They don’t let me serve myself at the all you can eat falafel places anymore. I enjoy it too much.
Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, is here and I want to take you to the some of my favorite spots outside the Old City, going towards the entrance of town. I love it all. The history. The immigrants. The movies with Hebrew subtitles. The ancient passport looking thing that pops up at the beginning of the movies. I love it all. In honor of Jerusalem Day, let's connect with some of the places I love in the new Holy City.
Tachana Merkazit Jerusalem is about tradition and that is Jerusalem’s central bus station, the Tachana Merkazit. They have not cleaned it since 1998. You think your favorite store in Israel closed. It's at the Tachana Merkazit; keeping Israeli tradition alive with the chicken-dog hotdog stand and the Tshirt store that sells Tshirts with no thread count. One-time-use only clothing, sold along with disposable plates. The safest place in the city, you'll also notice the extra security setup, to ensure that you miss your bus. Allowing you to enjoy Jerusalem longer. Light Rail I love the new tram and any form of transportation I don’t have to pay for, if I don’t get caught. Shuk Machane Yehuda Prices shouted out loud, I love shopping there. There's no greater feeling than a retailer letting me know what to purchase, by yelling at me. In America, I'm thinking too much, wasting time. I have no idea what vegetable I want. In the Shuk market, they scream at me, I am scared, I buy it. And I'm back home in no time with avocados. Nut Shops Any nut spot. Open nut stands. I'm taking that stuff for free. If you don’t ask, it’s free. There's nothing like the huge peanuts and sunflower seeds. Israel has mastered making sunflower seeds that easily pop out, making for great Shabbat enjoyment. The greatest part of all is that you can spit them out anywhere in the Shuk. Machane Yehuda Bars There's nothing like evening time at Machane Yehuda, when the place turns into one big bar that you're walking through. The only place where it's legal to drink on the street, because the bar is located there. Meah Shearim The streets are thriving. Jewish bookstores are everywhere. I didn’t know so much Judaica could exist. Growing up in Rochester, I thought the glass showcase at the shul was all the Judaica. I didn’t know there was anything more to Jewish art than a Mezuzah in Claymation form. The area is the most lively in the city. Religion in living form. You can feel the hustle, the constant movement, the excitement of people running to find choolent. Choolent twenty-four hours a day. In Meah Shearim, it's Shabbis all week long. It's like Monsey. Pizza Uri Better than Pizza Hut, this place has the ultra-Orthodox Pizza sauce, and they created it. There is nothing like Charedi sauce, and I'm willing to buy pizza to get it. Charedi sauce is a spicy mayonnaise style dunking sauce for the pizza that adds all of the flavor and makes you believe in God. To change Israeli pizza into something that tastes good is a miracle. In addition, Pizza Uri offers separate seating, so I don’t have to worry about spilling the sauce on myself. Amazing. Ben Yehuda A little taste of Israel, if Israelis were American Yeshiva kids. Nothing makes me more excited than walking down a huge sidewalk. Some call it a promenade. I just think of it as a place that cars should not be driving down, because it's illegal. They should have a sign, 'This is a very big sidewalk. We messed up the flow of traffic when we planned this. Don't drive here. Go wait at the light with all the other cars.' Café Rimon Everything else may leave Ben Yehuda, Café Rimon and the one hat store on the top will not. Tradition. The Falafel King I love the name. The sovereignty it claims over its pita. The Shawarma Sultan, The Sabich Ruler, I love restaurants that claim dictatorship. It's still only 10 shekels or so for a falafel, as low prices is how you control the commoners. The Dollar Store I love that all products are five shekels. In The Dollar Store, the dollar went up before the American Dollar Tree ever though to raise the dollar to a buck twenty-five. The Dollar Store gives me hope. That is the best rate you will get. Off The Wall Comedy Theater I perform there. No better time found in all of Jerusalem. Now located at the King Solomon Hotel. The Sidewalks I love it all. I love walking down the sidewalks made of Jerusalem stone, in the spring, when I don’t slip on them. Then, I see the homes made of Jerusalem Stone. I love how our city claimed limestone as ours, scientifically. Yes. I love the whole city. It all looks the same. You love one neighborhood, you love them all. I love anywhere in Jerusalem that has Jerusalem Stone. If there is falafel, there is tradition. To me, that's meaningful. It's the meaning of Jerusalem, the connection with our tradition and Tshirts that come apart when I wash them, that I connect with on Jerusalem Day. I hope that you feel like you're in Jerusalem right now, or Monsey. Tags:
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The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb. Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse. I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai) You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there. To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money. They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives. What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Behar5/20/2022 
Announcements
Couples counseling is now taking place in the shul lobby on Mondays. We ask the Feigenwitzs and the Bergmans to come, to help us explain your messed up children. FA has been meeting in our shul as well. The difference between the meetings is that Families Anonymous is for couples who fight in front of their kids. No parking in shul parking lot on Shabbis. People have become too bold. Now they have reserved spots. They have Shabbis signs. The board discussed it and they decided that driving on Shabbat is forbidden. From now on, you can only park in the parking lot if you pay a parking membership fee. We formed the Death Committee this week. To capitalize on people passing, letters will go out to families around Yahrzeits, with appeal cards inside. Our new 'support the shul so your family member has a chance at going to heaven' committee will also knock on doors the day of Yahrzeits, with appeal cards. Engraved name specific Yizkur candles will also be for sale. They’re a great way to make money. Scented candles optional. Chanel Number 5 will be available for Bubbies. The new funds will help raise money for the in-shul jungle gym, in memory of whoever gives the most money. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… There has been a lot of property fights in our congregation... I know the silver pointer 'Yad' with your name on it is yours, Shlomo... They used it, because you left it on the Shulchan. It was there, right on the table. Stop leaving your stuff around. When it comes to Israel, (Vayikra 25:23) 'the land shall not be sold in perpetuity, because the land is Mine. For you're sojourners and settlers with Me'... In the shul, you're just takers... You are a sojourner in the land. It's H's... Perpetuity here means forever. All the time... You ask me questions in perpetuity... Everything is temporary, except for questions from Fran and Bernie, and Max, and... That's why I've been late to Kiddish. Too many questions in perpetuity... Kiddish is good now. The sisterhood will mess it up. They think Kiddish is theirs... We have to understands that we are sojourners... We have to have the understanding that we are not owners. Temporary residents... They make the best congregants. That's what H' wanted in Israel. Decent congregants. Sojourners. Not people who fight over the rabbi's salary. The land is H's... He says 'Mine' but he shares. You just have to understand that you can't take everything... You take all the kichel at Kiddish and think it's yours. That's why nobody shares with you. That's why nobody asks if you want to cut them at the table... If they asked if you wanted something, you would say 'all of it'... That's why nobody does you favors... You think it's yours. H' shares with people who know it's His... That's why are blessed when the land rests in the seventh year. You wouldn't know... You also don't live in Israel... We have no real home in this world... The Finkelwitz residence is not a house... The shul is not your residence... I know you're parking right at the shul's entrance on Shabbis. That has to stop... I support Families Anonymous. I would rather deal with anonymous people than the Finkelwitzs… I know how bad the kids have it... The parents think they own everything... 'Who broke my remote!!!!' The kids live their too. You can share the remote... Life is about understanding it is not ours... You're sojourners in this shul, so share Kiddish... Your Makom Kavuah has caused so many fights... Share your seat for crying... The shul is not your home... You're sleeping, Bernie... Everything goes back to Him in the Jubilee Year. Yovel... You built a fence on his land. That's wrong... You can't now say it's yours... Stealing over time is still stealing... You squatted on His land. That doesn't mean you own it. If I do bench press in your yard for five years, that doesn't make it my yard. It makes me a bad neighbor... It's God's land. Do you own God... You put your Siddur on his shtender. That's wrong. You have intruded his shtender space... You can't overtake somebody else's land, that is renting from God... I understand it's confusing, because you've inherited everything and you've never been a renter... You get your stuff back in the Jubilee Year... It's a jubilee because finally people aren't ripping you off anymore. Garages aren't taking all your money... (Vayikra 25:14) When you sell stuff or make a purchase 'do not aggrieve one another.' Everytime I talk to the board, I get aggravated. Bad congregants.... You're sojourners... You think it doesn't aggravate him when you steal part of the land... Buyers can be annoying too. They can kill a jubilee… If you understand that it is God’s, and your business dealings are with God, you won’t be a jerk… You charged the shul to honor your grandfather with a Kiddish... You think God doesn't know how to haggle? Try ripping off God... Once you understand that you are settlers without true ownership, you will be living with God... It's His... Your shtender is His... You don’t own a parking spot at the shul… We’re Shomer Shabbis… Just mow your lawn. It's a shanda. There is no jubilee with a lawn like that... Take care of H's lawn... Maybe in the Jubilee Year, you can't mow it in Israel... You're in Topeka... Right now this shul needs a jubilee... A gymboree. All the same... All brings happiness... No jubilee has ever happened at Mike's Garage... If he had a Gymboree… Jubilee has never happened when you thought the Kiddish was yours and then ... Some of that kichel has been around for a jubilee. It's time to get rid of it... The parking lot is H’s... Respect it all. It’s all H’s… Treat it well. Understand that it's not yours and you shouldn't treat it like your lawn... And a slave. A Jewish slave must be sent free… Again. Not yours. It’s all H’s. You don’t own people… Merv pays very well. Those people aren’t leaving the shoe business… How else do you steal... You steal my time. Maybe you can rest from questions... Rivka’s Rundown Everybody was safe on Lag BaOmer. They stayed away from the kids, with their bows and arrows. Once the rabbi told everybody about the bows and arrows and bonfires tradition, the elderly stayed inside. They really are bold. Some of the members have been parking right in front of shul. Right near the door. The Seder at the rabbi's house had ten cars outside. Bold as anything. Even parked at the fire hydrant. He invited the congregants and it turned into a religious protest at his house. They even rang the bell. Squatting on H’s land was taken to heart by many, who thought it was a brilliant idea. I noticed that the parents of the kids who made the bonfire in back of the shul have set up a tent. The rabbi decreed that they pay for two Shabbat parking spots. My neighbor is squatting on my land. Why does he need to make things awkward? He's not even a congregant. People purchasing can be annoying. I've been trying to sell stuff on Ebay. They ask questions. Anybody who asks a question is not buying. The rabbi doesn't allow congregants to do business anymore with other members. He said, 'I know the congregants are annoying. Dealing with them in business, even as customers, will just aggrieve... David can't buy a thing without asking every question...' We decided to have a yearly jubilee. People were happy for a week, and then the jubilee became regular. Now everybody is back to complaining. The death committee is like the death lineup. A lot of people are cheering for them, as the NBA season comes to a close. A lot of death talk. They're very good at talking about people dying. Every conversation with them, death. I have a hard time hearing about death constantly. Everybody I talk to, 'Did you hear. She's dead... Great people. Dead... Great falafel store. He died...' I hope they're bringing in good money to the shul. 'She used to donate tons... Dead.' I heard that too. The rabbi started paying people to not be members. Members think they own everything. The Makom Kavuah just makes everyone uncomfortable. They don't share the seats at shul. All they do is kick people out of them. These people think they own those chairs. One member took their chair home and said, 'Not till the next Jubilee.' The rabbi then went on to say what members are thieves. He also went on to say which couples need couple counseling, and which families need Families Anonymous, explaining which children are wrong. He used the word 'wrong' to define the kids. Which might have led to more insecurity. The rabbi got an oil change and the garage overcharged him, five weeks ago. He's still mad about it. Everytime he goes to the garage, he works it into his sermon for a few months. A lot of anger. Every time he uses the word 'Rasha,' evil person, he's talking about his mechanic. As he mentioned in the sermon, mechanics are thieves as well. They think your car is theirs and they sojourn on it by ripping you off. The rabbi told Mike to get a Gymboree. Now people love going to Mike’s Garage, and they are happy getting ripped off. The rabbi has mixed up the shul seating chart so people can't kick guests out of seats anymore. It's uncomfortable. Even I got kicked out of my seat, when I accidently wore a big hat one day and they thought I was Mrs. Nafkowitz. Now, people finding their seats has turned into a very long activity. There's no signage, just a piece of paper with a shul chart. But you can't tell if it's the left or right side of the shul. People asking others if their seat is correct is fine. The way the men in the back left used to talk during Layning, you can hear the Torah reading better now. And it's very personable. It's like an icebreaker mixer every Shabbis, with a bunch of married people. Whoever made the chart for June third has caused a lot of fighting and aggravation. When asked about changing back to seats, so people can feel comfortable praying in a spot they are used to, to find their Kavanah (connection and focused meaning in prayer), the rabbi said he is resting this year from any questions from congregants. He also expressed how happy he is, and that is jubilating to not have to listen to congregants' questions or complaints. The rabbi was very clear that all questions from congregants are complaints. Our congregants have some wild untamed grass growing in their yards. If our congregants start to think they're sojourners, they'll never mow their lawns. Some these apartments are also a wreck. The rabbi's message of not being yours is not going to sell to the renters. As the sisterhood has started to tell me about Kiddish, ‘It’s up to H’ to do it.’ With the amount of grass, I wouldn't even call them lawns. They're fields. Small .1 acre fields, with a house somewhere in there. Tags:
