Announcements
NitelNacht programs were a huge success. I think we had more people at shul on Xmas than they got at the churches.
 
For New Year’s we will be hosting Selichot. We understand that many of you didn’t show up for Selichot to repent during Rosh Hashana Yom Kippur period. We figure most of you will at least celebrate this New Year’s correctly.
 
We are allowing single people to not show to shul events anymore. It is awkward for everybody when Chaim shows to an event. Parents have to guard their children, and husbands have to cling onto their wives.
We will try to find a place for single people in a community somewhere. It will happen. We think. We are just not sure Gd cares about them.
 
If anybody wants to give Daniella a Bat Mitzvah gift, even though she doesn't deserve it because here parents didn't host anything decent, it is still a nice thing. We’re starting a charity fund for her parents. Parents Who Don’t Give a Kiddish.
 
The Bris. That was a sight. We want to make it clear that Chaim was only there for the Mitzvah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...

Yaakov didn’t steal Yosef’s sons. He just said, ‘They will be to me’ (Bereishit 48:5)... Some grandparents are like that. They like the grandchildren and want them instead of the kids they birthed. I can understand. I know the congregants in this shul.

In a moment of thought Yaakov says, (Bereishit 48:11) ‘I never expected to see your face, and behold Gd has shown me your children too.’ What a beautiful moment. It's like a prayer. Yaakov wants to see his family. When I’ve seen Bubbies and Zaydies in the shul, I’ve heard them say, ‘I hoped to never see your face again. But then Pesach came and we had to come in for the Seder...’
In life, we look back and we see these beautiful gifts Gd gave us. I see you here today and I am not thanking Gd for having to see your children running around the halls. Nobody is happy to see Chaim. Yes. We are amazed he is still single. Amazed and scared we have to see him in shul.

You look back on family and the times you shared. Not Chaim. He wouldn't know... Not Chinese food on Xmas. Xmas is not a holiday. Chinese food isn't Jewish... Jews eat it. But it's not Jewish. No Jew living in Asia put together a Chinese cookbook. I know, because they would be selling it at the Jewish Book Festival.
You guys come out for Chinese on Xmas, but you won’t come out for the second day of Pesach... Do you know what they used to do to our people on NitelNacht?... Not as bad as the board...

New Year’s is not a Jewish holiday... I know more Jews celebrate it than Rosh Hashana. That’s why we are repenting this year.
What you guys look back on. Yaakov would be blessing Yosef's kids over the Wag Festival... No. They weren't idol worshipers...

Nothing makes Jewish sense. You’re like the single guy at Shabbat lunch. It was pathetic. You've got a married twenty year old, and then this thirty-five year old single guy... Can't talk to the guy about anything... Anything is school for the kids. The twenty year old you can talk to...

(Bereishit 48:15-16) 'And he blessed Yosef.' Then it goes onto the Bracha of Hamalach Hagoel Oti. That’s about the kids. Efraim and Menashe. ‘...bless the lads.'
We’re blessed through our children. If your children didn't run the halls all the time... Chaim . No real blessing.

More awkward than singles is having to wish a Mazel Tov to the Bergsteins when they didn’t even sponsor a Kiddish for their daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Then what are we wishing a Mazel Tov for... You should give Daniella a gift. She should not be punished for her parents' cheapness. We should bless Daniella to not have to deal with her parents...
Yaakov wasn't blessing Yosef's kids because he was a cheap parent. Yaakov wanted to give them a Brachas of redemption from bad stuff, and fertility... I don't know how Chaim would be blessed...

The Bris was a Bracha. A Bracha and an uncomfortable situation for us all. Why Chaim was there...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi spoke about the gift of family. How beautiful?! Family that is not related to anybody in our congregation. If you are not related to members of our shul, that's a blessing.

The way these guys love NitelNacht in our shul, you would think they wanted to burn the shul down.
There are no Jewish Chinese cookbooks. That was the most profound point of this week's Drasha.

Our congregation now messes up every Jewish holiday with what Americans do. They thought Halloween was Purim. One of them even dunked a candy chocolate egg in the salt water on Pesach.

Chaim would have no idea what love meant. He's just happy to see Rugulach at Kiddish.
That was the saddest experience. Being the single guy at Shabbat lunch. Seeing him around married 20 year olds who got to sit at the adult table. Everybody looking at him like he’s a loser. Why is he even Jewish? The board is meeting to see if he should just give up.

Daniella Bergstein's Bat Mitzvah was amazing. No Kiddish. Nobody gave gifts. The parents were mad nobody gave gifts. They were also mad to see the small turnout. What do you expect? Nobody is coming to wish you a Mazel Tov, unless if they're mourning. If they're mourning, they might pop in to wish you a Mazel Tov. They can't stick around for the food anyway.
They started a Daniella's Gifts charity. It raised a lot of money, and they gave the gift to somebody other kid whose parents aren't cheap and sponsored a Kiddish for their tenth birthday. The people who gave to the charity insisted they get something out of it.

We have to have more private Brises. Brises that single people are banned from. Brises where you can give a real Bracha. Like a Bracha of not having to see any of the congregants of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. A bunch of heretics.

I appreciate our rabbi’s message so much. I felt like I was at a comedy show where the comedian just mocks the way the people look.

Laws 4-5 Gd is the Only Truth - He Keeps The World Going

Law 4: H' is Truth. That means that He alone is truth. And there is no truth like Him. You might have a moment where you thought, 'It all makes sense. Harry likes Cho Chang.' You might have a moment where you didn't lie about taking out the trash. That may be true, but that is not Truth like Gd. That is you owning up to the fact that you were asked to help a good twelve times and you did not. Feel good about that. Maybe now you can help and say you helped. That would also be truth. Where is Gd in your non-helpfulness? That is where it gets complicated.
(Devarim 4:35) 'There is none asides from Him.' There is no true existence but Him. And that means pickleball. It does not exist outside of Gd. H' is the True Existence that lasts forever. And as much as it pains us, pickleball may end one day. It might happen when people learn about tennis.

Law 5: Who is this? Surprise. It's H'. If I have to spell this out for you... The Primary Being who is all Truth is not the guy who told you about his first date at the birthday party in fourth grade. It is not Paul Pierce. It is H'.
He does not stop. With His power that is endless and without a hand or body, He keeps the world going. And this is why we support prosthetics.
Why does He keep it going? I am still trying to figure that out. There are more mistakes we can make. We can also do Mitzvahs. I am guessing H' keeps it going for the mistakes. Those happen more often.

And why are you learning this and still not taking out the trash. Help out around the house every once in a while. I don't know if that’s a Halacha in the Rambam. I just know that it will get mom mad. That is the truth.

In 2022 antisemitism rose and 2023 was even better.

In preparation of October 7th January sported terror attacks, and protests for Intifada are heard on college campuses. Intifada means kill people or we love peace, depending on who your news sources are.

In February, Israeli rescue workers are the first to volunteer to go to Turkey to aid with the devastation caused by the earthquake that took thousands of lives. News sources call the earthquake an Israeli Intifada.

Something about Bibi and the Israeli Supreme Court. Protests start. To quote one Israeli, 'Why should we have to miss out on hating Jews. We're people too.'

Leopoldstadt and Parade, two plays about antisemitism, win six Tonys. People love antisemitism. If it wasn't for people killing Jews, there would be no decent entertainment. Many communities who have lost their Jewish population in Europe and the Middle East have been trying to figure out what to do for entertainment. It has been hard to find something since there are no local Jews to beat on. Now, they finally have a musical to see.
Parade in its portrayal of the 1915 lynching of Leo Frank receives protests from Neo Nazis. To quote, 'It wasn't anti-Semitic enough. The music could've been more upbeat.'

Fake bomb threats reign down on Jewish organizations. The Iron Dome does not work against these.

Christie's auction house auctions off Nazi's jewelry collection. Surprised this bothers Jews. Another Nazi quote from this year: 'How are we supposed to make money?!'

Israel kicks off seventy-fifth year celebrations with cheers of, 'We hate Bibi.'

Jewish summer camps are even more expensive.

Israel and Saudi Arabia move ahead on Abraham Accord Peace Treaty. The world worries peace is a bad thing.

Lithuania restores Jewish synagogues. To quote: 'The new tinge of pastel colors on the facade will bring Jews back.'

Israelis are now allowed to visit America without a visa. Now Israelis are the only ones who can't get through the southern US boarder without an ID.

The movie Golda is released. Complaints of not enough Jewish devastation are heard around the world.

Still fights over the Israeli Supreme Court. Jews hate Jews even more. Everybody blames Charedim.

October 7th massacre, and cheers are heard throughout the Arab towns of Judea and Samaria and England.

We are all in a state of living through mourning. And now Jews like Jews again.

Turkey thanks the Jewish United Hatzalah workers who came to help them in their times of crisis, so that they can express their hatred of Israel and Jews in health.

College students around the globe can finally voice their hatred of Jews in a safe space.

Rally of Israel support in Washington DC brings 300,000 or 5,000 people, depending on who your news sources are. Jews pray for peace and mourn the death of innocent lives, or they pray for death to everybody, depending on who your news sources are. American politicians proclaim their support for Israel and vote later that day to not send Israel anything. 

'Humanitarian' is a new English word, meaning 'we hate Jews.'

Ivy Leagues are now focusing on courses that teach English as a first language, so that students and faculty can learn words like 'context.'
They have also created a new course on Middle Eastern Relationships. Classes will focus on correct phraseology, such as 'humanitarian,' 'disproportionate' and other words that mean 'we hate Jews.'

IDF takes out eight and half million Gazan residents, as reported by Hamas and the UN. Twelve million of them are babies.

Dave Chappelle still hates Jews. Tucker Carlson asks, 'Why not?'

Elon Musk visits Israel to try to figure out how a Ford Fiesta can cost more than a Tesla.

It turns out people still hate Jews. Jews are shocked by this.

Sports
At least in sports, when people attack Jews, it's not because they hate us. At least most of the time.

Jacob Steinmetz is orthodox and he plays baseball. That's exciting. An orthodox Jew doing anything other than learning, it excites us. Finally, people are starting to believe that Torah doesn't kill athletic abilities or personality. To quote one Rosh Yeshiva: 'There is something to shuckling.'
Israel even had a team that competed in the World Baseball Classic. And they won a game. Champions. To us Jews, winning a game is the definition of a champion. Our mothers told us so.
A Jew even makes the NHL. He is a champion. Hasn't played yet, but he's a champion. His mother is very proud.

The basketball star Domantas Sabonis is converting to Judaism. After he retires, he wants to own a team someday. [Tzachi, who reported this, hopes his report doesn't lead to more antisemitism. Tzachi wants to let everybody know that he loves his Jewish people and their money.]
Domantas even has Shabbat meals and posts them on social media, so that Deni Avdija can see what Shabbat looks like.

Israel takes third place in the FIFA under 20 World Cup. Meaning that little kids in Israel are getting better at soccer. Translation: Israel won the World Cup. We are the greatest in the world.

Israel takes gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. The only kind of gymnastics that doesn't take athleticism
And the seventeen year olds took the European Flag Football Championship. This being after they had to forfeit Shabbat games. Now Jews have mastered flag football and floor hockey. Any sport that involves something that is not natural to the sport, such as a flag you have to pull or now ice skates, we are the best at. Jews are now looking to conquer the world in sports such as sponge bat baseball and crab soccer. We have already mastered paper football.

And Vikings kicker, Greg Joseph, wears cleats with Am Yisrael Chai on them. But not during a game. That was news. Somehow not wearing cleats that support Israel in support of Israel is news.
We’re just exciting the guy is in the NFL and he’s Jewish. That’s news every day. We were even excited when Julian Edelman was kind of Jewish.

And some Jewish guy got benched for being Jewish. We cannot confirm this story, but we're sure some college athlete should've got more playing time. His mother will tell you.
A Jewish mother will let you know, it's because of the antisemitism in sports.

Announcements
We still care about Israel. Thought people should be reminded.
 
