Your kid is late again and it’s your fault. You cannot use the ‘doctor’s appointment’ excuse more than eight times a semester. You also can’t write that your child is late because she was afraid of failing the Chumash test. You might as well tell them your daughter is failing Gd.
Teachers have seen them all. Thus, you must learn the art of writing late notes.
You want your child getting into a decent high school, and late notes will get them there. I'm going to help. Here are some late notes that will help you, the parent, and the family, look good when writing notes for Jewish day school:
 
My Child was Praying
If it sounds religious, it’s not a demerit. Play their education game. We all know the kids have no clue what they're saying in the Hebrew prayers. How many times have they sang ‘Adon Olam’ in school? Exactly my point. No clue.
There’s no way your child was praying. They haven’t even joined in the Hatikvah the past few weeks. Oh. The school will tell you, 'They sing that "Adon Olam" so beautifully.' That’s how they get the donations. The kids sing it with such commitment and Kavanah, proper intent, to harmonize. They think they’re singing about winter break and not having to be in school.

My Child Was Honoring Her Parents
It's a Mitzvah to let you sleep through bus pickup too. 
You can use any Mitzvah and the note will score extra credit points. ‘My child was visiting the sick on school time.’ ‘My child was honoring her parents by letting them sleep.’ ‘My child took out the trash.’ Even if it looks like you’re running a child labor camp, that’s fine if it’s a Mitzvah.
‘I was teaching him the blessing on cereal.’ That's educational, and no Jewish day school is going to argue that the blessing shouldn't take a couple of hours of focus.
 
We Were Visiting My Parents
That will get you an extended weekend every once in a while.
Visiting grandparents can be part of the commandment to ‘honor your parents.’ Going to classes is not a commandment. Though, you get into more trouble for skipping school than sinning. The school will also support visiting the grandparents, as they are the ones paying for the education.
 
We Ran Out of Frosted Flakes
They’ll understand. Your child needs the flakes frosted. Anybody with a heart and kids will understand that your child threw a fit when you offered them Corn Flakes. They know your kid ripped up the box and threw it at you, smashing the Corn Flakes, spat on Kellogg’s, and pulled out all the drawers in the kitchen, threw all their clothes on the floor, ran away from home, and cursed out Mom. That’s expected nowadays. It’s a normal reaction to cereal with no sugar.
The school will also understand that it's questionable to make a Bracha over unsugared cereals. 
 
We Were Still On Vacation for Chag
Use the holiday as much as you can. Milk it. That note can last for three weeks after any holiday. They give you off eight, you take eighteen for your child. Eighteen lets them know it was a meaningful religious thing, as well.
Slap ‘Chag with grandparents’ on that note, and your child will walk out with a 4.0 without ever being in class.
Remember, late notes for Jewish day school can be used for not being in class for days or weeks. There is no reason to put in all that effort of writing for one day, or a couple of hours. What? Now, they expect you to write? You’re not in school. If your child has a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a school week, that’s a good time for a long family weekend getaway.

I’m a Mother
Accuse them. Let them know. These twenty-five-year-old teachers have no idea what you’re going through. Your kid deserves a decent grade because you have to parent them. Even if you’re not a mother, if you’re writing a late note you’re close enough. You can be the guy running the bodega; if you have to write the late note, you're the mom.
Let the doctor know you’re a mother. Bring that note to the doctor’s office. Instead of waiting in the waiting room, make the doctor wait. At least your note is legible.
‘We made a mistake.’ Let it all out. You’re writing a note already, maybe you can find someone to talk to about the pain of parenting these children. You didn’t mean to have the seventh child. Maybe the teacher will have a heart and reach out to you.
 
I Had to Pack Snacks for Nine
Put it on you and the other eight kids you birthed. You can add in ‘I have a family,’ for spite. Have them asking why the note has nothing to do with the child. They’ll get the point.
You can add in, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???!!!' Add that into any note for late note effect.

My Child Was Running Errands
Your child is a prodigy and you know that. Just ask you. That’s why you’re coming up with excuses for them to be late and skip tests. He’s a genius and you've seen him at work. His sense of direction is amazing. You saw that when he was in pre-school and could already find sugar cereals in the supermarket. Don’t worry about them accusing you of abuse and child labor. If you want to talk about abuse, they’re running school till 4:15pm. Plus, have you seen the Hebrew homework, in Hebrew? That’s sweatshop labor abuse.
 
We Went to Israel
With that note, your child never needs to show to class. You can get off a whole half year with that note. They’ll still give your child an ‘A’ at Jewish day school. They have to.
The school has had enough arguments with people claiming that every moment in Israel is Jewish education. It’s about preservation of our people. If elementary school parents could set-up their eight-year-olds with good Shidduchs, they would have them skipping school so they could get married earlier.
 
My Child Was Learning Torah
That note will get you nowhere. They know that didn't happen.
 
We Don’t Understand You
‘Neither me or my child understood your homework.’ Yes. You are part of this. They know you’re doing the homework.
Have you seen this modern Hebrew? It’s impossible to hold down two jobs and to keep up with third-grade level. You can also write, ‘We had to go to after school classes to understand your class. We are late because we were taking your class.’ Better yet, write the note in Hebrew. ‘אנחנו מאוחרים בגלליך.’ She’ll the get the point.
If it’s a first grader, write the note. First graders are still tracing the Aleph Bet, and they don’t get homework. Even so, you can still right the note for them. Better yet, trace it.
Remember, it’s not the education, it’s what high school they’re going to get into. The blaming the teacher technique will work, if they want to keep their job. On a side note, it’s about time you brushed up on your non-Biblical Ivrit.
 
More Brilliant Late Note Ideas to Help You
‘We had an extended Shabbat.’ Make your weekend getaway sound Jewish. You can even say that you went to a deli. 
You went on a ski trip? If it's over a weekend, that's an extended Shabbat.
‘They went to Minyin.’ If they go to shul, they can get off. You can just write ‘shul.’ The only issue is that the school has already pegged you, the parent, as a heretic. They know you’re not going out of your way to pray with your child. You might want to write, ‘They went with their Bubbie and Zayde to Minyin.’ The school loves them. They’re the only reason your child is at the school. They’re the ones paying.
‘I was running around, picking up all the children for their after-school activities, because none of the other parents in this class help with carpooling. See the children that showed up on time? I hate their parents.’ The other parents never do anything. Hate them. Let it out.
‘Why don’t you teach the children how to use an alarm clock in this school?’ That is a complaint more than a late note. Put the blame on them.
‘The bus wouldn’t wait.’ Your child is special. The school should know that. Your child is the champion. Your child is the winner. Your child is the best. The others are nothing compared to your child.
‘The bus was late because of my child.’ The school is fine with that.
‘Culture Club was playing and we had to play through “Time,” and then we rocked out to some Uncle Moishy and the Mitzvah Men. As a family, we sing together.’
‘I took them to the Metallica concert last night.’ The honest, bold and defiant late note. You were hearing the heavy metal. You’re feeling it. If you’re worried, tell them it was an Uncle Moishy concert that you were drinking at with the kids.
‘Tooth hurt.’ Don’t tell them which tooth. There’s no point. It could be yours. The goal is to make the education hard on the teacher, while your child still receives a 4.0 for having Jewish grandparents.
‘Their little brother ate it.’ You’re religious. They know you don’t have a dog eating the kids homework. Why dogs love eating homework so much is something I will never understand. Yet, they eat it.
They’ve seen little Jewish boys eat. If it has sugar on it, they’ll eat paper. Nobody has ever eaten those Lieber’s or Paskesz pebbles without devouring half a sheet of paper. If you need an animal for the note, you can use a goldfish. You can tell the school you won the goldfish at the Purim carnival. They’ll believe the goldfish ate it.
‘During these times.’ Anything you say with ‘during these times’ cannot be argued with. They chalk it up to the pandemic.
‘The pandemic.’ Just write ‘the pandemic’ and your child is promised a perfect score. If your child pays attention in school, they’ll learn how to get government assistance.
‘I am a parent and I need to sleep.’ 
You are not waking up at 6:30am. Responsibility is not important when you’re tired. You spent all day carpooling yesterday, and it wasn’t even your own child. You don’t want your kid getting bad grades and your family looking bad. Make sure you have the notes prepared.

As we recap, never forget to add ‘Chag’ to your late note. Holidays can always be used to get out of school. You also get off more days of school if you add in grandparents and Israel (ex of the perfect late note- ‘We went to Metallica in Israel, on Chag, with our grandparents’). And when your child is older, they will learn the importance of celebrating holidays to get out of work.
​
Next time we will talk about mastering the art of handing in late notes to the Jewish day school staff saying 'my child is Jewish' and ‘my child is a Tzadik,’ thus ensuring success with no explanation.

The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.

Close Friends Table
These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding.
If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough.
They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack.

Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys
Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys.
 
Bride’s Girl Friend Table
This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met.
They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb.
They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys.
 
Singles Table
This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness.
On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you.
If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married.
If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive.
 
CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table
These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible.
Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD.
If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein.
 
Kids Table
Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height.  Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads.
This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers.

No Place Card Table
You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord.
If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. 
They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways.

Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with.
You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too.
And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there.

As Jews, we dance in a circle. That is our style. Now, with the holiday of Torah Happiness, we dance with a Torah in a circle. The Torah adding a whole new dimension to the circle. Over the years many styles of the Torah hold and Torah grab in circle form have developed.
As a student of different styles of Torah clutching in circle dance, I bring you some of the main Middle Circle Torah Lift Dances, including the Torah hug in a circle. I will not focus on outer-circle Torah dancing, as there is nothing more you can do in the outer-circle than blend in and get outshined by kids on your friends' shoulders.

