Announcements
The Tu BAv single people event is happening for all the divorcees. Old single people who have never been married cannot come to these events either. Or any shul events. We want to be clear. You also scare divorcees.

The wall will be renovated for security. It will be a secure structure. This will keep out terrorists. The wall we have now does not keep out terrorists and it is always falling down. We will call it "The Terrorist Wall."
 
We want to commend Camp Rachok MeiHorim for not letting the kids write letters to their parents for first two weeks. It’s good Chinuch. Kids learn that their parents don’t want to hear from them.
 
A Kosher slushy stand is opening. That’s the best we’re going to get. It’s a place to go to and sit outside when 7-Eleven is too packed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Build a Wall Correctly to Keep Out Singles. What To Do When Your Kids Try to Contact You and the Mitzvah of Honoring Your Parents Not Your Kids. Where to Move to When 7-Eleven is Your Best Kosher Restaurant. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts 
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
H’ made a Brit with you at Sinai... No. It wasn’t a communal Brit Milah. I’m dealing with idiots. A covenant... A Bris is a covenant and a Brit Milah. This is too complicated having to explain Ashkenazi vs Hebrew pronunciations... If you would know some Hebrew the sermons would be much quicker.
After hearing he can’t go into Israel, Moshe tells the people it’s their fault, and then tells them they better practice the Mitzvot... Yes. It's your fault. How we end up with a Kosher slushy stand is your fault. That was not in Gd's covenant when He gave us choolante... Brain freezes are a curse. Not a covenant. Though they happen all the time, there's no Slurpee covenant that you shall drink it and feel like you are dying every time.
(Devarim 5:1) Moshe says to them, “Hear Israel the decrees and the ordinances that I speak into your ears today.” Moshe doesn’t say to talk Bernie... Listen. Listen to your rabbi’s sermons. I am giving over H’s word and you don’t even hear it... Because you talk. There was never a commandment to talk. Because you say stupid stuff.
This is why H' has to talk right into the ear. Because you guys don't hear anything unless I scream it in your ear...
“And teach your children.” Or they end up like the kids in our shul who are athletes... Apikorsim. Same thing.

No commandment to talk. There are Mitzvahs to listen to H’. To believe in H’. The only time they talk is when they are like “Moshe. Do it for us. Go up there and get the commandments for us. You do the work.”
When you guys talk, you mess things up. Like your kids... At least teach your kids correctly... OK. First listen and then teach. The problem is you don’t listen. Then your kids end playing softball like a bunch of fools, kicking the ball... I know that's kickball. But you guys are coaching them and they think they're playing a different game, because you don't listen.
When you don’t hear Gd’s commandments, and you’re in the back talking about how your new air-conditioner just kicked on, you end up messing everything up for your religion...

You don't listen. You end coming up with messed up Shidduchim. You share dumb ideas. Then your kids don't get married to these people. You bring them into the shul, and I have to deal with it. It's your fault...
And what about listening to the message of Tu BAv?! Maybe we have to think about older people who never got married. They’re not allowed anywhere. They can't go to parks. They can’t be neighbors. They can't be youth directors.
They can’t even go to singles events. Those things only run up to thirty-five. They're even too old to be single.
How do we help these scary old singles, other than quarantining them from other people. And I get that you want to keep your kids away for safety...
Divorcees have done something. These old single people have never done anything. They are useless. And they can't educate kids or they'll get locked up...
You educate to your kids go out with ugly people. Look at the back left. All married in... Exactly.
Listen to what the single people are saying. They want to do something. They want to be married. They don't want to marry into your family. And I get that. I see you guys every week...
The decree is to get married. But if you don't meet anybody. If you can't go to events... That's how you end up here.

When you don't listen and hear, you end up believing false gods. Like a security wall that doesn’t work... You didn’t even think Trump’s wall was a good idea...
A wall for security? We’ve had a wall forever... So, we’re going to have Scarface now popping in the back of our shul. Shooting everybody up from behind the non-bulletproof wall?!
And what makes the wall bulletproof? Concrete? The walls we have are made of concrete. Why not just listen to the people who used to make walls?!... That's what happens when you don't listen and you teach kids wrong. Drywall. 
Maybe get a wall that doesn't fall down. That's all. plaster it right... I believe in security. Not stupidity. Not congregants who don't listen... How about a wall that keeps out congregants?!
How does a wall keep out terrorists? It didn't keep out any of our congregants... Immigrants can get through the wall.
Ein LDavar Sof. There is no end to safety when you don't listen to Gd... Every single one of the renovation ideas is messed up. Beforehand it was because people will die, rolling down a ramp that has an incline of one inch. That didn’t sell. Now it’s security.
And kids are educated in youth groups which are on the other side of the wall. What about them...
The Terrorist Wall is not a good name for it. It sounds like an invite. Like a wall made for them. It will only draw terrorists. And how do we keep out congregants? That should be the discussion... You don't deal with them. Congregants are just as bad.

Security in sanctuary??? What about in the hallway? Do you not care about the kids? Did we not learn to educate them... I understand, you have done an excellent job of educating them that their parents don't care. "The kids can go. If they must go, they must go. would’ve been better if they didn’t come back from camp"... How much security in a sanctuary where you are praying. Do you not believe in Gd...

You send your kids to summer camp, when you don’t listen to H’s word. H’ was talking about encamping. Encamping around the Mishkan... The Tabernacle was not the name of a Machane Kayitz.
So, the kids can’t write home for two weeks? They come home after three... Michelle. Your kids can't write.
And if your kid has an emergency. "Excellent. Great. It’s a shame the bear got them. It’s a shame the buddy system didn’t work out." This way at least you don't get blamed for The Terrorist Wall.

