Announcements
Please be nice to the kids visiting for the summer song choir program. You may not want to invite them for Shabbat lunch, as they will want to sing Zemirot. Nonetheless, smile at them. They're not used to seeing angry older people. They have hope.

For shul renovations we’re asking congregants to go to other shuls.

Do not say the whole Monday or Thursday Tachnun. You will rightfully be hated by the congregation.The rabbi has stated that skipping prayers is fine, especially if you’re the Chazin. As long as you don’t slow down the congregation you won’t be hated.

We are asking people to come together and protest the Gabai.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Three Weeks of Mourning and How Our Congregants Caused It. How to Do Renovations to Draw Members to Your Shul By Telling Them To Go To Other Shuls. How to Lead Davening Like Yankel and Make People Late To Work.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. After a plague there’s a new census... We should’ve done a census after the wet Kugel Kiddish affliction... It was disgusting...

(Bamidbar 26:54) ‘For the numerous one increase his inheritance, and for the fewer one you shall lessen...’ Than have more kids.
Rashi teaches the amount of land was divided according to the numbers. The places were divided through Ruach HaKodesh... It doesn’t take divine inspiration to count members of a tribe.
The way Moishie does his math. The worst third grader I’ve ever seen. Can’t even lineup Popsicle sticks right. It would be divine intervention for that kid to add ice pop holders...
Why more for the greater numbers? Sometimes, people need space... I sit up here, on the Bima, because I am trying to get away from the congregants...

It’s about fairness sometimes... I don't know what that means. But it's about it. Fairness.
When you’re part of a community, there is fairness...

Tzelafchad’s daughters stated (Bamidbar 27:3) ‘Our father died in the wilderness (was not part of Korach’s crew), and he had no sons. Why should the name of our father be omitted from within his family, because he has no sons? Give us an inheritance among our father’s brothers.’ We all know that sons are not always a blessing. Look at the Lefkowitz sons. Sitting in the back left of the shul... I don't know Tzelafchad very well...
And this is how women got the vote. This is how women served in the army. And this is why the sisterhood refuses to help with Kiddish... Then why do we have a sisterhood?... You take up space. You should do something. Fairness. 

We must separate correctly. We must be just in how we divide what we do in this congregation. That is how we unify. Space. Not sitting next to Bernie...
We have a responsibility to each other. Like the daughters of Tzelafchad brought to our attention. We all deserve our spot in the community... Not if you're annoying.
The responsibilities of the congregants...

You have a responsibility to smile. To at least not depress everybody.
You need somebody to tell you to smile at people... They’re kids at a singing camp. They’re not used to seeing angry Jews... or Jews that go to shul.
Count the angry people here. Each angry person is less numerous a member... That was Biblical English. Translated. You chase away members. You make people not want a portion in this shul... Because you're angry.

Tzelafchad’s daughters deserve a place to live... They didn't mess up the land with their renovations like Malkie...

Renovating the membership was my idea. I did not suggest to renovate the whole place and kick people out... That’s how you lose members.
We don't even need renovations to chase away members. They just have to meet the board... A lot of anger.

When they partitioned the land, it was a beautiful moment. People were happy they had a piece of Israel. 
Nobody is happy in this shul because nobody smiles and Davening takes so long.
Nobody says the full Monday and Thursday Tachnun, except you. I've timed it... It’s fine. Skipping Tachnun is fine.
You would get no land. Nobody would want to listen to you. You even said the full Brich Shemey... You skip to Bei Ana Rachitz. Everybody skips to Bei Ana Rachitz... You get to the song. Nobody understands the Tefillah anyways, Baruch...

Will anybody take Pinchas’ place and hurt the Gabai...
If there was more space. If I didn't have to see the congregants... At this point, I want to thank the board for kicking everybody out of the shul for renovations. 
Sometimes it's about more than numbers. I'm trying to make a point. Any daughters of Tzelafchad willing to help out here...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is truly trying to get away from us. He even moved the Chazin's seat down to the general men's section. Put the Chazin and the president right next to Bernie. Now they have huge tall back chairs with gigantic armrests on each side of Bernie. It looks off. Though, the rabbi is happy he has space, and he doesn't need to be near anybody.

They haven’t smiled at a guest in years. The rabbi is right. People run from these depressed people in our shul. I appreciated the rabbi letting the congregants know not to ruin the hope of Jewish children with meeting our congregants.
You don't want to see Bernie smile. He's been smoking cigars for eighty years.

I didn’t invite the choir kids for Shabbis. I can’t stand extended Zemirot with harmony.

What was that shul renovation announcement? Are they truly looking to renovate the membership? Nothing was said about an amount of time. It seemed to just be an announcement to not see congregants ever.
The idea of asking congregants to go to other shuls didn’t pan out well. The board was trying to figure out why we lost so many members.
They scaled back the renovations from last week to just be scrolls. Some board members suggested they still renovate the rabbi.

One guy leading services once said the whole Thursday extended Tachnun. He got booed. You skip certain Tefillahs. Everybody who goes to shul knows that. Only people who don't pray say the whole thing.
Tefillahs you skip:
The long Tachnun
That Rosh Chodesh thing after Shir Shel Yom
VYiten LCha
Anything on Yom Kippur other than the Amidah
Brich Shemey
Wednesday Shir Shel Yom

People can’t stand the Gabai. I don't know what he did to deserve a protest against him. He might have told someone they can't come up for an Aliyah to the Torah if they haven't been called.

Parents have embraced the Jewish summer camp experience, sending their kids away, enjoying the summer spent without their children. Some parents have even added a new prayer to their Shabbat liturgy, 'B"H they're gone.'
Jewish Summer Camp is a joy for the parents, and there are things that no parent should have to hear when liberated from a child. Stuff that intrudes on a parent’s enjoyment of not having their child around. Stuff that might remind them they brought that little one into the world, when the weather is nice outside. Even worse, stuff that might suggest the child wants to come home.
Here are things that you parents do not want to hear from your child at Jewish Summer Camp:
 
My Counselor is Going to be a Junior in High School
To get rid of your kid for the summer you were fine with this. Yet, hearing your child's safety is in the hands of another child has you bothered for a second. You're not bringing your kid home. But that moment of thought and doubt intrudes on your relaxation. Not fair. Forcing you to think of the well being of your kid. Chutzpah.
A high schooler is watching over your kid for the summer, keeping them safe. You didn’t trust them to babysit your kid when you went to the movies three months ago, because the teenager failed Home-Ec. Now, the fifteen-year-old is taking your youngest on overnights in the middle of the woods. To ensure the safety of your eight-year-old going up against bears, the counselor set up a buddy system, where your eight-year-old is watched over by another eight-year-old.
It's just a Chutzpah. Your little one shouldn't be killing your time away from them with thoughts of their safety.
 
I want to Come Home
That is the last thing you want to hear. That can kill some decent summer plans. Do anything you can to not hear this. Ghost your child if you have to. It may leave some scars, but at least you'll be able to enjoy your summer.
You sent them to camp to get rid of them for the summer. You were willing to spend $12,000 on each child to make sure they would not come home. You've just thrown out every art project they came home with last year. The Chanukah Menorah with the nuts on a slab of wood is finally in the trash. You even left a fifteen-year-old in charge of them, and pretended like you didn’t notice. Whatever they need, give it to them. If that means another bunk in another camp, do it.

I am Homesick
It's hard to care for your child and then to have to respond to their sickness by telling them, ‘Your mom and dad are sick of having you at home. They are feeling ill having to see you. The thought of you at the house depresses them.’

The Kids are Mean
When children are not around adults, they turn into creatures of hate with no moral sense. Wedgies become a daily activity, and they're considered fun. Encourage your child to deal with the abuse and to enjoy the wedgies, even if there's a good chance they'll come home injured.

I am at the Infirmary
You had no idea that the camp you sent your child to is an army barracks in the middle of a Catskill war zone.
Now you might have to visit. And that is your child killing your good times with thoughts of them.
You're thinking you should visit. Don't. You're thinking that malaria might be a reason to bring your child home. Don't. Your friends are coming over for a game of Scrabble later. There's a camp nurse. An infirmary. They have to learn to survive out there with upper middle class Jewish New Yorkers.

I Don’t Like Bunk Beds
They will never survive in camp or a youth hostel. They are going to be expensive to raise.

I Miss You
Worst thing to hear. No parent wants to hear this. This is your child trying to scare you. A parent only wants to hear that if it's not genuine. You want to hear, 'I love you.' That means the child is OK and doesn't want to see you.
'I miss you.' Why would your child do this to you? If the child is over thirty and living overseas, this is a fine statement. As there is no way the child will visit. At that point, they know you're not paying for them to come back home.
Do whatever you can to avoid love in your home, and you will not have to deal with this issue.

I Want a Package
Can’t get away with a month of no shopping for the kid. Now you've got to pick up Pringles, Twizzlers and hockey gear. You already spent $12,000 on camp. The least they can do is provide your child with sports equipment and some sweets. But you send it. Whatever they need, you send it, due to fear of the child coming home.
To offset the fear of packages have gotten bigger and more intricate. Now these entitled children need comfort. You have to go to the supermarket and Bed Bath & Beyond. You're sending packages with couches and air-conditioning units, and anything else that will ensure that your child does not want to come home. I've seen kids getting packages with golf carts. Golf carts with notes that say, 'Your parents love you. Please stay in camp for the second session too.'
If you want any love from your child, and to rid yourself of the threat of our child visiting home, regular Pringles will not do; you got to make sure the Pringles are the sour cream n’ onion type with a memory foam mattress.

I Miss Your Cooking
Now you have to ship an overnight package with a hotplate. Otherwise, they might want to come home.
Feels good when you hear it. Just make sure you send that package. Otherwise, they're coming home and you will have to cook spaghetti for the rest of the summer. 

Goal is to keep them there, at camp. Away from you and uncomfortable.
Next time we will discuss more stuff you don't want to hear after spending $12,000, such as ‘I’m bringing home some arts-n-crafts,’ 'I started collecting salamanders,' and 'you have to tip my counselor.'

Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe.

A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis
Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water.
You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke.
Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.'
The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.'
You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke.
All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.'

How Far Can a Rabbi See
Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim.
Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!'
The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?!

The Rebbe Who Always Fasted
These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win.
Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.'
This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend.

NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are
Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom.
Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.'
In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain.

Conclusion
A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs.
My Abba told these jokes better than me.

Epilogue
We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything.
We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is.
It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already.
Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul.

Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school.
 
As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal.
 
It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit.
 
We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once.

Rabbi Mendelchem's  Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes...
When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie.
The question is who sees the sword...

Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you...

And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima...
(Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters...

(Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’
Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you.
When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. 
Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals.

(22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock.
This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten...
It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking...
The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important...

Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast...
The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. 

The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot...

Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery.

We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... 
Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that.

'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance.

The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse.
He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping.

Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul.
They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board.
The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement.
When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee.

Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president.

I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish.

They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul.
That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent.
The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent.
The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody.
Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me.

How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough.
Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ 
The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam.

On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt. 
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too.

Hagba Torah Lifts
Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch.
To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling.
 
Kiddish Wrestling
This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. 
You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran.
 
Candy Attacking
At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants.
Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility.

The Carlebach
This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation.
The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time.

The Baby Cry and Carry
This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon.
To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body.

There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat.
Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees.

Announcements 
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis.
 
Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody.
 
We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp.
 
We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes.
It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish...

(Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels.
Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price.
Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer...

(20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah...

(Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system.

Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting...
You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation.

You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong...
What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity.
It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness...

It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative...
H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all.

Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny...

And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff.

