The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis.
People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous.
If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know.

The Arm Raise
Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention.
Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning.
We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate.

Arm Raise Hand Open Close
This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance.
 
The Chest Bounce
Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured.
 
Huddle Jump
Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get.
 
The Solo Jump Around
Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form.
This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit.
 
Arm Interlocked Twirl Around
Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle.
 
The Hand-in-Hand Spin
Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes.
 
The Airplane
Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people.
Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded.
 
The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders
This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall.

The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick
A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head.
Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter.

The Rebbe Approach
This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you.
That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad.

Final Note of Safety
Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing.
Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt.
I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe.
Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher.

His mom got him ribbons for Lag BOmer. He said he wanted to make bows. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's supposed to be bows and arrows. Not ribbons. Ribbon bows don't work as good weapons and they don't shoot far. She misunderstood.

He prayed behind a Chasid in Jerusalem. He was told to go pray a at the coattail. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kotel. Coattail. He was in Jerusalem. It's Yom Yerushalayim. The Kotel is in Jerusalem. Chasidim wear long coats. Kotel. Coattail. They sound the same if you say ‘coattail’ very fast.

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? They were celebrating Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shavuot means weeks. Seven days would be 'Shavua'. Celebrating Shavuot. That's at least two weeks. 21 days would just be crazy. Puns should be realistic.

A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. (Mordechai)
You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students.

The little girl was eating potato kugel with a plate on her lap. It was a Kiddish. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kiddish. Kid and dish together makes Kiddish. The dish was on a kid. Next time we will talk about chicken fingers. That's also a kid dish. Kiddish. You get it. So many great ways to prepare a kid dish. One is with Kichel.

I had that feeling to learn Gemara. Maybe some Daf Yomi. I was in a Talmud. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mood. Talmud. Dads learn Gemara. I don't know what Tal means. Maybe dew. Learning about damp ground.

The Hillel sandwich was bitter at the Seder. We were eating it for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech is when we have the Hillel sandwich on Pesach. Korach was the one who rebelled against Moshe. Korach was bitter. Korach. Korech. You get it.

Announcements
Baruch must stop using a toothpick and smiling at Kiddish. He has scared away many prospective members. We understand he has nice teeth. But it's uncomfortable seeing them with herring, and then seeing leftover schmaltz on the toothpick.
 
The guy who skipped vHu Rachum got looks. Rightfully. It's the beginning of Maariv. You start things correctly. We want to commend our members for making the Chazin feel uncomfortable. We understand they gave him a nasty look of disappointment. And even g0ave some sighs and grunts. Finally, we have congregants who care and people who are scared to lead Davening.
 
No more spitting in shul. Don't know who started it. We understand you hate idol worship. Why on the carpet though?! The shul now smells like tobacco.
 
Kaddish fights are still happening. One guy is going way to fast. Another way too slow. We ask all members to not follow Paul. He is too slow. The shul is now providing a metronome in the back left, so that everybody can hear how off beat Paul is.
 
Kiddish is sponsored by the Friedmans, the Schwartzs, the Cohens, the Feldblums, the Mitzkins, the Frankels, the Bergmans, the Fishers, the Minkowitzs, the Feldblums. There are more. And it was also sponsored by all families who have a kid graduating.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:15) 'Moshe got very mad'... He was dealing with Datan and Aviram. He wasn't even dealing with a board... Yes. I get mad. Did you ever deal with Steve?!
Why did Moshe get mad? Ungratefulness. Blame. They're all rebelling. Kind of like the time Mark skipped vHu Rachum... It makes no difference if it was by accident. It's the beginning of Maariv and you already messed up. Before you started, you messed up... No. Nobody will forget...

'I didn't even take a donkey of theirs, nor have I wronged even one of them.'
What did I take from this congregation? Tell me. Other than a few pens... Then why do I have to see Bernie every Shabbis?! What did I do to you people...
Yet, they blame Moshe. They tell him that he wants the leadership. He stole leadership from them... Let me tell you. Nobody wants to deal with Steve. The shul president. Now that is stealing leadership... At least it's a leader nobody wants.