It's about educating your children correctly. They don't get that from you, because you don't listen. They don't get it from the Camp Rachok MeiHorim... They come back thinking "Bang Bang Clap" is a Jewish song...
And now the divorcees have no money for dates, because your kids should be encamping. Not in camp. And you would know that if you listened to H'...
So. You want that wall to keep your kids away. You are fine if they go
You'll be calling the cops with your kids in youth groups. "We're OK. We're behind the safe wall in the sanctuary."

When you don't listen, you end up with no Kosher restaurant... Because you didn’t listen to H’ telling you to eat Kosher. You’re supposed to eat Kosher. Bernie. Your kids can’t eat without a restaurant. You think Mrs. Schwartz’s kids are eating her food?! It’s disgusting. Let's have spaghetti and cottage for dinner again.
We worked on finding a restaurant. We now have a slushy stand... How is that a restaurant. If there is nothing that is being heated up, it’s not a restaurant... You don’t heat slushy’s Bernie.

If you all listened, this shul wouldn't be so messed up... Yes. To listen to me. Cheryl.

When you don’t hear H’, you covet stuff. Because your stuff is messed up. Like a slushy place. You covet a regular restaurant. Maybe if you got a decent restaurant, single people would want to go on dates there. And then they wouldn't come to shul coveting your families... You don't go to 7-Eleven on a date, because kids hang out there and you can get locked up.
You covet because you don’t view it all as H’s. You believe in other gods. To not covet is the last commandment, because not following H’s ways leads to people being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. And it leads to single people...
(Devarim 5:18) “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife, you shall not desire your fellow’s house, field, slave, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything that belongs to your fellow.” I understand nobody is coveting our congregants. That is the one positive about looking at the back left. There is no desire... And your cattle are messed up too...
H’ has to list this stuff because you don’t listen. If you just listened to “Don’t covet,” it wouldn’t all have to be spelled out. When you don’t listen the first time...
"Not to desire" adds even plotting against a friend. Not necessarily just action. To fantasize a plot, even if he won’t do it (Ramban). And I am guilty for plotting to get the other rabbi fired, so I could get out of this shul...
I am not plotting. I am planning against you, because I can’t stand you. I am planning on ruining your ideas which will mess up the shul with a new wall. We don't put up walls in this shul. We put up with annoying board members and committees...
And this is what you get when children are educated by people who don't listen.
And that is why you have no love in your life...

And now we call up the Bat Mitzvah...

Rivka's Rundown
At the end of the sermon, the rabbi called up the Bat Mitzvah girl, who nobody wished a Mazel Tov to. She wasn't even in the announcements. They even skipped Kiddish. It was like day of mourning in our shul for Tu BAv and the girl's Bat Mitzvah. Well. The rabbi called her up and spoke right into her ear. 
At my Bat Mitzvah, I wasn't called up to terror and the idea of somebody coveting my parents. I am sure the Bat Mitzvah girl will remember what she heard from the rabbi.

The rabbi spent the first half hour of the sermon going off on how people’s grandparents in the Pale of Settlement didn’t necessarily pronounce Hebrew words the same way Moshe did.
Later in the week he gave a class on how people should at least learn a little Hebrew, even if they get it wrong, so he doesn’t have to explain everything he says in the sermon. Mid-class, after dealing with constant questions about the meaning of what he was talking about, the rabbi said, “You are a hopeless people.” He stopped the class, left, and said, “I would never want to take you to Israel.”

The rabbi spoke on the hearing part of what Moshe said, because he thought that people would stop talking during his sermons and listen. That didn’t work.

The rabbi blamed us for heresy and the golden calf. Stating Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefillah is the reason.
The basic message... Our kids are messed up because their parents don’t listen to H’s commandments or the rabbi.

I think the rabbi called the back left of the shul very not good-looking people. He did take a lot of complaints for his comment about the cattle. To quote Dr. Lipman, "Say what you want about my wife. But never put down my oxen."

I feel bad for the old singles. They can’t go anywhere. They're quarantined at every event. They come to the events and they have to sit at a table with themselves. No interacting with regular community members, known as "the normals." Or as the rabbi knows them, "congregants who I want to put on the other side of the secured wall." 
And now they are even too old for singles events.
They have to stay in their homes and stalk people on the internet. That’s their only hope.
One family has all the singles over. This way we at least know where to stay away from with our children. They send their children away to different homes for dinner, just in case the old singles see what younger people look like. Which old single men shouldn't know.

One of the singles hugged a kid yesterday. The shul was in an uproar. I don’t care it was his niece. It was wrong. And people kicked him out. B"H.
The board did make a correction in the announcements, after push back from the community. They said they are happy to take dues from the old single people. They still can't go to events or show up anywhere, but they can be part of the community by giving money.

If we need a stronger wall, secure it. Now, everybody is afraid the walls of the shul are going to fall on them. I thought I saw some congregants leaning on one of the walls last Shabbat. They were trying to hold it up.
They’re going crazy with the security thing. I think they just want to spend money, because they haven't given any of it, and they need an argument to spend it.
You can’t argue against security. It’s like you’re heartless. You can't say anything to it. “What? You don’t care about security? What about people's lives?” "Well. I don't care."
They even have members on patrol now. This is the next Police Academy. Melvin, who needs two people to help him up while he grabs the chair in front of him, is on the security team.
If they had money to do renovations on their own house, we wouldn’t be talking about this. They would be focused on spending their own money, and the shul would be safe. They would have no alarm system in the shul, because they had one in their house.

