Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen.
For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child.
For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen.

The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’
It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war.
After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together.
After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the army.
Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war.
Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there.

How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him.

The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do.

The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs.

They Will Never Trust You
You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would.
It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party.
If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care.
Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis.

Women Like Surprises
They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date.
Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to.

How it Works At a Simcha
You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet).
Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her.
They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women.
If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim.

How It Works The Rest of the Time
People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives.
The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher.
And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over.

Even Online You Need A Shidduch
Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you.

It Gives the Community Something To Do
This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish.
When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you.
It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well.
If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara.

So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.

Valentine's Day just passed, so we can finally talk about love as Jews. There is time to Tu BAv, so let's start preparing now.
As I have recently turned religious, I have much experience dating, and I want to help us, as Jews, bring Kedusha (holiness) to the idea of love notes. Here are some Jewish love notes, that you can use.

I love you so much. I want to see you in a shaytel.
Make sure you really love them, before telling them you want to see them with a head-covering. You can't play with people's emotions. Especially telling them you want to see them in a shaytel, another person's hair; that is the next level love and commitment. Tichels or bandannas are not as intimate as another person's hair. 

You want to go to Kiddish with me?
Sharing Kiddish is an intimate experience. If you've been together for many years, you can let them know that you will make space for them to get to the choolante. Fighting off other people for them shows that you are their night and shining armor.

Your scholarliness makes me want to learn Torah with you.
That may be forward, as it shows a lot of passionate intention.

I want a beautiful Shabbat table.
That is the line. Nothing will win the love of a Jewish woman more than saying 'Shabbat table.' Just say 'Shabbat table' and you are good to go.

I want to share a Shabbat table with you, at my parents' house.
If you are young, that is a safer bet. You don't want to be stuck writing a note that requires you to make a Shabbat meal. It's easier to depend on your mother.

I want to introduce you to my parents.
They are going to be involved in the relationship. You have no choice. Might as well introduce them right away. Start off the relationship with proper expectations.

I love you so much, I will treat you to a Kosher restaurant.
That takes a lot of savings. Anything more than a Kosher pizza shop is going to force you to lose a lot of money.

I want to treat you to a candle lit dinner at a five star restaurant.
This is great, as there are no Kosher restaurants in your area. The thought means everything, and you save money. This is why you don't mention having a dinner at your place. You would have to pay for that.

Will you go to the separate beaches of Israel with me?
You have to go to different beaches. But to go at the same time, that is romance.

I want to see you on the other side of the Mechitzah.
Telling them you want to see them in shul, on the other side of the partition, is love. Only share this with somebody you want to marry. Remember, we don't play with emotions, especially when it comes to separating in public. With this note of love, you will also be suggesting that you will be driving to Frum weddings in the future, where you will not be seeing each other. 

Will you be my Shidduch?
You can even ask if they will be your spouse. Saying 'Shidduch' chases away less girls, and it can push off the marriage for many years. What's great about saying 'Shidduch' is that it allows you to feel like a whole community is part of your relationship. It also helps you feel like you are always on a first date, and that you have to report what happened to other people.

I am going to ask the Shadchan about you.
Wow. Hold on there young lad. That is as forward as you can get. Saying that you are going to get the matchmaker involved in asking her out, that is a bit crazy.
Getting a Shadchan involved is saying marriage. Once the matchmaker is involved, you are not going on dates to enjoy yourself. That's what I've learned over my time as a Frum Jew. You get the matchmaker involved and you're now accountable for your relationship, and birthing the next generation of Jews. That Shadchan is going to be following up on your relationship, daily.

You Want to be my plus one.
In the days of polygamy this was the number one sold Hallmark card. I believe our forefathers used this. 

I want five kids.
State the fact that you want five kids. Nothing else. No need to tell them with whom. Just stating it, they will know you are serious about a relationship. With whom is not important.

I had my tonsils taken out.
Nothing more intimate than sharing your medical history. Truth be told, any form of complaint is the greatest show of love to your Jewish romance.

Clean the fridge. And don't leave your stuff out.
Insinuating a fight should only be used if you are already engaged and committed to marriage.

Whatever your note, don't pull the strings of one's heart, unless if you are ready to commit to their parents as in-laws. You should all find love and share a home of many notes that don't only express anger.

Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right. 
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married.

Married People Invite You and Feed You
Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs.

Too Old to be an Uncle
I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym.

Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table
I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers.

You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering
You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing!

Somebody to Scream At
There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at.

Somebody to Complain To
If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that.

 Have Kids
The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. 

To Not Get Old Alone
It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too.

Another Reason to Have Kids
Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. 
You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary.

Decent Food for Dinner
For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer.  is continually thawed out for your enjoyment.
This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to.

So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you.