Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur.
What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. 

Nusach Ashkenaz
This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it.
Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. 
At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form.
Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does.
English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service.

Nusach Taiman
This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. 
More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. 
Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often.
Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman.

Nusach Sefarad
Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha.
They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts.
Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out.
The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle.

Nusach HaAri
I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that.
Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri.

Eidut Mizrach
Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach.
Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop.
The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot.
Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist.

Nusach HaGra
This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry.
Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise.

There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven.
From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them.

Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach.

How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these.

Change Your Number
Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you.

Change Your Address
Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work.
Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere.

Change Your Last Name
Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them.

Lose Your Job
People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account.

Say You're Single
That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness.
Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out.

Join Another Sect
Chabad will still find you.

Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money
They will tell you that you still have to tithe.

Go to Olam Haba
My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation.
They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues.
I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you.

The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money.
Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews.

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful.
Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor.

What We Give Them is Wrong
It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots.
No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice.
One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika.
It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules.

I Didn't Know What It Was
I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots.

Give Real Food
I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children.

It's a Setup
And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.'
And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong.

This isn't Charity
If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice.
Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there.

Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can
One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home?

Ways to Practice Charity
If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake.
The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time.
Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots.

All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can.
​Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup.

This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.

How was the hotel?
Expensive.

How did you afford it?
I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now.

How much was it?
Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace.

How was the hotel?
It wasn't our home. That was good.

Did you do anything on vacation?
We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home.

You hate your home that much?
When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital.

How's your wife doing now?
She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery.

What else did you do at the resort?
I ate.

Did they have other activities?
Yeah. A buffet.

You seem a lot bigger.
Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand.

What did you eat?
Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way.

Sounds like you were on a mission.
I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries.

Your kids also got bigger.
I made them eat lamb chops.

Breakfast?
Lamb chops.
One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too.

How were the Seders?
The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice.

How about yours?
Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs.

But yours... Your Seder?
We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud.
We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet.
They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat.

Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach?
We won't stay home.

What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel?
Another mortgage. We're up to three now.

What are the three mortgages for?
Pesach hotels.

Anything else?
No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean.

Was it a nice hotel at least?
It was a motel.

Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel?
They cleaned it

Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel?
It was forty-five thousand dollars.

Conclusion
People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep.
As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood.
Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him.
Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon.

To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

​Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them.
 
Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher?
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for.
 
When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand?
Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?'
The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too.
 
Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral?
I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were.
 
Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe?
These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways.
 
Is My Kitchen Kosher?
After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean.
 
Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos?
That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant.
 
How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On?
I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown.
 
I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs.

This interview took place in the parking lot when I noticed that there were no spots left near the entrance of the shul. As I was getting out of my car, way down on the other side of the parking lot, Milt drove right up to the shul and took the handicapped parking spot. Ethel was being wheeled in on her walker from way down on the other side of the lot. The shul was packed.

What are you doing here?
​I'm here for Minyin. 

So, why are you...
I can't talk. I've got to run.

Exactly. And I saw you running at the JCC. How did you end up in this spot?
I have a tag.

Do you have a disability?
I'm old.

Old isn't a disability.
Did you see my limp?

But you were running in the gym?
I'm old.

No. Milt. You're in a good shape. You walk to shul on Shabbis.
Gd does that for me. I don't know how it happens. He gives me the strength. Bless Him. The only day he gives me great strength is Shabbis, when I can't drive.

So, the only day you have strength is Shabbis? When you can't drive.
Praise Gd. B"H.

Did your doctor give you the sticker?
No.

How did you get the disabled parking sticker?
​I inherited it from my wife. 

That was in the inheritance?
​It should've been.

Milt. You don't inherit a hip fracture. You don't get the kids, the house and a broken hip.
My wife passed.

I'm sorry. She should have an Aliyas Nishama. We miss her.
(No response from Milt. I think he was just thinking about the parking spot. He wasn't reminiscing about his wife and how he misses her. His wife was secondary to the conversation. The handicapped parking spot is what matters.)

What about Ethel? She needs a wheelchair and somebody to push her.
She didn't lose her spouse.

She did lose her spouse.
But that expired. Her husband past away twelve years ago. The handicap passes expire.

I am sorry for your loss.
Oh. How I miss her. We were together for so long. The parking sticker is all I have.

Conclusion
We missed almost all of Davening. More important than Minyin is a conversation. Any member of our community will get sidetracked and miss prayers if they get into a conversation.
I had to leave in the middle of Milt's eulogy for the parking spot. I had to go pray.
You can't argue with loss. He lost his wife. He deserves the spot. He didn't feel like she left him with enough. He needed the spot.

When somebody passes, their family gets a parking spot at the shul. That must be the rule. They should turn it into a bereavement spot at shul. Whenever people say Kaddish, they get to park at the spot. It seems that even grandkids inherit disabled parking tags.
Or it can be a seventy and older spot. All the members over seventy seem to have notes from their doctors. If they didn't inherit a good sticker, they get high dose prescription drugs and parking passes from their doctors.
Bereavement or old people spots. If you ask me, the wheelchair is misleading. The people in wheelchairs have to walk from the other end of the lot.

These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them.
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff.
Here are some of the many places they've found me.

Pizza Shops
$2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book.
I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it.
Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels.
Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. 

Shul
I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. 
I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar.
And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. 

Walking
I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur.
I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you.

Bus Stops
I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop.

The Kotel
I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye.
I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?'

Woke up at a Park
He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. 
The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better.

In Line at the Airport
How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though.
I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel.

Shul At the Airport
I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there.
No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give.

At My Seat
I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart.

The Grocery Store
Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity.
He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip.

My Front Door
I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar.
I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? 
​He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared.
Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. 

Soup Kitchen
I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No.

If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza.
If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there.

How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch.

What are similarities?
Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. 

And that's it?
Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. 

That's it? Just Jewish?
Yes. 
Jews are very similar.

In what way?
They're Jewish.

Do you do research?
I study. I’m a history buff.

Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes?
Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew.

But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel.
That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish.

What are they?
Frum.

So, how do you set them up?
I don't. I set up their parents.
If their parents say yes, they get married.

How do the parents know what the kid wants?
The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. 

What do the kids want?
I talk to the parents.

How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews?
Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them.

How do you do that?
If they both speak English​. English.

But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard.
Exactly.

Then how do you limit the options?
I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married.

How do you know it's right?
God. God creates Shidduchim.

Then what are you doing?
Figuring out who's Jewish.

Doesn't God know who's Jewish?
It's a complicated matter.

Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married?
Yes. When I get the money.
I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side.

How do you charge?
Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge.

Not all marriages are good.
That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings.
100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents.

The documents?
When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof.

Do you work with the Shidduch resume?
I’ve found many single people good jobs. 

Isn't the resume for finding people a match?
If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important.

Do you use it for anything else?
Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities.
​
What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven?
Those guys live in Topeka. No chance.

Then how will they meet somebody?
I'll set them up. 

They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka.
That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English?
​
Yes.
If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen.

Conclusion
Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up.

I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.'
The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married.
 
In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance.
The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English.
I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem.

Shalom
Shalom Aleichem

You're Religious?
I said, 'Shalom Aleichem.' 'Shalom,' without 'Aleichem,' is not religious.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

So, you're a Sheitel Macher?
Yes.

Are you wearing a sheitel?
That's offensive.

Why is that offensive?
It's a wig.

Why not just call it a wig ?
Because religious Jews wear sheitels.

If there's no difference, it should be a wig.
​A Wig Macher sounds wrong. I would lose all my religious clientele.

Is there anything I should know about a sheitel?
It's hair to put on hair, for modesty.

Is it modest?
It's uncomfortable. You sweat in these things. Ever worn one in the summer?

That's not good for sales?
Winter sales are through the roof.

Why not another headcovering?
The snood, headwrap, or bandana looks like you're in a gang. Not many Hassidic Orthodox women have a violent crew they hang with.

Why did you go into the wig business?
Have you seen this community? Tons of messed up hair.

Mrs. Feinbloom?
That's a sheitel. I sold it to her.

No. That can't be true.
Mrs. Feinbloom wouldn't wear a sheitel if her hair was normal. She's not religious enough. That's how you can tell she has bad hair.

Isn't that Lashon Hara?
No. It's not speaking bad about her. We can all see how bad her hair is. It frizzes all the time. She goes shopping early in the morning. I see it. Speaking Lashon Hara about Mrs. Feinbloom would be talking about how her kid can't get into a decent college, because their mom doesn't stop yapping. 

Can you make a sheitel from your own hair?
I don't know. Am I rabbi?!

What do you think about the customers?
Annoying. Did you hear that Tirza's daughter had a baby. Tirza's not going to the Bris.

What do you do for the community?
I sell sheitels. I'm the Sheitel Macher.

I thought Machers were the people who talk a lot and have a lot of money.
Yes.

How much do sheitels cost?
Ten-thousand.

Is it a good business?
When I sell one.

How many have you sold this year?
Zero.

Can I try one?
There's a rental fee.

How's business going?
Not well. Nobody here is Frum.

You said that the Frum people are the target clientele you're shooting for.
You see.

Do you see it picking up?
If they stop wearing hats. It's a community with bad hair.

Why don't you sell hats?
I'm a Sheitel Macher. Not a Hat Macher. She wants me to start selling stuff I don't sell. Next thing, she's going to want me to sell shorts. Maybe I should call myself the Sheitel Hat Snood Bandana Shorts Macher?

That up to you. Do you wear sheitels?
Are you crazy. They're uncomfortable as anything. I wear snoods.

Shalom
Brachas.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

Conclusion
The Sheitel Macher is worried about the religious clientele, but there are no religious people. I think that's why she's trying to make money off the rentals.
She was very honest and offensive. She was very judgmental too.  She was a Macher. She can afford to be. She was definitely spunky and pushy. I couldn't walk out of there without buying anything. I bought a snood from her private collection. She wears snoods herself. She hasn't sold a sheitel in a really long time. She should be a Snood Macher.
She tried throwing me off with Tirza and her daughter having a baby. I didn't go for it.

I learned a lot about religion in our community. To be considered religious you have to welcome somebody in many people form, and say blessing in Yiddish form. I also learned that uncomfortable means modest. Which is why polyester is religious to wear. I even learned that you can talk bad about people's hair.
Hassidic women wear headwraps. I've seen it. If she sold headwraps or bandanas made out of polyester, that would be modest. You would sweat in that during the summer.

She's definitely targeting people with bad hair. I'm glad she didn't target me. By the end of the interview, with all the humid weather, the Sheitel Macher’s hair was quite frizzy.

I've put together huge Shabbat dinners, and then thought, 'It might be nice to have guests, if I wanted to share my food.' Personally, I love leftovers, so guests don't really matter. The crockpot chicken is for Shabbat, Sunday and Tuesday. Other people enjoy company more than food. I'm too religious for that. I'm focused on the Tzimis. For those who want to share, be sure you invite people correctly. 

Invite People and Get Confirmation
For those fancy people who like to host, and cook for immediate dinners only, be sure to invite before you portion the meal. If you know there's only five people at dinner, you don't need the industrial size potato kugel.
Whatever amount confirm, double those numbers if you invite single people. Somehow, their friends will find out there's free food, and that means your home for dinner.
If you text them, make sure they know to respond. It's always very awkward to welcome Shlomo and Rivkah at the door with an 'I didn't know you were coming.' The only thing worse than that is preemptively not inviting them with a text saying 'please don't come to the dinner, just in case you heard about it. It's only for close friends.'
Don't use email to invite people. It's too formal. They will think it was a 'save the date' and they won't show. A letter is not necessary, unless if you are inviting people for Shabbat dinner three months down the road. If that's the case, you should also have place cards.
Though the in-person invite after Friday night services is always very personal, it doesn't help those who make precise portions. Nonetheless, there is no better way to let your guest know that you weren't thinking of them.

Choose Guests Wisely
Depending on what type of dinner you're going for, you want to make sure you have the right guests. There are different methods for choosing:
You have the friendly method, where you invite people with a smile that you don't enjoy talking to. You act friendly, and try real hard for two hours, so your spouse can say they are decent members of the shul, who care.
You have the friend method, where you only invite your friends, and then you talk about the people you are friendly to.
There's the Chesed method, where you invite lonely people, like singles, who have no hope. That can be written off as part of your tithe, for charity.
The entertaining invite, where you make sure to invite a professional entertainer for the kids. They come and run some games of Simon Says. The kids are happy, and you saved a lot of money on entertainment. By the time she leaves, she hasn't had time to touch her plate, and because of your kind invite, you saved three-hundred dollars. For the grownups, you may want to invite a singer as well. Many people love opera. You ask them to sing at the dinner, they have to, and now you don't have to go see Les Miserables. 
You have the family method, where you invite family and definitely don't get a dinner gift. For those dinners, you have to buy the wine. 
The other family method, where you invite them because they are family and you have to.
There's the out of town method, where people from out of town join you for dinner and take over the kids' room for sleep. There's no reason to cut the meal short with these people. They're going to be around no matter what. For some reason, of Jewish communal connectedness, they didn't want to rent rooms at the hotel, or pay for dinner. They are good Jews who believe in Hachnasat Orchim, and they're helping you get the Mitzvah of hosting.
The guests you will get something in return for method, where you invite people that will bring the dinner or an amazing dish. Your dinner turns into their dinner. These are usually people who don't get invited out often, and they are not used to trusting other people with decent food. They might even bring a picnic basket, just in case you don't have a table for them to eat at. If they ever get used to being invited out for dinner, stop inviting them. If they ever stop flipping the bill at the restaurant, don't go out with them anymore.
The religious invite, where you invite people more religious than you that won't eat your food. They come as a statement that you're not as religious as them. You don't have to worry about cooking decent for them, as they will make it a point to not eat your food. Enjoy the leftovers.
The new method is the Kiruv method, where you invite people who are less religious than you and feed them gefilte fish, choolante and kugel, in hopes that they will become closer to God. Those meals take the most energy, as you have to pretend that you're happy about being Jewish the whole time.
The singles invite, where you invite singles in hopes that they will get married and start paying dues. Expect nothing in return from the singles. Single people will give you nothing. If you're lucky, they'll bring a bottle of Manischewitz. They won't invite you either.
The new person invite. This works when you're new, or when new people join the community. When you're new to the community, you realize that nobody is happy about your decision, so you invite the locals to your place; the locals whose moving truck already showed, that have the necessary cookware to invite people. When you have a new member in your community, you invite them so that they can see what it would be like if another member of the community ever invited them again.
The work invite, where you invite coworkers in hopes that you'll get a raise. This can also be used to offset how annoyed they are that you took off for every Chag. This will hopefully save you some Sundays.
Political dinner, where you invite people who have really strong political opinions, to see how angry they make the other people who have really strong political opinions. You do this when the entertainer is out of town for Shabbat.
You can always just be a decent person with an open home. It takes a while for your open home reputation to get out there. But once your reputation gets out there, the felons will show, and you will have Shabbat guests.

Whatever method you choose, understand that they are all judging you. They will judge how good your food is. If the choolante is off, word will get out that you're not religious. Some may even judge your presentation. Those are the non-religious ones who may even be happy being served plated, as they've been rationed food their whole lives. They eat in portions and believe in eating healthy. They've never been to a Tisch, where you have to fight for your kishka.
Whoever you invite, they will be annoying. Enjoy it. It's Shabbat.

Next time, we will focus on table seating at your Simchas, for how to anger your guests.

Shalom
Nu. Vismachta.

Why such a big keychain?
I joined Hatzalah in the '80s. 

Why the pager and the walkie-talkie?
I have a belt. And I joined Hatzalah in the '80s.

What was it like when you first joined?
It was the heyday of Hatzalah. Great times. Tons of sickness. Always busy. Always running.

How did the  saving lives at Hatzlalah start for you?
​In the '80s, we didn't have enough vans. Not many vans. Just pagers.

So what did you do?
We walked everywhere. We got a page and we started walking.

How long did it take?
To find the payphone? That depended on if you were in the suburbs or not.

How did that affect people?
They had to breath longer. They had to hold on. That was the term we used. 'Hold on.'

How did that help? How did it work?
We would keep the family member on the phone, from central office. The phone operator would say 'hold on.' They would then say, 'The person will be there soon. He's walking. Hold on.' If it was a serious case, they would say, 'He'll walk over right when he's finished with dinner. Hold on.'

How did people take that?
They appreciated it. They all have families. Eating with the family comes first.

Do you enjoy it more now, or was it better in the '80s?
The '80s. Back then I was part of something. We were a team. We walked everywhere together. It was a good way to get exercise too. The only way I get exercise now is running to the van.

Where's the van?
At my house.

Do you feel the Hatzalah guys are in better shape than the average Jewish male?
Yes. We save them.

How did you feel when you started?
So cool to drive on Shabbis.

So. You've always wanted to drive on Shabbis?
Yeah. But I couldn't until I started saving lives. First call after we got a van, I was the driver. Amazing. They wanted to put me in Chairim. They were saying, 'Look at that Jew driving on Shabbis. A shanda. Excommunicate him.' Then they said I was a Tzadik. Driving on Shabbis and being a righteous individual, it doesn't get better than that.

How did their minds change so quick?
I saved the rabbi's father.

How do they know you're saving lives?
The keychain.

You carried the keychan even on Shabbis?
You had to. That was the uniform. Walkie-talkie, pager and keychain. This way they knew you were a Hatzalah guy coming to save them.

Why not just tell them you were there to help?
When you have payis, they don't think you know CPR. They hear the keys clinging and they know they're safe.

But they have shirts at Hatzalah now.
I'm a traditionalist. This way they know I'm a real Hatzalah man. They feel more comfortable when they see the keys.

What do you use them for?
My house.

You car?
No. That's a digital key.

Any calls for Lag BOmer this year?
Fires everywhere.

Did you help out with those?
No. I was with my family. The kids had off from school.

Did any Hatzalah guys take calls that day?
I hope. I'm not sure. They all have families.

Why so many fires?
It's the Heelulah of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yoachai. The yahrzeit. Bonfires are like big yahrzeit candles.

But why not contain them, at a safe place in the park?
The parks department doesn't allow that anymore, after last year. The kids burned down the field. So, the kids started fires in their homes.

Why not use a firepit?
Do you think they had firepits back when Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai was living? Do you think they had Hatzalah?
Oh shoot. I have to go.

Conclusion
No call came in. He looked at his pager and ran. I think he uses that pager to get out of talking to people. When he's had enough of a conversation, he says he has to save a life.
Michel is a very impassioned man. Yet, I still have no idea what he does for people. I think he helps people when he isn't hungry or watching a show with his kids.
I hope he saved somebody.
​He is truly not in good shape. Michel has a gut. I can only imagine how much kugel the other guys he is saving are eating. I am guessing that most of his calls come from dinner.

Scene 1
INT - PLAYHOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT

The community is standing in front of the theater, talking. Nancy and Mark are a couple in their thirties. Nancy is trying to hide from all the people they know from shul.

Random Woman: Shalom guys.

Nancy turns to Mark.

Nancy: Is this a community event or a play?

Mark: I feel like I'm at shul right now.

Nancy: You should've just went to Minyin. Now you're going to have to do Mariv (the evening prayer service) here.

Mark: Shoot. There's the rabbi. Let's get our seats.

Scene 2
INT - PLAYHOUSE THEATER - NIGHT

Sitting before the play, Beauty and the Beast, the couple sees a friend in the playbill. The friend is a random girl.

Nancy: What are we doing here?

Mark: Supporting our friends.

Nancy: Is this going to be good?

Mark: Our friends are in it.

Nancy: Then why are we here?

Mark: Our friends are in it. It's a play that our friends are in. They invited us.

Nancy: We didn't show up to their house for dinner last Friday night. They invited us to that. Last time we were at one of these, we saw Rachel playing Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.

Mark: That's what makes community theater great.

Nancy: The fiddler. Tevye. He is a man.

Mark: It's creativity. She was a good fiddler. We would have never seen a woman playing Tevye...

Nancy: She doesn't even play violin.

Mark: Creativity.

Nancy: We saw Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. Amazing costumes. Actors sing beautifully. They're holding masks on their face.

Mark: But they're not your friends.

Nancy: But they're talented.

In the middle of the play, Random Woman is waving to Nancy. Nancy waves back, and shows a little post-hello frustration. Mark shows Nancy the playbill.

Mark: Look at this. Rachel is in it.

Nancy: I think the pot is a woman. I hope Mrs. Potts is a woman.

Mark: It would be so much better if Baruch played Mrs. Potts. It's the creativity.

Nancy: If they really are our friends, they wouldn't have charged us to come to something they invited us to.

Mark: Look. The Candle has a Kippah.

Nancy: That's what excites you?

Mark: Yes. That's a Jewish production. Creativity.

Nancy: The rabbi should be in it.

Mark: Exactly.

Nancy leaves in frustration. An hour and a half later, sitting at the community event. Nobody is enjoying the play, but they are all showing their support. The big scene of reveal of the Beast comes, and the Beast's mask comes off. Everybody is amazed and excited.

Mark: That's Baruch. I know Baruch.

Nancy: Baruch is the Beast?

Random Guy: I know Baruch too.

Nancy: Hey Baruch.

Baruch has his time as a star, for the local members of the shul. He's the talk at Kiddish that week.

Scene 3
INT - PLAYHOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT

Huge group of people talking in the hallway.

Random Guy 2 (announces): Minyin. We need two more for Maariv.

Mark (to Nancy): It was worth it. At least I caught Minyin.

Mark goes to join Minyin. NonJewish Friend from Work goes to Nancy.

NonJewish Friend: Why are they praying in the corner? It's a Jewish event. 

Nancy: There might not be anti-Semites here. But it's hard to like these people.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
Nobody was bothered by Mark and Nancy talking. Their conversation seemed to be more exciting than seeing Rachel play a candle.
You go to the community play to show support for your friends. You don't go to enjoy yourself. You go to see your friends in the play and to talk to all the people you saw at Kiddish last Shabbat.
The great thing is that they have the artistic license in community theater.
Beauty and the Beast on Broadway is a great play, with amazing actors. A spectacle. You see it in community theater and the most exciting thing is seeing your friend. If you're lucky, the evening becomes more exciting when you go out with the cast for ice cream. Your friends that invited you to the play make you pay for the ice cream too.
Mrs. Potts was played by Shlomo. That was Mark's favorite part of the play, and when Nancy took a twenty minute break, in frustration. Nancy was also very mad having to see this poor effort after seeing Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. To now have to see the woman who sits next to her in shul holding her mask, on stage, in her hand the whole play.