Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to our trip to the Jewish Homeland, Rosh Hashana, and Israel's commitment to cats, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he isn't willing to donate money, even when the nonprofit gives him a calendar.

Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
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Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
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Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

Announcements
Shofar blowing will take place at 10:30am, or 9:45am if the rabbi's Drasha is shorter. Or 12pm if he goes on again like last year.
People are allowed to time the Tekiah Gedolah. We just ask that nobody get too excited if the rabbi's blast lasts longer than sixteen seconds. High fiving and screaming 'what's up. Did you see that???!!!!' is not proper in shul; especially when others are praying for their lives, knowing that there's a good chance they're written in the book of death, as the rabbi mentioned. Please note: stopwatches are forbidden on Rosh Hashana.
 
The Shabbat Shuva Drasha will be sponsored by the Minkowitz family who likes it to be advertised whenever they give money. Next Shabbat, the rabbi will talk about stuff most of the shul won't understand, to ensure we all have a meaningful High Holiday season. That should help all return in penitence. 
 
From now on, everything in our shul will be a program. We will not do Shabbat dinners anymore at shul. We will run Festive Friday night programs, with festive food, with confetti popping out of potato kugel. As Jews don't practice tradition anymore, we understand that we have to practice programs.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Please sit down... Nitzavim. Stand here today before H' in judgment. In prayer. Not during my sermon... Just sit Bernie. It's rude...
(Devarim 29:9) 'You are all standing before H' this day.' Standing means they're there. Not sleeping through the sermon... They showed up to shul. This isn't a game of Simon Says... You would all be out. I didn't say 'Simon Says.' Sit. Standing means sitting before H'... Because it's rude to stand. 

Standing means they were there. They showed up to shul. Not just when they were scared they were going to be written in the book of death... They came when it wasn't the High Holidays. And the sanctuary looked like it had members.
(Rashi) Moshe brought everybody to enter them into the Brit... That's a covenant, Fran... Moshe brought the whole of the Jewish people. I would say that he would've left out our congregation. It's almost impossible to get you guys to show up to Minyin. If you never show up, you're not in the covenant... Because you weren't there. This isn't the whole 'and the ones who aren't here today.' It was talking about the future generations... Showing up for the shul picnic doesn't count, Mike...

Everybody. was there. (29:10) '...The your young children, your women, and your convert who is within your camp both your woodcutters and your water drawers...' Where are the shul water drawers. We can't even get anybody to help with Kiddish... The sisterhood does nothing. And we definitely don't have any woodcutters. 
Everybody was there. They showed up. They were there. The Gabai didn't call up Rafi to the Torah and then have to figure out where he was... Rafi was there.
All were included. They weren't snobs. They were accepting, unlike the members of this shul that are anywhere from 25 to 70... They looked at you and say Hi. People wanted to be around them... People don't come, because they don't want to be around you...
We want to keep our kids out of shul... Their young kids were not loud and annoying back then. Their parents watched over them. Made them behave and shake hands... Your kids walk around and don't even return Good Shabbis calls.

Rosh Hashana, we will be blowing the Shofar with everybody here... Except babysitting. Exactly. Last year the kid cried a sixteen second wail. Nobody talked about the Tekiah Gedolah… They were focused on finding the pacifier for Tanner. How that kid is Jewish with that name....
Think about what you want to do as people. As a nation. As yourselves.... With the water drawers too... I understand they don't pay full dues, and you make it a point to not look at them to say Hi...
Chances are you're in the book of death. I know you. You deserve... Repent. That's all I'm going to say. You're shallow and snobby, and only show to shul when you're worried... That was for Kaddish. You had to come...

Rosh Hashana is not a program. Which is why the board was against having services this Rosh Hashana. Being a good Jew is not a program. Standing is not an exercise program. We're not playing Simon Says... Sit. And work on your squats at the gym. You stand for Kaddish, Kidusha, when the ark is open, then you sit back down. It's for services. For tradition. Not for reps.
 
Everything is now a program. What happened to tradition? To services?... It's pathetic, and annoying. I don't want to dance a Hora at a Shabbat meal. I want to eat, like our tradition says to. Eat and get heavy...
You cancelled Tehillim and made it Tehillim education… You do stuff. you do Tehillim. Doing stuff is more educational. Especially than going to classes with Fran...
Now we've got this new youth director. Everything is education. No services. No practice. Just education... The kids hate it. No kid wants education... For youth, you do programs. Programs like 'Keep Shabbat for Once.' Or programs like 'It's a Holiday. You're in Services. Keep Your Mouth Shut'...
We have a Chazin. That's painful enough... The whole shul is turning into a beginners service. An explanatory service. So now we have festive Friday night explanatory dinner programs... Conversation is a Jewish program. Why not just have conversation?!

