The ‘Anti-Jewish Hate and the Jewish Community: A Virtual Conversation with Town Board Members’ went great. I didn’t know if I should go, as I didn’t know if it was supposed to be pro or against Jews. I think it was in support of hating Jews. That’s what the town board members seemed to feel, when they told us how much they hated Israel. Half of the community is from Israel, and the rest have grandkids that live there. And the rest of us are Jews. The town board members were already voted in, so they were fine being honest. It’s good to know who your representatives are.
The town board has a bunch of Balaks on it. They’re afraid the Jews will take over the town council. I think they’re also worried that we’ll take over Israel. Jewish identity is key. Some of the board members that hate Israel are Jewish. I call them self-hating Jews, but they really only hate other Jews. They’re fine with themselves. Census numbers were down. We need more people identifying. The Federation is on it. The focus is not Mitzvot. Nobody cares about that. We need numbers. It’s becoming a big deal. We need people to check the box. How do we help people identify as Jewish? Anti-semitism has helped in the past. Falafel parties were good. We sent a mission to the mall to find out if people were Jewish. My neighbor, a very religious woman denied she was Jewish. I think that random people banging on your door asking you if you're Jewish scares some Jews. There's got to be a better way to do a census that doesn't remind our community members of the Inquisition. New Shabbat Kiddish luncheons have begun. The breakaway started coming back. They did the financial breakdown of lunch vs dues and it’s worth it. The whitefish salad is excellent. A segment got offended when the rabbi referred to a woman as ‘she.’ He then said ‘her.’ That was even worse. He then called her ‘Mrs. Lifshitz.’ ‘Mrs.’ Even worse. The rabbi decided to refer to everybody as ‘them.’ Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants… Them… No. When I say ‘them,’ I am talking to you. When I say 'them,' it's you... It's also you. But I am talking to him... The meetings were messed up… The annual town board meeting shows how much they hate Jews… Not you. Them... The whole Jewish community comes and complains, and they still tell us they hate us… That's them... Is the idea of the meeting to curse Jews? Is it to raise taxes on our homes??? Yes. That is anti-Semitism. Meetings should be in person… If you’re not in person, you’re not really meeting… When you meet. You shake hands Bernie. You can’t shake hands on Zoom. Moav sent emissaries to meet Bilam. They shook hands. You can't close on anything without hands… She got voted into town council... She said she hates Israel... It's as if she has control over our identity. Bilam couldn't do that... Because Gd didn't let him curse the Jews. The Jews voted her in. When Moav met with Midian, they hated each other. It was the hatred of Jews that brought them together. That’s how our town council was formed… I’m surprised more people don’t get along in our shul. Raise your hand if you don’t like Bernie... You see. Pinny? And who doesn't like Karen? There is so much dislike here, we should all be getting along... There's enough hatred in the shul. The issue is that there is no fear here. That's why nobody joins together in their hatred. That's why you vote like fools... Rashi (Bamidbar 22:4) Midian and Moav hated each other. ‘They only made peace between them because of their fear of Israel.’ Fear can bring people together… Fear of not getting to the whitefish at Kiddish can pull people apart… I've had to conspire against Jews before to get some smoked fish... I'm not saying that our town councilwoman likes whitefish... We need to bond together. How do we do that? Fear?... Nobody wants more home taxes... Israel is always making peace. If we would stop making peace, we would have peace… We make peace. Yet. The town council calls us evil… You voted for her. You don't join with the person that hates you... What fools join with people that hate them?... She said she hates Jews and Israel and you said, 'we are not Jewish'... You didn't check the box. You voted for her and didn't check the Jewish box... She thinks you're Palestinian... Hymie is Palestinian. Mo is not. Mo was born after 1948... Mo goes for the whitefish right away. That’s wrong. That causes fear. But what else have the Jews done? There is fear… He fears that all the whitefish will be gone. Due to the town council meeting, we have many visitors today. Your presence is appreciated… Ms. Milt saying that she hates Israel and the Jews was great advertisement for our community… We appreciate the town's hatred and fear that a Jew will beat you in the election… If I may now address… Yes. Bernie. The sermon starts now. Dear congregants and visitors from other synagogues, temples and churches in the community. We are happy to be celebrating Johnny's turning a man today with you. Joining forces in fear and hatred of our Bar Mitzvah messing up. I know many of you are not used to the dynamic sermons as given in this congregation. Enjoy your experience here. There are donation envelopes in the back… They help support the new building fund, being built next to Congregation Beth Torah Chadash. The donations also go to help our ongoing programs, such as classes, as you have in your temples and churches, and the rabbi's parking fund… We’re still working on the cover for my car… Not sure if we’re going to build a new building for my car. It is a fund. So you can give… The town council is voting against it. Anti-Semites. And they hate Israel. I'm going to give a very short sermon this week, as I am very tired and I'm not in the mood to speak with my congregants... They never donate… Can we have all the members move to the back of the shul, so that Ms. Milt's people can move to the front with the other anti-Semites… At least they support the congregation, Bernie… There's nothing more dangerous than fear. Moav feared the children of Israel. Due to their fear, they are ready to go to war. No talk of peace. No talk of a July 4th BBQ. Just fear. They heard of Israel's military victories and feared. What did they fear? Who cares? That is not the point. The point is they feared. They were scared. They even joined with their enemies, in order to destroy somebody that could have been a friend. Israelis are always willing to be friends. Ever met somebody from the Middle East? Ever go to the shuk? They always say 'My Friend.' People I never even met in Israel are calling me 'My Friend'... You go to the shuk... Yes. You're scared they're going to rip you off. But it's your friend ripping you off. Many people have fears. Our bar mitzvah is going to be reading the Torah today. He fears that people will be screaming at him for messing up the reading. He fears that people will be whipping candies at him. He fears that his voice is going to crack and that he will have to write 350 thank you notes after he gets his Bar Mitzvah gifts. We wish you much mazel, Johnny. I fear that your parents didn't give you a Hebrew name, Johnny. The point is, stay away from people… At least make friends with the Gabai. He's going to be on your back from the beginning to the end of your Layning... Any word you read wrong, he'll be right on it. It all happens because we think negatively about ourselves. (Bamidbar 22:3) They 'jumped.' It was a knee jerk reaction. Kind of like the way that Sadie decided on the new ark cover. It's messed up... Silver embroidery?! You embroider with gold. Fear is a negative reaction to ourselves. It leads to bad decisions, like Michael's new haircut... He only had a few hours to get a haircut, before the Three Weeks and this is what he gets... It leads to voting for Ms. Milt. They feared. Rashi ‘They became disgusted with their lives.’ That’s what fear does. That's why the team loses every game. Forget about joining with other people or cursing the other team. We have to see ourselves as good... How? We have to identify. 'Go. Beis Emes uSefilah Catchers'... I know we have the worst pitching in the league. We have catchers though... Fear you'll show up to shul late. Don't fear other people. Could’ve been friends. But they feared. They went the route of hate… That’s what brought Shalom between Midian and Moav... If we're disgusted with the town board... We need hate. That will bring us together. If there was more hate, the Jews would identify... Hate is bad. But we need identity... The word used for fear in this week's Parsha is the same root word as used for living. 'VaYagar' and he lived… It is through fear that people live. It is through fear that people walk this world. It is through fear that people come together. If there’s one lesson we can learn from this week's Torah portion, it is that unity is bad... Let's explain for our Bar Mitzvah, who is confused right now... The whole women's section over there... The men's too. The whole congregation is confused. I shall explain. Fear is bad. You have congregants not marking that they're Jewish because of fear. They live with fear. And the only way to live with fear is joining in hatred... Who did you vote for?... Exactly. How much longer will Jews have to wear baseball hats in this city?... We do that to hide our Yarmulke. How many baseball games will we have to go to, so that they believe we love the game?... You can sit at a park, the grass is nice there too... We have to be strong and live. Not in fear. But live as in 'Chaim,' everlasting life. To identify as Jews for life... How do we do that? You check the box. Number 2 pencils work... Jews are not an 'other.' Jews are hated too much to be the 'other.' You check it. They conspire with Bilam to fight the Jews with words. As Rashi comments (Bamidbar 22:4), based on the Midrash, the elders said that the strength of the Jews is their mouth, as that is where Moshe’s strength is from. Due to this, they employ Bilam, a man whose strength is also derived through speech. Sticks and stones my Bar Mitzvah, may break bones, but names do hurt. People use words to hurt... Ever been called a poopie face? It hurts… The Midrash presupposes that Jews talk a lot. A bit offensive. Maybe there would be less anti-semitism if Sadie and Shlomo’s section didn’t talk so much... It’s the middle of Davening… Maybe if we were a less witty and less sarcastic people, we would have friends, and people would fear our big words like, euphemisms. Which, yes Johnny, Jews can use; because we are smart… That’s what the Moavites heard from the Midianites. Thus, he wants to curse. We all have strength in our mouths. Do we use it for fear or blessing? Fear or life?... I heard so much fighting going on about the meatballs last week. There weren't enough. I was scared I wouldn't get a meatball... They were tiny. Fear cause fighting. There was much cursing in the shul. Meatballs were thrown... You didn’t get them a wedding gift??? Even if you didn’t go… You trying to curse them… To not give them something… (Bamidbar 22:12) H’ Tells Bilam, ‘You shall not curse them because they are a blessed nation.’ In H’s eyes, we’re blessed. No matter how anti-Semitic. The town council cannot curse us. They can't stop us from checking 'Jew'... This way they know why the cost of housing went down... The curse is ours to give. It's Jews not wanting to be Jews… The town council can't curse us. We voted for Mrs. Milt. We started wearing the baseball hat to voting booths and covering up our Jewish stars... Their fear of us has turned into our fear... Moav fearing the Jews is fine. They can join forces and speak of how annoying Bernie and Karen and Pinny are... They are annoying. But once we we don't click the box, we're separating from them. We're now fearing the ones we love... Yes. They're annoying. We love them, but they are annoying... The curse is not from Gd. It’s from us. We need more Jewish people connecting. Our Bar Mitzvah boy, Johnny... How do you connect? You check the box... Not by going to shul or visiting Israel. Just check the box. We need you to check that box, ‘Jewish’… It’s not enough to vote. We’ve seen what voting can do to the shul board. The vice president… You’re not Jewish? It’s fine. It’s for the census… You’re not town council? You’re here for the Bar Mitzvah?... You can still donate. The question that H’ has for us is, ‘Who are you hanging around?’ Who are you voting for? What is it these people want from you? Did you ever realize that I don’t hang out with any of the congregants?... The casino? I go alone. Never with a congregant. (Bamidbar 22:9) H’ asks Bilam, ‘Who are these people with you?’ H’ doesn’t care. He’s not jealous that He wasn’t invited for the sleepover party. They're annoying anyways. You can't get any sleep in a sleeping bag. We must ask ourselves who we are around. That is where are blessing is from… Who do you spend your time with Johnny?... I mean. Who do you spend your time with them?... Are you hanging out with Mrs. Milt? Are you spending time with people that hate Jews? Are you sitting in Shlomo's section, in the back left of shul? When you spend time with the wrong people, you start to hate. You start to curse... I know the kids are coming back from camp, using foul language. Pirkei Avot ‘Go to a place of Torah.’ ‘Stay away from bad neighbors and don’t be friends with an evil person.’ Why anybody lives here… It’s not you. It’s because you're spending too much time in Shlomo's section. That is where the curse is coming from… Other people may want to curse us. Don’t hang out with them. Why do you want to be around people that are putting you down all the time?... ‘Hey dumb one… And you should die… Poopie face...’ That’s not the kind of people you should be hanging with… Spending time with people who put others down all the time… Because they fear. And that fear brings a hatred. And then those people want to curse. And the next thing you know, they're calling people a Meshugana. It's offensive... If we can learn anything from this week's Torah portion, it is that there is only one way for unity, and that is hate. It’s staying away from people. As you go out to this world, our dear Bar Mitzvah, do not join with anybody. Be an individual. People only join together to do bad. They will work together to bring you down. When they fear you, that's when they become one. Look at Shlomi's section. Conspiring as we speak. Look at the Ms. Milt supporters. Look at Sadie... I know you don't like the tent over my parking spot. It's hate Sadie... You'll see how they all join together to correct every mistake you make when you read the Torah... You have the chance to be a good Bilam. Don't hang around people who fear Jews. Don't become disgusted with yourself. Make the right decision and donate to the new building fund... Come to shul, but stay away from them. Check the Jewish box... Don't worry about coming to shul. Check the box. May we be zoyche to the final redemption, of unison without them. Rivka’s Notes on Rebbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi's short sermon was very long, as he gave a sermon before his short sermon. And then he started speaking to the Bar Mitzvah boy. Which means, he repeated what he said, for the Bar Mitzvah boy. He does this thing where he talks to the Bar Mitzvah boy, but we are all still there. So, we have to listen. And then he gets mad when we talk during the sermon. But we have no idea he is talking to us. I think we're supposed to watch the Bar Mitzvah interaction. It's proper etiquette to not talk. And the new seats in shul are theater seats. Referring to everybody as ‘them’ confused people. Everybody thought the rabbi was specifically not referring to them throughout the speech. He had to change it back to ‘you,’ ‘he’ and ‘she’ so that they knew who he was rebuking. I think the problem is that people are identifying as ‘they.’ We need them to be identifying as ‘Jewish.’ The Bar Mitzvah boy was confused. I think the family was trying to figure out why there was so much hate in the community. The rabbi was very taken aback at the town council meeting. He brought that all to the shul. The Bar Mitzvah boy also didn’t know if he should be going to shul where people are or not. It was a big day for the Johnny. He was told he was turning into a man. I heard he got back home and told his parents he's moving out. He claimed that he had more of a chance of supporting his family if he moved to New York. The speech being given before the Bar Mitzvah boy's reading of the Torah instilled a lot of fear in the kid. The rabbi was not happy with the town council meeting. He also didn’t like that there was no handshaking on the screen. He later complained that nobody identifies with people sitting in their home and watching TV during a meeting, with a blank screen. As he said, ‘Nobody says I want to be part of that community, where you can’t see half the people.’ The rabbi does feel that it would be better if most of our communities were not seen. Many of them are nosy and annoying, and we’ve lost many potential members because of shul regulars not being absent on Shabbat. If Bilam would’ve cursed the Jews with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, Moav would’ve had a chance. Kiddish didn’t have enough meatballs. Said they were bringing it for the table. That was a lie And one of the members decided they should share their opinion on how we should vote for the Town Council. They called us all racist and said that we should vote knowing we are all racist. His message was that even though they are anti-Israel and anti-Semitic that doesn’t mean we should be racist and not vote for them. I didn’t understand it. It was nice that they sponsored the Kiddish in honor of the kids graduating. Everybody left the kiddish and went home. In the end, the Jewish community voted anti-Semitic. The rabbi took excellent advantage of the visitors from around the community. Making an appeal to non-members was the right thing to do. Members don’t donate to the shul. It’s much smarter to ask people who never come to give. It’s also good he caught them before the Kiddish. If they would’ve had any of the sardines, they would’ve given nothing. Who serves sardines at Kiddish?! They definitely weren’t happy not getting meatballs. Only members know how to maneuver their way to the Kiddish table violently. Handing out donation cards after his sermon was brilliant. They all flipped high hundreds. Some thousands. Our secretary figured out who they were. She’s into forensics. She figured out their addresses based on their fingerprints. She misses nobody. I think they learned well that if they want to curse Jews, they have to pay dues. To get more Jews to check the box and identify as proud, we decided to bring in an athlete who was not Shomer Mitzvot. We don’t even think he is Jewish. He has a Jewish parent, but he himself is not Jewish. Once he came and said ‘being Jewish is good,’ the census numbers went up. Less people kept Mitzvot. But the number of people wanting to be Jewish rose. They thought their kids had more of a chance at making the NFL or the NBA if they were Jewish. We also served falafel at the event. And we had some people on the sides saying that they hate Jews. As many are looking for friends, they thought it would be good to help if they had an identity. Mark and Simone as names isn’t enough to make for identity. The annual board meeting helped with the anti-Semitism. The members of the board decided to run for town council. Their platform, ‘We hate Jews.’ Shabbat Kiddish luncheon had no challah. People had to eat twice. The whitefish was gone and there was no challah or crackers. How that happened is a miracle that our congregation will be discussing at the next board meeting. Tags:
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Doing it the way only Lenny can, with his keyboard. I believe Lenny ditched the guitarist the next concert, when he realized his keyboard can do that too. The other guy is good for appearance still (photo from Alchetron)
Lenny Solomon revolutionized Jewish music when he decided to stop doing Jewish songs in Hebrew. He took the pop hits and turned them into Jewish hits. He realized that the greatest way to make a hit, is to take a hit and make it a hit.
The art of taking the music of others and changing the words has helped the world of Jewish music grow, without using Jewish music. Since the pop revelation, Lenny Solomon has been Shlock rocking with his Shlock Rock, making it to communities all over the globe and spreading the word of non-Jewish songs to Jews. Some songs may have been written by Jews, but we still parody them, as we make them Jewish. What makes Jewish parody unique to other forms of parody is its ability to leave out anything funny. So lets Shlok Rock. Here are some of Lenny's Shlock Rock greats. Making Aliyah Today tune of 'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen Lyrics: Gotta call from a man today. It was my Rabbi he said move away. Go to a place where the land is good. Land of milk and Honey and Brotherhood. I was Born in the U.S.A, Now I’m Making Aliyah Today. (2X) Explanation: Aliyah means moving to Israel. In this song, Lenny Solomon took the most patriotic American song and changed it 180 to leaving the USA. The message is more important than the song. I can't wait to hear what Lenny does to John Mellencamp's 'Small Town.' Those lyrics will show as, 'I was born in a small town. And now I live in New York City. I'm happy I left the small town. Never wanted to live in that same small town.' It should've been called 'Born in the USA,' but that would be plagiarism. To Unite All Jews tune of 'With or Without You' by U2 Lyrics: To unite all Jews. To unite a-all Jews, right now. I can't wait, to unite all Jews. Explanation: Love songs are frowned upon, unless singing to Gd. Hence, we had to change the U2 song. Until Bono writes Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs), we are not singing his lyrics. I think we all have to rethink our concept of romance. Abarbanel tune of 'Barbara Ann' by the Beach Boys Lyrics: Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abarbanane-e-el. We think you're swe-e-el. Abarbane-e-el. Explanation: I still don't know who the Abarbanel is. He was definitely a rabbi who lived a long time ago. He has a commentary on the Mishna and is a great rabbi. They should've said 'we think you're grey-ey-eyt,' but that doesn't rhyme with his name. To note, that 'ey' is there for phonetic reasons. I believe this article should be a seminar. I also believe 'Abar bar bar bar bar barnel' should be repeated more. It's fun, and unlike 'Barbara Ann,' which I always thought was 'Barbaran,' you don't think the name is something else. The song goes on, 'Went to a shiur. Thought it would be queer. Saw Abarbanel, Now I’m learning for a year. Abarbanel.' I believe those lyrics were fine in the '80s. Listen to Safam's 'Just another Foreigner' for more great lyrics that were fine in the '80s, like 'I met a man from Addis Ababa. His skin was black and his features kind of strange.' So many great Jewish songs written by Lenny, none greater than my favorite 'Am Yisrael Chai.' A song that never made it as big, because he wrote the tune. He should've used one of Whitney Houston's for that. It would still be a hit. Lenny figured out the formula. You take a classic and it's a classic. How Lenny Solomon can turn any rock song into an instant Jewish classic is something that only Vanilla Ice could understand. Through Shlock Rock, he took every song and made it Jewish. And somehow, through the irony of doing it, the Jewish parody makes you laugh. Thanks to 'The Boss,' Lenny Solomon is a Jewish legend. People being educated by songs is questionable to me. Even so, there's so much we can learn, especially when Lenny sings of the 'Minyan Man.' If somebody were to ask me, right now, how to connect to Judaism, I would tell them to read a book. ***Next time we'll talk about parodying Men At Work into Hebrew. We will delve into how Piamenta revolutionized Jewish music to the next level, opening up the concept of not writing the tune or the lyrics. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Chukat6/18/2021 
Rabbi’s Bar Mitzvah Parsha. I don’t think he practices it. If more of our congregants read Hebrew, it would’ve been embarrassing.
