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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.
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You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees. No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun. The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy. Eat Dried Fruit Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning. And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan. To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday. Sulfor Dioxide Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that. Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase. Why Nuts It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it. Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch. The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people. Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over. Tradition of Puns Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs. The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder. Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder. Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues. I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaEra1/26/2025
Announcements
Congregants should not be scared of the terrorist prisoner release. Our shul has dealt with college students for the past few years. We understand ceasefires are a scary thing. But know you’ve already lived through college students. The rabbi says moving to Israel is the right thing to do. To quote our rabbi: “Moving to Israel and selling your house ensures you are not in Topeka. You already haven’t paid your dues.” The Gabai is allowed to give Haftorah to whomever he would like. It is part of the services. Even if you are usually at Kiddish club getting drunk during the Haftorah, it’s still part of the services. The rabbi can give it to you. And you will have to read not under the influence. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Fight Off College Students Without the Help of Tzahal. You Moving to Israel: How to Bring Shalom to Our Shul. Why Leaving Services to Get Drunk Might Not Be the Right Thing to Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are all affected by our previous actions. Which is why the members of this congregation are so messed up. Previous actions is also the reason we are still having the Walk for Our Elders in the Snow Fundraiser... It’s freezing and last year three of our senior citizens caught pneumonia. But dumb decisions lead to dumb decisions and that is why we have our board... (Shemot 7:3) Gd says, “And I will harden Paroh’s heart.” Everybody is always worried "but Paroh didn't have free will." Nobody cares about the fact he was whipping Jews. He was murdering little babies, but you're worried about Paroh's mental well-being. Paroh needs a safe space to express himself. If that means murdering Jewish babies... Does H’ really harden Paroh’s heart. The commentaries teach that it’s habit. It’s habit that causes us not to change. It’s habit that makes us evil. We get used to something and at that point, our hearts are hardened. And then you have our board... Congregants give up. No need for me to go into detail about how none of our members help the elderly anymore... H’ does that final action. He’s there to aid us in our stupid... You guys go out to drink. You’re used to it. You come to shul to drink. Most come to Daven. You come to drink. Because that's your habit. Your free will that turned into a fixed state of drunkenness... You should participate in the services. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah so he could participate... First time you didn’t get drunk at services since your Bar Mitzvah... That’s what Haftorahs do. They keep you from the Kiddish Club and sober for Musaf... First time you've read Haftorah not under the influence, and you still made mistakes... Your family was definitely drinking at your Bar Mitzvah. Having to listen to you reading up there. Let's talk about the Kiddish Club for a second. The club with all the hardened hearts of the fools.... That's what alcohol does. It brings out the fools. What kind of club is it? What's the goal of the club? To get you drunk for Musaf. The Freemasons are looking to build a better future. The Kiddish Club is there to get out of prayers and come back in a way that lets your kids down... Yonatan. Your children are going to show up to shul and have flashbacks to Musaf with drunk dad puking on them. You're the only club that makes it a point to not help. Even the sisterhood does more than you. The point of the club is to get out of Davening... That’s the right of the Levis and Cohens. They can leave services to wash hands... I know some of them don’t come back. But at least they leave for the right reasons... Our congregants leaving is a good thing. Which is why you should move to Israel. All Kiddish Club members should move to Israel. Moving to Israel is the right thing. Yishuv HaAretz... Yishuv HaAretz has nothing to do with a huge hotel breakfast... When you move there, you can’t afford the huge breakfast. Unless at the Dead Sea. It's cheaper there for some reason. The huge breakfast is for tourists. They call it the Israeli breakfast, because tourists who visit Israelis can afford it. You should move to Israel... Jobs?! H’ provides in Israel... H' hardens the hearts of the Kiddish Club and provides in Israel. What do you do here that’s helpful... You make money, but you’re not helpful. It’s safe in Israel. I’m sending you to the Jewish homeland. With terrorists right there... Well. We have college students here. Being scared is a habit. No matter what the habit, you get stuck there. It's a habit and your heart is stuck. If it's drinking, killing people, or not moving from Topeka. You're scared, because you're stuck... You even wrote to Bibi to send soldiers to our shul to help fight off students. Some of these college campuses are full of terrorists... Students. Terrorists. Activists. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. At least you can see the face of the terrorists... I’m not scared to move to Israel. I’ve had to deal with the congregants already... Your heart has been hardened to Aliyah. To moving to Israel... Moshe had a hard time and was scared. He didn’t know how to lead. How to speak up. Kind of like the president of our shul. But he was self-aware... Maybe he didn’t have a Jewish day school education. Egyptian public schools do not make orators. Again. Moshe expresses his worry and tells H’ (Shemot 6:30) “I have sealed lips, so how will Paroh obey me.” If you can't talk, who will listen?... I know you don't listen to my Dvar Torahs, Bernie. I get it... His lips were hardened. Again, habit. A habit that wouldn't be a bad thing if Bernie adopted it. How do we get out of this rut? How do we change our habits of being a congregant and drunk? How does one not be scared anymore? How do unharden the heart of the board? How do congregants move to Israel? (Shemot 7:1) H’ tells Moshe, “See. I have made you a master to Paroh, and Aharon, your brother. will be your spokesman...” The Kiddish Club just can't stop talking. That's not a help. H' is telling Moshe that the way to get out of this habit is to know that there are others to help. There is Aharon there to help him change his habit. His worry. His fear. And I have a fear that old people walking in the frozen snow is not healthy... We have to depend on others sometimes. His brother. Right there. Right in front of him. That is the one who is there to help. And Moshe couldn't see that. The same way the board can't see that the programming in this shul is messed up, and that the shul would be better if most of the congregants moved to Israel... With the help of his brother, he was able to be a master. Once he looked outside of himself, he was able to have belief. When I look outside of this congregations, the world is beautiful... In order to deal with our demons. Our habits of destruction, we have to just look outside ourselves for that help. Then maybe you will leave this shul and move to Israel. And stop your habits of Davening drunk. If Paroh would've just seen outside his desire for power and hatred of Jews... Why are you still worried about Paroh not having free choice. Maybe we can work together and stop the habit of killing babies... May all the hostages and their families be comforted, and have strength and Bracha... You say you need to drink. Don’t look to Merv for help. His jokes will have you wanting to drink more. Look to Sadie. The only decent one in this shul. She will help our people. She'll stop you from talking... If the congregation just didn't talk... Rivka's Rundown The elderly winter walk is not smart. To quote the rabbi, "Almost as dumb as our shul's president." Should've done that program in the summer, when our seniors can go outside without thirty layers. For the walk last year, there was a heater truck moving really slowly in front of the walk for elders. The truck turned all the snow on the sidewalk into slush. It ripped up the city park's grass. And everybody came out of it feeling sicker, due to wet feet turned frostbitten. Why the seniors had to do the walk for elder's health in minus five-degree weather still has me questioning. The rabbi likened the worry for Paroh to the whole Gaza thing. How these people are trying to kill us, and everybody is worried about their living situation. Got to worry about the terrorists and how they were "raised to hate Jews. It's not their fault." I’m worried for our brethren. How about they don't try to kill us. I think that's an idea. Some congregants came to the rabbi and said, "Well, Hamas and the Gazans. Gd hardened their heart. It's not their fault." The rabbi told them, "You're fools." I believe that was his simple response. What the rabbi was teaching is that evil is built up until all of their choices are evil. Or to be more exact, and all of their choices are "we hate Jews. Like the president of our shul." I still think he's looking for a raise. Fact is that they’re everywhere. I’ve never been so scared of a ceasefire. It seems that ceasefire means terrorists our on the streets. It always seems like there's more danger when we put down our weapons. The fact we survived college students is very empowering. The rabbi wrote a letter regarding the ceasefire. Very uninspiring. He said nothing. He just wrote, “It should be for Bracha.” Absolutely nothing. And nobody was mad, or comforted. He says "Bracha" and everybody loves him. You can be deathly ill and he'll say, "It should be for Bracha." It sounds good. Almost as good as saying "Mazel Tov." Maybe he should've wrote, "Mazel Tov." That would've been a good response to the release of terrorists. A celebratory reaction. The move to Israel didn't happen. Once they realized the jobs don't pay as much, they decided it wasn't a Jewish value or Mitzvah to go to Israel. "Hearts hardened to moving to Israel." Brilliant. The rabbi likened the congregants to Paroh. Love it. Why the rabbi hasn't moved to Israel is still a question. He brings up moving all the time, and he hates the shul. The rabbi just wanted to get rid of the congregants. They could’ve moved to Costa Rica. Anywhere outside of America. That was a huge dis. That line about the sisterhood doing more than the Kiddish Club. That stings. There is a line you don't cross, and that is telling somebody that the sisterhood does more than them. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah. A dirty trick. Kept him in shul for the Haftorah. Sneaky and mean. The guy missed the Kiddish Club. He went through all of Musaf without a buzz. I've never seen somebody shake so much during the Musaf Amidah. I think Yonatan was going through withdrawal during the prayer. Reading the Haftorah is not easy. It's like a test for these guys. It brings back harsh memories of being in middle school and having to read in front of the class. The why leaving shul to get drunk might not be the right thing class was not understood. There were many questions asked to the rabbi, in the form of "I don't understand." The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How to Calm Down a Terrorist1/22/2025
Many people are scared about the release of the terrorists, asking me, "David. What do we do?" You live.
Before getting into this article, May all of the hostages come home safely. Our prayers continue to go out to them and their families. The nightmare they have gone through is unforgivable. And to know these bloodthirsty terrorists have been put back out there is bothersome. The question still stands. "What do we do?" I can tell you, do not be scared. Israelis have dealt with terror forever. And Americans have had to deal with college students. With so many terrorists out there, we have to discuss what to do when confronted with a terrorist. First, say "Shalom." Greet them. This is going to be dark, but here is some advice for how to calm them down. Show Them Support As we all know, killing terrorists is wrong. You want to empathize with them. Talk it out. See their perspective. Support groups are good. Anything where they are thinking killing themselves is not the right thing today. One day at a time. Start a terror support group if that helps. Get them talking about how their parents never believed in them enough. How their parents didn't think they had the ability to blow themselves up. Sometimes, what parents say can hurt. Get them to open up about the day they lived. Terrorists need a safe space to let out their emotions. Their hurt. Empathize. Maybe give them some warm clothes. A decent coat. Some hot Sabich. It seems to get quite cold in Gaza. This is why they're always wearing ski masks. They never have coats. Empathize a bit. I know Hamas waits for The North Face to have a decent sale before outfitting the Gazans. Give them the coat when they need it. If they are the suicide type, ask them why they want to take others and not just themselves. Educate Them Take the positive approach. Let them know they don't have to blow themselves up to be successful and to receive the adulation of others. Pull them aside for a deep conversation about how you were once down and out when your parents didn't send you enough money to go out drinking in the Shuk when you first made Aliyah. We all go through hard times. Teach them a new trade. Maybe finance. Get them into investments. Get them involved in a trade where they'll only want to kill themselves if they find out the stock market crashed. Give them hope. Instruments are good. Teach them to play the ukulele. Ukuleles don't kill people. There is no reason to blow yourself up when you can play beautiful songs like “Over the Rainbow.” And there is no reason to blow up a ukulele, unless if you find yourself at an open mic, or trying to enjoy a series. Acting is an excellent profession. They're excellent at acting. They've mastered the playing dead. Some of them have already died four or five times. And they pull it, each time. Redirect Their Anger Sports is good for this. Redirect their anger to soccer. Soccer fans yell a lot too. They can find hatred for other people that aren't Jewish, known as fans of the other team. They can feel the same comradery as they do with their fellow terrorists, as they root for their team by jumping up and down and attacking the other fans. If all else fails, let them know there are other Jews. [That might have been too dark. I apologize for that. Too soon. Three-thousand years is too soon. It's just crazy knowing there are so many terrorists and anti-Semites out there. Even if it's not funny, you will always be able to say this piece is gutsy.] Lock Your Doors Terrorists like blowing stuff up. They're not good at picking locks. If your door is locked, it'll take them a while to figure out how to get in. They may knock. Don’t answer. If you answer, they’ll make their way into the house. This is also why I don’t answer the door when my in-laws visit. [There is always room for a mother-in-law joke. Especially when you're not married and talking about terrorism.] Sing with Them Singing brings people together. “Am Yisrael Chai” is a beautiful song. “Over the Rainbow” would be good times too. Pull out the guitar, the bongo and the ukulele. Stay away from the bonfire. Just sing in a circle. Keep it a circle. You can always sing the Jihad ABCs with the male Miss Lyle. That will bring back childhood memories about how the Jews are the devil and they should be killed. Childhood memories always warm the heart. Educate Them on Israel Their education is off. They think Israel doesn’t exist. And yet their charter says to kill everybody in Israel. [Some jokes don’t land. Maybe this isn't the right topic to try to be funny about.] Teach them about Israel. Take them on one of those educational seminars where they tell you about water levels. Then, they'll only want to kill the presenter. Show them how expensive apartments are in Jerusalem and they might change that “Free Palestine” tone to just getting a better deal on housing. Saving some money would be good enough. [Working the Free Palestine pun. Giving it a different angle for you. People are always looking for new angles on the Free Palestine pun.] Less Rage Their full of rage. Terrorists are very rageful. They love rage. Days of rage. Mobs of rage. Rage against the machine. If you can just calm them down. If you can just derage them, you'll be OK. Give them credit for creating falafel and chumus. That will calm them down. That's why they're so outraged all the time, yelling, trying to kill Jews. That's why Arafat created this whole hoax. He just wanted credit for Chumus Abu Ammar. People take their chumus seriously. Teach Them About Other Places Maybe if they saw other places, like Europe, they might want to move there and blow stuff up. Other Ways to Protect Yourself When you’re online in the supermarket let them cut. They will get violent. Look both ways when crossing the street. Look both ways when on a sidewalk. Just look both ways. Always look both ways. And pray. Pray for the Israeli Army. Pray for the hostages. Pray for their families. Pray for the Jewish people. Pray to Gd that the government doesn't do more dumb stuff. Pray for peace. Pray to Gd that we rid the world of terrorists. Jews of the Diaspora, be strong. Know you can take out the terrorists. You've already dealt with college students. [What kind of idiot uses terror to make jokes!] The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I've got to tell you about this. I never knew the power of my Yarmulke till this open mic. I thought my Yarmulke was supposed to remind me about Gd. I didn't know it was supposed to get other people mad.
