No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday. Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool. Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people: Fly Tape Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening. Honey Bucket with Opening As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah. Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah. The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own. Christmas Lights No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung. Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me. Fruit Almost as good as Christmas lights. Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it. Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire. Plastic Fruit We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room. Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.” Gourds I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff. Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it. Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration. The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration. Paper Chain The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it. The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet. Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying. Paper That Opens Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up. Tiki Torches You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone. 7 Species of Israel This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees. No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYelech9/15/2021 
Dr. Maydit stole money from the local bank. He then broke into the art gallery. It was a local school exhibit, called ‘Stuff The Parents Would’ve Thrown Out.’ He also takes money from the poor and gives to the rich. He’s like a modern day Robin Hood. And he gives money to the shul.
The Old people are now coloring their hair some kind of orange red thing. Don’t know who’s convinced them that it looks good. I think the eyes go and they think ‘that looks like a redhead.’ They take the redhead part literally. They ignore the fact it’s orange. Now the older congregants are licking their fingers. I can’t use a siddur to daven anymore. All the pages are stuck together. The rabbi was really mad about the Rosh Hashana tunes. He literally took the Bima. He kicked the Chazin off and took over. Then he started singing the tunes he loves. He started with the Mordechai Ben David (MBD) stuff. People were in shock when he threw in a Carlebach. The MBD songs are perfectly sad. That reflected everybody's mood when they realized how much they sinned. Especially the sinners who were trying to harmonize with the Chazin. Sinner enablers was a new concept spoken about in the rabbi's class on Teshuva, and they definitely have to repent for enabling the Chazin. The rabbi was so happy the rest of the week, humming the tunes, even on Tzom Gedaliah. It was a fast day and he felt it. It was inspirational to see him. I have never seen somebody so content in being a sinner and singing about how bad they are. For the sake of community Shalom, there was a Simcha seating chart workshop. You’ve got to know who not to sit next to each other at Bar Mitzvahs. Many community fights were caused by poor seating arrangements. I still don't know how Frank ended up at the kids' table. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom vChatima Tova Oy Oy Oy Oy Bratzon… Sorry. Still thinking of the Rosh Hashana songs I sung… Love them… Once I kicked the Chazin off the Bima, it was great… You’re a felon… You’re not opening the ark on Yom Kippur… you stole huge funds… It’s in the news… we’re taking the money. That’s fine… No Kibudim. No honors… You couldn’t even sponsor a Kiddish… It was 3 million. In the news. At least some whitefish salad. You also stole his seat… You sat in the wrong seat for Rosh Hashana… That's stealing. Just one more thing to ask forgiveness for this High Holiday season... It's not the season of forgiveness. It's the season of asking for forgiveness... Yes. And giving money to shul. This is an appeal... Chazin did the wrong tunes again… You’re probably going to get the 'Ki Anu Amecha' on Yom Kippur wrong… Need the beat down… I can’t do this anymore. Moshe tells the people he cannot lead anymore. Moshe is getting old… I’m forty-eight. It’s enough… (Devarim 31:2) 'I am 120...I cannot go out and come anymore.' He was too tired to work anymore. Because you Jewish people burn a man out… I don't know if I can work with this congregation anymore, either. You always ask for help here, help there. Figure out the Halacha for yourself. For crying out loud. I am now also thinking about retiring, unless if I get a raise... Who told you to get red metallic hair dye??? Figure things out. 120 years old and you’re still asking him questions. ‘Can you put hot gravy on cold meat?’… Learn the laws of Shabbat. Open up a Sefer… That’s a book. Another question. You see. None of you repent. The Chazin doesn’t repent. Dr. Maydit with his three million… You couldn’t even give candies to the kids. Be a candy man at least… And now the olde people are coloring their hair metallic orange. Red. I don't know… It’s not a color. Ronald McDonald is not Jewish… Yom Kippur is coming up. How about asking your rabbi for forgiveness. For stealing his time. For parking in his spot… And you stole my parking spot… Rashi says that Moshe said that Moshe says ‘Today I have filled my days and years. This day I was born. This day I will die…’ I got hired on Yom Kippur. I was in shul and you offered me a job. The rabbi was giving a sermon and Bernie walked over to me in the middle of it and asked if I wanted to work… He was mad that the rabbi was saying that it’s important to repent… It is important, Bernie… The day you hired me was like death... Rashi continues to comment on the words, ‘H’ said to me “you won’t cross the Jordan.”’ He says it’s because H’ said so. It was then that his wisdom was lost… H' gives us our wisdom and power. Moshe knew that was it. He came full circle... H' did not tell you to not go to Israel. That's a lie. Sadie. You should be going to Israel... Moshe was not trying to get out of a shul trip to the Holy Land... He would've enjoyed the falafel... What have you done because H’ told you?... That’s the problem… You do stuff in this shul because you said to do it. And that’s why the Siddurs are all misDedicated… You dedicated it in memory of their great-grandchild’s granddaughter… They’re not even around… Moshe is saying he can’t lead the people who are there, and Yehoshua is going to take over…Because H’ said. It's all from H.' Even the misDedicated Siddurs. But you don't see it... You don't see it, because it's misDedicated... Next time, dedicate the Siddur to H.' How about that... Let’s play a game of H’ said… H’ said you are sinners. Who is going to lead? H' will lead you. It says Joshua. But we know it's H'... Have a little faith. Go fight the wars by yourselves… The inter-shul basketball league is going to start and H' is not on our side… We don't hear H' telling us to be (31:6) 'strong and courageous' because you're sinners... This is when Moshe steps down… He had to answer too many questions… Learn the Halachas already. If there would’ve been a Mishna Berura, Moshe might have continued a bit… He said he was old and tired, but he didn’t decay at all… He just got sick of having to answer questions... Yes. Sukkot is coming up. Build a Sukkah. You see. I have to answer these questions still. Can't look it up on the internet... Song Break. Mey'eylitz Yoshe... Speaking of grandparents. Metallic orange red hair??? I have no idea if it’s orange or red. That’s not a hair color… No. It doesn’t look good… It works on cars. We know… Ronald McDonald is not Jewish… His houses are beautiful… Because he donated money… The point is that time is of the essence. There are wars to fight. You’re wasting your time with baseball cards… Teshuva. You only have 120 years… Give the kids baseball cards… We need more kids to love shul… They hate it because they don’t get candy… They need candy. That’s why they come to shul… Cards? You won’t even give cards. You’re stealing them, but you won’t give the kids cards. And you expect me to lead this… Kids come to shul for convenience store items... Sorry I was singing the tunes the whole day… The Rosh Hashana tunes are still in my mind. Love the MBD... Yes. It’s Shabbat Shuva and that was a Drasha… Repent… Repent. I can’t lead these sinners anymore… You see. I have to tell you to repent. Just do it. Stop asking me... And stop licking your fingers. It’s disgusting. The pages don’t turn anymore. We have cigar lick on some of the pages as well… The pages don’t age that fast, Bernie. We bought them two years ago… COVID means nothing when you’re reading. You have masks, sanitizer, PPE, but when you’re turning pages… It’s disgusting. Teshuva. Repent for your disgustingness… I can’t lead you because you’re dirty and carrying disease. I’m too old to be near your disgustingness. If you want me to continue, the older people have to dye their hair normal... The color is 'normal'... Brown will do. I can't lead metallic orange congregants... It's not racism. It's not a haircolor... No more licking paper. All Siddurs are going to have a wash down. And no more asking me questions... That was a question... No speeches from congregants either... Because at QandAs you each give a speech... No. You didn't ask a question last time, Bernie. You shared your political thoughts and ended it with an upper note... A high note at the end of a two paragraph statement is not a question... And no more sitting me with... Did they ever apologize to Moshe? Rivka’s Thoughts on Rabbi Mendelechem’s Drasha The rabbi stood up to Dr. Maydit. He didn’t want a felon opening the ark. I think he was afraid he would steal the Torah. And to note. He stole, but he didn’t pay his dues. The rabbi's abilities to turn any sermon into an appeal and reprimanding is amazing. The dedication to H' siddur campaign brought no money to the shul. There was not one congregant that claimed to be a relative to Gd. Rosh Hashana seating was messed up. The chart was put together by the Grosefelds, who had put Frank at the kids table. One guy stood at the Chazin’s spot. He stood right at the prayer table. Put his siddur up on the table. He claimed that it wasn’t marked. The rabbi had to explain that it’s because it wasn’t a seat. It’s where services are led from. Nobody in the shul went over to him to tell him. Nobody says anything in our shul. Somebody could be dancing and people would feel it proper to let them go, jumping around the shul. Nobody would go over and tell them, ‘It’s Yizkur.’ Mr. Simlowitz would say that our loved ones who passed would love to see dancing. The Yizkur tune does not call for dancing. Cards and candies were in abundance at shul for the next month. Kids from all over town were coming. Even adults were coming to get the cards. Non-Jewish adults were lining up during Musaf. The MBD tunes were amazing. The rabbi protested the barber who was giving those haircuts. All the sudden, the shul wanted a long Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They didn’t feel like the rabbi gave them enough time to repent. His message of 'Repent' said it all. The rabbi kept his job afterwards. He got a bit of a raise. That’s all he wanted. He was truly fine with Dr. Maydit, after he paid his dues and ensured the rabbi’s raise. The rabbi didn’t speak much of COVID, but he did speak about how people should follow the rules of social distance, to not sneeze on him. He also made it clear that people were disgusting before the whole COVID thing. That’s why they had to tell people to clean themselves. He insists to not shake anybody's hand, until they have proven their ability to only sneeze into their left hand, as he always shakes with the right. I believe elbow pounding is going to be happening for a while in shul. I hope that Max doesn't injure anybody else with his elbow attacks. Tags:
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Married people praying for the single people behind them to get married. The single men are praying that there is a single woman on the other side of the Mechitza. (Photo: Amanda Borschel-Dan's article in TOI)
Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life. But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it.
As a woman, I will give you some advice. Yizkur Yes. The memorial service. Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love. We Feel Bad I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics. On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness. Step Out for Yizkur This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside. This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways. The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis. You Don't Have To Look Good Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK. Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress. Make It Look Like You're Devout During the service, they're checking you out. Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd. Don't Do Shiva Houses Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur. Simchat Torah Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you. The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl. Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis. In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore. After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. Tags:
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That guy is not happy, as it is 6am and the guy decided to blow the shofar right next to him (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues. Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out. It’s Too Early They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness. Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven. Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel. I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him. I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute. The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. Devout starts at 7:30am. I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep. I’m not to blame. I’m tired. Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up. I Have No Idea What the Words Mean My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me. I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do. I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know. I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions. I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7. I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am. I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune. I am a Slow Reader I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind. They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything. Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly. I Didn’t Do all The Sins I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody. I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day. I'm Trying Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation. If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too. I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. The Shofar Gets Me Mad This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent. Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan. I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Nitzavim9/3/2021 
Rosh Hashana preparation is going on. The Steinmans are sinning. They don’t feel they have enough to repent for this year. They've been wreaking havoc all over town. They even pulled a knife on the minimart guy and told him they hadn't done enough this year. They even said 'thank you for making this a meaningful High Holidays for us.'
Everybody is worried about the pandemic. So, we closed down the shul. Now that people had no idea where to daven, we opened up another shul. Even with the separation, the rabbi pulled everybody together for the speech. He claimed that speeches don't spread pandemics, just prayers. Kids are all back from camp. They’re running around the shul, scuffing up the floors, and missing their camp friends. That will end by next week, when they realize their camp friends don’t care. The rabbi is doing his best to bring the whole community together. He feels that the Jewish community as a whole can use more Achdut, oneness. The rabbi said, ‘We are one community and that means that we should all be together even if we daven, pray, at different shuls.’ The rabbi received tons of mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together? Do you not care about people?’ The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Mendelchem of pouching their members. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages. The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. In castigating the rabbi, they all mentioned what is known as ‘these time.’ They are saying that the rabbi should know how important the pandemic is to our people, and that he should not be bringing anybody together. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon A Guten Shabbat Everybody standing here today… It’s Parshat Nitzavim… You stand. You are part of the community… Today!!! Stand. Everybody stand… Bernie is still sitting… I know you’re 92. Did the 90-year-olds not stand, when Moshe said ‘all of you standing here today’? You think they were sitting, saying ‘I have a bad back’?... Maybe they were dead. Good point… The Levites didn’t die… If they weren’t killed beforehand, they were standing… As long as you are standing, you don’t have to separate. It’s safe… In this week's Parsha H' calls us together in order that we be a nation to Him… How are we to become a nation?... No. To Him. To be a nation not to Gd... To be a nation not to Gd, you can sit. You guys sit all the time in shul... A nation to Him? Everybody. The people of Israel, who left Egypt, saw the miracles of H'… Now, those who were born in the desert come together… They stand. All of them. The Jewish people. (Devarim 29:9-10) 'You are standing today, all of you, before H’… The heads of the tribes, the elders, the police, the children, the women, the converts, from the wood cutter to the water drawer'… Everybody stands before H’… Not just the Chazin. You fall asleep in the services and... His tunes are not good. i know. But, you have to also do your part. Stand... You stand for the Amidah... When we do an action, we do it as one... Minyin. You don't show for Minyin... Of course, the water drawers. You don’t see water drawers because you don’t invite them into the community. They’re a people too… ‘Standing Today.’ The only requirement is we stand before H' together… Stand... No. Together. Put your arms around each other… Let’s sing 'Bilvavi' for a second… Feel the sway. You build a Temple in your heart. Exactly… No excuses… Now they’re leaving shul… I said nothing about the pandemic… The CDC said we can’t sway??? Everybody, Even the annoying people. And we all know how annoying the woodcutters can be… We have to accept them… We cannot leave Mr. Kirshnowitz out of shul activities. He gets in everybody's way. Brings up very offensive conversation. Yes he is annoying, but we still have to invite him to our children's bar and bat mitzvahs. He's part of the community, even though he is very irritating. The Fleishblooms too… Even with their dog that licks everybody… And Max with his harmony… No. We have to accept him… Yes. He’s loud. But we have to accept his annoyance to our prayers and how he throws off all the songs… It's not Lashon Hara. Everybody knows it and he's right here. Mr. Kirshnowitz would say exactly what I'm telling him. He's annoying and he... You don't tell people they are not looking healthy, because they are overweight. You don't equate that with why nobody likes them... It's offensive... That is what community is about, the annoying people... How much life do they bring? A lot. The annoying people in our congregation allow us the chance to complain. Which is why we joined this congregation. It's the annoying people that make us a nation… They give us something to do at Kiddish… An ‘Am Kshei Oreph.’ And how annoying are the stiff-necked people?! So thank you Mr. Kirshnowitz for being an annoyance. We are all standing… Got to stand… Stand already… Another second of swaying… OK. We can go on. We cannot do it alone. I know that the Gabai doesn't want helpers, but you have to work together with the congregation. It must be done together, unless you are Jammy… We are very proud of you for winning the game the other day and making the right decision. You should never pass the ball to your teammates. Passing the ball to your teammates is what loses games… The Gabai needs help... You don't even know Max's Hebrew name. You have to look on a card... He's been a member for 80 years. Mr. Kirshnowitz, please tell him how bad he is at Gabaiing... Soon, people are going to have to call themselves up to the Torah. That's how bad... We become a nation to H'. Not just the people that are there that day, but all the people. Now. Then. We are a nation... If you stand, we're a nation... You're sitting. Together, as the nation is the people that even weren't around then. All of this, in order that we will be a nation to H.' Not a nation to futz around in the shul library… It’s a Beis Medrish. Stop calling it a library. You're futzing… A Beis Medrish. A House of Torah Study with picture books about Israel. Exactly… You can learn Gemara or trace pictures of Tel Aviv. It's all Torah… We have to include everybody. Even the heretics that think Israel’s capital is Tel Aviv… No. We are not getting chairs. ‘Stand Before H.”’ Only standing in the Beis Medrish… That’s why everybody stands at Kiddish. You eat choolante before H'... As taught by my Abba, Shlita… Can't quote my dad? You get mad at me when I quote Artscroll. I'm going to quote my dad... So, he doesn't have an acronym. He's still an important rabbi... He taught, even water drawers… The word 'Nitzavim' is used for standing before H'. It is the same root word used in VaYetze, where it speaks of Yaakov's ladder, 'Mitzuv artza,' standing in the ground- as we must be rooted in the ground, if we are to reach Heaven… Can you stand with your feet in the air?... Exactly. You need to be rooted. Like a water drawer… They're not rooted in the water... You have to be rooted in this world, in order to be a nation. You have to be connected. A nation connected with H'... I know it's a nice lesson. Thank you. You can come up with acronym for him... This is why we are not for the Jewish children living in Nachlaot... They have to get jobs… Does it say ‘and those who don’t draw water’? It says ‘from water drawers to woodcutters’… Yes. It’s a job. $1,000 a tree in my front yard. It’s a job… Well. I'm paying. A nation together, with goals. Goals together… (Devarim 29:11) ‘To pass in the Brit (Covenant) of H’ your Gd and His curses that H’ your Gd seals with you today’… We have to stand together to pass in the Brit… It’s today. It’s always today. We have to be ready for the covenant… The goal is the Brit... It's active. That's why you stand... If we don’t accept the Brit, it kills the curses… Yes. The curses are good. Ever got a good curse… A British extended ‘you’ makes an excellent curse. Like with the witches… The Torah was not talking about the British. H’ was not being derogatory against the commonwealth when He said ‘Brit’… I know you don't like British people, Bernie... He was talking about the covenant… With the Jews. Not the British. The British people are not part of the covenant. They’re not good woodcutters… She can’t give a curse, because it sounds too nice. Americans don’t have good cursing ability… You’ve got to get passion in there. Moshe expressed the curses with passion… Because he led you people. I understand him… A good curse means He cares… Mr. Kirshnowitz. Can you please show us how to curse somebody... See, Bernie. That's how you do it... You stand the kids there. They’ve got to do the stuff too… The kids have to do something… You’re the youth director. Do you daven with them?... Have them play a game. Something... No. Your kids are messed up. You're messing them up... Today. We can’t wait. Do something already… Rosh Hashana is coming up this week… That’s today. We’re going to be standing before H,’ together. Just don’t kill it for us, like the woodcutters… Repent now, as one... Standing is necessary for repentance. It's painful enough to be considered atonement. Standing and spending twelve hours in shul. We’re going to be inviting everybody on Yom Kippur at Kol Nidrei… And we have to stand then too… Yes. The annoying people. Even the ones that don’t share the armrest… And yes. The water drawers are a very important part of our community. You wouldn’t know, because you don’t invite them… There are people drawing water all the time… We stand together. Even with Bernie… Yes. He’s a non-believer… Well, you don’t believe in me, Bernie. Every day we have to stand before Gd like we are receiving the Torah, together… Even more so on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur... You don't want to end up in hell... The board voted. This Rosh Hashana, everybody is going to be standing alone. Very far apart. Standing away from other Jews… It is against the shul’s policy to stand together to pray. We're going to have a Minyin apart... For the speeches, we can stand together. You usually don’t like what I say, Kim. It’s like a protest… Shabbat Shalom Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon There are a lot of British people in our congregation. People standing for the rabbi’s sermon really helped. Not one person fell asleep. For the first time, all were listening. Now the rabbi is making people use an acronym when they call him. The rabbi's talk about unity got people real mad. Many didn't want to come back to shul. They insisted that unity is the worst thing for our people. The rabbi seemed to have made up pandemic rules. I think he said that you can’t catch COVID if you’re standing. He said that he didn’t come up with that rule and it was one of the CDC guidelines. The rabbi brought up the protests as proof that you can’t catch a virus while standing. With all the standing, I have a feeling there was a pandemic going on in the desert. That's why Moshe told them to stand. Maybe it was a protest, and protests don't transfer diseases when people are standing. The crazy thing is that once he said 'the CDC,' everybody believed him and went along with it. He started using the CDC to get people to keep Mitzvot. He said that the CDC said you have to keep Shabbis and not talk Lashon Hara, because of the pandemic. He even brought up the state's DOH to tell people they can't drive on Shabbis. After Rosh Hashana, we stopped following the restrictions. Everybody in the community hated the restrictions and the rabbi’s speeches are too long to stand for. The rabbi really cares about the water drawers. I think he knows that people don’t draw water anymore and that the faucets work. He just likes the idea of not having to deal with congregants. Mr. Kirshnowitz was empowered by the rabbi's speech. He told Sadie she is too old to enjoy a Chag. He said that holidays can only be enjoyed by people who are not 90 years old. The rabbi had a High Holidays Repentance Seminar on how to treat people. He brought in Mr. Kirshnowitz and told everybody, 'This is the perfect example. Don't be like Mr. Kirshnowitz.' Mr. Kirshnowitz was extremely honored. With the singing, the rabbi really had the people feeling it. I could tell, because their eyes were closed. Some of them closed their eyes because they didn't want the virus getting in them. They didn't have eye masks on. Tags:
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My shul is looking for a seasoned Chazzan this Rosh Hashana. Applicants must reveal how much salt and pepper they're wearing.
