Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love.
Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy.
 
Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles.
 
For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama.
 
Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew...
Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying.
They know what ugly is.

There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules...

They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other...
You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas...

H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas...
Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding.
Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord.

(Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul...
You see things... You hit on a young guy.
And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub.

It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there...
No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan...
They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now.

Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.'

These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now.

They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her.

Rivka’s Rundown
I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish.

Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there.
I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine.

They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes.
One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal.
It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her.

Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her.
To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you.

Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage.

We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community.
It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people?

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful.
 
The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes.
A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month.
 
We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul.
 
No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim...
No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed...

Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house.
I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv...

Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis.
They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea.
My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place...
You're the reason for Tisha BAv...

We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah.
This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You.
No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.'

Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom.

We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition.
We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you...

Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi.
By the way. The rabbi loves grapes.

Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three.
There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.'
All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger.

That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie.

'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych.
Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers.

I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot.
Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about.
They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.'

Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations.
I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming up. Prepare for the Nine Days this week. Please don't cause anybody to speak Lashon Hara by saying something stupid. The rabbi would like to let the congregants know that they're the reason for the destruction.
Also, no new clothes should be bought during this time. Don't do laundry. If everybody looked disheveled like Max, we would be better off as a people.
 
The shul would like to apologize for the Ferkowitz Simcha. It was almost as bad as the Feigenbloom's wedding. We are just happy that it took place during the Three Weeks. The Shabbis Simcha was awful. It reminded us all about the destruction of the Temple, with stale Babka, a meatless choolante, and streamers. The redemption will not come with toothpicks in gefilte fish balls.
 
Highlights from the annual meeting: Everybody shared their opinion.
 
Books were left outside for the kid library for three days. Everybody passed them.  All people at the meeting saw the books piled at the door. We just felt it is important to note that nobody bent to help.
Keeping the shul clean wasn't brought up at the annual meeting. Nor was having a Minyin. People going to Minyin also passed the books and didn't pick them up. We want to thank all of our volunteers. You.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 31:11-14) They brought Moshe and Elazar the spoils of the Midianim, the captives and the animals... 'Moses was angry with the leaders of the army...'
And they make another mistake. Moshe's like 'Not again... the sisterhood chipped the facade again...' Then don't decorate. Every time you decorate the Simcha hall it looks less happy... It looks like the destruction of the Temple... Why do we need streamers in the shul?! The shul doesn't need streamers.

Don't come up with ideas. Your creativity is detrimental to service of Gd.
Surprise!!! Moshe is not happy. 'But we thought we were doing the right thing.'

And you even mess up vows... I hear a promise from you and I'm thinking 'I hope they don't keep that promise... Because when you keep promises the shul ends up with a whole library full of boxes that you dump at the back door, and streamers in gefilte fish balls... Bite-size gefilte fish balls are disgusting. Gefilte fish can be amazing. Tiny balls with a toothpick are...
Your help is messed up... No ideas. Don't think.
We have so much stuff. We don't need more spoils. Your books are spoiled. Your donation of the coat rack... We have a coat rack already. We have a whole coat room... You wanted to throw it out and not get taxed. And then you gave us your coats. You gave us your coat rack with your coats... The Salvation Army said no.
Have you ever seen how angry your donations get me?! And your donations to the food cupboard. You get poor people mad...

So many of you say stupid stuff and you never keep your promises.
You said you were going to diet on New Year's... You have no dieted. There is no way that you have been dieting Mark.
Promises are like vows. I would annul every one of your promises to the shul... Did you give your donation from the Yizkur Appeal?! Exactly. Right after Kol Nidrei, you lie... Annul it all. I would annul your memberships too.
Why don't you vow to pick up the books that have been sitting at the front door for a week?!

Why does Moshe get mad at the leaders? Rashi 'The transgression of a generation is dependent on its leaders. As they have the power to protest.'
The shul has no leaders, so I get mad at everyone...
What have the leaders done? Exactly. No leaders.

Yes. Moshe is mad. He asks (Bamidbar 31:15) 'Did you let the females live?!' Who does that... They caused the Jews to sin. Always causing sin. It's the women... Of course, Moshe had his heart broke. They do it to all of us...

You can make a difference. You can protest wrong.
Not one person brought in the books. Fifty people at the annual meeting. Books still outside... It wasn't even a discussion. And you like to discuss stuff. You didn't even talk about it. Nobody brought up keeping the shul clean. Or Minyin. We haven't had a Minyin, and you're talking about the shul BBQ... No. You talked about the concept of cleaning. A metaphysical concept.

Wasn't even discussed at the annual meeting. Instead, you discussed the new concept of Shul Storage... I know we can make a lot with self-storage in the shul. Instead of the 'please take your books and stuff back to your house bins' we charge people for throwing out their trash...

Why does Moshe get mad?
You do so many things wrong. If you would just listen to me. You don't even Kasher correctly. (Bamidbar 31:21-24) You pass it through the fire and 'you must be purified with the sprinkling water'... Yes. A Mikvah. I know it's disgusting to put it in the Mikvah after Shloimi dunked in it. When was the last time you showered... Even Max showers.
That's why we built the Keli Mikvah... Why is Shloimi dunking himself in the Keli Mikvah? That's wrong... Yes. We can have cameras in the Keli Mikvah.

How about we vow to talk about what is important in shul... Money. Exactly.

This is why it's good that a father and husband can annul a vow... You make dumb decisions.... Maybe vow to smile. Yes. It's the Nine Days. Maybe if you smiled, we'd rebuild the Temple...

This isn't the annual meeting. Your opinions just get your rabbi angry... They would definitely bother Moshe.

Rivka’s Rundown
I believe I heard the rabbi say he was going to annul everybody's membership. That would make for a happier atmosphere in shul.

I think that everybody loves the shul BBQ. If we skipped Minyin on Shabbis mornings and just had a BBQ, more members would show.

The books sat there for three at least three days. Might have been a week.
We've turned the lost-and-found into a donation bin for stuff we're hoping to get rid of. It's a please take your stuff back bin. I know who donated it by who's happy when they pass the bin. They see their donations there and smile, and they leave it. 
The shul got new security cameras. I think it's to figure out who's leaving their trash at the shul. I'm telling you, these people just drop it at the door and run. It's a drop and run. I've seen some throw the stuff out of their car, in hopes that nobody sees them. I know it was the Smithstein family, when we saw the name tags of their eleven-year-old that grew out of the speedo for camp this summer.

The shul as a storage space is a bit much. Though, we do need to figure out what to do with all the books, clothing and disheware. The dishware is wrong. If we just knew who it was, we would be able to tell if it was meat or dairy, or not kosher. Nobody trusts the Hashgacha in the Bergstein home. That's how you know if somebody is religious in the community. If they spit when they hear the Bergstein name.

The Nine Days are truly enjoyed by our community. The congregants are very good at mourning. They never smile.

The annual meeting was like a townhall. Everybody complained about cleanliness and nobody picked up the books. The books are probably still sitting there, and everybody is complaining about cleanliness. They didn't discuss cleanliness. They complained about it. And then they moved on to complaining about the building and who have they have to sit next to during the High Holidays.
Everybody has an opinion. I thought we would be out of there, and then people started asking questions. Questions take a really long time.

The new kids’ library is never clean. The parents never told their kids to clean up after themselves. That should be a vow kids take. 'I vow to clean up after myself.' The parents in our shul would annul that vow. They don't want their kids helping with anything in the shul. They want them to follow in the family tradition.
I believe the message in the homes is: Don't clean up after yourself at shul. We paid dues three years ago.
Somebody had the Chutzpah to ask the rabbi why he didn't pick up the books and bring them in. The rabbi explained that he was trying to teach them a lesson.