The Women’s Issues class got everybody mad. They thought it would be a good discussion. Fran just wanted to complain about women’s voting rights in America. She kept on going off on how it was granted too late. She blamed the rabbi for that. They’re always mad at the shul about the women not being required in time-bound Mitzvot. The sisterhood is never on time to shul. I don’t get it. Barbara shows up late to every meeting anyways. Got a new booth for COVID. It’s a plastic separator. When people get up for an Aliyah, it looks like they’re making Matzah. We had a no mask rule in our town, but some people wore it for over a year. Even after their vaccine. Right now, I believe Dan is making a statement. He’s been vaccinated and is triple masking in his house. He posts the pictures on social media. His wife never looks happy in the pictures. In one of the pictures, you can see her sneezing right on him. Speaking about the lack of care. Wishing people a Refuah Sheleyma, ‘a full healing,’ is starting to mean nothing. The congregants like to say it. Saying ‘feel better’ makes them feel like they did their duty. The proverbial wearing of the mask once vaccinated, but staying far away. Nobody visited Yanky, who got injured during Hagba last week. The guy lifted the Torah and opened it six columns, and whacked Yanky with the wooden stake. Everybody has been adding in an extra prayer to their postAliyah Mishebeyrach, as could be seen in shul. But nobody showed the actual care of doing. Of visiting Yanky. Nobody invited the rabbi for lunch last week, and nobody visited Yanky in the hospital. They all said ‘Amen’ that somebody else should take care of him. Mishebeyrachs were extended real long, with extra prayers for Yanky, which showed that they also didn’t care about people’s time. The Parah Aduma seems to be about duty. Caring is pure when it is a duty. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha (Sermon) Shabbat Shalom My Congregants We need healing. This shul needs a healing. A repentance. A way to turn around… Refuah Sheleyma to Yanky and all of Klal Yisrael… Non-Jews as well. Yes. They can be healthy. Maybe they should be… Can somebody at least say ‘Amen’? No care in this place. Very impure… Let’s focus our prayers. Tefillah. Too much impurity. I can barely breath… Sweat is also a form of impurity. Next Friday, please shower. You all smell so disgusting… Sprinkling the Red Heifer blood mix on you would help. But we don’t have it. So what do we do?… Who set the air-conditioning… There’s no air-conditioning. 70 degrees is not a setting for air-conditioning. It feels like we’re burning an offering. It should be a for an atonement… That’s why everybody’s sweating. We’ve found the Teshuva… This week’s Parsha talks of atonement… Everything we do has a chance for atonement. I don’t know if Sarah can makeup for her potato kugel… I heard there was a lice breakout last week… I told you to not use the Kippahs from the Yarmulke bin… You’re wearing masks, but Yarmulkes worn by 90 different people who haven’t bathed… How do we deal with impurity? How do we atone? Does anybody have a red cow?... Exactly… (Bamidbar 19:3) ‘And he slaughters (shechts) it before him.’ Elazar goes with the Parah Aduma, red heifer. Another guy goes with him and shechts it… Do Kohens do any work? We even have to wash their hands here at Shavuot Musaf… Parshat Chukat begins with one of the most perplexing statements. (19:2) ‘This is the Chok/statute of the Torah.' The red heifer is a statute. No questions... This way, nobody's asking why we don't use Tim's green heifer. Rashi comments, saying that you may not think about it. Meaning, that you do it without questioning it. Like everytime we try to have a decent shul breakfast and everybody's wondering why we don't have mashed potatoes, when have hash browns. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Even so, we are still commanded to do it as much as any Mitzvah, even if there is no apparent reason… You mess up the Mitzvot that have a reason… Visiting the sick? You don’t do it!!! When I tell you to bring out watermelon for Kiddish, you bring out a watermelon basket… Now we’re eating watermelon with toothpicks. It’s disgusting… Just do. If the Jewish people had a choice with tithes… No. They wouldn’t tithe… Does changing the curtains and tablecloths to white make sense?... It’s not Yom Kippur all year long. You see the dirt… Does having a shul BBQ with twelve hamburgers make sense?... Saving money? You use the building fund money. Does the building fund make sense?… Why Fran wants to be required to be in shul for prayers?... If she was, she wouldn’t show… You don’t… Stop thinking! There are many in this congregation that think it’s fine to question the rabbi. To the plastic seat section with them… You don’t deserve to sit in the seats we got from Finny’s Cinematics… Everybody loves the flip down seats. Except Brian who constantly rips his pants, because he doesn’t do the pocket hold slide back… Yes. It makes noise when everybody gets up for the Amidah and the chairs flip back… These are rules and they are correct. Some rules may not be questioned. Like my parking spot… Members attacked the decision to siphon the building funds for the new rabbinical parking spot campaign. When we give, we don’t question… It’s Tzedaka. We don’t question. When the rabbi takes, it’s not something you question. Questioning makes you impure… You make dumb decisions anyways. We are not going to question this campaign anymore… Because it’s a campaign, Bernie. You don’t question campaigns… You think I know what the $2,000,000 building fund is going for? I hope it’s going to pay for a new curtain… Shandy’s pick of an ark cover is… The money should be used for our new Refuah Sheleyma Sick Visit fund… We need a fund, because you don't do it! There is a going to be a cover put up over the rabbi’s spot. There are reasons… The rabbi’s car not getting hit by rain. Sun doesn’t hurt the car?! We’re not going to discuss… Not white. What is important is that it’s a stature made by the rabbi. ‘The rabbi’s spot must have a cover and a weekly scrub by our dear custodian, Sam.’ Religion is based on trust. We trust the Parah Aduma… Yes. Even if we don’t know what it’s supposed do… Do you trust Fran?... Exactly. The trust of the Parah Aduma makes you holy. It purifies. It’s purified water of impurity (Bamidbar 19:12-13)… You must trust the decisions made by the rabbi. The summer day camp being in the evenings. Who didn’t love that? The rabbi’s decision, so that you don’t have to see your little ones at night… The Kashrut plan for all bakeries. Thanks to me we have the heaviest Jewish community per capita… A raise for the rabbi… No questions. I am bringing you closer to Gd. Which is why the rabbi gets a new car… To put in the spot… We understand so little. But we don’t accept that… None of you know how Yanky feels. Do we know how kids going to sleep late during the summer affects them? The board doesn’t know how to use an air-conditioner correctly… 70 was the winter temperature. For heating… The Parah Aduma/red heifer may not make sense to us, but we still depend on it to be holy… There are times in life where many of the Mitzvot don’t make sense. The building fund. There’s got to be a point where the building is OK. But you always have to give to the building fund… We don’t know why there’s always an issue in the building… Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to keep kosher, when you’re at a business meeting in McDonalds. I’ve been to McDonalds and they don’t sell kosher meat… If it was a bakery, I would’ve made it kosher. It's the moments of starvation and extreme non-enjoyment that have us questioning. But we keep the Mitzvot, and that is what makes us holy… So too, we must accept all the decisions of the rabbi as correct, in order to be holy... Parking spot cover! And get a new awning for the parking lot. It’s the same material… I am asking you to come to shul and to not think. Do stuff that makes no sense to you, so we can have a Minyin. I am asking you to bring your own Yarmulkes… Kippa box was used… That's disgusting. Bring your own Yarmulke… And bathe... There was a lice breakout in the shul because of the nylon yarmulkes… You don’t even know the Millmers… The Goldmans? It wasn’t your Bat Mitzvah to wear a Kippah from… Why do I have to explain? You weren’t there. The problem is we are contaminated. If he contaminates the Tabernacle, ‘he is cut off from Israel’ (19:13). Cut off… You can’t join in the services with lice all over you… Who should we cut off? We have to purify ourselves. You touch a dead person, you have to purify with the water of sprinkling on the third and seventh day, or you remain impure (Bamidbar 19:12)… Do you know how many dead people have worn those Kippahs?... It’s from the Goldman Bar Mitzvah of 1930… The word used for purifying is ‘Cheyt,’ which is sin as well… You’ve got to use what you have to purify. All you have are sins… And bathe... Yes. The Golden Calf. You would’ve been part of that… You’re making up for that… There's no red heifer now. You can't purify those hair follicle stains... (Bamidbar 19:9) ‘A man who is clean shall gather the ashes of the cow and place them outside the camp in a clean place, to be kept for water of sprinkling for Israel… It is for cleansing.’ Still. We must be cleansed. We still make up for it…. Sin… All your good deeds and purification is to make up for your sins… Red Cow, Golden Cow, what’s the difference?... You purify for it. The Golden Calf was our first… ‘A safekeeping.’ A safekeeping links us to our past. The Parah Aduma ashes are to be guarded. It reminds us to do. Tradition. To repent. To follow your rabbi. It is there to make holy. We are talking about making holy. We need our shul to be holy. How do we do that? By following. Not thinking. But following the rabbi. (Bamidbar 19:4) ‘And Elazar the Kohen shall take of its blood with his finger, and sprinkle it…’ Elazar did do work, as you rabbi does… I am going to sprinkle on the front row… (19:3) The person who went with Elazar to shecht was another Kohen. (19:5) Somebody else seems to have burned it in front of him. You can’t ask people to do too much… We sometimes need to focus what we do… Do something. Be part of the shul and do something... The less, the better. As we see with the curtain and the air-conditioning. Visit the sick. We are all part of that Mitzvah… Even women. We all have to take part. We have to see the holiness of the congregation and safeguard it… What are we safeguarding? I can’t answer that. It’s the Chukim. It’s a statue… It’s not annoying. It’s visiting the sick. It’s women not being commanded in time-bound Mitzvot… I don’t know why. They’re just not commanded… Do it. Nobody is saying not to do. Just not required. Don’t ask questions and Daven three times a day. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Nobody liked the rabbi dumping water on them in the front row. The sprinkle was more of a throw. When he threw it, he hit the fifth row as well, and the lady’s section. The rabbi’s message was very strong. We all know what a Chok is now. The rabbi didn’t have to answer questions for two months following that speech. He just said, ‘It’s a Chok.’ Once people started asking for Lulavim and Etrogim, around Sukkot, the rabbi had to give an answer when they asked how much it costs. The rabbi got his parking spot covered. The board had a meeting about the car. The rabbi didn’t like that. The women were happy to hear that they were part of the Mitzvah of visiting the sick. That made up for voting. The women were not happy that they were required to visit Yanky. Fran complained that it killed her day and she had no time to run errands for the family. The ‘Red Cow, Golden Cow, what’s the difference’ line got a lot of people mad. They thought it was anti-Semitic to blame Jews for the Golden Calf. It was too similar to the Goldberg, Iceberg joke. Campaigns in the community started using the Chok idea. They just said that we’re going to be using the money. The IRS wanted to know what it was for, so the rabbi called the IRS a bunch of heretics. The rabbi had many people excited about going to McDonalds. He spoke about it like it was heavenly. I believe their eating out was his sin. Though, he did make every bakery and ice cream shop in town kosher. I don’t know how he did it, but Belinda’s Blondie Shop is kosher too. He really likes desserts. They decided to clean the kippahs in the Kippah bin. They also decided to clean the doilies. Cleaning them with blood-stained water did not do the job. I think that was against the law itself. They had to put it in the wash, after everything was tie dyed red. People were using the doilies for challah too. The wicker baskets were full of them. Hygiene is now a thing. They think that’s why people got sick. The elbow handshake is turning into a thing too. People used to sneeze into their hands and shake. Right hand. That’s the shaking hand. Yanky got a lot of visitors. Not because people wanted to go. But because it was a statute of the rabbi. He lost a lot of sleep and felt sicker. It was a 24 hour loop of visitors. The shul had to refigure what the Mitzvah of visiting the sick should be. Yanky presented at that meeting, saying, ‘I was in the middle of a good series and everybody interrupted me.’ They decided to not work the air-conditioning for a while, as it was blowing too much heat. Then they brought down the temperature and it worked. I just hope the rabbi works on the layning (Torah reading) for next year. That added another twenty minutes to services. Not including his forty-five minute sermon. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album6/17/2021 Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick and Mordechai Stein for sharing what's wrong with their lives, with us. 
Voting in April, Israelis stick strong to tradition. When we vote in Israel, we make sure that no technology is used... The people in the back are baffled and amused that the president of Israel has to mail his own letters.
Practicing the Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day tradition of hanging the flag from my car window, until I forget and leave the window down.
This is what being at home does to kids. She now believes that if she is close enough, she can meet those people... We will keep trying to figure out why little ones stand right at the TV.
His window reads 'thanks to You G-d.' He cut me off. Left to right lane. No blinkers. I hope people with belief in H' follow traffic rules in the future. I believe that will make the roads safer... He might have added that sticker because he knew he would cut me off. (David Kilimnick getting out his frustration)
The Israel hotel breakfast smuggling mechanism. I never thought I would be able to sneak that much out... All excited about the food, we left the baby in the dining room.
Mordechai's Frum front door... That's Frum. A family that uses their washing cup (Natlan for Negel Vasser) to water the plants. That's a religious home... Those plants have been watered and purified. The neighbors are wondering why there is no rose spout on it.
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A good Jew is always davens, even when working out
Summer is here and it's time to get in shape. No holidays now, other than Tisha BAv and the fast day of Yud Zayin Tamuz, giving us the chance to take off some weight for the summer.
There are so many different kinds of gyms nowadays, all based on different exercises. Here are some popular gym workouts and how Jews have adapted them to Frum life, so that they can get their summer Bungalow Body. Crossfit Many Crossfit workouts, like hurricanes, are named after people. For example, there is the Fran, named after a 90 year old lady who can't do pullups. This workout is known as the Rivka Chaya. This is where you chase your kids around shul for twenty-five minutes on Saturday morning, and then stand in the back and pray for three minutes, and then repeat. This Work Out of the Day, WOD, consists of four rounds and lasts two hours. Running after kids is a great shul workout, if you want to disturb everybody’s prayers. You can also add in the yelling at your kids in shul. Yelling at your child, Rivka Chaya, is a traditional part of this WOD. HIIT – High Intensity Interval Training We do this when we bend down to get on the floor on Yom Kippur. Many people know this movement as Burpees. Some of us call it prostrating ourselves, and it is hard. Once a year is enough. We only do this HIIT workout on the High Holidays, as the grunting sounds heard when people bend in shul disturbs the Chazan's repetition of Musaf. Muslims get down on the floor and prayer burpee every day; which is why Muslims are usually in better shape than Jews. Muslims also fast for a month. We burpee and fast on Yom Kippur, then spend the rest of the month recuperating and complaining. Spinning Anything stationary is perfect. We like to exercise by not moving. Second to getting up to get the remote control, the stationary bike is the Jewish workout of choice. Pilates Jewish Yoga done with machines otherwise used to execute people. You do Pilates to hopefully be forgiven for your sins that may still be there from Yom Kippur. This is why you exercise by placing yourself in these contraptions of self-inflicted retribution. Don't worry about your ability level. Even if you can't do a split, the Pilates machine will make sure you do. The machine has been used before to rip apart limbs. Similarly, there is Feldenkrais; an exercise style developed in Israel, where you place yourself in positions of self-inflicted pain, in order to feel good. I don’t do Feldenkrais, because I feel like I am sinning when I say the name. Although, I screamed out 'Feldenkrais' when I stubbed my toe. Go To The Gym Watch other people work out. That is stressful enough. You can do this using the machines as well, standing on the treadmill or even sitting on one of the many benches. I generally like to sit on the adductor machine. That is quite comfortable. Great backrest. I would suggest going to your local JCC to watch the non-Jews workout. The stress caused by seeing people lifting that much over their head, and worrying if it will drop, will definitely take off some calories and get a bissel of a shvitz going. Going to the gym and watching, you can get involved in multiple workouts at the same time. I remember once watching somebody circuit training, another lifting weights, another doing plyometrics, and then somebody on the elliptical machine. That was an intense trip to the gym for me. Note of Importance: Make sure you’re known at the gym first. Otherwise, this could come off as a bit creepy; especially if you’re sitting in front of their machine and staring right at them. Circuit Training Go from station to station. You've got this one. You do this at the smorgasbord already. Pesach Plate Lifts Lifting weights is about the amount of plates you're pushing. You lift the plate with the Matzah at the Seder table. Great shoulder workout. It doesn’t end there. Passover is done. Now it is time restock the Passover silverware and china. Lift those plates while standing on a ladder; a post Passover three-hour workout. Core and shoulders work as the rest of the family watches TV, just like they did when you cleaned for Passover. Aerobics This is known as Simcha Dancing. To do Jewish Party Dancing well, you will want to master the grapevine. The Jewish shin-high kick and knee lifts to ankle height are also part of this aerobic movement; generally done in lines or circles. This exercise is best practiced with a live band in between the pasta, schnitzel, cola and eating the souffle. Go to Gym Overly Dressed Many say that their Jewish friends try to look too good when going to the gym. I say, “Look good. That’s the way to workout.” Wearing more clothes works to help you lose weight. You sweat much more sitting in long sleeves and layers. Most people in the gym are not losing weight, because they’re wearing shorts. You show up in sweatpants and a denim skirt, you are losing weight and looking good. Add on makeup. Do you know how much sweat makeup adds to a workout?! Rivka Chaya can tell you how much sweat makeup adds to a workout. You can keep fit as a religious Jew. Keep active with your Jewish traditions and always workout in Shabbat clothes. If you can make it to Israel, you will keep in shape trying to get to lunch. Just stepping outside in the Tel Aviv summer heat, you will be shvitzing. If you can’t make it to Israel, then head to shul and make sure they turn off the air-conditioning. Stay in shape with the community, at shul. You want classes? Shul is full of them. Gemara is a great way to take off a few. And you can even build strength if you carry a big one. For more aerobics, you also have the Kiddush walk away from people you don’t want to talk to. And then you have the silent prayer group bowing, to help work the core. So, keep fit and go to shul! ***Next time we will delve into more popular shul and holiday workouts, to help you keep that Bungalow Body. We will also talk about the most popular Jewish sport, going to the Shvitz. 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Sermons of Rebuke: Korach6/11/2021 
Nobody is inviting anybody for meals anymore. They figure that they are lonely, and if they were invited then they wouldn’t be lonely anymore. That would kill their identity to Judaism. Identity is the big focus now. Keeping Mitzvot is not important. We don't care if people are showing up to communal events right now. We need numbers. We just want people saying they're Jewish. The last town census showed a 20% loss in local Jewry. Martha and her family left. That brought down the numbers. We need more people checking the 'Jewish' box. Do what you want, be alone, say you're Jewish. So, the decision was made to not tarnish their reputation and identity with invites.
