Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness. Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter. The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you... Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy... Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves... (Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own. A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must. Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!" Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom... Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody... But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball... The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs... Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’. Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons... So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo... Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building... We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break... Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will... Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..." It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show. Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful. Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance... I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family... You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind... Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job. She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while... It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz... And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?... Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious. That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular. What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him... Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel? Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face? Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that. Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?! And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word... Rivka's Rundown The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments. It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone. The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants. Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired. The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity. It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews. Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time. The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job." The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card." It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke. They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work. The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here." It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing. Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Re'eh9/1/2024
Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew. Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul. Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses. We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go... H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah. So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself... (Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes... You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed. (Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game... ‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.' Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball. Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere... Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp. It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!! Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you... No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible... You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you. Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing. Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people. Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too. You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy. First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you... Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that... Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!! You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues. We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job. Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people... A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf. People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis. The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again. I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima. The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text. They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket. There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’ The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet. I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts. The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start. The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary. The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too. The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much. Tags:
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I think that means '10 Items or Less'
I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart. I Almost Hated Cheerios I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios. You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv. What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain. This line is moving fast. What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item. Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her? Judging Is Wrong Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work. Anybody Working at a Garage It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved. If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden. I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines. Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha6/23/2024
Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up. The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up. Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week. We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know. Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul. All classes this week are cancelled. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right... Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though... From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah... (Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault. We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am. (Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late... They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse. Things have to be done at the right time. Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome. Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd... Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?! Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing. The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew... Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees... We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out... But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach... Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva... A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?! You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times. Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them. That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club. The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair. Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time. The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them. The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well. So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’ They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’ The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class. It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up. It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that. It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around. Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us. They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie. A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are. They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers. The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave. Tags:
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Prelude
