Many people don’t know this, but the Beit HaMikdash has not been rebuilt because of people not sharing sidewalks.
It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians.
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass. We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem. BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them. Act Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem. This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill. Problem a) People do not share. b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too. c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up. d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work. e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible. In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers. e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism. f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain. Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One. Solution a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest. b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers. I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down. c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops. d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming. e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up. h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes. i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail. This will get the Temple rebuilt. Backup Solution More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Chukat7/6/2025 
Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante. End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids. The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.” The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that. Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom... (Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend... We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah... Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.” There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism... Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom... I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone... What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom. I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come. July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element. It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom... Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?! Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom. Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people... We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone... Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise... What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism... Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it. I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore... I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is... Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues... It seems like you value water slides more than Torah. The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board... The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink. Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven. (Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month... Rivka's Rundown The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom. The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids. The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping. The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house. Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul. The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.” They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American. Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth." Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself. They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything. There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants. After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts. It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw. The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth. I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me. It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done. It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason. Tags:
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We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. (Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching. For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society. Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away. One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions. Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives. The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nasso6/8/2025
Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give. It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha. And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom... (Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs. Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner. "Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is. I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?... The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva. And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation. No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation... Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics... This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay. Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum. Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation. It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors. There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat. You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly. Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!... This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk... It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper. Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur... You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah. I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation. We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy... The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men. Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault... We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you... We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks... We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want... We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!! Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous... Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's... In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners... Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that. To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense." Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi. The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff... I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers. The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people. The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing. The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima. Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul. People come to shul to talk. For good conversation. At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money. The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that." Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else. The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd." Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish. Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit. The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul. The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity. A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy. Tags:
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Circle Dancing at the Kotel – On the Bridge with My Brothers: Adventures of Mikakel Kaleekaku6/4/2025 
That will definitely disturb my Davening. Happy people have a way of getting in the way of Kavanah.
We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world. Singing Continues After Your Pray I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets. Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes. Holding Hands In the Moment When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced. Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people. The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me. I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. And Now "Acheinu" All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze. Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened. The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that. "Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat. I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight. The Sun Is Rising The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration. It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired. Final Conclusion I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us. The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students." And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot. And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form. I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either. "Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day. I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times. I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans. And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song. We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.” We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position. After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.” Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you... (Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask... Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination... What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made... The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme... And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!! (Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...” Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery. Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape. Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening... Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you... You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants... It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough... We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed... We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18... Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent... It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah... Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners. I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece. Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food. And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate... The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet. Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet. (Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel... Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination... Rivka's Rundown And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'" "Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav. He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs. The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job. The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart. The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants. To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees." Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka. The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous. They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail." And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now. The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault." They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition. You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd. Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money." They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating. They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme. The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses. The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim. I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas. Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there. Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps. Tags:
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Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation. President: We need more money. Secretary: How do we get it? President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die. Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board. President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death. Secretary: We can focus on dues. President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus. Secretary: But Simchas are nice. President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks. Secretary: But they rent the hall? President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it. Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate. President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies. Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish. Secretary: Why? President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money. Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life. President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque." Rabbi: What about Kaddish? President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that. DISSOLVE TO Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes. President: Dedication plaques We need more. Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted. Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead. Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah. Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats. President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques. Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything. President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death. Secretary: What about asking for donations? President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand. Secretary: Is it always eighteen? Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens. President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand. They continue walking. The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door. Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"? President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed. The president looks at the rabbi. Speech donations. Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it. President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died. They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening. President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque. Secretary: It's just a fridge. Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel. President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf. Secretary: What about the vegetable bins? Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians. President: Get them to plaque it. Looking at the secretary. Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down. Tablecloth. No plaque on it. Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth. President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it. Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give. Secretary: But they haven't died. President: Not yet. Give them a plaque. Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders. Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best. Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine. President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke. Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family. President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine. What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons. THE END Kibbitzer Conclusion The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic. They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer. After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah." The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere. The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away." All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand. The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba. The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences." The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise. The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor5/18/2025
Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months. Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it. We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year. Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic. Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven... You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow... You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people. (Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that. What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens... Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up... Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people... Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?! You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford... Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact... A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul. You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it. Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong... So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made... You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day. Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness. Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent. Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong. I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?... We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph. The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better... They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house... We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do... This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma... You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave.... There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul. Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???! All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens... I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom... From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything. But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple. Rivka's Rundown Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy. The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy." The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise. The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows. I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each. Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore." The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone. They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.” It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330. Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across. And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most. Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k. By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar. Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar. That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact. The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi. Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves. The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye." The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral. Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper. The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed. And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up. Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest." Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up. The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pikudei3/30/2025 
Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season. The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul. Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie. We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears. We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service. They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi. (Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse... That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you... (Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max. Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul. Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you... What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money... Why the baseball game? It’s March. You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong. How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place... Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that. I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew... Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed... Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing. You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas... What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work... H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing... Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA? Hence. Not blessed... I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading... No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing... Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit... Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed. Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?... No blessings for you. H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed. Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition... It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding… There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar... Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building... I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it. I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless. Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes. We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake. It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint. Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired. The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale. This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling. Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you. People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected. Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel3/23/2025
Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot. We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta. Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues." We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel. Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul. (Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help... Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron... We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes... Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim... The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart. (Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place... Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King... Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!... The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section... What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants... It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale... Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants... Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls. Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t. The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry. The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge. By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it. The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent. The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi. The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes. His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis." Tags:
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It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too. Trying to Get the Minyin The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect. Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey. We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy. They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul." Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage. The Gabai Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah. This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham. It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel. Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis. Rabbi Shows to Shul Late There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody. The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time. The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi. Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi. The Bar Mitzvah Boy Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off. They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless. Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts. The Grammen When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form. The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit. Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried. The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel. The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser. The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year. Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side. Tags:
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Let's finish the "English Alephs."
As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?" Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame." Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better. Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden. Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife." Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service." Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like." ***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Yitro2/16/2025
Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat. Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions. Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin. Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection. The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats. And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move... (Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul... Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel... Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment... Unlike Yirto, you make no sense. Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too. Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it... Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul... You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys. You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues. Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you. As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism. Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day... Who depends on school for education?! Exactly! Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced... The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic. Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi... (Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.” Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom... In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president. And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music... You listened to me?! Now please, go. Rivka's Rundown And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run. The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique. The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin. The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more. The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace. Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay. The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd. I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot. Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach. At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met. Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet. The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation. The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining. Tags:
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Announcements
We want to thank the Simkin Mishpuchi for sponsoring Sufganiot by following the Jewish tradition and going to Dunkin Donuts. We will not be hosting a shul Chanukah party due to not wanting to ruin people’s holidays by having to see members of our shul. The community candle lighting was a huge success. We want to express the community sentiment that we’re happy the Chabad rabbi is now safe. Being held up by a harness fifty feet in the air, we’re happy he made it down safely. We’ll be hosting a fundraiser to higher a construction crew to light the Chanukiah next year. Davening will be at 8:30am in the morning for the holidays. The rabbi asks that people show up for Minyin and remain Jewish, even though they have off of work. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Chanukah with the Wrong Sufganiot: Picking Out Sufganiot Like Morah Betsy with No Jelly. How to Ruin Chanukah by Seeing Congregants. Saving Lives and The Height That Makes a Chanukiah Asur. How to Sleep in and Not Show up for Minyin, Like Our Congregation. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s about blessing. And that comes from connecting to Gd and not seeing congregants. And with that, you don’t suffer. Hence, Yosef called his kids Menashe and Efraim... He wasn't making fun of them. Those were their names. Their excellent names. I call you stupid face, because you're annoying. (Bereishit 41:51-52). “Menashe for H’ has made me forget all of my suffering.” And Efraim because “Gd has made fruitful in the land of my suffering”... It’s "Amali" and "Aniyi." Different words, but the same meaning according to Artscroll. Suffering... Names have meaning. Here, at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I called one of my kids Dror, because the shul wouldn’t get me an extra cupboard in my office... I could’ve used another few drawers. My second kid, I called Max. Because the congregation is the bane of my life. Two different types of blessings. They're both strength Gd gives us to deal with issues. Congregants. I have not found a way to deal with congregants. There are two ways to approach issues. One is to forget and one is to tackle them head on. Our board chooses to forget. Which is why we end up with messed up Sufganiot and a leak. This is what makes Efraim greater... I don’t know how. It’s the tackling. He doesn't avoid the issues. No matter how many congregants he has to deal with, he concurs the pain and makes it a success. I will be hosting classes in my home, to make everything a success. Approaching hardship head on allows for the opportunity to change good to bad. Kind of like how I took Chanukah in this community made it a point to not see Bernie and made it beautiful. Fruitful in a way... Artscroll teaches Yosef did not run away from his father. He wanted to do Kibud Av vEim. His brothers barred him from that. Kind of like the shul that bars me from doing Mitzvot. Menashe represents Gd’s help with Yosef dealing with the pain by having something else to thing about... Congregants just add to the pain. That pain of being estranged was something he had not control over. That kind of pain, you can't make it fruitful. You can push aside and move on that way... What did I do with the Morah Betsy Sufganiot. It was just pain. Very painful... No. Artscroll is not Rashi. Bernie. How do we deal with our suffering here? How do we find the blessing? Do we mask it and let people die alone or do we face it straight on and turn it into something beautiful?! I know our congregants don't visit the sick. You haven’t visited Amelia in the Home yet. She’s alone. You should visit and make her cancer beautiful for a day... I am not suggesting Bernie visit. That would just be adding to the suffering. The shul Chanukah parties are something to forget. Gd granted me that strength so that I can enjoy the holiday and serve this congregation. I do that by forgetting this congregation... No. We are not having a Chanukah party this year. We don't want anybody to suffer on Chanukah... We had it before Chanukah. I will explain Fran... Well the other shul that is celebrating Chanukah on Chanukah is not Frum. They're not religioios. It's called Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot. You want to be quick to hurry to do Mitzvot. So, our board thought to celebrate the holiday quickly, before the holiday. To do it at the wrong time... If you would've got Boston cream Sufganiot, like Israelis, I would've enjoyed the holiday. I am asking for better donuts. Why was there Danish at the Chanukah party last year?... Donuts are not Sufganiot. They’re donuts. There’s a reason they’re called Sufganiot. Because it’s Jewish. Dunkin Donuts makes Sufganiot... Tradition is Boston cream Sufganiot. That is what they ate in the Temple. The second Beit HaMikdash... They didn't eat Sufganiot in the first Beit HaMikdash. In the first Beit HaMikdash they had Danish... It's a matter of where we see the blessing. We can concur every dealing with the congregation with both modes of overcoming issues. Sometimes the blessing is in lighting at home... Seeing you on Chanukah ruins my Chanukah... The community lighting ceremony was off. There is nothing about Chanukah that says a rabbi has to risk his life to light a Menroah... This is why I'm not a Chabad rabbi. I’m too scared of heights... Yes, Fayge. This is why it's called Crown Heights. Very good... We just hope the Chabad rabbi stays safe being held up by a crane... I don't believe it's a Mitzvah to risk your life to light a Chanukiah. They didn't have Menorah crane lighting in the Beit Hamikdash. Just stairs... The rabbi had to rappel down. Both ways of dealing are gifts from Gd. When you have the power and strength to deal, you do. When you have support, you can deal. When there is no support, H' sometimes grants you that strength to forget. Which is what I do when I get home every Shabbis. I forget shul. The same way Yosef had to put aside in his head that he is estranged... Being in this shul, I feel I am estranged from my people... The Minyin has no support. That means you don't show up... No. We're not doing the late Minyin anymore... Because you guys sleep through that too. And we can't do a late Mincha. That's too late to Daven already... Before you have an opinion or an issue with it, first show up for Minyin. You took off all week for Xmas and you took off from shul. Yosef would've shown for Minyin... I don't want to deal. I want to forget. There is no way of making having to see Bernie and Merv at Minyin every day beautiful... If we had anybody in this shul that was smart enough, I would make him second to me. I would give him the power, like Paroh gave Yosef. The Gabai is wise. He shall be second to me. Not the Chazin. The president shall be of no importance. The president only causes suffering. Paroh tells Yosef, (Bereishit 41:44) “And without you, no man shall lift his hand or his foot in all of Egypt.” Paroh had Yosef deal with everything. The same I shall do with the Gabai. People must have permission from my second in command... Our Gabai has dealt with enough. It's time we listen to his wisdom and allow for us to find that Bracha of salvation. No more giving yourself an Aliyah. You will have to wait for the Gabai to be called to the Torah. You will only be able to open the ark with the Gabai’s approval. You can only get a shul locker if the Gabai says you're showing up for preMinyin aerobics. This is how we shall deal with famine in our shul... That calling yourself for your own Aliyah you all were doing was crazy. We had eighteen people go up for Cohen. All called themselves... There are only two Cohens in the shul, Bernie... Shmuel. You are an amazing Gabai. No arguing. The great must bear the burden... With this we can name our kids normal names, like Brian. But only with the Gabais OK... Next year, we will have a Chanukah party, and I will choose a wise person to run it and get Boston Cream Sufganiot... No purchasing of Sufganiot with Shmuel. My second in command. Traditional apple fritters are up to him. Sometimes, it's just too painful. And we have to forget. When I get home at night, I forget the congregants... From now on, any issues go to the Gabai. My second in command. He will make it all good... Rivka's Rundown I do not believe that people getting up for their own Aliyah without being called constitutes famine. The rabbi threw all the shul's issues onto the Gabai. That was his way of dealing with the suffering of the congregants. That is what I call throwing under the bus. I think the rabbi is trying to work less. The rabbi threw himself into Yosef’s issue, blaming us for his suffering. I guess that’s the point of Bereishit. To personalize how annoying your community is. Congregants are issues. When the Torah speaks of hardship and suffering, H' is speaking of our congregants. How Max means “bane of life” I don’t know. The rabbi stopped hosting classes in his house, and started having them back at shul, when the board said they were going to cut his salary. We all suffer at a price. Sufganiot are donuts. Both are deep fried. Both have jelly. However, Dunkin Donuts does not claim to be Sufganiot. The way most of the people in our community make Sufganiot, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t want to ruin their reputation. Dunkin Donuts is fine being mistaken for Krispy Kreme though. The board took the Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, hurrying to do Mitzvot, comment by the rabbi to be a compliment. They started doing everything early. The secretary suggested they start doing Shabbat on Thursday. To quote: "It wouldn't be a problem. It would still be Jewish. No other religion celebrates the Sabbath on Thursdays." To which the treasurer said, "We don't know. We were surprised when summertime Ramadan turned was celebrated in the winter." I think we have to work on our community. When a community doesn’t want to see each other, there’s an issue. When you pay dues and don't want to see those people at a ceremony or celebration, you start to think if this is the right religion. I believe the rabbi said, "Anything with the words 'community' and 'ceremony' is going to be painful. No joy." It was scary to see the Chabad rabbi up so high. One light went out. The whole community insisted the rabbi not go back up to light it. They called in a construction crew to relight it. These Chabad rabbis risk their lives to publicize the miracle. They didn’t have construction crews lighting the Menorah, or harness belts, in the Beit Hamikdash. There’s a point where it’s too much. Maybe have a community slab of wood nuts made by the nursery school Chanukah Menorah. I think the rabbi was competing with the Topeka Xmas tree. He saw the Christians get eight stories, a scaffolding and clean windows. Jews should too. People take off of work and they take off Judaism. Vacation is vacation. The congregants were not happy about the late Shacharit Minyin for the week of Xmas break. To quote Baruch: "Shoot. Now we have to go." I don't think Jewish day schools should have Xmas break. They tried having Chanukah at a different time of year, but it falls out around Xmas. I asked the Gabai and said we can't change Chanukah. Tags:
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You Have to Pay a Shadchan12/12/2024 
How AI sees two Jews on a date. Naturally, they thought the two were perfect because of the size of their noses. If AI was setting you up with a Jew, they'd make sure the person had a huge nose.
You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan. Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married. The Source For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for. The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish. You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch." What Is the Labor It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on. All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea. How Much You Must Pay If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan. If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee. Who Pays? Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans. If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K. Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates? No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question. Excellent question. There are no rebates. I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with." How to Avoid Paying Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago. Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas. Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift. And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause. Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment. What If You Already Like the Girl Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run. It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas. However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married. The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYeitzei12/8/2024
Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness. Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter. The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you... Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy... Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves... (Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own. A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must. Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!" Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom... Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody... But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball... The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs... Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’. Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons... So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo... Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building... We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break... Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will... Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..." It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show. Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful. Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance... I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family... You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind... Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job. She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while... It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz... And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?... Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious. That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular. What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him... Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel? Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face? Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that. Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?! And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word... Rivka's Rundown The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments. It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone. The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants. Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired. The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity. It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews. Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time. The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job." The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card." It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke. They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work. The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here." It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing. Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Re'eh9/1/2024
Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew. Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul. Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses. We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go... H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah. So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself... (Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes... You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed. (Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game... ‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.' Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball. Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere... Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp. It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!! Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you... No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible... You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you. Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing. Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people. Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too. You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy. First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you... Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that... Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!! You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues. We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job. Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people... A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf. People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis. The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again. I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima. The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text. They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket. There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’ The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet. I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts. The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start. The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary. The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too. The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much. Tags:
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I think that means '10 Items or Less'
I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart. I Almost Hated Cheerios I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios. You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv. What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain. This line is moving fast. What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item. Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her? Judging Is Wrong Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work. Anybody Working at a Garage It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved. If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden. I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines. Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha6/23/2024
Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up. The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up. Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week. We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know. Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul. All classes this week are cancelled. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right... Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though... From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah... (Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault. We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am. (Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late... They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse. Things have to be done at the right time. Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome. Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd... Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?! Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing. The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew... Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees... We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out... But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach... Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva... A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?! You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times. Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them. That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club. The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair. Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time. The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them. The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well. So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’ They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’ The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class. It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up. It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that. It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around. Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us. They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie. A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are. They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers. The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave. Tags:
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Prelude
The security meeting was and the wise men and women of Chelm were worried because of the meeting. To quote Rivka, 'It was a meeting. That should worry anybody.' It turns out it was a committee meeting, which had people worried more. Some ran, worried they would have to volunteer. Discussion of the need for security was clear, as expressed by Moishele, 'Without security anything can happen.' And all of the wise men and women of Chelm agreed with the brilliance of Moishele. Security was now a necessity at all events, as nobody wanted anything to happen. Security was not enough though. People showed up to the Pesach concert and no community member wants that. It was noted at the Pesach concert, people showed up and that was dangerous. Nobody likes Yankel and he was there. 'Why did people come to the Pesach concert?' the community protested. After much discussion they concluded, 'Because they knew where it was.' 'Here we have another security concern,' Moishele interjected. And so it was in the books of Chelm. The Event Excited for the upcoming holiday of Israeli Independence Day, Lazer Shwartzawitz shouted, 'Who's going to the Yom HaAtzmaut parade of Jewish pride?' And Moishele, as the new head of security, as he spoke up at the meeting and he teaches Mishna at the Cheder, ensured that it will be safe. And all were ready to show how proud they were of their Jewishness in a safe undesignated location. Duvidel the party pooper answered, 'I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be...' Shouts of, 'Duvidel the fool. He has no idea what it means to be a proud Jew.' To which Duvidel continued, 'How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is? How do you show pride if you are afraid of people knowing where you are? Where do you walk on a parade if you can't be seen? How do you show up to "I don’t know where"?' Moishele cried out, 'You fool. You show pride by be being there.' To which Duvidel responded, 'Where is there?' And the wise men and women of Chelm were in shock by Duvidel's stupidity. Protests of, 'You cynic,' 'Duvidel the heretic who doesn't believe,' 'There goes Duvidel ruining another great program. He thinks he can't show to an event, just because he has no idea where it is. The little he knows...' were heard throughout Chelm. More Arguments Against Duvidel Who Doesn't Understand These Times Berel the Gabai interjected, 'In these times we have to be safe.' Fayge was so proud. 'My Gabai is so wise. He understands the need for security, as it is these times.' Shaindel agreed and said, 'These times.' No one could argue with 'these times.' As Fayge noted, 'It all makes sense when you say it like that. We definitely need security.' And the wise men and women of Chelm were more worried, as they heard 'these times.' A scary thing to hear about the Jewish people. Duvidel again asked a dumb question, 'What does these times mean?' And Duvidel caused another round of protests, 'That cynic. He should be ashamed. Doesn't understand "these times."' Menachem explained, 'It means these times. What kind of a heretic would argue with "these times"? Only one who does not care for his people. One who does not understand the power of a parade.' And Duvidel was again thrown out of the community for the third time in one meeting. How he kept interjecting after being thrown out is a miracle. How everybody knew where the meeting was in these times is another miracle. And what's worse is this board meeting, as all Jewish board meetings at my shul, was full of anti-Semites. And a standoff occurred, as all watched. Duvidel shot, 'At what times will you announce the location of an event?' Menachem shot back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel counterattacked, 'Then you will never announce where an event is.' Menachem came right back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel asked, 'What about at other times?' Menachem retorted, 'Only if those other times are not these times.' Duvidel re-retorted, 'But those will be these times.' To which Menachem said, 'You are correct.' The Event Was a Success When asked why so few people showed up to the event, Duvidel would say, 'They didn't know where it is.' And the wise men and women of Chelm would say, 'Because of Duvidel.' Shaindel spoke of the parade with great pride, 'It turned out to be very safe with eight people.' To this day, the organizers are still very happy that people didn't show. To quote Shirley, the head of the Jewish Federation, 'It was the safest event we ever had. And we are proud of that. It was also the most enjoyable Jewish event I ever attended during these times. Another amazing program. Hopefully next time we will have less Jews.' To which the wise men and women concurred. Epilogue And now the shul has security on all fronts, ensuring that Jews don't come. Yankel joined Duvidel and tried arguing, but the argument of 'these times' was so brilliantly phrased by the Gabai who said, 'In these times,' that everybody knew they needed to have security and safety. As it was these times, and that was true. And now they have more events than ever. Daily events. Every day at 7pm. Huge organized celebrations. And nobody knows where they are. And security can ensure that everybody is safe. Donors thought this was the best use of Jewish monies. Millions poured in for the security plans of not telling people about the location of events. Just the placards ran into the hundreds of thousands. And the consulting that had to be done to figure out where to put placards when they couldn't be seen was a whole other ordeal that had to be dealt with. The cost of figuring out where signs can't be took the community to a deficit. Yankel with Chutzpah asked, 'What about the Jewish day school. Educating our children.' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'You fool. School is not safe.' To which Yankel agreed. And the children didn't show up to the day school anymore. For their safety, every day they were told to show up to somewhere without being told where it was. And all of the children of Chelm were safe. The Jewish Federation of Chelm has gained huge support for these programs, raising millions of dollars. A group of dissenters developed when nobody could find a Kiddish that had no location. There is a limit. And that limit is not being able to find free food. To quote one of the dissenters, 'I will risk my life for Kugel and Kichel. Even during these times.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. The wise men and women didn't acre to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. Tags:
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In shul, you want to focus on your phone. (Photo: Times of Israel, by somebody who wasn't thinking about praying to Gd)
Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY After a full conversation with his children right outside of the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying. Sam: I didn't distract anybody. Member 5: This is distracting. Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin. Sam: No I didn't. Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.' Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening. Member 1: That was disruptive. Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me. Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt. Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.' Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven. Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.' Member 1: You stood right there. Member 1 points to a foot outside the door. You were right there. Member 3: The door was open. Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.' The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader. Sam: What's with him?! Scene 1 INT - SHUL - DAY (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER) A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock. You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people. Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul. Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there. Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening? Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call. Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls. You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation. The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated. Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall. Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud? Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him. Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?! Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell. Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project. There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again. Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha. Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me? Member 3: I think it's a grandkid. Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening. Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.' Scene 3 INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder. Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer. Member 5: Silence is relative to age. Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud. There is head nodding of agreement. Kibbitzer Conclusion When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion. The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven. And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception. Tags:
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Packages in Israel, making it much faster than my container did. (Photo: Gil Cohen Magen/AFP)
Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time. Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies. And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers. Donate Protein Bars Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.' Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach. Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started. Socks Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour. Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid. You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving. Give Money Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no. Give Money to FIDF I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization. Give Money to JNF They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though. These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea. Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees. Tzizit Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties. Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage. Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit. As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening. It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections. Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees. Tags:
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Our soldiers may not all have an accurate shot, but they are excellent with Pargiyot... anybody good with Pargiyot has heart (photo: unitedwithisrael.org)
Since the war began Jews all over the world have been trying to do their part in the effort and to support our soldiers. But 10k for a barbecue?!
The support is amazing. Thousands of volunteer and donation opportunities have developed, including babysitting my friend's child. He says nursery school in Lawrence is too much. What that has to do with Israel, I am not sure. He's extremely impressed with the Jewish community's willingness to give, and he also told me he's happy to take donations. Our soldiers have been a huge focus, as they should be. They are protecting our people, and they deserve the greatest show of support. Jewish communities around the world have taken it upon themselves to care for our Israeli military. Now the needs of our soldiers has somehow changed. The way to donate is to grill. And that costs 10k. Somehow, barbecues are now costing 10k. I get it. People want to give and we support our soldiers' protest against veganism. That's important. But 10k barbecues?! I heard the lowest donation for a BBQ is five thousand dollars, and I am simply questioning. I did research and I learned a lot. And I shall rant. Diaspora Communities Have Gotten Involved The soldiers originally needed tourniquets and chargers for cellphones. That changed once families are involved. Extended families, cousins, Jews who finally realized they're Jewish again, communities, some guy who started a nonprofit. Now they need electric grills, so volunteers have an easier time serving dinner in Gaza. Upper middle-class Jews from the Tri-state area got involved in the war, and that means you treat the Chayalim well. We pamper our soldiers. No soldier is left without decent accommodations, bedding and a ten-thousand-dollar barbie. Are 10k BBQs too much? I feel like Diaspora Jews getting involved is going to make our soldiers soft. Now we have people ensuring every Chayal gets a foot massage before going into Gaza. [Before going on, before people get mad, I know our soldiers are tough and they're not pampered by the IDF. Other than free bus rides, there are a tough crew. Now we can go on about 10k barbies...] 10K BBQs This is what got me. Are the soldiers celebrating Bar Mitzvahs? It used to be two hundred dollars. You could feed a unit for two hundred dollars. I remember, going with the family and feeding a base for two hundred dollars. Since the war started and communal care has surfaced, meal prices have gone up. Nobody wants your chicken dogs anymore. Keep your hot dogs for your pathetic family barbecue. The soldiers have become accustomed to better cuts. So, keep your ground meat unless if it's in slider form. Something has changed in the concept of war zone since the Young Israel of Cedarhurst got involved. And yes, it shocked me. Ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. I heard about this and I don't know what to think. I lived in Israel. You can feed the whole of Afula for 10k. Menachem from the Five Towns is Hyped Soldiers used to go to battle and that was it. They were happy to have proper clothing. The soldiers were asking for underwear. Why the army doesn't provide underwear is a different question. Menachem was explaining the newfound complexities of donations. Since the greater Jewish world is now involved, we don't send our soldiers to battle without a decent T-bone. To quote Menachem, ‘They're our soldiers. You treat them with respect. You don’t send soldiers out there without a steak. You don't give them a brisket. Prime rib. You go to the war, you go out fed. Prime. Five Stah. You go to the battle, you get a foot massage. It's rocky terrain. You give them a foot massage, then they go to Gaza. You make sure they see a musical. Did they see the Broadway... You bring them to New York. You donate tickets to Phantom, then they go to Lebanoan.’ To note, Menachem is taking donations. Menachem has never put on a uniform, not even to deliver mail. Menachem has never shot a gun. Menachem knows a guy whose sons friend has a buddy in the army. Menachem is now running the Israeli military; that's what he told me. He's running Tzahal and he knows they need better cookouts. He expressed that he was shocked the army doesn't provide soldiers with a rotisserie. 'Everybody in Cedarhurst has one!' Beef Jerky?! You can also donate beef jerky, just in case they missed the BBQ. I can't afford beef jerky. I believe beef jerky is the least economical food in existence. The only reason I show up to shul is the chance that some wealthy guy might be happy they had a grandchild and put out jerky. The soldiers asked for protein bars. I remember that. In the beginning it was bulletproof vests, night vision goggles and protein bars, to make sure our soldiers were well equipped. Now, we’re focusing on getting the garlic pepper and sweet and sour right. And the soldiers are not happy when it's not done right. They expect stuff now. Some South Africans insisted on biltong. One soldier wrote a letter saying the jerky was too wet. One unit head in Gaza complained jerky wasn't plated. I Wave to Soldiers Please don't tell me I don't give. I waved. I thought that was how we gave to our soldiers. I saw a tank and waved. I then said 'Kol Hakavod.' I believe I did my duty. I called that a donation. It costs less. That was satisfactory in the beginning. I would wave and bring chocolate chip cookies. That was what Israelis were doing in the beginning, to let the soldiers know we cared and to ensure we had the most out of shape army. I saw one guy giving them cigarettes. It was all a show of care and support. And blessings for health. Cookies Don't Cut It Anymore Now they don't want cookies. Now they're offended if there if the pasty is served before desert. If it's not a souffle they're offended. It's a Bar Mitzvah every day. If it doesn't come with whipped cream, who would think of such a thing. One Tzanchan commando was distraught his unit didn't have a smorgasbord; complaining, 'Who goes into Jabalia without pigs in a blanket.' I can go on for a long time about ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. One word for each dollar. It Worries Me When Families Get Too Involved in War Strategy This is what happens when mothers get involved in war. The soldiers get fed well, they get real out of shape, and their shirts get tucked in. Since when have Israeli soldiers tucked in their shirts?! Something is looking off. Since the greater Jewish community has gotten involved in the war effort and caring for the soldiers, the army has had a hard time focusing military strategy. You have soldiers being deployed and mothers ensuring they received their Ahava lotion moisturization aloe kit, worried our boys will come back with chapped skin, not fed decent home-cooked meal. Now they're focused on programs like lox for breakfast day. The IDF has turned into a Hadassah Brunch. I say we go back to asking the soldiers what they need. And I believe their answer will be barbecues, beef jerky, and foot massages. Whatever you do, I am sure the soldiers appreciate it. All said and done. Our soldiers deserve 10k barbecues and a conversation with Menachem before going out to war. And please know, as an Israeli citizen, I understand the fear of ending up with a Mangal. It's a huge letdown when you think you're showing up to a barbecue, and then you find this tiny matchbox sized grill with half a chicken dog on it. And please note that I donated some underwear I hadn't used in a while. If you're fine foreclosing on your home and would like to donate, go to grillingforisrael.com or unitedwithisrael.org. I am sure Friends of IDF also does BBQs... Todah Rabbah LGiborim Shelanu Tags:
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The bend in the upper back, very pious posture. That's a good holy look.
The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. Tags:
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How do we know Balak didn’t pay? He had to Bil-am. You get it? Bilam. Bill him. If you say Bilam fast it sounds like bill him. That’s how we know there was no prophet. Another pun. Profit. Bilam was a prophet. Prophet. Profit. Brilliant. Do prophets make profit? I guess it depends on if they get paid. 
Mazel Tov. It’s a dog... I think it’s great when people give birth to dogs. They’re just not good on deciding what to order. I waited on line for a good ten minutes for that dog to make a decision as to what coffee it wanted. At some point, I decided to cut him.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the 3 Weeks. So no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
7/10/2025
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