I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me. 
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday.

Hugs
A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys.
The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another.
Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer.

Kids
Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur.
Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child.

Shushing
Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them.

The Welcomer
This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul.

Conversation
If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah.

Takes the Cellphone Call
Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes.
Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul.

Random Out Loud Hebrew Words
The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy.
I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups.

Shemonah Esrei Out Loud
The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently.
Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying.

Sitting Right Next to Me
Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship.
There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job.
I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest.

Walking
Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling.

Handshake
Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening.

The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them.

They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too.

They Cough
Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell.

Sneeze
I have never heard louder sneezes.
I guess they feel comfortable.  A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew.

Chuchs
Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch.
As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160.
These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun.

Singing
So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah.
And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up.

Breathing
Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..'
Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people.

Standing
Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!'

Shuckling
The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly.

Wearing A Scarf
Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida.

Chair Movement
How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews.

Reconfigure the Shul
How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah.

It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys.

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again.

We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care.
You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served.

We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim.

We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. 

We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’
The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!...
They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here.
It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah.

With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie.
We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul.
‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith.

What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation.
Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here...

It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without.
How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!...

And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet.

We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope.
What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!...
I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees.

Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what???
The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation...
Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed...

And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting.
Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people.
Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted.
First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps....

What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing.
The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot...

Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children...

Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.'
Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant.
One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining.
If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over...

Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids...
No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen.

Rivka's Rundown
It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out.
What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant.

It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements.
If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis.
They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...'

So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque.

How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living.

Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet.
The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years.
It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused.
Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana

The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake.

I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud.

Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids.
Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah.

I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum.

All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim.

I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.

How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday?
Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious?
‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)?
Why is your dog by the tree right now?
Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth?
Are you serious?
No. Really. Are you serious?
Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke.
Why do plastic forks and knives always break?
Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well?
Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question?
Why is everybody looking at me right now?
Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees?
Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder?
Did I show up to the wrong Seder?
Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this?
Are we helping the environment?
Why is my stomach killing?
Do trees get stomach aches?
The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit?
Why do are we eating dried fruit?
Is the dried fruit new?
Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not?
Did they dry the apricots yesterday?
Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them.
Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew?
What are loquats?
Why were they not dry?
Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open.
Why am I calling it the shuk?
Is this not a Jewish holiday?
It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit?
Do oranges grow here?
Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow.
Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd?
Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week?
Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday?
No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday?
Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it?
Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul?
Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew?
Is it religiously fine to care about people?
Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense?
Is it OK if I excuse myself again?
Why is my stomach still killing?
Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic?

Law 9: Anthropomorphism: Don't be Gullible
Now that we have down the foundation of all knowledge, that we know nothing about Gd. With that knowledge, let us explain Gd.
 
Law 9: The Torah uses physical terms to describe Gd. Gd's feet, hands, eyes and ears. Why is it there? If Gd doesn't have it, why do we attribute this to Gd? Why do not finish the full song with mouth and nose, and head, shoulder, knees and toes? There are many questions we have. None of them will be answered, because we know nothing about Gd.

It's placed there as metaphor and examples, so we can understand. Since we are spiritually dumb, we need physical language to have some idea what's going on. Ask any Kabbalist living in Tzfat in the 16th century, you are an idiot.
We're corporeal. No idea what that means. But it sounds sophisticated.

H's hand is really not His hand. You can't slap H' five. This isn't high school. This isn't a baseball game with a high five.
One thing I know about Gd. Always capitalize anything I write about Him.

Why does it say (Shemot 24:10) 'Beneath His feet,' (31:18) 'Written by H"s finger.' (9:3) 'Gd's hand,' (Bereishit 38:7) 'Gd's eyes,' (Bamidbar 11:1) 'Gd's ears' and so on?
I don't know. I hope that helps. Why do you insist on knowing all of this. To quote Shlomo: 'Are you trying to be better than me?!'
This isn't a game. This is life. This is H'. And you think we're playing Mr. Potato Head.
How did Gd write the tablets with His finger when He doesn't have one? Only Gd can do that. Gd and possibly my rabbi.
Now I must be honest. I am very confused.
I can tell you Shimon Simchovitz didn't write the Torah. I've seen his writing. Very poor penmanship. He couldn't even write a Mezuzah.
Bigger question. Where does 'ibid.' come from? How does that mean 'same place'? If you can answer that, that is a knowledgeable human being. If you can spell knowledgeable without spellcheck, you're smart.

How about these?
(Devarim 32:41) 'I will sharpen my lightning sword.' What does that mean? Does H' have a sword? What's a lightning sword? It does sound cool though. Even The Legend of Zelda doesn't have a sword that cool.
(Daniel 7:9) 'Clothed in snow white.' Who has clothes made out of snow? Snow shirts melt. And they don't keep you warm. Yet. H' has that. And why did they never give H' credit for Snow White? These are all very important questions. And we will not answer any of them, because we have no idea.
And Moshe envisioned H' wrapped in a Tallit. Every morning, I envision myself getting smacked with the tassels of the Tallit the guy is wrapping next to me.

A lot of defining about what we can’t define going on over here.

Lesson: H' can't be understood or grasped by human thought. Therefore, we will keep trying to understand Him and learning Torah.
We need the physical terminology because we're idiots. I'm going to get a drink with Gd right now.

Announcements
Rabbi Mendelchem will remain with our congregation. He went on some job interviews for other congregations this past week and noticed that their congregants are just as annoying as ours.
 
The board would like to apologize for the rabbi’s beard. When he was hired it was much longer. We thought we were hiring a rabbi with four chin inches. We thought he was holy. Now we question him as our spiritual leader. We will be taking the rabbi's beard length to Beit Din for faulty sale.

Aspirations are important. Our board aspires to find a new rabbi.
 
No more new tunes for Lecha Dodi. Binyamin thinks he’s educating the congregation. It’s just annoying. Everybody likes the traditional Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune... And no more excitement from the Baal Tefillah. Excitement seems to manifest itself with loud table banging and shocked people with bad hearts. Our members don’t take well to excitement. Especially the older members.

We’re asking members to greet each other. Hellos might help members feel wanted. Nobody in our shul is cool enough to avoid saying ‘Hello.’

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Herd...
When it comes to worrying you run. You love to worry. When something goes wrong and you have something to worry about, that makes your day... Don't lie Fran. You love to worry. Almost as much as complaining... The best thing that happened to you is your car got stolen. That’s all you talked about for the next month.
You run to insurance. You beg them to give you money. You worry about your money and will do anything for it. Like Paroh. When it comes to loss of land, Paroh rushes. Paroh is all of the sudden religious... You shouldn’t have bought a Kia. It's a plague.

The locusts are in the fields killing the vegetation that ‘the hail left,’ (Shemot 10:16) ‘And Paroh rushes to call Moshe and Aharon, and he said, “I have sinned to H.”’
He became religious for a moment because he was worried. He worried about his money.  The same way you worry about the Forte. The same way the board became religious when I asked for a raise. ‘But we are here serving Gd.’ You were here not giving me a raise.
Sforno teaches that Paroh hurried because he was worried about permanent damage to the vegetation. He was worried about Egypt's ability to produce. Money... If you guys worried about the shul lawn, it wouldn’t be full of weeds...

(10:18-20) The locusts are hurled towards the sea and Paroh’s heart is hardened by H’ and he doesn’t send out the Jews.
When the monetary worry is gone, you have no reason to be religious or kind anymore. The board decided to not give me a raise, and they didn’t show up to shul today. A bunch of Parohs. They stop praying...
If you all rushed for your spiritual needs. If you all rushed to wash Netilat Yadaim... The way you run, Bernie, somebody would get hurt.

When it comes to money, you rush. When was the last time your ran to shul?When was the last time you said, 'Maybe they need me for a Minyin. I should head to Walmart to pick up some groceries'?...
You rush out of shul, and I don't blame you. You want to run away from conversations with Felvel and Cindy Shprintza Leah...

No. Don’t take credit for be annoying. The other shuls have annoying members. You are still annoying. You still have me questioning if it’s worth it to be Jewish if you have to be part of this congregation.

You need a spiritual leader to ensure you understand to not be annoying. To understand your spiritual needs are just as important as your money. Which is why you should give your rabbi a raise...
This is a legitimate beard. I measured it and it’s three inches from the chin. That is long. That is holy... By American standards that is holy... We are not in Israel. In Israel it's five inches from chin...

You have aspirations to get a good job that makes money, and you run to that. Be a decent person. How about that for an aspiration? Do a decent Tu BShvat Seder. How about that for an aspiration? Don't bother your rabbi. How about that... You can’t even achieve that.
Not one aspiration to do good for people and connect with H’. My beard was an aspiration at some point. Then I decided to aspire to be closer to Gd... Yes. You do need a beard for that...
What spiritual aspirations do you have?
You should run to achieve spiritual aspirations. You should run to not be like Bernie. You run to do good things. 'Zerizim Makdimin LMitzvot'... How should I know what that means?!

The guy runs up to take the Amud and lead us in Davening... Has to be the Chazin. Runs to show off these new tunes... Nobody cares.
Who are you Chezy?! Trying to educate us with your aspirations to be a Chazin... No. We don't want it. We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week. Another new tune for Kabalat Shabbat. 'Lecha Dodi.' That's the song.
Now we have to sit through a guy who thinks he's educating us.... And your table hitting and jumping doesn’t help. You’re not an athlete. You don’t need to jump in shul. It’s not a basketball game... That’s not dancing. That’s jumping... That wasn’t a beat. You were hitting the table.
Nobody in this shul is that holy, where they should be teaching other Jewish stuff... My beard is holy.
Run to grow a beard and you might become more spiritual. You might start thinking less about your money... A raise is not money. A raise is to connect to Gd. Higher. Raise.