Two Handed Torah Lift
A flashy move with the Torah. This is where you grab the bottom two handles of the Torah pole and lift the Torah, up and down. Similar to the ubiquitous supinated arm raise, this should always be done with two hands, as nobody wants to fast for 40 days.
The true goal of all Torah dancing is to not drop the Torah. If dropped, all have to fast for 40 days, or not eat during the day and gorge at night. This is why the most important people involved in the Torah dancing are the ones staring at the Torah lifters, praying in anxiety that they don't drop it.

The Torah Bang
Two people take their Torahs in the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air’ dance formation and then bring them towards the middle and have them touch. This can also be done with three or more people. If there are enough people, you can have a whole Torah mosh pit.
When Torah Banging, we do make it a point to not play heavy metal on Simchat Torah, as we do not want people falling or getting beaten up in the name of Simcha dancing. Nonetheless, there is a large community of Torah bangers out there.
I would personally suggest to be more gentle and to go for the Torah Touch dance. It does take more finesse, but it's not as violent. I have noticed that less injuries occur with the touch.

The One Hander
Similar to the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air,’ this is done with one hand. Taken out of the strong man competition, this feat of strength is usually done by circus performers and balancing acts that show up for Shacharit.

The Over the Shoulders Hold
You hold the Torah with one arm, placed over your shoulder, and then you place your other arm in the middle of the circle, with the other two to three people holding Torahs. It is kind of like the 'Hokie Pokie', but you leave your right arm in. You then go around in a circle, with your hands touching each other, because you are all playing for the same team. The team of Torah. This can also be done in the outside circle, by those who don't want to be noticed, but only if it is an ‘Arm on Shoulders’ circle.

The Supportive Torah Lift
You hold onto one of the Torah’s handles and then lift it while supporting the Torah scroll from the middle of the back. You are working as the lifter and the spotter in this dance. It's a double duty, but it has its rewards in the World to Come.

The Torah Hug
You go around in the circle and make sure the Torah doesn’t fall. You just walk around and hug it. It's the most intimate Torah dance, showing your love and affection for the Torah and Gd.
​
The Torah Train
This is for the trailblazer who ventures their dancing out of the circle. I don't suggest this, until you've mastered the inner circle Torah dances and have created a following. Otherwise, it looks more like a trolly.
You surprise the crowd with this by chu-chuing the circle into the train. As the Torah hugger, you are not riding caboose. You are close to Gd and therefore you lead the train. Generally, you want to lead with a two-handed Torah grab, as the over the shoulder Torah hold will end up wacking the guy behind you in the face with the Etz HaChaims (the Torah scroll wooden pole handles).
 
Kid on Shoulder
If you don't have a Torah, you can still be noticed. The child is treated like a Torah. Think of their legs as Poles of Life Handles. 
Sometimes you will use one hand. Sometimes, you have two hands on their legs. I’ve seen parents not use any hands. These people are joining the dancing from the circus. That’s an act. These are the same people lifting Torahs with one hand.
I've seen parents toss their kids in the air. Nobody is worried about the parents dropping the kids. As long as it's not a Torah, nobody cares. Nobody is fasting for a child. 

The Walk Around with Kid on Shoulders
This is where you walk. That’s the dance. The fact that your child is on your shoulders is enough fun for them. There is no need to do any fancy footwork. Showing you're a parent will have people impressed enough.
If you are not part of a traveling circus, keep your hands on your child. I would also suggest to use your hands when carrying the Torah. The balancing on the nose Torah act will have the whole shul passing out of anxiety attacks.

Next time, we will deal with the fifty-inch circumference Sefardic Torah Dances, all consist of the atlas stone hug and placement back on the table. Leaving the Torah on the table is the key to walking out of dancing with a healthy back.
No matter the Torah you are dancing with, I will also prescribe a training program so that you can walk out of Simchat Torah being the talk of the town next year, with your Torah lifting and banging abilities.

​The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday.
Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool.
Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people:
 
Fly Tape
Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening.
 
Honey Bucket with Opening
As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah.
Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah.
The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own.

Christmas Lights
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me.

Fruit
Almost as good as Christmas lights.
Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it.
Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire.
 
Plastic Fruit
We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room.
Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.”
 
Gourds
I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff.
 
Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out
Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it.
 
Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project
You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration.
The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration.
 
Paper Chain
The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it.
The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet.
Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying.
 
Paper That Opens
Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up.
 
Tiki Torches
You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone.

7 Species of Israel
This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees.
 
No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire.

In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues.
Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out.
 
It’s Too Early
They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness.
Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven.
Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel.
 
I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long
The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him.
I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute.
The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. 
Devout starts at 7:30am.
 
I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep      
Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep.
I’m not to blame. I’m tired.
Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up.
 
I Have No Idea What the Words Mean
My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. 
I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me.
I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do.
Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it.
 
I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew
I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know.
I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions.
 
I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty
I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7.
I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am.
 
I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad
I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune.
 
I am a Slow Reader 
I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind.
They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything.
Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly.

I Didn’t Do all The Sins
I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody.
I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. 
After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day.

I'm Trying
Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation.
If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too.
I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. 
​
The Shofar Gets Me Mad
This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent.
Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan.

I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am. 

Rosh Hashana begins with a meal, as all Jewish holidays, and we pull out fruit and vegetables, eat them as 'signs,' and ask Gd to make the coming year a good one. That always means better than last year. The previous year was never that great. It was decent, but it could be better. So, we ask Gd for a good year and show Him some of the fruit and vegetables that could've had a longer shelf life. Thus, we ask for a better year where the cucumbers don't spoil after three days in the fridge.
We have a beautiful huge meal, to make up for any food we might have lost out on the year prior. We don't want to go into the year thin. That would give us nothing to do. Nothing to pray for. Last year, I dieted all year. I also sinned a bit, so I would have something to ask Gd for during the Ten Days of Repentance.  With all that in mind, I shall tell you about what I now know every Jew should be prepared for when in Israel.

Eating in America Did Not Prepare Me
Known as Simanim, the signs at the meal, I grew up with an apple in the honey and a pomegranate representing Mitzvot. That is all my Ashkenazik upbringing prepared me for; cute little blessings of a sweet new year and a stained shirt. We would even sing a cute song, just in case somebody was scared of apples and honey. We sung the song 'dip the apple in the honey, say a blessing loud and clear. Shana Tova uMituka, have a happy sweet new year.' It was cute and harmless. The pomegranate wasn't harmless, so we didn't sing a song about it. We just said that it represents a lot of Mitzvot, and accepted the fact that our shirt would get stained. 
Israel was nothing like this. There was no cute song. The apple-honey rhyme didn't work in Hebrew. I don't know if it's every dinner, but whatever song that family was singing my first Rosh Hashana in Israel had me feeling the Pesach Seder all over again. Everything sounded like 'Ha Lachma Anya' to me, and I was in for a shock. They sung with real deep voices that I was not prepared for, due to their size.
The only thing that my Jewish upbringing in America prepared me for was eating a lot.

My First Interaction with Violent Fruit
The Israeli family brought out beautiful fruits and a fish head. The fish head kind of went with the 'Ha Lachma Anya' feeling of leaving Egypt. And the next thing I know, the whole table started focusing on enemies. They were using fruit to curse out our foes. That was when I knew that I will never mess with an Israeli while they are eating.
They started taking carrots in their hands and saying that 'Gd should cut down our enemies like a carrot.' I learned later that the root word for carrot in Hebrew is the same root as 'cutting down.' They went through all the fruits on the table. Even the gummy strawberry was used to mock those who try to bring us down. Personally, I would think that if you give a gummy strawberry to an enemy, they're going to be your friend. They'll stop attacking and start picking gumminess out of their teeth.

Don't Mess With Israelis
The shock continued at that dinner, and the next night's dinner too, where the family pulled out squash. I started seeing our Jewish people in a whole new light. 
We are a relaxed people, passive in nature, but you throw fruit and vegetables into the equation and we get very violent. When we summon Gd while eating gourds, we are not a people you want to mess with. 
Work in a rhyme and we are wiping out all evil beings. Work in a pun and decrees of judgment are raining down. Peace ruling the world through seasonal local produce. And watch out if they start with alliterations. 'Crazy criminal counterattack country' is what I’m talking about, with 'kumquats.' 

More People Do It
One of the tables I was at a couple years years ago pulled out a carrot, whose root must have many meanings, and said, ‘May it be Thy will… that their decrees be those of judgment.’ And then, they cut a fruit and said that the juice should blind the enemies, like it did the owners of the house when they squeezed it by accident.

I Am Scared
That last meal had me scared. The shock of my first Rosh Hashana in Israel turned into fear. I started picturing the horrors that carrots can do to people. With a Hebrew name whose root means ‘decrees,’ I was scared to eat. I didn’t want to know the food's verdict. I had nightmares about cucumbers and tomatoes. I started having flashbacks to pickles and pickled tomatoes I had growing up. I didn’t eat Israeli salad for half a year. I was eating falafel with a pita, tahini, and that’s it. I couldn’t use Chumus either. At that last dinner, they said something about Chumus and Hamas.

I am over much of my fear. I now eat with my family on Rosh Hashana, and we dunk the apple, saying, ‘May this be a sweet new year.’ I don't believe my family can handle floral self-defense. 
Going back to my Ashkenazik roots, I wanted to stop with all the other requests that angiosperms can bring. I was still scared of the Israeli salad, cut up so small. It hit me that fruits can be used for good and evil. Food can be used for good and evil. You can own a fruit shop, like my grandpa, and provide people with star fruit, so they can eat something on Rosh Hashana they would never want to eat otherwise.
It took me a while, but I learned my lesson. And I now know what the Simans are for. I feel it is time we embrace our tradition and focus on eating fruit and vegetables that will wipe out the evil from our lives. I am not scared of my Israeli brethren. I know that they are using vegetation to protect us.
It is about wiping evil out of our lives, so that our year can be one of blessing. A year where we don't have to eat fennel. A year, where we put on weight from the sugar found in plantation.

Ever since those first Rosh Hashana dinners, I have had nightmares about carrots. When they pop up in coleslaw, I'm taken aback. I am never eating carrots again, just in case there's another root I don't know about. Please don't mention Tzimis.
As for you, you should enjoy all the fruits and vegetables at the Rosh Hashana dinner. And don't be scared of carrots. I am still in shock and trying to figure out how carrots can free us from our enemies. You should all have a sweet new year, where our enemies rot like carrots. A year where people can finally laugh at puns and not judge them.

Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
 
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer
I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie.
I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem.
At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie.

You don’t have to Work
The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind.
With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish.
After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot.
​Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’

Fear & Anti-Semitism
I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well.
Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business.

Kosher Burger King 
The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew.  Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers.

To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl
This is probably my number one reason.
I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel.

Land of our Ancestors
That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn.
 
Torah
You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people.
 
You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House
We each have our own story. This is mine.
The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25.
I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.)
It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me.
Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted.
 
You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You
The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it.
 
Jewish Homeland
Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that.

If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money.
Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa.

​Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
 
Velvet Kippah
Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look.
Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet.
 
The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah
The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders.
To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house.
Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs.
 
The Soloveitchik
This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much.

The Chabad
A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. 
The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer.
 
Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It
Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class.
Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love.
Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category.
 
Machine Knit
What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up.
Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date.
 
The Carlebach
This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica.
When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver.
The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn.
 
The Bucharian
This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament.
Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious.
 
Felt With Sports Team
This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years.
 
Suede
This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew.
The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement.
 
Suede with Name & Date Inside
This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you.
I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved.
Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. 
 
The Paper Yarmulke
You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. 
They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples.
 
The Satin Reflector
This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good.
Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life.

Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke
Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. 

White Satin
You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah.
 
The Black & White Yarmulke
I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah.

The Sleeper
This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed.
No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.'

The Toupee
Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. 
To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat.

Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious.
Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough.
Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them.

Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. 

People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' 

You Have To Deserve It
What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him.
They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel.
You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you.

When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It
The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy.
When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good.

There Are Repercussions
You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas.

Israelis Take Words Seriously
This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them.

Time Is Important
I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you.
I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important.
​Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach.

They Did the Army
Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up.
Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door.

A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You'
That's a mistake. They weren't educated right.
Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation.
An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family.
To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.'

It's Hot
Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. 
Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. 
I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.'
My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? 

Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand.
Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach.

Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' 
Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel.
I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.

Kids are finally back in camp, having fun with no masks. Mask mandates are only for school. They are safe in camp, having fun and doing what is know as activities. 
Anything you do is more exciting when you call it an activity. Point shall be made: You can go shopping and run errands. Or you can go shopping as an activity. I ask, which one would you rather do? If errands was an activity this would get complicated. I would be fine with kids running errands at camp all summer. However, they don't take the kids in the bunk to pickup groceries. For now, that the point is made, we can all agree that activities are awesome.
Here are some of the general activities that split up your child's day at summer camp.
 
Floor Hockey- A sport that Jews are competitive at, because nobody else plays it. Flag football is another sport American Jews are excellent at, as they play it in Israel and Israelis don't know what it is.
There are more camp sports like newcomb, bottle cap football, Torah baseball and gaga. The key to the sports activities is to take a known sport and make it Jewish by taking out any specialized skill. You play hockey and take away the ice. You play volleyball by catching the ball. Newcomb is a sport everybody can be great at. Amazing activity.

Torah Baseball- A sport where you compete with your mind, so you too can be a champion. It costs the camp a lot less for you to answer questions about the Torah portion than having to manicure a baseball field.

Roof Ball- This is where you throw a ball on the roof, to wake up all the people in your bunk during rest hour. When I was younger, I knew this game as The Ball Got Stuck in the Gutter Ball.
Camp games are usually named after the objects used in them. You have wall ball and floor ball. If there was a stick, we might have played stick ball. I can't promise you that stick ball would've been the name. Our counselor didn't allow us to remove the stick from the broom, so I wouldn't know. 
Oh. We had table ball. We used a table for that. We played that to bother people while they were eating lunch.

Arts and Crafts- When you are not artistically talented, they add on the word “crafts.” It's now a useful item. It's not a sculpture, it's an ashtray. The mug is an ashtray. The spoon rest is an ashtray. It actually is the same thing. If it wasn't for arts and crafts people would stop smoking.
Other than ceramics or ashtray making, there is also a Jewish component to the activity. Sometimes, the kids make a ritual washing cup that looks like an ashtray. The accepted arts and crafts tradition is to have the children make Jewish pieces that they will not be using for another half a year. You take a slab of wood and put nuts on it and that is your art; a candle holder for Chanukah, or an ashtray. Great activity.

Free Swim- When the lifeguard goes to sleep. 

Shabbis Walk- There is not much you can do on Shabbat. They had to be creative when the campers asked them why there was nothing to do other than bottle cap football and Checkers, when their parents spent $9,500. That is when they came up with the activity known as the Shabbis Walk. In co-ed camps this is tantamount to romance. Almost as romantic as sitting in a tree.

Hike- Walking not on Shabbat.

Snack Time- When you get to drink milk out of an eight-ounce carton. Might be the most exciting activity in camp.

Letter Time- Jewish summer camp is the only place where letters are still written by hand. This is how you honor your parents. With paper. Emails don’t show care. Going green is very bad for relationships. If your children haven't written you with a cursive signature yet, they don't love you.
It’s about survival. Let’s say you are lost on a desert island, nobody around, and you want to contact your parents? The Post Office is all you have. They will pick up. Let’s say your computer can’t fake the personal letter that you wrote to three hundred people in cursive, all named “Shalom,” thanking them for coming to your party and donating money to your fund, and you have to sign by hand and you have poor penmanship? Think about that for a minute.
No romance ever happened with an email. It must be handwritten and handed give on a Shabbis Walk.

Shower Time- Anything with 'time' connected to it is an activity. Cleanup time. That's an activity. Cleanup is not an activity. Nobody wants to cleanup. If you hear 'It's cleanup time everybody,' you're jumping for joy and tucking in your blanket.

Face Painting- That's an activity that will definitely lead to Shower Time.

Excitement- Great activity. Screaming. Running and Screaming. Eating and screaming. Excitement is the number one activity. You have excitement at a 'time' and you have probably the best activity of the summer. $9,500.  

Shiurim- You have class time here too, to remind you that you are not on vacation. They call it camp, but they have Jewish classes. Your parents are spending $9,500. Yes, they are behind this painful part of the day.

Davening- Prayers every day. You do more religious stuff in camp than in school. Camp is an extension of Jewish day school, because your parents are still complaining they paid way too much tuition.

Music- This really is school. It's music class. You sing. They try to get you to harmonize correctly. It's music class.

Night Activity- Anything done at night is exciting. Hence, that's the activity. Night.

Night Seder- At very religious camps, this is where you learn Torah at night. Done at night, makes it more awesome. That’s an activity. During the day it’s learning, at night it’s an activity. That is how Jewish camp programs the day.

Package Time- When parents send their child everything they love, so they don't feel like they're in camp. Usually done with Twizzlers, it's the parents way of apologizing for enjoying the absence of their child. A Twizzlers offering. It's a way to keep them at camp. Then, there are kids that don't get packages, and they hate this activity.

​​Flag Raising- Do they still allow that? Is that too patriotic? 
​
Boating- Row boating. Maybe in a canoe. Sailing is not happening at the pool. The kids are not going into the lake. There's fish in there.
It is a camp, and there is a lake. You need a lake for it to be a camp. Around five years ago, kids refused to swim in a lake. It was around that same time that kids started being correct, and started becoming dumber.
​If I was correct growing up, we wouldn't have swam and my bunk would've had air-conditioning.

Leagues- Teams are made. They could've just called your bunk a team, but they want to make sure your team is not good. After spending two days putting you on the bad team, it's now time to figure out what sports you play. 
A chart is made by the sports staff as to what sports you're going to play, and against who. You finally have the teams and the leagues, and you explain to all the kids why they're not on a team with their bunkmates, and Color War starts; got to wait a week to start the leagues. You play floor hockey twice and camp is over. 

We would've had a ropes course and team building as an activity, but we saw how bad the teams went with the 'Leagues.' We also don't trust the other kids in the bunk to save your child. If your kid closed their eyes and fell back, that would be a full-on fall.

Other than wearing nightgowns, what do people do in The Mountains, living at the bungalow? 

SHOPPING & EATING
Those are the activities. Eating and shopping for food to eat.

Pizza: You Define a Jewish Town by Pizza
The Woodbourne block gives you the full experience of Jewish New York, and that is what you are looking for when you leave New York to go to The Mountains. The experience includes eating. Pizza shops, knishes, and more eating. There is New York style pizza; thus, Woodbourne is Jewish.
You can now find kosher pizza shops in Monticello. South Fallsburg is loaded with pizza. Pizza all summer. That is the nutrient of The Mountains. Pizza.
What came first? Jews or pizza? Please help me answer this.

Grocery Shopping
They had Shop Rite, but that did not satisfy the full New York Jewish experience of being on vacation outside of New York. Hence, they opened a “Landau’s New York Supermarket”, so the Brooklyn experience of being on vacation away from Brooklyn in The Mountains could be enjoyed.

Amazing Savings
If Amazing Savings did not exist, The Mountains would not be Jewish. All people in bungalows go shopping at Amazing Savings. Jews need to buy tin pans.
Walmart was enjoyed by the Jewish people of The Mountains until they didn’t allow us to return stuff after two months. Talk about chutzpah! I ask you, what am I supposed to do with my purchase of the lawn chairs after the summer?!

PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES IN THE MOUNTAINS
This happen accidently. You're shopping and you can't find your car in the parking lot, you're stuck doing a physical activity. Other than that, you end up in water because it's hot. Here is how these activities work in The Mountains.

Hikes
Allow me to explain how hikes work in The Mountains:
Anytime you walk in The Mountains that is a hike. If there is no sidewalk, that is a hike. Mothers pushing their babies up and down the main roads of Monticello, that is a hike.
Anytime there is a chance of finding a salamander, that is a hike. This includes a salamander you found under your bungalow. You step outside, see an animal that is not a human, that is a hike. It is exercise. Can't find your car, now you're on another hike.
Anytime you have a bottle in a bag, that is a hike. Bottle in your hands, that is a walk. Walking in your nightgown is a hike. Anybody walking to the pizza shop when they could be driving, is hiking and losing weight. If you are from New York and you are surrounded by trees and grass and you go for a walk, that is a hike.

The Lake
There is always a lake nearby. You do not swim there. You swim in the pool that is built right next to the lake. The correct terminology is 'take a dunk.' You take a dunk in the pool. 
I am not sure if there is actual swimming. I have seen people in pools, but I am not sure if they are swimming or standing there.

Hours of swimming
It's important to know and understand these hours.
Men’s Hours- Hours at the Bungalow or Hotel pool that men do not want to show up to. Note: If women show up to these hours, it is tradition to not complain. See Women’s Only Hours for when men want to go.
Women’s Hours- Hours at the pool that women love. Sentence: ‘Thank Gd, B"H, there are no men here. They're disgusting... ’ See Men’s Hours for swimming times that men do not want to be at.
Mixed Hours- When the bad Jews go swimming, and all the other people go to sunbathe. 

Boating
Jews do not use motorboats. They go boating with an oar. It’s all part of the Jewish tradition of reliving slavery.

No Surfing
That is too tiring. If you see anybody outside of the boat, that is a man overboard.

No Fishing
Finding kosher food is time consuming enough. Waiting to catch a fish is not something we have time for, when you're trying to find the right kosher supervision on the tartar sauce package.

Swim with Shirt, Skirt or Dress
This is done either because of modesty or because your one-day South Beach diet did not shed all the extra pounds. Don’t be crazy. Nobody swims in a nightgown.

Sitting
Sitting and watching kids do stuff is the number one activity in The Mountains. Chasing them is not something you do. If your children are running and yelling in the pizza shop, there is no reason to do anything if they're not bothering you.

Shopping and eating are the activities. That's what I've concluded. If you end up walking by accident, that might be another activity. And there's a pool, but a dunk is not an activity. Dunking is only an activity if you're eating french fries. I have seen the people of The Mountains and they sweat when eating fries. They get involved in that activity.
Next time you are looking for the New York City experience, go to The Mountains. Join me for some New York City pizza and hike down the road to Amazing Savings. I am even happy to spend some quality time sitting on the bungalow colony lawn with you, in nightgowns.

Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right. 
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married.

Married People Invite You and Feed You
Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs.

Too Old to be an Uncle
I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym.

Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table
I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers.

You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering
You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing!

Somebody to Scream At
There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at.

Somebody to Complain To
If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that.

 Have Kids
The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. 

To Not Get Old Alone
It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too.

Another Reason to Have Kids
Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. 
You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary.

Decent Food for Dinner
For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer.  is continually thawed out for your enjoyment.
This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to.

So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you.

I am told that hatred is wrong. Whether I agree with that or not isn't important. For the sake of Tisha I will put my feelings aside.
The three week period prior to the destruction of the Temples is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. We must stop that. You need decent reason to hate. You don't just hate somebody because they're your neighbor. If they take your newspaper, then you hate them.
We don't need any more destruction. Hence, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding. Along with hating people basefully, judging favorably can bring love and peace.
Here are some ways to understand the annoying. Do it this Tisha BAv for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people:

People who Cut in Front of you in Line
How you should see it: They have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Do you need to run more errands? Probably not. They do. And you're out there joy shop[ing for milk. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand. Maybe they left somebody in the car and you are saving a life. Maybe they are trying to finally have some human interaction and they are sick of having to be six feet away from you. So, they cut you in line, and are now six feet in front of you.
Who is really the selfish one here?! 

Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years
This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still having sales on all items. He is not lying. He is trying to go out of business, and because of his '50% off - we're closing tomorrow' sign, you're not letting him. Again, I ask, who is thinking about themself here?!

Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand
They are sharers. You're sitting at dinner together and they are bringing the bread braking to the next level. You're now scooping Humus together and they're cleaning the platter for you.

Server who is Not Smiling
They have too much business, and now you're going to order dinner too. You're very needy. Why are you not apologizing?

Guy who Smells Bad on Bus
He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared.

People Who Disagree With Your Political Views
You have to hate somebody. Who else are you going to call a racist?

People who Give You Unsolicited Advice
Maybe you didn't know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good. Who else is going to note your flaws?

The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands
That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry. That's where the curry taste truly comes from.

The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes
The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell.
They may also be claustrophobic. Why they don't clean the machine after they leave, I cannot answer.

Guy Who Puts his Leg in Your Chair on Plane or Bus
Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it's yours? Now they're asking what gives you the right to lean back, and to not sit at a ninety degree angle on the flight. 
​If their leg wasn't in your back, they would be less comfortable, and you wouldn't be sitting straight. It seems to me that you're being the selfish one here. And this guy's knee is helping your posture.

The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie
Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too.

People Who Smoke in Public
They're sharing the cigarette benefits with you. You don't even have to bum one to get the smell on your clothes. Bumming cigarettes is annoying.

People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back
Everybody should assume they're important.

People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done
Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would've been over in two minutes.

People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire
The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive.

People Who Look at You and Don't Say ‘Hello’
You think they are rude. They're just engaging you in a game of stare.

Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building
They shouldn't be there. Being that they are there, we have to accept that your neighbors have to eat. I've complained to the landlord about neighbors having dinner. It doesn't work.
You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up.
Then I have to hear the mom telling them they have to chew eighteen times. It's hard to not hate these people.

Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door
Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t. Always see the positive.

People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner
Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends?! There might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That's a life changer.

Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting
They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore?

Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep
Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You're raising healthy children who enjoy keeping their parents up.
Most importantly, if you don’t allow them to run, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home.

Take these lessons for Tisha BAv. We understand that it may be hard to judge favorably the rest of the year. We're suggesting one day. Hate people after Tisha BAv. Let's make this a beautiful and giving Tisha BAv of love for all fellow people. After Tisha BAv you have till Yom Kippur to get mad at them again. 

Since the dawn of time Jews have been trying to figure out where to go for the summer. Winters was easy. You go to Florida. After many years of exploration, the Jews came upon The Mountains. They were worried to settle there, as there was no butcher. Nonetheless, they found cattle and a hotel. And that led to bungalows. I thus bring you into the world of what makes for the modern day The Mountains and bungalow experience.

THE MOUNTAINS
​The Mountains are the one great stronghold of Jewish American tradition. The traditions of delis is gone, we don’t have the Lower East Side, we don’t have Americans born with Eastern European accents. All we have are trees during the summer and Bloomingdale’s.
Every summer, the Jews of New York flock to The Mountains. I am here to bring you the life of The Mountains, so that you can navigate the bungalow and the Jewish American Summer Vacation the way it was traditionally supposed to be celebrated, with food.

New York City Without Tolls
Imagine taking Brooklyn and putting it someplace with foliage.
The Jews of New York want to see grass and trees. That is summer vacation. Other than that, there is nothing new anybody wants to see on vacation, other than New York City. Small supermarkets and pizza shops is what people want.
New Yorkers could drive up Interstate 80 for a bit and turn back home. They would find some trees. However, after driving on the highway for an hour or so, you get tired. So, they colonized The Mountains. Anybody who lives in Brooklyn or Manhattan cannot handle two hours of driving, if it's not in traffic. The beeping and people cutting you off keeps you up.
To Note: During the summer, there's enough traffic in The Mountains to keep you up on weekends.

What Are The Mountains?
The Mountains are a plateau consisting of the Catskills and Poconos. There’s nature, trees, and you can see greenery. Therefore, people from Brooklyn call it The Mountains. In Brooklyn, mountains means grass and flowers. That is where they grow. In mountains. That is how they teach geography in Flatbush. Anything with grass is a mountain, including a meadow.
The Mountains must be capitalized, as it is a Jewish city. I do not believe that New Yorkers have ever traveled further than The Mountains. This is what makes them ‘The’ Mountains.
The Jewish Homeland for two and a half months, and the home of non-Jewish people the whole year, The Mountains is also known as land occupied by Jews in Upstate New York. It is a highly politically contested area. Even so, it doesn’t make the news, because nobody outside of the five boroughs wants to live in a bungalow.
 
THE BUNGALOW
The idea is to move from a home with central air to a hut with a screen door that doesn’t keep out mosquitos. That is enjoyment for New Yorkers; a screen door that doesn’t shut. A home with uneven floors and no air-conditioning.
It's all for the experience. You might get to see bluets.
 
Get Out of The Apartment
The hovel with the tilted fun room floors, made of wood that has not been shellacked, is enjoyed by people who are trying to get away from their two-million-dollar apartment. Multimillion dollar apartments aren’t built to accommodate summer enjoyment, or the New York 85-degree temperatures that equal humidity of 180.
 
Clothing is a Nightgown
Walk around in nightgowns. That is the style. I have no explanation for this.
 
Use Your Front Lawn
Bungalows are communal. People bring out tables, benches, chairs. Bring whatever you can out of your bungalow; fridges, ovens, dressers. This frees up the hovel and gives you enough space to sleep. Don’t worry about what the neighbors think about you keeping your clothes outside. You’re going to be wearing the nightgown all day anyways.
 
Family Time
This is something the kids don’t enjoy. If they ever get decent reception and internet access in The Mountains, this tradition will be done. Kids will once again be sitting at dinner on the web, posting pictures of their mom walking around in a nightgown at dinner.

Bungalow Colony
Jews leaving New York City, move as one and live in what is known as a colony. It is a form of protection against the unknown terrain and being caught without a Minyin. It's also a way of supporting each other in the decision of moving from air-conditioning to a shack.
It's a Kibbutz where nobody works the land. It's a modern day Kibbutz. A modern day Kibbutz with more Yiddish.

THE HOTELS
The hotel resort industry was big in The Mountains until the 1980s, and then the movie Dirty Dancing came out. Patrick Swayze and the dance instructors were living in the bungalows, and all the religious Jews decided they wanted to be there.
Reasons the hotels closed: Patrick Swayze and finances. The Jewish people would not settle for anything less than twenty four hours of buffet and constant dinner.

Next time we shall be discussing the activities one does in The Mountains, such as taking in air. We shall discuss what city dwellers are willing to do for a breeze, and why glamping makes no sense. 
​We will try our best to figure out more ways to talk about New Yorkers. Please forgive me if I didn't mention New Jersey in this article. 

The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom.  I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes.

I’m inspired. Last week, we spoke of Shlock Rock. Since then, I had a couple of hours and catch this, I came up with some Jewish parody songs. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The Concert in Central Park,’ and I banged out an album.
I even thought of some other new songs to add to the lexicon of Jewish music. I figure that my lyrics will help to educate. I believe I’m onto something here. I woke up this morning, listened to the good times oldies station, and I think I am ready to bang out a second album. I only need to think of a couple more songs. Maybe I'll take a Whitney Houston song. I think I can go Platinum.
Here are the new Simon and Garfunkel songs that I am willing to donate to Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock, if they pay me.

Sitting Shteygin' Away
tune of 'Slip Slidin' Away' by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Sitting Shteyging Away. Sitting Shteyging Away Ay Ay Ay. 
When you're sitting in the Beis Medrish, the more you're sitting Shteyging away.
He had a student (I ran out of lyrics).
Lesson: Shteyging is learning Torah. You do that in the Beis Medrish, house of Torah study. It's also known as a Beit Midrash by those who try to speak a proper Hebrew and don't learn there.
 
Rabbi Bergman
tune of ‘Mrs. Robinson’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Shalom Rabbi Bergman. H’ loves you more than you will know…
Lesson: The song was very disturbing the first time I heard it. ‘Hey Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.’ Is Paul Simon not Jewish? Should he not be singing about Gd? I would think he should be greeting people with 'Shalom' too.
 
Wake Up Little Shlomie
tune of ‘Wake Up Little Susie’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Wake up little Shlomie. Wake up… We both fell sound asleep… We missed Kriat Shema, and the time’s gonna pass for Shacharit. Wake up little Shlomie…
Lesson: You only have till the fourth hour of the day to say Shacharit. Shema has to be said by the third hour. Missing the Zman, time for Shema or Shacharit, is when you've really got to worry about your reputation.
I’ve seen people say ‘ooh la la’ when they showed up to shul late. Everybody knows something happened the night before. Probably a big Shabbat meal.
This song is written by The Everly Brothers. Now I lost all respect for Simon and Garfunkel. They didn't even have the decency to change the lyrics.

A Heart in Jerusalem
tune of 'A Heart in New York' by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Jerusalem, you're like a scene from all the Bible… Then some people made movies. Jerusalem…
Lesson: Any song with ‘Jerusalem’ in it is Jewish gold; especially ‘Jerusalem of Gold.’ I was looking to write a hit, so I used a hit.
 
Haifa Shuk Friend
tune of ‘Scarborough Fair’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Are you going to Haifa shuk friend. Zatar, cumin, hawaij, charif. Remember me, when you are there. Bring me shwarma and a green pear.
Explanation: The shuk has the spices, as well as shwarma and fruit. They always have pears. And I like pears. I should add, I like them green.
I would have asked my friend for the pear. I probably would’ve put it in the fridge for a bit, as I find them more refreshing cold. However, the verse setup doesn’t allow for my friend to put it in my fridge. I would’ve eaten the shwarma while the pear was in the fridge. Then, I would’ve had the pear for dessert. I want you to understand why I wrote the lyrics like this, and why they are Jewishly meaningful. And the shuk is like a fair.

The Sound of Silence
tune of ‘The Sound of Silence’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Taking three steps back. It’s the silent Amidah. It’s the sound of silence...
Shalom Shmoolie my old friend. I’m sitting next to you again. Your siddur is sliding onto me. Why are you standing so close to me. And we take three steps back and forward. You can’t complain. It’s the sound of silence.
Lesson: Why change the title when it’s so good? Was going to change the name of the song, but then people would wonder what it’s parodying. So, I kept the name the same.
The song is about the Amidah. The silent prayer. That should explain the silence. Many have parodied this song. However, not many have talked about how you must be silent in shul. Again, MEANING. That’s what Jewish parodies are about; the lesson.
I was going to go with ‘Shalom Itzkik my old friend. I’ve come to buy from you again. But your prices are really high. Last time my melon had a fly… It’s the sound of silence.’ I’ve had many uncomfortable experiences in the shuk with shopkeepers. Though, we decided to go with shul, as we wanted to keep the song on the lighter, more fun side, for you. I think ‘Haifa Shuk Friend’ says it all.

Who could’ve thought that writing Jewish songs could be so meaningful? When seeing these songs, the word ‘brilliant’ comes to mind. I’m glad I was able to add to the Jewish song catalogue.
Next time I will bring you some non-Paul Simon inspired songs, with fine lyrics like ‘Shimon Shimon Ko Ko Bop’ and ‘Aleph Bet, it’s as easy as Sheva Chet.’ And don’t forget ‘Come On Rabbi Light The Fire’ by The Dor vDors and Mordechai Stein, with lyrics like ‘Check all the jars of pickles too. Make sure that they have an OU. We'll let you throw it all away, if you find Triangle K… Come on rabbi light the fire. Come rabbi light the fire... And please go turn on the deep fryer...’

Thanks to Shlock Rock it's Jewish tradition to write songs that are aldeady written. It’s so much easier to write songs without having to write the melodies. If l stole any tunes from Shlock Rock's parodies by accident, I am sorry, and I hope I am not in violation of any copyright infringement. I can’t wait till we parody Weird Al, if that’s allowed.
Please share the songs you love, and I will be sure to turn it into your favorite Jewish pastime. I will turn your favorite hit into a hit. It’s our way of giving back to the Jewish community. 

One more shout out to Simon and Garfunkel. I couldn't have done this without you.

Lenny Solomon revolutionized Jewish music when he decided to stop doing Jewish songs in Hebrew. He took the pop hits and turned them into Jewish hits. He realized that the greatest way to make a hit, is to take a hit and make it a hit.
The art of taking the music of others and changing the words has helped the world of Jewish music grow, without using Jewish music. Since the pop revelation, Lenny Solomon has been Shlock rocking with his Shlock Rock, making it to communities all over the globe and spreading the word of non-Jewish songs to Jews.
Some songs may have been written by Jews, but we still parody them, as we make them Jewish. What makes Jewish parody unique to other forms of parody is its ability to leave out anything funny.  So lets Shlok Rock.
Here are some of Lenny's Shlock Rock greats.

Making Aliyah Today
tune of 'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen
Lyrics: Gotta call from a man today. It was my Rabbi he said move away. 
Go to a place where the land is good. Land of milk and Honey and Brotherhood. I was Born in the U.S.A, Now I’m Making Aliyah Today. (2X)
Explanation: Aliyah means moving to Israel. In this song, Lenny Solomon took the most patriotic American song and changed it 180 to leaving the USA. The message is more important than the song.  I can't wait to hear what Lenny does to John Mellencamp's 'Small Town.' Those lyrics will show as, 'I was born in a small town. And now I live in New York City. I'm happy I left the small town. Never wanted to live in that same small town.'
It should've been called 'Born in the USA,' but that would be plagiarism. 

To Unite All Jews
tune of 'With or Without You' by U2
Lyrics: To unite all Jews. To unite a-all Jews, right now. I can't wait, to unite all Jews.
Explanation: Love songs are frowned upon, unless singing to Gd. Hence, we had to change the U2 song. Until Bono writes Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs), we are not singing his lyrics. I think we all have to rethink our concept of romance.

Abarbanel
tune of 'Barbara Ann' by the Beach Boys
Lyrics: Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abarbanane-e-el. We think you're swe-e-el. Abarbane-e-el.
Explanation: I still don't know who the Abarbanel is. He was definitely a rabbi who lived a long time ago. He has a commentary on the Mishna and is a great rabbi. They should've said 'we think you're grey-ey-eyt,' but that doesn't rhyme with his name. To note, that 'ey' is there for phonetic reasons. I believe this article should be a seminar. I also believe 'Abar bar bar bar bar barnel' should be repeated more. It's fun, and unlike 'Barbara Ann,' which I always thought was 'Barbaran,' you don't think the name is something else.
The song goes on, 'Went to a shiur. Thought it would be queer. Saw Abarbanel, Now I’m learning for a year. Abarbanel.' I believe those lyrics were fine in the '80s. Listen to Safam's 'Just another Foreigner' for more great lyrics that were fine in the '80s, like 'I met a man from Addis Ababa. His skin was black and his features kind of strange.'

So many great Jewish songs written by Lenny, none greater than my favorite 'Am
Yisrael Chai.' A song that never made it as big, because he wrote the tune. He should've used one of Whitney Houston's for that. It would still be a hit.
Lenny figured out the formula. You take a classic and it's a classic. How Lenny Solomon can turn any rock song into an instant Jewish classic is something that only Vanilla Ice could understand.
Through Shlock Rock, he took every song and made it Jewish. And somehow, through the irony of doing it, the Jewish parody makes you laugh. Thanks to 'The Boss,' Lenny Solomon is a Jewish legend.
People being educated by songs is questionable to me. Even so, there's so much we can learn, especially when Lenny sings of the 'Minyan Man.' If somebody were to ask me, right now, how to connect to Judaism, I would tell them to read a book.

***Next time we'll talk about parodying Men At Work into Hebrew. We will delve into how Piamenta revolutionized Jewish music to the next level, opening up the concept of not writing the tune or the lyrics.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick and Mordechai Stein for sharing what's wrong with their lives, with us.

At the heart of the Jewish people is song. Starting back in the Beit Hamikdash (the Temple) the Levites would bring music to the Jewish people. Most Levites nowadays have bad voices. It's a shame. Nonetheless, it does not stop the Levi from singing. Nor does it stop all Jewish people from singing.
From the kumzits sit down sing along with the youth movement, to the Chassidic Tish around the rebbe's table, to Tefillah where we pray to songs that are not written to the prayer, to the post Shabbat Havdalah service, no matter what movement you're connected to, you're singing. You're singing songs of tradition. You're singing the lyrics of King David's Tehillim, the psalms of inspiration. Why rewrite the songs? We've had great lyrics for 3,000 years.
Here are many of the great songs of our tradition, that let us know we're singing as Jews. And some non-Tehillim Jewish greats, which remind us that people abandon tradition.

Shabbat Shalom Hey
Those are the lyrics. That's the song. The lyrics are great. No need to add to them. Though, somebody realized that adding a 'hey' to 'Shabbat' will make for an instant classic. They knew that adding another word, like an 'Oy,' would be too much. For the chorus, add in a few 'Shabbats,' make sure somebody high-pitches, and you've got a one of the greatest songs of all time.
After singing this song, you feel like you've celebrated eight Shabbats. This is why most people who sing this song stop keeping the laws of Shabbat after they sing this song, on Friday night, before getting home from shul.
Greatest Jewish song of all time, this is not sung at Tishes. Chassidim don't sing this or 'Shabbat Sha-a-ba-a-t Sha-a-lom.' 'Gutten Shabbat Hey' doesn't work. But I will suggest to the Chassidic community to take up, 'A Gutten Shabbat, Hey.' That has the right amount of syllables to bring it to the level of 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.' I just clapped it out.

David Melech Yisrael
'David the King of Israel lives and lasts.' A Jewish song not found in Tehillim. A bit of a let down, as King David wrote so many lyrics. Why sing about him, when you can be singing him? At least it's connected to Tehillim.
Right after 'Shabbat Shalom Hey,' this song is at the foundation of Jewish youth. The first song learned with a dance, nothing says joy like placing your supinated hand under your opposite elbow, while twiddling the fingers. And then it tops off with leaving out some of the words. You can't 'emmm emmm Melech Yisrael' without a smile. Add in a 'Chay Chay Pizza Pie' and you've set yourself up for a full day of Jewish laughter and good times.
Again, what truly makes this song great? It's the non-changing of the lyrics. You sing it in the verse, you sing it in the chorus. Why waste all that time trying to teach new words, when they already know the words from the verse?! You sing the song a bit faster and twiddle faster and 'emmm emmm' some of the words, and you have a classic. And when you lose the kids and need to change it up, 'Chay, Chay, Pizza Pie' that thing, and the children are back there with you, twiddling the fingers in the air, with that other hand holding it up. Like a torch of Jewish pride.

Hava Nagilah
Want to feel like you're in a movie? Play this song and walk in a circle.
I guess there is more than one song not found in Tehillim. There are more songs than I thought that are not connected to King David's lyrics. I blame the non-religious Jews for this. They know not of tradition.
This song is an American favorite, as not one American Jew understands what this song means. But who doesn't want to have a Negilah?
Non-Jews love this song. When you show up to a Jewish Simcha and celebrate with a huge nylon fluorescent Yarmulke on your head, you want to be circle dancing to this. No other song leads to the dance party with the DJ more than this Jewish great. You can only have true Nagilah when the Backstreet Boys are turned up.
If you're making a movie and you need to show Jews celebrating, what are you playing? You know it. Hava Nagilah. There is 'rejoice' and that is what Jews do. They dance in a circle with huge nylon fluorescent purple Yarmulkes. They rejoice in the glow of their Yarmulkes on the dancefloor.

Kookooreekoo Kookooreekoo Tarnigul Korah
'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' And people say that Israelis don't know how to write lyrics. My question is what does a rooster call?! Exactly. That's why we sing this and teach it to our children in Israel. Though there's no dance, this is still a classic.

Mizmor LDavid
The Friday night Tehillim special. This song extends Friday Night Davening with a dance. To extend the prayers even longer, you can add Nay Nay Nays here, and dance all the way to Shabbat dinner. And realize that you have to finish Davening.
King David wrote it. Those are our lyrics. 'Mizmor LDavid.' The great thing about the Nay Nays is that you can add them to any song. It's the perfect addition. Nay Naying gets you more life out of King David's words. Feeling inspired? You can Nay Nay all night, or till the congregants start leaving.

Jerusalem of Gold
What makes for a great Jewish song is a silence that leads up to an immediate crescendo by all. Everybody knows the chorus. Nobody knows the verses. The silence builds up the meaning.
'Jerusalem of Gold' is the only perfect Jewish song that is not based on Bible. A bit of a letdown. Yet, Jerusalem of Gold is old enough to be grandfathered into the Biblical lexicon. Something else making it Biblical is that thousands of songs have been written, based on it.
Every tourist to Jerusalem, writes a song about Jerusalem and the whitish-reddish limestones looking like gold. Maybe they're thinking of 3 karat gold. Nonetheless, Jerusalem's stone is 24 karat gold of the soul. Even greater.That's me bringing you some spirituality, and inspiring another song to be written with the words 'Jerusalem of gold.' I can feel an inspired reader changing it up and writing 'Jerusalem with gold.' I don't know. I do know there's a lot of inspiration right now.
The fact that it's song by a woman and most religious Jews will never listen to the song may tinge its Shabbat table appearance. Nonetheless, it's a great topper to 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.'

Leshana Haba BeYerushalayim
If it's in the Haggadah, it's a classic. And these words of saying that we want to be in Jerusalem next year are right there. The eighty versions of this song shows that it is not the tune, but the lyrics that make the song. As all the great Jewish classics, you stick to three words; and then you repeat those words in the chorus. 
The song is shaken up a bit when we say 'ha-ba-ah-ah,' but you have to take chances when you're a lyricist. Note: Never take too many chances with adding more than three words to a song. I'm not saying that 'Jerusalem of Gold' has poor writing; I don't know the words.
Nobody is going to Jerusalem next year. That would kill the song. It's such a good song. 
If Jerusalem were to have more Pesach hotels, things might change. Until then, we get to sing this song.

Kol HaOlam Koolo
Short enough that people don't need to Nay Nay Nay, 'All the world is a very narrow bridge' is a Jewish great and song in joy. There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than singing metaphors of death. That's why we sing this on Shabbat when we're with a group.
If you want to do Kiruv, inspire other Jews to be religious, this is the song. To encourage people to be religious, there is nothing more inspirational than singing about death. And as the song says, 'the key is to not fear.' As long as you are religious, there is nothing to fear. Only death. And that is why this song is sung at every youth group's Kumzits. Ensuring that Jews marry Jewish.
Jewish inspiration, Dveykus used this tune for six CDs.

I Was A Child and Now I am Old
Amazing lyrics. Almost as good as 'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' 
How can you not love this song of King David's words, ending the Birkat Hamazon (post meal blessing over food). Bringing the Kumzits and Shabbat ebbing feel to the meal of your choosing, this tune that continues the tune and message of 'Kol HaOlam Koolo,' brings that Jewish tear to your eye. The tear that can only make a Jew feel good about crying.
Stack the 'Now I am Old' on the 'Kol HaOlam Koolo' at the end of the meal, and that Shabbat guest is religious. That's what the classic Jewish songs do. They turn you religious and inspired to sing Nay Nay Nay.
Jewish song makes you want to walk in a circle, twiddle and think about your numbered days on earth. Where else can you twiddle and feel like you're connecting with Gd, while singing about death and celebrating? How can you not love these classics?  

***Upcoming: We'll be dealing in further depth with Nay Nay Nays, Simcha songs and how Lenny Solomon mastered the art of turning classics into classics.

Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home).

Pick The Right People to Attend
You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me.
I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me.

Save Money
If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them.
Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland.

Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online
It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby.

Mute Everybody for the Speeches
You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes.
Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha.

Seperate Families
You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen.
You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses.

Catering
Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet.
You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make.

Link the Registry
Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances.
 
Have a Dress Code
You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. 

In Conclusion
If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that.
So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration).
As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.'

EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON
Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat.
Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. 
It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it.
As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?'
Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch.

Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. 
There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help.

The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away.
But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha.

BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA
I learned this over the past year.

Proper Attire
You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks.
You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them.

Tip Your Webcam When You Stand
Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too.
Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now.

Eat the Food in Your House
Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. 

Dance with a Hand Raise
The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip.
Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. 

Show Your Blank Screen
Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. ​Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time.

Be Sure to Mute Yourself
You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full.

Clean Your House
We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it.
And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui.

Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time.
I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. 
I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy.

The two main traditions of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and to eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Layla Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.
The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise, is hard. What people who are lactose intolerant do for Shavuot, I do not know. Maybe they skip the holiday. Myself, I take this holiday seriously and do not sleep.
Let me share some of the methods that have helped me connect with this tradition, staying awake on Shavuot:
 
Eat a Long Meal
Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours of learning. I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class.
Eating and enjoyment on the holiday are also Mitzvahs. Hence, you want your meal to go as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For the solids, I was chewing up to 80 times. To extend the meal even longer with conversation, I didn’t talk with my mouth full. That was the first meal in my life where I sat with other people, eating, and had no conversation. People were asking me questions, but I was acting proper and waiting till there was no food in my mouth before answering them. I never answered them.
 
Stuff Blintzes
Don’t just eat. There is a myriad of ways you can stuff blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken, brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill up your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus.
 
Do Not Learn
If you learn, you will fall asleep.
The countless number of times I have fallen asleep over the years, in the Yeshiva’s Beis Medrash, is astonishing. The only ones not surprised were the rabbis.
 
Show up 20 Minutes Late to Class
Knowns as Shiur, the classes are going to happen with or without you. So, do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late.
If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes.
That trick got me fired. So, do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 my sophomore year in college.
 
Walk
Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that ensures you will not sweat. Therefore, it's not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday.
After eating, you will need to walk. The Neshama Yeteira, extra holy soul we receive on Shabbat and holidays, only needs so many calories. The rest will sit on you and stay after the holiday. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira doesn't leave, as I put on twelve pounds last Shavuot. I didn't even have twelve pound cakes; I had one. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira stays and it has a really slow metabolism.
 
Walk to the Kotel
Thousands from around Jerusalem, who stayed up all night, gather at the Kotel for the morning service. Start walking as early as you can. One year, I went straight from dinner to the Kotel, and I missed the morning prayer service. That is how successful I was at staying up all night.
Walking to the Kotel will help eat away learning time. Living in the outskirts of the city, such as Gilo, can be beneficial for this technique of staying up to learn without learning. If you live in Har Nof, that is your night.
This method works even better if you're living outside of Jerusalem. It may be forbidden, but the trek will keep you up for days.
 
Drink Coffee
I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It's more fun.
Ritalin also seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that the children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community.
Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form.

If none of this helps, bring up anything political and somebody will get passionate. That will keep you up. Bring up COVID, travel, anything about Israel or Donald Trump, and you will be kept occupied by their opinion. Just don't try responding with any ideas of your own, unless if you want to be kept up past sunrise. 

Lag BOmer is coming up this Thursday night. If you don't prepare right, you're going to be sitting there with a pathetic fire, roasting a marshmallow. 
I've been living in Israel long enough to know what a proper Lag BOmer bonfire is, and I am going to help you do it right.

Reason for the Fire
On Lag BOmer, we celebrate the death of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, known as the Rashbi. He is the rabbi who revealed the Kabbalah to us. We call this celebration a 'Heelulah' (a day of joy) as a rabbi’s death signals his reaching the culmination of his teachings, actions and deeds, and the ascendance of his soul. This also means they can’t come up with any new rulings of things that are forbidden for us to do. Which means that everybody should be celebrating, even the heretics.
The most celebrated Heelulah is that of the Rashbi. This is a huge celebration throughout Israel and we rejoice with bonfires. Here is my advice on how to celebrate the Heelulah based on what I witnessed in my own neighborhood.
 
Making The Bonfire
 
Background
Due to the light Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai brought to the world by revealing the mystical layer of the Torah, bonfires are lit throughout Israel. A Yahrzeit candle isn't big enough to create a Kabbalistic safety hazard... Emunah. Instead, we have the children go out and make huge fires without parental supervision.
The Rashbi is the only rabbi that gets the huge Yahrzeit fire. Other rabbis are stuck with a Yahrzeit candle. The general rabbi gets a 24 hour glass encompassed candle, sitting there by the sink, like everybody else. If you see a bonfire or huge flame by a regular Yahrzeit, you worry.
The positive about the regular Yahrzeit candle is that after you finish it, you got a shot glass. After the candle finishes, you can clean out that glass, and celebrate their passing with a shot.
They should have a BBQ size for other famous rabbis. Right now it's only the Yahrzeit candle or bonfire, and we are only willing to risk communal safety once a year.
 
Collecting the Wood Inside Israel
The kids of Israel collect anything they can find that burns. This includes trees, branches, and homes; and it is not considered an act of anti-Semitism. The children take their wood collection very seriously; so, hide all inanimate objects. This includes houses, plastic and older people.
There is a fine line between a child’s understanding of religious vigilante and paying respects to the Rashbi. The children will burn everything. Hide whatever you can. Put a sheet over your house if possible. Stand by your door. Let them know it belongs to your house. If you are not around for Lag BOmer, hire a neighbor to make sure they do not burn down your villa.
Comments overheard last Lag B’Omer from fuming neighbors:
‘Why are we missing our cabinets?’
‘Where is the bench? It was just here yesterday.’
‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’
‘Please put her back. She was sleeping.’
‘They burned my door last year. I boarded it up.’
The kids start collecting all immobile objects for this holiday six months in advance. If you are in Israel, guard your Schach, or your branches you used to cover the Sukkah will be gone. We couldn’t eat in our Sukkah the last time, because the kids took off the roof. This is another reason I suggest sleeping in your Sukkah, or at least taking shifts guarding it.
 
Collecting the Wood in the Diaspora
Collect anything flammable and bring it to the park. Different kinds of wood and flammable objects can easily be found around your home too: cabinets, tables, stools, couches, lamps, towels. I have seen towels burn after they were placed on lamps, so towels do burn. If you are using doors for your fire, it is suggested to unhinge them from the house before burning them.
Stay away from inflammable objects. Though kids in Israel like to burn plastic bags, they emit toxins into the air, as do televisions. Even though flags are flammable, one should not use Lag BOmer as a chance to protest.

Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in Israel
In Israel, last Lag BOmer, I learned that supermarket carts only cost 5 shekel. If you put the 5 NIS in the cart, it is yours. The children put the 5 NIS in the cart and then take the cart and load it with wood. If you pile it correctly over the sides, and takes up both sides of the street, you can push a good amount of your home in one trip. Bypassing the use of the parent’s car allows the children to burn more appliances. Loading a car with parents kills the joy of the holiday, especially when they make you return the table, cabinets and chairs to the kitchen.
 
Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in the Diaspora
In America, the carts are free. If you can, take a Costco cart. They are much bigger, and they cost nothing. It might look weird pushing your cabinets down the main street of your town in a shopping cart. But Costco does sell cabinets as well.
It's also important to find a place for your fire. The best spots in my neighborhood were found by the kids who saw smaller children and then kicked them out. That is a good way to find wood as well. The suggested flammables collecting technique. The bigger kids didn’t even have to bring their own wood.
 
What Happens at the Fire
There are many ways to use a fire. Most of them are dangerous. I suggest just watching it or eating marshmallows. Do not stick the marshmallows into the fire, unless if your fire is pathetic. That is a good way to burn yourself.
The kids in my neighborhood were running around it, throwing stuff into it. That reminds me. I forgot to add another item that is flammable; deodorant. Do not worry. The parents are not to blame for the danger of exploding bottles. The parents weren’t there to see it.
If you cannot make it to Israel, to fully connect with the tradition, make sure your fire is uncontained. In Israel, it is fine to make uncontained fires in the park. Your town might have issues with forest fires. If that is the case, take a couple of rocks and tell them it is contained. That usually seems to work. A couple of rocks at a height of four inches seems to contain flames. That is why I am assuming they always have rocks around the fires.
If you cannot make a fire, or your neighborhood doesn’t support uncontained fires, just eat marshmallows. That’s close enough to a bonfire experience. Playing a guitar is another bonfire experience. People see fires and play guitars. That seems to be what the guy playing the guitar enjoys. Nobody played guitar in my neighborhood last year. The kids threw that in the fire.

Though, I don't know what kinds of songs are proper for celebrating death, I have seen a lot of dancing. So get out there and party this Lag BOmer. It's the Rashbi's Yahrzeit, his Heelulah, so make it good times. And be sure to make a huge fire, to show that you too have Emunah (faith). 

As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, you can also celebrate with the tradition of taking bows and arrows to add to the danger of uncontained fires. If you're afraid that the cops will find your children on the streets with bows and arrows, throw them into the bonfire. The bows and arrows. Not your children.

We count 49 days from Pesach to Shavuot. Yet, every year, I mess up the counting.
Known as the Omer, counting, or Sefira, or Sefirat HaOmer, these 49 days are the greatest challenge of the Jewish people. Counting is not usually hard, but when you are required to do it, it's almost impossible.
Many feel alone and embarrassed when they forget to count the Omer. They have to tap out and see their countless friends walking with pride on the fifth day of the Omer. Your friends are still counting and gloating their achievement by saying the blessing in your face, and forcing you to say 'Amen' to your failure. None of you should feel alone.
Out of the millions that keep to this commandment, around 20 make it through to the end. I work in statistics, and the Jewish people is a large enough sample size to realize that I am not the only one who messes this commandment up.
Here are reasons I forget to count the Omer, and you do too:
 
72 Reasons I Forgot to Count the Omer
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I had to wait a whole day to get to the next number. I said ‘35’ and then somewhere, within those 24 hours, I forgot that the next day was number 36.
I saw a horse.
I had to put up the leftover lasagna in the microwave.
My sister asked me to watch her kids.
I was learning Torah.
Tax season. There were numbers involved with that too.
I went to sleep late.
I went to sleep early.
I went to sleep on time.
It was the third day of the Omer. I forgot to count the first two. You can’t decide to start counting on the third day.
Television.
The internet. I was trying to figure out if the padlock sign was really locked.
I asked somebody the day, they said what yesterday was. I got confused and that was it.
I missed Minyan. Not showing up to pray with other people, I learned that I cannot depend on myself.
I don’t look at my calendar. I miss a lot of meetings too. I should look at my calendar and be more dependable.
I asked somebody what day of the Omer it was. I was supposed to ask what day it was yesterday. I am such an idiot. I’ve got to learn how to ask questions.
I didn’t remember the day that was before. I said it, but I couldn’t remember.
Somebody asked me the day and I said it.
The second night of Pesach, after the seder, I said I was going to count. Then came the fourth cup of wine.
TV.
My upstairs neighbors were moving something. They did not lift their couch. Instead, they dragged it. So, I forgot.
I had school the next day.
I had to do homework.
A movie. I don’t even remember the movie. I just remember that it shifted my focus for long enough for me to forget to count.
I can’t focus for five minutes. I am going to have a hard time focusing for forty-nine days.
I don’t know if it is ADHD. I have a shorter attention span than that.
I went for a walk.
I was thinking.
I was thinking about the Omer.
I wasn’t thinking.
I think it was April 15th.
Left shul right after Maariv; just ran out, because we had to put the kids to sleep.
‘100 bottles of beer on the wall.’ I get lost at around 86. My attention doesn’t last that long.
When I go to sleep, I can count sheep up to fifteen. Then, I have to question if I truly got to fifteen, or if I skipped thirteen. Sefira, I mess up.
I forgot my niece’s birthday. It was a day.
I couldn’t find my other sock. So, I forgot.
I was on vacation.
It’s not something I get to decide on. It’s a requirement, and it is said at shul every night. And it’s something that is listed all over the internet and on every Jewish calendar, and on every Jewish handout and bulletin. Thus, I forget.
My niece’s piano recital.
Security at the supermarket.
I was on a flight and the pilot did not mention the day of the Omer, along with the altitude.
I remembered to count. And then, I forgot.
Dinner.
I didn’t know I was going to be asked to lead the Maariv service. If I would’ve known, I would’ve made sure to remember to count. I looked like a fool, who couldn’t say the Bracha.
There were no English subtitles on the Hebrew TV channel.
I had a cold.
I was at a baseball game.
I was never good at math. I always had to use popsicle sticks to count. I still had a hard time counting with popsicle sticks, as I was always trying to find the ices.
I was never good at English.
I was never good at social studies. That class confused me, because I thought it was history.
I don’t have decent reading comprehension skills.
I got into Yeshiva University because it is a Jewish school and they accept Jews.
I am bad at anything that has to do with school. Counting is one of them.
The TV was off. Somehow, that changed my focus.
I was online. I started reading news feeds and stuff my friends posted. Their posts made very little sense, but it kept me occupied for a very long time.
Got a call to help out in the house. Had to take it. Forgot the Omer, and got home late.
I have a chart in my kitchen, on the fridge, and near my bed. Still forgot.
The first night of the Omer counting is the second night Passover Seder in America. Nobody said anything after the Pesach Seder. I didn’t drink much at that Seder.
In Israel, there is no Seder on the second night. I forgot to count the first night.
A movie was on. It was very intriguing. I also do not remember what this one was about.
It was August.
My silent prayer took too long at Shul. And then, when I finished, everybody was already past the blessing for the Omer.
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I was reading an excellent article.
A fly was in my apartment.
Nobody reminded me to count. That was their fault.
I went to sleep.
I got up.
I thought about why I am counting. I still have no idea what the Omer is. I have no idea what I am counting. Yet, I count and it’s meaningful.  

​Now you know you're not alone. There are many other Jews that are also not doing a good job of keeping the Mitzvot. I hope that makes you feel better.
I don’t think I've ever made it the whole way through the full 49 days of counting. If nothing goes wrong this year, if I stare at the calendar, don’t talk to anybody and I don’t fall asleep, I think I can make it through the full Omer count. 

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is coming up this week. Brachot!!!
There are many ways to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut. In Israel, some throw confetti. Some take white foam and shpritz others that will not appreciate it. I take the white foam cans from the children and whack them with it.
The one tradition that all Israelis share is the BBQ at the Park. Saying the Hallel prayer of thanks, waving Israeli flags, and Israeli dancing are not practiced by all. All Israelis agree on eating. So, if you want to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut like an Israeli, here’s how do the BBQ:

Make a Mangal
The Known as Mangal, the Israeli BBQ, is tiny. Israel is a small country, and therefore we cook on a BBQ that is too small to cook on. It is traditionally the size of a matchbox. If it can fit both a hotdog and chicken wing on it at the same time, it is too big.
You can find these contraptions for outdoor cooking in Israeli grocery stores, such as Super, Giant, Mega, Great, Huge and Gadol, and any other name for extremely big. These supermarkets will also provide you with the necessary food items for the family, such as 50 gram bags of family party size Doritos.
To add to the full feel of a holiday, yell at the family. The Mangal allows for great addition to the holidays spirit by yelling at the kids. If they complain, you can respond with, ‘You just had half a hotdog an hour ago. Think of the other people for once!’ Then justify the lack of production, by having people think you are cooking with a crockpot, with sentences like, ‘It is time-cooking, takes time.’ This statement works perfectly with an Israeli accent.
To make it a fuller Israeli experience, talk with as much of a lisp as possible. You should also remember to pronounce every silent letter that is not supposed to be there, such as the ‘e’s in ‘people.’
Remember, holidays are about memories, not enjoyment.

Do Not Eat Falafel
No real Israeli eats falafel on Yom HaAtzmaut. We are celebrating freedom on this day. We are not celebrating the fact that we are located in the Middle East. We are trying to forget that today.
I understand that your diaspora community serves falafel on this day, but we Israelis celebrate Israel. We are not celebrating extreme uses of oil today. We do that on Chanukah.
Shawarma is fine, as it reminds people of Israel

Purchase Chicken Dogs
It's most impossible to find beef dogs in Israel. The chicken dog tradition is because we should not enjoy ourselves too much. We must always remember the destruction of the Temple, and not having beef hotdogs is a good reminder.
I don’t get it. But that seems to be what people do in Israel. The fact that they look like beef dogs before they are cooked, adds something to the holiday. Again, I do not understand how people are satisfied with this lack of enjoyment; but the Temple was destroyed, and I remember how beef dogs taste.

Wave at the Fire
The number one Israeli tradition on Yom HaAtzmaut is to Nifnoof. Nifnoofing is the way to keep an Israeli mangal going. The correct Nifnooging practice is to find a piece of cardboard in the trash at the park. Then, you wave at the fire in hopes that it won't stop, by greeting it.

Have At Least Men Working on the Mangal
You want to cook in quorum form, as it is communal experience.
The most manly act, know to man, is BBQ or Mangaling. If you, as a man, see another man there, you want to make sure to claim your spot near the Mangal. Even if you have no Nifnoofing implement, you can still stand there and wave, or talk. Talking by the Mangal also shows your manliness, also known as being a Gever. Note: You don't want to be talking near the salads. Though, talking near the salatim, dips, is acceptable.

Do Not Use an Electric or Gas BBQ
That is too easy. All good Jewish holidays need preparation and cleanup. You just finished Pesach, you should know this.

Go to the Park & Occupy It
Don’t just do the BBQ. Go to a crowded park and share in what the world calls the occupation.
Bring chairs. When practicing the occupation, you want to be prepared with comfort. A lot of families like to bring couches and tables, so that the other people know that they are moving there. You might want to put together a moving team to help with your refrigerator.
It is almost impossible to find a place in the parks on Yom HaAtzmaut. After searching for 5 hours you will find many dads protesting, ‘We have found a spot, we are not leaving… I can care less if you are tired... We still have to get the second chicken dog going on the Mangal...’ 
If the park is closed this year, to show solidarity, you can pull out a bed and box-spring to your lawn.

Bring a Portable Speaker to the Park
This will allow you to connect with the modern Israeli tradition of playing the music you like extremely loudly. This also helps with claiming your spot in the park. Many families come to overcrowded parks, walk around blasting Netta Barzilai, and space opens up.
You can do this by blasting your own Uncle Moishy with your subwoofers. Blasting that out of the back of your car will definitely chase everybody else out of the neighborhood.

Cook on The Ground
When you do a Mangal, you want to connect to the land. Israel is holy land, and we therefore connect to it when we eat. You still eat at a table. You're not an animal.

So, take over the park or your front lawn. Hang that Israeli flag (if you're in America, don't hang an American flag- Americans will protest that). Blast that Jewish music you love, maybe some Shteeble Hoppers, and get the Hebrew pumping in your veins. Try to find some chicken dogs at some discount store, make that BBQ a Mangal, and wave at it like a good Nifnoofer. Your neighbors might even think you're saying 'Shalom' to them, and start to like the Jews.
​Remember: It's Independence Day, and as any good American, we Israelis celebrate with a BBQ.