The whole thanking the volunteers is getting annoying. They volunteer for the least helpful things. One guy volunteered to get an Aliyah and got mad when he didn't get a thank you note.
Too much credit is given to these people for doing nothing. Nobody volunteered to pick up the books. Volunteer to cleanup. That's a volunteer. The cleaning service doesn't clean anything. They passed those books a few times.

They thanked all the volunteers in the announcements with 'you.' They couldn't come up with anything other than 'you.' That was the activity they did as volunteers. They were them.

I think rabbi proposed that Moshe was mad at women because a girl broke his heart. I get it.
I can definitely tell you that Mark is not dieting. I've seen him at Kiddishes and Simchas. The Ferkowitzs got a bad rap. It's not their fault. Mark devoured all the pigs in blankets before they made it to the smorgasbord.

Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych.

Who Deserves a Yashkoych
If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you.
Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him.
Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs.
Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych.
Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five.
Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better.

Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych
We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit.
One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round.
The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first.

I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul.

I got stuck on דף מ"ט

49a
When you damage somebody's field, you pay them back with the best of your field or the best of their field. I don't know which one. That part is very confusing.
Rabbi Yishamel and Rabbi Akiva argue. But they don't argue. But they do. We think they argue.

49b
Nope. They're arguing. Rabbi Yishmael says you have to pay from the best of the fields of the Nizik (the one who got damaged). Rabbi Akiva says from the best of the fields of the one who did the damages, the Mazik.
It's a better deal for the Mazik to pay from the Nizik's best, as your ox damaged all of their stuff already. So, you pay from the best of the trampled-on corn.
And then other people get involved and it gets confusing.

They talk about Tikun Olam (fixing the world) and that is why you have to give from the best of your field, so that people don't steal. If the judges take away your best property, you won't steal. You'll be stuck with the stuff that you stole. And why are you stealing Kias when you have to pay back with a Toyota. Lexus would be a better example. We should've said Lexus. The real lesson here is, don't get caught.

We have a Ketubah so that the husband doesn't get rid of his wife. Without a Ketubah he would drop her right away. It's easier to watch football when you don't have a wife. But when you have to now pay 200 zuz, you think twice about letting her go.
So there is reason to say you can pay her with the best of your field. But maybe it's the worst of your field. All I know is that women want to get married and men want a big screen and a beer.

We learn the laws of marriage from damages and theft. That's how our sages understand marriage.

וכי תימא 'Maybe you'll say'- When the Gemara said this it got more confusing for everybody.

Announcements
The rabbi forgot to announce July 4th last week. We are sorry for his lack of love for America. It wasn't in the announcements either, because of the rabbi.
The rabbi did have a BBQ. The Herman Mishpuchi confirmed that. Don't worry. Nobody missed out. It was just dogs. No hamburgers.
The shul's July 4th parade didn't happen. We want to apologize for not having the parade again this year. It was the rabbi's fault.
 
Glamping group will be meeting at the Walmart parking lot, where they will spend their first night of glamping.
 
No attacking people for Davening too fast. Just because somebody said the Baal Tefillah (Chazin) did Adon Olam too fast does not give everybody the right to jump on the guy. As much as we all like to complain, nobody wants to be in shul longer. Please thank him. If you'd like to blame somebody, blame the rabbi.
 
Shul excercise classes are starting this Monday. The classes will get you in shape for carrying around the Torah, helping setup Kiddish, and showing up to shul on time.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They counted the people... It's called a census... Well. It makes sense. There was a plague.
When something catastrophic happens, you take a census. That is why we count every day at Shul... This congregation is a plague. Minyin... Almost every Minyin is catastrophic. The Aliyah and ark opening fights... We rarely get a Minyin. So. When people do come, like at a normal shul, we take a census...
They count kids in camp too... The way the shul's day camp is run, you need to take a census. They lose kids all the time... I know we don't count at junior congregation. Because you don't care if we lose your children.

