Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean.

You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning.
 
Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year.
It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market.
 
The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim.
 
We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you...

We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician...

(Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club...
Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish...
You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel.

Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts.
Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops...

And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying...

OK. I'll take questions...
Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs...

The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on...
I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach...

You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake...
Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves...

You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows.

The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community...
Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you...

What are my sources? The Torah.

Rivka's Rundown
The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year.

Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave.
Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids.

The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism.

They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon.

Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true.
The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’

I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good.
I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them.

The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.'

I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more.
Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude.
What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.'
How these kids are allowed to take all the food...
I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays.

I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical.

I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now.
Martha's Cleaning Service now hates Jews.

Laws 11: Anthropomorphisms Whatever Those Mean

We have clarified H' doesn't have a body or corporeal being.
Let me repeat. H’ doesn’t have a body, He doesn't have feelings. He doesn't have to work out to keep toned and He does not have body dysmorphia. And that is why many Frum Jews who try to follow in H's ways are very out of shape.
Sticks and stones will not break H's bones, but you will go to Gehenim for calling Him names. That is how I learned the saying.
Note: I use the word corporeal so you can learn something new from here. And it makes me look smart. And I have no idea what corporeal means.

There is no separation. No greater or worse. No going up and no coming down. Gd is Gd. No anger or laughter. Nothing physical is Gd.
H' is One. That's it. Why I keep coming back to the Shema is because you don't get it. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times, I can't tell you. It's very confusing.
What does 'One' mean? Unity, no difference, all playing for the same team, a really boring football game.

H' doesn't sit at a desk all day. He doesn't slouch. H' doesn't have human needs. He doesn't say annoying stuff like Bernie. He doesn't mess up jokes like Max. He doesn't need to shower like Sam who just got here from the gym. Disgusting. In Sam's case, it's 'following in H"s ways to shower.'
Not speech or silence. But we can talk to Him. I pray and I am more confused. And the cabdriver that told me Gd spoke to him was lying to me.
How does Moshe speak to Gd? It's complicated. And it was the bush that spoke. Nowhere do we learn that bushes can't talk.

H' is not found in time. So, H' has no beginning or end. Death and life do not apply to Gd. Nietzsche does not apply to Gd. And don't worry about H'. He finds ways to keep occupied. 
H' doesn't need to keep occupied. Occupation doesn't affect Gd. You see. You and your corporeal being are still stuck on anthropomorphisms, whatever they are.

This is what the rabbi's said, 'Above, there is no sitting, and no standing, and no separation, and no connection.' How do people Daven in Shamaim? I can't tell you. I do know that they do get mad at the Gabai (the sexton). It's a very hard community to be part of. If you can't sit or stand, what are you doing in shul?! 

​H' doesn't get mad or angry. Otherwise, He would always be happy, until He had to deal with congregants.
He doesn't change. Only those bound by physical change. Which is why working out is something you should think about doing.

Lesson: Never trust anybody who says, 'Gd spoke to me.' They're lying or they're a false prophet. If they tell you Gd 'talked' to them, you can listen. They might be telling the truth. 

This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start.
 
Mah Nishtana
The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars.
They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again.
I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!'
 
Questions That May Come Up During the Seder
Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.'
One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?'
It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah.
 
Slavery
Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket.
Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs.
My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement.
Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew.
 
The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night
A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours.
'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?'
 
Four Sons
The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner.   
Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes.
'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?'
 
Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech
Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica.
Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later.
I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker.
 
Deep Talk of Redemption
Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again.

The Ten plagues
What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?!
To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?'
Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim.
Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth.
Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this.
 
Now We Praise Gd
Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage.
And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off.

Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them.
 
We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching.
 
We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz.
We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt.
 
We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure...
The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara...

What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei?
(Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.'
If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section...
That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup.

(Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure.
White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei.

How do we separate. Separation done properly...
Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis...
You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night.
I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation.

If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise...
Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling.
A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids.

It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder...
Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation.
The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach...
There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool...

We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be.
The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win...
You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about.

And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice...
Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham.
Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.'

The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading.
I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant.
Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint.

The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey.
Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety.

The kids are loud at shul.  I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi.
They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy.

Max does page ruffle too. He's loud.

Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz.

The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried.

In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning.

Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach
Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it.
A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible.
 
Do Not Eat the Sprays
Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine.
Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry.
Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah.
 
Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz
You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles.
You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it.
Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue.
‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches.
 
Strong Sprays for Grease
Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it.
 
Other Uses for Shpritz
If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.

Announcements
​Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul.

Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. 
They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you.

We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach.

We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat.

Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook.
I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon.

(Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs.
There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!!
When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless...

(Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration...

You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away...
You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them...

Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'.
What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended...
Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding...

Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray.
And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody.

And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt...
I try to find some goodness.
(Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’.

Rivka's Rundown
Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way.
He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell.
I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. 

Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens.
I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach.
Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are.

I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes.

I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir.
I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder.

I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi.

Laws 10: Even Moshe Doesn't Get to See Everything
And you ask H' to let you know what you're supposed to do in this world. You ask H' to tell you the meaning of life. You ask H' to help you make sense of it. Chutzpah.

Law 10: Moshe wants to see H'. Yet, Moshe only gets to see H's back (Shemot 33:23). H' tells him that 'there isn't within the knowledge of man that lives that is connected to a body and Nefesh to achieve the truth of this matter about his Creator.' And Moshe was finally put in his place. It's important to know that you will never truly know. Which is why we study. This is why we learn Torah.

As a physical being, we are bound. We are limited to sports, an Amazon Prime series and having to hear Bernie cough up a phlegm wad in the middle of Davening.

Nobody can fully understand H'.  So, Moshe only sees H's body. But Moshe doesn't really see H's body, because Gd doesn't have a body. Chacha'ah!!!
You can tell a lot from a body. I go to shul and I see many out of shape people. I know the membership is not hitting the gym. And those that go to the gym are having conversations about why one should not work so hard. Based on the bodies I see at shul, I can see the membership takes Shabbis very seriously. Not one of them skips Shalishudis.
I am sure H' would be in better shape than the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. It might be the portly suits. Portly suits make you look portly.

'Show me your Kavod' (Shemot 33:18). He wanted to know the foundations of Gd, until he knew it in his heart, like somebody knows something that he sees in his heart, such as knowing a person 'separate in his knowledge from all other people.'
H' is not separate. So, how can Moshe know Gd as separate? Again, I will never truly know. But he wanted to know. I remember wanting to know about astronomy and physics. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to understand the foundations of the makeup of our universe. Then my professor said, 'You have to study.' It was at that moment, I realized I would never know.

Moshe was asking for a lot. I remember once asking my dad for the car.

Moshe gets to see Gd's back. That's a big thing right there. Give him that.
Moshe, a physical human being, wanted a physical relationship with Gd. Gd can only be related to in a non-physical, possibly spiritual way. Which is what I tell the shul when they ask me to pay dues. Our relationship is one of the Neshama, the soul, and money is physical.

Or, is the Torah teaching us that through our physical connection in this world, we can at least see a part of Gd. We can maybe see Gd's image, or some out of shape guy in shul in a portly suit coughing over the Babka. A little Chidish for you.
Chidish means that somebody had a thought and was too lazy to find a source to back it up.

Lesson:
You can ask, but you may not get. You can ask for a car, but you may just get a unicycle for your sixteenth birthday. I don't know if I was being told to join the circus, which is kind of like telling somebody to run away.
You don't get everything you ask for. If somebody can please tell that to my nephew. Maybe just tell him his uncle gives bad gifts and get it over with. Next time I'm giving the kid a dollar.
I am still trying to figure out what Nefesh means.

After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser.

The Half Person Speech
'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not.
Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse.

You Need Man and Woman
'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes.
'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis.

The You Weren't Happy Speech
Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.'
They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling.
Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.'

You Were A Bachur
'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl.

Bayit Ne'eman
That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith.

There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew
This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.'
Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.'
Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married.
Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire.
And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight.

Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house.
I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help.

Announcements
Matzah orders must be in this week. It is only ninety dollars a pound. To note, we have checked and the government said that Matzah cannot be used as a tax write-off.
 
Please be careful when backing up from your Amidah. We understand you are taking three steps back, but please look out for other members of the congregation. Cheryl got injured last week due to Samantha’s Kavanah and spiritual connection to Gd.
 
The shul is planting trees in Israel, if you trust the Jewish National Fund to not steal your money.
 
We ask our congregants to keep down the Bsamim cloves shaking when we’re not doing a musical Havdalah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Get Annoyed by Bernie. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara About Bernie Though He’s Annoying.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 6:21) ‘And an earthenware vessel that it was cooked in shall be broken. And if it was cooked in a copper vessel, that should be purged (in fire) and rinsed in water’... You should clean your plates anyways. They’re disgusting...
It’s not Biblical to call it pottery. Earthenware is more Biblical. Gd commands Earthenware... It's stuff from earth. That's why it's called earthenware... It's not clothes. Mark said it's pottery...

If it absorbs Holy blood from an offering, it is also not Kosher for you to eat from it. It must be Kashered, just as if it touched non-Kosher food. Like anything in your kitchen. Your kitchen is so Treif... If you touch it, it’s Treif. Michel. Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it...

You can’t Kasher pottery... Earthenware is pottery. I don’t know why. But you have to break it... I have seen what you made in pottery class. It's horrible. That should be broken. You should’ve broke it before pig touched it...

Pesach is coming. Break everything... We have to make stuff is Kosher. We’re going to have to have a class on Kashering. I hope you have enough time to purchase new utensils... A bunch of Apikorsim here. I just suggest you buy new kitchens. Then it might be Kosher for Pesach for a day...
Then you buy new vessels. That’s what it takes to be Kosher. Money and eight sets of dishes. Three sinks, plus two for Passover. Extra meat funds. If you want to be Kosher...

You can’t be cheap when it comes to your religion. Matzah is ninety dollars a pound. If it’s between day school and Matzah, you go with Matzah...
Yes. The orders have to be in this week. You can't order the Matzah on Pesach... Because we are ordering it this week. The order has to be in when the order is done... If this congregation was a vessel, it broke...

You break people. You injure them with your Davening. Your backing up from your prayer is dangerous. Did you pray for a Refuah? Did you pray for health?... Well you injured Cheryl. And thanks to Mark’s involvement in his prayer, Menachem was sent to the hospital... Your a dangerous Davener. And your Tallis is dangerous. You nailed Menachem in the eye before tackling him with your Amidah step-back...

Let's try to build things as a congregation. To make this holy.
We’re planting trees to celebrate life in Israel... It’s life. And I also don’t trust the JNF. They took fifteen dollars from my kid. Who takes money from a first grader?!

You just bring me down...
And Bernie, there is no need to shake the Bsamim that much... You don’t need to shake it for three minutes to get the smell out. You’re playing it like it’s a maraca... Why were you hitting your hand with it and tapping your feet???!!!

I hope I can find a way to make this a Kosher Pesach Holiday. With none of my kids bringing him their pottery from school... It's bad....
It costs money to be Kosher. Dues cost money and you don't pay those... Yes. Bernie is annoying.

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the rabbi uses his classes to get out his anger about Bernie.

'Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it.' Ouch!!!
The sermon was about keeping Kosher and having Kosher dishes. I don't think it spoke to most of our congregants who went out to Wendy's later.
I am just happy I have an excuse to not eat at their houses. I've been looking for excuses for years.

I am buying machine Matzah. I can’t pay ninety dollars for somebody to rub their hands in my food.
Many members got mad at the rabbi for telling them that orders have to be in before the shul order to Flat Rubbed Matzah has been made. They argued that as members they have a right to order Matzah anytime, and they should get it.

They are dangerous Daveners. They pray and they attack you with their connection to H’. Tallis whipping must date back to Egypt. It hurts.
It was a full tackle. I don't know how his step-back turned into a tackle. He actually stepped back, turned his body, lifted the guy and threw him. He said it was Kavanah. I think it was an excuse to hurt Michel.

There is no way the JNF is planting trees with that money. I have seen what they do to the kids at Anshe Elementary. They take that money from the children and run with it.
I have never met the JNF guy that plants trees. I have met the guy who takes money for trees. And who needs trees planted? Don't farmers do that?

We’re at Havdalah and he’s playing La Cucaracha. Three minutes of Bernie playing the Bsamim. He thinks it’s an instrument.

That class on Kashering vessels was the worst class ever. I have never seen so many people destroy their kitchens. The rabbi handed out sledge hammers at the end of class. With all the renovations that have to be done now, the shul will not see those dues paid.
I don’t think purging should be taught to congregants who are bad with their hands. Most of the men in our congregation should not be touching anything called a tool, especially when there's fire attached.
At least some of the homes are Kosher now. Kosher and without kitchens. The rabbi even said he'll eat at those homes without kitchens, as he trusts the Hashgacha at those places.