Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.

Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. 
Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. 
To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul.
The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. 

How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security.
Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me.

They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us.
CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you.
The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions."

This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions.
Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator.
Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs.
I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back."

Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people.
Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family.
If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant.
Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need.

The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad.
At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul.

I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling.
They CSF team so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us.

If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator.
Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. 

I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses.
On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker.
It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need.
And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway.

Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
 
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review.

To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time.
Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening.
 
Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea.

Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. 
 
Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist.
It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that.
 
We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks.
 
Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven.
 
Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. 
So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community.
During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam.
For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes.
 
JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible.
 
My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete.

Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea.
 
Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team.
Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence.
The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain."
Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. 
If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe.

On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that.
That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain.
That was almost positive.

"I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens.
 
Something positive happened. It will come to me.
 
It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew.
 
Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos.
Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too.
 
Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters.
Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains.
Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel.

The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel.
 
Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar.
Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you.

The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime.

Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long.
(I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.)
 
Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too.
 
That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out.

Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives.

I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..

People really hate Jews. They hate us everywhere. I'm not just saying that. I've been to shul. The membership there doesn't even like each other.
After watching the news this week, it seems they are coming up with more reasons to hate us. I didn't know that was possible. At this point, is it necessary? They have so many reasons already.  
They’ve kicked us out of their countries because we were successful. They kicked us out of their countries because we were poor. They massacred us in their countries. Yet, they are still coming up with more reason to kick us out of their countries.
Here are some new reasons I found out this past week to hate Jews. And some older restored reasons to hate Jews that they forgot about for a few years.

We have all the money. Somebody told me Nick Cannon said this. So, there is truth to it. Wild N' Out is not just an improv rap show. It's a place to get a sense of the economic makeup of American society. Nick Cannon was hired by Jewish people at some point, and they must have had money. It doesn't take much to deduce that Jews have all the money, if you have money they used to pay you.
Turns out Bill Gates is Jewish. He has money. I just deduced that.

We have somebody involved in politics. We run that too. I deduced that too.

They've been listening to the news. And the news says to hate Jews. And now they trust the media. The forecast guy can't get one thing right. But he knows the Jews are murderers.
And the Jews run the news. The Jews want people to hate them.

We got attacked. They hate us because they attacked us.
We defend ourselves. They hate us more.
We say it's wrong to kill the Jews. They hate us even more. And they want to kill us.

Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson said to hate us. I believe there is a shared quote, "We are mad at Ben Shapiro, so you should hate Jews." And because they are mad at Ben Shapiro, the Jews ran the slave trade. They were the sole owners of all slaves. And they drink the blood of everybody.
And Tucker Carlson has not yet met a Jihadi Jew. Which means that Jews are racist. And we are not doing our part in globalizing the Intifada.

The blood libels weren't enough. Candace is coming up with new ones. Like the Gemara runs the banks. And now she is monetizing the blood libels. I heard from a confidant that Candace Owens is producing a horror film starring Jewish vampires who are looking for the Kosher blood of Catholic babies. Mel Gibson has agreed to a cameo. I heard but I didn't really hear. But I did hear. If you know. She is also looking for Mashgichim to give their blessing to the blood, for Kosher certification.

​Jews are not good enough friends. As described by Megyn Kelly, good friends take up their friends' lies, and they don't argue with them when it comes to hating the Jews. And Tucker Carlson made it clear that Ben Shapiro is not one of those good friends. Which is why you should hate Jews.
I personally am Jewish, and I have missed some birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese. Which is why everybody on my little league baseball team, The Carriage Cleaners, now hates Jews.

Shanon Sharpe and his buddy, Ochocinco, said that the Jews are running everything. Nightcap is the podcast people get their information on football players from the nineties, how to be unfaithful to your partner, and in-depth political analysis on how Jews run the world. Which consists of, "Jews run the world." "I know they do." "Exactly. Everything." "The information is right there. We have the receipts." I believe that's how they proved that. 
I found out the Jews are not running their show. Which is why they hate Jews. It turns out the Jews run everything in the world, but NIghtcap. Nightcap is the only thing they don't run.
Nick Cannon doesn't know the Jews run the world. He just thinks they have all the money. That's because he hasn't watched Nightcap, and doesn't know about the Beastie Boys. Who, as everybody knows, run the world of rap. I just deduced that.

We run businesses. Unfortunately, many of them are profitable.

We've acknowledged people who say they hate us. The people who hate us hate that. Using the word anti-Semite to define an anti-Semite really gets an anti-Semite mad.
You can't use the word "antisemitism" anymore, unless if it's against the Arabs. The people of Gaza have claimed that, along with "genocide." Which I now realize I have been misinterpreting. Genocide, in modern dialect, means to protect oneself. Which the Jews are guilty of perpetrating.
Jews defending themselves causes a lot of hatred. And on top of that, to claim that the Holocaust was a genocide, that is retroactive cultural misappropriation.

Kanye West doesn't hate the Jews anymore. At least as of yesterday. That's a reason to hate us. I don't think I understand one thought of his. I am questioning if I should hate myself now.
​I heard Kanye West apologized to the Jews. Biggest mistake of his career. Now he lost all his fans to Dave Chappelle. And now people hate the Jews and Kanye West.

We pulled out of Gaza. They wanted us to leave, we pulled back. Now they hate us because we listened.
Hamas kills their own civilians. They're fine with their own people dying. And that is Israel's fault. They hate us because Hamas did... I truly do not understand any of this. And I still don't get how these people have money, when we have all of it. I am not good at deducing everything.

The fact is we ruined the post October Seventh celebration they were all having. That was rude. And they hate us.

They worked so hard hating us. You put so much effort into something, you want to see the fruits of your labor.
I hope I’m not giving them more ideas.

America. We live there. They hate that.

The Intifada is being globalized. That's our fault. It would've been done already if we were Hamas.

They teach it at the universities. So, it must be true. 

​Qatar has a lot of money. So, they hate us. And Qatar is Jewish. I deduced that as well.

We killed terrorists. Israel has taken out people who are trying to kill Israelis. Dave Chappelle has a problem with that. And thus, because he only shares facts in his show, it is true, and you should hate Jews.

​​Those are the new reasons to hate Jews this week. We shall see what those wacky Jew haters come up with next week. 

Postscript
To note, there are a lot of people who love Jews, because they know we have all the money. I deduced that. You see. I'll explain. If somebody has all the money, you want to be friends with them. This way, they can share it with you. The only problem is that, because of Ben Shapiro, Jews aren't good friends. 

Do not go to the mall for your Chanukah experience. ​I was walking through the mall, got home, and I found myself humming songs about mistletoe. And that was in August. That seems to be when they start celebrating Christmas. 
I was shopping for Chanukah. Not fun when you have to buy stuff for family. And I realized I can't enjoy shopping for Chanukah in the malls of Upstate New York. There is nothing Jewish, other than Christmas songs written by Jews. 
You can't have a Jewish experience shopping. They have taken over every store. Even the CVS logo now is red and white.

It's all Christian. They decorate the mall with every Christmas reef and pine tree, and red pair of socks they can find. Then you see a Chanukah night light they found at the Dollar Tree. Stores are decked out in red and white, and a tiny Chanukiah in the corner. A little electric Chanukiah, just in case the lights on the Christmas tree go out. Got their huge tree and a Chanukiah ornament for the Jews, to let the Jews know they can shop at JCPenney. 
Christians deck. They deck out the whole area. Decking halls. Jews, we place. We have been relegated to the placement of an electric Chanukah Menorah.

Don't take the kids to the mall for the holiday experience. It turns out Santa is not Jewish. That was a shocker the first time I found that out. It's called Ma'arat Ayin. He’s got the beard, but then he's got the red hat. That should've been a dead giveaway right there. It might have been because I was used to the Chabad rabbi with the Tefillin in that spot at the mall.
The mall will try to do a lot of stuff to make the holidays good for all. And that means that Santa will also let Jewish kids sit on his lap. How Santa gets away with that?! Our rabbi once shook a kid's hand and got fired.
I for one don’t consider it a Chanukah experience to have our children lighting a Chanukiah night light with Santa and his elves, on Santa's recliner. And then he gives the Jewish kids gifts too. On his recliner?! He’s creepier than the candy man at our shul. It’s called proselytizing.
They even claimed candy canes. You can't even even eat candy now without being a heretic. Nothing for your Jewish kid to enjoy. Nothing blue. All red. The mall is all Christian stuff and a blue snow cone. If you're lucky. And they probably don't sell those during the Christmas season. Which starts in July.

They can't even give us Chanukah. We can't get eight days. Just eight days. Still hearing the Christmas songs on the radio. The mall is blasting Christmas songs. And the Jews now write these songs now. Might as well write the songs. "If you can't beat them, make money off them." That's what I say.
They start playing the Christmas songs half a year in advance. Thanks to Mariah Carey they now have enough songs. "Twelve Days of Christmas." Their song should be "Twelve Months of Christmas with Mariah Carey."
It's Chanukah and they're celebrating Christmas. They're offended if you wish them a Happy Hanukah. Even leaving out the "Chet," they get offended. You have to say "Happy Holidays" on Chanukah, a month before Christmas.

And shopping for the kids isn't fun. For some reason, I don't like spending all of my money.
My advice. Don't go shopping. Don’t buy your kids anything. If there is one thing that ruins the holiday, it’s going broke on a new gaming console. For some reason, something that can make your kids feel so good can make your feel so bad.
And now that Christmas Tree Shops went out of business. I can't go anywhere to get my Chanukah stuff. The best place you could find in Upstate New York to find Chanukah decorations was the Christmas Tree Shops. And now that it's gone, I have to ask Santa to help me get some Chanukah gifts.

I expected to see something Jewish at the mall. Nothing. The closest thing I saw was a two for one sale at Kohl's. And that was at a strip mall. Santa doesn't sit at strip malls in Upstate New York. After the first four months of Christmas, it gets to cold outside. 
Can't even buy clothes. I wanted a sweater. They've cornered the sweater market. All Christmas. Even the Chanukah sweater was a Christmas sweater. A woven Christian Chanukiah. I can't buy anything knitted till after the first of January. 
And then I was thinking of sending my friend a holiday card. Nope. Can't do that either. No Chanukah cards. Just Christmas cards. Nothing.
Everywhere. They're even wearing the hats in November. In November now. They encroach on us. Can't give us anything. Christmas is supposed to be one day. And the Santa hats don't even keep you warm.

I was trying to find Chanukah candles. That's what led to this. I needed Chanukah candles. Couldn't find them anywhere. Not even at Wegmans supermarket. Though, the Kosher section had tinsels. Then, I show up at Target. Thank Gd they have all that Christmas stuff there. They had just enough Christmas stuff to be able to justify their Menorah candle bin in the corner, next to the Silly Putty.

All I am asking for is eight days to wish people a Chanukah Sameach. The rest of the year, enjoy Christmas.
I just want some Chanukah. Something. Everything is red and white. Stop signs. They even have stop signs. Every time I need to slow my car down, I'm reminded of Christmas. For eight days. That's all I ask. Blue and white stop signs for eight days.
One song. Even have a Jew write us our song. Something Jewish. Something about Chinese food. Eight days of something other than a Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" and the Dreidel song. Something other than the Dreidel song, which I am sure has something to do with Christmas.

With all this, I want to thank Chabad for trying to bring the Chanukah spirit to my shopping experience. Chabad, fighting for the Army of H', brought in one of those huge Chanukiahs. An eighth of the size of the Christmas tree. I know they did, because I peeked behind the tree, pushed aside the branches, and was able to see one of the candles, giving an extra glow to the ornaments.

​I understand if you can't avoid Christmas. It's everywhere. If you have to, do what you can and make your Christmas at the mall a Chanukah experience.
Go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap yourself. When was the last time you sat on a grown man's lap?! Ask Santa to talk to the rabbi about making his sermons shorter. Maybe write a song about deer and snow, and make money. They've claimed snow too.
Go shopping in January, during the first month of Christmas, when they have the sales. Make it a positive Jewish experience. Give your kids Chanukah gift cards so they can enjoy Chanukah after Chanukah.
And that is how Yeshiva Week began.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about injured people parking, announcements for people to come to shul, and Mountain Dew being founded with the establishment of the modern state of Israel, as if they did something wrong, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of his kitchen and how he doesn’t clean up the bags.

Let me tell you about my youth collecting baseball cards. And how a Torah Jew came to being.

I was around nine years old. It was fourth grade. That's when it all started. Fourth grade. It must've been fourth grade. I can't remember. The only thing I can remember from that year is jawbreakers. I ate a lot of jawbreakers. Which I found out, was not good for your jaw. And then our science teacher kept on talking about pizza pies. I thought we were supposed to be learning about planets, and she has us thinking about anchovies. She was obsessed with pizza pies.
I was very focused on getting some Pete Rose cards. At the time, I had no idea he was into gambling. If I knew, I would've tried to get some tips. I remember overhearing my dad getting stock tips from his friends. They were always "winners," but half the time they were bad. I am sure Pete Rose had better tips.
At the time, I never wanted to be a winner. Due to my dad's friends, to this day, I root for the underdogs. The losers have more of a chance of winning. I'm sure Pete would agree. Which is why he bet on baseball. And which is why I don't bet on the S&P 500.

It was 1986. That was the year I started getting involved in collecting. The year after the cool looking cards of 1985. The year after the valuable cards. 1986, the only year that it’s impossible to find a card in mint condition. Topps 1986 comes ruined. Who makes baseball cards with a black background??? The idiot.
I've never seen a decent corner on a 1986 card. Donruss and Fleer followed suit that year. Those cards are also impossible to find decent. If anybody has a 1986 baseball card without a ding, please let me know. It's got to be valuable.
Topps had it all that year. Dings, off centered, and the worst rookies. Right when I started collecting. They didn't even have the Jose Canseco. If they did, he would've ratted them out, and nobody would've bought those cards.
Every card came off centered. It was like 1989 Donruss. Topps saw their 1985 football cards and asked, "How can we create the look of those cards that comes messed up?! 1985 football. Nobody liked those. And let's leave the good rookies out, to give the full experience."
I got one 1986 card with one perfect corner. I cherished that card. Offcentered as anything. Half the card wasn’t even there. It was a Cecil Fielder and some other random guy. No idea. I think it was Cecil fielder's left elbow. I'm almost positive. I puzzled it up against a Cecil Fielder that was three quarters of a Cecil Fielder card. That was the closest to a full card I pulled from that pack. The guy cutting the cards was going for a three for one. He was trying to make every card into a multiple rookie highlights card. A historical fact I learned from much collecting: It's the Topps cutting guy that inspired Fleer to put more than one guy on a card.

1985 Topps are some of the most amazing cards ever made. My goal was to get those. The team name in the tilted rectangular box. And then the block letters. Looked so cool. Ever since I saw those, I only wrote in block letters and at an angle, and I got bad grades.
By the time I started collecting, they didn’t have the 1985 packs at 7-Eleven, so that didn’t happen. That was how my luck worked. I also got a papercut from Don Mattingly, and I missed out on high school in the 1980s. I never witnessed the full effect of Karma Chameleon.
7-Eleven was where I went to pick up cards. I would pick up the packs, pull out a card that was worth four thousand dollars and retire. That was my business plan. I also picked up cards at card shops and shows, when I wanted to feel like I was getting ripped off. We’ll get into the 1990s and why I collected Jerome Walton another time. It was only later that I found out that the most valuable card in 1986 Topps was worth four dollars, in 2008. With perfect corners.

But it was the year, 1986, where Topps celebrated Pete Rose. They figured, "We celebrated him in 1985. People like him. Let us celebrate him again." If Pete Rose was the member of my shul, every fundraiser would be in his honor. 
1986 had The Pete Rose Years legacy cards, illustrating all of his Topps cards. That was my introduction to the love of baseball cards. I wanted to get every one of them.
Pete Rose, "Charlie Hustle," is baseball. Those cards spoke to me like history. Like I was connecting to something greater than myself. Legacy. And hopefully a lot of money. It turns out those weren't the original cards. I did not have the Pete Rose rookie card. I had a card that had a picture of the Pete Rose rookie.
​Before Nolan Ryan's five thousand strikeouts, Pete Rose was the only accomplishment of note Topps could think of.

Those cards got me into Pete Rose. The only cards that didn't come dinged. I loved those cards with the yellow red background. 
My initiation into baseball came from a man of legacy. And that is what baseball cards do. They celebrate legacy and a desire to gamble.
When it comes to legacy, as a fan you can't see the dings. And that's why I remember how great Pete was. What he gave us all. And that's 1986 cards without dings, that are worth nothing.

Collectors celebrate legacy, and pay way too much for it. And it’s that legacy that makes America great. 
Now you can see how being Mevatel Torah makes a good Jew.

And then came 1986 Topps Traded, and I felt like an idiot. Because I spent all my money on the bad set.

Later On
Today those 1986 cards are worth nothing. If they're in gem mint, millions. Because you can't find them.

Pete Rose bet for his team. That's a good manager. Betting on his team to win, even without Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan. A man committed to his team. That's the kind of guy I want running my ballclub. A guy who cares. A man who has a lot riding on the games. Which is why he was always yelling at umpires. "I don't care if that's a strike. I have forty thousand dollars on this!"
And after Pete Rose, so many other players weren't inducted into the hall of fame. Players like Mark McGwire, who made the game better with the use of steroids. 
Some types of gambling are forbidden according to Jewish law. However, betting on a game you're in, that's questionable. I believe I heard that from Chauncey Billups. 

And who would you see at the card shows? Pete Rose. He would be at every card show. Every card shop. He would be everywhere. He was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah, and he wasn't even invited. He was committed. He continued to give us that legacy. That smile and that baseball hat with the visor he never touched. He was the look of baseball. The reason for so many Cincinnati fans betting on games.
​He lived baseball. He was baseball. He knew who he was. A man that found his life's work in what he did. What a blessing. To be able to gamble on what you do.
As a fan, I learned commitment from Pete Rose. And that is why I follow the legacy of the Jewish people, Torah. And I am betting that the Torah life is worth a lot. I hope betting on Torah is allowed according to the Torah.

***I had to add that last part to make it meaningful for the rabbis who signed off on my Smicha. They gave me rabbinic ordination so I could share these stories of inspiration.

People are worried. They have no idea what they can say to my Jewish friends. I will tell you, I've never said anything that has not bothered my brethren.
Here are things you shouldn’t say to your Jewish friends who love their people, especially now. Something I've learned from experience.

"I heard this on the BBC."
Anything on from the BBC. You want to bother your Jewish brothers and sisters, repeat anything you heard on the BBC. Anything within the last hundred or so years.
You can also mention CNN, MSNBC or anybody reporting the news that is not JNS.

"The British Parliament voted for..."
Quote the British Prime Minister. Anything he says. There's something about that accent that yells, "I hate Jews."
With that in mind, bring up JD Vance. Since his trip to Israel there's not one Jew that likes that guy. He’s the one unifying factor among the right and left-wing Jews.
Better yet, quote anybody. Something anti-Semitic will come out.
Even better. Say you support UNRWA.
Wait. Even better. Quote any guest that Piers Morgan brought on to argue with Douglas Murray.

"I don't think it's important to be in Israel. Their problems are their problems."
That sounds like an American Jew who supports Israel.

"I got a good deal on a flight to Israel."
Everybody will hate you.

"I got a good deal on Jewish day school."
They will hate you even more.

"I got a good deal on brisket."
They will hate you. And then ask you how that happened.

"I voted for Mamdani."
I don’t believe your Jewish brothers and sisters will appreciate you for trying to save on rent. I see how savings fits our cause as a people. I don't see how that helps Israel, yet.

"I got a raise."
Nobody wants to hear that right now. Especially when they just lost their job due to rent stabilization.

"Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson."
Just those names. I got a twitch just hearing that. Take a moment. Listen to that again. "Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens." I just got a crick in my neck.
Those two. It's now tradition to spit when hear their name. And then to throw in a Yiddish curse. Which helps bring up more phlegm.
And then say, "It is true. Because Candace said it." Oh. That will really piss them off.

"You're invited to my son's Bar Mitzvah."
Oh shoot. That's going to kill the weekend.

"I'm getting honored."
Oh shoot. I already made plans. Wish you would've told me earlier. “I didn’t tell you when I was getting honored.” I have plans for that day.

"Since October Seventh the number of Jews keeping Shabbis and putting on Tefillin..."
Maybe it's me. I don't want to hear anything positive about October Seventh. I am a fan of mourning. I like keeping things negative and me out of trouble.
These people seem so happy. Nothing fazes them. Like the war is the greatest Jewish outreach program ever created. "All these Jews are now saying Shema every day. And the religious unity. The amount of Kiruv Rechokim. B"H for Gaza."
They go off on how everybody came together. That was until they found out the Charedim, ultra-orthodox, aren't doing the army. That was a shocker. It was a surprise because they saw the Charedim putting on Tefillin, and yet they hadn't been to Gaza.
They finally found a way to unite Jews. Thanks to Hamas. As if up to this point, antisemitism hasn't done its job of bringing Jews together. But thank Gd for suffering. The more we suffer, the more we see people putting on Tzitzit and Tefillin.

"It happened because Jews were fighting and sinning."
Anything about October Seventh bothers me. I believe in the Torah and how Gd controls the world. Just don't tell me about it.
Everybody is thinking it, waiting for you to flinch and say it. Don't. I'm waiting for one of those rabbis to come out and say it's because of the sinners, so that he can establish himself as a legitimate Kabbalist.
Any thoughts on hostages, that will anger people. We want them good and safe, and their families well. That should be all you're allowed to say. That should be a law: No sharing your thoughts. That would truly bring about Jewish unity. War is not necessary. Just no sharing what you think. Only share thoughts on Bibi. That's it.
If Jews didn't share their opinions we would have Shalom. If I never knew what Menachem was thinking, I might like the guy.

"My parents are coming to visit."
​Do you know how many Jewish marriages were ruined the past year because of that statement.

"We're going to Florida for Yeshiva Week."
Just confirming your vacation is ruined and you will not be able to enjoy walking down Surfside.

"All is good in Israel."
Nobody wants to hear things are good. That just makes things worse. Nothing is good!!!

"The price of Kosher meat is not that bad. I got brisket at twenty-five dollars a pound."
Now we can't complain and that bothers us. It's crazy expensive and we can't complain.
Say the brisket pun. "How do you perform a circumcision? With a Bris Kit" That will galvanize the community in hatred. You can also repeat your jokes like any of the membership at my shul. You will elicit a lot of anger. The more you repeat it, the more self-hatred you will bring forth.

"There's this great new Kosher smokehouse."
Thank you for killing delis for all of us.

"The war is over. I think the ceasefire..."
That's a great way to get everybody going at each other, while presenting their political platforms and announcing their candidacy for Knesset at the Shabbat table.
"Ceasefire" means the war will never end. And for some reason, that bothers people.

"I hate Jews."
For some reason that still bothers us.

You sneezing.
Any noise coming out of an orifice since COVID will get a lot of nasty looks. Why? Because your sneezing is going to kill everybody at shul. Want to really get everybody mad and cursing you out, cough.
Allergies. That will get you kicked out of the Jewish community.

"My kids moved to Israel."
Why can't you just stop there?! Why do we have to now hear about the grandkids and how much they love Bnei Akiva?!
Your Nachis. Nobody wants to hear your Nachis. If there is one thing that bothers people more than your opinion on Dead Sea salinization, it's the pride you take in your family.

"I am dedicating our vacation down in Florida to Israel."
Somehow, that doesn't help Israel.

"This is what I think Charedim should be doing..."
Nobody wants to know your political opinions right now.
There is a way out of getting in trouble for this statement. You can join the army, serve in Tzahal for three years, and then you can make this statement. With a little commitment, you can also hate Charedim.

That's a fairly exhaustive list. I hope it helps. Just try to stay away from sharing your opinions or sneezing.
You're going to mess up. If you talk, you're going to mess up, and you will remain single. But try. Try to wait for them to mess up and share their opinions on Israel and the new high-speed train from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem first.

Now that Zohran Mamdami is mayor, the question is what should New York Jews do. Now that an anti-Semite is running the city, it's hard to figure out if the city that has been so Jewish friendly will still have delis. I'm sorry. I know many Jews voted for Mamdani, and they will be offended by me calling him an anti-Semite. And I understand that just because somebody says that everybody in Israel should die doesn't make them an anti-Semitic. I shall rephrase. It's scary having such a Jew hater running the New York City government.
Don't worry. I shall help you. Here are some things you can do as a New York Jew.

Move. Move anywhere. Move to New Jersey. It will at least give you a couple of years of feeling like Americans like you.

Enjoy a deli sandwich. New York delis are the one thing you still have. Go to Essen New York Deli before it goes down to Florida, or goes Halal by law. 
You know Mamdani is going to take the Kosher deli and say the Jews stole it from the Arabs. As an act of social justice, he's going to reappropriate Kosher. Yes. I do harp on the fact the guy wants to destroy Israel. For some reason, that affects my thinking. I am Jewish.
To note, pastrami on rye tastes different down in Florida. The water isn't as good.

Pray. Mamdani became mayor because H’ wants you to say Tehillim.
Since the ceasefire, things were going too well for a month. The news was getting real boring, and we thought people liked us again. So, we stopped believing in Gd. Life was looking too good. Some even stopped saying Tehillim. B"H Mamdani is now mayor, and we have a reason to pray again.
Who needs Gd when life is good? The ones getting screwed over. 

Rethink your Judaism. If you're not, you are not woke enough. If you don't hate yourself, you should be questioning what kind of Jew you are.
Before we go on, I want to thank the good Jews of New York who voted for Mamdani. The thirty percent of Jews voted for him. Which means that seventy percent of the New York Jews are not ashamed of themselves, and thus not good Jews.

Enjoy the free stuff. Is there anything more Jewish. Is there any greater Bracha than free food. Did getting the free school Kosher food packages not make COVID worth it. Do we need more proof that Karl Marx had Jewish ancestry. Do we need more proof that Mamdani is an anti-Semite. Running on the platform of everything being free, just to get the Jewish vote. Oh. It's good to have an anti-Semite in office.

Wear a Bigger Kippah. Those huge knit Carlebach and Na Nach Kippahs look like a Jewish Kufi. That should be safe. It helps when they can't figure out why they hate you. 
​And Frum women should wear the snood and Tichel head scarf, or Jewish Keffiyeh. Keep them guessing. 
Baseball hats are not safe anymore. Religious Jews have depended too long on those for protection against Jew hatred. A Jew should not be going undercover as a citizen of the United States with a visor and Payis. It’s suggested and safer to go around America undercover as somebody who hates America. A COVID mask and a Keffiyeh around the neck as an Ashkenazi Jew should do the job. 
Note of Safety: Make sure you wear your Jewish Kufi in the right neighborhoods. Keep your baseball hat in the car for American loving neighborhood safety. There are still people who love America a bit too much. And those people can be dangerous. 

Worry. That’s an activity and a Jewish tradition. I’m just trying to help. Trying to give you something to do. And I feel like a better Jew sounding like an anti-Semite. 

If you voted for Mamdani, study what it means to be an anti-Semite. That is an activity that will keep you busy for the next few years. Maybe write a doctoral thesis on how free stuff makes somebody a lover of Jews. 
Study the dichotomy found in how one can be a Jew hater, even when bringing down their rent. 

Maybe push for free Kosher stuff. We should be protesting the cost of Kosher. Some have said, "Let's wait and see what happens with the new mayor." The truth is yet to be seen. Will Mamdani have a free Kosher supermarket?! Is there a budget that can handle that?! The answer is “no.”

Move to Florida. It’s what you're going to do as a New Yorker. Now you can do it earlier. 
Even if you stay in New York, retire now. You will make more money not working.
Historical Note: Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move Israel. A much better job than the Jewish Agency. We have to thank the Jew haters. Nothing does more for Aliyah than violence against Jews. And a true Mamish anti-Semite running New York, there’s no greater Bracha.

Make Aliyah. That was a joke. What kind of fool would do that. Of course, I meant move to Florida.
I'm sure Essen Hollywood New York Florida Deli will be good.

Boy. I love Jew haters. It's hard to get out of loving the free stuff. I'm going to join all those protests where people wear a mask. If I get off on rent, I am leading the anti-Israel movement. From the Statue of Liberty to Brooklyn New York will be free.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

Title:   Gazawood
 
Genre: Benny Hill meets M.A.S.H. in Gaza
                         Reality Series for Streaming Services. So that people have access
                         even if their government will murder them.
 
Log-line: Town of Gazans in Gaza. All are Hamas and Palestinian Authority Terrorists. Telling the world Israel has killed every Gazan, and somehow, they are alive, all is caught on camera.

SYNOPSIS
Any scene from Gaza works. It's funny. We take the scene and add Benny Hill music to it. Episodes are five minute and they all end with a chase in circles to the Benny Hill theme song.
Every show leads in with kids playing and cheering, "Kill the Jews," to Hamas Barney TV show songs of education. Song goes, "Brushing my teeth on top. It's so much fun that I don't want to stop. Cause when I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I shoot the Jews with my gun." And kids cheer. And parents Schepp Nachis.

EPISODES
Episode 1 - Funeral Goes Wrong Because the Guy Is Alive
Funeral is taking place on road. Professional videographers are on the scene taking footage of the funeral. The dead person is in shrouds, under a cover, being carried to their funeral on a stretcher. A sign on the stretcher reads, "Israel killed me." A helicopter passes above. The videographers drop their cameras and start running. The people holding the deathbed drop it and start running. Camera is fixed on dropped deathbed. Guy lifts sheet, jumps out of deathbed, with Nikes and jeans. Benny Hill theme music comes on. He looks both ways and starts running after the videographers and the people who dropped him, along with the funeral attendees, waving his shrouds at everybody.
End of episode. Same guy dies again and picks up the sheet he is covered in at his funeral. He says, "This was my fifth time dying. Why can't I get a better role." He looks both ways and starts running again, to the Benny Hill music.
The BBC reports the Jews kill another innocent man. Death toll is up to fifteen million Gazans.

Episode 2 - Terrorists Are Warned There Are Terrorists in Their Homes
We see the local Gazans going into their homes. Pamphlets are dropped from the sky to warn them that there is a terrorist in their homes. On their phones, they read, "mass murders in your building." They look at each other weird, to see who is the other terrorist. Everybody starts running out of building with rockets, guns, and RPGs, including women and children. All wearing masks. Some masks read Hamas, some say PA. They start chasing each other outside. Benny Hill music comes on as they are chase. They put down their weapons in peace and start throwing rocks at each other. Some of the stones are huge.
Peace is made, as they all hug, with brotherly conversations of "You're a terrorist too?!" And then they execute each other, and the crowd of Gazans cheers and runs in excitement and joy to their people being executed by their own people, to Benny Hill theme song. 
They set up cameras to video the building blowing up. Camera catches building blowing up. Woman walks in front of camera and says, "They justa killed me." And then they all start running again.

Episode 3 - Sinwar Out of Hiding
Sinwar is dressed in burqa with full hijab as woman with a beard. Crossdressing in rundown apartment that has been through war, he turns to camera with stunned look. The classic Benny Hill dressed as a woman sketch.
Sinwar then tries to avoid being seen by the person taking the video, which catches it all. He and the people around him start running to Benny Hill music.

Episode 4 - The Missile Goes the Wrong Way
Everybody is relaxing in homes. Men take off their Hamas masks, and are playing backgammon on wooden boards. Women are seen taking off their burqas, relaxing over baklava for Middle Eastern tea time.
Outside Hamas guys crawl out of the ground from under a postpartum unit of a birthing hospital. In the unit, people are watching children's shows with little Hamas kids saying "kill the Jews." They take aim at Tel Aviv with a missile. They are excited to shoot the missile. A little baby in Hamas mask gives a thumbs up to the Hamas guys threw a window.  
Missile goes the wrong way into a building. Everybody runs out of the building. Benny Hill theme song is playing. Some women end up running out of a building without their burqas. Hamas guys in building run out with their masks in hand, waving them. Everybody is chasing the Hamas guys who shot the missile. The people who got killed in the earlier episode are running out of the building.
News report reads, "Israel genocide of Gaza births more babies. Gazan population grows thanks to Israeli genocide."

Episode 5 - The Starving People
Everybody is starving. Protesters from everywhere show up with signs reading "people are hungry," while they are enjoying a barbeque.
Hamas guys are seen taking the food from the food disbursement sites, and running away with it. Hamas guys are in huge warehouse of food, eating lavish meal at table, along with all the people who are "starving." The starving people are well overweight. With pitas all over and "starving" people gorging on humus and chopped meat, they all see a video camera come in with a news anchor from CNN. They can't kill the guy, because he supports them. They look up at the camera, shocked. They start running. Benny Hill music comes on. Everybody is chasing the news people with guns. Then they all end up at the food support center, chasing a Jew who is trying to feed the Gazans. To Benny Hill theme, CNN reports Jews are creating a famine and starving the people of Gaza.

Episode 6 - Dead Body Found in Rubble
Funeral being videoed by Pallywood videographers. We see the outtakes. Everybody is laughing, as the dead guy lifts his sheet. Benny Hill music comes on and they run to funeral and drop the guy.
Next, they take a body in shrouds out of a building, bury it with a bulldozer. They are coaching each other on how to make it look like it was really buried. So, they put a bunch of dirt on it. One says, "Dis good." Red Cross gives thumbs up. The leader says, "Get the shovels. Now we dig it up." The guy with shovel says, "We barely covered the body. I just pull it out." Leader responds, "No. We dig. It show we had him buried." The guy takes one shovel of dirt and that puts down the shovel and lifts the body.
Whole Red Cross team there. Drone camera from above catches them all in the act. The whole thing. They all look up. They scream, "Oh. Sheet." Which is a four letter word in the Middle East. They start running to Benny Hill music. Some are carrying the dead body. And then they drop it. And the dead body starts running.
Red Cross guy on TV says, "We saw nothing." Hamas guys are saying, "We respect the dead. It's part of our religious duty." Middle of interview, Benny Hill music comes on and they all start running in circles, chasing each other.

***For show to work we need rights to the Benny Hill theme song.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren.
With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace.
Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate.

Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur.
They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people.
Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. 

A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?!
Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts.
You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too.
Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. 

Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March.
They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman.
Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there.

I truly respect the commitment of the religious.
Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers.
They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again."
We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. 
You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK.

They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in.
You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you.
You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot."
Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case.
Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. 

The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible.
We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza.
 
I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast.

Many people know Sukkah songs. However, poetry adds depth. Poems make the holiday more meaningful. Here are a few poems I wrote in third grade, to bring spirituality to your Sukkot holiday.

Sukkah Hopping
Sukkah hopping is hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
I hope we don't have to hop
Thank Gd. If we did. I would stop
And go back home
I don't think I can hop a mile even when I'm not alone
That's it?! All this Sukkah has is soup?!
Now I know why we have to go to another Sukkah
More candy?! From Sandy?!
Is this Sukkot or Halloween
Instead of a house, we're hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
Hoping for some ice cream
We wouldn't have had to hop if just one Sukkah served a meal
I don't want an orange peel
People throw out the peel
Or compost it
Even with chocolate on it
You will notice that I chose poetry over the report. The teacher said that for my report to do well I needed punctuation.
You will also notice that we were hoping, not hopping, for ice cream. A little play on words, which I tried saying. It didn't work as well in oral form. When I recited this composition in third grade gym class, my fellow students asked what "hope" has to do with "hopping." I had to explain that it was a work of literature.

Why Are We Sitting Out Here
(I wrote this one in third grade about Sukkot - I was inspired) 
It's freezing- why are we outside
I understand there is a cover you call Schach- but the cover has holes in it
The chair is made of metal- where should I sit
It's freezing- I said the chair is made of metal
That's your forearm- who measures with a cubit
If this is our home- I want out of this family
For seven days I can do it- as long as we have brisket and hot pastrami
It's still freezing and brisket tastes good inside too
I truly love hot pastrami. I would've sat outside on the frozen chairs, in the uneven cubit Sukkah, for the hot pastrami.
I got a bad grade on this poem. My Torah and Mishna teacher was not inspired by my words.

I Love You Holiday
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, even though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ Wrong of her, as I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ Schoo and Jew rhyme. I believe that is quite clear.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

We’ve been through resolutions that good Jews make on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, to connect to Gd by not eating more chocolate. In the past, we also spoke of resolutions to be closer to Gd because you want a raise, as well as other resolutions made in shul because Rosh Hashana services are way too long. But nobody keeps to those resolutions after the High Holidays, unless if they get stuck at a Carlebach Minyin and they start singing with the NayNays. Those will have you resoluting in the middle of the year that you will show up to services on time, if you never have to sing a NayNayNay prayer extension again.
This Rosh Hashana, let us focus on honest resolutions. Ones that you will keep. To make your holiday and year more meaningful, here are resolutions that I know you will do.

I will not learn what the blessings mean. I will say them and not understand. I will probably end up saying the "Shehakol" blessing for everything, because it is too much effort to find out how an almond grows. I will say it in Hebrew and treat all prayers as if they are Slichot hymns of which I understand not a word.
I will get caught saying "Amen" at the wrong time, and I will look like a fool, because I yelled it out with pride.
I will speak Lashon Hara. Talking bad about other people is enjoyable. I do not want to lie. But I will lie about Shlomo's work debacle, where he let one go in the cubicle, because I can't stand him. And he chews his Kichel real annoying.
I will say that I won’t speak Lashon Hara, to do Teshuva and be forgiven, but then I'll do it. After I cement my place in the good book, I'll be right back on Shlomo and how he ruined his marriage. 
I will get married. The divorce rate is up. I have a chance this year. 
I will go to weddings and buy gifts that I found on sale, even if it looks cheap.
I will first try to come up with any excuse to not go to weddings. I can't afford the cheap gifts anymore. 
I will get married so I can blame my spouse for not being able to show up at Simchas.
I will learn that book about Lashon Hara, and then do it.
I will express anger if there is not enough milk in the fridge. I will blame my spouse for that, yell at them, and plan a divorce until it gets cleaned.
I will watch what I want to in the house. I can care less if my wife is happy, we are not watching the Hallmark Channel anymore.
I will not spend more time with the children, even if it helps my wife. Those things are very loud. I will spend extra time at work for some peace and quiet. 
I will not tell my kids I call them things. Though, I want to.
I will be angry all the time. I have a car, and I end up at mechanics sometimes. I also have bills.
I will not go on vacation. I am broke.
I will get yelled at for not doing the dishes. I will not do the dishes.
There will be no me time.
I will not eat healthy. I said I would eat healthy last year. That didn’t happen.
I will put on weight. 
I will not go to the gym. I will buy a membership though. Which is the least I can do for my health.
I will not be able to afford vacation because I paid for that gym membership. I will be too tired to cancel my gym membership.
I will start eating chocolate again, in a week.
I am going to be thriftier when it comes to my kids.
I will not purchase any gifts for my wife, because I genuinely forgot the date of her birthday.
I will still buy a gym membership, because I am an idiot. I will not go to the gym. Last year I said I would go to the gym. That didn’t happen. I will then say I'm not getting a gym membership again, but I will forget to cancel. And they will sign me up for another year.
I will not make resolutions like these again.
I will not sin. Yes, I will. I will do those sins I said I will not do again.
I will sin a lot this year.
I will not get angry, unless if other people are wrong. Other people are always wrong.
I will prepare more for prayers by sleeping through Shacharit and doing it later, on my own. I feel the best way to connect to Gd is by sleeping.
I will flip the Yizkur appeal card, and I will not pay my pledge.
I will not lie unless if it comes to doing Teshuva.
I will end up doing what I said I will not do. But maybe that's not true here. I think I can stick to not working out and not helping around the house.
I shouldn't be making resolutions, as that's like a vow.
Maybe I will keep these resolutions. I can find a way to stay angry at the mechanic and talk about Shlomo. Maybe making resolutions to sin is wrong. I will be confused.

Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song.
And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL:

I dedicate this song for you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you.
Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel.
Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you.
We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel.
Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you.
We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel.
I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you.
Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel.
The crunchy blooming country. Israel.
Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel.
I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you.
And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel.
The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel.
Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. 

***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly.
I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it.

I've spent years trying to memorize the Israeli banking hours. Nothing has worked. Hence, I wrote this song to help you remember when your bank might be open. I cannot promise that they have not changed the hours since the song was written. At least it would've helped last Wednesday. These hours were still in effect last week. In the middle of the week.
Here is the song.

Bank Discount Hours Song 
(to "Happy Days"- a catchy fun song, so you can still smile when you show up on time to the bank and they're closed- I kept the name of the song simple, as I don't want to give you something else to memorize- focusing on the hours and which bank they belong to is a hard enough task)

Sunday Monday Wednesday 8:30 to 1
Tuesday Thursday 8:30 to 2
Monday Wednesday Opens again at 4pm
Friday they close early too
When it’s a holiday I have no idea what to do

These hours change every day. Change every day. Bah Ding Dong
Why the siesta on Monday and Wednesday. Bah Ding Dong
Why don’t they return from their Siesta on Tuesday. Or Thursday?!
(Remix)
The hours. What are they?!
(outro addition)
The Doar hours, I have no idea. They changed those again. The other day.

Please Note: Those are 8:30am to 1pm. 8am to 2pm. Opens again at 4pm. I don't believe it's 4am. But then again, they give military hours, and I can't account for what those mean.
I cannot account for siesta hours. They might return at 1am. I cannot promise.
To help, I also took the liberty to add a few beats to the verses.
For those who don't know, the Doar is the post office. 
I tried including the Doar in this song, but the Doar hours are different from the bank hours, as the postal workers have different siestas than the bank tellers. And some siestas last a day. Sometimes a week. I can't account for that in one song. And I cannot take responsibility for you receiving the new lyrics weekly.
I believe the lyrics "Bah Ding Dong" express the message of the song.

The new school year is here and the Jewish day school gave you a checklist of stuff to buy. Which has you questioning why you're paying tuition. And why tuition is eighteen thousand dollars.
They gave you a list, but they didn’t explain it. They didn’t explain why your five-year-old needs Post-its. And still, no matter how well they learned to read in preschool, they don't do chores.
I’ve done my research of the Jewish day schools suggested back to school shopping lists and cannot explain how your $18,000 tuition doesn’t cover pencils. Nonetheless, I hope this helps you make sense of why you have to buy more crayons.
The list is long. Hence this year, we shall focus on writing instruments and supportive tools.
 
Something to Write On
That's a good idea. I remember showing up to school one year and there was nothing. I had pens, pencils, erasers. Nothing to write on. Why they told us we needed erasers, when we had nowhere to write. Another anomaly.
Something to write on means paper, if you want your kid to be judged for hating trees. If your child is in a religious school, you're better off sending them with parchment. It's better for Torah classes, and nobody is protesting parchment. Not as many people care about animals.
It turns out, this doesn't include desks. Something that I was not aware of. I asked and the school said desks are not a writing material. I don't have more information on that. I hung up the phone before they could get me for the tables I ruined in elementary school.
 
Computer
Many schools are going green, showing care for the environment. This is why it’s important to purchase a laptop. Paper lasts but a day. Laptops can go for a whole year, until they’re useless. At that point you compost it.

Pencils
Voted the number one thing your kid needs, and you need to purchase. The day school did not mention a pencil sharpener. If they had that, the kids could use their pencils from last year.
The day school also didn’t mention erasers. At that point, you might as well use a pen.
 
Extra Pencils for Your Child
People don’t borrow pencils, they steal them. They never return them. That is why all standardized tests are administered with number two pencils. Because the first one was stolen.
Do they teach the kids about pen Geneyva? No. Pen thievery is alive and well. Halacha class is focused on the dimensions of a Sukkah and how to measure with your arm. And do the children remember this stuff? No. Because they had nothing to write down the lesson with. 
Who forgets writing instruments to school?! Some parents don’t even buy their children pens. I know that Ben’s mom never bought him pens, because Ben never had a pen. Ben would ask me for a pen. Truth is, Ben always stole my pen.
Thus you need extra pencils, and a safe. The school did not mention the safe. Nonetheless, I suggest to get your child a safe, so Ben can't steal another pen. Ben needs a pen.

Glue Sticks, Glue, Rulers, Scissors, Paper, Siddur
The school provides absolutely nothing. Gym class doesn’t provide balls. The office needs the kids to bring printers so the teachers can make copies. Art class doesn’t provide paint anymore. You’ve got to bring your own paint brushes and paper mâché.
The $18,000 doesn't cover schooling anymore. It definitely doesn't cover prayer books for the Shacharit morning service. I'm still at a loss trying to figure out what $18,000 provides. You may have to provide a teacher as well. Be sure to check your back to school checklist to make sure education isn't something you have to provide.

Printers
The grocery store is selling printers as back to school gear, if your child has enough room in their knapsack to schlepp that to school every day. This is not on the school list. Though supermarkets are selling anything they can. You can pick this up next to the condiment section. Which is helpful, as some of Frank's spicy sauces work as decent ink cartridges. 
Unlike pens, other kids don’t ask to borrow printers. Hence, there's less of a chance of the other kids stealing Hewlett Packard. Even so, most kids do forget to bring their printers to school.
 
Crayola Crayons- 3 Packs, Crayola Colored Pencils, Crayola Fine Point Washable Markers & 2 Packs of Crayola Broad Tip Washable Markers, Crayola Water Colors
This is what the local Jewish day school suggested. I have a feeling Crayola is giving them kickbacks.
E. Steiger, Roseart and Cra-z-Art crayons won’t work. They must be Crayola. Maybe they don’t want your kids being judged by the kindergarten crayon snobs who only eat Crayola. I'm still convinced the school is getting kickbacks.
 
Post-its
Schools have stopped giving kids assignments. They now give them errands to run. Jewish history class had my nephew running a paper about Menachem Began and the Lechi.
This also makes it easier to write nasty stuff to stick on somebody’s back. The process of having to find the tape and glue, takes too long. And then you have to ask them to stand still, so you can attach it to their back properly. Why there's any adhesive other than Post-its, makes no sense.

Save money on Back to School Shopping
The school didn’t suggest this. That would be a chutzpa after charging you $18,000 tuition and not providing desks to write on.
Go shopping in October, when stuff goes on sale, after the Back to School Sale. That is when the back to school sales are in effect. Your child can carry the books and printer the first month and a half of school.
You can also go to the airport. They will be able to provide you with a plethora of scissors, staplers and pencils. They have mine.
Better yet, to save money... Instead of picking up the back-to-school pencils, paint and scissors, don’t throw out the school supplies from last year.

Next year we will focus on school accessories, such as another new backpack and a basketball hoop. The school doesn’t provide that either.
At least we now know that Post-its do not get kids to help. Your child still doesn't help out with the chores.

Postscript
A little extra for you. A poem I wrote in Third grade (even at eight years old I noticed the brilliance of rhyming “Ben” and “pen”):
Where is my pen, Ben
Whatever is best
Whatever color the teacher uses to grade the test
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Blue red black
Ben please may I get my pen back
Blue red black
Ben, why don’t you buy your own Bic 12 pack
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Get a Pen Ben
Why does Ben have no pen
Maybe it is in the den
Ben
Ben Get a Pen
*I don’t think Ben’s mom got the checklist.

I just learned you can say anything about Jews. Can't say it about anybody else. But Jews. You can blame a whole race, a whole nation, for somebody not making room for you on the sidewalk. A Mexican cuts you off, it's the Jews. 
I heard The Young Turks going off on Jews. And I realized, they are so happy Hamas and the BBC have given them the green light since October 7th
People heard Hamas saying how happy they were they killed Jews and your neighbor was saying, “Finally. I can say it. I hate these people. If we could just get rid of them, housing values will double.” Anti-Semites started popping up everywhere. Your neighbor, the guy you share a cubicle with, all of France. They popped up even at the circus. I went to see some acrobats and they were shooting a Jew out of the canon. 
The hatred is there and the world has justified it. Let me share some things you can say about Jews, but not any other people. Maybe because the other people aren't Jewish. But that's not the point.

"I want to kill you. We all want you dead. Your whole people should die. Your whole people is annoying."
This is fine because you're saying it about Jews. How "annoying" made its way in there. No idea. But you should be able to kill people for biting their nails.

"Everybody hates you because you're Jewish. Get out of here. Jew! Nobody wants you."
You can't say this about other people, because they're not Jewish. I think that's something we'll have to accept. They also haven't been kicked out of every country. 
If you could say this about other people it would be a lot of fun. More Massacre might be necessary.

"You are murderers."
How does this work? You're allowed to kill us. But when you fail, we're blamed for that?!
Truth is that Jews should be blamed for all homicide. Son of Sam. Is he not Jewish with a father named Sam?... Wait. I just looked that up. David Berkowitz is Jewish. Let's move onto the next one.

"You're Jewish scum. Everybody loathes you. You're hated by the world. Everybody wants you dead. You're swine."
Wouldn't one of those have been enough?
I think that's what Ana Kasparian of "The Young Turks" said. It did sound very nice and comforting, as it was in a soft tone. I appreciate that. Truth is, it's tone that's offensive.
Anything The Young Turks say, you can say that nowadays and people are like, "That's right." It's fine for Turks to say that. And you have to empathize with them. In 1934 the Turkish government kicked out all Jews and got rid of them. And then you have to see them in America. That's not easy. That's a reason to kill them. I think we can agree with that. 
Canada understands. They did their job when they kept out refugees from the Holocaust . I believe the quote went, "None is too many." But that has to make you question, "Who do you murder at that point?!"

"You steal land."
How we steal our own land is regretful. How a Jew can live in Israel and not feel like a thief and a murder. 
And then some Jews have the gall to say that Israel is their homeland. Shame.
Where should Jews live? Well. Not in Europe or the Middle East. Or America. I think the real problem here is Jews.

"You can't drive."
This isn't right. They're taking racial epithets against Asians and using it against us. You shouldn't be misappropriating hatred like that.

"Cheap. Your people are cheap."
It's true. Who doesn't like shopping at Marshalls. And you should hate people shopping at Marshalls. Especially people you see at the clearance rack. Because they're Jewish. Which is another reason to go to Marshalls and shop at the clearance rack. It's a good place to express your hatred of Jews.

"You smell bad. You can't play basketball. Your people are the worst at badminton. The way you drink coffee is annoying."
Have you ever seen my family drinking coffee with a straw, when it gets to the end of the cup?! It's annoying.

"You control the media. You run Hollywood. You control the airlines."
What happened to the good old days when antisemitism was positive?! When antisemitism focused on what Jews had. Those were good days.
You don't want people forgetting Mein Kampf. And how many people know the sequel? A Mein Kampf sequel?! There was a public demand for more Kampf?! I think Kampf might have had some swine in there too. I think the swine part is where that book went wrong in its expression of Jew hatred. If it would've just focused on the fact that Jews run the banks, all would've been good.
You know it's all in jest when you're quoting passages from Mein Kampf.

"You all slaughter people. You think you're entitled and you steal our tax dollars."
You need a reason to kill Jews. Otherwise, you might feel bad hearing a Jew was murdered. Even worse, if you think Jews are kind and charitable, you may not want to kill them. And that is unforgivable.
And you can say it because they're Jews.

"You drink Christian blood. People want to drink your blood."
Let's bring the libel back up. You want this one back out there, just in case there is a chance people might start liking Matzah, and Streit's starts getting more business. And then, the Jews are also running the Matzah business.

"You run the roller coaster at Six Flags."
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"Slavery. Jews are the reason slavery." 
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"You are bad at making decisions. Jews can't choose what to order."
If you say that with the right amount of hatred, you'll have a whole restaurant attacking a Jew. Maybe if you had a bit of empathy, you would realize we're bad at deciding what to order because we're cheap.
It's not easy to figure out the best deal on the menu at a pizza shop. Then there's special requests. Sometimes, they're offering coleslaw, and you want a burger as the side. And then they have that part where it says, "Ask the waiter." Am I not supposed to ask the waiter? I follow rules. And what about "du jour"? What does that mean? 

"You say you're the chosen people. You're not even Jews."
They're not even blaming us. I don't see this as antisemitism. They don't really hate us. They hate some other Jewish people.
Come to think of it, this is the most offensive one. I have a right to identify as I want.

This screaming at Jews and telling Jews you hate them sounds like a lot of fun. Telling a whole nation you hate them is very cathartic. I get why people like to do it. It's always good to tell people you hate them. It brings joy. It brings the world together.
I want to get into some of those college protests and tell people I hate them. Or I can go to the next board meeting at my shul. Either way, I have some new things  I learned about Jews that I can tell them.

I did hear somebody say that all Guatemalans should die and be raped. I didn't jump on the bandwagon because they're not Jewish. And I think that would be wrong. Because they're not Jewish. I feel it is important to defend that point of view. Only Jews should be attacked. The world only needs one people to hate at a time.

Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that.
As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different.
By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it.

Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis.

Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul.

They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you.

They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you.

Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy."

Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis."

They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower.
By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers.
I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people.

I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'"
I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues.

And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food.

I don't know.
They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me.

LSimchas,
David

Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability.

I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick.
When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled.

They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far.
Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer?

I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. 
Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." 
"Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils.
It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate."

I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying.
Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?!

I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good.

At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them.
"And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person.

Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is.

I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven.
I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening.

And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff.
I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. 

I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey."

I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. 
I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot.

They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit.
By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t.
It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner?

LSimchas,
David

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.

Stuff is messed up and the world is against us. They're blaming us for everything. The news...
The Gazan Death Toll is now up to eight million. (pause for laugh- when no laugh make sure they know it's a joke- audience may not be educated and hate Jews and say eight million people live in Gaza- audience may be UN staff- be clear I'm mocking inflated death toll numbers when I say death toll- I wouldn't laugh at people dying Chas vShalom- one death is too much and I pray suffering ends- maybe go into speech and abandon bit- let them know I care about all life- though it may offend them let them know I'm laughing at deaths where people didn't die- maybe do group prayer before moving into bit- Psalm 121 here and they'll be ready to laugh- King David has that affect- if they think it's just a mocking the lies coming out of Gazans and the UN then continue like it was a comedy bit about what it is- maybe add joke "There were more total war tragedies on death toll by December 2024 than May 2025- and people still don't believe in resurrection")
How do they come up with those numbers? "Pneumonia. Caught cough from Israeli. Another one dead. That's thirty." (pause for laughs- I think I should leave out the pausing notes) They're not very good at math. Each death is eighty on the toll. That's what you get with bad education.
It happened during war, it's because of war. "We're going to miss Abu Fij. He was ninety-nine. Died in his sleep. Israelis... Tack on seventy for that one." They're blaming Israelis for COVID now. That's why Hamas wears those masks. They're worried they're going to catch COVID. (I hope I remembered to pause for laughs- maybe I should’ve left in “pause for laughs” notes) College protestors understand the seriousness of Hamas’ cause, that’s why they wear medical masks. (let them know I’m not mocking COVID- and I am not saying COVID is a terrorist organization) 

We've got to do better with world opinion.
Americans see it on CNN, it's fact. People hear stuff on BBC. They believe it because of that accent. Hamas statement, "Twelve million dead." Proof. Twelve. He said it. I believe it's up to twelve million since we started this bit. (remember- it's about delivery- make sure to nail the punches on death toll jokes)
Anchor. "Bibi built the tunnels." "You see. Told you!"
"Word just in from Hamas. Israel started California wildfires." "Hollywood. Knew it."
"We're reporting to you from the Temple Mount in Tel Aviv. Jews have now occupied the Temple Mount." "I told you the Jews were occupying Tel Aviv... Worse. They're protecting themselves."
Protecting ourselves is now a war crime. "Patriots... Shooting those missiles."

I don't think the news is on our side. Just guessing. They're throwing stuff out there. "And Israelis dropped a bomb in Japan." "They'll go for it."
You can't argue anymore. They're quoting kindergartners as proof, "Three plus one Zionist devil, makes four Zionist devils." Whatever that means. Somehow math books are against us. "You see. I told you they drink blood."
We've got to do better with world opinion. It's bad when they've turned you into a hateful slur. "Zionist!!!" "Yep. I believe that. I believe the Jewish homeland is the Jewish homeland. Call me crazy. If you have to, call me a Zionist. I must be an idiot, but that is the Jewish homeland, because it's the Jewish homeland."

We are so bad with world opinion. We look like idiots. 
Hamas looks amazing. They're tacking on deaths. They've got videographers with 10K res. (POV Palestinian videographer) "Let's get him dying in the sand castle this time. The last one with his mom crying. It was good. I think we can kill him better. I think if we... Let's go for the head chop off scene again. One more take... Take death number eight for Ichmad... Got to hurry. We're only on death number nine."
One kid died fourteen times. Dying once is bad enough. Can you imagine dying fourteen times... That's commitment.
We can't win. This whole Pallywood thing, where they kill their own people for good action shots. They're shooting out in Sudan. Taking the Gazan stars overseas to shoot the film short about the kid dying again. This kid’s family is schepping Nachis. The pride. The kid is pulling in Pollmmy Awards for his role as "The Kid Who Died Again." "And this year’s award for best death. Will it be Ichmad for his role in dying in a building with the Hamas guy. Or will it be Ichmad in dying again because of the Zionist Devil. Or will it be Ichmad in his role as The Suicide Bomb Kid."
Maybe they just can't find more actors. "And best film goes to The Suicide Bomb Kid: The Live Short Documentary." "Best supporting actress, to Fatima in Suicide Bomb Kid for her role as the girlfriend he met after he killed himself for the sixth time."
It's fine. The kid is still alive. Don't worry.
Ichmad is coming for his acceptance speech. "I couldn't have done it without Mrs. Kadini and her kindergarten class on the Zionist Devil who I have to kill. The cartoons about slaughtering Jews were truly inspirational."

Even Biden is like, "Something is off. I may not be totally with it, but... According to my calculations, one death per person. I think..."
I feel for the kids. For a kid to have to get killed fourteen times. It's abusive and wrong. I am very much against stage moms... They're pushy. Exploiting your own child like that.

One guy was dead. I saw it, he was under his sheet. Lifted his sheet, mid-funeral. Folded his sheet over. Neatly. Dead people are quite tidy. He then reached up, and his friend brings him a Coke. Drinks Coke middle of his own funeral. Can you imagine being dead with a parched throat. Being dead is hard enough. One shouldn't know of such things.
Another dead guy jumped off his death bed. Mid-procession. Starts running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I think he benched three hundred eighty pounds. In shrouds. Then I saw him at another one of his own funerals. He came back to fight for his people. As he's dying, he musters the strength to smile for the camera. 10K. Smiling at his own burial. The courage that takes. I believe that was Gazan Death Toll number thirteen million and two.

These people in Britain and America believe this stuff.
(POV Anchor) "We have an eyewitness. Hamas tunnel commander just told us. Israelis started the Spanish Inquisition." (pause for laughs- if I said "pause for laughs" make fun of myself for being an idiot) Americans believe this. Hamas tunnel professors.
We get blamed for everything. We are so bad with world opinion. We get blamed for being Jews. Just being Jews. We get blamed for that.
The death toll is now up to fifteen million.
They just throw numbers out there. "Forty million." It's now forty. "I said eighty. Eighty-five million. The total number of people killed in Gaza is now eighty-five million." "Ninety. We have ninety million Gazans dead." 
CNN. "And the Death Toll in Gaza is now up to ninety million."
Nothing is good enough. They can’t just stick to one lie. “Three hundred and eighty-four million dead.”
 
Next time let's talk about genocide. And I’m out of here. Thank you!!!
(that genocide ender is a real zinger)

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways.