The Shul Tehillim group will take place this Thursday. We will continue the reading in Hebrew. We don’t believe the understanding of words will help our members. Prayer is better from you in a language you don’t know. H’ would rather not hear your real thoughts.

We’re having another fundraiser dinner this week to honor.
Last year's annual dinner, the Schwartzs were offended. Only eight people came. We know people don’t like the shul, but to also not like Bernard and Henny Schwartz is something we didn’t foresee.
This week’s Shalishudis is in memory.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Stop Talking in the Back Left of the Shul. An act of kindness by keeping your mouths shut.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Chaya Understanding Davening Will Help Nobody & Other Problems She Has with the Shul Air-Conditioning System. The Chiyuv to Honor and Remember So the Shul and the Day School Can Make Money- Why we Need the Names and Other Reasons Nobody Donates to Our Shul. The Reason Nobody Likes the Men in the Back Left and Why Their Wives Send Them to Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul needs better aircon. We've been using the heating this summer, to cool down the sanctuary. It's like my nephew's car. It's like hanging in my uncle's house, who's trying to save money. It's like sitting in an old age home with a working air-conditioner.

What is the Tehillim group? It's a group of women who are planning to say Tehillim one day. But they do get together. And that is important itself.

Nobody understands a word they are saying. And that is what we call Davening. Some of the members don't even know what that word means. And those people are called heretics. They sometimes even pray in English, because that's what Apikorsim do. They try to understand what they're saying.
The rabbi has to speak out more against this people saying their prayers in a language they understand. We are now a shul with a good reputation of being Frum, because not one person understands what's going on.
The real thoughts of the membership is complaints. If they were to have Tehillim their way, they would be complaining to Gd about dues. Something about Kind David not having to pay membership fees and Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. Shacharit would be, "We hope Samantha doesn't make that egg salad again. Please make sure it's not Samantha's egg salad."
Chaya would be forgetting anything about Jerusalem, asking Gd for better air-conditioning. And that would be her only prayer for the people. "Can we get an aircon unit that hits the right front of the ladies' section."
 
“To honor.” That’s where it stopped. That is what the fundraiser is honoring. Honor.
No name. Just to honor. The board has taken into account the hurt of the Schwartz dinner. It will forever be known as the Schwartz dinner. The shul doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They want the synagogue name wiped from it. They had that annual dinner in the rabbi's backyard, at a picnic table. They don't want to hurt anybody, so now, all dinners are just "in honor."

The “in memory” for Shalishudis did not make sense. So, the third Shabbat meal is in memory of somebody. No idea who. That has nothing to do with offending anybody. They just forgot. I'm beginning to think, the board just forgot who they were honoring. They just left it "honor," and they're hoping somebody fesses. 
If people in our shul would stop forgetting stuff, that would be a miracle. The shul is like a memory care congregation.

I don't understand the honoring thing. And it's not even a Tefillah. It's not a prayer, I should understand. The tradition is to honor people for something. Never know what it is. It's a fundraiser dinner I have to go. That's what it is. Whatever the reason, you have to go.
Now I have to show to honor people and lose another $300?! Like going broke on Bar Mitzvahs isn’t enough?!
If you don't show up to a fundraiser, you're either against the shul or the family. Last year it was tough to tell, as people really hate the Schwartzs. The shul made a mistake honoring them. They thought that since everybody knows them, and talks about them, they should be honored. They didn't take into account that they're all talking about how much they can't stand them. 
We should have a dinner where nobody speaks Lashon Hara. A once-a-year dinner where nobody talks bad about these people.

Now, I hate organizations and people. And this past year, we've been able to pay off some of our mortgage.
I have no friends now on purpose, and I hate the shul. The shul knows it. I told the shul office I hate them, and they said, "You're a member."
 
Did they have to announce that nobody likes the Schwartzs. Some things are better not said. Now we all have to show up to their next dinner. I pray nobody honors these people again. That's my prayer when I go to shul. That's what I ask Gd for when I pray in a language I understand.
 
I can tell you that the shul lost money not mentioning names. You need the names to pull money from people. Nobody showed up to the Schwartz dinner, but they gave donations. No way out of that. The general donation given was a in honor of “I can’t stand the Schwartzs.” That's what the members wrote on their dedications for the donation. And the Chiyuv was fulfilled. And you didn’t have to spend a night at dinner with them. 
Why they read each donation at the dinner in the rabbi's backyard is messed up.

And the back left of the shul will not stop talking about how much they can't stand them. Mr. Schwartz has moved to the front of the shul. He still doesn't Daven. Yet, as he said, "I feel more comfortable where people can't talk." Since then, Mr. Schwartz has been the greatest advocate for no talking during Davening. Before that, the guy couldn't shut up. Can't stand him.
Nowhere in the Torah does it say that when you come into The Land that you should not take the Schwartzs with you.
And that is Lashon Hara about the Schwartzs.

With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, it's time to look at ourselves and to take an accounting. As such, it's important we focus on others and how they can improve. Many people out there are very annoying. There a lot of people I can't stand.
Here are character traits I've noticed at shul that we have to get rid of. And it seems a lot of people have them.

People who don't say hi. They know me. We Daven together every day. I think they notice me. They must. When I pass them, they seem angrier.
People who say hi in French. What are they trying to prove.
People who say Shabbat Shalom when I say "Good Shabbis." 
People who say Good Shabbis when I say "Shabbat Shalom."
People who say Guten Shabbis. I already said "Good Shabbis." Why are you correcting my Yiddish?! Are there grammatical mistakes in Yiddish?! If I don't read The Forward, are there grammatical mistakes?! In the Satmar community, are they worried about grammar?!
People who say Forvard, that were born in America.

People who correct me, and are not telling me I'm a bad Jew. I'm fine hearing I'm a bad Jew. I need Musar. If you say hi, you can tell me I'm a bad Jew.
Somebody didn't say hi to me the other day and I don't know if I'm going to get over it.
People who smell bad.
People who take off their shoes. This isn't the Temple. Your kid just threw a lollipop and I stepped on it.
People I don't want to say hi to.

People who don't hold the door open. Where are you rushing to? If you're going to shul, you're not running to the sanctuary. If you're a member of my shul, you're not in good enough shape to run.
People who don't say thank you. 
People who I hold the door for who don't say thank you. Every kid in the shul. The not appreciative pieces of Gehenim.
Their parents. By the way, where are they. 
Anybody who's entitled. And I don't think we should give the executive director another raise.
Anybody who is not appreciative. And I'm not talking about Chanukah Gelt. That's not actually money. I just learned about that.
People who don't give a thank you nod. I like thank you nods. I feel they're more universal for those who can't hear. Which is everybody in my shul during Torah reading. All talking very loud. I'll explain. I like people who explain. That takes away the guessing. When they explain, it's clear they don't like me.

People who are too religious. People who are heretics. Anybody who doesn't Daven the way I like.
People who argue with me when I give a Dvar Torah. I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. You can be fine with it too.
People who feel a need to push the idea they have that there's no Gd. And what are they doing in shul?! This is why we have to start charging for potato kugel. People like it. And some of those people don't say Brachas. 
People who ask me for forgiveness and then tell me what they did. That didn't help the relationship.

People who walk in the back of the sanctuary. Get your steps in at home. If you think you’re getting into shape at shul, look around at the congregants. Nobody is in shape at our shul.
People who walk backwards from the ark. And you wonder how people get injured.
Snobby people. How snobby can you be when you're a Frum Jew wearing a white shirt?! The cool cats that have five friends who consider each other cool. Again. You're wearing a white shirt! If not, you're wearing a shirt with colors on it, to stand out. Which means you've went out of your way to be cool, and you're going to Gehenim. Point is, if you're wearing a shirt, you're not cool and you should be accepting of everybody. Point is, don't be an --- ----.

People who don't smile. I know you're not happy. Smile. I'm not happy to have to see you either.
I get it. It's shul. You have to see these people too. Got to put on that smug face, make Davening and life worse. ​Welcome to shul. Where angry people come to pray together, as a community, before Gd.
People who learn too much. They then think it's a good idea for you to learn too.
Kids. How did these guys make it into the community. Kids is a character trait. Also known as people who don't clean up after themselves.
People who don't help. Those are people known as members.
People who take helping too seriously. They scare other people.

People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
People who come in and just sit. You've been coming to shul for eighteen years. You've seen Maurice sitting there for eighteen years. Would you not think that seat is Maurice's. I see a kid winning at musical chairs. I kick them out. Let them know they're inconsiderate. The wayward child.
Any youth director who thinks musical chairs is a fun game. They’re a Rasha.
People who don't say anything to the guy sitting in Maurice's chair.
People who don't say anything when people smell bad. That leads to Lashon Hara.
And then, I'm considered rude for saying something.
People who don't speak Lashon Hara. Ruining every conversation. Keep your not speaking Lashon Hara to yourself. Or don't come to Kiddish.

​The ignoring people. You see me. I see you. The guy didn't say hi to me. I will not let it go.
People who ignore you and then they expect you to want to talk to them. Why? Because a cool guy in a white shirt is talking to you.
People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
Mrs. Feldblum's hat. That's a character trait.

People who take too long with their Davening. They're making you wait. It doesn't take that long to say Shema, if you don't understand it.
People who don't go to the Kiddish table and take as much as they can. They're snobs. Do they think they're better than everybody else, not getting violent.
It's good to get it out.
Not friendly people. Again, we are all religious Jews. If you think you're cool because your Kippah looks like it's about to slide off the side of your head, now do you understand.
People who talk about others. There's a reason. I can't stand them either. This should be allowed.

People who don't visit the elderly. Are you expecting Ethel and Merv to wheelchair themselves out of the nursing home to wish you a Shana Tova?! Ehtel and Merv who bought the shul.
None appreciative pieces of Gehenim. I think I said that. I hope you appreciate my helping you get it out before Yom Kippur.
People who make a turn and don't signal. There is no place in the community of Gd for them.
People who cut off Maurice. 
I am mad on behalf of Maurice.
There are so many more people I can’t stand. If the board would just kick these people out, we would finally witness the redemption.

Truth is, we need these people. Without these annoying people, we wouldn’t have community. We would have nice people who get along. And that’s not a congregation.
Redemption would ruin our membership. I would come to shul, having to see people smiling at me, thanking me for holding the door for them, while they wheel in Ethel for a Yom Kippur Davening that's over in an hour and a half. It wouldn't be shul.
 
Note from me: This statement here is my "Hineni" prayer. It is my pleasure to share it with you, as I lead my flock this High Holiday season. It's my Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev prayer on behalf of my congregation.

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.

Tolerance is the issue. The board discussed it. We realize our shul has too much tolerance. This is why Davening is long, Melvin still tells his jokes, and people with no personality join the board. 
There will be a board meeting this week to discuss if the shul should tolerate members. Members are very annoying.

Due to Aliyah Card success and our rabbi’s new Keebud Honors Card business, we’ve opened up the cards to many new shul Kavods and requirements. New cards include: “Have to Give a Kiddish Cards” which will be given to the Felzowitz Mishpuchi who have never sponsored Kiddish. The Felzowitz family who eats at every Kiddish like they’re not going to find lunch. “Please shut your mouth” for the congregants in the back left. And “Please Do Not Come to Shul. I believe we already have a Minyin” to keep Bernie out.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re looking for people to smile so I won’t want to shoot myself when I see congregants. To quote the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Tolerance & How That Leads to Members with Ideas. When Telling People to Shut Their Mouths with a Card That Says to "Shut Up" Doesn't Keep Them from Talking During Your Sermon- The Art of Speaking to People You Want to Hurt. Kiddish Sponsorship and How Much the Felzowitz Family Eats for Free. Smiling and How People Might Not Hate You- The Art of Not Being a Jerk in Halacha.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
I’m all for less tolerance. I don't need to hear about Melvin's mother-in-law anymore. He keeps on telling me how he enjoys taking her to the airport. How that's his favorite part of her trips. I'm beginning to think he truly doesn't like her. Either that, or he likes to repeat his jokes. He also said something about being successful to not please his wife, but to spite his mother-in-law.
This tolerance thing is setting us back a few years in the development of America. Whatever happened to freedom to hate? I can't say I hate people anymore, unless if it's Caitlin Clark. I have to tolerate people Chuching and coughing up phlegm in shul now. It's not fine to say, "You're disgusting. Get out of here, you heretic." It's just very annoying. I have to accept the other congregants.
The board meetings are painful now too. The president gave a speech on tolerance, and how we have to accept other people. The whole time, I wanted to tell her to shut up. The speech took an hour. Nobody could interrupt her. That would've been intolerant. Turns out intolerance of stupidity is also not allowed.
 
Due to all the new honor cards, everybody in our shul now gets honored. Samantha was honored with the biggest hat. She got a card for that. Pinny was honored with "The Oldest Single Guy Who Has Never Been Married." He also got a card to remind him he doesn't wear a Tallit. I feel like the cards are now turning into a way to mock people. And it adds a level of mockingness when the cards read “Honored With.” “Honored with The Oldest Guy Who Has Never Been Married. Honored with Loneliness.”
Paul got a card that read "The Guy with the Mustache People Comment On." Paul didn't even know everybody was talking about it. Though, it's ugly as sin.
The people who didn’t give a Kiddish in honor of their sons Bar Mitzvah. That was a card. “Honored with Being Cheap.” They got a card and a bill.
“Not Athletic.” Gave that card to Pinny. Pinny is now not athletic and very single.
 
The rabbi also started pulling in tons of money when he realized that they need English on the cards too. Doubled the business. Hebrew and English cards. He's branching out to Spanish and Portuguese.

At the board meeting about tolerance, nothing about ethnicity or race was brought up. Everybody already agrees we shouldn't tolerate others. It was however decided that we have to tolerate members. Otherwise, we will have no use for the Aliyah Cards. Even so, all agreed that members are very annoying and should be hated. All who agreed are members of the shul.

Not one smile. The rabbi's class on smiling didn't work. Even with their smiles, I still hated all the people who showed up. Maybe it's their smiles. Even when they smile it makes me mad. When our congregants smile, it's like watching a bunch of villains. Their eyes open wide and it looks like they want to kill me. But I have to tolerate that. If they pay dues, I have to tolerate.

We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

This Tisha BAv we’ll be sitting on the floor. The way renovations are going, that’s the most comfortable way to sit in our shul.
 
Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, is the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. And we want to blame Bernie for that.
 
The rabbi’s note of the week: Everything at Kiddish is great. But the egg salad is disgusting. He believes that we are still in exile because of the person making the egg salad. They’re causing Sinat Chinam.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Teach Fran how to make egg salad. We need somebody to teach Fran how to purchase eggs and peel them. And we need a therapist to explain that pre-peeled eggs are disgusting.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: When Mourning Is Too Much- Renovations That Don’t End. The Isur of Using Pre-Peeled Eggs- How to Ruin Shabbat for Me and What Could Be a Good Egg Salad. Fran's Egg Salad and What Destruction Tastes Like. How Our Members Caused the Destruction of The Temple- How Descendents Affected the Past and How the Thought of Bernie Can Kill a Really Good Day and Generation.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We always sit on the floor for Tisha BAv. I think the rabbi was just making a point that the board is full of a bunch of idiots.
Usually our members sit on steps, because they can't bend that much. We have a very out of shape congregation. The most agile member can sit on a chair by holding onto the armrests. That's the extent of our agility. Holding an armrest to brace the fall onto the chairs. Our members don't sit. We fall onto chairs. And for Tisha BAv, we fall onto the stairs. Our members sitting for Tisha BAv need CNA help. We need nurse aides in our shul to ensure the congregants can get up. I see a congregant on the floor, there's an issue.
We don't even have steps to sit on now. That's real mourning. With the renovations, it's just flat concrete floor.
Renovations are disgustingly slow. They have the destruction thing down. Our board is very good at ruining things. They've destroyed the shul real well. It's the perfect Tisha BAv at our shul. You want to celebrate Tisha BAv, come to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
That's what happened with the destruction of the Temples. It was a renovations committee who got the destruction part down and then left it for a year. And they never got to the renovations. It was our board and renovations committee. And members who don't pay dues. And exile.

And then the baseless hatred. Our congregation has a lot of hate. The members of our shul are a good reason to hate. I would have to say, we did not cause baseless hatred. There is reason to hate the other members of our shul. With their hats, and the bad jokes they repeat, and the messed-up egg salad. There are a lot of very good reasons to hate our membership. If we were around in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, they would be able to say to Gd that they had a reason. It would be a Mitzvah to hate Bernie.

Fran doesn't get it. The eggs are disgusting. Pre-peeled eggs. There's something about them. It might be the vinegar they sit in. Whatever it is, it causes everybody to hate Fran.
Every problem in our shul comes back to Fran's egg salad.
Fran's egg salad did get me through Tisha BAv. When I was down and thinking I can't make it through the fast, I thought of her egg salad. It kind of made me never want to eat again. Thinking of Fran's egg salad actually made Tisha BAv a joy. It made it feel like mourning is a good thing.
Most people eat the egg with ashes before Tisha BAv, known as the Seudah Mafseket. I just had Fran's egg salad. Felt the destruction right there.

Being around our members, I'm truly in a constant state of Tisha BAv.

Our scholar-in-residence will be addressing ways to take in Nachis from your untalented child.
It’s come to the committee’s attention that parents are expressing pride in how great their kids are. Your children are not. We know them. They role on the shul floor. Something is wrong with them. They’re messed up. Mrs. Simkovitz. Your child’s not good at basketball. Or music. Or Torah. Sometimes love is unconditional. Give them that and accept failure. Take in Nachis from the love you give your child who is bad at piano.
 
Many women in our congregation don’t say “Hi” or acknowledge people. They’re only being rude because they’re good Jews. The rabbi would like the members to know, it’s Halacha to be unfriendly.
 
Chesed Opportunities: A shul welcoming committee. We need volunteers. We ask no Frum girls that just got back from seminary help. They’re good Jews and focused on Torah, and not saying “Hi.”
 
Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Treating People Like Dreck. How to Take Nachis- An Art Form Mastered by Our Congregants. What To Do with Children That Accomplish Nothing- A More In Depth Look at How Mrs. Simkovitz Still Has Nachis. Welcoming People and How Smiling Makes You Less Frum- A Guest Speaker from Mrs. Simkovitz's Daughter's Seminary.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We have the most untalented kids in our congregation. Yet, every parent takes pride in these things. The Nachis. That's what love does. It puts on Nachis blinders. It's only the parents. The community takes no pride. I've never seen a community member shouting out, "We are so proud of the way our little ones drop their lollipops on the floor."

I have to hear this Nachis thing all the time from the parents.
“You’ve got to see my kid. Just went shopping and picked out a shirt.” Ugliest shirt. The kid is not even just not athletic. Can’t pick out a shirt right. It was a tennis shirt. Who wears a tennis shirt when it's not tennis?! Not Frum people.
These kids have no talent. The art coming out of the day school. What they do with papier-mâché. It's a sad sight. I see their work and a tear comes to my eye. It looks like a bunch of hardened balloons. That's what their art looks like. Porridge on a balloon. And these parents take pride in it. It makes me feel sad. The amount these parents have to work to find Nachis. I saw the piano recital. The child isn't even talented enough to sit still at the piano. Mrs. Simkovitz must feel so dumb paying for that.
Nachis is how they justify the amount they pay for the lessons. They look at their child, hurt real bad on the inside and say, "That's my Nachis." And then the cost of Jewish day school. The amount of times I had to hear these off-tune kids singing "Mah Nishtana."
The parents in our shul need to show less love. It just hurts to see the hoops they have to jump through to find Nachis.
And then they sell it. "My Sarah Bracha. Did you see her read the certificate for everyone at the graduation." This is what you're selling to me?! A horrific reading of a piece of paper. The worst kindergarten graduation I've ever seen. Sarah Bracha was pathetic.
 
The scholar-in-residence had nothing to do with Judaism. Just came to help our congregants feel better about their unsuccessful children. I wish the Feldberg parents much luck with their Nachis. The Feldberg son is still living at the house. That's the talent the mother Schepps the Nachis about with her 28-year-old. "Our son is so good. He picks up groceries sometimes."
 