They really don’t care about the kids. The sanctuary, which doesn’t allow kids inside, because they disturb, is the only safe place. 
My parents sent me to camp because they didn’t want to see me. This no letters for two weeks, at least the kids know where their parents stand. Truth is, if I was a one of these kids, knowing what my parents are hoping for me, I would stay at camp. In the end, these parents in our shul will probably spend 500k for college, just to get their kids out.
The followup class on what to do when your kids try to contact you from camp was a series on How to Hide from Your Children.

A slushy stand. A place to get headaches. Our community is pathetic. I need out. I need a community where I can get a Boureka. At least Bourekas heated up in a microwave. That's all I am asking for, a restaurant where somebody does the microwaving for me. At least that. Can't even get a restaurateur to press buttons here.

It is a hot summer, and I am here to help. Summers get hot, which is why some say to skip it. Nonetheless, for the foreseeable future, there will be summers.
As an American Jew, I have tried to figure out ways to stay out of the sun. I even moved to Israel. That didn't help. Even so, I try.
For you, I spent time in The Mountains, The Catskills, to study the Jewish community’s techniques for staying out of the sun. The Frum American community of Ashkenazik descent has discovered countless instruments for sun defense, and fair skin preservation. And now, as a pale Jew, I bring you my findings.
 
The Baseball Hat Technique
Used by Jews to ward off anti-Semites, this sun protection device doubles as a Kippah decoy. You’re already wearing a head covering, might as well be a baseball hat. Truth be told, a baseball hat is a yarmulke with a visor.
According to many, Hank Greenberg is the greatest Jewish hitter of all time. But who’s to say Hank Aaron is not Jewish? And Dave Parker? Real name, David Parker. Probably put on the baseball hat to hide from anti-Semites. Is Joseph DiMaggio Jewish? I can't tell you. But I wouldn't be surprised if his real last name is Dimagkowitz. The answer to these questions and more can be seen in my new book, Those Who Hid Their Religion Under a Baseball Hat.
Joseph Ortiz, need I say more.
 
Huge Umbrella Placement
Go to the beach and find shade. It's almost impossible. Hence you bring an umbrella. With a huge umbrella you can go to the beach and not have to experience the beach. It’s the best of both worlds.
During the summer we use gigantic umbrellas. Tradition is to use small umbrellas in the fall. There is less sun in the fall. We can deal with rain. In rain, you wear a bathing suit.
Be careful with your huge umbrella. They’re hard to carry. I tried carrying one myself, and the wind took me. Walking groups have developed in many communities for this reason.
You’ll see women walking together. This is just in case sun comes out and they need to transport an umbrella safely.
 
Wet Towel Meothod
I don’t know what wetting the towel does for sun protection. However, it definitely keeps you colder for much longer when you come out of the pool. Pneumonia will also keep you out of the sun.
 
Wide Brimmed Fedora
Style is about a bigger brim. I don’t understand people who go to the beach with thin brims. If you’re going to block out the sun, wear a Borsalino with some body on it.
 
A Hat with a Flimsy Brim and Anything You Can Find Technique
You take any hat, then you add a cross between a net and a towel, and some kind of material on the back of it, so your neck doesn’t get burned and you can’t see. You don’t want your eyes getting hit by the sun either.
People add whatever they can once they are wearing a fully brimmed floppy hat. Once they wear the floppy brim, they accept that sun safety is of upmost importance. A sunburn will not happen, nor will meeting a potential spouse.
Once you’re free from the burdens of style, you can add anything you want. I’ve seen pillows, blankets, placemats. Whatever people can carry on their head to protect them from the sun is acceptable. I've seen many with kitchenware.

Winter Clothes Method
Layers. They always say you want to wear layers. Hence, Frum Jews wear layers during the summer. We are very good at taking instruction.
Winter clothes during the summer works as a natural sunscreen. You also look better in winter clothes. People always look so heavy during the summer in short sleeves and bathing suits. Layers will help you look like the one Frum guy who's in shape at the pool.
In addition, with a sweater you take off more weight in the sun. This helps with the summer svelte figure you’ve been working on. Now you can show up to shul at the bungalow, looking slender in the Bekishe, Shtreimel and scarf. Even more, you save money, focusing on one wardrobe.
If you're not sweating, the sun will get you.

Squint System
Devout people squint. Good Jews don’t wear sunglasses. They squint.

Go Out at Night
Do everything during the evening and squint. The street lights can have a sunlike affect.
Stay up all night and pray at sunrise. Usually, it’s the devout that pray Shacharit at this time. During the summer, it’s those trying to stay out of the heat.

Don't Picnic Technique
Also known as The Eat Inside Method, and The I Would Rather Not Have Flies on My Pastrami System, you won't get sunburned in your den.
I didn’t witness one picnic amongst Jews. Picnicking is the easiest way to burn yourself while eating, sitting outdoors. You might as well eat straight off a grill. How people are eating with a huge umbrella in hand is another thing I am trying to figure out.
As there is no way to enjoy your food while holding up a huge umbrella, there is no way to not get burnt while eating on the ground. When Frum Jews eat on vacation, we wait till we find the pizza shop. There is no sun there. And if they're a classy pizza place, they put out the Italian picnic decorative cloth. Italians seem to like the feeling of picnicking

Mid-Article Education Moment
The Don’t Picnic Technique developed because Jews like eating off tables, and not on bed sheets. We have to save the bed sheets for under flimsy hat placement.
Good Jews like chairs detached from tables. If we have a table, we don’t want it being attached to a bench. We want to be able to sit. The foot hole to get your body into the picnic bench is unattainable for the religious Jew. It takes too much stretching and agility. That's not something we work on. At the Tish, the only movement is the forward backward sway, while holding onto another's arms, just in case you fall. I myself never took acrobatics at Yeshivat Chofetz Chaim all boys high school.
 
Do Not Exercise
Why walk when you can get a sunburn, which is very not healthy.
The No Movement Technique for avoiding the sun is the healthiest. And you’re already getting a good shvitz from the winter clothes.

I hope you learned as much as I did from studying my Jewish brethren and sisteren in The Catskills. Now, I shall make it through the summer. Hopefully, this will help you make it through the Israel winter. You might need more sun protection for that.
If there is one important takeaway of value, it's how Jewish women formed walking groups to ensure there was help with carrying the huge umbrellas.
 
I will try to help with more techniques next year. 

Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante.
 
End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. 
We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids.
 
The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.”
 
The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom...

(Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend...
We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah...
Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.”
There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism...

Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... 
This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom...
I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone...

What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom.
I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come.
July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element.
It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom...

Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?!
Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom.

Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people...
We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone...
Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise...

What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism...
Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it.
I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore...
I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is...
Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues...
It seems like you value water slides more than Torah.

The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board...

The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink.
Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven.

(Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom.
The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids.

The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. 

Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping.
The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house.

Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul.
The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.”

They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. 
At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American.

Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth."

Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself.

They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything.
There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants.
After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts.

It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. 

The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw.
The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth.

I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me.

It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done.
It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason.

It started when the Jews left Mitzrayim. They were freed from Egypt and stuck in the desert, where they were trying to find Florida. It didn't happen. They ended up in Israel. Not all prayers are answered.
There are many stories of the splitting of the Atlantic Ocean, but they aren't true. H' did not split the Atlantic. Since the Atlantic didn’t split, the Jews did not make it to Florida.

It was at the time that Christopher Columbus came to America, the Jews of Spain were in hiding, trying to find a vacation spot. Columbus landed in the Bahamas. The Jew explorers with him said, "This is too hot. I'm Shvitzing." And they went back to Europe on the next ship to Spain, which took a couple years.

The 1920s and On - The Modern Discoveries
It started with The Mountains. Jews purchased places in The Mountains to get away from New York City. This was a great getaway around an hour and a half from the city. In the '50s the men would drive up to The Mountains, drop their wives off at a bungalow and enjoy their summers in Manhattan. It was hot in New York during the summers, but the men were able to put up with the heat. To quote Max, "As long as I don't have to put up with my wife."
Truth be told, it wasn't that hot. It was a degree or two hotter than The Mountains, but they had to tell their wives something to get them out of the city and away from Saks Fifth Avenue. It was much cheaper to buy a bungalow than a fur at Saks.
Then something called global warming started. Husbands started to realize it was too hot in New York. They started Shvitzing. They were going to work and Shvitzing. They didn't like the idea of work. That took them a while to figure out. So, they started spending more time in The Mountains with their families. And that's when the divorce rate went up.

They had these beautiful homes in New York without air-conditioning or heating, and then winter came. Why they had no heating, I don't know. I do know that a lot of the New Yorkers got so mad, they started banging their walls during the winter, which became a tradition. The cold shocked everybody. To quote Max, "It's cold here." 
The Jews migrated to their bungalows and realized they had no heat their either. And for some reason, it wasn't as hot as it was during the summer. To their chagrin, there was winter in The Mountains too.
What do they do! Conversations were had. One guy thought it made sense to stay in New York, where his job was. He was excommunicated. We don't speak of him anymore. The fool. 
The New Yorkers all started talking, and since then, all New Yorkers talk about is directions. The best way to get places. And they shared directions with each other, and they all went back to New York and there was traffic. The directions were excellent. But there were too many people going with the best route. It caused congestion. And that is how rush hour started.

There was this idea to go down south for heat. To quote Shloimi and Sarale, "We will not pay the gas and electric company those ridiculous prices." So, they bought a place down south to save on heating for the winter. Sarale was very happy to share that they save two hundred dollars on gas and electric that year.
Texas came up as an option. Arkansas came up. Tennessee was on the radar. Arizona was an idea. Even Georgia was suggested. And the New Yorkers all agreed, "That's for Goyim. Jews go to Florida." At that time there were no Jews in Florida. Nobody retired yet. People only started retiring in the 1980s. Before that, people dropped dead in cubicles.
Somehow, Florida was a divine calling. It is said that all Jews were present at Sinai. And it was at Sinai that Gd commanded the Jews to move to Florida. I heard that from my friend in Boca. He didn't want to make Aliyah.
Well. The Jews were cold, and they decided that Florida is the place for them. So they started settling Florida.

And the Jews of New York had homes in The Mountains for when it was warm, and in Florida when it was cold, and they didn't show up to work. Their bosses in New York fired them, and that is how antisemitism started. To quote Max, who didn't show to work for the months of October to April, because he felt a draft, "My boss is an anti-Semite."
And now, everybody takes the best route in Florida. And the I-95 is congested with traffic. And now, when somebody has the choice to move to Israel, they move to Florida. And now there are shuls all over Florida, known as Chabad.

You've learned the history of the Jews leaving Egypt, divorce, rush hour, New Yorkers conversing in the only topic of best routes, antisemitism, and how the I-95 became the one road with traffic jams for six hours.

Lessons of What Followed
A group of Jews, known as Retirees started settling Florida. The locals started calling them occupiers.
Little is known of this sect of Judaism, known as Retirees. However, they seem to sound like New Yorkers and they like silk shirts with flowers. Many of them went to Crown Heights Yeshiva and Stern College. They are loved by a group called grandchildren, when they pay for their trips to Florida, known as the winter pilgrimage.
Many connect this Retiree people with the Sadducees.

Jews moved to Florida, following the sect of the Retirees, started taking up sports like golf and tennis. They were getting beat all the time. Then they invited more of their Jewish friends to move down to Florida, and they became better athletes, based on sheer competition. And this is why we have Jews walking around with pale legs, in shorts. And these Jews are all Shvitzing.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.

Parents have embraced the Jewish summer camp experience, sending their kids away, enjoying the summer spent without their children. Some parents have even added a new prayer to their Shabbat liturgy, 'B"H they're gone.'
Jewish Summer Camp is a joy for the parents, and there are things that no parent should have to hear when liberated from a child. Stuff that intrudes on a parent’s enjoyment of not having their child around. Stuff that might remind them they brought that little one into the world, when the weather is nice outside. Even worse, stuff that might suggest the child wants to come home.
Here are things that you parents do not want to hear from your child at Jewish Summer Camp:
 
My Counselor is Going to be a Junior in High School
To get rid of your kid for the summer you were fine with this. Yet, hearing your child's safety is in the hands of another child has you bothered for a second. You're not bringing your kid home. But that moment of thought and doubt intrudes on your relaxation. Not fair. Forcing you to think of the well being of your kid. Chutzpah.
A high schooler is watching over your kid for the summer, keeping them safe. You didn’t trust them to babysit your kid when you went to the movies three months ago, because the teenager failed Home-Ec. Now, the fifteen-year-old is taking your youngest on overnights in the middle of the woods. To ensure the safety of your eight-year-old going up against bears, the counselor set up a buddy system, where your eight-year-old is watched over by another eight-year-old.
It's just a Chutzpah. Your little one shouldn't be killing your time away from them with thoughts of their safety.
 
I want to Come Home
That is the last thing you want to hear. That can kill some decent summer plans. Do anything you can to not hear this. Ghost your child if you have to. It may leave some scars, but at least you'll be able to enjoy your summer.
You sent them to camp to get rid of them for the summer. You were willing to spend $12,000 on each child to make sure they would not come home. You've just thrown out every art project they came home with last year. The Chanukah Menorah with the nuts on a slab of wood is finally in the trash. You even left a fifteen-year-old in charge of them, and pretended like you didn’t notice. Whatever they need, give it to them. If that means another bunk in another camp, do it.

I am Homesick
It's hard to care for your child and then to have to respond to their sickness by telling them, ‘Your mom and dad are sick of having you at home. They are feeling ill having to see you. The thought of you at the house depresses them.’

The Kids are Mean
When children are not around adults, they turn into creatures of hate with no moral sense. Wedgies become a daily activity, and they're considered fun. Encourage your child to deal with the abuse and to enjoy the wedgies, even if there's a good chance they'll come home injured.

I am at the Infirmary
You had no idea that the camp you sent your child to is an army barracks in the middle of a Catskill war zone.
Now you might have to visit. And that is your child killing your good times with thoughts of them.
You're thinking you should visit. Don't. You're thinking that malaria might be a reason to bring your child home. Don't. Your friends are coming over for a game of Scrabble later. There's a camp nurse. An infirmary. They have to learn to survive out there with upper middle class Jewish New Yorkers.

I Don’t Like Bunk Beds
They will never survive in camp or a youth hostel. They are going to be expensive to raise.

I Miss You
Worst thing to hear. No parent wants to hear this. This is your child trying to scare you. A parent only wants to hear that if it's not genuine. You want to hear, 'I love you.' That means the child is OK and doesn't want to see you.
'I miss you.' Why would your child do this to you? If the child is over thirty and living overseas, this is a fine statement. As there is no way the child will visit. At that point, they know you're not paying for them to come back home.
Do whatever you can to avoid love in your home, and you will not have to deal with this issue.

I Want a Package
Can’t get away with a month of no shopping for the kid. Now you've got to pick up Pringles, Twizzlers and hockey gear. You already spent $12,000 on camp. The least they can do is provide your child with sports equipment and some sweets. But you send it. Whatever they need, you send it, due to fear of the child coming home.
To offset the fear of packages have gotten bigger and more intricate. Now these entitled children need comfort. You have to go to the supermarket and Bed Bath & Beyond. You're sending packages with couches and air-conditioning units, and anything else that will ensure that your child does not want to come home. I've seen kids getting packages with golf carts. Golf carts with notes that say, 'Your parents love you. Please stay in camp for the second session too.'
If you want any love from your child, and to rid yourself of the threat of our child visiting home, regular Pringles will not do; you got to make sure the Pringles are the sour cream n’ onion type with a memory foam mattress.

I Miss Your Cooking
Now you have to ship an overnight package with a hotplate. Otherwise, they might want to come home.
Feels good when you hear it. Just make sure you send that package. Otherwise, they're coming home and you will have to cook spaghetti for the rest of the summer. 

Goal is to keep them there, at camp. Away from you and uncomfortable.
Next time we will discuss more stuff you don't want to hear after spending $12,000, such as ‘I’m bringing home some arts-n-crafts,’ 'I started collecting salamanders,' and 'you have to tip my counselor.'

Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt. 
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too.

Hagba Torah Lifts
Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch.
To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling.
 
Kiddish Wrestling
This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. 
You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran.
 
Candy Attacking
At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants.
Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility.

The Carlebach
This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation.
The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time.

The Baby Cry and Carry
This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon.
To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body.

There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat.
Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees.

Announcements 
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis.
 
Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody.
 
We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp.
 
We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes.
It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish...

(Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels.
Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price.
Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer...

(20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah...

(Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system.

Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting...
You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation.

You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong...
What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity.
It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness...

It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative...
H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all.

Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny...

And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff.

Rivka's Rundown
​The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt.
And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling.

The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary.
Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet.

The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf.
I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness.

Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one.
The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie.

The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that.
The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members.

I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.

I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began.

The First Canteens
Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work.

Canteens Are for Drinking
Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens.
People loved the new juice, as did cicadas.

There Was an Issue
In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.'
They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza.
The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. 
Kids complained about the walking.

What Was in the Canteen
At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched.
Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history.
And that is how we have the modern-day canteen.

They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents
The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money.
After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.'
All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz.

Tabs Got Bigger
Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this.
So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS.
They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs.
To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab.
And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen.

CONCLUSION
And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day.
'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen.
 
And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now.

And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz.

And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer.
And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask.

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
​
Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.

Kids are finally back in camp, having fun with no masks. Mask mandates are only for school. They are safe in camp, having fun and doing what is know as activities. 
Anything you do is more exciting when you call it an activity. Point shall be made: You can go shopping and run errands. Or you can go shopping as an activity. I ask, which one would you rather do? If errands was an activity this would get complicated. I would be fine with kids running errands at camp all summer. However, they don't take the kids in the bunk to pickup groceries. For now, that the point is made, we can all agree that activities are awesome.
Here are some of the general activities that split up your child's day at summer camp.
 
Floor Hockey- A sport that Jews are competitive at, because nobody else plays it. Flag football is another sport American Jews are excellent at, as they play it in Israel and Israelis don't know what it is.
There are more camp sports like newcomb, bottle cap football, Torah baseball and gaga. The key to the sports activities is to take a known sport and make it Jewish by taking out any specialized skill. You play hockey and take away the ice. You play volleyball by catching the ball. Newcomb is a sport everybody can be great at. Amazing activity.

Torah Baseball- A sport where you compete with your mind, so you too can be a champion. It costs the camp a lot less for you to answer questions about the Torah portion than having to manicure a baseball field.

Roof Ball- This is where you throw a ball on the roof, to wake up all the people in your bunk during rest hour. When I was younger, I knew this game as The Ball Got Stuck in the Gutter Ball.
Camp games are usually named after the objects used in them. You have wall ball and floor ball. If there was a stick, we might have played stick ball. I can't promise you that stick ball would've been the name. Our counselor didn't allow us to remove the stick from the broom, so I wouldn't know. 
Oh. We had table ball. We used a table for that. We played that to bother people while they were eating lunch.

Arts and Crafts- When you are not artistically talented, they add on the word “crafts.” It's now a useful item. It's not a sculpture, it's an ashtray. The mug is an ashtray. The spoon rest is an ashtray. It actually is the same thing. If it wasn't for arts and crafts people would stop smoking.
Other than ceramics or ashtray making, there is also a Jewish component to the activity. Sometimes, the kids make a ritual washing cup that looks like an ashtray. The accepted arts and crafts tradition is to have the children make Jewish pieces that they will not be using for another half a year. You take a slab of wood and put nuts on it and that is your art; a candle holder for Chanukah, or an ashtray. Great activity.

Free Swim- When the lifeguard goes to sleep. 

Shabbis Walk- There is not much you can do on Shabbat. They had to be creative when the campers asked them why there was nothing to do other than bottle cap football and Checkers, when their parents spent $9,500. That is when they came up with the activity known as the Shabbis Walk. In co-ed camps this is tantamount to romance. Almost as romantic as sitting in a tree.

Hike- Walking not on Shabbat.

Snack Time- When you get to drink milk out of an eight-ounce carton. Might be the most exciting activity in camp.

Letter Time- Jewish summer camp is the only place where letters are still written by hand. This is how you honor your parents. With paper. Emails don’t show care. Going green is very bad for relationships. If your children haven't written you with a cursive signature yet, they don't love you.
It’s about survival. Let’s say you are lost on a desert island, nobody around, and you want to contact your parents? The Post Office is all you have. They will pick up. Let’s say your computer can’t fake the personal letter that you wrote to three hundred people in cursive, all named “Shalom,” thanking them for coming to your party and donating money to your fund, and you have to sign by hand and you have poor penmanship? Think about that for a minute.
No romance ever happened with an email. It must be handwritten and handed give on a Shabbis Walk.

Shower Time- Anything with 'time' connected to it is an activity. Cleanup time. That's an activity. Cleanup is not an activity. Nobody wants to cleanup. If you hear 'It's cleanup time everybody,' you're jumping for joy and tucking in your blanket.

Face Painting- That's an activity that will definitely lead to Shower Time.

Excitement- Great activity. Screaming. Running and Screaming. Eating and screaming. Excitement is the number one activity. You have excitement at a 'time' and you have probably the best activity of the summer. $9,500.  

Shiurim- You have class time here too, to remind you that you are not on vacation. They call it camp, but they have Jewish classes. Your parents are spending $9,500. Yes, they are behind this painful part of the day.

Davening- Prayers every day. You do more religious stuff in camp than in school. Camp is an extension of Jewish day school, because your parents are still complaining they paid way too much tuition.

Music- This really is school. It's music class. You sing. They try to get you to harmonize correctly. It's music class.

Night Activity- Anything done at night is exciting. Hence, that's the activity. Night.

Night Seder- At very religious camps, this is where you learn Torah at night. Done at night, makes it more awesome. That’s an activity. During the day it’s learning, at night it’s an activity. That is how Jewish camp programs the day.

Package Time- When parents send their child everything they love, so they don't feel like they're in camp. Usually done with Twizzlers, it's the parents way of apologizing for enjoying the absence of their child. A Twizzlers offering. It's a way to keep them at camp. Then, there are kids that don't get packages, and they hate this activity.

​​Flag Raising- Do they still allow that? Is that too patriotic? 
​
Boating- Row boating. Maybe in a canoe. Sailing is not happening at the pool. The kids are not going into the lake. There's fish in there.
It is a camp, and there is a lake. You need a lake for it to be a camp. Around five years ago, kids refused to swim in a lake. It was around that same time that kids started being correct, and started becoming dumber.
​If I was correct growing up, we wouldn't have swam and my bunk would've had air-conditioning.

Leagues- Teams are made. They could've just called your bunk a team, but they want to make sure your team is not good. After spending two days putting you on the bad team, it's now time to figure out what sports you play. 
A chart is made by the sports staff as to what sports you're going to play, and against who. You finally have the teams and the leagues, and you explain to all the kids why they're not on a team with their bunkmates, and Color War starts; got to wait a week to start the leagues. You play floor hockey twice and camp is over. 

We would've had a ropes course and team building as an activity, but we saw how bad the teams went with the 'Leagues.' We also don't trust the other kids in the bunk to save your child. If your kid closed their eyes and fell back, that would be a full-on fall.

Other than wearing nightgowns, what do people do in The Mountains, living at the bungalow? 

SHOPPING & EATING
Those are the activities. Eating and shopping for food to eat.

Pizza: You Define a Jewish Town by Pizza
The Woodbourne block gives you the full experience of Jewish New York, and that is what you are looking for when you leave New York to go to The Mountains. The experience includes eating. Pizza shops, knishes, and more eating. There is New York style pizza; thus, Woodbourne is Jewish.
You can now find kosher pizza shops in Monticello. South Fallsburg is loaded with pizza. Pizza all summer. That is the nutrient of The Mountains. Pizza.
What came first? Jews or pizza? Please help me answer this.

Grocery Shopping
They had Shop Rite, but that did not satisfy the full New York Jewish experience of being on vacation outside of New York. Hence, they opened a “Landau’s New York Supermarket”, so the Brooklyn experience of being on vacation away from Brooklyn in The Mountains could be enjoyed.

Amazing Savings
If Amazing Savings did not exist, The Mountains would not be Jewish. All people in bungalows go shopping at Amazing Savings. Jews need to buy tin pans.
Walmart was enjoyed by the Jewish people of The Mountains until they didn’t allow us to return stuff after two months. Talk about chutzpah! I ask you, what am I supposed to do with my purchase of the lawn chairs after the summer?!

PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES IN THE MOUNTAINS
This happen accidently. You're shopping and you can't find your car in the parking lot, you're stuck doing a physical activity. Other than that, you end up in water because it's hot. Here is how these activities work in The Mountains.

Hikes
Allow me to explain how hikes work in The Mountains:
Anytime you walk in The Mountains that is a hike. If there is no sidewalk, that is a hike. Mothers pushing their babies up and down the main roads of Monticello, that is a hike.
Anytime there is a chance of finding a salamander, that is a hike. This includes a salamander you found under your bungalow. You step outside, see an animal that is not a human, that is a hike. It is exercise. Can't find your car, now you're on another hike.
Anytime you have a bottle in a bag, that is a hike. Bottle in your hands, that is a walk. Walking in your nightgown is a hike. Anybody walking to the pizza shop when they could be driving, is hiking and losing weight. If you are from New York and you are surrounded by trees and grass and you go for a walk, that is a hike.

The Lake
There is always a lake nearby. You do not swim there. You swim in the pool that is built right next to the lake. The correct terminology is 'take a dunk.' You take a dunk in the pool. 
I am not sure if there is actual swimming. I have seen people in pools, but I am not sure if they are swimming or standing there.

Hours of swimming
It's important to know and understand these hours.
Men’s Hours- Hours at the Bungalow or Hotel pool that men do not want to show up to. Note: If women show up to these hours, it is tradition to not complain. See Women’s Only Hours for when men want to go.
Women’s Hours- Hours at the pool that women love. Sentence: ‘Thank Gd, B"H, there are no men here. They're disgusting... ’ See Men’s Hours for swimming times that men do not want to be at.
Mixed Hours- When the bad Jews go swimming, and all the other people go to sunbathe. 

Boating
Jews do not use motorboats. They go boating with an oar. It’s all part of the Jewish tradition of reliving slavery.

No Surfing
That is too tiring. If you see anybody outside of the boat, that is a man overboard.

No Fishing
Finding kosher food is time consuming enough. Waiting to catch a fish is not something we have time for, when you're trying to find the right kosher supervision on the tartar sauce package.

Swim with Shirt, Skirt or Dress
This is done either because of modesty or because your one-day South Beach diet did not shed all the extra pounds. Don’t be crazy. Nobody swims in a nightgown.

Sitting
Sitting and watching kids do stuff is the number one activity in The Mountains. Chasing them is not something you do. If your children are running and yelling in the pizza shop, there is no reason to do anything if they're not bothering you.

Shopping and eating are the activities. That's what I've concluded. If you end up walking by accident, that might be another activity. And there's a pool, but a dunk is not an activity. Dunking is only an activity if you're eating french fries. I have seen the people of The Mountains and they sweat when eating fries. They get involved in that activity.
Next time you are looking for the New York City experience, go to The Mountains. Join me for some New York City pizza and hike down the road to Amazing Savings. I am even happy to spend some quality time sitting on the bungalow colony lawn with you, in nightgowns.

Since the dawn of time Jews have been trying to figure out where to go for the summer. Winters was easy. You go to Florida. After many years of exploration, the Jews came upon The Mountains. They were worried to settle there, as there was no butcher. Nonetheless, they found cattle and a hotel. And that led to bungalows. I thus bring you into the world of what makes for the modern day The Mountains and bungalow experience.

THE MOUNTAINS
​The Mountains are the one great stronghold of Jewish American tradition. The traditions of delis is gone, we don’t have the Lower East Side, we don’t have Americans born with Eastern European accents. All we have are trees during the summer and Bloomingdale’s.
Every summer, the Jews of New York flock to The Mountains. I am here to bring you the life of The Mountains, so that you can navigate the bungalow and the Jewish American Summer Vacation the way it was traditionally supposed to be celebrated, with food.

New York City Without Tolls
Imagine taking Brooklyn and putting it someplace with foliage.
The Jews of New York want to see grass and trees. That is summer vacation. Other than that, there is nothing new anybody wants to see on vacation, other than New York City. Small supermarkets and pizza shops is what people want.
New Yorkers could drive up Interstate 80 for a bit and turn back home. They would find some trees. However, after driving on the highway for an hour or so, you get tired. So, they colonized The Mountains. Anybody who lives in Brooklyn or Manhattan cannot handle two hours of driving, if it's not in traffic. The beeping and people cutting you off keeps you up.
To Note: During the summer, there's enough traffic in The Mountains to keep you up on weekends.

What Are The Mountains?
The Mountains are a plateau consisting of the Catskills and Poconos. There’s nature, trees, and you can see greenery. Therefore, people from Brooklyn call it The Mountains. In Brooklyn, mountains means grass and flowers. That is where they grow. In mountains. That is how they teach geography in Flatbush. Anything with grass is a mountain, including a meadow.
The Mountains must be capitalized, as it is a Jewish city. I do not believe that New Yorkers have ever traveled further than The Mountains. This is what makes them ‘The’ Mountains.
The Jewish Homeland for two and a half months, and the home of non-Jewish people the whole year, The Mountains is also known as land occupied by Jews in Upstate New York. It is a highly politically contested area. Even so, it doesn’t make the news, because nobody outside of the five boroughs wants to live in a bungalow.
 
THE BUNGALOW
The idea is to move from a home with central air to a hut with a screen door that doesn’t keep out mosquitos. That is enjoyment for New Yorkers; a screen door that doesn’t shut. A home with uneven floors and no air-conditioning.
It's all for the experience. You might get to see bluets.
 
Get Out of The Apartment
The hovel with the tilted fun room floors, made of wood that has not been shellacked, is enjoyed by people who are trying to get away from their two-million-dollar apartment. Multimillion dollar apartments aren’t built to accommodate summer enjoyment, or the New York 85-degree temperatures that equal humidity of 180.
 
Clothing is a Nightgown
Walk around in nightgowns. That is the style. I have no explanation for this.
 
Use Your Front Lawn
Bungalows are communal. People bring out tables, benches, chairs. Bring whatever you can out of your bungalow; fridges, ovens, dressers. This frees up the hovel and gives you enough space to sleep. Don’t worry about what the neighbors think about you keeping your clothes outside. You’re going to be wearing the nightgown all day anyways.
 
Family Time
This is something the kids don’t enjoy. If they ever get decent reception and internet access in The Mountains, this tradition will be done. Kids will once again be sitting at dinner on the web, posting pictures of their mom walking around in a nightgown at dinner.

Bungalow Colony
Jews leaving New York City, move as one and live in what is known as a colony. It is a form of protection against the unknown terrain and being caught without a Minyin. It's also a way of supporting each other in the decision of moving from air-conditioning to a shack.
It's a Kibbutz where nobody works the land. It's a modern day Kibbutz. A modern day Kibbutz with more Yiddish.

THE HOTELS
The hotel resort industry was big in The Mountains until the 1980s, and then the movie Dirty Dancing came out. Patrick Swayze and the dance instructors were living in the bungalows, and all the religious Jews decided they wanted to be there.
Reasons the hotels closed: Patrick Swayze and finances. The Jewish people would not settle for anything less than twenty four hours of buffet and constant dinner.

Next time we shall be discussing the activities one does in The Mountains, such as taking in air. We shall discuss what city dwellers are willing to do for a breeze, and why glamping makes no sense. 
​We will try our best to figure out more ways to talk about New Yorkers. Please forgive me if I didn't mention New Jersey in this article. 

The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom.  I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes.