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Dear Lone Soldier...
This is our war. Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for running away from your parents. I get it. I see them in shul. They're annoying. You are Nachis to so many people. And to your parents as well. Even though you left them. As I bring you this ode from a man who didn't serve in Tzahal, let us focus on the Nachis you bring. Lone soldiers, you bring such Nachis to your parents. American parents Nachiskate how their children are in the IDF. The only Nachis my parents got when I moved to Israel was telling people, 'Our son made Aliyah and he asks us for money. That's our kid. He lives in an apartment in Jerusalem we paid for.' You did it of your own volition. You didn't have the mandatory service requirement. You didn't have to become a citizen, but you did it. That word 'citizen' scares me. Anything with citizen in it, I run. I don’t want to pay more taxes. I've suffered enough for the Jewish people. I have been asked to join shul committees. And I am sure your parents have been on the committees. These young people who move to Israel and join the army, they see a future of good for the Jewish people. They see hope. They never served on a shul board. They never had to deal with a committee. They can make decisions and get stuff done. You are Nachis to so many board members who discuss if you should be recognized for your service in the shul bulletin. Board members who have to decide if they should honor you or a local community member who bought Israel Bonds and knows people who will donate in their name. Board members that decided you shouldn't be honored. A board that decided you won't bring in enough money. You chose to serve your people. When all other kids your age in America are at college drinking as much as they can, you decided to serve in the Israeli army drinking as much as you can. You are Nachis to so many soldiers in our IDF that smoke too. You are brave. The extent that you were willing to go to not have to see your parents, it's commendable. In my parents' generation, kids used to run away to join the circus. You joined the army. You ran off to defend our people. I tried running away at 19, but then I saw a bus coming. I was not ready for public transportation. I ran back home. My parents were able to drive me places. I was not raised with public transit abilities. The prospect of having to hold onto a railing while in motion was not for me. My middle class Jewish upbringing did not make for me interacting with strangers during travel. You are Nachis to your parents who are proud of their child who is not afraid to use Egged. You don't even speak Hebrew. You joined an army where you don't know the language. Your Jewish Day School experience didn't set you up for this. When they taught you Hebrew, they thought you might end up needing to interact with Jews in South America. They didn't think Tzahal. You are Nachis and you don't even know what it means. You were adopted and you didn't tell your parents. That's a stinger. You were adopted by a family in Israel who gives you an eight-inch-wide bed for only seven hundred dollars a month, to use once every six Shabbats. And now you sleep head to toe with a kid you're not related to. You are Nachis to the people that adopted you for $700 a month. The way they sometimes kick the youngest out of the mattress of centimeter thickness for you to sleep on Shabbat once every month and a half shows pride. You left your family, and the army decided it was a good idea to constantly remind you that you're alone, a lone soldier. They thought a daily reminder about how you're missing your family would be a good help when thinking about your parents. You were brave enough to make friends when you were all alone. You were branded alone, and you still made friends. You sucked it up and made friends, as lonely as you are. You realized that there are thousands of other lone soldiers. And you became lonely together. Now you're with thousands of people and still lonely. A lone soldier. All alone. You even made Israeli friends, and you can now drink and sing karaoke in Hebrew. And you still have no idea what is going on. Maybe we should change it to soldiers with friends. That sounds less depressing. I made Aliyah and I was alone. I didn't do the army. I was a lone citizen. I was just called an Oleh. It should be lone Oleh and popular soldier with friends. You are Nachis to all the people who love you, even though you are alone. A lone person with friends. The Mitzvahs you do are amazing. Saving lives is a such a Mitzvah. And then honoring your parents by allowing them to Nachiskate at Kiddish about how their child is saving the Jewish people in secret ops. Personally, I wouldn't lie to my parents. I would've told my parents I was cooking Mana Chama on guard duty. But you make them proud, and you speak a better Hebrew than anybody else that came out of Torah Academy Day School. You are Nachis to your parents who still won't move to Israel. You love Mana Chama. And Mana Chama loves you. You are Nachis to chicken flavored noodles. I am not that brave. But I can thank you. Thank you. Todah Rabbah, if you know what that means. Postscript: This Ode is self-serving. I need it. I need it because I feel guilty. And the best way to deal with guilt is to throw it on others. In my heart, I am with you, but we all know what that means. It means I am not there. It means I am relaxing in America right now and going out for ice cream later. Good, fatty American ice cream. I am not on the front lines with our brothers and sisters in this constant battle for Shalom and good in our world. You are alone, lone and a loser, and we appreciate all you do for our people. As long as you remember that you're alone. 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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXX2/14/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.
