The paper chain. That is how you make a Sukkah look good.
Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes. Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays. Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting. Sukkah Hanging Decorations Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart. Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah. Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings. Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations. Pesach Seder Art It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June. Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah. A Seder plate. Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it. Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out. Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it. Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art. Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah) A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius. People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons. You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction. Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain. Tisha BAv Art Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains. Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume. I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape. If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain. Tags:
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Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.
It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook. H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing. According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by. When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family. Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision. All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school. Tags:
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He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny. He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line. The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt. On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai) You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah. Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin) You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah. We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal) You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier. The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIII5/11/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.
You want your Passover Shpritzes to be specific. The one with the lemon is for cleaning lemons. The one with the wood is for cleaning trees. The oven cleaner Shpritz takes off a layer of grease from your oven and your finger. That stuff is strong. It will take off a finger.
That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)... I do believe that the stuff in that kid's hair is not Kosher for Pesach.
Israel Memories: How my car made it to Carmiel that day. A beautiful Tiyul.
‘In this shul there is no talking during Tefillah and Torah reading’... That’s a shul that’s a little high on themselves. Patting themselves on the back.
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Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. Tags:
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Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean. You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning. Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year. It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market. The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim. We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you... We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician... (Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club... Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish... You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel. Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts. Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops... And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying... OK. I'll take questions... Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs... The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on... I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach... You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake... Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves... You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows. The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community... Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you... What are my sources? The Torah. Rivka's Rundown The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year. Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave. Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids. The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism. They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon. Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true. The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’ I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good. I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them. The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.' I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more. Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude. What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.' How these kids are allowed to take all the food... I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays. I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical. I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now. Martha's Cleaning Service now hates Jews. Tags:
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their Dvar Torahs and thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel/Corbis seen in Smithsonian Magazine - Ted is probably getting Karet for this holiday picture)
This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start. Mah Nishtana The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars. They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again. I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!' Questions That May Come Up During the Seder Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.' One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?' It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah. Slavery Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket. Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs. My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement. Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew. The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours. 'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?' Four Sons The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner. Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes. 'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?' Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica. Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later. I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker. Deep Talk of Redemption Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again. The Ten plagues What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?! To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?' Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim. Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth. Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this. Now We Praise Gd Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage. And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. Tags:
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You want your Shpritzes to be specific. The one with the lemon is for cleaning lemons.
In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning. Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it. A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible. Do Not Eat the Sprays Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine. Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry. Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah. Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles. You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it. Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue. ‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches. Strong Sprays for Grease Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it. Other Uses for Shpritz If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover. Tags:
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Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement. All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai) You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network. Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd. Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.' What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai) You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser. Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon. Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXI4/23/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.
That is how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with serious stomach issues, or giving a sermon.
I knew Pesach was coming when... I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise. And that is the sale price… Any Pesach food less than eighty dollars is a deal... There must be Matzah in the mayonnaise.
The fridge is full again, and it all cost less than a pound of Matzah.
No need for a car. Supermarket carts in Israel only cost ten shekels. Put 10nis in the cart and it's yours. And it fits the groceries perfectly... The carts are the best deal at Shufersal. Better than their sales on drinks and nuts.
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The hotel Pesach Seder in booth, for the authentic exodus experience for two. (Photo: Totally Jewish Travel)
This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.
How was the hotel? Expensive. How did you afford it? I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now. How much was it? Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace. How was the hotel? It wasn't our home. That was good. Did you do anything on vacation? We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home. You hate your home that much? When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital. How's your wife doing now? She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery. What else did you do at the resort? I ate. Did they have other activities? Yeah. A buffet. You seem a lot bigger. Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand. What did you eat? Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way. Sounds like you were on a mission. I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries. Your kids also got bigger. I made them eat lamb chops. Breakfast? Lamb chops. One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too. How were the Seders? The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice. How about yours? Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs. But yours... Your Seder? We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud. We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet. They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat. Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach? We won't stay home. What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel? Another mortgage. We're up to three now. What are the three mortgages for? Pesach hotels. Anything else? No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean. Was it a nice hotel at least? It was a motel. Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel? They cleaned it Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel? It was forty-five thousand dollars. Conclusion People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep. As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood. Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him. Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon. Tags:
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Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul. The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound. A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it. Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting. Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah. All complaints may be directed to the shul president. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night. (Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again... All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either... 'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night... Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean. Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night. Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame... Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance... The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer... Rivka’s Rundown The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition. The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot. Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least. Nobody showed up to clean the shul. The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.' Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there. Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva. The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night. People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.' The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars. Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do. People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes. It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz. Tags:
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I Knew Pesach Was Here When4/1/2023 
Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...
