It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians. 
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass.
We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. 
We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem.

BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass
Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them.

Act
Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem.
This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill.

Problem
a) People do not share.
b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too.
c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up.
d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work.
e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible.
In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers.
e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism.  
f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain.
Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One.

Solution
a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest.
b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers.
I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down.
c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops.
d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming.
e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up.
h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes.
i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail.
This will get the Temple rebuilt.

Backup Solution
More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City.

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansy, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.

Everybody should be safe. And this war should end soon. Israel should be surrounded by peace. And all evil wiped out from this world. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my lack of support for people wanting to kill Jews.
With that in mind, I've seen the resilience of our people, and how they have not let bomb shelters slow them down, or bring them down. They have done this by keeping active. Here are some activities I've seen our people doing in the bomb shelters and other ideas to help you get by.

Sing. Singing is a great activity. And bomb shelters have great acoustics. If there's one really good bomb shelter feature, it's that you sound real good. Better than you do in a shower. Which is why bomb shelters never have areas to bathe.
Don't stop singing for anything. Siren, bomb, not showering for three days, sing. When bombs are hurled at your home, you celebrate. Ballistic missiles fired at you should not stop a decent Niggun. 
That family that lost their house was still singing. Dad was sitting at his piano. He didn't even realize the place blew up. Why? He was singing.
"Acheinu" is quite meditative. You get into that on your piano, you don't realize you've been hit. You get into a NayNayNay trance, you don't hear the bomb going off in the kitchen. 

Kabbalat Shabbat. You're there anyways. You have another chance to sing. Go for it.

Schoolwork. The bomb shelter is where your kids have to do schoolwork. I can assure you that school is out. Any excuse to cancel school, it will happen. Teachers have a chance to not have to teach your kids, they will not teach your kids. Epidemics, war, price of cottage cheese going up, school is out. Weather outside over eighty degrees Fahrenheit school is out. Hence, school is out for the summer too. This is why a lot of people who grew up in the Southern United States are not well educated.
Teachers love epidemics and wars. They don't even hear war. They hear Zoom and sunbathing. 

Fight with your siblings. That's a good activity. Something to do. 
Board games are also fun. That will lead to a fight.

Sleep. Try to sleep. You may need to ask the kids to leave the bomb shelter for this to happen.

Post on social media. Do not miss a chance to look good online. Bomb shelter pictures will get some likes. Ma'amad family portraits makes the bombings worth it. Just make sure you're all smiling. Nobody wants to see bunker selfies with you looking all down.
​You won't get as many likes as you did for your family vacation pictures in the Bahamas, swimming. But people will like it. 
I'm getting the feeling that giving a thumbs up to some of the bomb shelter posts is giving people the wrong idea. When scrolling posts, I am going to start giving that heart hugger.

Community bomb shelters can be fun. Fart and then look at people's faces. I am sorry. I had to. I'm just throwing out ideas to bring some joy to the bomb shelter living.
Or just look at people's faces after having to smell you. This is most fun when in a bomb shelter for a few days.

Family bonding. Another way of saying the kids are fighting.

Pray. Pray a lot. Tehillim is always good. As long as it's Hebrew and you don't understand it.
Nachlaot in Jerusalem learned from previous Intifadas. They found themselves Davening in a bomb shelter and decided to make it their shul.

Dance. Jews seem to like dancing in these shelters. If you're in a bomb shelter, party.
We're always dancing. Bombings, bomb shelters, football matches, on flights, army bases, in tanks, middle of attacks, we are dancing. House blows up, we're dancing. Singing and dancing.
Maybe we should slow down on the dancing. People are getting the wrong idea from much of what everybody's posting. They see everybody singing and dancing in the bomb shelters and they think we love it. Israel loves getting shelled. For world opinion, we need to be in there crying, not singing the "We Will Not Fear" song. Especially with that happy jump dance they do everywhere.
Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. 
Iran is saying, “What have we done? Look. They’re loving it.”
Dance. Just don't post it. We look like a messed up society of people who love having rockets aimed at us. 
Point is, enjoy every moment. Just don’t let other people know we’re a happy people. Nobody supports happy people. Happy people are aggressors.

In one bomb shelter they had a unicycle, guy on a tightrope and a woman flipping trapeze style. Bomb shelter carnivals are generally a bit much for most Ma'amads. Some outside activities are not meant to be done in ten square foot settings with eighty people. Juggling fire is one of them. But they did it.
Point is, do not let war get in the way of your fun. 
Workout. That's what my nephew is doing. Forget about war, he's worried he might lose some mass. It’s what the bombs are going to do to his bench press.
We’ve truly got to slow down on the fun. At least posting it. These Jew haters around the world truly think we love getting bombed.

Give a Shiur. That's a great way to end the party.
Talk politics. That's even a better way to end a party.
Share your opinions. That's a much better way to end a party. That will get everybody mad. 
Shares memes of Bibi and the Ayatollah. 

Answer the phone. The in-laws will keep you active, answering the phone a good three times an hour. They will help keep your mind off the attacks by asking you if bombs are going off in your building.
They're worried in America. They want to know you're also having an anxiety attack.
Get your mind off what’s going on in Israel and your bunker living, and focus on the people who are truly suffering right now. Your in-laws in America didn’t sleep last night. Think about them and what they're going through, sitting in their home, watching Fox. 
Side note. It would be appreciated if Fox News only showed the Israelis dancing in the bomb shelters, for the in-laws.

News. Watch the news to remind yourself that they're shooting at you. Just in case you haven't heard from the in-laws in a few hours.

Start a sit in. If you're in the bomb shelter long enough, you're already doing it. Give it a cause. Maybe say you're protesting teachers who don't work. 

I love that our people keep happy no matter what. Keep on dancing. Maybe just don't post it.
Don't post everything on social media. With all the singing, dancing and acrobatics, people are starting to think we enjoy being locked up in a shelter. Like we're enjoying the missiles and shrapnel aimed right at us. We have to make things look worse. Otherwise, world opinion will never be on our side.
We have to find a way to make it look like we don't enjoy running to bomb shelters.

And sing some more. It keeps people from sleeping. 
I hope this will help you bring more happiness and joy to your bomb shelter.
Whatever the case, we've got to start recording in these Ma'amads. With the acoustics, great sound. 

***Please note. The Kibbitzer Magazine takes no responsibility for David and his messed up ideas. We received one response from a concerned reader. It read: "Enjoying the bomb shelter???! What is wrong with this guy? Is he an idiot?! I understand a piano and a good 'Acheinu,' but dance parties?!" David's response was, "They look like a lot of fun and a good place Daven."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the shul trying to raise money, and Shwarma made by Yashki, while waking people who are trying to sleep at Costco with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his concern about people getting too excited, burning themselves, instead of waiting for sunflower seeds.

Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY
The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation.

President: We need more money.

Secretary: How do we get it?

President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die.

Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board.

President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death.

Secretary: We can focus on dues.

President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus.

Secretary: But Simchas are nice.

President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks.

Secretary: But they rent the hall?

President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it.

Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate.

President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies.

Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish.

Secretary: Why?

President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money.

Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life.

President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque."

Rabbi: What about Kaddish?

President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that.

DISSOLVE TO

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes.

President: Dedication plaques We need more.
Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted.
Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead.

Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah.

Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats.

President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques.

Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything.

President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death.

