Let's take a stroll down memory lane to kids at camp competing in color war and a non-racist Israeli getting blamed for loving Israel while dealing with a real war, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Jewish magazines trying to make money.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

In 2022 antisemitism rose and 2023 was even better.

In preparation of October 7th January sported terror attacks, and protests for Intifada are heard on college campuses. Intifada means kill people or we love peace, depending on who your news sources are.

In February, Israeli rescue workers are the first to volunteer to go to Turkey to aid with the devastation caused by the earthquake that took thousands of lives. News sources call the earthquake an Israeli Intifada.

Something about Bibi and the Israeli Supreme Court. Protests start. To quote one Israeli, 'Why should we have to miss out on hating Jews. We're people too.'

Leopoldstadt and Parade, two plays about antisemitism, win six Tonys. People love antisemitism. If it wasn't for people killing Jews, there would be no decent entertainment. Many communities who have lost their Jewish population in Europe and the Middle East have been trying to figure out what to do for entertainment. It has been hard to find something since there are no local Jews to beat on. Now, they finally have a musical to see.
Parade in its portrayal of the 1915 lynching of Leo Frank receives protests from Neo Nazis. To quote, 'It wasn't anti-Semitic enough. The music could've been more upbeat.'

Fake bomb threats reign down on Jewish organizations. The Iron Dome does not work against these.

Christie's auction house auctions off Nazi's jewelry collection. Surprised this bothers Jews. Another Nazi quote from this year: 'How are we supposed to make money?!'

Israel kicks off seventy-fifth year celebrations with cheers of, 'We hate Bibi.'

Jewish summer camps are even more expensive.

Israel and Saudi Arabia move ahead on Abraham Accord Peace Treaty. The world worries peace is a bad thing.

Lithuania restores Jewish synagogues. To quote: 'The new tinge of pastel colors on the facade will bring Jews back.'

Israelis are now allowed to visit America without a visa. Now Israelis are the only ones who can't get through the southern US boarder without an ID.

The movie Golda is released. Complaints of not enough Jewish devastation are heard around the world.

Still fights over the Israeli Supreme Court. Jews hate Jews even more. Everybody blames Charedim.

October 7th massacre, and cheers are heard throughout the Arab towns of Judea and Samaria and England.

We are all in a state of living through mourning. And now Jews like Jews again.

Turkey thanks the Jewish United Hatzalah workers who came to help them in their times of crisis, so that they can express their hatred of Israel and Jews in health.

College students around the globe can finally voice their hatred of Jews in a safe space.

Rally of Israel support in Washington DC brings 300,000 or 5,000 people, depending on who your news sources are. Jews pray for peace and mourn the death of innocent lives, or they pray for death to everybody, depending on who your news sources are. American politicians proclaim their support for Israel and vote later that day to not send Israel anything. 

'Humanitarian' is a new English word, meaning 'we hate Jews.'

Ivy Leagues are now focusing on courses that teach English as a first language, so that students and faculty can learn words like 'context.'
They have also created a new course on Middle Eastern Relationships. Classes will focus on correct phraseology, such as 'humanitarian,' 'disproportionate' and other words that mean 'we hate Jews.'

IDF takes out eight and half million Gazan residents, as reported by Hamas and the UN. Twelve million of them are babies.

Dave Chappelle still hates Jews. Tucker Carlson asks, 'Why not?'

Elon Musk visits Israel to try to figure out how a Ford Fiesta can cost more than a Tesla.

It turns out people still hate Jews. Jews are shocked by this.

Sports
At least in sports, when people attack Jews, it's not because they hate us. At least most of the time.

Jacob Steinmetz is orthodox and he plays baseball. That's exciting. An orthodox Jew doing anything other than learning, it excites us. Finally, people are starting to believe that Torah doesn't kill athletic abilities or personality. To quote one Rosh Yeshiva: 'There is something to shuckling.'
Israel even had a team that competed in the World Baseball Classic. And they won a game. Champions. To us Jews, winning a game is the definition of a champion. Our mothers told us so.
A Jew even makes the NHL. He is a champion. Hasn't played yet, but he's a champion. His mother is very proud.

The basketball star Domantas Sabonis is converting to Judaism. After he retires, he wants to own a team someday. [Tzachi, who reported this, hopes his report doesn't lead to more antisemitism. Tzachi wants to let everybody know that he loves his Jewish people and their money.]
Domantas even has Shabbat meals and posts them on social media, so that Deni Avdija can see what Shabbat looks like.

Israel takes third place in the FIFA under 20 World Cup. Meaning that little kids in Israel are getting better at soccer. Translation: Israel won the World Cup. We are the greatest in the world.

Israel takes gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. The only kind of gymnastics that doesn't take athleticism
And the seventeen year olds took the European Flag Football Championship. This being after they had to forfeit Shabbat games. Now Jews have mastered flag football and floor hockey. Any sport that involves something that is not natural to the sport, such as a flag you have to pull or now ice skates, we are the best at. Jews are now looking to conquer the world in sports such as sponge bat baseball and crab soccer. We have already mastered paper football.

And Vikings kicker, Greg Joseph, wears cleats with Am Yisrael Chai on them. But not during a game. That was news. Somehow not wearing cleats that support Israel in support of Israel is news.
We’re just exciting the guy is in the NFL and he’s Jewish. That’s news every day. We were even excited when Julian Edelman was kind of Jewish.

And some Jewish guy got benched for being Jewish. We cannot confirm this story, but we're sure some college athlete should've got more playing time. His mother will tell you.
A Jewish mother will let you know, it's because of the antisemitism in sports.

It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share.
 
The 2am Trip
The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep.
I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses.
I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. 

So Many People
In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources.
The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers.
It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’

The Signs
There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody.
So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit.

People Wearing Israeli Flags
People were wearing flags throughout the Mall.  This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets.

A Lot of People Taking Pictures
Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist.
Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X.
I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture.

Tons of New Yorkers Showed
So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud.
 
Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home'
It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages.
Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.'

Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel
I didn't expect that.
I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally.
One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel.

I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much
I was in the rally spirit.
It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation.
I clapped at times I want to take back right now:
The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people.
'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do.
'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment.

The Loud Speech Clap Ender
They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding.

Am Yisrael Chai
I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah.
That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping.
 
It Was Very Peaceful
There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America.
I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me.
And no counter-protesters got hurt.

We Thanked the Security and the Police
At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer.

The Singers Were Amazing
It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags.
The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi.
And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair.
It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer.

Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back
I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break.
At that point, I really needed to go.

It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York.
Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping.

Here are some brilliant Pallywood scenes. Before sharing some of the brilliantly written individual performances, I want to say that I do feel bad for all of those who have suffered staged death, and are not in the scene anymore. As seen in Days of Our Lives, it's hard for an actor to be out of work. My heartfelt condolences. [Please know that I truly do mourn for all of those who have suffered, and I do pray for all of the souls that have been taken from us in our Olam.]
Be them films from Syria, Egypt, Detroit, or some video from a family reunion repurposed to share death that didn't happen, they are brilliantly funny and I commend people for finding ways to blame Israel for these attacks on moving dead people.
Here are some of the scenes I have seen of moving dead people.

Thirsty Dead People
One dead guy needed a drink. He flipped off his sheet, reaches for a Coke, thanks his friend and is still dead, while requesting shawarma for dinner. 

Jittery Dead Guy
One dead guy who had to scratch himself. He had an itch.
I'm watching this, asking, 'Did the dead guy just scratch himself and request a drink?! Brilliant!!!'
Note: It's wrong to laugh at people who are dead with a parched throat and an itch they can't reach. Torture.

Frightened Dead Guy Runs
One guy was under a sheet, laying there, dead, and then he got frightened, threw off the sheet and took off. But he was dead. The people of Gaza reported it.
The dead guy was running. I know it's wrong to mock dead people who have to flee. Something has to go terribly wrong for a dead guy to sprint. The extent of the Israeli evil, to even get a dead guy to run, one can only imagine.
Miracles do happen. They were in the middle of the funeral, carrying the stretcher. They dropped the stretcher, and you see a dead guy jump up from under the sheet, and run. How? Miracles. He was frightened, and bam, he was out of there. And to think they were going to bury him in jeans and Nikes. A polo shirt. I believe that is wrong. Not a respectable way to bury someone. However, it is good he had on his sneakers, allowing him to take off.
And now the dead guy is laid up in bed with a back sprain.

One Should Not Argue with Staged Death
It’s offensive, and you will be cancelled.
The great thing about Pallywood is you have to know your audience. The Palestinians and BDS supporters are ensuring the college students are not offended. To support choice of those who have been staged dead, who have rights too, they have argued on their behalf, 'You are dead if you identify as dead. And to tell somebody that is drinking at a cafe that they are not dead is offensive. And wrong.'
It's wrong to laugh at moving dead people. And Biden shouldn't be questioning the numbers of reported deaths. That running dead guy passed away six times last week. And then he had to have dinner with his family. Nobody should know of such things.
At least the news syndicates have proper respect for these actors and their craft, and report them as part of the death toll. I believe the staged death toll is up to 400,000. They should live and be well.