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Scene 1
INT - BASKETBALL STADIUM - NIGHT Rushing to their seats. Entering the stadium. Shlomo: Got to get to our seats. We don't want to miss anything. They sit down. Seats are high and far from the center of the court, behind the Hapoel basketball bench area. Not great seats. Shlomo: Do you see? Mike: Kind of hard. The seats are a bit far from the court. Shlomo: Amar'e Stoudemire is wearing Tzitzis. Mike: Seriously???!!! He's wearing a Kippah. This is amazing. Kippah and Tzitzis. This is the best game I've ever been at. We see Amar'e sitting on the bench with Tzitzis and a Kippah, in nice clothes (not a jersey). Shlomo: Did Hapoel just score? Mike: I have no idea. Amar'e put up his feat. He's wearing Shabbis shoes. (Mike cont'd) Why is Amar'e not playing? Shlomo: You can't play in his Tzitzis. Mike: I get it. Fans jump out of their seats and start cheering. Some of the fans are jumping right in front of Mike and Shlomo. Fans Cheering: Hapoel Oleh Oleh Oleh. Hapoel Oleh. (Fans continue cheering) Shlomo: Did Amar'e just kiss his Tzitzis? Mike: I don't know. I think said a Bracha on Gatorade. Fan 1: Hapoel Aloofim. Zeeh best. Mike (to Fans in front of them): Please sit. Fan 2: I'm not even sitting in front of you. Mike is looking towards the bench. Not the court. Mike: You're obstructing our view. We can't see Amar'e. Please move. Shlomo: Yeah. He's right there. Scootch. Fans Cheering: Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach. Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoyoy... Shlomo: This is the best game I've ever been to. Mike: A religious experience. The fans are walking out. Hapoel Jerusalem fans are all cheering. Mike: Did Hapoel win? Shlomo: I have no idea. Amar'e had Tzitzis and Kippah. Mike: Those were great seats. I would even pay to see him stand. Mike turns to random fan. Mike: Did Hapoel win? Fan 3: I came to see Amar'e. Shlomo: Great game. Fan 3: I know. Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY Rabbi is giving Shabbis sermon and everybody is listening. Shlomo and Mike are sitting in shul. Rabbi: And we are commanded to return to H.' It was the most inspirational thing I had ever seen. Amar'e Stoudemire had a yarmulke on. Random Congregant: Did he play? Rabbi: No. But he was sitting there with a yarmulke. Shlomo: Inspirational. Mike: I know. They walk over to the rabbi as the rabbi takes his seat. Mike: That sermon really touched me. Kibbitzer Conclusion It's more exciting to see Amar'e Stoudemire with a Kippah, on the bench, than to see him playing basketball. Jews would pay thousands for front row seats to see an NBA player that's Jewish. It's almost as exciting as hearing somebody say 'Good Shabbis' on TV. It's about the religious experience. And most of the fans at the game missed davening Mariv with a Minyan. Tags:
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Interviews of Jews: Hatzalah Guy5/18/2022 
The only one I trust is the guy on the left. He's an original Hatzalah guy. He's got the keys and the walkie talkie holder. (photo: hatzalah.org)
Shalom
Nu. Vismachta. Why such a big keychain? I joined Hatzalah in the '80s. Why the pager and the walkie-talkie? I have a belt. And I joined Hatzalah in the '80s. What was it like when you first joined? It was the heyday of Hatzalah. Great times. Tons of sickness. Always busy. Always running. How did the saving lives at Hatzlalah start for you? In the '80s, we didn't have enough vans. Not many vans. Just pagers. So what did you do? We walked everywhere. We got a page and we started walking. How long did it take? To find the payphone? That depended on if you were in the suburbs or not. How did that affect people? They had to breath longer. They had to hold on. That was the term we used. 'Hold on.' How did that help? How did it work? We would keep the family member on the phone, from central office. The phone operator would say 'hold on.' They would then say, 'The person will be there soon. He's walking. Hold on.' If it was a serious case, they would say, 'He'll walk over right when he's finished with dinner. Hold on.' How did people take that? They appreciated it. They all have families. Eating with the family comes first. Do you enjoy it more now, or was it better in the '80s? The '80s. Back then I was part of something. We were a team. We walked everywhere together. It was a good way to get exercise too. The only way I get exercise now is running to the van. Where's the van? At my house. Do you feel the Hatzalah guys are in better shape than the average Jewish male? Yes. We save them. How did you feel when you started? So cool to drive on Shabbis. So. You've always wanted to drive on Shabbis? Yeah. But I couldn't until I started saving lives. First call after we got a van, I was the driver. Amazing. They wanted to put me in Chairim. They were saying, 'Look at that Jew driving on Shabbis. A shanda. Excommunicate him.' Then they said I was a Tzadik. Driving on Shabbis and being a righteous individual, it doesn't get better than that. How did their minds change so quick? I saved the rabbi's father. How do they know you're saving lives? The keychain. You carried the keychan even on Shabbis? You had to. That was the uniform. Walkie-talkie, pager and keychain. This way they knew you were a Hatzalah guy coming to save them. Why not just tell them you were there to help? When you have payis, they don't think you know CPR. They hear the keys clinging and they know they're safe. But they have shirts at Hatzalah now. I'm a traditionalist. This way they know I'm a real Hatzalah man. They feel more comfortable when they see the keys. What do you use them for? My house. You car? No. That's a digital key. Any calls for Lag BOmer this year? Fires everywhere. Did you help out with those? No. I was with my family. The kids had off from school. Did any Hatzalah guys take calls that day? I hope. I'm not sure. They all have families. Why so many fires? It's the Heelulah of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yoachai. The yahrzeit. Bonfires are like big yahrzeit candles. But why not contain them, at a safe place in the park? The parks department doesn't allow that anymore, after last year. The kids burned down the field. So, the kids started fires in their homes. Why not use a firepit? Do you think they had firepits back when Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai was living? Do you think they had Hatzalah? Oh shoot. I have to go. Conclusion No call came in. He looked at his pager and ran. I think he uses that pager to get out of talking to people. When he's had enough of a conversation, he says he has to save a life. Michel is a very impassioned man. Yet, I still have no idea what he does for people. I think he helps people when he isn't hungry or watching a show with his kids. I hope he saved somebody. He is truly not in good shape. Michel has a gut. I can only imagine how much kugel the other guys he is saving are eating. I am guessing that most of his calls come from dinner. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Emor5/13/2022
Announcements
We understand the excitement of being called to the Torah, but high-fiving the guy getting an Aliyah is not allowed anymore. It has to be a handshake. There has been cheering and yells of 'you're the man' by Tuvi. It disturbs the Mi Shebeyrachs for sick people and it's now considered forbidden. Acceptable phrases are 'Shabbat Shalom,' Yasher Koyach,' or 'Chazak uBaruch.' It's at a point where the older congregants are scared. The rabbi wants to note that pride is OK. Yet, we must keep in mind the guy with the Aliyah is doing nothing. The guy who read the Torah did all the work. Even so, you can still wish a Yasher Koyach to the guy who did nothing, to bring some undeserved pride. Lag BOmer bonfire will take place with the fire department's consent, only in the park's fire pit, due to last year's home burning and illegal protest. We've met with city council and explained that it was not a protest, just incapable people. The rabbi explained our congregation to them, and they understand. The shul softball game for God will take place next Sunday. Shul rule: No hitting Sadie in the middle of the Amidah, even if you're worried she passed out, due to her eyes being closed and snoring. It is her way of following the teachings of Chana. Chana did not fall asleep, as she wasn't eighty-five. More rules to come next week. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy Congregants… Yes. There are limitations. You can't eat all the kugel at Kiddish. It's not right... You have to sometimes not do what you want to... The shul has rules in place to keep Hymie from telling jokes... (Vayikra 21:1-2) H' tells Moshe to tell the Kohens 'he shall not contaminate to anybody among his people, except for a relative that is closest to him...' This means his wife (Rashi)... I understand you're not close to your wife. We've talked about this... The Minkowitz family has to work on their relationship. They have many Netflix fights with the big TV... They also fight over Amazon shows. Good question. We talked about you playing the news to bring you together... You are old. Old people watch the news... Who is closer? Your cousin?... I understand you're friends, and you shared a room at the Kosher Convention. But you can't... You can. You're not even a Kohen. A Kohen can only become Tamei (impure) for parents, childrens, siblings... Yes. His wife... It's his wife... Even if they are married, they are close. I understand they hate each other. They are close in hate... Very similar in hate. Hate brings a marriage together... It speaks in singular to everybody, because each person has to do it... Each person has to be holy... I know you like to throw off your responsibilities on the Kohens... That's their family name. They're not Kohens... I know it's confusing... You can go to the Shiva. Kohens can go to a Shiva. You're not a Kohen Frank... Laziness is not the calling of the Kohen... You're not a Kohen, but you do need a better hairstyle… (21:5) ‘They shall not make a bald spot on their heads…’ I understand it’s natural. It still looks bad. Lag BOmer is coming up. Get a haircut… You should shave it to a one. Camouflage your bald.. I get you're not a Kohen, but you shouldn't do what you enjoy... Don't be you. To be holy, you need limitations... That also means not going with a harlot... I understand you're not a Kohen. Doesn't mean you should not be close to your spouse... We need to get rid of stuff... We must throw it in the fire this Lag BOMer. The Feinblum art exhibit... Let's get rid of our non-holiness. We all serve God... No. You can't go around asking for people's tithes... You're not a Kohen Frank... Be holy... We're supposed to be a holy community... Do what is right. Get a decent haircut. Go to the Shiva houses. Share Kiddish. Get an Aliyah and don't have an ego about it. Let Sadie daven without hitting her... You don't have to be a Kohen to not be a fool... Rivka’s Rundown The Kosher Convention was amazing last year. They even had Kosher food. It was exciting to go to a hotel and have Kosher food. That was the event. Kosher food in a hotel. Two years ago they had a scholar-in-residence. He killed the good times. So many complaints came in, as was said, 'We could've been eating.' We have to change names of people in our congregation. It’s getting confusing. We have the Kohens that are Israelites. We have the Levis which are Kohens. We have the McDougals that are Jews. The don't be you part of the Sermon really touched everybody, especially the singles. It really got them thinking about why they're single. At Kiddish, Chanan discussed this with his table and came to the conclusion that it was because he was him. The idea of 'not being you' helped with many marriages as well. I hope the other members got the message of responsibility. Otherwise, they still won’t pay their dues. Limitations. Community is about limiting yourself so that other people can get to the Kiddish table too. The problem is that they think that since they're not Kohens, they can take all the good danish, kugel and kichel. With Lag BOmer coming up, the rabbi should've spoke about limitations of how big the fire should be. Last year it was not under control. I hope that the new Boy Scouts troop at the shul learned how to contain a fire. Other than last year’s burning fiasco, the burning of Chametz caused a town hazardous smoke warning. Apparently, burning plastic bags is not wanted in our town. We learned a lot about haircuts during the sermon. The rabbi brought up messed up hairstyles, and then focused on Michael for fifteen minutes. The rabbi went through the whole right ladies section and back left mens section, to show how haircuts can make you look bad. The shul softball game was messed up. It was a non-relaxing community get together. More family fights took place there than at Kiddish. The ball was thrown in the Lag BOmer fire out of anger, which caused more family fights. Next year, husbands and wives will be on different teams. We have realized that being against each other causes for less hatred than being with each other. We threw out a lot of stuff into the bonfire. The shul bonfire was amazing. We burned the table cloth donated by the Feldmans. We burned the candy wrappers the parents don't clean up after their kids. We burned the chair and books that the Zeldman family dropped off, because they didn't want them in their house. It looked like a protest. The Zeldmans were not happy they didn't get a tax write off for dropping their garbage off at the shul. Couple counseling is starting in the shul. The focus will be to not be you. The therapy sessions will focus on being like the Bergsteins and not the Minkowitzs. The Bergsteins are a happy family, as Mr. Bergstein is usually out of town on business. Many people are asking for support to be able to attend the counseling, and to vacation away from family, to help with Jewish family unity. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album IX5/12/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.
People have got to keep it down around here... Why we have to tell people they're resting. Some consideration. Please! Keep it quiet. People are sleeping. Whatever parties you’re running around these parts, it’s inconsiderate. Keep it down.
Ten masks for the plagues, and not one of them helps with COVID... The frog isn't very scary. If Kermit was a plague, I can understand why the Egyptians didn't want to let us go.
That's how you celebrate the ending of Pesach... You throw out all the plastic plates. It's a Mitzvah. Frum Jews understand that disposable utensils and dishes are part of the Mitzvah of Pru uRvu, to be fruitful and multiply. When you have that many kids, you don't clean plates.
Oleh style is the clothes you made Aliyah in. I know some of these people, and they're still wearing the same shirts fifteen years later. Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years, as seen by their unwillingness to purchase new clothes since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. Thus, Olim are fine purchasing it in Israel. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
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Lag BOmer: Why The Bow and Arrow5/11/2022 
This is why Jewish summer camp is dangerous. And the counselor is just standing there watching. (Photo: iaujc.org/choosing-jewish-summer-camp - these parents chose the dangerous one)
Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death.
