Some things in life stick with you, and they're all negative. And I like sharing those experiences.
The piece of Ganev that ripped me off when I was eleven years old. He wanted my Mickey Mantle card and he wanted to trade his Mike Greenwells, and for some reason he didn't feel bad lying to me. And that's when I learned, there are jerks in the hobby, and I will hold a grudge for forty years.
This is hard to relive. Have you ever had a horrific experience that brings back bad memories that hurt to think about? Have you ever been to war? Ever been to prison? Ever broke your femur? I have to look at Mike Greenwell cards. Do you know what that feels like? To have to see Mike Greenwell cards?!

Here's the Story
It was recess and we only had fifteen minutes. That's all you get. Fifteen minutes. It's intense. Deals have to happen. That's fifteen minutes and then life is over. You're back in class, and you're dead. That's how I viewed death in elementary school. Studying. You get recess and then you die.

Earlier, on the bus on the way to school, Evan was showing me his book of Mike Greewells. A whole book of Mike Greenwell rookies. It looked glorious with all the beautiful colors. Glorious and dumb. Why would anybody need that many Mike Greewells?!
Evan was telling me how the Mike Greenwell rookie cards are rare. I was wondering how he had seventy of the rare card. How does he have all seventy ever made? How did they all end up in Rochester, New York?
I thought he had the only seventy Mike Greenwells ever made. And he confirmed he had all seventy. And I was amazed.
Turns out there were another seven million Mike Greenwell rookies made. But Evan only knew of the seventy that he had. His seventy were very rare. Nobody else had them. And that's when I learned that "rare" is a state of mind when you're ripping people off.

He buttered me up on the bus. And now it was time for 10am recess. Where deals are made and then you die.

The Deal
We're at recess, not getting exercise. I'm thinking, "I really love my Mickey Mantle card." Evan, the eighth grader is thinking, "I really love his Mickey Mantle card." Evan approaches me, and I said, "No. I think I'm going to keep the Mickey Mantle." And then came the conversation. Evan started with "Mike Greenwell is amazing." I responded with a, "Then why do you want to get rid of his cards?!" Which was a statement that seemed to make no sense to Evan. And that's when I learned that when somebody is trying to take your Mickey Mantle, logic is not part of the discussion.

And the back and forth kept going, with Evan:  
"He hit .300."
"But Mikey Mantle hit over .300 for his career."
"Mike Greenwell hits a lot of singles."
"Who cares about singles? Mickey Mantle hit home runs."
"But Mr. Greenwell focuses on singles. Anybody can hit home runs." He called Mike Greenwell, Mister. Somehow that gave more respect to his cards. I can't disrespect my elders. Mike Greenwell was now a Sir. And Mickey Mantle was never a Sir. "And you're getting seventy cards for one."
"But those cards only cost fifty cents each."
"But it's seventy of them."
"That doesn't make sense. I understand Mr. Greenwell is an excellent man. And he may have been knighted. But with all due respect, Mickey Mantle's card is very valuable."
"Look you're going to lose out on the deal if we don't do it now." Evan was an amazing negotiator. Might have been a thief. Not sure. That deflection was brilliant.
"But it's not a good card."
"But they're rookie cards."
"Rookie cards that nobody cares about. I think it's a good thing to lose out on this deal."
"It's a deal. Deals are good." Evan had a point. From what I remember, deals are good and they don't have anything to do with people taking my Mickey Mantle. "And you're getting a book."
"It's a trapper keeper." Trapper keepers were cool. A binder with Velcro. I would've given the Mickey Mantle for that book. And it had a spaceship on it.
"I'm bigger than you." "I'm bigger than you" is an excellent negotiating tactic. And then Evan added, "He's not playing anymore. That's how bad Mickey Mantle is." I couldn't argue against that. If Mickey was truly that good, he would've been playing late into his sixties. I was sold and Evan was bigger than me.

Evan then took the card. He's now smiling. Jumping for joy. I'm thinking, "This guy lied to me."
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
Evan then said the words that resonate to this day, "I'm happy for you. You ripped me off."
"Something feels off here." But it was convincing. "Why would anybody lie to me. Evan's a good guy."
And that's when I learned, I am a sucker. And people are jerks.

The Problem with Deals
I knew I shouldn't have done it. It all seemed off. He was happy.
The problem is I get caught up in the moment. You couple the older guy lying, the fact recess is almost over, and the rarity of a card that there are only seven million of, and I am now thinking, "I've got to do the deal. The teacher just called us in. I'm going to be dead in a minute."

Now Mike Greenwell was a decent hitter, and I'm sure an even better man. Mike hit over .300 with nineteen home runs. Who would've ever thought he wasn't going to be a star. We were hitting .800 in little league.
We thought he was going to be good. Ever heard of Jerome Walton? Exactly.
​And that's the problem with watching the news. He had one good game the night before the trade. I saw that. I heard Evan. I said "no" and Evan continued. And I felt like I was in a corner. And it was Topps '87. I love the design. Looks like an old card. That's how he got me. "The Mickey Mantle is an old card, but the Topps '87 card looks like an old card. And let's say Mike Greenwell ever makes it to a hundred home runs... that's the Hall of Fame right there." Who in pee wee little league ever hit a hundred home runs?!
And they were Topps. Not even '87 Fleer.

The problem is I felt like I had to do it. Evan said, "We have to trade." "Why do we have to trade? Why do I have to give away a card I love?! ​You want my good stuff. I get it."
But then I saw that recess was about to end. I knew I had to do the trade, as I was about to die. Or go back to class. It's all the same. As a child, I had a morbid view on life.

When Not to Do Deals
Don't do the deal when you hear stuff like, "This is your only chance." As I learned in my old age, you can still live past recess.
When they say, "It's rare. I am the only one who has it, along with seven million other people," it's probably not a great deal.
When somebody else is happy, don't do the deal. If you see the other guy smiling, do not do it. And definitely don't trust anybody who says, "I'm happy for you."

Later On
Now those Mike Greenwell cards are worth nothing, and I still hate Evan.
Mike Greenwell was injured for most of his career. Evan probably encouraged him to get injured. And I credit the fact that I'm in debt to that jerk in eighth grade and Mike Greenwell striking out. Every problem I have in life goes back to Mike Greenwell and Evan.

Evan ruined my trust in people. I don't trust anybody that's "happy for me."
Now I trust nobody. I go to the bakery, get a Danish, they smile at me, I know they're ripping me off. They say, "Have a good day." I scream back, "Ganev." They probably have a Mickey Mantle stashed somewhere.
​I go to the shuk. I know I'm getting ripped off. I'm sure every kiosk in the shuk has a Mickey Mantle hidden somewhere.
Evan is looking at his framed Mickey Mantle every night. Basking in the glory of me having to look at Mike Greenwells.
And every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to Gd and say, "I forgive anybody who wronged me, but the Ganev who traded me the Mike Greenwells." 

I'm still holding this in my heart. Shows how long resentment can last. 
​And I still get ripped off.

***Mike Greenwell was a great player who gave the Boston Red Sox hope. He should be Zoyche to bask in Gd's glory in Olam Haba.

Lag B’Omer- a) A holiday kids celebrate in Israel by burning anything they can. This includes, trees, branches, homes. It’s not considered antisemitism. It’s a festivity. Kids start collecting objects for this holiday six months in advance. So, protect your home. Sentence: ‘Where are the cabinets? It was just here yesterday.’ Sentence 2: ‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’ Sentence 3: ‘Please put grandpa back.’ b) Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai died on this day. Therefore, kids traditionally shoot an arrow, to add to the danger of the uncontained fires.

Ima- a) A person who does everything for you. These people clean, wash your clothes, cook, listen to your complaints. Then, you get married and complain about them visiting. See Shviger for how you offensively refer to people who love you. b) The lyrics to every Mizrachi song. Full Lyrics to Mizrachi Song: “Ima. Ani Ohev Otach. Ima.”
 
Shavuis- a) A holiday people celebrate by staying up all night to learn, in commemoration of the receiving of the Torah. Sentence: ‘Mom. Shavuis is my least favorite holiday. I thought holidays meant we had off from school. Now we have classes. How is that a holiday?! I don’t like celebrating classes.’ Follow-up Sentence: ‘Why do we always celebrate stuff I hate?! The eighth-grade graduation. I hated grade school.’ b) The holiday of dairy. The Chag responsible for Blintzes, cheesecake and acid reflux.

Bachur- A young lad or anybody that’s not married. Sentence: ‘We are so proud of him. The Bachur is only 83.’ Another Sentence: ‘I am 45 years of age. Why am I sitting at the kid’s table?’ Sentence of Anger: 'My nephew just got married, so he's a nineteen-year-old man and I'm a forty-eight-year-old little child.'

Badatz- Another kosher endorsement for Israeli food, and something else to bring up the cost of Bamba. Sentence: ‘Can I trust one rabbi and save money on the peanut butter puffs?’ Alternative Sentence: ‘There are a lot of Hebrew words there. Does that mean it’s a legit Hashgacha (supervision)? The Kosher symbol has a lot of rabbis’ names. No logo. Just Hebrew. Does that make it Kosher? Does Hebrew with ovals and circles make things Kosher?’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that the idea of Shavuis is celebrated to cause him an upset stomach. His understanding of Jewish law makes our practice of Mitzvot more meaningful.

Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
​
Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.

Here is a high school story about a fight with Jews on Lag BOmer. A little feel-good story about Jews fighting to get your mind off Jews getting attacked.
​
Fights Start at Friendly's
The story begins Saturday night, spring of 1993, Rochester, New York. Town of Brighton. The year of me in high school. That's what happened that year. And gel and mousse. Dep was still big. I was in Yeshiva at the time. There were no girls, so we fought a lot.
We were at Friendly's. The Kosher restaurant that wasn't Kosher. The Jewish kids were out enjoying Friendly's ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, sprinkles, rainbow and chocolate, a cocktail cherry on top. That's how bad the ice cream was. You ordered it and made sure they added everything. Tried to make it taste like Carvel. And you would get a banana in there for health reasons.

The Jewish kids consisted of Yeshiva guys from Brooklyn and some of our buddies that went to Brighton High School. The public school for the rich kids. Those were our wealthier friends that I grew up with. Their parents had a lot of money, so they sent their kids to public school. The parents who had no money paid for private school. It’s a Mitzvah somewhere in the Talmud to give all your money to the Yeshiva.
And then there were other high school kids. When other high school kids show up somewhere, there is a problem. They other kids also went to Brighton.
These other kids were eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Not Kosher. Goyim. I could already feel the tension. Why they weren't at Perkins, to this day, I can't tell you. They just wanted to cause problems. That's the only justification for not going to Perkins. 

Our friend in Brighton, Mike, gets called to the parking lot for a fight. Something must’ve happened in Brighton that week. Maybe they had classes.
We all head to the parking lot, thinking, "That's a good idea. I finished my ice cream."  I'm saying, "Maybe we shouldn’t watch Mike fight in the family establishment." They're all saying, "It's outside. And we ate the fudge already."
WCW Saturday Night at Friendly's. A parking lot match. Sounded cool. We were all into wrestling. If we had phones, we would've been filming it. We would've filmed it just in case somebody got hurt real bad, and we could have something to post.

Mike and this other kid start fighting. I'm like, "I feel like I'm living The Outsiders. I will not get involved." And like The Outsiders, we greased up our hair. We used gel. And then covered it up with our Yarmulkes. It was the early '90s. You wanted your hair to be firm under the Kippah.
Mike takes the Jew hater in a figure-four leglock. Mike is winning the fight. I was proud of Mike. All those years watching the World Championship Wrestling paid off. And Jews think Krav Maga is an excellent form of self-defense. I can tell you, they don't teach you the Tombstone Piledriver at Krav Maga.

We called the kid a Jew hater, because that's what people who take up booths on Saturday night at Friendly's are. Jew haters.
Jew hater's friends get into their cars, start driving their cars mid-fight. And the match iss stopped. Hulk Hogan never fought against a car.
 
Mike won that match. But it wasn't over. Mike's hair got messed up. Things were serious. And somebody called the police. If there is a reason to hate the cops, it's because they stop fights.

Fights Don't End at Friendly's
​Fight isn’t over. Apparently, the guy called Mike a Jew that week in school. And you don’t call a Jew a Jew.
Mike and the Jew hater both had cars, so neither of them was scared to continue the fight. Everybody at Brighton had to take sides. I believe the head of school was with the Jew haters.
So a fight is planned. 

Mike and our Brighton friends want the Yeshiva guys in the fight. The Yeshiva guys are from Brooklyn and everybody saw Goodfellas. They all know, it's not how you fight, it's how you talk. And they were scary. “What’d he say?!” You hear that from 5’2” Yankel, you're running. Yankel breeds fear. 
The Yeshiva guys joined because they felt it was important to be in a fight. They heard there was a fight. Somehow, that’s a Mitzvah. It's a Mitzvah to pay for Yeshiva and to fight. That and our math teacher said you have to stick up for your religion. And our math teacher was twenty-four. So, we listened to him.

The Battle
It's Lag BOmer. The Yeshiva celebrates with a baseball game. We're playing softball with the rabbis. Next thing I know, Brighton is at our Yeshiva game. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bystander who somehow knows a lot of idiots.
The public school planned to show up to our game at the park, to fight. Brilliance. Show up to the Yeshiva softball game for a brawl with the rebbes.

Now there are girls at our Yeshiva Lag BOmer party, not dressed properly. Not one of them had a black hat. Not even a white shirt and slacks. How they were going to play baseball, I have no idea.
Between us, after the fight, I petitioned to have girls in our Yeshiva.

My other good friend from Brighton, Nachum, roles up with a trunk full of bats. Fifty bats. Over the week and a half, he joined the Jewish Mob. He saw Goodfellas too.
Maybe he was planning a circus act. Maybe he was planning on handing a few bats to the other side. Just in case they forgot to bring their bats. Maybe he was worried the Yeshiva guys didn't have enough bats for the softball game. Was it for the Lag BOmer bonfire. I’ve seen kids in Israel burning closets and couches. You can buy bats and burn those. Anything to not expend energy to cut wood. All I know is that he had fifty bats in his trunk.
The rest of us had been watching wrestling. We were ready. We didn't need bats. We were going to body slam our opponents.

On the other side, I see Allison. "What is Allison doing rooting for the other side? We go to the JCC together." Turns out it was Jews on the other side. The anti-Semites were Jews. And they don't even go to shul. Why would you hate Jews if you don’t have to see them at shul.

The rabbis are there. For some reason, the rabbis don't think the fight is a good idea. The rabbis are older than twenty-four. Which is why we didn't listen them.
Our Minahel, head of the Beit Midrash, tells us we shouldn't fight. "The only thing that comes out of fighting is broken arms." He didn’t know about the figure-four leglock. 
Our Musar rabbi, who teaches morality, pulls the Jew hater kid aside, thinking, “Nachum has fifty bats in his trunk. Now is a good time to teach.” He asks the Jew hater, “Why do you hates Jews.” Fitting question for a Jew hater.Jew hater says, “I don’t hate Jews. I hate Mike.” And we’re all like, “Everybody hates Mike.”

Postscript
Why Mike is representing Judaism still baffles me to this day. But I can tell you. He is a Jew.
And that is what happened. Absolutely nothing. Until we got home and got in trouble. And just like in The Outsiders, we all got grounded.

Nachum is now a landlord who works in low income housing units. He carries a gun, and fifty bats in his trunk.
Mike still uses Dep. I think Dep was the real reason for the fight.
To this day, Mike is the reason for antisemitism.

Lessons Learned
Jews hate Mike.
Rabbis will ruin a good fight. 
​Don't eat at Friendly's unless if you're ready to fight.​
It was on through the flames of that Lag BOmer bonfire, I learned that nothing exciting will ever happen in my neighborhood.

​​ Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about complaining about community towels and the fact he never throws out a can, all while complaining that 90% off is not enough, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself not being able to figure out how to get out of a pizza shop in Meah Shearim.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

This Yom HaAtzmaut, I want to help. Israel Independence Day is coming and many Olim have no idea how to sell their Aliyah story, and to look good telling it. I’ve heard your stories. They’re bad. All you have is Nefesh BNefesh to blame. They didn’t educate you on the retelling of your Aliyah. There is no Haggadah for your move to the Holy Land.
Moving to Israel is a beautiful thing. A Mitzvah. You should be proud and honored to be with our nation. But there are critics out there. People who make a decent living, known as Americans. And they will test you.

Aliyah Is About Moving to Israel
We must be clear about this. We're talking about Israel. The Holy Land. The land of our people. Not Florida. Though Florida is the desired homeland that Gd chose for our people, nobody asks why people moved to Florida. Nobody is asking for an inspirational story about their gated community and how they saved on taxes. Nobody needs to know why they moved for safety, or the spiritual essence of walking through a golf course to shul.
Everybody understands why a Jew moves to Florida. You moved to Israel. Jews can't explain that. Boca Raton is reasonable. Why a Jew would move to Jerusalem, that you have to explain. 

What People Don't Want to Hear
Your story. Nobody wants to hear your story.
“I moved to Israel to be with my nation.” Who says that?! Nobody cares. "Peoplehood"?! Blah Blah Blah. Boohoo. You've lost your audience. How much does that pay. That's what people want to know. How much do they pay for living in the Jewish homeland.
Your story is pathetic. “Living in the land of our ancestors.” Nobody respects that. "The shekel is doing good." Now that's a reason. 
You've got to sound interesting. Pitch your Aliyah right. Spice it up. And never tell an American you thought it was a good idea. Since when is being with your people a good idea. Ever been to shul?! You say stuff like this at the Shabbat table, you will have no friends.

My Real Story- What Not To Tell
People used to hate me. Why? Because I told my Aliyah story. I would say stuff like, ​"I moved because it's a Mitzvah to live in Israel." They hear that, they think I'm a heretic. A Jew who doesn't believe in the Torah. If you want to live somewhere to do Mitzvahs, you move to Monsey. Teaneck. Kiriyas Yoel.
"Kodak closed. I wanted to get out of Rochester before they started blaming that on the Jews." I tell people that, they're asking me if Rochester is in Europe.
Nothing inspirational about my story. And that is why I don't tell my story.
Every Oleh has a story that didn't happen to them. You have to find yours. Your Aliyah story of inspiration and lack of employment. 
And do not use the "Mamdani became mayor" or "Obama and Biden were in office" Aliyah. Too many people have that story already. You want to be unique.
 
The Story of Connection Technique
This is how I talk about Aliyah now. "I made Aliyah of necessity to be awake, to be aware, to be of the people who need life to hit them in the face. Life is not always easy in Israel, but I am of the Olim, I made that change. I am of the Olim who did not want to leave my family. I am of the Olim whose heart yearns for connection to America. Yet, my soul yearns for a connection to my people. Growing up in Uganda, in an upper middle class family, I felt that connection. Of the nation of Israel. I came to settle the land, as in the Bible. I come to build the Homeland. A Chalutz. A pioneer of the year 2003. I am of the Olim who is part of a nation. I am of the tribe of Aliyah."
Strong ending to that Aliyah story. Beautifully self-righteous and vague. In other words, poetry. That's how experienced Olim speak. "Of the." How many times did I use "of the"? No idea. Employ it. "Of the" is inspired.
You see what I did?! You have to be the story of the Jewish people. Biblical. Do not be the story of yourself. Use the word "Bible." Bible works better than saying Torah. It's more inspiring. You inspire people like that. Now, they're coming to you for spiritual advice, and that's how you make money in Jerusalem.
They asked why I moved to Israel. I gave no answer. I diatribed about Jewish people. Somehow, I became a Chalutz. A pioneer who made the trek to Israel on EL AL flight LY26 from Newark. With an aisle seat.
"Uganda" in there. Brilliance. I've never been to Uganda. Now, I'm interesting.
If you're not as poetic as me, you need to go metaphysical. Add in something about your connection to Gd. Something about how Gd spoke to you.
 
Rabbi Yosef Karo - The Voice From Heaven Method
So brilliant. A Bat Kol, "a voice from heaven," told him to move to Israel. And that's why people respect Rabbi Karo.​ He was learning Shavuot night, and a voice came to him and Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz, telling them to move to Israel. 
The voice wasn't a disgruntled congregant who wanted them out. Many rabbis have members telling them to get out. That story goes, "Your Torah isn't wanted here. Your sermons are too long. Go someplace they appreciate Gd. Like Israel."
Use Rabbi Yosef Karo's story. You tell them you moved to Israel because a voice from heaven told you, they'll believe you. Your family already thinks you're crazy. You move to Tzfat, like Rabbi Karo, they believe you more. You tell them you heard a voice in Tzfat, they're not asking questions. You moved to Tzfat.
The first time people asked him, Rabbi Karo said it was a Mitzvah. He got no response. After a good hundred or so people, he polished his Aliyah story. He worked in the Bat Kol. He honed his craft.

Package Your Story
Your story must be packaged around Gd, settlement, original pioneer, near-death, and Uganda.
You want your American friends to know you’re part of the country. A Chalutz. A pioneer who has fully integrated into Israeli society. Conviction. You're an Israeli who has fully embraced the culture and can't speak Hebrew. Whose job is still in America. Because you're Israeli, and Israelis work in America. An original pioneer of our people, of the year 2026, with a dental practice in America. You pay people to dig.
Let them know you’ve done the army. Sounds good. You wanted to do the army. That's good enough. Throw in a real spiritual, life-changing story, about almost death and how you were saved, and then you saw Gd and you got a raise. Spiritual.
Wait. Package it with a Bal Teshuva story. Say you were returning in penitence. You mix that story of seeing the Jewish light with moving to Tzfat, you’re gold.
The more self-righteous the story, the more people respect you. As such, it is very important to close the eyes when telling your Aliyah story. Right now, I'm typing with my eyes closed, for you.
 
Lessons
Make sure you have a good spiritual story and you tell it with your eyes closed. Chicks dig it. And people think you're closer to Gd when you can't see. And strum a guitar while you're telling your story. That adds effect.
The less sense it makes, the more spiritual it is. Don't forget to say "of the." Nobody knows what that means.
Always use the "voice from heaven" line. Maybe throw in an "Elijah the Prophet" approached you on Birthright segment. Eliyahu the Prophet adds dimension layer to the Chalutz story. Makes it more Biblical. It takes your Aliyah to the next level. Even Rav Yosef Karo didn't use the Elijah thing.
You're from New York, Los Angeles, Singapore. I don't care. Tell people you're from Uganda. Employ "Uganda," that's all you have to say. That's your story. "Why did you make Aliyah?" "Uganda." "We get it."

Now you know what to say when they invite you for Shabbat dinner. Don't be a party pooper and kill the environment with your story. Say you’re a pioneer with a near-death experience, who heard a voice from heaven in Uganda. And people will love you. You'll have friends.
Or just say you thought you were moving to Miami.

I hope this was educational. 
Much respect. Kol Hakavod on your Aliyah.

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about safety signs at work and big jars of gefilte fish, all while using a Mezuzah as an excuse for him eating cookies and putting on weight, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of himself holding the chocolate Hamentashen he gave out on Purim, which were well past expiration date.

Spent six-thousand dollars on food so far. Now I need to pick up cleaning products and dishware. Forgot about that. I was assuming that dishware came with the three-hundred-dollar brisket.
Here is my list of stuff I will need to get to ensure the home is Pesahdik. With notes I took down, to keep me focused on the goal of worrying more. Again. I didn't think of the dishes. Nor did I think I would have to clean.
Before going on, throw out everything and get a new carpet. And make sure I sold all the Chametz, so I don't have to clean.
Remember to clean more.
 
Cleaning Products
You need to get cleaning stuff for the kids to clean. They teach that it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach. Which is why you send the kids to Jewish day school.
Going to a hotel, you still need to clean. So, buy the cleaning stuff. The hotel housekeeping cleaned the room for you. Which means you have to clean.

Every cleaning shpritz. Buy it Tile cleaner shpritz. Stove cleaner shpritz. Stove and tile cleaner shpritz. Everything cleaner shpritz that doesn't clean everything. Wood cleaner shpritz. Wood might have Chametz and it truly gets the tree to look shinier. Get the shpritz with the picture of the lemons. I like clean lemons.
Window cleaner shpritz. Just in case Chametz was spread on the windows by a chipmunk. Maybe it hibernated in the screen. Acorns are probably legumes.
Potpourri. I'm not sure. Might be Chametz. Now I have to throw that out. Remember to buy potpourri after Pesach, if I have funds.

Vacuum. A Kosher for Pesach one.
Dustbuster. Just in case the vacuum doesn't work. Or I might want to save energy by bending and going down on the floor to clean.
Brooms. Mop. Swiffer. I need a Swiffer to do what the broom, mop and vacuum do. There is a Swiffer, I need it. I washed the floor. I have to Swiff it. It's a cleaning product, and thus I must use it on Pesach. Swiffing is another fence around Chametz.

That's nine-hundred-dollars in cleaning products. And be sure to log a hundred-twenty hours in the cleaning of the living room. After I've quit my job, I can figure out the rest of the necessary cleaning.

Blowtorch. I will need a blowtorch to blow up the home, to make sure it's Pesahdik. Oven cleaner shpritz should work to remove some grease from the oven. Can't fully trust it. Though, it took off part of my finger last year. So, it is legitimate. Blowtorch the place.

Toothpaste. New tube.
Toothbrush. I have one. Buy more.
Baby wipes. That's what people use nowadays. After two days of Matzah, I will need to start using baby wipes. Got to keep clean on the Chag. 
Soap. Kosher for Pesach is better, just in case you get hungry.
Detergent. Again. Hashgachas are better. Alpine flavored Tide is not Kosher for Pesach. So don't eat that.
Kids might do the laundry, if you can convince them that cotton is a legume.
Make sure everything I buy is expensive. Cleaning products should be Kosher for Pesach, just in case I plan to eat the oven cleaner.

Bristle stuff. Anything with bristles. 
Sponges. Can't use them on the holiday, but I should buy them. Good to have them. 
Brushes. Brushes that work as sponges. Wait. those not sponge sponges. Whoever figured that out is amazing. Shabbat breeds invention.
 
Feather and spoon. That’s how you clean for Pesach. I need to get the feather and spoon. Forget all the sprays and vacuum stuff. And make sure the feather has a candle. Without a candle how are you supposed to see in a house. Buy the packet to be sure it’s Kosher for Pesach before I burn it. Blowtorch the feather and spoon.

Extra Notes
Forgot mayonnaise. Shoot. The horseradish is going to hurt.
Get Kosher for Pesach lettuce. Don’t get the nonKosher for Pesach one. Never buy Bodek again. I’m not that well to do.
And parsley. Need parsley. I wrote “every vegetable” on my list. But I don’t know if parsley falls into that.
Chocolate covered almonds. Do not forget those. The cake will not be very good. I will need to eat a lot of chocolate covered almonds. Why do I not eat chocolate covered almonds during the year? That is a good question. I'll ask that at the Seder.
 
Maxwell House Haggadah because that’s tradition. Do not buy Maxwell House coffee.

There is a lot more that was left out. I should be at around eight-thousand dollars right now.
After you pull your kids from Jewish day school, you should have enough to purchase the rest of what you need on your Pesach list. Like more tinfoil. 
Don't pull your kids out of school until they learned it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach.
 
Anything with Kosher of Pesach on it or a "P," buy it.
And make a trip to New York to pick up more stuff. It's Pesach. Gas prices are not the issue with the cost of Pesach food. I can't blame Iran for what Gefen and Manischewitz are charging for macaroons. 
New York will have something I didn't think was Kosher for Pesach, like tape. Buy it. It's Kosher for Pesach.

Buy another Blumenkrantz guide. And make sure to look at the OU and Star-K's guides to make it harder for myself. So, I can feel more religious. 
And clean more. I feel very religious when I'm burnt out. When I haven't slept.
And make sure I have enough tinfoil and tins. I don't think ShopRite has enough in stock.

Forgot the dishware. Shoot. I'm out of funds. I will get that stuff next year. And don't dust anything next year. Leave the dust. I've been sneezing for a month.

Note for after Pesach:
Make sure to buy back your Chametz and house at a loss.

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off. 

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Hatzalah cars that are made smaller so that people can save more lives and people trying to Daven at the Kotel, all while trying to push through crosswalk reform in Israel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of kids smoking a cigarette, trying to take down the institution of Chinuch (proper Jewish education).

Thank you David for spreading Torah and the idea of children smoking as something positive. Too many people judge that kind of thing.

This is the Jews in sports issue and thank Gd there are no swimsuits. No Jews in swimsuits issue. Nobody needs to see that.
Here is what we saw the past couple months in sports and at the Olympics.

The Deni Avdija Saga
Deni Avdija is now hated because he's good at basketball. Who didn't see this coming?!
So much social media hatred, because he’s good at a sport. This would never happen to anybody other than a Jew. "He's averaging twenty-eight points a game. I hate Syria!!!" And of course they’re saying, "Now the Jews are running the world and basketball!" And they're right. The NBA commissioner is Jewish. We have to agree with the Jew haters here.

Let's go off on the Israeli NBA star and his bad decisions. Like a fool, Deni suggested people not share strong opinions if they don't know anything about a topic. Not very American. Then he went on to say that if you're not educated on a subject, you shouldn't talk about it. So now he's suggesting college graduates not have opinions. Only an aggressor would share such an opinion.
What kind of American is this guy?! And you wonder why people hate Jews.
And then Deni tells The Athletic, "I obviously stand for my country, because that's where I'm from..." What???! Is this guy just totally anti-American?! What kind of American supports their country?! Americans know better than to support their people.
And then he thinks that when you’re playing a game, it’s not a time for politics. You drive to the basket, you take a layup, you say, "I hate my country." That’s what normal NBA players do. Deni’s probably one of those haters who wouldn’t have kneeled during the national anthem.
And worst of all, Israelis are proud of Deni Avdija. And you wonder why so many people hate him.

Deni Avdija is the first Israeli athlete to ever make it to the NBA All-Star game and Spike Lee shows up to the game wearing a fishnet pattern Kaffiyeh and Palestinian flags. And it has nothing to do with Deni Avdija. As Spike Lee made clear, it was in support of Israel. Pure happenstance that he’s fully clad in Yasser Arafat. 
Spike Lee wrote, "I didn't know Deni as the first Israeli born All-Star. He can ball. Now I do know. Live and learn.” And what Spike Lee has learned is how to get away with stuff by lying. You say you had no idea, and it’s fine. It works. “I stabbed my husband. I didn’t realize he cheated on me.” When putting out an anti-Semitic film, Spike didn’t know that Jewish people run Hollywood when he said “Jewish people run Hollywood.” Maybe our last statement here is anti-Semitic. We take it back. We did not know. 
What Mr. Lee definitely did learn is how to steal lines from G.I. Joe. I’m guessing he also doesn’t know that “Now I Know” is Sergeant Slaughter’s line. And we just learned that Mr. Lee is not Chinese.
And he continued, "Nor was it intended as a comment on the significance of Deni being an All-Star.” He only wore it because Anthony Edwards is from Atlanta.
Turns out, Deni thinks Spike Lee should not have an opinion. Because Spike Lee is an idiot.
It turns out Spike Lee has made many inflammatory statements over the years. Every one of them against Jews. But he did not know they were against Jews when he made them against Jews.
As our contributor, Shlomo said, "Spike Lee was just trying to do the right thing." As Spike Lee was clear that he has "utmost belief in human dignity for all humankind." As such Spike will be wearing an Israeli flag to Gaza. He will walk down the streets of Gaza City to let everybody know that Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people. Thus, we will not be seeing Spike Lee at next year’s NBA All-Star game.
 
And the Olympics Saga
On February seventh burglars stole passports, suitcases, shoes, and thousands of dollars' worth of specialized equipment from Israel's bobsled team. It turns out the boycott divestment people truly do like Israeli products. And since then, a new form of divestment has begun, where you steal the Israeli products. Kind of like a divestment investment in Israeli products campaign.
This took place at their Olympic training camp in the Czech Republic. But they didn't let not having their clothes and other personal items keep them down. And the team continued training immediately after, which pissed off everybody else at the hotel. Making it hard for people to get to their rooms and sleep. The hotel manager had to stop this, saying, "Please take your sled back to the room, and find some clothes."
The Swiss announcer called AJ Edelman, the bobsledder, "a Zionist," which translates to "genocide backer" in French. It turns out AJ Edelman can’t even do simple bobsledding without being accused of killing Arabs. I believe the Swiss announcer missed this part. But I think we saw AJ using his sled to try to hit a Palestinian, who was standing at the end of the run.

At least the sports announcers don't let their lack of knowledge on a subject get in the way of their opinions.
I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that with a Swiss announcer blaming our Israeli team for Hamas. “And he took the guy to the mat. The same way he killed everybody in Gaza. Like a human shield. And he's now leaving the arena. Going back into his tunnel.”

People who were competing against Jews competed in this Olympics. In judo competitions, and past Olympics, athletes refused to fight Israelis. This being the only time Arabs and Islamic Republic of Iran have refused violence against Jews in recorded history.

Jack Hughes scores the overtime goal to give America the win in the Olympics hockey finals. Hughes has a Jewish mother and Christian father. We'll take it. He’s Jewish. Aerin Frankel, goalie for the US women's hockey team, brings home the gold with three shutouts. And this is why people hate Jews. Now Jews run hockey too.
Jews have finally found a sport they are good at. A sport that takes no running or jumping. And mind you, this is ice hockey. Not floor hockey. Which means none of these athletes are Frum. They might beat Canada, but they would lose to TABC Yeshiva.
Turns out that once the British team heard Aerin was Jewish, they stopped shooting on goal and started to try to hit her.

Upon taking the gold, Jack Hughes said he was proud to be an American. Not again. Another Deni Avdija.
As if being a proud American is not enough, Jack Hughes went off, “When you get the chance to go to White House and meet the president, we're proud to be Americans, and that's so patriotic…” Oh. No. This is where the antisemitism starts. He wants to see the president. I have no idea what school he went to, but this is a poorly raised child. This is why you have to separate children from their parents. 
He didn’t stop there. He keeps going, “No matter what your views are, we're super excited to go to the White House tomorrow and be a part of that." So unAmerican. And you wonder why people want Jews out of America. Not living in Israel. Living in… Not living anywhere. We went through the list of countries that want Jews.
If we've learned anything as a people, athletes should not represent their country. Especially in the Olympics.
 
More Sports That Were Left Out of the New York Times
Maccabi Tel Aviv football fans aren’t allowed at Maccabi games in Birmingham, UK. Israeli teams are allowed to play, but they're not allowed to have their fans. They’re allowed to have the other teams’ fans. And sometimes the fans for the other teams do cheer for Israel. We did catch a few chants with Israel in it. One went, “Down with Israel.” And there was one that went, “Israel go to hell.”
Maccabi fans are allowed to show up at Manchester United games. They’re allowed to go to England to root for the other teams. To quote one Maccabi fan, “It felt very Zionistic rooting for Leeds.”
It comes down to safety. It turns out soccer is a very dangerous sport because of Jews. Jews getting attacked by mobs is extremely dangerous to onlookers. When chasing Jews with bats and knives, it has happened that innocent bystanders were hit by a chair that fell. And that can’t happen.

The boxing champion, Floyd Mayweather, shows to the Republican Coalition for Israel and says, "I will always stand behind the country of Israel." That's all it took. The man has Jewish fans for life. Apparently, he’s against the massacre of Jews. Not a popular stance. We love him.
As he said, "I will always be the voice for the people in Israel." And he now is. He doesn't speak Hebrew. But we don't care. The man is our voice.
Greatest speaker ever. Two sentences, he’s representing us in the UN. And I believe the UN will be a more exciting place with boxing promoters. Get some fights going in that place. Some real fights. I’ve seen the look on those people’s faces. Don King should be on that. Getting Pakistan into it.

Lebron James, a supporter of Deni Avdija, said he hopes to visit Israel. Which is a beautiful thing. He's just waiting to be able to scrape together the cash to be able to make the trip. 
And that is how expensive EL AL is.

Great Jews in Sports was published in 1983. A new edition has not been put out since. The last great Jewish athlete is Hank Greenberg.
As we have seen, a lot of great Jewish athletes are now starting to shine. With all the intermarriage, we might need to put out another volume soon.
 
That was a lot. If we’ve learned anything the past few months, B”H, it turns out they hate Jews in sports too.

Here is what I saw the past few months in the news.

For anybody who missed it. Antisemitism still exists.
Guy rams into 770 with his car. Some people are willing to do go way too far to get their dollar.

Israel laser missile defense program is shunned by the world. It makes it not fair when they shoot rockets at Israel. ​To quote, "People shoot missiles at Israel. Missiles cost a lot. It's a waste when they don't hit... And this is why we hate Jews." Turns out the world is very mad about this idea of Jews being safe. As are Spike Lee and Tyler Oliveira.

New electric water drip system in Israel is working. Baruch H'. No idea what it is. But it works. And it's good to know that. Happy we got that news. I will do what I can and not get involved.

Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, is now doing press conferences on subways. He's already bankrupt city hall to the point that he has no office.
The mayor said, "It's better to meet on the subway. There are less rats here."
The people in the cart for the press conference were not very happy. They were trying to figure out if they got on the wrong train. Middle of the news conference, the woman in the back got up and asked Mamdani if the train was going to stop at Times Square. To which Mamdani said, "No. It's too dangerous. And the garbage hasn't been picked up." I'm not positive that all happened. But I think it did.
I think he's the only New Yorker that feels safe on the subways. He's not Jewish.

Jews are still against Jews and Israel, as it is a Jewish value to hate Jews.

Universities in Europe want to boycott Israel, again. They still can't get it right. Turns out they're not very good at not buying Israeli products.

Nothing positive about Jews was in the news. Even China is spreading propaganda about Jews. Not very happy about it, the CCP is doing what they can to make up for thousands of years of not knowing that Jews messed up their lives too.

Israel breaks the ceasefire by getting shot at.
New Media Definition of the Week: Breaking a Ceasefire- When they shoot at you.

Britain has new laws which don't allow you to share thoughts. So, if you're from England, please do not read any of this. You will get arrested. 

Apartheid Free Zones have been created in Hackney, Bristol, Sheffield, and Brighton. Apartheid free means that Jews are not allowed. Many of our readers may not know this, but the definition of apartheid is the presence of Jews in your neighborhood. Apartheid free also means not buying anything from Israel, because Jews live there with Arabs.
To make the people of the neighborhood feel comfortable they went around and knocked on Jewish doors, to let Jews know they suck. They were quite polite about it. Some even rang the bell. "Top of the morning to you. And you suck. And you are killing people right now. Enjoy your tea. You Earl Grey genociders."
They wanted to give Jews speeches about how they suck, and how they shouldn't be allowed to live. And they figured the proper way to do this is with a neighborly Jew hunt. They took down addresses of people who think Jews have the right to live in a country with people who don't want to kill them. In order to fight genocide.
Going from door to door, asking people if they're Jewish was met with some criticism by locals who made it clear that you don't have to ask people if they're Jewish. "You can just see if they have a Mezuzah." As the protector of our people went on, "You can just mark down the homes that have the Mezuzahs on them."
In many of the Chasidik neighborhoods the Jew hunters received a lot of Tzedakah. To quote one Chasid, "I've never seen a Mishulach without a Kippah. Usually, they knock on my door and ask for money. These people had a very long pitch. I just gave them the Gelt. It's a Mitzvah."
American Jews were angered by this episode, claiming, "It also happens to us. My address was taken down by the Jewish Federation. They won't stop harassing me."

Jews are still being attacked. Wanted to make that clear.

Iranians are being massacred by the Ayatollah. Nobody cares. It's Israeli propaganda to care about the murder of Iranians. Let's move on.

Miss Universe had a Miss Palestine, Nadeen Ayoub. She won the Miss Palestine preliminaries unanimously against herself. The contest had no other contestants, because Palestine does not exist. But she won that.
Nadeen married the son of murderer and terrorist Marwan Barghouti. And she named her son after the terrorist. Not important. It’s tough to name kids. You don’t want to get your father-in-law mad.
 
Video shows snowstorm in Gaza. Now Israelis are creating snow to kill more Gazans.
According to many news syndicates, Gaza is now located in the Himalayas. And Israel is still attacking them there, with snow.

Back to Iran. Mark is on our staff and he seems to care. To quote Mark, who's American, "The killings in Iran. That ruined my day." Mark feels for the Iranian people and he was not able to enjoy his workout. Mark wants it to be known that he showed solidarity. Mark is American and his day was thrown off. He did his part for the cause. And we at the Kibbitzer are with Mark. If anybody wants to hang out later, Mark is hoping to hit a nightclub to show solidarity.
Most Americans are against saving Iranian lives. As has been stated, "They didn't attack police at their rallies in LA. And it is wrong to not attack police. Last time we saw this was at the proIsrael rally. Shame!"

News syndicates take back news about Israel again. They finally get the news right the fifth time around.

Ceasefire resumes. This is the most violent ceasefire I have ever seen.

Tucker Carlson made a trip to Israel for his first pilgrimage ever, to the Ben Gurion Airport. He wanted to witness where Jesus flew out of.
Tucker did not make it to Jerusalem or the Jordan River. Tucker wants to make it clear that Nazareth and Bethlehem are also not important to the real Christians. What is important to the real Christians is Saudi Arabia. To quote Tucker Carlson, "Everybody knows that."
I hope I am not misrepresenting Tucker Carlson. We all feel bad that he was abused with questions. Nobody should ever have to witness such things at an airport. We at the Kibbitzer are angered by the episode and insist Israeli security stop asking people who packed their bags.

Muslims pray in New York City. That scares people. Islamic prayer has people on edge.

Some say seventy thousand have been killed in Iran by the Ayatollah's recent massacres. Because it's not Israel, Google has the number at seven thousand.
​Trump said he has the back of the Iranian people in their fight against the regime. Which means he has done nothing.
My understanding of the conversation. "We have your back. Don't stop. We won't let them kill you." "Where is this guy?! They are stabbing me right now!!!" "Keep at it. Don't give in." "I'm at the hospital and they just shot my doctor." "Don't worry. Keep strong. We're right here."
The rest of the conversation was. "Where the hell is America. They kidnapped my family and just cut off my hand and raped it." "If Trump doesn't come next week I'm converting to Islam." And that is how you bring loyal people to your faith.

Death toll numbers in Gaza still show no combatants. It is now clear, Israel killed sixty-thousand journalists.

Next week we will have a special Jews in the News focusing on the Olympics, Jews in sports, and how they have caused antisemitism by competing.
Our full report on Mamdani’s snow removal will come in our spring issue, when the snow melts. We want to give him a chance to get rid of the snow.
Our chief editor, Rachel, said we should just write, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that. She also said we can add, "And he is asking Jews to shovel."

Dear Dave,
And now this just happened. I know I just sent a letter, but now this happened.

I made the mistake and went to the wedding. Relative got married. So, I drove back down to New York. 
It got out that I was driving seven hours. So, my cousin thought it's a good idea to ask me to pick up his family.

Let me repeat. I'm driving seven hours to this event. I get a, "Can you pick us up?!" Like I was driving seven hours because it was my turn for the carpool. 
So, now I'm driving another two hours to pick up family. We're now driving nine hours. How that makes sense? I don't know. It's how carpools work in my family. Truth is, I have never driven the family carpool before, because I don't live anywhere near them.
In his mind, me driving an extra two hours is nothing. Why? Because I'm single.
We got other cousins living down the street from him. I've got siblings right by him. Can't call them. "Your sister is going to come? It's a long drive for her." Fifteen minutes. That how long the drive is for my sister. "She has to drive fifteen minutes out of her way. That's no right. She shouldn’t have to come pick me up."
The whole time, I'm thinking, "Does he not know he's talking to me right now!!!" Did I hear that correctly?! Me driving the extra two hours, now driving nine hours. Me. I have to hear that fifteen minutes is too much????!!!! I'm driving seven hours, by myself. I don't think he caught that part.

So, I of course say "yes." And still no credit. Because my sister is married.
Like I said the other day, they get credit for not showing. Them not helping, they get credit for that. "Your sister doesn't have time. She has kids."
Why do they think married people are always busy? I know a lot of very irresponsible parents. And they are not busy watching over their children. And I know this, because I go to shul.
And by the way, single people have responsibilities. They have dogs. And you won't even let them bring the dog to the wedding. How Frum Jewish weddings never let you bring a plus one.

It's at this point that I've already listened to every podcast that exists about Trump going into Iran. And I have another five hours left. Silence. Nothing to listen to other than "Karma Chameleon" for five hours.
What got me going is my aunt then asked me to pick her up. That's another forty-five minutes out of the way. So, we're up to ten and a half hours of driving, just to get there. My sister is up to sixty-five minutes. Round trip.

I appreciate my sister and her time. I just thought that I had time too. Like time existed for me. Like I had stuff to do during this thing that married people call "time." 
I would love to get some of this time stuff.

In the meantime, I'm driving around to all the married people's homes, because it turns out married people don't have the ability to pick people up.
How carpools work when I'm not driving twenty hours, I have no idea. How kids make it to baseball practice, I have no idea.
I hope nobody brings up carpools as a topic of conversation at the wedding. I will end up having to drive down to the Bronx to pick up my cousin's in-law's child for little league.
I'm going to end up doing their chores. Watch. They're talking right now, "I can't run errands today. David has freetime. He's single. What's David doing in Upstate New York. Maybe we should reach out to David. Have him drive down and pick up the milk. He’s single."

If I bring up that a married person can help, they start going off on everything married people have ever done to help. I'm hearing, "Back in kindergarten, I helped John and Samantha trace the 'c.'"

Just be fair with who you ask for what. They have to stop expecting single people to do everything.
How do I tell my family I have a life? How do I tell them, “I have my own errands to run”?

Point is, I need somebody in my life so that I don't have to pick up family. 
I have to get married. Then I'll never have to help again... I just broke into musical. I took a break and wrote a musical dream sequence. I was inspired.
If I have a family, I'll never have to help family.

If you talk to my family, please let them know I do stuff. Here's a list of things I do: Basketball, learn Torah sometimes, take care of the house, worry about the house, vacation, date, entertainment, watch a series, worry, watch another series, worry about what series I'm going to watch next, forget I had a date, go to shul when I wake up on time, work out, get more sleep, watch a few movies, go over my baseball cards because I had a hobby that I spent a lot of money on forty years ago.
Don't tell the girls I collect cards. Tell them I lift. That sounds cool. And don't tell them I help people. They hear I'm single and I help, we go on a date, they're going to ask me to pick them up.

Problem is when they hear I'm going to the Simcha. Somehow, the people who are celebrating let everybody know, "David can pick you up." They're about to get married and they make it a point to screw me over.
That's it. I'm never telling family I'm coming. I shall never RSVP again.

Is my understanding of what they expect from single people correct? Do married people ever get asked to do favors?
I'm just happy they didn't ask me to help the caterer. Nobody asked me to pick up the wedding cake on my way.

Got to run. My single friend at work just asked me to take over his shift. He said, "It wouldn't be right to ask the other guys to help, they're married and they have responsibilities."

LSimchas,
​David

Dear Dave,
Why is nothing I do as a single person appreciated? A person of single origin.

I showed up to the Bris. I was there. That's all I have to say. Somebody has to tell my family that.
They didn't forget anybody else. Just me. All married people were noticed. I know this, because my nephew went over the list of people who showed up to watch the circumcision. He named them all. "Shimi, Baruch and their families even came. And... But I don't remember you being at the Bris. And you're single. And you have nothing else to do." 
By the way, as an old single man, I can't announce, "I'm here to watch the circumcision." That's one of the things I've learned over many years of being single. Maybe it's better I wasn't on that list. As a single man, it's better for me to sign my name at a funeral than a Bris.

I went to the Bris. I was there. I feel like I have to prove it to you too. I'm sorry I didn't take pictures. If you want pictures, my cousin was loving the whole thing. She has a whole Bris album.
I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures and putting together a special Bris album. Is it fine to have dedicated Bris pictures? I don't know. I feel like there's a reason most people stick to wedding albums.

That was an eight-hour drive to Long Island. I got nothing. Not even a thank you. People drove in from Brooklyn, they got an announcement. “The family that went out of their way, on their trip to Queens…” That's what married people get. Credit for stopping by for breakfast.
No credit. I need a family, just to be remembered. To get some credit.

Even if they do remember, it's because I have free time. "He had free time. So, he drove eight hours. That's what single people do, because they have free afternoons." Like I have nothing going on. Like there isn't a new series I want to watch?!!! 

​Why do I want some credit? To feel like a person. I'm not even asking for married person credit. I'm just asking for some credit. Something. Maybe, "We want to thank the guy in the back without friends who came because he had nothing to do."

Nothing other than kids takes time. You can’t do anything good as a single. Anything good they start with, “He has free time. I would've dedicated twelve years to saving children in Sudan too. I just have a family.” No matter how much you help. “The reason your uncle came to the circumcision. He’s a failure.”
No idea why I showed up to the Bar Mitzvah either. No family points, and I'm now a creep, because they invited me. I have to stop showing up to Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions.
Funerals. I have to show to funerals. At least I won't feel bad if the Baal Simcha doesn't give me credit.

Response to me showing to a family party, driving by myself, no sleep, missing work. “He’s single. He’s a yutz.” “It’s free time. Married people don't have that.” “He visits sick people because he’s lonely.” “He goes to nursing homes because he's hoping to meet somebody.” “He’s here because he has no job.” “He came for the free food.” I traveled through the night for the falafel party. I drove by myself, lost work with no second income in the house, because I like the garbanzos. By the time that trip was over, the expense was six-hundred-eighty-dollars. But I got a free pita. I am still trying to figure out why they had an Israeli themed Bris, naming the kid "Yankel."
The Chutzpah of it. They don't think I work, and not one of them offers to pay for my gas.
 
Married people don’t show, they get credit for that. “They have so much going on with their kids. They couldn’t come. Their hearts are here.” Do you know how much credit my siblings get for their hearts showing up to events?!
“David has no heart… Because he has no kids.”

Am I paranoid? No. They see me as a yutz with no future prospects. 
They can at least help. There is no reason they can't go around at the Bris and ask if anybody is in the process of getting a divorce.

I need to have kids just to get credit. I could stay home and get more credit and family points for sleeping. "David needs sleep. He couldn't come. You should be more like him and sleep through family events."
When you’re not there, they think you have something going on. Next time, I shall stay home. People will think I’m accomplishing stuff. My nephew might even think I was there. My absence is more present than my presence. Think about that for a moment. That's quite spiritual, Dave.
 
That’s enough for today. It’s good to get it out.

Point is that nothing you do will ever be appreciated. You can do Mitzvahs. They don't care.  Visit the sick, they think you’re hitting on them while they have pnemonia. Other than that. “The guy doesn’t even work.”
Point is it's not worth it to do Chesed. Don't help people. Helping people makes you look like you have nothing going on in your life. Hell. I am going to stop giving charity.
You want to be loved, don’t help and don’t do anything for anybody else. They will appreciate you more for that.
When you and your wife visit the sick or show to family Simchas, parties, do you guys get credit?

My advice to any single person. Don't show to family events.
If you do show up, just pop in and say, "I'm only running in to say Mazel Tov." You show up to an event to run out, that's a something. Everybody remembers that. "He came to not be here. That's our successful relative." "What does he do?" "No idea. He never has time to stay. An overachiever. Very proud of him."
You get credit for not being there.

Your advice is appreciated. Should I just stay home? Get people thinking something is going on in my life?
​If you could, please remind my nephew and his parents that I showed to his son's Bris. Also, please remind him I had a conversation with him about me being there.
Next circumcision I go to, I'm taking a lot of selfies. Bris album on my wall. 