‘Encyclopedia.’ That doesn’t seem like a fun game... No. Learning can’t be fun. There’s a reason Encyclopedias don’t make boardgames. I’m starting to think these Israeli boardgames are tricky ways to get Frum kids to study. With games like ‘Torah and Commentary’ no wonder some kids don’t have decent aerobic conditioning... And that kid sitting on the top of a world of Trivia Pursuit cards looks off. No child enjoys reading that much.
The card game of Mitzvot between man and man. My friend didn’t let me win the game. Which is why he lost. He treated me wrong. That’s the tricky part of the game. You win when you lose... I question if teaching kids card games is a good way teach how to not take advantage of other people. I don't think charging five dollars for a deck of cards helps either.
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My friend donated to FIDF. He must be very mad at the Israeli army. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? FIDF is Friends of the IDF. I mistook that for F-IDF. FIDF supports the Israeli defense forces. If he‘d have said he was giving money to F the IDF, that‘d be different. They said I have to do Kiddish BMakom Seudah. But I wanted the meal too. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? That means to make Kiddish in the place you are eating the meal. BMakom means 'in the place of.' I thought they meant to make Kiddish instead of the Seudah. Nothing like a bilingual pun. Midrash teaches Paroh was short. But how do we know he was 12 inches tall? He was the ruler of Mitzrayim. (Mordechai) You get it? A ruler. 12 inch measuring stick. Ruler. Paroh was a ruler. The ruler pun is a classic. It is so versatile. Always tickles the funny. The IDF wanted reserves, but they got puffed pastries. They asked for Miliumniks. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Milui means fill. Miluimnikim sounds like puffed hors d'oeuvres (Mimulaim). It almost sounds like Mimulaim. Enough so. I am sure somebody thinks they sound a bit the same. There must be somebody. Nobody would be fighting if pigs in blankets were being served. Sometimes, a good pun is there to teach you another language. This pun should be required reading in Ulpan. The eighth plague was the least expensive one. It was locust. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? If someone with poor speech patterns says it, this pun works. Say locust very slow with improper speech and it sounds like ‘low cost.‘ Though, emphasis has to be on 'cust.' It's not LOcust but loCOst. That's how you have to say it. We will be putting out guides on how to pronounce puns correctly. He was sitting at the Seder on Tu Bshvat alone. Sarah, said he should have a date. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A date is a fruit. It’s also a date, like going out with somebody. Everybody does this pun. It’s tradition. We’ll do the date puns too. Just wait till Rosh Hashana. We'll use them then too. Even if it means having to add another Siman that has nothing to offer in Hebrew, we will do it for the sake of the pun. We are committed to Mitzvahs. Jews said the new statue at the stadium was forbidden, as it was standing idle. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Idol and idle. Idols stand idle. They don‘t move. They‘re also forbidden. As we learn in the Parsha, there's only one Gd. Gd doesn't stand idle. In order to understand this pun, you must know Jewish philosophy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people.
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. It is the Israeli Defense Forces You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt. I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.' I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours. I Studied Social Work My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem. Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts. I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble. I Get Scared When Israelis Talk The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs. I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with. My Hebrew is Bad Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty. Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts. I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself. Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift. I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on. Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target. I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal. Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally. Till then, Israel is a safer place. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIX1/16/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.
The no talking in shul bookmark. The most passive aggressive gift to give during Davening. I could’ve just smacked him. Instead, I reminded him that he was poor, single and sick because he was talking in shul. And all I needed to tell him that was a bookmark about being a good Jew... I walked over and kindly gave it to the guy during Chazaras HaShas. He then started a conversation with me, asking, ‘Why are you giving me a bookmark for my Siddur. Siddurs don’t need bookmarks'... To Note: This is the most useful item for people who talk in shul. It’s not always easy to find where the congregation is at, after a conversation during Shacharit.
'Let’s Dress Yoni.' How about we do that?! Why is Yoni never dressed? Is this a game or just not proper, immodest dress?... I think his parents are manipulating him. The sequel is called Let’s Tie Yoni’s shoes. The series continues with Let’s See Yoni Eat His Chicken and Let’s See Yoni Eat Vegetables Before He Gets Dessert. And the last in the series, Let’s See Yoni Pray the Shema and Go To Sleep While Not Disturbing His Parents.
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People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you. Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me. I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back. Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway. I am Out of Shape After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz. If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. I Would Look Like a Reservist I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more. When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance. Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with. Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic. Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander. I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat. Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments I am old. All I do is express my political opinions. I am American Born of Very European White Tint Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine. I am American You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started. I Don’t Smoke The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running. Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign. I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause. There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures. Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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2023 Jewish Year in Review12/29/2023
In 2022 antisemitism rose and 2023 was even better.
In preparation of October 7th January sported terror attacks, and protests for Intifada are heard on college campuses. Intifada means kill people or we love peace, depending on who your news sources are. In February, Israeli rescue workers are the first to volunteer to go to Turkey to aid with the devastation caused by the earthquake that took thousands of lives. News sources call the earthquake an Israeli Intifada. Something about Bibi and the Israeli Supreme Court. Protests start. To quote one Israeli, 'Why should we have to miss out on hating Jews. We're people too.' Leopoldstadt and Parade, two plays about antisemitism, win six Tonys. People love antisemitism. If it wasn't for people killing Jews, there would be no decent entertainment. Many communities who have lost their Jewish population in Europe and the Middle East have been trying to figure out what to do for entertainment. It has been hard to find something since there are no local Jews to beat on. Now, they finally have a musical to see. Parade in its portrayal of the 1915 lynching of Leo Frank receives protests from Neo Nazis. To quote, 'It wasn't anti-Semitic enough. The music could've been more upbeat.' Fake bomb threats reign down on Jewish organizations. The Iron Dome does not work against these. Christie's auction house auctions off Nazi's jewelry collection. Surprised this bothers Jews. Another Nazi quote from this year: 'How are we supposed to make money?!' Israel kicks off seventy-fifth year celebrations with cheers of, 'We hate Bibi.' Jewish summer camps are even more expensive. Israel and Saudi Arabia move ahead on Abraham Accord Peace Treaty. The world worries peace is a bad thing. Lithuania restores Jewish synagogues. To quote: 'The new tinge of pastel colors on the facade will bring Jews back.' Israelis are now allowed to visit America without a visa. Now Israelis are the only ones who can't get through the southern US boarder without an ID. The movie Golda is released. Complaints of not enough Jewish devastation are heard around the world. Still fights over the Israeli Supreme Court. Jews hate Jews even more. Everybody blames Charedim. October 7th massacre, and cheers are heard throughout the Arab towns of Judea and Samaria and England. We are all in a state of living through mourning. And now Jews like Jews again. Turkey thanks the Jewish United Hatzalah workers who came to help them in their times of crisis, so that they can express their hatred of Israel and Jews in health. College students around the globe can finally voice their hatred of Jews in a safe space. Rally of Israel support in Washington DC brings 300,000 or 5,000 people, depending on who your news sources are. Jews pray for peace and mourn the death of innocent lives, or they pray for death to everybody, depending on who your news sources are. American politicians proclaim their support for Israel and vote later that day to not send Israel anything. 'Humanitarian' is a new English word, meaning 'we hate Jews.' Ivy Leagues are now focusing on courses that teach English as a first language, so that students and faculty can learn words like 'context.' They have also created a new course on Middle Eastern Relationships. Classes will focus on correct phraseology, such as 'humanitarian,' 'disproportionate' and other words that mean 'we hate Jews.' IDF takes out eight and half million Gazan residents, as reported by Hamas and the UN. Twelve million of them are babies. Dave Chappelle still hates Jews. Tucker Carlson asks, 'Why not?' Elon Musk visits Israel to try to figure out how a Ford Fiesta can cost more than a Tesla. It turns out people still hate Jews. Jews are shocked by this. Sports At least in sports, when people attack Jews, it's not because they hate us. At least most of the time. Jacob Steinmetz is orthodox and he plays baseball. That's exciting. An orthodox Jew doing anything other than learning, it excites us. Finally, people are starting to believe that Torah doesn't kill athletic abilities or personality. To quote one Rosh Yeshiva: 'There is something to shuckling.' Israel even had a team that competed in the World Baseball Classic. And they won a game. Champions. To us Jews, winning a game is the definition of a champion. Our mothers told us so. A Jew even makes the NHL. He is a champion. Hasn't played yet, but he's a champion. His mother is very proud. The basketball star Domantas Sabonis is converting to Judaism. After he retires, he wants to own a team someday. [Tzachi, who reported this, hopes his report doesn't lead to more antisemitism. Tzachi wants to let everybody know that he loves his Jewish people and their money.] Domantas even has Shabbat meals and posts them on social media, so that Deni Avdija can see what Shabbat looks like. Israel takes third place in the FIFA under 20 World Cup. Meaning that little kids in Israel are getting better at soccer. Translation: Israel won the World Cup. We are the greatest in the world. Israel takes gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. The only kind of gymnastics that doesn't take athleticism And the seventeen year olds took the European Flag Football Championship. This being after they had to forfeit Shabbat games. Now Jews have mastered flag football and floor hockey. Any sport that involves something that is not natural to the sport, such as a flag you have to pull or now ice skates, we are the best at. Jews are now looking to conquer the world in sports such as sponge bat baseball and crab soccer. We have already mastered paper football. And Vikings kicker, Greg Joseph, wears cleats with Am Yisrael Chai on them. But not during a game. That was news. Somehow not wearing cleats that support Israel in support of Israel is news. We’re just exciting the guy is in the NFL and he’s Jewish. That’s news every day. We were even excited when Julian Edelman was kind of Jewish. And some Jewish guy got benched for being Jewish. We cannot confirm this story, but we're sure some college athlete should've got more playing time. His mother will tell you. A Jewish mother will let you know, it's because of the antisemitism in sports. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The rally in Washington last month was an amazing experience and show of unity. Looking back at some of the pictures from the rally, I was reminded of the signs of support.
It’s rare that we get a chance to unify as Jewish people in support of our nation. This was the time. Those who didn't show up should feel bad. Especially those people from Detroit who got stuck in the airport, due to bus drivers refusing to take them to the pro-Israel rally. When you go to a rally, you bring signs. And when there is unity, you make signs. Hopefully with glitter. Glitter makes signs more exciting, and it brings bedazzled people together. Here are some of the sings I saw: Defeat Terror It's good to know these people were not pro-terror. I didn't see a sign saying 'Terror. We Support You.' I don't believe anybody was holding up a 'Terror. We miss you.' This wasn't a pro-Palestinian rally in England or Australia. No Ivy League was willing to host the event. Pro Peace. Anti Hamas. Pro Israel. Anti Bibi! If I was them, I would've just had a sign, 'I hate Bibi.' That would've made the point stronger. Truth is, I think they were yelling, 'I hate Bibi.' That should've probably been the sign. Not everybody has time to make signs for everything they want to say. Is Bibi part of Hamas? I am trying to figure out what the sign is truly trying to convey. America Stands with Israel That's good to know. That made me happy to see. At least one Jewish American stands with our people in Israel. Come to think of it. I think it was an Israeli holding that sign. Wishful thinking. Cleveland Stands with Israel There was a lot of standing. At a rally, you want to stand. All the people with signs were standing with something. I saw one or two people sitting. They weren't holding signs. I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a clean toilet anywhere in Washington DC?! That wasn't a sign. That was me yelling. I needed anything other than a porta-potty. They're disgusting. I should be complaining to the organizers. If you're going to run a rally properly, you should have built in bathrooms. You budget. Thank You Israel for Fighting Terror That was held up by a group of people that insisted they were not willing to help. Somebody held up that sign on a college campus and was attacked. No Israelis were around. Free Hostages. Support Israel. Combat Terror! I think he got in the important points, while repurposing the word 'free.' I hope they don't get sued by the Palestinians. I had to stop a guy who got angry when he saw the word 'free.' He came at them yelling, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' I pulled that guy aside and told him he was too loud, and he should've made a sign saying, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' The only thing they left out of that sign is how much they hate Bibi. Let Israel Finish the Job Some people get in the way of hard-working people. That is just plain rude. From the River to the Sea, Israel Will always Be Free. Many Americans claimed this was a ploy to try to get better bargains in Israel. Very confusing. I think this one was pro-Israel as well. Cleveland. Stronger Than Hate . I couldn't tell you. I don't live there. I don't know how much people in Cleveland hate each other. America makes fun of Cleveland. We don't hate it. I can understand the insecurity. I am still worried it won't bring tourists to Ohio. There must've been a heart on that sign. I just wish it was bigger. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. I think Detroit is stronger than hate. Detroit is a very strong word. It sounds stronger than Cleveland. Signs I Would Have Liked to Have Seen Israel. What a Country. We love people. We even love Jews. I think this one would've caused a lot of controversy on college campuses. New York Loves Israel. I know people from New York were there. They just didn't let people know they love Israel. I'm worried people thought that all the New Yorkers at the pro-Israel rally were there to protest Israel. Maybe they assumed that the Yarmulke is like a pro-Israel sign. To me, if you're not holding it up, it's not a sign. One guy was wearing it. That wasn't a sign. That was an A-frame. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Everybody loves Cyndi Lauper. I figure. If they love Cyndi, they'll love Israel. Associative rallying. We could've also had sings up saying 'Ice cream is great. And So is Israel.' That would've drawn support for the homeland. Rochester New York Showed Up. Sometimes you just want to be noticed. Jews Make Better Hummus. Sometimes you have to hit back hard. And then there were signs for the hostages who were kidnapped, who we are still fighting to bring home. There were signs saying 'Bring Them Home,' as we chanted it together. One or two people had signs saying, 'Let My People Go.' Even though they got the rally confused with Pesach, as they saw a lot of Jews, they meant well. There's no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. It was heartwarming to see so many amazing signs of support at the rally. I personally didn't bring one. My arms get too tired to support Israel. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVIII12/9/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to support for Israel by wearing Tzizit or a flag, and the joy of lighting Chanukah candles within the reach of babies, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about chocolate covered coins that everybody else likes.
Wearing Israeli flags. Showing their support for Israel at the rally in DC. It would’ve been smarter if they brought coats. Based on my experience as a Zionist, flags don’t work as good windbreakers... Now looking at it. All the people with jackets don't truly care. The real supporters of Israel don't need coats.
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It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share. The 2am Trip The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep. I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses. I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. So Many People In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources. The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers. It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’ The Signs There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. People Wearing Israeli Flags People were wearing flags throughout the Mall. This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets. A Lot of People Taking Pictures Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist. Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X. I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture. Tons of New Yorkers Showed So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud. Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home' It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages. Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.' Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel I didn't expect that. I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally. One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel. I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much I was in the rally spirit. It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation. I clapped at times I want to take back right now: The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people. 'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do. 'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment. The Loud Speech Clap Ender They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding. Am Yisrael Chai I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah. That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping. It Was Very Peaceful There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America. I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me. And no counter-protesters got hurt. We Thanked the Security and the Police At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer. The Singers Were Amazing It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags. The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi. And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair. It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer. Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break. At that point, I really needed to go. It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York. Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping. 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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVII11/22/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the pain and Yachdut of last month, as David finds a way to make solidarity of the children of Israel with the soldiers something not positive, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for reminding us how much people hate us.
Cars everywhere. The reserves are called up, and the Israeli heroes show for duty. And they got parking tickets. Note: This last part is a joke. The police haven’t given out tickets to the reservists around the country. It’s not like they’re parking in Jerusalem. (sometimes you get into trouble when you don’t tell people that a joke is a joke- next time I'll give people advice on where to steal cars- I'll get into less trouble)
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Here are some brilliant Pallywood scenes. Before sharing some of the brilliantly written individual performances, I want to say that I do feel bad for all of those who have suffered staged death, and are not in the scene anymore. As seen in Days of Our Lives, it's hard for an actor to be out of work. My heartfelt condolences. [Please know that I truly do mourn for all of those who have suffered, and I do pray for all of the souls that have been taken from us in our Olam.]
Be them films from Syria, Egypt, Detroit, or some video from a family reunion repurposed to share death that didn't happen, they are brilliantly funny and I commend people for finding ways to blame Israel for these attacks on moving dead people. Here are some of the scenes I have seen of moving dead people. Thirsty Dead People One dead guy needed a drink. He flipped off his sheet, reaches for a Coke, thanks his friend and is still dead, while requesting shawarma for dinner. Jittery Dead Guy One dead guy who had to scratch himself. He had an itch. I'm watching this, asking, 'Did the dead guy just scratch himself and request a drink?! Brilliant!!!' Note: It's wrong to laugh at people who are dead with a parched throat and an itch they can't reach. Torture. Frightened Dead Guy Runs One guy was under a sheet, laying there, dead, and then he got frightened, threw off the sheet and took off. But he was dead. The people of Gaza reported it. The dead guy was running. I know it's wrong to mock dead people who have to flee. Something has to go terribly wrong for a dead guy to sprint. The extent of the Israeli evil, to even get a dead guy to run, one can only imagine. Miracles do happen. They were in the middle of the funeral, carrying the stretcher. They dropped the stretcher, and you see a dead guy jump up from under the sheet, and run. How? Miracles. He was frightened, and bam, he was out of there. And to think they were going to bury him in jeans and Nikes. A polo shirt. I believe that is wrong. Not a respectable way to bury someone. However, it is good he had on his sneakers, allowing him to take off. And now the dead guy is laid up in bed with a back sprain. One Should Not Argue with Staged Death It’s offensive, and you will be cancelled. The great thing about Pallywood is you have to know your audience. The Palestinians and BDS supporters are ensuring the college students are not offended. To support choice of those who have been staged dead, who have rights too, they have argued on their behalf, 'You are dead if you identify as dead. And to tell somebody that is drinking at a cafe that they are not dead is offensive. And wrong.' It's wrong to laugh at moving dead people. And Biden shouldn't be questioning the numbers of reported deaths. That running dead guy passed away six times last week. And then he had to have dinner with his family. Nobody should know of such things. At least the news syndicates have proper respect for these actors and their craft, and report them as part of the death toll. I believe the staged death toll is up to 400,000. They should live and be well. Next time we’ll discuss behind of the scenes of the brilliantly staged deaths, along with child actors of Pallywood. I’ve got to work on my acting skills, or I’ll never make it in Pallywood. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I went back to my alma mater and I found so many anti-Israel protest tables on the quad. I had to stick up for Israel and our people. I won't say the name of the alma mater, as it is an Ivy League, and the students are apparently very dumb. I am worried for the Jewish students on campus now. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.
I had to argue with somebody who was vehemently pro-Palestine, which they figured is located somewhere near Thailand. And the arguments got worse from there. Here are some of the arguments I had with these very well-educated people. It's Not Antisemitism Argument I told them that their anti-Israel sentiments were exactly antisemitism. And I asked, 'Why are there always attacks on Jewish communities in America or Europe when Arabs attack Jews in Israel?!' One student exclaimed, 'Israel is located in Europe. You fool.' I received a strong argument in return that it’s only anti-Israel, as a Jew right next to us with a Kippah was being chased by a Palestinian flag. I had to explain to one pro-Palestinian protester that 'Allah Akbar' does not mean 'kill Jews.' I was personally offended when one student said it means to not have control over your vehicle when you're driving it in a crowd. When I told them that the translation is 'Gd is greatest,' they explained to me how it's the same thing. Later that day, they were not cheering 'Allah Akbar' anymore. They were just chanting 'Kill the Jews.' I asked why they took out 'Allah Akbar.' They explained to me that they checked with some of their Muslim friends what Allah Akbar means and their Muslim friends said Jews have the same belief. They said, 'If that's the case. We hate Akbars.' I asked why these students for finger paint as a real art were so involved in this anti-Israel protest. They said, 'Because we are atheists, and we believe the Gd of the Muslims is the true Gd.' How finger painting turned into a college course, I have to ask the administration. I believe there was a protest and they gave in. One very bright Ivy League woman said they’re not anti-Semites. She was holding a banner that said, ‘All Jews should die.’ I asked how that’s not antisemitism. She said, ‘Jews should die. But I still love them.’ The What Hamas Really Wants Argument It's hard to make peace with people whose only stated goal is to kill you. I let the student know that this is their goal. One student looked at me blankly, ‘Then what is the problem?’ I told one liberal who was chanting 'give peace a chance,' that this isn't Vietnam. I told them that Hamas wants to destroy Israel and kill the Vietnamese. They said, 'Because the Vietnamese are Jews.' I showed them a video of Hamas leaders telling them to kill Jews. They kept on saying that is not what Hamas is about. They said they trust Hamas. I said, 'Then you should trust what they say.' They let me know that that sentiment is anti-Hamas 'which is very offensive, and I am hurt.' I was thus introduced to the logic of how Palestinians want peace with Israel when they say that Jews should die and that Israel should not exist. I showed them the Hamas charter which says to avoid any negotiations for peace and to destroy Israel or die through martyrdom. They said, 'You still have to negotiate.' I reiterated that they are against negotiation. They said, 'Then you should negotiate with them.' When I explained that negotiations by definition need the other people, they said, 'Stop lying.' Acts of Terror I was not dissuaded when the non-student, who was apparently a student, somehow, though they were not part of the university, argued that shooting from behind their children is to be commended. I asked for an explanation, and they told me that 'as long as Hamas does it, it’s OK.' It got out of hand when they argued, 'Using civilians to protect your fighters is a good idea. All is fair in love and war.' I exclaimed, 'But they are not fighting their own civilians.' To which they said, 'The Gazan civilians are Jewish.' I told them about the inhumanity of the human shield. They said, 'And warriors have always had shields.' I told them that they had shields made of metal, not babies. They said, 'You use what you have.' Follow-up Notes I have a hard time arguing with such hatred for the Olam, the world. There is no Emes in what these students that aren't students are arguing on behalf of their professors. I knew there was no coming back when the pro-choice girl said that rape is fine if it's part of your culture. Then they blamed the Gazan Jews for hitting the hospital with a rocket through the Jews of Islamic Jihad. I hope I am better equipped to go back and educate them next week. I have to work on my ability to convince them that Israel exists in Israel. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. And may we see the return of our people that have been kidnapped, as we pray for their health and immediate return. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities, and the heartfelt gratitude to our soldiers. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/14/2023
Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house. We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch. We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents. The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out. We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices. ‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey... Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board... We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light. People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening... We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad. Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls... When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet. (Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die... I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself. Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie. When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems. Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house… The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice. Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes... You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel… Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world. You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel… Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing. Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it. Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it. Rivka's Rundown The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world. In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise. The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’ We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions. That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity. It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them. Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel. The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks. The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation. Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel. And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs. The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned.
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry. The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do. Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important. Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel. Worry Worrying is very important. Worry About Any Noise All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us. We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash. The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house. Pray A Lot A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it. Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management. Look at Your Phone Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good. Share Videos of Love For Israel Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again. If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.' Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. Kindness The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on. The kindness is never ending. Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’ It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping. Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart. Share Stuff on Social Media Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping. What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ Send Go Fund Mes to Other People Without having donated yourself. Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff. Going Out Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing. I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort. Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch. All the stories are so touching. Baking For Soldiers Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers. Cook The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza. Drawing If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. Donating Blood You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more. Try to Volunteer Good luck. You're competing with too many people. Do Not Pay Anybody Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck. Ask People How They Are Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.' Tell People to 'Stay Safe' If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life. Respond Positively to All Questions To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.' Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK. Protest If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel. There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week. I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXV9/1/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.
The JNF Tzedakah box. One of Israel’s artifacts. The foundation of Israel fundraising. The Jewish National Fund as been doing it for well over fifty years. They were already finding ways to extort money from your child in the first grade then... This is why kids were asking parents for money in the 40s too. (photo: collection of Avraham Goren- in the Forward
What your kid bought at the canteen when the camp gave them a tab. They did give your child the salad bar option. Yet, your child chose this... How your child came back from sports camp fifteen pounds heavier... Why camp cost you an extra 2K. How you went broke, sending your kid away for three weeks… What allowing a nine-year-old to have a tab can do. (photo: Incase/Flickr)
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BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk. Act The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves. Problem a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle. b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go. The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves. d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim. e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest. g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’ h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then. i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality. j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids. Solution a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic. b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic. d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech. e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic. g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other. h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day.
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people. Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester. Eat Fast Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast. The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster. Don't Talk I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is. Use Two Plates Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables. All Courses Are Meat Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat. Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat. Bring Dessert for the Table I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique. You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it. Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food. Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well. There Are Other People They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this. Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that. Take Food with You You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child. For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now. Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXI4/23/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.
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Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel. Never Purchase Falafel Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me. Stick to Pita I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel. Do Not Ask for Falafel They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns. If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out. And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita. Purchase Half a Pita If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day. Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well. You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it. The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick. Stand By the Salads- The Salatim First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money. Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability. Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living. Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XIX2/19/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Zoom meetings with people wearing masks, Turkish coffee and pantries on front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at people trying to feed the poor.
Tiny. That’s the new American food pantry. The pantry on the front lawn with a can. That's what the poor people get now. If they’re lucky, they can find a can of peas and carrots to feed the family for dinner… Nobody likes peas carrots. Why they bought it, I don’t know. People like peas. People like carrots Now poor people are stuck spending their day splitting up peas and carrots… I was disappointed. I thought I was going to take out a book. Maybe read some Dr. Seuss. I end up with peas and carrots. I’m mad. I wanted green eggs and ham (kosher ham). Now I’m stuck reading a label. There are no books about green peas and carrots I am I am. Because nobody likes them. They don't identify with them… This pantry has salt. Salt?! Reading 'give what you can,' it appears people were able to part with salt and paprika to help feed the poor families. Now the poor people are malnourished, with parched throats... I am very bothered by charity right now.
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Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'
Diaspora Happened Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land. Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement. What's A Date Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town. Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then. It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way." As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell). Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts. Apricots Become Popular in Europe Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat. In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive. Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying). Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.' But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees. And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts. They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2. The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous. There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.' Other Notes on the Holiday Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew. Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel. Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach. Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat. It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album: XVIII1/28/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.
Saving up for Shabbis... When you have a lot of kids you buy the store brand. When you have twelve kids, you buy Great Value. Why the brand name is the advertisement for the sale is hard to explain... Walmart may be too embarrassed to put their name on it, but we are proud of the huge family. Truth be told, I saw the ‘Great Value’ and I didn’t even need a brand. If they had a brand 80% Off, all my clothes would be 80% Off. And that would be the style the kids wore to school. 80% Off written right on the shirt pocket... They may be embarrassed to put their name on it, but I am not embarrassed to eat it. And I also bought the Equate toothpaste. So much cheaper than Sensodyne, even if it doesn't clean teeth. I take pride in Walmart. It's my supermarket. I would find it a waste if I couldn't pick up my groceries and fish tackle. And I take greater pride in my FUBU sneakers I picked up as I finished shopping for the cottage cheese. I feel like I am making the world a better place with those shoes. If I didn't buy those kicks there would be third graders in Asia without jobs. It's my way of giving back... And yes, that's a Walmart still life.
Perfect bus seat technique. That's how you keep others away, and enjoy the comfort of Egged... He has his bag under his arm, working as an armrest and person. Headphones to not hear 'I need a seat.' He is looking straight, avoiding all eye contact... allowing him to read the sign in front of him that says 'stand before old people'... Between us. I never understood why the second seat is not just a bag holder.
Skewers are dangerous, and should not be handled by children without parental supervision. Kids should eat schnitzel only... Even if skewers are called Shipuds in Israel, to make them sound more friendly, they are still dangerous. And with the volatile situation in Israel, people should be IDed before they're allowed a Shipud.
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My first time I went out in Israel it was for a drink. Me and a bunch of guys from the Yeshiva went out for a Lchaim. It was a Thursday night and we went for a beer. In Israel, Thursday nights are like Saturday nights, and I like that. It's better to bring a hangover to shul than work.
That first night out might have been a spiritual experience. I don't remember what happened. Though, it was Israel, so it was a holy night out drinking at the bars. I was new to the Yeshiva experience and I was good at it. Once the High Holidays came, the spiritual experience of partying in Israel changed. Thursday night after Rosh Hashana, my friend Yanky said, 'Let's go out tonight.' So, I went. You don't argue with Yanky, unless if you want a heated debate. He was a second year guy in the Yeshiva and he already learned how to scream at people when learning Gemara. Yanky was masterful at yelling at his Chavrusa, learning partner, which meant he knew what he was talking about. The more you reproach your Chavrusa, the better learner you are. Being a Chavrusa to Yanky was an honor that very few had. He was the perfect Chavrusa for learning Gemara Baba Kama. No other Chavrusa had the ability to make you feel like you were being scolded and abused while learning the laws of damages. We went up north. I thought we were going out. I didn't realize that meant a two hour drive. Going up north in Israel is a spiritual experience, as roads are windy and not lit, and you're dependent on Gd to not get hit by the falling rock. There was a sign that read 'Falling Rock,' which kind of scared me, as that meant rocks were falling right now. Adding to the spirituality of Israel, I said my first prayer at that moment. Not fully understanding the excitement of going up north, we ended up at the Rambam's grave-site, and Yanky started to scare me. I thought we were going out to party, and we were now at the graves of Tzadikim (righteous people). I had no idea what to think. I thought I might've joined a Yeshiva full of hedonists, who have some kind of grave-site rituals. Maybe it was part of the Yeshiva hazing process, where they tell you about righteous rabbis and then leave you in the graveyard to get eaten by ghosts. I was scared. And then the good times started to role. After the Rambam's Kever, we hit the graves of a few more rabbi's and even a prophet are two. We prayed. We had rugalach. We drank schnapps. And since then, going out has never been the same. The coolest thing of all. We prayed. We drank and prayed. And I got back to Yeshiva alive. And I was scared to talk to Yanky for a month and a half after that. Since that night out with Yanky, my life has changed. Now I know what going out means in the Frum world. Follow Up Notes It's a new form of partying I've taken on. That's how us religious people do it. What am I doing later tonight? I'm going up north and hitting some Kevers. It's just good times. The rabbis who have passed, Z"L, are what makes for the Thursday night experience. Last time we hit the Kever of the Rambam. Then we popped over to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. We even headed to Yonatan Ben Uziel. On the way back we stopped off at Rabbi Meir Bal HaNes. We got back to Jerusalem right when the bars were closing. Amazing. And we got free rugalach. Rugalach is the backbone of all Jewish events in Israel. And when its free, it's a real Simcha. Now I get excited to see dead people and take down a few. And I understand why Yahrzeit candles come in shot glasses. Can't wait to hit the Ari's Kever this Thursday night. It's going to be dope. Hit the grave and then go for a dunk in the cold bath. The Frum people call it a Mikvah. I used to do baseball tours. I now see there are Gedolim (important rabbis) that are buried all over the world. I'm going to definitely do a Kever tour of Europe. I think I'll enjoy seeing the graves more than the anti-Semites. How do I know who the more important rebbes are? I judge by the size of the hole by their grave. The bigger the rebbe the bigger the pit at his Kever. This allows for more notes to be tossed in. Though, older rabbis and righteous ancestors don't have note pits. In the 1200s, people didn't walk around with pens and Post-its. There are also more candles at holy Kevers of ancient rabbis. Tea lights also represent the holiness of our sages. The more tea lights the holier the sage. I'm still trying to figure out who the better rabbis are. It's very confusing. The Rambam's Kever doesn't have a tea light focus. Due to that, the Rambam's Kever is not a top party destination. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford. •Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe. ART & ENTERTAINMENT •A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah. •The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce. Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett. •The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist. JEWISH •Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. •Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach. •The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike. ISRAEL POLITICS •Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism. •Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons. ISRAEL INNOVATION •Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had. And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice). Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules. ANTISEMITISM Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around. •Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.' Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning. SPORTS •No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports. Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.' •Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Frum tourist. That’s the look... baseball hat, shorts and Tzitzis out. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt and a baseball hat.
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March 2024
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2/22/2024
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