In last month's lesson we discussed the historical development of the obligation to eat fifteen hours every Shabbat. But how did the rabbis ensure we would not take off weight once Sunday came around.
To note, this an appendix to last month's historical work. This is not a piece about your abdomen. I'm not privy to the history of your intestines.

Modern Problems of the Summer and Diet
The people do things and the rabbis have to create what's known as a Geder. A fence around the Jewish law to ensure the Jewish people remain steadfast in Torah and heavy.
People may put on weight on Shabbat. Even so, Shabbat has its limitations as it's only one day a week.
It happened one summer where Jews were going to the Catskills. Women started what is known as walking groups. With these groups, they did what is known as walks. This is the problem with women not learning Halacha. The Rav of Woodbourne proclaimed, "I agree. Our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. If the women only learned Jewish law, they would not be this slim." Rav Nasan Himelwitz agreed. "The more time spent learning Torah, the less walking they will do." And this is how Modern Orthodoxy started.
And then Malkie came up with this idea of what is known as a diet plan. It was clear Malkie did not get this from Torah. Nowhere in the Bible does Gd mention a diet plan. To this day, rabbis question if Yom Kippur was a mistake.
Jews were taking off weight. Shabbat couldn't compete with this heretical idea of a diet. Arguments were had about this new concept known as health.
People were questioning if thin people were even Jewish. "I don’t think Malkie’s keeping Shabbis," was heard back in the Shtetl. The lack of food was concerning. Pogroms were at a stand still. To quote Vlad, "What happened to all of the food?! What happened to the Jews?! There's nothing to pillage here."
The rabbis declared, "If one does not have diabetes and back pain, we must check their Jewish roots." 
And so they checked. It turned out Malkie was Jewish. Unbeknownst to our sages, even people with Jewish ancestry could slim down if they didn't eat. It was all disheartening.

The Response to Diets
Something had to be done to bring Jews back to their divinely ordained weight. The rabbis realized that people walking during the week was inevitable. So, they focused more on Shabbat. The rabbis declared all shuls have what is known as Kiddish. This is also known as a Shabbat Kiddish luncheon in non-religious communities, as they eat less and are not as good of Jews. The Kiddish luncheon is where you eat lunch before lunch. Not being in the location of lunch, this added an extra hour of Shabbis eating. Done in standing formation for many years, in mid2004 many rabbis instituted the sit down Kiddish to slow down the metabolism. I'm sorry if the chronology is off a little. Give or take eight hundred years. It's somewhere within that time-frame that this all happened.
This was all confusing, as Kiddish is the blessing on wine. Why the rabbis couldn't come up with a different name for Kiddish, other than Kiddish, is still a discussion amongst our sages. Nonetheless, the rabbis found a way to get more hours of eating out of Shabbat. 
They did what they could to fight this summer diet plan and walking. But it was still not enough.

Simchas and Siyums
The weeks still came and the rabbis had no idea what to do. “What can we do once Shabbis is over? How do our people eat during the week?” That was how the question was asked. The question wasn't phrased, "What's the deal with food?" So, they made it a Mitzvah to eat at every happy occasion. Simchas was thus developed. Hy shouted, "It's a Simcha. So, we'll call it a Simcha." And that's how Simchas got their name.
One rabbi fought happiness with a prayer known as Tachnun. And then the rabbis made the Tachnun prayer of supplication real long. This mournful focus, and painful length of the prayer had people depressed and not eating. To quote Shlomo, "Why when Davening is longer, do we have a longer Tachnun? It makes no sense."
In response to the pain, the rabbis declared, "When there is a Simcha, one must not say Tachnun." Following this decree, Jews found a way to celebrate everything. A Bris, a wedding, a kid putting on Tefillin for the first time, the youngest in the family playing Abba Shel Shabbat at Hebrew school. They even celebrated learning. Anybody finishing learning something, they called it a Siyum, which required one to eat cake. The rabbis were not going to let Tachnun and the keto diet corrupt their people.
A Siyum party used to require one learn a Tractate of Gemara. But we needed more celebrations. So, the standard for Siyum was toned down. They said, learning a book of Mishna is enough. One guy learned about The Battle of Gettysburg. He called it a Simcha. They pulled out schnapps and Kichel, and had a Siyum. Celebrated it. Not one rabbi batted an eye.

The Siyum was an old tradition that the rabbis made a point of bringing back to the community by making learning more accessible with English translations. Artscroll was behind this. Back in Spain, in 1459, it got to the point where learning a chapter of Chumash was enough for a Siyum. The rabbis already knew back then, that only through Siyums could Jews get fatter while learning. They had Siyums every morning.
How the cake requirement became a thing is of much historical debate. Yet, all rabbis agree that the one who came up with that has a "place in heaven next to the Heavenly throne."

Fast Days and Mourning Periods
People thought to lose weight during the days leading up to Tisha BAv, by keeping Jews away from meat. But the people found a way around this with festive meals of mourning. Jews even started learning a lot of Torah, just so they could have a Siyum and eat meat. As it is written, "There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than a festive meal dedicated to the destruction of the Temple and not saying Tachnun." One could never outdo the joy of not saying Tachnun.
And then the rabbis declared, "One must enjoy Yahrzeits too." So, every shul required its members to bring schnapps and sponge cake to celebrate death.

Even with the celebratory meals of suffering, fast days were an issue for a few years until our leaders came up with the idea of a break-fast. Where you have to break the fast by eating. Then, the most celebrated rabbi, known as Rebbe, created what we know as The Seudah Mafseket, the meal of stopping, where you gorge before the fast. Using the Hebrew terminology "Seudah" made it a Halachik requirement. As Rebbe said it in Hebrew, no one could argue. It was in Hebrew, and thus held Halachik weight. Hence, canonized. Now, we eat a lot before and after a fast, to put on weight. Our rabbis of great knowledge and Ruach HaKodesh, divine spirit, found a way to ensure we get fat during fasts. 

People Kept Taking Off Weight
The rabbis saw people were still taking off weight. It might have been the summer heat. It might have been the loss of Raisel Chana's choolante recipe. Generations will never know.
The rabbis started telling people about this thing they have, known as a Neshama Yeteira. An extra Shabbat soul. A crafty move, they told people that the extra food on Shabbat goes to their extra soul. The people caught onto this when they realized that souls don't burn calories. Nonetheless, you can't argue with your rabbis, so everybody got fatter. And the Neshama Yeteira now stays all week.
For some reason, the Neshama Yeteira also puts on weight at Simchas and Siyums. I noticed my Neshama Yeteira getting fatter over Tisha BAv.
And when you're not eating on Shabbat, you must do an Oneg and delight in Shabbat by eating more on Shabbat. Which in Meah Shearim, translates as popcorn. And this ensures your Neshama Yeteira will at least add a pound a week. And the extra Shabbat soul has a very slow metabolism. 

Historical Lesson For All Jews
How Yom Kippur made it into the Torah is still a Halachik anomaly. 
How the Siyum is a Simcha, we still don't know. But it allows us to eat more during the Nine Days. And that's what matters.

With more and more people moving to Israel, the rabbis have done all they can to fight the Middle Eastern Diet. Just seeing the word diet has caused an uproar. And it was this Middle Eastern Diet that is the foundation of the Charedi community, and the refusal of the ultra-orthodox to join Tzahal.
And now, with all the necessary walking one needs to get around Jerusalem, our rabbis are trying to find ways to add whatever they can to pita. Thus, packing on more calories. They developed the falafel, forcing people to put their salad in bread. As Yankel said, "It's a start." Recently, they've developed the concept of Chipsim, where fries are made soggy enough to squish into the salad that's in the pita. And Yankel received his Olam Haba, world to come, in one moment.

And the number one way to keep one at the religiously ordained weight is still learning Torah and Halacha. To this day, when people learn Torah, it's always in a sitting position. No tradition has started to learn Torah on the bench press. 

Recently, the rabbis came out against "fat shaming" to help encourage proper Middot and that our people eat more.
And then the rabbis declared Kosher food most have a lot of salt.

It is a hot summer, and I am here to help. Summers get hot, which is why some say to skip it. Nonetheless, for the foreseeable future, there will be summers.
As an American Jew, I have tried to figure out ways to stay out of the sun. I even moved to Israel. That didn't help. Even so, I try.
For you, I spent time in The Mountains, The Catskills, to study the Jewish community’s techniques for staying out of the sun. The Frum American community of Ashkenazik descent has discovered countless instruments for sun defense, and fair skin preservation. And now, as a pale Jew, I bring you my findings.
 