I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise. I had to pay $3 for Coke. Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed. People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house. My cousins came and didn't help us clean. I started worrying about starving. I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying. I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids. My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help. I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.' We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to. A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food. I shot the guy. I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars. I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds. I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it. I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year. My house was finally a bit clean. I still wasn't able to find anything. We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy. Everybody was fighting. Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach. I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat. I questioned how the cost of meat went up. I told the kids they have to clean the windows. My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach. I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning. I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach. I was happy the windows finally got cleaned. I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody. My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions. I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder. I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son. During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions. The kids started running around the house with their food. I threw out my laptop, just in case. My husband didn't help. I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house. When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder. My fingers were full of cuts. I learned cleaning is dangerous. I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am. I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach. I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days. I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach. And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us. Tags:
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If you don't have every Shpritz, your home is not Kosher for Pesach.
It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?
Put Bread Around the House Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find. If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni. Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous. Watch The Ten Commandments The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush. After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more. Kasher Everything You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood). After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover. Yell at the Kids Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing. Cover Everything You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids. Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes. You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish. During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned. Don't Sleep There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic. Burn Eggs and Chicken Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it. Did you Purchase Everything? You're not worrying enough. Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week. Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people that enjoy coconut pastries. Go Back To The Supermarket You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket. Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room. Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise. And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared. Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids. Tags:
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The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb. Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse. I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai) You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there. To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money. They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives. What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album IX5/12/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.
People have got to keep it down around here... Why we have to tell people they're resting. Some consideration. Please! Keep it quiet. People are sleeping. Whatever parties you’re running around these parts, it’s inconsiderate. Keep it down.
Ten masks for the plagues, and not one of them helps with COVID... The frog isn't very scary. If Kermit was a plague, I can understand why the Egyptians didn't want to let us go.
That's how you celebrate the ending of Pesach... You throw out all the plastic plates. It's a Mitzvah. Frum Jews understand that disposable utensils and dishes are part of the Mitzvah of Pru uRvu, to be fruitful and multiply. When you have that many kids, you don't clean plates.
Oleh style is the clothes you made Aliyah in. I know some of these people, and they're still wearing the same shirts fifteen years later. Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years, as seen by their unwillingness to purchase new clothes since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. Thus, Olim are fine purchasing it in Israel. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
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A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear.
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.' The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool. Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question. 'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof. They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors. The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people. Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.' The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater. Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals. They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm. 'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it. Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.' Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.' They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray. Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year. The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it. Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued. And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach. 'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens. After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song. After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat. Epilogue The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school. The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack. Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore. What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray. The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil. It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. Tags:
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This is how Haggadot.com sees Jewish kids. A bunch of drunkards, and one whose parents made him show up.
The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused. Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt. The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.) Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb. This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began. They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night. For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves. After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions. The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?' Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions. When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools. Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on. So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions. Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job. To punish the teachers for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions. And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt. Tags:
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Ten plagues masks, put out by Rite Lite. And not one of them helps with COVID... The frog is not very scary. If Kermit was a plague, I can understand why the Egyptians didn't want to let us go.
The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.
Blood Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet. You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice. Frogs Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two. Lice If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends. Wild Animals or Flies If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself. Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined. Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined. Livestock Pestilence Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast. Boils Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink. Those things are embarrassing. They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing. Hail I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for. Locusts They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ. They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment. Darkness You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights. Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils. Killing of The Firstborn This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out. Tags:
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What happiness looks like. No school. That's how you get kids to love Judaism. (Photo: Brooke Leiberman in thejewishnews.com)
It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade. I Loved the Food Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket. My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking. My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery. I Loved Praying Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’ Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion. I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school. One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches. Half Day of School is Still Religious I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration. Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing. On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes. Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy. Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up. I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit. Factories are Better than Booths There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover. I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education. I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long? Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend. I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for. Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day. Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick This might just say it all: Oh Shabbat How I love you Pesach, Sukkot You are the joy of every Jew Shavuot, Yom Kippur I love you too I love every day When we don’t have school Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her. Sundays Don’t Last all Week Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth. Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good. Finished School - Still Religious? Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off. I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket. Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bo1/7/2022 
We just retired the first seat in shul. Michel deserved it. Would’ve hung his Tallis in the rafters, but everybody in the shul is scared of heights.
Now everybody wants to be honored. The shul is now planning an awards ceremony. The problem is that an awards ceremony needs awards. The Best Kugel Award is the most I can hope for. I’ve never gotten an award. I think I should quit. We started a new Chesed project where we do everything kind. We don’t do much of it, but we do it all. We collect money. We shop for people. We visit the sick. We told the school in the area that we'll help with the kids after school. I think the teachers are scared they'll get a bad reputation if the kids come to our after school program and start talking. We even started a thing where we help old people cross the street. I believe that has turned into an offensive campaign, where people started yelling at us for accusing them of being old and decrepit. Many people have yelled police and hit our volunteers, as they thought we were trying to steal their purses. We even took up a new ‘care for orphans’ program. It’s a good program. Nobody thought to take any of them in. The sisterhood feels like adopting one would kill the program. I saw the list of orphans in our community. The orphans each have their own card. The center shows them to you like that. They feel that people like baseball cards, and the kids will be seen as more valuable if they look like The Babe. Pictures of the toddlers with bats is very cute. It gets the money hungry potential parents thinking that they could make some good return on investment in the future. I think that’s wrong, but they’re trying to do good for the kids. The cards are numbered. I wanted to get some so my grandkids could make a set. One kid that I felt bad for never got picked up. The social worker said she wasn’t draftable. It would be nice if we donated the money somewhere. We've collected it though. It's nice to have money. Rabbi asked his kids to share what they shared at the Friday night dinner before we started reading the Torah. That was very painful. It was like an extra three speeches. They also give long sermons like their dad. I would’ve been happier if they didn’t learn anything at school. Seeing the kids reading off their notes from Morah Felicia was very painful. Israelis in the community has me questioning. A lot of Israelis are moving from Israel. It's a new wave of Jews moving from the Holy Land. There must be a new youth movement in Israel spreading the ideals of Yiridah. I've asked and none of them support the Beitar youth movement. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom To sum up the plagues a bissel, the Egyptians are not happy. Nobody likes frogs jumping everywhere… I know Michael likes frogs. He collects them. If they were jumping all over the house. It’s an irritant... Try eating Cornflakes with frogs jumping around... I feel like the back left of the shul is an irritant. A plague… If frogs were jumping in the back left, it would be less of a distraction during the Torah reading... You are all very loud! In last week's parsha, we see that Moses gives over H's message. 'If you refuse to let the Jews go, and you keep holding onto them... the hand of H' will come to your livestock.' I know we have a lot of farmers here. What's my retirement package looking like? That’s the question… People like snow. Hail is different, Yossi… The hail with fire. You like that? You want fireballs landing on your house? Little comets shooting fire with frogs jumping all over your bed? Then listen to H’… Simcha. You had a fit when your car got a ding from the ice storm last year… I don't know why H' doesn't kill the firstborns first. Sometimes, I get the feeling like the older people are the ones causing problems... H' is building up the drama… Yes. I'm giving the story over again, this year. It’s my duty. (10:1-2) H’ brings the plagues as signs, ‘in order that you will tell your children and children’s children…’ Not just grandkids. But it’s also grandkids grandkids. You should be telling everybody. Like the joke you've told us all about the rabbi and the imam, Hymie... You repeat it all the time... Exactly. Because you forget that you told us... You have to repeat and let everybody know. There's a reason our Beis Kenesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Sunday School spends half year on the 'Let My People Go'... It's not just a song, Rachel... It’s our duty, Bernie!!! Pesach. Do we not do Pesach now?!... Yes. This speech is a Seder... It takes a while to teach the songs. Now, we have to show The Ten Commandments and Prince of Egypt too... Beautiful songs in that film. We play them all the time... We want the kids to look good at the Pesach Concert this year. Now. Let us learn the lessons of Paroh. It’s like running another Seder here… Got to deal with all these questions… Read something. Look it up in a dictionary. Open up a Torah. Even Sadie doesn’t read anymore. All questions… Paroh is afraid to let the Jews go. He is afraid to let go... As we've noticed in our community with the leader