Next time we’ll discuss behind of the scenes of the brilliantly staged deaths, along with child actors of Pallywood.
I’ve got to work on my acting skills, or I’ll never make it in Pallywood.

COVID is not a pandemic anymore and people still don't show up to shul. It turns out they just didn't want to go to shul. After much research over the past three years, it was reported that the COVID pandemic would've been over in three months if people wanted to go to shul.

The war in Ukraine is happening and they're blaming Jews for it.

Kanye West said he doesn't like his manager again. Which means that he hates all Jews, and he feels it's important to let people know that he hates all Jews until he makes more money.

Dave Chappelle cracks jokes about Hollywood being Jewish and says it's not antisemitism. Jews in Hollywood say it's antisemitism. It has been decided that as long as you don't fully agree with Kanye West, you're not an anti-Semite.

The community hosted Seniors Day. It was a beautiful day of recognizing these people didn't die. We'll hopefully see them again next August. Until then, nobody has to see old people.

I only heard Yapchik once this year. Finally, other people feel like they have to upchuck when they hear Yapchik. Yapchik is not the most popular Jewish food anymore. The amazing potato kugel with meat in it has been overtaken by the Jewish food known as beef jerky.
In many households of nonFrum Jews, shepherd's pie is still popular.

Shuls were attacked and bombed.

Antisemitism. There is antisemitism. That's the yearly antisemitism note on antisemitism.

Tent was at Shul for High Holidays for the overflow, even though the shul wasn't full. Being that COVID wasn't the reason for the tent, people just hung out there to not have to pray.

Elon Musk allows for people to post what they are thinking on Twitter. After over fifteen years of social media, it turns out that people are pro-Israel.

People are blaming Elon Musk for everything bad in their lives. He's not Jewish and they're blaming the Jews for him.
It turns out his name is Elon, because he wants to meet an Israeli girl for his next wife.

Mark Schwartz was honored for knowing people. The shul needed money and he is popular, so he was honored. This was the fifth time in six years that we honored somebody for 'knowing people.' We pray that somebody in the congregation will save a life at some point, so we can honor somebody for that too.

The Jewish Federation still needs your money.

The Jewish Federation started another legacy project. The funds from the previous legacy projects that failed are not there.

Israel had elections again. Guess what, Bibi is trying to put together a Unity Government. This announcement will be in next year's Year in Review.

The Yom Hashoah program was a great event. Friends getting together and sharing laughter. Lots of memorable pictures, as seen on Rachel's social media.

Jewish is finally an acceptable gender pronoun.

Three quarters of American Jews moved down to Florida, and they haven't even retired yet. Now Jews have a reputation as a very lazy people, who don't work even in their thirties. Kanye West agrees that all Jews are lazy.

More annual dinners took place for the Jewish day school, the Jewish Family Services, the other Jewish day school, the other Jewish day school, the nursery, the other Jewish nurseries, the Jewish high school, Michal's GoFundMe page, Sima's orthodontist work, the new ping pong table in the youth lounge, the Jewish Community Center, the Christian Foundation for Sports, the food pantry, The Acts of Loving Kindness Foundation, the other shul dinner, the dinner for the other shul, the other dinner for the other shul, the other shuls' dinners, Chabad, the other Chabad, the other Chabad run by the same person, and the Jewish Federation that funds them all. Anybody who didn't give to all the organizations is a miser. The community doesn't love them. We're sorry that none of the people that use the food pantry were able to afford the annual dinner.

The Shabbat Project was unsuccessful. Not enough money was raised for it, so there was no Shabbat this year.

The economy has taken a big hit, and they're blaming Jews for it.

Antisemitism happened.

Jewish parents have been working tirelessly to figure out a solution for the Jewish crisis. And still, no solution has been found for Jewish day school tuition.
This year, again, none of the families paid full tuition, except for two families who are not very happy. They found out they're the only ones paying. It turns out, they're the only ones who went to Jewish day school and never learned how to finagle. That's what Kanye West said.

A new popular Jewish catch phrase has taken hold. ‘That’s what Kanye said.’ One of the most well-known ones is ‘Russia is run by Jews… That’s what Kanye said.’

ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford.
•Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe.

ART & ENTERTAINMENT
•A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need  Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah.
•The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce.
Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett.
•The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist.

JEWISH
•Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. 
•Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach.
•The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike.

ISRAEL POLITICS
•Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism.
•Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons.

ISRAEL INNOVATION
•Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had.
And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice).
Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules.

ANTISEMITISM
Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around.
•Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.'
Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning.

SPORTS
•No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports.
Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.'
•Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under.

INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.