The Frum women just come off as rude. I appreciate the rabbi for letting us know this is Halacha. I don't think I've ever been greeted in the shul by one of the religious ones that's not the rebbetzin.
Malkie was a nice girl and then she learned to be not friendly. The rabbis taught her that at seminary. Mrs. Simkovitz’s girl is good at not being friendly. That’s something to take Nachis in. And rightfully so, she told me, "My girl is very holy. She can't associate with people like you."

​It seems to be a new thing, where religious women feel closer to Gd by being people who don't smile. A serious look of judgment. They have given me that. Maybe that's their greeting. To say, "You are going to Gehenim. Hell. That's what you represent."
 
At the welcoming committee meeting, they decided that not one Frum woman can be on it. I believe the whole shul is trying to figure out why they ignore everybody. They truly do. They especially ignore men. They're very good at it. How they meet and decide on marriage is beyond me.
I didn't know women were supposed to be ignored too. I guess it’s practice. SheLo Lishma Ba Lishma. When you do something not for the sake of the Mitzvah, it helps when you need to do the Mitzvah. They do it with the women so they can be better at being rude to the men. And they’re very good at it.
I think it has to do with my level of Frumkite, Jewish religiousness. If you only keep Shabbis and Kosher, it's as if you're a heretic. Which makes you just as Asur to talk to as a man. I asked the rabbi if that was the case, and he said it's my short sleeves. "It's because you wear short sleeves during the summer. You're a heretic. It's too bad your mom passed away. She would've at least taken Nachis in you."
If somebody was wearing a tennis shirt, I would understand not saying hi to that heretic. It's also the way those things fit. They're always tight. It's unbecoming. It's very uncomfortable to talk to people in tennis shirts. 

And it turns out, Pinchas is still single and can't find a girl to talk to in the shul.

The 22nd Maccabiah Games, known as the Jewish Olympics, are going on in Israel right now. I didn’t know about the first twenty-one. But they happened. And it turns out there are thousands of Jewish athletes. That’s good to know. Looking at my shul, I didn’t think there were Jews that exercise.
This whole Maccabiah Games is a beautiful thing. Jews should also get the chance to feel like they’re good at sports. They have the Paralympics Games, Youth Olympic Games, Special Olympics. Why should we not have an Olympics for Jews. People who are hard of keeping in shape.
The Maccabiah Games stand for Jewish identity, unity in heated competition and fights with Argentinians. Let us explore some of the beauty of this event that brings the community together, known as the Jewish Olympics for the husky and portly athlete. Our Jewish way of paying homage to hedonism and the Greek culture of the Hellenists that we don't give proper respect to on Chanukah. 

We Need Our Nation Together
Anything to get Jews to Israel. That's what I say. 
There are five thousand athletes at the Maccabiah this year, which is down from ten thousand in 2022. Five thousand athletes, from around thirty-five countries, that didn't make the Olympics. And some of those go to my JCC. Max Hyneman. I've never seen that guy move. Just the Shvitz. Sits in the Shivtz. That was his training. 
The Maccabiah was supposed to happen last year. Didn’t happen because of the 12 Day War. This is what Iran and Hezbollah do. They ruin Jewish programming.
I was going to go to Israel last summer myself. Iran truly kills summer plans. And then I was going to go this summer. Flights are crazy high. Iran and EL AL ruin summer plans. If the war would’ve been six days, we could’ve gotten some of the games last summer.
The 2022 games were postponed from 2021 due to COVID. At The Kibbitzer, we are beginning to think that the Maccabiah is bad luck. You want something bad to happen, plan the Maccabiah. 

The tagline for this year's Maccabiah is "More Than Ever." As Bibi expressed its beautiful message of unification of Israel and Diaspora Jewry, to mock the fact that there are less athletes than ever.

The Opening Event
It turns out many Olympians have competed in the Maccabiah, and people came to see them at the opening ceremonies. Nobody ever saw the compete. But they saw them at the ceremony. That’s what we like watching.
This is why people go to the Maccabiah. The flags, Israeli music, speakers. It's a Jewish community event, with a parade. When it comes to Israel, Jews love ceremonies and parades. The New York Israel Day Parades, Yom HaAtzmaut Parades, Gay Pride Parades. Put flags in there and it’s a ceremony. We love it.
It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. A sermon about Israel, with flags. Unity.

Nobody cares about the sports. We love the opening event and whatever ceremonies they do where they put the ribbon on people. We love seeing that person who wins getting honored. It’s like a community dinner and you don’t even have to give a donation. You just do the honoring part. Could care less about the competition.

​They had Tons of flags. Love it. That's what the Jewish Olympics should be. Israeli flags.
You could see huge Israeli flag at the opening ceremony stage.  The Israeli president and prime minister gave speeches. And I'm beginning to think Israel has an unfair advantage. A very strong home court advantage. I feel like this Maccabiah is rigged.
And for the anthem, for every Jew that wins, they play their nation's song. "Hatikvah."
It’s rigged. Rigged for Jewish unity.

The Sporting Events
It turns out they had sports competitions too. So, let’s talk about them. Nobody cared, but they had them. The opening parade was over. Iran, the PA and Hezbollah didn’t ruin it. Trump worked out another ceasefire for us.

The inclusive and unifying sports include:
Soccer. To ensure America loses.
Golf for people over sixty-five, so that people who can afford flights come to Israel.
Fencing. You never know what kind of armament Iran will resort to. We need people ready to fight. Iran has no navy and now the US is fighting against rowboats. Once we blow up their munitions, Hezbollah might pull out swords. 
Futsal, which is soccer again. To give Argentina another win.
Pickleball. At least somebody has accepted that a lot of Jews are showing. Jews don't like to move when playing sports. Our people don't want to break a sweat with athletics.
And we have Chess. I always asked how chess was considered a sport. It's the Israeli lobby in America. This is AIPAC's influence. This is where the seven thousand dollars goes.
Beach football. Another sport. Argentina needed another metal. All of Buenos Aires comes to the Maccabiah. Got to give them something.
Rugby. Have to have a sport for each country. Australia and South Africa deserve something.
No cricket or baseball. They wanted to be diplomatic. And they didn't want to give America a win.
Marathon. To see if anybody can finish in under five hours.
Squash. There's a guy showing up who plays it. He knows the rules. Give him a medal.
And tons of sports for 35 and over. These are the guys from my JCC. And not even the non-Jews. Not being Jewish is an unfair advantage. And that is why we have the Jewish Olympics.
No floor hockey. They don't want American Yeshiva boys showing up.

In the essence of Torah, I noticed that they keep the games not hedonistic, ensuring that we allow extremely out of shape people to compete. B"H we make everybody keep on their clothes.

Conclusion
We need people coming to Israel. This is why I support the Maccabiah. Not for the competition. I don't need to see the Jewish over sixty-five-year-olds losing their breath in The Marathon, while walking. We need the Jewish Olympics for touring. Really should've just had a Maccabiah Birthright tour.
I wish it would’ve been three weeks of opening ceremonies. That would be something to watch.

There are some great athletes competing, and that should bring our people some pried. They're the product of intermarriage, and questionable genealogy. The rabbis are looking into this.

And again, sports bring Jewish pride and our people together. Due to the message of unity, some athletes decided not to compete. Instead, they just hugged. Seeing them hug, spectators thought it was another judo match.
And Israel ended up winning. In Israel. This thing is rigged.

It should be noted that there are bottles of suntan lotion at all events, including indoor futsal. The mothers made it clear they don’t want their children being exposed to the sun. The Jewish mothers should not be worried. And the Maccabiah committee also wants to make it clear that their little balls of Nachis will not be Shvitzing.
In the end, the Charedi rabbis are against the Maccabiah. To quote, "Jewish boys and Jewish girls should not be playing futsal. Even if they're not playing it under the table, it's not modest."

I have a lot more to say.
Last week we focused on how much we hate men. We want to thank Elias Sacks for making it clear that you can still call a woman a woman, if it doesn’t offend people. Now I shall give you my full thoughts on the new JPS Gender Sensitive Tanakh, the RJPS and what I think should’ve been done. Please see Part I, so you have the basis for which to also complain about the JPS’s new version.
And here are my problems with sensitivity.

Your Rabbi’s Conclusion and Critique
I definitely have issues with this whole inclusivity thing. Next thing you know, congregants like me. Then they feel comfortable asking me questions. 
 
JPS just went to the next level. Could've said it was a Tanakh version where Gd is translated as Gd, as Gd doesn't have a gender, unless if we're talking about Gd's attributes or using anthropomorphism for us to connect. And they could’ve left the translation of “King” as “King.” That would make sense to me. As a king is a king and the Hebrew word for king is king. Catch this. Some things don’t make sense when you degenderize them. Such as my niece. And she is still my niece.

This inclusiveness offends me. And it belittles the Tanach by loading the title with terms like "Gender Sensitive."
Torah is not sensitive, and this attempt doesn’t help any person who believes in Torah. And I’m stuck trying to figure out why they call it The Gender Sensitive Tanakh. That's the "jarring" language. Must be that the idea of the RJPS Tanakh is to have a Bible out there for people who don’t like gender. A version of the Tanakh for non-religious people who won't read it.
Call it the 2026 Version. Or Tanakh for People Who Don't Like What Gd Thinks. Your rabbi would be fine with that.
I appreciate the idea that Gd can’t be defined as female or male. But are people that stupid that we need to translate the Tanakh incorrectly?!

We’re trying to make Gd more connectable, so we need a Tanakh that says Gd doesn't have any characteristics. A Tanach that doesn’t have the Tanach. “Scholars” should know that we can’t understand Gd. The fact that Gd throws us a bone by letting us feel like He has a hand, let the Torah give us that. It’s better than worshipping Baal.
 
We Need Other Versions
The JPS needs to be more inclusive. If they're going to do it right, they need more versions. There are so many people that are beyond gender. What about people that are beyond feelings. People that are beyond identification. Age. Age can totally mess people up. Nobody should be defined by how old they are. Numbers are very restrictive. 
JPS feels it's important to connect with the contemporary reader. Which means an American who hates identity and loves communism, and oppression of Jews. Father and Mother are too gender specific for Torah, as that supports the idea of family, and family is offensive to the contemporary reader. There should be The Communist JPS Version for those with Russian ancestry who miss the USSR. And for those who are feeling left out due to their Jew hatred, we need a The Revised Anti-Semite Version. Or The Revised JPS Version of Intolerance.
And what about those that don't believe in Gd? I still feel bad for those people. The Torah is not very inclusive of them. There is very little Baal in the Torah for the idol worshipping Torah fans. We need a The No God JPS Version. As long as "The" is in the title, I’m fine with the version.
The modern reader should be allowed to connect in their way. The way they want. That is the message of the RJPS. We need more versions. A version for everybody. It's already mid-2026. It’s been six months since that other version. We need "fresh eyes" on the Torah. The JPS Journal Tanakh where you get to write the Bible how you like. The JPS Coloring Book Tanakh. The Tickle Me Elmo Version of the Tanakh. We definitely need more of an array of The Heretic Tanakhs. Until we have these new editions out, the atheist will have to refer to Gd as "Gd." And that’s offensive.
The Atheist Sensitive Tanakh. That’s a seller. The Bible definitely does not do its job speaking to the atheist population.
There should be a The Muslim Brotherhood JPS Version put out for the contemporary reader who wants to bomb Israel and massacre the Jews. 
This is what "Gender Sensitive" in the title does. It mocks the simple idea they present of keeping Gd a little vague. For them to be vaguer in their translation is an argument, allowing for commentary. And that is fine, as we need more sources to allow us to argue with people who have no idea what they're talking about. We also need to give the Christian missionaries more sources to prove Jesus. Now they're going to be coming to us with proof that Jesus is “the person” of Gd. “Written right there in the RJPS version. It says ‘persons.’”

Final Thoughts
The Torah has to be the Torah. To me, that makes sense.
If they would just call it The Vague Version, I would be all in. It's the agenda behind the name that has me questioning if Moshe really said it. I never heard Moshe say "Gender Sensitive." Maybe when he suggested that the plague that slaughtered thousands of Jews in the desert wasn’t the worst thing, he was being a bit sensitive.
This "inclusiveness" is all loaded and it makes no sense. What kind of religion doesn’t allow you the joy of hating people.
 
Grapes of Wrath needs a new translation. Do people do it? Do people say "Tom Joad is jarring. We're going to change his name." Only "Drag Story Hour" does that. We need a JPS Drag Version for those who want to see humankind that way in nursery school.
Only the Bible is allowed to be constantly rewritten. Call it the JPS Commentary for People Who Have Their Thoughts.
Give it a few days, they're going to have to come out with a 2027 version, where referring to Gd as Gd is offensive. Somebody might have a thought, and we'll have to change the Bible again. The 2027 version of the JPS. The JJPS. The Jewish JPS Tanakh. The new version where the Torah is translated as the Torah. A version where somebody finally explains what a Tetragrammaton is.

The Gedolei Hador, the great rabbis of our generation, need to connect more with the contemporary reader. 
 
Get rid of the “Gender Sensitive” and your agenda. Call it a commentary and I’ll be fine. You did say that you made it a point to translate the words incorrectly. And that makes people feel better. “I love this Bible. Now I love the Tanakh. They totally botched it. Nothing like the original. Now it speaks to me.”
Commentaries are great when they make sense. And most commentaries mess up words. Listen to any of my sermons and you’ll see how supportive I am of mistranslating the Torah.

What we’re seeing here is the importance of the original language. To have a normal Torah, we need to get rid of the English. Have the Tanach in Hebrew only, so that we can be male chauvinistic as a people again. ​Something so that I can learn Torah again. A Torah where I don’t have to feel bad about offending Bethanie and her feelings about her recent breakup.
Thank Gd. If that's what I'm supposed to do to Him. Shoot. I messed this sentence up already. Thank The Eternal, they're not changing the Hebrew Bible. They tried, but they had a hard time changing the Hebrew in English.
Elias does say, "It's absolutely not the case that we're changing the Hebrew of the Tanach." Thank you for being sensitive and allowing Hebrew to be a language.

The goal is to "open up the Bible's world to the 21st century readers." And to let people know there’s an issue. It's old. That’s the issue with the Torah. It’s old. Stephen King didn’t write it. And I personally am changing the author to every Stephen King book. His name is jarring.
It's definitely not for Yeshiva guys. It's not offensive enough. I’m thinking the Yeshiva Bachurs are going to stick the Artscroll version. No issues with the translation. There we know it’s totally wrong. The Gender Insensitive Version for the Yeshiva Bachurs. Artscroll beat the JPS to that.

It’s their agenda and their new name. Torah with adjectives in the title is not Torah. I don't know if Gd should be going through an identity crisis. But now He is. You’re not going to get me to stop calling Gd “He.”
The Bible is supposed to offend people. The Gender Sensitive JPS Version is pandering to people who are not male chauvinists. And that is Biblically offensive.
 
All in all. Other than the Adam thing and the words that are feminine and masculine not staying feminine and masculine, I have no problem with the RJPS. See how I put the female before the male. Shoot. I probably just offended somebody again.
Call it a commentary, explain what a Tetragrammaton is, and which Transformer it’s part of, and I am fine with it.

​For the Jewish Publication Society's Tour of the RJPS with Elias go to Youtube.
Thank Gd somebody came around to fix His mistakes. Gd was never good at writing in English.

This is the review and it will take a while. In Part I, we will first focus on what the JPS presented. In Part II we will focus on my conclusion as your rabbi. Things take a while when you have to be sensitive. When have to explain that Gd is not as you explained Him. When you have to do something impossible and make people feel good about the Bible.
 
​JPS put out The Gender Sensitive Tanakh for the modern man, the RJPS version. I just said man. Already messed up. I'm never going to get this down. I spent too many years in Yeshiva. Wait. It's the Bible for the modern person. Now we can do this review.
We're living in an age where everybody has an identity issue. Some people don't know if they're man or woman. Why should Gd be left out.
Thus, the JPS has taken it upon themselves to rewrite the Torah. They decided to rewrite Gd's word. To be honest, if Gd knew of gender neutrality, He would've been more sensitive. He wouldn't have thrown in some of those commandments about pilgrimage holidays. He would’ve left out Mikvahs and went for pools. Pools are more gender sensitive. Pools with mixed swimming. Mixed swimming in bikinis. Unisex bikinis are gender sensitive. Point is, He would've called Adam "Adamah." Or "Ariel." Ariel is quite gender neutral. Shabbat. He would've let us do without that. Shabbat is quite gender specific.
If Gd would've known that people don't identify as men or women, He would’ve thought about His wording a little more. He would’ve gotten it right, and we wouldn’t have had to revise this thing.
There is language used in the Chumash. And that is offensive. Language is offensive. Gd is offensive. And Moshe was offensive when he called the Jews a nation. To use the word "nation." Not necessarily sensitive. "Persons." Persons says nation to me.
And so, we see that gender sensitive people need a new Bible.

I watched the video with Elias Sacks for help. YouTube. Elias gave a beautiful tour of The Gender Sensitive Tanakh on YouTube. And that’s what I call research. Hence, this is all scientific.
Before we go on, Elias made sure to note that this version of the Torah is not gender neutral. It's gender sensitive. So, I have misunderstood what the new JPS Tanakh is. Now I know. And I don’t know the difference between gender neutral and sensitive. It's definitely a more emotional Bible.
Before we go on, it must be stated, Elias made it clear, they are only rewriting the English Tanach. I was hoping for a new version of the Hebrew text. It turns out JPS will not be doing that anytime soon. Gd’s word in Hebrew is the same. The Hebrew version is still allowed to be offensive. As Israelis are very offensive. And I am now offended as an Israeli. But we are not here to talk about the Israeli Sensitive Tanach. A Tanach where people can pronounce Tanach. We are here to review the new JPS version.
 
The Review of What Elias Showed
Let's hear what Elias says.
Elias explains the new Tanakh is translated for "contemporary readers." JPS is focused on those readers. They’re not focused on archaic readers. Readers from the fifth to eighth century is not their focus.
This is why they changed the JPS Torah. The Torah has been the same since 1985. It's getting old. Crazy old. Outdated. Who's watching Cheers Anymore?! 
The 1985 version as opposed to the 1312 BCE version. The 1312 BCE English version has been revised countless times.
How many times is JPS going to change the Bible? I can't tell you. They haven't put out the racist version yet.

The 1985 version of the Bible translates Gd as a "Him." Who translates the Hebrew word “Oto” as “Him”? Other than Israelis and people who understand Hebrew, nobody does that.  
I always thought Gd was a guy. That seems to be a problem. Growing up in Yeshiva, I thought "he" was gender neutral. I thought "he" was a sensitive way to describe "him." I was wrong.
Yeshiva education is messed up. It turns out that the masculine form of the Hebrew language doesn’t always include women. And I have to stop referring to women as guys.

Elias explains that at points they use "person" or "them," as opposed to "woman" or "man." Which makes it harder to figure out who to date. Nonetheless, you refer to a person in plural form in gender neutral language. As gender neutral people are usually heavier. And fat shaming is fine in neutral people. You can always learn something new. And that’s what the RJPS version is here for.

They got rid of mankind. They erased mankind. Somebody had to do it. Our politicians haven’t succeeded yet. Elias says, "We try to avoid saying man or mankind." Adam as mankind in Bereishit is not good anymore. "Humanity" is how it’s expressed nowadays in many settings, such as when talking to heretics. And heretics are contemporary.
Truth is I can't stand mankind. They suck. Maybe humankind can do better. I’m still for "Ariel." Ariel covers every them.

Using masculine language "can sound jarring. It can sound intentional... can feel jarring unnatural disconcerting to emphasize the maleness." Which is a quote Elias stole from his wife.
And I hate men too. And that is why they are using gender neutral language intentionally. I hate men. Why should Gd be associated with those people. You see how used "people." I'm starting to get a hold of this.
It's wrong. "Deliberately casting Gd as male." Men bring a bad name on themselves. Gd doesn't need that reputation.

Elias expresses that Gd is beyond gender according to many scholars. I would agree. And thus, I am a scholar. "Some contemporary readers experience Gd as encompassing multiple genders. Not just male or female." Now I’m confused, like Gd. 
So Gd is she/they/thou/them/him/her/their/hers/his. Gd is a Forward Slash. And I think Gd is now offended. See how I capitalized “forward slash.”
Please don't tell me the RJPS stopped capitalizing Gd, because capitals are not gender sensitive.
They took out "King." King is male sounding. If you don’t get this by now, you’re an insensitive racist who hates people. Using King for Gd is a problem. Gd is just Gd. Somebody should’ve told this to Gd when He wrote the Torah and called Himself King. But need not worry, we’ll correct His mistakes.
They Might want to change Gd to "+." The attributes of Gd should be vague for the contemporary reader. Preciseness is offensive. I think Plus Sign says it all. Pluses and Forward Slashes.
The RJPS version allows the atheist to read "Gd" however they like.

Wait. Take that back. They are not using any pronouns for Gd. And no "they" either. But somebody can interpret Gd as "they" if they like. Though. The plus sign might stand. Maybe in the next version. My idea. That’s my interpretation.

They got rid of "Lord" as that also sounds male, and we hate men. All of us contemporary readers can agree we hate men, and we love the WNBA.
The Tetragrammaton is sometimes referred to as “Gd” or “The Eternal.” That makes sense, if I knew what the Tetragrammaton was. In the next version, maybe they should focus on translating Tetragrammaton into English. No idea what that means.

Later in his presentation Elias does make it clear that gender language is sometimes fine, and I appreciate that. Like when referring to a guy, you can say they're a guy. You can refer to a woman as a woman, if she's a woman. Though it might be illegal in certain states.

Elias realized they needed to go through the Tanach with "fresh eyes." The last three thousand five hundred years wasn't enough. It needed fresh eyes. Gd might have forgotten something. The fresh eyes looked at Bereishit 1:26-27 and decided that Adam should be translated as "humankind." And that is why I call my Israeli friend "Humankind."
Between us, this is really a discussion about Gd. And anybody who thinks Gd is a dude is an idiot.

There are other offensive words in the Bible, but Elias did not focus on them. Personally, I am going to skip the word "Behalotcha." I don't like it. It sounds jarring just to say it.

I want to thank Elias Sacks for giving the tour of the RJPS over in a soft intimate gender sensitive undertone. Thank you for making it sound not male. That would've been jarring.
At this point, we can all agree we hate men. And we all needed a new Bible to express that.

The Three Weeks begin this Wednesday night. The rabbi said that nobody has to raise their level of mourning in our shul.
To quote: “It’s depressing enough in this shul. Nobody has ever felt as much sadness as having to Daven with the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Each day with you, I mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.”
 
This week we celebrate wellness in our shul with Wellness Shabbat, as none of you are well. We’re going to be focusing on Bernie and the women with huge hats, who’ve been frowning since 1986.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Talking to Bernie and the Smug Frowning Hat Women. Keeping their attention is a great act of kindness to the rest of the congregants that can’t deal with them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Art of Bringing Down Everybody Else in Shul with Our Congregants. The Art of Sadness and Having to Deal with Our Congregants. Wellness and How to Keep Healthy by Staying Away from Our Membership. Mental Health and How You Stole it From Me. How Hard Chesed Is When You're in a Community Like Ours- A Mental Health Session.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
“It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.” No truer words have ever been spoken. You see the members of our shul and you want to move to Jerusalem. Or anywhere else.
It’s always Tisha BAv. If you ever had the egg salad at Kiddish, you would understand. It's disgusting. Our egg salad should be marketed as the Seudah Mafseket. The meal of sadness before Tisha BAv. Our egg salad and sitting with one of our members will get anybody into the Tisha BAv mood.
I don't think I've seen a smile since last Tisha BAv. Tisha BAv is a pick-me-up in our congregation. 
The rabbi went on in his sermon, "The Three Weeks between the sadness is a time of hardship and struggle. Every day at our shul is a struggle. Every time I sit with the board, it's hardship. You, my congregants, are hardship and struggle. You are the Diaspora. If there is one positive thing in Moshe's life, it's that you were not his congregants... But you were there. We were all there at Sinai. And you are the reason for Tisha BAv." I was so touched. Nobody could've put down Sarah Bracha like the rabbi did. Our congregation is the reason. I told the rabbi how much I appreciated him expressing my feelings.
 
What is Wellness Shabbat? Is that a commandment? I truthfully had no idea we had to be well. If being well was a Mitzvah, our congregation is full of a bunch of sinners.
Over Wellness Shabbat we spoke of mental illness, and they brought in examples from our congregation. Which meant the rabbi had a chance to go off on every single congregant's quirks. This included Chaim breathing through his nose. Which somehow bothers the rabbi. Cheryl using her finger to follow along in the Siddur also very much angers the rabbi. Lin not showing up to shul, the rabbi likes that.

It's the hats. That's it. That's why everybody frowns all the time. It's the hats and the Tisha BAv mood they all love. There's something about huge hats that has these women walking around all smug. The need to balance the Jewish fascinator brim hats, along with the weight, causes that look.

Bernie is annoying. I think that was the discussion of Wellness Shabbat. How do we deal with him? Him, Bernie, being our problem. That's where the rabbi was steering the conversation. Bernie and big hats.

The Jewish Family Services therapists should've focused their discussion of mental health on how to stay away from our membership. It doesn't take more than five minutes to come up with that diagnosis.
The therapists walked away from the group sessions not feeling well. In response to the Wellness Shabbat, the therapists suggested that for our mental health we all go to another shul.

Everybody in our religion has problems. That's what I garnered from the rabbi's message. And we all have OCD. That's what the Gabai who can't get a name right said of Jews. You call them up for an Aliyah, get their dad's name right. And then the therapists piggybacked on the OCD thing. They saw business opportunity in religious Jews being Midakdek. Being precise about what you do is a disease nowadays.
OCD is a good thing. That's what I say. It keeps people religious. Keeping Mitzvahs takes OCD. "I have to wake up on time for Shacharit." "I can't tie my right shoelace first. I'm not going to Gehenim." "We have to vacation in Florida this winter." And it keeps people from eating at my house. "I can't eat at Rivka's. She's not Frum enough."
They were selling that OCD therapy. They went with it. The therapists ended up giving out cards, telling each one of us, "Here. Take a card. You're religious. You have OCD. You need help."
The rabbi then somehow said that we shouldn't make ourselves sick from worrying about Mitzvahs for months on end. Now our congregants feel it's proper Biblical practice to not keep Pesach.
So, I guess the ending message of the OCD Wellness Shabbat was that we shouldn't be religious. And we shouldn't mourn for the Temple. Something is definitely off in my shul.

​The Jewish Family Services therapist speaker had a message about what she called a safe container community. We all need a community of people we can trust. People we feel comfortable around. People who care about us. She's an idiot. Apparently, she has no idea what a community is.
 
Did I leave out anything from my writing? OCD! You see. I have an issue. I edit sometimes.
If there are any grammatical mistakes, it's only because I'm healthy.

Baby naming this week by the Greenbaum family has everybody mad. It appears that everybody in the shul thought the Greenbaum’s new daughter should’ve been named after them. They chose to name their child after one of their family members, and for that, they want to apologize.
 
The rabbi encourages all to go to the breakaway Minyin. To quote the rabbi, “I can’t stand you. Please go to the Mitzkin Minyin.”
 
Chesed Opportunities: Visit Merwin. The guy is sick. He can’t move. He can’t talk. He’s probably the only one that won’t complain having to listen to you, Bernie.
 
Halacha Classes: How To Get Everybody Mad by Naming Your Child After Somebody. Breakaway Minyins- A History of How They Started and How Much Your Rabbis Can’t Stand Having to See Congregants. Why Visiting People Who Are Sick is More Useful Than Playing Bridge. Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Everybody in our community thought the Greenbaum girl should be named after them. They’re not even family. But they all feel they're important in the Greenbaum's life, as they have been there to eat at every Kiddish the Greenbaums have sponsored. 
Turns out the extended family was also mad about the baby naming. They said they named the girl after their great grandmother. The name made its way into the baby’s third name. That’s not even the middle name.
Some families do the family member's name as the middle name, so they never have to call the kid by the ancestor’s name. And they are also able to say that Rivka was named after Grandma Basya. How? I do not know.
Basya made her name into Bat Chen. Somehow, Rivka Chaya Bat Chen is named after Basya. No idea. Somebody is pulling the wool over the grandparent's eyes.
Is Bat part of Basya? Is that how their selling it? "We named our daughter after grandma by calling her the daughter of my wife." And that's why you disown family.
Who's Rivka? "A name we really liked." So, you're saying that you hate everybody's names in the family. All the people named after Grandma Basya have a horrendous very ugly name.
 
The rabbi loves the breakaway Minyin. He signed for five more years, and he doesn’t want the congregants to show. Any question he gets now, he says, “Go to the Mitzkin home for services.”
The rabbi is fine if there's no Minyin now. As long as the membership of the shul is not showing up to shul, he's happy.

It's amazing how people only visit people who are feeling good. They only visit people who are relaxing, watching TV. They only visit people who they can interrupt. People that don't want to see them. They think they're doing a favor, interrupting their friend's enjoyment.
They don't visit anybody sick. Sick people, who can't move, who can use a visitor. Somebody popping by to scratch them. A visitor to do Bikur Cholim, talk a little and scratch their back. 
Merwin needs visitors. He can't move right now, so bridge is out of the question. But somebody can scratch for him.
Since COVID, people don't visit the sick. Since COVID, the Mitzvah is to be selfish.
You would think Bernie would at least visit Merwin. To have an audience that can't complain about him talking too much. That's a dream for the older members of our shul. They talk, I don't listen, I show frustration. Merwin can't even move his mouth to show that he wants them to shut up and scratch the back of his arm.
I've started scratching people in nursing homes. They truly appreciate it. They come to Bingo, you can see they can barely move their chips onto the "o" row. There is no way they can reach their back. Sometimes, I scratch their knee. I have a feeling most elderly falls happen because people get a toe itch. They try to reach and there's the fall.
The Chesed Opportunity next week should be to go around scratching old people in nursing homes. We can get our junior congregation on that too. They're always scratching each other. 

"​Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation." I think that class was more of a statement by the rabbi. Support of the rabbi to visit the sick and for the rabbi to not have to see you, because you're annoying.

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.

Yiddish curses are great, but some of them are getting a little dated. One of my favorites is “may you fall back onto a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.” It's brilliant. Even so, I’ve never owned a pitchfork and I don’t know if you are supposed to keep it in the kitchen. 
We all want to curse our friends and family in creative and relevant ways. It may feel hopeless, but have no fear, America’s Rebbitzman has created some modern Yiddish-style curses for you to tell off your boss, spouse, or teenage child with.

• May your Instagram feed finally get one million likes, and may it be for the post listing your shiva details.
• Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, at least none of us will have to hear you Kvetch about it.
• Success is a journey, not a destination, so may you walk a thousand miles and never make it to where you are headed.
• Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently… or in your case, with a different pair of shoes.
• May you inherit a vast art collection, and may they all be NFTs.
• May you win The Lottery.
• May your life be so adventurous as to warrant documentaries by Netflix, HULU, and Vice.
• May your fast be the hardest thing you have to do all year, and may dropping dead be the easiest.

If you truly want to get across the point, you can always say it in Yiddish. זאָל אייער פאַסטן זיין די שווערסטע זאַך וואָס איר דאַרפט טאָן דאָס גאַנצע יאָר, און זאָל אַראָפּפאַלן טויט זיין די גרינגסטע
That will get them thinking.
The harshest curse is, "May you win The Lottery." That should be reserved for someone 

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash.
 
Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul.
Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on.
 
We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly.
There’s a ritual.

When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves...
Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool...

(Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it.
Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet...
If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts...
You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly.
Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants...
When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish...

If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose...
Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?...

Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven.
The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk???
Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough...
You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... 
It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this.
Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... 
It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker...

Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. 
You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice.
On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed...

It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie.
Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman...
Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk.
Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman...

If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah.
For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition.
Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings...
You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever.

After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin.
The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle.
Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays...
After all of this, we can celebrate. 

Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona...
There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot.

Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum.
If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that...
Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out...
Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun.
I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants.
Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering.

Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat.
Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum.
I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. 

Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul.

I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it.

Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about.

I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. 

I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot.
Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up.

The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services.
All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk.
​
They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late.
It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too.

They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team.

The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics.

We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. 
The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it.
So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker.
​The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish.

The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody.

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.

Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.”
 
The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews.
They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin.
 
We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it.

(Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.”
All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another...
This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk...

Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie.
How about renewing my contract. A raise...

Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time.  As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting.
I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too...
When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida...
When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself...
And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul.
And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for...

Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week.
BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you...
Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice...
You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking...

Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again...
The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva.
Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed...
Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!!

You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying...
It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?!
After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids...
And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore...
It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau...

I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing...
Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!...
So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean...
It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul...

The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran...
The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow...

(Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation...
A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door...
I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing.
The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy...

You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them...
The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions.
Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here.
We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope...

And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests...
Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing...
Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it.
It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... 

We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything.
Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff.

Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom...

What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. 
And it's great to have the youth here.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia.

Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing.
You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code.

With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people.

The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more.
The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik.

When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher.

Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend.
The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination."
And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants.

The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka.
The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him.

They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft.
You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker.

The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up."
Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left.

But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation.

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often.