Shalom Dave,
You wanted more information about the speed dating and what happened with the girls I met. Well, I went on another speed date thing, and I met more girls. This thing is amazing. I've met so many girls. I haven't met one in person yet. But that's not the point. I'm doing great online.
Tu BAv, I was on the online speed dating too. Figured, there's less of a chance of getting stood up online. It's hard to say "I couldn't find the internet, so I went home." Though, some have said that.
I’ll tell you about the follow-up dates next time. In the meantime, let me tell you what I learned. This thing is great. You can meet anywhere. You can get in and out of the dates with no blame. You can present yourself better. On screen, you only have to show shoulders up. I can skip leg and torso date preparation. 

I have a more positive approach now. Thanks for that push of, “You can do it. Online, you’ve got a chance.” I appreciate that.
Check it out. Last time I clicked yes on three of them. Got two yeses back. I’m telling you, standards are different online. They’re more desperate virtually. And they have no idea why I have the beard. I place the camera looking down a bit. They can't see the extra chins.

​I'm getting this down. And there are so many options for the date itself.
Where do you meet? Let me tell you how it goes. It's speed dating, Dave. It's not the real date. It's that initial meeting. And it's online. You don’t have to travel an hour and sit in a room with these people. You sit in your kitchen, and then you tell them you have to go.
And it's great for women too. You meet the guy real quick, and then the Yutz is off the screen. The beauty of speed dating online. You go onto the next date with the other guy who’s too cheap to go on a date outside of his den.
I realized I can go on these dates anywhere my Wi-Fi reaches.
You can date in your living room, kitchen, den. The options are endless. You can even meet in a cafe if they have free internet. How many people go to a cafe and have somebody to talk to nowadays. You see all these people sitting alone, on their computers. Here, you’re on your computer with somebody. That’s socializing.
And then five minutes later, you're on the screen with someone else. The barista is starting to think you're a player. Everybody is talking, "Look at that guy. Everybody wants to see him not in person."

​I've been mastering the online dating persona. And that means my place has to look good and I have to look good.
I could've done better. Next time, I'm going to clean the backdrop a bit. There was a spider web right behind my head the whole time. I had the whole house and I was talking from a spider web. Second date with one of the girls, mold was growing.
I' lucky I have my own place. There was no roommate in the background.

It's tough for the divorcees. It's tough to date with family
Turns out a lot of these women have kids. I can handle kids on a regular date. I can't handle them on an online date. They're there.
Some of these women are calling from the bathroom. Trying to avoid the kids. 
You hear family yelling in the background because mom didn't serve them dinner. And it's hard to explain, "There's no dinner because mom is out on a date right now. In the bathroom."
One was on the speed date from her living room. Kids were running around in the background. I had a hard time clicking "yes" on that girl. 
One called from her car. Her daughter was on the speed date from the back seat. That was awkward. I'm asking what you want in a family. The mother is like, "Not that thing in the back seat." The girl is like, "Ice cream." I was thinking, "A booster seat is important." Her daughter ended up rejecting me.
I'm happy that one didn't work out. I don't need her bringing the kids to Shlomo's Steak and Burger. Now she's not the only one scoring a free meal.

You have to put aside the time. I did it. You've got to give me credit for that. You think I'm not trying, but I am. I should've cleaned my living room a bit before the speed date call. Maybe vacuumed. I will say, that woman's bathroom was impeccable. Sparkling.
You've got to prepare for these things. Comb your hair. Shave. Cut your nails. You should put on pants. 

And a great feature is it’s timed. So, I can't say too much. Talking too much you get in trouble. And the screen is your excuse to run from the crazies. You see 58 seconds on the screen, that means you start to say goodbye. “Shoot. Got to go. Would love to continue this conversation about your little puddle. But I can’t. Oh. No.”

I think I have it down. Maybe soon, I'll be able to meet them in a cafe, in person. Baby steps.

Brachas,
​David

Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

​The Chief Rabbinate instituted Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim as the one thing to do celebrate the Chag. And thus, they are heretics. Any Frum person knows, celebrating Jerusalem is Asur. Forbidden. Any way of celebrating the city we pray for is definite heresy.
Some people walk around Jerusalem, taking steps in the Holy City to celebrate the holiday. But we know exercise is also Asur.  
 
(VaYikra 25:14) When doing business don’t wrong your fellow, unless if you’re making a lot of money. Then it feels like the right thing to do. You rip them off, it feels Gishmack.
If you're going to lie, make sure you're making a lot of money off it. Then you can donate some of that to the community. They might even honor you with a plaque. Thus, making it a Mitzvah to steal.

Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21) teaches, “Man must stay very far from women.” And that’s how dating works. For more Torah education on how to court a woman…
And countless marriages have been saved due to the wisdom of our sages.
 
Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21:3) says you can look at a girl, only to see if she’s fit for marriage. And it would appear that I’ve thought to marry many women recently.
You look to check whether she is a virgin or not. How to do this, I do not know. How do you check out a girl for marriage? “She’s a girl. I guess she can get married. And that is what I was checking out just now. I was staring at the young woman only to see if she is of marriage age.” And that is what you tell your wife. And that is supposed to make things better.
And it is fitting to do so. When you see a woman, you should think about marrying her. And this is why it is very awkward for women to work in retail. They think they're working as a cashier, the guy getting change thinks he's proposing.

A note of interest: This is why married men have been joining the Shadchan field. On the spot, they get caught checking out a girl, they tell their wives they’re thinking of a Shidduch for them. They become Shadchanim like that, immediately. And it saves their marriage.
And the Shulchan Aruch continues, “But he may not look at her in a promiscuous way.” And this is why many religious men, when they look at women are checking out the soul.
And that’s what I say when people catch me checking out a woman. “It is Halachik. I’m only looking at her figure because of marriage. And that really means I’m looking at her soul.” And now you all know I’m a good holy Jew.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Celebrating Yerushalayim makes you a heretic. And stealing from other people is a Mitzvah, if you get a plaque with your name on it out of the deal. And the way you get to know the woman you want to marry is by staying away from her. And checking out women is fine, as long as you're thinking about taking them as your second wife. I believe that's what we've learned from our rabbi this month.

I'm forty-seven years old and I try not to lead on younger women. But as Pascal said, "The heart has its reasons which reason does not know," and thus I get in trouble. And I can't figure out why.
So, I'm talking to this younger woman and she's showing interest, saying she'll be more than half my age in a couple years. She then asked if I had a physical lately and asked to see my bloodwork. Now I know she's serious about a relationship. 
I'm pretty much an open book, so I show her my bloodwork, the vein they stuck the needle in, and my tax returns. She smiled saying that I was a good candidate and that we shouldn't wait too long. I was flattered. And then she tried to sell me life insurance.

It turns out her flirting got me, and I got the life insurance. No romance. Later though, she was nice enough to introduce me to her friend who plans to collect on that life insurance.

The romance doesn't stop there. I was working at this Jewish retreat center and these two women said, "We want you to marry us!" My face turned white. I looked at them and told them that I can't do it. "I really only have feelings for one of you, and I just can't share that." They gave me a quizzical look and I was confused. They said, and I'll remember these words till the day I die, "No you idiot. You're an ordained rabbi and we want you to marry us."

I was bothered by those two women. They should know that according to Halacha, nowadays, I can only marry one of them. So, I walked away. I will tell you this. Neither of those women are getting any life insurance.

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David

Dear Dave,
And now this just happened. I know I just sent a letter, but now this happened.

I made the mistake and went to the wedding. Relative got married. So, I drove back down to New York. 
It got out that I was driving seven hours. So, my cousin thought it's a good idea to ask me to pick up his family.

Let me repeat. I'm driving seven hours to this event. I get a, "Can you pick us up?!" Like I was driving seven hours because it was my turn for the carpool. 
So, now I'm driving another two hours to pick up family. We're now driving nine hours. How that makes sense? I don't know. It's how carpools work in my family. Truth is, I have never driven the family carpool before, because I don't live anywhere near them.
In his mind, me driving an extra two hours is nothing. Why? Because I'm single.
We got other cousins living down the street from him. I've got siblings right by him. Can't call them. "Your sister is going to come? It's a long drive for her." Fifteen minutes. That how long the drive is for my sister. "She has to drive fifteen minutes out of her way. That's no right. She shouldn’t have to come pick me up."
The whole time, I'm thinking, "Does he not know he's talking to me right now!!!" Did I hear that correctly?! Me driving the extra two hours, now driving nine hours. Me. I have to hear that fifteen minutes is too much????!!!! I'm driving seven hours, by myself. I don't think he caught that part.

So, I of course say "yes." And still no credit. Because my sister is married.
Like I said the other day, they get credit for not showing. Them not helping, they get credit for that. "Your sister doesn't have time. She has kids."
Why do they think married people are always busy? I know a lot of very irresponsible parents. And they are not busy watching over their children. And I know this, because I go to shul.
And by the way, single people have responsibilities. They have dogs. And you won't even let them bring the dog to the wedding. How Frum Jewish weddings never let you bring a plus one.

It's at this point that I've already listened to every podcast that exists about Trump going into Iran. And I have another five hours left. Silence. Nothing to listen to other than "Karma Chameleon" for five hours.
What got me going is my aunt then asked me to pick her up. That's another forty-five minutes out of the way. So, we're up to ten and a half hours of driving, just to get there. My sister is up to sixty-five minutes. Round trip.

I appreciate my sister and her time. I just thought that I had time too. Like time existed for me. Like I had stuff to do during this thing that married people call "time." 
I would love to get some of this time stuff.

In the meantime, I'm driving around to all the married people's homes, because it turns out married people don't have the ability to pick people up.
How carpools work when I'm not driving twenty hours, I have no idea. How kids make it to baseball practice, I have no idea.
I hope nobody brings up carpools as a topic of conversation at the wedding. I will end up having to drive down to the Bronx to pick up my cousin's in-law's child for little league.
I'm going to end up doing their chores. Watch. They're talking right now, "I can't run errands today. David has freetime. He's single. What's David doing in Upstate New York. Maybe we should reach out to David. Have him drive down and pick up the milk. He’s single."

If I bring up that a married person can help, they start going off on everything married people have ever done to help. I'm hearing, "Back in kindergarten, I helped John and Samantha trace the 'c.'"

Just be fair with who you ask for what. They have to stop expecting single people to do everything.
How do I tell my family I have a life? How do I tell them, “I have my own errands to run”?

Point is, I need somebody in my life so that I don't have to pick up family. 
I have to get married. Then I'll never have to help again... I just broke into musical. I took a break and wrote a musical dream sequence. I was inspired.
If I have a family, I'll never have to help family.

If you talk to my family, please let them know I do stuff. Here's a list of things I do: Basketball, learn Torah sometimes, take care of the house, worry about the house, vacation, date, entertainment, watch a series, worry, watch another series, worry about what series I'm going to watch next, forget I had a date, go to shul when I wake up on time, work out, get more sleep, watch a few movies, go over my baseball cards because I had a hobby that I spent a lot of money on forty years ago.
Don't tell the girls I collect cards. Tell them I lift. That sounds cool. And don't tell them I help people. They hear I'm single and I help, we go on a date, they're going to ask me to pick them up.

Problem is when they hear I'm going to the Simcha. Somehow, the people who are celebrating let everybody know, "David can pick you up." They're about to get married and they make it a point to screw me over.
That's it. I'm never telling family I'm coming. I shall never RSVP again.

Is my understanding of what they expect from single people correct? Do married people ever get asked to do favors?
I'm just happy they didn't ask me to help the caterer. Nobody asked me to pick up the wedding cake on my way.

Got to run. My single friend at work just asked me to take over his shift. He said, "It wouldn't be right to ask the other guys to help, they're married and they have responsibilities."

LSimchas,
​David

Dear Dave,
Why is nothing I do as a single person appreciated? A person of single origin.

I showed up to the Bris. I was there. That's all I have to say. Somebody has to tell my family that.
They didn't forget anybody else. Just me. All married people were noticed. I know this, because my nephew went over the list of people who showed up to watch the circumcision. He named them all. "Shimi, Baruch and their families even came. And... But I don't remember you being at the Bris. And you're single. And you have nothing else to do." 
By the way, as an old single man, I can't announce, "I'm here to watch the circumcision." That's one of the things I've learned over many years of being single. Maybe it's better I wasn't on that list. As a single man, it's better for me to sign my name at a funeral than a Bris.

I went to the Bris. I was there. I feel like I have to prove it to you too. I'm sorry I didn't take pictures. If you want pictures, my cousin was loving the whole thing. She has a whole Bris album.
I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures and putting together a special Bris album. Is it fine to have dedicated Bris pictures? I don't know. I feel like there's a reason most people stick to wedding albums.

That was an eight-hour drive to Long Island. I got nothing. Not even a thank you. People drove in from Brooklyn, they got an announcement. “The family that went out of their way, on their trip to Queens…” That's what married people get. Credit for stopping by for breakfast.
No credit. I need a family, just to be remembered. To get some credit.

Even if they do remember, it's because I have free time. "He had free time. So, he drove eight hours. That's what single people do, because they have free afternoons." Like I have nothing going on. Like there isn't a new series I want to watch?!!! 

​Why do I want some credit? To feel like a person. I'm not even asking for married person credit. I'm just asking for some credit. Something. Maybe, "We want to thank the guy in the back without friends who came because he had nothing to do."

Nothing other than kids takes time. You can’t do anything good as a single. Anything good they start with, “He has free time. I would've dedicated twelve years to saving children in Sudan too. I just have a family.” No matter how much you help. “The reason your uncle came to the circumcision. He’s a failure.”
No idea why I showed up to the Bar Mitzvah either. No family points, and I'm now a creep, because they invited me. I have to stop showing up to Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions.
Funerals. I have to show to funerals. At least I won't feel bad if the Baal Simcha doesn't give me credit.

Response to me showing to a family party, driving by myself, no sleep, missing work. “He’s single. He’s a yutz.” “It’s free time. Married people don't have that.” “He visits sick people because he’s lonely.” “He goes to nursing homes because he's hoping to meet somebody.” “He’s here because he has no job.” “He came for the free food.” I traveled through the night for the falafel party. I drove by myself, lost work with no second income in the house, because I like the garbanzos. By the time that trip was over, the expense was six-hundred-eighty-dollars. But I got a free pita. I am still trying to figure out why they had an Israeli themed Bris, naming the kid "Yankel."
The Chutzpah of it. They don't think I work, and not one of them offers to pay for my gas.
 
Married people don’t show, they get credit for that. “They have so much going on with their kids. They couldn’t come. Their hearts are here.” Do you know how much credit my siblings get for their hearts showing up to events?!
“David has no heart… Because he has no kids.”

Am I paranoid? No. They see me as a yutz with no future prospects. 
They can at least help. There is no reason they can't go around at the Bris and ask if anybody is in the process of getting a divorce.

I need to have kids just to get credit. I could stay home and get more credit and family points for sleeping. "David needs sleep. He couldn't come. You should be more like him and sleep through family events."
When you’re not there, they think you have something going on. Next time, I shall stay home. People will think I’m accomplishing stuff. My nephew might even think I was there. My absence is more present than my presence. Think about that for a moment. That's quite spiritual, Dave.
 
That’s enough for today. It’s good to get it out.

Point is that nothing you do will ever be appreciated. You can do Mitzvahs. They don't care.  Visit the sick, they think you’re hitting on them while they have pnemonia. Other than that. “The guy doesn’t even work.”
Point is it's not worth it to do Chesed. Don't help people. Helping people makes you look like you have nothing going on in your life. Hell. I am going to stop giving charity.
You want to be loved, don’t help and don’t do anything for anybody else. They will appreciate you more for that.
When you and your wife visit the sick or show to family Simchas, parties, do you guys get credit?

My advice to any single person. Don't show to family events.
If you do show up, just pop in and say, "I'm only running in to say Mazel Tov." You show up to an event to run out, that's a something. Everybody remembers that. "He came to not be here. That's our successful relative." "What does he do?" "No idea. He never has time to stay. An overachiever. Very proud of him."
You get credit for not being there.

Your advice is appreciated. Should I just stay home? Get people thinking something is going on in my life?
​If you could, please remind my nephew and his parents that I showed to his son's Bris. Also, please remind him I had a conversation with him about me being there.
Next circumcision I go to, I'm taking a lot of selfies. Bris album on my wall. 

LSimchas,
David

Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked.

Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn.
Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day.

The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects.
 
Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah.
Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon.
Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar.

Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that.
As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different.
By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it.

Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis.

Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul.

They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you.

They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you.

Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy."

Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis."

They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower.
By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers.
I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people.

I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'"
I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues.

And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food.

I don't know.
They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me.

LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The Tu BAv single people event is happening for all the divorcees. Old single people who have never been married cannot come to these events either. Or any shul events. We want to be clear. You also scare divorcees.

The wall will be renovated for security. It will be a secure structure. This will keep out terrorists. The wall we have now does not keep out terrorists and it is always falling down. We will call it "The Terrorist Wall."
 
We want to commend Camp Rachok MeiHorim for not letting the kids write letters to their parents for first two weeks. It’s good Chinuch. Kids learn that their parents don’t want to hear from them.
 
A Kosher slushy stand is opening. That’s the best we’re going to get. It’s a place to go to and sit outside when 7-Eleven is too packed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Build a Wall Correctly to Keep Out Singles. What To Do When Your Kids Try to Contact You and the Mitzvah of Honoring Your Parents Not Your Kids. Where to Move to When 7-Eleven is Your Best Kosher Restaurant. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts 
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
H’ made a Brit with you at Sinai... No. It wasn’t a communal Brit Milah. I’m dealing with idiots. A covenant... A Bris is a covenant and a Brit Milah. This is too complicated having to explain Ashkenazi vs Hebrew pronunciations... If you would know some Hebrew the sermons would be much quicker.
After hearing he can’t go into Israel, Moshe tells the people it’s their fault, and then tells them they better practice the Mitzvot... Yes. It's your fault. How we end up with a Kosher slushy stand is your fault. That was not in Gd's covenant when He gave us choolante... Brain freezes are a curse. Not a covenant. Though they happen all the time, there's no Slurpee covenant that you shall drink it and feel like you are dying every time.
(Devarim 5:1) Moshe says to them, “Hear Israel the decrees and the ordinances that I speak into your ears today.” Moshe doesn’t say to talk Bernie... Listen. Listen to your rabbi’s sermons. I am giving over H’s word and you don’t even hear it... Because you talk. There was never a commandment to talk. Because you say stupid stuff.
This is why H' has to talk right into the ear. Because you guys don't hear anything unless I scream it in your ear...
“And teach your children.” Or they end up like the kids in our shul who are athletes... Apikorsim. Same thing.

No commandment to talk. There are Mitzvahs to listen to H’. To believe in H’. The only time they talk is when they are like “Moshe. Do it for us. Go up there and get the commandments for us. You do the work.”
When you guys talk, you mess things up. Like your kids... At least teach your kids correctly... OK. First listen and then teach. The problem is you don’t listen. Then your kids end playing softball like a bunch of fools, kicking the ball... I know that's kickball. But you guys are coaching them and they think they're playing a different game, because you don't listen.
When you don’t hear Gd’s commandments, and you’re in the back talking about how your new air-conditioner just kicked on, you end up messing everything up for your religion...

You don't listen. You end coming up with messed up Shidduchim. You share dumb ideas. Then your kids don't get married to these people. You bring them into the shul, and I have to deal with it. It's your fault...
And what about listening to the message of Tu BAv?! Maybe we have to think about older people who never got married. They’re not allowed anywhere. They can't go to parks. They can’t be neighbors. They can't be youth directors.
They can’t even go to singles events. Those things only run up to thirty-five. They're even too old to be single.
How do we help these scary old singles, other than quarantining them from other people. And I get that you want to keep your kids away for safety...
Divorcees have done something. These old single people have never done anything. They are useless. And they can't educate kids or they'll get locked up...
You educate to your kids go out with ugly people. Look at the back left. All married in... Exactly.
Listen to what the single people are saying. They want to do something. They want to be married. They don't want to marry into your family. And I get that. I see you guys every week...
The decree is to get married. But if you don't meet anybody. If you can't go to events... That's how you end up here.

When you don't listen and hear, you end up believing false gods. Like a security wall that doesn’t work... You didn’t even think Trump’s wall was a good idea...
A wall for security? We’ve had a wall forever... So, we’re going to have Scarface now popping in the back of our shul. Shooting everybody up from behind the non-bulletproof wall?!
And what makes the wall bulletproof? Concrete? The walls we have are made of concrete. Why not just listen to the people who used to make walls?!... That's what happens when you don't listen and you teach kids wrong. Drywall. 
Maybe get a wall that doesn't fall down. That's all. plaster it right... I believe in security. Not stupidity. Not congregants who don't listen... How about a wall that keeps out congregants?!
How does a wall keep out terrorists? It didn't keep out any of our congregants... Immigrants can get through the wall.
Ein LDavar Sof. There is no end to safety when you don't listen to Gd... Every single one of the renovation ideas is messed up. Beforehand it was because people will die, rolling down a ramp that has an incline of one inch. That didn’t sell. Now it’s security.
And kids are educated in youth groups which are on the other side of the wall. What about them...
The Terrorist Wall is not a good name for it. It sounds like an invite. Like a wall made for them. It will only draw terrorists. And how do we keep out congregants? That should be the discussion... You don't deal with them. Congregants are just as bad.

Security in sanctuary??? What about in the hallway? Do you not care about the kids? Did we not learn to educate them... I understand, you have done an excellent job of educating them that their parents don't care. "The kids can go. If they must go, they must go. would’ve been better if they didn’t come back from camp"... How much security in a sanctuary where you are praying. Do you not believe in Gd...

You send your kids to summer camp, when you don’t listen to H’s word. H’ was talking about encamping. Encamping around the Mishkan... The Tabernacle was not the name of a Machane Kayitz.
So, the kids can’t write home for two weeks? They come home after three... Michelle. Your kids can't write.
And if your kid has an emergency. "Excellent. Great. It’s a shame the bear got them. It’s a shame the buddy system didn’t work out." This way at least you don't get blamed for The Terrorist Wall.

It's about educating your children correctly. They don't get that from you, because you don't listen. They don't get it from the Camp Rachok MeiHorim... They come back thinking "Bang Bang Clap" is a Jewish song...
And now the divorcees have no money for dates, because your kids should be encamping. Not in camp. And you would know that if you listened to H'...
So. You want that wall to keep your kids away. You are fine if they go
You'll be calling the cops with your kids in youth groups. "We're OK. We're behind the safe wall in the sanctuary."

When you don't listen, you end up with no Kosher restaurant... Because you didn’t listen to H’ telling you to eat Kosher. You’re supposed to eat Kosher. Bernie. Your kids can’t eat without a restaurant. You think Mrs. Schwartz’s kids are eating her food?! It’s disgusting. Let's have spaghetti and cottage for dinner again.
We worked on finding a restaurant. We now have a slushy stand... How is that a restaurant. If there is nothing that is being heated up, it’s not a restaurant... You don’t heat slushy’s Bernie.

If you all listened, this shul wouldn't be so messed up... Yes. To listen to me. Cheryl.

When you don’t hear H’, you covet stuff. Because your stuff is messed up. Like a slushy place. You covet a regular restaurant. Maybe if you got a decent restaurant, single people would want to go on dates there. And then they wouldn't come to shul coveting your families... You don't go to 7-Eleven on a date, because kids hang out there and you can get locked up.
You covet because you don’t view it all as H’s. You believe in other gods. To not covet is the last commandment, because not following H’s ways leads to people being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. And it leads to single people...
(Devarim 5:18) “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife, you shall not desire your fellow’s house, field, slave, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything that belongs to your fellow.” I understand nobody is coveting our congregants. That is the one positive about looking at the back left. There is no desire... And your cattle are messed up too...
H’ has to list this stuff because you don’t listen. If you just listened to “Don’t covet,” it wouldn’t all have to be spelled out. When you don’t listen the first time...
"Not to desire" adds even plotting against a friend. Not necessarily just action. To fantasize a plot, even if he won’t do it (Ramban). And I am guilty for plotting to get the other rabbi fired, so I could get out of this shul...
I am not plotting. I am planning against you, because I can’t stand you. I am planning on ruining your ideas which will mess up the shul with a new wall. We don't put up walls in this shul. We put up with annoying board members and committees...
And this is what you get when children are educated by people who don't listen.
And that is why you have no love in your life...

And now we call up the Bat Mitzvah...

Rivka's Rundown
At the end of the sermon, the rabbi called up the Bat Mitzvah girl, who nobody wished a Mazel Tov to. She wasn't even in the announcements. They even skipped Kiddish. It was like day of mourning in our shul for Tu BAv and the girl's Bat Mitzvah. Well. The rabbi called her up and spoke right into her ear. 
At my Bat Mitzvah, I wasn't called up to terror and the idea of somebody coveting my parents. I am sure the Bat Mitzvah girl will remember what she heard from the rabbi.

The rabbi spent the first half hour of the sermon going off on how people’s grandparents in the Pale of Settlement didn’t necessarily pronounce Hebrew words the same way Moshe did.
Later in the week he gave a class on how people should at least learn a little Hebrew, even if they get it wrong, so he doesn’t have to explain everything he says in the sermon. Mid-class, after dealing with constant questions about the meaning of what he was talking about, the rabbi said, “You are a hopeless people.” He stopped the class, left, and said, “I would never want to take you to Israel.”

The rabbi spoke on the hearing part of what Moshe said, because he thought that people would stop talking during his sermons and listen. That didn’t work.

The rabbi blamed us for heresy and the golden calf. Stating Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefillah is the reason.
The basic message... Our kids are messed up because their parents don’t listen to H’s commandments or the rabbi.

I think the rabbi called the back left of the shul very not good-looking people. He did take a lot of complaints for his comment about the cattle. To quote Dr. Lipman, "Say what you want about my wife. But never put down my oxen."

I feel bad for the old singles. They can’t go anywhere. They're quarantined at every event. They come to the events and they have to sit at a table with themselves. No interacting with regular community members, known as "the normals." Or as the rabbi knows them, "congregants who I want to put on the other side of the secured wall." 
And now they are even too old for singles events.
They have to stay in their homes and stalk people on the internet. That’s their only hope.
One family has all the singles over. This way we at least know where to stay away from with our children. They send their children away to different homes for dinner, just in case the old singles see what younger people look like. Which old single men shouldn't know.

One of the singles hugged a kid yesterday. The shul was in an uproar. I don’t care it was his niece. It was wrong. And people kicked him out. B"H.
The board did make a correction in the announcements, after push back from the community. They said they are happy to take dues from the old single people. They still can't go to events or show up anywhere, but they can be part of the community by giving money.

If we need a stronger wall, secure it. Now, everybody is afraid the walls of the shul are going to fall on them. I thought I saw some congregants leaning on one of the walls last Shabbat. They were trying to hold it up.
They’re going crazy with the security thing. I think they just want to spend money, because they haven't given any of it, and they need an argument to spend it.
You can’t argue against security. It’s like you’re heartless. You can't say anything to it. “What? You don’t care about security? What about people's lives?” "Well. I don't care."
They even have members on patrol now. This is the next Police Academy. Melvin, who needs two people to help him up while he grabs the chair in front of him, is on the security team.
If they had money to do renovations on their own house, we wouldn’t be talking about this. They would be focused on spending their own money, and the shul would be safe. They would have no alarm system in the shul, because they had one in their house.

They really don’t care about the kids. The sanctuary, which doesn’t allow kids inside, because they disturb, is the only safe place. 
My parents sent me to camp because they didn’t want to see me. This no letters for two weeks, at least the kids know where their parents stand. Truth is, if I was a one of these kids, knowing what my parents are hoping for me, I would stay at camp. In the end, these parents in our shul will probably spend 500k for college, just to get their kids out.
The followup class on what to do when your kids try to contact you from camp was a series on How to Hide from Your Children.

A slushy stand. A place to get headaches. Our community is pathetic. I need out. I need a community where I can get a Boureka. At least Bourekas heated up in a microwave. That's all I am asking for, a restaurant where somebody does the microwaving for me. At least that. Can't even get a restaurateur to press buttons here.

Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability.

I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick.
When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled.

They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far.
Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer?

I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. 
Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." 
"Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils.
It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate."

I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying.
Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?!

I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good.

At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them.
"And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person.

Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is.

I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven.
I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening.

And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff.
I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. 

I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey."

I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. 
I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot.

They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit.
By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t.
It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner?

LSimchas,
David

Dear Dave,
Come to think of it, I made a lot more mistakes. Last time, I told you about the girl I talked to for more than five minutes, ruining any chance I had with her, and the fact that I ate. Which was a total foolish thing to do. But I couldn't control myself around brisket.
I've been writing you a lot lately. But I need to get these thoughts off my chest and onto somebody else. Thank you for being that guy. I need to work through them somewhere. Need your feedback buddy. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong people at these singles Shabbatons.
 
Here's where the mistake started. I sat with guys. My biggest mistake of the weekend. Sitting with guys will bring you down. Kill your game. Once I sat at the guy table the good energy vibes was gone. It was guys I was sitting with. The weekend was downhill from there.
Nobody wants to be around guys. They are depressing. But after thirty-six hours at the Shabbaton, asking girls where they come from, guys were the only ones willing to talk to me. Maybe I have to come up with more questions, like "what are your hobbies." Girls like that.
It brought me down. Sitting with single guys will bring anybody down. Especially when it's the guys who gave up. I noticed guys coming over. It was a pattern. A guy sees a girl, walks over to her, other guy starts talking to her, he has nowhere to go, he sees the guy table, he comes to the guy table, tries to start a conversation, nobody responds, he takes a seat, understands the weekend didn't work out, looks around, notices food, gets more of it, comes back, stains his shirt, stays at guy table.

They were all trying to look cool. Sitting with a bunch of dudes who had been rejected, looking cool. It takes a lot of self-belief to pull that. Strategizing. Each one was trying to figure out how to make their way out of the guy table, trying to figure out how to make the move they forgot to make fifteen years ago.
It's a messed-up conversation where the word "so" pops up every half minute. You sit there with these guys scoping the room while licking the T-bone and your hands, saying "so" and looking cool by not talking to women. After a half hour of "so," I am walking around believing my future is relegated to these guys that haven't had a conversation since they saw Chana Leah across the room fifteen years ago.
The only positive here is that I've made some guy friends over the years of Shabbaton attendance. I see the same guys at each of the events. All now seventy years of age. At least the seventy-year-olds know how to enjoy their food.
I'm beginning to think these Shabbatons don't work for everybody.

Then I saw guys from camp. I have to stay away from these people. So many people I don't like. Why people become counselors when they can get a job mowing lawns for the summer still baffles me. Why do I need to see my past everywhere I go?
I don't need my past creeping up on me like that. I don't need memories of my underwear on a flagpole when I'm courting a woman. If I'm going to meet a woman, it needs to be information from within the past three months, that I've been working on myself.
Is the only way out to convert? Do I have to go to Muslim Mixers? If I converted, I might get stoned, but Jewish girls would like me. The problem is America. I see these people in America. I've got to run away from these camp people. It's Israel. I've got to get back to Israel to get away from Jews.

Then I went back to conversing with women. I shouldn't have done that. That's how you kill a singles weekend. I should never share my thoughts around the opposite sex. Not a good idea. My thoughts as a guy will kill any chance at relationship.
The guys at the table killed all my vibes. I started sharing my real thoughts. She doesn't need to know my thoughts on marriage and where to send the kids to school, until I meet her mother and her mother tells us what we're going to do. If we send the kids to Jewish day school, her parents will be paying. I shouldn't have mentioned that part either. But sitting with the guys messed me up.
They ask questions. That's a trick. They don't want answers. Though she asked about camp, the underwear on the flagpole story was not a good idea.
And then I said I thought she was cute. Stupid. Never tell a girl you're attracted to her. They want guys who are not into them.
A woman should not know I have thoughts until marriage. One day, when I come home, I'll let her know I want to hang out with guys. Get some smokehouse and look cool. But I won't tell her that till marriage. Otherwise, there is no chance we're getting married.
You're married Dave. Did you talk to your wife before you got married?

Next time I go to a social event, I'm staying away from people.
From now on, I'm only going to singles weekends where there are no girls I've dated. They know about me. And no modern orthodox Jews from New York. I don't need my past following me everywhere go. I'm also staying away from elementary school friends. I did some crazy stuff in second grade. I don't need a pencil up my nose keeping me from my Bashert again.
LSimchas,
David

Dear Dave,
I did good at the singles weekend. I met some women, got phone numbers, and they rejected me by phone. But I made some mistakes on the weekend. And naturally, some of this stuff will hurt your game and bring you down.
I made rookie mistakes. When you've been single for as long as me, you should know how to work a Shabbaton. You should know how to strut your suit and Shabbis walking shoes.
This is what I did and why some stuff doesn't work out. If you have any advice, please let me know. It won't hurt more than the girl calling me a creep.
 
I Met Her Too Soon
I met a girl in the beginning of the weekend. At that point, I knew I had no chance. I only have fifteen minutes of game. There were two more days after that. That's forty-eight hours. I can't hold attraction for forty-eight hours. I had already run out of questions about where she grew up and what she does for a living. What do you do after that?
I turned into a stalker real fast. Real fast when they don't want to talk to you. The whole Shabbaton she's now asking, "Why is this guy still here. Why is this guy following me to all these programs."
By Saturday morning, after saying "shalom" for the eighth time, I was now creepy. Romantic turned creepy. By the time Sunday rolled around, she'd met a dozen girls I've dated, and they confirmed I was creepy.

Too Much Energy
I gave so much positive energy. Too much in the beginning.
Goes great for fifteen minutes and then she finds out I've run out of questions about where she's from. Twenty minutes later she hears I'm a rabbi who does comedy. Now, I have no chance. And my material on being single does not help the stalker cause. Especially the stuff about the date that went bad, when I started knocking on her door and her parents said they were going to call the police if I show anymore affection.
I should've left the Shabbaton right after we met. I should've kissed the three-hundred-fifty-dollars goodbye. I would've had a chance if she never saw me again.
I have to get good at not putting out any energy. Just got to sit there, not talk and look cool with my Yarmulke covering my bald head.

I Ate
I can't eat at these things. I'm disgusting. The amount I eat, that will turn off any girl. Guys are disgusted by me.
I focus on food. When I see food, I devour. It's a gorging process done with hands. And it was good food. Which meant I went up five times. The girls know I went up five times. They're counting. They're trying to figure out if there's a reason I'm not buttoning the double-breasted suit. Wearing a double-breasted suit and trying to date girls under sixty is another rookie mistake.
I get involved with food. I see it and I lose myself in it. If you looked up for a second, you would've noticed the look of the girl trying to figure out why this guy is eating steak with his hands licking his fingers at a single weekend.
I put on 20lbs by Saturday morning. Worst time to have a singles event. Food around and it's over for me. A woman should never know I eat. I should go on these things and starve. My two-hundred-thirty-pounds should be an anomaly. They should be asking how this guy got so heavy without eating. At least they wouldn't see me walking around with choolante grease on my shirt Saturday afternoon.

You end up hitting yourself for this stuff. Next time, I'm not making any moves till I'm out of there. I'm going to show up, not eat, not talk. I'm going to leave before any of the girls talk to me and I'm going to go hungry. That's my only chance of meeting a woman and making it happen. And I'm wearing a husky single-breasted suit. And I'm not going to tell the girls it's a husky suit. Girls are not attracted to husky.

If any girls do talk to me, I'm pulling out a timer. Fifteen minutes and I'm out. I see her at another event, there will be no hellos. Unless if I'm at the fourteen minute mark and I have another minute of game in me.
I think I'm ready to meet my Bashert now.
LSimchas,
David

Shalom Dave,
Singles weekends will bring you down. Especially Jewish ones. I just went on a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a weekend event over Shabbat where you know you will only meet people that like Shabbat, due to the lack of live music. You show up, meet people and eat. Shabbatons are singles events where singles are focused on food.
It was nice. I had a good time. I met some good women, got their numbers, got back home and got reject me by phone. But right after the Shabbaton, I felt this great flood of depression running over me for the first time. One that said, "I'm still single. I had just been around so many Jewish singles, and I am still single." And I understood.
Let me be clear. I was down. I wasn't depressed. I don't want this letter being used as proof of a psychological disorder. That will not help the dating prospects any more than being a comedian.
This is what I think brought on the deluge of depression deluge. And I'm a guy. Please tell me if I'm off. I shall break it down. This is why single people walk away from these things depressed.

Two Thousand Singles
There were two thousand singles present over the course of the Shabbaton. With so many singles, I felt like I'd been rejected by the Jewish nation. At the end of the weekend, it hit me that the whole of my people had turned me down.
I met women, but it still made no difference. When there are over a thousand women that are not Matim, not fitting to be your Bashert, in one place, you get the full feeling that your people has rejected you.
When applying, I got rejected by less colleges. There's something to a dating application process.
Over two thousand and not one of them is your spouse. What do you do at that point? Do you move to Israel? Do you retire? Who do you talk to? Gd?

Single People Look Depressed
I kept up the positive energy, but it's tough around Jewish singles who only want to get married, and don't want to meet a guy.
Video adds twenty pounds. Seeing other singles adds twenty levels of depression, and twenty pounds. You see these other singles and you start to see how bad your life is, in front of you. And you start to see these older guys who got heavier. You see that single guy and you start thinking, "Am I like that? Am I over forty and single?!" Women are thinking, "Am I stuck with that guy? Has my life come to this?! Am I dating my dad?! Do all guys get fatter?!"

Didn't Find the Right One Again
That's a realization that hits me when I was driving home. That and dinner. After eating all that food at the Shabbaton, I'd realized I was hungry again.
I met some women. I'm a man, I've got moves like, "Where are you from?" That's my go to pickup line. They always have an answer to that. I don't like to take chances.
Some of my friends didn't meet anybody. Nobody for them to call, to get rejected by phone. And I feel bad for them. Nobody to DM on Instagram, who now sees your picture in the light, to reject you through text. It's a waste of time if you come away from a singles weekend without a woman telling you, "I have a friend that might be good for you."
How many more places do you have to look?! And this weekend was in Florida. Your future creeps up on you real fast down there. You see the ninety year old singles and that brings on a different level of depression. Another fifteen levels. You go on those Shabbatons and they don't even have Instagram messenger to reject you.

I'm Broke
Leaving the Shabbaton, I realized I'm out of money.
I don't know the connection between Shabbatons and inflation, but it's there. The economy has influenced our dating. Interest has affected singles event prices.
I can't afford these events anymore. But I have to go. Otherwise the women know I'm poor. If you can't afford the event, the women know you won't be able to afford Jewish day school.
They can cost up to three hundred fifty dollars. Then, there's the hotels, the flights, the car rental, the dinners. I'm out four thousand dollars. I met the girls, but I can't afford to take them out. I have to wait till May to pay off the debt.
There's got to be a charitable individual out there who doesn't care about poor people. They should be able to fund this. Free would be good. Single people would feel better if they met nobody for free.
But we got food. For three hundred fifty dollars, you want to eat as much as possible. That's why we focus on food.

Speeches
And this hit me at the end. They had speakers reminding us about the fact that we're single.
If you're not down enough. If you haven't lost enough money. If you haven't gone out of your way enough to let people know you're desperate. If you haven't been rejected by over a thousand singles yet. They give a speech about how you messed up.
To spiritually uplift you, they bring in the Kabbalah to let you know that you're single because Gd also doesn't love you astrologically. Your zodiac precludes you from love since the day you were born.
Each speech ends with a practical teaching that you have no hope and you have to go for somebody you don't find attractive. Married people are allowed to be attracted to their spouse, but you have to get married because you're a loser. That's in the Zohar somewhere.
Listening to the speeches, it didn't hit me at the time. Afterwards, I was thinking, "I really did mess up. I definitely went wrong somewhere if I have to listen to this."

People Are Looking
It's a heightened sense of awareness of your being alone at thirty five, forty five, fifty five, ninety five. Truth is, I have no idea what the age of some of those people at the Shabbaton is. When you leave the event and you're all alone again, and broke, the drawing board becomes smaller.
If people went to these events to just enjoy a four thousand dollar weekend, they would walk away happier. Maybe not. The four thousand dollars does hit you. After the weekend. After the high from the energy of the event is over, it hits you. You're broke and you're older.

Those are some of the reasons why people get down on themselves after these weekends. But there is no greater reason than spending all that money to get rejected by the nation. By all of your brethren. I showed up to shul the following Shabbat. I was shocked when they gave me an Aliyah to the Torah. I thought the people didn't want me.
With all that rejection and depression, I'm going to another singles event next weekend. I already paid three hundred fifty dollars to get rejected by another of our tribes that was not in Florida. Maybe they'll have a guest speaker to let us know why we were rejected by the Persian community as well.
At least I ate a lot. I walked away heavier. It might just be the extra pounds bringing me down.

I hope that explains why single people don't like going to singles weekends all the time. Dave. This is why single people like going to couples retreats.
LSimchas,
David

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about AI being anti-Semitic, praying to Gd and thanking Him too much for Chanukah and being alive, and educating us about proper modest gymwear that clashes, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing how Sufganiot don’t have enough jelly, while he still put on weight and ate them.

You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan.
Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married.

The Source
For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for.
The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish.
You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch."

What Is the Labor
It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on.
All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea.

How Much You Must Pay
If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan.
If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee.

Who Pays?
Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans.
If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K.

Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates?
No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question.  Excellent question. There are no rebates.
I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with."

How to Avoid Paying
Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago.
Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas.
Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift.
And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause.
Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment.

What If You Already Like the Girl
Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run.
It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas.

However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married.
The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch.

You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms.
 
End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come.
 
Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code.
 
Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat...
For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona...

(Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created.
After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares...
I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week...

People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance...
No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing...
It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or...
It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic.
If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas...

The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere...

Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it...
When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form.
Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them.

People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings...
Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal.
It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness...

These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could.
A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it...

He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah.
We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you...

Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away.
The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit.

The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim.
I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima.

I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members.
The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle.

I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities.
After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues.

The rabbi truly does not like aerobics.
Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.'

The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying.

Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more.

Tu BAv, the holiday of Jewish love is upon us. So, here's another recording of a bad date.
I was dating this religious girl who just decided to became religious. That was it. She had a bad day, broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and decided she was a Bal Teshuva. She said, 'I don't want to have fun anymore.' She found out she didn't have to pay for Kiddish, and that was it. She was a Bal Teshuva, a returner in penitence, also known as a Chozer BTshuva or somebody who ruins good times.
She just started being religious, which means that I was a heretic, as I was religious my whole life. Let me chronicle this experience so we can learn from it.

She Judged My Blessing
The whole date she couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have enough Kavanah (proper intent) when saying the Bracha. I made the blessing. I thought that was enough. To this day, I still don't know the requisite amount of Kavanah involved in eating a french fry.
She didn't stop. She said I didn't close my eyes enough, and that my Bracha was illegitimate. It was then that we moved onto the conversation of her two kids she had before she decided to become religious. It turns out she now needed somebody to pay for her children to go to Jewish day school. So, she needs a religious man who will commit to this relationship thing.
As soon as she started telling me about her religious journey, I fell asleep. At that point she said, 'Now, that's Kavanah.'

Where Was the Date
I thought a restaurant would be nice. She wanted to go to a Shiur. A class. We showed up to the class. The rabbi sat the men and women on different sides. That was the only part of the date that went well.
It was after the class that we went for dinner. The Hashgacha wasn't good enough at the first restaurant. It only had one rabbinic certificate. She wanted at least four. She said that no restaurant should trust the rabbi giving them a certificate.
​We ended up at a nice dairy cafe. Yankel Mendel's Cafe. She said the name sounded religious enough. She was fine with the three Hashgachas. He had one for dairy, one for meat, and one that said Yankel in Hebrew that she said was a Hashgacha, as it was in Hebrew.

I Asked Her Story
I asked when she became religious. She told me she had an epiphany three weeks ago and told her rabbi that she didn't want to enjoy life anymore. Her rabbi said, 'I think you're on the right path.' And she became religious.
She then told me the whole story of how she became a Bal Teshuva by by telling her parents they did everything wrong. I asked about Kibud Av vEim, honoring your parents. She said she never heard of that commandment.
I asked her what she liked about Yiddishkeit. She had no idea what that meant, and she told me that's not a Frum word. She just knew that she was better than me and her parents.

She Is Now Shomeret Negiah
She told me she wanted to stop touching guys. Now. With me. For religious reasons. I explained to her that this was not a good way to inspire other people to become religious.
I asked what happened with her last boyfriend. She said, 'I just moved out. We broke up and I felt it was time to stop living with him.' It turns out she was partying and touching every guy she could for the past thirty-eight years. As a religious man, I was bothered by how many hands she shook.
Her only focus on the date, other than telling me I'm a bad Jew, was to not touch. I started eating, she was shocked that I touched the cannoli. She said that's not allowed. 'You shouldn't touch. Touching is forbidden.' And then she told me I ate french fries not religiously.
She told me men and women shouldn't be talking. To quote, 'Good religious men don't talk to women.' I had no idea how to respond to that. I sat for a minute in silence. I actually enjoyed that minute. At that point I ended the date. I didn't tell her I was ending the date. I thought getting up and leaving, and not footing the bill, was what a good religious man would do.
So, I got up and devoured that cannoli with the a passion that could only be seen by a man who hasn't touched a woman since second grade, when he danced the Hora, not knowing that was a sinful act.

In her religious journey, she learned nothing about honoring her parents. But she did learn touching and talking to men is forbidden. And she has to go on dates. She learned how to go on dates and tell the guy he is a heretic.

I called off the second date and spent that time with my Musar rebbe, who also told me that I need more intent when I make a Bracha. He said, 'It's a french fry. It comes from H'. A good one has that crunch. You know, the oily ones that went back in the deep fryer. You have Kavanah! For crying out loud! Kavanah! That stuff is good. Then you dunk it mayonnaise or ketchup. Put on a few pounds...' I had never heard somebody go off like that, on love of french fries and Gd. After the french fry speech, I got a call from her rabbi saying he was very disappointed in me. He never met me, but he heard I was touching stuff on the date. I felt so bad when he asked, 'Cannolis?!' I felt like a sinner. That date ruined my chances with any girl from Neve Seminary.
I didn't do anything right that date. It felt like I was having dinner with my family.

Next time I went out was with another Shomeret Negiah girl, she said we can't touch until we get married. I proposed the first date.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.

After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser.

The Half Person Speech
'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not.
Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse.

You Need Man and Woman
'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes.
'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis.

The You Weren't Happy Speech
Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.'
They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling.
Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.'

You Were A Bachur
'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl.

Bayit Ne'eman
That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith.

There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew
This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.'
Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.'
Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married.
Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire.
And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight.

Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house.
I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help.

When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.

You're Introduced to the Family
He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.'

His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates
He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that.

He Introduces You to His Brother
Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?!

You're His Plus One
The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage.
If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over.

He Yells at You
That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel.
Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing.

He Stops Getting the Car Door for You
He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date.

He Says He Loves Your Cooking
You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it.

He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza
Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship.

He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn
When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work.

He Posts a Picture of the Two of You
He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care.

A Lollipop on Shabbis
That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works.

He Starts Asking You for Stuff
He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job.

There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes
And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi.