(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also has me thinking more when going down a flight of stairs.
To do repentance right, you want to make sure that you have a constant worry of death. And that is how you find happiness.
If you find yourself at a bar, as a religious Jew, always think of your friend choking on the peanuts. That will bring true joy. That and bringing up conversations of how we all die one day.

(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 320:9) You can walk on snow on Shabbat, even if your walking crushes it and makes water. Tell this to all the people that didn’t show up to shul last Shabbis. 

(Vayikra 19:17) “Don’t hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow...” I take this Mitzvah to heart and tell people off regularly.
I’m very good at telling people off. Sometimes I flip them the bird, to ensure I am fulfilling the commandment correctly. Especially when driving.

After Orlah (first three years when you can't eat of a tree's fruit), in the fourth year the fruit is Neta Revai and has Kedusha, holiness. If you live long enough you might be able to enjoy an apple.

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

Laws 1-4: Everything is made up of four things and then they die. That is science. Why I needed a whole year of high school chemistry to learn that is an anomaly.

Law 1: Everything comes from fire, wind, water and earth. Everything is formed from that. If you saw Captain Planet, you would know the fifth element is heart. And that is how you save the world. The Rambam didn't have sources like TBS. Just the Gemara. Which is why his facts may not have been a hundred percent correct.
 
Law 2: Fire and wind go up, and earth and water go down. Fire is hottest and dry earth is coldest. Fire is the lightest and earth is the heaviest. These four are the foundations of everything. That all makes sense, until it's in a plane. Modern technology can complicate the study of Torah a bit.
Everything has different extrapolations of these four, forming different beings and objects. ​And this explains how mermaids exist. This explains counterfeit coins. 
I studied ancient science. Ask me any question of any object and I can tell you the amount of what element is in it. "A cup full of water?" That is made up of a lot of water.
The four main elements combine. And they combine in different ways to make different beings. There are some people who just don’t look right. How too much wind can make for huge ears that don't match a face is a study in itself.
Some things have more fire, which is why they are warmer. Whereas stones are dry because they have a lot of earth. In some beings you'll see more cold. Like my ex.

Law 3: Everything, even gold and rubies, split back to the original values, and separates back to fire, wind, water and earth. To its foundations. 
So, is it really worth it to invest in gold? Is Mark Levin to be trusted in this case?

Law 4: Then why say by man that "to dust you will return." Because most of what he is made of is dust. Everything returns to its original source. Except for my sunglasses and my left glove. I can't find those. I have nice mitten for my right hand. Keeps it very warm.

Lesson: You will die. And you will become dust. And I have a mitten made of fire.

​Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that.
And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens.
 
(Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother.
“And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish.
Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags.
Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you.
 
(Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have.
Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law.

Laws 9-11: You think you know about the moon. The moon knows about you.

Law 9: Last thing to know about the planets is they are smart. So, planet shaming has to stop.
The spheres and stars have life to them. "They have souls, knowledge and intellect." They know Gd and they praise Him. And then we have to deal with a Chazin leading us in services, who hasn't talked to Gd one day in his life. 
They praise and glorify H' like the angels, according to their size and level. I have no idea exactly what this means, because I am not a planet. And I only made it to intermediate swimmers. The explanation seemingly given (in Peirush) is that they are constantly moving. In a sense, dancing. I’ll say, it is this dancing that allows them to praise H.’ And this is why Chasidim remind me of spheres. Plus, they dance in circles. 
I for one cannot say that the way the members of my shul walk around is actual dancing. What I saw on Simchat Torah was very out of shape people putting their arms on the person in front of them to brace themselves, in order not to fall. I did not see dancing or anything that resembled a prayer to H'. I did see people hoping their out of shape spouse doesn't get hurt.
So the planets are closer to Gd than us, and that should help you feel insignificant. I hope that inspires you. And their knowledge is greater than that of man. Which is why you never hear of a planet sharing a dumb idea in shul. You also don't see any of them on a committee.
To note, Peirush is a great name for a Peirush.

Laws 10-11: Gd created a type of matter that is not physical. When mixed with this matter, fire, wind, water and earth become what they are. Which is fire, wind, water and earth. Which is why I still have no idea what this matter is.
Unlike the spheres, fire, air, water and earth don't have a soul or knowledge, as they have predetermined movements, kind of like my math teacher who never smiled. 
Does this matter? Well yes. The matter does matter. Matter matters very much.
They have their ways, but they don't control them. They're not smart like the planets who are right now figuring out the cure for cancer.
We praise Gd for these forms of matter and what they produce, such as fire, snow and hail, as it is a constant reminder of Gd's might in this world. And they will ruin your home. They may not praise Gd, but they bring praise to Gd, especially on Lag BOmer, when you get a nice campfire and Kumzits singalong going. 
Don't feel bad for fire, air, water and earth. They don't know they don't have souls. Which is why I don't feel bad for that girl I broke up with years ago. Exactly. She has no soul.
They know not what they do. So, they are not chasing you. And this is why they are still fire, air, water and earth. If they had knowledge, they would've put together an insurance scheme.

Lessons: When you're learning laws, they are not always laws.
People who have a soul should take up expressive dance.
Respect the earth and recycle. Do what you can to protect the ozone layer. Move as much as you can, in praise of H,’ but do not use a car. Kills the atmosphere. And this is why religious Jews walk fast and are constantly running to do Mitzvot. It has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car.
I wasted all that time in school, reading those textbooks on geology the teacher gave me, when Saturn is so much smarter than her. And then I wasted time in chemistry. And astronomy. None of those books bring up the soul. Next time I take up science, I am going to stick to the Rambam. Science is spiritual.
Whenever you're down, just know the stars know a lot more than you. And that is science.

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. 
Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue.
Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally.

It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in.

​"Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important.
I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law.
Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy.

(Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams.
This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor.

(Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel.

(Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker.

Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times.
(19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun.
(19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural.
(19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season.
(19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner.
If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen.

And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door.
​
As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much.
Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul.

Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. 
On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel.

And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that.
​And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now.

This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.

We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul.

Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works...
I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head.

Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people.
The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. 
After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim.
To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’  This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah.
Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah.

It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast.
Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah.
It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day.

Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
 
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself.
Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much.
 
Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job…
It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there.

"If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously.

Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked.

Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn.
Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day.

The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects.
 
Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah.
Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon.
Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

Mother's Day just passed, though I got many Shaylas on the day. Many good Frum Jews were wondering if they had to honor their mothers. I thus feel it's important to bring you the history and Halachik discussion of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, Mother’s Day is not a Biblical holiday. It is not mentioned in the Torah. With that in mind, bathing is permissible.

The first Mother's Day celebration was held in 1908. Anna Jarvis thought to commemorate her social activist mother’s passing by forcing everybody else to honor their moms too. That’s what activists do. They have an idea and they make everyone else do it. She thought that showing respect for her deceased mother was the proper thing to do, so people pamper their living mothers. And thus, Mother's Day began, in a church.
Jews were relieved to hear this was a Christian thing. To quote Yankel Simcha Ben Baruch Avramel, "B"H. If my mother ever heard about this Mother's Day thing, she would make dad cook that night... H' Yishmor. His brisket. We shouldn't know of such things."

Not long after, in 1908, Jewish mothers heard about this. It doesn't take long for Jewish mothers to hear about stuff. They talk. The conversation was, "What? You don't have a day for us?!" And Mother's Day became a Jewish thing.

Ruchel's kids told her, "Mom. Every day is Mother's Day." Ruchel was not happy with that, and responded, "Is this Mother's Day you speak of a day where I have to make the beds and clean the dishes?!"
"But Mom. We do Kibud Av vEim, honoring our parents, every day." To which Ruchel let them know, "Then. You're doing a very bad job." And she went on to list how many times they haven't taken out the trash.
After chastising her children for not fulfilling their requirements, they decided that they would have Mother's Day. And so, every Sunday Ruchel Heimowitz and here family celebrated Mother's Day. And Ruchel finally had a day where she didn't have to think about her kids.
Originally, the goal of Mother's Day in the Jewish community was to give mothers a chance to forget they had children. Ruchel's friends all thanked her and said, "Mother's Day should be every day. Mrs. Finkelman will do the carpools." Mrs. Finkelman was not able to convince her family that this Mother's Day was a good idea.
Jewish kids started riding bikes on Sundays, and thus we have a whole generation of non-religious Jews.

In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made it a law. He proclaimed Mother's Day a national holiday. And this is why he is now known as Rabbi Wilson. He deciphered Halacha on behalf of America, and he put together brilliant Responsa.

The discussion of this new law made it to the Rabbis. They had already nixed Thanksgiving in preference of having turkey on Friday night.
Rabbis discussed President Wilson's proclamation. Pilpul began. "Should we?" "Should we not?" Those two questions went back and forth for two and a half hours, before somebody suggested that there should be an attempt at an answer.
Reb Nachum said, "We must honor mothers." To which all of the rabbis said they did. And it turned out, none of them called their mothers that day.
Reb Mendel asked, "But is it truly a holiday? Can we add holidays?" Reb Shmuly answered, "We added Chanukah." To which Reb Mendel explained, "We had nothing to do with that." Many of the rabbis were bothered by Reb Mendel's statement, as they took credit for starting Chanukah in 164 BCE. To quote Reb Shmuly, "I was there. Man."
Reb Nosson said, "But we have to get gifts on Chanukah." Reb Nachum replied, "Then we should buy our mothers gifts." And his Smicha was revoked by the husbands who were present, in fear they would have to buy their wives more jewelry.
After much back and forth amongst the rabbis, as to whether women were important or not, it was decided Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law. To which Reb Baruch said, "My wife's name is Dina." Which had nothing to do with anything.

The rabbis thought to call it Wife Appreciation Day. However, that would definitely require them to buy more jewelry. All rabbis were afraid to support the idea of showing appreciation to their wives, as there is no commandment for them to purchase necklaces, and they saw what happened to Rabbi Nachum. To quote Rabbi Nosson, "I get my wife clothes. That's my requirement. I don't appreciate her. I married her. I am living with her. Ganuck. That's enough." Due to the fact that husbands were making the decision, Wife Appreciation Day never took off. To this day it is still Mother's Day.

Ruchel Heimowitz was not happy with this new law of Mother's Day. Now, her every Sunday turned into once a year. And now, the rest of the year American children yell at their mothers in public, and hit them when they refuse to buy them LEGO.
Yet, on Mother's Day, it is tradition to honor your mother and to allow her time to relax and take a bath. And they can finally go out, one day a year, and talk with their friends not full of filth.

And now, on the second Sunday in May, every year, we celebrate women. And the rest of the year, B"H, we don't have to worry about Kibud Av vEim.
And that is how we have men cooking in homes. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.

Lessons of What Followed
Rabbi Nachum was happily married to his wife for seventy-three years. His wife had much jewelry and he was broke the whole time.
From 1914 on, being that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national obligation, Ruchel's kids started taking out the trash once a year.

We finish getting rid of Chametz before Pesach by Bitul, nullifying it and saying it is the dust of the earth. That part does not get your house cleaner. People still see the dirty kitchen. You can't just say, "It's not there. I Bituled it. Nullyfied. Grease on the wall is not there. Bituled. If you see anything, like cookie droppings on the floor, it's dust of the earth." The guests will still notice the dust ball. You can't start telling people, "That Challah over there. That's just dust." It's not a magic trick of "Wallah. Not there anymore. Grape juice stain?! Gone. Don’t even see it. All I see is dust." I've seen some of your homes. Rabbinic cleaning does not suffice for sanitation.
I’m never hiring a rabbi to clean my house again. That was a scam… Whoever came up with this Halacha was trying to get out of helping around the house.

You must search and destroy Chametz. And people think Frum Jews don’t go to war. Put Chametz in front of them. See what happens to the leaven. They will attack. It's a command... It's not a joke. They're using military grade. Get close to oven Shpritz and see what happens.

(Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember.(Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. So we remember that by getting grape juice all over our clothes. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts all over the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over their button-downs.

(Shulchan Aruch OC 261:2) Some say we must add time from weekday to Shabbis, known as Tosefet Shabbat. This gives us more time to eat and get heavier. There is not always enough time to eat a full eight pound brisket over Shabbis proper. Or you can add less. As long as you add some time to Shabbat. The Shulchan Aruch could've started with this. I wouldn't have protested this idea of adding onto a twenty-five-hour day if they started with "you just can't start Shabbat after Shabbat started." The twenty-five-hours is enough adding onto not watching TV. It would be good to know who the rabbis were that said you can do less. They would've had a lot of supporters.
Rama says you can start Shabbat from Plag HaMincha (one and a quarter Halachik hours before sunset). Some people will do anything to get out of work. This is what holy people do. They add onto Shabbat and they don’t work. Because they love H'.

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.”

We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold.

The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up...
They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul.
If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship.
You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it...

You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?!
You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's  about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president...

Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism.
What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri.
It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. 
You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money.
AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist.

It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze...
Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah...
Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading...
Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?!
Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul...

You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is...
It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European....

The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants...
(Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas.
People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew.
Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..."

Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids...

When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing.

Rivka's Rundown
Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. 
The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals.
The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical.

The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up.

I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up.
The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold."

Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. 
"Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.”
Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi.
Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard.

The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there.
The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter.

What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty.
Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it.

Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. 
There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!"

The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Many Poskim consider snowball making Asur on Shabbis for reasons of building or crushing. And injury that will happen to you if you hit me with one on Shabbis... A lot of anger goes into the formation of Halacha. This is how the modern Posek renders Jewish law. That’s how I learned it.
 
Some say that even on minor fast days, a Baal Nefesh should start the fast the night before. Those rabbis lost their jobs.

Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.

(Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 1:1) When you wake up, the first thing you should do is place Gd in front of you. You’ll act differently when you place the King of all kings in front of you. If you were doing this right, you'd be sleeping in a suit. Possibly a cloak Maybe a tunic, out of respect. But you're a heretic… This law is not meant for idolaters. Placing little Ken and Barbie dolls in front of your bed defeats the purpose here and it's awkward, even if they are expensive. Even placing a bunch of moisturizers or shoes in front of you, when you wake up, is wrong. The only thing that makes sense is to place Gd in front of you. Anything else, and there's a good chance you'll trip. You might even hurt your feet, especially if you place Lego in front of you.

Laws 11-12: You will never get it.

This stuff of mysticism and understanding H’ and what happens after death should only be taught to one person. This is known as the Doings of the Chariot (Ma'aseh Merkavah in Yechezkel). Right there. I think that's all you need to know. What the Ma'aseh Merkavah is, is not relevant. The extent of your knowledge is knowing that there is something called the Ma'aseh Merkavah. We can now move on.

The person you teach this secret deep stuff to has to be a wise person. And you share very little with him at first. You start with little secrets like, "I'm going on a trip to Florida." Test them, before the real secrets, like how you're telling the boss that your sick. You don't want to share this stuff with tattletales.
We all know what problems happen when you start getting too mystical in public. People start believing and those people are weird.
I've never met a crazy person who didn’t like mysticism. It's a good thing that somebody has to have some knowledge first. It helps stop homelessness.
If it wasn't for this fence of only teaching it to one person who's wise, too many people would be "connecting with Gd." We would have a lot more people closing their eyes during Davening. The rabbis were trying to limit the number of people with eye closing Kavanah (intent) in shul. Davening would take way too long.

They're deep concepts and not everybody has the knowledge to comprehend them. Which means, not you. You have no idea what you're reading right now.
Shlomo Hamelech describes this knowledge as (Mishlei 27:26) "Lambs for your clothing." Lambs also means secrets. Such as secrets that are only for certain people. Not you. Just wanted you to know you're getting left out.
In Mishlei 5:17, Shlomo HaMelech teaches, "They shall be for you and not for others with you." Shlomo could've just said this one and left out the one from chapter twenty-seven,  but everybody understands this one. Hence, he had to use the metaphor of the lamb, so that you wouldn't understand that you can't understand it either.

Shir Hashirim teaches (4:11) "Like milk and honey under your tongue." I have no idea what that means either. Which is the way it should be.

Hopefully, next chapter will be something we can understand, and teach. I am sorry we taught you this. You shouldn't be learning what you were just taught.
We appreciate the Rambam starting Mishna Torah with two chapters of stuff we are too dumb to get.
Now I know it's not just my teachers that thought I was an idiot. If they thought I was smart, they would've taught me Ma'aseh Merkavah in third grade. Instead, they were trying real hard to get me to multiply with Popsicle sticks, and to read Rashi script correctly. They knew I was an idiot, and I would never understand what lambs clothing really means. I always thought it meant wool. Not a smart one.

The true story of why I became a Baal Teshuva, a repentant. Here is how it all began. Money. That's it. Lost the money.
Gambling is an issue. And I have it. I had it. I caught it. I got it. Every day, I fight it. I am broke. I'm good person and I am broke.
It's hard for me to open up about this. Thus, I'll need to go into a lot of detail. Which means I messed up. Anytime somebody goes into detail, they messed up. Stories where they make no mistakes are real quick. You've got to keep it quick, to stop before the messed-up part. Any story that lasts more than two pages, you see messed up. My whole story is messed up. So, I will share it in a long series of pieces.
I don't know if gambling is Asur, forbidden. I do know that stealing in order to gamble is Asur. Murder in order to gamble is Asur. Stoning people in order to gamble is also forbidden.

Before going into this, you should know there are so many good Jews that have been affected by this disease of addiction. You may not see them at shul, because they can't pay dues. They're also broke. Dues and then you get called up to the Torah and you think that's it. You finish with the Torah Brachas and they give you an envelope with the shul address on it. And in the envelope there's no free play.

How It Stated
I wasn't religious, which meant I had a lot of free time to ruin my life.
I was bored. I'm not going to lie. Living in Oshawa, Ontario, boredom is an activity. Which is why many people from Oshawa end up learning Torah. The lack of other stuff to do.
Other activities in Oshawa consist of sitting in your house during the winter and trying to keep warm while freezing. Hence, people in Oshawa love casinos and survival shows.

I was going through hard times, so I went to the casino. The casino is where you go when times are hard, so you can see other people going through hard times that aren't drunk. At the casino, people share their problems coherently.
I just got dumped by the love of my life, Shaindel Chana. The way she made Kugel, with the spinach inside. And then her Tzimis, how is one not to fall in love.
I can tell you, dumping me was Asur. I told her that the rabbis would forbid her from dumping me. That was the first religious Jewish decision I ever made on someone else's behalf. I think that helped my future decision to become a rabbi.

I found myself at the casino. I was hurt. I needed to escape, and I figured the best way to do that is to lose all my money.
When you're in Oshawa and the most exciting thing you can do is bowling with a ball too small to bowl with, escaping the hurt is hard. Bowling with a softball is not optimal for getting out hurt. And I got kicked out for throwing the ball overhand. Thinking it was a softball, I threw it at somebody. That helped ease my hurt a bit.

My Problems Were Gone at the Casino
I lost all my money. That took around eight minutes.
Once I lost all my money, I stopped thinking about my other problems. I was broke. 
Once you lose five-thousand-dollars that first week, you're not thinking about the love of your life anymore. You're thinking how you will be able to afford a date.

All I had to do was lose all of my money, and all issues in my life were gone. I was spending two-hundred dollars on therapy sessions, and I still had hurt and pain. I would come out of therapy thinking how Shaindel Chana broke my heart. If they would've charged two-thousand a session, I would've forgotten about Shaindel Chana, and I wouldn't have money to gamble. Some therapists don't know how to help.

It's A Mitzvah
I figured, it's a Mitzvah to visit the elderly, so I went to the casino. I thought I was showing respect to my elders by going to the casino. It's a Mitzvah to show respect to your elders. I figured I was running into more seniors at the casino than at the nursing home I was visiting.
So, I decided I should spend more time at the casino. And I stopped going to the nursing home.

I was losing money, so I kept on playing. And that is how gambling got me. A good young man. A kind young man who cares for his elders. A young man who loves other people. A young man who is now broke.

Lessons from the Beginning
I will do anything to justify my gambling addiction and why it's a good idea. I even found a way to turn losing all of my savings into something positive. I found a way to stop visiting the nursing home, so that I could do acts of loving kindness for our elders. I found a way to turn turn losing all my money into therapy. And it's all Shaindel Chana's fault.
Gambling makes me weak. I don't know if going to the casino is forbidden. I do know that dumping me is.
I also know that once I start doing something I will find a way to justify how it helps people. I gave up drinking. But I should note that drinking alcohol helps me be more friendly. I never once drank for myself. I drank to bring joy to others. I'm a giver.

Losing money turned into my therapy. And then I had more problems. Hurt and escape is how it starts. Then starts what they call "chasing your losses," or what I call "losing everything you ever had and your family."
I have no idea if gambling was fun or something I had to do. It was definitely my obsession. At that time, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. Not even Shaindel Chana's Lokshen Spinach Kugel.

Wait. I also lost my grandma who was living in our house. A woman I looked up to and was very close with. I forgot about that. That was real pain. She made a better Lokshen Kugel than Shaindel Chana.
It was even more painful to see how everybody dealt with her once she got sick. I was bothered by how shallow people could be, especially about money. Once she had dementia and couldn't change her will, family stopped visiting. That definitely had a lot to do with why I was numb to losing all that cash. I stuck around, and was there for grandma. I did whatever I could to get the inheritance.

And all of my other issues were gone. I didn't have enough money to worry about anything else. And that helped for a while. Until I realized I had no money. That took a few hours.
Now I was thinking, "I need another job."

I want everybody to know that no matter how much an addiction takes hold of you, you're worth it. You need to hear this. Your life is worth it. Probably not very much right now. You lost your money. But it’s worth it. Keep strong.
You may not get the inheritance. I got nothing. Which has people asking why I spent time with grandma. To quote, "Was it worth the gamble?!"
If I went into detail into that story, it would continue, "It's all about money."

Laws 9-10: H’ knows. Because He is Truth. No. You can't handle the Truth.

Law 9: Since Gd knows Himself, His greatness and His beauty. He knows all creation. He even knows what you're thinking. Which is, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
Nothing is hidden from Gd, which is why it's easy to blame Him. H' knows from the first formed stuff to the mosquito. And yet He still lets them bite you.

Law 10: H’ knows this truth as Himself.  As such, He knows all creation as Himself. He doesn’t view anything as outside of Him. H' sees it all through Oneness. Within. And you have the Chutzpah to have an ego. Everything revolves around you and you being the one that gets all the good meat out the Choolante pot. That's how I define a selfish egotistical person. Anybody who's scooping out all the good meat and Kishka from the Choolante. I couldn't come up with a better definition than that. I figured selfish Choolante scoopers would talk to everybody.
We see everything outside ourselves. I barely know myself. I'm still trying to figure out the placement of the different hairs on my arm and why they're there. The stuff coming out of the nose is not pleasant and I'm trying to distance myself from it. It's good to know it's outside of myself. I don't want to associate myself with this bald guy with nose hair.

If anything was outside of H', that would mean there's other gods. And that would make Davening a lot longer.
The lives are people are two. Confusing. Yes. It's confusing.
By man it says Chayei, "By the life of your soul." By H' it says Chai, "H’ lives" (Shmuel I 25:26). H' just is. One. It's not plural by H'. By us, it's two. It could be translated "lives of your soul." That's at least how I translate it.
You have no right to get all high on yourself, scooping out the Choolante, when there are others outside of you too. H' just is. It's not being high on Himself. If I could explain it, I would be arguing with the Rambam's point that we can't explain it. Which is why the Rambam spends all of this time explaining it.
He is knowledge. And we still spend all that money on college. That's the crazy thing here.

Since there is nothing outside of Gd, He knows everything because He knows Himself. And everything else is dependent on Him. We're not talking about you father-in-law paying for everything. We're not talking about you not getting a job, telling your father-in-law that Gd will provide. We're not talking about your father-in-law now thinking he's Gd. You like how I worked that?!
He is the Foundation. The First. Ever sing "Chad Gadya"? I love that song. Just wanted you to know. Great song. Great way to end a Seder.

Lesson: Mosquito bites are for oneness with H'.

Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
 
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone.
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year.
 
(Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it.
 
People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke...
You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous.

Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.

(Ketuvot 10b) One should live in Israel, even in a city full of heathens. This is why I’m a supporter of Tel Aviv. Point the rabbis were making is that anything is better than New York... And all of the sudden they're offended. Even with my support. And every American is asking, "What about Teaneck?"
 
You have to pay a Shadchan if the match works out. The rate is $1K, $1.5K, or $12K if you ask the matchmaker.

(Rambam- Avoda Zara 5:7) A false prophet who commands something Gd did not must be put to death (Devarim 18:20), even if he didn’t add to or diminish from the Mitzvot. Lesson: Don’t share new ideas, even if Gd told you. Don’t fall for that, or you will die.
And this is why I don’t share Chidushim. You will never hear an inspired novel Torah thought from me, because I don’t want to die through strangulation for an idea.

Law 4-8: There are Malachim and then there is you, and you know nothing.

Law 4: Everything in Tanach about Gd being a fire (Devarim 4:24), etc., it's all metaphor. Gd is not a fire. Please keep that in mind when cooking. You're not sticking a frankfurter in Gd.
Many are right now questioning their faith, as they thought Gd was a fire. An aspect of Gd could be in the fire. He could not be fire. He's definitely more than that. Maybe an aspect of H' is connected to it somehow. I don't know if Rambam would agree with anything I wrote there. I can tell you that Gd is not a fire.
The Torah isn't lying. Metaphors are not lies, once you know they’re a metaphor. I'm just happy the Rambam told us.

Law 5-6: There are different kinds of creations. One of them is my cousin.
​Man is physical and can therefore not understand H.' So, we spend our lives trying to understand H.'
Every creation, though, comes from the strength of His truth. The truth is that you are annoying. Even so, you are still a creation. As messed up as something may seem, it is a creation of Gd’s. Thin Tahini. The thick stuff is so much better. There's a H's truth right there.
Everything exists through the power of H' and His goodness. Each thing is spiritually higher or lower than the next. There is someone better than you. The Ramabm has a way of rubbing it in.

Law 7: From the non-physical creatures, Malachim, there are those that are in a higher realm than others. Even they're competing.
Lowest level of angels is 'Ishim' because they are close to man. They are the ones that communicate with prophets. That's how low they are. They have to deal with people. It's like a curse of being the lowest in the angel realm. And they’re dealing with prophets.
So, us regular people have no connection with the Malachim, which kind of kills the friendship I was hoping to foster with the ones in the middle realms. I figure that they want some contact with somebody too.
Could you imagine if they had to deal with the members of my shul. Those are the angels they’re picking on. The ones they're hazing. “Look at you, having to talk Pinchas down from attacking the Gabai. Maybe you can cry over not getting the ark opening job at shul. Seems to be a big worry. I’m going to be up here riding Gd’s chariot. Basking in Glory.”

Law  8: Malachim, angels, can understand H' better than us. But we still have to try to feel important. So, we talk about politics and sports.
Even the highest angels can't grasp H.' I hope you are catching on here. You have no chance, so learn Torah.
No one can know H' like He knows Himself. Most people don't even know who they are. I can tell you who they are, and I am not an angel. They are annoying.

Lesson:
What's the point. You will never know.
This is the least inspirational learning I have done. Even so, I feel closer to H' now.