Secretary: What about asking for donations?

President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand.

Secretary: Is it always eighteen?

Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens.

President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand.
They continue walking.
The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door.

Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"?

President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed.
The president looks at the rabbi.
Speech donations.

Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it.

President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died.

They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening.

President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque.

Secretary: It's just a fridge.

Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel.

President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf.

Secretary: What about the vegetable bins?

Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians.

President: Get them to plaque it.
Looking at the secretary.
Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down.
Tablecloth. No plaque on it.

Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth.

President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it.

Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give.

Secretary: But they haven't died.

President: Not yet. Give them a plaque.

Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders.

Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best.

Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine.

President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke.

Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family.

President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine.
What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons.

THE END

Kibbitzer Conclusion
The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic.
They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer.
After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah."

The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere.
The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away."
All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand.
The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba.

The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences."
The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise.

The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.

Let us finish off the trilogy of antisemitism, with more Jewish hate. Today we shall speak of the anti-Semites on campus. The dangerous ones. The college students. When they study and get degrees they become more dangerous.
 
College Student Anti-Semites
They're studying at university. They don't have a choice. They want to pass.
Professors are giving lectures on how to attack Jews on the quad correctly, with peace signs. Giving courses on how annoying Yarmulkes are. With sections on the moral clarity of why rape and hostage taking are fine if it's against Jews. Jews Should Die: A Historical Perspective 101.
If college students want to graduate with honors, they have to express their hatred of Jews. They must learn to conjugate "Zionist" properly. And that means with the right tone of hate that expresses the fault of the "Zionist" for the deaths in Liberia. The killings in Iraq? Jewish. Armenian genocide? The Jews. Yemen? It was the Jews. If the Jews weren't kicked out or murdered, Muslims would not be killed.
Ivy League schools have created a curriculum for those who haven't been to Israel, called Hating a Place You've Never Been To: A Philosophical Perspective to Hating Jews.
I would do so good at Harvard nowadays. I would ace every test.

Jews are Educated Anti-Semites
Knowing stuff really gets people hating you. Did you ever run into a know it all?! It's this whole thinking education is important that has everybody hating us. If we just stopped learning, and stopped doing all this studying where we end up creating stuff and getting Nobel Prizes, people would love us. If we were just dumber. If we just gave less to society.
Then, the educated Jewish professors are the ones educating the anti-Semites to hate educated Jews.
A Shayla: If it wasn't for Jewish education, what would happen to antisemitism on college campuses?

The Jew Hater that Sleeps in a Tent
They make their point by sleeping outside and making signs. This shows their hatred of Jews by refusing to get a job.
These anti-Semites beat COVID by sleeping in tents. They also took down Donald Trump with the tents. And they are now taking down Israel with tents. How? By making their point and sleeping outside. Sleeping under the stars is something an American will not do, unless if they're very mad about something.
This is why I stay away from homeless people. I don't know if they hate Jews or not.

The COVID Protesters
Somehow, they're protesting Jews and still wearing masks. I don't know how COVID became part of the plight of the anti-Semite.
Due to their war on COVID, which they are still fighting, they protest Jews by wearing masks. Watch out for these anti-Semites, they are very mad and very violent. They might even be sitting next to you in Economics And How Jews Took All Your Money 201.

The Anti-Ben Shapiro
They just like arguing with Ben Shapiro.

The Student Union
Still not serving Kosher food. A bunch of anti-Semites.

Fifty-Year-Old College Students
Why these universities are all the sudden taking in students after retirement. Freshman at fifty, who never finished high school. And then they don't even give them dorms. Forcing them to sleep on the grass. In tents.

The Drive-by Anti-Semites
They drive-by and beep. These are the worst. You know they truly hate Jews. They're definitely not beeping me because I’m hot.
The first time I got beeped on Shabbat I thought somebody in the car was checking me out. Then I noticed the three-hundred pound bald guy and realized I had just finished taking down four pounds of Kugel the night before.

To my college students. We have to be tough. As a Jew, don’t let these anti-Semites scare you. Even if they're a fifty-five-year-old college student living on the quad, who has never attended a class. Keep strong. Fight back. Wear that Kippah, or Yarmulke if you’re not religious, and get them mad.
My dad A"H was tough. I will never forget when the neo-Nazis were on the side of the road yelling stuff at us on the way to shul. Stuff like "Jew." Never call a Jew a Jew. Especially when that Jew is my father. It's just offensive to call a Jew a Jew. To this day, it bothers me as a Jew when people don't call me Christian.
My father started chasing them, yelling, "One day you're going to work for my son." I will never forget that. The toughness. Willingness to stick up for his Jewish people who others called Jews. I also remember asking my father, "Isn't that why they hate us?"

And you know what gives us the right to be tough. Israel. The Zionists. Calling Jews who support and love Israel Zionists is offensive. It just hurts.

Yesterday we discussed the full array of anti-Semites. There are more. There are more anti-Semites than all of the anti-Semites.
I always knew people hated us. I didn't know they hate us this much. Over the past year and a half I've taken notice of how so many people hate Jews.
The thing is not all anti-Semites are the same. There are many different kinds of anti-Semites. I've analyzed their hatred. They all hate Jews. But they hate us in different ways. Each anti-Semite is unique, and that should be celebrated.
They all hate us. And that means Jews never lived in Israel. And Jews have always owned everything. Everything, except Israel. And Jews run the newspapers that say Jews never lived in Israel.
Today, let's focus on some of the Israel hating anti-Semites.

Anti-Israel Anti-Semites
These Jew haters are mad Israel has Jews. These anti-Semites especially hate the Israeli Druze. To quote my coworker, "Druze, Jews. What's the difference." That guy also blamed us for the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic.
There is truth to every joke.

We Support You Anti-Semites
These anti-Semites love Jews, they just want all the ones they don't know to die.
These anti-Semites say they love Israel. They just don't want Jews living there, and they want them to be thrown into the sea. Hence, they are proJews.
Until all this hatred of my people, I always thought getting thrown into water is a bunch of fun. That's how camp will mess you up. For the sake of our future, our children, and all the antisemitic Jewish summer camp counselors, I propose counselors stop throwing Frum campers into the water. It looks wrong.

The Jews Run the World Anti-Semites
They claim we run everything, including the airlines that won't fly to Israel.
We've shut these anti-Semites up with arguments like, "If you hate the Jews and Israel, don't use your computer. Jews created all that stuff. We put together the computer chips. Don't read the newspaper. We run those. And don't travel. We own the airlines too. And don't even think about using your bank... Exactly. Jews!!! And we also created SodaStream. And we own technology." So, we've dealt with that argument.
 
Terrorists
These ones are actually trying to kill us. Actively. Every day.
I don't want to definitively call the terrorists anti-Semites. They may like us. They're just trying to kill us because they need to support their families somehow.

Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters
These ones are real angry Jews are defending themselves. Hence, the human rights violation of Jews living.
October 7th truly got these anti-Semites going, bothered that Jews are still around. These anti-Semites are rightfully fighting for the right to rape Jewish women.
The Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters do not have it easy, with Jews living in this world. My liberal Jewish friend shared that we should be considerate of their feelings too.

Jews Didn't Create Falafel Anti-Semites
They only say this because they hate us.
Some even have the Chutzpah to say they don't like Marzipan rugulach. Who would say that, but an anti-Semite. A Jew hater.

The We Want to Kill You Anti-Semite
I would try to avoid these ones. They want to kill you.
These Jew haters will look at you. They may even curse you. As soon as they say they want to kill you, maybe start walking the other way. Check the pockets. Make it look like you forgot something. That’s just a suggestion. Maybe you can power walk to the other grocery store.
There are also the nonviolent anti-Semites who attack Jews. Be careful out on the streets. The nonviolent ones are the most dangerous.

There are so many more anti-Semites out there. For instance, the guy at Wender's Hardware, down the block, was charging $45 for an adapter. With prices like that, and no sale, definitely anti-Semites. And why so mach for the adapter? Mr. Wender hates Israel. I know it.
And then there is the anti-Semite actor who hates Jews because they are an actor, and that means they have to hate Israel. And then there is the Israeli in Hollywood who finally decided that they don't want to act anymore, saying they support their family. And then there is the Israeli's family that is mad at their idiot child who is not making as much money anymore.

​I want to thank all of our anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel.

There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews.

The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite
They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated.
I think that makes sense.

The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite
This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded.

Works With Jews Anti-Semite
Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews.
They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter.
All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat.

Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite
He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders.
Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people.

Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite
They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger.
This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts.
You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews."

The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite
This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out.

The I Have a Jewish Friend
These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too."
The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate.
Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers.

The I Have a Jewish Neighbor
That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges.

Jews
Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul.

Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite
That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves.

The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher
They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living.
Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business.

The Jewish Landlord
They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live.
Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews.

Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite
That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew.
Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money.
Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!"
The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish."

The Will Not Look Anti-Semite
They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze.
To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites.
No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man."

The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite
These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts.

The I Live in America Anit-Semite
These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens.
Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore.

Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites
They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!"
Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything."

The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite
These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals.
We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to.

The Whisper Past Anti-Semite
They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews."
I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals.
This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you.

Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans.
Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Dear Dave,
Come to think of it, I made a lot more mistakes. Last time, I told you about the girl I talked to for more than five minutes, ruining any chance I had with her, and the fact that I ate. Which was a total foolish thing to do. But I couldn't control myself around brisket.
I've been writing you a lot lately. But I need to get these thoughts off my chest and onto somebody else. Thank you for being that guy. I need to work through them somewhere. Need your feedback buddy. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong people at these singles Shabbatons.
 
Here's where the mistake started. I sat with guys. My biggest mistake of the weekend. Sitting with guys will bring you down. Kill your game. Once I sat at the guy table the good energy vibes was gone. It was guys I was sitting with. The weekend was downhill from there.
Nobody wants to be around guys. They are depressing. But after thirty-six hours at the Shabbaton, asking girls where they come from, guys were the only ones willing to talk to me. Maybe I have to come up with more questions, like "what are your hobbies." Girls like that.
It brought me down. Sitting with single guys will bring anybody down. Especially when it's the guys who gave up. I noticed guys coming over. It was a pattern. A guy sees a girl, walks over to her, other guy starts talking to her, he has nowhere to go, he sees the guy table, he comes to the guy table, tries to start a conversation, nobody responds, he takes a seat, understands the weekend didn't work out, looks around, notices food, gets more of it, comes back, stains his shirt, stays at guy table.

They were all trying to look cool. Sitting with a bunch of dudes who had been rejected, looking cool. It takes a lot of self-belief to pull that. Strategizing. Each one was trying to figure out how to make their way out of the guy table, trying to figure out how to make the move they forgot to make fifteen years ago.
It's a messed-up conversation where the word "so" pops up every half minute. You sit there with these guys scoping the room while licking the T-bone and your hands, saying "so" and looking cool by not talking to women. After a half hour of "so," I am walking around believing my future is relegated to these guys that haven't had a conversation since they saw Chana Leah across the room fifteen years ago.
The only positive here is that I've made some guy friends over the years of Shabbaton attendance. I see the same guys at each of the events. All now seventy years of age. At least the seventy-year-olds know how to enjoy their food.
I'm beginning to think these Shabbatons don't work for everybody.

Then I saw guys from camp. I have to stay away from these people. So many people I don't like. Why people become counselors when they can get a job mowing lawns for the summer still baffles me. Why do I need to see my past everywhere I go?
I don't need my past creeping up on me like that. I don't need memories of my underwear on a flagpole when I'm courting a woman. If I'm going to meet a woman, it needs to be information from within the past three months, that I've been working on myself.
Is the only way out to convert? Do I have to go to Muslim Mixers? If I converted, I might get stoned, but Jewish girls would like me. The problem is America. I see these people in America. I've got to run away from these camp people. It's Israel. I've got to get back to Israel to get away from Jews.

Then I went back to conversing with women. I shouldn't have done that. That's how you kill a singles weekend. I should never share my thoughts around the opposite sex. Not a good idea. My thoughts as a guy will kill any chance at relationship.
The guys at the table killed all my vibes. I started sharing my real thoughts. She doesn't need to know my thoughts on marriage and where to send the kids to school, until I meet her mother and her mother tells us what we're going to do. If we send the kids to Jewish day school, her parents will be paying. I shouldn't have mentioned that part either. But sitting with the guys messed me up.
They ask questions. That's a trick. They don't want answers. Though she asked about camp, the underwear on the flagpole story was not a good idea.
And then I said I thought she was cute. Stupid. Never tell a girl you're attracted to her. They want guys who are not into them.
A woman should not know I have thoughts until marriage. One day, when I come home, I'll let her know I want to hang out with guys. Get some smokehouse and look cool. But I won't tell her that till marriage. Otherwise, there is no chance we're getting married.
You're married Dave. Did you talk to your wife before you got married?

Next time I go to a social event, I'm staying away from people.
From now on, I'm only going to singles weekends where there are no girls I've dated. They know about me. And no modern orthodox Jews from New York. I don't need my past following me everywhere go. I'm also staying away from elementary school friends. I did some crazy stuff in second grade. I don't need a pencil up my nose keeping me from my Bashert again.
LSimchas,
David

Dear Dave,
I did good at the singles weekend. I met some women, got phone numbers, and they rejected me by phone. But I made some mistakes on the weekend. And naturally, some of this stuff will hurt your game and bring you down.
I made rookie mistakes. When you've been single for as long as me, you should know how to work a Shabbaton. You should know how to strut your suit and Shabbis walking shoes.
This is what I did and why some stuff doesn't work out. If you have any advice, please let me know. It won't hurt more than the girl calling me a creep.
 
I Met Her Too Soon
I met a girl in the beginning of the weekend. At that point, I knew I had no chance. I only have fifteen minutes of game. There were two more days after that. That's forty-eight hours. I can't hold attraction for forty-eight hours. I had already run out of questions about where she grew up and what she does for a living. What do you do after that?
I turned into a stalker real fast. Real fast when they don't want to talk to you. The whole Shabbaton she's now asking, "Why is this guy still here. Why is this guy following me to all these programs."
By Saturday morning, after saying "shalom" for the eighth time, I was now creepy. Romantic turned creepy. By the time Sunday rolled around, she'd met a dozen girls I've dated, and they confirmed I was creepy.

Too Much Energy
I gave so much positive energy. Too much in the beginning.
Goes great for fifteen minutes and then she finds out I've run out of questions about where she's from. Twenty minutes later she hears I'm a rabbi who does comedy. Now, I have no chance. And my material on being single does not help the stalker cause. Especially the stuff about the date that went bad, when I started knocking on her door and her parents said they were going to call the police if I show anymore affection.
I should've left the Shabbaton right after we met. I should've kissed the three-hundred-fifty-dollars goodbye. I would've had a chance if she never saw me again.
I have to get good at not putting out any energy. Just got to sit there, not talk and look cool with my Yarmulke covering my bald head.

I Ate
I can't eat at these things. I'm disgusting. The amount I eat, that will turn off any girl. Guys are disgusted by me.
I focus on food. When I see food, I devour. It's a gorging process done with hands. And it was good food. Which meant I went up five times. The girls know I went up five times. They're counting. They're trying to figure out if there's a reason I'm not buttoning the double-breasted suit. Wearing a double-breasted suit and trying to date girls under sixty is another rookie mistake.
I get involved with food. I see it and I lose myself in it. If you looked up for a second, you would've noticed the look of the girl trying to figure out why this guy is eating steak with his hands licking his fingers at a single weekend.
I put on 20lbs by Saturday morning. Worst time to have a singles event. Food around and it's over for me. A woman should never know I eat. I should go on these things and starve. My two-hundred-thirty-pounds should be an anomaly. They should be asking how this guy got so heavy without eating. At least they wouldn't see me walking around with choolante grease on my shirt Saturday afternoon.

You end up hitting yourself for this stuff. Next time, I'm not making any moves till I'm out of there. I'm going to show up, not eat, not talk. I'm going to leave before any of the girls talk to me and I'm going to go hungry. That's my only chance of meeting a woman and making it happen. And I'm wearing a husky single-breasted suit. And I'm not going to tell the girls it's a husky suit. Girls are not attracted to husky.

If any girls do talk to me, I'm pulling out a timer. Fifteen minutes and I'm out. I see her at another event, there will be no hellos. Unless if I'm at the fourteen minute mark and I have another minute of game in me.
I think I'm ready to meet my Bashert now.
LSimchas,
David

Shalom Dave,
Singles weekends will bring you down. Especially Jewish ones. I just went on a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a weekend event over Shabbat where you know you will only meet people that like Shabbat, due to the lack of live music. You show up, meet people and eat. Shabbatons are singles events where singles are focused on food.
It was nice. I had a good time. I met some good women, got their numbers, got back home and got reject me by phone. But right after the Shabbaton, I felt this great flood of depression running over me for the first time. One that said, "I'm still single. I had just been around so many Jewish singles, and I am still single." And I understood.
Let me be clear. I was down. I wasn't depressed. I don't want this letter being used as proof of a psychological disorder. That will not help the dating prospects any more than being a comedian.
This is what I think brought on the deluge of depression deluge. And I'm a guy. Please tell me if I'm off. I shall break it down. This is why single people walk away from these things depressed.

Two Thousand Singles
There were two thousand singles present over the course of the Shabbaton. With so many singles, I felt like I'd been rejected by the Jewish nation. At the end of the weekend, it hit me that the whole of my people had turned me down.
I met women, but it still made no difference. When there are over a thousand women that are not Matim, not fitting to be your Bashert, in one place, you get the full feeling that your people has rejected you.
When applying, I got rejected by less colleges. There's something to a dating application process.
Over two thousand and not one of them is your spouse. What do you do at that point? Do you move to Israel? Do you retire? Who do you talk to? Gd?

Single People Look Depressed
I kept up the positive energy, but it's tough around Jewish singles who only want to get married, and don't want to meet a guy.
Video adds twenty pounds. Seeing other singles adds twenty levels of depression, and twenty pounds. You see these other singles and you start to see how bad your life is, in front of you. And you start to see these older guys who got heavier. You see that single guy and you start thinking, "Am I like that? Am I over forty and single?!" Women are thinking, "Am I stuck with that guy? Has my life come to this?! Am I dating my dad?! Do all guys get fatter?!"

Didn't Find the Right One Again
That's a realization that hits me when I was driving home. That and dinner. After eating all that food at the Shabbaton, I'd realized I was hungry again.
I met some women. I'm a man, I've got moves like, "Where are you from?" That's my go to pickup line. They always have an answer to that. I don't like to take chances.
Some of my friends didn't meet anybody. Nobody for them to call, to get rejected by phone. And I feel bad for them. Nobody to DM on Instagram, who now sees your picture in the light, to reject you through text. It's a waste of time if you come away from a singles weekend without a woman telling you, "I have a friend that might be good for you."
How many more places do you have to look?! And this weekend was in Florida. Your future creeps up on you real fast down there. You see the ninety year old singles and that brings on a different level of depression. Another fifteen levels. You go on those Shabbatons and they don't even have Instagram messenger to reject you.

I'm Broke
Leaving the Shabbaton, I realized I'm out of money.
I don't know the connection between Shabbatons and inflation, but it's there. The economy has influenced our dating. Interest has affected singles event prices.
I can't afford these events anymore. But I have to go. Otherwise the women know I'm poor. If you can't afford the event, the women know you won't be able to afford Jewish day school.
They can cost up to three hundred fifty dollars. Then, there's the hotels, the flights, the car rental, the dinners. I'm out four thousand dollars. I met the girls, but I can't afford to take them out. I have to wait till May to pay off the debt.
There's got to be a charitable individual out there who doesn't care about poor people. They should be able to fund this. Free would be good. Single people would feel better if they met nobody for free.
But we got food. For three hundred fifty dollars, you want to eat as much as possible. That's why we focus on food.

Speeches
And this hit me at the end. They had speakers reminding us about the fact that we're single.
If you're not down enough. If you haven't lost enough money. If you haven't gone out of your way enough to let people know you're desperate. If you haven't been rejected by over a thousand singles yet. They give a speech about how you messed up.
To spiritually uplift you, they bring in the Kabbalah to let you know that you're single because Gd also doesn't love you astrologically. Your zodiac precludes you from love since the day you were born.
Each speech ends with a practical teaching that you have no hope and you have to go for somebody you don't find attractive. Married people are allowed to be attracted to their spouse, but you have to get married because you're a loser. That's in the Zohar somewhere.
Listening to the speeches, it didn't hit me at the time. Afterwards, I was thinking, "I really did mess up. I definitely went wrong somewhere if I have to listen to this."

People Are Looking
It's a heightened sense of awareness of your being alone at thirty five, forty five, fifty five, ninety five. Truth is, I have no idea what the age of some of those people at the Shabbaton is. When you leave the event and you're all alone again, and broke, the drawing board becomes smaller.
If people went to these events to just enjoy a four thousand dollar weekend, they would walk away happier. Maybe not. The four thousand dollars does hit you. After the weekend. After the high from the energy of the event is over, it hits you. You're broke and you're older.

Those are some of the reasons why people get down on themselves after these weekends. But there is no greater reason than spending all that money to get rejected by the nation. By all of your brethren. I showed up to shul the following Shabbat. I was shocked when they gave me an Aliyah to the Torah. I thought the people didn't want me.
With all that rejection and depression, I'm going to another singles event next weekend. I already paid three hundred fifty dollars to get rejected by another of our tribes that was not in Florida. Maybe they'll have a guest speaker to let us know why we were rejected by the Persian community as well.
At least I ate a lot. I walked away heavier. It might just be the extra pounds bringing me down.

I hope that explains why single people don't like going to singles weekends all the time. Dave. This is why single people like going to couples retreats.
LSimchas,
David

It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too.
 
Trying to Get the Minyin
The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect.
Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey.
We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy.
They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul."
Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage.
 
The Gabai
Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah.
This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham.
It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel.
Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis.
 
Rabbi Shows to Shul Late
There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody.
The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time.
The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi.
Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi.

The Bar Mitzvah Boy
Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off.
They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless.
Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts.

The Grammen
When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form.
The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit.

Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit
The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried.
The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel.
The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser.
The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year.
 
Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about healthy food that he puts on weight from, because he eats way too much of it, and not arresting Chabad youth who feel it's important to pray, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his support of Israel through nail salons while stealing pens and expos.

For centuries, shuls have been trying to make their Purim Shpiels funny, to no avail. Performed at the Purim meal, best in live theater form, many may be inebriated, and yet to no avail. Throughout the ages there have been many failed shpiels. Especially the one back in Troyes, France in 1098, where they made fun of Rashi and how he comments on everything.
The issue has always been that they're not offensive enough.
I'm here to help you with some Shpiel ideas to tailor fit to your community. This is the one time of year to pull out your best Don Rickles and share some good laughs that will offend people. If you’re worried about Lashon hara, be general, everybody will still know who you’re talking about. The guy that takes all the meat from the choolante, the one who hocks up a cough at Musaf, the one who thinks they should be the one leading Davening. It's Pinny and Shmuel Baruch Felsenblum. We all know they should not be up there singing. When you do the sketch of the Jews who show up for Kiddish, showing them leaving home at 12pm for the 8:30am service, to be on time, they will know it’s the Kimplowitz family. Great scene, which should be in every Purim Shpiel.
Always start with something you know will work and draw the laughs, and that is making fun of the rabbi. Don't do the acting out of Megilat Esther. Nobody gets Achashveirosh's voice right. Never seen a convincing Xerxes.
Here are some ideas to help you get started on your shtick:

The Rabbi
Anything you do about the rabbi will get a huge laugh. Just pretend you’re giving a sermon in the rabbi's voice and everybody will love it. As you sermonize, use highfalutin English words like “firmament,” so that nobody understands. And then utter some nonsense and say "blah blah wha wha wha..." As long as your disdain for the rabbi is apparent, everybody will love it.
The rabbi has been there for every family event of yours, every lifecycle event. He’s laughed with you. He’s cried with you. He cares about you. Make fun of him.
 
The Baby Carriages
This year, the amount of baby carriages has surpassed the amount of people in the shul. How this has happened, I have no idea. It’s clear that people who have baby carriages think they can put them anywhere.
The Shpiel: Just have somebody trying to walk into the shul. They can’t. It’s impossible. The parents decided to leave the carriages at the entrance of the shul. No need to bring the props. They are in the shul already. Some of the people that came to the Purim Seudah meal still can’t get through the doors.
For this scene, bring everybody to the entrance of the shul and try to walk through the doors. No need for acting. Your frustration will naturally take over, as you trip, fall and throw baby carriages at the coatroom. Slapstick at its best is always performed angry.
 
Kids Running in The Hall
This is your chance to mock the new kind of parenting, where they let the kids raise themselves and interrupt the services. Dad claims, “It’s her decision. She’s already three.”
The Shpiel: In the middle of shul, the dad says to his child, “Are you sure you want to interrupt the services?” The child yells, “Yes.” And guess what, the services are interrupted. The dad insists there’s nothing he can do, as he gives the young one a lollipop and the right to make their own choices. And this is why she got Bat Mitzvahed at the age of four.
This leads to the Shpiel of the kids running shul. Take any scene from Lord of the Flies and add parents who do nothing, you have your Shpiel. Parents are stranded with the kids. The parents just sit there and let them kill each other. And you have your modern parents of your congregation.
 
The Yom Kippur Appeal
Everybody flipped the cards, but the shul did not see the money. How? Let's talk about all the people who haven’t paid their dues.
The Shpiel: We see everybody flipping the money on the cards, claiming they will donate that to the shul. Show the least wealthy people flipping over the $18,000 donation. We see their friend reminding them that they haven’t paid their dues yet. Time for the perfect Jewish joke: He responds, “So, nu? If I don’t give this donation, is it a bad ting?”
You then pull out the list of people who still haven’t paid their dues. This will get everybody moving. Comedy is always easiest when familiar; when people are able to say “that’s so true.” Everybody will be on the floor when they are able to say, “That's so true. The Yitzhakys and the Minkovitzs never pay their dues.”
 
The Kiddush Table
Fran is standing right in front of the choolante. She won’t move. Just show her standing there and other people trying to get through. Comedy gold. The more oblivious she is, the better the scene.
Remember, every scene should have frustrated people getting angry. Humor at its best.
A great addition to the scene is to have a huge guy come and throw Fran away from the table, knocking her down, and then piledriving her. Security should then come and join in the beating of Fran, who is eighty-five years old. At that point, he calmly goes for his choolante.
 
Impersonate Anybody
It will get a laugh.
The impersonation technique in shuls has always been best used when saying the name of the person. It’s hard to know that you’re impersonating Bernie from the third row, who sits next to Frank and Max. Everybody in Memphis has the same accent. Doing a Southern accent won’t help. Neither will doing a Yiddish accent. The Southern Yiddish accent is ubiquitous. Say, “I’m Bernie, Max,” and everybody will be on the floor. Once you say it’s Bernie, everybody will be able to respond, “Yeah. That’s Bernie. He sits next to Max. So true. That’s so Bernie. Saying his name while impersonating him truly hits the funny bone. Great parody.” Then you can get back to making fun of the rabbi who officiated Bernie’s wedding, while helping you and your spouse work through your divorce.
For a real crowd pleaser, remember to impersonate the rabbi. Remember, any time you make fun of the rabbi, it will get a laugh. Do the rabbi saying “Oy” and the crowd is back on your side. If people are personally offended, if you make fun of the rabbi, they will love you once again. Anything about the rabbi and anything involving a Yiddish style accent are Jewish community comedy gold. Truth is you could do a whole Shpiel raising your hands in Jewish Why form, saying “Oy,” and the audience will be on the floor.
 
Purim is a chance for you to get out your anger. The best way to express anger is to make fun of people. Otherwise, it’s straight-out offensive. Remember, if you run your Shpiel right, nobody will want to talk to you for a good couple months.
And never do song form Shpiel. As expressed in introduction, people in your shul do not know how to sing.  The Grammen NayNayNay part is spiritual, but it kills the laughs when Mrs. Simchovitz goes off on her harmony, or whatever other song she's singing the high part of.

Let's finish the "English Alephs."

As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?"

Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame."

Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better.

Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden.

Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife."

Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service."

Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like."

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.

Anti-Semites- a) One who charges Jews for items or services. Sentence: "So, we’re at the movies. Those anti-Semites are charging $4 for popcorn." b) A cop that gives a Jew a ticket for speeding. c) Anybody who asks a Jew to do any work. We link it back to Egypt. d) Number one reason for Aliyah to Israel. They do a much better job than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency of bringing Jews to Israel. See all of Europe for ways to attack Jews.

Appeal Cards- Cards with flaps that people fold over to let the shul know what they intend to give to the synagogue if they ever give anything. If it was a cash donation, the shul would never see a flipped tab. The members still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. Yet, they still flip the numbers on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. It is to say, "If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would think about giving."

Apikores (pl. Apikorsim)- a) Somebody who likes the rabbi. Sentence: "This Apikores enjoys the rabbi’s sermon. He knows from nothing." b) Somebody who knows the Torah and at the same time expresses a sense of happiness. Sentence: "You see her smiling? She's is definitely not keeping the Mitzvos. Apikoreset."

Aramaic- A language every Jew should know. Unlike Hebrew. Sentence: "If I would know Aramaic, I would understand this Gemara."

Armrest- a) An object that makes a tiny seat that is not meant for a whole person even more uncomfortable. This helps make the shul experience painful. Hence, meant for people who are not Apikorsim. Sentence: "This is more uncomfortable than ELAL. The chair sits half of my tush. This armrest is meant for a quarter arm. And that guy’s prayer book is in the back of my head. I'm feeling discomfort, and thus, penitent." b) Something put between seats in shul, so people will fight.

Aron Kodesh- A place to put names of people who have a lot of money, and the Torahs. Sentence: "I think the Aron Kodesh will be more valuable if we can place some dedication plaques on the scrolls."

Arts and Crafts- Where kids make Jewish objects, such as a Chanukiyah, a grogger, Jewish origami paper chains for the Sukkah, paper plate hamentashes, and Haggadahs. All of which the parents have to find a way to throw out without their children knowing. Sentence: "I wish this teacher would stop sending the arts and crafts home. She’s got no guts; putting the throwing out of the paper mache on us. Now my kids think I don’t love them… Yes. I do think they’re not talented."

ArtScroll- a) Master translators of biblical and rabbinic text, that found a way to eliminate Hebrew for the new learner of Yiddishkeit; making English the language of the Torah. Sentence from Zealous American Bal Tshuva: "And I quote, 'The Tabernacle in the wilderness…' That is exactly how Moshe said it. In English." Alternative Sentence: "Got to be honest. No idea why I went to Yeshiva and tried learning this stuff in Aramaic, with no punctuation. This learning Talmud in English is so much easier. I feel like a Talmid Chacham.: Addition to Alternative Sentence: "Give me the Gemara in English and I'm happy not knowing what it says." b) The Jewish book company that elaborates. Other people translate. Artscroll elaborates. This is how the modern Jew learns. Sentence: "I need a translation that doesn’t translate." Translation of "Rabbi Moshe Feinstein had a good childhood": "Roshei Yeshiva came to Rabbi Feinstein when he was six months old. It was then that he gave his first rabbinic ordinances. He wrote his first book of Responsa on the laws of sharing when he was two year of age." c) The Jewish book publishing house, there for the safety of the frum reader, ensuring that we never have to read a book where a rabbi sinned, or where there is a storyline. Plot of all Biographies: Born a Tzadik in Brooklyn, lived as a Tzadik in Brooklyn, died a Tzadik Brooklyn, and still overcame much spiritual struggle to be a Tzadik in Brooklyn.

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick.

Many people are scared about the release of the terrorists, asking me, "David. What do we do?" You live.
Before getting into this article, May all of the hostages come home safely. Our prayers continue to go out to them and their families. The nightmare they have gone through is unforgivable. And to know these bloodthirsty terrorists have been put back out there is bothersome.
The question still stands. "What do we do?" I can tell you, do not be scared. Israelis have dealt with terror forever. And Americans have had to deal with college students.
With so many terrorists out there, we have to discuss what to do when confronted with a terrorist. First, say "Shalom." Greet them.
This is going to be dark, but here is some advice for how to calm them down.

Show Them Support
As we all know, killing terrorists is wrong. You want to empathize with them. Talk it out. See their perspective.
Support groups are good. Anything where they are thinking killing themselves is not the right thing today. One day at a time. Start a terror support group if that helps. Get them talking about how their parents never believed in them enough. How their parents didn't think they had the ability to blow themselves up. Sometimes, what parents say can hurt. Get them to open up about the day they lived. Terrorists need a safe space to let out their emotions. Their hurt.
Empathize. Maybe give them some warm clothes. A decent coat. Some hot Sabich. It seems to get quite cold in Gaza. This is why they're always wearing ski masks. They never have coats. Empathize a bit. I know Hamas waits for The North Face to have a decent sale before outfitting the Gazans. Give them the coat when they need it.
If they are the suicide type, ask them why they want to take others and not just themselves.

Educate Them
Take the positive approach. Let them know they don't have to blow themselves up to be successful and to receive the adulation of others. Pull them aside for a deep conversation about how you were once down and out when your parents didn't send you enough money to go out drinking in the Shuk when you first made Aliyah. We all go through hard times.
Teach them a new trade. Maybe finance. Get them into investments. Get them involved in a trade where they'll only want to kill themselves if they find out the stock market crashed.
Give them hope. Instruments are good. Teach them to play the ukulele. Ukuleles don't kill people. There is no reason to blow yourself up when you can play beautiful songs like “Over the Rainbow.” And there is no reason to blow up a ukulele, unless if you find yourself at an open mic, or trying to enjoy a series.
Acting is an excellent profession. They're excellent at acting. They've mastered the playing dead. Some of them have already died four or five times. And they pull it, each time.

Redirect Their Anger
Sports is good for this. Redirect their anger to soccer. Soccer fans yell a lot too. They can find hatred for other people that aren't Jewish, known as fans of the other team.
They can feel the same comradery as they do with their fellow terrorists, as they root for their team by jumping up and down and attacking the other fans.
If all else fails, let them know there are other Jews. [That might have been too dark. I apologize for that. Too soon. Three-thousand years is too soon. It's just crazy knowing there are so many terrorists and anti-Semites out there. Even if it's not funny, you will always be able to say this piece is gutsy.]

Lock Your Doors
Terrorists like blowing stuff up. They're not good at picking locks. If your door is locked, it'll take them a while to figure out how to get in.
They may knock. Don’t answer. If you answer, they’ll make their way into the house. This is also why I don’t answer the door when my in-laws visit. [There is always room for a mother-in-law joke. Especially when you're not married and talking about terrorism.]

Sing with Them
Singing brings people together. “Am Yisrael Chai” is a beautiful song.
“Over the Rainbow” would be good times too. Pull out the guitar, the bongo and the ukulele. Stay away from the bonfire. Just sing in a circle. Keep it a circle.
You can always sing the Jihad ABCs with the male Miss Lyle. That will bring back childhood memories about how the Jews are the devil and they should be killed. Childhood memories always warm the heart.

Educate Them on Israel
Their education is off. They think Israel doesn’t exist. And yet their charter says to kill everybody in Israel. [Some jokes don’t land. Maybe this isn't the right topic to try to be funny about.]
Teach them about Israel. Take them on one of those educational seminars where they tell you about water levels. Then, they'll only want to kill the presenter.
Show them how expensive apartments are in Jerusalem and they might change that “Free Palestine” tone to just getting a better deal on housing. Saving some money would be good enough. [Working the Free Palestine pun. Giving it a different angle for you. People are always looking for new angles on the Free Palestine pun.]

Less Rage
Their full of rage. Terrorists are very rageful. They love rage. Days of rage. Mobs of rage. Rage against the machine. If you can just calm them down. If you can just derage them, you'll be OK.
Give them credit for creating falafel and chumus. That will calm them down. That's why they're so outraged all the time, yelling, trying to kill Jews. That's why Arafat created this whole hoax. He just wanted credit for Chumus Abu Ammar.
People take their chumus seriously.

Teach Them About Other Places
Maybe if they saw other places, like Europe, they might want to move there and blow stuff up.

Other Ways to Protect Yourself
When you’re online in the supermarket let them cut. They will get violent.
Look both ways when crossing the street. Look both ways when on a sidewalk. Just look both ways. Always look both ways. And pray.
Pray for the Israeli Army. Pray for the hostages. Pray for their families. Pray for the Jewish people. Pray to Gd that the government doesn't do more dumb stuff. Pray for peace. Pray to Gd that we rid the world of terrorists.

Jews of the Diaspora, be strong. Know you can take out the terrorists. You've already dealt with college students.
[What kind of idiot uses terror to make jokes!]

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about AI being anti-Semitic, praying to Gd and thanking Him too much for Chanukah and being alive, and educating us about proper modest gymwear that clashes, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing how Sufganiot don’t have enough jelly, while he still put on weight and ate them.

I've got to tell you about this. I never knew the power of my Yarmulke till this open mic. I thought my Yarmulke was supposed to remind me about Gd. I didn't know it was supposed to get other people mad.

The Story
I sat down at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke on the rocks. I'm not a loser.

This young girl was performing her piece at the open mic in Buffalo. She was old enough to know that Jews should be killed. She had been to college. She had Jewish professors. And she had traveled to France, so she knew about Israel.
As part of her piece she was going off on the "genocide of the Palestinian people." I sat there shocked. Who are these Palestinian people she speaks of? Who was doing this to these Palestinian people? I must stop them. Now. I had just shared laughs with some Arabs in Israel. I am assuming some of them identify as Palestinians. I would hope nobody is doing anything to them. But she was adamant that there was a genocide going on somewhere.
I didn't know if that was part of the song or not. There was no music accompaniment. Maybe it was one of those music storyteller shows where they leave out the music. They get so excited about the story and they forget it's a concert. And she was really getting into this story. She started talking about Israelis being the devil. She was very passionate about that.
I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. And I couldn't figure out how to respond. Everybody loves a good story. What am I going to do? Start yelling at her for her creativity? Shake her up and mess up the story? Maybe she was speaking about the genocide of the Palestinians that lived 4,000 years ago; the start of the Palestinian people and their documented history as a state.

She started speaking of this utopian society where women could frolic and get raped. And finally, rape would be supported. There would be no more judgment of the beheading of little children. A paradise where genocide would finally be defined as defending one's people against enemies who are trying to murder everyone in their nation. She was speaking of a Messianic Palestinian time of redemption. It was a beautiful story, delivered with emotion and tears, setting up the song "Zombie," written in support of the Palestinian people who had to deal with the ruthless British in Ireland. Everybody clapped. The story was amazing. How she intertwined the need to kill all Jews in the utopia which was Palestinian Ireland. It was brilliant. To be honest, I think I even clapped. It was the most creative story. Innovative, ingenious, original.
At least now I knew where the Palestinian genocide was happening. In Ireland.
The story was brilliant, but I felt for those who identify as Palestinian. Did they really feel rape was fine? And she continued with "the day of joy when Jews were dragged through the streets and finally burned. A day in which cheers were had by all." She left some of that part out. Her friends were disappointed. They were hoping for more of the story of Satan the Jew. They wanted to hear more of this utopian ridding of the Jews, as the crowd were pacifists and believed in love of all.
So, she cried for the twelve million reported Gazan deaths and went into the song.

How Do I Respond
My Jewish side and love of my nation and people kicked in. I thought this was wrong, even if it was a story. If you're going to tell a story, tell it correctly. I was bothered she didn't throw the Black Plague into this. If she was going to tell this story with any facts, she would've mentioned how Jews make it a point of drinking blood. Which is Kosher if it's from nonJewish children and Shechted just right.

I didn't know if I could argue against stuff that doesn't exist. I simply sat there, took off my winter hat, and there was my Kippah.
She finished her song on behalf of the Cranberries who wrote it for the Palestinian people of Ireland and everybody clapped. Cheers were heard throughout the streets of Buffalo. "What a piece. The Palestinians of Gaza should be allowed their Gd given right to behead toddlers and burn them with pride. It's their tradition and the Jewish people of Israel have the Chutzpah to try to stop it. Genocide!!! They're committing genocide. Why do the Israelis have an issue with Hamas using their own children in a war? They're their children. Should not all soldiers be protected by their children???" And the story somehow turned real.
That last line was good. You felt that.

They Were Offended
Taking to the cheers and claps she looked to the side and saw me sitting there, with my Kippah. My presence offended all. I killed the brilliant rendition of the Cranberries. No. It was my Kippah. My Kippah was screaming at them and they were offended. The Kippah. That Chutzpan.

Open mic girl's hatred for me was felt. I went to the bathroom and as I came back, with my Kippah still on my head, her friends went to check on her. They saw my Kippah and they were bothered that nobody knocked it off.
Her and all of her friends were having talks about me. "Did he approach you?" They wanted to know if I hit on her. Another act of genocide.
She responded, "No. But his Yarmulke did. And his Yarmilke had a whole lot to say. Perched there, arguing with me. The audacity of the Yarmulke. It even said that his people only want peace and to protect the innocent lives. His Yarmulke told me the Israeli army even knocks on doors and tries to protect the non-terrorist Palestinians who want to kill his people, by letting them know they have to attack the area. Chutzpah. Knocking on doors."

Before I got up for my piece she asked the MC, "Is he going up." And then she ran out with her friends. Crying. "How can they let a Jew sing?! This is America. I thought this was the land of freedom and acceptance. I hate this country."

She was offended by my Kippah. She saw my Kippah and she couldn't argue against it. My Kippah made the bar a not safe space. The presence of the Yarmulke made the bar non-inclusive.
I was thus quarantined to sit at the bar alone. They almost kicked me out, as my Kippah was arguing too much, and very loudly. Quite disruptive. 
Thank Gd, they didn't kick me out. They were going to kick out my Kippah, but my Kippah didn't break any rules. It just said that Jews are a good, kind and caring people, that hate having to go to war and defend against terror.
Kippahs can be very loud. Especially, the Bucharian ones.

My Performance
When they all left, I asked her friend with the Kafeya, "Is it because I'm Jewish?... You don't have to leave because I'm Jewish. I know we can't dance." He smiled. I didn't know where he stood, as he was wearing his Kafeya on his shoulders. I didn't know if that was an American tradition or or an Arab tradition. It seems like most American college students wear Kafeyas on their shoulders. A style thing.
I know it's not an Arab tradition to wear the Kafeya on the head. Maybe it's a Middle Eastern tradition to wear the Kafeya as a shawl when the weather gets really cold in Ireland. That's probably where it started.

I was amazed at the protest against me and my people in a small bar in Buffalo, New York. But I wore that Kippah with pride and sung some songs about people getting along. "Sing along, even if you're Christian. Be happy that you come from a Jew. Because Gd might love you too. Because you come from a Jew. Sing along, even if you're Muslim. Be happy that you believe in one Gd too. Because Gd might love you too. If you know a Jew..." Peace was the message, and the few sitting there turned into lovers of all. Not lovers of terrorists. Lovers of people. Gd might love them too now.
And they all sung and clapped for me. Everybody except for the Zombie and her friends. They were outside crying that Jews are allowed to sing. In solidarity of all humans, they wanted the Jew out. She wanted to get rid of the Israeli.
In her defense, I was occupying a seat at the bar.

Notes
When I got back from the bathroom, I didn't drink my Diet Coke. I am aware of what story time can do to your drink when you're wearing a Kippah.
I did introduce my songs of peace with, "I will not create any new definitions of genocide. Nor will I talk about genocide. Such as the Armenian genocide, perpetrated by the Young Turks." I am guessing she got her story from story time with Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I had one of those moments of political brilliance and little knowledge. You can share that with your friends.

Postscript About the Kippah
The Kippah is a real buzz killer. There was somebody sitting there with a Yarmulke, killing the performance. It bothered them so much that, because of Israel, they couldn't defile him and burn him at a bar in Buffalo.
If the bouncer was doing his job, he would've kicked out the Kippah. Yarmulkes are loud. They yell, “I am still here.” And that is offensive to anti-Semites.

Now I know why I wear a Kippah. And that is to piss people off.

You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan.
Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married.

The Source
For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for.
The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish.
You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch."

What Is the Labor
It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on.
All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea.

How Much You Must Pay
If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan.
If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee.

Who Pays?
Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans.
If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K.

Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates?
No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question.  Excellent question. There are no rebates.
I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with."

How to Avoid Paying
Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago.
Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas.
Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift.
And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause.
Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment.

What If You Already Like the Girl
Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run.
It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas.

However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married.
The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people being religious and using Kosher laundry detergent, while he speaks of Israeli dancing requiring guns and graffiti not being the way to stop people from peeing on your wall, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing support for religious Jewish models who come heavier.

So. We shall begin the Jewish Dictionary of Frum Words with Hebrew words that begin with 'A.' With that in mind, we will only get up to Amnon's today.

Ad Journal- a) A way to say "mazel tov" for $1,600. Sentence: "We should get to know less people in this community. They're honoring everybody. I'm going to be friends with people nobody likes." See Fundraiser and Day School for why I can’t afford to be Jewish in America, and why my accountant suggested I convert. b) What smart people use for advertisement. Proper Use of Ad Journal: "We at Shloimy's Deli want to wish the Simchavitz family a Mazel Tov on being honored for knowing people and loving our hot corned beef on club with Russian dressing, also known as The Simchavitz. Come on down to Shloimy's in honor of the Simchaviz's to get your hot corned beef Simchavitz style this week, 20% off. A Mazel Tov sandwich."

Accountant- A job that people have, some of whom are Jewish.

Airplane Food/TV Dinner- What Frum Jews eat everywhere they go, where they interact with not Frum people. This includes, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, banquets, their parents’ home. See Bal Tshuva for how to offend parents. Sentence: "We don’t trust the Hashgacha at the wedding. Please bring us the TV Dinner…No. We don’t want the London broil. We enjoy our cuisine vacuum-packed. Good till 2038."

Al Hamichiyah- a) A prayer you say because you want to eat baked grains and fill yourselves up without having to say the long prayer after dinner. Sentence: ‘We had crackers for supper, because we didn’t want to say the Birkas Hamazon. That prayer is too long. I would rather starve than thank Gd that much for bread. I appreciate bread, but not that much. I like the Al Hamichiyah. I like to thank Gd a little.’ b) A prayer you forget to say after you eat.

Aleiynu- a) One of the few prayers everybody knows, because it comes at the end of Davening, when you show up to shul. b) A prayer that has a bowing segment. People bow very low, because they don’t want to get whacked by the people who are folding their Tallis by swinging it, intentionally at my eye. At the end of the prayers, people fold up their Tallis shawls, which have tassels on the corners, and not one of these people is concerned with my safety.

Aliyah- a) Getting called to the Torah. For good Frum Jews it has nothing to do with Israel. b) An honor that shuls give people in order to blackmail them into giving money to the congregation. Sentence: "I got an Aliyah this past Shabbis, and then they made me say I will give a donation. The amount was announced in front of everybody... They gave me an envelope. No stamp. I guess I have to pay for that too. I haven’t used stamps in years." Alternative Sentence: "Now I am in debt. They put me on the spot and I didn’t remember that we already gave money to the Ad Journal." c) Another reason to scream at the Gabai and threaten his family. Sentence: "The piece of... didn't give me an Aliyah." And that sentence finishes with, "And now we have money for the vacation down to Florida."

Aliyah LRegel- Heading to Jerusalem on the pilgrimage festivals, in a car. That was cute, for those who know Hebrew. A Bissel Hebrew pun. You see, in Hebrew "regel" means foot. Now read the first line again. Did you read it? Of course, it’s not funny now.

Am HaAretz- a) Anybody who disagrees with the length of time Davening should be. b) Anybody who says that I am speaking Lashon Hara. c) Anybody who wants to sing another Shabbis Zemer. Sentence: "These Shabbis songs are so fun. I would love to do more of them." Sentence by Frum Jew: "I've been singing these songs for years. I've fulfilled my requirement quota of singing during dinner. I don’t want to sing again. This is not Oneg. Shabbis is about enjoyment, not singing a twenty-minute song, you Am HaAretz." d) Anybody who bows too far during the Amidah. Sentence: "This shul thing is really good for my back. Let me do another penitent move. Stretch out those hamstrings."

Amah- How they measured back in the day. They didn’t use measuring tape. They used the forearm. Similar to taking steps to tell distance. As everybody’s elbow to finger length is different, once you started a project, you needed that same guy there at all times. And they had to not grow.  Sentence: "Where is Shlomo? Wake him up. We have to make sure the pillar is a Shlomo Amah... The Nissin Amah won't work. I told you. We're building this Sukkah in Shlomo size. Low ceilings… You should have gotten a grownup. Shlomo hit a growth-spurt last week. Now the building is crooked. We should've never hired him at fourteen. I told you I'm against child labor." See Tefach for other traditional measurements that we do with people’s appendages.

Amazing Savings- a) Where Jews go shopping, because they sell aluminum pans. Either there or at a store that has "Dollar" in it. Sentence: "I trust Amazing Savings. Are you sure the Dollar Store has tins? If not, then what are we shopping for?" b) The name of a store and what you are going to do. Sentence: "I go there because the savings are amazing." Alternative Sentence: "At Amazing Savings nobody calls me cheap. I feel good when I shop there. It's Amazing. And we're all Saving."

Amen- a) Something you are supposed to say a lot at Shul. b) Response of agreement. Sentence: "You put on weight." Response: "Amen." Continuation of Response: "I don’t like you." Retort: "Amen."

Amidah- a) The silent prayer which is said out loud, together, in not Frum congregations. Sentence: "If everybody can please rise for the silent Amidah and repeat after me." See Shmonah Esrei for how we mess up numbers too. b) Something that takes longer the Frumer you are. Sentence: "I think that guy is still in the middle of the Amidah. It's been 12 minutes. He must be very religious. I can't fall asleep standing like that."

Amnon’s Pizza- a) If you don’t know this, you haven’t been to Boro Park, and thus you aren’t really Jewish. Take a trip to Brooklyn and then you can call yourself Jewish. b) What a pizza shop smells like when you keep strong to tradition, and don’t air it out for 40 years.

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick.