Announcements
The Shabbat youth group weekend is happening again next week. Last time was a great success. Five teenagers showed and there were no issues in the shul. We are hoping for fewer teens this time.
 
Shabbis groups for the kids are now starting at 9am, when we start shul. The idea is to not have to see the kids in shul.
 
Please support the day school in their fundraiser. The kid needs it. We have seen what a lack of Jewish education has done to Michael.
 
Class on how gambling is idol worship will take place next Tuesday.
The rabbi doesn't support gambling. Yet, he's made it clear that it would be impossible for membership to give less money than they give right now. So, he is not worried about anybody losing money. A class on how to gamble right will follow, so that some of you might pay dues.
 
The bakery is back up and men in the back left section have put on weight.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
 
Support kids month… Sending them to the Jewish day school and paying tuition is not enough. I would like to get a new stereo system for my car…
 
(Shemot 10:1) 'H' tells Moshe, 'Go to Paroh for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants.' Why H' hardened the heart of board, I don't know. They're a Paroh to the shul. Like locusts in the chapel...
I've tried leaving, but they tell me I will not get paid... It's with these signs, the plagues, that the people can leave. But Paroh doesn't let everybody leave... The plague of the president and the sisterhood. They are always around. Covering the shul...
(10:8) Paroh asks who is going to go with them to serve H.' Paroh doesn't understand that you can never get away from the family. They follow you everywhere. Even worse, the congregants. They follow you everywhere... Paroh is thinking a holiday is celebrated away from the family. That's when you can have a good time. He doesn't understand Jewish life.
(10:9) Moshe tells Paroh that everybody is going for it is a Chag. We are all part of this congregation when it comes to celebrating... We have not had a Bar Mitzvah in while... Nobody wants to sponsor a Kiddish.. Not just the annoying people who have a hardened heart… A cheap heart. This congregation has a cheap, won't spend fifteen dollars on a babka heart... The bakery is open. Support them. We've had enough packaged babka. It's time to get the fresh babka back... Even if it costs an extra thirteen dollars...
It wasn't a shul picnic. The holidays is when everybody joins. We should leave the family out of the shul BBQs... When everybody goes on that it is very annoying. You can't even get a burger... The shul ski trip is even worse. We lost eight kids on that. You don't take kids with you to lose them...
 
The whole congregation includes the youth. But they go to groups. They went out with us too... They definitely had youth groups. You don't want them around... You can't leave them.
Teenagers don't come to shul. They sleep... I don't know if they left Egypt with everybody. I think they tried leaving them behind... They would've been complaining the whole trip... 'It says 'children and elders... women...' It leaves out teenagers.
Have you ever tried having a peaceful holiday with teenagers??? There is a reason for youth groups.
The best youth weekend we had was when no youth came. Rachel was the happiest I have ever seen as the head of the sisterhood...
Shabbis groups for the kids is different... The idea is to take the little ones to shul and to keep them away from the congregation. Drop them off away from the shul, in a room on the other side... They come because it is dangerous to leave them at home alone...

The pasuk continues, (Shemot 10:1) H' hardens their hearts so His signs can be seen in their midst... I just hope you can see H's signs in this congregation. Signs of what not to do. How not to treat a rabbi.
There is no Kiddish... H' with the board

Being scared is worshiping idols. Seeing H' and His signs are worshiping H'... ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight’… I did not come up with that ad.
 
We can celebrate with a good Kiddish finally. The bakery is good for Pareve cakes… No butter. It’s not easy... Yet. You choose to not see H's signs and you harden your own heart. You worship your being bad congregants...
You and your hardened hearts. And I still get across the message that you do everything wrong. Manifesting H' even with your teenagers and disappointing Enetenmann's Kiddishes, worshiping packaged cakes...

Why did H' have Moshe and Aharon speak to Paroh when his heart was hardened? It would've been easier to talk to Paroh when he was willing to listen. Catch Paroh at a time where he wasn't contrary. But that is how H' is manifest. When we push through hardness... This is why I give sermons to you. I have not met a not hardened heart in this shul. A congregation of hardened hearts.
I know H' is in our midst when I see all the angry faces in the women's section...
If there were decent baked goods for Kiddish, you wouldn't be so angry. You would have softer hearts. Hearts like a good sponge cake...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi said that if H' gave Paroh the plague of the board and the sisterhood he would've let the Jews go right away.
 
Nobody wants teens in shul.
Some of the little kids still come into the shul. They cling to their parents. The only way to get them out of the shul is to give them more candy. They don't have enough candy at Shabbis groups.
The youth director is about to quit. She can't stand that the parents throw all their issues on her. She calls the kids 'issues.'
If you have candy, these kids will do whatever you want. They’ll jump. They’ll even sit. Lollypops are like kiddie biscuits.She doesn't get it. If she gave the kids more sweets they would relax. The more sugar you give kids the less they run around, and the more they listen.