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time. No Rainbows Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers. Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too. No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them. When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. Bows Are All The Same The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire. Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch. Ideas for Childhood Danger As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi: Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it. Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time. Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen. Have them eat with their mouths open. Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves. Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger. Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire. Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want. Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires. If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking. In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows. If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave. Take Away The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Kedoshim5/6/2022
Announcements
Yom HaAtzmaut was a success in Israel. The programs there were good. We can forget about our town's blue and white falafel fiasco. The community will stay away from eating Israeli flags in the future. It's offensive to Jews. No bothering the doctors in the middle of davening. Please, wait till Kiddish. We appreciate people coming to shul to avoid visits to doctors’ offices and copays. To answer Rivka's question, during Torah reading, it is also not proper, as some of the doctors try to not interrupt services, like the men in the back left. Only ask about your child’s illness at Kiddish. It's common courtesy. The in-shul jungle gym will hopefully bring more kids to the shul. The idea is to get them here. We don’t care if they’re inside or davening. We want them at shul and outside of it. We will also have a weekly Shabbat freeze tag game during services. The ark will be used as base, for reasons of Chinuch. We want the kids to love shul, and the only way to do that is for them to not daven. We will continue to host Zoom classes for those who don't want to be in shul. It's clear that you are happy not being around community. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy Humans… Be holy. Is it that hard??? I know we have a pingpong table in the lobby... (Vayikra 19:2) H' tells Moshe to gather us and tells us to be holy. Why?... Have you ever tried getting a Minyin? It's impossible. You delegate that. You need people out there knocking on doors. Phone chains... People will do anything to get out of coming to shul... They're still using COVID... We do prayers for health every Shabbat. They can come and pray for health. The members are not committed to being holy... We have to be holy... No. I am not saying Bernie is Holy. We have to be holy (Vayikra 19:2) 'for holy I am, H' your Gd.' Why are we holy? H' is. That's the reason. No other reason. It's not because you get better deals at Costco. A Mitzvah to be like H'... Holy. That means don’t be like Bernie. It does not mean to gather people and go on a hike... If you're saying Brachas on the hike... And then we have to fear our parents and keep Shabbat. Why? (Vayikra 19:3) 'I am H' your Gd.' You would do nothing... Chaim doesn't even do his homework... Because H’ doesn’t tell him… His parents tell him, but he doesn't fear them... He doesn't fear Gd either. If Gd told him, he would do it... Gd has a scary, very forceful voice. You do what He tells you. Parents are the messengers. Like Moshe. Telling you to do homework, Chaim... All the hard work, H' sends messengers. Don't worship idols. Why? (19:4) 'I am H' your Gd.' You guys would be moltening everything… Art is questionable… H’ does art. Interpretive… You don’t even look at Rashi. You interpret stuff… It’s messed up. It’s not holy. Your interpretation of respect is good. Look at the commentaries every once in a while. Not everything is art. Deciding if you're going to keep Shabbat and fear your parents is not art… Idols don’t tell you to keep Shabbat… Being holy? There's an art to that. You leave stuff on your fields for the poor and you deal honestly with people. Why? H' is our Gd... You would leave nothing on your field. I've been over for Shabbis lunch. Dr. Minkowitz. You and your kids leave no leftovers... We don't mess up, because H' is our Gd. You don't lose an inter-shul choolante contest, again... It's a Chilul H.' You're profaning... How many times does He have to tell us, that He is H' our Gd?... If you listened the first time, Fran... If it was up to you, you would take whatever you could. (Vayikra 19:13-14) You don't cheat and you don't rob. You don't curse deaf people... I know they can't hear... H' hears. H' hears you talking during my sermon. You don't put stumbling blocks in front of blind people. And you don't do that thing where you get down on your knees behind somebody so they trip over you... They can't see it, Chaim... 'Fear Gd' We can't trust your judgment. You guys think the kick me sign is funny... It's because we have to be holy... Like Gd... And we have to fear Gd... Without fear, you wouldn't even come to shul. When would you be holy? If you didn't fear Gd, you would vote to keep the shul president... He doesn't fear Gd. That's why he's president... Fear of Gd keeps us right. It reminds us to be like H’, because He is holy. You don't mess up judgment. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Rebuke if you must. Love your neighbor as yourself. 'I am H."' These are commandments... Not from the shul president. From Gd. Who can strike you down and kill your crops. Destroy your house... Storms... Now. Are you going to keep the Mitzvot? Are you going to come to shul on time? Are you going to gather now?... Moshe tried using that, but they didn't fear Gd yet... Gd didn't tell them to fear Him yet... You come to shul... COVID isn't an excuse. Health is an excuse. You run at the JCC... Why is COVID not an excuse for the JCC... You're supposed to run to shul... Not in shul. H' doesn't run in shul. We do it? Because H'. If we followed Sam, this congregation would consider it holy to hit the casino every Tuesday... You can catch COVID there too, Sam. If you feared Gd you would be in shul, even on Tuesdays... You need fear. That's why we're going to start yelling at you when you show up to shul late. No excuses. That's how you are holy. You do good with no excuses, even if you're sitting next to Bernie... You gather with people and you make sure to not be like them... Jungle gyms cause kids to fear Gd. Ever been up on the slide ladder with fifteen kids? You fear for your life... Violence. And then going down the slide, you can burn... Drawing kids with jungle gym. That's the new shul plan... Other things to draw kids? Weekly magic performances. Prizes... Like an arcade. No shul or Torah activities. That won't draw them... We need the arcade to instil fear... A casino can also instil fear of losing all their money... That's why you leave a corner of your field... Be holy. We’re now going to make Kiddish… To remember Shabbat… You keep holy like H' by eating the middle of your field, and gathering with people... So, be in shul. Rivka’s Rundown This message was given to the people who are in shul. That part was confusing. The rabbi's been giving great messages of not to be like Bernie and Sam. We really learn a lot from them. COVID is the congregants' excuse for everything. Can't call parents because of COVID. The local kosher kitchen's got bad lettuce because of COVID. Drinks on tap are not working, because of COVID. No service because of COVID. We call it a kitchen, because it's a charity now. It's a soup kitchen for people who keep kosher and can't find their food anywhere. Never heard Samantha say she can't go to the supermarket or miniature golfing because of COVID. The rabbi started using Gd a bit too much. To win any discussion, he started saying, 'Gd says...' and everybody agreed. It was like Simon Says, but the rabbi got a new house because of it. Chaim started doing his homework, in fear that he would be struck dead by Gd. With the help of Gd, the rabbi finally got votes at the board meeting, for the shul bouncer idea, to stop people from talking during his sermon, to hold them off if they drank too much at Kiddish club for Musaf pre-gamming, and to not lose anymore inter-shul softball games. The jungle gym in shul did ruin my focus a few times, as did the running around. One kid hid under my siddur for hide and go seek. To instill fear and help make the congregation holy, the rabbi put together a few shul goons to yell at people when they show up late. The new shul Saturday morning bootcamp program has helped reform many of the congregants to people who show up on time, due to fear that Shmulik will hurt them. With the fear of Shmulik and Gd, our congregants have been better Jews recently. At least the ones the come to shul. The ones that don't have too much fear to come now. Tags:
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Itzhak Perlman in his biggest moment. Playing a baseball game with a four string violin. If one of those strings broke, beer would've been thrown right at him. (Photo: Wikipedia)
Not a rebbe of Torah, but Itzhak Perlman is a rebbe of violin. We learn lessons from Itzhak Perlman's violin playing. It's like learning Torah, without Torah. You get to create the moral Torah lesson, even if it's not Torah. Kind of like a sermon.
This is about the famous show where Itzhak Perlman had a string pop on him in the middle of a performance. He should've fired the string guy. He didn't. That's the first lesson I learned from the story. Don't hold your staff accountable, and they will stick around. People have asked me, 'Was he doing staccato?' 'Was he smacking the thing with the horse hair bow?' 'Was he angry at the conductor, and did he try hit him with the instrument?" All I know is a string popped. That's the story. That's what he's known for. I heard he is good at violin too. But he's known for the string. Side Note that Adds to the Story: To see Itzhak Perlman walk on stage is a spectacle. He was stricken with polio as a child and walks on stage with leg braces and crutches. Seeing him walk across the stage with calculated steps is a sight. Some people go to his show just to see that. In the lobby, you can hear them, 'Paid two-hundred dollars. What a walk?! Amazing.' That night, nobody cared about overcoming polio, and becoming one of the greatest violinists the world has seen. There was a broken string. Broken strings are a true sight. When they pop. Wow. That's inspiration. The string popped. I don't know which string it was. I am guessing it was the E. You say hello to that string and it pops. He didn't leave the stage and nobody brought him another string. At that point, he should've fired the whole crew. They all saw it, and just stood there. After a brief moment, he continued playing. He realized nobody was going to help him. They all saw him walking on stage, and yet, nobody did anything. After noticing that nobody was going to help, and it was going to take a good half hour to get off the stage, to fix his violin, he said, 'The hell with it. I'm going to just continue the thing.' He knew it wasn't time for the intermission yet, and if he got off the stage the audience would complain and Kvetch the whole night. So, he went on. The orchestra did nothing. They just stood there and stared at him. They were all trying to figure out if he would go all the way back off the stage. As one of the viola players said, 'We waited a sonata for him to get to his seat. Is he going to make us wait again?!' Viola players are very snobby. They think they're better, because they have bigger instruments. To quote, 'My violin is bigger, and thus I am better.' As the viola players took bets, Itzhak Perlman kept on playing. All were amazed. His mother wasn't impressed. She was noted as saying, 'He still has to practice. He still doesn't know how to tune the thing right.' It was to everyone’s amazement that Itzhak Perlman kept playing that violin, when a concerto cannot be played with only three strings. And all who were at that show were amazed, and wanted their money back. The fact that Itzhak Perlman didn't know that a concerto needs four strings was very bothersome. One columnist let it be known, 'He's a professional. He should know that a concerto needs four strings.' As the complaints came in, it turned out that many felt like they got ripped off, not being able to see Itzhak Perlman with a full violin. To quote, 'That was the most amazing show I've ever seen. It will be talked about for generations. Sermons will be given for generations about this inspirational performance. Great to be there. We loved it. We will never see a show this great again. Priceless. We want our money back. We paid for a four string violin performance.' Back to what happened on the stage. Itzhak Perlman continued that concert, thinking nobody would ask for money back. He played with more passion than ever. That's what anger can do. Nobody coming out and helping him, he was mad. A bunch of yutzes. It was a show put on from the soul. He had to recompose the piece in his head, to make it all fit into three strings. Ever tried doing bar chords on a guitar? This was harder. He even had to retune strings in the middle, to make new sounds. The orchestra was trying to figure out what to do, as they had already tuned their instruments. The crowd loves hearing instruments being tuned; that's why I go to the orchestra. I love hearing them tune. All with three strings, Itzhak Perlman put on a passionate and uplifting performance. Can you imagine if he played with that much passion on four strings. His mother went on, 'He should learn to play a four string violin.' At the end of the show, to huge cheers, he said, ‘You know, sometimes it is the artist’s task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left.' He should've continued, 'My staff that didn't help. They're all fired.' And the audience members used that as an excuse to get their money back, pointing out that not everything was at the performance. And rabbis have been giving sermons ever since. Lessons of What Followed People will never help you. No matter how bad you have it. They won't lift a finger. Not one person came to help him with the violin. In the whole theater, not one decent soul. I hope he didn't play that town again. His mother continued, 'If he would put in that much effort with a four string violin he would be a something.' Much of the audience said they didn't connect with his message. One woman in the back said, 'I'm not an artist. I work in the medical health field.' Another guy said, 'I play guitar. I don't play violin. I'm not an artist.' Another young lady said, 'I don't know.' She didn't finish college. After the show, many said he's not an artist. He is a violinist. Since then, in his later years, he has made it a point to prove them wrong and has taken up painting, sculpting and graffiti. Lesson: The only way people will pay for your art is when you're gone. Since this inspirational performance, support for polio research has gone down. Support for violins and the needs of the Suzuki method has grown immensely. Much money has been raised for research to make the neck brace more comfortable for violinists. The head of the research center for softer violin neck holders is quoted as saying, 'This. The neck. The way you have to turn it and contort. This is an epidemic.' They went on to explain why violinists are always looking to the left, even at dinner parties. Rabbis have been using this 'how much music you can still make with what you have left' since. It has especially inspired those Bar Mitzvah kids who mess up the Torah reading and their families, letting their parents know that this is what the Jewish people have left. As the rabbi of my shul said after Yankel read the Torah, 'We have to do the best we can with what we just saw. It won't be easy, but it's what our people have left.' Quoted more than Moshe telling Paroh to let the Jews out, three sermons a year are based around this story in every congregation. What making music means? Nobody knows. Sermons are more meaningful when they're not understood. Without the broken string story Itzhak Perlman would be a nothing. Nobody cares about the violining. They especially don't care about overcoming polio. It's the string that popped. I am changing this story to 'His String That Wasn't,' about a guitar player who ran on stage. That's more meaningful. ***To fact check the story, please see https://www.atime.org/chizuk/with-whats-left/ Tags:
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Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years. A few of them have not purchased new shirts since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good. Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives. Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats. Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period. Immigrant by Clothes Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs. Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Achrei Mot4/29/2022
Announcements
