There have been too many donation letters sent to all the houses. We thought it would be over after the calendars we got for Rosh Hashana. Now there’s the holiday charity rush. Most Jewish organizations seem celebrate Christmas. Christmas and New Years are big times for Jewish donations, and they don't even give calendars.
The problem I'm having is that I threw out my bills. They got mixed in with the donations. I like to think of bills as my donation to Topeka Water and Electric, also known as TWE. The rabbi said it doesn't count towards Ma'aser. I still consider it charity though. Bar Mitzvah kids reading is painful. Very painful. I am going to show up late to these things from now on. I can’t listen to these kids anymore. I see a lot of members have already learned this lesson, as they show up for Kiddish. Everybody is scared and now people aren’t leaving their homes again. There’s apparently another variant and everybody is blaming the rabbi for it. The rabbi wants to introduce people to the president and mayor of the city so they can stop blaming him. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregant Why are there no people? Because COVID came up again... Another variant. I don’t know the science behind it, Bernie. I just know that people are depressed… a government order that people should be depressed and shouldn’t show up to shul… Is it slavery? I don’t know. Their variants of Paroh. Little variants that cause a tiredness amongst the people of our community. Little Parohs… Not showing up to the shul is not a variant. There is no ‘I won’t pay dues’ variant.… What other excuses do you have for not coming to shul?! The Kiddish has been good recently. We have to talk about the leftovers… You don’t take rugulach before the Kiddish is over. I understand they said people can take it home. Not before the Kiddish starts. You loaded a bag. That's a variant of stealing… The rugulach was a nice tray, laid out… H' commands Moshe to take the Jews out of Egypt. Moshe is called upon to begin the greatest revelation of all time. Recognition of H' by a nation and the world. I should take the Jews out of this shul. That would be a great revelation of not dealing with the board. No more having to listen to messed up Torah readings by Bar Mitzvah boys who don’t practice… Laziness is not the ‘lack of spirit’ the Jews had… We don’t need cheerleaders. This isn’t a sporting event. The Bar Mitzvah kids need to not be lazy… They’re blaming COVID for not being able to read the portion. Others don’t come to shul… There are twelve people here today... I think a choir is enough to draw people. We don’t need cheerleaders… Why does Moshe give in so easily? (Shemot 6:9) Moshe tells the Jewish people that Gd will take them out of Egypt with an outstretched arm... to be a nation. 'And they did not hear (listen to) Moshe, from lack of spirit and hard work'… You haven’t worked for years, Bernie. You retired thirty years ago… Your laziness is killing me. I need somebody to take me out of this congregation... I can see this congregation doesn’t listen even when they do nothing. Your lack of spirit. Your laziness. Your lack of enthusiasm is what is killing this congregation… No. It’s not the new variant. It’s the laziness… I wish some people were here to hear this. You’re lazy. That’s why there is no deli in the shul. You can’t have a deli with no enthusiasm… When totally down and abused, it's hard to see the future. Sometimes, one cannot foresee positive. Right now. After the Chazin's repetition of Musaf, I cannot see anything positive. When I look to the left side fo the shul, nothing positive... They become stuck in the bad. Even the psyche is affected and there is only a negative perspective. Here it was a whole nation, and Moshe was also affected. Now we have just sat through a 15 minute Kaddish. The Chazin in this congregation has abused us... It’s hard to listen when you’re overworked. I know a lot of annoying bosses… This congregation doesn’t work. There’s no excuse for the depression… The Chazin and this Bar Mitzvah. Yes. The Bar Mitzvah was oppressive… Having to listen to that brings us back to slavery… We have to relive slavery. ‘We were slaves to Paroh in Egypt.’ We have to remember the redemption… Hearing the Chazin and the Bar Mitzvah boy is exactly what the taskmasters would do... The Bar Mitzvah not reading the Torah ever again is one of the calls of redemption. When you work real hard and there is no energy from the people. What I deal with here... Exactly. Back left of the shul... You give nothing. No spirit... It is the lack of spirit. Our lack of spirit affected Moshe. He gave up. Your lack of spirit is killing me… Yes our synagogue can have spirit, as we saw in the last inter-shul choolante cookoff, when our synagogue was the loudest singers of 'We've got spirit, yes we do. We've got spirit, how about you?'... We were strong there. We had hope. The other congregations didn't even sing back. They have not spirit and they're not losers.... But that is what spirit is about. And we had it. How do we get that back?... Their choolante tasted excellent, but it had no spirit. They won, but with no spirit. What happened to our spirit? When people are tired and worked, they cannot see a synagogues the future. They worked too hard on the choolante. Their choolante tasted good, but they were too tired to enjoy it. That is why they had no spirit. We had the worst choolante out there, and we loved it... Now we do need better cooks in our community, as Michael's family also put no effort into the Kiddish for his Bar Mitzvah... Kiddish can be better. We should get the sisterhood from Anshei Sinah to come over to make our Kiddish... Moshe goes with the negativity a bissel, as there is effort involved, and the people give him no energy, like this congregation who takes away your energy with depression and laziness. You don’t try… Kind of like Michael, last week, when all he did was the Barchu for Maftir. Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah and finding a way to put no effort into it. I am sure you'll be back here layning (reading the Torah) every week, for pay, once you dropout of high school… Let’s turn to this week’s Bar Mitzvah who read the whole thing not well… Moshe is met with opposition, kind of like the time I met with Carol and she wanted to put flowers on the ark… Carol. It wasn’t after Sukkot, and you didn’t mention putting Lulavs up there… This isn’t a Christian gravesite. The Torah is alive… You killed it. Yes. The time you didn’t join my idea for the new kosher delicatessen in the shul’s social hall… And if the shul smelled like deli, everybody would come. Everybody loves a hot corned beef sandwich on club… Exactly. We would get a Minyin on a weekday if there was a deli here. But the board was too lazy to put in the effort… You volunteer for Bingo. You can volunteer for a deli. It's opposition that kills a community. The negativity brings a community to the point where there is no deli... (Shemot 6:12) ‘Moshe spoke before H’, saying, "Behold, the children of Israel did not hearken to me. How then will Pharaoh hearken to me, seeing that I am of closed lips?”’ Moshe is still complaining. H’ already told him he had Aharon. It’s like he forgets all the good advice. The same way nobody took my advice for the valet parking... It's an anomaly that I haven’t converted, with congregants like you... Nothing positive. Just negative. You empower a man to think he can't do anything. You think you're going to get me to stop giving the sermons by falling asleep? It shall not happen... (6:13) ‘And H’ spoke to Moses and to Aharon, and He commanded them concerning the children of Israel and concerning Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, to let the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt.’ H’ didn’t even respond to Moshe this time. He just told him what to do. He gave him the command. Moshe’s excuse of them not listening gets annoying… I know nobody on the board listens to you. But that is not an excuse for not talking. At a certain point you stop listening to complaints... I know you blame me for COVID. I don't care. The difference between Moshe and the board is that Moshe listens... Do we have an Aaron in this congregation, to lean on? Do we? Do we? Do we?! H' would've told me to leave this congregation and let these people stay... The Gabai is not an Aaron. If speaking out against the leader is what you mean by Aaron, the Gabai might be... You rabbi has been affected by this negativity... Yes, there was a raise, but with the down payment, your rabbi cannot afford the mortgage.... We are now going to do an appeal for positive perspective. That includes a raise for your rabbi. A new deli. A decent choolante from other shuls. No Chazin... It's hard to have that positive perspective, but we must. The donation letters have bombarded our homes… Their depression hit Moshe. Being a rabbi here… So what about another variant? You can’t let the past bring you down. H’ didn’t listen to Moshe when he complained again. I will not let this variant enslave this congregation… It's the fourth variant this year. It does nothing. You worried you’re going to catch the sniffles? It’s the winter time. Sniffles come… The cough is really annoying. Next time a Bar Mitzvah boy has a cough, we're cancelling his turning thirteen... (Shemot 6:2-5) H’ appears to Moshe as ‘H”,’ His name of truth (Rashi). With Moshe, H’ fulfils the covenant with the Jewish people. Truth is the fulfillment of a promise. Promising is not the truth. Saying you will do renovations is not the truth… You broke down a wall and left it… I get that there’s the destruction of our Great Temples. I commemorate that when I see this congregation… Nobody is here… I commemorate the destruction when I see the shul's renovations... H’ hears the pain of the Jewish people… No. You complain. It’s not pain. It’s complaints… It’s painful for me. I hear my pain… It's our duty to fulfil the truth of H’s promise to Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. We can’t do that if we’re tired. We can’t do that if you’re falling asleep in the middle of my sermon… As a Bar Mitzvah, don’t mess it up for your ancestors. You are here to fulfil being a decent Jew on behalf of your ancestors, unlike your parents. Don’t let them down and read Torah like you did today… Don’t be like the board. Be a good member of our nation… You’re not going to be a Moshe. We know that. Bring nachis... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The choolante cookoff was a glimmer of hope for the congregation. We're not talented, but it showed our pride. We've got beat in every contest. We got killed in the inter-shul knitting contest, and still hung up the quilt. There was a Minyin in shul, as the rabbi blackmailed the men into coming. Other than that, I was the only one in the women’s section. I think this is the fourth variant of members not coming this year. We’ve had variants of people not showing up for the past eight years. Variants are coming and going. Members are not coming. There are many variants of excuses people have for not coming to shul. Family, shopping, golf, sleep, kids, dinner, the Chazin. The rabbi’s message that the shul members are not tired, but lazy, was brilliant. The problem was that half of the ten guys that showed up fell asleep during the sermon. They didn’t get the message. The board hasn’t done anything other than complain over the past two years. I don’t think breaking down a wall is doing anything, if you don’t fix it. The rabbi shouldn’t have mentioned the cheerleader idea. The next Shabbat Chatan, Ufruf, religious bachelor Shabbat at shul, other names for it, had girls cheering ‘Shlomo,’ when he got up for the Aliyah. The Gabai called him up and before anybody could say ‘Amen,’ the girls where cheering ‘Go!!! Shlomo! If you can’t do it, no one can. Shlomo’s got spirit.’ That caused a big ruckus, as the Gabai turned to the cheerleaders and said, ‘Gd can.’ The rabbi started a protest against letters for donations. The rabbi made a fire and threw the letters in. Simmy thought we were burning Chametz too early this year. He thought it was a Jewish leap year. Now, the congregants are not allowed to donate to organizations that send them letters. So, people stopped donating. Without the letters, they have no idea who to donate to. Dues were paid though. The Bar Mitzvah was painful. We had to listen to his messed up reading. His family didn’t even show up to shul, due to the variant. It got out that they just didn’t want to have to listen to him. They heard him practicing at home and knew how bad it would go. The double Kiddish was great. We celebrated the Bar Mitzvah and the Civelsteins' sixtieth. They were kind and told people they could take home food from the Kiddish. Leftovers were gone before the rabbi made the Kiddish blessing. Simon took all the rugulach. He filled up his bag right away. He poured the tray into the bag. He brought a garbage bag to pour into. Otherwise, the rugulach would've spilled all over the floor. He needed the bag to cover the tray. When Simon was asked why he took all the rugulach, he said, 'They said you can take.' It was later explained that it's not leftovers if it's before people eat at the event. The leftovers policies are now in the shul's bylaws, thanks to Mark and his unhappiness with not getting rugulach at Kiddish. Since the deli closed eight years ago, people have questioned if any real Jews live in Topeka. The deli at the shul was a great idea. The problem is that all of the congregants would want to take the sandwiches for free. They would walk in for dinner and ask ‘who’s sponsoring my sandwich tonight?’ No matter the situation, they would find a way to eat for free. If it wasn't sponsored, they would take it and call it leftovers, and not pay. Tags:
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A coworker just complained that the work is eating at her kishkas. I told her she should see a derma'tologist.
You get it? Derma means intestines and kishka means intestines. Dermatologists don't deal with intestines. Stuffed derma tastes excellent. How do we know a salmon that's on fire is Ashkenaz? Cause it's a lit-fish. You get it? Litvish are Lithuanian Jews. Most are connected to the Ashkenaz Yeshivas. The fish is lit. To appease Esav, Yaakov sent Doron. That's why we never hear about that son. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Doron means gifts and is a name. Esav hates Yaakov. So, Yaakov splits his family, and sends Esav gifts. Nobody wanted to eat the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. It was really ofe. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? 'Off' means it didn't taste right. 'Ofe' means chicken in Hebrew. Turkey is not chicken, even in Israel. We bring you the best bilingual puns. My kids left half-eaten Chanukah gelt, and I was stuck with some Bitcoin. You get it? A lot of times, Chanukah gelt is chocolate coins. People bite those, makin them bit. Bitcoin is... My black hat is not floppy. It’s always in a solid state. You get it? Black hat brims can be flimsy or firm, as in a solid state. Computers used to have floppy disks. Solid state hard drive. I bought a loaf of bread but returned it to the store because it was overbaked. It was a Mekach Toast. You get it? Mekach Taot is a faulty sale. Toast. Add an 's.' Another brilliant and educational bilingual Halachik pun. Tags:
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We were quarantined in our rooms at the Israeli hotel, but we were allowed to light Shabbat candles together, in the lobby... That was when I realized there were benefits to being religious. The Chilonim who started leaving their rooms for Minyin, also realized.
It's the new year and international travel is painful again. Quarantining can be very scary, if you have to do it alone. It's a nightmare, and I purposefully entered that nightmare when I flew back to Israel, knowing I would be put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks.
The quarantine is back, and I bring you my story. It is here to inspire you, and to let you know that you can visit Israel and make it through the quarantine, as long as you're fine with your vacation being spent in the hotel. Now, the quarantine is for seven days, and my story may mean very little to you. Even so, I shall take you into my little journey of how I made it through quarantine in Israel, with my fellow returnees to Zion. I Was Scared I was in solitary confinement in a five-star hotel with a bath. A Corona Hotel They call the hotel “Corona.” The hotel itself had the virus. I didn’t know if I could touch the closet. Do the walls have the virus? Do I catch it from my bed? I decided it was safest to live out of my suitcase and sleep in my clothes. Food Rations Don’t Make Jews Happy I thought I was going to get the Israeli hotel breakfast buffet. I asked them. Then they dropped a bag outside my door. This was worse than being locked up in solitary. At least in solitary they slip the food through a window; you get a bit of service. They should’ve never called that room service. Three square meals is not... Other people deciding what I should be eating hurts the hotel experience. I don’t want people deciding which cheese I should be eating. I need choices, and they didn't provide that at the corona buffet. Yes. I complained to management. The same food every day isn’t the five star hotel experience I was expecting. Not having eight cheeses to choose from, and cereal dispensers, is not something I would have chosen. It was hard. I liked cottage cheese two days ago. No Washing Machines They turned me into a manual laborer. I was a slave to my dirty clothes, and I was not a good one. Maybe I don’t know how to twist enough. I smelled like Badin detergent suds for a week. How Do You hand wash? I’ve seen washboards in bands. Other than using it to strum a spoon, I don’t know what that is supposed to be used for. Why is the Army Here Soldiers were working the concierge booth. I have to say, they know very little about what there is to do in Jerusalem, when you're quarantined. Their lack of knowledge regarding Jerusalem nightlife was bothersome. They should at least been able to tell me the coordinates. It was scary coming out of my room and seeing the gun. I ran right back in, and that's where I spent the first three days. A Shabbat Retreat Where You See People Less On Shabbat, it’s a religious duty to quarantine together. Lighting Candles is a Social Experience As lighting Shabbat candles always do, they brought light to my darkness and people into my quarantine. We lit candles at a big table in the lobby, as opposed to our rooms. The organizers of the quarantine experience felt that a fire is more dangerous than seeing somebody who you sat next to on the flight. I went to light Shabbat candles, and that was my first interaction with people that weren’t behind plexiglass, or with a gun. I was relieved to hear that they also don’t like cottage cheese anymore. I realized I’m not in this quarantine alone, and there are other people that have no idea how to ring out a shirt. The Minyin As I was lighting the candles, I heard about the Minyin, a community praying together in isolation. They said, 'You must stay out of your room to join us.' I said, 'Yes. If me leaving my room is a requirement, I will be there... I will be early.' I had never felt so thankful for ten men in my life. I let them know that I’m happy to join, as long as I didn’t have to hand wash their clothes. The Chazan did not have a good voice. However, he had to wear a mask, and that helped. Oneg – Delighting in Shabbat One deed leads to another and we must share all of Shabbat in quarantine. You’re supposed to delight in Shabbat, and you do that with food. One quarantining congregant brought cake, cashews, peanuts, Coke, herring. One guy really enjoyed it. The first guy who took the cashews loved the experience. After he touched them, the cashews were his. He delighted more than the rest of us. As we learned, big bowls of food are not optimal for pandemics. When it came to the pound cake, I went in after the first guy. I wasn’t that scared. I had eaten too much cottage cheese to be scared. If I hadn’t caught corona by now, from the corona hotel bedding, I wasn’t going to catch it from a decent pound cake and a cold cup of Coke. In life, you have to be brave and take chances. And when it comes to a wet dense pound cake, those are the times. How I ate with my mask on is a miracle one can only speak of. Ingathering of the Exiles is Motivating After Shabbat we had a big circle where everybody shared their story. Stories of journeys from around the world were vast. One from Cape Town, one from Buenos Aires, one was from New York, one from Thailand, one from France. Each of us had our own journey back to Israel. Each expedition was more intriguing than the next. Some sat first class. Some sat economy. One even had somebody sitting next to them. A true journeyman. The most interesting story was given by the voyager from France who did not even get a kosher meal on her flight. Chilonim Became Religious Everybody became religious. Once the Chilonim, secular Jews, realized they can leave their rooms, they joined the Minyin. They were early. They were devout. They sat there praying, focused on the words of praise. In the end, the secular Israelis felt so comfortable that they also had no problem talking during the services. This was the first time in my life that I saw so many people return in penitence. Chabad has been trying for years to put Tefillin on people. One week of quarantine is the best outreach I have ever seen. Religious relationships even developed around the hotel, where new Chiloni couples dated without touching, sitting six feet apart. Stuff I am Left With In quarantine, you learn something about yourself. I learned that I am fine smelling like bath gel if that’s all I have to wash my clothes with. I don’t like cottage cheese anymore, but that may change in a day or two after I get out. I learned how to make going to the reception to pick up milk take twenty minutes, and how to keep a friend on the phone for forty-five minutes when they have to run. I learned that afternoon naps can last five hours, and touching cashews first during a pandemic is much smarter than touching peanuts. Cashews are more expensive; you want them for yourself. I learned that when it comes to leaving my room, I am extremely devout. I even show up two hours early to services. I learned that solitary confinement can be depressing without a Minyin. Minyin saved me. Shabbat Saved me. Lighting candles saved me. The comradery that quarantining together as a religious nation allows for, saved the secular Israelis. Only in Israel do people share their quarantine with other people. Everything beautiful about living in Israel is seen in the quarantine hotel, how we isolate as a community next to one another. A nation reuniting in the hardest of times, distancing together in solitude with all of the people, praying right next to Jews from all over the world. When you’re together there is nothing to fear, other than the coronavirus. Being quarantined in Israel was the greatest experience of my life. Book your ticket. Skip the Kotel and go to the Corona Hotel. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Shemot12/24/2021 
A very positive week at shul. After the rabbi made the point of bringing nachis, we’re back on the right track of not messing up what the previous generations did. There were no renovations done to the shul this week. They cancelled the plans for redoing the coatroom, once Milt told the board that the hangers work. The only issue is that the ark is still covered by the community quilt the rabbi doesn't like. The congregation loves it, as they made it. The rabbi arguing for the tradition of using a curtain the congregation purchased.
Tons of leftovers in the shul. Every event has so much leftover. Eating leftovers. That’s all Herman does. He eats the leftovers. He comes at the end of every event, and the sisterhood loads him up. At the Chanukah party, Sadie smacked Bernie's hands when he went for latke seconds. There were around fifty left and Sadie still smacked his hand, yelling at him, 'Those are for Herman.' I don’t think Herman has had to cook the last three months. First the holidays, then Chanukah. Then the convention. He’s scoring on the leftovers. They expected over a hundred for the convention. Because of COVID, only forty came. I think our shul is losing a lot of money on this COVID thing. The Tzedakah Charity collector is making everybody feel guilty. He stands there with the box for extended periods. He stares at the guys at davening during the week. I even saw him tilt his head and let out a 'nu,' in question form. The daily minyin is losing people who feel guilty not giving Tzedakah. The rabbi said that if people can't give more Tzedakah, he doesn't want them at Minyin. He did ban Herman from weekday Minyin. He's worried that Herman will take the leftover money in the Tzedakah box. Social climbing has been an issue in the shul. People pretend like they didn’t see me, and then want to talk to me when I'm talking to somebody they want to climb with. It's nice when they want to show they know me. At least they say 'Shabbat Shalom' then. Between us, I can't stand the social climbers. They're like Paroh. If you're going to socially climb correctly, at least pretend like you know me, so that I can think you really like me, and support you when you're climbing. I'm fine being used, as long as people do it with a smile. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom We were slaves in Egypt. Remember that. I Remember that when I come to work, every day. I see the guys at Minyin and I remember that I was a slave. It gets me by... I hear moms saying, 'I am slaving.' If cooking with an oven on 375 and a timer is slaving... At least they remember it, Ben. We were slaves. The least you can do is give charity… You try to hide from the Tzedakah box, Yitzi. You were doing Tachnun the other day. Your head was in your arm. You were hiding from the Pushka, Tzedakah box… I know that the Tachnun prayer calls for the head down. It was still the Amdiah… You didn't have your head down when you were trying to be popular. Your square in the quilt is an embarrassment. Your head wasn't down for that. When you took leftovers the other day, from the Chanukah party... No money on you? Mr. Freustein. You are the biggest mogul in this region. You can’t find a dollar… We know you deal in cash. Don’t lie… You can give a hundred to the Pushka... It’s not a Jewish tradition to never give more than a dollar... I know that nobody gives more than that. hanan was taking change the other day... Leave it in, Chanan. So, you give five dollars. That’s fine... Always a dollar. Give a hundred if that’s all you have Mr. Freustein… Max might take it. But he needs it. He has it bad. Look at him. I think his pants were quilted by the congregants… You don't give Tzedakah to socially climb. You don't have enough money Frank. If you're going to socially climb, you need a plaque. You don't have plaque money. The Freusteins have plaque money. They can climb with that. They can pay for somebody else to go to Mount Wall Climb and climb for them.... Tzedakah is charity. You were slaves. Give charity… You have to remember you had it bad… Seeing the congregants. I have it bad. That’s why I treat people nicely, Bernie. You have to remember you had it bad. I suffer every day, to remind me that I have to be kind to other people. I look at Bernie, and I realize that I can’t be that annoying… I know the Zimlowitz Bar Mitzvah had it bad. Gifts were all from the Dollar Tree… No. The kid didn’t enjoy the bags of three Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as his Bar Mitzvah gift… Not even an eighteen dollar tradition here. Everything's a dollar. That's why no dues are paid. Too much... Nobody in this congregation ever gives more than a dollar to the charity box… I know everybody does it. It's not a tradition to make sure poor people only get a dollar. Ma’ser. Tithing is important. It’s not even yours… Like Paroh. You think it’s all yours. You’re worried the poor people will have it good. Just like Paroh… You could give money to the shul. Nobody here has it good. Look at Shlomo. He’s sitting next to Frank... You know it's bad and you still don't give more than a dollar... Slaves don't get Pushka money... You have to remember you were slaves, so you are fine with other people not being like the Himmelmans… They have it bad. Everything in that house is messed up. I saw the candelabra. It’s purple… You’re not working forensics, Himmelman. In the beginning of the Parsha, we see all the generations that led to Paroh not knowing them, turning the Jews into slaves. When I look at the shul plaques, I see all the great people who led to no Jews wanting to live in Topeka and the messed-up quilt on the ark… It’s a messed up Parochet. You don’t use a community quilt to cover the ark… The Torah is not cold, Fran. Slaves are cold… Nobody can stand anybody else’s success. It bothers you. Seeing poor people with money bothers you. You see a poor person eating sushi and you’re attacking them. ‘You’re not sushi eaters. Save that money. I gave you a dollar’… Can't stand seeing a new addition to a home. Can't stand seeing a car that hasn't been banged up. Can't stand seeing kids in a private school uniform.... You are scared of other people's success, because you’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. Look at Mark over here. 28 years old. College degree. Working at stocking shelves at 7-Eleven. Fulltime. There are only 10 shelves… Stocking shelves at 7-Eleven is not a fulltime job. People work the whole place… You stock and then work the register… I’ve been there for coffee. You went to private school. You had a uniform.... What are you scared of? Paroh has fear of other people's success. That’s what led to slavery. You’re lack of Bar Mitzvah gifts causes slavery… Yes. You’re like Paroh. If you could, you would've shut down the Slurpee machine… People love Slurpees. And you would deny them of what they love. You would treat them like slaves in your 7-Eleven… Slaves can be just as selfish as kings… (Shemot 1:9-10) Paroh scares the Egyptians into reacting against the Jews, saying, 'They are more than us' oh No!!! They're multiplying like crazy. They've got to share their rooms with their brothers and sisters. Oh shoot. They’re going to multiply and then they’re going to leave… The only time in history they don’t want the Jews to leave their country, they want them to be slaves. Couldn’t even discuss if social welfare was good or not... Are we scared of the other shul that has more people? No. We don’t want more congregants. Look around. Do you want another Bernie and Tzimi? That's what's out there… We’re not scared that they have bigger Kippahs. They’re better crocheters. Let them make bigger Kippahs. Why don’t you focus on yourself and get better at knitting. It’s fear that somebody else will have it better. That’s what drives hatred. That's what drives slavery... ‘Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more numerous and stronger than we are… let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they increase, and a war befall us… and depart from the land.’ Thinks they will be greater than them and attack them. The anti-semite. Can't stand Jewish success. Sees too many yarmulkes. Does he not understand that with Jewish success comes non-Jewish labor?!... It’s about control. That’s why all you give is a dollar to Tzedakah. You can't see success... You give eighteen dollars and they can start investing.... Deal shrewdly? Keep them down. That’s what the ark quilt is doing. It keeps this congregation down… How does it happen? When you lose a sense of tradition. Connection to the past. There is tradition. Your grandparents gave Tzedakah… More than a dollar. They also paid their dues. People wanted to live in Topeka till new congregants came… When you connect, you’re not worried about what other people have… Give the quilt to a poor person. They won't take your job. Is that what this is about? You're worried that if you give too much Tzedakah, they'll be your neighbor?... And if the quilt brings them success... (Shemot- 1:8) ‘And a new king arose in Egypt that did not know Yosef.’ This is the root of the problem. New. Forgetting the past. Not knowing how to embroider. A new ark cover that makes no sense… Your ancestors new how to knit... You’re all bad at crocheting. This shul can’t even knit. I’ve never seen a congregation of people that can’t make a decent blanky. You have children walking around with pathetic looking rags. Even the kids know they’re bad. At two years old, they’re already not walking around with blankys. That’s why everybody here should be wearing the satin glow in the dark Yarmulkes… Neon purple is perfect. I love that color. It’s nicer than the Kippah Chanan got from that girl… They’re safer at night, Bernie. Knit Kippahs look bad over here. Messed up. Stop with the new… Tradition. A decent ark cover. Like a beautiful window shade… So you can see outside, and give to people who need… More than a dollar… That’s why they broke up. He knew he would have messed up blankets. All crooked… Nothing is wrong with a new king. However, there is something wrong when that king has no tradition. He becomes selfish. He has no connection with his past. A king that is all powerful and by himself, is a king that is powerless and with no basis for his rule. Just like the shul president... He knows nothing. I have no idea how he got the position. He's not even plaque worthy. The 'new king that did not know Yosef.' He was a king that had no history. No roots. Kind of like our new board member from New York, who thinks he knows everything in this town. Does Mickey even know where to get good kosher meat? Exactly. If you don’t know where to get the kosher meat for a better price, you're not connected with the tradition… A new board has been created who did not know the rabbi.... When they don’t follow tradition. When they don’t know what was before… A decent ark cover was here before... As this has been a very profound Dvar Torah. Let your rabbi add a few more words (Pirkei Avot 2:2) 'Raban Gamliel.... And anybody that works with the community, should work with them for the sake of Heaven. That the merit of the your forefathers should last, and their righteousness should last forever.' That is a quote of sorts. Raban Gamliel did not speak English. He may have not meant anything I rendered as English for his saying. But it does fit the beautiful Dvar Torah. Raban Gamliel is talking about respecting the past. Not messing up the congregation with new ideas... Yes. The idea for a wine tasting is messed up. The only kosher wine is Manischewitz... I don't need cheese with that. I drink Manischewitz with ice. Because I have tradition... If you connect with the past, you cannot be selfish. Your life is greater than you. And with that, you are happy with the success of others. You're fine with Felvel getting Aliyahs... I understand that he gets more than you, but the Gabai likes him more... If you do it for heaven and your forefathers' righteousness, you’re happy with the old ark cover, that looked good. You’re fine giving the congregants of Anshei Sinah credit for their crocheting skills… We have to support their quilt drive, because we make really bad quilts… Do you not see the quilt behind me??? You accept the success of others and it becomes yours. You don't need other people to be slaves. That is for the sake of Heaven. The success of the past... Keep it alive. Keep it in motion. The selfish ego is what halts the movement and growth. This quilt has stunted the growth of our youth. Have you seen how short... It's the quilt... With that acceptance of our legacy we can share in the happiness of others and be proud of the new $50,000 raise your rabbi has just received in these hard financial times. Yes, we understand that there are hard times for many in this congregation. But we must connect with the tradition of this congregation of paying the rabbis well. It's about selflessness... We need more plaques... t is to not listen to the 'new' board, as the 'new' Paroh, who is trying to scare you into anti-semitism- trying to stop the success of Jews. No matter how poor you may be Mark, you must pay your dues and put into the rabbis fund for his new convertible, he has decided to purchase in solidarity with the converts of Israel... We have to show solidarity. That means giving more than a dollar, Pinchas. That is our tradition, to support Jewish success and to not be anti-semites. But to connect that success with our ancestors. Which is why your rabbi has decided to take Bernie's home as his own inheritance, and as an act of selflessness dedicating himself to the past… If you accept the success of others, you don’t have to scheme. They’re part of your people… No. Anshei Seniah is not part of our shul. They don’t pay dues, we don’t want them here for Kiddish…. (Shemot 1:6) ‘And Yosef died and all his brothers, all the generation.’ It was over. The generation had passed. But it was not seeing that generation. Only seeing the future. That is what led to slavery. We have become slaves to the messed up ideas of the shul's board. Always looking to the future... You haven't visited a nursing home in thirty years, Rivka... New starts are not good. We see what happened to this congregation and the renovations... You stained the glass with grape juice... That's not art. It's a spill... Charity is what makes you good. You donate in honor of your relatives of the past… They donated. Paroh didn’t give charity. And Yitzi doesn’t give… It all leads to wanting to kill... (Shemot 1:15-17) The king of Egypt told the midwives to kill the Jewish boys. They didn’t. Why? Because they ‘feared God; so they did not do as the king of Egypt had spoken to them, but they enabled the boys to live.’ You don’t do wrong when you fear Gd. You don’t mess up the youth, like this congregation did, by planting an orchard in the garden outside... That's where the kids play. You have to care about the past. Once you stop caring about the past, you stop caring about the future... It's because you're selfish, Bernie. Global warming!!! Solidarity with poor people. means giving them decent food... Don’t treat people wrong. You give decent leftovers to other than Herman... We don't even know what those leftovers are. They've coagulated already... There is no tradition in leftovers. This stuff is not healthy for the youth... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Fear that somebody has it better causes hatred said everything. That’s why we have to know that we were slaves. To remind us that we can be fine when we have it bad. So, treat people better than Bernie does. It was a beautiful message. The rabbi even got in on me for not visiting the nursing facility. He's right. There are more people that pay dues at there than in the shul itself. It was very interesting to me that not connecting with the past can cause for somebody to want to kill our children. I can tell you that if it wasn't for the fact that I love their parents, I would've shot the Kiminsky kids. I like how the rabbi said that social climbers are Parohs. Slavery comes when it’s people you don’t know. When you’re scared of them, you want them to be slaves to you. That’s what the rabbi was talking about. The congregants are worried about the new congregants, so they make them join the sisterhood. It's a lot of hard work, and they're slaving in that kitchen, to make our Kiddish. Truth is the rabbi didn't like the idea of giving leftovers to the poor people because he loves them. He's been scoring leftover tuna and egg salad for years. He has an issue with Herman. Ever since Herman became the sisterhood's charity, the rabbi has had to hide the tuna halfway through the events. Many have complained that there hasn't been enough food at the shul events and Kiddishes. The rabbi’s main message was that there is tradition. Without tradition, we are all slaves to the shul’s board. If we can’t get better at crocheting, we will never be free Jews. We’ll have to buy the knit Kippahs, and that costs a lot. It’s that simple. Knitting and crocheting is at the foundation of our people. It's a tradition. And any new knitting styles come out messed up. When you're making a Kippah, you're not working with lanyard. Now the social climbers are into the knitted Kippah thing. It’s messed up. They want to look good among the people of Anshei Sinah. I just hope that someday I have enough money for a plaque. I think the rabbi is on the side of the Tzedakah Gabai. After Minyin, he told him to stand there until they put money in the box. Stand right in front of them, with the Pushke, and stare. The rabbi told him to follow them home if he has to. As the rabbi said, ‘They will break. They will never give more than a dollar. But they will break.’ The only issue is that they will never give more than a dollar. I think our Tzedkah guy needs training from the shnurers that come from Israel. They'll take down address and knock on doors. They’re scary. I get the feeling that most of them are criminals knocking on my door. I find myself giving more when I feel like I'm going to get robbed. I don’t get the purple light in Himmelman’s dining room. It’s messed up. Whenever I eat there, I feel like my plate is part of a crime scene. I felt bad eating the brisket. It looked like evidence. Same people are always waiting for leftovers. They don’t clean up. The rabbi said that if they want leftovers, they have to start cleaning. That caused a ruckus. Now, they have to offer to help clean. The cleaning offer met with a big fight, until Herman and the others realized that they’re helping by taking the food home; in essence, cleaning the leftovers. The rabbi started a leftovers food bank, for poor people. He thinks poor people are slaves or something like that. That’s why he linked it with the Parsha. All I know is that didn’t make it more than a week, as the shul was under investigation for food poisoning. It was decided that we should get poor people fridges. Being that some are homeless, we had to start a fridge kitchen. The only issue is that people only gave a dollar and we couldn’t afford the electric bill. Since that didn't work out, Herman has started showing up again, for the leftovers. Mount Wall Climb was a great shul activity. The rabbi's talking about social climbing and dealing with the issue led the social action committee to make a shul event at the climbing center. It was more than a dollar, but everybody can afford that. As long as it's not going to straight to charity, they're fine putting out the money. They'll give to fundraisers, but not to the Tzedakah box. The idea of using the fact that people like social climbing to go to the wall climbing center made no sense. Nonetheless, it was a great shul event. And people were too scared to say that they would not pay their dues when the rabbi was holding their rope and spotting them. Tags:
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Two years had passed since the pandemic struck, and the Minyin quorom for prayer started meeting at shul again. After much discussion, the Wise Men and Women realized that the reason why there was no quorum was that nobody was getting together. All were in awe of Berel the Gabai's brilliance, when he unveiled that revelation to the board.
This was their fourth time starting up the Minyin again and reopening the shul. The shul had three weeks of excellent attendance. All attendees had to be vaccinated, wearing masks and six pairs of gatkes for safety. It was also suggested that everybody stay far enough apart so they couldn't hear one another. It was decided by the local authorities that it is dangerous to hear other people. Once Yankel started talking, it was agreed that it was best not to hear people. Shabbat was beautiful and all were happy, even though they couldn't hear the Kaddish prayer. The shul held an amazing Chanukah party where all attendees had to be vaccinated. As discussed by the Wise Men and Women, you had to be vaccinated, wearing six pairs of gatkes and gloves with proof of showering with sanitizer, and masked in order to eat the latkes. Sour cream wasn't allowed, as it was deemed a super spreader. For Minyin quorum safety, one Wise Man suggested what they called 'zones.' So, the congregation created shul zones. They had an orange zone, a green zone, and a zone where Israelis were not protested against. The community was finally running again. Then, the next month, after the shul had finally opened and the community started to move again, the leaders of Chelm called for all religious services to stop meeting again. They said there was what they called 'another variant.' And that was it. The Minyin was over. Once the people heard the word 'variant,' there was mass hysteria around Chelm, as the Chelmites ran to safety. Some trampled others to find the best Holiday Sales they could. The UnWise Men and Women Who Thought People Should Get Together for a Quorom The Wise Men and Women decided to close the shul again. However there were some not Wise Men and Women that thought the Minyin should continue. That idea met with much disdain, and community hatred. 'It's a variant,' reproached Sarah Shaindel. 'What does the variant do?' Yankel asked. And the whole of the Wise Men and Women of Chelm ostracized Yankel for asking such a dumb question. Yankel was cut off from the community for bringing up such heresy. In ridiculing him, they used his full name, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, and in unison said, 'Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha! How dare you say that things are not that bad? How dare you bring up praying together at times like these?!' After hearing 'times like these,' Yankel had the chutzpah to reiterate, 'I was just asking what the variant did.' And from then on, it was forbidden to speak to Yankel, for he was a fool. All the Wise Men and Women knew that when somebody said 'times like these,' that meant there was a crisis and everybody should quarantine and not see people at shul. For Yankel to have not known this, and to not know that 'variants' means to take shelter, they all knew he was too great of a fool to not be isolated. 'Times like these' was later said at the shul board meeting. Nobody could show to the meeting, as that would've meant getting together. Nonetheless, the Wise Men and Women held the board meeting. When the statement 'times like these' got out to the people, all took shelter. Running home with hands flailing, you heard yells throughout Chelm, 'Times like these.' And nothing else needed to be said, shul was closed. There was a 'variant' and there were 'times like these.' There was no room for Judaism in Chelm, at times like these. And for Yankel to not realize it was times like these. Murmurs of Yankel's evil ways made their way around the community. He lost his friends, his job, and he was left in the cold. He caught pneumonia, but nobody cared, as it wasn't a variant. The Similar Case: Some Fool Wanted a Minyin Rabbi Fishel was fine with not having the Minyin. Duvidel was not happy. He didn't want the shul to shutdown again. As he said, 'There is no community if there are no people.' That was shut down by Rivka, the social chair, who said that community doesn't need people. Rivka is simply smarter than Duvidel, who always brings up dumb ideas, with his lack of knowledge. Duvidel said that he heard that the new variant doesn't affect people. And dissenting shouts came from all throughout Chelm, 'You fool. Only an idiot would repeat what he reads.' Conversations were had about the news that Duvidel watched. Talks were had and speakers stated, 'We must never watch the news anymore.' But they all realized that they would never hear about the other variants without the news, so the news was placed on the Chelm Jumbotron, to ensure that religious people didn't meet. Sarah Shaindel repeated, 'It's a new variant.' Duvidel responded, 'But it doesn't affect anybody.' And all were in shock. The Wise Men and Women were oh so bothered, asking, 'How can things not be dire? It is these times.' 'What a fool Duvidel is,' Shaindel cried out. 'But it's a variant!!!' And the shul was closed. And the leaders of Chelm were happy Duvidel went on to say that people were happy showing up to shul, and the Wise Men of Chelm ostracized Duvidel. Shlomo reiterated the feelings of the Wise Men and Women, 'How dare he say that people are happy seeing other people? Does he want to kill us?' And he continued, 'Only a fool would think you can be happy during times like these.' Other Wise Men and Women said, 'It's times like these. Did he not hear it's "times like these"?' And all knew Duvidel should be ostracized. And Shlomo happily went back to his home on the outskirts of town and was happy, as he was able to find a new series to get into. But not before he could tell Duvidel, 'It's science. We can't have a Minyin because of science. During times like these, we have to look to science.' It turned out, Duvidel, like a fool, believed in Gd. The Community Is Happy The community was finally at peace, knowing that the people who wanted to be with community were in seclusion. 'As long as there are variants, I will never go to Minyin again,' exclaimed Feivel. Berel the Gabai acquiesced, 'There will be no Minyin until the doctors tell us that there is nothing to catch.' Fayge shouted with joy, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. The only way to never catch anything is to not go to shul.' And the Wise Men and Women of Chelm, the Jews of Chelm all celebrated, as they never had to go to shul again. And they all met at the supermarket. Epilogue Duvidel's question of whether or not the variant had anything to do with the pandemic was never answered, as it was a variant. Nobody ever listened to Yankel again. He even had the Chutzpah to ask what 'the science' was. A fool with chutzpah. The masks were mandated by the city council, but criminal activity went up in Chelm. They're still looking for the people who robbed the local pharmacy. The police sketch of a man and woman wearing masks went out. To this day, the whole town of Chelm is suspect. Along with Yankel and Duvidel, the ostracized community that was put in isolation grew large and they started their own Minyin quorum of people who were not allowed to be around other people. The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided that the community needs to follow new protocol. From then on, anytime somebody said 'variant' the shul had to be immediately shut down. If anybody said 'these times' or 'times like these' all had to take shelter. It was years later, when they decided on a law that you can't yell 'variant' in a crowded shul, that the shul opened and the Minyin finally met up again. Tags:
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They are definitely making Challah. Nobody has that much kneading dough that's not for a Mitzvah. Cookies are not that much fun. (Photo: Pendleton Family Medicine 'Fun Family Activities To Do During Quarantine')
Another variant of COVID hit the world, and some states are back with mask mandates. China has locked up thirteen million people. Home seclusion can happen. It's scary. The prospect of another quarantine is scary. What is even scarier is the thought of having to spend so much time with the family, again.
You need to be prepared, just in case the family is stuck together. I am going to help you with some Jewish family activities, just in case you need to spend time with the kids. Just thinking about that is painful. As the saying goes, let's make the pandemic Jewish. I might have heard that from one of the local anti-Semites. Nonetheless, it's a beautiful thought. Embrace your families and make this time with the kids holy. Here’s how to make your time at home Jewish. Arts and Crafts with Your Children Do Jewish art with the children. Jewish arts and crafts consists of making holiday objects or a Mezuzah. Those are the two options for the season. A still claymation glob on your doorpost, or a slab of wood with some nuts on it. I understand that you missed Chanukah, but you can still catch Pesach. Make the Seder plate with the children and keep them occupied. Be sure to have them work the chicken and horseradish that is not kosher for Pesach into their art, so you have an excuse to not use it on Pesach. You never want to show your child's art. That lack of talent is embarrassing to the family. Bake a Challah Baking Challah is a beautiful Jewish family tradition. It gets the kids involved, and it gives you chance to yell at them. You're going to get mad. It might as well be for them not kneading fast enough. If the grocery stops selling flour, for whatever quarantine reason, blame that on the kids. Yelling is an important Jewish experience, as it brings back memories of preparing for the holidays. Family Pictures Use the time to connect with the past. This is a good time to connect your children with family history. Show the kids the pictures of your childhood. That is educational. The grainy pictures are best. Allow your kids to see what the world looked like before HD. Show them pictures of religious grandparents. Even if it’s not their grandparents, as long as it’s a European looking family, that’s good enough. All old pictures from Eastern Europe look like they're of religious people. The pictures should be educational. Remember, you have to be prepared to run a school in your house. The day school is not going to refund any of the $22,000 you spent. Encourage Your Children to Go Online You’re not going to keep the kids away from the TV and computer for more than a day. You'll give the speech about family time, but after five hours of being together, family time is done for the month. Caring about family for more than five hours is painful. Nobody has that kind of stamina for showing love. Give the children your phone and let them have the screen. There's only so much crying you can deal with. Don't try to keep your kids off the websites. They're going to see the shmutz during class. The day school’s video conference classes program will have them online regularly, browsing the internet and binge watching. Watching The Lord of The Rings looks like you're engaged on the webcam. A decent series is the only way your child will do well in class. Don't think your kids won't ignore you. Your child is now internet savvy and doesn’t need your help until dinner. Spring Cleaning It may be winter where you are. Even so, it's never too early get your kids to help around the house and do some spring cleaning. Turn being stuck in the house to something positive. Finally, you can paint the family room. You will have time to clean for Pesach. Passover cleaning will be done and the house will be clean as the hotel you stayed at three Pesachs ago. Tell the children it’s a Mitzvah. Telling them they’re cleaning for Passover and it’s a commandment is the best way to get them involved in spring cleaning. Tell them that they have to get rid of Chametz, and that includes raking the leaves still in the yard. My parents used to tell me there was Chametz on the windows. That's how they got those panes squeaky clean. Constantly Check If Your Kid is Sick They quarantined everybody for safety, so use it for the Mitzvah of Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life. As part of their Jewish education, let the kids know that it's a Mitzvah to skip school. Educate by example. As a parent, it's good to spend your time with the back of your hand on their foreheads. When you see them sit, have your hand there. When they go to sleep, when they eat, when they clean, when they’re online with their virtual class, have the back of your hand there. If you don’t worry for them, who will. There's a reason that any good Jewish mother will ensure their little athlete is not going to dehydrate when they're playing soccer. Eat A Lot The gyms are back to making you wear a mask. Science shows that people have a problem working out when they can't breath. You’re not going to work out. You're going to put on weight, which makes this is a holiday. Celebrate. How do we celebrate when we can’t go to the gym? We eat. Good Jews eat. We eat and we give the food a Yiddish sounding name, and we don’t go to the gym. Getting heavy is part of the Jewish tradition, and how we celebrate every holiday. This is your chance to repent and put on some weight. Eat with the family and become better Jews together. Watch a Jewish Movie That means anything with a Jew in it. This means no foreign films. Perfect Chance to Watch Shtisel as a Family When you get into the family fights, put on Shtisel and your kids will appreciate being part of your family. By foreign films, we mean anything that is not American or Israeli. If they quarantine you again, make it a great time to be at home. Make it family time. Celebrate the children. Years from now, your family will remember all the time spent together, huddled in the home. And you will say, ‘Thank Gd there is a vaccine.’ And do not ask your kids if they got vaccinated. You don't want to have to kick them out of the house. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYichi12/17/2021 
The youth convention was nice. Not many kids. The kids from the big cities thought the convention was a prank. It was a regional convention. I am sure Kansas City has Jewish kids. I don't think they knew that Topeka has Jewish kids, or that it is a place. They're thinking about hosting the next convention where people can find it. It seems that kids can't find Topeka. I have a feeling that we would benefit from better Midwest geography studies.
It was tough recruiting for the convention, but we did it for our kids. There were around twelve kids from other towns. They found those kids with phonebook use. Anybody who had a 'berg' at the end of their name was considered Jewish enough to attend. The convention killed the Topeka Jewish pride. The idea was to bring Jewish pride to the Jewish kids in our city. If the other cities didn't think it was a joke, that would've helped. The convention ended with a Shlock Rock show. It was a show for the kids, but they needed more than fifteen people at the show. So, it became a community event, and everybody hung out at the refreshments table. All shul events are based around Kiddish. Refreshments suffices for Kiddish. Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, engagements, birthdays, board meetings. Everything has Kiddish refreshments. Bingo has a Kiddish too. You just have to pay for Kiddish at Bingo. Christmas buzz has been making it around the shul. The local soft rock has been playing Christmas songs and the Jews can’t avoid it. Hallmark is the favorite channel of the Jewish women in our community. Sisterhood loves it. Past two months it’s only been Christmas movies. There are no Thanksgiving movies. Just Christmas. There is too much influence. Multiple people wished me a Merry Shabbat. I got pulled into another conversation I couldn't get out of. She didn’t let me go in the conversation. She didn't hold me, but she kept on going with another side thought and went on for an hour. Not one breath. She knew I would run if she breathed. It’s a skill to keep somebody in conversation without the arm hold. You need excellent lungs for that. The rabbi banned the armhold last week. I have to tell him about this. He has to ban the no breath too. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom Last Parsha in Bereishit… No. We’re not finished. We continue reading the Torah after this. It’s not a read it once kind of book. You read it again… I know you know the ending… Really. How does it end, Sima?... Thank you Shlomo. Thank you for reading the last few Psukim and interrupting the sermon. You killed it for everybody. Now nobody’s going to show up to shul… Because they all know the ending, Shlomo. It’s the same reason many of our congregants still haven’t seen Wonder Woman, Shlomo… You don’t say ‘The Torah is a good read.’ You learn it… We wouldn’t have a people if it was ‘a read.’ You don’t know how it ends, because we are still living… Michael. You are part of the Torah. Kimmy. You’re part of the Torah. No. Bernie. You’re not. You’re an annoying father-in-law… (Bereishit 47:28) 'And Yaakov lived in Mitzrayim.' The Torah uses the word 'ויחי'- 'lived.' A word used to mean living, life, something that is not felt here right now. With all the deadbeats showing up to shul. I have not seen a smile in a half a year, since the Bat Mitzvah tripped over the Bimah... Does anything positive happen in this congregation… I know we’re not in Israel. Sadie. You could’ve joined us. You skipped out on the last trip… COVID wasn’t around then. That’s not an excuse… You can't live if you don't have your children. They left... They wouldn't have paid their dues anyways... How do you live? That’s the question. How do we live the Torah, so that we can say ‘we lived?' Not like the back left corner, who sits there passing on depression… You make other people unhappy. Seeing you makes me feel like I am not living. You exude death. That's how depressing your section of the shul is... Yaakov was crying for Eretz Yisrael… He cared Mushky. He cared… Men cry too, Mushky... If the back left corner let out a tear every once in a while, they would be happier people... If he's crying for Israel, how is Yaakov living? That's the question... Crying is part of living. We need more crying in this shul. Everybody take a moment and look to your neighbor. Think about what you did wrong in your life to deserve to sit next to them, and let out a tear.... How can somebody 'live' in Egypt? How can one have life in a place such as Egypt? Once a person has lived in Israel… It’s the King’s Castle… I think the Rambam says it… OK. Chazal… In Israel, the intensity of life hit them. With that feeling, how can they feel the connection with life outside of Israel?... Yes, non-Jews may have a beautiful life without Jews in the Diaspora. How can a Jew be happy in the Diasporan when we have to travel 8 hours for a kosher meat?... He lived because finally he was with Yosef. Family... You don't want your kids coming home from college... In (Bereishit 46:3-4) we see the answer: H’ tells Yaakov- ‘Do not fear from going down to Egypt, for I will make you a great nation there....I will go down with you, and I will also bring you up.’ There is no great nation being made in Topeka right now. We’re fighting over the Walmart vs Tom’s Hardware and Brooms… H' didn't say He'll make a great nation in Topeka. No nachis here... I'm on Tom's side, but there's no nachis when your kids can't share a Tonka truck... Slavery was abolished here... Yaakov had to be consoled, as he did not want to leave Israel (Rashi). You think I wanted to be here?... Knowing the future will be good, that your future generations, your kids, will do something, can make you happy. Do something… Yes. That’s the point. Do something with your lives. Then maybe there wouldn't be such depression exuded from the Fran and Sadie section... They're too old to bring nachis. You have to bring them nachis... Knowing the future will be good. Knowing your kids will do something with their lives. Knowing they won't go to Kiddish club. That brings happiness... Not your happiness. Happiness to your ancestors, Ron. We're doing as good as we can outside of Israel, without slavery. Without fear, one may live. The fear of living right, the fear of living with meaning. Yaakov was praised on his diaspora, with meaning. H' tells him, 'I will go down with you'... H' did not tell you he'll join you on your vacation to Disney World. That was your decision. A great nation will not be made in Disney... When there is H' with you, there is meaning. There is no more fear. There is life. You can live. Is H’ with us here?... That was rhetorical, Bernie. H’ is not among us. Look around… No. That’s Fran. We know you like her. Is H' here? I would venture to say He is not at the Kiddush club. You can pass on that message to the members of the Kiddush club who are drinking schnapps right now, instead of listening to this brilliant mussar (moral teaching)... There’s no promise of going back to Israel… Not if you don’t join the shul trip, Sadie... Why you are not living in Israel... I understand you won't move to Israel. Business is too good. You can underwrite the tour to Israel... If business goes down... You should be blessed for you business to go bankrupt, after you pay your dues, Yankel. Is that what it takes to make Aliyah... I know Jewish school is free in Israel... Now, I did not get a calling to be here, in this congregation. There was a good salary... A large salary is a sign from H'. H' told me to come for six figures. So, I did... He didn't tell me about Bernie... The shul trip. Don't forget.... Yaakov is also promised that he will be taken back to Israel. The greatest comfort of all, knowing you won't have to spend too long at Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah... After he passed away, was he not taken back to Israel?... OK then. With all of this 'life,' he still asks Yosef to bury him in Eretz Yisrael. The land of Israel is where his soul is connected... Jews want to be in Israel. Yes. That is the message, Bernie. Life in Israel... Yaakov didn't want to leave Israel. He was blessed to leave. Yet, he never gave up on going back. Unlike Mr. Felsenblum who made it a point to protest Israel's right to existence, when he decided on serving meatballs and not falafel at the shul fundraiser... I understand we have had falafel for every Israel night for the past 38 years. Not that point. The point is that Mr. Felsenblum does not understand the importance of yearning to be in Eretz Yisrael. That is where the life comes from. Yaakov is able to live outside of Eretz Yisrael, because he is still connected with it, through H'. And H' likes falafel. And he is yearning the whole time... You yearn for Israel when you eat Sima and the sisterhood's falafel balls. Anybody who has had the sisterhood's falafel balls can only think of their need to return to Eretz Yisrael... I do not want to speak bad of the Neturei Karta in our community... With all that said. May you please give the rabbi a good reason to stay in this shul. As we all know, the contract is being renegotiated. I believe H's message was that He is with the rabbi outside of Israel, with a meaningful salary of six figures... Yosef is made to promise that he will not bury Yaakov in Egypt. As Yaakov pleaded (Bereishit 47:30) ‘And I shall lay down with my fathers…’ Is Ma'arat HaMachpelah not comfortable. Yaakov even makes Yosef swear (47:31), because you can’t trust your children. What gives you strength? What gives you strength to do what’s right? It's crying for Eretz Yisrael and your kids not messing up, Bryan... Yaakov is sick and he is told that Yosef is coming, (Bereishit 48:2) ‘and he makes himself strong.’ He puts in that extra effort to sit up on the bed… When a sick person knows somebody is coming, they put in that effort. When a healthy person knows the shul needs them for a Minyin, they don't show up… I’ve been to the Jewish Nursing Society and these people don’t get up at all… Because you don’t visit… Michael visits, but he brings no nachis. They still lay down. They seem him and they want to die... If any of you were inspiration, sick people would be trying harder. They'd be running around, swimming laps in the pool at ninety... He doesn’t want to look bad for his children and grandchildren. That’s what gives him strength… Is there any embarrassment Bernie? You sleep for the sermons. Your kids don’t need to see this. Yaakov is ill and he gets up for his children. Your grandchildren see you and... The kids cause him to live. Seeing Yosef is alive causes him to live. Michael. You bring no nachis... But don't overdo your life... (Bereishit 48:3-5) He has strength, so he tells Yosef about H’s blessing of making him a nation and giving him Israel, and he tells Yosef that Ephraim and Menashe are his children. Nachis. He has a future. He knows his children will become a nation... That's more than eighty members in a synagogue… I understand Chanan still can’t get a date… You have to go to New York Chanana. There are Jewish girls there. You need kids to make a nation, Chanan... Yaakov takes credit for Yosef’s kids. Yosef was first dead by Yehudah last week, and now his children are Yaakov’s… You should be so lucky for your children to be your fathers’. You can’t raise them… Phil. You’re just a bad father-in-law. You get in the way… Shlomo definitely takes credit for his grandkids… Overbearing. That’s what it is. That’s why your daughter-in-law hates you. If Michael would bring nachis... Yes. Your Zayde would have strength. He would feel alive and take credit for you… I know that would get your mom mad... The grandkids bring life. When they’re not around… Not an excuse. They would be showing upto shul. They would get out of the nursing home and showup. They don't want to, because there is no nachis... They don't want to take credit for what you've done to this shul... (48:8-9) And then Yaakov asks who came with Yosef and Yosef tells him that their ‘my children.’ Possessive like every one of the kids in this congregation. ‘It’s mine.’ Not one of the kids knows how to share. They go to junior congregation and get one toy each. Five balls and they each get one. Share with your parents. Share a Tonka truck for crying out loud... Yes. Cry… You don’t even invite your parents to dinner… You stuck your dad in a nursing facility. Where is he going to find his strength… He has dementia right now. If he thinks your kids are his, let it be. THEY RAISED YOU!!! Yaakov tells Yosef to bring them over, ‘and I will bless them.' He is thinking about the next generation. He doesn't want them doing Kedusha, in the Chazzin's repetition, to 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas.' He wants his grandchildren to have multitudes to be friends with. He wants decent conventions for the youth... The advisors are trying too hard. The getting too into benching. It was crazy… We notice you. You don't need to be standing on a chair to thank Gd for food... It's not proper manners to stand at a table, even if you're trying to bring excitement to teenagers... Yaakov wants to have a say in their lives, so they don't mess up... That's why this shul is bringing no nachis... Yaakov didn't do the arm hold. It was a head hold... If it was that tight, would Yosef have been able to have switched the hands?... When you can give a Bracha to your grandkids, that's living... A Bracha that they shouldn't have to see the back left of this shul. It's depressing... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi used the word ‘deadbeats’ and he lost everybody under sixty. The crying session was beautiful though. Sitting next to Fran had me doing a lot of Teshuva. People were beating their hearts for what they did wrong to deserve the punishment of sitting in shul. The rabbi should give this speech every Yom Kippur. Looking around the congregation, it makes you want to cry. I think the rabbi forgot that there was a youth convention. Usually one of the kids gets up to speak. His message was about how bad their families are, and how the youth brings no nachis. We’ve never given that message at a youth convention. The conventions are usually about having the kids want to be religious, and marry Jewish. Now, they’re worried their father-in-laws will take their kids from them. Hopefully the kids will visit their grandparents, even if their parents threw them into a nursing home and the grandparents have no idea who the grandkids are. The rabbi was right. If they have no idea who their grandkids are, they'll probably have mor nachis. Had the singalong at the end of Shabbat. A lot of kids crying. I was in the back, crying too. You just cry when you sway. When you put your arm around somebody’s shoulder and sway, you cry. Singing with an arm around a friend brings tears. An arm around somebody you just met that weekend is even more emotional. Those kids that just met are best friends now, as they don't know each other. It turns out that not knowing somebody makes you closer friends. To be honest, seeing Fran sway makes me cry even more. Shlock Rock did good. You can't be too emotional when you're singing songs like 'My Menorah' and lyrics of 'Achashverosh Achashverosh Ah-Ah-chasverosh.' The kids needed to bring down the level of emotion. The Shlock Rock show was awesome. Loved the songs. I didn’t know the lyrics, but I loved the songs. Great stuff. I know the original lyrics. I just have hard times remembering the Jewish lyrics. 'I was born in the USA.' I know those lyrics. I think Shlock Rock adds in, 'Now I'm making Aliyah today.' That's a lie and I've already made enough resolutions that I will have to atone for on Yom Kippur. The community really is influenced by the Christmas songs. The Chazzin sang Kedusha to 'The Weather Outside is Frightful' and 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas.' Even Shlock Rock was influenced, singing 'I'm Dreaming of a White Challah.' In an effort to grow Jewish identity, the rabbi got everybody to sign a petition that the local softrock station, and Delilah After Dark, only play Christmas song for a month and a half before Christmas. The rabbi is trying to change the law to make it illegal to play Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. The rabbi’s point of not knowing how the Torah ends, was brilliant. We’ve had so many classes with people and guest lecturers that try to kill it for us. Telling us what it all means and how it ends. Even Yaakov didn't tell his kids how it ends. I am still trying to figure out how the visiting professor from Hebrew University, Dr. Sofhayom, knows. Truth is that Sima had no idea. She can’t read Hebrew. The rabbi was teaching us that the ending of the Torah is the end of the world. When he was asked how it ends, the rabbi started talking about the Neviim for a good twenty-five minutes. Around thirty people walked out of the sermon in protest of the Torah, which they declared is not the reason they come to shul. One congregant got real mad and yelled, 'You can't bring the Prophets into the sermons now. That'll be another half an hour.' They were mad that Kiddish wasn’t starting sooner. Ron walked out real angry, exclaiming, ‘I can care less how the Torah ends.’ Then he looked at Sima and told her she should’ve gone to Hebrew school. At Kiddish, Michael told me that he would’ve been not happy if Sima was in his class. He doesn’t like when people ask questions and keep the class going longer. He calls them ‘recess killers.’ The rabbi didn’t deal with the nobreath in his speech. However, the bulletin did have something in it that says that you can’t go for more than five sentences without a response. You also can’t talk without a breath for more than three minutes. If somebody picks up something and starts walking to the door, you can’t cut them off and you have to stop talking to them. You can say goodbye, but that’s it. There is really no nachis in this shul. Rabbi was right. There are no Jewish girls in Topeka. At least Chanan dated all of them. They already know about him, and to know about Chanan is to hate him. Chanan went down to New York. He went for what they call a Shabbaton. He realized that the youth Shabbaton convention at our shul this week wasn't his target population. In New York, he met seven women and dated none of them. He said there were too many, so he couldn’t date. He didn’t have enough money for that much coffee. The shul decided to host a fundraiser for Chanan to go down to New York and to be able to afford coffee for him and a woman. We raised enough money for one date in New York. After calculating, that’s twelve dates in Topeka. The rabbi is definitely getting a cut of the shul's upcoming trip to Israel. Tags:
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The Rebbe of Lublin was a great Rebbe, and he lived in Lublin. He did not live in Lvov. He lived in Lublin. They were thinking of calling him the Rebbe of Lvov, but he didn't live there, and he didn't even like visiting Lvov.
Every morning, he would sit at the head of his table and pray, 'H' I'm praying for my breakfast.' And at that moment, his servant would come out and bring him his breakfast. At that point, the Rebbe would say, 'H' thank you for my breakfast.' And the servant was bothered, as he knew he wasn't Gd. He had some friends that were pretentious and gaudy, who thought they were great, but he knew he wasn't Gd. He was bringing the rebbe his breakfast, not Gd. The next day, as always, the Rebbe did the same, coming home, sitting in his seat and singing to Gd, 'H' I'm praying for my breakfast.' The servant then brought out the breakfast, and the Rebbe said, 'H' thank you for my breakfast.' And the servant went back to the kitchen, angry, wanting to yell, 'When will he learn my name?!! I've been working for him for years. I am not Gd. Does he not know where his breakfast comes from?' To note, saying 'servant' is OK. This is the 1800s. Being a servant was a good job. The next day, the same thing happened, and the servant was angered that the Rebbe shows appreciation to Gd and not to him. The servant then came up with a scheme. He decided that he won't bring him breakfast the next morning. A better scheme would've been to bring the Rebbe bull's-eye eggs. The Rebbe liked them scrambled. Bull's-eye would've thrown the Rebbe for a loop. That next morning, the Rebbe started praying, 'H' I'm praying for my breakfast.' The servant came out with an empty tray. That was funny in an ironic way back then. The field of comedy wasn't fully developed yet. It was pre-vaudeville. At that exact moment, there was a knock at the door, and a man stood there thanking the Rebbe, as his wife is OK. He stood there with food, and asked the Rebbe to take it, as a gesture of their appreciation. And the Rebbe ate it and said, 'H' thank you for my breakfast.' How the eggs were still warm is a miracle that nobody can explain to this day. And from that moment on, the servant knew he would never get thanked. Lessons of What Followed He understood from the incident that he would never be appreciated, as all comes from Gd. To feel fulfilled, he started looking to alcohol. Yet. He showed up to work every day, on time, and always made breakfast, lest he lose his job to another thankful congregant. It turns out the servant didn't get the raise he was hoping for. It was impossible for him to find the right time to ask for a raise. Gd got in the way of that too. What bothered the servant even more was that the Rebbe couldn't even thank the guy at the door. It appears he forgot that guy's name too. Check out the song on Journeys II Tags:
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The people look serious, because they have no idea what the rabbi is saying. They're trying to figure out why the rabbi is using words they don't understand, like 'imprecations.' (Photo: Youtube Park Avenue Synagogue Rosh Hashana Sermon)
The rabbi gave a sermon earlier this year about a deluge and I was confused. My whole life, I learned about the flood, the ‘mabool,’ and the rabbi was going off on some kind of water park ride sounding thing.
People later told me that the deluge was the flood, and I asked why the rabbi didn't just say 'the flood.' Once again, I was feeling like a fool, because my English comprehension was not good enough to understand another rabbi. My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language. I was stuck. Why do they translate the Hebrew into English that is harder to understand than the Hebrew itself! This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton, phylacteries, benedictions... Here are some of my memories of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis. I bring them to you, because I don't want you to think you're the only one who was poorly educated. A Childhood of Not Understanding It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ No idea what quorum means. I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve for a group of ten men to give me a quorum? I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then he pulled out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ I was confused. Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I had an idea of what Tefillin were. It was at that point that I requested from my rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’ My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good. Sermon I Still Don’t Understand from the Same Rabbi The rabbi began with his ‘Exegesis from Leviticus from the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra, from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I congratulated him in the simple Hebrew Jewish way. I didn’t want him to be confused. I was already confused enough from his speech. Another Sermon I Still Don't Understand It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to Gd, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. He lost me. Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have talked about that. I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English. I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that if I was a botanist, I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes. I Was Lost in The Service Until the added Musaf service of Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when they started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into my silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players. Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark. All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. I was confused the whole time. My Message to American Rabbis that I Respect If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use English words. Let’s move away from the language used in the 1930s and talk in an English the congregants can identify. A simple English. Not a pre-Shakespearian English that my English Lit professor can’t recognize. I understand it is fun for you to create words like firmament, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew. Stop using words you created, like legumes, beadle, sexton firmament, countenance, quorum, tabernacle. Use words like beans and peas, shul helper, heaven, face, Minyin, Sukkis. Something that I can recognize. Vocabulary your congregants identify. Maybe you are trying to add in a Hebrew flavor to your speech, using words congregants can’t grasp; thus, adding to the feeling of the Hebrew prayers that they are reading in transliteration. Maybe those are English words. Maybe you didn’t create them. I am sorry. It was my English education. If I would’ve read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I grew up in Britain, maybe if I grew up in the 1500s, I would comprehend. I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been the inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge. Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYigash12/10/2021 
A lot of internal family fights in the shul recently, and nobody knows how to say that they are wrong. There is a lot of wrong, but nobody is taking the blame. There is blaming. As a bystander, I can say that they're all to blame. I blame them all. I see them at shul and they are all annoying. Some don't let you go. They hold you in conversation and tell you jokes they already told you. Some don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom' all the time. Those are the snubbers. Some do nothing and want credit for that. I don't understand how they want credit for nothing.
There has been much splitting up of families since people started moving to Israel. Now, everybody is right when they tell their siblings that what they are doing is wrong. It makes family fights more even-keeled. You can tell your sibling that what they are doing is wrong, and you are definitely right. Living in Topeka is wrong because you're not living in Israel, and living in Israel is wrong because you're not in Topeka. The board is trying to figure out why we are losing so many members. Some blame it on the other shuls, even though the other shuls are losing people. Some blame it on the economy. It's the rabbi's support of Israel. The rabbi's speeches about moving to Israel have been successful. We've lost an average of five members a year. If you stay in Topeka you are wrong. If you abandon Topeka you are wrong. Everybody is confused. Those who stayed in Topeka are definitely wrong. They do nothing for the shul. The shul always puts on weight on holidays. Advertisements go out all over the community every holiday. This Chanukah it had a before picture of a guy taking down a doughnut and very thin. The after picture is a guy’s face full of Sufganiah powder and forty pounds heavier. It’s the only before and after picture I have ever seen that gives no hope. The shul fundraiser is not working out right now. They just put in $20,000 on the Chanukah show. Saying it is a Chanukah success to receive $8,000; it makes no sense. I believe that if we don't lose more than what we spent, the board considers that a huge success now. We had a guest speaker go off last week on his trip to Jewish Thailand. It was an outline of the trip and painful. Pointless soliloquies. He just went on. I think he hit every side point possible. I fell asleep. Very relaxing though. I commend him for that. The shul decided to pay for speakers from now on. This way, they can dictate the message and tell them when to stop. Why the shul brings in speakers makes no sense. They are never that great. I heard these people are charging $30,000 to share their thoughts. The shul already felt that the Chanukah fundraiser was a success before it began, since they made $10,000 by not hiring the speaker that people pay to get. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom Koolam, Chanukah is over and this community needs a diet. I'm not going to go off on Scott... That's not just Sufganiot. That's doughnuts and binge watching. That is Chanukah plus weight... I'm not going to go off on a long speech today. Just going to review what Yehudah said... (Bereishit 44:18-30) Yehudah starts with his whole speech to Yosef, 'We have an old dad....' Not realizing that Yosef has that same dad. This is why Rivkie always loses the family fights… You don’t realize that you have the same parents. We all understand that it is an anomaly to have your siblings donating to the shul’s New Table fund… Exactly. You live here and don’t pay your dues. How you come from the same parents… You can't say 'it's your side of the family,' when you're talking to your siblings... It works with your spouse, because he has a different side. His side doesn't pay dues either... (Bereishit 44:18) He tells Yosef that he is ‘like Paroh.’ I am not saying you are like Paroh. Paroh would pay his dues… Each family here has somebody who is like a Paroh. I heard Yankel didn't help out with raking this year. Paroh. Paroh never helped with the raking... What does it mean to be like Paroh? The board… Who is like a Paroh here?! Let’s see. Mendel couldn’t translate anybody’s dreams correctly. We have the back left sitting on their comfortable chairs and doing nothing. We have… Is it even a board? The dumbest decisions… You do nothing. Rashi explains that like Paroh, you say but don’t do… Your jokes are not helpful Bernie. You and Hymie say a lot… Where were you for the Chanukah party? Do something. Do a talent show. That could be a good fundraiser. And people wouldn't have to listen to you at Kiddish. The redemption begins when Yehudah finally tells Yosef about their dad. A bit of remorse. It’s a matter of looking back generations. If you were to think back to all the generations you let down... You need slavery for redemption, Bernie. What do you think I am doing here… Yes. Rivkie. They paid their dues. Yaakov's family paid dues... If I was going to give a speech about your parents, it would be that they are worried about losing this congregation… They don’t care about losing you… Yehudah doesn't stop. He keeps on nagging. He says, ‘My father didn't want... Then you make me bring my brother. I had to put in some effort. I had to walk all the way back home. It's Israel. Customs takes hours…’ And he keeps on going on and on, like Mrs. Feldstein, when she wanted to bring in the Baptist minister to give the speech for her daughter's Bat Mitzvah. 'Why can't I? He is clergy and you are clergy too rabbi? Jesus was a Jew!... WahWahWah…' Yehudah’s speech made sense. He legitimately cared about his dad… He didn’t let them down Mrs. Feldstein. It wasn't like he was going Messianic… It's a different religion... I am not saying that you sold your siblings into slavery. However, I feel like working with you is slavery… You all nag. Then you give the speech. Oh. It isn't right that we have to pay for Jewish education. It should be free... How many of you show up to minyan? Oh, we can't... Then 'we have to wake up'... then 'I am tired'... 'the breakfast isn't good enough... I need fat free doughnuts...' You all complain and give speeches. Yehudah's speech was about acknowledging their father. Caring for him. Remorse for the bad he did. Acknowledging what our parents need... They ate fat filled doughnuts and they were thin... (Bereishit 44:20) Yehudah tells him that Binyamin’s brother is dead... He tells Yosef that he is dead. Family fights in this shul have to stop. Pulling hair over who gets an Aliyah… Caring for your siblings. When was the last time you asked about their kids... Yehudah could care less about Yosef's kids... They didn't even exist to him. The same way Melvin's brother takes away his Aliyahs and doesn't even care if he gets a Sufganiah... It was Kohen. It was between you and your brother. Did you forget he was there? Let me just tell you the rest of the story. This is where you learn that it is wrong to sell you your siblings to slavery. Why I have to tell the congregants this is… At this point, Yosef ends up revealing himself to his brothers. Yosef couldn't handle it any longer. The yapping of Yehudah was not going to stop. He repeats the whole story of what happened. Comes up with his own lyrical prose and Yosef can't stand it. How would you feel if Melvin told you you were dead?... Exactly, Simmy. He treats you that way. He never lets you take the Aliyah. The Gabai thinks you're dead too... Look at the Torah, it is a whole 16 psukim/sentences. It is so long that it needed a break. The rabbis decided to put in Sheini, in the middle of it… Speeches back in the day used to be only two sentences long… Bernie. Nobody wanted to hear your jokes. They’re long... That is also why they didn't repeat stuff all the time. You’re old and you repeat stuff. Yaakov didn’t repeat constantly… I repeat, because you don’t listen… Nobody wants to hear the same joke… Yehudah didn’t stop going on. So, Yosef gave in. The same way we have to give into Bernie and Hymie at Kiddish, when they grab our arms. It was so painful that Yosef couldn't hold back anymore from telling his brothers the truth. This is why I am extremely honest with you and how messed up this congregation is… It’s painful, and it would kill our ancestors to know this is what is going on. And no dues are paid… If you would finally listen to me, we would be redeemed. Maybe some Nachis, Michael. When you care you nag… The sisterhood cares about the flowers. A lot of nagging. It’s painful when people repeat old stories. Almost as painful as hearing the same jokes every day… Hymie. We love you. You are getting old, we understand. But you've got to start sharing some new material with us. We respect that you found some really good jokes that work, but you haven't had one new one in the past twenty years… We have to listen to you, because you hold our arms when you talk, and you are old... At least look on the internet and try to find a new joke... You can’t keep us hostage to your stories, with the arm hold… Yehuda had Yosef’s attention at least. It was revealing to Yosef to hear he was dead. It shows that not everything that is said is the truth… Even when Bernie says ‘it’s a true story,’ he is lying and trying to tell a joke. It's his delivery. 'This happened to me...' We learn from Yosef to let out the truth. When you see that it is time, you must reveal the truth. At this moment, as your rabbi, I cannot hold back from telling Mr. Osenberg, 'You really… I can’t stand you.' The truth is out. I have revealed it. You have never even as much as donated a Kiddish… There have been graduations. Your kids graduated. You show up to Minyan. We are happy about that, until you talk to us. You eat the breakfast every day. But you show up, just for the breakfast. You don’t even have Teffilin marks. You even joined the Kiddish club. You even eat at the regular Kiddish, and you take all the kichel… Other people love the stuffed air pockets too. But you never donate a Kiddish. I am not trying to get you to sponsor anything, I am just making a point that the congregation can’t stand you… You have reasons. For crying out loud, your parents are great people who sponsored kiddishes… They’re endowment sponsors Kiddishes. They’re not even alive anymore, and they still give more than you to the shul… I feel that being honest and telling the full stories of how you are letting down your ancestors will lead to peace in this congregation. Hymie's dad was known for great jokes... The difference between Yehudah and Mrs. Feldstein or Mr. Osenberg, is that Yehudah cared about his dad. At least until the end, when the selfishness comes out and then he complains about having to see his dad being hurt. Yehudah starts saying stuff like 'I do not want to deal with this.' Yosef heard the pain of his father losing his son… That’s what moving to Israel does to the Fledsteins… If you would join the shul trip, you would be able to see your daughter. We commend her on joining the Israeli army... You didn't lose a daughter. You gained a country. And if the ushers can please go around with the Israel Bonds appeal cards again... (Bereishit 44:29) Yehudah, in explaining his dad's feelings, quotes Yaakov and says that if disaster should befall Binyamin, 'Then you will have brought my old age into a bad...' End. I understand Yaakov. If he would've had to give Drashas here in his old age... He would've went into a deep despair... Rashi explains that Binyamin is what comforts Yaakov on the passing of Yosef and Rachel. And to lose Binyamin would be like losing all 3 of them in one day. he same way we lost Felvel. He was funny... I’ve had a lot of losses in this shul. Lost my parking spot to a handicap sign… Yosef already lost his family. He had been there, and now he is about to come out of his own death, by becoming one with his family again. He needed comfort. Yaakov needed comfort. Your jokes bring no comfort, Bernie. They make old age feel very bad… If we’re going to have to listen to that in old age… Laughing is healthy. The Sufganiot leftovers and your jokes are not… The problem is the Sufganiot is where this congregation finds its comfort… If you would’ve given a donation to the Building Table Fund and not Sufganiot… Find comfort in making your family proud. Acknowledge them and you won't be in despair. This congregation is in despair because the families are messed up... We all have our problems. Yosef lets his family know that, here and now. As he is hearing the issues they have, he comes back and lets them know, 'We are all in the same place'... Don't do that Sharon. It is so annoying when you bring your problems into the conversation... Let other people have the problem spotlight for a few moments. They should get the attention too. You always have to outdo them and show-off... We know you have it worse. We are with you every week... 'Right now, we are all in the same place. We suffer losses. You suffer right now. I suffered before. Now you understand what I was put through with this congregation. You are now able to understand. Maybe now you will connect with me. Let us get past this and move on. Stop complaining, it is annoying.' Not a quote from the Torah, but a feeling you get when Yosef calls for an intimate moment with his brothers... Dealing with the Egyptians was like dealing with this shul... The problem is that you shouldn't be complaining. However, we must all be one that hears the other person complaining. Hear their needs. Once we get over Mrs. Feldstein's continuous need to have a baptist minister at the shul, and Hymees' long drawn-out set-up for the joke we heard. After feeling that pain of another, the shared pain of this congregation, can we move towards redemption, and get a decent ark cover. Seeing the way this congregation acts, it’s as if the ancestors are dead… I know they’re dead. You respond like Paroh. It’s Yehudah’s Teshuva and caring for their dad. Caring for their ancestors. That's what keeps people good. If you did Teshuva, the new table would be here already... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The Israel Bonds appeal didn't work on Yom Kippur this year. I think that using the Feldsteins made for the perfect time for Israel Bonds appeal. The rabbi was waiting for the right moment. It took him two and a half months, but he nailed it this time. There was still little money given by the congregants. Nothing could be expected from them, as they already put out $5 a head for the Chanukah concert. Even so, it was great timing and the ushers were on cue. The rabbi should've said that the $5 for the concert was Tzedakah. Then people would've felt like they weren't spending their money for the show. The shul could've charged a hundred-fifty bucks a ticket if the rabbi called it charity. The people in our congregation are willing to throw their tithing money anywhere. As long as the rabbi says it's charity, they'll spend it. I don't know how the rabbi connected Yaakov's kids leaving Israel to our kids going to Israel, but that seemed to be the message. The rabbi pushed the Israel trip again. Mrs. Feldstein won’t accept that her children moving to Israel is a positive. She says they abandoned her, and that she needs security guards at her home to keep away the 'Mushlachim,' the people who come around asking for charity. The message of going down to Egypt wasn't what the rabbi wanted to focus on the Jewish community. The rabbi feels enslaved enough as it is in Topeka. And the congregants would rather go to Egypt on their next trip. Egypt is more exotic to them. The only reason the rabbi hasn't left this congregation is that there is no famine in our city yet. The board feels that a trip to Egypt will have a better message to our congregants. We've lost a lot of members to Israel. It seems that Israel is not a good message for the shul's future. The board has decided that when they hire the next rabbi, it's going to be somebody who doesn't like Jews. They need someone who is anti-Israel, for retention. That was a long speech. What Yehudah said was a long speech. The rabbi got that message across through example. I believe the rabbi set the example of what Yehudah's speech was. His speech got so long, he left the Bima and went to the congregation and held somebody's arm, to make sure that he could continue his speech. That speech was like the Thailand speech. He hit every sidepoint about what Yehudah said. I don’t think he really touched on what Yehudah was saying. I fell asleep. From what I understand, Yehudah did stuff and never took blame. He was a holder and talker. The shul gave up on the Building Fund. They now started focusing on a table. The idea Is to find success. The board realizes they can successfully raise three-hundred dollars. As the president said, ‘Little wins.’ The board loves the new concept. Heating is down right now, but we were told that when we get the table, we can all gather around the table for warmth. The heating bill is too much to focus on. Small wins. Due to the lack of dues and donations, the rabbi ordained that kids can't graduate unless if their parents donate a Kiddish. It turns out that the best time to donate Kiddish is after holidays, as the communal diet plan calls for no cakes and potato kugel at Kiddish, after holidays. The issue with the rabbi ordaining the Kiddish rule is that some congregants took Michael's pun seriously, and now some of the congregants feel that once they sponsor a Kiddish they should get Smicha. The leftover Sufganiot party was not a success. Those doughnuts went bad real quick. Following the Parsha, the rabbi taught a class on family relationships and how having a bad sense of humor kills them. I think the rabbi blamed the shul board for Yosef being sold. In all of his family counseling sessions the next few months, he told the families that it's Pinchas the President's fault. Being like Paroh was taken two ways. Some wanted to be just like Paroh. Powerful and doing nothing. Others wanted to not be like Paroh, so they stopped helping cleanup. They claimed that Paroh would've made sure the shul was clean. Not helping the family clean the leaves is a Paroh move. The talent show of people telling jokes that we heard at Kiddish, from Bernie and Hymie, was not that great. It was like hearing Bernie and Hymie tell jokes at Kiddish. It just wasn't Kiddish. It was an embarrassment. If their ancestors would’ve seen it, they would’ve went into a deep despair. Because they were seperated from the audience, and couldn't hold their arms, half of the audience left in the first five minutes. As they were leaving, the Finkelwitzs said they heard the joke before. Lesson learned was that telling jokes at Kiddish can kill your act. The rabbi really hates having to listen to their jokes. He considers it slavery, and he believes that we shouldn’t be going back to Mitzrayim. The rabbi made it clear that you can’t hold somebody’s arm when talking to them anymore. It is considered Halachikly wrong and an act of enslaving others to your story. Bernie and Hymie are now having a hard time finishing their stories. People are walking away. Everybody was confused, as Yosef didn’t pass away. He was alive and there, and Yehudah was talking to him. The rabbi explained that it was similar to giving a sermon to our membership. They’re there, but it feels dead. Tags:
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Jewish Scenes: Guest Speaker Q&A12/9/2021 
That guy is definitely not asking a question. He is too passionate. He's giving his speech to the speaker right there. (Photo: Jan Karski Educational Foundation- Polish Jewish Studies Workshop)
Scene
INT – SHUL – NIGHT Speech just ended and it is open to questions, known as the Q&A part of the speech. The Microphone Person goes around with the microphone to the people. His official name is Microphone Person. The shul made up a rule that there's no microphone line, as the whole room would be on it. Standing in a line to get up to that microphone. Everybody has something to say. Microphone Person: We have a question from Mrs. Goldman. Mrs. Goldman: That was a great speech. I love your new book. Saw the cover. Looks great. We follow you. Microphone Person: Would you like to ask a question? The speaker gestures appreciation. Mrs. Goldman: I am very pro-Israel. I love it. I have a lot of friends there. My children learned in Yeshiva there. Great falafel place in Herzliya. I love it. I have a grandson in the army. Tzahal is great. My granddaughter finished her service last year. I am very proud of her. She is now going to Bar Ilan University. Thank you. Microphone Person: Anything else. Mrs. Goldman: That’s my question. Thank you. People sitting there give her a thumbs up and applaud her brilliant question. The speaker’s eyes open wide in wonderment. Microphone Person: Next question? Mr. Sadlowitz: What Israel is doing is wrong. I have never been there, but it is wrong. They should give land to the natives. Reparations have not been handed out. It’s an apartheid state. Speaker: I believe you have Israel mixed up with the US and South Africa. Mr. Sadlowitz: It's wrong. That's my question. Thank you. Microphone Person: We have time for one more question. Five more people get up without questions. Just statements. Speaker shows frustration, as he hasn’t spoken for twelve minutes and this is his speech. He sits down. Without him answering questions, the Q&A continues. The rest of the community gets up to share their opinions about Israel. Microphone person walks over to Dr. Fishbaum. Dr. Fishbaum takes the microphone and walks towards the front of the room, taking over the presentation. Dr. Fishbaum: It would've been good if you were from Israel. Speaker: Yes. That was what my speech was about. Dr. Fishbaum: You should’ve said it. Speaker: I did. I started by saying I live in Israel. Dr. Fishbaum: I didn’t hear it. Bernie Finkelman: Good point Fishbaum. Exactly. Bernie Finkelman gives Fishbaum a thumbs up and a nod of acquiescence. Dr. Fishbaum turns around and receives nods of approvals from all the congregants. Some mouth that they didn’t hear it either. The speaker is shocked. He has received no questions and he is being blamed for not saying what he said. Speaker: Can I go? Microphone Person: Yeah. That’s fine. I can field the rest of the questions. Kibbitzer's Conclusion At the Q&A the members of the shul get up and give their speech. We have seen this countless times. We have never heard a question during the question-answer part of the speech. Guest speakers should not allow for the Q&A in the Jewish community. The speaker is never ready for the congregants' speeches. We have also never seen a speaker who knew how to respond to being blamed for not saying what they said. We believe the guest speaker was not happy that people didn't listen to him, and still argued with him. Tags:
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You can see how not Frum some of these people are by their lack of Kiddish navigation understanding. There is too much room at that table. Not one of them is attacking the fish. Not one of them is holding their spot at the table. With that much room, it's impossible to keep the others away from the herring. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
The post service communal snack time on Shabbat can be very hard for the shul beginner. Known as Kiddush, or Kiddish, this is the time to eat. Services have ended, we’ve already connected as a community with our Creator, it is now time to do whatever you can to get to the potato kugel first.
There’s only so much potato kugel, choolante and gefilte. You have only so much time to make your way to the herring. And you never know if somebody else likes kichel. You only have a moment before the rabbi makes the Kiddish blessing and Bernie snags the meat out of the choolante pot. Following is what I have learned about Kiddush etiquette over my lifetime of trying to make my way to the choolante, past Bernie: Stand in One Spot Once you are in the Kiddush room, do not move. If you move, other people will be able to get to the choolante too. Once you've scooped, you stay right there. You don't want to open others up to scooping access. The idea is to make it harder for other people to get to the stuff. If you're standing away from the table, in the middle of the room, and somebody is trying to pass, don’t move. Stand in the doorway if you have to. If you move, it will make it easier for them to get to where they want to go, and that might be potato kugel. Or even worse, the kishka. Once the choolante meat is gone, it is a fight for the choolante kishka. Hold Your Spot This is not easy. Fran may be eighty years old, but she still has some reserves left in her for egg salad, matzah and kichel. To fend off bullies, like Fran, get down into a strong three-point lineman stance. This gives you the most power when pushing off the ground, allowing you to hold your spot and lunge at the choolante pot when the opportunity arises for an offensive. Pick Your Spot Before Kiddush is Made & Keep It It's general policy that you’re not supposed to take food before the Kiddush blessing is said. If you’re willing to get reprimanded by the sisterhood, then take beforehand. If you are meek, like myself, and cower to authority, then pick a good spot. You want to pick a spot within arm’s reach of your goal. Not everybody can squeeze a spot right in front of the babka. As long as you’re willing to reach… Reach Past People’s Heads & Torsos The body does not dictate whether you’re next in line. I’ve seen many arms running right by my face. I’ve looked around and not once have I found a person. I recall one time, I was right in front of the pot, and couldn’t get to it. The arms were coming from all sides. It felt like a Kiddush horror film. The congregants were just hungry. They'll turn on you when kishka and potato kugel show up. Remember, manners are the first thing to go when there isn't enough meat in the choolante. Do Not Be Ashamed to Scoop All of the Meat Out of The Choolante Everybody notices when Bernie does this, but Bernie is happy. I’ve seen meat choolante pots filled to the brim, with no meat. Kiddush-goers have a sick sense for sniffing out meat in a pot. Over the years, I’ve learned to locate meat in the middle of potatoes, beans, barley, onions, even squash. Sometimes you think it’s a vegetarian choolante and right in the middle of a legume you pick out a little piece of rib still on the bone, making your Kiddush a success. Bringing joy to Shabbis. If you Have a Spot, Don’t Offer to Serve Others I tried this once. Next thing I knew, everybody had choolante. Helping leaves you with less. Carry the Choolante Ladle with You If you must move, such as in the case of your child crying and having a crisis, like they cannot find the frosting on their cake, be sure to take the serving utensil with you. This is the only way to ensure that you will be able to get back to your spot. There are some who will scoop with their hands while you’re gone. You have to respect that. Do Not Worry About How Your Plate Looks Pile it high. Double up. Fill three plates if you have to. You never know if you will be able to make it back to the table. Do Not Wait In Line There is no line. Those are just people who are not moving away from the babka. If there is no motion that is not a line, unless if you're at JFK International Airport security check. If You Do Not Have A Decent Spot Use Your Elbows Don’t worry about knocking over Fran. If Fran is in the way of you and your potato kugel, she’s standing in a dangerous spot. She should know that. She shouldn't assume that just because it's not choolante, that she won't get hurt. Using your elbows at all times is suggested. To quote Avi, 'Keep them out.' Elbows should be out at all times. Entering the Kiddish doorway, shaking hands, eating. Whatever you are doing the elbows should be out. When you're eating, keep em up. There's a good chance you can catch a chin of one of the shorter congregants. Your elbows create more body, keeping more people away from the food you want. Along with the barrier they create, they can be used to hurt people who think they are also deserving of herring. COVID may be done, still use your elbows to greet people at Kiddish. Walk in with no mask and let them know that you can care less about the germs on your Kishka, as long as it is yours. Kiddush is a communal experience, so it will not be easy to get to the food. I bless you with strength, to not worry about other people getting food. Gd provides for all, but there’s only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Miketz12/3/2021 
The Chanukiving program was a bit off. Nobody knew what the meaning of the program was. People were giving Pilgrim hats to each other. It felt like I was around a bunch of Hamans. Much of the time, I feel that about the members in this congregation.
The hats were triangles and I couldn't tell the difference between lovers of America and haters of Jews, among the congregants. I do know that they all complained about the program. That's something Haman would've done. Bulletin mistakes have been hard on the congregants recently. I think the secretary messes up the fives and sixes, and sevens and eights, and any letters and numbers that are near each other. She's not good at keyboard finger placement. However, she does type without looking. Now the congregants are getting multiple correction emails for programs. People love getting the new emails, as they feel popular with more emails in their inbox that aren’t from Staples. Staples is very big in our town and they like sending price correction emails, or sales. All I know is that people don’t read the correction emails very well, because nobody showed up on time to any of the Chanukah programs. The rabbi was even asking people why they were showing up late. I don’t think he reads the emails either. I believe the congregants just guess, most of the time. They figure it's Chanukah and something must happen at the shul. Some people showed up on Tuesday. The program was Monday, and the 'T' is nowhere near the 'M' on the computer. I can’t find my coat. It's been two weeks. Maybe, at the end of Shabbat services, I’ll find it in the coatroom. There’s no shame in this shul, people are stealing my coats constantly. I've seen a coat in the coatroom for the past two weeks that has the same belt as mine, but I can't steal that one. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom vChanukah Sameach Yosef dreamed in last week’s Parsha and now Paroh is dreaming. And Rivka is dreaming of a day that her coat won't be stolen from the coatroom... Taken is the same thing. A mistake that you don't return is stealing... She can't take your jacket... That would be stealing... We all have dreams. I have a dream that I won't have to work in this shul. We all dream, but when skinny cows eat big cows, there is a problem… Skinny people should not be eating that much. We ran out of food because Anshel ate twelve latkes… The kid is tiny. And because the skinny kid ate too much, everybody was starving. That’s what Paroh was dreaming about. Skinny people eating too much… It’s an anomaly. Nobody has that good of a metabolism… (Bereishit 41:1) 'After two years, days'… Some things take time. But Yosef didn’t give up… I'm thinking I might be able to do something decent with this congregation… Two years to get the Chazin to finally do a decent tune. I didn't give up. Two weeks to get the correct date on the Chanukiving program... Using the word 'days' to describe years. It should be written 'two years' and that is it. However, Yosef is in jail and you feel those days. Kind of like how it feels in this shul... I've been here for two years. It feels like sixty. I've had some painful years. The past two years I’ve been the leader of this congregation... each day has been felt... All the complaints you guys have....the only family event that the Baal Simcha didn't complain at was the funeral I performed last week… Everybody was happy… I had a nightmare the other day. I dreamt that I would be stuck in this community for another 7 years. Can somebody please translate what that dream means?... Yosef tells Paroh that there will be seven years of famine. However, there is time to prepare. Yosef, in his wisdom, comes up with a plan for saving the necessary foods. Something that couldn't be done when Anshel finished off the latkes... Who finishes the sour cream and applesauce?! You finish that and we have nothing to eat. Famine... Whenever we think about the future, it is a nightmare. It is going to be another painful seven years with the Markowitz family showing up to services. The post-mortem complaints are the worst... How they still complain after they've passed. There was a donation for new seat covers… Simon gave it after he was gone… He was complaining about the seats for years. After he passes, he still finds a way to complain… They're a brownish pantone... When you have time to think. When you prepare for something, it's important. You don't prepare for Shabbat. That's the problem in this shul. You don't prepare. Yosef's plan was to prepare... He went to Paroh looking decent. He cleaned up, Bernie... You clean up well. But none of you clean up... A community of Apikorsim. A community that doesn't prepare. You all care so much about Chanukah, but you didn't prepare the candles early enough... You wanted to light Chanukah candles on Shabbat. You cannot light the Chanukah candles on Shabbat.... Shabbat is more important than Chanukah. It is every week, Bernie, and what is common is more important than not as often... It's holy and you think things that happen once a year are... Your birthday is not as holy as Shabbat... I know you get gifts on it. You do not have the wisdom, so I will not explain these concepts to you.... Mr. Fernanstein, I do love your electric Chanukiah and the Christmas feel it brings to the community.... You prepare for what you have every week, and you will do something decent when that opportunity comes to have a Chanukiving celebration. Yosef felt every day in that jail. You feel it when there's a bad gift. You have dreams. Nightmares... I know you don't get a gift every Shabbat. Do you even like your Chanukah gifts? It’s scary. We have nightmares of getting socks again. We have nightmares of bad times. And it feels like eight days. A whole eight days. We don’t even call it years… Because it’s painful. It’s painful to get socks again… I can't give you the reason for sewn socks being a gift. It doesn't make sense and it can't be translated... If you think about it, each day is painful. Here, it is painful. However, when we look back, we see the good.... The gifts we got, they are now something. A memory of a bad time. Yosef was waiting in that jail for days, for what was rightfully his. Each day, painful, for what was rightfully his, until he was finally summoned by the Paroh... I should’ve gotten something better than headphones… They weren’t even earbuds. They were wired headphones. I was waiting for this Chanukah. For something decent in my life... I spend every day in this shul... As your rabbi, who is rightfully dealing with the painful days, to see the later dream of redemption, when he sees his pension and retirement package from the shul fulfilled..... Do we ever get what is rightfully ours? When does that happen? (Bereishit 41:9-14) The cupbearer finally remembers Yosef... He broke his promise. He was selfish, like Anshel eating all the stuff… But he remembers Yosef’s ability to translate dreams. When people remember your abilities... I should've taken the job in Atlanta. The Mermelbergs remembered me. They know how good the sermons are and they finally remembered how annoying Frank is.... You never get what is rightfully yours, because people don’t remember when you do something good… Are our dreams warnings? I should’ve known it was a bad decision to come here when I dreamt about Bernie being a congregant… How do we translate our dreams?... You’re never going to make the NHL, Bryan…. Yosef is taken from prison… When you’re talented, you can break the law. The real question isn't what is the dream. It is, what do we do with the dream... Dreams are passive, like every one of you during Adon Olam... Then sing already. Join in. The Chanukiving event would've been so much better if you sang Chanukah Oh Chanukah... (Bereishit 41:14) When he finally gets called to Paroh, Yosef ‘shaved and changed his clothes and came to Paroh.’ This is the most unkempt congregation… You have a five o’clock shadow… It's not afternoon. Rashi explains that he shaved out of respect for the king… You respect the throne. You respect the rabbi... You prepare for shul... You bring a coat, Kate. You don't take... That's her coat. She prepared. That's why it's a nice coat... I understand you like it. Geulah starts with respect. I have … Yes. They have to remember you first. The cupbearer finally gave Yosef his due respect... If you were to treat your rabbi the way he deserves, got him the new car and parking spot, redemption could be here... What do we learn from this? Don’t depend on anybody. Don't depend on the Gabai. The sisterhood... It may be two years before anything decent happens. The Simchowitzs haven’t paid their dues for two years… Forget about seven. The real years were those two in prison. Might have been in Topeka... Yes. Each day, I feel that leak in the chapel not being fixed… But you can’t depend on the president or the custodian to remember. It’s two years of waiting… When we finally got the curtain for the ark. You remember that, Sadie… She remembers, because it took two years to get that curtain. And every day, people were wondering why there is no curtain… Yes. It’s painful to open the door to the ark every time... It can't be electric... Shabbis. Nonetheless. When you get it. You respect it. You love it. You kiss it. If the leak is ever fixed, we’ll thank H’ that it finally happened. And we will finally not have to wear rain jackets in shul… I know. Most people wear them in shul, because somebody is stealing them from the coatroom… You can’t switch jackets with people. Trading is stealing… I am doing what I can, which is very hard with Bernie, Rachel and the back left section. Even so, I am happy when the moments come. When I am asked to go to another congregation... When I go to Israel, yes. I will shave. You respect the throne. You respect the kind. You respect the president of the shul, even if he does nothing… Don't depend, but prepare... Yes. I am prepared to get fired... Yosef didn’t complain that he wasn’t remembered. When it was his turn, he came out and showed what he could do. Unlike Anshel at his Bar Mitzvah, who made… It was seven mistakes an Aliyah… Other than showing that he can eat the carving station… It’s not wanting. It’s the actions that lead to Geula. It’s preparing yourself, so that when the time comes… You did not go over that Haftorah Anshel… The Chanukiving program could've been much better attended... If the emails were prepared right... With Black Friday, you all want a deal on dues. It’s what you dream about… It’s what you do with the dreams… I may get a call to work at Beit Knesset Anshim Normalim… Yes. That’s a shul, Bernie. Somewhere… It's not the dream. It's what you do with the understanding of it. Your grandparents dreamed of a beautiful congregation, and now... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Most of the congregation showed up the next week not looking very good. The rabbi's message of 'clean yourself up' was for not. They didn't know it meant to get dressed up nicely. Some congregants smelled decent. A bit like Windex and that Swiffer lemon scent. They even said they cleaned their home. We have older members who don't know what it means to 'clean up.' A little side note: I usually end up having to clean up the kiddish. The rabbi is so creative with dues. He works them into every sermon. He called the Kiddish bartender a cupbearer, because they forgot that the rabbi likes Jack and Coke. The rabbi did not want Jim Beam. He blamed the bartender for not preparing correctly, and forgetting. He said, 'You cupbearer.' It was a curse. Not a compliment. If he would've said 'The Cupbearer' it would've been more of a compliment. Adding the word 'you' made it sound very negative. I realized that our congregation is full of a bunch of procrastinators. Kiddish wasn’t even ready this week when we finished Adon Olam. They were just bringing out the cake when we walked in. After last week and this week’s sermons, the congregants stopped dreaming. Hope was looked at as not a good thing. Yankel decided he should be a dream reader. His interpretations weren’t that good, but he made a lot of money. He said he was hoping somebody had a dream with seven in it. He said he could translate that. Wilt’s Neighborly Hardware store started calling their sales ‘price corrections.’ They realize that the sale price should be the regular price. They’re very neighborly and even knock on people’s doors. There's a warmth to a stranger handing out their flyers to let you know about their price cuts. They started marking the sales price on their items, under what they call the ‘Overpriced Cost,’ which is there the rest of the year. Wilt is a good man. He used to have Black Saturday deals, but the Jewish community protested by not buying on Saturdays. So, he changed it to Black Friday. The congregants wanted a Black Friday Deal on dues. Everybody in the congregation wants. It's all about them. Dr. Friedstone wanted his coat back. If anybody translated their dreams better than Yankel, they would forget it. I had a big argument with Fran Bergstein. She refused to give me back my coat. She stole my coat from the coatroom last week and it is now hers. I had to explain to her that even though they are both winter coats, they are not the same. I also had to explain that green doesn’t make the coats the same, especially when she has shrunk six inches. Kate isn't giving me my denim back. I've lost around six coats this past year. Didn't really lose them. I know who has them. That's a chutzpah; to invite me to her home for Shabbat lunch and to see my coat in the closet. I wanted to say something, but the gefilte fish was excellent. The rabbi was right. Nobody remembers the good. Like the time Frank didn't show up for services. That was a great Shabbat. The secretary sent out the dues bills that people owed. It turns out that some of the members got some decent cuts on the dues. One congregant only had to pay $100. It was supposed to be a thousand, but our secretary doesn't edit or look. We now hired an editor, to edit what the secretary does. One board member had the chutzpah to ask why we have a secretary if everything she writes needs correcting. It was explained to him that he needs something to correct. Otherwise, the editor would be pointless to have. We don't want too much pointless staff on the books. The rabbi pulled the singles aside after Kiddish and gave a sermon where he told them that Yosef prepared to meet Paroh. Hence, they should prepare for a date. Yosef shaved and the singles in our congregation are unkempt. He then told the congregants at his Shiur during the week that they should prepare for prayer. He was disgusted with the lack of hygiene, and the singles had no excuse. He told one of the singles that he was kind of like Yosef, as the single girls were gawking at him. He made gawking sounds to bring home his point of how the girls were like Potiphar’s wife. He told the guy that he was like Yosef, with gawks, even though his suit was plane black. The rabbi then exclaimed the point was that Yosef was in jail for many days, which is kind of like being single. It's depressing, so you feel each day. The rabbi made it clear to them that they are in a Shabbis Solitary Confinement. Menachem didn’t seem to feel good about himself after the singles are alone speech. The idea of feeling each day in jail of singledom didn’t bring up his spirits. The rabbi ended taking about Yaakov feeling the years waiting for Rachel like just days. The problem is that none of the singles saw anybody in the congregation that was ‘available and hot,’ as Kimmy said. They also felt like they were being lied to, like Yaakov was with Leah. As Menachem said, 'I have been on many shidduchim. I was she was hot.' Now, there’s a lot of panic of another seven years, waiting for a decent match, and everybody is worried about a famine. The single men didn't understand why the rabbi was telling them to clean up, like Yosef, when the community frowns upon singles being alone in an apartment. The rabbi ended by clearly stating, 'Yosef shaved. When you go on a date, shave. Even if the last date you went on was two years ago, you shave...' Faigel let the rabbi know that each date with Menachem feels like a year. She then went on to ask where her coat was. All were in wonderment, as they thought the singles class was supposed to be on Wednesday. The rabbi didn’t see the correction in the email. Tags:
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I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. 
Our enemies should die like squash. They should be squashed like squash and die...
I’m just working on the Rosh Hashana Simanim and my ability to curse enemies with vegetation. I feel like the gourd family allows me to get out my anger at our foes. 
Rabbi David Kilimnick, Israel's 'Father of Anglo Comedy' brings the Holy Land Comedy Experience of Solidarity to Your Community... [email protected]
Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18) 'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
12/31/2021
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