To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.

Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.

The House Should Take Up The Whole Property
Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house.
Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall.
The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build.
 
If You Have A Front Lawn Use It
Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living.
​You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. 
 
Don’t Mow It
Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way.
Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress.
 
Mezuzahs on the Doors
All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites.
 
Renovations Should Be Done Always
You always need additions.
You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money.
There should always be a dumpster in front of your home.
 
Minivan in Driveway
You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum.
 
Other Stuff You Can Do
Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside.
Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning.
Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living.
No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. 
Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best.
 
The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on.

Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
 
Eat Oily Food
The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics.

Use Animal Fat
​Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that.
 
Eat Oilier Latkes
Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious.
 
Give the Children Big Kippahs
Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want.
That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. 

Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke
​Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays.
 
Light up the Electric Candles
This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate.
Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur.
 
Say Xmas
The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit.
 
Purchase Gifts That Mean Something
If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift.

Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring
That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven.
 
Eat More
If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more.
Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. 
When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here.
 
Use Tinfoil
Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil.

Go to a Shul Chanukah Party
Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa.
 
Decorate
All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Never Play Dreidel
Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive.

Sing Hebrew Songs
If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious.
Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht.

To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight.
I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. 

What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
 
A Lot of Kids
You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home.
This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home.

Toys on the Floor
You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum.
 
A Tablecloth
How else are you going to cover the TV?
 
Chandelier in the Dining Room
Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish.

Plastic
Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child.
The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV.
 
A Sign or Picture Showing You East
This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit.

Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters
The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom.
 
A Rebbe on the Wall
If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard.
 
My Living Room Is My Dining Room
I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum.
Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you.
You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room.
What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor.
 
Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It
This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in.
 
Jewish Artifacts
You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity.
 
A Tallit Bag
You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael..
 
Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two
Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner.
 
Sefarim
A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag.
 
Mitzvah Millionaire
I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage.
 
A Mezuzah
That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments.
 
Tin
Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum.
You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better.
 
Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names
You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way.
 
Natlan
The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba.

Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property
Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch.

For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel.

Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. 
Your house should always look like a Shabbis table.​