Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews joining together in song, while enjoying the food at the rebbe's gravesite, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people in Israel trying to make a living.

Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms.
 
End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come.
 
Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code.
 
Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat...
For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona...

(Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created.
After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares...
I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week...

People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance...
No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing...
It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or...
It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic.
If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas...

The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere...

Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it...
When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form.
Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them.

People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings...
Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal.
It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness...

These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could.
A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it...

He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah.
We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you...

Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away.
The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit.

The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim.
I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima.

I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members.
The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle.

I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities.
After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues.

The rabbi truly does not like aerobics.
Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.'

The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying.

Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.

My family is in America. I miss them. Oh. How I love thee, and thine money you send to pay for my livingith in thy Holy Land.
Israel is the family of my nation. The care and love of my national family is apparent. That familial care of a nation has shown this past year. The way we care and watch out for each other. It is unparalleled. Hence, I odeth thee with what I have merited to witness of thine glory.

The family of Israel cares. The care has not shown more than in this past year, where the whole country came together to complain about the price of flights.
Oh. How I love thee and thy financial understanding of supply and demand.

The care extends. Israelis are the first to help in crisis. The care for all life, willing to travel to first aid the citizens of the world. If things are bad, Israelis will be there. This is why they get blamed. They're always at the catastrophe.
Oh. How I love thee and how thy goesth to far off lands to stop flooding and saveth the lives of anti-Semites. Thy goesth to help, doing Mitzvahs, knowing thy willst be blamed for the deluge. How Jews start floods is another one of Gd's great miracles.

The people of Israel don’t say 'excuse me.' They care too much. There is too much love. Pushing and bumping is our Middle Eastern way getting close to one another. It's our national way of hugging.
Packed at the Kotel, we push. We even hold each other up by knocking into one another. It is how we celebrate what is known as Chagim. The holidays, where we come together as one by bumping a Jew you never met. In essence, a hug.
Oh. How I love thee and thine bumping into myselfith. Others considereth thee rude when they are hit, in their lacketh of knowledge of thine culture. A culture of warmth.

Israeli society is replete with statements of advice. When there is a bad day, somebody will say, 'Some days are honey, some are onions.' The way food is used to help one understand life is unparalleled.
Oh. How I love thee and thine knowledge of the spiritual application of vegetation.

My car wasn’t working, a guy passed me and said, 'Shower and drink coffee.' He didn’t fix my car, nor did he help me push it. Nonetheless, afterwards, I felt clean and more awake, allowing me to be more aware of how bad my engine problem was.
Oh. How I love thee and thine understanding of what it takes to driveth a car, awake and clean. Oh. How I remembereth that car I left in the street. The Ford Escort that was towed and never salvaged. As I abandoned thee and went to shower and drink coffee.

Why the beeping? Because Israelis care. I was stopped at a traffic light. They wanted to make sure I did not fall asleep.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ensuring of my preparedness for a green light.

Israel is one big family. Nowhere else in the world do strangers feel comfortable enough to criticize me to my face. Most citizens of other countries hesitate to tell me how ugly my sweater is. 
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to tell me I am not good. You maketh me feel like I am at home. Without family, no one elseth will telleth me of how not successful I am.

Israel is family. Israel is a home for all Jews. We even accept immigrants from America, who tell us how we should live our lives in Israel; more like Americans. Any other country would kick Americans out for being annoying. But we are family.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine family of Israel. Oh. How I relish the shared love of food, going to the grocery store, sitting in the produce section and eating with my brethren. We may have gotteneth kickedeth out, but we have sharedeth in thine national family experience of not paying for groceries.

Author's Note: I feel that odes are more meaningful written in Biblical English. It is more prayerful.

People have a tradition to walk around Jerusalem on Yom Yerushalayim
For those who cannot make it, I will take you on a little virtual tour of the Old City, so you can feel like you are there yourself this Jerusalem Day, even if you've made no effort to visit Israel this year.
Along with Hoshana Rabbah and Tisha BAv, Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot Night are two days where people flock to the Old City of Jerusalem and the Kotel. In honor of this tradition I will take you on a tour of the Kotel itself and explain what is going on.

The People Walking Fast
The religious men of Jerusalem walk very fast. A religious tradition. A defining attribute of Chasidim, the ability of speedy gait is a gift from Gd. The greater miracle you can see is how the Rebbe is walking slow, and yet he is still in front of his Chasidim who are walking three times faster than their rebbe.

The Kotel
Let's take a step back and speak of the Kotel. The Western Wall, the retaining wall of the Great Temple, which the Divine Presence never left. The Catholic Church also owns this, according to Roman law.
The Temple area is on the other side of the Kotel. The Temple was a house of prayer for all nations ['My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations' (Yehsaya 56:7)], until around 1,350 when it became a house for all nations but Jews. People who built a dome there around 1,350 years ago get mad when Jews pray there. Many also get mad when Jews pray in Israel.

The Wall in The Back of the Kotel
It's another wall. Just in case.
This separates the main prayer section from the open plaza area. It's there to keep the stalkers away. They call themselves tourists, with the cameras. They're a bunch of stalkers.

