Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel.

Never Purchase Falafel
Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me.

Stick to Pita
I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel.

Do Not Ask for Falafel
They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns.
If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out.
And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita.

Purchase Half a Pita
If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day.
Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well.  You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it.
The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick.

Stand By the Salads- The Salatim
First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money.
Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability.

Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living.
Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America.

It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?

Put Bread Around the House
Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find.
If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni.
Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous.

Watch The Ten Commandments
The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush.
After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more.

Kasher Everything
You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood).
After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover.

Yell at the Kids
Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing.

Cover Everything
You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids.  Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes.
You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish.
During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned.

Don't Sleep
There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic.

Burn Eggs and Chicken
Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it.

Did you Purchase Everything?
You're not worrying enough.
Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week.
Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people  that enjoy coconut pastries.

Go Back To The Supermarket
You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket.
Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room.

Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise.
And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared.

Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids.

Don't come to the Beit HaMikdash on Chagim without a Karaban. You must show up with to the Temple with a sacrifice.
When you travel to your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, do you bring a gift? Exactly. And now you bring nothing to Gd?! Shame.
Bring a gift.

If we learned anything, be a decent guest. You're visiting Gd's house. Don't show up empty handed. Nowadays, people bring letters to the Kotel. That's not a gift. There's no Mitzvah for that. No host needs a postcard from a friend who's looking to get married, but can't go out of their way to visit.
Hosts want food. You show up to dinner with a dish. You show up with a note that says 'please forgive us for not bringing anything,' you're not getting invited back. Well, that's what you're doing at the Kotel. You're bringing a note that says something went wrong and you're sorry.
Nobody likes people who show up without a gift. You show up to the Temple with no meat, and then to top it all off, you don't have the first fruits basket. You're a Temple taker, and the Kohens are all starving and acting real smug.
I am not suggesting to have a barbecue at the Kotel. It's not the Temple.

Bringing nothing is a huge letdown to the hosts. I've been witness. 'Mark is here... Oh shoot. He brought nothing. He's just a letdown... I thought he makes a nice stew too... Nope. Nothing. Not even a gazpacho... I think he knows we invited him. He's here. We won't have him again. Come in Mark. Take off your shoes. Only people that bring a gift can leave their shoes on... I know we invited him, honey... Didn't he at least bring wine?! Nope. Nothing. Just here to eat. To live off the fat of the land. No appreciation... Wine and stew shows appreciation, Mark. We're having Matzah for dinner now.'

A sacrifice is a lot of meat. The problem is most people show up with dessert. There is no commandment to bring a babka. Anybody can afford that. It would be much better if people showed up with a nice roast. If you're eating at our home, bring a roast and you will have an excellent dinner.
Why people host that can't cook is a different story. And don't show up to my house with a broccoli lokshen kugel. A broccoli quiche is OK. If it's in lokshen form, it should be spinach. Spinach lokshen kugel is excellently tasty. I don't believe that is a commandment in the Torah, but it should be. It would make us happier. Spinach lokshen kugel and a roast. If you're eating at our home, we'll provide dessert. You provide the spinach lokshen, roast and wine.

If we've learned anything from this Mitzvah, never depend on the hosts to feed you.

Growing up in a Jewish community, and now being the rabbi of a community, I have studied the art of how the Jewish joke is told, while being forced to listen to them. And we all know, it's about the delivery. So, here is how you deliver a Jewish joke with style.

Must Have a European Accent
That means talking like a New Yorker.
To deliver a Jewish joke correctly, talk like somebody who immigrated from Europe a hundred years ago, or a New Yorker. It's all the same. They both sound foreign to anybody in the Midwest.
When delivering as a New Yorker always pronounce an 'a' when pronouncing an 'r'. The caveat, that is unless the 'r' is in the beginning of a word. And anytime you have an 'i', stress the letter and add an 'u' to it. Also add 'oy' to words with a 'y', so that you can complain more while talking. And then add vowels wherever possible. Any joke delivered in this way is now Jewish. 'Whoy did the chicken crawss the road? To get to the otha suiide.' Now, it's a Jewish joke.

Start Each Joke With 'You Know the One About...'
This lets them know that you're not talking about yourself, and you're not the one who moved to the Lower East Side in the 1930s to see Ms. Nafkowitz.
You can also use, 'Have you heard the one about...' 'About' must be in there. The 'I saw' or 'This guy I know' joke methods are not Jewish. 'About' must be there.
The 'you know the one about' method also give the other person the chance to say, 'I know that joke,' so that you can continue to tell the joke yourself.

Grab the Person
Make sure to grab your friend's arm. You start with a touch and then you grab. If you don't grab their arm, they may not stay for the whole joke. I learned this method by watching Mervin at Kiddish. He was the only one who could get people to hear him finish his jokes. Other people who did not use the grabbing technique lost their subjects mid-joke.
You want to cup their elbow. You don't want them to be able to escape. Pull them into you if possible. Squeezing tight helps if there is a long setup. The tighter you squeeze, the easier it is to hold their attention. Literally. You want to think of the arm touch and grab as holding their attention till you get to the punchline.
Now people stay away from Mervin, in fear that they will suffer physical harm from his humor. Nonetheless, violence can help with delivery.

Laugh at The Joke Yourself
You can't depend on anybody else to laugh at your joke. All joke delivery should end with you laughing. This way people can see you enjoying it. Somebody should enjoy your jokes about mother-in-laws.
Note: Mother-in-law jokes should not be told in front of mother-in-laws. That can make for an awkward conversation at Kiddish.

Stare at the Person Until They Laugh
After the joke stare. Fix your eyes on them. It will trigger a response. Hopefully they realize you just told them a joke and are expecting a laugh.

Every Statement Should Be in Question Form
Your joke should start with a question and end with a question. This way, the listener will not know if you're done.
'Why do Jews answer questions with questions?' 'Why shouldn't we?' That tone of 'why shouldn't we?' is how you must end every joke. Every punchline should sound like that, with a New York accent. Hence, making it a Jewish joke.
Shrug your shoulders while supinating your hands for correct delivery posture. A bit of a forward head tilt, with widened eyes and closed lips, helps with the question form pose. While supinating your hand, do not loosen your grip on their elbow. Even if it hurts the delivery, you don't want to take a chance with them walking towards a conversation they want to have.

To help the audience, add a 'nu' at the end of the joke. That works like a George Burns cigar, ending the joke for them. Allowing them to know they're supposed to laugh. If you don't add a 'nu' they won't know to laugh. Never depend on the material or your stare. You must have a 'nu' or squeeze their arm tighter.

That's how a Jew tells a joke. That's tradition. And if you can, corner the subject, so they can't slip out of the joke hold and get away in the middle of the joke.

Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah.
The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot.
Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets.

Give Lemon Wafers
Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach.
If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot.
 
Stuff Still in Your Pantry
Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration.
Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that.
 
Make Hamentashen
People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want.
 
Give Candies
Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth.
Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops.

Take Out The Good Stuff
If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching.
This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy.
And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums.

Put in Stuff You Don’t Want
I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them.
Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot.

The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot.

Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen.
For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child.
For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen.

The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’
It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war.
After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together.
After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the frontlines.
Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war.
Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there.

How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him.

The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do.

It's a  Mitzvah to permanently place a Mezuzah. As it says (Devarim 6:9, 11:20), ‘And you shall write on the doorposts of the house.’
This Mitzvah caused much anger amongst the parents pf the Jewish people. Their kids learn this Mitzvah at school, and they come home and destroy the house. They hear to write on the doorposts and they can't wait to get home.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents reprimanding their children, 'You’re killing the door. What are you doing?!... Go to your room and don't write on it.' To which the educated child responds, 'The Torah says…' And then the kid is taken out of Jewish day school and sent to public school. It happens time and time again.

At first they thought their kids were using erasable whiteboard markers. Who would command anybody to ruin a beautiful doorway?! When they found out the kids  were using Sharpies, all Gehenim broke loose. Parents were outraged. 'How can H' give such a commandment?! It's enough that we measure the kid's height on the doorpost once a year.' It turns out that measuring a child's height is not a Mitzvah in the Torah. Even so, many doors have marked growth of children.
Once a child reaches Mezuzah height, tradition is to stop marking the doorpost.

This misunderstanding of the Mitzvah by elementary school kids and art teachers is why the Mezuzah box was created. A box to hold the words of the Torah that are permanently affixed to the door. This way the kids can do their art on that and don't kill the doorposts. So many ancient homes in the Ottoman Empire were destroyed by Jewish children and their graffiti.
To this day mothers have to yell at their kids, 'No. Don't write on the wall. Here. Decorate the box...' Sometimes they even give them a little slab of wood to draw on, so that the kids can be creative on a future Chanukiah. Since the Mezuzah fiascos of permanent poor outwork on lintels, we have developed many festival art opportunities for holidays. They create Sukkot decorations, Purim masks, Pesach Seder plates. Now kids force us to hang their artwork, as commanded by the Torah, destroying the Sukkah.
Next time, we will talk about how people have misunderstood the Mitzvah of Hiddur, beautifying the Sukkah with the artwork of third graders. We will also discuss ways in which to throw out the pathetic art the kids bring home from school.

Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'

Diaspora Happened
Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land.
Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement.

What's A Date
Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town.
Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then.

It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way."
As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell).

Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts.

Apricots Become Popular in Europe
Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat.

In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive.
Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying).

Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.'
But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees.
And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts.
They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2.

The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous.

There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.'

Other Notes on the Holiday
Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew.
Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel.

Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach.

Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat.

It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form.

Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

Many have asked me, as their rabbi, if it's a Mitzvah to celebrate New Year's Eve. Many do not know this, but New Year's Eve is not one of the New Years brought in the Torah. Gd did not command us to get drunk and wear a Santa hat. Hence, it's not a Mitzvah. Even so, New Year's is a Jewish day, and that is why we start New Year's at night. Let us now delve into some of the traditions of Rosh Hashana and New Year's Eve and how they differ.

New Year's: People go out and drink a lot of alcohol.
Rosh Hashana: We stay in and drink a lot of Manischewitz.
There is no Mitzvah of Kiddish on New Year's. Thus, you can drink any kind of alcohol you would like. The only issue is that most bars do not stock up on Manischewitz for New Year's.

New Year’s: Watch the apple drop in New York City.
Rosh Hashana: Do I even have to say?! You get it.

New Year's: Celebrate with party.
Rosh Hashana: Celebrate with brisket.
You can also celebrate Rosh Hashana with Davening. However, it's hard to eat brisket while praying.

New Year’s: They have sales.
Rosh Hashana: Nothing is on sale. Even apples are marked up. The grocers know.

New Year's: Kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight. That's the only true tradition of New Year's Eve.
Rosh Hashana: If you kiss somebody you're going to hell, and you'll feel bad about it, and that makes you happy.
 
New Year’s: Make New Year’s resolutions to not eat.
Rosh Hashana: Eat as much as you can, because it is spiritual.
After eight and a half pounds of brisket on Rosh Hashana, you make a resolution to not eat.
Rosh Hashana and New Year's: After the resolution, you eat. It's tradition.
 
New Year’s: Make a resolution to never eat chocolate.
Rosh Hashana: Eat chocolate, because you ate it every day since January second.
 
New Year’s: No praying.
Rosh Hashana: We pray and we listen to the shofar.
The day after New Year’s, everybody is praying that they’ll feel better. And everything they hear sounds like a shofar being blown real loud, right in their face.
 
New Year’s: See famous people on TV.
Rosh Hashana: Finally see some famous people showing up to shul.

New Year's: People celebrate around the world with fireworks.
Rosh Hashana: If you see anything that looks or sounds like fireworks, that's probably an anti-Semite.

Rosh Hashana: Ask people and Gd for forgiveness, known as Teshuva.
New Year’s: Do as many things wrong that you can, so you have what to do on Rosh Hashana.
 
Rosh Hashana: Prepare for holiday by calling family and friends.
New Year’s: Forget to call family and friends. Drank too much.

Rosh Hashana: Everybody watches the guy blowing the shofar.
New Year's: Everybody watches the guy puking.
We've learned that there's a tradition a lot of people have to drink on New Year's Eve. If New Year's Eve doesn't fall out on Purim, you shouldn't drink.

Rosh Hashana: The whole family is around.
New Year's: You would feel too guilty to enjoy yourself if family was around.

All this said, you can still do Mitzvahs on New Year's Eve. And if you're not inebriated, you might end up eating brisket on New Year's. That's a Mitzvah.
New Year's and New Year are very different. You should all be blessed with a good New Year in September.

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.

​Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them.
 
Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher?
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for.
 
When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand?
Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?'
The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too.
 
Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral?
I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were.
 
Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe?
These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways.
 
Is My Kitchen Kosher?
After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean.
 
Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos?
That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant.
 
How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On?
I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown.
 
I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs.

More food was needed. After the three multiple course meals the community realized there was more room for eating. It was only 9pm, and nobody truly had to go to sleep. There was more time to eat. That's when they added the Oneg. Kiddish was added when they realized breakfast was missing.

Onegs
In 1989 the Friday night Oneg was created at a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a Shabbat retreat where you eat for twenty-five hours with other people.
Oneg, meaning delight, means you should eat more. After much study in the Beit Midrash, we learned that the eight course, fifteen dish main course, first of three meals on Shabbat, with soup nuts, doesn't bring enough delight to one, unless if there is a meal right after that meal and whipped cream. That extra meal is the Oneg. After you eat as much as you can, to bring more happiness, you eat more than that. For your soul.
At the Shabbaton, Benjamin said, 'I'm still hungry.' The rabbi said, 'That's forbidden.' And the Shabbat Oneg was created. Hence, it's a Mitzvah to eat again, right away. Right after Shabbat dinner and dessert, it's required to eat a pot of choolante. And then there are another two meals. And they added Kiddish. For Oneg.
The Gemara only spoke of three meals. But as we evolved as good Jews, our stomachs were able to handle more. So, we added the Oneg to focus on the foods put out by the local bakery and Osem, who makes nicely packaged cakes. If you're lucky, you'll show up to the Oneg and there'll be a Green's babka. 
Some people date the Oneg back to the rebbe's Tish. However, Tishes don't have the financial backing to portion out that much food.

Kiddish
There is also Shabbat morning. The rabbis of the Talmud said nothing about eating before you need to. Hence, nothing was said about Kiddish, other than a Bracha over wine at the meals. Kiddish, food on Shabbat morning, was added as the final requirement.
Kiddish is the other Oneg that's not called an Oneg. Added in 1991, it's the fifth Shabbat meal. Added two years after the Oneg. It took two years to realize that there was room for a second Kiddish, between finishing Musaf prayers at 11:45am and eating lunch at 12:30pm. For millennia, forty-five minutes was waisted every Shabbat when people could've been eating. The Mitzvahs we overlook.
Kiddish was moving well, and then somebody found out about yapchik in 2018. So, we had to add that to every Kiddish. Kiddish now had choolante, kichel, potato kugel, luchian kugel, Yerushalmi kugel, whatever other kugels people heard about, quiches which are kugels if you're Frum, schnapps, herring, kishka which could also be considered a kugel, Green's babka, other leftover Oneg pastry, yapchik- which is a kugel, and gefilte fish balls. Gefilte fish balls are manufactured solely for Kiddish. That's the full business of gefilte fish balls. Kiddish.

How Do You Eat at an Oneg and Kiddish
Good question. Double portions are paramount. You need to satisfy the extra Shabbat soul and the double portions of Manna. After the math, to follow the Torah correctly, you have to take fourths. No matter how much you eat, you should still be eating more.
There was the fruit salad scare of the late 20th century. Fruit salads became a thing in 1996, but that was nixed by the religious community. So we still have dessert. B"H.
At the Kiddish or oneg you should complain that there is not enough food. Even if there's a lot of food, complaining is important. It adds to the atmosphere. Any Kiddish you go to, you should be saying 'There's never enough to eat here.' The sponsors should know.
Rabbis have convened to discuss Kiddishes with little food (a busha, embarrassment to the Jewish people, in its own right) and it's been decided that if there's not enough for double portions for everybody, somebody does not know how to cook as a Jew and they're going to Gehenim. And they're required to purchase a Hadassah and Bais Yaakov cookbook.
Machmir people who care about Torah, ensure that all Kiddishes have enough for fourthsies. 

There is Room For More
We've come a long way since the early '90s. We now have five meals. Yet, no meals have been added since Kiddish and Oneg. And that makes me question if we're eating enough as modern day Jews. Are we developing?
People have started with an afternoon snack. The afternoon snack is going to make its way. It will start with Yom Tov, as on the holidays we don't have Seuda Shelishit (the original third Shabbat meal- now the fifth).
Since there is no Seuda Shelishit on the holidays, the afternoon snack will take on full meal status on Yom Tov first. And then it will make its way into Shabbat. The foods will be the same. There won't be tuna or egg salad, as those are rabbinic requirements to eat at Seuda Shelishit, correctly known as Shalishusidis (not sure what that means, but it's the correct way to say it). 
Hence, I propose we start the sixth Shabbat meal now. I propose we call it Nishnishit. An amalgamation of Seudah Shelishit, Kiddish and snack. I understand the brilliance. 
I'm sorry for foretelling in my historical work, however our people is going to fall in holiness if we don't add Nishnishit immediately.

Predating yapchik, in 2007 the Salatim course became a Biblical requirement as well. We will go more into depth into the Salatim course next time.

Jews were in the Midbar, the desert, complaining about food. So, Gd gave them Manna every day, and they still complained. On Friday, they had to take two of the Manna loaves, so they would have enough for Shabbat. They complained. And to this day, people complain about preparing for Shabbat. 
We also had to collect double portions when there was a holiday. So, now Jews prepare huge feasts every holiday. Four of them within a forty hour span. And three enormous feasts every Shabbat. And you have to eat them all. And if you don't eat them, you're not a good Jew.
Here is the extensive history:

How It Began
We were told to collect double portions. And you wonder why our ancestors were complaining all the time. Two Challahs?! That won't fill anybody up. Ever had one of those little rolls? Imagine getting stuck with a bulkie.
Worried we would get stuck with bulkie rolls, we started having huge meals. 

Meals Became Huger
In late 204 CE, to be exact, the rabbis tried to figure out what two loaves meant. That got translated as two four course meals every day of every holiday and three on Shabbat. Plus dessert.
In 1377 Shmuli asked, 'What about dessert?' And it became a requirement to add babka.

Exile Didn't Stop Us - It Only Added More Food
Wandering, Jews were worried how they will make these four course meal loaves. And they found a way to make huger meals, creating Hashgacha organizations for Kashrut. Allowing factories to cook for us, in vats that hold a hundred thousand gallons.
Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day holiday of exile, became a staple in the Jewish community. So, we had to eat more. If Gd would've had in mind Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, He would've made us take three loaves of Manna. So the people decided they needed to double the amount they ate at every meal; making for two eight course meals, every meal of the holidays. As Shabbat is even greater than the holidays, Shabbat had to have three eight course meals. They needed thirty Challahs for that. And soup.
In the early 1500s soup nuts became a rabbinical requirement. The rabbis were worried that there were not enough carbs. It took years, and the founding of modern day Israel, to finally bring the crunch to the soup that the rabbis announced was missing from Shabbat joy.

Recipes Add To Weight
In the 1600s, they figured out how to make Kugel, which is anything not dessert in baked form. Truly, a Kugel is anything served in a tin that is not chicken. And we started making bigger meals. You had to have double portions of Kugel. Otherwise, you offend the Ba'alat Bayit. ​It was then that they also learned how to make brisket as well. This all doubled the amount of each course, again, doubling the main course.  
The Kugel redefined Shabbat meals, and made us fatter as a people. We have to delight in Shabbat, and Kugels brought delight. Kugels, choolante, kishka, tzimis, fish, matzah balls, desserts, chicken, salatim. It all developed at around the same time.
It was then that two Challahs turned into fifteen dishes for the main course. And you couldn't have a main course without soup. You also needed fish, so that you could use the extra smaller plate. An aside: The smaller plate became a symbol of what the Jew will not eat. We use it for a beginner course, and then we remove it from the table to show that only sinners eat such small portions.
In the twentieth century Hadassah was created to ensure that all Jews know how to make large portions.

Different Traditions Of the Ages
The food became too much to bring to the table, so the French started what is known as the buffet. They are very weak and can't carry forty pound briskets to the table.
In other countries Jews were worried. The pale of settlement came and the Jews didn't know where their next meal was coming from. So it was a new command to eat as much as you can twice, at each meal, to fulfil Lechem Mishneh.
And then we saw that there was no Challah.

An Extra Shabbat Soul
And then the rabbis started pushing the teaching of a Nishama Yeteira, an extra Shabbat soul. So, at each meal, you had to eat two four course meals with extra Challahs, soup, kishka, Kugels and soup nuts, at every meal, and extra dessert. I don't know the full mathematics. All I know is that this is where they coined the phrase, 'I'm going for doubles.' 'Seconds' was already used in the year 1,043 BCE.
How we have two Challahs still on Saturday? I don't know. So we now collect thirty-two Challahs for Shabbis. And we eat more, as we're worried we didn't fulfill the two loaves.
And then they added whip cream to dessert. Otherwise, the extra soul is still hungry.

Being a Good Jew
Then the rabbis made a decree that you have to be heavy. Otherwise it's Maaras Ayin that you're not eating enough on the holidays (Chagim). Communities started excommunicating members who were under 200lbs. If you were over eighteen and under 200lbs, you were banned. 
In some communities it became tradition to start diets after every Chag. The head of the table would say, 'The diet starts after the Chag.' Those communities became known as modern orthodox.

Next time we will go through the history of the Oneg Shabbat and other modern-day additions to the Shabbat meal, such as Salatim, adding a double sixth course to every Shabbat and Yom Tov meal.

People think that Jews aren’t handy. Not true. When it comes to the holiday of Sukkot, we pull out that architectural paper and get to work. The people who built the pyramids come to life by showing they can still build, with structures that last eight days.
Here are the four traditional Sukkahs you can build this Sukkot.

Cloth Sukkah
The Cloth Sukkah is traditional Jewish building at its peak.
For construction, you take the pre-tailored cloth and slip the metal pole through the folded over hole that runs through the cloth. This is not a simple one-person job, as the metal pole can easily get stuck in the middle of the cloth. Hence, most traditional architects suggest the builders stick to brick and cement when laying the foundations of a building. They have seen the hazards of cloth building. 
It might sound easy to stick a pole through cloth, but it takes a good half hour to finish this structure. Which is why so many young Jewish children opt out of the building business.
There is no greater feeling of accomplishment as a builder then when you take the hard side of the Velcro and attach it to the soft side of the Velcro. At that point, you know the building is complete. At that point, it's time to crack open that beer. That home is finished. Job well done. You can dwell in that and not get bit by mosquitos.
Great part of this Sukkah is the mesh work on the cloth window slats. This allows for a view of the wall you set up your Sukkah against.
 
Canvas Sukkah
A step up from the Cloth Sukkah in its ability to make noise in the wind.
You do not push the metal slats through the canvas here. For this Sukkah, we use the metal ring construction technique. Making it more complicated, you have to build with string and double knots. You also have to find decent plumbing, as your pipes must be strong. This Sukkah is best built in stormier areas. If you live near tall buildings, this may be a better choice than the Cloth Sukkah. However, make sure you practice tying knots before attempting construction. Anybody with untied shoelaces will not be of help here.
The best part about this Sukkah is that after the holiday, you can use your walls to transfer the leaves from your backyard to the curb.
 
Wood Plank Sukkah
The Wood Plank Sukkah walls are not for the novelist. Even so, it makes for great family memories. If you want the full holiday experience of family hostility, this is the Sukkah for you.
As memories are based in complication, the Wood Plank Sukkah made for my childhood memories, with yells of ‘Where is the B plank.’ My father never marked the planks, and I never knew what the B plank meant. It might have been the A or D plank that my dad was looking for. As I learned later on, it was not about the plank, but rather a chance to shout at me.
Make for family memories and add a level of complication to your holidays. Other ways to make for family memories of holiday antipathy is to live in a building and to have your Sukkah in the building’s courtyard. The 100 meter walk and four flights of stairs to the Sukkah, while carrying soup, will definitely have mom and dad yelling at the children.
 
Home Sukkah
You get rid of the ceiling and you're good to go.
Roofing problems? Hole in the roof? This is your year for a Sukkah. Some people don’t like racoons in their home. Those weak people call the roofer. You put up that Sukkah covering (schach) and you have the most beautiful Sukkot holiday you ever had. You just have to see the wooden lining.
I don't suggest you carve out your living room ceiling for Sukkot. It would be the religious thing to do. However, it will bring up the heating bill this winter.
 
I don't know if they had the Canvas Sukkah in the desert. Though, it would've made sense.
Now it's time to make for some family memories and build with your children, and yell at them. No matter what kind of Sukkah you build, remember that the Sukkah is a place to show our belief that G-d protects us from everything but flies. 

We will bring you more options for Sukkah building next time. Including the Sukkahs with wheels, Clunker Sukkahs, bouncy houses and more modern day Sukkahs like the Lego Sukkah that takes many years of commitment to build.

The Rambam teaches that to do Teshuva (repentance) correctly, you must confess (Viduy) and say 'I will never do it again.' We learn from here that the most important part of repentance is to lie.

Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 1:1 To do proper Teshuva, you must do Viduy which consists of ‘Please H’, I have sinned by accident, I have sinned purposefully, I have sinned in defiance, before You. And I did such and such. And I regret and am embarrassed by my deeds. And I will never return to this again.’
Hence lying is the essence of Teshuva. You have to lie to God with sincerity. ‘H’. I feel so bad for having a good time. I will never do it again… Or at least until after Sukkot, when You stop judging us.’

This guy seems to have done every sin imaginable. The real question is, what is 'such and such'?
'Such and such' is a long list. It usually starts with eating chocolate. Chocolate seems to be the biggest sin people are worried about. That's why you hear about vows of not eating chocolate again when it comes to New Years. 
Other such and suches are 'I had the best burger of my life at Wendy's.' 'I watched too many series and didn't learn enough Torah.' 'People needed me and I enjoyed myself instead.'
I've got to be honest. If somebody every tells me they did such and such, our relationship is over. Nobody does such and such to me and gets away with it. It's rude.

Have you ever heard anybody regret something and not do it again? No. People always eat chocolate again. 
The statement my congregants should make is, ‘It will never happen again till Sukkot, when I forget about it.’ Or 'I would've never said that if I wasn't worried that I would be written in the book of death.' Or 'It's my rabbi's fault. I blame him for everything.'

I pray for all that you will be able to celebrate full repentance, and stick to your lies, so you don't end up in Gehenim. And those lies should have you written in the book of life, enjoying chocolate.

Last week, we talked about the beautiful Tish experience, where the Chasidim stare at the rebbe while he eats. A beautiful tradition that kills the rebbe's dinner arrangements with his family. I argued with the Chasidim at the Tish and told them to 'let the rebbe eat.' Instead, they were staring at him and taking his food. Truth be told, I got involved in taking the food as well. Once I realized I didn't have to pay for it, I scarfed down a lot of potato kugel.
As I followed my Chassidic friends again this week, I learned that the rebbe is constantly followed; not just when he's eating. They follow him to work, when he's shopping, on holidays. There are always tons of Chasidim around the rebbe. And for good reason. Here is more of what I learned of the beautiful tradition of following the rebbe.

You Follow the Rebbe To Learn
They learn from every one of his actions. He purchases a hat, they all try to get that hat. He picks up Cabernet Sauvignon, that's what they're all making Kiddish on. He goes for a walk, all Chasidim are getting exercise. Which is why rebbes are suggested to go on walks by health professionals. For the health of their community. He's sleeping, they're there. 'How does the rebbe sleep?... He snores. I need to start snoring.'
I heard of one rebbe who cared very much for his Chasidim. The opthalmologist gave him a new prescription and suggested he change his frames, and go for a new style. Rebbes can be very stylish. The rebbe said, 'I can't change my frames. I can't do that to my Chasidim.'
I heard that the rebbe was followed into the hospital as well. That might have been because the Chasidim wanted to fulfill the Mitzvah of Bikur Cholim, visiting the sick. However, there were three hundred of his pupils in the room. They had a Tish around the rolling table.

The Amazing Site of Chasidim At the Kotel
Before the Tish, earlier on Erev Shabbat, I saw the Chasidim following the rebbe at the Kotel. That's how the evening of Shabbat starts. I saw the rebbe walking and the Chasidim running after him. If it was my congregants, I would've been yelling, 'They're following me.' I would've went straight to Kotel security, and told them to deal with their questions.
Upon seeing the sea of Chasidim following the rebbe, I noticed the greatest miracle of all. The rebbe was walking, and all the Chasidim were speed walking and running. And yet, somehow, they were all in the same place. How that works is a miracle. It just shows how great the rebbe is. The rebbe walks at a leisurely pace and the Chasidim are running, and yet, they're always catching up. And his legs are not very long.

The Relationship Never Stops
I went to the previous rebbe's Kever (gravesite) and there were tons of Chasidim there too. First, they're by their rebbe when eating, and now at the Kever. ​Even at his grave, they're asking him to talk to Gd for them. They never give him a break. I was telling them, 'Let the rebbe sleep.' 
As I said, 'Let the rebbe sleep. Let him have some peace,' I noticed some of the Chasidim writing notes and placing them in the Kever. They were worried he lost his hearing. 

No Sleep For the Rebbe
The life of the rebbe is one of giving to the community. It starts with the loss of privacy, where they're knocking on your door and asking you questions, while you try to deal with taking out the trash. It then goes to them following you wherever you walk. It leads to not being able to get in a decent prayer meditation at the Kotel. Then, they're showing up to your dinner, and eating your food. And finally, they're at your grave, still asking you questions. The giving never stops.

If I learned anything, the relationship with the rebbe is eternal. And at the Kever, I noticed them eating sponge cake. I believe one of them had leftovers from the Tish.

A Tish is a table, a Rebbe's table. I'm not a rebbe. Though, I am a rabbi, and I can tell you that pupils can be very annoying. They follow you everywhere. Ask you questions at the weirdest times. There's a cost to being the spiritual leader. I was once asked a question about my pupil's garden in the middle of a funeral service. No boundaries. I told them tomatoes are a nice addition, and I continued with Bernie's eulogy.
I wanted to see how Chasidim followed their rebbe. So, I joined a Friday night Tish. It was an experience, and I respect the rebbe for putting up with his pupils. A great rebbe.

The Tish Began
They were all looking at the rebbe. Staring at him. He was sitting at the table and they were watching him the whole time. They brought out the food, he started eating, and they all kept on staring at him. I was bothered. I felt bad, and I told them, 'Let the Rebbe eat.'
It's impossible to be sitting at your table, enjoying your food, with everybody looking at you. Have you ever tried eating with people staring at you? You can't. You chew and you're asking yourself if you chewed wrong. A bit of privacy and you can enjoy the Kishka. Here, they're looking at him the whole time. Attentively looking at him. He spills and he knows that's what they're going to be talking about for the next few months. All the Chasidim saying, 'The rebbe's Becher is too big.'
The rebbe is stuck eating tiny bites of Challah. He knows the Chasidim will be talking, 'Did you see the huge bite? He must've been very hungry today.' This rebbe couldn't do anything without them watching.

Every Move The Rebbe Makes is Important and Analyzed
The rebbe, the spiritual leader he is, all of his actions are holy. So, the Chasidim take each move to heart, and analyze it. The rebbe trips, 'Why did he trip?... It must be something you're supposed to do on Shabbis Mevorchim, when we bless the new month. It's tradition. You trip when you're blessing the month of Elul.' Every move is important. The rebbe goes for a dental appointment, it's what the Chasidim are talking about. The dentist is booked for half a year. They're arguing, 'I told you that clean teeth are important. As a community, we have to start flossing more. It's what the rebbe wants.'
At the Tish,  you could hear them whispering to one another, 'And the rebbe is walking to the table... He is now sitting... And he is washing his hands. The crowd is silent.' I heard some of the Chasidim next to me doing a play-by-play, 'The Rebbe is cutting the Challah... Now. He's pouring the salt.' The other guy was commentating, 'He poured too much salt. He has a bad heart. He has to watch it.' 

The Bleachers
Watching the rebbe really is an event. It's kind of like being at huge sports event. That's why they have bleachers and a play-by-play.
They had the big table, with the rebbe at the front, and a bunch of the head Chasidim sitting around the table, and then huge bleachers all around to watch the spectacle. Around a thousand fans watching the rebbe, from the bleachers. 
The Chasidim love watching it, as each move of the rebbe is holy. Even the rebbe eating. I know this, as I heard, 'And they're now bringing out the fish forks. I believe it's gefilte fish tonight.' The next guy shouted with excitement, 'It is gefilte fish. Holy fish.'

The Rebbe's Cup
That's an expensive cup. I was wondering where the community monies go to. It goes to the Becher.

The Chasidim Take His Food Too
They call it Shiraim. This is where the food becomes holy and the Chasidim steal it from the rebbe. The rebbe's taking in some boiled chicken, and they're all reaching for it, 'The rebbe's eating chicken.' Kugel comes out, they're all reaching for it, yelling, 'It's Lokshen Kugel.' 
He took his first bite, and bam, all the Chasidim are reaching for his food. They're not just staring at his food. They're taking it. One Chasid hurled himself at the table, yelling, 'He touched it. It's holy.' 
This is why the guy was excited about the rebbe eating gefilte fish. He wanted to grab at the grounded up carp.
I'm just happy that the holiness didn't cause a scuffle in the bleachers. My hands didn't move fast enough to get any Kugel. My Tish reaching abilities are undeveloped.

The Most Beautiful Songs
That's what I noticed it was all about. Holiness and a shared spiritual Shabbat experience.
The rebbe is a conductor. He lifted his hand, and they got louder. He banged the table, and the zeal of the Chasidim shined.
The dancing was amazing as well. The step forward step back in a non-moving line, with intertwined arms is a beautiful staple of the Tish. It was modern Israeli dancing at its best.
It became more lively as the evening went on. When the rebbe started banging, the Chasidim were announcing, 'He wants us to sing with more enthusiasm.' And the singing became even more beautifully intense. Some even started doing the backhanded Shabbat clap, where you clap the back of your hand with your palm, to make it different from a regular clap (which you can hear), due to musical instrument laws on Shabbat. In the end, the dancing line turned into Davening. I think they were praying. They were definitely shuckling.

The Rebbe Reacts
I heard the rebbe talking, as the Chasidim did. I went near him, as he started banging more. I wanted to know what he was really saying, as the Chasidim became more committed to the songs and prayer dance. He was banging and saying, 'Where is My Tzimis? Who took the Tzimis? And where is the Kugel? It was here a second ago. Was it Yankel? He always takes my food. That was a good Kugel. Who took it?!'
His hands went in the air, and I as I approached closer, I heard, 'Where’s my wife? Did they kick her out? We were supposed to eat together.' And then he banged again, 'That is not how you harmonize!!! Get the harmony down!!! You don’t sing like that... And clapping with the back of your hand doesn't work. You don’t clap like this!!!' And the Chasidim were still all singing. With one more hit of the table, the Chasidim sang with more fervor, and the rebbe yelled out, 'Where are the napkins?! You've all taken my food with your hands, and there are no napkins.' At which point, the sponge cake came out and the rebbe didn't even get a chance to touch it, before the Chasidim took it. 
It was Yankel who stole it. 

