Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.

People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.

Decorate It
How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork.
Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations.
Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. 

Eat in It
That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah.

Hang Sticky Tape
 This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well.
I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah.

Bring Out the Food
Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself.
Nobody will help.

Host Sukkah Hoppers
This means to have sweets ready.
Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday.
Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing.

Torah Conversations
That won’t happen. 
Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah.

Sleep in the Sukkah
You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience.

Wave Your Lulav in It
That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark.

Programs
Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers.
Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program.

Dancing this holiday at the Simchat Beit Hashoeva, in the ring of brotherhood on the guy’s side of the synagogue, I felt at home. My hands were on my friend’s shoulders and I was walking around in a circle. Jews dance in a circle, by walking. I can’t wait for Simchat Torah, when I have the chance to walk in circle form, again.
The Simchat Torah ‘Two Handed Torah Lift Carry Torah Touch’ is an exciting dance move, but it is nothing without the circle. All Jewish parties (Simchas), Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, Friday nights when we want prayers to last longer, the dance is in circle form. Because that is how Jews dance, in a circle. It is the people walking that make for the Jewish dance.
Side note: We will not deal with the Middle of the Circle. Do not go in here, until you have mastered the outside circle. It is dangerous in there.
As diverse as the dancing may be, the circle is the root; the circle of community, the outside circle of love. Here are the different outside circles of Jewish tradition and dance:
 
Two Handed Shoulder Hold
​A classic. You can never go wrong following the person in front of you, unless if that person is an Apikores. You place your arms on their shoulders and follow. Wherever they go, you go. It starts in the circle and will usually end in a circle. Sometimes, it will turn into the ‘Train.’ Other times, it will be to the bar. No matter what, you can’t go wrong by holding the guy's shoulders. This dance is also very useful for those who do not have good balance. For those people, I suggest to brace yourself on the shoulders of the person in front of you very tightly.
If the dance leads you to the bar or pole, duck. This is why you should always have your eyes open, even when doing the Two Handed Shoulder Hold.
 
The Hand in Hand
Intimate circle, where hands are held. Another classic. You generally want to join one of these circles with members of your immediate family. Front person should always have their hand on top. Don't make the one leading you supinate their hand. Dancing is not a power game, where you’ve always got the upper hand position on both sides. Don't ruin the enjoyment and make the ring of brotherhood and sisterhood a circle of contorted hands, so that you can feel like you're leading in a new dance where you are the king. It's not about you. It's about the community. You're just causing discomfort, and that makes the whole dancing not fun.
Front person has the upper hand position, always. Circles move faster that way. And be ready for to flip your hands if the circle ever switches directions. Hand placement is the key to any Simcha. Happiness depends on how you hold hands. If your follower ever tries to connect to your hand from above, smack it. I've seen too many of these egotistical Baal Gayvas causing communal hatred.
 
One Hand Shoulder Hold 
Where you put one hand on the shoulder. This shows the versatility of the shoulder dance genre. You can go from two to one hand. This dance allows for more flexibility, as the hand that is free can be raised. Possibilities are endless with the shoulder holds.
No matter what you do, you should always end up in a circle. Even if you go for a forward impromptu step, always fun, you come back to the circle. Like life, the Jewish dance always come back to the circle.
 
Upper Back Hold
This is a variation on the shoulder hold dances. This dance is very useful when you are having a hard time reaching the person in front of you. Generally, this dance is done with the palm on the back. Even so, I have seen it executed with fingers, when the circle was too large and the Simcha was not well attended.
 
The Run Fast
You run fast in a circle. You don’t need to be talented for this, but you do need to be in shape. Be ready for your arm to be pulled out of socket by the guy in front of you. Check to make sure there’s a doctor at this Jewish event before you get involved The Run Fast.
Please know that this is a more advanced movement. ​​For those depending on the guy in front of them for balance, this can be dangerous. Note: Circling may make you dizzy, but I trust you'll get used to it. Start slow. 
 
The Leg Lift
Popularized in the mid-90s, this is where you lift your leg every couple of steps. Kind of like the kick, many people have gotten injured doing this. I suggest to stick to the ‘Two Handed Shoulder Hold’ and walking. Safety comes first. Basically, any dance where you're holding hands can cause injury. With the arms on the shoulders, kicking ability is hampered and that is good.
Do not try to be fancy and kick out to the sides, as that can cause injury to others. For yourself, you will want to stretch before side to sider kicks as well.
Remember, safety is the most important aspect of all dances, which is why you should watch out for any movement. Any dance that involves movement should be avoided. And do not think for one second that you are dancing to burn calories from the smorgasbord. You can’t burn off that much pastry.
 
Next time, we will delve into the Hora styles of not moving while you dance. We will also explore more outside circle techniques, such as how to pick your spot and when to cut into a circle, how to execute the Hassidic Back Forth Tish arm step, how to get in shape for the circle run for weddings of those in their young 20s, how to stand and clap outside the circle, proper etiquette for when to get the circle to change directions by yelling ‘switch,’ and what to do when the ‘train’ starts or the person in front of you pulls you away from the circle, pulling you away from your Jewish heritage.
As long as your hands are placed correctly, you should be good. Holding techniques take time, but you will get them down if you're persistent. Trust in yourself. For now, work on becoming the best Jewish dancer you can be this Simchat Torah, and practice walking.

Announcements
The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah.
 
Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book.
 
Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. 
 
We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board.
Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants…
Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you…
Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal...
They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff.
The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes...
People hear it all. All is heard...
They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do...

The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin...
The heaven and earth are listening. 
The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent...

Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity...
 
(Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up...
You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off...
Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'...
The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?!
If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked...

(Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted...

(Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.'
Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972...
From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul...
I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace...
And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it…
There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it...  H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers...
Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover.
 
If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin...
Good Shabbis. That's H.'
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. 

The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. 
It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much.
The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board.

The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them
'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' 

Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip.
I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't.

Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here.
When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me.
With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel.
 
The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.'

The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel.
No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened.
It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it.
As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync.

I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.'
 
The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf.
The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left.
I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights.
 
Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance.
Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said.

The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. 
It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul.

People think that Jews aren’t handy. Not true. When it comes to the holiday of Sukkot, we pull out that architectural paper and get to work. The people who built the pyramids come to life by showing they can still build, with structures that last eight days.
Here are the four traditional Sukkahs you can build this Sukkot.

Cloth Sukkah
The Cloth Sukkah is traditional Jewish building at its peak.
For construction, you take the pre-tailored cloth and slip the metal pole through the folded over hole that runs through the cloth. This is not a simple one-person job, as the metal pole can easily get stuck in the middle of the cloth. Hence, most traditional architects suggest the builders stick to brick and cement when laying the foundations of a building. They have seen the hazards of cloth building. 
It might sound easy to stick a pole through cloth, but it takes a good half hour to finish this structure. Which is why so many young Jewish children opt out of the building business.
There is no greater feeling of accomplishment as a builder then when you take the hard side of the Velcro and attach it to the soft side of the Velcro. At that point, you know the building is complete. At that point, it's time to crack open that beer. That home is finished. Job well done. You can dwell in that and not get bit by mosquitos.
Great part of this Sukkah is the mesh work on the cloth window slats. This allows for a view of the wall you set up your Sukkah against.
 
Canvas Sukkah
A step up from the Cloth Sukkah in its ability to make noise in the wind.
You do not push the metal slats through the canvas here. For this Sukkah, we use the metal ring construction technique. Making it more complicated, you have to build with string and double knots. You also have to find decent plumbing, as your pipes must be strong. This Sukkah is best built in stormier areas. If you live near tall buildings, this may be a better choice than the Cloth Sukkah. However, make sure you practice tying knots before attempting construction. Anybody with untied shoelaces will not be of help here.
The best part about this Sukkah is that after the holiday, you can use your walls to transfer the leaves from your backyard to the curb.
 
Wood Plank Sukkah
The Wood Plank Sukkah walls are not for the novelist. Even so, it makes for great family memories. If you want the full holiday experience of family hostility, this is the Sukkah for you.
As memories are based in complication, the Wood Plank Sukkah made for my childhood memories, with yells of ‘Where is the B plank.’ My father never marked the planks, and I never knew what the B plank meant. It might have been the A or D plank that my dad was looking for. As I learned later on, it was not about the plank, but rather a chance to shout at me.
Make for family memories and add a level of complication to your holidays. Other ways to make for family memories of holiday antipathy is to live in a building and to have your Sukkah in the building’s courtyard. The 100 meter walk and four flights of stairs to the Sukkah, while carrying soup, will definitely have mom and dad yelling at the children.
 
Home Sukkah
You get rid of the ceiling and you're good to go.
Roofing problems? Hole in the roof? This is your year for a Sukkah. Some people don’t like racoons in their home. Those weak people call the roofer. You put up that Sukkah covering (schach) and you have the most beautiful Sukkot holiday you ever had. You just have to see the wooden lining.
I don't suggest you carve out your living room ceiling for Sukkot. It would be the religious thing to do. However, it will bring up the heating bill this winter.
 
I don't know if they had the Canvas Sukkah in the desert. Though, it would've made sense.
Now it's time to make for some family memories and build with your children, and yell at them. No matter what kind of Sukkah you build, remember that the Sukkah is a place to show our belief that G-d protects us from everything but flies. 

We will bring you more options for Sukkah building next time. Including the Sukkahs with wheels, Clunker Sukkahs, bouncy houses and more modern day Sukkahs like the Lego Sukkah that takes many years of commitment to build.

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

We were not working, because of the holidays. We don't work on the holidays. It's our custom. We will not be funny for you during Sukkot at any point in time, as it is the holiday season and that is forbidden.
Somehow, not working on holidays gets everybody mad at you, even in our all Jewish office.
All staff at the Kibbitzer is angry at the other staff members right now. They're saying the other staff members are lazy, and that's why they're not working on the holidays that they are all keeping. Taking off for the holidays as a whole staff has caused a lot of anti-Semitism amongst the Jews. To minimize co-hatred of Jews in our office, all Kibbitzer staff has agreed to work Sundays. 

One staff member said we should write in the Sukkah. She was called a heretic, and the Jews hated her even more.
Due to nobody getting along, everybody is thinking of starting breakaway magazines, so that they can say that the other magazines are the ones they don't write for.

It was noted to us by our staff that we shouldn’t be writing this piece, as it is a holiday.

As Jews, we dance in a circle. That is our style. Now, with the holiday of Torah Happiness, we dance with a Torah in a circle. The Torah adding a whole new dimension to the circle. Over the years many styles of the Torah hold and Torah grab in circle form have developed.
As a student of different styles of Torah clutching in circle dance, I bring you some of the main Middle Circle Torah Lift Dances, including the Torah hug in a circle. I will not focus on outer-circle Torah dancing, as there is nothing more you can do in the outer-circle than blend in and get outshined by kids on your friends' shoulders.

Two Handed Torah Lift
A flashy move with the Torah. This is where you grab the bottom two handles of the Torah pole and lift the Torah, up and down. Similar to the ubiquitous supinated arm raise, this should always be done with two hands, as nobody wants to fast for 40 days.
The true goal of all Torah dancing is to not drop the Torah. If dropped, all have to fast for 40 days, or not eat during the day and gorge at night. This is why the most important people involved in the Torah dancing are the ones staring at the Torah lifters, praying in anxiety that they don't drop it.

The Torah Bang
Two people take their Torahs in the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air’ dance formation and then bring them towards the middle and have them touch. This can also be done with three or more people. If there are enough people, you can have a whole Torah mosh pit.
When Torah Banging, we do make it a point to not play heavy metal on Simchat Torah, as we do not want people falling or getting beaten up in the name of Simcha dancing. Nonetheless, there is a large community of Torah bangers out there.
I would personally suggest to be more gentle and to go for the Torah Touch dance. It does take more finesse, but it's not as violent. I have noticed that less injuries occur with the touch.

The One Hander
Similar to the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air,’ this is done with one hand. Taken out of the strong man competition, this feat of strength is usually done by circus performers and balancing acts that show up for Shacharit.

The Over the Shoulders Hold
You hold the Torah with one arm, placed over your shoulder, and then you place your other arm in the middle of the circle, with the other two to three people holding Torahs. It is kind of like the 'Hokie Pokie', but you leave your right arm in. You then go around in a circle, with your hands touching each other, because you are all playing for the same team. The team of Torah. This can also be done in the outside circle, by those who don't want to be noticed, but only if it is an ‘Arm on Shoulders’ circle.

The Supportive Torah Lift
You hold onto one of the Torah’s handles and then lift it while supporting the Torah scroll from the middle of the back. You are working as the lifter and the spotter in this dance. It's a double duty, but it has its rewards in the World to Come.

The Torah Hug
You go around in the circle and make sure the Torah doesn’t fall. You just walk around and hug it. It's the most intimate Torah dance, showing your love and affection for the Torah and Gd.
​
The Torah Train
This is for the trailblazer who ventures their dancing out of the circle. I don't suggest this, until you've mastered the inner circle Torah dances and have created a following. Otherwise, it looks more like a trolly.
You surprise the crowd with this by chu-chuing the circle into the train. As the Torah hugger, you are not riding caboose. You are close to Gd and therefore you lead the train. Generally, you want to lead with a two-handed Torah grab, as the over the shoulder Torah hold will end up wacking the guy behind you in the face with the Etz HaChaims (the Torah scroll wooden pole handles).
 
Kid on Shoulder
If you don't have a Torah, you can still be noticed. The child is treated like a Torah. Think of their legs as Poles of Life Handles. 
Sometimes you will use one hand. Sometimes, you have two hands on their legs. I’ve seen parents not use any hands. These people are joining the dancing from the circus. That’s an act. These are the same people lifting Torahs with one hand.
I've seen parents toss their kids in the air. Nobody is worried about the parents dropping the kids. As long as it's not a Torah, nobody cares. Nobody is fasting for a child. 

The Walk Around with Kid on Shoulders
This is where you walk. That’s the dance. The fact that your child is on your shoulders is enough fun for them. There is no need to do any fancy footwork. Showing you're a parent will have people impressed enough.
If you are not part of a traveling circus, keep your hands on your child. I would also suggest to use your hands when carrying the Torah. The balancing on the nose Torah act will have the whole shul passing out of anxiety attacks.

Next time, we will deal with the fifty-inch circumference Sefardic Torah Dances, all consist of the atlas stone hug and placement back on the table. Leaving the Torah on the table is the key to walking out of dancing with a healthy back.
No matter the Torah you are dancing with, I will also prescribe a training program so that you can walk out of Simchat Torah being the talk of the town next year, with your Torah lifting and banging abilities.

​The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday.
Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool.
Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people:
 
Fly Tape
Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening.
 
Honey Bucket with Opening
As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah.
Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah.
The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own.

Christmas Lights
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me.

Fruit
Almost as good as Christmas lights.
Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it.
Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire.
 
Plastic Fruit
We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room.
Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.”
 
Gourds
I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff.
 
Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out
Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it.
 
Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project
You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration.
The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration.
 
Paper Chain
The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it.
The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet.
Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying.
 
Paper That Opens
Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up.
 
Tiki Torches
You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone.

7 Species of Israel
This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees.
 
No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire.

Rabbi Fishel taught the Mishna of Sukkah a few years back, in which it teaches that the Sukkah must be at least 10 fists (tefachim) high and not more than 20 cubits (amot) high. The class lasted many hours, as nobody knew what a cubit meant. Raisel explained what amot are, but nobody understood how that was a cubit, as they were different words. Shlomo said, 'I have never heard anybody measure in cubits. I build all the time and the tape measure doesn't mark a cubit.'
Upon learning the sizes of the Sukkah, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, known as Yankel for the sake of limiting the time it takes to get his attention, threw out the tape measure and broke the shul's ruler. He said, 'We must build this Sukkah according to Halacha, Jewish law.' 
Menachem insisted, 'I have a hand.' And so, they built the shul's Sukkah with Menachem's hand. It was 85 Menachem fists. They stayed away from cubits as that was too confusing.
Questions came into the Wise Men and Women about the new town laws of Sukkah building, and Menachem went from house to house to help them build, as he had a fist.
All knew that Menachem's fist was what you measured with. Menachem was getting calls from all over the province. Calls for bookcases. Calls for correct ladder sizes were coming in. Itzik's Renovations And Moving hired his fist. The local bike manufacturer has his fingers on retainer.

The following year Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana. The Wise Men and Women were stuck. Duvidel said, 'But we all have fists.' To which Bayla yelled, 'You fool. Menachem has a fist. Yes. Do you have Menachem's fist?' And all kicked Duvidel out of the meeting for his foolish ideas.
One townsman had the audacity to build a Sukkah without Menachem's hand. He said that it was the same size as his Sukkah last year. 'How could we be sure of that?' asked Berel the Gabai. Fayge jumped in, 'My Gabai is amazing. He is correct. We don't have Menachem's hand, so how can we know?' The townsman responded, 'They're the same sheets and slats.' But the Wise Men knew that slats can change size.
And that Sukkot was celebrated with no fists, and no Sukkahs.

Epilogue
The following year, Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana again, but one foolish member insisted that the walls were all the same as as they were. There's always one unintelligent new member at the meetings. Menachem wasn't there, so they were the wrong size. Thus, there was a crisis again.
The only other measurement in town was Shlomo. Shlomo insisted that he as a fist. At least he told everybody he did. That met much argument, as his hand is not as big as Menachem's. Raisel was not convinced that Shlomo could measure 40 Menachem fists on all sides. Shlomo's hand business was ruined from then on. Raisel ruined his living.

This past year, one new member of the board proposed using a ruler that he found in one of the children's backpacks. The child was studying in a school that has been banned by the Wise Men and Women since. He knew the dimension in meters. They refused, telling him 'We cannot build this Sukkah without Menachem's fist.' And they kicked him off the board with his ludicrous ideas of heresy. Berel the Gabai announced to all, 'As Jews, we measure with fists and arms. That is the only way to be exact.'
The Wise Men and Women studied more Torah together, which led to more problems. A ruling was sent to all that it was forbidden to use rulers, tape measures and yardsticks, as they are not mentioned in the Oral Law of the Jewish people.

​Yankel is still mad at Menachem. He broke the ruler in hopes of making a business of his fist. 

The word got out and advertisements were placed in the paper asking, 'Does anybody else have a fist?' The Wise Men and Women of Chelm are searching for more Menachem fists. If you have a handbreadth, they would appreciate your letting them know. 
​Menachem is not allowed to travel anymore.

This Rosh Hashana, they are praying that Menachem will be around for Sukkot, and not stuck on a construction site, for use of his hands and arms.