The Russia-Ukraine War is underway and many of us are praying and hoping for the safety of the people. Nothing is worse than life lost. Especially, innocent life. I pray we don't bear witness to any more of that in this world, which is why we focus on peace.
Here are reasons we need peace.

We Love Saying Shalom
Shalom, means completeness, wholeness, peace. It's how we say 'Hi.' We love greeting people. You know how awkward it is to say 'Shalom' to somebody you're warring with? It's almost impossible. 
You can't say 'Shalom' and then shoot the guy.

Rebbes
Ukraine is where the great Chassidik Rebbes are. I don't know if the Russian government knows this. The Ukrainian government makes enough money off this. They know it.

Uman for Rosh Hashana
This is going to kill my Rosh Hashana plans. Rav Nachman of Breslov is buried in Uman, and many thousands of Jews go every year for Rosh Hashana. Us Jews have enough to pray for, focusing on our sins and repentance. We don't need to be by Rav Nachman's grave, praying that we also don't get hit by rockets. If we wanted to pray for protection from rockets, we would spend Rosh Hashana in Sderot.
Aeroflot has better not start charging more. I understand bad stuff happens in war, but raising the cost of flights is uncalled for, to say the least. Rise in baggage fees is collateral damage that we must fight.

It's Going to Turn into A Megilah
It's going to turn into another Megilah. Trust me. The media is already telling stories about Russia and how Trump is the cause of the war and Haman for saying America is great. How Trump has something to do with the war, not being the president of America or anything in Europe, is something the Megilah will have to explain to me.

More Tehillim
I'm swamped with Tehillim for people. Got lists of people. Got the sick people, the army, the kids, a friend with emotional hardship. The list of names, without prayer, takes me fifteen minutes. Now, I've got to focus on another war. I'm worried my Tehillim are being spread too thin.
I think I overuse Tehillim. I'm saying Tehillim for everything now, as my go to for all prayers. I lost my digital watch, I started saying Tehillim. I was hoping to find it, and then I started praying that it is safe and doing OK. There should be a Tehillim hierarchy. Prayers for health and life should come first. At the bottom are the Tehillim for your team to win.

McDonald's
What is McDonald's going to do? This is what worries me. Can Russia still franchise McDonald's if we go back to Cold War relationships. No American should have to experience the world without fast food. They should never know of such things.

Refugees
Let the rest of Europe and the US hear about refugees and then this can turn into a global war. They hear ‘refugees’ and they start saying, 'Oh shoot. Now we have to take in these people too? Jobs…' Jobs comes up and it’s attack time. Not even in the war, they’ll start shooting their own missiles to keep the refugees out. It can be refugees from Chile, it makes no difference. They hear refugees and that’s when the real violence starts.

More Russian Speakers in Israel
If this war continues, more Russians Ukrainians will be moving to Israel. Kibbutz Galuyot, ingathering of the exiles, is a beautiful positive thing. Even so, once they're in Israel, peace is a good thing. I’m just worried about Avigdor Lieberman getting more votes.
 
Ukrainians Have Never Gotten Credit for Being Ukrainians
A lot of Russian Jews moved to Israel. It's about time we started calling them Ukrainian Jews. I've never met a Ukrainian Jew that we've called Ukrainian. We always call them Russian. If anybody could just find somebody who speaks Ukrainian, that would help. 

War Kills the Neighborhood
You thought it was drugs. The housing market takes a real hit with war. As cool as it is, rockets, missiles and soldiers shooting at your house, brings down property value.
It's hard to sell in a war zone. The earthquake excuse doesn't help when the earthquake is followed by bullets flying through the den.

They Are the Same People
The languages are fairly the same. I can't tell the difference between Russian and Ukrainian. Does anybody speak Ukrainian? I still don’t know.

Matryoshkas
Everybody likes matryoshkas dolls. Those lovable dolls that look like past presidents or babushkas, if grandmothers were made out of wood. That's a great doll and activity. Idea: Try opening one of those dolls. That will get their mind off war and extremely frustrated, trying to figure out why those things never finish opening. Maybe have them work on it together. They can all laugh while yelling, 'Will this thing ever stop opening?!'
The problem is that these people in Eastern Europe have too much free time. If they spent their time on matryoshkas, they wouldn't have time for war.

​There is Commonality
​They all hate Jews.

People Are Sharing Opinions About the War
I have heard enough uneducated opinions over the past year. It is extremely bothersome. Now I have to see these new posts from my American friends on social media. I think these people believe Ukraine is a strand of COVID. One guy at the grocery insisted I stay away from him and said, 'I don't want to catch Ukraine.'

People in Ukraine are Protesting
The country is turning into a democracy. That will just cause more people to share their opinions on Instagram and TikTok. It's a nightmare.

Soon Ukraine Will Be Part of the EU
Western Europe is supporting the Ukraine. Now, Ukraine is thinking about joining the EU. We don't need more European countries bonding. We know how that story ends.
Anything Europe scares me as a Jew.

Israel is Going to Get Blamed
They will find a way. Give it time.

I Don't Want to Hear 'Peace in The North East'
It's going to happen. It almost rhymes, so they’re going to start chanting it. Don’t call me a prophet. Call me somebody who gets annoyed very easily. It was enough hearing Vanilla Ice saying, 'Peace in the Middle East.'

Shalom Is The Reason for Torah
To quote Wikipedia's quote of Proverbs (3:17), 'Her ways are pleasant ways and all her paths are shalom (peace).' The Talmud (Gemara Gittin 59b) explains, 'The entire Torah is for the sake of the ways of shalom' (ibid. Wikipedia- this is a scholarly work, and we believe in scholarship at the Kibbitzer). If somebody would just tell Putin. If Putin knew this Torah, he wouldn't attack Ukraine, he would ask for it, kindly. Did Putin ask in a way of Shalom? Did he say, 'Shalom Volodymyr, would you kindly give me Ukraine'? This is what we must ask, as Jews. I've played Risk. You ask nicely for the land, and the dice work for you. Did he even ask Volodymyr why he spells his name like that?
Somebody must educate Putin and the people of Eastern Europe about Torah. We're trying to do Kiruv in the former Soviet Union. Many organizations are out there in the Ukraine and Russia, bringing Jews closer to the love of Torah and Mitzvot. You can't do good Kiruv with war, unless if you have a dynamic leader like Avraham Avinu. We don't want the Russian government getting in the way of our Outreach. And between us, we don’t need the Army of H’ getting involved in this. You don’t mess with Chabad.

Zelenskyy is Jewish. If Putin was Jewish all would be good. It would be two Jews arguing. They wouldn't get along. Their mothers would get involved. And each of their countries would be the country they don't go to. But there wouldn't be war.
They should stop the war, because Shalom is a Mitzvah. If we can just let Putin know that it’s a Mitzvah. Right now, I’m deeply worried for McDonald’s. 
I hope my words bring peace.

American Jewish Life
•(JTA) Food Vendors return to the stadiums, which means there is kosher food at the baseball games. Anybody who is a kosher Jew who vegan and only drinks Coke will have no problem finding food at stadiums throughout America.
To quote one Jewish fan in Baltimore, where they serve kosher hot dogs at Camden Yard, 'Now I have a reason to go to the game. Before they brought back the food, I had no idea what I was doing at this thing.'

SHUL LIFE
•As pandemic rules loosen, Kiddishes, post service snacks, are back. In response to food being served, attendance at shul is back up, along with attendance at Baltimore Orioles games. They would serve Kiddish at Orioles games, but they know that nobody would pay; they would just show up late and eat a lot.
With the rise in attendance, shuls still can't get a Minyin. As expressed by a member of the shul board, 'We come for the Kiddish. If the Kiddish is at 11:30am, that is when I am showing up. I pray for a piece of meat in my choolante. I don't need to show up for Shacharit for that prayer.'
Many congregations are starting to serve Kiddish at 9am, so that members will be there for the prayer services too.

Israel
•Israelis are starting to give people sixty and over a third shot. Some would like their pension. They are happy the government is at least giving them a shot. It's a start. 
•Ben and Jerry's makes statement that their ice cream cannot be sold in the "territories" (JPost). Little do they know that nobody in "the territories" can afford their ice cream. At $8 a pint at the supermarket this news is extremely irrelevant to anybody living in the settlements. 
Ben and Jerry's also says they're not going to renew their license in Israel. Neither will the Kibbitzer staff (that addition is from Tzachi who lives in Haifa and has gotten a lot of speeding tickets. The police will arrest him if he drives).
Bibi has been fighting this Ben and Jerry's decision to not sell in Israel fiercely, as he really likes ice cream. Finally, a cause that all the Likud can get behind. First it was the British Mandate, then independence, then intifadas, then Phish Food ice cream.
Ben and Jerry, the founders, say they support Israel and their former company's decision, as they made clear that they are pro-Israel and pro-Israel's destruction.
Now Israelis are trying to figure out how they will be able to eat ice cream. They've gotten too used to adjectives, nouns and adverbs in their flavor's names. As many Israelis have said, 'I cannot go back to Vanilla. I need adjectives and people's names on my ice cream. I don't do Vanilla unless if there is a Chunky Monkey in it.' (Rachel, of the Kibbitzer, is angry at Ben and Jerry and she is happy to finally be able to eat normal ice cream that tastes good, and doesn't hide behind names and weird concoctions that mess up a nice vanilla chip ice cream with cherries- Rachel truly does not like Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's too hard and it is not at all creamy. She also doesn't like Cherry Garcia's music, whoever he is).
If they cared about Israel, Ben and Jerry's would've at least come out with some flavors like SettleMint Chip, and Jerusalem of Gold Coffee Caramel (they have that brownish goldish color, sometimes). It would've been nice if there was a Shlomi Garcia.
And many have known all along that Chubby Hubby is an anti-Semitic slur that Ben and Jerry's was using to define Ashkenazik men. To Ben and Jerry's, let it be known that we are not chubby, we retain water. (Mark takes offense to chubby Jews and is worried Ben and Jerry's will try to kick them out of the settlements). 

Sports
•Qualifying for the Olympics in 2020, that didn't happen, Beatie Deutsch is an inspiration to all the Jewish women who are now ready to compete in a skirt and leave their children at home. To quote a mother of eight from the Settlements, who chooses to remain anonymous, 'When I saw her out there for two and half hours in the middle of that run, without her children anywhere near her, I understood why she was doing it. I know why she chose the marathon.' To quote another mom who doesn't want to lose the love of her family, 'If my kids needed something, I could compete. I run out of the house real fast.' 
The orthodox Jewish mother, Beatie 'Deutsch was featured in Adidas’ “Impossible is Nothing” campaign (JTA).' Though it is impossible to have competed in the 2020 Olympics, competing a such a high level, she proves to all that you can be an athlete even if you're Jewish. Other than baseball, we did not know this was possible. 
•Lydia Jacoby won a gold medal. She is not Jewish, but has been considered Jewish by many since winning the gold medal. It is Jewish tradition to accept people as Jewish, if they have a Jewish name, when they win a championship. Adidas may offer her a deal where she brings pride to all the Christians, letting them know they too can be athletes. They need a win too. Christians should know they can be athletic.

LOCAL ANTI-SEMITISM - SPECIAL REPORT
•Yes. It still exists.
•Robin Wilt, a town councilwoman in Rochester NY's Brighton neighborhood, with a large Jewish population, has made it clear to the Jews that she doesn't like them. As she says about Jews, "Friends were just bigots themselves, lying in wait to excoriate a Black woman." We at the Kibbitzer would disagree with Robin, but that would make us bigots. Whatever Robin believes, let it be known we agree with her.
To quote Robin: “I know it’s hard in a town that has a significant Jewish population to stand up for Palestinian human rights.” She hashtaged 'free Palestine.' We are trying to understand this. It's hard in a town with Jews? It's hard to say that Jews don't belong in Israel in a town with Jews? It's hard in a town with Jews to call Jews bigots? Much of the Jewish community of Rochester is not happy. We do empathize with Robin, as she has it very hard. It's hard to hate Jews in a town of Jews. It's hard to say you hate Jews when you're representing them. It's hard to call them bigots and tell them that Israelis should die.
It's hard on Robin. It's very hard to speak out against Jews when there are so many Jews living in your town. We agree with her and empathize. We've tried hating Jews, but it's hard to hate Jews and have them want to read your material when you're a Jewish magazine. We understand that it's hard for her to say she hates Jews, and it's the fault of the Jews living in Brighton. We apologize on behalf of the Jews of Brighton for being Jewish. They should be ashamed.
Keep strong Robin. This is the first time Jews have ever complained about having leaders that hate them. Until Bibi connected with them on ice cream, he also didn't like most of the Jews in Israel.
To quote a resident, who would like to remain anonymous, as their question is racist, 'We are trying to figure out when working on the Brighton Town Council has became an international position, with need to comment on foreign affairs. We are still trying to figure out how rockets from Gaza affects the budget at French Road Brighton Elementary School.'
In Robin's defense, she is an official in a small town in Upstate New York, and she has no idea what Palestine is. She also knows nothing about Israel or its history. She also doesn't know that Israel has many arab citizens. She has the right to express her opinions. She feels very passionate about them.

JEWISH WORLD
•Showing that they won't give into terrorism, the ADL responds to attacks on Israel and on the streets of their country with a rally online. The message was spread to those who made plans to be there. Jews who support the ADL saw the online rally of themselves.
Remaining true to their stance, making a strong statement with a strong Jewish voice, the ADL muted all the Jews who attended. 
•Mayim Bialik is now hosting Jeopardy. 'Mark of the Kibbitzer.' Answer is, 'Who is Mayim's next husband?' (That was Mark's contribution at the table this week. He has a crush on Mayim, ever since Blossom.)
•After the two day holiday of Shavuot, the average 5’6” Jew now ways 215 pounds. They cannot take it off.
•Online Simchas reported less weddings this past year. People don't meet when they're not allowed to.

STYLE
•The Tzitzis hanging out of the shirt, is back. The pocket Tzitzis hold is not in fashion. This season, it's Tzitzis fully out and a long woolen coat.

ISRAEL
•The new Israeli Unity Government is now formed with parties that hate each other. Being that there is unity, now people can hate each other more closely.
Many are hoping for this unity coalition to stick, saying that if there is unity, nothing will happen for the next four years. This makes many Israelis happy. Israeli says, 'If they can't agree on anything within the party, they won't mess anything up.'
For those who are worried, they will still have voting booths setup, so that people can continue the biannual Jewish tradition of voting for a government that will not happen.
•'Andrew Yang (New York politician) tweeted in support of Israel. 'I’m standing with the people of Israel who are coming under bombardment attacks, and condemn the Hamas terrorists' (JTA). We saw him when he said this in the middle of New York City, and not one Israeli was around. 
WIth this statement of support, Yang has lost his Jewish vote. As a politician he should know better. Jews don't like themselves. To regain the Jewish vote of New York he now has to make it clear that he never meant to offend Jews by showing support for Israel. He let the Jews know that they can be reassured that he will be with them and never support Jews again.
•Naftali Bennett is ready for Prime Ministership. He's finally heavy enough. In other sources, he stopped wearing his yarmulke and is now feeling comfortable garnishing Jewish support.
•Abbas is mad that Israel won't allow Palestinian elections to take place in Jerusalem, as it is not part of Palestine. Abbas is depending on the Israeli vote. The Israeli vote of Jerusalem is his only hope. To quote his advisor, 'Israelis love voting. They do it all the time. They'll vote if we let them.'
Seeing how it works in Israel, Abbas is now trying to form a unity government with parties that he is not unified with. He's hoping Bibi will join him.
Being that it's not important to vote in the country that you are voting for, Israel is planning to host their next elections in Moldova.
•Simon Cowell is not going to Israel to appear on Israel's talent show, the X-Factor. The bombing of Israel also attacked our voices.
•Shouts around the world for changes of Israel's apartheid of Gaza is hitting the streets. To make the foreign entities happy, Israelis are now trying to move to Gaza.

ANTI-SEMITISM
•Yes. It still exists. People hate Jews.
•In support of anti-Semitism, more than 600 singers signed a letter to stop doing concerts in Israel. I didn't even know there were 600 singers that people care about. (Rachel makes a decent point- as we could only name forty singers outside of Madonna and Mordechai Ben David)
In support of BDS, the singers are boycotting their own shows. Many of the 600 singers called off all their shows this summer, when they realized that nobody bought tickets. When asked why no tickets were bought, a customer answered, 'We never heard of them.'
Israeli singers are baffled. Aviv Gefen and Mosh Ben-Ari have no idea what to do. Not enough people in Europe understand Hebrew for Subliminal's raps to go over. Sarit Hadad is now trying to get gigs in Jordan. The Israeli singers have learned that outside of Israel, there's not much of a market for Israeli music. Now they're stuck waiting for the Jewish Federations to bring them in for Yom HaAtzmaut. 
The 600 singers of the world are calling for a group song, as that is what singers do. Ever since We Are The World, they've tried, but nothing has worked. The beginning of the song goes, 'We're not the Jews. We're not the children. We've never been to Gaza or Jerusalem. There's a choice we're making. We've hated Jews our whole lives... I am Jewish. I am not chosen...'

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. If something isn't funny, it's satire. If you don't get it, or it's not factually correct, you disagree with it and it's satire.

HOME STYLE
•Front lawns are used for the lawn chairs. Bring your backyard into the front and live the bungalow life. Chana Rachel says, 'You can't afford to bring yourself to The Mountains. Bring The Mountains to you, and turn your neighborhood into the bungalow you've always wanted.' 

FINANCES
•Property value in the religious neighborhood of Flatomer is down due to bungalow style summer living on the front lawns. City councils are claiming that property values will go back up when the Fisher Price slides go to the backyard. Benches in the front yard are fine, as is full on jungle gyms.  The message is 'No Fisher Price on the front lawn.'
Statement from City Councilman, 'Nobody wants to interact with their neighbors in a neighborhood.'

ISRAEL
•Local Palestinian explains, 'The weather is nice enough. Sun is out. It's the perfect time for terror. When you attack, you at least want a chance at a decent tan.'
•Hamas celebrates Jerusalem Day by sending rockets into Israel. Israel is being blamed for lack of fireworks used in the country's celebrations.
Hamas claims that once their rockets meet an interceptor it looks joyous (that was Mark's addition for the week).
•Now that many have received the vaccine, Hamas is back out there, attacking Israelis.
To quote, 'What kind of suicide bomber would take a chance with COVID? That's not safe.' 

AMERICA
•JStreet honors Jimmy Carter for his lifetime dedication to Israel. As stated, 'We want to thank President Carter for his commitment to Israel. Nobody has spoken out more against Israel in the past 45 years.'

ON A HAPPY NOTE
•We hope to have that next week.

JEWISH
•Mother's Day goes by and the kids still didn't call. As the Jewish mothers said about their kids living at home, 'They never call.' (This was Rachel's contribution. She felt we needed a traditional Jewish style joke in the Jewish section. She even threw in the second day holiday joke, for mothers who live outside of Israel.)
•In preparation for Shavuot, Ashkenazi Jews claim to not be lactose intolerant, so they can eat cheesecake. Community members protest, ‘Whatever it takes. Nobody will stop us from eating cheesecake.’

SHUL POLITICS
•Classifieds: We're starting our third breakaway Minyin from the shul. Looking for a tenth man to make a statement that we don't like the rabbi. We promise no speeches. We promise to not interrupt your conversation in the middle of Torah reading.

ANTI-SEMITISM
•They still hate the Jews.
•JTA reports, 'The Guardian says supporting the pro-Zionist Balfour Declaration in 1917 was a mistake.' Readership is up as The Guardian takes a stand against themselves. As stated, ‘We mean what we write. Our word is final.’ 
The Guardian was trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration. To quote, 'It was a mistake. It sounded so good when Balfour declared it. That letter, and his British accent sounded so beautiful... We were trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration of Simon, who said, "Get the Jews out of my neighborhood. I don't like kosher pizza."' 
What allows the staff to take back the words written in 1917? It's the Guardians 122 year old writers.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.

RELIGION
•JPost reports, 'Jerusalem Rabbinate requires beards in job application for (kashrut) inspectors.' They don't just want the hair in the food. They want it in the job applications as well.
Kosher restaurants have an average of five more hairs in meat dishes, due to the uncontained beard hair. The average beard hair of a rabbi is eight times as long as that of a chef.
The Rabbinate has been accused from many Chareidi Jews of not having a trustworthy enough kosher certificate, as many inspectors are not always present in the restaurants. They now fight back, as noted, 'All can trust our Kosher certificate when there is a hair in the meal. That is how you know the rabbi is there.'

SPORTS
•Iran is banned from judo competition, for the next four years, for telling their athletes to avoid Israelis in competition (TOI). This is sound judo tactic. Why anybody would want to be thrown to the ground is baffling. (this was Mark's addition- he has never been in a fight or competed as an athlete)
The Iranian athletes are not happy, as this is their only chance to fight Jews.
•'David Cohen can become the first Jewish jockey to win a Kentucky Derby' (JTA). Other Jews will be at the Kentucky Derby, continuing a long standing tradition achieved by many Jews, losing a lot of money.

WORLD
•The Rover just made oxygen on Mars. What Jewish people are willing to do to get another Pesach hotel. (Rachel put this one in- She was in Florida this Pesach and as she said, 'It was too hot there.')

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•We can still blame the prices at Bloomingdales on this.
•In his rage against losing an illegal real estate deal for his law firm, the Chicago Alderman Ed Burke says it's the Jews and how they do business with Jews. He is sincerely bothered by the schnapps, kichel and herring.
To quote Burke (JTA), '"Well, you know as well as I do, Jews are Jews."'
The ADL is not happy with this. They are happy with the new falafel stands that offer different flavored balls. The ADL loves those places and put out a statement that they should continue with the zatar balls. The ADL demands that Burke apologize and that nobody ever call Jews 'Jews' again. This has caused people to resort to epithets. Burke is now going to just say, 'The cheap people.'
In his defence, he is 77 years old and he didn't even realize that what he was saying was wrong.
Many are on his side, as they said, 'What's the problem? We talk about how we hate Jews all the time.' The ADL will not stand for this anymore. Even so, they are willing to compromise and allow people to use the word 'Jew' with an optimistic tone. If it can't be sang in the resolution of a musical number, people may say 'Jews.'
•In response to Jews, many have decided to move to France, saying, 'We want to live in an anti-Semite sympathetic country... Finally a court system and refuge that understands us.'

ENTERTAINMENT
•Jews didn't do well in the Oscars. They were nominated but almost all of them didn't win. Anti-Semites.
They only nominated Jews so they can say their name and tell them they lost.
​
*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.