They were picking pumpkins, but ended up catching lagenaria. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lagenaria is a gourd too, but it sounds like a disease. They caught it. The gourd must’ve fallen. Just threw you another pun there. You saw "caught"? Fallen, and caught a disease? Though, lagenaria is not a disease. Education of produce is also important to us here at The Kibbitzer.
 
If you forget Tu BShvat, there’s always Three BShvat. (Mordechai)
You get it? He misunderstood. Tu Bshvat is the 15th of Shevat, which is the New Year of the Trees. Not the 2nd. He thought it meant "two." So he said "Three BShvat." It should be Taz BShvat. Not “three.” "There is always Taz BShvat." That should be the pun.

They put out a movie about an ox that ran over a guy. It was a gory movie. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Oxen gore. Movies can be gore. The Parsha talks of an ox that gores. A horror film about a goring ox is our idea. A Halachikly sound horror film that educates.

In the desert, after they prayed, the Jews hung out at the Tavernacle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Mishkan was the Tabernacle. We took out the “b” and put in a “v.” Tavern. That word is there, in "Tavernacle." Other people went to the MidBar. You get it? Midbar is desert in Hebrew. Bar. "Bar" is part of the word. (Mordechai said he goes to the MidBar- each pun artist drinks at their own place)
 
What’s a cat’s favorite holiday? Purr-im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Cats purr. The beginning of Purim is “Pur.” We added an extra “r” to make the pun work. We don’t know what to do with the “im” part. But the pur is there. Puns are meant to be meaningful, even if you don't finish them.

What do you call Purim pastry somebody sat on? Hamentushin. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s Hamentashin. But the guy sat on it, so it’s “tushin.” Tush jokes are great.
 
I want to open a petting zoo for miniature llamas. Lama Lo. (Mordechai)
You get it? Llamas. Lama means "why" in Hebrew. Lama Lo means "why not." Brilliance. And llamas are funny. They are truly funny. Why? I don't know. Llama? They just are. If you want to understand our puns, you should learn Hebrew. A little Musar for those of you who love puns.

Announcements
The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.”
 
We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad.
We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable.
 
Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough...
People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it...

(Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!!

(Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk.

We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board...

I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale.
You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic.
It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings...

And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form.
Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach...

Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish.
I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva.
Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food...

Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either.
It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday...
You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt.

At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai...

Rivka's Rundown
Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?!

The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen.
I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers.
I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones.

Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension.

The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple.
I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation.

It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish.

After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot.
Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time.

The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!”

It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too.
 
Trying to Get the Minyin
The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect.
Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey.
We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy.
They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul."
Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage.
 
The Gabai
Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah.
This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham.
It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel.
Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis.
 
Rabbi Shows to Shul Late
There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody.
The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time.
The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi.
Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi.

The Bar Mitzvah Boy
Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off.
They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless.
Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts.

The Grammen
When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form.
The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit.

Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit
The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried.
The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel.
The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser.
The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year.
 
Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side.

Announcements
Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening.
We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary.
 
You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces.
We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul.
 
This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel...
Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... 

When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left...
Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991.
(Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown...
(Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk.
You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it.  Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die.
The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike...

Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise...
Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim???

Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from.
I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved...
Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays...

Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt...
It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!...
Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.”
The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins...

We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech...
You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek.
We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek...

We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?!
The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars...

The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha...

Rivka's Rundown
Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish.
The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants."
People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask.
The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice.

I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things.

The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin.
How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader.

I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante.
The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of.

I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that.

A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those.

The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics.

The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul.
Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k.

They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk."
I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education.
The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you."
I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents.