You greet people. You run to greet people... No. It’s not cool to not say hi. It’s just uncomfortable to be here... I don’t like being the rabbi. The most exciting thing I can do in this shul is grow my beard.
If you worry more about doing Mitzvahs and not your money. If you worried more about being kind... A raise would be nice.

Rivka's Rundown
Kia Fortes are a very valuable car to thieves in our town. We know, as the two members that parked them in the shul parking lot over Shabbis did not see their cars after Shabbis. Some in our shul say it was the Shabbat Queen who took it for a Melavah Malkah. The Kia Forte owners are getting really annoyed with the new spiritual members in our shul.

The rabbi is going to stay with us. Those were the kindest words the rabbi ever said to our congregation. He wants to stay with us, because congregants at other shuls are also annoying.

The board wants a beard from our rabbi. A longer beard. They should hire rabbis based on beard length. Each inch should be a 10k raise in salary.
I do feel bad about the rabbi's beard length argument. And I do believe his shaving his beard to #1 on the clippers was called for, as food was constantly getting stuck somewhere in the thicket. However, he was hired for a longer beard length, and he has lost much respect since trimming it.

It always comes down to a raise. If we gave the rabbi a raise, he would be fine. He would probably stop giving sermons.
The idea of a raise being spiritual because it is higher. Only our rabbi could be so profound.

The rabbi said Paroh was better than the shul board. At least Paroh took care of the land. The shul lawn does need some mowing weeding. They won't even pay for somebody to do that.
We can't get anybody to volunteer to mow the lawn. That's a definite. Nobody is willing to do anything for the shul, unless if they get paid. If they get a long Mishebeyrach, they are also happy. I think they like doing long Mishebeyrach blessings for the family members in the middle of Davening because it bothers the rest of the congregation. To our membership, that is worth something.

It is annoying when these people are all trying to achieve something nobody cares about. Now we have little Samantha trying to get into an Ivy League. Her parents said it's important to them she gets in. Otherwise, she won't learn to hate Jews.

And now, these kids leading services. It has to stop. They do these new Lecha Dodi tunes, like it’s revolutionary. So now we have to sit through this new tune the guy heard at some Yeshiva in Israel. Something to a Eurovision melody. It's either a Eurovision song, or something that one of these new singers wrote, not realizing they were writing a Carlebach song that was already out there. These guys write these new Lecha Dodi songs with an Am chord, thinking they didn't hear it form Carlebach. Revolutionaries.
The Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune is the best one. It’s been the best one for fifty years. And nobody needs to learn it, because it’s good.
And then we have to deal with excitement shown in the form of jumping. If nobody else is excited about your tune, please don't jump. You're not going to sell it to me. If it's not Bum BaDa Bum Bum, you're not going to sell it to me.
The most brilliant point I will ever make to the congregation. Here it is. 'We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week.' It's so annoying when these kids think they found a new great tune. They all sound like another Carlebach song.

The rabbi is correct again. You greet people. It is uncomfortable coming to shul. You don’t know if you’re going to get a Shabbat Shalom or not. I think we are the most unfriendly place to be.
I have stopped saying 'Shabbat Shalom,' because half the time I get no response.
A greeting committee was formed, so that our members don't have to be nice every week. Niceness is now in a cycle. It was hard, but we got a couple of people to volunteer to be nice.

Please know, our rabbi is a spiritual holy man. Due to the discussion, he did Teshuva. As he repented, he has added a minute to his Shema prayer for each inch of beard he has lost. Now, his Shema takes seven minutes. As they wait six and a half minutes for the rabbi to finish the Shema, the congregants are complaining even more now.
The board voted towards the end of the week. They have decided that they don't want a spiritual rabbi. They also said that spiritual means the rabbi isn't found in his office very often. When the rabbi wasn't seen for a three days at shul, the president asked him what happened. The rabbi explained that he got caught up in the middle of a Shema.

Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people. 
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. 
Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. 

It is the Israeli Defense Forces
You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt.
I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.'

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years
I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours.
 
I Studied Social Work
My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem.
 
Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service
I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts.
I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk
The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs.
I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad
Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts
I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts.

I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors
That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself.
 
Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me
I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift.

I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea
Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. 
During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on.
Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target.
I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal.

Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally.
​Till then, Israel is a safer place.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.

Announcements
Since the Chanukah party, Mel has become addicted to gambling. Next year we won’t throw a Dreidel around a spinning thing with numbers that have pockets for the Dreidel to fall in. Why the Dreidel game needed a separate spinning wheel with 38 pockets is something we are still asking the Chanukah party committee about.

