אחרי מות קדושים אמור 'After one’s death, say Holy things about them.’ A beautiful lesson learned from the order of the three Parshiot. Once people die, we have to say positive and beautiful things about them. Our rabbi focused this week on trying to see positive in members of the community who passed away. It was not easy for him, but he did it. Saying positive about congregants didn't happen. He could only say very negative stuff about the board.
In his class, Rabbi Mendelchem said, ‘When they are alive, some people are annoying as anything. There are a lot of sinners in this congregation. Bernie, I saw you eating at McDonald’s on the corner of Sinfield street. I won’t bring it up at your funeral, but I think now is a good time to address it. There is a sin of eating non-kosher meat. There is also a sin of eating like a pig.’

We skipped the reading of Kdoshim last week, due to Frank’s slow reading, so the rabbi focused on Kdoshim and being ‘holy because H’ is holy.’ He went on with what seemed to be another Drasha. ‘Are we holy or are we not? Are we created in H's image or not? Did Mr. Goldsmith ever pay his dues? Holy people pay dues. We have the potential to be Holy. That is why it is written as a command. Because most of you are not... How do we become Holy? Listen to your rabbi… Rabbis don't have to pay dues.
'Rashi notes, it's that we must separate ourselves from illicit relations and sins, for where there is lewdness, there is holiness... That does not mean to spend your days and nights away from your family, at the casino, not paying dues...’
The rabbi even brought up Cats & Dolls, as he was making his point about spending money on pets. It was an extra sermon.

I think he just continued the theme of people being holy, in his Drasha, which means going according to the bylaws of the shul. Nothing was mentioned about Mitzvot.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants.

This week's Parsha, Emor, continues on the path of teaching us how to be holy, by telling the Kohens that they may not become impure in their role. The beedle hasn't showered in years... Gabai. Same thing... The Kohen has a role. In our roles, people must not be impure... I went to Mike's law office. Not one bottle of Purell... Not even sanitizer... At least the generic kind... Is 99.9% pure enough? I would like that other .1%...

(Vayikra 21:5-6) 'Ya'll shall be holy before H."'  Being holy is about how you look... You're before H' Bernie. It's Gd.... How the Kohens look. Means that they shall not bring a razor to the edges of their beard, especially when you are missing a spot... I am just saying that people look disheveled… No cutting gashes... Learn how to shave... It's pathetic... You show up to shul with little tissues covering red spots... Exactly. You're using a shaver. How that happens?... You don't give yourself a haircut... It comes out horrible. Michael...
You chuch into a tissue... It's worse than a sneeze... It's disgusting... Disgustingness is not holy...
What we can do to be part of the Temple service? Look decent. You, the holy people representing the Jewish nation, must look decent... Are our leaders living up to this standard? Who is selling the clothes to these members of the Knesset? A sinner. The collars on these guys in the Israeli Parliament is embarrassing. They’ve got eight inch collars. It's like a tie to them... The Ben-Gurion collar...
​
Shall not make a bald spot. When I look around this congregation, I see many men who have the most embarrassing lack of hair I have seen in my life. It makes it almost impossible to pray... Constantly drawn to the glare bouncing off your heads... Mr. Goldsmith must’ve shined his head before Shabbat… The shul offers a huge bucket of gigantic kippot outside. Mr. Goldsmith, everybody in this congregation has a yarmulke.... To cover the baldness... We put those huge things out there for you, and of course Bernie, who has the European tradition of wearing nylon soup bowls.
Mr. Freedberg, keep the toupee on, we are serving H' now… The earmuffs look great… Put on the huge Kippahs… We have the big nylon ones to hide the baldness... It’s not holy because it’s embarrassing…
 
Men with blemishes may not serve as Kohanim (Vayikra 21:17-24) in the Beit Hamikdash. They may still eat of the sacrifices.
We do not discontinue our connection with the men and their wigs. We allow from them to join us at Kiddush, no matter how much their lack of hair makes them want to eat more. But we do not call up these bald men to the ark, for Psicha… It’s disturbing to the service and all of our attention goes right to the bald spot and the offsetting toupees... Glad we can clarify that... pay your dues…
 
So, no more becoming Tamei… Too much impurity… And we have to work out our Shidduch system… The singles are sitting there… (Vayikra 21:7) And no marrying harlots… We've been through this Pinny... I am worried about Shimmy and Karen… Very worried about Karen marrying the wrong guy… Singles need help... They can't make their own decisions...
 
We must look and act proper. That is what we are called on to do as Kingdom of Kohanim. We all serve in shul, except for Marcie, who hasn’t joined the sisterhood… Respect the shul… The Temple...
You have to look decent. You have to act properly. No being loud… They weren’t loud in the Beit Hamikdash… That’s why you could hear the little bells on the Kohen’s clothes. It was hush… No slamming doors… You slammed the door… Then you chuched. I have no idea how the chuch came out of your mouth. It was disgusting. Then you ran in the shul… You have to act properly and marry right… No. He’s disheveled… You chuch, you use sanitizer...

We are going to put together an appeal for decent clothes in the ladies section on the right, and the front left men's section... No used cans in the donation bin this time... Every charity event has had open cans in it... You're loading it up with used stuff... Fresh clothes... We cannot be impure before H' anymore... Run it through the laundry... At least Purell it...
Just give money.... You can find the cards at your seat... Wipe them down and flip over whatever number you want...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The rabbi's sermons are very interactive. I went to another shul later last week and caught the rabbi's sermon. Nobody talked.
He loves that teaching of saying good things after death. He wants to be able to say something positive about people.
Rabbi came up with a noise rule. No being louder than the Chazan. You can't really hear the Chazan. We've got five 'Amen' sections. Nothing is synchronized. He had other noise rules, he turned into law. He also said no shouting ‘fire’ in a crowded shul, even if there is a fire. You have to whisper that there’s a fire.

The congregation looked extremely disheveled this week.
The rabbi came up with another rule that helped the congregation. People cannot shine or buff their heads before coming to shul. They can only shine their shoes. He also purchased linen yarmulkes, as the satin and nylon was too shiny. The rabbi has been squinting for weeks.
He brought in a finishing school coach. The Tefillah didn’t improve, and she made everybody get bigger shirt collars. Though the chuching still took place, and the men’s section is still 80% bald, everybody in the congregation can set a table.
They tried only having good looking people called up for Aliyahs. Nobody else was called to the Torah. They started checking for blemishes. The shul supplied jackets and toupees to members who didn't bring a suit or hair.  They were measuring facial features to ensure they are symmetrical. Once they realized you can't use a ruler on Shabbat, they gave up on the whole thing.

The rabbi started a singles campaign, due to his worry about people marrying the wrong people. I think he took the Kohen having to be pure and marrying right thing a bit too far. For his new campaign, he was shipping in singles, trying to help out Shimmy. The singles campaign was a huge success. Four divorces took place that week. Everybody was so excited to meet new people. The rabbis should’ve mentioned that the Kohens cannot marry divorcees. It caused a whole raucous, and we had to ship in people

Nobody donated money. They donated clothes. They thought it was a Goodwill drive. Only old clothes with holes. The rabbi loves the appeals. He has cards for every Shabbat, just in case he has a chance to ask for money. He even has an appeal card for his new pool, so he can give back to the community. He mentioned that you can only give back once you have.
Nothing was sanitizied in that bin.
The rabbi is now looking to open a McDuvid's

RELIGION
•JPost reports, 'Jerusalem Rabbinate requires beards in job application for (kashrut) inspectors.' They don't just want the hair in the food. They want it in the job applications as well.
Kosher restaurants have an average of five more hairs in meat dishes, due to the uncontained beard hair. The average beard hair of a rabbi is eight times as long as that of a chef.
The Rabbinate has been accused from many Chareidi Jews of not having a trustworthy enough kosher certificate, as many inspectors are not always present in the restaurants. They now fight back, as noted, 'All can trust our Kosher certificate when there is a hair in the meal. That is how you know the rabbi is there.'

SPORTS
•Iran is banned from judo competition, for the next four years, for telling their athletes to avoid Israelis in competition (TOI). This is sound judo tactic. Why anybody would want to be thrown to the ground is baffling. (this was Mark's addition- he has never been in a fight or competed as an athlete)
The Iranian athletes are not happy, as this is their only chance to fight Jews.
•'David Cohen can become the first Jewish jockey to win a Kentucky Derby' (JTA). Other Jews will be at the Kentucky Derby, continuing a long standing tradition achieved by many Jews, losing a lot of money.

