Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.

This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.

How was the hotel?
Expensive.

How did you afford it?
I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now.

How much was it?
Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace.

How was the hotel?
It wasn't our home. That was good.

Did you do anything on vacation?
We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home.

You hate your home that much?
When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital.

How's your wife doing now?
She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery.

What else did you do at the resort?
I ate.

Did they have other activities?
Yeah. A buffet.

You seem a lot bigger.
Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand.

What did you eat?
Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way.

Sounds like you were on a mission.
I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries.

Your kids also got bigger.
I made them eat lamb chops.

Breakfast?
Lamb chops.
One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too.

How were the Seders?
The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice.

How about yours?
Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs.

But yours... Your Seder?
We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud.
We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet.
They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat.

Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach?
We won't stay home.

What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel?
Another mortgage. We're up to three now.

What are the three mortgages for?
Pesach hotels.

Anything else?
No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean.

Was it a nice hotel at least?
It was a motel.

Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel?
They cleaned it

Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel?
It was forty-five thousand dollars.

Conclusion
People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep.
As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood.
Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him.
Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon.

Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul.
 
The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound.
A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it.
 
Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting.
 
Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah.
 
All complaints may be directed to the shul president.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night.

(Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people
You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again...
All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either...

'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night...
Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean.
Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night.
Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame...

Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance...

The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition.
The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot.
Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least.

Nobody showed up to clean the shul.
The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.'
 
Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there.
Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva.
The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half.

Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night.
 
People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.'

The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars.
 
Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do.
 
People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes.
It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz.

Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...

I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise.
I had to pay $3 for Coke.
Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed.
People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house.
My cousins came and didn't help us clean.
I started worrying about starving.
I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying.
I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids.
My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help.
I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.'
We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to.
A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food.
I shot the guy.
I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars.
I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds.
I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it.
I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year.
My house was finally a bit clean.
I still wasn't able to find anything.
We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy.
Everybody was fighting.
Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach.
I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat.
I questioned how the cost of meat went up.
I told the kids they have to clean the windows.
My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach.
I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning.
I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach.
I was happy the windows finally got cleaned.
I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody.
My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions.
I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder.
I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son.
During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions.
The kids started running around the house with their food.
I threw out my laptop, just in case.
My husband didn't help.
I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house.
When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder.
My fingers were full of cuts.
I learned cleaning is dangerous.
I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am.
I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach.
I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days.
I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach.
And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us.

It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?

Put Bread Around the House
Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find.
If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni.
Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous.

Watch The Ten Commandments
The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush.
After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more.

Kasher Everything
You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood).
After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover.

Yell at the Kids
Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing.

Cover Everything
You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids.  Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes.
You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish.
During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned.

Don't Sleep
There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic.

Burn Eggs and Chicken
Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it.

Did you Purchase Everything?
You're not worrying enough.
Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week.
Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people  that enjoy coconut pastries.

Go Back To The Supermarket
You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket.
Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room.

Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise.
And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared.

Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids.

The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb.
 
Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse.
 
I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai)
You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there.

To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money.
 
They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives.

What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.

A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear. 
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' 

The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.'  The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool.
Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question.
'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof.

They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors.
The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people.
Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.'

The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater.
Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals.

They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm.
'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it.
Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.'
Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.'

They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray.  
Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year.
The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it.
Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued.

And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach.
'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens.
After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song.

After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat.

Epilogue
The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school.

The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. 
It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack.
Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore.

What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray.

The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil.
It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. 

The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused.

Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt.

The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.)
Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb.
This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began.
They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. 

On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night.

For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves.
After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions.
The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?'
Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions.

When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools.
Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. 
Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on.

So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. 
None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions.
Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea

The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job.
To punish the teachers  for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions.
And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt.

The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.

Blood
Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet.
You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. 
I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice.

Frogs
Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. 
Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two.

Lice
If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends.

Wild Animals or Flies
If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself.
Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined.
Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined.

Livestock Pestilence
Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast.

Boils
Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink.
Those things are embarrassing. 
They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing.

Hail
I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. 
Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for.

Locusts
They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ.
They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment.

Darkness
You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights.
Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils.

Killing of The Firstborn
This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. 

I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. 
Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

​We just retired the first seat in shul. Michel deserved it. Would’ve hung his Tallis in the rafters, but everybody in the shul is scared of heights.
Now everybody wants to be honored. The shul is now planning an awards ceremony. The problem is that an awards ceremony needs awards. The Best Kugel Award is the most I can hope for. I’ve never gotten an award. I think I should quit.
 
We started a new Chesed project where we do everything kind. We don’t do much of it, but we do it all. We collect money. We shop for people. We visit the sick. We told the school in the area that we'll help with the kids after school. I think the teachers are scared they'll get a bad reputation if the kids come to our after school program and start talking. We even started a thing where we help old people cross the street. I believe that has turned into an offensive campaign, where people started yelling at us for accusing them of being old and decrepit. Many people have yelled police and hit our volunteers, as they thought we were trying to steal their purses.  
We even took up a new ‘care for orphans’ program. It’s a good program. Nobody thought to take any of them in. The sisterhood feels like adopting one would kill the program.
I saw the list of orphans in our community. The orphans each have their own card. The center shows them to you like that. They feel that people like baseball cards, and the kids will be seen as more valuable if they look like The Babe. Pictures of the toddlers with bats is very cute. It gets the money hungry potential parents thinking that they could make some good return on investment in the future. I think that’s wrong, but they’re trying to do good for the kids. The cards are numbered. I wanted to get some so my grandkids could make a set. One kid that I felt bad for never got picked up. The social worker said she wasn’t draftable.
It would be nice if we donated the money somewhere. We've collected it though. It's nice to have money. 

Rabbi asked his kids to share what they shared at the Friday night dinner before we started reading the Torah. That was very painful. It was like an extra three speeches. They also give long sermons like their dad. I would’ve been happier if they didn’t learn anything at school. Seeing the kids reading off their notes from Morah Felicia was very painful.
 
Israelis in the community has me questioning. A lot of Israelis are moving from Israel. It's a new wave of Jews moving from the Holy Land. There must be a new youth movement in Israel spreading the ideals of Yiridah. I've asked and none of them support the Beitar youth movement.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
Shabbat Shalom
 
To sum up the plagues a bissel, the Egyptians are not happy. Nobody likes frogs jumping everywhere… I know Michael likes frogs. He collects them. If they were jumping all over the house. It’s an irritant... Try eating Cornflakes with frogs jumping around... I feel like the back left of the shul is an irritant. A plague… If frogs were jumping in the back left, it would be less of a distraction during the Torah reading... You are all very loud!
In last week's parsha, we see that Moses gives over H's message. 'If you refuse to let the Jews go, and you keep holding onto them... the hand of H' will come to your livestock.' I know we have a lot of farmers here. What's my retirement package looking like? That’s the question… People like snow. Hail is different, Yossi… The hail with fire. You like that? You want fireballs landing on your house? Little comets shooting fire with frogs jumping all over your bed? Then listen to H’… Simcha. You had a fit when your car got a ding from the ice storm last year…
I don't know why H' doesn't kill the firstborns first. Sometimes, I get the feeling like the older people are the ones causing problems... H' is building up the drama…
 
Yes. I'm giving the story over again, this year. It’s my duty. (10:1-2) H’ brings the plagues as signs, ‘in order that you will tell your children and children’s children…’ Not just grandkids. But it’s also grandkids grandkids. You should be telling everybody. Like the joke you've told us all about the rabbi and the imam, Hymie... You repeat it all the time... Exactly. Because you forget that you told us... You have to repeat and let everybody know.
There's a reason our Beis Kenesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Sunday School spends half year on the 'Let My People Go'... It's not just a song, Rachel... It’s our duty, Bernie!!! Pesach. Do we not do Pesach now?!... Yes. This speech is a Seder... It takes a while to teach the songs. Now, we have to show The Ten Commandments and Prince of Egypt too... Beautiful songs in that film. We play them all the time... We want the kids to look good at the Pesach Concert this year. 
Now. Let us learn the lessons of Paroh. It’s like running another Seder here… Got to deal with all these questions… Read something. Look it up in a dictionary. Open up a Torah. Even Sadie doesn’t read anymore. All questions…
 
Paroh is afraid to let the Jews go. He is afraid to let go...
As we've noticed in our community with the leader of the Federation of Monies taken for Our Organization We Never See... A tight hold onto anything makes it hard. It makes it hard on the people. It makes it hard on our shul's renovations... 
Paroh is a hoarder. Parohs have always been known to be hoarders. With the hoarding of all the food before the famine. That is how the Jews ended up in Egypt... Hoarding is how the Jews ended up in Mitzrayim. The hoarding in this community… We have fifteen hundred Siddurs piled up in the lobby. All ripped… I'm saying to bury them. Let our Siddurs go. Show respect… Then fix them, Bernie. It’s a pile… It’s a Siddur obstacle course. Tripping over Siddurs is not respectful… If we do it right, it's respectful and it praises H.' Letting go is a praise. It shows trust… This is why Chanan isn't married. He doesn't let go. He holds onto the girls. You're choking them with your helicopter dating.
I'm not saying to throw out the new siddurs... Keep some of the old ones. They're beautiful. Each family should have one... OK. Keep some of the old ones. Look to the right side of the congregation. Old is beautiful.
 
Sometimes you have to let go. You only have so much room in this world… It’s shameful how you protested retiring Michel’s seat. Shameful… Letting something be known that it was great is honoring. It’s respectful. We have to let that seat go and retire it… If it’s with H’ and you’re doing a Mitzvah, it shows respect… No. Disgusting. Siddur tossing is disgusting. We do Shaimos. We bury the Siddurs.
Paroh doesn’t let the people go, and thus he loses his livestock… If you don't want to lose your cattle, stop hoarding and give me a raise.

They don't get rid of the Jews. They lose their livestock. The money of their past. All that accumulated wealth they held onto. Our Tzadik, Michel, never held onto livestock…
 
Hakol Bidei Shamaim. 'All is in the hands of Gd.' That is the religious belief, and the belief of most of our congregation... Yes. Menachem. People who don't believe that, work.... They have jobs. They pay dues.
We need to find a solid base for our beliefs Menachem. I think people in this congregation are using Hakol Bidei Shamaim too much. When they messed up the ark, it was in Gd's hands. When they didn't adopt any orphans, that was Gd's fault. Not visiting the sick. Leave that up to H'. Why do we have the Chesed Project of acts of loving kindness, when you all expect H' to do it?... Then pray. Pray that H' will help them and relax... 'In the hands of Gd' is about partnering with Him. It's about being able to let go for the future... Exactly. Your a Paroh because you don't believe and can't let go.

It is then, that we come to this week's Parsha... Yes. The Dvar Torah is starting here... My kids talked before Torah reading. That's not part of the speech. The other stuff was a preamble... My contract says no more than thirty minutes. That's of the Dvar Torah. The sermon can't be more than thirty minutes. The preamble isn't part of the sermon...

Why can’t Paroh let go?
H' says, (Shemot 10:1) 'For I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants…' H’ hardened Paroh’s heart and that of his servants. Paroh became mean, and he had the support, like the people who can't retire Michel's seat… Michel's a Tzadik. Should I explain Tzadik to you? One who shows up on time for shul. One who gives to the needy, visits the sick, honors their parents... Honoring somebody who donated a lot of money doesn't count... Not adopting makes you worse than Paroh... At least he took in Moshe. He didn't say Hakol Bidei Shamaim...
H' hardened his heart. It was hard... Like a rock. Yes.
When you do bad, you harden your heart and becomes hardened... He didn’t learn from the past. The no hamburgers at the baseball game fiasco. Hotdogs are not enough!!! People are enslaved to them... He made the decision to keep it bad for the Jews, like the board. Now. He has a hardened heart... Somebody with a hardened heart doesn't serve hamburgers.
I see Michel’s seat and it makes me happy. He deserved for it to be retired. It unhardens my heart. I see the good… Paroh couldn’t see good. Kind of like Bernie. I can’t see any good in Bernie…
We have to hoard the good... Keep it with us. But it doesn't have to take up half the shul. It’s an obstacle course with the Siddurs thrown out like that. You’ve got to treat them with respect. Unharden your heart for the Siddurs. Pray with an open heart...
 
You didn't listen till now. Your heart has been hardened. Your family is gone. When you got in all those family scuffles... We saw them at Kiddush. 'Eat the herring Shloimy... we're not having lunch at home.' It is no wonder your family left you Pinny. Pinny, the whole community hated you. They stopped serving whiskey at kiddush because you noticed it was free. Now they have to serve the plastic bottle stuff...
We saw you in the parking lot. Your kid didn't want to go to the Bar Mitzvah. I think we are all sick of hearing the same Shweky song again. Played but not Shweky. But Pinny, you hold onto that Rachem song... You embarrass your kids and you make do stuff they don't want to... Then let him run barefoot. Just stop yelling at Kiddish. Yelling at Kiddish and forcing little kids to eat herring, hardens the heart...
Stop trying to control. Your control is a plague... Herring is a plague to a third grader.
 
Even when H' is in control, we don't see it, for our hearts are still hardened. Like a puppet who has no control over her actions. She cannot bend the arm, unless bent for her. However, if we give up and understand H' is in control, we can then bend our own arms and create a new life, of joy and care, and a willingness to create new. Like a puppet who has a good master... 
'Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings. Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams'... Yes. I'm quoting Metallica... If your dreams are good, the master is good. You won't have a hardened heart, like Bernie...
We'll have that soft heart, which Pinny doesn't have. The soft heart of a man with a family. And a woman, unlike Pinny's wife, who doesn't bring her man to take down the whole bottle of the shul's Balvenie... A hardened heart with no shame. Because she never let him go out with the guys...
 
And what happens? (Shemot 10:7) After all of this warning and the first plagues, and being told that locusts will come, Paroh’s servants have a change of heart. ‘Paroh’s servants said to him, “Until when are you going to be a snare to us? Send out the people that they can serve H’ their Gd. Do you not know that Egypt is lost?”' The servants know H’ already. Even they have seen H’ greatness. It’s hard to see that in this shul... Why don't you trust your rabbi? Rivka sees the goodness of her rabbi. She has a soft heart. She gives kids Stella D'oros at Kiddish...
Paroh can’t change. He has become blinded by his hatred of Jews... Yes. I am getting there... He can’t even see that Egypt is lost. I saw when this shul lost the choolnate competition. I didn’t want to, but I saw when this shul needed to stop serving alcohol at Kiddish. Thank you Pinny… Yes. I see the hoarding going on with the Siddurs and people depending on Gd to visit the sick... Ms. Frankowitz is not Avraham our father...
 
(Shemot 10:3-6) Paroh gets the warning of locusts now. He gets H’s word from Moshe and Aaron. Does it mean anything? No. At this point, he can care less if the children of Egypt are forced to eat herring... 
Paroh doesn't have the heart anymore to see the importance of community. Of children. Of Women.
(Shemot 10:9) Moshe said, ‘With our youth and with our elders we will go, with our sons and with our daughters, with our flocks and with our cattle we will go, for it is a festival of the Lord to us.’ But Paroh doesn’t allow this. He doesn’t understand the concept of community. The concept of not getting drunk in front of little kids.
 
‘Bo. Come for Shabbat lunch.’ Mark and Shani never hear that… You don’t remember because you’re too drunk to remember.
An invite for Shabbat lunch is what Tzadiks do. They also visit the sick… Mark was sick. Nobody cared… If you want to get your Tallis in the rafters, invitations can get you there. If you invite them, you’ll get their vote. You'll be a Tzadik in their minds… Adopting can get you vote as well. If you don't try to cash in when the kid becomes an athlete, you might get Tzadik status...
 
We have retired a Tzadik’s seat this past week. We have also given out the shul awards… No trophies. It was word of mouth awards. Frank was honored the least likely to understand his prayers. Bernie was the one who interrupts the rabbi the most. Sadie was awarded head of the sisterhood, though she is not the president… You shouldn’t hate her for being better than you, Sarit... You just moved here, Sarit. Your family will be awarded, maybe even get a dinner in your honor, when you know more people. The shul needs money from honorees... Don't let the members of this shul harden your heart...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
The way he honored Michel was beautiful. Now, everybody else thinks their parents weren’t Tzadiks. Finally. They finally know it.
 
The speech felt like a second Pesach Seder. It was long.
The rabbi even started a game of H' Says. He said that is more Jewish than Simon Says, as there are only three Jews he knows, named Simon. People were very into the game, especially the devout members. They didn't want any other sins on their plate. 'If Gd says to do it, you do it.' That's what Rachel told me, even though she hasn't visited one sick person, and I can't remember the last time she gave Tzedakah.
H' says took a good twenty minutes, but the rabbi said it wasn't part of the sermon. Even so, he definitely linked it to the Parsha, telling people that H' says to kill the firstborn. Some people wanted to win real bad. The firstborns ran out of shul. 

The rabbi brought ‘Hoarders’ to the shul for the Siddurs. They ended up going to the houses of the congregants. The amount of stuff they’ve stolen from the shul. The old ark cover was in the Mitzkowitz house. The havdalah candle we've been looking for, at the Cohens. The handkerchief for holding the parchment, Saul was blowing his nose in it.
I made it a point to not watch that episode of 'Hoarders.' Now they have another things to blame Jews for. As if having good jobs in Topeka isn't enough. Now they're going to say we're hoarding them. If I can't store it in my home and have it take up space that I need, it's not hoarding.

Whatever the rabbi said, many of the farmers stopped hoarding. Their barns were finally able to be used for a shul farmers market and dance we've been planning. Yankel, the little kid who's now our singer, did a great job performing on hay. It was good to be able to say 'Yankel,' as being in a barn didn't feel Jewish.
The farmers in the shul are very proud of their livestock. We had a cattle competition at the shul fair. Of course, the Mitzkowitzs brought their pigs. They’ve always been sinners.
 
People said the rabbi saying ‘hail with fire. You want that?’ was religious coercion. It got a cross the message to do Mitzvot. I think he got across that point real well. I think it was a good way to get across the message of how hardened the heart of the congregants is. 
All I know is they started doing Mitzvot, and they started playing H' Says with more fervor. 
 
Pinny's kids hate Kiddish. They hate having the weekends with their dad. Nobody likes the herring. It's about time they started serving schmaltz herring. People like that.
Going to plastic whiskey bottles was the best move in recent years. The real drinkers are staying away from the whiskey. They don't drink it if it's not in a glass bottle. The shul has saved a lot of money. Pinny is still getting drunk, but we're saving on the bottle material. He also has a harder time pouring the two liter bottle once he's tipsy. He just gives up and falls down near the Kiddish bar; his size and length, and the inability of the others to step over him, saves us money on extra shots.

The discussion was had to retire seats based on the Yom Kippur name tags on the back of the seats. As Phil said, 'Those seats have been retired for years. Those people never show up.'
Years ago, the shul stopped branding the names on the seats themselves, as they realized how quickly the lifetime members stopped paying their yearly dues.
The board made it clear that there is no more lifetime membership. They want most of the congregants out after three years. They want the choice as to whether or not they have to spend Kiddish with them.

Should lifetime members have their seat retired? That’s a good question. We need rules for retiring seats. If you led the sisterhood and didn't get in any fights, your seat gets retired. If you're under Bar Mitzvah age and don't run around the shul, because your parents don't watch you, your seat gets retired. If you hate the Chazin too, the rabbi said your seat gets retired.
Tallises are not making it up to the rafters. Our men are scared of heights and we’ve got to get better with our hands. The shul has too many people who are scared to do renovations. They end up calling handymen. Not craftsmen. Handymen. There is not one Jewish handyman in all of Topeka. Jewish men are not handy. I don’t even know if any of them have hands.
They say they have hands. If they do have hands, they don't use them. I think that's why they lick their fingers to turn the page. 
 
It turns out that to be honored, you have to know people. You need to be somebody that people will pay for. Social climbing is back at the shul. People want to be friends with Himlowitzs.

Maybe there's a plague in Israel. Maybe that's why so many have left Israel and come to our community. I know that my nephews and nieces in Israel read Dvar Torahs at the Shabbat table. Hearing their school notes being read is very painful. If they didn't read it, that would be less of a punishment.
I did hear about them quarantining over in Israel. Maybe there is a plague.
 
The rabbi told the school that teachers can’t give Shabbat notes anymore, as they are painful to the whole congregation.
The rabbi got a lot of complaints from the congregants after his kids spoke. It was hard, as each one of them tried to tell him that it wasn’t his kids, but the notes. He wants his son to be a childhood preacher. He now knows that won't happen if he reads Morah Kimmy's notes.

The money we've collected for the Chesed project still hasn't been allotted. They're saving it to do Chesed. Nobody in the congregation wants to help other people yet. I hope we can give it to the Jewish orphan center. I think they need to make a new 2022 collectibles series, to keep interest in their brand. 

We count 49 days from Pesach to Shavuot. Yet, every year, I mess up the counting.
Known as the Omer, counting, or Sefira, or Sefirat HaOmer, these 49 days are the greatest challenge of the Jewish people. Counting is not usually hard, but when you are required to do it, it's almost impossible.
Many feel alone and embarrassed when they forget to count the Omer. They have to tap out and see their countless friends walking with pride on the fifth day of the Omer. Your friends are still counting and gloating their achievement by saying the blessing in your face, and forcing you to say 'Amen' to your failure. None of you should feel alone.
Out of the millions that keep to this commandment, around 20 make it through to the end. I work in statistics, and the Jewish people is a large enough sample size to realize that I am not the only one who messes this commandment up.
Here are reasons I forget to count the Omer, and you do too:
 
72 Reasons I Forgot to Count the Omer
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I had to wait a whole day to get to the next number. I said ‘35’ and then somewhere, within those 24 hours, I forgot that the next day was number 36.
I saw a horse.
I had to put up the leftover lasagna in the microwave.
My sister asked me to watch her kids.
I was learning Torah.
Tax season. There were numbers involved with that too.
I went to sleep late.
I went to sleep early.
I went to sleep on time.
It was the third day of the Omer. I forgot to count the first two. You can’t decide to start counting on the third day.
Television.
The internet. I was trying to figure out if the padlock sign was really locked.
I asked somebody the day, they said what yesterday was. I got confused and that was it.
I missed Minyan. Not showing up to pray with other people, I learned that I cannot depend on myself.
I don’t look at my calendar. I miss a lot of meetings too. I should look at my calendar and be more dependable.
I asked somebody what day of the Omer it was. I was supposed to ask what day it was yesterday. I am such an idiot. I’ve got to learn how to ask questions.
I didn’t remember the day that was before. I said it, but I couldn’t remember.
Somebody asked me the day and I said it.
The second night of Pesach, after the seder, I said I was going to count. Then came the fourth cup of wine.
TV.
My upstairs neighbors were moving something. They did not lift their couch. Instead, they dragged it. So, I forgot.
I had school the next day.
I had to do homework.
A movie. I don’t even remember the movie. I just remember that it shifted my focus for long enough for me to forget to count.
I can’t focus for five minutes. I am going to have a hard time focusing for forty-nine days.
I don’t know if it is ADHD. I have a shorter attention span than that.
I went for a walk.
I was thinking.
I was thinking about the Omer.
I wasn’t thinking.
I think it was April 15th.
Left shul right after Maariv; just ran out, because we had to put the kids to sleep.
‘100 bottles of beer on the wall.’ I get lost at around 86. My attention doesn’t last that long.
When I go to sleep, I can count sheep up to fifteen. Then, I have to question if I truly got to fifteen, or if I skipped thirteen. Sefira, I mess up.
I forgot my niece’s birthday. It was a day.
I couldn’t find my other sock. So, I forgot.
I was on vacation.
It’s not something I get to decide on. It’s a requirement, and it is said at shul every night. And it’s something that is listed all over the internet and on every Jewish calendar, and on every Jewish handout and bulletin. Thus, I forget.
My niece’s piano recital.
Security at the supermarket.
I was on a flight and the pilot did not mention the day of the Omer, along with the altitude.
I remembered to count. And then, I forgot.
Dinner.
I didn’t know I was going to be asked to lead the Maariv service. If I would’ve known, I would’ve made sure to remember to count. I looked like a fool, who couldn’t say the Bracha.
There were no English subtitles on the Hebrew TV channel.
I had a cold.
I was at a baseball game.
I was never good at math. I always had to use popsicle sticks to count. I still had a hard time counting with popsicle sticks, as I was always trying to find the ices.
I was never good at English.
I was never good at social studies. That class confused me, because I thought it was history.
I don’t have decent reading comprehension skills.
I got into Yeshiva University because it is a Jewish school and they accept Jews.
I am bad at anything that has to do with school. Counting is one of them.
The TV was off. Somehow, that changed my focus.
I was online. I started reading news feeds and stuff my friends posted. Their posts made very little sense, but it kept me occupied for a very long time.
Got a call to help out in the house. Had to take it. Forgot the Omer, and got home late.
I have a chart in my kitchen, on the fridge, and near my bed. Still forgot.
The first night of the Omer counting is the second night Passover Seder in America. Nobody said anything after the Pesach Seder. I didn’t drink much at that Seder.
In Israel, there is no Seder on the second night. I forgot to count the first night.
A movie was on. It was very intriguing. I also do not remember what this one was about.
It was August.
My silent prayer took too long at Shul. And then, when I finished, everybody was already past the blessing for the Omer.
It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot.
I was reading an excellent article.
A fly was in my apartment.
Nobody reminded me to count. That was their fault.
I went to sleep.
I got up.
I thought about why I am counting. I still have no idea what the Omer is. I have no idea what I am counting. Yet, I count and it’s meaningful.  

​Now you know you're not alone. There are many other Jews that are also not doing a good job of keeping the Mitzvot. I hope that makes you feel better.
I don’t think I've ever made it the whole way through the full 49 days of counting. If nothing goes wrong this year, if I stare at the calendar, don’t talk to anybody and I don’t fall asleep, I think I can make it through the full Omer count. 

I have the same questions every year. Feel free to ask them at the Seder, and interrupt the Mah Nishtana like I do.

Why are we not eating?
Why is the Dvar Torah (Torah commentary) going on? Doesn’t the Haggadah have a lot of these already? Why are we listening to Mike’s thoughts? The rabbis have been discussing this for two thousand years…?
Why are we not eating?
Why is my shirt stained?
Why am I sitting at the kids’ table?
I am 30 years old and single, I get it. Why am I sitting at the kids' table?
Why is he still talking and why has he not finished the Dvar Torah?
Why are we not eating? 
Why is it that every time you try to kasher the house you start a fire?
Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?
Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?
Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing the simple song, 'Mah Nitshtana'?
Why does this little kid not read Hebrew?
​Is Charoset really mortar? It doesn’t seem to work as a strong adhesive, or dry very hard.
Charoset stains too?
Why is there a toy in the middle of the floor?
If this Charoset is mortar, can that be the reason why most pyramids are not there anymore?
Is this another one of those schemes?
Why does Charoset stain too?
Why is my three year old nephew still awake?
Why do we not answer any of these questions?
Why are we not eating?
What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice?
Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes?
You burnt the neck?!
Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim (dips) on every other night?
Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise?
What is Kitniyot again?
What is a legume?
Why did you translate that Hebrew word into an English word that is harder to understand than the Hebrew?
Are eggplants also a legume? Can you make bread out of eggplants too?
Why are we not eating?
Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?
Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?
Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why are these kids still up?
If we are talking about knocking out the kid’s teeth, why are all these children still running around? Do they not take our threats seriously?
Why did my brother’s wife just tell her child that she has to go into timeout? Is that the alternative to knocking out the teeth?
Why does everybody laugh when we give somebody the ‘wicked son’ to read?
How many more people have something to share about the four sons?
Why is the little one leaning on me?
Do we read about the annoying son?
Can we talk about this child sitting next to me?
Is that the same Dvar Torah?
Why are these kids still up?
Is there anything about annoying parents?
Can you please wake me up when people are finished talking about the four sons?
Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?
Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah?
That just has to stop?!
We have been here for three hours. Are they considered the wicked son? Should we blunt out her teeth?
Did slavery last as long as these Dvrei Torah?
If we got out of slavery, why did we spend two weeks scrubbing the floors of our home, by ourselves?
When are we going to eat?
Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt?
Why did my aunt tell my cousin that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?
Ouch!!! Why did nobody move this Lego car?
Why are all of these random people at our meal? 
They never invited us?
Why is my cousin still yelling?
If she wouldn’t have been freed from Egypt, why did we free her from the table?
Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?
Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail?
Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?
Since when is food coloring considered blood?
Does blood stain like charoset?
My foot still hurts. Why does Lego hurt more than all other toys?
Is it the extra corners and little circles on the Lego?
How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!
What is a kazayit? Before I eat the matzah, I want to know- is it the size of an olive, egg or melon?
Why do I have to stuff the whole thing into my mouth within three seconds? Who came up with that amount of time?
How do you commemorate the death of the first born?
Why is my stomach hurting. I have only eaten half a piece of matzah?
Why did this child, we will call them the annoying child, take soup before me?
The house is not very clean. Did you try to cleaning this place with a feather?
If it is not fit for a dog to eat, it is not considered chametz. Does that mean that we can eat my roommate’s food?
Why is the light in our fridge never on?
Why are we the only family in the community that did not go to a hotel this Passover?
Why is nobody answering any of my questions?
Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Is it in our genes to eat anything within arm’s reach? Can't these people control their eating habits?
Why did Gd not command us that brisket is the only kosher meat there is, when mom never cooks anything else?
Is brisket the only kosher cut of meat?
If Elijah doesn’t drink that cup, can I have it?
Why does my foot still hurt?
I like bread made out of potato starch. If it is enjoyable, can I still eat that on Pesach?
Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed (intermediary days of the holiday)?
Are there other permitted activities for religious children, asides from the zoo?
Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?
Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?
I like the tune of the song ‘Who Knows One,’ but why the pop quiz?
I would have studied if I knew that I needed to know Thirteen. Is there a cheat sheet?
Does anybody know thirteen?
Why did nobody tell me that Matzah stains too?
Why am I sitting at the kids table?
Why are my nephews still yelling?
Why is the three year old still awake?
Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?
18k? Really. Why does this kid not know the 'Mah Nishtana'?