and they forgive the action as religious duty.
I got past a few people, walking over them. I was ready to continue Yom Yerushalayim with sleep.
 
Singing Kept Me
I couldn't continue walking backwards from the Kotel. The unity drew me in. This time my heart was open. Without a need to go to The Wall, I found myself holding hands with my nation. Finally, back in the Old City of Jerusalem, celebrating Yom Yerushalayim, all different types of Jews defined by their Kippas. Kippot Srugot (knitted yarmulkes) Jews, satin and velvet Yarmulke Jews, known as Charedim, soldiers, Sherut Leumi, kids, adults. All heretics. None of them looked like me. If they learned from my rabbi, they might not have been heretics. Nonetheless, they were all my people and not one of the heretics was rebuking another. One people with this new heretical form of Davening, singing "Kol HaOLam Koolo" and dancing real slow, with smiles, taking over the Kotel.
During these times, nobody attacked my people, asides from myself trying to get out of the Kotel.

Conclusion
It's all more meaningful during these times. Being with my people, unifying in song during these times.
Unity doesn't move.
Unity keeps our people together.
Unity had me Davening with a bunch of heretics.
Unity keeps us rooted in the past.
Unity keeps us from running.
Unity keeps us from getting home and stops buses from getting out of the Old City.
Unity keeps people from waking up for work.
Unity ruins my Kavanah.
Unity makes Davening meaningful.
Unity is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

It is being together in Yerushalayim. That's what the holiday is about. It's not about getting anywhere. It's about being there. At least that makes me feel better about not moving very far and skipping work the next day.
Note: “Singing ‘Kol HaOlam Koolo’ and dancing real slow” has a nice ring to it.

I went to the Kotel for Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day. I hope I didn't do anything Asur. I hope celebrating Jerusalem as a Jew isn't forbidden according to Halacha. I don't know. Some of my rabbis seem to not be big fans of  the whole Six Day War and reclaiming Jerusalem. I just want to do the right thing. If it was celebrating Brooklyn, a Brooklyn Day, I would feel connected to my people. The Halacha would be clear. A decent deli and a corned beef on rye is something we have celebrated as a Jewish people. I'm still getting used to Yerushalayim and shawarma. Anyways, I celebrated Yom Yerushalayim with a Reuben sandwich.
Shavuot is a pilgrimage festival and it's coming up, and that's another question I'm discussing with my rabbi. I'm now in Yerushalayim and it's going to be hard for me to make it to Brooklyn for the Chag.

Background to My First Kotel Dance
It used to be the Koysel. Now I'm calling it the Kotel. What's happened to me. I'm not even Frum anymore. I might as well accept it. Shavuot. Now I'm going to the Kotel for Shavuot. Not even Shavuis.
I remember my first Friday night dance at the Kotel. It was the Kabbalat Shabbat service and the Yeshiva Bachurs got sick of Davening. So they started singing. Then they started singing stuff that wasn't even words. A Nay Nay Nay thing. Then they put down their Siddurs, started dancing. I didn't want to join them in their protest, as I was fine praying. But they pulled me in. And then I heard they were dancing in service of Gd. So, I joined them. It's definitely easier to focus on Tefillah without the prayers.
It was a very aggressive form of Kiruv. When I became religious, many people were trying to help bring me closer to Gd. Nobody ever pulled me physically or yanked me to be a better a Jew. The Jewish dance circle was a very violent form of Kiruv. I'd heard about what they call NCSY youth advisors who have injured many high school kids' arms by pulling them into what they called "Pre-Shabbat Ruach Circles," but I never had a shoulder pulled out of my socket for the sake of Gd before.
At first I didn't like this dancing in lieu of Davening. But then I got used to not praying and I started going to the Kotel to dance on Friday nights. I have now danced at the Kotel many of times since I became religious, to get out of having to Daven.
But Yom Yerushalayim is the holiday of Jerusalem, and we were celebrating Jerusalem. I did not know what to be prepared for. I had no idea what to expect. I came with extra shoulder protection, a sling, and knee guards just in case.