WORLD
•The Rover just made oxygen on Mars. What Jewish people are willing to do to get another Pesach hotel. (Rachel put this one in- She was in Florida this Pesach and as she said, 'It was too hot there.')

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•We can still blame the prices at Bloomingdales on this.
•In his rage against losing an illegal real estate deal for his law firm, the Chicago Alderman Ed Burke says it's the Jews and how they do business with Jews. He is sincerely bothered by the schnapps, kichel and herring.
To quote Burke (JTA), '"Well, you know as well as I do, Jews are Jews."'
The ADL is not happy with this. They are happy with the new falafel stands that offer different flavored balls. The ADL loves those places and put out a statement that they should continue with the zatar balls. The ADL demands that Burke apologize and that nobody ever call Jews 'Jews' again. This has caused people to resort to epithets. Burke is now going to just say, 'The cheap people.'
In his defence, he is 77 years old and he didn't even realize that what he was saying was wrong.
Many are on his side, as they said, 'What's the problem? We talk about how we hate Jews all the time.' The ADL will not stand for this anymore. Even so, they are willing to compromise and allow people to use the word 'Jew' with an optimistic tone. If it can't be sang in the resolution of a musical number, people may say 'Jews.'
•In response to Jews, many have decided to move to France, saying, 'We want to live in an anti-Semite sympathetic country... Finally a court system and refuge that understands us.'

ENTERTAINMENT
•Jews didn't do well in the Oscars. They were nominated but almost all of them didn't win. Anti-Semites.
They only nominated Jews so they can say their name and tell them they lost.
​
*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.

Lag BOmer is coming up this Thursday night. If you don't prepare right, you're going to be sitting there with a pathetic fire, roasting a marshmallow. 
I've been living in Israel long enough to know what a proper Lag BOmer bonfire is, and I am going to help you do it right.

Reason for the Fire
On Lag BOmer, we celebrate the death of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, known as the Rashbi. He is the rabbi who revealed the Kabbalah to us. We call this celebration a 'Heelulah' (a day of joy) as a rabbi’s death signals his reaching the culmination of his teachings, actions and deeds, and the ascendance of his soul. This also means they can’t come up with any new rulings of things that are forbidden for us to do. Which means that everybody should be celebrating, even the heretics.
The most celebrated Heelulah is that of the Rashbi. This is a huge celebration throughout Israel and we rejoice with bonfires. Here is my advice on how to celebrate the Heelulah based on what I witnessed in my own neighborhood.
 
Making The Bonfire
 
Background
Due to the light Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai brought to the world by revealing the mystical layer of the Torah, bonfires are lit throughout Israel. A Yahrzeit candle isn't big enough to create a Kabbalistic safety hazard... Emunah. Instead, we have the children go out and make huge fires without parental supervision.
The Rashbi is the only rabbi that gets the huge Yahrzeit fire. Other rabbis are stuck with a Yahrzeit candle. The general rabbi gets a 24 hour glass encompassed candle, sitting there by the sink, like everybody else. If you see a bonfire or huge flame by a regular Yahrzeit, you worry.
The positive about the regular Yahrzeit candle is that after you finish it, you got a shot glass. After the candle finishes, you can clean out that glass, and celebrate their passing with a shot.
They should have a BBQ size for other famous rabbis. Right now it's only the Yahrzeit candle or bonfire, and we are only willing to risk communal safety once a year.
 
Collecting the Wood Inside Israel
The kids of Israel collect anything they can find that burns. This includes trees, branches, and homes; and it is not considered an act of anti-Semitism. The children take their wood collection very seriously; so, hide all inanimate objects. This includes houses, plastic and older people.
There is a fine line between a child’s understanding of religious vigilante and paying respects to the Rashbi. The children will burn everything. Hide whatever you can. Put a sheet over your house if possible. Stand by your door. Let them know it belongs to your house. If you are not around for Lag BOmer, hire a neighbor to make sure they do not burn down your villa.
Comments overheard last Lag B’Omer from fuming neighbors:
‘Why are we missing our cabinets?’
‘Where is the bench? It was just here yesterday.’
‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’
‘Please put her back. She was sleeping.’
‘They burned my door last year. I boarded it up.’
The kids start collecting all immobile objects for this holiday six months in advance. If you are in Israel, guard your Schach, or your branches you used to cover the Sukkah will be gone. We couldn’t eat in our Sukkah the last time, because the kids took off the roof. This is another reason I suggest sleeping in your Sukkah, or at least taking shifts guarding it.
 
Collecting the Wood in the Diaspora
Collect anything flammable and bring it to the park. Different kinds of wood and flammable objects can easily be found around your home too: cabinets, tables, stools, couches, lamps, towels. I have seen towels burn after they were placed on lamps, so towels do burn. If you are using doors for your fire, it is suggested to unhinge them from the house before burning them.
Stay away from inflammable objects. Though kids in Israel like to burn plastic bags, they emit toxins into the air, as do televisions. Even though flags are flammable, one should not use Lag BOmer as a chance to protest.

Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in Israel
In Israel, last Lag BOmer, I learned that supermarket carts only cost 5 shekel. If you put the 5 NIS in the cart, it is yours. The children put the 5 NIS in the cart and then take the cart and load it with wood. If you pile it correctly over the sides, and takes up both sides of the street, you can push a good amount of your home in one trip. Bypassing the use of the parent’s car allows the children to burn more appliances. Loading a car with parents kills the joy of the holiday, especially when they make you return the table, cabinets and chairs to the kitchen.
 
Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in the Diaspora
In America, the carts are free. If you can, take a Costco cart. They are much bigger, and they cost nothing. It might look weird pushing your cabinets down the main street of your town in a shopping cart. But Costco does sell cabinets as well.
It's also important to find a place for your fire. The best spots in my neighborhood were found by the kids who saw smaller children and then kicked them out. That is a good way to find wood as well. The suggested flammables collecting technique. The bigger kids didn’t even have to bring their own wood.
 
What Happens at the Fire
There are many ways to use a fire. Most of them are dangerous. I suggest just watching it or eating marshmallows. Do not stick the marshmallows into the fire, unless if your fire is pathetic. That is a good way to burn yourself.
The kids in my neighborhood were running around it, throwing stuff into it. That reminds me. I forgot to add another item that is flammable; deodorant. Do not worry. The parents are not to blame for the danger of exploding bottles. The parents weren’t there to see it.
If you cannot make it to Israel, to fully connect with the tradition, make sure your fire is uncontained. In Israel, it is fine to make uncontained fires in the park. Your town might have issues with forest fires. If that is the case, take a couple of rocks and tell them it is contained. That usually seems to work. A couple of rocks at a height of four inches seems to contain flames. That is why I am assuming they always have rocks around the fires.
If you cannot make a fire, or your neighborhood doesn’t support uncontained fires, just eat marshmallows. That’s close enough to a bonfire experience. Playing a guitar is another bonfire experience. People see fires and play guitars. That seems to be what the guy playing the guitar enjoys. Nobody played guitar in my neighborhood last year. The kids threw that in the fire.

Though, I don't know what kinds of songs are proper for celebrating death, I have seen a lot of dancing. So get out there and party this Lag BOmer. It's the Rashbi's Yahrzeit, his Heelulah, so make it good times. And be sure to make a huge fire, to show that you too have Emunah (faith). 

As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, you can also celebrate with the tradition of taking bows and arrows to add to the danger of uncontained fires. If you're afraid that the cops will find your children on the streets with bows and arrows, throw them into the bonfire. The bows and arrows. Not your children.

Amereekayis orderring falafel is funny. I tell story.
​
Ameicano want line
He ask, 'Why you no wait line?' So cute. Amereekaiy comee and make line. I say, 'You see falafel, you go to where is.' He look for line. The line is at the ball. I get before heem.
I call Israeli friendees of me. Ehhh they come too. Whole neighborhood come and he steeel wait on line. I finish, he steeel line wait. 

How Much
Amereekaiy come and ask how much. 'How much?' Is thees steakeetyada. It no steak. It falafel. 500 shekel. What he sink?
Like he ehhhh get reeped off wis all. It's falafel. You pay extra five shekel. You sound funny. You speak wis that Americano accentee.
Dis no good. 
Come to falafel stand, like ehhhhh, 'what you have heere?' He sell falafel. It falafel stand. Like, they want salat. You want salat, I give you. I charge more. 

Dis vhy they ehhhh get reeped off. They ask like idiote. I no ask, I take.
He say 'why dis.' I say 'yes dis.' We both say 'I do you do.' So we do. Very funny.

Want deal? Falafel deal? What Amereekaiy sink? You get deal on all? Everyting ehhhh sale. He sink dis eees ehhh Marshall's. He look for clearance rack. No clearance rack at Amos Falafel. 'Falafel balls from last season. Three month old falafel, we give deal.'
Always want deal. American sink two for price of one. They give two balls for one.
He charge five more shekel. Price on wall. Amereekaiy no see it. 

He sink, zis Amereekaiy, zis falafel shuk. What he bargain? Like ehhh 'Two falafel for 20.' Zer sign here. And he walk away wis no drink. It say ploose drinkeee. He no read math? 

No Spicey
Two hours zey wait on line. He get to order. Wait. Somebody cut heem in middle of heees question about deal.
He finally order. He say, 'No Chareef.' No spicey? What you eat zen? Ehhh. Dis no gefilte feesh. 
So ehhh zey wait two hour for no spicey hot gefilte feesh balls. 

Deeees so funny. I stay. I eat two falafels. Laugh. And he pay.

I tell you of knew Olim next time. Why they move America?

***From Kibbitzer Staff: Sorry about the grammar. We tried. Spellcheck didn’t work.

​The sermon was twice as long for another Parsha that took twice as long. I think he planned a really long speech to get back at Frank.
People were taking too much liberty in the shul the past few weeks. One person started cooking in the kitchen, with no permission. We had to kick him out before he treifed it up. We had people reupholstering the place. Somebody chose turquoise as the color for the new couch cover. The shul doesn’t have enough money for full reupholstering. We just get the couch covers. We have a lot of old members. They’re fine with it. People have also taken the liberty of calling themselves up to the Torah. One Aliyah had eight men. Max thought it was Simchat Torah. The women took the liberty of making the women’s section bigger. They didn’t want to bother the men, so they broke down a wall. This is what happens when people make decisions without being called on to do them, even with good intention. 
Right now, I am looking at a lot of maimed umbrellas. The lobby is a bumbershoot mortuary. 
The rabbi wasn't happy with people not listening and coming up with their own rules. It leads to lawlessness. I think the rabbi was giving his whole sermon to him. It was a double Parsha again.  
 
My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom in the meantime.

Another double Parsha. Too much. I give up... That was not a Kitel (robe). It was a blanket. I knew Frank was reading... I slept... He's only allowed to read during the week. When people aren't here and it's only part of the portion...
After somebody dies you say positive. That's what it means when you put the names of the three Parshas together... You are all alive here, and it is very hard to speak positive right now...

This week's Parsha kicks off with the piece of advice given to Aaron. Moshe is to tell Aaron, (Vaikra 16:2) 'Do not come to the tent of meeting within the curtain, in front of the cover that is on the ark, and you shall not die, because...' You can’t just go wherever you want all the time… It’s shul. Somebody went into the linen closet. That is where we keep the shul curtains… Your children can’t just jump up on the Bimah (stage where we lead services from)… Because we read the Torah from there, Bernie…
If the Torah drops... Yes. Some people need to take off some weight… 40 days of fasting is too much. Nobody wants the Torah to drop… I am giving a speech right now. Why is Chaim running behind the curtains again… Let the parents know that the kids can’t come behind the ark covers in my speech… Exactly. Or in front of them. The Bimah and the ark are not toys… The kids get up for Anim Zemirot and Hatikva and that’s it… We don’t have a shul choir. There is no need to have everybody up here all the time… Get down. I am giving a sermon. To you... You only come when the Gabai calls you… There are proper times… Somebody may die. We’ll get Mad Dog back here, and start bouncing more Jews out of shul…

This is told to Aaron, right after his sons died (16:1)… Nadav and Avihu shouldn’t have brought that pan without being told to. They did a service they weren't asked to do… You can’t just sacrifice whatever you want… Nobody wants your turtle, Benzi. The nursery school will not benefit from Terach the Turtle… It’s a bit much, after his son’s are killed, but do we want more to go wrong? Do you see the reupholstering job the sisterhood did?…
His sons are killed and Aaron is told to not make the same mistake. Is this not too close?... We have a duty to not mess up, like the Gabai. I have to remind him every time… Even when it is hard. Like right after he led davening and did a bad job. I was the one to let him know he messed up... And then calling up the guest to lead... You audition for leading Mincha... He always calls up Mr. Felsenblum for an Aliyah… It takes him five minutes to get up there, and then he Mi Shebeirachs everybody he’s ever met. By name… Sometimes duty comes first. Emotions are placed aside when you have to sit through 280 Mi Shebeirach blessings for each one of Mr. Felsenblum’s friends and family… No. You don’t wait for a board decision. That’s how you get a shul picnic with no hamburgers… You couldn’t get the Jack’s sausages, at least?... It is a holy decision. It has to be made by the rabbi… That's how you get sausages...

Rashi (16:1) teaches in the name of Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah that it is to caution Aaron. It's more powerful to be told that one will die from cold food, if there is an example of a specific person who died from cold food, then to not have the example… I am not saying that we need examples. But, Mrs. Krynatz's potato kugel was horrific...

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.

We count 49 days from Pesach to Shavuot. Yet, every year, I mess up the counting.
Known as the Omer, counting, or Sefira, or Sefirat HaOmer, these 49 days are the greatest challenge of the Jewish people. Counting is not usually hard, but when you are required to do it, it's almost impossible.
Many feel alone and embarrassed when they forget to count the Omer. They have to tap out and see their countless friends walking with pride on the fifth day of the Omer. Your friends are still counting and gloating their achievement by saying the blessing in your face, and forcing you to say 'Amen' to your failure. None of you should feel alone.
Out of the millions that keep to this commandment, around 20 make it through to the end. I work in statistics, and the Jewish people is a large enough sample size to realize that I am not the only one who messes this commandment up.
Here are reasons I forget to count the Omer, and you do too:
 
72 Reasons I Forgot to Count the Omer
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I had to wait a whole day to get to the next number. I said ‘35’ and then somewhere, within those 24 hours, I forgot that the next day was number 36.
I saw a horse.
I had to put up the leftover lasagna in the microwave.
My sister asked me to watch her kids.
I was learning Torah.
Tax season. There were numbers involved with that too.
I went to sleep late.
I went to sleep early.
I went to sleep on time.
It was the third day of the Omer. I forgot to count the first two. You can’t decide to start counting on the third day.
Television.
The internet. I was trying to figure out if the padlock sign was really locked.
I asked somebody the day, they said what yesterday was. I got confused and that was it.
I missed Minyan. Not showing up to pray with other people, I learned that I cannot depend on myself.
I don’t look at my calendar. I miss a lot of meetings too. I should look at my calendar and be more dependable.
I asked somebody what day of the Omer it was. I was supposed to ask what day it was yesterday. I am such an idiot. I’ve got to learn how to ask questions.
I didn’t remember the day that was before. I said it, but I couldn’t remember.
Somebody asked me the day and I said it.
The second night of Pesach, after the seder, I said I was going to count. Then came the fourth cup of wine.
TV.
My upstairs neighbors were moving something. They did not lift their couch. Instead, they dragged it. So, I forgot.
I had school the next day.
I had to do homework.
A movie. I don’t even remember the movie. I just remember that it shifted my focus for long enough for me to forget to count.
I can’t focus for five minutes. I am going to have a hard time focusing for forty-nine days.
I don’t know if it is ADHD. I have a shorter attention span than that.
I went for a walk.
I was thinking.
I was thinking about the Omer.
I wasn’t thinking.
I think it was April 15th.
Left shul right after Maariv; just ran out, because we had to put the kids to sleep.
‘100 bottles of beer on the wall.’ I get lost at around 86. My attention doesn’t last that long.
When I go to sleep, I can count sheep up to fifteen. Then, I have to question if I truly got to fifteen, or if I skipped thirteen. Sefira, I mess up.
I forgot my niece’s birthday. It was a day.
I couldn’t find my other sock. So, I forgot.
I was on vacation.
It’s not something I get to decide on. It’s a requirement, and it is said at shul every night. And it’s something that is listed all over the internet and on every Jewish calendar, and on every Jewish handout and bulletin. Thus, I forget.
My niece’s piano recital.
Security at the supermarket.
I was on a flight and the pilot did not mention the day of the Omer, along with the altitude.
I remembered to count. And then, I forgot.
Dinner.
I didn’t know I was going to be asked to lead the Maariv service. If I would’ve known, I would’ve made sure to remember to count. I looked like a fool, who couldn’t say the Bracha.
There were no English subtitles on the Hebrew TV channel.
I had a cold.
I was at a baseball game.
I was never good at math. I always had to use popsicle sticks to count. I still had a hard time counting with popsicle sticks, as I was always trying to find the ices.
I was never good at English.
I was never good at social studies. That class confused me, because I thought it was history.
I don’t have decent reading comprehension skills.
I got into Yeshiva University because it is a Jewish school and they accept Jews.
I am bad at anything that has to do with school. Counting is one of them.
The TV was off. Somehow, that changed my focus.
I was online. I started reading news feeds and stuff my friends posted. Their posts made very little sense, but it kept me occupied for a very long time.
Got a call to help out in the house. Had to take it. Forgot the Omer, and got home late.
I have a chart in my kitchen, on the fridge, and near my bed. Still forgot.
The first night of the Omer counting is the second night Passover Seder in America. Nobody said anything after the Pesach Seder. I didn’t drink much at that Seder.
In Israel, there is no Seder on the second night. I forgot to count the first night.
A movie was on. It was very intriguing. I also do not remember what this one was about.
It was August.
My silent prayer took too long at Shul. And then, when I finished, everybody was already past the blessing for the Omer.
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I was reading an excellent article.
A fly was in my apartment.
Nobody reminded me to count. That was their fault.
I went to sleep.
I got up.
I thought about why I am counting. I still have no idea what the Omer is. I have no idea what I am counting. Yet, I count and it’s meaningful.  

​Now you know you're not alone. There are many other Jews that are also not doing a good job of keeping the Mitzvot. I hope that makes you feel better.
I don’t think I've ever made it the whole way through the full 49 days of counting. If nothing goes wrong this year, if I stare at the calendar, don’t talk to anybody and I don’t fall asleep, I think I can make it through the full Omer count. 

The rabbi went off complaining about the length of davening and how painfully long the services are. I think we all forgot about the guest speaker we brought in for Israel Shabbat. Rabbi Mendelchem didn't want to mention the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration. He was very mad at the dry falafel balls.
The congregation needs to do Teshuva. Layning would have never been this bad if something wasn't wrong. Thanks to Rabbi Mendelchem's ability to find fault...
 
My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants
 
Another double Parsha. We should be adding another week. Anything to finish quicker. 53 Shabbats every year… A double month is fine. We’ll do the solar calendar like we do the lunar… Anything for a quicker layning... The first Aliyah was so long... We need that cantor back. I know he didn’t have a good voice, but he read faster than Dr. Felsenman... No. You don’t annunciate everything Frank. It’s a double Parsha. You read fast!!! I wasn’t going to give a sermon, due to the double Parsha. But I had so much time to think. I came up with a double sermon... What really is Tzara'at and quarantine... 
The only reason Bernie wasn’t talking is because he fell asleep. The Kiddish Club left in the middle of Shelishi… There are seven Aliyahs, Frank. They usually leave at the Haftorah… They thought it was the Haftorah already. That’s how slow... I couldn't quarantine Frank in the middle of his layning... A mask would've been wrong. To muzzle him...
 
Yes. Quarantining is the only way... This is when we have to kick you out of the camp… The raiding of the girl’s bunks last year at Camp Wichalom was something we don’t speak of. Mickey was already put on notice for taking your daughter's Pringles... We are talking about being kicked out of the community. There are people that should be kicked out of the community… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club...
 
There is a state where we are welcome to join the community in approaching H', purity/Tahara, and that is where this community fails… The back left is not welcome… I know we must speak of Shirley. She is old and single... Shaindel. That is fine. You can talk about her and how she messed up… I know it's for her good. It’s wrong to talk about others though... It’s annoying and we have to quarantine you if you talk... That corner. Quarantined... Bernie is now in quarantine. As of now, I am only speaking to the front left and back right...
No more Lashon Hara. This shul is afflicted... Frank afflicted us with a very long Torah reading...
 
People learn from metaphors and analogies: We'll call it Ms. Kandell and Mrs. Shlomintz.
Ms. Kandell has a boyfriend and Mrs. Shlomintz is married, happy, with kids, not alone, knows how to cook, not sinning.... We see that the person in the state of Tumah/impurity, Ms. Kandell, cannot approach the temple...
 
There are times where people are invited to be part of the congregation and times when they don't pay dues... No. But they should get leprosy for that... When somebody gets Tzara'at... a kind of leprosy which is not leprosy or is- if that helps, they are quarantined.
What is Tzara'at?
In the Talmud (Arachin 15b) it takes the word Mtzora (leper) and teaches that it comes from somebody who brings out bad; they teach that means speaking slander. There are other reasons for leprosy, however we will focus on Ms. Kandell. She talks a lot… the whole service…  This is why you kick people... They interrupt. An interruption affliction... It is for this reason we quarantine. Because they are not fit for being around other people… If somebody talks Lashon Hara, but the slander is entertaining, they draw people... Huge circles of people come to enjoy... I don't know if they are afflicted or not. They are definitely not quarantined... Because they are entertaining...
Ms. Kandells will… She does need to get a bit of a tan. No rabbi should have to be looking at pale congregants… It causes Lashon Hara… No. You can't quarantine them because of a bad hair day... That's not Tzarat... People should be kicked out… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club... Yes. Michael is quarantined until he gets a haircut...

(Vayikra 13:5) The Kohen ‘closes off’ the afflicted… Our Kohen needs to do more... He barely duchins. Never praises us... His hands are very dirty. I have a feeling the Leviim don't do their job either...
You first have to close them off. Send them outside the camp… You can get a tan in the wilderness…
Unlike the woman who is impure for giving birth for an extended period. The one with Tzara’at is ‘closed off.’ You have to separate them.
We are going to separate that section over there… Ms. Kandell is talking to Mrs. Rotstein now. You have to be separated. Mrs. Shlomintz just got back. She’s joining too. Quarantine that area… The whole area of the shul is cut off… People who aren't fit to be part of the congregation are quarantined... Michael is afflicted with too much hair. We are quarantining him... Dr. Frank Felsenman, long layning. Afflicted...
No. Masks don't count for quarantine... If you put on a mask, it is not considered quarantined...
 
After birth, a woman sits for 33 or 66 days in her purity, before being pure… 40 and 80 days of impurity... She is not pure because she is pure... It's a purity thing... Yes. The Friedbaum family are sinners... Having kids... Have you seen junior congregation... Even when you do good, you have to sit in that purity and repent... The purity feels disgusting. Ever sat in purity? Exactly.
I want Karen to think about the Bikur Cholim committee. Visiting the sick? Everyone of you is a sinner. How many people did you wake up?... Giving Tzedakah? Charity. Great. Good for you. Sinner. A bunch of sinners... Donating to the shul. Giving of your life to the congregation? Sit in that purity for a good six years. Look what that kind deed got me... I'm still thinking of how being a spiritual leader turned into my sin. I am definitely asking for atonement for this... Shame. Shame on you all for sitting in purity... And let's say an older person needs to sit...

We are afflicted and then what?
(Vayikra 12:8) ‘The Kohen shall atone for her, and she shall be pure.’  After birth, the woman is only fully pure once she brings atonement. Did Karen bring a donation to the shul after she gave birth? She took a lot of gifts from the Bikur Cholim committee... You don’t bring your atonement to the Gap. Even if the you don’t like the onesie the Silverbergs got… I understand you wanted to return it. We are talking about minimum donations for atonement… You keep a gift.  Yes. The red onesie is an atonement. 
If there is atonement for giving birth, you must definitely atone for... Frank should feel bad. Because of Frank, you can see the Kiddish Club did three shots today… They were double shots Frank… It’s Shabbis, and somebody has to apologize for killing my Shabbat afternoon sleep… Now it’s a nap... We can't have a designated driver for the Kiddish Club... It's Shabbis Frank...
Even in a mitzvah, you have to find the purity. The goodness. And atone for the goodmess. That's how guilty a Jew should always feel... Because it ruins my Shabbat afternoon, Frank...  

Atonement for the good deed of giving birth… You need atonement before we can let you into the community. After Shabbat, this community is excommunicated until everybody does something to improve their skin… Ahava products only… There will be an Ahava sale on Monday. Shmulik and Yasmin, from Israel, will be giving half off at the Ahava cart at Wimbly Market to members of Beis Anshei Emes Sefilah...
 
And no more talking in shul. It’s considered Lashon Hara to talk during the Rabbi’s sermon…
 
Dr. Felsenman is the cause for Lashon Hara... He did the Mitzvah of reading, and now he has to sit in his purity. Think about the good he did for the congregation… Atone by reading faster...
The Kiddish Club came back for the Haftorah. You see. They tailgated my sermon because of you…
 
It was a beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut. And now, here is our guest speaker… 

Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
It was a very long layning. I felt like I was at a Bar Mitzvah. I haven’t been to any Bar Mitzvahs for the past three years. They take too long. I show up to wish Mazel Tov though.
I think everybody in the shul was placed in quarantine this week. That hurt with the daily Minyin. Mr. Felsenblum, had to go to Saint Louis for Kaddish, daily.
He was very fire and brimstone this week. I believe he quarantined the falafel balls too.
The rabbi has been doing what he can to fight against the alcohol. He started an AA meeting during the Haftorah reading, but the Kiddish Club got more people. 
The bouncer at Kiddish Club was a bit much. Having a big guy kicking Jews out of shul had some of the elders of the congregation a bit scared. Bernie didn't even show up for his atonement meeting.
The shul also decided against the gang the rabbi hired to do security, due to protests of anti-Semitism. The rabbi's progressive thoughts turned for the worst. He should've allowed them to racially profile. Seeing Shloimy have to take off his jacket, being that Timbo and Mad Dog thought he was packing under his bekisha was a bit overboard. Then to see Mad Dog throw him out of shul to set an example... I think the Jews of the shul got the lesson, and started thinking twice before coming to services.
Speaking of anti-Semitism, the Gap did complain that Jews return too much.
It turns out that the rabbi was doing Shirley (Shaindel is her name that makes her parents proud) a favor, as she had a bad case of vitiligo. Many people accused the rabbi of being in cahoots with Shmulik and Yasmin, as part of their Ahave hand cream sales technique is to put down people's skin texture.
The rabbi separated the section. In the middle of the Sermon, he separated the whole shul and added another Mechitzah, which led to a whole protest from the women's section, claiming they are not all impure.
The Israeli speaker only spoke for three minutes. His allotted time was taken up by the rabbi and Frank. The congregation was very happy with the eight thousand dollar honorarium for Yom HaAtzmaut. They decided that next year they will pay ten thousand dollars for somebody to come in and not speak. 
There was no birth in the congregation for the next ten months...

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is coming up this week. Brachot!!!
There are many ways to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut. In Israel, some throw confetti. Some take white foam and shpritz others that will not appreciate it. I take the white foam cans from the children and whack them with it.
The one tradition that all Israelis share is the BBQ at the Park. Saying the Hallel prayer of thanks, waving Israeli flags, and Israeli dancing are not practiced by all. All Israelis agree on eating. So, if you want to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut like an Israeli, here’s how do the BBQ:

Make a Mangal
The Known as Mangal, the Israeli BBQ, is tiny. Israel is a small country, and therefore we cook on a BBQ that is too small to cook on. It is traditionally the size of a matchbox. If it can fit both a hotdog and chicken wing on it at the same time, it is too big.
You can find these contraptions for outdoor cooking in Israeli grocery stores, such as Super, Giant, Mega, Great, Huge and Gadol, and any other name for extremely big. These supermarkets will also provide you with the necessary food items for the family, such as 50 gram bags of family party size Doritos.
To add to the full feel of a holiday, yell at the family. The Mangal allows for great addition to the holidays spirit by yelling at the kids. If they complain, you can respond with, ‘You just had half a hotdog an hour ago. Think of the other people for once!’ Then justify the lack of production, by having people think you are cooking with a crockpot, with sentences like, ‘It is time-cooking, takes time.’ This statement works perfectly with an Israeli accent.
To make it a fuller Israeli experience, talk with as much of a lisp as possible. You should also remember to pronounce every silent letter that is not supposed to be there, such as the ‘e’s in ‘people.’
Remember, holidays are about memories, not enjoyment.

Do Not Eat Falafel
No real Israeli eats falafel on Yom HaAtzmaut. We are celebrating freedom on this day. We are not celebrating the fact that we are located in the Middle East. We are trying to forget that today.
I understand that your diaspora community serves falafel on this day, but we Israelis celebrate Israel. We are not celebrating extreme uses of oil today. We do that on Chanukah.
Shawarma is fine, as it reminds people of Israel

Purchase Chicken Dogs
It's most impossible to find beef dogs in Israel. The chicken dog tradition is because we should not enjoy ourselves too much. We must always remember the destruction of the Temple, and not having beef hotdogs is a good reminder.
I don’t get it. But that seems to be what people do in Israel. The fact that they look like beef dogs before they are cooked, adds something to the holiday. Again, I do not understand how people are satisfied with this lack of enjoyment; but the Temple was destroyed, and I remember how beef dogs taste.

Wave at the Fire
The number one Israeli tradition on Yom HaAtzmaut is to Nifnoof. Nifnoofing is the way to keep an Israeli mangal going. The correct Nifnooging practice is to find a piece of cardboard in the trash at the park. Then, you wave at the fire in hopes that it won't stop, by greeting it.

Have At Least Men Working on the Mangal
You want to cook in quorum form, as it is communal experience.
The most manly act, know to man, is BBQ or Mangaling. If you, as a man, see another man there, you want to make sure to claim your spot near the Mangal. Even if you have no Nifnoofing implement, you can still stand there and wave, or talk. Talking by the Mangal also shows your manliness, also known as being a Gever. Note: You don't want to be talking near the salads. Though, talking near the salatim, dips, is acceptable.

Do Not Use an Electric or Gas BBQ
That is too easy. All good Jewish holidays need preparation and cleanup. You just finished Pesach, you should know this.

Go to the Park & Occupy It
Don’t just do the BBQ. Go to a crowded park and share in what the world calls the occupation.
Bring chairs. When practicing the occupation, you want to be prepared with comfort. A lot of families like to bring couches and tables, so that the other people know that they are moving there. You might want to put together a moving team to help with your refrigerator.
It is almost impossible to find a place in the parks on Yom HaAtzmaut. After searching for 5 hours you will find many dads protesting, ‘We have found a spot, we are not leaving… I can care less if you are tired... We still have to get the second chicken dog going on the Mangal...’ 
If the park is closed this year, to show solidarity, you can pull out a bed and box-spring to your lawn.

Bring a Portable Speaker to the Park
This will allow you to connect with the modern Israeli tradition of playing the music you like extremely loudly. This also helps with claiming your spot in the park. Many families come to overcrowded parks, walk around blasting Netta Barzilai, and space opens up.
You can do this by blasting your own Uncle Moishy with your subwoofers. Blasting that out of the back of your car will definitely chase everybody else out of the neighborhood.

Cook on The Ground
When you do a Mangal, you want to connect to the land. Israel is holy land, and we therefore connect to it when we eat. You still eat at a table. You're not an animal.

So, take over the park or your front lawn. Hang that Israeli flag (if you're in America, don't hang an American flag- Americans will protest that). Blast that Jewish music you love, maybe some Shteeble Hoppers, and get the Hebrew pumping in your veins. Try to find some chicken dogs at some discount store, make that BBQ a Mangal, and wave at it like a good Nifnoofer. Your neighbors might even think you're saying 'Shalom' to them, and start to like the Jews.
​Remember: It's Independence Day, and as any good American, we Israelis celebrate with a BBQ.

This is my rabbi's sermon from last year. He is great and I love how he is the only rabbi who always gets mad at the congregation, because he loves them. They need the Musar (moral lessons). The lack of decent Kokosh cake that the rabbi was talking about might have had something to do with his decree that you can't bake within two weeks after Pesach. How cake was made without baking is a question we still have for our baker. The rabbi always gives a long sermon after Pesach. I think he's just very frustrated about all the cleaning he had to do. I had to cut some of it out. It was fire and brimstone this week. It felt like the rabbi was blaming the congregation for the death of Nadav and Avihu.

My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
​Shabbat Shalom
 
On the eighth day of the inauguration of the Mishkan (Tabernacle), Aaron is commanded to bring a calf for a sin offering (Vayikra 9:2). Who here should be bringing a sin offering? Who is at fault? Well, let’s see who showed up to shul late today. Michael is just comi- is he coming in now? Michael keeps growing that hair… Is he a Nazir?... I know he’s a teenager.
When you put out a really bad Kokosh cake and then you sell it at your local bakery, you are at fault... When Mrs. Rotstein's daughter dresses... Karen, please stand up so that everybody in the congregation can see what I am talking about... Shame. OK. Sit back down. I don't want to embarrass...
 
Rashi teaches this calf is to be brought, to show Aaron that this will be an atonement for the Golden Calf. We are speaking of atonement. Am I asking for much? Just a bit of atonement. Atonement for your sins. When I go to the Goldberg’s, should they not offer their guest a decent piece of brisket? Just a question…
 
Aaron was considered to have taken part in the Golden Calf, as he was the leader. Kind of like when your kids roam the halls and then run into shul in the middle of the rabbi's sermon. Can somebody please remove Chaim from the lectern?... You're his dad. Take him away. You are his leader...
 
H' gave Aaron the opportunity to atone for his sins. We all have these opportunities. I would like to take this opportunity to ask forgiveness for taking this job. Worst decision I ever made. I didn’t realize that Bernie would be talking in the middle of every one of my speeches… You can stop… First time he hasn’t interrupted and… I thought you were doing atonement, Bernie… Asking me for forgiveness in the middle of my sermon is not atonement. Taking this job was a bad decision.
Feinblum’s should be giving out whipped cream with their Kokosh for the next two weeks. Pareve…
Now is not the time Mrs. Rotstein. Why were you not working out?
 
He's hanging from the Chumash. Can somebody please remove Chaim… Chaim. This isn’t the hallway. You don’t jump on it.
 
However, none of you in this congregation take those opportunities. Do you? Do you?! Do you?!!.... Did the rabbi get the new home you were supposed to buy him? In order to atone for the sin of not giving him a raise?!
“A prosecutor does not become a defendant.” We learn this from our rabbis. This is the reason the Kohen doesn’t wear gold in the service… Because we messed up with the Golden Calf... No. Our Kohens don't wear gold because they're cheap... This isn't the Temple. You can pay dues... This is the reason that we don’t do Yoga in shul… Why is Karen wearing that?... This is why nobody on the board is allowed to read from the Torah.
 
We can turn that hateness around. We see that the women donated their jewelry to the Mishkan, so as to use the supposed bad for holy reasons (Exodus 35:22). There is good in this shul. Sorry. There is hope for good in this shul. We can bring that offering to atone.
Turn it around. Turn your child into a person who has goals, unlike... Turn the Kokosh cake into a babka. Turn the… Shul clothes. This isn’t LA Fitness… Can somebody donate a skirt to Karen… A mitzvah.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The Kokosh at Feinblum’s Bakery was dry this week. Without question, it is a huge problem. Karen should not have come to shul dressed in her gym clothes. Her family usually drives and we don’t say, but nobody knew that they show up late to shul every Shabbat because of a Pilates class. Parents have to take responsibility for their children. Not one of the kids in the shul has paid dues; yet, they still expect a Bar Mitzvah. That’s chutzpah.
The board decided on a dress code later that week, where they rewrote the bylaws to read, “All members must wear a suit to shul. This does not include sweatsuits.”
Rabbi Mendelchem is such a kind man. When he told Karen to sit back down, you could see his kindness. By the way, Mrs. Rotstein should be working out with her daughter.

When the rabbi repeated “Do you?!”, he was looking at Sadie. Sadie is a sweet lady of 87 years. I don’t know what sin she did in her past. The rabbi definitely had Sadie soul searching. Her memory is in good form, B"H.
Michael’s hair is very disturbing to the congregation. Now it’s colored neon green.  It's just hard to concentrate with his hair. Though, he did take the rabbi's decree to keep safe when walking back from shul at night to heart.
The board members started a breakaway Minyin, service, that week. I had never seen a rabbi so happy to see a shul split.

Coronavirus has affected Israel just like many other countries around the world. We pray that the 14 day quarantine for travelers ends soon, so Jews around the world can get back to eating decent shawarma.  
This has of course been devastating for the Israeli tourism industry. But we Jews must always look for an opportunity to see the good in difficult times. We must see the positive. We must always see the blue and white lining. So here is what Israel is like without tourists:

People Are Starting to Speak Hebrew
I saw no tourists and witnessed something of amazement. People were speaking Hebrew. Hebrew was the main spoken language in the country. even in Jerusalem.
Store owners are so relieved to have a break from trying to speak English. And I am relieved to finally understand what they are saying. It made no sense in English.
Nobody in the shuk said 'My friend,' or 'My friends' when only talking to me. One proprietor finally spoke to me in Hebrew. He said, 'You're not getting a good deal. I am ripping you off.' I was relieved not to hear his regular English, 'I give you deal. My friends.' This was the first time I returned to the US at peace with how much I spent at the shuk.

Falafel Shops Are Finally Charging the Correct Price of Twelve Shekel
Falafel is not being sold at 40 shekels anymore. The shuk shopkeepers are even showing prices on their products. They’re not making up prices depending on your accent.
Note to Tourists: Due to the coronavirus, the falafel shops are finally clean and the tourists are missing this. The pita loader guys are cleaning their hands after they cough. Coughing in the air with no mouth covering, and sneezing openly, is still happening. I don’t believe we will ever be able to stop that in Israel. 
I feel bad for the tourists who are missing this new clean falafel. We might be coming on a new age falafel service prototype. If the tourists saw this no coughing into the falafel and weren’t served after the falafel guy sneezed into his hand, tourist falafel sales would go up. I hope it continues when the tourists are back.

People Thought Israel Was Attack
When we saw no tourists, we thought there was a war. But then we saw CNN and BBC weren't blaming us. 
We were happy to find out Israel was not under attack and the lack of tourists had nothing to do with anti-Semitism. If they find a way to blame the Jews for being the first contract the virus in China, we're in trouble. I don't know how they will do that, but they will find a way. A Jew might have visited Wuhan over the past forty years.

Every City Feels Like Beer Sheva
I love Beer Sheva. It’s so quiet. It’s like Israel’s suburbia. Now every city in Israel feels like Beer Sheva.
I hope I did my part just now, and more people will move down south. Helping Nefesh B’Nefesh along.
Cab Drivers Are Not Beeping
Beeping has been cut in half, as cab drivers have less people to initiate fares with.
Some people are still beeping. The lack of tourists can’t account for you getting cut off inline at the supermarket and lack of sleep because it was hard to figure out where the thermostat should be at. Honking at people still helps with those fights.
There has to be a bit of leeway on the beeping. We need someplace to get out our anger. That’s why people are still driving,

Some People Are Less Friendly
We're being encouraged not to shake hands. But some people in Israel are taking it a little farther. They see someone they know approaching them and they run to the other side of the street. The belief is that anybody walking has the virus. Otherwise, they would be taking the bus.
Once the tourists come back, I’m hoping the service people at the bodega near me will start saying “shalom” again. People have become suspicious of each other as if smiling will help us contract the disease. I wouldn’t mind being called “my friends” again by somebody who doesn’t know me. I miss it.

Not as Much Pushing
That's a positive in the more crowded areas. With nobody at the Kotel, I wasn't bumped by people trying to catch Barchu. At the Makolet, I had space inline. At the falafel shop, people weren't standing right on me. People aren't cutting me. They’re finally giving me space inline. I still got cut off at the supermarket. Distance doesn't happen there, as the virus never hit supermarkets. 
They're very conscious of distancing. At the protest, where they try to cause traffic and make people late, the people laying on the sidewalk and the street moved out of the way so that others could pass at a safe distance.
After all of this is over, I'm going to let everybody know I am sick. Wherever I go, I'm going to say 'I think I have a cold.' I don't know what buses are like right now, but I have missed out on getting my own seat too many times.

The Really Friendly People Are Fist Pounding
Israel has turned into a cool country. Even cooler, they’re elbow bumping. That’s the new cool way to say “shalom.” The elbow bump is sweet. I wish the tourists would be in on this and see this new way Israelis are greeting each other. The Holy Land would get an amazing reputation.

Security Is Better Than Ever
This is the safest time to be in Israel. Mass quarantine helps with security. 
Airport security has time to focus on the traveler right now. They’re checking every item in those bags. I’ve got to be honest. I never trusted airport security in the first place. Asking me if I’m smuggling stuff from America. They should know I’m smuggling stuff into Israel when I leave Israel with two empty suitcases.
Does security think I'm starting a luggage business in the US when I visit family?! I'm starting an electronics and cheap denim business in Israel when I get back.

Creating A New Business Model of Tourism
Being the savvy business people we are, Israelis still made money. We started running virtual tours, where you pay for a tour and don't go on it. 
Now, people are touring Israel from America, not coming to Israel, and paying. You can do a tour of the Kotel and not be there. You go to Eilat, virtually, and not get a sunburn. You go to your bathtub and save on the flight. Put salt in the bathtub, lay on your back. If your tub is not very deep, you're floating. If you feel a bit of a burn, you get the full Dead Sea Experience.Some tourists came even though they will be locked up for 14 days after arrival. They didn't want to miss the hotel experience. It’s the future of tourism. You still get to eat the huge Israeli hotel breakfast. Then you get two more buffets, daily. And there is no possible way of taking off any weight. You leave Israel with a tour and fifteen pounds of tourism on you.
I always wondered why half the Kotel tunnel tour was me sitting at a computer screen near the tunnels. They were forward thinkers.

Finally Visiting Cousins
Some tourists who already planned their trip and don’t have the money, now have to let the family know they’re in the country. They’ve got no choice -- they have to stay at cousin Shmulik for two weeks. That’s the vacation. Cousin Shmulik and Israeli TV. Until they needed a place to stay, cousin Shmulik didn't even know them.
You visit and now cousin Shmulik and his family are bonding with you, because they’re now quarantined by your visit too. 

Much of The Country Are More Packed Than Ever
Much of Israel is more packed than ever. I didn’t realize how much Israelis vacation. When we talk about tourism, we’re talking about Israeli flights to Hungary. That’s the main Israeli tourist market. Budapest is the one that is hurting from the Israel quarantine.

​It's not that bad. Israel is a country with so much character when tourists aren't around. The tourists should merit to see this.

I have the same questions every year. Feel free to ask them at the Seder, and interrupt the Mah Nishtana like I do.

Why are we not eating?
Why is the Dvar Torah (Torah commentary) going on? Doesn’t the Haggadah have a lot of these already? Why are we listening to Mike’s thoughts? The rabbis have been discussing this for two thousand years…?
Why are we not eating?
Why is my shirt stained?
Why am I sitting at the kids’ table?
I am 30 years old and single, I get it. Why am I sitting at the kids' table?
Why is he still talking and why has he not finished the Dvar Torah?
Why are we not eating? 
Why is it that every time you try to kasher the house you start a fire?
Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?
Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?
Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing the simple song, 'Mah Nitshtana'?
Why does this little kid not read Hebrew?
​Is Charoset really mortar? It doesn’t seem to work as a strong adhesive, or dry very hard.
Charoset stains too?
Why is there a toy in the middle of the floor?
If this Charoset is mortar, can that be the reason why most pyramids are not there anymore?
Is this another one of those schemes?
Why does Charoset stain too?
Why is my three year old nephew still awake?
Why do we not answer any of these questions?
Why are we not eating?
What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice?
Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes?
You burnt the neck?!
Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim (dips) on every other night?
Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise?
What is Kitniyot again?
What is a legume?
Why did you translate that Hebrew word into an English word that is harder to understand than the Hebrew?
Are eggplants also a legume? Can you make bread out of eggplants too?
Why are we not eating?
Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?
Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?
Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why are these kids still up?
If we are talking about knocking out the kid’s teeth, why are all these children still running around? Do they not take our threats seriously?
Why did my brother’s wife just tell her child that she has to go into timeout? Is that the alternative to knocking out the teeth?
Why does everybody laugh when we give somebody the ‘wicked son’ to read?
How many more people have something to share about the four sons?
Why is the little one leaning on me?
Do we read about the annoying son?
Can we talk about this child sitting next to me?
Is that the same Dvar Torah?
Why are these kids still up?
Is there anything about annoying parents?
Can you please wake me up when people are finished talking about the four sons?
Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?
Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah?
That just has to stop?!
We have been here for three hours. Are they considered the wicked son? Should we blunt out her teeth?
Did slavery last as long as these Dvrei Torah?
If we got out of slavery, why did we spend two weeks scrubbing the floors of our home, by ourselves?
When are we going to eat?
Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt?
Why did my aunt tell my cousin that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?
Ouch!!! Why did nobody move this Lego car?
Why are all of these random people at our meal? 
They never invited us?
Why is my cousin still yelling?
If she wouldn’t have been freed from Egypt, why did we free her from the table?
Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?
Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail?
Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?
Since when is food coloring considered blood?
Does blood stain like charoset?
My foot still hurts. Why does Lego hurt more than all other toys?
Is it the extra corners and little circles on the Lego?
How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!
What is a kazayit? Before I eat the matzah, I want to know- is it the size of an olive, egg or melon?
Why do I have to stuff the whole thing into my mouth within three seconds? Who came up with that amount of time?
How do you commemorate the death of the first born?
Why is my stomach hurting. I have only eaten half a piece of matzah?
Why did this child, we will call them the annoying child, take soup before me?
The house is not very clean. Did you try to cleaning this place with a feather?
If it is not fit for a dog to eat, it is not considered chametz. Does that mean that we can eat my roommate’s food?
Why is the light in our fridge never on?
Why are we the only family in the community that did not go to a hotel this Passover?
Why is nobody answering any of my questions?
Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Is it in our genes to eat anything within arm’s reach? Can't these people control their eating habits?
Why did Gd not command us that brisket is the only kosher meat there is, when mom never cooks anything else?
Is brisket the only kosher cut of meat?
If Elijah doesn’t drink that cup, can I have it?
Why does my foot still hurt?
I like bread made out of potato starch. If it is enjoyable, can I still eat that on Pesach?
Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed (intermediary days of the holiday)?
Are there other permitted activities for religious children, asides from the zoo?
Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?
Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?
I like the tune of the song ‘Who Knows One,’ but why the pop quiz?
I would have studied if I knew that I needed to know Thirteen. Is there a cheat sheet?
Does anybody know thirteen?
Why did nobody tell me that Matzah stains too?
Why am I sitting at the kids table?
Why are my nephews still yelling?
Why is the three year old still awake?
Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?
18k? Really. Why does this kid not know the 'Mah Nishtana'?

The next step in Simchas is here. Thanks to loosening restrictions, we have moved from Zoomchas, to Outdoorschas. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. What else doesn't roll off the tongue? Having a decent time with other people during COVID.
My brother and sister-in-law ran a beautiful outdoor Bat Mitzvah. It got me thinking how great it is to use a backyard. The backyard has been overlooked for many generations as the perfect place for a Simcha. Other than cutting the grass, most people never use their backyard. They might store a grill there. But they don’t use it. They have an oven in their house. 
Let me help you navigate your Outdoor Simchas during these times where you’re forced to not be allowed to spend $30,000 on a hall.

Save on the Beautician
The humidity is going to frizz up the hair and the makeup is going to run, so don’t bother. I also suggest that you not bother showering. It’s not that bad, as you will be six feet apart. Regarding the makeup, it’s not that bad as you should be standing far away from most people. As for the photographer, get him to focus on taking pictures of your beautiful backyard.

Enjoy the Air Outdoors
My niece’s Bat Mitzvah was the first Simcha where there wasn’t a family fight about the thermostat. This time, family fights were relegated to yelling about frizzy hair.

Phase Three Means You Can Come Close, But Not Interact
Nobody kissed or hugged. They just stared at each other awkwardly. Get used to that weird look. It means “Mazel Tov.”

Build a Huge Tent on Your Lawn
This way you’re complying with the rules and it is outdoors, but it is really indoors.
I went to one Simcha where they put all of their money into the food and there was nothing left for the tent rental. Big mistake. Most of the food got wet and the rest of it was brought inside. But nobody could come inside so they just stared at the food longingly through the window as the Bar Mitzvah boy tried to give his speech.

Rained Out
One Simcha I went to without tents had a rain delay. They told everybody that they were going to continue in an hour. I have never seen a Bat Mitzvah speech rain delayed. I thought it was a baseball game. One guy even said, “We’re calling it off for now. Come back later. She’s going to give two speeches.” He thought that coming back to the party enforced the double header rule. At least the Bat Mitzvah girl had a good attitude – she told me that she felt like she was at Yankee Stadium.

The Shmorg
The smorgasbord is about trying to look classy, eating while standing, with a slab of mustard on your tie, while engulfing pigs in a blankets and licking your fingers for the comprehensive taste. Now, you can look classier inhaling all the tiny hot dogs, standing outside, sweating drooling six feet away from your friends, and yelling over no music.

Social Distancing at Hors d'oeuvres Table
That is impossible. Everybody likes the pigs in the blanket too much. There is no six feet rule for hands attacking decent food.

Food Must Be Individually Packed
For safety, the food must be covered. Otherwise, all of the spittle from those taking the food while yelling at their friends across the yard, will land into the food you’re eating.
This whole social distancing makes me question why I ever went to a food court. It’s disgusting. All the sudden, now that we know of one virus, people sneezing around my dinner is finally considered wrong??!!

Finally the Grill is being Used
This worked real well for eight of the guests. The other two hundred did not get a burger.
Eight people were crowded around that thing the whole time. The grill only did six burgers at a time. Yet, they did not move.

Pictures at a Distance
Friendship pictures were taken of the girls standing six-feet apart. To note, social distance does not always look very friendly. I think when the Bat Mitzvah girl looks back at her pictures many years from now she’s going to wonder why her friends don’t really like her.

Speech Won’t be Heard
It’s outside. That’s fine. Nobody really wants to listen to a twelve or thirteen year old thank her parents while trying to connect it to the weekly Torah portion.

The Pictures Played on Screen
The most important tradition of the Jewish simcha is taking a photo album and then playing it on a projector to music from the eighties. It’s the middle of the day and it’s light outside? Don’t worry no one wanted to see those pictures anyway.

Hora Dance Around the House
Making a circle around the house can be a great way to celebrate. The bringing of the hands to the middle of the circle move might be hindered by the brick, but it can still be meaningful. Somebody lifted my niece on a chair but nobody could see it, as she was in the middle of the circle, inside the home.

Family Comes from Far
This is so thoughtful. Especially when you have family from Florida who have to quarantine for 14 days. Finally, when your kids go back to school Cousin Irene can pop her head out of the basement and say, “We just came to wish you a ‘Mazel Tov’.”

Organizing Tables is Easier
You don’t have to figure out who will sit next to who. You just sit families together and everybody is mad.

You Can Save on Floral Arrangements
Your backyard is an actual floral arrangement!
​
I was at one outdoor Simcha where they brought in lilies to match the flower patch in their backyard. They insisted that external floral arrangements are a necessary part of all Simchas. They even said their florist insisted in its importance. In the end, it was rained out.
My favorite part of the outdoor Simcha is that you can’t give gifts because of Coronavirus. At least, that’s the excuse I use. Some people gave gifts, but they clearly didn’t care about the health of the poor Bat Mitzvah girl. There is no way to sanitize cash enough for it to be correctly socially distanced.
As far as I am concerned, during Coronavirus, the saying couldn’t be more true, “Your presence is your present.”

We are voting again in Israel. This is only the fourth election for this election. If we’re lucky, there’ll be another election for this election.
In Israel we vote for parties who then decide if they want to join forces. They need to get 61 of 120 Members of Knesset to agree to form a government. Unfortunately, the only thing that these Members of Knesset will agree on is that we are probably going to have another election.
Here are some of the reasons why we Israelis vote a lot and love it:

We Love the Word “Coalition”
It sounds sophisticated.

We like Getting Text Messages from Politicians
Everybody likes getting texts. It makes us feel wanted. We don’t know these people, but it’s exciting to hear that beep and see that Bibi’s getting in touch with me again. He wants me to vote for him. He’s very needy, always texting me. I would block him, but I feel like we are bonding.
These texts are more exciting than the stuff I get from my friends. I just got one that said it’s a mitzvah to vote. My friends aren’t creating new Jewish laws. Only politicians can do that.

We Enjoy That Blue Memory Game Set
In order to vote we have to pick out the white cards that signify our party of choice from the blue case and put them in a white envelope and then into a blue box. We love this because it’s very Zionistic.
It’s also a fun game to try and find the correct letters of your party. They make it even more exciting by giving you letters to choose from that have nothing to do with the name of the party. It’s fun figuring out how a letter like “z” represents the Likud party.

We Need a Day Off
This is the country’s way of finally giving us a Sunday. For those who are unaware, Sunday is a regular work day in Israel and some Israelis (me) complain about this mercilessly. Israel’s way of a giving us a day off every five or six months is to let us vote. What are we voting for? Sundays.

Voting is a Holiday
It’s a festival. We love the joyous feeling. Every voting day people are nice. They say “shalom.” They give you stickers. They smile at you. I would vote every day if that meant that the guy working the bodega didn’t look angry when I went to pick up milk.
Who doesn’t love stickers?! You get a smiley with the name of the party with the politicians you hate. You get to walk around and wear the sticker and people say the Israeli adage kol hakavod (“all the honor) because they think you gave blood.
You know what I would love? Scratch and sniff stickers. Every party would have its own scent. Election Day would smell like a trip to the department store.

The Country is Accomplishing Stuff
This is actually the Israeli Peoples’ secret plan to keep the politicians from being involved in running our country. The government is finally doing something. When the government is not being run by people, they get stuff done. The garbage is being picked up. Construction around the country is at an all-time high. Another company with the name Maccabi was started. That’s how I judge progress in Israel, when another agency acquires the name “Maccabi.”
Once politicians form a Knesset, it’s over. They get their committees going. That’s how you halt progress, with committees. That’s how you end something good, you meet about it. Just ask your shul’s ritual committee.

We Believe Every Party Should Have a Chance to Win
We embrace the millennial ideology. Everybody’s a winner. The first time it was Blue and White. Last time it was Likud. We should get Kadima in there and give them another chance to be winners.

People Change Their Minds
Can you imagine if you voted once and that was it? I can’t. That would mean that my decision was final. I can’t take that pressure. It’s the same reason I can’t walk into an ice cream parlor. Too much pressure. There are too many choices. If I take the Butter Nut Supreme and it’s not a tasting spoon, I’m stuck with it. I don’t want to be stuck with my decisions.  
Politicians change their minds too. They were representing the Russian immigrants. Now it’s about lowering taxes. Then it was fudge brownie ice cream. Now they must vote on the comfortable Knesset seats. People lose their minds to get those things. They’re very plush.

Parties Have to Negotiate
Have you ever been to the shuk? Have you ever negotiated in the Middle East? Negotiations for a darbuka hand drum can take a good half hour. That costs anywhere from fifteen dollars to five hundred dollars, depending on how much time you have to negotiate. Now imagine you are negotiating for the soul of Israel or at least a much larger darbuka.
​These parties have to now join together on foreign policy and make decisions on domestic rules such as if Maccabi should be the name for everything in Israel. We don’t take this lightly.

We Like Second Chances
If second chances are good, shouldn’t third and fourth chances be better? Too many people make mistakes when voting the first time. They’re ill informed. Now, we get to vote again and again and make a mistake this time too, just a different mistake.

By the Time I Vote Again I Might Know What is Going On
I don’t know the difference between Likud and New Right or Labor and Kadima anymore. Truth: I just go into the booth and pick a white card with a letter on it. I have no idea what it means. It’s a Hebrew “Reish” and it represents “green.” There’s a Hebrew “Pei” and “Lamed” and that is the Israel is our Home Party. I really don’t know. I pick a different one each time. It looks like the memory game. I was never good at that game. And I was never good at Hebrew. I just hope my vote does not make a difference.
​
If anybody is giving out scratch and sniffs, representing Sundays and decent deals on darbukas, I am voting for them.