Our scholar-in-residence will be addressing ways to take in Nachis from your untalented child.
It’s come to the committee’s attention that parents are expressing pride in how great their kids are. Your children are not. We know them. They role on the shul floor. Something is wrong with them. They’re messed up. Mrs. Simkovitz. Your child’s not good at basketball. Or music. Or Torah. Sometimes love is unconditional. Give them that and accept failure. Take in Nachis from the love you give your child who is bad at piano.
 
Many women in our congregation don’t say “Hi” or acknowledge people. They’re only being rude because they’re good Jews. The rabbi would like the members to know, it’s Halacha to be unfriendly.
 
Chesed Opportunities: A shul welcoming committee. We need volunteers. We ask no Frum girls that just got back from seminary help. They’re good Jews and focused on Torah, and not saying “Hi.”
 
Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Treating People Like Dreck. How to Take Nachis- An Art Form Mastered by Our Congregants. What To Do with Children That Accomplish Nothing- A More In Depth Look at How Mrs. Simkovitz Still Has Nachis. Welcoming People and How Smiling Makes You Less Frum- A Guest Speaker from Mrs. Simkovitz's Daughter's Seminary.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We have the most untalented kids in our congregation. Yet, every parent takes pride in these things. The Nachis. That's what love does. It puts on Nachis blinders. It's only the parents. The community takes no pride. I've never seen a community member shouting out, "We are so proud of the way our little ones drop their lollipops on the floor."

I have to hear this Nachis thing all the time from the parents.
“You’ve got to see my kid. Just went shopping and picked out a shirt.” Ugliest shirt. The kid is not even just not athletic. Can’t pick out a shirt right. It was a tennis shirt. Who wears a tennis shirt when it's not tennis?! Not Frum people.
These kids have no talent. The art coming out of the day school. What they do with papier-mâché. It's a sad sight. I see their work and a tear comes to my eye. It looks like a bunch of hardened balloons. That's what their art looks like. Porridge on a balloon. And these parents take pride in it. It makes me feel sad. The amount these parents have to work to find Nachis. I saw the piano recital. The child isn't even talented enough to sit still at the piano. Mrs. Simkovitz must feel so dumb paying for that.
Nachis is how they justify the amount they pay for the lessons. They look at their child, hurt real bad on the inside and say, "That's my Nachis." And then the cost of Jewish day school. The amount of times I had to hear these off-tune kids singing "Mah Nishtana."
The parents in our shul need to show less love. It just hurts to see the hoops they have to jump through to find Nachis.
And then they sell it. "My Sarah Bracha. Did you see her read the certificate for everyone at the graduation." This is what you're selling to me?! A horrific reading of a piece of paper. The worst kindergarten graduation I've ever seen. Sarah Bracha was pathetic.
 
The scholar-in-residence had nothing to do with Judaism. Just came to help our congregants feel better about their unsuccessful children. I wish the Feldberg parents much luck with their Nachis. The Feldberg son is still living at the house. That's the talent the mother Schepps the Nachis about with her 28-year-old. "Our son is so good. He picks up groceries sometimes."
 
The Frum women just come off as rude. I appreciate the rabbi for letting us know this is Halacha. I don't think I've ever been greeted in the shul by one of the religious ones that's not the rebbetzin.
Malkie was a nice girl and then she learned to be not friendly. The rabbis taught her that at seminary. Mrs. Simkovitz’s girl is good at not being friendly. That’s something to take Nachis in. And rightfully so, she told me, "My girl is very holy. She can't associate with people like you."

​It seems to be a new thing, where religious women feel closer to Gd by being people who don't smile. A serious look of judgment. They have given me that. Maybe that's their greeting. To say, "You are going to Gehenim. Hell. That's what you represent."
 
At the welcoming committee meeting, they decided that not one Frum woman can be on it. I believe the whole shul is trying to figure out why they ignore everybody. They truly do. They especially ignore men. They're very good at it. How they meet and decide on marriage is beyond me.
I didn't know women were supposed to be ignored too. I guess it’s practice. SheLo Lishma Ba Lishma. When you do something not for the sake of the Mitzvah, it helps when you need to do the Mitzvah. They do it with the women so they can be better at being rude to the men. And they’re very good at it.
I think it has to do with my level of Frumkite, Jewish religiousness. If you only keep Shabbis and Kosher, it's as if you're a heretic. Which makes you just as Asur to talk to as a man. I asked the rabbi if that was the case, and he said it's my short sleeves. "It's because you wear short sleeves during the summer. You're a heretic. It's too bad your mom passed away. She would've at least taken Nachis in you."
If somebody was wearing a tennis shirt, I would understand not saying hi to that heretic. It's also the way those things fit. They're always tight. It's unbecoming. It's very uncomfortable to talk to people in tennis shirts. 

And it turns out, Pinchas is still single and can't find a girl to talk to in the shul.

The 22nd Maccabiah Games, known as the Jewish Olympics, are going on in Israel right now. I didn’t know about the first twenty-one. But they happened. And it turns out there are thousands of Jewish athletes. That’s good to know. Looking at my shul, I didn’t think there were Jews that exercise.
This whole Maccabiah Games is a beautiful thing. Jews should also get the chance to feel like they’re good at sports. They have the Paralympics Games, Youth Olympic Games, Special Olympics. Why should we not have an Olympics for Jews. People who are hard of keeping in shape.
The Maccabiah Games stand for Jewish identity, unity in heated competition and fights with Argentinians. Let us explore some of the beauty of this event that brings the community together, known as the Jewish Olympics for the husky and portly athlete. Our Jewish way of paying homage to hedonism and the Greek culture of the Hellenists that we don't give proper respect to on Chanukah. 

We Need Our Nation Together
Anything to get Jews to Israel. That's what I say. 
There are five thousand athletes at the Maccabiah this year, which is down from ten thousand in 2022. Five thousand athletes, from around thirty-five countries, that didn't make the Olympics. And some of those go to my JCC. Max Hyneman. I've never seen that guy move. Just the Shvitz. Sits in the Shivtz. That was his training. 
The Maccabiah was supposed to happen last year. Didn’t happen because of the 12 Day War. This is what Iran and Hezbollah do. They ruin Jewish programming.
I was going to go to Israel last summer myself. Iran truly kills summer plans. And then I was going to go this summer. Flights are crazy high. Iran and EL AL ruin summer plans. If the war would’ve been six days, we could’ve gotten some of the games last summer.
The 2022 games were postponed from 2021 due to COVID. At The Kibbitzer, we are beginning to think that the Maccabiah is bad luck. You want something bad to happen, plan the Maccabiah. 

The tagline for this year's Maccabiah is "More Than Ever." As Bibi expressed its beautiful message of unification of Israel and Diaspora Jewry, to mock the fact that there are less athletes than ever.

The Opening Event
It turns out many Olympians have competed in the Maccabiah, and people came to see them at the opening ceremonies. Nobody ever saw the compete. But they saw them at the ceremony. That’s what we like watching.
This is why people go to the Maccabiah. The flags, Israeli music, speakers. It's a Jewish community event, with a parade. When it comes to Israel, Jews love ceremonies and parades. The New York Israel Day Parades, Yom HaAtzmaut Parades, Gay Pride Parades. Put flags in there and it’s a ceremony. We love it.
It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. A sermon about Israel, with flags. Unity.

Nobody cares about the sports. We love the opening event and whatever ceremonies they do where they put the ribbon on people. We love seeing that person who wins getting honored. It’s like a community dinner and you don’t even have to give a donation. You just do the honoring part. Could care less about the competition.

​They had Tons of flags. Love it. That's what the Jewish Olympics should be. Israeli flags.
You could see huge Israeli flag at the opening ceremony stage.  The Israeli president and prime minister gave speeches. And I'm beginning to think Israel has an unfair advantage. A very strong home court advantage. I feel like this Maccabiah is rigged.
And for the anthem, for every Jew that wins, they play their nation's song. "Hatikvah."
It’s rigged. Rigged for Jewish unity.

The Sporting Events
It turns out they had sports competitions too. So, let’s talk about them. Nobody cared, but they had them. The opening parade was over. Iran, the PA and Hezbollah didn’t ruin it. Trump worked out another ceasefire for us.

The inclusive and unifying sports include:
Soccer. To ensure America loses.
Golf for people over sixty-five, so that people who can afford flights come to Israel.
Fencing. You never know what kind of armament Iran will resort to. We need people ready to fight. Iran has no navy and now the US is fighting against rowboats. Once we blow up their munitions, Hezbollah might pull out swords. 
Futsal, which is soccer again. To give Argentina another win.
Pickleball. At least somebody has accepted that a lot of Jews are showing. Jews don't like to move when playing sports. Our people don't want to break a sweat with athletics.
And we have Chess. I always asked how chess was considered a sport. It's the Israeli lobby in America. This is AIPAC's influence. This is where the seven thousand dollars goes.
Beach football. Another sport. Argentina needed another metal. All of Buenos Aires comes to the Maccabiah. Got to give them something.
Rugby. Have to have a sport for each country. Australia and South Africa deserve something.
No cricket or baseball. They wanted to be diplomatic. And they didn't want to give America a win.
Marathon. To see if anybody can finish in under five hours.
Squash. There's a guy showing up who plays it. He knows the rules. Give him a medal.
And tons of sports for 35 and over. These are the guys from my JCC. And not even the non-Jews. Not being Jewish is an unfair advantage. And that is why we have the Jewish Olympics.
No floor hockey. They don't want American Yeshiva boys showing up.

In the essence of Torah, I noticed that they keep the games not hedonistic, ensuring that we allow extremely out of shape people to compete. B"H we make everybody keep on their clothes.

Conclusion
We need people coming to Israel. This is why I support the Maccabiah. Not for the competition. I don't need to see the Jewish over sixty-five-year-olds losing their breath in The Marathon, while walking. We need the Jewish Olympics for touring. Really should've just had a Maccabiah Birthright tour.
I wish it would’ve been three weeks of opening ceremonies. That would be something to watch.

There are some great athletes competing, and that should bring our people some pried. They're the product of intermarriage, and questionable genealogy. The rabbis are looking into this.

And again, sports bring Jewish pride and our people together. Due to the message of unity, some athletes decided not to compete. Instead, they just hugged. Seeing them hug, spectators thought it was another judo match.
And Israel ended up winning. In Israel. This thing is rigged.

It should be noted that there are bottles of suntan lotion at all events, including indoor futsal. The mothers made it clear they don’t want their children being exposed to the sun. The Jewish mothers should not be worried. And the Maccabiah committee also wants to make it clear that their little balls of Nachis will not be Shvitzing.
In the end, the Charedi rabbis are against the Maccabiah. To quote, "Jewish boys and Jewish girls should not be playing futsal. Even if they're not playing it under the table, it's not modest."

I have a lot more to say.
Last week we focused on how much we hate men. We want to thank Elias Sacks for making it clear that you can still call a woman a woman, if it doesn’t offend people. Now I shall give you my full thoughts on the new JPS Gender Sensitive Tanakh, the RJPS and what I think should’ve been done. Please see Part I, so you have the basis for which to also complain about the JPS’s new version.
And here are my problems with sensitivity.

Your Rabbi’s Conclusion and Critique
I definitely have issues with this whole inclusivity thing. Next thing you know, congregants like me. Then they feel comfortable asking me questions. 
 
JPS just went to the next level. Could've said it was a Tanakh version where Gd is translated as Gd, as Gd doesn't have a gender, unless if we're talking about Gd's attributes or using anthropomorphism for us to connect. And they could’ve left the translation of “King” as “King.” That would make sense to me. As a king is a king and the Hebrew word for king is king. Catch this. Some things don’t make sense when you degenderize them. Such as my niece. And she is still my niece.

This inclusiveness offends me. And it belittles the Tanach by loading the title with terms like "Gender Sensitive."
Torah is not sensitive, and this attempt doesn’t help any person who believes in Torah. And I’m stuck trying to figure out why they call it The Gender Sensitive Tanakh. That's the "jarring" language. Must be that the idea of the RJPS Tanakh is to have a Bible out there for people who don’t like gender. A version of the Tanakh for non-religious people who won't read it.
Call it the 2026 Version. Or Tanakh for People Who Don't Like What Gd Thinks. Your rabbi would be fine with that.
I appreciate the idea that Gd can’t be defined as female or male. But are people that stupid that we need to translate the Tanakh incorrectly?!