My Rabbi Said to Go "It's Yom Yerushalayim"
I was trying to make my way to the Kotel, the iconic spot of the Six Day War. My rabbi told me go. It turns out my rabbi is a Zionist. If I would've known that in advance, I would've learned somewhere else and found another rabbi. I would've probably went to learn in Poland. Now, I'm a Charedi who's saying Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim with a Bracha. The only Charedi who celebrates Shavuot. I should've known. My rabbi was wearing Techeilet. Only Zionist rabbis have the blue fringes on their Tzitzit. True ultra-Orthodox Jews do not follow those Mitzvahs. What kind of rabbi tells his student to go to the Kotel?!
Maybe I'm not Charedi now. I don't know. It changes depending on who's pulling me into what circle. But my rabbi told me, "It's Yom Yerushalayim. You join your people and follow the tradition. Listen to the rabbis' speeches at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav for three hours. After not understanding a thing they say, you march to the Kotel. Go with your people and Daven Maariv."

Making My Way to The Kotel
I started walking to the Kotel from Merkaz HaRav at the entrance to the city. I couldn't make it anywhere. I was surrounded by random people dancing. I realized that if we're dancing already two miles from the entrance to the Old City, which is another kilometer away from the Kotel, it's going to be a long night. I was bothered, "Why is everybody dancing?! There is no reason to dance. Nobody is Davening!" To which I was told that people dance outside of the Kotel too. To which I said, "That's Asur."
We weren't moving. I shouted, "We're nowhere near the Kotel. We're only at the central bus station. If you don't stop dancing, we'll never make it to the Kotel." It was at this moment that some of the people said, "Shoot. We'll never make it to the Kotel at this pace. I don't think we've moved. The circle just goes around. I think I'm back where I was ten minutes ago." And the circle opened up, and with arms around each other we all continued dancing in the direction of the Old City. And we started moving very slowly. They were jumping side to side. They were still dancing. I tried telling them that a march, like my rabbi suggested, would get us their quicker. Though a brisk walk would work better. I'm going to bring that up at our next Shiur.
You don't move very fast no matter how you dance. You won't make it anywhere quickly dancing. It will slow down any activity. Grocery shopping, a visit to the doctor's office, Davening.
It wasn't a hop skip and jump movement. They were doing this side to side jump dance, which I've noticed they do at sporting events and protests. It was the same dance. It moves quite slowly, as the direction is not forward. If turning toward the Kotel, it might have been faster. For a moment I thought they were protesting, until I heard a cheer of "Yerushalayim Shelanu. Oley Oley Oley Oley. Yerushalayim!!!" At which point, I realized they were going to a soccer game. They were Beitar Jerusalem fans and they never made it to the Kotel.

Other People Are Dancing Too
I left that group of dancers and joined another group of dancers who were singing "Yerushalayim Shel Zahav," "Jerusalem of Gold." And we danced down Jaffa Street to the beat of the song, even slower, as another circle was formed. It took a while to break that circle. "Jerusalem of Gold" is quite meaningful in circle form. You do not move fast in circles. That's something that I learned Yom Yerushalayim night. Confirmed. It was a half hour later that we morphed into a semicircle. Opening up the blockade part of the circle allowed for some movement towards the Kotel.
I was connected with all my Holy Brethren and Sistren as we moved towards the Old City. Jerusalem. Unified. Dancing through the streets of Yerushalayim in semicircle form. Holding up traffic. Getting beeped. Getting people mad. It turns out that people trying to get home from work don't celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. They don't like circles, and it turns out they also don't like semicircles.

