Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

As Tisha BAv is upon us, going over the news from the past few months should get us in the right mood. During the Three Weeks of mourning, we’ve been listening to a lot of JNS news, to keep us down. Here’s some stuff to remind us tradition is alive and the blood libels are still there.
Here is what we learned over the past months. It’s a lot. This is going to be a long one, so put on your Yarmulkes.
​It turns out people still hate us. Thought you should know that.

Ceasefire called again. So, shooting ramped up. Ceasefires are very dangerous. 
We believe that was a ceasefire on the ceasefire. And that makes sense to JD Vance.
When dealing with the IRGC and Hezbollah, you need to stop what you have stopped doing already. JD Vance explained this on the Joe Rogan podcast. It's very normal and it makes sense to him.
Who's to blame for ceasefire violence? Jews. They didn't break it, but they're Jews.

There’s a Fatwa on everybody. I thought there was already a Fatwa. But this is another Fatwa. As we learned from Gaza, people can die more than once. So you need more Fatwas. To quote, “There's a consensus. You can never die too many times.”
 
UAE seems to be with Israel. For some reason, they like the idea of life and economy.
 
New York Times reports that Israel is training terrorist dogs to rape people. False news. Israel has never trained any Gazans. And the New York Times doesn't retract the statement, and we're offended. To call Palestinians dogs is wrong.
And nobody batted an eye. It appears dogs raping people is a normal thing. There's a raping breed. We're still bothered they didn't report on the new spy sharks Israel has been training to rape swimmers . And the field mice Israel is training to infest people's homes. And what about the spiders and ants Israel has wrought on Gaza.

Bullying Jews and attacking Jews in New York is rampant. At least Mamdani lived up to his campaign promises.
 
People are still complaining about 3.8 billion dollars funding to Israel for military equipment. That’s nothing. Ask Mamdani what 3.8 billion dollars is in a budget, and how many shuls can be attacked with it.
JD Vance is complaining too. And he hasn't talked with Tucker Carlson in years.
Many in Israel don't want the funding. And that is the first recorded time in history that Jews are saying no to money. And we are starting to get this antisemitic thing down.

Another ceasefire. Wait. Iran broke it. But America is the ones who broke it.
Let us explain how international law works. It doesn’t make a difference who breaks the ceasefire first. If you break it second, you’re to blame. The International Criminal Court will hopefully get these evil regimes who break ceasefires after they've been shot at. JD Vance will explain it to you. To quote, "As long as they hate the Jews too."

Mamdani refuses to go to Israel Day Parade, giving the Jewish community at least something to celebrate.
He made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens.

Somebody used the saying, "No Jews, no news," like they came up with a unique idea. Like they created it.
 
Trump says he's going to wipe out the IRGC civilization. Causes uproar. Americans are not happy with this statement. IRGC says they're going to wipe out and kill all Americans. Americans support it.
It's all Israel's fault.

Wait. Another ceasefire. Shoot. They broke it.

Still haven't seen the new Ayatollah. Which means he's alive.
 
We would stop here, but there is a lot more Jew hatred to get through.

Any genocide ever done was Jews. Armenian genocide. That was the Jews. Sudan. The Jews. Jiffy Lube genociding people, charging full price on oil changes. Jews. Spanish Inquisition. The Jews did that.
People in America and Europe are mad that Israel is defending itself. To quote: "It's so much harder to kill these people when they defend themselves." Response to quote: "That's a genocide." 

You can't say you're against the IRGC, Hamas or Hezbollah. It's racist. Saying you're against terrorism is blatant racism. You're not allowed to converse and have conversation. Conversation is racist.
​
Italy wants to take military action against Israel, as they didn’t kill enough Jews during the Inquisition. Spain gets involved too. To quote, "You can't have an Inquisition without us." Some German and Polish politicians don't want to be left out. "We did what we could during the Holocaust, where the Jews were committing genocide." IT'S THE JEWS!!!!
I'm beginning to understand what genocide means. It has something to do with supporting Jewish right to live.
 
Lebanon and Israel sign a peace treaty. Lebanon is trying to figure what that means. “Who has to follow this?!”
Peace is a very offensive word. Only used by genocidal racists.

Iran executes its people. Including wrestler. It's the Jews fault. JD Vance said it’s because of Israel. Jews are genocidal executioners. Might as well. That Abby Martin woman has it down. She knows how to express Jew hate.
 
Flotilla comes to Gaza again. They won’t stop with these vacation ideas. How Gaza became the number one destination for these cruise ships is an anomaly we can’t figure out. Tourism in Gaza must be peaking. Other tour guides in Israel are out of business.
Whoever the tour company is that’s spreading this Gaza Experience is truly bait and switching these people. Personally. We would suggest Jerusalem, Chevron, Nazareth. The ancient sites. Maybe get Tel Aviv in there for the beach. Maybe go for a swim to Gaza to do some spying.
The people on the Flotilla came to spread peace and love to the Gazans. Bringing drugs, condoms, and cheers of “Death to America. Death to Israel.”
Israel gets in trouble for not letting the Flotilla in. New policy that people are fighting for is the idea that countries should only allow people that hate them in. Americans have been working real hard on enforcing this policy in their country.
 
Somehow, Gaza is still a topic. And every citizen of Gaza is a journalist.

Democrats support their candidate with a Nazi tattoo. It turns out that having a Nazi tattoo means you’re against Nazis. Bernie Sanders fully understands this. The real problem is Donald Trump.
 
And more Jews got beat up. Thought we would throw that in as a pick-me-up. 
 
Trump suggests Syria deal with Hezbollah. You need somebody in there that's going to attack Israel.
 
Displaced Lebanese is a problem. Displaced Israelis is not a problem. Another pick-me-up.

They don't understand why Israel attacks people who are shooting at them. Israel. A bunch of ceasefire breakers. Shooting back.
Are these people idiots?! These people that are talking want us gone. It's clear these people are all lying. Trying to come up with anything to get rid of Jews. Another pick-me-up.
 
Kill Jews is now something you’re allowed to say you want to do. It’s fine. As long as you’re not against terrorism.
Guy in LA got one year in jail for killing a Jew at a protest. Many people were mad that he got one year. Did the jury not realize he killed a Jew?!
That’s dark. Hope that’s another pick-me-up for you.
That’s the end of the pick-me-up section this month. Now let’s talk about Turkey.
 
Wait. Turns out Turkey doesn't like us either. 
Turkey foreign minister said “A burden that humanity can no longer bear. A problem the world needs to solve.” What is the problem? Jews. If we have to explain, you’re probably a genocidal colonizing. We ran out of words to say. Abby Martin has it down. She can help you curse Jews.
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election.
They backed off from Nazi tattoo guy, once they realized he was associated with rape. To quote, "He did not rape Jews. And to this, we are very much against him." 
Mamdani is still around, so you know there are problems in New York.
To finish off the message for the Democrats, Rahm Emanuel came to Israel to let his Jewish brothers and sisters know how much he hates them. 


Seems to be the new talk. Nobody can stand Jews. Jews are annoying. Everybody hates them. Seems like all of these anti-Semites have been to our shul. A bunch of members of our synagogue. We as a people have to stop taking our board meetings public.

Katz’s deli bans Mamdani. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them. And people say the Jews aren't fighting back.

A Fatwa was put out on Donald Trump. He wasn't included in the Fatwa on everybody.
​
Lindsey Graham passed away and left-wing people celebrate it, because he stood for peace and a great America. And that is racist.

JD Vance makes it clear that he hates Israel again. He’s extremely bothered that he has to keep on saying this. He wants everybody to know he hates Jews.  
Apparently, Israelis want to keep the war going indefinitely. Israelis love being attacked. And the reason this MOU, which Iran agreed to and did not follow through with, did not work, is because of Israel. Thought we would end on a pick-me-up.
Marco Rubio makes sense. So, we have nothing to say about him.

Conclusion
The Jews did it. Turns out we perpetrated the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust. Ask Candace Owens. And we are behind dog racing. Didn’t want to leave out Candace.
 
Jews will be blamed for whatever other people do. Which is why Rachel stops people who are drinking too much alcohol. She's driving home, she doesn't want to be caught for somebody else drinking and driving.

We counted eighty-four ceasefires. Ceasefires are very dangerous. That's when you have to watch yourself.

People truly hate us. And others are starting to believe them. And that is what is called politics.
This JNS TV stuff is a real downer. This proJewish news stuff can truly bring Jews down. We have to start watching more antisemitic news outlets to feel better about ourselves as Jews. As our grandfathers asked their friend reading Jew hating newspaper, “Why do you read Pravda?” “I read the Forward and we’re dying. They’re all trying to kill us. I read Pravda. We’re running the banks. We run the newspapers. We run the world. I feel better.”

Lindsey Graham, a man who stood for truth, justice and peace, should have an Aliyas Nishama, an ascendance of the soul. We hope that's not considered racist.

This is all messed up. This is all bizarre. How people are going for this Jew and Israel hate stuff. We hope this news is a good pick-me-up.
May this be a Tzom Moeel. And may we witness the redemption. We hope that’s not a genocidal thing to say.

The 22nd Maccabiah Games, known as the Jewish Olympics, are going on in Israel right now. I didn’t know about the first twenty-one. But they happened. And it turns out there are thousands of Jewish athletes. That’s good to know. Looking at my shul, I didn’t think there were Jews that exercise.
This whole Maccabiah Games is a beautiful thing. Jews should also get the chance to feel like they’re good at sports. They have the Paralympics Games, Youth Olympic Games, Special Olympics. Why should we not have an Olympics for Jews. People who are hard of keeping in shape.
The Maccabiah Games stand for Jewish identity, unity in heated competition and fights with Argentinians. Let us explore some of the beauty of this event that brings the community together, known as the Jewish Olympics for the husky and portly athlete. Our Jewish way of paying homage to hedonism and the Greek culture of the Hellenists that we don't give proper respect to on Chanukah. 

We Need Our Nation Together
Anything to get Jews to Israel. That's what I say. 
There are five thousand athletes at the Maccabiah this year, which is down from ten thousand in 2022. Five thousand athletes, from around thirty-five countries, that didn't make the Olympics. And some of those go to my JCC. Max Hyneman. I've never seen that guy move. Just the Shvitz. Sits in the Shivtz. That was his training. 
The Maccabiah was supposed to happen last year. Didn’t happen because of the 12 Day War. This is what Iran and Hezbollah do. They ruin Jewish programming.
I was going to go to Israel last summer myself. Iran truly kills summer plans. And then I was going to go this summer. Flights are crazy high. Iran and EL AL ruin summer plans. If the war would’ve been six days, we could’ve gotten some of the games last summer.
The 2022 games were postponed from 2021 due to COVID. At The Kibbitzer, we are beginning to think that the Maccabiah is bad luck. You want something bad to happen, plan the Maccabiah. 

The tagline for this year's Maccabiah is "More Than Ever." As Bibi expressed its beautiful message of unification of Israel and Diaspora Jewry, to mock the fact that there are less athletes than ever.

The Opening Event
It turns out many Olympians have competed in the Maccabiah, and people came to see them at the opening ceremonies. Nobody ever saw the compete. But they saw them at the ceremony. That’s what we like watching.
This is why people go to the Maccabiah. The flags, Israeli music, speakers. It's a Jewish community event, with a parade. When it comes to Israel, Jews love ceremonies and parades. The New York Israel Day Parades, Yom HaAtzmaut Parades, Gay Pride Parades. Put flags in there and it’s a ceremony. We love it.
It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. A sermon about Israel, with flags. Unity.

Nobody cares about the sports. We love the opening event and whatever ceremonies they do where they put the ribbon on people. We love seeing that person who wins getting honored. It’s like a community dinner and you don’t even have to give a donation. You just do the honoring part. Could care less about the competition.

​They had Tons of flags. Love it. That's what the Jewish Olympics should be. Israeli flags.
You could see huge Israeli flag at the opening ceremony stage.  The Israeli president and prime minister gave speeches. And I'm beginning to think Israel has an unfair advantage. A very strong home court advantage. I feel like this Maccabiah is rigged.
And for the anthem, for every Jew that wins, they play their nation's song. "Hatikvah."
It’s rigged. Rigged for Jewish unity.

The Sporting Events
It turns out they had sports competitions too. So, let’s talk about them. Nobody cared, but they had them. The opening parade was over. Iran, the PA and Hezbollah didn’t ruin it. Trump worked out another ceasefire for us.

The inclusive and unifying sports include:
Soccer. To ensure America loses.
Golf for people over sixty-five, so that people who can afford flights come to Israel.
Fencing. You never know what kind of armament Iran will resort to. We need people ready to fight. Iran has no navy and now the US is fighting against rowboats. Once we blow up their munitions, Hezbollah might pull out swords. 
Futsal, which is soccer again. To give Argentina another win.
Pickleball. At least somebody has accepted that a lot of Jews are showing. Jews don't like to move when playing sports. Our people don't want to break a sweat with athletics.
And we have Chess. I always asked how chess was considered a sport. It's the Israeli lobby in America. This is AIPAC's influence. This is where the seven thousand dollars goes.
Beach football. Another sport. Argentina needed another metal. All of Buenos Aires comes to the Maccabiah. Got to give them something.
Rugby. Have to have a sport for each country. Australia and South Africa deserve something.
No cricket or baseball. They wanted to be diplomatic. And they didn't want to give America a win.
Marathon. To see if anybody can finish in under five hours.
Squash. There's a guy showing up who plays it. He knows the rules. Give him a medal.
And tons of sports for 35 and over. These are the guys from my JCC. And not even the non-Jews. Not being Jewish is an unfair advantage. And that is why we have the Jewish Olympics.
No floor hockey. They don't want American Yeshiva boys showing up.

In the essence of Torah, I noticed that they keep the games not hedonistic, ensuring that we allow extremely out of shape people to compete. B"H we make everybody keep on their clothes.

Conclusion
We need people coming to Israel. This is why I support the Maccabiah. Not for the competition. I don't need to see the Jewish over sixty-five-year-olds losing their breath in The Marathon, while walking. We need the Jewish Olympics for touring. Really should've just had a Maccabiah Birthright tour.
I wish it would’ve been three weeks of opening ceremonies. That would be something to watch.

There are some great athletes competing, and that should bring our people some pried. They're the product of intermarriage, and questionable genealogy. The rabbis are looking into this.

And again, sports bring Jewish pride and our people together. Due to the message of unity, some athletes decided not to compete. Instead, they just hugged. Seeing them hug, spectators thought it was another judo match.
And Israel ended up winning. In Israel. This thing is rigged.

It should be noted that there are bottles of suntan lotion at all events, including indoor futsal. The mothers made it clear they don’t want their children being exposed to the sun. The Jewish mothers should not be worried. And the Maccabiah committee also wants to make it clear that their little balls of Nachis will not be Shvitzing.
In the end, the Charedi rabbis are against the Maccabiah. To quote, "Jewish boys and Jewish girls should not be playing futsal. Even if they're not playing it under the table, it's not modest."

Ceasefire- a) Iran and Hamas are allowed to shoot. Sentence: 'There’s a ceasefire. Hezbollah is attacking.' Response: 'As long as we stopped.' b) Israel is not allowed to defend itself. See Hezbollah for when ceasefire means to shoot rockets at Israel. Also see American and European news outlets for people who get mad when Jews aren’t being killed. c) A chance for Iran to load up their weapons and attack.

Blech- a) Platah. A Yiddish to Hebrew translation is good enough for us. If you need more help on this word, you can purchase an Eliezer Ben Yehuda edition of the Hebrew dictionary. That’s a helpful place to look to find out what words mean. b) Usually, a metal sheet used to cover the flames of the stovetop on Shabbis and to burn your hand. Sentence: ‘You sure the Blech is stopping this soup from cooking on Shabbis? The liquid is boiling and my palm is scorched.’
 
Tatteh- Also Tattee. This dialect for ‘Dad’ makes you Frum. Like using a Yiddish phrase in the middle of conversation. Example: ‘We going biking later. Vismachsteh.’ Leaving out an important word from the English language, such as ‘are,’ makes this statement ultra religious. Have your child throw in Tatteh when you go to The Mountains for the summer, and they will know you can identify good pizza. Frum Jews know where to get pizza.
 
Ganiv/im- Thieves and people that charge for services. Sentence: ‘The Ganiv installs the oven and then he charges $450.’ Another Sentence: ‘I brought the car to the garage and the Ganiv charges for parts and labor.’ See Anti-Semites for mechanics and people who charge for their work. Jew haters.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for blaming his inability to find a good deal on antisemitism. Making it harder on us as Jews to be liked. We also appreciate his understanding of how cooking on Shabbis works. There's got to be a better dictionary out there.

Evan was wrong, taking my Mickey Mantle for those Mike Greenwells. And stealing is wrong. I feel like people have to hear that, as Evan still has my Mickey Mantle.
 
From my earliest memories, I can recall that I don't like getting ripped off. It's just something I don't seem to get joy out of. A wedgie, maybe. I have mixed feelings about wedgies.
Ever since I traded my bag of potato chips for a pickle, I have not enjoyed getting shafted. Watching that fourth grader lick the inside of the bag, I knew something was wrong with society. It was then that I learned, there are thieves out there. Trading thieves. And mind you, I didn't like it when the nurse gave that other newborn in the nursery the better nametag. Tyler. Such a cool name. 

Stealing is wrong. And lying to people is stealing. Some things I can’t shake. For some reason, getting stolen from is one of them. The English tutor and going to a psychiatrist because the tutor couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t read, I’ve shaken that. Would I have rather went to the psychiatrist to deal with my Mike Greenwell issues. Yes.
I'm still thinking about the Mike Greenwells and my Mickey Mantle, and the other times I got robbed at gunpoint. I don't get over stuff. I'm still calling it my Mickey Mantle. Forty years later and it's my Mickey Mantle. And my name is still David. Not Tyler.
Felons have infiltrated our trading card hobby. And their name is Evan. 

Maybe this isn't as much of a memoir as my thoughts on Evan. Nonetheless, it's a memory and I need to let it out, so I can reconnect with those good times childhood feelings of a beautiful hobby of kindness and not having a girlfriend. For you.
I hope this helps all of you who have no idea how to negotiate feel better for being an idiot and getting ripped off. Let's talk about how Evan is a thief. Yeah!

Stealing is Forbidden and Evan Should Live and Be Well
Evan is a Ganev. He’s a thief. Lying to a kid about a Mickey Mantle and Mike Greenwell in business makes you a thief. And that's how I understand the legal system. 
That’s why I’m happy I learn Torah. It helps me judge other people. To know they’re going to Gehenim. It's comforting to know there's hell.
After a bad trade, after a bad purchase, we all need to feel better. And the best way to do that is to know the other person is going to hell. Or to say, "Bless their heart. They should live and be well." Which is my aunt cursing them to hell. In Yiddish.
I'm starting to feel a bit better about getting ripped off. Hell just feels right.

The Bible Says It's Stealing 
The Torah explicitly says that ripping people off for their Mickey Mantle is stealing. If you look at the Gematria, study the numbers of the letters, seven is right there. Shabbat is seven, Sabbatical year is seven, and don't lie about Mike Greenwell and take David's Mickey Mantle who is number seven. Those are the exact words in the Torah.
(VaYikra 25:14) “And when you make a sale to your fellow or make a purchase from the hand of your fellow, man shall not wrong his brother.” And that is why Evan owes me the Mickey Mantle. And why I'm still mad the guy charged me over a hundred dollars for an oil change. And why people running slot machines are probably going to hell too. They took six thousand dollars from me in one night. And there wasn't even one Mike Greenwell involved in that deal.
I look to the Torah when I need to feel good about other people being sinners. No matter what side you’re on in a business deal, you’ve got to be honest about the information. Otherwise, you have communism. Evan is the reason for communism.

If you’re both happy with the deal, it’s cool. That's when nobody is wronged. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a Mitzvah. Which is why it's forbidden to do business with your wife.
For us both to be happy is what I strive for in the hobby. Or at least for me to be happy. The problem is it's hard to find people who want Mike Greenwells. 
The reason you can’t do business with your wife is because marriage makes you mad. Neither of you will ever be happy. I had to explain that.
​
Learn Lessons
A hobby that is based on taking advantage of young kids and people who know nothing it's messed up. But that seems to be how you get a Mickey Mantle. 
Be ready for these Evans. We have to fight the Evans.

I learned many lessons over my life. Never listen to a thirteen-year-old. Never trust an eighth grader in business. And don't trust an eighteen-year-old when buying a car. That was when I bought the stick shift that needed a running start. The eighteen-year-old said it was a good idea to buy it because it started once you ran with it a bit. I had to bobsled the car down the street. That will kill your reputation in the neighborhood, and keep you from getting hired. "David. The guy pushing the car down the street. He listened to the eighteen-year-old." "Yeah. I think that idiot traded his Mickey Mantle for Mike Greenwell rookie cards."
And never trust anybody who's older than you, whose name is Evan. Respect your elders but don't trust them if their name is Evan. And never bring your Mickey Mantle to school. And don't do deals when you have a Mickey Mantle at recess.
Why Evan isn't locked up is the problem with our judicial system.

Later On
I still don’t like getting shafted.
There will always be people in the hobby trying to rip you off. And I will get ripped off by them. I learned it all, and I still get ripped off.
I now let it go, I don't rip people off, and I take comfort in hell. If there is one thing I've learned over the last forty years, it's Evan is going to hell. He should live and be well.

Now there are kids ripping me off. I had a kid try to buy five thousand dollars’ worth of graded cards for two hundred dollars. Told me it was "a good deal." He left out the "for me" part.
Just remembered. That guy in San Francisco still owes me money for My Jordan rookie that I sold him online. A Ganev. A liar. He's going to hell. Oh. that makes me feel better. He should live and be well.

I pray every year that Evan has done Teshuva and is broke. I know he hasn’t repented, as he hasn’t returned my Mickey Mantle. He should live and be well.

It's good to get it out. Thank you. I’ve had these thoughts for forty years. From the moment I lost my Mickey Mantle, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I couldn’t focus on reading. The whole time I was thinking about my Mickey Mantle. A good psychiatrist would’ve figured that out. Diagnosis: Evan.
And to all of those who are using the hobby to rip off kids. It's stealing. To those who ripped me off, you're going to hell. Gehenim is the payback to people who ripped me off. You should live and be well.

For Mike Greenwell's sake, let us bring honesty and holiness to the hobby. Something. I'm sick of getting ripped off.
I hope and pray we all repent and make trading cards something enjoyable. Not like pushing a Ford Escort up the block and looking like an idiot. That kid should live and be well.

Some things in life stick with you, and they're all negative. And I like sharing those experiences.
The piece of Ganev that ripped me off when I was eleven years old. He wanted my Mickey Mantle card and he wanted to trade his Mike Greenwells, and for some reason he didn't feel bad lying to me. And that's when I learned, there are jerks in the hobby, and I will hold a grudge for forty years.
This is hard to relive. Have you ever had a horrific experience that brings back bad memories that hurt to think about? Have you ever been to war? Ever been to prison? Ever broke your femur? I have to look at Mike Greenwell cards. Do you know what that feels like? To have to see Mike Greenwell cards?!

Here's the Story
It was recess and we only had fifteen minutes. That's all you get. Fifteen minutes. It's intense. Deals have to happen. That's fifteen minutes and then life is over. You're back in class, and you're dead. That's how I viewed death in elementary school. Studying. You get recess and then you die.

Earlier, on the bus on the way to school, Evan was showing me his book of Mike Greewells. A whole book of Mike Greenwell rookies. It looked glorious with all the beautiful colors. Glorious and dumb. Why would anybody need that many Mike Greewells?!
Evan was telling me how the Mike Greenwell rookie cards are rare. I was wondering how he had seventy of the rare card. How does he have all seventy ever made? How did they all end up in Rochester, New York?
I thought he had the only seventy Mike Greenwells ever made. And he confirmed he had all seventy. And I was amazed.
Turns out there were another seven million Mike Greenwell rookies made. But Evan only knew of the seventy that he had. His seventy were very rare. Nobody else had them. And that's when I learned that "rare" is a state of mind when you're ripping people off.

He buttered me up on the bus. And now it was time for 10am recess. Where deals are made and then you die.

The Deal
We're at recess, not getting exercise. I'm thinking, "I really love my Mickey Mantle card." Evan, the eighth grader is thinking, "I really love his Mickey Mantle card." Evan approaches me, and I said, "No. I think I'm going to keep the Mickey Mantle." And then came the conversation. Evan started with "Mike Greenwell is amazing." I responded with a, "Then why do you want to get rid of his cards?!" Which was a statement that seemed to make no sense to Evan. And that's when I learned that when somebody is trying to take your Mickey Mantle, logic is not part of the discussion.

And the back and forth kept going, with Evan:  
"He hit .300."
"But Mikey Mantle hit over .300 for his career."
"Mike Greenwell hits a lot of singles."
"Who cares about singles? Mickey Mantle hit home runs."
"But Mr. Greenwell focuses on singles. Anybody can hit home runs." He called Mike Greenwell, Mister. Somehow that gave more respect to his cards. I can't disrespect my elders. Mike Greenwell was now a Sir. And Mickey Mantle was never a Sir. "And you're getting seventy cards for one."
"But those cards only cost fifty cents each."
"But it's seventy of them."
"That doesn't make sense. I understand Mr. Greenwell is an excellent man. And he may have been knighted. But with all due respect, Mickey Mantle's card is very valuable."
"Look you're going to lose out on the deal if we don't do it now." Evan was an amazing negotiator. Might have been a thief. Not sure. That deflection was brilliant.
"But it's not a good card."
"But they're rookie cards."
"Rookie cards that nobody cares about. I think it's a good thing to lose out on this deal."
"It's a deal. Deals are good." Evan had a point. From what I remember, deals are good and they don't have anything to do with people taking my Mickey Mantle. "And you're getting a book."
"It's a trapper keeper." Trapper keepers were cool. A binder with Velcro. I would've given the Mickey Mantle for that book. And it had a spaceship on it.
"I'm bigger than you." "I'm bigger than you" is an excellent negotiating tactic. And then Evan added, "He's not playing anymore. That's how bad Mickey Mantle is." I couldn't argue against that. If Mickey was truly that good, he would've been playing late into his sixties. I was sold and Evan was bigger than me.

Evan then took the card. He's now smiling. Jumping for joy. I'm thinking, "This guy lied to me."
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
Evan then said the words that resonate to this day, "I'm happy for you. You ripped me off."
"Something feels off here." But it was convincing. "Why would anybody lie to me. Evan's a good guy."
And that's when I learned, I am a sucker. And people are jerks.

The Problem with Deals
I knew I shouldn't have done it. It all seemed off. He was happy.
The problem is I get caught up in the moment. You couple the older guy lying, the fact recess is almost over, and the rarity of a card that there are only seven million of, and I am now thinking, "I've got to do the deal. The teacher just called us in. I'm going to be dead in a minute."

Now Mike Greenwell was a decent hitter, and I'm sure an even better man. Mike hit over .300 with nineteen home runs. Who would've ever thought he wasn't going to be a star. We were hitting .800 in little league.
We thought he was going to be good. Ever heard of Jerome Walton? Exactly.
​And that's the problem with watching the news. He had one good game the night before the trade. I saw that. I heard Evan. I said "no" and Evan continued. And I felt like I was in a corner. And it was Topps '87. I love the design. Looks like an old card. That's how he got me. "The Mickey Mantle is an old card, but the Topps '87 card looks like an old card. And let's say Mike Greenwell ever makes it to a hundred home runs... that's the Hall of Fame right there." Who in pee wee little league ever hit a hundred home runs?!
And they were Topps. Not even '87 Fleer.

The problem is I felt like I had to do it. Evan said, "We have to trade." "Why do we have to trade? Why do I have to give away a card I love?! ​You want my good stuff. I get it."
But then I saw that recess was about to end. I knew I had to do the trade, as I was about to die. Or go back to class. It's all the same. As a child, I had a morbid view on life.

When Not to Do Deals
Don't do the deal when you hear stuff like, "This is your only chance." As I learned in my old age, you can still live past recess.
When they say, "It's rare. I am the only one who has it, along with seven million other people," it's probably not a great deal.
When somebody else is happy, don't do the deal. If you see the other guy smiling, do not do it. And definitely don't trust anybody who says, "I'm happy for you."

Later On
Now those Mike Greenwell cards are worth nothing, and I still hate Evan.
Mike Greenwell was injured for most of his career. Evan probably encouraged him to get injured. And I credit the fact that I'm in debt to that jerk in eighth grade and Mike Greenwell striking out. Every problem I have in life goes back to Mike Greenwell and Evan.

Evan ruined my trust in people. I don't trust anybody that's "happy for me."
Now I trust nobody. I go to the bakery, get a Danish, they smile at me, I know they're ripping me off. They say, "Have a good day." I scream back, "Ganev." They probably have a Mickey Mantle stashed somewhere.
​I go to the shuk. I know I'm getting ripped off. I'm sure every kiosk in the shuk has a Mickey Mantle hidden somewhere.
Evan is looking at his framed Mickey Mantle every night. Basking in the glory of me having to look at Mike Greenwells.
And every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to Gd and say, "I forgive anybody who wronged me, but the Ganev who traded me the Mike Greenwells." 

I'm still holding this in my heart. Shows how long resentment can last. 
​And I still get ripped off.

Mike Greenwell was a great person. Yeah. 
As a person, he was better than Mickey Mantle. How the Hall of Fame didn't take that into account. Mickey might have been great too. But I think Mike Greenwell was a better guy. At least on par. That's how I collected. It was about the player's Midot.
Mike Greenwell was a great dad. Not as good of a baseball career. Because he focused on his family.

***Mike Greenwell was a great player who gave the Boston Red Sox hope. He should be Zoyche to bask in Gd's glory in Olam Haba.
In the Hall of Fame of Olam Haba. And the cards have still not gone up.

Lag B’Omer- a) A holiday kids celebrate in Israel by burning anything they can. This includes, trees, branches, homes. It’s not considered antisemitism. It’s a festivity. Kids start collecting objects for this holiday six months in advance. So, protect your home. Sentence: ‘Where are the cabinets? It was just here yesterday.’ Sentence 2: ‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’ Sentence 3: ‘Please put grandpa back.’ b) Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai died on this day. Therefore, kids traditionally shoot an arrow, to add to the danger of the uncontained fires.

Ima- a) A person who does everything for you. These people clean, wash your clothes, cook, listen to your complaints. Then, you get married and complain about them visiting. See Shviger for how you offensively refer to people who love you. b) The lyrics to every Mizrachi song. Full Lyrics to Mizrachi Song: “Ima. Ani Ohev Otach. Ima.”
 
Shavuis- a) A holiday people celebrate by staying up all night to learn, in commemoration of the receiving of the Torah. Sentence: ‘Mom. Shavuis is my least favorite holiday. I thought holidays meant we had off from school. Now we have classes. How is that a holiday?! I don’t like celebrating classes.’ Follow-up Sentence: ‘Why do we always celebrate stuff I hate?! The eighth-grade graduation. I hated grade school.’ b) The holiday of dairy. The Chag responsible for Blintzes, cheesecake and acid reflux.

Bachur- A young lad or anybody that’s not married. Sentence: ‘We are so proud of him. The Bachur is only 83.’ Another Sentence: ‘I am 45 years of age. Why am I sitting at the kid’s table?’ Sentence of Anger: 'My nephew just got married, so he's a nineteen-year-old man and I'm a forty-eight-year-old little child.'

Badatz- Another kosher endorsement for Israeli food, and something else to bring up the cost of Bamba. Sentence: ‘Can I trust one rabbi and save money on the peanut butter puffs?’ Alternative Sentence: ‘There are a lot of Hebrew words there. Does that mean it’s a legit Hashgacha (supervision)? The Kosher symbol has a lot of rabbis’ names. No logo. Just Hebrew. Does that make it Kosher? Does Hebrew with ovals and circles make things Kosher?’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that the idea of Shavuis is celebrated to cause him an upset stomach. His understanding of Jewish law makes our practice of Mitzvot more meaningful.

Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
​
Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.

Here is a high school story about a fight with Jews on Lag BOmer. A little feel-good story about Jews fighting to get your mind off Jews getting attacked.
​
Fights Start at Friendly's
The story begins Saturday night, spring of 1993, Rochester, New York. Town of Brighton. The year of me in high school. That's what happened that year. And gel and mousse. Dep was still big. I was in Yeshiva at the time. There were no girls, so we fought a lot.
We were at Friendly's. The Kosher restaurant that wasn't Kosher. The Jewish kids were out enjoying Friendly's ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, sprinkles, rainbow and chocolate, a cocktail cherry on top. That's how bad the ice cream was. You ordered it and made sure they added everything. Tried to make it taste like Carvel. And you would get a banana in there for health reasons.

The Jewish kids consisted of Yeshiva guys from Brooklyn and some of our buddies that went to Brighton High School. The public school for the rich kids. Those were our wealthier friends that I grew up with. Their parents had a lot of money, so they sent their kids to public school. The parents who had no money paid for private school. It’s a Mitzvah somewhere in the Talmud to give all your money to the Yeshiva.
And then there were other high school kids. When other high school kids show up somewhere, there is a problem. They other kids also went to Brighton.
These other kids were eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Not Kosher. Goyim. I could already feel the tension. Why they weren't at Perkins, to this day, I can't tell you. They just wanted to cause problems. That's the only justification for not going to Perkins. 

Our friend in Brighton, Mike, gets called to the parking lot for a fight. Something must’ve happened in Brighton that week. Maybe they had classes.
We all head to the parking lot, thinking, "That's a good idea. I finished my ice cream."  I'm saying, "Maybe we shouldn’t watch Mike fight in the family establishment." They're all saying, "It's outside. And we ate the fudge already."
WCW Saturday Night at Friendly's. A parking lot match. Sounded cool. We were all into wrestling. If we had phones, we would've been filming it. We would've filmed it just in case somebody got hurt real bad, and we could have something to post.

Mike and this other kid start fighting. I'm like, "I feel like I'm living The Outsiders. I will not get involved." And like The Outsiders, we greased up our hair. We used gel. And then covered it up with our Yarmulkes. It was the early '90s. You wanted your hair to be firm under the Kippah.
Mike takes the Jew hater in a figure-four leglock. Mike is winning the fight. I was proud of Mike. All those years watching the World Championship Wrestling paid off. And Jews think Krav Maga is an excellent form of self-defense. I can tell you, they don't teach you the Tombstone Piledriver at Krav Maga.

We called the kid a Jew hater, because that's what people who take up booths on Saturday night at Friendly's are. Jew haters.
Jew hater's friends get into their cars, start driving their cars mid-fight. And the match iss stopped. Hulk Hogan never fought against a car.
 
Mike won that match. But it wasn't over. Mike's hair got messed up. Things were serious. And somebody called the police. If there is a reason to hate the cops, it's because they stop fights.

Fights Don't End at Friendly's
​Fight isn’t over. Apparently, the guy called Mike a Jew that week in school. And you don’t call a Jew a Jew.
Mike and the Jew hater both had cars, so neither of them was scared to continue the fight. Everybody at Brighton had to take sides. I believe the head of school was with the Jew haters.
So a fight is planned. 

Mike and our Brighton friends want the Yeshiva guys in the fight. The Yeshiva guys are from Brooklyn and everybody saw Goodfellas. They all know, it's not how you fight, it's how you talk. And they were scary. “What’d he say?!” You hear that from 5’2” Yankel, you're running. Yankel breeds fear. 
The Yeshiva guys joined because they felt it was important to be in a fight. They heard there was a fight. Somehow, that’s a Mitzvah. It's a Mitzvah to pay for Yeshiva and to fight. That and our math teacher said you have to stick up for your religion. And our math teacher was twenty-four. So, we listened to him.

The Battle
It's Lag BOmer. The Yeshiva celebrates with a baseball game. We're playing softball with the rabbis. Next thing I know, Brighton is at our Yeshiva game. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bystander who somehow knows a lot of idiots.
The public school planned to show up to our game at the park, to fight. Brilliance. Show up to the Yeshiva softball game for a brawl with the rebbes.

Now there are girls at our Yeshiva Lag BOmer party, not dressed properly. Not one of them had a black hat. Not even a white shirt and slacks. How they were going to play baseball, I have no idea.
Between us, after the fight, I petitioned to have girls in our Yeshiva.

My other good friend from Brighton, Nachum, roles up with a trunk full of bats. Fifty bats. Over the week and a half, he joined the Jewish Mob. He saw Goodfellas too.
Maybe he was planning a circus act. Maybe he was planning on handing a few bats to the other side. Just in case they forgot to bring their bats. Maybe he was worried the Yeshiva guys didn't have enough bats for the softball game. Was it for the Lag BOmer bonfire. I’ve seen kids in Israel burning closets and couches. You can buy bats and burn those. Anything to not expend energy to cut wood. All I know is that he had fifty bats in his trunk.
The rest of us had been watching wrestling. We were ready. We didn't need bats. We were going to body slam our opponents.

On the other side, I see Allison. "What is Allison doing rooting for the other side? We go to the JCC together." Turns out it was Jews on the other side. The anti-Semites were Jews. And they don't even go to shul. Why would you hate Jews if you don’t have to see them at shul.

The rabbis are there. For some reason, the rabbis don't think the fight is a good idea. The rabbis are older than twenty-four. Which is why we didn't listen them.
Our Minahel, head of the Beit Midrash, tells us we shouldn't fight. "The only thing that comes out of fighting is broken arms." He didn’t know about the figure-four leglock. 
Our Musar rabbi, who teaches morality, pulls the Jew hater kid aside, thinking, “Nachum has fifty bats in his trunk. Now is a good time to teach.” He asks the Jew hater, “Why do you hates Jews.” Fitting question for a Jew hater.Jew hater says, “I don’t hate Jews. I hate Mike.” And we’re all like, “Everybody hates Mike.”

Postscript
Why Mike is representing Judaism still baffles me to this day. But I can tell you. He is a Jew.
And that is what happened. Absolutely nothing. Until we got home and got in trouble. And just like in The Outsiders, we all got grounded.

Nachum is now a landlord who works in low income housing units. He carries a gun, and fifty bats in his trunk.
Mike still uses Dep. I think Dep was the real reason for the fight.
To this day, Mike is the reason for antisemitism.

Lessons Learned
Jews hate Mike.
Rabbis will ruin a good fight. 
​Don't eat at Friendly's unless if you're ready to fight.​
It was on through the flames of that Lag BOmer bonfire, I learned that nothing exciting will ever happen in my neighborhood.

​​ Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about complaining about community towels and the fact he never throws out a can, all while complaining that 90% off is not enough, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself not being able to figure out how to get out of a pizza shop in Meah Shearim.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

This Yom HaAtzmaut, I want to help. Israel Independence Day is coming and many Olim have no idea how to sell their Aliyah story, and to look good telling it. I’ve heard your stories. They’re bad. All you have is Nefesh BNefesh to blame. They didn’t educate you on the retelling of your Aliyah. There is no Haggadah for your move to the Holy Land.
Moving to Israel is a beautiful thing. A Mitzvah. You should be proud and honored to be with our nation. But there are critics out there. People who make a decent living, known as Americans. And they will test you.

Aliyah Is About Moving to Israel
We must be clear about this. We're talking about Israel. The Holy Land. The land of our people. Not Florida. Though Florida is the desired homeland that Gd chose for our people, nobody asks why people moved to Florida. Nobody is asking for an inspirational story about their gated community and how they saved on taxes. Nobody needs to know why they moved for safety, or the spiritual essence of walking through a golf course to shul.
Everybody understands why a Jew moves to Florida. You moved to Israel. Jews can't explain that. Boca Raton is reasonable. Why a Jew would move to Jerusalem, that you have to explain. 

What People Don't Want to Hear
Your story. Nobody wants to hear your story.
“I moved to Israel to be with my nation.” Who says that?! Nobody cares. "Peoplehood"?! Blah Blah Blah. Boohoo. You've lost your audience. How much does that pay. That's what people want to know. How much do they pay for living in the Jewish homeland.
Your story is pathetic. “Living in the land of our ancestors.” Nobody respects that. "The shekel is doing good." Now that's a reason. 
You've got to sound interesting. Pitch your Aliyah right. Spice it up. And never tell an American you thought it was a good idea. Since when is being with your people a good idea. Ever been to shul?! You say stuff like this at the Shabbat table, you will have no friends.

My Real Story- What Not To Tell
People used to hate me. Why? Because I told my Aliyah story. I would say stuff like, ​"I moved because it's a Mitzvah to live in Israel." They hear that, they think I'm a heretic. A Jew who doesn't believe in the Torah. If you want to live somewhere to do Mitzvahs, you move to Monsey. Teaneck. Kiriyas Yoel.
"Kodak closed. I wanted to get out of Rochester before they started blaming that on the Jews." I tell people that, they're asking me if Rochester is in Europe.
Nothing inspirational about my story. And that is why I don't tell my story.
Every Oleh has a story that didn't happen to them. You have to find yours. Your Aliyah story of inspiration and lack of employment. 
And do not use the "Mamdani became mayor" or "Obama and Biden were in office" Aliyah. Too many people have that story already. You want to be unique.
 
The Story of Connection Technique
This is how I talk about Aliyah now. "I made Aliyah of necessity to be awake, to be aware, to be of the people who need life to hit them in the face. Life is not always easy in Israel, but I am of the Olim, I made that change. I am of the Olim who did not want to leave my family. I am of the Olim whose heart yearns for connection to America. Yet, my soul yearns for a connection to my people. Growing up in Uganda, in an upper middle class family, I felt that connection. Of the nation of Israel. I came to settle the land, as in the Bible. I come to build the Homeland. A Chalutz. A pioneer of the year 2003. I am of the Olim who is part of a nation. I am of the tribe of Aliyah."
Strong ending to that Aliyah story. Beautifully self-righteous and vague. In other words, poetry. That's how experienced Olim speak. "Of the." How many times did I use "of the"? No idea. Employ it. "Of the" is inspired.
You see what I did?! You have to be the story of the Jewish people. Biblical. Do not be the story of yourself. Use the word "Bible." Bible works better than saying Torah. It's more inspiring. You inspire people like that. Now, they're coming to you for spiritual advice, and that's how you make money in Jerusalem.
They asked why I moved to Israel. I gave no answer. I diatribed about Jewish people. Somehow, I became a Chalutz. A pioneer who made the trek to Israel on EL AL flight LY26 from Newark. With an aisle seat.
"Uganda" in there. Brilliance. I've never been to Uganda. Now, I'm interesting.
If you're not as poetic as me, you need to go metaphysical. Add in something about your connection to Gd. Something about how Gd spoke to you.
 
Rabbi Yosef Karo - The Voice From Heaven Method
So brilliant. A Bat Kol, "a voice from heaven," told him to move to Israel. And that's why people respect Rabbi Karo.​ He was learning Shavuot night, and a voice came to him and Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz, telling them to move to Israel. 
The voice wasn't a disgruntled congregant who wanted them out. Many rabbis have members telling them to get out. That story goes, "Your Torah isn't wanted here. Your sermons are too long. Go someplace they appreciate Gd. Like Israel."
Use Rabbi Yosef Karo's story. You tell them you moved to Israel because a voice from heaven told you, they'll believe you. Your family already thinks you're crazy. You move to Tzfat, like Rabbi Karo, they believe you more. You tell them you heard a voice in Tzfat, they're not asking questions. You moved to Tzfat.
The first time people asked him, Rabbi Karo said it was a Mitzvah. He got no response. After a good hundred or so people, he polished his Aliyah story. He worked in the Bat Kol. He honed his craft.

Package Your Story
Your story must be packaged around Gd, settlement, original pioneer, near-death, and Uganda.
You want your American friends to know you’re part of the country. A Chalutz. A pioneer who has fully integrated into Israeli society. Conviction. You're an Israeli who has fully embraced the culture and can't speak Hebrew. Whose job is still in America. Because you're Israeli, and Israelis work in America. An original pioneer of our people, of the year 2026, with a dental practice in America. You pay people to dig.
Let them know you’ve done the army. Sounds good. You wanted to do the army. That's good enough. Throw in a real spiritual, life-changing story, about almost death and how you were saved, and then you saw Gd and you got a raise. Spiritual.
Wait. Package it with a Bal Teshuva story. Say you were returning in penitence. You mix that story of seeing the Jewish light with moving to Tzfat, you’re gold.
The more self-righteous the story, the more people respect you. As such, it is very important to close the eyes when telling your Aliyah story. Right now, I'm typing with my eyes closed, for you.
 
Lessons
Make sure you have a good spiritual story and you tell it with your eyes closed. Chicks dig it. And people think you're closer to Gd when you can't see. And strum a guitar while you're telling your story. That adds effect.
The less sense it makes, the more spiritual it is. Don't forget to say "of the." Nobody knows what that means.
Always use the "voice from heaven" line. Maybe throw in an "Elijah the Prophet" approached you on Birthright segment. Eliyahu the Prophet adds dimension layer to the Chalutz story. Makes it more Biblical. It takes your Aliyah to the next level. Even Rav Yosef Karo didn't use the Elijah thing.
You're from New York, Los Angeles, Singapore. I don't care. Tell people you're from Uganda. Employ "Uganda," that's all you have to say. That's your story. "Why did you make Aliyah?" "Uganda." "We get it."

Now you know what to say when they invite you for Shabbat dinner. Don't be a party pooper and kill the environment with your story. Say you’re a pioneer with a near-death experience, who heard a voice from heaven in Uganda. And people will love you. You'll have friends.
Or just say you thought you were moving to Miami.

I hope this was educational. 
Much respect. Kol Hakavod on your Aliyah.

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about safety signs at work and big jars of gefilte fish, all while using a Mezuzah as an excuse for him eating cookies and putting on weight, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself holding the chocolate Hamentashen he gave out on Purim, which were well past expiration date.

Spent six-thousand dollars on food so far. Now I need to pick up cleaning products and dishware. Forgot about that. I was assuming that dishware came with the three-hundred-dollar brisket.
Here is my list of stuff I will need to get to ensure the home is Pesahdik. With notes I took down, to keep me focused on the goal of worrying more. Again. I didn't think of the dishes. Nor did I think I would have to clean.
Before going on, throw out everything and get a new carpet. And make sure I sold all the Chametz, so I don't have to clean.
Remember to clean more.
 
Cleaning Products
You need to get cleaning stuff for the kids to clean. They teach that it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach. Which is why you send the kids to Jewish day school.
Going to a hotel, you still need to clean. So, buy the cleaning stuff. The hotel housekeeping cleaned the room for you. Which means you have to clean.

Every cleaning shpritz. Buy it Tile cleaner shpritz. Stove cleaner shpritz. Stove and tile cleaner shpritz. Everything cleaner shpritz that doesn't clean everything. Wood cleaner shpritz. Wood might have Chametz and it truly gets the tree to look shinier. Get the shpritz with the picture of the lemons. I like clean lemons.
Window cleaner shpritz. Just in case Chametz was spread on the windows by a chipmunk. Maybe it hibernated in the screen. Acorns are probably legumes.
Potpourri. I'm not sure. Might be Chametz. Now I have to throw that out. Remember to buy potpourri after Pesach, if I have funds.

Vacuum. A Kosher for Pesach one.
Dustbuster. Just in case the vacuum doesn't work. Or I might want to save energy by bending and going down on the floor to clean.
Brooms. Mop. Swiffer. I need a Swiffer to do what the broom, mop and vacuum do. There is a Swiffer, I need it. I washed the floor. I have to Swiff it. It's a cleaning product, and thus I must use it on Pesach. Swiffing is another fence around Chametz.

That's nine-hundred-dollars in cleaning products. And be sure to log a hundred-twenty hours in the cleaning of the living room. After I've quit my job, I can figure out the rest of the necessary cleaning.

Blowtorch. I will need a blowtorch to blow up the home, to make sure it's Pesahdik. Oven cleaner shpritz should work to remove some grease from the oven. Can't fully trust it. Though, it took off part of my finger last year. So, it is legitimate. Blowtorch the place.

Toothpaste. New tube.
Toothbrush. I have one. Buy more.
Baby wipes. That's what people use nowadays. After two days of Matzah, I will need to start using baby wipes. Got to keep clean on the Chag. 
Soap. Kosher for Pesach is better, just in case you get hungry.
Detergent. Again. Hashgachas are better. Alpine flavored Tide is not Kosher for Pesach. So don't eat that.
Kids might do the laundry, if you can convince them that cotton is a legume.
Make sure everything I buy is expensive. Cleaning products should be Kosher for Pesach, just in case I plan to eat the oven cleaner.

Bristle stuff. Anything with bristles. 
Sponges. Can't use them on the holiday, but I should buy them. Good to have them. 
Brushes. Brushes that work as sponges. Wait. those not sponge sponges. Whoever figured that out is amazing. Shabbat breeds invention.
 
Feather and spoon. That’s how you clean for Pesach. I need to get the feather and spoon. Forget all the sprays and vacuum stuff. And make sure the feather has a candle. Without a candle how are you supposed to see in a house. Buy the packet to be sure it’s Kosher for Pesach before I burn it. Blowtorch the feather and spoon.

Extra Notes
Forgot mayonnaise. Shoot. The horseradish is going to hurt.
Get Kosher for Pesach lettuce. Don’t get the nonKosher for Pesach one. Never buy Bodek again. I’m not that well to do.
And parsley. Need parsley. I wrote “every vegetable” on my list. But I don’t know if parsley falls into that.
Chocolate covered almonds. Do not forget those. The cake will not be very good. I will need to eat a lot of chocolate covered almonds. Why do I not eat chocolate covered almonds during the year? That is a good question. I'll ask that at the Seder.
 
Maxwell House Haggadah because that’s tradition. Do not buy Maxwell House coffee.

There is a lot more that was left out. I should be at around eight-thousand dollars right now.
After you pull your kids from Jewish day school, you should have enough to purchase the rest of what you need on your Pesach list. Like more tinfoil. 
Don't pull your kids out of school until they learned it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach.
 
Anything with Kosher of Pesach on it or a "P," buy it.
And make a trip to New York to pick up more stuff. It's Pesach. Gas prices are not the issue with the cost of Pesach food. I can't blame Iran for what Gefen and Manischewitz are charging for macaroons. 
New York will have something I didn't think was Kosher for Pesach, like tape. Buy it. It's Kosher for Pesach.

Buy another Blumenkrantz guide. And make sure to look at the OU and Star-K's guides to make it harder for myself. So, I can feel more religious. 
And clean more. I feel very religious when I'm burnt out. When I haven't slept.
And make sure I have enough tinfoil and tins. I don't think ShopRite has enough in stock.

Forgot the dishware. Shoot. I'm out of funds. I will get that stuff next year. And don't dust anything next year. Leave the dust. I've been sneezing for a month.

Note for after Pesach:
Make sure to buy back your Chametz and house at a loss.

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off. 

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Hatzalah cars that are made smaller so that people can save more lives and people trying to Daven at the Kotel, all while trying to push through crosswalk reform in Israel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of kids smoking a cigarette, trying to take down the institution of Chinuch (proper Jewish education).

Thank you David for spreading Torah and the idea of children smoking as something positive. Too many people judge that kind of thing.

This is the Jews in sports issue and thank Gd there are no swimsuits. No Jews in swimsuits issue. Nobody needs to see that.
Here is what we saw the past couple months in sports and at the Olympics.

The Deni Avdija Saga
Deni Avdija is now hated because he's good at basketball. Who didn't see this coming?!
So much social media hatred, because he’s good at a sport. This would never happen to anybody other than a Jew. "He's averaging twenty-eight points a game. I hate Syria!!!" And of course they’re saying, "Now the Jews are running the world and basketball!" And they're right. The NBA commissioner is Jewish. We have to agree with the Jew haters here.

Let's go off on the Israeli NBA star and his bad decisions. Like a fool, Deni suggested people not share strong opinions if they don't know anything about a topic. Not very American. Then he went on to say that if you're not educated on a subject, you shouldn't talk about it. So now he's suggesting college graduates not have opinions. Only an aggressor would share such an opinion.
What kind of American is this guy?! And you wonder why people hate Jews.
And then Deni tells The Athletic, "I obviously stand for my country, because that's where I'm from..." What???! Is this guy just totally anti-American?! What kind of American supports their country?! Americans know better than to support their people.
And then he thinks that when you’re playing a game, it’s not a time for politics. You drive to the basket, you take a layup, you say, "I hate my country." That’s what normal NBA players do. Deni’s probably one of those haters who wouldn’t have kneeled during the national anthem.
And worst of all, Israelis are proud of Deni Avdija. And you wonder why so many people hate him.

Deni Avdija is the first Israeli athlete to ever make it to the NBA All-Star game and Spike Lee shows up to the game wearing a fishnet pattern Kaffiyeh and Palestinian flags. And it has nothing to do with Deni Avdija. As Spike Lee made clear, it was in support of Israel. Pure happenstance that he’s fully clad in Yasser Arafat. 
Spike Lee wrote, "I didn't know Deni as the first Israeli born All-Star. He can ball. Now I do know. Live and learn.” And what Spike Lee has learned is how to get away with stuff by lying. You say you had no idea, and it’s fine. It works. “I stabbed my husband. I didn’t realize he cheated on me.” When putting out an anti-Semitic film, Spike didn’t know that Jewish people run Hollywood when he said “Jewish people run Hollywood.” Maybe our last statement here is anti-Semitic. We take it back. We did not know. 
What Mr. Lee definitely did learn is how to steal lines from G.I. Joe. I’m guessing he also doesn’t know that “Now I Know” is Sergeant Slaughter’s line. And we just learned that Mr. Lee is not Chinese.
And he continued, "Nor was it intended as a comment on the significance of Deni being an All-Star.” He only wore it because Anthony Edwards is from Atlanta.
Turns out, Deni thinks Spike Lee should not have an opinion. Because Spike Lee is an idiot.
It turns out Spike Lee has made many inflammatory statements over the years. Every one of them against Jews. But he did not know they were against Jews when he made them against Jews.
As our contributor, Shlomo said, "Spike Lee was just trying to do the right thing." As Spike Lee was clear that he has "utmost belief in human dignity for all humankind." As such Spike will be wearing an Israeli flag to Gaza. He will walk down the streets of Gaza City to let everybody know that Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people. Thus, we will not be seeing Spike Lee at next year’s NBA All-Star game.
 
And the Olympics Saga
On February seventh burglars stole passports, suitcases, shoes, and thousands of dollars' worth of specialized equipment from Israel's bobsled team. It turns out the boycott divestment people truly do like Israeli products. And since then, a new form of divestment has begun, where you steal the Israeli products. Kind of like a divestment investment in Israeli products campaign.
This took place at their Olympic training camp in the Czech Republic. But they didn't let not having their clothes and other personal items keep them down. And the team continued training immediately after, which pissed off everybody else at the hotel. Making it hard for people to get to their rooms and sleep. The hotel manager had to stop this, saying, "Please take your sled back to the room, and find some clothes."
The Swiss announcer called AJ Edelman, the bobsledder, "a Zionist," which translates to "genocide backer" in French. It turns out AJ Edelman can’t even do simple bobsledding without being accused of killing Arabs. I believe the Swiss announcer missed this part. But I think we saw AJ using his sled to try to hit a Palestinian, who was standing at the end of the run.

At least the sports announcers don't let their lack of knowledge on a subject get in the way of their opinions.
I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that with a Swiss announcer blaming our Israeli team for Hamas. “And he took the guy to the mat. The same way he killed everybody in Gaza. Like a human shield. And he's now leaving the arena. Going back into his tunnel.”

People who were competing against Jews competed in this Olympics. In judo competitions, and past Olympics, athletes refused to fight Israelis. This being the only time Arabs and Islamic Republic of Iran have refused violence against Jews in recorded history.

Jack Hughes scores the overtime goal to give America the win in the Olympics hockey finals. Hughes has a Jewish mother and Christian father. We'll take it. He’s Jewish. Aerin Frankel, goalie for the US women's hockey team, brings home the gold with three shutouts. And this is why people hate Jews. Now Jews run hockey too.
Jews have finally found a sport they are good at. A sport that takes no running or jumping. And mind you, this is ice hockey. Not floor hockey. Which means none of these athletes are Frum. They might beat Canada, but they would lose to TABC Yeshiva.
Turns out that once the British team heard Aerin was Jewish, they stopped shooting on goal and started to try to hit her.

Upon taking the gold, Jack Hughes said he was proud to be an American. Not again. Another Deni Avdija.
As if being a proud American is not enough, Jack Hughes went off, “When you get the chance to go to White House and meet the president, we're proud to be Americans, and that's so patriotic…” Oh. No. This is where the antisemitism starts. He wants to see the president. I have no idea what school he went to, but this is a poorly raised child. This is why you have to separate children from their parents. 
He didn’t stop there. He keeps going, “No matter what your views are, we're super excited to go to the White House tomorrow and be a part of that." So unAmerican. And you wonder why people want Jews out of America. Not living in Israel. Living in… Not living anywhere. We went through the list of countries that want Jews.
If we've learned anything as a people, athletes should not represent their country. Especially in the Olympics.
 
More Sports That Were Left Out of the New York Times
Maccabi Tel Aviv football fans aren’t allowed at Maccabi games in Birmingham, UK. Israeli teams are allowed to play, but they're not allowed to have their fans. They’re allowed to have the other teams’ fans. And sometimes the fans for the other teams do cheer for Israel. We did catch a few chants with Israel in it. One went, “Down with Israel.” And there was one that went, “Israel go to hell.”
Maccabi fans are allowed to show up at Manchester United games. They’re allowed to go to England to root for the other teams. To quote one Maccabi fan, “It felt very Zionistic rooting for Leeds.”
It comes down to safety. It turns out soccer is a very dangerous sport because of Jews. Jews getting attacked by mobs is extremely dangerous to onlookers. When chasing Jews with bats and knives, it has happened that innocent bystanders were hit by a chair that fell. And that can’t happen.

The boxing champion, Floyd Mayweather, shows to the Republican Coalition for Israel and says, "I will always stand behind the country of Israel." That's all it took. The man has Jewish fans for life. Apparently, he’s against the massacre of Jews. Not a popular stance. We love him.
As he said, "I will always be the voice for the people in Israel." And he now is. He doesn't speak Hebrew. But we don't care. The man is our voice.
Greatest speaker ever. Two sentences, he’s representing us in the UN. And I believe the UN will be a more exciting place with boxing promoters. Get some fights going in that place. Some real fights. I’ve seen the look on those people’s faces. Don King should be on that. Getting Pakistan into it.

Lebron James, a supporter of Deni Avdija, said he hopes to visit Israel. Which is a beautiful thing. He's just waiting to be able to scrape together the cash to be able to make the trip. 
And that is how expensive EL AL is.

Great Jews in Sports was published in 1983. A new edition has not been put out since. The last great Jewish athlete is Hank Greenberg.
As we have seen, a lot of great Jewish athletes are now starting to shine. With all the intermarriage, we might need to put out another volume soon.
 
That was a lot. If we’ve learned anything the past few months, B”H, it turns out they hate Jews in sports too.

Here is what I saw the past few months in the news.

For anybody who missed it. Antisemitism still exists.
Guy rams into 770 with his car. Some people are willing to do go way too far to get their dollar.

Israel laser missile defense program is shunned by the world. It makes it not fair when they shoot rockets at Israel. ​To quote, "People shoot missiles at Israel. Missiles cost a lot. It's a waste when they don't hit... And this is why we hate Jews." Turns out the world is very mad about this idea of Jews being safe. As are Spike Lee and Tyler Oliveira.

New electric water drip system in Israel is working. Baruch H'. No idea what it is. But it works. And it's good to know that. Happy we got that news. I will do what I can and not get involved.

Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, is now doing press conferences on subways. He's already bankrupt city hall to the point that he has no office.
The mayor said, "It's better to meet on the subway. There are less rats here."
The people in the cart for the press conference were not very happy. They were trying to figure out if they got on the wrong train. Middle of the news conference, the woman in the back got up and asked Mamdani if the train was going to stop at Times Square. To which Mamdani said, "No. It's too dangerous. And the garbage hasn't been picked up." I'm not positive that all happened. But I think it did.
I think he's the only New Yorker that feels safe on the subways. He's not Jewish.

Jews are still against Jews and Israel, as it is a Jewish value to hate Jews.

Universities in Europe want to boycott Israel, again. They still can't get it right. Turns out they're not very good at not buying Israeli products.

Nothing positive about Jews was in the news. Even China is spreading propaganda about Jews. Not very happy about it, the CCP is doing what they can to make up for thousands of years of not knowing that Jews messed up their lives too.

Israel breaks the ceasefire by getting shot at.
New Media Definition of the Week: Breaking a Ceasefire- When they shoot at you.

Britain has new laws which don't allow you to share thoughts. So, if you're from England, please do not read any of this. You will get arrested. 

Apartheid Free Zones have been created in Hackney, Bristol, Sheffield, and Brighton. Apartheid free means that Jews are not allowed. Many of our readers may not know this, but the definition of apartheid is the presence of Jews in your neighborhood. Apartheid free also means not buying anything from Israel, because Jews live there with Arabs.
To make the people of the neighborhood feel comfortable they went around and knocked on Jewish doors, to let Jews know they suck. They were quite polite about it. Some even rang the bell. "Top of the morning to you. And you suck. And you are killing people right now. Enjoy your tea. You Earl Grey genociders."
They wanted to give Jews speeches about how they suck, and how they shouldn't be allowed to live. And they figured the proper way to do this is with a neighborly Jew hunt. They took down addresses of people who think Jews have the right to live in a country with people who don't want to kill them. In order to fight genocide.
Going from door to door, asking people if they're Jewish was met with some criticism by locals who made it clear that you don't have to ask people if they're Jewish. "You can just see if they have a Mezuzah." As the protector of our people went on, "You can just mark down the homes that have the Mezuzahs on them."
In many of the Chasidik neighborhoods the Jew hunters received a lot of Tzedakah. To quote one Chasid, "I've never seen a Mishulach without a Kippah. Usually, they knock on my door and ask for money. These people had a very long pitch. I just gave them the Gelt. It's a Mitzvah."
American Jews were angered by this episode, claiming, "It also happens to us. My address was taken down by the Jewish Federation. They won't stop harassing me."

Jews are still being attacked. Wanted to make that clear.

Iranians are being massacred by the Ayatollah. Nobody cares. It's Israeli propaganda to care about the murder of Iranians. Let's move on.

Miss Universe had a Miss Palestine, Nadeen Ayoub. She won the Miss Palestine preliminaries unanimously against herself. The contest had no other contestants, because Palestine does not exist. But she won that.
Nadeen married the son of murderer and terrorist Marwan Barghouti. And she named her son after the terrorist. Not important. It’s tough to name kids. You don’t want to get your father-in-law mad.
 
Video shows snowstorm in Gaza. Now Israelis are creating snow to kill more Gazans.
According to many news syndicates, Gaza is now located in the Himalayas. And Israel is still attacking them there, with snow.

Back to Iran. Mark is on our staff and he seems to care. To quote Mark, who's American, "The killings in Iran. That ruined my day." Mark feels for the Iranian people and he was not able to enjoy his workout. Mark wants it to be known that he showed solidarity. Mark is American and his day was thrown off. He did his part for the cause. And we at the Kibbitzer are with Mark. If anybody wants to hang out later, Mark is hoping to hit a nightclub to show solidarity.
Most Americans are against saving Iranian lives. As has been stated, "They didn't attack police at their rallies in LA. And it is wrong to not attack police. Last time we saw this was at the proIsrael rally. Shame!"

News syndicates take back news about Israel again. They finally get the news right the fifth time around.

Ceasefire resumes. This is the most violent ceasefire I have ever seen.

Tucker Carlson made a trip to Israel for his first pilgrimage ever, to the Ben Gurion Airport. He wanted to witness where Jesus flew out of.
Tucker did not make it to Jerusalem or the Jordan River. Tucker wants to make it clear that Nazareth and Bethlehem are also not important to the real Christians. What is important to the real Christians is Saudi Arabia. To quote Tucker Carlson, "Everybody knows that."
I hope I am not misrepresenting Tucker Carlson. We all feel bad that he was abused with questions. Nobody should ever have to witness such things at an airport. We at the Kibbitzer are angered by the episode and insist Israeli security stop asking people who packed their bags.

Muslims pray in New York City. That scares people. Islamic prayer has people on edge.

Some say seventy thousand have been killed in Iran by the Ayatollah's recent massacres. Because it's not Israel, Google has the number at seven thousand.
​Trump said he has the back of the Iranian people in their fight against the regime. Which means he has done nothing.
My understanding of the conversation. "We have your back. Don't stop. We won't let them kill you." "Where is this guy?! They are stabbing me right now!!!" "Keep at it. Don't give in." "I'm at the hospital and they just shot my doctor." "Don't worry. Keep strong. We're right here."
The rest of the conversation was. "Where the hell is America. They kidnapped my family and just cut off my hand and raped it." "If Trump doesn't come next week I'm converting to Islam." And that is how you bring loyal people to your faith.

Death toll numbers in Gaza still show no combatants. It is now clear, Israel killed sixty-thousand journalists.

Next week we will have a special Jews in the News focusing on the Olympics, Jews in sports, and how they have caused antisemitism by competing.
Our full report on Mamdani’s snow removal will come in our spring issue, when the snow melts. We want to give him a chance to get rid of the snow.
Our chief editor, Rachel, said we should just write, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that. She also said we can add, "And he is asking Jews to shovel."

Dear Dave,
And now this just happened. I know I just sent a letter, but now this happened.

I made the mistake and went to the wedding. Relative got married. So, I drove back down to New York. 
It got out that I was driving seven hours. So, my cousin thought it's a good idea to ask me to pick up his family.

Let me repeat. I'm driving seven hours to this event. I get a, "Can you pick us up?!" Like I was driving seven hours because it was my turn for the carpool. 
So, now I'm driving another two hours to pick up family. We're now driving nine hours. How that makes sense? I don't know. It's how carpools work in my family. Truth is, I have never driven the family carpool before, because I don't live anywhere near them.
In his mind, me driving an extra two hours is nothing. Why? Because I'm single.
We got other cousins living down the street from him. I've got siblings right by him. Can't call them. "Your sister is going to come? It's a long drive for her." Fifteen minutes. That how long the drive is for my sister. "She has to drive fifteen minutes out of her way. That's no right. She shouldn’t have to come pick me up."
The whole time, I'm thinking, "Does he not know he's talking to me right now!!!" Did I hear that correctly?! Me driving the extra two hours, now driving nine hours. Me. I have to hear that fifteen minutes is too much????!!!! I'm driving seven hours, by myself. I don't think he caught that part.

So, I of course say "yes." And still no credit. Because my sister is married.
Like I said the other day, they get credit for not showing. Them not helping, they get credit for that. "Your sister doesn't have time. She has kids."
Why do they think married people are always busy? I know a lot of very irresponsible parents. And they are not busy watching over their children. And I know this, because I go to shul.
And by the way, single people have responsibilities. They have dogs. And you won't even let them bring the dog to the wedding. How Frum Jewish weddings never let you bring a plus one.

It's at this point that I've already listened to every podcast that exists about Trump going into Iran. And I have another five hours left. Silence. Nothing to listen to other than "Karma Chameleon" for five hours.
What got me going is my aunt then asked me to pick her up. That's another forty-five minutes out of the way. So, we're up to ten and a half hours of driving, just to get there. My sister is up to sixty-five minutes. Round trip.

I appreciate my sister and her time. I just thought that I had time too. Like time existed for me. Like I had stuff to do during this thing that married people call "time." 
I would love to get some of this time stuff.

In the meantime, I'm driving around to all the married people's homes, because it turns out married people don't have the ability to pick people up.
How carpools work when I'm not driving twenty hours, I have no idea. How kids make it to baseball practice, I have no idea.
I hope nobody brings up carpools as a topic of conversation at the wedding. I will end up having to drive down to the Bronx to pick up my cousin's in-law's child for little league.
I'm going to end up doing their chores. Watch. They're talking right now, "I can't run errands today. David has freetime. He's single. What's David doing in Upstate New York. Maybe we should reach out to David. Have him drive down and pick up the milk. He’s single."

If I bring up that a married person can help, they start going off on everything married people have ever done to help. I'm hearing, "Back in kindergarten, I helped John and Samantha trace the 'c.'"

Just be fair with who you ask for what. They have to stop expecting single people to do everything.
How do I tell my family I have a life? How do I tell them, “I have my own errands to run”?

Point is, I need somebody in my life so that I don't have to pick up family. 
I have to get married. Then I'll never have to help again... I just broke into musical. I took a break and wrote a musical dream sequence. I was inspired.
If I have a family, I'll never have to help family.

If you talk to my family, please let them know I do stuff. Here's a list of things I do: Basketball, learn Torah sometimes, take care of the house, worry about the house, vacation, date, entertainment, watch a series, worry, watch another series, worry about what series I'm going to watch next, forget I had a date, go to shul when I wake up on time, work out, get more sleep, watch a few movies, go over my baseball cards because I had a hobby that I spent a lot of money on forty years ago.
Don't tell the girls I collect cards. Tell them I lift. That sounds cool. And don't tell them I help people. They hear I'm single and I help, we go on a date, they're going to ask me to pick them up.

Problem is when they hear I'm going to the Simcha. Somehow, the people who are celebrating let everybody know, "David can pick you up." They're about to get married and they make it a point to screw me over.
That's it. I'm never telling family I'm coming. I shall never RSVP again.

Is my understanding of what they expect from single people correct? Do married people ever get asked to do favors?
I'm just happy they didn't ask me to help the caterer. Nobody asked me to pick up the wedding cake on my way.

Got to run. My single friend at work just asked me to take over his shift. He said, "It wouldn't be right to ask the other guys to help, they're married and they have responsibilities."

LSimchas,
​David

Dear Dave,
Why is nothing I do as a single person appreciated? A person of single origin.

I showed up to the Bris. I was there. That's all I have to say. Somebody has to tell my family that.
They didn't forget anybody else. Just me. All married people were noticed. I know this, because my nephew went over the list of people who showed up to watch the circumcision. He named them all. "Shimi, Baruch and their families even came. And... But I don't remember you being at the Bris. And you're single. And you have nothing else to do." 
By the way, as an old single man, I can't announce, "I'm here to watch the circumcision." That's one of the things I've learned over many years of being single. Maybe it's better I wasn't on that list. As a single man, it's better for me to sign my name at a funeral than a Bris.

I went to the Bris. I was there. I feel like I have to prove it to you too. I'm sorry I didn't take pictures. If you want pictures, my cousin was loving the whole thing. She has a whole Bris album.
I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures and putting together a special Bris album. Is it fine to have dedicated Bris pictures? I don't know. I feel like there's a reason most people stick to wedding albums.

That was an eight-hour drive to Long Island. I got nothing. Not even a thank you. People drove in from Brooklyn, they got an announcement. “The family that went out of their way, on their trip to Queens…” That's what married people get. Credit for stopping by for breakfast.
No credit. I need a family, just to be remembered. To get some credit.

Even if they do remember, it's because I have free time. "He had free time. So, he drove eight hours. That's what single people do, because they have free afternoons." Like I have nothing going on. Like there isn't a new series I want to watch?!!! 

​Why do I want some credit? To feel like a person. I'm not even asking for married person credit. I'm just asking for some credit. Something. Maybe, "We want to thank the guy in the back without friends who came because he had nothing to do."

Nothing other than kids takes time. You can’t do anything good as a single. Anything good they start with, “He has free time. I would've dedicated twelve years to saving children in Sudan too. I just have a family.” No matter how much you help. “The reason your uncle came to the circumcision. He’s a failure.”
No idea why I showed up to the Bar Mitzvah either. No family points, and I'm now a creep, because they invited me. I have to stop showing up to Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions.
Funerals. I have to show to funerals. At least I won't feel bad if the Baal Simcha doesn't give me credit.

Response to me showing to a family party, driving by myself, no sleep, missing work. “He’s single. He’s a yutz.” “It’s free time. Married people don't have that.” “He visits sick people because he’s lonely.” “He goes to nursing homes because he's hoping to meet somebody.” “He’s here because he has no job.” “He came for the free food.” I traveled through the night for the falafel party. I drove by myself, lost work with no second income in the house, because I like the garbanzos. By the time that trip was over, the expense was six-hundred-eighty-dollars. But I got a free pita. I am still trying to figure out why they had an Israeli themed Bris, naming the kid "Yankel."
The Chutzpah of it. They don't think I work, and not one of them offers to pay for my gas.
 
Married people don’t show, they get credit for that. “They have so much going on with their kids. They couldn’t come. Their hearts are here.” Do you know how much credit my siblings get for their hearts showing up to events?!
“David has no heart… Because he has no kids.”

Am I paranoid? No. They see me as a yutz with no future prospects. 
They can at least help. There is no reason they can't go around at the Bris and ask if anybody is in the process of getting a divorce.

I need to have kids just to get credit. I could stay home and get more credit and family points for sleeping. "David needs sleep. He couldn't come. You should be more like him and sleep through family events."
When you’re not there, they think you have something going on. Next time, I shall stay home. People will think I’m accomplishing stuff. My nephew might even think I was there. My absence is more present than my presence. Think about that for a moment. That's quite spiritual, Dave.
 
That’s enough for today. It’s good to get it out.

Point is that nothing you do will ever be appreciated. You can do Mitzvahs. They don't care.  Visit the sick, they think you’re hitting on them while they have pnemonia. Other than that. “The guy doesn’t even work.”
Point is it's not worth it to do Chesed. Don't help people. Helping people makes you look like you have nothing going on in your life. Hell. I am going to stop giving charity.
You want to be loved, don’t help and don’t do anything for anybody else. They will appreciate you more for that.
When you and your wife visit the sick or show to family Simchas, parties, do you guys get credit?

My advice to any single person. Don't show to family events.
If you do show up, just pop in and say, "I'm only running in to say Mazel Tov." You show up to an event to run out, that's a something. Everybody remembers that. "He came to not be here. That's our successful relative." "What does he do?" "No idea. He never has time to stay. An overachiever. Very proud of him."
You get credit for not being there.

Your advice is appreciated. Should I just stay home? Get people thinking something is going on in my life?
​If you could, please remind my nephew and his parents that I showed to his son's Bris. Also, please remind him I had a conversation with him about me being there.
Next circumcision I go to, I'm taking a lot of selfies. Bris album on my wall. 

LSimchas,
David

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Chabad spreading Mitzvahs like Tefillin, community give food to the needy, all while not being sure if all the graves on the highway in Tiveria are of Tzadikim, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him wishing he had his nephew's toy car.

And we want to thank David for his extremely long captions. To quote David, "A picture is only a thousand words if you write them."