The unemployed people are all coming in purple, from the grape juice and wine crush. Somehow, word got out that they needed Jews to work. Otherwise, the wine won't be kosher. Pinchas was the first one out to the crush. He was bragging about the value of his Jewish hands. He was telling everybody at the Kiddish club that he is 'getting paid for these, baby!' Those were his words.
They want orthodox Jews that keep Shabbat to be watching over the grapes. All I know is their hands are disgusting. Fish cakes somehow showed up on the kosher shelf at the supermarket. Nobody knows what they are. It is assumed they were first in the kosher freezer section. People are worried that the greater community thinks that Jews will eat anything. Since receiving the free packages this past summer, I am convinced that they will feed their kids anything they get for free. I even saw a pizza sandwich in one of those. Fish cakes and pizza sandwiches, cold. The JCC was closed for a few days. Their sewage was backed up. The congregation put on a good 280 pounds total. Shul talent show. We had time. Nothing happened. It was so bad, the rabbi didn't even mention it in his sermon. The rabbi doesn't like embarrassing people. The show was an embarrassment. It was people sitting around and waiting for somebody to signup. The sheet was the show. There's no talent in our shul. One person got up and gave a speech. No poetry. I wouldn't even call it prose. It was a thought they had. They shared it on stage because nobody talks to them during Kiddish. There was one instrument. One of the kids took up the harmonica. They figured it was the next step up from human beatboxing. The shul got yellow tape to finally put around the shul, on the edge of the step in the back. Max was complaining about it for months, after he tripped and ended up in the hospital. He chose not to sue, but to complain instead. We didn’t go to Chevron as a community, though the rabbi suggested it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom Ya’ll, We had a Minyin this week. The JCC was closed. It’s too cold for golf. People came to shul… It’s either physical activity or caring about Gd. Can’t do both… Then do them both… It takes the closing of the JCC… I have been telling everybody here to take care of their health. I wanted to start a weekly dodgeball game in the social hall… First dibs on the Chazin… (Bereishit 23:1) ‘And it was, the life of Sarah…’ Sarah lived. She didn’t just mope all day like Rachel. She lived… I walk into this shul, I feel death. It's like a whiff of fresh death every time I see the back left of the shul. It's so depressing... Let’s see how Sarah lived… Did she go to workout or did she connect with Gd?... She did both, Rachel. You can’t serve Gd and breathing like Benjamin who can’t sing anymore. How do you get too out of shape to sing?!... Cooking in the 2,000 BCEs, you have to be in shape. You had to catch the gazel first. You had to plant the dough. Singing, you also had to be in shape... You sung and mountain lions would attack you... If you hit a high-pitched harmony. Like in Tov Lehodos... You don't live to 127 by eating fish cakes... No. She didn’t cook fish cakes. What’s with these fish cakes? What happened to fried fish? She was an excellent cook… To live, you have to eat healthy… Who eats fish for dessert? Are they serving fish danish... Gummy fish are a dessert side dish. (Bereishit 23:2) 'And Sarah died in Kiryat Arba, which is Chevron.' Which is quite convenient… How did she pass away by Ma’arat HaMachpela, where she is buried? Convenience. As H' has shown us again and again. Why does the Torah have to tell us all of this? Because none of you study your geography. The Torah has to spend its time telling you where Kiryat Arba is… Then visit Israel every once in a while. And where was Chevron?... In Canaan! It was not in Palestine. A little lesson in geography, from your rabbi... What's with Palestine and this congregation? Is CNN teaching Jewish History at the day school now?... Are we doing the shul trip to Chevron?! It talks of Sarah's life. Not her death. 'Chayei Sarah.' Sarah's life. And what have you to show of your life?... She mothered a nation, Rachel. A whole people… You have two kids… Benjamin is out of shape… Couldn’t even play freeze tag with Bayla… Stop thinking about death... I know that Simmy passed. But he lived a life more meaningful than the back left... He paid his dues, Frank... Why did she pass away? There was no biopsy, so we are not sure. Rashi quotes Genesis Rabbah and the midrash teaches that the death of Sarah is reported right after the almost sacrifice of Yitzchak to teach us that it was the news of the sacrifice that caused the death. Have you seen the local news? It’s always murder. It scares you. It’s a shocker. News is never good… Whenever Bernie says ‘I have good news,’ I’m very skeptical… Because it’s always bad, Bernie… It’s death or Israel is moving someplace outside of Israel… Every day, I hear about different locations of Israel from this congregation. But Sarah lived. It was the shock of her son doing something crazy... Not doing anything with your life is crazy, Benjamin. Her son was willing to be sacrificed... No, Benjamin. I don’t know which one is crazier. Her son was willing to have himself sacrificed. You do nothing. A mother cannot bear to hear either… Back then, they lived in the house till their hundreds. It was a different time... Palestine’s location in all of Israel is crazy… She would’ve killed herself because of this shul… Hide your hands. They're purple, Pinchas. It's an embarrassment. Your mother would kill herself if she saw... She would have a lot of nachis that you finally got a job. And she would have nachis that your hands touched everything that Jews drink. And then she would kill herself... Don't they have machines? Are you crushing by hand? They are so purple... Her son was willing to have himself sacrificed... No, Benjamin. I don’t know which one is crazier. A mother cannot bear to hear about her son sacrificing himself. Bryan. The only decent player on the team. He sacrificed. Could've won if other Jewish kids in our town could play basketball… Even if the reasons are holy. The emotional pain is what killed her… The sacrifices I make for this shul… When my mother heard I took the job for this shul, she was shocked. She knew I would never make good money with congregants who don’t pay their dues… No nachis... This congregation is too out of shape to hear bad news… Does this congregation even care? Do you care if your parents are living? They can’t live with you in the house at thirty-two, Benjamin… Yitzchak helped out around the house... He slaughtered the cattle. Your hands aren't even purple, Benjamin. And how many of the members in this congregation don't take into account their parents? Not getting jobs out of college. Your parents spent $35,000 a year on college and now you are back at home without a job? Do you want to give your mom and dad a heart attack? The emotional pain of having to see your child again, after university is a cause of much early death... You being at home is not a sacrifice Benjamin. You have sacrificed nothing to play NBA 3K... Purple hands. At least. Stay out of the gangs. I understand that there's good money to be made on the streets, with drugs. However, you have parents and they worry. We're all worried, asides from Mrs. Chayshenbaum who just bought her new home with the help of Locos MS18. Our local community, upper middle class gangsters. Chai! My man. I wish you much success with your new gangster raps about growing up in the private schools and gated hoods genre works out... Think about your parents. And think about your synagogue. Support your shul and use your money well. Make your parents proud. Shlomki Chayshebaum, thank you for the big donation. Locos MS18 your plaque is going up this week. We will put it on the outside of the building. This way you won't have to tag the shul anymore... It’s about love and care. Efron says he will give Avraham the land to bury Sarah for free. Avraham insisted on paying Efron for the field. (Bereishit 23:13) ‘I’ll give the price of the field, take it from me, and I will bury my dead there.’ He buries Sarah. That is his Mitzvah. He wants to do it. He insists on paying. Does anybody here know how much Kiddish costs... You eat it... I am suggesting that you donate Kiddish. Avraham would've donated Kiddish for Sarah... He already bought the field and it's a Mitzvah... Making brachot and eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah... (Bereishit 23:15) Efron says, ‘400 silver shekels, between us, what is it?’ It’s a lot of money… He charges that for Avraham to bury Sarah, even though he was going to give it to him for free. Efron is a good negotiator… I don’t know what Benjamin negotiated with his parents. He definitely has not paid dues. He’s still on the family plan… That ends at twenty-five, Benjamin... You're thirty two. At least donate a Kiddish... We'll take 400 shekels. For the shul, what is it? A lot of money... Sarah cared. She 'lived.' When you care, you are living. Avraham cared. He buried Sarah... That's part of life. Let us use our life, our money for good. As Abraham who used his money to bury Sarah, the truest form of kindness... Donate a Kiddish. Pay your dues. Donate lessons to our children. Basketball can work. They are clueless... Music lessons. Talent in this shul would be appreciated. Singing lessons. That would make Shacharit bearable. Show care for your rabbi. Rent an apartment for yourself and show some kindness to your parents. 400 shekels is very little nowadays. Give your parents some money. Nachis is not happening… At least exercise. Move… Join the shul walking group… I know the JCC is not open... A mother who cared about her child. The loss hit her… She loved seeing their talents... This shul has no talent. Harmonica is not talent. You can’t live if you don’t care about your children. You can’t live if your child is running around the shul. It’s not even the halls Rachel. She is running around the sanctuary… THe sanctuary is not a place for hide-and-go-seek... Eliezer is not a good example. He’s also messed up. The Grunfelds can’t parent… Where is Adam… I know he’s your husband... Can somebody find him. The shul cares. They got yellow tape... For safety. Safety is key for living. That's why we don't play hide-and-go-seek in the shul. We have yellow tape... And the nation lives on through Ma’arat HaMachpelah... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha I believe 15 people became religious upon hearing that it's a Mitzvah to eat on Shabbat. They all said, 'We can do that for Gd.' Benjamin is still living with his parents, and I think the rabbi gave pride to the gang members. The Grunfelds just moved to our town a month ago. The rabbi immediately included them as important members of the congregation. Them, along with the new Gabai, the rabbi is ripping on all of them. How the rabbi took Akeydat Yitzchak and turned Sarah’s death into an appeal for him to get a raise, is brilliance that can only be seen from Rabbi Mendelchem. He can do anything with a Dvar Torah. It’s an art. Middle of his sermon, the rabbi threw a paper towel at the Chazin. Said, ‘Got you.’ The rabbi turned back around and everybody ducked. It turns out he was demonstrating dodgeball. Nobody was excited about having used paper towels thrown at their face, let alone a ball. The talent show was a hit. Had a concert series in the shul, to follow. Some of the guys were talking during the show. That got a lot of nasty head turns. Turned out that the one who shushed them talks in shul all the time. But this was a concert. You don’t talk during a concert. Everybody knows that. It’s disrespectful. Talking in shul is a different story. Speaking about the shul, the bright yellow tape is a real hit. People like it much more than the quilt. We later had a dedication ceremony for Max. There was a plaque put on the tape, ‘Dedicated in honor of Max.’ Now he wants handrails on the sides, to help people take the step. The shul already spent $5 on him, and now he wants more. He thinks the shul is made of money. He eats all the Kiddish food, at least $5 a Shabbat, and now he wants more. Others are now complaining about other steps in the shul. Many trip at the back door. Now they want bright yellow tape everywhere. I’ve tried encouraging people to look when they walk. The rabbi went off on how being healthy is important. So, he started a walking group to shul every day. Then the JCC opened a week later and that stopped. Yet, they did walk that whole week. The people of Topeka were confused. They thought the Jews were keeping Shabbis all week. With all the out of shape congregants, the rabbi insisted that everybody go into the halls and play freeze tag with the little kids, during the Chazin’s repetition of the Amidah. Hide-and-go-seek is too dangerous. Congregants have hid behind furnaces. One guy was lost till after Shabbat. They locked him in the shul Saturday night. On Sunday, he came out for food. Eliezer insisted on going back to shul to catch him. Since the JCC reopened, the members haven't gone back. They just didn't want to exercise. With all the out of shape members, there were less at services for the next few weeks. Once they stopped keeping Shabbat again, and started driving their cars, the shul picked up the numbers bigtime. They stopped keeping Shabbat, because they realized they could keep the Mitzvah of eating on Shabbat, and gaining weight, better by driving. The rabbi seems to think that Topeka is in the South. We’re more like the Midwest. I don't think the rabbi has ever cooked or baked. He definitely doesn't know how dough is made. The rabbi is still very angry about the changing of the name on the package from fish patties to fish cakes. He believes it comes from kids not being able to share; the same root as the cupcake pandemic. He believes that the rabbi who gave the hashgacha should have his semicha revoked. People think the fish cake is dessert. The Maras Ayin fiasco is another community issue. The community is still arguing about fish cakes. Willie, a new member is trying to figure out what fish cakes are. As he said, ‘I have never had fish cake. I’ve had chocolate cake, but not fish cake. Are they making carp pie? Is there a salmon Danish? Lobster pudding?’ We’re still trying to get Willie to keep kosher. It’s a big move for him. Even so, he fits right in with the new members that show up for Kiddish. Our members show up for Kiddish and Kadish. After seeing Pinchas and the other Jews getting paid for having Jewish hands, the rabbi started making Kiddish on whiskey. He said that the alcohol content kills Jewish hands. Nobody drank Tedem grape juice or Nanshewitz wine till Pesach. Their hands were disgusting. And nobody paid a Shiva call, even after the reading of Chayei Sarah. Some members sent checks for 400 shekels. They figured the passing of Simmy was best treated like a Simcha. Leter, we'll get involved in the new Shiva registry business that Simone started. I have mixed thoughts. Tags:
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You can see the outside of a Frum home. You want no room between houses, so you can build up against the neighbor, to brace your home. You also want to use the whole lot, just in case grass grows by accident. (Photo: Bryan Anselm for The New York Times)
What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
A Lot of Kids You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home. This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home. Toys on the Floor You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum. A Tablecloth How else are you going to cover the TV? Chandelier in the Dining Room Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish. Plastic Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child. The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV. A Sign or Picture Showing You East This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit. Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom. A Rebbe on the Wall If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard. My Living Room Is My Dining Room I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum. Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you. You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room. What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor. Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in. Jewish Artifacts You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity. A Tallit Bag You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael.. Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner. Sefarim A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag. Mitzvah Millionaire I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage. A Mezuzah That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments. Tin Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum. You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better. Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way. Natlan The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba. Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch. For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel. Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. Your house should always look like a Shabbis table. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeira10/22/2021 
Singing is off again. Now it’s the pace. Jim Grunfeld went on his own pace this Friday night, singing the 'Yedid Nefesh' real loud. Nobody could keep up. Since he was so loud, we all had to go along with him. We all had to catch up to him. Each verse, we had to skip three words, to keep up with his speed. And then he led the congregation in Friday night prayers and it was hard to keep up. Most were happy, as they were only up to Lecha Dodi when he finished the Amida.
Jim is loud and getting older. He can’t hear others, so this is what we're going to have to deal with for the next twenty or so years. Frank's youngest, Eliezer, is playing puzzles in the back of the shul. All of davening. In the beginning of 'Lecha Dodi' on Friday night, we're all singing and he’s hitting the table. Everybody got into it. The whole shul starts banging the tables, as they loved Eliezer's beat. We turn around for ‘Boee vShalom’, and all see the kid smacking his puzzle pieces, banging them into place. Menachem was let down. He thought the kid was a little rebbe leading us all. A rebbe with a big beard was passing through this past Wednesday. I've never heard our rabbi say 'Baruch H"' so many times. It seemed like he was afraid he was going to lose his ordination. I believe he said it fifteen times in eight minutes. It might have been his rabbi from yeshiva. All I know is that he was excessive about it. The rebbe asked him how many congregants there are. He said, 'Baruch H",' and that was it. No numbers, just B"H. A couple minutes later, the rebbe started speaking with Max in Yiddish. The rebbe seemed to love Max much more than Rabbi Mendelchem, as the rebbe started smiling. I think the rebbe even asked Max why this other guy, who's not the rabbi, is constantly saying 'Baruch H".' Max has been licking his fingers again. He's even started chuching, to get better saliva for the page turn. Every Siddur in the shul has his lickings on it. Jim is having problems turning pages, it's only a matter of time before he starts licking his fingers. So they bought new sanitizer at Ollie’s. I know this because the price tag is still on the bottles. It was $1.99 a bottle. I think the board wanted to show everybody that they bought the only item at Ollie's that's not a good deal. I think this whole COVID issue is because these older guys lick their fingers. We wouldn't need sanitizer if they didn't turn pages. There is definitely a lot of talking in shul. A lot of people chattering the whole davening. It's hard to hear the Chazan. They've been mostly quiet during the rabbi's sermon, so the rabbi hasn't addressed it yet. He's fine with the tradeoff of talking only during his the prayers. There are many new congregants that have joined. One took over Gabaiship right away. So, their kid runs around with nobody watching them. Being that the new Gabai started running stuff a week into joining the shul, because nobody else wanted to do it, we're now following the Hollywood, Florida traditions. That's probably why there's a lot of talking in shul. The gabai's kid was running around with Kippah and shoes in hand. Went up to the Bima with shoes in hand. Kippah was understood, but the shoes had everybody asking. Nobody could figure out how that was protesting Gd. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Avraham was sick, but he still took in guests. He wanted to do a Mitzvah, even when he was sick. Jessica won't even take in a guest when she stubs a toe… Just look at the beginning of the Parsha… Angels are guests too… He was circumcised and he still took in guests, three days later... I know people get out of surgery fast nowadays, but you give at least a week... You have the hiccups, you don't have guests for two weeks... It might have been a chutzpah to visit without calling first... They didn't have phones then, Bernie. They were doing a mitzvah. The shuls Bikur Cholim committee hasn't visited anybody in the past month and a half... If everybody on the Visiting the Sick committee is sick, what good is it?... It was the heat of the day and he was sitting there, circumcised, waiting for guests (Bereishit 18:1). You won't even leave your car in August, because you have air-conditioning... No matter which side you are on, you've got to put in the effort. Jessica, listen. The food Avraham gave his guests was excellent. It was tasty. I was at the Friedblums for Shabbat dinner. Food was not that good. I would not call that Hachnasat Orchim... (Bereishit 18:6-8) ‘Kemach Lushi’… That’s good stuff. Fine flour. Not the rough Challah. It wasn't the village bread. It was fluffy… Yeah. I like village bread. But that's a side dish. It was bread… ‘he took a calf, tender and good.’ It wasn’t the bad stuff. It wasn't the first cut that the Friedblums had. It had a decent amount of fat. Good taste… You don't serve meat and then say you want to lose weight right then... Vegan meat is not meat, even if they call themselves a butcher... He took butter and milk… It might have been the 'I can't believe it's not butter.' Maybe it was margarine. Maybe those laws weren't laws yet. Maybe he understood the laws of 'don't cooke a kid in its mother's milk' literally, at that time. Maybe he served the milk first... I was invited out last week with my wonderful family, to a mishpacha in this community. Mr. Grunfeld, please tell me. Do you call what was served for dinner Hachnasat Orchim? The mitzvah of welcoming your guests? ‘Avraham hurried… ran to the cows’… He wanted to feed his guests. You don’t make them wait… If you have to, you use a microwave, you use a microwave… No. Nobody is coming for conversation... Then you go to the bodega, Makolet (whatever you want to call it). You don't go grocery shopping once your guests have already showed. You had guests and that was good. We appreciate that. However, for educational purposes, do you consider chicken that is dried out to be welcoming? Quinoa?! You call that food?! You know the rabbi and the rebbitzin are not vegetarian... Sarah went inside and made them cake. Fresh cake. She didn't serve Entenmann's doughnuts. She definitely didn't think that the plane doughnut leftovers that nobody chose to eat were respectful enough for her guests... If that's the case, you get another package, so people can have the brown droplet and chocolate glazed doughnuts... He fed them under the tree and not in the tent... Maybe they wanted more of a picnic feel... They could've been robbers, and there was a nice breeze... When Avraham runs to welcome the guests, he says to Gd, (Bereishit 18:3) 'If I please find favor in your eyes, please don't pass from in front of your servant'... Yes. He was proper. He said 'please.' Avraham understood that you don't get stuff without saying 'please'... You act proper and respectful. And I am still trying to figure out why Eliezer's feet are up on the chair... Rashi first says he was talking to the angels. I chose Rashi's second explanation of the translation, that he was talking to Gd... I chose that because you don't understand the importance of welcoming people to your home... Then welcome the sick. If you're not going to deliver matzah ball soup, serve them matzah ball soup in your home... He asked Gd to wait. Some things H' wants you to do right away. We have obligations in this world. Caring for other people is something H' wants to see... If you're not going to have them in your home, then go sleep at theirs... Avraham asked H' to wait for him, as he welcomed guests. He didn't keep on with his discourse with H' for he had to fulfill the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. Which is why I, as the rabbi, am still trying to understand why the Grunfelds decided to give such a lengthy Dvar Torah. So boring. We wanted to eat and nobody cares what little Shloimy learned in cheder/school... I give Dvar Torah things every week, I don't want to hear it. You can go back to your connecting with H' later. When we are gone... When we are there, you feed us. The questions of when to relate to H', when to relate to our fellow man. Do they connect with each other? Does H' like dried out chicken, Jim?... We serve H' together, and that is hard when the chicken is not juicy... You don't serve H' together when the other people make you wait... Microwave it... You didn't even give Rachel the finger. You give the one second finger... At least ackowledge that you know she is there... We are talking about bringing in guests. Not building a fence around your home to keep out your neighbors away.... What you would do to get rid of your neighbors, to not see anybody. That is why I suggested to the local police forces that the homicide last week on Madison St. was probably one of the neighbors who wanted some privacy. After investigation, we do know it was not the Grunfeld family. But we do ask, why are you trying to keep people away? That quinoa stuff was disgusting. Even if you do not want guests, give decent food. Respect the world enough, H' enough, to cook something decent. Fine flour... Quinoa? Are you trying to never have guests again?... He had them wash up outside... They weren't clean.... He didn't give the guests sanitizer... Because it doesn't clean, Pinchas... Now we have many freeloaders from the TriState area this week. As Avraham would, please welcome them in and make them wash their disgusting selves, as they have been without water and electricity for a couple of days... Every time there is rain, somehow, New Yorkers make their way to Topeka... Not the sanitizer. Sometimes, you have to ask H' to wait, so that you can do a better job of serving Him. Look at this shul. Let's fix it a bit... Before Musaf, pick up a wrapper... Then teach your kids how to find a garbage. Treat it like hide and go seek... I heard them screaming 'I'm going to catch you' in the halls during Torah reading. We're layning, and half of the congregation runs out to see if she caught Eliezer... This is not how you present your home to guests… Yes. The shul is your home. That doesn’t mean to fall asleep in the middle of the sermon, Bernie. The shul is our home and we must be inviting. We must have better potato kugel... This is the most tacky shul… You don’t leave price tags on bottles… We saw you got a deal… Stan gets deals all the time… That’s his style. We know that because he always talks about the bargain he got… Even he doesn’t walk around with the price tag… Our home will not be tacky. We're not looking to be entertainers. This is not a comedy. We're looking to entertain the guests properly, unlike the Grunfelds... (Bereishit 18:12) 'And Sarah laughed at herself'... She was old, and she couldn't imagine having kids, like the angels said she would... She didn't think she could have kids again... Look at Sharon. 55. Had kids. And we're all asking questions... It was messed up. Even so, we support you... We laugh about it. We all know that she's going to have to be paying for college when she's 75... H' asks Avraham why she is laughing (Bereishit 18:14) 'Is anything impossible for H'? At the time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son'... If H' were to say that He would give our shul a Minyin during the week, I would laugh... Because it never happens... It's not impossible. H' can make anything happen. He can even make a decent chicken of the Grunfeld's dinner. It's about making our home welcoming. And that starts with how we raise the children... The kids are messed up, but we cannot laugh at this anymore... Take control of your kids. We finally have babysitting again... We don't want to lose her... We lost the last one, because your kids are crazy... I would laugh if somebody told me your children can sit in shul and daven without doing flips... Anim Zemirot ark opening is dangerous… These kids are crazy… Yours was on the floor, rolling. The other is dancing… The other is doing the back and forth skip in place… Can any child stand there in penitence… Your Bar Mitzvah and Simmy passed… We're going to miss Simmy. Even so, we will always have the Siddurs that he licked to remind us. Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah, Benjamin. Have guests... Here is your Siddur. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi protested the vegan butcher, along with his protests of Jessica, the Friedblooms and the Grunfeld family. The rabbi wrote a lengthy letter to the teachers, telling them to stop sending home Parsha notes and Divrei Torah to read at the Shabbat table. He made it clear to them that it is very annoying to everybody at the table to have to listen to whatever these kids are learning in second grade. He said it is fine to teach them a song about the Parsha, to sing at the Shabbat table. Yet, anything more than that will not be tolerated in our community anymore. As the rabbi wrote, 'It is painful and boring to hear what the second graders learned about the Avraham and Ytizchak story at the altar, this year. You, the teachers, are stopping parents in our community from wanting to birth more children...' The passing of Simmy was hard on all. He was a smoker. 95 and he is now gone. He was also a finger licker. A turn the page finger licker. We will always remember him from the yellow pages in the Siddurim. He turned them all yellow with his cigar spittle. The new members didn’t care. They just complain about the stickiness of the pages. I don't know how the rabbi is going to deal with the new members. I think that they can't afford to go back to New York. Now, they're just going to complain. The rabbi will probably be out of a job next year, as the big city people don't understand the concept of dues. Joining the Bar Mitzvah and Simmy’s death was a bold move. Don’t know how the kid’s family took it. The kid will remember the message. Also, giving the kid the licked siddur was quite meaningful. Sanitizer is being placed right at Max and Jim's seats. I hope they get the message. The shul is afraid there is going to be an injury with the ark opening. The kids are treating the carpet on the Bima (stage) as though it's a tumbling mat. It’s better than the fighting that happened to open up the curtain five years back. They were violent. It was a mosh line, to open the ark. Those kids would elbow each other. The kids now are so unaware and ADDed that they don’t even notice the curtain is being open. Do they realize we’re all looking at them?! They're jumping around and doing tushy dances. Everybody in the shul is watching this. During kiddish, half of the conversation in shul was about the children and their issues. Every kid has issues nowadays; the reason, they are kids. Most of the congregants think they are child psychologists now. The issue is apparently the parents. It always comes down to the parents. The few that are not proclaiming to be psychologists are suggesting the kids go to a psychologist, due to excessive movement. Kids moving is now a problem according to our congregants. They seem to support kids playing video games all day. I don't think the kids realize that the whole congregation is watching them We lost another babysitter a few weeks later, as one of the kids decided to just yell. No reason. Just a lot of yelling. Talking in shul was still going on the whole service. The rabbi made an announcement, in which he shared another Dvar Torah about Sodom. I think he called the congregants Sodomites, as he talked about the evil people. He said that Avraham asked H’ if Sodom could be saved if there were just ten good people (Bereishit 18:32). At that point, he looked around the shul and shook his head. He also mentioned that the angels were doing a Mitzvah by visiting Avraham when he was sick. Whereas, the congregants just disturb people when they visit and ring the bell. We’re still working on how to do Bikur Cholim correctly. The next lesson is going to be on how to knock correctly. The rabbi started a new fundraiser to put together a cookbook for those who want to do Hachnasat Orchim correctly, with decent food. He is calling it the How to Not Cook Like the Members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah Cookbook. With all the talk of Hachnasat Orchim, the rabbi did not complain that the Grunfelds didn't sing at their Shabbat table. The singing is off in our shul, and Jim is to blame for that. If Jim would've sung, the rabbi would've talked about how Avraham didn't sing for his guests, as that would not have been proper Hachnasat Orchim. Hide and go seek has become a big game in shul. The little ones found Eliezer when they opened up the curtain for Anim Zmirot. The vegan butcher is still a debate. The rabbi says it's Ma'aras Ayin, the law of how things appear to the onlooker, to call anything vegetarian a butchery. As the new Gabai, who loves puns, said, 'They're butchering the butcher.' Tags:
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This is why kids love Torah. Because there is Oodles in them. (photo: onlykoshercandy.com)
Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement, but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that. You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood. Honey on First Letter of The Torah When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days. This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor. You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah. Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’ I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument. I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child. Kids go to Shul for Candy Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets. Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone. Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem. We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word. I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem. The Candyman There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman. All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education. The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys. Jewish Rituals Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy. As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.' To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha10/15/2021 
The rabbi is now working as a Mashgiach at the wine crush. We gave him a raise and he’s taking another job. We never see him at shul, so the board is making a big deal about it.
The way it works is that the rabbi is supposed to take other jobs. That's what the contract says. That's what a spiritual leader does. That's why we hired him. We pay him to be our rabbi to do the other stuff. Most of the other work is Mashgiach work. He watches over stuff. Now it's the grape season and his hands are purple. He’s working everything. I saw him working at Marshall's the other day. He was checking prices. He is getting paid for being Jewish. As long as his work is Jewish, it's OK. On his shift at Marshall's, he was waring a Kippah. Marshall's did good business that day, as all the congregants who had questions about upcoming Simchas showed up to shop. Christians thought he was a priest working the cash register for part of the shift. They were confessing that they felt they were paying too much at other stores. There was another fight with Bernie. This time it got physical. It was over cereal at the men's breakfast. Bernie got mad when the new congregant took the Wheaties. He was told they were Bernie's Kiddish Club left with 20 people. 12 were left in shul at the time. One wasn’t Bar Mitzvahed. They started capitalizing ‘Club.’ It’s a thing now. The rabbi couldn’t stop it. I think the rabbi was not happy, because he forgot to pull out the foosball table during Haftorah this week. Next week he wants to have a tournament during Haftorah, so the rest of the shul has something to do during Kiddish club. The only place the rabbi doesn't work in the city is the Kiddish club. He doesn't consider that Jewish. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Kehillah. The Kiddish club has left again… It’s 20 people, Bernie. 20 people left for the Haftorah… There were only 12 inside… Didn’t even look back to see how many… You saw the people leaving and you thought, ‘I should go there.’ That’s what the Exodus looked like... It looked like Jews running out of shul to drink schnapps. If there was schnapps in Israel, the Jews would’ve run there and fought every war. Single malt and no services, the spies would've suggested to go… Schnapps in Israel? Nobody would’ve complained… They would’ve partied without a calf. Giants drinking Binyamina liquor in Israel. The Jews would’ve joined… and not davened… They didn’t even turn around to see if there was a Minyin… That kid? Look at him. He’s not Bar Mitzvahed… He’s eight years old… You think he’s 13, because you’re drunk… You left to drink… (Bereishit 12:1) Lech Lecha. ‘Go for you’ does not mean to go out and drink in the middle of services… I understand the drinking is for you. Nobody appreciates it when you come back to shul… Your conversations are louder… You wouldn’t know… And H' said what to Abram? Lech Lecha- 'leave for yourself' from your place....to the land of Israel… That’s the place He will show him. We know how the story goes, Bernie… And you are still in America. How do you feel? How do you justify your existence as Jews?... And you ask why 'if it's for yourself' your rabbi is here? Kiruv... For other people, is for yourself. Avraham took his people with him. I am here to bring you closer to being good Jews... No. I have not been successful. That is correct, Bernie!!! I am trying though. Max can try to stay awake... Try Max. I know you just got back from drinking with Yonatan... have an excuse. I am here to bring you closer to the Torah, to educate you, to set an example, like Avraham; as you do not know. Which is why I also work at Marshall's, the grape crush and 7-Eleven. I was shown... It's my calling. You called... You were hiring. That was my sign from H.’ He showed me you needed a great leader to kill your idols... Whatever that artwork is. It’s disgusting and poorly done. It looks like Michael’s papier-mâché. It's a papier-mâché idol... Which leads me to the synagogue trip I will be hosting this year, to Israel. We will be stopping off in France, Australia and New Zealand. I have never seen New Zealand, so I am sure you will love it. All of the congregants joining will be able to save money, as this year's trip will not involve a return ticket. Although, there is a planned cruise to Africa for those who need another vacation... I will be on the African cruise as well... They need a spiritual leader, and I will do that... Abraham is told to leave 'for himself', 'from your land, your birthplace and your father's home' How do you leave to a new place? Start over? Obviously, you leave your national homeland last... Nobody's house is outside the town that the house is in, Bernie. Why am I getting an argument here?! The Torah has a message... H' is speaking from an emotional standpoint. First you leave your land... Emotionally. If you don't hate your parents, this makes sense... You must lose some connection with your nation. Do not vote. Very important, to not vote, as a citizen, stay away from voting. 'Oh, who do I vote for? Let's vote for the guy that lied to me?' You all rocked the vote the last elections and see what happened... It says your Father's house last???? That doesn't make sense. If you're leaving your land, then you have left your father's home. It is hardest to leave your parents' home. We see in our community… Baruch you're 31 and you live in your parents' basement… Not even their house. It’s a basement. Get out… Leave for your parents... Breana are you ever going to give your parents a rest? Get out of their home. They've already fed you for 38 years. They put out money for day school, university… In Baruch's case it's... Get a job... The final step is leaving your parents' home. In our community, it is physically. We see that nobody wants work. Nobody will leave their parents home... Baruch would make Aliyah, move to Israel in his parent's basement... Avraham's mother was doing his laundry for him. She was cooking dinner. At sixty-five... In those days they stayed longer. They didn't have Vedem Grape Juice factory jobs. Money? They had to make it. They made it from scratch. It was dollar bills, but they had to make each one separately... Physically, but more important, emotionally... They don't need you calling and crying about your roommate... Then get married. Leave your parents' house for yourself. Baruch... you will never get married… You’ve dated every girl in the shul… They don't like the basement living... I'm not a prophet, but the girls don't like being taken back to meet the parents, because you forgot something in your room... I am exiling you from our community... (Bereishit 12:2-3) ‘I will make a great nation and I will bless you and make your name big, and you will be a blessing’… all will be blessed through Avraham… To where? 'To the place I will show you.' You must believe Baruch and all the young adults of this synagogue. Yes, many of you are not set-upable. You have the right to feel like there is no hope... OK, you were not blessed with the looks that say 'Shidduch. Oh, I have a good match for him.' Nor were you blessed with the personality that says, 'I like her.' Nor was anybody in this community blessed with the finances to say, 'He or she is worthy of a spouse.' As we see with the lack of concern of the new building fund… and Mr. Funskils new idea for what he calls a business and non-payment of his dues... Good way to make money Frank. Yes, don't spend it or donate it.... You can't be a great nation in your parents' basement... Avraham was living there. But he was married... Get married. Then move to your parents' basement... (Bereishit 12:5) When he went to Canaan… Yes. That’s Israel… Now we’re going to have to give the land to the Canaanites… This shul is like a Model UN… Got Gaddafi off to the side. Bernie… ‘And Avram took Sarai, his wife’… Sarai is Sarah are the same person… He didn’t leave her like Mr. Fishwitz… ‘and Lot his nephew and all the possessions he acquired and all the souls…’ He didn’t leave the money. He took it. And he took all the inheritance and the souls he made in Haran… His congregants paid him… What am I going to take from this congregation? Yes, your rabbi lived in Israel. I took all the souls with me… That’s how I ended up here, with you… My last community moved to Israel. They made Aliyah… They listened to my sermons, Bernie. That's how I lost my job… I came back for… Money is not the reason. We took the possessions and money to Israel… When you leave America, you take your family with you. You do not give up your traditions and your past... Lech Lecha... We do not know where we are going, but that is where we have to be. We must believe there is 'The place,' that Gd will show up. Because if we do not, then we are going to be stuck here, in Topeka... And I know my parents want me and my family out of their home... You need a wife. When they go down to Egypt, Sarah tells them she is Avraham’s sister… A good wife lies for you. She'll tell you, you're the best… She was good looking… (Bereishit 12:11) Avraham tells Sarah ‘his wife, “Behold, I know you are a good looking woman.”’ It took being scared that they will kill him (12:12) to finally pay her a compliment... Compliment her. It is for you. That's when they'll help you out. if you compliment them… When you do good to others, it’s for you… Alcohol is not good for anybody… You lose your wife and all the possessions… Yes. That’s how you lose your money. I want Arik to go. He is annoying. Ever since he joined the congregation, he is complaining… He tries to weasel his way out of everything… It’s shul. You come and have complaints about being in shul… Then go for yourself… It’s annoying. Do you show up to work and complain for nine hours that you are there? He even shows up late for work… See. That was me telling Arik to go to the place H' will show him, outside of the shul... H' apparently shows nobody shul during the week... We don't get a Minyin... (Bereishit 12:1) ‘To the land I will show you.’ Avraham is told to go to a specific place, that H’ will show him… Showing up late to work is not when H’ told you to show… You showed late for Minyin. That’s not where H’ showed you. He did not show you the Kiddish club… Baruch has to leave his house. We pray that H’ shows him how pathetic he looks. We pray He also shows him how to get a decent job. To donate to the rabbis discretionary fund… New Zealand needs aid… The shul trip can use some funding… You don’t just leave. You go to the land… Not New York. Make Aliyah… There are good looking single girls in Israel… They will lie for you… No. Baruch. H’ did not show Avraham the Kiddish club... Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Baruch thought that H’ showed Avraham the Kiddish club. It would've been an incentive. Rabbi was right. There is no way these people will meet anybody if they stay at their parents’ homes. This community is not wealthy enough for that. Avraham meeting Sarah doesn’t happen all the time. In Charan, Baruch would have a chance. Why are Baruch and Breana not together? There would be too many fights figuring out which one of their parents they would move in with. The rabbi was right. Baruch was exiled and he got married. Now, he still can't get back into the community. The rabbi has to lift the ban. Somebody just has to remind him to lift the ban. The Kiddish Club didn’t get the rabbi’s message. They were still out drinking. They even got mad at the rabbi for not bringing them fermented stuff from the grape juice crush. The rabbi's hands were purple the whole sermon. I couldn't catch most of it, as my eyes were focused on his purple palms. Arik has complained way too much. He showed up to the community three weeks ago and he keeps on telling the rabbi that everything he does is wrong. He's like an American moving to Israel. My friend moved and tells the Israelis how to live. She complains that everything they do is wrong. Shul is the most depressing thing when you show up in the mornings. The congregants have this depressed angry look on their face, as if they are extremely peeved to be Jewish. Then they go out and drink and start talking. They’re all the sudden happy. The rabbi tried telling them to stop, but it’s hard to reason with drunk people. Poaching from our shul has been something that the new shul down the block has been doing recently. Their rabbi came into shul and handed out his business cards. It seems like he is poaching members and even trying to take our rabbi's job. The artwork in the shul is idolatrous. Even the paint on the walls is stucco. The rabbi really wanted to see New Zealand. If he doesn’t get the sabbatical, we’re hitting Hawaii on the next shul trip. I have a feeling the rabbi wouldn’t mind if the congregants got stuck in New Zealand and stayed. Last I heard about the New Zealand trip, the rabbi worked at Ballantynes Department Store for a couple weeks. The kids at the Sunday School did a Lech Lecha rap. They still know nothing about the Parsha. However, they are learning how to human beatbox. We are working on talent in our community. Parents don't send their kids to music lessons, due to fear that the instruments will be played in the house. We are praying the human beatboxing leads to more talent. Dancing is out of the question. There is too much movement in that for our children. If you ever saw the inter-shul basketball league, you would understand. Even with the 80s themed human beatboxing, they are not going to be breakdancing. Tags:
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Your kid is late again and it’s your fault. You cannot use the ‘doctor’s appointment’ excuse more than eight times a semester. You also can’t write that your child is late because she was afraid of failing the Chumash test. You might as well tell them your daughter is failing Gd.
Teachers have seen them all. Thus, you must learn the art of writing late notes. You want your child getting into a decent high school, and late notes will get them there. I'm going to help. Here are some late notes that will help you, the parent, and the family, look good when writing notes for Jewish day school: My Child was Praying If it sounds religious, it’s not a demerit. Play their education game. We all know the kids have no clue what they're saying in the Hebrew prayers. How many times have they sang ‘Adon Olam’ in school? Exactly my point. No clue. There’s no way your child was praying. They haven’t even joined in the Hatikvah the past few weeks. Oh. The school will tell you, 'They sing that "Adon Olam" so beautifully.' That’s how they get the donations. The kids sing it with such commitment and Kavanah, proper intent, to harmonize. They think they’re singing about winter break and not having to be in school. My Child Was Honoring Her Parents It's a Mitzvah to let you sleep through bus pickup too. You can use any Mitzvah and the note will score extra credit points. ‘My child was visiting the sick on school time.’ ‘My child was honoring her parents by letting them sleep.’ ‘My child took out the trash.’ Even if it looks like you’re running a child labor camp, that’s fine if it’s a Mitzvah. ‘I was teaching him the blessing on cereal.’ That's educational, and no Jewish day school is going to argue that the blessing shouldn't take a couple of hours of focus. We Were Visiting My Parents That will get you an extended weekend every once in a while. Visiting grandparents can be part of the commandment to ‘honor your parents.’ Going to classes is not a commandment. Though, you get into more trouble for skipping school than sinning. The school will also support visiting the grandparents, as they are the ones paying for the education. We Ran Out of Frosted Flakes They’ll understand. Your child needs the flakes frosted. Anybody with a heart and kids will understand that your child threw a fit when you offered them Corn Flakes. They know your kid ripped up the box and threw it at you, smashing the Corn Flakes, spat on Kellogg’s, and pulled out all the drawers in the kitchen, threw all their clothes on the floor, ran away from home, and cursed out Mom. That’s expected nowadays. It’s a normal reaction to cereal with no sugar. The school will also understand that it's questionable to make a Bracha over unsugared cereals. We Were Still On Vacation for Chag Use the holiday as much as you can. Milk it. That note can last for three weeks after any holiday. They give you off eight, you take eighteen for your child. Eighteen lets them know it was a meaningful religious thing, as well. Slap ‘Chag with grandparents’ on that note, and your child will walk out with a 4.0 without ever being in class. Remember, late notes for Jewish day school can be used for not being in class for days or weeks. There is no reason to put in all that effort of writing for one day, or a couple of hours. What? Now, they expect you to write? You’re not in school. If your child has a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a school week, that’s a good time for a long family weekend getaway. I’m a Mother Accuse them. Let them know. These twenty-five-year-old teachers have no idea what you’re going through. Your kid deserves a decent grade because you have to parent them. Even if you’re not a mother, if you’re writing a late note you’re close enough. You can be the guy running the bodega; if you have to write the late note, you're the mom. Let the doctor know you’re a mother. Bring that note to the doctor’s office. Instead of waiting in the waiting room, make the doctor wait. At least your note is legible. ‘We made a mistake.’ Let it all out. You’re writing a note already, maybe you can find someone to talk to about the pain of parenting these children. You didn’t mean to have the seventh child. Maybe the teacher will have a heart and reach out to you. I Had to Pack Snacks for Nine Put it on you and the other eight kids you birthed. You can add in ‘I have a family,’ for spite. Have them asking why the note has nothing to do with the child. They’ll get the point. You can add in, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???!!!' Add that into any note for late note effect. My Child Was Running Errands Your child is a prodigy and you know that. Just ask you. That’s why you’re coming up with excuses for them to be late and skip tests. He’s a genius and you've seen him at work. His sense of direction is amazing. You saw that when he was in pre-school and could already find sugar cereals in the supermarket. Don’t worry about them accusing you of abuse and child labor. If you want to talk about abuse, they’re running school till 4:15pm. Plus, have you seen the Hebrew homework, in Hebrew? That’s sweatshop labor abuse. We Went to Israel With that note, your child never needs to show to class. You can get off a whole half year with that note. They’ll still give your child an ‘A’ at Jewish day school. They have to. The school has had enough arguments with people claiming that every moment in Israel is Jewish education. It’s about preservation of our people. If elementary school parents could set-up their eight-year-olds with good Shidduchs, they would have them skipping school so they could get married earlier. My Child Was Learning Torah That note will get you nowhere. They know that didn't happen. We Don’t Understand You ‘Neither me or my child understood your homework.’ Yes. You are part of this. They know you’re doing the homework. Have you seen this modern Hebrew? It’s impossible to hold down two jobs and to keep up with third-grade level. You can also write, ‘We had to go to after school classes to understand your class. We are late because we were taking your class.’ Better yet, write the note in Hebrew. ‘אנחנו מאוחרים בגלליך.’ She’ll the get the point. If it’s a first grader, write the note. First graders are still tracing the Aleph Bet, and they don’t get homework. Even so, you can still right the note for them. Better yet, trace it. Remember, it’s not the education, it’s what high school they’re going to get into. The blaming the teacher technique will work, if they want to keep their job. On a side note, it’s about time you brushed up on your non-Biblical Ivrit. More Brilliant Late Note Ideas to Help You ‘We had an extended Shabbat.’ Make your weekend getaway sound Jewish. You can even say that you went to a deli. You went on a ski trip? If it's over a weekend, that's an extended Shabbat. ‘They went to Minyin.’ If they go to shul, they can get off. You can just write ‘shul.’ The only issue is that the school has already pegged you, the parent, as a heretic. They know you’re not going out of your way to pray with your child. You might want to write, ‘They went with their Bubbie and Zayde to Minyin.’ The school loves them. They’re the only reason your child is at the school. They’re the ones paying. ‘I was running around, picking up all the children for their after-school activities, because none of the other parents in this class help with carpooling. See the children that showed up on time? I hate their parents.’ The other parents never do anything. Hate them. Let it out. ‘Why don’t you teach the children how to use an alarm clock in this school?’ That is a complaint more than a late note. Put the blame on them. ‘The bus wouldn’t wait.’ Your child is special. The school should know that. Your child is the champion. Your child is the winner. Your child is the best. The others are nothing compared to your child. ‘The bus was late because of my child.’ The school is fine with that. ‘Culture Club was playing and we had to play through “Time,” and then we rocked out to some Uncle Moishy and the Mitzvah Men. As a family, we sing together.’ ‘I took them to the Metallica concert last night.’ The honest, bold and defiant late note. You were hearing the heavy metal. You’re feeling it. If you’re worried, tell them it was an Uncle Moishy concert that you were drinking at with the kids. ‘Tooth hurt.’ Don’t tell them which tooth. There’s no point. It could be yours. The goal is to make the education hard on the teacher, while your child still receives a 4.0 for having Jewish grandparents. ‘Their little brother ate it.’ You’re religious. They know you don’t have a dog eating the kids homework. Why dogs love eating homework so much is something I will never understand. Yet, they eat it. They’ve seen little Jewish boys eat. If it has sugar on it, they’ll eat paper. Nobody has ever eaten those Lieber’s or Paskesz pebbles without devouring half a sheet of paper. If you need an animal for the note, you can use a goldfish. You can tell the school you won the goldfish at the Purim carnival. They’ll believe the goldfish ate it. ‘During these times.’ Anything you say with ‘during these times’ cannot be argued with. They chalk it up to the pandemic. ‘The pandemic.’ Just write ‘the pandemic’ and your child is promised a perfect score. If your child pays attention in school, they’ll learn how to get government assistance. ‘I am a parent and I need to sleep.’ You are not waking up at 6:30am. Responsibility is not important when you’re tired. You spent all day carpooling yesterday, and it wasn’t even your own child. You don’t want your kid getting bad grades and your family looking bad. Make sure you have the notes prepared. As we recap, never forget to add ‘Chag’ to your late note. Holidays can always be used to get out of school. You also get off more days of school if you add in grandparents and Israel (ex of the perfect late note- ‘We went to Metallica in Israel, on Chag, with our grandparents’). And when your child is older, they will learn the importance of celebrating holidays to get out of work. Next time we will talk about mastering the art of handing in late notes to the Jewish day school staff saying 'my child is Jewish' and ‘my child is a Tzadik,’ thus ensuring success with no explanation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Noach10/8/2021 
Nobody is visiting the sick. I believe the sick people are much happier. The last time I saw Nava visiting the sick, she stared at them the whole time with a pout. It was the most condescending thing I have ever seen in my life, after hearing Frank say that Michael is good at basketball.
Teenagers have been giving the rabbi weird looks lately. Anything he says, they respond by giving each other a side-glance. It's very unsettling. I appreciate Max telling the kids they've accomplished nothing, and they're breaking out. They're fool of acne with weird voices and no accomplishments, and they still look down on others. Fran is still saying 'they're the future of our people.' I don't know if that is hope or if she is saying how the Jewish people may not survive. They've got to be making the rabbi feel awkward. They're giving 'uggg' looks, with an awkward snarl. They think that's cool. His own niece started it. She was visiting and thought it was cool to make an awkward look anytime somebody over 40 talked. Double that with Mendy’s groan for Kaddish, and you have a very unsettling community where nobody wants to talk to anybody. His Kaddish is like hearing death happening in the now. He needs a shidduch too. You feel somebody died when you hear his bass groan. He should be a funeral kvetcher. He really brings the Kaddish feeling of the shul out. After Mendy's Yahrzeit month (why he says Kaddish for a month, nobody knows) the shul had a much more jolly feeling. Teenagers were probably the reason for the flood. In Noah’s time, it was probably those moving into their snobby 100s. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants. The land was full of bad stuff. Like this congregation. This town is also full of bad... The hotel room break in was sad news here… I understand that nobody was in the room and the safe… The safe couldn’t be broken into… If they had digital codes back in the days of Noach, who knows?... (Bereishit 6:11) 'The earth was corrupt before H' and it became full of robbery'. Not visiting the sick is robbing them of chicken soup... There is corruptness. That's why the youth group has such annoying kids in it... Rashi teaches that corrupt means immorality and idolatry, and Chamas means robbery… The real question is how many of you are members of Chamas?...A little play on words for my fine congregants. Chamas and Chamas… No. This is not political, Fran. Chamas means violence, cruelty or rapine…. Yes. They were doing everything wrong then too. When you are corrupt before H’, you are corrupt to other people… That's why teenaers snarl and Nava pouts... They were robbing each other Bernie… That means nothing to you because you stole the towel from the hotel… Have you ever met a teenager that doesn’t steal? Mine stole my sleep my whole thirties... And look at you all now corrupting the world. Showing up to shul in your fitted suits, slicked hair and shaytels from India… No. It’s not made out of chickpeas. Chamas is not Chumus… I'm sure the members of Chamas like Chumus… Back to the point of how each one of you robs the congregation of a new building when you don't pay dues. It is also immoral to be sitting in that seat Mr. Holzberg. The seat which Mr. Finblum and Dr. Horvitz paid for, for many years... They paid their dues Mr. Holzberg. They were not immoral, and thus they were not corrupt and hence they did not steal. Nor did they misappropriate funds… You stole their seat. That’s how you destroy shuls. Misappropriating placement of people … Yes. By taking people’s Makom Kavuah… That’s their set seat. You know who take somebody’s set seat? Chamas… And did they rob their kids of an education, of Chinuch? No. They did not. Education of their children was important to them and that is why they sent their children to public school... Corruptness leads to robbery. As we have all seen with lack of style in our congregation... It was for this reason the world was to be destroyed, as H' said to Noach (Breishit 6:13), 'The end of all flesh is coming...because the earth was full of Chamas.' You can't have earth without proper behavior. Look at them... That is not earth... It's because of corrupt behavior, such as talking during shul that the world was to be destroyed. The same word used for corruptness is the same route as the word for destroyed... נשחתה… You have already destroyed this sermon with your little whispering in the back there, as you have all destroyed this shul's Junior congregation by not properly choosing a good cantor. Melinda cannot do the Anim Zmirot, nor can Shmuel lead in the Ashrei... I went into junior congregation and it was pathetic. If our toddlers are singing this bad, imagine how much worse they will sound at their Bar Mitzvahs... We allow them to lead Adon Olam, because they are in first grade and we have to give them a chance to learn. NO! We have to teach our kids correctly. Teach them what shul is really about… Dues, Bernie. Pay them... Mendy's groan is a good start... Teach them how to listen to a chazan or we will destroy the community… Yes. It’s painful. But that is how the community… the chazan will be out of a job. Neither here nor there, but he should come up with some new funkier tunes... It is painful to listen to you because you sound like Kermit the Frog. That's not a tradition... It is due to the corruptness of robbery, as Rashi notes, that the world is destroyed. Let us not rob our children of the experience of sitting and listening to a chazan sing his same tune, again... Your tunes don't change. Ashrei sounds just like the Amida. And then you join 15 words together… Because the tune doesn’t fit the words. You corrupt the songs with words that don't fit... There had already been corrupted. H' wasn't going to destroy the world, because the world was already destroyed. When something is messed up, it's already destroyed. There is no use for it anymore. The quilt should've been gone years ago. You and your slicked back hair and shaytels from India... Are we closing down the shul? No, Mr. Holzberg has already closed it. Enjoy your seat.... You've already robbed people of the chicken soup project... You don't visit the sick. That destroys the world too... What else destroys the world? Not showing up to Minyin. Not learning. Not respecting your elders... You took her seat... You got up because she hit you with her wheelchair... You never visited her... Old isn't a sickness... She can't move... (Bereishit 6:9) Noach was a righteous man ‘in his generation.’ We are not looking for a righteous man or woman. We are only looking for somebody who is better than this congregation… We are now taking donations for the rabbi's discretionary fund.... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendlechem’s Sermon The ending of the sermon brought everybody together. It really spoke to the congregants. During announcements, the rabbi reiterated, 'It's stealing when you don't pay your dues and use them on a shaytel... We are now taking donations for the rabbi's discretionary fund....' He wanted more money for his new Shul Torah Trip program. He knew nobody else would go, once he added the Torah concept to the trip. He needed that vacation from the congregants. Even my father said the play on words with Chamas went too long. It got to be too much when the congregants sincerely thought that Chumus planned the attacks on Israel last year. I believe the rabbi lost most of us when he said ‘deluge.’ We’re not that educated. He could’ve said ‘flood’ and everybody would’ve understood. The rabbi believes it is more rabbinical to use words that nobody understands. This way it is closer to the Hebrew. We had a class last week where the congregants were trying to figure out what ‘firmament’ means. ‘Rapine’? Did he have to? People were pulling out legal books after shul, to understand the rabbi's sermon. We started a Bikur Cholim committee. You start committees when people do nothing. This way they can talk about doing the thing they don't do. In this case, it's visiting the sick. They came up with a great plan to rotate not visiting people in the hospital. The rabbi added visiting the elderly. He already knows that the congregants abandon their parents and throw them into nursing facilities to die. He's mentioned that a bunch in passing. He doesn't talk about that in sermons, as most of the congregants forgot their parents are still around. They would stay in for Yizkur, but they have a tradition of stepping out. At one point, the rabbi had to argue with the Kiddish Club, who insisted on drinking during Yizkur. The rabbi got a lot of backlash for saying that it's wrong to drink when people are praying for their loved ones who have passed. Mr. Fishberg insisted that it made no sense to make Yizkur candles in shot glasses then. After mentioning the elderly, the rabbi had to spend eighteen minutes explaining that they are not diseased. The congregants couldn't understand how being old isn't a sickness or a disease. The rabbi made it a point to look at any older person, other than Bernie, and they could see it wasn't a disease. As the rabbi said, 'Bernie is annoying. That is his disease. Don't catch that, or nobody will want to talk to you at Kiddish.' The rabbi tried explaining how age is beauty. But our congregants are not that dumb. Nobody went along with that farce. I hope these people don't visit the sick. If they do, they need lessons on how to be normal caring people. Nava has spent every committee meeting teaching people the importance of pouting and staring at the sick. She even went right up to people's faces to show them that there is a greater effect of staring when you are right up in the face of someone on morphine. The shaytel issue of idol worshipping wigs is over. We just accept that everybody in the shul is probably an idol worshipper. This is why the rabbi only makes Kiddish on cooked wine. The rabbi was correct about seat appropriation. Sitting Frank next to Bob and Paul causes way too many problems in the shul. Teenagers have to be separated as well, or you have a gang developing in the aisle. And then the rabbi finds himself looking at a whole section of people pouting. Every appropriation in our shul has been inappropriate. The teenagers are annoying. Everybody who is not a teenager in our shul agrees with that. We love the little kids though. We hate the teens and love the kid. Every person in our shul is hated at some point. Our community took a census. We love old people and hate young people. The rabbi ran a Jewish Life Cycle class in which he showed us how you hate people in their teenage years. He ran that class for the youth group as well. Crux of the class: We love babies, then we buy them stuff for years, then we deal with teens while hating them, then we forget your birthday and want you out, then we expect you to get a job, then you become a jerk who wants to be a success, then we expect you to support us, then you lose all of your friends, then we all realize you are never going to be a success, then you realize you might as well not be a jerk anymore, then you get old and we like you again. The rabbi ended the class, 'Then we like you again, unless if you're Bernie.' The youth group program the following week, Navigating Coolness, was given by Nava. She showed the teenagers how the pout is best done by those who learned to snarl as teens. The rabbi blames the Jewish day school for this messed up generation. He told the principal that kids are not always right. That's the new concept. Kids are always right. They can't cross the street alone, but they are always right. The rabbi let her know that she is never right and kids give bad stock tips. The toddlers need to work on their Adon Olam and ark opening. You can't tell me they are opening the ark correctly. They're definitely going to turn into annoying teenagers. Tags:
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That is a bunch of people not having fun (Photo: digitalnewsroom.media)
The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.
Close Friends Table These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding. If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough. They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack. Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys. Bride’s Girl Friend Table This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met. They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb. They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys. Singles Table This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness. On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you. If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married. If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive. CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible. Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD. If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein. Kids Table Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height. Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads. This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers. No Place Card Table You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord. If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways. Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with. You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too. And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/1/2021 
We buried the Sefarim, holy books. Burying the Shaimos is an annual tradition at the shul. We do it just in case anybody didn't have to show up to a funeral. We want them to feel a sense of loss and guilt. It reminds them about how bad they already messed up since the High Holidays. So, the rabbi takes Sefarim that none of the congregants understand, and none of the congregants have used, and has a burial ceremony. The rabbi's eulogy is always meaningful, when he talks of the next generation, saying 'you and your children,' letting the congregants know that they have killed Judaism for all Jewish future 'and that is why we are burying the Sefarim. Because you killed them.' And then he points at Bernie.
The rabbi also made the point that people shouldn't use the shul as a dumping ground for their books. One time, I think it was the Simelsteins, brought a set of Gemaras and a collection of Mother Goose books and dropped them. Just left them at the shul, in the hallway. There were so many good books. They should’ve had a Sefarim take what you want night. Some real valuable old stuff was being thrown out. Frank jumped into the grave to grab some of the Gemaras. I believe he took as many as the old books as he can, and started an Ebay business. The shul was packed this Shabbat, with congregants who didn't want to kill the Torah a second time. The problem is that the rabbi buried most of the Chumashim. How the pages of the Sefarim are not clean, when nobody has ever used them, is a mystery in our shul. The youth group advisors were visiting. I think we have more advisors showing up to events than high school kids. The idea of the youth group in the shul is that the youth meet. The advisors need it more than our kids. They're already 19. They have to get married. After 22, it's harder to meet somebody in the community. People start questioning what's wrong with them. If you were to see Nathan and Sima, you would understand. They're the new single members of the shul. We have just had a New Year’s resolution meeting for the whole congregation, where the rabbi made it a point to note everybody’s sins in the congregation. Bernie thought the meeting was best used to bring out a more tenacious congregational feel. 'Resolute' was the word. So, Bernie and Fran became determined to argue for everything they felt the congregation should do. They fought. However, the congregation still voted. Bernie’s idea of the new revolving bima (cantor’s platform) did not pass. The cantor still prays to the East. It was a hard hit to Bernie, as he already got shot down last year for his idea of a revolving congregation. The rabbi was very much in favor of having new members every week. He was also in favor of kicking a member out every week. The rabbi insisted we pray to the East, and the congregation went back to the conversation about Michael and how embarrassing it was for the community that his voice cracked when he read the Torah. The fact that it was his Bar Mitzvah was not discussed. Nobody should be forced to have to sing publicly when they are on the cusp of puberty. No resolutions were made at the meeting, and every congregant is still allowed to eat chocolate and cake. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shalom My Congregants, We are now beginning the New Year of the reading of the Torah, as we just began the New Year itself, and Michael just began to go through a voice change, which is making it very hard on everybody in the congregation…. How do we make this a good start? (Bereishit 1:1) 'In the beginning, H' created the heavens and earth.' What have you done? Since the year began, have you accomplished anything? Gd created the whole earth already. Animals... Mrs. Hortman has already started eating chocolate… You made a resolution to not eat chocolate… I told you it wasn’t the Gregorian New Year’s Day… I don’t know Greg. I just know that nobody hear has done anything close to creating heavens and earth… You didn’t even plant the tomato tree you said you would… What do you have to show for your days? You don’t even show up for services... 62 years and you created nothing... H' created the earth in a day. The still life is not that impressive... Gd created the fruit and you drew it... We are embarking on the New Year and you said 'I will,' 'I will not.' No idea what you were resoluting. It seems that Michal said 'I will not,' and that was it. Many statements of resolution that were unqualified... H' said ;let there be light' and there was light. You said 'let there be weight loss' and there was... You took off nothing. This congregation put on 80 pounds last year… Yes, it is a big deal, Bernie. 80lbs is a lot… There was definitely chocolate. How do you feel about that Mrs. Slonadowskwitz?... I said, ‘Let there be a decent Kiddush’ and there was not... You say stuff and you never do it. H’ created light because He said so. You cannot create a decent watermelon basket. The watermelon carving is horrendous… We emulate H', as we are 'created in Gd's image.' But how? You do something. You get off your tuchus… Maybe don't learn from H's actions. We have enough congregants who like to complain and nothing gets done. H' said it and He willed it. You all just sit on your recliners at home and complain about the rabbi... Because you are lazy… You won't create. You say stuff and don't follow up... You work on your voice Michael. It cracks… Say you will work on it… You’ll have Hatarat Nedarim next year. We already need it. Less than a month into the year and you already broke your vows… So don’t make the vows, just do stuff. Plant the tomatoes already… You’ve been saying it for five years… Give the chocolate away on Halloween... Don't say you will, just do it... You were taking candy out of kids buckets last year... I even saw you taking from the children's Simchat Torah bags. Were you throwing the wrappers on the floor?... There was 'Tohu Vavohu' which translates to nothing. Kind of like our Minyin last week… There was nothing. I ask you all, my congregants, who have accomplished nothing with what little you have and to emulate your creator. Do something. Create something... Don’t say it. Just do it. You say stuff and walla, nothing happens… The quilt is pathetic. Don’t create that. Art is not for this congregation. Create goodness, like a decent brisket… Use what H’ gave you… Create a decent dish. Create a fruit basket that doesn’t look like a shark took a huge bite out of a watermelon… If H’ wanted to create an amazing fruit basket, made out of watermelon, He would have… He knows they always look messed up. That’s why he created the watermelon and didn’t cut it… Learn how to carve… Better yet, just say it and don’t do anything… When you do stuff, it makes everything bad. That is the lesson. Even though it is not the message of this Dvar Torah, to do, but rather to say and then it gets done. We do not support domestic abuse… Husbands and wives should both help around the house… After creating the land and vegetation (Bereishit 1:12) Gd sees it 'And it was good.' And the same with the sun and moon and stars… have you done anything remotely decent with yourselves over the past few weeks?... Your Etrog wasn’t even that good… It was a bad batch this year. Sorry. But it was meaningful. The heart of our people needs a boost... We need to do something about the teenagers. They scare people and make nasty faces... Your year just started. It is a chance to do good… The kids need help in this shul… Look at them. They are all walking in shorts this week… They killed their pants diving for candy on Simchat Torah… That is not good… Nobody here knows how to hem… I just wish I could say 'good,' but I look at this quilt... I see how heavy Marty got... I know it's the holidays. So, resolute something else... like 'I will get new pants that fit.' (Bereishit 1:31) ‘H’ sees all that He did and it was very good’… I asked for a decent kiddush. Didn't even get that… I didn’t ask for a very good Kiddish. Just decent… You cannot even create a way to take-off weight… The holidays are done, B"H. That is good… For me. I need a break from you people. I need to rest… Not just that, He created the land, animals, vegetation… I am sure He created the stars too… He created you and me. (Bereishit 2:1-3) H’ finished all the creations by the seventh day, ‘and he rested on the seventh day from all of his work… and He blessed the seventh day and made it holy…’ I can’t bless you, because you don’t let me rest. I can’t get any sleep in this place. The Chazin goes on with his notes. Then I have to answer your questions during Kiddish… What have you done since we started this year? What have you created? Let's create something now. Let's hear it. 'I resolute'... I resolute that... Resoluting to take out the trash is good. No more throwing candy wrappers on the floor... The kids on Simchat Torah. We had a three year old running around, taking two bites and dropping the lolly... Is she old enough to chew? I think she was teething on lollys. Here is proof... You see the marks on the side of the lolly? And the carpet stuck to the back side? I resolute to learn. Not just to sell the Sefarim on Ebay... I heard you when you jumped into the Shaimos, Frank. 'I am going to make a bundle on Ebay'... Have you even created a new diet? No... You are still eating, even after you resoluted... You haven't learned any Sefarim either. He created the heaven and earth!!! You can't even make a decent split pea soup... You put croutons in it... Creating a business is a thing. Why H' made no money off the creation is still baffling... Rivka’s Thoughts On Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi seemed to figure out the lolly case. He did tell us later that week that he studied forensics. The maintenance staff is still picking up candy wrappers off the floor. The Gusher wrappers clogged up the vacuum. Since Simchat Torah, kids are not allowed back into the shul until they sign a waiver that they will not drop every candy wrapper. The four year olds get to trace their signature. Mr. Heinwitz is an excellent candyman. The board was wrong for making him cleanup after the kids. He's 85 and bending everywhere. The shul almost got sued with his last candy debacle. Collectors items became a big thing in the congregation. Now the congregants are collecting and trading old Jewish Sefarim. They had a baseball card show last year that didn't pan out. All the cards were basketball, football and hockey cards. Not one baseball card. The crowd was calling it a bait and switch, and they were happy. Nobody wanted baseball cards. Now the shul is being used as a Goodwill drop off center, and then being used for an Ebay shipping hub. Frank was making a killing on the Sefarim he grabbed out of the grave. Michael and Shana noticed how well that was going, so they dug up the Shaimos too. They were digging up everything they could. When they realized it was not a Shaimos plot, Mr. Tobokman's grave should've been reseeded. They should've known that the Seforim don't get stones, as they have been killed too many times by the congregants at our shul. It's hard to figure out their date of death or hallway drop-off. It would be nice if they got more boxes when they throw the books into the hallway. Some of the boxes are overflowing. The youth had a Jenga event, trying to pull out Sefarim from a crate. The youth group, NJP (National Jewish Pride- which people still think is a right-wing underground movement or LGBTQ support group) has taken control of the Ebay sales. The kids are wearing a lot of new swag, but the youth group is still running a huge deficit for the shul. The advisors are also rolling into the shul parking lot with souped up cars. As Bereishit is about new beginnings and creation, the shul purchased 150 of the same Chumashim they buried. I don't know why new beginnings was a theme. Everytime we start a new project we get a quilt. The shul needs money. The new fundraising campaign is they’re starting to charge for parking. Got the idea from the hospital. Somebody opened a lot across the street for Shabbat parking, when they saw how much money is to be had by Jews who want to look religious when driving on Shabbat. With the parking and Ebay, they're raking in a killing. The shul cut a deal with them. Flippy tab cards are still lacking. We need more flippy tabs. Otherwise, the shul will never make the money. Even with the parking, the tab gets flipped for 6 or 18 dollars, then they leave that in their car, till they leave the parking lot and hand it to the usher. This stops people from coming into the shul and walking up to the Bima to ask the rabbi to validate on Shabbat. Michael has been having it hard recently. His voice cracked again. He could not respond to the rabbi’s point, as his voice would have cracked. I don’t think the rabbi should be getting down on him for that. Nonetheless, his voice is really annoying and everybody wants him to stop singing the ‘Eitz Chayim Hee.’ Mrs. Slonadowskwitz has a thyroid issue. She bothers the doctors every week. She gave birth two months ago. I have no idea where her kids are. We have lost many doctors in this congregation, as they are sick of getting bothered at Kiddish. They want the insurance money, and they can’t bill on Shabbat. Their secretaries don’t come to shul. I am still trying to figure out why all New Year’s resolutions in Gregorian come down to not eating chocolate. The point that H’ could have created a watermelon basket really spoke to everybody. I asked the rabbi why he didn’t bring up Israeli creations and the new Start Up nation thing, but the watermelon was a big winner with the congregation. Even so, Bernie did not like the point. At least he said he didn't like what the rabbi was saying. I am proud of my rabbi though. He made it a real sermon by calling out the congregation on not showing up for the weekday services. Husbands helping around the house should have been brought up at the meeting. The joke about ‘who sliced the brisket’ had everybody laughing at last year's third annual board meeting. The rabbi had to host an impromptu vow nullification ceremony after this sermon, as he found that everybody in the congregation was a liar. Somebody suggested to wait till next Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, as the congregants were lying about annulling their vows too. Tags:
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Esav was mad his Birthright didn’t allow him a free trip to Israel… He was already there. You get it? Esav sold his birthright to Yaakov. Birthright gives free trips to Israel. Esav didn’t get that. That’s probably the reason he was mad at Yaakov. If he wasn’t living in Israel, he still wouldn’t have got it. They didn’t have Birthright back then. 
His modeling career took off with the Dr. Shtaygen’s collapsible Shtender. Some models are discovered in malls. Frum models are discovered in the Beit Midrash or at Essen on Coney... Different standards. The Frum model is going for a heavier look.
David Kilimnick’s One-man Reunion Tour
David performs his Original Songs of Israel Love and Peace such as 'Marzipan Rugulach' and 'Smack Your Little Kid'... Click on the picture for your tickets in Rochester
Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... teaching that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
10/29/2021
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