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The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you. Chuch a lot Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania. Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable. Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai. Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.' Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right. Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong. Pace This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job. Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job. The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s. Go Loud Every Once in a While Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh. Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi. Move Stuff Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed. Looks of Disapproval Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes. Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.' Ask for Tzedaka That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment. Talk Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul. I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.' Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect. A Really Big Hat A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana. These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed. You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed. Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong. If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud. Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me.
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday. Hugs A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys. The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another. Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer. Kids Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur. Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child. Shushing Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them. The Welcomer This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul. Conversation If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah. Takes the Cellphone Call Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes. Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul. Random Out Loud Hebrew Words The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy. I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups. Shemonah Esrei Out Loud The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently. Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying. Sitting Right Next to Me Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship. There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job. I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest. Walking Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling. Handshake Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening. The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too. They Cough Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell. Sneeze I have never heard louder sneezes. I guess they feel comfortable. A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew. Chuchs Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch. As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160. These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun. Singing So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah. And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up. Breathing Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..' Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people. Standing Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!' Shuckling The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly. Wearing A Scarf Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida. Chair Movement How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews. Reconfigure the Shul How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah. It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:7-81/11/2024
Laws 7-8: Oneness Can't Be Defined - So We Shall Define It
Law 7: There is only One. As it says in the Torah, (Devarim 6:4) 'H" is our Gd, H" is One.' That is another commandment. Third one in this chapter. Three commandments for a belief that we cannot believe in more than once. That is a lot of expression of one belief, that there is One. One Gd. How many gods do you need? Are there not enough Mitzvahs as there is?! We don't need more commandments. The Torah is good. Anything more than One would mean physical and that means an end. That means a board is getting involved and there are committees, and religion dies. I hope that doesn't offend you. H' is not offended. H' doesn’t have feelings, for that would mean change, and that is physical. Point is that this is very confusing. H' has no body. Hence, anything dealing with bodies is not relevant to Gd. H' is not limited or defined. Gd is simply one. Therefore, we can't describe Gd. Now I am confused, and trying to figure out why we are defining something that can't be defined. This feels a bit like math. As it teaches in the Shema, (Devarim 6:4) 'Hear oh Israel, H' is our Lord H' is One.' That's it. H' is one and there are a lot of Mitzvahs about it. Law 8: H' has no body, as H' is the 'Lord in the heavens above and earth below' (Devarim 4:39). A physical being can't be in two places at once. How my parents knew when I misbehaved in school is still an anomaly. And H' resembles nothing else. Physical beings resemble other things. That cannot happen when there is oneness. H' doesn't have a doppelganger. Nobody has ever posted a Gd lookalike on Instagram. Only selfies. Anybody who thinks they're posting a Gd doppelganger is probably posting Charlton Heston. Charlton was Moses. (Isaiah 40:25) 'To whom can you liken Me and that I will be equal.' Something with a body has equals. And H' doesn't have an ego. He's not showing off here. If Deion Sanders was saying that he has no equal, that would be egotistical. I didn't learn the rest of Isaiah. Too many chapters. Why do we not see H'? If we would've seen Gd at Har Sinai, we would've started making idols (Devarim 4:15-16). We would've got all high on ourselves and started making gods. Physical beings like Play-Doh too much. Why do you need H' to be physical? Do you have a need to go drinking with Him?! I am confused. Who is my doppelganger? Without these beliefs in Gd, it would appear that we would be following subjective laws, and there would not be a ‘Truth.' I have met many people, and I can say that I would not want them making up laws. We all see what happened in the Knesset over the past 75 some-odd years. How the Jerusalem municipality can put a stop on my bank account for not paying somebody else's Arnona... only a finite being can come up with a law like that. Want to talk about why there is no decent park in my neighborhood? Somebody in the city made that decision. Some fool who is probably printing Silly Putty on a newspaper right now. Lesson: The real idea being expressed is that us finite beings are idiots. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that you are not that smart. Because we are not that clever, the Torah commands us to believe in Gd, in three ways. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:61/4/2024