(Bamidbar 26:10) 'Then the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach with the death of the assembly... a sign...'  That's how you teach a lesson... We're not scaring your kids... The basement didn't swallow your kids. They were playing down there. They got locked in the... We didn't lose them, and they didn't get swallowed by the laundry chute...

Why the swallowing? To teach a lesson. Rashi teaches so that people know to not mess with the Kehuna...
We need signs so that people know to not do Davening too fast, or the congregation will hurt you... A sign to lift the Torah correctly. Felvel broke his back the other day lifting the Torah. A cue. Like 'tighten your stomach'... I would think that the flags around the city and the BBQs would remind you it's July 4th. That's a sign...
We've never had a parade. We've seen other people parade. But our congregants don't parade. Our congregants couldn't walk down Main Street. They can't even walk to shul... I know because you all drive.
Nobody cared when I forgot Yom HaAtzmaut...

The real problem is blame. A lack of wanting to do, yet wanting credit.
You want the Kehuna, but you don't want to help setup Kiddish. You eat... You complain about not getting honors in shul. You scream at the Gabai. None of you want to Layn... We should not give Yasher Koyachs for getting an Aliyah. The guy did nothing. You Layn, you read from the Torah, your get a Yasher Koyach.
Don't mess with the Kehuna and don't mess with the Gabai. From now on, if you get angry about not getting an Aliyah, we hurt you. Either that or you have to help setup Kiddish. And you have to walk to shul...
Never effort. You all show up at 10:30am. It takes you two hours to walk to shul. You must be out of shape...
Pinchas took action. Those who take action don't complain. They don't mess with the Kehuna. They do. They don't blame, like Isaac...

To get mad at the Baal Tefillah is not a Pinchas move. He was leading Davening... He didn't start taking off his clothes in the middle of Chazaras HaShas...
Pinchas would've Davened fast. There is no such thing as Davening too fast. There is appreciation. Anytime one of the kids doesn't lead Ein Keilokeinu, and we can sing the normal tune... Yes. We're thankful when we do the not slow tune.
You get up there and you lead. You don't learn how to lead. You do it. Leading is an action... Leading is not what you're doing when you complain about the rugulach at Kiddish... I understand they have cheese. They're a different kind of rugulach. You don't mess with the butterflake rugulach. Butterflake and cheese is amazing... Then you eat choolante later. Fools.
Who was the fool who said to add more between Brachas and Rabbi Yishmael??? Who are you?... You're not even a member of the shul. You just showed up two weeks ago... Who are you?!
In this shul, you all mess with stuff. Anything good, you mess with. The back left section should be swallowed up... If the earth swallowed up the congregants, we would get a Minyin.

You all complain. You complain about me... I understand you need something to complain about, but you're messing with the shul. Who tells a guy to Daven slower?!!! Who?!!! What is wrong with you... You didn't even want to be the Baal Tefillah...

It's you.
(Bamidbar 26:11) 'The children of Korach didn't die.' Thank Gd. No kids died at camp this summer... You don't blame the children for the faults of their ancestors. We don't blame your kids that you Daven too slow... And we don't blame grandchildren for Bernie. We pray for them... If Korach's kids were at shul, with Shmuli leading Davening, they would've wanted to kill themselves. They would've asked why they're not leading... Because Shumli Davens too slow. He should be stabbed.

We do an early Kiddish with Youth Groups so they can enjoy themselves. They'll starve if they have to wait for Shmuli to finish...
A July 4th BBQ is up to you. It was at my house.

And now you mess with July 4th. The fact you missed July 4th is on you. You didn't prepare. You didn't think about it. You just complained. You could've had a BBQ... I am not inviting you. You'll show up to a BBQ on time. Why not to Minyin?

Instead, you go glamping... That's the most American thing you did. You went glamping. Instead of camping, you rented a house. And then you got fast food.
You do nothing right. You don't even camp correctly... It was a house. You were driving an apartment, and then you slept at Walmart. Walmart is not a forest.

Your kids aren't out of shape. They can go camping. They can pitch a tent. If they workout, they can lift the Torah and help with Kiddish. Maybe they can even learn to Layn... Glamping is not American tradition.
It's about the next generation respecting tradition. Doing...

Yes. Tzelafchad's daughters are there in the Parsha... Now. Now, you stick up for them. 3,400 years later?!

Rivka's Rundwon
The announcements are always misspelled.

I think the rabbi ends every sermon angry.

I agree with the rabbi. We need to slow down on the Yasher Koyachs. When I see people like Bernie getting an ego for rolling the Torah, not even Hagba, it's bothersome. Say, 'Hello.' Not 'Yasher Koyach.'
He walks off the Bima like he's a rock star. Pointing at people, 'No. Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' We had Sefardim one Shabbis. He yelled out 'Chazak vAmatz to everybody,' and didn't even buy them rounds.

'The shul is a plague, but don't blame the kids.' A strong message from our rabbi. He is so wise. Always has the right lesson to impart. The parents in our shul are very messed up.
The kids do learn from the adults.
Junior congregation has got heated with the new elections. They are now arguing regularly. One kid who didn't even run for president of junior congregation asked why the girl who got voted in gets to lead.
The big question is how many people can lead Davening at once. They had eight kids around the Bima leading last week. I think the youth director is scared that if she says 'no' the kids will protest. They have a Gabai who makes decisions as to who gets to use the LEGO.

They truly threw the rabbi under the bus. 
The shul has never had a July 4th parade. Members join in for the town parade.
We once had a Yom HaAtzmaut parade. The members couldn't even make the walk around the block. So out of shape. Which is why our softball team is getting killed again this year.

The rabbi focused on July 4th this week as nobody invited him for a BBQ. He wanted to let them know they were rude.
His sermon was very much about July 4th. Still, as some members said, 'It wasn't last week. When July 4th didn't happen yet... The rabbi spoke about July 4th at the wrong time. The weekend is before July 4th, not after. You have to prepare for the BBQ.'
Nobody got mad at the rabbi for forgetting to announce Shiva Asar BTzamuz. Even though they forgot to fast, they didn't seem to mind not remembering the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. We didn't even get a Minyin for the fast that leads up to Tisha BAv. It was a nice day out though. Most of the congregants BBQed.

They brought tents to glamping. Fools. If they knew that they provide housing for glamping. Once they noticed housing was provided, some of the parents wanted to make the kids feel like they were camping, so they brought tents to stay in outside the huts.
I'm never going glamping again with members of our shul. They were complaining that there were bugs outside of their glamps. They called them yurts. It's a glamp.
Everybody loved the Walmart glamping trip. The first two nights were spent in a Walmart parking lot. The third night we had to go to the glamps. We had to get out of the parking lot once we heard over the loudspeakers, 'Jewish people can't camp in our parking lot. We don't allow people to Daven in Minyin form for more than two days. If you're not tailgating, please go camping.'

Everybody is a critic. This is the first time I have ever heard people complain that they were getting out of shul too early. There is something very wrong with this shul. Rabbi had to step in 'You guys are fools... Then do the Karbanot at home.'
Communally attacking the guy for doing what he was told. He was told to lead. He was told to not drag it out. Then Barry goes off on him. Barry always finds a reason to complain.
'Pinchas would've Davened fast.' Just another one of the beautiful messages from our rabbi. Pinchas cared about the Jewish people. He would've never led Tefillah like Shmuli.
The rabbi is very correct about the slow tunes. It's a plague. Somebody should stab any Baal Tefillah who slows down Davening. They would be a loved one of H'.

They all love to complain. But no effort. All lazy. They want the Kavod but they don't want to help. Kiddish falls on the rabbi. A bunch of Korachs in the shul. They swallow up the Kiddish.
The rabbi initiated the shul workout to get some help with setting up the tables. He thinks that if they have more energy they'll help. He didn't take into account Bernie, Max, Sadie, Raschel, and the rest of the congregants. Hopefully they'll at least get in shape to move faster for their Aliyahs. The shul workout consists of pacing in the back to bother people trying to concentrate, which many members already do, and Hagba lifts. The rabbi is working on a HIIT daily workout for the congregants he is calling the Kaddish. This is where they have to stand each time Kaddish is said, and then they have to sit back down when it's finished.

Our congregation has no idea what to worry about. Tzelafchad's daughters is still a big topic. Can't find their kids in the shul basement and they're worried about Tzelafchad's girls getting land in Israel. We have a leak in the shul. People have no idea when the 17th of Tamuz is. But they're worried about Tzelafchad's daughters.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.

I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful.
Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor.

What We Give Them is Wrong
It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots.
No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice.
One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika.
It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules.

I Didn't Know What It Was
I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots.

Give Real Food
I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children.

It's a Setup
And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.'
And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong.

This isn't Charity
If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice.
Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there.

Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can
One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home?

Ways to Practice Charity
If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake.
The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time.
Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots.

All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can.
​Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup.

Announcements
No bothering mechanics at Minyin. They come to Daven. You also can't bother veterinarians, even though they are a type of a doctor.
Rule: No bothering professionals. We need a Minyin.
 
These Members do not have to bow Modim: Phil, Bert, Sim, every Max in the Shul, all Marvins, Bernie, Ruchela who nobody sits next to, Bill, Sid, Brad, Baruch, Shlomo, Pinny. Every time you bend you rip one.
 
The shul has received New Seforim. We don't expect anybody to use them. It just looks decent to have some Seforim in a shul.
We will have the Seforim display in the Beit Midrash which has not been used for the past ten years.
 
Kids are in camp. We want to note how happy the parents are. We have not seen smiles like this in the congregation since last summer.
Due to the happiness of not seeing your children, the shul is starting a boarding school. 'What's great about this?' You ask. You don't have to see your kids.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 19:20) 'A person who becomes Tamei (contaminated) and doesn't purify himself, that person shall be cut off from the the midst of the congregation.' Why we allow for this Minyin in our shul to take place is beyond me... It's a job...
You can be impure. Most of our congregants are... You have to go through the process of purification to be let back into the people. When you have a kitchen like Mrs. Fineglass, you can't eat in the thing... It's disgusting. It needs gentrification...
Mikvah. You got to a Mikvah.

We need to let go of some of the members
Who should be cut off from our shul? The Feinwitz family for just being Tamei. Always filthy. You thought the kids came in last week with a tan. They haven't showered in...
These kids in camp, disgusting. They come home, you have to spray them with something. If there isn't a purification process after collecting two hundred salamanders...
Bert. You have to be cut off Bert... People can't Daven. Every time you bend you let one go. It's disgusting. And then you lick your fingers. Chaching all over the pages. You've contaminated every Siddur in this shul. Turning the pages...
Phil, Bernie, all Maxes... No bending. No bowing... Even for Aleinu. Your bowing is forbidden. Asur. It should be Asur to pass your area with the Torah. The way it smells from your bending and sitting.
Finelwitzs don't learn Torah. No Seforim in their home. Tamei (impure)...
Contaminated. We are a holy nation and you constantly screw up. This congregation... And then you complain.

Again, they complain about not having food. 'Let us die.' After spending time in the Fineglass kitchen, you complain. I get it. They can't cook.
Complaining about the kids is fine... Yes. Very annoying. It is such a Simcha to not see them... I love camp too... The boarding school idea is for the kids. To get them away from us. It's a start. A start on the path of Tahor... At least we don't have to see these salamander dirt tans.

Sometimes you get me so mad, I want to hit a rock... Maybe not a rock. Maybe just one of the congregants.
The complaints... Everything you do is wrong. I can't even look up while I Daven. I see the congregation, I want to hit something... That's why I bang the table real hard for YaAleh vYavo. I'm getting out my anger for having to see Bernie...

Yeah. It's bothersome when somebody comes to shul to pray and you ask for Tzedaka. Every member in this shul is a charity... Yes. Asking a mechanic to fix your car and to pick up the lid to look at it, at shul, is Tzedaka... He took the mechanic to the car in the shul's parking lot... He opened the hood. He brought motor oil to shul...
Now, they're using guys in shul as their car experts. I thought people just used doctors in shul. Now they're bothering mechanics. Soon, nobody will want to come to shul. Next thing they're going to start bothering arborists... You can't bother arborists either. You also can't bother nursery school teachers. On the weekends, you clean your own kids.

You have contaminated the congregation. It's the complaints. Nothing holy... Holy is not the back left section of the shul.

Even Bilam understood that you listen to Gd.
As H' said to Bilam after Bilam was coerced to go with Balak's people to curse the Jews (22:20) '...only the thing I shall speak to you, that shall you do.'
The way you got me to come here to be your rabbi... Coercion... The salary is coercion. It was a good salary...

How do you purify? You listen to H'. Is it that hard??!!! Every Shabbis I have to give the same message to... Yes. You're impure. This is an impure congregation.

Seforim are good in a house. That's what H' wants. Did you listen to Him?!
Open up a Sefer... Are you Jewish?!
Was that Bilam's curse? That we would have homes like the Finkelwitzs? With no Seforim. Bert bending is a curse...
That the congregation should not smell disgusting. That's what H' wants... Then do half a bend for Aleinu.
Kids who go to camp should shower. Listen to H'... At least it's what the congregation wants. The kids are disgusting.

I really want to hit something right now...

Rivka's Rundwon
I am happy the rabbi didn't get violent and take it out on the granet.
Some people were shocked that the rabbi considered his work as a rabbi a job. They thought he likes fielding questions about what to do with kids for the summer and where to vacation. In his weekly class on things that bother him about the shul, the rabbi made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about galamping anymore.

Once the rabbi said you can't bother professionals in shul, only five people showed up the next day. Three doctors, a gardener who likes to get paid for her work and the mechanic.
You can't be a professional in the shul. They even asked the grocer for fruit. It's his job. They come to shul to score free mangos. I understood when people showed up to save money on doctors visits. But this has gone too far.
And then the grocer disected the mango. The guy thought he was a doctor.

I walk into these homes, don't even know if they're Jewish. They told me they have their Seforim on a computer. The computer didn't look like it was handed down from Moshe at Sinai. It looked like a computer with files.
If there was a Torah computer I would understand. If the computer was maroon or navy, or brown, with gold trimming, I would think it was Jewish computer. It would feel like a Jewish home.

The rabbi truly didn't go into the purification process. He just went off on the people and let them know H' doesn't love them.
I believe the rabbi just doesn't like the Feinwitz family.
Mrs. Fineglass is gentirfying her kitchen. That's how disheveled it is. I've realized there are a lot of Fines in our shul. Diffirent ittirations of Fine. I wonder if the different ittirations are relate.

This week, the rabbi build a Mikvah in the shul. On the Mikvah, he put a sign, 'Members of Beis Haknessess Beis Emes USefillah please shower and don't be disgusting. You are not pure.'

The rabbi forbade bowing. I love my rabbi. Each one of these members farts every time. Even the thrity year old men fart. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe a fart. I am happy I'm in the ladies section. That smell has to be an impurity.
And the turning pages phlegm is disgusting. That with the Aleinu spits. I don't know how that's holy.

The rabbi and announcements forgot July 4th. People blamed themselves not leaving town for the weekend on the rabbi.
A lot of anger. Uproar took place around town. 'How dare you not mention July 4th in the sermon?!!!' Some people decided to burn a picture of the rabbi in protest.
The rabbi had a July 4th community BBQ at his house, that was planned months ago. That still didn't make up for not focusing on July 4th in the sermon. To quote, 'It's America, you talk about July 4th on the first of July.'

This is the what I remember from last week...

OK. Next week we will discuss Gittin Daf 47-53