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nThe rabbi was accused of using the Artscroll commentary last week. So this week he quoted the commentaries that the Artscroll Chumash quoted, using their names. Like the Artscroll Chumash, he quoted Rashi and Ramban. He usually doesn't make it past the first Pasuk in his sermons. Which goes to show how much you can learn from one verse of the Torah.
Masks turned into a thing this week. It really threw off the rabbi. He couldn’t tell who was listening. People were facing all different directions by the time the rabbi got up to speak. I think they were trying to figure out who was under each mask. It's a kind of game to try to get it right. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Flock, Mazel Tov Yanky. We are so proud of you. Nachis… Can the family face the front… The Menorah’s candles all faced the middle. (Bamidbar 8:2) ‘Light the candles towards the face of Menorah.’ They face towards the face… That’s the middle… Everybody look up here. I am talking… They face towards the face… That’s the middle. You face the face… Can people listen? I know you have masks. You can listen... Everybody look here. At my face. Where is the face?... I am talking... Why is the Menorah mentioned after the tribe’s part in the dedication? This was the Kohanim’s part… In Naso, all the tribes have their jobs... You’re supposed to be doing something in shul. Yes… This brought here to comfort Aaron, letting him know that the Kohanim have their job, kindling the Menorah every day, and that job is greater (Rashi). Rambam explains the greatness of the Menorah being the Kohens’ role in saving the Jews from destruction on Chanukah… That was Kohanim. The Hashmonaim were Kohens. And they rekindled the Menorah… It’s what your future generations do that brings blessing. You’re not serving the shul or your people by not learning Torah. Playing Sudoku at morning services during the week does not comfort your ancestors… They know. They’re looking down right now and asking, ‘Where is the Menorah?’… Exactly. We don’t know… Being a Kohen has nothing to do with it... Let’s make a Menorah. Shlomo, come up here… Aaron cared enough to want to be part of the dedication of the Temple. You can care less if we have a decent choolante at Kiddish... That speaks bad to your ancestors… Talking in shul with masks on is not something your ancestors did… (Mishlei 17:6) ‘The crown of the elders is their grandchildren…’ Do you visit? Do you call? Is this Yanky? I can’t tell. Take off your mask… At weddings they uncover the bride's face to make sure it’s her. Should we not expect the same of a Bar Mitzvah? There are good gifts. Everybody wants a set of The Book of Our Heritage... You’re the crown of your ancestors… Yes. You better do good. You’re old enough to be blamed… You’re the age of Mitzvah… Until now, it was your parents’ fault. They sinned a lot... Because of you. It still is their fault. But you get blamed now… The Levites are the crown of the Jewish people… Yes. Figuratively Bernie… A beautiful ceremony takes place where they gather the people to inaugurate the Levites… Yes. The people helped in the process. (Bamidbar 8:9-10) ‘Bring the Levis to the tent of meeting and gather the assembly of the children of Israel… and the children of Israel shall place their hands on the Levites.’ They showed. We can’t even get people to show up to Minyin during the week. We had a class and we couldn’t get people for the pizza… It was Pizza & Parsha… We know nobody comes for the Torah… Yes. Two ‘p’s makes for an excellent program… Are people going to show to a BBQ? Can you eat with a mask?... Rashi explained the hands on the Levites being necessary. In their service, the Leviim were to act as an atonement offering for the people of Israel. I am an atonement for you. The Chazan, serving you from the Bima (stage) is an atonement… You need atonement. There is a reason why the water of purity also translates as ‘water of sin.’ You all sin. You need atonement… Purity and sin are related. What we use stuff for is what makes it holy… You’ve been using your lawns for weeds. It’s weed season… It’s an embarrassment… Everybody put your hands on the Gabai. Head of the sisterhood, over here… The chazan… Place your hands on your leaders. It shows you are taking part. Entrusting… You need people doing service for you Frank. You can’t even read Hebrew… Let’s hear it. On the count of three. Hands on their heads… Forget about their hair… Count of three. ‘Go team’… Hans on me… I am serving you all. Back to the Menorah placements. Facing me… There is no doubt that many of the people in this congregation are sinners. That is why you hired me to be your new rabbi. It will all be hard to atone for all your sins, but I am willing to help. You all need to be part of this… I am going to ask the congregants to approach the podium. You will all then place your hands on my head and cheer, 'go rabbi,' as you lift your hands in unison. This will serve as your inauguration of me as your new community leader. Somebody please help Himey to the podium, as he is a sinner and I saw him eating shrimp the other day. Himey, I will even atone for you. All face me… I am the center of this congregation. ‘The middle of the Menorah’ if you will… (Bamidbar 8:11) The Levites were lifted ‘as a waving before the Lord, on behalf of the children of Israel, that they may serve in the Lord’s service.’ I am doing this for you… When you’re for the people, you have to first do Teshuva, repentance… Because you people sin. Wave your masks… I can finally see who’s in shul today… Now, as Moshe and Aaron lifted the Levites, I will ask the gabai to come to the podium and wave me above his head. As the Leviites served the children of Israel by carrying the holy objects of the temple, as your new rabbi I am going to take the shul's holy breastplates and crowns of the Torah... To ensure their safety. They will be kept in my home, along with the shul's sacred funds... As you become a man, my Bar Mitzvah. Always look to the center of your family. The face of your family. And don’t mess up... We don’t have the Parah Adumah and there is no water of purification. Now it is just water of sin… Are you going to make your grandparents proud?!! We are all part of the service. You are all part of what I do… You are all part of the sisterhood… It is on you. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha It was a very physical sermon. All were involved. Making a human Menorah in shul was fun for all. All ended up facing the rabbi. He got our attention. When he put us in the human pyramid, we all focused on the rabbi, for our safety. He felt the waving service was very important. After he got waved, he felt everybody should be waved. The rabbi waving the Bar Mitzvah boy at the end of the sermon really got his message across. After that, Yanky did whatever the rabbi wanted. The rabbi didn't call up the Bar Mitzvah boy to the Bima, as the whole congregation was up there for the human Menorah already. The Bar Mitzvah boy was not happy that he got 12 sets of The Book of Our Heritage. All people who forgot to get him a gift gave him what the rabbi mentioned in the sermon. The rabbi started swinging people around. It was a new ritual. Some people felt they were being bullied. The kids loved it. The rabbi’s message of his speech was understood. As all are part of the rabbi’s service, as the Jews were part of the Levites; service through their support, he decided to make them run his services that week. Bernie doing the funeral did not go over well. Rabbi stopped the Bar Mitzvah boy in the middle of his Torah reading, and told him he can’t read, as he’s not old enough for service yet. He used last week’s Parsha to make the point. He started a new tradition, where the Bar Mitzvah boy placed his hand on the Torah reader’s head and services moved much faster. A couple of fights started when people began greeting with a hand on the head. Many didn’t enjoy random people touching their skull. Gathering all of Israel to put their hands on the Levites was a great point. Only two people showed up to the board meeting. An email was sent. This led to the rabbi having leaders invite in person and shofar blowing around Topeka on Wednesdays of the monthly board meeting. Due to the masks, the rabbi called off shul. That affected attendance, so the rabbi called off that decision. He was very frustrated that he couldn’t identify who was talking in shul, so we never wore masks again. Yelling at Sadie for messing up the shul quilt was not right. The rabbi was trying to talk to Karen. With the mask. He didn’t realize it was Sadie. He was just very frustrated that nobody joined in the Etz Chaim Hi song, and he didn't know who to blame. People started showing up once they found out there was pizza at Pizza & Parsha. All programs had to start with the same letters from then on. The rabbi didn’t realize it was just the food that was bringing them. Tacos and Torah was a huge hit. They had that on Tuesdays. Guacamole and Gemara was loved. Meatloaf and Mishnah worked for many, even though it wasn’t Mexican. Ham and Halacha didn’t sell. The rabbi wants to know how that slipped in there. Since then, they’ve went to programs and classes that rhyme. It was hard to find foods that rhyme with the sound of ‘ah.’ So, they had to move into non-food excitement. Halacha and Mula was an exciting field trip to the casino. Hookah in the Sukah is on the calendar. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How to Make Your Kitchen Religious5/26/2021
You can feel the Frumness in that kitchen... The bowl of dough rising, the braiding of the Challah, possibly in the hair, cooking in long sleeves with the chicken soup ingredients in the background, oil just to add fat, a water pouring device over the stove that will never be used, a huge other side to the kitchen for dairy... The only thing missing is stickers saying 'Meat.' (photo credit northjersey.com)
Your kitchen is kosher, but is it Frum?
Many new people to Yiddishkeit, Jewish living, try to make their kitchen religious. It's not easy. You can put a Kippah on the microwave. That's cute. But that doesn't make your kitchen Frum. A Frum, religious, kosher kitchen needs a good reputation. That doesn't happen with one sink. That doesn't happen with one oven. That doesn't happen with a microwave; unless if you have a different cover for every type of food you need to heat up. You want people eating over? Here are some key rules for running a Frum kitchen. Never Have Your Fridge Light On Fridge lights must be off for Shabbat. That means 'never turn it on.' As a Frum Jew you are always in a state of Shabbat ready. This is why many Frum Jews wear black suits all week. You should never be able to see into your fridge. If anybody can find the vegetable bin, it's a definite sign that you're not keeping kosher. Use Tin A lot of tin. Cook in tins. Bake in tins. Brisket in tin. Shabbat, holidays, Simchas, decked in tin. After tin, use tinfoil. Tinfoil everything. If you use a pot for cooking, cover it with tinfoil. Paper plates. Plastic table cloths. Use plastic forks and knives. Anything that shows that you do not care about the environment will work. After any holiday, your curb should have upwards of thirty 40-gallon garbage bags on it. A Little Shabbat Parable: One great Shabbat I witnessed an amazing miracle. I didn't believe it could ever happen. Yet, I experienced it. I got through a whole piece of chicken without the fork breaking. I finished the leg and all the teeth were still there. Always Have A Sponge Cake Out Make sure you always have a sponge cake out. Leave it out for as long as you want. You don't have to make a fresh one. Nobody will eat it anyways. Your cake should be edible with herring. Don't worry about having out a babka. That gets too expensive, as people eat it. Your cake should taste good with herring and schnapps. When Pesach Comes, Use More Tinfoil Cover your kitchen fully in tin. Your kitchen should blind guests. It helps for hiding Chametz. Seeing leavened bread is a sin. If there's enough tinfoil, you won't be able to see anything. Dough Should Always Be Rising Even if you're not making bread, have the bowl. A huge industrial size bowl. This way it looks like you're making Challah. A tiny bowl just looks bad. You should also have no small tins. Only the double rectangle that takes up the full oven shelf. Anything less makes it look like you're not even cooking for the minimum number of Frum people dinner attendees. Eighteen. That's the minimum you should always be cooking for. If it's just you and your husband you cook for eighteen. Every Frum kitchen should have tins in the fridge, with leftovers. Frum people should always be eating leftovers during the week. Make sure to note that- Leftovers In The Fridge At All Times. And braid. Always braid. Braiding is the sign of the modern Frum woman. If it's not dough, it's hair. Braid. One caveat to the bowl is Pesach. Get rid of the bowl for Pesach. Have At Least Two Sinks I suggest a sink for every day of the week, and then for Pareve. That will comfort all who question your kosher standing. General rule of thumb: Never use a sink twice. Better yet, two kitchens. And then another kitchen for Pesach. If you are wealthy enough, two kitchens for Pesach. Eight Sets of Dishes You should question using any dish twice. Question everything you do. There is Shabbat, holidays, guests, Pesach. There's dairy, meat, pareve, whatever your mother-in-law cooks. You should be using paper anyways. It's about faith and not worrying whether the lost fork tooth that broke off fell in the choolante. Having to buy another set of dishes is the cost for not having faith in H' and thinking that disposable hurts the environment. The real question is- Does it hurt Shabbis? Have a Box of Food With A Kosher Symbol You Don't Trust Tell people you made a mistake buying it. Not trusting a Hashgacha shows you are better than that product. Frum kitchens should have pride. If that comes with belittling Minute Maid or Mott's, so be it. For extra shul cred, randomly say 'I don't eat there.' Not eating somewhere is the key to your kitchen being Kosher. Let it be known, 'I don't trust the hashgacha at LongHorn Steakhouse.' Scream 'You Treifed Up My Kitchen' Every Once in a While To make Treif is to make something not kosher. Yelling brings out the personality of the religious kitchen. It als shows you have full control of your kosher areas. Kasher Your Kitchen Regularly When your guests visit, pull out a blowtorch. The more dangerous your Kashering of your kitchen, the more religious you look. All Sweet Products Must Say Paskesz on It It just looks good. The product doesn't even need a Kosher symbol on it. If it has Paskesz, it's Frum. Just saying Paskesz gives you Frum kitchen status. It even sounds more religious than Lieber's. Put Stickers on Everything All dairy areas must have dairy. Meat need meat. Pareve, needs pareve. This shows that you don't trust your family when they're getting cereal. Don't let your husband in the kitchen ever. He'll treif it up. Husbands should be sitting at the table, because they mess things up. This is why husbands should never help. I hope this article speaks to the modern Frum woman. That is our target population. Just remember. The environment is not your worry. Your worry is feeding eighteen people. Weekly. Two times. Plus holidays. All savvy Frum people know that you do that with paper, plastic and tin. Kitchen help is not going to pass. Clean dishes is a sign your husband went in the kitchen after dinner, and touched the sink that had no sticker on it. And that means it's treif. So, make your kitchen Frum and be accepted in a way keeping Kosher can't. You deserve friends in your neighborhood. You shouldn't be relegated to eating dinner, alone, with your husband. Nobody should have to suffer Shabbat like that. One last note: If you don't want to braid, you can purchase Challah. Purchasing is still good enough for the Frum kitchen. Nonetheless, there should still be dough a bowl with dough in it. If you follow these rules, all will trust your kashrut, and eat in your kitchen, even if you don't invite them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Wise Men of Chelm have been absent from Jewish literature for many years. Why? Because nobody has been reporting what has been going on in Chelm. The newspaper went out of business when the decision was made that people reading interferes with social interaction. This ban, put out by the sisterhood, led to many members being accused of elitism as they continued playing Sudoku, and that is arguably a book.
The decision in shul was made that people are not allowed to use Siddurs (prayer books) anymore, as people looking inside interferes with conversation during services. And that is rude. Generations have passed and the tradition of Chelm remains, with newer, wiser men and women, who have all joined the board of Chelm. I am here to report to you some of the stories that I came across, despite the lack of news coverage. This is how the Wise Men of Chelm killed the Shabbat services last year, thanks to the decisions of the board. I am not saying they’re unwise. I am just saying that I hope they changed things around since then. Here are the decisions that led to the Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) having to come in to help the community get back on its feet. A New Door A gust of wind hit the shul’s door and it was thrown off its hinges. The community did not know what to do, so for safety, they boarded up the entrance, until a decision could be made. That Shabbat, there was no Minyan, as nobody could figure out how to open the boarded up entrance with the shul key. The maintenance staff said they could fix the door, but the wise men and women of Chelm knew they weren't wise enough for such a job. The idea to fix the door was brought up to the board. “We should purchase new hinges for the door,” said Yankel. “Oy,” Moishele objected, “He knows nothing. We have to fix a door. And this fool brings up hinges?!” The board was in a panic and had no idea what to do. At that moment, Berel the Gabai raised a fresh idea. “We will buy new doors,” he exclaimed. And all were in awe. “This is why we have a Gabai,” Fayge shouted with joy. As the group went shopping, they saw many wooden ornate doors of elegance, but every one of them needed to be attached with hinges. Bayla knew these doors could not work. She continued, “We are a shul. We need building doors. Not hinges.” Shaindel agreed, "We already decided against hinges." A beautiful set of glass doors glistened in the corner of the shop. They were all amazed and drawn to their shine. Rabbi Fishel told the board how great these would look at the entrance to the shul. They all jumped for joy, and reprimanded Yankel, who so foolishly suggested to purchase any hinges. Moishele expressed his delight, “The glass is so beautiful. You can’t even see them.” So, they bought the electric sliding doors. The next day was Shabbat and the whole community was standing outside. Countless people were gathered outside. One asked the next, “Why is nobody going into shul?” A thought arose in Duvidel’s mind, “We can’t use these doors on Shabbat. That is why no one is going into shul. They’re run electronically. We are not allowed to use electricity on Shabbat.” Berel, the Gabai, was there to help explain, “These are weekday doors. These are not Shabbat doors. We will come back tomorrow and use them when Shabbat is over.” Chutzpadik Duvidel asked, “Then why don’t we return these doors, so that we can pray in the shul on Shabbat?” “Oy!. You foolish man,” Berel replied, “Then what doors will we use during the week?!” And the decision was made again, to not go to shul on Shabbat. Other Decisions It was also decided to get iPad prayer books for each seat at shul for Shabbat. That was Shlomo’s idea. As he suggested, “We should get all electric Shabbat items for the shul, as we don’t have to worry about them being used on Shabbat.” All loved the iPad Siddur idea. Moishele's suggestion that the internet was still social, due to the words 'social media,' was the perfect work around for allowing prayer books back at shul. The advice of the JDC was to disband the board. Nobody on the board listened to that advice. It came from people who are not wise. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermon of Rebuke: Naso5/21/2021
Longest Torah reading. The rabbi fell asleep. Young kid was reading. There was no celebration. It was painful and had the rabbi talking about responsibility. The child messed up the words. Shim failed his exam on the US states. He couldn’t remember them. How can he remember 176 Psukim? I think it’s the most verses in the Torah.
We have only One Kohen. But he’s been telling the Levis what to do. It’s been a relative hazing process the past few Parshas. The Kohen even made the Levis wear masks when washing hands. He says that he’s in charge and all carrying must be done for him. The shul is very dirty. Need to bring in the laundry. The cleaning team cleans nothing. Still sanitizing. Not cleaning anything. That started recently. They’ve Now, we’ve got to get stuff cleaned and the Levites don’t take care of the shul’s property. The garden needs a cleaning. There’s weeds everywhere. Frank said it’s weed season, but those are last year’s weeds. People don’t do their jobs, and nobody knows what their job is. Rabbi Menedelchem’s Sermon (Drasha) Shabbat Shalom my Congregants (Bamidbar 4:23) ‘From the age of thirty years and upward, until the age of fifty years you shall count them, all who come to join the legion, to perform service in the Tent of Meeting.’ We need people of age when it comes to holy work… The Levites started from 30… You learn before that… Have you seen the teachers at the day school? They’re twenty-five… Not ready for service… Teaching the kids like they know. They haven’t even learned yet… That’s why we have Bar Mitzvah boys thinking they can layn (read from the Torah)… It’s a service… Yes. You get paid for teaching. But it’s a service. Great when we had to wheel in Hymie… The kids learned something that day. They learned to respect their elders… You throw people into these jobs. That’s why the secretary can’t answer a phone call… She has no idea how a touch tone works. She thinks the shul should have a cell number… We need older people… For carrying stuff. Gershon carried (Bamidbar 4:25) ‘the curtains of the MIshkan and Tent of Meeting…’ Carrying the Torah is important… No. We don’t take the curtains off the ark when the Levi gets an Aliyah. We don’t have the Levi carry the curtain to the Bima (stage where we read the Torah)… Around 3,000 helped with the curtains… They all wanted to help… We can’t even get two out there to wash the Kohens’ hands for Musaf… Nobody moves… You’re 42. You can move… It’s the only service you do. You can’t sing. You can’t teach, because the twenty-five year old Israelites and Samarites are doing that at the day school… No. We’re not lifting the shul and carrying it… Curtains is their focus… They focus on curtains… That’s what Gershonites do… Kehatites do tables... You can't do curtains and tables. You've got to master curtians first... That's how you get shoddy jobs... We need focus in this shul… Everybody needs a task… The kids need to learn to clean... They can't clean yet. They're too young... The curtains are an embarrassment... Tafkid. We have responsibilities… You, in the back left section, have a responsibility to not interrupt… They carried the curtains… Carrying the Torah… Pick the right people. It’s a task… You could take some of the linens to the laundromat. We made a nice kiddish… Mow the lawn… It’s an embarrassment… Carrying the curtains to the cleaners is the Levis’ job… Gershon, Kehat and Merrary. I understand that you’re not Levis, but your parents named you that. You can help with some of the cleaning tasks… You’re also in charge of the new shul extension project… Your parents gave you the name, because you’re triplets. It’s beautiful. Now you have to work together… Live up to your namesake… Lift and transport stuff. Start a moving business... I understand it’s hard, as your grandparents are Sid and Shmuel… I get it. Gershon, Kehat and Merrary are not your grandparents, but you have a task… It’s your name. I know you’re from the tribe of Judah. But your parents didn’t name you that… Learn how to use a lawnmower… The garden needs servicing... After 50, the service ends. You get a bad back… If you’re in shape, maybe we can get some extra years out of you… No. Max should not be using the handicap parking spot… Your wife passed away. You don’t inherit a bad back… Age is a factor in our responsibilities… Bernie. You forgot to get the Kiddish cup last week… At 50 they retire… They relax. They go down to Eilat… Aliyahs are given to old people… Old people do stuff, but they don’t carry anymore… You have a decent back beforehand. You mow the lawn before you’re fifty… That’s why the grass is high. You don’t wait till your abilities run out, and you have to hire people, to get a decent looking lawn... You have abilities. Work it until you get older… Why don’t the Kohens carry?... I feel like we have a Korach here. Asking questions. That’s not the point… No. We’re not moving the shul again… We have an excellent building… Last time, we hired movers… None of them were Levis… Why is a 15-year-old leading services now? Tzachi can lead services. He’s Israeli. Different decisions. He defends Israel… That’s his task… I get that he’s twenty-one, but he has a very deep voice for some reason… I think he talks from a different part of the mouth… He’s here now. How can he defend Israel from here… He defends our shul from poor Hebrew… You’re a Levi. You need to bring the Parochet (the curtain by the ark, Aron HaKodesh) to the cleaners… You’re in charge of the ark cover, do it… Exactly. You’re carrying it… We don’t let you open the ark, because you might die… The shul is a Beit Hamikdash Miat, a small temple… You want to take a chance opening the curtain?... Let the Kohen do that… No more complaining that the Kohens don’t help… They’re Kohens. The Kohens are Kohens... The lawn is A chilul H.’ An embarrassment… Who’s going to mow it? What teenager can we get to mow the thing? Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha The Rabbi separated tasks in the congregation He made the Levites take in the shul linens to the dry cleaners. The Tallises were also brought by the Levis. The washing of Kohen hands was to be entrusted to the Gavny family. He didn’t let the Levis open the curtain. I think that’s just because he didn’t like the Levis in the shul. None of them have good voices and the rabbi wants them to help more with the gardening. The giveaway is that the Israelites open the ark and none of them have died from it yet. Most of them have passed away from natural cause. Many have had high blood pressure. Our shul’s members have an average resting systolic of 170. The ark opening was supposed to be the Kohen's job, but he didn’t feel he should work. The Kiddish is the sisterhood’s job. No sisterhood has been voted in, so nobody knows what that means. We’ve had no Kiddish the past month. The rabbi is mad about this and he is blaming the sisterhood. Nobody feels bad. The lawn mowing went to the Simchovitzes. No more Hagba for people over 50. You could only lift the Torah until 50. They found drool on the scroll one Shabbat. The Simchovitzes wanted to know what lawn mowing had to do with the Temple service. A chutzpah. The rabbi explained that you needed a decent lawn to erect the Tabernacle on. No Torah reading by anybody under thirty. Bar Mitzvahs were called off and the boys just got an Aliyah. The rabbi literally stopped the Bar Mitzvah boy the following week and told him he can’t read. Aliyah list was made. Had to honor people right. Many Hosafot, additional Aliyahs for calling people up to the Torah, were added. This allowed everybody to be honored. Aliyahs were cut into three verses; calling up people every three Psukim. There were 59 Aliyahs. One Shabbat it was decided that the Bar Mitzvah boy was too young to get an Aliyah. It was too important of a position. He ended up getting Galila (rolling of the Torah). At his Bar Mitzvah, he got no Aliyah and was told that he was being judged for everything he did. He was very sure to role that Torah perfectly. It took him fifteen minutes to get each part of the scroll wound just right. After that, the rabbi decided to let the Bar Mitzvah boys layn again, as the rolling took even longer than their painful reading of the Torah. He decided to let Bar Mitzvah boys make mistakes too. He also called off Hosafot, saying that he didn’t realize how much time it took care about people getting honored. The rabbi also gave up on caring about what the Levis did. He realized they were useless, as they brought the curtain to the wrong cleaners. The dry cleaners put the curtain in a regular wash and could never get out the wrinkles. They said they cutting fit the curtain on the board, and ‘there is no ironing board for ark curtains.’ It’s good we didn’t bring in the drapes. The whole Levite fiasco was letdown, when the rabbi realized he could only find eight to help bring it to the cleaners. It was nowhere near the 2,630 the rabbi was hoping for. Gershon, Kehat and Merarry are still mad that they can’t wash the Kohen’s hands. They’ve always wanted an excuse to leave shul during Musaf on the holidays. The shul strongman competition was won by the Israelites, but they don’t have the requirement to carry stuff. The rabbi is now making all Levites hit the gym. They 35-year-old Levis can’t even do Hagba. Not even three columns. It’s pathetic. The rabbi is scared of the Israeli. He came two weeks ago and his voice is very deep. He sounds like he commands the rabbi when he asks him questions about Jewish law. He asked if he had to bring a new pot he bought to the Mikvah. The rabbi thought he was commanding him that it had to be brought to the Mikvah. The rabbi took it and dunked it himself. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help. The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away. But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha. BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA I learned this over the past year. Proper Attire You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks. You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them. Tip Your Webcam When You Stand Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too. Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now. Eat the Food in Your House Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. Dance with a Hand Raise The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip. Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. Show Your Blank Screen Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time. Be Sure to Mute Yourself You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full. Clean Your House We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it. And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui. Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time. I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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They say they Amerikay. Need keep two day Shavuot. Very funny.
We no in Chutz LAretz. We in Israel. How much blintze you need eat? We do one day. It Israel. What you do day two? I do. You do. I don't know. More Blintze? Day two. I go supermarkety. Zey ehhhh eat ehhh. How much Amerkaniy eaty? I say, 'who cook?' You no cook. No Shabbat. They cook. I mistakeee. Holiday you cookie. I say, I go storee. Who you buy food? Zey no buy food. It miracle. Zey haveee all blintze. 2,000 blintze. I put on kilo. They ehhhh, Eight kilo. Two day celebrateee. Eight kilo Amerikay gain. Zis why they fatty. Two day Yom Tov. Two day blintze wisss cherry and cheese. Ehhh eight kilo. Miracle. Ferst day Chag, one kilo. Second day Chag. Second day, ehhhh seven kilo. Zey ehhh want weight. It holy fatyy. I drivy car. I beep, say, 'Chag Sameach.' I say 'happy holiday.' I say English. Israel. One day. It Israel. We know day. In Israel, they still wear suit. Studenties Amerikaneees very funny. We no wear suit all time. On Shavuot, no jacket. We no have suit. Very funny. We no suit. Zey wear suit to Tefilla-pray. I go store. I say 'Shavua Tov.' Amerikay walk to Kotel. Zey walkie to Kotel in suit. I am no suit. I drive. I beep. Zey ehhh sink I antee-Semee. I no antiee-Semite. I Jew. I beep, say 'Shavuot Happy.' I eat meat. Zey ehhh lactoseee no. How Amerikashnazy eat blintze two day? I don't know. Nes. Zis miracle. No lactoseee, but they ehhh eaty blintze ehhh wis cheese two day. Very funny. I beep, I say, 'ehhh I milk man ehhh hereee.' Pesach, they have one more day of Matzah. I haveee stomach BsederOK. Zey eat more Matzah. Zis vhy Amerikanee big heavy ehhh. Then Sukkot. Simchat Torah wrong day. Zey danceee second night. We dance Shmini Atzeret. Zis Simchat Torah. I no dance sevent time around twice. Zey dance second night to be thineee. Zey need lose weight. They dance. Seven more time they dance and in suit. Lose Matzah and blintzeeee. No holiday holiday. Very funny. Ehhhh, I don't know. I say Chag Sameachchchch ***From Kibbitzer Staff: Shmulik wrote this through dictation. We are trying to figure out how 'zey' and 'they' were both picked up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermon of Rebuke: Bamidbar5/14/2021
It was a hot day. A heatwave must’ve hit. The air-conditioner went out. It felt like we were in a desert.
Everybody is ready for the inter-shul baseball league. It’s very competitive and keeps people from switching shuls. The league games builds so much hatred for other shuls, it has helped us with membership retention. The board is a very big fans of the league. We’ve traded some members in the past, due to loudness during prayers. We had to get rid of Nachman. He was loud at shul, but never cheered at the baseball games. Now, when Beit Knesset Am Kshei Oref plays us, Nachman cheers so much. He interrupts almost as much as he did in shul. Many people say the rabbi wings the sermons, so he gave source sheets. He made it look impressive. It was six pages and none were double sided. The girth was an instant hit. The men’s section had nobody handing out the sheets, so nobody got all six pages. It went from one to the next and nobody knew which page they had. I handed out the pages in the women's section. The women used the sheets to fan themselves. Most said one was enough. Some took one of the other six sheets, as they had two free hands. You have two free hands if your Siddur, prayer book, is not on your lap. If you have an empty seat next to you, or one of your children, you can put it there. I've seen little kids holding ten Siddurs during the rabbi's sermon. If the shul would have Siddur holders, parents wouldn't need to bring their kids to shul. The handing out the sheets was a twelve-minute ordeal. The rabbi finally assigned leaders of each section to go out to hand out the sheets and to battle in the synagogue baseball league. The men had to be 20 and older. Then the sermon began. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Everybody take a pamphlet... You can see there are six different pages… OK… (Bamidbar 1:1) ‘And H’ spoke to Moshe in the wilderness of Sinai, in the Tent of Meeting…’ It’s hard to hear H’ in our community… You’re always talking during Tefillah… Tent of Meeting. Shul is our Tent for Gd… I am speaking to you in a desert of Torah. Because you talk wrong… Can’t hear Gd over Mark’s silent prayer…. It’s loud… Not talking to people… If the secretary would respect my office, I would be able to meet with Gd… At least learn. But I have meetings with congregants… In the desert… Single people go to the desert to meet singles. Parties… Where they live, it’s called ‘the swamp’… They get stuck there and they never get out… Here, single people move and they leave. It’s very dry… Yes. They leave single, but they are not stuck here… Because you never call them up to the Torah Shim… If the Gabai would call them up… They’re single. They don’t pay dues. They’re good for the baseball team… They’re over 20 and… They have no right to not be attracted. I know. But we’re not talking about Shidduchim now… Who cares if they’re not attracted? We’re playing against another shul… This is why I need an office where I can speak to Gd… Speaking to you, ends up in bad decisions and we end up in fifth place… There are five shuls. And who are they to not be attracted… Gd would have much better Shidduch ideas then Chaya Sheindel… (Bamidbar 1:2-3) ‘Count… according to their families, their father’s households, counting the names of every male… from 20 years and up, all that do service for Israel…’ I am not speaking to the teenagers right now. They are worthless. They do nothing for the shul. Even Sheirut Leumi is questionable… People 20 and up… Under 20, not people... They're a responsibility... You’re being addressed. How? According to your families… You are addressed according to your families. That’s why we call on the Schwartzenbergs… Schwartzie!!! We call on the Goldstones when we need Shalishudis… But we are calling you according to your ‘names.’ And your ‘name’ is connected to your family… You are an individual within your family… There’s good reason the Goldstones have a bad reputation… it dates back to Zayde Felvel who never paid dues and never got a double… That’s why we do family names. This way we know the debt… Who can we depend on?... Long history on depending on the Himlowitzes. But they moved to Israel… No. Bernie. You ruined your family’s reputation… The shul softball team… You represent your family… We don’t call you by the shul’s name for a reason. That’s why your family name is on the back… We don’t want to ruin the shul’s reputation… We are the most out of shape shul. Don’t need that reputation… Give your family a good name. Help the community. We’re doing a blood drive this week… Can’t call on the teenagers for that… If you catch a ball in the outfield, the Goldstone family name could change for good… Your individual name is also important... Can somebody please role up one of the source sheets and smack Hymie with it… You were sleeping again… (Bamidbar 1:4) ‘And with you (Moshe and Aaron) will be one man from each tribe…’ We need family leaders. I can’t deal with everybody from the family. We saw what happened with the Heinmann pitching... Each family will have a representative… We are going to have shul heads. From now on families are going to decide on who gets the Aliyah… This way, you choose your favorite child… Who gets called up the most to the Torah is the favorite… We’re talking about communal service here. Leadership. What families will be designated for what? The Schwartzenbergs are in charge of collecting dues… We can trust that they’ll be honest, as they haven’t paid… The Heinmanns are in charge of the back left corner of the shul, where they talk during services… The Pinzkowitzs are in charge of youth… The goal is to keep them out of shul. They're under 20… That’s why we have the youth Minyin… The Pinzkowitzs come from a long line of hall talkers… They don’t come into shul… The Zimberfelds are in charge of cookouts… They don’t come to shul… Shul activities outside of the shul will be theirs… The Goldostones are in charge of nothing to do with sports… In charge of food for Shalishudis… No cooking is involved, so we don’t have to worry… It doesn’t taste bad when you buy it… The Feinblooms are in charge of the baseball game… Let them deal with it… The Friedbaums are in charge of accounting… This is to help with knowing how many Aliyahs for each family… Less fights in shul… Who hasn’t paid dues? The Goldstones also haven’t… The heads can help you count… We need counters… We need designated counters… The Friedbaums come from a long line of accountants… Their good at running numbers… They can also be in charge of setting people up… The Shidduch committee is very important… We have three singles. Getting them all to date is hard… Shipping in Jewish singles also works… Mrs. Freidbaum, you’re perfect for this. You’re very nosy… You can also run the blood drive... I’ve heard you set people up. You can care less about people’s feelings. Other people’s blood doesn’t bother you… Rotensteins are in charge of the dress code… We have to give your daughter a shawl every time she comes… You stand by the entrance and cover people up… Ezra Kornblum represents himself… He’s single… Just leave the single people out. They have no family… They can be sent to the teen minyin… They’re all single… Take pride in your last name… Pay dues and learn how to play baseball… Wait. I just heard from H' who said to not let any Goldstone on the team this year... Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha The Rabbi didn't use the source sheet for any of his speech, but everybody was extremely impressed with the number of sources. There were 20 sources. The rabbi was shocked at how impressed people were with just sources. The following week, for his Shavuot class, he just handed out a source sheet and left. His new style was loved by all. He started going on tour for a bit, in the middle of Spring, as a scholar-in-residence. He built up a reputation for handing out a large packet of sources and allowing people to go through it. He never had to say a word after that. Didn't give one speech. He just handed out sources in congregations around America, and the people said, 'Pshhh. Look at this. A real scholar.' This year, he’s planning a book tour with his new book How to Rebuke Your Congregants for Results. He’s calling the tour, ‘The Book Speaks for Itself.’ The Schwartzenberg family still hasn’t bought it. They haven’t paid their dues either. But they do eat a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi went through shul 12 leaders. None of them helped him. He made Mrs. Krynetz the leader of cooking, as she is the only that cooks Jewish food. She’s the only one that knows how to make anything other than a quiche. The rabbi also gave Mr. Kandell the rights to locking up the Torahs. He owns a security safe company. He has the leadership of ark position. He’s not good at delegating. The shul had to wait two hours for a Shacharit service, for him to come and unlock the ark. One day, they just skipped the reading. He said he was on call the night before, because one of his safes was broken into. If there was decent air-conditioning, nobody would’ve used the sheets. It looked classy to have all the women fanning themselves, so the rabbi didn’t say anything about it. Thank Gd the youth service was happening at the time. The teenagers feel like they’re doing something there. But I understand how little they do for the congregation. The teenagers don’t even layn. If they would learn to read from the Torah at least. Decision was made that the silent prayer had to be silent from now on. The rabbi started calling everybody by last names for the next while. He felt that it brought more of a Jewish summer camp feel. He said we needed that to compete in baseball. He also stated that it was important for identity. The shul made new building plans to turn everything into shacks and bunks. It was part of the new Jewish identity project. The last names on the jerseys made it hard to call the team together. Going through all the last names to get a huddle going took a real long time. ‘Go Friedbaums, Rotnsteins, Schwartzenbergs, Heinmanns, Pinzkowitzs, Zimberfelds, Goldostones, Feinblooms, Friedbaums, Korbnblum, Goldstein, Schwartz, Goldberg…’ The rabbi said that if we win a game we can call the team by our shul. 'Go Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah' takes a long enough time, making it also hard to cheer to a good beat. We hope the lack of air-conditioning and heat help the members get in better shape for softball season. The members won't due anything other than passive exercise and they haven't been to the shvitz in a while. The rabbi began counting the offspring that was 20 years and older. Reuven had 46,500 in Sinai. The most our shul had was 312, by Sadie, who's 100 years old last year. One of her kids had 4 children. It was a huge success by American standards. Sadie liked it when her children didn't visit. They would turn off Fox News and put on cartoons for the great grandkids. She felt like they were using her house, because none of them had a roundscreen TV. The shul roles didn’t work. The Friedbaums stopped accounting when they didn’t get paid. They ran the numbers and found a way out of a paying dues. And he counted all the shul members who paid their dues. Twelve. That was it. Twelve people paid dues. They felt that a new system of paying per family member was the way to go. The families were against it. Grandparents didn't want to pay dues for their grandkids. Many families split because of this. The blood drive was a success. Many people showed up, as the shul served ice cream. Three people gave blood. We commend the Pinzkowitzs. Due to Mark's loud silent prayer, it was decided that silent prayers had to be silent. No singing silent prayers anymore. Even so, lip moving is still making a lot of noise. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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HOME STYLE
•Front lawns are used for the lawn chairs. Bring your backyard into the front and live the bungalow life. Chana Rachel says, 'You can't afford to bring yourself to The Mountains. Bring The Mountains to you, and turn your neighborhood into the bungalow you've always wanted.' FINANCES •Property value in the religious neighborhood of Flatomer is down due to bungalow style summer living on the front lawns. City councils are claiming that property values will go back up when the Fisher Price slides go to the backyard. Benches in the front yard are fine, as is full on jungle gyms. The message is 'No Fisher Price on the front lawn.' Statement from City Councilman, 'Nobody wants to interact with their neighbors in a neighborhood.' ISRAEL •Local Palestinian explains, 'The weather is nice enough. Sun is out. It's the perfect time for terror. When you attack, you at least want a chance at a decent tan.' •Hamas celebrates Jerusalem Day by sending rockets into Israel. Israel is being blamed for lack of fireworks used in the country's celebrations. Hamas claims that once their rockets meet an interceptor it looks joyous (that was Mark's addition for the week). •Now that many have received the vaccine, Hamas is back out there, attacking Israelis. To quote, 'What kind of suicide bomber would take a chance with COVID? That's not safe.' AMERICA •JStreet honors Jimmy Carter for his lifetime dedication to Israel. As stated, 'We want to thank President Carter for his commitment to Israel. Nobody has spoken out more against Israel in the past 45 years.' ON A HAPPY NOTE •We hope to have that next week. JEWISH •Mother's Day goes by and the kids still didn't call. As the Jewish mothers said about their kids living at home, 'They never call.' (This was Rachel's contribution. She felt we needed a traditional Jewish style joke in the Jewish section. She even threw in the second day holiday joke, for mothers who live outside of Israel.) •In preparation for Shavuot, Ashkenazi Jews claim to not be lactose intolerant, so they can eat cheesecake. Community members protest, ‘Whatever it takes. Nobody will stop us from eating cheesecake.’ SHUL POLITICS •Classifieds: We're starting our third breakaway Minyin from the shul. Looking for a tenth man to make a statement that we don't like the rabbi. We promise no speeches. We promise to not interrupt your conversation in the middle of Torah reading. ANTI-SEMITISM •They still hate the Jews. •JTA reports, 'The Guardian says supporting the pro-Zionist Balfour Declaration in 1917 was a mistake.' Readership is up as The Guardian takes a stand against themselves. As stated, ‘We mean what we write. Our word is final.’ The Guardian was trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration. To quote, 'It was a mistake. It sounded so good when Balfour declared it. That letter, and his British accent sounded so beautiful... We were trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration of Simon, who said, "Get the Jews out of my neighborhood. I don't like kosher pizza."' What allows the staff to take back the words written in 1917? It's the Guardians 122 year old writers. *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How to Stay Up Shavuot Night5/11/2021
The two main traditions of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and to eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Layla Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.
The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise, is hard. What people who are lactose intolerant do for Shavuot, I do not know. Maybe they skip the holiday. Myself, I take this holiday seriously and do not sleep. Let me share some of the methods that have helped me connect with this tradition, staying awake on Shavuot: Eat a Long Meal Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours of learning. I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class. Eating and enjoyment on the holiday are also Mitzvahs. Hence, you want your meal to go as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For the solids, I was chewing up to 80 times. To extend the meal even longer with conversation, I didn’t talk with my mouth full. That was the first meal in my life where I sat with other people, eating, and had no conversation. People were asking me questions, but I was acting proper and waiting till there was no food in my mouth before answering them. I never answered them. Stuff Blintzes Don’t just eat. There is a myriad of ways you can stuff blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken, brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill up your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus. Do Not Learn If you learn, you will fall asleep. The countless number of times I have fallen asleep over the years, in the Yeshiva’s Beis Medrash, is astonishing. The only ones not surprised were the rabbis. Show up 20 Minutes Late to Class Knowns as Shiur, the classes are going to happen with or without you. So, do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late. If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes. That trick got me fired. So, do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 my sophomore year in college. Walk Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that ensures you will not sweat. Therefore, it's not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday. After eating, you will need to walk. The Neshama Yeteira, extra holy soul we receive on Shabbat and holidays, only needs so many calories. The rest will sit on you and stay after the holiday. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira doesn't leave, as I put on twelve pounds last Shavuot. I didn't even have twelve pound cakes; I had one. I have a feeling the Neshama Yeteira stays and it has a really slow metabolism. Walk to the Kotel Thousands from around Jerusalem, who stayed up all night, gather at the Kotel for the morning service. Start walking as early as you can. One year, I went straight from dinner to the Kotel, and I missed the morning prayer service. That is how successful I was at staying up all night. Walking to the Kotel will help eat away learning time. Living in the outskirts of the city, such as Gilo, can be beneficial for this technique of staying up to learn without learning. If you live in Har Nof, that is your night. This method works even better if you're living outside of Jerusalem. It may be forbidden, but the trek will keep you up for days. Drink Coffee I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It's more fun. Ritalin also seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that the children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community. Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form. If none of this helps, bring up anything political and somebody will get passionate. That will keep you up. Bring up COVID, travel, anything about Israel or Donald Trump, and you will be kept occupied by their opinion. Just don't try responding with any ideas of your own, unless if you want to be kept up past sunrise. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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What do I expect as a mother, this Mother's Day? My kids to want a good dinner. That's what I expect. To have to cook. What do I want? As a mother, here are things I want. I can't say it to my children, but maybe your children and husband will understand and make your life decent for one day.
I would like sleep. A Clean House I'm going to have to clean it tomorrow. I just want one day where they clean up the Lego and the fashion toys. I don't even want a clean house. I want the joy of seeing my kids clean up after themselves, once. Even the cleaner we have has no idea what to do when one of my children leaves their bowl on the table. Shock, is the normal response. She is dumbfounded to see a bowl sitting there, right where the child ate. She said she wasn't a slave. Which made me think how bad being a mom really is, even if I love being a slave. A cleaning lady cleans the area. A slave cleans up the mess one of my children left for me. Do the Laundry One day a year. Do the laundry. I think I do three loads a day. Every day of my life is three loads of laundry. That's my day. Laundry. I don't have time for anything else. Even when I'm picking up the kids, I'm doing laundry. It's in the machine. I thought there would be trips, vacations, family time. No. I do laundry. If I'm talking to my husband, I'm talking to him, taking out the laundry and folding it, while cooking. Let me have one day. Even one load. Do a load yourself. It will be my two hour vacation. I would suggest the kids fold them, but making a ball of clothes isn't folding. A course. How about a course on how to fold laundry, so that my children's drawers close? Gifts A ladle with a long handle. I am sick of having to reach across the table and carry people their bowls. I want people to eat. That's where I get my Jewish mother joy. My children bring a bit of joy. Them eating brings me much joy. One of my children not eating at all, brings me no joy. A thin child is a joyless child to me. If I can't tell one of my older children that they have to lose weight, I don't know what I will do as a mom. A long ladle will help my back and enhance my ability to chuck more food on people's plates without them knowing. Spa Day A nice day of relaxation, without my phone. This way the family can't reach me and tell me what they want for dinner. If the kids can't afford that, they can at least cut up a cucumber. Cucumbers in water and two slices for my eyes is fine. Don't get me a date at the beauty salon. Just tell me my hair doesn't look good. I'll accept it and I'll wear the shaytel (wig). No Asking for Stuff This isn't Chanukah. I understand it's a celebratory day. Nonetheless, my children have to understand that they don't get a gift on every holiday. I thought Mother's Day was a giveaway for who should get the gifts, but it's still not clear. I don't want to bring up my last birthday, where I had to buy the children Slurpees. Sleep You woke up mom how many days of her life? Even before you knew it, you woke her up for 800 days straight. And now you woke me up today, thinking it would make me feel great knowing that my kids love me. No. Sleep makes me feel great. I smiled. I had to. You had a sign that said 'Greatest Mom.' I don't need the sign. I need sleep. I am happy being a decent mom with sleep and no carpools or laundry, with children who like me. And no asking questions when I am sleeping. Shaking me does not help me feel any better about having to answer a question during REM. Minivan Driver Not the minivan. Somebody to drive it instead of me. Another mom who is willing to run carpools would also work. I don't understand how I end up driving three kids, that aren't mine, home everyday. I don't even know their names. Maybe if the other moms would pay me for the service, that would be appreciated. They're at work. I would also love to take a break and leave my family for eight hours a day. If you're driving to work in anything other than a minivan, you're not doing your job as a Jewish mother. What Not to Give The kids think Mother's Day is a day I have to do more. A day to focus on what mom does for them. Letting me take you to the mall, because mom is the one driving, is not a gift; even if you're spending more time with mom. Breakfast in Bed I am going to have to clean that up too. You're going to spill it on the way, and I'm going to have to slave. Slaving here means cleaning up something that should've been wiped up by my children. It was beautiful getting breakfast in bed. It would've been nice if I didn't have to get up to bring the tray back to the kitchen. Vacation If you're joining mom, that's work. Focusing on Mom Let this be the one day a year where there is no focus on mom, so that mom can relax. No saying 'Mom' or 'Mother' all day. And no screaming in the house; that's the same as saying 'Mom.' If you hurt yourself, don't say 'Ouch,' because that's like saying 'Mom.' We all know that 'Dad' won't help. If you sing the Happy Birthday song for her, because Mother's Day is truly an afterthought and a day to get more out of your mom (while syphoning a tune and lyrics), then you can use 'Mother' in the song. Honor me by forgetting about me, so I can sleep. Message To My Children that I Love Bend. I just want my kids to bend. Bend to pick up the pot to cook with. Bend to sweep the floor. Bend to wipe up the milk they spilled. Bend to pick up their toys, or whatever they threw down after they finished playing. Bend to put their clothes away after they shake them off their leg. This Mother's Day, I just want one of my children to bend. My children should know to bend and to call. I don't care if you're living in the house, as a Jewish mother I have the right to complain that you don't call. I am going to get some sleep. If you let me sleep, I will love you tomorrow. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Community BBQ got rained out. Next time they're planning an indoor BBQ. The rabbi mentioned the idea of a cook-in. This is where you cook and eat inside, and use an oven, and you eat inside with a fork. It tastes just like the BBQ, but you don’t have to worry about rain. I believe he doesn't like having to travel all the way to the park to watch over the members. Watching them in shul itself is painful. Seeing them stuffing their faces and licking sauce off their fingers bothers him. He says it's forbidden to eat like them. He doesn't even say 'animals.' He says 'like them.' He also likes cushioned seats.
He connected it to people understanding that the earth is not theirs. Started on a midweek sermon about how the land of Israel is Gd’s (Vayikra 25:23), as Gd continues to say, ‘you are just dwellers and inhabitants with Me.’ He added that if we would understand how the world worked, we would’ve known that you return the land to its rightful owners in the 50th year, the Year of Jubilee, you don’t work the land that year, or in the seventh year, and you don’t do a community BBQ in the beginning of May. He could’ve just told us to wait till June. This is where he took off on how we need to do Shmitah, sabbaticals. He mentioned nothing of the law taking effect 'when you go into the land.' We're in Topeka. I hope he gets the vacation he's been hoping for. So he can go to Israel and keep Shmitah. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon (Drasha) Shabbat Shalom Stop!!! (Vayikra 25:1) ‘The land shall return, it’s a Shabbat for H’… H' deserves a Shabbat too... He also deserves rest... That's why we don't ask for stuff on Shabbat... You're always asking for stuff, Sadie... Give Him a break. Can you imagine people asking you for health and a good living all the time... It's a lot... The land returns to Gd in the seventh year… Shabbat… Rest… Seven… Give me a year off… On Shabbat the land returns to H’… Don't work... Seventh year, I get payed leave... (Vayikra 25:6) ‘This Shabbat of the land will be yours to eat...’ Food of the seventh year... Good food comes when you don’t mess it up. You work it and there's nothing good... How somebody can mess up an apple pie is crazy. Unpeeled apples are better than what we had… Add cinnamon… Then use whipped cream... I’m not going to mention last week’s Kiddish with the spoiled cheesecake… You keep it in the freezer. Don't touch it. Then pull it out and let it rest for seven minutes… The problem is you put it in the microwave. You worked it. You did not let it rest… That is what Shabbat is. A return to H.’ Letting stuff rest so you don’t mess it up… Trust in H'... Yes. Bernie. On Shabbat we return to H.’ But it’s hard to do that when the congregation… Why congregants can’t return pens… The pen says ‘Congregation Beis Emes USefeliah’ on it… You return stuff… Now we have to wait seven years to get the pen back… Is the pen an inheritance??? Forty-nine years is the inheritance... Is it really yours if it says the name of the company on it??? No. It’s the companies… You mess things up. You mess them up for six years. Give it a seventh year to not mess it up… Give one day a week where you don’t mess things up… All I am asking is one day a week where you don’t come to me with your questions… I am not a healer... (Vayikra 25:8) ‘Count seven cycles, seven times… 49 years.’ You can barely count the Omer. 49 days you can’t get through… Tzvi counted 5… Our synagogue abandoned the Omer count at eight. We’re abandoning Shavuot this year… 5781. That’s this year… You don’t even know the year. How can we count 49 of them? (Vayikra 25:13) In this year of rest, ‘people will return to their inheritance.’ How can you rest when you know you have something that is… It’s the shul’s pen… It's not an inheritance... Now Bernie’s sleeping. No care for morality… Rest is about returning to H'… It's the office's... It's a jubilee, you return the pens... Who does it all belong to? (Vaykira 25:23) ‘And the land, you shall not sell forever, because the land is mine and you are just living with me’… How much selling... You can't sell forever... The land is H’s. Eretz Yisrael belongs to H,’ not the Vatican… Just a lot of it belongs to the Vatican... It doesn’t belong to the Israeli government… That's taxes... OK. Gd and the Vatican... Then tell them about Yovel (50th year). They don't mention it in the New Testament... That's why... The money is not yours. Mr. Madson, that really isn’t your money. That is your wife’s, and it's time for you to pay alimony… Too much selling... We are not doing the appeal for the new building fund today… It's not yours... Nothing is yours... The building is not yours… It's H's... Mr. Schwartz, you have a lot of money. I hope you are enjoying your new Cadillac. You spent a good amount on that. It is time you shared some of that money with the rest of the community… Have you heard of Ma’aser? Tithing… A tenth of… Taxes it the governments. This is Gd's... He should've raised it... The way we treat the land, and money... Because you rip people off. (Vayikra 25:17) 'You shall not wrong your fellow Jew' by ripping him off... You opened that garage and started with charging for labor... No. twelve minute is not an hour... You charge for the number of years... In Bechukati (Vayikra 26:3-5), it’s clear, ‘If you follow in my decrees and keep my commandments and do them. I will give you rain in it’s proper time’ the earth will work, you’ll have trees… ‘you’ll dwell securely in the land’… Just keep the Mitzvot… Rain will come when we’re not trying to have a shul picnic… You don’t do well in the stock market by investing. You do well by showing up to shul on time. By keeping Shabbat. By not constantly working the garden... Why does nothing in this shul go right? You follow none of my rules… People are still shining their foreheads… The baldness is glaring all over the shul… There’s no security here… Exactly. Where is the security guard?... So, he’s on Sabbatical?… If you just rested more. Shabbat. If you just got more sleep, you would be doing better… You mess it up… You’ll mess up the shul if you build more… The drapes are there because members made them... Your work messes it all up… Stop trying… That's the key to success… Fifty years to get a pen back... For Gd. What’s right… Not stealing. And count, Sam… If we don’t count. Yes, counting the Omer is a Mitzvah. If we don’t do the Mitzvot, the action, how can we rest… I know that our new executive director is fine with it. But… Relax. It’s not even yours… Take off this year… Spend the time returning the pens you stole… Relax. Your business bears no fruit. Been working for 14 years in this congregation and nothing… It’s time for a Sabbatical… I can’t jubilate here… In the 50th year, you return the seat to its rightful owner… You stole his Makom Kavuah, his permanent seat… He didn’t want to cause a fight… The last theft of a seat led to the Sukkot Brawl of 5780… The fight went out to the Sukkah… That’s also why we stopped serving schnapps at Bar Mitzvahs… You keep the laws of the land… Cover the foreheads and we will all pray securely… It also says earlier, in Vayikra 25:18, ‘If you do my decrees... you will dwell securely in the land’… You’ll also have good fruit from letting the land rest… Things will be good… No need to make a messed up apple pie with no cinnamon... If you would listen to me… If the board were to have listened to my idea for the new Kiddish room… Who has the right to rest? You have to deserve it… I get a Sabbatical. Yes… Because I do the stuff. I have been working this shul… What have you… Rabbi, garage, what’s the difference? You have to work... More than twelve minutes...(Vayikra 25:3) ‘Six years you sow the field and six years you prune the vineyard and gather produce’… Yes. You have to work… You trust that it will last because you worked… Let's get the rest part right... Everybody, return your pens to their rightful owners. Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Due to our congregation's lack of ability to count the Omer, the rabbi decreed a jubilee year. He didn't trust that Jewish people could truthfully count fifty years correctly. So, he decided to do the Yovel year now, and not take a chance at messing it up. Being that we're not in Israel, he wasn't worried about having to run the idea by other rabbis. He commanded everybody to take a break from work. But they still had to pay their dues. The shul must be worked, even during Shmitah. The rabbi ended up taking a sabbatical. He felt his speech made him worthy of one. I was at the board meeting. If you take a Sabbatical in Israel and don't work the land, you're blessed. In the shul, they’ll try to fire you and get a new rabbi. The rabbi's idea of a Sabbatical year for the congregation backfired. People were resting too much. They stopped coming to Minyin. They claimed that Gd would do it for them. They quoted the Parsha and talked of letting the land rest on the seventh year and the 50th year, so it will last. 'H' will make the shul blessed if we don't come.' The congregants really took to the rabbi's teaching of 'stop.' I think that is all they heard. It was very dramatic. Rabbi Mendelchem held that 'stop' for a while. It was very meaningful, how he held it. Just stood there and stopped himself. It was around a one minute pause. It felt like a moment of silence, but we weren't showing our respects for anybody. After that, most of the congregants dozed off. Most of the congregants stopped everything. They didn't even finish davening. They relaxed and rested. Many brought out lawn chairs to the front yards. They stopped working the land. Neighbors complained about Jewish lawns. After three weeks, the town council said they had to mow them. The rabbi agreed when it was decided that Topeka is not in Israel. The rabbi’s argument about the rained out BBQ did not pass with Mayor Dudley. He decided to offer the shul a tent for the grill. The rabbi started a new campaign where people had to return all pens to companies. His decree was based on the idea that companies ordered 5,000 pens with their names on them because customers were stealing them. The company names are on them so that people would know whose they are and who to return them to. He also made the kids in grade school bring their own pens. He told the children that they are pencil thieves. Not borrowers. As he claimed- nobody who has ever borrowed a pen in class, returned it. He explained that this is the reason all standardized tests are administered with a number 2 pencil. To quote, ‘The first one was stolen.’ The rabbi ended up pulling out a Kohl's return receipt with six staples and explained how you can't return everything. If you wore the clothes, you can't return them. If it wasn't stealing a pen or working the land, or giving land back to the families in the jubilee year, returning was not pertinent. The rabbi explained that not all were jubilant in the jubilee year. Those who paid full price on the homes were not very happy. The no overbaking cakes campaign worked. The sisterhood started serving fruit salads at Kiddish. He turned all into a jubilee. All seats were returned to their rightful families. All names on the seats were of people who passed away. Only the Schwartz family still lived in town. All other people just lost their seats. The congregants all had to stand for Davening the next couple weeks. The fight went on and people said they deserved seats, as they paid for them. The rabbi had all the seats removed and shipped to family members wherever they lived, as an inheritance for the shul’s new jubilee. The shul ended up using the building fund money to purchase new chairs for the congregants who paid dues and returned pens. The rabbi was right. They all stole pens. Max had a pen he took from Kara in grade school. It was 85 years ago and the ink had dried out. It was a beautiful moment at the cemetery when Max was able to put that pen on her tombstone. He then put a rock on her grave to hold it down. The shul now has a designated Omer counter. He goes around blowing the Shofar every night, making sure people counted while he scares the children. The Yovel jubilee theme of not working the land and blowing the Shofar has gotten the rabbi in trouble with the town council. Now the Omer counter has to be invited into houses to blow the Shofar. He didn't make it past the Goldman's house that Tuesday. Shlomo Goldman got him caught up in a conversation about politics and cousin they found out they shared. Now Shlomo has to show up to shul, as he's the only one still counting. Nobody went back to that garage. We lost that member. The rabbi could've just said 'Stop!!!' That was the message of the sermon. It said everything. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel has been opening up, but mass public gatherings are still not happening around the world. So how can we celebrate Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, you ask? We celebrate together, away from each other.
Here are some traditions of my home town of Jerusalem and some ways you can celebrate Yom Yerushalayim either at home in Israel or at home in the Diaspora. Sing Songs About Jerusalem “Jerusalem of Gold” is a classic Hebrew song, written in 1967. Singing songs you don’t understand is a great way to celebrate Jerusalem. Singing in your not native tongue is a beautiful Jewish tradition, as it makes it more meaningful when you don't understand the words. It feels like shul. For even more meaning, write your own song about Jerusalem. Don’t be scared. None of the two-thousand guitar carrying people I’ve met in Jerusalem, have shied away from this. It’s not complicated. I will teach you the secrets. Play any chord on the guitar and say “Jerusalem.” Any chord is fine, as long as you repeat the word "Jerusalem." Other words that can be added are “peace,” “gold,” and “city of.” How you organize those words is up to you. “Flowing with” also works, even though it’s hard to find something that rhymes with “flowing," and it's hard to find a body of water in Jerusalem. As any decent folk singer would, make sure that you enunciate the word “Jerusalem” correctly, with an emphasis on “lem”; otherwise, your song will not touch the heart. Kotel Services in Your Home Pray with a lot of noise in the background. That will help you feel like you’re at the Kotel with its 100 simultaneous Minyanim. As you may have seen, at the Kotel, they're taking the social distancing very seriously, with closed off areas. The new quarantined areas have been set up so that people in groups of a hundred are six feet away from other groups of a hundred people. Israeli Dancing Socially Distanced This makes for much less injury during the Hora. The arm raise section can be quite dangerous. Countless times I have been hit by long armed people at four feet, with happy intention at Bar Mitzvahs. Six feet is the key. This is also a more religious way of doing Israeli dancing amongst men and women. Jerusalem Stone There is nothing more meaningful than walking the sidewalks of Jerusalem, made of its own stone. A feeling of holiness that cannot be duplicated without slippery floors. To bring this Jerusalem neighborhood feeling to your home, find any decently tiled kitchen, pour water on it and walk in your socks. If you get severely hurt, that is on you. I am covering myself legally here. I would also not suggest you drink OxiClean for health. Army Bases Visiting army bases and bunkers that were active during the Six Day War is a beautiful way to spend the holiday. In quarantine, you can relive the bunker experience in your basement with live streaming and Amazon Prime. FroYo Translated into English, this means ground up fruits and sweets in ice cream. You can celebrate this Jerusalem favorite, frozen yogurt that tastes good, by going to a decent frozen custard style dessert establishment, such as Carvel. Putting on weight is the root of all holiday traditions. This holiday, you can finally enjoy yourself knowing you will get heavy. I would suggest falafel, but all of you in the Diaspora already making it. In Israel, falafel is not a celebratory food. It's something you eat in the middle of a hard day, where somebody is underpaying you, when you have no time to eat. But, when you're in America, it's a delicacy. That's what happens when they call it a falafel sandwich and charge $10. See the Dead Sea products you bought for other staff that is of elegance and value because you paid way too much. Parade with Cars Probably no walking parades this year waving flags. Instead, lineup cars throughout your city. Built up traffic is a great way to celebrate and get people mad. Be sure to beep your horn. That will add to the festive experience, also bringing the downtown Jerusalem experience of waiting at a red and getting beeped for not moving. The best part of beeping outside of Israel is that you can bring the anti-Semitic tradition of beeping at Jews to your festival, yourself. And this year, hang a real flag out your car. The mini flags are pathetic. If you’re going to have something flying off your car when you open your window by accident, it might as well be something big. If you’re going to litter, do it right. Protest No Jerusalem Day event would be replete without a protest. You can’t socially distance a parade, but you can socially distance a protest. You do this by treating people as protesters, having them stand off to the side of the road. If we can’t walk together, we can at least successfully protest together. If you’re not in Israel during these times, you can stand by the curb and yell at cars passing. Words like “shame,” “why are you walking?!” and "Jew" added to any sentence, can bring the full Diaspora Yom Yerushalayim experience to your town. Descend Upon the Street in Song If singing songs of peace causes shouts of “oppression,” you’re celebrating right. I just caution you to be careful. Jews singing “Jerusalem of Gold” can easily be misconstrued as political tyranny. Vote It’s going to happen again, soon. I believe we celebrated last Yom Yerushalayim with elections. I am not sure if this is a Yom Yerushalayim tradition yet. It might be a new way of celebrating the monthly moon of our lunar calendar. Buy a Jerusalem Product I just bought one last Yom Yerushalayim in the shuk. It said “made in China.” I’m sure you can join in supporting Jerusalem’s unity by purchasing a couple of these products on eBay. They send to Israel as well. It may take some time to ship the flags and Menorahs from Shanghai. This makes for a good chance to celebrate Yom Yerushalayim Sheni (second), allowing you to commemorate properly, with Jewish artifacts from China. Mifletzet In Israel, parents have a tradition of taking their children to see this every Yom Yerushalayim, as we are sure Mitushelach would’ve enjoyed going down this slide. It’s a shame he didn’t live long enough. Known in English as “The Monster,” this is the famous slide of Jerusalem. That’s what kids get when their city has no amusement park. A slide that gives them nightmares. A three tongued monster that allows you to slide of its mouth. For Yom Yerushalayim, be sure to scare your children with fun activities. I’m not suggesting to reenact the Six Day War. Bring them games they’re afraid to play. The new Armistice Line game I created, where you have to balance yourself on a beam and get pelted if you fall off the wrong side, will definitely bring them a sense of connection. It’s kind of like freeze tag, but played with people that genuinely hate you. You can even take the Jerusalem lion and chase the children around the house with it. Even scarier, take them to the Mifletzet. I can’t tell you how many people who grew up in Jerusalem that told me, “I haven’t been to the Mifletzet since I was five.” Why? Because they got scared. If you really want to share in the Jerusalem experience this Yom Yerushalayim, go to any store that doesn’t mark prices on their products, where the staff is yelling, and you will feel like you’re at the shuk. I truly hope that you now feel more connected to Jerusalem. Come visit us soon. We look forward to yelling at you again. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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What did the people of Sedom learn? Gomorrah. You get it? Sedom and Gomorroah. Gemara is what we learn. Gomorrah was wicked with Shechem. They wouldn’t have been wicked if they learned Gemara. This pun doesn’t work in Hebrew, as it’s Amorah. Amorahs are rabbis who wrote the Gemara. A very confusing pun. Sometimes, you have to leave the people not understanding what the point of the pun is. If you don't ask, it's free. They wanted 24nis for a kilo of eggplant. I took it and didn't even have to pay. I've never been so happy shopping at the Shuk. I feel like I got a great deal… With this new shopping technique, I feel like I will save a lot of money.
Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.
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5/28/2021
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