For centuries, shuls have been trying to make their Purim Shpiels funny, to no avail. Performed at the Purim meal, best in live theater form, many may be inebriated, and yet to no avail. Throughout the ages there have been many failed shpiels. Especially the one back in Troyes, France in 1098, where they made fun of Rashi and how he comments on everything.
The issue has always been that they're not offensive enough.
I'm here to help you with some Shpiel ideas to tailor fit to your community. This is the one time of year to pull out your best Don Rickles and share some good laughs that will offend people. If you’re worried about Lashon hara, be general, everybody will still know who you’re talking about. The guy that takes all the meat from the choolante, the one who hocks up a cough at Musaf, the one who thinks they should be the one leading Davening. It's Pinny and Shmuel Baruch Felsenblum. We all know they should not be up there singing. When you do the sketch of the Jews who show up for Kiddish, showing them leaving home at 12pm for the 8:30am service, to be on time, they will know it’s the Kimplowitz family. Great scene, which should be in every Purim Shpiel.
Always start with something you know will work and draw the laughs, and that is making fun of the rabbi. Don't do the acting out of Megilat Esther. Nobody gets Achashveirosh's voice right. Never seen a convincing Xerxes.
Here are some ideas to help you get started on your shtick:

The Rabbi
Anything you do about the rabbi will get a huge laugh. Just pretend you’re giving a sermon in the rabbi's voice and everybody will love it. As you sermonize, use highfalutin English words like “firmament,” so that nobody understands. And then utter some nonsense and say "blah blah wha wha wha..." As long as your disdain for the rabbi is apparent, everybody will love it.
The rabbi has been there for every family event of yours, every lifecycle event. He’s laughed with you. He’s cried with you. He cares about you. Make fun of him.
 
The Baby Carriages
This year, the amount of baby carriages has surpassed the amount of people in the shul. How this has happened, I have no idea. It’s clear that people who have baby carriages think they can put them anywhere.
The Shpiel: Just have somebody trying to walk into the shul. They can’t. It’s impossible. The parents decided to leave the carriages at the entrance of the shul. No need to bring the props. They are in the shul already. Some of the people that came to the Purim Seudah meal still can’t get through the doors.
For this scene, bring everybody to the entrance of the shul and try to walk through the doors. No need for acting. Your frustration will naturally take over, as you trip, fall and throw baby carriages at the coatroom. Slapstick at its best is always performed angry.
 
Kids Running in The Hall
This is your chance to mock the new kind of parenting, where they let the kids raise themselves and interrupt the services. Dad claims, “It’s her decision. She’s already three.”
The Shpiel: In the middle of shul, the dad says to his child, “Are you sure you want to interrupt the services?” The child yells, “Yes.” And guess what, the services are interrupted. The dad insists there’s nothing he can do, as he gives the young one a lollipop and the right to make their own choices. And this is why she got Bat Mitzvahed at the age of four.
This leads to the Shpiel of the kids running shul. Take any scene from Lord of the Flies and add parents who do nothing, you have your Shpiel. Parents are stranded with the kids. The parents just sit there and let them kill each other. And you have your modern parents of your congregation.
 
The Yom Kippur Appeal
Everybody flipped the cards, but the shul did not see the money. How? Let's talk about all the people who haven’t paid their dues.
The Shpiel: We see everybody flipping the money on the cards, claiming they will donate that to the shul. Show the least wealthy people flipping over the $18,000 donation. We see their friend reminding them that they haven’t paid their dues yet. Time for the perfect Jewish joke: He responds, “So, nu? If I don’t give this donation, is it a bad ting?”
You then pull out the list of people who still haven’t paid their dues. This will get everybody moving. Comedy is always easiest when familiar; when people are able to say “that’s so true.” Everybody will be on the floor when they are able to say, “That's so true. The Yitzhakys and the Minkovitzs never pay their dues.”
 
The Kiddush Table
Fran is standing right in front of the choolante. She won’t move. Just show her standing there and other people trying to get through. Comedy gold. The more oblivious she is, the better the scene.
Remember, every scene should have frustrated people getting angry. Humor at its best.
A great addition to the scene is to have a huge guy come and throw Fran away from the table, knocking her down, and then piledriving her. Security should then come and join in the beating of Fran, who is eighty-five years old. At that point, he calmly goes for his choolante.
 
Impersonate Anybody
It will get a laugh.
The impersonation technique in shuls has always been best used when saying the name of the person. It’s hard to know that you’re impersonating Bernie from the third row, who sits next to Frank and Max. Everybody in Memphis has the same accent. Doing a Southern accent won’t help. Neither will doing a Yiddish accent. The Southern Yiddish accent is ubiquitous. Say, “I’m Bernie, Max,” and everybody will be on the floor. Once you say it’s Bernie, everybody will be able to respond, “Yeah. That’s Bernie. He sits next to Max. So true. That’s so Bernie. Saying his name while impersonating him truly hits the funny bone. Great parody.” Then you can get back to making fun of the rabbi who officiated Bernie’s wedding, while helping you and your spouse work through your divorce.
For a real crowd pleaser, remember to impersonate the rabbi. Remember, any time you make fun of the rabbi, it will get a laugh. Do the rabbi saying “Oy” and the crowd is back on your side. If people are personally offended, if you make fun of the rabbi, they will love you once again. Anything about the rabbi and anything involving a Yiddish style accent are Jewish community comedy gold. Truth is you could do a whole Shpiel raising your hands in Jewish Why form, saying “Oy,” and the audience will be on the floor.
 
Purim is a chance for you to get out your anger. The best way to express anger is to make fun of people. Otherwise, it’s straight-out offensive. Remember, if you run your Shpiel right, nobody will want to talk to you for a good couple months.
And never do song form Shpiel. As expressed in introduction, people in your shul do not know how to sing.  The Grammen NayNayNay part is spiritual, but it kills the laughs when Mrs. Simchovitz goes off on her harmony, or whatever other song she's singing the high part of.

As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors.

The Paper Chain Sukkah Project
Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat.

Paper plate Hamentashen
A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together.
Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand.
Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips.
Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry.

Draw a Dreidel
This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers.

Jewish Papercut Art
A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami.
For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts.
Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami.

Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time.
When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut.

Announcements
​We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants.

The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth.

A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate.

The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection..

Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue...

(Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is...
The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board.

How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’?
Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely...
You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven...

It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’.
(Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’
You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul...

The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box...
The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats...
Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish.
Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather.

And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup.
You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me...
The makeup is not spiritual.

You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual...
We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen.

The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit.
Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge...

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah.
By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation.

Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face.
It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it.

I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy.

The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies.
I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy.

The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah.

The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant.

The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival.
 
The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth
This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet.
I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands.
 
Sock Throw
Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well.
This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer.
Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week.
 
Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe
Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle.
This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival.
 
Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H.

Announcements
Purim is this Tuesday. There is no reason to drink on Shabbat, unless if you have to deal with the new Shul Simcha Committee. They are very annoying and will bring anybody to drinking. Anybody married to Harold Feinbloom can also drink. Other than that, drunkenness is Asur.
 
The costume parade will include true Mardi Gras performers. We don't want another pathetic showing of poorly tailored Esther costumes.
 
This week's Kiddish honors a Jew.
 
Sign up for the shul luncheon. It's not a Kiddish. This means you have to pay. We understand how paying can ruin your happiness. If you spent time with the Simcha Committee, you'd understand that there's many ways to ruin Simcha; such as sitting in at one of their meetings.
 
We're asking for Machatzit Hashekel. We realize we'll never collect the full amount of dues. If we can at least get half an nis from congregants, that will be appreciated.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 28:2) 'And you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother, for glory and splendor.' Our Gabai has the ugliest suit I have ever... Well. You're representing the congregation. This is the most disheveled membership... It's Shabbis. It's not Purim. On Shabbat you wear holy stuff... Yeah. Like a tie. We're not in Israel. Apikorsim here...
Well, I though that was a costume. It's got to be the ugliest dress I have seen.
Make vestments. Not costumes... There's a difference. A vestment is a work of fine clothing. A costume is something that looks like a vestment if it were not to last a day... Yes. It's not fine material. Rivka's sweater is bad material... No. It's a costume. That can't be regular clothes. That's a thread count of two.

When families make clothes for each other... Your Chanukah sweater was an Asur gift. No glory wearing that.
Rambam Hilchot Mada says a Chacham should not walk around in messed up clothes... Costumes. Yes. That means costumes. Which is why I won't dress up this Purim...

That was meant for the Gabai. I can't get over how ugly that suit is. The sun is shining off it... Polyester... If you were a Chacham, a wise man, you wouldn't wear that... Because it's ugly. Do you need the Rambam to tell you this?!

