I wasn't allowed to go to a Shabbat meal the other week, because I was too old. That kind of got me thinking about how off an old single person looks in the Jewish community. I love Shabbat and the holidays. To the rest of the community, though, it looks off. To the community, it's an anomaly to enjoy Shabbat alone. 
Holidays as a single person look off. Just being in the shul without a Tallis, something is off. They know you're old and single. You've got greys and everybody can see your suit jacket. Something is wrong, and it scares them. You can camouflage the singleness with a Tallis, but then you won't meet any ladies at shul. It's a catch-22. And it's wrong to checkout girls in the middle of the Amidah, even if that's what you should be doing.
Single women somehow find a way to look normal. The men look off. Hence, I'm going to focus mainly on the men while we discover the real reasons why old singles can't celebrate with community.

Old Singles People Look Weird
Guy without the Tallis. They're looking. Guy jumping on the floor to get candy at the Bar Mitzvah, because you don't have a kid to get you a Sunkist jelly. They're looking. Old single guy handing out candy to the kids. They've got their eyes on you. And you're scaring the children.
Girls can also look weird in the Frum community. Girl without a sheytel. They're looking. They know. That looks messed up. Nobody's hair looks better without a wig.

Nephews and Nieces Wonder
You can't pick them up and pinch their cheeks. Nowadays, old single men get locked up for that stuff.
And then your nephew is called a 'Ba'al Habayit,' a 'man of the house,' because they're twenty and married, and you're called a 'Bachur,' a 'boy,' because you're sixty-five and not married. When all this 'man' has ever accomplished is getting his parents to pay the rent. And then, the smart niece asks you again, where your kids are.
Old single women look normal around nephews and nieces. Pinch the cheeks, hold them, steal them from their parents. Take them to parks with nobody knowing. They even talk in a hipitch voice that makes them look like a good aunt. Old single men can't talk in a hipitch. That's why their nephews and nieces hate them, and don't want them around for the holidays. They need hipitch voices.

Purim Costumes
The only time old single people are allowed to enjoy dressing up is when they're going to an '80s themed party. You can't dress up for Purim. No matter the situation, I would question anybody dressed as Richard Simmons.
Ever seen an old single man dressed up for Purim? Lock him up. Single forty year old men should know better than to dress in a costume. They should also know better than to say a kid's costume is cute. They shouldn't notice kids' wearing costumes. That will get them in trouble. 
Groggers? That's not a question. Old single people can't use those noise makers. You get locked up for that. 'Creepy Grogger guy who thinks the kids in costumes are cute.'

​Purim Carnival
Ever seen an old single man at a Purim carnival? Lock him up. 'He showed to the Purim carnival too.'

Purim Gift Baskets
Ever seen an old single man giving Mishloach Manot to kids? Lock him up. Why are they giving the kids candy?

Pesach Singles Seder
Nobody invites us. It's weird to have the whole table going around with the youngest of each family saying the Mah Nishtana. Then you have the forty year old single guy reading for his family, also standing next to the head of the Seder. And the question arises again, 'Where are his kids? Something is wrong.' You end up being every question at the Seder.
I had a singles seder last year. Some of the traditions are different when celebrating without kids. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. Talking of pathetic, I didn't find it. Couldn't get the bike I wanted.

Sukkah Hopping
Nothing is more fun than hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah and get different forms of gummies.
Ever seen an old single guy hopping? Lock him up.

Simchas
Can't show to those. They still sit me at the kids table. They figure, the kids are single, David is single, they should sit together. Between us, I kind of like the chicken fingers.
Bar Mitzvah at the kids table is even worse, especially when you're the best friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy, and you're sitting right next to him, between the other twelve year olds. Showing to Simchas is just a chance to get yourself locked up.

Shabbat Meals
Can't do those. I called the Chabad guy about a singles dinner. He said, 'We do meals for people in their twenties and thirties.' It turns out, ​I'm too old to eat a Shabbat meal. I'm not allowed to eat food with other people on Shabbat. It scares them.
It's Chabad's rule. It’s a rule for all singles events. Sometimes they even put it on the event, to keep away the scary people, ‘Ages 20-35.’ Old single people have to eat by themselves. And find joy in that. If the younger people see an older person keeping Shabbat, they might think that Shabbat did that to them.​

Can't Celebrate Eating With Other Single People
That’s a lonely fest. Ten old single people together is ten times as lonely as eating by yourself. Everybody at the table is like, 'Where are the kids?' 
You just sit there and feel bad for the girl across from you. You can't enjoy a choolante when you know she did a great job cooking it, and you still have no idea how to ask her out.
Worse is potluck dinners, where you're invited to bring the food for the other singles. If you're lucky and you're not the only one bringing food, the rest of the food is also cold. Note of Advice: You can't host a meal and not provide food, having people walk a mile on Shabbat, and expect the Kugel to be warm.

Uncle in the Corner Visiting for the Holiday
You sit, you look off. Sitting in shul with no kids, you've got to find a decent non-visible spot. All the kids are next to your brother-in-law and all you can tell the people sitting next to you is, 'I love them... They're not mine.' It's off.
Single guy reaches forty, they stop asking his sister about him, to see if they have a good match. They start asking about him to find out what's wrong.
At the table, they don't even respect you anymore. They sit you in the corner, out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to explain. 'That’s the pathetic one. He's sitting in the corner, because he has no family. It's fine.... The one sitting over here, that's Aunt Lisa. She's great. She's single and fifty. The kids love her. She sounds like one of those Teletubbies. She was even telling us about this Shabbat meal she was allowed to eat at last Shabbat.' 

Message
Get married and you won't look as pathetic. Even get married to the wrong person. It looks better, and you won't get locked up for being a person.

Valentine's Day just passed, so we can finally talk about love as Jews. There is time to Tu BAv, so let's start preparing now.
As I have recently turned religious, I have much experience dating, and I want to help us, as Jews, bring Kedusha (holiness) to the idea of love notes. Here are some Jewish love notes, that you can use.

I love you so much. I want to see you in a shaytel.
Make sure you really love them, before telling them you want to see them with a head-covering. You can't play with people's emotions. Especially telling them you want to see them in a shaytel, another person's hair; that is the next level love and commitment. Tichels or bandannas are not as intimate as another person's hair. 

You want to go to Kiddish with me?
Sharing Kiddish is an intimate experience. If you've been together for many years, you can let them know that you will make space for them to get to the choolante. Fighting off other people for them shows that you are their night and shining armor.

Your scholarliness makes me want to learn Torah with you.
That may be forward, as it shows a lot of passionate intention.

I want a beautiful Shabbat table.
That is the line. Nothing will win the love of a Jewish woman more than saying 'Shabbat table.' Just say 'Shabbat table' and you are good to go.

I want to share a Shabbat table with you, at my parents' house.
If you are young, that is a safer bet. You don't want to be stuck writing a note that requires you to make a Shabbat meal. It's easier to depend on your mother.

I want to introduce you to my parents.
They are going to be involved in the relationship. You have no choice. Might as well introduce them right away. Start off the relationship with proper expectations.

I love you so much, I will treat you to a Kosher restaurant.
That takes a lot of savings. Anything more than a Kosher pizza shop is going to force you to lose a lot of money.

I want to treat you to a candle lit dinner at a five star restaurant.
This is great, as there are no Kosher restaurants in your area. The thought means everything, and you save money. This is why you don't mention having a dinner at your place. You would have to pay for that.

Will you go to the separate beaches of Israel with me?
You have to go to different beaches. But to go at the same time, that is romance.

I want to see you on the other side of the Mechitzah.
Telling them you want to see them in shul, on the other side of the partition, is love. Only share this with somebody you want to marry. Remember, we don't play with emotions, especially when it comes to separating in public. With this note of love, you will also be suggesting that you will be driving to Frum weddings in the future, where you will not be seeing each other. 

Will you be my Shidduch?
You can even ask if they will be your spouse. Saying 'Shidduch' chases away less girls, and it can push off the marriage for many years. What's great about saying 'Shidduch' is that it allows you to feel like a whole community is part of your relationship. It also helps you feel like you are always on a first date, and that you have to report what happened to other people.

I am going to ask the Shadchan about you.
Wow. Hold on there young lad. That is as forward as you can get. Saying that you are going to get the matchmaker involved in asking her out, that is a bit crazy.
Getting a Shadchan involved is saying marriage. Once the matchmaker is involved, you are not going on dates to enjoy yourself. That's what I've learned over my time as a Frum Jew. You get the matchmaker involved and you're now accountable for your relationship, and birthing the next generation of Jews. That Shadchan is going to be following up on your relationship, daily.

You Want to be my plus one.
In the days of polygamy this was the number one sold Hallmark card. I believe our forefathers used this. 

I want five kids.
State the fact that you want five kids. Nothing else. No need to tell them with whom. Just stating it, they will know you are serious about a relationship. With whom is not important.

I had my tonsils taken out.
Nothing more intimate than sharing your medical history. Truth be told, any form of complaint is the greatest show of love to your Jewish romance.

Clean the fridge. And don't leave your stuff out.
Insinuating a fight should only be used if you are already engaged and committed to marriage.

Whatever your note, don't pull the strings of one's heart, unless if you are ready to commit to their parents as in-laws. You should all find love and share a home of many notes that don't only express anger.

The single orthodox male thrives off of free food. The community wants to give him food. The question is how to find it. Where do you place yourself, so you can receive optimal amounts of free food, to get you through the week without cooking. To note, the correct phraseology for receiving free food is 'score.' You score free food.
We aren't worried about the single woman, as she knows how to cook. She just hasn't found somebody good looking enough to cook for yet. The single man needs food, and his survival is dependant on leftovers. Freshly cooked food is for married people.
Some single men don't have the innate skill set to navigate other people's food. As I have mastered the art of taking food from others, here are some of the techniques and skills I have developed for survival and enjoyment as a single man.

Leftovers
Take them. Take them with pride. Married people will give them to you. If they find out you're single, they will search you out with tin pans of whatever they can find. You could be eating at a restaurant, if they find out you're single, they starting collections from the other tables and packing them for you.
Feeding single people leftovers is communal. No matter how old you are, they assume that you can't cook. They're right. No single man would eat with married people if they knew how to cook. If there is no chance of meeting a girl, the single man is there for the food. You don't even have to ask, they will bag it for you. Take whatever they give you. Take whatever you can.

Be Classy
You already have a rep for being single. You don't to add 'no class' to that. Pretend like you don't need it. But take it. As you're carrying the tins out of the party, keep it classy.
Smile and say, 'I don't need it, but thank you.' Be sure you're walking away as you say that, as they may insist that you give the food back. You don't want them to be in a position where they can grab it.

Go Into Your Friend's Fridge
After dinner, peruse through the upper shelves of the fridge. Never waste your time on the lower shelves. You don't need vegetables.
When they ask what you're doing in their kitchen, tell them how nice it looks. Then, tell them how good the food looks. They should get the hint. If they don't, give them a blank stare with a little blush. Remember, you want to keep it classy. They will give you the food from their fridge.
The subtle charity technique always works best when they want you out of their house. If you're intrusive enough, they'll empty the fridge and the pantry to ensure that you have enough food to not come back for months.

Take Whatever They Give You - You Will Eat It
​They're throwing it out. Take it. Two weeks old? Take it. Married people can't handle two week old fish. You can. Use that to your advantage. They've become domesticated and are used to eating food that's been cooked in an oven. Some of them have never used a microwave. They wait for their food.
Somebody is cooking fresh stuff nightly over in the married person's home. They can't handle the stuff from last week. Your stomach can. It has eaten your microwaved eggs for the past thirty years.​

Show Up to Shul Events
If there is one thing the sisterhood loves to do, it's feed single people. They don't want single people in their homes, as single people are creepy, and they might be on the Family Watchdog list. Nonetheless, they want to feed the single-capable. Take what you can. Take all the tin pans they give you. Enjoy it. That food is fresh.
It would be offensive to give leftovers from a community event to married people. As a single person, you walk out of that fundraiser with a smile and hands stacked in tin. Remember, part of the fundraiser is giving the single man food.

Show Up to Family Events
Your family will give you everything. You tried hosting them and they know how bad your food is.
There's not enough room in the freezer for the cake. Take it. That's breakfast for the next month. At least you'll remember Shlomi's birthday, when you see his name on your food.

Chanukah Parties
Take as much oily food as you can. If the hosts aren't looking, take the bottle of oil. Preferably the liter and a half size.
The oil may get to your stomach the first couple of days. After the first few days, the latkes, sufganiot and whatever sfingee thing you eat will go right through you. 

Holidays
Show up. They will give you the leftovers. You can never have too much leftover brisket.
You don't have to be invited. Take advantage of the Jewish 'Hachnasat Orchim' concept. If you look needy enough, they'll even invite you for Pesach. Can you imagine not having to Kasher you kitchen for Pesach. Taking home Seder food is a double win.

Simchas
Go to the wedding. When you walk out, say 'Mazel Tov' to the bride and groom, and take the souffles off the tables. People usually leave those.

Crockpot Cooking
If you can't find any food that you didn't pay for, use the crockpot. You'll mess up the white chicken otherwise. The great thing about the crockpot cooking technique is that whatever you make will taste like leftovers.

Scavenge
Do what you must. I don't suggest going through the garbage. That will hurt any chance you have of ever meeting somebody.
Scavenging could be showing up to multiple homes on a Friday night. Jewish scavenging experts have the ability to find the food that was served for Friday night dinner, in the kitchen. Their ability to turn the dishes, that have been brought back into the kitchen, as buffet, shows their

Hotel Breakfast in Israel
Any proud single person will stack up five to eight plates at the table. It's still classy. The plates are china. 
The question is how to get that food home. After you've eaten, it is then time to use the napkin to swaddle the food; it is your baby, and until it is in the fridge, it must be watched over. After the food has been swaddled, you then bag it.
Note of Importance: It's best to be invited to the hotel breakfast by somebody else. Remember, you don't want to have to pay for your leftovers.

Bagging 
The bagging technique is really the key to single survival. If you don't have a bag, preferably luggage, it's impossible to take the amount that you need from your friend's house, to satisfy your weekly nourishment needs. The hotel's buffet is huge, because they know the single people have suitcases with them.

Aluminum Foil
To quote Yomi Groner, 'Don't forget aluminum foil. It keeps the food good for another day or two.' Many have overlooked aluminum foil since shrink wrap and Ziplocs became popular. Nonetheless, nothing hugs the leftovers as well as foil.

Purchase a Microwave
You need to heat up the food they gave you somehow. Stay away from ovens. You're not cooking for a family of nine. And the single man doesn't need to cook. They need to reheat. 
Warning: When using the microwave technique of reheating for the single man, separate the food from the aluminum foil. 

The survival of the single male is dependent on their ability to eat after the meal is finished. It's not what you eat at the buffet. It's not what you eat at your friend's home. It's how many dinners you took back from your friend's place. In my case, since I have mastered the technique of loading bags, it's dinners for the next month. That saves me having to eat at other people's homes again.
Personally, I feel bad for the single women. They're stuck with people respecting them, thinking they know how to cook.

​Never try to look good. Keep it classy, but never try to look good. Bring your bag and load it up. Stack the tin pans. Scavenge their fridge. And never go to other single people for dinner; you'll walk away with nothing.
Don't let shame get in the way. Getting food is a way of life. You're single. Your friends are already judging you. Your family already sees you as a failure. They’re really just giving you the leftovers because they’re worried you’ll come back for another dinner. They’re trying to get you out. So, enjoy the leftovers. Enjoy all the food people give you. And keep it classy.

Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life.  But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it. 
As a woman, I will give you some advice.

Yizkur
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
 
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.

Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost  loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.

You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.

Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out. 
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.

Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.

Simchat Torah
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.

After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. 

Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right. 
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married.

Married People Invite You and Feed You
Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs.

Too Old to be an Uncle
I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym.

Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table
I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers.

You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering
You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing!

Somebody to Scream At
There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at.

Somebody to Complain To
If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that.

 Have Kids
The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. 

To Not Get Old Alone
It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too.

Another Reason to Have Kids
Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. 
You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary.

Decent Food for Dinner
For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer.  is continually thawed out for your enjoyment.
This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to.

So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you.