The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Announcements
Our guest speaker this week is Phil. He’s a member of this congregation and he will be giving the sermon about how his kids don’t call unless he's sick, to find out if he’s dying. The planning meeting for how we’re going to attack the mice in the shul is this Sunday. Bella suggested weapons. We are going to stay away from military grade. Last time military weapons were used against mice, we ended up having to do a full demolition of the shul. We are offering congregants shielding gear due to fear of little things. The Simcha for the Feldblums this Shabbis gives us all hope that their son will not be like them. He should have a beautiful family with children that respect and appreciate shul. Kiddish club is planning a party, where they will be drinking more. Less than at Kiddish club, as the party will not be before Musaf and the Kiddish club members don't need to drink as much when they're not Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Your Children to Call Even if They Know They're in the Will Already. How to Attack a Mouse on Shabbat Without Scaring a Whole Shul. How to Show Love Not Like The Feldblums. Kiddish Club and How They Found a Way to Drink More On Work Night. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Like Yaakov, I planned for a fight against the board... No. I didn’t give them any gifts. I have no money for gifts because they haven’t given me a raise.... Yes. That’s the reason for the law of not eating the hop sinew. Yaakov injured his hip fighting with the angel (Bereishit 32:32-33)... Yaakov had sciatica. The whole back left of the men’s section has had sciatica. You want to eat it??? I injured any chances of making a decent living fighting with the board... Great speech Phil. You can sit... (Bereishit 33:1-3) Yaakov sees Esav with four hundred men. He splits up the camp. Goes in front of them and bows to his brother seven times... I have to give the background because you all talk during the Layning... Seven was the number in those days. Bowed seven times... (33:4) “And Esav ran to greet him and he hugged him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept....” After seeing this, Esav runs to his brother. I don't think I even saw the Feldblum kids hug. I think they just shook hands and said, "Good to see you too." Love is always there, somewhere, when you're not dealing with a board. You have to take the first steps. You have to bow the seven times... Without bowing. It’s Asur to prostrate to people. A bunch of Apikorsim. You bow to H'. So Yaakov bowed to his brother... His brother wasn't an idol. And I will never bow to the board... Rashi teaches that Esav’s compassion was aroused by the prostrations. You see. Prostrations. Now bows. His compassion was found through the prostrations. Through Yaakov's show of deference. Sometimes you need to give in a bit. Let the other know that you are there for love, and they will return that. Unless if it's Phil's kids... Or the board. Esav had all that love inside of him. He showed it. And you can’t even greet your rabbi with a decent "Shabbat Shalom." A handshake. You shake hands like a Mensch... Your handshaking is off. It makes nobody want to hug you or kiss you. When they shake your hand, they do not want to cry. No emotion. Now Merv. You shake Merv and Mr. Greenberg's hands, you feel emotion. You want to cry. They squeeze your hand. Like a vice. They clench your hand with the jaws of their fingers. You feel that... You are so not giving. So unkind. Everything with you is a fight. I get sciatica just listening to the congregants. The handshakes in this shul give me sciatica... I'm talking about love. About finding love through peace. You do that through being kind and compassionate. It might come back to you... You don’t even welcome guests... Beautiful speech Phil. The way you were able to give a sermon with no Torah... You plan for kindness. If that doesn't work, you have to be ready to fight. We have been kind enough to the mice of the shul for many years. Food all over the floor. The children of our congregation have not cleaned up after themselves... We have to plan how to attack the mice. Gifts. We tried giving them cheese and peanut butter, they ate it. They took it right out of the mousetraps. I feel like the traps are food trays for feeding mice. Splitting up the camp, we had different traps... We tried. It's all out war. You already won the environment discussion. We have recycling in the shul. We are going to kill the mice. Straight out war. We've got to come in strong... We did it all. We fought. We sprayed everywhere. We even used poison. Nothing has worked yet. We need to come out stronger. Hit them from all sides... You're more scared of mice than Gd. And now we have a secretary who adopted a mouse as a pet... I am saying we also have to show love to people, so that some people will want to join our shul... If people come to our shul and we hug and kiss them, and cry on them. They'll feel loved and they'll want to be congregants... Dr. and Dr. Feldblum, you prepared your son correctly. He’s learning in Yeshiva. He is kind. He’s a good athlete. He is nothing like his parents. You did a good job. But you need more love... Your Simcha has no affect. No love. Not even a Yasherkoych when cousin Ralph came down from the Aliyah. Nobody even tried to whip candies at the Chatan. You tossed them. No emotion involved in your family. No love. Esav has more love than your family. If one of your family members wanted to kill another, they would do it... R’ Hirsch teaches that Esav wept genuinely, as crying can only come from one that is moved. Even Esav had the ability for compassion. The human ability we all have when he is moved. Your grandma isn’t even crying. Not moved by her grandson getting married. The Chatan's grandma is just sitting there like her whole face is full of Botox... Well. Then that is the reason... The only one crying is the guy that came back drunk from the Kiddish club... What is the Kiddish Club Party? Is it just you drinking more?... It's a weeknight. You have to go to work the next morning. It's drinking more on a weeknight. Talking about the Kiddish club because they're not here. They're still out