​BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk.

Act
The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves.

Problem
a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle.
b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go.
The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. 
c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves.
d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim.
e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest.
g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’
h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then.
i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality.
j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids.

Solution
a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic.
b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. 
c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic.
d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech.
e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. 
f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic.
g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other.
h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.'

When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day. 
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people.
Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester.

​Eat Fast
​Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast.
The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster.

Don't Talk
I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is.

Use Two Plates
Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables.

All Courses Are Meat
Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat.
Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat.

Bring Dessert for the Table
​I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique.
You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it.
Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food.
Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well.

There Are Other People
They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this.
Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that.

Take Food with You
You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. 
You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child.
For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. 
That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. 

​It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now.
Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.

Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel.

Never Purchase Falafel
Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me.

Stick to Pita
I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel.

Do Not Ask for Falafel
They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns.
If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out.
And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita.

Purchase Half a Pita
If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day.
Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well.  You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it.
The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick.

Stand By the Salads- The Salatim
First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money.
Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability.

Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living.
Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Zoom meetings with people wearing masks, Turkish coffee and pantries on front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at people trying to feed the poor.

Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'

Diaspora Happened
Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land.
Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement.

What's A Date
Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town.
Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then.

It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way."
As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell).

Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts.

Apricots Become Popular in Europe
Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat.

In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive.
Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying).

Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.'
But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees.
And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts.
They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2.

The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous.

There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.'

Other Notes on the Holiday
Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew.
Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel.

Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach.

Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat.

It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.

My first time I went out in Israel it was for a drink. Me and a bunch of guys from the Yeshiva went out for a Lchaim. It was a Thursday night and we went for a beer. In Israel, Thursday nights are like Saturday nights, and I like that. It's better to bring a hangover to shul than work.
That first night out might have been a spiritual experience. I don't remember what happened. Though, it was Israel, so it was a holy night out drinking at the bars. I was new to the Yeshiva experience and I was good at it.

Once the High Holidays came, the spiritual experience of partying in Israel changed. Thursday night after Rosh Hashana, my friend Yanky said, 'Let's go out tonight.' So, I went.
You don't argue with Yanky, unless if you want a heated debate. He was a second year guy in the Yeshiva and he already learned how to scream at people when learning Gemara. Yanky was masterful at yelling at his Chavrusa, learning partner, which meant he knew what he was talking about. The more you reproach your Chavrusa, the better learner you are.
Being a Chavrusa to Yanky was an honor that very few had. He was the perfect Chavrusa for learning Gemara Baba Kama. No other Chavrusa had the ability to make you feel like you were being scolded and abused while learning the laws of damages.

We went up north. I thought we were going out. I didn't realize that meant a two hour drive.
Going up north in Israel is a spiritual experience, as roads are windy and not lit, and you're dependent on Gd to not get hit by the falling rock. There was a sign that read 'Falling Rock,' which kind of scared me, as that meant rocks were falling right now. Adding to the spirituality of Israel, I said my first prayer at that moment.
Not fully understanding the excitement of going up north, we ended up at the Rambam's grave-site, and Yanky started to scare me. I thought we were going out to party, and we were now at the graves of Tzadikim (righteous people).
I had no idea what to think. I thought I might've joined a Yeshiva full of hedonists, who have some kind of grave-site rituals. Maybe it was part of the Yeshiva hazing process, where they tell you about righteous rabbis and then leave you in the graveyard to get eaten by ghosts. I was scared.
And then the good times started to role. After the Rambam's Kever, we hit the graves of a few more rabbi's and even a prophet are two. We prayed. We had rugalach. We drank schnapps. And since then, going out has never been the same.

The coolest thing of all. We prayed. We drank and prayed. And I got back to Yeshiva alive. And I was scared to talk to Yanky for a month and a half after that.

Since that night out with Yanky, my life has changed. Now I know what going out means in the Frum world.

Follow Up Notes
It's a new form of partying I've taken on. That's how us religious people do it. What am I doing later tonight? I'm going up north and hitting some Kevers. It's just good times. The rabbis who have passed, Z"L, are what makes for the Thursday night experience.
Last time we hit the Kever of the Rambam. Then we popped over to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. We even headed to Yonatan Ben Uziel. On the way back we stopped off at Rabbi Meir Bal HaNes. We got back to Jerusalem right when the bars were closing. Amazing. And we got free rugalach.
Rugalach is the backbone of all Jewish events in Israel. And when its free, it's a real Simcha.

Now I get excited to see dead people and take down a few. And I understand why Yahrzeit candles come in shot glasses.
Can't wait to hit the Ari's Kever this Thursday night. It's going to be dope. Hit the grave and then go for a dunk in the cold bath. The Frum people call it a Mikvah.

I used to do baseball tours. I now see there are Gedolim (important rabbis) that are buried all over the world. I'm going to definitely do a Kever tour of Europe. I think I'll enjoy seeing the graves more than the anti-Semites.

How do I know who the more important rebbes are? I judge by the size of the hole by their grave. The bigger the rebbe the bigger the pit at his Kever. This allows for more notes to be tossed in. Though, older rabbis and righteous ancestors don't have note pits. In the 1200s, people didn't walk around with pens and Post-its.
There are also more candles at holy Kevers of ancient rabbis. Tea lights also represent the holiness of our sages. The more tea lights the holier the sage. I'm still trying to figure out who the better rabbis are. It's very confusing. The Rambam's Kever doesn't have a tea light focus. Due to that, the Rambam's Kever is not a top party destination.

ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford.
•Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe.

ART & ENTERTAINMENT
•A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need  Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah.
•The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce.
Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett.
•The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist.

JEWISH
•Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. 
•Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach.
•The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike.

ISRAEL POLITICS
•Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism.
•Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons.

ISRAEL INNOVATION
•Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had.
And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice).
Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules.

ANTISEMITISM
Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around.
•Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.'
Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning.

SPORTS
•No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports.
Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.'
•Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Parshat Chayei Sarah and good times at graves in Israel, the board games of Israel, and how people at David's shul will do anything to park in a handicap spot, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the congregants, and the amazing Israeli board games that teach our children that you need another person to play the game with.

BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October

Act
Force people to work on work days.

Problem
Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot.
a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity.
b) They just got off summer vacation. 
​c) How do they have sick days too?
d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October.
e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too.
f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October.
g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday.

Solution
Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday.
a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month.
b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working.
c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam.
d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. 
e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September.
f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me.
g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot.
h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation.
i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too.
j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation. 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to our trip to the Jewish Homeland, Rosh Hashana, and Israel's commitment to cats, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he isn't willing to donate money, even when the nonprofit gives him a calendar.

I said goodbye to my parents. They thought they were losing a son. They weren't losing me. I just wasn't going to see them anymore. 
My mom said I wouldn't call, but I told her that I have to. Kibud Av vEim is a Mitzvah, as I explained to my Mom that I would call her because God said I have to. So, she accepted God. She now liked God, and I did my part in Kiruv (bringing a Jew closer to Yiddishkeit- Judaism- I will explain every word, as I want you to also become religious).
​
​The flight was to Israel for Yeshiva. My parents wanted to know why I gave up. They assumed that giving up a steady job as an industrial engineer is not normal. They thought that it made no sense to give up a six-figure contract that was set for the next eight years. They've never been to Jerusalem. I told them, 'Torah.' It was then that they knew Torah was an excuse to not work. And I love Torah.
I made the flight on time. It was the first of many miracles. I was late. Saying goodbye to my parents took way too long. They never learned about Bitul Zman (wasting time from Torah). 
The greatest miracle was that half of the passengers on the plane were late. I am assuming that the pilots know it takes a long time to explain to your family that you are giving up your job for connection with God.
 
I got on the plane and sat next to a tiny human, called a child. Another great miracle. I had space. Then, a religious woman wanted to change seats with me. Not a miracle. That was my first test. As Avraham had ten tests, God was testing me as well (I don't say Lord, as I am not catholic- I am Jewish and thus I refer to God). Giving up a good seat on the plane was my first.
She said she wanted to sit next to her husband. She said it was my duty as a religious Jew to let her sit next to her husband. I had not yet learned that Mitzvah. But I was looking forward to learning about it in Yeshiva.
As I changed seats, I realized she just didn't want to have to sit next to a huge guy who insisted on lifting up the armrest, so he could have enough room to fit. She wanted more space. Maybe it's a Mitzvah to give people space. I don't know. I believe they bought separate seats, because there was one aisle seat, and there was no seat next to that aisle seat. And her husband wasn't going to not take the aisle seat. The huge guy, I ended up next to, taught me about the word finagle, as he was whacking me with his elbow and sweating on me.

There was no food on the first leg of the flight. The rabbi at shul didn't teach me that you have to order Kosher food, and then call to make sure they have your Kosher food, and then to check again to make sure they know, and then to explain that you really need a separate meal that is Kosher. I thought you just tell them you want Kosher and check the Kosher box, and then you'll get it. I hope the Gemara has a lesson on how many times you have to call the airline to make sure you have a Kosher meal.
On the second leg, another miracle occurred. I got food. The airline didn't have my name on the food list. But they had the name of the woman I gave my seat to. The next thing I know, they had an extra meal for me, and my name was Malkie. Then, I got another meal. Somebody said they didn't trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision). I began to respect people who are Machmir (stringent), and don't trust other rabbis, and I had food.
Another miracle. The dinner was only enough food for a snack, and it lasted the whole flight. I am on my way to Israel and I am experiencing all the great miracles of our people. I told myself at that time that I would eat every day, to commemorate the little food that lasted the whole flight. I also committed to eating more than the chicken sliver strip if I was ever going to be Fleishiks again (Fleishiks means I meat, and once I eat meat I have to wait six hours to eat dairy- which is why Jews don't eat meat for breakfast, and why I will never eat meat before 8pm).
The greatest miracle of all. I fell asleep on the huge guy's chest. The little space I had on the plane, was enough to sleep for one night. And to this day, I commemorate that with sleeping. Judaism is about commemorating. I commemorate the oil that lasted eight days, the freedom from Haman, and being able to sleep in discomfort.

When I disembarked, I made it through security. That was a miracle, as I was smuggling in a lot of deodorant. B"H they didn't ask me.
It was God's hand involved in my trip. The Mitzvah of giving up my seat so that somebody else could enjoy the flight. The food that lasted me the whole flight. The not feeling bad about my parents crying as I left.
And the most amazing miracle of all. As I entered Israel, they all welcomed me. I don't know what they said. It was Hebrew. But they welcomed me in the holy language of the Torah. Such a Kiddish H.' Only in Israel do they speak Hebrew. In Israel, Brooklyn, and hotels around the world on Pesach. But they speak Hebrew in Israel too. And they welcomed me, 'Bruchim HaBaim HaBayta.' As I learned later, 'Welcome home.' With all the sad goodbyes, I was home. My belongings weren't there and I had to share a bunk bed with a thirty year old man, but I was home. And I told my non-religious parents I was home, and they weren't happy. And my mom doesn't like God that much right now.

My luggage wasn't there. Yet, they said you can live without your luggage. Only in Israel, the Holy Land, does one not need such physical Gashmiyus, like your belongings. You only need your Neshama and Tzitzis (which I was wearing).

When we stepped out of the airport, I was told to kiss the holy ground. Only in Israel is the ground so clean that you can kiss it.
Ten days later, my luggage came. Another miracle.

Follow Up Notes
I don't believe the holy ground was swept. I did take in a dust ball as I kissed the holy land.
​I still haven't called my mom. Nonetheless. I'm learning. ​If I ever get reception in Yeshiva, that will be another huge miracle. My mom will appreciate that miracle. Right now, she doesn't like God or Golan Telecom very much.
In Yeshiva, we learn in Aramaic. I understand none of it. I still can't tell you if it's a Mitzvah to give up your seat on the plane for somebody who wants a better seat. I am now saving up for a first-class ticket. I don't believe they ask you to do Mitzvahs in first class.
I understand that this story is inspirational. It has inspired many in their journey towards being good Jews. 

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.

Sound Angry
They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry.  The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy.
Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word.
Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety.

Ehhhh
Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation.
To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes.

Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows
I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. 
It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk.

Welcome People with a Command
When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it.
The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups.  Very scary.
Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer.

Hello is a Competition
Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost.
Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!'

Command Your Kindness
This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming.
You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, ​'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. 
Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more.

Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English
Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.'

Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There
This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. 
​Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.'
LincoLon. That was the presidentie.

Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong
Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong.
Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them.
You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong.

​Don't Sound American
Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. 
If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off.

We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly.

Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.

INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street

Act
To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block.

Problem
I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time.
a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street.
b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point.

Solution
One street name per street.
a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim.
School will be used to educate the children.
b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic.
c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot.
d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple.
We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it.
e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds.

A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street.

The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk.

Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.'

A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.'
​They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma.
The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.'

Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. 
More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.'

The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah.

And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.'
Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. 
Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel.

And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss.

How did staying up all night become a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day? That is a good question.

The first people who stayed up all night on Yom Yerushalayim were those devout students who came to learn Torah in Israel in 1967. They thought it was Shavuot. Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day of the holidays that Jews celebrate in the Diaspora, had them all discombobulated (a term used a lot in the 1960s). They heard there was a holiday at the end of the Omer, and they thought to celebrate Shavuot the right way, staying up all night and going to the Kotel.
The rabbis caught the devout pupils and let them know that Shavuot is a week away, and that they miscounted the Omer. One of the pupils responded, 'We lost count of the Omer weeks ago.' The other Talmid said, 'I stopped counting with a Bracha after the second day.' And the rabbis knew they had done a good job with these Talmidim.
When these trailblazers of the late ‘60s noticed all the religious Jerusalemite Jews driving, they understood that their rabbis were correct even though they speak English, and it wasn't a Torah holiday. First, they questioned if the Jews were in their cars to flee the war, but the Six Day War had ended. That was another argument. Some people thought it was a six-year war. The military insisted that it was called the Six Day War because they stopped fighting after six days. The political arguments and fighting in the Knesset lasted six years, causing for the confusion.

Dumbfounded Students
The students still didn't understand. The pupils asked what the day was, and the rabbis told them it was a day to celebrate the reunification of Jerusalem. The students didn’t understand, as Jerusalem was already unified. They argued that they could go anywhere in the city. The Yeshiva students were forced to learn about the military and what history is, and thus became heretics.
Discussions of how long two thousand years is took place. That got nowhere, as the Jewish people decided to agree to disagree.
The Talmidim were still trying to figure out why there was another Aliyah LaRegel, going up to Jerusalem for the holiday, if this wasn't a Regel. Yet, the rabbis said, ‘This is a holiday, and Jerusalem is part of the name. So, you go up to Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Jerusalem.’ The students didn’t know how to take this. To quote Menachem, 'Rabbi. There are so many holidays in the Torah. I've already lost my last three jobs due to holidays. I don't think I can take more days off for another holiday.' So, the rabbis all agreed that you can shower on Yom Yerushalayim. The rabbis also declared that you can work on this day, which is why nobody works on Yom Yerushalayim.

The Rabbis Insisted
The rabbis explained that it's because of this day that we can go up to Jerusalem for the holidays, so they insisted on the holiday. And the rabbis started to give speeches till late at night, at Merkaz HaRav, to continue to convince people that this is an important day. Thus, every year, we start Yom Yerushalayim by listening to speeches by rabbis at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav; the people need to be re-convinced every year that Yom Yerushalayim is an important day.
The students were confused by having to listen to rabbis. To quote Menachem again, 'This feels like Shavuot.' So, they decided to be safe and to stay up all night, like on Shavuot, and go to the Kotel. They didn't learn. Though, it was still very meaningful as they stayed up all night.
The students still had questions. 'How is it a holiday if we can shower?' The rabbis had no answer. They just knew how bad the people smelled from walking to the Kotel, and they didn't want to have to deal with students coming up to ask questions, smelling real bad. The rabbis then reiterated the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of going to the Kotel, and 'you can't shower at the Kotel washing stations, as the basins are too small to bathe in.'

Arguments of Tradition Continue
It turned out that walking was big in the '90s and started to die out in the early 2000s, until 2018 when Jewish people thought that it would be a great tradition to walk to the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, to show their love for Jerusalem and to get in steps.
Health is very important. To quote the mayor, 'Obesity is the new war of Jerusalem.' Everybody hates that mayor for being the cause of baked falafel balls. As they used to walk from Merkaz HaRav, larger groups started walking from the entrance of the city to the Kotel. And the tradition thus remains of walking to the Kotel on the night of Yom Yerushalayim, as the traffic is too bad to take a car.

Why Not Sleep?
Ever tried sleeping at the Kotel?! Staying up all night began once they realized how uncomfortable it is to sleep on Jerusalem Stone. 
I once heard of a man falling asleep on Jerusalem Stone, at which point they started the tradition of thousands of Zionistic Yeshiva kids dancing all night. They even started bringing bands. You can't sleep through that. They take out flags. Bands are playing. It's Gezel Sheyna (stealing sleep), and stealing sleep is forbidden. 

Why Not Go Home?
The dancing would go till 3am, at which point there’s no way for these kids to get home. Nobody thought that part out. Thus, you have the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of staying up all night at the Kotel and homeless shelters in Jerusalem.
There were heretics who claimed that staying at the Kotel all night was not important. Once the deniers of all night Kotel staying got the Kotel, they realized that they left their cars at the entrance of the city.  To quote Shmulik, who proclaimed that deniers should also keep the tradition, 'That's too far.'
When they noticed it was after midnight, and the streets were closed, due to people walking, they had no idea what to do. They couldn't catch a cab, so they decided to stay at the Kotel.

Kids Stay Out This Late
The kids who got caught in the flow of the dancing stayed out all night and realized their parents didn't care. Which is how underage drinking became a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim. It took the rabbis much convincing to get their pupils to not read the Megillah on Yom Yerushalayim.

Now there are thousands of Jews staying up all night at the Kotel on Erev Yom Yerhsalayim, and nobody showers.

Next year we will discuss the history of the Yom Yerushalayim Flag March and the flag shortage of 2013.

Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, is here and I want to take you to the some of my favorite spots outside the Old City, going towards the entrance of town. I love it all. The history. The immigrants. The movies with Hebrew subtitles. The ancient passport looking thing that pops up at the beginning of the movies. I love it all. In honor of Jerusalem Day, let's connect with some of the places I love in the new Holy City.
 
Tachana Merkazit
Jerusalem is about tradition and that is Jerusalem’s central bus station, the Tachana Merkazit. They have not cleaned it since 1998. You think your favorite store in Israel closed. It's at the Tachana Merkazit; keeping Israeli tradition alive with the chicken-dog hotdog stand and the Tshirt store that sells Tshirts with no thread count. One-time-use only clothing, sold along with disposable plates.
The safest place in the city, you'll also notice the extra security setup, to ensure that you miss your bus. Allowing you to enjoy Jerusalem longer.
 
Light Rail
I love the new tram and any form of transportation I don’t have to pay for, if I don’t get caught.
 
Shuk Machane Yehuda
Prices shouted out loud, I love shopping there. There's no greater feeling than a retailer letting me know what to purchase,  by yelling at me. In America, I'm thinking too much, wasting time. I have no idea what vegetable I want. In the Shuk market, they scream at me, I am scared, I buy it. And I'm back home in no time with avocados.
 
Nut Shops
Any nut spot. Open nut stands. I'm taking that stuff for free. If you don’t ask, it’s free. There's nothing like the huge peanuts and sunflower seeds. Israel has mastered making sunflower seeds that easily pop out, making for great Shabbat enjoyment. The greatest part of all is that you can spit them out anywhere in the Shuk.
 
Machane Yehuda Bars
There's nothing like evening time at Machane Yehuda, when the place turns into one big bar that you're walking through. The only place where it's legal to drink on the street, because the bar is located there. 

Meah Shearim
The streets are thriving. Jewish bookstores are everywhere. I didn’t know so much Judaica could exist. Growing up in Rochester, I thought the glass showcase at the shul was all the Judaica. I didn’t know there was anything more to Jewish art than a Mezuzah in Claymation form.
The area is the most lively in the city. Religion in living form. You can feel the hustle, the constant movement, the excitement of people running to find choolent. Choolent twenty-four hours a day. In Meah Shearim, it's Shabbis all week long. It's like Monsey.
 
Pizza Uri
Better than Pizza Hut, this place has the ultra-Orthodox Pizza sauce, and they created it. There is nothing like Charedi sauce, and I'm willing to buy pizza to get it.
Charedi sauce is a spicy mayonnaise style dunking sauce for the pizza that adds all of the flavor and makes you believe in God. To change Israeli pizza into something that tastes good is a miracle. In addition, Pizza Uri offers separate seating, so I don’t have to worry about spilling the sauce on myself. Amazing.
 
Ben Yehuda
A little taste of Israel, if Israelis were American Yeshiva kids. Nothing makes me more excited than walking down a huge sidewalk.
Some call it a promenade. I just think of it as a place that cars should not be driving down, because it's illegal. They should have a sign, 'This is a very big sidewalk. We messed up the flow of traffic when we planned this. Don't drive here. Go wait at the light with all the other cars.'
 
Café Rimon
Everything else may leave Ben Yehuda, Café Rimon and the one hat store on the top will not. Tradition.
 
The Falafel King
I love the name. The sovereignty it claims over its pita. The Shawarma Sultan, The Sabich Ruler, I love restaurants that claim dictatorship.
It's still only 10 shekels or so for a falafel, as low prices is how you control the commoners.
 
The Dollar Store
I love that all products are five shekels. In The Dollar Store, the dollar went up before the American Dollar Tree ever though to raise the dollar to a buck twenty-five. The Dollar Store gives me hope. That is the best rate you will get.
 
Off The Wall Comedy Theater
I perform there. No better time found in all of Jerusalem. Now located at the King Solomon Hotel.

The Sidewalks
I love it all. I love walking down the sidewalks made of Jerusalem stone, in the spring, when I don’t slip on them. Then, I see the homes made of Jerusalem Stone. I love how our city claimed limestone as ours, scientifically.
Yes. I love the whole city. It all looks the same. You love one neighborhood, you love them all.

I love anywhere in Jerusalem that has Jerusalem Stone. If there is falafel, there is tradition. To me, that's meaningful. It's the meaning of Jerusalem, the connection with our tradition and Tshirts that come apart when I wash them, that I connect with on Jerusalem Day.
I hope that you feel like you're in Jerusalem right now, or Monsey.

​Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good.
Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives.  Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats.
Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period.
 
Immigrant by Clothes
Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:

• Polo symbol on shirt – 1985
• Tommy Hilfiger – 1996
• Girbaud sign on jeans – 1993
• Shoulder pads – any year in the 1980s
• ACDC shirt – 1979
• iPod shuffle on sleeve – 2008
• Bell-bottoms – 1971 or 2006
• Corduroy – hand-me-downs from any decade
• Parachute pants – Fan of Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer. I don't believe that style lasted a full year.
• Jean skirt – 1980s or girl who is still in seminary
• Members Only jacket – 1987
• Free Soviet Jewry scarf – 1987 with style
• Jerusalem No for Sale Tshirt – 1988
• Non-ironed shirt with fraying collar – 2003 or boy who is still in yeshiva
• Anything you have to iron – pre-1998
• Breeches – 1490-1920 or you moved from England.
• Turban – 1200s or friend of the Rambam
• Spandex – Girl living in 2010 and on that is not Frum, or a big fan of aerobics in the 1980s. 
• Leg Warmers – 1980s die hard aerobics fan.
• Pants that are really tight and not breeches – Still living in New York
• Anything brought to a cleaners, to make sure it is spick and span – not an Oleh (that person still lives in America)
• Double-breasted suit – 1986-1991 or a hand-me-down that the Oleh cannot figure out how to button right.
• Paisley Anything – From dad, or something the Salvation Army rejected.
• Nefesh BNefesh shirt – 2001 and on. Cannot tell the year, as the shirt is free. Prior Olim may also wear the shirt, as they have shown up to the Nefesh BNefesh office and explained that the grandfather clause allows them rights to the T-shirt. 
• Hand-me-downs – Complicate the Aliyah equation. They surpass all style, as they are cheaper, and thus part of the Oleh wardrobe. Personally, I have thirty-two sports jackets in Israel. I have not purchased one of them. All hand-me-downs, and I will not donate one of them. Dates of hand-me-downs can be up to seventy years off the Oleh's Aliyah year. For this reason, if you have any questions as to whether or not it's a hand-me-down, try to do get a hold of their Oleh ID card.

As may be seen, all 1980s styles lasted the whole decade. For this reason, we just say that most Olim that made Aliyah in the 1980s made Aliyah in the '80s. It's too hard to tell which year the jean skirt is from. To make it more confusing, some Members Only Jackets were made in 1984. So, we just say 'they made Aliyah in the '80s.'
​
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs.
Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class.

Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration? 
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. 

Salt Water
You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there.
If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land.

Go to the Park
The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house.

Play Football on a Basketball Court
Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal.
Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics.
 
Skip Work
No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord.

Wave Israeli Flags
Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political.
If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there.
If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety.

Sit in Traffic
You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour.
Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper.
 
Israeli Dancing
The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community.
Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence.

For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home
I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak.
If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent.

Shpritz People With Stuff
Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. 
Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well.
The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids.
 
Say Hallel
If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this.

Vote
Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it.
Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much.

Eat Falafel
Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day.
Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel.

If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for decorum in the Holy Land.

Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.