Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
I enact rabbinic decrees in locker rooms when I'm trying to relax in the Shvitz.

Rambam (Hilchot Teshuva 7:5) teaches "All prophets commanded us to do Teshuva.” Always telling us we have to repent. Always focused on the negative. Never, “You guys are doing great with the idols."
 
(Devarim 25:17–19) We are commanded to remember Amalek to erase their memory. And we’re commanded to read that, in order to remember them, to not remember them. It’s not easy, but we have to remember to not remember Amalek. You forget things by remembering them.
Please forget that I wrote that. But remember what I wrote, but only to not remember what I wrote.
 
Everybody must fight in a Milchemet Mitzvah. (Rambam Hilchot Melachim 5:2) A war to protect Israel from enemies “you force the nation to go out.” Rambam left out the part, “Unless if you’re Charedi.” I said it.

You should forget what I taught here. But remember what I taught, so you can forget it, to remember it.​

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

I don't know Cliff, but I do have his notes. Nonetheless, I don't like calling them Cliff's notes, as Megillat Esther is a Jewish thing. I also refuse to call them Cole's, as I have never met a Jew named Cole. We shall thus call these Kfir's Notes.
Let us begin Megillat Esther.

​Chapter 1
Achashverosh, the king, has a big party. Which means a lot of drunk people. That’s how you show your wealth. You spend it and ensure people have a hangover and puke.
It wasn't an ice cream party. You want to be popular, you throw a kegger. Not a custarder.

All happened in Persia. But we know that's Iran. You can't fool us. We know the Persians are the ones causing all the problems.
Jews say they’re Persian, Persian Jews, but we know. 
 
One-hundred-eighty-seven days of drinking. And not one of them showed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. People didn't get addicted back then. They just kept on drinking. Hence, no issues.
It wasn't one-hundred-eighty-seven days of vanilla strawberry swirl soft serve. Though, I would've loved that. 
Nowadays, you can't even get away with one day of coming home drunk without your wife going off on you. You need a king's edict just to have a shot.

These guys were in the palace, partying. Loving it. Until a woman talked. Women can truly kill a good half year of binge drinking.
At the end of the party, Achashverosh invites his wife to show her beauty. Somehow, she didn't like the sound of walking into a room of a bunch of drunk men, for them to check her out. I'm guessing, if he would've said he wanted to have a romantic candlelit dinner, she would've come. All dinners were candlelit back then. If a guy ever asks you to a candlelit dinner in the 500 BCEs, be suspicious. 
People were like, "Wait. Why are there no women?... Achshi. You're a cool guy and all. But a hundred-eighty-six days of Bros, that's a little much." They called him Achshi. After drinking with the king for half a year, you're buddies. Buddies shorten their buddies’ name. 

Vashti refuses come. Like the annoying wife, she tells him to sober up first. "I don't want to see you drunk."
This was the first time a woman expressed her opinion in Persia. It was scary. The wise men were in shock. "Hold on. These things talk. That's not good. Did she just make a decision. Every book I've ever read says these things listen to men and cook what man wants. But they don't talk... Opinions?! Next thing you know, every man in Persia will be stuck eating chicken curry and gazpacho."
So they get rid of Vashti, because women shouldn't talk.

The drunk men were not happy that Vashti did not allow them to hoot at her. Much argument takes place as to why women should not make decisions. But nobody has any good answers, as they couldn't ask women what they thought. One fool said, "We should ask a woman. Women have good ideas." They hung him.

The wise men decide it’s not good for women to make decisions. "We must stop them. Otherwise, we will have to come back home Saturday nights to be with the family." 
Vashti is gone. She is royalty no more, and an edict is sent out that men shall rule over their homes. And the homes of Persia become very messy. Schmutz everywhere.

And this is why we have the Ayatollah.
 
Chapter 2
Achashverosh realizes that getting rid of his wife was a bad decision. Not having a wife feels bad when you're sober and you don't have a decent series to watch. 
Being a king is not easy. You can't always depend on the harem and the concubines. You only have two-thousand in the harem. What do you with all the extra free time when you're not with the concubines.
This is where the saying "you only have one-thousand concubines" comes from. Later, people perverted Achashverosh's words to be, "You only have one wife."
 
​Achashverosh wakes up by himself and realizes he needs another one of these things. "I like these Vashti things. How do I get another one of these Vashti things?" The popular word for women in those days was "things." And it wasn't considered male chauvinism. Because women weren't allowed to talk, it was considered men's rights. According to men, you had men and things.

The men decided the best way to do get another one of these things was to bring a bunch of women into the house and wait another six months to see them. To which Achashverosh responded, "This feels like a Jewish engagement."

Mordechai tells Esther, his cousin who he raised, to go try out for the role of queen. A theater dad. See it all the time in the Jewish community. "Perform for the king. It's a good gig. Marrying the king is good money. It sets you up for life. A good pension."
Mordechai needed the money. We know this. In chapter four, he’s walking around in sackcloth.

Esther joins the harem for six months of perfume. In those days, they didn't have deodorant. It took a long time to get rid of the stench of the ghormeh sabzi.
Esther is liked by the people and the king likes her the most. He decides she’s instead of Vashti. And now she can talk to the king when summoned. She better talk to the king when summoned. You don't want to make a Vashti. Vashti was the slur used for a good hundred years for women who didn't summon upon being summoned.
No other woman is allowed to talk for fear of death. Which, to be honest, makes it easier to get in a word.
 
Mordechai heard these two guys, Bigtan and Teresh, planning to kill the king. They were still into this "No Women" protest thing. When they saw the Achashverosh was willing to talk to a woman, they started the "No Kings" protest. They truthfully just enjoyed protesting, and made good money off it. They had a few months where they had nothing to protest. They started a "Concubines Matter" rally. They even rallied for "Free Lydia," where they were shouting, "Kill all the Jews," because it's fun to say that. 
Through Esther, Mordechai tells Achashverosh that Bigtan and Teresh want to kill him, so they hang Bigtan and Teresh. End of that story. I don't believe Achashverosh took this to court.
And they put it in the chronicles. This way everybody can forget about. “’And we killed them.’ Anything else happen today… ‘And the king enjoyed the teriyaki sauce.’”
No last names. In the history of mankind there has never been another Bigtan and Teresh. People don't know this, but Bigtan was very small. His friends were going to nickname him LargeMass. But his buddies went with Bigtan, as it sounded less offensive. Teresh's nickname was "Teresh."

Conclusion
There were a lot of buddies in the days of Achashverosh.
And now you can't get drunk on Purim, or your wife will get mad at you. There's a reason for edicts.
And all because Vashti talked, women are set back to having to use perfume again. And there are another twenty-four-hundred years till women's rights, Bloomingdale's and community gardens are created.

I believe this is longer than the Megillah itself. We're only in chapter two, and we haven't even discussed soft serve ice cream. It might be more useful to skip Kfir's Notes and read the Megillah on Purim.

(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also has me thinking more when going down a flight of stairs.
To do repentance right, you want to make sure that you have a constant worry of death. And that is how you find happiness.
If you find yourself at a bar, as a religious Jew, always think of your friend choking on the peanuts. That will bring true joy. That and bringing up conversations of how we all die one day.

(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 320:9) You can walk on snow on Shabbat, even if your walking crushes it and makes water. Tell this to all the people that didn’t show up to shul last Shabbis. 

(Vayikra 19:17) “Don’t hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow...” I take this Mitzvah to heart and tell people off regularly.
I’m very good at telling people off. Sometimes I flip them the bird, to ensure I am fulfilling the commandment correctly. Especially when driving.

After Orlah (first three years when you can't eat of a tree's fruit), in the fourth year the fruit is Neta Revai and has Kedusha, holiness. If you live long enough you might be able to enjoy an apple.

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. 

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
​
A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.

Laws 1-4: Everything is made up of four things and then they die. That is science. Why I needed a whole year of high school chemistry to learn that is an anomaly.

Law 1: Everything comes from fire, wind, water and earth. Everything is formed from that. If you saw Captain Planet, you would know the fifth element is heart. And that is how you save the world. The Rambam didn't have sources like TBS. Just the Gemara. Which is why his facts may not have been a hundred percent correct.
 
Law 2: Fire and wind go up, and earth and water go down. Fire is hottest and dry earth is coldest. Fire is the lightest and earth is the heaviest. These four are the foundations of everything. That all makes sense, until it's in a plane. Modern technology can complicate the study of Torah a bit.
Everything has different extrapolations of these four, forming different beings and objects. ​And this explains how mermaids exist. This explains counterfeit coins. 
I studied ancient science. Ask me any question of any object and I can tell you the amount of what element is in it. "A cup full of water?" That is made up of a lot of water.
The four main elements combine. And they combine in different ways to make different beings. There are some people who just don’t look right. How too much wind can make for huge ears that don't match a face is a study in itself.
Some things have more fire, which is why they are warmer. Whereas stones are dry because they have a lot of earth. In some beings you'll see more cold. Like my ex.

Law 3: Everything, even gold and rubies, split back to the original values, and separates back to fire, wind, water and earth. To its foundations. 
So, is it really worth it to invest in gold? Is Mark Levin to be trusted in this case?

Law 4: Then why say by man that "to dust you will return." Because most of what he is made of is dust. Everything returns to its original source. Except for my sunglasses and my left glove. I can't find those. I have nice mitten for my right hand. Keeps it very warm.

Lesson: You will die. And you will become dust. And I have a mitten made of fire.

​Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that.
And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens.
 
(Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother.
“And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish.
Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags.
Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you.
 
(Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have.
Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law.

Laws 9-11: You think you know about the moon. The moon knows about you.

Law 9: Last thing to know about the planets is they are smart. So, planet shaming has to stop.
The spheres and stars have life to them. "They have souls, knowledge and intellect." They know Gd and they praise Him. And then we have to deal with a Chazin leading us in services, who hasn't talked to Gd one day in his life. 
They praise and glorify H' like the angels, according to their size and level. I have no idea exactly what this means, because I am not a planet. And I only made it to intermediate swimmers. The explanation seemingly given (in Peirush) is that they are constantly moving. In a sense, dancing. I’ll say, it is this dancing that allows them to praise H.’ And this is why Chasidim remind me of spheres. Plus, they dance in circles. 
I for one cannot say that the way the members of my shul walk around is actual dancing. What I saw on Simchat Torah was very out of shape people putting their arms on the person in front of them to brace themselves, in order not to fall. I did not see dancing or anything that resembled a prayer to H'. I did see people hoping their out of shape spouse doesn't get hurt.
So the planets are closer to Gd than us, and that should help you feel insignificant. I hope that inspires you. And their knowledge is greater than that of man. Which is why you never hear of a planet sharing a dumb idea in shul. You also don't see any of them on a committee.
To note, Peirush is a great name for a Peirush.

Laws 10-11: Gd created a type of matter that is not physical. When mixed with this matter, fire, wind, water and earth become what they are. Which is fire, wind, water and earth. Which is why I still have no idea what this matter is.
Unlike the spheres, fire, air, water and earth don't have a soul or knowledge, as they have predetermined movements, kind of like my math teacher who never smiled. 
Does this matter? Well yes. The matter does matter. Matter matters very much.
They have their ways, but they don't control them. They're not smart like the planets who are right now figuring out the cure for cancer.
We praise Gd for these forms of matter and what they produce, such as fire, snow and hail, as it is a constant reminder of Gd's might in this world. And they will ruin your home. They may not praise Gd, but they bring praise to Gd, especially on Lag BOmer, when you get a nice campfire and Kumzits singalong going. 
Don't feel bad for fire, air, water and earth. They don't know they don't have souls. Which is why I don't feel bad for that girl I broke up with years ago. Exactly. She has no soul.
They know not what they do. So, they are not chasing you. And this is why they are still fire, air, water and earth. If they had knowledge, they would've put together an insurance scheme.

Lessons: When you're learning laws, they are not always laws.
People who have a soul should take up expressive dance.
Respect the earth and recycle. Do what you can to protect the ozone layer. Move as much as you can, in praise of H,’ but do not use a car. Kills the atmosphere. And this is why religious Jews walk fast and are constantly running to do Mitzvot. It has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car.
I wasted all that time in school, reading those textbooks on geology the teacher gave me, when Saturn is so much smarter than her. And then I wasted time in chemistry. And astronomy. None of those books bring up the soul. Next time I take up science, I am going to stick to the Rambam. Science is spiritual.
Whenever you're down, just know the stars know a lot more than you. And that is science.

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. 
Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue.
Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally.

It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in.

​"Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important.
I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law.
Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy.

(Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams.
This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor.

(Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel.

(Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker.

Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times.
(19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun.
(19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural.
(19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season.
(19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner.
If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen.

And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door.
​
As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much.
Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul.

Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. 
On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel.

And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that.
​And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now.

Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve.

Let Rabbis Run the Army
Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi. Though he gives Halachik rulings, and makes decisions for religious Jews.
They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again.
Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree.

Charedim are Great Soldiers
They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen.
Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers.
They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries.
And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare.
And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF.
I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country.

National Guard
You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy.
National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier.

Guard the Religious Sites
Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came.

A Shalom Peace Corps
So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.”
They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict.
They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom.
The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated.
And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis.

Educate People How to Protest
Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday.
You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize.
Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute.

Let Them Run the Mossad
Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim.
Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those.

Warriors of H' Brigade
A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that.
The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis.
Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible.
Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved.
Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second.

Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help.
Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them.
 
I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter.
Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans.
 
Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. 

This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.

We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul.

Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works...
I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head.

Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people.
The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. 
After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim.
To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’  This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah.
Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah.

It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast.
Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah.
It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day.

Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
 
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition
NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened.
The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting.
The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside."
As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping."
Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner.
NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah.
But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over.

Sukkah Hopping Takes Off
Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms.
Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. 
Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore.

Sukkah Hopping Is Done
Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion."
What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change.
The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love.
And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by.
 
Epilogue
As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient.
Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization.
Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face.
Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now.

Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years.
In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. 
Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping.

Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better.
Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees.

Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY.

To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." 

Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement.

The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." 
The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome.

The First Sukkah Hoppers
It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers.
They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart.
For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition.

Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah
When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better.
It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start.
Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals.
It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food.
Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived.

In Israel They Start to Hop
First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers.
Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets."
Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress.

The Walking Era
People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop.
In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms.
Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie.
Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes.
Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir.
Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah.

Epilogue
The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls.
Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. 

Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth.

The High Holidays are here and it's your time to shine as the Chazin. Known as the cantor, we are going to call you the Chazin. If you don't know what a Chazin is, you don't know what a cantor is.
Before we get started, don't be discouraged. You don’t need a good voice to be a Chazin. That has been proven by who my shul chooses to lead services every week. Nonetheless, a good voice can put you in the one-percenters of Chazins that people like.
No matter your abilities, you want to lead Yom Kippur services and look good. Here are some techniques you must employ.

The One Note Technique
Get all the words into one note. When they wrote the Tefillahs, they didn't have tunes. Hence, it is your job to pick a tune that was not meant for the repetition of the Amidah.
The Levites weren't singing the melodies from the early two-thousands in the Temple. The rabbis didn't have the tune of vZakayni in mind when they wrote Naartizcha 1500 years ago.
You've got to get every word of Kedusha into that note. Though incompatible, it must fit in that semibreve. Not easy, but a seasoned Chazin can do it.
It takes much practice to master this. It's preferable to first work on a twenty second Shofar blast. Once you have that down, you might be able to do Kedusha correctly with the note from vZakayni.

The Long Note Hold
Hold a note for real long. Don't stop. Do not end the word. Keep it going. If you pass out, the congregation will be on their feet, applauding.
This technique should be used at the end of every prayer. Hence, adding to the length of the service itself. That will get you the money. Nobody is paying ten thousand dollars to a Chazin who's finishing the services in three hours. 

The Tune that Doesn't Fit
I reiterate. Very important to never give up on a tune. Especially when the tune doesn't work with the words. 
You pick your tune and commit to it. If you truly want it, vChol Maaminim will work.

The Throat Clear
You clear the throat, they know it's real.
Chuch that. Get out a decent sized phlegm wad. A Chazin has to let the congregants know he's about to start. A huge bit of mucus will have them ready for Kol Nidrei. When they hear that Chuch with the wad, they'll know a real Chazin is about to start.

The Tune Everybody Knows
They will all get into it. Know this in advance. Before making the decision to sing a song they know, understand that you will have to listen to them. They all think they're the Chazin when they know the tune. They will pay six-hundred for the seat, just to drown you out.
They all think they have a good voice. When you're singing in a group, all the badness unifies into one. And thus we have what is known as congregations.
If you're up for a lot of off tune harmonizing, this is the time to pull the song everybody knows.
Second Warning: Only do this if you can handle it. I've seen Chazins give up right in the middle of the Torah ceremony. They started singing, the Cantor turned around and said, "I can't handle this. I have no idea what you are all doing on the left side of the shul. I thought we were supposed to be singing 'Etz Chayim Hi.' I'm out of here. I'm going somewhere where the congregants don't know the songs."

Davening Extension
Extend everything. The longer Davening goes, the holier the prayers are. Everybody knows this. And you get more pay.
The extended Amidah is quite important as well. Do not let the rabbi beat you. Wait till the rabbi finishes, then take your three steps back. The Shema prayer. Go longer. And if the rabbi jump dances, you jump higher.
NayNayNays work great for this. You can extend any prayer with a NayNayNay. You can get an extra couple hours out of Musaf with the employment of the NayNayNay Method.
Note: The congregants will complain about the longer Davening. That is OK. This is what they're bringing you in for. They want something to complain about. 

The Kvetch
Cry as much as you can in your Davening. The people connect to that. They also have to be in shul for fifteen hours on Yom Kippur.
Cry when talking to people. They tell you how their kids are doing, cry and sing "Sunrise Sunset." Your job is to cry. You cry, you have job stability. You're the High Holidays Chazin.
They pay you to cry for them. The congregants feel like they have a place in Olam Haba, the world to come, if their Chazin is crying.

Wear a Huge Gown
They like that. Huge gown and huge top hat. That's how you become famous. As Sadie Sarah Leah said last year, "I'm sure he had a good voice. His clothes were fifteen size too big on him."

The Eye Close
That looks like you're connecting to Gd.
You close your eyes, it's spiritual, especially when you don't do anything. Just space out for a few minutes, and the congregants will understand that their Chazin is connecting to Gd. It also adds to the prayer length. Remember, anything that adds prayer length is good.
Nobody asks questions of whether or not a Chazin is holy when he's sleeping on the job.

Dramatic Pause Technique
Quiet people. Anytime you make people feel like they did something wrong, you have power over them. And Chazin needs power.
You quiet people with silence. Your stop will make everybody uncomfortable, having them question if they truly were the reason for the Al Chets, the "about these sins" prayer. This technique just looks good.
I would suggest a shush every once in a while. You want there to be a shush. Note, it's best if somebody else shushes for you. True leaders have other people doing their shushes.

The Kermit the Frog
You want to sound like the Kermit the Frog if he resonated real well.

You don't need a good voice to be the Chazin. You need techniques. So, practice the above. Get down your Kvetching, songs that don't fit the words, and a huge top hat that doesn't fit, and you will have gigs. 
It's all in the singing. This isn't a dance performance. You don't need to do the arm stretch. You're the Chazin. That takes enough energy. You don't need an arm workout. You're not ensuring the sea remains split. Don't overlook the singing. No matter how bad your voice, you sing it. If you have enough confidence in your inabilities, somebody will love it.
And remember. Don't let the rabbi outdo you. If that means giving a sermon in the middle of your repetition of the silent prayer, then do it. 
That should get you a gig.

Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
 
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself.
Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much.
 
Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job…
It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there.

"If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously.

In last month's lesson we discussed the historical development of the obligation to eat fifteen hours every Shabbat. But how did the rabbis ensure we would not take off weight once Sunday came around.
To note, this an appendix to last month's historical work. This is not a piece about your abdomen. I'm not privy to the history of your intestines.

Modern Problems of the Summer and Diet
The people do things and the rabbis have to create what's known as a Geder. A fence around the Jewish law to ensure the Jewish people remain steadfast in Torah and heavy.
People may put on weight on Shabbat. Even so, Shabbat has its limitations as it's only one day a week.
It happened one summer where Jews were going to the Catskills. Women started what is known as walking groups. With these groups, they did what is known as walks. This is the problem with women not learning Halacha. The Rav of Woodbourne proclaimed, "I agree. Our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. If the women only learned Jewish law, they would not be this slim." Rav Nasan Himelwitz agreed. "The more time spent learning Torah, the less walking they will do." And this is how Modern Orthodoxy started.
And then Malkie came up with this idea of what is known as a diet plan. It was clear Malkie did not get this from Torah. Nowhere in the Bible does Gd mention a diet plan. To this day, rabbis question if Yom Kippur was a mistake.
Jews were taking off weight. Shabbat couldn't compete with this heretical idea of a diet. Arguments were had about this new concept known as health.
People were questioning if thin people were even Jewish. "I don’t think Malkie’s keeping Shabbis," was heard back in the Shtetl. The lack of food was concerning. Pogroms were at a stand still. To quote Vlad, "What happened to all of the food?! What happened to the Jews?! There's nothing to pillage here."
The rabbis declared, "If one does not have diabetes and back pain, we must check their Jewish roots." 
And so they checked. It turned out Malkie was Jewish. Unbeknownst to our sages, even people with Jewish ancestry could slim down if they didn't eat. It was all disheartening.

The Response to Diets
Something had to be done to bring Jews back to their divinely ordained weight. The rabbis realized that people walking during the week was inevitable. So, they focused more on Shabbat. The rabbis declared all shuls have what is known as Kiddish. This is also known as a Shabbat Kiddish luncheon in non-religious communities, as they eat less and are not as good of Jews. The Kiddish luncheon is where you eat lunch before lunch. Not being in the location of lunch, this added an extra hour of Shabbis eating. Done in standing formation for many years, in mid2004 many rabbis instituted the sit down Kiddish to slow down the metabolism. I'm sorry if the chronology is off a little. Give or take eight hundred years. It's somewhere within that time-frame that this all happened.
This was all confusing, as Kiddish is the blessing on wine. Why the rabbis couldn't come up with a different name for Kiddish, other than Kiddish, is still a discussion amongst our sages. Nonetheless, the rabbis found a way to get more hours of eating out of Shabbat. 
They did what they could to fight this summer diet plan and walking. But it was still not enough.

Simchas and Siyums
The weeks still came and the rabbis had no idea what to do. “What can we do once Shabbis is over? How do our people eat during the week?” That was how the question was asked. The question wasn't phrased, "What's the deal with food?" So, they made it a Mitzvah to eat at every happy occasion. Simchas was thus developed. Hy shouted, "It's a Simcha. So, we'll call it a Simcha." And that's how Simchas got their name.
One rabbi fought happiness with a prayer known as Tachnun. And then the rabbis made the Tachnun prayer of supplication real long. This mournful focus, and painful length of the prayer had people depressed and not eating. To quote Shlomo, "Why when Davening is longer, do we have a longer Tachnun? It makes no sense."
In response to the pain, the rabbis declared, "When there is a Simcha, one must not say Tachnun." Following this decree, Jews found a way to celebrate everything. A Bris, a wedding, a kid putting on Tefillin for the first time, the youngest in the family playing Abba Shel Shabbat at Hebrew school. They even celebrated learning. Anybody finishing learning something, they called it a Siyum, which required one to eat cake. The rabbis were not going to let Tachnun and the keto diet corrupt their people.
A Siyum party used to require one learn a Tractate of Gemara. But we needed more celebrations. So, the standard for Siyum was toned down. They said, learning a book of Mishna is enough. One guy learned about The Battle of Gettysburg. He called it a Simcha. They pulled out schnapps and Kichel, and had a Siyum. Celebrated it. Not one rabbi batted an eye.

The Siyum was an old tradition that the rabbis made a point of bringing back to the community by making learning more accessible with English translations. Artscroll was behind this. Back in Spain, in 1459, it got to the point where learning a chapter of Chumash was enough for a Siyum. The rabbis already knew back then, that only through Siyums could Jews get fatter while learning. They had Siyums every morning.
How the cake requirement became a thing is of much historical debate. Yet, all rabbis agree that the one who came up with that has a "place in heaven next to the Heavenly throne."

Fast Days and Mourning Periods
People thought to lose weight during the days leading up to Tisha BAv, by keeping Jews away from meat. But the people found a way around this with festive meals of mourning. Jews even started learning a lot of Torah, just so they could have a Siyum and eat meat. As it is written, "There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than a festive meal dedicated to the destruction of the Temple and not saying Tachnun." One could never outdo the joy of not saying Tachnun.
And then the rabbis declared, "One must enjoy Yahrzeits too." So, every shul required its members to bring schnapps and sponge cake to celebrate death.

Even with the celebratory meals of suffering, fast days were an issue for a few years until our leaders came up with the idea of a break-fast. Where you have to break the fast by eating. Then, the most celebrated rabbi, known as Rebbe, created what we know as The Seudah Mafseket, the meal of stopping, where you gorge before the fast. Using the Hebrew terminology "Seudah" made it a Halachik requirement. As Rebbe said it in Hebrew, no one could argue. It was in Hebrew, and thus held Halachik weight. Hence, canonized. Now, we eat a lot before and after a fast, to put on weight. Our rabbis of great knowledge and Ruach HaKodesh, divine spirit, found a way to ensure we get fat during fasts. 

People Kept Taking Off Weight
The rabbis saw people were still taking off weight. It might have been the summer heat. It might have been the loss of Raisel Chana's choolante recipe. Generations will never know.
The rabbis started telling people about this thing they have, known as a Neshama Yeteira. An extra Shabbat soul. A crafty move, they told people that the extra food on Shabbat goes to their extra soul. The people caught onto this when they realized that souls don't burn calories. Nonetheless, you can't argue with your rabbis, so everybody got fatter. And the Neshama Yeteira now stays all week.
For some reason, the Neshama Yeteira also puts on weight at Simchas and Siyums. I noticed my Neshama Yeteira getting fatter over Tisha BAv.
And when you're not eating on Shabbat, you must do an Oneg and delight in Shabbat by eating more on Shabbat. Which in Meah Shearim, translates as popcorn. And this ensures your Neshama Yeteira will at least add a pound a week. And the extra Shabbat soul has a very slow metabolism. 

Historical Lesson For All Jews
How Yom Kippur made it into the Torah is still a Halachik anomaly. 
How the Siyum is a Simcha, we still don't know. But it allows us to eat more during the Nine Days. And that's what matters.

With more and more people moving to Israel, the rabbis have done all they can to fight the Middle Eastern Diet. Just seeing the word diet has caused an uproar. And it was this Middle Eastern Diet that is the foundation of the Charedi community, and the refusal of the ultra-orthodox to join Tzahal.
And now, with all the necessary walking one needs to get around Jerusalem, our rabbis are trying to find ways to add whatever they can to pita. Thus, packing on more calories. They developed the falafel, forcing people to put their salad in bread. As Yankel said, "It's a start." Recently, they've developed the concept of Chipsim, where fries are made soggy enough to squish into the salad that's in the pita. And Yankel received his Olam Haba, world to come, in one moment.

And the number one way to keep one at the religiously ordained weight is still learning Torah and Halacha. To this day, when people learn Torah, it's always in a sitting position. No tradition has started to learn Torah on the bench press. 

Recently, the rabbis came out against "fat shaming" to help encourage proper Middot and that our people eat more.
And then the rabbis declared Kosher food most have a lot of salt.

Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked.

Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn.
Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day.

The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects.
 
Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah.
Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon.
Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar.

The rabbis made sure that all Mitzvahs guarantee you will get fatter. 

In the beginning our people used to exercise. That was put to a stop real quick. Bereishit didn't start with this, but it would've if it wasn't written by Gd. 
Rivka noticed that Yaakov was getting too much movement. He was in shape. She wasn't sure what the Aveira was, but she knew her son was sinning. Her son was too healthy to be devout. Rivka saw this and said, "You go and learn Torah." And then Esav was out there hunting alone, and he got in real good shape. He was ripped. But you couldn't see his abs, because he was too hairy. They hadn't figured out the ultimate sculpted look back then.
Laws were thus created to not allow men to shave their bodies too much. But that is for a different time.

Our people were commanded to work the land, causing much problem. "If we have to work the land, how do we put on weight," was the question. And then came Shabbis. At least one day a week where the Jewish people would be able to put on weight. And there were Mitzvahs to eat a lot. One loaf of bread wasn't enough. We had to eat two, just to put on weight.

Times of The Beit HaMikdash
People were still losing weight. TV didn't exist yet. Paskesz hadn't come into existence yet. It was hard to create a system where people would get heavy. There was no way to express devoutness. NFL RedZone wasn't an activity in the Temple.
So, they came up with Kishka. Then they had choolante. The rabbis then said, "Put the Kishka in the choolante." They did all they could. How else can we slow down the metabolism? Schnapps. Schnapps works. So, the rabbis of The Great Assembly said, "You have to make Kiddish on wine or alcohol." I am not sure if that is an exact quote. Playing telephone over twenty-five hundred years can change some of the wording. I heard it from my brother-in-law. It's historically correct.
Years later, there was a responsa, "If you can't drink alcohol, it has to be a drink with sugar in it. To thus fulfil the commandment of putting on weight on Shabbat." And this is why Kedem tastes so good on ice. And to say the rabbis didn't have Ruach HaKodesh, the holy spirit.
The rabbis called this "delighting in Shabbat." Known as an Oneg Shabbat, they made it a commandment to enjoy Shabbat. And that could only be done through food. Rabbi Ephraim Ben Herkoman said a smile is a good way to delight. "Maybe people should greet each other and smile to bring joy to Shabbat." He was excommunicated for this dumb idea.
The Jewish people stood no chance. With Shabbat coming every week, one could not Halachikly be in shape. King David declared, "We shall not have an Esav amongst our people." Which is a statement hidden somewhere in Tehillim. I believe the poetic wording King David used for that is, "My eyes look to the mountains."

One rabbi asked, "Can't we delight with a walk?" He was excommunicated and then stoned to death. My brother-in-law reported that to me as well. The rabbis asked, "How do you eat while walking?" And thus, was created what is known as a Shpatzir. A Shabbat afternoon Shpatzir. Where you walk at a pace where you can still put on weight. Generally done with at least one hand behind the back, as arm movement makes walking an exercise.

Modern Times and Summer
By modern times, we are speaking of the last eighteen hundred years.
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The summer heat seamed to work like a sauna. People in New York were taking off weight due to heat. So, the rabbis made it requirement to go to the Catskills for the summer, where there was a breeze. Another issue of modern times, our sages spent many years creating air-conditioning, so people wouldn't sweat in their homes. Thus, cancelling out the effects of the summer months. 
 
Fighting this summer heat, and natural weight loss, the rabbis realized they had to capitalize once again on Shabbat. They said, "You have a long day on Shabbat. All that is permitted is to eat and sleep." The day of Shabbat runs for fifteen hours, with Davening, one must eat for at least ten hours of eating on Saturday. The rabbis realized that one can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. Sleeping was allowed, as the rabbis consulted these people known as dieticians who told them, "If you eat and then do nothing, you will put on weight." And thus the rabbis created this idea known as "a day of rest." All the people went for this. Pinny led the people in a parade celebrating this idea of not having to show up to work. Which then led to all the Jews getting fired in New York.
Once again, even in the summer heat, the rabbis had found a way to help the people fulfil the Mitzvah of putting on weight. What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat. And thus, they made it a requirement to have three meals. Just in case people had thought the Shabbat morning to afternoon meal was over, they created the third Shabbat meal. Known as Seuda Shelishit, the Mitzvah here is to eat more. When asked, Rabbi Akiva said, "Eat more. That is a Mitzvah."
For many years, in the Gulag, Jews had a hard time keeping heavy. During those years, the rabbis discovered potatoes. And thus, potatoes made it into choolante.

The rabbis saw people in bathing suits and again asked, "How can we add to the Mitzvah of putting on weight on Shabbat during the summer months, when people might exercise by accident?" Hence, the rabbis came up with this idea of early Shabbat, where you bring in Shabbat early so you can start eating two hours earlier. Giving you a chance to eat for six hours on Friday night. 
And then they added the late night Oneg. Where after you eat for six hours, you delight by eating more.

Jews were putting on weight. But they could do more.
Shabbat was over. "What do we do Saturday night? There is no meal," asked Yanky, who lived during the Gaonic period. Rabbi Goldstein, another rabbi from the Gaonic period, responded, "After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating?! No. Exactly. As Rabbi Akiva taught us, 'Eat more.'" And thus, Rabbi Goldstein created the Melava Malka, where you escort the Shabbat Queen, who you escorted Friday night, by eating more on Saturday night too.
To this day we practice the Mitzvah of Melava Malka, just in case you didn’t eat enough on Shabbat. This is where you go to a pizza shop on Saturday night to fulfil the Mitzvah of eating more.

Historical Lesson for All Jews
And we thus have eight Shabbat meals. These include pre-Shabbat Gribbenes where you eat chicken fat to put on weight before Shabbat in preparation of putting on weight on Shabbat, first Shabbat meal, Oneg Shabbat, Shabbat Kiddish, Shabbat lunch which includes breakfast and dinner, Shabbat snack, Seudah Shelishit which is another meal that starts right after lunch, Melava Malka to button up Shabbat by putting on more weight.
How Shabbat snack worked its way in there is another miracle that came at the time of the Manna. 

You're going to get fatter. You have no chance against Shabbat and the rabbis. And then it's a requirement to have kids, to not allow you to get healthy sleep on the day of rest.

That is enough for today's lesson. Next time we shall discuss modern day issues of diets and how the rabbis created new laws to fight this pandemic. We shall also discuss the meal of Kiddish which is named after Kiddish, which makes it confusing.

The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. 

This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long.
The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. 
He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot."
He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act.

The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out."
For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out.
Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages.
Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here?

The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a
After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava.
So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. 
On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut.
Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again.

Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?!
Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break.
The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder.
Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking."

They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. 
Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade.
 
The Conclusion- Gittin 57a
The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. 
Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing.
Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen.

Lessons of What Followed
Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party.

The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut.

Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host.
Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name."
You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it.
It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. 

People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.”

Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice.

Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago."

***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

This all happened in Rochester, New York, second half of the second millennium. Rochester is where people go for excitement, or because they immigrated to the United States and had a cousin in Upstate. Or because they thought Kodak would last more than twenty years.

These kids were growing up in Rochester in the 1920s. Kids grow up in Rochester. People get bigger in Rochester too. Their father, Rav Simcha Tillim, wanted them to learn from Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, a Tzadik. So, he walked his kids an hour each way every day to learn at the Tzadik's Cheder. Why Rav Tillim decided to buy a place as far away from Rav Bergman as possible is another story. It only took a half hour to get from one side of Rochester to the other. Yet, Rav Tillim understood Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. He wanted to instill that pain in his children. Which is known as Chinuch and why we make kids go to school.
Rav Tillim, himself loved exercise, and it turned out he wasn't getting his steps. Back in those days you tracked your steps by shouting out numbers. The conversations with his children on their way to Cheder, Jewish school, made it all the way up to twenty thousand.
Rav Bergman was a rav and a Tzadik, and we know this, because he had an Eastern European accent.
After a day of this exercise and getting in his steps, the father decided the kids should walk by themselves. He already got in the twenty thousand steps. That was enough. He also realized that he already knew the Aleph Bet. To quote, "Lama Ani Holech LCheder. Ani Kvar Yode'ah HaAleph Bet vAni Tzarich LShalem LaZeh. FuFuFuFu."

The Tillim kids came home crying that first day after walking by themselves, as people were pulling their Payis. "Pulling my Payis" is not a Jewish euphemism for joking around with you. I have never heard a Frum Jew say, "Stop pulling my Payis," to somebody who is not a Nazi. I am not saying Jew haters don't have a good sense of humor. I wouldn't want to offend them.
Dad wasn't around, and the children learned real quickly that antisemitism exists when you're not with your parents. As anti-Semites truly hate children. They didn't complain about the two hour walk. And this has me wondering why they didn't take a bus.
As a child in the early 1900s you got beat up every day on your way to Cheder. Why did they beat them up? Because they were Jewish. It was American tradition back in the early 1900s. You see a Jew anywhere outside of the Lower East Side, you beat them up. It was a fun activity. Something to do. Movies weren’t that good back then. Bad graphics. It was a Jewish educational tool as well. You get beat up on the way to school to prepare you for the rest of your life, where people will be trying to kill you. 
These kids were getting beat up two hours a day. Cheder was three hours. Thus, we now have five hours a day of Jewish education.
Why they kept going to Cheder? I don't know. Was there a different route? Yes. But that route would've taken an extra three minutes. 

They told their rebbe, Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, about the anti-Semites. To which Rav Bergman insisted they invite them to Cheder, so the kids would listen. Yard sticks and rulers weren't working in those days. After getting whacked by those a good hundred times, it doesn't bother you anymore. And many educators were sick of pulling out the spiked ball chain flail to help kids learn language. An anti-Semite standing in Shiur, the kids would listen and learn some Torah.
Their rebbe told them, “Come to Cheder and you will be protected every day.” It might have been the dad, Simcha Tillim, who said it, trying to get the kids out of the house so he could enjoy himself and the ice cream he brought home. I believe he purchased vanilla ice cream that day, and it was going to melt in twenty minutes. Back then, you had to eat ice cream real fast. Most families didn't have freezers. You picked up the ice cream from the grocery and you had eight minutes to eat it. So, you had to run home with spoon in hand and kick the kids out before it melted. Otherwise, you would have to share with them. And this is why parents also hate kids. In the early 1800s, before they developed freezers, you had to go all the way to Iceland to get ice cream, hoping a glacier didn't fall on you while you were putting on the sprinkles. That was the development of industry in Iceland. A global hankering for ice cream.
Anyhow. The children walked to Cheder and a dog escorted them every day. Never again were they attacked. I might have got that story wrong. But there was antisemitism. They didn’t even call it antisemitism back then. They called it interfaith dialogue. The Christians would say, “We hate you. You caused the black plague.” And then, to continue the conversation, they would physically assault you. That was only if the government didn't sanction them killing us.

For a year and a half, the dog would walk the kids to Cheder and then back. The dog would wait at the Cheder till it was over and then walk them home. The dog became proficient in Hebrew. It began saying, "Hav Hav." Rav Bergman was an amazing teacher and a Tzadik. At a year and a half the dog stopped escorting them. They finally gave the dog a treat.
For a year and a half, the dog was wondering why they hadn't given him anything yet. When he finally got the biscuit, he said, "I got what I came for. I can go now." Which was translated as "Hav Hav." Or maybe the kids just found a different route.

How the Cheder Started
Rav Bergman was fired. That's usually how Cheders start. He was teaching at a Hebrew day school and he taught kids that you have to listen to your parents, unless if they tell you to not keep Shabbis. Big mistake. Never tell Jewish kids in Jewish day school about Mitzvahs, especially when you're teaching Mitzvahs. When you're teaching the Ten Commandments, The Aseret HaDibrot, you're supposed to teach how to drive on Shabbat with your parents. Any rebbe that wants to keep his job in a Jewish day school knows that.
The principal heard this, closed the Chumash and fired him. I believe the quote was, "You don't teach Torah when you're teaching Torah." The principal understood how to run a Torah institution the right way. The way the Rochester community likes it.
That principal's hands were paralyzed for the rest of his life. So, we know it wasn't the principal that was pulling the Payis.

Lessons of What Followed
Nobody messed with Rabbi Bergman again. A Tzadik and a miracle worker, he had many jobs and nobody fired him.
It was years before anybody closed a Chumash again. People in Rochester would walk around with open books, in fear that they would die or get hiccups if they closed it.
The Smith brothers of Rochester later got a reputation for being guys you don't mess with. But they never closed a Chumash.

Jews started taking up boxing just to get hit in the face, as part of their Chinuch.

Rav Bergman was not seen as a Tzadik by the board of the Jewish day school, because the board of the Jewish day school was made up of a bunch of heretics. And it has thus been tradition in Rochester ever since to fire good rabbis who teach Torah. I'm sorry. I was fired for teaching Torah at a Jewish day school in Rochester, and I'm not even a Tzadik. I had to get it out somewhere. They should've kept me. I am extremely not devout.

The kids found a shorter route. Turns out Rav Bergman lived a block away. Their father just never showed his kids the shorter way.  To quote the father, "The most important part of honoring your parents is staying away from them." 
The kids stopped getting reward for suffering extreme pain. They had to find another way to get to Olam Haba, so they started pinching each other.

Why the anti-Semites were scared of a Maltese Poodle, I do not know.
Nobody knows the dog's name. They say it was a Gilgul, a reincarnation of somebody who wanted to educate children. Probably a Gadol HaDor, the greatest rabbi of their generation, a couple hundred years back, who got fired for teaching Torah to kids in Rochester. 

People come from all over to Daven at Rabbi Bergman's Kever, and they visit Rav Tillim as well. To this day, nobody in Rochester appreciates him. And now kids in Rochester take buses to the Jewish day school and learn arithmetic.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Nechama Burgeman's (September 21, 2010) notes in https://kevarim.com/rabbi-meir-yechiel-bergman/ for something that might be more correct.