What is this Friday Night programs the board is running?! Festive?! Is there going to be graffiti jumping out of the potato kugel? 
This year, you should live as Jews. Let the year be a program of keeping Mitzvahs... Yes. That is a Bracha. Keeping Mitzvot and doing good deeds is a blessing. Even if it's not a program...
Standing before H' as a people, and entering the covenant is not a program. It's a way of life...
You are sinners. If you showed up once in a while... Just show up. And you can be part of the covenant.
 
Here's a Siman (an vegetation omen for the Rosh Hashana meal). Our enemies should have to deal with our board... That's a curse. That and they should have to show up to programs.

It's about being together. Standing as one... Not being the sinner, like Frank and Jessica, who bring everybody here down... but they stand with us too... 
Oy. God. We have suffered enough with programs this year. May we be forgiven as one, and never have to deal with the board again...

The Minkowitz family is sponsoring the Shabbat Shuva Drasha next week.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi ended with such a beautiful Bracha there. A Bracha for all of our people to stand together. As he said, 'It's only as one that we can receive the Torah and the covenant of our people. Which is why we're revoking half of our congregation's membership.'

Some guys were working out in shul. They felt bloated from all the meals they had this past year, and wanted to get in exercise before Rosh Hashana. They were doing reps. Literally. The ark wasn't open and they were doing box squats on the chair. One guy yelled, 'You got a few more in you.' No 'Amen.' Just 'You got a few more in you.' And then there was a grunt instead of the yawning High Holiday between paragraph moan.

I've got to be honest. I can't stand these congregants that sometimes say 'Hi' and most of the time turn the other way. A bunch of snobs. It's like they need something when they say 'Hi.' If they don't say 'Hi' all the time, I don't like them. Social climbers. 
Is it a classy thing to not say 'Hi' to people? I don't get it. If you smack them, do they then turn their heads and acknowledge you?
 
The rabbi and the board worked it out. He is not threatening them anymore. He just gets to not show up to the classes and programs. Some classes have had no presenter. I think the rabbi has been skipping his classes.
He is rightfully mad that they have substituted tradition for programs.
The rabbi hates the new Tehillim education. Just do it. That's his motto. His and Nike's. But he says it's his.
The festive thing is annoying. Can't have a decent dinner. Colored paper flakes flying out of the brisket and we have to dance the Hora around the table. I just like decent conversation. I am with the rabbi. Conversation is a good program.
 
The rabbi started a Hilchot Teshuva class. We learned the Rambam’s laws of repentance. He said that was tradition and not a program. The board was against it. And the rabbi said the board is required to come, because they are all sinners, and he can’t stand praying with them.
He also said they have not concept of tradition, and a Jewish youth director should be Jewish.

An amazing Shabbat Shuva Drasha. And it wasn’t even Shabbat Shuva yet. Not many sources, but everybody listened once the rabbi told the congregation as a whole that they're all probably in the book of death. It definitely will help bring more Kavanah to Rosh Hashana davening.
Every Drasha by our rabbi is a Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He goes off on how messed up the congregants are and how they have to not be like themselves. It always feels like Yom Kippur in the shul. Which is what makes it so spiritual. And nobody understands some of the ideas the rabbi speaks of, which always makes it more spiritual. 
The rabbi's sermons can throw off shul timing sometimes, even though he blames the Chazin. I believe he spent a good half hour telling everybody that they need to hear the shofar to not die.

Such a message. The water drawers are people too. It really spoke to me.
The rabbi likes the people who don’t pay dues. They come to shul.

By the rabbi mentioning the Minkowitzs at the end of the sermon, he raised a lot of money for the shul. As the office told the Minkowitz family, 'That was product placement for you.'
Nobody remembered the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They remembered the Minkowitz family name.

The Rambam teaches that to do Teshuva (repentance) correctly, you must confess (Viduy) and say 'I will never do it again.' We learn from here that the most important part of repentance is to lie.

Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 1:1 To do proper Teshuva, you must do Viduy which consists of ‘Please H’, I have sinned by accident, I have sinned purposefully, I have sinned in defiance, before You. And I did such and such. And I regret and am embarrassed by my deeds. And I will never return to this again.’
Hence lying is the essence of Teshuva. You have to lie to God with sincerity. ‘H’. I feel so bad for having a good time. I will never do it again… Or at least until after Sukkot, when You stop judging us.’

This guy seems to have done every sin imaginable. The real question is, what is 'such and such'?
'Such and such' is a long list. It usually starts with eating chocolate. Chocolate seems to be the biggest sin people are worried about. That's why you hear about vows of not eating chocolate again when it comes to New Years. 
Other such and suches are 'I had the best burger of my life at Wendy's.' 'I watched too many series and didn't learn enough Torah.' 'People needed me and I enjoyed myself instead.'
I've got to be honest. If somebody every tells me they did such and such, our relationship is over. Nobody does such and such to me and gets away with it. It's rude.

Have you ever heard anybody regret something and not do it again? No. People always eat chocolate again. 
The statement my congregants should make is, ‘It will never happen again till Sukkot, when I forget about it.’ Or 'I would've never said that if I wasn't worried that I would be written in the book of death.' Or 'It's my rabbi's fault. I blame him for everything.'