The Kotel Plaza - A Circle of Love
I made it through Jaffa Gate, Shaar Yafo, with a bit of pushing and running over the people that were in front of me in the semicircle. I finally got to the Kotel Plaza and people were again in circle form. It was six and a half hours since Yom Yerushalayim began. Six and a half hours of circles. The half, representing the half a day it took to clean up after the war. It turns out that groups like to form circles at the Kotel Plaza too.
Undeterred I promised myself I would make it to the wall. It may take some extra time and sidestepping along with the circle, but I promised myself I would get to the Kotel.
As I sidestepped, on my way to the Kotel, I realized I was part of another circle. I couldn't not be. I could not make my way around without being part of it. They sing and dance on Friday nights, but there are pockets of openness on Shabbat, fulfilling the words, "In the times of the Temple, nobody complained about space in Jerusalem" (misquoted from Pirkei Avot, but still a quote). But the Temple has been destroyed, and there was no room at the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, and I am complaining. Here, tonight, on Yom Yerushalayim, there was nowhere to go.
I joined the circle. I had to. And before I could yell or ask my people to crowd surf me to The Wall, I found myself singing. Singing the meaningful words I had sung so many times before. The words that touched my heart for so many years as a Baal Teshuva. "Kol HaOlam Koolo." No idea what it means. So I sung.
In unison, as our circles became one, our huge circle was singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo Gesher Tzat Meod." It turns out the words mean, "The whole world is a narrow bridge." So beautiful. So fitting, as I was stuck in a circle with no way out. Not even a narrow opening.

I've got to get some sleep. I finally got home. I haven't slept since Yom Yerushalayim started. I think they're still dancing.
I haven't even got to the Kotel yet. I still haven't Davened. I did. But I have to get sleep. I'll tell you more about me dancing with guys and the narrow bridges tomorrow.

Lessons of What Has Followed
"Kol HaOLam Koolo Gesher Tzar Meod." I think you understand those words now.
From "Jerusalem of Gold" to the "Whole World is a Very Narrow Bridge," that is the progression of our people. Think about that statement, meditate on it. I'm sure something meaningful pop up.

I've now adopted this new form of Davening, where I dance and serve Gd by not looking in the Siddur. I am now in much better shape. This new form of Davening has helped my cardiovascular health.
It turns out that Davening takes an extra half hour to four hours with dancing.

Announcements
We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song.
We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.”
 
We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. 
 
The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position.
 
After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.”
 
Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you...

(Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask...
Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination...
What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made...
The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme...
And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!!

(Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...”
Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery.

Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape.
Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening...
Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you...
You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants...
It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough...

We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed...
We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18...
Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent...

It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah...

Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners.
I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece.
Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food.
And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate...

The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet.
Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet.

(Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel...
Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination...

Rivka's Rundown
And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'"
"Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav.

He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs.
The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job.

The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart.

The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants.
To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees."

Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka.
The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous.

They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail."
And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now.

The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault."

They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition.
You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd.

Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money."
They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating.
They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme.

The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses.

The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim.

I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas.
Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there.
Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps.

Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY
The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation.

President: We need more money.

Secretary: How do we get it?

President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die.

Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board.

President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death.

Secretary: We can focus on dues.

President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus.

Secretary: But Simchas are nice.

President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks.

Secretary: But they rent the hall?

President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it.

Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate.

President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies.

Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish.

Secretary: Why?

President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money.

Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life.

President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque."

Rabbi: What about Kaddish?

President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that.

DISSOLVE TO

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes.

President: Dedication plaques We need more.
Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted.
Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead.

Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah.

Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats.

President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques.

Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything.

President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death.

Secretary: What about asking for donations?

President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand.

Secretary: Is it always eighteen?

Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens.

President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand.
They continue walking.
The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door.

Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"?

President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed.
The president looks at the rabbi.
Speech donations.

Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it.

President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died.

They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening.

President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque.

Secretary: It's just a fridge.

Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel.

President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf.

Secretary: What about the vegetable bins?

Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians.