The Bergstein Bat Mitzah will have Kichel. That’s it. Even though they are not paying for anybody to enjoy themselves, the Bergsteins said they’re proud of their daughter.
 
The rabbi will be giving a course in Israel Advocacy. He asks that Bernie not come. Anything Bernie represents will not be good. People will hate it. As advocacy is supposed to be positive for Israel, the rabbi is urging only non-members of the congregation to come. To quote: ‘I believe it will be better for Israel if people advocating are people that are liked. Members of our shul are urged to not speak out on behalf of Israel. We gave seen the hatred you have already caused in our community.’
 
Asarah BTevet is a fast day. You fast on it.
 
The youth leader wants to apologize for the kids coming into shul before Kiddish. They didn’t mean to shock the congregation with youth. She said that she will do her job and keep the children from praying anything more than Adon Olam and Yigdal out of a book with pictures.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
Yehuda came to Yosef... If you came to me with a normal question, I wouldn’t be mad... Yehuda's question is legitimate. Please don't bring up the Bar Mitzvah boy who's still leading in Anim Zemirot. Will we ever get another child to learn the prayer?...

(Bereishit 45:1) ‘Yosef couldn’t hold himself back.’ And so he asked everybody to leave and he revealed himself to his brothers....
No. He didn’t ask them to leave because he wanted to beat up on Dan with nobody watching. He didn’t want a fight. This isn’t a board meeting. He wanted to let his brothers know it was him... When Michael Menachem says, ‘Hold me back,’ it’s pathetic. Who are you going to hurt with your two column Hagba?!...
Yosef couldn’t hold himself back from crying. He had a heart. He wasn't on the shul board.

It was because Yehuda showed he cared. (Bereishit 44:34) ‘For how can I go up to my father and the youth is not with me, lest I see the evil that I have brought upon my father.’ Do any of you care? The evil that you have brought upon me...

And he cried. (Bereishit 45:2) Everybody heard his cry.
It was loud. You can’t hide real emotion. I know Sarah Rachel hasn't emoted since she married Baruch Moshe... It was more like a Faiga Bayla cry. When she's trying to get her parent's attention, everybody hears that.

(45:3) They were ‘disconcerted.’ Rashi teaches the brothers were embarrassed. You would be embarrassed... Yes. He told them to not feel bad for selling to slavery to die. And you guys can’t get over a sermon I gave about a cat that needed healing... A sick cat that I cared for. So, my Drasha about the cat wasn't long enough. And you're still disconcerted that I didn't show enough empathy. I sent the cat to the vet... You did nothing. You sat in the shul and said, 'The rabbi should've done more in his sermon.' I took the cat to the vet. Is that not enough? Is a sermon more important than the action...
You haven’t said a thing about Israel since you got your raise. You forgot about our brothers and sisters. I give sermons about Israel and crying for our brothers and sisters. Are you disconcerted for our people?!...

Like Yosef, I cry a loud cry when I have to answer your questions. The secretaries hear it. The pain I suffer...
Another annoying question. You fast on fast days. That’s why they’re called a fast days. You fast on a it.. No. I don’t know what happened on Asarah BTevet. It’s a fast. So you fast...
You remember stuff on fast days. You remember our people. The destruction of the Beit Hamikdash... Do you even remember what happened on Simchat Torah...
If it doesn't have to do with football, you don't remember it. Ever since you got your raise and got season tickets...

Did Yehuda truly care? He didn’t want to see the evil he caused. He cared about himself... Maybe there wouldn’t be an Asarah BTevet if we cared about each other. Maybe advocated every once in a while. If you would care for each other the way I cared about the cat.
Maybe if people paid for Bat Mitzvahs so others could enjoy themselves...

Can we have the Bat Mitzvah up here... Why are the kids in shul again? Do we not pay a youth leader to not have to see them?! Got to keep them out till after Adon Olam... No. They should not be Davening. Kids come to shul so we don’t have to see them.
And now we see Daniella. We are proud of you. Your parents may not be. All they bought for Kiddish is Kichel. Though your parents don’t care about you, I do. Someday, approach your parents and ask them to pay for a Kiddish. It starts now. In the end, they won’t chip in for your wedding... Trust me. They wouldn’t even chip in for a pasta salad last shul picnic...

Rivka's Rundown
The congregation has truly forgot about everything going on Israel. They’re more worried about football. The Monarchs are what they're concerened about. The football match of the Monarchs vs the Rochester Raging Rhinos. Professional non-American football is big in Topeka.
Point: Everybody forgot what happened on Simchat Torah already. They're too involved in the Monarchs.

'Is a sermon more important than the action?' Yes it is, rabbi.

The course on Israeli Advocacy was not attended by any of our congregants. The rabbi said that was better for Israel.

The Bat Mitzvah was enjoyed by the parents. That’s it. It was the worst Bat Mitzvah Kiddish. It was just Kichel. I was sitting there watching a bunch of old Jews teething.
She got no gifts. In retrospect, that made most of the congregation happy. I was happy I didn't have to get her anything. The only one that seemed not happy was Daniella. And she even gave a Bat Mitzvah speech about being the only kid on her block to not have a bike growing up.

The kids in our shul are pathetic. We have Bar Mitzvah boy leading Anim Zemirot. He's fourteen. You don't lead Anim Zemirot when you're over Bar Mitzvah. It's supposed to be a child. It makes the prayer more meaningful when a five year old who doesn't understand it does, than when a fourteen year old who doesn't understand it leads.
Are they legitimate kids? We don’t even know. They're crazy. I can tell you that. Seeing them in shul causes panic. We all know they can’t lead Anim Zemirot. It’s been the same kid for eight years. When the illegitimate Bar Mitzvah is not there, the Chazin leads. That’s an extra twenty minutes.

The kids are crazy. They scare the adults. This is why they don't learn how to lead Anim Zemirot. Their parents are scared of them. They know that if they teach them something, the kids will get child services over to the house.
Kids came in too early. They came in before Anim Zemirot. People were shocked. Panic set in. It was as if they were worried about nursery school hoodlums taking over the shul with their lollypops. Shaking down the rabbi for more Fizzers and sour sticks.

The fact they had to announce you fast on a fast day which took place on Friday. That is messed up.
Mid-Drasha, the rabbi got questions about how not to eat. The rabbi spent twenty minutes during his Drasha explaining what a fast day is. The congregants were shocked. 'How to fast without bagels???!' The rabbi explained how you eat the bagels after the fast.

Laws 1-3: We Need a Primary Nonphysical Being
That's how I sum up the first chapter. If my friend Tom was running the world, we would be in trouble. Now let's learn a bissel Torah.

The foundation of all knowledge is to know that there is a Primary Being that exists. This is not the old guy in shul who spits on his fingers to turn pages. That is disgusting. That's primeval. Not primary. And that guy should be introduced to tissues. Handkerchiefs just add the disgustingness.
The Primary Being is Gd. Gd doesn't spit on fingers. If you think He has fingers, you're a heretic. If you don’t have this knowledge, you will come to conclusions that Dr. Fauci is correct. That is not good.
Everything else only exists because of this Being. This Primary Being. That includes badminton and pickleball.
Everything else is bound by the physical world, and thus needs this Being. You are physically bound, which means you have limitations. I will be the first inspirational speaker to tell you that you can't accomplish anything you set your mind to. The only thing you have control over is where you sit in shul. And even then, you might end up sitting next to a guy who Chuchs and hocks loogies on his Siddur to turn the pages.
The Primary Being does not need anything else to exist. However, nothing else could exist without Him. The world goes around because he causes it to. Gd does not need you.
Gd does not need you. And you cannot accomplish anything you set your mind to. I hope that is inspirational. It inspires me. If it helps.
If you follow His commandments, H' may want you.

The rally in Washington last month was an amazing experience and show of unity. Looking back at some of the pictures from the rally, I was reminded of the signs of support.
It’s rare that we get a chance to unify as Jewish people in support of our nation. This was the time. Those who didn't show up should feel bad. Especially those people from Detroit who got stuck in the airport, due to bus drivers refusing to take them to the pro-Israel rally.
When you go to a rally, you bring signs. And when there is unity, you make signs. Hopefully with glitter. Glitter makes signs more exciting, and it brings bedazzled people together.
Here are some of the sings I saw:

Defeat Terror
It's good to know these people were not pro-terror. I didn't see a sign saying 'Terror. We Support You.' I don't believe anybody was holding up a 'Terror. We miss you.' This wasn't a pro-Palestinian rally in England or Australia. No Ivy League was willing to host the event.

Pro Peace. Anti Hamas. Pro Israel. Anti Bibi!
If I was them, I would've just had a sign, 'I hate Bibi.' That would've made the point stronger. Truth is, I think they were yelling, 'I hate Bibi.' That should've probably been the sign. Not everybody has time to make signs for everything they want to say.
Is Bibi part of Hamas? I am trying to figure out what the sign is truly trying to convey.

America Stands with Israel
That's good to know. That made me happy to see. At least one Jewish American stands with our people in Israel.
Come to think of it. I think it was an Israeli holding that sign. Wishful thinking.

Cleveland Stands with Israel
There was a lot of standing. At a rally, you want to stand. All the people with signs were standing with something.
I saw one or two people sitting. They weren't holding signs.

I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a clean toilet anywhere in Washington DC?!
That wasn't a sign. That was me yelling. I needed anything other than a porta-potty. They're disgusting.
I should be complaining to the organizers. If you're going to run a rally properly, you should have built in bathrooms. You budget.

Thank You Israel for Fighting Terror
That was held up by a group of people that insisted they were not willing to help.
Somebody held up that sign on a college campus and was attacked. No Israelis were around.

Free Hostages. Support Israel. Combat Terror!
I think he got in the important points, while repurposing the word 'free.' I hope they don't get sued by the Palestinians. I had to stop a guy who got angry when he saw the word 'free.' He came at them yelling, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' I pulled that guy aside and told him he was too loud, and he should've made a sign saying, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.'
The only thing they left out of that sign is how much they hate Bibi.

Let Israel Finish the Job
Some people get in the way of hard-working people. That is just plain rude.

From the River to the Sea, Israel Will always Be Free.
Many Americans claimed this was a ploy to try to get better bargains in Israel.
Very confusing. I think this one was pro-Israel as well.

Cleveland. Stronger Than Hate .
I couldn't tell you. I don't live there. I don't know how much people in Cleveland hate each other. America makes fun of Cleveland. We don't hate it. I can understand the insecurity.
I am still worried it won't bring tourists to Ohio. There must've been a heart on that sign. I just wish it was bigger.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit. I think Detroit is stronger than hate. Detroit is a very strong word. It sounds stronger than Cleveland.

Signs I Would Have Liked to Have Seen
Israel. What a Country.
We love people. We even love Jews. I think this one would've caused a lot of controversy on college campuses.
New York Loves Israel. I know people from New York were there. They just didn't let people know they love Israel. I'm worried people thought that all the New Yorkers at the pro-Israel rally were there to protest Israel. Maybe they assumed that the Yarmulke is like a pro-Israel sign. To me, if you're not holding it up, it's not a sign. One guy was wearing it. That wasn't a sign. That was an A-frame.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Everybody loves Cyndi Lauper. I figure. If they love Cyndi, they'll love Israel. Associative rallying. We could've also had sings up saying 'Ice cream is great. And So is Israel.' That would've drawn support for the homeland.
Rochester New York Showed Up. Sometimes you just want to be noticed.
Jews Make Better Hummus. Sometimes you have to hit back hard.

And then there were signs for the hostages who were kidnapped, who we are still fighting to bring home. There were signs saying 'Bring Them Home,' as we chanted it together. One or two people had signs saying, 'Let My People Go.' Even though they got the rally confused with Pesach, as they saw a lot of Jews, they meant well.
There's no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. It was heartwarming to see so many amazing signs of support at the rally. I personally didn't bring one. My arms get too tired to support Israel.

Announcements
Next year, the board will not host the shul Chanukah party. As we have seen, they truly ruin a good time.
We will be sure the president doesn’t show up, so everybody can enjoy themselves. We are sorry that the president thought that congregants should pay dues. And it was a Chutzpah to ask people to pay the suggested donation.  The president does not understand community. He does not understand the importance of people not having to pay. He doesn't understand what enjoyment of membership truly is. His understanding of ‘membership’ is off. Our members should not have to feel like they should pay membership dues.
 
The Bergstein Bat Mitzvah is next week. Daniella Bergstein’s parents have stated that they won’t host a Kiddish, as they want to enjoy their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. And they will not enjoy if they have to pay for anything.
 
The rabbi will be giving a class on when to give money to Shnurers. Topics addressed include: If the Shnurer has a credit card machine. If a Shnurer tells you they have three kids and five of them are getting married. If the Shnurer has more money than you, can you charge the Shnurer and consider that your Tzedakah.
 
The shul does not need your shrubs that you don’t want. Your trash cannot be brought to the shul... We beg.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...

(Bereishit 41:15-16) Paroh asks Yosef to interpret his dreams and Yosef responds, ‘This is beyond me. H’ will answer the welfare of Paroh.’ And our Gabai thinks he knows the correct traditions for the shul... It's beyond you. Accept it. That's why you got gifts the kids didn't want. You took it into your own hands.
He thinks that kids want Silly Putty for Chanukah... It’s not a gift Yankel. One of the kids had a dream he would get a really bad gift for Chanukah and it came true... Silly Putty?! You literally interpreted his dream... They wanted a drone. Instead. They got seven plastic eggs with goo. You are Paroh. And it’s beyond you... Well. To them, you're Paroh. You give Paroh gifts.

The problem is the ego on our shul’s board. Yosef says the interpretation is up to H’. And our board make decisions as to how to decorate the sanctuary... Will we ever get rid of the community quilt... You put a blanket over the ark... It’s a quilt. A quilt is a blanket. I had a dream that the Aron, the ark, would be covered in something totally wrong...
I had a dream people wouldn’t pay dues. And it happened. I also had a dream that seven little bushes would be dropped off at the shul, so that people wouldn’t have to call sanitation to dispose of their trees... Yes. It came true. The trees by the back door, are not planted into the blacktop. They're trash that...

The word for 'welfare' used is 'Shalom'... Paroh's welfare is seen to once his dreams are interpreted. When you know something bad is going to happen, it brings peace to you. If I would’ve known I would have the curse of dealing with a board, I would be at peace...

‘This is beyond me...’ I have heard this from every member of the congregation. Every time you don't want to help. How many people said this when they didn't want to help fry the latkes for the Chanukah party... But Yosef still helped. Stop with excuses... When I say 'this is beyond me,' I am saying that I don't understand a thing that is happening in this congregation. Because the people here are messed up...
It's not beyond you to help... H' can make latkes. But you can help. You can be a catalyst.

You’re literally a party pooper. Our president is a pooper... You were asking people to pay their dues at the party...
Of course they won’t pay for the Chanukah party. That’s why they come to shul. To not have to pay for anything and for their kids to enjoy a bouncy house...

If you gave them decent gifts on Chanukah, they wouldn't be Shnuring... Yes. Shnurers have credit cards nowadays. Ever done business. You need a credit car machine.

We don't need a nursery. We're not birthing kids here... A nursery school, we need... Little shrubbery doesn't need a school at our shul...

(41:25) As Yosef tells Paroh, ‘The dream of Paroh is one dream...’ Everything in this shul is one bad incident. One messed up situation... One bad dream.

If you would just see my wisdom, you would let me get rid of the Gabai and the president.

Rivka's Rundown
The community quilt is still there. The Schwartzs asked for the quilt, so their kid could get good sleep. They like the size of the Aron cover for the king size bed they got their kid.

The rabbi just wanted to go off on the Gabai for messing up the Mishebeyrach. Somebody said ‘for the rabbi too,’ and the Gabai just said 'HaRav' without his name. You bless the rabbi correctly or he will sermonize about you.
The Gabai does make too many decisions. If he just let H' call people up to the Torah, nobody would be mad at him..

The rabbi is giving a required class on gift giving this coming Kislev. He is also going to teach gift giving as part of the required education in the conversion course. He said that decent gifts is a prerequisite for Shalom. Gift giving and getting rid of the shul president.

I don't believe we've had a shul program without a bouncy house in twelve years. People come to shul for the bouncy house. If they had got the bouncy Bima, you would have more people in shul on Shabbat. A bouncy Bima and Kiddish. That would draw people.

The rabbi wrote the announcement about the shul board ruining a good time.
The president asking people to pay is a real downer. Nobody in our shul enjoys anything if it’s not for free. It doesn't take much to figure that out. Chabad figured that out.
Any congregant that pays for anything does not smile. When they pay for anything, they're mad. I have never seen a happy face at a family party. If you’ve ever seen our congregants hosting their family for a Bar Mitzvah, you would see a bunch of smug angry faces on the Baalei Simcha. The only time they smile is when they get a check. If they give a gift that is not cash to their child, depression sets in.
All the members who didn't pay dues voted to get rid of the president.

And the Bergsteins won't pay for a Kiddish. We have the cheapest membership.

The Shnurers are coming around with credit card machines now. Like they’re selling me something. These Shnurers should be paying dues. They are pulling in so much.
They should Shnur from our members and pay dues for them. That would be a way to finally get membership paid for.
It's a scam. No idea what they're collecting for. They have a picture of a cousin in Israel and a credit card machine on their wrist. If they have that, the rabbi said it's legitimate. They're Frum Shnurers.

The guy dropped off a whole nursery at the shul. Not kids. It was an orchard. They cut it and brought it to the shul and dropped it off. They couldn’t leave it on their front lawn for the town to take it. They just left it in back of shul.
They had to 'beg' in the announcements. They've told people the shul is not the place for their garbage, countless times. They understand people will do it anyways. The rabbi had to host a prayer service to beseech Gd for people to stop dropping off their trash at shul. I believe it was a donation of Chanukah bushes from one of the heretics in the shul.

Noah didn't think it was a bad thing when H‘ said the world is full of Hamas. That can be tasty. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was full of Hamas. Evil, thievery... Noah thought H‘ was talking about Chumus. Had to do the Humus Hamas joke this year. It's in the Parsha. For all our kids out there, please know: Humus isn't evil.

Avraham built a Mizbe‘ach to H‘ once he got to Canaan, as he had altar motives. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Ulterior motives. A Mizbe‘ach is an altar. Avraham was promised the land will be for his progeny. Then, he built an altar. Altar motives. Not ulterior motives. They sound the same. Just with less syllables.
 
I got a letter from my Palestinian friend that said he misses me. I wrote back, ‘Cause you have terrible aim.’ (Mordechai)
You get it? Misses. He’s shooting rockets at me.
 
Yaakov’s brother was always deceptive when playing cards. He’d just say, ‘Esav.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? That‘s his name. When you‘re playing cards and that‘s all they say, you don‘t know if it‘s an ace of diamonds, an ace of hearts, spades... You don't know. He's only saying 'Esav.' Not very helpful.

I didn’t buy my kids any gifts this past Chanukah. I felt so much gelt. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Gelt is money. Chanukah gelt is a tradition. It sounds like guilt. I felt bad that my kids got no Chanukah gifts, but I had a lot of money. I had gelt because I didn‘t spend it on gifts.

Gifts from the heart cost a lot in the month of Kislev. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chanukah is in Kislev. Kis means pocket and Lev, heart. This is about understanding money comes from the heart, and Chanukah gifts are from the heart and expensive. The month is why we buy gifts. Puns are better bilingual and when not a joke.

My friend told me he needed Sufganiot. I said, 'That's how you make the doughnuts.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It works in audible form. To work, you must say ‘needed,‘ not ‘kneaded.‘ Sufganiot need dough, which you knead. Again. Another pun.

Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.

Call it a Gala
What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware.
Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. 
How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish.

Festivate Your Table
All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time.
Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala.
To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins.
Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening.

Menorah Lighting
You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish.
At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already.
Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse.

Gifts for Kids
All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes.
If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas.
If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts.

Bouncy House
That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition.

Chinese Auction
Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians.
What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China.

A Dreidel Spinoff
If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving.
At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education.

Latkes
If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala.

Announcements
The Chanukah Gala program will include a Chinese Auction. It will also include latkes and a Dreidel gambling circle. All children are expected to attend. They should all have a Dreidel experience.

Parent Child Learning this week will include a psychologist, a social worker and a representative from child services.
We have noticed a lot of parents who are not impressed with their children’s Gemara skills. We remind you that the children are only in elementary school. They still have not learned Rashi script.

Please don’t make Shlomo look bad again. Our children are dependent on a decent Secret Shlomo this year. To quote the kids at youth group last Shabbat: ‘We are not expecting anything decent from our parents. Their gifts are pathetic. We are praying that Secret Shlomo loves us more than our parents and buys us decent gifts.'

Rosh Chodesh is Wednesday. Please show up to shul. We understand it’s a long Davening. Please don’t pretend like you’re sick again.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
VaYeshev... He wasn’t just sitting. Yaakov wasn’t lazy like the president of our board... Did you settle Israel? No. Exactly. Yaakov settled in the land of his fathers... Far Rockaway is a good area too.

(Bereishit 37:14) Yosef is told by his father to check on his brother’s 'Shalom.' He went for peace. Kind of like the way I came to the shul. The way I was hired as rabbi. At the time, I didn’t know there would be a Gabai and a president...

(37:17) The man Yosef sees in Shechem tells him his brothers went to Dotan. The Midrash teachs that Dotan comes from the word ‘Dat’ which means law... I know it means religion in modern Hebrew... Because there are laws, Bernie. If you kept the Mitzvot, you would understand our religion is about keeping laws. Not driving to shul on Shabbis... 'Law' meaning ‘they are seeking legal advice to put you to death'... How many religious people have died? A lot, Bernie. Yosef's brothers were looking to find a legal way to kill him... I have nothing to do with the last president that we have not seen in many years...
You can’t have Shalom and judgement together. You can’t have a kind rabbi who loves the people and a shul board...

We need peace. We need honesty. We need a simple shul that does stuff right, unlike our board. We need a reason to not judge each other... You guys mess up so much. You lie. You ruin Chanukah...
You weren’t sick. We saw you shopping at the mall and working out... You just didn’t want to go to Davening. There is no Shalom if there is no Minyin. If we can't pray together... I can't pray with Bernie and Merv because they're chuching the whole time...

You overdo everything. A Gala? What is the gala? Latkes do not make a gala.
And a Chinese auction??? Why not call it a raffle... It’s offensive to Chinese people.
Shalom with the Asian community...

You guys jump the gun with your children. Take it easy... Why don’t you learn how to learn Sam?! Before yelling at your kid for not knowing the Sugiah of Shnaim Ochzin, maybe you should stop fighting over Tallises with people.
If you want Shalom, maybe you'll stop whacking people with the tassels. Learn how to put on the thing...

The brothers see Yosef and say 'let’s kill him, or buy him really bad gifts'... It’s the same thing. Getting a Rubik’s Cube for Chanukah... Who is Rubik?!
How about you buy better gifts for your kids... Nobody knew that Shlomo secretively buys really bad gifts.
If you buy your children decent gifts they’ll love you. They will not want to kill you...
That's why they yell all the time. Bad gifts. I feel abused by you. The gifts you give me are so pathetic. If family services came to this shul, they would take me away to another shul...
And the Dreidel. Now we have eight year olds showing up to gamblers anonymous.

(37:17) The man thus began by teling Yosef, ‘They have journeyed on from here.’ Rashi teaches, ‘They have left themselves from brotherhood.’ There is no peace here. Yosef was looking for peace. He found really bad gifts. He found a congregation who hosts gala events with a Rukik's Cube as a prize...

A gym membership would be a good gift, if our members used it to get in shape and not skip shul...

Rivka's Rundown
It’s pathetic how the members have to pretend that they’re sick to not show up to shul.

The Gala event had a bouncy house. That is what constitutes class in our shul.
I believe churches and synagogues have Chinese auction to keep Asians from converting. We had a Chinese Auction to offend Asians.
The rabbi wants Shalom with the Asian community of Topeka. He told them that Chinese is another word for raffle. Now we have a few new members from Beijing.

We have a lot of gambling addicts in our shul. And they wonder why. I told them to stop with the Dreidel.
Why AA and GA are always in churches is an anomoly. Saint Catheran's has more Jews from our shul going there for gamblers anonymous than we see on Shabbis.
If we had GA in our shul and the Minyin saw them, there is no way anybody would be anonymous. If Shirley saw them, everybody would know.

Nobody showed up to Parent Child Learning. The parents want to help their kids advance too much. They have aspirations for their children, and that means abuse. At least it means a lot of crying. Kids cry when their parents have hope, and they give bad gifts.
Parents were worried they would have to deal with their kids crying about the Chanukah gifts. And child services would break up families due to lack of electronics.
A lot of screaming at shul. Believing your child is smart is abusive. Unless if you give them drones.

Decent gifts do equal love. That was what the rabbi was teaching us. Even if your parents are broke, if they love you, they’ll buy a good gift.

The shul apologized for the Secret Shlomo. From now on, they will not trust the congregants with gift giving.

There is a lot of hatred in our shul. Not much Shalom. I don't even hear 'Shabbat Shalom.' They just say 'Good Shabbis' now.
People judging each other in our shul is well deserved. If we can find a way to ligellay take action against people paying dues, that will be appreciated.

People literaly hit others with their Tallis. There is no legal justification for that.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to support for Israel by wearing Tzizit or a flag, and the joy of lighting Chanukah candles within the reach of babies, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about chocolate covered coins that everybody else likes.

And I got more bad gifts this year.  And people are still telling me it's the thought that counts. If you ever find yourself saying ‘it’s the thought that counts,’ that is a bad gift. That being said, here are some of the gifts I got.
Before we get into the gifts, I want to say, 'Thank you for thinking of me.'

Pasta Pusher
Has anybody ever made pasta that was not from a bag?! Exactly.
If there was a pasta pusher that pushed pasta into something that cooked it for me, with no thought, that would be a worthwhile gift.
I appreciate the appliance. I will forever keep it in my storage.
 
Gift Certificate
I still haven’t used the gift certificates you got me for my Bar Mitzvah. Next time, give me currency with a stamp on it that says ‘Expired.’ That is what is going to happen to the gift card. Either that, or a piece of paper that says, 'You will lose this.'
And how much thought did you put into the gift certificate when you were online to check out at the Christmas Tree Shops.
 
A Fitted Shirt & Tight Pants
Somebody thought this might help me meet a woman. Fitted shirts look good when they fit. That shirt didn’t fit me. Neither did the skinny pants.
The size 38 pants were smaller than size 38 pants. They should’ve marked them 34s, like they were, and sold them to me as four sizes too small. I am hoping they pay for my Weight Watchers membership this year, so I can fit into the pants. That would be a decent gift.
Stuff to not buy teenagers, because it makes them annoying: Skinny Pants, UGGs, anything tiny with a screen on it.
 
A Paisley Shirt
Sorry. The bad gifts reminded me of the paisley.
This was not a gift. This was a hand-me-down. This was something my dad didn’t want. Paisley has been out of style since the 1970s and The Salvation Army didn’t want it either. My parents forgot to pick up a gift for me that year. It was the worst year of my life. I wore it as smock. The whole class thought I splatter painted my shirt.
My parents didn’t even wrap it up. They didn't even say, 'Chanukah Sameach.' It was given to me with a simple command of, ‘Try it on.’
 
Challah Cover
That is usually a wedding gift. I got the point. My family wants me to get married. They could have just said something.
Even people getting married don’t appreciate Challah covers. They don’t need more than four of them. If you are purchasing a wedding gift, check out the registry. I have never seen a registry with Challah covers.
Why Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't sell Challah covers bothers me too.
 
Chanukah Registry
I am starting this to help. My way of giving back to the children of our next generation who did not get a drone this year. You all deserve a camera that flies without concern for privacy.
There is no reason you should be getting clothes for Chanukah. The registry will only consist of stuff that flies, video games and phone accessories.
I feel for our children who want a decent gaming system.
 
The Thought Does Count is the Lesson
When purchasing Chanukah gifts this year, put a little more thought into it. Maybe think a little more. Think to yourself, ‘What would make a gift that somebody would enjoy? Something meaningful?’ I am assuming that if you think a little more, you will come to the conclusion that you should get them money.
I love every one of the gifts I received over the years, because it's from the people I love.
With the gifts I have received, I do question if you truly love me. Maybe it's just mistakes. Many of you think that buying something for the person that they would never think about purchasing themselves is the way to go. There's a reason I don't pick up pasta pushers.
Remember ‘It is the thought that counts.’ So, bring out the holiday spirit in your loved ones and give money. To note: chocolate coins don’t count as legal tender.

Though it may appear that I am not happy with the slap on bracelet that cut into my arm, I appreciate everything you got for me. I also love the pen you bought me. As you know I am at work a lot, I will take that BIC classic medium point wherever I go. Along with the ink stain.

Announcements
You can make reservations for the shul Chanukah party by contacting the office. Do not bother the president. He is an angry person.
The shul Secret Shlomo will have certain gifts that are not allowed.
Due to how bad your gift choices have been the past many years, here is a list of gifts you can’t give that the rabbi will discuss at Temporary Halacha Class: The paddle with a ball attached, socks you stitched, sweaters you knitted, chocolate coins that are dairy...
 
The Mikvah cleaning project will start this Wednesday at 2pm.
We want to thank the sisterhood for organizing the event. It’s promised to be an exciting day of cleaning.
 
No more giving Divrei Torah without consent. Many congregants have been complaining about abuse at Kiddish, having to hear Torah thoughts while eating herring. We hired a rabbi for a reason. Divrei Torah are relegated to sermon.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
Yes. You are my people. You mess up. But you're my people. My flock...
You give gifts. It’s part of making peace. Shalom. That’s what Yaakov gave Esav, to appease him. Something. You give something. You try. You pay your dues every once in a while...