Rabbi had no Friday night dinner. Nobody invited him. Nobody knew he didn’t know how to cook. He talked about it a lot. It was painful. I think the rabbi took that into the sermon, when he called everybody a defector. Not having decent matzah balls on Friday night can do that to a good Jewish leader. I think him and his wife agreed that she can’t travel out of town without him anymore, unless if Shabbat dinner is made. His kids were starving and the shul had to start a ‘feed the rabbi’s kids more stuff with potatoes’ fund. Rabbi is mad. He called everybody a Korach. I think it’s because nobody invited him for dinner. No Kohen this week, again. The Gabai just yelled it out from the Bima, ‘Is there a Kohen here.’ Then, he looked around and remembered that he knows everybody. There were no guests. The Mindlowitzs were there. They still didn’t join. I don’t think they’ll ever pay dues. They come in once a month, so they don’t need to pay. It’s a good scam. It was hard to be in shul this week. A lot of fights amongst the board. Nobody can decide if the Kiddish should be dairy, meat or pareve. So there was no Kiddish too. Everybody looks depressed. The following week, we had half the turnout, due to no Kiddish. Everybody is complaining about the shul this week. The chairs are tiny. They’re so small that some people even requested pews. For people to request pews, to have armrests eight feet apart, and wood, the chairs have got to be bad or too small. The seat padding on the pew in the chapel flies all over. It's only half a cushion. The shul chairs were put up in the ‘60s. People were smaller then. People are huge now. Mark can’t sit without ripping his pockets. The armrest gets him every time. He sits and the pocket tears. He comes with new pants every week. He hasn’t figured out how to slide back into the seat with an inward pocket push. I do it with my dress. Ripped at least eight dresses last year. Sitting in a shul is a Psik Reisha (something forbidden on Shabbat because you will definitely violate a Shabbat law, passively, if you do it- such as cutting off a chicken's head, which kills it- sitting in a chair kills pants). You sit and you’re definitely going to do something forbidden, like ripping. It should be illegal on Shabbat. People are very confrontational now. Pinchas is mad about the glare he gets with the Tachnun, every time he lays his head on his arm. I told him to cover the glare with his arm. He doesn’t get it. He’s bending in supplication. If the glare makes him feel closer to Gd, he shouldn’t be complaining about it. At Kiddish last week, somebody took crackers with their hands. She got berated in front of everybody. This new shul situation, with this pandemic, has everybody on edge. Before this whole pandemic everybody was sneezing and shaking hands, coughing in the Tam Tams. All are blaming it on the rabbi. The rabbi is right. They’re a bunch of Korachs. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants. Anymore complaints? Please let them out now. The Gabai is in the back on the right. He’ll… I’ve been listening to complaints all week… I’m not a priest. I don’t have a complaint booth… Who here would be confessing? You would be coming to complain on the daily… The small seats in shul. The glare. Earlier babysitting... I'm sorry the sun rises on your side... You're the only one who comes with a three year old before 10:45... Don’t be a Korach. You asked if there was a Kohen… Why didn’t you ask before?... You’re shy??? You yelled it out in the middle of shul ‘A Kohen here?’… That’s not shy… This isn’t a shteibel… We don’t turn people into Kohens… You walk over… Yes. You interrupt the davening. Nobody cares about the Chazan’s repetition anyways… Asking if there is a Kohen? Are you trying to start an uprising? (Bamidbar 16:1) Korach ‘took himself.’ Bad happens when you take yourself. It’s the selfishness… Sit two seats over and there's no issue with the armrest… You think it’s going to be better with pews? Frank will take up two pew… It’s meant for four. With Frank, we’ll get one and a half on it… Selfish. It’s going to be better with pews? It's a seat with no armrests, Bernie... You clamp the pockets, do the slideback, they don't rip on the armrest... Rashi explains that he separated himself and the people. ‘To take’ means to separate. That was the sin… You take for you… You don’t think about anybody else… At the shul BBQ last year. How many hot dogs? You took twelve, Bernie… You separated the hot dogs for yourself... It's for you. You take matzah ball soup and you don’t share. You don’t do Mitzvot… You don’t invite the rabbi for dinner when his wife is out of town… Don't get me started on your kids at Kiddish... How many Stella D'oro Swiss Fudges does Pinny need? He took the platter... Coughed on them... Many start an uprising in the Parsha this week. They join Korach and ‘gather’ against Moshe and Aaron (16:3). How many of you joined Felvel in his march for bigger latkes? The breakaway Minyin for yam latkes... Yes. Seven months later, I am going off on this. Who else makes the latkes for latke night?... They gather, like this congregation, to complain… You complain about everything. The chairs. The length of the Aliyahs. The Kiddish food. The sales at Kroger’s… I have nothing to do with the coupon system… They gather against… If you guys gathered for a Minyin in the middle of the week, that would be great. You gather to complain… If you gathered to feed the lonely. Maybe to let the Gabai know when a Kohen is visiting… He wouldn’t be screaming it out in the middle of shul. Causing a Kohen uprising… I’m not a Kohen. I’m a rabbi… You hired me!!! Firing would be an act against Gd at this point. Yes… ‘Kahal’ is the root word. The same root as congregation… The question is what are you gathering for? If it’s to open up your homes to give people a bit of matzah ball soup, when their spouse is out of town… A bunch of Korach followers... He's dead... They rose up against Moshe... It was all against. It was selfish. They wanted to take for themselves… (Bamidbar 16:3) ‘Why do you raise yourself above this congregation?’ Moshe and Aaron were met with a struggle for those who wanted power. Next time, Moshe and Aaron will maybe think twice when H’ asks them to lead the Jewish people… Next time they want me to stay at Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah, I’ll be thinking twice. I’ve heard you talking behind my back… My children roam the halls and they hear talking… Your children repeat… No. You hate Trump… Your five-year-old does not have an opinion… You hired me. That’s why I’m here. How many times… And you don’t invite for dinner… I don’t know how to cook… My wife was gone… The kids ate fish sticks for Shabbat. Not even gefilte… You were all too busy complaining to care about Mitzvot. You all just wanted to be noticed… They rose up against Moshe. It was ‘men of name’ (Bamidbar 16:2). It was the leaders. The leaders always mess things up. The awning committee. You did nothing... It's still flapping... What kind of leaders are you? Are you like Korach and his followers? Are you like the spies, ‘leaders’ of the tribes (13:2)? The spies were leaders and men of name too… Do we want leaders or followers… We want people that will follow. You just all have to learn how to sing… We’re going to sing right now. I’m going to teach you a song. It goes, ‘And the whole’… Wait for me to start and then you repeat it… Men who were chosen to be leaders of the people. That is who are complaining about their not being leaders… People always want more. It’s not enough that there are cushions on the seats. You want bigger seats… Then we are going to start a shul diet. It’s when people have power, they want more. Men of name. Meaning, they were important people in the nation. They were the sons of Levi… Nobody cares about Benjamin’s children. The Pinkskowitz family is… Korach already had connection to the holy service. But it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. They were not able to see Moshe and Aaron as the designated leaders… They weren’t talented. The spies were people with names and leaders. We need people without names leading this shul. Mr. Cohen has a name... He's not a Kohen... You called him up as a Kohen. We’re not changing the Gabai. We respect the leaders. We respect the Kohens of this shul… Are there any Kohens here?... Not one Kohen. And you all still rise up and complain. Unlike Korach, in this congregation, we chose people for their post based on their place. Mrs. Frankel is in charge of keeping that section quiet… Because they talk there, and she is sitting there. If she were to have to keep the front right quiet, that would make too much of a raucous… I understand that all of Levites think you’re hot stuff, leaving shul to wash the hands of the Kohens… There are no Kohens. You just get up and leave. You’re separating yourselves… It’s not even a Chag. Our tradition is to only wash hands on holidays. We all want to get out of listening to the cantor’s repetition. But we suffer through the ‘Yismichu BMalchutcha tune, again. For 20 years. Every Shabbat. We deal with it… Because we don’t separate… No Hymie. You have to get some melodies people like… Yes. We all want to cry. Tears of emotional connection to our departed. Not tears of pain of having to listen to… Exactly. We have no new members, just as we have no new tunes. The new tunes stopped with the last new member. People stopped joining… We need new beats. Funk it up a little… Some Billy Joel… Moshe tells Korach (16:9) ‘Is it not enough that H’ separated you… to do the work of the Tabernacle…’ Instead of attacking the leaders, lets see how we can do the work with them and help… Help the Gabai. He has no idea who the Kohens are. There was a Mr. Cohen Number Four. He got three Aliyahs this week… He has no idea. He just calls him up Kohen Ben Kohen… He’s the son of a Kohen. To see the attacking of Aaron bothered Moshe even more. ‘What is Aaron that you complain about him?’ (Bamidbar 16:10). Is it that great? He has a role. Does the Gabai know what he’s doing?... You make it difficult with your names. Michale Ben Moshe Efraim… How many ancestors? Korach takes. Takes for himself to start an uprising. If you’re going to gather. Gather for Kedusha, for holiness. Be inside so that we can have a Minyin… You gather outside for shots... Don’t start a rebellion and take away the members… I know you’re trying to start a breakaway. I am telling you to not gather, as Korach and his people, for Kavod. Honor doesn’t come when you have a Minyin in a basement for five years… It's not fun when you're eating breakfast and Simmy is knocking on your door to see if you need a tenth... It’s the service of H’… Yes. Korach is killed with his followers. Maybe they’ll get injured on the steps of the house. I don’t think the breakaway shul has insurance… It looks like the walking dead. This shul is depressing… Looking out at you is depressing… Who's not hear because of Kaddish?... Watch this. Sid. Come up here… Look at how depressing it is to see the congregation… People are breaking away from this… Are they getting a Minyin? What are you following in? What are you leading in? Are you doing it for the people? To take… You’re like Korach. You want more Aliyahs for yourself… There is no answer for Moshe when he asks what Aaron did to protest against him (Bamdibar 16:11). It’s hard to justify selfish. It’s hard to justify not inviting the rabbi for Friday night dinner when his wife is out of town… They had no answer because they wanted nothing. They just wanted what he had. The Kehuna. No reason. Wanted to sit in a pew... Everything was a pew back then... Share. I went to youth groups today. The kids don’t share. The kids don't share their Pokémon cards… Even their football figures... They're takers. They take. Is that what you teach... One cried, and then they took the tea cup from the other kids... It wasn't even a real tea cup. It was a plastic tea cup that looked real... Maybe it should've been real. Everything about it was real, but it was part of a kitchen set... The kitchen set was a toy. So, it was a toy... Datan and Aviram continued the poor perspective of the spies. Instead of joining Moshe and Aaron, and the people, (16:13) they justify with ‘you take us from a land flowing with milk and honey, to die in the desert, and you seek to dominate us…’ They create a new story. They take the story of going to Israel and liken Egypt to what Israel is promised to be. The same way you likened a dairy Kiddish to a meat Kiddish. The same way you likened what a kosher restaurant is supposed to be… You have no seats. It’s not a restaurant… A takeout is not a restaurant. It’s a way to tell people they’re not invited. ‘Take out.’ Might as well have a sign, ‘Don’t eat here’... It's a takeout... A dairy choolante is not a choolante... No more new stories. No more making up stories to justify how much you complain… So much lying in this congregation… Yes. Politics. Shul politics… You're running for shul board. Don't call her an anti-Semite... Her running against you doesn't make her an anti-Semite... Yes. Even if it helps your campaign... They were already the Shabbat Abba. They had to be the Shabbat Ima too... Not everybody can be a Shabbat Abba. Not everybody can be a Kohen.,,, Yes. Mr. Cohen's cousin is a Kohen. He doesn't complain... Fake drinking... Yes. They made the sip noise... Maybe it should've been real. The kitchen set was a toy. So, it was a toy... They were already the Shabbat Abba. They had to be the Shabbat Ima too... Not everybody can be a Shabbat Abba. Not everybody can be a Kohen.,,, Yes. Mr. Cohen's cousin is a Kohen. He doesn't complain... Be a follower. But don't follow Ezra and his wanting huge seats disguised as pews. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha This was the longest sermon Rabbi Mendelchem ever gave, and he's given hour long speeches before. People are going to invite him for Shabbat dinner. Billy Joel was the rabbi’s suggestion for a new beat? This is why Jewish tunes are forty years behind. The Chazan came the next week with a new song. The rabbi hated it, but word got out that there was a new tune and people started joining the congregation. The shul became a center of Jewish growth and weight loss. Singing lessons were mandatory. The rabbi didn’t get past the first verse. He realized that the harmony was just people singing off tune. It seemed as though the rabbi was mocking Korach his whole sermon. Anything bad was ‘Korach.’ Korach got blamed for the nursery school charging too much. Even ‘Mommy and Me’ was blamed on Korach. The sisterhood was called Korachs for not bringing out the brownies on time, at Kiddish. Don’t ask about Ms. Feinblum who took the Kiddish food before the rabbi said to. Korach would take before others. The baseball team was all called Korachs. They lost this season. The whole board? Korach. The Gabai couldn’t find a Kohen. He called out in the middle of shul to see if there was a Kohen. That's when the rebellion fiasco took place. He had nobody to call up for the Aliyah, so he called up a Yisrael in place of a Kohen. The rabbi called him a Korach. The Gabai has been scared to call up people to the Torah for months. He only calls up people after rabbinic approval. The rabbi charges $150 a month for Hashgacha. It's a decent price for his kosher certificate. He made a deal with the Gabai, that he only has to pay $125 a month for the rabbinic approval on the Aliyahs. The Gabai looks for the rabbi’s OK before any Aliyah. Based on the message from Shelach and how the rabbi giving an OK is not his consent, the Gabai is in a hard place right now. No. He doesn’t get paid. It’s a volunteer position. And he has to read the whole Parsha every week, as well. The Gabai has no idea what to do. Only longtime members have been called. No guests are called up. Everybody is offended. The rabbi is right. I walked to the front of the women’s section and looked out. Looking out at the congregation, it does look like the living dead. If the rabbi has to see that everybody Shabbat, I can understand. You look out and you want to say Kaddish. Most of the members started coming once they started saying Kaddish. That’s what they’re thinking about in shul all the time. They come to shul and think about the empty seat next to them. We're having a hard time renting out the shul Simcha Celebration Hall. Now the rabbi is teaching people how to sing, lose weight and to be happy about the loss of loved ones. He thinks that will bring more members. We aren't getting rid of Kaddish. It was discussed, but that will lead to the end of the Minyin. The idea of a cooking competition was brought up, to see who had the choicest dish. But people didn’t want to risk the ground opening, to swallow up Mrs. Schwartz’s babka. Nobody likes her babka, and it wouldn’t have been chosen. The rabbi had his wife cook for him, so he was able to keep his job. Her apple kugel was chosen by the board, and thus the rabbi proved again why he was the rabbi. He was allowed to keep his job. The kids are all fighting in their desire to lead. First it was the Shabbat Abba and Ima. Now they're fighting to open up the ark for Anim Zmirot. Pinny walked out with a black eye, after he made it to the curtain puller real fast. Tuvy attacked him. Tuvy wanted to be the opener, not the closer. There's a lot of politics with the ark opening. Don't get me started with who gets to stand next to the flag for Hatikva, at the end of services. A lot of fighting and crying. Somebody's got to step into this. I think the parents are scared of the violence. They're modern parents and whatever their kids do is right. I saw a parent walking with a limp, because their daughter wanted Honey Nut Cheerios. hey need an organizer. It used to be one kid who got to open up the Ahron (ark). A sibling might be allowed to spot. Now, because no kid has been told 'no' in fifteen years, a lot of violence. Calling them future leaders put a lot of responsibility on the nursery school kids. A lot of politics in youth groups. Hair pulling. They all had their own stories. A bunch of lying five-year-olds. A lot of taking and no sharing of Legos. Complaining was not allowed this week. It was decided that complaining was selfish and done to separate. Not to bring together. Everything had to be said positively. People were keeping it positive. People were coming to the rabbi saying, ‘This shul is so great. We should get new seats and a new rabbi.’ At one point, the rabbi let Bernie give a speech. The rabbi went down from his seat and sat in a regular chair. His suit pocket ripped. The shul got pews. Tags:
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Men inspired by the Nay Nay Nay, singing Jewish tradition with some high-pitch harmony (photo from Shiezoli's Youtube video)
At the heart of the Jewish people is song. Starting back in the Beit Hamikdash (the Temple) the Levites would bring music to the Jewish people. Most Levites nowadays have bad voices. It's a shame. Nonetheless, it does not stop the Levi from singing. Nor does it stop all Jewish people from singing.
From the kumzits sit down sing along with the youth movement, to the Chassidic Tish around the rebbe's table, to Tefillah where we pray to songs that are not written to the prayer, to the post Shabbat Havdalah service, no matter what movement you're connected to, you're singing. You're singing songs of tradition. You're singing the lyrics of King David's Tehillim, the psalms of inspiration. Why rewrite the songs? We've had great lyrics for 3,000 years. Here are many of the great songs of our tradition, that let us know we're singing as Jews. And some non-Tehillim Jewish greats, which remind us that people abandon tradition. Shabbat Shalom Hey Those are the lyrics. That's the song. The lyrics are great. No need to add to them. Though, somebody realized that adding a 'hey' to 'Shabbat' will make for an instant classic. They knew that adding another word, like an 'Oy,' would be too much. For the chorus, add in a few 'Shabbats,' make sure somebody high-pitches, and you've got a one of the greatest songs of all time. After singing this song, you feel like you've celebrated eight Shabbats. This is why most people who sing this song stop keeping the laws of Shabbat after they sing this song, on Friday night, before getting home from shul. Greatest Jewish song of all time, this is not sung at Tishes. Chassidim don't sing this or 'Shabbat Sha-a-ba-a-t Sha-a-lom.' 'Gutten Shabbat Hey' doesn't work. But I will suggest to the Chassidic community to take up, 'A Gutten Shabbat, Hey.' That has the right amount of syllables to bring it to the level of 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.' I just clapped it out. David Melech Yisrael 'David the King of Israel lives and lasts.' A Jewish song not found in Tehillim. A bit of a let down, as King David wrote so many lyrics. Why sing about him, when you can be singing him? At least it's connected to Tehillim. Right after 'Shabbat Shalom Hey,' this song is at the foundation of Jewish youth. The first song learned with a dance, nothing says joy like placing your supinated hand under your opposite elbow, while twiddling the fingers. And then it tops off with leaving out some of the words. You can't 'emmm emmm Melech Yisrael' without a smile. Add in a 'Chay Chay Pizza Pie' and you've set yourself up for a full day of Jewish laughter and good times. Again, what truly makes this song great? It's the non-changing of the lyrics. You sing it in the verse, you sing it in the chorus. Why waste all that time trying to teach new words, when they already know the words from the verse?! You sing the song a bit faster and twiddle faster and 'emmm emmm' some of the words, and you have a classic. And when you lose the kids and need to change it up, 'Chay, Chay, Pizza Pie' that thing, and the children are back there with you, twiddling the fingers in the air, with that other hand holding it up. Like a torch of Jewish pride. Hava Nagilah Want to feel like you're in a movie? Play this song and walk in a circle. I guess there is more than one song not found in Tehillim. There are more songs than I thought that are not connected to King David's lyrics. I blame the non-religious Jews for this. They know not of tradition. This song is an American favorite, as not one American Jew understands what this song means. But who doesn't want to have a Negilah? Non-Jews love this song. When you show up to a Jewish Simcha and celebrate with a huge nylon fluorescent Yarmulke on your head, you want to be circle dancing to this. No other song leads to the dance party with the DJ more than this Jewish great. You can only have true Nagilah when the Backstreet Boys are turned up. If you're making a movie and you need to show Jews celebrating, what are you playing? You know it. Hava Nagilah. There is 'rejoice' and that is what Jews do. They dance in a circle with huge nylon fluorescent purple Yarmulkes. They rejoice in the glow of their Yarmulkes on the dancefloor. Kookooreekoo Kookooreekoo Tarnigul Korah 'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' And people say that Israelis don't know how to write lyrics. My question is what does a rooster call?! Exactly. That's why we sing this and teach it to our children in Israel. Though there's no dance, this is still a classic. Mizmor LDavid The Friday night Tehillim special. This song extends Friday Night Davening with a dance. To extend the prayers even longer, you can add Nay Nay Nays here, and dance all the way to Shabbat dinner. And realize that you have to finish Davening. King David wrote it. Those are our lyrics. 'Mizmor LDavid.' The great thing about the Nay Nays is that you can add them to any song. It's the perfect addition. Nay Naying gets you more life out of King David's words. Feeling inspired? You can Nay Nay all night, or till the congregants start leaving. Jerusalem of Gold What makes for a great Jewish song is a silence that leads up to an immediate crescendo by all. Everybody knows the chorus. Nobody knows the verses. The silence builds up the meaning. 'Jerusalem of Gold' is the only perfect Jewish song that is not based on Bible. A bit of a letdown. Yet, Jerusalem of Gold is old enough to be grandfathered into the Biblical lexicon. Something else making it Biblical is that thousands of songs have been written, based on it. Every tourist to Jerusalem, writes a song about Jerusalem and the whitish-reddish limestones looking like gold. Maybe they're thinking of 3 karat gold. Nonetheless, Jerusalem's stone is 24 karat gold of the soul. Even greater.That's me bringing you some spirituality, and inspiring another song to be written with the words 'Jerusalem of gold.' I can feel an inspired reader changing it up and writing 'Jerusalem with gold.' I don't know. I do know there's a lot of inspiration right now. The fact that it's song by a woman and most religious Jews will never listen to the song may tinge its Shabbat table appearance. Nonetheless, it's a great topper to 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.' Leshana Haba BeYerushalayim If it's in the Haggadah, it's a classic. And these words of saying that we want to be in Jerusalem next year are right there. The eighty versions of this song shows that it is not the tune, but the lyrics that make the song. As all the great Jewish classics, you stick to three words; and then you repeat those words in the chorus. The song is shaken up a bit when we say 'ha-ba-ah-ah,' but you have to take chances when you're a lyricist. Note: Never take too many chances with adding more than three words to a song. I'm not saying that 'Jerusalem of Gold' has poor writing; I don't know the words. Nobody is going to Jerusalem next year. That would kill the song. It's such a good song. If Jerusalem were to have more Pesach hotels, things might change. Until then, we get to sing this song. Kol HaOlam Koolo Short enough that people don't need to Nay Nay Nay, 'All the world is a very narrow bridge' is a Jewish great and song in joy. There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than singing metaphors of death. That's why we sing this on Shabbat when we're with a group. If you want to do Kiruv, inspire other Jews to be religious, this is the song. To encourage people to be religious, there is nothing more inspirational than singing about death. And as the song says, 'the key is to not fear.' As long as you are religious, there is nothing to fear. Only death. And that is why this song is sung at every youth group's Kumzits. Ensuring that Jews marry Jewish. Jewish inspiration, Dveykus used this tune for six CDs. I Was A Child and Now I am Old Amazing lyrics. Almost as good as 'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' How can you not love this song of King David's words, ending the Birkat Hamazon (post meal blessing over food). Bringing the Kumzits and Shabbat ebbing feel to the meal of your choosing, this tune that continues the tune and message of 'Kol HaOlam Koolo,' brings that Jewish tear to your eye. The tear that can only make a Jew feel good about crying. Stack the 'Now I am Old' on the 'Kol HaOlam Koolo' at the end of the meal, and that Shabbat guest is religious. That's what the classic Jewish songs do. They turn you religious and inspired to sing Nay Nay Nay. Jewish song makes you want to walk in a circle, twiddle and think about your numbered days on earth. Where else can you twiddle and feel like you're connecting with Gd, while singing about death and celebrating? How can you not love these classics? ***Upcoming: We'll be dealing in further depth with Nay Nay Nays, Simcha songs and how Lenny Solomon mastered the art of turning classics into classics. Tags:
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The weekly comedy commentary that comes out every other week
JEWISH WORLD
•Showing that they won't give into terrorism, the ADL responds to attacks on Israel and on the streets of their country with a rally online. The message was spread to those who made plans to be there. Jews who support the ADL saw the online rally of themselves. Remaining true to their stance, making a strong statement with a strong Jewish voice, the ADL muted all the Jews who attended. •Mayim Bialik is now hosting Jeopardy. 'Mark of the Kibbitzer.' Answer is, 'Who is Mayim's next husband?' (That was Mark's contribution at the table this week. He has a crush on Mayim, ever since Blossom.) •After the two day holiday of Shavuot, the average 5’6” Jew now ways 215 pounds. They cannot take it off. •Online Simchas reported less weddings this past year. People don't meet when they're not allowed to. STYLE •The Tzitzis hanging out of the shirt, is back. The pocket Tzitzis hold is not in fashion. This season, it's Tzitzis fully out and a long woolen coat. ISRAEL •The new Israeli Unity Government is now formed with parties that hate each other. Being that there is unity, now people can hate each other more closely. Many are hoping for this unity coalition to stick, saying that if there is unity, nothing will happen for the next four years. This makes many Israelis happy. Israeli says, 'If they can't agree on anything within the party, they won't mess anything up.' For those who are worried, they will still have voting booths setup, so that people can continue the biannual Jewish tradition of voting for a government that will not happen. •'Andrew Yang (New York politician) tweeted in support of Israel. 'I’m standing with the people of Israel who are coming under bombardment attacks, and condemn the Hamas terrorists' (JTA). We saw him when he said this in the middle of New York City, and not one Israeli was around. WIth this statement of support, Yang has lost his Jewish vote. As a politician he should know better. Jews don't like themselves. To regain the Jewish vote of New York he now has to make it clear that he never meant to offend Jews by showing support for Israel. He let the Jews know that they can be reassured that he will be with them and never support Jews again. •Naftali Bennett is ready for Prime Ministership. He's finally heavy enough. In other sources, he stopped wearing his yarmulke and is now feeling comfortable garnishing Jewish support. •Abbas is mad that Israel won't allow Palestinian elections to take place in Jerusalem, as it is not part of Palestine. Abbas is depending on the Israeli vote. The Israeli vote of Jerusalem is his only hope. To quote his advisor, 'Israelis love voting. They do it all the time. They'll vote if we let them.' Seeing how it works in Israel, Abbas is now trying to form a unity government with parties that he is not unified with. He's hoping Bibi will join him. Being that it's not important to vote in the country that you are voting for, Israel is planning to host their next elections in Moldova. •Simon Cowell is not going to Israel to appear on Israel's talent show, the X-Factor. The bombing of Israel also attacked our voices. •Shouts around the world for changes of Israel's apartheid of Gaza is hitting the streets. To make the foreign entities happy, Israelis are now trying to move to Gaza. ANTI-SEMITISM •Yes. It still exists. People hate Jews. •In support of anti-Semitism, more than 600 singers signed a letter to stop doing concerts in Israel. I didn't even know there were 600 singers that people care about. (Rachel makes a decent point- as we could only name forty singers outside of Madonna and Mordechai Ben David) In support of BDS, the singers are boycotting their own shows. Many of the 600 singers called off all their shows this summer, when they realized that nobody bought tickets. When asked why no tickets were bought, a customer answered, 'We never heard of them.' Israeli singers are baffled. Aviv Gefen and Mosh Ben-Ari have no idea what to do. Not enough people in Europe understand Hebrew for Subliminal's raps to go over. Sarit Hadad is now trying to get gigs in Jordan. The Israeli singers have learned that outside of Israel, there's not much of a market for Israeli music. Now they're stuck waiting for the Jewish Federations to bring them in for Yom HaAtzmaut. The 600 singers of the world are calling for a group song, as that is what singers do. Ever since We Are The World, they've tried, but nothing has worked. The beginning of the song goes, 'We're not the Jews. We're not the children. We've never been to Gaza or Jerusalem. There's a choice we're making. We've hated Jews our whole lives... I am Jewish. I am not chosen...' *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. If something isn't funny, it's satire. If you don't get it, or it's not factually correct, you disagree with it and it's satire. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Shelach6/4/2021
It was decided that face masks have to be worn during Kiddish. Not very much was eaten at Kiddish. Kichel lasts a long time, so that’s a positive.
For those who don’t know, Kiddish is the post services snack social. Most of our shul shows up eight minutes before Kiddish. They know that if they show up after announcements, the Kiddish will be gone. Nobody waits for the rabbi to make the Kiddish (blessing) on the wine before taking the Kiddish. Though, Mrs. Forestein is on top of them, and makes them all feel guilty. I’m impressed at how people can load up herring with Mrs. Forestein staring right at their plate and saying ‘you’re going to Gehenim if you take before the rabbi makes Kiddish.’ Matjes herring is worth hell to people over 80. The kids load up their plates with cookies. I don’t think an adult has had a cookie since the Gedayberg family came to town. I also don’t think that there’s been a speech without a child running on the Bima (stage) since the Gedaybergs joined our shul. I think security should be standing by the choolante until after Kiddish. It’s proper etiquette to wait for the rabbi. I’ve been to dinner with some of our members, and they eat before the hosts sit down. At the Simchavitz house, the potato kugel was gone before the wife made it to the table. One of the guests took it from the kitchen, said they were helping. I think they even ate some of it on the way to the table. We have to work on shul ettiquete. A few weeks later, they had the Kiddish as a take home, individually wrapped. That was as social as the Kiddish got over the pandemic. Had meeting about security this week. Decision was made to keep the guard. We tried figuring out other methods of security, but the camera and the guard were it. There’s not much more than a camera and a guard. Someone thought for people to not show up. That was the only other novel security measure that has come up in shul security meetings over the past 20 years. A drone camera was brought up, but somebody shot that out of the sky last time, as an act of anti-Semitism. The rabbi took to H’s message of telling Moshe to send the spies only meaning that He gave permission, even though it was not what they should’ve done. Anything that went wrong in the shul that the rabbi OKed, like the new secretary, the rabbi said he did not give his consent for. It was very confusing for all. It was a very bizarre week. The rabbi told the runner to round third and go home, in the softball game. When he got out, the rabbi said that he did not suggest to do it. Though his arm was swinging huge circular motions and everybody saw it, and he was yelling to go home, he said that he was just saying it was fine, but he did not want him to do it. He said that he knew the runner wanted to do it. Had another Bar Mitzvah reader this week, and a Bat Mitzvah. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants, You don’t even say ‘Shabbat Shalom’ back. Be friendly… If the spies smiled, the Jews would’ve gone to Israel. People are affected by what they are told. Even more so, how they are told… When people aren’t welcomed to the shul, they are affected by how they are told nothing… You people are selfish. You are social climbers. If I told you that they owned a football team… Now you’re all mad at me… No. They don’t own a team. They are nice people. You’re the reason why people convert to Christianity… They say ‘Hi.’ Protestants say ‘Hi.’ That’s all people want is a Hello… At Kiddish. Nobody said ‘Hello.’ Or ‘Shalom’… We’ve lost twelve members because of masks this year… What do you want to be part of?... (Bamidbar 13:1-2) H’ tells Moshe to send people to go to the land to check it out. That was a mistake. Ever sent Erwin to pick up some soda for Seudah Shelishit? He comes back with three leader bottles and some brand with a star on it… One star, for bad. Rashi tells us that it was permission, but not suggested. H’ is saying ‘For your knowledge. I am not commanding this. If you want, send.’ If H’ would’ve commanded it, we would be sending spies every year to check out the Beitar Jerusalem soccer club. But our shul sends nobody to Israel… The last Israel trip was twelve years ago. It was the rabbi, his wife and a Yeshiva student who was learning there for the year… He was from Houston. We met him on Ben Yehuda... We needed somebody to call it a communal trip. There was no tour guide… Visit the Holy Land. You don’t even visit. You guys spy out everything… How is it that you all know when Tzachi got his American visa?... I can’t tell you everything to do. If you want to redo the walkway… Yes. It was nice. I didn’t command you to redo it… Yes. It’s worse now. You sinned… It wasn’t suggested. It’s on you… (Bamidbar 13:17) Moshe tells them to ‘go up in the south, and ascend to the Mountain.’ Rashi tells us that this is the way of merchants, to see the Psolet, the bad part, of the land first. The problem is that we always see the bad part first. We see a tiny piece of schnitzel at a fundraiser that we paid $250 a plate for. It’s hard to focus on the asparagus spear... You never get the chance to see the Mountain. You don't go there... I left before dessert. And I heard it was chocolate and peanut butter squares. Every Kiddish I go to, they run out of those... We always see the worst parts first… You go on a tour. Cab drivers are beeping you… Yes. Anywhere in Europe, Bernie. The tour guide takes you to the shops that have the scarves with the country on it… It’s July… We’re in the northern hemisphere… You tour and the shopkeepers are the first people you see. ‘Welcome to Italy. We charge you too much.’… Why the spies didn’t check for mechanics is a good question. But they did go up in the south, so there must’ve been some mechanics and shuk people there. They were checking for people who were in shape and ready to defend their homes. (13:19) ‘Are they strong or weak…Is the land good or bad… are the cities open or fortified… is the land fat or lean… trees or not…’ Land can be attractive. Yes. Fat is attractive. Back then, it was attractive… They didn’t have preservatives… You stay for Shabbat, you see the decent people… That’s what we’re trying to do hear… But you don’t say ‘Shalom.’ That’s why they leave. Ever traveled to Disney World? You end up seeing the characters first. Where are the rides? Ever come to this shul… You first meet the talkers in the back… That’s the only time you say ‘Hi.’ Middle of Tefillah… It’s the middle of prayers and you’re… Welcoming is good. But you don’t sit down the guy for a conversation about his family lineage and what happened in the playoffs yesterday… I think they understand that it’s the middle of the Chazan’s repetition of the Amidah… It doesn’t make a difference if they know what the Amidah is… The front row isn’t talking… A silent handshake… OK. A ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ That’s what I’m talking about. But you don’t yell it… You say ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ Which only two of you do. The rest of you stare at the people like they are fat and unfortified… That’s why they don’t come back. That’s why people don’t go to shul. That’s why the spies didn’t go to Israel. The spies sold the people wrong. They were selfish leaders who gave false information… They told us it was bad. They misrepresented what they showed the people… You smile, say ‘Shalom’ and take them to the front row, so they can see the good people…. Big grapes can throw people off. When you don’t know if it’s a plum, it’s quite unsettling. The question is, ‘Is it a good land?’... No. They wouldn’t want to end up in Topeka. You send some people to survey… What kind of houses? Chimneys? Do they mow? When you see a community, you want to see the homes. You want to see the architectural layout of the city… They should’ve built the mall in the middle of the town. I am meeting with the town council this week about that decision. I said ‘OK,’ but only because I knew they would do it anyways… Now everybody has to travel to the East Wedge. Whatever that is… It’s the Psolet. Do people want to move here? The Shreigen family was thinking of moving here, but they only saw the Psolet of the shul. They didn’t see the beauty and kindness. They saw a Kiddish with huge strawberries and they were thinking, ‘we will never be able to eat these things without staining our clothes. It definitely squirts onto the shirt…’ It was the ripe grapes that scared them… It’s about interpretation. It’s about how you say ‘Shalom’ to people. That’s what gets them to want to be part of our community… We want to welcome the Mindlowitz family to our community. There’s a lot of good here. And we shipped in small, tart, strawberries from Israel this week… It's the leaders that throw people off. The leaders create positive in the shul. The Gabai is a downer… Then smile… (Bamidbar 13:4) ‘All of them, leaders of the children of Israel’… They were leaders. That’s who they sent. Nobody cares what Michael does… If Michael would’ve come back and said they had tiny grapefruits, nobody would’ve listened. They wouldn’t have believed him, and we would’ve went to Israel… I am asking the leaders to stop messing up… There were representatives from each tribe. Even in bad stuff, we need representatives. The fundraiser dinner needed representatives… Now, we know who to blame for the schnitzel… They were tiny pieces… $250 a plate. How much is a piece of schnitzel?... As Moshe prayed for Hoshea and changed his name to Yehoshua (13:16), meaning ‘May Gd save you,’ I am praying for the leaders of this congregation… They are already sinners and influenced by evil forces, like the spies. Even so, I pray for their souls. So they don’t ruin the congregation anymore and cause us to lose members for another 40 years… I pray that our congregation are saved from your foolish decisions. We lost every member with a wheelchair… Yes. I OKed it. But I didn't mean it. Wheelchair accessible doesn’t mean to make a walkway and ramp out of cobblestone… I pray that the Bar and Bat Mitzvah are saved from you. Nobody wants to be part of a bunch of people complaining about grapes… And they didn’t say ‘Hi’… I gave permission to say ‘Hi.’ I mean it. Be kind and friendly and stop messing up the Kiddish… This is why we have Tisha BAv. Our dear Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah. Don’t be like that side of the shul. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha This was the most powerful message the Rabbi every gave to a Bar and Bat Mitzvah. It was a joint celebration, where nobody could eat at Kiddish. The families wanted to know why they didn’t save the money and tell people to eat at home. Even so, nobody would’ve come if there wasn’t food; even if they weren’t allowed to remove their masks. It was only later that month where the rule of not being able to spread COVID when eating came out. The strawberries were very nice. I snuck a couple home. The rabbi blamed the congregation for being a bunch of spies. We do have to be more positive about coming ton shul. It’s about how you represent it. Huge grapes are a great thing at Kroger’s. We lost a lot of members because of lack of ‘Hellos.’ Lack of friendliness and negativity bring a congregation down. The rabbi is right. We would’ve had better Bat Mitzvah parties. With a more positive mental attitude, we would’ve made the softball playoffs. Inter-shul play wasn’t affected by Hindy’s leaving the faith, as she didn’t join another shul. I saw her in the supermarket the other day and she said ‘Hi.’ I think she’s trying to convert me. Whatever the rabbi said in his sermon that met with conflict, he said he did not mean. He said he was just saying that it was OK, but it was wrong (without saying it was wrong). He made it clear that we have to know what he's thinking when he gives us the OK. As he said, 'Do what I'm thinking.' Many were trying to figure out if the rabbi has a secret wink. But nobody saw it. Everything that ever went wrong, he blamed on us. He told us that we shouldn’t have done it. When we asked why he told us to do it, he said, ‘Because you wanted to. So, I told you it was a great idea.’ This is why we have a social hall that holds eighteen people, for Chai. We haven’t been able to host a Simcha in years. The only time we hosted a party was over COVID, where three were allowed at six feet apart. Nobody knew if we should take what he was saying about our community, homes and shul to heart. Many repainted their facades. Nobody renovated the insides of their homes, or cleaned. They figured that as long as they didn’t have guests, they didn’t have to worry about people spying on their homes. The Gurvy family stopped allowing their little ones to have playdates, as the little ones get too much information on the home when they come to play with Shayna. The Gedayberg kids also make a mess. The Mindlowitz family was not impressed with the way our shul was built. They didn’t like the layout and the architecture. We know this, because they didn’t come back. They weren’t impressed with the Psolet in the back of the shul either. The cobblestone walkway looked really ancient. If the spies had to walk on something like that, their feet would’ve hurt. Telling the people that you can’t push a carriage, or walk without injuring your ankles, would’ve kept our members from going to Israel. All the people in the Feinwitz section love wearing high heels. Due to mask mandates, nobody said ‘Hello’ or ‘Shalom’ after shul. Truthfully, at Kiddish, everybody just stared at the new people. They didn’t know what to do with the masks. They were scared that it would offend the new people if they welcomed them during COVID. The Bar and Bat Mitzvah didn't give a speech, as the rabbi was scared that their speaking abilities weren't up to par. And the rabbi didn't want the community to see the Psolet of the Sunday School education. And the congregation got the real message. From then on, every Kiddish had backup chocolate peanut butter squares. Tags:
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The price of Matzah keeps going up, but it's definitely not because of inflation.
You get it? The dough doesn't inflate, because it's Matzah. People who wear Techeiles are part of a fringe group. You get it? The Techeiles are the blue fringes (not worn by all), that are added to the Tzitizs/Tallis, which are also known as fringes. I bought a pair of Tzitzis for an unbelievable price. No strings attached. You get it? Tzitizs/Tallis is the four cornered garment with strings on the edges. Maybe he had to attach the Tztizis himself. Or maybe it was a good clean price. Who knows? Moderna is the vaccine for people who are Yeshivish, but use the internet. You get it? Yeshivish people (known in Israel as Charedi) are called modern when they use a computer or watch TV. Moderna is the vaccine... 'Moderna' even sounds a bit like Hebrew. J&J is the vaccine for Jews who keep strict Kosher, and don’t want Chazaras haShots. You get it? J&J is a food company known for their Cholov Yisrael dairy products, which ensures that pigs are not used for milk. Chazer is a pig. Chazer also means to return. Chazaras Hashatz is the repetition of the Amidah in shul. 'Chazaras HaShots' means Returning for shots. That's an extra pun in the same joke... There are so many levels here. (We have nothing for Pfeizer other than that it sounds like a Jewish name) How do Israelis ask for seconds, around Lag BOmer time, during the reading of VaYikra? "Ehhh More?" (Rabbi Avi's) You get it? Many Israelis make the 'ehhh' sound before sentences, and Emor is the name of the Parsha read at this time. Brilliant. What do you call slaves with bad teeth? Indentured servants. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? Yovel and Shmitah, in the Parsha, talks about freeing indentured servants. People with bad teeth have dentures. They're teeth are indentured. Where did the wandering Israelites go to drink? Bamidbar. (Rabbi Mendel’s) You get it? Bamidbar means 'in the desert' and 'mid' is there and 'bar' is too. Like a bar in the middle of the desert. It's almost a Hebrew pun, almost an English pun. It works. Watch. Say 'Bamidbar' again, slowly. Enunciate. Now it's funny. Tags:
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If it's hard having the Gabai and congregation correct you, imagine having your parents standing right over you while you read the Torah. This should instill fear in the Bar Mitzvah boy... We commend these parents on using the Zoomcha correctly (credit: Michael Siroty tapinto.net)
Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home). Pick The Right People to Attend You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me. I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me. Save Money If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them. Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland. Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby. Mute Everybody for the Speeches You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes. Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha. Seperate Families You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen. You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses. Catering Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet. You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make. Link the Registry Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances. Have a Dress Code You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. In Conclusion If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that. So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration). As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.' EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat. Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it. As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?' Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch. Tags:
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They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul. 
'End of the world sale' and people still won't part with their money. Tourists are still haggling... These guys at the shuk have it hard. I remember when the guy had a 'going out of business' sale for six years... Six years of having to go out of business. And the whole time he was still bringing in new product. Not easy to be going out of business that long. And then to have to stay in business after that.
Photo Credit: my sister-in-law, Esti. 
Click on the picture for tickets and to see upcoming events in Rochester, NY
(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos. They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
6/25/2021
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