The shul is too focused on kids now. It was decided to make July kids month, so that the parents can be encouraged to send them to camp and we don't have to see them.
The fight for kids month went on for a while, as many contended 'their plight must be heard.' Most parents didn't agree with that, as they wanted to get sleep. Some people wanted to cancel kids month altogether, but we couldn't do that. Even if the kids are racist, we can't cancel them.
I am just sick of giving money to the kids. What is their plight anyways? More recess. I think we have to take the message from the Parsha and ask why the little kids are here when it's not a holiday?
 
A bunch of idol worshipers came to shul because of the email ad. The ad, ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight,’ did draw people's attention. Yet, it did not have the right message for the non-heathens.
 
The rabbi didn’t say anything about better parenting. He has given up on that. He realizes he’ll get money from the parents before expecting them to be decent people.
 
I get my pastry at the supermarket. It’s a twelfth of the price. I don’t need fresh cake when I am saving up for a decent vacation.
And the supermarket babka is much better a week later. It's the kind of freshness that doesn’t go away for a few months. That’s good fresh. The kind of coagulated sugar freshness. I love those cakes. The problem is they're serving the Entenmann's cakes too soon. They need to serve them closer to the expiration date.
The Melaveh Malka should’ve had bakery babka though. That would've been nice last week. The bakery babka is more Jewish and a Melaveh Malka is Jewish. That's what the rabbi said.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.

Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that.
Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week.
 
There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip.
 
Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more.
We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…
 
(Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape.
The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that...  That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them...
You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah...
Not one member volunteered.

The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran.

I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up…
No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt...

Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time...
Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah...
I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails.
Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish...
 
You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!..
Well. When did you get rid of Israel???
I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish...
 
Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that...
You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse...
A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more...
 
And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel...
 
(Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt.
I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed...
In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath...
 
Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon...
This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing.
The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move.
 
The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work.
There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet.
 
That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much.
 
Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine.
They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place.
I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him.
 
Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore.
The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel.
The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal.
Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin.
 
When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul.
To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’
 
Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids.
Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul.
Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape.

Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him they will be blessed 'by you and your offspring.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
 
Kashrus Alert: If you are going to smoke marijuana make sure it is Pot Yisroel! (Mordechai)
You get it? Pot is pot. It is also bread. People eat Pas Yisrael. Or Pat Yisrael. Here he's talking about cannabis. A religious pot smoker. It's a pun. We're not supporting pot. Please note, we also don't support puns about pot and cookware.

When Yosef visited his brothers, everybody was down in the pits. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The brothers were probably 'down in the pits.' They threw Yosef in the pit. Hearing they threw Yosef in the pit got me down in the pits. Hopefully they didn't have avocados down there. Those have very big pits. Fruit pit. Pit pit. In the pits. Pits in avocados.
 
Paroh was sleeping for two years. As the Torah says, 'MiKeitz Shenataim.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? 'Miketz Shenataim' means at the end of two year. 'Sheina'' means sleep. Use Shenataim for both words. Put it together and you have 'at the end of two years of sleeping.' That's a long nap. And you can use that Shena and Shenataim pun anytime you hear sleep in Hebrew... It's good we have Rashi.

What do Chasidim with a red bekishe sing? 'Jingle Belz.' (Mordechai)
You get it? The Belz Chasidic dynasty. 'Jingle Bells' is the song sung on Christmas. Jews don't sing that. They would sing about Belz. The Chasidim. 'Jingle Belz.' Still a jingle.
 
Mitzrayim fell apart because they were serving bad juice. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz, juice. Ra'im, bad. Bad juice. Bazooka Joe should use that one. It's good, and can help people learn Hebrew. Bazooka Joe has a duty to educate the children.
 
The work the slaves did was nothing close to as labor intensive as Miriam and Yocheved's task. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Work and being told to kill newborn boys. Yocheved and Miriam, Shifrah and Puah the midwives, were told to kill the Jewish babies. Intense. Labor and labor. The pun is in the word labor.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

Announcements
We have heard a lot of complaints about the new windows. To be clear, they're stained glass. They're meant to not be able to used. Not being able to see through them is something the board didn't realize would happen when you stain the glass. Not being able to open them was just a mistake. The contractor stated, 'I thought that since you wanted stained glass, you wanted something not practical.' And that is why the youth lounge has pews in it.
 
We found a Tallis. We are assuming somebody lost it, as it is not wearable. It is a Tallis neck-wrap scarf and we're worried somebody is cold.
 
The shul was broken into. They stole money from the office. Nobody should worry. It was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was just crime. So, everybody should feel comfortable coming to shul.
 
The Sisterhood will have its monthly argument on Wednesday.
 
The class is called off, as the rabbi is sick of teaching you... The rabbi's next series will focus on how to find sources and not bother the rabbi.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom my pupils...
(Shemot 1:8-10) There’s a ‘new king in Egypt that did know Yosef.’ So, they worry about the Jews becoming greater than them and working with their enemies… The same way the board worries about me working with religious people. A bunch of heretics…
 
(Shemot 1:13) And so they made them build storage cities. ‘And the Egyptians enslaved the Children of Israel with hard work.’ BiFarech. With harshness. Grueling labor. That’s how you work me… Well. Listening to your ideas for shul upgrades and new committees is gruelingly painful… The stained glass window subcommittee... Why did you even have that?! No. You don't get stained glass. Every time I listen to your ideas, it's building a storage city... That's how painful you are...
Ever had a boss you hated?! A Mitzri!!!

All because Paroh didn’t know Yosef. If he would’ve known Yosef, he would’ve known of commitment. If he would’ve gotten to know our congregants, Paroh would’ve known of how people weasel out of meetings and paying dues… You haven’t donated a thing for… I see not one plaque...
Yosef was a decent guy. To know Yosef is to love him... I'm telling you. If you knew Yosef, you would never give him work.
 
When things are harsh, you can’t think of anything else… You’re a slave… I’m a slave to the messed up stained glass windows… Is that a blue bird?! It’s a shul. You do a dove. For crying out loud. A dove…
You enslave with harsh work. This job is slave labor...
 
You’re slaves to this guy breaking in… Maybe it’s a woman. There has been enough female chauvinism going on here…
You have nothing. Have Bitachon that nobody will steal your stuff… You have nothing of value… No. You lost your Tallis. That wasn’t stolen... Nobody is going to steal a scarf with tassels on it. Other than your Tallis, what are they stealing?... They don’t know what Tefillin are. How are they going to sell that on the black market.
It was not somebody who hated Jews. The burglar might have been one of our very own... Not paying dues is the same as stealing.

Somebody is not cleaning up... It was lost by your seat, Shlomo. Tallises don’t run. Stop saying your Tallis was stolen... You're wearing it. You misplaced it and blamed the burglar for stealing your Tallis. That's just wrong...
You didn’t even tie it right… The string is all wrapped wrong... It’s in the shape of a scarf. Do you wear it under your coat in the winter?
 
He then commanded them to kill all the newborn Jewish males. Is that what the congregants are planning to do to me...
 
If you don’t know, you worry. What I am trying to say is learn a little Torah... If you learn, you'll know something and you won't start killing babies...
If you can’t see... They are not windows. You can't see through them… Yes. I worry that this shul is more and more messed up. Can’t see. If you can’t see through the window, it’s not a window. It’s a wall… Maybe a door.
You could’ve put up a canvas. It’s just as much of a window as the stained glass… You painted it opaque.
If they were to take a second  out and to get to know them. They wouldn’t have been worried. They would see how good they were. They would've seen the commitment. The giving nature… If you would’ve thought for a second, you wouldn’t have got the stained glass… You would’ve gotten windows that work as windows. You would have not lost your Tallis… Well. You don’t know your Tallis well? Do you? You couldn’t even spot it in the lost and found… There was no other Tallis there. We put all the other Tallises on the rack.
If he knew us, he wouldn’t have broken into the shul. He would’ve asked us kindly for our money, and we would give it.
 
There’s a new president in the shul who doesn’t know me… Then he’s just an idiot…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi has a right to be paranoid. They didn’t given him a raise last year.
 
The rabbi’s point about the windows not being windows is extremely valid.
A lot of debate as to whether the stained glass windows are really windows. The board looked it up, and the Gemara doesn't deal with this topic.
 
It turns out the shul’s lost and found is half full of Michael’s toys. His parents don’t teach him to clean up. The other half is Talli scarves.
Some guys in our shul do the French Tallis wrap around the neck. One guy bought his Tallis to keep warm in the winter. Which is why I always suggest the big shawls.
 
A lot of break-ins in the area, and we can't get a Minyin. The rabbi was thinking about trying to ask the burglar to join as a tenth.
People are truly not worried. Since the guy didn’t write ‘Jews’ anywhere, everybody was relieved. As long as it’s just a crime against people, everybody is happy coming to shul Shabbis morning.
Breaking into cars was wrong. He could’ve just as easily found the keys in the shul over Shabbis. All the men leave their keys there. If he wanted to know, even I can tell him to look behind the books on the fourth shelf. All the keys are there. Behind the books on the modern State of Israel.

I like how the rabbi called half the congregation thieves for not paying dues.
The congregants don't help with anything the shul needs. The rabbi can't get them to come for Davening. Now, anytime somebody comes to shul for a Minyin, the rabbi considers it a break-in.
 
The shul is full of liberal congregants. Without knowing the rabbi's concerns of getting a quorum, they suggested we invite the burglar to Minyin, so they can give him money. The rabbi and congregants finally agree on something. The rabbi wants a Minyin, and the liberal congregants want to consider the burglar a Jew. It works for everybody.
The liberal congregants also want to show the burglar where the Torah is kept.

As I have learned, the rabbi has never been sick. Over the course of his tenure, he has been sick of the congregants. Never had a fever. Just a lot of annoyance. And as the rabbi said, 'There is not one Yosef in this congregation... If Paroh would've gotten to know this congregation, he wouldn't have wasted his time. He would've seen how impossible it is to get anybody to lift a finger and help... He would’ve been happy letting you be. Not having to answer your questions…'

My first time I went out in Israel it was for a drink. Me and a bunch of guys from the Yeshiva went out for a Lchaim. It was a Thursday night and we went for a beer. In Israel, Thursday nights are like Saturday nights, and I like that. It's better to bring a hangover to shul than work.
That first night out might have been a spiritual experience. I don't remember what happened. Though, it was Israel, so it was a holy night out drinking at the bars. I was new to the Yeshiva experience and I was good at it.

Once the High Holidays came, the spiritual experience of partying in Israel changed. Thursday night after Rosh Hashana, my friend Yanky said, 'Let's go out tonight.' So, I went.
You don't argue with Yanky, unless if you want a heated debate. He was a second year guy in the Yeshiva and he already learned how to scream at people when learning Gemara. Yanky was masterful at yelling at his Chavrusa, learning partner, which meant he knew what he was talking about. The more you reproach your Chavrusa, the better learner you are.
Being a Chavrusa to Yanky was an honor that very few had. He was the perfect Chavrusa for learning Gemara Baba Kama. No other Chavrusa had the ability to make you feel like you were being scolded and abused while learning the laws of damages.

We went up north. I thought we were going out. I didn't realize that meant a two hour drive.
Going up north in Israel is a spiritual experience, as roads are windy and not lit, and you're dependent on Gd to not get hit by the falling rock. There was a sign that read 'Falling Rock,' which kind of scared me, as that meant rocks were falling right now. Adding to the spirituality of Israel, I said my first prayer at that moment.
Not fully understanding the excitement of going up north, we ended up at the Rambam's grave-site, and Yanky started to scare me. I thought we were going out to party, and we were now at the graves of Tzadikim (righteous people).
I had no idea what to think. I thought I might've joined a Yeshiva full of hedonists, who have some kind of grave-site rituals. Maybe it was part of the Yeshiva hazing process, where they tell you about righteous rabbis and then leave you in the graveyard to get eaten by ghosts. I was scared.
And then the good times started to role. After the Rambam's Kever, we hit the graves of a few more rabbi's and even a prophet are two. We prayed. We had rugalach. We drank schnapps. And since then, going out has never been the same.

The coolest thing of all. We prayed. We drank and prayed. And I got back to Yeshiva alive. And I was scared to talk to Yanky for a month and a half after that.

Since that night out with Yanky, my life has changed. Now I know what going out means in the Frum world.

Follow Up Notes
It's a new form of partying I've taken on. That's how us religious people do it. What am I doing later tonight? I'm going up north and hitting some Kevers. It's just good times. The rabbis who have passed, Z"L, are what makes for the Thursday night experience.
Last time we hit the Kever of the Rambam. Then we popped over to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. We even headed to Yonatan Ben Uziel. On the way back we stopped off at Rabbi Meir Bal HaNes. We got back to Jerusalem right when the bars were closing. Amazing. And we got free rugalach.
Rugalach is the backbone of all Jewish events in Israel. And when its free, it's a real Simcha.

Now I get excited to see dead people and take down a few. And I understand why Yahrzeit candles come in shot glasses.
Can't wait to hit the Ari's Kever this Thursday night. It's going to be dope. Hit the grave and then go for a dunk in the cold bath. The Frum people call it a Mikvah.

I used to do baseball tours. I now see there are Gedolim (important rabbis) that are buried all over the world. I'm going to definitely do a Kever tour of Europe. I think I'll enjoy seeing the graves more than the anti-Semites.

How do I know who the more important rebbes are? I judge by the size of the hole by their grave. The bigger the rebbe the bigger the pit at his Kever. This allows for more notes to be tossed in. Though, older rabbis and righteous ancestors don't have note pits. In the 1200s, people didn't walk around with pens and Post-its.
There are also more candles at holy Kevers of ancient rabbis. Tea lights also represent the holiness of our sages. The more tea lights the holier the sage. I'm still trying to figure out who the better rabbis are. It's very confusing. The Rambam's Kever doesn't have a tea light focus. Due to that, the Rambam's Kever is not a top party destination.

That's a long title. It's more of a thesis in question form. Along with the long title, I will make it a very long article.
Being Jewish in Public is not easy nowadays. You're worried about antisemitism, and for good reason. People blame us for everything. They stub their toe, it's your fault. They're yelling, 'Jews!!!' Traveling and a flight gets cancelled. It's the Jews. If they see a Jew Davening, they blame the prayers. In a restaurant, somebody gets a stomach ache. If they see a Jew walking by, it's the Jews. If they don't see a Jew, it's the Jews. If they meet a Jew they don't like, it's Jews.
When it comes to Jews, they express singular in plural. Hence, the multitudes are blamed, and that means you. Hence, travel can be dangerous. Hence, I bring you techniques to hide your Jewishness for safety.

Wear A Baseball Hat
The traditional way of hiding Frumness, the baseball hat dates back to the Brooklyn Dodgers. For years we have been camouflaging Yiddishkeit with team logos, and random names of cities we've vacationed at. The problem is the anti-Semites have figured out the baseball hat technique.
Baseball hats work as a great Jewish disguise at baseball games. The issue is that baseball games are too expensive. If it wasn't so expensive, we would be able to get season tickets and have a safe summer experience.
I have a feeling the baseball hat never worked. My dad would have his beard, a baseball hat and suit. They know we're Jewish. You can't hide a beard and a suit with a baseball hat. Stopping for gas, letting everybody know you're a New York Yankees fan with Payis. Nonetheless, it's tradition and it's a good place to start. We just need more than the baseball hat.
I would suggest the boater. People also used to love to wear those to baseball games. The problem is they're not comfortable enough. They also throw off the Tefillin. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites, you need a flimsier hat that allows you to dawn your Tefillin. You still want to keep the Mitzvot around the anti-Semites.

Without the Baseball Hat Nothing Else Works
The Kippah is a dead giveaway.
Women don't need a baseball hat. The shaytel works fine as its own Jewish camouflage. They anti-Semites don't notice the extra eight inches of hair volume. They just think you have extensions. Jewish women wear wigs. NonJewish women wear extensions. They can't tell the difference.

Don't Smuggle In Cans to the Movies
They know you're Jewish. I am not suggesting to buy fountain cola. That stuff is way too expensive. Especially when Krogers has a deal on 12oz Coke.
Smuggle in bottles. The fizz makes less noise than the can popping and rattling during the opening credits.

Hide Your Prayers
You can't just go out there and start Davening Mincha, swaying with your eyes closed. Mouthing the Amidah prayer is a dead giveaway.
Hide behind a candy machine for Mincha. Candy machines are the perfect place for masking prayer. People understand you standing there for five and a half minutes, meditating over which chocolate to buy. Praying for a good Mars bar is something everybody does. I always pray by candy machines. Maybe Gd will answer my prayers and give me two for the price of one. Sometimes that extra blessing falls through the spiral.
The phone booth Mincha has worked for our family for generations. They see you in there, not picking up the phone, you might have them thinking you're a superhero. Issue: It's 2023. Everybody has a cellphone. They might have figured out the phone booth method.

Transportation Methods
Davening by your car? It's hard to hide that. Have the car door open. When you bow for Modim, make it look as though you're trying to find something on the floor of your car. When rising from the bow, hold a quarter real high. People will know you found a quarter, and they will understand.
I would suggest the trunk, but that just looks like you're going over the stash of cocaine you're smuggling through.
Hiding your Davening in the airport can be hard. I can only stare at the departure screen for so long before people start asking why I'm reading the carrier number with my lips. For this reason, Jews should stick together and Daven with a Minyin. If you have at least ten men praying together, the chances of being attacked are less. Truth be told, sometimes I take a flight just to catch a Mincha myself.
I don't suggest doing the Amidah with your feet together on the subway. You'll fall.

Try to Be More Inconspicuous When Chasing People Into a Hotel
Chasing people into hotel because you need them to initiate the electric door on Shabbis. It scares them. Jumping on an elevator and getting off on the wrong floor, so that you can get away with walking down a couple flights, it's scary. And I know it's hard to have to walk up the service stairs on Shabbat. But you have to do it if you're hiding your Jewishness. Otherwise, you can get hurt.
They get scared and attack and they have an alibi: 'He was following me… The guy who was talking to himself in the hallway earlier near the candy machine… I don’t know if it was a blessing or he was cursing me. Then he jumped on my elevator... He didn't need my floor. He said "Whatever floor you're going to." So, I attacked... No. I'm not an anti-Semite.’

Cover Your Mouth When Praying
This is the only positive of COVID. The mask. You can always hide your prayers with a mask. Now you don't need to Bitul Zman (waste time) anywhere. On line at the supermarket, you can be saying Tehillim.
The yawn method works well too. Cover your mouth for a really long yawn when leaving the bathroom. They'll have no idea you're saying the Asher Yatzar Bracha. They'll just think Jews yawn for a really long time. At worst, they'll know you're Jewish and think you're very tired.
If you're yawning with a baseball hat and COVID mask, they'll never figure you out. Truth be told, the COVID mask is the perfect disguise. How many Frum Jews have you seen wearing masks?! Exactly. Only apostates walk around with a mask.

Pray With an Earbud
The talking on the cellphone method of prayer has been a great default connection to Gd over the past many years. The only issue is the speed at which one talks to Gd, as opposed to regular conversation; nonJews know that only Jews can talk that fast.

Never Try To Get a Deal
They think Jews like sales. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites correctly, you want to get ripped off. NonJews like getting ripped off. Be sure to pay more. If you can, pay the suggested retail price. Marked up if possible.

Don't Read The Labels
Nobody else reads labels on food, other than Jews. OK. You're going to read labels. You're a good Jew. But don't make it obvious. As hard as it may be, don't ask the waitress if the coffee is kosher. They'll know you're Jewish. NonJews are not showing up to coffee shops looking for kosher lattes and Danish.
Try to read all labels from your spot. Squint if you must. A monocle can be helpful. Best is a monocle that doubles as a magnifying glass. Binoculars will get you in trouble. Nobody looks like they're not a stalker with binoculars. And restaurateurs don't like when you stalk their food.
If you must ask them to see the package, don't tell them you keep Kosher. Nobody respects that. Tell them you're on a serious gluten free diet. People respect gluten.
If you can pull it, let them know you're an inspector. They might let you in the kitchen. While you're there, you can kosher the ovens.

Don't Tell People You Know Everybody
Nobody cares. Not even Jews. Waiters and waitresses don't care if you know they're boss. They hate their boss.
NonJews don't know anybody. They need resumes. They have to go through their whole history of getting fired, and present it on paper, before they can get a job.

Say Stuff Like 'Yo'
'Nu. Shulum Ulayechem.' That gives it away real fast.

Safety Comes First
Always remember to wear your baseball hat. Without it, none of the techniques work.
Use any of these techniques and you'll having them wondering if you're Jewish, and you will be safe. They'll theorize and they may figure you out. But they will never be sure, surmising, 'I think he's Jewish. I saw him haggling with the candy machine. He had a hat and a beard. I think he might be a biker with a minivan. Got those kids with him too. Long sideburns. Maybe they bring them together to make little bikers... Definitely Jewish. I just saw them go into McDonald's. Didn't buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They've got to be Jewish. He asked if the burgers were kosher... I just don't know. All I saw was a baseball hat.'
If you're not worried about anti-Semites killing you, walk around with your baseball hat, Daven on the sidewalk, ask to see each item on the menu, so you can figure out if it's kosher and part of the lunch special. Follow them into the elevator with your binoculars, and pop open a can of Dr. Thunder. And let them know you got a deal on it.

Announcements
There are many new volunteer opportunities. There's always volunteer opportunities in our shul. The board is always willing to let people do work and not pay them. That is a direct quote of our rabbi who does not get paid enough. 'Does not get paid enough' is also a direct quote.

Shlomo wasn't invited to the shul dinner. He is angry, as his brother is being honored. He felt he should know about his family being honored, and nobody told him. He is angry and he is enjoying it. Be prepared. If you have a conversation with Shlomo, he's going to complain about the committee and blame the shul for him not being at his brother's affair.

Shul dinner will take place next week. Now Shlomo knows, if he would like to cancel his business trip.
Don't miss out on the evening to not miss. The dinner only costs two hundred seventy five dollars a plate. And you get schnitzel.

The rabbi will keep giving long sermons, cause you people are annoying.

The Acts of Kindness of the Week: Rabbi said there were none, as the people in our shul are not kind, and he wants a raise.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Children...
On his deathbed, Yakove says to Yosef, (Bereishit 47:29) ‘And do with me kindness and truth- please don’t bury me in Egypt.’ Don’t bury me in Topeka. Please. I beg. I do not want to see congregants after I am dead. I see what people do to the rebbes... My grave is going to have a footstone reading ‘at rest,’ so you don’t bother me with questions and requests...
They don't sell deathbeds. It's not a type of bed. Nobody would buy deathbeds. You can't market a bed that brings death... Even if family thought it was a very comfortable bed, no sick person would want to hear that their family bought them the deathbed... Even if it has cotton from Giza.
 
Chesed and Emet. Kindness and Truth. Rashi explains that ‘kindness done for those who have died is kindness of truth, as one is not looking for payment of remuneration.’ My job is kindness of truth. The amount I get paid…
An act of kindness would be to pay me as your rabbi, and not bother me with questions all the time…

You do kindness to be kind. Do I have to explain this.... Not for a name. Every act any member has ever done has been to get something. Why do you think we have a plaque on the ark. It reads ‘The Simkawitz Family’… It should read ‘Gd.’ Donated by Gd. The Torah was donated by the Holy One...
 
You all want. You do stuff to be popular… You don’t play baseball because you’re not good at it...
You volunteer, you want to get paid… That’s not volunteering. If you get paid, it’s not volunteering... Even if other people wanted you to do it. If they pay you.
The difference between volunteering and working is payment... I will not pay you to come to Minyin.
 
You gave Tzedakah. You want a plaque.
Your acts of kindness are pathetic… But if they don’t know. Exactly. You visit the sick, it doesn’t need a community wide announcement in the newspaper… Or the bulletin… What are these announcements of people being useful… Let’s clap for them. We will take a moment now to applaud everybody in the shul who has ever helped, so they finally can get the credit they deserve... I'm done.
 
None of you do true kindness. You all want something...

Shlomo has a right to be mad… The board is messed up…
Chesed would be telling Shlomo his family is being honored… An email is not enough. Have you seen your emails??? They have eighty announcements... If you had one announcement a week that people cared about... Yes. That would also be Chesed... Why don't you volunteer to make less announcements and let people Know what is important, like when their family is being honored...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got rid of the acts of kindness weekly announcement, as people were just doing the kindness for the reputation. One congregant picked up an old person’s bags at the supermarket and took a selfie. Posted the selfie and wrote, ‘I am helping,’ and everybody liked it.
 
Why did we have an Acts of Kindness announcement? The board felt it would encourage people to help. They heard it works for third graders.
The thing that bothered me the most was the acts of kindness song. 'You're all good. You're all kind. Will you be mine.'
 
The deathbed conversation continued, and Pinker's Mattresses started selling The Deathbed. It was marketed as, 'This bed is so comfortable, you'll never want to get out of it.'

A good half hour discussion was had in the middle of the sermon as to what constitutes volunteering. The rabbi made it clear that anything Bernie does is not volunteering. The rabbi said that whatever Bernie does is annoying and it gets in the way. Many congregants argued that getting in the way is volunteering. And many congregants started volunteering to get in the way. Now, there are thirty Kiddish volunteers, and they all get in the way.
To note, Bernie was in the acts of kindness song.

The emails are too much. Shlomo is right. You have to confirm the person saw it.
Shlomo is loving it. He’s milking it. It is a very rare occurrence that somebody has the right to complain and is totally correct. He brings it up everywhere. We were at the kid’s indoor soccer game and he started going off on how he knew about it because the coach called him, unlike the shul. He also said he will be donating money to the coach, and he’ll start Davening at soccer games.
Shlomo will be using this complaint for the next couple of years. And he will probably use it to get out of paying his dues.

In the early 1800s, approximately the year 1828, in the afternoon of March 14th. It was a Thursday and it was approximately 3:42. It took place right outside the shteibel of Kotzk. We are not sure which stones of the walkway. From the eyewitness, it seems to have a been the eighteenth stone. That is when the story took place. But we are not sure.
A congregant comes to the Rabbi of Kotzk and tells him of this miracle worker who knows the secret of making robots. In the eighteen hundreds that consisted of paper mache.
The Rabbi of Kotzk responded, 'That is nothing. Can he make a Chasid?!'

Lessons of What Followed
We learn from here that congregants are annoying. They won't even allow you to walk into the shul before harassing you with questions.

The Rebbe tried building a Chasid factory. Many Chasidim protested, as they were worried they would not get the rebbe's attention once the Rebbe finally had Chasidim that listened to him. Truth is the miracle worker only knew how to make robotic arms that welded. The congregant left that piece of information out. Which is why you should never listen to congregants.
The miracle engineer tried making Chasidim and he ended up with a design that was the prototype for R2-D2. The Rebbe was very happy until they realized that he talked. And the miracle worker told nobody the secret.
Some say the Rebbe of Kotzk wanted to show his knowledge of engineering. To make a Chasid is a very technical endeavor. You have to be technologically literate to do it. To produce a soul is not easy. You need the right metals and tools.

It was a very hard story to tell, as nobody could say 'Kotzk' without feeling like they said it wrong. Arguments were had as to whether this was a story or a quote. To this day, in the 2023, the argument of story or quote continues.
At least now we know where Chasidim come from. Somebody is making them with the help of Gd. A little Dvar Torah you can share at a Shabbat meal, from the Kibbitzer magazine.

Tales of The Hasidim- Book 2: The Later Masters by Martin Buber (p.285)

The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs.

They Will Never Trust You
You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would.
It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party.
If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care.
Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis.

Women Like Surprises
They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date.
Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to.

How it Works At a Simcha
You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet).
Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her.
They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women.
If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim.

How It Works The Rest of the Time
People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives.
The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher.
And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over.

Even Online You Need A Shidduch
Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you.

It Gives the Community Something To Do
This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish.
When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you.
It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well.
If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara.

So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved.

Announcements
New Year's Eve the shul will have Minyin.
Leftover latke party is going to happen on New Year's. We need to find a way to get rid of the latkes. The leftover latkes are due to the horrific latkes served at the shul's Chanukah party. We're going to fry them again, to hopefully hide the original taste of the Lefkowitz family recipe.
 
Another haircut is taking place this week. You must attend the three year old's haircut party. Upshering. Yes. That’s a celebration now too. Got to get them a gift for that haircut as well... Clips are good for long hair. Clips also work for Kippahs.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are asked to stay away from the Bima, or they will be ejected from shul. If you want to be involved in Anim Zemirot, teach your kids at home.
 
The only two families who paid full tuition for their children's Jewish education have realized they've been scammed. It turns out, they too don't want to pay full tuition now, because they have the money.
The school fundraiser will take place again this month. The goal is for nobody to have to pay full tuition.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants...
Thank Gd people don’t read the announcements and people showed up today. First time people show up... Nobody expected anybody in the cold. But you were going sledding anyways... I worry about your Yiddishkeit. Your connection to Gd. Your going to Gehenim...
 
Yehuda is worried about Binyamin getting in trouble. Yakov didn't want him to take Binyamin because he was worried something bad will happen. Kind of like every time the board makes a decision...
(Bereisit 44:29) ‘If you take this one too from me, and tragedy happens to him, you will bring my years down to the grave in misery'... Yakov wasn't working for Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He did not have Bernie as a congregant, or Sadie getting mad at him for not hitting thirty minutes on his sermon last week. He didn't have a president who doesn't know what an Upshering is. Yet. He is worried about Binyamin. And he has deep hurt deep inside of him... Congregants can bring you down to the grave in misery...
 
Yakov wanted a good ending. He knew his years were coming to an end, and he was comforted by knowing a piece of his Rachel was still around... Our president gets rid of every piece of tradition we ever had... Then where is the huge craps Dreidel for Chanukah... I know that kids sitting next to the number has a casino feeling. That's what we want. People like going to the casinos... In this case. The casino Dreidel brings families together...
 
Binyamin was goodness to him. It's what he represented. He didn't represent the messed up traditions and board of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
Rashi teaches ‘Now, when he is near me, I comfort myself regarding his mother and Yosef (who are gone), and if he dies it will be as if the three of them died on one day.’
Yes. Menachem. It is a lot. A lot rides on you. I see the back left of the men's section, and I see the board, I see the messed up Upshering hairdo, I see the latkes from the latke party, and I see Bernie, and I see the death of our shul... You could've gotten a barber to do the Upshering... There's no Mitzvah to give your kid a Number 2... Number 2 on the shaver teeth is not a style...
 
Let’s talk about Nachis for a second, and how you let your parents down… Binyamin brings Yaakov Nachis.
The next generation is a comfort... Well it should be. I know your kids let you down Fran. I see them every Shabbis. A great letdown.
When you see how they mess up, grandparents are not comforted. Still in their snow-boots... Well, take off the snow-boots. You're not sledding in shul...
 
New Year’s is coming up. What can you do... Well. You didn't do Teshuva on Rosh Hashana. Maybe now is the time. When the big apple drops. Did you even dip your apple in the honey on Rosh Hashana...
 
Nachis. There is no Nachis in an Upshering... We can’t celebrate everything. It’s a haircut. You’re not getting gifts from me. People are going broke on gifts… It’s your fault you had the party right after Chaukah.
 
Yaakov took pride, but he wasn’t annoying about it. You up there for Anim Zemirot. We don't even hear your kids... We hear you.
You get involved in Anim Zemirot like your child is an athlete… They’re leading services.
You stand there. Let the Gabai do his job. He’ll make sure your child finishes it fast… Nobody wants to hear your kid singing… Yes. Even Adon Olam. Everybody wants the fast tune...
 
You want to comfort me? How about you pay tuition for your kids. Maybe pay shul dues...
 
How do we find comfort? I don't know. I am the rabbi of this congregation. I am still trying to figure out how to find Nachis... Why is it called Nachis? Finally a good question. It's called Nachis, because your progeny is supposed to bring you comfort... For you messing up. Why do you think Tzimi takes his kids' Anim Zemirot so seriously?! He did a bad job when he was younger. So, he needs the Nachis... No. Let the Gabai be there. You're messing up your kids too.

You want your kids ending up like the brothers? Then, don’t pay Jewish day school tuition... You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school...
We have a new fundraiser every month, so that parents don't pay. The rest of the community pays for their day school education... No. Parents don't get Nachis from their kids. They want to save on their education...
 
No comfort here. You have brought me down in misery… This is why people drink on New Year’s.
None of you are a Binyamin. Not one Binyamin in the shul. Just Bens...
Any resolutions?... I am going to try to avoid the board this year...

Rivka’s Rundown
Best fundraiser ever. 'You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school.' Tons of money was raised. As long as it's not called tuition, people will give.

Two families fell for it last year. They paid the full tuition. They thought full tuition meant they should pay full tuition. For some reason, they’re mad their wealthier friends don’t pay it.
From our Sages: How do you become wealthy in the Jewish community? You don't pay Jewish day school tuition.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are bad. What’s worse is Anim Zemirot moms. They’re yelling, coming in so loud from the women’s section. I heard one mom throw her hands up and yell out, ‘Come on Gabai!’
When the rabbi said 'everybody wants the fast tunes,' people got up and started cheering. That's the first time people cheered in the shul. It started with emotional applause, even though your not supposed to do that on Shabbis (yet, they were already sledding). Then people started standing up and cheering for the rabbi.
We're not going to discuss the ark opening dads. They get violent. One dad threw another kid aside so his kid could pull the curtain string.
 
The Upshering hairdo was messed up. If the dad cared about his kids, he would focus on a better haircut, and not Anim Zemirot.
 
We’re celebrating everything.
Everything is a party in our shul now, and you have to buy gifts for everything. We had eighteen parties for one engagement. A vort, Lechaim, Shabbat Chatan, Shabbat Kallah, Ufroof, the in-laws had it all, the friends had to have it too. Then, everything has to be celebrated by the other side. Also had the shower.
Then they wanted to know why nobody wanted to buy them wedding gifts.
I stopped buying gifts for people, and it’s helped my finances a lot. I get invited to less parties now, and I am a much happier member of the community. The less people like me, the more I like coming to shul.

The huge Dreidel for the Chanukah spin game, and the kids standing next to the letter they are picking is an amazing gambling concept. One night where congregants don't go to the casino. And they didn't do it this year. In response, the casino served Sufganiot.

And the New Year's party was not much of a celebration. The latkes killed that party too.