No chance you're walking away from the Seder without an upset stomach. To note, the holiday has turned into a way to pass on gift platters to your friends.
Seders are about questions. Asking questions is what the Kabbalists had in mind when they created the Tu BShvat Seder.
Here are the questions from my Tu BShvat Seder last year. Use them to make your Seder more meaningful. People Trying to Figure Out Why There is So Much Dried Fruit at the Seder Why are we only eating dried fruits on this night? Why are we eating almonds with no salt? Why on all other nights are our peanuts salted and enjoyable? Why is my stomach hurting? Why does this hurt more than milk? Why do we have a holiday to care for the environment and vegetarians? Is this holiday about the environment? Why are we using plastic silverware? Don’t we do enough for the environment by not driving on Shabbat? Can we eat one of those apples that’s sitting on the counter? If I like apples and I don’t like dried fruit, can I please eat an apple? If it is not tradition, can I please eat an apple? How does eating fruits and vegetables make you fat? How can you get fat when eating healthy? People Confused About Israel’s Undergrowth What are the seven species of Israel? Can I ask that question again? Is pomelo not one of the seven fruits of the Holy Land? Are you sure? Why is this so confusing? Then why do they sell it in the shuk? Yes. Should sunflower seeds not be one of the seven species? Why are Bamba peanut butter puffs not a specie? Are they not a vegetarian food? Are they not made in Israel? Why are they so tasty? If almonds are not one of the seven species of Israel, then can we please pull out the salted ones? Why is salt so good? Will somebody please get me another cup? My plastic cup already has some wine. I want another one for the cola of Israel. Questions About the Environment and the People Who Care Why did the Jewish National Fund (JNF) take my money for a tree when I was a child? Where is my tree? Why did The Jewish National Fund take money from me in kindergarten and never tell me where they planted my tree in Israel? What happened to the Dead Sea? Is it solidarity with the trees to not sit on chairs? Why don’t you pay for us to do yoga? Why is he laying down on our couch? No, you can’t sleep here. You’re here for the Seder. Why did you just drool on our pillow? Why don’t you recycle something for once?!!! Why don’t you take out the garbage every once in a while?!!! Why are we witnessing a family fight? Why have you never reused a plastic bag? Why are you the only guy still shopping without one of the big clothy supermarket bags? Why do those rip too? I don’t know. Why are people still driving non-solar cars? How are we saving the environment on Shabbat when we are leaving on the lights the whole day? Why am I sitting next to this heretic that just asked that? Where are the kids? Are they happy? Are they eating the rum raisin ice cream? Why on all other nights do I like food and have a settled stomach? There were a lot of fights at that Seder. I think people got mad so many questions got asked. It extended the Seder real long. I don’t think any of the questions got answered. Though, at points, people did respond to questions with angrier questions. Hopefully, at your Seder this Tu BShvat, you will be able to answer some of these. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album V1/6/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.
Chabad will do anything to bring all closer Yiddishkeit. Here, the rabbi is doing Kiruv on the Turkey. Kiruv means to bring closer to Jewish practice. Photo: chabadmineola.com)
The Christmas Tree Shop. Where I buy everything I need for Chanukah, including the paper dreidel.
This is how it looks when not Frum people are at Kiddish. Not one of them is attacking the fish. No one is holding their spot, keeping others away from the herring. It seems as though they're making room for others. Bothersome. If they were Frum they would be much heavier, with hands on the sponge cake. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
How the Q&A looks at every Jewish event. That guy is not asking a question. He knows it's time for the Q&A, which means it's time for him to give his speech... You can see the passion. He's definitely not asking. He's speaking to the guest speaker... The people around him are not happy to have to hear his speech too. (Photo: Jan Karski Educational Foundation- Polish Jewish Studies)
I don't know why I took all that from the restaurant... I don't use Sweet'N Low. I just felt that it's the right thing to do. It's something my ancestors did.
We were quarantined in our rooms at Israel's corona hotel, but we lit Shabbat candles together, in the lobby... That was when I realized there were benefits to being religious. The Chilonim (secular Jews), who started leaving their rooms for Minyin, also realized this.
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These guys are at the fundraiser without their wives. It would cost too much to bring them. Those smiles are them saving money on schnitzel. This isn't a shul event. The difference is using the tithed Tzedakah money, and dinner with the family. (Norwood Fundraiser)
The organization is going to get more money out of you. They do that with what they call the (you put in the name of the organization) dinner. Every nonprofit has it. It can be at the pizza joint, they'll have their yearly dinner. They take a piece of schnitzel they got for three dollars and upcharge you 30,000%. They know you wouldn't pay $800 for a piece of schnitzel if there wasn't a reason. They need to sell you on this.
To sell you at the dinner, they use people they call honorees. The honorees is how they get you to come. Here is how they will use them. Be ready. Save the Date The first sign somebody is going to be taking your money. They tell you to save the date. Stay away from anything that says ‘Save the Date.’ That means something expensive is coming up. If you get one of these, pretend you didn’t see it and plan a trip for the ‘Date.’ Save the date for something cheaper than the fundraiser. A family trip to the Netherlands is a good way to save money. The best advice I can give is to never look at your mail. You will save a lot of money on donations and bills that way. If you're lucky, you can also get out of a Bar Mitzvah. The fact that they have money to send you a letter that says they are not ready yet is a problem. Honorees They will prep you with the save the date. Then they bring on the guilt. There are people being honored. You can't go on a trip when people are being honored. You have to honor them. They're honorees. They haven't honored these friends in a while. The honorees are people that other people like, who have a lot of friends. Or, they're people that other people need to pretend they like, for potential work; you want to be closer to these people. The organizations use these people to get you to come out to the fundraiser. They don't trust that you like the shul enough. They thus honor the Friedbergs. Everybody knows the Friedbergs. What are the Friedbergs honored for? Knowing people. That's what they've given to the shul. They've never volunteered or helped with a Shiva Minyin, but they know people. How to Not Get Pulled In Over the years, I've made it a point to have friends that nobody likes. I was going broke on friends who were affable. I noticed a disturbing pattern; the shul was honoring these people. These friendly people offering to pay for dinner, when you go out together, is just a guise before the big blow of the $2,000 you will be putting out for their honorees dinner. If you can find unlovable friends who are also poor, you have struck gold. If you see somebody sticking their hands in the herring and taking all the meat out of the choolante pot, for themselves, befriend them. How They Pick the Honorees You will know it is a fundraiser when the Fridberg family gets honored for being great community members. When people get honored for accomplishing nothing, that is a clear sign it's a fundraiser. If there is more than one couple on the bill, that is another clear sign it's a fundraiser and that the person who deserves to get honored, and is second on the poster, is not popular enough. Nobody cares that you brought the children out of Sudan if people aren't hanging with you at Kiddish, but it would look decent to honor you. Do you have friends? That is what we care about. For this reason, you should also avoid friends who have solved any worldwide crisis, such as starvation or disease. Your friends should be unhelpful and unfriendly people. Speakers You have to give money for these people that are also going to interrupt your dinner. Anything to take your focus off the fact that you've just put out $800 on a piece of schnitzel. Theses are other honorees. You don't know them. Why they tell you about these honorees, I have no idea. Yet, you're forking over another $500 for them to be there. They have to pay these people to talk over you and interrupt your conversation. The Committee Watch out for these people. These are the people that tell you about the dinner. They tell you about your friends and the speakers. They write the letters. They tell you to 'save the date.' They call you when you tried to not respond. You had to tell them you must've not gotten the letter. They know you are lying. If you don't go, you'll be offending them. Once people join a committee, they become very crafty. Your friends are on the committee, and they're going to tell you about that friend that is being honored. The Issue Is Friends If you've learned something today, it's to not have friends. Being part of a community, it's best if you don't know anybody. Then you don't have to feel bad not showing up. You can save a lot of money that way. It costs too much money to not offend people. If you plan the trip, try your hardest to forge a ticket that shows you purchased it before the committee sent out the 'save the date.' The committee will ask for that. And never join the committee. They put you on that committee to make sure you're going to be there. You get no discounts on schnitzel. And make sure to support your congregation, pay your dues and dedicate to your community in honor of your ancestors. Tags:
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We were quarantined in our rooms at the Israeli hotel, but we were allowed to light Shabbat candles together, in the lobby... That was when I realized there were benefits to being religious. The Chilonim who started leaving their rooms for Minyin, also realized.
It's the new year and international travel is painful again. Quarantining can be very scary, if you have to do it alone. It's a nightmare, and I purposefully entered that nightmare when I flew back to Israel, knowing I would be put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks.