(Bereishit 32:14) ‘And he took from what came to his hand, a tribute to Esav.’
You can give me from your house. A nice vase. A coffee table. A lawnmower.
Nobody gives gifts here. That’s why there are always fights in the shul... I understand you’re the Gabai. If you gave a gift instead of an Aliyah, they would like you. If you gave them a Sudoku puzzle pad...

I don’t even get Chanukah gifts from you. That's why I don't like you. That's why I can't stand the board... Maybe a raise. That’s a gift...
Yaakov seperated the gifts. It’s more exciting. That’s why you give gifts each noight of Chanukah. That’s why your kids don’t like Judaisim. Bad gifts... If Yaakov gave Esav chocolate coins, he’d hate Jews more... Dairy chocolate coins. Not even the dark chocolate ones. This is what you give.
I have never opened a dairy chocolate coin and not had it melted before it was in my mouth... Licking your fingers like Bernie flipping a page in the Siddur is disgusting... Chocolate coins are not a gift. They're not even money. I learned that the hard way. You feel like a fool when you're ten years old, trying to buy a Slurpee with chocolate coins... Slurpees would be a better gift.

I would be happy with oxen. Camels...

Yaakov plans his meeting with Esav.
Yaakov seperates his family. There would be more peace in shul if we seperated the shul... We should split the shul. Unimportant ones first... I am sending you away from me...
I would have sent the president first. A very angry person

You have never made plans before in your life... Every Chanukah program, you show up and you expect a spot. Kids have went without latkes because of you... Because they didn't make the twenty extra latkes you devour Menachem...
Your Chanukah gifts are not a plan. Unless if that plan is to make people unhappy. Socks you stitched are not a gift. They fall every time... because there is no elastic in them. I need a rubber band to keep it up... No. Rubber bands don't look good. And knitting a sweater?! This isn't Christmas...
No. You shouldn’t Shnur. You should pay for the Chanukah event.

The only thing you plan is to not help.
You never help. Will you show up for the Mikvah cleaning project? No. It’s a project.
You don’t have to be a woman to show. The sisterhood is not just for women. Do you men show up to men’s club events? No. Exactly...

Maybe help by not giving Divrei Torah... Beacuse your Torah thoughts are messed up... Quote Rashi and don't respond. Just quote Rashi and Ramban in Hebrew. No English translation. Nobody needs your commentary about how the Mikvah should be clean and how you shouldn't have to help. Nobody needs your commentary about how to give bad gifts...

It's a fight with you guys. It's a struggle... A struggle to make Jewish life a decent thing here.
(32:25-30) Yaakov wrestles with the angel... We don't even wrestle here. Yaakov understands that life is about struggle. Wrestling. With you as congregants, it's a struggle. You give no energy...
I’m not here to fight with you. Yaakov fights with the angel all night. I am ready to take on any one of you until I get a decent gift...

He gets the name Israel. I feel like the people of our shul should be called lazy...

Rivka's Rundown
Bernie changing pages in the Siddur is the most disgusting sight I have ever seen. I believe it would be better if he spat into a tissue. Even that would be disgusting.
I think the reason Bernie can't change the pages anymore is his Siddur's pages are all stuck.
Thanks to Bernie and his caustionary tale about phlegm, the children of our synagogue don't smoke.

Nobody in our shul has ever made reservations for anything. I don’t know why we have reservation as an option. I’m surprised Bar Mitzvahs have guests with table cards. There is no way our congregants are RSVPing.

The sisterhood organized the cleaning project. They didn't show up.
Nonbody showed to the Mikvah cleaning. They thought that if it was a sisterhood event people would show. They also though that if cleaning is involved, they should not show. At least the Mikvah is not dirtier.
You can try to advertise cleaning as fun. 'Exciting' doesn't get people to come if cleaning is involved. If the rabbi ever asks people to help clean at Kiddish again, we will lose all the congregants.
An exciting day of bouncy house jumping. That would draw people to clean the Mikvah. At least to the Mikvah. To clean it, that might not happen.

Dvar Torahs need consent. That is the greatest decision our board has made since the founding Avot and Imahot of our sul. The Dvar Torahs as given over by our membershiop are a form of abuse in our shul. People use Divrei Torah to express their political opinions about Trump. How they compared Esav to Trump at Kiddish this week with such ease, it just flows out of their mouths.

The shul president is a very angry person. That's true. He has to listen to every Dvar Torah the congregants give. It's painful.

Chanukah in shul is not enjoyable. I agree with the rabbi. No good gifts. This is why there are so many fights in shul, and everybody hates the Gabai.
If you know Bernie will never give you anything decent, why should you be nice to him?! Take his seat in shul. There are no repercussions. Just phlegm.
A bar of chocolate would be better than chocolate coins. And then I have that stuff stuck in my fingers all week. After I open a chocolate coin, I have to go to the manicure to deload the chocolate from my nails. I am never satisfied from the chocolate, because half of it I can't get to. And I won't start biting my nails.
The basic point is that the rabbi is expecting gifts from the congregants this Chanukah. Each night.

The proposal of seperating the shul for peace was taken very well by all members. I believe they realize they won't have to listen to Ruchel Sarah's Divrei Torah anymore.

Did the rabbi just challenge the president to a fight?! I believe he called it a fisticuffs. I don't know anybody under eighty who has said that. He challenged the president to a fight in the 1930s.
The next shul event is MMA. It's called the Yisrael Wars. We've pinned up the president vs the rabbi on the poster. If the president shows up with a decent gift with oxen, the rabbi said he will call off the fight.

Rabbi said this is the season of miracles. I think he’s been watching Hallmark. I’ve also gotten into the holiday shows and Santa. Later on the rabbi qualified his statement, 'If this is the season of miracles, nobody will get one of those rackets with a ball attached from Bernie this year... They stay attached for a minute... I am not sure even H' can cause the ball to stay attached to the racket with that rubber band. Those rubber bands are just as bad as the ones our congregants use on their socks.'