Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat.
Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate.

We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris.
 
Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi.
 
Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there.
 
Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?!

(Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???!
Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated...

Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back...
It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly.
People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day...

Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that.

Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative...

Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder...
Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your...
How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons.
We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo.
You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now.

You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son...

Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz...
Is everybody back.
Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned...
It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah.

How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce...

It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too...
Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time...

If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting...
(Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul.
If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership.

That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark!
It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job...
There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan.

Rivka's Rundown
Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together.

They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?”
After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon.

The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them."

I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder.
I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp.

Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah.

Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran.

The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing.

The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels.
Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved.

The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima.
They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul.
This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety."

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. 
Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions.

Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early.

The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that.

Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin...

(Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards....
There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy...

Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody.
The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens.

You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community...

So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together...
We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism.
I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie.
I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition...

People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition.
People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening...

You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody.
The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast...

Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed...
The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood.

We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder...
You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace....

We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood.
You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it...
This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it.

The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good.
Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned.

The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him.

Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him.
He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing.

The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. 

Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked.
The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown.

Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow.
I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her.
They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life.

I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive.

The goal before Pesach is to get rid of all Chametz. There is a positive commandment to clear your house of Chametz and to worry about it for a good half a year.
Now that we’ve discussed shpritzes as we did last year, it's time to discuss other methods of cleaning and getting rid of Chametz before Pesach. You must shpritz everything. Nonetheless, there are other aspects of cleaning that might work for you. Here are some of them.

The Worry Technique
You should be worrying about cleaning. The is the first step in cleaning. Worry. This includes daily discussions with your spouse about what you're going to do. The focus should be on what has not been done. In conversation form it is, "What are we going to do?!!!!!"
The first thing you need is time. You need to spend at least three months cleaning for Pesach to do it correctly. And you need to worry. Any moment of non-movement should be of concern. You should've started worrying right after Sukkot. That should give you enough time to plan the vacuuming of the living room.
The Overworry Technique is used by many as a hint that you want to go to a hotel for Pesach and sell your home. Even if that means selling your home at pennies on the dollar, at fifteen dollars.

The Eating Technique
This method of cleaning is good for those who don't like throwing stuff out and don't care about weight. Those who understand that no matter how much they take off, Pesach will add forty pounds. And that's from one box of Matzah.
Eating whatever you can, also helps with ridding your home of past due date items. If you're willing to consume cake from 2019, then now is the time to finish off the Green's Babka. Still tastes amazing. The 2006 mandel bread might've come hard, which is confusing when it's still hard and stale twenty years later. No matter how hard it is, that doesn't make it is kosher for Pesach. Even if it has a Matzah-like texture.
This is also a good chance to find some use for the Mishloach Manot. The Purim gift baskets with lemon wafers and poppy seed Hamentashen that your friends baked by accident. Which somehow ended up by you.
We do suggest to not shpritz your pastries with the lemon shpritz, even if it looks tasty with that lemon on the bottle. We cannot vouch for the Kashrut of toxins.
 
The Children Technique
You had children for a reason. Use them. Use the children to mop the floor. This method of cleaning makes it a family experience, and helps save money. It also goes well with grounding due to Pesach preparation anger.
I'm not saying to flip over a child and scrub. Get them to mop the floor for you. This is a good chance to finally get your unhelpful children to clean. At Jewish schools, they will learn about the importance of getting rid of Chametz and feel a religious obligation. Take advantage of this by telling them stuff is Chametz. You can practice now: "The mantel is Chametz, Dust it." "The chair needs a shine, it is Chametz. Shpritz it for Pesach." "Your room is Chametz. Fold your pants and put them in the drawer. And shpritz them for crying out loud."
I grew up thinking that windows had to be cleaned because there might be Chametz on the glass. I never ate off a sliding glass door, but I felt like I was doing a positive commandment by using blue spray on them. I also mowed the lawn a few times, thinking "grass that is shorter is not considered Chametz." I cut the grass and then sprayed it down.
 
Throw Stuff Out Technique
This includes all the art your kids brought back from school this year. Just tell them it's Chametz. I'm trying to help. It will make you all feel better when you get rid of the paper mache. The drawing of the family is Chametz. The fact that your child views you as a stick is enough of a reason to put it in the Chametz pile.
And the macaroni necklace, disgustingly ugly. Business in these Jewish day schools is down when you have to start making fine jewelry out of pasta. If they made macaroon necklaces, that would be beautiful and Kosher for Pesach.
I used this technique right after I got Mishloach Manot from the Schwartzmans. I took the poppy seed Hamentash and threw it in the trash. Right in front of them. And I told them I also make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to throw stuff out. As a Jew, recycling is not your concern. Mitzvahs are your concern. And there is a Mitzvah to use disposable dishware. At least that's one of the Passover commandments.

Right now, the fact that you're reading this and not cleaning should have you worried. If you're not worrying, you're definitely doing something wrong. And that is, not worrying.
Next time we will discuss the final steps of cleaning, which are properly done with a feather. If you're finished cleaning, you should now be worried you didn't clean enough.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny.
 
He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line.
 
The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt.
 
On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah.
 
Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin)
You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah.

We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal)
You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier.
 
The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.)

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.

Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already.

Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office.

To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival.

We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate.
You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word.

Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city.
The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad.

When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting...

I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel.

(Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt...

After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something...

You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei...
It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie.

It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach.
Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot...
The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy...

Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel.

We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul...

Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that.
You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul...

LaAzazel.

You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem.
I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious...

To Azazel Bert.

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel.

I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though.

The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah.
Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. 

Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat.
I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more.
We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later.
The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier.

I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings.
The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad.
It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience.

Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming.
But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish.

Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean.

You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning.
 
Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year.
It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market.
 
The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim.
 
We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you...

We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician...

(Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club...
Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish...
You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel.

Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts.
Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops...

And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying...

OK. I'll take questions...
Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs...

The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on...
I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach...

You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake...
Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves...

You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows.

The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community...
Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you...

What are my sources? The Torah.

Rivka's Rundown
The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year.

Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave.
Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids.

The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism.

They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon.

Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true.
The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’

I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good.
I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them.

The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.'

I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more.
Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude.
What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.'
How these kids are allowed to take all the food...
I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays.

I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical.

I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now.
Martha's Cleaning Service now hates Jews.

This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start.
 
Mah Nishtana
The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars.
They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again.
I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!'
 
Questions That May Come Up During the Seder
Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.'
One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?'
It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah.
 
Slavery
Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket.
Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs.
My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement.
Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew.
 
The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night
A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours.
'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?'
 
Four Sons
The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner.   
Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes.
'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?'
 
Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech
Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica.
Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later.
I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker.
 
Deep Talk of Redemption
Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again.

The Ten plagues
What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?!
To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?'
Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim.
Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth.
Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this.
 
Now We Praise Gd
Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage.
And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off.

Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them.
 
We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching.
 
We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz.
We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt.
 
We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure...
The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara...

What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei?
(Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.'
If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section...
That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup.

(Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure.
White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei.

How do we separate. Separation done properly...
Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis...
You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night.
I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation.

If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise...
Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling.
A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids.

It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder...
Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation.
The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach...
There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool...

We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be.
The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win...
You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about.

And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice...
Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham.
Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.'

The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading.
I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant.
Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint.

The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey.
Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety.

The kids are loud at shul.  I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi.
They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy.

Max does page ruffle too. He's loud.

Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz.

The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried.

In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning.

Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach
Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it.
A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible.
 
Do Not Eat the Sprays
Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine.
Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry.
Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah.
 
Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz
You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles.
You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it.
Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue.
‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches.
 
Strong Sprays for Grease
Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it.
 
Other Uses for Shpritz
If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover.

Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.

This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.

How was the hotel?
Expensive.

How did you afford it?
I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now.

How much was it?
Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace.

How was the hotel?
It wasn't our home. That was good.

Did you do anything on vacation?
We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home.

You hate your home that much?
When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital.

How's your wife doing now?
She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery.

What else did you do at the resort?
I ate.

Did they have other activities?
Yeah. A buffet.

You seem a lot bigger.
Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand.

What did you eat?
Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way.

Sounds like you were on a mission.
I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries.

Your kids also got bigger.
I made them eat lamb chops.

Breakfast?
Lamb chops.
One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too.

How were the Seders?
The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice.

How about yours?
Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs.

But yours... Your Seder?
We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud.
We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet.
They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat.

Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach?
We won't stay home.

What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel?
Another mortgage. We're up to three now.

What are the three mortgages for?
Pesach hotels.

Anything else?
No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean.

Was it a nice hotel at least?
It was a motel.

Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel?
They cleaned it

Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel?
It was forty-five thousand dollars.

Conclusion
People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep.
As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood.
Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him.
Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon.

Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul.
 
The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound.
A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it.
 
Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting.
 
Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah.
 
All complaints may be directed to the shul president.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night.

(Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people
You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again...
All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either...

'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night...
Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean.
Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night.
Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame...

Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance...

The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition.
The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot.
Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least.

Nobody showed up to clean the shul.
The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.'
 
Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there.
Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva.
The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half.

Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night.
 
People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.'

The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars.
 
Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do.
 
People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes.
It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz.

Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...

I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise.
I had to pay $3 for Coke.
Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed.
People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house.
My cousins came and didn't help us clean.
I started worrying about starving.
I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying.
I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids.
My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help.
I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.'
We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to.
A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food.
I shot the guy.
I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars.
I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds.
I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it.
I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year.
My house was finally a bit clean.
I still wasn't able to find anything.
We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy.
Everybody was fighting.
Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach.
I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat.
I questioned how the cost of meat went up.
I told the kids they have to clean the windows.
My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach.
I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning.
I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach.
I was happy the windows finally got cleaned.
I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody.
My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions.
I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder.
I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son.
During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions.
The kids started running around the house with their food.
I threw out my laptop, just in case.
My husband didn't help.
I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house.
When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder.
My fingers were full of cuts.
I learned cleaning is dangerous.
I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am.
I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach.
I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days.
I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach.
And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us.

It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?

Put Bread Around the House
Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find.
If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni.
Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous.

Watch The Ten Commandments
The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush.
After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more.

Kasher Everything
You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood).
After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover.

Yell at the Kids
Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing.

Cover Everything
You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids.  Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes.
You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish.
During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned.

Don't Sleep
There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic.

Burn Eggs and Chicken
Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it.

Did you Purchase Everything?
You're not worrying enough.
Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week.
Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people  that enjoy coconut pastries.

Go Back To The Supermarket
You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket.
Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room.

Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise.
And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared.

Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids.

The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb.
 
Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse.
 
I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai)
You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there.

To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money.
 
They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives.

What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.

A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear. 
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' 

The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.'  The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool.
Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question.
'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof.

They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors.
The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people.
Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.'

The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater.
Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals.

They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm.
'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it.
Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.'
Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.'

They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray.  
Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year.
The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it.
Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued.

And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach.
'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens.
After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song.

After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat.

Epilogue
The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school.

The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. 
It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack.
Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore.

What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray.

The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil.
It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. 

The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused.

Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt.

The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.)
Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb.
This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began.
They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. 

On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night.

For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves.
After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions.
The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?'
Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions.

When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools.
Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. 
Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on.

So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. 
None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions.
Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea

The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job.
To punish the teachers  for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions.
And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt.

The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.

Blood
Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet.
You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. 
I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice.

Frogs
Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. 
Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two.

Lice
If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends.

Wild Animals or Flies
If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself.
Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined.
Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined.

Livestock Pestilence
Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast.

Boils
Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink.
Those things are embarrassing. 
They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing.

Hail
I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. 
Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for.

Locusts
They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ.
They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment.

Darkness
You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights.
Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils.

Killing of The Firstborn
This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. 

I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. 
Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out.