It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share.
 
The 2am Trip
The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep.
I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses.
I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. 

So Many People
In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources.
The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers.
It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’

The Signs
There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody.
So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit.

People Wearing Israeli Flags
People were wearing flags throughout the Mall.  This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets.

A Lot of People Taking Pictures
Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist.
Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X.
I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture.

Tons of New Yorkers Showed
So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud.
 
Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home'
It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages.
Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.'

Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel
I didn't expect that.
I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally.
One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel.

I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much
I was in the rally spirit.
It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation.
I clapped at times I want to take back right now:
The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people.
'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do.
'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment.

The Loud Speech Clap Ender
They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding.

Am Yisrael Chai
I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah.
That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping.
 
It Was Very Peaceful
There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America.
I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me.
And no counter-protesters got hurt.

We Thanked the Security and the Police
At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer.

The Singers Were Amazing
It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags.
The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi.
And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair.
It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer.

Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back
I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break.
At that point, I really needed to go.

It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York.
Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the pain and Yachdut of last month, as David finds a way to make solidarity of the children of Israel with the soldiers something not positive, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for reminding us how much people hate us.

Here are some brilliant Pallywood scenes. Before sharing some of the brilliantly written individual performances, I want to say that I do feel bad for all of those who have suffered staged death, and are not in the scene anymore. As seen in Days of Our Lives, it's hard for an actor to be out of work. My heartfelt condolences. [Please know that I truly do mourn for all of those who have suffered, and I do pray for all of the souls that have been taken from us in our Olam.]
Be them films from Syria, Egypt, Detroit, or some video from a family reunion repurposed to share death that didn't happen, they are brilliantly funny and I commend people for finding ways to blame Israel for these attacks on moving dead people.
Here are some of the scenes I have seen of moving dead people.

Thirsty Dead People
One dead guy needed a drink. He flipped off his sheet, reaches for a Coke, thanks his friend and is still dead, while requesting shawarma for dinner. 

Jittery Dead Guy
One dead guy who had to scratch himself. He had an itch.
I'm watching this, asking, 'Did the dead guy just scratch himself and request a drink?! Brilliant!!!'
Note: It's wrong to laugh at people who are dead with a parched throat and an itch they can't reach. Torture.

Frightened Dead Guy Runs
One guy was under a sheet, laying there, dead, and then he got frightened, threw off the sheet and took off. But he was dead. The people of Gaza reported it.
The dead guy was running. I know it's wrong to mock dead people who have to flee. Something has to go terribly wrong for a dead guy to sprint. The extent of the Israeli evil, to even get a dead guy to run, one can only imagine.
Miracles do happen. They were in the middle of the funeral, carrying the stretcher. They dropped the stretcher, and you see a dead guy jump up from under the sheet, and run. How? Miracles. He was frightened, and bam, he was out of there. And to think they were going to bury him in jeans and Nikes. A polo shirt. I believe that is wrong. Not a respectable way to bury someone. However, it is good he had on his sneakers, allowing him to take off.
And now the dead guy is laid up in bed with a back sprain.

One Should Not Argue with Staged Death
It’s offensive, and you will be cancelled.
The great thing about Pallywood is you have to know your audience. The Palestinians and BDS supporters are ensuring the college students are not offended. To support choice of those who have been staged dead, who have rights too, they have argued on their behalf, 'You are dead if you identify as dead. And to tell somebody that is drinking at a cafe that they are not dead is offensive. And wrong.'
It's wrong to laugh at moving dead people. And Biden shouldn't be questioning the numbers of reported deaths. That running dead guy passed away six times last week. And then he had to have dinner with his family. Nobody should know of such things.
At least the news syndicates have proper respect for these actors and their craft, and report them as part of the death toll. I believe the staged death toll is up to 400,000. They should live and be well.

Next time we’ll discuss behind of the scenes of the brilliantly staged deaths, along with child actors of Pallywood.
I’ve got to work on my acting skills, or I’ll never make it in Pallywood.

I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned. 
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry.
The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do.

Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page
This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important.
Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel.
 
Worry
Worrying is very important.
 
Worry About Any Noise
All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us.
We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash.
The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house.

Pray A Lot
A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it.
Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management.

Look at Your Phone
Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. 
Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good.

Share Videos of Love For Israel
Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again.

If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care
To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.'
Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. 

Kindness
The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on.
The kindness is never ending.
 
Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’
It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping.
Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart.

Share Stuff on Social Media
Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping.
What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’

Send Go Fund Mes to Other People
Without having donated yourself.
Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff.

Going Out
Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing.
I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort.

Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives
Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch.
All the stories are so touching.

Baking For Soldiers
Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers.

Cook
The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. 
Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza.

Drawing
If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. 
Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. 

Donating Blood
You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more.

Try to Volunteer
Good luck. You're competing with too many people.

Do Not Pay Anybody
Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. 
I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck.

Ask People How They Are
Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.'

Tell People to 'Stay Safe'
If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life.

Respond Positively to All Questions
To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.'
Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK.

Protest
If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel.

There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week.
I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad.

***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.

It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.

The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying
I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not chew with my mouth open.
I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal.
I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli.
I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here.
I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe.
I will appreciate other people more.
I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them.
I will be honest in business.
I will get ripped off by everybody.
I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not make vows.
I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year.
We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground.
It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate.
I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva.
I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again.

The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise 
You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money...
I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise.
I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise.
I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it.
I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right.
I will learn what "Amen" means.
I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida.
I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie.
I will learn more Torah.
I will do it if You give me more money.
If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate.

Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long
I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long.
I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter.
I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays.
I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now.
If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.
I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one.
I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur.

​Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it.

Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve:
 
Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate
I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa.
I will not eat chocolate.
I will not eat cake.
I will not eat.
I will purchase a gym membership.
I will take off weight.
I will not show up to the gym.
I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month.
I will put on weight this year.
I will try to not eat chocolate.
 
The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something
I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request.
I will not work harder.
I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult.
I will wear a suit and a tie.
I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt.
My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep.
It will not happen.
I will find a friend who says, "You go girl."
I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money.
I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them.
I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate.
 
The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time"
I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year.
I will go on more trips.
I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India.
I will go for me, without my kids.
I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too.
I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me.
I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born.
I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day.
I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi.
I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time."
I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle.
I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia.

Conclusion
Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate.

If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year.
I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.

How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these.

Change Your Number
Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you.

Change Your Address
Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work.
Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere.

Change Your Last Name
Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them.

Lose Your Job
People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account.

Say You're Single
That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness.
Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out.

Join Another Sect
Chabad will still find you.

Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money
They will tell you that you still have to tithe.

Go to Olam Haba
My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation.
They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues.
I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you.

The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money.
Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews.

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.

I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful.
Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor.

What We Give Them is Wrong
It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots.
No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice.
One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika.
It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules.

I Didn't Know What It Was
I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots.

Give Real Food
I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children.

It's a Setup
And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.'
And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong.

This isn't Charity
If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice.
Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there.

Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can
One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home?

Ways to Practice Charity
If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake.
The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time.
Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots.

All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can.
​Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup.

The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis.
People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous.
If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know.

The Arm Raise
Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention.
Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning.
We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate.

Arm Raise Hand Open Close
This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance.
 
The Chest Bounce
Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured.
 
Huddle Jump
Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get.
 
The Solo Jump Around
Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form.
This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit.
 
Arm Interlocked Twirl Around
Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle.
 
The Hand-in-Hand Spin
Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes.
 
The Airplane
Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people.
Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded.
 
The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders
This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall.

The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick
A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head.
Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter.

The Rebbe Approach
This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you.
That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad.

Final Note of Safety
Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing.
Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt.
I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe.
Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher.

