Do We Need a Rabbi?
Decisions used to be made by asking the rabbi. However, at the turn of the century, the wise men and women of Chelm heard that rabbis wanted to be paid. Yankel heard this and protested, 'Why should we pay anybody to make decisions? We are wise. Before Rabbi Fishel came, we made decisions. Decision making is our tradition. It's in our blood.' Before more anti-Semitic rhetoric and libels against Jews were declared, Mendel responded, 'But once Rabbi Fishel came, he was making decisions.' And Bayla said, 'You fool.' Sarah Shaindel heard this and acquiesced, 'That’s how we should do it. We will make decisions.' To which all the wise men and women agreed, 'We just made a decision.' And none of it had to do with Torah.
Bayla questioned, 'Should we not ask a rabbi?' Berel the Gabai was taken aback by this question, as were the other wise men and women. 'Are we allowed to make the decision to have a rabbi or not? Should we not ask the rabbi?' So, the wise men and women sat on it for forty days and forty nights, till the rabbi's salary was up for renewal.

Sarah Shaindel climbed the mountain to meditate. It was summer and she wanted to go on a hike. There's a mountain right on the outskirts of town and it's got great scenery.
Over the course of forty days many questions arose in Chelm, such as, 'Do we have to keep Shabbat every week?' Great debate was had, as Shabbat is the day of rest and many people were getting tired due to all of the cooking and preparation they had to do for it. Sarah Shaindel came back and people were expecting an answer. She said, ‘I have nothing, and we are wise.’

Mendel came in, as the fool always does, and said that only a rabbi can answer these questions. The wise men and women retorted, 'You fool. We answer questions all the time.' To which Mendel said, 'Not correctly.' To which the wise men and women said, 'You are correct.' But questions arose as to whether or not that was the right answer.
After forty more days, the question still remained. And Mendel exclaimed, 'Only a rabbi can answer that question.' So, they rehired Rabbi Fishel to answer the question. How they first rehired Rabbi Fishel is a debate to this day, as that was a decision the rabbi had to make.

Rabbi Fishel's contract was up every year, as they were still not sure if the decision to hire a rabbi was a decision that they were allowed to make. It is possible that only a rabbi can make that decision.
At this point of decision making, the wise men and women realized how wise this new generation of wise men and women of Chelm are. And so it was. They decided that they needed a new rabbi to field all their questions, and they decided that they, the wise men and women, would answer them. And that is how the board was formed. 

What is a Board?
Decisions had to be made. This new way of Jewish community establishment forced the shul to be taken over by community members and fundraisers. After much talk, it was decided that smart people do fundraisers, because people wear suits during the week to them. Not knowing what a fundraiser was, or how to pay the rabbi, somebody told them they must create a board.

The wise men and women exclaimed the brilliance of this idea of the board.
'What is a board?' asked Sarah Shaindel. Yankel, who had spent time at university and Yeshiva in Israel guided, 'A board is people who meet to make decisions.' 'But every one of us has made decisions, ever since Chelm was founded back before I was born,' added Duvidel. Berel, the Gabai and sexton, decided, 'Well. We have our answer. We will all be on the board.' And thus, the new generation of Chelm's board assembled. And all of the people of Chelm were on the board. And no decisions were made. 
They tried to figure out who the president should be, so they asked, 'Who hates the rabbi?' 

And the question arose, 'We are wise. Why do we need a board?' To which Berel the Gabai answered, 'To have meetings.' And Fayge responded, 'Our Gabai is so wise.'

How Do We Make Decisions?
There was no answer to that question.
The board met weekly to discuss and resolves issues. And they discussed for hours, in what was called a meeting. And everybody shared their opinions. And they met weekly to discuss and resolve issues. And they continued to meet weekly, and they discussed. The same questions every week. And for years nothing was resolved. And no decisions were made as to the fundraiser. And Yankel said, 'We have a board.'
So they sat in more meetings. And Bayla said, 'These meetings are very important. All board members must show to the meetings.' And all of Chelm showed to the meetings, and no decisions were made.
 
Epilogue
Many people wanted to leave the board once their tenure in office was up. The board told the people that they are still on the board. To quote, 'You are still citizens of Chelm. You are wise. You should also share your opinion on everything.' And so, everybody remained on the board, even when they had no position, and shared their opinion.
Meetings took days, as everybody said their opinion is important.
There were thousands of secretary positions. Secretary of greenery. Secretary of greetings. Secretary of people. Secretary of homes. The list includes, secretary of books. I believe that was the librarian. They changed jobs into secretary positions. Secretary of convenience was the guy with the bodega. The youth director holds the chair as secretary of children.
Now, everybody in Chelm is important, and the rabbi cannot tell them what to do.
The rabbi once thought to make a decision, after much discussion of the wise men and women. The decision was then made to tell the rabbi to not talk.
To this day, the only decision made is to have a rabbi, and the wise men and women of Chelm regret that.

Independence Day is upon us in North America and it's time to think about what that means to us as Jews. Other than complaining about the government and our friends who share their thoughts, what is there to love about American independence? Whether you're Canadian or American, your freedom is here. Let's see what America has given the Jews. 

Jewish Culture and Tradition
That means an Eastern European accent.
I've never met an old British Jew who didn't sound like they were from Britain. American Jews who moved from Europe, sound like they're from Poland. That's Jewish. Sounding like you're speaking Yiddish is Jewish.
The old American Ashkenazik Jew is always speaking Yiddish, even when they're talking in English. Either that or I just can't understand a thing they say. 

A Place to Live
Where were we going to go? We got kicked out of every other country. Were we going to go back to Italy? If America didn't have independence, the Europeans would've kicked us out of America too.

Brooklyn
Brooklyn, the land of the Jewish people, is thanks to America.
Brooklyn has it all. Eichler's bookstore, where Judaica emanates from, and nobody is shocked when people buy CDs. They gave us Avenue J pizza shops and shawarma places. Thanks to Brooklyn, you can have an Israeli experience, and never have to go to Israel. There's Thirteenth Avenue, just one of the many streets we claimed as Jewish. 
I would've mentioned The Lower East Side, but I forgot about it. Like all Jews, I forgot about it. Until I need pickles, The Lower East Side is not in my memory.
Even Kiryas Joel, is thanks to America. Kiryas Joel would never exist in Israel. There is no way that many Satmar Chasidim would make Aliyah on purpose.

Florida
Before Florida, Jews thought they were supposed to move to Israel to connect with their people.

The Mountains
Where do you go to see Brooklyn during the summer? The Mountains. The Catskills, again all thanks to America.
The great hotels and the bungalows. The Mountains is the Jewish American summer experience. It would be Florida, but Jews like to shvitz inside. In the shvitz. Shvitzing outside is for athletes.
​Thanks to American independence, the only colony Jews know is a bungalow.

Freedom of Speech
America allows you to say whatever you want, until people disagree with you and take away your job. Or, until there's an anti-Semite. Other than being attacked for talking, America allows you to say what you want.
We can even complain. The backbone of Jewish community is found in our freedom of speech. If complaining didn't exist, we wouldn't have shul or a board. If we didn't have freedom to complain, what would we say about the rabbi?

Politics
You can hate your government and live there.
It gives us a reason for freedom of speech, other than the rabbi. It's such a gift that our country has given us a reason to hate other people. And then to be able to talk about it. Nothing is better. And then, to be able to say 'I'm offended.' It's all such a joy.

Entertainment
Hollywood with British accents wouldn't work.
The only movies I don't have to watch with subtitles is thanks to America. When a British person talks, I need subtitles. I can't understand a word they're saying. They might as well be speaking Yiddish.
I still haven't watched Shtisel, because the Israelis don't have an American accent.
And Sports. Is there anything better than American sports, allowing our Jewish children to get involved and own something?!

Country Clubs
Americans have banned Jews from so many places. The country club that bans Jews is such a joy. There's no better place for a Jew to go to enjoy themselves.

Summer Camps
No other country offers parents a way to get rid of their children for two months, other than the army. The summer camp experience has brought so much happiness to Jewish parents. We have America to thank for that.
Not having kids around is the independence we're truly celebrating on July 4th. 

Kosher Food
You can travel in America and find Kosher food. It's easier to tell what's kosher, when it's written on the package.
Ever tried traveling in England? You have to guess if it's kosher. You see a product in Britain and you take a stab at it. You don't make a blessing. You open the package, you take a bite and pray that God doesn't kill you. In America you don't have to guess if you're going to Gehenim.
Now they have a British app to tell you what's Kosher, if you can find anything on there. You go to England and hang out at the entrance to the grocery, where they have reception, and try to do a search for kosher products. Then you go down the aisles and forget if it's kosher. And then you go to hell because of the app.

Pizza
We wouldn't have pizza. That comes from New York.

Monster Truck Rallies
In American, it's clear to the Jewish people where they shouldn't be. You don't go to monster truck rallies, rodeos or WWE. 

America is not Britain. America gave us that.
Happy July 4th and Canada Day. Just be happy we're Jews and we're not in Europe.

Announcements
Many congregants are trying to figure out what's right. What's right is for you not to talk. If you get a look with a head nod from side to side, that means stop talking. You're probably doing it without knowing. If there's no concert and swaying, shaking of a head is disappointment.
When the rabbi looks at you, he's disappointed. To quote the Rabbi, 'If I'm looking at you and smiling, it's because I'm laughing at how bad I have it. I had no idea I was signing up for this.'

No dropping off anything at shul anymore. The food pantry doesn’t appreciate your cans. The poor people said they don’t want the carrots and green beans. They hate the mix, like you do. To quote, ‘If you want to bring anything to the food pantry, it has to be good. We aren’t taking your trash. We eat green beans alone too. We're people. And we are offended by your children’s art, that you had to throw out of your home. It doesn't belong in the food pantry. It's not edible. Even the macaroni necklace is impossible to eat. We tried. We understand you want it out of the house. Nobody can pawn that non-talent. The food pantry is not a trash can.’

Charities are being chosen by the rabbi. Let us know which ones you want. To be clear, the Feldstein wedding isn't considered a charity, just because they want to save money on the cost of food. You still have to give a gift.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My herd...
(Bamidbar 13:2) H' tells Moshe to send men 'for you' to scout out Israel. These are the spies we learn about... I don't think they would've chosen tribal leaders from this congregation... The youth group leader is good. She does a great job with the Modeh Ani prayer...
It was for them... For Moshe. I don't know. It says 'for you'... Yes. H' told them to go. They wanted to do it. Like the time you wanted to go to the amusement park and Shmuel ended up intermarrying... I wasn't for the intermarriage. I said we should learn Torah. I always tell you that we should learn Torah. Every event. But you complain... We have classes... You wouldn't know, because you don't show up... I said yes to not have to listen to you...
You guys love complaining about the rabbi. I let you check for a new one... You don't remember the two months I was left without a job?!... I didn't say 'don't pay me.' I just said, 'Do you what you want already. This is getting annoying.'
 
When I tell you to do something, don’t do it. It just means you’re annoying… I am sick of hearing you complain... Yes. I sent you to pick up new tablecloths. But not those... I know I said that whatever you pick out will be good. That's not the point. You have to do what's right. Light blue is not the right color for tablecloths... It looks off, and stains... At least white looks good before it stains... Even if I tell you to do make decisions, you shouldn't make decisions.
General rule. Never talk. If I tell you to talk, know it's a bad idea to share your ideas...
You've messed up the board... Because the board makes decisions. Do you see the problem?... You should just be signing that we're a non-profit... I have to make it look like you're important. So you'll join the board...
Judge by the look I give... Exactly. It's usually a look of disappointment. Now, finally a congregant who understands...
You're supposed to talk. Not in shul...
The problem is that you can't figure out anything... From now on, we're going to be as specific as possible... Exactly. I said it. You're annoying. I think that's specific...
I said give charity, and all the sudden, you're giving to the Kids for Acting Foundation, supporting kids who want to be huge actors out in Hollywood... That's not a charity. That's an ego booster for the young and the wealthy...
We said the food cupboard for charity... You're supposed to bring stuff for charity. I didn't know that charity to you means your trash... I saw your donations. Tomato paste??? How much tomato paste can somebody eat? There's no food. Just tomato paste... Going to spread the tomato paste on a can?! You should've thought to purchase pasta. Then you wouldn't have to donate tomato paste... Pasta and cheese with tomato paste is amazing... The problem is that you didn't give the pasta or the cheese. You gave it 'for you.'

Rashi says, 'Why is the Parsha dealing with the spies connected with the section dealing with Miriam? Because she was punished over stuff dealing with speech, for speaking against her brother, and these wicked people (the spies) witnessed, but did not learn the moral lesson from it.' You guys never learn. That's the problem... You haven't learned from the disgusting art work of your children's paper mache...
You learn from nothing I say. You space out… You don’t learn. I tell you to learn... That's why I stopped saying to do stuff. It's come to the point of working reverse psychology with everything I say... The kids don't learn. Even on the slide, your kids… She burned herself. Then he did the same thing… It’s a metal slide. We have a heatwave. And that’s the punishment…
When you don't learn from the past, from what you saw, you are to blame... They should've trusted H'... How many times do I have to tell you to trust H'?...

The problem is they talked... Did H' tell them to talk? No. Just look... Simmy and Frank are talking in the back of the shul again...
You guys talk. Always bad.
Messed up shul art, because you don't listen right... The still lifes... It's a shul Bernie. How about a still life of a Torah. How about we call the Torah covers art... We don't need a fountain...
You exaggerate everything I say. If you're scared of big fruit clusters... So, they're not bite size. You get a little juice on you. You stain your shirt... No. You don't clean a white shirt you stained on Shabbis...
 
Charities you can give to are the shul's building fund. The shul's extension project. The shul's teenage growth foundation. The shul's youth group for shul kids. The shul's new Sefer Torah project. She shul's dinner program. The shul's discretionary fund. The rabbi... You still owe me for two months... The shul amusement park trip... I didn't say to do it. But if you're doing it anyways... Shul dues. If you don't pay them, they're a charity...
You do stuff that is right... How do you know? You don't talk. And that is why none of you live in Israel... Lashon Hara is keeping you out... 

Support the shul summer day camp run by twelve year olds… No idea who’s watching over them…
Calev was right. Don't be scared of big fruit. And believe. Believe that you can do it. And stop asking me questions...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi looked at everybody. People felt like they did something wrong, when they shook his hand.

So, the rabbi made an excellent point about tomato paste. That should've been in the announcement.

The main lesson of 'don't share your thoughts' didn't really catch on, as the congregants kept asking questions, and complaining, throughout the sermon. They should've learned from the tablecloths. Bad idea. The other lesson of people being very annoying was taken in by everybody. The whole congregation shook their head, looked around and said, 'All of these people are annoying.' I don't believe they were thinking about themselves. I think they come to shul because everybody else is annoying. The other people are annoying.
The rabbi realized that their going to do whatever they want anyways. The rabbi chose the Gabai, because the shul wanted it. He hates the Gabai.
Come to think of it. Every answer the rabbi has given me was to shut me up.

The problem is that the people never learn. We still see cans of tomato paste.
The fact that people can't get basic stuff the rabbi tells them, and everytime they make a decision it's messed up, that's why we have the Gemara. Thousands of pages and hundreds of thousands of pages of commentary. Because people like Bernie don’t listen. And then you have Cindy on the board.
 
When the rabbi noticed that nobody was giving money to the shul, he said they can give to these charities. The Golf Association. The Groomers Alliance. Shoppers Club Card. Rock Events Federation, which supports people who don't have enough money for tickets that are not in the balconies.
The rabbi thought that because he called it charity they wouldn't give, and they would give to regular charities, for people who are in need. Instead, they bought tickets to events and concerts and skipped shul.
Rabbi has chosen some new charities, which he hopes benefits our shul. Kids for Better Candy. He chose that because the kids were mad when there was no sugar powder candy at youth groups. Bingo being its own charity was supported by everybody. They gave money to Bingo, as its own fundraiser for itself.

We just have to stop offending poor people. The summer garage sales are a spit in the face. Down the block, they even put the stuff out in trash bags, to show you that it's trash to them. You feel like a second class citizen buying the stuff. One family was selling a wicker chair.

The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk.

Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.'

A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.'
​They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma.
The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.'

Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. 
More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.'

The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah.

And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.'
Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. 
Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel.

And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss.

I have never celebrated so many people accomplishing nothing. Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate. And I have to say 'Mazel Tov.' Here are three graduations I just witnessed, that made no sense.
 
Nursery School Graduation
A graduation celebrated with little kids singing and screaming the 'Hatikva' at the same time. Parents sit and watch this spectacle of their tone-deaf child, while trying to figure out if they will also not be smart when they grow up too.
Cute to everybody else, this pathetic display hits its climax when your child, Sara, ends up giving up on her own graduation and sitting on your lap. At which point, you have to carry Sara back to her seat and put the paper circle hat back on her head. Part of this festivity is you having to muster up the Nachis for your graduating child while sitting up there with Sara and the other four-year-olds, singing 'The Ants Go Marching One By One.'
Don’t acknowledge the other parents who think their kids are smart, because they were able to find their seats with their pictures on it.
 
Nursery School non-Graduation
This is to celebrate your narcissistic three-year-old who isn't graduating and doesn’t have the ability to share in other kids’ happiness. Between us, their face was not on the seat. They just took it. The other kids finished nursery school and deserve a celebration, as they are now ready to take on life with their ability to share LEGOs. LEGOs that are 280 times the size of a normal LEGO.
The LEGOs were brought up at the inspirational Nursery Commencement Speech. That's how I know about the LEGO and their importance in a child's development of climbing stuff.
We add your three-year-old into the graduation party by cutting out a paper and making a circle out of it, and then stapling it. The cut paper circle hat demarks all celebrations for children, until they reach fourth grade. At which point they show up to everything in shorts.
 
Kindergarten Graduation
Celebrate this kid finishing kindergarten by handing them a diploma they can’t read. This time the official diploma has a little Hebrew on it, that you also can’t read.
I don’t know if you can consider a graduation official, if the graduate can’t read their own diploma. Nonetheless, there's nachis to be had, as your child Aced naptime. Again, this graduation is celebrated with singing and screaming the 'Hatikva,' and a stapled paper circle strip.
 
To the little ones, enjoy it. Nobody will care about you after third grade.
To you, my friend, just say 'Mazel Tov' to these people. The parents need to hear it. For support. And take pictures. It's cute to see the kids thinking they did something, thinking it's normal to put a paper circle on your head. Until you're eight, it's normal. 
What's not normal is the guy with the guitar. It's creepy. We're still asking why the guy with the guitar is there, wearing shorts. He might be preparing for summer camp. We have no idea how he became part of the graduation.

Whatever you're celebrating, make it a real Simcha by cutting a paper and making a circle out of it, stapling it and putting it on your head.
Next time, we shall discuss every other graduation, guised as a celebration, recital or fair.

Announcements
If you want to blame anybody, it's the Gabai's fault.

The shul fundraising dinner will be $80 for singles. $90 for couples. $98 for families with five children. If you have more than five children, the fundraising dinner is free for the family. We've tried to keep single people and divorcees away from the community, but we have decided that we will allow them to remain if they pay a lot.
If anybody has an idea for a name for the shul fundraiser, other than 'shul fundraiser,' please write the office. We just ask that 'shul fundraiser' is part of the name, as nobody will give money if they're not directed to explicitly. We were thinking of calling it the 'give money to shul shul fundraiser.'

New Rule: You have to say high to people. You're not allowed to pretend like you don't notice people in shul anymore. No looking away. Our congregation is too small for people to think they're important.

From now on, only classy events. All shul Simchas must start in a room where you're not going to eat. It has been decided that telling people to move to another room is classy.
  
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Flock...

(Bamidbar 8:2) The Menorah was built from one solid piece of gold, hammered out (Ramban)... Can we get a decent contractor in this place. We've got a guy with chisels, drills, chainsaws... He does nothing. He just breaks stuff... He makes holes... He couldn't hammer a circle. The Menorah was hammered out... It's not clay. You can't mold it with your hands. It's not like the romantic scene in Ghost... Made from one piece. It's not eighty pieces put together...
No reason for Chaim's artwork to be more than one piece. It's not like Chaim's drawing is the Statue of Liberty... He tore it up. That’s why it’s in sixty pieces… Why is it hanging in the shul hall? With a thumbtack?! It's in sixty pieces... It’s not art. It’s a child that had a tantrum… It's not supposed to be in pieces... It does represent the dividedness of our shul, where there is no unity... Because nobody wishes anybody a 'Good Shabbis.' They look at you and wish you an awful Shabbis... The look says it all...
 
(Bamidbar 8:3) He kindled its lamps towards the face of the Menorah. The wicks of the branches on the side faced the middle. Again. Focused on unity. Oneness. Focus... Why do I constantly have to answer these questions? If you focused... Focus on the Torah reading for once... I don't know what you're talking about... I know you're louder than the Bal Koreh. The one reading the Torah ends up facing you... It's a stop talking look...
The Menorah was connected. Pointed to the unified middle... Your head is turned and I am talking. You face the lectern when the rabbi talks... That's the unifying source. The Torah is read... Yes. You listen to it. You face it and listen to it. You don't talk and not say 'Good Shabbis'...
From now on, we need symmetry... I'm not saying Aharon was an artist... He would've done better with paper mache than the Hebrew School kids. That paper mache sculpture thing is so off. Is it a shoe?... Than why is it in the entrance to the shul?... Abstracts don't count. My signature is an abstract... I write my signature poorly. Exactly. That's the point. It's not a piece of art hanging in the shul. The Menorah was beautiful and hammered out. A fine work...​
'As H' commanded'... That's how Aharon lit it. It was a good work... Did H' command you to be single? No. That's bad work on the dating front... Alone. A sculpture all by itself. A poorly done piece that H' didn't command... Get married...
That's why it looks good. God knows art better than Chaim... The Levites followed H's directions. That's why they don't have Jewish artifacts that look like shoe moldings... It’s a door stopper... Yes. Your kids are shameful, and there's a reason they didn't take over for the Bachurs.
It was the way H' showed Moshe, that's how it was made (Bamidbar 8:4). If they followed directions, it might be art... Have you seen the Menorah by the Kotel? Beautiful... They would not put up Simcha's art. Or an abstract that looks like a messed up foot...

The  problem is that people think they're important. There is no room for creativity when you're commanded to do stuff the right way... The wood slab and nut Chanukiah is not cool... Even single people don't use it...

(Bamidbar 8:16) 'For they are given over to Me from among the children of Israel, instead of those that open the womb, the firstborn...' The Levites took the place of the Bachors, the firstborns... They messed up. The Bachors messed up like Chaim… We don’t hang up everything the Bachors do, because they messed up. Why are we hanging up all of this art work?... The same way the Bachors were substituted out, we must substitute out all the messed up artwork in the shul...
We need to find congregants that take the place of the members...

Kids need to listen in Hebrew school before their place in shul is lost. They're going to lose their place if they don't listen... Their art wouldn't be this messed up if they followed directions. If they followed instructions, they wouldn't be making self-portraits that look like... Does this look like Sima?... Yes. This thing in my hand... Well. It says her name on it. This is her self-portrait she drew in art class... I know, it looks like a cat... We will substitute them... A substitute wouldn't help this work...

They are holy to Me. We need people that are holy to this congregation... You've messed up like Bachors... You even get mad when new people join. Like you can't get enough attention... You're worried your spot will be taken, because you don't listen to the Mitzvot... The Mitzvot of decent art. And you don't do your part... The Ner Tamid, continual light, is neon... They didn't use neon in the Temple, Bernie.
 
Real art comes from oneness. Connectedness... Single people aren't connected... Even single people wouldn't make a wood slab and nut Chanukiah. It looks pathetic... The concept of art is off in this shul... You're not cool, because you're a Bachor. Even if single people wouldn't take your place... It's because they're single.
Connectedness through Torah. Torah in the middle. The Levites were connected to God, to the people. They followed directions... How can you be connected if you don't say Hi? If you don't listen to your rabbi... I am standing right here. In the middle....
We need to connect through something. The sisterhood can't even agree on which Danish is the best.
 
Raising the Levites is what we do. If we can raise funds... Raising money for gifts.
Gifts are not a charity. If you would give something to the shul's building fund... We're not hanging Rachel's pinata outside the shul... Whatever the paper mache thing is. It looks like a mold.
Stop giving the shul stuff you don't want. It's not art... The building fund is to keep the building in tact, heat and to keep up the tent over my parking spot...
 
No more gifts. Only donations of money. No artwork. Unless if God commands it... If you don’t want it in your home. We don’t want it. Did God ever say to give Him your trash?... That was gold and silver. Find jewelry...
It's not art. Don’t throw it on the shul. If you got ripped off on a print, keep it... I understand that you were supporting a young artist in Tzfat...

If you just smiled and were kind, that would bring unity and focus... They don't want to be with you. Your Bachorness...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi has went back to referring to us as sheep and cattle. 
It's amazing how our rabbi always finds a way to ask for money. That's what makes him great. That and his ability to make everything holy. Only our rabbi can bring Patrick Swayze into a sermon.
In the end, people gave nothing. They said that if they can't drop off their kids' artwork, it's not worth it. For the building fund, the shul hosted a garage sale for all the trash the members dropped at the door. The rabbi couldn't stop people from dropping off their kids' memories, and they were scared their children would see it in the garbage.
​
The Bachor and Levi point was beautiful. The rabbi's member exchange for people that don't come to shul. was passed by the board. The idea of members paying and other people coming instead of them is appreciated by all. The board members stopped showing up all together. 
 
The shul art is off. The rabbi didn't mention the ark cover this time. There is so much wrong with the pieces up in our shul. We have to stop taking donations. Until they understand that donations can only be money, no more donations. The paper mache was a donation from a parent trying to get their kid's art out of the house. It's embarrassing. Chaim's mom didn't want the family name on the piece, but her son felt so good seeing it in shul. Now the name is on the piece and the family is embarrassed. Rightfully.
They tried getting rid of the artwork, but nobody wanted it.
I think the problem started when we opened the shul food pantry. People thought they could start dropping off anything they don't want. I had no idea people were so against sardines. Why they buy them is still a question. Many poor people are not happy receiving the artwork of third and fourth graders.
 
What’s on the pieces at the shul? Nothing Jewish. A picture from Italy. No Jerusalem stuff. Most of the art is a child's profile. I think they make them draw that in school, and the parents don't want to hang it in the home. Very untalented children. I can't imagine that the teacher told every child to draw abstracts.

We had a class on the different looks. The head nod from side to side is disappointment. That's the only head nod the rabbi gives. I don't know how the class was confusing. You never shake from side to side with a smile. It's always with closed lips of rage.
The rabbi had to explain that the down and up head nod is a greeting. Yet, the up and then down can be disappointment.

Single people have to pay a lot more for everything. We try to keep them out, but they pay. Now, that they pay, we give them awkward looks and try to not sit with them. The problem is that the shul dinner organizers sit them at tables.
The addendum to the you have to say hi to people rule, is that you don't have to say anything to them, if they're single or divorced. Giving them head nods from side to side is encouraged.

The people in our congregation don't greet each other. I feel like its turned into a Minyin they're trying to keep people out of. They're trying to keep the numbers under 10.
A conversation of important and cool was had. It was decided at by the board that you can't be important or cool in our congregation, due to the numbers of people who care.

The rabbi blamed it all on the Gabai.

Shalom
Shalom Aleichem

You're Religious?
I said, 'Shalom Aleichem.' 'Shalom,' without 'Aleichem,' is not religious.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

So, you're a Sheitel Macher?
Yes.

Are you wearing a sheitel?
That's offensive.

Why is that offensive?
It's a wig.

Why not just call it a wig ?
Because religious Jews wear sheitels.

If there's no difference, it should be a wig.
​A Wig Macher sounds wrong. I would lose all my religious clientele.

Is there anything I should know about a sheitel?
It's hair to put on hair, for modesty.

Is it modest?
It's uncomfortable. You sweat in these things. Ever worn one in the summer?

That's not good for sales?
Winter sales are through the roof.

Why not another headcovering?
The snood, headwrap, or bandana looks like you're in a gang. Not many Hassidic Orthodox women have a violent crew they hang with.

Why did you go into the wig business?
Have you seen this community? Tons of messed up hair.

Mrs. Feinbloom?
That's a sheitel. I sold it to her.

No. That can't be true.
Mrs. Feinbloom wouldn't wear a sheitel if her hair was normal. She's not religious enough. That's how you can tell she has bad hair.

Isn't that Lashon Hara?
No. It's not speaking bad about her. We can all see how bad her hair is. It frizzes all the time. She goes shopping early in the morning. I see it. Speaking Lashon Hara about Mrs. Feinbloom would be talking about how her kid can't get into a decent college, because their mom doesn't stop yapping. 

Can you make a sheitel from your own hair?
I don't know. Am I rabbi?!

What do you think about the customers?
Annoying. Did you hear that Tirza's daughter had a baby. Tirza's not going to the Bris.

What do you do for the community?
I sell sheitels. I'm the Sheitel Macher.

I thought Machers were the people who talk a lot and have a lot of money.
Yes.

How much do sheitels cost?
Ten-thousand.

Is it a good business?
When I sell one.

How many have you sold this year?
Zero.

Can I try one?
There's a rental fee.

How's business going?
Not well. Nobody here is Frum.

You said that the Frum people are the target clientele you're shooting for.
You see.

Do you see it picking up?
If they stop wearing hats. It's a community with bad hair.

Why don't you sell hats?
I'm a Sheitel Macher. Not a Hat Macher. She wants me to start selling stuff I don't sell. Next thing, she's going to want me to sell shorts. Maybe I should call myself the Sheitel Hat Snood Bandana Shorts Macher?

That up to you. Do you wear sheitels?
Are you crazy. They're uncomfortable as anything. I wear snoods.

Shalom
Brachas.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

Conclusion
The Sheitel Macher is worried about the religious clientele, but there are no religious people. I think that's why she's trying to make money off the rentals.
She was very honest and offensive. She was very judgmental too.  She was a Macher. She can afford to be. She was definitely spunky and pushy. I couldn't walk out of there without buying anything. I bought a snood from her private collection. She wears snoods herself. She hasn't sold a sheitel in a really long time. She should be a Snood Macher.
She tried throwing me off with Tirza and her daughter having a baby. I didn't go for it.

I learned a lot about religion in our community. To be considered religious you have to welcome somebody in many people form, and say blessing in Yiddish form. I also learned that uncomfortable means modest. Which is why polyester is religious to wear. I even learned that you can talk bad about people's hair.
Hassidic women wear headwraps. I've seen it. If she sold headwraps or bandanas made out of polyester, that would be modest. You would sweat in that during the summer.

She's definitely targeting people with bad hair. I'm glad she didn't target me. By the end of the interview, with all the humid weather, the Sheitel Macher’s hair was quite frizzy.

Hosting a Shabbat dinner is not easy, especially when you live in a bigger city and people say 'yes' when you invite them. Single people live in big cities as well, playing the odds that they will somehow end up at a Shabbat meal with their Bashert, intended spouse, right there. Hence, I will focus on feeding single people as well, when thinking about amounts, as they will show up even if you didn't invite them. So, be prepared for them.
You already know there is going to be a lot of people or leftovers. So, cook a lot. With that said, here is some cooking advice.

Cook Something Decent
You have to cook. That's all people will be talking about. Nobody cares about your kid graduating high school. They don't care. They're there for the food. That's what they're focused on. If your child graduated culinary arts college, that would be a discussion.
You don't want somebody tasting your Kugel and saying, 'Wow. This is really good. How did you make it?' And then you have to answer them with, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask Manischewitz.'
Using the mixes is fine. Everybody that makes Matzah ball soup and split pea soup, we know where you got it. They all lie. 'Family recipe'??? The family recipe of Manischewitz. The point is that you've got to put a spin on it. Cook the Manischewitz and add garlic. Then you can say, 'A dab of garlic.'

Cook A Lot
More important than what you're serving is how much. A lot is the goal. There is no greater compliment than 'they had a lot of food.' That says it all.
It makes no difference how many people are coming. The more you have on that table the more religious you are. That's the equation which determines the good religious Frum Jew. Ten pots and four tin trays on the table, you're a righteous family with a place in heaven. One pot and no tins, you're a heretic and nobody is eating off your dishware. Small plate on a bigger plate, you're a heretic. Everything should be served on the bigger plates, with bigger forks. That's the only way you can feed people correctly on Shabbat. Soup spoon? Ladle.
The real goal is leftovers. If you have no leftovers, you've failed your guests. You've also failed your family and God. Your kids will starve, as Frum people don't cook during the week. As a Frum Jew, you cook for Shabbis and leftovers.
Remember to have one decent dish. As long as you have one decent dish, mixed in the fourteen trays and pans, you're good to go. If they see a lot, that's what's important. They gravitate to that one dish and they still see a lot. Win win.

Overcook
That seems to have developed into a religious cooking style. You don't look at the choolante when you let it cook for twenty hours, so don't check the kugel, meat or rice. If it gets real bad, the smoke detector will catch it.
Until choolante, I didn't realize that you can burn something when cooking it on low. As I've learned, the best policy is to use a crockpot. This way, you can overcook the food, and it's still edible and juicy, and burnt.

Make a Salad
If they're not religious, they will enjoy this. Frum Jews stick to cooked brown stuff. Non-religious people like salads. If you're stuck with the non-religious people, you can tell them the Tzimis is a religious salad. You can also tell them the Kugel is a quiche. Heretics love quiche.

Scream At the Kids
When preparing the food, yell at the children. That is the only Shabbat preparation tradition that is practiced by all Jews, no matter their denomination.
Make sure they clean the floors. Scream at them for that, even if they're scrubbing well. Yell at them for not showering at the right time. And scream at them when making the soup. It helps with the cooking process.

Use Tin
Tin pans. Use them for everything. As a religious community we've gotten to the point of not using other dishware. We even have a tin pan holder contraption, to make a tin pan as classy as it can get. You drop that tin pan into metal wire. Class. This way you look like a mensch for the guests.
From the oven to the table. That's how you serve. They'll notice that you're serving out of a tin pan, and they will respect your commitment to tradition. However, add the metal wire holder, and you're a classy person that cares about their ancestors.

No Potluck
Singles do that. It looks pathetic and it is not fun being a guest. you don't invite guests to bring the food to the meal you invited them to. You might as well ask them to eat at their place. It's pathetic. You might as well tell them you that you trust their standard of Kashrut, and you're not religious.
If a guest brings something, like a cake they baked, and you want to show you're Frum, take their cake and trash it. Truth is, they probably brought the cake to test you. To see if you are religious or not. They will respect you for throwing their cake out.

When all is said and done, it's time to put the tin pans in the fridge. Now, the kids have food for the week. If we haven't learned anything, food should never leave the tins. They should only be covered in tinfoil. 
And remember to scream at the kids while cooking. It's very important to yell at the children to fulfil the tradition.

What to cook? We'll deal with that next time. For now. Just know that it has to be a lot. A lot and in tins. And a salad, just in case a heretic shows up. Baby steps in your religious growth.
Next time we shall discuss different Shabbat food groups and take out.

Announcements
There's leftover cheesecake from Shavuot. You can take some home, as everyone over-purchased. Cheesecake is very expensive. You can take it and feel like you did the right thing. We're trying to bring holiday happiness, and nothing brings more Simcha to our members than a deal. Next year, we suggest to not purchase more than eight cakes for a family of three.

Softball team tryouts will be on Sunday. You have to make it to the list to sign up. If you do that, you're on the team. If you can't walk to the field, you can't be on the team. We need people that can walk this year.

If there is rain, you should still come to shul. Davening does not get rained out. There are no rain delays for Mincha.

Many men are angry they've been getting Galilah, and not Hagba. There is a reason why you're rolling the Torah and not lifting it. The role of lifting the Torah takes strength. To quote the Gabai, 'Work out. You're scrawny.'
  
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Drove...
Levites are important too... I know they sit in the back and talk.
They counted the Leviim... They did work back then, for the Temple... That is correct. They served the community. The Levites in our shul don't help. They haven't helped for years. They didn't even slice the cheesecake for the Shavuot Kiddish...

No reason to give any tithes to them... Sam. You haven't done one Levite duty. Opening a juice factory is not a Levite duty. It's a business... You want the business and the tithe... Showing up to shul and helping roll the Torah. That’s a duty... Have you ever rolled a Torah to the right Parsha... You can't even find Bereishit...
They're weak... Most of the congregation is out of shape.
That's why we also lose the softball league every year. It's for out of shape people and we lose. We're more out of shape than out of shape people... Leviim can't even walk up for an Aliyah. They can't make it around the bases... Would they have been able to take apart the curtains of the Tabernacle and hauled them through the desert??? Sam. Stop. You hire farmers to help... Well your last name is Levi. And you get mad at the Gabai for not calling you up ot the Torah. Chutzpah...
He can't call you up for Hagba. You're too out of shape... Maybe two columns. It’s pathetic...
The Levites have families. Gershon, Kehat and Merari. I don't think one full family has shown up to shul in... Sam. You're not part of any of them... Make up your mind... It's not about benefits... Lineage back to Levi is good enough...
 
All impure people are sent out of the camp... It's not a summer camp. They didn't have tennis and boating... The kids are disgusting. Dirty as anything. And then... It was a desert!!!
They had arts and crafts. They had shop. They built the Tabernacle... That was the activity.
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) 'And H' spoke... Command the children of Israel and send from the camp all those who have Tzaraas... contaminated by a human corpse... expel them, so they should not contaminate their camps that I live within...' We would never get a Minyin. This whole congregation is impure.
You can't roll the Torah if you have Tzaraas... It's dirt. Might be Tzaraas. The kids at camp are just filthy. They have rest time. They have letter time. No shower time... If they do, they have to enforce it...
We need the bad athletes off the softball team... Even if they're counted onto the team. Expel them to the stands... We don't need the 'spirit, yes we do'... This impurity is killing our shul's reputation...
Impure people can’t join the community. Weak people can’t lift the Torah or join the softball team. Levites in our shul can’t do anything… No ability… Look at the Parsha. You had tasks… Now that we know Sam isn't a Levite…
 
Thought services were rained out??? The rain excuse again?! Weakness is what that is. If you can't show up to Minyin because of rain... Then clean your hair before putting on Tefillin... Rain deosn't contaminate. Mikvahs are built with...
No rain delays in shul. Think of it as a domed stadium. The Anshei Emes USefilah Dome, with non-athletic people... 
The softball league also doesn’t have rain delays… It’s not hardball. The most exciting thing in the game is if somebody slips...
You were hoping for rain delays, because you’re lazy and weak… And you’re a very impure congregation… The Chazin davening is enough of a delay. The way he leads services has us staying for an extra half hour. His rendition of the Amidah is a delay...
Sam. You don't work when it's sunny out. I've you heard you call off work due to sun delays...

The Halacha is that you shouldn't run into a shul as shelter from the rain... It's disrespectful, like you talking now. Bernie. That's why it's a law... If there is nowhere else to find shelter. If you can't find a tree... So, you get wet. You came in and for a minute... You left when the rain stopped... If you're coming in to get out of the rain, you have to pretend like you came to shul, and join the Minyin... Tons of members don't have decent air-conditioning. That's why we get a Minyin when it's very hot... It's Halachikaly wrong if you don't stay for Minyin... But the new central air is amazing. Trust me. Check out Sadie's seat...
Shul doesn’t have rain delays or Levis who work as Levis... It would be nice if people showed up next Shavuot... You stay up all night when it's not Shavuot...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
They slept right through Shavuot learning. The congregants couldn't even stay up for the all night learning till 1am.

