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My shul is looking for a seasoned Chazzan this Rosh Hashana. Applicants must reveal how much salt and pepper they're wearing.
You get it? Seasoned means experienced and spices. Brilliance.
I couldn't read my notes at the memorial service and thought it was emotions, till I was told 'It's Yahrzeit.' (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The Yahrzeit is the yearly day of commemoration of one’s passing. Said fast, it’s pronounced ‘your site.' A dark pun for Shabbat Nachamu.
We wanted to play something that wasn't too exciting, so we played a board game. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Board. Bored. Like any good pun, it has to be phonetic. Close your eyes and say it now. You see?! And it's Jewish tradition to play board games on Shabbat.
The shul's Torah wasn't kosher, so some congregants went on Sefaria for a Torah scroll. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? The shul needed a new Torah scroll. The congregants went to Sefaria, a computer program with Torah, that people learn from. You scroll down a website!
The young man in shul was pursuing the girl, so he took her to the Beit Din, to court her. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Beit Din is a court. You court for romance. This week's Parsha talks about court and righteous judgment. I would like to thank my student, Bella, for her help on this brilliance.
We did a show for soldiers who laughed at everything. They were a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Captive audience is people who have to be there. People taken captive are prisoners. The soldiers were laughing cause they had to. The Parsha talks of a woman taken captive.
The Shofar guy at our shul last year. I don't know what others are thinking. He really blew it.
You get it? You blow the shofar. 'He blew it' means he did a bad job. Didn't blow well. Double meaning.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.