Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
​
Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

This Yom HaAtzmaut, I want to help. Israel Independence Day is coming and many Olim have no idea how to sell their Aliyah story, and to look good telling it. I’ve heard your stories. They’re bad. All you have is Nefesh BNefesh to blame. They didn’t educate you on the retelling of your Aliyah. There is no Haggadah for your move to the Holy Land.
Moving to Israel is a beautiful thing. A Mitzvah. You should be proud and honored to be with our nation. But there are critics out there. People who make a decent living, known as Americans. And they will test you.

Aliyah Is About Moving to Israel
We must be clear about this. We're talking about Israel. The Holy Land. The land of our people. Not Florida. Though Florida is the desired homeland that Gd chose for our people, nobody asks why people moved to Florida. Nobody is asking for an inspirational story about their gated community and how they saved on taxes. Nobody needs to know why they moved for safety, or the spiritual essence of walking through a golf course to shul.
Everybody understands why a Jew moves to Florida. You moved to Israel. Jews can't explain that. Boca Raton is reasonable. Why a Jew would move to Jerusalem, that you have to explain. 

What People Don't Want to Hear
Your story. Nobody wants to hear your story.
“I moved to Israel to be with my nation.” Who says that?! Nobody cares. "Peoplehood"?! Blah Blah Blah. Boohoo. You've lost your audience. How much does that pay. That's what people want to know. How much do they pay for living in the Jewish homeland.
Your story is pathetic. “Living in the land of our ancestors.” Nobody respects that. "The shekel is doing good." Now that's a reason. 
You've got to sound interesting. Pitch your Aliyah right. Spice it up. And never tell an American you thought it was a good idea. Since when is being with your people a good idea. Ever been to shul?! You say stuff like this at the Shabbat table, you will have no friends.

My Real Story- What Not To Tell
People used to hate me. Why? Because I told my Aliyah story. I would say stuff like, ​"I moved because it's a Mitzvah to live in Israel." They hear that, they think I'm a heretic. A Jew who doesn't believe in the Torah. If you want to live somewhere to do Mitzvahs, you move to Monsey. Teaneck. Kiriyas Yoel.
"Kodak closed. I wanted to get out of Rochester before they started blaming that on the Jews." I tell people that, they're asking me if Rochester is in Europe.
Nothing inspirational about my story. And that is why I don't tell my story.
Every Oleh has a story that didn't happen to them. You have to find yours. Your Aliyah story of inspiration and lack of employment. 
And do not use the "Mamdani became mayor" or "Obama and Biden were in office" Aliyah. Too many people have that story already. You want to be unique.
 
The Story of Connection Technique
This is how I talk about Aliyah now. "I made Aliyah of necessity to be awake, to be aware, to be of the people who need life to hit them in the face. Life is not always easy in Israel, but I am of the Olim, I made that change. I am of the Olim who did not want to leave my family. I am of the Olim whose heart yearns for connection to America. Yet, my soul yearns for a connection to my people. Growing up in Uganda, in an upper middle class family, I felt that connection. Of the nation of Israel. I came to settle the land, as in the Bible. I come to build the Homeland. A Chalutz. A pioneer of the year 2003. I am of the Olim who is part of a nation. I am of the tribe of Aliyah."
Strong ending to that Aliyah story. Beautifully self-righteous and vague. In other words, poetry. That's how experienced Olim speak. "Of the." How many times did I use "of the"? No idea. Employ it. "Of the" is inspired.
You see what I did?! You have to be the story of the Jewish people. Biblical. Do not be the story of yourself. Use the word "Bible." Bible works better than saying Torah. It's more inspiring. You inspire people like that. Now, they're coming to you for spiritual advice, and that's how you make money in Jerusalem.
They asked why I moved to Israel. I gave no answer. I diatribed about Jewish people. Somehow, I became a Chalutz. A pioneer who made the trek to Israel on EL AL flight LY26 from Newark. With an aisle seat.
"Uganda" in there. Brilliance. I've never been to Uganda. Now, I'm interesting.
If you're not as poetic as me, you need to go metaphysical. Add in something about your connection to Gd. Something about how Gd spoke to you.
 
Rabbi Yosef Karo - The Voice From Heaven Method
So brilliant. A Bat Kol, "a voice from heaven," told him to move to Israel. And that's why people respect Rabbi Karo.​ He was learning Shavuot night, and a voice came to him and Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz, telling them to move to Israel. 
The voice wasn't a disgruntled congregant who wanted them out. Many rabbis have members telling them to get out. That story goes, "Your Torah isn't wanted here. Your sermons are too long. Go someplace they appreciate Gd. Like Israel."
Use Rabbi Yosef Karo's story. You tell them you moved to Israel because a voice from heaven told you, they'll believe you. Your family already thinks you're crazy. You move to Tzfat, like Rabbi Karo, they believe you more. You tell them you heard a voice in Tzfat, they're not asking questions. You moved to Tzfat.
The first time people asked him, Rabbi Karo said it was a Mitzvah. He got no response. After a good hundred or so people, he polished his Aliyah story. He worked in the Bat Kol. He honed his craft.

Package Your Story
Your story must be packaged around Gd, settlement, original pioneer, near-death, and Uganda.
You want your American friends to know you’re part of the country. A Chalutz. A pioneer who has fully integrated into Israeli society. Conviction. You're an Israeli who has fully embraced the culture and can't speak Hebrew. Whose job is still in America. Because you're Israeli, and Israelis work in America. An original pioneer of our people, of the year 2026, with a dental practice in America. You pay people to dig.
Let them know you’ve done the army. Sounds good. You wanted to do the army. That's good enough. Throw in a real spiritual, life-changing story, about almost death and how you were saved, and then you saw Gd and you got a raise. Spiritual.
Wait. Package it with a Bal Teshuva story. Say you were returning in penitence. You mix that story of seeing the Jewish light with moving to Tzfat, you’re gold.
The more self-righteous the story, the more people respect you. As such, it is very important to close the eyes when telling your Aliyah story. Right now, I'm typing with my eyes closed, for you.
 
Lessons
Make sure you have a good spiritual story and you tell it with your eyes closed. Chicks dig it. And people think you're closer to Gd when you can't see. And strum a guitar while you're telling your story. That adds effect.
The less sense it makes, the more spiritual it is. Don't forget to say "of the." Nobody knows what that means.
Always use the "voice from heaven" line. Maybe throw in an "Elijah the Prophet" approached you on Birthright segment. Eliyahu the Prophet adds dimension layer to the Chalutz story. Makes it more Biblical. It takes your Aliyah to the next level. Even Rav Yosef Karo didn't use the Elijah thing.
You're from New York, Los Angeles, Singapore. I don't care. Tell people you're from Uganda. Employ "Uganda," that's all you have to say. That's your story. "Why did you make Aliyah?" "Uganda." "We get it."

Now you know what to say when they invite you for Shabbat dinner. Don't be a party pooper and kill the environment with your story. Say you’re a pioneer with a near-death experience, who heard a voice from heaven in Uganda. And people will love you. You'll have friends.
Or just say you thought you were moving to Miami.

I hope this was educational. 
Much respect. Kol Hakavod on your Aliyah.