President: Get them to plaque it.
Looking at the secretary.
Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down.
Tablecloth. No plaque on it.

Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth.

President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it.

Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give.

Secretary: But they haven't died.

President: Not yet. Give them a plaque.

Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders.

Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best.

Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine.

President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke.

Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family.

President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine.
What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons.

THE END

Kibbitzer Conclusion
The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic.
They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer.
After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah."

The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere.
The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away."
All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand.
The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba.

The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences."
The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise.

The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it.

On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Liberals are left leaning. We lean to the left at the Seder. Leaning to the left. They both have that in common. If tradition would be to lean to the right on Pesach, he would've eaten a conservative portion of Matzah. A whole different pun. But the same amount of Matzah. Which brings us to unity. Left-wing and right-wing people eat the same amount of Matzah. It makes no difference who you voted for.

What’s a lion’s favorite part of the Seder? MaRoar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Maror is the bitter herbs we eat at the Seder. Roar with a Ma. Wanted to help you prepare for Pesach with a thought about lions to share at the Seder, when discussing the four sons and why we eat salt water. To bring some meaning to your holiday.

Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was hoarse. It had a sore throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish, but hoarseradish. If you didn’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true.
 
The bird egg landing on his head and he said it was a blessing. "The yolk of Heaven." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Religious people accept upon themself the yoke of Heaven. This was the yolk. Yolk of Heaven. The egg of heaven. Sometimes you have to try hard to get a pun. Never give up.
 
What do you call it when somebody gives bread to the shul? A doughnation. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People give donations. Here it's a doughnation, because there is dough. Sounds the same. It should be the person is giving uncooked bread to the shul. Could even be cake. A not fully baked cake. That would also be a doughnation. Money is sometimes called dough, so this pun has many meanings. Is it a doughnation of money? That's for you to decide.

They were doing illegal substances on Lag BOmer around what they called their bongfire. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bonfire. Bongfire. Smoking up. Stuff you shouldn’t be doing, even if it is Lag BOmer. Don’t do drugs. Sometimes, the message is more important than the pun.

Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read.

***If we've learned anything, when reading puns, you can't always focus on the spelling. Only when the pun makes sense without the use of the pun, then you have to focus on the spelling. This I knows.

Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months.
 
Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it.
 
We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year.
 
Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven...
You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow...
You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people.

(Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that.

What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens...
Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up...

Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people...
Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?!
You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford...

Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact...
A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul.

You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it.
Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong...
So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made...
You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day.
Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness.

Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent.
Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong.
I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?...

We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph.
The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better...
They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house...
We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do...
This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma...

You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave....
There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul.

Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???!

All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens...

I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom...
From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything.
But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple.

Rivka's Rundown
Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy.
The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy."
The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise.

The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows.
I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each.
Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore."

The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone.
They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.”
It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330.
Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across.

And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most.
Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k.
By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar.
Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar.

That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact.
The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi.

Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves.
The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye."

The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral.

Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper.
The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed.
And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up.

Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest."
Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up.
The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.

Mother's Day just passed, though I got many Shaylas on the day. Many good Frum Jews were wondering if they had to honor their mothers. I thus feel it's important to bring you the history and Halachik discussion of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, Mother’s Day is not a Biblical holiday. It is not mentioned in the Torah. With that in mind, bathing is permissible.

The first Mother's Day celebration was held in 1908. Anna Jarvis thought to commemorate her social activist mother’s passing by forcing everybody else to honor their moms too. That’s what activists do. They have an idea and they make everyone else do it. She thought that showing respect for her deceased mother was the proper thing to do, so people pamper their living mothers. And thus, Mother's Day began, in a church.
Jews were relieved to hear this was a Christian thing. To quote Yankel Simcha Ben Baruch Avramel, "B"H. If my mother ever heard about this Mother's Day thing, she would make dad cook that night... H' Yishmor. His brisket. We shouldn't know of such things."

Not long after, in 1908, Jewish mothers heard about this. It doesn't take long for Jewish mothers to hear about stuff. They talk. The conversation was, "What? You don't have a day for us?!" And Mother's Day became a Jewish thing.

Ruchel's kids told her, "Mom. Every day is Mother's Day." Ruchel was not happy with that, and responded, "Is this Mother's Day you speak of a day where I have to make the beds and clean the dishes?!"
"But Mom. We do Kibud Av vEim, honoring our parents, every day." To which Ruchel let them know, "Then. You're doing a very bad job." And she went on to list how many times they haven't taken out the trash.
After chastising her children for not fulfilling their requirements, they decided that they would have Mother's Day. And so, every Sunday Ruchel Heimowitz and here family celebrated Mother's Day. And Ruchel finally had a day where she didn't have to think about her kids.
Originally, the goal of Mother's Day in the Jewish community was to give mothers a chance to forget they had children. Ruchel's friends all thanked her and said, "Mother's Day should be every day. Mrs. Finkelman will do the carpools." Mrs. Finkelman was not able to convince her family that this Mother's Day was a good idea.
Jewish kids started riding bikes on Sundays, and thus we have a whole generation of non-religious Jews.

In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made it a law. He proclaimed Mother's Day a national holiday. And this is why he is now known as Rabbi Wilson. He deciphered Halacha on behalf of America, and he put together brilliant Responsa.

The discussion of this new law made it to the Rabbis. They had already nixed Thanksgiving in preference of having turkey on Friday night.
Rabbis discussed President Wilson's proclamation. Pilpul began. "Should we?" "Should we not?" Those two questions went back and forth for two and a half hours, before somebody suggested that there should be an attempt at an answer.
Reb Nachum said, "We must honor mothers." To which all of the rabbis said they did. And it turned out, none of them called their mothers that day.
Reb Mendel asked, "But is it truly a holiday? Can we add holidays?" Reb Shmuly answered, "We added Chanukah." To which Reb Mendel explained, "We had nothing to do with that." Many of the rabbis were bothered by Reb Mendel's statement, as they took credit for starting Chanukah in 164 BCE. To quote Reb Shmuly, "I was there. Man."
Reb Nosson said, "But we have to get gifts on Chanukah." Reb Nachum replied, "Then we should buy our mothers gifts." And his Smicha was revoked by the husbands who were present, in fear they would have to buy their wives more jewelry.
After much back and forth amongst the rabbis, as to whether women were important or not, it was decided Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law. To which Reb Baruch said, "My wife's name is Dina." Which had nothing to do with anything.

The rabbis thought to call it Wife Appreciation Day. However, that would definitely require them to buy more jewelry. All rabbis were afraid to support the idea of showing appreciation to their wives, as there is no commandment for them to purchase necklaces, and they saw what happened to Rabbi Nachum. To quote Rabbi Nosson, "I get my wife clothes. That's my requirement. I don't appreciate her. I married her. I am living with her. Ganuck. That's enough." Due to the fact that husbands were making the decision, Wife Appreciation Day never took off. To this day it is still Mother's Day.

Ruchel Heimowitz was not happy with this new law of Mother's Day. Now, her every Sunday turned into once a year. And now, the rest of the year American children yell at their mothers in public, and hit them when they refuse to buy them LEGO.
Yet, on Mother's Day, it is tradition to honor your mother and to allow her time to relax and take a bath. And they can finally go out, one day a year, and talk with their friends not full of filth.

And now, on the second Sunday in May, every year, we celebrate women. And the rest of the year, B"H, we don't have to worry about Kibud Av vEim.
And that is how we have men cooking in homes. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.

Lessons of What Followed
Rabbi Nachum was happily married to his wife for seventy-three years. His wife had much jewelry and he was broke the whole time.
From 1914 on, being that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national obligation, Ruchel's kids started taking out the trash once a year.