The Israel Parade has been cancelled due to too many Jews being together. According to our city council, it's illegal to celebrate Israel. The council said Jews being happy and anti-Semitism wasn't the reason. To quote the mayor, 'Due to corona, we don't want to see Jews on the streets.' Yizkur this Pesach did not raise enough money. The Yizkur appeal didn't pull in the money we were expecting. Families don't care about the deceased as much anymore. The board decided that the shul needs to make more money off death. If the shul doesn't pull more funds with the appeal on the High Holidays we may start skipping Yizkur. The shul dinner doesn't pull enough money, so it's been decided to focus our fundraising on plaques and Shivas. Rewarding death with is medallions form is a good focus . After much discussion, the board voted to not ask for past payments of unpaid dues at people's Shivas. To celebrate Israel, this Yom HaAtzmaut we will host a vote. Israelis love voting, and thus the rabbi had the idea to vote to get rid of our shul president. The community event will have falafel made by Sima's Pastry Shop. It will be a chocolate falafel theme. That was the closest we could come to Israeli food with the limited restaurant resources. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy Pack… H' tells to Moshe to tell Aharon… Would you want to be the one to have to tell him to not light strange fires, after his children were killed because of a strange fire?!... Yes. H’ is smart. He is all knowing… You don’t want to deal with those emotions… Talking about sibling rivalry. This can be a cause… ‘Now you’re rubbing it in, Moshe? What kind of brother… Not even a “I extend my condolences”... It's just like when you got the good staff’... It's bold. It's like telling somebody their family member is gone, and they died because they did something wrong, so don't make that mistake. It's exactly that... But Aharon was a good man. He took it well... Yes. He loved his sons... Nadav and Avihu were good kids. You don't bring foreign fires... This isn't an immigration issue, Lisa... People listen after their children are killed. That's why we discussed fundraising at Shivas... The Mafia has taken this lesson to heart... Rashi (VaYikra 16:1) When a doctor tells you to not eat a radish or to sleep in a damp place it doesn’t mean anything. If he says, don’t do it, because you will die like Ploni… The best way to practice medicine is to injure people… We have to learn from people messing up. Never be like Ploni. Ploni ruins everything he touches… Don’t be like the board… Just don’t be like the board… Don’t be like Bernie… He's annoying. Bernie eats radishes too... A little harsh to kill his kids for the lesson, but teachers do what they have to. And that is why our day school needs more injuries. Parents have to stop caring about their kids so much... Safety is why the next generation is getting hurt... You learn from the past... The back left doesn't... You guys showed up to the Yom HaAtzmaut party drunk last year. And you're drunk now... You just got back from Kiddish Club. That means drunk... It was a bouncy house party... There were three year olds... We have to learn from the past and what people do wrong. Ira messed up his business. We can all learn from that... His store went down the tubes. We should learn from Ira and never open a store focused on candy bars. Convenience stores should have milk and eggs, Ira… We know people eat candy bars, but it’s not convenient when breakfast is a Twix… Michelle. Don’t be like Fran and Thelma… Don’t fight over who’s husband is better… Both of their husbands were not that great… When they said ‘it’s your side’ it was the husband’s sides in those families… The Bentawitz brothers always fighting… The board messed up the fundraiser and I believe every event last year. They killed every single holiday celebration… Purim Piñata event was messed up… The adults were drunk. They took a bat and whacked a kid… Yom HaAtzmaut… There were kids. You pre-gamed a bouncy house. It's wrong. Pizza is not an Israeli dish… It’s falafel and shawarma... You guys could've killed somebody. Which is pointless, because the shul is making nothing off that nowadays... Many holy people have passed away. May we learn from the past and give money to the shul. The community Yom HaShoa program, like Yizkur, was not well attended… Let us first connect with the past and get people to shul… Rivka’s Rundown That was the rabbi’s last-ditch effort to raise money off death. At the end, the rabbi talked about caring about the deceased. He realized that people have to start to care. They have no connection or care. The rabbi sees us as a pack. We're a group. A group that has failed at putting together a decent Yom HaAtzmaut program. I think we're more of a herd. The message of learn from the congregants, don’t be like them, was well received by the congregants. I eat Twix for breakfast. To be honest, I think Ira sold me on that. He's onto something. Though, it would be nice if he had milk. Twix and milk is good. We're watching over the kids too much nowadays. Shabbat youth groups is more attended by parents. I believe they are now calling it a beginners Minyin for parents who are coming to shul for the free babysitting. Now we can’t even have an Yom HaAtzmaut event this year. I think the city council heard about the chocolate falafel balls, and said that they can’t allow this event to happen. They didn't want to make it an anti-chocolate-falafel-Semite think, so they just said, 'No Jews gathering.' WHJI will be having a public gathering. We Hate Jews in Israel said that Jews can come, as they need a target for the dunking booth. The board really does mess up every holiday. Brisket on Yom HaAtzmaut was also messed up. Though it was a legitimate mistake. It is a Jewish holiday. The rabbi didn’t mention the parade, because he also doesn’t like the idea of chocolate falafel balls. Began is turning over in his grave and asking why the membership doesn't give money to Israel. Much of the membership is thinking of starting their own committee of people who give money to nothing. They are now meeting every week, as it is hard to turn away death. As the rabbi said, 'May all of the holy people who have passed and gone to Olam Haba, have an arising of their soul. We thank all the Kedoshim and the soldiers who gave their lives to sanctify God's Name and to bring holiness to this earth, even if their family gives nothing to the shul.' Tags:
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A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear.
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.' The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool. Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question. 'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof. They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors. The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people. Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.' The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater. Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals. They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm. 'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it. Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.' Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.' They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray. Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year. The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it. Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued. And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach. 'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens. After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song. After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat. Epilogue The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school. The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack. Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore. What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray. The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil. It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. Tags:
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Flag on the car. Classic.
Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration?
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. Salt Water You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there. If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land. Go to the Park The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house. Play Football on a Basketball Court Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal. Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics. Skip Work No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord. Wave Israeli Flags Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political. If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there. If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety. Sit in Traffic You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour. Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper. Israeli Dancing The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community. Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence. For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak. If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent. Shpritz People With Stuff Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well. The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids. Say Hallel If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this. Vote Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it. Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much. Eat Falafel Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day. Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel. If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill. Tags:
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Pesach is next week. Don't forget it like you did the Freidberg Shiva. Sell your Chametz. You don’t need a yard sale this year. Fill out the sheet at the shul and cover it in your home. The yard sales last year, of pasta noodles, was pathetic. It had the whole of Topeka asking why Jews can't donate food to the pantry, like decent humans. Let's keep our leftover food sales private, to lessen anti-Semitism. No dropping off your Chametz at the shul. There are Jews in the shul too. We understand you want your stuff out of your house. We don't want it. Please also stop dropping off books and pans you don't want anymore. Shabbat HaGadol Drasha will be long. The Shabbat visit sing-alongs to the nursing homes are now required to have participants under the age of eighty. Last time the shul visited, the facility was worried that too many new people were looking to be admitted. They said they couldn't handle such an influx, and they didn't want Bernie there. Rabbi Mendlechm’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy People… I’m feeling impurity. Like an uncleanliness in the back left of the shul… It just smells really bad… Pesach is coming. The least you can do is shower… A lot of nasty talk about others… It's called Lashon Hara, Bernie. We understand that Fran has not done well by the Kiddish, and Mark and Menachem are still fighting over who is better at leading Shacharit. We don’t talk about others, even if our youth director is scaring the kids… Menachem is better for scaring people into saying Ya’aleh vYavo. He does bang harder. It’s still Lashon Hara, even if we all have to watch over the youth director like a hawk, to make sure our kids are safe… Though, all the kids did say Ya'aleh vYavo. How do we become pure?... First. You stop talking. You have to ask how you got Tzara’at. Lashon Hara is probably it. Sitting in the back left is how you get Tzara'at… Ask how your home grew that mold on the shingles… And soap. Use soap to clean for Pesach... (Vayikra 14:2-7) The one who received Tzara’at comes to the Kohen on the day of his purification. There are birds slaughtered... He's not going for a question. It's not a planned thing. People don't plan on Tzara'at... Shmuel could plan it daily. He could plan a Kohen visit daily, with the amount of Lashon Hara he speaks... You do a little slaughtering. That's the beginning of the process... (Vayikra 14:9) On the seventh day he shall shave his hair. Apparently, he needs to shave his haughtiness. His hair… Michael is showing off his hair again. We understand you’re young and you don’t have alopecia… It stands out in the back left. Look at all the men… They have no hair, and then you're rubbing up against them with your curls... I understand you can't control it. Nobody can control that much haughtiness... (Vayikra 14:10-21) On the eighth day he takes two lambs. One for… Yes. It’s a service. Becoming holy is a process. Seven days of separation, and then more slaughtering... Stages. That’s how you become holy. There are stages to purification. After the first day, he sits for seven, isolated… We don’t just let him back in the camp… Of course, he showers. You can’t let somebody back in the camp smelling like Tzara’at. The back left has a Tzara'at odor. Stinks of Lashon Hara... Tzara'at smells like Tzara'at... We need more isolation in this shul. If there was no Kiddish club, there wouldn't be such paleness... A very pale congregation... Now our camp has to clean. Stages... To get rid of the plae, a little more time outside... To get rid of the impurity from your home... Chametz is impurity. Your home is full of breadcrumbs... Pesach is coming. Cleaning is overwhelming and I feel the impurity in your homes. There are stages to Passover cleanliness… You spray later on. You start with the dusting. First stage is get the top. Like the hair that has to be shaved. Head first… You clean your hair first and feet last. Top to bottom… If you were a Metzora, head first. Your home is a Metzora... Everybody is talking Lashon Hara about it... The house goes, dusting, then wiping, then carpet, then hard floor… Who wipes before they dust?... Then skip the dusting. Wiping is the shaving of cleaning. Who doesn’t know that?!… Of course you use sprays. Sprays are a necessity. Why do you think they have Kosher sprays... You don't eat it. It says not to eat it. But you could, if you wanted... It's Kosher... Dusting is like combing the hair. Getting out lice... Selling Chametz is the final step of cleaning… It’s like a bad garage sale, where you don’t even put the stuff out for people to take. It’s more like a house sale, where the people can’t get in the house… Dropping off Chametz at the shul is not a stage in cleaning your house… There is no Kiddish coming up this week... Getting Chametz off your body is the step before any of the stages... Disgusting and filthy... Before all the purification, you have to stop talking… He’s still talking. That wasn’t even a hint. Shlomo. I was looking right at you… The first stage is to stop talking… That’s why they’re separated from people. You talk when you're with people. I think we should separate the back left… You don’t stop talking. And then you smell bad too. You should each pray in your separate room… You never smell bad to yourself. This is why the Kohen got involved. He let them know they were still dirty... Dirty with Tzara'at. We should have smell check Gabais. Why does the Metzora need his head shaved as part of the purification. (Vayikra 14:9) Kli Yakar teaches that he shaves ‘his head, and his beard and his eyebrows,’ because of his sin. The head represents haughtiness that he thinks he is better than the person he talks bad about. The beard represents the mouth that speaks the Lashon Hara. They eyebrows represent the narrowness of his seeing that leads him to jealousy and wanting to destroy another’s reputation... You shave your head, because you’re bald. It blends better. That has nothing to do with your humility, Baruch... Just get a haircut Michael... If you don't it's isolation. Nobody wants to see it… Back left.... Shlomo. That's a unibrow. A huge eyebrow. The amount of jealousy in that one brow... If you had two brows... You come to the community clean shaven, without haughtiness, narrowness of site, and a huge beard that you're talking out of... It's about being one and not whacking people with your hair, Michael. There is no 'eight inches of hair' in 'team'... You join the community. You come out for the sing-alongs to the nursing homes. You do things for others. You clean. You smell good. You don’t sit in the back left… You get a haircut before Pesach… We’ve got to get rid of that stuff to ensure that the process of purity happens... The stages are supposed to make us better. If you donated your Chametz to the shul, we would've had an excellent Kiddish this week... Packaged. Not perishable Chametz, that is good for Kiddish. Canned green beans doesn't help Fran make a decent Kiddish... Cheesecake is a nice thing... Not this week. It's already Pesach... Give it to the food pantry. Just make sure the packages are sealed... Closed is not enough. They can't take closed cottage cheese that's been open... Take a step back and don’t be all high on yourself… You’re not above cleaning. You have a messy home. Cleaning is the lowest thing for a haughty person. But a clean home. One that shines is respectful… Now you’re having an ego about your clean home. That’s the problem. You… Rivka’s Rundown The yard sales were a bit embarrassing. Half a box of noodles for sale was the lowest I have ever seen somebody go. The only justification is that the noodles last way after the expiration date. The congregants are going to have an ego about something. Be it their dirty home, their clean home, their humility. They are going to be haughty about it. I don't know if we'll ever have thin eyebrows that don't narrow our views of others. Shlomo's brows are huge. The rabbi’s start to his sermon was brilliance. How he called everybody holy and then said they’re impure, only our rabbi can do that. There is not much purity in the shul. It’s very dirty. They haven’t vacuumed the halls since last Pesach. The rabbi's hair has been thinning. I feel it's important to note that, before discussing Michael. Michael wasn't embarrassed. If the rabbi embarrassed anybody it would be forbidden. But he doesn’t embarrass people. He just tells them how wrong they are. The rabbi insisted that everybody get haircuts. Some think it had to do with the Omer coming up, where we have a tradition to not get haircuts till Lag BOmer, around thirty-three days away. I think he just wanted us to get rid of the haughtiness. He’s a bit bald himself. His hair is at least thinning. And he feels that thinning hair has a lot to do with humility. Michael’s hair is always flopping around. Haircuts can also help with the hygiene in the back left. What’s amazing is that many are very bald, and they still have egos. I don’t know how the Kli Yakar would explain our membership. Some of them do grow their hair out to the sides. Very far out to the sides. The older men might get their haughtiness from their eyebrows. All anybody in shul can talk about is Michael’s hair. It’s not just his haughtiness. It is the Lashon Hara. You can’t see over his huge bush of hair. It stands a good foot over his head. It kills conversations. Parents have lost their children in shul because of it. They couldn’t find the kids. You have to part his hair. And when you part his hair, he takes it as though you want to give him attention. The youth director took the six year olds on a camping trip. Insisted their parents didn’t show. He told a scary story about a bear, with a flashlight. Then, a bear showed up. Pesach is now 'Cleaning Awareness Month' in our shul. It's the first great initiative of our sisterhood. The issue is that nobody made it past their home, so the shul is still dirty. It’s good the rabbi announced that Pesach is coming up. The Freidberg home’s lawn is a wreck. I hope they clean it. I don't care if it's Chametz or not, they need to clean. It’s good the rabbi shared his cleaning technique. The people needed that. The Friedbergs definitely need some lessons. Starting from top to the bottom. ‘Wiping is the shaving of cleaning.’ Profound and brilliant at the same time. The rabbi also shared the cleaning concept of starting at the top. There are so many practical lessons in our rabbi's sermons. Starting at the top is just another amazing practical lesson. It works for homes, showers, who you give the honors to on Yom Kippur. For Yom Kippur, you look at the top of the donation chart; you give those people the Kavods, honors, first. Never let a low chart person open the ark for Aleynu. For the Friedbergs, the rabbi should've mentioned that you then clean the outside of the house, so that you can then mow your lawn. People are still dropping off stuff at the shul. They feel that because Pesach is a religious holiday, and it’s a religious thing to get rid of Chametz, they should bring their Chamtez to the shul. The shul nursing home visits are depressing for the residents. I don’t think the people in the facility like to see people in worse shape than them. Nobody seems to want to see Bernie. The Pesach class wasn’t attended by anybody. They were all cleaning. Tags:
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This is how Haggadot.com sees Jewish kids. A bunch of drunkards, and one whose parents made him show up.
The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused. Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt. The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.) Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb. This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began. They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night. For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves. After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions. The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?' Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions. When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools. Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on. So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions. Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job. To punish the teachers for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions. And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt. Tags:
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Ten plagues masks, put out by Rite Lite. And not one of them helps with COVID... The frog is not very scary. If Kermit was a plague, I can understand why the Egyptians didn't want to let us go.
The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.
Blood Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet. You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice. Frogs Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two. Lice If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends. Wild Animals or Flies If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself. Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined. Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined. Livestock Pestilence Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast. Boils Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink. Those things are embarrassing. They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing. Hail I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for. Locusts They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ. They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment. Darkness You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights. Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils. Killing of The Firstborn This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out. Tags:
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Announcements
The Freidberg Shiva is over. You missed it. They know you don't care. No holding somebody's arm at Kidddish. We've had too many complaints about Hymie not letting people go in the middle of his jokes. People must be allowed the freedom to escape conversation. There's no need for violence, to get people to listen. Hymie has also caused a 10% drop in membership. We're raising money for Ukraine, cause we found that nobody pays their dues. So, we're supporting another cause. The Ukraine fund won't take pledges. After consulting with our office, they understand that pledges won't work. They're only taking cash. They're also afraid that you will cancel the credit card payment and ask for a refund on your kindness. Selling Chametz means it's not yours, but it is. So sell with the rabbi, who will get rid of it for you, while you keep it in your house. We're hosting a youth convention next month. In preperation, Wednesday, there will be a class in how to lean into a picture properly. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom and Rosh Chodesh Tov… Rosh Chodesh. Nobody cares. OK… They should’ve smacked the table louder, so people knew to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.' Fear is the only way to get them to say it… They don't remember if they're not scared... Holding people hostage is Asur. It is forbidden to hold them hostage in conversation, Hymie… You trap people in conversation. I’ve seen you do the arm hold… It’s friendly? It’s a felony. You once attacked me with a joke about an imam and a priest… So what if they don’t want to hear the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. The sermons don’t hold them hostage. Their sins do… I’ve seen it Hymie. Stop. You do the arm hold and say, ‘You’ve got to hear this.’ We’ve seen it. Pesach is coming and we must be pure. Free of sin… Chametz is not pure. Your kitchen is filthy. We’re talking about personal cleanliness. Higiene… The Beit Hamikdash was not dirty... Purity. Go to the Mikvah. And clean yourself before going in the Mikvah… You can’t just do what you want. Even if you’re doing the right thing, you can still be impure. Holy and impure… No. Bernie. You’re just impure... (Vayikra 12:4) After her days of impurity, the mother that gave birth has to sit for extra days. ‘She shall sit in the blood of her purity. She shall not touch anything holy, and to the Sanctuary she shall not come…’ In those days of purity, she cannot come… She didn’t sit in blood. It wasn’t a collected puddle from children who injured themselves at the playground… Watch the kids. Giving birth is not a sin... That's exactly what I'm saying Benjamin. She did a Mitzvah and she still has to separate herself. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves for good. Some of our members separating would be appreciated. It would be good if Hymie separated himself from prospective members at Kiddish… This way they would want to join… Chametz is good, but we separate from it on Pesach. There are times to separate, even when we are pure... That is why I am going away for Pesach. Even in her purity she cannot touch the holy stuff. Even in a good pure and positive state, it is better to not be around Kodesh sometimes… Holy has its right times as well… In our congregation, it’s not the right time for holy… When will it be? I don't believe there will be. Can't think of a holy time... That Bat Mitzvah was messed up. Sucked the holiness right out of the sanctuary... That wedding? I believe there was an annulment before it happened... We don't do annulments, but it was that messed up. Sucked the wedding right out of the hall that day. Couldn't even call it a Simcha... When there is life, we should stay away from Kodesh sometimes. To support the living. To support somebody else who needs our aide… Watch your kids already. It is getting to a point of… You visit the sick. You go to a Shiva house. Show you care... The Friedbergs would've appreciated that. I know you didn't. That's the problem. you also didn't come to shul... Yes. We're in a sanctuary right now... You didn't go to the Shiva house or shul... There is more to life than being holy… You’re not holy anyways. At times, there is more than Kodesh, holiness. And that is your requirement. Being with this membership brings down my level of holiness, but I do it… To stop you from sinning more, I have to be unholy. That's why I party sometimes. To connect with you all, I have to drink... The children need their mother. Do they not?... You abandoned your children. Look at Jennifer. She's on the stairs to the Bima, stage, right now... It's a sermon. That's abandonment... Yes. There are times to not be in the sanctuary. Maybe playgroups is a place to be. If you watched them, they wouldn’t be knocking their heads into poles at the jungle gym. There is a reason you get off of work… It’s not time for a vacation for you. Getting off work itself has a different kind of holiness… Your kids are running around the shul. That's when you don’t come into the Sanctuary. You watch over them. Because they’re loud. There are sharp tables for a reason... You have a requirement… They wouldn’t be walking around with blood dripping all over if you watched them... Who shouldn’t come into the Sanctuary? Little Pinchas. Running around the shul again… He shouldn’t be in the sanctuary. His parents should be in the sanctuary, to take him out. If we separated some members, it would be good for our congregation... The softball team. Some people shouldn't be on the baseball field... Nothing to do with holiness. They're just bad. It hurts our chances... Requirements cause us to separate sometimes… Usually we want people back, but… The Friedbergs aren't here because you let them down... We would like to welcome the Janklowitz family to our community. Jayson, Jess, Julie, Jill, Jack, Jake… Jack and Jake are the same. Jillian, Jermey, Joseph. It’s a pleasure to have you… Sorry. We also welcome Jennifer Janklowitz… The Janklowitzs should be here. We're happy to have you... No. Nobody gave birth. They just don’t come to shul… Stay away from the Janklowitzs. Your staying away makes for greater holiness in our congregation, Hymie. At least more people wanting to be members… Take that seat. They don’t show. We welcome them. We spend time welcoming them, even when it takes away time from Davening. We nurture… I nurture. Nothing nurturing in the back left… Nurturing comes before holiness. It's time for repentance. Rosh Chodesh... Nobody cares. We'll talk about repentance on Rosh Hashana... That's Rosh Chodesh too... Watch the kids for crying out loud. We're about to start Musaf... And that is the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. Here's a packet… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi gave the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha a week early. A faux pas. The three Torahs that were brought out had everybody in a bit of daze. The Drasha was great. Many sources. It was good he just handed out the packet and stopped right after that. As long as there are sources. That’s what the congregants want. There was also a Nietzsche source and a Freud. They love the nonTorah sources. Anything to do with Torah just lets the congregants down; they don't want that from Judaism. A beautiful sermon and teachings on the thought of separation being holy in itself, even when it’s separating from holy, for another requirement. The whole idea of not showing to the sanctuary, the rabbi couldn’t get a Minyin the following week. Parents have to do their job. They take no responsibility. It’s like they come to shul to throw the kids on the congregation. They make it a point to not send them to groups. Groups are the place we throw kids. They come to shul and we relegate them to groups. Kids belong in batches. That's how we educate them, and keep them from bothering us in shul. I believe they had groups in the times of the Temple. I'm not sure. During the summer, there are no groups, as we throw the kids in summer camps. If the parents don't do send them to groups, we get Shmulik on it. Shmulik scares them enough to want to be with other people, for protection. The problem is Shmulik took his winter vacation last week. The Janklowitzs showed up. That was a beautiful welcome to their family. It took the rabbi three months to tell them they're not right. I like that the Janklowitzs kept to the ‘J’ theme. I commend them for sticking to it. After the rabbi said it was Rosh Chodesh, twelve people got up to start redoing the Amidah, the silent prayer. They all realized they forgot to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.’ So, the whole congregation waited for them to finish that before the rabbi continued with the Drasha. It was messed up. Nobody remembers to say Ya'aleh vYavo unless if the rabbi scares them into it. I once had to repeat the Amidah eighteen times. I suggested to the board to have a banger, a loud first Ya'aleh vYavo caller, a look given to each congregant from the rabbi (one that exudes guilt), and to have Shmulik walk around and command them to say it. If we cover all the bases, some of the members will remember to say it. People started reporting conversations with Hymie, when he told them a joke. They walked to shul the following week with ‘I’m a victim of conversation’ Tshirts. The rabbi did a great job of justifying his vacation. He didn’t even stay to sell the Chametz for the congregants. He ran and said it was because of their misdeeds. We were all confused. He just wanted out. In the end, he told us to sell it online. He said there's less of a chance of a random person walking into your house if they're online. Finally, a seat was shown and there wasn’t an uncomfortable conversation about sitting in a person’s seat. First time. Usually, new people come and they’re told they can’t sit. Then we have to explain that people have seats. We should tell visitors to carry seats from their homes. That would be more welcoming. People have stopped asking how the kids are doing. The're afraid it will be a conversation. Once people stopped saying ‘good’ and added information as to grandkids and college, we lossed members. Now people can’t show they care anymore. I couldn't get away from discussion about the sick family member. I hope they're OK. I just don't have the time to listen. I care, I just have to run. I wanted to say, 'I'm out of here. I hope they make it.' Though Hymie never assaulted me, I was a victim of having to care. I joined in solidarity and as a victim the following week. I sported the shirt, 'I am a victim of conversation.' Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album VIII3/31/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Purim and Putin with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing more offensiveness.
What Shalom looks like. The heads of Ukraine and Russia as matryoshkas (traditionally babushkas). Say what you want, but they look good as babushkas. We're sure Putin would give his grandkids anything they wanted. Even Ukraine... Try opening one of those dolls. That will get their mind off war and extremely frustrated, trying to figure out why those things never finish opening... We've seen David throw a few of those out of frustration. Throwing the matryoshka did help get it open. (Photo: The Moscow Times- we want to thank the Kibbitzer's affiliate)
These are the costumes for this Purim. Offensive is OK on Purim. As long as it is of a culture that you are not... The Chasid outfit is perfect for the secular Jew. They also sell jeans, so that Chasidic kids can dress like the Chiloni, secular Israelis.
To Quote David: That's my Mishloach Manot... I had to get rid of the Wacky Mac and oatmeal. Had it for a year and Pesach is coming. I have no idea what the Bergmans are going to do with it. It's on them to figure that out now... To note, the green and red Hershey's Kisses, along with the Hershey's Kisses eggs, is the Purim holiday themed stuff I found at Walmart, on sale.
Israelis know how to protest when there's a war. Firstly, that guy in the middle looks so cool telling people not to kill animals, The sunglasses bring a level to the protest. You want to show up to the demonstration ready to meet a lady. The girl to his right is definitely digging it, along with the Lincoln beard (the beard of rooster solidarity)... The sign on the left of a treat animals well line was offensive... That guy's sign reads 'Animals think about themselves,' which supports the dislike of selfish chickens.
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They're all working, trying to do their job, and the Mashgiach is jumping in and eating the stuff. Reaching his hand right in front of them, sitting down, relaxing. They get fired if they sit. Not even following the rules, he's got no gloves doing whatever he wants. (Photo: Newsweek- Rabbi Cohen making sure the cannabis is Kosher)
I've been working as a Mashgiach for many years, and I've learned that there are tricks to the trade that one must know for legitimate Kosher supervision. Here are some of the trade secrets for anyone who wants to be an acceptable Kosher supervisor.
Get Good at Seeing Small Things Lettuce checking is key. Take pride in it. Hold up that leaf with confidence that you can find a creature in there. If you can't find a bug in a vegetable, you should lose any Mashgiach license given you. If you can't watch over a fruit, you should not be trusted to watch over a kitchen. Before allowing anybody to be a Mashgiach, they should have a test to ensure you're not farsighted. To note: There is no greater feeling than finding an insect in a vegetable. That's nachis. Grandchildren are nothing next to a meadow spittlebug. Know Your Symbols Get good at finding 'O's. You have to find small letters on packages as well. That, along with turning on fires. You have to be able to find letters and turn on fires. Never trust a professional chef with a fire. That's why we have Kosher people turning on the pilot lights. Basic rule: Any shape of a state with a letter in it is Kosher. And any 'O' that doesn't have a 'R' in it is Kosher. Any randomly flying 'K's on the package, the Kosher world has not figured out if that's Kosher yet. Make It Look Like You're Doing Something When you walk in, tap the meat. Say 'I'm here,' and walk through the kitchen while looking over people's shoulders that are trying to prepare the food. Check their onions while they're sauteing them. If they're comfortable with you around, you're not doing your job. If you have no idea what you're doing with your time, give feedback on the onions themselves. You don't have to be a cook to do that. Nor do you have to be a Mashgiach to do that. Sit and Learn Your job is to be the religious Jewish guy. Learning is what good religious Jews do. That's what you should be doing. Sit and learn and stay away from the kitchen. People will trust you, even if you didn't check anything. As long as you're learning. Bitul Torah, taking time away from learning Torah, is a sin. If anybody asks you to check if the dish is Kosher, the right thing to say is, 'I'm learning and I believe in H."' That will let them know that you care about Torah. That should be enough for them to feel comfortable as Jews, even if the food wasn't checked. Make a Big Deal When You Tell Them The Empire Chicken is Good to Use You want job security. Let them know with authority that it's Kosher. Even slap the chicken for emphasis. 'Empire is good. Cook it.' Even if they're grilling it, just yell out, 'Cook it.' Anything you know, you should express enthusiasm and get involved for that moment. You're limited in Kosher knowledge, as you have no idea how to slaughter, so make sure they know how good you are at finding letters in outlines of states. You see a bug, yell it out, 'I found one.' Celebrate. Do a Siyum if you must. Take pride in your detective abilities. You'll naturally want to have a Simcha, possibly break into a Horah or a one handed side to side kick, once you find a bug. It just happens. That joy simply touches a man's soul. Eat as Much as You Can Whatever they pay you, it's not enough. Make sure you're eating at least twelve bucks an hour's worth. More than that, you have a requirement to eat. How is anybody supposed to know it's Kosher if the Kosher guy isn't eating it. How Kosher is it if the Kosher guy is only eating small portions? These are questions people ask, so make sure you are sitting there and eating. Make a Big Deal About Something Otherwise, they're going to question what you're doing there. The issue is that some nonJews don't value Torah and eating. And share any knowledge you have, as that exudes authority. If anybody asks you what kind of meat it is, you tell them 'brisket.' If you can say something is wrong, say it. Focusing on negative makes you look like a leader. Reach over and say, 'Can't do that.' Even if it's something about American foreign policy, reach over and say 'no.' Connect it to Kosher. 'If they attack the Ukraine, the meat won't be slaughtered in the ritually correct way. Toss the salmon.' They'll understand that you know Kosher. Check Everything Remember, Mashgiach means supervisor. So, even if you're only making fifteen bucks an hour, you're the boss. When they come in, check their coats. Check their pockets. You don't know if they're stealing anything. Check to see what skin lotions they are using. Nobody wants dry unmoisturized hands in their food. Remember, you're a supervisor. Oversee everything. Be sure to criticize when you have a chance. People are wearing an off outfit, mock it. Supervise that. Get involved in breaks. The more you keep busy telling other people what to do, the more of a supervisory role you are playing. Talk Yiddish When Other Mashgiachs Are Around Yiddish is the Kosher language of America, because it's not English. Even if you don't know Yiddish, do a high pitch of the few Yiddish words you know. Larry David employs the Yiddish high pitch mumble beautifly in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Anything you do is Kosher when it's Yiddish. I overheard somebody at Kiddish explaining, 'Nu. I don't know if I'm a fan. Not to plotz for. The burger at Wendy's is a bissel dry.' Vus is dus? You're going to tell them Wendy's isn't Kosher? Wear a Blazer You don't have to work when you're wearing a blazer. Better yet, a suit. Nobody asks people to do physical labor when they're wearing a suit. Hence, real rabbis wear suits. It also looks more supervisory to wear a jacket. Better yet, wear a tuxedo. People may even wish you a Mazel Tov for not helping. Make a Big Deal About Pesach When Pesach comes, throw everything in the Kitchen out. Any questions asked to you as a Mashgiach, 'Throw it out.' They ask about the oven, 'Throw it out.' Counters, in the trash. If you can, blow torch the place, do it. It looks good when a rabbi walks through the kitchen with exposed fire. It lets them know who's truly in charge. It also instills the necessary fear in the staff who are thinking of treifing up the place. Whatever you do, make sure they call you a rabbi. Even if you have a high school Torah education, just go by rabbi. Exploit that. If they call you rabbi, you don't have to help. And they will respect you for that. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke Year II: Shemini3/25/2022
Shul Announcements
•Mazel Tov to Dr. and Dr. Mendelwitz on the birth of their new granddaughter they won't see for the next year and a half, as their daughter hasn't visited Topeka since she needed more funds for college. We would appreciate it if you did pay your dues. •The shul softball has been cancelled, due to lack of decent athletes in our synagogue. As Felvel said, 'It's a Chilul H' to see you people play sports.' •No more taking coats from the coat room, unless if they are yours. If anybody stole Rivka's coat, please return it. We have no idea where Fran got the new coat. It is very similar to Rivka's maxi coat, and it is big on Fran. •The rabbi's class in 'The Hidden Torah Because You Don't Open a Sefer and Learn It' this week cannot be attended by Bernie, due to rabbi’s request. •No taking all the Kichel from the Kiddish table. We understand some of the older members are teething. Even so, some under eighty-five enjoy Kichel. Rabbi Mendelcehm’s Sermon Excerpt Shabbat Shalom To All Who Criticized Me Last Week… Yes. That’s to all of you… Much sinning. Lashon Hara… I have never heard a conversation not about me. I understand I’m the rabbi… You stole my coat too... Taking coats from the coatroom is stealing. Even if it’s a similar jacket. It's a sin… They don’t make them Hefker when they use a hanger. They did not deem their property ownerless, because they didn’t want to wear their trench into the sanctuary... I know that it's an open area. Did you take my Sefer? No. You did not take my Torah book, because you don't learn. You leave the coat in a coatroom and assume it's not going to be taken... And not being in shape enough to play softball… Taking care of your body is a Mitzvah. As is not eating eight pounds of Kichel at Kiddish… It’s softball. Do you know how out of shape you have to be to not be able to play softball? The question is how does this shul repent. (Vayikra 9:7) Moshe said to Ahron. ‘Come to the Altar and do your sin offering, and your burn offering, atoning for yourself and the people. And perform the sacrifice of the people, atoning for them…’ Yes. The Lord commanded it… First be decent, Bernie… I know you focus on others. That’s great. Aharon has to atone for himself first... I would assume you have stuff to atone for... Right there. Interrupting me. Atonement... You have to be decent before making decisions for others. Our president is not decent. Focus on yourself first… I know you focus on my sins as a rabbi who teaches classes and visits the sick… How about you first atone for yourself and visit the sick… I know they’re sick. That's why you visit... So you catch something. Now we have to get rid of Bikur Cholim. Visiting the sick isn't a positive thing to do anymore. Just lock them up so they can be more depressed... Maybe if you were in shape... Yes. The Lord commanded it… I have to explain that too... How about Bernie read the Torah Portion and atone for not learning Torah… Yes. It’s a Mitzvah. You wouldn’t know that, because that Mitzvah is in the Torah, and you don't learn it to. Rashi explains the word ‘Krav,’ approach, come to. ‘Aharon was bashful and feared to approach. Moshe said to him, “Why are you bashful? For this you were chosen.”’ You should be bashful. This congregation needs a bit of relcutance. A little humility would go along way. We wouldn't have this gauty window and art work if… It got Aharon the Kehuna... Don’t be bashful when it’s your calling. You’re very bashful when giving Tzedakah. Never give it. A lot of humility when you're donating to the shul... Thelma. You didn't even give for Matanot LaEvyonim. Gifts for the poor on Purim... A dollar is not a gift. Very bashful with your money... No need for humility when it’s your thing. When it's a commandment. When it's a Mitzvah that you're called upon to do. You think I like giving sermons. You need it. You need to be told... Bernie and Hymie and Saul and Merv should be bashful. The back left should be bashful. The way you lost the softball game... Your socks need bashfulness. Why all the annoying designs. And they're flashy. Right in our face... Socks need bashfulness. Running to do a Mitzvah doesn't need... Exercise. Assume you're not in shape. Assume your wife is not attracted to you... 'Atoning for yourself and the people.’ Aharon, becoming a better person and focusing on himself, atones for others as well… Work on your softball game and we might be a better team and not look pathetic… Yes. Get in shape. That doesn’t mean ‘you’ve got to do you.’ That means ‘you’ve got to be the best you’… What’s with this ‘you do you?’ That’s not Jewish to be selfish… It’s about being the best you for the community and not stealing people’s coats… You can start atoning by returning the jacket. You focus on me.... What am I doing? Rebuking. That’s what my calling is… I don’t speak Lashon Hara about you. I rebuke you. A big difference. I tell you how annoying you are... When you find your calling, it’s also good for everybody else... If you don't force the congregation to have to see this piece of... It's the worst work of art for a shul. It has a fluorescent purple hue. It goes with the quilt on the Ark. All messed up... Don't mess up anymore. That's how you atone... No. You can't atone for me... Rivka’s Rundown Visiting the sick isn't a Mitzvah anymore. COVID killed Bikur Cholim. It seems like nobody in our shul cares about anybody that is not at shul. 'They don't show to shul it's on them... Can't walk. Their fault they got old... Let them die alone. They're sick. I don't want to catch old...' They're all worried about catching whatever the old people have. So, now the old people are stuck, alone, with their disease. Age. Everybody in the congregations assumes they're perfect. I don't think one guy in this shul has ever sinned. Ask them. It's not a sin. I don't even know why they come on Yom Kippur. I think they come to find out who the ones that sinned are. They see who is crying and they castagate the penitent one who incriminated themself. The art of the quilt and whatever that purple sun thing is are all very messed up. There seems to be a thing in our community where people get lavish gifts that they have to use. The Feinwitz family can't even get a TV, because their in-laws forced a painting on them. That takes up the den, and they can't get rid of it, as the in-laws will be offended. The husband blames the wife's parents for it, and the wife blames the husband's parents for it. Don't get me started on the huge Chanukiah in the Bergman home. The Vergstein family gave them that as a housewarming gift; which decorated their whole dining room for them, without their permission. So, now the shul is stuck with this stuff. Some of the kids didn’t get the correct message. They started a rock band and made it a point to perform without their shirts. They said it was a Jewish rock band and it's their calling. They could’ve at least performed with their Tzitzis. Bashfulness of socks would be appreciated by all. I can't stand having to see these kids with pants coming down to their shin, with these multi-colored annoyance I have to see. I say we kick the twenty year olds out of the shul. The shul needs to place security at the coat racks. The guard is at the entrance to the building. The criminals, like Fran, Hymie and Merv are stealing from the coatroom. I don’t know if it’s a safety measure. If somebody did try to take Hymie’s coat that wasn’t his, from him, it might get violent. I don’t know. Hats have also went missing. The rabbi’s announcement from his seat at the end of Davening was not inspired. He just said, 'Adon Olam and Hatikva.' The final prayer and Israel's anthem were about to come and he just said their names. No page. Half the people probably didn't even realize it was an announcement. I think he just gave up. Tags:
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They're planning a party for the Kohens. They're calling it the Big Day Kahuna.
You get it? The Torah talks about the Kohens and their clothes. Bigdei means clothes. Kahuna means of Kohens. Big Kahuna, an American idiom. You should have vast knowledge to get into pun creation. Everybody gave half a shekel when they counted Jews. It spoke to their census. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A census is counting. They did that in the desert. To avoid a plague, and death, heads weren't counted, but the half shekels. Makes sense. Senses. Their senses. Their census. Why was the activity not exciting last Shabbat? They were board games. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Board. Bored. Not fun. Board games are a great Shabbat activity. Make them fun. Puns are better said. Not written. Look away and say 'board games'… Now, it’s funny. He wouldn't need to be good at singing or music if he had a talent. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A talent is something you're good at. A talent is a weight of money, which was a lot of silver in the times of the Torah. With all that silver he would be rich enough to not need to be talented. Puns are about education. I asked a hippie, dressed as a villain, 'Who are you dressed as?' He said, 'HeyMan.' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A lot of people pronounce Haman as Haymen. That's close enough to Hey Man. And that's how hippies talk. It's not just a costume, it's a way of life, a mindset. Artistic expression is very important when sharing puns. What's it called when they pour seltzer on the Altar? A Karbon Dioxide... Then they recite Mizmor LSoda. You get it? The offerings in the Temple were called a Karbon. Carbon Dioxide is the fizz in the soda... Soda. Mizmor LSoda is one of the types of songs in Tehillim. Brilliant. A double pun. And bilingual necessity. Doesn't get better than this. Tags:
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That guy is celebrating. That's what happiness looks like at eighty, when they don't allow you to join the thirty year old singles at Shabbat dinner.
I wasn't allowed to go to a Shabbat meal the other week, because I was too old. That kind of got me thinking about how off an old single person looks in the Jewish community. I love Shabbat and the holidays. To the rest of the community, though, it looks off. To the community, it's an anomaly to enjoy Shabbat alone.
Holidays as a single person look off. Just being in the shul without a Tallis, something is off. They know you're old and single. You've got greys and everybody can see your suit jacket. Something is wrong, and it scares them. You can camouflage the singleness with a Tallis, but then you won't meet any ladies at shul. It's a catch-22. And it's wrong to checkout girls in the middle of the Amidah, even if that's what you should be doing. Single women somehow find a way to look normal. The men look off. Hence, I'm going to focus mainly on the men while we discover the real reasons why old singles can't celebrate with community. Old Singles People Look Weird Guy without the Tallis. They're looking. Guy jumping on the floor to get candy at the Bar Mitzvah, because you don't have a kid to get you a Sunkist jelly. They're looking. Old single guy handing out candy to the kids. They've got their eyes on you. And you're scaring the children. Girls can also look weird in the Frum community. Girl without a sheytel. They're looking. They know. That looks messed up. Nobody's hair looks better without a wig. Nephews and Nieces Wonder You can't pick them up and pinch their cheeks. Nowadays, old single men get locked up for that stuff. And then your nephew is called a 'Ba'al Habayit,' a 'man of the house,' because they're twenty and married, and you're called a 'Bachur,' a 'boy,' because you're sixty-five and not married. When all this 'man' has ever accomplished is getting his parents to pay the rent. And then, the smart niece asks you again, where your kids are. Old single women look normal around nephews and nieces. Pinch the cheeks, hold them, steal them from their parents. Take them to parks with nobody knowing. They even talk in a hipitch voice that makes them look like a good aunt. Old single men can't talk in a hipitch. That's why their nephews and nieces hate them, and don't want them around for the holidays. They need hipitch voices. Purim Costumes The only time old single people are allowed to enjoy dressing up is when they're going to an '80s themed party. You can't dress up for Purim. No matter the situation, I would question anybody dressed as Richard Simmons. Ever seen an old single man dressed up for Purim? Lock him up. Single forty year old men should know better than to dress in a costume. They should also know better than to say a kid's costume is cute. They shouldn't notice kids' wearing costumes. That will get them in trouble. Groggers? That's not a question. Old single people can't use those noise makers. You get locked up for that. 'Creepy Grogger guy who thinks the kids in costumes are cute.' Purim Carnival Ever seen an old single man at a Purim carnival? Lock him up. 'He showed to the Purim carnival too.' Purim Gift Baskets Ever seen an old single man giving Mishloach Manot to kids? Lock him up. Why are they giving the kids candy? Pesach Singles Seder Nobody invites us. It's weird to have the whole table going around with the youngest of each family saying the Mah Nishtana. Then you have the forty year old single guy reading for his family, also standing next to the head of the Seder. And the question arises again, 'Where are his kids? Something is wrong.' You end up being every question at the Seder. I had a singles seder last year. Some of the traditions are different when celebrating without kids. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. Talking of pathetic, I didn't find it. Couldn't get the bike I wanted. Sukkah Hopping Nothing is more fun than hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah and get different forms of gummies. Ever seen an old single guy hopping? Lock him up. Simchas Can't show to those. They still sit me at the kids table. They figure, the kids are single, David is single, they should sit together. Between us, I kind of like the chicken fingers. Bar Mitzvah at the kids table is even worse, especially when you're the best friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy, and you're sitting right next to him, between the other twelve year olds. Showing to Simchas is just a chance to get yourself locked up. Shabbat Meals Can't do those. I called the Chabad guy about a singles dinner. He said, 'We do meals for people in their twenties and thirties.' It turns out, I'm too old to eat a Shabbat meal. I'm not allowed to eat food with other people on Shabbat. It scares them. It's Chabad's rule. It’s a rule for all singles events. Sometimes they even put it on the event, to keep away the scary people, ‘Ages 20-35.’ Old single people have to eat by themselves. And find joy in that. If the younger people see an older person keeping Shabbat, they might think that Shabbat did that to them. Can't Celebrate Eating With Other Single People That’s a lonely fest. Ten old single people together is ten times as lonely as eating by yourself. Everybody at the table is like, 'Where are the kids?' You just sit there and feel bad for the girl across from you. You can't enjoy a choolante when you know she did a great job cooking it, and you still have no idea how to ask her out. Worse is potluck dinners, where you're invited to bring the food for the other singles. If you're lucky and you're not the only one bringing food, the rest of the food is also cold. Note of Advice: You can't host a meal and not provide food, having people walk a mile on Shabbat, and expect the Kugel to be warm. Uncle in the Corner Visiting for the Holiday You sit, you look off. Sitting in shul with no kids, you've got to find a decent non-visible spot. All the kids are next to your brother-in-law and all you can tell the people sitting next to you is, 'I love them... They're not mine.' It's off. Single guy reaches forty, they stop asking his sister about him, to see if they have a good match. They start asking about him to find out what's wrong. At the table, they don't even respect you anymore. They sit you in the corner, out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to explain. 'That’s the pathetic one. He's sitting in the corner, because he has no family. It's fine.... The one sitting over here, that's Aunt Lisa. She's great. She's single and fifty. The kids love her. She sounds like one of those Teletubbies. She was even telling us about this Shabbat meal she was allowed to eat at last Shabbat.' Message Get married and you won't look as pathetic. Even get married to the wrong person. It looks better, and you won't get locked up for being a person. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Tzav3/18/2022 
The rabbi was gone and the shul was packed. Finally. People came out to shul. I think they thought there wouldn't be a sermon.
He mailed in his sermon and Hymie read it. What's amazing is that the breaks were perfect. He knew exactly when Bernie and Fran would interrupt. It's a talent. More than he knows the Torah, he knows how annoying his congregation is. We had some new Simchas in the congregation. However, they didn't announce it, because nobody gave enough money to sponsor Kiddish. There was a Bris. That was a huge party. A lot of happiness. They even had a Shalom Zachor to welcome the new son on Friday night. A Shalom Zachor is where the dad leaves the wife alone with the newborn boy and gets drunk on Friday night, with his buddies, in order to welcome the newborn. There was also a newborn girl, to the Flomowitz family. Nobody knew about it. They could've done a Simchat Bat to welcome the girl. A Simchat Bat is where you celebrate with nothing. It's a party I have never seen people at. They could've at least done a Kiddish. It seems like the Flomowitzs were not happy. As if it was a letdown. Mr. Flomowitz sat at home and drank alone, in embarrassment. People have to be more prideful of the girls. People are afraid to wear coats to shul. It seems like Fran and Saul think that once the coat is in the coatroom it's anybody's to take. They see a green coat and it's now theirs, as their coat was foresty and almost green. The shul trip is being organized as we write, for a third time. The last two shul trips didn't work. So, the rabbi is reorganizing it and calling it a different trip. He said he needs to do research, so he has to travel. He really used it as a vacation to get away from the members. What happened on Purim? The little kids were heckling the rabbi’s announcements. I don’t think the kids were drinking. They were five and six years old. Snobby little ones. These kids don’t say 'hi' anymore. Just walk right past you. Very moody. They look like little drunks walking around the shul. Some of theses kids are annoying. I’ve got favorite nephews and nieces. Had the dad come to the front to pick up his kid. The dad grab is a big shul move. You pick up the kid and carry him out. It has to be a scene. Love the scene. We get to see the discipline that dad forgot to do at home. It's the number dad move in shul, generally used to get out of a sermon. The grab and carry out. It's a swoop. Almost as important as clopping the table for Al HaNisim and YaAleh vYavo. The swoop was miraculous as the kid was dressed as Superman. The cape was flying, as per the great speed of the dad swoop. I believe most of the congregants got extremely heavy over the day of Purim. Old double-breasted suits came out for Shabbat. It's that Mishloach Manot post Purim fat from the candies. People need to get away after Purim. I think the shul trip will sell. Which is why I am starting a Jenny Craig. The congregants are going to buy it. They always diet before vacation. I would've given Jenny Craig food in the Mishloach Manot, had I not wanted to make money on the business. Them gaining weight on Purim is my number one sale. I love the holidays. We always put on weight. Youth convention this weekend. We're excited there will be people at shul. The kids have to come. They have a meal after Minyin. They also have some of the main kids doing stuff throughout the day. A few of them are going to be Laying (reading from the Torah). So, most of our members are going to not come. Nobody wants to hear these young kids read. It's not a 'Read for Tomorrow' programming, where we need to sit for an extra forty-five minutes, to give the kids a chance. They're going to end up shul members who complain Davening takes too long, in twenty years. My kids went through it. They don't Layn anymore. They learned their lesson. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Bunch… You shall keep the Shabbat. I am saying this, because many of you don't… Nothing to do with the Parsha. Just keep the Shabbat for once... I saw your car, Tzvi... It was moving... You were driving it... I saw you. You waved at me and said 'Good Shabbis'... This week's Parsha begins with the words 'Command Aharon.' The Olah, the elevation offering, was lit all night… If you did anything all night that is not watching TV, drinking and sleeping through morning Minyin, maybe you wouldn't need commandments... (Vayikra 6:2) ‘Command Aharon and his sons.’ It was a command ‘Tzav.’ A Tzav to keep Shabbat, Tzvi… If you weren’t commanded, would you have come to Megilah reading?... Nobody has joined the shul trip, because it’s not a commandment… You have to also command the kids. They do nothing, unless if they are threatened. You’ve got to tell them it’s a sin… The parents do nothing nowadays... They don't even threaten nowadays. Not even a 'if you say that one more time, you don't want to know...' That's why the kids turn out like this... It's that not wanting to know that 'you don't want to know'... Look at them... We have the convention here this weekend. It’s an honor to host the kids and to try to make them into good Jews who understand the commandments… Their parents do nothing… That's why they send them to conventions. To get rid of them... They send them to camp for the same reason. You see. Lin's parents hate feeding her on Shabbat. Rashi teaches, The word Tzav- Command, is used to hasten, or speed something up... Faster than how you walk to shul. I've never seen anybody walk so slow... It must be done quickly, because money is involved in the Olah offering, Unlike the day school which has not had one parent who paid tuition this year… We should command the kids to pay too... The parents don't pay tuition. They all go on vacation... ‘Aaron and his kids’… When money is involved people become weary. Such as when we do the Yizkur appeal, many of you pledge a lot of money, and then the synagogue never sees it. A lot of weariness. Years of weariness. It's amazing how the Berksteins can't even answer their phone when the office calls. Too much energy to click the answer button... That's why they have that new twenty-four hour fundraiser, Match the Grant, at the day school... They know you'll give nothing if you think about it. They get in and get out, and you don't even know its them calling. One call, they got your credit card number, and now they're matching your money up against Milton Dufray's inheritance of the steal manufacturing plant of the Midwest... Animals are not always cheap, and that makes for a financial loss. I'm trying to find a good deal on dog food, if anybody knows, as my daughter cannot part with her only friend, and I cannot afford this puppy she got. Raisel, please take Mapu out for our sermons. I do not understand why we have to tell the ushers to keep the dogs out... I can care less if she's my daughter, have her buy some bones... Again. We must command children... If I thought about it, we wouldn't have got the dog. That's why she spent the whole day crying... The shul office manager should cry when calling you. Maybe you'd pay your pledge... The loss of money stops people when they think of it. Hence, we never see the donations that have not been donated… I am sure you wanted to pay your dues, Mr. Feldstein. But then you thought about it and you noticed money was involved, you ran... Yes. You ran fast. That's not the message... I have to work on accounting for the Feldstein's needs, when they interpret my sermons... You always create a commentary that suits... What about when you learned that people should purchase goldfish, because you had a goldfish farm and you wanted to make money. I was talking about the fifth day of creation. Not goldfish. All about money... You might lose money if you don't work on Shabbat, or if you don't go to the country club, or don't go shopping on Shabbat. Or don't park across the street and walk to shul. But these are the Mitzvot. Commandments... You can't do a shorter Shabbat. That's not what 'Tzav' means... You are commanded. Think about them and when your rabbi is invited over to your home, maybe you do want to put up some steak. Make it a nice Shabbat dinner. Put your money where your tradition is. And don't be a cheap... Pinny won’t even pay to come out to the singles meals. Chanan. You should’ve done the singles trip to Spain… I don’t know why they chose a trip to Spain to meet Jews from New York… You didn’t even give Matanot LaEvyonim… The gifts to the poor, for meals on Purim is a Mitzvah, Rachel. Don’t get me started on the pathetic Mishloach Manot. I would’ve burned that stuff on the Altar... When was the last time you sponsored a Kiddish… We made the grandkid announcements so much… No more announcements until you sponsor… I understand that the Kichel doesn’t cost five dollars a Kichel, but it’s expensive… It’s a donation, Rachel. You sponsor Kiddish, so we can fund the Shul trip... That's how sponosrship works. H’ has to tell us it’s important sometimes… Because you people don’t get it. I have start every sentence at the morning Minyin with ‘It’s important…’ You people think nothing is important… You rush to get to shul… You don’t run in the shul. You don’t saunter and then start running once you hear the Chazin, to get out of shul… It’s a command. (Vayikra 6:2) Yes. This one is important. It was lit all night, ‘and the fire of the Altar should be kept aflame on it.’ The flame keeps going… Last Lag BOmer you couldn’t get the fire lit for more than eight minutes. We couldn't even get through one decent folk song... Because there was no bonfire... The eternal light, above the Aron, ark, here is not… You need to pay electric bills. The electric bills were paid in the Temple… You kindle wood on it in the morning (Vayikra 6:5). The elevation offering also caused the peace offering fats to ‘go up in smoke.’ (Vayikra (6:6) ‘A permanent fire shall remain lit there, it shall not be extinguished.’ Always elevating... We elevate. When dues are paid, we elevate... We can't cook a decent choolante if we don't have the gas for the stove. Basically, you pay the bills... And the Kohen dresses correctly for the job… Our Kohens come up there like schlumps... Your Tallis didn't even cover your arms, Dr. Cohen... A Kohen doesn't wear a scarf Tallis... Their for the youth, and the nonFrum... That's Kyle, from Wichita. He's not religious. He thinks it's cold in the shul... No. Meal offerings are different… They were all done in the Tabernacle and Temple… Aaron’s kids brought it. Yes. His family. That is the same... Families that eat together, stay together... (Vayikra 6:7-11) The meal offering used flour. Three fingers full. That was the measurement… One finger isn’t enough for a meal… It was a measurement of Aaron’s children’s fingers… Levi fingers aren’t the same… No. You can’t measure with a Yisrael’s fingers. They're different fingers. This is why things are messed up here. You have roles and you have different natural abilities. Yisrael’s can’t measure flour right… Then let’s see you bake, Simcha… It’s a ‘satisfying aroma.’ Frankincense is a good aroma… If Rivka used frankincense in her baking, it would come out decent. Frankincense and correct finger measures... The Kohens eat the leftovers. Jewish tradition of eating leftovers began with Moshe and Aharon… They didn't have freezers back then. It was at most a day. The sun got to it... They eat it in the Courtyard of the Tent of Meeting… It has to be a holy place. They take it out of there. Yisraels, with bad measurements can't eat it. That’s why I eat my food in the office. It’s far away from the congregants… I would rather sit at a table alone than at a table with people who can't measure. Holy people have to eat the offering. They become holy if they eat it… Yisraels can’t be holy. Congregants are not holy… Don't eat my shnitzel. I just hope you got these kids a decent dessert. They like the creamy stuff… In this shul, not all Yisraels should be baking… You can't even offer these kids a pudding, and you want to be able to join the meal in the courtyard... Meal offerings are not leavened… Pesach is coming up soon and you’re asking about leavening... Shabbis is a commandment. You have to keep it too, Tzvi... And eat Challah... I know it's leavened. It's Shabbis... Does everything have to be a commandment? Here are some shul commandments: No offerings brought in the shul… Have to wait for the Temple. Kiddish has to be decent. Bernie. Stop talking. Sadie is correct. Whatever she says, you have to do. This kid, in front of me right now. The same one that heckled me on Purim. She cannot be wandering around the shul during my Sermon… As cute as it is… People have to sign up for the shul trip... Donations have to be made when you flip a tab. It’s a vow… You can’t make vows and not keep them, even if nobody listens to Fran… The back left cannot drink more than three shots on a Shabbat morning… Even if it’s a club… Keep the Shabbat and make it holy... Singles have to chip in for dinner every once in a while... The board has to pay the electric bills, so we can have an eternal flame... And no more sauntering. It’s a command... You can't eat certain fats... Human fat cannot be eaten, even if you put it on over Purim, due to Mishloach Manot... You took their coat... I understand it was the same company... Just because it's in the coat room, doesn't make it Hefker. That's probably a sin offering... No stealing coats. New command. No taking coats from the coatroom, unless it is yours. And do it all fast. Come to Minyin fast. Return the coats you stole. Now! I am enjoying my vacation right now, keeping holy, down here in Florida... I know the shul trip is to Europe and Israel. I'm doing research for it... There are flights from Florida to Israel. I know that now. You see. The youth listened more than the back left. Fourteen year old listen better than you Frank. Command. Listen to my sermons. I hope the youth learned something from this sermon... Don't be like Bernie... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Hymie is not a fast reader. That sermon took an hour and a half. Double the time the rabbi usually takes to get out his message, that we have to show up to shul on time. We need numbers on coats or lockers. People just take the stuff. Stealing is a sin, but when it comes to coats, they think that it's mixed in with all the others, so you can steal it. There must be a Halachik leniency when it comes to merged items. I wouldn't trust my mink in the coatroom. They would see that thing and feel like it's theirs too, as they have winter coats, and that is close enough. We are having real problems convincing people to give the money they pledged. All the shul hears is, ‘We didn’t flip the tab.’ Everybody denies flipping the tabs on the appeal cards. There must be an underhanded tag flipper running around the shul on the holidays. Those Matching the Grant campaigns have me feeling worthless. Our whole community has to chip in to match Milton's donation. He's all high on himself now, thinking that he is more important than the whole community. The shul office would agrees. And he even gives more than he flips. The rabbi's explanation of sponsorship made all the sense in the world. It also helped clarify why the youth were being served rice, when they spent $240 on their Shabbat convention. It even helped explain why they ended up staying in homes and crashing on the shul floor, instead of staying in a hotel. It's important they know that their money is going towards seniors programming, and gin rummy in the afternoon, and not to their convention. The rabbi is all about messages. Commanding to hasten stuff is such a beautiful message. I hope the Chazin caught onto that message. He hastens nothing with his repetition of the Amidah prayer. The elevation fire offering would've lost its fire by the end of the repetition. Commands make life move a lot faster. I'm always thinking about sales. If somebody commanded me to buy the shoes, I would be in and out of Walmart. Now, I spend two hours figuring out which pair to get, because nobody tells me what to do. 'Families that eat together, stay together.' What a brilliant quote from our rabbi. I heard that the Orthodox Union adopted it as their slogan a few months back, thanks to our rabbi's brilliance. The reform and conservative say 'that sit together.' Orthodox now says 'that eat together.' Eat together and fight together. Shmulik was standing the whole time Shira read the rabbi’s sermon, with his arms crossed. Shira took over the reading of the sermon fifty eight minutes in. All the kids listened out of fear of Shmulik. They all ended up also keeping the laws of Shabbat, as Shmulik and the security guard were extremely threatening looking. And they went to programs real fast, out of fear that they would see Shmulik with nobody around. Shmulik was hired by the NURY youth movement, as a senior scary guy. Due to the rabbi's message, all the men in the back left ran to Kiddish club. I don't think they caught the message of doing things fast. They definitely took their time coming back to shul. Definitely sauntering. The shul trip command was brilliant. People ended up signing up. From then on, the rabbi started commanding stuff he wanted done. He commanded the board to give him a raise. A new command of the rabbi's was that all families had to send their kids to summer camp, as the kids were all turning into bad Jews. At summer camp, they wouldn't be around their parents or Bernie, and all would be well. The kids all started keeping the commands, as Aharon’s did. They listened to Sadie. They even gave the rabbi a raise. They paid more for youth programs. They even found camps to go to, that week. As I heard from the parents, the camps the kids found were very expensive. And that didn't bother the kids. As my argument about focusing on adults for programs and not kids was taken to heart, we had a lot of injuries. The bouncy house for the seniors wasn’t a good idea. In the end All in all, it was an amazing week. The youth group convention was nice. There were a lot of pictures of friendship taken, and a lot of headleaning for the pictures. Leaning and neck out sticking. You're able to tell good youth group kids by how much their head sticks into the picture, closer to their friends. I noticed that their bodies were not part of the group, but their necks and heads were. Tags:
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That's what fasting looks like in the men's section. Not one smile. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb- Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)
This is exactly the scene at the shul we were at for Taanit Esther. No moral to the story. Just a great scene with the characters from the shul. A great scene for the kids at the day school to act out.
Scene 1 INT - SHUL - DAY Everybody in the shul has been fasting all day. They're hungry and at shul for Mincha, the afternoon prayer. Nobody is happy. They walk into shul a schlumpy. They grunt at each other. Congregant 1: Ahhhhh. Congregant 2: Ahhhh. Been working all day at the factory. The fast is killing me. Congregant 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7: Food. Congregan 3 walks in, the only cheery guy. Congregant 3: The fast is about Teshuva. Repentance. It's about being with people and getting along. Rebuilding the Beit Hamikdash through love of your fellow Jew. Congregant 2: I can't stand this guy. Congregant 3: You're supposed to feel good. Everybody looks at Congregant 3 not happily, and grunt. Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY Everybody is in the middle of the silent prayer, the Amidah, and saying the additional prayer of penitence for H' to answer us on this day of our fast, the Aneiny prayer. Somebody says the beginning of the prayer out loud, to remind people to say the additional prayer and to show off that he remembered to say it. Congregant 4: Aneinu H' Aneinu. Everybody acknowledges. Congregant 4, and give him a thumbs up or a fist of approval. They continue praying the silent prayer. Congregant 4 smiles with self-contentment and pride. All continue praying. From the hallway, you hear a big crunch. Definitely potato chips. It's heard by everybody, while they are praying. Another crunch is heard. People start looking at each other and get back to praying. Another crunch is heard. All of their prayers are interrupted. They can't concentrate. The guy starts eating faster and louder. People are looking at each other. You start to hear the bag now crumpling. He hear the guy crunching more on the chips. You then hear the crescendo, the guy drinking the rest of the chips. There is silence for a second, everybody gets back to the Amidah, silent prayer. Congregant 2 finished the Amidah and walks over to Congregant 1. You hear another crunch. Congregant 2: They're happy. The sound of the rest of the bag crumpling is heard. People are interrupted in their prayer again and show frustration, looking at each other. There is a moment of silence. They are all back praying the Amidah with Kavanah, intent. Twenty seconds later, you hear another chip going into the mouth with a loud crunch. The crunching continues at a fast pace. Everybody is finished and walks towards the door. Scene 3 INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY Baruch, the one that has been eating, is sitting outside opening another bag of chips. He has three bags open out there. Another crunch is heard. Baruch is sitting outside the door of the shul, in the hallway, has a table setup right there, full of food and drinks. The Minyin (the men praying) walk outside and see the guy. He is now spreading peanut butter on celery and an apple. Congregant 1: It's Baruch. Congregant 5: Do you eat anything silent? Maybe a rugulach? Congregant 6: He has Kichel there. Congregant 2: Can we get some of that? Baruch: It's a fast day. How can you even think about eating? It's shameful. Congregant 5: You're eating. Baruch: You have to wait till the fast is over. I'm sick. I have to eat. The doctor said I need the nutrients. Congregant 2: Then why are you eating chips? Baruch: Are these not nutrients? Look at the bag. There's a box that says 'nutrients' right here. And look. Celery and apples. Congregant 1: But you're eating chips. Congregant 5: Should he be eating nutritious food? It's a fast day. Scene 4 INT - SHUL - DAY Everybody goes back into the shul. The Chazin begins the repetition of the prayer, outloud. Baruch keeps on eating. Takes a bite of the celery. Congregant 1: Everything he eats is loud. Congregant 5: You can't have Kavanah (proper intent) when Baruch is eating. You hear Baruch start chewing his apple, and you see him smiling. The happiest man on the fast day, as he is sick. Congregant 3: That’s how you’re supposed to be on a fast day. We pan back outside and we see Baruch eating chips again. Kibbitzer Conclusion Eating outside the shul on a fast day is the next level of funny. Hearing the chips added another layer to the regular scene of angry people. Brilliant timing. All these fatigued people and they hear this guy outside munching on the food. Being sick on a fast day is not that bad. It also interrupts Minyin. Don't try to talk about repentance or love of your fellow man on a fast day. People only want to talk about the day being done. Nobody causes hatred of Jews more than a happy guy on a fast day. That is what causes baseless hatred and why the Temple was destroyed. In the end, Congregant 3 was hungry. Something about hearing chips brings hunger. Nobody feels better than the guy who calls out the Aneinu or the Yaleh vYavo when it's Rosh Chodesh. You can feel that pride when they call it out. The people who said the Aneinu silently feel like idiots for not calling it out, when they could've been a star. The shul pride lasts for days. Almost as much pride as the guy who clops the table to scare everybody into saying the Yaleh vYavo. Happiness for the congregants started after Megillah reading, when people started eating. They still grunted at each other. Tags:
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He said he was only giving ten percent to charity. They called him a Mayser.
You get it? Miser. Mayser. Mayser is a tithe. They sound alike. If a Mayser was a type of person, it would work. He'd be a Mayser who gives Mayser. The Mayser would be a Miser.
Respect for our members of Hatzalah. What these guys are willing to do to drive a car on Shabbis... That guy on the right looks too comfortable to save anybody. The guy on the left is the one I would want showing up. He’s got more keys, and that’s the sign of a Hatzalah man that knows what’s going on... I respect them stopping and posing for the picture. It’s a great photo. I just hope the guy they were on their way to made it. (photo: hatzalah.org)
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
5/26/2022
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