LSimchas,
David

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Chabad spreading Mitzvahs like Tefillin, community give food to the needy, all while not being sure if all the graves on the highway in Tiveria are of Tzadikim, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him wishing he had his nephew's toy car.

And we want to thank David for his extremely long captions. To quote David, "A picture is only a thousand words if you write them."

These questions were asked at my Seder last night from first time Tu BShvat Seder attendees who were confused it wasn't a Pesach. 
We had a lot of questions at our Tu BShvat Seder. People heard Seder and they thought they’re supposed to interrupt. Here are some of the questions they asked at our Tu BShvat Seder when I was trying to move past the dried apricots portion. We had already connected to Gd through Mishmish.

What happened to only having one Seder?
Why did the Jews leaving Egypt only have one Seder, until the Kabbalists came along?
Isn’t the Pesach Seder long enough?
Did Gd split a date tree too?
We live in Rochester. Is there another Seder tomorrow night too?
Why do we only tell the date joke this night?
Why do people repeat the date joke about getting dates more than once on this night, when on all other nights date puns are annoying?
Why are dates hurting my stomach?
Why are we using plastic dishes and plastic cups for our Seder?
How does plastic dishes on a plastic tablecloth celebrate trees?
Is there anything that is not plastic here to celebrate the earth?
Where does plastic grow?
Why are children not asking questions?
Why have four questions just come from a twenty-eight-year-old? Does she not know where plastic grows?
Where are the kids?
Why didn’t anybody tell me that Seders are not just for Pesach? I was wondering why we’re celebrating so early.
Should I get my Haggadah? If I would've known, I would've brought my Haggadah.
Why do you think I spent twelve hours cleaning for Tu BShvat?
Why did I make my house Kosher for Tu BShvat and throw out all my meat and dairy products if I didn’t have to?
Why didn’t you tell me there was no commandment to burn all non-vegetarian food?
If it’s a Jewish holiday, shouldn’t we at least have Tam Tams?
Were we slaves to dried fruit?
Did the Jews in Egypt also get stomach cramps from dried apricots?
Thank you for leaving the four cups of wine in. Is wine what makes it a Seder?
​Why is it on this night that we have a Seder with no brisket?
And where are the Tam Tams? I miss those things on Pesach. 
Why do Tam Tams look like Matzah, but they're not Matzah?
Why is wine the only part of the Seder that is similar to the Passover Seder?
Was this Seder an excuse to drink?
Is that why the Arizal came up with this Seder?
Why did he not just drink and call it a Farbregen? That sounds like a religious thing.
Then why are we drinking four cups of wine? 
If this is Pesach, we're eating too many legumes?
Is this Pesach? I'm still confused.
We didn't do the apricot portion of the Seder last Pesach. Did we still fulfill the telling of the story of leaving Egypt?
Why on this night is the salt not in water?
Why on this night are all nuts not salted?
What happened to salted almonds and cashews?
Why do I like salted nuts?
Why did you not serve those?
Why do almonds not taste that great without salt?
What is a Mishmish?
I'm very confused already. Why do I have to learn Hebrew names of vegetation now?
Why did nobody answer any of my questions get answered?

That last question didn't get answered either. They also didn't explain that this isn't a Pesach Seder, and we don't encourage questions when we're focused on eating dried figs.

Here are some of my one-liners from the classic "Aliyah Monologues" show.

Aliyah - Moving to Israel
Aliyah isn't for Americans. Aliyah is for people from third world countries and France.
I made Aliyah. I figured, I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I can move to South Florida and live with Israelis.
Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. (At least the Zionist ones.)
I was in Rochester and Kodak was closing. I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. (I know my history.)

Living in Israel
I went to Ulpan six months. I learned Hufal. (Exactly. I've never heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hufal. If you were Israeli, you would be on the floor, laughing right now. Hufaltem.)
I finally learned what Nahag means. I used to think Nahag was something you're supposed to scream when a door closes on you. (It's the guy who closes it on you. You have to know Hebrew to understand these English one-liners.)
In Tel Aviv, the guy was bragging, "Tel Aviv is New York." I told him, "New York is very different. I was in New York, and I was able to find Kosher food." (I also let him know that I didn't have to tell the people in New York that underwear is not a swimsuit. Then he started showing me the skyscrapers. "Look. Five stories.")
Can't get into the post office. Everything's a holiday. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi'i. (My friend might fed me that joke. Let me explain. "They have Israeli Independence Day. Jerusalem Day. Wednesday." Wednesday is not a holiday, but they celebrate it. They also don't work on Wednesdays.)
I saw a dead dog on the side of the road. I was thinking, "It's such a shame that's not a cat."

Religion Everywhere
Jerusalem even has the Biblical zoo with all the Biblical animals like penguins.
In Jerusalem we are very religious. We have the belief that everything is in the hands of Gd. People who don't believe that, work. (They have jobs. We have belief in Gd. Emunah. Sarcasm.)
In Meah Shearim. The way they cross the street, you can see they have a lot of Emunah. (That’s faith in Gd.)

Single and Religious
Segulot, positive omens. They go to the Kotel for forty days straight. That's how they're going to meet their husband. I have a better idea. Try going to the gym for forty days straight. (And I am still single. I should've never told that joke. Some things are better kept to yourself.)
They go up north for the Segulah to meet somebody, to the Kever of Yonatan Ben Uziel. Walk around his grave seven times. The guy is dead and he's doing better than me. (When you have to explain, one-liners take longer.)
These Frum girls. When they go out with me, everytime, "I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys. Starting now." (They want it to be meaningful. Then they tell me about all the other guys they had meaningless relationships with, which were fun.)

War
I respect the soldiers. All doing the army. What they do for a free bus pass. (I just lie about my age. In some of these communities, you can pass for twelve with a beard.)
As an Oleh, an immigrant to Israel, I ran into an Israeli when I was visiting America. I asked him, "If there was a war in Israel, what would you do?" He said, "I would go right back to my homeland to be with my people." I told him, "If there was a war in Israel, I like to think I would do the same exact thing." (Sometimes you have to extend a one-liner for the meaning.)
The way our people came together after October 7th. I have never seen a whole nation come together as our people did, to complain about the cost of ELAL. (Flights are too expensive. Price gouging is the real issue.)
I pray for the day again, where I can cut off a Jew on Highway 1 and not feel bad.
Visiting Israel my friends are worried. "What about all the bombings, shootings, stabbings?" Then I left New York. (David Rubin shared this at Kiddish. I'm happy I showed up to shul that day.)

I hope you connect now to the Holy Land. Maybe you’ll move there and buy a house in Ohio, where they’re affordable.

Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.

Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. 
Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. 
To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul.
The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. 

How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security.
Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me.

They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us.
CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you.
The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions."

This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions.
Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator.
Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs.
I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back."

Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people.
Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family.
If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant.
Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need.

The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad.
At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul.

I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling.
The CSF team is so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us.

If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator.
Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. 

I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses.
On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker.
It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need.
And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway.

Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
 
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review.

To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time.
Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening.
 
Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea.

Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. 
 
Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist.
It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that.
 
We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks.
 
Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven.
 
Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. 
So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community.
During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam.
For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes.
 
JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible.
 
My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete.

Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea.
 
Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team.
Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence.
The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain."
Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. 
If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe.

On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that.
That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain.
That was almost positive.

"I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens.
 
Something positive happened. It will come to me.
 
It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew.
 
Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos.
Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too.
 
Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters.
Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains.
Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel.

The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel.
 
Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar.
Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you.

The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime.

Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long.
(I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.)
 
Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too.
 
That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out.

Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives.

I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..