The Baseball Hat Technique
Used by Jews to ward off anti-Semites, this sun protection device doubles as a Kippah decoy. You’re already wearing a head covering, might as well be a baseball hat. Truth be told, a baseball hat is a yarmulke with a visor.
According to many, Hank Greenberg is the greatest Jewish hitter of all time. But who’s to say Hank Aaron is not Jewish? And Dave Parker? Real name, David Parker. Probably put on the baseball hat to hide from anti-Semites. Is Joseph DiMaggio Jewish? I can't tell you. But I wouldn't be surprised if his real last name is Dimagkowitz. The answer to these questions and more can be seen in my new book, Those Who Hid Their Religion Under a Baseball Hat.
Joseph Ortiz, need I say more.
 
Huge Umbrella Placement
Go to the beach and find shade. It's almost impossible. Hence you bring an umbrella. With a huge umbrella you can go to the beach and not have to experience the beach. It’s the best of both worlds.
During the summer we use gigantic umbrellas. Tradition is to use small umbrellas in the fall. There is less sun in the fall. We can deal with rain. In rain, you wear a bathing suit.
Be careful with your huge umbrella. They’re hard to carry. I tried carrying one myself, and the wind took me. Walking groups have developed in many communities for this reason.
You’ll see women walking together. This is just in case sun comes out and they need to transport an umbrella safely.
 
Wet Towel Meothod
I don’t know what wetting the towel does for sun protection. However, it definitely keeps you colder for much longer when you come out of the pool. Pneumonia will also keep you out of the sun.
 
Wide Brimmed Fedora
Style is about a bigger brim. I don’t understand people who go to the beach with thin brims. If you’re going to block out the sun, wear a Borsalino with some body on it.
 
A Hat with a Flimsy Brim and Anything You Can Find Technique
You take any hat, then you add a cross between a net and a towel, and some kind of material on the back of it, so your neck doesn’t get burned and you can’t see. You don’t want your eyes getting hit by the sun either.
People add whatever they can once they are wearing a fully brimmed floppy hat. Once they wear the floppy brim, they accept that sun safety is of upmost importance. A sunburn will not happen, nor will meeting a potential spouse.
Once you’re free from the burdens of style, you can add anything you want. I’ve seen pillows, blankets, placemats. Whatever people can carry on their head to protect them from the sun is acceptable. I've seen many with kitchenware.

Winter Clothes Method
Layers. They always say you want to wear layers. Hence, Frum Jews wear layers during the summer. We are very good at taking instruction.
Winter clothes during the summer works as a natural sunscreen. You also look better in winter clothes. People always look so heavy during the summer in short sleeves and bathing suits. Layers will help you look like the one Frum guy who's in shape at the pool.
In addition, with a sweater you take off more weight in the sun. This helps with the summer svelte figure you’ve been working on. Now you can show up to shul at the bungalow, looking slender in the Bekishe, Shtreimel and scarf. Even more, you save money, focusing on one wardrobe.
If you're not sweating, the sun will get you.

Squint System
Devout people squint. Good Jews don’t wear sunglasses. They squint.

Go Out at Night
Do everything during the evening and squint. The street lights can have a sunlike affect.
Stay up all night and pray at sunrise. Usually, it’s the devout that pray Shacharit at this time. During the summer, it’s those trying to stay out of the heat.

Don't Picnic Technique
Also known as The Eat Inside Method, and The I Would Rather Not Have Flies on My Pastrami System, you won't get sunburned in your den.
I didn’t witness one picnic amongst Jews. Picnicking is the easiest way to burn yourself while eating, sitting outdoors. You might as well eat straight off a grill. How people are eating with a huge umbrella in hand is another thing I am trying to figure out.
As there is no way to enjoy your food while holding up a huge umbrella, there is no way to not get burnt while eating on the ground. When Frum Jews eat on vacation, we wait till we find the pizza shop. There is no sun there. And if they're a classy pizza place, they put out the Italian picnic decorative cloth. Italians seem to like the feeling of picnicking

Mid-Article Education Moment
The Don’t Picnic Technique developed because Jews like eating off tables, and not on bed sheets. We have to save the bed sheets for under flimsy hat placement.
Good Jews like chairs detached from tables. If we have a table, we don’t want it being attached to a bench. We want to be able to sit. The foot hole to get your body into the picnic bench is unattainable for the religious Jew. It takes too much stretching and agility. That's not something we work on. At the Tish, the only movement is the forward backward sway, while holding onto another's arms, just in case you fall. I myself never took acrobatics at Yeshivat Chofetz Chaim all boys high school.
 
Do Not Exercise
Why walk when you can get a sunburn, which is very not healthy.
The No Movement Technique for avoiding the sun is the healthiest. And you’re already getting a good shvitz from the winter clothes.

I hope you learned as much as I did from studying my Jewish brethren and sisteren in The Catskills. Now, I shall make it through the summer. Hopefully, this will help you make it through the Israel winter. You might need more sun protection for that.
If there is one important takeaway of value, it's how Jewish women formed walking groups to ensure there was help with carrying the huge umbrellas.
 
I will try to help with more techniques next year. 

So. We shall begin the Jewish Dictionary of Frum Words with Hebrew words that begin with 'A.' With that in mind, we will only get up to Amnon's today.

Ad Journal- a) A way to say "mazel tov" for $1,600. Sentence: "We should get to know less people in this community. They're honoring everybody. I'm going to be friends with people nobody likes." See Fundraiser and Day School for why I can’t afford to be Jewish in America, and why my accountant suggested I convert. b) What smart people use for advertisement. Proper Use of Ad Journal: "We at Shloimy's Deli want to wish the Simchavitz family a Mazel Tov on being honored for knowing people and loving our hot corned beef on club with Russian dressing, also known as The Simchavitz. Come on down to Shloimy's in honor of the Simchaviz's to get your hot corned beef Simchavitz style this week, 20% off. A Mazel Tov sandwich."

Accountant- A job that people have, some of whom are Jewish.

Airplane Food/TV Dinner- What Frum Jews eat everywhere they go, where they interact with not Frum people. This includes, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, banquets, their parents’ home. See Bal Tshuva for how to offend parents. Sentence: "We don’t trust the Hashgacha at the wedding. Please bring us the TV Dinner…No. We don’t want the London broil. We enjoy our cuisine vacuum-packed. Good till 2038."

Al Hamichiyah- a) A prayer you say because you want to eat baked grains and fill yourselves up without having to say the long prayer after dinner. Sentence: ‘We had crackers for supper, because we didn’t want to say the Birkas Hamazon. That prayer is too long. I would rather starve than thank Gd that much for bread. I appreciate bread, but not that much. I like the Al Hamichiyah. I like to thank Gd a little.’ b) A prayer you forget to say after you eat.

Aleiynu- a) One of the few prayers everybody knows, because it comes at the end of Davening, when you show up to shul. b) A prayer that has a bowing segment. People bow very low, because they don’t want to get whacked by the people who are folding their Tallis by swinging it, intentionally at my eye. At the end of the prayers, people fold up their Tallis shawls, which have tassels on the corners, and not one of these people is concerned with my safety.

Aliyah- a) Getting called to the Torah. For good Frum Jews it has nothing to do with Israel. b) An honor that shuls give people in order to blackmail them into giving money to the congregation. Sentence: "I got an Aliyah this past Shabbis, and then they made me say I will give a donation. The amount was announced in front of everybody... They gave me an envelope. No stamp. I guess I have to pay for that too. I haven’t used stamps in years." Alternative Sentence: "Now I am in debt. They put me on the spot and I didn’t remember that we already gave money to the Ad Journal." c) Another reason to scream at the Gabai and threaten his family. Sentence: "The piece of... didn't give me an Aliyah." And that sentence finishes with, "And now we have money for the vacation down to Florida."

Aliyah LRegel- Heading to Jerusalem on the pilgrimage festivals, in a car. That was cute, for those who know Hebrew. A Bissel Hebrew pun. You see, in Hebrew "regel" means foot. Now read the first line again. Did you read it? Of course, it’s not funny now.

Am HaAretz- a) Anybody who disagrees with the length of time Davening should be. b) Anybody who says that I am speaking Lashon Hara. c) Anybody who wants to sing another Shabbis Zemer. Sentence: "These Shabbis songs are so fun. I would love to do more of them." Sentence by Frum Jew: "I've been singing these songs for years. I've fulfilled my requirement quota of singing during dinner. I don’t want to sing again. This is not Oneg. Shabbis is about enjoyment, not singing a twenty-minute song, you Am HaAretz." d) Anybody who bows too far during the Amidah. Sentence: "This shul thing is really good for my back. Let me do another penitent move. Stretch out those hamstrings."

Amah- How they measured back in the day. They didn’t use measuring tape. They used the forearm. Similar to taking steps to tell distance. As everybody’s elbow to finger length is different, once you started a project, you needed that same guy there at all times. And they had to not grow.  Sentence: "Where is Shlomo? Wake him up. We have to make sure the pillar is a Shlomo Amah... The Nissin Amah won't work. I told you. We're building this Sukkah in Shlomo size. Low ceilings… You should have gotten a grownup. Shlomo hit a growth-spurt last week. Now the building is crooked. We should've never hired him at fourteen. I told you I'm against child labor." See Tefach for other traditional measurements that we do with people’s appendages.

Amazing Savings- a) Where Jews go shopping, because they sell aluminum pans. Either there or at a store that has "Dollar" in it. Sentence: "I trust Amazing Savings. Are you sure the Dollar Store has tins? If not, then what are we shopping for?" b) The name of a store and what you are going to do. Sentence: "I go there because the savings are amazing." Alternative Sentence: "At Amazing Savings nobody calls me cheap. I feel good when I shop there. It's Amazing. And we're all Saving."

Amen- a) Something you are supposed to say a lot at Shul. b) Response of agreement. Sentence: "You put on weight." Response: "Amen." Continuation of Response: "I don’t like you." Retort: "Amen."

Amidah- a) The silent prayer which is said out loud, together, in not Frum congregations. Sentence: "If everybody can please rise for the silent Amidah and repeat after me." See Shmonah Esrei for how we mess up numbers too. b) Something that takes longer the Frumer you are. Sentence: "I think that guy is still in the middle of the Amidah. It's been 12 minutes. He must be very religious. I can't fall asleep standing like that."

Amnon’s Pizza- a) If you don’t know this, you haven’t been to Boro Park, and thus you aren’t really Jewish. Take a trip to Brooklyn and then you can call yourself Jewish. b) What a pizza shop smells like when you keep strong to tradition, and don’t air it out for 40 years.

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.

Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.

The House Should Take Up The Whole Property
Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house.
Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall.
The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build.
 
If You Have A Front Lawn Use It
Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living.
​You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. 
 
Don’t Mow It
Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way.
Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress.
 
Mezuzahs on the Doors
All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites.
 
Renovations Should Be Done Always
You always need additions.
You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money.
There should always be a dumpster in front of your home.
 
Minivan in Driveway
You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum.
 
Other Stuff You Can Do
Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside.
Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning.
Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living.
No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. 
Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best.
 
The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on.

Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
 
Eat Oily Food
The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics.

Use Animal Fat
​Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that.
 
Eat Oilier Latkes
Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious.
 
Give the Children Big Kippahs
Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want.
That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. 

Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke
​Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays.
 
Light up the Electric Candles
This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate.
Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur.
 
Say Xmas
The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit.
 
Purchase Gifts That Mean Something
If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift.

Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring
That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven.
 
Eat More
If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more.
Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. 
When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here.
 
Use Tinfoil
Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil.

Go to a Shul Chanukah Party
Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa.
 
Decorate
All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Never Play Dreidel
Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive.

Sing Hebrew Songs
If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious.
Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht.

To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight.
I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. 

What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
 
A Lot of Kids
You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home.
This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home.

Toys on the Floor
You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum.
 
A Tablecloth
How else are you going to cover the TV?
 
Chandelier in the Dining Room
Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish.

Plastic
Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child.
The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV.
 
A Sign or Picture Showing You East
This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit.

Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters
The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom.
 
A Rebbe on the Wall
If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard.
 
My Living Room Is My Dining Room
I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum.
Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you.
You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room.
What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor.
 
Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It
This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in.
 
Jewish Artifacts
You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity.
 
A Tallit Bag
You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael..
 
Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two
Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner.
 
Sefarim
A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag.
 
Mitzvah Millionaire
I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage.
 
A Mezuzah
That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments.
 
Tin
Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum.
You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better.
 
Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names
You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way.
 
Natlan
The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba.

Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property
Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch.

For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel.

Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. 
Your house should always look like a Shabbis table.​