The security meeting was and the wise men and women of Chelm were worried because of the meeting. To quote Rivka, 'It was a meeting. That should worry anybody.' It turns out it was a committee meeting, which had people worried more. Some ran, worried they would have to volunteer. Discussion of the need for security was clear, as expressed by Moishele, 'Without security anything can happen.' And all of the wise men and women of Chelm agreed with the brilliance of Moishele. Security was now a necessity at all events, as nobody wanted anything to happen. Security was not enough though. People showed up to the Pesach concert and no community member wants that. It was noted at the Pesach concert, people showed up and that was dangerous. Nobody likes Yankel and he was there. 'Why did people come to the Pesach concert?' the community protested. After much discussion they concluded, 'Because they knew where it was.' 'Here we have another security concern,' Moishele interjected. And so it was in the books of Chelm. The Event Excited for the upcoming holiday of Israeli Independence Day, Lazer Shwartzawitz shouted, 'Who's going to the Yom HaAtzmaut parade of Jewish pride?' And Moishele, as the new head of security, as he spoke up at the meeting and he teaches Mishna at the Cheder, ensured that it will be safe. And all were ready to show how proud they were of their Jewishness in a safe undesignated location. Duvidel the party pooper answered, 'I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be...' Shouts of, 'Duvidel the fool. He has no idea what it means to be a proud Jew.' To which Duvidel continued, 'How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is? How do you show pride if you are afraid of people knowing where you are? Where do you walk on a parade if you can't be seen? How do you show up to "I don’t know where"?' Moishele cried out, 'You fool. You show pride by be being there.' To which Duvidel responded, 'Where is there?' And the wise men and women of Chelm were in shock by Duvidel's stupidity. Protests of, 'You cynic,' 'Duvidel the heretic who doesn't believe,' 'There goes Duvidel ruining another great program. He thinks he can't show to an event, just because he has no idea where it is. The little he knows...' were heard throughout Chelm. More Arguments Against Duvidel Who Doesn't Understand These Times Berel the Gabai interjected, 'In these times we have to be safe.' Fayge was so proud. 'My Gabai is so wise. He understands the need for security, as it is these times.' Shaindel agreed and said, 'These times.' No one could argue with 'these times.' As Fayge noted, 'It all makes sense when you say it like that. We definitely need security.' And the wise men and women of Chelm were more worried, as they heard 'these times.' A scary thing to hear about the Jewish people. Duvidel again asked a dumb question, 'What does these times mean?' And Duvidel caused another round of protests, 'That cynic. He should be ashamed. Doesn't understand "these times."' Menachem explained, 'It means these times. What kind of a heretic would argue with "these times"? Only one who does not care for his people. One who does not understand the power of a parade.' And Duvidel was again thrown out of the community for the third time in one meeting. How he kept interjecting after being thrown out is a miracle. How everybody knew where the meeting was in these times is another miracle. And what's worse is this board meeting, as all Jewish board meetings at my shul, was full of anti-Semites. And a standoff occurred, as all watched. Duvidel shot, 'At what times will you announce the location of an event?' Menachem shot back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel counterattacked, 'Then you will never announce where an event is.' Menachem came right back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel asked, 'What about at other times?' Menachem retorted, 'Only if those other times are not these times.' Duvidel re-retorted, 'But those will be these times.' To which Menachem said, 'You are correct.' The Event Was a Success When asked why so few people showed up to the event, Duvidel would say, 'They didn't know where it is.' And the wise men and women of Chelm would say, 'Because of Duvidel.' Shaindel spoke of the parade with great pride, 'It turned out to be very safe with eight people.' To this day, the organizers are still very happy that people didn't show. To quote Shirley, the head of the Jewish Federation, 'It was the safest event we ever had. And we are proud of that. It was also the most enjoyable Jewish event I ever attended during these times. Another amazing program. Hopefully next time we will have less Jews.' To which the wise men and women concurred. Epilogue And now the shul has security on all fronts, ensuring that Jews don't come. Yankel joined Duvidel and tried arguing, but the argument of 'these times' was so brilliantly phrased by the Gabai who said, 'In these times,' that everybody knew they needed to have security and safety. As it was these times, and that was true. And now they have more events than ever. Daily events. Every day at 7pm. Huge organized celebrations. And nobody knows where they are. And security can ensure that everybody is safe. Donors thought this was the best use of Jewish monies. Millions poured in for the security plans of not telling people about the location of events. Just the placards ran into the hundreds of thousands. And the consulting that had to be done to figure out where to put placards when they couldn't be seen was a whole other ordeal that had to be dealt with. The cost of figuring out where signs can't be took the community to a deficit. Yankel with Chutzpah asked, 'What about the Jewish day school. Educating our children.' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'You fool. School is not safe.' To which Yankel agreed. And the children didn't show up to the day school anymore. For their safety, every day they were told to show up to somewhere without being told where it was. And all of the children of Chelm were safe. The Jewish Federation of Chelm has gained huge support for these programs, raising millions of dollars. A group of dissenters developed when nobody could find a Kiddish that had no location. There is a limit. And that limit is not being able to find free food. To quote one of the dissenters, 'I will risk my life for Kugel and Kichel. Even during these times.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. The wise men and women didn't acre to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. Tags:
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In shul, you want to focus on your phone. (Photo: Times of Israel, by somebody who wasn't thinking about praying to Gd)
Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY After a full conversation with his children right outside of the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying. Sam: I didn't distract anybody. Member 5: This is distracting. Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin. Sam: No I didn't. Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.' Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening. Member 1: That was disruptive. Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me. Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt. Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.' Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven. Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.' Member 1: You stood right there. Member 1 points to a foot outside the door. You were right there. Member 3: The door was open. Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.' The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader. Sam: What's with him?! Scene 1 INT - SHUL - DAY (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER) A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock. You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people. Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul. Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there. Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening? Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call. Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls. You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation. The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated. Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall. Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud? Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him. Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?! Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell. Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project. There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again. Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha. Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me? Member 3: I think it's a grandkid. Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening. Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.' Scene 3 INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder. Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer. Member 5: Silence is relative to age. Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud. There is head nodding of agreement. Kibbitzer Conclusion When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion. The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven. And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception. Tags:
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Packages in Israel, making it much faster than my container did. (Photo: Gil Cohen Magen/AFP)
Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time. Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies. And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers. Donate Protein Bars Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.' Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach. Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started. Socks Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour. Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid. You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving. Give Money Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no. Give Money to FIDF I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization. Give Money to JNF They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though. These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea. Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees. Tzizit Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties. Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage. Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit. As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening. It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections. Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees. Tags:
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Our soldiers may not all have an accurate shot, but they are excellent with Pargiyot... anybody good with Pargiyot has heart (photo: unitedwithisrael.org)
Since the war began Jews all over the world have been trying to do their part in the effort and to support our soldiers. But 10k for a barbecue?!
The support is amazing. Thousands of volunteer and donation opportunities have developed, including babysitting my friend's child. He says nursery school in Lawrence is too much. What that has to do with Israel, I am not sure. He's extremely impressed with the Jewish community's willingness to give, and he also told me he's happy to take donations. Our soldiers have been a huge focus, as they should be. They are protecting our people, and they deserve the greatest show of support. Jewish communities around the world have taken it upon themselves to care for our Israeli military. Now the needs of our soldiers has somehow changed. The way to donate is to grill. And that costs 10k. Somehow, barbecues are now costing 10k. I get it. People want to give and we support our soldiers' protest against veganism. That's important. But 10k barbecues?! I heard the lowest donation for a BBQ is five thousand dollars, and I am simply questioning. I did research and I learned a lot. And I shall rant. Diaspora Communities Have Gotten Involved The soldiers originally needed tourniquets and chargers for cellphones. That changed once families are involved. Extended families, cousins, Jews who finally realized they're Jewish again, communities, some guy who started a nonprofit. Now they need electric grills, so volunteers have an easier time serving dinner in Gaza. Upper middle-class Jews from the Tri-state area got involved in the war, and that means you treat the Chayalim well. We pamper our soldiers. No soldier is left without decent accommodations, bedding and a ten-thousand-dollar barbie. Are 10k BBQs too much? I feel like Diaspora Jews getting involved is going to make our soldiers soft. Now we have people ensuring every Chayal gets a foot massage before going into Gaza. [Before going on, before people get mad, I know our soldiers are tough and they're not pampered by the IDF. Other than free bus rides, there are a tough crew. Now we can go on about 10k barbies...] 10K BBQs This is what got me. Are the soldiers celebrating Bar Mitzvahs? It used to be two hundred dollars. You could feed a unit for two hundred dollars. I remember, going with the family and feeding a base for two hundred dollars. Since the war started and communal care has surfaced, meal prices have gone up. Nobody wants your chicken dogs anymore. Keep your hot dogs for your pathetic family barbecue. The soldiers have become accustomed to better cuts. So, keep your ground meat unless if it's in slider form. Something has changed in the concept of war zone since the Young Israel of Cedarhurst got involved. And yes, it shocked me. Ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. I heard about this and I don't know what to think. I lived in Israel. You can feed the whole of Afula for 10k. Menachem from the Five Towns is Hyped Soldiers used to go to battle and that was it. They were happy to have proper clothing. The soldiers were asking for underwear. Why the army doesn't provide underwear is a different question. Menachem was explaining the newfound complexities of donations. Since the greater Jewish world is now involved, we don't send our soldiers to battle without a decent T-bone. To quote Menachem, ‘They're our soldiers. You treat them with respect. You don’t send soldiers out there without a steak. You don't give them a brisket. Prime rib. You go to the war, you go out fed. Prime. Five Stah. You go to the battle, you get a foot massage. It's rocky terrain. You give them a foot massage, then they go to Gaza. You make sure they see a musical. Did they see the Broadway... You bring them to New York. You donate tickets to Phantom, then they go to Lebanoan.’ To note, Menachem is taking donations. Menachem has never put on a uniform, not even to deliver mail. Menachem has never shot a gun. Menachem knows a guy whose sons friend has a buddy in the army. Menachem is now running the Israeli military; that's what he told me. He's running Tzahal and he knows they need better cookouts. He expressed that he was shocked the army doesn't provide soldiers with a rotisserie. 'Everybody in Cedarhurst has one!' Beef Jerky?! You can also donate beef jerky, just in case they missed the BBQ. I can't afford beef jerky. I believe beef jerky is the least economical food in existence. The only reason I show up to shul is the chance that some wealthy guy might be happy they had a grandchild and put out jerky. The soldiers asked for protein bars. I remember that. In the beginning it was bulletproof vests, night vision goggles and protein bars, to make sure our soldiers were well equipped. Now, we’re focusing on getting the garlic pepper and sweet and sour right. And the soldiers are not happy when it's not done right. They expect stuff now. Some South Africans insisted on biltong. One soldier wrote a letter saying the jerky was too wet. One unit head in Gaza complained jerky wasn't plated. I Wave to Soldiers Please don't tell me I don't give. I waved. I thought that was how we gave to our soldiers. I saw a tank and waved. I then said 'Kol Hakavod.' I believe I did my duty. I called that a donation. It costs less. That was satisfactory in the beginning. I would wave and bring chocolate chip cookies. That was what Israelis were doing in the beginning, to let the soldiers know we cared and to ensure we had the most out of shape army. I saw one guy giving them cigarettes. It was all a show of care and support. And blessings for health. Cookies Don't Cut It Anymore Now they don't want cookies. Now they're offended if there if the pasty is served before desert. If it's not a souffle they're offended. It's a Bar Mitzvah every day. If it doesn't come with whipped cream, who would think of such a thing. One Tzanchan commando was distraught his unit didn't have a smorgasbord; complaining, 'Who goes into Jabalia without pigs in a blanket.' I can go on for a long time about ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. One word for each dollar. It Worries Me When Families Get Too Involved in War Strategy This is what happens when mothers get involved in war. The soldiers get fed well, they get real out of shape, and their shirts get tucked in. Since when have Israeli soldiers tucked in their shirts?! Something is looking off. Since the greater Jewish community has gotten involved in the war effort and caring for the soldiers, the army has had a hard time focusing military strategy. You have soldiers being deployed and mothers ensuring they received their Ahava lotion moisturization aloe kit, worried our boys will come back with chapped skin, not fed decent home-cooked meal. Now they're focused on programs like lox for breakfast day. The IDF has turned into a Hadassah Brunch. I say we go back to asking the soldiers what they need. And I believe their answer will be barbecues, beef jerky, and foot massages. Whatever you do, I am sure the soldiers appreciate it. All said and done. Our soldiers deserve 10k barbecues and a conversation with Menachem before going out to war. And please know, as an Israeli citizen, I understand the fear of ending up with a Mangal. It's a huge letdown when you think you're showing up to a barbecue, and then you find this tiny matchbox sized grill with half a chicken dog on it. And please note that I donated some underwear I hadn't used in a while. If you're fine foreclosing on your home and would like to donate, go to grillingforisrael.com or unitedwithisrael.org. I am sure Friends of IDF also does BBQs... Todah Rabbah LGiborim Shelanu Tags:
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The bend in the upper back, very pious posture. That's a good holy look.
The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. Tags:
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Praying with Kavanah, silently in their seats. Other than the angry guy, these are people who don't know how to be noticed in shul.
The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you. Chuch a lot Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania. Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable. Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai. Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.' Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right. Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong. Pace This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job. Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job. The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s. Go Loud Every Once in a While Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh. Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi. Move Stuff Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed. Looks of Disapproval Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes. Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.' Ask for Tzedaka That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment. Talk Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul. I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.' Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect. A Really Big Hat A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana. These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed. You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed. Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong. If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud. Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch. Tags:
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They’re making each other mad. A whole shul of open seats, the guy in the middle is trying to figure out why they're all right on top of him.
I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me.
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday. Hugs A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys. The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another. Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer. Kids Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur. Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child. Shushing Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them. The Welcomer This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul. Conversation If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah. Takes the Cellphone Call Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes. Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul. Random Out Loud Hebrew Words The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy. I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups. Shemonah Esrei Out Loud The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently. Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying. Sitting Right Next to Me Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship. There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job. I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest. Walking Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling. Handshake Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening. The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them. Tags:
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Nobody in that shul is happy because they all decided to sit right on top of each other.
They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too. They Cough Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell. Sneeze I have never heard louder sneezes. I guess they feel comfortable. A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew. Chuchs Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch. As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160. These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun. Singing So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah. And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up. Breathing Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..' Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people. Standing Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!' Shuckling The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly. Wearing A Scarf Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida. Chair Movement How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews. Reconfigure the Shul How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah. It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys. Tags:
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No shul family event should start until there is fire for kids to run around. (photo: jewishboston.com)
Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.
Call it a Gala What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware. Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish. Festivate Your Table All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time. Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala. To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins. Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening. Menorah Lighting You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish. At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already. Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse. Gifts for Kids All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes. If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas. If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts. Bouncy House That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition. Chinese Auction Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians. What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China. A Dreidel Spinoff If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving. At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education. Latkes If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala. Tags:
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And they forgot their coats.
It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share. The 2am Trip The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep. I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses. I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. So Many People In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources. The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers. It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’ The Signs There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. People Wearing Israeli Flags People were wearing flags throughout the Mall. This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets. A Lot of People Taking Pictures Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist. Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X. I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture. Tons of New Yorkers Showed So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud. Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home' It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages. Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.' Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel I didn't expect that. I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally. One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel. I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much I was in the rally spirit. It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation. I clapped at times I want to take back right now: The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people. 'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do. 'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment. The Loud Speech Clap Ender They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding. Am Yisrael Chai I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah. That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping. It Was Very Peaceful There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America. I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me. And no counter-protesters got hurt. We Thanked the Security and the Police At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer. The Singers Were Amazing It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags. The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi. And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair. It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer. Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break. At that point, I really needed to go. It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York. Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping. Tags:
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Those drawings of support really kill the camouflage.
I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned.
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry. The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do. Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important. Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel. Worry Worrying is very important. Worry About Any Noise All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us. We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash. The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house. Pray A Lot A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it. Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management. Look at Your Phone Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good. Share Videos of Love For Israel Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again. If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.' Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. Kindness The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on. The kindness is never ending. Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’ It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping. Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart. Share Stuff on Social Media Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping. What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ Send Go Fund Mes to Other People Without having donated yourself. Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff. Going Out Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing. I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort. Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch. All the stories are so touching. Baking For Soldiers Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers. Cook The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza. Drawing If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. Donating Blood You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more. Try to Volunteer Good luck. You're competing with too many people. Do Not Pay Anybody Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck. Ask People How They Are Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.' Tell People to 'Stay Safe' If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life. Respond Positively to All Questions To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.' Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK. Protest If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel. There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week. I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm Tags:
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Kadoorie Mekor Haim Synagogue in Porto on Yom Kippur... photograph was taken from a surveillance camera. Nobody wants to take credit for this picture, so they call it surveillance. At least we know now who didn't show up.
Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. Tags:
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Not one nonprofit does not know where you live. They will find you, just to send you a Rosh Hashana Calendar.
How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these. Change Your Number Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you. Change Your Address Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work. Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere. Change Your Last Name Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them. Lose Your Job People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account. Say You're Single That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness. Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out. Join Another Sect Chabad will still find you. Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money They will tell you that you still have to tithe. Go to Olam Haba My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation. They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues. I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you. The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money. Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews. Tags:
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Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.
Weird Looks During Davening Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis. For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.' People Worried About You That means leftovers. 'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food. And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge. Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home. Random Shidduchim Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester. You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea. Everybody Trying to Set You Up When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook. Awkward Moments With Aunts When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them. People Are Protective of their Children Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit. When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary. Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you. They Will Call You a Child A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur. I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty. They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot. Comments That Make No Sense 'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.' They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away. This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante. They Will Expect You To Help If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time. If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary. Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first. If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you. Sit at the Kids Table They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?! At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!! Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids. If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook. Tags:
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That's the fully stocked pantry. They took the 'give what you can' part too literally... And then they just cans. The can part they also took literally.
I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful. Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor. What We Give Them is Wrong It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots. No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice. One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika. It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules. I Didn't Know What It Was I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots. Give Real Food I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children. It's a Setup And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.' And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong. This isn't Charity If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice. Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there. Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home? Ways to Practice Charity If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time. Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots. All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can. Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup. Tags:
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The hotel Pesach Seder in booth, for the authentic exodus experience for two. (Photo: Totally Jewish Travel)
This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.
How was the hotel? Expensive. How did you afford it? I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now. How much was it? Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace. How was the hotel? It wasn't our home. That was good. Did you do anything on vacation? We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home. You hate your home that much? When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital. How's your wife doing now? She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery. What else did you do at the resort? I ate. Did they have other activities? Yeah. A buffet. You seem a lot bigger. Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand. What did you eat? Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way. Sounds like you were on a mission. I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries. Your kids also got bigger. I made them eat lamb chops. Breakfast? Lamb chops. One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too. How were the Seders? The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice. How about yours? Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs. But yours... Your Seder? We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud. We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet. They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat. Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach? We won't stay home. What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel? Another mortgage. We're up to three now. What are the three mortgages for? Pesach hotels. Anything else? No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean. Was it a nice hotel at least? It was a motel. Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel? They cleaned it Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel? It was forty-five thousand dollars. Conclusion People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep. As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood. Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him. Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon. Tags:
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To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious. Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim. His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha. They can't even make a Kugel. They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics. I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them. They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei. They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum. I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?! They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin. Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.' He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis. They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them. Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda. They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there. They've never even been to Monsey. I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that. I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul. They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you. The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains. Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills. During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo. They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha. He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish. They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim. I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp. No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer. Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish. You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher. Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious. Tags:
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Questions People Ask Rabbis11/16/2022 
And every one of them has a question for the rebbe.
Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them. Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher? That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for. When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand? Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?' The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too. Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral? I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were. Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe? These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways. Is My Kitchen Kosher? After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean. Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos? That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant. How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On? I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown. I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs. Tags:
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This interview took place in the parking lot when I noticed that there were no spots left near the entrance of the shul. As I was getting out of my car, way down on the other side of the parking lot, Milt drove right up to the shul and took the handicapped parking spot. Ethel was being wheeled in on her walker from way down on the other side of the lot. The shul was packed.
What are you doing here? I'm here for Minyin. So, why are you... I can't talk. I've got to run. Exactly. And I saw you running at the JCC. How did you end up in this spot? I have a tag. Do you have a disability? I'm old. Old isn't a disability. Did you see my limp? But you were running in the gym? I'm old. No. Milt. You're in a good shape. You walk to shul on Shabbis. Gd does that for me. I don't know how it happens. He gives me the strength. Bless Him. The only day he gives me great strength is Shabbis, when I can't drive. So, the only day you have strength is Shabbis? When you can't drive. Praise Gd. B"H. Did your doctor give you the sticker? No. How did you get the disabled parking sticker? I inherited it from my wife. That was in the inheritance? It should've been. Milt. You don't inherit a hip fracture. You don't get the kids, the house and a broken hip. My wife passed. I'm sorry. She should have an Aliyas Nishama. We miss her. (No response from Milt. I think he was just thinking about the parking spot. He wasn't reminiscing about his wife and how he misses her. His wife was secondary to the conversation. The handicapped parking spot is what matters.) What about Ethel? She needs a wheelchair and somebody to push her. She didn't lose her spouse. She did lose her spouse. But that expired. Her husband past away twelve years ago. The handicap passes expire. I am sorry for your loss. Oh. How I miss her. We were together for so long. The parking sticker is all I have. Conclusion We missed almost all of Davening. More important than Minyin is a conversation. Any member of our community will get sidetracked and miss prayers if they get into a conversation. I had to leave in the middle of Milt's eulogy for the parking spot. I had to go pray. You can't argue with loss. He lost his wife. He deserves the spot. He didn't feel like she left him with enough. He needed the spot. When somebody passes, their family gets a parking spot at the shul. That must be the rule. They should turn it into a bereavement spot at shul. Whenever people say Kaddish, they get to park at the spot. It seems that even grandkids inherit disabled parking tags. Or it can be a seventy and older spot. All the members over seventy seem to have notes from their doctors. If they didn't inherit a good sticker, they get high dose prescription drugs and parking passes from their doctors. Bereavement or old people spots. If you ask me, the wheelchair is misleading. The people in wheelchairs have to walk from the other end of the lot. Tags:
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Places Shnurers Have Found Me9/14/2022 
No idea how Fizzers turned into Tzedaka. That's Chutzpah.
These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them. With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff. Here are some of the many places they've found me. Pizza Shops $2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book. I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it. Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels. Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. Shul I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar. And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. Walking I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur. I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you. Bus Stops I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop. The Kotel I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye. I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?' Woke up at a Park He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better. In Line at the Airport How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though. I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel. Shul At the Airport I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there. No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give. At My Seat I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart. The Grocery Store Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity. He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip. My Front Door I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar. I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared. Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. Soup Kitchen I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No. If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza. If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there. Tags:
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That's how the look when they know who you're going to marry. (Photo of Yente the Matchmaker in the 1971 film Fiddler on the Roof- via Digital Yiddish Theatre Project)
How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch. What are similarities? Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. And that's it? Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. That's it? Just Jewish? Yes. Jews are very similar. In what way? They're Jewish. Do you do research? I study. I’m a history buff. Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes? Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew. But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel. That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish. What are they? Frum. So, how do you set them up? I don't. I set up their parents. If their parents say yes, they get married. How do the parents know what the kid wants? The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. What do the kids want? I talk to the parents. How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews? Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them. How do you do that? If they both speak English. English. But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard. Exactly. Then how do you limit the options? I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married. How do you know it's right? God. God creates Shidduchim. Then what are you doing? Figuring out who's Jewish. Doesn't God know who's Jewish? It's a complicated matter. Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married? Yes. When I get the money. I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side. How do you charge? Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge. Not all marriages are good. That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings. 100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents. The documents? When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof. Do you work with the Shidduch resume? I’ve found many single people good jobs. Isn't the resume for finding people a match? If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important. Do you use it for anything else? Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities. What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven? Those guys live in Topeka. No chance. Then how will they meet somebody? I'll set them up. They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka. That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English? Yes. If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen. Conclusion Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up. I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.' The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married. In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance. The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English. I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem. Tags:
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Esav was mad his Birthright didn’t allow him a free trip to Israel… He was already there. You get it? Esav sold his birthright to Yaakov. Birthright gives free trips to Israel. Esav didn’t get that. That’s probably the reason he was mad at Yaakov. If he wasn’t living in Israel, he still wouldn’t have got it. They didn’t have Birthright back then. 
His modeling career took off with the Dr. Shtaygen’s collapsible Shtender. Some models are discovered in malls. Frum models are discovered in the Beit Midrash or at Essen on Coney... Different standards. The Frum model is going for a heavier look.
David Kilimnick’s One-man Reunion Tour
David performs his Original Songs of Israel Love and Peace such as 'Marzipan Rugulach' and 'Smack Your Little Kid'... Click on the picture for your tickets in Rochester
Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... teaching that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
12/8/2024
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