Rashi explains this to mean that he didn't take anything for himself. I understand, as I have received nothing from this congregation. Not even a call on my birthday. Not even a decent Chazin. Not a Sefer... You don't steal a donkey. It's rude.
I have taken nothing. From Kiddish. Not even a blueberry Danish. But you protest. And for what? What has been taken from you?

It starts with complaining. For some reason, you can't blame Steve.
They blamed Moshe for trying to dominate them. 'The desert isn't flowing with milk and honey.' What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!
Now I get blamed for bringing new Sefarim into the shul.

Yes. I get very mad too. There is a time to get very mad. Like when you expect blueberry Danish and you get Kichel... It's not when your child graduates and doesn't get valedictorian... She graduated kindergarten. The fact that you got up there, smacked the teacher and said 'leave my child's name out your mouth'... Yes. It was wrong. You don't get mad when your kindergartner gets a diploma, and doesn't give a speech for it... She sang a song. That's what they do to show appreciation. They don't give speeches in kindergarten. They sing... If the shul sung to me and showed some appreciation...
You get mad when the whole shul sponsors Kiddish along with you...

You spit. It looks like you're protesting the shul... I understand it's Aleinu. It looks like you're a Korach. It looks like a rebellion... It was a loogie. You hocked a loogie.
Why are you spitting in shul if it's against idol worship?! Spit on an idol. Not on the new carpet.
No respect. No appreciation. That's what is really happening in the desert. They chose to go the route of not showing Hakarat HaTov... Recognizing of the good, Bernie. You recognize when your rabbi doesn't steal your blueberry Danish.
And who brought the baseball team. They sat and spat. They didn't even stand for Aleinu... it was like the time you brought in the choir... They didn't help with Adon Olam and Hativkva. They sung 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters'... That's not part of Nusach Ashkenaz.

I take nothing, but I deal with you. People who skip vHu Rachum... It's the first part of Mariv and you already get it wrong. How can you miss the first words? Did you get up there and read the fifth sentence first? Yes. That's exactly what happened... Ungrateful. Like you have no sins to repent for.

You know who's stealing from you?! The board. You each sponsored kiddish for your child's graduation and you each paid full price. It's like when Zakah changed the donor signs on the mopeds. Stealing. Taking you to a desert of no blueberry Danish, where people skip vHu Rachum, and you have to pay for it. A desert where people spit on the carpet.
They have the right to get mad Steve. Nobody got a discount. They paid for thirty Kiddishes and Kichel. They have Kichel. Twelve thousand dollars Kichel... And now, I ask- Do we not have the right to be mad?! I feel like spitting on the front left section...

Rivka's Rundwon
The rabbi saying he took nothing. He's vying for another raise. I know it.

'What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!' Brilliant point from our rabbi. That truly touched my heart. Then, when he brought up pancakes as well. He was right. The desert didn't have pancakes either.

And Kiddish was the same size. I am never sponsoring that thing. A scam. Thirty families, and each gave two hundred dollars and Kichel. No Napoleons. Rip off. And nobody is rebelling against the board. Just against the rabbi's new parking spot. Why should the disabled spot be closer to the entrance than the rabbi's?

A lot of sports dads in our shul. Dads yelling at refs. I went to PeeWee baseball, and I couldn't let on I was Jewish. You have Moishy screaming at the umpire, 'Nu. What kind of call was that. Am HaAretz.'
Sports dads and graduation moms. Moms were yelling at the principal of the day school when they gave at the awards. 'What kind of call is that? Our child definitely deserves the math award! They were the best at counting Popsicle sticks.' One parent protested, 'I donated the Popsicle sticks.' That was disgusting. The sticks had the ices residue on them. The Bergstein family licked each one of those, and our children counted with them.

He spat a lot. We were hearing Chaching the whole of the sermon. And it lingers. It's a new carpet and he's spitting in honor of Gd. There must be tobacco in his spit. It's disgusting and it doesn't dissolve. The tobacco phlegm just stays, hovering over the carpet.
The Halacha of spitting has gone too far. They spat on Nitzkin. Nitz is a good guy. They said he worships idols and spat on hum. They just don't like him.
New rule in shul: If you spit. You have to clean it up.
The dog owners in the shul have protested the rule. It appears to be that they're the ones who leave their dogs 'stuff' on my lawn.

Skiping vHu Rachum was the greatest thing that every happened in this community. Took of eighteen seconds from Maariv.
Paul has caused so much hatred with his Kaddish. Nobody complains when stuff is too fast.
Our rabbi now speeds through Shema. After months of the rabbi slowing it down, as he needed to gain respect- and you gain respect as a rabbi with a really long Shema, he is now at LMan Tizkru by the time people are starting 'vHaya.' Everybody loves the rabbi now.

Nobody learns in our shul. At least the Sefarim are in good condition.

I am happy they made that no smiling announcement about Baruch. It is scary. At least the board discussed something of relevance this week.

Here is a List of Jewish Foods & Other Stuff That Deli Made Amazing-Inspired by Lenny Bruce’s Jewish-Goyish
This will help you understand a bit of what makes delis our tradition.

Pizza is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers liked in the 1980s is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers only knew about in the 1990s is not Jewish. Burritos are not Jewish. Sushi is Goyish, even if they serve it as Simchas. Pigs in a blanket are Jewish. Pickles are Jewish. Jalapenos are Goyish. They burn your mouth. Sephardic food is Goyish, even if Jews have been eating it for 4,000 years. Olives are almost Jewish. Whitefish is Jewish. Herring is Jewish. Sauerkraut is Jewish. Food you can spell is Goyish. American food is Goyish. European food is Jewish. Coleslaw is Jewish. Cabbage is Goyish. Cabbage wrapped around ground beef and rice is Jewish. Stuffed derma is Jewish. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't eat it. It's Jewish. Derma is disgusting. Goyish. Stuffed Derma is for Jews. Salad is Goyish. Salatim are almost Jewish. Jewish eat them. Knishes are Jewish. Perogies are mostly Jewish. They are also not healthy. Barakas are Middle Eastern. I am not sure if it is Jewish yet. Food made with potato is Jewish. Food made with cantaloupe is Goyish. Melon is Goyish. Cranberries are Goyish. Cranberry in jelly form is Jewish. You can make cranberry sauce from that. All deli is Jewish. Deli wrap is heresy. Football is Goyish. Golf is Goyish. Owning a football team is Jewish. Baseball is Jewish when Hank Greenberg is playing. Basketball is Jewish in Israel. Deli sandwich is Jewish. Rye bread is Jewish. Club is Jewish. Baguette is Jewish because it holds deli well. Pumpernickel is Goyish. Turkey is Goyish. Turkey-pastrami is Jewish. Israel is Jewish. Florida is Jewish. Los Angeles is Goyish. Hollywood is Goyish, if you're a heretic. New York is very Jewish. Cel-Ray is Jewish. Black Cherry Soda is Jewish. Cherry Soda is Goyish. Any soda that was made by a doctor is Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Shul is Jewish. Synagogue is mostly Jewish. Picture from the 1920s is Jewish. Picture from the 1950s is Jewish. Picture from the 1990s is Goyish. Steakhouse is Goyish. Smokehouse is not Jewish. Deli is Jewish.
Anything deli is Jewish. Choolante is Jewish. Potato kugel is Jewish. Anything with a lot of oil is Jewish. Sponge cake is Jewish. Anything that needs schnapps to taste decent is Jewish. Herring is very Jewish. Sardines are acceptably Jewish. I just found out about the Middle Eastern diet. People are losing weight with it. Falafel and Barakas are Goyish.

An ode is meant to be sung, and I sing for the kosher deli. I sing. And I continue to sing. Let me sing more for you about what makes the deli great.

Menus 
A whole menu that is not FDA approved. That is Jewish and I love it.
 
Wait Staff
The only place in America where nepotism still lives. That is how strong tradition is in the deli.
I asked, 'Can I speak to the owner?' They said, 'My dad will be right out.' I heard them go to the back and yell, 'A customer wants to complain,' Warning their dad that there was a Jewish customer in the kosher deli. Kibud Av vEim. Working and honoring your parents at the same time. Love it.
 
Batampte and Mother’s Are Old
The branding looks old. Pictures of Jewish mothers from the 1930s, in apron, and Biblical writing in English on the package. It reminds you where Jewish life started. The Lower East Side. With Yankel and Moishele.
Like the Torah, the deli doesn’t change with time. Abraham was probably eating a corned beef sandwich on rye. There is no picture to prove that. However, there is proof that he did like tongue. And his descendants wore derby hats in the early 1900s.
Mother’s on packages. A brand named after my mom. Thank you for giving her that respect.
 
My Mother
My mother makes that same food. Hence, the brand named after her. This guy gives it to me and doesn’t tell me how heavy I am getting. I am willing to pay extra for that.

Old is Beautiful
It looks old. That is tradition. In a world of plastic surgery and everybody searching for the fountain of youth, the deli is the only place you can go where looking old is praised. You walk into a deli for a meal, you've aged two years. Old is beautiful and the deli represents that.
Delis age you. Eat lunch in a deli for ten years, you'll be thirty years older. I know the math doesn't work. I believe it's the strength of the stench that hits you the first day. It has a greater effect on your old Jewish person smell.
 
More Love for Deli
There is so much more about the deli. By that, I mean food. The next time I will bring you all the deli foods we love. All the different forms of brisket, pastrami and soda made out of vegetables.
The deli is our tradition. It is the connection with the past. Our connection to Abraham. The tradition passed on from generation to generation of saturated fats. The tradition of eating in a living room that has not been cleaned. For this, the deli that we love, the place that says old is beautiful and pastrami smells good, I will fight to keep it alive.
This is why we need more kosher delis. I hope I did my part on behalf of the Jewish community.

Announcements
The shul has a full-time security guard at the front door. We want to thank Mike. He's been successful at keeping Jews out.
Security is a necessity. Our members should feel safe. Security is here for a reason. After many attacks and board meetings, we've decided to keep the shul in the dangerous neighborhood.

If anybody is wondering why Baruch is smiling so much, the dentist told him he has good teeth. We believe he has shared that news with you all already. He will repeat it again. And he will keep on smiling until somebody tells him his teeth are bad. To be honest, they are good teeth. They're bright and they shine.

We are going to teach the kids how to do Anim Zemirot. It's been taking way too long. For the first lesson, we are going to focus on the dads. It has come to our attention that they're telling their kids to annunciate. Before any other lesson, we're going to teach the kids to keep their dads away from the Bima. The class starts this coming Wednesday, and dads are not allowed to attend.

The Father's Day BBQ will be hosted by the men's club. We're going to get the men out of the house so families can enjoy Father's Day without seeing the dads.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
'Send people for you...' If we sent out the left front of the shul, that would be a great gift for me. Just to get rid of those members... 

The spies told them, (Bamidbar 13:29) 'The Amalekites dwell in the south land, while the Hittites, the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the mountainous region.' So you move to the north... Yes. The south side is messed up. Housing prices are down.
Is it that hard to not go to The Mountains for the summer?! Are Jews that needy of mountains??? They can't even hike to shul without complaining... 

It's not even Father's Day and you want to go golfing... You went golfing last Father's Day. Was that meaningful?! I'm trying to bring meaning to Father's Day and you're worried about golfing and Hittites... The Hittites at least mowed their lawns.
As Father's Day is here, help your dads on their renovations. Your homes look bad. I wouldn't want to move to the Jewish neighborhood in Topeka. If spies came and told me about the Bergowitz front lawn, I wouldn't move there. With all the stuff on your lawn... It's renovation season. It's fix up season... I know Jews go to The Mountains for the summer. This isn't a bungalow. Clean up your front lawn... You have flipped over tricycles... Your kids are in college...
The members in the front left are spies.

Why would you not go to Israel?! They don't have long Anim Zemirots, or dads standing next to the kids forcing them to make Anim Zemirot long and painful. The land of Israel is flowing with kids that know Hebrew and don't annunciate every word. That's a reason to move...

(Bamidbar 13:27) 'We came to the land you sent us, and it is flowing with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.' They showed them decent fruit...
Scared of fruit?! The grapes are too big?! Everybody loves big grapes. The crunchy kind. Love it... A land flowing with honey and milk, and huge hotel breakfasts.

The spies said decent stuff. Always glass is half empty. Look at the positive... I know it's hard to look at the positive when you have to look at the front left...
If you heard Bryan was running the BBQ, you would all complain. 'We can't go. Bryan doesn't know how to man the grill.' And you would be right. 
And I see this congregation and I mourn. I mourn sadness. The desire to be golfing. I mourn having to see the membership. I also mourn a messed up BBQ with Bryan... The Jebusites knew how to man a grill.

Yehoshua and Calev ripped their clothes and said, (Bamidbar 14:7) 'The land we passed through to scout is an exceedingly good land.' You see the good and you fight for it. And you ruin a decent shirt. You think it was easy to find a shirt back then.
We have to stop being scared and see the good. Yehoshua and Calev were trying to tell the board to hire security... Yes. They had security guards back then.
The shul has a security guard. It's dangerous, but we still come to shul. Because it's good... Without Bernie, it's good... The security guard is a big guy. Probably a Hittite... Security is one prayer H' doesn't answer. We don't depend on Him for that. The dues provide the security...
You rip your clothes when you're mourning. That's why most of my shirts are ripped. I have to deal with you as congregants...

But you see the good, and Baruch has really clean teeth. Baruch has been smiling all morning. And it would appear he just went to the dentist... It's good to see you Baruch. You don't have to smile with all of your teeth. You're not Steve Harvey....
You see the good, and you don't look at the front left of the shul...

There is hope, if the kids learn an Anim Zemirot tune that doesn't take ten minutes, or Tzvi pronouncing every word... The kid doesn't need you. I understand it's Father's Day. This Father's Day, you should know your child doesn't need you...

As Calev said, 'We can take possession.' Take possession of your teeth. This Father's Day... You don't need to take possession of The Mountains. You can go to a bungalow... You don't have to live in The Mountains. You can visit.
When you have possession, you have to take care of it. You mow the lawn. You don't ruin the neighborhood like the Bergowitzs, who think the Fayetteville neighborhood of Topeka is a bungalow... Just flip the bikes upright. It's Father's Day. Help around the house a bit, and retake possession of Anim Zemirot... 

Rivka's Rundwon
The rabbi honored all the fathers by letting them know they don't come to shul enough. 
Bryan truly can't man a grill. Watching him flip a burger is like watching a child trying to put together MagnaTiles that form into a shape that makes sense. He childs the grill. He doesn't mjan it. It's like he's playing with the fire. His burger flipping is pathetic. Burgers come out in eight pieces. To put them on the bun, I have to puzzle it. I don't think he's ever had a full burger scoop. 
The rabbi also reminded the men that they have unkempt houses.

A lot of our membership doesn't show up on Shabbat. Either security is keeping Jews out, or Jews don't like to pray. It might be golf. I don't know what the heretics do. I pray at my shul becaues the heretics at the other shul show up on Shabbis. 
There has been violence in our shul. Sadie attacked Steve at the board meeting. I believe most of the congregation was happy to hear that Steve got hurt.
Why our shul is on the southside when it's the most dangerous neighborhood. I believe it keeps you praying with the true believers in Gd.

Our community seriously needs to do some home fixups. The Bergowitz front lawn is messed up. They've got slides, chairs, clothes. A shirt ended up on a chair. Must've been put out to dry  before the winter. Broken lawn chairs. Like they left them on the curb and took them back to the house. Lego. Lego on the front lawn. It's their living room. The tricycles have been there for fifteen years. Very connected to their youth. Monopoly is laying out on the lawn.
The Bergowitzs are very Frum. Very religious. Their living room is their dining room. That's how you know they're Frum. 

Baruch is really proud of his teeth. The hygienist should've never complimented him. All of Kiddish he was smiling and talking of his teeth. He even had one of those flossing toothpicks. He was constantly picking at his teeth to draw attention to them. He then started picking and sucking in, trying to get the potato kugel strands out.
He took to educating people how to keep their teeth nice. He even started running his tongue over his top teeth, inside his mouth, and then sucking that too. It was disgusting. Very loud and disgusting.
People were examining his teeth. Samantha noted the straightness is extraordinary.

The long Anim Zemirot is because of that Anim Zemirot dad up there. He's making sure his kids annunciate, and I want to hurt him. The dad is the problem. I believe the congregants all know that now. I was happy to see the security guard escort the dad out, when he told his children they have to slow down.
Anybody that tells any Chazin to slow down should be kicked out of shul. These Anim Zemirot dads have to stop.
Dads not being allowed to attend the class was a start. The children learned to say 'no' to their dads when their dads tell them to annunciate, which was their first lesson in honoring the congregation.

The rabbi always talks about the spies and people being scared of big grapes. I love them. Big grapes without pits are amazing. I love food in bulk. I always shop at Cotsco or BJ's, even if they're more expensive. I like my chips in big. If the spies would've brought back a huge bag of Ruffles, I would've run to Israel.
Much of the congregation was inspired to rent bungalows in The Mountains for the summer. They understand that you don't have to mow or clean the front lawn of a bungalow. And they like that. The rabbi announced that he is going to not go away this summer, due to the lack of congregants and his happiness that they won't be around. The rabbi said he will be able to enjoy himself summering in Topeka. He also said he is finally not scared to come to shul, in fear of members.

The rabbi considers the front left spies. He saw them talking to the board.

What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes. 
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does.

Taking the Kids Out to Eat
That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself.

Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School
Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit.

A Good Look of Guilt
You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong.  That is how you make good Jews.
Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish.
No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach.

Don't Hit Your Kids
That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. 

Unconditional Love
Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.'

Teach the Kids to Swim
It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC.
There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player.

Take them to The Mountains
It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. 
If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews.

Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home.
If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do.

Announcements
For Next Lag BOmer: There are too many messed up haircuts in our shul since Lag BOmer. No more doing it yourself, even with clippers. Not one of you has a straight neckline. Fools.
Since the bonfires, clothes are still messed up and the shul smells bad. No more marshmallows at bonfires without sticks of at least three feet.
 
We are working on programming for the youth of our shul. They are the focus. This is why we have removed the pictures of the congregation and rabbis. You can now see our hallway decked out in pictures of Transformers. We are thinking of getting a Bouncy Bima. The Kiddish clown is a new addition that should make evreybody happy while eating gefilte fish. At the next meeting we will discuss the Kaddish clow idea, to make Kaddish more kid friendly.
 
Kaddish timing classes will take place on Wednesdays. So that we can honor the deceased in unison.
The timing is off. Bill thinks he's harmonizing. Simmy is still learning to read. He's also three seconds off. The congregants are Amening eight times to each Kaddish section.
 
As it is the NBA finals, the Minyin will not be waiting for the rabbi to finish the Shema. If we wait, we will miss the first half of the game.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermons Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Do we still have to see the messed-up Lag BOmer haircuts. It's been a month and I still have to see... You're not bald. You gave yourself a step in the wrong direction. Look decent... You look like fools. The backs of your heads are all off... I understand you did it yourself. You use the two-mirror system. Everything was at an angle. You turned for LCha Dodi, I found myself leaning... I was leaning with your hairlines.
Look decent. When you come to a shul. When you serve Gd, you look decent...

(Bamidbar 8:15-16) '...the Levites shall come to serve in the Tent of Meeting. You shall cleanse them and lift them as a waving'... They got haircuts. Normal haircuts. They didn't show up to get waved with unkempt hair. Hair flying all over the Mishkan... The waving was fun. Why am I being asked about waving?... The Kohens back then were stronger. Our shul doesn't even have a Koehn who can do Hagba... 'For they are wholly given over to Me from among the children of Israel.'
Commitment. They did things right. They didn't show up a minute before Kaddish. They did things 'wholly.' They showered. They got dressed up... Yes. In a jacket. They didn't have ties back then. They had decent haircuts. They didn't let down their shul in the community Choolante-Off. They had a Tafkid. A task.

Everybody has a Tafkid. Except Mark and Fran. They do very little. Haven't even helped with a donation to the food cupboard... You can't tell me you like what you cook. You donate cans... Nobody wants your stew. Soup kitchens can't take your stew... It has nothing to do with Kosher. It's in a church. Maybe if you cooked it there. You have a task. To give something decent. Not one of your casseroles...

Everybody has a task until they mess up.
The Bachors messed up. The Leviim had to take their task... You guys mess up Kaddish every time. Can't even say 'Tiskabel.' Is it that hard... Bill. Even when they go slow, you're coming in after them... It's another Amen. The whole congregation says Amen, and then they hear you still going on... They have to do another Amen just for you. You add five minutes to Davening... Yes. It's painful.
The shul has a Tafkid... It's not supposed to be a jungle gym. It is wholly given over to Gd. Holy... Children's programs done holy... I tripped on a Tonka Truck. Shmuli stepped on a Lego... Stepping on Legos hurts. He stepped on a Lego guy's head. Almost fell. I had to catch the Torah... Why is there a Tonka Truck in shul?!
It's the Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. The sanctuary has turned into a youth lounge. There's a flyer for a hayride right outside the sanctuary. Are we praying to Gd to go hayriding and for a Saturday night 'Fun activity'??? It says 'fun' on the sign... We're here for Kaddish... It's too much. There is a beanbag chair up where the Chazin used to sit... We're not going to start Kohen wave rides...
The kids come to shul and they show respect... I know that's a shock. Shul is not a jungle gym. The stairs are not a bumpy slide... You give them candies after Davening. Seeing kids in front for Anim Zemirot with candy is like watching the animals at a zoo...

We're focusing on the youth, when we should be focusing on the Minyin...  Toddlers cannot be counted in a Minyin, Bernie. We need to focus on Kaddish... Bill is a few seconds behind every Kaddish. He thinks it's a round table. He's canoning the Yehei Shmei Rabba...
We have Tafkids. Tasks. Treat the shul with respect, and learn how to say Kaddish... Your dad went to Olam Haba. Your task is to say Kaddish. Not to give yourself a messed up haircut...

I respect the basketball game. You need get out of shul for the game... You could've waited for me to start the Amidah though...

(Bamidbar 8:21-22) 'The Levites cleansed themselves and washed their clothes. Then Aaron lifted them... After that, the Levites came to perform the service in the Tent of Meeting.' Clean. You have to be clean first. The sanctuary carpet hasn't been vacuumed... Rachel wanted to change her kid in shul... No. You don't change your kid in shul. There is a limit... You go to the bathroom and change them. This is the House of Gd. What is with this congregation?!...
The toddlers are not clean. They're not even 25 yet... You prepare. We have to prepare the Kaddish right. We are going to be working on synchronizing the mourners...
And wash your clothes. You still smell of Lag BOmer... Then use Tide.

Rivka's Rundown
And the sermon was followed by an argument as to which laundry detergent a religious Jew should use. Many argued for Persil, even though it's German. Shameful.
It turns out that since it is not a German car, Persil is OK.

The death focus of last week didn't draw the families. The shul is now into the kids. And for the kids. The board is planning to put in a Bouncy Bima with streamers and constant candy throwing. And the rabbi is thinking about quitting.
The Tonka Truck was a bit much. The kids think the place is a jungle gym. Middle of the Amidah we hear the kids screaming 'weeee.' They were sliding down the Mechitzah.
The board wants to change the name to the Playhouse Funhouse. They feal that calling our synagogue a shul is not attractive enough for the kids. Kids programming is important, as the young couples want that. One parent brought up the idea of a miniature golf course. They claimed that the new wheelchair ramp is perfect for the last hole. The board is very into this new idea, as having a hole right by the Tallis rack can draw a lot more people to shul.
This has all gone too far with the kids focus. Now, the kids gather in front at the end of shul, where they sit for a minute. Then they get candy. The kids in front for Anim Zemirot is crazy. They get candies and they go wild. It's like watching wildlife. It's more exciting than watching the chimps at Topeka Reserve. Shmuel and Batya are always fighting over the sugar powder bananas. Shira is a biter, especially when she doesn't get a lollypop in the shape of a heart. Binyamin pounced the rabbi for a ring pop.

There is no more shul where people come to live as Jews. They all come to shul for programs now. Everything is a Program. Shabbat is now a program. They sometimes have that program every week.
Shul is programs and fundraisers. I don't even think our congregants know what Torah is. I think they believe it's a program with pizza. That's Thursdays. Pizza and Parsha. It has the two 'p's. Programs have to have the same letter starting each word. That's how Taco Tuesdays made it to our shul. Nothing to do with Torah. Could've had Torah Tuesdays, but everybody thought Tacos would draw more people.
The fundraiser was so successful, we're doing another fundraiser. Another Match the Donor. Now, everytime somebody gives Tzedaka, we have a fundraiser program. No more BBQs, all programs are fundraisers. The shul has turned very profitable. We are now up to 800K for the year. And thanks to the money raised, they were able to put in new lightbulbs in the chapel as well.

They brought a choreographer to teach Kaddish. It took them five lessons to get the three steps back with the leans. Shloimy still can't get down the concept of the left leg back first. He's also still off beat with the 'Talmidayhon' part.
The rabbi is hoping to have a twelve part series to teach the mourners what the words mean. So far, none of them know.

The rabbi does take a long time to finish the Shema. Since he became holier his Amidah is up to eight minutes.

You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz.
Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin.

The Head Nod
That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet.
Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. 
Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee.

A Blink
That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink.
Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition.

The Hand
It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition.
Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start.
As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment.

The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush
If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go.

Loud Breath Out
That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants.
I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison.

The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink
If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from).

The Table Bang
That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh.
The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!'

If There is a Rabbi Wait
How long? A very long time.
After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi.

Grunts and Throat Clearing
They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon.
I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts.

Conclusion
Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud.
And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin.
We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place.
One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition.

I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time.

Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah.

Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process.

We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish.
 
The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs.
To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot.
 
The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary.
 
We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares.
Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva.

Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world.

So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come.

If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva...

There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect...
The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza...
You wonder why the army is so messed up.

Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... ​
The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid...

A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish.

It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect...
(Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.'
You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva...
Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of...
You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim.
That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky.

(Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva...
Your designated task is to visit your rav...

Rivka's Rundown
That was a dark sermon.
Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish.

And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva.
Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?'

The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts.

The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days.
He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish.

People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds.

I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called.

Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too.
Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to.

They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish.
Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs.

The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.'
He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said.

The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people.
The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee.

The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer angry sarcasm, and Shavuot and how Pesach and how cheesecake turns people Jewish, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that non-Kosher cafes are Jewish. That should help with our Kiruv project.