To sum it up, it was a beautiful Erev Shabbat. The respect the Chasidim have for their rebbe is admirable. My congregation wants me fired. I believe the rebbe appreciates that his pupils don't want him to have any downtime. They look up to his every action.
The rebbe loves his Chasidim. I just believe that at this Tish, he wanted some of his food for himself. It's just sometimes hard for the rebbe to get a decent meal, without being bothered. I am just happy my congregants are a bunch of heretics.

Next week, we shall focus on how the Chasidim follow the rebbe, and don't let him rebbe sleep.

The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk.

Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.'

A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.'
​They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma.
The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.'

Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. 
More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.'

The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah.

And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.'
Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. 
Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel.

And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss.

Hosting a Shabbat dinner is not easy, especially when you live in a bigger city and people say 'yes' when you invite them. Single people live in big cities as well, playing the odds that they will somehow end up at a Shabbat meal with their Bashert, intended spouse, right there. Hence, I will focus on feeding single people as well, when thinking about amounts, as they will show up even if you didn't invite them. So, be prepared for them.
You already know there is going to be a lot of people or leftovers. So, cook a lot. With that said, here is some cooking advice.

Cook Something Decent
You have to cook. That's all people will be talking about. Nobody cares about your kid graduating high school. They don't care. They're there for the food. That's what they're focused on. If your child graduated culinary arts college, that would be a discussion.
You don't want somebody tasting your Kugel and saying, 'Wow. This is really good. How did you make it?' And then you have to answer them with, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask Manischewitz.'
Using the mixes is fine. Everybody that makes Matzah ball soup and split pea soup, we know where you got it. They all lie. 'Family recipe'??? The family recipe of Manischewitz. The point is that you've got to put a spin on it. Cook the Manischewitz and add garlic. Then you can say, 'A dab of garlic.'

Cook A Lot
More important than what you're serving is how much. A lot is the goal. There is no greater compliment than 'they had a lot of food.' That says it all.
It makes no difference how many people are coming. The more you have on that table the more religious you are. That's the equation which determines the good religious Frum Jew. Ten pots and four tin trays on the table, you're a righteous family with a place in heaven. One pot and no tins, you're a heretic and nobody is eating off your dishware. Small plate on a bigger plate, you're a heretic. Everything should be served on the bigger plates, with bigger forks. That's the only way you can feed people correctly on Shabbat. Soup spoon? Ladle.
The real goal is leftovers. If you have no leftovers, you've failed your guests. You've also failed your family and God. Your kids will starve, as Frum people don't cook during the week. As a Frum Jew, you cook for Shabbis and leftovers.
Remember to have one decent dish. As long as you have one decent dish, mixed in the fourteen trays and pans, you're good to go. If they see a lot, that's what's important. They gravitate to that one dish and they still see a lot. Win win.

Overcook
That seems to have developed into a religious cooking style. You don't look at the choolante when you let it cook for twenty hours, so don't check the kugel, meat or rice. If it gets real bad, the smoke detector will catch it.
Until choolante, I didn't realize that you can burn something when cooking it on low. As I've learned, the best policy is to use a crockpot. This way, you can overcook the food, and it's still edible and juicy, and burnt.

Make a Salad
If they're not religious, they will enjoy this. Frum Jews stick to cooked brown stuff. Non-religious people like salads. If you're stuck with the non-religious people, you can tell them the Tzimis is a religious salad. You can also tell them the Kugel is a quiche. Heretics love quiche.

Scream At the Kids
When preparing the food, yell at the children. That is the only Shabbat preparation tradition that is practiced by all Jews, no matter their denomination.
Make sure they clean the floors. Scream at them for that, even if they're scrubbing well. Yell at them for not showering at the right time. And scream at them when making the soup. It helps with the cooking process.

Use Tin
Tin pans. Use them for everything. As a religious community we've gotten to the point of not using other dishware. We even have a tin pan holder contraption, to make a tin pan as classy as it can get. You drop that tin pan into metal wire. Class. This way you look like a mensch for the guests.
From the oven to the table. That's how you serve. They'll notice that you're serving out of a tin pan, and they will respect your commitment to tradition. However, add the metal wire holder, and you're a classy person that cares about their ancestors.

No Potluck
Singles do that. It looks pathetic and it is not fun being a guest. you don't invite guests to bring the food to the meal you invited them to. You might as well ask them to eat at their place. It's pathetic. You might as well tell them you that you trust their standard of Kashrut, and you're not religious.
If a guest brings something, like a cake they baked, and you want to show you're Frum, take their cake and trash it. Truth is, they probably brought the cake to test you. To see if you are religious or not. They will respect you for throwing their cake out.

When all is said and done, it's time to put the tin pans in the fridge. Now, the kids have food for the week. If we haven't learned anything, food should never leave the tins. They should only be covered in tinfoil. 
And remember to scream at the kids while cooking. It's very important to yell at the children to fulfil the tradition.

What to cook? We'll deal with that next time. For now. Just know that it has to be a lot. A lot and in tins. And a salad, just in case a heretic shows up. Baby steps in your religious growth.
Next time we shall discuss different Shabbat food groups and take out.

I've put together huge Shabbat dinners, and then thought, 'It might be nice to have guests, if I wanted to share my food.' Personally, I love leftovers, so guests don't really matter. The crockpot chicken is for Shabbat, Sunday and Tuesday. Other people enjoy company more than food. I'm too religious for that. I'm focused on the Tzimis. For those who want to share, be sure you invite people correctly. 

Invite People and Get Confirmation
For those fancy people who like to host, and cook for immediate dinners only, be sure to invite before you portion the meal. If you know there's only five people at dinner, you don't need the industrial size potato kugel.
Whatever amount confirm, double those numbers if you invite single people. Somehow, their friends will find out there's free food, and that means your home for dinner.
If you text them, make sure they know to respond. It's always very awkward to welcome Shlomo and Rivkah at the door with an 'I didn't know you were coming.' The only thing worse than that is preemptively not inviting them with a text saying 'please don't come to the dinner, just in case you heard about it. It's only for close friends.'
Don't use email to invite people. It's too formal. They will think it was a 'save the date' and they won't show. A letter is not necessary, unless if you are inviting people for Shabbat dinner three months down the road. If that's the case, you should also have place cards.
Though the in-person invite after Friday night services is always very personal, it doesn't help those who make precise portions. Nonetheless, there is no better way to let your guest know that you weren't thinking of them.

Choose Guests Wisely
Depending on what type of dinner you're going for, you want to make sure you have the right guests. There are different methods for choosing:
You have the friendly method, where you invite people with a smile that you don't enjoy talking to. You act friendly, and try real hard for two hours, so your spouse can say they are decent members of the shul, who care.
You have the friend method, where you only invite your friends, and then you talk about the people you are friendly to.
There's the Chesed method, where you invite lonely people, like singles, who have no hope. That can be written off as part of your tithe, for charity.
The entertaining invite, where you make sure to invite a professional entertainer for the kids. They come and run some games of Simon Says. The kids are happy, and you saved a lot of money on entertainment. By the time she leaves, she hasn't had time to touch her plate, and because of your kind invite, you saved three-hundred dollars. For the grownups, you may want to invite a singer as well. Many people love opera. You ask them to sing at the dinner, they have to, and now you don't have to go see Les Miserables. 
You have the family method, where you invite family and definitely don't get a dinner gift. For those dinners, you have to buy the wine. 
The other family method, where you invite them because they are family and you have to.
There's the out of town method, where people from out of town join you for dinner and take over the kids' room for sleep. There's no reason to cut the meal short with these people. They're going to be around no matter what. For some reason, of Jewish communal connectedness, they didn't want to rent rooms at the hotel, or pay for dinner. They are good Jews who believe in Hachnasat Orchim, and they're helping you get the Mitzvah of hosting.
The guests you will get something in return for method, where you invite people that will bring the dinner or an amazing dish. Your dinner turns into their dinner. These are usually people who don't get invited out often, and they are not used to trusting other people with decent food. They might even bring a picnic basket, just in case you don't have a table for them to eat at. If they ever get used to being invited out for dinner, stop inviting them. If they ever stop flipping the bill at the restaurant, don't go out with them anymore.
The religious invite, where you invite people more religious than you that won't eat your food. They come as a statement that you're not as religious as them. You don't have to worry about cooking decent for them, as they will make it a point to not eat your food. Enjoy the leftovers.
The new method is the Kiruv method, where you invite people who are less religious than you and feed them gefilte fish, choolante and kugel, in hopes that they will become closer to God. Those meals take the most energy, as you have to pretend that you're happy about being Jewish the whole time.
The singles invite, where you invite singles in hopes that they will get married and start paying dues. Expect nothing in return from the singles. Single people will give you nothing. If you're lucky, they'll bring a bottle of Manischewitz. They won't invite you either.
The new person invite. This works when you're new, or when new people join the community. When you're new to the community, you realize that nobody is happy about your decision, so you invite the locals to your place; the locals whose moving truck already showed, that have the necessary cookware to invite people. When you have a new member in your community, you invite them so that they can see what it would be like if another member of the community ever invited them again.
The work invite, where you invite coworkers in hopes that you'll get a raise. This can also be used to offset how annoyed they are that you took off for every Chag. This will hopefully save you some Sundays.
Political dinner, where you invite people who have really strong political opinions, to see how angry they make the other people who have really strong political opinions. You do this when the entertainer is out of town for Shabbat.
You can always just be a decent person with an open home. It takes a while for your open home reputation to get out there. But once your reputation gets out there, the felons will show, and you will have Shabbat guests.

Whatever method you choose, understand that they are all judging you. They will judge how good your food is. If the choolante is off, word will get out that you're not religious. Some may even judge your presentation. Those are the non-religious ones who may even be happy being served plated, as they've been rationed food their whole lives. They eat in portions and believe in eating healthy. They've never been to a Tisch, where you have to fight for your kishka.
Whoever you invite, they will be annoying. Enjoy it. It's Shabbat.

Next time, we will focus on table seating at your Simchas, for how to anger your guests.

How did staying up all night become a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day? That is a good question.

The first people who stayed up all night on Yom Yerushalayim were those devout students who came to learn Torah in Israel in 1967. They thought it was Shavuot. Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day of the holidays that Jews celebrate in the Diaspora, had them all discombobulated (a term used a lot in the 1960s). They heard there was a holiday at the end of the Omer, and they thought to celebrate Shavuot the right way, staying up all night and going to the Kotel.
The rabbis caught the devout pupils and let them know that Shavuot is a week away, and that they miscounted the Omer. One of the pupils responded, 'We lost count of the Omer weeks ago.' The other Talmid said, 'I stopped counting with a Bracha after the second day.' And the rabbis knew they had done a good job with these Talmidim.
When these trailblazers of the late ‘60s noticed all the religious Jerusalemite Jews driving, they understood that their rabbis were correct even though they speak English, and it wasn't a Torah holiday. First, they questioned if the Jews were in their cars to flee the war, but the Six Day War had ended. That was another argument. Some people thought it was a six-year war. The military insisted that it was called the Six Day War because they stopped fighting after six days. The political arguments and fighting in the Knesset lasted six years, causing for the confusion.

Dumbfounded Students
The students still didn't understand. The pupils asked what the day was, and the rabbis told them it was a day to celebrate the reunification of Jerusalem. The students didn’t understand, as Jerusalem was already unified. They argued that they could go anywhere in the city. The Yeshiva students were forced to learn about the military and what history is, and thus became heretics.
Discussions of how long two thousand years is took place. That got nowhere, as the Jewish people decided to agree to disagree.
The Talmidim were still trying to figure out why there was another Aliyah LaRegel, going up to Jerusalem for the holiday, if this wasn't a Regel. Yet, the rabbis said, ‘This is a holiday, and Jerusalem is part of the name. So, you go up to Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Jerusalem.’ The students didn’t know how to take this. To quote Menachem, 'Rabbi. There are so many holidays in the Torah. I've already lost my last three jobs due to holidays. I don't think I can take more days off for another holiday.' So, the rabbis all agreed that you can shower on Yom Yerushalayim. The rabbis also declared that you can work on this day, which is why nobody works on Yom Yerushalayim.

The Rabbis Insisted
The rabbis explained that it's because of this day that we can go up to Jerusalem for the holidays, so they insisted on the holiday. And the rabbis started to give speeches till late at night, at Merkaz HaRav, to continue to convince people that this is an important day. Thus, every year, we start Yom Yerushalayim by listening to speeches by rabbis at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav; the people need to be re-convinced every year that Yom Yerushalayim is an important day.
The students were confused by having to listen to rabbis. To quote Menachem again, 'This feels like Shavuot.' So, they decided to be safe and to stay up all night, like on Shavuot, and go to the Kotel. They didn't learn. Though, it was still very meaningful as they stayed up all night.
The students still had questions. 'How is it a holiday if we can shower?' The rabbis had no answer. They just knew how bad the people smelled from walking to the Kotel, and they didn't want to have to deal with students coming up to ask questions, smelling real bad. The rabbis then reiterated the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of going to the Kotel, and 'you can't shower at the Kotel washing stations, as the basins are too small to bathe in.'

Arguments of Tradition Continue
It turned out that walking was big in the '90s and started to die out in the early 2000s, until 2018 when Jewish people thought that it would be a great tradition to walk to the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, to show their love for Jerusalem and to get in steps.
Health is very important. To quote the mayor, 'Obesity is the new war of Jerusalem.' Everybody hates that mayor for being the cause of baked falafel balls. As they used to walk from Merkaz HaRav, larger groups started walking from the entrance of the city to the Kotel. And the tradition thus remains of walking to the Kotel on the night of Yom Yerushalayim, as the traffic is too bad to take a car.

Why Not Sleep?
Ever tried sleeping at the Kotel?! Staying up all night began once they realized how uncomfortable it is to sleep on Jerusalem Stone. 
I once heard of a man falling asleep on Jerusalem Stone, at which point they started the tradition of thousands of Zionistic Yeshiva kids dancing all night. They even started bringing bands. You can't sleep through that. They take out flags. Bands are playing. It's Gezel Sheyna (stealing sleep), and stealing sleep is forbidden. 

Why Not Go Home?
The dancing would go till 3am, at which point there’s no way for these kids to get home. Nobody thought that part out. Thus, you have the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of staying up all night at the Kotel and homeless shelters in Jerusalem.
There were heretics who claimed that staying at the Kotel all night was not important. Once the deniers of all night Kotel staying got the Kotel, they realized that they left their cars at the entrance of the city.  To quote Shmulik, who proclaimed that deniers should also keep the tradition, 'That's too far.'
When they noticed it was after midnight, and the streets were closed, due to people walking, they had no idea what to do. They couldn't catch a cab, so they decided to stay at the Kotel.

Kids Stay Out This Late
The kids who got caught in the flow of the dancing stayed out all night and realized their parents didn't care. Which is how underage drinking became a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim. It took the rabbis much convincing to get their pupils to not read the Megillah on Yom Yerushalayim.

Now there are thousands of Jews staying up all night at the Kotel on Erev Yom Yerhsalayim, and nobody showers.

Next year we will discuss the history of the Yom Yerushalayim Flag March and the flag shortage of 2013.

The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused.

Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt.

The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.)
Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb.
This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began.
They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. 

On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night.

For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves.
After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions.
The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?'
Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions.

When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools.
Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. 
Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on.

So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. 
None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions.
Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea

The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job.
To punish the teachers  for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions.
And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt.

I've been working as a Mashgiach for many years, and I've learned that there are tricks to the trade that one must know for legitimate Kosher supervision. Here are some of the trade secrets for anyone who wants to be an acceptable Kosher supervisor.

Get Good at Seeing Small Things
Lettuce checking is key. Take pride in it. Hold up that leaf with confidence that you can find a creature in there. 
If you can't find a bug in a vegetable, you should lose any Mashgiach license given you. If you can't watch over a fruit, you should not be trusted to watch over a kitchen. Before allowing anybody to be a Mashgiach, they should have a test to ensure you're not farsighted. To note: There is no greater feeling than finding an insect in a vegetable. That's nachis. Grandchildren are nothing next to a meadow spittlebug.

Know Your Symbols
Get good at finding 'O's. You have to find small letters on packages as well. That, along with turning on fires. You have to be able to find letters and turn on fires. Never trust a professional chef with a fire. That's why we have Kosher people turning on the pilot lights.
Basic rule: Any shape of a state with a letter in it is Kosher. And any 'O' that doesn't have a 'R' in it is Kosher. Any randomly flying 'K's on the package, the Kosher world has not figured out if that's Kosher yet.

Make It Look Like You're Doing Something
When you walk in, tap the meat. Say 'I'm here,' and walk through the kitchen while looking over people's shoulders that are trying to prepare the food. Check their onions while they're sauteing them. If they're comfortable with you around, you're not doing your job.
If you have no idea what you're doing with your time, give feedback on the onions themselves. You don't have to be a cook to do that. Nor do you have to be a Mashgiach to do that.

Sit and Learn
Your job is to be the religious Jewish guy. Learning is what good religious Jews do. That's what you should be doing. Sit and learn and stay away from the kitchen. People will trust you, even if you didn't check anything. As long as you're learning. 
Bitul Torah, taking time away from learning Torah, is a sin. If anybody asks you to check if the dish is Kosher, the right thing to say is, 'I'm learning and I believe in H."' That will let them know that you care about Torah. That should be enough for them to feel comfortable as Jews, even if the food wasn't checked.

Make a Big Deal When You Tell Them The Empire Chicken is Good to Use
You want job security. Let them know with authority that it's Kosher. Even slap the chicken for emphasis. 'Empire is good. Cook it.' Even if they're grilling it, just yell out, 'Cook it.'
Anything you know, you should express enthusiasm and get involved for that moment. You're limited in Kosher knowledge, as you have no idea how to slaughter, so make sure they know how good you are at finding letters in outlines of states.
You see a bug, yell it out, 'I found one.' Celebrate. Do a Siyum if you must. Take pride in your detective abilities. You'll naturally want to have a Simcha, possibly break into a Horah or a one handed side to side kick, once you find a bug. It just happens. That joy simply touches a man's soul.

Eat as Much as You Can
Whatever they pay you, it's not enough. Make sure you're eating at least twelve bucks an hour's worth. More than that, you have a requirement to eat. How is anybody supposed to know it's Kosher if the Kosher guy isn't eating it. How Kosher is it if the Kosher guy is only eating small portions? These are questions people ask, so make sure you are sitting there and eating.

Make a Big Deal About Something
​Otherwise, they're going to question what you're doing there. The issue is that some nonJews don't value Torah and eating. And share any knowledge you have, as that exudes authority. If anybody asks you what kind of meat it is, you tell them 'brisket.'
If you can say something is wrong, say it. Focusing on negative makes you look like a leader. Reach over and say, 'Can't do that.' Even if it's something about American foreign policy, reach over and say 'no.' Connect it to Kosher. 'If they attack the Ukraine, the meat won't be slaughtered in the ritually correct way. Toss the salmon.' They'll understand that you know Kosher.

Check Everything
Remember, Mashgiach means supervisor. So, even if you're only making fifteen bucks an hour, you're the boss.
When they come in, check their coats. Check their pockets. You don't know if they're stealing anything. Check to see what skin lotions they are using. Nobody wants dry unmoisturized hands in their food.
Remember, you're a supervisor. Oversee everything. Be sure to criticize when you have a chance. People are wearing an off outfit, mock it. Supervise that. Get involved in breaks. The more you keep busy telling other people what to do, the more of a supervisory role you are playing.

Talk Yiddish When Other Mashgiachs Are Around
Yiddish is the Kosher language of America, because it's not English. Even if you don't know Yiddish, do a high pitch of the few Yiddish words you know. Larry David employs the Yiddish high pitch mumble beautifly in Curb Your Enthusiasm. 
Anything you do is Kosher when it's Yiddish. I overheard somebody at Kiddish explaining, 'Nu. I don't know if I'm a fan. Not to plotz for. The burger at Wendy's is a bissel dry.' Vus is dus? You're going to tell them Wendy's isn't Kosher?

Wear a Blazer
You don't have to work when you're wearing a blazer. Better yet, a suit. Nobody asks people to do physical labor when they're wearing a suit. Hence, real rabbis wear suits. 
It also looks more supervisory to wear a jacket. Better yet, wear a tuxedo. People may even wish you a Mazel Tov for not helping.

Make a Big Deal About Pesach
When Pesach comes, throw everything in the Kitchen out. Any questions asked to you as a Mashgiach, 'Throw it out.' They ask about the oven, 'Throw it out.' Counters, in the trash.
If you can, blow torch the place, do it. It looks good when a rabbi walks through the kitchen with exposed fire. It lets them know who's truly in charge. It also instills the necessary fear in the staff who are thinking of treifing up the place.

Whatever you do, make sure they call you a rabbi. Even if you have a high school Torah education, just go by rabbi. Exploit that. If they call you rabbi, you don't have to help. And they will respect you for that.