I pray for all that you will be able to celebrate full repentance, and stick to your lies, so you don't end up in Gehenim. And those lies should have you written in the book of life, enjoying chocolate.

We have the traditional signs in Hebrew, known as Simanim, to say how our enemies should die through violent vegetation. What about Simanim for the English speaker? Here are fruit and vegetables and some creative curses in English, that I came up with, to make your Rosh Hashana more meaningful (I will try to rhyme, as rhyming is important for warding off evil):
 
Curses with Fruit & Vegetables
Aubergine- ‘Like a carrot not dressed, may all their eggplants be undressed, with no tahina or bean. Just a plain eggplant, with no identity, confused like aubergine. And dead.’ Death truly adds to this Siman.
Bananas- ‘May our enemies slip on the ground, like a banana that’s been split. And then be scattered, because they split.’ I feel that using the banana split line makes for a good substitute for a rhyme, and it is scary.
Broccoli- ‘May they be broken like broccoli, and have their stem separated from the rest of their tiny tree. And not to be able to mix with any vegetables because they are awesome by themselves.’ I like broccoli too much. Maybe if my enemies knew that, they wouldn’t be enemies.
Brussel Sprouts- ‘May our enemies sprout like a brussel and never turn into a cabbage. But very tasty. Tasty and dead.’
Cantaloupe- ‘May all evil wonder, and not know whether or not they are a deer, like an antelope, when I am eating my cantaloupe. Confused. Not knowing if they're a melon or not. Because it's not in the name.'
Celery- ‘May all evil get stuck with parents who give their kids peanut butter on celery, instead of candy. Not enjoying their snacks.’ This can cause great sadness to our enemies.
Corn- ‘May their hearts be torn, like when I rip into a corn.’ That sounds too much like a spell.
Eggplant- ‘May all enemies be confused like a plant that is called an egg. Thinking that they came from a chicken.’
Fennel- ‘May our enemies die like a dog in a kennel, that was forced to eat fennel, because their owners didn’t care about them.’ I feel bad for that dog.
Kiwi- ‘May all our enemies end up in New Zealand, because there aren’t that many Jews there, and it makes for decent cinematography. Like tasty kiwi, may we still be able to slaughter animals, ritually.’ Sometime our political enemies have to hear our plight. Not just the enemies in shul, who take my seat on Rosh Hashana. Who should die a starfruit death.
Leaves- ‘May our enemies make like trees and leaves.’
Lagenaria- ‘May all evil catch lagenaria, and if that is not a disease, then malaria.’ You can also use, 'May our enemies be cursed with not getting lasagna for dinner, as they were hoping. And end up eating lagenaria.' That's a very strong curse.
Lemons- ‘May life give them lemons.’ That is a curse for people who don’t know how to make lemonade. Sour people.
Naartjie- ‘May our enemies be stuck with oranges for a high fee, like a naartjie. And mandarin themselves in the eyes, and then…’ Got carried away with that South African fruit name.
Orange- Pulling together the trilogy of citrus… ‘May all evil have to listen to jokes about bananas that end with “orange you glad, I didn’t say banana,” with a life full of little kids that can’t tell jokes. Knocking on your door all day, with knock knock jokes, stuck in your mind like a foot in the door hinge, while you're glad you’re not an orange. Who’s there? Orange you glad it’s me?’ Don’t tell this curse to the little ones. It will hurt them too much.
Parsley- ‘May our enemies be stuck with no basil or oil for pesto, and no rosemary. A whole year of Passover, with just salt water and parsley (stuck in the teeth).'
Pear- ‘May our enemies not dare to stare at a pear. Because they are tasty apples, and that would not be fair.’ Ahhhh!!!! Bring it on. The curses are rolling off my tongue. As are the rhymes. 'May our enemies have to listen to rhymes.'
Pickles- 'May they die the slow death of a cucumber that's been pickled. And then have their eyes stung by the juice. Pickled eyes.' This is a horrific curse. You must really hate the enemy to use this one.
Pomegranate- 'May our enemies get hit with a palm that is made of granite.' A palm made of granite would hurt. Brilliance. I know.
Tomato- 'May our enemies be crushed like a tomato, and used for jachnun.'
 
Please note, I kept this in alphabetical order, so that you can reference it.
I hope I am not scaring you, and that this is educational. I just wish I had a greater knowledge of the plantae kingdom and fungi family. My knowledge of monocots is so limited.
Other foods were pulled out over the course of dinner last year, which were not vegetables. Yet, they did not have a curse for it. It was the first course, and they just wanted to eat it. They pulled out fish, and made the blessing, ‘We should all be for a head, and not for a tail.’ The fish fit the Siman perfectly. I like heads and I loved it because that sign was Gummy Fish. Not everybody likes fish, but everybody likes gummies. So, don’t be afraid to use candy to curse out your enemies. ‘May our enemies have bad teeth like one who chews on their lollypop.'
If you're stuck with an apple and honey, you can use, 'May our enemies die like an apple that's stuck in honey, and can't get out.' 
I feel like I am scaring the children right now.

Next year, I will try to give you some blessings. But for now, let's focus on cursing our enemies.

​Announcements 
High Holiday seats are being sold right now. First class seats are on sale as well. We're going to be bringing in foot rests for the plush seat section. We will also be serving pastry and alcohol to people with first class seats. Though we pushed for it, the rabbi won't let us serve snacks on Yom Kippur. Even if you pay extra money, he won't allow for it.
You must purchase seats, even if you purchased lifetime Yom Kippur seats. It doesn't count anymore. The lifetime is up.
 
Lulav and Etrog sales are going on now. We suggest everybody pay a lot. This way, you can get heaven, and we can pay for the shul's new Sukkah renovations.
 
No more flatulating in the middle of the services. People find it hard to concentrate. There have been many complaints about Reuven. If you haven’t noticed disturbed congregants sitting in discomfort, you have not been paying attention to the back left of the men’s section.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Entitled Congregants...
(Devarim 26:1) 'And it will be, when you come into the land... take from the first fruits...' There are rules. When you come in, there are rules... Shul needs rules too. When you walk into shul, you come in properly. Without talking to everybody...
They probably cleaned their feet in Israel. Maybe kissed the ground. On the shul trip to Israel, I was the only one to kiss the ground... It's not dirty. It's Holy Land... I know people walk on it, but it's holy... You don't have to shower if you're holy. Ever been to Jerusalem? Holy people...
'Take from the first fruits…' It's not yours. It’s God’s. That's the problem. You all think it's yours... The first Aliyah is God's too... I don't know why we give it to a Kohen. The point is that none of this is ours. We have to acknowledge it's God's. Other than the artwork from the Minkowitz family, which is hideous. And the pathetic community quilt. And the new renovations to the front of the shul. Other than that, and the young couples of the shul. Everything else is holy, and God's...
The High Holiday seats are not yours. The best thing you can do on the High Holidays is give your seat to a poor person.
When you come. Nobody wants to come to shul because people are flatulating… I understand it’s an open space. How are people supposed to concentrate on the Amidah when you have flashbacks everytime Frank bows... 
Got to wait 20 seconds. But for your flatulence... It's disgusting. It has been spreading throughout the shul from the back left. People squeeze their faces. I've seen nose finger plugging... 
 
(Devarim 26:5-8) After giving it to the Kohen, you talk about how you were slaves. You talk about how bad you had it, and how H' saved you and gave you this opportunity. It's about appreciation. Hakarat HaTov. Acknowledging how amazing your rabbi is... Flatulating is not a proper show of appreciation... No. This isn't a meal in Japan...
The Bikurim statement ends with 'I have brought the first of the fruit of the ground which you, O Lord, have given to me'... Your garden is nothing without God... Even the lilies are nothing without God. It all comes from God... You acknowledge that with the first fruits... Why have you never tithed? You think it all comes from your work. I have seen you work. You deserve nothing... It's not hard labor to say 'I am related to the boss...'
(Devarim 26:11) 'And you shall rejoice with all the good God has given you.' After you acknowledge that you're not a selfish congregant. Appreciate what H' has given you. After you are not crying about you having to be the one opening the ark... You can rejoice. When you realize you have done nothing... You've done nothing.
You rejoice with everybody. When you're not selfish, you can rejoice with all. Sharing is how you rejoice. When you share your Legos Chaim... When you don't flatulate, all can rejoice and enjoy... After not being selfish like Fran, you can all rejoice. You give poor people a seat…
Poor people don't deserve Lulavs and Etrogs. Those are expensive.
Tonight is Selichot. The start of Selichot. Do Teshuva. Don't do you. Don't be yourself. That's what you have to do Teshuva for. That and flatulating in shul... It's a land flowing with milk and honey. Not Bernie's gas....
 
Need first class seats? Are we davening in an plane? You can’t even pray on an airplane anymore… Used to be able to stand in the back and have a Minyin… Since they stopped that, antisemitism has gone down in numbers… Though, they’re still mad that Jews get the first meals. The nonJews don't rejoice at that... They give the Jews the first meals... That's not a law, to bring those to Jerusalem. You bless God before eating them though...

Start with doing Teshuva. Then we can rejoice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown​
First meals on planes causes a lot of Jew hatred in Topeka.

Sukkah renovations are the only kind the rabbi supports, as he doesn’t have to see them for more than a week. He even suggested to use the community quilt for a wall. I believe he is hoping the weather will kill it.
 
It does smell bad in shul. I think that showers should also be a necessity during the summer months. Showers and no flatulating.
Kim started a shul laundry service. It’s part of the Chesed Fund.
 
The Holy Land conversation the sermon brought up had everybody discussing purity and impurity and fights about women's rights came up. The rabbi said that women can kiss the ground of Israel too.
They almost fired the rabbi for suggesting that poor people deserve seats in shul on Yom Kippur.

People were mad to hear that the lifetime membership seats were not lifetime anymore.
Discussions of what lifetime means were had. Many congregants were deemed not alive anymore. So they had to sit in the back, in the Keter plastic seats.
Saying ‘the lifetime is up’ had a lot of people worried that they were going to be written in the book of death this year. The board decided that a lifetime is ten years. 

After extensive meetings, the board decided that burping in shul is also wrong. As is chaching onto pages to turn them. I believe the chaching on the pages was a financial concern. Old members caused us to have to purchase eighty new Siddurs last year.

I said goodbye to my parents. They thought they were losing a son. They weren't losing me. I just wasn't going to see them anymore. 
My mom said I wouldn't call, but I told her that I have to. Kibud Av vEim is a Mitzvah, as I explained to my Mom that I would call her because God said I have to. So, she accepted God. She now liked God, and I did my part in Kiruv (bringing a Jew closer to Yiddishkeit- Judaism- I will explain every word, as I want you to also become religious).
​
​The flight was to Israel for Yeshiva. My parents wanted to know why I gave up. They assumed that giving up a steady job as an industrial engineer is not normal. They thought that it made no sense to give up a six-figure contract that was set for the next eight years. They've never been to Jerusalem. I told them, 'Torah.' It was then that they knew Torah was an excuse to not work. And I love Torah.
I made the flight on time. It was the first of many miracles. I was late. Saying goodbye to my parents took way too long. They never learned about Bitul Zman (wasting time from Torah). 
The greatest miracle was that half of the passengers on the plane were late. I am assuming that the pilots know it takes a long time to explain to your family that you are giving up your job for connection with God.
 
I got on the plane and sat next to a tiny human, called a child. Another great miracle. I had space. Then, a religious woman wanted to change seats with me. Not a miracle. That was my first test. As Avraham had ten tests, God was testing me as well (I don't say Lord, as I am not catholic- I am Jewish and thus I refer to God). Giving up a good seat on the plane was my first.
She said she wanted to sit next to her husband. She said it was my duty as a religious Jew to let her sit next to her husband. I had not yet learned that Mitzvah. But I was looking forward to learning about it in Yeshiva.
As I changed seats, I realized she just didn't want to have to sit next to a huge guy who insisted on lifting up the armrest, so he could have enough room to fit. She wanted more space. Maybe it's a Mitzvah to give people space. I don't know. I believe they bought separate seats, because there was one aisle seat, and there was no seat next to that aisle seat. And her husband wasn't going to not take the aisle seat. The huge guy, I ended up next to, taught me about the word finagle, as he was whacking me with his elbow and sweating on me.

There was no food on the first leg of the flight. The rabbi at shul didn't teach me that you have to order Kosher food, and then call to make sure they have your Kosher food, and then to check again to make sure they know, and then to explain that you really need a separate meal that is Kosher. I thought you just tell them you want Kosher and check the Kosher box, and then you'll get it. I hope the Gemara has a lesson on how many times you have to call the airline to make sure you have a Kosher meal.
On the second leg, another miracle occurred. I got food. The airline didn't have my name on the food list. But they had the name of the woman I gave my seat to. The next thing I know, they had an extra meal for me, and my name was Malkie. Then, I got another meal. Somebody said they didn't trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision). I began to respect people who are Machmir (stringent), and don't trust other rabbis, and I had food.
Another miracle. The dinner was only enough food for a snack, and it lasted the whole flight. I am on my way to Israel and I am experiencing all the great miracles of our people. I told myself at that time that I would eat every day, to commemorate the little food that lasted the whole flight. I also committed to eating more than the chicken sliver strip if I was ever going to be Fleishiks again (Fleishiks means I meat, and once I eat meat I have to wait six hours to eat dairy- which is why Jews don't eat meat for breakfast, and why I will never eat meat before 8pm).
The greatest miracle of all. I fell asleep on the huge guy's chest. The little space I had on the plane, was enough to sleep for one night. And to this day, I commemorate that with sleeping. Judaism is about commemorating. I commemorate the oil that lasted eight days, the freedom from Haman, and being able to sleep in discomfort.

When I disembarked, I made it through security. That was a miracle, as I was smuggling in a lot of deodorant. B"H they didn't ask me.
It was God's hand involved in my trip. The Mitzvah of giving up my seat so that somebody else could enjoy the flight. The food that lasted me the whole flight. The not feeling bad about my parents crying as I left.
And the most amazing miracle of all. As I entered Israel, they all welcomed me. I don't know what they said. It was Hebrew. But they welcomed me in the holy language of the Torah. Such a Kiddish H.' Only in Israel do they speak Hebrew. In Israel, Brooklyn, and hotels around the world on Pesach. But they speak Hebrew in Israel too. And they welcomed me, 'Bruchim HaBaim HaBayta.' As I learned later, 'Welcome home.' With all the sad goodbyes, I was home. My belongings weren't there and I had to share a bunk bed with a thirty year old man, but I was home. And I told my non-religious parents I was home, and they weren't happy. And my mom doesn't like God that much right now.

My luggage wasn't there. Yet, they said you can live without your luggage. Only in Israel, the Holy Land, does one not need such physical Gashmiyus, like your belongings. You only need your Neshama and Tzitzis (which I was wearing).

When we stepped out of the airport, I was told to kiss the holy ground. Only in Israel is the ground so clean that you can kiss it.
Ten days later, my luggage came. Another miracle.

Follow Up Notes
I don't believe the holy ground was swept. I did take in a dust ball as I kissed the holy land.
​I still haven't called my mom. Nonetheless. I'm learning. ​If I ever get reception in Yeshiva, that will be another huge miracle. My mom will appreciate that miracle. Right now, she doesn't like God or Golan Telecom very much.
In Yeshiva, we learn in Aramaic. I understand none of it. I still can't tell you if it's a Mitzvah to give up your seat on the plane for somebody who wants a better seat. I am now saving up for a first-class ticket. I don't believe they ask you to do Mitzvahs in first class.
I understand that this story is inspirational. It has inspired many in their journey towards being good Jews. 

These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them.
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff.
Here are some of the many places they've found me.

Pizza Shops
$2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book.
I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it.
Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels.
Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. 

Shul
I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. 
I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar.
And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. 

Walking
I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur.
I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you.

Bus Stops
I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop.

The Kotel
I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye.
I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?'

Woke up at a Park
He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. 
The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better.

In Line at the Airport
How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though.
I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel.

Shul At the Airport
I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there.
No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give.

At My Seat
I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart.

The Grocery Store
Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity.
He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip.

My Front Door
I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar.
I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? 
​He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared.
Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. 

Soup Kitchen
I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No.

If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza.
If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there.

​Announcements 
No touching people’s arms in the middle of a conversation. Many of the older men are using this technique to keep people in conversation, forcing them to listen to the rest of their jokes. It’s abusive and it must stop. Getting people to want to listen to your jokes with intimidation is illegal and assault. We are proposing listening autonomy. If somebody doesn’t want to listen to Merv, they don’t have to stay.
 
We're going to start sending out a weekly announements of what members are doing. Hearing everything about the community members is important. It’s important to know where they go shopping. So we are going to start announcing it on the shul’s webpage. To note: The Finkelmans go to Kohl's regularly. Kroger grocery shopping by the Blumenbergs is done every Wednesday. Melvensteins bought a yacht.
 
The board will from now on make all decisions. We're letting you know this, just in case you want to join another congregation.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Captives...
I understand the Chazan is taking way too long. It's painful... When you take a captive... This shul has taken me captive. The board... I am a prisoner to this long Davening, and a president who thinks the shul needs a another Mechitzah, because he has money for renovations...
How about you don’t paint the shul pink. Fluorescent colors don’t belong in a shul… One Mechitzah is enough. Ba'al Tosif... If I have to explain adding onto Mitzvot. The only addition to Mitzvot you do is adding a Mechitza. That's because you can't stand your wife... How about you add the Mitzvah of not driving to shul on Shabbat... I'm a captive to your sinning...
Merv holds people captive in conversation... Merv. Let them grow their nails first. Before telling them jokes...

Ki Teitzei Lamilchama. When you go to war with your congregants…

(Devarim 21:14) 'If you don't want her, you shall send her away... but you shall not sell her for money. You shall not keep her as a servant, because you have afflicted her.' You have afflicted me. Let me go with a good pension.
She was afflicted. You killed her family. The least you can do, if you don't desire her, is to let her find another man. If a rabbi doesn't desire a congregation... You still pay his pension...
If you take her captive, you have treat her well. The way you've treated me...
You treat people right. That is what the Torah is teaching us. You don't make them listen to bad jokes. Every day...
It's about treating people well. So they don't have to deal with a board...

(Devarim (21:15-17) The son of a despised wife you have to treat well... Even if you despise them. I treat your children well... It could be because of personality. Maybe even ugly...
You don't lose your birthrights to a double portion because your mother is ugly.
We treat the Melvinthal family very kindly in this shul....

(21:20-21) You tell the leaders, ‘This son of ours is wayward and rebellious. He does not obey us. He's a glutton and a guzzler.’ Annoying kids you don't have to treat right...
You teach your child to tattletale... I know you do. I see them at junior congregation... Can I just say that junior congregation is messed up. Why is there a board there?! These kids should not learn about congregation life. It will kill everything about Yiddishkeit... Let them learn to love the traditions without a board... And why did you all cancel the Tehillim group??? No tradition. Just programs. Eating and drinking for no reason.
'A glutton...' I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Any child who doesn't listen to their parents, and eats too many Stella D'oro chocolate holes, stone him... Too much Kishka, where I don't get any. Whack them... You share at Kiddish.
I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Some Bar Mitzvah boys need more than a fruit jelly thrown at them. That's how you keep people in line... Merv keeps them listening in conversation, with force.
We have a wayward board... Yes. You have to warn them. Myself and the Chazan have warned them... Stone the board...
You like this, because it's complaining about your kids. It's like sitting at a board meeting... All you do is complain. We should pelt the parents. If these kids listened to you guys, as parents, they would be wayward... 

Why mention the son now? The rabbis say it's because when you marry these people you get a wayward child... Either that, or if you send them to junior congregation here. I have seen how messed up these kids are... The Bima is not a jungle gym. It's where the Chazin Davens from...
It's the board. If you have a board like Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, you have wayward children.
When a congregation talks Lashon Hara all the time, you have wayward children... They think they can talk about everybody, because all you do is Yent... If your spouse heard you Yentaing, they wouldn't have wanted to marry you... No wayward children speaking Lashon Hara...
Marry good people. Go to Israel and meet somebody.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The main theme to the rabbi's sermons is that he hates the board. I picked up on that weeks ago.
If we got rid of the board, Mashiach would come. That was the lesson at the rabbi's class last week.

The rabbi is not a fan of the new weekly bulletin about what people are doing. I think it is less because of Lashon Hara, and more because he can't stand the people. He definitely hates the board. 
I do like how he took Yenta and turned it into a verb.

The rabbi quoted Chazal, or 'the rabbis.' When he does that, he doesn't know the source. He could've just said he doesn't know the source. But he said Chazal. He could've probably just looked at Rashi. He thinks it's less lazy to say Chazal.

The announcements always have misspellings. This week, they misspelled 'announcements.' Family names have no chance of normal spelling. They stopped dedications, as too many members were mad that their deceased family members were given different names.
And they wonder why people don’t donate money to the shul. They’re donating in other people’s names. The Minkowitz family is giving millions, and the Minobergs are getting the credit.
 
The rabbi is trying to make money off the shul again. This time everybody is worried he is claiming abuse, as they have taken him captive. I think he's threatening a lawsuit. The board is worried. Merv is worried, and scared to tell jokes. 
Fluorescent colors in the shul is messed up, and abusive to God. Whoever put up the fluorescence should be stoned. I'm a captive to neon lights.      
The Melventhals are not good looking. But they are kind people. Thus, the rabbi is nice to them, and doesn't make fun of they way they look.
 
The new announcements about what people are doing has added a level of excellent gossip to Kiddish. More people are showing up to shul now. The better this new weekly announcement about member activities, the more people show up for the commentary.
As we have learned, shul is about numbers. The board has discussed getting rid of the Mincha service, so that there is more of an evening cafe-bar focus in the shul.

The rabbi is at war with the congregation right now. He is defending tradition and decent babkas at Kiddish.

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.

Sound Angry
They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry.  The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy.
Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word.
Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety.

Ehhhh
Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation.
To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes.

Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows
I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. 
It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk.

Welcome People with a Command
When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it.
The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups.  Very scary.
Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer.

Hello is a Competition
Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost.
Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!'

Command Your Kindness
This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming.
You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, ​'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. 
Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more.

Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English
Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.'

Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There
This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. 
​Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.'
LincoLon. That was the presidentie.

Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong
Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong.
Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them.
You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong.

​Don't Sound American
Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. 
If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off.

We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly.

Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong.

Announcements
From now on, all Onegs have to have everybody from the congregation. We should all share the same amount of communal depression when we delight in Shabbat.
 
Strollers have been covering up the entrance of the shul, people have been complaining they can’t get into shul. This is not the reason there hasn't been a Minyin for the past three weeks. It's just that people who haven't shown up have used that as a complaint. As they haven't been to shul, they needed something to complain about.
To note: We've had more than forty kids showing up on Shabbat morning, as they don't have to join Minyin.

To reiterate. As we have reiterated every few months, we figure to reiterate here, again. There are too many strollers right at the door. We know parents don't care. Otherwise, they would move one of them to the side.
We don't have a stroller parking area. Though, we're trying to figure one out.

Pushing strollers in the sanctuary is wrong, even if the child is crying and you're trying to get your baby to sleep. We've told Mrs. Heimowitz to stop.
Clarification, as parents will complain: We're not saying to not bring kids to shul. We're suggesting there are too many of them. Please choose your decent kids. Many of you have children that are not right. Any kid that attacks other kids for candy, and rips up their Shabbat pants jumping on the floor at a Bar Mitzvah, should be kept away from people. Especially if that kid is coming to shul in a stroller.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom Selfish People with Kids...

(Devarim 16:18) We need Shoftim and Shoftim. We need police and judges in our shul... We have a bouncer guy... I understand he's security, but he scares people. He's a bouncer... Too many arguments with the Gabai recently. We need a judge to ensure that his calling up Binyamin for an Aliyah is not illegal according to Jewish law... I don't think violence against the Gabai is called for. Though, sometimes he deserves... We need policing to ensure baby carriages don't cover up the shul's entrance... Yes. It's dangerous.
If people can't get in, can they get out?! The strollers are a fire safety hazard. 

And no more trying to get your baby to sleep in the middle of shul... I understand the carriage is not in today. That's good. Though, you've been walking around burping the kid the whole Shacharit... Nobody wants to see you bobbing up and down...
You've been bouncing and dancing. Do you not realize what you look like when you are holding your kid... You look like a fool. If you did that bopping dance without a kid in your arms, it would be messed up.
If you did that at any other time... I have never seen that dance... I used to watch Soul Train...
​
(Devarim 16:19) 'You shall not pervert judgment.' You pervert... The board perverts everything. Every decision they make is a perversion of Yiddishkeit... Then they're just bad decisions. They're fools...
(16:19 cont.) 'you shall not show favoritism, and you shall not take a bribe, for bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts just words'... There's a lot of perversion in this shul. Just perverts of shul life... I don't know how much the Minkowitz family is giving the shul... There is no reason Sol Minkowitz's picture is placed next to the rabbis of honor row. It is a perversion... You are all led by money. You want to look good for Minkowitz. It's pathetic... You also want to be popular... 
You're going to tell me that Minkowitz getting an Aliyah is not favoritism? He got called up to the Torah... Felsenblum got Galilah. Rolling the Torah is pathetic... That's an anti-honor in shul... Yes. Opening the ark is an honor. Galilah is a task...
Fred doesn't keep Shabbis either. Why doesn't he get an Aliyah?... I know he doesn't have money. That's what the Pasuk is saying...
Jumping at the candies, and yet sitting in strollers... Make them walk to shul. It's a perversion of childcare. Perverted people... If they can whack other kids to get candy, they can walk to shul...
Burping your baby in shul is a perversion.

(16:21) 'You also shall not plant an Asherah. '... Not just idol worship. Even planting this tree. I've seen some of your gardens... Messed up plants growing on your homes... The siding of the house should not be a flower bed... It's horizontal... The front of the shul, messed up now...
(cont.) 'Any tree near the altar of God, you shall not plant for yourself.'  That garden in front of the shul is not for God. God never said, 'Plant me lilacs.'
You don't plant or build on the Temple Mount (Rashi)... Because you would mess it up with lillies... H' doesn't need your bad taste at His place of emenance. Your gardens are messed up... That's why H' says to just leave it brick. No plants...
A little respect for the shul. Can I say that...
​
Listen to me???? Why? The Torah says so.
(Devarim 17:9-12) You have to listen to the Kohens, Levis and judges. Everything they teach you, you shall do... 'And you shall guard to do like all that they teach you'... I teach you... Yes. I teach. You don't show up to the classes. How many times have I taught you to put on Tefillin correctly? Every morning, it's off to the side. It looks pathetic, Frank...
What I teach is Torah...
I've taught you where to put the strollers. You don't listen... A perversion of stroller placement...
The man who doesn't listen, 'he shall die, and you shall remove evil from your midst...' Which is why we should get rid of the board.
I am not saying that the mothers that put the strollers in the wrong place should be stoned. Though, it's evil.... Nobody wants to see you burping your kid in shul. It's against what we teach, and it's a perversion...
Did we not learn that we shall not take bribes, because it affects our actions? It affects our decision making?... Taking bribes is a perversion. Against what we taught. Should the board be stoned?...

These candies are a bribe. Coming to shul in a stroller. Can't walk... Your kid jumped out of the stroller and bit other kids for the taffies. No child would show to youth groups without jellies... It's all bribes.
All of you have messed up concepts of what is right and wrong, as you have been bribed. You are trying to do what is right for other people. Not for God. No moral compass. 
You move a stroller like this... And that is why we need Shoftim and Shotrim.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi started showing everybody how to move a stroller. He mimed it. He then started miming a fake wall, and a rope pull.

​If the Minkowitzs were burping their kid in shul, everybody would say it was cute. 
Everybody in our shul is a pervert of money and popularity. They all want to be part of the cool crew. That's how the cool crowd gets good seats for the High Holidays. I'm stuck in the bleachers. They cool crew has front row seats. They can hear the Kah Kaylee prayer.

Many congregants would like to remove the strollers from the shul. Others believe the kids are an integral part of Minyin. We had one week with no kids in shul and there were no interruptions.
Kids love coming to shul. The people that chill in the hall also love coming to shul. I think sitting in the sanctuary when you're in shul really kills the shul experience. Many of the board member are trying to reconfigure shul to be a place where there is no shul. They feel it will bring more people to shul.

The rabbi's new method of addressing the annoying people he's going to be speaking to, in the beginning of the sermon, is brilliant. This way, the congregants know he's addressing them.

They really do look like fools, walking around with their kids. with that bobbing dance.

An oneg with all the congregants would be painful.  ​Fran truly depresses people. Inviting all the congregants is the correct thing to do. The same rule holds true for Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. Having all members at the Simchas truly helps the congregants feel the exile and the destruction of the Temple.

The rabbi is now working on a Halachik work (Jewish law) to address the issue of Gabais and when physically attacking them is OK.