Rivka's Rundown
​The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt.
And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling.

The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary.
Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet.

The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf.
I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness.

Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one.
The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie.

The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that.
The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members.

I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.

Announcements
In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence.
 
The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel.

We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot.
 
This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie.
The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates.
The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges...
Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror...
The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi...

(Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’
I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners.
The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here.
You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd.

How can we make this place Holy...
You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification.

We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews.
I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president...

'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them.
Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’

Who is the Korach in this shul?...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them.

Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy.
The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least.

This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents.
The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals?

The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet.

Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over.
They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game.
Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.'

What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening.
Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention.
Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award.

Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series.

Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun.
 
The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education.
 
The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool.
 
What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this.
 
How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth.

A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed.
 
Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children.

July 4th got me thinking about America and food. Waking up gets me thinking about food. Let’s talk about food. Other than Kiddish, nothing is more American than eating massive quantities of food as fast as you can. For that, I thank America.
It was right before I moved to Israel, that I had the honor of competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Known to many as the Super Bowl of Eating, I always wanted to be a professional athlete. The one thing holding me back was my athletic abilities. Then I heard about Nathan’s contest, and I knew I had found my sport.
Here is the in-depth story, a very long story, an epic of passion, my story of competing as possibly the only Shomer Shabbat person ever in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. It all happened in LA.
 
The Competitor
It was around twenty-five years ago when the only kosher Nathan’s at the time was in Los Angeles. The competitor and proud Jew I am, I showed up ready to eat.
This was in LA. Not Yerushalayim. The Nathan’s in Jerusalem closed down, because they had the competition in Jerusalem and the whole city showed up for free frankfurters. Jerusalemites never had a high-class eating competition and they understood competition to mean on the house. Sometimes things get mistranslated in language. After three dogs, the local Jerusalem folk had the chutzpah to complain, ‘Stop, I’m already full… can you bag the rest, to go?... I’ll eat them later.’ Some even complained that they had the gall to bring out the food and to not offer them a seat and some sides. (Some of the closing of Nathan's in Jerusalem story, may not be true. But the story of David competing in the Nathan's competition, in LA, is.)
They didn’t just take anybody for the contest. I had to do well at the eating combine. It was a serious competition, and I had to pass the weigh in. At the time, I was well over two-hundred pounds and I was able to fit into an XXL shirt with no problem. I was accepted. They were worried, as I was forty-five pounds lighter than the closest competitor. And that was a high school girl. I had to. Thus, the story of David and Goliath. Or, David and Some Bikers.
 
Bigger Men
I was competing against bigger men, but I have taken down tougher men and women on the way to the choolante at Shabbat Kiddish. These men were not Sadie or Ethel. I was not frightened. Nothing was going to get in my way. I claimed my spot at the table, planted my feet and did not move; the same way I had done so many times while other famished people were trying to get to the herring after Shabbat services.

Ray 'The Bison' Meduna
Ray 'The Bison,' a man ranked number twelve eater in the world, due to his powerful jaws and lungs; even as an amateur, he claimed fame as the Texas State Kolache Sweet Dough Eating Champion. If they were kosher, he might have taken second. As I learned, Kolache is not a Jewish name. It's a pastry of sorts.
I went up against Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna. ‘The Bison.’ A man that could eat people if he chose to not be livestock. How can I compete? I was going against a beast. I’m not a rodeo clown. I don’t go up against bulls, bison. I have never went up against cattle. The strength it took for me to go up against him. A Talmid Chacham like myself to muster the power to eat?!
Note: Never say 'muster' in a hot dog eating contest. They end up not hearing you correctly and you're stuck with a jar of dijonnaise.

How to Compete with a Bison - Get a Nickname
I had to use tact. I tried psyching him out. I went up to his face, 'I am David "The Mensch" Kilimnick and I eat hot dogs with a fork, because I am a mensch. I don’t do Achilas Gasa (disgusting glutton eating), unless if there is a chance to win cash. Eating like an animal is forbidden.’
Nicknames are very important in the sport of competitive eating. There was ‘The Fireball.' There was ‘The Hornet’s nest,’ who people stayed away from, as he brought stinging animals with him. I believe he took his nickname a bit too far, with a nest as his mascot. But you knew ‘The Bison’ was scary, because he was willing to name himself something you eat as well, and the competitors do get hungry very quickly. When you can take down forty hot dogs at one sitting, you don't make for a good Shabbis dinner guest.
‘The Mensch’ nickname did not seem to intimidate 'The Bison.' He was not fazed by my antagonizing antics, as menacing as I was. ‘The Bison’ wasn’t competing for a place in heaven and he didn’t know Yiddish. The use of Jewish law and threatening him with inappropriate eating habits was not working.
He wasn’t concerned with Mitzvahs. He wasn’t a Jew who never ate at McDonald’s. He practiced there. He wasn’t playing for a fast-food meal that he never got. He didn't even worry about extra calories. He had a metabolism. He didn't have the Ashkenazi ancestry. He just ate and enjoyed. The movie Supersize Me, he thought that was an advertisement.
He then took the hot dog with his hand- Achilas Gasa. And I was worried.
So, I threw in a, 'You have bad Midot (character traits).' I might have went a bit overboard with the rebuke, but he was prepared. And he didn't understand what Midot means. Maybe I should try psyching him out next time with English.
He told me that he drank gallons of water the night before, just to extend his belly. I knew I was dealing with a superhuman. I can’t even drink a cup before I go to sleep. I’ll have to pee.

Doing it for Jewish Pride- The Kids
I had to muster. I was going up against people who never heard of Achilas Gasa. I had to find the strength from within. I have seen how much grass a bison can take down. I was once at a zoo and I saw a huge thing of hay. It was for one bison.
Whenever eating as much as you can, you have to think about who you are doing it for. Me? I am doing it for the children. The two Yeshiva boys who came out to see a Jewish hero. Two young growing lads who wanted to see what eating is like when your parents aren’t around.
I had to find strength. I looked to the book of Yehoshua, and I heard the words, 'Be strong and courageous.' So, I said, I am ready to eat.
Non-Jews think Jews can’t eat. They haven’t been to a Tisch. They thought I don’t have the makeup of an eater. They’ve never been to my parent’s house for Shabbis. They haven’t seen me at a wedding. Oh, I can eat. They haven’t seen me taking down sausages at a smorgasbord, placing myself right next to the waiter carrying the tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, at all times. Not easy, when they're moving around, trying to serve other people.

The Competition
I had a cause. I remembered why I was going to eat fifty hot dogs. I remembered who I was. I remembered the lessons I learned at Shabbis Kiddish. I was a hero. A Jewish Hero. For these kids, I was no longer an underdog. I was an inspiration. I was the ‘Mensch.' It really gets to your ego when you're an athlete and you have a nickname.

Start of Competitive Eating
After trash talking the competition, Jewish Style, I was neck and neck with Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna on the first four hot dogs. I could see Jewish pride on the two Yeshiva boys’ faces, gazing at the competition; reminiscent of Jews watching Sandy Koufax play baseball for the LA Dodgers in the 1960s. The resemblance was uncanny. I saw a future of young Jewish boys, full of newfound inspiration, thinking they too could be an athlete and eat like a mensch; knowing they too could fulfil their athletic dreams with saturated fats. I pride myself on being an inspiration.
‘The Bison’ and myself neck and neck, as the Yeshiva boys and crowd were cheering, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ Four hot dogs against four hot dogs, the first minute down, and then he kept on eating. Ray must’ve been trying to prove something. That was too much already. I was full. I needed a little schnapps.
The cheers kept on going, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ One biker was taking down dog number twenty-four. He heard them chanting, 'Munch! Munch! Munch!'
I kept on going for those kids. I was deflated when I heard twenty-four hot dogs, but I kept going for the Bachurs. A true Tzadik works with what he has, and I had heartburn.
 
It Was Rigged Against Jews
There is no place for a religious Jew in competitive eating. They said, 'On your marks, get set, go.' I turned to the announcer as he said the word ‘go’ and asked, 'Where is the washing station?' I had to do Nitilat Yadaim (pre-meal hand washing). I had to wash my hands before I eat bread. You have your pre-competitive eating rituals, I have mine. The competition included bread. You drink water to prepare, I pray to Gd that I won't puke. Not fair.
I didn’t want to sin by not washing my hands and Achilah Gasa. What was I to do? Wash and eat a little bread beforehand? Filling up on carbs, before the competition?

If You Compete, You Are A Winner - The Lesson
Eating is about competition. As seen at Kiddish, where I have learned so much about ensuring other people don't get food, only the strong survive.
What made me a winner, you ask. It was probably the way I scarfed down those first four dogs in record time, after I washed, to catch up to the competition. Winners don't complain about referees. They stopped me from using my elbows, used for keeping the other competitors away from the food; a technique developed at Kiddish, based on Fran Schwartz’s choolante approach. At the end of the eight minutes, I had taken down a good nine hot dogs. I was a winner after all. It was a decent lunch.
The competition didn’t include mayonnaise and chili, but I requested the toppings. If I was there already, I was going to get the works. It was a good spread. They said that it was the first time on American soil that anybody packed up the food and asked for a to go bag at the Nathan’s Contest. They said it reminded them of the competition they hosted in Jerusalem.

I am a Hero if that is the Ending
Did I ruin a couple of Yeshiva boys’ dreams, skipping class that day?! I might have. Even so, they learned a little Torah as they heard me telling Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna about Achilat Gasa. Maybe they are rabbis now, out there telling their students about a great Jewish legend who competed in the hardest of circumstances and washed his hands, like Sandy Koufax. Maybe they're playing baseball. Maybe they're bowling. Whatever they are doing, the story of inspiration lives on with those two kids who flunked out of Yeshiva.
One thing is for sure. Whatever they are doing, they will never let being overweight get in their way.
David ‘The Mensch’ lost the battle to ‘The Bison’ that day. If my opponent had been Goliath, I might have won. Nothing in the Bible says that Goliath was able to eat thirty-five dogs in one sitting, in eight minutes, with buns.

As I was carried off the stage. I couldn’t move. I was full. I had eaten too much. Being carried that day, I could still hear them cheering, 'Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!' It turned out that Nathan's wanted back the hot dogs I took.

That was the end of my career. I realized that competitive eating was not for me. With my Ashkenaz genes I would've got real heavy.

Postscript
I didn’t finish last. For those kids, I was first.
There was a twelve-year-old girl next to me. She was out real quick. After the third dog, she said she felt bloated. I understood her.

I believe some of those men got sick that day. In fairness, they brought out those trays. Huge trays of dogs. I didn't know who how many people they were thinking were going to show. There were only six of us. I don't know why eight industrial size trays were necessary. They couldn’t have cooked all of these hot dogs right. This all had me worried. I didn’t want to get salmonella.
I had a great effect on the future of competitive eating. Never before had competitors requested iced tea. It was always water. Now, the professional eaters enjoy their forty dogs with mayonnaise and a cold refreshing soft drink to wash it all down.

No elbows were allowed. That was not fair. You couldn't hit. My Kiddish table training would've given me the advantage. If violence was allowed, I believe I would've controlled at least three of the industrial trays.
If I was able to hit, and there was somebody walking around with the hot dog trays, I would've had a chance.
The point of the story: I would not have lost in Israel. My competition would have also gotten up to wash.
 
There is no more Kosher Nathan’s in LA. Was it me and the tray of dogs I took home? Maybe the other Jews caught on the next year and went for the free Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Luncheon.
 
We are working on a Jewish food eating competition. It will come as soon as we can afford all the to go bags.

To this day, people ask, ‘What’s the reason why David stopped eating?' I was full.