Another winter car accident. Our members can’t even drive in summer. To keep the roads safe, we suggest our membership walk to shul.

Appreciation Profile: We commend all of the children from our congregation who are in the Israeli army. We still see nothing positive in your parents. At least you bring a little Nachis and respect to your Mishpuchis. If your parents move to Israel we will respect them.

No quoting the Torah if it's not a quote. Too many of our congregants are quoting Torah that is not Torah. This has been confusing many of our congregants who think anything said in Hebrew is word from Gd.

To make for peace amongst our congregants, emails are not allowed anymore. When it’s in email form, you can’t take back capital letters.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Flock...

Maybe we should have plagues... If we had plagues, you would act good for a day. You wouldn't abuse Jews... You abuse your rabbi. You’re like Paroh. When there are plagues you say, ‘I’m sorry H.”’ Plagues stop and you’re out there making Jews work with mortar... You asked for extra coleslaw at Kiddish. Ever make coleslaw? It’s the same thing...

(Shemot 6:26-27) ‘This was the Aharon and Moshe... They were the ones who spoke to Paroh... this was the Moshe and Aharon.’ How many Moshe and Aharons were there in Egypt? It wasn’t like Sarah in our shul. Everybody is Sarah. I counted twenty... Did the community think there were no other Jewish names before Mark became a member? Did it take a new generation or somebody visiting New York to realize that just because you’re a Jew you don’t have to call your daughter Sarah?...

'This was the Aharon and Moshe.' The children of Yocheved and Amram. Genealogy is important when you accomplish something... Notice that Efraim’s parents never talk about him... We learned the genealogy of Aharon and Moshe and so now we say these are the guys. We see they come from good people... Ever heard people say, ‘I’m from Topeka.’ ‘I’m from Beis KNesses Anshei Emes uSefilah’? No... Exactly. Because of Bernie...

Maybe it was a popular name. Look at our shul. Fifteen Moshes... ‘This was the Moshe.’ It wasn’t Moshe Pinkowitz. Pinky wasn’t the Moshe that got the Jews out of Egypt. That should be clear... You don't have Pinky freeing our people. Going over to Paroh and saying, 'I think we need a bigger Kiddish'... Always complaining...

Why Aharon first and then Moshe first??? Not everything is a competition.
Chazal teach us that both were equally great, so you mention one first... Nobody ever mentioned Efraim first. Even during roll call his teachers never called him first. Last name is Aaronovitz...
I don’t know why Eli always gets to the lollypops first. He might be better than the other kids... When it comes to Bar Mitzvah candy throwing, Eli is a beast. He takes down the other kids... I know he’s twenty. He’s still a kid... When are you too old to dive on the floor for candies in shul?! Never. Exactly...
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that Aharon reached his potential. Reaching your potential is what makes you great.... Eli jumping on the floor and taking down other kids for candy is his potential...

And our shul just stops people from reaching their potential. Stopping Eli from getting some Sunkist jelly circles.
Who brought the roulette wheel? That wasn’t Dreidel... That was a scam. The Dreidel didn’t even move. The shul took 90% on the winnings. And that wasn't even dues. Now we have addicts, chasing their losses... That's why people haven't been back. They don't have enough money to gamble at shul...

Whatever our congregants do just causes harm to others. Even driving. I'm afraid to leave the parking lot. The way Bernie backs up with his eyes on his steering wheel... You look at other cars. You look to see if there are people... H' created the laws of Shabbat so that our membership wouldn't drive. The laws of Shabbat saves lives...

The Moshe and Aharons of our shul. The Elis of our shul. That is who we look to right now. We commend all the kids who’ve done the Israeli army. They’re bright. They’re courageous. They're smart. They left this congregation...
I think the board is trying to get some of the people to move out of the congregation. The announcement of appreciation and respect for our children who went off to serve our people turned into a spite of their parents.

You’re not quoting Torah... 'It says in the Torah that you should make money.' Where did you get that from? Where does it say that... Because you said it's in the Torah doesn't mean it's in the Torah...
The Torah does say I should get a raise, so that your rabbi can reach his potential. 'VaYomer HaRav LGabaim SheHeim Loh Bseder. vKoolam Sonim Otam.' Torah...

It's about potential. And being there to help others reach their potential. That's how you lead. Not through emails.
No emails is Torah. Everything you write is nasty... And no social media either... Because you looks stupid... Your emails are just mean... If that’s not the tone, then why are you capitalizing everything... Take it off of caps lock and you will look nicer. Your whole Kiddish complaint to the board was with caps.
If you didn't use caps, we'd look at your genealogy... That's what it is Pinky. If there was a plague, you wouldn't write emails for a day.

