Many have asked me, as their rabbi, if it's a Mitzvah to celebrate New Year's Eve. Many do not know this, but New Year's Eve is not one of the New Years brought in the Torah. Gd did not command us to get drunk and wear a Santa hat. Hence, it's not a Mitzvah. Even so, New Year's is a Jewish day, and that is why we start New Year's at night. Let us now delve into some of the traditions of Rosh Hashana and New Year's Eve and how they differ.

New Year's: People go out and drink a lot of alcohol.
Rosh Hashana: We stay in and drink a lot of Manischewitz.
There is no Mitzvah of Kiddish on New Year's. Thus, you can drink any kind of alcohol you would like. The only issue is that most bars do not stock up on Manischewitz for New Year's.

New Year’s: Watch the apple drop in New York City.
Rosh Hashana: Do I even have to say?! You get it.

New Year's: Celebrate with party.
Rosh Hashana: Celebrate with brisket.
You can also celebrate Rosh Hashana with Davening. However, it's hard to eat brisket while praying.

New Year’s: They have sales.
Rosh Hashana: Nothing is on sale. Even apples are marked up. The grocers know.

New Year's: Kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight. That's the only true tradition of New Year's Eve.
Rosh Hashana: If you kiss somebody you're going to hell, and you'll feel bad about it, and that makes you happy.
 
New Year’s: Make New Year’s resolutions to not eat.
Rosh Hashana: Eat as much as you can, because it is spiritual.
After eight and a half pounds of brisket on Rosh Hashana, you make a resolution to not eat.
Rosh Hashana and New Year's: After the resolution, you eat. It's tradition.
 
New Year’s: Make a resolution to never eat chocolate.
Rosh Hashana: Eat chocolate, because you ate it every day since January second.
 
New Year’s: No praying.
Rosh Hashana: We pray and we listen to the shofar.
The day after New Year’s, everybody is praying that they’ll feel better. And everything they hear sounds like a shofar being blown real loud, right in their face.
 
New Year’s: See famous people on TV.
Rosh Hashana: Finally see some famous people showing up to shul.

New Year's: People celebrate around the world with fireworks.
Rosh Hashana: If you see anything that looks or sounds like fireworks, that's probably an anti-Semite.

Rosh Hashana: Ask people and Gd for forgiveness, known as Teshuva.
New Year’s: Do as many things wrong that you can, so you have what to do on Rosh Hashana.
 
Rosh Hashana: Prepare for holiday by calling family and friends.
New Year’s: Forget to call family and friends. Drank too much.

Rosh Hashana: Everybody watches the guy blowing the shofar.
New Year's: Everybody watches the guy puking.
We've learned that there's a tradition a lot of people have to drink on New Year's Eve. If New Year's Eve doesn't fall out on Purim, you shouldn't drink.

Rosh Hashana: The whole family is around.
New Year's: You would feel too guilty to enjoy yourself if family was around.

All this said, you can still do Mitzvahs on New Year's Eve. And if you're not inebriated, you might end up eating brisket on New Year's. That's a Mitzvah.
New Year's and New Year are very different. You should all be blessed with a good New Year in September.

COVID is not a pandemic anymore and people still don't show up to shul. It turns out they just didn't want to go to shul. After much research over the past three years, it was reported that the COVID pandemic would've been over in three months if people wanted to go to shul.

The war in Ukraine is happening and they're blaming Jews for it.

Kanye West said he doesn't like his manager again. Which means that he hates all Jews, and he feels it's important to let people know that he hates all Jews until he makes more money.

Dave Chappelle cracks jokes about Hollywood being Jewish and says it's not antisemitism. Jews in Hollywood say it's antisemitism. It has been decided that as long as you don't fully agree with Kanye West, you're not an anti-Semite.

The community hosted Seniors Day. It was a beautiful day of recognizing these people didn't die. We'll hopefully see them again next August. Until then, nobody has to see old people.

I only heard Yapchik once this year. Finally, other people feel like they have to upchuck when they hear Yapchik. Yapchik is not the most popular Jewish food anymore. The amazing potato kugel with meat in it has been overtaken by the Jewish food known as beef jerky.
In many households of nonFrum Jews, shepherd's pie is still popular.

Shuls were attacked and bombed.

Antisemitism. There is antisemitism. That's the yearly antisemitism note on antisemitism.

Tent was at Shul for High Holidays for the overflow, even though the shul wasn't full. Being that COVID wasn't the reason for the tent, people just hung out there to not have to pray.

Elon Musk allows for people to post what they are thinking on Twitter. After over fifteen years of social media, it turns out that people are pro-Israel.

People are blaming Elon Musk for everything bad in their lives. He's not Jewish and they're blaming the Jews for him.
It turns out his name is Elon, because he wants to meet an Israeli girl for his next wife.

Mark Schwartz was honored for knowing people. The shul needed money and he is popular, so he was honored. This was the fifth time in six years that we honored somebody for 'knowing people.' We pray that somebody in the congregation will save a life at some point, so we can honor somebody for that too.

The Jewish Federation still needs your money.

The Jewish Federation started another legacy project. The funds from the previous legacy projects that failed are not there.

Israel had elections again. Guess what, Bibi is trying to put together a Unity Government. This announcement will be in next year's Year in Review.

The Yom Hashoah program was a great event. Friends getting together and sharing laughter. Lots of memorable pictures, as seen on Rachel's social media.

Jewish is finally an acceptable gender pronoun.

Three quarters of American Jews moved down to Florida, and they haven't even retired yet. Now Jews have a reputation as a very lazy people, who don't work even in their thirties. Kanye West agrees that all Jews are lazy.

More annual dinners took place for the Jewish day school, the Jewish Family Services, the other Jewish day school, the other Jewish day school, the nursery, the other Jewish nurseries, the Jewish high school, Michal's GoFundMe page, Sima's orthodontist work, the new ping pong table in the youth lounge, the Jewish Community Center, the Christian Foundation for Sports, the food pantry, The Acts of Loving Kindness Foundation, the other shul dinner, the dinner for the other shul, the other dinner for the other shul, the other shuls' dinners, Chabad, the other Chabad, the other Chabad run by the same person, and the Jewish Federation that funds them all. Anybody who didn't give to all the organizations is a miser. The community doesn't love them. We're sorry that none of the people that use the food pantry were able to afford the annual dinner.

The Shabbat Project was unsuccessful. Not enough money was raised for it, so there was no Shabbat this year.

The economy has taken a big hit, and they're blaming Jews for it.

Antisemitism happened.

Jewish parents have been working tirelessly to figure out a solution for the Jewish crisis. And still, no solution has been found for Jewish day school tuition.
This year, again, none of the families paid full tuition, except for two families who are not very happy. They found out they're the only ones paying. It turns out, they're the only ones who went to Jewish day school and never learned how to finagle. That's what Kanye West said.

A new popular Jewish catch phrase has taken hold. ‘That’s what Kanye said.’ One of the most well-known ones is ‘Russia is run by Jews… That’s what Kanye said.’

Announcements
Kids are mad about their gifts again this year. One kid threw his Rubik's Cube and yelled, 'Are we living in the 1980s?!!!' He then went on, 'They didn't buy me a computer for Chanukah because my parents don't love me.'
 
Falafel latkes was a disappointment to all. They tasted exactly like falafel. And they looked like falafel. Now, the community has no idea what to do for the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration this year.
 
It's snowing and windy. We'll see you in shul next week.
 
Shabbis candle lighting times are after Chanukah candle lighting times, whenever that is.
 
Sisterhood meeting will take place at the Sokolich residence. This way Mrs. Sokolich can air her grievances about the flower arrangements and the new head of the sisterhood who she doesn't like. She will also serve tea and coffee to let you know how coffee at Kiddish should taste.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…

If you cared, you'd figure out the Chanukah lighting times... The times are important. But you forgot them...
 
Paroh had a bad dream… I had a bad dream. Killed me. Woke me up. I dreamt I was still working at Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah in seven years…
I had a second bad dream too. I dreamt Bernie didn’t move down to Florida, and he was still here in seven years.
The Gabai explained my dreams to me. He said it will be seven bad years with annoying congregants and a president you can’t stand… No good years. Just seven bad years. A president who forgets stuff. You forget everything decent... Like Shabbis times and when Minyin is. And when to light Chanukah candles. And whose kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed... You make the wrong announcements.
 
Paroh can’t get anybody to explain his dreams. At least I have the Gabai. And even he can’t explain the president or Bernie to me… It's Paroh. I wanted to reiterate that for the president, so he remembers who had the dreams when he gives announcements...
All the sudden, the Head of Drinks comes and tells Paroh, (Bereishit 41:9-13) ‘My sin, I remember today… me and the Chamberlain of the Bakers… there was a Hebrew youth with us, a slave of the Head of the Butchers, and we told him, and he interpreted our dreams…’
You guys can't even remember your sins... Well let me help you. Not showing to shul. Not visiting the sick. Throwing your parents in nursing homes and never visiting. Do you keep Kosher?... That's another one. Lashon Hara. You all talk bad about everybody... I rebuke you in the sermons. It's to your face. Not educating your kids correctly. Karban Pesach...
 
All the sudden, he remembers Yosef. You didn't remember my raise. There was no all the sudden with that...
The Head of Drinks forgot. Kind of like the time the president forgot to tell me. ‘Ooops. We announced Shabbis for 5:30 instead of 4:30…’ Yes. That’s a big deal. People are starting Shabbis on Shabbis... An Am HaAretz. I don't know why we print the announcements anyways... Just read them. Stop being creative and people will know when to light candles. Am HaAretz...
 
 
His sin Why does he say ‘My sin’? What’s his sin? He forgot the good Yosef did for him.
You don’t forget the good people do for you. Unless if you’re one of my congregants... It's a sin to forget the good people do for you. HaKarat HaTov. Recognize the good... You can't recognize the good if you forget it all the time... It's easy to remember the bad. Just look at Bernie...
If Head of Drinks was in this shul, he would've forgotten the lighting times. You guys light your Chanukah candles at the weirdest hours... I know, because I have to sit in meetings with you people. And the meetings go on. And they go on. You guys don't stop. You talk about nothing... Your definitely not talking about Chanukah lighting times.

You forgot to turn on the heating in the sanctuary today… Yes. It’s a sin. When you forget, people freeze. Yosef suffered because the Drink guy forgot...
You forgot to filter the coffee. You killed Kiddish.
Nobody likes the coffee. Mrs. Sokolich is right… If the Head of the Drinks had made coffee like that, Paroh would’ve killed him too… Yes. The Chamberlain of the Cupbearers. What? Are we living in 15th century England?! Head of Drinks... If he forgot to add creamer like the new head of the sisterhood, Paroh would've killed him...

I had a nightmare that I would eat falafel instead of latkes, and it came true... H' interpreted it for me. The dream meant I would have to attend a really not good Chanukah party...
Yes. I remembered to show up to the shul's Chanukah party, because I care.
Most parents don't care.
If you cared about your kid, you would've gotten him something other than a Rubik's Cube... Yes. That shows you don't love him...

It's good not many people are here today... They didn't forget. They just don't want to come to shul... It's not COVID. You can't use COVID as an excuse anymore...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
A lot of forgetting in our congregation. I think the rabbi has to give the same message each week, because people forget they're wrong.

The rabbi went through everybody's sins. He even brought up Chanan being single and how that's a sin. The single girls in the congregation started crying in the middle of the sermon. They thought they just felt bad about not having kids. They now heard they're sinning too.
I think the rabbi is going to reuse this sermon for the Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeal. He saw people crying and he likes to exude tears with those sermons. Three years back, his Yizkur Appeal was about how singles are losers. They cried then too.

The rabbi wasn't talking to many people. They didn't show up because of the snow. It's amazing how Sakanat Nifashot, danger to life, because the most important law when it comes to going to shul. None of the congregants have ever been worried about their life at the supermarket.
It's cold in shul. Most people wouldn't know that as they don't show up.
They're still using COVID to get out of coming to shul during the summer months. During the winter it's nippy.
 
Kiddish coffee has not been good. I think they're serving decaf now.

Parents are starting to buy more stuff for their kids. They find it easier to not have to talk to them and to express their love with gifts. One parent gave their kid a gift certificate tot he Dollar Tree and said, 'That's eighteen gifts... That's how much I love you. None of your friends got eighteen gifts.'
One of the kids friends got a gaming laptop. To which the mom told their kid, 'But that's only one.'

Like fools, they lit at the end of the Chanukah party. Even at the Chanukah party they couldn't get the lighting right. You light when people come.
A board member said it was too dangerous to light around people, as there are kids. And so nobody saw it. And because the members forgot how to do a Mitzvah, the only miracle of Chanukah the community saw was the bouncy house.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, cold and Kotel Kippahs, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the Chabad rabbis for spreading the beautiful word of Chanukah with extremely huge Menorahs.

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.

Announcements
The wind is picking up outside. We suggest men wear winter hats to keep the Kippah down. It's very hard to attain a successful Kippah clampdown with your hand, and to keep warm at the same time.
 
The Shabbat compost bin is the trash can. That means you throw your trash in the compost, unless if it is trash. If it's real trash, you throw it in the trashcan. Your trash will be put in the earth.
Our shul supports littering. Our children are very good at it. They're very good at throwing their candy on the floor. They compost the wrappers.
 
Community Chanukah party will take place on Tuesday night. This way less people will show up and there will be less secret Maccabees.
 
The Latke and Hamentashen debate will not take place this year, as nobody cares to hear people arguing over which is better. It all depends on who makes them. And we all know that if Mrs. Friedberg is making the latkes, they will not taste good.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Root of all evil. Jealousy… It’s also the Gabai. I understand. But it’s jealousy and the president… Well, you kill the shul.

Yosef tells his brothers about the dreams. He would've told the board that he dreamt that the maintenance of the shul was done... The ballroom is in shambles. It will never get done. With the board at the helm. You can't dream of any committee in this congregation doing anything…
(Bereishit 36:11) ‘And his brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter.’ None of them got good sleep… They didn’t have a decent coat. Everybody wanted a decent coat… Not for the colors. But for the extra padding in the cold. It gets cold in the desert at night. One brother gets a decent coat, you get jealous... You get good sleep and you can dream. The brothers were freezing, tossing and turning...
 
Yakov knew that jealousy was worse than hatred. It wasn’t the hatred that threw Yosef in the pit. It was the jealousy. Which is why I always stay away from pits, and the Bima when the president is getting an Aliyah... I know I’m a good rabbi.
I dreamt the other day that the shul had no board. And the Gabai listened to me… I also dreamt we had 11 men for a Minyin. That didn’t happen… 11, so that if one of you goes to the bathroom. You’re always going to the bathroom. You spend half of the services in the bathroom... The hallway, then.
 
More harm takes place with jealousy... Nobody is jealous of your Kippah. It’s tiny. Whoever knitted it caused harm... Harm to our people. If it was bigger, you wouldn’t have to do a Kippah clampdown all the time.
You will never be an athlete with a Kippah like that. You can't swing a bat and have one hand on your Kippah... You play without a Kippah. Then you're just a heretic...
Jews wear Jewish clothes... Jewish clothes include the neon Kippot in our Kippah bin. Otherwise, the Kippah is flying all over... I know you all come to shul with your own Kippahs. We have the huge fluorescent yarmulkes as a message. To let you know you're Kippahs are way too small... Some of you bend for the Amidah and your Kippah flies off. I saw Shmuel's tiny Kippah fall into the Siddur. It was so flat and tiny, he couldn't find it between the pages...
 
Jealousy. They threw him in the pit... You throw your trash in compost… Yosef was not compost… Exactly. Recycling is trash. Composting is trash too. We just put the trash back in the earth… Exactly. We don’t throw trash in the garbage. We litter.
VeYeshev. Return it...
I don't know what to do with that tiny Kippah. Maybe compost...
 
No. Your kids throwing candy on the floor is a problem.
Just like throwing your brother in a pit… Lessons we learn from fighting brothers...
If they throw candy in the trash and not on the floor, there will be less jealousy. The kids hate having to throw things in the bin… No. You don’t put the wrapper trash in the compost trash. You put wrapper trash in the trash trash…

They should throw your gifts on the ground... Bad gifts... Secret Maccabee?... I can care less if a Maccabee is offended. The fact that you found a way to make Maccabee sound like a Christian thing you do at your office....

In compost. Mrs. Friedberg’s latkes go in compost. Then they go in a pit... That's what you do with things you're trying to get rid of... Brothers should not be thrown in a pit.
Those are the worst latkes I’ve ever tasted...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I think the rabbi writes the announcements.
 
I didn’t know our rabbi was an environmentalist. He purchased a new Road Ranger. Twelve seater. He has a coupe, but he refuses to drive it. He only drives the twelve seater.
I think he just needed to let the congregants know they are wrong. He was against the compost bin when it started. He thought it was another recycle bin, and that is a waste. That never gets taken out of the shul. It’s just a pile of two liter bottles.
With this new compost thing that started a year and a half ago, I still have no idea where to put my trash. It's very confusing.

I think the rabbi was suggesting to compost the Chanukah gifts. And the Friedbergs can't cook. It's not Lashon Hara at this point. Everybody knows it. I believe it's Sakanat Nifashot to not warn people. It definitely will kill an Oneg Shabbis, or any Chag, for somebody.

The shul hosted a Dreidel Gambling Debate. That turned into Solomon trying to get his money back from Phil from their poker night. The rabbi said poker nights are Asur (Forbidden). Since that talk the shul has split up into little poker groups that take place one Wednesdays. The board insisted they host all poker nights in the shul.

The rabbi is pushing the shul’s huge neon Kippahs as the new style. He realizes that most of our older male members do not have a lot of hair and clips don't work. We are a poorly haired congregation. The clips don't work on Shmuel's tiny Kippah either. I think the clips are bigger than his Kippah.
The women’s section is excellently wigged. That's why the rabbi doesn't address the women's head-coverings in the winter. The average back of the head of a woman in our shul juts out a good foot and a half.

We had a Jewish clothing fair as part of the Chanukah party. They sold a lot of black hats and button down shirts. The skirts were too long for the toddlers.
Many people wanted multi-colored coats. The rabbi insisted that coats with many colors aren't Jewish.
 
It seems like brothers are always fighting in Bereishit. Birthrights and soup cause a lot of family quarrels.

This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.

That's a very nice chair?
It's the committee chair.

You are the head of the committee?
The chair.

Why is it called a chair?
Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool.

Then they would call it a stool?
You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair.

That's a very nice chair.
Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond.

They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond?
At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place.

Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event?
You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect.

How did they chose the person to run the event?
The chair?

Yes.
I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.'

So. Nobody else wanted to help?
Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah.

So, you chaired this all alone?
All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish.

That was an argument?
Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs.

Everybody likes chocolate Danish.
Exactly.

What ended up happening at the Purim party?
After much argument, they served latkes.

No Danish?
For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen.

Tailgating Purim?
They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs.

How did you plan the Chanukah party?
Food. A lot of food.

Anything else?
Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails.

Some parents complained about the danger.
They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency.
And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year.

I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small.
That too.
We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens.

Did you get any pushback?
There's no one else on the committee.

Are there going to be gifts?
Of course.

What gifts?
Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree.

Any other gifts?
No.

Why not?
A committee decision.

Conclusion
The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?'
She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated.

She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. 
She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.'
Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food.

She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event.
There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah.

There is such a thing as bad thoughts. I know this, because I have received many Chanukah gifts over the years.
You want an article about what gifts to get, look on Amazon and check out what you missed on Black Friday. I never got a drone camera.
Here is a list of Chanukah gifts you should not get for people. These are really bad gifts that ended up in my room. And one thing all of these gifts have in common is that when I got them every gift was followed with, ‘It's the thought that counts.’ Every time I heard that, I knew it was a mistake. There is such a thing as a bad thought.
 
A Calendar From Last Year
Certain gifts are time sensitive. There's an end of year sale on calendars and I respect that. My aunt is very good at finding deals. Around December time, the previous year’s calendars go on sale.
Last year I got a calendar from 2021. I can use it in 2035, if it's a leap year. Otherwise, I have to wait till 2056.
It would have also been nice if my aunt did not mark it up with all of her appointments.
 
A Racket with a Ball Attached
My mom should've just given me a card that said 'you don't have any friends to play with.'
That racket and ball kept me frustrated for all 8 days. I spent all of Chanukah trying to figure out why I can't hit a ball that's attached. The Rubik’s Cube also got me on edge for a while. Want to make my holiday a nightmare? Give me a game that takes any amount of skill or knowledge. I have been looking at the Sudoku book for a good four years now. Four years of numbers I can’t figure out and failure.
 
Drawings
I love my nephews and nieces, but his drawings are bad. I said it and I care. I am a good uncle. I did not put the picture up on the fridge. I don’t want to have to show that to my nephew and tell him, ‘Do not become an artist. You have no talent.’ It looks like a dinosaur tree, with no detail; just a green marker circle. My sister already stopped him from eating popsicles when she realized he would never make a decent architect.
The kid could've worked, saved up, and given me something meaningful from the Dollar Tree. Such as a real Chanukah card.
Children should not get credit for everything they do. I am still trying to figure out if my niece deserved to graduate kindergarten. She couldn’t read the diploma. I don’t even think she could trace it, inside the lines.
 
Trivet
It might have been an ashtray. Every pottery piece I ever got looked like an ashtray. Pottery class should not be something they allow in elementary schools. It seems to condone smoking.
Paper-mache should be banned altogether. I cannot tell you how many gifts I have received over the years that look like balloons.
 
Socks that My Aunt Stitched together
I like when my socks stay up.
Maybe David didn’t purchase the socks that have no elastic band on the top, because he likes it when his socks don’t constantly fall. Everything stitched falls. Crocheted sweaters with no neck are also not good gifts.
Anything crocheted is not a good idea. Marshall’s has a hard-enough time getting my waist size right.
 
Chocolate Coins
Also known as Chanukah gelt (money in Yiddish), this is not real money. They are chocolate with tin foil on top. You got me the first time you gave me these chocolate coins. You aren’t going to make a fool of me again. I will not be mocked by people at 7-Eleven who do not accept chocolate as currency.
Instead of spending $50 on two dollars worth of chocolate, give me $48 and a couple of Hershey’s bars.

Please don’t be angry if you receive a racket with a ball attached to it, a calendar from 2011, my nephew’s paper-mache Chanukah card drawing, socks that don’t fit me, or silver foil in the shape of a coin. I need to make space in my room for the pants and crocheted sweaters I am going to receive this holiday.
Come to think of it, I think she got that calendar for free. The calendar had Chabad written all over it. And there was an envelope marked with an address for a donation.

Announcements
Last week's community Thanksgiving meal after Thanksgiving was well attended. It was an excellent brisket meal. We want to thank our sisterhood for ensuring American Jewish tradition was celebrated with a brisket and corned beef. We are happy the sisterhood insisted on not making turkey, and fighting the heathens on the shul's board.
 
We want to acknowledge all the people who have truly been paying attention to the rabbi's neck stick out and look around method. It has truly added to the singing in shul.
If you are not aware, when the rabbi lifts his neck and looks around, the congregation is supposed to join.
 
The rabbi insists on chanting. Chanting classes will take place on Tuesdays, when you're back to your weekly sinning routines. Words in chant form should help with Teshuva, repentance, as well. We translated Teshuva, as many of you who are always sinning and harmonizing in shul probably don't know what it is.
 
Parents are encouraged to ask their kids to help around the house, so we don't have to deal with annoying selfish little people who leave wrappers on the floor. Please encourage your children to not learn from their parents.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you go up against an enemy, you prepare with prayer, gift and war. Every time I go to a board meeting… Yes. That’s why I bring sweets… I would bring sheep and oxen, and send my kids in first, but my wife won’t let me… Yakov didn’t discuss this sending the kids first with his wives… He made a decision like a man, and told everybody to first meet their uncle, his enemy…
If he goes first, his brother kills him. The same reason I always show up late to the meetings...
It’s a lesson for life. You do what your parents tell you. You run errands for them. You don't throw trash on the floor... Your parents educate you wrong Chaim. Don't be like your parents... And you too Kayla. Don't be like them. I know them...
 
The crazy thing is his brother is considered his enemy here...
We're trying to stop Mordy and Micky… I know they’re twins, but they have to stop fighting in junior congregation. Hair is getting pulled. Kids are scared to take candy now, as they saw what Mordy did to Micky… It was over a Jolly Ranchers. Not a very jolly rancher...
The kosher Jolly Ranchers… Bazookas are just dangerous. Kids try to get more flavor out of those… I know it’s impossible after the first twelve seconds… That’s why they swallow them, trying to get more flavor… You don’t prepare for war with Bazooka. Three chews of taste is not a gift. It's a tease... Bazooka starts wars...
I don't know why they named them that. I think their parents were hoping they could get roles in a Disney movie…

You listen. Yakov had a good plan and they listened... Well the Fergmans don't have good plans. I saw the house...

First the peace offering gifts of appeasement and then the splitting the camp up. They did what Yakov asked. It’s not that hard… They didn’t make random decisions to mess up the community, like the board.
You cook a decent brisket for Thanksgiving… Thank you to the sisterhood for listening to me… On Thanksgiving we were able to celebrate America and what it has given the Jewish community. Brisket…
Just follow my lead. When I raise my neck and look out over the congregation, you join in the chant… It’s not a song. It’s a chant. It’s more meaningful than a song...
 
And his kids helped around the house. You clean the floor of the shul when you drop stuff all over it. Mordy... Yes. I am scared of Mordy, but I will not let him run all over our shul...
They don't clean. They learn from you... You don't even put your plate in the compost bin on Shabbat. Composting is the only excuse for littering... You don't compost taffy. No. We don't put the color florescent pink back into the earth... If your kids were throwing asparagus on the floor, that would be fine. Compost...

So, we understand listening to our leader, me, and splitting up the camp...

But you share the bad stuff. If you want to make peace, you never share the good stuff. People like it when you have it bad.
You guys have it too good. That’s the problem in this shul. That's why everybody fights...
 
Part of the gifts is appeasement. (Bereishit 32:5) He told the messengers to let Esav know that ‘I lived with Lavan and I lingered until now.’ A lot of lingering in the shul… You guys never walk into Minyin. You hang in the halls. Just lingering… You linger with Lavan. You don't linger in the halls. The fights in shul are caused because you miss your Aliyahs, lingering in the halls. Lingering with Lavan makes peace...
He lived with Lavan. It’s a curse. Whenever I see somebody who doesn’t like me, I tell them I’m still the rabbi here, and they start to like me a bit. They feel bad for me. They take pity…

Rashi teaches, 'With Lavan I lived and I kept the 613 mitzvot.' Garti (I lived) and Taryag (613) are spelled with the same letters in Hebrew… Acronyms prove stuff... According to this, he is letting Esav know that he didn't give up, like Michael who left in the middle of his Bar Mitzvah. During Revi'i he just said, 'I can't do this. People correcting me. I'm out.' And he left right in the middle of the Aliyah... There is no redeeming factor in that. Esav would still hate you...
 
This is about peace between brothers. If Micky would just let Mordy know the Jolly Rancher was licked and he found it on the floor… If he gave his brother Jelly Bellys and then told him how bad he had it… And even with the Jolly Rancher on the floor, he still went to junior congregation...
 
We learn life lessons from how Yakov prepares. And prayer is right in there. You also prepare with prayer.
I pray you are less annoying. I do that every day...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That was a smart move on Yakov’s behalf. You don’t go first, otherwise you might get hurt.
The rabbi made it clear that he was appeasing. He knew that his brother seeing him right away would cause a war. If the Gabai knew this, he would have other people giving out Aliyahs and show up later.
 
The rabbi is very correct about Bazooka. You don’t give those as a gift. The other person will think it’s a practical joke. Like you gave them a candy that has no flavor. They’ll start chewing and then they’ll hate you and start a war.
 
They truly are taking the rabbi’s neck cue much better now. When he looks up and around, they join. They were starting to get it on Yom Kippur with the BRosh Hashana Nigun. But it took time. The rabbi also developed his neck skills. You can now see it with the Avinu SheBashamim prayer. It is working much better than the hands up and out method of participation calling. Some people thought the rabbi was trying to split the shul with that.
The rabbi is against singing, possibly because of the messed up harmony. It’s in the bylaws now. He has put in a new bylaw that all communal singing must be in chant form. The chants are definitely more meaningful. There's a good solemness to the chants.

The rabbi milks having to deal with the president, Bernie, and Ethel. He feels it draws pity for him. He uses it every time he asks for a raise.
 
I hope the kids got the message from the rabbi and will start helping around the house. The kids are leaving crumbs everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves. Can you imagine if Esav saw that kind of behavior?! The flocks would’ve meant nothing.

Fran got into with one of the little kids who gave her attitude when she suggested he pick up his candy and the wrapper. It was a real scuffle. I believe the whole congregation was happy Fran won. She body slammed him. I think it was Mordy. She can still take down the little ones at 92.
Instead of parent child learning, the rabbi hosted parent child cleanup. He taught them what’s it like to be a prisoner, who has committed a misdemeanor. You litter on the highway, you clean it. You throw candy on the floor in shul, you clean it. He said it was a Torah lesson.
Truth is sometimes Mordy and Micky fight over the half eaten lollypops on the floor. That's a form of compost as well.

The congregation doesn't keep the Mitzvot. Even when they're lingering and have time, they do noting positive.

ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford.
•Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe.

ART & ENTERTAINMENT
•A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need  Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah.
•The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce.
Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett.
•The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist.

JEWISH
•Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. 
•Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach.
•The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike.

ISRAEL POLITICS
•Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism.
•Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons.

ISRAEL INNOVATION
•Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had.
And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice).
Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules.

ANTISEMITISM
Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around.
•Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.'
Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning.

SPORTS
•No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports.
Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.'
•Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under.

Last time we touched on traveling during the winter and what you need as a Jew. Today shall delve a bit more into Frum winter survival on Shabbat, to make sure you are ready to be stuck on the holy day itself.
Frum travel survival is about Shabbat. The only thing that makes it worth it to be Frum is knowing you can crash by people you don't know when you're stuck for Shabbat. That's why Jews become Shomer Shabbis. To save on travel. Here are some extra necessities for snowstorm Shabbat preparedness.
 
Travel with More Food
Shabbat means more food. Anything you were thinking, more. Shabbis food means more than what you ever you ate before. If you ate a kilo and a half last Friday night, you should be packing two kilos for yourself. As you grow in Yiddishkeit, so does your belly (you will want to quote this at some point- possibly at your next Shabbat dinner).
Any day after Wednesday, double up on the food. You have to eat more on Shabbat. If you don’t have room for the kids, leave them at home. The food is more important.
 
Bring A Shabbis Gift
If you can find a Jewish family, you'll want to crash there. This is how Jews have survived for ages, saving money while traveling. You show up for Shabbat and they must house you.
They might be a bit bothered with receiving a nice bottle of wine and a beautiful serving tray with chocolate covered almonds, when you got caught in a storm and all the stores are closed, and you weren't planning on being there for Shabbat. Even so, it's the right thing to do. And if you compare the chocolate covered almonds to the cost of the hotel for the family, it's worth it.
It may be presumptuous. Yet, I always travel with Shabbis gifts. It's fine if you conspire to exploit people for their homes, as long as you have a decent babka.

A Yarmulke and Skirt
These will show the people you’re religious, and that means they should feed you.
 
Always Know Where a Shul Is
Much cheaper than a hotel, shuls are also great in storms. And you don’t have to pretend that you like people to score free housing. They usually have carpets in parts of the hallway. Very comfortable, shuls are a great Shabbat stay, and you don’t have to bring a gift.
Another perk: Unlike hotels, shuls have nonelectric doors. This makes it easier to get in and out on Shabbat, without stalking people (standing there waiting for somebody to initiate the electric door movement and then following them in- some towns consider that a felony, and those towns are anti-Semitic).
If you're a local, I would suggest to spend winter in the shul. You can save a lot on heating if you spend the winter outside of your home.
With their Chutzpah, the other congregants will still ask you to run errands for them. One of the shul members asked if I could pick up their groceries. I let them know that I was caught in the same storm. They didn't get it.
Extra Note: Nobody blames you for not showing up to shul in a snowstorm, even if you’re in the shul.

Bring A Travel Stove
Choolante does not taste the same cold. I don't care how much faith you have in Gd, it does not taste good cold. I learned that when we had choolante on a family trip picnic. That's how you know I am a good Frum Jew. My parents fed us leftovers on a picnic.
You'll have to probably cook your own food, as your hosts will use the storm as an excuse for not 'expecting you for Shabbis.' In this case, enjoy your choolante and reclaim the babka.
 
A Table
On Shabbat, you want to eat on a table. You may not want to pay for a hotel, but you're Menches. If you're going to crash, you're going to eat properly.
The shul may have extra tables. However, your hosts may not have enough room for your eight kids at their table. You may want to bring chairs as well.

I hope these extra Shabbat tips help as much as the tip I gave last week of ‘travel with a lot of food.’ Myself, I don't have time to prepare all this food or listen to my parents and travel with a lot. I'm still going to travel with soda and chips and pray nothing bad happens. I will also bring a Shabbat gift, just in case I have the chance to save money on a hotel, on a clear day.
If you've learned nothing, be a religious Jew. You can save a lot of money on travel this way.

Postscript: Now that I think back to my childhood, my parents never served us choolante as leftovers. They were too good of Jews to do that. We had kugel, tzimis, chicken soup. Never did we eat choolante as leftovers. They were kind to me as a child and they knew that choolante should be thrown out after Shabbis. Even if you're Frum, you should still have a heart.

Announcements
We are celebrating the Pinkowitz birth this week. We are very happy for their cousins. We hope their kids someday bring them Nachis too. For now, we will enjoy the Kiddish in honor of the birth of their new cousin, living in Leeds.
 
A big Mazel Tov on Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. We are all very proud of you, even though your parents didn't invite most of the congregation to the Bat Mitzvah. Please know that if we were invited to the dinner you would get gifts from us.
 
The shul's electric bill has quadrupled. We know nobody will step forward and donate money to help with it. We just wanted to let you know.
The water bill is through the roof too. Literally. There's a hole in the roof.
We're letting you know that we won't depend on you.
 
The shul’s food pantry is on the side of the shul. Stop leaving cans you don't want at the shul entrance. Also, nonKosher food should not be in the kosher food pantry. It's kosher. We know the Feldbergs are heretics.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom...
Wake up. It’s sermon time… Bernie is sleeping again…
This is a place of Gd. When Yakov realized he was in a place of Gd, he woke up...

Yakov took the stone he slept on and made a monument there, and poured oil on it. Pouring oil on the Aron was a bad idea. The ark is holy. We don’t need to pour oil on it… You stained the curtains.
Last time we did anything with oil half the shul burned down. I'm thinking we shouldn't have latkes this Chanukah...
 
(Bereishit 28:13-15) Yakov is sleeping and dreams of the ladder. And H’ is standing over him and He tells him about his offspring ending up in Topeka. And H' says, ‘I will be with you and I will guard you on your journey, and I will bring you back to the land.’  That is how I ended up here... If I didn't believe Gd was with me, I would not be with Bernie, the Pinkowitzs and the board...
Gd is not in Topeka. I can't imagine there is any similarity with our shul and Yakov other than people sleeping in the board meetings. They're boring... Bernie sleeping during the sermon is just Chutzpah...
H’ tells him his offspring will be like the dust of the earth and spread all over world… ‘uFaratzta’ is a great song. Love it. Timeless… There's no better song. You can't tell me it's not one of the top five Jewish songs of all time. Right there with 'Minyin Man'... UFaratzta uFaratzta uFaratzta...
Sforno teaches that we will be degraded like the dust of the earth and experience degradation all over the world… After that we will be redeemed. I hope that after I serve this congregation I will be redeemed...
You can’t be redeemed from good stuff. You can be redeemed from having to deal with Bernie and a board that doesn't fix up the shul... Nobody is going to be sleeping if we can’t pay the electric bill… It’s cold.
 
He slept on a stone. Stop complaining about the chairs… I know the springs are coming through. It’s not stopping Bernie from sleeping. Will you wake him up. This is a place of H’… It should be a place of Gd, but we have a board…

When Gd is there, you can do anything. You know He will bring you back. When you are part of the Oneness of the Olam, you can deal with stuff… You can deal with not getting any nachis from your kids, like the Pinkowitzs. Very religious….
I don't know if we can be comforted by the members.
We started the pantry because you left all of your kitchen garbage at the shul. Not comforting... When I say you can do anything when Gd is with you, that means having strength and comfort in your journeys. That does not mean leaving garbage at the shul. That does not mean not sharing the armrest... It does not mean leaving nonKosher in the Kosher food pantry... I know the pantry is for nonJewish people. But it's Kosher.
And who is keeping nonKosher… Do you just buy stuff and only look if it has a Hechsher at home?... Then return it.
Nobody keeps nonKosher. You don't keep nonKosher. You keep Kosher. The only people who keep nonMitzvahs are the board.

Your cousins went on a trip to England and stayed... It's pathetic. It's not your Simcha... I know it's your cousins. We'll enjoy the herring. We are thankful that you at least give to the shul. And they went on a journey...
 
Just because you left for a year doesn’t mean you don’t invite people to Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. No matter how comforted you were on your journey... There's tons of comfort when you leave the membership of Beis Emes uSefilah...
Maybe donate normal chairs to the shul for the Bat Mitzvah. You didn't invite anybody. Do something.
 
The point is Yakov made a vow. Knowing H' is with him, he made a vow. He made a vow to do something.
(Bereishit 28:20-22) He says ‘If H’ will be with me and guard me on the way that I go and give me bread to eat and clothes to wear. And bring me back to the house of my father in peace… the stone I set up as a pillar will be a house of Gd and everything You give me, I will tithe it for you.’
If you paid your dues. Even two percent.
We have Kiddish here. We feed you… We even have a pantry. And people even drop off their old clothes they hate... I know it's a food pantry. It should be a 'we don't want stuff in our home' pantry.
You poured oil all over. You did that part... Well you are very sloppy in the kitchen...
 
Let’s make a vow that the board doesn’t mess up the shul. Maybe then, we can be sure Gd will be with us…
 
The shul is a House of Gd. Will you wake him up already!
 
I am sorry the chairs are uncomfortable… It’s like you’re sleeping on stone… We’re not pouring oil on the chairs too.
Pour water on Bernie. Wake him up already. This is a place of Gd... And tell Bernie to pay his Yom Kippur pledge already...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Oil in the shul is a bad idea. They use oil for everything. The sisterhood can’t even make a decent dressing.
If they're going to use oil, they have to contain it. If you ever saw our congregants in the kitchen, you'd know how dirty they are.
 
We sung 'UFaratzta' for a good half hour. That word is amazing. All I know is that Bernie was faratztaing the whole sermon. Love that word.

The chairs are uncomfortable. No question about that. It would've been much better if an opera house was closing and not a rundown movie theater.
 
We need more shul Simchas. Something positive done by a member of the shul or their children. We can't keep on celebrating parties for people who've never been to the shul. The other week we celebrated Shmuli's fifteenth birthday in Singapore. Nobody ever met the kid. We needed a reason for a big Kiddish.
The Pinkowitzs are very religious. They believe that their children will do something positive. That takes a lot of belief. You’ve got to see Malkie Pinkowitz. No hope.

I'm not too happy I was one of the eight people in the shul invited to Kayla's Bat Mizvah dinner. I’m a big fan of Kiddishes. You don’t have to buy gifts for those.
The other members of the shul should be happy they didn’t have to go. I had to sit through a family video of their pictures. We saw every picture they ever took of Kayla to that ‘Is this the Little Boy at Play’ song. ‘Sunrise Sunset.’ I think that’s the name.
 
The electric bill is high. The board decided the best way to deal with it is to ignore it.
We really have no heat right now. Services felt like an outdoor concert with no band. I think that's what bothered the rabbi is that Bernie brought a blanket to shul to keep warm and sleep better during the sermon.
I hope he doesn't talk about sleeping again this coming week. It would seem the congregants take that as a cue.

I found myself stuck in a snowstorm recently, for two days, and I learned that I was not prepared because I didn't take my parents' advice. I've been in snowstorms before. I've been caught in lake effect storms. But I've never been caught in the typhoon effect snow of Buffalo. When it's six feet of snow pouring down, you're not ready. I wasn't ready for the effect of more snow than a lake can hold. And it all fell on my car.
I want you to be ready. Especially if you're a Frum Jew, you've got to be ready for Shabbat. Your life depends on it, and it's a Mitzvah to save a life. Hence, I will let you tips for Frum winter survival skills for travel.

Bring a Shovel
In the Buffalo storm the snowplows gave up. They said the 'people will go to work and pick up groceries when it melts.' I had to shovel my car and the street.
Nobody will believe you when you say you shoveled around the car. Even so, take that shovel along and shovel. They will insist that it's impossible to get another three feet of snow in five minutes, and Frum Jews don't work. Even your family will turn the storm into something anti-Semitic.
The scrapers don't help in six feet of snow. You need a shovel for that. I never knew that shoveling my roof was part of the shoveling process. I saw people on their homes, shoveling the roof. They didn't even need a ladder to get up there.

Travel with A Lot of Food
That means enough food for Shabbis, or enough food for a non-Shomer Shabbis family for a week. It's the same amount.
On any trip during the winter, bring it all. Disaster can always happen, especially when duty free is around. When you travel be sure to bring as much as the carrier allows. Never pay for an extra bag; one bag with the largest dimensions allowed. Load up your suitcase with MealMart TV dinners if you must, like your parents do.
Don't trust the airlines to give you enough food when you travel. That one egg omelette with salsa doesn't help with layovers. Now you're caught in Sudan for Shabbat, and you're going to try to make it on a Mezonot roll, because you didn't listen to your parents.
By the way, Frum people should not be eating TV dinners. It's Ma'aras Ayin, and because of Kosher TV dinners we now accuse religious Jews of watching series. Oh. So do they have a TV in their home?!

Keep Leftovers
During the week, travel with leftovers. That's what good Jews eat during the week. Not Frum Jews eat lasagna for dinner. Frum Jews have leftovers. That's the dish.

Travel with Bedding
A mattress too. Travel with whatever your car can hold. That means food, clothing, bedding. Take a cot if you can fit it in the back seat. You should be able to move there. Wherever you're going, you should be ready reside. As Jews of European descent, we should be good at this.

A Gemara
You will have time to learn. The problem is that you can't use a small book. It's almost impossible to turn the pages of a novel with gloves. You need a huge Talmud from the 1960s. Those pages you can turn with mittens.
You can bring Halacha books too. Hopefully, you'll find a place to stay for Shabbat. However, I don't suggest Halacha books. We're talking about a saving a life here, and the place in your car would be much better used for an ice axe and a hand auger.

Listen to Your Parents
My parents were right. Always travel with a lot of stuff. Stuff means food. Make sandwiches. 'You never know.' They are right. You never know. When they loaded up the car with packages of spaghetti and peanut butter, they knew what they were doing. You never know, they might stop producing food. Typhoon effect will do that. We even had choolante in the car. There's a reason. Shabbis is only six days away.
The number one piece of advice I forgot to take from my parents is 'Don't travel. Stay away from storms.' Their friends took their advice and moved down to Florida.
And never throw out leftovers. My parents taught me that too.

I hope my tips and advice help. Myself. I'm going to have a can of soda and chips in the car, and I will pray that nothing bad happens.
Next time we will focus on Shabbis, to bring home the lesson of making sure you travel with a lot of food.