It was all made to serve H'.... They were to minister to H' (28:1)... The Kohanim were ministers... Jewish ministers in the Temple. Not a church...
That's why they didn't look like Tzurel and Sam... That's a polyester suit.
It's about caring for each other. You don't let your brother walk out of the house looking like that... Purim is Monday night. It's Shabbis right now. No need for a costume... A costume or an ugly outfit like...

(28:6) 'The work of a thinker'... Yes. That's how I translate it. You think before you get dressed. You go to a decent tailor... Think. Half of you look like you're part of a 1990s gang with one leg shorter than the other.
You guys in this shul never think… Well look at the Purim carnival program. It’s not supposed to be Carnival. You have an apple bob. You don't have a dragon dancing through the shul...
 
You don’t show up to shul drunk for Parshat Zachor… That’s not celebrating. That’s alcoholism… That’s not a hangover. That’s drunk. That's why we end up with a dragon and polyester suits.
It's about remembering. Zachor... To wipe out Amalek. To remember congregants that have wronged you. The Simhca Committee is very annoying... Yes. They've wronged me. I sat in and listened to the chair... No idea who gave her a chair. It would've been rude not to...
That’s why your clothes are messed up. Next time, don’t get dressed drunk... Zachor. Remember. Remember to look decent. Remember to wear a tie for once...
 
Your costumes are pathetic… A ghost? That was a sheet. You didn’t even cut holes in it… I understand. You didn’t want to ruin the bedding. That’s fiscally responsible and a poor costume...
 
At least give Machatzit HaShekel. You don't give to your Shabbis clothes.
And don’t forget to give money to Od Yosef Chai… It’s supposed be for two meals… Three dollars doesn’t cover two meals… What are you eating? Rice? Dinner is rice and rice... That's what you feed poor people. And that's why next week's Kiddish is rice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The way our membership uses Purim as an excuse to drink for three weeks. I don't know if sports bars is what Mordechai had in mind.

Between us, the rabbi got lazy and didn't want to go shopping for another costume this year. He usually shows up in some amazingly intricate cultural costume.
Come to think of it. I think he's just worried he will get cancelled for dressing up on Purim. Saying it's forbidden to wear a costume was a good way to work around the wokeness of our shul.
I think people not dressing up as stigmas of other people will make it hard to find costumes. We'll be stuck with American looking Queen Esthers and that's it.
 
The costumes in our shul are pathetic. One guy dressed up as an office manager. You know what he does for a living? He’s an office manager.

How many Queen Esthers do we need?! Does every eight year old need to be Queen Esther?!
Tzurel's dress was an ugly dress. You only wear ugly like that if it's a costume. We need better dressed people in the congregation.
The Mardi Gras people really added to the Purim spirit. Though, it would have been more appropriate for our Jewish holiday if they weren't wearing crosses.

The shul gave up and decided on Machatzit HaShekel for dues. They even had a hard time getting people to give a half a shekel. Some said they’ll give one eighteenth of a shekel as it’s more meaningful.
Most of the high shoolers in the congregation hate hearing 18. They're mad that so many people low-balled them by using Chai to justify cheap Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts. They're just being cheap. Some of the congregants have started buying gifts at 5 and Below, writing a card that says 'Chai' on it.
 
They served the food on one table, I had to wait to get near the choolante, I got hit by an older man that wanted Kichel. It was a Kiddish. It was a Kiddish and we paid a lot of money for it. A scam. That was more than Machatzit Hashekel.

The rabbi didn't give a list of the congregants that wronged him. He's got a lot of built up anger over the years. And the Simcha Committee brought it out.

This interview took place after Megillah reading on Purim evening. The little kids were getting their candy-filled Mishloach Manot. A bunch of the little girls were dressed as Queen Esther, so I asked one of them why. She just wanted her candy.

Who are you?
Queen Esther

Why are you dressed as Queen Esther?
I love Queen Esther.

Why did you not dress as Vashti?
I hate her.

Why do you hate Vashti?
She's not nice.

She wasn't bad to the Jews.
Well she was bad to me.

Why?
My mom dressed me as Vashti last year, and I looked like an idiot.
Can I get my candy?!

Do you like Mordechai?
I hate Mordechai. He pulled my hair last year.

Did Queen Esther do anything about that?
I was Vashti. So, I smacked Mordechai.