The Story I sat down at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke on the rocks. I'm not a loser. This young girl was performing her piece at the open mic in Buffalo. She was old enough to know that Jews should be killed. She had been to college. She had Jewish professors. And she had traveled to France, so she knew about Israel. As part of her piece she was going off on the "genocide of the Palestinian people." I sat there shocked. Who are these Palestinian people she speaks of? Who was doing this to these Palestinian people? I must stop them. Now. I had just shared laughs with some Arabs in Israel. I am assuming some of them identify as Palestinians. I would hope nobody is doing anything to them. But she was adamant that there was a genocide going on somewhere. I didn't know if that was part of the song or not. There was no music accompaniment. Maybe it was one of those music storyteller shows where they leave out the music. They get so excited about the story and they forget it's a concert. And she was really getting into this story. She started talking about Israelis being the devil. She was very passionate about that. I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. And I couldn't figure out how to respond. Everybody loves a good story. What am I going to do? Start yelling at her for her creativity? Shake her up and mess up the story? Maybe she was speaking about the genocide of the Palestinians that lived 4,000 years ago; the start of the Palestinian people and their documented history as a state. She started speaking of this utopian society where women could frolic and get raped. And finally, rape would be supported. There would be no more judgment of the beheading of little children. A paradise where genocide would finally be defined as defending one's people against enemies who are trying to murder everyone in their nation. She was speaking of a Messianic Palestinian time of redemption. It was a beautiful story, delivered with emotion and tears, setting up the song "Zombie," written in support of the Palestinian people who had to deal with the ruthless British in Ireland. Everybody clapped. The story was amazing. How she intertwined the need to kill all Jews in the utopia which was Palestinian Ireland. It was brilliant. To be honest, I think I even clapped. It was the most creative story. Innovative, ingenious, original. At least now I knew where the Palestinian genocide was happening. In Ireland. The story was brilliant, but I felt for those who identify as Palestinian. Did they really feel rape was fine? And she continued with "the day of joy when Jews were dragged through the streets and finally burned. A day in which cheers were had by all." She left some of that part out. Her friends were disappointed. They were hoping for more of the story of Satan the Jew. They wanted to hear more of this utopian ridding of the Jews, as the crowd were pacifists and believed in love of all. So, she cried for the twelve million reported Gazan deaths and went into the song. How Do I Respond My Jewish side and love of my nation and people kicked in. I thought this was wrong, even if it was a story. If you're going to tell a story, tell it correctly. I was bothered she didn't throw the Black Plague into this. If she was going to tell this story with any facts, she would've mentioned how Jews make it a point of drinking blood. Which is Kosher if it's from nonJewish children and Shechted just right. I didn't know if I could argue against stuff that doesn't exist. I simply sat there, took off my winter hat, and there was my Kippah. She finished her song on behalf of the Cranberries who wrote it for the Palestinian people of Ireland and everybody clapped. Cheers were heard throughout the streets of Buffalo. "What a piece. The Palestinians of Gaza should be allowed their Gd given right to behead toddlers and burn them with pride. It's their tradition and the Jewish people of Israel have the Chutzpah to try to stop it. Genocide!!! They're committing genocide. Why do the Israelis have an issue with Hamas using their own children in a war? They're their children. Should not all soldiers be protected by their children???" And the story somehow turned real. That last line was good. You felt that. They Were Offended Taking to the cheers and claps she looked to the side and saw me sitting there, with my Kippah. My presence offended all. I killed the brilliant rendition of the Cranberries. No. It was my Kippah. My Kippah was screaming at them and they were offended. The Kippah. That Chutzpan. Open mic girl's hatred for me was felt. I went to the bathroom and as I came back, with my Kippah still on my head, her friends went to check on her. They saw my Kippah and they were bothered that nobody knocked it off. Her and all of her friends were having talks about me. "Did he approach you?" They wanted to know if I hit on her. Another act of genocide. She responded, "No. But his Yarmulke did. And his Yarmilke had a whole lot to say. Perched there, arguing with me. The audacity of the Yarmulke. It even said that his people only want peace and to protect the innocent lives. His Yarmulke told me the Israeli army even knocks on doors and tries to protect the non-terrorist Palestinians who want to kill his people, by letting them know they have to attack the area. Chutzpah. Knocking on doors." Before I got up for my piece she asked the MC, "Is he going up." And then she ran out with her friends. Crying. "How can they let a Jew sing?! This is America. I thought this was the land of freedom and acceptance. I hate this country." She was offended by my Kippah. She saw my Kippah and she couldn't argue against it. My Kippah made the bar a not safe space. The presence of the Yarmulke made the bar non-inclusive. I was thus quarantined to sit at the bar alone. They almost kicked me out, as my Kippah was arguing too much, and very loudly. Quite disruptive. Thank Gd, they didn't kick me out. They were going to kick out my Kippah, but my Kippah didn't break any rules. It just said that Jews are a good, kind and caring people, that hate having to go to war and defend against terror. Kippahs can be very loud. Especially, the Bucharian ones. My Performance When they all left, I asked her friend with the Kafeya, "Is it because I'm Jewish?... You don't have to leave because I'm Jewish. I know we can't dance." He smiled. I didn't know where he stood, as he was wearing his Kafeya on his shoulders. I didn't know if that was an American tradition or or an Arab tradition. It seems like most American college students wear Kafeyas on their shoulders. A style thing. I know it's not an Arab tradition to wear the Kafeya on the head. Maybe it's a Middle Eastern tradition to wear the Kafeya as a shawl when the weather gets really cold in Ireland. That's probably where it started. I was amazed at the protest against me and my people in a small bar in Buffalo, New York. But I wore that Kippah with pride and sung some songs about people getting along. "Sing along, even if you're Christian. Be happy that you come from a Jew. Because Gd might love you too. Because you come from a Jew. Sing along, even if you're Muslim. Be happy that you believe in one Gd too. Because Gd might love you too. If you know a Jew..." Peace was the message, and the few sitting there turned into lovers of all. Not lovers of terrorists. Lovers of people. Gd might love them too now. And they all sung and clapped for me. Everybody except for the Zombie and her friends. They were outside crying that Jews are allowed to sing. In solidarity of all humans, they wanted the Jew out. She wanted to get rid of the Israeli. In her defense, I was occupying a seat at the bar. Notes When I got back from the bathroom, I didn't drink my Diet Coke. I am aware of what story time can do to your drink when you're wearing a Kippah. I did introduce my songs of peace with, "I will not create any new definitions of genocide. Nor will I talk about genocide. Such as the Armenian genocide, perpetrated by the Young Turks." I am guessing she got her story from story time with Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I had one of those moments of political brilliance and little knowledge. You can share that with your friends. Postscript About the Kippah The Kippah is a real buzz killer. There was somebody sitting there with a Yarmulke, killing the performance. It bothered them so much that, because of Israel, they couldn't defile him and burn him at a bar in Buffalo. If the bouncer was doing his job, he would've kicked out the Kippah. Yarmulkes are loud. They yell, “I am still here.” And that is offensive to anti-Semites. Now I know why I wear a Kippah. And that is to piss people off. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XL12/10/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people being religious and using Kosher laundry detergent, while he speaks of Israeli dancing requiring guns and graffiti not being the way to stop people from peeing on your wall, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing support for religious Jewish models who come heavier.
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Graffiti has its own beauty in Israel. Though, it didn’t seem to touch my soul like the Kotel did… I’m sure the people peeing have Kavanah. Proper intent is quite important. Even so, I do question if graffiti is the proper way to protest peeing on walls. To be honest, if one were to ever pee in an alley, that looks like the right spot.
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Accusing Israel Of What?!11/14/2024
They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again. I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists. Genocide Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide. You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack. Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell. They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call. We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo." And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us. Torture They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners. Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are singing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune. I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating. There Was a Palestinian State No. There wasn't. Never. Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement. FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.' Jews Try to Be Funny Jews take a chance at being funny. Fact: Sometimes they're not. Israelis are Aggressors They claim Jews are aggressors. Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people. We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews. It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language. They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'. Apartheid This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition. ELAL is Giving Deals No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war. The Death Toll in Gaza is... I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now. I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are. They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor. We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it. People Like Carlebach Minyins Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul. Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN. Occupiers They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation." My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation." Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba." Israel Has Elections All the Time That's true. The People of Gaza are Innocent They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas. Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet. Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match. I hope this helps. There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about. It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times. They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea. "Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIX11/7/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people giving him a beautiful holiday fruit platter and kids enjoying themselves on Simchat Torah, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for stealing food from the shuk and bringing up the price on Chamutzim in Israel.
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Jewish wedding dance, known as the push-up... The fact that a Jew can do a push-up is quite impressive. Almost as impressive as dancing with a bottle on your head. Which is why this is done in front of the Chatan and Kallah. To bring them joy, impressing them with a skilled dance. You can see the crowd looking on in awe of this amazing display of talent.
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I think this is forbidden. The huge candy is too heavenly for the children to understand that you don't pray to it, but to Gd. On the holiday the kids at shul prayed to the Dum-Dums and KitKats. The shul usually decorates the Bima with flowers for the holidays. Yet, nothing is as glorious in the Lord's eyes as a 50lb Hershey Bar... I carried the KitKat around, not a Torah, to celebrate sweets on Simchat Torah...
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Last time we discussed haggling. Now we will discuss practice and working the techniques. The Third of What They Say Technique, The You Name the Price and Run With What You Want Technique, The Walk Away Method. The Purchase What You Don’t Want Tactic. How do you prepare for Israel?! That is today's question.
Practice. Like anything in life, you must practice. You don’t just show up as a tourist expecting to get a bargain. You don't just show up to the Kotel expecting to not get attacked by the Tefillin guy, unless if you've been practicing your wind sprints. You don't just order falafel and expect to get an extra falafel ball, unless if you told them to hold off on the salads - a money topping method used by the skilled falafel purchaser who has practiced balancing the free salatim - a money saving method for the thrifty falafel eater. You prepare. You study. You learn Hebrew. I have a friend who spent five years getting her doctorate in Hebrew, just so she could get a decent deal on avocados at the shuk. Tzimtzum and Me Maybe I'm using that word wrong. Haggling comes with practice. It's not just a skill set. It's a mindset. Haggling is a way of life. If you have pride, you'll never be able to get a deal. Hence, you must practice to develop the necessary skills for not caring about other people judging you for saving a shekel on a bag of pickles. Making the shuk guy feel like he got ripped off. Not feeling bad arguing over the cost of a falafel ball. Walking in well polished shoes, letting them know you won't budge. It takes years to get to that point of not feeling shame over the shekel and a half. I am proud to say I am there. After twenty years of living in Israel, practicing my skills, I have saved a good 15nis. True pride, if I may say so. And that only came with the understanding of myself, and not caring if I women are attracted to me. Tooting My Horn - Inspiration for Haggling Practice Overseas I'm a haggling savant. Nothing will stop me from getting a better deal. That's the attitude you must have, even when you're in America, which is not in the Middle East (most Americans are not aware of this tidbit). Remember, you must stay in practice. Something not easy to do, when the people working at Macy's think the price tag with the sale sign on it is the final price. To stay in practice, you must complain. Complaining is paramount to bargaining technique. You want to let them know how bad the product is, which is why you want it. Many sales people don't get this. I went to the manager’s office at Macy’s and sat down to discuss how I didn't like the price tags. It turned out to be a decent conversation, and I walked out with nothing. Purchasing a home? Show up and let them know you don't want it. That will throw them for a loop. Practice Wherever You Are If I haven't inspired you yet. Work on your haggling skill set. Wherever you are, keep your haggling up to snuff. To keep myself in practice and ready for the shuk vendors, I've haggled with vending machines. It's hard to get a decent deal on the Snyder’s sourdough pretzels. But I was persistent. When haggling with a machine, you want to employ the Violent Yell Back Method. Whack the machine while screaming at it and a decent bag of pretzel fifths might come out. A Story to Inspire You I've used my haggling skills in America, and I've gotten deals. Sometimes it is a shocker. The pizza shop guy didn't see it coming. He was selling pizza. The pizza shop guy said the slice was $3.75. I told him there was no way I was paying $3.75 for the last slice of pizza on that pie. I told him, ‘$1.50.’ Remember, you decide the price. That was the first time in my life that I got a slice of pizza for free. He said, ‘Please take this slice and never come back.’ You see, haggling works everywhere. Just keep your skills fresh. Remember, the best place to practice is department stores. They have employees that are there to field questions that make no sense. And they have security, which adds an extra dimension to the haggling experience, when they're trying to throw you out. Keep your skills fresh and haggle with the marked prices and sales at department stores in America, and the shuk vendors will be a breeze. My friend who worked on her Hebrew, she still got ripped off. She knew Hebrew, but she sounded like an American. Point is, you must practice. She regrets learning Hebrew. To quote, 'Why learn Hebrew if you can't get a deal.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You want to shop at the shuk and not get ripped off. Equip yourself with haggling techniques. First step is not being frightened by people yelling at you in a language you don't understand. If you have the courage to get passed being berated for standing in the produce section, near the avocado, here are haggling techniques to help you save the money. Mind you, shuk vendors are very passionate about their avocado.
The Methods The Third Method Always respond with a third of whatever price the vendor says. Some people say half, but I that’s very poor methodology. Half is where you might end the negotiation. He says 30 shekels, you say 10. 6nis, you say 2. He says 100, you say 33.3333333. The product isn’t important. He says, ‘Pears are 200.’ You say, ’66.6666666.’ He goes for a crazy number like 102nis, walk away. You don't have time to start figuring out those calculations. Only negotiate with round numbers. If they start playing that game they play, where you have to start using divisibles that have nothing to do with 3, run. You get him down on the loquats from 70 to somewhere in the teens, you did good. You might be overpaying, as you do not know the going rate for tiny citrus fruit, and you made the mistake of sticking around with a weird divisible (it happens). Yet, you're still getting a deal. You might have no idea what a loquat is. Remember, haggling a mindset. The Walk Away This is a great way to get a deal. Just walk away. This allows for the vendor to haggle with himself. The haggling will happen if you're involved or not. You walk away, they're saying, 'OK. I go down.' You keep on walking, they're saying, 'Oh. A hard bargainer. I give you thirty shekels off.' Shuk vendors are excellent at haggling. Pros. Don't get involved in the negotiation. He can bring himself down to 0 shekels with ease. No vendor is satisfied with not making the sale. He will follow you through the shuk and abandon his store for you. By the time you are at your car, he'll be placing the almonds and sunflower seeds in your trunk at no charge. The key here is to walk away and not talk. If you're on your phone and don't even realize the vendor is talking to you, all the better. You'll get an amazing deal. The Product You Don't Want Method For this to work you have to not want the product. The greatest way to get a deal is to get something you have no use for. Something that will absolutely ruin the look of your home. This method has been overlooked by too many people. The best way to haggle is to go shopping for stuff that is useless to you. Purchase something you truly despise, you'll always come out a winner. This is the next step in The Walk Away Method. Here, you are walking away and saying, ‘I do not want it. I didn't even ask for it. Why are you following me.’ And you truly don't want the handheld fan. If you use this method correctly, they will pay you for the product. This is the reason I always go shopping for paddles with the attached rubber ball. I don’t like the game, don’t want the paddle and only get frustrated when I use it. Many times this works best when you don't initiate anything. The shopkeeper asks if you want a bango, calling you his friend. You say no. Next thing you know, he's giving you deals on this bango you don't want. Due to this more advanced technique, I've been purchasing stuff I didn't even know they had. One guy was trying to get rid of a butterfly amulet. Didn't want it. I have no idea what butterflies have to do with Israel, or screaming at me. Didn't even know I bought it. He said, 'Here. Give me a shekel and take it.' The Yell Back Method You yell at them. You scream loud enough and scare them. That's when you get the deal. Note, you have to be louder than them. They're only scared of people who can shout the cost of that day's avocado louder than them. This method also works well with violence. Get this method down, and you're running the shuk. Deals are endless. You might get locked up. Either way, you're getting an excellent deal on dinner. You Name the Price Method Show up at the store and tell them how much it costs. This technique is a lot of fun, as you the customer decide the price. And you the customer are always correct, if you're loud enough. If you decide on the price, what can they say? Nothing. Exactly. Disregard any markings. You want to pick out a new shirt with the Beitar Jerusalem’s logo on it, you don’t like the price, tell him ’20 shekels.’ Better yet, you don't like the logo, bring the price down to 12nis. You feel there should be a sale? 50% off on the 12 shekels, you're only paying 6. It is up to you. Place down the money, and do a fast walk away. The Stand and Eat Method If you don't ask and take it. It's free. As long as you don't ask for a bag and eat it there, all produce is on the house. Note: You cannot use this method with the Walk Away. Once you’re moving, you have to pay. I hope this gives you the courage to get a decent deal on avocado. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize. We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game. We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers. We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.' Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary. The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain... I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist. Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields. I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit. It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you. Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up. The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it... (Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up... Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz... I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time. (Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership. It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you. That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked. I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude. Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like. The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart... We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite... And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over... Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal... If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it. Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school. It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy. Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary... That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is. Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues... (Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up... And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit... No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure... Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf... So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with... Rivka's Rundown How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes. ‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer. How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance. The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart. Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English. Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation. It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course. The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people. Most of our membership is against Jewish unity. Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days. The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror. People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.' I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen. The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art. I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates. The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container. We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero. The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid. I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish. They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk. It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish Dances: The Hora Styles10/21/2024
Simchat Torah is coming up. Hence, we shall discuss Jewish dances. In years past we've talked about the different One Hand Torah Hold methods, the Huddle Jump, the Arm Raise, Chest Bounce techniques, the Arm Interlocked Twirl Arounds, the Rebbe Approach and dangers surrounding it, the Run Fast, the most popular of Jewish dances, the Walk Around, and the Stand and Clap.
This year we will focus on some hora styles of Jewish dance, so you can look cool and traditional at shul this Simchat Torah. Hora Circles The Hora is about style. And style is what Jewish dancing is about. You walk around that circle and you look good. The Hora is an Israeli style dance where you move forward and then you go back to where you started. It is a great feeling when you think you are moving and then, you are skipping and jumping back to where you were. The Hora is not just a dance. The Hora is a message. A way of saying that progress is not our goal, like the tradition of a nation. 'We are moving, but we are not.’ Even if the circle is moving, every once in a while, you make sure to take that step, back to remind the kids about to tradition and to hurt the guy behind you's foot who was moving too fast. The Back and Forth The Hora can be a letdown in the modern Hora circle, as it sometimes moves forward a bit too fast. Many people like the idea of staying in one place when dancing, which makes for a more perfect Hora. These people don’t do the Hora’s two steps forward and one step back. Instead, they created the one step forward and one step back. Affectionately known as The Cradle Rock, this is for people who like to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and don’t like to move while they are dancing. The Jew of tradition, this is Israeli dancing at its best. A variation of The Back and Forth is the ‘Sit Down.’ Similar to a protest, the ‘Sit Down’ is where you take a chair, sit down in the middle of the dance floor, and take a break. At a proper wedding, you may be lucky enough to get some people dancing in front of you, confusing you for the bride and groom. If you play the Sit Down version of the Hora correctly, you might get some gifts too. Half Beat Side to Side Jump Huge in the ultra-Orthodox community, and done at all Tishes, this is where you interlock arms with the person next to you, hold each other close, and rock back and forth. A great show of Achdut, Jewish unity, you don't move together. It’s similar to the Israeli Hora, but more Frum. Leg To Leg Bop The modern Hora dance used for everything in Israel, more bopping is involved in this hora. Still dancing in circles, you may do this dance alone. Known as the COVID, the distance Hora jump dance making its way to America the past few years, I would like to credit Effie Allman for noting the brilliance and multifaceted abilities of this dance. Dancing the Chatan and Kallah to the Chupah, dancing at protests, dancing at football matches, the meaning may change. Yet, the Leg to Leg Bop Hora remains in its tradition of expression. Due to the dangers of uncoordinated wedding guests, many do Leg to Leg Bop dance alone. Still in a circle, as it is Jewish. Never take a dance out of the circle. Heretics do that. Apikorsim. Once the dance is in line form, it's not Jewish. The 'Yiddin' is not a Jewish dance. Nor is 'Cotton Eyed Joe.' I understand that last statement will cause much controversy. However, it must be said. It's not in a circle. It's a line dance. It has no connection to a Hora. 'Cotton Eyed Joe' is not a Jewish dance. Again, like The Run Fast Dance, you must be in shape to bop. Next time we will deal with what to do when there are many circles. Also focusing on which circle to join when you're out of shape and not ready for a Leg to Leg Bop. We will also discuss whether The Train is Jewish, and if you have to perform The Train in circle form for it to be Halachikly permissible. This Simchat Torah, claim your spot and do the Hora. Remember, like any good traditional Israeli dance, the Key to the Hora is letting the people know, 'I'm moving but I'm not.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXVIII9/28/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people not going for car washes in Israel, putting his stuff in storage and enemies that should die like gourds on Rosh Hashana, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for taking stones from a grave, so his ancestors will stones on their headstones.
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I was at the cemetery, and I had no stones. I was trying to figure out where people get the stones to put on top of the headstones. I want to thank Moishe for helping with the stones for my family... Somebody already emptied Eli and Louis' supply... Sorry I didn’t notice your grave before I needed the stones. LAlyas Nishama.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXVII8/31/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews joining together in song, while enjoying the food at the rebbe's gravesite, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people in Israel trying to make a living.
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How I knew a Simcha was about to happen. There was tons of dessert and it was all way too small for me to enjoy myself… They were individually wrapped, which made it hard for me to eat it all. I had to take each tiny cupcake holder separately. I had reservations taking the toothpicks out of the personally wrapped pastry, with people’s names on it. I hope Ruchel understands why she didn’t get her oat ball.
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'End of the world sale' and people still won't part with their money. Tourists are still haggling... These guys at the shuk have it hard. I remember when the guy had a 'going out of business' sale for six years... Six years of having to go out of business. And the whole time he was still bringing in new product. Not easy to be going out of business that long. And then to have to stay in business after that. (Photo Credit: my sister-in-law, Esti)
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Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms. End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come. Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code. Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat... For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona... (Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created. After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares... I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week... People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance... No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing... It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or... It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic. If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas... The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere... Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it... When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form. Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them. People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings... Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal. It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness... These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could. A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it... He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah. We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you... Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away. The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit. The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim. I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima. I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members. The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle. I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities. After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues. The rabbi truly does not like aerobics. Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.' The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying. Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.
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A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
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That's what Color War looks like nowadays. All the kids playing for the tie dye team... Tie dye shirts?! All the kids are playing for every team. Going to war against each other on the same team... That’s how kids compete nowadays. I can’t explain it either... I thought they were competing. Then I found out they were all on the same team. Still competing, but all on the same team???!!
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXV7/10/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.
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My family is in America. I miss them. Oh. How I love thee, and thine money you send to pay for my livingith in thy Holy Land.
Israel is the family of my nation. The care and love of my national family is apparent. That familial care of a nation has shown this past year. The way we care and watch out for each other. It is unparalleled. Hence, I odeth thee with what I have merited to witness of thine glory. The family of Israel cares. The care has not shown more than in this past year, where the whole country came together to complain about the price of flights. Oh. How I love thee and thy financial understanding of supply and demand. The care extends. Israelis are the first to help in crisis. The care for all life, willing to travel to first aid the citizens of the world. If things are bad, Israelis will be there. This is why they get blamed. They're always at the catastrophe. Oh. How I love thee and how thy goesth to far off lands to stop flooding and saveth the lives of anti-Semites. Thy goesth to help, doing Mitzvahs, knowing thy willst be blamed for the deluge. How Jews start floods is another one of Gd's great miracles. The people of Israel don’t say 'excuse me.' They care too much. There is too much love. Pushing and bumping is our Middle Eastern way getting close to one another. It's our national way of hugging. Packed at the Kotel, we push. We even hold each other up by knocking into one another. It is how we celebrate what is known as Chagim. The holidays, where we come together as one by bumping a Jew you never met. In essence, a hug. Oh. How I love thee and thine bumping into myselfith. Others considereth thee rude when they are hit, in their lacketh of knowledge of thine culture. A culture of warmth. Israeli society is replete with statements of advice. When there is a bad day, somebody will say, 'Some days are honey, some are onions.' The way food is used to help one understand life is unparalleled. Oh. How I love thee and thine knowledge of the spiritual application of vegetation. My car wasn’t working, a guy passed me and said, 'Shower and drink coffee.' He didn’t fix my car, nor did he help me push it. Nonetheless, afterwards, I felt clean and more awake, allowing me to be more aware of how bad my engine problem was. Oh. How I love thee and thine understanding of what it takes to driveth a car, awake and clean. Oh. How I remembereth that car I left in the street. The Ford Escort that was towed and never salvaged. As I abandoned thee and went to shower and drink coffee. Why the beeping? Because Israelis care. I was stopped at a traffic light. They wanted to make sure I did not fall asleep. Oh. How I love thee and thine ensuring of my preparedness for a green light. Israel is one big family. Nowhere else in the world do strangers feel comfortable enough to criticize me to my face. Most citizens of other countries hesitate to tell me how ugly my sweater is. Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to tell me I am not good. You maketh me feel like I am at home. Without family, no one elseth will telleth me of how not successful I am. Israel is family. Israel is a home for all Jews. We even accept immigrants from America, who tell us how we should live our lives in Israel; more like Americans. Any other country would kick Americans out for being annoying. But we are family. Oh. How I love thee. Thine family of Israel. Oh. How I relish the shared love of food, going to the grocery store, sitting in the produce section and eating with my brethren. We may have gotteneth kickedeth out, but we have sharedeth in thine national family experience of not paying for groceries. Author's Note: I feel that odes are more meaningful written in Biblical English. It is more prayerful. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jerusalem Tour: The Kotel6/5/2024
People have a tradition to walk around Jerusalem on Yom Yerushalayim
For those who cannot make it, I will take you on a little virtual tour of the Old City, so you can feel like you are there yourself this Jerusalem Day, even if you've made no effort to visit Israel this year. Along with Hoshana Rabbah and Tisha BAv, Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot Night are two days where people flock to the Old City of Jerusalem and the Kotel. In honor of this tradition I will take you on a tour of the Kotel itself and explain what is going on. The People Walking Fast The religious men of Jerusalem walk very fast. A religious tradition. A defining attribute of Chasidim, the ability of speedy gait is a gift from Gd. The greater miracle you can see is how the Rebbe is walking slow, and yet he is still in front of his Chasidim who are walking three times faster than their rebbe. The Kotel Let's take a step back and speak of the Kotel. The Western Wall, the retaining wall of the Great Temple, which the Divine Presence never left. The Catholic Church also owns this, according to Roman law. The Temple area is on the other side of the Kotel. The Temple was a house of prayer for all nations ['My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations' (Yehsaya 56:7)], until around 1,350 when it became a house for all nations but Jews. People who built a dome there around 1,350 years ago get mad when Jews pray there. Many also get mad when Jews pray in Israel. The Wall in The Back of the Kotel It's another wall. Just in case. This separates the main prayer section from the open plaza area. It's there to keep the stalkers away. They call themselves tourists, with the cameras. They're a bunch of stalkers. The Wall on The Side Known as a Mechitzah, this is there to separate the men's and women's sections so you know where the ladies are. That's how I always understood it. The Mechitzah is greatly appreciated by the women. With men praying for wives, we don't want them sitting with women getting the wrong idea thinking girls like them. You will notice men sitting right next to the Mechitzah, they're peeking through the latticework. In Hebrew, the word is 'Klavim.' You will also notice women looking over the wall. It's obvious. When given the chance, women use Bar Mitzvahs as a chance to stand on chairs and check out the guys' side. They pretend like they're related to the Bar Mitzvah boy, stand on a chair and say it's because they want to hear the Bar Mitzvah boy reading the Torah. The Torah is not read in the afternoon. A bunch of peeping Taliahs. The Plaza Behind the Wall in the Back This is there for tour groups, army initiations, sleep on Shavuot, and a bunch of losers or singles to score a Friday night meal with Jeff Seidel. Tefillin Booth This is run by Chabad. Chabad likes booths. That is Hebrew he is speaking. The black-hatted man is letting them know, 'You can wrap the Tefillin, even if your parents denied you a Jewish education. Just believe in yourself, even if they didn't.' This is why the Tefillin guy is yelling at the young guys and chasing them down with black straps. You will notice religious people walking fast here. The religious people walk fast because they're trying to get by the Chabad Tefillin guy without him attacking them. They've already put on the Tefillin. The Guy Screaming at You He is not angry at you. He is inviting you to join him in prayer. He needs a Minyin/quorum. He is yelling at you for the sake of Gd. That is religious fervor coming out in the way of, 'Minyin!!! Minyin!!!' He is standing right next to us and he is screaming right at us. It appears he needs a Minyin. I don't believe he is leaving. I am going to pray. I prayed the afternoon prayer eight times the other day. You're only supposed to pray to Gd once in the afternoon. But I was more scared of the guy. Papers on the Floor Many people have a tradition of writing notes and then discarding them at the Kotel. Most people have a tradition of sticking the notes in the wall. Other people have a tradition of not cleaning up. The tradition began back in the days when most people did not have access to Israel. Recycling was not an option at the time, and littering was illegal. So people had their friends bring their papers to the Kotel. This gave a sense of connectedness, knowing that their clutter made its way to Israel. Right now, you can all stick notes in the Kotel. I suggest to not stick love notes in the wall. Last time I stuck in a love note at the Kotel I was hoping it would make it to the ladies' side of the Mechitzah. That didn't happen. Due to that experience with Shloimy, I am not going to be writing any more notes. Warning: Sticking notes in the wall can become addictive. I knew I had to stop bringing notes to the Kotel when I found myself caulking my bathtub with little bits of paper. Next time we will go for a more in-depth tour of the Kotel and and why the people walking backwards are not doing the moonwalk. We will also help you figure out what Minyin to join. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Beautiful Israel: An Ode to Food5/29/2024
If there is one thing Israel has, it's food. Kosher food. This is why I moved to Israel. For the holy food. It's not just food. It's a holy connection.
The best kosher food is in the Holy Land. It is so much better than the kosher food in Topeka. Oh. How I love thee. Kosher food that is not just pizza. Israelis love Tradition. 'The Taste of Yesteryear' is written on half of the falafel stands. For some reason, no matter what the spice of yesteryear they're using is, it’s cumin. Oh. How I love thee and thy food that never changeth. Before thee I never knew what yesteryear tasted like. Nor did I knoweth it was a word. Tradition is at thy heart as is thine taste of cumin. Jachnun, Malauach, Choolante. It is all for the taste of yesteryear. Whatever yesteryear tastes like, before Israel I was scared to eat it. Oh. How I love thee. Your connection to thine past is never forgotten. Even if thine food is not fresh. Oh. The oil in thou addeth to thine bread. Shoko BSakit. We have chocolate milk in a bag, so that when you think you finished it and think it’s done, it spills on you. Oh. How I love thee and thine care for the environment. Always reminding me that I need to put my shirt in the wash after I drink thee. We have coffee that doesn’t dissolve. It is a Turkish miracle. When I finish the coffee, there is more coffee inside the cup than when I started the coffee. The greater miracle is that Israelis invented the Turkish coffee. Oh. How I love thee. Thine coffee that shalt never cease. The whole food shopping experience is holy. We can eat whatever we want in the supermarket. If you can knock back an avocado while in the vegetable section, you don't have to pay. As long as it's in the Super, they don't charge for it. In America, they have tasting stations. You can’t choose what you want to taste. You take something and they make you feel uncomfortable for opening the pack of chips and not buying it. Not very welcoming to have a guy rationing one chip at a time in a cupcake holder. In Israel, we take it and don’t ask, and it is fine. As long as you eat it in the supermarket, it’s free. It's like being at mom and dad's house. Oh. How I love thee. Thy budget shopping hast never been better. How you care for thine people and have provideth a spit cup for the olives I eat by thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to taketh the shopping cart home. It is quite useful. We can go to any falafel stand and eat for free. If you bring your own pita, the salads and dips on the side are free. Load it up. The key is to only eat the top layer of Salatim without hitting the pita. This allows for greater pickled vegetable allotment. Oh. How I love thee and all thine Salatim on the side of thine falafel stand that I don't have to pay for. You have helped me many times when business was down. I pray thou forgiveth me for taking the Salatim cart. I was not aware that metal cart must stay. We can take anything out of the hotel dining room. Nobody asks any questions. They have accepted our ability to find ways to take a rugulach tray out of the dining room with no shame. I was at the Dead Sea for breakfast and people were filling up shopping carts, taking it to their room for lunch. Oh. How I love thee and not having to feel shame smuggling food out of thine buffet. I feel a connection to my brethren when I do so. The Mangal. In American barbecues are huge. In Israel, the barbecue is intimate. A square made to fit six wings if you place them correctly, angled inside one another. Oh. How I love thee. I will forever maketh my barbecues in tiny tin tray size form. And thine kindness shown when you wave to thou Mangal with your Nifnoofer. Oh. Thine tradition of celebrating every holiday with thine Mangal. As barbecues are an Israeli tradition. Meurav Yerishalmi. The special food of Jerusalem. In Tel Aviv, they throw their trash in the garbage. In Jerusalem, we eat it. We're religious and we don't throw out food. Baal Tashchis. Kidneys, intestines, eyebrows. We make a dish of it and eat it along with the taste of Yesteryear. Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to cook whatever cometh thine way, as thou believeth in H'. I have put on a lot of holy weight since moving to thee. Oh. How I love thee and all the food you take credit for, especially pizza. I how I will never forget thine Turkish Coffee thou hast created. And thine tradition of celebrating Independence Day with a barbecue. Oh. How I love thee and thine traditions. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As we continue to modernize our Holy City and Land I find it important to address this bill I have set forth in honor of Yom Yerushalayim. A bill that will make Olim happy living in Yerushalayim this Jerusalem Day.
BILL 3 – No Eekooling Act Government agencies cannot access or close ones bank account without them knowing. Government agencies have to take me to court before screwing me over. Problem a) I woke up that day and looked at my phone. Killed my day, and then the next two months. b) They shut down your bank account before you get the bill. Known as an Eekool, it's a preemptive strike against your being able to pay the bill you don't know you have. They know you will not pay it, since it is not yours to pay, so they want to ensure that. c) They shut down my bank account because I was not paying property tax on an apartment that I was not living in. An apartment other people were renting from somebody else. It took me a while to understand that my living there before them is my fault and I should've gotten taxed for that. But they did explain it to me. d) If they shut down my bank account, how am I supposed to pay?! I believe that's an obvious question. I asked. Nobody had an answer. I believe they repeated 'Eekool' thirty times. The more you repeat something, the more it is understood. I believe that's the case. I accepted it was my fault for paying Arnona (property tax) on that apartment when I lived there, and ever letting the city know I lived there. In life you make dumb decisions sometimes. e) I lost my electricity. My credit card stopped working. The next two months were spent trying to convince everybody I ever met that I am not an idiot. f) I had no access to money. My friends didn't want to pay for Tzvi's Arnona, as they have never met him. Neither have I. My friends also didn't wanted to pay for my electricity which Chevrat Chasmal was looking for. Chevrat Chasmal was angry they couldn't get money out of my bank account. I had to explain 'Eekool' to them a good thirty times. g) Guy got rid of the Eekool for me because he was having a decent day. Laws should not depend on somebody finding a decent deal on a 56-roll package of toilet paper (carrying the 56-roll package brings joy- known as a Metizah for the family and the extended Mishpuchi). My bank account should not be affected by a guy who got lucky and made it to the Doar post office when they were open (not easy to achieve as hours to change daily - an achievement that will make anyone happy). h) This is the number one reason for Yeridah. People leave Israel once they realize they have no access to their bank account. Eekooled is a verb, meaning ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.' Alternative translation: 'You are going to get kicked out of your apartment because we screwed you over and we don't have to explain why.' i) Government. I believe this is the issue. Government making decisions. The government is not very good with money. The way they like to spend, they should not have unrestricted access to my bank account. With the 2,500nis I have saved in there, they might splurge on another park in the middle of a traffic circle. j) That truly ruined my day. Eekools can do that. Solution a) Assume the government is wrong. Assume the Iriyah (municipality), Mas Hachnasa and the new tax agency they are going to create with no laws to screw me over, are wrong. Assume that David doesn’t live in three different homes in Jerusalem. Assume that David cannot afford more than one apartment on a new Oleh salary of 4,000nis a month. Assume that the people that are living in the apartment, on the lease, are the ones living there. And maybe they didn’t think it was worth it to come to your office to tell you. If they told you, they would've had to pay property taxes on their apartment. Assume they would rather David pay their taxes for them. Assume that when they changed their address and said they were living there to everybody in the country, they were living there. Assume the people living in the apartment will not complain about the Eekool on David's account. b) Court. Use the system. There are courts in Israel. I know. I once put a flyer on a bus stop. I was taken in for flyering in the first degree. I got caught. I had tape. They took me in. Rightfully. c) Let me know before you shut my bank account, so that it doesn’t take me a half a year before I can use a cellphone again. This way, you might receive the money. d) When judging in court for a city fine, the person who gave the fine, lawyers and the judge, cannot all be getting paid by the city. Everybody involved in the Eekool was on the city payroll. If that is the case, I am hosting an appeal in my apartment, with my friends. That should allow for fair judgment. e) If you are a company that sees your customer is Eekooled, contact them before shutting off their service. You have been living in Israel, you have been screwed over. When you see their phone has been cut off... I'm at a loss right now. f) Laws. Work with laws! g) No fining people once you shut down their bank account. If they don't have a bank account, and they need a bank account to pay you, I am assuming they can't pay you. This one is an assumption, and I am probably wrong. h) If you don’t want to do it for the whole country, allow Olim who come from countries where there are laws to have due process before screwing them over. It is hard for Olim from America to understand Eastern European laws from 1894. i) Laws are not allowed to be based on if the guy at the municipality was able to pick up his registered mail that morning. Backup To Solution If the laws don't change, as closing people's bank accounts is fun and gives an activity to government staff, make it more understandable. Use a word people know, so that they can figure out what the bank is talking about when it tells them their bank account belongs to some Member of Knesset. Some MK who had to come into work that morning. Something that makes people not happy. Change the name from Eekool to ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.’ I hope this was educational as well. And I do look forward to meeting you upon your Aliyah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny. He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line. The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt. On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai) You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah. Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin) You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah. We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal) You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier. The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am). The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be.. We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members. We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie.... It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die... 'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do. There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim... Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos... It's about being holy. Kadosh. Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere. Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.' Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’ Be Kadosh. How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week... H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel. Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy... There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while. Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs... Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation. Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years... Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn. Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards. Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child. You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China. Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit. We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice... He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you... Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you. And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are... Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.' Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up... Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish. I have no appreciation for the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments. He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people. The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are. I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews. I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me. They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it. They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason. The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house. The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag. It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon. I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents. It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’ Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph. For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe. The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIII5/11/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)... I do believe that the stuff in that kid's hair is not Kosher for Pesach.
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Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.
Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep. When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment. Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy. Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well. Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government. The sports fans in the Holy Land are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game. Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package. Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah. I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road. Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life. The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins. Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos. People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness. Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth. You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays. Oh. How I love thee. And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking. Oh. To thee. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
![]() David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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