Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked.

Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn.
Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day.

The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects.
 
Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah.
Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon.
Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar.

Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that.
As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different.
By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it.

Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis.

Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul.

They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you.

They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you.

Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy."

Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis."

They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower.
By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers.
I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people.

I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'"
I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues.

And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food.

I don't know.
They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me.

LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The Tu BAv single people event is happening for all the divorcees. Old single people who have never been married cannot come to these events either. Or any shul events. We want to be clear. You also scare divorcees.

The wall will be renovated for security. It will be a secure structure. This will keep out terrorists. The wall we have now does not keep out terrorists and it is always falling down. We will call it "The Terrorist Wall."
 
We want to commend Camp Rachok MeiHorim for not letting the kids write letters to their parents for first two weeks. It’s good Chinuch. Kids learn that their parents don’t want to hear from them.
 
A Kosher slushy stand is opening. That’s the best we’re going to get. It’s a place to go to and sit outside when 7-Eleven is too packed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Build a Wall Correctly to Keep Out Singles. What To Do When Your Kids Try to Contact You and the Mitzvah of Honoring Your Parents Not Your Kids. Where to Move to When 7-Eleven is Your Best Kosher Restaurant. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts 
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
H’ made a Brit with you at Sinai... No. It wasn’t a communal Brit Milah. I’m dealing with idiots. A covenant... A Bris is a covenant and a Brit Milah. This is too complicated having to explain Ashkenazi vs Hebrew pronunciations... If you would know some Hebrew the sermons would be much quicker.
After hearing he can’t go into Israel, Moshe tells the people it’s their fault, and then tells them they better practice the Mitzvot... Yes. It's your fault. How we end up with a Kosher slushy stand is your fault. That was not in Gd's covenant when He gave us choolante... Brain freezes are a curse. Not a covenant. Though they happen all the time, there's no Slurpee covenant that you shall drink it and feel like you are dying every time.
(Devarim 5:1) Moshe says to them, “Hear Israel the decrees and the ordinances that I speak into your ears today.” Moshe doesn’t say to talk Bernie... Listen. Listen to your rabbi’s sermons. I am giving over H’s word and you don’t even hear it... Because you talk. There was never a commandment to talk. Because you say stupid stuff.
This is why H' has to talk right into the ear. Because you guys don't hear anything unless I scream it in your ear...
“And teach your children.” Or they end up like the kids in our shul who are athletes... Apikorsim. Same thing.

No commandment to talk. There are Mitzvahs to listen to H’. To believe in H’. The only time they talk is when they are like “Moshe. Do it for us. Go up there and get the commandments for us. You do the work.”
When you guys talk, you mess things up. Like your kids... At least teach your kids correctly... OK. First listen and then teach. The problem is you don’t listen. Then your kids end playing softball like a bunch of fools, kicking the ball... I know that's kickball. But you guys are coaching them and they think they're playing a different game, because you don't listen.
When you don’t hear Gd’s commandments, and you’re in the back talking about how your new air-conditioner just kicked on, you end up messing everything up for your religion...

You don't listen. You end coming up with messed up Shidduchim. You share dumb ideas. Then your kids don't get married to these people. You bring them into the shul, and I have to deal with it. It's your fault...
And what about listening to the message of Tu BAv?! Maybe we have to think about older people who never got married. They’re not allowed anywhere. They can't go to parks. They can’t be neighbors. They can't be youth directors.
They can’t even go to singles events. Those things only run up to thirty-five. They're even too old to be single.
How do we help these scary old singles, other than quarantining them from other people. And I get that you want to keep your kids away for safety...
Divorcees have done something. These old single people have never done anything. They are useless. And they can't educate kids or they'll get locked up...
You educate to your kids go out with ugly people. Look at the back left. All married in... Exactly.
Listen to what the single people are saying. They want to do something. They want to be married. They don't want to marry into your family. And I get that. I see you guys every week...
The decree is to get married. But if you don't meet anybody. If you can't go to events... That's how you end up here.

When you don't listen and hear, you end up believing false gods. Like a security wall that doesn’t work... You didn’t even think Trump’s wall was a good idea...
A wall for security? We’ve had a wall forever... So, we’re going to have Scarface now popping in the back of our shul. Shooting everybody up from behind the non-bulletproof wall?!
And what makes the wall bulletproof? Concrete? The walls we have are made of concrete. Why not just listen to the people who used to make walls?!... That's what happens when you don't listen and you teach kids wrong. Drywall. 
Maybe get a wall that doesn't fall down. That's all. plaster it right... I believe in security. Not stupidity. Not congregants who don't listen... How about a wall that keeps out congregants?!
How does a wall keep out terrorists? It didn't keep out any of our congregants... Immigrants can get through the wall.
Ein LDavar Sof. There is no end to safety when you don't listen to Gd... Every single one of the renovation ideas is messed up. Beforehand it was because people will die, rolling down a ramp that has an incline of one inch. That didn’t sell. Now it’s security.
And kids are educated in youth groups which are on the other side of the wall. What about them...
The Terrorist Wall is not a good name for it. It sounds like an invite. Like a wall made for them. It will only draw terrorists. And how do we keep out congregants? That should be the discussion... You don't deal with them. Congregants are just as bad.

Security in sanctuary??? What about in the hallway? Do you not care about the kids? Did we not learn to educate them... I understand, you have done an excellent job of educating them that their parents don't care. "The kids can go. If they must go, they must go. would’ve been better if they didn’t come back from camp"... How much security in a sanctuary where you are praying. Do you not believe in Gd...

You send your kids to summer camp, when you don’t listen to H’s word. H’ was talking about encamping. Encamping around the Mishkan... The Tabernacle was not the name of a Machane Kayitz.
So, the kids can’t write home for two weeks? They come home after three... Michelle. Your kids can't write.
And if your kid has an emergency. "Excellent. Great. It’s a shame the bear got them. It’s a shame the buddy system didn’t work out." This way at least you don't get blamed for The Terrorist Wall.

It's about educating your children correctly. They don't get that from you, because you don't listen. They don't get it from the Camp Rachok MeiHorim... They come back thinking "Bang Bang Clap" is a Jewish song...
And now the divorcees have no money for dates, because your kids should be encamping. Not in camp. And you would know that if you listened to H'...
So. You want that wall to keep your kids away. You are fine if they go
You'll be calling the cops with your kids in youth groups. "We're OK. We're behind the safe wall in the sanctuary."

When you don't listen, you end up with no Kosher restaurant... Because you didn’t listen to H’ telling you to eat Kosher. You’re supposed to eat Kosher. Bernie. Your kids can’t eat without a restaurant. You think Mrs. Schwartz’s kids are eating her food?! It’s disgusting. Let's have spaghetti and cottage for dinner again.
We worked on finding a restaurant. We now have a slushy stand... How is that a restaurant. If there is nothing that is being heated up, it’s not a restaurant... You don’t heat slushy’s Bernie.

If you all listened, this shul wouldn't be so messed up... Yes. To listen to me. Cheryl.

When you don’t hear H’, you covet stuff. Because your stuff is messed up. Like a slushy place. You covet a regular restaurant. Maybe if you got a decent restaurant, single people would want to go on dates there. And then they wouldn't come to shul coveting your families... You don't go to 7-Eleven on a date, because kids hang out there and you can get locked up.
You covet because you don’t view it all as H’s. You believe in other gods. To not covet is the last commandment, because not following H’s ways leads to people being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. And it leads to single people...
(Devarim 5:18) “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife, you shall not desire your fellow’s house, field, slave, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything that belongs to your fellow.” I understand nobody is coveting our congregants. That is the one positive about looking at the back left. There is no desire... And your cattle are messed up too...
H’ has to list this stuff because you don’t listen. If you just listened to “Don’t covet,” it wouldn’t all have to be spelled out. When you don’t listen the first time...
"Not to desire" adds even plotting against a friend. Not necessarily just action. To fantasize a plot, even if he won’t do it (Ramban). And I am guilty for plotting to get the other rabbi fired, so I could get out of this shul...
I am not plotting. I am planning against you, because I can’t stand you. I am planning on ruining your ideas which will mess up the shul with a new wall. We don't put up walls in this shul. We put up with annoying board members and committees...
And this is what you get when children are educated by people who don't listen.
And that is why you have no love in your life...

And now we call up the Bat Mitzvah...

Rivka's Rundown
At the end of the sermon, the rabbi called up the Bat Mitzvah girl, who nobody wished a Mazel Tov to. She wasn't even in the announcements. They even skipped Kiddish. It was like day of mourning in our shul for Tu BAv and the girl's Bat Mitzvah. Well. The rabbi called her up and spoke right into her ear. 
At my Bat Mitzvah, I wasn't called up to terror and the idea of somebody coveting my parents. I am sure the Bat Mitzvah girl will remember what she heard from the rabbi.

The rabbi spent the first half hour of the sermon going off on how people’s grandparents in the Pale of Settlement didn’t necessarily pronounce Hebrew words the same way Moshe did.
Later in the week he gave a class on how people should at least learn a little Hebrew, even if they get it wrong, so he doesn’t have to explain everything he says in the sermon. Mid-class, after dealing with constant questions about the meaning of what he was talking about, the rabbi said, “You are a hopeless people.” He stopped the class, left, and said, “I would never want to take you to Israel.”

The rabbi spoke on the hearing part of what Moshe said, because he thought that people would stop talking during his sermons and listen. That didn’t work.

The rabbi blamed us for heresy and the golden calf. Stating Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefillah is the reason.
The basic message... Our kids are messed up because their parents don’t listen to H’s commandments or the rabbi.

I think the rabbi called the back left of the shul very not good-looking people. He did take a lot of complaints for his comment about the cattle. To quote Dr. Lipman, "Say what you want about my wife. But never put down my oxen."

I feel bad for the old singles. They can’t go anywhere. They're quarantined at every event. They come to the events and they have to sit at a table with themselves. No interacting with regular community members, known as "the normals." Or as the rabbi knows them, "congregants who I want to put on the other side of the secured wall." 
And now they are even too old for singles events.
They have to stay in their homes and stalk people on the internet. That’s their only hope.
One family has all the singles over. This way we at least know where to stay away from with our children. They send their children away to different homes for dinner, just in case the old singles see what younger people look like. Which old single men shouldn't know.

One of the singles hugged a kid yesterday. The shul was in an uproar. I don’t care it was his niece. It was wrong. And people kicked him out. B"H.
The board did make a correction in the announcements, after push back from the community. They said they are happy to take dues from the old single people. They still can't go to events or show up anywhere, but they can be part of the community by giving money.

If we need a stronger wall, secure it. Now, everybody is afraid the walls of the shul are going to fall on them. I thought I saw some congregants leaning on one of the walls last Shabbat. They were trying to hold it up.
They’re going crazy with the security thing. I think they just want to spend money, because they haven't given any of it, and they need an argument to spend it.
You can’t argue against security. It’s like you’re heartless. You can't say anything to it. “What? You don’t care about security? What about people's lives?” "Well. I don't care."
They even have members on patrol now. This is the next Police Academy. Melvin, who needs two people to help him up while he grabs the chair in front of him, is on the security team.
If they had money to do renovations on their own house, we wouldn’t be talking about this. They would be focused on spending their own money, and the shul would be safe. They would have no alarm system in the shul, because they had one in their house.

They really don’t care about the kids. The sanctuary, which doesn’t allow kids inside, because they disturb, is the only safe place. 
My parents sent me to camp because they didn’t want to see me. This no letters for two weeks, at least the kids know where their parents stand. Truth is, if I was a one of these kids, knowing what my parents are hoping for me, I would stay at camp. In the end, these parents in our shul will probably spend 500k for college, just to get their kids out.
The followup class on what to do when your kids try to contact you from camp was a series on How to Hide from Your Children.

A slushy stand. A place to get headaches. Our community is pathetic. I need out. I need a community where I can get a Boureka. At least Bourekas heated up in a microwave. That's all I am asking for, a restaurant where somebody does the microwaving for me. At least that. Can't even get a restaurateur to press buttons here.

Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability.

I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick.
When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled.

They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far.
Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer?

I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. 
Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." 
"Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils.
It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate."

I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying.
Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?!

I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good.

At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them.
"And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person.

Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is.

I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven.
I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening.

And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff.
I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. 

I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey."

I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. 
I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot.

They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit.
By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t.
It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner?

LSimchas,
David

Dear Dave,
Come to think of it, I made a lot more mistakes. Last time, I told you about the girl I talked to for more than five minutes, ruining any chance I had with her, and the fact that I ate. Which was a total foolish thing to do. But I couldn't control myself around brisket.
I've been writing you a lot lately. But I need to get these thoughts off my chest and onto somebody else. Thank you for being that guy. I need to work through them somewhere. Need your feedback buddy. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong people at these singles Shabbatons.
 
Here's where the mistake started. I sat with guys. My biggest mistake of the weekend. Sitting with guys will bring you down. Kill your game. Once I sat at the guy table the good energy vibes was gone. It was guys I was sitting with. The weekend was downhill from there.
Nobody wants to be around guys. They are depressing. But after thirty-six hours at the Shabbaton, asking girls where they come from, guys were the only ones willing to talk to me. Maybe I have to come up with more questions, like "what are your hobbies." Girls like that.
It brought me down. Sitting with single guys will bring anybody down. Especially when it's the guys who gave up. I noticed guys coming over. It was a pattern. A guy sees a girl, walks over to her, other guy starts talking to her, he has nowhere to go, he sees the guy table, he comes to the guy table, tries to start a conversation, nobody responds, he takes a seat, understands the weekend didn't work out, looks around, notices food, gets more of it, comes back, stains his shirt, stays at guy table.

They were all trying to look cool. Sitting with a bunch of dudes who had been rejected, looking cool. It takes a lot of self-belief to pull that. Strategizing. Each one was trying to figure out how to make their way out of the guy table, trying to figure out how to make the move they forgot to make fifteen years ago.
It's a messed-up conversation where the word "so" pops up every half minute. You sit there with these guys scoping the room while licking the T-bone and your hands, saying "so" and looking cool by not talking to women. After a half hour of "so," I am walking around believing my future is relegated to these guys that haven't had a conversation since they saw Chana Leah across the room fifteen years ago.
The only positive here is that I've made some guy friends over the years of Shabbaton attendance. I see the same guys at each of the events. All now seventy years of age. At least the seventy-year-olds know how to enjoy their food.
I'm beginning to think these Shabbatons don't work for everybody.

Then I saw guys from camp. I have to stay away from these people. So many people I don't like. Why people become counselors when they can get a job mowing lawns for the summer still baffles me. Why do I need to see my past everywhere I go?
I don't need my past creeping up on me like that. I don't need memories of my underwear on a flagpole when I'm courting a woman. If I'm going to meet a woman, it needs to be information from within the past three months, that I've been working on myself.
Is the only way out to convert? Do I have to go to Muslim Mixers? If I converted, I might get stoned, but Jewish girls would like me. The problem is America. I see these people in America. I've got to run away from these camp people. It's Israel. I've got to get back to Israel to get away from Jews.

Then I went back to conversing with women. I shouldn't have done that. That's how you kill a singles weekend. I should never share my thoughts around the opposite sex. Not a good idea. My thoughts as a guy will kill any chance at relationship.
The guys at the table killed all my vibes. I started sharing my real thoughts. She doesn't need to know my thoughts on marriage and where to send the kids to school, until I meet her mother and her mother tells us what we're going to do. If we send the kids to Jewish day school, her parents will be paying. I shouldn't have mentioned that part either. But sitting with the guys messed me up.
They ask questions. That's a trick. They don't want answers. Though she asked about camp, the underwear on the flagpole story was not a good idea.
And then I said I thought she was cute. Stupid. Never tell a girl you're attracted to her. They want guys who are not into them.
A woman should not know I have thoughts until marriage. One day, when I come home, I'll let her know I want to hang out with guys. Get some smokehouse and look cool. But I won't tell her that till marriage. Otherwise, there is no chance we're getting married.
You're married Dave. Did you talk to your wife before you got married?

Next time I go to a social event, I'm staying away from people.
From now on, I'm only going to singles weekends where there are no girls I've dated. They know about me. And no modern orthodox Jews from New York. I don't need my past following me everywhere go. I'm also staying away from elementary school friends. I did some crazy stuff in second grade. I don't need a pencil up my nose keeping me from my Bashert again.
LSimchas,
David

Dear Dave,
I did good at the singles weekend. I met some women, got phone numbers, and they rejected me by phone. But I made some mistakes on the weekend. And naturally, some of this stuff will hurt your game and bring you down.
I made rookie mistakes. When you've been single for as long as me, you should know how to work a Shabbaton. You should know how to strut your suit and Shabbis walking shoes.
This is what I did and why some stuff doesn't work out. If you have any advice, please let me know. It won't hurt more than the girl calling me a creep.
 
I Met Her Too Soon
I met a girl in the beginning of the weekend. At that point, I knew I had no chance. I only have fifteen minutes of game. There were two more days after that. That's forty-eight hours. I can't hold attraction for forty-eight hours. I had already run out of questions about where she grew up and what she does for a living. What do you do after that?
I turned into a stalker real fast. Real fast when they don't want to talk to you. The whole Shabbaton she's now asking, "Why is this guy still here. Why is this guy following me to all these programs."
By Saturday morning, after saying "shalom" for the eighth time, I was now creepy. Romantic turned creepy. By the time Sunday rolled around, she'd met a dozen girls I've dated, and they confirmed I was creepy.

Too Much Energy
I gave so much positive energy. Too much in the beginning.
Goes great for fifteen minutes and then she finds out I've run out of questions about where she's from. Twenty minutes later she hears I'm a rabbi who does comedy. Now, I have no chance. And my material on being single does not help the stalker cause. Especially the stuff about the date that went bad, when I started knocking on her door and her parents said they were going to call the police if I show anymore affection.
I should've left the Shabbaton right after we met. I should've kissed the three-hundred-fifty-dollars goodbye. I would've had a chance if she never saw me again.
I have to get good at not putting out any energy. Just got to sit there, not talk and look cool with my Yarmulke covering my bald head.

I Ate
I can't eat at these things. I'm disgusting. The amount I eat, that will turn off any girl. Guys are disgusted by me.
I focus on food. When I see food, I devour. It's a gorging process done with hands. And it was good food. Which meant I went up five times. The girls know I went up five times. They're counting. They're trying to figure out if there's a reason I'm not buttoning the double-breasted suit. Wearing a double-breasted suit and trying to date girls under sixty is another rookie mistake.
I get involved with food. I see it and I lose myself in it. If you looked up for a second, you would've noticed the look of the girl trying to figure out why this guy is eating steak with his hands licking his fingers at a single weekend.
I put on 20lbs by Saturday morning. Worst time to have a singles event. Food around and it's over for me. A woman should never know I eat. I should go on these things and starve. My two-hundred-thirty-pounds should be an anomaly. They should be asking how this guy got so heavy without eating. At least they wouldn't see me walking around with choolante grease on my shirt Saturday afternoon.

You end up hitting yourself for this stuff. Next time, I'm not making any moves till I'm out of there. I'm going to show up, not eat, not talk. I'm going to leave before any of the girls talk to me and I'm going to go hungry. That's my only chance of meeting a woman and making it happen. And I'm wearing a husky single-breasted suit. And I'm not going to tell the girls it's a husky suit. Girls are not attracted to husky.

If any girls do talk to me, I'm pulling out a timer. Fifteen minutes and I'm out. I see her at another event, there will be no hellos. Unless if I'm at the fourteen minute mark and I have another minute of game in me.
I think I'm ready to meet my Bashert now.
LSimchas,
David

Shalom Dave,
Singles weekends will bring you down. Especially Jewish ones. I just went on a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a weekend event over Shabbat where you know you will only meet people that like Shabbat, due to the lack of live music. You show up, meet people and eat. Shabbatons are singles events where singles are focused on food.
It was nice. I had a good time. I met some good women, got their numbers, got back home and got reject me by phone. But right after the Shabbaton, I felt this great flood of depression running over me for the first time. One that said, "I'm still single. I had just been around so many Jewish singles, and I am still single." And I understood.
Let me be clear. I was down. I wasn't depressed. I don't want this letter being used as proof of a psychological disorder. That will not help the dating prospects any more than being a comedian.
This is what I think brought on the deluge of depression deluge. And I'm a guy. Please tell me if I'm off. I shall break it down. This is why single people walk away from these things depressed.

Two Thousand Singles
There were two thousand singles present over the course of the Shabbaton. With so many singles, I felt like I'd been rejected by the Jewish nation. At the end of the weekend, it hit me that the whole of my people had turned me down.
I met women, but it still made no difference. When there are over a thousand women that are not Matim, not fitting to be your Bashert, in one place, you get the full feeling that your people has rejected you.
When applying, I got rejected by less colleges. There's something to a dating application process.
Over two thousand and not one of them is your spouse. What do you do at that point? Do you move to Israel? Do you retire? Who do you talk to? Gd?

Single People Look Depressed
I kept up the positive energy, but it's tough around Jewish singles who only want to get married, and don't want to meet a guy.
Video adds twenty pounds. Seeing other singles adds twenty levels of depression, and twenty pounds. You see these other singles and you start to see how bad your life is, in front of you. And you start to see these older guys who got heavier. You see that single guy and you start thinking, "Am I like that? Am I over forty and single?!" Women are thinking, "Am I stuck with that guy? Has my life come to this?! Am I dating my dad?! Do all guys get fatter?!"

Didn't Find the Right One Again
That's a realization that hits me when I was driving home. That and dinner. After eating all that food at the Shabbaton, I'd realized I was hungry again.
I met some women. I'm a man, I've got moves like, "Where are you from?" That's my go to pickup line. They always have an answer to that. I don't like to take chances.
Some of my friends didn't meet anybody. Nobody for them to call, to get rejected by phone. And I feel bad for them. Nobody to DM on Instagram, who now sees your picture in the light, to reject you through text. It's a waste of time if you come away from a singles weekend without a woman telling you, "I have a friend that might be good for you."
How many more places do you have to look?! And this weekend was in Florida. Your future creeps up on you real fast down there. You see the ninety year old singles and that brings on a different level of depression. Another fifteen levels. You go on those Shabbatons and they don't even have Instagram messenger to reject you.

I'm Broke
Leaving the Shabbaton, I realized I'm out of money.
I don't know the connection between Shabbatons and inflation, but it's there. The economy has influenced our dating. Interest has affected singles event prices.
I can't afford these events anymore. But I have to go. Otherwise the women know I'm poor. If you can't afford the event, the women know you won't be able to afford Jewish day school.
They can cost up to three hundred fifty dollars. Then, there's the hotels, the flights, the car rental, the dinners. I'm out four thousand dollars. I met the girls, but I can't afford to take them out. I have to wait till May to pay off the debt.
There's got to be a charitable individual out there who doesn't care about poor people. They should be able to fund this. Free would be good. Single people would feel better if they met nobody for free.
But we got food. For three hundred fifty dollars, you want to eat as much as possible. That's why we focus on food.

Speeches
And this hit me at the end. They had speakers reminding us about the fact that we're single.
If you're not down enough. If you haven't lost enough money. If you haven't gone out of your way enough to let people know you're desperate. If you haven't been rejected by over a thousand singles yet. They give a speech about how you messed up.
To spiritually uplift you, they bring in the Kabbalah to let you know that you're single because Gd also doesn't love you astrologically. Your zodiac precludes you from love since the day you were born.
Each speech ends with a practical teaching that you have no hope and you have to go for somebody you don't find attractive. Married people are allowed to be attracted to their spouse, but you have to get married because you're a loser. That's in the Zohar somewhere.
Listening to the speeches, it didn't hit me at the time. Afterwards, I was thinking, "I really did mess up. I definitely went wrong somewhere if I have to listen to this."

People Are Looking
It's a heightened sense of awareness of your being alone at thirty five, forty five, fifty five, ninety five. Truth is, I have no idea what the age of some of those people at the Shabbaton is. When you leave the event and you're all alone again, and broke, the drawing board becomes smaller.
If people went to these events to just enjoy a four thousand dollar weekend, they would walk away happier. Maybe not. The four thousand dollars does hit you. After the weekend. After the high from the energy of the event is over, it hits you. You're broke and you're older.

Those are some of the reasons why people get down on themselves after these weekends. But there is no greater reason than spending all that money to get rejected by the nation. By all of your brethren. I showed up to shul the following Shabbat. I was shocked when they gave me an Aliyah to the Torah. I thought the people didn't want me.
With all that rejection and depression, I'm going to another singles event next weekend. I already paid three hundred fifty dollars to get rejected by another of our tribes that was not in Florida. Maybe they'll have a guest speaker to let us know why we were rejected by the Persian community as well.
At least I ate a lot. I walked away heavier. It might just be the extra pounds bringing me down.

I hope that explains why single people don't like going to singles weekends all the time. Dave. This is why single people like going to couples retreats.
LSimchas,
David

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about AI being anti-Semitic, praying to Gd and thanking Him too much for Chanukah and being alive, and educating us about proper modest gymwear that clashes, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing how Sufganiot don’t have enough jelly, while he still put on weight and ate them.

You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan.
Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married.

The Source
For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for.
The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish.
You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch."

What Is the Labor
It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on.
All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea.

How Much You Must Pay
If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan.
If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee.

Who Pays?
Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans.
If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K.

Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates?
No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question.  Excellent question. There are no rebates.
I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with."

How to Avoid Paying
Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago.
Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas.
Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift.
And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause.
Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment.

What If You Already Like the Girl
Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run.
It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas.

However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married.
The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch.

You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms.
 
End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come.
 
Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code.
 
Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat...
For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona...

(Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created.
After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares...
I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week...

People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance...
No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing...
It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or...
It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic.
If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas...

The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere...

Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it...
When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form.
Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them.

People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings...
Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal.
It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness...

These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could.
A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it...

He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah.
We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you...

Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away.
The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit.

The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim.
I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima.

I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members.
The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle.

I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities.
After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues.

The rabbi truly does not like aerobics.
Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.'

The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying.

Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more.

Tu BAv, the holiday of Jewish love is upon us. So, here's another recording of a bad date.
I was dating this religious girl who just decided to became religious. That was it. She had a bad day, broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and decided she was a Bal Teshuva. She said, 'I don't want to have fun anymore.' She found out she didn't have to pay for Kiddish, and that was it. She was a Bal Teshuva, a returner in penitence, also known as a Chozer BTshuva or somebody who ruins good times.
She just started being religious, which means that I was a heretic, as I was religious my whole life. Let me chronicle this experience so we can learn from it.

She Judged My Blessing
The whole date she couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have enough Kavanah (proper intent) when saying the Bracha. I made the blessing. I thought that was enough. To this day, I still don't know the requisite amount of Kavanah involved in eating a french fry.
She didn't stop. She said I didn't close my eyes enough, and that my Bracha was illegitimate. It was then that we moved onto the conversation of her two kids she had before she decided to become religious. It turns out she now needed somebody to pay for her children to go to Jewish day school. So, she needs a religious man who will commit to this relationship thing.
As soon as she started telling me about her religious journey, I fell asleep. At that point she said, 'Now, that's Kavanah.'

Where Was the Date
I thought a restaurant would be nice. She wanted to go to a Shiur. A class. We showed up to the class. The rabbi sat the men and women on different sides. That was the only part of the date that went well.
It was after the class that we went for dinner. The Hashgacha wasn't good enough at the first restaurant. It only had one rabbinic certificate. She wanted at least four. She said that no restaurant should trust the rabbi giving them a certificate.
​We ended up at a nice dairy cafe. Yankel Mendel's Cafe. She said the name sounded religious enough. She was fine with the three Hashgachas. He had one for dairy, one for meat, and one that said Yankel in Hebrew that she said was a Hashgacha, as it was in Hebrew.

I Asked Her Story
I asked when she became religious. She told me she had an epiphany three weeks ago and told her rabbi that she didn't want to enjoy life anymore. Her rabbi said, 'I think you're on the right path.' And she became religious.
She then told me the whole story of how she became a Bal Teshuva by by telling her parents they did everything wrong. I asked about Kibud Av vEim, honoring your parents. She said she never heard of that commandment.
I asked her what she liked about Yiddishkeit. She had no idea what that meant, and she told me that's not a Frum word. She just knew that she was better than me and her parents.

She Is Now Shomeret Negiah
She told me she wanted to stop touching guys. Now. With me. For religious reasons. I explained to her that this was not a good way to inspire other people to become religious.
I asked what happened with her last boyfriend. She said, 'I just moved out. We broke up and I felt it was time to stop living with him.' It turns out she was partying and touching every guy she could for the past thirty-eight years. As a religious man, I was bothered by how many hands she shook.
Her only focus on the date, other than telling me I'm a bad Jew, was to not touch. I started eating, she was shocked that I touched the cannoli. She said that's not allowed. 'You shouldn't touch. Touching is forbidden.' And then she told me I ate french fries not religiously.
She told me men and women shouldn't be talking. To quote, 'Good religious men don't talk to women.' I had no idea how to respond to that. I sat for a minute in silence. I actually enjoyed that minute. At that point I ended the date. I didn't tell her I was ending the date. I thought getting up and leaving, and not footing the bill, was what a good religious man would do.
So, I got up and devoured that cannoli with the a passion that could only be seen by a man who hasn't touched a woman since second grade, when he danced the Hora, not knowing that was a sinful act.

In her religious journey, she learned nothing about honoring her parents. But she did learn touching and talking to men is forbidden. And she has to go on dates. She learned how to go on dates and tell the guy he is a heretic.

I called off the second date and spent that time with my Musar rebbe, who also told me that I need more intent when I make a Bracha. He said, 'It's a french fry. It comes from H'. A good one has that crunch. You know, the oily ones that went back in the deep fryer. You have Kavanah! For crying out loud! Kavanah! That stuff is good. Then you dunk it mayonnaise or ketchup. Put on a few pounds...' I had never heard somebody go off like that, on love of french fries and Gd. After the french fry speech, I got a call from her rabbi saying he was very disappointed in me. He never met me, but he heard I was touching stuff on the date. I felt so bad when he asked, 'Cannolis?!' I felt like a sinner. That date ruined my chances with any girl from Neve Seminary.
I didn't do anything right that date. It felt like I was having dinner with my family.

Next time I went out was with another Shomeret Negiah girl, she said we can't touch until we get married. I proposed the first date.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.

After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser.

The Half Person Speech
'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not.
Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse.

You Need Man and Woman
'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes.
'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis.

The You Weren't Happy Speech
Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.'
They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling.
Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.'

You Were A Bachur
'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl.

Bayit Ne'eman
That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith.

There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew
This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.'
Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.'
Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married.
Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire.
And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight.

Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house.
I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help.

When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.

You're Introduced to the Family
He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.'

His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates
He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that.

He Introduces You to His Brother
Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?!

You're His Plus One
The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage.
If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over.

He Yells at You
That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel.
Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing.

He Stops Getting the Car Door for You
He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date.

He Says He Loves Your Cooking
You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it.

He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza
Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship.

He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn
When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work.

He Posts a Picture of the Two of You
He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care.

A Lollipop on Shabbis
That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works.

He Starts Asking You for Stuff
He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job.

There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes
And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi.

Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love.
Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy.
 
Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles.
 
For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama.
 
Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew...
Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying.
They know what ugly is.

There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules...

They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other...
You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas...

H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas...
Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding.
Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord.

(Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul...
You see things... You hit on a young guy.
And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub.

It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there...
No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan...
They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now.

Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.'

These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now.

They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her.

Rivka’s Rundown
I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish.

Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there.
I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine.

They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes.
One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal.
It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her.

Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her.
To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you.

Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage.

We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community.
It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people?

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.

Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly.
Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online.

Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet
You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. 
You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand.

Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah
As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah.
You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah.
If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix.

Work On Your Profile Pictures
If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures.
You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families.
Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand.
If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK.

Go On a Dating App
If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages.
If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert.

Start a Website
Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree).
Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch.
You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app.
Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect.

I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help.
I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online.
Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah).

As Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday, it gets me thinking about bad dates I've been on. We all have our stories, and most women have theirs about me. Here are a bunch of mine, not including every Shidduch date, blind date, I have ever been on.

The Time She Decided to Be Shomeret Negiah
I didn't enjoy that date very much.
She decided she wanted to be Shomeret Negiah with me. She decided to start with me. Just with me. She said, 'I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys starting now. With you. With other guys, I touched them. We did everything. But I want this to be a meaningful relationship. So, I don't want to touch you.' It was at that moment, I decided I wanted a non-meaningful relationship. She ended that statement with 'and you never touch me!'
Second date, I asked her to marry me. She wanted to know why and I told her, 'Because I want to touch you!' I felt left out. Every other guy did.

Rejected from Blind Date Shidduch
She was not attracted to the thought of me. That hurt.

Zoom Date
That was either the next level of Shomer Negiahness or COVID.
That girl got mad at me because I wanted to see her in person. She claimed that I was crude and didn't understand the ways of the world. She wanted to report me to the Shadchan.
I tried reasoning that it's hard to have an intimate 2D relationship. That got her angrier. She didn't like guys that were not in flat screen form. She even got mad when I sent her a set of red and blue white cardboard glasses. She refused to see guys in 3D form. She said it makes her dizzy.
I was bothered, as I had no idea how to form a relationship with somebody I can't see. How do we go out?! How do you eat together online?! She put up a park with blanket laid out on her green screen. Next thing I know, she's sitting on her basement floor with a picnic basket. Then, I see a car moving on her green screen with her sitting in it. She wanted to give it the full effect of us going out on a date. She even photo-shopped my face into the guy driving.
She wanted virtual kids, and developing this relationship was virtually impossible.

Girl Who Called Me Cheap
I took her to Black Burger. How is that cheap?!!! Eighteen dollars a hamburger. Big one is twenty-five dollars. You can't call me cheap.
I asked about the sign. That's when she called me cheap. Cheap for asking a question about a sign that had 'sale' plastered on it. I would think they would want people to ask about it. You'd have to be a fool not to.
I had some questions. Here are a few of them: Is that burger really twenty-five dollars? Does that come with another burger? Are you sure it's a burger? Is the burger a ribeye? You sure it's a burger? Is she supposed to pay for her burger?
Next date, I showed up with coupons. Twenty-five dollars?!! How can you not pull out a coupon?! Yes. I am still stuck on twenty-five dollars a burger. If we were married, I would be bringing the twenty-five dollars up every day. If she ever complained about rent, I would bring up the twenty-five dollars. 'We sending the kids to Jewish day school?' 'I spent twenty-five dollars on a hamburger.'

Girl I Forgot I Dated
That was awkward. She thought I wanted to give it a second chance. I just forgot how bad the first time was. Personally, I have a tendency of forgetting traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences would be every Shidduch date I have been on.

The JDate Date
I thought she was Jewish.
She said she was a lover of Jews. Israel can use more supporters. And JDate is doing a great job of encouraging that.
Next time I'm looking to date a Jewish girl, I'll check out muslimpersonals.com.

Divorcee
I called, I hear a kid crying. Then I hear another kid crying. I am on the other side of the phone, I hear a third kid start crying, I started to cry. We went out and all she talked about were how important her kids are. She didn't want to hear about my pet hamster. I thought that was selfish of her. I nurtured that hamster.
We went out with her again. I figured they're getting child support. I can use that money.
I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese cost that much. When you have to feed the kids too, I can't afford dates. I think she was just trying to score free meals for the little ones. I had to get their dad to wire money for the pizza. After he wired the money that second date got better. All I know is that hamsters are not that expensive.
Truth is it was a kosher pizza place in the food court. There were games. It felt like Chuck E. Cheese. Not going to lie. It was awkward going on a date with her kids, because she couldn't find a sitter, but I had a lot of fun jumping in the balls bin.
From now on, I always tell divorcees that they have to pay for their children if the kids are tagging along. If they can find a sitter, that's great, but they I am not wealthy enough to chip in for those either. That's unless there are coupons involved.

If there is anything you can learn from me... get married, so you don't have to go out. It's always awkward.
For all the ladies out there who want a good date at a falafel stand, check me out on JDate.

The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs.

They Will Never Trust You
You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would.
It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party.
If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care.
Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis.

Women Like Surprises
They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date.
Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to.

How it Works At a Simcha
You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet).
Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her.
They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women.
If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim.

How It Works The Rest of the Time
People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives.
The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher.
And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over.

Even Online You Need A Shidduch
Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you.

It Gives the Community Something To Do
This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish.
When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you.
It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well.
If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara.

So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved.

​Announcements 
The singles dinner for Tu BAv will take place next week. No singles signed up for the dinner tonight. We realized that charging money chases single people away. We also learned that they're not good at committing to anything. For this reason, the event will take place next week, with no commitment from anybody. We were advised that the exact numbers we should cook for is 'a lot.'
We will host them instead, so they don't have to give anything to anybody. They're not used to giving. 
 
No more Carlebach Chazins. No more jumpers. We need to be able to find you. From now on Cantors must stand at the Chazin’s podium. If you're leading services, you cannot end up in somebody's seat, or somewhere outside the shul.
 
There are Yahrzeits in the shul this week. Don't worry. The office will send you letters to make sure you donate money. All deaths are logged for financial reasons.
 
If you're single, please get married. It depresses us to have to see you in shul. You would look less pathetic with a Tallis or head-covering. Please. For the sake of the children of the shul and their hope for a decent future, get married. The parents of the shul are having a hard time explaining you.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People who Don't Pay Dues...

The word 'VaEtchanan' comes from Chanun. Compassion. When Moshe prays to God, he is asking for His compassion. The same way I ask for compassion from my congregants to not bother me... who can't figure out what a Shoresh is... It's the root word, Bernie. Chanun is the Shoresh of VaEtchanan... Every sermon, I have to give a five minute course on what the Parsha is... Go over the Parsha. If you listened at Hebrew school...
Pray for the single people. They need your help. Single people need your compassion. Look at them. They're pathetic... 

Moshe wants to go to Israel and H' tells him no... Moshe listens, unlike the board, who feels that baseball games is what the community needs... We need a Minyin. We need people who donate money when there's a Yahrzeit... Bills! Bills, Bernie.
(Devarim 3:26) Moshe tells the people that H' told him, 'It is enough for you. Speak to Me no more regarding this matter.' I tried telling this to the board, but they're not religious. Why can't I get the congregants to stop asking me questions... If you listened, we would've had a normal singles event... I know they can't commit. That's why they're single. Your questions regarding fundraising. It's too much. Somebody dies. You make money off it. They die and you ask the family for money. It's not hard. You don't complicate it with candle light vigils... I told you we need a cantor who will get through the davening. You bring a  guy to sing Carlebach songs. We can't even find him half the time. He's hopping all over. Speak to me no more regarding this matter.

Rashi quotes Sifrei who translates 'Rav Lecha' (too much for you) to mean that 'you have much.'
I know single people have nothing...
We have a lot. Those who aren't single have a lot. A great family... We have to understand that, and see the good we have. We can't go jumping away from the good, adding to stuff all the time. Be happy with what you have, unless if you're single. Single people have very little. If anything... Just stick to what you have... The Feldsteins have very little... Everybody talks about how pathetic your home is. Even the single people...
We have a beautiful Tefillah. The prayers are amazing. Accept what we have. We have beautiful prayers. The congregants have no idea what they mean, but they're beautiful. We can't have a Chazin jumping away from it.
We lost the Chazin. He was a jumper… Middle of Lecha Dodi, where did he go?! That’s what we were trying to figure out all last night... We were happy to see you this morning. We thought you got lost in your jumping…
The Carlbeach Chazin is too much… He jumped off the Bima and ended up somewhere in the corridor… You stay on your stage. We had no idea where you were. We thought we lost you... You have a spot. You have much. It's a beautiful spot with a podium. Stay there...
We have people who love baseball. A great shul fantasy league. We have much. The congregants have no idea who Pinchas was. They know who Vladimir Guerroro Jr. is. We have much talking in the middle of Davening...

H' tells Moshe to go up to the top of the Mountain and see it. Sometimes you have to notice that there's a future. You accept your spot in this world and you give to the future... Bernie. You've done enough. Sometimes it's time to move on... 
(Devarim 3:28) He tells Moshe, 'Tell Yehoshua to be strong and courageous.' He tells Mosh to pass the leadership on... 'Strong and courageous.' The only advice I got from the board was 'watch out for Bernie'... You support me. You don't tell me to watch out for the membership. You don't tell me that you'll be a thorn in my side...
Like Moshe gave Yehoshua the correct advice, give the single people decent advice. Not hand-me-downs. Help them get married... I know Tu BAv was yesterday. Give them hope... Even if it's a lie. Tell them they have to be strong. Go to the gym and work out to meet somebody. These people are so out of shape in our shul. You can't meet anybody if you're weak... To our single people. Be strong. Start working out. And you might have some courage... They have very little to offer.

Why is everybody wearing white?… It's the Tu BAv tradition to run to the fields too. You're not running. You're too out of shape. Very not strong... You’re married. It's not showing solidarity with the single people to wear white. You're stealing their dates. Single people are supposed to wear the white stuff. The women wear it and the guys know they're single. And you don't even cover your hair. How are the single guys supposed to know to not hit on you... The ring is tiny... We know the Feldsteins are poor...
It's all too much. This whole shul is too much. Be happy with what you have. Don't make it too much.

Even at the baseball game, you all ate so much... We have so much in this shul. Stop sharing ideas with me. It's annoying already. See all the stuff we have. Maybe open the Chumash and go over the Parsha... So, I don't have to explain everything, Bernie... Have compassion on your rabbi and stop asking so many questions.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Second week in a row where the rabbi's message was that the shul is too much. He's correct. The congregants are painful.

The shul doesn’t pay the bills. That's why we still have a building fund. Forty years running. A building fund. They built the building and didn't have the funds. We've had a thermometer outside the shul for the past forty years.
 
I think the rabbi was too honest with the single people. They did mess up. They know it. They spent their post Tu BAv crying about how they have nothing.
It's hard to know who's single in shul. When you're in the middle of the Amidah (Silent prayer) you don't know who to hit on.
We need married codes. The problem is the members aren't religious enough. If they were, we would see Sheytels. Those wigs are clear. A real Sheytel lets you know that's a married woman. When you see twice the amount of normal hair on somebody, you know they're married. I think we need tags. Modern people will wear tags. They won't cover their hair. We don't have to worry about the men. Nobody hits on them. The men in our congregation look awful.

I think the rabbi told Bernie it's time for him to die. Between us, his kids won't give anything to the shul. They probably won't even buy a plaque.

The Chazin was jumper. Very good height on his bounces. The rabbi truly was worried we lost him. He even sent a search party out before reading the Torah.
 
They did eat a lot at the baseball game. And they begged for more. They wanted more. They were praying for more, and the rabbi had to tell them ‘it’s too much for you. You’ve had a lot.’ This is part of the reason they're out of shape.

The fantasy league is a bit much. They have a chart in the back of the shul showing where the congregants are placing in the fantasy league. They took down one of the memorial plaque boards for the chart. They said their ancestors were baseball fans. It's an embarrassment.
The men can't figure out how to call up anybody for an Aliyah, but they have the order of the fantasy standings down. They have no idea what their parents' Hebrew names are, but they can name every rookie in the National League.

How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch.

What are similarities?
Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. 

And that's it?
Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. 

That's it? Just Jewish?
Yes. 
Jews are very similar.

In what way?
They're Jewish.

Do you do research?
I study. I’m a history buff.

Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes?
Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew.

But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel.
That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish.

What are they?
Frum.

So, how do you set them up?
I don't. I set up their parents.
If their parents say yes, they get married.

How do the parents know what the kid wants?
The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. 

What do the kids want?
I talk to the parents.

How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews?
Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them.

How do you do that?
If they both speak English​. English.

But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard.
Exactly.

Then how do you limit the options?
I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married.

How do you know it's right?
God. God creates Shidduchim.

Then what are you doing?
Figuring out who's Jewish.

Doesn't God know who's Jewish?
It's a complicated matter.

Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married?
Yes. When I get the money.
I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side.

How do you charge?
Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge.

Not all marriages are good.
That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings.
100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents.

The documents?
When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof.

Do you work with the Shidduch resume?
I’ve found many single people good jobs. 

Isn't the resume for finding people a match?
If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important.

Do you use it for anything else?
Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities.
​
What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven?
Those guys live in Topeka. No chance.

Then how will they meet somebody?
I'll set them up. 

They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka.
That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English?
​
Yes.
If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen.

Conclusion
Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up.

I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.'
The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married.
 
In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance.
The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English.
I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.