Oh. Which Purim character do you like?
My mom. When she doesn't dress me as Vashti.

I see, you have a beautiful little tiara. Did Queen Esther have a tiara?
Yes.

What was her tiara made of?
Felt fabric sheets.

Are you sure?
No. It might have been made of plastic. Wait. It was definitely paper.

Are you sure?
Yes. You can cut that easier. We learned that in arts and crafts class.

What else did Queen Esther wear?
Her ballet dress.

Did she use makeup?
No. Her mom didn't let her.

What's your name little lady?
Esther.

No. What's your name?
I'm Esther.

I know you're Queen Esther. But, who are you?
(no answer)

You're doing a great job in character. What grade are you in?
Can I get my candy?!

What do you want to be next year?
Mom! She's not giving me candy!!!

Conclusion
When she started yelling, I gave her the candy. You can get arrested for not giving a child candy. As I learned, when a kid is screaming it makes no difference if you hit them or don't give them candy, or if you gave them a kind morning greeting. It's abuse.
When Esther wants her candy, you give it to her. As she was walking away, I asked her if Queen Esther had temper tantrums.
I found out her name was Esther. If she wasn't dressed as Queen Esther, that could've saved a good minute and a half of the interview.

Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah.
The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot.
Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets.

Give Lemon Wafers
Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach.
If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot.
 
Stuff Still in Your Pantry
Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration.
Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that.
 
Make Hamentashen
People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want.
 
Give Candies
Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth.
Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops.

Take Out The Good Stuff
If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching.
This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy.
And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums.

Put in Stuff You Don’t Want
I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them.
Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot.

The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot.

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Purim and Putin with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing more offensiveness.

This is exactly the scene at the shul we were at for Taanit Esther. No moral to the story. Just a great scene with the characters from the shul. A great scene for the kids at the day school to act out. 

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody in the shul has been fasting all day. They're hungry and at shul for Mincha, the afternoon prayer. Nobody is happy. They walk into shul a schlumpy. They grunt at each other.

Congregant 1: Ahhhhh.  

Congregant 2: Ahhhh. Been working all day at the factory. The fast is killing me.

Congregant 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7: Food.

Congregan 3 walks in, the only cheery guy.

Congregant 3: The fast is about Teshuva. Repentance. It's about being with people and getting along. Rebuilding the Beit Hamikdash through love of your fellow Jew.

Congregant 2: I can't stand this guy. 

Congregant 3: You're supposed to feel good.

Everybody looks at Congregant 3 not happily, and grunt.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
​
Everybody is in the middle of the silent prayer, the Amidah, and saying the additional prayer of penitence for H' to answer us on this day of our fast, the Aneiny prayer. Somebody says the beginning of the prayer out loud, to remind people to say the additional prayer and to show off that he remembered to say it.

Congregant 4: Aneinu H' Aneinu.

Everybody acknowledges. Congregant 4, and give him a thumbs up or a fist of approval. They continue praying the silent prayer. Congregant 4 smiles with self-contentment and pride.
All continue praying. From the hallway, you hear a big crunch. Definitely potato chips. It's heard by everybody, while they are praying. Another crunch is heard. People start looking at each other and get back to praying. Another crunch is heard. All of their prayers are interrupted. They can't concentrate. The guy starts eating faster and louder. People are looking at each other. You start to hear the bag now crumpling. He hear the guy crunching more on the chips. You then hear the crescendo, the guy drinking the rest of the chips. There is silence for a second, everybody gets back to the Amidah, silent prayer. Congregant 2 finished the Amidah and walks over to Congregant 1. You hear another crunch.

Congregant 2: They're happy.

The sound of the rest of the bag crumpling is heard. People are interrupted in their prayer again and show frustration, looking at each other. There is a moment of silence. They are all back praying the Amidah with Kavanah, intent. Twenty seconds later, you hear another chip going into the mouth with a loud crunch.
The crunching continues at a fast pace. Everybody is finished and walks towards the door.

Scene 3
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY

Baruch, the one that has been eating, is sitting outside opening another bag of chips. He has three bags open out there. Another crunch is heard. Baruch is sitting outside the door of the shul, in the hallway, has a table setup right there, full of food and drinks. The Minyin (the men praying) walk outside and see the guy. He is now spreading peanut butter on celery and an apple. 

Congregant 1: It's Baruch.

Congregant 5: Do you eat anything silent? Maybe a rugulach? 

Congregant 6: He has Kichel there.

Congregant 2: Can we get some of that?

Baruch: It's a fast day. How can you even think about eating? It's shameful.

Congregant 5: You're eating.

Baruch: You have to wait till the fast is over. I'm sick. I have to eat. The doctor said I need the nutrients.

Congregant 2: Then why are you eating chips?

Baruch: Are these not nutrients? Look at the bag. There's a box that says 'nutrients' right here. And look. Celery and apples. 

Congregant 1: But you're eating chips.

Congregant 5: Should he be eating nutritious food? It's a fast day.

Scene 4
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody goes back into the shul. The Chazin begins the repetition of the prayer, outloud. Baruch keeps on eating. Takes a bite of the celery.
​
Congregant 1: Everything he eats is loud.

Congregant 5: You can't have Kavanah (proper intent) when Baruch is eating.

You hear Baruch start chewing his apple, and you see him smiling. The happiest man on the fast day, as he is sick.
 
Congregant 3: That’s how you’re supposed to be on a fast day.
 
We pan back outside and we see Baruch eating chips again.

​Kibbitzer Conclusion
Eating outside the shul on a fast day is the next level of funny. Hearing the chips added another layer to the regular scene of angry people. Brilliant timing. All these fatigued people and they hear this guy outside munching on the food. 
Being sick on a fast day is not that bad. It also interrupts Minyin.
Don't try to talk about repentance or love of your fellow man on a fast day. People only want to talk about the day being done. Nobody causes hatred of Jews more than a happy guy on a fast day. That is what causes baseless hatred and why the Temple was destroyed.
In the end, Congregant 3 was hungry. Something about hearing chips brings hunger.
Nobody feels better than the guy who calls out the Aneinu or the Yaleh vYavo when it's Rosh Chodesh. You can feel that pride when they call it out. The people who said the Aneinu silently feel like idiots for not calling it out, when they could've been a star. The shul pride lasts for days. Almost as much pride as the guy who clops the table to scare everybody into saying the Yaleh vYavo.
Happiness for the congregants started after Megillah reading, when people started eating. They still grunted at each other.

In the times of Megilat Esther we were commanded to 'send food portions, man to his friend.' Known as Mishloach Manot, this is how we are commanded to celebrate Purim, along with gifts to the poor and more food for us. (Esther 9:22) 'Days of feasting and happiness, sending of portions to one another, and presents to the poor.' It all means food. As the rabbis realized very quickly, Jews can only be happy with food. The entertainment will be complained about, but the food will be complained about and enjoyed.
So the Jews decided to send food to one another in the form of wicker baskets. Wicker is very easy to clean if there is a spill. There were a lot of spills back then, as packaging wasn't good in the BCEs.
And then there was Easter. So, all Jews started buying whatever they could find on sale, to give to their friends. Walmart had a whole section of bunnies and chocolate, and that is how we see chocolate eggs in our Mishloach Manot, along with Kinder eggs. They then decided to also give the tiny bottles of alcohol they were able to steal from ELAL. And then Haddar started selling Hamentashen at Costco. Thus, the Hamentashen people get in their Mishlaoch Manot. Unmarked Hamentashen, made by Haddar, the new taste of kosher, hand pulled from the plastic package, in sandwich bags. Unpackaged, making crumbs in your Mishloach Manot, as in ancient times. And then people started receiving a lot of Mishloach Manot, and they tried to figure out how to save it for the following Halloween, or to hand it to a neighbor they didn't think about when making their own Mishloach Manot.. 

At first, Mishloach Manot were only sent to one person, to fulfil the commandment of 'portions.' That became very overwhelming for some families, who had just started cleaning out their fridge and preparing for Pesach. To quote Bernie: 'In the 1950s, we just found it easier to give our gift packages in bulk form... To tell the truth. We threw everything we could into that package. Anything we could get rid of. We had Pesach coming up, and getting the junk-food out of the house was paramount. Most of our sweets were Chametz. Anything leftover from last year, we sent it. Anything we found on sale, we sent it. We sent it all. Any candy we found, we threw it right into that bag. A lunch bag. It was clear that it was stuff we had to get out of the house. Leftovers? They were all in there. We even sent somebody a bit piece of chicken leg.'
Picking up on this, the world of wicker started making smaller Purim sized baskets. Hence, Mishloach Manot were something that were something you had to give to everybody in the community. Ending with the most important tradition of forgetting somebody, and offending them. I have witnessed new Purim enemies in my community every year. Tradition. 
And that is how we end up with small wicker and plastic packages, full of Easter eggs, a bunny, Hershey's Kisses in Christmas themed packaging, Hamentashen from Haddar that will last through next Purim, a thimble sized bottle of Johnny Walker, and plastic cling wrap, showing up at your door, from the Cohens, with a note written out to the Cohens, for the Cohens to have a Happy Purim. Not you.
The Cohens didn't need the Chametz either. And they didn't care enough about you, to write your name on it. Maybe they just wanted to gloat, that the Schwartzs thought about them and gave them stuff.

I don't know where the hundred gram chocolate bar tradition started. I wish I had a good answer as to the origins of that tradition. Bite size chocolate makes sense, as there are leftovers from Halloween, and thus, part of our tradition.
Maybe some wealthy Jews got involved and were giving the nonJewish kids full chocolate bars for Halloween. Be it what it is, I have never come across full size chocolate bars on sale. I've only found Halloween bite size on sale at The Christmas Tree Shop. For that matter, tradition of giving out small packages of Mike and Ikes in wicker has also found its way into many communities.
For that matter, bottles of Kedem grape juice in Mishloach Manot is also religiously questionable, as they are not tiny, and most of them are Kosher for Pesach; thus, there is no reason to get rid of them.
A large bottle of vodka may find its way into Mishloach Manot, when you have a friend who has too many kids. Even so, whiskey is better, as you may want to unload that for Pesach.

No tradition of fruit was ever part of Mishloach Manot, as that brings happiness to nobody. Dried fruit may be added, as sugar has been concentrated in those, and you have leftovers from Tu BShvat. That is how the dried fruit tradition started in the 1600s.

The Frum community decided to stick with wicker and plastic bowls. That is what you have today in the Frum community.
The less Frum communities have adapted the paper plate Hamentashen. Choosing origami over tradition. The good thing about the paper plate Hamentashen is that there's a limit to how much it holds. With the staples on the sides (staples is how Jews do origami- it holds together better that way), heightening it, there is a limit to how much overflow the plastic cling wrap can retain.
All communities now pick-up their Mishloach Manot accouterments at The Christmas Tree Shop. Another Jewish tradition began in the 1990s. 
Please note that you cannot make a decent Hamentash out of a plastic plate. They crack and it looks like the bakery messed up your pastry. Another note, while we are noting historical facts. Kinder eggs have been banned from Mishloach Manot, as the kids would rather eat the figurines than play with them.

No tradition of masks and groggers in your Mishloach Manot was ever developed. They are not edible and thus useless. What you see in the children Mishloach Manot bags are just for kids to enjoy the holiday and throw on the floor. If they had bite size masks, the tradition to add them to Mishloach Manot might have developed. 
Next time, we will delve into the traditions of the Purim kid bags that come in cone form. We will also research when cleaning began. We believe modern day cleaning up began with the first children leaving their wrappers on the floor in the year 118 CE.

Many have asked about the tradition of sending cake and pancake mixes. That is forbidden. It is not enjoyable to have to cook. The commandment is to be happy, and that happens with pre-made food. Though it's not tradition to send brisket, as it brings more Simcha (happiness) to eat it oneself, it may be done. If you are wealthy and have somebody else cooking for you, it's fine to send brisket, along with the full chocolate bars.

The card has always caused problems. The tradition of having somebody's name attached to the recipient part of the Mishloach Manot was put there to ensure that Jews didn't get along. The ancient tradition made sense, when they would literally send Mishloach Manot through messengers. However, they stopped the tradition of sending the Mishloach Manot, in the year 1643, once they realized that the messengers were eating the chocolate on the way.

I am happy to answer any of your questions about Jewish history.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.