You get it? Seasoned means experienced and spices. Brilliance. I couldn't read my notes at the memorial service and thought it was emotions, till I was told 'It's Yahrzeit.' (Rabbi Mendel's) You get it? The Yahrzeit is the yearly day of commemoration of one’s passing. Said fast, it’s pronounced ‘your site.' A dark pun for Shabbat Nachamu. We wanted to play something that wasn't too exciting, so we played a board game. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? Board. Bored. Like any good pun, it has to be phonetic. Close your eyes and say it now. You see?! And it's Jewish tradition to play board games on Shabbat. The shul's Torah wasn't kosher, so some congregants went on Sefaria for a Torah scroll. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? The shul needed a new Torah scroll. The congregants went to Sefaria, a computer program with Torah, that people learn from. You scroll down a website! The young man in shul was pursuing the girl, so he took her to the Beit Din, to court her. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? Beit Din is a court. You court for romance. This week's Parsha talks about court and righteous judgment. I would like to thank my student, Bella, for her help on this brilliance. We did a show for soldiers who laughed at everything. They were a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? Captive audience is people who have to be there. People taken captive are prisoners. The soldiers were laughing cause they had to. The Parsha talks of a woman taken captive. The Shofar guy at our shul last year. I don't know what others are thinking. He really blew it. You get it? You blow the shofar. 'He blew it' means he did a bad job. Didn't blow well. Double meaning.
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People love Seders. Now they're reliving Pesach on Rosh Hashana too. This is my first time seeing gefilte fish on a Seder plate. That's definitely scarier than a fish head (credit Jewish Boston)
Rosh Hashana begins with a meal, as all Jewish holidays, and we pull out fruit and vegetables, eat them as 'signs,' and ask Gd to make the coming year a good one. That always means better than last year. The previous year was never that great. It was decent, but it could be better. So, we ask Gd for a good year and show Him some of the fruit and vegetables that could've had a longer shelf life. Thus, we ask for a better year where the cucumbers don't spoil after three days in the fridge.
We have a beautiful huge meal, to make up for any food we might have lost out on the year prior. We don't want to go into the year thin. That would give us nothing to do. Nothing to pray for. Last year, I dieted all year. I also sinned a bit, so I would have something to ask Gd for during the Ten Days of Repentance. With all that in mind, I shall tell you about what I now know every Jew should be prepared for when in Israel. Eating in America Did Not Prepare Me Known as Simanim, the signs at the meal, I grew up with an apple in the honey and a pomegranate representing Mitzvot. That is all my Ashkenazik upbringing prepared me for; cute little blessings of a sweet new year and a stained shirt. We would even sing a cute song, just in case somebody was scared of apples and honey. We sung the song 'dip the apple in the honey, say a blessing loud and clear. Shana Tova uMituka, have a happy sweet new year.' It was cute and harmless. The pomegranate wasn't harmless, so we didn't sing a song about it. We just said that it represents a lot of Mitzvot, and accepted the fact that our shirt would get stained. Israel was nothing like this. There was no cute song. The apple-honey rhyme didn't work in Hebrew. I don't know if it's every dinner, but whatever song that family was singing my first Rosh Hashana in Israel had me feeling the Pesach Seder all over again. Everything sounded like 'Ha Lachma Anya' to me, and I was in for a shock. They sung with real deep voices that I was not prepared for, due to their size. The only thing that my Jewish upbringing in America prepared me for was eating a lot. My First Interaction with Violent Fruit The Israeli family brought out beautiful fruits and a fish head. The fish head kind of went with the 'Ha Lachma Anya' feeling of leaving Egypt. And the next thing I know, the whole table started focusing on enemies. They were using fruit to curse out our foes. That was when I knew that I will never mess with an Israeli while they are eating. They started taking carrots in their hands and saying that 'Gd should cut down our enemies like a carrot.' I learned later that the root word for carrot in Hebrew is the same root as 'cutting down.' They went through all the fruits on the table. Even the gummy strawberry was used to mock those who try to bring us down. Personally, I would think that if you give a gummy strawberry to an enemy, they're going to be your friend. They'll stop attacking and start picking gumminess out of their teeth. Don't Mess With Israelis The shock continued at that dinner, and the next night's dinner too, where the family pulled out squash. I started seeing our Jewish people in a whole new light. We are a relaxed people, passive in nature, but you throw fruit and vegetables into the equation and we get very violent. When we summon Gd while eating gourds, we are not a people you want to mess with. Work in a rhyme and we are wiping out all evil beings. Work in a pun and decrees of judgment are raining down. Peace ruling the world through seasonal local produce. And watch out if they start with alliterations. 'Crazy criminal counterattack country' is what I’m talking about, with 'kumquats.' More People Do It One of the tables I was at a couple years years ago pulled out a carrot, whose root must have many meanings, and said, ‘May it be Thy will… that their decrees be those of judgment.’ And then, they cut a fruit and said that the juice should blind the enemies, like it did the owners of the house when they squeezed it by accident. I Am Scared That last meal had me scared. The shock of my first Rosh Hashana in Israel turned into fear. I started picturing the horrors that carrots can do to people. With a Hebrew name whose root means ‘decrees,’ I was scared to eat. I didn’t want to know the food's verdict. I had nightmares about cucumbers and tomatoes. I started having flashbacks to pickles and pickled tomatoes I had growing up. I didn’t eat Israeli salad for half a year. I was eating falafel with a pita, tahini, and that’s it. I couldn’t use Chumus either. At that last dinner, they said something about Chumus and Hamas. I am over much of my fear. I now eat with my family on Rosh Hashana, and we dunk the apple, saying, ‘May this be a sweet new year.’ I don't believe my family can handle floral self-defense. Going back to my Ashkenazik roots, I wanted to stop with all the other requests that angiosperms can bring. I was still scared of the Israeli salad, cut up so small. It hit me that fruits can be used for good and evil. Food can be used for good and evil. You can own a fruit shop, like my grandpa, and provide people with star fruit, so they can eat something on Rosh Hashana they would never want to eat otherwise. It took me a while, but I learned my lesson. And I now know what the Simans are for. I feel it is time we embrace our tradition and focus on eating fruit and vegetables that will wipe out the evil from our lives. I am not scared of my Israeli brethren. I know that they are using vegetation to protect us. It is about wiping evil out of our lives, so that our year can be one of blessing. A year where we don't have to eat fennel. A year, where we put on weight from the sugar found in plantation. Ever since those first Rosh Hashana dinners, I have had nightmares about carrots. When they pop up in coleslaw, I'm taken aback. I am never eating carrots again, just in case there's another root I don't know about. Please don't mention Tzimis. As for you, you should enjoy all the fruits and vegetables at the Rosh Hashana dinner. And don't be scared of carrots. I am still in shock and trying to figure out how carrots can free us from our enemies. You should all have a sweet new year, where our enemies rot like carrots. A year where people can finally laugh at puns and not judge them. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Ki Tavo8/27/2021 
Kids were running all over the stage. No candy was thrown. They’re just running. They were using the ark curtain as a cape. It’s out of hand.
This new parenting thing is not working. The parents bring their kids to shul and let them run wild. They believe that as long as the children are contained, they’ve done their job as a parent. The fact that I can’t say the Amida and pray without a child knocking into me is not the parents’ worry. The new ideal is for your child to love religion. I think the kids love jumping. They jump on the Bima (stage). They jump on the chairs, in shul. They used the community Chanukiah as a slide. I don't think they love religion. They love playing on religion in our shul. It's either let the children play, or send them to camp. If you teach them Torah, they will hate their religion. If they toss the books, they'll love it. Need that kid who gives the Mussar, ‘you have to learn Torah or you’re going to hell.’ I love when he gives the Dvar Torahs. The rebuke is amazing. It makes me feel good knowing that the other members in the shul are going to hell. The little ones need to hear that, so they’ll stop running on the Bima. For candy it’s fine. You can run in the shul for candy. It’s fine to throw candy at the Torah, if a Bar Mitzvah boy was reading. Ufrufs also. Truth is they do such a bad job reading. I believe that the candy throwing dates back to the stoning rituals. If you can’t read the Torah well, you’re definitely not keeping the Mitzvot. And they must’ve stoned the Bar Mitzvah boys for that. They turn thirteen and they’re required in the commandments. It only takes one day of sinning to deserve a stoning. So, we hand out candy to whip at them, because we know they're going to mess up. I’m really not happy with these Sunkist jelly candies being thrown. I think it’s making our kids weak. That’s what the rabbi says. He wants us to bring back the jawbreakers to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boys. I think he’s mad because he has to teach them Bar Mitzvah lessons, and they can’t read Hebrew real well. Stone them. It well definitely help toughen them up for basketball season. We lost again to Beit Kneset HaGadol vHaMitzuyan. We’ve got to toughen our kids up, and we have to stop feeding them Sunkist jellies. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon A Guten Shabbos My Kehillah. I want to welcome the new Candyman. Our dear tailor, Mr. Heimlowitz… No need to throw candy now… I know it ruins the kids’ pants, Mrs. Borstein. It’s indirect though… There’s no Mitzvah to jump on the ground for candy… Your kid was dancing on the Bima… It’s the middle of my speech… I threw candy so people would think she was up here, crawling, for a reason… Great Kippahs at the Feinblum Bat Mitzvah. A shoutout… I know. It fits great. Check it out… I took eight… The family didn’t need them. They all came to shul with their own… I don’t know why the Wisemans all wear the same Kippah. You’re not taking pictures on Shabbat. Don’t need a uniform. It’s not a Simcha… Every Shabbat is a Simcha. That’s correct. And that’s why I took extra Feinblum Kippahs. Amazing cooking at the Bat Mitzvah too. Great to have Kimmy back… The Bal Teshuva is judging me for putting down the Kippahs. Can you please stop judging everybody?! You stare at us and we feel like you think we’re heretics… I know you think we’re heretics. But we practice the traditions correctly… Upon bringing the Bikkurim (the first fruits required to be redeemed)… There were baskets... Yes. Wicker… I don’t know if they had the doilies or Bar Mitzvah Kippahs in the baskets, like we do at shul… Doilies are a very important tradition. That’s how we tell who the heretics are. Doilies and Bar Mitzvah yarmulkes that don’t fit… The Feinblum one fits. It’s for religious people. That’s how you judge people, Mr. Bal Teshuva. And they didn't have Bal Teshuvas judging them for not bringing decent fruits... Gd was judging them... (Devarim 26:11) The Torah teaches ‘And you shall “BE HAPPY” with all the good that H' has given you and your house’… Yes. You put good fruits in the wicker… Because Gd gave it to you. You don’t put the cucumbers that have been sitting in the fridge… The bottom gets spoiled. You’re going to bring H’ your spoiled stuff? Does that make Him happy?... You’re sharing your happiness with H.’ You don’t bring your bad stuff and thank Him for giving you the Simnowitz Cheesecake… It tastes disgusting. All soft and spongy. It’s a sponge cake. Not a cheesecake. You must be happy. Happiness? That is a hard demand… Yes, it says it. A commandment to be happy. You have a house, you selfish, good for nothing, entitled ingrate... You have no right to not be happy… And the children of this congregation running around the halls who have never shown an ounce of appreciation, as you have told them they deserve. Deserve? They deserve nothing… Candy at Bar Mitzvahs and Kippahs from decent Bat Mitzvahs they were invited to. They deserve that… They don’t deserve… Why is she still running up here? Usually, the dad does the carryout at this point. The quick pick up and carryout… Yes. That disturbs the sermon. But the kid is out and you can give her candy… Then bring candy next time. Stop with the Cheerios bags. They want candy... No. Take her. I have no more candy on me. Rashi speaks about Happiness meaning a time of happiness. The holidays. But the point still stands, to be happy… Ever seen yourself in shul on a Chag? It’s depressing, Bernie… I hear countless complaints from your spouses. ‘I’m slaving… the preparation’… Then help. You think that nobody helped carry the Bikurim baskets to Jerusalem? The family helped… You proclaim the Viduy… You confess because you messed up. I’ve seen you carry stuff. It spills… You definitely mess up your tithing... Everybody here has been complaining about the upcoming holidays for the past few months. Wahwahwah. The services are too long. You have services. You have a Chazan (cantor or chazin) who you have to pay for. Appreciate him… Yes, he went long again today. And it was painful. Very painful… Somebody should’ve thrown candy at him… You should be happy all the time… Because Gd gave you life. Appreciate it. Eat candy. And stop complaining about the kids’ pants… They’re in kindergarten. What are you shopping at Prada for?… You see. You don’t deserve… If you would just find joy in wicker and dried fruit... How do we learn to appreciate? How do we become happy? See the statement that we are told to declare upon bringing the 'First Fruits' to the priests, in Jerusalem. You state how our fathers were slaves in Egypt, they were tortured, H' heard our cry and brought us to Israel... Yes. There were more attacks. Remember the bad stuff. That's how you celebrate... (Devarim 26:5) ‘An Aramean (sought to) destroy my forefather’… You don’t want people to sought after you… Rashi explains that Lavan pursued Yakov. He wanted to annihilate all the Jews… There weren’t too many at the time. It was a family… Yes. We’re a family… Since Lavan wanted to do kill the Jews, and that was what he intended, H’ considered it as though he had done it (Sifrei 26:5)... Intention of evil is like doing it yourself. It’s as if you perpetuated the act (Yerushalmi Peah 1:1)… Yes. Got that from the Artscroll. I have seen the looks the Bal Teshuva… OK. Reuven. We’ll call you Reuven… Intention of evil is the act itself… You couldn’t ruin the Kippahs. You wanted to… Yakov is too great. Just like these Kippahs. They fit so well... But you intended evil. You messed up the candying of the Bar Mitzvah boy last week... It's tradition to hurt him with sweets... You perpetuate bad when you don’t realize the good you have. Lavan was looking at Yakov and what he had. He didn’t think about what he has himself. Lavan didn’t think to share his wealth… He complained. Just like Ms. Feinblum who complains about having to prepare for the holidays, and doesn't pay her dues… So how do you find happiness?... Exactly. You remember the real bad stuff. That's how you celebrate. Family fights... Remember what you have and appreciate it. Appreciate that you're able to bring gifts. Appreciate where we were as a people. How bad it was. And give a gift. I didn’t get any gifts for my birthday last year, as the congregation doesn’t care… If you would just realize that life is not good, you would love it… You expect too much from the family… Have the kids ever helped?... Exactly. Expect nothing and you will love them… I’m sure they yelled when the kids joined them on the Bikurim trip. Family trips are awful. And that makes happiness... If you just loved dried fruits and wicker... H' gave us the land of Israel. We cried out to H', when it was bad… Prayer works. Why you don’t come to shul?... You’re not grateful. I get it… When we see the land of Israel, we see Gd's gift to us. You might not know, because none of you paid to go on the shul trip last year… It’s when we feel appreciation, and give back, that is when we feel happiness... You can give back. If you gave Tzedakah (charity), you could give back… You don't give. You feel happy upon recognizing who you are, where you come from, and who has done you good. HAKARAT HATOV. Recognizing the good... You appreciate the racist country club didn't accept us for $30,000 a year... They didn't want you and you had to fight to give them money, instead of paying our shul's fees, or tuition to the day school... Mr. Silverberg, yes, the other parents are paying for their children. The school needs the $18,000 tuition to pay for the teachers' $28,000 a year salary and it is chai חי. חי is meaningful and thus we pay it. We cried out when they were beating us with whips and H' answered us and gave us Israel. Which is why we pay teachers $28,000... Yes. And paying full tuition… So, that other people can afford a Bar Mitzvah. You can’t be the only one bringing the baskets. Others need to be able to afford to plant too… Their kids are starving, because you don’t pay tuition… The bodega guy hasn’t done any of us a good. $5 for a half gallon. No. I don’t appreciate him… We feel good when we give back… Appeal… Your rabbi has given you so much, what have you given him back? There is the new rabbi fund supporting the rabbis new home for children of the rabbi. Have you shown your appreciation? Given back? Are you happy?... You should give money to the kids going to Israel appeal… They can buy dried fruits there. That’s good enough. Many people put those in wicker… You would be happy if you gave something and stopped going on vacations down south… No. Pay tuition in full and you’ll be happy... You can’t be happy when you have it good… They probably covered the wicker with a napkin on the inside... Giving teachers money could be considered Tzedakah. Good question... And stop giving to your children... No. They’re not perfect… That’s why they’re ingrateful. They think they deserve candy. Coming up on the Bima… You’re spoiling them. Giving them fruit jellies. Don't hurt the next generation and make the think they are worthy. Those selfish little... Running to kiddush and taking all the food before the adults get there. The adults also like the chocolate glazed Entenmann's. How can adults be happy when all they have are plain doughnuts? Sometimes just doughnut holes... Make them say thank you. Is the candyman the only adult that expects a little 'Todah'? Appreciation. Give back. Take yourself out of your spoiled little entitled world, and be happy... Have a give candy to Mr. Candyman Shabbat. Be happy… Fruit in wicker made them happy. We have to look back to when things were real bad… (Devarim 26:1) Can only bring Bikurim when in Israel… Lavan was trying to keep us from keeping the commandments of a people in their land… Aliyah? Anybody? Not going to happen… Lavan could’ve seen the blessing of Israel, but he didn’t. Like the whole left corner who doesn’t send their kids to Israel… After high school, they do a gap year. That’s what they do. Tradition… Then maybe signup for the shul trip next spring. (Devarim 26:9) H’ brought us from Egypt and our affliction to ‘a land flowing with milk and honey.' They even appreciated milk and honey… They appreciated what they had. It wasn’t flowing with steak… Good point. Who doesn't love honey in their cereal... Yes. Golden Grahams are the best... And when you have had it bad and you now have it good, you want to share… We're not asking you to share your post cereal milk. We know it's amazing, Frank. Thank you for... If we understand who we were, and that all we have is a gift, then we wouldn't be so selfish. Maybe you would stop complaining about the shnurrer guy, asking for charity, who has not stopped knocking on my door this week... I support your Yeshiva, Rabbi Carterberg. It is nice to have you here this Shabbat, where you cannot bother the congregants. Hit up Mr. Silverberg after Shabbat. 24 Horthorne Drive… You want to share. (Devarim 26:11) ‘then you shall rejoice… you the Levi, and the stranger…’ Rejoice with all. Share. After acknowledging Gd’s good, you share. That’s how you rejoice. You send invites. You give something to the Levis. You pay tuition… Yes. I am a Levi. And you have the chutzpah to expect a gift… You give a Levi a gift on his birthday… Joy comes from Gd’s good. You share it with Gd. And you share it with the Levi and the stranger… Then leave your doors open every once in a while. Somebody might come in. You might get a Mitzvah… The Gerwitzes didn’t share that last week… You didn’t send any invites to the Shabbat Chatan… It’s after understanding the hardship that we shall be happy. Happiness isn’t running on the Bima… Can you please get your kids off the thing… I will tell them. An Armeanean wanted to destroy your forefather… Now I have to explain what a forefather is? Who is educating these nursery schoolers??? You share candy at the Bar Mitzvah, and you make sure to hit the Bar Mitzvah boy. You send invites, so people know to come… Did Lavan share candy with Yakov?! That’s the issue. They probably fought over it… Didn’t have a good candy sharing system, which our shul is working on… Lavan probably didn't even invite Yakov to his son's Bar Mitzvah. That's what hate can do... In Israel, they share… The Bal Teshuva shares nothing… Comes to our house, eats and judges us… You share. You appreciate. You parent. You don’t let your kid run on the Bima… She’s back up here… I ran out of candy. Parent. Parent, so we can have Simcha… You give gifts. That’s what makes you happy. Knowing things are bad and giving gifts… All gifts have to be in baskets. Bikurim are about sharing and fighting. We finally have this beautifulness to give... When somebody comes to a Bar Mitzvah, you give them a yarmulke or a doily... Yes. That is an appeal for gifts… Good Shabbos. Even though you don't deserve it... I hope that brings you all joy. Mazel Tov. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha That may have been the longest speech I ever heard. I believe there were five appeals in that speech. Each one was a twelve minute appeal. Then, the rabbi gave a message to the Bat Mitzvah girl, who got up and talked. The Israel message got lost again. Nobody is moving. They don’t need first fruits. Krogers has excellent local produce. Everybody's fine with the newest fruits when they go Krogering. Krogering is a great activity that we should do as a shul. Every event, people complain about the food. We should go to the source, so nobody can complain about it. The rabbi did the shoutouts for a couple of weeks. He was trying to be hip. He thought it would connect him more with the youth. He didn't realize the youth wasn't forty years old. The kids were trying to figure out why the rabbi wanted to yell.' He wanted to do kiruv and bring them closer to Yiddishkeit (Judaism). After seeing Reuven, the Bal Teshuva, even the rabbi was not in favor of people becoming more religious. Reuven was constantly critiquing the rabbi. Nobody knows what the low teacher salaries has to do with reparations. How the rabbi brought that into the sermon. He was again, trying to connect to much with the young congregants and all that was happening last summer. The rabbi really looked good in the Kippah. The Feinblum Bat Mitzvah Kippah really fit his head. It cupped it perfectly. He’s been looking for a decent Kippah for years. The knit ones always look they’re falling off him. They don’t cup on the sides. I think people were listening to the sermon more this week, because they weren’t thinking about when the rabbi’s yarmulke is going to fall. Many of the interruptions have been because of fallen Kippahs in the middle of a rant of fervor, or people worrying the rabbi’s Kippah will fall off. The rabbi really went off on the congregants who don’t share. The next week, he forced the Felsenblums to have an open house. Their house is huge and he insisted they are not deserving of it if they don’t share it. They didn’t go for starting an orphanage in their home because they have a lot of money. I am with the rabbi. An orphanage would be right. I think only rich people should be sharing their stuff. They should be bringing it to Israel and sharing all of it. I asked the rabbi and he said poor people have to give Tzedakah too. That wasn't very woke of him. I don't know how he's going to give that message over in a sermon to the youth. People were worried they couldn’t use their money anymore, as they weren’t going to be bringing baskets to Jerusalem. The rabbi said that as long as they give money to the shul, they're fine. People also stopped complaining about holiday preparation, which caused a lot of family fights. He really did call them ingrates. I was so happy to see that. The kids all think they deserve candy. They get that from their parents that complain about Kiddish, and never donate the Kiddish. That’s a whole other issue right there. They take all the Entenmann’s and complain. Then you buy the Stella D'oro Swiss Fudges. Some of the entitled suggested a Ninja Warrior course in the shul's halls, so that their children can love Judaism. If it’s a tradition, they’re not ingrateful. The rabbi explained, if you spend 200k on a wedding, that’s not a waste, because it’s a Mitzvah. As long as you’re sharing. If you eat the 600 plates of halibut yourself, that’s not a Mitzvah. Monty’s International Gift Wicker pulled in tons of money from our congregants after the rabbi’s speech. The congregants sent a lot of baskets to Israel. The gift basket idea really killed it for the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids last year. The kids just wanted gifts. With the wicker, they got a lot of dried fruit. They couldn’t appreciate the gifts or share, as none of their friends wanted dried prunes. Their friends wanted candy. I think all were not grateful about the apricots. The Bal Teshuva got in a big lesson this week, from the rabbi. Appreciative? He appreciates nothing. He comes to our homes, eats and tells us we didn’t wash right. Somebody's got to do something about Reuven or he's not going to get anymore Shabbat meals. The tailor taking on the Candyman position is the smartest business move I have ever seen. He even got his phone number printed on the candies. The complaint about the kids’ pants turned into the congregation complaining about the rabbi saying that kids should go to Israel. There was a group in the shul that wanted to get the rabbi fired for trying to separate families. The Mitzvah of Aliyah was not discussed for the next few months. The rabbi was too scared. He already got in trouble for the three families that moved four years ago. Their love of Israel was hated by the congregation. And those families made up thirteen members. The rabbi was blamed for losing them. The give candy to the candyman appeal taught the kids to give back. But then the candyman gave the kids the candies back. It was a cycle of disturbance throughout the service. Kids were making two lines to the candyman. One to give and one to take. The candyman refused to give though. He insisted on throwing the candies on the ground. Tags:
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That's Shlomo on the left, showing his fist. It's not the same as Menachem's, and thus they decided that it cannot be used for building Sukkahs.
Rabbi Fishel taught the Mishna of Sukkah a few years back, in which it teaches that the Sukkah must be at least 10 fists (tefachim) high and not more than 20 cubits (amot) high. The class lasted many hours, as nobody knew what a cubit meant. Raisel explained what amot are, but nobody understood how that was a cubit, as they were different words. Shlomo said, 'I have never heard anybody measure in cubits. I build all the time and the tape measure doesn't mark a cubit.'
Upon learning the sizes of the Sukkah, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, known as Yankel for the sake of limiting the time it takes to get his attention, threw out the tape measure and broke the shul's ruler. He said, 'We must build this Sukkah according to Halacha, Jewish law.' Menachem insisted, 'I have a hand.' And so, they built the shul's Sukkah with Menachem's hand. It was 85 Menachem fists. They stayed away from cubits as that was too confusing. Questions came into the Wise Men and Women about the new town laws of Sukkah building, and Menachem went from house to house to help them build, as he had a fist. All knew that Menachem's fist was what you measured with. Menachem was getting calls from all over the province. Calls for bookcases. Calls for correct ladder sizes were coming in. Itzik's Renovations And Moving hired his fist. The local bike manufacturer has his fingers on retainer. The following year Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana. The Wise Men and Women were stuck. Duvidel said, 'But we all have fists.' To which Bayla yelled, 'You fool. Menachem has a fist. Yes. Do you have Menachem's fist?' And all kicked Duvidel out of the meeting for his foolish ideas. One townsman had the audacity to build a Sukkah without Menachem's hand. He said that it was the same size as his Sukkah last year. 'How could we be sure of that?' asked Berel the Gabai. Fayge jumped in, 'My Gabai is amazing. He is correct. We don't have Menachem's hand, so how can we know?' The townsman responded, 'They're the same sheets and slats.' But the Wise Men knew that slats can change size. And that Sukkot was celebrated with no fists, and no Sukkahs. Epilogue The following year, Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana again, but one foolish member insisted that the walls were all the same as as they were. There's always one unintelligent new member at the meetings. Menachem wasn't there, so they were the wrong size. Thus, there was a crisis again. The only other measurement in town was Shlomo. Shlomo insisted that he as a fist. At least he told everybody he did. That met much argument, as his hand is not as big as Menachem's. Raisel was not convinced that Shlomo could measure 40 Menachem fists on all sides. Shlomo's hand business was ruined from then on. Raisel ruined his living. This past year, one new member of the board proposed using a ruler that he found in one of the children's backpacks. The child was studying in a school that has been banned by the Wise Men and Women since. He knew the dimension in meters. They refused, telling him 'We cannot build this Sukkah without Menachem's fist.' And they kicked him off the board with his ludicrous ideas of heresy. Berel the Gabai announced to all, 'As Jews, we measure with fists and arms. That is the only way to be exact.' The Wise Men and Women studied more Torah together, which led to more problems. A ruling was sent to all that it was forbidden to use rulers, tape measures and yardsticks, as they are not mentioned in the Oral Law of the Jewish people. Yankel is still mad at Menachem. He broke the ruler in hopes of making a business of his fist. The word got out and advertisements were placed in the paper asking, 'Does anybody else have a fist?' The Wise Men and Women of Chelm are searching for more Menachem fists. If you have a handbreadth, they would appreciate your letting them know. Menachem is not allowed to travel anymore. This Rosh Hashana, they are praying that Menachem will be around for Sukkot, and not stuck on a construction site, for use of his hands and arms. Tags:
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Reasons To Make Aliyah8/25/2021 
Olim, immigrants, debarking the plane. Blowing the shofar is the perfect way to annoy them. After the twelve hour flight Yishai decides to shock them with the loudest shofar he could find. (photo Brian Hendler- JTA)
Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem. At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie. You don’t have to Work The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind. With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish. After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot. Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’ Fear & Anti-Semitism I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well. Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business. Kosher Burger King The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers. To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl This is probably my number one reason. I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel. Land of our Ancestors That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn. Torah You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people. You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House We each have our own story. This is mine. The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.) It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me. Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted. You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it. Jewish Homeland Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that. If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money. Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Ki Teitzei8/20/2021 
Two Simchas this week. Nobody knew which one to go to. In the end we all knew who was liked more. It wasn't the Gerwitz family. Not many came to the Shabbat Chatan.
How important is a Shabbat Chatan? Probably more important than a Bat Mitzvah. Kids are tough. All on the floor. Parents are angry about the carpet ruining their children’s pants during candy throwing. It's the parents' fault. The shul has sent home a newsletter suggesting the kids bring kneepads to shul. The parents insist that kneepads aren't Shabbis clothes. That's on them. When my kids were growing up they wore a suit jacket, knee pads and chest protector. When going for candies you have to also watch out for elbows. My youngest wore the full hockey goalie gear. Every time there are two kids walking away with all the candy. Other kids have a black and blue eye. I can explain that. Kids do whatever they want now. They go up to open the ark and play up there. Running around the shul, doing tumbling. The carpet is good for ripping suit pants and tumbling. The new Bal Teshuva is getting on everybody’s nerves, judging everybody. Just turned religious. He was staring at my husband’s shorts for three minutes, in shock that somebody could wear shorts, as they are not modest. My husband was coming back from a jog. He doesn’t jog in a suit. You want to judge me with your eyes, I'll stare at you all of services. I was giving him looks all of Davening. He felt like he was on the wrong page the whole time. He's still questioning what he does, being new to it. I'll make him question more. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbt Shalom My Congregants Want to welcome the Gerwitz family... Nobody else is here. They're all at the other shul for the Bar Mitzvah.... You send invites. Nobody came because you didn’t send invites… The other shul poached our members again… Shalishudis needs more chips… Yes. I'm talking to you. You sponsored Shalishudis... OK. Seudah Shelishit. The third Shabbat meal. Whatever you want to call it. There should be more chips there... You didn't pick up any. You got tuna and egg salad... Chips taste good with them... The point is that Pinny is getting married and we want him to do it right... If there is a woman that you lust after… She's Jewish?... OK. Well if there's a second wife... Yes. You give her chips with the tuna. It tastes good. Right after speaking about war, the Torah talks about lusting after the captive women… Not focusing on what to do in the land. First we focus on the captive woman. Because you're all shallow... Just like this congregation, there is either fighting or lusting. Either fighting over who has the right to open up the ark on Yom Kippur, or lusting after a good Danish... We all know Stella D’oros are not coming back… Even in a war, if you took a Yodels captive, you would lust after it… If you would just lust after chips… (Devarim 21:11) If you desire the good-looking captive woman, ‘you may take her for a wife’... She’s captive… Her husband is gone. We’re not reliving the Fleishman Fiasco… This was war. Not somebody sneaking into your house at night… As H' knows man's desires, He does not say, 'No. Don’t take her.' Instead of forbidding the relationship… Men are shallow. Were you at the Migelberg Bar Mitzvah. Gaudy. For what? Nobody’s giving a gift more than $36. Double Chai is all you get here… Yes. They use it as an excuse. '$100? No. We'll give $36. That's double life. They'll like the meaning'… Oh, how many intermarriages in our congregation and nobody took the non-Jewish child captive first. Instead of forbidding, we are told to shave her head and to let her fingernails grow long… If you would’ve just waited a month and seen her nails, you would've married Jewish... If she cleaned them, that would be different. Good point. I don't think the Torah let her clean her nails... We are also told to remove her captive clothes. Rashi comments, 'Because they are nice'… Beautiful. Nice. It’s the same thing… Have you ever met somebody who was kind and not beautiful??? Because you’re shallow. H’ knows that… They dressed their women beautiful, to entice. Unlike the night gowns the women wear when they go shopping in Brooklyn… You win war by dressing women nicely… And Kol hakkavod, all the honor, to those women dressing in the nightgowns. They are צנועה, modest… They're not drawing any attention. Ever shop at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns. You put those on her... You should always make sure that your marriage is not based on attraction. Testing is good... We're not in the middle of war, Bernie. We're not idol worshippers trying fool our enemies with Swiss Fudge. I've seen the way you scrape it with your teeth. Disgusting... No. Your shorts are not attracting anybody. You have the most pale legs. Nobody would want to take those legs as a captive spouse... (Devarim 21:11) Rashi explains that the Torah doesn’t say ‘no’ because ‘the Torah is only speaking against the Yetzer Hara, evil inclination. Because if H’ didn’t permit it, he would take her illicitly.’ The same way the kids took all the candy… Attacking anybody in their midst. I'm literally afraid of the next Bar Mitzvah… We tried saying one candy bag a child, but you remember what happened in the halls after the throwing... Deals were going down with some of those nursery schoolers. This is why we do the shul programs. Because you would all be doing Asur, forbidden stuff. You would follow your Yetzer Hara and go lusting after candy... We would have learning all the time, but you wouldn’t do it. So we have shul movie night. Hookah in the Sukkah. Pizza Parsha. Either rhymes or alliterations. That's how we decide on programs. Alliterations entice you. Which is why we are stopping all programs... The only way to get you interested is to dress up the programs nicely. Look at you all, coming to shul in clothes that fit. Clothes that look decent. Why? Because you want to cause promiscuous shul activity. Eating choolante all sensually the way you do, with kishka coming off your cheeks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, enticing… Let the choolante sit and you wouldn’t want to eat it. It's for the rabbis to buckle down on this and stop the disgusting way of dressing. The laws of proper dress are complicated. It should be asur/forbidden to wear clothes. The way you people dress, no more clothes... The Torah notices that the men are disgusting, shallow people. It has been too long that we have been blaming Dr. Fleishman for not being a faithful husband. It is time we blame the women... It is not his fault. It's only because she dresses in really nice clothes... Well would his wife let her sit in the house and grow her nails?... She doesn't dress within the rabbinical laws of Tzniyut, modesty. So please, stop blaming Dr. Fleishman. It's only because there are other available women that he does not take care of his family... (Divarim 21:12-13) The captive woman stays in his house. ‘She shall shave her head and let her nails grow'... That's what she does for the month. Can you think of something else to do with your time?! Maybe she mourns her husband... You have to have a heart for captives too. The Chazin care less. he goes on for a forty-five minute Kedusha... We have to go home. Your holding us hostage... We can't shave on Shabbat... I don't know if growing nails on Shabbat is Asur or not. Good question, Sir. (Devarim 21:13) Rashi says that he will stumble upon her, see her weeping and see her unsightly appearance. All this, so that she should become despicable to him. [Sifrei 21: 9]. Have you ever seen uncut fingernails and cut hair? It’s disgusting… Long unwashable hair… No. She can’t file her nails down… Because then he would love her for her nails. We don’t want him to care about her because she has a nice shine on her nails… Is mourning unsightly? If this guy had a heart, he would've set her free. In the meantime, he's mocking her for mourning... He doesn't deserve her Dr. Fleishman. You don't stand there laughing, 'Boo Hoo Hoo. Just lost your husband... So disgusting looking when you care'... If he allows the woman to mourn her family for a month, then he may take her for a wife. Because then we know he cares.... You run when she starts to cry... Say you have a meeting you're late for... No man wants to see a woman cry, or mourn, or deal with her emotions. As Dr. Fleishman never wanted to deal with his family's emotions. Don't worry Dr. Fleishman, I am on your side... That's why he ran away. He didn't care about them, he just wanted his beautiful wife. Then kids got in the way and made it emotional and too intimate. It is not his fault. No man should have to show sympathy or empathy... The whole point is to care. Even when you're lusting, you have to care... You don't eat like a slob. I've seen you with the Stella D'oros and choolante. Would've been chips too, if we had... No. You can’t take her as a slave... Does that show care? (Devarim 21:14) If you don’t want her, you have to let her go. You can’t keep her as a servant ‘on account that you have afflicted her’ You can’t keep people you don’t want… Doesn’t mean to throw out your eight year old because he is annoying... It’s a matter of being truthful in love… You have to care about the person. Shaindel has to stop setting people up… Because you have to love them physically first… You have to be attracted Shaindel. Rachel is still single, because you set her up with horrific guys… Rachel is fine. She cuts her nails… No. They shouldn't go shopping at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns until they're married... Let him learn to care later... The great teaching we learn from this episode is that it is only after she has mourned, and he saw her mourn her family, that he is allowed to have an intimate relationship with this woman. For it's only then, that the man has had a chance to see the woman as a human being, who he must empathize with. Once he is there, that means he really cares about her. She has suffered enough and she should not have to suffer more, from your disgusting vile, man behavior… Marrying her is adding to her suffering... Have you seen yourself? May we be zoyche to a life of true love and care. Where there are no clothes used to entice. No clothes used to eat choolante. No clothes... And now the wayward son… Not one of the four on Pesach. The annoying son is not the wayward son… (21:20) Sorer uMoreh= And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler."… You told them to take the Sunkist gummy candies. But he gluttoned after them. He attacked the other children... He has no empathy. No ability for care.... You stone that... No. Once they take candy from other children, stone them... At least throw jawbreakers or fireballs. You're throwing Sunkist gummies. That's not going to teach the kid a lesson. It just makes them more glutton for candies... I know we tell them not to eat. We even had the sharing is caring campaign... Because they're wayward... Not forward. Wayward. (Devarim 21:18) Doesn’t listen to his parents… The wayward child doesn't listen to parents. That's the problem. They don't obey. You all don’t listen to your rabbi… Why right after the captive woman? Because the wayward son thinks about himself. The wayward son lusts, like Dr. Fleishman, who ruined his family… We have to teach these kids to share... (Davarim 21:21) ‘Pelt him with stones and he shall die…’ That’s how you discipline. Detention is not doing the job… Saw Breakfast Club… No Stella D’oros in the movie. They had chips though... Yes. You stone people. How else are you going to get the others to listen?... No favorites. Nothing special for your favorite wife who cuts her nails. The showoff… The first born is the first born… Learn to care for your family, and stone the children that don't listen... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shul was empty. They all chose the Simcha at the other shul. It was really hust the Gerwitz family and a few others who knew they would be able to approach the Kiddish table quicker, with everybody else at the other shul. People saw food in a new light after the rabbi’s speech. The new Mendelchem diet plan took off. The choolante had to sit for a month. After that, nobody wanted to eat it. Danish got stale, and nobody was eating anymore Danish. The Stella D’oros remained the same. Those lasted two years. Everybody ate those. People ended up getting real heavy downing sleeves. The new rule was that before marriage there was no nail cutting for a month and all had to shave their heads. There were no marriages that summer. That rule had to change. The message of love and care based on looks was beautiful. Many divorces happened over the next few months when people realized that they’re not attracted to their spouse anymore. I heard some husbands complain that their wives never get haircuts. The rabbi was speaking about the foundations of love. Once you’re already married, looks don’t count. He was talking about the shallowness in the courting process. To be shallow and use tons of makeup, so that people didn’t get to know you, was considered fine, as long as they were Jewish. But she couldn’t stay in your home for that month, due to Yichud. With Jews, you develop care through attraction. The rabbi also started convincing people not to intermarry, with his new ‘grow the nails’ campaign. The idea was that anybody who wanted to intermarry, had to let their intended grow nails for a month. He also added the rule that they can’t file them. Nail polish was also not allowed. He banned nail polish remover, as the chipping was considered not attractive. Stopping the programs meant no more learning Torah in shul. The rabbi brought back alliterations and pizza real fast. Stella D’oros and Danish were also back the next month and going strong since. Even in COVID they went strong. We got the packaged kind and told people to eat those at home. They still came just to get the pastry. For Kiddish, the packaged food was fine, as some came to davening for the food. It was less than usual. The rabbi still believes that bags of Lays chips would've drawn the masses. For the classes, they gave the packaged pizza and told people to go home to heat them up. So nobody studied the Torah Parsha. There was no other good alliteration with food and Torah, so there were no classes over the pandemic. Nobody showed up to the Zoom classes. They were there, but they had no pizza, so they decided to turn off their screens while the rabbi taught. This allowed the opportunity for doing other work on the computer, and catching up on series. The rabbi stayed away from stoning the congregants, even though they are wayward and don’t listen. Though, we did start purchasing harder candies to pelt at the kids. We’ve been working on shul food and the Simchas killed the shul reputation. They brought in catering and now people are got worse food than our regular choolante. The caterer is giving our shul a bad rep. We need the sisterhood on it. We need more potato chips. The board had a chips meeting and they couldn't figure out why they never saw the chips they bought. Reason: Because people eat them. They're gone right away. So, they decided to save money and buy pretzels, as there was always leftovers of those. It's just adding to our bad Kiddish and Shalishudis reputation. The tailor was in shul. He made calls to the parents that Monday. He got some good business that week. Thinking back, he became the new candyman in shul. He started a tradition where he throws candies, even when there isn't a Simcha. Pinny got the message. He is lusting after his wife. We'll give that another couple of months, until he realizes they're married. Tags:
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The sun began to set late and no one knew what to do. ‘Just three months ago, it was setting at 5pm. We were able to start Shabbat on time,’ exclaimed Feivel, ‘This is very confusing. Why does the sun not set on time?’ And it was confusing. Roars from the crowd of eight people were heard, ‘What do we do? When will we start Shabbat, if Shabbat is starting late?’ And confusion set in.
Duvidel stepped in to answer the quandary, ‘We shall start Shabbat at its time. At 8:30pm. 20:30 military time.’ Protest came upon the crowd. Shouts of ‘What is he talking about? Who would even think of such heresy?!’ were heard throughout the province. Moishele was taken aback, ‘You fool. 8:30?! We cannot start Shabbat late. We must start Shabbat in its right time.’ Berel The Gabai explained, ‘I have to know when to go to shul.’ Fayge agreed with the Gabai. ‘People have to know when to show up to shul.’ The rabbi was also in agreement, as he said, ‘I don’t want to have to show up to work early.’ And thus, the question was still present, and all pondered. One random unwise parent said that they have to start Shabbat early because of their children. They said they must spend Friday night with their kids, before they go to sleep. All the Wise Men quickly shut down that idea as ‘kids don’t go to shul or eat late anyways.’ Duvidel mentioned the idea of sunset again, as he was asked to leave the meeting with his foolish ideas. Shabbats came and went, and the people had no idea if the Shabbat came or not. They would sit and wait for the sun to begin its descent, but it was always after 6pm, and that was too late. An edict was sent to all townsmen, saying, 'All must keep Shabbat all week, until we figure out when it begins.' Bayla then jumped in, ‘But we know when it ends.’ Moishele explained, ‘If we don’t know when it begins. We may not know when it ends.’ And so, the edict went out, and the non-Jewish townsmen wondered why they had to keep Shabbat. After three weeks of celebrating Shabbat all week the Wise Men and Women decided that they have to start Shabbat on time. ‘We must write the new edict,’ said Raisel. And she was correct. But huge protest came upon her, as it was still Shabbat, and you cannot write on Shabbat. Epilogue Shabbat continued. And Raisel never let anybody know what ‘on time’ meant. Many parents wanted to fight for early Shabbat, for their kids. But the Wise Men and Women made it very clear that the Torah wasn’t written by children in third grade. Sarah Shaindel was the one who reminded everybody that Shabbat had still not ended. Everybody now hates Sarah Shaindel. They were falling behind in their new series they were trying to get involved in. Many of the meetings had been cancelled in the past, due to television series. After a couple more weeks of Shabbat, the decision was made to go around to each house, knocking on the doors again, letting all know to end Shabbat. ‘Ending Shabbat on Wednesdays is never to happen again,’ exclaimed Rabbi Fishel, and he kept his job. They were still stuck with the question, ‘what does it mean to start Shabbat on time?’ And the answer was, ‘We don’t know.’ Duvidel said, ‘When the sun starts to descend.’ And nobody listened to Duvidel, the fool. As Bayla said, ‘This fool. He’s a heretic. He probably ended Shabbat before Wednesday.’ ‘Outcast!’ ‘Shun,’ and other words of anti-Duvidel cheers were heard. After a time had passed, many of the young Wise Men and Women, for technical reasons, decided that Shabbat should start on time, early. Some members of the community, with young children, decided it was important have an early Shabbat Minyin. They called that for 4 o'clock, because that is early. Nobody showed to the early Minyin, as the parents had to be at home, watching the kids. To this day, the Wise Men and Women of Chelm always start Shabbat on time. Tags:
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That's a selection of new Israeli knit kippahs. The idea is to give the birds something to aim at. The smaller circle target makes it more fun for them. We don't support the watermelon yarmulke if you can't eat it. That's just a tease, and teasing is wrong. (photo: Laliv Gal Pikiwiki Israel)
Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
Velvet Kippah Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look. Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet. The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders. To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house. Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs. The Soloveitchik This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much. The Chabad A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer. Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class. Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love. Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category. Machine Knit What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up. Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date. The Carlebach This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica. When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver. The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn. The Bucharian This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament. Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious. Felt With Sports Team This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years. Suede This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew. The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement. Suede with Name & Date Inside This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you. I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved. Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. The Paper Yarmulke You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples. The Satin Reflector This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good. Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life. Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. White Satin You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah. The Black & White Yarmulke I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah. The Sleeper This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed. No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.' The Toupee Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat. Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious. Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough. Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them. Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Shoftim8/13/2021 
There was a lot of business going on in the community this week. A lot of garage sales. A lot of wheeling and dealing. People getting rid of stuff. Some deals were crazy. One shul member bought a Chanukiah for $3. She overpaid. Nobody buys anything for more than $2 at the local garage sales. You've got to go to Wichita to find big spenders like that.
They asked $2.50 on the couch. The people at the sale were not happy with that. They settled on the leather L shape couch, with the recliner and pull-out bed, for a buck. The hosts of the garage sale, the Mintzkowitzes, the ones whose home it was, were happy with the dollar they made on the couch. They were moving and I think they were trying to find a way for other people to get their trash out of the house, before having to call Garbonzo. Garbonzo is a company that comes in, takes your stuff and charges you. They did tell everybody it was a shul fundraiser. I think they sold less because of that. Had a Shul games night. What was that? That should have been one of the questions. Nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, the ark. The questions about shul history really messed up the fundraising program that year. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants... You all have the same Yarmulkes. It’s not a rule. Not a law… Bar Mitzvah is over... You’re worried you’ll lose them? It’s not a family trip. You could've bought hundreds of Bar Mitzvah Yarmulkes at the Mintzkowitz garage sale... Yes. It's wrong to steal. I don't think they stole those. They went to the Bar Mitzvahs, and then decided to sell the Kippas back to the families that celebrated... Why do they print their names on the inside of the Kippas anyways? With the oil from Dr. Mintzkowitz's hair, it rubs off... Let's not judge. Even if they gave the Kippas back to the families they took them from, it's not a bribe. In this week's portion (Devarim 16:19) we learn about not taking bribes. Judges shall not take bribes as 'Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts the words of the righteous'... They don't become blind. It's harder to see with your heart... Truth is harder to see... It's not an object. They can still see who they're judging... We may not bribe judges… Do I really have to answer… Am I hearing that bribery is fine? So wealthy people should always win in court… We must make for ourselves judges... Law is important. You want no accountability?! You sure about that? See what happens at the shul board meeting... You want accountability. However, we may not bribe the judges. How do the judges then make their money? I do not know… I do know that many people in this congregation have started some very legit businesses thanks to bribes. Thanks to these businesses, the shul was able to pay for its new social hall. The Eisenstein Memorial Social Hall. Mark had a great business thank you to the bribes he was able to give. B"H… No. Donations aren't bribes... They deserve a better seat in the chapel, because they donated the social hall... It's not a bribe. They have seats on the board because of the social hall... Because they care and they showed it with their money... Thus, we shall not talk about giving bribes. As we must thank the politicians who have taken the bribes that have allowed for our community thrive... They're not judges. They are politicians. 'Judges shall not take bribes'... They're politicians. Their words are already perverted. It's OK. We shall focus on judges. Judges may not take bribes. It is judges that the Torah is talking about. Bribing politicians is a complicated question. Your rabbi needs a raise… Judgment is there to bring righteousness. It is 'righteousness' that we must 'pursue' as a people צדק צדק תרדוף (Devarim 16:20)... We’re not courting righteousness here. It’s not a woman. You don’t take righteousness to dinner. That’s a bribe. And bribery does not bring truth or righteousness. The same way Max and Maxine met. We shall not talk about that... Righteousness is not an enemy... Yes. We pursue it. We chase it... It's not courting. It's in court... We need better grade school teachers in this community… Rashi notes that righteousness means a Beit Din, a Jewish court. It is through the court that we become righteous. It is through truthful uncontaminated judgement that we inherit the Land of Israel… We have no court system in our shul… That's why we are not in Israel. The holy place of the court, where we must have truth, must also be righteous. The place itself must be righteous. Rashi teaches, 'Even for righteous judgement' we may not take bribes… That was not a bribe. It was a gift… How can judgement be truthful or righteous if a great man, such as Mr. Eisenstein, is so generous, when Mr. Fishbaum is so cheap?... Pay your dues... Bribing is considered wrong, because the other people are not bribing. Generosity is forbidden, for if everybody were to have bribed like Mr. Eisenstein, it would be considered a salary... What your rabbi makes now is not what one would call a salary... We are not generous enough, so in the most basic palace of Truth, the court, we must remain not generous- as to not be dishonest… If all were generous, like Mr. Eisenstein, there would be no bribes… It was a gift, and they got the High Holiday seat they wanted… Now, many people in this congregation want to blame Mark Eisenstein for a bribe he gave. You say 'he bribed you.' He paid for the down payment on your home. He didn't just bribe you. He bribed me. He bribed the chazan to come to this congregation. He drew us in, because he was such a kind man and he bribed us with money. Who are we to judge? The man never bribed a judge. And now he is in front of the Judge of all judges, in his final Judgement. We pray that you have enough money to bribe your way into Olam Haba (the world to come); to pay the salary of life. We will bribe for you and show the new Social Hall that we will be using later on for Bingo... Now, Mr. Fishbaum, who hasn't paid his dues. Who have you bribed? What wing of the building have you added? What wing has Madelan added... Bribes are good when they're donations. We need more donations... For better Kiddishes Bernie. The Torah does not say to not support your community's leaders... The Torah speaks of not taking a bribe. Yes, I am to blame for taking the role of rabbi in this congregation of heathens, because the starting salary was $200,000. The Torah does not say, 'Do not bribe,' It teaches that a judge must not take a bribe... Many of you are religious, and you want to put a fence around the Torah, you have taken that to mean 'You shall not pay'... That is not the teaching... You pay for stuff. You don't bribe to get an advantage over someone else. Paying for stuff you buy is not gaining advantage... their team is just better than our kids at basketball... The 'fence' is not to keep you from finally giving me a raise... We keep the Torah in an Aron Kodesh. It's safer in there than behind a fence... The kichel and herring kiddush was not a beautiful religious act. It was an act of sadness. It is not bribing the congregation to like you, if you have a nice spread. Ms. Flanigan that is a very fine skirt you took from the Salvation Army. You should have paid for it... Payment is not bribing...... Now I promised Mr. Eisenstein that I would give this speech upon his passing, as he did put me in his will. I do hope these words have not been perverted, as Mark would have never wanted that with his money... (Devarim 19:21) ‘You shall not plant idolatrous trees...' There will be no trees planted over Mr. Eisenstein's grave... Ramban notes that at idolaters used to try to make their temples look nice with trees. Whereas, H’ wants the Temple Altar to be the focus… Doesn't mean that we make a quilt to cover the Aron... It looks disgusting. Nobody can focus on the Aron Kodesh... It looks pathetic. If you would've given some money to the shul for the nice Parochet cover, it would've been a Kiddish H', to guard the Torah... That's a good fence... Those trees are like bribes... Why we are trimming the hedges of the shul is beyond me… We need to focus on the shul. Look at the paint. It’s chipping… Your concept of beauty is wrong... The way the family came with fullon makeup was... It wasn't a wedding... Whoever made that call was unqualified. (Avodah Zarah 52a, as seen in Artscroll)… Yes. I use Artscroll… You don’t give me time to learn… You ask these messed up questions and I know nothing about gardening… I’m a rabbi and I care about the inside of the shul… No. You still mow the lawn… ‘An unqualified judge is tantamount to one who plants an idolatrous tree’… You should've come judged better than getting a community quilt of love going as the Parochet cover... You have not learned enough Torah to make shul interior design calls... Yes. There is a reason all Jewish books have gold or silver trimming... The Quilt cover should've been sold at the Mintzkowitz's garage sale... Took too much money for the social hall… That is idol worship. The money should've paid for the parking spot cover too... (Devarim 17:1) No blemish on the offering… ‘it’s an abomination’… Have you seen the food that’s brought out for Kiddish… You can’t bribe the Kohen to take a blemished offering. It’s the court of Gd… The quilt is a blemish... Yes. There is a lot of heart in it, but it's a blemish... If somebody were to offer money for a new Parochet cover... You see. We can't even do a fundraiser right... The reason nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, at games night, is because they're embarrassed to let people know they donated it... Because it's an abomination. Just like a planted tree by the altar, a bribe to judges and lamb that has a scratch on its hoof... (Devarim 17:6) You kill idol worshippers. You stone them… That’s why they threw stones at people coming to the Kotel… Because our congregation is a bunch of idol worshippers… (Devarim 17:8-14) You listen to the Kohen’s and Levites… You listen to your leaders… Yes. If I say something, you have to follow it… I am not sure if we kill you for not listening. But we have to ‘wipe out the evil from among us. And all the nation shall listen and fear’… So that they’ll practice the Mitzvot right... No. You don’t go ‘right or left’ from where you are told. If I say ‘right,’ that’s right… We need stoning so people will listen... You listen to your leaders and pay them. You give them a raise. That's how you instil fear and bring redemption... We will miss the one congregant who listened to the leader and voted to give the rabbi a raise... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon We are going to miss Mark Eisenstein. He was a good man. He supported the shul. He supported the rabbi. He was the only one who supported the rabbi. The rabbi got emotional, knowing he is not going to get a raise this year. All of the money is going to the social hall. The rabbi made a good point that people shouldn’t be paid. Even so, he took it right back when the congregants said his salary should come down a bit. I think that's what changed the course of the sermon to bribes talking about judges only. It led to the correct words about Mr. Eisenstein. Painting is OK, but no more planting at the shul. The new artistic look, with the quilt, is not becoming. Truth is I don’t like the shrubs either. I don't know who would worship those things. If idol worship comes to that, I am worried a big fight will take over the next shul pruning meeting. The community setup a court system. Sadie headed the court. She’s tough and she loves banging. She scared everybody last Rosh Chodesh, when she clapped. Clapping is when you hit the table, to let everybody know they are supposed to say the extra prayer of Ya’aleh vYavo, and that you are mad. Nobody forgot to say it that week. They were too scared Sadie would come over and hurt them. It was loud. Fran fell asleep in the middle of the hearings about when the next shul games night should be. Community stoning was a bit much. Target has been overcharging for a long time. Even so, we cannot consider the manager an idol worshipper. High Holiday seating always leads to a lot of fights. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie. He coughs and chuchs a lot. Frank davens very loud, when he is davening. He is usually talking. He does that loud too. Mrs. Fialikman got a new hat. That’s an eyesore. That’s going to take up two seats. Won’t be able to see the ark if you’re behind her. Sadie is tough as nails. You sit next to her, you’re not getting an armrest. She’ll clapp it if she has to. And Fran always waves a piece of paper like she is at the kabuki theater. If anybody gave money, like Mark Eisenstein, they would have decent seats too. Call it a bribe. I call it the right use of a donation. Mr. Eisenstein's seat was auctioned off. It takes up three seats and has a footrest, right next to the Bima. It's still respectable, as he donated the social hall. The Mintzkowitzes got sued after one of the kids got caught in the spring-loaded pull-out bed. They let the bed go too soon and the kid got flipped into the couch and sat on. Tags:
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Jewish Scenes: The JCC Gym8/12/2021 
Scene 1
INT - JCC GYM - Day The exercise machines are all taken up. Bernie, a seventy-five-year-old man who just started coming to the gym, is waiting to get on the abdominal crusher machine. Max, an eighty-eight-year-old man, is sitting there with his hands on the overhead pulling handles. Bernie is sweating. We assume you understand that they're older Jewish men, so they sweat. Max: You're shvitzing like an animal. What have you been doing? Bernie: I've been standing. Max: I understand. I'm sweating right now, and I'm sitting. Bernie: What are you doing on that machine? You've been there for ten minutes. Max: I'm sitting. It's very comfortable. Bernie: So you're just sitting there? I thought you were supposed to work out. Move the arm things. Max: They're working out. Bernie: That's true. Those people are working out. You've got a good spot. Can see the whole gym from here. How are the kids? Max: They're supposed to be visiting for my eighty-first this summer. You should know of such goodness. They're doing so good. I'm so proud of them. Schepping nachis over here. The grandkids, the kinder, are also doing very well. One just got into Princeton. Starting next week. Bernie: That's great. My youngest is moving to New Jersey with his family. The second is now in Israel. A line of the people, that they were watching working out five minutes ago, has formed near the machine . Justin has his towel and is jogging in place, to not cooldown. Max is well relaxed on the machine. Max: You don't say? I remember when I was in Israel. It was 1967 just before the Six Day War. Very hot. Bernie: You sweat like anything in the summers over there. Max: That's a shvitz. You want a good workout? You go to Israel. Spend some time in Tel Aviv. Justin: We've been waiting for this machine. Just wanted to know when you'll be finished with it. Max: A few minutes. We'll be done with our conversation soon. You know. His kids are doing great. Much nachis. Max turns to Bernie. Bernie. You want to sit for a couple? You've been waiting for a while. Justin turns to the other people waiting. Rachel, a younger woman, is there too. Rachel: I think he's just resting his arms on the handles. Justin: He just fell asleep. Scene 2 INT - JCC LOCKER ROOM - EVENING Half hour after sitting on four more machines, to get in the full workout, Bernie and Max are sitting on the benches by the locker. Bernie: You want we should go to the shvitz? Max: I've already been to Tel Aviv. Max is sitting and content (cont'd) You know. This feels just like those machines in the gym. Kibbitzer's Conclusion We at the Kibbitzer have a feeling that Justin doesn't understand what people are supposed to do at the JCC gym. And on their way out, Max and Bernie caught up with the rest of the community. After a good five hours at the gym, Max shvitzed for eight minutes. Bernie is still shvitzing from talking to people. Tags:
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These Israeli kids would say 'thank you' (Photo by Sivan Farag in Israel21c)
People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' You Have To Deserve It What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him. They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel. You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you. When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy. When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good. There Are Repercussions You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas. Israelis Take Words Seriously This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them. Time Is Important I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you. I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important. Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach. They Did the Army Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up. Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door. A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You' That's a mistake. They weren't educated right. Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation. An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family. To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.' It's Hot Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.' My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand. Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach. Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel. I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Re'eh8/6/2021 
They hate us. Went to the Town Council Meeting and all the Jews got up and talked against Israel. The Jews hate us. It’s the Jews that hate the Jews.
It's Topeka, why do the Jews feel it important to speak out against the Israeli government? How is that pertinent to Fallfield Road Elementary School's budget? The Bar Mitzvah was messed up. Got to work on candy throwing. Candies were hitting random people in the front left. The Bar Mitzvah kid was in the back. We need to work on throwing. It’s not aim. Aim would be if it was close. The dance on the men’s side is messed up. Got to dance faster. This is not exercise on the men’s side. We were moving on the women’s side. The men’s side had guys leaning from side to side. They were holding onto each other, trying to keep their balance. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants Stop complaining about the Nishama Yeteirah… You have an extra Shabbat soul on Shabbat. Why does it bother you that you are keeping it for the rest of the week? It's a blessing… So, you have an extra 15 pounds… You have to eat for that Nishama. Yes. But how much are you eating… You’re only supposed to feed one extra soul. You’re feeding three souls… I’ve seen how much you eat… It’s a blessing. Make a blessing. Say a… The problem is that you see everything as a curse. This week's Torah portion begins with the Blessings & Curses. Bracha and Kellalah… There are two sides to all. You do good… Exactly. If you do good… Well. Just do good. H' gives the blessing if you follow the commandments. A curse if you don't follow the commandments. Meaning, you sin, bad stuff happens. That's the message. Dvar Torah is over. But I have to go on in detail because you… Yes. Let’s go through that list. You go to a house of one you're not married to and the whole community hears about it. We'll call that a sin. Not a mitzvah. A curse happens. You lose your family... What other ones are there Mr. Fleishman? You run away from your family and don't pay your Synagogue dues. Not following the mitzvot. We'll say, a bracha doesn't happen… And Dr. Felsman… And Mrs. Blumfield… Did we miss anybody that has sinned? We give too many blessings to those who do not deserve them. That is why we are stopping the Mishebeyrachs after the Torah Aliyot. From now on, you get called up to the Torah, we let you down. No blessings... Mishebeyrach? Who are we blessing? Dr. Ginstern, your children are not going to marry Jewish. Stop with the Mishebeyrachs. You sent them to the Jesuit high school… Your children can sin. They will be forgiven… You’re not Christian… We are going to start Mishecurses… There is more curse than blessing right now. I know this is complicated for some to understand. I'll explain it. Do good and good will happen… To quote Barney. ‘Brushing my teeth and having so much fun. I never let the water run.’ It’s a blessing to brush your teeth… Because it’s good. Ever had a cavity? It’s the worst. I’ve now got a piece of rough clay in my mouth... The Bracha 'That' you will heed. The Curse 'if' you do not heed... Heed. The Ikar Siftei Chachamim commenting on Rashi... Rashi comments on the Torah and the Ikar Siftei Chachamim comments on the comments... A lot of commenting... A commentary once removed from the pasuk, teaches that the word 'that' is used by the blessing, because Hashem wants us to be good. He desires our positive following of his commandments... I used 'that' too, but for no reason. 'That' hear means it's going to happen... That is why H' uses the word 'that.' Not the word 'if,' as used by the curse, if you do not follow the commandments. (עיקר שפתי חכמים on רש"י)... H’ is waiting to bless us. But do you people here do anything positive? No... 'If' is not the outlook of one who is committed. H' wants us committed to the Mitzvot... Every time I talk, I need to say 'if' over here. 'If anybody wants to wash their hands for bread...' Because none of you do anything positive... 'If anybody wants to visit the sick...' It's not going to happen... You heed your own voice. We need longer junior congregation. You have a kid you don't want to take care of... That we have a junior congregation... I want that. Not 'if'. We are getting those kids out of shul. You whine, you cry, you park in the rabbi's spot. But we wait for you to heed... We wait that you heed. Something positive already. Yes, it is quite manipulative. Using the word 'That,' that you follow the commandments. As if He is going to manipulate us? H' hasn't succeeded in manipulating us yet. As a Jewish people, we are doing a good job of not following the commandments. Our people have a long standing tradition of not following the commandments. That is why we had the prophets/נביאים. And we also, successfully didn't follow those leaders... This shul is doing a great job of not being manipulated... I want to make it clear that we are supposed to be Gdly. H' does give us an opportunity to be cursed. You have done a good job of that. Mr. Fichman also has... Mr. Fichman, I know you are old, but you've got to stop cursing out everybody who walks by you. Everybody has a little curse set aside for them. We all hear it... We know Mr. Frankenstein walks funny. We know Ms. Fedelstein is old and single. We know you are going deaf, but that is why you have to stop yelling it... I understand you cannot hear your own curses... You cannot claim every seat for yourself. Not every seat in the congregation is yours.... You cannot curse people for sitting; especially in the women’s section. You are not even allowed to sit there. Maybe try blessing them for coming to synagogue... Yes. They'll hear it. But it will be a blessing... We manipulate how we act. It is not if we do... It is that we bless. And if you do not change your ways and stop cheating on your families and mostly yourselves, you will also be cursed... A 60 year old divorced man, with a second wife who took the last quarter of your money, down in Palm Beach, Mr. Fleishman. Shabbat Shalom... I have more... (Devarim 11:28) 'And the curse, if you will not heed the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn away from the way I command you this day, to follow other gods, which you did not know'… You never met Athena… We are talking about denying Gd here... You worship what's not true. What's wrong and you're denying Gd in your life... By questioning if you are fat, you're denying your Nishama. Your soul... You enjoy and you believe in Gd's blessings... Then don't heed and get cursed, and end up living outside of Israel and thin, without decent shwarma... A curse is listening to Mishebeyrachs after every Aliyah.. Rashi This teaches that whoever worships idols departs from the entire path that Israel has been commanded. Gd is the root reason for what we do… Also, getting a decent reward in the next world. If you know what I mean… The root. That’s the question. What is your root reason for what you do?… I know that’s meaningful. Is your root to do good? To do Mitzvot? To worship Gd? To be blessed? Not Mr. Fleishman... It's the Mishebeyrachs, those who are blessed, that follow the root. The meaning behind the Mitzvot... Rachel does it do get a Shidduch, but that hasn't worked... What's your root, our Bar Mitzvah?... Your parents should give more Tzedakah. Keep going with ideas... (Devarim 11:29) Har Gerizim is for the blessings... That's good. Har Eival are the curses… Not Eibel. It’s Eival… This isn't Kayn's brother... Not Cain. It's not a wrestler... You also called him Esau… Where are they??? It says it right there. You should know. (Devarim 11:30) ‘Are they not on the other side of the Jordan?...’ Yes. Moshe gave attitude… You should know where stuff is. You couldn’t even find the park for the shul funday… No. It wasn’t fun. If you can't find it, it's not fun... It wasn't scavenger hunt day. People brought frisbees... (Devarim 11:32) ‘And you shall keep all the statues and ordinances that I put before you this day.’ On the mountains it was said for blessing and curse… To do the stuff… Yes. To scare us… You’re not scared enough… Because you think curses are Mr. Fichman saying you're overweight... These are real curses... Getting kicked out of your home when it's undervalued.... Do good and good happens. Why do I have to always repeat this message? Is it that complicated? And (Devarim 12:8) No private altars. I've told you this thousands of times... No doing what you think is right… There are commandments. You cross the Jordan and do Mitzvot and smash the idols… Don’t be like them. You do what is right and you mess up everything. You're manipulating yourself if you insist to not do Mitzvot... Because you're making decisions. Your decisions are worse than Gd's... No. I am not going to explain this. Just keep the statutes... Whatever statutes are. Keep them. I know we’re not in Israel… Do what you want... That is my message to you my Bar Mitzvah. Do you what you want. Just know that if you end up with congregants like Bernie and Mr. Fleishman, it's a curse. Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon They really do eat a lot. I think he was using the Nishama Yeteyra eating thing to guise the extra forty pounds he put on last year. It’s extra fat. Not an extra Shabbat soul. The men have around 200 Nishama Yeteyras, which is why they dance so bad at the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Forget about the weddings. The bride and groom come out and they give up. They just sit down. This way there is no chance of the bride chairlift happening. The bride and groom sat down, and everybody left. The men were afraid they would have to get in the middle of the circle and do something. Injury. They're out of shape. To get them in shape, and a bit coordinated, the rabbi insisted on dancing lessons for the men in the shul. He brought in a salsa teacher. Now, their dancing in the same circle line, but their hips are moving a lot more. The rabbi also took people to baseball practice. He is worried that the aim from the women's section is going to cause injury. They're landing their throws real far from the Bima (prayer stage). Sadie got hit at Chaim's Bar Mitzvah. We can't have another ambulance showing up to the shul for a Sunkist Jelly fiasco. To give over the full message of Har Gerizim and Har Eival, the rabbi made us go to different sides of the shul. We knew who the sinners were, as the rabbi started cursing the ones on the left side of the shul. To scare the congregants more, the rabbi ran a haunted Mitzvah house that week. There was a rabbi telling them they’re going to go to hell. There was a choolante pot with no meat in it. The Chazan went into cantor mode and said 'booh.' When he realized that didn't work, the Chazan started singing the whole Hallel service. People heard that and ran. Rabbi Mendelchem started a new tradition of Mishecurses. You could only bless one person. After that, you had to curse people. The Bima turned into our community Mount Eival. Mr. Fichman was up there for a half hour his last Aliyah, going off on everybody in the shul. Mrs. Greenbaum's purple hat with green flowers was in his curse. He just wanted to make fun of how it looked like a cake. The rabbi really brought out all the community secrets this week. Everybody knew about Mr. Fleishman, but the rabbi gave detail. The marrying Jewish got a lot of people mad. The rabbi would’ve been better off saying intermarriage is good. People wanted to hear that. The rabbi said it’s a curse of the Jewish people. We lost two congregants that week. Their spouses stayed though. Their non-Jewish spouses really like the rabbi. They also would’ve rather not got married to these people. They can’t stand their husband and wife. They've said countless times that they’re bad Jews. Dr. Ginsten intermarried, but he won’t accept that it’s an intermarriage, as she says she wants to be Jewish. Her terms are that she will be Jewish if she can divorce him. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album II8/5/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
The shul sink. They're now using hand sanitizer as soap... They pushed away the washing cup and poured sanitizer on the Kohen. They told him that it’s not sanitary to clean with water... We know that they ran out of spots for the sanitizer in the sanctuary. The siddur holders are full of the stuff... (They either have too much of it, or the vaccinated people still wearing their masks are making another statement. Or somebody now thinks soap doesn't work either.)
How Americans dads give to the next generation. Adopting a highway. We take pride in our interstates... The true gift of pride, knowing you don't have watch over another kid... They know nobody’s going to adopt a kid. This is much easier.
I think this guy stole the flags. That's why he's running. The only difference for Israelis, with the independence celebration taking place in America, is that there are Palestinian flags here. it's beautiful to see them showing support for America too. They're probably standing on the side of the road because they didn't steal those flags and they're following traffic rules. (photo credit to the NY Times, whose photographer didn't stop any of this)
The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom. I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes. (I’m still trying to figure out how that stuff works to keep food from sticking to the pan.)
Littering at the Kotel has got to stop... Unless if it's H' reading those letters and then dropping them after He’s finished. Either that, or the requests are not very interesting. Probably another letter for Parnsah. Everybody wants money.
I went to the Kotel to meet up with my friend. He said to meet him in the men's section. I had a hard time finding him. He said he had a kippa.
Candies in fruit form and whatever freakish watermelon that is. Yogueta, the creators of the gateway candy, doing anything they can to wean the kids off the fruit.
Arcades are casinos for little kids. Half the games had JACKPOT in flashing neon lights. I realized it's Asur and a breeding ground for gambling when I heard her say to her dad, 'Just one more. I'm feeling it. I'm going to win this time.'
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Jewish Summer Camp Acitivities8/4/2021 
Kids are finally back in camp, having fun with no masks. Mask mandates are only for school. They are safe in camp, having fun and doing what is know as activities.
Anything you do is more exciting when you call it an activity. Point shall be made: You can go shopping and run errands. Or you can go shopping as an activity. I ask, which one would you rather do? If errands was an activity this would get complicated. I would be fine with kids running errands at camp all summer. However, they don't take the kids in the bunk to pickup groceries. For now, that the point is made, we can all agree that activities are awesome. Here are some of the general activities that split up your child's day at summer camp. Floor Hockey- A sport that Jews are competitive at, because nobody else plays it. Flag football is another sport American Jews are excellent at, as they play it in Israel and Israelis don't know what it is. There are more camp sports like newcomb, bottle cap football, Torah baseball and gaga. The key to the sports activities is to take a known sport and make it Jewish by taking out any specialized skill. You play hockey and take away the ice. You play volleyball by catching the ball. Newcomb is a sport everybody can be great at. Amazing activity. Torah Baseball- A sport where you compete with your mind, so you too can be a champion. It costs the camp a lot less for you to answer questions about the Torah portion than having to manicure a baseball field. Roof Ball- This is where you throw a ball on the roof, to wake up all the people in your bunk during rest hour. When I was younger, I knew this game as The Ball Got Stuck in the Gutter Ball. Camp games are usually named after the objects used in them. You have wall ball and floor ball. If there was a stick, we might have played stick ball. I can't promise you that stick ball would've been the name. Our counselor didn't allow us to remove the stick from the broom, so I wouldn't know. Oh. We had table ball. We used a table for that. We played that to bother people while they were eating lunch. Arts and Crafts- When you are not artistically talented, they add on the word “crafts.” It's now a useful item. It's not a sculpture, it's an ashtray. The mug is an ashtray. The spoon rest is an ashtray. It actually is the same thing. If it wasn't for arts and crafts people would stop smoking. Other than ceramics or ashtray making, there is also a Jewish component to the activity. Sometimes, the kids make a ritual washing cup that looks like an ashtray. The accepted arts and crafts tradition is to have the children make Jewish pieces that they will not be using for another half a year. You take a slab of wood and put nuts on it and that is your art; a candle holder for Chanukah, or an ashtray. Great activity. Free Swim- When the lifeguard goes to sleep. Shabbis Walk- There is not much you can do on Shabbat. They had to be creative when the campers asked them why there was nothing to do other than bottle cap football and Checkers, when their parents spent $9,500. That is when they came up with the activity known as the Shabbis Walk. In co-ed camps this is tantamount to romance. Almost as romantic as sitting in a tree. Hike- Walking not on Shabbat. Snack Time- When you get to drink milk out of an eight-ounce carton. Might be the most exciting activity in camp. Letter Time- Jewish summer camp is the only place where letters are still written by hand. This is how you honor your parents. With paper. Emails don’t show care. Going green is very bad for relationships. If your children haven't written you with a cursive signature yet, they don't love you. It’s about survival. Let’s say you are lost on a desert island, nobody around, and you want to contact your parents? The Post Office is all you have. They will pick up. Let’s say your computer can’t fake the personal letter that you wrote to three hundred people in cursive, all named “Shalom,” thanking them for coming to your party and donating money to your fund, and you have to sign by hand and you have poor penmanship? Think about that for a minute. No romance ever happened with an email. It must be handwritten and handed give on a Shabbis Walk. Shower Time- Anything with 'time' connected to it is an activity. Cleanup time. That's an activity. Cleanup is not an activity. Nobody wants to cleanup. If you hear 'It's cleanup time everybody,' you're jumping for joy and tucking in your blanket. Face Painting- That's an activity that will definitely lead to Shower Time. Excitement- Great activity. Screaming. Running and Screaming. Eating and screaming. Excitement is the number one activity. You have excitement at a 'time' and you have probably the best activity of the summer. $9,500. Shiurim- You have class time here too, to remind you that you are not on vacation. They call it camp, but they have Jewish classes. Your parents are spending $9,500. Yes, they are behind this painful part of the day. Davening- Prayers every day. You do more religious stuff in camp than in school. Camp is an extension of Jewish day school, because your parents are still complaining they paid way too much tuition. Music- This really is school. It's music class. You sing. They try to get you to harmonize correctly. It's music class. Night Activity- Anything done at night is exciting. Hence, that's the activity. Night. Night Seder- At very religious camps, this is where you learn Torah at night. Done at night, makes it more awesome. That’s an activity. During the day it’s learning, at night it’s an activity. That is how Jewish camp programs the day. Package Time- When parents send their child everything they love, so they don't feel like they're in camp. Usually done with Twizzlers, it's the parents way of apologizing for enjoying the absence of their child. A Twizzlers offering. It's a way to keep them at camp. Then, there are kids that don't get packages, and they hate this activity. Flag Raising- Do they still allow that? Is that too patriotic? Boating- Row boating. Maybe in a canoe. Sailing is not happening at the pool. The kids are not going into the lake. There's fish in there. It is a camp, and there is a lake. You need a lake for it to be a camp. Around five years ago, kids refused to swim in a lake. It was around that same time that kids started being correct, and started becoming dumber. If I was correct growing up, we wouldn't have swam and my bunk would've had air-conditioning. Leagues- Teams are made. They could've just called your bunk a team, but they want to make sure your team is not good. After spending two days putting you on the bad team, it's now time to figure out what sports you play. A chart is made by the sports staff as to what sports you're going to play, and against who. You finally have the teams and the leagues, and you explain to all the kids why they're not on a team with their bunkmates, and Color War starts; got to wait a week to start the leagues. You play floor hockey twice and camp is over. We would've had a ropes course and team building as an activity, but we saw how bad the teams went with the 'Leagues.' We also don't trust the other kids in the bunk to save your child. If your kid closed their eyes and fell back, that would be a full-on fall. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Ekev7/30/2021 
Rabbi explained that his long speeches are inspired by Moshe’s speech in Devarim. At the shul's open meeting he spoke for two days.
Shabbat board games are a new thing in this congregation. We've had games nights every Saturday. It's during the day, but we have no idea what to call it. Game days drew nobody. We did one gameday and the non-Shomer Shabbat people showed up to the baseball stadium. They were mad the rest of the shul wasn't there that Shabbat. The rabbi thus ordained we can't call events game days or rain delays. Since we started, it’s been going on every week. Settlers of Catan seems to be Michelle's favorite game. It's the most talked about game. Nobody else knows how to play it. Monopoly is still huge. Rummikub is great. It makes people feel connected to Israel. It’s like playing with a lot of decks of cards, but with tiles. It was a beautiful memorial service this week for Shimon. There was no committee involved. I think that is the key to good shul events. No committee. Less people show up, as there is no committee to ensure that people will be there, but the event gets done. Next event I run we're going to have an attendance committee. The event will get done and they will argue about attending. The Matzah Ball Soup committee is doing well. It turned into a side hustle. Nobody is delivering to the sick, but people want the soup. We've been pocketing some decent money, we're pulling in off the sick people. That's the key to Chesed. Acts of loving kindness are best done for people when they're paying for them. Shul baseball outing was rained out. We still had the shul BBQ indoors. Nothing is going to stop our congregation from eating burgers. And there was no committee involved in that. Just a bunch of older guys, and all of them manned the grill. They don't man the Minyin. But they all show up to man the grill. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants You step on stuff. ‘Ekev’. Your heal... No. It's not a pun. Yes. There is double meaning... You’ve stepped on the new couch. I don’t understand why anybody would put their shoes on a couch… Even if they’re off your feet, if they’re on a couch, you’re stepping on it… It’s the Mitzvot you step on. Stuff you think is unimportant. That is why we merit Israel… The Mitzvot you think are unimportant like Shabbat, speaking Lashon Hara, stealing… You steal from the shul. You don’t pay dues… You talk about Fran all the time… Yes. Bernie is annoying… Shabbat is. You just hauled your branch to shul for the shul sing along fire pit… It’s Shabbat, Frank… I am going to speak about the first Pasuk this week. I didn't have much time to prepare. I had other more important stuff to do, then work on a speech… Yes. Family. Sometimes you go to the baseball game. We did the doubleheader as a family… I’m an Abba. I vacation too. For my child. We already paid for the rained out one. And it was more enjoyable than having to sit with the congregants… I would’ve had to sermonize then… Every time I talk to you, I have to sermon you… Because you step on the Mitzvot… You stepped on my family vacation time... You call me with every question... I will still talk; as you all expect me to talk every week. I don't take off work, Dr. Fishbaum. Neither does Mrs. Goldbaum. That is why she can pay her dues… Even when I vacation, I’m still working… You call me with questions. And it is always Lashon Hara… There is a beautiful teaching this week, which the rabbi in our sister shul, Brith HaKehunah Hagadol vHaMitzuyan, the synagogue with an ego (calling themselves the Priest Great & Awesome Shul), will also be talking about. It’s a speech being given everywhere. Their new rabbi is not original. Even if they are great. They are not original. Talks just like me. Sermons… Last week, we learned in the Torah that H' repays those who do not follow His commandments and ordinances; as Rashi explains, with no place in the world to come, and a condo in Florida... in this world… Yes. There’s retribution. It’s divine. Which is why the game got rained out… Because you don’t take Shabbat seriously and you don’t walk in the rain. And it rains a lot in Florida too... Yes. The condo is very enjoyable… We are happy not seeing the Feldblums for three months a year… I am assuming some of the Feldblums would have a place in the world to come. What of the next world? Are we thinking of that? It all starts with a good relationship with Gd. I'm not asking for a good relationship with your spouse. I know too much about what goes on in the homes in this congregation... (Devarim 7:12) It will be 'because' we hear and practice these 'ordinances' which He commanded us, that H' will live up to his covenant of good with our 'fathers'… Avraham, Yitzchak and Yakov. I don’t know if Mark got anything good out of the divorce. That’s not a decent covenant for Cooper and Vanessa. They’re good kids… If they keep the Mitzvot, they’ll be good kids. Do you want the covenant of Israel and a nation, or alimony? That is what our children must think about… I do not know what the covenant is, but it is good. Rashi (Devarim 7:12) expounds on the word used for 'Because', עקב, as it means heel. It is the 'easy commandments that one tramples upon.' It is because we view the easy commandments as not important. You trample on them. You don't think about them. You space out… Yes. Shabbat is important. The congregation doesn’t view it like that… They would come on a rain day if… This isn’t a baseball game. Shul doesn’t get rained out. You trample on rain… Shabbat can be easy if you love it. It’s not easy to space out though… Mark’s kids space out… They are constantly listening to phone fights between their parents. We need a shul covenant... To get a Minyin. You never show up. Which Mitzvot do we step on, as if they are not important? Lashon Hara for one. Speaking bad about other people... I am speaking about Lashon Hara again... In the same speech. The same way you talk about Chaim all the time. And Fran... Am I correct Mrs. Feigeinbaum. Nobody can stand next to you at kiddush without hearing some story about how there has been weight gain in the community… Mr. Bergstein. Which Mitzvot aren't important to you? Lets see. Your neighbors aren't very important. You stepped on your neighbor's flowers. What else did you step on? Your neighbor’s driveway. Coveting your neighbor’s wife is not a positive commandment Mr. Bergstein… We step on this shul's floor with our heels. Dr. Fishbaum, people's dues paid for the carpet… And the couch. You don’t put your shoes on a couch. I still don’t get it. What kind of home did you grow up in?... (Devarim 7:12) If we heed these commandments as important and 'guard them, to do them', then 'H' will guard his covenant and kindness that he swore to our forefathers.' It's a relationship of deeds we share with H'... H' helps. You wouldn't know. You don't guard the MItzvot... You heed nothing. The shul can't even get a security guard to stay... It is those commandments you people in this congregation step on, of acting kind… You snobby people who care so much about building a Sukkah, that looks like a group of homes built by building disabled Jews… It's not a soup kitchen. Soup goes cold right away out there... It’s an embarrassment. But you don't care to do a chesed for your friends. Instead, you build these gaudy Sukkahs that brings down the value of the neighborhood… You built the Sukkah out of concrete. Can’t take it down. People now climb it and step on it… A Sukkah. It's a Sukkah, but you step on the rest. Guard the other commandments too... Yes. They're all important... Your rabbi needs to sleep, but you steal that… Stealing sleep is an Aveirah. You can't even heed my sleep... It’s stealing. You expect him to do all these Bar Mitzvah parties and smile for these kids who show up once a year… It’s a Bar Mitzvah. They did nothing. Mike did more, yelling at the kid for messing up… The speeches are embarrassing: 'Hear is a siddur. Put it next to your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Maybe you will open it then. Maybe you will use one of these if your family ever makes it to shul, after Yom Kippur'... We need more heeding... I do that act of Chesed, with the children of this congregation, even though I do not want to, and see no value or Jewish future for this kid... We do it, because it is Chesed. The covenant of hope. Like H', who gives us a chance. We give these heretic families a chance. And we pay our dues… Yes, Dr. Fishbaum. The heretic Bar Mitzvah kids pay dues... Their parents pay. We must heed. It is painful. If we want to enjoy the life after this one, we have to suffer with congregants who are apikorsim. Heretics… Trample on Apikorsim. We have to trample on Apikorsut. Heresy must be trampled on. This congregation must be trampled… You trample on the Mitzvot. Heed!!! Trample the heretics for the blessings of this world... Yes. Israel is a blessing... The heel is about connecting with the lower part of the body, what we assume is not as important… None of you do squats. I’ve seen you at the JCC gym… Just as the kids in our school view their footwork, when that is why they are losing the games. That is why I gave you this speech, as not important as it is. It is the unimportant, which connects us to Gd. It is the unimportant that view, which is what keeps our relationships holy… I didn't say to do the important stuff... Mr. Bergstein, being faithful to your wife is unimportant to you. But it is that faithfulness which is what your covenant with her is based on. Covenants are about the unimportant. Forget about the commandment to not kill. A relationship is not based on not killing… The Ramban explains that in Torah, the 'head' refers to the beginning and the 'heel' refers to the end. You are shallow. You do not care to see the end effect… When you hired me, it was all smooth. It was great... I should've seen what was coming... The game was rained out… We bought the tickets already… No need to list the amount of money that went into the new faces we see here today in this congregation. Your doctors did a great job, and you are supporting members of the congregation when you do your reconstruction. But where is that money going to in the end? Has Dr. Fishbaum paid his dues...You are sure?... So I am not correct. He has paid his dues. I am sorry Dr. Fishbaum. It is the easy stuff that we trample upon. It is the easy commandments that we overlook. In the end, it is the easy commandments that will bring our redemption of the covenant, and our new rabbinical lounge wing... Yes. There will be couches there. And no shoes… Learn Torah and do Mitzvot… That’s the lesson… Yes. That’s been the lesson every week… Bat Mitzvahs should learn… If you learn you can conquer the land… 'Remember Egypt' (Devarim 7:18)… Keep Shabbat and you will win the war... We lose all the time because of Lashon Hara... Yes. Food comes from learning… It’s not from the sweat of your brow, but from H’… Exactly. That’s why we remember the Manna… If you remember the relationship, the small things are important... You have to cook and work for food... I know the Manna was given to us... So learn and food will be given... Yes. The sisterhood will cook for you and the brotherhood will man the grill... (Devarim 7:21) ‘Don’t be broken because H’ your Gd is amongst you.’ When H’ is with you, you are whole. You have a family... Because you didn't trample on it... Know that Gd is with you... He would be if... Flowing with milk and honey. Also got land made out of iron... Yes. It would be perfect for Settlers of Catan. But you don't know how to play it... Gold and silver is an abomination (Devarim 7:25) ‘lest you be ensnared by it.’ To be fascinated by money is an abomination. Did you see the new rims on Fran’s car? An abomination... Know what you are using it for... Don't trample on the gold and silver and use it as grills.... Would ever step on gold or silver? That’s the question Used in the Temple, it’s holy. Keter Torah. the crown of Torah, is not an abomination... Use the rims that were worshipped to make a Keter Torah, that’s an abomination. There’s holiness. Heed it... Think about what you trample on. Don't waste the money. Use it for a gym membership and do some squats... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi is sick of speaking to an out of shape congregation. It's the summertime and people are wearing shortsleeves. You can see how out of shape they are. The lesson of the Manna was beautiful. Everybody stopped working. Shul had more people there. People thought it was a better financial plan. Once they started losing money and mortgage hit, the shul went back to having a hard time getting a Minyin. Mark and Simone’s divorce was a tough event for the community. Nobody showed up to that event. It was raining that day. It was supposed to be a celebration, but nobody showed due to rain. The members refuse to go anywhere in the rain. It frizzes up the hair. The rabbi brought up the divorced population to make the point of how messed up the housing is. Renovations on homes needs to be done. He also used that to segue back into how he needs to spend time with his children. The rabbi did use his family to get out of work. He guilted us into the family importance speech. He vacationed with his family, by himself, at a spa. The rabbi brought around the whole lesson of Ekev being the Mitzvot you step on with your foot, when he told people they step on the driveway when they’re walking. Putting shoes on the couch was a bit much. Every woman that walks to shul has walking shoes. They call them walking shoes, because they walk in them. I’ve never heard of walking shoes anywhere else. I’ve heard of running shoes and skating shoes. Until I joined Congregation Beis Emes Usefilah, I had no idea that walking shoes was its own category. Then, when they get to shul, the women put on their Shabbis shoes. Those are shoes you wear on Shabbis. They can be flats or high heels. That depends on the woman. Shabbis shoes can never be ultra-high heels. Fran might wear ultra-highs, but we wouldn’t know. She’s getting close to 90. People are now treating the couches with respect. They think that's their key to getting Olam Habba (world to come). The rabbi brought up Brith HaKehunah Hagadol vHaMitzuyan because they are also trying to poach our members. When he said that the rabbi there also gives long sermons like him, all the congregants decided to not go there. Many said they would never step foot in there. It was a good move by the rabbi. ‘The evil you know is better than the evil you don’t know,’ to quote Sadie. The rabbi really cares about the youth summer basketball league. He wants his daughter to finally win. She’s not good and he’s depending on the other families to help her win. I think his message of keeping Shabbat and not speaking Lashon Hara, along with the idea of not trampling on the commandments, lost their message in the rabbi's anger at the loss in the inter-shul eight year old summer basketball league. Though it’s not a Mitzvah, people ended up working on their basketball. Many even decided to take up pickleball. Some even stole courts to play. Michelle hosted a Settlers of Catan lesson day. She seems to be teaching it every games night, to the same people. They are calling it 'Settlers' now. That's cool. Just shortening the name is real cool. She has also got the right-wing members of the congregation to play. They feel like they're supporting the Jews living in Yehudah-Shomron by playing it. They are going to get rid of ore and change it for milk and honey. The rabbi's question to us all was profound. 'If a synagogue outing day game gets rained out, does anyone see the shul's name on the billboard?' The shul sing along is not happening again. The harmony we hear in shul did not get better with the firepit and the guitar. Tags:
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American Jewish Life
•(JTA) Food Vendors return to the stadiums, which means there is kosher food at the baseball games. Anybody who is a kosher Jew who vegan and only drinks Coke will have no problem finding food at stadiums throughout America. To quote one Jewish fan in Baltimore, where they serve kosher hot dogs at Camden Yard, 'Now I have a reason to go to the game. Before they brought back the food, I had no idea what I was doing at this thing.' SHUL LIFE •As pandemic rules loosen, Kiddishes, post service snacks, are back. In response to food being served, attendance at shul is back up, along with attendance at Baltimore Orioles games. They would serve Kiddish at Orioles games, but they know that nobody would pay; they would just show up late and eat a lot. With the rise in attendance, shuls still can't get a Minyin. As expressed by a member of the shul board, 'We come for the Kiddish. If the Kiddish is at 11:30am, that is when I am showing up. I pray for a piece of meat in my choolante. I don't need to show up for Shacharit for that prayer.' Many congregations are starting to serve Kiddish at 9am, so that members will be there for the prayer services too. Israel •Israelis are starting to give people sixty and over a third shot. Some would like their pension. They are happy the government is at least giving them a shot. It's a start. •Ben and Jerry's makes statement that their ice cream cannot be sold in the "territories" (JPost). Little do they know that nobody in "the territories" can afford their ice cream. At $8 a pint at the supermarket this news is extremely irrelevant to anybody living in the settlements. Ben and Jerry's also says they're not going to renew their license in Israel. Neither will the Kibbitzer staff (that addition is from Tzachi who lives in Haifa and has gotten a lot of speeding tickets. The police will arrest him if he drives). Bibi has been fighting this Ben and Jerry's decision to not sell in Israel fiercely, as he really likes ice cream. Finally, a cause that all the Likud can get behind. First it was the British Mandate, then independence, then intifadas, then Phish Food ice cream. Ben and Jerry, the founders, say they support Israel and their former company's decision, as they made clear that they are pro-Israel and pro-Israel's destruction. Now Israelis are trying to figure out how they will be able to eat ice cream. They've gotten too used to adjectives, nouns and adverbs in their flavor's names. As many Israelis have said, 'I cannot go back to Vanilla. I need adjectives and people's names on my ice cream. I don't do Vanilla unless if there is a Chunky Monkey in it.' (Rachel, of the Kibbitzer, is angry at Ben and Jerry and she is happy to finally be able to eat normal ice cream that tastes good, and doesn't hide behind names and weird concoctions that mess up a nice vanilla chip ice cream with cherries- Rachel truly does not like Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's too hard and it is not at all creamy. She also doesn't like Cherry Garcia's music, whoever he is). If they cared about Israel, Ben and Jerry's would've at least come out with some flavors like SettleMint Chip, and Jerusalem of Gold Coffee Caramel (they have that brownish goldish color, sometimes). It would've been nice if there was a Shlomi Garcia. And many have known all along that Chubby Hubby is an anti-Semitic slur that Ben and Jerry's was using to define Ashkenazik men. To Ben and Jerry's, let it be known that we are not chubby, we retain water. (Mark takes offense to chubby Jews and is worried Ben and Jerry's will try to kick them out of the settlements). Sports •Qualifying for the Olympics in 2020, that didn't happen, Beatie Deutsch is an inspiration to all the Jewish women who are now ready to compete in a skirt and leave their children at home. To quote a mother of eight from the Settlements, who chooses to remain anonymous, 'When I saw her out there for two and half hours in the middle of that run, without her children anywhere near her, I understood why she was doing it. I know why she chose the marathon.' To quote another mom who doesn't want to lose the love of her family, 'If my kids needed something, I could compete. I run out of the house real fast.' The orthodox Jewish mother, Beatie 'Deutsch was featured in Adidas’ “Impossible is Nothing” campaign (JTA).' Though it is impossible to have competed in the 2020 Olympics, competing a such a high level, she proves to all that you can be an athlete even if you're Jewish. Other than baseball, we did not know this was possible. •Lydia Jacoby won a gold medal. She is not Jewish, but has been considered Jewish by many since winning the gold medal. It is Jewish tradition to accept people as Jewish, if they have a Jewish name, when they win a championship. Adidas may offer her a deal where she brings pride to all the Christians, letting them know they too can be athletes. They need a win too. Christians should know they can be athletic. LOCAL ANTI-SEMITISM - SPECIAL REPORT •Yes. It still exists. •Robin Wilt, a town councilwoman in Rochester NY's Brighton neighborhood, with a large Jewish population, has made it clear to the Jews that she doesn't like them. As she says about Jews, "Friends were just bigots themselves, lying in wait to excoriate a Black woman." We at the Kibbitzer would disagree with Robin, but that would make us bigots. Whatever Robin believes, let it be known we agree with her. To quote Robin: “I know it’s hard in a town that has a significant Jewish population to stand up for Palestinian human rights.” She hashtaged 'free Palestine.' We are trying to understand this. It's hard in a town with Jews? It's hard to say that Jews don't belong in Israel in a town with Jews? It's hard in a town with Jews to call Jews bigots? Much of the Jewish community of Rochester is not happy. We do empathize with Robin, as she has it very hard. It's hard to hate Jews in a town of Jews. It's hard to say you hate Jews when you're representing them. It's hard to call them bigots and tell them that Israelis should die. It's hard on Robin. It's very hard to speak out against Jews when there are so many Jews living in your town. We agree with her and empathize. We've tried hating Jews, but it's hard to hate Jews and have them want to read your material when you're a Jewish magazine. We understand that it's hard for her to say she hates Jews, and it's the fault of the Jews living in Brighton. We apologize on behalf of the Jews of Brighton for being Jewish. They should be ashamed. Keep strong Robin. This is the first time Jews have ever complained about having leaders that hate them. Until Bibi connected with them on ice cream, he also didn't like most of the Jews in Israel. To quote a resident, who would like to remain anonymous, as their question is racist, 'We are trying to figure out when working on the Brighton Town Council has became an international position, with need to comment on foreign affairs. We are still trying to figure out how rockets from Gaza affects the budget at French Road Brighton Elementary School.' In Robin's defense, she is an official in a small town in Upstate New York, and she has no idea what Palestine is. She also knows nothing about Israel or its history. She also doesn't know that Israel has many arab citizens. She has the right to express her opinions. She feels very passionate about them. Tags:
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This is a built bungalow. Structure is a porch, made of half inch plywood, anchored to the ground by stilts. (photo credit Pinterest and everywhere else)
Other than wearing nightgowns, what do people do in The Mountains, living at the bungalow?
SHOPPING & EATING Those are the activities. Eating and shopping for food to eat. Pizza: You Define a Jewish Town by Pizza The Woodbourne block gives you the full experience of Jewish New York, and that is what you are looking for when you leave New York to go to The Mountains. The experience includes eating. Pizza shops, knishes, and more eating. There is New York style pizza; thus, Woodbourne is Jewish. You can now find kosher pizza shops in Monticello. South Fallsburg is loaded with pizza. Pizza all summer. That is the nutrient of The Mountains. Pizza. What came first? Jews or pizza? Please help me answer this. Grocery Shopping They had Shop Rite, but that did not satisfy the full New York Jewish experience of being on vacation outside of New York. Hence, they opened a “Landau’s New York Supermarket”, so the Brooklyn experience of being on vacation away from Brooklyn in The Mountains could be enjoyed. Amazing Savings If Amazing Savings did not exist, The Mountains would not be Jewish. All people in bungalows go shopping at Amazing Savings. Jews need to buy tin pans. Walmart was enjoyed by the Jewish people of The Mountains until they didn’t allow us to return stuff after two months. Talk about chutzpah! I ask you, what am I supposed to do with my purchase of the lawn chairs after the summer?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES IN THE MOUNTAINS This happen accidently. You're shopping and you can't find your car in the parking lot, you're stuck doing a physical activity. Other than that, you end up in water because it's hot. Here is how these activities work in The Mountains. Hikes Allow me to explain how hikes work in The Mountains: Anytime you walk in The Mountains that is a hike. If there is no sidewalk, that is a hike. Mothers pushing their babies up and down the main roads of Monticello, that is a hike. Anytime there is a chance of finding a salamander, that is a hike. This includes a salamander you found under your bungalow. You step outside, see an animal that is not a human, that is a hike. It is exercise. Can't find your car, now you're on another hike. Anytime you have a bottle in a bag, that is a hike. Bottle in your hands, that is a walk. Walking in your nightgown is a hike. Anybody walking to the pizza shop when they could be driving, is hiking and losing weight. If you are from New York and you are surrounded by trees and grass and you go for a walk, that is a hike. The Lake There is always a lake nearby. You do not swim there. You swim in the pool that is built right next to the lake. The correct terminology is 'take a dunk.' You take a dunk in the pool. I am not sure if there is actual swimming. I have seen people in pools, but I am not sure if they are swimming or standing there. Hours of swimming It's important to know and understand these hours. Men’s Hours- Hours at the Bungalow or Hotel pool that men do not want to show up to. Note: If women show up to these hours, it is tradition to not complain. See Women’s Only Hours for when men want to go. Women’s Hours- Hours at the pool that women love. Sentence: ‘Thank Gd, B"H, there are no men here. They're disgusting... ’ See Men’s Hours for swimming times that men do not want to be at. Mixed Hours- When the bad Jews go swimming, and all the other people go to sunbathe. Boating Jews do not use motorboats. They go boating with an oar. It’s all part of the Jewish tradition of reliving slavery. No Surfing That is too tiring. If you see anybody outside of the boat, that is a man overboard. No Fishing Finding kosher food is time consuming enough. Waiting to catch a fish is not something we have time for, when you're trying to find the right kosher supervision on the tartar sauce package. Swim with Shirt, Skirt or Dress This is done either because of modesty or because your one-day South Beach diet did not shed all the extra pounds. Don’t be crazy. Nobody swims in a nightgown. Sitting Sitting and watching kids do stuff is the number one activity in The Mountains. Chasing them is not something you do. If your children are running and yelling in the pizza shop, there is no reason to do anything if they're not bothering you. Shopping and eating are the activities. That's what I've concluded. If you end up walking by accident, that might be another activity. And there's a pool, but a dunk is not an activity. Dunking is only an activity if you're eating french fries. I have seen the people of The Mountains and they sweat when eating fries. They get involved in that activity. Next time you are looking for the New York City experience, go to The Mountains. Join me for some New York City pizza and hike down the road to Amazing Savings. I am even happy to spend some quality time sitting on the bungalow colony lawn with you, in nightgowns. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: VaEtchanan7/23/2021 
Committees met. A lot of committees met. The shul is now working on a new ‘committees’ concept. The board feels that more people need to be involved in meetings. Otherwise, things will get done. When things get done, we end up with a communal quilt for the ark cover.
The board wants less accomplished, so they are forming more committees. This way they can get more people involved in arguing. It helps with the new concept of people feeling like they have a stake in the shul. The rabbi was fielding most of the anger till the committees began. Why do we need a committee to visit the sick? I believe that is a good question. As the rabbi said, this way we’ll know why it’s not getting done. My argument is that it’s a Mitzvah and we should do it due to the basic commandment of ‘following in H’s ways.’ The other congregants on the committee didn’t agree. They believe that Avraham was sitting outside the tent to get a tan. He wanted some sun, and then Gd sends angels and has him worrying about Sarah giving birth. This has led to nobody delivering soup to the sick, due to fear of bothering the sick. Matzah ball soup has been in the shul freezer for three months. Nobody is delivering it. Politics is still big in our town. The local government hates Jews. They made that clear a few weeks back when they said ‘we hate Jews.’ Mrs. Milt is now bringing in anti-Semites from other communities, as our town doesn’t house enough Jew haters. She considers the lack of Jew hatred racism. And she vows to fight that. Mrs. Milt said it’s OK for the non-town members to be at the town meeting, as they are activists and they hate Jews. She is a big supporter of activism. She doesn’t support ‘Jews for getting rid of Mrs. Milt’ though. That’s where her activism stops. As she said, ‘It has to be against Jews for it to be considered activism. If it's against Israel, it is pro minorities.’ She also made it clear that there are no minorities in Israel. Only majorities. Our friend, Tony, started a town jogging group. Mrs. Milt doesn’t support that. Mrs. Milt insisted that they run with picketing signs. Tu BAv Shabbat is this week. The Jewish holiday of love and marriage is upon us. There’s no love. We need more singles in the community. We’re thinking of getting Mrs. Milt to bus in singles. She knows how to bring in the activists. Maybe some of them have very strong feelings about getting married. Rachel is still single. At least we have one single person in the community to talk about. Otherwise, this holiday would’ve been a letdown. She needs a committee. We have an important Yahrzeit this week of a Tzadik in our community who passed. The community usually mourns this week by having a dinner with whitefish and tuna salad. Mourning should always be done with stuff that tastes good on bagels. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shalom To all of the heretics... We welcome all. Like at the seder... In this week's Parsha, Moshe continues to tell the people how much they messed up his life. What I could have been if I wasn't a rabbi, listening to you all nag and complain all the time about the rabbi's wages… It’s the same way our people complained in the dessert. But do I complain? No… I would’ve never complained about Moshe’s tent… Even if it was nice, Bernie. Moshe continues to tell his story. He’s about to die, so the people finally listen. This is the first time they’re not complaining... If they thought he wasn't going to die, they would've complained about water again. Do you know what I go through with the board?!... We ran out of soda at Kiddish. So drink water. There's no drought here. We have a fountain... Ice again?! At this point, Moshe tells them about how he prayed to Hashem. He prayed to enter the Land of Israel. He tells the Jewish people that he prayed… Because they messed it up for him. Do you know how many vacations you messed up for me? I was supposed to be in Israel this summer. You didn't let me see it... I am not praising the board. H' already allows me to go to Israel... How does the board override H'? It's wrong... The prayer didn't fully work. Moshe doesn’t get to go to Israel. He wants to go Jerusalem, the good mountain (Devarim 3:25, Rashi). I wanted to go to Haifa and the Golan too. The board killed that vacation. Moshe can’t go, but he gets to see it… As we know, praying doesn't always get you what you want. Our children's basketball team lost again… How much praying can we do for Pinny to hit a foul shot? Shimon wanted to go to Israel again… It’s his Yahrzeit. Can we talk about him? He prayed. You prayed… Shimon would've love to visit Israel too. But he is no longer with us... You can let your rabbi go... He passed. It's his Yahrzeit A few minutes about a Tzadik... Can we talk about him? Can you stop complaining about Kiddish for a bit?... He didn't talk during prayers. You guys prayed for him... What kind of Tehillim were you saying?... Do better next time… Do a better job. You don't focus. I've seen your Amidah. You've got to focus more in prayer... So that people can live... You pray wrong. Moshe describes his prayer with the word ואתחנן/VaEtchanan (Devarim 3:23). I don’t know what that means. Rashi explains that ואתחנן is a form of prayer in which we ask for Gd to be compassionate… We need a lot of compassion if these committees are going to work out. Do you have any compassion for the sick… You don’t deliver the chicken soup. At least send a matzah ball. The shul chef thought it was stock… There were Matzah Balls in the Kugel. Nobody makes Matzah Ball Kugel. Moshe is a Tzaddik… A righteous person. A standard that the members of the committees don’t live up to… Yes. Every member of the shul has been placed on a committee. But you know who was a Tzaddik? Our great community leader, Shimon, who passed away. Always gave us whitefish. He knew that whitefish was better than tuna for everything, other than a tuna melt… Moshe doesn't bring the people to Hashem over here… How much does a leader have to carry a people… No. I am not speaking out against Moshe. I am not an activist. I am bringing up the fact that Moshe asks for compassion from H.’ If he brings the people, H’ sees them, we don’t know if there will be compassion… In defense for his prayer, he goes at it alone. The same way our children didn't play defense against Saint Catherine's… If I were to have to carry you in my requests all the time... I do. That's why I never get a decent answer. Moshe knows that he's still the leader and the people are holding him back. Like the way Shana held me back the other day when I was trying to get home from dinner. ]Moshe asks for a gift. That's his prayer. Rashi (Devarim 3:23) says that VaEtchanan, the word used for prayer, comes from the word ‘chanun,’ and that is the language of a ‘free gift.’ Moshe is asking for a free gift. A gift in which he wasn't deserving… He was a Tzadik and he is begging H’ to have compassion to give him a gift. You don’t deserve the Care Bear. You lost the ring toss at the Chanukah carnival last year. Get over it... And you lost at Simon Says too… We don’t deserve anything. It’s a gift from Gd… No. You pay dues. Gd gives you the money to pay your dues... We're not entitled. He is teaching us that we have to pray for our gifts... Of life, Bernie... It comes from Gd's kindness. The home, job, kids... So you lose sleep and your savings... Rachel is single. We have to pray for her. She needs a gift from Gd if she is going to meet somebody… It’s Tu BAv. This is her chance… She needs Gd's help. It’s Tu BAv. This is her chance… We are going to say Tehillim right now... For Rachel When we get something from H’. Just the ability to pray. It is a free gift. A gift from Gd. Rachel hasn’t met anybody, so she has not received a gift. This is why we mess up prayer. Complaining. You all expect... You expect that the committees will do something... The Jews were always complaining in the desert. Entitlement was their issue. Kind of like every child in this congregation that doesn’t say ‘Thank you’ when you hold a door for them. You are entitled to nothing, but you still complain. You do not ask for gifts, because that is beneath each and every one of you. Instead, you demand. You have to much pride... How you can be prideful when your lawn looks like... You deserve a free membership? Well apparently you think so Dr. Fishbaum. You haven't paid your dues yet... Yeah it is painful- but we pay dues. What else do you all in this congregation think you deserve? A faster davening. Moshe prayed. He didn't do it fast. He also didn't have a chazan that likes to sing the same tune, over and over again... Yes, it sounds the same. Spice it up a little. Maybe a bit faster. Maybe H' won't fall asleep too. Yet, you all pray with a sense of entitlement, for your big house and big car, and then you lose it to the bank. But you don't pray to the bank. Do you? Do you? Do you!!!! You pray for the meaninglessness of a house, when you are living in a desert. And you pray for it all in America. We are a Jewish congregation and you all pray for your promised land in America... This is not a Mormon congregation. And they do correctly pray for their promised land; which is why they also beat our children in basketball. Moshe prays for entrance into the Land of Israel... Maybe he had it wrong. Maybe he should have been praying for entrance into America; like most of our Jewish brethren, as America has a better retirement plan… That seems to be what you all pray for. And Marshall's has better deals... You can't find a decent clearance section in Israel... You pray for the wrong things. Moshe just wanted to see Israel (Devarim 3:25). And we can’t even make a shul trip happen… You would rather go to Marshall's. Moshe prayed for something meaningful. And how many of you have been to Israel? How many of you care to go? How many of your children think it is their Birthright? Birthright? It is your privilege.... Your children go. They pay nothing and then say it is too hot and you didn't give them enough money for alcohol. Josh didn't bring you back Ahava lotion. Dr. Fishbaum, he spent your dues on alcohol. But he was drinking with Jews. Beautiful... Moshe didn't expect it. He prayed to enter the land... And he didn't even think about what bars he was going to hit, Mitch. And maybe that is why he had the most successful congregational trip to Israel of all time... He didn't make it, but his congregants went. Dvarim rabba- teaches that at a time of pain, is when we pray for the free gift from Gd. The gift in which we understand we are not deserving. May we be fortunate enough to feel that pain, so that we can appreciate what we receive from H.' I feel that pain every day I have to see the people at the Minyin. It’s painful to see their depressing faces. It’s the worst way to welcome in the morning. And every day, I pray for the gift of a happier crowd at Minyin… Smile. I know it’s six thirty in the morning. But smile, Bernie. And may our children not be an embarrassment. May we pray, and realize we are not deserving. And may the children practice a bit, so we can win a game. On this here day, following Tu BAv, may we all pray for all the desperate single souls in this congregation for each and every one of them to find their spouse, so that we may procreate the Jewish people, and that they may be useful members of the community... They are not deserving. They know it. Single people should be praying well. All the single people please stand up. Rachel. Stand up… She’s single. You can all see them in the back of the room, as they are too embarrassed to be seen. Feygel, please help set them up at kiddush. May we bow our heads in prayer. 'Oh H'. May these undeserving souls; as they have not deserved anybody yet. Please find a special somebody, to help them have some sort of meaning in their life. Give them something to make their lives not totally meaningless. May they also be able to smile one day, like me and my wife. Look at her. She is so amazing. And they have nothing. May they have a home, in which to yell and get out their anger too. A home in which they care enough, unlike the other members of this congregation, to go to Israel, as Moshe. To let their rabbi go to Israel.' Amen. And now, may all the single people please remain standing, as we are going to match you up... Rachel, remain standing... Anybody have a white dress for her... Moshe just wants to see Israel. Why? He wants to make sure all will be good. He wants to see a positive future that he affected… We want to see Rachel get married already. Shabbat Nachamu is this Shabbat... Does VaEtchanan not sound like Nechama? It all comes together to me comfort. We need Nechama. We need something decent to happen this week in this congregation. We messed it up for Moshe. H’ was angry with Moshe because of us (Devarim 3:26)… Yes. You mess things up for your leaders. I should be on vacation now… It’s the summer, Bernie. We don’t always get what we want. Moshe understands he is not entitled when H’ tells him to stop asking. But he gets to see it. There is a Nechama knowing things will be decent in the future. I don’t see that with our youth. Pinny is our best player and he can’t hit a shot... He doesn’t cross the Jordan. H’s compassion only goes so far for Moshe. But He tells Moshe to give Joshua strength and resolve, ‘for he is to cross before the nation and cause them to inherit the land’ (Devarim 3:28). I am here to give you all strength now, knowing that you are deserving of nothing. It is all H’s gift. Compassion. Understand that and you shall be strong my pupils. We are praying for a decent future. I just want to see it good for the next guy that will have to deal with you... There is no hope for me. You've been painful. Instead of going to Israel, Moshe is told to strengthen Yehoshua. The same way I try to strengthen the Gabai... I put him on a decent training program but he never hits the gym. His hagba is horrendous... And what is Moshe’s first move? To talk about Mitzvot. Keeping the commandments… The strength of Yehoshua is the Jews keeping the Mitzvot… I feel weak right now. This shul keeps none of the Mitzvot. Simmy sins... if you said Tehillim better, the gabai would be able to carry a Torah... Strength on the congregants. A leader gets his power from the congregants. Don't blame me for the messed up shul BBQ... I told them 'hamburgers'... As Perek Daled starts (Devarim 4:1) ‘Now Israel hear the decrees and laws that I teach you today to do’… Yes. You have to do them… I know it’s a nice thing… I don’t teach the Mitzvah class so that Yanky can space out. Or so that Rivka can think about how hard they are to keep… ‘in order that you shall live, and come and inherit the Land...’ That says it all. How do you keep the Mitzvot? (Devarim 4:2) ‘Don’t add a to the word that I command you, nor shall you subtract.’ You don’t have committee meetings about Torah. You don’t get to make up Jewish laws based on if it’s too hot outside… You added that strawberry to the chocolate and peanut butter cake... You killed it. There was peanut butter. It was perfect... No. We are breaking up the Halacha committee… Bernie and Sadie should not be deciding what Mitzvot we keep as a congregation… We are going to continue with Rosh Hashana this year... I know the two days is a lot, and the cooking is hard. But it's rewarding. That's how we celebrate... No. We're not going to have a countdown and a party. We celebrate with asking for compassion. A free gift. I am asking for everybody’s compassion here. A simple gift of prayer… Prayer that is not as painful as listening to our Chazan. When a community does their best, does the Mitzvot, they can follow in H’s ways, and the sick people can merit to see their Matzah Ball soup. Rachel. There’s a simple commandment to have kids… I am just saying. Somebody should have compassion for Rachel. Find her a Shidduch. Maybe pray for her... A free gift for her. A guy finally paying for her drink for once. My wife never has to pay... As Shabbat Nachamu is upon us, somebody should have compassion for Rachel. Find her a Shidduch. She needs help. Pray for her soul. May there be Nechama and may we merit a shul trip to Israel soon. May Rachel have Nechama knowing that the other kids in the congregation are all dating. They have a chance to get married soon. She should merit to be there at the wedding to see it. And to see how nice it is when my wife and me are together... She wants to go to Israel too. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The ice complaint was valid. The sodas are never cold enough. And if we had ice, all would be so much happier. The Kiddish committee should be on that. Crushed ice. Is anything better in a drink than crushed ice? The rabbi wants everybody to see Israel. One of our rich congregants asked him and the rabbi explained that flying to Saudi Arabia does not count. He wants us to see it and travel there. He blamed us for him not being able to visit Israel last summer, though it was only one person who complained about a drought. They wanted crushed ice in their cola. You can't blame them. The rabbi didn't have to hit the cup out of her hand. He was really going at the congregation this week. He did hurt Chaim's feelings a bit, when he brought up losing Simon Says. Chaim took that real hard. The rabbi used the double questioning technique a bunch this week. It's a great technique where he gets louder with each question. It really gets people listening. The more frightened they get, the more they listen. We sung, ‘Nachamu Nachamu Ami.’ Nobody understood what it meant, but it was meaningful. Everybody's eyes were closed. You could see they all connected. I think it's the lack of understanding the words that makes it more meaningful. We’re now praying that H’ has compassion on his people in Topeka and let’s us live without Mrs. Milt. She is calling her hatred of Jews, 'activism.' The shul committees are still trying to figure out if activism justifies anti-Semitism and racism. One of our members decided to be an activist for open land. He’s been walking on people’s property and randomly entering people’s homes. He’s the only Jew that Mrs. Milt supports. She says that it is his duty, as an activist for non-ownership, to do whatever he would like, and to walk into anybody’s home he would like. He was caught walking into the home of somebody that is not Jewish. Mrs. Milt called that trespassing and had him locked up for being Jewish. I joined the Matzah Ball Soup committee. Yes. It needed a committee. Otherwise, there would’ve been no argument over whether the pre-made Manischewitz balls were the best or not. It’s the only committee that you can depend on in the shul. Other committees don’t always have arguments. The committees were empowered by the idea that Yehoshua needed the people the practice the Torah in order to have the support for his strength. They used it against the rabbi. They stopped showing up to the weekly Bingo game, and the rabbi felt helpless running Bingo himself. He had to sell the cards and call at the same time. In the end, the rabbi told them they don't have to come to Minyin, as long as they help out at Bingo. Rachel felt that message, as it was focused on her. She is feeling really down now, as the rabbi and his wife (the rebbetzin) have it so good. The idea that the people who didn’t listen to H’ were destroyed, had people thinking that they should do Mitzvot. Even so, most of the people didn't listen to the sermon. Anyhow, we formed a Rachel committee. The committee is focused on finding a special someone for Rachel. Pure focus. This will also only allow each community member one idea a week for Rachel. She insists that she can't hear more than eight ideas a week for men that live more than a fifteen hundred miles away. There is still a lot of entitlement at the shul. Everybody thinks they deserve meat in their choolante. There’s never enough meat in there. And nobody shows up early enough to shul to pray for it. All came away from the sermon feeling spiritually uplifted. The rabbi let all know that they're not deserving of anything, like Moshe who prays to H' for a 'free gift', and the congregation felt great (especially Rachel who is single and needs to meet somebody this Tu BAv). As nobody deserved meat, the rabbi decdied the shul was going to start serving a pareve (meatless) choolante at Kiddish. The rabbi had to explain the concept of prayer being a free gift. It took a while for people to understand that if you pay for it, it's not a gift. Costco's new ad about the gift of saving money and paying less for shoes and mixed nuts, had them confused. The Tehillim for Rachel and her singleness was a beautiful idea. The rabbi was going to let her lead, but he didn’t want to embarrass her. Entitlement is bad. Everybody took the Tehillim for Refuah comment seriously. They stopped saying Tehillim for the soldiers and only for sick people. And they wanted to get paid to say the prayers for people. People are still not praying. They want to get paid to show up to Minyin. This entitlement thing is an epidemic. I think they just don’t want another shul trip to Israel. The last trip was a disaster. Bernie got stuck in the Golan. Tags:
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Why do Jews like to move around so much during davening? Because they want to set themselves apart from the idle worshippers.
You get it? Standing still is being idle. Jews move around a lot (shake or shukel) during prayers, which is davening. And they're not idol worshippers. Phonetically, this is the best joke. Thank you. My friend had this really nice 'Lo Tachmod' poster... I wanted it so badly. You get it? Lo Tachmod is the commandment to not covet what others have... Educational! And a bit of Musar (moral rebuke) for you. How do you celebrate a cow turning 13? A Par Mitzvah. You get it? A Para is a cow (the red heifer- Para Aduma). Change the 'B' with a 'P,' and take at the last 'A'... This week's Torah portion speaks of the Para Aduma... Par Mitzvah on a golf course? We're trying hard for you. Hope you appreciate it. At least we didn't do anything with 'Moo.' What did Bilam's donkey say when Bilam went to curse the Jews? Nay. (Rabbi Mendel's) You get it? That's what the horse said, even if misspelled. It's educational. That's why we do it. Horses are close enough to donkeys. And it's still unique, becauses horses don't say 'nay.' Nor do donkeys. And you also wouldn't see this one in a Laffy Taffy. We didn’t do the ‘moo’ one for the red heifer last week, so we figured we needed to do the neigh one this week. We didn’t want you to miss out. They are planning a huge convention for Kohanim in the near future. The get-together will be called 'The Big Day Kahuna.' You get it? Bigdei Kahuna are the clothing of the Kohen. 'Big Day' means something big is happening. The big Kahuna is the big Kahuna. And this week is Parshat Pinchas. Pinchas was given Kohen status. A wise Ashkenazik Israeli was found asking when to read Parshat Matot, so the community decided we should read Matot-Masai. (Rabbi Mendel's) You get it? The two Parshas (Torah portions) are almost always read together, and 'Matai' means when. 'Masai' is how a frum Ashkenazi would say 'Matai'... Jewish history in a nutshell. This is part of the Hebrew puns of Ashkenazi dialect collection written in English. Next time, the pun will be 'we read Matot when we say Masai.' We believe that makes sense. The underline really adds to that pun. Helps with enunciation. How can you tell if someone is living a double life? If people tell him "until 240" on his birthday. You get it? We don't know if that's a pun. It might be. It definitely connects to Moshe. He lived to 120, the Jewish blessing of long life, and this week's portion is about him. It works. Maybe we should've went with, 'He was living a double life. He was 240.' It all works, because it's puns. Tags:
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And another reason to get married. This way you can wait at the bus stop with somebody else, and get frustrated together. (photo credit Adam Jones, seen on Wikipedia)
Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right.
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married. Married People Invite You and Feed You Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs. Too Old to be an Uncle I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym. Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers. You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing! Somebody to Scream At There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at. Somebody to Complain To If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that. Have Kids The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. To Not Get Old Alone It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too. Another Reason to Have Kids Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary. Decent Food for Dinner For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer. is continually thawed out for your enjoyment. This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to. So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you. Tags:
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On Yom Kippur, I want to be at a relaxed Minyin. I don’t want to do be at one that's intents.
You get it? With Covid, many shuls are having services in tents. People are also very intense. 
That guy is not happy. It's 6am and this guy decides to blow the shofar right in his face. No warning. Just blowing the shofar, doing his duty to wake up the Jewish people. Doesn't even ask the other guy if the kids kept him all night. Just blows the shofar right in his face... No Minyin... And that guy is not loving the tradition of people randomly blowing shofars.For some reason, that guy blowing next to him, before 7am, is not making him feel a closeness to his Creator. (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
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A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/16/2021
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