Rivka's Rundown
There are a lot of converts in our congregation. They named their daughters after their mothers.
Then the men were all named Moshe. No idea why. Just lack of creativity and Torah knowledge. Then Mark joined the shul and people started thinking you can name Jews in English. Now we have Tyler as a member. Named Tyler at his Bris.

The rabbi decided that gambling fundraisers are still gambling. The president argued with the rabbi, then took back ten thousand dollars of the rabbi's salary and said, 'That's ten thousand the shul lost in chips.'
We had Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our shul. Those stopped when all the members were trying to figure out why we're not a church.
It all started with Chanukah. The whole shul is now addicted to slot machines. Last week, the rabbi had to go to the casino to give a Halacha class. It was a beautiful teaching about chasing your kids in shul instead of chasing your losses.

Winter driving in our town is dangerous. No snow. People just can’t drive.
The suggestion of members walking to shul had nothing to do with keeping Shabbat. Though, as the rabbi said, 'Keeping H"s laws of Shabbat saves lives. At least of the other people on road.'

Such a beautiful job of working the Israeli soldiers into the sermon. The rabbi has been doing that lately. It makes it all more meaningful during this time. Letting the congregants know how they have not helped the nation at all is a great lesson that touches the heart of the congregation.
I think the one good thing about many of our children joining the Israeli army, according to our rabbi, is that they’ve left our community, and that is smart.

Our membership is notorious for fake Torah sources. One was when Mark argued that Mark is a name found in Deuteronomy. He argued it by saying 'Devarim.' The argument went, 'There is Shlomo HaMelech, Noach, and Mark. Mark in Devarim.'
And they all use a Hebrew word and think they've won a Halachik conversation. I belive she said, 'And you can't do Hotza'ah of a Siddur...' What does that mean? Just because you used Hebrew doesn't make it a Jewish law. I think she didn't want somebody else using the Artscroll Siddur she has branded as hers.
The rabbi used the term Chazal, meaning our teachers or something, which means he didn't know who said it. But everybody considered it law. It was in Hebrew.

They say nasty stuff in their emails. Emails are worse than social media. If we interacted through our email talk, we would all be like Bernie and Max talking. A lot of anger and arguing about everything.
Now nobody in the congregation likes anybody. It’s all emails. If we stick with emails less people will show up to shul. In upcoming sermons, I am guessing the rabbi is going to start talking about how people should only interact through emails.

Coleslaw is hard to make. It’s back breaking if you don’t buy the pre-cut vegetables. Why nobody in our shul purchased the diced slaw makes no sense. I agree with the rabbi. If they made them do the extra work, that’s Parohesque. To have to cut the slaw is a Paroh thing. Our rabbi hits it right on the nose every time. Nose hitting would be a good plague.
Only way things in our shul work out is if there is a crisis. I think that a plague would get everybody in line. 

Laws 7-8: Oneness Can't Be Defined - So We Shall Define It

Law 7: There is only One. As it says in the Torah, (Devarim 6:4) 'H" is our Gd, H" is One.' That is another commandment. Third one in this chapter. Three commandments for a belief that we cannot believe in more than once. That is a lot of expression of one belief, that there is One. One Gd.
How many gods do you need? Are there not enough Mitzvahs as there is?! We don't need more commandments. The Torah is good.
Anything more than One would mean physical and that means an end. That means a board is getting involved and there are committees, and religion dies. I hope that doesn't offend you.
H' is not offended. H' doesn’t have feelings, for that would mean change, and that is physical. Point is that this is very confusing.

H' has no body. Hence, anything dealing with bodies is not relevant to Gd. H' is not limited or defined. Gd is simply one. Therefore, we can't describe Gd. Now I am confused, and trying to figure out why we are defining something that can't be defined. This feels a bit like math.
As it teaches in the Shema, (Devarim 6:4) 'Hear oh Israel, H' is our Lord H' is One.' That's it. H' is one and there are a lot of Mitzvahs about it.

Law 8: H' has no body, as H' is the 'Lord in the heavens above and earth below' (Devarim 4:39). A physical being can't be in two places at once. How my parents knew when I misbehaved in school is still an anomaly.
And H' resembles nothing else. Physical beings resemble other things. That cannot happen when there is oneness. H' doesn't have a doppelganger.
Nobody has ever posted a Gd lookalike on Instagram. Only selfies. Anybody who thinks they're posting a Gd doppelganger is probably posting Charlton Heston. Charlton was Moses.
(Isaiah 40:25) 'To whom can you liken Me and that I will be equal.' Something with a body has equals. And H' doesn't have an ego. He's not showing off here. If Deion Sanders was saying that he has no equal, that would be egotistical.
I didn't learn the rest of Isaiah. Too many chapters.
Why do we not see H'? If we would've seen Gd at Har Sinai, we would've started making idols (Devarim 4:15-16). We would've got all high on ourselves and started making gods. Physical beings like Play-Doh too much.
Why do you need H' to be physical? Do you have a need to go drinking with Him?! I am confused. Who is my doppelganger?

