​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
​
Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.

Spent six-thousand dollars on food so far. Now I need to pick up cleaning products and dishware. Forgot about that. I was assuming that dishware came with the three-hundred-dollar brisket.
Here is my list of stuff I will need to get to ensure the home is Pesahdik. With notes I took down, to keep me focused on the goal of worrying more. Again. I didn't think of the dishes. Nor did I think I would have to clean.
Before going on, throw out everything and get a new carpet. And make sure I sold all the Chametz, so I don't have to clean.
Remember to clean more.
 
Cleaning Products
You need to get cleaning stuff for the kids to clean. They teach that it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach. Which is why you send the kids to Jewish day school.
Going to a hotel, you still need to clean. So, buy the cleaning stuff. The hotel housekeeping cleaned the room for you. Which means you have to clean.

Every cleaning shpritz. Buy it Tile cleaner shpritz. Stove cleaner shpritz. Stove and tile cleaner shpritz. Everything cleaner shpritz that doesn't clean everything. Wood cleaner shpritz. Wood might have Chametz and it truly gets the tree to look shinier. Get the shpritz with the picture of the lemons. I like clean lemons.
Window cleaner shpritz. Just in case Chametz was spread on the windows by a chipmunk. Maybe it hibernated in the screen. Acorns are probably legumes.
Potpourri. I'm not sure. Might be Chametz. Now I have to throw that out. Remember to buy potpourri after Pesach, if I have funds.

Vacuum. A Kosher for Pesach one.
Dustbuster. Just in case the vacuum doesn't work. Or I might want to save energy by bending and going down on the floor to clean.
Brooms. Mop. Swiffer. I need a Swiffer to do what the broom, mop and vacuum do. There is a Swiffer, I need it. I washed the floor. I have to Swiff it. It's a cleaning product, and thus I must use it on Pesach. Swiffing is another fence around Chametz.

That's nine-hundred-dollars in cleaning products. And be sure to log a hundred-twenty hours in the cleaning of the living room. After I've quit my job, I can figure out the rest of the necessary cleaning.

Blowtorch. I will need a blowtorch to blow up the home, to make sure it's Pesahdik. Oven cleaner shpritz should work to remove some grease from the oven. Can't fully trust it. Though, it took off part of my finger last year. So, it is legitimate. Blowtorch the place.

Toothpaste. New tube.
Toothbrush. I have one. Buy more.
Baby wipes. That's what people use nowadays. After two days of Matzah, I will need to start using baby wipes. Got to keep clean on the Chag. 
Soap. Kosher for Pesach is better, just in case you get hungry.
Detergent. Again. Hashgachas are better. Alpine flavored Tide is not Kosher for Pesach. So don't eat that.
Kids might do the laundry, if you can convince them that cotton is a legume.
Make sure everything I buy is expensive. Cleaning products should be Kosher for Pesach, just in case I plan to eat the oven cleaner.

Bristle stuff. Anything with bristles. 
Sponges. Can't use them on the holiday, but I should buy them. Good to have them. 
Brushes. Brushes that work as sponges. Wait. those not sponge sponges. Whoever figured that out is amazing. Shabbat breeds invention.
 
Feather and spoon. That’s how you clean for Pesach. I need to get the feather and spoon. Forget all the sprays and vacuum stuff. And make sure the feather has a candle. Without a candle how are you supposed to see in a house. Buy the packet to be sure it’s Kosher for Pesach before I burn it. Blowtorch the feather and spoon.

Extra Notes
Forgot mayonnaise. Shoot. The horseradish is going to hurt.
Get Kosher for Pesach lettuce. Don’t get the nonKosher for Pesach one. Never buy Bodek again. I’m not that well to do.
And parsley. Need parsley. I wrote “every vegetable” on my list. But I don’t know if parsley falls into that.
Chocolate covered almonds. Do not forget those. The cake will not be very good. I will need to eat a lot of chocolate covered almonds. Why do I not eat chocolate covered almonds during the year? That is a good question. I'll ask that at the Seder.
 
Maxwell House Haggadah because that’s tradition. Do not buy Maxwell House coffee.

There is a lot more that was left out. I should be at around eight-thousand dollars right now.
After you pull your kids from Jewish day school, you should have enough to purchase the rest of what you need on your Pesach list. Like more tinfoil. 
Don't pull your kids out of school until they learned it's a Mitzvah to clean for Pesach.
 
