Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat.
Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions.
 
Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin.
 
Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection.
 
The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats.
And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move...

(Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul...
Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel...

Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment...

Unlike Yirto, you make no sense.
Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too.
Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it...
Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul...

You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys.
You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues.
Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you.

As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism.
Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day...

Who depends on school for education?! Exactly!
Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced...
The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic.
Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi...

(Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.”
Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom...
In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president.

And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music...
You listened to me?! Now please, go.

Rivka's Rundown
And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run.

The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique.

The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin.

The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more.

The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace.

Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay.

The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd.

I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot.

Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach.

At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met.
Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet.

The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation.

The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining.

Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program.

Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month.
 
We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs.
 
Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke.
As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain...
It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash.

Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others.
He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting.
You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done...

If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution...

Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait.
I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace.
Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned.

You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned...

So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan...
Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too.
Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time...

Davening is part of Gd's plan.
And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul...
PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again.

Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan.
Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut...
Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership.

Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall.
It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews...
Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro...

Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape...
Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers

Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that...
When you know H's plan you have Shalom...

Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them.
Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying...
Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right...

Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening...

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long.

How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it.

The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi.
It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana.

Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash."

They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong.

All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah.
Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration.

What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week???
It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing.
You can't have peace when you're that scared.

All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army.

The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable.
They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too.

Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts.

Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill.

We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it.

Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders.
When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights.

And there was a fight between their herdsmen.
What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation.

Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish.

Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul.

So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board...

Again, Lot ends up not doing well...
Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht.

Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west...
You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either...
Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too.

If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation...

Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?...

It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes.
We're going to start charging shul taxes.

We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo...
It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo.
There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...'
We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’
Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card...
We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul.

If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi.

Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one...

May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel.
She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts.
I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message.

You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you.

The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul.

The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care.
The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out.
People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it.

They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk.
The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth.

The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes.
School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money.
The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy.
Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it.

The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit.
He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.'
It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it.

The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

I can't do it. Trusting me with your kids is not responsible. No idea how parents do it. I respect all of you Frum parents out there raising all those kids, even past nursery school.
I had to watch over the kids for a day and I gave up on them by 3pm. Somehow they made it from three to when their parents got home at 8pm. I don't know how they did it. I was tired and I fell asleep.
Here is what I learned about kids.

I Need Sleep
I got sleep. A full night's sleep. I just needed more. It was ten minutes into watching the kids where I said, 'Whew. I'm tired. Watch over yourselves.'
Now I know why parents are always on edge. It's the extra fourteen hours of sleep needed daily to watch over kids.

Very Dirty - They're Very Dirty
Two hours into watching them, I already had to put up a load of laundry. The amount of dirt is something I have never seen before. Grownups have to be coming out of a coal mine to create that kind of dirt.
If I was to ever explain the job of a parent, as I understand it, it's to do at least four loads of laundry a day.

Dirt Everywhere
Got to follow the kids around with a Dustbuster. Dustbusting and Swiffing all day. I had the Swiffer in my hand two feet behind. Swiffing side to side right behind them. I couldn't keep up with the shmutz. They can be walking with nothing, and they still create dirt. Their like walking dust balls.
There's nothing that doesn't end up on the floor. They touch it, it's on the floor. Not one of my nephews looks down. They just drop and go. No thought. No care for their uncle having to bend.
I asked them if they knew where the garbage was. They have no idea what a trashcan is. I educated them about the idea of putting garbage in the garbage. That took a while to explain. I then showed them where it was. Now, they make it a point to stay away from it.

They Drop Stuff on Purpose
They do it on purpose. Dropping anything they can. Popcorn. Toys. Toothpaste. 'The uncle will clean it.' Gushers wrappers. 'Drop it.' Middle of lawn. 'Uncle D will find it when he's mowing.' Maybe it's a recycling thing that they're teaching these kids at nursery. That garbage makes landfills education. Maybe they think the living room floor is a compost. That's my problem with this new education.
The little five month old is in on this too. Throwing stuff. She gets a kick out of seeing me work. Peanut butter puffs, 'I'll just drop that there... Look at him pick it up. The loser... Let's do that again. Cry. Get a puff and drop it... The fool is picking it up again.'
Do you know how demeaning it is when a five month old is mocking you.

Nothing Is Worse Than Lego
One day and I already injured my foot. Lego!!! They drop those too.
Tonka trucks can cause you to stub a toe, but nothing hurts more than stepping on Lego. I would go on, but that rhymes. I use lowercase in LEGO, because I buy that stuff at the Dollar Tree. I don't think the buck twenty five pack is original LEGO.
Parents should boycott LEGO. If it was made in Israel I might be able to get some traction on this.

Now I know why parents are always tired and injured.
I respect and appreciate all you parents who can pull this for a whole childhood. I would've given up on the kids at five in the afternoon. And even greater respect for those parents who have their kids at home for the summer. Summer is tough when the kids are at home. You should be blessed to make enough money to send your kids to camp, so you don’t have to see them. Hopefully, H' will answer your  prayers and you won't have to see your kids.
I hope this empathy from an uncle who spent six hours with kids gives you Chizuk. I'm going to head back to sleep. It's 8:15 and the parents are putting the kids to bed. Thank Gd I don't have to do that. I definitely don't have the energy to say Shema with these little guys.

My family is in America. I miss them. Oh. How I love thee, and thine money you send to pay for my livingith in thy Holy Land.
Israel is the family of my nation. The care and love of my national family is apparent. That familial care of a nation has shown this past year. The way we care and watch out for each other. It is unparalleled. Hence, I odeth thee with what I have merited to witness of thine glory.

The family of Israel cares. The care has not shown more than in this past year, where the whole country came together to complain about the price of flights.
Oh. How I love thee and thy financial understanding of supply and demand.

The care extends. Israelis are the first to help in crisis. The care for all life, willing to travel to first aid the citizens of the world. If things are bad, Israelis will be there. This is why they get blamed. They're always at the catastrophe.
Oh. How I love thee and how thy goesth to far off lands to stop flooding and saveth the lives of anti-Semites. Thy goesth to help, doing Mitzvahs, knowing thy willst be blamed for the deluge. How Jews start floods is another one of Gd's great miracles.

The people of Israel don’t say 'excuse me.' They care too much. There is too much love. Pushing and bumping is our Middle Eastern way getting close to one another. It's our national way of hugging.
Packed at the Kotel, we push. We even hold each other up by knocking into one another. It is how we celebrate what is known as Chagim. The holidays, where we come together as one by bumping a Jew you never met. In essence, a hug.
Oh. How I love thee and thine bumping into myselfith. Others considereth thee rude when they are hit, in their lacketh of knowledge of thine culture. A culture of warmth.

Israeli society is replete with statements of advice. When there is a bad day, somebody will say, 'Some days are honey, some are onions.' The way food is used to help one understand life is unparalleled.
Oh. How I love thee and thine knowledge of the spiritual application of vegetation.

My car wasn’t working, a guy passed me and said, 'Shower and drink coffee.' He didn’t fix my car, nor did he help me push it. Nonetheless, afterwards, I felt clean and more awake, allowing me to be more aware of how bad my engine problem was.
Oh. How I love thee and thine understanding of what it takes to driveth a car, awake and clean. Oh. How I remembereth that car I left in the street. The Ford Escort that was towed and never salvaged. As I abandoned thee and went to shower and drink coffee.

Why the beeping? Because Israelis care. I was stopped at a traffic light. They wanted to make sure I did not fall asleep.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ensuring of my preparedness for a green light.

Israel is one big family. Nowhere else in the world do strangers feel comfortable enough to criticize me to my face. Most citizens of other countries hesitate to tell me how ugly my sweater is. 
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to tell me I am not good. You maketh me feel like I am at home. Without family, no one elseth will telleth me of how not successful I am.

Israel is family. Israel is a home for all Jews. We even accept immigrants from America, who tell us how we should live our lives in Israel; more like Americans. Any other country would kick Americans out for being annoying. But we are family.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine family of Israel. Oh. How I relish the shared love of food, going to the grocery store, sitting in the produce section and eating with my brethren. We may have gotteneth kickedeth out, but we have sharedeth in thine national family experience of not paying for groceries.

Author's Note: I feel that odes are more meaningful written in Biblical English. It is more prayerful.

Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils.
 
Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.'
 
We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel.
 
Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares.
 
Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise...

(Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out.
Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?...

We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie.
Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’
I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen...

(Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues.
It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours...

This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went.
It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer.

You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul.
Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up...
Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had.
You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days.

You are ruining the shul community.
Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves.

The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel...
If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots...
Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion…

Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this...

We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews.
Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious.

Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants.

The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community.
They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.'

The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm.
Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.'
The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people.
The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.'
It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him.

This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to.

Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run.
These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up.

Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’

A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem.

I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages.

When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi.

After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp.
Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning.

I just started learning about Kibud Av vEim, honoring my parents, and I've messed up already. It's about to be Father's Day and I'm in Israel. Now what do I do?

​I Have Tried to Show Respect
I recently became more religious and told my parents I have to move to Israel, and they have to pay for me to live in Israel, because that's what my rabbi told me. Then, I told them that I can't eat their food anymore. I did this for my parents. I didn't want them to get an Aveirah. I didn't want them to sin. I believe I said that with respect. 'Mom. I can't eat your food anymore. I love your lasagna and quiches. I just don't want your food to land me in Gehenim.'
Last time I went home, I told my parents they can't watch TV on Shabbat. I am trying to make them better Jews, but they still insist on calling me Brian. I told them to never call me that again, or my Hebrew name, lest they say Gd's name in vain. And I did all of that in the name of the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim.
My parents told me they didn't like this new concept of Kibud Av vEim. But I insisted I have to honor them. So, they told me the best way to honor them was to not be annoying and to leave. It turns out they don't like the name Mikakel. And they said that Kaleekaku sounds wrong.
All said and done, this Father's Day I was stuck trying to figure out what to do.

My Dad is in America
I left home to go to Yeshiva in Israel. My parents appreciated that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. They had an extra room in the house to use for what they wanted. I gave them that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. So, they got a hammock put it in my room and threw out all my stuff. They expressed how appreciative they were of me leaving the house by also telling me that I won't have a place to stay when I visit. I feel like I showed a great amount of Kibud Av vEim by bringing them such great joy. I believe that when I stay at the hotel on my next visit, it will give them more room to relax and read on Shabbat. It will also give my mom extra time to make the oven Kosher for me. I think the Mitzvah is bringing our family closer.
I called my parents to say I wanted to visit for Father's Day. My father insisted I don't and said I brought him so much more Nachis from Israel. He didn't consider him having to pay for my flight from Israel to be a Father's Day gift.

What should I get my dad?
Give dad money. After much thought I realized dad doesn't want me thinking about what he needs. He just needs money for a new drill bit.
The problem is that I get my money from my Abba. My rabbi told me it's OK for my dad to pay for me while I'm learning Torah. I told my dad that this will ensure him a place in heaven. It turns out that my dad doesn't care about heaven very much. Right now he just wants some money. He is more worried about paying the mortgage in Frankville, AR.
I took all his money from him when I was a child. I was a good athlete and that is expensive. Which is why he gives me a look. It's a cynical angry look of love. When I see him, I don't know if he wants to shoot me or hug me. My friends in Yeshiva tell me all of their dads give them the same look. It means they love you. If your dad paid for your day school education, that is why he gives you that look.
After much thought and Torah, I decided I should give my dad a call. He pays for that bill too.
I called my dad. I let my dad know how much I love him and made things awkward between the two of us. There was 'love' and then silence. Love kind of made that relationship uncomfortable. 

Where Can I Find a Dad?
I realized I didn't have a dad in Israel. I wanted to show immediate joy to a father on this Father's Day.
I went to the stores. Tried to find a dad. I went to Fox. Dads don't shop at Fox. The shirts come too tight. I went to Shmulik's Hardware and Chumus. I went to Melech HaFalafel. They do not sell dads.
One shopkeeper was quite bothered by my idea of selling dads and insisted slavery was wrong and that the Torah never spoke of selling dads.
It was then that I realized you can't purchase or adopt dads. You can only adopt kids. I was stuck with mine. I told my dad I would write him a letter for Father's Day and he asked, 'Am I going to have to pay for that too?'

Follow Up Notes
I hope me and my dad can work through the love the next time I visit. It was a hard one. The statement 'I love you' is a very uncomfortable situation to work through. I hope we can overcome that.
My rabbi later taught me that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah. Honoring your father is a Mitzvah, and that must be done every day. I started calling my dad all the time. He didn't like that.
My rabbi then taught me that I have to honor him as well. This honor thing is getting to be a bit much. My father can't afford it.
I just saw an Israeli man in a really tight shirt. It was a bothersome moment for which I feel I must do Teshuva. Some Israeli men do shop at Fox. It was almost as bad as my first visit to the beach in Netanya. A horrific sight I went to the Mikveh for. I am still asking H' for forgiveness. No matter how religious I grow to become, I will never go to an all-male beach again. 

Lesson
Love your dad no matter how far away you are. Not having to pay for you to visit will make them happy.
Honor your father. Honor the one that gives you life. There is no substitute. You can't pick up a dad. These men don't want to have to pay for more people. You can't buy a dad. That's not a good use of money and they might lock you up for that.
The guilt I feel for not fulfilling this Mitzvah on Father's Day, though it's not a special Mitzvah is enormous. So much guilt. I believe that is the lesson of Father's and Mother's Day. Feel bad. Feel like you didn't do enough. I truly pray my father is able to put aside enough money for me to fulfill Kibud Av vEim the right way next Father's Day.

Mother's Day is a beautiful day to celebrate our Jewish matriarchs. Let us praise these Eishet Chayils with talking a bit about the Jewish mother we all love.

Jewish mom makes your favorite dish. Every Jewish Mom has a special dish that nobody else has ever had. It's called Tzimis. Whatever is in that thing, you love it and one day you will find out that nobody else knows what it is.

Every Jewish mother makes the best food. How every Jewish mother is the best cook is an anomaly. Even if other people hate the spinach gravy apple tart rolls with date juice, your mom makes it. And that's the family's dish. Special to your family, because nobody else would ever think about making that concoction.

Jewish mom scoops your food for you. She feeds you into your forties.
A good Jewish mom doesn't take the chance at you deciding what you want to eat. If you decide what your portions should be, you might eat less. That's not acceptable. You might even say no to spinach gravy apple tart rolls.
You’re a growing forty-year-old who needs nutrients. You’re her shnukums. And your wife is getting very annoyed.

Jewish mom is honest about you putting on weight. And you are always putting on weight. She will scoop your food, ensure your plate is full and then tell you that you have to watch yourself. She'll tell you you're fat, while forcing more food on you. And then she’ll be offended if you don’t eat it.

Jewish mom knows you're the best, because you're her child. And that's all that matters till you meet the other kids in the class. Being the best doesn't help when you lose at everything. Getting whacked by a rubber dodgeball does not reinforce this feeling of being the best.
The fact that she thinks you're the best, even when you're not still makes you feel good. Because you're her shnukums. Asthma may hurt your chance at making the pros. However, Mom knows you're still the best athlete. And she will acknowledge that by hugging you and making you fatter.

Jewish mom will make you self-conscious, because she loves you. From the first day she yelled 'watch out,' you will always be aware that stairs can be dangerous when walking up them.
Thanks to your Jewish mother, you will always be aware of danger. You will watch out for sun because it's bright. You will watch out for chicken because it has bones. And you will drive your Honda with a twitch to something in your head going, 'Shnukums. Watch out. There are cars. Cars are dangerous.'

Jewish mom buys you stuff to make sure you wear it, and to get offended when you don't. 'It's June' is not an excuse to not being wearing the sweater mom bought you for Chanukah.

Jewish mom dresses modestly. And then she tells you the clothes she bought you are hip. Saying something is hip, by definition means it's not. It means it might look good on somebody who is over eighty-five.

Jewish mom expects you to call, and calls you to let you know she's expecting the call. She tells you this to let you know you're going to let her down somehow. If it's not for the sweater with a dreidel on it, or the fact that you eat way too little to be a three-hundred-pound athlete who is the best at dodgeball, your not calling enough will let her down. 'Enough' is the amount you will never call.

Jewish mom wants you to get married and will make you feel bad about it. She still can't figure out why other women find it hard to be attracted to her shnukums. And she calls you her shnukums. I believe ‘shnukums’ is Yiddish.
She cares. Which means you're going to be contacted by a friend of mom's who turned into a matchmaker once your mom shared how pathetic you are. She told he friend that she can't figure out why no girl wants to be with the best son, her shnukums. And her friend understood you're a loser.

Jewish mom will tell you you're a man. She will pinch your cheeks and tell you you're a man. Because you're her shnukums.
With all this belief in you as a man, with all the love, she will never trust you with a wrench. You’re the best, but you do not have abilities as a man to use a tool. You come from your father, who has been beaten down.

She says Tehillim all the time. She constantly prays, especially for her children, so that they will someday not let her down. She prays her children might pick up a phone and call. She prays her son will take off weight and eat more.

And it is all because she loves you. You're hers. And you are the best shnukums.
No matter how old you are, when you're with your Jewish mother you feel a warmth. You feel at home. You feel like the greatest athlete in the world, and the smartest kid who ever had a 'C' average in elementary school. And that was the teachers' fault. All of them. You’re the best and you’re her favorite child. You and your eight siblings are her favorite child.
We need a Jewish Mother's Day, a special day for our special moms, to give the Jewish mom another chance to call and let you know she's expecting a call, so you can surprise her and let her down.

When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.

You're Introduced to the Family
He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.'

His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates
He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that.

He Introduces You to His Brother
Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?!

You're His Plus One
The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage.
If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over.

He Yells at You
That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel.
Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing.

He Stops Getting the Car Door for You
He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date.

He Says He Loves Your Cooking
You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it.

He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza
Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship.

He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn
When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work.

He Posts a Picture of the Two of You
He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care.

A Lollipop on Shabbis
That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works.

He Starts Asking You for Stuff
He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job.

There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes
And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi.

What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes. 
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does.

Taking the Kids Out to Eat
That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself.

Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School
Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit.

A Good Look of Guilt
You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong.  That is how you make good Jews.
Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish.
No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach.

Don't Hit Your Kids
That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. 

Unconditional Love
Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.'

Teach the Kids to Swim
It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC.
There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player.

Take them to The Mountains
It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. 
If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews.

Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home.
If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do.

Another variant of COVID hit the world, and some states are back with mask mandates. China has locked up thirteen million people. Home seclusion can happen. It's scary. The prospect of another quarantine is scary. What is even scarier is the thought of having to spend so much time with the family, again.
You need to be prepared, just in case the family is stuck together. I am going to help you with some Jewish family activities, just in case you need to spend time with the kids. Just thinking about that is painful.
As the saying goes, let's make the pandemic Jewish. I might have heard that from one of the local anti-Semites. Nonetheless, it's a beautiful thought. Embrace your families and make this time with the kids holy. Here’s how to make your time at home Jewish. 
 
Arts and Crafts with Your Children
Do Jewish art with the children. Jewish arts and crafts consists of making holiday objects or a Mezuzah. Those are the two options for the season. A still claymation glob on your doorpost, or a slab of wood with some nuts on it.
I understand that you missed Chanukah, but you can still catch Pesach. Make the Seder plate with the children and keep them occupied. Be sure to have them work the chicken and horseradish that is not kosher for Pesach into their art, so you have an excuse to not use it on Pesach. You never want to show your child's art. That lack of talent is embarrassing to the family.

Bake a Challah
Baking Challah is a beautiful Jewish family tradition. It gets the kids involved, and it gives you chance to yell at them. You're going to get mad. It might as well be for them not kneading fast enough.
If the grocery stops selling flour, for whatever quarantine reason, blame that on the kids. Yelling is an important Jewish experience, as it brings back memories of preparing for the holidays.
 
Family Pictures
Use the time to connect with the past. This is a good time to connect your children with family history. Show the kids the pictures of your childhood. That is educational. The grainy pictures are best. Allow your kids to see what the world looked like before HD.
Show them pictures of religious grandparents. Even if it’s not their grandparents, as long as it’s a European looking family, that’s good enough. All old pictures from Eastern Europe look like they're of religious people.
The pictures should be educational. Remember, you have to be prepared to run a school in your house. The day school is not going to refund any of the $22,000 you spent. 
 
Encourage Your Children to Go Online
You’re not going to keep the kids away from the TV and computer for more than a day. You'll give the speech about family time, but after five hours of being together, family time is done for the month. Caring about family for more than five hours is painful. Nobody has that kind of stamina for showing love. Give the children your phone and let them have the screen. There's only so much crying you can deal with.
Don't try to keep your kids off the websites. They're going to see the shmutz during class. The day school’s video conference classes program will have them online regularly, browsing the internet and binge watching. Watching The Lord of The Rings looks like you're engaged on the webcam. A decent series is the only way your child will do well in class.
Don't think your kids won't ignore you. Your child is now internet savvy and doesn’t need your help until dinner.
 
Spring Cleaning
It may be winter where you are. Even so, it's never too early get your kids to help around the house and do some spring cleaning. Turn being stuck in the house to something positive. Finally, you can paint the family room. You will have time to clean for Pesach. Passover cleaning will be done and the house will be clean as the hotel you stayed at three Pesachs ago.
Tell the children it’s a Mitzvah. Telling them they’re cleaning for Passover and it’s a commandment is the best way to get them involved in spring cleaning. Tell them that they have to get rid of Chametz, and that includes raking the leaves still in the yard.
My parents used to tell me there was Chametz on the windows. That's how they got those panes squeaky clean.
 
Constantly Check If Your Kid is Sick
They quarantined everybody for safety, so use it for the Mitzvah of Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life. As part of their Jewish education, let the kids know that it's a Mitzvah to skip school.
Educate by example. As a parent, it's good to spend your time with the back of your hand on their foreheads. When you see them sit, have your hand there. When they go to sleep, when they eat, when they clean, when they’re online with their virtual class, have the back of your hand there. If you don’t worry for them, who will. There's a reason that any good Jewish mother will ensure their little athlete is not going to dehydrate when they're playing soccer. 
 
Eat A Lot
The gyms are back to making you wear a mask. Science shows that people have a problem working out when they can't breath. You’re not going to work out. You're going to put on weight, which makes this is a holiday. Celebrate. How do we celebrate when we can’t go to the gym? We eat.
Good Jews eat. We eat and we give the food a Yiddish sounding name, and we don’t go to the gym. Getting heavy is part of the Jewish tradition, and how we celebrate every holiday. This is your chance to repent and put on some weight. 
Eat with the family and become better Jews together.
 
Watch a Jewish Movie
That means anything with a Jew in it. This means no foreign films.
 
Perfect Chance to Watch Shtisel as a Family
When you get into the family fights, put on Shtisel and your kids will appreciate being part of your family.
By foreign films, we mean anything that is not American or Israeli.
 
If they quarantine you again, make it a great time to be at home. Make it family time. Celebrate the children. Years from now, your family will remember all the time spent together, huddled in the home. And you will say, ‘Thank Gd there is a vaccine.’
And do not ask your kids if they got vaccinated. You don't want to have to kick them out of the house.