Here is a List of Jewish Foods & Other Stuff That Deli Made Amazing-Inspired by Lenny Bruce’s Jewish-Goyish
This will help you understand a bit of what makes delis our tradition.

Pizza is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers liked in the 1980s is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers only knew about in the 1990s is not Jewish. Burritos are not Jewish. Sushi is Goyish, even if they serve it as Simchas. Pigs in a blanket are Jewish. Pickles are Jewish. Jalapenos are Goyish. They burn your mouth. Sephardic food is Goyish, even if Jews have been eating it for 4,000 years. Olives are almost Jewish. Whitefish is Jewish. Herring is Jewish. Sauerkraut is Jewish. Food you can spell is Goyish. American food is Goyish. European food is Jewish. Coleslaw is Jewish. Cabbage is Goyish. Cabbage wrapped around ground beef and rice is Jewish. Stuffed derma is Jewish. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't eat it. It's Jewish. Derma is disgusting. Goyish. Stuffed Derma is for Jews. Salad is Goyish. Salatim are almost Jewish. Jewish eat them. Knishes are Jewish. Perogies are mostly Jewish. They are also not healthy. Barakas are Middle Eastern. I am not sure if it is Jewish yet. Food made with potato is Jewish. Food made with cantaloupe is Goyish. Melon is Goyish. Cranberries are Goyish. Cranberry in jelly form is Jewish. You can make cranberry sauce from that. All deli is Jewish. Deli wrap is heresy. Football is Goyish. Golf is Goyish. Owning a football team is Jewish. Baseball is Jewish when Hank Greenberg is playing. Basketball is Jewish in Israel. Deli sandwich is Jewish. Rye bread is Jewish. Club is Jewish. Baguette is Jewish because it holds deli well. Pumpernickel is Goyish. Turkey is Goyish. Turkey-pastrami is Jewish. Israel is Jewish. Florida is Jewish. Los Angeles is Goyish. Hollywood is Goyish, if you're a heretic. New York is very Jewish. Cel-Ray is Jewish. Black Cherry Soda is Jewish. Cherry Soda is Goyish. Any soda that was made by a doctor is Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Shul is Jewish. Synagogue is mostly Jewish. Picture from the 1920s is Jewish. Picture from the 1950s is Jewish. Picture from the 1990s is Goyish. Steakhouse is Goyish. Smokehouse is not Jewish. Deli is Jewish.
Anything deli is Jewish. Choolante is Jewish. Potato kugel is Jewish. Anything with a lot of oil is Jewish. Sponge cake is Jewish. Anything that needs schnapps to taste decent is Jewish. Herring is very Jewish. Sardines are acceptably Jewish. I just found out about the Middle Eastern diet. People are losing weight with it. Falafel and Barakas are Goyish.

An ode is meant to be sung, and I sing for the kosher deli. I sing. And I continue to sing. Let me sing more for you about what makes the deli great.

Menus 
A whole menu that is not FDA approved. That is Jewish and I love it.
 
Wait Staff
The only place in America where nepotism still lives. That is how strong tradition is in the deli.
I asked, 'Can I speak to the owner?' They said, 'My dad will be right out.' I heard them go to the back and yell, 'A customer wants to complain,' Warning their dad that there was a Jewish customer in the kosher deli. Kibud Av vEim. Working and honoring your parents at the same time. Love it.
 
Batampte and Mother’s Are Old
The branding looks old. Pictures of Jewish mothers from the 1930s, in apron, and Biblical writing in English on the package. It reminds you where Jewish life started. The Lower East Side. With Yankel and Moishele.
Like the Torah, the deli doesn’t change with time. Abraham was probably eating a corned beef sandwich on rye. There is no picture to prove that. However, there is proof that he did like tongue. And his descendants wore derby hats in the early 1900s.
Mother’s on packages. A brand named after my mom. Thank you for giving her that respect.
 
My Mother
My mother makes that same food. Hence, the brand named after her. This guy gives it to me and doesn’t tell me how heavy I am getting. I am willing to pay extra for that.

Old is Beautiful
It looks old. That is tradition. In a world of plastic surgery and everybody searching for the fountain of youth, the deli is the only place you can go where looking old is praised. You walk into a deli for a meal, you've aged two years. Old is beautiful and the deli represents that.
Delis age you. Eat lunch in a deli for ten years, you'll be thirty years older. I know the math doesn't work. I believe it's the strength of the stench that hits you the first day. It has a greater effect on your old Jewish person smell.
 
More Love for Deli
There is so much more about the deli. By that, I mean food. The next time I will bring you all the deli foods we love. All the different forms of brisket, pastrami and soda made out of vegetables.
The deli is our tradition. It is the connection with the past. Our connection to Abraham. The tradition passed on from generation to generation of saturated fats. The tradition of eating in a living room that has not been cleaned. For this, the deli that we love, the place that says old is beautiful and pastrami smells good, I will fight to keep it alive.
This is why we need more kosher delis. I hope I did my part on behalf of the Jewish community.

​BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk.

Act
The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves.

Problem
a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle.
b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go.
The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. 
c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves.
d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim.
e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest.
g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’
h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then.
i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality.
j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids.

Solution
a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic.
b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. 
c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic.
d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech.
e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. 
f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic.
g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other.
h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.'

When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day. 
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people.
Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester.

​Eat Fast
​Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast.
The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster.

Don't Talk
I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is.

Use Two Plates
Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables.

All Courses Are Meat
Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat.
Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat.

Bring Dessert for the Table
​I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique.
You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it.
Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food.
Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well.

There Are Other People
They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this.
Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that.

Take Food with You
You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. 
You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child.
For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. 
That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. 

​It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now.
Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante.

From Pesach to Lag BOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer count, it is a custom to be in partial mourning. For this reason, people do not get haircuts, and many do not shave. Now, after the five weeks of no cutting from Pesach till Lag Bomer, for many Jews it is male haircut and shaving season. These are the shaving and cutting traditions and styles of Lag Bomer that you will see.
Please know, we will focus on men, as women get haircuts that look good.
 
The Number 2
This style is popular in Israel. The haircut is done by a barber who takes clippers and runs them over your head. After sitting there for a minute, the barber is done. The barber then makes it look professional by brushing the hair off the apron, and charges you twenty dollars.
The first time I got the Number 2, upon my Aliyah (move to Israel), I was crying. I told him, 'Number 2 is not a style.' I was wrong. The barber that cut my hair said it was. The barber then took the mirror and showed me the back of my head. He wanted to see me cry more.
As I left the barber shop, tears flowing down my face, I noticed a whole neighborhood of other people with shapeless hair. So, I know it is a Lag BOmer style. Possibly created in fear that there will be more mourning and months without haircuts. Some of the others might have got the Number 1. I am not sure.

The Number 6
When the barber puts clippers to your hair on the number six setting and cuts nothing off your head.
The Number 6 is an Israeli hairstyle, similar to the Number 2 hairdo. With the Number 6 though, the barber doesn't ruin your previous haircut..
 
The Grow Long
You do not get a haircut. This is a good money saving hairstyle. The Grow Long is for people who got used to not cutting or shaving, embracing the new lifestyle of relaxation and unemployment.
The Grow Long doesn’t work for balding men, like myself. That turns into the Ben Gurion look. And that leads to unemployment too.

Messy Hair
Started with Party of Five, this look has caught on amongst the young generation who doesn’t tuck in their shirts, shine their shoes, or have aspirations.
Due to Bitul Torah (time not spent learning Torah), this doo has become quite popular.
 
The Do It Yourself
This is also similar to the Number 2, just that the hairline on the back of the neck is crooked. I started doing this after I got a Number 2. I figured that I had the ability to move something from one side of my scalp to the other and charge for it.

The Head Covering Look
The big Kippah look is something you will see at this time of year. Many people get carried away with the shave cut, especially with the Do It Yourself. For this reason, and the Grow Long Gurion look, Kippahs become bigger. The baseball hat look is also very popular at this time of year, right after the haircuts.
 
The Side Shave 2
The side gets cut, but nothing is done to the top. This style started when a barber got lazy, put down the clippers and said, 'That’s enough…I’ve been working too hard.' At that point, when half the job was done and all the hair on top was still there, the barber told the person in the chair, 'This is the new style.' Now all the kids are doing it, calling it the Fade. For those who don’t know, saying 'that is the new style' is how all new styles start.
Got to leave the 2 on the clippers for the Payot (sideburns). You can make the religious look sound cool by telling people, 'It is the I got the haircut three weeks ago Fade look.'
 
The Step
That went out in the 1980s. Yet, it comes back every year at Lag BOmer.
The Step was a mistake. Similar to the Side Shave, the barber however doesn’t take the time to fix the error of undercutting the guy’s hair.
 
The Bald
This is the look that Ashkenazik men above the age of forty go for.

Though it is popular, the Male Hair Bun and Beard will not be seen when people go for their Lag BOmer shave. If anybody is going for the hair bun or Herzl look, this article is not relevant. Just let the hair grow and embrace heresy.

The deli is American Jewish tradition. In American Jewish tradition, all Jews come from Europe. That’s the only place Jews come from. Deli is the only true Jewish food. Even turkey-pastrami has a certain amount of guilt that it feels from the time it was cut from the body and cured.
Ever since Jewish life opened to other countries, people started eating falafel and shwarma, and wraps. Now there are smokehouses, threatening the existence of delis. Shame on the Jewish people, giving up salt for smoke. When I went to New York to find they were serving sushi at what was my favorite deli, I knew Jewish life was ruined forever. Now nothing is Jewish anymore.
I am here to remind you some of the reasons why we, American born Jews of tradition, love the deli.
 
The Smell
It's as close a smell as you can get to socks that have been through a marathon in the rain and then ran in again, and then left in the room with the windows down. Yet, it still smells so good. It is the closest you can get to a stench that is unbearable, and yet it's so appetizing. Which makes me ask why I still do laundry.
 
It Is Jewish
Every deli reminds a Jew of the Lower East Side. Jews came from Europe and this is the food they took on the ship with them. The pickling connects us to that tradition, as any pickling process done right can keep the food fresh for well over a century. That is where the deli smell is from; Europe, a hundred years ago.
 
Salami That Hangs
Salami doesn’t smell that bad. But you leave it hanging for two years, something is going to come of that.
 
Pictures of Random Immigrants
A picture of a guy pushing a wagon in the Lower East Side of New York, in the early 1920s, that every deli owner is related to. And then another picture of a guy standing behind a counter, whose face we can barely see behind the hanging salami. These two pictures unite every deli. Whoever the ancestor in that picture is that every person who opens a deli is related to, it is tradition. I love it.

The Tiled Floor
A restaurant that smells pickled, with a checkered floor that looks like a 1950s washroom. Décor does not get better than that. Love it.
 
Carpet that Hasn’t Been Cleaned
If you don’t have the bathroom tiles, it’s decked out in speckled red and blue carpet that looks maroon. This way, we cannot tell how much kishka, stuffed-derma, gravy has spilled on it. I love the thriftiness of not needing somebody to clean the place. I love the smell of hanging salami and cured beef brought from Europe in 1910. I love pictures of random immigrants from Time Magazine that look like family.

There is more to this Ode. I will continue next week with more to love, like Batampte pickles and Mother's, a brand that is named after my mom.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Bar Mitzvah scarf Tallises, Yeshiva Shtenders and Egypt, for Purim’s sake, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his hand with us. We are sorry you have to see what happens when you use oven cleaner.

'My son, the doctor.' The most quoted saying of any proud Jewish mother with Nachis. Let's do a few of those jokes.
Before we get going, I want to praise the medical field. Doctors are amazing. Some of them can even add ten years to your life, just waiting in the reception room. We stole that one from other people who stole that joke too.
To note: Nachis means your son is a doctor.

The One About President
Every joke is about something. That's how you reference jokes. You say, 'The one about.' If you somebody ever asks you, 'Did you hear the one about?' Run. Get out of there as quick as possible. They're about to tell you a joke, and they will probably grab your arm to make sure you listen to them tell you the whole thing. Even if you heard it before. So, this is the one about the president.
The Joke:
About to be honored in the inaugural ball he calls his mom. 'Mom. I want you to come.' His mother is trying to get out of it, asking 'why, what's the big deal about this president thing. I don't know know from such...' He tells her, 'I just became president of the USA. I am the leader of the free people. I want you to be at the dinner. And make sure you look good.' Finally, after his mom argues with him about what a free people is, she agrees.
The next day, she's at the beauty salon. She shows up all decked out in an evening gown. The stylist notes how beautiful she looks and that she hasn't been there for years. He then asks, 'Why are you here?'
The mother answers, 'You know my son the doctor?!His brother is getting honored.'

Three Women Praising Their Children
Jewish mothers praise their children. If your friend's child sounds better than yours, you've failed as a Jewish parent. It has nothing to do with what your child has done. We know they're a failure. At home, they've failed you. You would never trust your child to put together a bookcase. You're a Jewish mother. However, when it comes to your friends, your child is the best builder around. At home, you yell at him that he should call somebody to step on the ladder. With your friends, 'He's the best ladder stepper. He was also the greatest at on the balance beam as a third grader.'
Years have been spent at Kiddishes with Jewish mothers letting their friends know how great their children are. I have even heard mothers praise their Jewish children as the best athletes. Athletes that will one day choose medical school over the NBA. Why? It's better money.
The Joke:
These women are sitting at the pool in Florida and talking of their children.
'My son. You know what he does for his motha? He flies me in to see him every year for my birthday. What a boy.'
The next one says. 'My son is even better. For my birthday, he comes down to Florida. He flies in all of my friends. He puts together a party. You wouldn't know of such things.'
The other friend joins in, 'My son is the best. Better than them all. He goes to a psychiatrist three times a week. Each time he spends five hundred dollars. And you know what he talks about? Me.'
Appendix to joke: She then goes on to add, Schepping Nachis, 'His mother. He talks about his mother the whole time.'

The Daughter Who Got Divorced
Three women are talking. It's the same three. That's what they they do. They sit by the condo pool and talk. It's the same three Jewish women in every joke. They start asking their friend Fran about her daughter.
The Joke:
Talking of Fran's daughter, Ethel asks, 'You mean the one who married the docta?' Ethel is from New York and doesn't know that doctor ends with an 'r'.
Fran breaks it to them, 'They broke off that wedding.'
The next friend adds, 'You mean, the one who's with the lawyer.'
Fran notes, 'That also didn't work out.'
Another one of the friends sitting on the side hears the conversation and joins in, 'Isn't that the girl that was with the real estate develapa?' She was also from New York.
Fran looks at her and says, 'Ahh. That didn't work out either.'
Ethel is amazed, 'Wow. From one daughter, so much Nachis?!'

Conclusion
If you're not a doctor, your parents don't love you.
Nowadays, a good Jewish mother wants her kid to work in computers. 'My son! The computer technician!' It doesn't have the same ring as 'my son the doctor.' It's hard to fully garner the same Nachis from the computer guy. 'My son. The computer guy. What a boy. He saves hard drives.'
The 'my son the computer engineer' genre of jokes has not made its way into the Jewish joke lexicon.

Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly.
Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online.

Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet
You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. 
You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand.

Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah
As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah.
You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah.
If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix.

Work On Your Profile Pictures
If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures.
You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families.
Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand.
If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK.

Go On a Dating App
If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages.
If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert.

Start a Website
Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree).
Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch.
You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app.
Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect.

I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help.
I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online.
Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah).

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.