Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues.

The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul.

Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues...
Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while...
And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan...

Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year.

R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions...

It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam...

Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues.
And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood...

Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul???
Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues...
Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues
This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA.
I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda...
Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?!

And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic.
It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions...
I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah.
How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen...

You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy...
The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick.
Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips.

You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!!

Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy.

And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales...
And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps.

It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish...

Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people.
He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza.
And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it.

One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together.
The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times.

So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA.
The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul.
The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that.
The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul.

The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables.
Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.'

Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong.
The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort.

The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling.

Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses.
One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day.
Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem.

Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary.

Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

Announcements
We’ll be hosting Jewish art classes for members who can only write in script Hebrew. We'll teach membership how to look decent with their penmanship. The class on how to dress was a failure.
 
School has begun. Please ask the teachers to teach your kids to Daven. Maybe Adon Olam. At least to be silent and not talk during Davening. Maybe ask the teachers to teach your children to not be annoying. To not be annoying and to learn Hebrew. מעצבנים. That's a word.
 
Mitchel was smiling at the funeral. Though he's the son and it was very offsetting, nobody should worry. He's getting an inheritance.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Writing Hebrew Like a Jew and Not Like Sadie Who Has Very Poor Penmanship. How to Raise a Jewish Child That Knows Adon Olam by Not Sending Them to a Jewish Day School Not in Our Town. Making People Happy at Your Funeral by Giving Them Money.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You keep the purity of marriage... I know that’s offensive. The Torah is offensive. There are marriage rules. And they are offensive... Just seeing you offends me, Bernie. It's like a really bad marriage.
You need a safe home. A home with a loving husband. A home with a roof that has a fence. A shul without Bernie...
Why you all are walking on roofs all the time is messed up. Good Jewish boys don't walk on roofs. They pay not Jewish boys to walk on roofs... We care if they are safe too. Though they did the Crusades, we still care about them.

(Devarim 22:8) ‘When you build a new house you shall make a fence for your roof. And you shall not place blood in your house if a fallen person falls from it...’ You want blood in your house? It gets all over. It's hard to clean.... If you fall, I would at least think a scab...
Why I have to tell you that safety is important. Your kids run around the halls like crazies. We need to build a new shul with cushions on the walls, for safety. And no plastic toys... The plastic ax had a blood on it. There's blood everywhere in this shul. One of the kids got injured in a game of paper football... Rebecca. It's a table game.

The Rambam (Hilchot Rotzeach 11:1-5) says this applies to swimming pools and tall stairways... No. You cannot go up to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Every seen that stairwell? Three thousand feet and a sharp spiral, and a bunch of New Yorkers. Not safe... You also can't go to youth groups in our shul... The kids are crazy. Blood...

Why vineyards and marriage laws are written here too? Rashi says because one Mitzvah leads to another. And one annoying congregant with an annoying congregant question leads to another annoying congregant with another annoying congregant question... Marriage to house to vineyard. It makes sense... If you don't have a house, were do you build the vineyard??? It's best to drink near the house.

Precaution. Precaution and preparation for safety and Mitzvahs is what we're learning about. Mitzvahs and not splashing people at the pool...
Prepare correctly so you don't look like a fool. Our congregation comes off as not educated... Because you're not. Learn how to write Hebrew like a normal person.
What classy people write in Hebrew cursive?... English cursive is classy. Hebrew cursive is not classy.
If you want to make it look nice, you do not write in Israeli cursive. That’s not how you send an invitation. You write in Biblical font... Nobody showed up to the wedding because the invitation font looked Shvach. They thought there would be really bad food. 'Cursive Hebrew. They're probably serving falafel balls.' Get a Sofer to write the invitation. That's a wedding with lamb chops and pigs in a blanket.
At least dress nicely for the wedding. You look like Shlump right now...

Prepare. There’s a Mitzvah to teach children.
Your kids are in school. Do they teach them anything... I was at your Seder. The little one couldn’t even do the Mah Nishtana right. Pathetic...
At least teach them to shut up. That would be nice. That would help the rest of us Daven...

Prepare for a funeral and don’t just think about the money...
Mitchel. I know you’re getting money out of it. But it looks bad to be happy at your dad’s funeral... There are better business transactions than your dad's death.

And in marriage there are precautions. How you married Thelma is messed up. No precaution. If you would've thought about the dangers of being with Thelma for seventy years... Mazel Tov on your 70th Berns.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi didn't prepare the speech. No precaution. That's why it took so long. One person said it felt like death.
I think the rabbi could’ve made the annoying congregant point much quicker. He could've just said, 'You need a fence around the roof, and the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are annoying. And they have no idea how to raise kids right. Even their Bar Mitzvahs have messed up invitations.' That would've been a brilliant sermon.

I don't know if the rabbi cared or didn't care about not Jewish boys. The part of the Crusades left things a bit vague.

The Psak, rabbinic decree, on not being allowed to go up to the Statue of Liberty, due to the stairs, was a strong statement by our rabbi. He then went on to say that hiking is forbidden. He is now refusing to let people go camping, claiming that Jews in the wilderness is dangerous.

The font did look pathetic. You’ve got to write in Biblical Hebrew style text to make an invitation look nice. Biblical font is classy. Once you start with Hebrew cursive, you know it’s going to be falafel and chumus for dinner.
And why is it that every Israeli event has falafel? Can’t do a classy pargiot event?! An event with dark chicken fillet?! They eat that in Israel.
They really do dress bad. I think The Chatan was wearing a cardigan.

The rabbi loves pigs in a blanket. To him, that's class.

The kids in the shul are crazy and violent. I saw an Oreo at Kiddish. The kid scratched and clawed at it, just to get to the filling.
The kids don’t even know the word decorum. Forget Hebrew. They definitely don’t know how to say decorum in Hebrew.

One woman was crying at the funeral. It was a cousin. Not very close. She hadn’t seen Hymie in over forty years. She wasn’t getting an inheritance.

I believe Berns was happy for his seventieth. The rabbi wasn't. The rabbi's just thinking about how many more years he'll have to deal with Berns and Thelma.

As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors.

The Paper Chain Sukkah Project
Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat.

Paper plate Hamentashen
A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together.
Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand.
Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips.
Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry.

Draw a Dreidel
This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers.

Jewish Papercut Art
A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami.
For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts.
Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami.

Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time.
When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut.

Parents have embraced the Jewish summer camp experience, sending their kids away, enjoying the summer spent without their children. Some parents have even added a new prayer to their Shabbat liturgy, 'B"H they're gone.'
Jewish Summer Camp is a joy for the parents, and there are things that no parent should have to hear when liberated from a child. Stuff that intrudes on a parent’s enjoyment of not having their child around. Stuff that might remind them they brought that little one into the world, when the weather is nice outside. Even worse, stuff that might suggest the child wants to come home.
Here are things that you parents do not want to hear from your child at Jewish Summer Camp:
 
My Counselor is Going to be a Junior in High School
To get rid of your kid for the summer you were fine with this. Yet, hearing your child's safety is in the hands of another child has you bothered for a second. You're not bringing your kid home. But that moment of thought and doubt intrudes on your relaxation. Not fair. Forcing you to think of the well being of your kid. Chutzpah.
A high schooler is watching over your kid for the summer, keeping them safe. You didn’t trust them to babysit your kid when you went to the movies three months ago, because the teenager failed Home-Ec. Now, the fifteen-year-old is taking your youngest on overnights in the middle of the woods. To ensure the safety of your eight-year-old going up against bears, the counselor set up a buddy system, where your eight-year-old is watched over by another eight-year-old.
It's just a Chutzpah. Your little one shouldn't be killing your time away from them with thoughts of their safety.
 
I want to Come Home
That is the last thing you want to hear. That can kill some decent summer plans. Do anything you can to not hear this. Ghost your child if you have to. It may leave some scars, but at least you'll be able to enjoy your summer.
You sent them to camp to get rid of them for the summer. You were willing to spend $12,000 on each child to make sure they would not come home. You've just thrown out every art project they came home with last year. The Chanukah Menorah with the nuts on a slab of wood is finally in the trash. You even left a fifteen-year-old in charge of them, and pretended like you didn’t notice. Whatever they need, give it to them. If that means another bunk in another camp, do it.

I am Homesick
It's hard to care for your child and then to have to respond to their sickness by telling them, ‘Your mom and dad are sick of having you at home. They are feeling ill having to see you. The thought of you at the house depresses them.’

The Kids are Mean
When children are not around adults, they turn into creatures of hate with no moral sense. Wedgies become a daily activity, and they're considered fun. Encourage your child to deal with the abuse and to enjoy the wedgies, even if there's a good chance they'll come home injured.

I am at the Infirmary
You had no idea that the camp you sent your child to is an army barracks in the middle of a Catskill war zone.
Now you might have to visit. And that is your child killing your good times with thoughts of them.
You're thinking you should visit. Don't. You're thinking that malaria might be a reason to bring your child home. Don't. Your friends are coming over for a game of Scrabble later. There's a camp nurse. An infirmary. They have to learn to survive out there with upper middle class Jewish New Yorkers.

I Don’t Like Bunk Beds
They will never survive in camp or a youth hostel. They are going to be expensive to raise.

I Miss You
Worst thing to hear. No parent wants to hear this. This is your child trying to scare you. A parent only wants to hear that if it's not genuine. You want to hear, 'I love you.' That means the child is OK and doesn't want to see you.
'I miss you.' Why would your child do this to you? If the child is over thirty and living overseas, this is a fine statement. As there is no way the child will visit. At that point, they know you're not paying for them to come back home.
Do whatever you can to avoid love in your home, and you will not have to deal with this issue.

I Want a Package
Can’t get away with a month of no shopping for the kid. Now you've got to pick up Pringles, Twizzlers and hockey gear. You already spent $12,000 on camp. The least they can do is provide your child with sports equipment and some sweets. But you send it. Whatever they need, you send it, due to fear of the child coming home.
To offset the fear of packages have gotten bigger and more intricate. Now these entitled children need comfort. You have to go to the supermarket and Bed Bath & Beyond. You're sending packages with couches and air-conditioning units, and anything else that will ensure that your child does not want to come home. I've seen kids getting packages with golf carts. Golf carts with notes that say, 'Your parents love you. Please stay in camp for the second session too.'
If you want any love from your child, and to rid yourself of the threat of our child visiting home, regular Pringles will not do; you got to make sure the Pringles are the sour cream n’ onion type with a memory foam mattress.

I Miss Your Cooking
Now you have to ship an overnight package with a hotplate. Otherwise, they might want to come home.
Feels good when you hear it. Just make sure you send that package. Otherwise, they're coming home and you will have to cook spaghetti for the rest of the summer. 

Goal is to keep them there, at camp. Away from you and uncomfortable.
Next time we will discuss more stuff you don't want to hear after spending $12,000, such as ‘I’m bringing home some arts-n-crafts,’ 'I started collecting salamanders,' and 'you have to tip my counselor.'

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
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Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.