The quarantine is back, and I bring you my story. It is here to inspire you, and to let you know that you can visit Israel and make it through the quarantine, as long as you're fine with your vacation being spent in the hotel. Now, the quarantine is for seven days, and my story may mean very little to you. Even so, I shall take you into my little journey of how I made it through quarantine in Israel, with my fellow returnees to Zion. I Was Scared I was in solitary confinement in a five-star hotel with a bath. A Corona Hotel They call the hotel “Corona.” The hotel itself had the virus. I didn’t know if I could touch the closet. Do the walls have the virus? Do I catch it from my bed? I decided it was safest to live out of my suitcase and sleep in my clothes. Food Rations Don’t Make Jews Happy I thought I was going to get the Israeli hotel breakfast buffet. I asked them. Then they dropped a bag outside my door. This was worse than being locked up in solitary. At least in solitary they slip the food through a window; you get a bit of service. They should’ve never called that room service. Three square meals is not... Other people deciding what I should be eating hurts the hotel experience. I don’t want people deciding which cheese I should be eating. I need choices, and they didn't provide that at the corona buffet. Yes. I complained to management. The same food every day isn’t the five star hotel experience I was expecting. Not having eight cheeses to choose from, and cereal dispensers, is not something I would have chosen. It was hard. I liked cottage cheese two days ago. No Washing Machines They turned me into a manual laborer. I was a slave to my dirty clothes, and I was not a good one. Maybe I don’t know how to twist enough. I smelled like Badin detergent suds for a week. How Do You hand wash? I’ve seen washboards in bands. Other than using it to strum a spoon, I don’t know what that is supposed to be used for. Why is the Army Here Soldiers were working the concierge booth. I have to say, they know very little about what there is to do in Jerusalem, when you're quarantined. Their lack of knowledge regarding Jerusalem nightlife was bothersome. They should at least been able to tell me the coordinates. It was scary coming out of my room and seeing the gun. I ran right back in, and that's where I spent the first three days. A Shabbat Retreat Where You See People Less On Shabbat, it’s a religious duty to quarantine together. Lighting Candles is a Social Experience As lighting Shabbat candles always do, they brought light to my darkness and people into my quarantine. We lit candles at a big table in the lobby, as opposed to our rooms. The organizers of the quarantine experience felt that a fire is more dangerous than seeing somebody who you sat next to on the flight. I went to light Shabbat candles, and that was my first interaction with people that weren’t behind plexiglass, or with a gun. I was relieved to hear that they also don’t like cottage cheese anymore. I realized I’m not in this quarantine alone, and there are other people that have no idea how to ring out a shirt. The Minyin As I was lighting the candles, I heard about the Minyin, a community praying together in isolation. They said, 'You must stay out of your room to join us.' I said, 'Yes. If me leaving my room is a requirement, I will be there... I will be early.' I had never felt so thankful for ten men in my life. I let them know that I’m happy to join, as long as I didn’t have to hand wash their clothes. The Chazan did not have a good voice. However, he had to wear a mask, and that helped. Oneg – Delighting in Shabbat One deed leads to another and we must share all of Shabbat in quarantine. You’re supposed to delight in Shabbat, and you do that with food. One quarantining congregant brought cake, cashews, peanuts, Coke, herring. One guy really enjoyed it. The first guy who took the cashews loved the experience. After he touched them, the cashews were his. He delighted more than the rest of us. As we learned, big bowls of food are not optimal for pandemics. When it came to the pound cake, I went in after the first guy. I wasn’t that scared. I had eaten too much cottage cheese to be scared. If I hadn’t caught corona by now, from the corona hotel bedding, I wasn’t going to catch it from a decent pound cake and a cold cup of Coke. In life, you have to be brave and take chances. And when it comes to a wet dense pound cake, those are the times. How I ate with my mask on is a miracle one can only speak of. Ingathering of the Exiles is Motivating After Shabbat we had a big circle where everybody shared their story. Stories of journeys from around the world were vast. One from Cape Town, one from Buenos Aires, one was from New York, one from Thailand, one from France. Each of us had our own journey back to Israel. Each expedition was more intriguing than the next. Some sat first class. Some sat economy. One even had somebody sitting next to them. A true journeyman. The most interesting story was given by the voyager from France who did not even get a kosher meal on her flight. Chilonim Became Religious Everybody became religious. Once the Chilonim, secular Jews, realized they can leave their rooms, they joined the Minyin. They were early. They were devout. They sat there praying, focused on the words of praise. In the end, the secular Israelis felt so comfortable that they also had no problem talking during the services. This was the first time in my life that I saw so many people return in penitence. Chabad has been trying for years to put Tefillin on people. One week of quarantine is the best outreach I have ever seen. Religious relationships even developed around the hotel, where new Chiloni couples dated without touching, sitting six feet apart. Stuff I am Left With In quarantine, you learn something about yourself. I learned that I am fine smelling like bath gel if that’s all I have to wash my clothes with. I don’t like cottage cheese anymore, but that may change in a day or two after I get out. I learned how to make going to the reception to pick up milk take twenty minutes, and how to keep a friend on the phone for forty-five minutes when they have to run. I learned that afternoon naps can last five hours, and touching cashews first during a pandemic is much smarter than touching peanuts. Cashews are more expensive; you want them for yourself. I learned that when it comes to leaving my room, I am extremely devout. I even show up two hours early to services. I learned that solitary confinement can be depressing without a Minyin. Minyin saved me. Shabbat Saved me. Lighting candles saved me. The comradery that quarantining together as a religious nation allows for, saved the secular Israelis. Only in Israel do people share their quarantine with other people. Everything beautiful about living in Israel is seen in the quarantine hotel, how we isolate as a community next to one another. A nation reuniting in the hardest of times, distancing together in solitude with all of the people, praying right next to Jews from all over the world. When you’re together there is nothing to fear, other than the coronavirus. Being quarantined in Israel was the greatest experience of my life. Book your ticket. Skip the Kotel and go to the Corona Hotel. Tags:
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They are definitely making Challah. Nobody has that much kneading dough that's not for a Mitzvah. Cookies are not that much fun. (Photo: Pendleton Family Medicine 'Fun Family Activities To Do During Quarantine')
Another variant of COVID hit the world, and some states are back with mask mandates. China has locked up thirteen million people. Home seclusion can happen. It's scary. The prospect of another quarantine is scary. What is even scarier is the thought of having to spend so much time with the family, again.
You need to be prepared, just in case the family is stuck together. I am going to help you with some Jewish family activities, just in case you need to spend time with the kids. Just thinking about that is painful. As the saying goes, let's make the pandemic Jewish. I might have heard that from one of the local anti-Semites. Nonetheless, it's a beautiful thought. Embrace your families and make this time with the kids holy. Here’s how to make your time at home Jewish. Arts and Crafts with Your Children Do Jewish art with the children. Jewish arts and crafts consists of making holiday objects or a Mezuzah. Those are the two options for the season. A still claymation glob on your doorpost, or a slab of wood with some nuts on it. I understand that you missed Chanukah, but you can still catch Pesach. Make the Seder plate with the children and keep them occupied. Be sure to have them work the chicken and horseradish that is not kosher for Pesach into their art, so you have an excuse to not use it on Pesach. You never want to show your child's art. That lack of talent is embarrassing to the family. Bake a Challah Baking Challah is a beautiful Jewish family tradition. It gets the kids involved, and it gives you chance to yell at them. You're going to get mad. It might as well be for them not kneading fast enough. If the grocery stops selling flour, for whatever quarantine reason, blame that on the kids. Yelling is an important Jewish experience, as it brings back memories of preparing for the holidays. Family Pictures Use the time to connect with the past. This is a good time to connect your children with family history. Show the kids the pictures of your childhood. That is educational. The grainy pictures are best. Allow your kids to see what the world looked like before HD. Show them pictures of religious grandparents. Even if it’s not their grandparents, as long as it’s a European looking family, that’s good enough. All old pictures from Eastern Europe look like they're of religious people. The pictures should be educational. Remember, you have to be prepared to run a school in your house. The day school is not going to refund any of the $22,000 you spent. Encourage Your Children to Go Online You’re not going to keep the kids away from the TV and computer for more than a day. You'll give the speech about family time, but after five hours of being together, family time is done for the month. Caring about family for more than five hours is painful. Nobody has that kind of stamina for showing love. Give the children your phone and let them have the screen. There's only so much crying you can deal with. Don't try to keep your kids off the websites. They're going to see the shmutz during class. The day school’s video conference classes program will have them online regularly, browsing the internet and binge watching. Watching The Lord of The Rings looks like you're engaged on the webcam. A decent series is the only way your child will do well in class. Don't think your kids won't ignore you. Your child is now internet savvy and doesn’t need your help until dinner. Spring Cleaning It may be winter where you are. Even so, it's never too early get your kids to help around the house and do some spring cleaning. Turn being stuck in the house to something positive. Finally, you can paint the family room. You will have time to clean for Pesach. Passover cleaning will be done and the house will be clean as the hotel you stayed at three Pesachs ago. Tell the children it’s a Mitzvah. Telling them they’re cleaning for Passover and it’s a commandment is the best way to get them involved in spring cleaning. Tell them that they have to get rid of Chametz, and that includes raking the leaves still in the yard. My parents used to tell me there was Chametz on the windows. That's how they got those panes squeaky clean. Constantly Check If Your Kid is Sick They quarantined everybody for safety, so use it for the Mitzvah of Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life. As part of their Jewish education, let the kids know that it's a Mitzvah to skip school. Educate by example. As a parent, it's good to spend your time with the back of your hand on their foreheads. When you see them sit, have your hand there. When they go to sleep, when they eat, when they clean, when they’re online with their virtual class, have the back of your hand there. If you don’t worry for them, who will. There's a reason that any good Jewish mother will ensure their little athlete is not going to dehydrate when they're playing soccer. Eat A Lot The gyms are back to making you wear a mask. Science shows that people have a problem working out when they can't breath. You’re not going to work out. You're going to put on weight, which makes this is a holiday. Celebrate. How do we celebrate when we can’t go to the gym? We eat. Good Jews eat. We eat and we give the food a Yiddish sounding name, and we don’t go to the gym. Getting heavy is part of the Jewish tradition, and how we celebrate every holiday. This is your chance to repent and put on some weight. Eat with the family and become better Jews together. Watch a Jewish Movie That means anything with a Jew in it. This means no foreign films. Perfect Chance to Watch Shtisel as a Family When you get into the family fights, put on Shtisel and your kids will appreciate being part of your family. By foreign films, we mean anything that is not American or Israeli. If they quarantine you again, make it a great time to be at home. Make it family time. Celebrate the children. Years from now, your family will remember all the time spent together, huddled in the home. And you will say, ‘Thank Gd there is a vaccine.’ And do not ask your kids if they got vaccinated. You don't want to have to kick them out of the house. Tags:
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The people look serious, because they have no idea what the rabbi is saying. They're trying to figure out why the rabbi is using words they don't understand, like 'imprecations.' (Photo: Youtube Park Avenue Synagogue Rosh Hashana Sermon)
The rabbi gave a sermon earlier this year about a deluge and I was confused. My whole life, I learned about the flood, the ‘mabool,’ and the rabbi was going off on some kind of water park ride sounding thing.
