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Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone. “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year. (Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it. People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke... You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You Have to Pay a Shadchan12/12/2024
You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan. Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married. The Source For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for. The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish. You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch." What Is the Labor It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on. All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea. How Much You Must Pay If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan. If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee. Who Pays? Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans. If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K. Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates? No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question. Excellent question. There are no rebates. I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with." How to Avoid Paying Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago. Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas. Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift. And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause. Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment. What If You Already Like the Girl Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run. It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas. However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married. The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The shul Turkey Bowl will be next Shabbis. We ask you celebrate Thanksgiving with nonviolence, even though there’ll be food. It’s been violent in years past, due to only offering two turkeys. This year there’ll be four turkeys so that nobody runs over Fran or Ethel. We ask everybody be nice to the losers in our shul. They’re lonely. They all sit together. The eighteen of them crowd around their table. Sitting there talking with each other and lonely. We welcome the Bar Mitzvah kid’s family. Though you are guests and we're happy to have you, we will not feed you or your animals. It’s getting too expensive. Ask your brother-in-law to put out some money for once. The guy hasn’t sponsored a Kiddish. We want to apologize for any Shidduch ideas given to you by Chaya Tova. We know they are bad. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Attacking a Turkey Violently with Mendel Baruch. How to Be a Loser like our Members. Bad Shidduch Ideas with Chaya Tova. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... She lived one life... I know it says Chayei... Maybe it should've said "Chay Sarah." But it didn't. And you would've asked if she is still living... Eliezer is sent to find a wife for Yitzchak. Avraham doesn’t trust any Shadchan. Avraham would’ve never sent Chaya Tova out there. She’s a Yenta and she has the worst ides for Shidduchs. Which is why Noach is still single... (Bereishit 24:14) In his prayer to Gd to help him find a wife real quickly for Yitzchak, Eliezer says, “And the girl that I tell, ‘Please give me your pitcher and I will drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink and I will also give your camels water,' she is proven for your servant Yitzchak. And by her, I will know that you did kindness (Chesed) with my master.” He based the proper wife on Midot. Positive attributes in actions. He could've said, "If she says, 'No. You get the water,' I will know that she is a daughter of Howard Felsenberg... Eliezer didn’t want to work hard. That’s why it’s a great act of Chesed. He wanted it done quickly. First girl that says I’ll help. Right when I got to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I knew nobody would help with a Minyin. I realized that right away. It was a Chesed from H' that I knew to never expect anything from our congregants... It is a Chesed to find somebody a wife that is good for them. Not somebody Chaya Tova suggests... I know this, because the Shidduchs that Chaya Tova does are not Chesed. Worst ideas... Good and decent people Chaya Tova. Not people who are desperate and not good looking... It was kindness. Something the Shadchans in our community don’t do. Simcha and Noach have never said, “Thank you Faigel for setting us up with the girl nobody likes.” Rashi teaches that “she will be proven (shown)” means that she is “one who does acts of kindness, and she is worthy to enter into the house of Avraham.” People who don’t do kindness are not welcome. Which is why I always say the board members and the president are not welcome in our shul... I know they claim that they run it... What makes somebody fit to be part of Avraham’s family? Giving. Kindness. And Kindness to animals. To be fit for our shul, you have to want to eat as much as you can at Kiddish, and to ensure that others will not get Kugel. You take and make sure you have. Then you don’t offer others. Girls are not like this nowadays... Nowadays, you have to draw the water and cook for yourself. Not fit for Avraham’s family... You offer food. Even to Bar Mitzvah kids’ families. Have you seen how bad the catering is?! They invite them for the weekend, to a Simcha, and don't feed them. They ask you to the host their family and then you have to feed their family... Bad catering would not have been in Avraham’s family. They served tongue. Eliezer made sure they had good food... They’re guests in our shul. You let them get to the Kiddish first... Animal food is crazy expensive. That's why we don't serve it at Kiddish. We would have dogs elbowing each other to get to the treats. Kindness of H', kindness of Eliezer, kindness of Rivka. That is what makes for good family and guests that we don't have to take care of... They're your guests Baruch... Then drop off food baskets before the event... The Tukey Bowl is not a physical activity. Our congregants would not participate in anything that might be deemed healthy. It’s a big bowl a turkey cooked in for Shabbat Kiddish. If you eat free food, you’re worthy to enter into our community. Rivka was a giver. She would've let other people take turkey first. She would've served them... She wasn't cheap. She couldn’t give Coke. They didn’t have Coca-Cola three thousand years ago. Rivka would've shared the turkey... It’s hard to tell who the losers are. But they’re part of the community. They are still nice. They are losers and nice... That one is smug. A smug loser. You don’t have to be nice to her. Mocking everybody with her loserness... I understand they have more friends than you, Shlomo. You're not a loser. You just have no personality... Pets are not allowed at Kiddish anymore... I don’’t think Eliezer was praying for a girl that would bring her cat to Kiddish. It’s about being a giver. That’s what Avraham’s family represented. Thinking about others. Not like the board... Work on better Shidduch ideas. When setting up somebody you care about, think “who would not fit into our congregation.” That is a good a person that a family would want... (Bereishit 24:22) Of course he gave her a gold nose ring. What girl would want to marry a guy without money and nose rings?!... Nobody in our congregation gives anything. Not even their dues... Rivka's Rundown The girls in our community are not happy with the guy options either. The worst Shidduch ideas. Never trust Chaya Tova. One time she set up Noach. Killed her reputation with the girls. Many congregants said that Rivka only gave water because it was free. At least she shared it. The people in our shul like to take stuff. They never give. I’ve never been offered even water. I fainted once and somebody else took the water. Only time they gave money was at the raffle. They were hoping to take the prize. The rabbi went off on women not helping around the house... He seems to be very against the feminist movement It's a Chutzpah. They invite their family for the Shabbis of the Bar Mitzvah, to my house. It's a bit crazy when they’re hosting the Bar Mitzvah and half of their cousins are staying at my house. And I have to feed them. The Fleishmann family truly expects me to be righteous. They figure that as long as there are righteous people in the community, they don't have to do anything. The Turkey Bowl brings people to shul, to eat. Like every Shabbis. Free food. The one thing I don't understand is that the turkey bowl is a plain pot. The losers have more friends than me. The Dungeons and Dragons players are the cool people. The losers are hanging out with people, partying. Having conversation. The losers are the cool guys. Nasty losers who rag on everybody. how does that work? Maybe it's because they have the friends to back them. I feel like the non-losers need friends. They're sitting there, looking all hip, with a guy that comes for a "what's up" every five minutes. Then they're stuck standing there with a hand in the pocket and one holding a drink, staring out to nowhere, like a JC Penney ad. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It was the young man's engagement party. We'll call him Shmuel Baruch. Well, Shmuel Baruch was very nervous. He had impressed the young woman, but he had not impressed the rabbis yet. None of them agreed to marry him.
At an engagement party (we'll call it a Vort, a LChaim, a Tichel party- anything to get more gifts), there were many rabbis. Why so many rabbis were there is a question people are still asking. The Shidduch was already made. They already knew he was Jewish. It was too late to change the thing. But, you never know what can happen once community gets involved in a marriage. The Chatan, groom, got up to give a speech and quoted a Minchat Chinuch. He didn't have any original ideas, so he quoted Rabbi Yosef Ben Moshe Babad. We know him as the Minchat Chinuch, because by the time you finish saying his name, people are asking if the guy finished the Dvar Torah yet. In the middle of the speech, a commotion came from the rabbis' table. It wasn't a sermon. You can't talk during a sermon. You can talk during a Dvar Torah given by anybody that isn't a rabbi. Halacha. I'm assuming. One rabbi was telling the others that he's never seen that Minchat Chinuch. So they all started mocking the Chatan. I was impressed the Chatan was able to quote a Minchat Chinuch. Forget about whether it exists or not. The fact that he quoted the Minchat Chinuch is impressive. The rabbis should've been commotioning about that. But instead they mocked, "Look at the guy misquoting the Minchat Chinuch. He couldn't even misquote a Sugiah from the Gemara. Pathetic. My son-in-law misquotes Tosfos." The commotion died down and the Chatan finished his Dvar Torah. I thought he was done when he returned to his speech and went on to tell everybody the name of the author of the Minchat Chinuch. I should note, he was a religious Chatan, a Frum groom. He was a Chussan. Rabbi Elyashiv saw this and made it a point to check into it, as the Chussan was correct. He was quoting the Minchat Chinuch correctly, though it wasn't a Gemara. It had Gemara in it, but it wasn't Gemara. Rav Elyashiv realized that negative thoughts can sit there and simmer, even if they're not true. Which is why people still think it's a good idea to serve black and white cookies instead of chocolate peanut butter squares. Rabbi Elyashiv asked where the father-in-law to be is in the mornings. It turns out the father-in-law goes to the Mikvah every morning at 4am, to wash himself off of the contamination of a son-in-law. Rav Elyashiv said, "Convenient. 4am is perfect. I'll be there. 4am at the Mikvah." Apparently, there is no Minchat Chinuch about that. It turns out 4am is Rabbi Elyashiv preferred time for meetings. To ensure the father-in-law didn't have time to think about this foolish son-in-law to be, Rabbi Elyashiv was at the Mikvah at 4am. The father-in-law was listening to Rabbi Elyashiv. You listen to a rabbi when he meets you at the Mikvah. It's a very awkward situation. You're trying to dunk and they're not even handing you a towel. You try to make it out out of there. You sit there and listen to what the guy has to say. Rabbi Elyashiv gave the father-in-law a package. Inside was an old Minchat Chinuch. Rabbi Elyashiv didn't have the money for a new one. He was supporting a Beit Midrash, and all of his time he could've spent focusing on the stock market, people were asking him Halachik questions. The price of being a Gadol HaDor. Very expensive, and you're broke. Turns out people don't pay for you to answer their questions. Rabbi Elyashiv turned to the page and pointed, "This is the Minchat Chinuch your son-in-law quoted last night." It might have been a different one. The father-in-law was spacing out the whole time the Chussan was talking, trying to figure out why his daughter wasn't marrying the rich one, the one was carrying his own new Minchat Chinuch. Negative thoughts develop. even if they're not true. By jumping on the issue right away and meeting the father-in-law at the Mikvah at 4am, Rabbi Elyashiv saved the son-in-law from negative thoughts developing about him by his father-in-law. Thoughts that would've been much worse if the son-in-law had shown up at 4:15am to take a dunk in the Mikvah. When the father-in-law now thinks of his son-in-law, he thinks the guy is a Yutz who can't make a living. Lessons of What Followed As we learn from the rabbis, demeaning people is wrong, unless if you're mocking somebody for not knowing Torah. You don't let negative feelings simmer. You don't let Lashon Hara fly around. That's a different story about ripping a pillow and letting the feathers fly all over to teach somebody that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading. The lesson here is, you don't let people sit on bad thoughts of others. It creates a mindset you can't take back. Nothing to do with bedding. More Lessons Don't talk at your engagement party. You already got the girl. You don't have to prove anything anymore. Never talk in front of rabbis. When there are rabbis at your party, let them speak. Otherwise, they're going to interrupt you. Sit the rabbis with their congregants. They won't want to talk. If they talk, the congregants will fall asleep. The true tragedy of this whole event is, that nobody talks about, they only had one platter of chocolate peanut butter squares at the engagement party. They were gone in a minute. It turns out the rabbis were talking about their disappointment in having to eat black and white cookies. They were mocking the assortment of pastry. Final Lesson If you ever have something important to tell somebody, say it to them at the Mikvah at 4am. Epilogue And since then, stories of inspiration have been told about Chatans to many single people. These include inspirational stories of the eighty-year-old who still got married. Told to a twenty-five-year-old, to instill hope in the young soul, letting him know he'll be single for another fifty-five years. The rabbi still has not seen that Minchat Chinuch. It turns out he doesn't learn Sefer HaChinuch either. Why didn't Rav Elyashiv correct the rabbi there, when the Chatan was giving the Dvar Torah? Because he wasn't at the Mikvah. You don't correct people who are fully dressed. ***I probably got the story wrong. See Living Chessed (p.28-29) by R' Avrohom Asher Makovsky who hopefully recounts the story correctly. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws. A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah. Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage... Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs. Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta. After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts. Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah. (Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you. H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.
It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled. Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue. The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.' Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives. Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls. Now the arguments with the wives started. The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house. They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant. The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage. For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys. One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.' Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.' Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha. It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight. Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you. We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser. The Half Person Speech 'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not. Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse. You Need Man and Woman 'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes. 'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis. The You Weren't Happy Speech Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.' They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling. Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.' You Were A Bachur 'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl. Bayit Ne'eman That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith. There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.' Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.' Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married. Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire. And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight. Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house. I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.
You're Introduced to the Family He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.' His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that. He Introduces You to His Brother Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?! You're His Plus One The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage. If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over. He Yells at You That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel. Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing. He Stops Getting the Car Door for You He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date. He Says He Loves Your Cooking You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it. He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship. He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work. He Posts a Picture of the Two of You He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care. A Lollipop on Shabbis That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works. He Starts Asking You for Stuff He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job. There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen. For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child. For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen. The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’ It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war. After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together. After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the frontlines. Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war. Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there. How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him. The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs. They Will Never Trust You You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would. It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party. If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care. Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis. Women Like Surprises They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date. Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to. How it Works At a Simcha You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet). Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her. They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women. If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim. How It Works The Rest of the Time People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives. The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher. And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over. Even Online You Need A Shidduch Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you. It Gives the Community Something To Do This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish. When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you. It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well. If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara. So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues. You Need a Reason for a Minivan To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries. You Save Money On Dues Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin. There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids. You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl. The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not. I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them. You Can Enjoy the Holidays You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop. You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. Reason for A Freezer The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. Real Frum families have a walk in. It's a Mitzvah Nobody thought about that. Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do. Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary. So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish Love Notes2/22/2022
Valentine's Day just passed, so we can finally talk about love as Jews. There is time to Tu BAv, so let's start preparing now.
As I have recently turned religious, I have much experience dating, and I want to help us, as Jews, bring Kedusha (holiness) to the idea of love notes. Here are some Jewish love notes, that you can use. I love you so much. I want to see you in a shaytel. Make sure you really love them, before telling them you want to see them with a head-covering. You can't play with people's emotions. Especially telling them you want to see them in a shaytel, another person's hair; that is the next level love and commitment. Tichels or bandannas are not as intimate as another person's hair. You want to go to Kiddish with me? Sharing Kiddish is an intimate experience. If you've been together for many years, you can let them know that you will make space for them to get to the choolante. Fighting off other people for them shows that you are their night and shining armor. Your scholarliness makes me want to learn Torah with you. That may be forward, as it shows a lot of passionate intention. I want a beautiful Shabbat table. That is the line. Nothing will win the love of a Jewish woman more than saying 'Shabbat table.' Just say 'Shabbat table' and you are good to go. I want to share a Shabbat table with you, at my parents' house. If you are young, that is a safer bet. You don't want to be stuck writing a note that requires you to make a Shabbat meal. It's easier to depend on your mother. I want to introduce you to my parents. They are going to be involved in the relationship. You have no choice. Might as well introduce them right away. Start off the relationship with proper expectations. I love you so much, I will treat you to a Kosher restaurant. That takes a lot of savings. Anything more than a Kosher pizza shop is going to force you to lose a lot of money. I want to treat you to a candle lit dinner at a five star restaurant. This is great, as there are no Kosher restaurants in your area. The thought means everything, and you save money. This is why you don't mention having a dinner at your place. You would have to pay for that. Will you go to the separate beaches of Israel with me? You have to go to different beaches. But to go at the same time, that is romance. I want to see you on the other side of the Mechitzah. Telling them you want to see them in shul, on the other side of the partition, is love. Only share this with somebody you want to marry. Remember, we don't play with emotions, especially when it comes to separating in public. With this note of love, you will also be suggesting that you will be driving to Frum weddings in the future, where you will not be seeing each other. Will you be my Shidduch? You can even ask if they will be your spouse. Saying 'Shidduch' chases away less girls, and it can push off the marriage for many years. What's great about saying 'Shidduch' is that it allows you to feel like a whole community is part of your relationship. It also helps you feel like you are always on a first date, and that you have to report what happened to other people. I am going to ask the Shadchan about you. Wow. Hold on there young lad. That is as forward as you can get. Saying that you are going to get the matchmaker involved in asking her out, that is a bit crazy. Getting a Shadchan involved is saying marriage. Once the matchmaker is involved, you are not going on dates to enjoy yourself. That's what I've learned over my time as a Frum Jew. You get the matchmaker involved and you're now accountable for your relationship, and birthing the next generation of Jews. That Shadchan is going to be following up on your relationship, daily. You Want to be my plus one. In the days of polygamy this was the number one sold Hallmark card. I believe our forefathers used this. I want five kids. State the fact that you want five kids. Nothing else. No need to tell them with whom. Just stating it, they will know you are serious about a relationship. With whom is not important. I had my tonsils taken out. Nothing more intimate than sharing your medical history. Truth be told, any form of complaint is the greatest show of love to your Jewish romance. Clean the fridge. And don't leave your stuff out. Insinuating a fight should only be used if you are already engaged and committed to marriage. Whatever your note, don't pull the strings of one's heart, unless if you are ready to commit to their parents as in-laws. You should all find love and share a home of many notes that don't only express anger. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right.
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married. Married People Invite You and Feed You Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs. Too Old to be an Uncle I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym. Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers. You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing! Somebody to Scream At There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at. Somebody to Complain To If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that. Have Kids The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. To Not Get Old Alone It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too. Another Reason to Have Kids Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary. Decent Food for Dinner For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer. is continually thawed out for your enjoyment. This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to. So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
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It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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