drinking. Pregaming Musaf... Phil. You already talked. Now you're interrupting. You already let everybody know you get no love from your family, even though they're not the Feldblums. We get it. A true party is when there is the joining of sides. The joining of enemies in love and embrace. Reuniting... The Kiddish club has not reunited with Mickey in years. Let him back into the Kiddish club. I don’t want to see him in the shul for the sermons... A decent handshake for crying out loud. That's a party... Will the Chatan come up here... To love is to want to kill... Embrace your wife, not like your family embraced you. Kiss her. Hug her. Cry on her. If you don't cry on your spouse, is it really a relationship... Rivka's Rundown "To love is to want to kill" is a very strong statement. I believe the rabbi was trying to say that he doesn't love the board, so they shouldn't worry. I agree with the rabbi that we need more emotion in the shul. More sisterhood fighting. The rabbi truly went off on the lack of passion behind handshakes and why there is much hatred in the shul because of it. His message: If people shook hands harder, families would be together. To quote, "Families that shake together, stay together." The rabbi just makes it all so meaningful. After the sermon everybody shook hands. It was an emotional moment for all. Women were standing up, shaking each other's hands and hugging. The rabbi asked a congregant to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. And then, once he heard Phil speaking, he got up, kicked Phil off and still gave his sermon. Truth is everybody loved Phil’s sermon. The no Torah added to the message truly made everybody feel more connected. The rabbi just kicked Phil off, and took over the sermon. He heard enough about people not calling. The rabbi was worried the congregants would start to think that the rabbi would want to get phone calls from them. The rabbi planned for the war. I had mice in my house. I used his plan and killed four mice. People heard there was a mouse and they didn't show up to shul for a month. They figured that would be their excuse this year, as there hasn't been much snow yet. It all started last week when Bella yelled, "Mouse!!!!" Everybody ran and there was no Minyin. The Filermans aren't coming back. It's amazing how you can't lose the reputation of having a mouse. Every house gets mice during the fall, but when people hear about it, you're branded. Our shul has been branded and the rabbi is happy. I was for the friendliness and the new hello thing, until Merv kissed me, cried on me, and the chuched his phlegm all over me. I think we need younger men, who won't hock a loogie on the guests, welcoming people. The Feldblums took such Nachis knowing their son is not like them and won’t eat in their home. I don't know if they love each other. I don't even think there was one real smile the whole Simcha. After the Chupah, the dad shook his son's hand. The rabbi noted, "At least it was a solid handshake. It's a start." The family might be mad that another member, this new wife, is joining the family, and she might also have a claim on the inheritance. I even think that when the dad shook his son's hand, he said, "Prenup." That was his Mazel Tov. The rabbi kept on saying "The Chatan." He forgot his name. Not as bad as the time he forgot the name of the deceased at their funeral and he was calling her Mrs. Wichita. The family at the funeral was fine, until one of the members said she lost the pageant. The Kiddish club parties have less drinking going on than at the Kiddish club. Usually the parties aren't happening during Davening. As the rabbi noted, "There's no real reason to drink if you're not praying to Gd." The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYera11/17/2024
Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes. We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers. Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi... We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms... (Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night... When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed. His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie. His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation... There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions. And no eggs??? It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them... When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality... Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?! The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now... You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions. It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions. When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo.... Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them. I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?... It's all immoral. We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud... The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city. When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin... Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants. We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out... It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling. There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate... This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox. Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels. Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying... Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people. The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them. What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly. When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption. I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.' Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue. I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda. Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous. The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas. I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me. Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers. Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIV8/8/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.
![]()
The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah... Something is off with this scene. Are they just killing people?! Does Caeser with his red shawl notice? Even he's a bit surprised there, looking around at the barbaric people. 'I just told them to take over the Temple. I didn't tell them stab the guy lighting the Menorah.' Either that, or he's trying very hard to protect the shawl. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis. People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know. The Arm Raise Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention. Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning. We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate. Arm Raise Hand Open Close This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance. The Chest Bounce Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured. Huddle Jump Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get. The Solo Jump Around Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form. This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit. Arm Interlocked Twirl Around Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle. The Hand-in-Hand Spin Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes. The Airplane Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people. Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded. The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall. The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head. Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter. The Rebbe Approach This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you. That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad. Final Note of Safety Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing. Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt. I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe. Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.
Close Friends Table These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding. If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough. They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack. Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys. Bride’s Girl Friend Table This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met. They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb. They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys. Singles Table This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness. On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you. If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married. If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive. CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible. Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD. If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein. Kids Table Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height. Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads. This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers. No Place Card Table You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord. If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways. Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with. You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too. And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home). Pick The Right People to Attend You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me. I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me. Save Money If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them. Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland. Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby. Mute Everybody for the Speeches You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes. Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha. Seperate Families You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen. You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses. Catering Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet. You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make. Link the Registry Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances. Have a Dress Code You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. In Conclusion If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that. So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration). As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.' EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat. Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it. As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?' Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help. The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away. But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha. BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA I learned this over the past year. Proper Attire You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks. You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them. Tip Your Webcam When You Stand Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too. Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now. Eat the Food in Your House Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. Dance with a Hand Raise The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip. Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. Show Your Blank Screen Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time. Be Sure to Mute Yourself You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full. Clean Your House We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it. And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui. Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time. I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The next step in Simchas is here. Thanks to loosening restrictions, we have moved from Zoomchas, to Outdoorschas. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. What else doesn't roll off the tongue? Having a decent time with other people during COVID.
My brother and sister-in-law ran a beautiful outdoor Bat Mitzvah. It got me thinking how great it is to use a backyard. The backyard has been overlooked for many generations as the perfect place for a Simcha. Other than cutting the grass, most people never use their backyard. They might store a grill there. But they don’t use it. They have an oven in their house. Let me help you navigate your Outdoor Simchas during these times where you’re forced to not be allowed to spend $30,000 on a hall. Save on the Beautician The humidity is going to frizz up the hair and the makeup is going to run, so don’t bother. I also suggest that you not bother showering. It’s not that bad, as you will be six feet apart. Regarding the makeup, it’s not that bad as you should be standing far away from most people. As for the photographer, get him to focus on taking pictures of your beautiful backyard. Enjoy the Air Outdoors My niece’s Bat Mitzvah was the first Simcha where there wasn’t a family fight about the thermostat. This time, family fights were relegated to yelling about frizzy hair. Phase Three Means You Can Come Close, But Not Interact Nobody kissed or hugged. They just stared at each other awkwardly. Get used to that weird look. It means “Mazel Tov.” Build a Huge Tent on Your Lawn This way you’re complying with the rules and it is outdoors, but it is really indoors. I went to one Simcha where they put all of their money into the food and there was nothing left for the tent rental. Big mistake. Most of the food got wet and the rest of it was brought inside. But nobody could come inside so they just stared at the food longingly through the window as the Bar Mitzvah boy tried to give his speech. Rained Out One Simcha I went to without tents had a rain delay. They told everybody that they were going to continue in an hour. I have never seen a Bat Mitzvah speech rain delayed. I thought it was a baseball game. One guy even said, “We’re calling it off for now. Come back later. She’s going to give two speeches.” He thought that coming back to the party enforced the double header rule. At least the Bat Mitzvah girl had a good attitude – she told me that she felt like she was at Yankee Stadium. The Shmorg The smorgasbord is about trying to look classy, eating while standing, with a slab of mustard on your tie, while engulfing pigs in a blankets and licking your fingers for the comprehensive taste. Now, you can look classier inhaling all the tiny hot dogs, standing outside, sweating drooling six feet away from your friends, and yelling over no music. Social Distancing at Hors d'oeuvres Table That is impossible. Everybody likes the pigs in the blanket too much. There is no six feet rule for hands attacking decent food. Food Must Be Individually Packed For safety, the food must be covered. Otherwise, all of the spittle from those taking the food while yelling at their friends across the yard, will land into the food you’re eating. This whole social distancing makes me question why I ever went to a food court. It’s disgusting. All the sudden, now that we know of one virus, people sneezing around my dinner is finally considered wrong??!! Finally the Grill is being Used This worked real well for eight of the guests. The other two hundred did not get a burger. Eight people were crowded around that thing the whole time. The grill only did six burgers at a time. Yet, they did not move. Pictures at a Distance Friendship pictures were taken of the girls standing six-feet apart. To note, social distance does not always look very friendly. I think when the Bat Mitzvah girl looks back at her pictures many years from now she’s going to wonder why her friends don’t really like her. Speech Won’t be Heard It’s outside. That’s fine. Nobody really wants to listen to a twelve or thirteen year old thank her parents while trying to connect it to the weekly Torah portion. The Pictures Played on Screen The most important tradition of the Jewish simcha is taking a photo album and then playing it on a projector to music from the eighties. It’s the middle of the day and it’s light outside? Don’t worry no one wanted to see those pictures anyway. Hora Dance Around the House Making a circle around the house can be a great way to celebrate. The bringing of the hands to the middle of the circle move might be hindered by the brick, but it can still be meaningful. Somebody lifted my niece on a chair but nobody could see it, as she was in the middle of the circle, inside the home. Family Comes from Far This is so thoughtful. Especially when you have family from Florida who have to quarantine for 14 days. Finally, when your kids go back to school Cousin Irene can pop her head out of the basement and say, “We just came to wish you a ‘Mazel Tov’.” Organizing Tables is Easier You don’t have to figure out who will sit next to who. You just sit families together and everybody is mad. You Can Save on Floral Arrangements Your backyard is an actual floral arrangement! I was at one outdoor Simcha where they brought in lilies to match the flower patch in their backyard. They insisted that external floral arrangements are a necessary part of all Simchas. They even said their florist insisted in its importance. In the end, it was rained out. My favorite part of the outdoor Simcha is that you can’t give gifts because of Coronavirus. At least, that’s the excuse I use. Some people gave gifts, but they clearly didn’t care about the health of the poor Bat Mitzvah girl. There is no way to sanitize cash enough for it to be correctly socially distanced. As far as I am concerned, during Coronavirus, the saying couldn’t be more true, “Your presence is your present.” The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
|
How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
![]() David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
Categories
All
Archives
February 2025
|
12/15/2024
0 Comments