Without these beliefs in Gd, it would appear that we would be following subjective laws, and there would not be a ‘Truth.' I have met many people, and I can say that I would not want them making up laws. We all see what happened in the Knesset over the past 75 some-odd years. How the Jerusalem municipality can put a stop on my bank account for not paying somebody else's Arnona... only a finite being can come up with a law like that. Want to talk about why there is no decent park in my neighborhood? Somebody in the city made that decision. Some fool who is probably printing Silly Putty on a newspaper right now.

Lesson: The real idea being expressed is that us finite beings are idiots. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that you are not that smart.
Because we are not that clever, the Torah commands us to believe in Gd, in three ways.

People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you.
Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me.
 
I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty
I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back.
Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway.
 
I am Out of Shape
After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz.
If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. 

I Would Look Like a Reservist
I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more.
When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People
I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.
Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old
I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.
I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat.

Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments
I am old. All I do is express my political opinions.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint
Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine.
 
I am American
You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.
 
I Don’t Smoke
The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running.
Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. 
Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures.

Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists.

Announcements
We are sorry for the handouts reading ‘5783’ until now. We’re glad our board finally caught onto the year 5784 with the New Year of 2024. A bunch of Apikorsim. Now that it’s New Years, maybe they’ll do Teshuva.

Shimon has taken off eight pounds over the past three months, thanks to Shacharit. He wants everybody to know how much he appreciates the aisle. To quote: ‘The space makes it more comfortable to get in my steps. While I’m pacing, I don’t bump into anybody bowing.’

The coffee and cookies are there for after services during the week. Not for a meal at your seat in shul. The rabbi has reported too many people bringing coffee and cake into services. The spills have cost the shul much in carpet repairs.

The rabbi wants to apologize for bringing up the Kashrut conversation. The pizza shop won’t have a Hashgacha. So there won’t be arguments.

The Botox is too much. Our congregants look scary. Children are crying.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
Moshe, the great prophet who H’ chose to be the catalyst for our redemption from slavery. Nothing to do with Moshe Yisraelav who’s just an annoying community member who likes to complain. No redemption. Just complaints...

The redemption starts with compassion. (Shemot 2:6) Paroh’s daughter went down to the river, and when she opened up the basket and saw the baby crying, ‘She took pity on him.’ She had compassion. Not like the sisterhood who sees kids taking extra cookies... You take it off their plates and they start crying. You cause the crying.

This leads to a life of Moshe growing up as her son... The movie shows he’s her son... Pasuk 10 says he’s her son....

It wasn’t just Paroh’s daughter’s compassion. It was Miriam, Moshe’s sister, who didn’t take her eyes off him (2:4) to see what would happen to him...
She didn't just watch like it was a movie. She didn't just stand there and say, 'That's it,' like when your kid is running in the halls with the pastry platter...
You see nothing. You can’t even keep your kids away from the Kiddish. We get no cookies. They take them all... Then watch your children.
You don’t watch your kids in the halls. Running around all of Davening. Yelling... We all hear it... Then watch your children.
Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?!!! Where are the parents. Does she have a parent?! Does this child have a parent?!...

Family has to take responsibility. Miriam took responsibility. Miriam would've never let Moshe take all of the Kichel.
The sisterhood should start their smack patrol... Because you don't parent.

And she saw to it that he was fed by a Jewish woman. Redemption is birthed in compassion. There was no board at the river. No Michael as president...

Why are you pacing? It’s a sermon... Shimon. The point in Shacharit isn’t to get in your steps. It’s an aisle. It’s not a track.
Does Shimon have a parent?!

Mrs. Feigelbaum. Why do you have cake with you... It's shul. It's Davening... I understand you're worried about the kids getting all of the bundt cake. But you have put on five dress sizes since you started coming to shul... It's the eating during services...
Shimon is annoying too. But he's taking off weight with his Shacharit walking group... You’re not going to take off weight eating cookies and cake during services... The chair is not a coffee table. And you spill... Because it’s not a table. Your stuff falls off...

We’re talking about catalysts. Catalysts for redemption. Not Botox...
No. The Botox does not make you look better. It is horrendous. Nobody. No face has ever been redeemed from Botox.

Let me repeat. Compassion takes involvement. His sister ensured Moshe drank the milk of a Jewish woman... This isn't a Kosher conversation. Your involvement in Kosher is annoying.
No more Kosher conversations. You guys go off on it, as if you’re running the OU.
You argue about Kosher. Do you keep it?!

Compassion and responsibility. Keeping Kosher and not arguing about it. Fear of Gd and not Botox.
(Shemot 1:21) And because they feared Gd, He made them houses. H' didn't commend them for wasting money on Botox with houses... Compassion on the children who are crying more from Botox than missing out Danish. Compassion brought about by fear of Gd is what houses are made from...

There is no compassion here. There's no fear of Gd. Just Botox... The midwives, Yocheved and Miriam, had compassion. They didn’t kill the Jewish baby boys... You're stopping them from taking platters of Danish and rugulach seems to be killing them, Mrs. Feigelbaum.
As we have seen, saving Jewish babies takes compassion in Middle Eastern culture. Because of that compassion (1:20) ‘the people increased and became very strong.’
May we be Zoyche to merit compassion in our world. It won't come from the board... They don't even know what year it is... No. It's not 2024. Fools. It's 5784.

Rivka's Rundown
The sisterhood takes the food off the kids' plates. They're right. The kids take too much. Sometimes it's just two kids who take the rugulach platters. They even take before Kiddish. And Mrs. Feigelbaum, with nothing to eat, is stuck trying to figure out what to do during the cantor's repetition of the Amidah.
I've given up on eating any of the Kiddish cakes. By the time I get there, it's empty. And I am not about to go to the kids' table to get my pastries. The kids are just disgusting. They're filthy. I don't even think the parents shower these kids. And then they probably rub their hands in the Danish. We should designate the kids table as the pastry table. All of the cakes, cookies and rugulach end up there.

The parents do nothing. MidSermon the kid was on the rabbi’s leg. One kid tackled Mrs. Feigelbaum for a chocolate chip cookie during Torah reading.
The sisterhood wants to start a smack patrol to parent the children. I’m all for it. Somebody has to parent the children for the parents, so I can start eating chocolate Danish again.

Shimon can’t stand still for a second. He was walking around the whole rabbi’s sermon. The rabbi had to make it clear that there was no need for anybody to be walking around, as it was not an appeal.
The only appeal was for Shimon to sit.
Shimon has signed up people for his morning walking group in shul. I show up and it feels like Simchat Torah. They just pace around the shul. One of the members insisted they carry the Torah, daily. He said, 'It is better than ankle weights. You get a great core workout as well.'

It's not right to blame Mrs. Feigelbaum for everything. The men's section is full of spills all over the carpet. These guys come to Davening to eat. It’s like their Dunkin Donuts break from work. The chairs at Dunkin Donuts are not comfortable enough for them.

They congregants think they look better with the injections. They look scarier with the Botox. Rafi, with his new lips is too much. My niece ran, screaming, ‘I’m being attacked by a rubber lips.'

You bring up Kosher and everybody has their stories. It is so annoying to sit there for hours listening to all the complaints. The only real story is the one about the guy getting killed for saying something wasn't Kosher. Our congregants have taken that lesson to heart. You say something isn't Kosher and you're risking death. Which is why most of them eat regularly at Wendy's.

People killing babies on purpose and chopping off heads is acceptable nowadays if it's against Israel. I think that was the rabbi's point at the end. That was the first time the rabbi didn't blame our shul for something.

The rabbi saying that compassion takes involvement was the worst idea ever. Now, the shul has twelve new committees. A lot of involvement by annoying people who want more pastry at Kiddish.
The rabbi was hoping they would start a committee to give him a raise. It turns out that none of the members of the shul are that compassionate.

Law 6: You Don't Get Knowledge from College

Law 6: This belief, this knowledge, of Gd is the commandment of ‘I am H’ your Gd’ (Exodus 20:2). The commandment is not the belief that you have control over your internet package. You don't. They're going to change it. It's not the knowledge that your mechanic will rip you off. Though that is a foundational truth of the world. It is that H' is Gd, and Gd is Truth.

And you cannot think that there are other gods, as that would be transgressing the negative commandment of ‘You shall not have other gods before Me.’ (Exodus 20:3). Why the Rambam has to repeat the Mitzvah that is explicitly stated in the Torah? Learn a bit. Keep Shabbat. It says it in the Torah, so keep it. Do we have to go over every Mitzvah. Maybe we should spend some time reminding you to do the Mitzvah H' tells you to do. How about you don't worship idols?! Let's start there. It's like we're speaking to a bunch of heretics.
So yes, thoughts count. As unimportant as you may be, and as much as you don't know, you can still transgress and/or do a mitzvah. If you help out around the house and maybe call for a new internet bundle package, maybe you're getting a Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. Even so, honoring your parents is not the commandment of belief. The belief is that H' is your Gd. Believing that you have to honor your parents is not a Mitzvah. Get them a decent internet package, and help a bit around the house. Honor your parents because it says it in the Torah. It's a Mitzvah. Sorry we didn't repeat that yet.
This knowledge of Gd is the Ikar (main thing) that everything else is founded on. Yes. Anybody who doesn’t believe in Gd is an idiot. They know nothing. They are so dumb, they might even end up becoming a professor. And who commanded this? Gd. Exactly.

If you don't believe this, you're a heretic. How many gods do you think there are? That was a trick question. The dean of Harvard would've gotten the answer wrong.
And this is why I am starting a course for our Ivy League students that is Belief in The Primary Being for Fools Who Think They Are Important and Hate Jews 101. The next course will be Context 103 in which you learn that you’re an idiot who paid 500k for college.

Lesson: If you don't know this stuff. It's fine. Just keep saying the Shema. Maybe you’ll see 'H’ is Truth' there too. And say the Shema (see Halacha 4). It's a Mitzvah. If people would just learn a little Torah, we wouldn't have to repeat everything.
Next week, we will be back with more Rambam Halachas, repeating the Torah for you and reminding you to upgrade your internet and cable package. Prices are going down.
And it’s a Mitzvah to learn Torah. It says that in the Torah. So, you have to learn the Halachas, because the Rambam is repeating the Torah. You have no choice.

The Shnurer is the bedrock of the Jewish community. The beggar who has a right to your money.  The Shnurer is there to remind you that you must give Tzedakah.
Tzedakah means charity. You probably don't know that. The one Hebrew word you don't know. Yet, the Shnurer reminds you. At shul, at your office, at your home, they are there to remind you. They will find you. And they will find a way to get your money. In the middle of Davening, they will find a way to get your money. While you're deep in meditation, they will find a way. They will stand right there, shaking handful of change and a credit card machine.
It may be offsetting to see these people begging, who definitely have more money than you. Yet, it is our obligation to give them money. It's their living.
Enough about the Shnurer. Here are a couple of Shnurer jokes we stole, to talk more about the Shnurer.

The Guys Working Together
You put an American in the mix. Americans don't understand Chutzpah. You throw them into Israel or any society where people interact, and you have a joke.
My father A"H used to tell this joke. He told it better than me. Maybe you can punctuate it better the punchline I can.
The Joke: An American is walking in the Old City of Jerusalem and one guy asks him very nicely for some Tzedakah. He gives him a bit.
As the American keeps walking, another guy starts to hound him for money. He starts yelling at him, 'You heretic. Walking in your new sneakers. Probably not willing to give any charity. You should be ashamed of yourself. Only giving pettiness... You call that, what you gave, Tzedakah. Shame on you!!!' The American gives the guy a shekel and goes back to the first guy and gives him a twenty dollar bill. The American goes back to the guy who was yelling at him and says, 'You should be more like that guy. That's how you get Tzedakah.'
The yelling Shnurer turns to the first Shnurer, 'Shloimy. Look who's telling us how to run our business.'
So many Shnurers. They all have the same name. Always called Shnurer. Except Shloimy.

The Shnurer in America
I heard this one in shul. Anything told to you that disrupts the cantor's repetition of the Amidah is good. At least you're not paying attention to the prayer, and you're disturbing services. It makes a Jewish joke more enjoyable.
The Joke: A Shnurer visiting America is knocking on doors, going to shuls, showing up by people's hospital beds. He's doing anything to get money. He sees this man, Schwartz, and gives him the whole shpiel: 'I'm raising money for my family. A single dad of fifteen kids. How poor we are. We're trying to make it in Israel. My wife died. It is just me, raising eight children. We have nothing. We Live in rubble. My child is missing a leg. Oh Jerusalem. How I mourn my poverty.' Feeling bad, Schwartz gives the Shnurer two thousand dollars.
A few months later, Schwartz is in Jerusalem. Walking around the Old City he sees the Shnurer. He follows him to his house. He looks through the window and sees children running around in a beautiful home, laughing. A huge Shabbat table with guests. A chandelier fit for a Jew in Boro Park. A view of the Kotel. The wealth is abundant. He knocks on the door and the Shnurer invites Schwartz in. In a state of shock Schwartz asks the Shnurer, 'What is all of this about?! You have so much Bracha. You lied to me.' The Shnurer turns to him, 'What? It should bother you my wife is alive.'
Jerusalem really adds a sense of holiness to a Jewish joke. Also, add in a Yiddish word like 'shpiel' and it's a more Jewish joke.
Why the Shnurer answered the door, that part makes no sense. Any Shnurer should know you don't answer the door, or somebody will ask for something.
Alternative Ending: Shnurer asks Schwartz if he needs any money.

Conclusion
We need the Shnurers. Otherwise, you would give money without feeling guilty. And you would only give to poor people.
Without the Shnurer, you would be able to go to shul and focus on prayers. Or jokes. Always tell jokes in the middle of Davening. It's funnier when it disturbs people's Kavanah.
It's always good to add Schwartz as a name in a Jewish joke. It sounds more antisemitic that way.