The Christmas Tree Shop, where I get everything I need for Chanukah. Including my paper dreidel.
Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
Eat Oily Food The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics. Use Animal Fat Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that. Eat Oilier Latkes Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious. Give the Children Big Kippahs Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want. That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays. Light up the Electric Candles This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate. Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur. Say Xmas The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit. Purchase Gifts That Mean Something If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift. Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven. Eat More If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more. Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here. Use Tinfoil Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil. Go to a Shul Chanukah Party Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa. Decorate All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop. Never Play Dreidel Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive. Sing Hebrew Songs If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious. Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht. To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight. I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeshev11/26/2021 
The shul Thanksgivakah didn’t work last year. The animal rights activists in our shul were not for lighting and burning the turkey. They like their turkey more juicy.
The rabbi’s gift forum was well attended. People thought they were going to get gifts. They were told what not to buy, as the rabbi doesn’t want to get any bad gifts this Chanukah. The rabbi made it clear that he does not want anything knit; nothing made by hand. People are going to be giving chocolate bars to the kids this year. The rabbi explained the laws of Ma’aras Ayin, showing something that is not what it appears, and he is still mad you can’t buy stuff with coins that have chocolate in them. He wants to take Elite to court for faulty sales on the coins last year. The problem is he ate his proof that they’re not real coins. Rabbi Menelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom vHappy Chanunkiving... We all have stories… The tales about other people have to stop. No more tattle-taling… Stories about Chanukah are good. Tattle-taling on Yehudah HaMacabee is not going to get him trouble... They might have had 'snitches get stitches' back then. I don't know how many felons were connected with the Maccabees. With Yosef and his brothers, it was 'snitches get sold'... That was the saying... Our history is important. Yet. We shouldn't sell any of the children... I know they are constantly tattle-tailing at junior congregation... (Bereishit 37:1) ‘And Yaakov sat in the land of which his fathers lived.’ The Torah goes through the generations of Yaakov in detail. Rashi says our ancestors and generations that follow are important. That's why there is detail, Sadie. Our ancestry and genealogy is important. You don't need to detail the menu for a Pareve Kiddish. Important… You could be important. Do your ancestors want to know about the deal you found at Marshall’s, Tim?... It was a great deal. I was very impressed. I wanted to know about it. I just don't know how they connect to it in heaven... Make yourself important. The Pilgrims were important… Yes. The Maccabees were important. You could be important… Many of you live here, still. You received a good inheritance. I commend you for not running away from your family's wealth. The shul hasn’t seen any of it… I’m guessing your grandfather, Shlomo, would’ve liked to give a donation. Just saying. If you knew that you came from people that paid their dues... Your fathers shared it with the synagogue when they lived here... Your fathers did not receive free trips to Israel... They couldn’t sojourn there. They married into the hardware business… That keeps you in Topeka... When you're making money and not donating it... Generation affect each other… Yaakov affected his children. (Bereishit 37:3) They saw that dad loved Yosef more than them, ‘and they hated him, and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully’… This is why Fran and Sadie always fight. They hate each other… Nobody likes people who are loved... Sadie is just more lovable... (Bereishit 37:5) And he shared his dreams with his brothers, ‘and they continued to hate him. If there is one thing we learn from Yosef, it's how to get your siblings to hate you. Tell on them, get a decent coat and then tell them you're better than them in a passive aggressive way, through a dream... Nobody wants to hear about your dreams.... And he told them what his dreams were about, and they hated him even more. Nobody likes people who dream and then tell people what their dreams are about... I'm not a psychologist. Let's not go there right now, Benji. I understand that you were told in the dream that there was a stalk in the shul and the stalk withered and your stalk was stepped on it... Nobody likes a good kid, who gets special gifts and gets good grades....Stop asking questions when class is about to end. I teach Sunday school. The kids don't want to be there, but the parents force them. And then there is one kid who cares... Sharona, they hate you. Stop caring. You are causing baseless hatred with your 'wanting to learn'... You're the reason... There's no necessary exile at the end of this, Sharona.... So what do we learn from this week's Parsha? Keep your dreams and aspirations to yourself. Nobody wants to hear about your new summer home. We are not happy for you. Good for you. We hate you. And Mrs. Kandymen, with a new dress every week... Yes. They hate you. It is good you all connect with the wealth of your parent's generation... Do you know their names? How many Ben Avrahams are there in this synagogue? You do not even know your dad's name... Michael. Last week, we had to break the Shabbat to go into the shul's Yizkor list to see what your dad's Hebrew name was, just so you could get an Aliyah???? What were their dreams?... To have a shul where dues were paid, Tim... But you had no problem naming your daughter Alexis, after her great grandmother Faygil... She paid dues... Yes, you all have friends, you all have money, you all have wealth. But none of you are willing to take a chance for other 'cool' people to hate you, and to dream. The cool people who have no dreams, but like to relax....Dream of a great community where dues are paid and the rabbi likes you. Dream of a community where your rabbi has a new car, to represent you... Yes. Yosef's brothers were wrong. Let people dream. Just don't share them... The guys in the back left will hate you. Let's get back to how dreams are bad... What are you doing for your ancestors? Is there hatred? The big issue is that they couldn’t speak to him in peace. It wasn't the dreams. It was the result. (Bereishit 37:4) The brothers saw that Yaakov loved him more than them, ‘and they hated him and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully.’ There was separation. There was built up hatred. Look at Fran and Sadie... Exactly. Years of anger building up inside. That is what caused for the inability to speak with Yosef in peace... I know you're still angry about the Fleishick Chanukah party three years ago. It builds up overtime. Now, Fran can't even say 'latke' with a smile. She's mad about it... Relationships are over when there is no peace. When there is no smile. When there are no latkes... Was Yosef wrong or right? I can tell you that your grandmother wouldn't mind if you gave her money to the shul, Michael… It led to what was going to happen. Human interaction is what we’re learning. Don’t cause hatred, Bernie. He was telling tales about the other kids. He was snitching… In our shul, for Shalom. From now on, snitches get stitches… They had reason to hate him before. He snitched, he got the love of Yaakov. People hate bad Chanukah gifts. They hate the Clopping for Rosh Chodesh… It scares them. You bang the table… There are a lot of reasons to hate. I've mentioned just a few in this sermon so far. You can see, it all builds up, and then you have our shul... From now on, only share the negative in your life. Stop telling people the good you have... Yosef shares his dreams and all the negative builds up… Don’t dream… If you're going to share it, don't dream. If you see positive in others, we might have a chance at fighting Bernie. (Bereishit 37:11) His brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter’… He couldn't make a coat for all of them. Where do you find those colors?... You want to get into parenting? Are you sure, Mark? Your kids are running the halls again… Only once there was jealousy did Yaakov watch over the matter. Jealousy is what kills. There was hatred. Once it turned to jealousy... When you give Chaim a G.I. Joe, and Samantha a Barbie Gocart… Chaim is jealous. Yes… His gift is pathetic. You have to stop being jealous. That’s what causes the sin. It goes from hatred, to nastiness, to jealousy to slave trade. Then you have our shul... We don’t know if it’s because he was loved more. Was it because of the dream? Was it because he tattle-taled? Was it because he got the gift?... Give your kids decent gifts already… I’ve seen the socks, Michaela. They’re sewn. A gift is not valuable if you make it… You have to buy it. The same way Ephraim buys the Aliyas… There are multiple factors involved in hatred. You can hate Phillip for sneezing too loud… He sneezes all the time. In know. It’s too much. Bill walks past people and hits them with his Tallis… You don’t notice, because you don’t care. The tassels are whacking people… You walk too fast. Looking like tasseled Superman… I see you, because I sit up here. They can’t, because the tassels are whacking their eyes. Should we sell the shul? Good question… We’re not allowed to sell the members… The hatred you cause could lead to that though… Not loving the lives around you. Not realizing the importance of the individual leads to slavery… Yes. It’s hard to deal with these people... If anybody had a reason to be jealous of Phillip or Bill... I know, they have the most pathetic homes... The question is why does nobody in this shul smile… Nobody smiles in the men’s section... Is there hatred? Is there jealousy? I know the Gabai does a bad job of divvying Aliyas… You show favorites. I see it. You call the same person up every week, Ephraim. It’s the same guy. Is he giving his donations to you?... There is definitely a scam going on. I am watching the matter Ephy… Are you jealous because of the lack of gifts? The shul doesn’t get the gifts you flipped over on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. Haven’t seen those donation… The shul is not inviting now… People don’t come because of security and you not smiling at them… There is already a security guard at the door staring them down and not saying ‘Shalom’… The clopping for Rosh Chodesh scares people. Nobody greets you, and then you hear a bang on a table… Does it remind you to say ‘YaAleh vYavoh’ or does it scare you?... Yes. They don’t feel welcome. All they hear is a loud noise after people have been giving them evil looks… We all dream. You have the cool Simchoni group mocking dreams... What’s going to be next? Selling congregants?... Ephraim sells the Aliyas. Makes a good buck calling people to the Torah… You’re causing jealousy. It’s Feivel’s inheritance. The money should go to the shul… What we see is that families being together is not always the best thing… Smile… Yosef missed out on living in the land of his ancestors, because people couldn’t smile… Get over it. We need love. Love each other… Your ancestors smiled. Your parents were important because people liked being around them. They didn’t sell people. They gave excellent gifts… A Monopoly set was a good gift in the ‘80s. You can’t give that now, Kim… They paid their dues… They smiled, Mark... Mrs. Kandyman, they say they like your dress, because they're trying real hard to keep peace. It's not easy... There was no smiling and that led to slavery. This shul… Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Each part of Rabbi Mendelchem's sermon was a sermon. I believe he gave a private sermon to fifty congregants within the sermon. Each paragraph was a special piece of rebuke. No other rabbi I know can show such hope for his congregants and see such negative within them. The message I got was to smile. The rest of the congregation didn't seem to get that message. I don't even see a smirk under Mrs. Kandyman's new hats she wears with her dresses. The rabbi called it Chanukiving, as he feels that the Jewish holiday should come first. Thanksgivikah is offensive to our people. He also feels that Kiving is very important. It brings happiness and love in families. He is truly worried that siblings hate each other in the congregation, because, as the rabbi said ‘there has to be better Kifts this Chanukah.’ The rabbi's lesson was brought home though. And it was a valuable lesson. Bad gifts is what causes hatred. The Tivels haven’t been invited to Simchas for years, due to the mirror they bought for Michael’s Bar Mitzvah. It was a mirror. A plane mirror. That’s it. No reason to invite them. Seevan is always pulling Asher’s hair. I think that can lead to some future hatred among our kids in the shul. It started with last year's gift outing to 5 And Below. The kids realize that not all $5 gifts are the same. Seevan got plastic headphones and Asher got a cool board game. After going to Walmart, they realized the board game was worth more. It was also a board game of many colors. The ancestry lesson of importance worked for a few people. The others realized they came from a bunch of criminals. The rabbi caused a lot of problems in the shul. Now everybody hates each other. They all know about Feivel’s inheritance. Now they’re all jealous. Everybody hates everybody now. The rabbi correctly noted good reasons to hate each other. And nobody smiles. The Gabai is now on the top of the hate list. There was an actual list outside the sanctuary. The rabbi put the Gabai’s name on it as a plaque. The rest of the names on the hate list were written in dry erase marker. The membership is happy that the majority of the congregation didn’t move away, after the rabbi let it be known that family together causes fights and the slave trade. The steel plant is what kept the families in town for the past four generations. I don't know if anybody had a calling from Gd. I do know that many have left to get away from family. The rabbi turned the shul into a penitentiary with this no more snitches policy. People thought payback was a good use of the security guard. To stop violence in the coatroom, the rabbi had to say that he meant that those who snitch get stitched Chanukah gifts; meaning, they get the sewn stuff, like socks. That is a curse that nobody wants. A lot of mixed messages this week. Yosef’s dreams brought us together as a people, so they dreams have to be good. Then the rabbi says we shouldn’t dream. He then said to dream but don't talk about it. He knows that there's not one congregant who can keep their mouth shut. They'll talk about anything. The rabbi has been to enough Kiddishes. A lot of hope was lost this Shabbis. But then he brought up Chanukah gifts, and the kids started dreaming again. Now, the kids are dreaming of new PlayStation models. The rabbi is correct. People don’t say ‘Hi.’ They don’t smile at you or greet you. The rabbi had to stop calling us a community. Due to the nasty faces, he started calling the men’s section by gang affiliation. You have the back left corner. You’ve got the front rights. I don’t know how the Chanukiving program the rabbi came up with is going to go. Thanksgiving was before Chanukah this year. But he still wanted to teach a lesson. I think he felt that more people would show up if Thanksgiving was involved in the program. He knows that Jews don’t want to celebrate anything Jewish. Now, all the kids in the shul think they’re supposed to get gifts on Thanksgiving. Something about the pilgrims hiding their Judaism. Clopping for Rosh Chodesh scared me. We did the Rosh Chodesh prayer preparation on Shabbat. I’m not going to show up to shul until after the Amida prayer is done, and there is no more banging by the shul zealots. The guy bangs the table way too hard. Scary. He would be the first one violently throwing congregants in pits. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Interviews of Jews: The Local Butcher11/25/2021 
Kosher butcher shop in New York. That's how they used to smoke meat. (Photo: Library of Congress)
Hello
Shalom. You don't speak Hebrew? We're Kosher here. I speak Yiddish. I didn't ask where you're from. I'll start with the prices. What are your prices? What do you want? It depends on the prices. You tell me what you like. I give you deal. Why are the prices in your store not listed? People don't like seeing $23.99 a pound. They won't buy it. If it's in the bag, they buy it. $23.99 and the community is lose weight. I lose business. They'll pay $250.99 for the bag though. Who's your favorite customer? Mr. Bergman. He buys a lot. Never asks the prices. Do you ever get messed up requests from your customers? All of them. One guy doesn't want juice. How am I supposed to make money on the ribs?! I sell juice. You're paying for the bones and the juice. I should put prices of bones and juice on the wall. $23.99 for bones and juice? Yes. One guy wanted my best cut of steak. He said, 'Your best steak.' I don't know what the best steak is. I'm a vegetarian. Why do you run a butcher shop if you're a vegetarian? Money. Is it hard for you to be part of the community and their butcher? Worse than being a doctor. They show up to shul and people ask them about their feet. 'Oh I have heelspur.' I get asked questions about cow's feet. I don't serve that. They all complain. They even complain to me about their doctor. What questions do you get about cow's feet? Are they pigeon toed. If they had pigeon toes, I wouldn't sell it. A cow with pigeon toes is not kosher. It's disgusting. Who is your favorite customer? Martha. She orders, says nothing. Just takes it. She doesn't care how much it weighs. I thought Mr. Bergman was your favorite? I can't stand him. Where do you get your food? New York. So you don't slaughter it? No. I get it from MealMart and put it on the shelf. People seem to like Meal Mart. What do you do to the animal? We take the food out of the package. We put it on the shelf. Why are you not a grocery then? The sign outside says I'm a butcher. I see some nice premade stuff. How do you make the premade food? We take the MealMart package and open it. That machine? That's the cutter. How many slices do you want? Isn't that called a slicer? It's a cutter. We cut the meat in there. It's a cutter. Are you going to buy anything? No. I'm here to interview you today. I thought you would offer me a taste. Are you going to pay for it? I would think that because I am the interviewer... This is pointless. I thought you were going to buy something. Can we finish this? I just thought that you would give me a taste. You pay. If I pay for it, it's not a taste. Who says? You? Ever heard of taster? They charge for those now. It's classy. You want taster platter? You've mentioned that people complain. What is the number one complaint? Me. Anything else about the customers? If they didn't pay for the food, I wouldn't want to see them. Especially Mrs. Gronawitz. She wants triangle cuts. The cutter doesn't cut in triangles. It's a sli... Thanksgiving is coming up. How many people need turkey? I can't give turkey to the whole world. Sukkot comes, I get thirty, maybe forty brisket orders. Thanksgiving. 200 turkeys. These Jews can care less about Sukkot, and they hate turkeys. If Jewish food would be turkey, they would celebrate the Chagim. How much do I have to do for turkey?! She wants one that is hearty. I don't know how it feels Mrs. Goldfarb. I don't know its personality. She wants hearty?! I can give juicy. I don't know turkey feelings. I am a butcher. Not a poultry therapist. I heard about the turkey shwarma tradition. Now more turkey?! I can't keep finding turkey. Don't tell anybody of this tradition. At least Chanukah is coming up. What do your customers buy on Chanukah? Nothing. I hate Chanukah. You can't slaughter sour cream and potatoes. But you don't slaughter. You get it from New York... Chanukah Sameach You're not going to buy anything? Author's Thoughts on Interview He was very curt. I believe Micky smiled once. When I asked him about the slicer, he thought I was going to buy some cold cuts. That was the only time he smiled. He never stopped trying to make a sale. I respect that. His Middle Eastern voice came out everytime he tried to make a sale. He even called me 'my friend' at some point. I would've liked a taste. Even in the shuk, they gave tastes. I think he's mad because he's a vegetarian. He wasn't happy about the slicer question. He was very adamant that it's a cutter. He changed his mind about Mr. Goldberg real fast. He told me later that Mr. Goldberg's business wasn't doing too well, so he doesn't care for him anymore. He was definitely not happy about Thanksgiving. I didn't even get in the question, before he started getting angry at turkeys. I don't believe he is thanking anybody this holiday season. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Making Your Thanksgiving Jewish11/25/2021 
Chabad will do anything to bring all closer Yiddishkeit. Here, you can see the rabbi doing Kiruv on the Turkey. (Photo: chabadmineola.com)
Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.
Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there. Eat More Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too. Eat A Turkey Shawarma Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey. The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet. Tell The Story of the Pilgrims The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha. Thank H' Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord. Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew. And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. Don't Work Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work. Forbid Stuff If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey. Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday. You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday. Have a Fight A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day. Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally Jews don't parade. We rally. Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.' Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday. If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich. I tried to help. Thanksgiving Sameach Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke: VaYishlach11/19/2021 
The mega shul down on the other side of town has tons of members. The rabbi wants big crowds, and we can't satisfy that for him. We realized that in order to become a mega shul, we needed to go non-Jewish with our membership. If we opened up to Islamic prayer, we would be able to host the mega shul the rabbi wanted.
Sitting at Kiddish is like figuring out where to sit in high school. The popular table picks on everybody else by taking big scoops of meat out of the choolante. The doors to the shul are now locked all the time. Ben couldn’t get in for Shabbat Mincha. He wasn't happy. And the shul is trying to figure out how to draw more people. You can’t get people, if they can’t get in. Ben has decided to not show up anymore. He's angry about not getting in and nobody apologized. He wanted an apology, but the board considered locking out Ben to be the right thing. He said that he won’t go to a shul that doesn’t let him in. Most shuls don’t want him anyways. I think all shuls in Topeka are going to start locking their doors, just in case Ben wants to join. The visiting the sick is not happening. They’re doing that on Zoom now. That doesn’t help any of the older sick people who can’t figure out how to use the computer. Now the sick person has to work and study technology for people to be nice to them, and not visit them. We’ve started Chanukah and Thanksgiving prep. Recently, Thanksgiving and Chanukah have fallen out on the same days. Many of our congregants believe that Thanksgiving was celebrated in the Beit Mikdash. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants… What happened to making people feel good... I'm not talking about giving massages. We did that once and Sadie was sued for harassment... They’re sitting alone for Kiddish… I know you’re not sitting alone. That’s the point. Sit with them… Yes. You’ll be without the other people... It’s not about you. Nobody cares if you’re popular. The Simchonis aren’t popular. You just sit with them… They look popular… You can care less about people feeling good... You want to feel good. You want to appease yourself... Yes. That's a problem... Community is about community. We need open doors. Open friendliness… If we can’t have the doors open, how are we going to have services??? How is it security? The doors to the shul are locked. People are locked out, Mike. It’s not friendly to be locked out… People can't even get in... They can’t use the doorbell… It’s Shabbis, Mark. If we're protecting the people, we have to put security at their homes... They're not coming to shul, Mike... They can't get in. When the doors are open, it's also a problem... It’s not inviting to have a 6’9” guy with a gun standing right outside the doors of our shul… It’s not about you. It’s about other people wanting to come to shul. And it's not friendly. You make them sit alone. And now they’re scared to even come in… Because there is an anti-Semite standing with a gun right outside the shul… He looks like an anti-Semite… You do nothing for other people. This shul has chosen to not be inviting recently… Clicks are not a good thing… No. They’re not a good thing. They’re selfish… You share nothing. Sharing your conversation is not a gift… You give money for Chanukah... Locking doors does not help with people get in… Locking doors doesn't help with membership... Social distancing doesn't help with membership... They don't come. And those that do come, ‘Come and we won’t talk to you unless if you’re the Simchonis.’ People are scared and you're not friendly... Yaakov does everything he can to appease Esav… That's how you get members... Everybody hates each other. That's fine. Esav hated him. I’m not saying to give gifts to the security guard… He doesn’t hate us… Yes. The president hates Ben… Then why are you locking the doors on him, Mike?! (Bereishit 32:4) ‘Yaakov sends angels.’ What have you sent to your brother, Dennis? What have you sent him… I know you get along. But did you send angels?... A box of chocolate coins is not a way to get your brother on your side... Money, Dennis. Give real money. It's a sham. Elite runs a sham... What has this shul sent the anti-Semites? If we sent them angels, we wouldn’t have to lock the door… I don’t want to go to a shul I can’t get into, Bernie… Yes. They padlocked me out once. And then they complained there was no Minyin. There’s got to be a better way to appease the local Jew haters… What did Yaakov do? He sends angels. He tells them to tell Esav that he lived with Lavan… It’s not fun living with Lavan. It’s like living with Michael. Always complaining and wanting more… Yes. Your daughter is like that too, Dennis. Does anybody raise congregants that don’t constantly want? Congregants that don’t constantly take and want more… When Yaakov hears Esav has 400 men with him, he splits up the camp. We should’ve split up the shul a long time ago… We lost a lot of members when we didn't split the congregation, years ago… Now, people don't join because you don’t sit with them at Kiddish… You can’t have a mega shul without congregants. Sit with them… Those were Esav’s congregants. Very similar to much of our congregation. They sat together to eat though... Yes. Yaakov was worried… He cared about his kids. He didn’t let them run around the halls in shul. He sent them to junior congregation… Reuven and Levi weren't running around the shul, doing cartwheels in the aisle… It’s crazy that your kids feel that free. Their freedom is wrong. (Bereishit 32:8) ‘He split up the people that were with him.’ Yes. I am suggesting the shul split up. He cared about them. Yaakov figured that if Esav gets one camp, at least the other camp can get away. Nobody can get away from Sarah’s kids, jumping on people in the middle of davening… I have no idea how they’re everywhere… He wanted people to be safe. I’ve seen families split up to enter shul at separate times... I understand the security guard is scary… The husbands want to be early for Shacharit. Oh. I get it… (32:9) ‘If one camp is struck, the other camp can escape.’ Keep the good congregants… Yes. We need doors unlocked... So we don't lose the good congregants. They can't get in, Bernie... Appease people. Let them in. Give gifts. Channukah is coming up... When something is scary. When there is fear. You have to prepare. Not one member on the right side of the shul can prepare a decent Shabbat dinner... Yaakov splits up the camp. He then prepares to appease… Safety comes first. Which is why the children are not going to use the new children’s siddur anymore… They’ve been whacking each other with the hardback prayer books… (Bereishit 32:9) Rashi says Yaakov prepared for three things when encountering Esav. For a gift, for war and for prayer… What have you ever prepared for, Simmy? Your son’s Bar Mitzvah didn’t even have the Kiddish. The Friedmans sponsored their five year old daughter's birthday. They beat you to the dedication… It was Simcha’s Bar Mitzvah. You prepare… The shul’s gala wasn’t even prepared… There goes our president again. It was a bring your own dinner. Not even potluck… Yaakov appeases Esav with 'Doron.' He gives him gifts. Because he 'fears’… Appeasing, meaning to initiate. You didn't initiate a decent Kiddish, so Simcha didn't get gifts... Of course he prays. It is about appeasing… Your ego gets in the way. Yaakov appeases Gd… He prays, Mark. Praying is important. It gives Gd a good feeling… I know that we’re having problems with good feelings in the shul. People can’t get in. The security guard hasn’t smiled and makes people scared... He stares them down. It’s scary. People are sitting alone. They don’t feel appeased. Have you gotten any gifts for anybody?... Exactly. No gifts. Chanukah is coming up and you haven’t prepared... You prepare gifts for three days... There are shul programs and community candle lightings on the others. (Bereishit 32:11) In his prayer to H', Yaakov pleads, 'Oh, I have become small, because of all Your Kindness.' We are humbled when someone shows us kindness. There has been no kindness shown… I have not been humbled as a rabbi here. I have been… It's not humbling to be locked out of shul... If you can't enter the shul to pray... It's not humbling. It's humiliating to sit alone. You selfish... Yaakov pleads and even brings up the crossing the 'Yarden' river with his staff. Even before droughts, when the river was higher than 2 feet, Yaakov passed the river... Yes. He needed a staff. How else can you tell the depth... It is about getting your feet wet. And Yaakov did not like water. H' places those rocks in the river, for us... You slip on the rocks, because you don't have a staff... Being taken advantage of for 20 years, by Lavan, having the famous daughter for daughter switch, is not something to bring up when thanking H' for kindness. It was the crossing the Yarden. Three feet. Which he had to do by himself… Caution. We learn caution from Yaakov… We shouldn’t have to be cautious because of the security guard that we hired… When Kindness is done, we respect... We should respect and apprecaite. Yaakov pleads to Gd. Asks for His kindness to continue and to let them live. It’s not kindness to let Kim sit alone. It’s not kindness to Zoom visit the sick… The security guard is scary. Yaakov is in a scary place and he turns to H'. He pleads out of respect. What teenager in this shul has ever showed gratitude?... Your prayer may get answered, but you won’t get the allowance raise you wanted…. Do they kiss up to their parents? Yes. Because they want something. Do they show appreciation, bring up their kindness that they have done for them? Are they humbled, due to respect? No. But they want chocolate coins... Your parents gave you life. They gave you a roof over head. They gave you school. Do you thank them? No... They gave you school! Yaakov, out of 20 years of servitude, still thanks H' and sees H's kindness. For he knows it is up to H' whether the rock is slippery or not. I think that it was around 20, and I think I know that because my parents forced me to go to school... Yaakov does not plead to man. He offers gifts, he appeases man. But he does plead to H.' He pleads to H' because he honors H' and knows that H' decides and has given him life. You give gifts to man… It’s Chanukah for crying out loud… Appeasement.... I have no idea where this Dvar Torah is going.... You must honor your parents. You must also fear them.....Commandments.... When you fear, you appease. When you honor, you kiss up. When you honor who you fear, you plead for allowance... Your parents decide. They decide where you will go to school. They decide where you will go to camp. They decide where you will grow up. They are the ones to blame... They haven't paid dues... You must see the kindness, even through the pain of life they put you through. You will have challenges, and you will need your parents. The challenges you will need to appease. When you need the help of those who you respect, it is your parents you must plead to for money.... It's hard to cross over that Yarden by yourself. Many Jews have done it. When you make Aliyah, there is always a point where we have to plead for financial help... Nobody gives you a staff. You have to take that staff yourself... For safety. There's security... Yaakov prepares for fight.... Splits up the camp. Protect the important people. We care when bombs come into Tel Aviv... And he fights when he needs to. Yaakov struggles with the angel... There’s enough fighting in this shul... We don't need to be worrying about a security guard. That's not a struggle for the soul of our people, to hire a guy who scares us... I understand you don’t like people that are not hanging with the Simchonis… If they’re going to be members, we need to treat them better. Give them gifts… Chanukah is coming up. Give them something… We learn from Yaakov that we have to appease people. We need to be kind… Sheep are good. They’ll take them. We have to humble with our kindness. Give gifts. Give something of ourselves. You sit with people other than the Simchonis. You selfish… Don’t make your life great. Make it meaningful. Show respect to others. Keep the Mitzvot and be kind. Don't be like Mike. He refuses to give me a raise. Not even a Chanukah bonus... (Bereishit 32:5) Rashi says that when the Torah says 'with Lavan I lived,' Yaakov is saying he kept the 613 mitzvot. ‘Garti’, the word for lived, in Gematria is 613. The number of Mitzvot... If it was this congregation, it would be the eight mitzvot. H' watches over us. When we keep the Mitzvot, H' watches over us... Because you don't keep the Mitzvot, Dennis... May H' protect us from the security guy… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi was never invited to sit with the Simchonis. They invited me once. I think that was the week I got my new hat. It was marvelous. You can't wear a hat like that more than once. It was the nicest hat I ever bought. If you don't throw it out after you wear it, you're pathetic. The rabbi made his point though. 'Community is about community' was the most profound thing I have heard, since the previous rabbi said, 'Shul is shul.' The kid siddurs are dangerous. Hardcovers and pointy edges. The kids do the 'thank You for waking me up' prayer and then get whacked with the thing. The youth director added a 'thank you for my eye not getting hit today' prayer. So the losers aren’t left alone, they’re assigning seats now at Kiddish. The rabbi was correct. People can’t get in if they’re locked out. There are a lot of anti-Semites in shul though. The membership really hates each other. I feel safer outside, away from the members. They had another program that people got locked out of. Trivia night only had seven people. Forty-eight were knocking. At the board meeting they all complained that the event was not well attended. Nobody could figure out why. But it was a meeting. They sat and talked about it. Many opinions were shared. Then there’s the security guard scaring people when the doors are not locked. People were so scared of the security guard, they started bringing him gifts. They treated him like Esav and tried to appease him. One of the members couldn't find cattle, so she gave him their dog. The dog was scary too, barking at everybody coming into shul. The people that weren’t friends with the Simchonis felt like the shul truly didn’t want them. The shul started a phone chain to let the losers know the security guard was not there to keep them out, even if nobody wanted to sit with them at Kiddish. By the way, assigned seats just embarrassed the losers. The rabbi wrote the names of the losers, on the place cards, instead of table numbers. He called it 'Kim’s table.' It was embarrassing. Once people started sitting together and talking, we lost fifteen members. They expressed how annoying it is to have to talk to ‘these people.’ That's what they called them, once they had to spend time with them. 'These people.' Some of the families that left suggested the shul should've split for fear of annoying people. That was a bold move by the rabbi, telling the members he doesn’t want them. The shul split may just happen. The rabbi is not happy that fifteen of the good members left. The locked doors and security hasn't stopped any anti-Semitism. I believe it's there to keep Ben out. Minyin has problems. Members never give more than a dollar to Tzedaka. No matter how much they make, when the charity box comes around, it's a dollar. i saw one guy pull out a $100 bill. Gave a dollar. And the members never bring anything less than tens. The charity box has now run out of dollar bills. The Gabai picked up three hundred one dollar bills, five months ago. They're all gone now. The rabbi gave a class on charity, and it appears that giving a dollar does not count for a full tithe. The Minyin needs more speed at davening if we’re going to get new members. Jack davens too slow. He can’t lead. The guy doesn’t know the Chazaras HaShas repetition nod. They nodded to him and he still looked back. You turn around and start the repetition. Even I know that you start the repetition right when you get the nod, or Bernie will yell at you. For the Chanukah party, they're planning a gift swap, and the rabbi is concerned the gifts are not going to be good. He's planning on hosting a gift prep forum, to teach the members to not give anything made at the house. That includes, sweaters, socks, scarves and anything made in an oven that the cook might think is good. If it's oily and fried, it is fine for Chanukah. The rabbi said he'll allow for that. Due to the rabbi’s sermon, and the lesson of Yaakov and Esav, people only gave gifts on Chanukah to people they hated. Gifts were mainly books about self-improvement. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album IV11/18/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done to hurt the reputation of Jews.
David participated in the ending of Sukkot tradition of whacking the Aravot and leaving your trash in shul... He left his lulav there, his Aravot on the floor. He also left an old Tshirt he's been trying to get rid of for a while, on the floor.
The reason we moved to Israel. Kosher Burger King. Menu on the wall... As David shared upon his Aliyah arrival, ‘The burgers are kosher. We’ve been redeemed.' Then, he ate and expressed his amazement at how they already knew what he wanted, like a miracle, as the burger was ready before he ordered... That one guy is not happy. He didn’t want sesames on his bun.
This is why kids love Torah. Because they have Oodles in them. (see onlykoshercandy.com for how to educate kids)
Rav Goren dancing in an Israeli Army Simchat Torah celebration in 1969. You can see how shocked he is that somebody is taking a picture on the Chag. He didn't realize that his non-religious relatives followed him to Israel. (Photo: I.P.P.A.- Dan Hadani)
Mashgiach at work. And people say that kosher work is easy. Here is an example of a rabbi working hard, sitting at his post, making sure the food is kosher. To note, this rabbi received employee of the month for his commitment to staying at his location and watching over the food. (we want to thank Brian, who shared this photo with management)
Married people praying for the single people behind them to get married. The singles are sitting in the back, as they are pathetic and nobody wants to look at them. The single men are praying that there is a single woman on the other side of the Mechitza. Their prayers are not answered, but they won’t know till the end of davening. (Photo: Amanda Borschel-Dan's article in TOI)
With nursing facilities closed, this guy is trying to figure out why his kids are trying to break into the room, scoping it out. He's asking when his kids turned into a bunch of stalkin hoodlums. (Photo: The Guardian)
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
This is why you don't eat with singles. All of them are fighting to make sure the other singles don't steal all the food. (Photo- NY Times of the Moishe House)
The single orthodox male thrives off of free food. The community wants to give him food. The question is how to find it. Where do you place yourself, so you can receive optimal amounts of free food, to get you through the week without cooking. To note, the correct phraseology for receiving free food is 'score.' You score free food.
We aren't worried about the single woman, as she knows how to cook. She just hasn't found somebody good looking enough to cook for yet. The single man needs food, and his survival is dependant on leftovers. Freshly cooked food is for married people. Some single men don't have the innate skill set to navigate other people's food. As I have mastered the art of taking food from others, here are some of the techniques and skills I have developed for survival and enjoyment as a single man. Leftovers Take them. Take them with pride. Married people will give them to you. If they find out you're single, they will search you out with tin pans of whatever they can find. You could be eating at a restaurant, if they find out you're single, they starting collections from the other tables and packing them for you. Feeding single people leftovers is communal. No matter how old you are, they assume that you can't cook. They're right. No single man would eat with married people if they knew how to cook. If there is no chance of meeting a girl, the single man is there for the food. You don't even have to ask, they will bag it for you. Take whatever they give you. Take whatever you can. Be Classy You already have a rep for being single. You don't to add 'no class' to that. Pretend like you don't need it. But take it. As you're carrying the tins out of the party, keep it classy. Smile and say, 'I don't need it, but thank you.' Be sure you're walking away as you say that, as they may insist that you give the food back. You don't want them to be in a position where they can grab it. Go Into Your Friend's Fridge After dinner, peruse through the upper shelves of the fridge. Never waste your time on the lower shelves. You don't need vegetables. When they ask what you're doing in their kitchen, tell them how nice it looks. Then, tell them how good the food looks. They should get the hint. If they don't, give them a blank stare with a little blush. Remember, you want to keep it classy. They will give you the food from their fridge. The subtle charity technique always works best when they want you out of their house. If you're intrusive enough, they'll empty the fridge and the pantry to ensure that you have enough food to not come back for months. Take Whatever They Give You - You Will Eat It They're throwing it out. Take it. Two weeks old? Take it. Married people can't handle two week old fish. You can. Use that to your advantage. They've become domesticated and are used to eating food that's been cooked in an oven. Some of them have never used a microwave. They wait for their food. Somebody is cooking fresh stuff nightly over in the married person's home. They can't handle the stuff from last week. Your stomach can. It has eaten your microwaved eggs for the past thirty years. Show Up to Shul Events If there is one thing the sisterhood loves to do, it's feed single people. They don't want single people in their homes, as single people are creepy, and they might be on the Family Watchdog list. Nonetheless, they want to feed the single-capable. Take what you can. Take all the tin pans they give you. Enjoy it. That food is fresh. It would be offensive to give leftovers from a community event to married people. As a single person, you walk out of that fundraiser with a smile and hands stacked in tin. Remember, part of the fundraiser is giving the single man food. Show Up to Family Events Your family will give you everything. You tried hosting them and they know how bad your food is. There's not enough room in the freezer for the cake. Take it. That's breakfast for the next month. At least you'll remember Shlomi's birthday, when you see his name on your food. Chanukah Parties Take as much oily food as you can. If the hosts aren't looking, take the bottle of oil. Preferably the liter and a half size. The oil may get to your stomach the first couple of days. After the first few days, the latkes, sufganiot and whatever sfingee thing you eat will go right through you. Holidays Show up. They will give you the leftovers. You can never have too much leftover brisket. You don't have to be invited. Take advantage of the Jewish 'Hachnasat Orchim' concept. If you look needy enough, they'll even invite you for Pesach. Can you imagine not having to Kasher you kitchen for Pesach. Taking home Seder food is a double win. Simchas Go to the wedding. When you walk out, say 'Mazel Tov' to the bride and groom, and take the souffles off the tables. People usually leave those. Crockpot Cooking If you can't find any food that you didn't pay for, use the crockpot. You'll mess up the white chicken otherwise. The great thing about the crockpot cooking technique is that whatever you make will taste like leftovers. Scavenge Do what you must. I don't suggest going through the garbage. That will hurt any chance you have of ever meeting somebody. Scavenging could be showing up to multiple homes on a Friday night. Jewish scavenging experts have the ability to find the food that was served for Friday night dinner, in the kitchen. Their ability to turn the dishes, that have been brought back into the kitchen, as buffet, shows their Hotel Breakfast in Israel Any proud single person will stack up five to eight plates at the table. It's still classy. The plates are china. The question is how to get that food home. After you've eaten, it is then time to use the napkin to swaddle the food; it is your baby, and until it is in the fridge, it must be watched over. After the food has been swaddled, you then bag it. Note of Importance: It's best to be invited to the hotel breakfast by somebody else. Remember, you don't want to have to pay for your leftovers. Bagging The bagging technique is really the key to single survival. If you don't have a bag, preferably luggage, it's impossible to take the amount that you need from your friend's house, to satisfy your weekly nourishment needs. The hotel's buffet is huge, because they know the single people have suitcases with them. Aluminum Foil To quote Yomi Groner, 'Don't forget aluminum foil. It keeps the food good for another day or two.' Many have overlooked aluminum foil since shrink wrap and Ziplocs became popular. Nonetheless, nothing hugs the leftovers as well as foil. Purchase a Microwave You need to heat up the food they gave you somehow. Stay away from ovens. You're not cooking for a family of nine. And the single man doesn't need to cook. They need to reheat. Warning: When using the microwave technique of reheating for the single man, separate the food from the aluminum foil. The survival of the single male is dependent on their ability to eat after the meal is finished. It's not what you eat at the buffet. It's not what you eat at your friend's home. It's how many dinners you took back from your friend's place. In my case, since I have mastered the technique of loading bags, it's dinners for the next month. That saves me having to eat at other people's homes again. Personally, I feel bad for the single women. They're stuck with people respecting them, thinking they know how to cook. Never try to look good. Keep it classy, but never try to look good. Bring your bag and load it up. Stack the tin pans. Scavenge their fridge. And never go to other single people for dinner; you'll walk away with nothing. Don't let shame get in the way. Getting food is a way of life. You're single. Your friends are already judging you. Your family already sees you as a failure. They’re really just giving you the leftovers because they’re worried you’ll come back for another dinner. They’re trying to get you out. So, enjoy the leftovers. Enjoy all the food people give you. And keep it classy. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeitzei11/13/2021 
Nothing went wrong in the shul, nobody did anything wrong, and the rabbi still found a way to give Musar. Our rabbi is brilliant. He always finds a way to rebuke the congregants. Even when they did nothing, he rebuked them. Greatest orator I have ever seen. As the rabbi said, ‘You people do nothing.’
There has been too much joking from the congregants, since Frank was a called a funny guy. Now everybody thinks they’re funny, because they can also do puns. It all started when the rabbi let Frank come up and do the announcements. The board thought it would be good for a member to make the announcements. The rabbi can’t stand it anymore. He even put up on his office door, ‘No puns. I will not listen to them anymore. They don’t pay me for this. I can’t pretend like you guys are funny. It makes me sick to listen to you. I get paid to deal with family crisis issues and lifecycle events. The lifecycle events have issues too. Nobody told me I would have to deal with the issues of congregants thinking that plays on words are funny. That was not in my contract. Frank is banned from the shul until this is fixed.’ Just seeing our congregants working on their homes on Sunday is embarrassing. The bad Shiptuzim, renovations, is embarrassing. Shmuel and his son were cleaning his roof with a Swiffer. I had to let Shmuel know that you can’t use a Swiffer for everything. Chanukah preparation has begun. A lot of chocolate coins. Simcha is not happy that he can’t pay his dues with them. The local butcher has made a lot of enemies with too much juice in his premade stuff. His food is amazing, but he is putting in too much juice. He’s charging $22.99 for juice. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants, Do I have to laugh at the congregants’ jokes? Is that my job? To listen to not funny stuff. Everybody wastes my time… ‘The rabbi is here, let’s waste his time. Got a question? Got a joke?’… If you don’t have a question, why are you coming to see me with a joke? Are there spiritual issues with your humor?... Yes. There are, Bernie… Dirty jokes would be less offensive than your humor. It offends my senses... From now on, I am making the announcements... Ever since Pinny left town, this shul has been mourning bad humor... I am going to go. VaYeitzei… That means to leave. I am going to leave if you guys tell me more bad jokes… You will feel the loss when the sisterhood and board start making all the decisions… Please stop talking in the back of the shul… Even during davening. When we are praying, you shouldn’t be talking either. The week's Torah portion begins with travel. Yaakov goes to Charan… If I knew where Charan was, I would be there. I would go… You haven’t done anything wrong. That’s the problem. You don’t do anything. You just tell me bad jokes… Do something. Do something right... Yes. I complain when you do wrong stuff... (28:10) 'And Yaakov left from Be'er Sheva.' Why does it say he left Be'er Sheva? Excellent question, which is why Rashi asks it. 'And Yaakov left’? Nobody has ever shared that piece of information. They say 'she used to live in St. Louis'... Who says 'she left'? Tell us, Bernie. It's that she moved from. Nobody says 'left this place'... Only when speaking about Topeka, because people want to leave this shul... We don't say it. They say it. They tell people they left. Does anybody remember the Goldblums? No. They left. They stopped paying dues. Nobody cares… It's not part of their life's description. Nobody showed up to Hymie Goldblum’s funeral saying he left Topeka. Nobody cared. So, he is gone. Good. Better for the community. Nobody could stand his family… We kept on sending the bulletin and calendar because we thought they would give something… They didn’t even give a donation. Somebody should’ve mentioned that at his funeral. ‘And Hymie never gave a donation, like the Feldblums’… Even more so, it's Be'er Sheva. I moved from America to Jerusalem. 'Didn't you live in Be'er Sheva in between?' I am trying to forget that. You see, they leave it out of the news.... Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva. Even when bombs were landing there, nobody in all of Israel cared. Once they came to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, that is when the news started caring about the rockets… Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva. Even when bombs were landing there, nobody in all of Israel cared. Once they came to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, that is when the news started caring about the rockets… Because nobody cares about Be’ar Sheva. Yaakov left. They are the Topeka of Israel. If I left Topeka… Tel Aviv and Jerusalem are important cities... Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva, and nobody cares about people leaving Be'er Sheva, since Yaakov... If you already lost Yaakov, it's not a big deal to lose Avigail... We’ve got to start caring about people leaving our shul. Be’er Sheva is still mourning Yaakov’s departure… It's hard to care when the Goldblums leave. I understand. The only question is how will the community survive. We need new members. We have to stop people from moving to Israel. Who is going to pay the dues… Rashi teaches why we start this week's portion with stating that Yaakov left Be'er Sheva. Because when a Tzadik leaves a city, it is felt. We miss the presence of a righteous individual. We care. Nobody cared when Yankel left… It leaves a mark on the town. When a Tzadik is in a city, 'He is the beauty,' he is the good of the city… If I left Topeka… Is there truly anything else beautiful here? Nobody felt a thing when Mr. Horwitz left. To be honest we were all happy. He is not a tzaddik, nor are his children. Is there anybody in this community we would care about? If Mrs. Tabkook left, I believe we would be relieved. Maybe the person that took her seat would pay dues... We would care if Sadie left. She makes a good choolante. That would be felt… We don't care about the Goldblums... Because people get involved and ruin it. If Sadie left, Michelle would start making choolante. It would be messed up... Pinny was a Tzadik... His humor was better than Franks... OK. Not a Tzadik. Just somebody who didn't ruin the personality of the shul... May we all merit to do at least some good for this congregation and may we have a reason to care about Be'er Sheva again... What happened on his journey? (Bereishit 28:11-14) He takes rocks and places them around his head and he dreams about a ladder going up to heaven and ‘angels of Gd are going up and down it’… Pillows weren’t fluffy back then. They didn’t have My Pillow… People probably slept on ladders. You sleep right in the middle of davening, Yossi… Pews are not more comfortable than ladders. They make pews uncomfortable so that people don’t sleep during services. The 95 degree angle, hard unpolished wood... H’ stands over Yaakov and tells him that the land he is lying on is going to be for his seed. Yaakov is fleeing and H' is talking about his offspring... The focus isn't on himself. It's on his future. Does anybody care about the future of this shul?... You wouldn't be raising Michael and Tizi like that if you cared... They run around. Little Pinny is crazy... H' continues to tell him He is going to have offspring like the dust of the earth… You make people not want to birth... People work for their next generation. They want it good for their kids. You won't even hire a youth director... We need somebody directing these kids away from the shul... So, that we can daven, Rachel. (Bereishit 28:15) H’ continues to tell him that he will be with him. He continues, 'I will guard you wherever you go… I will not forsake you until I have done what I promised you’… H’ sticks around, unlike the Michaelson family who left to Florida last week, for the winter... I’ve been forsaken but the congregation… Every winter, half of the congregants forsake us for heat... Charan wasn't warmer than Be'er Sheva... Then he wakes up from his dream… That’s enough of a dream. Ever have one of those dreams where Gd is telling you that your offspring is going to be running the land... Not building a house. The ladder was for the angels. What do we do on our journey? Do we dream or do we do. Nobody remembers the dream. The dream is what gets us there. Yaakov didn't just dream. We remember Yaakov because of what he did in Be’er Sheva. The people missed him... After the dream, he does. He doesn't just write it in his journal... They didn't have psychologists back then... People weren't crazy talking to Gd, because they didn't have people analyzing... Dr. Froidman is a heretic. The dream about leaving Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah was reality. If you leave, this shul the kids will want to... (Bereishit 28:16-22) He takes the stone from his head and makes a monument. He says that if he returns in peace, as H’ promised, this will be a place of worship, of H’… Yaakov does stuff. He made that vow and he did it... You haven't built anything. Your paper mache is messed up too.... He doesn’t say, ‘If I come back, I will make a calendar’… No more shul calendars. The times never change… Every organization thinks they’ll make money off a calendar… Yakov was aware, as he says, (Bereishit 28:16) ‘H’ is in this place and I didn’t know it.’ How many times are we not aware of our surroundings?... Then you realize you're in shul and you still talk the whole time... The whole of Shacharit you're talking. Aware!... It’s about doing something when you have that chance. When you realize. Yakov realized he didn’t notice something. Once he noticed, he did something… Nobody has fixed the leak in the ceiling. Nobody has fixed the quilt… Nobody cares that it was put together by the community. We need something nice... A nice quilt would be nice. Nobody gave the rabbi a raise… You know you haven’t given him one… Yaakov was speaking of the future spot of the Beit Hamikdash, when he made his monument. And we build a small shul here. We need a mega shul… Yes. The Beit Hamikash was a Mega Shul… No microphones, but great acoustics. It’s amazing what you can do with acoustics… Things happen when there is Hakarat Hatov. Recognizing the good. Yaakov’s good was recognized by the people of Be’er Sheva. Yaakov recognized H’s good. Nobody recognizes what I do for this shul... When you care, your presence is felt… When you sit in the back, like Frank, and go to Kiddish club, nobody cares about you... Stealing is wrong... Lavan steal from Yaakov. The butcher charging 22.99 for juice is theft... The Goldblums should give a donation to the shul. Rivka Thoughts on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Everybody went back to buying raw meat. The rabbi considered the people to be the personality of the shul. I thought he meant the personalities. But he meant the personality, in singular. I thought the personality was the quilt by the ark. He realized that one person with a bad sense of humor can kill the whole shul. He never ends his sermons with a pleasantry, kind of like he’s writing a letter. He always starts relaxed and then gets angry at the end. Always ends very abruptly. They were talking the whole davening. You could hear them. The whole shul. They didn’t even try to whisper. It was a loud talk. Not a scream, but a loud talk. More than room level. That’s how Bryan talks. Very loud. The whole shul could hear it. Bryan thinks he's talking to Bernie or Max all the time. He thinks it's tradition to talk loud in shul. Yes. There are old people. You reserve loud for them. You scream at old people. Max once asked me what he did wrong. I had to yell at him, 'It's not your fault. You're old.' He was talking to Dave. Dave's fifty. He hasn't even reached his sixties yet. There's no reason to yell at him. After the Bryan screaming fiasco, the rabbi decided it was good to let them all go out to the Kiddish club. This way he wouldn’t have to see them in the shul. It was between talking in shul or talking at the Kiddish club. I checked out the Kiddish club. Bryan doesn't talk when he's drinking. The board brought up the idea of a bar in shul. Kim figured it will help reduce the noise level if they're drinking. She didn't realize that after they're drinking they start talking again; if you're not drinking, that is louder. The rabbi went off on the calendars. I asked other members of the shul. It turns out that each of them got fifteen to twenty calendars this year from organizations. The rabbis right. You only need three. The rabbi did start speaking about his beauty, which made everybody uncomfortable. Later on, he said he was talking of his spiritual beauty, but it was still uncomfortable. He sounded like a wrestler from the 1980s. Most similar to ‘The Macho Man’ Randy Savage. When he stopped talking about his beauty, a breath of fresh air was felt. The rabbi said that breath of fresh air was his beauty. His spiritual beauty. Come to think of it, nobody really did care about the Godlblums leaving. The rabbi said how unimportant every person is in the shul was. He went through all of the names. He mainly focused on the back left. We have to take more pride in our rabbi. Other shuls are pushing their rabbis on all their flyers. Their websites are full of their rabbis. I think our rabbi was mentioning his beauty to get on a flyer. He's hurt that he hasn't been pushed. A couple weeks down the road, the shul put the rabbi on the flyer and he stopped threatening to leave. We tried building a mega shul, but we didn’t have the membership. The 110 family membership didn’t call for a stadium. Before My Pillow, I couldn’t find a decent pillow. Now, I go to Walmart and pick up some Mainstays. Love it. Great brand. I am sticking with Mainstays. I think that My Pillow commercial got me thinking to buy a new pillow. When the rabbi brought up Hymie Goldblum, many were saddened. They started thinking about their demise, and they went out and spent their money. There was a shul trip to the casino, at The Passings. Nobody donated money to the shul. After seeing the age of the people hanging out at The Passings, Francine called it The Passings Away. That got the rabbi mad again. Francine started going at least twice a week. She believes it is preparing her for her afterlife. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
On Yom Kippur, I want to be at a relaxed Minyin. I don’t want to be at one that's in-tents.
You get it? With COVID, many shuls are having services in tents. People are also very intense. Amazing. An Etrog is the only item in which "BiDots" is not kosher. You get it? Badatz is a kosher certification in Israel. It sounds the same as 'BiDots.' ‘Bi’ as a prefix can mean ‘with,’ in Hebrew, and an Etrog can’t be with dots. Another amazing bilingual pun. We are your source for puns that you have to be multilingual to understand. I knew something fishy was going on when I saw lox on all the doors. You get it? Lox is a fish. Locks are used on doors. Fish are created on the fifth day. Do you hear it? Think phonetically. Like any good pun, it has to be told, not written. The most brilliant pun yet. I do my job religiously. I always wear my Yarmulka at work. You get it? Wearing a Yarmulke is religious. Working diligently is religious too. Mordechai is a good Jew, and brilliant. What do you call a bird with good Hebrew grammar? A dikduck. You get it? Dikduk means grammar in Hebrew. Substituting 'duk' with 'duck.' Brilliant. And the animals are laughing too. Why did they say Psalms for the sick man? Because they wanted To-HEaL-hIM. You get it? We say Tehillim (psalms) for sick people. You want to heal them. Avraham wasn't well after the bris... Avraham was very serious about burying Sarah, so he buried her in a grave. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Grave means serious, and it's also where you bury people. Avraham buries Sarah in the Cave of Machpela in Chevron. Puns are about the lesson. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Jewish Catalog left out the stalking people to get into the hotel fix it.
Vacationing as a Jew can be hard. At some point all good Jews will be stuck in a hotel or the wilderness on Shabbat, and nobody is ever fully prepared. Asides from finding kosher food, the greatest concern is how to make for your beautiful Shabbat when the Four Seasons has no idea how to make a decent kishka.
I don’t know if all of these are acceptable fix its according to Jewish law. Even so, these are all fix its that I've heard or learned from other Jews over the years. Electronic Door Fix It Your goal is to get into your hotel room. However, the anti-Semites have decided to make hotel keys electronic. They couldn't keep us out of the country clubs that banned us. They're not going to keep us out of hotels with non-kosher food. Your first fix it is to tie a string to the door handle and to run the string down and outside of the door. This way, you can pull the inside handle from the outside and anybody who looks down can break in easier. Make sure you have tape, as the string is sure to fall or slip off the handle, which is very disappointing to the passerby who can’t take your stuff now. You'll want to watch out for cats that might be roaming around the hotel, who like to play with yarn. You can do this or leave the door open. Either way, you want to make it easy for people to access your stuff. Your second fix it is the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in your door, where the door lock latch bolt is now stopped by the sign that you stuck into the door. This was created by a Jew I know who was proficient at breaking into homes with credit cards. The 'Do Not Disturb' sign is perfect for this as it is sends a strong message to the person breaking into your room, to keep it quiet when in your room, especially if somebody is sleeping; manners come first. The worst is when room service messes up your fix it. With the placement of the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in the door itself, and not on the handle, you want to watch out for room service. They'll kill this rig, coming in and making your bed. Third fix it. Leave door unlocked and place the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the outer handle. I Building an Eruv There was no room at the Four Seasons and you were not willing to downgrade to the Holiday Inn, so you are camping. Now you are in the wilderness and need to build an Eruv to create an enclosure for yourself with a string, so that you can carry, all because you are not willing to stay in a hotel that has a non-electronic front door option for Shabbat. As a religious Jew, non-electronic doors are beneath you. People use fishing lines, and not rope, as a fishing line does not sag as much and it’s harder to see. If people trip over your Eruv or choke themselves, you’ve built it correctly. Electric Door To Building Fix It As if hotels haven't done enough with the electronic keys, they've spread their anti-Semitism to the whole real estate market. Most of the staff at these hotels are trying to figure out why the Jews are so quiet on Friday nights. It's because most of them have no idea how to get in. Why they pay for hotels over Shabbat still baffles me. Entering a building with electronic doors can be very hard and time consuming. What you want to do in this circumstance is wait right by the front door till somebody is entering the building for themselves, and then walk in right when they do. Right after them. You can try to avoid the awkwardness of this encounter by mimicking their exact walk, as Mr. Bean would. Remember to mock them. This will take the attention off of the fact that you are Jewish and creepy. It might get you a reputation as a stalker in the area. Nonetheless, if you are not attacked by the person you are following, you are OK and you can enjoy the rest of your Shabbat. If you are attacked, it should be an atonement for staying at the hotel that does not have regular doors. The following people on Shabbat method works best if you study the other people's daily patterns. No Eruv Shabbat Key Belt Fix It Best way to get in and out of your place with no Eruv is to use the Shabbat key belt. The idea of the Shabbat key belt is to make the key a usable part of the belt and to make sure the belt looks off. You do this by dressing in your finest Shabbat clothes, while fashioning a belt whose buckle is the key. Best way to do it is to take your regular leather belt and destroy it. You can also purchase the Shabbat belt on Amazon, which is basically a child safety strap with hooks on it. It should look like a dog collar that got messed up. If you are stuck with no belt that you want to destroy and no child safety Shabbat accessories, you can take an undergarment elastic band and connect it around your waist with a key, and then hold up your pants with that. As long as you look like a fool, you are fine. The main idea is to have people wondering why you went to such lengths to not have to carry a key chain. You can also use a bag shoulder strap. Some of the canvas bags have extremely durable shoulder straps. If you're lucky, and not too heavy, somebody may carry you through the front door of the hotel. Praying with A Community Fix It Go to shul. This is how you fix that. Shabbat Tablecloth Fix It Hotel towels. They are white and make for a comfortable tablecloth when you are coming out of the shower. The towel tablecloth is also great for spills. If you don’t have a tallit, you can also double a towel as a tallit, if you are willing to destroy and keep hotel property. Once you've already added the tassels, they will have no argument when you take this towel out of the hotel. Grape Juice Fix It You forgot wine and can’t make the Kiddush blessing the way you like to. Don’t fear. Take raisins and let them sit in boiling water. Then, squeeze out what you have in the raisin and voila. That’s it. Two hours later, you have grape juice. Start up a juice making factory in your hotel room and you too can make your beautiful vacation Shabbat. If starting a factory is too much for you, you can go to the supermarket. Havdalah Candles Fix It For the Havdalah candle, it is best to have many wicks, put together. For this reason, if you do not have a Havdalah candle, you want to take two candles and hold them together, so that wax can drip on your fingers. If you do not have that, I have seen people take two matches from the hotel matchbox and bring them together. As long as there’s danger of first degree burns you are doing Havdalah right. Lighting fires is not allowed in hotels; however, matchboxes make for great advertisement, so they are there. Tiki candles can also be used for Havdalah, lighting on Friday night, luaus, and burning holes in anything you put them on that is not glass. Pack Everything You Need & Food Fix It That is the only way to ensure you will have a decent Shabbat on the road. Pack the Havdalah candles, spices, rope, tape, fishing wire, child safety belts, Mana Chamas, all of Meal Mart and salami. Packing is the first and most important step of the Jewish travel fix it. So, don’t pack anything other than the kosher food and Shabbat necessities. Every town sells socks. All countries have clothes. Don’t pack those. Not everybody sells decent choolant. Pack that. You don’t want to have to run into town on vacation trying to find fish tackle, to ensure that skin is pierced when one trips over your Eruv Booby Trap. The number one fix it for the Jewish kosher traveler is to go to New York City for your vacation. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke: Toldot11/5/2021 
Anti-Semitism has reached new heights in the shul. The cleaning staff that comes in for the week blames the Jews for the dirtiness in the shul. One of the cleaning staff complained that they don’t want to come into a place that is dirty. The shul’s secretary told them that cleaning didn’t sound like the right job for her, as people are usually cleaning dirt. She told the rabbi she was offended, and she only wants to clean places that are clean. She loves cleanliness. To quote, ‘That’s why I got involved in cleaning.’ So, she’s also blaming the Jews for the dirt; the dirt and sacrificing children for Matzah.
At the minor league baseball game, somebody blamed the Jews in the front row for the loss. Asides from the fact that Pinchas caught the foul ball that would’ve ended the game, it should not have been blamed on Jews. The whole people was blamed for Pinchas. It makes me question if Pinchas should wear his Kippah in public. It appears that these local anti-Semites will blame Jews for everything. It’s always ‘those Jews.’ One anti-Semite stubbed her toe on the bus and yelled, ‘Those Jews.’ Now the kids are reading the Parsha sheets at the table. The rabbi’s plea to stop sending home sheets to be read has been overridden by the teachers. Now they’re having the kids read the Parsha Divrei Torah. It is so much worse. It went much quicker when the parents were reading. These kids read so slow. Which is why I suggested to have after school reading lessons for the kids; to help us get through Friday night meals in our town. The new shul president is big on kiddish catering. Everybody is enjoying the food. The fact that the sisterhood has no say anymore is loved by all. Now, the sisterhood members have to fight with their spouses. We started a community retainment program. The new concept is to keep people in the shul, once they come. We’ve extended Kiddish with dinner and then board games. The Chazin is doing his job. He's extended his notes. The rabbi is not a fan of the Chazin's role in retainment. He's not happy with the Chazin's role in the shul. The youth group kids don’t leave shul at all. They stay all day on Shabbat. The services are not the draw. People come for food. We retain people now with promised Kiddishes every Shabbat. We don’t allow people to take it home. If we did, they wouldn’t be in shul. We’ve noticed that the Bikur Choim Matzah Ball soup campaign draws more people to shul, when we serve it to the sick people at shul. I suggested building an apartment complex at the shul. That will allow for more retainment as well. If they don’t leave, we’ll have a better chance of retaining them. If they leave, they might find another shul, or golf to do on Shabbat. The rabbi converted four more people last week. That’s four more people that won’t pay dues. If there were dues paid, we wouldn’t need Bingo. But we need the Bingo volunteers. Some are arguing its gambling. They suggested to have slot machines instead. People can play the slots when they come to shul, and the members would end up paying their dues. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom uMvorach We’ve retained new members… The food does it… Nobody wants your puns, Chaim. You chase away people with your annoying conversation… It’s not a retainer. We're talking aout retainin members… Money would work to retain members… The new shul parking lot is going to be built two blocks away from the shul. That is where you all park on Shabbat already… This way, the shul parking lot will be used... Exactly. You shouldn’t drive on Shabbat. But we have to think about our members… We saw what happened at Sinai. When members making decisions, bad things happen… The shul is now dirty as anything… Because you pick up nothing. Your kid eats half a lollipop and drops it… You don't pick up after him Mark. And now we've lost a cleaning lady... She doesn't want to work around dirt. There’s been much fighting in this community this week. Many of you feel that Bingo is gambling, but there are people in this synagogue that understand the importance of a building fund… If you paid your dues, we wouldn’t need Bingo… The building fund is because you don’t pay your dues… Then help with something. Fix the leak. Get a wrench and fix it… All the fights about Bingo. And now you’re fighting about the parking lot being too far from the shul to have Bingo… This week is when we see the constant bickering of Yaakov & Esav, like Sadie and Francine… The sisterhood fights… They were even fighting in her stomach... There were no Legos. No Weebles. No Tonka in there. But kids still fight. Rashi continues to say they were running different ways. Yaakov would try to run out when passing the Beit Midrash, house of Torah study. Esav would try to run out when they passed the house of idol worship (Rashi 25:22)… Torah was always around… Yes. Even before there was Torah. Before Torah, there was Torah. That was the Torah that Yaakov learned… How? I don’t know. But he learned it. Good and evil can’t get along. Look at me and the shul’s president. Look at him. It’s a Shanda… (Bereishit 25:22) Rivka asks 'If this is so (after living fine without having kids and not having to pay for their Jewish Day School education) Why is this happening me?' A question I ask myself about this shul every Shabbat… I see the evil and I see Sarah. One decent person in this shul, and she’s not on the board. (Rashi) She wants to know why she has to deal with this pregnancy. Why a pregnancy that she will have to remind her children about every day of their lives?... Francine is still complaining about Mark. He’s seventy-two. Let it go… Why a pregnancy that the Jewish people will have to hear about forever? I've heard of mother's complaining of a hard labor. But this is millennia of complaints. The most talked about labor, and it doesn't stop.... It doesn't stop, because that fighting is still going on in the world, today. And that fighting is still going on in our congregation. Look at the sisterhood. And mothers are still complaining. And dads are still educating their children wrong and picking favorites. And the quilt is still right here. Ugly as anything… You fight it. You fight the evil and talk of it all the time. Bernie... When will it stop? (Bereishit 25:23) H' tells her 'There are two nations within you.' Nothing positive. Nothing redeeming. Just that your kids are going to constantly bicker. Like the children of this congregation who... Mrs. Goldwitz, I don't know if you're disciplining your children at home, but nobody likes hearing the domestics in the middle of Musaf. 'Get out of shul!!!' You're screaming at the kids… I got scared... I’ve left the synagogue on occasion; scared you were screaming at me. If there is any time for an abortion this is it.... Is that what we want in this shul? Two different people fighting all the time... 'Gambling is wrong,' they say. 'Fighting is wrong,' I say. We don't want a Jewish Edom experience. Now, I understand the shul has not seen much of the Bingo monies and many people claim the rabbi is siphoning funds... Changes can happen. (Bereishit 25:21) Yitzchak prays for Rivka to have a baby, and she conceives. H’ has to accept our prayers… Be better. Be better than Michael and your prayers will be answered… You don’t even pray to have children. You have them and you don’t even thank H’... Prayer can help with change. I am praying that people will raise money for the building fund… We need retention. We need liveliness. We need a Chazin who doesn’t… The tunes kill our retention efforts… Nobody cares if they’re meaningful. Are you at the Kiddish club? Do you hear the fights… The tunes are killing the shul. There would be no Bingo fights if the Chazin did a better Musaf… We can make things better. We are here today praying. Is anybody praying to get rid of the Chazin?... There are two ways to run a shul. Two different ideas. The messed-up way, and then there is listening to your rabbi… That’s the right way… Why are you listening to Linda? Who is Linda?... Less food is messed up… Bingo is not gambling. It’s hoping that you’ll win. Hope is prayer. It’s the thrill of yelling ‘Bingo’… It happens not very often. But when you have that thrill… Bingo is a fundraiser for the shul. Bingo is a Mitzvah… Inviting anti-Semites is not the right way to run the shul… If they’re playing Bingo. It’s fine. The point is that we can't run the shul the wrong way. There will always be hatred of good by the wrong way. Such as Bernie... As Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai says, ‘Esav hates Yakov.’ Morty hates Max too. The cleaning crew hates to clean dirt… Yes. The cleaning staff are anti-Semites. (Bereishit 25:30) Esav tells Yakov to ‘pour into me some of your red red stuff…’ He hates him, but he’s fine with him, as long as there is soup. Nobody fights when they’re eating soup… We need soup to retain the membership. We need soup at Bingo… A watery choolante is fine. Add some croutons to that… You never offered the cleaning staff Kiddish... At least make some decent soup. Sharing soup can make it all better. It can bring down the level of hatred. Even if just for a day. People will come for soup… Everybody gets along when there is enough soup… It’s winter. We don’t need gazpacho. How many times do I have to argue with Rachel about this… No. That’s not the smell of lentil soup. That’s from Bingo… That’s smoke, you’re smelling… You can’t have Bingo with no smoking… When you gamble, you lose stuff. When you’re going off a whim, you lose stuff. You make bad decisions. The shul quilt. Bad decision… Bingo is not gambling. It’s a fundraiser… Esav would’ve parked in the shul parking lot… You retain people when they have a place to park. You retain people when you do Mitzvot, have a Bingo campaign, give them food, a decent lentil soup, and give them a place to park… We already have evil members not doing Mitzvot… The Chazin’s Musaf doesn’t retain… Soup. Lentil soup every Shabbis. The new shul catering staff… We’re paying people now, because they cleanup after they finish. We can't retain the cleaning crew if we don't cleanup. They're mad about cleaning... The sisterhood was fighting too much… You never cleaned. You just fought about the Stella D’oros. A lot of evil. This is why the shul can't move along. Thank you to the president. Evil… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi’s speeches getting longer also helps retain people. The rabbi blames the Chazin for everything. Even the lack of retention is being blamed on the Chazin. His tunes do go real long. The long tunes keep people in shul though. There's something redeeming about the Chazin there, but the rabbi won't see it. Rabbis hat Chazins, to quote a Gemara somewhere. The rabbi hates that quilt. He talks about it every Shabbis. The following week, no kids came to shul. The principal reported that all kids in school that week were complaining that their parents were complaining about how hard it was to raise them. One kid, for show-and-tell brought in her birth certificate which had a handwritten ’30 hours of labor.’ Her mom kept that as proof. She showed it to her everytime she didn't take out the garbage. Bingo wasn’t making enough money, so they consulted with a casino arcade. The religious themed slot machines in the front of the shul are a bit gaudy. Even so, there is no feeling like getting three Lords in a row. The rabbi got rid of that machine after a couple months, claiming that there is only one Lord. He then went on from the Rambam's teachings of one Gd, to reading Lord of the Rings to the congregation, to saying Lord of the Rings is forbidden. It was all very confusing. The cleaning staff still hasn't helped clean from Bingo. They still call the people that come for Bingo, Jews. There might be a couple of Jews, but it's usually local people who can't afford the new casino in Faytville. They're convinced Bingo is a service. They won't accept that the caller is not a Chazin. A few months later, we had to get a new cleaning crew. When they saw the place was clean, they noticed that they had time to dust. Dusting got them real mad. The parking lot was built and it was a great success. The problem is that many of the more almost Shomer Shabbis members don’t like people seeing them park. So they started parking four blocks away. Himelstein is parking further away than his home. I think he has an issue with walking from his home on Shabbat. The soup campaign started working. More members were coming to shul. The sick people came. The whole ordeal of delivering soup to their homes was over. They started coming to Kiddish. They got their soup and they were happy. More people in the shul got sick, but it was fine, as we had soup there. After a couple of weeks of people not feeling well, they added Matzah Balls to the soup and everybody felt better. The sisterhood always fights. They make Kiddish and fight. If they went to the Kiddish club before going to set-up for Kiddish, they would be more relaxed. They're not even setting up anymore, and they still fight about the caterer. The caterer gave up after two weeks and let the sisterhood takeover the setup, so they could fight while doing something. We still have the caterer, to ensure that nobody gets injured. The rabbi just got back from Israel. He went on a quick trip because he missed going for Parshat Chayei Sarah. He came back with the ‘uMVorach’ added to the ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ We learn that Yitzchak is told not to leave Israel, so the rabbi became very Israeli, and then left. The shul needs a cleanup. People are letting things just stay on the floor. Kids drop stuff and that is fine somehow. These parents nowadays can’t parent anymore. They’re afraid to tell their kids they’re wrong. They’ll scream at the soccer referee. The soccer ref has kicked parents out of games for thinking their kids are the best. I was happy to see our rabbi adopt this method of getting the annoying parents out of the shul. The rabbi gave a red flag to Mark's mom. Finally. It's been ninety-two years. A new fitness facility was built in the shul. There are no mats, just carpeting. The board refuses to change the carpet-look of the shul. It's tradition. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Jewish Superheroes Among Us11/2/2021
We decided that the Israeli Superhero Uri-On could be more Jewish if we added a Kippah. We just took away his greatest power of not being Shomer Shabbat, given to him by his friend Chiloni Woman, who blames Dati Jews for everything, like buses that don't run on Shabbat.
Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology.
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it. If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English. Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante. Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin. Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things. Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite. Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak. Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul. Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’ Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other. Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher. Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk. Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money. Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man. Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish. Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil. New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate. Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers. Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources. Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man. Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him. Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence. Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread. Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling. Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas. Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat. Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse. Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing. Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him. Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People. Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we... I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat. Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism. May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
|
Esav was mad his Birthright didn’t allow him a free trip to Israel… He was already there. You get it? Esav sold his birthright to Yaakov. Birthright gives free trips to Israel. Esav didn’t get that. That’s probably the reason he was mad at Yaakov. If he wasn’t living in Israel, he still wouldn’t have got it. They didn’t have Birthright back then. 
His modeling career took off with the Dr. Shtaygen’s collapsible Shtender. Some models are discovered in malls. Frum models are discovered in the Beit Midrash or at Essen on Coney... Different standards. The Frum model is going for a heavier look.
David Kilimnick’s One-man Reunion Tour
David performs his Original Songs of Israel Love and Peace such as 'Marzipan Rugulach' and 'Smack Your Little Kid'... Click on the picture for your tickets in Rochester
Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... teaching that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
Categories
All
Archives
December 2024
|
Your Weekly Jewish Humor Magazine for a Gazunta Laugh about Life
We found
results for you
We've got nothin'!
RSS Feed
© 2021 Kibbitzer Magazine and JHF. All rights reserved.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
11/29/2021
0 Comments