Anything with Kosher of Pesach on it or a "P," buy it.
And make a trip to New York to pick up more stuff. It's Pesach. Gas prices are not the issue with the cost of Pesach food. I can't blame Iran for what Gefen and Manischewitz are charging for macaroons. 
New York will have something I didn't think was Kosher for Pesach, like tape. Buy it. It's Kosher for Pesach.

Buy another Blumenkrantz guide. And make sure to look at the OU and Star-K's guides to make it harder for myself. So, I can feel more religious. 
And clean more. I feel very religious when I'm burnt out. When I haven't slept.
And make sure I have enough tinfoil and tins. I don't think ShopRite has enough in stock.

Forgot the dishware. Shoot. I'm out of funds. I will get that stuff next year. And don't dust anything next year. Leave the dust. I've been sneezing for a month.

Note for after Pesach:
Make sure to buy back your Chametz and house at a loss.

Announcements
Kroger has some good deals on Pesach food. Only fifteen dollars for a bottle of Kosher for Pesach mayonnaise. Kosher for Pesach lettuce is also on sale for just a little bit more than twenty dollars a pound.
 
Our prayers are with the US and Israeli armies. We apologize if that offends members of our shul. The board discussed it and with a vote of six to five, it was agreed that it is fine to pray for people who are protecting us and Israel. Even if it offends Jews in our shul, to pray for the protection of Jews is also fine.
The rabbi says you can support our soldiers, even if it isn’t an American thing to do. The board also voted you can’t blame Israel for everything, even if you are left-wing. Except for EL AL overcharging.
 
No outdoing the Chazin‘s singing. We know people like to sing and bother everybody. You are not allowed to out-singing the Chazin. The Chazin is loud enough. Children are scared, and we're losing congregants due to fear that Davening might take longer.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Save on Pesach Food- A Crash Course on How to Spend Only Thirteen Thousand Dollars on Pesach and Other Great Deals. The Art of Blaming Israel and Somehow Thinking You’re a Good Jew- With Our Congregants Who Show Up for Kiddish. How to Be a Chazin Without Being Asked to Be the Chazin- Shlomi and How He Sings Very Loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You bring a peace offering for peace. For H’s sake. Shlomo...
Sforno teaches the peace offering, the Shelamim, is brought when one recognizes Gd’s goodness. This congregation doesn't even recognize when they find a deal on Kosher for Pesach chocolate covered almonds. How can you recognize the gifts H’ gives you when you can’t appreciate finding a bag of almonds with chocolate on top for twelve dollars?! How can you appreciate Gd when you can't appreciate a sale on Pesach treats?! If you can't see H's miracles, how will you see his goodness.

Rashi teaches that it brings peace to the world. The Karban Shelmaim has a part for the Altar, a part for the Kohen, a part for the owner. Since everybody is satisfied, peace. Shalom.. I’ve never been satisfied after eating at the Minkowitz house. The portions are tiny. Everything is served on a teacup holder plate. And that is why there is no love in that family...

I don’t know if Shechting cattle in the Beit HaMikdash would bring peace to the Middle East. Slaughtering a cow will help with dinner. It would bring brisket to the Middle East. I don’t know if it would end the war. We’re just learning Torah... If you leaned Torah and shared a good Yapchik Kugel with a lot of meat in it, that would bring peace...
If we had the Beit HaMikdash would that bring peace? Don’t get me fired for sharing Torah ideas...

Rabbi Hirsch teaches that that the Shelamim sacrifice is called a Zevach, which could also mean a feast, because “during the eating of a peace-offering’s flesh, the owner would invite the family, friends and acquaintances.”
Again. Sharing. Sharing in praise of H’. You share H’s kindness, that brings peace.
I don't want to be invited to the Minkowitzs... Nobody breaks bread there, because they barely have any bread. Maybe a pita... People don't break pita. They rip it.
Again. Sharing. You share a feast... The Minkowitz family doesn’t share a feast because they cook barely anything. It’s like they’re hosting a rabbit for dinner, with the vegetables and no meat... Carrots in the choolante? Is that a Tzimis?! Nobody likes Tzimis...
Yes. I got it all from Artscroll. Does that mean it’s not correct?! Idiots.

Sharing... Sharing. Giving. It’s the same thing. Unless if you’re Ami, who takes. That’s what he does in the sharing process. He sits there and takes.
Recognize and share something that brings satisfaction...

Do you believe in H’? It’s Pesach. You’re supposed to spend money. That's how you bring H' to the world. That's how you share a feast. You spend a lot.
The miracle of Pesach is that even when you spend all of your money, H’ will provide... You spend money. You share the food. You have Shalom. The people that didn't pay for the Seder are happy... Your guests are happy. Unless if you're the MInkowitzs.
That's how you recognize H's goodness... It's a Mitzvah to go broke...

I understand there are people that want us dead. That’s why we pray for the president... I said it. Yes. We pray for the leader of our nation to have peace, to bring peace... He doesn't want to eat with you.
We thank H' for the blessing of life. We recognize peace... At least come to shul on time and Daven. Pray a Bissel.
And yes. We pray for Bibi. The leader of Israel... Israel is our homeland. Yes. It is. Always has been. Please let the board know, I apologize for letting Jewish people know that it's OK to pray for the Jewish homeland. I didn't mean to offend the Jews with talk of being part of a Jewish people... And we pray for the soldiers. I’m praying that I don’t have to deal with congregants.
And although it’s not American, we pray for America... This congregation turns me into an anti-Semite. I am getting to the point where I can't stand Jews... Because your political correctness is anti-Semitic. Your not being allowed to hate anybody somehow allows you to hate the Jewish people. And therefore, I hate you. I am starting to think that this thought I am having might bring Shalom...
Praying for Jews as Jews is fine. Jews being safe is part of Shalom. Peace.
Do you see the H' watching over us.  Can you feel it... I understand the board ruins recognition of Gd, and renovations...

Jews do something good, we get blamed... Israel leads an attack on a regime that’s been trying to kill us for forty-seven years, they get blamed.
If Israel doesn’t attack, they get blamed. I think they're confusing Israel with President Trump.
We’re still getting blamed for a genocide we didn’t do. We get blamed for stuff other people are trying to do to us. Kind of like what I have to deal with when it comes to the cost of Macaroons... I know they're expensive. I didn't do it. And yes. You are correct. Manischewitz are the ones targeting civilians...

What are we inviting people to share in? If it's not something enjoyable, that doesn't bring good. Hearing Shlomi sing, that doesn't bring peace. Hearing Shlomi overriding the Chazin doesn't help anybody recognize Gd during Kedusha. Nobody wants to join in that sacrifice of hearing his harmony...
The Chazin is painful enough. We don’t need you too. Nowhere in the Torah is there a suggestion to bring a voluntary offering of peace with Shlomi singing... Because that would chase everybody away from the Temple. Your harmony slows down Davening. And you can’t call it harmony. You’re louder than the Chazin. The Chazin is singing the song to your harmony. You threw him off. He thought you were the melody. That's how loud you are... Because you were louder... Melody is supposed to be louder. It’s not called melodizing. It's called harmonizing... You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you...
Sometimes it's sharing food. Sometimes is sharing a good song that brings peace. Sometimes it's Shlomi not singing...

The congregation wished you a Yashkoyach. Because they thought you were the one in charge. Sitting in your seat and running the Davening. Some even asked the Chazin to stop bothering your singing. They said he was rude for leading Davening.
You're not sharing your voice. Nobody wants to hear your voice. You're taking... Then you're sharing your voice too much. It's like overstuffing us with your sacrifice. It kind of turns it into us having to sacrifice for you. We don't feel the peace.

Ramban teaches the Karban Shaleim brings peace because of the wholeness of it. The one bringing the sacrifice is motivated not by a need for atonement but by a sense of wholeness.
It's pure praise. Pure wanting to give back. Something nobody in this shul does... It’s the full connection with H’ in the form of giving that brings peace. What it would be like to have that serenity of wholeness. A whole vacation away from here. Without having to deal with the board... The sisterhood giving back is a different conversation. It's almost as bad as Shlomi giving of his voice during Davening...

You give. You sacrifice. That brings wholeness. It brings all godliness together.
Shaleim, whole, is H'. Shalom. Karban Shelamim... It's not a pun.

When you're whole you can recognize Gd. And that comes from connection with others. Serving H' together. Without the Minkowitz family... And I understand if you don't want to connect with the other members at Kiddish. I hate our congregants too...

It’s the Minkowitz's fault. Probably bringing a turtle dove to sacrifice at the Temple... You can’t share a turtle dove. Maybe the Minkowitzs would find a way to split it up onto five teacup holders... A Shelamim has to feed people. It can't be a bird. You don't satisfy a community with a Cornish hen...
If the Minkowitzs gave us some chocolate covered almonds, we would find peace. Even if they got it on sale at Costco. That would bring recognition of H'... 
Chocolate covered almonds could bring peace to the Middle East... I know it costs a lot. If you stopped thinking about your money, and purchased everything for Pesach, there would be peace...

Rivka's Rundown
And we learned how peace works. It comes through chocolate covered almonds on Pesach. It is through chocolate covered almonds that we may recognize H'. And not through people singing in our shul. Not having to do the Musaf prayers with Shlomi and our Chazin brings recognition of H'.

The rabbi said he wasn't going to talk about the Third Temple, as he doesn't want any of our heretic members to tape him. To quote, "I don't want to end up on Tucker Carlson for loving H.'"

I’m just happy the Minkowitzs never invite me. I don't need to be invited to not eat. I'm a bad enough cook as it is. I don't have to go out to eat nothing.
The rabbi is right. If we had a good dinner, there’d be peace. If somebody made a decent couscous.

Now we know why you're supposed to lose all of your money on Pesach to food. It brings Shalom.
I am going broke just on the Matzah. Ever since our rabbi said we had to get the Shmura Matzah, I can’t eat anything on Pesach, other than Matzah. It turns out I don’t eat Gibruktz because I don’t have the money to make Matzah balls. After the Shmura Matzah purchase, I couldn't get eggs. Gibruktz is adding liquid to Matzah. I can’t afford the water bill.
I’m not looking forward to Seder night. People are always talking about how good the Matzah is. And it is, because people talk so much at the Seder, we’re starving by the time we eat it. I’m just thinking, about the Mitzvah of Matzah and how it bankrupt my bank account.
Matzah is known as a poor man's bread and I am extremely poor right now.

It seems like we have congregants that want Americans and Israelis to die. They want Sharia law for Jews. They feel that as Jews it's more important to keep Ramadan than Shabbat. I'm of the feeling that if they were worried about being hung for not following their Jewish laws, they would all keep Kosher.
They are offended if you say you’re Jewish. We have members of our shul that apologize for being Jewish. I was told, "Shabbat Shalom. I'm sorry for saying that."
I can’t even go to the grocery store without getting blamed for my Jewishness. It's like a sin. "What did you do? You're Jewish." I have to stop walking around with my half foot diameter Jewish star necklace.

"You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you." That hurt.
Shlomi was loud. It's true. I said "Amen" to him. Not to the Chazin. I even told the Chazin he was interrupting. I genuinely thought Shlomi was leading.
He said it was harmony, but he was louder than the Chazin. I think the rabbi was right. When you can't hear the melody, at that point, you're melodizing.

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off. 

These questions were asked at my Seder last night from first time Tu BShvat Seder attendees who were confused it wasn't a Pesach. 
We had a lot of questions at our Tu BShvat Seder. People heard Seder and they thought they’re supposed to interrupt. Here are some of the questions they asked at our Tu BShvat Seder when I was trying to move past the dried apricots portion. We had already connected to Gd through Mishmish.

What happened to only having one Seder?
Why did the Jews leaving Egypt only have one Seder, until the Kabbalists came along?
Isn’t the Pesach Seder long enough?
Did Gd split a date tree too?
We live in Rochester. Is there another Seder tomorrow night too?
Why do we only tell the date joke this night?
Why do people repeat the date joke about getting dates more than once on this night, when on all other nights date puns are annoying?
Why are dates hurting my stomach?
Why are we using plastic dishes and plastic cups for our Seder?
How does plastic dishes on a plastic tablecloth celebrate trees?
Is there anything that is not plastic here to celebrate the earth?
Where does plastic grow?
Why are children not asking questions?
Why have four questions just come from a twenty-eight-year-old? Does she not know where plastic grows?
Where are the kids?
Why didn’t anybody tell me that Seders are not just for Pesach? I was wondering why we’re celebrating so early.
Should I get my Haggadah? If I would've known, I would've brought my Haggadah.
Why do you think I spent twelve hours cleaning for Tu BShvat?
Why did I make my house Kosher for Tu BShvat and throw out all my meat and dairy products if I didn’t have to?
Why didn’t you tell me there was no commandment to burn all non-vegetarian food?
If it’s a Jewish holiday, shouldn’t we at least have Tam Tams?
Were we slaves to dried fruit?
Did the Jews in Egypt also get stomach cramps from dried apricots?
Thank you for leaving the four cups of wine in. Is wine what makes it a Seder?
​Why is it on this night that we have a Seder with no brisket?
And where are the Tam Tams? I miss those things on Pesach. 
Why do Tam Tams look like Matzah, but they're not Matzah?
Why is wine the only part of the Seder that is similar to the Passover Seder?
Was this Seder an excuse to drink?
Is that why the Arizal came up with this Seder?
Why did he not just drink and call it a Farbregen? That sounds like a religious thing.
Then why are we drinking four cups of wine? 
If this is Pesach, we're eating too many legumes?
Is this Pesach? I'm still confused.
We didn't do the apricot portion of the Seder last Pesach. Did we still fulfill the telling of the story of leaving Egypt?
Why on this night is the salt not in water?
Why on this night are all nuts not salted?
What happened to salted almonds and cashews?
Why do I like salted nuts?
Why did you not serve those?
Why do almonds not taste that great without salt?
What is a Mishmish?
I'm very confused already. Why do I have to learn Hebrew names of vegetation now?
Why did nobody answer any of my questions get answered?

That last question didn't get answered either. They also didn't explain that this isn't a Pesach Seder, and we don't encourage questions when we're focused on eating dried figs.

On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Liberals are left leaning. We lean to the left at the Seder. Leaning to the left. They both have that in common. If tradition would be to lean to the right on Pesach, he would've eaten a conservative portion of Matzah. A whole different pun. But the same amount of Matzah. Which brings us to unity. Left-wing and right-wing people eat the same amount of Matzah. It makes no difference who you voted for.

What’s a lion’s favorite part of the Seder? MaRoar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Maror is the bitter herbs we eat at the Seder. Roar with a Ma. Wanted to help you prepare for Pesach with a thought about lions to share at the Seder, when discussing the four sons and why we eat salt water. To bring some meaning to your holiday.

Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was hoarse. It had a sore throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish, but hoarseradish. If you didn’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true.
 
The bird egg landing on his head and he said it was a blessing. "The yolk of Heaven." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Religious people accept upon themself the yoke of Heaven. This was the yolk. Yolk of Heaven. The egg of heaven. Sometimes you have to try hard to get a pun. Never give up.
 
What do you call it when somebody gives bread to the shul? A doughnation. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People give donations. Here it's a doughnation, because there is dough. Sounds the same. It should be the person is giving uncooked bread to the shul. Could even be cake. A not fully baked cake. That would also be a doughnation. Money is sometimes called dough, so this pun has many meanings. Is it a doughnation of money? That's for you to decide.

They were doing illegal substances on Lag BOmer around what they called their bongfire. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bonfire. Bongfire. Smoking up. Stuff you shouldn’t be doing, even if it is Lag BOmer. Don’t do drugs. Sometimes, the message is more important than the pun.

Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read.

***If we've learned anything, when reading puns, you can't always focus on the spelling. Only when the pun makes sense without the use of the pun, then you have to focus on the spelling. This I knows.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.

We finish getting rid of Chametz before Pesach by Bitul, nullifying it and saying it is the dust of the earth. That part does not get your house cleaner. People still see the dirty kitchen. You can't just say, "It's not there. I Bituled it. Nullyfied. Grease on the wall is not there. Bituled. If you see anything, like cookie droppings on the floor, it's dust of the earth." The guests will still notice the dust ball. You can't start telling people, "That Challah over there. That's just dust." It's not a magic trick of "Wallah. Not there anymore. Grape juice stain?! Gone. Don’t even see it. All I see is dust." I've seen some of your homes. Rabbinic cleaning does not suffice for sanitation.
I’m never hiring a rabbi to clean my house again. That was a scam… Whoever came up with this Halacha was trying to get out of helping around the house.

You must search and destroy Chametz. And people think Frum Jews don’t go to war. Put Chametz in front of them. See what happens to the leaven. They will attack. It's a command... It's not a joke. They're using military grade. Get close to oven Shpritz and see what happens.

(Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember.(Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. So we remember that by getting grape juice all over our clothes. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts all over the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over their button-downs.

(Shulchan Aruch OC 261:2) Some say we must add time from weekday to Shabbis, known as Tosefet Shabbat. This gives us more time to eat and get heavier. There is not always enough time to eat a full eight pound brisket over Shabbis proper. Or you can add less. As long as you add some time to Shabbat. The Shulchan Aruch could've started with this. I wouldn't have protested this idea of adding onto a twenty-five-hour day if they started with "you just can't start Shabbat after Shabbat started." The twenty-five-hours is enough adding onto not watching TV. It would be good to know who the rabbis were that said you can do less. They would've had a lot of supporters.
Rama says you can start Shabbat from Plag HaMincha (one and a quarter Halachik hours before sunset). Some people will do anything to get out of work. This is what holy people do. They add onto Shabbat and they don’t work. Because they love H'.

Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat.
Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate.

We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris.
 
Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi.
 
Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there.
 
Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?!

(Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???!
Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated...

Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back...
It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly.
People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day...

Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that.

Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative...

Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder...
Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your...
How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons.
We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo.
You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now.

You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son...

Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz...
Is everybody back.
Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned...
It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah.

How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce...

It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too...
Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time...

If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting...
(Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul.
If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership.

That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark!
It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job...
There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan.

Rivka's Rundown
Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together.

They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?”
After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon.

The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them."

I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder.
I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp.

Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah.

Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran.

The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing.

The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels.
Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved.

The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima.
They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul.
This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety."

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. 
Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions.

Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early.

The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that.

Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin...

(Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards....
There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy...

Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody.
The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens.

You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community...

So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together...
We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism.
I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie.
I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition...

People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition.
People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening...

You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody.
The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast...

Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed...
The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood.

We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder...
You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace....

We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood.
You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it...
This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it.

The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good.
Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned.

The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him.

Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him.
He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing.

The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. 

Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked.
The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown.

Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow.
I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her.
They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life.

I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive.

The goal before Pesach is to get rid of all Chametz. There is a positive commandment to clear your house of Chametz and to worry about it for a good half a year.
Now that we’ve discussed shpritzes as we did last year, it's time to discuss other methods of cleaning and getting rid of Chametz before Pesach. You must shpritz everything. Nonetheless, there are other aspects of cleaning that might work for you. Here are some of them.

The Worry Technique
You should be worrying about cleaning. The is the first step in cleaning. Worry. This includes daily discussions with your spouse about what you're going to do. The focus should be on what has not been done. In conversation form it is, "What are we going to do?!!!!!"
The first thing you need is time. You need to spend at least three months cleaning for Pesach to do it correctly. And you need to worry. Any moment of non-movement should be of concern. You should've started worrying right after Sukkot. That should give you enough time to plan the vacuuming of the living room.
The Overworry Technique is used by many as a hint that you want to go to a hotel for Pesach and sell your home. Even if that means selling your home at pennies on the dollar, at fifteen dollars.

The Eating Technique
This method of cleaning is good for those who don't like throwing stuff out and don't care about weight. Those who understand that no matter how much they take off, Pesach will add forty pounds. And that's from one box of Matzah.
Eating whatever you can, also helps with ridding your home of past due date items. If you're willing to consume cake from 2019, then now is the time to finish off the Green's Babka. Still tastes amazing. The 2006 mandel bread might've come hard, which is confusing when it's still hard and stale twenty years later. No matter how hard it is, that doesn't make it is kosher for Pesach. Even if it has a Matzah-like texture.
This is also a good chance to find some use for the Mishloach Manot. The Purim gift baskets with lemon wafers and poppy seed Hamentashen that your friends baked by accident. Which somehow ended up by you.
We do suggest to not shpritz your pastries with the lemon shpritz, even if it looks tasty with that lemon on the bottle. We cannot vouch for the Kashrut of toxins.
 
The Children Technique
You had children for a reason. Use them. Use the children to mop the floor. This method of cleaning makes it a family experience, and helps save money. It also goes well with grounding due to Pesach preparation anger.
I'm not saying to flip over a child and scrub. Get them to mop the floor for you. This is a good chance to finally get your unhelpful children to clean. At Jewish schools, they will learn about the importance of getting rid of Chametz and feel a religious obligation. Take advantage of this by telling them stuff is Chametz. You can practice now: "The mantel is Chametz, Dust it." "The chair needs a shine, it is Chametz. Shpritz it for Pesach." "Your room is Chametz. Fold your pants and put them in the drawer. And shpritz them for crying out loud."
I grew up thinking that windows had to be cleaned because there might be Chametz on the glass. I never ate off a sliding glass door, but I felt like I was doing a positive commandment by using blue spray on them. I also mowed the lawn a few times, thinking "grass that is shorter is not considered Chametz." I cut the grass and then sprayed it down.
 
Throw Stuff Out Technique
This includes all the art your kids brought back from school this year. Just tell them it's Chametz. I'm trying to help. It will make you all feel better when you get rid of the paper mache. The drawing of the family is Chametz. The fact that your child views you as a stick is enough of a reason to put it in the Chametz pile.
And the macaroni necklace, disgustingly ugly. Business in these Jewish day schools is down when you have to start making fine jewelry out of pasta. If they made macaroon necklaces, that would be beautiful and Kosher for Pesach.
I used this technique right after I got Mishloach Manot from the Schwartzmans. I took the poppy seed Hamentash and threw it in the trash. Right in front of them. And I told them I also make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to throw stuff out. As a Jew, recycling is not your concern. Mitzvahs are your concern. And there is a Mitzvah to use disposable dishware. At least that's one of the Passover commandments.

Right now, the fact that you're reading this and not cleaning should have you worried. If you're not worrying, you're definitely doing something wrong. And that is, not worrying.
Next time we will discuss the final steps of cleaning, which are properly done with a feather. If you're finished cleaning, you should now be worried you didn't clean enough.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny.
 
He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line.
 
The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt.
 
On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah.
 
Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin)
You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah.

We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal)
You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier.
 
The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.)

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.

Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already.

Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office.

To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival.

We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate.
You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word.

Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city.
The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad.

When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting...

I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel.

(Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt...

After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something...

You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei...
It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie.

It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach.
Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot...
The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy...

Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel.

We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul...

Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that.
You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul...

LaAzazel.

You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem.
I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious...

To Azazel Bert.

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel.

I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though.

The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah.
Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. 

Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat.
I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more.
We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later.
The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier.

I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings.
The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad.
It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience.

Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming.
But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish.

Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean.

You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning.
 
Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year.
It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market.
 
The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim.
 
We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you...

We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician...

(Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club...
Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish...
You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel.

Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts.
Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops...

And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying...

OK. I'll take questions...
Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs...

The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on...
I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach...

You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake...
Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves...

You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows.

The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community...
Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you...

What are my sources? The Torah.

Rivka's Rundown
The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year.

Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave.
Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids.

The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism.

They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon.

Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true.
The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’

I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good.
I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them.

The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.'

I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more.
Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude.
What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.'
How these kids are allowed to take all the food...
I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays.

I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical.

I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now.
Martha's Cleaning Service now hates Jews.

This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start.
 
Mah Nishtana
The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars.
They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again.
I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!'
 
Questions That May Come Up During the Seder
Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.'
One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?'
It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah.
 
Slavery
Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket.
Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs.
My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement.
Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew.
 
The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night
A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours.
'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?'
 
Four Sons
The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner.   
Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes.
'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?'
 
Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech
Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica.
Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later.
I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker.
 
Deep Talk of Redemption
Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again.

The Ten plagues
What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?!
To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?'
Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim.
Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth.
Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this.
 
Now We Praise Gd
Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage.
And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off.

Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them.
 
We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching.
 
We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz.
We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt.
 
We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure...
The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara...

What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei?
(Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.'
If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section...
That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup.

(Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure.
White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei.

How do we separate. Separation done properly...
Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis...
You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night.
I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation.

If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise...
Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling.
A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids.

It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder...
Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation.
The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach...
There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool...

We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be.
The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win...
You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about.

And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice...
Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham.
Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.'

The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading.
I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant.
Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint.

The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey.
Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety.

The kids are loud at shul.  I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi.
They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy.

Max does page ruffle too. He's loud.

Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz.

The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried.

In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning.

Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach
Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it.
A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible.
 
Do Not Eat the Sprays
Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine.
Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry.
Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah.
 
Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz
You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles.
You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it.
Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue.
‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches.
 
Strong Sprays for Grease
Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it.
 
Other Uses for Shpritz
If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover.

Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.