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Hatzalah cars that are made smaller so that people can save more lives and people trying to Daven at the Kotel, all while trying to push through crosswalk reform in Israel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of kids smoking a cigarette, trying to take down the institution of Chinuch (proper Jewish education).

Thank you David for spreading Torah and the idea of children smoking as something positive. Too many people judge that kind of thing.

This is the Jews in sports issue and thank Gd there are no swimsuits. No Jews in swimsuits issue. Nobody needs to see that.
Here is what we saw the past couple months in sports and at the Olympics.

The Deni Avdija Saga
Deni Avdija is now hated because he's good at basketball. Who didn't see this coming?!
So much social media hatred, because he’s good at a sport. This would never happen to anybody other than a Jew. "He's averaging twenty-eight points a game. I hate Syria!!!" And of course they’re saying, "Now the Jews are running the world and basketball!" And they're right. The NBA commissioner is Jewish. We have to agree with the Jew haters here.

Let's go off on the Israeli NBA star and his bad decisions. Like a fool, Deni suggested people not share strong opinions if they don't know anything about a topic. Not very American. Then he went on to say that if you're not educated on a subject, you shouldn't talk about it. So now he's suggesting college graduates not have opinions. Only an aggressor would share such an opinion.
What kind of American is this guy?! And you wonder why people hate Jews.
And then Deni tells The Athletic, "I obviously stand for my country, because that's where I'm from..." What???! Is this guy just totally anti-American?! What kind of American supports their country?! Americans know better than to support their people.
And then he thinks that when you’re playing a game, it’s not a time for politics. You drive to the basket, you take a layup, you say, "I hate my country." That’s what normal NBA players do. Deni’s probably one of those haters who wouldn’t have kneeled during the national anthem.
And worst of all, Israelis are proud of Deni Avdija. And you wonder why so many people hate him.

Deni Avdija is the first Israeli athlete to ever make it to the NBA All-Star game and Spike Lee shows up to the game wearing a fishnet pattern Kaffiyeh and Palestinian flags. And it has nothing to do with Deni Avdija. As Spike Lee made clear, it was in support of Israel. Pure happenstance that he’s fully clad in Yasser Arafat. 
Spike Lee wrote, "I didn't know Deni as the first Israeli born All-Star. He can ball. Now I do know. Live and learn.” And what Spike Lee has learned is how to get away with stuff by lying. You say you had no idea, and it’s fine. It works. “I stabbed my husband. I didn’t realize he cheated on me.” When putting out an anti-Semitic film, Spike didn’t know that Jewish people run Hollywood when he said “Jewish people run Hollywood.” Maybe our last statement here is anti-Semitic. We take it back. We did not know. 
What Mr. Lee definitely did learn is how to steal lines from G.I. Joe. I’m guessing he also doesn’t know that “Now I Know” is Sergeant Slaughter’s line. And we just learned that Mr. Lee is not Chinese.
And he continued, "Nor was it intended as a comment on the significance of Deni being an All-Star.” He only wore it because Anthony Edwards is from Atlanta.
Turns out, Deni thinks Spike Lee should not have an opinion. Because Spike Lee is an idiot.
It turns out Spike Lee has made many inflammatory statements over the years. Every one of them against Jews. But he did not know they were against Jews when he made them against Jews.
As our contributor, Shlomo said, "Spike Lee was just trying to do the right thing." As Spike Lee was clear that he has "utmost belief in human dignity for all humankind." As such Spike will be wearing an Israeli flag to Gaza. He will walk down the streets of Gaza City to let everybody know that Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people. Thus, we will not be seeing Spike Lee at next year’s NBA All-Star game.
 
And the Olympics Saga
On February seventh burglars stole passports, suitcases, shoes, and thousands of dollars' worth of specialized equipment from Israel's bobsled team. It turns out the boycott divestment people truly do like Israeli products. And since then, a new form of divestment has begun, where you steal the Israeli products. Kind of like a divestment investment in Israeli products campaign.
This took place at their Olympic training camp in the Czech Republic. But they didn't let not having their clothes and other personal items keep them down. And the team continued training immediately after, which pissed off everybody else at the hotel. Making it hard for people to get to their rooms and sleep. The hotel manager had to stop this, saying, "Please take your sled back to the room, and find some clothes."
The Swiss announcer called AJ Edelman, the bobsledder, "a Zionist," which translates to "genocide backer" in French. It turns out AJ Edelman can’t even do simple bobsledding without being accused of killing Arabs. I believe the Swiss announcer missed this part. But I think we saw AJ using his sled to try to hit a Palestinian, who was standing at the end of the run.

At least the sports announcers don't let their lack of knowledge on a subject get in the way of their opinions.
I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that with a Swiss announcer blaming our Israeli team for Hamas. “And he took the guy to the mat. The same way he killed everybody in Gaza. Like a human shield. And he's now leaving the arena. Going back into his tunnel.”

People who were competing against Jews competed in this Olympics. In judo competitions, and past Olympics, athletes refused to fight Israelis. This being the only time Arabs and Islamic Republic of Iran have refused violence against Jews in recorded history.

Jack Hughes scores the overtime goal to give America the win in the Olympics hockey finals. Hughes has a Jewish mother and Christian father. We'll take it. He’s Jewish. Aerin Frankel, goalie for the US women's hockey team, brings home the gold with three shutouts. And this is why people hate Jews. Now Jews run hockey too.
Jews have finally found a sport they are good at. A sport that takes no running or jumping. And mind you, this is ice hockey. Not floor hockey. Which means none of these athletes are Frum. They might beat Canada, but they would lose to TABC Yeshiva.
Turns out that once the British team heard Aerin was Jewish, they stopped shooting on goal and started to try to hit her.

Upon taking the gold, Jack Hughes said he was proud to be an American. Not again. Another Deni Avdija.
As if being a proud American is not enough, Jack Hughes went off, “When you get the chance to go to White House and meet the president, we're proud to be Americans, and that's so patriotic…” Oh. No. This is where the antisemitism starts. He wants to see the president. I have no idea what school he went to, but this is a poorly raised child. This is why you have to separate children from their parents. 
He didn’t stop there. He keeps going, “No matter what your views are, we're super excited to go to the White House tomorrow and be a part of that." So unAmerican. And you wonder why people want Jews out of America. Not living in Israel. Living in… Not living anywhere. We went through the list of countries that want Jews.
If we've learned anything as a people, athletes should not represent their country. Especially in the Olympics.
 
More Sports That Were Left Out of the New York Times
Maccabi Tel Aviv football fans aren’t allowed at Maccabi games in Birmingham, UK. Israeli teams are allowed to play, but they're not allowed to have their fans. They’re allowed to have the other teams’ fans. And sometimes the fans for the other teams do cheer for Israel. We did catch a few chants with Israel in it. One went, “Down with Israel.” And there was one that went, “Israel go to hell.”
Maccabi fans are allowed to show up at Manchester United games. They’re allowed to go to England to root for the other teams. To quote one Maccabi fan, “It felt very Zionistic rooting for Leeds.”
It comes down to safety. It turns out soccer is a very dangerous sport because of Jews. Jews getting attacked by mobs is extremely dangerous to onlookers. When chasing Jews with bats and knives, it has happened that innocent bystanders were hit by a chair that fell. And that can’t happen.