The Wall on The Side
Known as a Mechitzah, this is there to separate the men's and women's sections so you know where the ladies are. That's how I always understood it.
The Mechitzah is greatly appreciated by the women. With men praying for wives, we don't want them sitting with women getting the wrong idea thinking girls like them. You will notice men sitting right next to the Mechitzah, they're peeking through the latticework. In Hebrew, the word is 'Klavim.'
You will also notice women looking over the wall. It's obvious. When given the chance, women use Bar Mitzvahs as a chance to stand on chairs and check out the guys' side. They pretend like they're related to the Bar Mitzvah boy, stand on a chair and say it's because they want to hear the Bar Mitzvah boy reading the Torah. The Torah is not read in the afternoon. A bunch of peeping Taliahs.

The Plaza Behind the Wall in the Back
This is there for tour groups, army initiations, sleep on Shavuot, and a bunch of losers or singles to score a Friday night meal with Jeff Seidel.

Tefillin Booth
This is run by Chabad. Chabad likes booths.
That is Hebrew he is speaking.  The black-hatted man is letting them know, 'You can wrap the Tefillin, even if your parents denied you a Jewish education. Just believe in yourself, even if they didn't.' This is why the Tefillin guy is yelling at the young guys and chasing them down with black straps.
You will notice religious people walking fast here. The religious people walk fast because they're trying to get by the Chabad Tefillin guy without him attacking them. They've already put on the Tefillin.

The Guy Screaming at You
He is not angry at you. He is inviting you to join him in prayer. He needs a Minyin/quorum. He is yelling at you for the sake of Gd. That is religious fervor coming out in the way of, 'Minyin!!! Minyin!!!' He is standing right next to us and he is screaming right at us. It appears he needs a Minyin. I don't believe he is leaving. I am going to pray.
I prayed the afternoon prayer eight times the other day. You're only supposed to pray to Gd once in the afternoon. But I was more scared of the guy.

Papers on the Floor
Many people have a tradition of writing notes and then discarding them at the Kotel. Most people have a tradition of sticking the notes in the wall. Other people have a tradition of not cleaning up.
The tradition began back in the days when most people did not have access to Israel. Recycling was not an option at the time, and littering was illegal. So people had their friends bring their papers to the Kotel. This gave a sense of connectedness, knowing that their clutter made its way to Israel.
Right now, you can all stick notes in the Kotel. I suggest to not stick love notes in the wall. Last time I stuck in a love note at the Kotel I was hoping it would make it to the ladies' side of the Mechitzah. That didn't happen. Due to that experience with Shloimy, I am not going to be writing any more notes.
Warning: Sticking notes in the wall can become addictive. I knew I had to stop bringing notes to the Kotel when I found myself caulking my bathtub with little bits of paper.

Next time we will go for a more in-depth tour of the Kotel and and why the people walking backwards are not doing the moonwalk. We will also help you figure out what Minyin to join.

If there is one thing Israel has, it's food. Kosher food. This is why I moved to Israel. For the holy food. It's not just food. It's a holy connection.
The best kosher food is in the Holy Land. It is so much better than the kosher food in Topeka.
Oh. How I love thee. Kosher food that is not just pizza. 

Israelis love Tradition. 'The Taste of Yesteryear' is written on half of the falafel stands. For some reason, no matter what the spice of yesteryear they're using is, it’s cumin.
Oh. How I love thee and thy food that never changeth. Before thee I never knew what yesteryear tasted like. Nor did I knoweth it was a word. Tradition is at thy heart as is thine taste of cumin.

Jachnun, Malauach, Choolante. It is all for the taste of yesteryear.  Whatever yesteryear tastes like, before Israel I was scared to eat it. 
Oh. How I love thee. Your connection to thine past is never forgotten. Even if thine food is not fresh. Oh. The oil in thou addeth to thine bread.
​
Shoko BSakit. We have chocolate milk in a bag, so that when you think you finished it and think it’s done, it spills on you.
Oh. How I love thee and thine care for the environment. Always reminding me that I need to put my shirt in the wash after I drink thee.

We have coffee that doesn’t dissolve. It is a Turkish miracle. When I finish the coffee, there is more coffee inside the cup than when I started the coffee. The greater miracle is that Israelis invented the Turkish coffee.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine coffee that shalt never cease.

The whole food shopping experience is holy. We can eat whatever we want in the supermarket. If you can knock back an avocado while in the vegetable section, you don't have to pay. As long as it's in the Super, they don't charge for it.
In America, they have tasting stations. You can’t choose what you want to taste. You take something and they make you feel uncomfortable for opening the pack of chips and not buying it. Not very welcoming to have a guy rationing one chip at a time in a cupcake holder. In Israel, we take it and don’t ask, and it is fine. As long as you eat it in the supermarket, it’s free. It's like being at mom and dad's house.
Oh. How I love thee. Thy budget shopping hast never been better. How you care for thine people and have provideth a spit cup for the olives I eat by thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to taketh the shopping cart home. It is quite useful.

We can go to any falafel stand and eat for free. If you bring your own pita, the salads and dips on the side are free. Load it up. The key is to only eat the top layer of Salatim without hitting the pita. This allows for greater pickled vegetable allotment.
Oh. How I love thee and all thine Salatim on the side of thine falafel stand that I don't have to pay for. You have helped me many times when business was down. I pray thou forgiveth me for taking the Salatim cart. I was not aware that metal cart must stay.

We can take anything out of the hotel dining room. Nobody asks any questions. They have accepted our ability to find ways to take a rugulach tray out of the dining room with no shame. I was at the Dead Sea for breakfast and people were filling up shopping carts, taking it to their room for lunch.
Oh. How I love thee and not having to feel shame smuggling food out of thine buffet. I feel a connection to my brethren when I do so.

The Mangal. In American barbecues are huge. In Israel, the barbecue is intimate. A square made to fit six wings if you place them correctly, angled inside one another.
Oh. How I love thee. I will forever maketh my barbecues in tiny tin tray size form. And thine kindness shown when you wave to thou Mangal with your Nifnoofer. Oh. Thine tradition of celebrating every holiday with thine Mangal. As barbecues are an Israeli tradition.

Meurav Yerishalmi. The special food of Jerusalem. In Tel Aviv, they throw their trash in the garbage. In Jerusalem, we eat it. We're religious and we don't throw out food. Baal Tashchis. Kidneys, intestines, eyebrows. We make a dish of it and eat it along with the taste of Yesteryear.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to cook whatever cometh thine way, as thou believeth in H'.

I have put on a lot of holy weight since moving to thee. Oh. How I love thee and all the food you take credit for, especially pizza. I how I will never forget thine Turkish Coffee thou hast created. And thine tradition of celebrating Independence Day with a barbecue. Oh. How I love thee and thine traditions.

As we continue to modernize our Holy City and Land I find it important to address this bill I have set forth in honor of Yom Yerushalayim. A bill that will make Olim happy living in Yerushalayim this Jerusalem Day.

​BILL 3 – No Eekooling

Act
Government agencies cannot access or close ones bank account without them knowing. Government agencies have to take me to court before screwing me over.

Problem
a) I woke up that day and looked at my phone. Killed my day, and then the next two months.
b) They shut down your bank account before you get the bill. Known as an Eekool, it's a preemptive strike against your being able to pay the bill you don't know you have. They know you will not pay it, since it is not yours to pay, so they want to ensure that.
c) They shut down my bank account because I was not paying property tax on an apartment that I was not living in. An apartment other people were renting from somebody else. It took me a while to understand that my living there before them is my fault and I should've gotten taxed for that. But they did explain it to me.
d) If they shut down my bank account, how am I supposed to pay?! I believe that's an obvious question. I asked. Nobody had an answer. I believe they repeated 'Eekool' thirty times. The more you repeat something, the more it is understood. I believe that's the case. 
I accepted it was my fault for paying Arnona (property tax) on that apartment when I lived there, and ever letting the city know I lived there. In life you make dumb decisions sometimes.
e) I lost my electricity. My credit card stopped working. The next two months were spent trying to convince everybody I ever met that I am not an idiot.
f) I had no access to money. My friends didn't want to pay for Tzvi's Arnona, as they have never met him. Neither have I. My friends also didn't wanted to pay for my electricity which Chevrat Chasmal was looking for. Chevrat Chasmal was angry they couldn't get money out of my bank account. I had to explain 'Eekool' to them a good thirty times.
g) Guy got rid of the Eekool for me because he was having a decent day. Laws should not depend on somebody finding a decent deal on a 56-roll package of toilet paper (carrying the 56-roll package brings joy- known as a Metizah for the family and the extended Mishpuchi). My bank account should not be affected by a guy who got lucky and made it to the Doar post office when they were open (not easy to achieve as hours to change daily - an achievement that will make anyone happy).
h) This is the number one reason for Yeridah. People leave Israel once they realize they have no access to their bank account. Eekooled is a verb, meaning ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.' Alternative translation: 'You are going to get kicked out of your apartment because we screwed you over and we don't have to explain why.'
i) Government. I believe this is the issue. Government making decisions. The government is not very good with money. The way they like to spend, they should not have unrestricted access to my bank account. With the 2,500nis I have saved in there, they might splurge on another park in the middle of a traffic circle.
j) That truly ruined my day. Eekools can do that.

Solution
a) Assume the government is wrong. Assume the Iriyah (municipality), Mas Hachnasa and the new tax agency they are going to create with no laws to screw me over, are wrong. Assume that David doesn’t live in three different homes in Jerusalem. Assume that David cannot afford more than one apartment on a new Oleh salary of 4,000nis a month. Assume that the people that are living in the apartment, on the lease, are the ones living there. And maybe they didn’t think it was worth it to come to your office to tell you. If they told you, they would've had to pay property taxes on their apartment. Assume they would rather David pay their taxes for them. Assume that when they changed their address and said they were living there to everybody in the country, they were living there. Assume the people living in the apartment will not complain about the Eekool on David's account.
b) Court. Use the system. There are courts in Israel. I know. I once put a flyer on a bus stop. I was taken in for flyering in the first degree. I got caught. I had tape. They took me in. Rightfully.
c) Let me know before you shut my bank account, so that it doesn’t take me a half a year before I can use a cellphone again. This way, you might receive the money.
d) When judging in court for a city fine, the person who gave the fine, lawyers and the judge, cannot all be getting paid by the city. Everybody involved in the Eekool was on the city payroll. If that is the case, I am hosting an appeal in my apartment, with my friends. That should allow for fair judgment.
e) If you are a company that sees your customer is Eekooled, contact them before shutting off their service. You have been living in Israel, you have been screwed over. When you see their phone has been cut off... I'm at a loss right now.
f) Laws. Work with laws!
g) No fining people once you shut down their bank account. If they don't have a bank account, and they need a bank account to pay you, I am assuming they can't pay you. This one is an assumption, and I am probably wrong.
h) If you don’t want to do it for the whole country, allow Olim who come from countries where there are laws to have due process before screwing them over. It is hard for Olim from America to understand Eastern European laws from 1894.
i) Laws are not allowed to be based on if the guy at the municipality was able to pick up his registered mail that morning.

Backup To Solution
If the laws don't change, as closing people's bank accounts is fun and gives an activity to government staff, make it more understandable. Use a word people know, so that they can figure out what the bank is talking about when it tells them their bank account belongs to some Member of Knesset. Some MK who had to come into work that morning. Something that makes people not happy.
Change the name from Eekool to ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.’

I hope this was educational as well. And I do look forward to meeting you upon your Aliyah.

He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny.
 
He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line.
 
The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt.
 
On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah.
 
Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin)
You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah.

We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal)
You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier.
 
The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.)

Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am).
 
The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be..
 
We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members.
 
We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie....

It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die...
'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do.

There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim...
Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos...

It's about being holy. Kadosh.
Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere.

Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.'

Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’
Be Kadosh.

How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week...

H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel.

Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy...

There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while.
Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs...
Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation.
Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years...
Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn.
Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards.

Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child.
You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China.
Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit.

We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice...
He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you...
Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you.

And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are...
Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.'
Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up...
Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish.
I have no appreciation for the board.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments.
He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.'

And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there.
And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people.
The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are.

I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews.

I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me.

They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it.
They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason.

The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house.
The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag.
It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon.
I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents.

It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’
Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph.

For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe.

The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.

Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep.
When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment.
Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy.

Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well.
Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government.

The sports fans in the Holy Land  are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game.

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package.

Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah.
I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road.
Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life.

The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins.
Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos.

People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness.
Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth.

You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays.
Oh. How I love thee.

And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking.
Oh. To thee.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.

Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time.

Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies
Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies.
And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers.

Donate Protein Bars
Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.'
Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach.
Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started.

Socks
Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour.

Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment
Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid.
You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving.

Give Money
Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no.

Give Money to FIDF
I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization.

Give Money to JNF
They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though.
These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea.
Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees.

Tzizit
Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties.
Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage.
Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit.

As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening.

It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections.
Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees.

Since the war began Jews all over the world have been trying to do their part in the effort and to support our soldiers. But 10k for a barbecue?! 
The support is amazing. Thousands of volunteer and donation opportunities have developed, including babysitting my friend's child. He says nursery school in Lawrence is too much. What that has to do with Israel, I am not sure. He's extremely impressed with the Jewish community's willingness to give, and he also told me he's happy to take donations.
Our soldiers have been a huge focus, as they should be. They are protecting our people, and they deserve the greatest show of support. Jewish communities around the world have taken it upon themselves to care for our Israeli military. Now the needs of our soldiers has somehow changed. The way to donate is to grill. And that costs 10k. Somehow, barbecues are now costing 10k.
I get it. People want to give and we support our soldiers' protest against veganism. That's important. But 10k barbecues?! I heard the lowest donation for a BBQ is five thousand dollars, and I am simply questioning. I did research and I learned a lot. And I shall rant.

Diaspora Communities Have Gotten Involved
The soldiers originally needed tourniquets and chargers for cellphones. That changed once families are involved. Extended families, cousins, Jews who finally realized they're Jewish again, communities, some guy who started a nonprofit. Now they need electric grills, so volunteers have an easier time serving dinner in Gaza.
Upper middle-class Jews from the Tri-state area got involved in the war, and that means you treat the Chayalim well. We pamper our soldiers. No soldier is left without decent accommodations, bedding and a ten-thousand-dollar barbie.
Are 10k BBQs too much? I feel like Diaspora Jews getting involved is going to make our soldiers soft. Now we have people ensuring every Chayal gets a foot massage before going into Gaza.
[Before going on, before people get mad, I know our soldiers are tough and they're not pampered by the IDF. Other than free bus rides, there are a tough crew. Now we can go on about 10k barbies...]

10K BBQs
This is what got me. Are the soldiers celebrating Bar Mitzvahs? 
It used to be two hundred dollars. You could feed a unit for two hundred dollars. I remember, going with the family and feeding a base for two hundred dollars. Since the war started and communal care has surfaced, meal prices have gone up. Nobody wants your chicken dogs anymore. Keep your hot dogs for your pathetic family barbecue. The soldiers have become accustomed to better cuts. So, keep your ground meat unless if it's in slider form.
Something has changed in the concept of war zone since the Young Israel of Cedarhurst got involved. And yes, it shocked me. Ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. I heard about this and I don't know what to think. 
I lived in Israel. You can feed the whole of Afula for 10k.

Menachem from the Five Towns is Hyped
Soldiers used to go to battle and that was it. They were happy to have proper clothing. The soldiers were asking for underwear. Why the army doesn't provide underwear is a different question.
Menachem was explaining the newfound complexities of donations. Since the greater Jewish world is now involved, we don't send our soldiers to battle without a decent T-bone. To quote Menachem, ‘They're our soldiers. You treat them with respect. You don’t send soldiers out there without a steak. You don't give them a brisket. Prime rib. You go to the war, you go out fed. Prime. Five Stah. You go to the battle, you get a foot massage. It's rocky terrain. You give them a foot massage, then they go to Gaza. You make sure they see a musical. Did they see the Broadway... You bring them to New York. You donate tickets to Phantom, then they go to Lebanoan.’
To note, Menachem is taking donations. Menachem has never put on a uniform, not even to deliver mail. Menachem has never shot a gun. Menachem knows a guy whose sons friend has a buddy in the army. Menachem is now running the Israeli military; that's what he told me. He's running Tzahal and he knows they need better cookouts. He expressed that he was shocked the army doesn't provide soldiers with a rotisserie. 'Everybody in Cedarhurst has one!'

Beef Jerky?!
You can also donate beef jerky, just in case they missed the BBQ. I can't afford beef jerky. I believe beef jerky is the least economical food in existence. The only reason I show up to shul is the chance that some wealthy guy might be happy they had a grandchild and put out jerky.
The soldiers asked for protein bars. I remember that. In the beginning it was bulletproof vests, night vision goggles and protein bars, to make sure our soldiers were well equipped. Now, we’re focusing on getting the garlic pepper and sweet and sour right. And the soldiers are not happy when it's not done right. They expect stuff now. Some South Africans insisted on biltong. One soldier wrote a letter saying the jerky was too wet. One unit head in Gaza complained jerky wasn't plated.

I Wave to Soldiers
Please don't tell me I don't give. I waved. I thought that was how we gave to our soldiers. I saw a tank and waved. I then said 'Kol Hakavod.'
I believe I did my duty. I called that a donation. It costs less. That was satisfactory in the beginning. I would wave and bring chocolate chip cookies. That was what Israelis were doing in the beginning, to let the soldiers know we cared and to ensure we had the most out of shape army. I saw one guy giving them cigarettes. It was all a show of care and support. And blessings for health.

Cookies Don't Cut It Anymore
Now they don't want cookies. Now they're offended if there if the pasty is served before desert. If it's not a souffle they're offended. It's a Bar Mitzvah every day. If it doesn't come with whipped cream, who would think of such a thing. One Tzanchan commando was distraught his unit didn't have a smorgasbord; complaining, 'Who goes into Jabalia without pigs in a blanket.'
I can go on for a long time about ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. One word for each dollar.

It Worries Me When Families Get Too Involved in War Strategy
This is what happens when mothers get involved in war. The soldiers get fed well, they get real out of shape, and their shirts get tucked in. Since when have Israeli soldiers tucked in their shirts?! Something is looking off.
Since the greater Jewish community has gotten involved in the war effort and caring for the soldiers, the army has had a hard time focusing military strategy. You have soldiers being deployed and mothers ensuring they received their Ahava lotion moisturization aloe kit, worried our boys will come back with chapped skin, not fed decent home-cooked meal.
Now they're focused on programs like lox for breakfast day. The IDF has turned into a Hadassah Brunch.

I say we go back to asking the soldiers what they need. And I believe their answer will be barbecues, beef jerky, and foot massages.
Whatever you do, I am sure the soldiers appreciate it. All said and done. Our soldiers deserve 10k barbecues and a conversation with Menachem before going out to war. 

And please know, as an Israeli citizen, I understand the fear of ending up with a Mangal. It's a huge letdown when you think you're showing up to a barbecue, and then you find this tiny matchbox sized grill with half a chicken dog on it. And please note that I donated some underwear I hadn't used in a while.

If you're fine foreclosing on your home and would like to donate, go to grillingforisrael.com or unitedwithisrael.org. I am sure Friends of IDF also does BBQs... Todah Rabbah LGiborim Shelanu

Dear Lone Soldier...
This is our war. Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for running away from your parents. I get it. I see them in shul. They're annoying.
You are Nachis to so many people. And to your parents as well. Even though you left them. As I bring you this ode from a man who didn't serve in Tzahal, let us focus on the Nachis you bring.

Lone soldiers, you bring such Nachis to your parents. American parents Nachiskate how their children are in the IDF. The only Nachis my parents got when I moved to Israel was telling people, 'Our son made Aliyah and he asks us for money. That's our kid. He lives in an apartment in Jerusalem we paid for.'

You did it of your own volition. You didn't have the mandatory service requirement. You didn't have to become a citizen, but you did it. That word 'citizen' scares me. Anything with citizen in it, I run. I don’t want to pay more taxes. I've suffered enough for the Jewish people. I have been asked to join shul committees. And I am sure your parents have been on the committees.
These young people who move to Israel and join the army, they see a future of good for the Jewish people. They see hope. They never served on a shul board. They never had to deal with a committee. They can make decisions and get stuff done.
You are Nachis to so many board members who discuss if you should be recognized for your service in the shul bulletin. Board members who have to decide if they should honor you or a local community member who bought Israel Bonds and knows people who will donate in their name. Board members that decided you shouldn't be honored. A board that decided you won't bring in enough money.

You chose to serve your people. When all other kids your age in America are at college drinking as much as they can, you decided to serve in the Israeli army drinking as much as you can.
You are Nachis to so many soldiers in our IDF that smoke too.

You are brave. The extent that you were willing to go to not have to see your parents, it's commendable. In my parents' generation, kids used to run away to join the circus. You joined the army. You ran off to defend our people.
I tried running away at 19, but then I saw a bus coming. I was not ready for public transportation. I ran back home. My parents were able to drive me places. I was not raised with public transit abilities. The prospect of having to hold onto a railing while in motion was not for me. My middle class Jewish upbringing did not make for me interacting with strangers during travel.
You are Nachis to your parents who are proud of their child who is not afraid to use Egged.

You don't even speak Hebrew. You joined an army where you don't know the language. Your Jewish Day School experience didn't set you up for this. When they taught you Hebrew, they thought you might end up needing to interact with Jews in South America. They didn't think Tzahal.
You are Nachis and you don't even know what it means. 

You were adopted and you didn't tell your parents. That's a stinger.
You were adopted by a family in Israel who gives you an eight-inch-wide bed for only seven hundred dollars a month, to use once every six Shabbats. And now you sleep head to toe with a kid you're not related to.
You are Nachis to the people that adopted you for $700 a month. The way they sometimes kick the youngest out of the mattress of centimeter thickness for you to sleep on Shabbat once every month and a half shows pride.

You left your family, and the army decided it was a good idea to constantly remind you that you're alone, a lone soldier. They thought a daily reminder about how you're missing your family would be a good help when thinking about your parents.

You were brave enough to make friends when you were all alone.
You were branded alone, and you still made friends. You sucked it up and made friends, as lonely as you are. You realized that there are thousands of other lone soldiers. And you became lonely together. Now you're with thousands of people and still lonely. A lone soldier. All alone.
You even made Israeli friends, and you can now drink and sing karaoke in Hebrew. And you still have no idea what is going on.
Maybe we should change it to soldiers with friends. That sounds less depressing. I made Aliyah and I was alone. I didn't do the army. I was a lone citizen. I was just called an Oleh. It should be lone Oleh and popular soldier with friends.
You are Nachis to all the people who love you, even though you are alone. A lone person with friends.

The Mitzvahs you do are amazing. Saving lives is a such a Mitzvah. And then honoring your parents by allowing them to Nachiskate at Kiddish about how their child is saving the Jewish people in secret ops. Personally, I wouldn't lie to my parents. I would've told my parents I was cooking Mana Chama on guard duty. But you make them proud, and you speak a better Hebrew than anybody else that came out of Torah Academy Day School.
You are Nachis to your parents who still won't move to Israel.
You love Mana Chama. And Mana Chama loves you. You are Nachis to chicken flavored noodles.

I am not that brave. But I can thank you. Thank you. Todah Rabbah, if you know what that means.

Postscript: This Ode is self-serving. I need it. I need it because I feel guilty. And the best way to deal with guilt is to throw it on others.
In my heart, I am with you, but we all know what that means. It means I am not there. It means I am relaxing in America right now and going out for ice cream later. Good, fatty American ice cream.
I am not on the front lines with our brothers and sisters in this constant battle for Shalom and good in our world. You are alone, lone and a loser, and we appreciate all you do for our people. As long as you remember that you're alone.
Todah Rabbah vKol Hakavod Lachem

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.

My friend donated to FIDF. He must be very mad at the Israeli army. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? FIDF is Friends of the IDF. I mistook that for F-IDF. FIDF supports the Israeli defense forces. If he‘d have said he was giving money to F the IDF, that‘d be different.

They said I have to do Kiddish BMakom Seudah. But I wanted the meal too. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? That means to make Kiddish in the place you are eating the meal. BMakom means 'in the place of.' I thought they meant to make Kiddish instead of the Seudah. Nothing like a bilingual pun.

Midrash teaches Paroh was short. But how do we know he was 12 inches tall? He was the ruler of Mitzrayim. (Mordechai)
You get it? A ruler. 12 inch measuring stick. Ruler. Paroh was a ruler. The ruler pun is a classic. It is so versatile. Always tickles the funny.

The IDF wanted reserves, but they got puffed pastries. They asked for Miliumniks. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Milui means fill. Miluimnikim sounds like puffed hors d'oeuvres (Mimulaim). It almost sounds like Mimulaim. Enough so. I am sure somebody thinks they sound a bit the same. There must be somebody. Nobody would be fighting if pigs in blankets were being served. Sometimes, a good pun is there to teach you another language. This pun should be required reading in Ulpan.
 
The eighth plague was the least expensive one. It was locust. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If someone with poor speech patterns says it, this pun works. Say locust very slow with improper speech and it sounds like ‘low cost.‘ Though, emphasis has to be on 'cust.' It's not LOcust but loCOst. That's how you have to say it. We will be putting out guides on how to pronounce puns correctly.
 
He was sitting at the Seder on Tu Bshvat alone. Sarah, said he should have a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A date is a fruit. It’s also a date, like going out with somebody. Everybody does this pun. It’s tradition. We’ll do the date puns too. Just wait till Rosh Hashana. We'll use them then too. Even if it means having to add another Siman that has nothing to offer in Hebrew, we will do it for the sake of the pun. We are committed to Mitzvahs.

Jews said the new statue at the stadium was forbidden, as it was standing idle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Idol and idle. Idols stand idle. They don‘t move. They‘re also forbidden. As we learn in the Parsha, there's only one Gd. Gd doesn't stand idle. In order to understand this pun, you must know Jewish philosophy.

Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people. 
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. 
Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. 

It is the Israeli Defense Forces
You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt.
I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.'

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years
I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours.
 
I Studied Social Work
My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem.
 
Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service
I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts.
I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk
The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs.
I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad
Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts
I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts.

I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors
That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself.
 
Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me
I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift.

I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea
Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. 
During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on.
Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target.
I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal.

Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally.
​Till then, Israel is a safer place.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.

People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you.
Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me.
 
I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty
I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back.
Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway.
 
I am Out of Shape
After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz.
If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. 

I Would Look Like a Reservist
I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more.
When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People
I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.
Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old
I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.
I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat.

Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments
I am old. All I do is express my political opinions.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint
Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine.
 
I am American
You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.
 
I Don’t Smoke
The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running.
Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. 
Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures.

Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists.

In 2022 antisemitism rose and 2023 was even better.

In preparation of October 7th January sported terror attacks, and protests for Intifada are heard on college campuses. Intifada means kill people or we love peace, depending on who your news sources are.

In February, Israeli rescue workers are the first to volunteer to go to Turkey to aid with the devastation caused by the earthquake that took thousands of lives. News sources call the earthquake an Israeli Intifada.

Something about Bibi and the Israeli Supreme Court. Protests start. To quote one Israeli, 'Why should we have to miss out on hating Jews. We're people too.'

Leopoldstadt and Parade, two plays about antisemitism, win six Tonys. People love antisemitism. If it wasn't for people killing Jews, there would be no decent entertainment. Many communities who have lost their Jewish population in Europe and the Middle East have been trying to figure out what to do for entertainment. It has been hard to find something since there are no local Jews to beat on. Now, they finally have a musical to see.
Parade in its portrayal of the 1915 lynching of Leo Frank receives protests from Neo Nazis. To quote, 'It wasn't anti-Semitic enough. The music could've been more upbeat.'

Fake bomb threats reign down on Jewish organizations. The Iron Dome does not work against these.

Christie's auction house auctions off Nazi's jewelry collection. Surprised this bothers Jews. Another Nazi quote from this year: 'How are we supposed to make money?!'

Israel kicks off seventy-fifth year celebrations with cheers of, 'We hate Bibi.'

Jewish summer camps are even more expensive.

Israel and Saudi Arabia move ahead on Abraham Accord Peace Treaty. The world worries peace is a bad thing.

Lithuania restores Jewish synagogues. To quote: 'The new tinge of pastel colors on the facade will bring Jews back.'

Israelis are now allowed to visit America without a visa. Now Israelis are the only ones who can't get through the southern US boarder without an ID.

The movie Golda is released. Complaints of not enough Jewish devastation are heard around the world.

Still fights over the Israeli Supreme Court. Jews hate Jews even more. Everybody blames Charedim.

October 7th massacre, and cheers are heard throughout the Arab towns of Judea and Samaria and England.

We are all in a state of living through mourning. And now Jews like Jews again.

Turkey thanks the Jewish United Hatzalah workers who came to help them in their times of crisis, so that they can express their hatred of Israel and Jews in health.

College students around the globe can finally voice their hatred of Jews in a safe space.

Rally of Israel support in Washington DC brings 300,000 or 5,000 people, depending on who your news sources are. Jews pray for peace and mourn the death of innocent lives, or they pray for death to everybody, depending on who your news sources are. American politicians proclaim their support for Israel and vote later that day to not send Israel anything. 

'Humanitarian' is a new English word, meaning 'we hate Jews.'

Ivy Leagues are now focusing on courses that teach English as a first language, so that students and faculty can learn words like 'context.'
They have also created a new course on Middle Eastern Relationships. Classes will focus on correct phraseology, such as 'humanitarian,' 'disproportionate' and other words that mean 'we hate Jews.'

IDF takes out eight and half million Gazan residents, as reported by Hamas and the UN. Twelve million of them are babies.

Dave Chappelle still hates Jews. Tucker Carlson asks, 'Why not?'

Elon Musk visits Israel to try to figure out how a Ford Fiesta can cost more than a Tesla.

It turns out people still hate Jews. Jews are shocked by this.

Sports
At least in sports, when people attack Jews, it's not because they hate us. At least most of the time.

Jacob Steinmetz is orthodox and he plays baseball. That's exciting. An orthodox Jew doing anything other than learning, it excites us. Finally, people are starting to believe that Torah doesn't kill athletic abilities or personality. To quote one Rosh Yeshiva: 'There is something to shuckling.'
Israel even had a team that competed in the World Baseball Classic. And they won a game. Champions. To us Jews, winning a game is the definition of a champion. Our mothers told us so.
A Jew even makes the NHL. He is a champion. Hasn't played yet, but he's a champion. His mother is very proud.

The basketball star Domantas Sabonis is converting to Judaism. After he retires, he wants to own a team someday. [Tzachi, who reported this, hopes his report doesn't lead to more antisemitism. Tzachi wants to let everybody know that he loves his Jewish people and their money.]
Domantas even has Shabbat meals and posts them on social media, so that Deni Avdija can see what Shabbat looks like.

Israel takes third place in the FIFA under 20 World Cup. Meaning that little kids in Israel are getting better at soccer. Translation: Israel won the World Cup. We are the greatest in the world.

Israel takes gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. The only kind of gymnastics that doesn't take athleticism
And the seventeen year olds took the European Flag Football Championship. This being after they had to forfeit Shabbat games. Now Jews have mastered flag football and floor hockey. Any sport that involves something that is not natural to the sport, such as a flag you have to pull or now ice skates, we are the best at. Jews are now looking to conquer the world in sports such as sponge bat baseball and crab soccer. We have already mastered paper football.

And Vikings kicker, Greg Joseph, wears cleats with Am Yisrael Chai on them. But not during a game. That was news. Somehow not wearing cleats that support Israel in support of Israel is news.
We’re just exciting the guy is in the NFL and he’s Jewish. That’s news every day. We were even excited when Julian Edelman was kind of Jewish.

And some Jewish guy got benched for being Jewish. We cannot confirm this story, but we're sure some college athlete should've got more playing time. His mother will tell you.
A Jewish mother will let you know, it's because of the antisemitism in sports.

The rally in Washington last month was an amazing experience and show of unity. Looking back at some of the pictures from the rally, I was reminded of the signs of support.
It’s rare that we get a chance to unify as Jewish people in support of our nation. This was the time. Those who didn't show up should feel bad. Especially those people from Detroit who got stuck in the airport, due to bus drivers refusing to take them to the pro-Israel rally.
When you go to a rally, you bring signs. And when there is unity, you make signs. Hopefully with glitter. Glitter makes signs more exciting, and it brings bedazzled people together.
Here are some of the sings I saw:

Defeat Terror
It's good to know these people were not pro-terror. I didn't see a sign saying 'Terror. We Support You.' I don't believe anybody was holding up a 'Terror. We miss you.' This wasn't a pro-Palestinian rally in England or Australia. No Ivy League was willing to host the event.

Pro Peace. Anti Hamas. Pro Israel. Anti Bibi!
If I was them, I would've just had a sign, 'I hate Bibi.' That would've made the point stronger. Truth is, I think they were yelling, 'I hate Bibi.' That should've probably been the sign. Not everybody has time to make signs for everything they want to say.
Is Bibi part of Hamas? I am trying to figure out what the sign is truly trying to convey.

America Stands with Israel
That's good to know. That made me happy to see. At least one Jewish American stands with our people in Israel.
Come to think of it. I think it was an Israeli holding that sign. Wishful thinking.

Cleveland Stands with Israel
There was a lot of standing. At a rally, you want to stand. All the people with signs were standing with something.
I saw one or two people sitting. They weren't holding signs.

I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a clean toilet anywhere in Washington DC?!
That wasn't a sign. That was me yelling. I needed anything other than a porta-potty. They're disgusting.
I should be complaining to the organizers. If you're going to run a rally properly, you should have built in bathrooms. You budget.

Thank You Israel for Fighting Terror
That was held up by a group of people that insisted they were not willing to help.
Somebody held up that sign on a college campus and was attacked. No Israelis were around.

Free Hostages. Support Israel. Combat Terror!
I think he got in the important points, while repurposing the word 'free.' I hope they don't get sued by the Palestinians. I had to stop a guy who got angry when he saw the word 'free.' He came at them yelling, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' I pulled that guy aside and told him he was too loud, and he should've made a sign saying, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.'
The only thing they left out of that sign is how much they hate Bibi.

Let Israel Finish the Job
Some people get in the way of hard-working people. That is just plain rude.

From the River to the Sea, Israel Will always Be Free.
Many Americans claimed this was a ploy to try to get better bargains in Israel.
Very confusing. I think this one was pro-Israel as well.

Cleveland. Stronger Than Hate .
I couldn't tell you. I don't live there. I don't know how much people in Cleveland hate each other. America makes fun of Cleveland. We don't hate it. I can understand the insecurity.
I am still worried it won't bring tourists to Ohio. There must've been a heart on that sign. I just wish it was bigger.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit. I think Detroit is stronger than hate. Detroit is a very strong word. It sounds stronger than Cleveland.

Signs I Would Have Liked to Have Seen
Israel. What a Country.
We love people. We even love Jews. I think this one would've caused a lot of controversy on college campuses.
New York Loves Israel. I know people from New York were there. They just didn't let people know they love Israel. I'm worried people thought that all the New Yorkers at the pro-Israel rally were there to protest Israel. Maybe they assumed that the Yarmulke is like a pro-Israel sign. To me, if you're not holding it up, it's not a sign. One guy was wearing it. That wasn't a sign. That was an A-frame.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Everybody loves Cyndi Lauper. I figure. If they love Cyndi, they'll love Israel. Associative rallying. We could've also had sings up saying 'Ice cream is great. And So is Israel.' That would've drawn support for the homeland.
Rochester New York Showed Up. Sometimes you just want to be noticed.
Jews Make Better Hummus. Sometimes you have to hit back hard.

And then there were signs for the hostages who were kidnapped, who we are still fighting to bring home. There were signs saying 'Bring Them Home,' as we chanted it together. One or two people had signs saying, 'Let My People Go.' Even though they got the rally confused with Pesach, as they saw a lot of Jews, they meant well.
There's no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. It was heartwarming to see so many amazing signs of support at the rally. I personally didn't bring one. My arms get too tired to support Israel.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to support for Israel by wearing Tzizit or a flag, and the joy of lighting Chanukah candles within the reach of babies, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about chocolate covered coins that everybody else likes.

It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share.
 
The 2am Trip
The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep.
I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses.
I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. 

So Many People
In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources.
The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers.
It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’

The Signs
There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody.
So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit.

People Wearing Israeli Flags
People were wearing flags throughout the Mall.  This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets.

A Lot of People Taking Pictures
Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist.
Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X.
I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture.

Tons of New Yorkers Showed
So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud.
 
Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home'
It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages.
Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.'

Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel
I didn't expect that.
I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally.
One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel.

I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much
I was in the rally spirit.
It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation.
I clapped at times I want to take back right now:
The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people.
'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do.
'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment.

The Loud Speech Clap Ender
They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding.

Am Yisrael Chai
I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah.
That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping.
 
It Was Very Peaceful
There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America.
I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me.
And no counter-protesters got hurt.

We Thanked the Security and the Police
At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer.

The Singers Were Amazing
It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags.
The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi.
And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair.
It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer.

Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back
I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break.
At that point, I really needed to go.

It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York.
Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping.