People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks. Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused. Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker. You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name. Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker. People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it. We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel. For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin. Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker. You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker. To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it. We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor. We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event. Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman. Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster. Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets. The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus. As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.” Tags:
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Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash. Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul. Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on. We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly. There’s a ritual. When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves... Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool... (Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it. Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet... If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts... You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly. Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants... When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish... If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose... Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?... Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven. The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk??? Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough... You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this. Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker... Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice. On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed... It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie. Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman... Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk. Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman... If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah. For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition. Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings... You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever. After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin. The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle. Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays... After all of this, we can celebrate. Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona... There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot. Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum. If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that... Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out... Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun. I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants. Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering. Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat. Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum. I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul. I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it. Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about. I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot. Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up. The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services. All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk. They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late. It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too. They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team. The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics. We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it. So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker. The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish. The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Mishpatim2/15/2026
Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter. Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood. We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club. We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him… (Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie... Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----.... You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs... We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of... An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly. You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi. It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the... (Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish... “You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well... You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf... You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other. If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head... We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants... Cut the strawberries together. Help... I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is. Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago. Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced. It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel... Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is. Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches... You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami. If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them. The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer... We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it. We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall... No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba. No youth groups. It's an old group... Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit. The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.” This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish... Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2) Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful. It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced... “You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody. No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing... (Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to... If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup. And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of... Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do... You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of... The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club. I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates. Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it. The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..." Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat. They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel. It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis. I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer. Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art. Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star. The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone. He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood. Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark. The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid. These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul. At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas. Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director. In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that. I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Bo1/25/2026
Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.” The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews. They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin. We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it. (Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.” All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another... This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk... Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie. How about renewing my contract. A raise... Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time. As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting. I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too... When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida... When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself... And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul. And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for... Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week. BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you... Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice... You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking... Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again... The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva. Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed... Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!! You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying... It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?! After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids... And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore... It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau... I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing... Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!... So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean... It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul... The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran... The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow... (Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation... A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door... I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing. The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy... You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them... The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions. Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here. We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope... And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests... Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing... Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it. It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything. Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff. Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom... What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. And it's great to have the youth here. Rivka's Rundown I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia. Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing. You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code. With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people. The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more. The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik. When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher. Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend. The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination." And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants. The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka. The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him. They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft. You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker. The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up." Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left. But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation. Tags:
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You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah.
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet. You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah. The Shul Tzedakah Box The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations. Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money. You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me. Put a Dollar in the Pushke It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity. How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking. I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill. The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams. These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you. The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah. Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later. I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah. The Kotel You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for. Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America. You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with. Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs. Focus on Davening and Give the Money Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger. They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money. I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah. I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section. Give the Dollar I can’t reiterate this enough. You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack. Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again. And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons. If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah. I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYishlach12/7/2025
Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter. We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.” We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people. We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks. The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi. (Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket. Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right... Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..." The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest. Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.” And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin... Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You... Achi!!! You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night... Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd... Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now? I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards... How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack... If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace... Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas. And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything... Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd. At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill... Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara... Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation... Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul... Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing. Are you content enough to cry?! It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears. Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry. It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry... The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together... Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts. The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats... Rivka's Rundown I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together. The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim. Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest. I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace. In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul. Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend." They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money. Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards. People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur. Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night. Thank Gd for heat and Bingo. The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had. And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats. The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids. Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd. Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders. So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo. The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul. Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo." Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night. It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had. It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues. I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew. I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition. Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Toldot11/23/2025
Announcements
We figured out who was stealing from Kiddish. It was Francine. And we are proud of our security team for taking her down and tackling her with rugulach in hand. We want to thank our investigative team for noticing the member walking out with a shopping trolley full of Latkas Bakery baked goods. Why she took the egg salad is still a question nobody can answer. It tastes disgusting. We are asking our congregants to smile. As we’re working on membership retention, we ask everybody to look as if they want to be at shul. We don’t believe there has been a look of non-anger coming from Pinchas since the guy has joined the shul. People have been asking about the Thanksgiving menu. To celebrate America, the shul’s Thanksgiving dinner will consist of Kugel, borscht and Kishka. And pastrami. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Spot a Thief with a Granny Cart Full of Food- Discoveries in Detective Work by Our Shul's Security Task Force. How to Smile- How to Make it Look Like You’re Not Angry at Everybody at Shul. How to Smile Part Two- Joining Another Shul. What Makes a Food American- Our Congregants and Their Understanding of American Cuisine. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... After kicking him out, Avimelech comes to show Yitzchak some love, because Yitzchak has money... If you want people to love you, you need money. (Bereishit 26:28) Avimelech and his friends say, “We see that H’ is with you. And we said, ‘Let the oath between us be between us and you, and let’s make a covenant...” When you have money, you get covenants. Nobody is making a covenant with Chaim, who hasn't paid his dues... Here's a covenant. We'll call it paying your membership. Yitzchak rightfully asked (Bereishit 26:27) “Why have you come? You all hate me, and you sent me out.” Sounds like dealing with our neighbors in the Middle East and our board meetings... But they go on and they tell us the truth of anti-Semites... Not that they think Jews can’t play basketball. (Bereishit 26:29) They continue, “If you do with us evil... Just as we haven’t molested you, and as we have done with you only good and sent you away in peace. Now you blessed of Gd.” That’s the kindness of an anti-Semite. "Well thank you for not molesting me.” If they do everything but kill you. Pogroms, forcing us from our homes, calling us cheap, congregants... You are cheap... You can be loved if you are a good Jew who does Mitzvahs too. Sometimes... Sending away in peace means sending you off without molesting you. That’s kindness. Sometimes it’s what they do to our land. They take our wells. As if that’s an act of kindness. When it comes to Jews, they're doing kindness. “We didn’t kill you. We just took all of your stuff.” They want to hurt us... The only reason why not is a covenant with Avraham. They want that blessing of Gd. It’s hard to hate Jews, unless if you’re a member of our congregation. And Avimelech doesn't even see it as antisemitism. It's accepted. It's normal. Like people showing up late to Minyin... Avimelech sees the blessing of Gd. Where do the Jews see the Bracha? It is Rechovot where we see the blessing. (Bereishit 26:22) “For now H’ has made expanded space for us, and we can be fruitful in the land.” Rachav. Expanded. Only once we have that space, can we be fruitful. They were able to make a well there. Let’s focus on our Bracha... That didn’t happen. Let’s focus on why we have no Bracha. No wells. No Bracha in this shul. Absolutely no space. Those new joint chair shtenders. No arm room. Got Matt right behind you, breathing on you... Oh. He uses Crest. Did not know. Thank you, Shlomo. Crest is a blessing sometimes. Count your blessings. They focus is us. Our focus is a place to serve Gd... Only loving us when we are successful. Sounds like what Israel and our people deal with every day. But our shul is not successful. We don’t have cattle and herds. I don’t see a well anywhere in our community, or a feeding trough... All I see is people gorging at Kiddish... When people like and appreciate us here in Topeka, they are truly lovers of Jews. We must accept them. But we need that blessing of expanded space. That is what we need for antisemitism to come to us and to want to be friends. We know our enemies. Every committee in this shul... But Yitzchak’s focus is his Bracha for his people. Space. Not money. Space to do Mitzvot. To not steal our wells... We found the perpetrators of the Kiddish thievery. Our own Philistines... Stealing the egg salad is not a crime. That stuff is disgusting. If somebody walked into Shlomo’s house and took his clothes, that would not be stealing. That would be doing him and his wife a favor. They’re disgusting... A three-piece tweed. Tweed, Shlomo. Who wears tweed?! How do you have space for tweed?!... Not a blessing from Gd. Nobody likes people in tweed... It was a granny cart. In shul. On Shabbis. It doesn't take a security team to figure this out. And no need to take Francine down. She's ninety-three. If you figured out who was making the disgusting egg salad, that would be something to figure out. An investigation... They think they're Dragnet. "There's been an assault on the leftover herring." Our Bracha comes from goodness. Greet everybody with a nice countenance... That’s not me. That’s Pirkei Avot. A nice countenance is what I don’t see here. Nobody in this shul smiles. Like you’re mad to see people at shul. You come here and it looks like you’re taking care of your kids... You can't have a quorum of just yourself. That's not how quorums work. Bernie. You chase people away. It looks like you want to kill them. And I can understand. Even with all the Bracha, with egg salad like that... The eggs chase people away from the shul. Nobody can smile after they eat the Kiddish egg salad... And when we have the Bracha, we celebrate. We make a covenant... How we celebrate Thanksgiving is messed up. With deli. Like the Pilgrims descended on the Lower East Side... How is Kishka American?!... Pastrami is not American. It’s deli... Delis in America do have it. Pizza is American... I was joking. Pasta and pizza are not American. Neither is chicken curry... I know Americans eat it. But... Like the first words spoken in America were “Oy!” The pilgrims weren't kicked out by Avimelech... They were fleeing the British. That's why they changed it from salt beef to corned beef. And that is why we eat Kosher Reuben sandwiches on Thanksgiving... We should be blessed to build a well. To be in Rechovot. To be In Be’er Sheva. To antisemitism... And this is why the Kansas City Chiefs lost last week. No Bracha. I think we’ll get blamed for that. Are we looking for Bracha or love?! You will never get love here... Because our congregants are all broke. With messed up egg salad. But we may find Bracha. If the members would give Sadie a little more room for her arms. These new chairs... Shalom!!! Peace!!! Rivka's Rundown So now we know about antisemitism. And our congregants are the reason. They're only nice to us when we're successful. That's why the nonJewish community here hates us. But then they hate us when we're successful. We just can't be successful around them or not around them. It's confusing. I think it's like the rabbi said. It's because of Bernie. The Christian inspirational speakers preach about money, and that is how they're blessed. Our rabbi speaks of people staying away from him and giving him space. When the rabbi said count your blessings, people started actually counting. They thought it was a task. We have no Bracha because the chairs in our shul are too small. This was the first time I ever heard the rabbi advocate for pews. Shlomo sits in front of Matt. That's how he knows he uses Crest. The rabbi went off on him for not using Tiadent on Shabbis. The reason being that Tiadent is so potent, it kills all germs and makes it hard to talk. Which the rabbi feels is a blessing. The rabbi pulled Baruch aside at Kiddish and let him know women might like him if he used Tiadent. Nothing about cologne. Just Tiadent. The rabbi had to explain that cologne in the mouth does not taste good. It turns out they were using water in the egg salad. Water and cumin. Water makes cumin taste worse. A discovery made by our congregants. In Argentina, they came on dolce de leche by accident. In our shul, the sisterhood came on another bad recipe. We had some detective work going on with the Kiddish thief fiasco. People stuck around after Kiddish last week to see what happened. They figured it out. It was Francine. The janitor took some too. He was the culprit, and he downed some of the gefilte fish. We all know. The crazy thing is that they threw out the stuff they didn’t want. Who doesn't like the bottom of a babka?! It's the best part. Crystalized sugar with cinnamon. Amazing. If you have any taste, you smuggle the babka bits. And to be honest, that was very bothersome. This week, Francine still snuck food out in her purse. This is why we don’t allow purses at shul. And we also know our congregants aren't giving donations. Figuring out who was eating at Kiddish is the greatest piece of security work our Congregants on Patrol Security Force has done. They are taking a lot of pride in taking down a ninety-year-old who's hungry. They had a celebration for their first sting operation. Shlomo’s style is off with the tweed. He can also use a barber. Lashon Hara is wrong. But we are helping Shlomo here. Everybody knows, so it’s not Lashon Hara. And that is why people have been meeting up to discuss Shlomo's life all week. It's nice that the shul is coming together to talk about how Shlomo is such a Yutz, and how they want to help him. And everybody talked, and catch this, now everybody thinks Shlomo is a Yutz. And that is how our community helps people. Thanksgiving at our shul is a great way to celebrate European cuisine. I didn't understand that corned beef is salt beef. The Puritans protested by using corn for everything. That was their protest against Britain. Now we know the reason for bourbon. The class on smiling was just awkward. Getting these people to smile is more painful than sitting next to Sadie. It was even more painful than having to look at Shlomo's tweed. The most forced thing I ever saw. Fran smiling. I had nightmares. Our congregants smiling is not a Bracha. Tags:
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As we were learning Jewish history, my students asked about Karaites. I know very little about Karaites and their traditions, so I shall educate you on what they do. As your rabbi, I will answer all your questions. Knowledge will not be a hindrance in our relationship.
The Karaites reject the Oral traditions of the Torah, including the Talmud and rabbinic law. Thus, I will assume their traditions are connected to the Sadducees who tended to take the Torah literally. Due to the rejection of the divinity of oral law, the rabbinate considers their tradition to be heretical. Nonetheless, many consider Karaites as cultural Jews living in Israel, because people hate them too. Traditional Jewish belief is that the Oral law was given to Moshe along with the written Torah. And then there is some other stuff in the Talmud where the rabbis were like, "There is no way Gd meant that." So, they argued and went with what Beit Hillel said. And then they argued about that. And now, just to spite the rabbis, Karaites don't argue. Here are some known Karaite traditions, and others I speculate are traditions. OK. All speculative. In the spirit of no Oral Torah, let us go on the heretical journey of taking the Torah literally. It says in the Shema to see your Tzitzit. Hence, hanging Tzitzit and Tallit on the wall seems like an excellent idea. It keeps them cleaner. My Tzitzit are full of sweat stains. And there is no Rabbinic tradition for ring around the collar to set in. "Don't cook a kid in its mother's milk." It says that a few times in the Torah. Why? Because you just don't do it. You should be cooking with water. The Torah is giving simple culinary advice. That, and don't eat a stork. Ever tried stork? Disgusting. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Foot for foot. The oral law teaches that the Torah refers to monetary damages when it says these ideas of wound for wound. The Torah is just teaching that organs and appendages are not all that important. I would agree, Iranian Sharia law is the right thing here. It should be a limb for a limb. You go through a stop sign, they cut off your arms, and pull out your eyes. And that is how you get people to follow the law. Shemot (21:25) includes a bruise for a bruise. In that case, the Beit Din court should punch the guy. You stand him up and take a whack. The bruise for bruise is quite complicated. You want to get the bruise just right. You’ve got to figure out the hematoma angles. Take turns punching and pinching the guy. Sometimes you have to stone them. Maybe spit on them for the right bruise effect. Sometimes you need a good pinch, and then a bite. Getting the correct tooth mark in the guy is not easy. (Devarim 28:9) "And you shall follow in His ways." This is talking about Gd. Many have taken this literally and followed Steve, as Steve was passing by when they first read this. For those who took the time to know the full Pasuk, and to follow Gd, they started burning bushes and splitting waters. The Karaites are well known for building dams. This law is also referenced when keeping Shabbat in a hotel with electric doors. You wait for a nonJew to walk into the building, then you follow them. And then you follow them onto the elevator and get off on their floor. (Vayikra 19:32) "Glorify the face of an older person." You see an eighty-five-year-old sitting at the park, paint the face. And then let them know this is a sign of respect. Pastels and glitter are preferred for glorification. Who needs the rabbis when you have Seichel. (Vaykira 19:18) “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Misinterpret this one and you might lose your family. This one is a homewrecker. Vaiykra chapter nineteen really kills good times. (19:16) Can't be "a gossipmonger among your people." You have to go on vacation just to get out a good story about Shloimi. You have to find some decent Canaanites. They appreciate good Lashon Hara about the tribe of Zevulun. (19:17) "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." You have to let them know how much you hate them. Makes for very uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. If you have sisters, you can hate them. That's just natural. (19:36) "You shall have true scales." That's a great way to feel bad about yourself during the holiday season. (19:3) "Man shall fear his mother and his father." You go to sleep at night, you're having nightmares. If you're not scared in your house, you are a sinner. If it's literal, I literally suggest to stay away from Vayikra chapter nineteen. And this is why we need the Oral tradition. So I can sleep at night, especially with my neighbors being right next door. As we have gotten nowhere in our understanding of Karaite tradition, let's talk more. Karaites don't use Mezuzahs or Tefillin, because there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to go broke. This is also why they don't take the Lulav and Etrog on Sukkot. Prices on that have gone up too much. Please note that Karaites do keep many Shabbat and holiday laws, as well as family purity laws, quite strictly, unless if it's your neighbor. I am just coming to help educate, as a rabbi. And thus, I will not be listened to. Especially, by the members of my shul. Whatever the Karaite community truly does, we don't accept their practice as proper Jewish belief. I for one follow rabbinic Judaism, and I sweat in my Tzizit. On our next trip down Karaite Lane, we will discuss more literal Torah that Jews don't do. I had to put that in here so I can keep my job as the rabbi. We can also discuss the Oral tradition and rabbinic laws that my congregants don't do. In the meantime, if you are taking the command to follow in the ways seriously, be careful. They may report you to the cops. That has happened to me on many Shabbats when I was trying to get into my hotel. And we are left with questions: “Do Karaites mix black wool socks and white linen quilts in the laundry?” Of course not. “Do Karaites tithe vegetables and fruit?” Not in America. “Are Karaites Jewish?” It depends on if their mother is Jewish. And they don't accept that. And I know very little about Karaites. And now the Karaite community hates me too. I am going to stick to the orthodox community rabbi thing. They're the only ones that will have me now. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing. We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur. We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus. (Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in... You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears... Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears... At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week... (Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room... Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me... We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it. You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!! These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it. Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing. LISTEN!!! Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous. Just ask for forgiveness. How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard... Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich. At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that. Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter... It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing. He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out... It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people... No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security... You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in. The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening... Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning... The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah... It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah... You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security… Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka. Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth... Rivka's Rundown The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands. The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old. Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear. The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything. If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house. I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here. The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up. So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing. Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those. I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count. They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up. I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul. I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me. I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul. There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there. By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep. Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah. The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit. And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful. Tags:
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Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that. As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different. By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it. Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis. Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul. They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you. They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you. Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy." Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis." They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower. By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers. I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people. I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'" I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues. And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food. I don't know. They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me. LSimchas, David Tags:
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Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability. I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick. When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled. They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far. Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer? I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." "Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils. It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate." I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying. Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?! I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good. At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them. "And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person. Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is. I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven. I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening. And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff. I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey." I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot. They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit. By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t. It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner? LSimchas, David Tags:
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The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long. The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot." He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act. The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out." For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out. Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages. Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here? The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava. So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut. Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again. Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?! Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break. The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder. Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking." They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade. The Conclusion- Gittin 57a The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing. Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen. Lessons of What Followed Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party. The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut. Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host. Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name." You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it. It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.” Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice. Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago." ***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a. 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Many people don’t know this, but the Beit HaMikdash has not been rebuilt because of people not sharing sidewalks.
It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians.
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass. We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem. BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them. Act Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem. This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill. Problem a) People do not share. b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too. c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up. d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work. e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible. In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers. e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism. f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain. Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One. Solution a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest. b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers. I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down. c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops. d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming. e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up. h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes. i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail. This will get the Temple rebuilt. Backup Solution More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Chukat7/6/2025
Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante. End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids. The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.” The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that. Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom... (Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend... We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah... Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.” There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism... Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom... I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone... What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom. I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come. July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element. It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom... Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?! Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom. Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people... We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone... Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise... What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism... Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it. I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore... I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is... Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues... It seems like you value water slides more than Torah. The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board... The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink. Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven. (Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month... Rivka's Rundown The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom. The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids. The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping. The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house. Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul. The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.” They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American. Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth." Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself. They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything. There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants. After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts. It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw. The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth. I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me. It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done. It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason. Tags:
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We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. (Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching. For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society. Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away. One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions. Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives. The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nasso6/8/2025
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Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give. It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha. And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom... (Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs. Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner. "Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is. I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?... The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva. And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation. No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation... Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics... This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay. Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum. Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation. It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors. There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat. You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly. Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!... This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk... It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper. Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur... You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah. I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation. We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy... The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men. Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault... We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you... We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks... We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want... We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!! Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous... Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's... In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners... Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that. To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense." Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi. The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff... I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers. The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people. The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing. The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima. Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul. People come to shul to talk. For good conversation. At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money. The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that." Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else. The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd." Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish. Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit. The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul. The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity. A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy. Tags:
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Circle Dancing at the Kotel – On the Bridge with My Brothers: Adventures of Mikakel Kaleekaku6/4/2025 
That will definitely disturb my Davening. Happy people have a way of getting in the way of Kavanah.
We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world. Singing Continues After Your Pray I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets. Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes. Holding Hands In the Moment When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced. Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people. The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me. I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. And Now "Acheinu" All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze. Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened. The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that. "Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat. I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight. The Sun Is Rising The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration. It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired. Final Conclusion I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us. The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students." And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot. And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form. I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either. "Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day. I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times. I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans. And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. 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Announcements
We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song. We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.” We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position. After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.” Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you... (Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask... Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination... What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made... The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme... And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!! (Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...” Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery. Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape. Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening... Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you... You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants... It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough... We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed... We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18... Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent... It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah... Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners. I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece. Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food. And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate... The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet. Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet. (Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel... Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination... Rivka's Rundown And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'" "Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav. He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs. The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job. The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart. The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants. To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees." Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka. The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous. They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail." And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now. The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault." They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition. You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd. Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money." They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating. They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme. The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses. The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim. I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas. Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there. Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps. Tags:
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Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation. President: We need more money. Secretary: How do we get it? President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die. Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board. President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death. Secretary: We can focus on dues. President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus. Secretary: But Simchas are nice. President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks. Secretary: But they rent the hall? President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it. Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate. President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies. Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish. Secretary: Why? President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money. Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life. President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque." Rabbi: What about Kaddish? President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that. DISSOLVE TO Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes. President: Dedication plaques We need more. Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted. Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead. Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah. Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats. President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques. Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything. President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death. Secretary: What about asking for donations? President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand. Secretary: Is it always eighteen? Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens. President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand. They continue walking. The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door. Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"? President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed. The president looks at the rabbi. Speech donations. Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it. President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died. They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening. President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque. Secretary: It's just a fridge. Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel. President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf. Secretary: What about the vegetable bins? Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians. President: Get them to plaque it. Looking at the secretary. Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down. Tablecloth. No plaque on it. Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth. President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it. Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give. Secretary: But they haven't died. President: Not yet. Give them a plaque. Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders. Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best. Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine. President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke. Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family. President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine. What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons. THE END Kibbitzer Conclusion The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic. They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer. After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah." The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere. The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away." All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand. The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba. The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences." The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise. The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor5/18/2025
Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months. Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it. We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year. Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic. Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven... You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow... You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people. (Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that. What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens... Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up... Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people... Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?! You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford... Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact... A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul. You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it. Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong... So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made... You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day. Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness. Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent. Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong. I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?... We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph. The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better... They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house... We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do... This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma... You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave.... There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul. Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???! All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens... I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom... From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything. But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple. Rivka's Rundown Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy. The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy." The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise. The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows. I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each. Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore." The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone. They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.” It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330. Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across. And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most. Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k. By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar. Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar. That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact. The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi. Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves. The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye." The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral. Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper. The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed. And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up. Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest." Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up. The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pikudei3/30/2025 
Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season. The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul. Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie. We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears. We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service. They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi. (Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse... That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you... (Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max. Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul. Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you... What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money... Why the baseball game? It’s March. You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong. How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place... Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that. I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew... Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed... Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing. You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas... What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work... H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing... Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA? Hence. Not blessed... I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading... No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing... Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit... Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed. Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?... No blessings for you. H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed. Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition... It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding… There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar... Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building... I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it. I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless. Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes. We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake. It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint. Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired. The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale. This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling. Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you. People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected. Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel3/23/2025
Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot. We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta. Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues." We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel. Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul. (Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help... Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron... We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes... Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim... The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart. (Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place... Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King... Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!... The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section... What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants... It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale... Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants... Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls. Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t. The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry. The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge. By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it. The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent. The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi. The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes. His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis." Tags:
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It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too. Trying to Get the Minyin The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect. Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey. We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy. They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul." Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage. The Gabai Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah. This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham. It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel. Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis. Rabbi Shows to Shul Late There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody. The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time. The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi. Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi. The Bar Mitzvah Boy Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off. They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless. Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts. The Grammen When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form. The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit. Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried. The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel. The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser. The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year. Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side. Tags:
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Let's finish the "English Alephs."
As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?" Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame." Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better. Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden. Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife." Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service." Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like." ***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick Tags:
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If somebody at the Seder tells you the salt water is low in sodium, take it with a grain of salt. You get it? Salt has sodium. So, take more salt. Whatever you need to do to make the Seder more meaningful, by making things harder to eat, do it. We bring our puns to add to your Passover experience. If you’re the one who made the salt water, you can share the joy of Mordechai’s pun, while handing someone a grain of salt. When delivering puns, always ask, “What would Mordechai do?” Oh. "Take it with a grain of salt" means don't take it to heart. Now you get the pun. 
I did not clean that shelf last year. The mushrooms might not be fresh. Yet, that can is sealed nice and tight. I am at an impasse… Thank Gd for Pesach. I’m must’ve not got to that cupboard since 2008.
That’s why those cans are good. They remind you how long it’s been since you cleaned. 
Click on the picture for tickets to share laughs with David Kilimnick in Jerusalem on Thursday, February 12th
Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
3/5/2026
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