The boxing champion, Floyd Mayweather, shows to the Republican Coalition for Israel and says, "I will always stand behind the country of Israel." That's all it took. The man has Jewish fans for life. Apparently, he’s against the massacre of Jews. Not a popular stance. We love him.
As he said, "I will always be the voice for the people in Israel." And he now is. He doesn't speak Hebrew. But we don't care. The man is our voice.
Greatest speaker ever. Two sentences, he’s representing us in the UN. And I believe the UN will be a more exciting place with boxing promoters. Get some fights going in that place. Some real fights. I’ve seen the look on those people’s faces. Don King should be on that. Getting Pakistan into it.

Lebron James, a supporter of Deni Avdija, said he hopes to visit Israel. Which is a beautiful thing. He's just waiting to be able to scrape together the cash to be able to make the trip. 
And that is how expensive EL AL is.

Great Jews in Sports was published in 1983. A new edition has not been put out since. The last great Jewish athlete is Hank Greenberg.
As we have seen, a lot of great Jewish athletes are now starting to shine. With all the intermarriage, we might need to put out another volume soon.
 
That was a lot. If we’ve learned anything the past few months, B”H, it turns out they hate Jews in sports too.

Here is what I saw the past few months in the news.

For anybody who missed it. Antisemitism still exists.
Guy rams into 770 with his car. Some people are willing to do go way too far to get their dollar.

Israel laser missile defense program is shunned by the world. It makes it not fair when they shoot rockets at Israel. ​To quote, "People shoot missiles at Israel. Missiles cost a lot. It's a waste when they don't hit... And this is why we hate Jews." Turns out the world is very mad about this idea of Jews being safe. As are Spike Lee and Tyler Oliveira.

New electric water drip system in Israel is working. Baruch H'. No idea what it is. But it works. And it's good to know that. Happy we got that news. I will do what I can and not get involved.

Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, is now doing press conferences on subways. He's already bankrupt city hall to the point that he has no office.
The mayor said, "It's better to meet on the subway. There are less rats here."
The people in the cart for the press conference were not very happy. They were trying to figure out if they got on the wrong train. Middle of the news conference, the woman in the back got up and asked Mamdani if the train was going to stop at Times Square. To which Mamdani said, "No. It's too dangerous. And the garbage hasn't been picked up." I'm not positive that all happened. But I think it did.
I think he's the only New Yorker that feels safe on the subways. He's not Jewish.

Jews are still against Jews and Israel, as it is a Jewish value to hate Jews.

Universities in Europe want to boycott Israel, again. They still can't get it right. Turns out they're not very good at not buying Israeli products.

Nothing positive about Jews was in the news. Even China is spreading propaganda about Jews. Not very happy about it, the CCP is doing what they can to make up for thousands of years of not knowing that Jews messed up their lives too.

Israel breaks the ceasefire by getting shot at.
New Media Definition of the Week: Breaking a Ceasefire- When they shoot at you.

Britain has new laws which don't allow you to share thoughts. So, if you're from England, please do not read any of this. You will get arrested. 

Apartheid Free Zones have been created in Hackney, Bristol, Sheffield, and Brighton. Apartheid free means that Jews are not allowed. Many of our readers may not know this, but the definition of apartheid is the presence of Jews in your neighborhood. Apartheid free also means not buying anything from Israel, because Jews live there with Arabs.
To make the people of the neighborhood feel comfortable they went around and knocked on Jewish doors, to let Jews know they suck. They were quite polite about it. Some even rang the bell. "Top of the morning to you. And you suck. And you are killing people right now. Enjoy your tea. You Earl Grey genociders."
They wanted to give Jews speeches about how they suck, and how they shouldn't be allowed to live. And they figured the proper way to do this is with a neighborly Jew hunt. They took down addresses of people who think Jews have the right to live in a country with people who don't want to kill them. In order to fight genocide.
Going from door to door, asking people if they're Jewish was met with some criticism by locals who made it clear that you don't have to ask people if they're Jewish. "You can just see if they have a Mezuzah." As the protector of our people went on, "You can just mark down the homes that have the Mezuzahs on them."
In many of the Chasidik neighborhoods the Jew hunters received a lot of Tzedakah. To quote one Chasid, "I've never seen a Mishulach without a Kippah. Usually, they knock on my door and ask for money. These people had a very long pitch. I just gave them the Gelt. It's a Mitzvah."
American Jews were angered by this episode, claiming, "It also happens to us. My address was taken down by the Jewish Federation. They won't stop harassing me."

Jews are still being attacked. Wanted to make that clear.

Iranians are being massacred by the Ayatollah. Nobody cares. It's Israeli propaganda to care about the murder of Iranians. Let's move on.

Miss Universe had a Miss Palestine, Nadeen Ayoub. She won the Miss Palestine preliminaries unanimously against herself. The contest had no other contestants, because Palestine does not exist. But she won that.
Nadeen married the son of murderer and terrorist Marwan Barghouti. And she named her son after the terrorist. Not important. It’s tough to name kids. You don’t want to get your father-in-law mad.
 
Video shows snowstorm in Gaza. Now Israelis are creating snow to kill more Gazans.
According to many news syndicates, Gaza is now located in the Himalayas. And Israel is still attacking them there, with snow.

Back to Iran. Mark is on our staff and he seems to care. To quote Mark, who's American, "The killings in Iran. That ruined my day." Mark feels for the Iranian people and he was not able to enjoy his workout. Mark wants it to be known that he showed solidarity. Mark is American and his day was thrown off. He did his part for the cause. And we at the Kibbitzer are with Mark. If anybody wants to hang out later, Mark is hoping to hit a nightclub to show solidarity.
Most Americans are against saving Iranian lives. As has been stated, "They didn't attack police at their rallies in LA. And it is wrong to not attack police. Last time we saw this was at the proIsrael rally. Shame!"

News syndicates take back news about Israel again. They finally get the news right the fifth time around.

Ceasefire resumes. This is the most violent ceasefire I have ever seen.

Tucker Carlson made a trip to Israel for his first pilgrimage ever, to the Ben Gurion Airport. He wanted to witness where Jesus flew out of.
Tucker did not make it to Jerusalem or the Jordan River. Tucker wants to make it clear that Nazareth and Bethlehem are also not important to the real Christians. What is important to the real Christians is Saudi Arabia. To quote Tucker Carlson, "Everybody knows that."
I hope I am not misrepresenting Tucker Carlson. We all feel bad that he was abused with questions. Nobody should ever have to witness such things at an airport. We at the Kibbitzer are angered by the episode and insist Israeli security stop asking people who packed their bags.

Muslims pray in New York City. That scares people. Islamic prayer has people on edge.

Some say seventy thousand have been killed in Iran by the Ayatollah's recent massacres. Because it's not Israel, Google has the number at seven thousand.
​Trump said he has the back of the Iranian people in their fight against the regime. Which means he has done nothing.
My understanding of the conversation. "We have your back. Don't stop. We won't let them kill you." "Where is this guy?! They are stabbing me right now!!!" "Keep at it. Don't give in." "I'm at the hospital and they just shot my doctor." "Don't worry. Keep strong. We're right here."
The rest of the conversation was. "Where the hell is America. They kidnapped my family and just cut off my hand and raped it." "If Trump doesn't come next week I'm converting to Islam." And that is how you bring loyal people to your faith.

Death toll numbers in Gaza still show no combatants. It is now clear, Israel killed sixty-thousand journalists.

Next week we will have a special Jews in the News focusing on the Olympics, Jews in sports, and how they have caused antisemitism by competing.
Our full report on Mamdani’s snow removal will come in our spring issue, when the snow melts. We want to give him a chance to get rid of the snow.
Our chief editor, Rachel, said we should just write, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that. She also said we can add, "And he is asking Jews to shovel."

(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also has me thinking more when going down a flight of stairs.
To do repentance right, you want to make sure that you have a constant worry of death. And that is how you find happiness.
If you find yourself at a bar, as a religious Jew, always think of your friend choking on the peanuts. That will bring true joy. That and bringing up conversations of how we all die one day.

(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 320:9) You can walk on snow on Shabbat, even if your walking crushes it and makes water. Tell this to all the people that didn’t show up to shul last Shabbis. 

(Vayikra 19:17) “Don’t hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow...” I take this Mitzvah to heart and tell people off regularly.
I’m very good at telling people off. Sometimes I flip them the bird, to ensure I am fulfilling the commandment correctly. Especially when driving.

After Orlah (first three years when you can't eat of a tree's fruit), in the fourth year the fruit is Neta Revai and has Kedusha, holiness. If you live long enough you might be able to enjoy an apple.

These questions were asked at my Seder last night from first time Tu BShvat Seder attendees who were confused it wasn't a Pesach. 
We had a lot of questions at our Tu BShvat Seder. People heard Seder and they thought they’re supposed to interrupt. Here are some of the questions they asked at our Tu BShvat Seder when I was trying to move past the dried apricots portion. We had already connected to Gd through Mishmish.

What happened to only having one Seder?
Why did the Jews leaving Egypt only have one Seder, until the Kabbalists came along?
Isn’t the Pesach Seder long enough?
Did Gd split a date tree too?
We live in Rochester. Is there another Seder tomorrow night too?
Why do we only tell the date joke this night?
Why do people repeat the date joke about getting dates more than once on this night, when on all other nights date puns are annoying?
Why are dates hurting my stomach?
Why are we using plastic dishes and plastic cups for our Seder?
How does plastic dishes on a plastic tablecloth celebrate trees?
Is there anything that is not plastic here to celebrate the earth?
Where does plastic grow?
Why are children not asking questions?
Why have four questions just come from a twenty-eight-year-old? Does she not know where plastic grows?
Where are the kids?
Why didn’t anybody tell me that Seders are not just for Pesach? I was wondering why we’re celebrating so early.
Should I get my Haggadah? If I would've known, I would've brought my Haggadah.
Why do you think I spent twelve hours cleaning for Tu BShvat?
Why did I make my house Kosher for Tu BShvat and throw out all my meat and dairy products if I didn’t have to?
Why didn’t you tell me there was no commandment to burn all non-vegetarian food?
If it’s a Jewish holiday, shouldn’t we at least have Tam Tams?
Were we slaves to dried fruit?
Did the Jews in Egypt also get stomach cramps from dried apricots?
Thank you for leaving the four cups of wine in. Is wine what makes it a Seder?
​Why is it on this night that we have a Seder with no brisket?
And where are the Tam Tams? I miss those things on Pesach. 
Why do Tam Tams look like Matzah, but they're not Matzah?
Why is wine the only part of the Seder that is similar to the Passover Seder?
Was this Seder an excuse to drink?
Is that why the Arizal came up with this Seder?
Why did he not just drink and call it a Farbregen? That sounds like a religious thing.
Then why are we drinking four cups of wine? 
If this is Pesach, we're eating too many legumes?
Is this Pesach? I'm still confused.
We didn't do the apricot portion of the Seder last Pesach. Did we still fulfill the telling of the story of leaving Egypt?
Why on this night is the salt not in water?
Why on this night are all nuts not salted?
What happened to salted almonds and cashews?
Why do I like salted nuts?
Why did you not serve those?
Why do almonds not taste that great without salt?
What is a Mishmish?
I'm very confused already. Why do I have to learn Hebrew names of vegetation now?
Why did nobody answer any of my questions get answered?

That last question didn't get answered either. They also didn't explain that this isn't a Pesach Seder, and we don't encourage questions when we're focused on eating dried figs.

Here are some of my one-liners from the classic "Aliyah Monologues" show.

Aliyah - Moving to Israel
Aliyah isn't for Americans. Aliyah is for people from third world countries and France.
I made Aliyah. I figured, I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I can move to South Florida and live with Israelis.
Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. (At least the Zionist ones.)
I was in Rochester and Kodak was closing. I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. (I know my history.)

Living in Israel
I went to Ulpan six months. I learned Hufal. (Exactly. I've never heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hufal. If you were Israeli, you would be on the floor, laughing right now. Hufaltem.)
I finally learned what Nahag means. I used to think Nahag was something you're supposed to scream when a door closes on you. (It's the guy who closes it on you. You have to know Hebrew to understand these English one-liners.)
In Tel Aviv, the guy was bragging, "Tel Aviv is New York." I told him, "New York is very different. I was in New York, and I was able to find Kosher food." (I also let him know that I didn't have to tell the people in New York that underwear is not a swimsuit. Then he started showing me the skyscrapers. "Look. Five stories.")
Can't get into the post office. Everything's a holiday. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi'i. (My friend might fed me that joke. Let me explain. "They have Israeli Independence Day. Jerusalem Day. Wednesday." Wednesday is not a holiday, but they celebrate it. They also don't work on Wednesdays.)
I saw a dead dog on the side of the road. I was thinking, "It's such a shame that's not a cat."

Religion Everywhere
Jerusalem even has the Biblical zoo with all the Biblical animals like penguins.
In Jerusalem we are very religious. We have the belief that everything is in the hands of Gd. People who don't believe that, work. (They have jobs. We have belief in Gd. Emunah. Sarcasm.)
In Meah Shearim. The way they cross the street, you can see they have a lot of Emunah. (That’s faith in Gd.)

Single and Religious
Segulot, positive omens. They go to the Kotel for forty days straight. That's how they're going to meet their husband. I have a better idea. Try going to the gym for forty days straight. (And I am still single. I should've never told that joke. Some things are better kept to yourself.)
They go up north for the Segulah to meet somebody, to the Kever of Yonatan Ben Uziel. Walk around his grave seven times. The guy is dead and he's doing better than me. (When you have to explain, one-liners take longer.)
These Frum girls. When they go out with me, everytime, "I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys. Starting now." (They want it to be meaningful. Then they tell me about all the other guys they had meaningless relationships with, which were fun.)

War
I respect the soldiers. All doing the army. What they do for a free bus pass. (I just lie about my age. In some of these communities, you can pass for twelve with a beard.)
As an Oleh, an immigrant to Israel, I ran into an Israeli when I was visiting America. I asked him, "If there was a war in Israel, what would you do?" He said, "I would go right back to my homeland to be with my people." I told him, "If there was a war in Israel, I like to think I would do the same exact thing." (Sometimes you have to extend a one-liner for the meaning.)
The way our people came together after October 7th. I have never seen a whole nation come together as our people did, to complain about the cost of ELAL. (Flights are too expensive. Price gouging is the real issue.)
I pray for the day again, where I can cut off a Jew on Highway 1 and not feel bad.
Visiting Israel my friends are worried. "What about all the bombings, shootings, stabbings?" Then I left New York. (David Rubin shared this at Kiddish. I'm happy I showed up to shul that day.)

I hope you connect now to the Holy Land. Maybe you’ll move there and buy a house in Ohio, where they’re affordable.

Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
 
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review.

To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time.
Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening.
 
Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea.

Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. 
 
Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist.
It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that.
 
We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks.
 
Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven.
 
Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. 
So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community.
During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam.
For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes.
 
JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible.
 
My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete.

Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea.
 
Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team.
Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence.
The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain."
Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. 
If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe.

On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that.
That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain.
That was almost positive.

"I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens.
 
Something positive happened. It will come to me.
 
It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew.
 
Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos.
Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too.
 
Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters.
Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains.
Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel.

The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel.
 
Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar.
Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you.

The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime.

Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long.
(I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.)
 
Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too.
 
That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out.

Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives.

I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

People are worried. They have no idea what they can say to my Jewish friends. I will tell you, I've never said anything that has not bothered my brethren.
Here are things you shouldn’t say to your Jewish friends who love their people, especially now. Something I've learned from experience.

"I heard this on the BBC."
Anything on from the BBC. You want to bother your Jewish brothers and sisters, repeat anything you heard on the BBC. Anything within the last hundred or so years.
You can also mention CNN, MSNBC or anybody reporting the news that is not JNS.

"The British Parliament voted for..."
Quote the British Prime Minister. Anything he says. There's something about that accent that yells, "I hate Jews."
With that in mind, bring up JD Vance. Since his trip to Israel there's not one Jew that likes that guy. He’s the one unifying factor among the right and left-wing Jews.
Better yet, quote anybody. Something anti-Semitic will come out.
Even better. Say you support UNRWA.
Wait. Even better. Quote any guest that Piers Morgan brought on to argue with Douglas Murray.

"I don't think it's important to be in Israel. Their problems are their problems."
That sounds like an American Jew who supports Israel.

"I got a good deal on a flight to Israel."
Everybody will hate you.

"I got a good deal on Jewish day school."
They will hate you even more.

"I got a good deal on brisket."
They will hate you. And then ask you how that happened.

"I voted for Mamdani."
I don’t believe your Jewish brothers and sisters will appreciate you for trying to save on rent. I see how savings fits our cause as a people. I don't see how that helps Israel, yet.

"I got a raise."
Nobody wants to hear that right now. Especially when they just lost their job due to rent stabilization.

"Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson."
Just those names. I got a twitch just hearing that. Take a moment. Listen to that again. "Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens." I just got a crick in my neck.
Those two. It's now tradition to spit when hear their name. And then to throw in a Yiddish curse. Which helps bring up more phlegm.
And then say, "It is true. Because Candace said it." Oh. That will really piss them off.

"You're invited to my son's Bar Mitzvah."
Oh shoot. That's going to kill the weekend.

"I'm getting honored."
Oh shoot. I already made plans. Wish you would've told me earlier. “I didn’t tell you when I was getting honored.” I have plans for that day.

"Since October Seventh the number of Jews keeping Shabbis and putting on Tefillin..."
Maybe it's me. I don't want to hear anything positive about October Seventh. I am a fan of mourning. I like keeping things negative and me out of trouble.
These people seem so happy. Nothing fazes them. Like the war is the greatest Jewish outreach program ever created. "All these Jews are now saying Shema every day. And the religious unity. The amount of Kiruv Rechokim. B"H for Gaza."
They go off on how everybody came together. That was until they found out the Charedim, ultra-orthodox, aren't doing the army. That was a shocker. It was a surprise because they saw the Charedim putting on Tefillin, and yet they hadn't been to Gaza.
They finally found a way to unite Jews. Thanks to Hamas. As if up to this point, antisemitism hasn't done its job of bringing Jews together. But thank Gd for suffering. The more we suffer, the more we see people putting on Tzitzit and Tefillin.

"It happened because Jews were fighting and sinning."
Anything about October Seventh bothers me. I believe in the Torah and how Gd controls the world. Just don't tell me about it.
Everybody is thinking it, waiting for you to flinch and say it. Don't. I'm waiting for one of those rabbis to come out and say it's because of the sinners, so that he can establish himself as a legitimate Kabbalist.
Any thoughts on hostages, that will anger people. We want them good and safe, and their families well. That should be all you're allowed to say. That should be a law: No sharing your thoughts. That would truly bring about Jewish unity. War is not necessary. Just no sharing what you think. Only share thoughts on Bibi. That's it.
If Jews didn't share their opinions we would have Shalom. If I never knew what Menachem was thinking, I might like the guy.

"My parents are coming to visit."
​Do you know how many Jewish marriages were ruined the past year because of that statement.

"We're going to Florida for Yeshiva Week."
Just confirming your vacation is ruined and you will not be able to enjoy walking down Surfside.

"All is good in Israel."
Nobody wants to hear things are good. That just makes things worse. Nothing is good!!!

"The price of Kosher meat is not that bad. I got brisket at twenty-five dollars a pound."
Now we can't complain and that bothers us. It's crazy expensive and we can't complain.
Say the brisket pun. "How do you perform a circumcision? With a Bris Kit" That will galvanize the community in hatred. You can also repeat your jokes like any of the membership at my shul. You will elicit a lot of anger. The more you repeat it, the more self-hatred you will bring forth.

"There's this great new Kosher smokehouse."
Thank you for killing delis for all of us.

"The war is over. I think the ceasefire..."
That's a great way to get everybody going at each other, while presenting their political platforms and announcing their candidacy for Knesset at the Shabbat table.
"Ceasefire" means the war will never end. And for some reason, that bothers people.

"I hate Jews."
For some reason that still bothers us.

You sneezing.
Any noise coming out of an orifice since COVID will get a lot of nasty looks. Why? Because your sneezing is going to kill everybody at shul. Want to really get everybody mad and cursing you out, cough.
Allergies. That will get you kicked out of the Jewish community.

"My kids moved to Israel."
Why can't you just stop there?! Why do we have to now hear about the grandkids and how much they love Bnei Akiva?!
Your Nachis. Nobody wants to hear your Nachis. If there is one thing that bothers people more than your opinion on Dead Sea salinization, it's the pride you take in your family.

"I am dedicating our vacation down in Florida to Israel."
Somehow, that doesn't help Israel.

"This is what I think Charedim should be doing..."
Nobody wants to know your political opinions right now.
There is a way out of getting in trouble for this statement. You can join the army, serve in Tzahal for three years, and then you can make this statement. With a little commitment, you can also hate Charedim.

That's a fairly exhaustive list. I hope it helps. Just try to stay away from sharing your opinions or sneezing.
You're going to mess up. If you talk, you're going to mess up, and you will remain single. But try. Try to wait for them to mess up and share their opinions on Israel and the new high-speed train from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem first.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve.

Let Rabbis Run the Army
Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi. Though he gives Halachik rulings, and makes decisions for religious Jews.
They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again.
Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree.

Charedim are Great Soldiers
They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen.
Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers.
They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries.
And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare.
And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF.
I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country.

National Guard
You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy.
National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier.

Guard the Religious Sites
Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came.

A Shalom Peace Corps
So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.”
They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict.
They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom.
The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated.
And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis.

Educate People How to Protest
Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday.
You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize.
Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute.

Let Them Run the Mossad
Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim.
Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those.

Warriors of H' Brigade
A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that.
The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis.
Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible.
Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved.
Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second.

Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help.
Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them.
 
I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter.
Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans.
 
Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. 

Title:   Gazawood
 
Genre: Benny Hill meets M.A.S.H. in Gaza
                         Reality Series for Streaming Services. So that people have access
                         even if their government will murder them.
 
Log-line: Town of Gazans in Gaza. All are Hamas and Palestinian Authority Terrorists. Telling the world Israel has killed every Gazan, and somehow, they are alive, all is caught on camera.

SYNOPSIS
Any scene from Gaza works. It's funny. We take the scene and add Benny Hill music to it. Episodes are five minute and they all end with a chase in circles to the Benny Hill theme song.
Every show leads in with kids playing and cheering, "Kill the Jews," to Hamas Barney TV show songs of education. Song goes, "Brushing my teeth on top. It's so much fun that I don't want to stop. Cause when I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I shoot the Jews with my gun." And kids cheer. And parents Schepp Nachis.

EPISODES
Episode 1 - Funeral Goes Wrong Because the Guy Is Alive
Funeral is taking place on road. Professional videographers are on the scene taking footage of the funeral. The dead person is in shrouds, under a cover, being carried to their funeral on a stretcher. A sign on the stretcher reads, "Israel killed me." A helicopter passes above. The videographers drop their cameras and start running. The people holding the deathbed drop it and start running. Camera is fixed on dropped deathbed. Guy lifts sheet, jumps out of deathbed, with Nikes and jeans. Benny Hill theme music comes on. He looks both ways and starts running after the videographers and the people who dropped him, along with the funeral attendees, waving his shrouds at everybody.
End of episode. Same guy dies again and picks up the sheet he is covered in at his funeral. He says, "This was my fifth time dying. Why can't I get a better role." He looks both ways and starts running again, to the Benny Hill music.
The BBC reports the Jews kill another innocent man. Death toll is up to fifteen million Gazans.

Episode 2 - Terrorists Are Warned There Are Terrorists in Their Homes
We see the local Gazans going into their homes. Pamphlets are dropped from the sky to warn them that there is a terrorist in their homes. On their phones, they read, "mass murders in your building." They look at each other weird, to see who is the other terrorist. Everybody starts running out of building with rockets, guns, and RPGs, including women and children. All wearing masks. Some masks read Hamas, some say PA. They start chasing each other outside. Benny Hill music comes on as they are chase. They put down their weapons in peace and start throwing rocks at each other. Some of the stones are huge.
Peace is made, as they all hug, with brotherly conversations of "You're a terrorist too?!" And then they execute each other, and the crowd of Gazans cheers and runs in excitement and joy to their people being executed by their own people, to Benny Hill theme song. 
They set up cameras to video the building blowing up. Camera catches building blowing up. Woman walks in front of camera and says, "They justa killed me." And then they all start running again.

Episode 3 - Sinwar Out of Hiding
Sinwar is dressed in burqa with full hijab as woman with a beard. Crossdressing in rundown apartment that has been through war, he turns to camera with stunned look. The classic Benny Hill dressed as a woman sketch.
Sinwar then tries to avoid being seen by the person taking the video, which catches it all. He and the people around him start running to Benny Hill music.

Episode 4 - The Missile Goes the Wrong Way
Everybody is relaxing in homes. Men take off their Hamas masks, and are playing backgammon on wooden boards. Women are seen taking off their burqas, relaxing over baklava for Middle Eastern tea time.
Outside Hamas guys crawl out of the ground from under a postpartum unit of a birthing hospital. In the unit, people are watching children's shows with little Hamas kids saying "kill the Jews." They take aim at Tel Aviv with a missile. They are excited to shoot the missile. A little baby in Hamas mask gives a thumbs up to the Hamas guys threw a window.  
Missile goes the wrong way into a building. Everybody runs out of the building. Benny Hill theme song is playing. Some women end up running out of a building without their burqas. Hamas guys in building run out with their masks in hand, waving them. Everybody is chasing the Hamas guys who shot the missile. The people who got killed in the earlier episode are running out of the building.
News report reads, "Israel genocide of Gaza births more babies. Gazan population grows thanks to Israeli genocide."

Episode 5 - The Starving People
Everybody is starving. Protesters from everywhere show up with signs reading "people are hungry," while they are enjoying a barbeque.
Hamas guys are seen taking the food from the food disbursement sites, and running away with it. Hamas guys are in huge warehouse of food, eating lavish meal at table, along with all the people who are "starving." The starving people are well overweight. With pitas all over and "starving" people gorging on humus and chopped meat, they all see a video camera come in with a news anchor from CNN. They can't kill the guy, because he supports them. They look up at the camera, shocked. They start running. Benny Hill music comes on. Everybody is chasing the news people with guns. Then they all end up at the food support center, chasing a Jew who is trying to feed the Gazans. To Benny Hill theme, CNN reports Jews are creating a famine and starving the people of Gaza.

Episode 6 - Dead Body Found in Rubble
Funeral being videoed by Pallywood videographers. We see the outtakes. Everybody is laughing, as the dead guy lifts his sheet. Benny Hill music comes on and they run to funeral and drop the guy.
Next, they take a body in shrouds out of a building, bury it with a bulldozer. They are coaching each other on how to make it look like it was really buried. So, they put a bunch of dirt on it. One says, "Dis good." Red Cross gives thumbs up. The leader says, "Get the shovels. Now we dig it up." The guy with shovel says, "We barely covered the body. I just pull it out." Leader responds, "No. We dig. It show we had him buried." The guy takes one shovel of dirt and that puts down the shovel and lifts the body.
Whole Red Cross team there. Drone camera from above catches them all in the act. The whole thing. They all look up. They scream, "Oh. Sheet." Which is a four letter word in the Middle East. They start running to Benny Hill music. Some are carrying the dead body. And then they drop it. And the dead body starts running.
Red Cross guy on TV says, "We saw nothing." Hamas guys are saying, "We respect the dead. It's part of our religious duty." Middle of interview, Benny Hill music comes on and they all start running in circles, chasing each other.

***For show to work we need rights to the Benny Hill theme song.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote for somebody who hates Jews, and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren.
With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace.
Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate.

Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur.
They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people.
Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. 

A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?!
Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts.
You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too.
Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. 

Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March.
They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman.
Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there.

I truly respect the commitment of the religious.
Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers.
They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again."
We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. 
You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK.

They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in.
You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you.
You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot."
Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case.
Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. 

The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible.
We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza.
 
I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
 
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself.
Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much.
 
Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job…
It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there.

"If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously.

Announcements
The world lost a righteous man this week. A man who stood up for Israel and moral values. Unlike our congregants who have a hard time eating falafel in a pita, without the tahini getting all over their shirt.
 
The commemoration of Nine-Eleven ceremony will take place this coming week on Nine-Eighteen. Nobody realized it was Nine-Eleven until they saw the screen on their computer, which had the date in number form. We ask from now on, everybody purchase calendars without names for months. Just numbers. This will also help when reporting your birth date to the office.
 
We will be singing "Acheinu," the song of brotherhood, all week long. Until you get it right. And sway together correctly.
It is the new song of our people, because nobody knows the words to Hatikva anymore. So we’ve given up on that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It’s Fine For Liberals to Laugh at the Death of a Man Who Talked- The Forbidden Nature of Talking to People. Numbers in Month Form- A Seminar on What Numbers Correspond With Which Months. How to Sing Without Messing Up a Song- The Art of Saying NayNayNay.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Moshe talks of going into Israel right after he speaks of Amalek... He didn’t have you as congregants. He had Amalek.
Right after Amalek, Moshe talks of going to Israel. You have to keep in mind those who want to kill us. That’s why we have Israel. And for good Kosher falafel.
With the basket you bring, the Bikurim, you bring up Egypt and thank H'. You speak of how H’ saw our suffering and redeems us... Israel is what Gd gives us. It’s our safe place. And we have abandoned that by not being thankful... Yes. You can say what you want in Israel. It's a safe space for Jews.

Gd brings us there, but we have a side of the covenant we must keep. And I know that responsibility bothers you all. Which is why our Chazin will be doing all of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Davening, as well as opening the Aron himself...
(Devarim 27:1-4) When you get to Israel, “set up great stones and coat them with plaster.” The commandment isn't to do renovations on the stones. If you were doing renovations on the stones with a committee, they would've never got plastered... I don’t know. Weather ruins things. Weatherproof the stones.
“And you shall write on them all the words of the Torah when you cross over.” It’s there for Torah. Israel is there for us to practice the Torah. To read it. To preserve it. Preserve it with plaster... We’re not putting plaster on the scroll over here. It costs too much... They didn't have Sofrim charging 150k back then. That's why some of the rabbis say they didn't write the whole Torah on the stones. With the scribe fees, it would've cost the community too much...
The stones are our foundation right when we get to Israel... If you would've put in a decent foundation on the Sukkah, it wouldn't have blown away last year... Are you protecting the Torah. The covenant of Gd that we must keep safe, so that we are safe. Are you protecting the foundation. If you would've plastered the walls of the shul correctly, we wouldn't have water damage...

What makes it our safe place is the Torah. Is our guarding and protecting the Torah.
We have to waterproof it, because we need to guard our will. Amalek, the Egyptians, those who attack us and our supporters, attack our will. Like the board, who attacks every decent Torah idea. Such as learning. The board decided learning Torah wouldn't raise enough money, so we don't learn in our shul... The Torah idea was to learn Torah. I understand that's too simple for a committee to discuss. So, it didn't happen. We should plaster "Learn Torah" on the walls of our shul... Because, it's a simple idea, Bernie. And it doesn't change...

You should be in Israel... I’m not there because I have a job.
Israel protects us and we must learn Torah there. We must practice Mitzvot. It is written on the foundation stones to remind us of morality... Because it's plastered. And they had decent masons working on the stuff. Not a millennial who...
Are we preserving the Torah? Are we fighting Amalek? Are we truly thanking Gd with our gift baskets? If the Purim Mishloach Manot I received from the members of this shul is any sign, we are not doing a good job.
Israel isn't complicated. The Knesset is complicated. However, the Midot, the traits of Israel are simple. Be good. Fight evil. Get money from tourists...

Israel is about morals. The Olam lost a righteous man this past week.
What do you stand for? What are your morals? How are you going to continue his legacy? Are your Jewish kids safer on college campuses now?... Because they're not plastering the Torah on their walls. Because the college life is based on immorality, one cannot be safe.
They have pictures of Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar... I don't believe they were what Moshe was talking about plastering. And that is how you lose morals. It's what you plaster on the wall. And at this shul we're using Sheetrock. Drywall does not represent morality. Neither does hip hop or the Swift family. Nor does a poster of A Minecraft Movie. Building an immoral society with nothing on it's foundation stones...
Laughing at a Tzadik’s murder??? Your sense of humor is off... Things to laugh at would be the board's choice of wallpaper in the social hall.

Charlie saw the immorality in America and attacked it. He was trying to plaster truth on the walls.
What moral values do you fight for?... Giving tips at Flavor Cafe is not a moral value. Fifteen percent does not make you a person with scruples. There's no Mitzvah to be a big tipper... You haven't given Tzedakah in years... Tipping is not charity. And the fact that you gave your Mayser money, your tithe, to tips... A tithe is a tenth. One tenth. Not one and a half tenths...
We must talk things out. Plaster the holy words of H' on the rocks. In his way, Charlie Kirk tried doing that on the campuses... I am not suggesting graffiti. 

The Torah reminds us of history and our hardships. The Torah we practice is in the face of evil. We preserve it in the face of the board and our synagogue committees...
Commemorating those who have gone is important. Which is why we have memorial plaques, plastered on the wall of our chapel. And you can donate money in honor of your loved ones who've passed on...

Morals are based on them. Moral acts we preserve, the Torah, is all based on how we treat death. The past. Chesed Shel Emet. Kindness of truth. And our will to live by Torah even when we’re under attack.
How we commemorate... The problem is we called it Nine-Eleven. If it was called September 11th, everybody would know when that is... Calling 911 is not the right thing to do on NIne-Eleven. You do a moment of silence. Prayer.
Commemorate it. Torahify it. Maybe fight terrorism.
Have we waterproofed our Israel?!

We are going to be singing Acheinu all week. It’s for our people, and we're going to sing it all week. At least till you get the song right. You guys mess it up every time. How do you mess up a song of brotherly love so much?!... It's because you don't love your people.
The song makes me cry every time I hear it. How all of our people come together and sing. How you all sway and sing off tune.
Your harmony is so off... Well. Then you're singing a different song.
Didn’t even repeat the verse. You repeat verses in Jewish songs. Always repeat the verse... That's how you make sure the song rhymes...
Of course "Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael" are the lyrics. We have good lyrics written 2k years ago. We don’t change them, Chaim. It was in the Machzor Vitry. We sing that... We’re not singing Yanky’s new song. I don’t care that it was inspired. And we're not singing Taylor Swift.
And now your swaying is off.
We are going to plaster the words on the wall... So you remember them. Or at least look at them and don't mess them up... I know it's written in Hebrew. Learn Hebrew. Those lyrics protect us.

If you all understood the idea of brotherhood... And sisterhood. I get it Rachel. You would sing together... Let’s sing now...
The way you're singing now promotes brotherly hatred.... Sisterly hatred. Sorry...
OK. You’re right. There are other songs for our people. We’ll also sing Kol HaOlam Koolo and Am Yisrael Chai... And Hatikva. It’s our national song. The fact you guys don't know it... 

Will we remain stalwart?! Are we plastering the cornerstone of our religion?!
And now it’s offensive and bothersome to say we lost holy brothers in Israel this week?! Acheinu. Our brothers... And sisters. Exactly Rachel.
America is not a safe space without Israel...
H’ Yismor. Plaster that on our wall.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got into the singing. He turned his sermon into a Kumzits singalong. Once he got into the songs, he started crying, because Bernie and Ruchel were so off tune.

Nobody wants Mishloach Manot in our shul. I understand the rabbi. If the Bikurim baskets were anything like what I got for Purim, it would not be thanking H'. I can't imagine that people were bringing Gd poppy seed Hamentashen.

Due to the rabbi's message of waterproofing Israel, our membership started a campaign to raise funds to purchase wood stain and sealant for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.
Jerusalem claimed the stone is already waterproofed. By design. As a board said, "That sounds biblical."

Committees in our shul need something to discuss. At the last meeting, the renovations committee discussed the idea of if Torah is important to Judaism. It was a committee. It was a discussion they had to have. They had a meeting already planned. They had to discuss something. It would appear that Torah is not important to renovations in our shul.

The rabbi made a beautiful point about antisemitism and Israel being our place to live. Nobody cared. They claimed the flights to Israel are too expensive, and the real Amalek is EL AL.

The congregants were mad the rabbi could say such a thing about Charlie Kirk. One member screamed out, "How dare you say he was a decent human being?!!" 
It turns out our congregants hate Israel and Jews. They also hate morals. Some of the left-wing of our shul, at Kiddish, started laughing about Charlie Kirk's death. It turns out that they’re against guns, but pro-gun violence
Now the liberals in our shul want to kill any child who talks. To quote our left-wing Kiddish table, "If they talk, one day they might debate. The decision is easy." 

The most moral thing one of our members has done is to give a big tip. "A big tipper." That's a Tzadik. "She gave eighteen percent. She has a place in Olam Haba." Yet, they steal pens at work.
The rabbi ended up giving a whole mathematical explanation of tithing. From then on, Chaim only tipped ten percent.
The left-wing table claimed Charlie Kirk never tipped well. A Rasha!!!

The rabbi saw an opening when he mentioned the plaques for family members who passed, and he started going into an appeal. He's warmed up for the High Holidays. He's good.

The rabbi started a statewide campaign to call it September 11th, so people would remember the date, before seeing the bottom right of their computer screen.
Every year, we miss Nine-Eleven. We need a ceremony to commemorate it.
We need another name for it. Not to get rid of Nine-Eleven. Just to change the name. Because they are not good at reading dates, some of our congregants commemorate it every day. Every time Bernie looks at his clock when he gets to shul, he mourns.
The moment of silence was not a meaningful idea. The rabbi is always asking the congregants for a moment of silence. He just wanted the congregants to shut up.

Many congregants were offended by the concept of fighting terrorism. To quote, "Terrorists have a right to be who they want to be. If that is how they identify, we have no right to stop them."
They congregants have also been through a lot, dealing with violence in the shul. They had already dealt with Simchovitzs’ Hagba fiasco where he took Galigla from the kid. The anger expressed when the kid didn't wrap right. They're still talking about it. Some claim the look was a terrorist act, perpetrated by somebody who doesn't identify as a terrorist. Which the left-wing table said is wrong, as "that's misappropriation."
It turns out that looks can be terrorism too. "A terrorist look." And that is more offensive than killing people. I think that is the congregation I belong to.

Due to the suggestion, we are now singing all four songs after Davening, every time. Not just Acheinu. And the rabbi has also insisted on the NayNayNay parts, adding an extra five minutes to each song. As he says, "That is the one part all the congregants know."
Such bad singers in our shul. The rabbi required music classes for all. The rabbi also brought in a dance instructor to teach us how to sway right. He said the classes were for all the victims of having to be members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. And to honor the victims of Nine-Eleven, whenever that is, by not ruining more Jewish songs.

After all the talk of hardship, death and commemoration, everybody had a great time at Kiddish.

The connecting numbers to month names seminar lasted three days.

Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song.
And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL:

I dedicate this song for you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you.
Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel.
Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you.
We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel.
Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you.
We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel.
I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you. Blooming like you. Israel. The Golan.
Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel.
The crunchy blooming country. Israel.
Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel.
I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you.
And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel.
The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel.
Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel.
I held off on that move for you. Was going to visit you. But for you, I saved money. And I went to Miami. In solidarity, with you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. 
 
Put up a post for you on social MeeDayYah. That’s Hebrew. For you.
And I went to the gym today. In dedication for you.
Israel I support you.
​And I sent the hand-me-downs to you. I won’t forget that. I support you. 

***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly. It’s probably a song.
I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it.

Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter.
To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too.
We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach.
 
The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to."
 
The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"...

(Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war...
We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you...
I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again...
The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said...

It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful.
It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful...

Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues.

Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?!
It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul.
Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war...

And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish...

When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... 
In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke...
Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025...
You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin...

The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing...
Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!...
Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. 
Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October...
Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka...

Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles.
Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here...
Don't let war take away your moral compass.
That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim.

There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee...
The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back...

You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors...
You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic.
And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here.
You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot...
I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max...
Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War...

Acting with purity, even in times of war.
(Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.”
When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it.
The quilt is shameful.

It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it...
Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere...

Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs.
Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at.
They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. 
Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka.
Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it.
And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people...

When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah...
We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... 
We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded."

Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived."
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions.

I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites.
Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now.

Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one."
Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately.

I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year.
The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools.

Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners.

The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while.
When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there.

The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!"

The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs.
Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah.
As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool."
I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin."

I've spent years trying to memorize the Israeli banking hours. Nothing has worked. Hence, I wrote this song to help you remember when your bank might be open. I cannot promise that they have not changed the hours since the song was written. At least it would've helped last Wednesday. These hours were still in effect last week. In the middle of the week.
Here is the song.

Bank Discount Hours Song 
(to "Happy Days"- a catchy fun song, so you can still smile when you show up on time to the bank and they're closed- I kept the name of the song simple, as I don't want to give you something else to memorize- focusing on the hours and which bank they belong to is a hard enough task)

Sunday Monday Wednesday 8:30 to 1
Tuesday Thursday 8:30 to 2
Monday Wednesday Opens again at 4pm
Friday they close early too
When it’s a holiday I have no idea what to do

These hours change every day. Change every day. Bah Ding Dong
Why the siesta on Monday and Wednesday. Bah Ding Dong
Why don’t they return from their Siesta on Tuesday. Or Thursday?!
(Remix)
The hours. What are they?!
(outro addition)
The Doar hours, I have no idea. They changed those again. The other day.

Please Note: Those are 8:30am to 1pm. 8am to 2pm. Opens again at 4pm. I don't believe it's 4am. But then again, they give military hours, and I can't account for what those mean.
I cannot account for siesta hours. They might return at 1am. I cannot promise.
To help, I also took the liberty to add a few beats to the verses.
For those who don't know, the Doar is the post office. 
I tried including the Doar in this song, but the Doar hours are different from the bank hours, as the postal workers have different siestas than the bank tellers. And some siestas last a day. Sometimes a week. I can't account for that in one song. And I cannot take responsibility for you receiving the new lyrics weekly.
I believe the lyrics "Bah Ding Dong" express the message of the song.