Finding out Sam Levi is not a Levite was a bit of a shocker to all of us. That's confusing. The weird thing is that he always leaves the shul for Musaf on holidays. Now we know he doesn't go out to wash the Kohens' hands. He's just taking breaks.
Who's been washing the Kohen's hands all these years?

The rabbi is correct. We're an out of shape shul. Most of the Leviim can't even walk up to get their Aliyah. Now, we don't even know if there are any real Levis in the shul, or people who just sneak out and steal Aliyahs.
The rabbi started a shul gym class. The problem is that most of the members are contaminated and they were all sent out of the class.

Rained out??? That's how you know people are weak. If you can't walk in the rain. I think some of the members are embarrassed. They think their reputation in town will get hurt if they're seen walking in the rain.
The board mentioned that people walking in the rain look homeless. Which is how we came up with surrogate members. This way other people show in your stead and nobody is embarrassed. The problem is that we needed Jews.

A lot of congregants do take advantage of the shul. Some have tried to shower in the sinks. When we had a drought, they were all in shul. They think of the shul more like a foodbank. The whole prayer and learning thing hasn’t caught on in our community yet. Maybe in another fifteen or so years. The rabbi is trying. He even told everybody to learn the thirteenth chapter in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. It’s less than a page. I don’t even think our membership can translate the name of the book.

The Gabai blamed for everything. All I we ever here at Kiddish is the men talking about 'why Galila?' I even told some of them, 'You haven't hit the gym. You're scrawny as anything.' I told them they should join our crossfit class. The men are so lazy and weak. They can't them Hagba. 
The rabbi instituted the Chabad style Hagba recently, where you do the rolling on the table, due to lack of strength.
Why the Gabai used the word ‘scrawny’ was a bit much. He sounded like a bully from the ‘70s. At the time it was a bit much, but once I used it, I thought it fit Tzivi's body type.
 
We haven't been getting a lot of people at shul recently. Some still use COVID as an excuse.
Tons of people showed for Yizkur. The memorial stuff draws a lot of people. The rabbi wants to start having more Yizkur services. He mentioned having one every Shabbat, so we can be sure to get a Minyin.
A lot of people showed. I haven't seen some of them in a really long time. I thought they were dead. It's good I didn't call Fran's kids to extend my condolences. There were around 80 wheelchairs. To draw more people the board is trying to figure out if we should get rid of seats, for the wheelchair space. The buses in town do it.
Yizkur appeal cards were handed out. The rabbi gave a big speech. He really performs when it comes to dead people. He knows how to get people to flip over the $1,800 donation. The pre-Yizkur appeal speech had them with the idea of getting their relatives out of hell for $1,800. I think the fundraising committee is going to start using that around Yahrzeit times too. We just have to let the congregants know that it's not a one-time fee. Hel can sneak up at anytime there's Yizkur or a Yahrzeit. 
 
It's good we don't do the census stuff anymore. It would be pathetic to count three heads.
 
I like when the announcements have suggestions, like not to over-purchase cheesecake. It goes bad. Babkas can last years. Cheesecakes will go bad, even in the fridge. You can freeze them, but then you have to wait a week to eat it.
Next week, they should make a suggestion for people to wear raincoats when it's raining. They should also put in a note of no umbrellas. The people using umbrellas look so not religious, sinning on Shabbat.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim, Shavuot and any other holidays in between, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he cheats the falafel system by loading up the salads.

I've put together huge Shabbat dinners, and then thought, 'It might be nice to have guests, if I wanted to share my food.' Personally, I love leftovers, so guests don't really matter. The crockpot chicken is for Shabbat, Sunday and Tuesday. Other people enjoy company more than food. I'm too religious for that. I'm focused on the Tzimis. For those who want to share, be sure you invite people correctly. 

Invite People and Get Confirmation
For those fancy people who like to host, and cook for immediate dinners only, be sure to invite before you portion the meal. If you know there's only five people at dinner, you don't need the industrial size potato kugel.
Whatever amount confirm, double those numbers if you invite single people. Somehow, their friends will find out there's free food, and that means your home for dinner.
If you text them, make sure they know to respond. It's always very awkward to welcome Shlomo and Rivkah at the door with an 'I didn't know you were coming.' The only thing worse than that is preemptively not inviting them with a text saying 'please don't come to the dinner, just in case you heard about it. It's only for close friends.'
Don't use email to invite people. It's too formal. They will think it was a 'save the date' and they won't show. A letter is not necessary, unless if you are inviting people for Shabbat dinner three months down the road. If that's the case, you should also have place cards.
Though the in-person invite after Friday night services is always very personal, it doesn't help those who make precise portions. Nonetheless, there is no better way to let your guest know that you weren't thinking of them.

Choose Guests Wisely
Depending on what type of dinner you're going for, you want to make sure you have the right guests. There are different methods for choosing:
You have the friendly method, where you invite people with a smile that you don't enjoy talking to. You act friendly, and try real hard for two hours, so your spouse can say they are decent members of the shul, who care.
You have the friend method, where you only invite your friends, and then you talk about the people you are friendly to.
There's the Chesed method, where you invite lonely people, like singles, who have no hope. That can be written off as part of your tithe, for charity.
The entertaining invite, where you make sure to invite a professional entertainer for the kids. They come and run some games of Simon Says. The kids are happy, and you saved a lot of money on entertainment. By the time she leaves, she hasn't had time to touch her plate, and because of your kind invite, you saved three-hundred dollars. For the grownups, you may want to invite a singer as well. Many people love opera. You ask them to sing at the dinner, they have to, and now you don't have to go see Les Miserables. 
You have the family method, where you invite family and definitely don't get a dinner gift. For those dinners, you have to buy the wine. 
The other family method, where you invite them because they are family and you have to.
There's the out of town method, where people from out of town join you for dinner and take over the kids' room for sleep. There's no reason to cut the meal short with these people. They're going to be around no matter what. For some reason, of Jewish communal connectedness, they didn't want to rent rooms at the hotel, or pay for dinner. They are good Jews who believe in Hachnasat Orchim, and they're helping you get the Mitzvah of hosting.
The guests you will get something in return for method, where you invite people that will bring the dinner or an amazing dish. Your dinner turns into their dinner. These are usually people who don't get invited out often, and they are not used to trusting other people with decent food. They might even bring a picnic basket, just in case you don't have a table for them to eat at. If they ever get used to being invited out for dinner, stop inviting them. If they ever stop flipping the bill at the restaurant, don't go out with them anymore.
The religious invite, where you invite people more religious than you that won't eat your food. They come as a statement that you're not as religious as them. You don't have to worry about cooking decent for them, as they will make it a point to not eat your food. Enjoy the leftovers.
The new method is the Kiruv method, where you invite people who are less religious than you and feed them gefilte fish, choolante and kugel, in hopes that they will become closer to God. Those meals take the most energy, as you have to pretend that you're happy about being Jewish the whole time.
The singles invite, where you invite singles in hopes that they will get married and start paying dues. Expect nothing in return from the singles. Single people will give you nothing. If you're lucky, they'll bring a bottle of Manischewitz. They won't invite you either.
The new person invite. This works when you're new, or when new people join the community. When you're new to the community, you realize that nobody is happy about your decision, so you invite the locals to your place; the locals whose moving truck already showed, that have the necessary cookware to invite people. When you have a new member in your community, you invite them so that they can see what it would be like if another member of the community ever invited them again.
The work invite, where you invite coworkers in hopes that you'll get a raise. This can also be used to offset how annoyed they are that you took off for every Chag. This will hopefully save you some Sundays.
Political dinner, where you invite people who have really strong political opinions, to see how angry they make the other people who have really strong political opinions. You do this when the entertainer is out of town for Shabbat.
You can always just be a decent person with an open home. It takes a while for your open home reputation to get out there. But once your reputation gets out there, the felons will show, and you will have Shabbat guests.

Whatever method you choose, understand that they are all judging you. They will judge how good your food is. If the choolante is off, word will get out that you're not religious. Some may even judge your presentation. Those are the non-religious ones who may even be happy being served plated, as they've been rationed food their whole lives. They eat in portions and believe in eating healthy. They've never been to a Tisch, where you have to fight for your kishka.
Whoever you invite, they will be annoying. Enjoy it. It's Shabbat.

Next time, we will focus on table seating at your Simchas, for how to anger your guests.

​Announcements
The shul dairy dinner will take place via Zoom, after Shavuot. From now on, all shul holiday events will be celebrated after the holidays, on Zoom. The rabbi doesn't expect to see anybody in shul for the Shavuot, because they haven't found a way to make the shul a Zoom physical structure.

Shavuot all night learning will take place till 1am.  

We understand the learning announcement is not important. Even so, we want to let you know what the rabbi is doing.

The Kosher Convention will take place in July, when the kids are in camp. This way, everybody will be able to enjoy themselves.
What will be at the Kosher convention? Many people have been asking that question. To answer you all, there will be kosher food.
 
The Max rule: Hearts of palm must be in every salad from now on. They brought him so much Simcha last week. To quote Max, 'My grandchildren never brought me this much joy.'
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom vShavuot Sameach...
Yes. You stay up the first night... Stop crying. Be a man... We're making up for the weak ones falling asleep before getting the Torah... And are they awake when they do get sleep? Everybody falls asleep during Torah reading... You slept twelve hours last night. The Bal Koreh starts reading the Torah and you're out like that...
We start with a census... Because we care, Bernie. We don't want the kids getting lost, like at the shul baseball game outing, when we saw kids walking in the outfield... They were lost... There was no census....
Then we had the Seabreeze Amusement Park fiasco... Not very amusing for the parents who couldn't find their kids... Their kids didn't even know their names... They were called on the loudspeaker all day. Couldn't find them... They were on the Pirate Ship Afloat. Didn't even know the name of the ride. Or their names... Very bad with names. Names help with the census... You need leaders of families and they have names... Mister is fine...

(Bamidbar 1:4) When taking the census, 'with you there shall be a man from each tribe. A man that is a leader of his father's house...' There's not one leader here. Can't even get the right number of forks... You counted the Kiddish numbers wrong last week. People had to eat with their hands. We need men to help... I have to do this myself... I can't knock on doors for Minyin. I'll get shot...
When you start, you want to make sure everybody is there...
When you start, you want to make sure everybody is there... We would never start. Nobody shows. No men. They think every shul event is Minyin...
We were looking for Gavriela for hours. She wasn’t there… She was at her friends house. She had a sleep over the night before... She didn't show up. We were looking for hours for something that wasn't even there. Not like Chametz at the Simchovitz home on Pesach... It's good if parents know where their kids are. That's why you need to know who was counted... Otherwise, we spend the whole day looking for them. Irresponsible parenting... If there was responsible parenting we wouldn't need a census. We would also have people coming to services...
Reuven had 46,500. Shimon had 59,300... Took a census. Twelve here today… If the Torah was given to twelve people...
 
Shavuot is here. Who’s going to count the grain?... Nobody takes a step up again. No leaders... 
 
Tifkod Otam. Count them... We don't count people. It's a bad omen... I don't know how we count... We do math... They counted in the desert. There were people to count. They showed up to Minyin... It's about people being together. A nation.
Not the snobby people. They don’t count. You try to include them and they give attitude. I stay away from them at Kiddish too...

Yom Yerushalaim was a great show. People came out... Next show, kids can’t be on stage the whole time. Watch your kids… There are kids up here now… Count them Tifkod Otam. That means to not let them bother other people...
 
You can't take a census on Zoom... That could be one person, three people. The person might not even be there...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Not knowing about Gavriela was bad parenting. She's eight years old. It's the congregation counted.

The rabbi got a lot of backlash for using the word 'man.' Many people said he should've told the men to be a woman. He was just happy that there were only twelve people complaining. The rabbi said he will still quote the Torah in his sermons, as long as not too many people are in shul on Shabbat. If a big crowd comes, he's staying away from Torah, so that nobody is offended.  
Half the members were sleeping during Torah reading today. The rabbi is right. They have to stop crying when they sleep.
 
There's a big snobby group at shul. They don’t look at you. They pretend like they're too good for the people. If there was a census, I would skip them. Let them start their own census of their three cool people. 
They should count the kids though. There is a reason for the buddy system.
 
A show at shul is really just watching kids that aren’t parented.
 
They’ve been putting hearts of palm in the salads. Now, you have to be one of the first five to the Kiddish table to get it. Max didn’t get any for a few months, until the chef started making him a bowl on the side. The chef felt bad knowing it was Max’s rule, and that he was too slow at 94 to make it to the table for the hearts.

1am is all night by us.

Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot.
 
Bring Your Children
They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. 
If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.
Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.​

Learn in Chavrusa Form
Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand.
Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury.
There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye.
Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out.

Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult
As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze.
The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them.
 
Board Games
Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria.
I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning.
Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat.
You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer.
 
Have a Friend Smack You
If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker.
It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.
Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah.

Wrestling
This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions.
Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. 
If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it.

If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. 
If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain.

Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night