Law 6: You Don't Get Knowledge from College
Law 6: This belief, this knowledge, of Gd is the commandment of ‘I am H’ your Gd’ (Exodus 20:2). The commandment is not the belief that you have control over your internet package. You don't. They're going to change it. It's not the knowledge that your mechanic will rip you off. Though that is a foundational truth of the world. It is that H' is Gd, and Gd is Truth. And you cannot think that there are other gods, as that would be transgressing the negative commandment of ‘You shall not have other gods before Me.’ (Exodus 20:3). Why the Rambam has to repeat the Mitzvah that is explicitly stated in the Torah? Learn a bit. Keep Shabbat. It says it in the Torah, so keep it. Do we have to go over every Mitzvah. Maybe we should spend some time reminding you to do the Mitzvah H' tells you to do. How about you don't worship idols?! Let's start there. It's like we're speaking to a bunch of heretics. So yes, thoughts count. As unimportant as you may be, and as much as you don't know, you can still transgress and/or do a mitzvah. If you help out around the house and maybe call for a new internet bundle package, maybe you're getting a Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. Even so, honoring your parents is not the commandment of belief. The belief is that H' is your Gd. Believing that you have to honor your parents is not a Mitzvah. Get them a decent internet package, and help a bit around the house. Honor your parents because it says it in the Torah. It's a Mitzvah. Sorry we didn't repeat that yet. This knowledge of Gd is the Ikar (main thing) that everything else is founded on. Yes. Anybody who doesn’t believe in Gd is an idiot. They know nothing. They are so dumb, they might even end up becoming a professor. And who commanded this? Gd. Exactly. If you don't believe this, you're a heretic. How many gods do you think there are? That was a trick question. The dean of Harvard would've gotten the answer wrong. And this is why I am starting a course for our Ivy League students that is Belief in The Primary Being for Fools Who Think They Are Important and Hate Jews 101. The next course will be Context 103 in which you learn that you’re an idiot who paid 500k for college. Lesson: If you don't know this stuff. It's fine. Just keep saying the Shema. Maybe you’ll see 'H’ is Truth' there too. And say the Shema (see Halacha 4). It's a Mitzvah. If people would just learn a little Torah, we wouldn't have to repeat everything. Next week, we will be back with more Rambam Halachas, repeating the Torah for you and reminding you to upgrade your internet and cable package. Prices are going down. And it’s a Mitzvah to learn Torah. It says that in the Torah. So, you have to learn the Halachas, because the Rambam is repeating the Torah. You have no choice. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:4-512/30/2023
Laws 4-5 Gd is the Only Truth - He Keeps The World Going
Law 4: H' is Truth. That means that He alone is truth. And there is no truth like Him. You might have a moment where you thought, 'It all makes sense. Harry likes Cho Chang.' You might have a moment where you didn't lie about taking out the trash. That may be true, but that is not Truth like Gd. That is you owning up to the fact that you were asked to help a good twelve times and you did not. Feel good about that. Maybe now you can help and say you helped. That would also be truth. Where is Gd in your non-helpfulness? That is where it gets complicated. (Devarim 4:35) 'There is none asides from Him.' There is no true existence but Him. And that means pickleball. It does not exist outside of Gd. H' is the True Existence that lasts forever. And as much as it pains us, pickleball may end one day. It might happen when people learn about tennis. Law 5: Who is this? Surprise. It's H'. If I have to spell this out for you... The Primary Being who is all Truth is not the guy who told you about his first date at the birthday party in fourth grade. It is not Paul Pierce. It is H'. He does not stop. With His power that is endless and without a hand or body, He keeps the world going. And this is why we support prosthetics. Why does He keep it going? I am still trying to figure that out. There are more mistakes we can make. We can also do Mitzvahs. I am guessing H' keeps it going for the mistakes. Those happen more often. And why are you learning this and still not taking out the trash. Help out around the house every once in a while. I don't know if that’s a Halacha in the Rambam. I just know that it will get mom mad. That is the truth. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:1-312/20/2023
Laws 1-3: We Need a Primary Nonphysical Being
That's how I sum up the first chapter. If my friend Tom was running the world, we would be in trouble. Now let's learn a bissel Torah. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that there is a Primary Being that exists. This is not the old guy in shul who spits on his fingers to turn pages. That is disgusting. That's primeval. Not primary. And that guy should be introduced to tissues. Handkerchiefs just add the disgustingness. The Primary Being is Gd. Gd doesn't spit on fingers. If you think He has fingers, you're a heretic. If you don’t have this knowledge, you will come to conclusions that Dr. Fauci is correct. That is not good. Everything else only exists because of this Being. This Primary Being. That includes badminton and pickleball. Everything else is bound by the physical world, and thus needs this Being. You are physically bound, which means you have limitations. I will be the first inspirational speaker to tell you that you can't accomplish anything you set your mind to. The only thing you have control over is where you sit in shul. And even then, you might end up sitting next to a guy who Chuchs and hocks loogies on his Siddur to turn the pages. The Primary Being does not need anything else to exist. However, nothing else could exist without Him. The world goes around because he causes it to. Gd does not need you. Gd does not need you. And you cannot accomplish anything you set your mind to. I hope that is inspirational. It inspires me. If it helps. If you follow His commandments, H' may want you. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.
Call it a Gala What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware. Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish. Festivate Your Table All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time. Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala. To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins. Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening. Menorah Lighting You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish. At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already. Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse. Gifts for Kids All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes. If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas. If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts. Bouncy House That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition. Chinese Auction Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians. What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China. A Dreidel Spinoff If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving. At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education. Latkes If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As we discussed in the Halachas of Tzitzit, an Onen is not required to practice the commandment. From the death of a close relative until the time they are buried, the pre-mourner (Onen) must focus on burying their loved one. Thus, the pre-mourner is not required in positive commandments. Due to the pleasure of not having to do Mitzvot, this has led to many people not being buried for a very long time. If people would just enjoy Tzitzit.
Let’s get into the history of Tzitzit and undershirt development and why people are all of the sudden enjoying wearing Tzitzit. Wool to Cotton The first Tzitzit were wool. Back in the Balkan Peninsula in the 12th century, it was much easier to grab a sheep and de-hair it than to plant cotton seed. Wool Tzitzit first became popular in Czarist Russia, sparking the growth of the Chasidic movement. It helped those living without decent heating in the Kiev and Lvov regions. This is why Lvov has been part of every country in Europe over the years. Bad heating. Wool Tzitzit helped with warmth and allowed Jews to learn Torah during the day. Yet, it was itchy, which the snobs of Western Europe did not like. To quote a great student of a teacher who was educated by a rav, who was educated by a great rabbi and student of a sage, 'The itch of the Tzitzit tassels on my leg is enough. I don't need to walk around scratching my torso as well.' The Joy of Cotton and Linen It was the days before undershirts. Mind you. There were no undershirts, cotton was not readily available in the Pale, and there was a lot of discomfort. People were so mad, they even went out of their way to purchase Tallises to swing at others. And forget the summers. The wool Tzitzit were so warm, people were sweating all the time. Showers were necessary daily, and drought was a natural result. Thus came cotton Tzitzit. As Shlomo Yankel exclaimed, 'Now these breathe! It's hard to control on the skin, but it breathes.' And then linen came along, and life was beautiful. Due to Shatnez (the law of not mixing wool and linen), people didn't have to worry about having to wear wool Tzitzit outside of Czarist Russia ever again. Tyranny came to an end. Nonetheless, there was still a bit of undergarment movement. Polyester Tzitzit Some fool decided to introduce polyester. Shlomo Yankel was in shock, and on behalf of the Jewish people he questioned, 'How does something so thin make me sweat more than wool?!' Why people were creating new Tzitzit still was an anomaly. But we as Jews are innovative. Just look at the prepackaged Chanukah oil filled cups and Sukkot decorations with Santa Claus on them. Innovation never ceases with our people. History Of Undershirts Undershirts only developed in the early twentieth century. This explains why the Industrial Revolution truly took off in the 1900s. People needed more undershirts. The American forefathers were sick of having to put on a set of clothes under their clothes. The simple concept of short sleeve cotton against the body was revolutionary. A second Revolutionary War almost took place when John Long suggested undershirts be made from wool. That was shot down. Literally shot down. And nobody heard from John Long again. Nonetheless, we are still stuck with his thermal underwear, also known as long johns. Greatly usable in the winter. The businessman he was, he did suggest we wear them during the summers as well. It was at this moment, with the arrival of the undershirt, the modern Tzitzit became fully bearable. Though they were not required, even women insisted on wearing Tzitzit. Rav Scheinberg was so comfortable, he decided to wear tens of Tzitzit at once. The Tzitzit revolution was underway. We had cotton. We had comfort. We had normal undershirts. John Long was shot. Now what do we do? We make Tzitzit as small as possible. Would Thomas Jefferson have worn Tzitzit if he had a decent undershirt? We will never know. Mesh The tiny mesh Tzitzit era of the late 1980s. It was a very uncomfortable decade. Some people even stopped wearing undershirts. Comfort was forgotten. The rabbis got rid of the mesh Tzitzit quite quickly, as mesh is a little too provocative. Some Tzitzit were a single tiny cloth. A string with tassels attached. What the '80s did to the soul of our nation is still something we as a nation are rebounding from. It all can be traced back to David Lee Roth. The Mesh Tzitzit also moved as much as a Tallis. Undershirts with Buttons Years went by and the undershirt was remembered. Fruit of the Loom reminded us of comfort. Innovation never stops with our people, and the Hanes three pack price hike was too much for us to bear as a people. To quote, 'We need to make them into Tzitzit.' So, they created an undershirt Tzitzit that was with a button. Known as the buttoned undershirt fiasco of 1993, worst idea behind mesh, or the Neatzit Insurrection, this was the worst use of undershirts. Very loose, and a random metal button you had to snap on each side. Most mid-age Jewish men did not have the dexterity to look to the side and snap a button. And with the loose fit, our Jewish men put on an average of fifteen pounds when wearing Tzitzit. When Jewish men were told they needed to start going to the gym to work on their agility for button snapping, they protested the undershirt button Tzitzit. The phase lasted three weeks, a mourning period. To this day you can find a pair of snappable undershirt Tzitzit in your dad's closet. In protest and due to the trauma suffered from Neatzit, Jewish men have not been to the gym since. As a community, we went back to wool. Anything was better than a button. People found themselves sweating again. For some reason, the undershirt with a button was hated so much that our community reacted with hatred towards cotton. Evolution of the New Undershirt Tzitzit Ends Finally, some brilliant man in Israel in 2021 said, 'Why the button. Undershirts are comfortable.' A Tzadik. To quote Israel News Syndicates, 'Something good came out of corona.' They took undershirts, cut the sides, got rid of the button, and everybody was comfortable. A thread count of a hundred forty. Fits nice and snug. It's a joy. All the soldiers want Tzitzit now. The four cornered garment has taken off in the Israeli army. It's the stories of Jewish life saved. It's the story of the development of the modern-day undershirt Tzitzit and the comfort they offer. Either way, it's beautiful to see Jews practicing Mitzvot. And people are getting buried on time. We as Jews are forever indebted to Fruit of the Loom. No thank yous were ever sent. Epilogue to Our History To wear the undershirt Tzitzit, if you want to smell decent, you still need an undershirt. Otherwise, after two days of Tzitzit you smell disgusting. And to this day the Tassels running down the legs itch. Will they invent a Tzitzit leg separator? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Any garment with four or more corners needs Tzitzit. That being said, we don’t walk around with a Tallis, a prayer shawl, anymore.
I thus present to you the history of Tzitzit. A history which I re-edited multiple times to make sure the second ‘t’ was present in all spellings of Tzizit. Please note, we are not going to go into the history of the cloak Tzitzit. Us Jews consider Robin Hood a thief, and Friar Tuck was a bandit. And we thus do not identify with cloaks. We will leave it there. Now let us focus on the beginning of the evolution to today’s undershirt Tzitzit. Who Wears Four Cornered Garments Back in ancient times, people loved four cornered garments. Under Roman rule everybody loved the four cornered look. It was the style. Egyptians were also big on the four-corner look. Known as the quadrigape, t was very hip in the years 1,400 to 3,485 from creation. It Used to be a Tallis The Tallis was very popular in the BCEs. It was the look. Everybody was wearing long Tallises, kind of like a poncho. After years of drought, many Jews felt the poncho wasn’t necessary. So, the wrap around Tallis as we know today became popular, as well as hitting people with tassels. Many people started showing to shul with their blankets. It was comfortable, easy, and with the quick bed to dress turnover people were showing up to shul on time. However, once the rabbis started making them put Tzitzit (the tassels) on the corners of the blankets, it became too much of a chore. Blankets were thus designated for sleep. And spouses started getting along again. To quote a couple overheard in therapy, 'Every night, right when I was falling asleep, I was getting smacked by tassels.' At this time, the Tallis of today, the white 2,000 thread count sheet was introduced. People wore them over their clothes. Yet, with all the Roman tassel hatred, people were looking for something to wear under the shirt. They tried the Tallis. Yet, the Tallis under the shirt was not practical. Adjusting the Tallis Have you ever tried wearing a Tallis under your shirt? You can’t adjust it. The average Tallis wearer has to adjust his Tallis at least eighteen times during Shacharit. That’s where the meaning of Chai comes from. It’s the number of times your Tallis slips off your shoulders during morning prayers. The ancient Chai necklace used to be in the shape of a Tallis. I couldn’t find proof of this, so the source for future generations will have to be the Kibbitzer Magazine and myself, Rabbi David. Sometimes history is better given over in the form of conjecture. People also end up hitting me with the tassels each time the re-fix their Tallis. For my safety and for the times I forget to bring eye protection to shul, the Tallis has not remained in regular daytime use. Not needing explanation, in the times of the Second Temple many fights broke out in the Shuk, due to Tallis adjustment. Due to baseless hatred caused by Jewish lack of Tallis control, we developed what is known as Tzitzit (not just tassels, but what we put the tassels on- to complicate things we use the same word for both). It was too late. Too many people had been injured by the membership at my shul, hatred was rampant. The Second Temple was going to be destroyed due to hatred amongst our people. It’s hard to make peace with somebody who swings a dangerous tassel at you on a daily basis. Tzitzit Are First Developed Tzitzit, The Tallit Katan, The small Tallis which adopted its name from the commandment to have Tzitzit (tassels), was developed. Less violence, less need for ophthalmologists, future generations could have peace, and no more garment slipping off the shoulders. Redemption was now a hope again. Regular clothes were able to be worn. You put the Tzitzit under them, and you didn’t have to constantly take off your shirt in public, to adjust a Tallis. A horrendous sight. It was a practical move. A move that stopped much baseless hatred due to out of shape Jewish men adjusting their Tallis. The constant need for Tallis adjustment is also why they stopped making Tallises out of silk in 2001. Why it took so long to figure out that silk Tallises were impossible?! Epilogue to Our History Now people only wear Tallises in shul. It helps keep warm when the Gabai insists on turning up the air-conditioning. Fights still happen in shul, but they are blatant. If you get hit by Tzitzit tassels, somebody definitely doesn’t like you. Will the Biblical cloak Tzitzit dress come back? We are not sure. History will tell. As long as undershirt Tzitzit are around and not too many Jews get hooked on Dungeons and Dragons, the cloak Tzitzit will remain obsolete. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.
Decorate It How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork. Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations. Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. Eat in It That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah. Hang Sticky Tape This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well. I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah. Bring Out the Food Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself. Nobody will help. Host Sukkah Hoppers This means to have sweets ready. Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday. Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing. Torah Conversations That won’t happen. Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah. Sleep in the Sukkah You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience. Wave Your Lulav in It That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark. Programs Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers. Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last year we talked about purchasing seats. This year we’re going to focus on saving money.
Don't buy prime cushion seating from the shul office this year. You're praying to Gd for a year of financial success. You don't want to start with a two-hundred-dollar seat debt. Two hundred dollars and you don't even get to take the chair home. It's a rip off. Best way to save money is to sit in the plastic section. Sit in the Plastic Chair Section The plastic section is for crowd overflow. Many of the people showing up to this section didn't think about purchasing Yom Kippur seats, making this the fiscally responsible way to spend the High Holidays. This section is full of people the congregation can't depend on to help or volunteer, again making this the right section for you. No shame in the plastic chair section. Keter chairs are quite comfortable. If you're sitting here, you probably didn’t pay dues. And you're probably not going to close on a decent commercial real estate property this Yom Kippur. That is fine. The savvy plastic sitter will act surprised when they walk into shul. Sitting in this section, you'll want to let people know that you had no idea that people purchase seats for the High Holidays. Advantages To the Plastic Section If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. That means giving other people less room, and you being happy. Hence, making for a more meaningful Yom Kippur. Being that you have seat moving ability, you might want to bring an ottoman for greater relaxation. The Kohens in the Temple must've had ottomans for the Musaf service. It's long. And the plastic chair is mobile. Let’s say you want to take a break. You're sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair. Yizkur comes and you're in the hallway looking classy with your portable sitting arrangement, while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than twelve hours, take your seat out back for some decent relaxation and a sunbathe. Don't Be Afraid to Move Your Chair Never feel left out. If you want to be part of the action, place your plastic chair in the aisle. There's always room in the aisle. Somebody at my shul thought ahead and brought a lawn chair. He placed it right in the middle aisle. Lots of room there not being used. They had to walk around him with the Torah, but that was fine. He saved tons on that High Holiday seat, and he was able to return it to Walmart after Yom Kippur. I sat next to him. It's kind of like moving up to the dugout section at a baseball game, if the stadium didn't provide seats and you had to carry a plastic chair to the expensive section. Great way to get better value for your dollar on Yom Kippur. No Names on Chairs Write your name on the chair. It's about class. Even though you may even be bringing the chair from your house, which the financially savvy do, you should still have it assigned to you. It's part of High Holiday tradition. Sharpies work great. Don't use magic markers. Sharpies are much better, and they also bring a bit more acclaim to your plastic chair. Know Your Hebrew Name That should be what is on your chair. You don't want your chair reading, "Max the Son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat." Stick Up for Yourself The plastic chair section can be a bit rough if you're not assertive. The guy in front of me last year set up his chair for his own needs. He showed up on time. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he had. He coughed and pushed the chair back at the same time. He kept inching it back. By the end of the reading of Sefer Yona, he had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. I was stuck doing the Mincha prayer on the balls of my feet. He was taking three full steps back, pacing during the prayers, and somehow I still got whacked in the face by the tassels when he was swinging on his Tallit (prayer shawl). Some shuls may offer portable cushioned chairs in the back section. Beware of these shuls. They may ask for a donation after the holidays. Better to sit on the floor than to fall for that bait and switch. I would also beware of doing any Mi SheBeyrach blessings for your family at these shuls. You think you're getting a deal; a free blessing for the family. Then, they spring the Tzedakah clause on you. Next thing you know, you're down eighteen dollars for caring about your family. If there is anything we learned, the plastic chair section is perfect for the thrifty Yom Kippur goer. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Rambam gives us beautiful insight into how to give Tzedakah. This is found in the Mishnah Torah Laws of Gifts to the Poor 10:7-14. Let's delve.
Level 8: The giver is pained by the act of giving Who doesn't hate giving?! Known simply as Tzedakah, this is when you give charity. For instance, when somebody is in need, and you do a kind deed and give them money to help them out. When you take that money and give it, you feel a sharp pain in your shoulder, known as kindness. This also known as dues. Level 7: They give less than they should but does so cheerfully Of course they're cheerful, they're barely giving anything. They're saving money on this. This is when they come around with the Tzedakah box at shul and you put in a dollar. I've never seen anybody put more than a dollar into the Pushke box. Level 6: Gives after being solicited This is when you're stuck at a red light and a stranger knocks on your window. You're scared. To ward off the potential threat, you pull out a dollar and get them angrier. This is also when a stranger comes to your front door. You give them money in fear they'll break in. Then they see you have a wallet and you end up giving more. Level 5: Donor gives without being solicited This never happens. I've been on a member of congregations around the world. This has never happened. The closest thing to this is when you get a calendar for Rosh Hashanah, and you feel bad that these people have been chasing you for eighteen years. So, you give them Chai dollars. Eighteen dollars of generousness. You feel you've done your job in helping purchase a house for the homeless children in Israel. If it ever does happen, if somebody donates from their heart, you'll find out. There will be a plaque. Level 4: Recipient knows the donor but donor doesn't know recipient You'll know who you gave it to when you get nasty looks at shul for being cheap. Level 3: Donor knows the recipient but recipient doesn't know donor You give money and you're constantly asking yourself why this guy can't get a job. And then they end up pledging two-hundred dollars for Maftir. Level 2: Neither donor nor recipient knows the other Somebody else is stealing this money. Level 1: Donor gives recipient the wherewithal to be self-sustaining This is the highest level of charity, as you're not even giving charity. Hence, it's also the most beloved form of Tzedakah. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is not to give them the fish, but to teach them how to fish. You give them an activity to get their mind of the fact that they're broke. Help them escape from their messed up lives for a few minutes with something to do. Maybe they'll forget they're hungry. Nowhere does the Rambam say to give a lot of Tzedkah. He knows nobody will do that. Tithing is also not mentioned as a level here. He knows. The greatest level, which the Rambam doesn't mention, is when there is a building put up with your name on it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend. Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night. Gold Trimming On The Cover Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this. Inside Should Look Old It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle. If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already. No English Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd. Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur. You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs. No Pictures on The Cover Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah. If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures. If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard. Kippahs on All Pictures Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form. Books Numbered by Daily Readings As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim. All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi. Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman. All Books Need Haskamas Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read. Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas. If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs. The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur. If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv: The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive. The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain. (Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy. Let's see what else happened. The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat. I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller. The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this. I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes. Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus. Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us. Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.' It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!' As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers. Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim. If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?! At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea. While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad. There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples. Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened: 1) Moshe broke the Luchot. He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons. Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful. 3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy. If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us. 4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple. There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude. There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart. Truly. It's the Chutzpah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych. Who Deserves a Yashkoych If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you. Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him. Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs. Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych. Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five. Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better. Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit. One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round. The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first. I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I got stuck on דף מ"ט
49a When you damage somebody's field, you pay them back with the best of your field or the best of their field. I don't know which one. That part is very confusing. Rabbi Yishamel and Rabbi Akiva argue. But they don't argue. But they do. We think they argue. 49b Nope. They're arguing. Rabbi Yishmael says you have to pay from the best of the fields of the Nizik (the one who got damaged). Rabbi Akiva says from the best of the fields of the one who did the damages, the Mazik. It's a better deal for the Mazik to pay from the Nizik's best, as your ox damaged all of their stuff already. So, you pay from the best of the trampled-on corn. And then other people get involved and it gets confusing. They talk about Tikun Olam (fixing the world) and that is why you have to give from the best of your field, so that people don't steal. If the judges take away your best property, you won't steal. You'll be stuck with the stuff that you stole. And why are you stealing Kias when you have to pay back with a Toyota. Lexus would be a better example. We should've said Lexus. The real lesson here is, don't get caught. We have a Ketubah so that the husband doesn't get rid of his wife. Without a Ketubah he would drop her right away. It's easier to watch football when you don't have a wife. But when you have to now pay 200 zuz, you think twice about letting her go. So there is reason to say you can pay her with the best of your field. But maybe it's the worst of your field. All I know is that women want to get married and men want a big screen and a beer. We learn the laws of marriage from damages and theft. That's how our sages understand marriage. וכי תימא 'Maybe you'll say'- When the Gemara said this it got more confusing for everybody. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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This is the what I remember from last week...
OK. Next week we will discuss Gittin Daf 47-53 The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis. People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know. The Arm Raise Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention. Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning. We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate. Arm Raise Hand Open Close This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance. The Chest Bounce Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured. Huddle Jump Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get. The Solo Jump Around Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form. This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit. Arm Interlocked Twirl Around Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle. The Hand-in-Hand Spin Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes. The Airplane Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people. Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded. The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall. The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head. Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter. The Rebbe Approach This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you. That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad. Final Note of Safety Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing. Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt. I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe. Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Good Jewish Dad6/17/2023
What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes.
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does. Taking the Kids Out to Eat That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself. Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit. A Good Look of Guilt You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong. That is how you make good Jews. Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish. No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach. Don't Hit Your Kids That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. Unconditional Love Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.' Teach the Kids to Swim It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC. There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player. Take them to The Mountains It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews. Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home. If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz. Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin. The Head Nod That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet. Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee. A Blink That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink. Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition. The Hand It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition. Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start. As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment. The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go. Loud Breath Out That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants. I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison. The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from). The Table Bang That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh. The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!' If There is a Rabbi Wait How long? A very long time. After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi. Grunts and Throat Clearing They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon. I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts. Conclusion Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud. And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin. We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place. One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition. I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time. Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel. Never Purchase Falafel Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me. Stick to Pita I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel. Do Not Ask for Falafel They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns. If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out. And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita. Purchase Half a Pita If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day. Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well. You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it. The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick. Stand By the Salads- The Salatim First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money. Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability. Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living. Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Frum tourist. That’s the look... baseball hat, shorts and Tzitzis out. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt and a baseball hat.
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3/6/2024
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