We’re trying to make Gd more connectable, so we need a Tanakh that says Gd doesn't have any characteristics. A Tanach that doesn’t have the Tanach. “Scholars” should know that we can’t understand Gd. The fact that Gd throws us a bone by letting us feel like He has a hand, let the Torah give us that. It’s better than worshipping Baal.
 
We Need Other Versions
The JPS needs to be more inclusive. If they're going to do it right, they need more versions. There are so many people that are beyond gender. What about people that are beyond feelings. People that are beyond identification. Age. Age can totally mess people up. Nobody should be defined by how old they are. Numbers are very restrictive. 
JPS feels it's important to connect with the contemporary reader. Which means an American who hates identity and loves communism, and oppression of Jews. Father and Mother are too gender specific for Torah, as that supports the idea of family, and family is offensive to the contemporary reader. There should be The Communist JPS Version for those with Russian ancestry who miss the USSR. And for those who are feeling left out due to their Jew hatred, we need a The Revised Anti-Semite Version. Or The Revised JPS Version of Intolerance.
And what about those that don't believe in Gd? I still feel bad for those people. The Torah is not very inclusive of them. There is very little Baal in the Torah for the idol worshipping Torah fans. We need a The No God JPS Version. As long as "The" is in the title, I’m fine with the version.
The modern reader should be allowed to connect in their way. The way they want. That is the message of the RJPS. We need more versions. A version for everybody. It's already mid-2026. It’s been six months since that other version. We need "fresh eyes" on the Torah. The JPS Journal Tanakh where you get to write the Bible how you like. The JPS Coloring Book Tanakh. The Tickle Me Elmo Version of the Tanakh. We definitely need more of an array of The Heretic Tanakhs. Until we have these new editions out, the atheist will have to refer to Gd as "Gd." And that’s offensive.
The Atheist Sensitive Tanakh. That’s a seller. The Bible definitely does not do its job speaking to the atheist population.
There should be a The Muslim Brotherhood JPS Version put out for the contemporary reader who wants to bomb Israel and massacre the Jews. 
This is what "Gender Sensitive" in the title does. It mocks the simple idea they present of keeping Gd a little vague. For them to be vaguer in their translation is an argument, allowing for commentary. And that is fine, as we need more sources to allow us to argue with people who have no idea what they're talking about. We also need to give the Christian missionaries more sources to prove Jesus. Now they're going to be coming to us with proof that Jesus is “the person” of Gd. “Written right there in the RJPS version. It says ‘persons.’”

Final Thoughts
The Torah has to be the Torah. To me, that makes sense.
If they would just call it The Vague Version, I would be all in. It's the agenda behind the name that has me questioning if Moshe really said it. I never heard Moshe say "Gender Sensitive." Maybe when he suggested that the plague that slaughtered thousands of Jews in the desert wasn’t the worst thing, he was being a bit sensitive.
This "inclusiveness" is all loaded and it makes no sense. What kind of religion doesn’t allow you the joy of hating people.
 
Grapes of Wrath needs a new translation. Do people do it? Do people say "Tom Joad is jarring. We're going to change his name." Only "Drag Story Hour" does that. We need a JPS Drag Version for those who want to see humankind that way in nursery school.
Only the Bible is allowed to be constantly rewritten. Call it the JPS Commentary for People Who Have Their Thoughts.
Give it a few days, they're going to have to come out with a 2027 version, where referring to Gd as Gd is offensive. Somebody might have a thought, and we'll have to change the Bible again. The 2027 version of the JPS. The JJPS. The Jewish JPS Tanakh. The new version where the Torah is translated as the Torah. A version where somebody finally explains what a Tetragrammaton is.

The Gedolei Hador, the great rabbis of our generation, need to connect more with the contemporary reader. 
 
Get rid of the “Gender Sensitive” and your agenda. Call it a commentary and I’ll be fine. You did say that you made it a point to translate the words incorrectly. And that makes people feel better. “I love this Bible. Now I love the Tanakh. They totally botched it. Nothing like the original. Now it speaks to me.”
Commentaries are great when they make sense. And most commentaries mess up words. Listen to any of my sermons and you’ll see how supportive I am of mistranslating the Torah.

What we’re seeing here is the importance of the original language. To have a normal Torah, we need to get rid of the English. Have the Tanach in Hebrew only, so that we can be male chauvinistic as a people again. ​Something so that I can learn Torah again. A Torah where I don’t have to feel bad about offending Bethanie and her feelings about her recent breakup.
Thank Gd. If that's what I'm supposed to do to Him. Shoot. I messed this sentence up already. Thank The Eternal, they're not changing the Hebrew Bible. They tried, but they had a hard time changing the Hebrew in English.
Elias does say, "It's absolutely not the case that we're changing the Hebrew of the Tanach." Thank you for being sensitive and allowing Hebrew to be a language.

The goal is to "open up the Bible's world to the 21st century readers." And to let people know there’s an issue. It's old. That’s the issue with the Torah. It’s old. Stephen King didn’t write it. And I personally am changing the author to every Stephen King book. His name is jarring.
It's definitely not for Yeshiva guys. It's not offensive enough. I’m thinking the Yeshiva Bachurs are going to stick the Artscroll version. No issues with the translation. There we know it’s totally wrong. The Gender Insensitive Version for the Yeshiva Bachurs. Artscroll beat the JPS to that.

It’s their agenda and their new name. Torah with adjectives in the title is not Torah. I don't know if Gd should be going through an identity crisis. But now He is. You’re not going to get me to stop calling Gd “He.”
The Bible is supposed to offend people. The Gender Sensitive JPS Version is pandering to people who are not male chauvinists. And that is Biblically offensive.
 
All in all. Other than the Adam thing and the words that are feminine and masculine not staying feminine and masculine, I have no problem with the RJPS. See how I put the female before the male. Shoot. I probably just offended somebody again.
Call it a commentary, explain what a Tetragrammaton is, and which Transformer it’s part of, and I am fine with it.

​For the Jewish Publication Society's Tour of the RJPS with Elias go to Youtube.
Thank Gd somebody came around to fix His mistakes. Gd was never good at writing in English.

This is the review and it will take a while. In Part I, we will first focus on what the JPS presented. In Part II we will focus on my conclusion as your rabbi. Things take a while when you have to be sensitive. When have to explain that Gd is not as you explained Him. When you have to do something impossible and make people feel good about the Bible.
 
​JPS put out The Gender Sensitive Tanakh for the modern man, the RJPS version. I just said man. Already messed up. I'm never going to get this down. I spent too many years in Yeshiva. Wait. It's the Bible for the modern person. Now we can do this review.
We're living in an age where everybody has an identity issue. Some people don't know if they're man or woman. Why should Gd be left out.
Thus, the JPS has taken it upon themselves to rewrite the Torah. They decided to rewrite Gd's word. To be honest, if Gd knew of gender neutrality, He would've been more sensitive. He wouldn't have thrown in some of those commandments about pilgrimage holidays. He would’ve left out Mikvahs and went for pools. Pools are more gender sensitive. Pools with mixed swimming. Mixed swimming in bikinis. Unisex bikinis are gender sensitive. Point is, He would've called Adam "Adamah." Or "Ariel." Ariel is quite gender neutral. Shabbat. He would've let us do without that. Shabbat is quite gender specific.
If Gd would've known that people don't identify as men or women, He would’ve thought about His wording a little more. He would’ve gotten it right, and we wouldn’t have had to revise this thing.
There is language used in the Chumash. And that is offensive. Language is offensive. Gd is offensive. And Moshe was offensive when he called the Jews a nation. To use the word "nation." Not necessarily sensitive. "Persons." Persons says nation to me.
And so, we see that gender sensitive people need a new Bible.

I watched the video with Elias Sacks for help. YouTube. Elias gave a beautiful tour of The Gender Sensitive Tanakh on YouTube. And that’s what I call research. Hence, this is all scientific.
Before we go on, Elias made sure to note that this version of the Torah is not gender neutral. It's gender sensitive. So, I have misunderstood what the new JPS Tanakh is. Now I know. And I don’t know the difference between gender neutral and sensitive. It's definitely a more emotional Bible.
Before we go on, it must be stated, Elias made it clear, they are only rewriting the English Tanach. I was hoping for a new version of the Hebrew text. It turns out JPS will not be doing that anytime soon. Gd’s word in Hebrew is the same. The Hebrew version is still allowed to be offensive. As Israelis are very offensive. And I am now offended as an Israeli. But we are not here to talk about the Israeli Sensitive Tanach. A Tanach where people can pronounce Tanach. We are here to review the new JPS version.
 
The Review of What Elias Showed
Let's hear what Elias says.
Elias explains the new Tanakh is translated for "contemporary readers." JPS is focused on those readers. They’re not focused on archaic readers. Readers from the fifth to eighth century is not their focus.
This is why they changed the JPS Torah. The Torah has been the same since 1985. It's getting old. Crazy old. Outdated. Who's watching Cheers Anymore?! 
The 1985 version as opposed to the 1312 BCE version. The 1312 BCE English version has been revised countless times.
How many times is JPS going to change the Bible? I can't tell you. They haven't put out the racist version yet.

The 1985 version of the Bible translates Gd as a "Him." Who translates the Hebrew word “Oto” as “Him”? Other than Israelis and people who understand Hebrew, nobody does that.  
I always thought Gd was a guy. That seems to be a problem. Growing up in Yeshiva, I thought "he" was gender neutral. I thought "he" was a sensitive way to describe "him." I was wrong.
Yeshiva education is messed up. It turns out that the masculine form of the Hebrew language doesn’t always include women. And I have to stop referring to women as guys.

Elias explains that at points they use "person" or "them," as opposed to "woman" or "man." Which makes it harder to figure out who to date. Nonetheless, you refer to a person in plural form in gender neutral language. As gender neutral people are usually heavier. And fat shaming is fine in neutral people. You can always learn something new. And that’s what the RJPS version is here for.

They got rid of mankind. They erased mankind. Somebody had to do it. Our politicians haven’t succeeded yet. Elias says, "We try to avoid saying man or mankind." Adam as mankind in Bereishit is not good anymore. "Humanity" is how it’s expressed nowadays in many settings, such as when talking to heretics. And heretics are contemporary.
Truth is I can't stand mankind. They suck. Maybe humankind can do better. I’m still for "Ariel." Ariel covers every them.

Using masculine language "can sound jarring. It can sound intentional... can feel jarring unnatural disconcerting to emphasize the maleness." Which is a quote Elias stole from his wife.
And I hate men too. And that is why they are using gender neutral language intentionally. I hate men. Why should Gd be associated with those people. You see how used "people." I'm starting to get a hold of this.
It's wrong. "Deliberately casting Gd as male." Men bring a bad name on themselves. Gd doesn't need that reputation.

Elias expresses that Gd is beyond gender according to many scholars. I would agree. And thus, I am a scholar. "Some contemporary readers experience Gd as encompassing multiple genders. Not just male or female." Now I’m confused, like Gd. 
So Gd is she/they/thou/them/him/her/their/hers/his. Gd is a Forward Slash. And I think Gd is now offended. See how I capitalized “forward slash.”
Please don't tell me the RJPS stopped capitalizing Gd, because capitals are not gender sensitive.
They took out "King." King is male sounding. If you don’t get this by now, you’re an insensitive racist who hates people. Using King for Gd is a problem. Gd is just Gd. Somebody should’ve told this to Gd when He wrote the Torah and called Himself King. But need not worry, we’ll correct His mistakes.
They Might want to change Gd to "+." The attributes of Gd should be vague for the contemporary reader. Preciseness is offensive. I think Plus Sign says it all. Pluses and Forward Slashes.
The RJPS version allows the atheist to read "Gd" however they like.

Wait. Take that back. They are not using any pronouns for Gd. And no "they" either. But somebody can interpret Gd as "they" if they like. Though. The plus sign might stand. Maybe in the next version. My idea. That’s my interpretation.

They got rid of "Lord" as that also sounds male, and we hate men. All of us contemporary readers can agree we hate men, and we love the WNBA.
The Tetragrammaton is sometimes referred to as “Gd” or “The Eternal.” That makes sense, if I knew what the Tetragrammaton was. In the next version, maybe they should focus on translating Tetragrammaton into English. No idea what that means.

Later in his presentation Elias does make it clear that gender language is sometimes fine, and I appreciate that. Like when referring to a guy, you can say they're a guy. You can refer to a woman as a woman, if she's a woman. Though it might be illegal in certain states.

Elias realized they needed to go through the Tanach with "fresh eyes." The last three thousand five hundred years wasn't enough. It needed fresh eyes. Gd might have forgotten something. The fresh eyes looked at Bereishit 1:26-27 and decided that Adam should be translated as "humankind." And that is why I call my Israeli friend "Humankind."
Between us, this is really a discussion about Gd. And anybody who thinks Gd is a dude is an idiot.

There are other offensive words in the Bible, but Elias did not focus on them. Personally, I am going to skip the word "Behalotcha." I don't like it. It sounds jarring just to say it.

I want to thank Elias Sacks for giving the tour of the RJPS over in a soft intimate gender sensitive undertone. Thank you for making it sound not male. That would've been jarring.
At this point, we can all agree we hate men. And we all needed a new Bible to express that.

The Three Weeks begin this Wednesday night. The rabbi said that nobody has to raise their level of mourning in our shul.
To quote: “It’s depressing enough in this shul. Nobody has ever felt as much sadness as having to Daven with the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Each day with you, I mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.”
 
This week we celebrate wellness in our shul with Wellness Shabbat, as none of you are well. We’re going to be focusing on Bernie and the women with huge hats, who’ve been frowning since 1986.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Talking to Bernie and the Smug Frowning Hat Women. Keeping their attention is a great act of kindness to the rest of the congregants that can’t deal with them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Art of Bringing Down Everybody Else in Shul with Our Congregants. The Art of Sadness and Having to Deal with Our Congregants. Wellness and How to Keep Healthy by Staying Away from Our Membership. Mental Health and How You Stole it From Me. How Hard Chesed Is When You're in a Community Like Ours- A Mental Health Session.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
“It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.” No truer words have ever been spoken. You see the members of our shul and you want to move to Jerusalem. Or anywhere else.
It’s always Tisha BAv. If you ever had the egg salad at Kiddish, you would understand. It's disgusting. Our egg salad should be marketed as the Seudah Mafseket. The meal of sadness before Tisha BAv. Our egg salad and sitting with one of our members will get anybody into the Tisha BAv mood.
I don't think I've seen a smile since last Tisha BAv. Tisha BAv is a pick-me-up in our congregation. 
The rabbi went on in his sermon, "The Three Weeks between the sadness is a time of hardship and struggle. Every day at our shul is a struggle. Every time I sit with the board, it's hardship. You, my congregants, are hardship and struggle. You are the Diaspora. If there is one positive thing in Moshe's life, it's that you were not his congregants... But you were there. We were all there at Sinai. And you are the reason for Tisha BAv." I was so touched. Nobody could've put down Sarah Bracha like the rabbi did. Our congregation is the reason. I told the rabbi how much I appreciated him expressing my feelings.
 
What is Wellness Shabbat? Is that a commandment? I truthfully had no idea we had to be well. If being well was a Mitzvah, our congregation is full of a bunch of sinners.
Over Wellness Shabbat we spoke of mental illness, and they brought in examples from our congregation. Which meant the rabbi had a chance to go off on every single congregant's quirks. This included Chaim breathing through his nose. Which somehow bothers the rabbi. Cheryl using her finger to follow along in the Siddur also very much angers the rabbi. Lin not showing up to shul, the rabbi likes that.

It's the hats. That's it. That's why everybody frowns all the time. It's the hats and the Tisha BAv mood they all love. There's something about huge hats that has these women walking around all smug. The need to balance the Jewish fascinator brim hats, along with the weight, causes that look.

Bernie is annoying. I think that was the discussion of Wellness Shabbat. How do we deal with him? Him, Bernie, being our problem. That's where the rabbi was steering the conversation. Bernie and big hats.

The Jewish Family Services therapists should've focused their discussion of mental health on how to stay away from our membership. It doesn't take more than five minutes to come up with that diagnosis.
The therapists walked away from the group sessions not feeling well. In response to the Wellness Shabbat, the therapists suggested that for our mental health we all go to another shul.

Everybody in our religion has problems. That's what I garnered from the rabbi's message. And we all have OCD. That's what the Gabai who can't get a name right said of Jews. You call them up for an Aliyah, get their dad's name right. And then the therapists piggybacked on the OCD thing. They saw business opportunity in religious Jews being Midakdek. Being precise about what you do is a disease nowadays.
OCD is a good thing. That's what I say. It keeps people religious. Keeping Mitzvahs takes OCD. "I have to wake up on time for Shacharit." "I can't tie my right shoelace first. I'm not going to Gehenim." "We have to vacation in Florida this winter." And it keeps people from eating at my house. "I can't eat at Rivka's. She's not Frum enough."
They were selling that OCD therapy. They went with it. The therapists ended up giving out cards, telling each one of us, "Here. Take a card. You're religious. You have OCD. You need help."
The rabbi then somehow said that we shouldn't make ourselves sick from worrying about Mitzvahs for months on end. Now our congregants feel it's proper Biblical practice to not keep Pesach.
So, I guess the ending message of the OCD Wellness Shabbat was that we shouldn't be religious. And we shouldn't mourn for the Temple. Something is definitely off in my shul.

​The Jewish Family Services therapist speaker had a message about what she called a safe container community. We all need a community of people we can trust. People we feel comfortable around. People who care about us. She's an idiot. Apparently, she has no idea what a community is.
 
Did I leave out anything from my writing? OCD! You see. I have an issue. I edit sometimes.
If there are any grammatical mistakes, it's only because I'm healthy.

Baby naming this week by the Greenbaum family has everybody mad. It appears that everybody in the shul thought the Greenbaum’s new daughter should’ve been named after them. They chose to name their child after one of their family members, and for that, they want to apologize.
 
The rabbi encourages all to go to the breakaway Minyin. To quote the rabbi, “I can’t stand you. Please go to the Mitzkin Minyin.”
 
Chesed Opportunities: Visit Merwin. The guy is sick. He can’t move. He can’t talk. He’s probably the only one that won’t complain having to listen to you, Bernie.
 
Halacha Classes: How To Get Everybody Mad by Naming Your Child After Somebody. Breakaway Minyins- A History of How They Started and How Much Your Rabbis Can’t Stand Having to See Congregants. Why Visiting People Who Are Sick is More Useful Than Playing Bridge. Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Everybody in our community thought the Greenbaum girl should be named after them. They’re not even family. But they all feel they're important in the Greenbaum's life, as they have been there to eat at every Kiddish the Greenbaums have sponsored. 
Turns out the extended family was also mad about the baby naming. They said they named the girl after their great grandmother. The name made its way into the baby’s third name. That’s not even the middle name.
Some families do the family member's name as the middle name, so they never have to call the kid by the ancestor’s name. And they are also able to say that Rivka was named after Grandma Basya. How? I do not know.
Basya made her name into Bat Chen. Somehow, Rivka Chaya Bat Chen is named after Basya. No idea. Somebody is pulling the wool over the grandparent's eyes.
Is Bat part of Basya? Is that how their selling it? "We named our daughter after grandma by calling her the daughter of my wife." And that's why you disown family.
Who's Rivka? "A name we really liked." So, you're saying that you hate everybody's names in the family. All the people named after Grandma Basya have a horrendous very ugly name.
 
The rabbi loves the breakaway Minyin. He signed for five more years, and he doesn’t want the congregants to show. Any question he gets now, he says, “Go to the Mitzkin home for services.”
The rabbi is fine if there's no Minyin now. As long as the membership of the shul is not showing up to shul, he's happy.

It's amazing how people only visit people who are feeling good. They only visit people who are relaxing, watching TV. They only visit people who they can interrupt. People that don't want to see them. They think they're doing a favor, interrupting their friend's enjoyment.
They don't visit anybody sick. Sick people, who can't move, who can use a visitor. Somebody popping by to scratch them. A visitor to do Bikur Cholim, talk a little and scratch their back. 
Merwin needs visitors. He can't move right now, so bridge is out of the question. But somebody can scratch for him.
Since COVID, people don't visit the sick. Since COVID, the Mitzvah is to be selfish.
You would think Bernie would at least visit Merwin. To have an audience that can't complain about him talking too much. That's a dream for the older members of our shul. They talk, I don't listen, I show frustration. Merwin can't even move his mouth to show that he wants them to shut up and scratch the back of his arm.
I've started scratching people in nursing homes. They truly appreciate it. They come to Bingo, you can see they can barely move their chips onto the "o" row. There is no way they can reach their back. Sometimes, I scratch their knee. I have a feeling most elderly falls happen because people get a toe itch. They try to reach and there's the fall.
The Chesed Opportunity next week should be to go around scratching old people in nursing homes. We can get our junior congregation on that too. They're always scratching each other. 

"​Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation." I think that class was more of a statement by the rabbi. Support of the rabbi to visit the sick and for the rabbi to not have to see you, because you're annoying.

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.

Yiddish curses are great, but some of them are getting a little dated. One of my favorites is “may you fall back onto a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.” It's brilliant. Even so, I’ve never owned a pitchfork and I don’t know if you are supposed to keep it in the kitchen. 
We all want to curse our friends and family in creative and relevant ways. It may feel hopeless, but have no fear, America’s Rebbitzman has created some modern Yiddish-style curses for you to tell off your boss, spouse, or teenage child with.

• May your Instagram feed finally get one million likes, and may it be for the post listing your shiva details.
• Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, at least none of us will have to hear you Kvetch about it.
• Success is a journey, not a destination, so may you walk a thousand miles and never make it to where you are headed.
• Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently… or in your case, with a different pair of shoes.
• May you inherit a vast art collection, and may they all be NFTs.
• May you win The Lottery.
• May your life be so adventurous as to warrant documentaries by Netflix, HULU, and Vice.
• May your fast be the hardest thing you have to do all year, and may dropping dead be the easiest.

If you truly want to get across the point, you can always say it in Yiddish. זאָל אייער פאַסטן זיין די שווערסטע זאַך וואָס איר דאַרפט טאָן דאָס גאַנצע יאָר, און זאָל אַראָפּפאַלן טויט זיין די גרינגסטע
That will get them thinking.
The harshest curse is, "May you win The Lottery." That should be reserved for someone 

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash.
 
Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul.
Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on.
 
We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly.
There’s a ritual.

When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves...
Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool...

(Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it.
Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet...
If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts...
You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly.
Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants...
When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish...

If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose...
Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?...

Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven.
The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk???
Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough...
You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... 
It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this.
Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... 
It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker...

Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. 
You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice.
On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed...

It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie.
Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman...
Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk.
Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman...

If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah.
For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition.
Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings...
You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever.

After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin.
The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle.
Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays...
After all of this, we can celebrate. 

Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona...
There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot.

Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum.
If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that...
Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out...
Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun.
I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants.
Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering.

Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat.
Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum.
I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. 

Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul.

I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it.

Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about.

I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. 

I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot.
Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up.

The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services.
All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk.
​
They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late.
It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too.

They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team.

The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics.

We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. 
The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it.
So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker.
​The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish.

The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody.

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.

Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.”
 
The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews.
They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin.
 
We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it.

(Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.”
All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another...
This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk...

Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie.
How about renewing my contract. A raise...

Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time.  As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting.
I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too...
When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida...
When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself...
And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul.
And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for...

Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week.
BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you...
Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice...
You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking...

Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again...
The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva.
Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed...
Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!!

You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying...
It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?!
After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids...
And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore...
It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau...

I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing...
Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!...
So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean...
It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul...

The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran...
The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow...

(Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation...
A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door...
I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing.
The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy...

You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them...
The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions.
Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here.
We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope...

And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests...
Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing...
Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it.
It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... 

We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything.
Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff.

Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom...

What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. 
And it's great to have the youth here.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia.

Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing.
You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code.

With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people.

The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more.
The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik.

When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher.

Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend.
The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination."
And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants.

The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka.
The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him.

They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft.
You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker.

The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up."
Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left.

But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation.

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. 

Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter.

​We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.”

We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people.
We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks.​ The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. 
Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi.
(Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket.

Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right...

Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..."
The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest.
Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.”
And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin...

Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You...

Achi!!!
You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night...
​
Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd...
Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now?
I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards...
How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack...
If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace...
Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas.
And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything...

Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd.
At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill...
Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara...
Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation...
Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul...

Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing.

Are you content enough to cry?!
It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears.
Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry.

It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry...

The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together...

Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts.
The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats...

Rivka's Rundown
I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together.

​The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim.
Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest.

I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. 

The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace.
In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul.
Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend."
They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money.

Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards.

People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur.
Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. 
In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night.
Thank Gd for heat and Bingo.

The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had.
And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats.

The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. 
All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids.
Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd.
Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders.

So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo.
The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul.
Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo."
Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night.
It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had.
It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues.
I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew.
I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition.

Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva.

Announcements
We figured out who was stealing from Kiddish. It was Francine. And we are proud of our security team for taking her down and tackling her with rugulach in hand.
We want to thank our investigative team for noticing the member walking out with a shopping trolley full of Latkas Bakery baked goods. Why she took the egg salad is still a question nobody can answer. It tastes disgusting.
 
We are asking our congregants to smile. As we’re working on membership retention, we ask everybody to look as if they want to be at shul. We don’t believe there has been a look of non-anger coming from Pinchas since the guy has joined the shul.
 
People have been asking about the Thanksgiving menu. To celebrate America, the shul’s Thanksgiving dinner will consist of Kugel, borscht and Kishka. And pastrami.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Spot a Thief with a Granny Cart Full of Food- Discoveries in Detective Work by Our Shul's Security Task Force. How to Smile- How to Make it Look Like You’re Not Angry at Everybody at Shul. How to Smile Part Two- Joining Another Shul. What Makes a Food American- Our Congregants and Their Understanding of American Cuisine.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
After kicking him out, Avimelech comes to show Yitzchak some love, because Yitzchak has money... If you want people to love you, you need money. (Bereishit 26:28) Avimelech and his friends say, “We see that H’ is with you. And we said, ‘Let the oath between us be between us and you, and let’s make a covenant...” When you have money, you get covenants. Nobody is making a covenant with Chaim, who hasn't paid his dues... Here's a covenant. We'll call it paying your membership. 
Yitzchak rightfully asked (Bereishit 26:27) “Why have you come? You all hate me, and you sent me out.” Sounds like dealing with our neighbors in the Middle East and our board meetings...

But they go on and they tell us the truth of anti-Semites... Not that they think Jews can’t play basketball. (Bereishit 26:29) They continue, “If you do with us evil... Just as we haven’t molested you, and as we have done with you only good and sent you away in peace. Now you blessed of Gd.” That’s the kindness of an anti-Semite. "Well thank you for not molesting me.” If they do everything but kill you. Pogroms, forcing us from our homes, calling us cheap, congregants... You are cheap... You can be loved if you are a good Jew who does Mitzvahs too. Sometimes...
Sending away in peace means sending you off without molesting you. That’s kindness.

Sometimes it’s what they do to our land. They take our wells. As if that’s an act of kindness. When it comes to Jews, they're doing kindness. “We didn’t kill you. We just took all of your stuff.”
They want to hurt us... The only reason why not is a covenant with Avraham. They want that blessing of Gd. It’s hard to hate Jews, unless if you’re a member of our congregation.
And Avimelech doesn't even see it as antisemitism. It's accepted. It's normal. Like people showing up late to Minyin...

Avimelech sees the blessing of Gd. Where do the Jews see the Bracha? It is Rechovot where we see the blessing. (Bereishit 26:22) “For now H’ has made expanded space for us, and we can be fruitful in the land.” Rachav. Expanded.
Only once we have that space, can we be fruitful.
They were able to make a well there.
Let’s focus on our Bracha... That didn’t happen. Let’s focus on why we have no Bracha. No wells.
No Bracha in this shul. Absolutely no space. Those new joint chair shtenders. No arm room. Got Matt right behind you, breathing on you... Oh. He uses Crest. Did not know. Thank you, Shlomo. Crest is a blessing sometimes. Count your blessings.

They focus is us. Our focus is a place to serve Gd...
Only loving us when we are successful. Sounds like what Israel and our people deal with every day. But our shul is not successful. We don’t have cattle and herds. I don’t see a well anywhere in our community, or a feeding trough... All I see is people gorging at Kiddish... When people like and appreciate us here in Topeka, they are truly lovers of Jews. We must accept them.
But we need that blessing of expanded space. That is what we need for antisemitism to come to us and to want to be friends.
We know our enemies. Every committee in this shul... But Yitzchak’s focus is his Bracha for his people. Space. Not money. Space to do Mitzvot. To not steal our wells...

We found the perpetrators of the Kiddish thievery. Our own Philistines...
Stealing the egg salad is not a crime. That stuff is disgusting. If somebody walked into Shlomo’s house and took his clothes, that would not be stealing. That would be doing him and his wife a favor. They’re disgusting... A three-piece tweed. Tweed, Shlomo. Who wears tweed?! How do you have space for tweed?!... Not a blessing from Gd. Nobody likes people in tweed...
It was a granny cart. In shul. On Shabbis. It doesn't take a security team to figure this out. And no need to take Francine down. She's ninety-three.
If you figured out who was making the disgusting egg salad, that would be something to figure out. An investigation... They think they're Dragnet. "There's been an assault on the leftover herring."

Our Bracha comes from goodness. Greet everybody with a nice countenance... That’s not me. That’s Pirkei Avot. A nice countenance is what I don’t see here.
Nobody in this shul smiles. Like you’re mad to see people at shul. You come here and it looks like you’re taking care of your kids... You can't have a quorum of just yourself. That's not how quorums work. Bernie.
You chase people away. It looks like you want to kill them. And I can understand. Even with all the Bracha, with egg salad like that... The eggs chase people away from the shul.
Nobody can smile after they eat the Kiddish egg salad...

And when we have the Bracha, we celebrate. We make a covenant...
How we celebrate Thanksgiving is messed up. With deli. Like the Pilgrims descended on the Lower East Side... How is Kishka American?!...
Pastrami is not American. It’s deli... Delis in America do have it. Pizza is American... I was joking. Pasta and pizza are not American. Neither is chicken curry... I know Americans eat it. But...
Like the first words spoken in America were “Oy!”
The pilgrims weren't kicked out by Avimelech... They were fleeing the British. That's why they changed it from salt beef to corned beef. And that is why we eat Kosher Reuben sandwiches on Thanksgiving...

We should be blessed to build a well. To be in Rechovot. To be In Be’er Sheva. To antisemitism...
And this is why the Kansas City Chiefs lost last week. No Bracha. I think we’ll get blamed for that.

Are we looking for Bracha or love?! You will never get love here... Because our congregants are all broke. With messed up egg salad.
But we may find Bracha. If the members would give Sadie a little more room for her arms. These new chairs...
Shalom!!! Peace!!!

Rivka's Rundown
So now we know about antisemitism. And our congregants are the reason.
They're only nice to us when we're successful. That's why the nonJewish community here hates us.
But then they hate us when we're successful. We just can't be successful around them or not around them. It's confusing. I think it's like the rabbi said. It's because of Bernie.

The Christian inspirational speakers preach about money, and that is how they're blessed. Our rabbi speaks of people staying away from him and giving him space.

When the rabbi said count your blessings, people started actually counting. They thought it was a task.
We have no Bracha because the chairs in our shul are too small. This was the first time I ever heard the rabbi advocate for pews.

Shlomo sits in front of Matt. That's how he knows he uses Crest. The rabbi went off on him for not using Tiadent on Shabbis. The reason being that Tiadent is so potent, it kills all germs and makes it hard to talk. Which the rabbi feels is a blessing.
The rabbi pulled Baruch aside at Kiddish and let him know women might like him if he used Tiadent. Nothing about cologne. Just Tiadent. The rabbi had to explain that cologne in the mouth does not taste good.

It turns out they were using water in the egg salad. Water and cumin. Water makes cumin taste worse. A discovery made by our congregants. In Argentina, they came on dolce de leche by accident. In our shul, the sisterhood came on another bad recipe.

We had some detective work going on with the Kiddish thief fiasco. People stuck around after Kiddish last week to see what happened. They figured it out. It was Francine. The janitor took some too. He was the culprit, and he downed some of the gefilte fish. We all know.
The crazy thing is that they threw out the stuff they didn’t want. Who doesn't like the bottom of a babka?! It's the best part. Crystalized sugar with cinnamon. Amazing. If you have any taste, you smuggle the babka bits. And to be honest, that was very bothersome.
This week, Francine still snuck food out in her purse. This is why we don’t allow purses at shul. And we also know our congregants aren't giving donations.
Figuring out who was eating at Kiddish is the greatest piece of security work our Congregants on Patrol Security Force has done. They are taking a lot of pride in taking down a ninety-year-old who's hungry.
They had a celebration for their first sting operation.
​
Shlomo’s style is off with the tweed. He can also use a barber.
Lashon Hara is wrong. But we are helping Shlomo here. Everybody knows, so it’s not Lashon Hara. And that is why people have been meeting up to discuss Shlomo's life all week. 
It's nice that the shul is coming together to talk about how Shlomo is such a Yutz, and how they want to help him. And everybody talked, and catch this, now everybody thinks Shlomo is a Yutz. And that is how our community helps people.

Thanksgiving at our shul is a great way to celebrate European cuisine.
I didn't understand that corned beef is salt beef. The Puritans protested by using corn for everything. That was their protest against Britain. Now we know the reason for bourbon. 

The class on smiling was just awkward. Getting these people to smile is more painful than sitting next to Sadie. It was even more painful than having to look at Shlomo's tweed.
The most forced thing I ever saw. Fran smiling. I had nightmares. Our congregants smiling is not a Bracha.

As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. 
Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue.
Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally.

It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in.

​"Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important.
I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law.
Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy.

(Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams.
This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor.

(Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel.

(Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker.

Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times.
(19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun.
(19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural.
(19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season.
(19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner.
If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen.

And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door.
​
As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much.
Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul.

Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. 
On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel.

And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that.
​And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now.

Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. 
 
They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing.
 
We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur.
We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus.

(Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in...
You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears...
Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears...

At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week...
(Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room...
Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me...

We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it.
You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!!
These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it.
Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing.
LISTEN!!!

Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous.  
Just ask for forgiveness.
How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard...
Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... 

Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich.
At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that.
Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. 

We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... 
You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter...
It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing.
He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out...
It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people...
No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security...
You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in.
The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening...

Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning...

The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah...
It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah...
You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security…
Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. 
We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka.
Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth...

Rivka's Rundown
The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands.

The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old.
Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear.

The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. 

Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything.
If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house.
I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. 
The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here.
The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up.
So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing.

Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those.
I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count.

They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up.
I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul.
I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me.
I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." 
And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. 
I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul.

There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there.
By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep.

Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah.
The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit.
And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful.

Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that.
As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different.
By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it.

Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis.

Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul.

They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you.

They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you.

Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy."

Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis."

They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower.
By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers.
I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people.

I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'"
I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues.

And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food.

I don't know.
They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me.

LSimchas,
David

Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability.

I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick.
When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled.

They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far.
Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer?

I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. 
Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." 
"Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils.
It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate."

I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying.
Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?!

I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good.

At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them.
"And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person.

Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is.

I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven.
I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening.

And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff.
I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. 

I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey."

I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. 
I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot.

They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit.
By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t.
It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner?

LSimchas,
David

The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. 

This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long.
The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. 
He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot."
He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act.

The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out."
For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out.
Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages.
Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here?

The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a
After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava.
So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. 
On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut.
Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again.

Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?!
Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break.
The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder.
Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking."

They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. 
Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade.
 
The Conclusion- Gittin 57a
The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. 
Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing.
Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen.

Lessons of What Followed
Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party.

The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut.

Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host.
Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name."
You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it.
It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. 

People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.”

Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice.

Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago."

***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a.

It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians. 
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass.
We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. 
We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem.

BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass
Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them.

Act
Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem.
This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill.

Problem
a) People do not share.
b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too.
c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up.
d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work.
e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible.
In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers.
e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism.  
f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain.
Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One.

Solution
a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest.
b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers.
I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down.
c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops.
d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming.
e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up.
h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes.
i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail.
This will get the Temple rebuilt.

Backup Solution
More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City.

Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante.
 
End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. 
We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids.
 
The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.”
 
The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom...

(Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend...
We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah...
Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.”
There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism...

Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... 
This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom...
I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone...

What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom.
I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come.
July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element.
It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom...

Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?!
Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom.

Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people...
We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone...
Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise...

What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism...
Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it.
I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore...
I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is...
Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues...
It seems like you value water slides more than Torah.

The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board...

The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink.
Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven.

(Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom.
The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids.

The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. 

Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping.
The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house.

Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul.
The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.”

They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. 
At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American.

Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth."

Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself.

They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything.
There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants.
After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts.

It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. 

The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw.
The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth.

I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me.

It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done.
It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason.