Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
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Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
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Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

We have the traditional signs in Hebrew, known as Simanim, to say how our enemies should die through violent vegetation. What about Simanim for the English speaker? Here are fruit and vegetables and some creative curses in English, that I came up with, to make your Rosh Hashana more meaningful (I will try to rhyme, as rhyming is important for warding off evil):
 
Curses with Fruit & Vegetables
Aubergine- ‘Like a carrot not dressed, may all their eggplants be undressed, with no tahina or bean. Just a plain eggplant, with no identity, confused like aubergine. And dead.’ Death truly adds to this Siman.
Bananas- ‘May our enemies slip on the ground, like a banana that’s been split. And then be scattered, because they split.’ I feel that using the banana split line makes for a good substitute for a rhyme, and it is scary.
Broccoli- ‘May they be broken like broccoli, and have their stem separated from the rest of their tiny tree. And not to be able to mix with any vegetables because they are awesome by themselves.’ I like broccoli too much. Maybe if my enemies knew that, they wouldn’t be enemies.
Brussel Sprouts- ‘May our enemies sprout like a brussel and never turn into a cabbage. But very tasty. Tasty and dead.’
Cantaloupe- ‘May all evil wonder, and not know whether or not they are a deer, like an antelope, when I am eating my cantaloupe. Confused. Not knowing if they're a melon or not. Because it's not in the name.'
Celery- ‘May all evil get stuck with parents who give their kids peanut butter on celery, instead of candy. Not enjoying their snacks.’ This can cause great sadness to our enemies.
Corn- ‘May their hearts be torn, like when I rip into a corn.’ That sounds too much like a spell.
Eggplant- ‘May all enemies be confused like a plant that is called an egg. Thinking that they came from a chicken.’
Fennel- ‘May our enemies die like a dog in a kennel, that was forced to eat fennel, because their owners didn’t care about them.’ I feel bad for that dog.
Kiwi- ‘May all our enemies end up in New Zealand, because there aren’t that many Jews there, and it makes for decent cinematography. Like tasty kiwi, may we still be able to slaughter animals, ritually.’ Sometime our political enemies have to hear our plight. Not just the enemies in shul, who take my seat on Rosh Hashana. Who should die a starfruit death.
Leaves- ‘May our enemies make like trees and leaves.’
Lagenaria- ‘May all evil catch lagenaria, and if that is not a disease, then malaria.’ You can also use, 'May our enemies be cursed with not getting lasagna for dinner, as they were hoping. And end up eating lagenaria.' That's a very strong curse.
Lemons- ‘May life give them lemons.’ That is a curse for people who don’t know how to make lemonade. Sour people.
Naartjie- ‘May our enemies be stuck with oranges for a high fee, like a naartjie. And mandarin themselves in the eyes, and then…’ Got carried away with that South African fruit name.
Orange- Pulling together the trilogy of citrus… ‘May all evil have to listen to jokes about bananas that end with “orange you glad, I didn’t say banana,” with a life full of little kids that can’t tell jokes. Knocking on your door all day, with knock knock jokes, stuck in your mind like a foot in the door hinge, while you're glad you’re not an orange. Who’s there? Orange you glad it’s me?’ Don’t tell this curse to the little ones. It will hurt them too much.
Parsley- ‘May our enemies be stuck with no basil or oil for pesto, and no rosemary. A whole year of Passover, with just salt water and parsley (stuck in the teeth).'
Pear- ‘May our enemies not dare to stare at a pear. Because they are tasty apples, and that would not be fair.’ Ahhhh!!!! Bring it on. The curses are rolling off my tongue. As are the rhymes. 'May our enemies have to listen to rhymes.'
Pickles- 'May they die the slow death of a cucumber that's been pickled. And then have their eyes stung by the juice. Pickled eyes.' This is a horrific curse. You must really hate the enemy to use this one.
Pomegranate- 'May our enemies get hit with a palm that is made of granite.' A palm made of granite would hurt. Brilliance. I know.
Tomato- 'May our enemies be crushed like a tomato, and used for jachnun.'
 
Please note, I kept this in alphabetical order, so that you can reference it.
I hope I am not scaring you, and that this is educational. I just wish I had a greater knowledge of the plantae kingdom and fungi family. My knowledge of monocots is so limited.
Other foods were pulled out over the course of dinner last year, which were not vegetables. Yet, they did not have a curse for it. It was the first course, and they just wanted to eat it. They pulled out fish, and made the blessing, ‘We should all be for a head, and not for a tail.’ The fish fit the Siman perfectly. I like heads and I loved it because that sign was Gummy Fish. Not everybody likes fish, but everybody likes gummies. So, don’t be afraid to use candy to curse out your enemies. ‘May our enemies have bad teeth like one who chews on their lollypop.'
If you're stuck with an apple and honey, you can use, 'May our enemies die like an apple that's stuck in honey, and can't get out.' 
I feel like I am scaring the children right now.

Next year, I will try to give you some blessings. But for now, let's focus on cursing our enemies.

These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them.
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff.
Here are some of the many places they've found me.

Pizza Shops
$2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book.
I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it.
Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels.
Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. 

Shul
I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. 
I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar.
And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. 

Walking
I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur.
I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you.

Bus Stops
I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop.

The Kotel
I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye.
I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?'

Woke up at a Park
He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. 
The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better.

In Line at the Airport
How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though.
I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel.

Shul At the Airport
I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there.
No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give.

At My Seat
I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart.

The Grocery Store
Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity.
He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip.

My Front Door
I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar.
I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? 
​He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared.
Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. 

Soup Kitchen
I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No.

If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza.
If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there.

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.

Sound Angry
They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry.  The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy.
Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word.
Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety.

Ehhhh
Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation.
To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes.

Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows
I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. 
It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk.

Welcome People with a Command
When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it.
The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups.  Very scary.
Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer.

Hello is a Competition
Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost.
Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!'

Command Your Kindness
This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming.
You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, ​'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. 
Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more.

Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English
Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.'

Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There
This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. 
​Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.'
LincoLon. That was the presidentie.

Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong
Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong.
Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them.
You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong.

​Don't Sound American
Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. 
If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off.

We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly.

Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong.

Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.

The House Should Take Up The Whole Property
Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house.
Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall.
The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build.
 
If You Have A Front Lawn Use It
Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living.
​You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. 
 
Don’t Mow It
Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way.
Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress.
 
Mezuzahs on the Doors
All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites.
 
Renovations Should Be Done Always
You always need additions.
You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money.
There should always be a dumpster in front of your home.
 
Minivan in Driveway
You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum.
 
Other Stuff You Can Do
Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside.
Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning.
Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living.
No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. 
Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best.
 
The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.

Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight.
This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. 
Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards.
 
Gorge Before the Fast
Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast.
The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one.
You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier.
Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. 
I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment.

Gorge After the Fast
The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after.
The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. 
The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. 
The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction.
Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me.

It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg.
The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. ​It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple.

Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method.

BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street

Act
To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block.

Problem
I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time.
a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street.
b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point.

Solution
One street name per street.
a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim.
School will be used to educate the children.
b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic.
c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot.
d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple.
We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it.
e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds.

A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
​
Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.

Independence Day is upon us in North America and it's time to think about what that means to us as Jews. Other than complaining about the government and our friends who share their thoughts, what is there to love about American independence? Whether you're Canadian or American, your freedom is here. Let's see what America has given the Jews. 

Jewish Culture and Tradition
That means an Eastern European accent.
I've never met an old British Jew who didn't sound like they were from Britain. American Jews who moved from Europe, sound like they're from Poland. That's Jewish. Sounding like you're speaking Yiddish is Jewish.
The old American Ashkenazik Jew is always speaking Yiddish, even when they're talking in English. Either that or I just can't understand a thing they say. 

A Place to Live
Where were we going to go? We got kicked out of every other country. Were we going to go back to Italy? If America didn't have independence, the Europeans would've kicked us out of America too.

Brooklyn
Brooklyn, the land of the Jewish people, is thanks to America.
Brooklyn has it all. Eichler's bookstore, where Judaica emanates from, and nobody is shocked when people buy CDs. They gave us Avenue J pizza shops and shawarma places. Thanks to Brooklyn, you can have an Israeli experience, and never have to go to Israel. There's Thirteenth Avenue, just one of the many streets we claimed as Jewish. 
I would've mentioned The Lower East Side, but I forgot about it. Like all Jews, I forgot about it. Until I need pickles, The Lower East Side is not in my memory.
Even Kiryas Joel, is thanks to America. Kiryas Joel would never exist in Israel. There is no way that many Satmar Chasidim would make Aliyah on purpose.

Florida
Before Florida, Jews thought they were supposed to move to Israel to connect with their people.

The Mountains
Where do you go to see Brooklyn during the summer? The Mountains. The Catskills, again all thanks to America.
The great hotels and the bungalows. The Mountains is the Jewish American summer experience. It would be Florida, but Jews like to shvitz inside. In the shvitz. Shvitzing outside is for athletes.
​Thanks to American independence, the only colony Jews know is a bungalow.

Freedom of Speech
America allows you to say whatever you want, until people disagree with you and take away your job. Or, until there's an anti-Semite. Other than being attacked for talking, America allows you to say what you want.
We can even complain. The backbone of Jewish community is found in our freedom of speech. If complaining didn't exist, we wouldn't have shul or a board. If we didn't have freedom to complain, what would we say about the rabbi?

Politics
You can hate your government and live there.
It gives us a reason for freedom of speech, other than the rabbi. It's such a gift that our country has given us a reason to hate other people. And then to be able to talk about it. Nothing is better. And then, to be able to say 'I'm offended.' It's all such a joy.

Entertainment
Hollywood with British accents wouldn't work.
The only movies I don't have to watch with subtitles is thanks to America. When a British person talks, I need subtitles. I can't understand a word they're saying. They might as well be speaking Yiddish.
I still haven't watched Shtisel, because the Israelis don't have an American accent.
And Sports. Is there anything better than American sports, allowing our Jewish children to get involved and own something?!

Country Clubs
Americans have banned Jews from so many places. The country club that bans Jews is such a joy. There's no better place for a Jew to go to enjoy themselves.

Summer Camps
No other country offers parents a way to get rid of their children for two months, other than the army. The summer camp experience has brought so much happiness to Jewish parents. We have America to thank for that.
Not having kids around is the independence we're truly celebrating on July 4th. 

Kosher Food
You can travel in America and find Kosher food. It's easier to tell what's kosher, when it's written on the package.
Ever tried traveling in England? You have to guess if it's kosher. You see a product in Britain and you take a stab at it. You don't make a blessing. You open the package, you take a bite and pray that God doesn't kill you. In America you don't have to guess if you're going to Gehenim.
Now they have a British app to tell you what's Kosher, if you can find anything on there. You go to England and hang out at the entrance to the grocery, where they have reception, and try to do a search for kosher products. Then you go down the aisles and forget if it's kosher. And then you go to hell because of the app.

Pizza
We wouldn't have pizza. That comes from New York.