of the Federation of Monies taken for Our Organization We Never See... A tight hold onto anything makes it hard. It makes it hard on the people. It makes it hard on our shul's renovations... Paroh is a hoarder. Parohs have always been known to be hoarders. With the hoarding of all the food before the famine. That is how the Jews ended up in Egypt... Hoarding is how the Jews ended up in Mitzrayim. The hoarding in this community… We have fifteen hundred Siddurs piled up in the lobby. All ripped… I'm saying to bury them. Let our Siddurs go. Show respect… Then fix them, Bernie. It’s a pile… It’s a Siddur obstacle course. Tripping over Siddurs is not respectful… If we do it right, it's respectful and it praises H.' Letting go is a praise. It shows trust… This is why Chanan isn't married. He doesn't let go. He holds onto the girls. You're choking them with your helicopter dating. I'm not saying to throw out the new siddurs... Keep some of the old ones. They're beautiful. Each family should have one... OK. Keep some of the old ones. Look to the right side of the congregation. Old is beautiful. Sometimes you have to let go. You only have so much room in this world… It’s shameful how you protested retiring Michel’s seat. Shameful… Letting something be known that it was great is honoring. It’s respectful. We have to let that seat go and retire it… If it’s with H’ and you’re doing a Mitzvah, it shows respect… No. Disgusting. Siddur tossing is disgusting. We do Shaimos. We bury the Siddurs. Paroh doesn’t let the people go, and thus he loses his livestock… If you don't want to lose your cattle, stop hoarding and give me a raise. They don't get rid of the Jews. They lose their livestock. The money of their past. All that accumulated wealth they held onto. Our Tzadik, Michel, never held onto livestock… Hakol Bidei Shamaim. 'All is in the hands of Gd.' That is the religious belief, and the belief of most of our congregation... Yes. Menachem. People who don't believe that, work.... They have jobs. They pay dues. We need to find a solid base for our beliefs Menachem. I think people in this congregation are using Hakol Bidei Shamaim too much. When they messed up the ark, it was in Gd's hands. When they didn't adopt any orphans, that was Gd's fault. Not visiting the sick. Leave that up to H'. Why do we have the Chesed Project of acts of loving kindness, when you all expect H' to do it?... Then pray. Pray that H' will help them and relax... 'In the hands of Gd' is about partnering with Him. It's about being able to let go for the future... Exactly. Your a Paroh because you don't believe and can't let go. It is then, that we come to this week's Parsha... Yes. The Dvar Torah is starting here... My kids talked before Torah reading. That's not part of the speech. The other stuff was a preamble... My contract says no more than thirty minutes. That's of the Dvar Torah. The sermon can't be more than thirty minutes. The preamble isn't part of the sermon... Why can’t Paroh let go? H' says, (Shemot 10:1) 'For I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants…' H’ hardened Paroh’s heart and that of his servants. Paroh became mean, and he had the support, like the people who can't retire Michel's seat… Michel's a Tzadik. Should I explain Tzadik to you? One who shows up on time for shul. One who gives to the needy, visits the sick, honors their parents... Honoring somebody who donated a lot of money doesn't count... Not adopting makes you worse than Paroh... At least he took in Moshe. He didn't say Hakol Bidei Shamaim... H' hardened his heart. It was hard... Like a rock. Yes. When you do bad, you harden your heart and becomes hardened... He didn’t learn from the past. The no hamburgers at the baseball game fiasco. Hotdogs are not enough!!! People are enslaved to them... He made the decision to keep it bad for the Jews, like the board. Now. He has a hardened heart... Somebody with a hardened heart doesn't serve hamburgers. I see Michel’s seat and it makes me happy. He deserved for it to be retired. It unhardens my heart. I see the good… Paroh couldn’t see good. Kind of like Bernie. I can’t see any good in Bernie… We have to hoard the good... Keep it with us. But it doesn't have to take up half the shul. It’s an obstacle course with the Siddurs thrown out like that. You’ve got to treat them with respect. Unharden your heart for the Siddurs. Pray with an open heart... You didn't listen till now. Your heart has been hardened. Your family is gone. When you got in all those family scuffles... We saw them at Kiddush. 'Eat the herring Shloimy... we're not having lunch at home.' It is no wonder your family left you Pinny. Pinny, the whole community hated you. They stopped serving whiskey at kiddush because you noticed it was free. Now they have to serve the plastic bottle stuff... We saw you in the parking lot. Your kid didn't want to go to the Bar Mitzvah. I think we are all sick of hearing the same Shweky song again. Played but not Shweky. But Pinny, you hold onto that Rachem song... You embarrass your kids and you make do stuff they don't want to... Then let him run barefoot. Just stop yelling at Kiddish. Yelling at Kiddish and forcing little kids to eat herring, hardens the heart... Stop trying to control. Your control is a plague... Herring is a plague to a third grader. Even when H' is in control, we don't see it, for our hearts are still hardened. Like a puppet who has no control over her actions. She cannot bend the arm, unless bent for her. However, if we give up and understand H' is in control, we can then bend our own arms and create a new life, of joy and care, and a willingness to create new. Like a puppet who has a good master... 'Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings. Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams'... Yes. I'm quoting Metallica... If your dreams are good, the master is good. You won't have a hardened heart, like Bernie... We'll have that soft heart, which Pinny doesn't have. The soft heart of a man with a family. And a woman, unlike Pinny's wife, who doesn't bring her man to take down the whole bottle of the shul's Balvenie... A hardened heart with no shame. Because she never let him go out with the guys... And what happens? (Shemot 10:7) After all of this warning and the first plagues, and being told that locusts will come, Paroh’s servants have a change of heart. ‘Paroh’s servants said to him, “Until when are you going to be a snare to us? Send out the people that they can serve H’ their Gd. Do you not know that Egypt is lost?”' The servants know H’ already. Even they have seen H’ greatness. It’s hard to see that in this shul... Why don't you trust your rabbi? Rivka sees the goodness of her rabbi. She has a soft heart. She gives kids Stella D'oros at Kiddish... Paroh can’t change. He has become blinded by his hatred of Jews... Yes. I am getting there... He can’t even see that Egypt is lost. I saw when this shul lost the choolnate competition. I didn’t want to, but I saw when this shul needed to stop serving alcohol at Kiddish. Thank you Pinny… Yes. I see the hoarding going on with the Siddurs and people depending on Gd to visit the sick... Ms. Frankowitz is not Avraham our father... (Shemot 10:3-6) Paroh gets the warning of locusts now. He gets H’s word from Moshe and Aaron. Does it mean anything? No. At this point, he can care less if the children of Egypt are forced to eat herring... Paroh doesn't have the heart anymore to see the importance of community. Of children. Of Women. (Shemot 10:9) Moshe said, ‘With our youth and with our elders we will go, with our sons and with our daughters, with our flocks and with our cattle we will go, for it is a festival of the Lord to us.’ But Paroh doesn’t allow this. He doesn’t understand the concept of community. The concept of not getting drunk in front of little kids. ‘Bo. Come for Shabbat lunch.’ Mark and Shani never hear that… You don’t remember because you’re too drunk to remember. An invite for Shabbat lunch is what Tzadiks do. They also visit the sick… Mark was sick. Nobody cared… If you want to get your Tallis in the rafters, invitations can get you there. If you invite them, you’ll get their vote. You'll be a Tzadik in their minds… Adopting can get you vote as well. If you don't try to cash in when the kid becomes an athlete, you might get Tzadik status... We have retired a Tzadik’s seat this past week. We have also given out the shul awards… No trophies. It was word of mouth awards. Frank was honored the least likely to understand his prayers. Bernie was the one who interrupts the rabbi the most. Sadie was awarded head of the sisterhood, though she is not the president… You shouldn’t hate her for being better than you, Sarit... You just moved here, Sarit. Your family will be awarded, maybe even get a dinner in your honor, when you know more people. The shul needs money from honorees... Don't let the members of this shul harden your heart... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The way he honored Michel was beautiful. Now, everybody else thinks their parents weren’t Tzadiks. Finally. They finally know it. The speech felt like a second Pesach Seder. It was long. The rabbi even started a game of H' Says. He said that is more Jewish than Simon Says, as there are only three Jews he knows, named Simon. People were very into the game, especially the devout members. They didn't want any other sins on their plate. 'If Gd says to do it, you do it.' That's what Rachel told me, even though she hasn't visited one sick person, and I can't remember the last time she gave Tzedakah. H' says took a good twenty minutes, but the rabbi said it wasn't part of the sermon. Even so, he definitely linked it to the Parsha, telling people that H' says to kill the firstborn. Some people wanted to win real bad. The firstborns ran out of shul. The rabbi brought ‘Hoarders’ to the shul for the Siddurs. They ended up going to the houses of the congregants. The amount of stuff they’ve stolen from the shul. The old ark cover was in the Mitzkowitz house. The havdalah candle we've been looking for, at the Cohens. The handkerchief for holding the parchment, Saul was blowing his nose in it. I made it a point to not watch that episode of 'Hoarders.' Now they have another things to blame Jews for. As if having good jobs in Topeka isn't enough. Now they're going to say we're hoarding them. If I can't store it in my home and have it take up space that I need, it's not hoarding. Whatever the rabbi said, many of the farmers stopped hoarding. Their barns were finally able to be used for a shul farmers market and dance we've been planning. Yankel, the little kid who's now our singer, did a great job performing on hay. It was good to be able to say 'Yankel,' as being in a barn didn't feel Jewish. The farmers in the shul are very proud of their livestock. We had a cattle competition at the shul fair. Of course, the Mitzkowitzs brought their pigs. They’ve always been sinners. People said the rabbi saying ‘hail with fire. You want that?’ was religious coercion. It got a cross the message to do Mitzvot. I think he got across that point real well. I think it was a good way to get across the message of how hardened the heart of the congregants is. All I know is they started doing Mitzvot, and they started playing H' Says with more fervor. Pinny's kids hate Kiddish. They hate having the weekends with their dad. Nobody likes the herring. It's about time they started serving schmaltz herring. People like that. Going to plastic whiskey bottles was the best move in recent years. The real drinkers are staying away from the whiskey. They don't drink it if it's not in a glass bottle. The shul has saved a lot of money. Pinny is still getting drunk, but we're saving on the bottle material. He also has a harder time pouring the two liter bottle once he's tipsy. He just gives up and falls down near the Kiddish bar; his size and length, and the inability of the others to step over him, saves us money on extra shots. The discussion was had to retire seats based on the Yom Kippur name tags on the back of the seats. As Phil said, 'Those seats have been retired for years. Those people never show up.' Years ago, the shul stopped branding the names on the seats themselves, as they realized how quickly the lifetime members stopped paying their yearly dues. The board made it clear that there is no more lifetime membership. They want most of the congregants out after three years. They want the choice as to whether or not they have to spend Kiddish with them. Should lifetime members have their seat retired? That’s a good question. We need rules for retiring seats. If you led the sisterhood and didn't get in any fights, your seat gets retired. If you're under Bar Mitzvah age and don't run around the shul, because your parents don't watch you, your seat gets retired. If you hate the Chazin too, the rabbi said your seat gets retired. Tallises are not making it up to the rafters. Our men are scared of heights and we’ve got to get better with our hands. The shul has too many people who are scared to do renovations. They end up calling handymen. Not craftsmen. Handymen. There is not one Jewish handyman in all of Topeka. Jewish men are not handy. I don’t even know if any of them have hands. They say they have hands. If they do have hands, they don't use them. I think that's why they lick their fingers to turn the page. It turns out that to be honored, you have to know people. You need to be somebody that people will pay for. Social climbing is back at the shul. People want to be friends with Himlowitzs. Maybe there's a plague in Israel. Maybe that's why so many have left Israel and come to our community. I know that my nephews and nieces in Israel read Dvar Torahs at the Shabbat table. Hearing their school notes being read is very painful. If they didn't read it, that would be less of a punishment. I did hear about them quarantining over in Israel. Maybe there is a plague. The rabbi told the school that teachers can’t give Shabbat notes anymore, as they are painful to the whole congregation. The rabbi got a lot of complaints from the congregants after his kids spoke. It was hard, as each one of them tried to tell him that it wasn’t his kids, but the notes. He wants his son to be a childhood preacher. He now knows that won't happen if he reads Morah Kimmy's notes. The money we've collected for the Chesed project still hasn't been allotted. They're saving it to do Chesed. Nobody in the congregation wants to help other people yet. I hope we can give it to the Jewish orphan center. I think they need to make a new 2022 collectibles series, to keep interest in their brand. Tags:
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Why We Forget To Count the Omer4/20/2021 
We count 49 days from Pesach to Shavuot. Yet, every year, I mess up the counting.
Known as the Omer, counting, or Sefira, or Sefirat HaOmer, these 49 days are the greatest challenge of the Jewish people. Counting is not usually hard, but when you are required to do it, it's almost impossible. Many feel alone and embarrassed when they forget to count the Omer. They have to tap out and see their countless friends walking with pride on the fifth day of the Omer. Your friends are still counting and gloating their achievement by saying the blessing in your face, and forcing you to say 'Amen' to your failure. None of you should feel alone. Out of the millions that keep to this commandment, around 20 make it through to the end. I work in statistics, and the Jewish people is a large enough sample size to realize that I am not the only one who messes this commandment up. Here are reasons I forget to count the Omer, and you do too: 72 Reasons I Forgot to Count the Omer It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot. I had to wait a whole day to get to the next number. I said ‘35’ and then somewhere, within those 24 hours, I forgot that the next day was number 36. I saw a horse. I had to put up the leftover lasagna in the microwave. My sister asked me to watch her kids. I was learning Torah. Tax season. There were numbers involved with that too. I went to sleep late. I went to sleep early. I went to sleep on time. It was the third day of the Omer. I forgot to count the first two. You can’t decide to start counting on the third day. Television. The internet. I was trying to figure out if the padlock sign was really locked. I asked somebody the day, they said what yesterday was. I got confused and that was it. I missed Minyan. Not showing up to pray with other people, I learned that I cannot depend on myself. I don’t look at my calendar. I miss a lot of meetings too. I should look at my calendar and be more dependable. I asked somebody what day of the Omer it was. I was supposed to ask what day it was yesterday. I am such an idiot. I’ve got to learn how to ask questions. I didn’t remember the day that was before. I said it, but I couldn’t remember. Somebody asked me the day and I said it. The second night of Pesach, after the seder, I said I was going to count. Then came the fourth cup of wine. TV. My upstairs neighbors were moving something. They did not lift their couch. Instead, they dragged it. So, I forgot. I had school the next day. I had to do homework. A movie. I don’t even remember the movie. I just remember that it shifted my focus for long enough for me to forget to count. I can’t focus for five minutes. I am going to have a hard time focusing for forty-nine days. I don’t know if it is ADHD. I have a shorter attention span than that. I went for a walk. I was thinking. I was thinking about the Omer. I wasn’t thinking. I think it was April 15th. Left shul right after Maariv; just ran out, because we had to put the kids to sleep. ‘100 bottles of beer on the wall.’ I get lost at around 86. My attention doesn’t last that long. When I go to sleep, I can count sheep up to fifteen. Then, I have to question if I truly got to fifteen, or if I skipped thirteen. Sefira, I mess up. I forgot my niece’s birthday. It was a day. I couldn’t find my other sock. So, I forgot. I was on vacation. It’s not something I get to decide on. It’s a requirement, and it is said at shul every night. And it’s something that is listed all over the internet and on every Jewish calendar, and on every Jewish handout and bulletin. Thus, I forget. My niece’s piano recital. Security at the supermarket. I was on a flight and the pilot did not mention the day of the Omer, along with the altitude. I remembered to count. And then, I forgot. Dinner. I didn’t know I was going to be asked to lead the Maariv service. If I would’ve known, I would’ve made sure to remember to count. I looked like a fool, who couldn’t say the Bracha. There were no English subtitles on the Hebrew TV channel. I had a cold. I was at a baseball game. I was never good at math. I always had to use popsicle sticks to count. I still had a hard time counting with popsicle sticks, as I was always trying to find the ices. I was never good at English. I was never good at social studies. That class confused me, because I thought it was history. I don’t have decent reading comprehension skills. I got into Yeshiva University because it is a Jewish school and they accept Jews. I am bad at anything that has to do with school. Counting is one of them. The TV was off. Somehow, that changed my focus. I was online. I started reading news feeds and stuff my friends posted. Their posts made very little sense, but it kept me occupied for a very long time. Got a call to help out in the house. Had to take it. Forgot the Omer, and got home late. I have a chart in my kitchen, on the fridge, and near my bed. Still forgot. The first night of the Omer counting is the second night Passover Seder in America. Nobody said anything after the Pesach Seder. I didn’t drink much at that Seder. In Israel, there is no Seder on the second night. I forgot to count the first night. A movie was on. It was very intriguing. I also do not remember what this one was about. It was August. My silent prayer took too long at Shul. And then, when I finished, everybody was already past the blessing for the Omer. It was the third day of the Omer. So, I forgot. I was reading an excellent article. A fly was in my apartment. Nobody reminded me to count. That was their fault. I went to sleep. I got up. I thought about why I am counting. I still have no idea what the Omer is. I have no idea what I am counting. Yet, I count and it’s meaningful. Now you know you're not alone. There are many other Jews that are also not doing a good job of keeping the Mitzvot. I hope that makes you feel better. I don’t think I've ever made it the whole way through the full 49 days of counting. If nothing goes wrong this year, if I stare at the calendar, don’t talk to anybody and I don’t fall asleep, I think I can make it through the full Omer count. Tags:
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I have the same questions every year. Feel free to ask them at the Seder, and interrupt the Mah Nishtana like I do.
Why are we not eating?
Why is the Dvar Torah (Torah commentary) going on? Doesn’t the Haggadah have a lot of these already? Why are we listening to Mike’s thoughts? The rabbis have been discussing this for two thousand years…? Why are we not eating? Why is my shirt stained? Why am I sitting at the kids’ table? I am 30 years old and single, I get it. Why am I sitting at the kids' table? Why is he still talking and why has he not finished the Dvar Torah? Why are we not eating? Why is it that every time you try to kasher the house you start a fire? Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked? Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains? Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing the simple song, 'Mah Nitshtana'? Why does this little kid not read Hebrew? Is Charoset really mortar? It doesn’t seem to work as a strong adhesive, or dry very hard. Charoset stains too? Why is there a toy in the middle of the floor? If this Charoset is mortar, can that be the reason why most pyramids are not there anymore? Is this another one of those schemes? Why does Charoset stain too? Why is my three year old nephew still awake? Why do we not answer any of these questions? Why are we not eating? What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice? Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes? You burnt the neck?! Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim (dips) on every other night? Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise? What is Kitniyot again? What is a legume? Why did you translate that Hebrew word into an English word that is harder to understand than the Hebrew? Are eggplants also a legume? Can you make bread out of eggplants too? Why are we not eating? Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started? Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine? Why are we drinking on an empty stomach? Why are these kids still up? If we are talking about knocking out the kid’s teeth, why are all these children still running around? Do they not take our threats seriously? Why did my brother’s wife just tell her child that she has to go into timeout? Is that the alternative to knocking out the teeth? Why does everybody laugh when we give somebody the ‘wicked son’ to read? How many more people have something to share about the four sons? Why is the little one leaning on me? Do we read about the annoying son? Can we talk about this child sitting next to me? Is that the same Dvar Torah? Why are these kids still up? Is there anything about annoying parents? Can you please wake me up when people are finished talking about the four sons? Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday? Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah? That just has to stop?! We have been here for three hours. Are they considered the wicked son? Should we blunt out her teeth? Did slavery last as long as these Dvrei Torah? If we got out of slavery, why did we spend two weeks scrubbing the floors of our home, by ourselves? When are we going to eat? Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt? Why did my aunt tell my cousin that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed? Ouch!!! Why did nobody move this Lego car? Why are all of these random people at our meal? They never invited us? Why is my cousin still yelling? If she wouldn’t have been freed from Egypt, why did we free her from the table? Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were? Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail? Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back? Since when is food coloring considered blood? Does blood stain like charoset? My foot still hurts. Why does Lego hurt more than all other toys? Is it the extra corners and little circles on the Lego? How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?! What is a kazayit? Before I eat the matzah, I want to know- is it the size of an olive, egg or melon? Why do I have to stuff the whole thing into my mouth within three seconds? Who came up with that amount of time? How do you commemorate the death of the first born? Why is my stomach hurting. I have only eaten half a piece of matzah? Why did this child, we will call them the annoying child, take soup before me? The house is not very clean. Did you try to cleaning this place with a feather? If it is not fit for a dog to eat, it is not considered chametz. Does that mean that we can eat my roommate’s food? Why is the light in our fridge never on? Why are we the only family in the community that did not go to a hotel this Passover? Why is nobody answering any of my questions? Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Is it in our genes to eat anything within arm’s reach? Can't these people control their eating habits? Why did Gd not command us that brisket is the only kosher meat there is, when mom never cooks anything else? Is brisket the only kosher cut of meat? If Elijah doesn’t drink that cup, can I have it? Why does my foot still hurt? I like bread made out of potato starch. If it is enjoyable, can I still eat that on Pesach? Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed (intermediary days of the holiday)? Are there other permitted activities for religious children, asides from the zoo? Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games? Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish? I like the tune of the song ‘Who Knows One,’ but why the pop quiz? I would have studied if I knew that I needed to know Thirteen. Is there a cheat sheet? Does anybody know thirteen? Why did nobody tell me that Matzah stains too? Why am I sitting at the kids table? Why are my nephews still yelling? Why is the three year old still awake? Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder? 18k? Really. Why does this kid not know the 'Mah Nishtana'? Tags:
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I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. 
Our enemies should die like squash. They should be squashed like squash and die...
I’m just working on the Rosh Hashana Simanim and my ability to curse enemies with vegetation. I feel like the gourd family allows me to get out my anger at our foes. 
Rabbi David Kilimnick, Israel's 'Father of Anglo Comedy' brings the Holy Land Comedy Experience of Solidarity to Your Community... [email protected]
Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18) 'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/19/2024
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