You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew.

Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul.

Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses.

We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go...
H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... 
Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah.

So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself...
(Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes...

You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed.
(Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ 
The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game...
‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.'
Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball.
Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere...

Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp.
It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. 
And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!!
Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you...
No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible...
You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you.

Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing.
Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people.
Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too.

You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy.
First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you...

Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that...
Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!!
You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues.
We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job.

Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people...
A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf.

People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis.
The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again.

I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima.

The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text.

They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket.
There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’

The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet.

I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts.
The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start.
The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary.

The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too.

The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews joining together in song, while enjoying the food at the rebbe's gravesite, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people in Israel trying to make a living.

Last week we discussed from Moshe to Rambam. We discussed the fights between men and women. Over that time, Rabbi Akiva went away for twenty years to learn Torah, to only come back home and hear his wife. At which point he went away for another twenty years to learn. He heard that nag and ran. Didn't even say 'Hi.'
Since then, over the past thousand years, Halacha has developed with rabbis who have acronyms.
The first rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ran, Rosh, Tur. Nothing is more important than an acronym. Preferably it should start with an 'r.' Rabbeinu Yonah was an anomaly. How he made it without an acronym is studied by historians to this day. Yet, his first name 'Rabbeinu' begins with an 'r.' Most historians have not noted that.

These first rabbis with acronyms were known as commentators. That lasted for a few hundred years till people got sick of the commenting. A lot of commenting. You would be at a Shabbat dinner, they would bring out the Kugel, and a rabbi would say, 'I like that Kugel.' Another rabbi would say, 'It's dry.' Another rabbi would say, 'Why the noodles?' Then they would go into a whole discussion about what Kugel means. That lasted for years, until somebody said, 'Lokshen.' And the argument was over. No more commenting on Kugel, until people started throwing in garlic.

Then Rabbi Yosef Cairo, came along at around the year 1500 CE, and said, 'I will bring all the arguments together, like the Tur did, and come up with a final conclusion.' He came up with the final conclusion in the Shulchan Aruch, saying, 'I will stop all the arguments,' and people argued about that. They had acronyms too. The Taz was a cool rabbi, as he had the coolest acronym. The Rama, a contemporary of Rabbi Cairo and a bit younger, argued on behalf of Ashkenazi Jews. But Rabbi Cairo lived in Tzfat and had a cooler headdress, so they liked him more.
Trying to reconcile the arguments is the foundation of modern-day Halacha. And reconciliation leads to a lot of fights.

So, Ashkenazim started arguing with Ashkenazim.
Chasidim and Misnagdim started fighting. The fight started when one rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then another rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then a student said, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' And students went back and forth, saying, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' Some even said, 'My rebbe is better than yours.' That lasted almost as long as the fights with the wives. A good two hundred years of arguing and fighting. 
Then somebody noted, 'We're all Jewish. We've all let down our parents.' That's when Jews started singing and playing guitar. The Misnagdim noticed that Chasidim had some decent songs, so they called them Jewish again.
Arguments continued, but with less yelling. We had Chasidim and Misnagdim, and so came the Halacha known now as 'a rabbi will support you.' Which many people use to this day when making decisions as to whether or not they can eat Kitniot on Pesach (Kitniot are legumes- I hope that helps).
Now Chasidim argue with Chasidim and nobody trusts anybody else. Which is why we have what is known as Hashgacha (kosher supervision).

Another couple hundred or so years went by and rabbis started asking questions about this new thing called electricity. Being the traditional souls they were, they argued over electric current by candlelight. A lot of yelling took place with these arguments, due to somebody not filling up enough oil in the lamp.

One rabbi, known as the Chafetz Chayim, came along and talked a lot about not talking Lashon Hara about people. He killed every decent conversation. He was one of those 'let's not hate each other' rabbis, which killed his street cred at the time, so nobody called him rabbi. Just Chafetz Chayim.

Then came the worst thing known to Jewish leaders since exile, the crockpot. The anger was palpable. 'You're cooking on Shabbis.' 'But I'm not.' 'But you are.' 'What's considered cooking on Shabbis?' 'I don't know.' 'Then why are you yelling at me?' 'Because I'm religious.' 'Shabbis doesn't start for another half hour.'
Rabbi Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach ZT"L decided, 'We need a Sefer about Shabbis.' He called it Shmirat Shabbat KeHilchata.
Now people yell about people not following Shemirat Shabbat KeHilchata right.

Some rabbi at an NCSY youth convention decided to spread the idea that it's really important to not touch the opposite sex. This law, known as Shomer Negiah, kept the people single. Which led to Halachik discourse as to whether or not women need men.

More acronyms developed. Now, in order to be a rabbi you need the acronyms before your name. I'll put these in Hebrew. I figured that should be just as hard to understand as transliterated acronyms.
גאב"ד- גאון אב בית דין
ראב"ד- ראש אבות בית דין
אבדק"ק- אב בית דין דקהילה קדושה
אדמו"ר- אדונינו מורינו ורבינו
רשכבה"ג- רבן של כל בני הגולה
הרה"ד- הרב הגאון
כבו"ק- כבוד קדושת
הרה"ק- הרב הקדוש
הרה"צ- הרב הצדיק
הגה"צ- הגאון הצדיק
הרה"ח (הגה"צ)- הרב החסיד
And those are just a few of the acronyms that must come before a rabbi's name, if he's important. Sometimes, it takes twelve minutes to call up a rabbi in acronym form. If you have all of these before your name, you've made it, and you can now tell people they're wrong.
Sometimes the Israelis leave out the Kabook acronym, because people think they're going to bring out coated peanuts. Which makes them more excited than seeing the rabbi.
To be a greater rabbi, you need an acronym after your name too. Best known one is Shlita. שליט"א- שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. If your name is not followed by a Shlita, have you truly made it?
After the rabbi has gone to Olam Haba (the world to come), they must have a ZT"L. At least a ZT"L. This is if you want to decipher Halacha after you have passed away.
And now, we only listen to Halachik decisions of rabbis who've passed away with many acronyms.
Note: Please accept my apology for leaving out many acronyms. Since this article has been released, many Talmidim (students) have proven their rabbi greater with more acronyms that were not privy to us when putting out this article. 

If we learned anything, you don't listen to a rabbi who teaches you Halacha, if he has a name that people know him by other than rebbe and if he doesn't have acronyms.

Now, due to Halacha, Jewish men run out of their homes three times a day, to pray. And for Rosh Hashana, they've found a way to leave the country and go to Uman, just to get away from their wives. 'It's Halacha!'

Announcements
Banging the table is going to stop. We heard Val whack the wood and we all thought it was Rosh Chodesh. It was a fly, and he seemed very angry at it. We’ve spoke to him, and told him to calm down with his prayers. We’ve sent Shmuel to anger management.
 
We ask members bring better Yahrzeit cake. People are now questioning if they should come to Minyin. We ask you commemorate the passing of your family with a moist babka.
 
We ask that not all members jump in when there’s a complaint, though we understand you enjoy it. There is no greater joy than telling people they stink. We, the board, understand that. However, we are losing important people in the congregation because of this joy of telling people off in group form.
We lost another Layner. The Torah reader ran from shul when one guy corrected his ‘VaYomer,’ which was followed by the other members of the shul booing him and throwing candies at him.
 
There will be no more giving Bar Mitzvah guys their Parsha. It’s painful having to hear these guys go through puberty every year.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Get Out Your Anger on Rosh Chodesh By Hitting Things. How to Chase Potential Membership Away From the Shul. How to Never Advance After Your Bar Mitzvah: How to Layn One Parsha the Rest of Your Life Like Simcha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 9:6) ‘And you should know that not because of your righteousness H”, your Gd, gives you this good Land to possess it, for you're a stiff-necked people.’ Very stiff-necked. No agility in this congregation. Very poor movement... That’s where your anger comes from. I just heard a crick. Bernie’s neck again. A very stiff-necked congregation...
Of course it's Israel. Name another good land... Illionois has some good land. Nice grass. OK...
You've accomplished nothing. That's what Moshe is saying.
What have you done to deserve a decent babka? What? It’s for your ancestors... It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov that we get Israel and some good moist yeast cake.
It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!!!
You guys mess up. You remember the golden calf?!...

No. It’s not because of you. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. H liked them. Not you...
(Devarim 9:5) ‘In order to establish the word that H’ swore to your forefathers...’ Yes. That’s Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov... At least H' sticks to His word. The board hasn't given me a raise in years...

It's not because of you. A nothing. A not help. Nothing you do is useful. For you? Exile. That's what's from you.
You've done nothing. 

Stiff necks. I see a bunch of stiff necks here. Let's take a moment and stretch...

Moshe reminds them what H' did for them in the desert (Devarim 8:2-4). 'Your garments did not wear out upon you and your feet did not swell up these 40 years.' And our congregants with the disheveled look. Is the untuck the new look in the shul? Unlaundered sports jackets. Unshined shoes... I'm sure their shoes were nicer than Pinny's. Even in the desert they got a better shine with the sand... Yes. You bring a sports jacket to the cleaners once in a while. H' had a better laundering service in the desert.
H'. It's Him who redeems.

You think H’ wants to redeem a people that bangs tables??? You'd break everything Kibbutz Lavi makes.
What was with the bang? How much force do you need to kill a fly?...
You’ve got to calm down with the table banging. The table Klopping is scary. And there was no reason... It’s not even Rosh Chodesh. Even if it is Rosh Chodesh, you don’t have to scare people into prayer. How much do you hate flies that you have to come down that hard?... You missed the thing. 
Even on Rosh Chodesh you scare people. How hard do you have to hit a table to remind people to say YaAleh vYavo?! From now on, we'll have signs. The anger expressed through coaching others to pray is way too much...

A people that doesn’t show respect to their ancestors. Bringing a sponge cake???
It was a pathetic Yahrzeit... I’m not suggesting to celebrate a Yahrzeit with a kegger. But a little bit of schnapps and a decent cake. It was sponge cake and doughnut holes. Not even the full doughnut... Their holes. 

But you're willing to attack others. Whenever there’s a complaint, the whole shul jumps in. We lost the Layner because one guy corrected him and then the rest of you blamed him for your mortgage going up.
We lost him because of you. That was because of you.
The excitement of blaming somebody is manifest. I have never seen people so happy to yell at an somebody who's helping them... You yelled at the guy for no reason. It's like you're addicted to blaming people. You get an itch. I saw you twitching until you yelled at the Layner... No. Shmuel. You're the reason the chairs broke. I've seen you smack chairs when you didn't have tables to hit...
Your like dogs pouncing. Any chance you have to gang up... Candy throwing as a sign of disapproval should only be done at Bar Mitzvahs...

Layining was painful today. Worse than our Chazin... I didn’t think that was possible. 
The Longest Layning. Every Parshat Ekev. It’s like having to hear this guy get Bar MItzvahed again. Every year... Ekev is long to begin with. You shouldn't Bar Mitzvah people this week.
I have to hear Bar Mitzvah speed every year from this guy... With the way you Layn, we would've never made it to Israel. Our whole people would've been stuck.
You would think Max would know how to read Hebrew by now... If you can't Layn another Parsha, you are not allowed to do your Parsha. You cause exile...

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi blamed our congregants for the golden calf.
I think Moshe is mad he didn't go to Israel.
At least the membership knows H' doesn't like them. I believe the rabbi reiterated that a bunch.

Always inspiring lessons from our rabbi.
I believe the lesson of the sermon was we don't deserve Israel. But we do deserve to have to deal with annoying people leading Davening and Layning.

I believe Max had a heart attack last year due to Rosh Chodesh Davening. It was the banging. The doctor said it was Shmuel's banging. Reminding Max to say YaAleh vYavo sent him to the ICU.

Baruch Moshe brought Entenmann’s for the Yahrzeit. It was sad and pathetic. One congregant even said that nobody gets an Aliyas Nishama with Entenmann’s. He suggested fresh baked goods and 20-year-old schnapps to help with an Aliyas Nishama.
The rabbi brought doughnuts to show everybody what a true doughnut looks like in full form. Baruch Moshe took credit for the doughnuts and said it was because of him the rabbi brought them. He acknowledged how good doughnuts are in non-cheap form, saying they should be for an Aliyas Nishama.

They truly go after people. Whenever there's a complaint they all jump in. It’s like an old British court with thousands of people yelling, 'Bew!!! Bew!!!' I think they just like getting out their anger. Not everybody can hit like Shmuel. He's truly a scary guy.
They don’t even have to agree. One parent suggested we start a soccer league for the children. Another parent said, ‘What are you talking about?!’ No reason for the attitude. It was a good idea. Next thing I saw, the whole group of parents ws yelling at the woman, ‘Are you an idiot?! Who comes up with ideas like that?!!!! You fool!!!’

Layning was painful. Everybody agreed with the rabbi's rule that if you can't Layn other Parshas, you can't do your Bar Mitzvah Parsha. It was the first thing the congregation agreed on since moist babka.
And he expected a gift. He does a painful Layning and he expects gifts. He doesn't want candy thrown at him. Just gifts. Forty years after his Bar Mitzavah, he still does that long ‘Amen!’

The how to chase potential members away from the shul class was given by the membership.

Russian Jews were so against paying for water in the desert. They gave Moshe a rebel. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Rebel. Ruble. A ruble is Russian currency. Moshe called the people rebellious at Mei Merivah. Rebels. Rubles. They gave him a rebel. Not a ruble. Rebel. Rebellion. Many layers here. Please know we love Russian Jews. Russian Jewry was needed to make that work. Next time we’ll do a pun about Jewry and jewelry. Please note, Russian Jews were not around at the time we were wondering in the desert.
 
They had a Jewish diamond store. They said they were looking for a customer base that was made of American Jewelry. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jewelry. Jewry. American Jewelry. If you were thinking American Jewry, that's anti-Semitic. Or pro-jewelry. This pun keeps on giving. Please note, we said we would bring you a Jewry, jewelry pun. We stuck to our play on word.
 
They were trying to figure out if they needed to wrap a Tallis for Maariv. The rabbi decided they shawl not. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shall. Shawl. A Tallis is a prayer shawl. Shawl not put it on. Should be 'shall.' Thank you. I speak a proper English even in pun form.
 
Fast days are very important. I did the 17th of Tamuz fast in four hours. That was a very fast day. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fast day. Fast. Quick. The fast was over faster cause we did in less time. We should get more reward for doing a fast day faster. But don't. You should mourn for longer. You shouldn't follow puns as Halacha all the time. There are better texts than this for Jewish law.
 
Why’s this fast different from all other fasts? All other fasts tables are below. This fast, it's Tish above. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tisha BAv. Tish above sounds exactly the same. Tish is table in Yiddish. If you don't know that, it's not a pun. Hence, the need to know at least three languages to understand our puns. It’s not Pesach, but you can still ask questions on this night.
 
The Shadchan didn’t set me up. Though, she did help with Havdalah. She had an idea for a match. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shadchan is a matchmaker. Sets people up. But hear they're helping with matches. At Havdalah we light a candle. Matchmaker. Match. Maybe they're a candle-maker that calls themselves a matchmaker. I don't know.

His Layning was so bad. They asked what he was doing. One guy said, ‘Kriat HaTorah.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kriat HaTorah. Tearing the Torah. It usually means ‘reading the Torah,’ but this is a pun. The same word for reading Torah and tearing clothes to mourn, 'Kriah,' if you want the joke to have more meaning. Learn Hebrew, then come back and read out puns. You might want to also learn French, just in case.

Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.

It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled.
Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue.

The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.'

Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives.
Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls.

Now the arguments with the wives started.
The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house.
They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant.
The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage.

For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys.
One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.'

Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.'
Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha.
It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight.

Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you.

We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development.

Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms.
 
End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come.
 
Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code.
 
Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat...
For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona...

(Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created.
After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares...
I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week...

People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance...
No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing...
It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or...
It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic.
If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas...

The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere...

Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it...
When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form.
Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them.

People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings...
Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal.
It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness...

These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could.
A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it...

He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah.
We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you...

Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away.
The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit.

The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim.
I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima.

I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members.
The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle.

I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities.
After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues.

The rabbi truly does not like aerobics.
Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.'

The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying.

Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more.

Law 1-2: You learn to love and fear Gd by recognizing how not important you are. I hope that makes you feel good today.

Law 1: You must love and fear H'. It's a Mitzvah. You have to do Mitzvahs. Why do you have to do Mitzvahs? Because H' said so.
Look at Devarim chapter 6, verses 5 and 13. Maybe try saying the Shema and then learning Pasuk 13 too. Gd tells you should do that too.
You have to love Gd. Why? Gd tells you. It would be good if that worked when dating somebody you liked. I tried that year's back. I said, 'You should love me, because I told you to love me.' If I would've told her, 'Gd told you to love me,' that might have worked. If she was a good Gd fearing Jew.
I fear I'll get in trouble if you don't love Him. That's where my fear comes from.

Law 2: You end up loving H’ when you realize how great He is. When you notice His great deeds and how there is no end to His greatness, you desire to know more. This is not like loving a human. When you see how much my congregants have messed up, when you see how none of them put more than a dollar in the Tzedakah box, when you see how bad Kiddish is, you do not desire to know them at all. You desire to get out of there.
You need a reason to love. With Gd, it's His Greatness that you want to connect to. With a potential spouse, it's to get your parents off your back.

You desire to know more. That is love. I think we just defined it. Years of trying to figure out what love is, I think we just figured it out. The Rambam just said it.
Through appreciation for H’s greatness you learn to love Him. This is what the shadchanim/matchmakers mean when you are not attracted to somebody and they say, ‘You will learn to love them.’ After time, you learn to admire them due to their unattractive appearance. You start to love the ugliness you married.
You know how those parents talk about their ugly kids like they're beautiful, saying stuff like 'you're beautiful'? They're lying.

Then you realize how tiny you are. A little puny man.
Fear comes through realizing how small you are. H’ said, 'Let there be a world,' and there was a world. It appeared. You requested some orange juice with your breakfast and the waiter still hasn’t brought it.
Fear of H' is different. It is a fear of love. If I fear somebody, it's because they're tyrants and I'm worried I'm going to get shot. That's not love. And that is not fear of them. That's fear of losing my life or money. I have to stop hanging out with these people. It's different with parents. They might be tyrants, who made me do homework throughout my childhood. They also made me sit down for dinner with the family. Even so, I fear them and love them because they support me, financially. It's a fear and love with Gd. That's why I say that prayer for Parnasa (a good living).

A tiny, lowly, and dark creature, standing with his flimsy, limited, wisdom before He who is of perfect knowledge.
Kind of makes you feel worse than sitting through a Shidduch pitch from a matchmaker, where they tell you how not handsome you are.
Meditate on how great H' is. Do it for a minute or two. Now think about yourself. Didn't accomplish much. Did you? H' brought the world into being. What have you done today? You stained the deck. Gd just sneezed and built a forest.
Kind of makes you think. Maybe fear Him. This isn't a competition with Gd, who decided to create the heavens and earth with a couple of words. You can't even build a Popsicle stick house right.
When you understand how puny you are, you fear Him. Until now, I never fully understood the Musar, the moral lessons, Hons and Franz were giving over.
Now you understand why you have to fight with fools to get to the potato kugel at Kiddish.

Ahh. That was a good learning session of the Rambam. I feel like a nothing. An absolute nothing, right now.
And I got rejected by a woman, even though I told her to love me. Didn’t work. As she said, ‘You’re not Gd.’ And then I told her, ‘You’re ugly.’

Tu BAv, the holiday of Jewish love is upon us. So, here's another recording of a bad date.
I was dating this religious girl who just decided to became religious. That was it. She had a bad day, broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and decided she was a Bal Teshuva. She said, 'I don't want to have fun anymore.' She found out she didn't have to pay for Kiddish, and that was it. She was a Bal Teshuva, a returner in penitence, also known as a Chozer BTshuva or somebody who ruins good times.
She just started being religious, which means that I was a heretic, as I was religious my whole life. Let me chronicle this experience so we can learn from it.

She Judged My Blessing
The whole date she couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have enough Kavanah (proper intent) when saying the Bracha. I made the blessing. I thought that was enough. To this day, I still don't know the requisite amount of Kavanah involved in eating a french fry.
She didn't stop. She said I didn't close my eyes enough, and that my Bracha was illegitimate. It was then that we moved onto the conversation of her two kids she had before she decided to become religious. It turns out she now needed somebody to pay for her children to go to Jewish day school. So, she needs a religious man who will commit to this relationship thing.
As soon as she started telling me about her religious journey, I fell asleep. At that point she said, 'Now, that's Kavanah.'

Where Was the Date
I thought a restaurant would be nice. She wanted to go to a Shiur. A class. We showed up to the class. The rabbi sat the men and women on different sides. That was the only part of the date that went well.
It was after the class that we went for dinner. The Hashgacha wasn't good enough at the first restaurant. It only had one rabbinic certificate. She wanted at least four. She said that no restaurant should trust the rabbi giving them a certificate.
​We ended up at a nice dairy cafe. Yankel Mendel's Cafe. She said the name sounded religious enough. She was fine with the three Hashgachas. He had one for dairy, one for meat, and one that said Yankel in Hebrew that she said was a Hashgacha, as it was in Hebrew.

I Asked Her Story
I asked when she became religious. She told me she had an epiphany three weeks ago and told her rabbi that she didn't want to enjoy life anymore. Her rabbi said, 'I think you're on the right path.' And she became religious.
She then told me the whole story of how she became a Bal Teshuva by by telling her parents they did everything wrong. I asked about Kibud Av vEim, honoring your parents. She said she never heard of that commandment.
I asked her what she liked about Yiddishkeit. She had no idea what that meant, and she told me that's not a Frum word. She just knew that she was better than me and her parents.

She Is Now Shomeret Negiah
She told me she wanted to stop touching guys. Now. With me. For religious reasons. I explained to her that this was not a good way to inspire other people to become religious.
I asked what happened with her last boyfriend. She said, 'I just moved out. We broke up and I felt it was time to stop living with him.' It turns out she was partying and touching every guy she could for the past thirty-eight years. As a religious man, I was bothered by how many hands she shook.
Her only focus on the date, other than telling me I'm a bad Jew, was to not touch. I started eating, she was shocked that I touched the cannoli. She said that's not allowed. 'You shouldn't touch. Touching is forbidden.' And then she told me I ate french fries not religiously.
She told me men and women shouldn't be talking. To quote, 'Good religious men don't talk to women.' I had no idea how to respond to that. I sat for a minute in silence. I actually enjoyed that minute. At that point I ended the date. I didn't tell her I was ending the date. I thought getting up and leaving, and not footing the bill, was what a good religious man would do.
So, I got up and devoured that cannoli with the a passion that could only be seen by a man who hasn't touched a woman since second grade, when he danced the Hora, not knowing that was a sinful act.

In her religious journey, she learned nothing about honoring her parents. But she did learn touching and talking to men is forbidden. And she has to go on dates. She learned how to go on dates and tell the guy he is a heretic.

I called off the second date and spent that time with my Musar rebbe, who also told me that I need more intent when I make a Bracha. He said, 'It's a french fry. It comes from H'. A good one has that crunch. You know, the oily ones that went back in the deep fryer. You have Kavanah! For crying out loud! Kavanah! That stuff is good. Then you dunk it mayonnaise or ketchup. Put on a few pounds...' I had never heard somebody go off like that, on love of french fries and Gd. After the french fry speech, I got a call from her rabbi saying he was very disappointed in me. He never met me, but he heard I was touching stuff on the date. I felt so bad when he asked, 'Cannolis?!' I felt like a sinner. That date ruined my chances with any girl from Neve Seminary.
I didn't do anything right that date. It felt like I was having dinner with my family.

Next time I went out was with another Shomeret Negiah girl, she said we can't touch until we get married. I proposed the first date.

Announcements
Speaker from Israel will be here this week to tell you shouldn't be here. The rabbi felt it important the congregants hear this message.

We are asking congregants to smile. That might help people feel like they are liked. That might help bring some peace this Tisha BAv.

As the fast will be happening and our members get worried when they skip a meal, the shul will have a doctor with an IV on-site.

Shul aerobic classes will start next week. We understand our membership is very out of shape. This is why we‘re hosting aerobics classes at shul. Our members can’t keep up with the ninety-year-olds at the gym. The JCC asked our members stop coming due to their breathing patterns. For the same reason, the rabbi is asking people to stop Davening the Amidah. The breathing is too loud during the silent prayer.

The Israel support meeting will happen this week. We are going to focus on meetings, as we know people will not give money.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Move to Israel and Leave Our Shul. How to Not Look Like You’re Mad at Everyone. How to Not Breathe Like You’re About to Pass Out. How to Do More than Start a Committee.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Let me summarize Moshe’s words. ‘I detest you as people...’ No. He didn’t have to deal with congregants of this shul.
(Devarim 1:25-28) Moshe tells them the spies, the good ones, came back and said the land was good. ‘Took in their hands from the fruit...’ It was good fruit. Ever had an Israeli kumquat?!... I don’t know if they brought those, but they’re good.
‘The land is good, and you didn’t want to go. You were like members of Anshei Emes uSefilah who didn’t go on the shul trip. You rebelled H’ like the Chazin who takes a really long time to finish the repetition of the Amidah. And you slandered like the Pinskowitzs who don’t appreciate their rabbi...’
I'm paraphrasing Moshe. I don't know if he knew Bernie. Point is you slander when you do something wrong. It starts with a little thing, like comfort and then it turns into hate and fear. And then you don’t want to visit Israel and United cancels their flights....

It’s about taking that plunge. Being in Israel is the right thing. It's a good land. But you all have excuses. And those excuses turn to fear. And fear turns into your rabbi having to deal with Bernie and Fran. Kiddishes that have nothing more than Kichel...

The guest speaker is right. You should be in Israel... If his speeches are successful, you won't be here... You still have to pay dues...

(Devarim 1:29-30) Moshe reminds them that he told them, ‘Do not be broken and do not fear them. H’... He will make war for you like all he did for you in Mitzrayim.’
You forget. You forget how H' protects you. You forget the shul Shabbaton where I kicked out the Chazin for singing too much... I did that for you. And I will do that on the shul trip to Israel...
A relationship is destroyed when you don’t remember. No trust. And that is why your members of the shul and not of my family...

It's an outlook. It's fear which builds up with much time of forgetting H'. You forget H' and you start to come up with excuses for being annoying members. Then you hate... At least you cause a lot of hatred. When you tell the bad jokes, Sim...

You depress people here.
So depressing in this place... Giving a sermon to you... When you snarl at people, they think you don't like them... That's not an excuse. To say that anger is your regular look is not an excuse. You're the reason for hatred.
Let's try to smile together... Your smiles truly do look bad. The look of depression is more fitting our congregants...

Please stop interrupting the sermon. The loud breathing in a listening state of our congregants is disturbing... I couldn't even focus on the Amidah. Your breathing kills Kavanah... The Amidah should be no saying the words out loud or breathing.
This congregation is too out of shape to Daven. The back left is too out of shape to pray for good health. It's messed up. I'm shocked you can even make it to shul...
The aerobics classes are Zoomba... So, they’re Asur. I don’t know. So, they're just for women. 
I just know you can’t go Bernie... It’s for women only. I’ve seen you looking at the women’s side at the weddings recently. You want to chase the women away from aerobics too???... I think they’re doing Zoomba there. Not sure... You don't need to bring your own step. We have steps in the sanctuary, on the way up to the Aron Kodesh. The Bima in front of the ark has a lot of stairs...

You fear even losing your money... You're worried about your retirement... You should retire to Israel... I know it costs more. 
At least give money to Israel... Money is also a form of giving. I know nobody in this shul believes that you can do more than be part of a committee... You can make decisions for good without a meeting. You don't need to be part of a board to participate in showing up to Shacharit on time...
Having a meeting does not mean you did anything... Yes. I said it... I didn't say to give money to the Federation. The Federation is in Topeka, not Israel. How do you give to Israel when you're giving to Topeka???

It's all about fear. The reason you don't want to go to Israel. It's fear. It's fear because you forgot H'. You forgot H' and you remembered your money. And you forgot my class on repentance last week... Nobody showed for that... Stop crying about Tisha BAv. Cry for the destruction of our people. Cry for a day where people are in good enough shape to not dusturb my Davening. The Federation...

Calm down with the Kinot. Lamentations are not more painful than the fast... I know nobody understands them. You're not supposed to understand prayer. That's why we call it Tefillah...

(Devarim 1:37) Moshe tells the people, ‘It’s because of you I am not going to Israel.’ And you are why we had to cancel the shul stay in the Citadel Hotel... 
I will do a Kinah about that.

Rivka's Rundown
As the rabbi said, it’s this fear that keeps us out of Israel. It’s the lack of trust in H’. This is the reason why the rabbi hasn't had a decent shawarma in two years.
The rabbi said everybody in the shul is full of fear. The congregants fear showing up to shul on time. They fear they might have to pray. Everybody fears the Chazin might show up. The whole of the membership fears smiling.

Rabbi brought in somebody from Israel to tell us he wants us out of Topeka. I think he is trying to get rid of the congregation and using the Torah to do it. The Israel message the speaker was giving over was right and I agree. We should be in Israel. But the following week with the rabbi told us we should move to Montreal. I am still trying to figure out if the rabbi cares about Israel or not having to deal with Bernie.

I don't know how still paying dues after moving to Israel makes sense. Truth is our shul has raised no money for Israel the past year. I believe we're the only congregation to give nothing. Fear will definitely keep your money in Topeka.

​Our shul truly is the most depressing place to go. It’s always a Tisha BAv feeling in our shul. That’s the ambiance we’re going for. The Tisha BAv kind of ambiance.
Smiling doesn't help. The rabbi brought in a dentist. The dentist said he can't do anything about the smiles. Suggested it's better the congregation doesn't smile. For a second opinion the rabbi brought in an orthodontist. The orthodontist felt so bad. He said it will depress people more if the congregants smiled. He ended up giving a donation to shul, feeling so bad that he might have had something to do with the disgusting teeth and hygiene of the community. Dr. Friedberg, the orthodontist, is now in therapy, post traumatic teeth of Anshei Emes uSefilah disorder. I believe the Dr. Friedberg fears coming back to our shul.
When asked why they haven't been to an orthodontist, every man in the back left said, 'I haven't even paid my dues.'

We need to lose weight. The breathing is off in our shul. Aerobics will help. I didn't understand why we needed Zoomba classes. Then the rabbi pointed to Shimon and said, 'That's what you look like when you dance the Hora.'
Fast Davening can help with the aerobic aspects of Davening. We need more people focusing on the sitting and standing. More of an aerobic focus. More circling around the shul with the Torha. The kid chasing in shul is good aerobics.
I still think more Simcha dancing can help. Just nobody wants to go to more weddings. With the due, wedding gifts and trips the rabbi is suggesting, nobody in our congregation will ever be able to afford and orthodontist.

The rabbi's words of not understanding Kinot were greatly appreciated by all. They finally understood why they come to shul and pray in Hebrew that is not Biblical or modern.
They get so worried in our shul about not eating on a fast day, Chana Leah printed up a Kinah (lamentation) about not eating for twenty-five hours. She insisted everybody read it along with the Kinot about the destruction of the Temples and the genocide of our people. The part about 'Oh. To thine cheese that hasth melted. Werehast thy goneth,' was quite touching.

The Jewish Federation now hates our rabbi. They told him that money raised for Israel should go to Israelis in America. And then the rabbi said, 'Having a meeting doesn't mean you did anything.' That hurt the congregants as a whole. Now the board that hasn't put in money for a paint job in the shul for the past thirty-five years is questioning what being Jewish is about. To quote Shaindel, a committee member who is part of every committee, 'What is Judaism without committees?'
Meetings need more action was not a message that spoke to our congregants. They feel like they’re giving by talking with their friends. Which is true if you're unemployed.
At the Israel support meeting the congregants were adamant that they will do anything and give anything but money. After much deliberation, they decided wanted to give by having more meetings.

Tisha BAv services in shul were very long. The rabbi talked for hours during the Kinot services about the Temple being destroyed because of hatred of fellow man, and how we should use the day to internalize peace amongst our people. With the long prayers and the long fast mixed together, people got very antsy. Fights broke out. Much fear of having to hear the rabbi talk more was expressed by the congregation.

I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart.

I Almost Hated Cheerios
I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios.
You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv.

What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle
Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain.
This line is moving fast.

What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting
When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item.
Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her?

Judging Is Wrong
Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work.

Anybody Working at a Garage
It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved.
If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden.

I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines.
Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.

Announcements
The front lock to the shul is now good for use on Shabbis. Many people have asked how they can break in during non-office hours. Now, with Hebrew, you can break in even on Shabbis. And you won’t be breaking the laws of Shabbis as you do on your way home.
 
We’re honoring the Schonefelds for being the most classy members of our congregation. They have not eaten at Kiddish all year. That's class.
 
The rabbi has decided that he will be learning the laws of Shabbat with the congregants at Shalishudis. He said it is at the point that the congregants should know how to sin with more Kavanah.
 
We are looking for sponsors of the Chumashim we already bought.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Use a Lock By Knowing Hebrew: Breaking Into Shul Would Be A Good Thing For Some of You. How to Not Eat at Kiddish and Look Like a Normal Human Who’s Relaxed Around Choolante: Not Hurting the Elderly for Kugel. How to Raise More Money Off Something You Already Raised Money On.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s been two long Parshas... I don’t know why they put them together. It was probably somebody in this shul. The president likes making things painful for everybody.

The real question is if Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe did the right thing staying on the other side of the Jordan. Not entering Israel... If the Pinskowitz family stayed in Iowa and didn’t move to Topeka, I think we would have all been fine with that...
(Bamidbar 32:6-15) Moshe compares it to the Meraglim (spies), letting them know that not going the full way can cause the destruction of the people... I don't think we've ever had a successful community trip to Israel. Every trip gets cancelled due to safety... Look at this community. The fact that it's here, in Topeka. Destroyed. This is what happens when you don't move to Israel. Bernie... Do you not like Israel?... Sending money is not enough. I've seen how much you donate to the shul. Israel can't survive on falafel balls for dinner every night...

(Bamidbar 32:17-19) They commit. ‘We will arm ourselves ... we shall return to our homes until the Children of Israel will have inherited...’
No matter how disconnected they were, Reuven and Gad knew they had to fight with their people.
This congregation shares the characteristics of the tribes of Gad and Reuven. This shul is very disconnected. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos-Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. I also feel like it's still going on... Because you're still talking like it's in the middle of Torah reading. At least show respect for the sermon... He's still trying to find Matos. Matos goes into Masai... Masai Yistimu HaPeh Shelahem (I think this means shut up)...
The only difference is the members of this shul never help... Even inter-shul baseball play was a failure this year. Again. Because nobody backed up the plate... Nobody is ever there to help. You always overthrow...

One thing that is not deniable. They were there to fight
Are we fighting with our brethren now?!... Posting to war on Facebook is not the same as... You lost a friend on Facebook. Stop saying you lost a friend...

This guy is still fighting for more safety in shul. Sometimes it's not about just your safety. It's about everybody... How much safety do you need? A Shabbis lock is still a locked door...
It's called a Shabbis lock because you can use it on Shabbis. If I have to explain this one more time. It's not to keep Shomer Shabbis Jews out. It's so that you can use it on Shabbis... You don't even keep Shabbis.
The shul Shabbis lock with transliterated Hebrew is not safe. If half of our congregants can get in on Shabbis, there is something wrong with the code... Antifa doesn't read Hebrew. Except for Molly in the far-right section over there... That's you under that mask, terrorizing Jewish students. Still convinced that part of hating Jews is attacking them... Hating your fellow Jew is more about complaining about how they had a bad Kiddish for their son's Bar Mitzvah...
Beforehand you were using an electric pad on Shabbat... No. That’s not good... Then learn Hebrew. We don’t want random people who need transliteration. We have enough congregants stuck on transliterating... It's not a left-wing thing to support transliteration...
It should be an incentive to learn Hebrew.
If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos and Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. Learn to read Hebrew pages. I still don't know why we can't get Chumashim that have numbers that are not in Hebrew letters. Nobody is trying to break into a Chumash...

The Schonefelds are classy. That do stuff for the Jewish people... That’s class. Stuffing your face with free choolante and babka is not class.
Class is not eating at Kiddish. It's simple. You don't eat at Kiddish. You stand and talk. You're classy. Classy people don't eat in public... Taking a plate of Kichel home is the next level of non-classy. Smart and economic. Great way to get something out of your dues. Not classy.

What do we learn? We have to choose correctly, or we might cause the destruction of our people. 'What do we learn' is the question...
Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata is a Sefer about the laws of Shabbis. I don't think anybody cares about that... You break those laws all the time. Anybody want to learn about how they are sinners? So, Misilat Yesharim?... Nobody knows what that is?! Then why did you vote for it???!!!
I think we’ll just learn Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. You guys have no idea how to vote... You voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata four times last week... Because you forgot each time. You forgot you voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. Then you voted for it again. Then I checked to make sure that's what you wanted, and you didn’t raise your hand again. The next time I asked, to be sure, Mark asked, 'What's that?' I explained. 'That's the one about Shabbis. The one you just voted for.' Mark says, ‘Oh. I want that one’... Watching you guys make decisions for the community is watching the destruction of our people. I'll choose...
The Schonefelds didn't vote. Class...

Yes. We bought the Chumashim already with donation monies. But does that mean we shouldn’t have somebody paying for them again... That’s the point of the sponsor. I haven’t had a raise in...

Rivka's Rundown
That’s how I judge a classy person. If they don’t eat at Kiddish, they’re classy.

The rabbi got cheers when he said, ‘It's been two long Parshas.’ The congregants finally felt like somebody heard them.

The rabbi is correct. Nobody ever helps. If congregants helped, maybe we would see our shul with a better softball team. A non-destroyed team. I have no idea why we're called the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lions. Nobody in our congregation is talented enough to come up with a cheer that long. We should just be called the Lions. It's also embarrassing to go through the shul's name and to be associated which such an untalented squad.
We've lost a lot of potential members when people found out the Lions were part of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. I heard one potential member say, 'They are definitely not praying for health.' Shlomo didn't even make it to first base on that walk. Truth is, I don't think our membership would be of any help in war. Not even standing on the sides cheering them on.
 
Now you can only break into the shul if you know Hebrew. They didn’t even use script on the lock. It’s the Hebrew font you see on the computer.
The rabbi was right about the safety thing. These people care so much about their own safety. They forget about their people. If Jews can't break into a shul on Shabbis, do we have a community?! We have happy people. But not community.

People didn't want to learn about how they are sinners. They were worried that was going to push them to have an internal wanting to learn Shemirat Shabbat KHilchata. They figured that if they just learned the Shabbis Sefer they wouldn't get guilted into learning something else.
It took a while to decide what we learn. A few weeks ago, we decided, and then we decided again four times on the next vote where we forgot we already decided to learn about Shabbat. The rabbi decided and he finally started this Shabbat. Finally, the rabbi opened up the Sefer and started learning. We all just watched. We didn’t learn a thing. We just watched. I thought the idea was to learn this together at Shalishudis.
Zalman, the one congregant full of pride for his rabbi, announced, ‘In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.'

It seems our congregants like the act of voting. They like the idea that they're part of the decision-making process. No idea what's going on, but they still vote. This is why they voted on the Shabbis lock with letters they can't read.
Having to hear them complaining and blaming the shul for them not being able to read Hebrew was painful. The shul did whatever they can to make it easier to break in. In the end, they wrote the code in Roman numerals.

Now we're sponsoring shul days. We sponsor everything now. It feels like every day is Yom Kippur.
Sponsored Chumashim??? Somebody already bought them. Now they're getting somebody to donate them again. They paid for the Chumashim and now somebody has to pay for them again. They get me every time with these sponsorships. I sponsored Kiddish two weeks ago to find out somebody else also lost a grandparent. It's a scam.
From now on, I'm going to sponsor on a contingency. I eat so much at Kiddish, just to get my money’s worth. I’m not classy.

The class on how to raise more money by raising money for something you already raised money for was a huge success. It turned into a panel with every board member who shared a different angle on how to take money from people for an organization that doesn't need it.

I don't think anything can destroy our shul. Our community is so messed up already.

(Vayikra 19:1-2) ‘You shall be holy.’ Rashi teaches this means to be removed from sin. From this we learn that it's a Mitzvah to not enjoy yourself.
As a rabbi, I've learned that people want to see their rabbi not smiling. A serious look of not happiness makes them feel their rabbi is holy. I once smiled. The board fired me for unholy behavior. Now, I just think of having to deal with congregants and I have the right look.
 
(Niddah 73a) One who learns two Halachas a day, merits Olam Haba... I never learned that Halacha before. If I would’ve known that Halacha, I might have come around to learning it.
This should be the first Halacha they teach. People might learn more. By the time you get to this, learning one Halacha a day, you've already earned yourself a place in Gehenim.
 
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash.
It's about feeling the pain of our people. You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full. This truly connects them to the yearning of our people.
Rule: One who commits a sin can't commit a second sin. That's the idea. But I can tell you otherwise. I have congregants. They sin a third time too.

We don’t get a haircut or shave during the Three Weeks, so that you can look like you’re mourning and not get a date.
The Three Weeks are now. There are other three weeks in the year. I would not want to confuse anybody. Other three weeks do exist. But these are the Three Weeks. The Ben HaMeitzarim, 'Between the Disasters.' The Three Weeks between the shaves. The Three Weeks you look real bad.

I can't do it. Trusting me with your kids is not responsible. No idea how parents do it. I respect all of you Frum parents out there raising all those kids, even past nursery school.
I had to watch over the kids for a day and I gave up on them by 3pm. Somehow they made it from three to when their parents got home at 8pm. I don't know how they did it. I was tired and I fell asleep.
Here is what I learned about kids.

I Need Sleep
I got sleep. A full night's sleep. I just needed more. It was ten minutes into watching the kids where I said, 'Whew. I'm tired. Watch over yourselves.'
Now I know why parents are always on edge. It's the extra fourteen hours of sleep needed daily to watch over kids.

Very Dirty - They're Very Dirty
Two hours into watching them, I already had to put up a load of laundry. The amount of dirt is something I have never seen before. Grownups have to be coming out of a coal mine to create that kind of dirt.
If I was to ever explain the job of a parent, as I understand it, it's to do at least four loads of laundry a day.

Dirt Everywhere
Got to follow the kids around with a Dustbuster. Dustbusting and Swiffing all day. I had the Swiffer in my hand two feet behind. Swiffing side to side right behind them. I couldn't keep up with the shmutz. They can be walking with nothing, and they still create dirt. Their like walking dust balls.
There's nothing that doesn't end up on the floor. They touch it, it's on the floor. Not one of my nephews looks down. They just drop and go. No thought. No care for their uncle having to bend.
I asked them if they knew where the garbage was. They have no idea what a trashcan is. I educated them about the idea of putting garbage in the garbage. That took a while to explain. I then showed them where it was. Now, they make it a point to stay away from it.

They Drop Stuff on Purpose
They do it on purpose. Dropping anything they can. Popcorn. Toys. Toothpaste. 'The uncle will clean it.' Gushers wrappers. 'Drop it.' Middle of lawn. 'Uncle D will find it when he's mowing.' Maybe it's a recycling thing that they're teaching these kids at nursery. That garbage makes landfills education. Maybe they think the living room floor is a compost. That's my problem with this new education.
The little five month old is in on this too. Throwing stuff. She gets a kick out of seeing me work. Peanut butter puffs, 'I'll just drop that there... Look at him pick it up. The loser... Let's do that again. Cry. Get a puff and drop it... The fool is picking it up again.'
Do you know how demeaning it is when a five month old is mocking you.

Nothing Is Worse Than Lego
One day and I already injured my foot. Lego!!! They drop those too.
Tonka trucks can cause you to stub a toe, but nothing hurts more than stepping on Lego. I would go on, but that rhymes. I use lowercase in LEGO, because I buy that stuff at the Dollar Tree. I don't think the buck twenty five pack is original LEGO.
Parents should boycott LEGO. If it was made in Israel I might be able to get some traction on this.

Now I know why parents are always tired and injured.
I respect and appreciate all you parents who can pull this for a whole childhood. I would've given up on the kids at five in the afternoon. And even greater respect for those parents who have their kids at home for the summer. Summer is tough when the kids are at home. You should be blessed to make enough money to send your kids to camp, so you don’t have to see them. Hopefully, H' will answer your  prayers and you won't have to see your kids.
I hope this empathy from an uncle who spent six hours with kids gives you Chizuk. I'm going to head back to sleep. It's 8:15 and the parents are putting the kids to bed. Thank Gd I don't have to do that. I definitely don't have the energy to say Shema with these little guys.

Announcements
Please be nice to the kids visiting for the summer song choir program. You may not want to invite them for Shabbat lunch, as they will want to sing Zemirot. Nonetheless, smile at them. They're not used to seeing angry older people. They have hope.

For shul renovations we’re asking congregants to go to other shuls.

Do not say the whole Monday or Thursday Tachnun. You will rightfully be hated by the congregation.The rabbi has stated that skipping prayers is fine, especially if you’re the Chazin. As long as you don’t slow down the congregation you won’t be hated.

We are asking people to come together and protest the Gabai.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Three Weeks of Mourning and How Our Congregants Caused It. How to Do Renovations to Draw Members to Your Shul By Telling Them To Go To Other Shuls. How to Lead Davening Like Yankel and Make People Late To Work.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. After a plague there’s a new census... We should’ve done a census after the wet Kugel Kiddish affliction... It was disgusting...

(Bamidbar 26:54) ‘For the numerous one increase his inheritance, and for the fewer one you shall lessen...’ Than have more kids.
Rashi teaches the amount of land was divided according to the numbers. The places were divided through Ruach HaKodesh... It doesn’t take divine inspiration to count members of a tribe.
The way Moishie does his math. The worst third grader I’ve ever seen. Can’t even lineup Popsicle sticks right. It would be divine intervention for that kid to add ice pop holders...
Why more for the greater numbers? Sometimes, people need space... I sit up here, on the Bima, because I am trying to get away from the congregants...

It’s about fairness sometimes... I don't know what that means. But it's about it. Fairness.
When you’re part of a community, there is fairness...

Tzelafchad’s daughters stated (Bamidbar 27:3) ‘Our father died in the wilderness (was not part of Korach’s crew), and he had no sons. Why should the name of our father be omitted from within his family, because he has no sons? Give us an inheritance among our father’s brothers.’ We all know that sons are not always a blessing. Look at the Lefkowitz sons. Sitting in the back left of the shul... I don't know Tzelafchad very well...
And this is how women got the vote. This is how women served in the army. And this is why the sisterhood refuses to help with Kiddish... Then why do we have a sisterhood?... You take up space. You should do something. Fairness. 

We must separate correctly. We must be just in how we divide what we do in this congregation. That is how we unify. Space. Not sitting next to Bernie...
We have a responsibility to each other. Like the daughters of Tzelafchad brought to our attention. We all deserve our spot in the community... Not if you're annoying.
The responsibilities of the congregants...

You have a responsibility to smile. To at least not depress everybody.
You need somebody to tell you to smile at people... They’re kids at a singing camp. They’re not used to seeing angry Jews... or Jews that go to shul.
Count the angry people here. Each angry person is less numerous a member... That was Biblical English. Translated. You chase away members. You make people not want a portion in this shul... Because you're angry.

Tzelafchad’s daughters deserve a place to live... They didn't mess up the land with their renovations like Malkie...

Renovating the membership was my idea. I did not suggest to renovate the whole place and kick people out... That’s how you lose members.
We don't even need renovations to chase away members. They just have to meet the board... A lot of anger.

When they partitioned the land, it was a beautiful moment. People were happy they had a piece of Israel. 
Nobody is happy in this shul because nobody smiles and Davening takes so long.
Nobody says the full Monday and Thursday Tachnun, except you. I've timed it... It’s fine. Skipping Tachnun is fine.
You would get no land. Nobody would want to listen to you. You even said the full Brich Shemey... You skip to Bei Ana Rachitz. Everybody skips to Bei Ana Rachitz... You get to the song. Nobody understands the Tefillah anyways, Baruch...

Will anybody take Pinchas’ place and hurt the Gabai...
If there was more space. If I didn't have to see the congregants... At this point, I want to thank the board for kicking everybody out of the shul for renovations. 
Sometimes it's about more than numbers. I'm trying to make a point. Any daughters of Tzelafchad willing to help out here...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is truly trying to get away from us. He even moved the Chazin's seat down to the general men's section. Put the Chazin and the president right next to Bernie. Now they have huge tall back chairs with gigantic armrests on each side of Bernie. It looks off. Though, the rabbi is happy he has space, and he doesn't need to be near anybody.

They haven’t smiled at a guest in years. The rabbi is right. People run from these depressed people in our shul. I appreciated the rabbi letting the congregants know not to ruin the hope of Jewish children with meeting our congregants.
You don't want to see Bernie smile. He's been smoking cigars for eighty years.

I didn’t invite the choir kids for Shabbis. I can’t stand extended Zemirot with harmony.

What was that shul renovation announcement? Are they truly looking to renovate the membership? Nothing was said about an amount of time. It seemed to just be an announcement to not see congregants ever.
The idea of asking congregants to go to other shuls didn’t pan out well. The board was trying to figure out why we lost so many members.
They scaled back the renovations from last week to just be scrolls. Some board members suggested they still renovate the rabbi.

One guy leading services once said the whole Thursday extended Tachnun. He got booed. You skip certain Tefillahs. Everybody who goes to shul knows that. Only people who don't pray say the whole thing.
Tefillahs you skip:
The long Tachnun
That Rosh Chodesh thing after Shir Shel Yom
VYiten LCha
Anything on Yom Kippur other than the Amidah
Brich Shemey
Wednesday Shir Shel Yom

People can’t stand the Gabai. I don't know what he did to deserve a protest against him. He might have told someone they can't come up for an Aliyah to the Torah if they haven't been called.

Parents have embraced the Jewish summer camp experience, sending their kids away, enjoying the summer spent without their children. Some parents have even added a new prayer to their Shabbat liturgy, 'B"H they're gone.'
Jewish Summer Camp is a joy for the parents, and there are things that no parent should have to hear when liberated from a child. Stuff that intrudes on a parent’s enjoyment of not having their child around. Stuff that might remind them they brought that little one into the world, when the weather is nice outside. Even worse, stuff that might suggest the child wants to come home.
Here are things that you parents do not want to hear from your child at Jewish Summer Camp:
 
My Counselor is Going to be a Junior in High School
To get rid of your kid for the summer you were fine with this. Yet, hearing your child's safety is in the hands of another child has you bothered for a second. You're not bringing your kid home. But that moment of thought and doubt intrudes on your relaxation. Not fair. Forcing you to think of the well being of your kid. Chutzpah.
A high schooler is watching over your kid for the summer, keeping them safe. You didn’t trust them to babysit your kid when you went to the movies three months ago, because the teenager failed Home-Ec. Now, the fifteen-year-old is taking your youngest on overnights in the middle of the woods. To ensure the safety of your eight-year-old going up against bears, the counselor set up a buddy system, where your eight-year-old is watched over by another eight-year-old.
It's just a Chutzpah. Your little one shouldn't be killing your time away from them with thoughts of their safety.
 
I want to Come Home
That is the last thing you want to hear. That can kill some decent summer plans. Do anything you can to not hear this. Ghost your child if you have to. It may leave some scars, but at least you'll be able to enjoy your summer.
You sent them to camp to get rid of them for the summer. You were willing to spend $12,000 on each child to make sure they would not come home. You've just thrown out every art project they came home with last year. The Chanukah Menorah with the nuts on a slab of wood is finally in the trash. You even left a fifteen-year-old in charge of them, and pretended like you didn’t notice. Whatever they need, give it to them. If that means another bunk in another camp, do it.

I am Homesick
It's hard to care for your child and then to have to respond to their sickness by telling them, ‘Your mom and dad are sick of having you at home. They are feeling ill having to see you. The thought of you at the house depresses them.’

The Kids are Mean
When children are not around adults, they turn into creatures of hate with no moral sense. Wedgies become a daily activity, and they're considered fun. Encourage your child to deal with the abuse and to enjoy the wedgies, even if there's a good chance they'll come home injured.

I am at the Infirmary
You had no idea that the camp you sent your child to is an army barracks in the middle of a Catskill war zone.
Now you might have to visit. And that is your child killing your good times with thoughts of them.
You're thinking you should visit. Don't. You're thinking that malaria might be a reason to bring your child home. Don't. Your friends are coming over for a game of Scrabble later. There's a camp nurse. An infirmary. They have to learn to survive out there with upper middle class Jewish New Yorkers.

I Don’t Like Bunk Beds
They will never survive in camp or a youth hostel. They are going to be expensive to raise.

I Miss You
Worst thing to hear. No parent wants to hear this. This is your child trying to scare you. A parent only wants to hear that if it's not genuine. You want to hear, 'I love you.' That means the child is OK and doesn't want to see you.
'I miss you.' Why would your child do this to you? If the child is over thirty and living overseas, this is a fine statement. As there is no way the child will visit. At that point, they know you're not paying for them to come back home.
Do whatever you can to avoid love in your home, and you will not have to deal with this issue.

I Want a Package
Can’t get away with a month of no shopping for the kid. Now you've got to pick up Pringles, Twizzlers and hockey gear. You already spent $12,000 on camp. The least they can do is provide your child with sports equipment and some sweets. But you send it. Whatever they need, you send it, due to fear of the child coming home.
To offset the fear of packages have gotten bigger and more intricate. Now these entitled children need comfort. You have to go to the supermarket and Bed Bath & Beyond. You're sending packages with couches and air-conditioning units, and anything else that will ensure that your child does not want to come home. I've seen kids getting packages with golf carts. Golf carts with notes that say, 'Your parents love you. Please stay in camp for the second session too.'
If you want any love from your child, and to rid yourself of the threat of our child visiting home, regular Pringles will not do; you got to make sure the Pringles are the sour cream n’ onion type with a memory foam mattress.

I Miss Your Cooking
Now you have to ship an overnight package with a hotplate. Otherwise, they might want to come home.
Feels good when you hear it. Just make sure you send that package. Otherwise, they're coming home and you will have to cook spaghetti for the rest of the summer. 

Goal is to keep them there, at camp. Away from you and uncomfortable.
Next time we will discuss more stuff you don't want to hear after spending $12,000, such as ‘I’m bringing home some arts-n-crafts,’ 'I started collecting salamanders,' and 'you have to tip my counselor.'

Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe.

A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis
Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water.
You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke.
Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.'
The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.'
You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke.
All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.'

How Far Can a Rabbi See
Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim.
Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!'
The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?!

The Rebbe Who Always Fasted
These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win.
Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how pious my rebbe is. He's so humble, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.'
This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend.

NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are
Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom.
Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.'
In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain.

Conclusion
A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs.
My Abba told these jokes better than me.

Epilogue
We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything.
We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is.
It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already.
Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul.

Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school.
 
As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal.
 
It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit.
 
We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once.

Rabbi Mendelchem's  Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes...
When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie.
The question is who sees the sword...

Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you...

And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima...
(Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters...

(Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’
Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you.
When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. 
Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals.

(22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock.
This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten...
It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking...
The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important...

Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast...
The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. 

The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot...

Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery.

We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... 
Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that.

'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance.

The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse.
He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping.

Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul.
They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board.
The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement.
When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee.

Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president.

I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish.

They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul.
That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent.
The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent.
The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody.
Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me.

How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough.
Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ 
The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam.

On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt. 
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too.

Hagba Torah Lifts
Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch.
To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling.
 
Kiddish Wrestling
This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. 
You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran.
 
Candy Attacking
At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants.
Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility.

The Carlebach
This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation.
The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time.

The Baby Cry and Carry
This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon.
To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body.

There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat.
Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees.

Announcements 
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis.
 
Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody.
 
We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp.
 
We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes.
It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish...

(Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels.
Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price.
Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer...

(20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah...

(Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system.

Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting...
You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation.

You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong...
What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity.
It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness...

It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative...
H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all.

Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny...

And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff.

Rivka's Rundown
​The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt.
And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling.

The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary.
Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet.

The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf.
I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness.

Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one.
The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie.

The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that.
The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members.

I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.