Announcements
As a community, the post holiday dieting didn’t work. It is clear that the community has kept on it's Pesach pounds, or clothes have gotten a light tighter.
Not eating Matzah is not considered a diet. The rabbi wanted people to know that you can get heavy off of bread as well.
 
The community is working on a kosher restaurant. All fear that nobody will want to go, as members of our shul will go. We understand your fear of having to have a conversation about Rivka's kids when getting a corned beef sandwich. Don't worry, we will make sure it is a deli. This will chase away Jews who only eat at Texas style smokehouses nowadays.
The Beckers are scared to reopen the kosher restaurant, as Jews might come. We ask the Hirshmanns to notify the Beckers they will not eat there. We all know how annoying the Hirshmanns can be as customers, always asking for the vegan option.
 
Since Pesach, it's been taking too long for people to walk up for their Aliyahs. The rabbi has required mandatory Pilates classes. If you don't attend Pilates classes, you will not receive an honor at shul.
The rabbi has also made it clear that there will be no Kibudim for people who need to push themselves up from their seats with their armrests.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 6:29) '...in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall afflict your souls'... Yom Kippur Bernie. You afflict on Yom Kippur. You don't afflict me now... I know Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the year, but it's in the seventh month... Yes. And days start at night. This is logic. I feel like I am being afflicted by a bunch of heathens who think days start at dawn.
It doesn't say to afflict your rabbi...

What is affliction? Finally a decent question. Affliction is when a congregant comes to your office and starts telling you about their family.
Abstention from food and drink (Yoma 74b). That is the affliction we speak of on Yom Kippur. Seeing how you all ate on Pesach, I believe our community understands this...
You lose weight by fasting. After Rosh Hashana you don't eat. After all the brisket you take down... Stop eating. That's how you lose weight. It's in the Torah...
Working out happens after Yom Kuppur. I am sure the Kohens worked out to help the Kohen Gadol with the Yom Kuppur service... They did Pilates. You need a strong core to sacrifice.
You need a strong core for Aliyas as well... Shlomo. We waiting five minutes for you to get up to the Bima after you got back from the Pesach hotel. You afflicted the congregation with your out of shapedness. Just watching you get up from your chair was an affliction.
 
It’s spring. Summer is around the corner. This is the only community that is fine being out of shape… No. Swimsuits are Asur.
At least try. Try to get in shape. Maybe tuck in a shirt at least... It makes you look thinner.

(Vayikra 17:4) Sacrifices had to be done in the Temple. Outside of the Temple they get cut off... No. You are just skipping Minyin.

The Yom Kippur service is about tradition. Kosher restaurants are about tradition... No. There will be no salad bar... There is no brisket in salad, Michelle. If you can make a brisket salad, I will think about allowing a salad bar.
It will be a deli. Since when have Jews abandoned tradition and stopped eating in delis?!
Texas style smokehouses are not tradition… Even if it’s corned beef. Smokehouses are not Jewish.
It’s going to be called Beckers Deli because the Beckers own it… The Hirshmanns are very annoying. And Rivka, you scare people away. You’re lovely, but nobody goes to Marshall’s anymore. They fear they will have to have a conversation with you about your grandchild’s last Simcha... I am sorry they didn't have a vegan option Mr. Hirshmann. It was a smokehouse. What are they supposed to smoke? Lettuce?!
This is going to be a deli, and I for one believe in tradition. There will be no kosher deli with a vegan option in this town.

It's about not sinning. It's about not turning delis into smokehouses... Not everything is about a healthy diet, Bernie. Treat people well. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Don't bear a grudge... Love your neighbor as you (19:18)... It ends with 'I am H".' When you understand Gd's oneness, you understand the connection with your neighbor. And you encourage them to lose weight after Pesach. And you encourage them to keep our traditions and to eat in delis. You look at the Hershanns and you realize how much you've messed up.
Yes. And follow other Mitzvot, unlike Michelle who still can't get over the lack of salad bars.

If you mess up, you bring an offering... You bring it to the Beis Hamikdash. There is no Temple nowadays... The only part of the Torah you are keeping is the messing up... Well there is a lot of hatred here. I understand it's hard to love your neighbor when it is the Hershmanns.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I do talk about my kids a lot. I like to spread my Nachis. If it keeps them out of Marshall's I'm fine with that. I don't need competition at the clearance rack. And some of the members of our community take number tags into the dressing room in the late teen numbers. I've seen it. I once saw a twenty-two card go in with... I won't say the name. I'm not a talebearer.

Nobody liked the idea of a post Pesach fast. The congregation voted and they're happy to wait till the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BAv. The board discussed it, and they will plan to lose their fifteen pounds on those two days.
When the rabbi mentioned working out, the congregants didn't like that either. Pilates classes were not attended. Nor was Minyin. Though, people did show up for Kiddish after Pesach.
 
The deli is a place Jews can get heavy too. Once that came out that the Kosher deli will have traditional fat, everybody was into it.
I feel that our Jewish community is antisemitic. Expressing that you won’t open a kosher restaurant in fear that Jews will show sounds to be a bit of Jew hatred by Jews. Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment. It might just be that they don't like a lot of people, and they all happen to be Jews.
I understand the Hirshmanns are annoying and I talk about my kids, but that is what the deli is about. You sit at your table after you go to the other tables to say ‘Hi.’ At the smokehouse, nobody ever greeted anybody. You just came and enjoyed your food. No Jew wants that. That’s not what a deli is about. Matzah ball soup is about a discussion. It's served with a long long conversation.
The smokehouse closed with COVID. Since then, it's been hard to be a Jew in Topeka. I think that is why all the people that went away for Pesach ate so much. They realized they would have to cook at home when they got back. And that's almost as scary as cleaning.
 
To my amazement, even the vegans were fine with no kosher option at the deli. They said that they are against killing tradition and animals.

Why the rabbi had to tell people they can get heavy off bread?!

I am glad the rabbi banned swimsuits. If people wore swimsuits in our congregation, things would be different. We would lose a large portion of our membership.

Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.

The deli is American Jewish tradition. In American Jewish tradition, all Jews come from Europe. That’s the only place Jews come from. Deli is the only true Jewish food. Even turkey-pastrami has a certain amount of guilt that it feels from the time it was cut from the body and cured.
Ever since Jewish life opened to other countries, people started eating falafel and shwarma, and wraps. Now there are smokehouses, threatening the existence of delis. Shame on the Jewish people, giving up salt for smoke. When I went to New York to find they were serving sushi at what was my favorite deli, I knew Jewish life was ruined forever. Now nothing is Jewish anymore.
I am here to remind you some of the reasons why we, American born Jews of tradition, love the deli.
 
The Smell
It's as close a smell as you can get to socks that have been through a marathon in the rain and then ran in again, and then left in the room with the windows down. Yet, it still smells so good. It is the closest you can get to a stench that is unbearable, and yet it's so appetizing. Which makes me ask why I still do laundry.
 
It Is Jewish
Every deli reminds a Jew of the Lower East Side. Jews came from Europe and this is the food they took on the ship with them. The pickling connects us to that tradition, as any pickling process done right can keep the food fresh for well over a century. That is where the deli smell is from; Europe, a hundred years ago.
 
Salami That Hangs
Salami doesn’t smell that bad. But you leave it hanging for two years, something is going to come of that.
 
Pictures of Random Immigrants
A picture of a guy pushing a wagon in the Lower East Side of New York, in the early 1920s, that every deli owner is related to. And then another picture of a guy standing behind a counter, whose face we can barely see behind the hanging salami. These two pictures unite every deli. Whoever the ancestor in that picture is that every person who opens a deli is related to, it is tradition. I love it.

The Tiled Floor
A restaurant that smells pickled, with a checkered floor that looks like a 1950s washroom. Décor does not get better than that. Love it.
 
Carpet that Hasn’t Been Cleaned
If you don’t have the bathroom tiles, it’s decked out in speckled red and blue carpet that looks maroon. This way, we cannot tell how much kishka, stuffed-derma, gravy has spilled on it. I love the thriftiness of not needing somebody to clean the place. I love the smell of hanging salami and cured beef brought from Europe in 1910. I love pictures of random immigrants from Time Magazine that look like family.

There is more to this Ode. I will continue next week with more to love, like Batampte pickles and Mother's, a brand that is named after my mom.

Announcements
The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will not be attended, as we are scared of anti-Semites. We will share our love and pride of Israel in our homes, watching Shark Tank.
This Wednesday, the Federation will host a Yom HaAtzmaut march on Zoom. People will be able to march on screen. If you have a green screen, make it look like there's a moving background, for solidarity-sake.
 
We will celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut at shul with falafel, as that is why our great Home Land was founded.
All kids are asked to wear blue pants and white shirts, so they can stain their shirts easier.
 
Please work on your Hebrew accents. Your Americanized Hebrew accent is starting to bother everybody. This is for Sandra. Please, either speak in English, or learn how to speak Hebrew normally.
 
For Rosh Chodesh it would be nice to see you in shul. Maybe repent for a day before you stop coming again.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 13:31) '...the Kohen quarantines him for seven days'... Kohens quarantine. Our Kohens can't even do the Duchening right... Duchening is the blessing. You're supposed to bless us Bill. Your cup your hands. It looks like you're begging for money... I look, because you're not Duchening. It's not a Bracha. Not with fingers like that.
Why do we not quarantine more?! If nobody saw Bernie for seven days, this would be a happy congregation... Mike wasn't quarantined, he was binge watching Shark Tank. That's why he wasn't at shul all week.
Tzaras, Baheret. A very pale congregation. I don't know what caused it- if it's Lashon Hara or lack of sun...
Other people talk Lashon Hara about how pale you are. A pale, out of shape congregation with no personality.
I don't know what the Kohen has on his hands. It's just messed up Duchening. He doesn't know how to split fingers right...
 
Sometimes for another seven days. I think we should quarantine congregants for fourteen days... No. Just for being annoying.
I know it won't help with the paleness, but at least we won't have to see them.
You talk Lashon Hara. Do we need a Baheret to tell us you talk about other people? We have Kiddish to prove that to us... All you do is talk Lashon Hara at the vegetable platter.
Quarantine the Kohens. They do such a bad job at the Bracha, I don't even think H' understands their 'Yivarechecha...' Nobody has any idea what you're saying. All we do is talk Lashon Hara about it and look pale.
Quarantine Sandra until she learns to speak Hebrew in a way that doesn’t bother everybody...
 
The Yom HaAtzut committee are the only people in this city that know how to quarantine... You told people not to come to your event. You told them to quarantine for the march.
Scared of anti-Semites, so you tell people to make falafel at home... You can't have a Zoom parade. There is no pride in a Zoom parade.
Did you see yourself marching in your house?! You look like fools. And you should've cleaned the place...

Can you become clean? Good question. Not the way our congregants are unkempt...
(13:34) '...the Kohen shall pronounce he (the contaminated one) is clean and he shall wash his clothes and he shall become clean.' The word for clean here is 'pure,' Tahor. Our Kohen doesn't even know how to say pure in Hebrew.
You are not just pure if you are not clean. If you come to shul with un-laundered Shabbis clothes, you might as well speak Lashon Hara. You're not clean. You're not pure and you are still pale... Nothing to do with Tzaraas. Just very white. Maybe sunburned...

Clean yourselves for crying out loud. You have to do something for purity... I don't know if the shul isn't pure. I can tell you that nobody has vacuumed the hallways since Rosh Hashana. And you can't celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut with impure hallways.
At least clean your home for Yom HaAtzmaut… The whole shul is going to see it on Zoom... I can't stand that we have to see the people that are supposed to be quarantined on a group chat.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi started checking to people to see if they smelled of Dial or Zest. If they did not, the rabbi quarantined them and put them in the not good smelling section of the shul.

Many of the members are pale and out of shape. Everybody talks Lashon Hara about that.

The Kohens are off. Messed up finger placement. One of them seems to point his finger, like he's reprimanding us. The rabbi tried showing Star Trek, but the Kohens had no idea why the rabbi was making them watch it.

The Yom HaAtzmaut on Zoom was messed up. More messed up than Bill's Duchening. They were literally marching in their living room. With pride. Pathetic. I think the Finkelsteins were marching in St. Petersburg. Why? I have no idea. It was what was on the moving screen in their living room.
It was like Minyin. A Zoom Minyin. Something you can't do.

I think they served nonKosher at the Yom HaAtzmaut BBQ. How do you even find non-Kohsher falafel? You have to try.
 
Sandra has been trying to talk Hebrew. She has a very strong American ‘R’ and she over-pronounces the ‘Ah’s. Very annoying. She should be quarantined for talking Hebrew.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.

Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel.

Never Purchase Falafel
Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me.

Stick to Pita
I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel.

Do Not Ask for Falafel
They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns.
If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out.
And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita.

Purchase Half a Pita
If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day.
Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well.  You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it.
The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick.

Stand By the Salads- The Salatim
First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money.
Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability.

Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living.
Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America.

Announcements
Due to the heretics at the bakery, the rabbi said you can't buy from them till October. By that time, we're praying the Jews of our community will have bought the bakery's Chametz.
 
We're ending Pesach with a four dayer. Another day of Matzah. I don't know what sins you did to deserve this. Shabbat is one more day of Pesach. No Kosher Jews will have Challah by that time, especially with Heiminstein's Heretical Baked Goods. Eating Matzah means another day.
 
The fire at the shul was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was an act of members doing something. The Biyur Chametz fire was too large. We now have to repaint the outside of the shul.
We ask people not make fires on shul property, even if they are doing a Mitzvah. We ask fires should be contained on shul property. Not just in a forest. Even if we believe in H' the One who made fire.
General request from the board: We ask members not help.
 
Due to the annoyance of most of the membership, and the rabbi not wanting to see them at shul, we're adding another three weeks to Pesach. The rabbi ordered it. He called the hotels. They will take you back for another thirty thousand dollars. It's a deal and it will make the rabbi happy.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 9:21) It says, 'As Moshe commanded.' Aaron did as Moshe said. It's good to have people who listen to you... Because then you don't mess up everything.
Sometimes, you listen to your leaders... Why? So, that you don't mess up everything, like burning down the shul's social hall... I told you to not help.
If the bakery would've listened, they would have sold the Chametz and they would've purchased Di Paolo bread and called it Challah... It tastes better than Heimenstein's Heretical bulkies.

This is the beginning of the priestly service. The consecration. Celebrate beginnings. It is from here that all other services will happen... We didn't celebrate the beginning of the new shul president, because he's annoying.
They sacrificed. They didn't burn down a tree... I know you were making a fire to burn Chametz. You burned down the shul's awning, the social hall, the... Self-hating Jews... We almost lost the shul due to your Pesach zealotry... Moshe didn't tell Aaron to burn down a forest. You were burning Chametz. How much wood do you need to burn Chametz?... Somebody else is going to the Lag BOmer bonfire...
They were sacrifices. Moshe didn’t tell Aaron to burn down the Temple.
 
Due to Aaron's doing this the right way, they were able to bless the people. You can't bless the people when you have no bread and the shul is burnt... It's called anti-Semitism Bernie. Your burning of the Chametz was antisemitic...
After he did the services of the offerings, (Vayikra 9:22) Aaron raised his hands towards the people and he blessed them.
They were able to raise their hands and leave the tent of meeting because they didn’t burn everything… We can’t use the back door to the shul now
You’re not a Boy Scout. You’re a shul member. Your practicing Mitzvot is dangerous.
The time you spilled the grape juice… Yes. They slipped. You didn’t clean it.
The time you backed out of your parking spot. The time you approached the Kiddish table with reckless abandon... You doing anything is dangerous. The way you sit. You plop down. You broke Tzachi's arm by sitting next to him... The time your nephew visited, junior congregation was dangerous...

(Vayikra 9:23) Then Aaron and Moshe come out of the tent of meeting and they bless the people 'and the glory of H' appeared to the entire people.'
After stuff is done correctly, the way Moshe said to do it, the way H' wants it, H' can join in the blessing. H's glory is present... Not here. Not when you burned down the place.
There is no blessing at Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery. The bakery made the worst Challah this Shabbis. And it wasn't kosher... I just know it wasn't good.
The service was messed up too. You don't call numbers that fast. You don't say '202, 20...204.' They don't give you time to get to the display. Especially when Sadie is telling you about the grandchildren.
 
The bakery’s Challah is anti-Semitic…
Two days with one day break is a four day Chag. Especially when the bakery doesn't sell Di Paolo…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi made it clear that the kosher bakery was anti-Semitic. Thanks to the rabbi, their business skyrocketed after the Chag. Everybody wanted to buy Chametzdik from anti-Semites. That’s a Jewish Chavaya.

Kiddish was held in the back of the chapel. They're still fixing up the social hall after the Biyur Chametz fire. They'll be talking about the Biyur Chametz fire for years. We had a special prayer service for the insurance company to cover the damages. 'Burning of Chametz' was not written into the insurance plan. Though, natural disaster is in our plan. That should include congregants.
Baruch truly is dangerous. Everything he does is a danger to the shul. Especially the way he parks. He takes up two spots.
 
The bakery truly makes bad Challah. The rabbi calls it Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery, as only heretics can make that bad of Challah. The rabbi explained the following week that the Challah wasn't Chametz, as it wasn't 'Raui'i LAchilas Kelev' (not fit for a dog to eat it).
Truth is the whole end of the sermon was confusing to me. The rabbi should've just said their stuff is worse than Entenmann's.
The rabbi said they didn't sell their Chametz. I can't imagine they didn't sell it. I think he just doesn't like their babka and Danish, and can't imagine that any sale they make is legitimate.
Why we have a Kosher bakery that can’t make Challah baffles me. And they truly don't give you enough time. You can only make it if you're the third number called in a sequence. Otherwise, you've got to take another number and pray you're at the window on time. I once missed candle lighting, trying to get a bulkie.

This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.

How was the hotel?
Expensive.

How did you afford it?
I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now.

How much was it?
Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace.

How was the hotel?
It wasn't our home. That was good.

Did you do anything on vacation?
We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home.

You hate your home that much?
When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital.

How's your wife doing now?
She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery.

What else did you do at the resort?
I ate.

Did they have other activities?
Yeah. A buffet.

You seem a lot bigger.
Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand.

What did you eat?
Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way.

Sounds like you were on a mission.
I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries.

Your kids also got bigger.
I made them eat lamb chops.

Breakfast?
Lamb chops.
One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too.

How were the Seders?
The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice.

How about yours?
Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs.

But yours... Your Seder?
We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud.
We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet.
They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat.

Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach?
We won't stay home.

What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel?
Another mortgage. We're up to three now.

What are the three mortgages for?
Pesach hotels.

Anything else?
No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean.

Was it a nice hotel at least?
It was a motel.

Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel?
They cleaned it

Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel?
It was forty-five thousand dollars.

Conclusion
People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep.
As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood.
Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him.
Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon.

To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul.
 
The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound.
A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it.
 
Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting.
 
Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah.
 
All complaints may be directed to the shul president.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night.

(Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people
You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again...
All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either...

'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night...
Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean.
Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night.
Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame...

Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance...

The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition.
The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot.
Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least.

Nobody showed up to clean the shul.
The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.'
 
Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there.
Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva.
The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half.

Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night.
 
People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.'

The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars.
 
Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do.
 
People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes.
It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz.

Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...

I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise.
I had to pay $3 for Coke.
Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed.
People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house.
My cousins came and didn't help us clean.
I started worrying about starving.
I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying.
I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids.
My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help.
I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.'
We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to.
A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food.
I shot the guy.
I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars.
I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds.
I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it.
I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year.
My house was finally a bit clean.
I still wasn't able to find anything.
We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy.
Everybody was fighting.
Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach.
I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat.
I questioned how the cost of meat went up.
I told the kids they have to clean the windows.
My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach.
I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning.
I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach.
I was happy the windows finally got cleaned.
I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody.
My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions.
I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder.
I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son.
During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions.
The kids started running around the house with their food.
I threw out my laptop, just in case.
My husband didn't help.
I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house.
When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder.
My fingers were full of cuts.
I learned cleaning is dangerous.
I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am.
I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach.
I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days.
I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach.
And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us.