People later told me that the deluge was the flood, and I asked why the rabbi didn't just say 'the flood.' Once again, I was feeling like a fool, because my English comprehension was not good enough to understand another rabbi. My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language. I was stuck. Why do they translate the Hebrew into English that is harder to understand than the Hebrew itself! This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton, phylacteries, benedictions... Here are some of my memories of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis. I bring them to you, because I don't want you to think you're the only one who was poorly educated. A Childhood of Not Understanding It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ No idea what quorum means. I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve for a group of ten men to give me a quorum? I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then he pulled out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ I was confused. Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I had an idea of what Tefillin were. It was at that point that I requested from my rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’ My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good. Sermon I Still Don’t Understand from the Same Rabbi The rabbi began with his ‘Exegesis from Leviticus from the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra, from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I congratulated him in the simple Hebrew Jewish way. I didn’t want him to be confused. I was already confused enough from his speech. Another Sermon I Still Don't Understand It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to Gd, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. He lost me. Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have talked about that. I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English. I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that if I was a botanist, I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes. I Was Lost in The Service Until the added Musaf service of Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when they started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into my silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players. Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark. All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. I was confused the whole time. My Message to American Rabbis that I Respect If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use English words. Let’s move away from the language used in the 1930s and talk in an English the congregants can identify. A simple English. Not a pre-Shakespearian English that my English Lit professor can’t recognize. I understand it is fun for you to create words like firmament, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew. Stop using words you created, like legumes, beadle, sexton firmament, countenance, quorum, tabernacle. Use words like beans and peas, shul helper, heaven, face, Minyin, Sukkis. Something that I can recognize. Vocabulary your congregants identify. Maybe you are trying to add in a Hebrew flavor to your speech, using words congregants can’t grasp; thus, adding to the feeling of the Hebrew prayers that they are reading in transliteration. Maybe those are English words. Maybe you didn’t create them. I am sorry. It was my English education. If I would’ve read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I grew up in Britain, maybe if I grew up in the 1500s, I would comprehend. I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been the inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge. Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton. Tags:
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You can see how not Frum some of these people are by their lack of Kiddish navigation understanding. There is too much room at that table. Not one of them is attacking the fish. Not one of them is holding their spot at the table. With that much room, it's impossible to keep the others away from the herring. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
The post service communal snack time on Shabbat can be very hard for the shul beginner. Known as Kiddush, or Kiddish, this is the time to eat. Services have ended, we’ve already connected as a community with our Creator, it is now time to do whatever you can to get to the potato kugel first.
There’s only so much potato kugel, choolante and gefilte. You have only so much time to make your way to the herring. And you never know if somebody else likes kichel. You only have a moment before the rabbi makes the Kiddish blessing and Bernie snags the meat out of the choolante pot. Following is what I have learned about Kiddush etiquette over my lifetime of trying to make my way to the choolante, past Bernie: Stand in One Spot Once you are in the Kiddush room, do not move. If you move, other people will be able to get to the choolante too. Once you've scooped, you stay right there. You don't want to open others up to scooping access. The idea is to make it harder for other people to get to the stuff. If you're standing away from the table, in the middle of the room, and somebody is trying to pass, don’t move. Stand in the doorway if you have to. If you move, it will make it easier for them to get to where they want to go, and that might be potato kugel. Or even worse, the kishka. Once the choolante meat is gone, it is a fight for the choolante kishka. Hold Your Spot This is not easy. Fran may be eighty years old, but she still has some reserves left in her for egg salad, matzah and kichel. To fend off bullies, like Fran, get down into a strong three-point lineman stance. This gives you the most power when pushing off the ground, allowing you to hold your spot and lunge at the choolante pot when the opportunity arises for an offensive. Pick Your Spot Before Kiddush is Made & Keep It It's general policy that you’re not supposed to take food before the Kiddush blessing is said. If you’re willing to get reprimanded by the sisterhood, then take beforehand. If you are meek, like myself, and cower to authority, then pick a good spot. You want to pick a spot within arm’s reach of your goal. Not everybody can squeeze a spot right in front of the babka. As long as you’re willing to reach… Reach Past People’s Heads & Torsos The body does not dictate whether you’re next in line. I’ve seen many arms running right by my face. I’ve looked around and not once have I found a person. I recall one time, I was right in front of the pot, and couldn’t get to it. The arms were coming from all sides. It felt like a Kiddush horror film. The congregants were just hungry. They'll turn on you when kishka and potato kugel show up. Remember, manners are the first thing to go when there isn't enough meat in the choolante. Do Not Be Ashamed to Scoop All of the Meat Out of The Choolante Everybody notices when Bernie does this, but Bernie is happy. I’ve seen meat choolante pots filled to the brim, with no meat. Kiddush-goers have a sick sense for sniffing out meat in a pot. Over the years, I’ve learned to locate meat in the middle of potatoes, beans, barley, onions, even squash. Sometimes you think it’s a vegetarian choolante and right in the middle of a legume you pick out a little piece of rib still on the bone, making your Kiddush a success. Bringing joy to Shabbis. If you Have a Spot, Don’t Offer to Serve Others I tried this once. Next thing I knew, everybody had choolante. Helping leaves you with less. Carry the Choolante Ladle with You If you must move, such as in the case of your child crying and having a crisis, like they cannot find the frosting on their cake, be sure to take the serving utensil with you. This is the only way to ensure that you will be able to get back to your spot. There are some who will scoop with their hands while you’re gone. You have to respect that. Do Not Worry About How Your Plate Looks Pile it high. Double up. Fill three plates if you have to. You never know if you will be able to make it back to the table. Do Not Wait In Line There is no line. Those are just people who are not moving away from the babka. If there is no motion that is not a line, unless if you're at JFK International Airport security check. If You Do Not Have A Decent Spot Use Your Elbows Don’t worry about knocking over Fran. If Fran is in the way of you and your potato kugel, she’s standing in a dangerous spot. She should know that. She shouldn't assume that just because it's not choolante, that she won't get hurt. Using your elbows at all times is suggested. To quote Avi, 'Keep them out.' Elbows should be out at all times. Entering the Kiddish doorway, shaking hands, eating. Whatever you are doing the elbows should be out. When you're eating, keep em up. There's a good chance you can catch a chin of one of the shorter congregants. Your elbows create more body, keeping more people away from the food you want. Along with the barrier they create, they can be used to hurt people who think they are also deserving of herring. COVID may be done, still use your elbows to greet people at Kiddish. Walk in with no mask and let them know that you can care less about the germs on your Kishka, as long as it is yours. Kiddush is a communal experience, so it will not be easy to get to the food. I bless you with strength, to not worry about other people getting food. Gd provides for all, but there’s only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way. Tags:
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Making Chanukah Religious Again11/29/2021 
The Christmas Tree Shop, where I get everything I need for Chanukah. Including my paper dreidel.
Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
Eat Oily Food The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics. Use Animal Fat Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that. Eat Oilier Latkes Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious. Give the Children Big Kippahs Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want. That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays. Light up the Electric Candles This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate. Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur. Say Xmas The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit. Purchase Gifts That Mean Something If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift. Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven. Eat More If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more. Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here. Use Tinfoil Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil. Go to a Shul Chanukah Party Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa. Decorate All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop. Never Play Dreidel Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive. Sing Hebrew Songs If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious. Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht. To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight. I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. Tags:
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Making Your Thanksgiving Jewish11/25/2021 
Chabad will do anything to bring all closer Yiddishkeit. Here, you can see the rabbi doing Kiruv on the Turkey. (Photo: chabadmineola.com)
Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.
Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there. Eat More Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too. Eat A Turkey Shawarma Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey. The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet. Tell The Story of the Pilgrims The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha. Thank H' Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord. Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew. And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. Don't Work Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work. Forbid Stuff If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey. Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday. You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday. Have a Fight A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day. Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally Jews don't parade. We rally. Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.' Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday. If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich. I tried to help. Thanksgiving Sameach Tags:
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This is why you don't eat with singles. All of them are fighting to make sure the other singles don't steal all the food. (Photo- NY Times of the Moishe House)
The single orthodox male thrives off of free food. The community wants to give him food. The question is how to find it. Where do you place yourself, so you can receive optimal amounts of free food, to get you through the week without cooking. To note, the correct phraseology for receiving free food is 'score.' You score free food.
We aren't worried about the single woman, as she knows how to cook. She just hasn't found somebody good looking enough to cook for yet. The single man needs food, and his survival is dependant on leftovers. Freshly cooked food is for married people. Some single men don't have the innate skill set to navigate other people's food. As I have mastered the art of taking food from others, here are some of the techniques and skills I have developed for survival and enjoyment as a single man. Leftovers Take them. Take them with pride. Married people will give them to you. If they find out you're single, they will search you out with tin pans of whatever they can find. You could be eating at a restaurant, if they find out you're single, they starting collections from the other tables and packing them for you. Feeding single people leftovers is communal. No matter how old you are, they assume that you can't cook. They're right. No single man would eat with married people if they knew how to cook. If there is no chance of meeting a girl, the single man is there for the food. You don't even have to ask, they will bag it for you. Take whatever they give you. Take whatever you can. Be Classy You already have a rep for being single. You don't to add 'no class' to that. Pretend like you don't need it. But take it. As you're carrying the tins out of the party, keep it classy. Smile and say, 'I don't need it, but thank you.' Be sure you're walking away as you say that, as they may insist that you give the food back. You don't want them to be in a position where they can grab it. Go Into Your Friend's Fridge After dinner, peruse through the upper shelves of the fridge. Never waste your time on the lower shelves. You don't need vegetables. When they ask what you're doing in their kitchen, tell them how nice it looks. Then, tell them how good the food looks. They should get the hint. If they don't, give them a blank stare with a little blush. Remember, you want to keep it classy. They will give you the food from their fridge. The subtle charity technique always works best when they want you out of their house. If you're intrusive enough, they'll empty the fridge and the pantry to ensure that you have enough food to not come back for months. Take Whatever They Give You - You Will Eat It They're throwing it out. Take it. Two weeks old? Take it. Married people can't handle two week old fish. You can. Use that to your advantage. They've become domesticated and are used to eating food that's been cooked in an oven. Some of them have never used a microwave. They wait for their food. Somebody is cooking fresh stuff nightly over in the married person's home. They can't handle the stuff from last week. Your stomach can. It has eaten your microwaved eggs for the past thirty years. Show Up to Shul Events If there is one thing the sisterhood loves to do, it's feed single people. They don't want single people in their homes, as single people are creepy, and they might be on the Family Watchdog list. Nonetheless, they want to feed the single-capable. Take what you can. Take all the tin pans they give you. Enjoy it. That food is fresh. It would be offensive to give leftovers from a community event to married people. As a single person, you walk out of that fundraiser with a smile and hands stacked in tin. Remember, part of the fundraiser is giving the single man food. Show Up to Family Events Your family will give you everything. You tried hosting them and they know how bad your food is. There's not enough room in the freezer for the cake. Take it. That's breakfast for the next month. At least you'll remember Shlomi's birthday, when you see his name on your food. Chanukah Parties Take as much oily food as you can. If the hosts aren't looking, take the bottle of oil. Preferably the liter and a half size. The oil may get to your stomach the first couple of days. After the first few days, the latkes, sufganiot and whatever sfingee thing you eat will go right through you. Holidays Show up. They will give you the leftovers. You can never have too much leftover brisket. You don't have to be invited. Take advantage of the Jewish 'Hachnasat Orchim' concept. If you look needy enough, they'll even invite you for Pesach. Can you imagine not having to Kasher you kitchen for Pesach. Taking home Seder food is a double win. Simchas Go to the wedding. When you walk out, say 'Mazel Tov' to the bride and groom, and take the souffles off the tables. People usually leave those. Crockpot Cooking If you can't find any food that you didn't pay for, use the crockpot. You'll mess up the white chicken otherwise. The great thing about the crockpot cooking technique is that whatever you make will taste like leftovers. Scavenge Do what you must. I don't suggest going through the garbage. That will hurt any chance you have of ever meeting somebody. Scavenging could be showing up to multiple homes on a Friday night. Jewish scavenging experts have the ability to find the food that was served for Friday night dinner, in the kitchen. Their ability to turn the dishes, that have been brought back into the kitchen, as buffet, shows their Hotel Breakfast in Israel Any proud single person will stack up five to eight plates at the table. It's still classy. The plates are china. The question is how to get that food home. After you've eaten, it is then time to use the napkin to swaddle the food; it is your baby, and until it is in the fridge, it must be watched over. After the food has been swaddled, you then bag it. Note of Importance: It's best to be invited to the hotel breakfast by somebody else. Remember, you don't want to have to pay for your leftovers. Bagging The bagging technique is really the key to single survival. If you don't have a bag, preferably luggage, it's impossible to take the amount that you need from your friend's house, to satisfy your weekly nourishment needs. The hotel's buffet is huge, because they know the single people have suitcases with them. Aluminum Foil To quote Yomi Groner, 'Don't forget aluminum foil. It keeps the food good for another day or two.' Many have overlooked aluminum foil since shrink wrap and Ziplocs became popular. Nonetheless, nothing hugs the leftovers as well as foil. Purchase a Microwave You need to heat up the food they gave you somehow. Stay away from ovens. You're not cooking for a family of nine. And the single man doesn't need to cook. They need to reheat. Warning: When using the microwave technique of reheating for the single man, separate the food from the aluminum foil. The survival of the single male is dependent on their ability to eat after the meal is finished. It's not what you eat at the buffet. It's not what you eat at your friend's home. It's how many dinners you took back from your friend's place. In my case, since I have mastered the technique of loading bags, it's dinners for the next month. That saves me having to eat at other people's homes again. Personally, I feel bad for the single women. They're stuck with people respecting them, thinking they know how to cook. Never try to look good. Keep it classy, but never try to look good. Bring your bag and load it up. Stack the tin pans. Scavenge their fridge. And never go to other single people for dinner; you'll walk away with nothing. Don't let shame get in the way. Getting food is a way of life. You're single. Your friends are already judging you. Your family already sees you as a failure. They’re really just giving you the leftovers because they’re worried you’ll come back for another dinner. They’re trying to get you out. So, enjoy the leftovers. Enjoy all the food people give you. And keep it classy. Tags:
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The Jewish Catalog left out the stalking people to get into the hotel fix it.
Vacationing as a Jew can be hard. At some point all good Jews will be stuck in a hotel or the wilderness on Shabbat, and nobody is ever fully prepared. Asides from finding kosher food, the greatest concern is how to make for your beautiful Shabbat when the Four Seasons has no idea how to make a decent kishka.
I don’t know if all of these are acceptable fix its according to Jewish law. Even so, these are all fix its that I've heard or learned from other Jews over the years. Electronic Door Fix It Your goal is to get into your hotel room. However, the anti-Semites have decided to make hotel keys electronic. They couldn't keep us out of the country clubs that banned us. They're not going to keep us out of hotels with non-kosher food. Your first fix it is to tie a string to the door handle and to run the string down and outside of the door. This way, you can pull the inside handle from the outside and anybody who looks down can break in easier. Make sure you have tape, as the string is sure to fall or slip off the handle, which is very disappointing to the passerby who can’t take your stuff now. You'll want to watch out for cats that might be roaming around the hotel, who like to play with yarn. You can do this or leave the door open. Either way, you want to make it easy for people to access your stuff. Your second fix it is the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in your door, where the door lock latch bolt is now stopped by the sign that you stuck into the door. This was created by a Jew I know who was proficient at breaking into homes with credit cards. The 'Do Not Disturb' sign is perfect for this as it is sends a strong message to the person breaking into your room, to keep it quiet when in your room, especially if somebody is sleeping; manners come first. The worst is when room service messes up your fix it. With the placement of the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in the door itself, and not on the handle, you want to watch out for room service. They'll kill this rig, coming in and making your bed. Third fix it. Leave door unlocked and place the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the outer handle. I Building an Eruv There was no room at the Four Seasons and you were not willing to downgrade to the Holiday Inn, so you are camping. Now you are in the wilderness and need to build an Eruv to create an enclosure for yourself with a string, so that you can carry, all because you are not willing to stay in a hotel that has a non-electronic front door option for Shabbat. As a religious Jew, non-electronic doors are beneath you. People use fishing lines, and not rope, as a fishing line does not sag as much and it’s harder to see. If people trip over your Eruv or choke themselves, you’ve built it correctly. Electric Door To Building Fix It As if hotels haven't done enough with the electronic keys, they've spread their anti-Semitism to the whole real estate market. Most of the staff at these hotels are trying to figure out why the Jews are so quiet on Friday nights. It's because most of them have no idea how to get in. Why they pay for hotels over Shabbat still baffles me. Entering a building with electronic doors can be very hard and time consuming. What you want to do in this circumstance is wait right by the front door till somebody is entering the building for themselves, and then walk in right when they do. Right after them. You can try to avoid the awkwardness of this encounter by mimicking their exact walk, as Mr. Bean would. Remember to mock them. This will take the attention off of the fact that you are Jewish and creepy. It might get you a reputation as a stalker in the area. Nonetheless, if you are not attacked by the person you are following, you are OK and you can enjoy the rest of your Shabbat. If you are attacked, it should be an atonement for staying at the hotel that does not have regular doors. The following people on Shabbat method works best if you study the other people's daily patterns. No Eruv Shabbat Key Belt Fix It Best way to get in and out of your place with no Eruv is to use the Shabbat key belt. The idea of the Shabbat key belt is to make the key a usable part of the belt and to make sure the belt looks off. You do this by dressing in your finest Shabbat clothes, while fashioning a belt whose buckle is the key. Best way to do it is to take your regular leather belt and destroy it. You can also purchase the Shabbat belt on Amazon, which is basically a child safety strap with hooks on it. It should look like a dog collar that got messed up. If you are stuck with no belt that you want to destroy and no child safety Shabbat accessories, you can take an undergarment elastic band and connect it around your waist with a key, and then hold up your pants with that. As long as you look like a fool, you are fine. The main idea is to have people wondering why you went to such lengths to not have to carry a key chain. You can also use a bag shoulder strap. Some of the canvas bags have extremely durable shoulder straps. If you're lucky, and not too heavy, somebody may carry you through the front door of the hotel. Praying with A Community Fix It Go to shul. This is how you fix that. Shabbat Tablecloth Fix It Hotel towels. They are white and make for a comfortable tablecloth when you are coming out of the shower. The towel tablecloth is also great for spills. If you don’t have a tallit, you can also double a towel as a tallit, if you are willing to destroy and keep hotel property. Once you've already added the tassels, they will have no argument when you take this towel out of the hotel. Grape Juice Fix It You forgot wine and can’t make the Kiddush blessing the way you like to. Don’t fear. Take raisins and let them sit in boiling water. Then, squeeze out what you have in the raisin and voila. That’s it. Two hours later, you have grape juice. Start up a juice making factory in your hotel room and you too can make your beautiful vacation Shabbat. If starting a factory is too much for you, you can go to the supermarket. Havdalah Candles Fix It For the Havdalah candle, it is best to have many wicks, put together. For this reason, if you do not have a Havdalah candle, you want to take two candles and hold them together, so that wax can drip on your fingers. If you do not have that, I have seen people take two matches from the hotel matchbox and bring them together. As long as there’s danger of first degree burns you are doing Havdalah right. Lighting fires is not allowed in hotels; however, matchboxes make for great advertisement, so they are there. Tiki candles can also be used for Havdalah, lighting on Friday night, luaus, and burning holes in anything you put them on that is not glass. Pack Everything You Need & Food Fix It That is the only way to ensure you will have a decent Shabbat on the road. Pack the Havdalah candles, spices, rope, tape, fishing wire, child safety belts, Mana Chamas, all of Meal Mart and salami. Packing is the first and most important step of the Jewish travel fix it. So, don’t pack anything other than the kosher food and Shabbat necessities. Every town sells socks. All countries have clothes. Don’t pack those. Not everybody sells decent choolant. Pack that. You don’t want to have to run into town on vacation trying to find fish tackle, to ensure that skin is pierced when one trips over your Eruv Booby Trap. The number one fix it for the Jewish kosher traveler is to go to New York City for your vacation. Tags:
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Jewish Superheroes Among Us11/2/2021
We decided that the Israeli Superhero Uri-On could be more Jewish if we added a Kippah. We just took away his greatest power of not being Shomer Shabbat, given to him by his friend Chiloni Woman, who blames Dati Jews for everything, like buses that don't run on Shabbat.
Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology.
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it. If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English. Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante. Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin. Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things. Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite. Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak. Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul. Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’ Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other. Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher. Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk. Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money. Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man. Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish. Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil. New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate. Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers. Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources. Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man. Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him. Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence. Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread. Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling. Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas. Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat. Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse. Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing. Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him. Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People. Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we... I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat. Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism. May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman. Tags:
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You can see the outside of a Frum home. You want no room between houses, so you can build up against the neighbor, to brace your home. You also want to use the whole lot, just in case grass grows by accident. (Photo: Bryan Anselm for The New York Times)
What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
A Lot of Kids You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home. This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home. Toys on the Floor You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum. A Tablecloth How else are you going to cover the TV? Chandelier in the Dining Room Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish. Plastic Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child. The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV. A Sign or Picture Showing You East This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit. Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom. A Rebbe on the Wall If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard. My Living Room Is My Dining Room I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum. Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you. You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room. What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor. Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in. Jewish Artifacts You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity. A Tallit Bag You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael.. Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner. Sefarim A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag. Mitzvah Millionaire I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage. A Mezuzah That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments. Tin Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum. You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better. Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way. Natlan The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba. Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch. For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel. Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. Your house should always look like a Shabbis table. Tags:
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This is why kids love Torah. Because there is Oodles in them. (photo: onlykoshercandy.com)
Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement, but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that. You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood. Honey on First Letter of The Torah When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days. This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor. You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah. Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’ I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument. I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child. Kids go to Shul for Candy Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets. Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone. Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem. We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word. I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem. The Candyman There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman. All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education. The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys. Jewish Rituals Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy. As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.' To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems. Tags:
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Your kid is late again and it’s your fault. You cannot use the ‘doctor’s appointment’ excuse more than eight times a semester. You also can’t write that your child is late because she was afraid of failing the Chumash test. You might as well tell them your daughter is failing Gd.
Teachers have seen them all. Thus, you must learn the art of writing late notes. You want your child getting into a decent high school, and late notes will get them there. I'm going to help. Here are some late notes that will help you, the parent, and the family, look good when writing notes for Jewish day school: My Child was Praying If it sounds religious, it’s not a demerit. Play their education game. We all know the kids have no clue what they're saying in the Hebrew prayers. How many times have they sang ‘Adon Olam’ in school? Exactly my point. No clue. There’s no way your child was praying. They haven’t even joined in the Hatikvah the past few weeks. Oh. The school will tell you, 'They sing that "Adon Olam" so beautifully.' That’s how they get the donations. The kids sing it with such commitment and Kavanah, proper intent, to harmonize. They think they’re singing about winter break and not having to be in school. My Child Was Honoring Her Parents It's a Mitzvah to let you sleep through bus pickup too. You can use any Mitzvah and the note will score extra credit points. ‘My child was visiting the sick on school time.’ ‘My child was honoring her parents by letting them sleep.’ ‘My child took out the trash.’ Even if it looks like you’re running a child labor camp, that’s fine if it’s a Mitzvah. ‘I was teaching him the blessing on cereal.’ That's educational, and no Jewish day school is going to argue that the blessing shouldn't take a couple of hours of focus. We Were Visiting My Parents That will get you an extended weekend every once in a while. Visiting grandparents can be part of the commandment to ‘honor your parents.’ Going to classes is not a commandment. Though, you get into more trouble for skipping school than sinning. The school will also support visiting the grandparents, as they are the ones paying for the education. We Ran Out of Frosted Flakes They’ll understand. Your child needs the flakes frosted. Anybody with a heart and kids will understand that your child threw a fit when you offered them Corn Flakes. They know your kid ripped up the box and threw it at you, smashing the Corn Flakes, spat on Kellogg’s, and pulled out all the drawers in the kitchen, threw all their clothes on the floor, ran away from home, and cursed out Mom. That’s expected nowadays. It’s a normal reaction to cereal with no sugar. The school will also understand that it's questionable to make a Bracha over unsugared cereals. We Were Still On Vacation for Chag Use the holiday as much as you can. Milk it. That note can last for three weeks after any holiday. They give you off eight, you take eighteen for your child. Eighteen lets them know it was a meaningful religious thing, as well. Slap ‘Chag with grandparents’ on that note, and your child will walk out with a 4.0 without ever being in class. Remember, late notes for Jewish day school can be used for not being in class for days or weeks. There is no reason to put in all that effort of writing for one day, or a couple of hours. What? Now, they expect you to write? You’re not in school. If your child has a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a school week, that’s a good time for a long family weekend getaway. I’m a Mother Accuse them. Let them know. These twenty-five-year-old teachers have no idea what you’re going through. Your kid deserves a decent grade because you have to parent them. Even if you’re not a mother, if you’re writing a late note you’re close enough. You can be the guy running the bodega; if you have to write the late note, you're the mom. Let the doctor know you’re a mother. Bring that note to the doctor’s office. Instead of waiting in the waiting room, make the doctor wait. At least your note is legible. ‘We made a mistake.’ Let it all out. You’re writing a note already, maybe you can find someone to talk to about the pain of parenting these children. You didn’t mean to have the seventh child. Maybe the teacher will have a heart and reach out to you. I Had to Pack Snacks for Nine Put it on you and the other eight kids you birthed. You can add in ‘I have a family,’ for spite. Have them asking why the note has nothing to do with the child. They’ll get the point. You can add in, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???!!!' Add that into any note for late note effect. My Child Was Running Errands Your child is a prodigy and you know that. Just ask you. That’s why you’re coming up with excuses for them to be late and skip tests. He’s a genius and you've seen him at work. His sense of direction is amazing. You saw that when he was in pre-school and could already find sugar cereals in the supermarket. Don’t worry about them accusing you of abuse and child labor. If you want to talk about abuse, they’re running school till 4:15pm. Plus, have you seen the Hebrew homework, in Hebrew? That’s sweatshop labor abuse. We Went to Israel With that note, your child never needs to show to class. You can get off a whole half year with that note. They’ll still give your child an ‘A’ at Jewish day school. They have to. The school has had enough arguments with people claiming that every moment in Israel is Jewish education. It’s about preservation of our people. If elementary school parents could set-up their eight-year-olds with good Shidduchs, they would have them skipping school so they could get married earlier. My Child Was Learning Torah That note will get you nowhere. They know that didn't happen. We Don’t Understand You ‘Neither me or my child understood your homework.’ Yes. You are part of this. They know you’re doing the homework. Have you seen this modern Hebrew? It’s impossible to hold down two jobs and to keep up with third-grade level. You can also write, ‘We had to go to after school classes to understand your class. We are late because we were taking your class.’ Better yet, write the note in Hebrew. ‘אנחנו מאוחרים בגלליך.’ She’ll the get the point. If it’s a first grader, write the note. First graders are still tracing the Aleph Bet, and they don’t get homework. Even so, you can still right the note for them. Better yet, trace it. Remember, it’s not the education, it’s what high school they’re going to get into. The blaming the teacher technique will work, if they want to keep their job. On a side note, it’s about time you brushed up on your non-Biblical Ivrit. More Brilliant Late Note Ideas to Help You ‘We had an extended Shabbat.’ Make your weekend getaway sound Jewish. You can even say that you went to a deli. You went on a ski trip? If it's over a weekend, that's an extended Shabbat. ‘They went to Minyin.’ If they go to shul, they can get off. You can just write ‘shul.’ The only issue is that the school has already pegged you, the parent, as a heretic. They know you’re not going out of your way to pray with your child. You might want to write, ‘They went with their Bubbie and Zayde to Minyin.’ The school loves them. They’re the only reason your child is at the school. They’re the ones paying. ‘I was running around, picking up all the children for their after-school activities, because none of the other parents in this class help with carpooling. See the children that showed up on time? I hate their parents.’ The other parents never do anything. Hate them. Let it out. ‘Why don’t you teach the children how to use an alarm clock in this school?’ That is a complaint more than a late note. Put the blame on them. ‘The bus wouldn’t wait.’ Your child is special. The school should know that. Your child is the champion. Your child is the winner. Your child is the best. The others are nothing compared to your child. ‘The bus was late because of my child.’ The school is fine with that. ‘Culture Club was playing and we had to play through “Time,” and then we rocked out to some Uncle Moishy and the Mitzvah Men. As a family, we sing together.’ ‘I took them to the Metallica concert last night.’ The honest, bold and defiant late note. You were hearing the heavy metal. You’re feeling it. If you’re worried, tell them it was an Uncle Moishy concert that you were drinking at with the kids. ‘Tooth hurt.’ Don’t tell them which tooth. There’s no point. It could be yours. The goal is to make the education hard on the teacher, while your child still receives a 4.0 for having Jewish grandparents. ‘Their little brother ate it.’ You’re religious. They know you don’t have a dog eating the kids homework. Why dogs love eating homework so much is something I will never understand. Yet, they eat it. They’ve seen little Jewish boys eat. If it has sugar on it, they’ll eat paper. Nobody has ever eaten those Lieber’s or Paskesz pebbles without devouring half a sheet of paper. If you need an animal for the note, you can use a goldfish. You can tell the school you won the goldfish at the Purim carnival. They’ll believe the goldfish ate it. ‘During these times.’ Anything you say with ‘during these times’ cannot be argued with. They chalk it up to the pandemic. ‘The pandemic.’ Just write ‘the pandemic’ and your child is promised a perfect score. If your child pays attention in school, they’ll learn how to get government assistance. ‘I am a parent and I need to sleep.’ You are not waking up at 6:30am. Responsibility is not important when you’re tired. You spent all day carpooling yesterday, and it wasn’t even your own child. You don’t want your kid getting bad grades and your family looking bad. Make sure you have the notes prepared. As we recap, never forget to add ‘Chag’ to your late note. Holidays can always be used to get out of school. You also get off more days of school if you add in grandparents and Israel (ex of the perfect late note- ‘We went to Metallica in Israel, on Chag, with our grandparents’). And when your child is older, they will learn the importance of celebrating holidays to get out of work. Next time we will talk about mastering the art of handing in late notes to the Jewish day school staff saying 'my child is Jewish' and ‘my child is a Tzadik,’ thus ensuring success with no explanation. Tags:
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That is a bunch of people not having fun (Photo: digitalnewsroom.media)
The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.
Close Friends Table These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding. If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough. They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack. Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys. Bride’s Girl Friend Table This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met. They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb. They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys. Singles Table This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness. On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you. If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married. If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive. CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible. Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD. If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein. Kids Table Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height. Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads. This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers. No Place Card Table You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord. If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways. Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with. You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too. And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there. Tags:
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Simchat Torah Torah Dances9/19/2021 
Rav Goren dancing in an Israeli Army Simchat Torah celebration in 1969. You can see how shocked he is that somebody is taking a picture on the Chag. He didn't realize that his non-religious relatives followed him to Israel. You can also see everybody doing the two-handed Torah hold. When in war with possible flying bullets, the two-handed Torah hold is the goto dance. (Photo: Israel Press and Photo Agency (I.P.P.A.) Dan Hadani collection, National Library of Israel)
As Jews, we dance in a circle. That is our style. Now, with the holiday of Torah Happiness, we dance with a Torah in a circle. The Torah adding a whole new dimension to the circle. Over the years many styles of the Torah hold and Torah grab in circle form have developed.
As a student of different styles of Torah clutching in circle dance, I bring you some of the main Middle Circle Torah Lift Dances, including the Torah hug in a circle. I will not focus on outer-circle Torah dancing, as there is nothing more you can do in the outer-circle than blend in and get outshined by kids on your friends' shoulders. Two Handed Torah Lift A flashy move with the Torah. This is where you grab the bottom two handles of the Torah pole and lift the Torah, up and down. Similar to the ubiquitous supinated arm raise, this should always be done with two hands, as nobody wants to fast for 40 days. The true goal of all Torah dancing is to not drop the Torah. If dropped, all have to fast for 40 days, or not eat during the day and gorge at night. This is why the most important people involved in the Torah dancing are the ones staring at the Torah lifters, praying in anxiety that they don't drop it. The Torah Bang Two people take their Torahs in the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air’ dance formation and then bring them towards the middle and have them touch. This can also be done with three or more people. If there are enough people, you can have a whole Torah mosh pit. When Torah Banging, we do make it a point to not play heavy metal on Simchat Torah, as we do not want people falling or getting beaten up in the name of Simcha dancing. Nonetheless, there is a large community of Torah bangers out there. I would personally suggest to be more gentle and to go for the Torah Touch dance. It does take more finesse, but it's not as violent. I have noticed that less injuries occur with the touch. The One Hander Similar to the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air,’ this is done with one hand. Taken out of the strong man competition, this feat of strength is usually done by circus performers and balancing acts that show up for Shacharit. The Over the Shoulders Hold You hold the Torah with one arm, placed over your shoulder, and then you place your other arm in the middle of the circle, with the other two to three people holding Torahs. It is kind of like the 'Hokie Pokie', but you leave your right arm in. You then go around in a circle, with your hands touching each other, because you are all playing for the same team. The team of Torah. This can also be done in the outside circle, by those who don't want to be noticed, but only if it is an ‘Arm on Shoulders’ circle. The Supportive Torah Lift You hold onto one of the Torah’s handles and then lift it while supporting the Torah scroll from the middle of the back. You are working as the lifter and the spotter in this dance. It's a double duty, but it has its rewards in the World to Come. The Torah Hug You go around in the circle and make sure the Torah doesn’t fall. You just walk around and hug it. It's the most intimate Torah dance, showing your love and affection for the Torah and Gd. The Torah Train This is for the trailblazer who ventures their dancing out of the circle. I don't suggest this, until you've mastered the inner circle Torah dances and have created a following. Otherwise, it looks more like a trolly. You surprise the crowd with this by chu-chuing the circle into the train. As the Torah hugger, you are not riding caboose. You are close to Gd and therefore you lead the train. Generally, you want to lead with a two-handed Torah grab, as the over the shoulder Torah hold will end up wacking the guy behind you in the face with the Etz HaChaims (the Torah scroll wooden pole handles). Kid on Shoulder If you don't have a Torah, you can still be noticed. The child is treated like a Torah. Think of their legs as Poles of Life Handles. Sometimes you will use one hand. Sometimes, you have two hands on their legs. I’ve seen parents not use any hands. These people are joining the dancing from the circus. That’s an act. These are the same people lifting Torahs with one hand. I've seen parents toss their kids in the air. Nobody is worried about the parents dropping the kids. As long as it's not a Torah, nobody cares. Nobody is fasting for a child. The Walk Around with Kid on Shoulders This is where you walk. That’s the dance. The fact that your child is on your shoulders is enough fun for them. There is no need to do any fancy footwork. Showing you're a parent will have people impressed enough. If you are not part of a traveling circus, keep your hands on your child. I would also suggest to use your hands when carrying the Torah. The balancing on the nose Torah act will have the whole shul passing out of anxiety attacks. Next time, we will deal with the fifty-inch circumference Sefardic Torah Dances, all consist of the atlas stone hug and placement back on the table. Leaving the Torah on the table is the key to walking out of dancing with a healthy back. No matter the Torah you are dancing with, I will also prescribe a training program so that you can walk out of Simchat Torah being the talk of the town next year, with your Torah lifting and banging abilities. Tags:
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Top Sukkah Decorations9/16/2021 
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday. Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool. Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people: Fly Tape Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening. Honey Bucket with Opening As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah. Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah. The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own. Christmas Lights No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung. Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me. Fruit Almost as good as Christmas lights. Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it. Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire. Plastic Fruit We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room. Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.” Gourds I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff. Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it. Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration. The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration. Paper Chain The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it. The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet. Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying. Paper That Opens Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up. Tiki Torches You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone. 7 Species of Israel This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees. No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire. Tags:
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That guy is not happy, as it is 6am and the guy decided to blow the shofar right next to him (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues. Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out. It’s Too Early They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness. Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven. Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel. I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him. I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute. The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. Devout starts at 7:30am. I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep. I’m not to blame. I’m tired. Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up. I Have No Idea What the Words Mean My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me. I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do. Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it. I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know. I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions. I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7. I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am. I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune. I am a Slow Reader I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind. They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything. Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly. I Didn’t Do all The Sins I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody. I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day. I'm Trying Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation. If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too. I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. The Shofar Gets Me Mad This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent. Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan. I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am. Tags:
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People love Seders. Now they're reliving Pesach on Rosh Hashana too. This is my first time seeing gefilte fish on a Seder plate. That's definitely scarier than a fish head (credit Jewish Boston)
Rosh Hashana begins with a meal, as all Jewish holidays, and we pull out fruit and vegetables, eat them as 'signs,' and ask Gd to make the coming year a good one. That always means better than last year. The previous year was never that great. It was decent, but it could be better. So, we ask Gd for a good year and show Him some of the fruit and vegetables that could've had a longer shelf life. Thus, we ask for a better year where the cucumbers don't spoil after three days in the fridge.
We have a beautiful huge meal, to make up for any food we might have lost out on the year prior. We don't want to go into the year thin. That would give us nothing to do. Nothing to pray for. Last year, I dieted all year. I also sinned a bit, so I would have something to ask Gd for during the Ten Days of Repentance. With all that in mind, I shall tell you about what I now know every Jew should be prepared for when in Israel. Eating in America Did Not Prepare Me Known as Simanim, the signs at the meal, I grew up with an apple in the honey and a pomegranate representing Mitzvot. That is all my Ashkenazik upbringing prepared me for; cute little blessings of a sweet new year and a stained shirt. We would even sing a cute song, just in case somebody was scared of apples and honey. We sung the song 'dip the apple in the honey, say a blessing loud and clear. Shana Tova uMituka, have a happy sweet new year.' It was cute and harmless. The pomegranate wasn't harmless, so we didn't sing a song about it. We just said that it represents a lot of Mitzvot, and accepted the fact that our shirt would get stained. Israel was nothing like this. There was no cute song. The apple-honey rhyme didn't work in Hebrew. I don't know if it's every dinner, but whatever song that family was singing my first Rosh Hashana in Israel had me feeling the Pesach Seder all over again. Everything sounded like 'Ha Lachma Anya' to me, and I was in for a shock. They sung with real deep voices that I was not prepared for, due to their size. The only thing that my Jewish upbringing in America prepared me for was eating a lot. My First Interaction with Violent Fruit The Israeli family brought out beautiful fruits and a fish head. The fish head kind of went with the 'Ha Lachma Anya' feeling of leaving Egypt. And the next thing I know, the whole table started focusing on enemies. They were using fruit to curse out our foes. That was when I knew that I will never mess with an Israeli while they are eating. They started taking carrots in their hands and saying that 'Gd should cut down our enemies like a carrot.' I learned later that the root word for carrot in Hebrew is the same root as 'cutting down.' They went through all the fruits on the table. Even the gummy strawberry was used to mock those who try to bring us down. Personally, I would think that if you give a gummy strawberry to an enemy, they're going to be your friend. They'll stop attacking and start picking gumminess out of their teeth. Don't Mess With Israelis The shock continued at that dinner, and the next night's dinner too, where the family pulled out squash. I started seeing our Jewish people in a whole new light. We are a relaxed people, passive in nature, but you throw fruit and vegetables into the equation and we get very violent. When we summon Gd while eating gourds, we are not a people you want to mess with. Work in a rhyme and we are wiping out all evil beings. Work in a pun and decrees of judgment are raining down. Peace ruling the world through seasonal local produce. And watch out if they start with alliterations. 'Crazy criminal counterattack country' is what I’m talking about, with 'kumquats.' More People Do It One of the tables I was at a couple years years ago pulled out a carrot, whose root must have many meanings, and said, ‘May it be Thy will… that their decrees be those of judgment.’ And then, they cut a fruit and said that the juice should blind the enemies, like it did the owners of the house when they squeezed it by accident. I Am Scared That last meal had me scared. The shock of my first Rosh Hashana in Israel turned into fear. I started picturing the horrors that carrots can do to people. With a Hebrew name whose root means ‘decrees,’ I was scared to eat. I didn’t want to know the food's verdict. I had nightmares about cucumbers and tomatoes. I started having flashbacks to pickles and pickled tomatoes I had growing up. I didn’t eat Israeli salad for half a year. I was eating falafel with a pita, tahini, and that’s it. I couldn’t use Chumus either. At that last dinner, they said something about Chumus and Hamas. I am over much of my fear. I now eat with my family on Rosh Hashana, and we dunk the apple, saying, ‘May this be a sweet new year.’ I don't believe my family can handle floral self-defense. Going back to my Ashkenazik roots, I wanted to stop with all the other requests that angiosperms can bring. I was still scared of the Israeli salad, cut up so small. It hit me that fruits can be used for good and evil. Food can be used for good and evil. You can own a fruit shop, like my grandpa, and provide people with star fruit, so they can eat something on Rosh Hashana they would never want to eat otherwise. It took me a while, but I learned my lesson. And I now know what the Simans are for. I feel it is time we embrace our tradition and focus on eating fruit and vegetables that will wipe out the evil from our lives. I am not scared of my Israeli brethren. I know that they are using vegetation to protect us. It is about wiping evil out of our lives, so that our year can be one of blessing. A year where we don't have to eat fennel. A year, where we put on weight from the sugar found in plantation. Ever since those first Rosh Hashana dinners, I have had nightmares about carrots. When they pop up in coleslaw, I'm taken aback. I am never eating carrots again, just in case there's another root I don't know about. Please don't mention Tzimis. As for you, you should enjoy all the fruits and vegetables at the Rosh Hashana dinner. And don't be scared of carrots. I am still in shock and trying to figure out how carrots can free us from our enemies. You should all have a sweet new year, where our enemies rot like carrots. 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Reasons To Make Aliyah8/25/2021 
Olim, immigrants, debarking the plane. Blowing the shofar is the perfect way to annoy them. After the twelve hour flight Yishai decides to shock them with the loudest shofar he could find. (photo Brian Hendler- JTA)
Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem. At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie. You don’t have to Work The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind. With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish. After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot. Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’ Fear & Anti-Semitism I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well. Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business. Kosher Burger King The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers. To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl This is probably my number one reason. I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel. Land of our Ancestors That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn. Torah You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people. You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House We each have our own story. This is mine. The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.) It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me. Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted. You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it. Jewish Homeland Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that. If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money. Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa. Tags:
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That's a selection of new Israeli knit kippahs. The idea is to give the birds something to aim at. The smaller circle target makes it more fun for them. We don't support the watermelon yarmulke if you can't eat it. That's just a tease, and teasing is wrong. (photo: Laliv Gal Pikiwiki Israel)
Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
Velvet Kippah Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look. Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet. The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders. To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house. Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs. The Soloveitchik This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much. The Chabad A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer. Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class. Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love. Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category. Machine Knit What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up. Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date. The Carlebach This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica. When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver. The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn. The Bucharian This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament. Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious. Felt With Sports Team This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years. Suede This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew. The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement. Suede with Name & Date Inside This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you. I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved. Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. The Paper Yarmulke You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples. The Satin Reflector This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good. Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life. Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. White Satin You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah. The Black & White Yarmulke I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah. The Sleeper This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed. No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.' The Toupee Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat. Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious. Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough. Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them. Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. Tags:
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These Israeli kids would say 'thank you' (Photo by Sivan Farag in Israel21c)
People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' You Have To Deserve It What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him. They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel. You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you. When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy. When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good. There Are Repercussions You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas. Israelis Take Words Seriously This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them. Time Is Important I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you. I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important. Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach. They Did the Army Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up. Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door. A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You' That's a mistake. They weren't educated right. Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation. An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family. To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.' It's Hot Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.' My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand. Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach. Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel. I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album II8/5/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
The shul sink. They're now using hand sanitizer as soap... They pushed away the washing cup and poured sanitizer on the Kohen. They told him that it’s not sanitary to clean with water... We know that they ran out of spots for the sanitizer in the sanctuary. The siddur holders are full of the stuff... (They either have too much of it, or the vaccinated people still wearing their masks are making another statement. Or somebody now thinks soap doesn't work either.)
How Americans dads give to the next generation. Adopting a highway. We take pride in our interstates... The true gift of pride, knowing you don't have watch over another kid... They know nobody’s going to adopt a kid. This is much easier.
I think this guy stole the flags. That's why he's running. The only difference for Israelis, with the independence celebration taking place in America, is that there are Palestinian flags here. it's beautiful to see them showing support for America too. They're probably standing on the side of the road because they didn't steal those flags and they're following traffic rules. (photo credit to the NY Times, whose photographer didn't stop any of this)
The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom. I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes. (I’m still trying to figure out how that stuff works to keep food from sticking to the pan.)
Littering at the Kotel has got to stop... Unless if it's H' reading those letters and then dropping them after He’s finished. Either that, or the requests are not very interesting. Probably another letter for Parnsah. Everybody wants money.
I went to the Kotel to meet up with my friend. He said to meet him in the men's section. I had a hard time finding him. He said he had a kippa.
Candies in fruit form and whatever freakish watermelon that is. Yogueta, the creators of the gateway candy, doing anything they can to wean the kids off the fruit.
Arcades are casinos for little kids. Half the games had JACKPOT in flashing neon lights. I realized it's Asur and a breeding ground for gambling when I heard her say to her dad, 'Just one more. I'm feeling it. I'm going to win this time.'
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Jewish Summer Camp Acitivities8/4/2021 
Kids are finally back in camp, having fun with no masks. Mask mandates are only for school. They are safe in camp, having fun and doing what is know as activities.
Anything you do is more exciting when you call it an activity. Point shall be made: You can go shopping and run errands. Or you can go shopping as an activity. I ask, which one would you rather do? If errands was an activity this would get complicated. I would be fine with kids running errands at camp all summer. However, they don't take the kids in the bunk to pickup groceries. For now, that the point is made, we can all agree that activities are awesome. Here are some of the general activities that split up your child's day at summer camp. Floor Hockey- A sport that Jews are competitive at, because nobody else plays it. Flag football is another sport American Jews are excellent at, as they play it in Israel and Israelis don't know what it is. There are more camp sports like newcomb, bottle cap football, Torah baseball and gaga. The key to the sports activities is to take a known sport and make it Jewish by taking out any specialized skill. You play hockey and take away the ice. You play volleyball by catching the ball. Newcomb is a sport everybody can be great at. Amazing activity. Torah Baseball- A sport where you compete with your mind, so you too can be a champion. It costs the camp a lot less for you to answer questions about the Torah portion than having to manicure a baseball field. Roof Ball- This is where you throw a ball on the roof, to wake up all the people in your bunk during rest hour. When I was younger, I knew this game as The Ball Got Stuck in the Gutter Ball. Camp games are usually named after the objects used in them. You have wall ball and floor ball. If there was a stick, we might have played stick ball. I can't promise you that stick ball would've been the name. Our counselor didn't allow us to remove the stick from the broom, so I wouldn't know. Oh. We had table ball. We used a table for that. We played that to bother people while they were eating lunch. Arts and Crafts- When you are not artistically talented, they add on the word “crafts.” It's now a useful item. It's not a sculpture, it's an ashtray. The mug is an ashtray. The spoon rest is an ashtray. It actually is the same thing. If it wasn't for arts and crafts people would stop smoking. Other than ceramics or ashtray making, there is also a Jewish component to the activity. Sometimes, the kids make a ritual washing cup that looks like an ashtray. The accepted arts and crafts tradition is to have the children make Jewish pieces that they will not be using for another half a year. You take a slab of wood and put nuts on it and that is your art; a candle holder for Chanukah, or an ashtray. Great activity. Free Swim- When the lifeguard goes to sleep. Shabbis Walk- There is not much you can do on Shabbat. They had to be creative when the campers asked them why there was nothing to do other than bottle cap football and Checkers, when their parents spent $9,500. That is when they came up with the activity known as the Shabbis Walk. In co-ed camps this is tantamount to romance. Almost as romantic as sitting in a tree. Hike- Walking not on Shabbat. Snack Time- When you get to drink milk out of an eight-ounce carton. Might be the most exciting activity in camp. Letter Time- Jewish summer camp is the only place where letters are still written by hand. This is how you honor your parents. With paper. Emails don’t show care. Going green is very bad for relationships. If your children haven't written you with a cursive signature yet, they don't love you. It’s about survival. Let’s say you are lost on a desert island, nobody around, and you want to contact your parents? The Post Office is all you have. They will pick up. Let’s say your computer can’t fake the personal letter that you wrote to three hundred people in cursive, all named “Shalom,” thanking them for coming to your party and donating money to your fund, and you have to sign by hand and you have poor penmanship? Think about that for a minute. No romance ever happened with an email. It must be handwritten and handed give on a Shabbis Walk. Shower Time- Anything with 'time' connected to it is an activity. Cleanup time. That's an activity. Cleanup is not an activity. Nobody wants to cleanup. If you hear 'It's cleanup time everybody,' you're jumping for joy and tucking in your blanket. Face Painting- That's an activity that will definitely lead to Shower Time. Excitement- Great activity. Screaming. Running and Screaming. Eating and screaming. Excitement is the number one activity. You have excitement at a 'time' and you have probably the best activity of the summer. $9,500. Shiurim- You have class time here too, to remind you that you are not on vacation. They call it camp, but they have Jewish classes. Your parents are spending $9,500. Yes, they are behind this painful part of the day. Davening- Prayers every day. You do more religious stuff in camp than in school. Camp is an extension of Jewish day school, because your parents are still complaining they paid way too much tuition. Music- This really is school. It's music class. You sing. They try to get you to harmonize correctly. It's music class. Night Activity- Anything done at night is exciting. Hence, that's the activity. Night. Night Seder- At very religious camps, this is where you learn Torah at night. Done at night, makes it more awesome. That’s an activity. During the day it’s learning, at night it’s an activity. That is how Jewish camp programs the day. Package Time- When parents send their child everything they love, so they don't feel like they're in camp. Usually done with Twizzlers, it's the parents way of apologizing for enjoying the absence of their child. A Twizzlers offering. It's a way to keep them at camp. Then, there are kids that don't get packages, and they hate this activity. Flag Raising- Do they still allow that? Is that too patriotic? Boating- Row boating. Maybe in a canoe. Sailing is not happening at the pool. The kids are not going into the lake. There's fish in there. It is a camp, and there is a lake. You need a lake for it to be a camp. Around five years ago, kids refused to swim in a lake. It was around that same time that kids started being correct, and started becoming dumber. If I was correct growing up, we wouldn't have swam and my bunk would've had air-conditioning. Leagues- Teams are made. They could've just called your bunk a team, but they want to make sure your team is not good. After spending two days putting you on the bad team, it's now time to figure out what sports you play. A chart is made by the sports staff as to what sports you're going to play, and against who. You finally have the teams and the leagues, and you explain to all the kids why they're not on a team with their bunkmates, and Color War starts; got to wait a week to start the leagues. You play floor hockey twice and camp is over. We would've had a ropes course and team building as an activity, but we saw how bad the teams went with the 'Leagues.' We also don't trust the other kids in the bunk to save your child. If your kid closed their eyes and fell back, that would be a full-on fall. Tags:
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What do you give a dog who's good at math? A chesh-bone.
You get it? Cheshbon is an invoice, also used to mean math. Really smart dogs say Matimatikah. Plagues affect the animals. The Parsha last week... 
I love Kiddish in quarantine. I took a piece of cake and everybody said the rest was mine. Something about me touching it. I was happy. I'm going to touch more stuff at Kiddishes. I also drank straight from the bottle... The miracle is how I ate while still being socially responsible, with my mask on.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
1/12/2022
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