(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
I enact rabbinic decrees in locker rooms when I'm trying to relax in the Shvitz.

Rambam (Hilchot Teshuva 7:5) teaches "All prophets commanded us to do Teshuva.” Always telling us we have to repent. Always focused on the negative. Never, “You guys are doing great with the idols."
 
(Devarim 25:17–19) We are commanded to remember Amalek to erase their memory. And we’re commanded to read that, in order to remember them, to not remember them. It’s not easy, but we have to remember to not remember Amalek. You forget things by remembering them.
Please forget that I wrote that. But remember what I wrote, but only to not remember what I wrote.
 
Everybody must fight in a Milchemet Mitzvah. (Rambam Hilchot Melachim 5:2) A war to protect Israel from enemies “you force the nation to go out.” Rambam left out the part, “Unless if you’re Charedi.” I said it.

You should forget what I taught here. But remember what I taught, so you can forget it, to remember it.​

Announcements
We pray for Israel, our Israeli soldiers and our American soldiers, even if members of our shul are against prayer because of Trump.

Jewish athletes are causing antisemitism by liking America. Be safe. Don’t say you support hockey. Their patriotism is very not American. We as a shul stand against hockey players who support the USA. The board’s official statement: “We’re against anybody who represents their country in the Olympics. Patriotism is not American.”

We are sorry to all who planned to fly to Israel. Iran has ruined your vacation again. In support and solidarity with our Jewish brethren getting bombed in Israel, we are planning a shul trip to Florida.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Trump’s the Reason You Quit Your Job & Your Wife Left. Jewish Athletes & Love of America- How Appreciation and Hockey Cause Jew Hatred. Follow-up Class- How Jews Are the Reason for Every Hockey Fight.  How to Throw Out Mishloach Manot. Trips and Iran's War Against Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 33:12, 33:18) Moshe seems to plead with Gd to know Him by name. He wants to see Gd’s “glory.” He wants to know more about H’. And I can say that I know enough about the board. I would be happier not knowing any of your names... When you care, you want to know more. There's an intimacy to a relationship, not a constant nagging to give shorter speeches. A wanting for your rabbi to get a little vacation, so him and his family can enjoy themselves...

(Shemot 33:20) Moshe is not able to see Gd’s face, as H’ tells Moshe, “Man cannot see My face and live.”
I would rather not see the faces I see in shul today... I wouldn’t mind if everybody here was behind a rock... Maybe H' just doesn't want the congregants to be coming to see Him. Because that can get very annoying.

Why does Moshe want to see H’ so much?
If you love and care, you want to know... None of you want to know about dues.
When there’s love, there’s a desire to know more. Which doesn’t exist in the Feinwitz household. I believe they are separated. And I don’t believe they have seen each other’s faces in two months... Mrs. Feinwitz has not requested to see the man.

Moshe wants to see H’ so much because Moshe wants truth. Moshe vTorato Emet. “Moshe and his Torah are Truth” (Baba Batra 74a). He wants to connect with all truth. Not lies. Like Mr. Finkelberg and his new concept for a shul pool... I understand it rhymes. That doesn't it make it good for our shul. You don't come to shul to then take a dunk and head to the Shvitz... I know the JCC is open on Shabbis. Doesn't make it the right. Truth. It does let us know which of our members are Apikorsim... I can tell. It's the ones that are not overweight.
You can only know truth when you know the deep desires. When you are intimate. When you love your spouse. Not like the Feinwitz Mishpuchi. You have to see the face. See the person...
​
Do you know what is going on for the people of Israel? Moshe would. He wants H' to be with His people. Moshe doesn't say he wants a board for H's people. Nowhere does Moshe say, "I think our board president, Ruchel, is good for the people. Everybody should know her."
Do you want to know more about Israel. Do you pray for them. A desire to know. An intimacy. A connection. To connect our people to H' and not messed up Mishloach Manot with bite size Snickers that can't even hold more than an "s"... If it can't hold the whole name, it's not a Snickers. It's a Ser, an Ner, a Rer... And now I'm entangled with candy that doesn't even have a full name... 

Connect with the president of the US. Pray for him... You people have to get over Donald Trump. He’s president and we have to pray for the end of the IRGC... There are other problems. I know. We still have a board. And our board meetings last longer than IRGC regime leaders.
The question is if Israel can stop our board from ruining our shul...
Truth is you hate Israel. You don't care about the Israeli soldiers or Israelis either... If you hate what Donald Trump is doing right now... Because you don't desire to to see his face. You got mad at Jack Hughes for wanting to go to the White House. You don't even care about hockey... So, now you hate Canada too.
What do you want to connect to? I know you don't want to connect with Gd... Because you're talking in the back, all of Davening, Max.
Can we pray for Mamdani?!... OK. You want to pray for Mamdani, because he hates Israel.
You have Tefillah Derangement Syndrome... Connect. Be intimate with the president. Invite him for lunch. For Kiddish. Pray...

It’s Jewish times of refuge, BE”H. Support your country. Support your soldiers... Our soldiers are not the IRGC. Iran not funding Hamas and Hezbollah is a good thing... Yes. Even if Trump is for it. I know that's confusing... I wish ICE would come to this shul and...
I don’t care about international law. Because the UN came up with it. How about Jewish law. Do you want to know that? How about Torah?! Maybe learn a little of Gd's word. Maybe that's more important than AARP Magazine... I know you're old.
Torah is our way to connect with H'. To see truth. Moshe's Torah is truth. Intimacy and truth. Stuff the Feinwitzs don't have.

Moshe brings the Truth to the people. A real leader... Truth. Words like genocide mean genocide. Genocide doesn't mean defending yourself. Illegal means illegal. Not the Shlomo took your Makom Kavuah... Even if it's your seat. Calm down. Not making shul painful with congregants means not having to deal with our membership...
Not to offend anybody. But you take out a terrorist regime, it's not a bad thing. Even if Donald Trump is part of it. And I just offended our board. If I get fired for not supporting terrorism... Last meeting, you were trying to figure out what should happen with the IRGC. You can't even figure out what drapes to pick for the shul's office window...
Moshe fights for Israel. And with that comes truth. He wants H’ to be with the people. And I would like that too... Because you're a bunch of Saturday JCC goers...

Supporting our soldiers is important. Very important... I know I disagree with the board. I'm here praying for our people. Our soldiers. The board is intimately trying to figure out where the Danish should be placed at Kiddish. They're praying for pastry that's not stale...

The only thing I know intimately is antisemitism. I know the board... Good question. For safety, should you say that you hate America. Let's ask an anti-Semite. Our shul president...

I want to be intimate with our people. Want to be able to visit Israel when I book a flight. The IRGC killed our last vacation... The congregation owes me another vacation...
We do blame EL AL too. We pray that EL AL won't be able to blame Iran anymore for bringing up the cost of flights.
I have intimately paid a lot for flights to Israel. The IRGC is the face of that. The IRGC, EL AL and our board... Forcing me to take vacations at the worst times. High season.
We must know Gd, our people, Israel, intimately. But that's impossible without flights. Moshe should've asked Gd to see better deals on EL AL...

We pray for safety for all. We pray for no more terror. Be a leader of a truth, like Moshe... Even on social media. Fight with your friends. Let them know they are wrong. Lose your friends. That’s what it takes... You will get fired. That is true. But you will have truth. You will have connection. And you will be broke...

How does going to Florida support Israel?... If you are not in Israel, they don't have to see you. If you didn't come to shul, that would be appreciated by the congregation. I get it...

(Shemot 33:17) H’ capitulates to Moshe’s requests. “Also this thing that you have said I will do. Because you have found favor in my eyes and I have known you by name.” Connection. That is what makes for compassion. For truth... I won't cut my sermons shorter. And I won't have more office hours. Whatever the board said, I will not do... I will be going to Israel. And I will support our troops. Because I want cheaper flights to Israel. For crying to H' out loud...
Truth can only be seen when you have a heart. Unlike these Israel haters and the board. If the board played hockey, they would've lost the game against Canada... Can you at least take pride in Jewish kids who are good at a sport. If we don't have that, all we have is Hollywood... Maybe don't say that to anti-Semites. Say the Mormons run Hollywood...

(Shemot 33:19) And with all of that H’ still says “I will be merciful when I choose to be, and I will be compassionate when I choose to be.” H’ is going to still be honest. With all the love. You can’t always show compassion. And that is why I have to say that some of you congregants are the worst thing for the Jewish people... H' chose to not be compassionate when He chose Ruchel and a bunch of Jews who think terror is good for our people, because Donald Trump doesn't like it... You not going to Florida instead of Israel is compassionate. An act of kindness to our nation...
Does Rebecca ever show compassion? Nope. Just a very annoying member of our shul who doesn't stop talking about her ideas for a new Challah role sourdough recipe...

Even Moshe still can’t see H’s face. There is always something us humans will not know. Something blocks our vision. Sometimes it's a rock. Sometimes it's Faye's fedora.
Some things will never make sense. Why Bernie comes to shul. Why he has to come to shul. Why Faye sits there with those annoying hats. Why Mitzi won't move from the Kugel at Kiddish. Other people are waiting. Why we have that back left section of very annoying congregants...
We have to know what we can. We still have to fight for what’s right. To see it. For truth. For better prices on EL AL...

There’s intimacy because there is a desire. A prayer. A connection.
H' comes towards Moshe's request. Moshe can't see All. But That's not what's important. What's important is that H' blesses him with a countenance that blinds the people and keeps them away... So, they don't bother him in his office... The desire is important. The Feinwitzs have absolutely no desire. And I understand. If I was part of that relationship, I would want out too.
I have no desire to connect with the board. They have chosen to never show compassion. Won't even give their rabbi Pesach off... And the guy working at the bakery hates you too.
That's the truth. The Emet.

H’ is beyond this world. You can't be in this Physical Olam and fully see H’. But you can be here and connect with his compassion. What He shows when He chooses.
May we be Zoyche to see H’ and His compassion for our people, our Olympians, our soldiers. And may He disband our board...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got political, and BE”H we will have fifteen less members next week.
I think the rabbi compared the board to the IRGC and Tucker Carlson.
What I gathered is the rabbi doesn’t want intimacy with his congregants. And that’s a good thing. Nowadays you get fired for that.
I think he also blamed ICE for not coming to our community. He was mad ICE hasn't come to our shul yet.

The Feinwitzs were hoping to get back together. They rekindled their love for one another. After the rabbi's sermon, they immediately signed the divorce papers. And there was a Bat Mitzvah in shul today. I think the rabbi called her an anti-Semite.

The board wants the rabbi to give shorter speeches. I believe everybody in our shul wants to know less of each other. Nobody in our shul has ever requested to see somebody's face more than they have to. People have stopped coming back for Seuda Shelishit on Shabbat afternoon, because they don't want to see the other members again. Truth is, most of the congregants walk with their heads down. Very immodest and egotistical people. They just don't want to see anybody.
Most of us would rather not know any names. We would rather not have people know our names. They know your name, they ask you to help. Best Shabbat meal I ever had was at a random family in Dayton, Ohio. Not one person knew my name. It got to the point mid-dinner where they were afraid to ask. I had been there too long for them to admit they didn't know who I was. I don't even think they realized I was sitting there. I didn't have to pass a thing.

The rabbi is truly mad about the cost of trips to Israel. I think that's what this war is all about. He just wants a deal on flights. He wants Israel and America to win the war in Iran so that he can find a sale on Travelocity. He's convinced that's why Israel is in this.
He also made the point that it's because of terrorists that we have to stand in security lines and get everything checked at the airports. Before that, it was much easier to shoot people on planes.

I brought up the politics at work this week. Not good. I realized I can't bring up anything I see in the news. I would be showing up every day saying, "People have died. And more people dead." People at my work don't like to hear that, unless if it's about a Jew. That at least brings a smile.

It is a time of Jewish peace. Be”H.
Oh. The rabbi got people mad, showing support for Israel and America. As Kim said, "Supporting the government. That's not very American." 
The Jews are mad that Jews might be safer without Iran. As Brian said, "Feeling safe is not Jewish. I am starting to feel a bit secure about myself. I'm turning into a Goy."
I got in a five hour argument with one of my friends at shul who made it clear that the real problem with this war is the Epstein Files. She got that from CNN. As she said, "That's exactly how it was reported. And they also said Mamdani is proIsrael. Which is why his wife likes posts which say to get the Jews out of Israel. I think she also wants them out of New York." She also mentioned later in the week that they had Mahmoud Khalil over to break the Ramadan fast, as a sign of support for the Jewish people. I think Mamdani's wife wants Jews dead. I'm beginning to think last week was a very heavy week.

Our members hate themselves so much. They will only pray for more antisemitism. That's their Tefillah. They hate the vLamlshinim prayer. They want a Bracha that says, "Our enemies should be blessed with more weapons, because of Donald Trump, who is trying to help our people."
Nothing bothered the people more than the rabbi praying for the end of terror. Our membership feels that’s not politically correct. As that’s their tradition. And they have the right to their tradition.

Iran truly kills vacations. As the rabbi said, "The IRGC's objective. is to get flights cancelled. And to have EL AL charge more."

That's how they support Israel. They don't visit.

The rabbi told a beautiful story about how you can get to know H' by getting to know a stranger. He quoted a rabbi. Forgot the rabbi's name. Just be happy I remembered this. All Moshe could see was an image of H', and a stranger is only an image. Which that stranger is. Created in the image of Gd, get to know that image. I think the point of that story was strangers are better than members. He brought it in the sermon to say that he doesn't want to know any of our membership. At least more than he already does. And he hates the board.

People want to know what they can do with wicker. They got Mishloach Manot on Purim and they're stuck. There are classy people out there who insist on wicker gift baskets. They refuse to use plastic or paper bags with clowns on them.
Not one of our congregants has any idea what to do with wicker. I know this, because they drop off their baskets at our shul and run. I see them on the security cameras. They look around, make sure nobody is watching, then they leave their trash and jet. And they don't pay dues. Our congregants are a bunch of punks.
Other than Mishloach Manot, we’re at a loss. Wicker is an anomaly. ​
Let’s try to explore if there's any practical use for wicker, other than holding snacks you’re trying to get out of your house.

You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. Can't burn it. Reusing it is wrong. It's not even a material. And now I'm confused.

Baskets. You can use wicker for baskets. You can use it for gift baskets. Gift baskets is about all you can do with wicker.
You can probably use it for stuff that came in the gift basket. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you can use it for small candy bars. Bite size Snickers. An open container for candy with a wrapper that can only hold one letter of the sweet's name.

​Wait. There is Kiddish. You can use wicker for Kiddish. If there's Kichel, you can use wicker. 
Challah. You can use it on the Shabbat table if your family is not financially stable. If you can't afford a Challah basket. Wicker.

People are still trying to figure out if there are ways to reuse wicker. No idea. I've never seen repurposed wicker. I've seen it grow mold. You can grow mold with it.
We use it at Kiddish, we have to put a napkin in it. By definition, wicker is dirty. Reusing it is wrong. However, if you fully cover it, you can use it for Challah and Kichel.
For all Jewish use you want to use a napkin.

Our shul has a storage room full of wicker. Nobody on our staff purchased the wicker. It's just there. A full room of wicker.
You can drop off wicker at our shul. Apparently, our office doesn't notice. With the video of our felon congregants, they don't notice. I would say it's wrong, but if nobody notices, you're fine. You can drop it off and store it at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
You can drop off wicker with all the other stuff you want to get rid of. Like old toys your children broke, and books you don't use, like Chumashim. Books people want to throw out usually include Sifrei Kodesh, holy books like Torah and Halacha books. Because our congregants don't use those. I would say that there is use for Chumashim, but they don't learn. 
Why people don't throw out broken toys and expired cans is something we're studying at board meetings. Like everything we discuss in committee, such as renovations, we haven’t figured it out. But we talk about it. We can't figure out why they drop their trash off at shul and don't throw it out, as none of it is made out of wicker.

To get rid of it, our shul had a prePurim wicker sale. Not one purchase. Turns out you can't sell it either. People don't even buy it.
We tried getting rid of some of the storage closet wicker. Wanted to make room for maintenance supplies. It looks weird with a vacuum and ladder sitting right at the main entrance to the shul. Wicker would be better synagogue decor.
We should've had a prePurim wicker mold removal event.

Lawn furniture can be made out of wicker. However, it's hard to use a chaise lounge as a basket. So I would stay away from it. And that is the real reason why there isn't much of a market for wicker lawn furniture. It's hard to wrap Hamentashen and a small bottle of Manischewitz in an ottoman.
Lawn wicker is also a good way to grow mold faster.

Point is, you can use wicker for gift baskets. Or there is wicker reuse as a Kichel napkin molder. And then there’s always Easter. Easter has baskets.
The one Purim tradition our congregants keep is dropping off wicker and leftovers at the shul. They hold that tradition dear. Learning the Megillah is not the focus. Dropping off trash is the focus.

As a modern rav, I've recently suggested to throw out wicker. Many have commended me on the revolutionary Psak. They said, “As long as the shul throws it out. I will leave it at the shul.”

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Hatzalah cars that are made smaller so that people can save more lives and people trying to Daven at the Kotel, all while trying to push through crosswalk reform in Israel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of kids smoking a cigarette, trying to take down the institution of Chinuch (proper Jewish education).

Thank you David for spreading Torah and the idea of children smoking as something positive. Too many people judge that kind of thing.

Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash.
 
Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul.
Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on.
 
We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly.
There’s a ritual.

When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves...
Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool...

(Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it.
Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet...
If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts...
You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly.
Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants...
When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish...

If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose...
Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?...

Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven.
The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk???
Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough...
You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... 
It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this.
Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... 
It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker...

Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. 
You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice.
On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed...

It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie.
Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman...
Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk.
Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman...

If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah.
For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition.
Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings...
You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever.

After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin.
The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle.
Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays...
After all of this, we can celebrate. 

Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona...
There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot.

Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum.
If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that...
Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out...
Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun.
I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants.
Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering.

Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat.
Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum.
I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. 

Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul.

I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it.

Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about.

I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. 

I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot.
Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up.

The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services.
All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk.
​
They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late.
It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too.

They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team.

The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics.

We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. 
The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it.
So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker.
​The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish.

The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody.

This is the Jews in sports issue and thank Gd there are no swimsuits. No Jews in swimsuits issue. Nobody needs to see that.
Here is what we saw the past couple months in sports and at the Olympics.

The Deni Avdija Saga
Deni Avdija is now hated because he's good at basketball. Who didn't see this coming?!
So much social media hatred, because he’s good at a sport. This would never happen to anybody other than a Jew. "He's averaging twenty-eight points a game. I hate Syria!!!" And of course they’re saying, "Now the Jews are running the world and basketball!" And they're right. The NBA commissioner is Jewish. We have to agree with the Jew haters here.

Let's go off on the Israeli NBA star and his bad decisions. Like a fool, Deni suggested people not share strong opinions if they don't know anything about a topic. Not very American. Then he went on to say that if you're not educated on a subject, you shouldn't talk about it. So now he's suggesting college graduates not have opinions. Only an aggressor would share such an opinion.
What kind of American is this guy?! And you wonder why people hate Jews.
And then Deni tells The Athletic, "I obviously stand for my country, because that's where I'm from..." What???! Is this guy just totally anti-American?! What kind of American supports their country?! Americans know better than to support their people.
And then he thinks that when you’re playing a game, it’s not a time for politics. You drive to the basket, you take a layup, you say, "I hate my country." That’s what normal NBA players do. Deni’s probably one of those haters who wouldn’t have kneeled during the national anthem.
And worst of all, Israelis are proud of Deni Avdija. And you wonder why so many people hate him.

Deni Avdija is the first Israeli athlete to ever make it to the NBA All-Star game and Spike Lee shows up to the game wearing a fishnet pattern Kaffiyeh and Palestinian flags. And it has nothing to do with Deni Avdija. As Spike Lee made clear, it was in support of Israel. Pure happenstance that he’s fully clad in Yasser Arafat. 
Spike Lee wrote, "I didn't know Deni as the first Israeli born All-Star. He can ball. Now I do know. Live and learn.” And what Spike Lee has learned is how to get away with stuff by lying. You say you had no idea, and it’s fine. It works. “I stabbed my husband. I didn’t realize he cheated on me.” When putting out an anti-Semitic film, Spike didn’t know that Jewish people run Hollywood when he said “Jewish people run Hollywood.” Maybe our last statement here is anti-Semitic. We take it back. We did not know. 
What Mr. Lee definitely did learn is how to steal lines from G.I. Joe. I’m guessing he also doesn’t know that “Now I Know” is Sergeant Slaughter’s line. And we just learned that Mr. Lee is not Chinese.
And he continued, "Nor was it intended as a comment on the significance of Deni being an All-Star.” He only wore it because Anthony Edwards is from Atlanta.
Turns out, Deni thinks Spike Lee should not have an opinion. Because Spike Lee is an idiot.
It turns out Spike Lee has made many inflammatory statements over the years. Every one of them against Jews. But he did not know they were against Jews when he made them against Jews.
As our contributor, Shlomo said, "Spike Lee was just trying to do the right thing." As Spike Lee was clear that he has "utmost belief in human dignity for all humankind." As such Spike will be wearing an Israeli flag to Gaza. He will walk down the streets of Gaza City to let everybody know that Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people. Thus, we will not be seeing Spike Lee at next year’s NBA All-Star game.
 
And the Olympics Saga
On February seventh burglars stole passports, suitcases, shoes, and thousands of dollars' worth of specialized equipment from Israel's bobsled team. It turns out the boycott divestment people truly do like Israeli products. And since then, a new form of divestment has begun, where you steal the Israeli products. Kind of like a divestment investment in Israeli products campaign.
This took place at their Olympic training camp in the Czech Republic. But they didn't let not having their clothes and other personal items keep them down. And the team continued training immediately after, which pissed off everybody else at the hotel. Making it hard for people to get to their rooms and sleep. The hotel manager had to stop this, saying, "Please take your sled back to the room, and find some clothes."
The Swiss announcer called AJ Edelman, the bobsledder, "a Zionist," which translates to "genocide backer" in French. It turns out AJ Edelman can’t even do simple bobsledding without being accused of killing Arabs. I believe the Swiss announcer missed this part. But I think we saw AJ using his sled to try to hit a Palestinian, who was standing at the end of the run.


At least the sports announcers don't let their lack of knowledge on a subject get in the way of their opinions.
I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that with a Swiss announcer blaming our Israeli team for Hamas. “And he took the guy to the mat. The same way he killed everybody in Gaza. Like a human shield. And he's now leaving the arena. Going back into his tunnel.”

People who were competing against Jews competed in this Olympics. In judo competitions, and past Olympics, athletes refused to fight Israelis. This being the only time Arabs and Islamic Republic of Iran have refused violence against Jews in recorded history.

Jack Hughes scores the overtime goal to give America the win in the Olympics hockey finals. Hughes has a Jewish mother and Christian father. We'll take it. He’s Jewish. Aerin Frankel, goalie for the US women's hockey team, brings home the gold with three shutouts. And this is why people hate Jews. Now Jews run hockey too.
Jews have finally found a sport they are good at. A sport that takes no running or jumping. And mind you, this is ice hockey. Not floor hockey. Which means none of these athletes are Frum. They might beat Canada, but they would lose to TABC Yeshiva.
Turns out that once the British team heard Aerin was Jewish, they stopped shooting on goal and started to try to hit her.

Upon taking the gold, Jack Hughes said he was proud to be an American. Not again. Another Deni Avdija.
As if being a proud American is not enough, Jack Hughes went off, “When you get the chance to go to White House and meet the president, we're proud to be Americans, and that's so patriotic…” Oh. No. This is where the antisemitism starts. He wants to see the president. I have no idea what school he went to, but this is a poorly raised child. This is why you have to separate children from their parents. 
He didn’t stop there. He keeps going, “No matter what your views are, we're super excited to go to the White House tomorrow and be a part of that." So unAmerican. And you wonder why people want Jews out of America. Not living in Israel. Living in… Not living anywhere. We went through the list of countries that want Jews.
If we've learned anything as a people, athletes should not represent their country. Especially in the Olympics.
 
More Sports That Were Left Out of the New York Times
Maccabi Tel Aviv football fans aren’t allowed at Maccabi games in Birmingham, UK. Israeli teams are allowed to play, but they're not allowed to have their fans. They’re allowed to have the other teams’ fans. And sometimes the fans for the other teams do cheer for Israel. We did catch a few chants with Israel in it. One went, “Down with Israel.” And there was one that went, “Israel go to hell.”
Maccabi fans are allowed to show up at Manchester United games. They’re allowed to go to England to root for the other teams. To quote one Maccabi fan, “It felt very Zionistic rooting for Leeds.”
It comes down to safety. It turns out soccer is a very dangerous sport because of Jews. Jews getting attacked by mobs is extremely dangerous to onlookers. When chasing Jews with bats and knives, it has happened that innocent bystanders were hit by a chair that fell. And that can’t happen.

The boxing champion, Floyd Mayweather, shows to the Republican Coalition for Israel and says, "I will always stand behind the country of Israel." That's all it took. The man has Jewish fans for life. Apparently, he’s against the massacre of Jews. Not a popular stance. We love him.
As he said, "I will always be the voice for the people in Israel." And he now is. He doesn't speak Hebrew. But we don't care. The man is our voice.
Greatest speaker ever. Two sentences, he’s representing us in the UN. And I believe the UN will be a more exciting place with boxing promoters. Get some fights going in that place. Some real fights. I’ve seen the look on those people’s faces. Don King should be on that. Getting Pakistan into it.

Lebron James, a supporter of Deni Avdija, said he hopes to visit Israel. Which is a beautiful thing. He's just waiting to be able to scrape together the cash to be able to make the trip. 
And that is how expensive EL AL is.

Great Jews in Sports was published in 1983. A new edition has not been put out since. The last great Jewish athlete is Hank Greenberg.
As we have seen, a lot of great Jewish athletes are now starting to shine. With all the intermarriage, we might need to put out another volume soon.
 
That was a lot. If we’ve learned anything the past few months, B”H, it turns out they hate Jews in sports too.

I don't know Cliff, but I do have his notes. Nonetheless, I don't like calling them Cliff's notes, as Megillat Esther is a Jewish thing. I also refuse to call them Cole's, as I have never met a Jew named Cole. We shall thus call these Kfir's Notes.
Let us begin Megillat Esther.

​Chapter 1
Achashverosh, the king, has a big party. Which means a lot of drunk people. That’s how you show your wealth. You spend it and ensure people have a hangover and puke.
It wasn't an ice cream party. You want to be popular, you throw a kegger. Not a custarder.

All happened in Persia. But we know that's Iran. You can't fool us. We know the Persians are the ones causing all the problems.
Jews say they’re Persian, Persian Jews, but we know. 
 
One-hundred-eighty-seven days of drinking. And not one of them showed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. People didn't get addicted back then. They just kept on drinking. Hence, no issues.
It wasn't one-hundred-eighty-seven days of vanilla strawberry swirl soft serve. Though, I would've loved that. 
Nowadays, you can't even get away with one day of coming home drunk without your wife going off on you. You need a king's edict just to have a shot.

These guys were in the palace, partying. Loving it. Until a woman talked. Women can truly kill a good half year of binge drinking.
At the end of the party, Achashverosh invites his wife to show her beauty. Somehow, she didn't like the sound of walking into a room of a bunch of drunk men, for them to check her out. I'm guessing, if he would've said he wanted to have a romantic candlelit dinner, she would've come. All dinners were candlelit back then. If a guy ever asks you to a candlelit dinner in the 500 BCEs, be suspicious. 
People were like, "Wait. Why are there no women?... Achshi. You're a cool guy and all. But a hundred-eighty-six days of Bros, that's a little much." They called him Achshi. After drinking with the king for half a year, you're buddies. Buddies shorten their buddies’ name. 

Vashti refuses come. Like the annoying wife, she tells him to sober up first. "I don't want to see you drunk."
This was the first time a woman expressed her opinion in Persia. It was scary. The wise men were in shock. "Hold on. These things talk. That's not good. Did she just make a decision. Every book I've ever read says these things listen to men and cook what man wants. But they don't talk... Opinions?! Next thing you know, every man in Persia will be stuck eating chicken curry and gazpacho."
So they get rid of Vashti, because women shouldn't talk.

The drunk men were not happy that Vashti did not allow them to hoot at her. Much argument takes place as to why women should not make decisions. But nobody has any good answers, as they couldn't ask women what they thought. One fool said, "We should ask a woman. Women have good ideas." They hung him.

The wise men decide it’s not good for women to make decisions. "We must stop them. Otherwise, we will have to come back home Saturday nights to be with the family." 
Vashti is gone. She is royalty no more, and an edict is sent out that men shall rule over their homes. And the homes of Persia become very messy. Schmutz everywhere.

And this is why we have the Ayatollah.
 
Chapter 2
Achashverosh realizes that getting rid of his wife was a bad decision. Not having a wife feels bad when you're sober and you don't have a decent series to watch. 
Being a king is not easy. You can't always depend on the harem and the concubines. You only have two-thousand in the harem. What do you with all the extra free time when you're not with the concubines.
This is where the saying "you only have one-thousand concubines" comes from. Later, people perverted Achashverosh's words to be, "You only have one wife."
 
​Achashverosh wakes up by himself and realizes he needs another one of these things. "I like these Vashti things. How do I get another one of these Vashti things?" The popular word for women in those days was "things." And it wasn't considered male chauvinism. Because women weren't allowed to talk, it was considered men's rights. According to men, you had men and things.

The men decided the best way to do get another one of these things was to bring a bunch of women into the house and wait another six months to see them. To which Achashverosh responded, "This feels like a Jewish engagement."

Mordechai tells Esther, his cousin who he raised, to go try out for the role of queen. A theater dad. See it all the time in the Jewish community. "Perform for the king. It's a good gig. Marrying the king is good money. It sets you up for life. A good pension."
Mordechai needed the money. We know this. In chapter four, he’s walking around in sackcloth.

Esther joins the harem for six months of perfume. In those days, they didn't have deodorant. It took a long time to get rid of the stench of the ghormeh sabzi.
Esther is liked by the people and the king likes her the most. He decides she’s instead of Vashti. And now she can talk to the king when summoned. She better talk to the king when summoned. You don't want to make a Vashti. Vashti was the slur used for a good hundred years for women who didn't summon upon being summoned.
No other woman is allowed to talk for fear of death. Which, to be honest, makes it easier to get in a word.
 
Mordechai heard these two guys, Bigtan and Teresh, planning to kill the king. They were still into this "No Women" protest thing. When they saw the Achashverosh was willing to talk to a woman, they started the "No Kings" protest. They truthfully just enjoyed protesting, and made good money off it. They had a few months where they had nothing to protest. They started a "Concubines Matter" rally. They even rallied for "Free Lydia," where they were shouting, "Kill all the Jews," because it's fun to say that. 
Through Esther, Mordechai tells Achashverosh that Bigtan and Teresh want to kill him, so they hang Bigtan and Teresh. End of that story. I don't believe Achashverosh took this to court.
And they put it in the chronicles. This way everybody can forget about. “’And we killed them.’ Anything else happen today… ‘And the king enjoyed the teriyaki sauce.’”
No last names. In the history of mankind there has never been another Bigtan and Teresh. People don't know this, but Bigtan was very small. His friends were going to nickname him LargeMass. But his buddies went with Bigtan, as it sounded less offensive. Teresh's nickname was "Teresh."

Conclusion
There were a lot of buddies in the days of Achashverosh.
And now you can't get drunk on Purim, or your wife will get mad at you. There's a reason for edicts.
And all because Vashti talked, women are set back to having to use perfume again. And there are another twenty-four-hundred years till women's rights, Bloomingdale's and community gardens are created.

I believe this is longer than the Megillah itself. We're only in chapter two, and we haven't even discussed soft serve ice cream. It might be more useful to skip Kfir's Notes and read the Megillah on Purim.

Announcements
Do not worry about your homes. We want to let all Jews of our town in Kansas know that Mamdani does not have any control over the taxes in Topeka. Living here is still affordable. The rabbi wants to ensure the congregation that Mamdani cannot make decisions from New York for Topeka, Kansas Jews.
 
Deni Avdija represented Israel in the NBA All-Star Game, and now people hate Jews more.
We had a committee and meeting and discussed it. It's fine to support Israeli in the Olympics. Even if you may lose your job, you're allowed to say, "Israelis are good people."

Members don’t have to worry about showing up to shul. We took down the Rosh Chodesh sign. People will not be scaring families and banging tables in the shul this coming week.
The Gabai took down the Yaaleh vYavo sign. Such a Mechaiyah. A joy. A pleasure. Davening won’t take an hour and a half. And nobody will be singing.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Community- Mamdani and Our Shul’s Board. Israel and Our People- Why Nobody Comes to Our Congregation for Help- A Story of a Board Led by Ruchele. When A Shul Has Nobody Who Represents Their People in the Olympics or at a Board Meeting. Making Rosh Chodesh Very Painful with Our Chazin- How Such a Short Davening Can Last So Long and Other Miracles You Don’t Want to Witness.
​
Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. H’ goes through everything that you can give to the Tabernacle and how to make it. Because you leave anything for translation and you guys mess it up... I saw what you gave Menachem for his Bar Mitzvah. H' doesn't want you giving Him second hand books. He doesn't need stuff you're trying to get rid of... The book cover worn. The spine had creases in it...

(Shemot 25:21) “And you shall put the Cover on the Ark from above...” Because you fools would try to put the cover on the side. Some of you would try to put it on the bottom... Because you people make no sense. Malkie put the lid on the side of the pot. What happened? Soup spilled everywhere. H’ has to remind you guys that covers are supposed to cover things... And clothes cover you when you come into shul. If somebody can please tell the Filberman cousins...
(Shemot 26:11) “And you shall bring the hooks into the loops...” Because that’s what normal people do with hooks and loops. H’ has to spell it out for you people. You hook the hooks in the loops... That's why they're called hooks, Brian...

(Shemot 26:30) “You shall erect the Mishkan according to its right way, that will be show on the mountain.” It's not supposed to be the way Marty decided the back awning should look... It looks like you're entering a circus. What's with the red and yellow?! No shul has red and yellow on their awning, unless if they're selling hotdogs...
​The Mishkan is the Tabernacle. Does that make more sense? Is Tabernacle a better English word than Mishkan??? Well. I'm confused about that too... Got to spell things out for you. Otherwise, you do it the wrong way. Like the renovations and the new four by six dance floor... Who creates a four foot by six foot dance floor? Are we going to have Bar Mitzvah parties with two people?!...
When it's not Gd, it’s not right. You start coming up with messed up definitions of stuff, like genocide. You start coming up with weird commentaries about Jews using bobsleds in the Olympics to hit Gazans... You start smacking tables instead of calmly letting people know it's Rosh Chodesh... 

Sometimes there is no room for your creativity. Because you will mess up the building. You guys can’t even figure out how to put the parts of the Sukkah together... It’s not construction. It's canvas. It's a drape.
Put it together like I am telling you. Do renovations like H’ wants. Renovations of the sanctuary. There’s a reason Yankel Baruch isn’t working the drill for the new Mechitzah... Good question. I don’t believe H’ ordered people from Central America to build the Tabernacle. Though Phil has some amazing people on his staff...

You make no sense. That's why we have commandments.
Just follow H’s way and it will work out right. It will be “one.” It won't fall apart like the Lefkowitz wedding cake. Or their wedding for that matter.
The Mishkan comes together as one. Not like this shul. And I understand why nobody can stand Rob... Because H’ did not say the Tabernacle needs a bride’s room. We haven’t had a wedding here in five years...
Do things the right way. 

Mamdani also makes no sense...
Mamdani doesn't control the world. I understand he said he'll arrest Bibi... Who's going to arrest Bibi if there are no police in New York.
Mamdani is good for the Jewish people. We will finally witness the Geula and Jews moving back to Israel...
Some Jews might move here, to Topeka... I'm worried our people will be more scared of Bernie and Fran than Mamdani. You people are very scary. And then the Rosh Chodesh table whacking. Calm down. H' didn't say to frighten people. He said to pray. I said Yaaleh vYavo and had an anxiety attack... I have no idea how that tradition started. Somebody must've been mad Davening was taking too long, and then they slammed a table. Now our congregation thinks it's a law to scare everybody...

We must stick up for our athletes. That's the right thing to do. Stick up for Israel and our athletes... Not one person in this shul is athletic. Which is why I don’t support you.
Am I supposed to support you sitting on a Cybex machine??? Just sitting there.
Stick up for them. In the Olympics. They're our people. No need to get into it like Mushka. Just support them. No need to scream, "Jews. There are Jews on the screen!!! Jews in the Olympics!!!" Calm down. Some Jews are athletes too. Some Jews are in shape. You don't see them in our shul. But there are Jews who are healthy...
They're our people. Let it be known. Israelis are good people. The Israeli army is moral. Be proud. Our people are good, and our shul does not represent them...

The Rosh Chodesh sign is very scary. I understand. I see it and I get anxiety attacks. Don’t worry. It’s down. You can show to shul again. It won’t take an hour and a half for Wednesday morning Davening... It takes an hour and a half when you Daven alone, because you keep forgetting to say Yaaleh vYavo. That's on you. You can't blame the Chazin for you having to repeat Shemonah Esrei five times. You can’t focus for three minutes? What goes on in your mind during the Amidah?... We can send Michel Baruch to bang on a table and scare you into saying Yaaleh vYavo. Ever since I heard an angry Michel Baruch table slap, I have not forgotten to say Yaaleh vYavo. In fear he might whack the table harder... We've lost tables in shul to Michel's whacking...
H' did not say to break tables at shul on Rosh Chodesh. That's not one of the commandments....
So scary hearing them bang. Why the banging. We have the sign. What’s the point in the sign… And then you forget anyways. With the sign…
And then he sings it. Everybody hates you. I understand you’re the Chazin but people hate coming to shul because of you… That's the real reason people bang. People are banging because they’re mad you’re singing. You and the front right of the shul. That's why people stay away from you all in the front right. You're instigators. You egg on the Chazin and his singing. And you have bad harmony... H' never said to harmonize.

​H's way is the right way. It makes sense. You throw out everything for Pesach. And you use plastic. Plastic dishes. A lot of plastic on Pesach... Because it makes sense.
Just follow how H' says to do it...
Maybe we need brides before there is a bride's room. Maybe first Pinny should meet somebody....
H' says to say Yaaleh vYavo. Do it the first time and I will submit a proposal to the board that Michel Baruch stops breaking things in shul.
And do renovations properly, without our members... Our members should try to get in better shape... Stop being creative and things will be decent around here. Maybe people will build properly and stop trying to figure out how to fit loops into loops. It's not a shul. This place is a brain teaser...
At least we won't be walking into Shloimi and Yaelis Four Loop Circus... That's what it looks like when you enter the shul with that awning... H' wants gold plated metal looking letters on fronts of buildings. That's why every Yeshiva has it...

Worst gifts. Never get a gift from our membership.
And cover yourselves. You put a shirt on the top of your body. A sports jacket over the shirt... That's what H' wants in shul... TABERNACLE.

Rivka's Rundown
You need to spell things out for our congregants. Like the word “Tabernacle.” Our rabbi had to spell that out countless times during the sermon.
Nobody could wrap their head around Tabernacle being an English word, because the word wasn’t “building.” If Mishkan was the English word, I'd understand my language better.

Truly the worst gifts. For our anniversary we got second hand Tupperware.

I must agree with the rabbi. Canvas is not construction. It's curtain placement. Yet, our congregants want to say it's building because that's the extent to which they have ever built anything. They've suggested the shul pays people to build stuff. Other than messed up ideas for renovations, they are useless.
The rabbi gave in. He felt bad. Canvas Sukkahs is the only handy thing these guys do around the house. They put up a Sukkah and they take pride in that. And they hire a guy to come and unclog a kitchen sink. Not one member in our shul can figure that out.

All people can talk about is Mamdani. 
People are worried about Mamdani. One guy sold his home and moved out of Topeka because he's afraid of communism in New York. Worried he'll get taxed by Mamdani if New Yorkers refuse to pay the five billion dollars he wants them to pay for LGBTQ afternoon coffee get-togethers for religious children. 
I’m worried too. It feels like a lot of Jew hatred. I think I heard him say, “Jews have no rights anywhere.” And then he said, "I can make those decisions. And I'm going to tax the Jews." I think Mamdani said he controls Israel too.
That guy has guts. Who says they run the world, and yet have no power to do it?! That takes guts.

Our members get very violent around Rosh CHodesh. The Yaaleh vYAvo bang is scary as anything. It feels like a fight with the table. 
Michel Baruch put on an exhibition of Yaaleh vYavo table breaking. Now the shul lost all the tables that came in with the new renovation. That's ten thousand dollars lost. It looks like a hate crime was committed on our shul.
Due to the rise in antisemitism, Michel has been asked by parents to teach his form of karate. Which is now known as Ryu-Chodesh. Many children in our shul have signed up for Ryu-Chodesh Dojo. One or two of our new members from South America refused to show up, as dojo sounded to much like DOJ. So, Michel Baruch now just calls it a Ryu-Chodesh practice room.
As part of the Kata, upon striking with the Kiai breath they shout "Yaaleh vYavo." One kid struck a member of our shul when he noticed the person did not say Yaaleh vYavo. The child was reprimanded, as Rosh Chodesh had passed.

And then these idiots sing. I want to hurt them. There is nothing happy about Rosh Chodesh at our shul. One fool requested we do a musical Rosh Chodesh. I calculated the addition of instruments at an extra forty-five minutes. That's two hours and fifteen minutes with the Chazin.
The rabbi is right. The banging is because of the singing. It feels good to get out your anger at the Chazin. That's why I bang. I bang at Shabbat Musaf when the Chazin sings during the Kedusha prayer as well. And then I shout at the members in the front right of the shul. They start with their harmonizing, I yell at them. The only issue is I've been complimented on my harmony. It turns out my yelling sounds better than their singing. It's a bit of a compliment. I didn't know my yells sounds so good. I've been yelling at people for a while now. I think it just feeds my ego as a want to be deva. 
I also appreciate the rabbi's explanation of the secondary reason for why the banging is done in such a scary way. It's because otherwise people will be like Tzvi and forget to say Yaaleh vYavo. They whack the table, you live through it, you remember to praise Gd. 

The rabbi brought up Jews in the Olympics. That excites our congregants almost as much as seeing a Yarmulke on a TV show.
​There is not one athlete in our shul. The board took a vote, and they decided that posting your aerobics workout online does not make somebody an athlete. And they agree with the rabbi that it's Asur to post workouts, as it's forbidden to bring pain on other people.

The greater community is shaming us for supporting Jewish and Israeli athletes. They are claiming that Israel competing in the Olympics is an act of genocide. I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that.
I will not stop supporting our athletes. I'm with the rabbi. "Just don't support our membership."

Here is what I saw the past few months in the news.

For anybody who missed it. Antisemitism still exists.
Guy rams into 770 with his car. Some people are willing to do go way too far to get their dollar.

Israel laser missile defense program is shunned by the world. It makes it not fair when they shoot rockets at Israel. ​To quote, "People shoot missiles at Israel. Missiles cost a lot. It's a waste when they don't hit... And this is why we hate Jews." Turns out the world is very mad about this idea of Jews being safe. As are Spike Lee and Tyler Oliveira.

New electric water drip system in Israel is working. Baruch H'. No idea what it is. But it works. And it's good to know that. Happy we got that news. I will do what I can and not get involved.

Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, is now doing press conferences on subways. He's already bankrupt city hall to the point that he has no office.
The mayor said, "It's better to meet on the subway. There are less rats here."
The people in the cart for the press conference were not very happy. They were trying to figure out if they got on the wrong train. Middle of the news conference, the woman in the back got up and asked Mamdani if the train was going to stop at Times Square. To which Mamdani said, "No. It's too dangerous. And the garbage hasn't been picked up." I'm not positive that all happened. But I think it did.
I think he's the only New Yorker that feels safe on the subways. He's not Jewish.

Jews are still against Jews and Israel, as it is a Jewish value to hate Jews.

Universities in Europe want to boycott Israel, again. They still can't get it right. Turns out they're not very good at not buying Israeli products.

Nothing positive about Jews was in the news. Even China is spreading propaganda about Jews. Not very happy about it, the CCP is doing what they can to make up for thousands of years of not knowing that Jews messed up their lives too.

Israel breaks the ceasefire by getting shot at.
New Media Definition of the Week: Breaking a Ceasefire- When they shoot at you.

Britain has new laws which don't allow you to share thoughts. So, if you're from England, please do not read any of this. You will get arrested. 

Apartheid Free Zones have been created in Hackney, Bristol, Sheffield, and Brighton. Apartheid free means that Jews are not allowed. Many of our readers may not know this, but the definition of apartheid is the presence of Jews in your neighborhood. Apartheid free also means not buying anything from Israel, because Jews live there with Arabs.
To make the people of the neighborhood feel comfortable they went around and knocked on Jewish doors, to let Jews know they suck. They were quite polite about it. Some even rang the bell. "Top of the morning to you. And you suck. And you are killing people right now. Enjoy your tea. You Earl Grey genociders."
They wanted to give Jews speeches about how they suck, and how they shouldn't be allowed to live. And they figured the proper way to do this is with a neighborly Jew hunt. They took down addresses of people who think Jews have the right to live in a country with people who don't want to kill them. In order to fight genocide.
Going from door to door, asking people if they're Jewish was met with some criticism by locals who made it clear that you don't have to ask people if they're Jewish. "You can just see if they have a Mezuzah." As the protector of our people went on, "You can just mark down the homes that have the Mezuzahs on them."
In many of the Chasidik neighborhoods the Jew hunters received a lot of Tzedakah. To quote one Chasid, "I've never seen a Mishulach without a Kippah. Usually, they knock on my door and ask for money. These people had a very long pitch. I just gave them the Gelt. It's a Mitzvah."
American Jews were angered by this episode, claiming, "It also happens to us. My address was taken down by the Jewish Federation. They won't stop harassing me."

Jews are still being attacked. Wanted to make that clear.

Iranians are being massacred by the Ayatollah. Nobody cares. It's Israeli propaganda to care about the murder of Iranians. Let's move on.

Miss Universe had a Miss Palestine, Nadeen Ayoub. She won the Miss Palestine preliminaries unanimously against herself. The contest had no other contestants, because Palestine does not exist. But she won that.
Nadeen married the son of murderer and terrorist Marwan Barghouti. And she named her son after the terrorist. Not important. It’s tough to name kids. You don’t want to get your father-in-law mad.
 
Video shows snowstorm in Gaza. Now Israelis are creating snow to kill more Gazans.
According to many news syndicates, Gaza is now located in the Himalayas. And Israel is still attacking them there, with snow.

Back to Iran. Mark is on our staff and he seems to care. To quote Mark, who's American, "The killings in Iran. That ruined my day." Mark feels for the Iranian people and he was not able to enjoy his workout. Mark wants it to be known that he showed solidarity. Mark is American and his day was thrown off. He did his part for the cause. And we at the Kibbitzer are with Mark. If anybody wants to hang out later, Mark is hoping to hit a nightclub to show solidarity.
Most Americans are against saving Iranian lives. As has been stated, "They didn't attack police at their rallies in LA. And it is wrong to not attack police. Last time we saw this was at the proIsrael rally. Shame!"

News syndicates take back news about Israel again. They finally get the news right the fifth time around.

Ceasefire resumes. This is the most violent ceasefire I have ever seen.

Tucker Carlson made a trip to Israel for his first pilgrimage ever, to the Ben Gurion Airport. He wanted to witness where Jesus flew out of.
Tucker did not make it to Jerusalem or the Jordan River. Tucker wants to make it clear that Nazareth and Bethlehem are also not important to the real Christians. What is important to the real Christians is Saudi Arabia. To quote Tucker Carlson, "Everybody knows that."
I hope I am not misrepresenting Tucker Carlson. We all feel bad that he was abused with questions. Nobody should ever have to witness such things at an airport. We at the Kibbitzer are angered by the episode and insist Israeli security stop asking people who packed their bags.

Muslims pray in New York City. That scares people. Islamic prayer has people on edge.

Some say seventy thousand have been killed in Iran by the Ayatollah's recent massacres. Because it's not Israel, Google has the number at seven thousand.
​Trump said he has the back of the Iranian people in their fight against the regime. Which means he has done nothing.
My understanding of the conversation. "We have your back. Don't stop. We won't let them kill you." "Where is this guy?! They are stabbing me right now!!!" "Keep at it. Don't give in." "I'm at the hospital and they just shot my doctor." "Don't worry. Keep strong. We're right here."
The rest of the conversation was. "Where the hell is America. They kidnapped my family and just cut off my hand and raped it." "If Trump doesn't come next week I'm converting to Islam." And that is how you bring loyal people to your faith.

Death toll numbers in Gaza still show no combatants. It is now clear, Israel killed sixty-thousand journalists.

Next week we will have a special Jews in the News focusing on the Olympics, Jews in sports, and how they have caused antisemitism by competing.
Our full report on Mamdani’s snow removal will come in our spring issue, when the snow melts. We want to give him a chance to get rid of the snow.
Our chief editor, Rachel, said we should just write, "Zohran Mamdani insists that you need two forms of identification and a social security card to shovel." She believes that nothing we write will be funnier than that. She also said we can add, "And he is asking Jews to shovel."

(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also has me thinking more when going down a flight of stairs.
To do repentance right, you want to make sure that you have a constant worry of death. And that is how you find happiness.
If you find yourself at a bar, as a religious Jew, always think of your friend choking on the peanuts. That will bring true joy. That and bringing up conversations of how we all die one day.

(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 320:9) You can walk on snow on Shabbat, even if your walking crushes it and makes water. Tell this to all the people that didn’t show up to shul last Shabbis. 

(Vayikra 19:17) “Don’t hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow...” I take this Mitzvah to heart and tell people off regularly.
I’m very good at telling people off. Sometimes I flip them the bird, to ensure I am fulfilling the commandment correctly. Especially when driving.

After Orlah (first three years when you can't eat of a tree's fruit), in the fourth year the fruit is Neta Revai and has Kedusha, holiness. If you live long enough you might be able to enjoy an apple.

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.

Dear Dave,
And now this just happened. I know I just sent a letter, but now this happened.

I made the mistake and went to the wedding. Relative got married. So, I drove back down to New York. 
It got out that I was driving seven hours. So, my cousin thought it's a good idea to ask me to pick up his family.

Let me repeat. I'm driving seven hours to this event. I get a, "Can you pick us up?!" Like I was driving seven hours because it was my turn for the carpool. 
So, now I'm driving another two hours to pick up family. We're now driving nine hours. How that makes sense? I don't know. It's how carpools work in my family. Truth is, I have never driven the family carpool before, because I don't live anywhere near them.
In his mind, me driving an extra two hours is nothing. Why? Because I'm single.
We got other cousins living down the street from him. I've got siblings right by him. Can't call them. "Your sister is going to come? It's a long drive for her." Fifteen minutes. That how long the drive is for my sister. "She has to drive fifteen minutes out of her way. That's no right. She shouldn’t have to come pick me up."
The whole time, I'm thinking, "Does he not know he's talking to me right now!!!" Did I hear that correctly?! Me driving the extra two hours, now driving nine hours. Me. I have to hear that fifteen minutes is too much????!!!! I'm driving seven hours, by myself. I don't think he caught that part.

So, I of course say "yes." And still no credit. Because my sister is married.
Like I said the other day, they get credit for not showing. Them not helping, they get credit for that. "Your sister doesn't have time. She has kids."
Why do they think married people are always busy? I know a lot of very irresponsible parents. And they are not busy watching over their children. And I know this, because I go to shul.
And by the way, single people have responsibilities. They have dogs. And you won't even let them bring the dog to the wedding. How Frum Jewish weddings never let you bring a plus one.

It's at this point that I've already listened to every podcast that exists about Trump going into Iran. And I have another five hours left. Silence. Nothing to listen to other than "Karma Chameleon" for five hours.
What got me going is my aunt then asked me to pick her up. That's another forty-five minutes out of the way. So, we're up to ten and a half hours of driving, just to get there. My sister is up to sixty-five minutes. Round trip.

I appreciate my sister and her time. I just thought that I had time too. Like time existed for me. Like I had stuff to do during this thing that married people call "time." 
I would love to get some of this time stuff.

In the meantime, I'm driving around to all the married people's homes, because it turns out married people don't have the ability to pick people up.
How carpools work when I'm not driving twenty hours, I have no idea. How kids make it to baseball practice, I have no idea.
I hope nobody brings up carpools as a topic of conversation at the wedding. I will end up having to drive down to the Bronx to pick up my cousin's in-law's child for little league.
I'm going to end up doing their chores. Watch. They're talking right now, "I can't run errands today. David has freetime. He's single. What's David doing in Upstate New York. Maybe we should reach out to David. Have him drive down and pick up the milk. He’s single."

If I bring up that a married person can help, they start going off on everything married people have ever done to help. I'm hearing, "Back in kindergarten, I helped John and Samantha trace the 'c.'"

Just be fair with who you ask for what. They have to stop expecting single people to do everything.
How do I tell my family I have a life? How do I tell them, “I have my own errands to run”?

Point is, I need somebody in my life so that I don't have to pick up family. 
I have to get married. Then I'll never have to help again... I just broke into musical. I took a break and wrote a musical dream sequence. I was inspired.
If I have a family, I'll never have to help family.

If you talk to my family, please let them know I do stuff. Here's a list of things I do: Basketball, learn Torah sometimes, take care of the house, worry about the house, vacation, date, entertainment, watch a series, worry, watch another series, worry about what series I'm going to watch next, forget I had a date, go to shul when I wake up on time, work out, get more sleep, watch a few movies, go over my baseball cards because I had a hobby that I spent a lot of money on forty years ago.
Don't tell the girls I collect cards. Tell them I lift. That sounds cool. And don't tell them I help people. They hear I'm single and I help, we go on a date, they're going to ask me to pick them up.

Problem is when they hear I'm going to the Simcha. Somehow, the people who are celebrating let everybody know, "David can pick you up." They're about to get married and they make it a point to screw me over.
That's it. I'm never telling family I'm coming. I shall never RSVP again.

Is my understanding of what they expect from single people correct? Do married people ever get asked to do favors?
I'm just happy they didn't ask me to help the caterer. Nobody asked me to pick up the wedding cake on my way.

Got to run. My single friend at work just asked me to take over his shift. He said, "It wouldn't be right to ask the other guys to help, they're married and they have responsibilities."

LSimchas,
​David

Dear Dave,
Why is nothing I do as a single person appreciated? A person of single origin.

I showed up to the Bris. I was there. That's all I have to say. Somebody has to tell my family that.
They didn't forget anybody else. Just me. All married people were noticed. I know this, because my nephew went over the list of people who showed up to watch the circumcision. He named them all. "Shimi, Baruch and their families even came. And... But I don't remember you being at the Bris. And you're single. And you have nothing else to do." 
By the way, as an old single man, I can't announce, "I'm here to watch the circumcision." That's one of the things I've learned over many years of being single. Maybe it's better I wasn't on that list. As a single man, it's better for me to sign my name at a funeral than a Bris.

I went to the Bris. I was there. I feel like I have to prove it to you too. I'm sorry I didn't take pictures. If you want pictures, my cousin was loving the whole thing. She has a whole Bris album.
I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures and putting together a special Bris album. Is it fine to have dedicated Bris pictures? I don't know. I feel like there's a reason most people stick to wedding albums.

That was an eight-hour drive to Long Island. I got nothing. Not even a thank you. People drove in from Brooklyn, they got an announcement. “The family that went out of their way, on their trip to Queens…” That's what married people get. Credit for stopping by for breakfast.
No credit. I need a family, just to be remembered. To get some credit.

Even if they do remember, it's because I have free time. "He had free time. So, he drove eight hours. That's what single people do, because they have free afternoons." Like I have nothing going on. Like there isn't a new series I want to watch?!!! 

​Why do I want some credit? To feel like a person. I'm not even asking for married person credit. I'm just asking for some credit. Something. Maybe, "We want to thank the guy in the back without friends who came because he had nothing to do."

Nothing other than kids takes time. You can’t do anything good as a single. Anything good they start with, “He has free time. I would've dedicated twelve years to saving children in Sudan too. I just have a family.” No matter how much you help. “The reason your uncle came to the circumcision. He’s a failure.”
No idea why I showed up to the Bar Mitzvah either. No family points, and I'm now a creep, because they invited me. I have to stop showing up to Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions.
Funerals. I have to show to funerals. At least I won't feel bad if the Baal Simcha doesn't give me credit.

Response to me showing to a family party, driving by myself, no sleep, missing work. “He’s single. He’s a yutz.” “It’s free time. Married people don't have that.” “He visits sick people because he’s lonely.” “He goes to nursing homes because he's hoping to meet somebody.” “He’s here because he has no job.” “He came for the free food.” I traveled through the night for the falafel party. I drove by myself, lost work with no second income in the house, because I like the garbanzos. By the time that trip was over, the expense was six-hundred-eighty-dollars. But I got a free pita. I am still trying to figure out why they had an Israeli themed Bris, naming the kid "Yankel."
The Chutzpah of it. They don't think I work, and not one of them offers to pay for my gas.
 
Married people don’t show, they get credit for that. “They have so much going on with their kids. They couldn’t come. Their hearts are here.” Do you know how much credit my siblings get for their hearts showing up to events?!
“David has no heart… Because he has no kids.”

Am I paranoid? No. They see me as a yutz with no future prospects. 
They can at least help. There is no reason they can't go around at the Bris and ask if anybody is in the process of getting a divorce.

I need to have kids just to get credit. I could stay home and get more credit and family points for sleeping. "David needs sleep. He couldn't come. You should be more like him and sleep through family events."
When you’re not there, they think you have something going on. Next time, I shall stay home. People will think I’m accomplishing stuff. My nephew might even think I was there. My absence is more present than my presence. Think about that for a moment. That's quite spiritual, Dave.
 
That’s enough for today. It’s good to get it out.

Point is that nothing you do will ever be appreciated. You can do Mitzvahs. They don't care.  Visit the sick, they think you’re hitting on them while they have pnemonia. Other than that. “The guy doesn’t even work.”
Point is it's not worth it to do Chesed. Don't help people. Helping people makes you look like you have nothing going on in your life. Hell. I am going to stop giving charity.
You want to be loved, don’t help and don’t do anything for anybody else. They will appreciate you more for that.
When you and your wife visit the sick or show to family Simchas, parties, do you guys get credit?

My advice to any single person. Don't show to family events.
If you do show up, just pop in and say, "I'm only running in to say Mazel Tov." You show up to an event to run out, that's a something. Everybody remembers that. "He came to not be here. That's our successful relative." "What does he do?" "No idea. He never has time to stay. An overachiever. Very proud of him."
You get credit for not being there.

Your advice is appreciated. Should I just stay home? Get people thinking something is going on in my life?
​If you could, please remind my nephew and his parents that I showed to his son's Bris. Also, please remind him I had a conversation with him about me being there.
Next circumcision I go to, I'm taking a lot of selfies. Bris album on my wall. 

LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The rabbi said the Gabai is not allowed to call up relatives for a first birthday party. To quote, "A child turning one is not our problem." Kal VaChomer, even more so, a two-year old’s birthday party.
Your family coming in to celebrate is great. It’s not a Simcha, even if Malkie's parents think it’s important. The shul can care less.
And nobody has to give gifts. We want to make that clear. Don't feel the need to buy the little one something pink.
 
No more dried fruit are allowed in our shul. Tu BShvat was a beautiful holiday last week. However, our congregants do not have the stomach for figs and not salted almonds.
 
The Torah holder has been fixed. They are there now. From now on, following Hagba, the Torah will be able to be placed in the holder.
This is about Kavod and future respect shown to people who are not as weak as Yankel, who can barely lift a Torah cover. We as a congregation want to apologize for giving Hagba last week to Melech Simcha. It was disrespectful. Making him sit there for forty-five minutes. He thought it was a Kavod. That changed very fast. Somebody should’ve done the Torah take away, and handed the Torah to the Galilah guy that nobody respects.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Parents Who Celebrate What Nobody Cares About- How Malkie's Birthday Means Nothing If She Won't Remember It. Tu BShvat Stomach Aches- How Our Congregants Find A Way to Complain Even When They're Not Saying Anything. When Hagba Turns Disrespectful- A Kavod That Turns Into a Forty-Five Minute Ordeal.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 19:4-6) After leaving Egypt and seeing all the miracles, H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. “Now. If you listen, listen, to My voice and guard My covenant, you will be a treasured people from all other nations, because the land belongs to Me. And you will be a princely people. A holy nation.” Listen. Not one of you listens... That's why you're not a treasured congregation. You're a treasured people with a very poor board who wastes a lot of money.
"If you listen." You have to listen... If you don't. You have our congregation. You have our membership. And you have people who don’t know when to stand for the Amidah... Listen. For crying out loud. The one thing you're asked to do as a treasured people. Listen. And I have to deal with a people that has ADD. The Gabai makes the announcement every Shabbis. Every single time. “Page 368”... 

You have to be a holy nation. We are called on to be this. You have to work at it. You do this by listening... I have to repeat this?! Again. I always have to repeat for your guys. Listen. 368. Musaf begins on page 368...

Listening is an action we're called on to do. Mitzvahs are a actions we're called on to do. Renovations is not the action we're called upon to do. And the board has been very good at not finishing them... And losing our money. The shul treasury is gone...

You think I know what a covenant is? I don’t have that good of a vocabulary. A Breet, I understand.

‘Now.” Why now? Why after the miracles? Because you people are impossible to convince. Even once you listen, you start asking questions, like, "Is there really going to be chocolate mousse at Kiddish?"... There isn't. It's just an example. You don't even believe when we have the enhanced Kiddish... I don't know what that means. I think they just enhance the choolante with paprika...
I couldn’t even convince you to get a new awning for the shul.
That’s why H’ has to say listen twice. Has to make sure you're listening, so He doesn't have to waste His time convincing you again. "Listen. You just saw Me split the sea. You saw Me place boils on everybody. I turned water into blood. The sea. I split a sea for crying out loud, and I still don't have your attention. Water from the rock. How about that one. Now are you convinced? Will you listen now? Do I need to get David Copperfield for showmanship?! Like the Manna and quail was not enough?"
You guys don't listen. If this was Simon Says... ​We played Simon Says. He said it and... You argued he didn’t say to touch your toes. You didn’t listen...

Rabbi says listen.
Now. Let’s talk. That's what H' is saying. He finally got their attention after fifteen national miracles and holding a mountain over their heads... No. Listen. I will not repeat this. 
We are going to make a Breet. To work on... OK. Want to call it a covenant. OK. Just listen. No more renovations. You're going to do Mitzvahs right. You're going to wrap Tefillin on your arms... I thought the lace boot was a Tefillin strap...
Rabbi says to listen...

Birthdays for little toddlers is not in the covenant... Breet is covenant. That’s what Bracha says it means. 
Gd did not command us to take pictures of kids that can't place a piece of cake in their mouth. There is not Mitzvah to take a picture of a child that messed up and got frosting all over their face... It's embarrassing. 
Expecting family to come in for a two-year old’s birthday is not fair... It’s not a Bar anything... I know it’s a girl. It’s not a Bat anything. It’s not a Mitzvah. It's you trying to get out of having to pay for onesies... We celebrate twelve, because she'll remember that. She'll be able to listen at that point...

If you would’ve listened and not eaten two pounds of dried figs...
You spent the week after Tu BShvat complaining to H’ that His creation gives you stomach aches. The worst celebration, because you didn’t listen to my advice. Now you’re a constipated people...
If you were Israelis, you would appreciate it. They can handle dried fruit and nuts. They start their toddlers on peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds... This way, they can enjoy Tu BShvat... They’re called Pitzuchim. Israelis celebrate Tu BShvat all year... Because they have the stomach for it...
You are not supporting the JNF by eating dried fruit. There are no dried fruit trees...
I have to convince you of this?! Meredith has been puking for the past week. Now do you believe me?!...
Rabbi says to eat in moderation on Tu BShvat...
​
The rabbi didn't say to give Beshalach Hagba to Melech Simcha...
You got Hagba because the Gabai doesn't like you. It was disrespect. We don’t have our Torah holder. The holes need to be fixed in the holder. It's disrespect... That was rude. Giving it to Melech Simcha. A good guy. Should’ve given the long Hagba Torah hold to Pinny. Melech Simcha is a good guy... Chas vShalom. Bernie can't even hold himself up...
And it was Beshalach last week. That was like five Haftorahs. Boy. That was long. I timed his sitting with the Torah at forty-five minutes.
Didn’t even do the Hagba to Galilah switch. Usually, the Hagba guy bullies the Galilah loser.
Melech Simcha thought he was getting a Kavod, and then he had to sit there for the longest Haftorah... Should've broken that up. The rabbis did that to get back at somebody in Babylonia. And then the Chazin sang. He was doing tunes for Av Harachamim. Who does that?!
The Chazin and the Gabai have to ask Melech Simcha for forgiveness... The rabbi says so...

I have to repeat this?! I said I wouldn't repeat it. You didn't listen again... Don't give Hagba to people you like, until the Torah holder gets fixed. You don't do that to treasured people...

It’s Segulah. Treasure. Not chosen. What is this chosen?... We were chosen yes. To be an Am Segulah. Treasured to listen to Gd and to be hated by everybody. And you never listen... I can't stand you because you don't listen... You were not chosen to not listen. Listen. I will be repeating this sermon. If I ever witness the miracle of you hearing the sermon... The congregation is hard of hearing. Bernie and Merv are aging. Sadie is ninety. If somebody would have told me. I'll talk louder...

So, what does Am Segulah mean? People hate us. That's the translation...
You give somebody Hagba and you make him hold the Torah, they hate you. You get all selfish and give Hagba to Melech Simcha. Now he’s never coming back.
A treasured people to get stomach cramps from dried fruit. A holy people with acid reflux. A treasured people who can't hear and doesn't listen. A princely people...
Treating the two-year-old like a prince. That's annoying. A reason to hate the Feldmans...

Now. Again. Page 368!!!!! Rabbi says turn to page 368.

May we merit to listen and be a holy treasured people... Page 368!!!!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi started a new game called Rabbi Says Listen. The idea is for people to listen to him and not argue. That's the game. He said it's a lot of fun. 
We once had Simon Says. It was pathetic. Simon left mid-game. He yelled, "How can I do this game if nobody listens. Do I hearing test before you bring Simon back." And then he ran. Simon talks about himself in third person. 
It was interesting that Simon was running Simon Says. He felt pegged as a child. Other kids in his class went into tech because their parents named them Alexander and Sandra.

Nobody listens. Gabai announces the Kedusha pages. We have to do it again. Never listen. They never listen. Sermons would be so much quicker if the congregants listened.
I believe I caught the sermon. Segulah. Chosen. Treasured. Hated. Rabbi hates our congregants.

So. Breet means covenant.
The rabbi made a covenant with the congregation that he can't stand them. And they have to listen.

These enhanced Kiddishes add nothing. They enhance the amount of people that show, and then I get less food. So, they add Kugel, and it's gone.

Haven’t finished renovations. We are not good at the actions. We talk about doing stuff, but we don't do. We're very good at talking. We're not good at listening and making things happen. 
The shul is now broke, because they thought the paint job needed to be done by somebody who was from the treasured people. It turns out you have to pay Feivel Moshe more when he paints.
Somebody brought up the idea of using Tim, is not Jewish. That would've been cheaper, but nobody listened. And now we're broke. And that’s why our members didn’t understand how they are part of the treasured nation.

They wanted gifts for Becky’s party. Two years old. The gift is for the Feldmans. What are they going to do with Onesies? Show up to the office in a Onesie. Messed up.
I think they wanted to save on clothes and toys for the little one. Thus, they had a party for the little girl who couldn’t even figure out how to blow out the candles. That was pathetic. We had to sit there for ten minutes trying to explain to her that she has to blow. She burped. That was it.
The rabbi now refuses to announce birthdays. He said, "We have too much to care about. I can't afford another gift." It's messed up. And you can't give used gifts when it's a party. So now, our congregation has an overflow of pink headbands with bows.
Going off on Av Harachamim, the Chazin was rubbing it in, mocking Melech Simcha. He knew Melech Simcha was sitting there, trying to hold the Torah with all of his Kavanah, trying to pretend like people aren’t laughing at him. Such a selfish showoff. The Chazin honestly has no Midot. Here, Melech Simcha is sitting there, looking like an idiot, and the Chazin is putting on a show. I’m just worried Melech Simcha will never be respected by his kids again.
In school, the kids were all talking about how strong their dads were. Melech Simcha’s kids always won, talking about their dad and his Hagba skills. That argument is over. Now Pinny’s kids are like, “My dad did Galilah. Made your dad do Hagba and sit there. Your dad works for my dad.” And Melech Simcha’s kids just sat there. Like their dad. He can’t come back to our shul after that.

Sitting next to Fran, she lets loose even without dried fruit. The dried fruit made it so bad. All of Shabbis, I had to hear it.
I went to sit on the other side of the shul, and people were asking why I moved. I told them, "Tu BShvat. Fran had Tu BShvat."
I hope Tu BShvat goes away by next week. Tu BShvat in our shul is a kind of stomach disease.

Punished with Hagba and no Torah holder. That was rude. They raise his hopes. He thinks he's important. And then everybody's looking at him still sitting there, like him like he's a loser. 
They have you sit there. Just holding the Torah for half hour. Whole time you’re thinking, “I hope it doesn’t drop.” They should just put it back right away. It's a punishment. They sit you in the corner and tell you it's a Mitzvah. They're all going out for schnapps, and you're stuck there holding the Torah with a hangover.

Rabbi started a Simon Says Shiur. The Rabbi Says Listen. He told them to follow in the Chumash. Not one person did it. He had to kick everybody out.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Chabad spreading Mitzvahs like Tefillin, community give food to the needy, all while not being sure if all the graves on the highway in Tiveria are of Tzadikim, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him wishing he had his nephew's toy car.

And we want to thank David for his extremely long captions. To quote David, "A picture is only a thousand words if you write them."

These questions were asked at my Seder last night from first time Tu BShvat Seder attendees who were confused it wasn't a Pesach. 
We had a lot of questions at our Tu BShvat Seder. People heard Seder and they thought they’re supposed to interrupt. Here are some of the questions they asked at our Tu BShvat Seder when I was trying to move past the dried apricots portion. We had already connected to Gd through Mishmish.

What happened to only having one Seder?
Why did the Jews leaving Egypt only have one Seder, until the Kabbalists came along?
Isn’t the Pesach Seder long enough?
Did Gd split a date tree too?
We live in Rochester. Is there another Seder tomorrow night too?
Why do we only tell the date joke this night?
Why do people repeat the date joke about getting dates more than once on this night, when on all other nights date puns are annoying?
Why are dates hurting my stomach?
Why are we using plastic dishes and plastic cups for our Seder?
How does plastic dishes on a plastic tablecloth celebrate trees?
Is there anything that is not plastic here to celebrate the earth?
Where does plastic grow?
Why are children not asking questions?
Why have four questions just come from a twenty-eight-year-old? Does she not know where plastic grows?
Where are the kids?
Why didn’t anybody tell me that Seders are not just for Pesach? I was wondering why we’re celebrating so early.
Should I get my Haggadah? If I would've known, I would've brought my Haggadah.
Why do you think I spent twelve hours cleaning for Tu BShvat?
Why did I make my house Kosher for Tu BShvat and throw out all my meat and dairy products if I didn’t have to?
Why didn’t you tell me there was no commandment to burn all non-vegetarian food?
If it’s a Jewish holiday, shouldn’t we at least have Tam Tams?
Were we slaves to dried fruit?
Did the Jews in Egypt also get stomach cramps from dried apricots?
Thank you for leaving the four cups of wine in. Is wine what makes it a Seder?
​Why is it on this night that we have a Seder with no brisket?
And where are the Tam Tams? I miss those things on Pesach. 
Why do Tam Tams look like Matzah, but they're not Matzah?
Why is wine the only part of the Seder that is similar to the Passover Seder?
Was this Seder an excuse to drink?
Is that why the Arizal came up with this Seder?
Why did he not just drink and call it a Farbregen? That sounds like a religious thing.
Then why are we drinking four cups of wine? 
If this is Pesach, we're eating too many legumes?
Is this Pesach? I'm still confused.
We didn't do the apricot portion of the Seder last Pesach. Did we still fulfill the telling of the story of leaving Egypt?
Why on this night is the salt not in water?
Why on this night are all nuts not salted?
What happened to salted almonds and cashews?
Why do I like salted nuts?
Why did you not serve those?
Why do almonds not taste that great without salt?
What is a Mishmish?
I'm very confused already. Why do I have to learn Hebrew names of vegetation now?
Why did nobody answer any of my questions get answered?

That last question didn't get answered either. They also didn't explain that this isn't a Pesach Seder, and we don't encourage questions when we're focused on eating dried figs.

Announcements
All Minyins will be in shul. Even when it’s snowing outside. The rabbi says Zoom is not considered a location. And thus, we cannot have a Minyin there, even if Rebecca says so. To quote, "The cyber universe is not a place, even if there are cyber planets within. The Torah was not given to the cyber people. Thus, we will not be having Zoom Minyins. To note, we also don't count bots for a Minyin."
 
Due to Rebecca, the rabbi has Asured the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah WhatsApp group. To quote, “Our congregants are idiots.” It is also forbidden to post on any community thread about Jewish stuff until you check with the rabbi that it is Jewish stuff. 
 
Everybody is still getting used to Harold’s mustache. We want to commend Harold on not giving up and keeping the thing. We have counted, and there have been upwards of twelve-hundred comments about how that thing looks like an animal on his face.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Counts for a Minyin- How Missing Shul and Turning on Your Computer Was Not Commanded in The Torah. Why Nobody Should Listen to Rebecca- How Your Opinions Aren't Jewish. Harold’s Mustache- A Study in Awkward Hair Growth on His Face in Halacha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
My friend asked me if they sang in Israel this week. And of course they did. The final hostage is home, and a song of unity...
Yes. They asked Moshe if there weren’t enough graves in Egypt... We have graves here in Topeka. There are graves everywhere. I don't know if the Jews thought that the rest of the world had no graves.... Yes. They were being sarcastic. Anything in question that doesn't have a question mark is sarcasm. Do I enjoy being here... Do I enjoy answering that question. Bad grammar is sarcasm... 
My friend's question was a real one. And they sung Acheinu...

(Shemot 14:24) The Egyptians said, “Let us flee from the Israelites, for Gd is fighting for them against Mitzrayim.” Not a fair fight. I know... Why does it have to be fair? The question is what is right. It's not fair that I have to deal with your questions. Your dumb questions, and they're not even sarcastic. And your off tune singing. It's not fair...
If H' is stepping in, maybe you step down. You let don't let your ego get in the way. Even the Egyptians knew when to stop. You disband the board... And they didn't stop and they went in the sea and died. Like our membership, who has killed fun and connection to Gd...

(Shemot 15:1) “Then Moshe and the children of Israel sang.” “Then.” Were they not singing before?... No, they weren’t. Pessy. They were suffering enough. They didn’t have to hear congregants singing too. The worst voices in this place... I am thinking we should skip Kedusha... It’s not OK to skip Kedusha Rebecca. There she goes again. I am talking about having to hear you sing Kedusha. Our shul should just say stuff. No singing. Put the Torah back in the Aron and say Etz Chayim Hi...

(Shemot 15:21) Miriam tells the women, “Sing to God for He is most exalted; horse and rider He cast into the sea.” She didn’t look to the men of our shul to help out... Because that’s not redemption. That would be a curse. She wasn't trying to make things sound worse. She was trying to drowned out the men. If they sounded anything like the back left during Kedusha...
When we overcome. We sing. When it’s over. When we feel that pure connection to Gd. Not tainted by the enemy or bad harmony. We can sing. We are now free... We are free because I don't hear any of our members singing right now...
They sang. They didn’t ask questions about graves then. Moshe didn’t have to deal with questions for a day... And he sang too. He had freedom for a day. Yes. Moshe had an excellent voice when he sang. He wasn't a great talker. But his singing voice. Great range...
Miriam’s song was responsive. Because women sing better than men. They know how to listen before they harmonize, unlike the men at our Minyin...
Ran Gvili is back. Our nation can sing today...

You all want fairness and equality. Not one of you want moral. Like the Mitzrim. You follow your feelings. Blasphemous feelings about Zoom Minyins... Even your Minyins aren't from Gd. How can you do a Minyin and still be anti-Gd... Rebbeca. Exactly. That’s how you end up in the sea. Are there moral people here... That was sarcastic... The question is when will there be truth. When we're not clouded by darkness and we can see Gd, we can sing...

We can’t sing on Zoom. There is a lag. It doesn’t work. The harmony is worse than shul. I didn't think that was possible...
So now snow ended Yiddishkeit? Is that what I’m seeing on the group chat?!
Minyin has to be at shul... Why is Rebecca on the thread anyways?! It’s a Minyin thread and... You don’t count for Minyin either Rebecca. Even if you suggest it...
Rebecca. You also suggested to drive on Shabbis. And then you suggested that men and women sit together. Do you not know this is an Orthodox shul... I understand there are a lot of heretics here. But we follow Halacha. The congregants don’t. But the shul does. It's a Halachik shul of people who don't follow Halacha. And that is why we have the board making decisions... That was sarcastic, and it wasn't even a question...
To quote the rabbi emeritus, "Until Zoom costs three million dollars, and Sadie Feinberg dedicates it, it's not a place to Daven. When Zoom has a board, you can make the decision then..." 
You can see Gd when it's snowing...
​
No more groups. No more community groups. No more social media... We are going to learn Torah from Sefers. From books... Because when you do something online, the next thing you know, our sanctuary is in somebody’s living room. And we’re having Minyin while Shloimi’s wife is telling him to take out the trash. Because Rebecca suggested it... If we could get Shloimi to take out the garbage before Minyin, maybe we could think of having a Zoom service... Services are not Minyins. They're prayers for not religious people...
The lesson. Never listen to congregants.

The one thing people should listen to is congregants’ comments on Harold’s mustache...
I commend Harold. Kol Hakavod. I wouldn’t be able to grow one of those. I don’t think I could weather an eight-month storm of comments about my face. I'm going to keep the beard... Because nobody comments on beards. They just say, “I didn’t know you had that.” They don’t say, “Are you living in the ‘70s?” “You’re like Tom Sellek if women were not attracted to him.” “Did a gerbil die on your face."
I'm not shaving my beard. The double chin...
If Rebecca said “you shouldn’t come to shul looking like Harold” OK.

Rashi teaches Az Yashir, “Then, when he (Moshe) saw the miracle, it entered his mind that he should sing... And he sang.”
You have to see the miracle. I see a miracle when I have congregants that think Zoom is a place... It would be a miracle if Zoom was a shul... Because it's impossible, Rebecca. Like it's COVID... You won't catch COVID from Bernie. You'll catch an annoying conversation and bad jokes. If you come to shul, you'll catch a lot of really bad voices...
The crazy thing is they’ve been singing in Israel even when dealing with our enemies. "Am Yisrael Chai." That’s how strong our nation is now. We sing when being chased. Because we are in Israel. Once you’re in Israel, you are free... Stuff is very expensive. But you’re free. Why I had to answer that.
They sing all the time. We are living in the "then." We are past Zoom. And they complain about the price of cottage cheese...
You people should never sing. You’re not in Israel. There is antisemitism. And you have bad voices. And you can’t harmonize...

(Shemot 15:26) “If you listen to Gd’s voice...” Gd's voice is beautiful. The reason you people get sick is you’re a bunch of sinners. And you sing bad... And you complain...

Oh. After the song and the miracle, the Jews complained right away... Why. Because they couldn’t find a decent water filter. Is that not like our sisterhood...
I understand Miriam led the women in song… No, Rebecca. Women cannot lead services. We are an Orthodox shul. And Miram was Orthodox…

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi turned that singing lesson around real fast. I think he manipulated what we learn from the splitting of the Sea because he didn't want to hear us sing.
The rabbi complaining about us singing is tantamount to the Jews complaining about dying in the desert. That's the main lesson of this week's Drasha.

Our congregants connected to the Jews complaining at the bitter waters, right after the Egyptians drowned. They complained right after the sermon.

I'm getting the feeling the rabbi’s whole sermon was sarcastic.
Maybe not the whole sermon. The not singing was straightforward. How bad we sound wasn’t sarcastic, until he asked Merv if he would like to lead Adon Olam. Suggesting Merv sing anything and it not being painful is sarcasm.

"'Then.' Were they not singing before." That delivery. Perfect sermon delivery. Only our rabbi. So brilliant.
He asked that question without a question mark. But it was not sarcastic, which was confusing. All the congregants could talk about during Kiddish was which stuff was sarcastic. What was a real question or a sarcastic one. I don't think they heard anything else during the Drasha. Just questions without question marks. They couldn't figure any of it out.
And that is where it gets hard for our Rav. If you have a brilliant rabbi and fools for congregants, the sermon doesn't get heard.

Ran Gvili being home. Buried in Israel. It means everything to our people.

We never see the rabbi emeritus. Yet, the rabbi quotes him all the time. Whenever the rabbi wants to say something and doesn't want an argument from the board, he quotes this rabbi emeritus. I don't think he exists.

Rebecca is a fool. It’s complicated when you have to explain to the MInyin what a Minyin does.
I think the rabbi likes the members that don’t keep Halacha more than the members that are Shomer Shabbis. However, when the nonShomer Shabbis members show up to shul, he likes them less. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like seeing anybody at shul. If they don't show to shul, he loves them. If they're Shomer Shabbis and don't come to shul, he loves them.
Point is shul is the place where the Minyin meets. Not Zoom. And not Michael's game room. He thought it would be good to have Shacharit and billiards. Everything to these people is a program.

I am very for no more WhatsApp group lists. This way I don’t have to show up to anything, and nobody can blame me. I can just say, "Nobody reminded me.”
With all the group reminders, you have to show. If you have an excuse, you can get out of it. But I haven't figured out how to use my lack of wanting to see the people during the week too as an excuse yet. I've tried telling them I don't like seeing them on Shabbis.
The rabbi is right. Congregants should not be allowed to post ideas on social media without his approval. I listened to a congregant say that, because of that impossible to open renovated door, to get into shul we have to go through a different door. I ended up in the Mikvah. Not one of them said, "We should fix the door." That's a post that would've made sense.

The shul gave an award to Harold for not giving up. The Persistence Award in the Face of Looking Like an Idiot. He kept the mustache. Listened to nobody. And now he looks like an idiot.
The rabbi is definitely self-conscious about his double chin. You can see it through the beard.

After dealing with all the congregants and hearing them complain again, the rabbi had second thoughts on turning our shul not Orthodox and having services on Zoom. As the rabbi said, "You can't have a Minyin on Zoom. You can have services on Zoom, because not religious Jews have services."
I can see the rabbi giving into Rebecca if she pays extra money. The rabbi would lead a Zoom service if he got a raise. He would be fine leading a service. He would turn off the video, sit in bed with his long johns.
Watch this, next week he's going to start Zoom classes. Once he realizes he doesn't have to see the congregants in person, he's going to love it. He'll find a way to do everything on Zoom. He'll bring COVID back.

Here are some of my one-liners from the classic "Aliyah Monologues" show.

Aliyah - Moving to Israel
Aliyah isn't for Americans. Aliyah is for people from third world countries and France.
I made Aliyah. I figured, I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I can move to South Florida and live with Israelis.
Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. (At least the Zionist ones.)
I was in Rochester and Kodak was closing. I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. (I know my history.)

Living in Israel
I went to Ulpan six months. I learned Hufal. (Exactly. I've never heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hufal. If you were Israeli, you would be on the floor, laughing right now. Hufaltem.)
I finally learned what Nahag means. I used to think Nahag was something you're supposed to scream when a door closes on you. (It's the guy who closes it on you. You have to know Hebrew to understand these English one-liners.)
In Tel Aviv, the guy was bragging, "Tel Aviv is New York." I told him, "New York is very different. I was in New York, and I was able to find Kosher food." (I also let him know that I didn't have to tell the people in New York that underwear is not a swimsuit. Then he started showing me the skyscrapers. "Look. Five stories.")
Can't get into the post office. Everything's a holiday. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi'i. (My friend might fed me that joke. Let me explain. "They have Israeli Independence Day. Jerusalem Day. Wednesday." Wednesday is not a holiday, but they celebrate it. They also don't work on Wednesdays.)
I saw a dead dog on the side of the road. I was thinking, "It's such a shame that's not a cat."

Religion Everywhere
Jerusalem even has the Biblical zoo with all the Biblical animals like penguins.
In Jerusalem we are very religious. We have the belief that everything is in the hands of Gd. People who don't believe that, work. (They have jobs. We have belief in Gd. Emunah. Sarcasm.)
In Meah Shearim. The way they cross the street, you can see they have a lot of Emunah. (That’s faith in Gd.)

Single and Religious
Segulot, positive omens. They go to the Kotel for forty days straight. That's how they're going to meet their husband. I have a better idea. Try going to the gym for forty days straight. (And I am still single. I should've never told that joke. Some things are better kept to yourself.)
They go up north for the Segulah to meet somebody, to the Kever of Yonatan Ben Uziel. Walk around his grave seven times. The guy is dead and he's doing better than me. (When you have to explain, one-liners take longer.)
These Frum girls. When they go out with me, everytime, "I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys. Starting now." (They want it to be meaningful. Then they tell me about all the other guys they had meaningless relationships with, which were fun.)

War
I respect the soldiers. All doing the army. What they do for a free bus pass. (I just lie about my age. In some of these communities, you can pass for twelve with a beard.)
As an Oleh, an immigrant to Israel, I ran into an Israeli when I was visiting America. I asked him, "If there was a war in Israel, what would you do?" He said, "I would go right back to my homeland to be with my people." I told him, "If there was a war in Israel, I like to think I would do the same exact thing." (Sometimes you have to extend a one-liner for the meaning.)
The way our people came together after October 7th. I have never seen a whole nation come together as our people did, to complain about the cost of ELAL. (Flights are too expensive. Price gouging is the real issue.)
I pray for the day again, where I can cut off a Jew on Highway 1 and not feel bad.
Visiting Israel my friends are worried. "What about all the bombings, shootings, stabbings?" Then I left New York. (David Rubin shared this at Kiddish. I'm happy I showed up to shul that day.)

I hope you connect now to the Holy Land. Maybe you’ll move there and buy a house in Ohio, where they’re affordable.

Got this sad video game for Chanukah. It needed a gaming console. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Console. Gaming console. To console the console. Console and console sound very different. Same word but sounds very different. Which is why this pun is best delivered in a letter. Games have feelings too. They just sound different.
 
She got so much money for Chanukah. She felt so Gelty. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Gelt is money. Guilty. Here it’s Gelty. Guilty about Gelt. Gelty pockets are heavy. Something meaningful to that statement. It should be a saying. If it wasn't it is now. And it's very true if it's coins. Chocolate Gelty pockets can get very messy. Check that out. Another saying.

It seemed like the paper heard everything. It was a flyer on the wall. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fly on the wall. Flyer on the wall. We added the “er." Shuls have flyers, so it's a Jewish pun.

Yosef saw Yaakov switch his right hand to Efraim, and he started thinking the Bracha about children propagating was kind of fishy. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He said they should “propagate like fish.” Fish. Fishy. Fishy means suspicious. There’s something fishy about this pun. Especially, Yaakov switching his hands. In order to understand a pun, you should have a decent knowledge of the Torah.

That store city Pitom went up real fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Pitom means “suddenly” in Hebrew. The name of the city the Jews built. The Jews built it real fast because the Egyptians were burdening them. The Jews suffered with it. Lisbol Sivlotam. Chinuch. And that is why you probably shouldn't be laughing at this pun. Some puns are serious. They're supposed to remind you of slavery.
Shoreshes, roots of Hebrew words, are great for puns. Sometimes the pun is the exact meaning of the word. Which begs the question if it’s funny or not. It’s up to you if you want to laugh, or if you want it to be meaningful. I’m not going to judge you all the sudden. Maybe you have a dark sense of punner.

The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. An event with two activities.

The Talmid developed another birth mark, and the rebbe said, “Nach a Mol.” (Mordechai)
You get it? Nach a Mol means “still one time.” This hear means “another mole.” You just have to work some English into the Yiddish there, and it works.

​***Note: We learned a lot from the puns these past couple months. You will definitely think twice before laughing the next time you hear a pun. We just suggest here at the Kibbitzer that you think about the Shoresh and the puns effect on the Jewish people before you laugh. 

Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.”
 
The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews.
They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin.
 
We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it.

(Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.”
All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another...
This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk...

Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie.
How about renewing my contract. A raise...

Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time.  As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting.
I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too...
When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida...
When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself...
And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul.
And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for...

Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week.
BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you...
Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice...
You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking...

Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again...
The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva.
Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed...
Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!!

You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying...
It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?!
After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids...
And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore...
It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau...

I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing...
Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!...
So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean...
It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul...

The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran...
The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow...

(Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation...
A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door...
I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing.
The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy...

You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them...
The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions.
Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here.
We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope...

And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests...
Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing...
Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it.
It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... 

We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything.
Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff.

Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom...

What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. 
And it's great to have the youth here.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia.

Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing.
You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code.

With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people.

The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more.
The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik.

When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher.

Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend.
The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination."
And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants.

The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka.
The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him.

They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft.
You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker.

The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up."
Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left.

But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation.

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. 

How did the Gishmack Chassidic Minyin experience in Miami Beach end up. Last time we spoke of Streimels and my inability to pronounce them correctly. I sound too American to be Frum. What happened next.

One Guy Welcomed Me
One of the kind men came over to say "Vos Machstu." I answered, and he realized he was dealing with somebody that has a disability.
He was doing Kiruv. Either that, or he was just a kind man, or he was being nice to a nonJew that was wearing Tefillin. Whatever it was, he disrupted Davening.
There were other very nice people too. But they had too much Kavanah to say Hi. Come to think of it, that guy that welcomed me wasn't focusing on Davening. Not a very good Jew.

Torah Reading Was Different
I didn't understand Layning. I think they were Layning in Yiddish too. It must've been. To understand the Torah reading, I had to use the Hebrew as a translation.​

They Have Different Zmanim
I thought Shkiah was at sundown. It turns out it's forty minutes after that. Chassidim have longer days. Clocks read differently in Yiddish.
If you enjoy Shabbis, this is good stuff. You can get an extra few hours of Shabbis just in the morning hours.

One of Them Was A Rebbe
They were all rabbis. One was a rebbe. I know that now, because he was old. And he had a hunch in his back. Which means he learned a lot of Torah. And they followed him when he walked. That's when you know you're a holy person, when people follow you.
I was walking pretty fast to get to Minyin, and I cut in front of somebody walking very slow. That was a mistake. At the time, I was not aware of the Chassidic traffic patterns of Miami Beach. Now I know to walk slow. Just walk at a leisurely pace, behind people. Follow them and you'll be fine. The idea is to stalk the rebbe.
The rebbe truly slowed up traffic. There were a good thirty Chassidim behind him, waiting for him to go into the shul, so they could pick up the pace and get home.
As the rebbe walked into the shul, one Chassid said, "Now I'm late for work again."
Some walk fast. Some walk slow. Some walk behind the rebbe. Some take a car. But they're all Chassidim. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme I bring you.

There Were Women
There were women there. I didn't see them. They weren’t in shul. There is no way there were no women. Even Uman gets women.
After Davening, I realized the women were at the beach. Some of the women were in their swim trunks. Some in their Sheitel. Some were sunbathing. Some adjusting their Tichel. But they were all not at shul. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme. I just came up with that one and translated it as I wrote it.
Side note: Chassidic single weekends are not the right place to meet the ladies. 

They Will Ask for Money
People were asking for money. But not on Shabbis. So, you might want to skip Sunday morning Minyin. Save a couple of bucks.
It’s hard to choose who to give to. There were twelve guys collecting for something. I don't know what's for what. You see, I'm already talking as a good Chassid. "What's for what." That just sounds Yiddish.

And that's my experience as the eleventh man at the Minyin. A beautiful weekend with my Chassidic brethren, and I'm sure there were some sisteren there. Somewhere. They must've been there. 
​At least I came out sounding more Jewish.
​
I give you this rundown so that you can learn from it. And you can act Frum the next time you're going to the beach to check out the ladies.
I still have no idea what Chassidic sect they're from. I asked them, but I think they answered me in Yiddish. I didn't understand. I was amazed the rebbe felt it was important that his Chassidim be near South Beach.
I didn't expect to see that Minyin right off the beach. Men in bathing suits with a Streimel. B"H, I did not see that.
 
Some sunbathe in Israel. Some sunbath in Florida. Some are name Michel. Some are named Devorah. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme for you.

Announcements
We ask our congregants to calm down with their Shtenders. We cannot have everybody bringing their own Shtenders. The uniformed look of our shul has brought down the value of our sanctuary. We don’t feel it has helped with the renovation process.
 
Stuff is happening this week. There is weekday Davening. Then there will be Shabbis. And Shalishudis. There will be Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Probably weddings. And Classes Happen. You should show up.
 
The rabbi is now allowing people to post Simcha pictures, as annoying as your family looks. Rule: All pictures must have club style pull up signs.
The rabbi does want everybody to know that your social media pictures are still annoying.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How a Shul Can Waste Millions on Renovations and Still Have Every Congregant Show They Disagree with What They Agreed On- A Shtender Protest and A Halachik Look into Community Decisions. Our Shul’s Announcements and How to Make Announcements Like Our Board Who Gives No Details- Vagueness and Why Nobody Shows Up When They Don't Know What Is Happening. Follow-up Class- Dealing with Idiots. How Congregants Can Be More Annoying When You See Their Pictures on Instagram.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When your snake staff gets eaten by somebody else’s snake staff, you listen. That's a life truth. A credo...
Paroh was stubborn like the people of our shul who think it’s important to post their family vacation pics. Being happier than everybody else’s families... Nobody cares about the Simchovitz family Florida trip...
(Shemot 7:22) Paroh sees that his necromancers do their thing and also turn water to blood, like Aharon just did. “And Paroh’s heart is made strong and he does not listen to them...” "Them" is Moshe and Ahron. It was not Yanky and Rachel. If Paroh had to listen to our board, Paroh would’ve let our congregants leave. He would’ve thanked H’ for getting rid of our members.

When we think we can do stuff, we choose not to see H’. Yes. Many of us can ruin water. I have been to many of our congregants for Shabbat dinner. You can ruin that too... Very bad Kugels.

See Gd. That's the message. See Gd and you won't mess up everything in our shul... Nobody wants to see the Simchovitz family vacation in swimsuits. Even necromancers couldn’t create something that horrific. If there was blood in the water at the Bahamas. If we were just so lucky that you couldn’t go into the water on your vacation...
That’s what he saw. You see what you want to see. This is why Sadie loves this shul. She can’t see the bad. That’s her shortcoming... How his sorcerers change the water to blood when the water was already changed to blood, I don’t know. That’s what he saw. That’s what he chose to see.
I choose to not see the Simchovitz family vacation picture. And that helps me see Gd better.

We have to choose to see that we can't do sometimes. That H' is doing... Because when you think you can do stuff, we end up with members. Committees. Bernie and Fran.
See stuff for what it is. See H’ in what is. And see how our congregants mess it up.

Let’s see the Shtenders. This is the most ununiform congregation. Like Ramot Polin. The ugliest thing I've ever seen... Because I see the Shtenders.
Chairs are in their spots, like the renovations called for. But now we have Shtenders everywhere. Different Shtenders. They would’ve never done this in the Temple... Shtenders are great for a Beit Midrash. We’re talking about a shul where people can’t read Rashi.
Now with your Shtenders, shul capacity is down from 200 to 80 people... In the Third Beit Hamikdash they will not allow Shtenders... The Kotel is different. You can have Shtenders at an open shul... If you would've had stackable plastic chairs in the sanctuary plans, like the Kotel, Shtenders would make sense... Keter chairs do not cost five hundred dollars apiece.
The construction team didn't take into account Yankel's Shtender with the wood and the metal piece. They didn't take into account all of your Bar Mitzvah gifts, Yankel... Why didn't you bring it up at the meeting. "We need a bunch of chairs that cost five hundred dollars each, and Shtenders that come with the chairs for an extra two hundred dollars. And then I'm going to bring my own Shtender..."
Shmuli Pinchas didn't bring up his six-foot tall Shtender either... You're the only person who looks up at his Shtender... Nobody can see the Aron over your Shtender. Because of your Shtender, you can't see Gd in this shul...

Show up to what? There are no specifics and no times. We saw nothing in the announcements other than "stuff is happening."
We want to thank our office for being very not specific with the announcements... I don’t know when Minyin is either. The board is fine with just putting it out there that there’s Minyin... The announcements say "Minyin. They will happen at some point. Probably at another shul."
We all see it. We don't need a committee meeting. We need normal announcements that tell you things. Announcements need to tell you where stuff is... When is also important. Very good Chaim...

H' doesn't want to see your family pictures. It's like a plague of not happy families... There is no way that teenage girl of yours was happy. She smiled because... That was not a smile. There is no way she was smiling. It was a smile but not a smile...
Your family celebrating brings no Simcha to anybody. You look like a bunch of losers. But if you want to post your sideways standing pictures, we will allow it... Your family is heavy. The forty-five-degree angle didn’t help. Nor did the buttoning of the suit jackets. They were portly jackets. Your jackets were fat...
Retractable banners make it clear that it’s a Simcha. When we see “Chani and Moishie’s Birthday Bash” we know it’s Asur. Birthdays are not Simchas. Nobody cares about Chani getting older... We have to see things that are godly. Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, Bar Mitzvahs, Brises, kids leaving for college... We as a community celebrate that.
I’m allowing it only if its Simchas. But your pictures on social media are annoying...

You choose to see or not to see. I choose to not see the back left of the shul. Can't stand them...

(Shemot 7:22) Paroh didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon “as H’ had spoken.” When you don't see H's work, you don't listen to His word. Everybody in the back left, listen to me... H’ knows the ways of the evil. The "it's my Shtender generation."
Might have Shtenders. That's a good creation. But it's not H's way. H's way is sharing. Do you share your Shtender, or is it yours. Is it all about your power?!

And Paroh’s heart is made strong. A strong heart is good when you’re a congregant who doesn’t do stupid stuff. A strong heart is good when you need to run a marathon. A strong heart is good for pumping blood...
Paroh had a stubborn heart. That was his strong heart. It was hardened. Evil. Like the heart of the Shtender mob... That is evil. Like the board.
The hardened heart causes one to not to listen to the sermon. To the words of your rabbi... Don’t let your Bar Mitzvah harden your heart. Even if the pictures are messed up. Find that smile. That godly smile.
See H' and show up to Minyin. Whenever that is. No one would know because the board doesn't have the heart to allow us to see the times...

If your hearts weren't hardened by the board, you would have not wasted money on chairs. You would've went with Keter plastic chairs. And nobody would've posted the Simchovitz family pictures online. Forcing us to see that...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi and Simchovitz family got in a debate about what is actually smiling. The rabbi contends that if you smile because your parents make you, it's not a smile. "You have to smile from within." The Simchovitzs contend that you can't see a smile from within, "as the mouth is on the face, on the outside." I contend, I don't need to see the Simchovitzs smiling in their bathing suits.
The whole Kiddish, the members were discussing the philosophy of smiling. And not one of them smiled. It turns out that our congregants only smile for pictures. It's a quick reflex. They hear "cheese," they smile by accident, realize they smiled, and then stop.
I feel like families smiling and posting it is a way to rub their vacations in your face. Their Yeshiva week trips. It's also a chance for annoying people, that think the Simchovitzs have money, to tell them they all look "so good." I don't see it. H' doesn't see it. H' sees the smile within, and how annoying teenagers are, and how the Simchovitzs have to join a gym.

The rabbi truly defined the people with the "it's my Shtender generation." Perfectly defines our children. Especially when they get back from Israel. Selfish.

Shmuli Pinchas' Shtender is taller than the Bima. It's messed up. He's got this Shtender ego. Carries it around with that Shtender pride. Parading the gold writing on brown and navy-blue book covers.
The Shtenders look awful. Everybody brings in their own style of Shtender.
We got standing ones. We got the ones that open up from flat to a simple angle. We have the robotic Shtenders with five positions, so people never have to bend.
So, they spent two million on the shul renovations, and everybody decided to bring in their own lawn chairs. That’s what it looks like.

Announcements never announce Shabbat times. This is why nobody shows up for Minyin when it starts. They never tell us when Rosh Chodesh is. Which isn't the worst thing. You save on Hallel and Musaf. That cuts twenty minutes off Davening. They never announce holiday times. Or even weekday Zmanim.
The announcements focus on Sadie’s new hat she bought last week.
We don’t even know who’s getting married. Or if there is a Bar Mitzvah. I forgot to wish the Kallah a Mazel Tov last week. Had no idea she got married. I thank them for not announcing it. I saved on that gift. The problem with pregnancies is it's hard to avoid not knowing.
The real problem is, our idiot members don't get Jewish calendars. The funeral home doesn't feel our membership is wealthy enough to waste their time on, by giving us calendars to mark our planned deaths in. I think that's why they give the calendars, so you can think about what day you want to die.
I hate to say it, we need a calendar committee.

The rabbi said no pictures last week. But now he allowed Simcha pictures back into the community.
Social media pictures are still annoying. So, you can only gloat and put your Simcha pictures on Instagram or Facebook. You can put them on LinkedIn as well, but you'll probably lose your job for looking like a fool.  
The rabbi came up with Simcha stipulations for pictures. And this is what the picture committee came up with. Basic rule is that if the whole family is turned sideways, it’s a legitimate Simcha picture and can be taken.
Everybody in our shul has been standing sideways now. Some even walk sideways, just in case somebody gets a good inaction shot. It’s a loophole for Mutar social media posting.
Now, some are carrying pull up retractable banners. They have pull ups with Caribbean background scenes now. Wherever they go, they have a Caribbean background. They took a picture in the mall, in front of the Apple store, with the Caribbean in the background. They were at the waterpark. Pulled out the banner. Edwin's first baseball game, they pulled out the Caribbean pull up. 
The sideways standing truly doesn't work. They all look heavier with that side shot of the heavy. And then the suits make it look worse. Portly just makes everybody look fatter. I left that out. The other stipulation is you need to be wearing a suit or an evening gown. That suit made Edwin's first baseball game, at six years old, a bit awkward.

They are now known as the Simchovitz pictures. An episode our congregation does not want to remember. The rabbi is right. Those vacation pictures are evil. They're a plague. A plague of horror to those who see it.

People didn't show to the classes this week. The topics were way too long. The congregants didn't know if those were the names of the class or if the rabbi was making a statement of anger. They also didn't know when the classes were. The announcements didn't say.

I thought I knew about Yiddishkeit. Then I ended up at a Chassidic Minyin in Miami Beach. I need to learn Yiddish. I had no idea what was going on. Here is my experience of being with my Chassidic friends at Miami Beach for the weekend, and some advice, just in case you end up at a Minyin and they count you as the eleventh. 

They Definitely Questioned My Being Jewish
They were questioning my Jewishness on Friday morning, and they were quite amazed I could read Hebrew. I looked like a Goy, sitting there with my Kippah, Tallis and Tefillin. I think the Minyin counted me as the eleventh guy. And rightfully. I don't know Yiddish.
They counted "Hosheea Et Amecha," finished the ten count of "Ad Olam," and then I heard "Nafsheynu." I believe I was Nafsheynu. First time I ever heard that.

​Learn Yiddish
I couldn't understand a word. I know Shacharit. I've been Davening my whole life. By the way, if you want to not sound like an idiot, it's Shacharis. The fact that I asked them if they were doing "Shacharit," rightfully excluded me from the Minyin.
They were Davening in Yiddish. There is no other way to explain it. There is no other way I can rationalize me not understanding the word "Barchu."

Davening is Different But the Same
That Baruch She'Amar caught me off guard. I was already at Ashrei.
It turns out they were doing a different form of Ashkenazi Davening, called Sefardi. Sefard Ashkenazi Davening. That's confusing. Sefardic Davening, but Ashkenazik. The one thing that I can tell you is they didn't sound like the guys at the Sefardic Minyin I Daven with in Israel. It sounded more like Sefardic Jews praying in Yiddish. And I've never met the Sefardic Jewish community whose ancestors hail from Medzhybizh.
​
It Takes Longer in Yiddish
Davening took longer. I was not ready for this thing they call Kavanah. I was ready to go home fifteen minutes ago. They were somehow in the middle of Shema still. The Shema prayer takes longer in Yiddish. I was not aware of that.
Show up late. That's the key. If you show up a half hour late, you'll be out on time.

Don't Judge a Jew by his Streimel
I was enamored by the Streimels. The whole Shabbis Davening, I was comparing Streimels. Trying to figure out which one costs more. With my intent focus on the Streimels some of the Chassidim thought I had Kavanah.
There are different kinds of Streimels. Some are taller, some are shorter, some are wider, some are thinner. But they are all Jews. That's a nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.
It took me a while to not judge the person based on their Streimel. And I hope that after a while of them realizing that I read Hebrew like an American Apikores, they would see me as a Jew. And I realized, I was wearing an inner Streimel, also known as my Kippah. And I was proud of my Mitnaged roots. By being a Litvak, I saved eight thousand dollars.

A Streimel with White Hair
One guy's Streimel had some white hairs in it. That was a shocker. I thought all Streimels had brown hair. Nope. After many days of long Davening and paying off the mortgage, Streimels can change color. Another guy's Streimel had thinning hair. 
My Streimel was bald. That's what I told them when they were trying to figure out if they could start Mincha on Shabbis afternoon. I told them my Streimel lost all its hair. They understood. They saw my Kippah and figured that I must a not easy home life, and my Streimel lost all its hair. And they counted me as the tenth.
And some wear them differently. There are those who wear them high. Those who wear them low. Those who wear them off to the side. And some who wear them in the snow. But they are all Jews. Another nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.

Different Songs
They are not singing the Shwekey tunes you're used to for Kedusha. They didn't make a point of trying to fit words into "Im Eshkachech" that don't work. Even so, they sing Jewish songs. I know they were Jewish songs, because they all sounded the same. As such, I became a Chassid quite quickly. And I sang that tune. Whatever that tune was.
I didn't know the tune for Shalishudis. But ​I yawned a lot of Nays. I figured that if I yawned and let out some NayNayNays I would fit right in. I got really into the singing. And then one guy turned to me and said, "That's not Yiddish. That's a Hebrew NayNayNay." 

That was a lot of Yiddish for one day. Truth is, I'm now questioning if I'm a good Jew, not knowing Yiddish. I have to learn Yiddish before I go back to Miami Beach. Prove myself. Prove my Frumnessiasity. I at least have to end my Jewish words with more s's. 
We’ll continue next time with more Yiddish. While we try to figure out what Chassidic sect settles on a beach where there are no bungalows. 
One thing I do know. The Streimels do an excellent job of keeping the sun out.

I sat with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It was a very meaningful and potent interview.

Chabad is a huge movement.
Nu.

So. What do you think about your Chasidim?
They went off the deep end.

What do you mean?
This Shluchim thing.
I sent one of them to Omaha. The guy never came back. Now, he's been in Nebraska for a good thirty-five years. He calls himself a Shaliach. Yes. I sent him. I wanted some good Nebraska steak brought back. He never came back. That's how that all started.

What's your favorite song?
I never liked “We Want Mashiach Now.” I always liked that one, “Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach.” It was easier to remember those lyrics.

I like that one too. And then it goes “Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy-yoy”
I forgot that part.

Where do you want to see the next Shluchim?
Somaliland. I always felt bad about Yemen. We still don’t have a Chabad there.

What do you think about Farbregens?
They've gone too far. I was telling my Chassidim we have to spend more time together. They all started drinking.
Now. Every time they get together, they drink. I don't think they remember a word I tell them. They're always Fabregening.

How did it start?
I told them I like Smirnoff. Truth is I like Smirnoff Ice. They heard Smirnoff. Now half of them are addicted to the stuff.

Why is it called a Farbregen?
Farbregen was a vodka two hundred years ago in Moldova. Good stuff.

Is there a Mitzvah to drink alcohol?
No. But I can't tell my Chassidim that.

Why?
I'll lose them. None of them would come to shul.
They'll start going to the clubs. If they can't get their alcohol at shul, they'll end up at the bars.

Why do you wear the hat that way, with the front of it bent all the way down?
It keeps out the sun better.
If you notice it also keeps the bugs from hitting your face.

I see. Was the Tefillin thing your idea?
No. That was Gd's idea.

Who sent out the Shluchim to put Tefillin on everybody?
Not me. I told them Tefillin are good. Next thing you know, they're putting it on people at work. The guy is working the counter at Marshalls and they're putting Tefillin on him. Customers are waiting. Do you know how many people have gotten fired for telling their bosses "the Shaliach said I have to put on Tefillin now"?!
I tried walking to the Kotel. I was attacked by one of my Chassidim. I had to convince him I was Jewish and put on Tefillin. They've got to stop harassing everybody.

They play you on TVs a lot.
Yes. I always wanted to be a star.
That was the one thing I said. "Make sure I get prime time. I want a good spot."

It's always Yiddish.
I know. I always talked in Yiddish. I figured, people like subtitles. 

Where do you rank yourself among the rabbis?
You have to ask my Chavrusa.

Why the dollar bills?
For Tzedakah. I give people money for Tzedakah. So that they can give it to charity.

Then why do all of my friends have the dollar you gave them?
They needed the money.
The dollars also work well in vending machines.

Oh. Very true. How do you see the next few years?
I hope with better deals on Lulavs and Etrogs. They prices are outrageous. When Mashiach comes you'll be able to get Etrogs on sale.

What do you hope for your Chassidim?
To calm down. They're coming up with stuff I never said. If they just understood Yiddish, they would know what I said.

You didn't say you're Mashiach? What did you say?
I'm a Mensch. Menschlich. Be Menschlich. You know, you mumble a bit when you speak Yiddish. That's how you're supposed to speak it. Maybe it came out as Mashiach. I'm not sure. All I know is I meant "Menschlich." You say that fast, it sounds like "Mashiach."

Menshlich. I see what you're saying.
Next thing I know, they're singing "Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach." I love that song. I'm getting into it. And the rest is history.

What are your thoughts on Mashiach?
If my Chassidim would just calm down, he would be here.
They're scaring him away with the Teffilin. They've got to stop attacking people with the Tefillin. They have to be a bit more subtle.
I love that Mashiach song.

What about "Yechi"?
Not as good of a tune. That's how you know I'm not the Messiah.

Do you think you did good?
Yeah. I would say so. My Chassidim make excellent choolante and potato kugel. I get a lot of Nachis from that.

What do you like being called? The Rebbe. Chabad Rebbe. Lubavitcher Rebbe. Rebbe of Lubavitch?
Rebbe of Lubavitch. Or Rebbe from Mykolaiv. Those were the best five years of my life. Not one Chassid bothered me with questions.

Conclusion
That was the Rebbe. I think. It was either the Chabad Rebbe or somebody impersonating him. He was wearing the hat just like the Rebbe.
The interview was in Yiddish. I hope I understood what the Rebbe was saying. He might have said something about all the Shluchim moving to Israel. It was in Yiddish, so I can't say.
Whatever happened, the Rebbe was a Mensch. He was very sweet. Though, he could’ve used a Tic Tac.
I truly have a different view on Chabad now. I'm going to keep the dollar. I had to make the trip to Brooklyn. I need the money. And I'm a collector.

***The interview was done with the help of Shlomo Birkan, who understands Yiddish.