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In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning. Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it. A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible. Do Not Eat the Sprays Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine. Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry. Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah. Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles. You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it. Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue. ‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches. Strong Sprays for Grease Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it. Other Uses for Shpritz If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.
Why do you go to Kosher restaurants? I go to catch Minyin. I got to baseball games, weddings, and take flights for Maariv... I believe that Minyin ruined the five-star reputation of that restaurant. Kaddish kind of killed the forshpeis for that group of girls. And I don’t know if the guy was expecting to hear he was the tenth in the middle of his soup course.
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After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser. The Half Person Speech 'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not. Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse. You Need Man and Woman 'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes. 'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis. The You Weren't Happy Speech Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.' They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling. Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.' You Were A Bachur 'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl. Bayit Ne'eman That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith. There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.' Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.' Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married. Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire. And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight. Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house. I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time. Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies. And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers. Donate Protein Bars Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.' Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach. Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started. Socks Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour. Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid. You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving. Give Money Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no. Give Money to FIDF I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization. Give Money to JNF They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though. These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea. Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees. Tzizit Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties. Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage. Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit. As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening. It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections. Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Purim Carnival Booths3/20/2024
The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival. The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet. I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands. Sock Throw Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well. This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week. Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle. This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival. Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXI3/15/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how a Frum Jew looks when vacationing, admiring Frum toilets, while David complains about children giving Tzedakah with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames that teach Mitzvot.
Bothersome. The prayer puzzles are a bit much when you’re teaching the kid the bedtime Shema and he has to do a puzzle at the same time. It’s impossible to fall asleep... The Mode Ani kid is filling up that bowl too much. There is no way he is not spilling that all over the house when he wakes up. And the true lesson is only boys have to do Mitzvahs.
A Frum tourist. That’s the look... shorts, Tzitzis out, and a baseball hat so people can’t figure out I’m Jewish. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt, Tzitzit out and a baseball hat... The shorts are a dead giveaway I'm Jewish, with the extremely white legs.
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Since the war began Jews all over the world have been trying to do their part in the effort and to support our soldiers. But 10k for a barbecue?!
The support is amazing. Thousands of volunteer and donation opportunities have developed, including babysitting my friend's child. He says nursery school in Lawrence is too much. What that has to do with Israel, I am not sure. He's extremely impressed with the Jewish community's willingness to give, and he also told me he's happy to take donations. Our soldiers have been a huge focus, as they should be. They are protecting our people, and they deserve the greatest show of support. Jewish communities around the world have taken it upon themselves to care for our Israeli military. Now the needs of our soldiers has somehow changed. The way to donate is to grill. And that costs 10k. Somehow, barbecues are now costing 10k. I get it. People want to give and we support our soldiers' protest against veganism. That's important. But 10k barbecues?! I heard the lowest donation for a BBQ is five thousand dollars, and I am simply questioning. I did research and I learned a lot. And I shall rant. Diaspora Communities Have Gotten Involved The soldiers originally needed tourniquets and chargers for cellphones. That changed once families are involved. Extended families, cousins, Jews who finally realized they're Jewish again, communities, some guy who started a nonprofit. Now they need electric grills, so volunteers have an easier time serving dinner in Gaza. Upper middle-class Jews from the Tri-state area got involved in the war, and that means you treat the Chayalim well. We pamper our soldiers. No soldier is left without decent accommodations, bedding and a ten-thousand-dollar barbie. Are 10k BBQs too much? I feel like Diaspora Jews getting involved is going to make our soldiers soft. Now we have people ensuring every Chayal gets a foot massage before going into Gaza. [Before going on, before people get mad, I know our soldiers are tough and they're not pampered by the IDF. Other than free bus rides, there are a tough crew. Now we can go on about 10k barbies...] 10K BBQs This is what got me. Are the soldiers celebrating Bar Mitzvahs? It used to be two hundred dollars. You could feed a unit for two hundred dollars. I remember, going with the family and feeding a base for two hundred dollars. Since the war started and communal care has surfaced, meal prices have gone up. Nobody wants your chicken dogs anymore. Keep your hot dogs for your pathetic family barbecue. The soldiers have become accustomed to better cuts. So, keep your ground meat unless if it's in slider form. Something has changed in the concept of war zone since the Young Israel of Cedarhurst got involved. And yes, it shocked me. Ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. I heard about this and I don't know what to think. I lived in Israel. You can feed the whole of Afula for 10k. Menachem from the Five Towns is Hyped Soldiers used to go to battle and that was it. They were happy to have proper clothing. The soldiers were asking for underwear. Why the army doesn't provide underwear is a different question. Menachem was explaining the newfound complexities of donations. Since the greater Jewish world is now involved, we don't send our soldiers to battle without a decent T-bone. To quote Menachem, ‘They're our soldiers. You treat them with respect. You don’t send soldiers out there without a steak. You don't give them a brisket. Prime rib. You go to the war, you go out fed. Prime. Five Stah. You go to the battle, you get a foot massage. It's rocky terrain. You give them a foot massage, then they go to Gaza. You make sure they see a musical. Did they see the Broadway... You bring them to New York. You donate tickets to Phantom, then they go to Lebanoan.’ To note, Menachem is taking donations. Menachem has never put on a uniform, not even to deliver mail. Menachem has never shot a gun. Menachem knows a guy whose sons friend has a buddy in the army. Menachem is now running the Israeli military; that's what he told me. He's running Tzahal and he knows they need better cookouts. He expressed that he was shocked the army doesn't provide soldiers with a rotisserie. 'Everybody in Cedarhurst has one!' Beef Jerky?! You can also donate beef jerky, just in case they missed the BBQ. I can't afford beef jerky. I believe beef jerky is the least economical food in existence. The only reason I show up to shul is the chance that some wealthy guy might be happy they had a grandchild and put out jerky. The soldiers asked for protein bars. I remember that. In the beginning it was bulletproof vests, night vision goggles and protein bars, to make sure our soldiers were well equipped. Now, we’re focusing on getting the garlic pepper and sweet and sour right. And the soldiers are not happy when it's not done right. They expect stuff now. Some South Africans insisted on biltong. One soldier wrote a letter saying the jerky was too wet. One unit head in Gaza complained jerky wasn't plated. I Wave to Soldiers Please don't tell me I don't give. I waved. I thought that was how we gave to our soldiers. I saw a tank and waved. I then said 'Kol Hakavod.' I believe I did my duty. I called that a donation. It costs less. That was satisfactory in the beginning. I would wave and bring chocolate chip cookies. That was what Israelis were doing in the beginning, to let the soldiers know we cared and to ensure we had the most out of shape army. I saw one guy giving them cigarettes. It was all a show of care and support. And blessings for health. Cookies Don't Cut It Anymore Now they don't want cookies. Now they're offended if there if the pasty is served before desert. If it's not a souffle they're offended. It's a Bar Mitzvah every day. If it doesn't come with whipped cream, who would think of such a thing. One Tzanchan commando was distraught his unit didn't have a smorgasbord; complaining, 'Who goes into Jabalia without pigs in a blanket.' I can go on for a long time about ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. One word for each dollar. It Worries Me When Families Get Too Involved in War Strategy This is what happens when mothers get involved in war. The soldiers get fed well, they get real out of shape, and their shirts get tucked in. Since when have Israeli soldiers tucked in their shirts?! Something is looking off. Since the greater Jewish community has gotten involved in the war effort and caring for the soldiers, the army has had a hard time focusing military strategy. You have soldiers being deployed and mothers ensuring they received their Ahava lotion moisturization aloe kit, worried our boys will come back with chapped skin, not fed decent home-cooked meal. Now they're focused on programs like lox for breakfast day. The IDF has turned into a Hadassah Brunch. I say we go back to asking the soldiers what they need. And I believe their answer will be barbecues, beef jerky, and foot massages. Whatever you do, I am sure the soldiers appreciate it. All said and done. Our soldiers deserve 10k barbecues and a conversation with Menachem before going out to war. And please know, as an Israeli citizen, I understand the fear of ending up with a Mangal. It's a huge letdown when you think you're showing up to a barbecue, and then you find this tiny matchbox sized grill with half a chicken dog on it. And please note that I donated some underwear I hadn't used in a while. If you're fine foreclosing on your home and would like to donate, go to grillingforisrael.com or unitedwithisrael.org. I am sure Friends of IDF also does BBQs... Todah Rabbah LGiborim Shelanu The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Dear Lone Soldier...
This is our war. Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for running away from your parents. I get it. I see them in shul. They're annoying. You are Nachis to so many people. And to your parents as well. Even though you left them. As I bring you this ode from a man who didn't serve in Tzahal, let us focus on the Nachis you bring. Lone soldiers, you bring such Nachis to your parents. American parents Nachiskate how their children are in the IDF. The only Nachis my parents got when I moved to Israel was telling people, 'Our son made Aliyah and he asks us for money. That's our kid. He lives in an apartment in Jerusalem we paid for.' You did it of your own volition. You didn't have the mandatory service requirement. You didn't have to become a citizen, but you did it. That word 'citizen' scares me. Anything with citizen in it, I run. I don’t want to pay more taxes. I've suffered enough for the Jewish people. I have been asked to join shul committees. And I am sure your parents have been on the committees. These young people who move to Israel and join the army, they see a future of good for the Jewish people. They see hope. They never served on a shul board. They never had to deal with a committee. They can make decisions and get stuff done. You are Nachis to so many board members who discuss if you should be recognized for your service in the shul bulletin. Board members who have to decide if they should honor you or a local community member who bought Israel Bonds and knows people who will donate in their name. Board members that decided you shouldn't be honored. A board that decided you won't bring in enough money. You chose to serve your people. When all other kids your age in America are at college drinking as much as they can, you decided to serve in the Israeli army drinking as much as you can. You are Nachis to so many soldiers in our IDF that smoke too. You are brave. The extent that you were willing to go to not have to see your parents, it's commendable. In my parents' generation, kids used to run away to join the circus. You joined the army. You ran off to defend our people. I tried running away at 19, but then I saw a bus coming. I was not ready for public transportation. I ran back home. My parents were able to drive me places. I was not raised with public transit abilities. The prospect of having to hold onto a railing while in motion was not for me. My middle class Jewish upbringing did not make for me interacting with strangers during travel. You are Nachis to your parents who are proud of their child who is not afraid to use Egged. You don't even speak Hebrew. You joined an army where you don't know the language. Your Jewish Day School experience didn't set you up for this. When they taught you Hebrew, they thought you might end up needing to interact with Jews in South America. They didn't think Tzahal. You are Nachis and you don't even know what it means. You were adopted and you didn't tell your parents. That's a stinger. You were adopted by a family in Israel who gives you an eight-inch-wide bed for only seven hundred dollars a month, to use once every six Shabbats. And now you sleep head to toe with a kid you're not related to. You are Nachis to the people that adopted you for $700 a month. The way they sometimes kick the youngest out of the mattress of centimeter thickness for you to sleep on Shabbat once every month and a half shows pride. You left your family, and the army decided it was a good idea to constantly remind you that you're alone, a lone soldier. They thought a daily reminder about how you're missing your family would be a good help when thinking about your parents. You were brave enough to make friends when you were all alone. You were branded alone, and you still made friends. You sucked it up and made friends, as lonely as you are. You realized that there are thousands of other lone soldiers. And you became lonely together. Now you're with thousands of people and still lonely. A lone soldier. All alone. You even made Israeli friends, and you can now drink and sing karaoke in Hebrew. And you still have no idea what is going on. Maybe we should change it to soldiers with friends. That sounds less depressing. I made Aliyah and I was alone. I didn't do the army. I was a lone citizen. I was just called an Oleh. It should be lone Oleh and popular soldier with friends. You are Nachis to all the people who love you, even though you are alone. A lone person with friends. The Mitzvahs you do are amazing. Saving lives is a such a Mitzvah. And then honoring your parents by allowing them to Nachiskate at Kiddish about how their child is saving the Jewish people in secret ops. Personally, I wouldn't lie to my parents. I would've told my parents I was cooking Mana Chama on guard duty. But you make them proud, and you speak a better Hebrew than anybody else that came out of Torah Academy Day School. You are Nachis to your parents who still won't move to Israel. You love Mana Chama. And Mana Chama loves you. You are Nachis to chicken flavored noodles. I am not that brave. But I can thank you. Thank you. Todah Rabbah, if you know what that means. Postscript: This Ode is self-serving. I need it. I need it because I feel guilty. And the best way to deal with guilt is to throw it on others. In my heart, I am with you, but we all know what that means. It means I am not there. It means I am relaxing in America right now and going out for ice cream later. Good, fatty American ice cream. I am not on the front lines with our brothers and sisters in this constant battle for Shalom and good in our world. You are alone, lone and a loser, and we appreciate all you do for our people. As long as you remember that you're alone. 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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXX2/14/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.
