Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.”

We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold.

The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up...
They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul.
If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship.
You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it...

You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?!
You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's  about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president...

Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism.
What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri.
It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. 
You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money.
AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist.

It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze...
Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah...
Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading...
Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?!
Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul...

You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is...
It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European....

The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants...
(Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas.
People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew.
Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..."

Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids...

When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing.

Rivka's Rundown
Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. 
The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals.
The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical.

The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up.

I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up.
The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold."

Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. 
"Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.”
Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi.
Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard.

The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there.
The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter.

What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty.
Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it.

Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. 
There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!"

The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Many Poskim consider snowball making Asur on Shabbis for reasons of building or crushing. And injury that will happen to you if you hit me with one on Shabbis... A lot of anger goes into the formation of Halacha. This is how the modern Posek renders Jewish law. That’s how I learned it.
 
Some say that even on minor fast days, a Baal Nefesh should start the fast the night before. Those rabbis lost their jobs.

Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.

(Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 1:1) When you wake up, the first thing you should do is place Gd in front of you. You’ll act differently when you place the King of all kings in front of you. If you were doing this right, you'd be sleeping in a suit. Possibly a cloak Maybe a tunic, out of respect. But you're a heretic… This law is not meant for idolaters. Placing little Ken and Barbie dolls in front of your bed defeats the purpose here and it's awkward, even if they are expensive. Even placing a bunch of moisturizers or shoes in front of you, when you wake up, is wrong. The only thing that makes sense is to place Gd in front of you. Anything else, and there's a good chance you'll trip. You might even hurt your feet, especially if you place Lego in front of you.

Laws 11-12: You will never get it.

This stuff of mysticism and understanding H’ and what happens after death should only be taught to one person. This is known as the Doings of the Chariot (Ma'aseh Merkavah in Yechezkel). Right there. I think that's all you need to know. What the Ma'aseh Merkavah is, is not relevant. The extent of your knowledge is knowing that there is something called the Ma'aseh Merkavah. We can now move on.

The person you teach this secret deep stuff to has to be a wise person. And you share very little with him at first. You start with little secrets like, "I'm going on a trip to Florida." Test them, before the real secrets, like how you're telling the boss that your sick. You don't want to share this stuff with tattletales.
We all know what problems happen when you start getting too mystical in public. People start believing and those people are weird.
I've never met a crazy person who didn’t like mysticism. It's a good thing that somebody has to have some knowledge first. It helps stop homelessness.
If it wasn't for this fence of only teaching it to one person who's wise, too many people would be "connecting with Gd." We would have a lot more people closing their eyes during Davening. The rabbis were trying to limit the number of people with eye closing Kavanah (intent) in shul. Davening would take way too long.

They're deep concepts and not everybody has the knowledge to comprehend them. Which means, not you. You have no idea what you're reading right now.
Shlomo Hamelech describes this knowledge as (Mishlei 27:26) "Lambs for your clothing." Lambs also means secrets. Such as secrets that are only for certain people. Not you. Just wanted you to know you're getting left out.
In Mishlei 5:17, Shlomo HaMelech teaches, "They shall be for you and not for others with you." Shlomo could've just said this one and left out the one from chapter twenty-seven,  but everybody understands this one. Hence, he had to use the metaphor of the lamb, so that you wouldn't understand that you can't understand it either.

Shir Hashirim teaches (4:11) "Like milk and honey under your tongue." I have no idea what that means either. Which is the way it should be.

Hopefully, next chapter will be something we can understand, and teach. I am sorry we taught you this. You shouldn't be learning what you were just taught.
We appreciate the Rambam starting Mishna Torah with two chapters of stuff we are too dumb to get.
Now I know it's not just my teachers that thought I was an idiot. If they thought I was smart, they would've taught me Ma'aseh Merkavah in third grade. Instead, they were trying real hard to get me to multiply with Popsicle sticks, and to read Rashi script correctly. They knew I was an idiot, and I would never understand what lambs clothing really means. I always thought it meant wool. Not a smart one.

The true story of why I became a Baal Teshuva, a repentant. Here is how it all began. Money. That's it. Lost the money.
Gambling is an issue. And I have it. I had it. I caught it. I got it. Every day, I fight it. I am broke. I'm good person and I am broke.
It's hard for me to open up about this. Thus, I'll need to go into a lot of detail. Which means I messed up. Anytime somebody goes into detail, they messed up. Stories where they make no mistakes are real quick. You've got to keep it quick, to stop before the messed-up part. Any story that lasts more than two pages, you see messed up. My whole story is messed up. So, I will share it in a long series of pieces.
I don't know if gambling is Asur, forbidden. I do know that stealing in order to gamble is Asur. Murder in order to gamble is Asur. Stoning people in order to gamble is also forbidden.

Before going into this, you should know there are so many good Jews that have been affected by this disease of addiction. You may not see them at shul, because they can't pay dues. They're also broke. Dues and then you get called up to the Torah and you think that's it. You finish with the Torah Brachas and they give you an envelope with the shul address on it. And in the envelope there's no free play.

How It Stated
I wasn't religious, which meant I had a lot of free time to ruin my life.
I was bored. I'm not going to lie. Living in Oshawa, Ontario, boredom is an activity. Which is why many people from Oshawa end up learning Torah. The lack of other stuff to do.
Other activities in Oshawa consist of sitting in your house during the winter and trying to keep warm while freezing. Hence, people in Oshawa love casinos and survival shows.

I was going through hard times, so I went to the casino. The casino is where you go when times are hard, so you can see other people going through hard times that aren't drunk. At the casino, people share their problems coherently.
I just got dumped by the love of my life, Shaindel Chana. The way she made Kugel, with the spinach inside. And then her Tzimis, how is one not to fall in love.
I can tell you, dumping me was Asur. I told her that the rabbis would forbid her from dumping me. That was the first religious Jewish decision I ever made on someone else's behalf. I think that helped my future decision to become a rabbi.

I found myself at the casino. I was hurt. I needed to escape, and I figured the best way to do that is to lose all my money.
When you're in Oshawa and the most exciting thing you can do is bowling with a ball too small to bowl with, escaping the hurt is hard. Bowling with a softball is not optimal for getting out hurt. And I got kicked out for throwing the ball overhand. Thinking it was a softball, I threw it at somebody. That helped ease my hurt a bit.

My Problems Were Gone at the Casino
I lost all my money. That took around eight minutes.
Once I lost all my money, I stopped thinking about my other problems. I was broke. 
Once you lose five-thousand-dollars that first week, you're not thinking about the love of your life anymore. You're thinking how you will be able to afford a date.

All I had to do was lose all of my money, and all issues in my life were gone. I was spending two-hundred dollars on therapy sessions, and I still had hurt and pain. I would come out of therapy thinking how Shaindel Chana broke my heart. If they would've charged two-thousand a session, I would've forgotten about Shaindel Chana, and I wouldn't have money to gamble. Some therapists don't know how to help.

It's A Mitzvah
I figured, it's a Mitzvah to visit the elderly, so I went to the casino. I thought I was showing respect to my elders by going to the casino. It's a Mitzvah to show respect to your elders. I figured I was running into more seniors at the casino than at the nursing home I was visiting.
So, I decided I should spend more time at the casino. And I stopped going to the nursing home.

I was losing money, so I kept on playing. And that is how gambling got me. A good young man. A kind young man who cares for his elders. A young man who loves other people. A young man who is now broke.

Lessons from the Beginning
I will do anything to justify my gambling addiction and why it's a good idea. I even found a way to turn losing all of my savings into something positive. I found a way to stop visiting the nursing home, so that I could do acts of loving kindness for our elders. I found a way to turn turn losing all my money into therapy. And it's all Shaindel Chana's fault.
Gambling makes me weak. I don't know if going to the casino is forbidden. I do know that dumping me is.
I also know that once I start doing something I will find a way to justify how it helps people. I gave up drinking. But I should note that drinking alcohol helps me be more friendly. I never once drank for myself. I drank to bring joy to others. I'm a giver.

Losing money turned into my therapy. And then I had more problems. Hurt and escape is how it starts. Then starts what they call "chasing your losses," or what I call "losing everything you ever had and your family."
I have no idea if gambling was fun or something I had to do. It was definitely my obsession. At that time, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. Not even Shaindel Chana's Lokshen Spinach Kugel.

Wait. I also lost my grandma who was living in our house. A woman I looked up to and was very close with. I forgot about that. That was real pain. She made a better Lokshen Kugel than Shaindel Chana.
It was even more painful to see how everybody dealt with her once she got sick. I was bothered by how shallow people could be, especially about money. Once she had dementia and couldn't change her will, family stopped visiting. That definitely had a lot to do with why I was numb to losing all that cash. I stuck around, and was there for grandma. I did whatever I could to get the inheritance.

And all of my other issues were gone. I didn't have enough money to worry about anything else. And that helped for a while. Until I realized I had no money. That took a few hours.
Now I was thinking, "I need another job."

I want everybody to know that no matter how much an addiction takes hold of you, you're worth it. You need to hear this. Your life is worth it. Probably not very much right now. You lost your money. But it’s worth it. Keep strong.
You may not get the inheritance. I got nothing. Which has people asking why I spent time with grandma. To quote, "Was it worth the gamble?!"
If I went into detail into that story, it would continue, "It's all about money."

Laws 9-10: H’ knows. Because He is Truth. No. You can't handle the Truth.

Law 9: Since Gd knows Himself, His greatness and His beauty. He knows all creation. He even knows what you're thinking. Which is, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
Nothing is hidden from Gd, which is why it's easy to blame Him. H' knows from the first formed stuff to the mosquito. And yet He still lets them bite you.

Law 10: H’ knows this truth as Himself.  As such, He knows all creation as Himself. He doesn’t view anything as outside of Him. H' sees it all through Oneness. Within. And you have the Chutzpah to have an ego. Everything revolves around you and you being the one that gets all the good meat out the Choolante pot. That's how I define a selfish egotistical person. Anybody who's scooping out all the good meat and Kishka from the Choolante. I couldn't come up with a better definition than that. I figured selfish Choolante scoopers would talk to everybody.
We see everything outside ourselves. I barely know myself. I'm still trying to figure out the placement of the different hairs on my arm and why they're there. The stuff coming out of the nose is not pleasant and I'm trying to distance myself from it. It's good to know it's outside of myself. I don't want to associate myself with this bald guy with nose hair.

If anything was outside of H', that would mean there's other gods. And that would make Davening a lot longer.
The lives are people are two. Confusing. Yes. It's confusing.
By man it says Chayei, "By the life of your soul." By H' it says Chai, "H’ lives" (Shmuel I 25:26). H' just is. One. It's not plural by H'. By us, it's two. It could be translated "lives of your soul." That's at least how I translate it.
You have no right to get all high on yourself, scooping out the Choolante, when there are others outside of you too. H' just is. It's not being high on Himself. If I could explain it, I would be arguing with the Rambam's point that we can't explain it. Which is why the Rambam spends all of this time explaining it.
He is knowledge. And we still spend all that money on college. That's the crazy thing here.

Since there is nothing outside of Gd, He knows everything because He knows Himself. And everything else is dependent on Him. We're not talking about you father-in-law paying for everything. We're not talking about you not getting a job, telling your father-in-law that Gd will provide. We're not talking about your father-in-law now thinking he's Gd. You like how I worked that?!
He is the Foundation. The First. Ever sing "Chad Gadya"? I love that song. Just wanted you to know. Great song. Great way to end a Seder.

Lesson: Mosquito bites are for oneness with H'.

Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
 
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone.
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year.
 
(Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it.
 
People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke...
You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous.

Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.

(Ketuvot 10b) One should live in Israel, even in a city full of heathens. This is why I’m a supporter of Tel Aviv. Point the rabbis were making is that anything is better than New York... And all of the sudden they're offended. Even with my support. And every American is asking, "What about Teaneck?"
 
You have to pay a Shadchan if the match works out. The rate is $1K, $1.5K, or $12K if you ask the matchmaker.

(Rambam- Avoda Zara 5:7) A false prophet who commands something Gd did not must be put to death (Devarim 18:20), even if he didn’t add to or diminish from the Mitzvot. Lesson: Don’t share new ideas, even if Gd told you. Don’t fall for that, or you will die.
And this is why I don’t share Chidushim. You will never hear an inspired novel Torah thought from me, because I don’t want to die through strangulation for an idea.

Law 4-8: There are Malachim and then there is you, and you know nothing.

Law 4: Everything in Tanach about Gd being a fire (Devarim 4:24), etc., it's all metaphor. Gd is not a fire. Please keep that in mind when cooking. You're not sticking a frankfurter in Gd.
Many are right now questioning their faith, as they thought Gd was a fire. An aspect of Gd could be in the fire. He could not be fire. He's definitely more than that. Maybe an aspect of H' is connected to it somehow. I don't know if Rambam would agree with anything I wrote there. I can tell you that Gd is not a fire.
The Torah isn't lying. Metaphors are not lies, once you know they’re a metaphor. I'm just happy the Rambam told us.

Law 5-6: There are different kinds of creations. One of them is my cousin.
​Man is physical and can therefore not understand H.' So, we spend our lives trying to understand H.'
Every creation, though, comes from the strength of His truth. The truth is that you are annoying. Even so, you are still a creation. As messed up as something may seem, it is a creation of Gd’s. Thin Tahini. The thick stuff is so much better. There's a H's truth right there.
Everything exists through the power of H' and His goodness. Each thing is spiritually higher or lower than the next. There is someone better than you. The Ramabm has a way of rubbing it in.

Law 7: From the non-physical creatures, Malachim, there are those that are in a higher realm than others. Even they're competing.
Lowest level of angels is 'Ishim' because they are close to man. They are the ones that communicate with prophets. That's how low they are. They have to deal with people. It's like a curse of being the lowest in the angel realm. And they’re dealing with prophets.
So, us regular people have no connection with the Malachim, which kind of kills the friendship I was hoping to foster with the ones in the middle realms. I figure that they want some contact with somebody too.
Could you imagine if they had to deal with the members of my shul. Those are the angels they’re picking on. The ones they're hazing. “Look at you, having to talk Pinchas down from attacking the Gabai. Maybe you can cry over not getting the ark opening job at shul. Seems to be a big worry. I’m going to be up here riding Gd’s chariot. Basking in Glory.”

Law  8: Malachim, angels, can understand H' better than us. But we still have to try to feel important. So, we talk about politics and sports.
Even the highest angels can't grasp H.' I hope you are catching on here. You have no chance, so learn Torah.
No one can know H' like He knows Himself. Most people don't even know who they are. I can tell you who they are, and I am not an angel. They are annoying.

Lesson:
What's the point. You will never know.
This is the least inspirational learning I have done. Even so, I feel closer to H' now.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

Law 3: There are three types of creations. Vegans are not one of them.

Three categories of creatures Gd created in His world. There are probably more, but they're not creatures. They're probably basilisks, minotaurs, centaurs and other taurs. Gd didn't create those. If it's in Dungeons and Dragons, that doesn't mean Gd created the creature. There might be a fourth Dungeons and Dragons category, but the Rambam was not privy in 12th century Cordoba. Though he was hip and sported the turban.

First: Those that have matter and form like humans, animals, plants, metals. Bodies. We're talking about bodies here. Even unattractive creatures. Gd creates those too.
They come into existence and cease. All of this physical matter stuff will end. Even if you freeze your body, the ice will melt at some point. Then you're gone. Transmutating into a metal doesn't work. I understand many people have thought about it. It won't work. You may get a couple hundred years out of that. That's about it. 
If you marry somebody not attractive, it won't last forever. I hope that brings you comfort and inspiration.

Second: Those of matter and form that don't change. Like the spheres and stars.
I have no idea what spheres are. Circles. I guess. Stuff made in art class with a compass, they don't change. Unless if you have a shaky hand. If you place that sharp pointer thing in the correct place and hold it down strong, it doesn't change. Those circles and stars don't change.
The first category is different as it ceases and changes. Wrinkles. The Rambam is teaching us about wrinkles. Wrinkles and dry skin are the difference. The second category doesn't have to use lotion with aloe.

Third: Those with no matter at all. They just have form. We're talking about angels. Shapes with no matter. But they do matter. They matter with no matter. Angels can get down on themselves. That's why you should always tell them they matter.
Their forms differ. And they weigh nothing. One guy is a human and the other an octagon. We don't judge angels.
They take up no space. Probably always thin. Never have to diet. They never talk about how fat they get over a Three Day Rosh Hashana. They never complain about getting bloated from Challah. They never have to wait in lines. They never get caught sneaking into movies. They probably just sneak onto buses and take seats. You see a guy sitting in the aisle seat with an empty spot by the window, it's probably one of these guys sitting there.
Some of them might be minotaurs. Weightless minotaurs. I can't promise. I'm just conjecturing.

Everything has form. And we're going to die. That's the point the Rambam is teaching us in this Halacha. We're going to die. I hope that helps you understand angels.

You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Last week we discussed from Moshe to Rambam. We discussed the fights between men and women. Over that time, Rabbi Akiva went away for twenty years to learn Torah, to only come back home and hear his wife. At which point he went away for another twenty years to learn. He heard that nag and ran. Didn't even say 'Hi.'
Since then, over the past thousand years, Halacha has developed with rabbis who have acronyms.
The first rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ran, Rosh, Tur. Nothing is more important than an acronym. Preferably it should start with an 'r.' Rabbeinu Yonah was an anomaly. How he made it without an acronym is studied by historians to this day. Yet, his first name 'Rabbeinu' begins with an 'r.' Most historians have not noted that.

These first rabbis with acronyms were known as commentators. That lasted for a few hundred years till people got sick of the commenting. A lot of commenting. You would be at a Shabbat dinner, they would bring out the Kugel, and a rabbi would say, 'I like that Kugel.' Another rabbi would say, 'It's dry.' Another rabbi would say, 'Why the noodles?' Then they would go into a whole discussion about what Kugel means. That lasted for years, until somebody said, 'Lokshen.' And the argument was over. No more commenting on Kugel, until people started throwing in garlic.

Then Rabbi Yosef Cairo, came along at around the year 1500 CE, and said, 'I will bring all the arguments together, like the Tur did, and come up with a final conclusion.' He came up with the final conclusion in the Shulchan Aruch, saying, 'I will stop all the arguments,' and people argued about that. They had acronyms too. The Taz was a cool rabbi, as he had the coolest acronym. The Rama, a contemporary of Rabbi Cairo and a bit younger, argued on behalf of Ashkenazi Jews. But Rabbi Cairo lived in Tzfat and had a cooler headdress, so they liked him more.
Trying to reconcile the arguments is the foundation of modern-day Halacha. And reconciliation leads to a lot of fights.

So, Ashkenazim started arguing with Ashkenazim.
Chasidim and Misnagdim started fighting. The fight started when one rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then another rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then a student said, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' And students went back and forth, saying, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' Some even said, 'My rebbe is better than yours.' That lasted almost as long as the fights with the wives. A good two hundred years of arguing and fighting. 
Then somebody noted, 'We're all Jewish. We've all let down our parents.' That's when Jews started singing and playing guitar. The Misnagdim noticed that Chasidim had some decent songs, so they called them Jewish again.
Arguments continued, but with less yelling. We had Chasidim and Misnagdim, and so came the Halacha known now as 'a rabbi will support you.' Which many people use to this day when making decisions as to whether or not they can eat Kitniot on Pesach (Kitniot are legumes- I hope that helps).
Now Chasidim argue with Chasidim and nobody trusts anybody else. Which is why we have what is known as Hashgacha (kosher supervision).

Another couple hundred or so years went by and rabbis started asking questions about this new thing called electricity. Being the traditional souls they were, they argued over electric current by candlelight. A lot of yelling took place with these arguments, due to somebody not filling up enough oil in the lamp.

One rabbi, known as the Chafetz Chayim, came along and talked a lot about not talking Lashon Hara about people. He killed every decent conversation. He was one of those 'let's not hate each other' rabbis, which killed his street cred at the time, so nobody called him rabbi. Just Chafetz Chayim.

Then came the worst thing known to Jewish leaders since exile, the crockpot. The anger was palpable. 'You're cooking on Shabbis.' 'But I'm not.' 'But you are.' 'What's considered cooking on Shabbis?' 'I don't know.' 'Then why are you yelling at me?' 'Because I'm religious.' 'Shabbis doesn't start for another half hour.'
Rabbi Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach ZT"L decided, 'We need a Sefer about Shabbis.' He called it Shmirat Shabbat KeHilchata.
Now people yell about people not following Shemirat Shabbat KeHilchata right.

Some rabbi at an NCSY youth convention decided to spread the idea that it's really important to not touch the opposite sex. This law, known as Shomer Negiah, kept the people single. Which led to Halachik discourse as to whether or not women need men.

More acronyms developed. Now, in order to be a rabbi you need the acronyms before your name. I'll put these in Hebrew. I figured that should be just as hard to understand as transliterated acronyms.
גאב"ד- גאון אב בית דין
ראב"ד- ראש אבות בית דין
אבדק"ק- אב בית דין דקהילה קדושה
אדמו"ר- אדונינו מורינו ורבינו
רשכבה"ג- רבן של כל בני הגולה
הרה"ד- הרב הגאון
כבו"ק- כבוד קדושת
הרה"ק- הרב הקדוש
הרה"צ- הרב הצדיק
הגה"צ- הגאון הצדיק
הרה"ח (הגה"צ)- הרב החסיד
And those are just a few of the acronyms that must come before a rabbi's name, if he's important. Sometimes, it takes twelve minutes to call up a rabbi in acronym form. If you have all of these before your name, you've made it, and you can now tell people they're wrong.
Sometimes the Israelis leave out the Kabook acronym, because people think they're going to bring out coated peanuts. Which makes them more excited than seeing the rabbi.
To be a greater rabbi, you need an acronym after your name too. Best known one is Shlita. שליט"א- שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. If your name is not followed by a Shlita, have you truly made it?
After the rabbi has gone to Olam Haba (the world to come), they must have a ZT"L. At least a ZT"L. This is if you want to decipher Halacha after you have passed away.
And now, we only listen to Halachik decisions of rabbis who've passed away with many acronyms.
Note: Please accept my apology for leaving out many acronyms. Since this article has been released, many Talmidim (students) have proven their rabbi greater with more acronyms that were not privy to us when putting out this article. 

If we learned anything, you don't listen to a rabbi who teaches you Halacha, if he has a name that people know him by other than rebbe and if he doesn't have acronyms.

Now, due to Halacha, Jewish men run out of their homes three times a day, to pray. And for Rosh Hashana, they've found a way to leave the country and go to Uman, just to get away from their wives. 'It's Halacha!'

Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.

It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled.
Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue.

The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.'

Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives.
Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls.

Now the arguments with the wives started.
The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house.
They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant.
The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage.

For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys.
One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.'

Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.'
Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha.
It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight.

Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you.

We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development.

Law 1-2: You learn to love and fear Gd by recognizing how not important you are. I hope that makes you feel good today.

Law 1: You must love and fear H'. It's a Mitzvah. You have to do Mitzvahs. Why do you have to do Mitzvahs? Because H' said so.
Look at Devarim chapter 6, verses 5 and 13. Maybe try saying the Shema and then learning Pasuk 13 too. Gd tells you should do that too.
You have to love Gd. Why? Gd tells you. It would be good if I know about this years back, when dating somebody I liked. I told her, 'You should love me, because I told you to love me.' If I would've told her, 'Gd told you to love me,' that might have worked. If she was a good Gd fearing Jew.
I fear I'll get in trouble if I don't love Him. That's where my fear comes from.

Law 2: You end up loving H’ when you realize how great He is. When you notice His great deeds and how there is no end to His greatness, you desire to know more. This is not like loving a human. When you see how much my congregants have messed up, when you see how none of them put more than a dollar in the Tzedakah box, when you see how bad Kiddish is, you do not desire to know them at all. You desire to get out of there.
You need a reason to love. With Gd, it's His Greatness that you want to connect to. With a potential spouse, it's to get your parents off your back.

You desire to know more. That is love. I think we just defined it. Years of trying to figure out what love is, I think we just figured it out. The Rambam just said it. Through appreciation for H’s greatness, you learn to love Him. It’s a desire to know more.
I can tell you that I have been around many women that I have not desired to know more. For many, it's the wife.
I believe this is where the shadchanim/matchmakers get it from. This is what they mean when you are not attracted to somebody and they say, ‘You will learn to love them.’ They are telling you that you will desire to know more. After time, you learn to admire them due to their unattractive appearance. You start to love the ugliness you married. You will then desire to know why you made such a bad decision.
You know how those parents talk about their ugly kids like they're beautiful, saying stuff like 'you're beautiful'? They're lying.

Then you realize how tiny you are. A little puny man.
Fear comes through realizing how small you are. H’ said, 'Let there be a world,' and there was a world. It appeared. You requested some orange juice with your breakfast and the waiter still hasn’t brought it.
Fear of H' is different. It is a fear of love. If I fear somebody, it's because they're tyrants and I'm worried I'm going to get shot. That's not love. And that is not fear of them. That's fear of losing my life or money. I have to stop hanging out with these people. It's different with parents. They might be tyrants, who made me do homework throughout my childhood. They also made me sit down for dinner with the family. Even so, I fear them and love them because they support me, financially. It's a fear and love with Gd. That's why I say that prayer for Parnasa (a good living).

A tiny, lowly, and dark creature, standing with his flimsy, limited, wisdom before He who is of perfect knowledge.
Kind of makes you feel worse than sitting through a Shidduch pitch from a matchmaker, where they tell you how not handsome you are.
Meditate on how great H' is. Do it for a minute or two. Now think about yourself. Didn't accomplish much. Did you? H' brought the world into being. What have you done today? You stained the deck. Gd just sneezed and built a forest.
Kind of makes you think. Maybe fear Him. This isn't a competition with Gd, who decided to create the heavens and earth with a couple of words. You can't even build a Popsicle stick house right.
When you understand how puny you are, you fear Him. Until now, I never fully understood the Musar, the moral lessons, Hons and Franz were giving over.
Now you understand why you have to fight with fools to get to the potato kugel at Kiddish.

Ahh. That was a good learning session of the Rambam. I feel like a nothing. An absolute nothing, right now.
And I got rejected by a woman, even though I told her to love me. Didn’t work. As she said, ‘You’re not Gd.’ And then I told her, ‘You’re ugly.’

(Vayikra 19:1-2) ‘You shall be holy.’ Rashi teaches this means to be removed from sin. From this we learn that it's a Mitzvah to not enjoy yourself.
As a rabbi, I've learned that people want to see their rabbi not smiling. A serious look of not happiness makes them feel their rabbi is holy. I once smiled. The board fired me for unholy behavior. Now, I just think of having to deal with congregants and I have the right look.
 
(Niddah 73a) One who learns two Halachas a day, merits Olam Haba... I never learned that Halacha before. If I would’ve known that Halacha, I might have come around to learning it.
This should be the first Halacha they teach. People might learn more. By the time you get to this, learning one Halacha a day, you've already earned yourself a place in Gehenim.
 
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash.
It's about feeling the pain of our people. You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full. This truly connects them to the yearning of our people.
Rule: One who commits a sin can't commit a second sin. That's the idea. But I can tell you otherwise. I have congregants. They sin a third time too.

We don’t get a haircut or shave during the Three Weeks, so that you can look like you’re mourning and not get a date.
The Three Weeks are now. There are other three weeks in the year. I would not want to confuse anybody. Other three weeks do exist. But these are the Three Weeks. The Ben HaMeitzarim, 'Between the Disasters.' The Three Weeks between the shaves. The Three Weeks you look real bad.

On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

Law 12: It's Just a Visual - Not a Lie

Since H' is not affected by the physical world. All of the stuff in the Torah and Navi is just metaphor and image. Did the Rambam just say the Torah is lying?! No. The Rambam is saying we're idiots and we can't understand anything other than baseball, how to match two shades of blue that don't clash, and anything about a car other than how it works.

H' doesn't laugh. H' doesn't cackle. There is no snort coming out when you make a joke. H' is not amused. H' is. He is just is. He is not amused by the joke about the guy eating non-kosher because of how apples are served. Especially because He heard well over three million times.
If you're offended that I am calling H' a He and not a She, H' doesn't care.

(Shemot 3:14) 'I am who I am.' H' wants to be known to us as this. Otherwise, we'll start asking Him questions, wanting to hang out. And that won't make H' happy. Why? Because H' just is and it can get annoying hanging out with you at the bar and watching you get Shikur. He figures that if we are confused we won't be as annoying, and we'll aske less questions.
'I am who I am.' That's skirting a question if I have ever seen it. I would never be able to get away with this. People ask me what I'm working in now. 'I am me.' 'No. Rabbi David is unemployed.'

(Malachi 3:6) 'I, Gd, have not changed.' That says it all. He doesn't get happy or mad. H' is always H'. I feel like I am sinning defining H' by saying He is not definable.
I wish they would've taught me this stuff in elementary school. I would've cared less about not knowing stuff. Come to think of it, my lack of listening in class had me understanding H' a lot better than those fools getting straight 'A's. 
'I have not changed.' The last time I heard that was when that girl broke up with me. I believe she was blaming me for that breakup.

This physical stuff and emotion affect people. It is for the dark and low beings.
H' is above all this. He is exalted. H’ just gets bothered by you.
If you felt good, just know you're a dark and lowly creature. A creature who is affected by pettiness and bathroom humor.
What am I supposed to do? How do I relate to H'? We are not here for answers. We are here to confuse you.

Now that we can relate to H' through metaphor it's good to know that He is not affected by what you do or think - and that is a metaphor. That should help with your prayers this morning.
I am beginning to think that saying 'metaphor' is like saying 'psyche.' So did the Torah say it or did the Torah not say that H' has an outstretched arm?! Then how did H' take us out of Egypt? That wasn't a metaphor. The Rambam better deal with this in the next chapter or I will metaphorically stop learning. I am sure the Raavad has something to say about this.

Now that we have finished the chapter teaching us that everything we thought about Gd is not true. And that all of our connection with H' is based on a physical world that H' is not affected by. Have a great Shabbis. And be on time to shul. You should use it as a time to connect with H'.
And remember H' rested on the seventh day. Oh shoot. That's a metaphor. Now I'm confused.
And I wasted twelve years in school learning about how I can make H' happy by doing Mitzvahs and how I usually make H' mad. 

Now that it is clear that we cannot define H', we will move onto chapter two and define H' and our relationship to Him more.

Lesson:
We're meant to follow in H's ways. How do you become exalted? Be very much not you. And practice Mitzvot. That's how you end a good Dvar Torah - Learn Torah and do Mitzvahs. If you do that, H' will probably not care. He definitely won't get all emotional about it.
I know the Rambam is going to say something about Mitzvahs being the way to make this physical world exalted and godly. He's got to. I really hope the Rambam doesn't stop here. Oh shoot. I am worried he stops here. There is no cliffhanger. 

The physical stuff is petty. It's fleeting. That's my take. I'm finished for now. I'm going to go work out. Hit the weights. Try to get in shape.
And I am still trying to figure out how H' took us out of Mitzrayim with an outstretched arm. Could one arm have freed a whole people from slavery? Just one arm?! I will think of that while doing some squats to connect to H'.

Laws 10: Even Moshe Doesn't Get to See Everything
And you ask H' to let you know what you're supposed to do in this world. You ask H' to tell you the meaning of life. You ask H' to help you make sense of it. Chutzpah.

Law 10: Moshe wants to see H'. Yet, Moshe only gets to see H's back (Shemot 33:23). H' tells him that 'there isn't within the knowledge of man that lives that is connected to a body and Nefesh to achieve the truth of this matter about his Creator.' And Moshe was finally put in his place. It's important to know that you will never truly know. Which is why we study. This is why we learn Torah.

As a physical being, we are bound. We are limited to sports, an Amazon Prime series and having to hear Bernie cough up a phlegm wad in the middle of Davening.

Nobody can fully understand H'.  So, Moshe only sees H's body. But Moshe doesn't really see H's body, because Gd doesn't have a body. Chacha'ah!!!
You can tell a lot from a body. I go to shul and I see many out of shape people. I know the membership is not hitting the gym. And those that go to the gym are having conversations about why one should not work so hard. Based on the bodies I see at shul, I can see the membership takes Shabbis very seriously. Not one of them skips Shalishudis.
I am sure H' would be in better shape than the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. It might be the portly suits. Portly suits make you look portly.

'Show me your Kavod' (Shemot 33:18). He wanted to know the foundations of Gd, until he knew it in his heart, like somebody knows something that he sees in his heart, such as knowing a person 'separate in his knowledge from all other people.'
H' is not separate. So, how can Moshe know Gd as separate? Again, I will never truly know. But he wanted to know. I remember wanting to know about astronomy and physics. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to understand the foundations of the makeup of our universe. Then my professor said, 'You have to study.' It was at that moment, I realized I would never know.

Moshe was asking for a lot. I remember once asking my dad for the car.

Moshe gets to see Gd's back. That's a big thing right there. Give him that.
Moshe, a physical human being, wanted a physical relationship with Gd. Gd can only be related to in a non-physical, possibly spiritual way. Which is what I tell the shul when they ask me to pay dues. Our relationship is one of the Neshama, the soul, and money is physical.

Or, is the Torah teaching us that through our physical connection in this world, we can at least see a part of Gd. We can maybe see Gd's image, or some out of shape guy in shul in a portly suit coughing over the Babka. A little Chidish for you.
Chidish means that somebody had a thought and was too lazy to find a source to back it up.

Lesson:
You can ask, but you may not get. You can ask for a car, but you may just get a unicycle for your sixteenth birthday. I don't know if I was being told to join the circus, which is kind of like telling somebody to run away.
You don't get everything you ask for. If somebody can please tell that to my nephew. Maybe just tell him his uncle gives bad gifts and get it over with. Next time I'm giving the kid a dollar.
I am still trying to figure out what Nefesh means.

Law 9: Anthropomorphism: Don't be Gullible
Now that we have down the foundation of all knowledge, that we know nothing about Gd. With that knowledge, let us explain Gd.
 
Law 9: The Torah uses physical terms to describe Gd. Gd's feet, hands, eyes and ears. Why is it there? If Gd doesn't have it, why do we attribute this to Gd? Why do not finish the full song with mouth and nose, and head, shoulder, knees and toes? There are many questions we have. None of them will be answered, because we know nothing about Gd.

It's placed there as metaphor and examples, so we can understand. Since we are spiritually dumb, we need physical language to have some idea what's going on. Ask any Kabbalist living in Tzfat in the 16th century, you are an idiot.
We're corporeal. No idea what that means. But it sounds sophisticated.

H's hand is really not His hand. You can't slap H' five. This isn't high school. This isn't a baseball game with a high five.
One thing I know about Gd. Always capitalize anything I write about Him.

Why does it say (Shemot 24:10) 'Beneath His feet,' (31:18) 'Written by H"s finger.' (9:3) 'Gd's hand,' (Bereishit 38:7) 'Gd's eyes,' (Bamidbar 11:1) 'Gd's ears' and so on?
I don't know. I hope that helps. Why do you insist on knowing all of this. To quote Shlomo: 'Are you trying to be better than me?!'
This isn't a game. This is life. This is H'. And you think we're playing Mr. Potato Head.
How did Gd write the tablets with His finger when He doesn't have one? Only Gd can do that. Gd and possibly my rabbi.
Now I must be honest. I am very confused.
I can tell you Shimon Simchovitz didn't write the Torah. I've seen his writing. Very poor penmanship. He couldn't even write a Mezuzah.
Bigger question. Where does 'ibid.' come from? How does that mean 'same place'? If you can answer that, that is a knowledgeable human being. If you can spell knowledgeable without spellcheck, you're smart.

How about these?
(Devarim 32:41) 'I will sharpen my lightning sword.' What does that mean? Does H' have a sword? What's a lightning sword? It does sound cool though. Even The Legend of Zelda doesn't have a sword that cool.
(Daniel 7:9) 'Clothed in snow white.' Who has clothes made out of snow? Snow shirts melt. And they don't keep you warm. Yet. H' has that. And why did they never give H' credit for Snow White? These are all very important questions. And we will not answer any of them, because we have no idea.
And Moshe envisioned H' wrapped in a Tallit. Every morning, I envision myself getting smacked with the tassels of the Tallit the guy is wrapping next to me.

A lot of defining about what we can’t define going on over here.

Lesson: H' can't be understood or grasped by human thought. Therefore, we will keep trying to understand Him and learning Torah.
We need the physical terminology because we're idiots. I'm going to get a drink with Gd right now.

Laws 7-8: Oneness Can't Be Defined - So We Shall Define It

Law 7: There is only One. As it says in the Torah, (Devarim 6:4) 'H" is our Gd, H" is One.' That is another commandment. Third one in this chapter. Three commandments for a belief that we cannot believe in more than once. That is a lot of expression of one belief, that there is One. One Gd.
How many gods do you need? Are there not enough Mitzvahs as there is?! We don't need more commandments. The Torah is good.
Anything more than One would mean physical and that means an end. That means a board is getting involved and there are committees, and religion dies. I hope that doesn't offend you.
H' is not offended. H' doesn’t have feelings, for that would mean change, and that is physical. Point is that this is very confusing.

H' has no body. Hence, anything dealing with bodies is not relevant to Gd. H' is not limited or defined. Gd is simply one. Therefore, we can't describe Gd. Now I am confused, and trying to figure out why we are defining something that can't be defined. This feels a bit like math.
As it teaches in the Shema, (Devarim 6:4) 'Hear oh Israel, H' is our Lord H' is One.' That's it. H' is one and there are a lot of Mitzvahs about it.

Law 8: H' has no body, as H' is the 'Lord in the heavens above and earth below' (Devarim 4:39). A physical being can't be in two places at once. How my parents knew when I misbehaved in school is still an anomaly.
And H' resembles nothing else. Physical beings resemble other things. That cannot happen when there is oneness. H' doesn't have a doppelganger.
Nobody has ever posted a Gd lookalike on Instagram. Only selfies. Anybody who thinks they're posting a Gd doppelganger is probably posting Charlton Heston. Charlton was Moses.
(Isaiah 40:25) 'To whom can you liken Me and that I will be equal.' Something with a body has equals. And H' doesn't have an ego. He's not showing off here. If Deion Sanders was saying that he has no equal, that would be egotistical.
I didn't learn the rest of Isaiah. Too many chapters.
Why do we not see H'? If we would've seen Gd at Har Sinai, we would've started making idols (Devarim 4:15-16). We would've got all high on ourselves and started making gods. Physical beings like Play-Doh too much.
Why do you need H' to be physical? Do you have a need to go drinking with Him?! I am confused. Who is my doppelganger?

Without these beliefs in Gd, it would appear that we would be following subjective laws, and there would not be a ‘Truth.' I have met many people, and I can say that I would not want them making up laws. We all see what happened in the Knesset over the past 75 some-odd years. How the Jerusalem municipality can put a stop on my bank account for not paying somebody else's Arnona... only a finite being can come up with a law like that. Want to talk about why there is no decent park in my neighborhood? Somebody in the city made that decision. Some fool who is probably printing Silly Putty on a newspaper right now.

Lesson: The real idea being expressed is that us finite beings are idiots. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that you are not that smart.
Because we are not that clever, the Torah commands us to believe in Gd, in three ways.

Law 6: You Don't Get Knowledge from College

Law 6: This belief, this knowledge, of Gd is the commandment of ‘I am H’ your Gd’ (Exodus 20:2). The commandment is not the belief that you have control over your internet package. You don't. They're going to change it. It's not the knowledge that your mechanic will rip you off. Though that is a foundational truth of the world. It is that H' is Gd, and Gd is Truth.

And you cannot think that there are other gods, as that would be transgressing the negative commandment of ‘You shall not have other gods before Me.’ (Exodus 20:3). Why the Rambam has to repeat the Mitzvah that is explicitly stated in the Torah? Learn a bit. Keep Shabbat. It says it in the Torah, so keep it. Do we have to go over every Mitzvah. Maybe we should spend some time reminding you to do the Mitzvah H' tells you to do. How about you don't worship idols?! Let's start there. It's like we're speaking to a bunch of heretics.
So yes, thoughts count. As unimportant as you may be, and as much as you don't know, you can still transgress and/or do a mitzvah. If you help out around the house and maybe call for a new internet bundle package, maybe you're getting a Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. Even so, honoring your parents is not the commandment of belief. The belief is that H' is your Gd. Believing that you have to honor your parents is not a Mitzvah. Get them a decent internet package, and help a bit around the house. Honor your parents because it says it in the Torah. It's a Mitzvah. Sorry we didn't repeat that yet.
This knowledge of Gd is the Ikar (main thing) that everything else is founded on. Yes. Anybody who doesn’t believe in Gd is an idiot. They know nothing. They are so dumb, they might even end up becoming a professor. And who commanded this? Gd. Exactly.

If you don't believe this, you're a heretic. How many gods do you think there are? That was a trick question. The dean of Harvard would've gotten the answer wrong.
And this is why I am starting a course for our Ivy League students that is Belief in The Primary Being for Fools Who Think They Are Important and Hate Jews 101. The next course will be Context 103 in which you learn that you’re an idiot who paid 500k for college.

Lesson: If you don't know this stuff. It's fine. Just keep saying the Shema. Maybe you’ll see 'H’ is Truth' there too. And say the Shema (see Halacha 4). It's a Mitzvah. If people would just learn a little Torah, we wouldn't have to repeat everything.
Next week, we will be back with more Rambam Halachas, repeating the Torah for you and reminding you to upgrade your internet and cable package. Prices are going down.
And it’s a Mitzvah to learn Torah. It says that in the Torah. So, you have to learn the Halachas, because the Rambam is repeating the Torah. You have no choice.

Laws 4-5 Gd is the Only Truth - He Keeps The World Going

Law 4: H' is Truth. That means that He alone is truth. And there is no truth like Him. You might have a moment where you thought, 'It all makes sense. Harry likes Cho Chang.' You might have a moment where you didn't lie about taking out the trash. That may be true, but that is not Truth like Gd. That is you owning up to the fact that you were asked to help a good twelve times and you did not. Feel good about that. Maybe now you can help and say you helped. That would also be truth. Where is Gd in your non-helpfulness? That is where it gets complicated.
(Devarim 4:35) 'There is none asides from Him.' There is no true existence but Him. And that means pickleball. It does not exist outside of Gd. H' is the True Existence that lasts forever. And as much as it pains us, pickleball may end one day. It might happen when people learn about tennis.

Law 5: Who is this? Surprise. It's H'. If I have to spell this out for you... The Primary Being who is all Truth is not the guy who told you about his first date at the birthday party in fourth grade. It is not Paul Pierce. It is H'.
He does not stop. With His power that is endless and without a hand or body, He keeps the world going. And this is why we support prosthetics.
Why does He keep it going? I am still trying to figure that out. There are more mistakes we can make. We can also do Mitzvahs. I am guessing H' keeps it going for the mistakes. Those happen more often.

And why are you learning this and still not taking out the trash. Help out around the house every once in a while. I don't know if that’s a Halacha in the Rambam. I just know that it will get mom mad. That is the truth.