This month we learned about Tisha BAv, Shema and marrying people you don't think are hideous, which has caused the Shidduch industry to take a big hit. Let's learn a Bissel Torah.

It’s our tradition to read Megilat Eicha on the night of a Tisha BAv in the dark, with flashlights, because that draws the flies to you.
 
(Kiddushun 41a) You have to see a woman before marrying her. Bothersome as it is, you’ll probably have to see her after you’re married too.
Rav Yehuda says Rav says it’s forbidden to betroth a woman until seeing her because he might see something repulsive. Some girls have the big skirt buckles. Some guys are repulsed by those. If he becomes repulsed, he may end up violating the Mitzvah of loving your neighbor as yourself (Vayikra 19:18). This doesn’t mean you should be checking out your neighbor’s wife. There is no Mitzvah to love your neighbor’s wife. Just your neighbor. A little misreading can lead to a lot of problems in the community.
And this is why commentary is important.

(Berachos 12b) We should have added Bilam’s Bracha of the Jews to the Shema. We don’t add it because of Tircha DTzibur. It’s a bother to the congregation, as it would take a long time. Instead, we wait half an hour for people to finish the Shema prayer.
It speaks of H’ guarding us, so we have the serenity of a lion and lioness (Rashi- Bamidbar 24:9). Even this explanation is getting long. I’m going to stop that here. And I’m going to say Shema faster. You know what else is a Tircha DTzibur. When somebody enunciates the words of their Davening.
For some reason, the Gemara says nothing about making everybody wait half hour, while staring at you, trying to figure out why he's making us all wait. Nothing was said about the rabbi's job being to make people wait a very long time, so that they can become very frustrated. No Mitzvah of causing everybody to be extremely frustrated and to not want to show up to Minyin was mentioned.

(Nidda 30b) Before birth you learn all of Torah. And then an angel comes hits you on your mouth, and you forget it. This teaching is there to comfort us, knowing how easily we forget stuff. We also learn from this that angels have a very violent temper. We learn much from this teaching, and then we forget it. 
And this is why I was never good at Judaic studies. The angel.

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: Mourning is best done with a flashlight, as flies cause us to think about the Destruction of the Temples. Don't marry ugly people, because you can't love them. Kavanah, focus on Gd during Davening, is bad. And you should blame everything on angels. Not Jews. And we all now feel like worse people.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.

Children are required to think of their parents as honorable, even if they’re not seen that way. This is why I need kids. I need some respect. I also need somebody to mow the lawn.

Taking a shower is permitted on the 17th of Tammuz. Bathing is also allowed the rest of the year. Please tell that to the campers at these summer camps. They’re disgusting.
 
For a Jew to divorce in the US, you need to have both a civil divorce and a Get through a Beit Din Jewish court. Outside of Israel, you need to hate your spouse twice as much.
To quote our dear friend who is now single, "That was easy. I would have signed another document. Every time I sign something saying I never have to see that person again, I feel such Nachis."

With the Maccabiah and all the sports, questions of Bitul Torah come up. Bitul Torah, wasting time from learning Torah, is something we don’t do as Jews. And there are many reasons given for this. The most convincing one being not getting your allowance.
The Maccabiah needs more Torah involved events. Excessive sports can be Bitul Torah. I support gymnastics, as long as it doesn't take away from learning Torah. One must be learning Gemara when competing on the bars.
As part of Color War, we always had a Bracha Bee. The Maccabiah. athletes from the different countries should be competing at Tefilat HaDerech. Soccer and the prayer for travel by heart for speed. And it’s practical for their trip home.
 
Note: They have held off on icing out Charedim totally. They’re not playing on Shabbis. Sports are not in the spirit of Shabbis and you sweat. Which is why most Jews never play sports, as it’s Asur to sweat outside of the Shvitz. The Shvitz is fine as it’s Grama. You’re passively causing the sweat.
Definitely not soccer.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Jewish kids should shower more. The Maccabiah is not religious enough, and Charedim should be protesting it. Lying down in the middle of soccer fields is what Charedim should be doing for the Maccabiah. Marriage has ruined his life and he believes people should do whatever they can to get out of it, even if they have to do it more than twice. And the reason to have kids is because he needs people who are required to look up to him to get some respect and to do chores you don’t want to. Other than that, there is no reason to have those things. To bring more Torah joy to you, next month, Rabbi David will be sure to focus on Tisha BAv.

I have a lot more to say.
Last week we focused on how much we hate men. We want to thank Elias Sacks for making it clear that you can still call a woman a woman, if it doesn’t offend people. Now I shall give you my full thoughts on the new JPS Gender Sensitive Tanakh, the RJPS and what I think should’ve been done. Please see Part I, so you have the basis for which to also complain about the JPS’s new version.
And here are my problems with sensitivity.

Your Rabbi’s Conclusion and Critique
I definitely have issues with this whole inclusivity thing. Next thing you know, congregants like me. Then they feel comfortable asking me questions. 
 
JPS just went to the next level. Could've said it was a Tanakh version where Gd is translated as Gd, as Gd doesn't have a gender, unless if we're talking about Gd's attributes or using anthropomorphism for us to connect. And they could’ve left the translation of “King” as “King.” That would make sense to me. As a king is a king and the Hebrew word for king is king. Catch this. Some things don’t make sense when you degenderize them. Such as my niece. And she is still my niece.

This inclusiveness offends me. And it belittles the Tanach by loading the title with terms like "Gender Sensitive."
Torah is not sensitive, and this attempt doesn’t help any person who believes in Torah. And I’m stuck trying to figure out why they call it The Gender Sensitive Tanakh. That's the "jarring" language. Must be that the idea of the RJPS Tanakh is to have a Bible out there for people who don’t like gender. A version of the Tanakh for non-religious people who won't read it.
Call it the 2026 Version. Or Tanakh for People Who Don't Like What Gd Thinks. Your rabbi would be fine with that.
I appreciate the idea that Gd can’t be defined as female or male. But are people that stupid that we need to translate the Tanakh incorrectly?!

We’re trying to make Gd more connectable, so we need a Tanakh that says Gd doesn't have any characteristics. A Tanach that doesn’t have the Tanach. “Scholars” should know that we can’t understand Gd. The fact that Gd throws us a bone by letting us feel like He has a hand, let the Torah give us that. It’s better than worshipping Baal.
 
We Need Other Versions
The JPS needs to be more inclusive. If they're going to do it right, they need more versions. There are so many people that are beyond gender. What about people that are beyond feelings. People that are beyond identification. Age. Age can totally mess people up. Nobody should be defined by how old they are. Numbers are very restrictive. 
JPS feels it's important to connect with the contemporary reader. Which means an American who hates identity and loves communism, and oppression of Jews. Father and Mother are too gender specific for Torah, as that supports the idea of family, and family is offensive to the contemporary reader. There should be The Communist JPS Version for those with Russian ancestry who miss the USSR. And for those who are feeling left out due to their Jew hatred, we need a The Revised Anti-Semite Version. Or The Revised JPS Version of Intolerance.
And what about those that don't believe in Gd? I still feel bad for those people. The Torah is not very inclusive of them. There is very little Baal in the Torah for the idol worshipping Torah fans. We need a The No God JPS Version. As long as "The" is in the title, I’m fine with the version.
The modern reader should be allowed to connect in their way. The way they want. That is the message of the RJPS. We need more versions. A version for everybody. It's already mid-2026. It’s been six months since that other version. We need "fresh eyes" on the Torah. The JPS Journal Tanakh where you get to write the Bible how you like. The JPS Coloring Book Tanakh. The Tickle Me Elmo Version of the Tanakh. We definitely need more of an array of The Heretic Tanakhs. Until we have these new editions out, the atheist will have to refer to Gd as "Gd." And that’s offensive.
The Atheist Sensitive Tanakh. That’s a seller. The Bible definitely does not do its job speaking to the atheist population.
There should be a The Muslim Brotherhood JPS Version put out for the contemporary reader who wants to bomb Israel and massacre the Jews. 
This is what "Gender Sensitive" in the title does. It mocks the simple idea they present of keeping Gd a little vague. For them to be vaguer in their translation is an argument, allowing for commentary. And that is fine, as we need more sources to allow us to argue with people who have no idea what they're talking about. We also need to give the Christian missionaries more sources to prove Jesus. Now they're going to be coming to us with proof that Jesus is “the person” of Gd. “Written right there in the RJPS version. It says ‘persons.’”

Final Thoughts
The Torah has to be the Torah. To me, that makes sense.
If they would just call it The Vague Version, I would be all in. It's the agenda behind the name that has me questioning if Moshe really said it. I never heard Moshe say "Gender Sensitive." Maybe when he suggested that the plague that slaughtered thousands of Jews in the desert wasn’t the worst thing, he was being a bit sensitive.
This "inclusiveness" is all loaded and it makes no sense. What kind of religion doesn’t allow you the joy of hating people.
 
Grapes of Wrath needs a new translation. Do people do it? Do people say "Tom Joad is jarring. We're going to change his name." Only "Drag Story Hour" does that. We need a JPS Drag Version for those who want to see humankind that way in nursery school.
Only the Bible is allowed to be constantly rewritten. Call it the JPS Commentary for People Who Have Their Thoughts.
Give it a few days, they're going to have to come out with a 2027 version, where referring to Gd as Gd is offensive. Somebody might have a thought, and we'll have to change the Bible again. The 2027 version of the JPS. The JJPS. The Jewish JPS Tanakh. The new version where the Torah is translated as the Torah. A version where somebody finally explains what a Tetragrammaton is.

The Gedolei Hador, the great rabbis of our generation, need to connect more with the contemporary reader. 
 
Get rid of the “Gender Sensitive” and your agenda. Call it a commentary and I’ll be fine. You did say that you made it a point to translate the words incorrectly. And that makes people feel better. “I love this Bible. Now I love the Tanakh. They totally botched it. Nothing like the original. Now it speaks to me.”
Commentaries are great when they make sense. And most commentaries mess up words. Listen to any of my sermons and you’ll see how supportive I am of mistranslating the Torah.

What we’re seeing here is the importance of the original language. To have a normal Torah, we need to get rid of the English. Have the Tanach in Hebrew only, so that we can be male chauvinistic as a people again. ​Something so that I can learn Torah again. A Torah where I don’t have to feel bad about offending Bethanie and her feelings about her recent breakup.
Thank Gd. If that's what I'm supposed to do to Him. Shoot. I messed this sentence up already. Thank The Eternal, they're not changing the Hebrew Bible. They tried, but they had a hard time changing the Hebrew in English.
Elias does say, "It's absolutely not the case that we're changing the Hebrew of the Tanach." Thank you for being sensitive and allowing Hebrew to be a language.

The goal is to "open up the Bible's world to the 21st century readers." And to let people know there’s an issue. It's old. That’s the issue with the Torah. It’s old. Stephen King didn’t write it. And I personally am changing the author to every Stephen King book. His name is jarring.
It's definitely not for Yeshiva guys. It's not offensive enough. I’m thinking the Yeshiva Bachurs are going to stick the Artscroll version. No issues with the translation. There we know it’s totally wrong. The Gender Insensitive Version for the Yeshiva Bachurs. Artscroll beat the JPS to that.

It’s their agenda and their new name. Torah with adjectives in the title is not Torah. I don't know if Gd should be going through an identity crisis. But now He is. You’re not going to get me to stop calling Gd “He.”
The Bible is supposed to offend people. The Gender Sensitive JPS Version is pandering to people who are not male chauvinists. And that is Biblically offensive.
 
All in all. Other than the Adam thing and the words that are feminine and masculine not staying feminine and masculine, I have no problem with the RJPS. See how I put the female before the male. Shoot. I probably just offended somebody again.
Call it a commentary, explain what a Tetragrammaton is, and which Transformer it’s part of, and I am fine with it.

​For the Jewish Publication Society's Tour of the RJPS with Elias go to Youtube.
Thank Gd somebody came around to fix His mistakes. Gd was never good at writing in English.

This is the review and it will take a while. In Part I, we will first focus on what the JPS presented. In Part II we will focus on my conclusion as your rabbi. Things take a while when you have to be sensitive. When have to explain that Gd is not as you explained Him. When you have to do something impossible and make people feel good about the Bible.
 
​JPS put out The Gender Sensitive Tanakh for the modern man, the RJPS version. I just said man. Already messed up. I'm never going to get this down. I spent too many years in Yeshiva. Wait. It's the Bible for the modern person. Now we can do this review.
We're living in an age where everybody has an identity issue. Some people don't know if they're man or woman. Why should Gd be left out.
Thus, the JPS has taken it upon themselves to rewrite the Torah. They decided to rewrite Gd's word. To be honest, if Gd knew of gender neutrality, He would've been more sensitive. He wouldn't have thrown in some of those commandments about pilgrimage holidays. He would’ve left out Mikvahs and went for pools. Pools are more gender sensitive. Pools with mixed swimming. Mixed swimming in bikinis. Unisex bikinis are gender sensitive. Point is, He would've called Adam "Adamah." Or "Ariel." Ariel is quite gender neutral. Shabbat. He would've let us do without that. Shabbat is quite gender specific.
If Gd would've known that people don't identify as men or women, He would’ve thought about His wording a little more. He would’ve gotten it right, and we wouldn’t have had to revise this thing.
There is language used in the Chumash. And that is offensive. Language is offensive. Gd is offensive. And Moshe was offensive when he called the Jews a nation. To use the word "nation." Not necessarily sensitive. "Persons." Persons says nation to me.
And so, we see that gender sensitive people need a new Bible.

I watched the video with Elias Sacks for help. YouTube. Elias gave a beautiful tour of The Gender Sensitive Tanakh on YouTube. And that’s what I call research. Hence, this is all scientific.
Before we go on, Elias made sure to note that this version of the Torah is not gender neutral. It's gender sensitive. So, I have misunderstood what the new JPS Tanakh is. Now I know. And I don’t know the difference between gender neutral and sensitive. It's definitely a more emotional Bible.
Before we go on, it must be stated, Elias made it clear, they are only rewriting the English Tanach. I was hoping for a new version of the Hebrew text. It turns out JPS will not be doing that anytime soon. Gd’s word in Hebrew is the same. The Hebrew version is still allowed to be offensive. As Israelis are very offensive. And I am now offended as an Israeli. But we are not here to talk about the Israeli Sensitive Tanach. A Tanach where people can pronounce Tanach. We are here to review the new JPS version.
 
The Review of What Elias Showed
Let's hear what Elias says.
Elias explains the new Tanakh is translated for "contemporary readers." JPS is focused on those readers. They’re not focused on archaic readers. Readers from the fifth to eighth century is not their focus.
This is why they changed the JPS Torah. The Torah has been the same since 1985. It's getting old. Crazy old. Outdated. Who's watching Cheers Anymore?! 
The 1985 version as opposed to the 1312 BCE version. The 1312 BCE English version has been revised countless times.
How many times is JPS going to change the Bible? I can't tell you. They haven't put out the racist version yet.

The 1985 version of the Bible translates Gd as a "Him." Who translates the Hebrew word “Oto” as “Him”? Other than Israelis and people who understand Hebrew, nobody does that.  
I always thought Gd was a guy. That seems to be a problem. Growing up in Yeshiva, I thought "he" was gender neutral. I thought "he" was a sensitive way to describe "him." I was wrong.
Yeshiva education is messed up. It turns out that the masculine form of the Hebrew language doesn’t always include women. And I have to stop referring to women as guys.

Elias explains that at points they use "person" or "them," as opposed to "woman" or "man." Which makes it harder to figure out who to date. Nonetheless, you refer to a person in plural form in gender neutral language. As gender neutral people are usually heavier. And fat shaming is fine in neutral people. You can always learn something new. And that’s what the RJPS version is here for.

They got rid of mankind. They erased mankind. Somebody had to do it. Our politicians haven’t succeeded yet. Elias says, "We try to avoid saying man or mankind." Adam as mankind in Bereishit is not good anymore. "Humanity" is how it’s expressed nowadays in many settings, such as when talking to heretics. And heretics are contemporary.
Truth is I can't stand mankind. They suck. Maybe humankind can do better. I’m still for "Ariel." Ariel covers every them.

Using masculine language "can sound jarring. It can sound intentional... can feel jarring unnatural disconcerting to emphasize the maleness." Which is a quote Elias stole from his wife.
And I hate men too. And that is why they are using gender neutral language intentionally. I hate men. Why should Gd be associated with those people. You see how used "people." I'm starting to get a hold of this.
It's wrong. "Deliberately casting Gd as male." Men bring a bad name on themselves. Gd doesn't need that reputation.

Elias expresses that Gd is beyond gender according to many scholars. I would agree. And thus, I am a scholar. "Some contemporary readers experience Gd as encompassing multiple genders. Not just male or female." Now I’m confused, like Gd. 
So Gd is she/they/thou/them/him/her/their/hers/his. Gd is a Forward Slash. And I think Gd is now offended. See how I capitalized “forward slash.”
Please don't tell me the RJPS stopped capitalizing Gd, because capitals are not gender sensitive.
They took out "King." King is male sounding. If you don’t get this by now, you’re an insensitive racist who hates people. Using King for Gd is a problem. Gd is just Gd. Somebody should’ve told this to Gd when He wrote the Torah and called Himself King. But need not worry, we’ll correct His mistakes.
They Might want to change Gd to "+." The attributes of Gd should be vague for the contemporary reader. Preciseness is offensive. I think Plus Sign says it all. Pluses and Forward Slashes.
The RJPS version allows the atheist to read "Gd" however they like.

Wait. Take that back. They are not using any pronouns for Gd. And no "they" either. But somebody can interpret Gd as "they" if they like. Though. The plus sign might stand. Maybe in the next version. My idea. That’s my interpretation.

They got rid of "Lord" as that also sounds male, and we hate men. All of us contemporary readers can agree we hate men, and we love the WNBA.
The Tetragrammaton is sometimes referred to as “Gd” or “The Eternal.” That makes sense, if I knew what the Tetragrammaton was. In the next version, maybe they should focus on translating Tetragrammaton into English. No idea what that means.

Later in his presentation Elias does make it clear that gender language is sometimes fine, and I appreciate that. Like when referring to a guy, you can say they're a guy. You can refer to a woman as a woman, if she's a woman. Though it might be illegal in certain states.

Elias realized they needed to go through the Tanach with "fresh eyes." The last three thousand five hundred years wasn't enough. It needed fresh eyes. Gd might have forgotten something. The fresh eyes looked at Bereishit 1:26-27 and decided that Adam should be translated as "humankind." And that is why I call my Israeli friend "Humankind."
Between us, this is really a discussion about Gd. And anybody who thinks Gd is a dude is an idiot.

There are other offensive words in the Bible, but Elias did not focus on them. Personally, I am going to skip the word "Behalotcha." I don't like it. It sounds jarring just to say it.

I want to thank Elias Sacks for giving the tour of the RJPS over in a soft intimate gender sensitive undertone. Thank you for making it sound not male. That would've been jarring.
At this point, we can all agree we hate men. And we all needed a new Bible to express that.

​The Chief Rabbinate instituted Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim as the one thing to do celebrate the Chag. And thus, they are heretics. Any Frum person knows, celebrating Jerusalem is Asur. Forbidden. Any way of celebrating the city we pray for is definite heresy.
Some people walk around Jerusalem, taking steps in the Holy City to celebrate the holiday. But we know exercise is also Asur.  
 
(VaYikra 25:14) When doing business don’t wrong your fellow, unless if you’re making a lot of money. Then it feels like the right thing to do. You rip them off, it feels Gishmack.
If you're going to lie, make sure you're making a lot of money off it. Then you can donate some of that to the community. They might even honor you with a plaque. Thus, making it a Mitzvah to steal.

Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21) teaches, “Man must stay very far from women.” And that’s how dating works. For more Torah education on how to court a woman…
And countless marriages have been saved due to the wisdom of our sages.
 
Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21:3) says you can look at a girl, only to see if she’s fit for marriage. And it would appear that I’ve thought to marry many women recently.
You look to check whether she is a virgin or not. How to do this, I do not know. How do you check out a girl for marriage? “She’s a girl. I guess she can get married. And that is what I was checking out just now. I was staring at the young woman only to see if she is of marriage age.” And that is what you tell your wife. And that is supposed to make things better.
And it is fitting to do so. When you see a woman, you should think about marrying her. And this is why it is very awkward for women to work in retail. They think they're working as a cashier, the guy getting change thinks he's proposing.

A note of interest: This is why married men have been joining the Shadchan field. On the spot, they get caught checking out a girl, they tell their wives they’re thinking of a Shidduch for them. They become Shadchanim like that, immediately. And it saves their marriage.
And the Shulchan Aruch continues, “But he may not look at her in a promiscuous way.” And this is why many religious men, when they look at women are checking out the soul.
And that’s what I say when people catch me checking out a woman. “It is Halachik. I’m only looking at her figure because of marriage. And that really means I’m looking at her soul.” And now you all know I’m a good holy Jew.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Celebrating Yerushalayim makes you a heretic. And stealing from other people is a Mitzvah, if you get a plaque with your name on it out of the deal. And the way you get to know the woman you want to marry is by staying away from her. And checking out women is fine, as long as you're thinking about taking them as your second wife. I believe that's what we've learned from our rabbi this month.

My Talmedim want to know what they must do for Father's Day. What are they Chayav.
Chagim, holidays, are about happiness. How does one allow their father to enjoy the Chag. That is the Shayla. After much research into the Shaylas and Teshuvas of our sages, I've learned that the best way one can show appreciation of their Tatty, their father, is to not be there.
Stay away from your dad. That's what you're required. He wants to forget about you. That brings him happiness.
One day to not have to deal with you. That’s the Mitzvah of Father's Day. To let your dad forget he is your dad. Let him have a Sunday. One Sunday without you. One day of his life to have a chance to dream of how good life could've been. And that's how you practice the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. You honor your parents by staying away from them. That brings them Nachis.
You could help around the house and cook, but there is no greater way to show your appreciation for your dad on Father's Day then to not be there. That will bring your father happiness. If you were able to help around the house by not being there, that would be the best way to fulfil the Mitzvah.
Here are ways to fulfill the Mitzvah of not being there.

Leave the house. Move out. That's a great way to help your dad celebrate. Move out and pay your own bills.
You don't even have to tell him. Just leave. A few months down the road, he might realize why he's so happy and relaxed, and why his heart condition has gotten better. Then he might think about you for a minute, get an anxiety attack, confirm you're not around, and then his heart rate will be back to normal.
When you do a Mitzvah, more Mitzvahs fall on your plate. Another Mitzvah, you fulfilled is Pikuach Nefesh. Saving a life. You saved your Tatty's life by him not having to see you.

Leave for the morning. At least give your Abba that. A morning where he can drink coffee and not question the bad decisions he made, and the dreams that have been killed by you.
Dad still loves you. He just doesn't want to have to see you when he wakes up. He wants a few minutes of joy, before the thought of you creeps into his mind.

You can go to the park. Just don't ask your Tatty to join you. Find a way to play catch with yourself. Bond with your dad by letting him relax without you. I heard one of my congregants express his greatest father son bonding time, "I was at the football game with my son. My son sat in a different section. I didn't see him till after the game. It was the only time I ever enjoyed being with that kid."

As long as you’re out of the house, it’s a Simcha. And mom and dad love you. 
Get out of the house. They invested half a million in your education to not have to see you. And now you're still there. Each moment you're there while dad is trying to enjoy a Netflix is an Aveirah.
Half a million. The least you can do is show your appreciation by hiding. It's Father's Day. Give him that.

Go on a Father's Day Cruise for your dad. He will be happy not seeing you. You take the cruise. Leave him at home without you. That will make him happy.
Will dad get mad you didn't get him the cruise tickets? No. As long as he doesn't have to see you. Let him know, "Dad. I got some tickets to the Bahamas for you. You won't have to see me for two weeks." A beautiful Father's Day gift.
If you're on a cruise and he can't reach you for a few days, all the better. He might think about you for a minute, hope you're OK. But he'll forget. Don't worry.

Barbecue. If you make the barbecue that's an extra Mitzvah. If you put up a nice juicy steak, Tatty will be happy. You set up the grill. You put up the steak. Put it out and let dad eat without you.
If it is a really good steak, your dad might want to see you, to ask you to get some chimichurri. But don't take any chances with ruining his Chag. If you're grilling him a hot dog, he will not want to see you. 
And make sure you pay for the barbecue. Using dad's money on his day is a holiday happiness killer. Your Tatty has now spent a half a million dollars and a ribeye on you. Again, you're the cause of his failing heart. Some rabbis have said that using dad's money causes as much stress as seeing you. 

Call your dad on Father's Day. Calling is allowed. Even suggested. Calling makes your parents happy, as it's proof you're not there. They love saying, "She's calling from Israel... My kids are so far away. Every time I get a call, it brings me such joy. A reminder they're somewhere else."
Distance makes a heart grow fonder. Imagine what never seeing you does for your relationship with your parents.
When your parent speaks of the Nachis you bring them, they're talking about the fact you're not around. "My kid is in college. They're spending a year in Israel. They're at sleepaway camp." No parent has ever said, "I'm Schepping so much Nachis. My kid wakes me up every morning." No Tatty has ever said, "We get to see our children every day. Such Nachis."

You can fulfill this Mitzvah at any age. Dad won't mind if you move out in the eighth grade. You're Bar Mitzvahed. You're a man. You can live on your own. There’s a reason we turn kids into men at thirteen. Exactly. To get them out of the house.
Notice for Children: If you're reading this and you haven't finished high school, you don't get sarcasm yet. Your parents love you. Stay at home, even if your parents have to see you. If you're a child, it's the law.

As the head of the household, I understand it’s hard to tell your kids you can’t stand them. I hope you dads appreciate what I'm doing for you. Happy Father's Day.
Tizku LMitzvot

***The Kibbitzer received a notice from some concerned parents. To quote, "Now our children think we don't love them and want them out of the house." In response, Rabbi David said he doesn't care.
Rabbi David did say that there are parents who do want to see their children when they're sick. To quote Rabbi David, "Your Abba wants to see you when he's very ill. When he's extremely sick and might die. He also wants to see you when you're mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. You can also stay around the house on Father's Day, Midirabbanan, if you're vacuuming or trimming the hedges. This way your Tatty will feel like he's getting a little return on his investment of five-hundred-thousand dollars. Though it's not enjoyable as seeing you not at the house, it does bring a little Hanna'ah." 

Back in the day, the Maggid, the storyteller rabbi who found a way of serving the community without having to teach Torah, was the one giving the Shmoozes. Many times, the Maggid would travel from town to town. Which meant they would walk fifteen minutes to the town next door. That was travel back in the day, before we had cars. The Maggid would hold their attention then move into a story and a lesson. And they were able to do all of that without mentioning the Holocaust.
Now, you have to do the job of the Maggid. So, let us learn how to end your Shmooz correctly.

The Story Part
You’ve held the attention of the Talmedim. Now work in a story. If you're going for the talking method, tell a story. Always tell a story. The masters of the staring method can tell a story just by looking at their students. However, we're beginners. We can't telepathize a detailed parable.
Wagons are good. When you tell a story, tell it with a wagon and a rabbi. Every story should have a rabbi being pulled by horses. Wagons evoke thoughts of a time in early years. Most stories with wagons happened between the years 1682 and the early 1930s. Basically after the Prohibition, people were using cars. Turns out Prohibition prohibited alcohol and cars. I just realized that. Thought I would add a side note of education.
In the 1930s people started using cars, and stories of rabbis are much less meaningful. Nothing spiritual ever happened in a car. A car never took a Maggid from town to town. “And the rabbi drove his Toyota Carolla from town to town, to spread H’s message.” Nothing spiritual. He’s probably spreading stock tips.
And use "town" when telling your story. "The rabbi decided to take a wagon that day, instead of walking the fifteen. The rabbi got stuck and almost missed his chance to share the lesson with the people in that town. What were the people of Minsk to do." You see how meaningful that story is? A wagon and a rabbi. And then I added in "Minsk" for extra meaning. That story right there says everything. Town, Minsk, wagon. That's the message. And to make it more powerful, I added a question with no question mark. That’s an advanced Maggid skill. First focus on wagons in Minsk.
If you lose them in the middle of the story, you might want to employ the Holocaust attention holding technique. "The lesson with the people in that town. Holocaust. And the people of Minsk..." You have their attention again, and you can go on with your inspirational parable about the wagon. I don't suggest the Holocaust technique. I personally just yell at them. 

The Lesson
The lesson is very important. This is the end of the Shmooz. Though, people will not trust that it's the end till you finish. That's how you know it's a good Shmooz. If people think it will never end.
This is where you repeat the topic again. After you've repeated it the previous hour. And held their attention by repeating it more, telling a story and repeating it. People have short memory abilities nowadays. After the Shmooz, they're going to forget what you spoke about. So, save this Shmooz, as you will have to repeat it next week. 
You want to repeat the topic correctly. You want the people to know that there is hope. The story of the horse drawn wagon that got stuck on its way to the town of Minsk was brought to let people know they can do Teshuva. They can repent, like the rabbi whose wagon was saved "because he cried to H'."
You see how I added crying to H'. That is what you do at the lesson part of the Shmooz. You take the lesson to a different dimension of Gd and wagons.
How do you connect Teshuva to the story of the wagon? I have no idea. As a Maggid giving the Shmooz, it's your job to be creative.
The connection of Teshuva, H' and the wagon is not important. What's important is that the students listening feel bad about themselves.

"Perseverance" is always a good message. You can end with that. "If you put yourself in very bad situations by not using a car and using a horse for transportation, you can make it." That's the meaningful message of Teshuva.
​
And no matter the lesson, end with Mashiach. They should feel guilty and thinking about Mashiach.
Say something like "speedily in these days." Great ender. Say it in Hebrew, people are cheering. Brilliant. Ended on a high. You gave an amazing Shmooz about not speaking Lashon Hara when traveling to a town in a wagon. End that with, "Lashon Hara speedily in our days," it's gold. The message is received.
You throw in a "speedily in our days" with a "support Israel in wagons," you can tour with that Shmooz. You're the Maggid.
And people feel like redemption is on its way, and they did not help with it. That is how you end your Shmooz.

Next time, we will speak of how to ask for an appeal correctly, and techniques for flipping the numbers on the cards. 

Last time we spoke of the Shmooz topics. A topic is enough. You tell them they're sinners, they hear that, they got the message. You can end on the topics. Nonetheless, they expect you to talk.
​Now we will discuss how to draw them into the sermon part of the Shmooz, where you delve into the Musar and keep their attention for forty-five minutes to two and a half hours, depending on how much you don't want to learn Gemara at afternoon Seder learning time.
You have the topic. Now you must hold their attention, tell a story, and make sure they understand the topic, the lesson. Here are some attention holding methods I've learned from rabbis over the years.

They already know that they speak Lashon Hara, and they haven't paid their dues. Now, you continue that message for an hour or so.

One way to hold their attention is to repeat the topic many times, in different ways. You tell the students, "You're not learning Torah enough. You skipped class. You missed Gemara Seder on Shabbis. You had a chance to learn over your break. You didn't learn then. You sneezed, which was a chance to learn Torah. But instead, you decided to sneeze. You even got up and got a tissue. More time wasted..." You get creative and before you know it, you've given a whole Shmooz on the topic of not being Mivatel Torah, not wasting time from learning Torah. And the whole time, they've learned no Torah.
The students walk away with nothing, knowing they need to learn. And over that period of your Shmooz, they've learned nothing.

A blank stare works very well for adding guilt. You stare at them for a good hour or so, they'll start to feel like they've done something wrong.
Mastering the stare technique of holding their attention without talking for the duration of your Shmooz isn't easy. However, once you get this down, you come in, you say "Tzedakah," you then look at them for an hour and a half. They'll get the message. An hour fifteen into the Shmooz, they'll be crying, admitting everything they've ever done wrong, due to the discomfort of being stared at. 

The Holocaust. That will get them to listen. A rabbi was giving a Shmooz about the importance of marriage. He lost everybody. Next thing you know, he said, "In the Holocaust..." Nothing to do with marriage or single people. But we were now listening. A brilliant attention grabber. 
If you're ever wondering if you lost their attention, say "The Holocaust" and you will get them right back. That wakes them up. Employ the greatest of tragedies and human suffering, and they will be ready to now focus on the importance of learning Torah and dating. 
It truly gets people's attention. You're giving over the message of charity and kindness. Next thing you know, you've lost everybody. Then you say "Holocaust." Everybody is ready to listen again. Now you can continue with your story about your child's Siddur party.
Only employ the Holocaust when people start to sleep. People hear Holocaust, they wake up. Though, I don't suggest you set your phone alarm to "Holocaust." That's not an easy way to wake up. 

You can bring in Torah. But nobody cares about that. You can mention a commentary like the Ramban. It's good stuff. But it doesn't add to your message. It's better to just say, "Rabbis say that you're a sinner."
Don't get me wrong. Sources are important. You have to let them know you know Torah. Thus, you hand out a source sheet. But it's a Shmooz. So, don't talk Torah. Nobody wants to hear Torah at the Shmooz. Hand out the source and tell them they're not learning it. And it's because they're sinners.

Get loud. A good yell. That gets their attention. That wakes them. Go right up to their face and scream "Torah!!!" They will remember that the next time they're learning Gemara and horrified.
I must say that nothing works better than saying "Holocaust." I personally am against using it, unless if you're talking about the Holocaust. Even so, sometimes you have something you want to share about your upcoming summer learning program, and the Holocaust helps bring home the message Torah and sports.

Choosing the correct method for you is not easy. You have to know your strengths. Myself, personally, my greatest strength is being late. Builds expectation.

Now that you've held their attention by exploiting the Holocaust, next time, we will discuss the telling of the story and how to finish off your Shmooz with a lesson. Ensuring that all the Talmedim feel shame.

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.

The Rama (493:2) teaches, one who has a Simcha during the Omer, such as a Bris or a Sheva Brachot, can shave. And thus we consider Yom HaAtzmaut a celebration. So that we can shave. That is how Zionism was formed.
The happiness, Simcha, of Israel’s independence is much greater than having to sit at another Sheva Brachot, where you have to hear family give more speeches. And it’s a day of festivity. Not a meal that you have to give a gift to go to- which is has a questioning if weddings are actual celebrations. And that is what is known as Psak (a Halachik ruling). And I can come up with a lot of other reasons to shave. Like my beard is itching on Yom HaAtzmaut.
Good Source- mizrachi.org/hamizrachi/do-the-customs-of-mourning-during-sefirat-haomer-apply-to-yom-haatzmaut

Rami Bar Chama (Sanhedrin 24b) says that in a game of dice the winner doesn’t have conclusive consent, that the guy is willing to give up his money, making him a thief. People are not putting down their money and saying, "Please take it. I worked a good year and a half for this. Figured playing dice was the way to go. It's fun. 150k. Why not." And therefore, he can’t be a witness. If you had those kinds of witnesses in court, the house would win every time.
Rashi teaches that the obligated party never meant to obligate himself. Thought he would win. And for this reason, he also shouldn’t be trusted in court. Because he’s an idiot.
It would appear, people don't like losing everything they own to a game of backgammon. "That was fun, and now I'm homeless. Maybe I should've thought it through. And now, let me tell you who is wrong in this case of family inheritance. Say. You play backgammon? Cards?"
Many Ashkenazim allow gambling by a game of no skill, thus permitting slot machines. You can only gamble if you’ll definitely lose your money, home, wife... If you’re willing to get taken for everything you have, you can still be a witness.
halachipedia.com/index.php?title=Gamblin

Rabbis say you can shave on Lag BOmer or right after. They don’t say, “Shave the rest of the year.” That’s why so many of my Frum friends are unkempt.
The rabbis have to be more exact in their rulings. "Shave when it's not the Omer. You should also shower the rest of the year. With Dial. It flows down the drain quite well."
 
People always ask, “Is Mother’s Day Asur?” There is drinking, gambling, and doing something kind for your parents. You should stay away from all of them.
Many rabbis say that every day is Mother’s Day. So, treat the day like every other day and honor your mother by doing nothing for her.
As a rabbi, I will say Mother’s Day is forbidden. It feels more religious to say it’s Asur, and to do nothing for your parents. I feel like a better Jew right now. Just saying something is forbidden makes me feel like I'm connecting to Gd.
Make sure Mother’s Day is not idol worship. Do not use Mother’s Day as a chance to bow down to your mom. Even if she makes the best tuna casserole.

Questions the Rabbis Have Never Been Asked: Is it OK to get drunk on Friday nights? Should I stop drinking alcohol at the Oneg? Is it a good idea to lose 150k to the casino? Am I wasting my time watching videos? Should I donate money to the Yeshiva? Does Kibud Av vEim mean I have to let my parents stay in our house?

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
I enact rabbinic decrees in locker rooms when I'm trying to relax in the Shvitz.

Rambam (Hilchot Teshuva 7:5) teaches "All prophets commanded us to do Teshuva.” Always telling us we have to repent. Always focused on the negative. Never, “You guys are doing great with the idols."
 
(Devarim 25:17–19) We are commanded to remember Amalek to erase their memory. And we’re commanded to read that, in order to remember them, to not remember them. It’s not easy, but we have to remember to not remember Amalek. You forget things by remembering them.
Please forget that I wrote that. But remember what I wrote, but only to not remember what I wrote.
 
Everybody must fight in a Milchemet Mitzvah. (Rambam Hilchot Melachim 5:2) A war to protect Israel from enemies “you force the nation to go out.” Rambam left out the part, “Unless if you’re Charedi.” I said it.

You should forget what I taught here. But remember what I taught, so you can forget it, to remember it.​

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

I don't know Cliff, but I do have his notes. Nonetheless, I don't like calling them Cliff's notes, as Megillat Esther is a Jewish thing. I also refuse to call them Cole's, as I have never met a Jew named Cole. We shall thus call these Kfir's Notes.
Let us begin Megillat Esther.

​Chapter 1
Achashverosh, the king, has a big party. Which means a lot of drunk people. That’s how you show your wealth. You spend it and ensure people have a hangover and puke.
It wasn't an ice cream party. You want to be popular, you throw a kegger. Not a custarder.

All happened in Persia. But we know that's Iran. You can't fool us. We know the Persians are the ones causing all the problems.
Jews say they’re Persian, Persian Jews, but we know. 
 
One-hundred-eighty-seven days of drinking. And not one of them showed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. People didn't get addicted back then. They just kept on drinking. Hence, no issues.
It wasn't one-hundred-eighty-seven days of vanilla strawberry swirl soft serve. Though, I would've loved that. 
Nowadays, you can't even get away with one day of coming home drunk without your wife going off on you. You need a king's edict just to have a shot.

These guys were in the palace, partying. Loving it. Until a woman talked. Women can truly kill a good half year of binge drinking.
At the end of the party, Achashverosh invites his wife to show her beauty. Somehow, she didn't like the sound of walking into a room of a bunch of drunk men, for them to check her out. I'm guessing, if he would've said he wanted to have a romantic candlelit dinner, she would've come. All dinners were candlelit back then. If a guy ever asks you to a candlelit dinner in the 500 BCEs, be suspicious. 
People were like, "Wait. Why are there no women?... Achshi. You're a cool guy and all. But a hundred-eighty-six days of Bros, that's a little much." They called him Achshi. After drinking with the king for half a year, you're buddies. Buddies shorten their buddies’ name. 

Vashti refuses come. Like the annoying wife, she tells him to sober up first. "I don't want to see you drunk."
This was the first time a woman expressed her opinion in Persia. It was scary. The wise men were in shock. "Hold on. These things talk. That's not good. Did she just make a decision. Every book I've ever read says these things listen to men and cook what man wants. But they don't talk... Opinions?! Next thing you know, every man in Persia will be stuck eating chicken curry and gazpacho."
So they get rid of Vashti, because women shouldn't talk.

The drunk men were not happy that Vashti did not allow them to hoot at her. Much argument takes place as to why women should not make decisions. But nobody has any good answers, as they couldn't ask women what they thought. One fool said, "We should ask a woman. Women have good ideas." They hung him.

The wise men decide it’s not good for women to make decisions. "We must stop them. Otherwise, we will have to come back home Saturday nights to be with the family." 
Vashti is gone. She is royalty no more, and an edict is sent out that men shall rule over their homes. And the homes of Persia become very messy. Schmutz everywhere.

And this is why we have the Ayatollah.
 
Chapter 2
Achashverosh realizes that getting rid of his wife was a bad decision. Not having a wife feels bad when you're sober and you don't have a decent series to watch. 
Being a king is not easy. You can't always depend on the harem and the concubines. You only have two-thousand in the harem. What do you with all the extra free time when you're not with the concubines.
This is where the saying "you only have one-thousand concubines" comes from. Later, people perverted Achashverosh's words to be, "You only have one wife."
 
​Achashverosh wakes up by himself and realizes he needs another one of these things. "I like these Vashti things. How do I get another one of these Vashti things?" The popular word for women in those days was "things." And it wasn't considered male chauvinism. Because women weren't allowed to talk, it was considered men's rights. According to men, you had men and things.

The men decided the best way to do get another one of these things was to bring a bunch of women into the house and wait another six months to see them. To which Achashverosh responded, "This feels like a Jewish engagement."

Mordechai tells Esther, his cousin who he raised, to go try out for the role of queen. A theater dad. See it all the time in the Jewish community. "Perform for the king. It's a good gig. Marrying the king is good money. It sets you up for life. A good pension."
Mordechai needed the money. We know this. In chapter four, he’s walking around in sackcloth.

Esther joins the harem for six months of perfume. In those days, they didn't have deodorant. It took a long time to get rid of the stench of the ghormeh sabzi.
Esther is liked by the people and the king likes her the most. He decides she’s instead of Vashti. And now she can talk to the king when summoned. She better talk to the king when summoned. You don't want to make a Vashti. Vashti was the slur used for a good hundred years for women who didn't summon upon being summoned.
No other woman is allowed to talk for fear of death. Which, to be honest, makes it easier to get in a word.
 
Mordechai heard these two guys, Bigtan and Teresh, planning to kill the king. They were still into this "No Women" protest thing. When they saw the Achashverosh was willing to talk to a woman, they started the "No Kings" protest. They truthfully just enjoyed protesting, and made good money off it. They had a few months where they had nothing to protest. They started a "Concubines Matter" rally. They even rallied for "Free Lydia," where they were shouting, "Kill all the Jews," because it's fun to say that. 
Through Esther, Mordechai tells Achashverosh that Bigtan and Teresh want to kill him, so they hang Bigtan and Teresh. End of that story. I don't believe Achashverosh took this to court.
And they put it in the chronicles. This way everybody can forget about. “’And we killed them.’ Anything else happen today… ‘And the king enjoyed the teriyaki sauce.’”
No last names. In the history of mankind there has never been another Bigtan and Teresh. People don't know this, but Bigtan was very small. His friends were going to nickname him LargeMass. But his buddies went with Bigtan, as it sounded less offensive. Teresh's nickname was "Teresh."

Conclusion
There were a lot of buddies in the days of Achashverosh.
And now you can't get drunk on Purim, or your wife will get mad at you. There's a reason for edicts.
And all because Vashti talked, women are set back to having to use perfume again. And there are another twenty-four-hundred years till women's rights, Bloomingdale's and community gardens are created.

I believe this is longer than the Megillah itself. We're only in chapter two, and we haven't even discussed soft serve ice cream. It might be more useful to skip Kfir's Notes and read the Megillah on Purim.

(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also has me thinking more when going down a flight of stairs.
To do repentance right, you want to make sure that you have a constant worry of death. And that is how you find happiness.
If you find yourself at a bar, as a religious Jew, always think of your friend choking on the peanuts. That will bring true joy. That and bringing up conversations of how we all die one day.

(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 320:9) You can walk on snow on Shabbat, even if your walking crushes it and makes water. Tell this to all the people that didn’t show up to shul last Shabbis. 

(Vayikra 19:17) “Don’t hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow...” I take this Mitzvah to heart and tell people off regularly.
I’m very good at telling people off. Sometimes I flip them the bird, to ensure I am fulfilling the commandment correctly. Especially when driving.

After Orlah (first three years when you can't eat of a tree's fruit), in the fourth year the fruit is Neta Revai and has Kedusha, holiness. If you live long enough you might be able to enjoy an apple.

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. 

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
​
A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.

Laws 1-4: Everything is made up of four things and then they die. That is science. Why I needed a whole year of high school chemistry to learn that is an anomaly.

Law 1: Everything comes from fire, wind, water and earth. Everything is formed from that. If you saw Captain Planet, you would know the fifth element is heart. And that is how you save the world. The Rambam didn't have sources like TBS. Just the Gemara. Which is why his facts may not have been a hundred percent correct.
 
Law 2: Fire and wind go up, and earth and water go down. Fire is hottest and dry earth is coldest. Fire is the lightest and earth is the heaviest. These four are the foundations of everything. That all makes sense, until it's in a plane. Modern technology can complicate the study of Torah a bit.
Everything has different extrapolations of these four, forming different beings and objects. ​And this explains how mermaids exist. This explains counterfeit coins. 
I studied ancient science. Ask me any question of any object and I can tell you the amount of what element is in it. "A cup full of water?" That is made up of a lot of water.
The four main elements combine. And they combine in different ways to make different beings. There are some people who just don’t look right. How too much wind can make for huge ears that don't match a face is a study in itself.
Some things have more fire, which is why they are warmer. Whereas stones are dry because they have a lot of earth. In some beings you'll see more cold. Like my ex.

Law 3: Everything, even gold and rubies, split back to the original values, and separates back to fire, wind, water and earth. To its foundations. 
So, is it really worth it to invest in gold? Is Mark Levin to be trusted in this case?

Law 4: Then why say by man that "to dust you will return." Because most of what he is made of is dust. Everything returns to its original source. Except for my sunglasses and my left glove. I can't find those. I have nice mitten for my right hand. Keeps it very warm.

Lesson: You will die. And you will become dust. And I have a mitten made of fire.

​Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that.
And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens.
 
(Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother.
“And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish.
Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags.
Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you.
 
(Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have.
Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law.

Laws 9-11: You think you know about the moon. The moon knows about you.

Law 9: Last thing to know about the planets is they are smart. So, planet shaming has to stop.
The spheres and stars have life to them. "They have souls, knowledge and intellect." They know Gd and they praise Him. And then we have to deal with a Chazin leading us in services, who hasn't talked to Gd one day in his life. 
They praise and glorify H' like the angels, according to their size and level. I have no idea exactly what this means, because I am not a planet. And I only made it to intermediate swimmers. The explanation seemingly given (in Peirush) is that they are constantly moving. In a sense, dancing. I’ll say, it is this dancing that allows them to praise H.’ And this is why Chasidim remind me of spheres. Plus, they dance in circles. 
I for one cannot say that the way the members of my shul walk around is actual dancing. What I saw on Simchat Torah was very out of shape people putting their arms on the person in front of them to brace themselves, in order not to fall. I did not see dancing or anything that resembled a prayer to H'. I did see people hoping their out of shape spouse doesn't get hurt.
So the planets are closer to Gd than us, and that should help you feel insignificant. I hope that inspires you. And their knowledge is greater than that of man. Which is why you never hear of a planet sharing a dumb idea in shul. You also don't see any of them on a committee.
To note, Peirush is a great name for a Peirush.

Laws 10-11: Gd created a type of matter that is not physical. When mixed with this matter, fire, wind, water and earth become what they are. Which is fire, wind, water and earth. Which is why I still have no idea what this matter is.
Unlike the spheres, fire, air, water and earth don't have a soul or knowledge, as they have predetermined movements, kind of like my math teacher who never smiled. 
Does this matter? Well yes. The matter does matter. Matter matters very much.
They have their ways, but they don't control them. They're not smart like the planets who are right now figuring out the cure for cancer.
We praise Gd for these forms of matter and what they produce, such as fire, snow and hail, as it is a constant reminder of Gd's might in this world. And they will ruin your home. They may not praise Gd, but they bring praise to Gd, especially on Lag BOmer, when you get a nice campfire and Kumzits singalong going. 
Don't feel bad for fire, air, water and earth. They don't know they don't have souls. Which is why I don't feel bad for that girl I broke up with years ago. Exactly. She has no soul.
They know not what they do. So, they are not chasing you. And this is why they are still fire, air, water and earth. If they had knowledge, they would've put together an insurance scheme.

Lessons: When you're learning laws, they are not always laws.
People who have a soul should take up expressive dance.
Respect the earth and recycle. Do what you can to protect the ozone layer. Move as much as you can, in praise of H,’ but do not use a car. Kills the atmosphere. And this is why religious Jews walk fast and are constantly running to do Mitzvot. It has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car.
I wasted all that time in school, reading those textbooks on geology the teacher gave me, when Saturn is so much smarter than her. And then I wasted time in chemistry. And astronomy. None of those books bring up the soul. Next time I take up science, I am going to stick to the Rambam. Science is spiritual.
Whenever you're down, just know the stars know a lot more than you. And that is science.

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. 
Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue.
Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally.

It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in.

​"Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important.
I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law.
Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy.

(Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams.
This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor.

(Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel.

(Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker.

Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times.
(19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun.
(19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural.
(19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season.
(19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner.
If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen.

And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door.
​
As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much.
Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul.

Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. 
On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel.

And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that.
​And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now.