Jewish Puns XV: Mordechai’s Shivim Panim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement.
 
All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai)
You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network.
 
Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd.
 
Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.'
 
What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser.
 
Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon.
 
Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood.