Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
 
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review.

To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time.
Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening.
 
Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea.

Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. 
 
Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist.
It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that.
 
We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks.
 
Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven.
 
Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. 
So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community.
During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam.
For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes.
 
JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible.
 
My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete.

Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea.
 
Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team.
Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence.
The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain."
Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. 
If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe.

On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that.
That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain.
That was almost positive.

"I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens.
 
Something positive happened. It will come to me.
 
It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew.
 
Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos.
Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too.
 
Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters.
Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains.
Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel.

The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel.
 
Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar.
Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you.

The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime.

Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long.
(I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.)
 
Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too.
 
That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out.

Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives.

I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

People are worried. They have no idea what they can say to my Jewish friends. I will tell you, I've never said anything that has not bothered my brethren.
Here are things you shouldn’t say to your Jewish friends who love their people, especially now. Something I've learned from experience.

"I heard this on the BBC."
Anything on from the BBC. You want to bother your Jewish brothers and sisters, repeat anything you heard on the BBC. Anything within the last hundred or so years.
You can also mention CNN, MSNBC or anybody reporting the news that is not JNS.

"The British Parliament voted for..."
Quote the British Prime Minister. Anything he says. There's something about that accent that yells, "I hate Jews."
With that in mind, bring up JD Vance. Since his trip to Israel there's not one Jew that likes that guy. He’s the one unifying factor among the right and left-wing Jews.
Better yet, quote anybody. Something anti-Semitic will come out.
Even better. Say you support UNRWA.
Wait. Even better. Quote any guest that Piers Morgan brought on to argue with Douglas Murray.

"I don't think it's important to be in Israel. Their problems are their problems."
That sounds like an American Jew who supports Israel.

"I got a good deal on a flight to Israel."
Everybody will hate you.

"I got a good deal on Jewish day school."
They will hate you even more.

"I got a good deal on brisket."
They will hate you. And then ask you how that happened.

"I voted for Mamdani."
I don’t believe your Jewish brothers and sisters will appreciate you for trying to save on rent. I see how savings fits our cause as a people. I don't see how that helps Israel, yet.

"I got a raise."
Nobody wants to hear that right now. Especially when they just lost their job due to rent stabilization.

"Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson."
Just those names. I got a twitch just hearing that. Take a moment. Listen to that again. "Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens." I just got a crick in my neck.
Those two. It's now tradition to spit when hear their name. And then to throw in a Yiddish curse. Which helps bring up more phlegm.
And then say, "It is true. Because Candace said it." Oh. That will really piss them off.

"You're invited to my son's Bar Mitzvah."
Oh shoot. That's going to kill the weekend.

"I'm getting honored."
Oh shoot. I already made plans. Wish you would've told me earlier. “I didn’t tell you when I was getting honored.” I have plans for that day.

"Since October Seventh the number of Jews keeping Shabbis and putting on Tefillin..."
Maybe it's me. I don't want to hear anything positive about October Seventh. I am a fan of mourning. I like keeping things negative and me out of trouble.
These people seem so happy. Nothing fazes them. Like the war is the greatest Jewish outreach program ever created. "All these Jews are now saying Shema every day. And the religious unity. The amount of Kiruv Rechokim. B"H for Gaza."
They go off on how everybody came together. That was until they found out the Charedim, ultra-orthodox, aren't doing the army. That was a shocker. It was a surprise because they saw the Charedim putting on Tefillin, and yet they hadn't been to Gaza.
They finally found a way to unite Jews. Thanks to Hamas. As if up to this point, antisemitism hasn't done its job of bringing Jews together. But thank Gd for suffering. The more we suffer, the more we see people putting on Tzitzit and Tefillin.

"It happened because Jews were fighting and sinning."
Anything about October Seventh bothers me. I believe in the Torah and how Gd controls the world. Just don't tell me about it.
Everybody is thinking it, waiting for you to flinch and say it. Don't. I'm waiting for one of those rabbis to come out and say it's because of the sinners, so that he can establish himself as a legitimate Kabbalist.
Any thoughts on hostages, that will anger people. We want them good and safe, and their families well. That should be all you're allowed to say. That should be a law: No sharing your thoughts. That would truly bring about Jewish unity. War is not necessary. Just no sharing what you think. Only share thoughts on Bibi. That's it.
If Jews didn't share their opinions we would have Shalom. If I never knew what Menachem was thinking, I might like the guy.

"My parents are coming to visit."
​Do you know how many Jewish marriages were ruined the past year because of that statement.

"We're going to Florida for Yeshiva Week."
Just confirming your vacation is ruined and you will not be able to enjoy walking down Surfside.

"All is good in Israel."
Nobody wants to hear things are good. That just makes things worse. Nothing is good!!!

"The price of Kosher meat is not that bad. I got brisket at twenty-five dollars a pound."
Now we can't complain and that bothers us. It's crazy expensive and we can't complain.
Say the brisket pun. "How do you perform a circumcision? With a Bris Kit" That will galvanize the community in hatred. You can also repeat your jokes like any of the membership at my shul. You will elicit a lot of anger. The more you repeat it, the more self-hatred you will bring forth.

"There's this great new Kosher smokehouse."
Thank you for killing delis for all of us.

"The war is over. I think the ceasefire..."
That's a great way to get everybody going at each other, while presenting their political platforms and announcing their candidacy for Knesset at the Shabbat table.
"Ceasefire" means the war will never end. And for some reason, that bothers people.

"I hate Jews."
For some reason that still bothers us.

You sneezing.
Any noise coming out of an orifice since COVID will get a lot of nasty looks. Why? Because your sneezing is going to kill everybody at shul. Want to really get everybody mad and cursing you out, cough.
Allergies. That will get you kicked out of the Jewish community.

"My kids moved to Israel."
Why can't you just stop there?! Why do we have to now hear about the grandkids and how much they love Bnei Akiva?!
Your Nachis. Nobody wants to hear your Nachis. If there is one thing that bothers people more than your opinion on Dead Sea salinization, it's the pride you take in your family.

"I am dedicating our vacation down in Florida to Israel."
Somehow, that doesn't help Israel.

"This is what I think Charedim should be doing..."
Nobody wants to know your political opinions right now.
There is a way out of getting in trouble for this statement. You can join the army, serve in Tzahal for three years, and then you can make this statement. With a little commitment, you can also hate Charedim.

That's a fairly exhaustive list. I hope it helps. Just try to stay away from sharing your opinions or sneezing.
You're going to mess up. If you talk, you're going to mess up, and you will remain single. But try. Try to wait for them to mess up and share their opinions on Israel and the new high-speed train from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem first.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve.

Let Rabbis Run the Army
Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi. Though he gives Halachik rulings, and makes decisions for religious Jews.
They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again.
Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree.

Charedim are Great Soldiers
They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen.
Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers.
They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries.
And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare.
And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF.
I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country.

National Guard
You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy.
National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier.

Guard the Religious Sites
Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came.

A Shalom Peace Corps
So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.”
They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict.
They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom.
The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated.
And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis.

Educate People How to Protest
Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday.
You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize.
Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute.

Let Them Run the Mossad
Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim.
Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those.

Warriors of H' Brigade
A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that.
The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis.
Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible.
Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved.
Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second.

Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help.
Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them.
 
I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter.
Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans.
 
Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. 

Title:   Gazawood
 
Genre: Benny Hill meets M.A.S.H. in Gaza
                         Reality Series for Streaming Services. So that people have access
                         even if their government will murder them.
 
Log-line: Town of Gazans in Gaza. All are Hamas and Palestinian Authority Terrorists. Telling the world Israel has killed every Gazan, and somehow, they are alive, all is caught on camera.

SYNOPSIS
Any scene from Gaza works. It's funny. We take the scene and add Benny Hill music to it. Episodes are five minute and they all end with a chase in circles to the Benny Hill theme song.
Every show leads in with kids playing and cheering, "Kill the Jews," to Hamas Barney TV show songs of education. Song goes, "Brushing my teeth on top. It's so much fun that I don't want to stop. Cause when I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I shoot the Jews with my gun." And kids cheer. And parents Schepp Nachis.

EPISODES
Episode 1 - Funeral Goes Wrong Because the Guy Is Alive
Funeral is taking place on road. Professional videographers are on the scene taking footage of the funeral. The dead person is in shrouds, under a cover, being carried to their funeral on a stretcher. A sign on the stretcher reads, "Israel killed me." A helicopter passes above. The videographers drop their cameras and start running. The people holding the deathbed drop it and start running. Camera is fixed on dropped deathbed. Guy lifts sheet, jumps out of deathbed, with Nikes and jeans. Benny Hill theme music comes on. He looks both ways and starts running after the videographers and the people who dropped him, along with the funeral attendees, waving his shrouds at everybody.
End of episode. Same guy dies again and picks up the sheet he is covered in at his funeral. He says, "This was my fifth time dying. Why can't I get a better role." He looks both ways and starts running again, to the Benny Hill music.
The BBC reports the Jews kill another innocent man. Death toll is up to fifteen million Gazans.

Episode 2 - Terrorists Are Warned There Are Terrorists in Their Homes
We see the local Gazans going into their homes. Pamphlets are dropped from the sky to warn them that there is a terrorist in their homes. On their phones, they read, "mass murders in your building." They look at each other weird, to see who is the other terrorist. Everybody starts running out of building with rockets, guns, and RPGs, including women and children. All wearing masks. Some masks read Hamas, some say PA. They start chasing each other outside. Benny Hill music comes on as they are chase. They put down their weapons in peace and start throwing rocks at each other. Some of the stones are huge.
Peace is made, as they all hug, with brotherly conversations of "You're a terrorist too?!" And then they execute each other, and the crowd of Gazans cheers and runs in excitement and joy to their people being executed by their own people, to Benny Hill theme song. 
They set up cameras to video the building blowing up. Camera catches building blowing up. Woman walks in front of camera and says, "They justa killed me." And then they all start running again.

Episode 3 - Sinwar Out of Hiding
Sinwar is dressed in burqa with full hijab as woman with a beard. Crossdressing in rundown apartment that has been through war, he turns to camera with stunned look. The classic Benny Hill dressed as a woman sketch.
Sinwar then tries to avoid being seen by the person taking the video, which catches it all. He and the people around him start running to Benny Hill music.

Episode 4 - The Missile Goes the Wrong Way
Everybody is relaxing in homes. Men take off their Hamas masks, and are playing backgammon on wooden boards. Women are seen taking off their burqas, relaxing over baklava for Middle Eastern tea time.
Outside Hamas guys crawl out of the ground from under a postpartum unit of a birthing hospital. In the unit, people are watching children's shows with little Hamas kids saying "kill the Jews." They take aim at Tel Aviv with a missile. They are excited to shoot the missile. A little baby in Hamas mask gives a thumbs up to the Hamas guys threw a window.  
Missile goes the wrong way into a building. Everybody runs out of the building. Benny Hill theme song is playing. Some women end up running out of a building without their burqas. Hamas guys in building run out with their masks in hand, waving them. Everybody is chasing the Hamas guys who shot the missile. The people who got killed in the earlier episode are running out of the building.
News report reads, "Israel genocide of Gaza births more babies. Gazan population grows thanks to Israeli genocide."

Episode 5 - The Starving People
Everybody is starving. Protesters from everywhere show up with signs reading "people are hungry," while they are enjoying a barbeque.
Hamas guys are seen taking the food from the food disbursement sites, and running away with it. Hamas guys are in huge warehouse of food, eating lavish meal at table, along with all the people who are "starving." The starving people are well overweight. With pitas all over and "starving" people gorging on humus and chopped meat, they all see a video camera come in with a news anchor from CNN. They can't kill the guy, because he supports them. They look up at the camera, shocked. They start running. Benny Hill music comes on. Everybody is chasing the news people with guns. Then they all end up at the food support center, chasing a Jew who is trying to feed the Gazans. To Benny Hill theme, CNN reports Jews are creating a famine and starving the people of Gaza.

Episode 6 - Dead Body Found in Rubble
Funeral being videoed by Pallywood videographers. We see the outtakes. Everybody is laughing, as the dead guy lifts his sheet. Benny Hill music comes on and they run to funeral and drop the guy.
Next, they take a body in shrouds out of a building, bury it with a bulldozer. They are coaching each other on how to make it look like it was really buried. So, they put a bunch of dirt on it. One says, "Dis good." Red Cross gives thumbs up. The leader says, "Get the shovels. Now we dig it up." The guy with shovel says, "We barely covered the body. I just pull it out." Leader responds, "No. We dig. It show we had him buried." The guy takes one shovel of dirt and that puts down the shovel and lifts the body.
Whole Red Cross team there. Drone camera from above catches them all in the act. The whole thing. They all look up. They scream, "Oh. Sheet." Which is a four letter word in the Middle East. They start running to Benny Hill music. Some are carrying the dead body. And then they drop it. And the dead body starts running.
Red Cross guy on TV says, "We saw nothing." Hamas guys are saying, "We respect the dead. It's part of our religious duty." Middle of interview, Benny Hill music comes on and they all start running in circles, chasing each other.

***For show to work we need rights to the Benny Hill theme song.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren.
With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace.
Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate.

Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur.
They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people.
Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. 

A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?!
Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts.
You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too.
Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. 

Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March.
They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman.
Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there.

I truly respect the commitment of the religious.
Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers.
They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again."
We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. 
You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK.

They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in.
You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you.
You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot."
Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case.
Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. 

The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible.
We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza.
 
I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
 
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself.
Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much.
 
Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job…
It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there.

"If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously.

Announcements
The world lost a righteous man this week. A man who stood up for Israel and moral values. Unlike our congregants who have a hard time eating falafel in a pita, without the tahini getting all over their shirt.
 
The commemoration of Nine-Eleven ceremony will take place this coming week on Nine-Eighteen. Nobody realized it was Nine-Eleven until they saw the screen on their computer, which had the date in number form. We ask from now on, everybody purchase calendars without names for months. Just numbers. This will also help when reporting your birth date to the office.
 
We will be singing "Acheinu," the song of brotherhood, all week long. Until you get it right. And sway together correctly.
It is the new song of our people, because nobody knows the words to Hatikva anymore. So we’ve given up on that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It’s Fine For Liberals to Laugh at the Death of a Man Who Talked- The Forbidden Nature of Talking to People. Numbers in Month Form- A Seminar on What Numbers Correspond With Which Months. How to Sing Without Messing Up a Song- The Art of Saying NayNayNay.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Moshe talks of going into Israel right after he speaks of Amalek... He didn’t have you as congregants. He had Amalek.
Right after Amalek, Moshe talks of going to Israel. You have to keep in mind those who want to kill us. That’s why we have Israel. And for good Kosher falafel.
With the basket you bring, the Bikurim, you bring up Egypt and thank H'. You speak of how H’ saw our suffering and redeems us... Israel is what Gd gives us. It’s our safe place. And we have abandoned that by not being thankful... Yes. You can say what you want in Israel. It's a safe space for Jews.

Gd brings us there, but we have a side of the covenant we must keep. And I know that responsibility bothers you all. Which is why our Chazin will be doing all of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Davening, as well as opening the Aron himself...
(Devarim 27:1-4) When you get to Israel, “set up great stones and coat them with plaster.” The commandment isn't to do renovations on the stones. If you were doing renovations on the stones with a committee, they would've never got plastered... I don’t know. Weather ruins things. Weatherproof the stones.
“And you shall write on them all the words of the Torah when you cross over.” It’s there for Torah. Israel is there for us to practice the Torah. To read it. To preserve it. Preserve it with plaster... We’re not putting plaster on the scroll over here. It costs too much... They didn't have Sofrim charging 150k back then. That's why some of the rabbis say they didn't write the whole Torah on the stones. With the scribe fees, it would've cost the community too much...
The stones are our foundation right when we get to Israel... If you would've put in a decent foundation on the Sukkah, it wouldn't have blown away last year... Are you protecting the Torah. The covenant of Gd that we must keep safe, so that we are safe. Are you protecting the foundation. If you would've plastered the walls of the shul correctly, we wouldn't have water damage...

What makes it our safe place is the Torah. Is our guarding and protecting the Torah.
We have to waterproof it, because we need to guard our will. Amalek, the Egyptians, those who attack us and our supporters, attack our will. Like the board, who attacks every decent Torah idea. Such as learning. The board decided learning Torah wouldn't raise enough money, so we don't learn in our shul... The Torah idea was to learn Torah. I understand that's too simple for a committee to discuss. So, it didn't happen. We should plaster "Learn Torah" on the walls of our shul... Because, it's a simple idea, Bernie. And it doesn't change...

You should be in Israel... I’m not there because I have a job.
Israel protects us and we must learn Torah there. We must practice Mitzvot. It is written on the foundation stones to remind us of morality... Because it's plastered. And they had decent masons working on the stuff. Not a millennial who...
Are we preserving the Torah? Are we fighting Amalek? Are we truly thanking Gd with our gift baskets? If the Purim Mishloach Manot I received from the members of this shul is any sign, we are not doing a good job.
Israel isn't complicated. The Knesset is complicated. However, the Midot, the traits of Israel are simple. Be good. Fight evil. Get money from tourists...

Israel is about morals. The Olam lost a righteous man this past week.
What do you stand for? What are your morals? How are you going to continue his legacy? Are your Jewish kids safer on college campuses now?... Because they're not plastering the Torah on their walls. Because the college life is based on immorality, one cannot be safe.
They have pictures of Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar... I don't believe they were what Moshe was talking about plastering. And that is how you lose morals. It's what you plaster on the wall. And at this shul we're using Sheetrock. Drywall does not represent morality. Neither does hip hop or the Swift family. Nor does a poster of A Minecraft Movie. Building an immoral society with nothing on it's foundation stones...
Laughing at a Tzadik’s murder??? Your sense of humor is off... Things to laugh at would be the board's choice of wallpaper in the social hall.

Charlie saw the immorality in America and attacked it. He was trying to plaster truth on the walls.
What moral values do you fight for?... Giving tips at Flavor Cafe is not a moral value. Fifteen percent does not make you a person with scruples. There's no Mitzvah to be a big tipper... You haven't given Tzedakah in years... Tipping is not charity. And the fact that you gave your Mayser money, your tithe, to tips... A tithe is a tenth. One tenth. Not one and a half tenths...
We must talk things out. Plaster the holy words of H' on the rocks. In his way, Charlie Kirk tried doing that on the campuses... I am not suggesting graffiti. 

The Torah reminds us of history and our hardships. The Torah we practice is in the face of evil. We preserve it in the face of the board and our synagogue committees...
Commemorating those who have gone is important. Which is why we have memorial plaques, plastered on the wall of our chapel. And you can donate money in honor of your loved ones who've passed on...

Morals are based on them. Moral acts we preserve, the Torah, is all based on how we treat death. The past. Chesed Shel Emet. Kindness of truth. And our will to live by Torah even when we’re under attack.
How we commemorate... The problem is we called it Nine-Eleven. If it was called September 11th, everybody would know when that is... Calling 911 is not the right thing to do on NIne-Eleven. You do a moment of silence. Prayer.
Commemorate it. Torahify it. Maybe fight terrorism.
Have we waterproofed our Israel?!

We are going to be singing Acheinu all week. It’s for our people, and we're going to sing it all week. At least till you get the song right. You guys mess it up every time. How do you mess up a song of brotherly love so much?!... It's because you don't love your people.
The song makes me cry every time I hear it. How all of our people come together and sing. How you all sway and sing off tune.
Your harmony is so off... Well. Then you're singing a different song.
Didn’t even repeat the verse. You repeat verses in Jewish songs. Always repeat the verse... That's how you make sure the song rhymes...
Of course "Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael" are the lyrics. We have good lyrics written 2k years ago. We don’t change them, Chaim. It was in the Machzor Vitry. We sing that... We’re not singing Yanky’s new song. I don’t care that it was inspired. And we're not singing Taylor Swift.
And now your swaying is off.
We are going to plaster the words on the wall... So you remember them. Or at least look at them and don't mess them up... I know it's written in Hebrew. Learn Hebrew. Those lyrics protect us.

If you all understood the idea of brotherhood... And sisterhood. I get it Rachel. You would sing together... Let’s sing now...
The way you're singing now promotes brotherly hatred.... Sisterly hatred. Sorry...
OK. You’re right. There are other songs for our people. We’ll also sing Kol HaOlam Koolo and Am Yisrael Chai... And Hatikva. It’s our national song. The fact you guys don't know it... 

Will we remain stalwart?! Are we plastering the cornerstone of our religion?!
And now it’s offensive and bothersome to say we lost holy brothers in Israel this week?! Acheinu. Our brothers... And sisters. Exactly Rachel.
America is not a safe space without Israel...
H’ Yismor. Plaster that on our wall.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got into the singing. He turned his sermon into a Kumzits singalong. Once he got into the songs, he started crying, because Bernie and Ruchel were so off tune.

Nobody wants Mishloach Manot in our shul. I understand the rabbi. If the Bikurim baskets were anything like what I got for Purim, it would not be thanking H'. I can't imagine that people were bringing Gd poppy seed Hamentashen.

Due to the rabbi's message of waterproofing Israel, our membership started a campaign to raise funds to purchase wood stain and sealant for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.
Jerusalem claimed the stone is already waterproofed. By design. As a board said, "That sounds biblical."

Committees in our shul need something to discuss. At the last meeting, the renovations committee discussed the idea of if Torah is important to Judaism. It was a committee. It was a discussion they had to have. They had a meeting already planned. They had to discuss something. It would appear that Torah is not important to renovations in our shul.

The rabbi made a beautiful point about antisemitism and Israel being our place to live. Nobody cared. They claimed the flights to Israel are too expensive, and the real Amalek is EL AL.

The congregants were mad the rabbi could say such a thing about Charlie Kirk. One member screamed out, "How dare you say he was a decent human being?!!" 
It turns out our congregants hate Israel and Jews. They also hate morals. Some of the left-wing of our shul, at Kiddish, started laughing about Charlie Kirk's death. It turns out that they’re against guns, but pro-gun violence
Now the liberals in our shul want to kill any child who talks. To quote our left-wing Kiddish table, "If they talk, one day they might debate. The decision is easy." 

The most moral thing one of our members has done is to give a big tip. "A big tipper." That's a Tzadik. "She gave eighteen percent. She has a place in Olam Haba." Yet, they steal pens at work.
The rabbi ended up giving a whole mathematical explanation of tithing. From then on, Chaim only tipped ten percent.
The left-wing table claimed Charlie Kirk never tipped well. A Rasha!!!

The rabbi saw an opening when he mentioned the plaques for family members who passed, and he started going into an appeal. He's warmed up for the High Holidays. He's good.

The rabbi started a statewide campaign to call it September 11th, so people would remember the date, before seeing the bottom right of their computer screen.
Every year, we miss Nine-Eleven. We need a ceremony to commemorate it.
We need another name for it. Not to get rid of Nine-Eleven. Just to change the name. Because they are not good at reading dates, some of our congregants commemorate it every day. Every time Bernie looks at his clock when he gets to shul, he mourns.
The moment of silence was not a meaningful idea. The rabbi is always asking the congregants for a moment of silence. He just wanted the congregants to shut up.

Many congregants were offended by the concept of fighting terrorism. To quote, "Terrorists have a right to be who they want to be. If that is how they identify, we have no right to stop them."
They congregants have also been through a lot, dealing with violence in the shul. They had already dealt with Simchovitzs’ Hagba fiasco where he took Galigla from the kid. The anger expressed when the kid didn't wrap right. They're still talking about it. Some claim the look was a terrorist act, perpetrated by somebody who doesn't identify as a terrorist. Which the left-wing table said is wrong, as "that's misappropriation."
It turns out that looks can be terrorism too. "A terrorist look." And that is more offensive than killing people. I think that is the congregation I belong to.

Due to the suggestion, we are now singing all four songs after Davening, every time. Not just Acheinu. And the rabbi has also insisted on the NayNayNay parts, adding an extra five minutes to each song. As he says, "That is the one part all the congregants know."
Such bad singers in our shul. The rabbi required music classes for all. The rabbi also brought in a dance instructor to teach us how to sway right. He said the classes were for all the victims of having to be members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. And to honor the victims of Nine-Eleven, whenever that is, by not ruining more Jewish songs.

After all the talk of hardship, death and commemoration, everybody had a great time at Kiddish.

The connecting numbers to month names seminar lasted three days.

Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song.
And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL:

I dedicate this song for you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you.
Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel.
Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you.
We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel.
Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you.
We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel.
I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you.
Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel.
The crunchy blooming country. Israel.
Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel.
I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you.
And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel.
The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel.
Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. 

***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly.
I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it.

Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter.
To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too.
We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach.
 
The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to."
 
The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"...

(Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war...
We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you...
I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again...
The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said...

It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful.
It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful...

Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues.

Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?!
It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul.
Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war...

And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish...

When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... 
In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke...
Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025...
You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin...

The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing...
Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!...
Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. 
Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October...
Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka...

Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles.
Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here...
Don't let war take away your moral compass.
That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim.

There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee...
The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back...

You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors...
You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic.
And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here.
You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot...
I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max...
Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War...

Acting with purity, even in times of war.
(Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.”
When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it.
The quilt is shameful.

It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it...
Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere...

Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs.
Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at.
They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. 
Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka.
Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it.
And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people...

When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah...
We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... 
We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded."

Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived."
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions.

I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites.
Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now.

Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one."
Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately.

I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year.
The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools.

Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners.

The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while.
When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there.

The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!"

The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs.
Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah.
As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool."
I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin."

I've spent years trying to memorize the Israeli banking hours. Nothing has worked. Hence, I wrote this song to help you remember when your bank might be open. I cannot promise that they have not changed the hours since the song was written. At least it would've helped last Wednesday. These hours were still in effect last week. In the middle of the week.
Here is the song.

Bank Discount Hours Song 
(to "Happy Days"- a catchy fun song, so you can still smile when you show up on time to the bank and they're closed- I kept the name of the song simple, as I don't want to give you something else to memorize- focusing on the hours and which bank they belong to is a hard enough task)

Sunday Monday Wednesday 8:30 to 1
Tuesday Thursday 8:30 to 2
Monday Wednesday Opens again at 4pm
Friday they close early too
When it’s a holiday I have no idea what to do

These hours change every day. Change every day. Bah Ding Dong
Why the siesta on Monday and Wednesday. Bah Ding Dong
Why don’t they return from their Siesta on Tuesday. Or Thursday?!
(Remix)
The hours. What are they?!
(outro addition)
The Doar hours, I have no idea. They changed those again. The other day.

Please Note: Those are 8:30am to 1pm. 8am to 2pm. Opens again at 4pm. I don't believe it's 4am. But then again, they give military hours, and I can't account for what those mean.
I cannot account for siesta hours. They might return at 1am. I cannot promise.
To help, I also took the liberty to add a few beats to the verses.
For those who don't know, the Doar is the post office. 
I tried including the Doar in this song, but the Doar hours are different from the bank hours, as the postal workers have different siestas than the bank tellers. And some siestas last a day. Sometimes a week. I can't account for that in one song. And I cannot take responsibility for you receiving the new lyrics weekly.
I believe the lyrics "Bah Ding Dong" express the message of the song.

Announcements
We ask mourners not be selfish. The Davening leader should be the person with the highest level Chiyuv requirement on the chart of tragedy. A fisticuffs shouldn't break because Steve's father passed away last year.
We understand that nobody wants to hear Felvel lead. But he is going through Shloshim. Being that it’s the first thirty days, he leads, unless if somebody has Yahrzeit. So please be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit, so we don’t have to listen to Felvel.
 
The rabbi is on vacation. The Chazin will read the Drasha. The rabbi wants everybody to know he feels it necessary you all hear a sermon, as you’ve all been sinning this summer, and you’re bad congregants.
 
The rabbi forbids Malkie’s Fat Loss Clinic. You can’t be a Frum Jew, and get thinner, when there’s Shabbat... Vegan Shnitzel is forbidden.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Offend the Death of a Parent By Not Sharing the Amud and Praying in with Our Congregation of Heretics. Leading Davening Not Like Felvel So People Want to Stay Jewish. Healthy Diets H’ Hates - Because There’s No Kishka. What Makes You a Sinner- A Look at the History of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

Rabbi Mendechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 7:20) H’ will send the hornet swarm to get the hidden enemies. But that’s if you listen and do the Mitzvahs... The military plan doesn’t work if you’re all sinning. You have to keep Shabbis for it to work.
I tried getting hornets to go after the board. A bunch of sinners... The idea is the hornets go into the tunnels, and they run out. I’m not a military expert, but it works, Bernie. It just works...

Moshe fights for everybody, so you are still alive and H’ doesn’t kill you... He fights with prayer. It can work. I have seen the way you guys attack the Gabai.
You're alive, not because we had our first decent shul softball game on Sunday. And you are only going into Israel because the other people are so bad. The Amorites and their cousins, the ites, are just sinning more... Basically. You’ve done nothing, other than get Gd mad. But Gd is madder at them... I know this, because I've been around this congregation for a very long time, and I've seen how Jews are when they're on a board. If it was the board making decisions, we would've never made it to Yericho... Exactly. The shul trip to Israel hasn't happened for four years now. Because the board is involved. Sinners...

(Devarim 10:11) H’ tells Moshe, “... let them come and possess the land that I swore to their fathers, to give them...” Earlier in the Parsha we see that we'll get kicked out of it. Because we're going to mess up. Ruchel will get involved as board president and she'll mess up the finances... The rebellious people that we are, we don’t necessarily deserve to go into the land. We have to go all the way back to our forefathers for a reason for Gd to like us. Which is why we have plaques in the shul. To remind Gd that at some point there were decent Jews here. Jews who paid dues and didn't mess up the finances and ruin the rabbi's contract...

The Levites get nothing. The Leviim don't get any land. Does that sound fair?... Well, it’s fair. I'll answer the questions I ask here. (Devarim 10:9) They have H’... Stop blaming the Levites. I know they do a bad job of handwashing in our Shul. But they're not the reason. They’ll be fine doing Gd’s service. We are talking right now about you guys messing up everything that your forefathers worked for... Let’s see. The Leviim didn’t ruin everything with the Golden Calf. Or a new Torah crown without silver. They're not a reason for us to not be in Israel. In our shul, they're a reason to think that maybe the Levites shouldn't be the ones singing Tehillim on the steps of the Temple. You all have just as bad of voices as the Chazin...
I have to explain this. This is why we have sermons. Leviim don't need a physical heritage. They have Gd.
Can you get over the fact the Levites don't get land. It's not a punishment. Smirking in the back left. It's called spirituality... Yes. It does make you feel better to have Gd when you're broke...

The point is you can't do anything good. Our congregants are not the reason for anything positive. Even so, as I've witnessed, you are very good at messing things up. Like Torah reading...
Don’t mess up everything. Gd is doing a favor to our forefathers and me, letting you into Israel... If you moved to Israel, Topeka would be happier. Stop blaming the Levites. They're not the reason. They have Gd. You. You. I'm talking to you. You don’t mess it up. 
Once you understand you’ve done nothing good, your heritage will be there. It will be protected, even through hornets... Your kid getting bit up at camp was your fault. The Torah does not say to not spray your child.

Just don't do anything and your heritage will be fine... No Bernie. Just stop. You're bothering everybody.
Mitzvahs. Do Mitzvahs. Everything else will be taken care of.

There are things we have to do. Leading Davening should be done right... You want hornets on us?! Then don't mess it up.
The rules are. To lead the Davening, you have to have something awful happen to you?! If nothing awful has happened to you, you can't lead services. That's what a Chiyuv means. That or a Bris... I have had to deal with you. That is why I lead services sometimes. It's a deep pain I feel. A loss of joy...
If somebody had something awful happen to them, let them lead. Don't be nasty. There shouldn't be Amud, prayer leading fights...
You’re selfish, Vitaly, when it comes to Kaddish, never joining the community tune... You are so off beat. And this is an Ashkenazi shul. You’re stuck doing this fifteen-minute Edut Mizrach Kaddish. Nobody knows when to say Amen...
We're asking you to not mess up the decentness your ancestors gave our community. Don't mess with plaques. They're the only good thing we have left in this shul. To not cause more Galut.
We are asking mourners to be considerate of other mourners. To not be selfish mourners... Felvel. You're not the only one to lose somebody... He said, “I lost my dad last month.” Your response, “Then I should be leading. Yahrzeit trumps Shloshim.” There were no condolences. No LAliyas Nishama. No Hamakom Yinachem. You told him to leave. That is not comforting...
And then a fight with Steve. You got mad at him because he had a Yahrzeit. The day his father died, and you want to throw punches... And what’s a fisticuffs. Are you fighting 17th century style? Is this one of those things where you start hitting each other and nobody ducks the punch?!

And stop singing. We are going to ask the Chazin to stop singing. His voice is off.
If the Jews sang like this in the desert, Moshe's prayers and calling on our forefathers to help with H' wouldn't have done a thing.
Come to think of it. Nobody leading Davening at the shul would bring redemption. You are all so bad at it.

I ask that you all be better Jews. There is no way a good Jew can take off weight during the summer. With late Shabbis, you are eating till 9pm Saturday night. From 11am to 9pm. That is at least four pounds of babka. Shnitzel for. A popcorn machine. And Rose finally is making good Shnitzel. So, you are eating that... Kol Hakovd Rose for finally having a decent recipe and not messing it up. A thing that somebody didn't mess up. Rose is not the reason we are living in Galut. With her amazing new Shnitzel we would be in Israel. It's the board...
And then you need a Melaveh Malka. That means Saturday night pizza. If you were decent Jews, you would've put on at least eight pounds this summer. So far.
And what is vegan Shnitzel? Are you even Jewish? Vegan is not Jewish. Pareve is Jewish...

The idea is to bring spirituality. To be connected to the elevated Leviim. To eat more Shnitzel. This is our way of being connected to Israel, where we can't afford homes... You're poor, because you messed up your ancestor's inheritance. 

The Levites get nothing. Are they part of this?
(Devarim 10:8-9) The Leviim are commanded to minister to H’ and carry the Aron. A spiritual bunch. “Therefore Levi doesn’t have a share and heritage with his brothers. Gd will be his heritage...” Don't worry about the Levites. Worry about famine. When you're connected to Gd, there is good. You don’t need land. The Levites are good Jews. They put on weight every Shabbat... You don't lose that heritage of Gd when you eat. If the people don’t kill everything, the Levites will be fed by the tithes. And they'll have homes based on what they receive by the people not sinning... 
The problem is they're connected to the people they minister to. If there's a famine and no tithing, what do the Levites eat?
And this is why my contract is messed up...

The military plan is to keep the Mitzvahs. It’s to not do anything stupid. That’s the plan. Mitzvahs. And it will help run Kosher Mart better too. And it will help with Davening. Keeping Mitzvahs will have you leading prayers faster, because you will think about loving your neighbor, and you will do it fast.
And where is the name Kosher Mart from? Is it named after a family member?...

The Levites got this. And they got their lot with H’. Because they wanted that. They didn't mess up.
If you don't mess everything up, we should merit Israel and hornets. Celebrate your ancestry... And they will not eat the plaques. And get some bug spray for your kids already...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi spent half hour explaining military strategy. It came down to, pray to H' and show up to shul on time.
And that leads to safe living in Israel.

So heritage means you've done nothing. And that is a good thing.
The redeeming lesson is that we might have a chance to not mess up things more than we have. And that is a win for our congregation. Everybody felt inspired after the sermon to not mess up more than they have.

I’ve ran into some nasty Kaddish guys. Especially from the women’s section. When a woman is saying Kaddish and the woman is on tune, they can't deal with it. They They go off beat even more.
These guys are vicious when it comes to leading services too. Ralph says” It’s my Minyin.” Like the guy owns the Minyin. Like he's the best guy for it. Ralph hasn't even paid dues. To be honest, everybody hates Ralph. And he runs up there. He gets there early just make it uncomfortable for the mourners to kick him off the Bima, so they can rightfully lead. Felvel has to go over to him every day. “I lost my mom.” And then Ralph gives no response. Just a nasty look.
And Ralph is worse at leading than Felvel. He runs up there because nobody would ever ask him to lead Davening.
No matter what, he's leading. He considers his birthday a Chiyuv. This guy always leads.
After this whole violent ordeal, Michael was looking to purchase a pair fisticuffs. He was bothered that he lost his last pair of cufflinks.  

"Get out of here" is how the men in our services comfort the mourner. 
And that announcement. "Be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit so we don't have to listen to Felvel lead Davening." It was like the shul was hoping that more congregants would experience more family death. Just so that Felvel doesn't lead. It's like he's even worse than the Chazin.
I think mourners should be a little selfish when mourning one's parent. It shows Kibud Av vEim, honoring parents, when you're a jerk to others, in honor of leading people for Chiyuv.

Faster Davening, and not having to listen to these people lead, is the greatest Mitzvah. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Seeing the anger expressed when other people lead, it is true. 

The rabbi left for the week and he still had a Dvar Torah. I think he just gets out his anger on us. It was inspired. He even threw in the how annoying Bernie is. He knew exactly where they wouldn’t shut up.
The Chazin having to read his own voice is off. That hurts.

Rose's new Shnitzel is amazing. I agree that she should be praised, as she is our only hope for redemption as Jews.
I agree with the rabbi, our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious.
Malkie is taking off weight. I don’t think she’s keeping Shabbis. Keeping Shabbis during the summer means ten hours of eating on Saturday. You can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. 
What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat.
I never understood eating on Saturday night. After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating? I should ask the rabbi.

When he got back, the rabbi ended up making all the vegans in the shul bring proof of Judaism.

The rabbi being away, nothing changed. They all still talked during his speech. Which was really the Chazin's speech. Very confusing. Especially because in his speech he said we don't need or want a Chazin.
He got back for his class later in the week because he didn't trust that the vegans were Jewish.

I just learned you can say anything about Jews. Can't say it about anybody else. But Jews. You can blame a whole race, a whole nation, for somebody not making room for you on the sidewalk. A Mexican cuts you off, it's the Jews. 
I heard The Young Turks going off on Jews. And I realized, they are so happy Hamas and the BBC have given them the green light since October 7th
People heard Hamas saying how happy they were they killed Jews and your neighbor was saying, “Finally. I can say it. I hate these people. If we could just get rid of them, housing values will double.” Anti-Semites started popping up everywhere. Your neighbor, the guy you share a cubicle with, all of France. They popped up even at the circus. I went to see some acrobats and they were shooting a Jew out of the canon. 
The hatred is there and the world has justified it. Let me share some things you can say about Jews, but not any other people. Maybe because the other people aren't Jewish. But that's not the point.

"I want to kill you. We all want you dead. Your whole people should die. Your whole people is annoying."
This is fine because you're saying it about Jews. How "annoying" made its way in there. No idea. But you should be able to kill people for biting their nails.

"Everybody hates you because you're Jewish. Get out of here. Jew! Nobody wants you."
You can't say this about other people, because they're not Jewish. I think that's something we'll have to accept. They also haven't been kicked out of every country. 
If you could say this about other people it would be a lot of fun. More Massacre might be necessary.

"You are murderers."
How does this work? You're allowed to kill us. But when you fail, we're blamed for that?!
Truth is that Jews should be blamed for all homicide. Son of Sam. Is he not Jewish with a father named Sam?... Wait. I just looked that up. David Berkowitz is Jewish. Let's move onto the next one.

"You're Jewish scum. Everybody loathes you. You're hated by the world. Everybody wants you dead. You're swine."
Wouldn't one of those have been enough?
I think that's what Ana Kasparian of "The Young Turks" said. It did sound very nice and comforting, as it was in a soft tone. I appreciate that. Truth is, it's tone that's offensive.
Anything The Young Turks say, you can say that nowadays and people are like, "That's right." It's fine for Turks to say that. And you have to empathize with them. In 1934 the Turkish government kicked out all Jews and got rid of them. And then you have to see them in America. That's not easy. That's a reason to kill them. I think we can agree with that. 
Canada understands. They did their job when they kept out refugees from the Holocaust . I believe the quote went, "None is too many." But that has to make you question, "Who do you murder at that point?!"

"You steal land."
How we steal our own land is regretful. How a Jew can live in Israel and not feel like a thief and a murder. 
And then some Jews have the gall to say that Israel is their homeland. Shame.
Where should Jews live? Well. Not in Europe or the Middle East. Or America. I think the real problem here is Jews.

"You can't drive."
This isn't right. They're taking racial epithets against Asians and using it against us. You shouldn't be misappropriating hatred like that.

"Cheap. Your people are cheap."
It's true. Who doesn't like shopping at Marshalls. And you should hate people shopping at Marshalls. Especially people you see at the clearance rack. Because they're Jewish. Which is another reason to go to Marshalls and shop at the clearance rack. It's a good place to express your hatred of Jews.

"You smell bad. You can't play basketball. Your people are the worst at badminton. The way you drink coffee is annoying."
Have you ever seen my family drinking coffee with a straw, when it gets to the end of the cup?! It's annoying.

"You control the media. You run Hollywood. You control the airlines."
What happened to the good old days when antisemitism was positive?! When antisemitism focused on what Jews had. Those were good days.
You don't want people forgetting Mein Kampf. And how many people know the sequel? A Mein Kampf sequel?! There was a public demand for more Kampf?! I think Kampf might have had some swine in there too. I think the swine part is where that book went wrong in its expression of Jew hatred. If it would've just focused on the fact that Jews run the banks, all would've been good.
You know it's all in jest when you're quoting passages from Mein Kampf.

"You all slaughter people. You think you're entitled and you steal our tax dollars."
You need a reason to kill Jews. Otherwise, you might feel bad hearing a Jew was murdered. Even worse, if you think Jews are kind and charitable, you may not want to kill them. And that is unforgivable.
And you can say it because they're Jews.

"You drink Christian blood. People want to drink your blood."
Let's bring the libel back up. You want this one back out there, just in case there is a chance people might start liking Matzah, and Streit's starts getting more business. And then, the Jews are also running the Matzah business.

"You run the roller coaster at Six Flags."
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"Slavery. Jews are the reason slavery." 
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"You are bad at making decisions. Jews can't choose what to order."
If you say that with the right amount of hatred, you'll have a whole restaurant attacking a Jew. Maybe if you had a bit of empathy, you would realize we're bad at deciding what to order because we're cheap.
It's not easy to figure out the best deal on the menu at a pizza shop. Then there's special requests. Sometimes, they're offering coleslaw, and you want a burger as the side. And then they have that part where it says, "Ask the waiter." Am I not supposed to ask the waiter? I follow rules. And what about "du jour"? What does that mean? 

"You say you're the chosen people. You're not even Jews."
They're not even blaming us. I don't see this as antisemitism. They don't really hate us. They hate some other Jewish people.
Come to think of it, this is the most offensive one. I have a right to identify as I want.

This screaming at Jews and telling Jews you hate them sounds like a lot of fun. Telling a whole nation you hate them is very cathartic. I get why people like to do it. It's always good to tell people you hate them. It brings joy. It brings the world together.
I want to get into some of those college protests and tell people I hate them. Or I can go to the next board meeting at my shul. Either way, I have some new things  I learned about Jews that I can tell them.

I did hear somebody say that all Guatemalans should die and be raped. I didn't jump on the bandwagon because they're not Jewish. And I think that would be wrong. Because they're not Jewish. I feel it is important to defend that point of view. Only Jews should be attacked. The world only needs one people to hate at a time.

Stuff is messed up and the world is against us. They're blaming us for everything. The news...
The Gazan Death Toll is now up to eight million. (pause for laugh- when no laugh make sure they know it's a joke- audience may not be educated and hate Jews and say eight million people live in Gaza- audience may be UN staff- be clear I'm mocking inflated death toll numbers when I say death toll- I wouldn't laugh at people dying Chas vShalom- one death is too much and I pray suffering ends- maybe go into speech and abandon bit- let them know I care about all life- though it may offend them let them know I'm laughing at deaths where people didn't die- maybe do group prayer before moving into bit- Psalm 121 here and they'll be ready to laugh- King David has that affect- if they think it's just a mocking the lies coming out of Gazans and the UN then continue like it was a comedy bit about what it is- maybe add joke "There were more total war tragedies on death toll by December 2024 than May 2025- and people still don't believe in resurrection")
How do they come up with those numbers? "Pneumonia. Caught cough from Israeli. Another one dead. That's thirty." (pause for laughs- I think I should leave out the pausing notes) They're not very good at math. Each death is eighty on the toll. That's what you get with bad education.
It happened during war, it's because of war. "We're going to miss Abu Fij. He was ninety-nine. Died in his sleep. Israelis... Tack on seventy for that one." They're blaming Israelis for COVID now. That's why Hamas wears those masks. They're worried they're going to catch COVID. (I hope I remembered to pause for laughs- maybe I should’ve left in “pause for laughs” notes) College protestors understand the seriousness of Hamas’ cause, that’s why they wear medical masks. (let them know I’m not mocking COVID- and I am not saying COVID is a terrorist organization) 

We've got to do better with world opinion.
Americans see it on CNN, it's fact. People hear stuff on BBC. They believe it because of that accent. Hamas statement, "Twelve million dead." Proof. Twelve. He said it. I believe it's up to twelve million since we started this bit. (remember- it's about delivery- make sure to nail the punches on death toll jokes)
Anchor. "Bibi built the tunnels." "You see. Told you!"
"Word just in from Hamas. Israel started California wildfires." "Hollywood. Knew it."
"We're reporting to you from the Temple Mount in Tel Aviv. Jews have now occupied the Temple Mount." "I told you the Jews were occupying Tel Aviv... Worse. They're protecting themselves."
Protecting ourselves is now a war crime. "Patriots... Shooting those missiles."

I don't think the news is on our side. Just guessing. They're throwing stuff out there. "And Israelis dropped a bomb in Japan." "They'll go for it."
You can't argue anymore. They're quoting kindergartners as proof, "Three plus one Zionist devil, makes four Zionist devils." Whatever that means. Somehow math books are against us. "You see. I told you they drink blood."
We've got to do better with world opinion. It's bad when they've turned you into a hateful slur. "Zionist!!!" "Yep. I believe that. I believe the Jewish homeland is the Jewish homeland. Call me crazy. If you have to, call me a Zionist. I must be an idiot, but that is the Jewish homeland, because it's the Jewish homeland."

We are so bad with world opinion. We look like idiots. 
Hamas looks amazing. They're tacking on deaths. They've got videographers with 10K res. (POV Palestinian videographer) "Let's get him dying in the sand castle this time. The last one with his mom crying. It was good. I think we can kill him better. I think if we... Let's go for the head chop off scene again. One more take... Take death number eight for Ichmad... Got to hurry. We're only on death number nine."
One kid died fourteen times. Dying once is bad enough. Can you imagine dying fourteen times... That's commitment.
We can't win. This whole Pallywood thing, where they kill their own people for good action shots. They're shooting out in Sudan. Taking the Gazan stars overseas to shoot the film short about the kid dying again. This kid’s family is schepping Nachis. The pride. The kid is pulling in Pollmmy Awards for his role as "The Kid Who Died Again." "And this year’s award for best death. Will it be Ichmad for his role in dying in a building with the Hamas guy. Or will it be Ichmad in dying again because of the Zionist Devil. Or will it be Ichmad in his role as The Suicide Bomb Kid."
Maybe they just can't find more actors. "And best film goes to The Suicide Bomb Kid: The Live Short Documentary." "Best supporting actress, to Fatima in Suicide Bomb Kid for her role as the girlfriend he met after he killed himself for the sixth time."
It's fine. The kid is still alive. Don't worry.
Ichmad is coming for his acceptance speech. "I couldn't have done it without Mrs. Kadini and her kindergarten class on the Zionist Devil who I have to kill. The cartoons about slaughtering Jews were truly inspirational."

Even Biden is like, "Something is off. I may not be totally with it, but... According to my calculations, one death per person. I think..."
I feel for the kids. For a kid to have to get killed fourteen times. It's abusive and wrong. I am very much against stage moms... They're pushy. Exploiting your own child like that.

One guy was dead. I saw it, he was under his sheet. Lifted his sheet, mid-funeral. Folded his sheet over. Neatly. Dead people are quite tidy. He then reached up, and his friend brings him a Coke. Drinks Coke middle of his own funeral. Can you imagine being dead with a parched throat. Being dead is hard enough. One shouldn't know of such things.
Another dead guy jumped off his death bed. Mid-procession. Starts running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I think he benched three hundred eighty pounds. In shrouds. Then I saw him at another one of his own funerals. He came back to fight for his people. As he's dying, he musters the strength to smile for the camera. 10K. Smiling at his own burial. The courage that takes. I believe that was Gazan Death Toll number thirteen million and two.

These people in Britain and America believe this stuff.
(POV Anchor) "We have an eyewitness. Hamas tunnel commander just told us. Israelis started the Spanish Inquisition." (pause for laughs- if I said "pause for laughs" make fun of myself for being an idiot) Americans believe this. Hamas tunnel professors.
We get blamed for everything. We are so bad with world opinion. We get blamed for being Jews. Just being Jews. We get blamed for that.
The death toll is now up to fifteen million.
They just throw numbers out there. "Forty million." It's now forty. "I said eighty. Eighty-five million. The total number of people killed in Gaza is now eighty-five million." "Ninety. We have ninety million Gazans dead." 
CNN. "And the Death Toll in Gaza is now up to ninety million."
Nothing is good enough. They can’t just stick to one lie. “Three hundred and eighty-four million dead.”
 
Next time let's talk about genocide. And I’m out of here. Thank you!!!
(that genocide ender is a real zinger)

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways.

Announcements
No violent greetings even if you are friends. Hellos shouldn’t hurt or injure people. And loud hugs must be kept to a minimum. Our seniors thought Zev and Nachum were fighting when they were saying "Shabbat Shalom."
 
We are going to ask our Chazin only sings two tunes for Kedusha. Due to the use of modern songs in Kedusha, our congregants think that the lyrics to every Jewish song are “Naaritzcha vNakdishcha.”
 
We want the new members to know that saying Hi to people is welcome in our community. We understand that you come from an area with a lot of Jews, where people like being ignored.
Our shul is full of losers who like saying Hi and you’re the reason for Tisha BAv.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Hurt People With a Shabbat Greeting. The Real Words to All the Tunes Our Chazin Steals and Uses for Naaritzcha. How to Run a Not Friendly Shul With Our New Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Happy Tisha BAv everybody. It’s coming up next week. I want to enjoy it this year... How do you enjoy? You mourn with your people. Not with the people of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Mourning with you all is depressing...

Reuven and Gad want to stay in this land they just got. Not in Israel. The same way ya’ll love Topeka. If there was Topeka in Egypt, you would’ve asked to stay... It’s nice. OK. It’s not Israel. You don't even have a Kosher restaurant here. How can you want to stay. As a Jew??? Reuven and Gad want to stay. They have good land. They have a guy willing to open a falafel shop... They at least got permission from Gd.
The verdict. (Bamidbar 32:20-22) “Moshe says to them, ‘If you do this thing, if you arm yourselves before H’ for battle. And every armed man of yours crosses the Jordan before H’, until He drives out His enemies before Him. And the Land shall be conquered before H’..." Israel’s enemies are H’s. We have to drive them out. That is part of our calling as a nation... I have driven many potential congregants out of this shul. For Gd...
"This thing" means joining your nation in battle... Well. Moshe didn't have your parents. Gd didn't live by your parents' grammatical rules. Vagueness was allowed, because everybody knew what they were talking about, and they weren't annoying. And they knew Torah. Unlike you all that sit in the back left... You guys wouldn't even join a discussion about Israel. Let alone a battle...
Moshe continues, "And after this you shall return. And you shall be clean from H’ and Israel, and this Land shall be a heritage for you before H’.” Only once they go in and join their people in battle, is it a heritage and connected to H’ and the Jews. When you do nothing to help your people. When the only thing you do is watch FOX News. When you don't even pay your dues... I get it. FOX News is more pro-Israel. But if you're not fighting for your people. And I know some of you fight at Kiddish over the herring... It's not holy. None of this hear is connected to H', because you don't fight for your people. And you don't even mow your lawn... At least mow your lawn. H' appreciates decent lawns...
We go out and we fight on behalf of H’. That is when we can return and know that our homes are good. That we are vindicated from H’ and from Israel. It's about not having to feel guilty...

When you are part of that, you can be blessed. If you are not. If you’re sitting here all relaxed with herring on Kichel, which is amazing, while those that are fighting for you are not safe, your land is not blessed. It is not a heritage. You're living in Topeka for Moshe’s sake. Gd would have probably said no to Reuven and Gad going to Topeka. You go to Topeka to run away from your people...

Is it not blatant? Do I have to say the soldiers??? Of course. It’s the soldiers. Tehy are the ones that bring us blessing. Not your children...
Maybe before learning, go out there with your people. Fight. At least go to the back left of the shul and tell them to stop talking. Tell Bernie to be quiet. Do something for your people.
Of course I am making the point that Americans should do the army. Your people are out there fighting. Nothing gives you the right... I know you can do what you want. But Gd and the Jewish people don't like you. That shouldn't be a shock. Sadie doesn't like you either...
That’s why we’re proud of the Berkstein children, who joined Tzahal... Tzahal is the IDF. They are doing the army, unlike the Finkelman children and the...

Fight for your people until they are safe. Have you fought for your people. Are you connecting with your people's plight?... Other than YouTube videos...
It’s all fine and dandy. It’s not, until your people are resting secure. And not helping your people is not helping Gd... Because Gd wants that. 
If join in our brother's fight "this Land" is ours. Is it the land on the other side of the Jordan or does "this Land" mean Israel?... I don't know. That's why I'm asking. The one time you people choose not to talk...

You haven’t helped your people. You've attacked with your Hellos. That's about it. Your greetings are very violent... Truth is I'm scared to get hugged by you. They're loud, and I will get hurt...
You would think our people would have Shalom amongst ourselves. Zev is still attacking people to say Hi. This is why nobody wants close friends in the shul.
They even hug violently. And it’s loud. We are not meant to fight each other with greetings... If you went in and hugged Hamas, the war would be over in a second.
I don’t shake your hands, because... I get you work in construction. Calm down. We know you have a good grip. Don't have to prove you've used power tools this week. We get it... Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, was caused by people saying Hello.

The Chazin’s tunes have just confused our people. I don't believe they've helped.
I am getting confused by the Chazin myself. The Chazin even got to me. I started thinking that the words to "Am Yisrael Chai" and "Kol HaOlam Koolo" are "Naaritzcha..." Those are songs. Their words are not "Naartizcha."
Even "Adon Olam" isn’t "Adon Olam."
"Lecha Dodi" to Chumbawumba’s "Tubthumping"? Is nothing out of limits... Oh. That song is "Keitzad Mirakdim Lifnei HaKala"? I thought it was "Lecha Dodi." I even corrected them at the wedding. I told them we sing that song Friday nights. Not for the newlyweds... Because of our Chazin misappropriating every Jewish song. 
We need regular tunes to the songs. I even had to ask why the Beach Boys are singing "Dror Yikra"...
Join the army and then you can use whatever tunes... Do that Mi Shebeiyrach for Tzahal tune for Mi Shebeiyrach for Tzahal. Not "Naaritzcha" or whatever it is. I can't say I know...

We can all fight in some way for the army of H’ by being nice. By fighting for Shalom in our people. That is our fight now. That and Hamas. And Iran. And everybody on college campuses, and everybody who hates Jews, your neighbors... There are a lot of people that hate us. I didn't realize is was that many. I thought it was only had to fight against the board...

I am not supporting violent Hellos. Just Hellos... 
If you’re not joining in this battle, if you are not there with your nation (32:23) “you will have sinned to H’, and know your sin that will find you.” This congregation found me, and I take blame for that.
The new family found us... We can’t stand the new family. The Markowitzs. I have to agree. You don’t say Hi. You think it’s cool to ignore people. The one thing our congregation does is not ignore people. Our congregants get in your face, ask about your family, and make you want to kill yourself. The one positive Mayla of our membership is we know everything about you...
If you’re going to be here, say Hi. at least talk... Now you talk. First time you talk to anybody, when I’m giving a sermon... I thought you were fine being snobby... You pass people and don’t say Hi. How do you expect people to take it? Reuven and Gad wanting to stay on the other side of the Jordan. How do you think our people going to battle would take it?!...
It's the unfriendliness that causes a disconnect amongst our people. How can you go to battle with your brothers if you don't even say Hi to them?!... 
You are the reason for Tisha BAv. Lashon Hara. You cause it. It's your not telling Samantha every single thing about your kids and how your cousins are doing, at Kiddish...
I understand it's easier to stay away and enjoy Shabbat, not saying Hi to the other members here. I wish I could. But I go to battle every day against the congregants here...

And now the Torah can go over all the travels of the Jewish people. Now that everything is understood. That we all have to fight for our people...
Nothing here is ever understood. That's why we never have shul trips. The last trip to Slide and Fun as a shul was the most horrendous display of non-unity. When Avromy knocks over Shimmy for a horse on springs... The horse doesn't move. The springs are so hard...
Sinning to your people is sinning to H'.
And sometimes you have to fight. Which is why I am saying that the Chazin has to calm down with his songs. And you all have to greet people correctly... Then you will be part of the nation, and not sinning like you always do...

Once the battle is over, OK. You can go back to being selfish. Being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, singing "Naaritzcha" for every Jewish song. But when your people are fighting, you go out there. If you are with your people at those moments, you are vindicated.
And I know we've fought some battles with members. And yes, they keep coming back. Some battles never end...
May we all merit to be safe from congregants who ruin Kiddish, and a Chazin who ruins every Jewish song for me.
And may we finally get a little Kosher restaurant here, so we can say this is Jewish. What kind of Jews have nowhere to eat...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi made everybody line up, and he coached them one by one, how to greet each other properly. In the middle of the sermon. He started with the handshake, then the look into the other person's eyes, then the part where you say "I have no idea what tune the Chazin is singing."
He then held a class on greeting people correctly, according to Halacha. There was a lot of debate as to whether the greeting should be Good Shabbis, Good Shabbat or Shabbat Shalom. The rabbi squashed the debate, and said, "It's Tuesday. Just say 'Hello.'"

I think the rabbi put telling Bernie to shut up on the same level of importance as fighting for the State of Israel and the Jewish people.

The rabbi listed the good members of our congregation whose kids are serving in the IDF. He also listed all the kids who are in college and working as professionals, who bring no Nachis. And that included the Chazin.

The rabbi wants a good Tisha BAv. He wants to enjoy it this year. He truly gets Hana’ah, enjoyment, out of mourning.

Fran called 911 when she saw Nachum and Zev say "Hi." She got scared. Asked why there is gang violence in the shul. Fran said she carries her phone on Shabbat for emergencies. She said she drives her car on Shabbat for emergencies too. Just in case she has to get to the hospital, or pick up some groceries. I would put my money on it that Fran would call 911 to help with her groceries.
The rabbi was saying the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because people injured each other by saying "Hello" with too strong of a grip.
I am happy I am a woman, I think a guy Hello might injure me.

It does get confusing when we misappropriate every American song. Even Jewish songs. The liberal members of our congregation started holding up “We shall not misappropriate Naaritzcha songs” signs.
One member held a sign saying “Give "Yankee Doodle" back to its rightful owners."

There are a lot of people that hate us. The rabbi was going to say the fight is only with those close to us. Because they are very violent with how they say Hello and herring. It turned out that almost every nation hates us. Not just the members at our shul.

The Markowitzs passed me without saying "Hi." We're not talking about passing my house. We're talking about in shul. Two hours after they met me, they already feel that we are close enough that they can ignore me.

The rabbi gave the class on how to say hello to people. He also showed how a no look pass by might be taken as unfriendly, and might cost an invite to a Bat Mitzvah. Which is why the Markowitzs probably do it. They don't want anybody to like them. They don't want to have to go to Simchas.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

Israel has messed up with world opinion. We get blamed for everything. We've got to garner better. We're garnering nothing. Ungarnered. (pause for laughs- because a Seinfeld voice was used)
Something is wrong. We're getting blamed for Hamas! (pause for laughs)
Hamas shoots their people for trying to eat. It's Jews. (pause for laughter) They slaughter babies and somehow "Israel's at it again." (pause for laughs- this should get a huge one) We give birth to Gazans. We get blamed. (not sure if there is a pause or not- pause after each of the next ones) Wildfires? Jews. Hurricane Milton? Jews. Stub toe? It's the Jews. (POV toe getting jammed) “The Israelis. How did that chair get there?! It was the Zionists!”
Milton??? Jewish. You're going to tell me Milton not Jewish?!
(pause- see what happens- gauge audience- maybe the death and murder comedy flow tickle the funny bone here) 

How are we looking bad?! (make sure I'm performing with my Yarmulke - so they can associate me as the one to blame me for the atrocities)
They have cartoons about how to kill the Jewish devil. Their kindergartners are blaming us. (pause for laughs- maybe just leave the "pause for laughs" out of the script- pause for laughs after each sentence- that should be understood) Cartoons of suicide bombers. We're getting blamed for animation. The Simpsons. That's our fault. (pause for laughs- I needed that there, as I don't want to forget to pause) We're blamed for educating kids to kill us. What society pushes propaganda on kids to kill them? Israel's Ministry of Education is putting out curriculum, "If two Zionists are killed by a preschooler, how many Zionist devils have you killed?" Israel's Ministry cares about these kids and their schooling. You want them to develop a good base in mathematics. Something they can connect to. Like killing Jews. 
I can understand a society educating kids to blow themselves up. (nuanced line- make sure sarcasm is understood- leave this line out if people are on the spectrum- if they are LGBTQ+ supporters they will empathize with this sentiment in support of Palestinian education and culture)

That guy's like, "I didn't kill anybody." Don't worry. If it's a Zionist, you're OK.

Murder. Rape. And somehow we look bad.
This is dark. There must be a reason not many comedians go for the rape zingers. (maybe don't pause here- depends on the crowd- if they're feminists they might might be on the floor here)

We're getting blamed for everything.
Bibi is somehow behind every... "Bibi. Free the hostages." Bibi is now hiding the hostages in his mansion. Somehow, he's leading Hamas.
There’s a leak in a tunnel. "Somebody get Bibi. What's with this guy?! How does he expect us to watch hostages in these conditions?!" 
"Bibi is ruining Gazan elementary schools. Him and his new idea of not killing Zionist devils. This guy is crazy. Murderer!!!"

Suicide bombing, that’s on us. How?! "Another Palestinian dead. You see."
And that's another eighty on the Gazan Death Toll report. (pause for laughs- don't say "pause for laughs"- just pause)
Is suicide bombers a better topic? I'm not good at choosing topics for humor. My bit about child abuse didn't go over last week. I was thinking about fast food. But that doesn't tickle the funny bone nowadays like torturing Jews.
 
Americans believe this stuff. (POV American) "It's the Gazans' truth." This is "their truth" as fact. "You're judgmental." Nothing is worse than being judgmental. You can slaughter innocent children... Don't be judgmental.
I can't win that argument. "You're being very judgmental. It's not right to fight people, just because they're trying to torture and rape you. Eating dinner while gouging out eyes. That's just what they do. Slicing off limbs is Gazan culture. You shouldn't judge." (pause to see if people leave- know the audience to see if the sarcasm catches them here)

Raid on Entebbe. Our fault. "Why do you think that happened? Because Jews were on the flight. Jews aren't flying, that's not happening." 
They’re even mad at the Iron dome. "The patriots?! And you say Israel isn’t shooting missiles?!" "They're shooting those patriots all the time. Daily." “You remember when it was so much easier to kill the Jews.” “I miss those days. Didn't have to drain resources.” "And now they're making a big stink about hostages... Who cares? They're Jewish. Exactly." Now that's better comedy. Not as dark.

If you're not laughing, it's because of Bibi.
I don't mean to offend. I don't think rape is fine. I might be wrong here. But I don't associate with the feminist movement.

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways. And check out next Stand-up Transcript for more on death tolls and how Jews are the reason for everything, including the bad Easter chocolate eggs that come with nothing on the inside. And the reason kids choke on toys when eating Kinder.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the Siddur holders at shul and people who love Israel, while supporting the idea of Jews not being happy with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new diet technique of using a spoon that is too small to hold food.

It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians. 
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass.
We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. 
We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem.

BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass
Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them.

Act
Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem.
This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill.

Problem
a) People do not share.
b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too.
c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up.
d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work.
e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible.
In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers.
e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism.  
f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain.
Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One.

Solution
a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest.
b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers.
I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down.
c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops.
d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming.
e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up.
h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes.
i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail.
This will get the Temple rebuilt.

Backup Solution
More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City.

Everybody should be safe. And this war should end soon. Israel should be surrounded by peace. And all evil wiped out from this world. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my lack of support for people wanting to kill Jews.
With that in mind, I've seen the resilience of our people, and how they have not let bomb shelters slow them down, or bring them down. They have done this by keeping active. Here are some activities I've seen our people doing in the bomb shelters and other ideas to help you get by.

Sing. Singing is a great activity. And bomb shelters have great acoustics. If there's one really good bomb shelter feature, it's that you sound real good. Better than you do in a shower. Which is why bomb shelters never have areas to bathe.
Don't stop singing for anything. Siren, bomb, not showering for three days, sing. When bombs are hurled at your home, you celebrate. Ballistic missiles fired at you should not stop a decent Niggun. 
That family that lost their house was still singing. Dad was sitting at his piano. He didn't even realize the place blew up. Why? He was singing.
"Acheinu" is quite meditative. You get into that on your piano, you don't realize you've been hit. You get into a NayNayNay trance, you don't hear the bomb going off in the kitchen. 

Kabbalat Shabbat. You're there anyways. You have another chance to sing. Go for it.

Schoolwork. The bomb shelter is where your kids have to do schoolwork. I can assure you that school is out. Any excuse to cancel school, it will happen. Teachers have a chance to not have to teach your kids, they will not teach your kids. Epidemics, war, price of cottage cheese going up, school is out. Weather outside over eighty degrees Fahrenheit school is out. Hence, school is out for the summer too. This is why a lot of people who grew up in the Southern United States are not well educated.
Teachers love epidemics and wars. They don't even hear war. They hear Zoom and sunbathing. 

Fight with your siblings. That's a good activity. Something to do. 
Board games are also fun. That will lead to a fight.

Sleep. Try to sleep. You may need to ask the kids to leave the bomb shelter for this to happen.

Post on social media. Do not miss a chance to look good online. Bomb shelter pictures will get some likes. Ma'amad family portraits makes the bombings worth it. Just make sure you're all smiling. Nobody wants to see bunker selfies with you looking all down.
​You won't get as many likes as you did for your family vacation pictures in the Bahamas, swimming. But people will like it. 
I'm getting the feeling that giving a thumbs up to some of the bomb shelter posts is giving people the wrong idea. When scrolling posts, I am going to start giving that heart hugger.

Community bomb shelters can be fun. Fart and then look at people's faces. I am sorry. I had to. I'm just throwing out ideas to bring some joy to the bomb shelter living.
Or just look at people's faces after having to smell you. This is most fun when in a bomb shelter for a few days.

Family bonding. Another way of saying the kids are fighting.

Pray. Pray a lot. Tehillim is always good. As long as it's Hebrew and you don't understand it.
Nachlaot in Jerusalem learned from previous Intifadas. They found themselves Davening in a bomb shelter and decided to make it their shul.

Dance. Jews seem to like dancing in these shelters. If you're in a bomb shelter, party.
We're always dancing. Bombings, bomb shelters, football matches, on flights, army bases, in tanks, middle of attacks, we are dancing. House blows up, we're dancing. Singing and dancing.
Maybe we should slow down on the dancing. People are getting the wrong idea from much of what everybody's posting. They see everybody singing and dancing in the bomb shelters and they think we love it. Israel loves getting shelled. For world opinion, we need to be in there crying, not singing the "We Will Not Fear" song. Especially with that happy jump dance they do everywhere.
Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. 
Iran is saying, “What have we done? Look. They’re loving it.”
Dance. Just don't post it. We look like a messed up society of people who love having rockets aimed at us. 
Point is, enjoy every moment. Just don’t let other people know we’re a happy people. Nobody supports happy people. Happy people are aggressors.

In one bomb shelter they had a unicycle, guy on a tightrope and a woman flipping trapeze style. Bomb shelter carnivals are generally a bit much for most Ma'amads. Some outside activities are not meant to be done in ten square foot settings with eighty people. Juggling fire is one of them. But they did it.
Point is, do not let war get in the way of your fun. 
Workout. That's what my nephew is doing. Forget about war, he's worried he might lose some mass. It’s what the bombs are going to do to his bench press.
We’ve truly got to slow down on the fun. At least posting it. These Jew haters around the world truly think we love getting bombed.

Give a Shiur. That's a great way to end the party.
Talk politics. That's even a better way to end a party.
Share your opinions. That's a much better way to end a party. That will get everybody mad. 
Shares memes of Bibi and the Ayatollah. 

Answer the phone. The in-laws will keep you active, answering the phone a good three times an hour. They will help keep your mind off the attacks by asking you if bombs are going off in your building.
They're worried in America. They want to know you're also having an anxiety attack.
Get your mind off what’s going on in Israel and your bunker living, and focus on the people who are truly suffering right now. Your in-laws in America didn’t sleep last night. Think about them and what they're going through, sitting in their home, watching Fox. 
Side note. It would be appreciated if Fox News only showed the Israelis dancing in the bomb shelters, for the in-laws.

News. Watch the news to remind yourself that they're shooting at you. Just in case you haven't heard from the in-laws in a few hours.

Start a sit in. If you're in the bomb shelter long enough, you're already doing it. Give it a cause. Maybe say you're protesting teachers who don't work. 

I love that our people keep happy no matter what. Keep on dancing. Maybe just don't post it.
Don't post everything on social media. With all the singing, dancing and acrobatics, people are starting to think we enjoy being locked up in a shelter. Like we're enjoying the missiles and shrapnel aimed right at us. We have to make things look worse. Otherwise, world opinion will never be on our side.
We have to find a way to make it look like we don't enjoy running to bomb shelters.

And sing some more. It keeps people from sleeping. 
I hope this will help you bring more happiness and joy to your bomb shelter.
Whatever the case, we've got to start recording in these Ma'amads. With the acoustics, great sound. 

***Please note. The Kibbitzer Magazine takes no responsibility for David and his messed up ideas. We received one response from a concerned reader. It read: "Enjoying the bomb shelter???! What is wrong with this guy? Is he an idiot?! I understand a piano and a good 'Acheinu,' but dance parties?!" David's response was, "They look like a lot of fun and a good place Daven."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the shul trying to raise money, and Shwarma made by Yashki, while waking people who are trying to sleep at Costco with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his concern about people getting too excited, burning themselves, instead of waiting for sunflower seeds.

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.