‘Encyclopedia.’ That doesn’t seem like a fun game... No. Learning can’t be fun. There’s a reason Encyclopedias don’t make boardgames. I’m starting to think these Israeli boardgames are tricky ways to get Frum kids to study. With games like ‘Torah and Commentary’ no wonder some kids don’t have decent aerobic conditioning... And that kid sitting on the top of a world of Trivia Pursuit cards looks off. No child enjoys reading that much.
The card game of Mitzvot between man and man. My friend didn’t let me win the game. Which is why he lost. He treated me wrong. That’s the tricky part of the game. You win when you lose... I question if teaching kids card games is a good way teach how to not take advantage of other people. I don't think charging five dollars for a deck of cards helps either.
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I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.
How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday? Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious? ‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)? Why is your dog by the tree right now? Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth? Are you serious? No. Really. Are you serious? Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke. Why do plastic forks and knives always break? Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well? Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question? Why is everybody looking at me right now? Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees? Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder? Did I show up to the wrong Seder? Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this? Are we helping the environment? Why is my stomach killing? Do trees get stomach aches? The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit? Why do are we eating dried fruit? Is the dried fruit new? Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not? Did they dry the apricots yesterday? Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them. Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew? What are loquats? Why were they not dry? Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open. Why am I calling it the shuk? Is this not a Jewish holiday? It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit? Do oranges grow here? Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow. Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd? Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week? Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday? No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday? Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it? Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul? Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew? Is it religiously fine to care about people? Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense? Is it OK if I excuse myself again? Why is my stomach still killing? Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people.
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. It is the Israeli Defense Forces You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt. I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.' I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours. I Studied Social Work My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem. Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts. I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble. I Get Scared When Israelis Talk The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs. I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with. My Hebrew is Bad Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty. Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts. I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself. Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift. I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on. Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target. I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal. Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally. Till then, Israel is a safer place. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you. Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me. I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back. Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway. I am Out of Shape After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz. If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. I Would Look Like a Reservist I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more. When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance. Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with. Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic. Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander. I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat. Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments I am old. All I do is express my political opinions. I am American Born of Very European White Tint Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine. I am American You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started. I Don’t Smoke The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running. Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign. I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause. There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures. Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Shnurer is the bedrock of the Jewish community. The beggar who has a right to your money. The Shnurer is there to remind you that you must give Tzedakah.
Tzedakah means charity. You probably don't know that. The one Hebrew word you don't know. Yet, the Shnurer reminds you. At shul, at your office, at your home, they are there to remind you. They will find you. And they will find a way to get your money. In the middle of Davening, they will find a way to get your money. While you're deep in meditation, they will find a way. They will stand right there, shaking handful of change and a credit card machine. It may be offsetting to see these people begging, who definitely have more money than you. Yet, it is our obligation to give them money. It's their living. Enough about the Shnurer. Here are a couple of Shnurer jokes we stole, to talk more about the Shnurer. The Guys Working Together You put an American in the mix. Americans don't understand Chutzpah. You throw them into Israel or any society where people interact, and you have a joke. My father A"H used to tell this joke. He told it better than me. Maybe you can punctuate it better the punchline I can. The Joke: An American is walking in the Old City of Jerusalem and one guy asks him very nicely for some Tzedakah. He gives him a bit. As the American keeps walking, another guy starts to hound him for money. He starts yelling at him, 'You heretic. Walking in your new sneakers. Probably not willing to give any charity. You should be ashamed of yourself. Only giving pettiness... You call that, what you gave, Tzedakah. Shame on you!!!' The American gives the guy a shekel and goes back to the first guy and gives him a twenty dollar bill. The American goes back to the guy who was yelling at him and says, 'You should be more like that guy. That's how you get Tzedakah.' The yelling Shnurer turns to the first Shnurer, 'Shloimy. Look who's telling us how to run our business.' So many Shnurers. They all have the same name. Always called Shnurer. Except Shloimy. The Shnurer in America I heard this one in shul. Anything told to you that disrupts the cantor's repetition of the Amidah is good. At least you're not paying attention to the prayer, and you're disturbing services. It makes a Jewish joke more enjoyable. The Joke: A Shnurer visiting America is knocking on doors, going to shuls, showing up by people's hospital beds. He's doing anything to get money. He sees this man, Schwartz, and gives him the whole shpiel: 'I'm raising money for my family. A single dad of fifteen kids. How poor we are. We're trying to make it in Israel. My wife died. It is just me, raising eight children. We have nothing. We Live in rubble. My child is missing a leg. Oh Jerusalem. How I mourn my poverty.' Feeling bad, Schwartz gives the Shnurer two thousand dollars. A few months later, Schwartz is in Jerusalem. Walking around the Old City he sees the Shnurer. He follows him to his house. He looks through the window and sees children running around in a beautiful home, laughing. A huge Shabbat table with guests. A chandelier fit for a Jew in Boro Park. A view of the Kotel. The wealth is abundant. He knocks on the door and the Shnurer invites Schwartz in. In a state of shock Schwartz asks the Shnurer, 'What is all of this about?! You have so much Bracha. You lied to me.' The Shnurer turns to him, 'What? It should bother you my wife is alive.' Jerusalem really adds a sense of holiness to a Jewish joke. Also, add in a Yiddish word like 'shpiel' and it's a more Jewish joke. Why the Shnurer answered the door, that part makes no sense. Any Shnurer should know you don't answer the door, or somebody will ask for something. Alternative Ending: Shnurer asks Schwartz if he needs any money. Conclusion We need the Shnurers. Otherwise, you would give money without feeling guilty. And you would only give to poor people. Without the Shnurer, you would be able to go to shul and focus on prayers. Or jokes. Always tell jokes in the middle of Davening. It's funnier when it disturbs people's Kavanah. It's always good to add Schwartz as a name in a Jewish joke. It sounds more antisemitic that way. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The rally in Washington last month was an amazing experience and show of unity. Looking back at some of the pictures from the rally, I was reminded of the signs of support.
It’s rare that we get a chance to unify as Jewish people in support of our nation. This was the time. Those who didn't show up should feel bad. Especially those people from Detroit who got stuck in the airport, due to bus drivers refusing to take them to the pro-Israel rally. When you go to a rally, you bring signs. And when there is unity, you make signs. Hopefully with glitter. Glitter makes signs more exciting, and it brings bedazzled people together. Here are some of the sings I saw: Defeat Terror It's good to know these people were not pro-terror. I didn't see a sign saying 'Terror. We Support You.' I don't believe anybody was holding up a 'Terror. We miss you.' This wasn't a pro-Palestinian rally in England or Australia. No Ivy League was willing to host the event. Pro Peace. Anti Hamas. Pro Israel. Anti Bibi! If I was them, I would've just had a sign, 'I hate Bibi.' That would've made the point stronger. Truth is, I think they were yelling, 'I hate Bibi.' That should've probably been the sign. Not everybody has time to make signs for everything they want to say. Is Bibi part of Hamas? I am trying to figure out what the sign is truly trying to convey. America Stands with Israel That's good to know. That made me happy to see. At least one Jewish American stands with our people in Israel. Come to think of it. I think it was an Israeli holding that sign. Wishful thinking. Cleveland Stands with Israel There was a lot of standing. At a rally, you want to stand. All the people with signs were standing with something. I saw one or two people sitting. They weren't holding signs. I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a clean toilet anywhere in Washington DC?! That wasn't a sign. That was me yelling. I needed anything other than a porta-potty. They're disgusting. I should be complaining to the organizers. If you're going to run a rally properly, you should have built in bathrooms. You budget. Thank You Israel for Fighting Terror That was held up by a group of people that insisted they were not willing to help. Somebody held up that sign on a college campus and was attacked. No Israelis were around. Free Hostages. Support Israel. Combat Terror! I think he got in the important points, while repurposing the word 'free.' I hope they don't get sued by the Palestinians. I had to stop a guy who got angry when he saw the word 'free.' He came at them yelling, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' I pulled that guy aside and told him he was too loud, and he should've made a sign saying, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' The only thing they left out of that sign is how much they hate Bibi. Let Israel Finish the Job Some people get in the way of hard-working people. That is just plain rude. From the River to the Sea, Israel Will always Be Free. Many Americans claimed this was a ploy to try to get better bargains in Israel. Very confusing. I think this one was pro-Israel as well. Cleveland. Stronger Than Hate . I couldn't tell you. I don't live there. I don't know how much people in Cleveland hate each other. America makes fun of Cleveland. We don't hate it. I can understand the insecurity. I am still worried it won't bring tourists to Ohio. There must've been a heart on that sign. I just wish it was bigger. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. I think Detroit is stronger than hate. Detroit is a very strong word. It sounds stronger than Cleveland. Signs I Would Have Liked to Have Seen Israel. What a Country. We love people. We even love Jews. I think this one would've caused a lot of controversy on college campuses. New York Loves Israel. I know people from New York were there. They just didn't let people know they love Israel. I'm worried people thought that all the New Yorkers at the pro-Israel rally were there to protest Israel. Maybe they assumed that the Yarmulke is like a pro-Israel sign. To me, if you're not holding it up, it's not a sign. One guy was wearing it. That wasn't a sign. That was an A-frame. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Everybody loves Cyndi Lauper. I figure. If they love Cyndi, they'll love Israel. Associative rallying. We could've also had sings up saying 'Ice cream is great. And So is Israel.' That would've drawn support for the homeland. Rochester New York Showed Up. Sometimes you just want to be noticed. Jews Make Better Hummus. Sometimes you have to hit back hard. And then there were signs for the hostages who were kidnapped, who we are still fighting to bring home. There were signs saying 'Bring Them Home,' as we chanted it together. One or two people had signs saying, 'Let My People Go.' Even though they got the rally confused with Pesach, as they saw a lot of Jews, they meant well. There's no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. It was heartwarming to see so many amazing signs of support at the rally. I personally didn't bring one. My arms get too tired to support Israel. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVIII12/9/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to support for Israel by wearing Tzizit or a flag, and the joy of lighting Chanukah candles within the reach of babies, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about chocolate covered coins that everybody else likes.
Wearing Israeli flags. Showing their support for Israel at the rally in DC. It would’ve been smarter if they brought coats. Based on my experience as a Zionist, flags don’t work as good windbreakers... Now looking at it. All the people with jackets don't truly care. The real supporters of Israel don't need coats.
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It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share. The 2am Trip The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep. I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses. I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. So Many People In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources. The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers. It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’ The Signs There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. People Wearing Israeli Flags People were wearing flags throughout the Mall. This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets. A Lot of People Taking Pictures Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist. Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X. I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture. Tons of New Yorkers Showed So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud. Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home' It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages. Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.' Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel I didn't expect that. I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally. One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel. I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much I was in the rally spirit. It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation. I clapped at times I want to take back right now: The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people. 'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do. 'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment. The Loud Speech Clap Ender They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding. Am Yisrael Chai I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah. That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping. It Was Very Peaceful There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America. I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me. And no counter-protesters got hurt. We Thanked the Security and the Police At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer. The Singers Were Amazing It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags. The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi. And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair. It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer. Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break. At that point, I really needed to go. It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York. Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping. 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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVII11/22/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the pain and Yachdut of last month, as David finds a way to make solidarity of the children of Israel with the soldiers something not positive, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for reminding us how much people hate us.
Cars everywhere. The reserves are called up, and the Israeli heroes show for duty. And they got parking tickets. Note: This last part is a joke. The police haven’t given out tickets to the reservists around the country. It’s not like they’re parking in Jerusalem. (sometimes you get into trouble when you don’t tell people that a joke is a joke- next time I'll give people advice on where to steal cars- I'll get into less trouble)
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Here are some brilliant Pallywood scenes. Before sharing some of the brilliantly written individual performances, I want to say that I do feel bad for all of those who have suffered staged death, and are not in the scene anymore. As seen in Days of Our Lives, it's hard for an actor to be out of work. My heartfelt condolences. [Please know that I truly do mourn for all of those who have suffered, and I do pray for all of the souls that have been taken from us in our Olam.]
Be them films from Syria, Egypt, Detroit, or some video from a family reunion repurposed to share death that didn't happen, they are brilliantly funny and I commend people for finding ways to blame Israel for these attacks on moving dead people. Here are some of the scenes I have seen of moving dead people. Thirsty Dead People One dead guy needed a drink. He flipped off his sheet, reaches for a Coke, thanks his friend and is still dead, while requesting shawarma for dinner. Jittery Dead Guy One dead guy who had to scratch himself. He had an itch. I'm watching this, asking, 'Did the dead guy just scratch himself and request a drink?! Brilliant!!!' Note: It's wrong to laugh at people who are dead with a parched throat and an itch they can't reach. Torture. Frightened Dead Guy Runs One guy was under a sheet, laying there, dead, and then he got frightened, threw off the sheet and took off. But he was dead. The people of Gaza reported it. The dead guy was running. I know it's wrong to mock dead people who have to flee. Something has to go terribly wrong for a dead guy to sprint. The extent of the Israeli evil, to even get a dead guy to run, one can only imagine. Miracles do happen. They were in the middle of the funeral, carrying the stretcher. They dropped the stretcher, and you see a dead guy jump up from under the sheet, and run. How? Miracles. He was frightened, and bam, he was out of there. And to think they were going to bury him in jeans and Nikes. A polo shirt. I believe that is wrong. Not a respectable way to bury someone. However, it is good he had on his sneakers, allowing him to take off. And now the dead guy is laid up in bed with a back sprain. One Should Not Argue with Staged Death It’s offensive, and you will be cancelled. The great thing about Pallywood is you have to know your audience. The Palestinians and BDS supporters are ensuring the college students are not offended. To support choice of those who have been staged dead, who have rights too, they have argued on their behalf, 'You are dead if you identify as dead. And to tell somebody that is drinking at a cafe that they are not dead is offensive. And wrong.' It's wrong to laugh at moving dead people. And Biden shouldn't be questioning the numbers of reported deaths. That running dead guy passed away six times last week. And then he had to have dinner with his family. Nobody should know of such things. At least the news syndicates have proper respect for these actors and their craft, and report them as part of the death toll. I believe the staged death toll is up to 400,000. They should live and be well. Next time we’ll discuss behind of the scenes of the brilliantly staged deaths, along with child actors of Pallywood. I’ve got to work on my acting skills, or I’ll never make it in Pallywood. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned.
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry. The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do. Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important. Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel. Worry Worrying is very important. Worry About Any Noise All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us. We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash. The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house. Pray A Lot A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it. Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management. Look at Your Phone Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good. Share Videos of Love For Israel Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again. If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.' Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. Kindness The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on. The kindness is never ending. Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’ It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping. Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart. Share Stuff on Social Media Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping. What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ Send Go Fund Mes to Other People Without having donated yourself. Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff. Going Out Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing. I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort. Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch. All the stories are so touching. Baking For Soldiers Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers. Cook The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza. Drawing If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. Donating Blood You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more. Try to Volunteer Good luck. You're competing with too many people. Do Not Pay Anybody Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck. Ask People How They Are Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.' Tell People to 'Stay Safe' If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life. Respond Positively to All Questions To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.' Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK. Protest If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel. There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week. I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVI10/5/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.
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It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.
The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying I will not eat chocolate. I will not chew with my mouth open. I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here. I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe. I will appreciate other people more. I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them. I will be honest in business. I will get ripped off by everybody. I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. I will not make vows. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground. It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate. I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva. I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again. The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money... I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise. I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise. I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it. I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right. I will learn what "Amen" means. I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida. I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie. I will learn more Torah. I will do it if You give me more money. If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate. Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long. I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter. I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays. I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now. If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody. I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one. I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur. Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXV9/1/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.
The JNF Tzedakah box. One of Israel’s artifacts. The foundation of Israel fundraising. The Jewish National Fund as been doing it for well over fifty years. They were already finding ways to extort money from your child in the first grade then... This is why kids were asking parents for money in the 40s too. (photo: collection of Avraham Goren- in the Forward
What your kid bought at the canteen when the camp gave them a tab. They did give your child the salad bar option. Yet, your child chose this... How your child came back from sports camp fifteen pounds heavier... Why camp cost you an extra 2K. How you went broke, sending your kid away for three weeks… What allowing a nine-year-old to have a tab can do. (photo: Incase/Flickr)
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIV8/8/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.
The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah... Something is off with this scene. Are they just killing people?! Does Caeser with his red shawl notice? Even he's a bit surprised there, looking around at the barbaric people. 'I just told them to take over the Temple. I didn't tell them stab the guy lighting the Menorah.' Either that, or he's trying very hard to protect the shawl. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
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How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these. Change Your Number Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you. Change Your Address Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work. Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere. Change Your Last Name Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them. Lose Your Job People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account. Say You're Single That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness. Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out. Join Another Sect Chabad will still find you. Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money They will tell you that you still have to tithe. Go to Olam Haba My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation. They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues. I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you. The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money. Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
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4/9/2024
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