Monster Truck Rallies
In American, it's clear to the Jewish people where they shouldn't be. You don't go to monster truck rallies, rodeos or WWE. 

America is not Britain. America gave us that.
Happy July 4th and Canada Day. Just be happy we're Jews and we're not in Europe.

I have never celebrated so many people accomplishing nothing. Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate. And I have to say 'Mazel Tov.' Here are three graduations I just witnessed, that made no sense.
 
Nursery School Graduation
A graduation celebrated with little kids singing and screaming the 'Hatikva' at the same time. Parents sit and watch this spectacle of their tone-deaf child, while trying to figure out if they will also not be smart when they grow up too.
Cute to everybody else, this pathetic display hits its climax when your child, Sara, ends up giving up on her own graduation and sitting on your lap. At which point, you have to carry Sara back to her seat and put the paper circle hat back on her head. Part of this festivity is you having to muster up the Nachis for your graduating child while sitting up there with Sara and the other four-year-olds, singing 'The Ants Go Marching One By One.'
Don’t acknowledge the other parents who think their kids are smart, because they were able to find their seats with their pictures on it.
 
Nursery School non-Graduation
This is to celebrate your narcissistic three-year-old who isn't graduating and doesn’t have the ability to share in other kids’ happiness. Between us, their face was not on the seat. They just took it. The other kids finished nursery school and deserve a celebration, as they are now ready to take on life with their ability to share LEGOs. LEGOs that are 280 times the size of a normal LEGO.
The LEGOs were brought up at the inspirational Nursery Commencement Speech. That's how I know about the LEGO and their importance in a child's development of climbing stuff.
We add your three-year-old into the graduation party by cutting out a paper and making a circle out of it, and then stapling it. The cut paper circle hat demarks all celebrations for children, until they reach fourth grade. At which point they show up to everything in shorts.
 
Kindergarten Graduation
Celebrate this kid finishing kindergarten by handing them a diploma they can’t read. This time the official diploma has a little Hebrew on it, that you also can’t read.
I don’t know if you can consider a graduation official, if the graduate can’t read their own diploma. Nonetheless, there's nachis to be had, as your child Aced naptime. Again, this graduation is celebrated with singing and screaming the 'Hatikva,' and a stapled paper circle strip.
 
To the little ones, enjoy it. Nobody will care about you after third grade.
To you, my friend, just say 'Mazel Tov' to these people. The parents need to hear it. For support. And take pictures. It's cute to see the kids thinking they did something, thinking it's normal to put a paper circle on your head. Until you're eight, it's normal. 
What's not normal is the guy with the guitar. It's creepy. We're still asking why the guy with the guitar is there, wearing shorts. He might be preparing for summer camp. We have no idea how he became part of the graduation.

Whatever you're celebrating, make it a real Simcha by cutting a paper and making a circle out of it, stapling it and putting it on your head.
Next time, we shall discuss every other graduation, guised as a celebration, recital or fair.

Hosting a Shabbat dinner is not easy, especially when you live in a bigger city and people say 'yes' when you invite them. Single people live in big cities as well, playing the odds that they will somehow end up at a Shabbat meal with their Bashert, intended spouse, right there. Hence, I will focus on feeding single people as well, when thinking about amounts, as they will show up even if you didn't invite them. So, be prepared for them.
You already know there is going to be a lot of people or leftovers. So, cook a lot. With that said, here is some cooking advice.

Cook Something Decent
You have to cook. That's all people will be talking about. Nobody cares about your kid graduating high school. They don't care. They're there for the food. That's what they're focused on. If your child graduated culinary arts college, that would be a discussion.
You don't want somebody tasting your Kugel and saying, 'Wow. This is really good. How did you make it?' And then you have to answer them with, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask Manischewitz.'
Using the mixes is fine. Everybody that makes Matzah ball soup and split pea soup, we know where you got it. They all lie. 'Family recipe'??? The family recipe of Manischewitz. The point is that you've got to put a spin on it. Cook the Manischewitz and add garlic. Then you can say, 'A dab of garlic.'

Cook A Lot
More important than what you're serving is how much. A lot is the goal. There is no greater compliment than 'they had a lot of food.' That says it all.
It makes no difference how many people are coming. The more you have on that table the more religious you are. That's the equation which determines the good religious Frum Jew. Ten pots and four tin trays on the table, you're a righteous family with a place in heaven. One pot and no tins, you're a heretic and nobody is eating off your dishware. Small plate on a bigger plate, you're a heretic. Everything should be served on the bigger plates, with bigger forks. That's the only way you can feed people correctly on Shabbat. Soup spoon? Ladle.
The real goal is leftovers. If you have no leftovers, you've failed your guests. You've also failed your family and God. Your kids will starve, as Frum people don't cook during the week. As a Frum Jew, you cook for Shabbis and leftovers.
Remember to have one decent dish. As long as you have one decent dish, mixed in the fourteen trays and pans, you're good to go. If they see a lot, that's what's important. They gravitate to that one dish and they still see a lot. Win win.

Overcook
That seems to have developed into a religious cooking style. You don't look at the choolante when you let it cook for twenty hours, so don't check the kugel, meat or rice. If it gets real bad, the smoke detector will catch it.
Until choolante, I didn't realize that you can burn something when cooking it on low. As I've learned, the best policy is to use a crockpot. This way, you can overcook the food, and it's still edible and juicy, and burnt.

Make a Salad
If they're not religious, they will enjoy this. Frum Jews stick to cooked brown stuff. Non-religious people like salads. If you're stuck with the non-religious people, you can tell them the Tzimis is a religious salad. You can also tell them the Kugel is a quiche. Heretics love quiche.

Scream At the Kids
When preparing the food, yell at the children. That is the only Shabbat preparation tradition that is practiced by all Jews, no matter their denomination.
Make sure they clean the floors. Scream at them for that, even if they're scrubbing well. Yell at them for not showering at the right time. And scream at them when making the soup. It helps with the cooking process.

Use Tin
Tin pans. Use them for everything. As a religious community we've gotten to the point of not using other dishware. We even have a tin pan holder contraption, to make a tin pan as classy as it can get. You drop that tin pan into metal wire. Class. This way you look like a mensch for the guests.
From the oven to the table. That's how you serve. They'll notice that you're serving out of a tin pan, and they will respect your commitment to tradition. However, add the metal wire holder, and you're a classy person that cares about their ancestors.

No Potluck
Singles do that. It looks pathetic and it is not fun being a guest. you don't invite guests to bring the food to the meal you invited them to. You might as well ask them to eat at their place. It's pathetic. You might as well tell them you that you trust their standard of Kashrut, and you're not religious.
If a guest brings something, like a cake they baked, and you want to show you're Frum, take their cake and trash it. Truth is, they probably brought the cake to test you. To see if you are religious or not. They will respect you for throwing their cake out.

When all is said and done, it's time to put the tin pans in the fridge. Now, the kids have food for the week. If we haven't learned anything, food should never leave the tins. They should only be covered in tinfoil. 
And remember to scream at the kids while cooking. It's very important to yell at the children to fulfil the tradition.

What to cook? We'll deal with that next time. For now. Just know that it has to be a lot. A lot and in tins. And a salad, just in case a heretic shows up. Baby steps in your religious growth.
Next time we shall discuss different Shabbat food groups and take out.

Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot.
 
Bring Your Children
They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. 
If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.
Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.​

Learn in Chavrusa Form
Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand.
Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury.
There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye.
Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out.

Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult
As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze.
The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them.
 
Board Games
Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria.
I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning.
Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat.
You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer.
 
Have a Friend Smack You
If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker.
It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.
Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah.

Wrestling
This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions.
Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. 
If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it.

If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. 
If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain.

Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night

Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, is here and I want to take you to the some of my favorite spots outside the Old City, going towards the entrance of town. I love it all. The history. The immigrants. The movies with Hebrew subtitles. The ancient passport looking thing that pops up at the beginning of the movies. I love it all. In honor of Jerusalem Day, let's connect with some of the places I love in the new Holy City.
 
Tachana Merkazit
Jerusalem is about tradition and that is Jerusalem’s central bus station, the Tachana Merkazit. They have not cleaned it since 1998. You think your favorite store in Israel closed. It's at the Tachana Merkazit; keeping Israeli tradition alive with the chicken-dog hotdog stand and the Tshirt store that sells Tshirts with no thread count. One-time-use only clothing, sold along with disposable plates.
The safest place in the city, you'll also notice the extra security setup, to ensure that you miss your bus. Allowing you to enjoy Jerusalem longer.
 
Light Rail
I love the new tram and any form of transportation I don’t have to pay for, if I don’t get caught.
 
Shuk Machane Yehuda
Prices shouted out loud, I love shopping there. There's no greater feeling than a retailer letting me know what to purchase,  by yelling at me. In America, I'm thinking too much, wasting time. I have no idea what vegetable I want. In the Shuk market, they scream at me, I am scared, I buy it. And I'm back home in no time with avocados.
 
Nut Shops
Any nut spot. Open nut stands. I'm taking that stuff for free. If you don’t ask, it’s free. There's nothing like the huge peanuts and sunflower seeds. Israel has mastered making sunflower seeds that easily pop out, making for great Shabbat enjoyment. The greatest part of all is that you can spit them out anywhere in the Shuk.
 
Machane Yehuda Bars
There's nothing like evening time at Machane Yehuda, when the place turns into one big bar that you're walking through. The only place where it's legal to drink on the street, because the bar is located there. 

Meah Shearim
The streets are thriving. Jewish bookstores are everywhere. I didn’t know so much Judaica could exist. Growing up in Rochester, I thought the glass showcase at the shul was all the Judaica. I didn’t know there was anything more to Jewish art than a Mezuzah in Claymation form.
The area is the most lively in the city. Religion in living form. You can feel the hustle, the constant movement, the excitement of people running to find choolent. Choolent twenty-four hours a day. In Meah Shearim, it's Shabbis all week long. It's like Monsey.
 
Pizza Uri
Better than Pizza Hut, this place has the ultra-Orthodox Pizza sauce, and they created it. There is nothing like Charedi sauce, and I'm willing to buy pizza to get it.
Charedi sauce is a spicy mayonnaise style dunking sauce for the pizza that adds all of the flavor and makes you believe in God. To change Israeli pizza into something that tastes good is a miracle. In addition, Pizza Uri offers separate seating, so I don’t have to worry about spilling the sauce on myself. Amazing.
 
Ben Yehuda
A little taste of Israel, if Israelis were American Yeshiva kids. Nothing makes me more excited than walking down a huge sidewalk.
Some call it a promenade. I just think of it as a place that cars should not be driving down, because it's illegal. They should have a sign, 'This is a very big sidewalk. We messed up the flow of traffic when we planned this. Don't drive here. Go wait at the light with all the other cars.'
 
Café Rimon
Everything else may leave Ben Yehuda, Café Rimon and the one hat store on the top will not. Tradition.
 
The Falafel King
I love the name. The sovereignty it claims over its pita. The Shawarma Sultan, The Sabich Ruler, I love restaurants that claim dictatorship.
It's still only 10 shekels or so for a falafel, as low prices is how you control the commoners.
 
The Dollar Store
I love that all products are five shekels. In The Dollar Store, the dollar went up before the American Dollar Tree ever though to raise the dollar to a buck twenty-five. The Dollar Store gives me hope. That is the best rate you will get.
 
Off The Wall Comedy Theater
I perform there. No better time found in all of Jerusalem. Now located at the King Solomon Hotel.

The Sidewalks
I love it all. I love walking down the sidewalks made of Jerusalem stone, in the spring, when I don’t slip on them. Then, I see the homes made of Jerusalem Stone. I love how our city claimed limestone as ours, scientifically.
Yes. I love the whole city. It all looks the same. You love one neighborhood, you love them all.

I love anywhere in Jerusalem that has Jerusalem Stone. If there is falafel, there is tradition. To me, that's meaningful. It's the meaning of Jerusalem, the connection with our tradition and Tshirts that come apart when I wash them, that I connect with on Jerusalem Day.
I hope that you feel like you're in Jerusalem right now, or Monsey.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.

Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death. 
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time.

No Rainbows
Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers.
Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would  make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too.
No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them.
When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. 

Bows Are All The Same
The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire.
Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. ​You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch.

Ideas for Childhood Danger
As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi:
Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it.
Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time.
Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen.
Have them eat with their mouths open.
Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves.
Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger.
Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. 
Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire.
Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want.

Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street
If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires.
If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking.
In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows.
If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave.

Take Away
The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire.

​Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good.
Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives.  Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats.
Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period.
 
Immigrant by Clothes
Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:

• Polo symbol on shirt – 1985
• Tommy Hilfiger – 1996
• Girbaud sign on jeans – 1993
• Shoulder pads – any year in the 1980s
• ACDC shirt – 1979
• iPod shuffle on sleeve – 2008
• Bell-bottoms – 1971 or 2006
• Corduroy – hand-me-downs from any decade
• Parachute pants – Fan of Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer. I don't believe that style lasted a full year.
• Jean skirt – 1980s or girl who is still in seminary
• Members Only jacket – 1987
• Free Soviet Jewry scarf – 1987 with style
• Jerusalem No for Sale Tshirt – 1988
• Non-ironed shirt with fraying collar – 2003 or boy who is still in yeshiva
• Anything you have to iron – pre-1998
• Breeches – 1490-1920 or you moved from England.
• Turban – 1200s or friend of the Rambam
• Spandex – Girl living in 2010 and on that is not Frum, or a big fan of aerobics in the 1980s. 
• Leg Warmers – 1980s die hard aerobics fan.
• Pants that are really tight and not breeches – Still living in New York
• Anything brought to a cleaners, to make sure it is spick and span – not an Oleh (that person still lives in America)
• Double-breasted suit – 1986-1991 or a hand-me-down that the Oleh cannot figure out how to button right.
• Paisley Anything – From dad, or something the Salvation Army rejected.
• Nefesh BNefesh shirt – 2001 and on. Cannot tell the year, as the shirt is free. Prior Olim may also wear the shirt, as they have shown up to the Nefesh BNefesh office and explained that the grandfather clause allows them rights to the T-shirt. 
• Hand-me-downs – Complicate the Aliyah equation. They surpass all style, as they are cheaper, and thus part of the Oleh wardrobe. Personally, I have thirty-two sports jackets in Israel. I have not purchased one of them. All hand-me-downs, and I will not donate one of them. Dates of hand-me-downs can be up to seventy years off the Oleh's Aliyah year. For this reason, if you have any questions as to whether or not it's a hand-me-down, try to do get a hold of their Oleh ID card.

As may be seen, all 1980s styles lasted the whole decade. For this reason, we just say that most Olim that made Aliyah in the 1980s made Aliyah in the '80s. It's too hard to tell which year the jean skirt is from. To make it more confusing, some Members Only Jackets were made in 1984. So, we just say 'they made Aliyah in the '80s.'
​
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs.
Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class.

Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration? 
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. 

Salt Water
You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there.
If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land.

Go to the Park
The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house.

Play Football on a Basketball Court
Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal.
Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics.
 
Skip Work
No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord.

Wave Israeli Flags
Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political.
If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there.
If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety.

Sit in Traffic
You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour.
Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper.
 
Israeli Dancing
The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community.
Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence.

For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home
I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak.
If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent.

Shpritz People With Stuff
Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. 
Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well.
The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids.
 
Say Hallel
If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this.

Vote
Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it.
Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much.

Eat Falafel
Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day.
Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel.

If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill.

The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.

Blood
Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet.
You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. 
I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice.

Frogs
Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. 
Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two.

Lice
If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends.

Wild Animals or Flies
If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself.
Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined.
Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined.

Livestock Pestilence
Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast.

Boils
Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink.
Those things are embarrassing. 
They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing.

Hail
I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. 
Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for.

Locusts
They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ.
They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment.

Darkness
You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights.
Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils.

Killing of The Firstborn
This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. 

I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. 
Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out.

I've been working as a Mashgiach for many years, and I've learned that there are tricks to the trade that one must know for legitimate Kosher supervision. Here are some of the trade secrets for anyone who wants to be an acceptable Kosher supervisor.

Get Good at Seeing Small Things
Lettuce checking is key. Take pride in it. Hold up that leaf with confidence that you can find a creature in there. 
If you can't find a bug in a vegetable, you should lose any Mashgiach license given you. If you can't watch over a fruit, you should not be trusted to watch over a kitchen. Before allowing anybody to be a Mashgiach, they should have a test to ensure you're not farsighted. To note: There is no greater feeling than finding an insect in a vegetable. That's nachis. Grandchildren are nothing next to a meadow spittlebug.

Know Your Symbols
Get good at finding 'O's. You have to find small letters on packages as well. That, along with turning on fires. You have to be able to find letters and turn on fires. Never trust a professional chef with a fire. That's why we have Kosher people turning on the pilot lights.
Basic rule: Any shape of a state with a letter in it is Kosher. And any 'O' that doesn't have a 'R' in it is Kosher. Any randomly flying 'K's on the package, the Kosher world has not figured out if that's Kosher yet.

Make It Look Like You're Doing Something
When you walk in, tap the meat. Say 'I'm here,' and walk through the kitchen while looking over people's shoulders that are trying to prepare the food. Check their onions while they're sauteing them. If they're comfortable with you around, you're not doing your job.
If you have no idea what you're doing with your time, give feedback on the onions themselves. You don't have to be a cook to do that. Nor do you have to be a Mashgiach to do that.

Sit and Learn
Your job is to be the religious Jewish guy. Learning is what good religious Jews do. That's what you should be doing. Sit and learn and stay away from the kitchen. People will trust you, even if you didn't check anything. As long as you're learning. 
Bitul Torah, taking time away from learning Torah, is a sin. If anybody asks you to check if the dish is Kosher, the right thing to say is, 'I'm learning and I believe in H."' That will let them know that you care about Torah. That should be enough for them to feel comfortable as Jews, even if the food wasn't checked.

Make a Big Deal When You Tell Them The Empire Chicken is Good to Use
You want job security. Let them know with authority that it's Kosher. Even slap the chicken for emphasis. 'Empire is good. Cook it.' Even if they're grilling it, just yell out, 'Cook it.'
Anything you know, you should express enthusiasm and get involved for that moment. You're limited in Kosher knowledge, as you have no idea how to slaughter, so make sure they know how good you are at finding letters in outlines of states.
You see a bug, yell it out, 'I found one.' Celebrate. Do a Siyum if you must. Take pride in your detective abilities. You'll naturally want to have a Simcha, possibly break into a Horah or a one handed side to side kick, once you find a bug. It just happens. That joy simply touches a man's soul.

Eat as Much as You Can
Whatever they pay you, it's not enough. Make sure you're eating at least twelve bucks an hour's worth. More than that, you have a requirement to eat. How is anybody supposed to know it's Kosher if the Kosher guy isn't eating it. How Kosher is it if the Kosher guy is only eating small portions? These are questions people ask, so make sure you are sitting there and eating.

Make a Big Deal About Something
​Otherwise, they're going to question what you're doing there. The issue is that some nonJews don't value Torah and eating. And share any knowledge you have, as that exudes authority. If anybody asks you what kind of meat it is, you tell them 'brisket.'
If you can say something is wrong, say it. Focusing on negative makes you look like a leader. Reach over and say, 'Can't do that.' Even if it's something about American foreign policy, reach over and say 'no.' Connect it to Kosher. 'If they attack the Ukraine, the meat won't be slaughtered in the ritually correct way. Toss the salmon.' They'll understand that you know Kosher.

Check Everything
Remember, Mashgiach means supervisor. So, even if you're only making fifteen bucks an hour, you're the boss.
When they come in, check their coats. Check their pockets. You don't know if they're stealing anything. Check to see what skin lotions they are using. Nobody wants dry unmoisturized hands in their food.
Remember, you're a supervisor. Oversee everything. Be sure to criticize when you have a chance. People are wearing an off outfit, mock it. Supervise that. Get involved in breaks. The more you keep busy telling other people what to do, the more of a supervisory role you are playing.

Talk Yiddish When Other Mashgiachs Are Around
Yiddish is the Kosher language of America, because it's not English. Even if you don't know Yiddish, do a high pitch of the few Yiddish words you know. Larry David employs the Yiddish high pitch mumble beautifly in Curb Your Enthusiasm. 
Anything you do is Kosher when it's Yiddish. I overheard somebody at Kiddish explaining, 'Nu. I don't know if I'm a fan. Not to plotz for. The burger at Wendy's is a bissel dry.' Vus is dus? You're going to tell them Wendy's isn't Kosher?

Wear a Blazer
You don't have to work when you're wearing a blazer. Better yet, a suit. Nobody asks people to do physical labor when they're wearing a suit. Hence, real rabbis wear suits. 
It also looks more supervisory to wear a jacket. Better yet, wear a tuxedo. People may even wish you a Mazel Tov for not helping.

Make a Big Deal About Pesach
When Pesach comes, throw everything in the Kitchen out. Any questions asked to you as a Mashgiach, 'Throw it out.' They ask about the oven, 'Throw it out.' Counters, in the trash.
If you can, blow torch the place, do it. It looks good when a rabbi walks through the kitchen with exposed fire. It lets them know who's truly in charge. It also instills the necessary fear in the staff who are thinking of treifing up the place.

Whatever you do, make sure they call you a rabbi. Even if you have a high school Torah education, just go by rabbi. Exploit that. If they call you rabbi, you don't have to help. And they will respect you for that.

I wasn't allowed to go to a Shabbat meal the other week, because I was too old. That kind of got me thinking about how off an old single person looks in the Jewish community. I love Shabbat and the holidays. To the rest of the community, though, it looks off. To the community, it's an anomaly to enjoy Shabbat alone. 
Holidays as a single person look off. Just being in the shul without a Tallis, something is off. They know you're old and single. You've got greys and everybody can see your suit jacket. Something is wrong, and it scares them. You can camouflage the singleness with a Tallis, but then you won't meet any ladies at shul. It's a catch-22. And it's wrong to checkout girls in the middle of the Amidah, even if that's what you should be doing.
Single women somehow find a way to look normal. The men look off. Hence, I'm going to focus mainly on the men while we discover the real reasons why old singles can't celebrate with community.

Old Singles People Look Weird
Guy without the Tallis. They're looking. Guy jumping on the floor to get candy at the Bar Mitzvah, because you don't have a kid to get you a Sunkist jelly. They're looking. Old single guy handing out candy to the kids. They've got their eyes on you. And you're scaring the children.
Girls can also look weird in the Frum community. Girl without a sheytel. They're looking. They know. That looks messed up. Nobody's hair looks better without a wig.

Nephews and Nieces Wonder
You can't pick them up and pinch their cheeks. Nowadays, old single men get locked up for that stuff.
And then your nephew is called a 'Ba'al Habayit,' a 'man of the house,' because they're twenty and married, and you're called a 'Bachur,' a 'boy,' because you're sixty-five and not married. When all this 'man' has ever accomplished is getting his parents to pay the rent. And then, the smart niece asks you again, where your kids are.
Old single women look normal around nephews and nieces. Pinch the cheeks, hold them, steal them from their parents. Take them to parks with nobody knowing. They even talk in a hipitch voice that makes them look like a good aunt. Old single men can't talk in a hipitch. That's why their nephews and nieces hate them, and don't want them around for the holidays. They need hipitch voices.

Purim Costumes
The only time old single people are allowed to enjoy dressing up is when they're going to an '80s themed party. You can't dress up for Purim. No matter the situation, I would question anybody dressed as Richard Simmons.
Ever seen an old single man dressed up for Purim? Lock him up. Single forty year old men should know better than to dress in a costume. They should also know better than to say a kid's costume is cute. They shouldn't notice kids' wearing costumes. That will get them in trouble. 
Groggers? That's not a question. Old single people can't use those noise makers. You get locked up for that. 'Creepy Grogger guy who thinks the kids in costumes are cute.'

​Purim Carnival
Ever seen an old single man at a Purim carnival? Lock him up. 'He showed to the Purim carnival too.'

Purim Gift Baskets
Ever seen an old single man giving Mishloach Manot to kids? Lock him up. Why are they giving the kids candy?

Pesach Singles Seder
Nobody invites us. It's weird to have the whole table going around with the youngest of each family saying the Mah Nishtana. Then you have the forty year old single guy reading for his family, also standing next to the head of the Seder. And the question arises again, 'Where are his kids? Something is wrong.' You end up being every question at the Seder.
I had a singles seder last year. Some of the traditions are different when celebrating without kids. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. Talking of pathetic, I didn't find it. Couldn't get the bike I wanted.

Sukkah Hopping
Nothing is more fun than hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah and get different forms of gummies.
Ever seen an old single guy hopping? Lock him up.

Simchas
Can't show to those. They still sit me at the kids table. They figure, the kids are single, David is single, they should sit together. Between us, I kind of like the chicken fingers.
Bar Mitzvah at the kids table is even worse, especially when you're the best friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy, and you're sitting right next to him, between the other twelve year olds. Showing to Simchas is just a chance to get yourself locked up.

Shabbat Meals
Can't do those. I called the Chabad guy about a singles dinner. He said, 'We do meals for people in their twenties and thirties.' It turns out, ​I'm too old to eat a Shabbat meal. I'm not allowed to eat food with other people on Shabbat. It scares them.
It's Chabad's rule. It’s a rule for all singles events. Sometimes they even put it on the event, to keep away the scary people, ‘Ages 20-35.’ Old single people have to eat by themselves. And find joy in that. If the younger people see an older person keeping Shabbat, they might think that Shabbat did that to them.​

Can't Celebrate Eating With Other Single People
That’s a lonely fest. Ten old single people together is ten times as lonely as eating by yourself. Everybody at the table is like, 'Where are the kids?' 
You just sit there and feel bad for the girl across from you. You can't enjoy a choolante when you know she did a great job cooking it, and you still have no idea how to ask her out.
Worse is potluck dinners, where you're invited to bring the food for the other singles. If you're lucky and you're not the only one bringing food, the rest of the food is also cold. Note of Advice: You can't host a meal and not provide food, having people walk a mile on Shabbat, and expect the Kugel to be warm.

Uncle in the Corner Visiting for the Holiday
You sit, you look off. Sitting in shul with no kids, you've got to find a decent non-visible spot. All the kids are next to your brother-in-law and all you can tell the people sitting next to you is, 'I love them... They're not mine.' It's off.
Single guy reaches forty, they stop asking his sister about him, to see if they have a good match. They start asking about him to find out what's wrong.
At the table, they don't even respect you anymore. They sit you in the corner, out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to explain. 'That’s the pathetic one. He's sitting in the corner, because he has no family. It's fine.... The one sitting over here, that's Aunt Lisa. She's great. She's single and fifty. The kids love her. She sounds like one of those Teletubbies. She was even telling us about this Shabbat meal she was allowed to eat at last Shabbat.' 

Message
Get married and you won't look as pathetic. Even get married to the wrong person. It looks better, and you won't get locked up for being a person.

In the times of Megilat Esther we were commanded to 'send food portions, man to his friend.' Known as Mishloach Manot, this is how we are commanded to celebrate Purim, along with gifts to the poor and more food for us. (Esther 9:22) 'Days of feasting and happiness, sending of portions to one another, and presents to the poor.' It all means food. As the rabbis realized very quickly, Jews can only be happy with food. The entertainment will be complained about, but the food will be complained about and enjoyed.
So the Jews decided to send food to one another in the form of wicker baskets. Wicker is very easy to clean if there is a spill. There were a lot of spills back then, as packaging wasn't good in the BCEs.
And then there was Easter. So, all Jews started buying whatever they could find on sale, to give to their friends. Walmart had a whole section of bunnies and chocolate, and that is how we see chocolate eggs in our Mishloach Manot, along with Kinder eggs. They then decided to also give the tiny bottles of alcohol they were able to steal from ELAL. And then Haddar started selling Hamentashen at Costco. Thus, the Hamentashen people get in their Mishlaoch Manot. Unmarked Hamentashen, made by Haddar, the new taste of kosher, hand pulled from the plastic package, in sandwich bags. Unpackaged, making crumbs in your Mishloach Manot, as in ancient times. And then people started receiving a lot of Mishloach Manot, and they tried to figure out how to save it for the following Halloween, or to hand it to a neighbor they didn't think about when making their own Mishloach Manot.. 

At first, Mishloach Manot were only sent to one person, to fulfil the commandment of 'portions.' That became very overwhelming for some families, who had just started cleaning out their fridge and preparing for Pesach. To quote Bernie: 'In the 1950s, we just found it easier to give our gift packages in bulk form... To tell the truth. We threw everything we could into that package. Anything we could get rid of. We had Pesach coming up, and getting the junk-food out of the house was paramount. Most of our sweets were Chametz. Anything leftover from last year, we sent it. Anything we found on sale, we sent it. We sent it all. Any candy we found, we threw it right into that bag. A lunch bag. It was clear that it was stuff we had to get out of the house. Leftovers? They were all in there. We even sent somebody a bit piece of chicken leg.'
Picking up on this, the world of wicker started making smaller Purim sized baskets. Hence, Mishloach Manot were something that were something you had to give to everybody in the community. Ending with the most important tradition of forgetting somebody, and offending them. I have witnessed new Purim enemies in my community every year. Tradition. 
And that is how we end up with small wicker and plastic packages, full of Easter eggs, a bunny, Hershey's Kisses in Christmas themed packaging, Hamentashen from Haddar that will last through next Purim, a thimble sized bottle of Johnny Walker, and plastic cling wrap, showing up at your door, from the Cohens, with a note written out to the Cohens, for the Cohens to have a Happy Purim. Not you.
The Cohens didn't need the Chametz either. And they didn't care enough about you, to write your name on it. Maybe they just wanted to gloat, that the Schwartzs thought about them and gave them stuff.

I don't know where the hundred gram chocolate bar tradition started. I wish I had a good answer as to the origins of that tradition. Bite size chocolate makes sense, as there are leftovers from Halloween, and thus, part of our tradition.
Maybe some wealthy Jews got involved and were giving the nonJewish kids full chocolate bars for Halloween. Be it what it is, I have never come across full size chocolate bars on sale. I've only found Halloween bite size on sale at The Christmas Tree Shop. For that matter, tradition of giving out small packages of Mike and Ikes in wicker has also found its way into many communities.
For that matter, bottles of Kedem grape juice in Mishloach Manot is also religiously questionable, as they are not tiny, and most of them are Kosher for Pesach; thus, there is no reason to get rid of them.
A large bottle of vodka may find its way into Mishloach Manot, when you have a friend who has too many kids. Even so, whiskey is better, as you may want to unload that for Pesach.

No tradition of fruit was ever part of Mishloach Manot, as that brings happiness to nobody. Dried fruit may be added, as sugar has been concentrated in those, and you have leftovers from Tu BShvat. That is how the dried fruit tradition started in the 1600s.

The Frum community decided to stick with wicker and plastic bowls. That is what you have today in the Frum community.
The less Frum communities have adapted the paper plate Hamentashen. Choosing origami over tradition. The good thing about the paper plate Hamentashen is that there's a limit to how much it holds. With the staples on the sides (staples is how Jews do origami- it holds together better that way), heightening it, there is a limit to how much overflow the plastic cling wrap can retain.
All communities now pick-up their Mishloach Manot accouterments at The Christmas Tree Shop. Another Jewish tradition began in the 1990s. 
Please note that you cannot make a decent Hamentash out of a plastic plate. They crack and it looks like the bakery messed up your pastry. Another note, while we are noting historical facts. Kinder eggs have been banned from Mishloach Manot, as the kids would rather eat the figurines than play with them.

No tradition of masks and groggers in your Mishloach Manot was ever developed. They are not edible and thus useless. What you see in the children Mishloach Manot bags are just for kids to enjoy the holiday and throw on the floor. If they had bite size masks, the tradition to add them to Mishloach Manot might have developed. 
Next time, we will delve into the traditions of the Purim kid bags that come in cone form. We will also research when cleaning began. We believe modern day cleaning up began with the first children leaving their wrappers on the floor in the year 118 CE.

Many have asked about the tradition of sending cake and pancake mixes. That is forbidden. It is not enjoyable to have to cook. The commandment is to be happy, and that happens with pre-made food. Though it's not tradition to send brisket, as it brings more Simcha (happiness) to eat it oneself, it may be done. If you are wealthy and have somebody else cooking for you, it's fine to send brisket, along with the full chocolate bars.

The card has always caused problems. The tradition of having somebody's name attached to the recipient part of the Mishloach Manot was put there to ensure that Jews didn't get along. The ancient tradition made sense, when they would literally send Mishloach Manot through messengers. However, they stopped the tradition of sending the Mishloach Manot, in the year 1643, once they realized that the messengers were eating the chocolate on the way.

I am happy to answer any of your questions about Jewish history.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.