Anti-Semitism was at an all-time high. A non-Jewish townsman called a Jewish man a Jew. 'What do we do? How many Jews need to be called Jews before too many Jews have been called Jews?' Asked Moishele. Berel the Gabai responded immediately, 'We will fight it. No Jew should be called a Jew.' 'That's my Gabai,' announced Fayge. Moishele continued, 'But how do we fight it?' Berel responded again, 'That's a different question.'
All were scared. The Wise Men of Chelm discussed the situation throughout the evening and decided that they were Jews. After days of discussion, they couldn’t figure out why anybody would call a Jewish man a Jew. It was an outrage. All were scared to leave the meetings, lest someone pass them and call them a Jew. The cry was heard throughout the town, 'How do we stop Jews from being called Jews?'
The shul board of Chelm sat, wise in number. 'What do we do?' was the question that was raised again. 'Brilliant question,' Fayge admired. It was decided that they should all wear baseball hats.
The next day they wore baseball hats, but that didn’t work, as nobody plays baseball in Chelm. So, they met again.
They brainstormed for a few more days, and tried different ideas like becoming more athletic, shopping at Walmart and becoming ice hockey fans. Nothing worked. They even ate sushi. Nothing helped. They were still Jews. Shlomo advised, 'Maybe we should just call ourselves "people"?  This way, nobody could call us "Jews.”' Bayla loved the idea, 'We will identify as people.' The rabbi commended them, 'Identity is very important.' And they all left that meeting with people pride, walking the streets of Chelm with yarmulkes, head coverings, skirts and bekishas. And all of the townsmen of Chelm hated people. 

Epilogue
People stopped hating Jews. B"H.
The meetings led to many more meetings of confusion, as the board couldn’t decide if the decision of being called 'people' was made by Jews or people. Many people became offended as people. 
The ADL did not get involved in this episode, as they focus on people not hating Jews. They were at a loss.

The next week, one of the members of the congregation said he heard the word 'Jew' being used in his Jewish history class at Chelm College of Culture. 'Disgrace!' they shouted. 'What should we do about this? Anti-Semitism still exists two thousand years ago,' Moishele said. And he continued to philosophize, 'And it is people who are saying this.' Yankel jumped in, 'We will lock the doors of the shul, so no people can get in.' And no people were allowed in the shul, and the shul was empty. 

Last time, we learned how the board was formed. But how did Rabbi Fishel keep his job? Here is the backstory as to how Rabbi Fishel regained and kept his job.

There were many arguments as to what the best way to face Jerusalem for prayers was. Thus, the board decided they needed another board. The whole town of Chelm was on that board too. They called that board a committee, as many people were confused which board was for what. In the end, this board was called the Jerusalem Prayer Committee. It turned out that Jerusalem Prayer Committee never figured out where to face. So, they ended up facing the same way that the previous generation faced. Nonetheless, they raised much money for Jerusalem, as many of the Chelmites believed that the committee was praying for Jerusalem's wellbeing. And they prayed for Jerusalem and raised money for Jerusalem, but it was still not a fundraiser.

After time it was clear that they needed a rabbi to answer questions that were answered at the meetings with 'ask your rabbi.' Being that the wise men and women didn't have Smicha (rabbinic ordination), they could not answer those questions. Any questions that had an answer that was not 'ask your rabbi,' they were fine answering. And the people on the board answered those questions, and discussed the different answers they gave. And there was still no fundraiser.
It turns out that their answers were disagreements with other people's answers.
Then the idea of Halacha, Jewish law, was introduced to the conversation and all was quite confusing. 

The board couldn’t make a decision as to which rabbi to hire as the rabbi of Chelm. They needed a rabbi for that. And that continued for many years.
It turned out that Rabbi Fishel had a few days left on his yearly contract, when they would ask him the yearly question, 'Who should we hire as rabbi?' Rabbi Fishel was always shocked, 'This is the first question I have been asked since I rebecame the official rabbi.' And Rabbi Fishel kept his job. From then on, Rabbi Fishel had to answer the questions of the people, and he had to answer to the board, which all of the people were on. And the board told Rabbi Fishel that if he answers any questions, they'll fire him. And they said he's worthless; and they accomplished what they set out to do as a board.

Years later, after Rabbi Fishel had answered his first and only question, the board made the decision to finally hire a rabbi who will be their chief rabbi. Again, Rabbi Fishel answered that it should be him. And Rabbi Fishel never got to make another decision, as there was a board, and the board told him that they would fire him if he ever made another decision.
Once Rabbi Fishel was hired as the chief rabbi of Chelm, the board finally figured out how to make decisions. After weeks of meetings, they would go to Rabbi Fishel and pose the question. At first Rabbi Fishel was surprised. But the board said to answer them. To which Rabbi Fishel would answer, and they would say, 'No.' 
To this day, all questions are asked to Rabbi Fishel, and the board answers them. And that is how Rabbi Fishel keeps his job. And everybody on the board loves him.

Epilogue
The rabbi vacations a lot.

Do We Need a Rabbi?
Decisions used to be made by asking the rabbi. However, at the turn of the century, the wise men and women of Chelm heard that rabbis wanted to be paid. Yankel heard this and protested, 'Why should we pay anybody to make decisions? We are wise. Before Rabbi Fishel came, we made decisions. Decision making is our tradition. It's in our blood.' Before more anti-Semitic rhetoric and libels against Jews were declared, Mendel responded, 'But once Rabbi Fishel came, he was making decisions.' And Bayla said, 'You fool.' Sarah Shaindel heard this and acquiesced, 'That’s how we should do it. We will make decisions.' To which all the wise men and women agreed, 'We just made a decision.' And none of it had to do with Torah.
Bayla questioned, 'Should we not ask a rabbi?' Berel the Gabai was taken aback by this question, as were the other wise men and women. 'Are we allowed to make the decision to have a rabbi or not? Should we not ask the rabbi?' So, the wise men and women sat on it for forty days and forty nights, till the rabbi's salary was up for renewal.

Sarah Shaindel climbed the mountain to meditate. It was summer and she wanted to go on a hike. There's a mountain right on the outskirts of town and it's got great scenery.
Over the course of forty days many questions arose in Chelm, such as, 'Do we have to keep Shabbat every week?' Great debate was had, as Shabbat is the day of rest and many people were getting tired due to all of the cooking and preparation they had to do for it. Sarah Shaindel came back and people were expecting an answer. She said, ‘I have nothing, and we are wise.’

Mendel came in, as the fool always does, and said that only a rabbi can answer these questions. The wise men and women retorted, 'You fool. We answer questions all the time.' To which Mendel said, 'Not correctly.' To which the wise men and women said, 'You are correct.' But questions arose as to whether or not that was the right answer.
After forty more days, the question still remained. And Mendel exclaimed, 'Only a rabbi can answer that question.' So, they rehired Rabbi Fishel to answer the question. How they first rehired Rabbi Fishel is a debate to this day, as that was a decision the rabbi had to make.

Rabbi Fishel's contract was up every year, as they were still not sure if the decision to hire a rabbi was a decision that they were allowed to make. It is possible that only a rabbi can make that decision.
At this point of decision making, the wise men and women realized how wise this new generation of wise men and women of Chelm are. And so it was. They decided that they needed a new rabbi to field all their questions, and they decided that they, the wise men and women, would answer them. And that is how the board was formed. 

What is a Board?
Decisions had to be made. This new way of Jewish community establishment forced the shul to be taken over by community members and fundraisers. After much talk, it was decided that smart people do fundraisers, because people wear suits during the week to them. Not knowing what a fundraiser was, or how to pay the rabbi, somebody told them they must create a board.

The wise men and women exclaimed the brilliance of this idea of the board.
'What is a board?' asked Sarah Shaindel. Yankel, who had spent time at university and Yeshiva in Israel guided, 'A board is people who meet to make decisions.' 'But every one of us has made decisions, ever since Chelm was founded back before I was born,' added Duvidel. Berel, the Gabai and sexton, decided, 'Well. We have our answer. We will all be on the board.' And thus, the new generation of Chelm's board assembled. And all of the people of Chelm were on the board. And no decisions were made. 
They tried to figure out who the president should be, so they asked, 'Who hates the rabbi?' 

And the question arose, 'We are wise. Why do we need a board?' To which Berel the Gabai answered, 'To have meetings.' And Fayge responded, 'Our Gabai is so wise.'

How Do We Make Decisions?
There was no answer to that question.
The board met weekly to discuss and resolves issues. And they discussed for hours, in what was called a meeting. And everybody shared their opinions. And they met weekly to discuss and resolve issues. And they continued to meet weekly, and they discussed. The same questions every week. And for years nothing was resolved. And no decisions were made as to the fundraiser. And Yankel said, 'We have a board.'
So they sat in more meetings. And Bayla said, 'These meetings are very important. All board members must show to the meetings.' And all of Chelm showed to the meetings, and no decisions were made.
 
Epilogue
Many people wanted to leave the board once their tenure in office was up. The board told the people that they are still on the board. To quote, 'You are still citizens of Chelm. You are wise. You should also share your opinion on everything.' And so, everybody remained on the board, even when they had no position, and shared their opinion.
Meetings took days, as everybody said their opinion is important.
There were thousands of secretary positions. Secretary of greenery. Secretary of greetings. Secretary of people. Secretary of homes. The list includes, secretary of books. I believe that was the librarian. They changed jobs into secretary positions. Secretary of convenience was the guy with the bodega. The youth director holds the chair as secretary of children.
Now, everybody in Chelm is important, and the rabbi cannot tell them what to do.
The rabbi once thought to make a decision, after much discussion of the wise men and women. The decision was then made to tell the rabbi to not talk.
To this day, the only decision made is to have a rabbi, and the wise men and women of Chelm regret that.

A great fear came upon all the wise men and women. They found out they had to clean their own homes. Passover was coming, and a great scare ran through all of Chelm. Shouts of 'What do we do?' were heard throughout Chelm. The cries were heard as far as Felm and Shpelm. All townsmen were worried. Sweeping was a great fear. 
The wise men and women had forgotten about generations passed and how there had been a great panic every year. There was a pandemic, but the idea of cleaning was scary. Tidiness caused extreme fright. Discussions about how dust gets on the bristles turned to outrage and wailing. Kinot were written about gum that stuck to floors. 'Gum, you cannot sweep. Thus, we weep. And we pray for the return to Jerusalem.' 

The wise men and women met to figure out what to do. 'Take a mop,' exclaimed Duvidel. Bayla retorted, 'Duvidel. You fool. How he knows nothing. We will still have to clean.' Lipa also responded, 'How dare he?! The nerve.'  The vote came and it was agreed that moping is cleaning and Duvidel is a fool.
Fayge asked the question for all the wise men and women, 'How do we get our homes clean without cleaning?' 'Brilliant question,' Raisel agreed. And so, it was a question.
'We shall spray,' proclaimed Rivka. 'I lived in New York and Israel, and I saw them spray.' So, they all bought spray. Rivka had done her research, and she had direct proof.

They bought the spray that cleans floors. The spray that cleans sinks and floors. The spray that cleans sinks, floors and bathrooms. The spray that cleans floors and kitchens. They even had water, which they could use to spray sinks, floors, bathrooms, and kitchens. They had specialty sprays for other floors.
The shelves went empty of spray. No sprays could be found in all of Chelm. Even Shpelm sold out of spray. Before that, Chelmites only visited Shpelm to see how silly people lived. The people of Shpelm would get their cars washed regularly. Silly people.
Raid was gone from the shelves too. Malka cleaned her home with repellent. To quote Malka, 'It shpritzes.'

The spray was sprayed but nobody could figure out how to clean the spray. Felvel announced, 'We need a spray to clean the spray.' Yet, all the spray was already sold, and they didn't have enough time before Pesach to manufacture a spray to clean spray. So, panic attacks grew even greater.
Spraying the kitchen was thought to be a great idea by the wise men and women of Chelm. However, the Chelm FHIA said that had to stop, as the hospitals were filling up with Jews that were preparing for the holiday. It turns out the Food Health Inspection Association of Chelm don't celebrate Pesach. If they were religious, they would understand. It was fear of Pesach that was filling the hospitals.

They bought every spray, but they still had to clean. Spray was all over the homes, and they now had to clean the spray. Yankel let all know, 'Wiping spray is cleaning.' And he killed Pesach again for all of Chelm.
'Cleaning is not fun!!!' protests were organized at the rabbi's house. However, the rabbi had already abandoned the community for Pesach. The rabbi had sold his home, in fear he would have to clean it.
Chaya Tova started to cry, 'My mom is going to make me help.' To which all the wise men and women of Chelm responded, 'This must stop.' All were in shock, 'How can one ask their child to help? Kids mustn't help. This isn't 1985.' The teachers of the Cheder put out a letter saying children should not be expected to do anything. To quote, 'As long as the parents don't want them doing homework, they will still get a perfect score in our classes. Please note, we believe your kids are perfect and they already know everything, too.'
Now there was worry that homes would have to be clean, and kids would have expectations. And Berel the Gabai said, 'No more cleaning.' Raisel shouted, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. He understands the needs of the children too.'

They had no idea what to do for Pesach. Berel said to not clean, but the homes had to be cleaned. Some of the unwise people cleaned, while the wise didn't. The wise men and women began to pray.  
Since the spray fiasco, panic attacks were rampant. The cardiac care unit was full. The people of Chelm had no idea what to do. The doctors said the hospitals were full. They couldn’t figure out why they had full hospitals at the end of March every year.
The doctors had a meeting. It turned out that the only symptom that all the patients shared was cleaning. It turned out that when asked how they felt 'between one and ten,' the response was 'I have to clean.' The doctors didn't understand what was going on, they just knew that people had to clean. There was no medicine for this disease. So, they had the social workers deal with it.
Great panic hit the people. Shouts of, ‘We have to clean our floors. How do we do that?’ continued.

And all the wise men and women fled Chelm for Pesach.
'Where do we go?' They asked, 'The hotels are so expensive.' So they all left their homes, and paid eighteen thousand dollars for hotels. And they didn’t have to sweep and mop their kitchens.
After Pesach, they realized they had lost all their money and more panic attacks ensued. Menachem comforted all, saying, 'Next year. We will open a Pesach trailer park.' The question of going to Jerusalem next year was asked by Duvidel. He's such a fool. He doesn't understand that it's a song.

After paying for the hotels, people stopped paying their dues. The shul couldn't afford maintenance anymore. So, the members of the community had to clean the shul every Motzei Shabbat.

Epilogue
The teachers received raises right after Pesach, for noting that the children are perfect and don’t need school.

The unwise men and women stayed in Chelm for Pesach. 
It turned out that once Pesach came and they started eating Matzah, all the people who remained in Chelm felt better. From then on, the doctors started handing out Matzah to any patient who had a panic attack.
Many of the nonJewish patients were said to have taken Matzah, chewed on it, and said, 'My life is not this bad.' They went home, ate Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and did not suffer from panic attacks anymore.

What was not told to the greater public by all those who went to the Shpelm Hotel and Inn, due to embarrassment, was that the hotel had very dirty windows. All the wise men and women complained about that. And they ended up having to clean their hotel windows with spray.

The following year, the trailer park didn't work, as they found out they had to clean the trailers. They decided that the best idea would be to cover their homes in tinfoil.
It was in 2021 when nobody could see anything in their homes, be it Chametz or Matzah, as the houses were way too shiny. 

Two years had passed since the pandemic struck, and the Minyin quorom for prayer started meeting at shul again. After much discussion, the Wise Men and Women realized that the reason why there was no quorum was that nobody was getting together. All were in awe of Berel the Gabai's brilliance, when he unveiled that revelation to the board.
This was their fourth time starting up the Minyin again and reopening the shul. The shul had three weeks of excellent attendance. All attendees had to be vaccinated, wearing masks and six pairs of gatkes for safety. It was also suggested that everybody stay far enough apart so they couldn't hear one another. It was decided by the local authorities that it is dangerous to hear other people. Once Yankel started talking, it was agreed that it was best not to hear people.
Shabbat was beautiful and all were happy, even though they couldn't hear the Kaddish prayer. The shul held an amazing Chanukah party where all attendees had to be vaccinated. As discussed by the Wise Men and Women, you had to be vaccinated, wearing six pairs of gatkes and gloves with proof of showering with sanitizer, and masked in order to eat the latkes. Sour cream wasn't allowed, as it was deemed a super spreader.
For Minyin quorum safety, one Wise Man suggested what they called 'zones.' So, the congregation created shul zones. They had an orange zone, a green zone, and a zone where Israelis were not protested against. The community was finally running again.
Then, the next month, after the shul had finally opened and the community started to move again, the leaders of Chelm called for all religious services to stop meeting again. They said there was what they called 'another variant.' And that was it. The Minyin was over. Once the people heard the word 'variant,' there was mass hysteria around Chelm, as the Chelmites ran to safety. Some trampled others to find the best Holiday Sales they could.

The UnWise Men and Women Who Thought People Should Get Together for a Quorom
The Wise Men and Women decided to close the shul again. However there were some not Wise Men and Women that thought the Minyin should continue. That idea met with much disdain, and community hatred.

'It's a variant,' reproached Sarah Shaindel.
'What does the variant do?' Yankel asked. And the whole of the Wise Men and Women of Chelm ostracized Yankel for asking such a dumb question. Yankel was cut off from the community for bringing up such heresy. In ridiculing him, they used his full name, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, and in unison said, 'Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha! How dare you say that things are not that bad? How dare you bring up praying together at times like these?!' After hearing 'times like these,' Yankel had the chutzpah to reiterate, 'I was just asking what the variant did.' And from then on, it was forbidden to speak to Yankel, for he was a fool.
All the Wise Men and Women knew that when somebody said 'times like these,' that meant there was a crisis and everybody should quarantine and not see people at shul. For Yankel to have not known this, and to not know that 'variants' means to take shelter, they all knew he was too great of a fool to not be isolated.

'Times like these' was later said at the shul board meeting. Nobody could show to the meeting, as that would've meant getting together. Nonetheless, the Wise Men and Women held the board meeting. When the statement 'times like these' got out to the people, all took shelter. Running home with hands flailing, you heard yells throughout Chelm, 'Times like these.' And nothing else needed to be said, shul was closed. There was a 'variant' and there were 'times like these.' There was no room for Judaism in Chelm, at times like these. And for Yankel to not realize it was times like these.

Murmurs of Yankel's evil ways made their way around the community. He lost his friends, his job, and he was left in the cold. He caught pneumonia, but nobody cared, as it wasn't a variant.

The Similar Case: Some Fool Wanted a Minyin
Rabbi Fishel was fine with not having the Minyin. Duvidel was not happy. He didn't want the shul to shutdown again. As he said, 'There is no community if there are no people.' That was shut down by Rivka, the social chair, who said that community doesn't need people. Rivka is simply smarter than Duvidel, who always brings up dumb ideas, with his lack of knowledge. 
Duvidel said that he heard that the new variant doesn't affect people. And dissenting shouts came from all throughout Chelm, 'You fool. Only an idiot would repeat what he reads.' Conversations were had about the news that Duvidel watched. Talks were had and speakers stated, 'We must never watch the news anymore.' But they all realized that they would never hear about the other variants without the news, so the news was placed on the Chelm Jumbotron, to ensure that religious people didn't meet.

Sarah Shaindel repeated, 'It's a new variant.' Duvidel responded, 'But it doesn't affect anybody.' And all were in shock. The Wise Men and Women were oh so bothered, asking, 'How can things not be dire? It is these times.'
'What a fool Duvidel is,' Shaindel cried out. 'But it's a variant!!!' And the shul was closed. And the leaders of Chelm were happy

Duvidel went on to say that people were happy showing up to shul, and the Wise Men of Chelm ostracized Duvidel. Shlomo reiterated the feelings of the Wise Men and Women, 'How dare he say that people are happy seeing other people? Does he want to kill us?' And he continued, 'Only a fool would think you can be happy during times like these.' Other Wise Men and Women said, 'It's times like these. Did he not hear it's "times like these"?' And all knew Duvidel should be ostracized. And Shlomo happily went back to his home on the outskirts of town and was happy, as he was able to find a new series to get into. But not before he could tell Duvidel, 'It's science. We can't have a Minyin because of science. During times like these, we have to look to science.'
It turned out, Duvidel, like a fool, believed in Gd. 

The Community Is Happy
The community was finally at peace, knowing that the people who wanted to be with community were in seclusion.
'As long as there are variants, I will never go to Minyin again,' exclaimed Feivel. Berel the Gabai acquiesced, 'There will be no Minyin until the doctors tell us that there is nothing to catch.' Fayge shouted with joy, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. The only way to never catch anything is to not go to shul.' 
And the Wise Men and Women of Chelm, the Jews of Chelm all celebrated, as they never had to go to shul again. And they all met at the supermarket.

Epilogue
​Duvidel's question of whether or not the variant had anything to do with the pandemic was never answered, as it was a variant.
Nobody ever listened to Yankel again. He even had the Chutzpah to ask what 'the science' was. A fool with chutzpah.

The masks were mandated by the city council, but criminal activity went up in Chelm. They're still looking for the people who robbed the local pharmacy. The police sketch of a man and woman wearing masks went out. To this day, the whole town of Chelm is suspect.
Along with Yankel and Duvidel, the ostracized community that was put in isolation grew large and they started their own Minyin quorum of people who were not allowed to be around other people.

​The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided that the community needs to follow new protocol. From then on, anytime somebody said 'variant' the shul had to be immediately shut down. If anybody said 'these times' or 'times like these' all had to take shelter. It was years later, when they decided on a law that you can't yell 'variant' in a crowded shul, that the shul opened and the Minyin finally met up again.

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

Rabbi Fishel taught the Mishna of Sukkah a few years back, in which it teaches that the Sukkah must be at least 10 fists (tefachim) high and not more than 20 cubits (amot) high. The class lasted many hours, as nobody knew what a cubit meant. Raisel explained what amot are, but nobody understood how that was a cubit, as they were different words. Shlomo said, 'I have never heard anybody measure in cubits. I build all the time and the tape measure doesn't mark a cubit.'
Upon learning the sizes of the Sukkah, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, known as Yankel for the sake of limiting the time it takes to get his attention, threw out the tape measure and broke the shul's ruler. He said, 'We must build this Sukkah according to Halacha, Jewish law.' 
Menachem insisted, 'I have a hand.' And so, they built the shul's Sukkah with Menachem's hand. It was 85 Menachem fists. They stayed away from cubits as that was too confusing.
Questions came into the Wise Men and Women about the new town laws of Sukkah building, and Menachem went from house to house to help them build, as he had a fist.
All knew that Menachem's fist was what you measured with. Menachem was getting calls from all over the province. Calls for bookcases. Calls for correct ladder sizes were coming in. Itzik's Renovations And Moving hired his fist. The local bike manufacturer has his fingers on retainer.

The following year Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana. The Wise Men and Women were stuck. Duvidel said, 'But we all have fists.' To which Bayla yelled, 'You fool. Menachem has a fist. Yes. Do you have Menachem's fist?' And all kicked Duvidel out of the meeting for his foolish ideas.
One townsman had the audacity to build a Sukkah without Menachem's hand. He said that it was the same size as his Sukkah last year. 'How could we be sure of that?' asked Berel the Gabai. Fayge jumped in, 'My Gabai is amazing. He is correct. We don't have Menachem's hand, so how can we know?' The townsman responded, 'They're the same sheets and slats.' But the Wise Men knew that slats can change size.
And that Sukkot was celebrated with no fists, and no Sukkahs.

Epilogue
The following year, Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana again, but one foolish member insisted that the walls were all the same as as they were. There's always one unintelligent new member at the meetings. Menachem wasn't there, so they were the wrong size. Thus, there was a crisis again.
The only other measurement in town was Shlomo. Shlomo insisted that he as a fist. At least he told everybody he did. That met much argument, as his hand is not as big as Menachem's. Raisel was not convinced that Shlomo could measure 40 Menachem fists on all sides. Shlomo's hand business was ruined from then on. Raisel ruined his living.

This past year, one new member of the board proposed using a ruler that he found in one of the children's backpacks. The child was studying in a school that has been banned by the Wise Men and Women since. He knew the dimension in meters. They refused, telling him 'We cannot build this Sukkah without Menachem's fist.' And they kicked him off the board with his ludicrous ideas of heresy. Berel the Gabai announced to all, 'As Jews, we measure with fists and arms. That is the only way to be exact.'
The Wise Men and Women studied more Torah together, which led to more problems. A ruling was sent to all that it was forbidden to use rulers, tape measures and yardsticks, as they are not mentioned in the Oral Law of the Jewish people.

​Yankel is still mad at Menachem. He broke the ruler in hopes of making a business of his fist. 

The word got out and advertisements were placed in the paper asking, 'Does anybody else have a fist?' The Wise Men and Women of Chelm are searching for more Menachem fists. If you have a handbreadth, they would appreciate your letting them know. 
​Menachem is not allowed to travel anymore.

This Rosh Hashana, they are praying that Menachem will be around for Sukkot, and not stuck on a construction site, for use of his hands and arms.

The sun began to set late and no one knew what to do. ‘Just three months ago, it was setting at 5pm. We were able to start Shabbat on time,’ exclaimed Feivel, ‘This is very confusing. Why does the sun not set on time?’ And it was confusing. Roars from the crowd of eight people were heard, ‘What do we do? When will we start Shabbat, if Shabbat is starting late?’ And confusion set in.
Duvidel stepped in to answer the quandary, ‘We shall start Shabbat at its time. At 8:30pm. 20:30 military time.’ Protest came upon the crowd. Shouts of ‘What is he talking about? Who would even think of such heresy?!’ were heard throughout the province.
Moishele was taken aback, ‘You fool. 8:30?! We cannot start Shabbat late. We must start Shabbat in its right time.’ Berel The Gabai explained, ‘I have to know when to go to shul.’ Fayge agreed with the Gabai. ‘People have to know when to show up to shul.’ The rabbi was also in agreement, as he said, ‘I don’t want to have to show up to work early.’ And thus, the question was still present, and all pondered.
One random unwise parent said that they have to start Shabbat early because of their children. They said they must spend Friday night with their kids, before they go to sleep. All the Wise Men quickly shut down that idea as ‘kids don’t go to shul or eat late anyways.’
Duvidel mentioned the idea of sunset again, as he was asked to leave the meeting with his foolish ideas. Shabbats came and went, and the people had no idea if the Shabbat came or not. They would sit and wait for the sun to begin its descent, but it was always after 6pm, and that was too late.
An edict was sent to all townsmen, saying, 'All must keep Shabbat all week, until we figure out when it begins.' Bayla then jumped in, ‘But we know when it ends.’ Moishele explained, ‘If we don’t know when it begins. We may not know when it ends.’ And so, the edict went out, and the non-Jewish townsmen wondered why they had to keep Shabbat.
After three weeks of celebrating Shabbat all week the Wise Men and Women decided that they have to start Shabbat on time. ‘We must write the new edict,’ said Raisel. And she was correct. But huge protest came upon her, as it was still Shabbat, and you cannot write on Shabbat.
 
Epilogue
Shabbat continued. And Raisel never let anybody know what ‘on time’ meant.
Many parents wanted to fight for early Shabbat, for their kids. But the Wise Men and Women made it very clear that the Torah wasn’t written by children in third grade.
Sarah Shaindel was the one who reminded everybody that Shabbat had still not ended. Everybody now hates Sarah Shaindel. They were falling behind in their new series they were trying to get involved in. Many of the meetings had been cancelled in the past, due to television series.
After a couple more weeks of Shabbat, the decision was made to go around to each house, knocking on the doors again, letting all know to end Shabbat. ‘Ending Shabbat on Wednesdays is never to happen again,’ exclaimed Rabbi Fishel, and he kept his job.
They were still stuck with the question, ‘what does it mean to start Shabbat on time?’ And the answer was, ‘We don’t know.’ Duvidel said, ‘When the sun starts to descend.’ And nobody listened to Duvidel, the fool. As Bayla said, ‘This fool. He’s a heretic. He probably ended Shabbat before Wednesday.’ ‘Outcast!’ ‘Shun,’ and other words of anti-Duvidel cheers were heard.
After a time had passed, many of the young Wise Men and Women, for technical reasons, decided that Shabbat should start on time, early. Some members of the community, with young children, decided it was important have an early Shabbat Minyin. They called that for 4 o'clock, because that is early. Nobody showed to the early Minyin, as the parents had to be at home, watching the kids. 
To this day, the Wise Men and Women of Chelm always start Shabbat on time.

The Wise Men of Chelm have been absent from Jewish literature for many years. Why? Because nobody has been reporting what has been going on in Chelm. The newspaper went out of business when the decision was made that people reading interferes with social interaction. This ban, put out by the sisterhood, led to many members being accused of elitism as they continued playing Sudoku, and that is arguably a book.
The decision in shul was made that people are not allowed to use Siddurs (prayer books) anymore, as people looking inside interferes with conversation during services. And that is rude.

Generations have passed and the tradition of Chelm remains, with newer, wiser men and women, who have all joined the board of Chelm. I am here to report to you some of the stories that I came across, despite the lack of news coverage.
This is how the Wise Men of Chelm killed the Shabbat services last year, thanks to the decisions of the board. I am not saying they’re unwise. I am just saying that I hope they changed things around since then.
Here are the decisions that led to the Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) having to come in to help the community get back on its feet. 

A New Door
A gust of wind hit the shul’s door and it was thrown off its hinges. The community did not know what to do, so for safety, they boarded up the entrance, until a decision could be made. That Shabbat, there was no Minyan, as nobody could figure out how to open the boarded up entrance with the shul key.
The maintenance staff said they could fix the door, but the wise men and women of Chelm knew they weren't wise enough for such a job.

The idea to fix the door was brought up to the board. “We should purchase new hinges for the door,” said Yankel. “Oy,” Moishele objected, “He knows nothing. We have to fix a door. And this fool brings up hinges?!” The board was in a panic and had no idea what to do. At that moment, Berel the Gabai raised a fresh idea. “We will buy new doors,” he exclaimed. And all were in awe. “This is why we have a Gabai,” Fayge shouted with joy.
As the group went shopping, they saw many wooden ornate doors of elegance, but every one of them needed to be attached with hinges. Bayla knew these doors could not work. She continued, “We are a shul. We need building doors. Not hinges.” Shaindel agreed, "We already decided against hinges." 

A beautiful set of glass doors glistened in the corner of the shop. They were all amazed and drawn to their shine. Rabbi Fishel told the board how great these would look at the entrance to the shul. They all jumped for joy, and reprimanded Yankel, who so foolishly suggested to purchase any hinges. Moishele expressed his delight, “The glass is so beautiful. You can’t even see them.” So, they bought the electric sliding doors.

The next day was Shabbat and the whole community was standing outside. Countless people were gathered outside. One asked the next, “Why is nobody going into shul?” A thought arose in Duvidel’s mind, “We can’t use these doors on Shabbat. That is why no one is going into shul. They’re run electronically. We are not allowed to use electricity on Shabbat.” Berel, the Gabai, was there to help explain, “These are weekday doors. These are not Shabbat doors. We will come back tomorrow and use them when Shabbat is over.”
Chutzpadik Duvidel asked, “Then why don’t we return these doors, so that we can pray in the shul on Shabbat?” “Oy!. You foolish man,” Berel replied, “Then what doors will we use during the week?!” And the decision was made again, to not go to shul on Shabbat.

Other Decisions
It was also decided to get iPad prayer books for each seat at shul for Shabbat. That was Shlomo’s idea. As he suggested, “We should get all electric Shabbat items for the shul, as we don’t have to worry about them being used on Shabbat.”
All loved the iPad Siddur idea. Moishele's suggestion that the internet was still social, due to the words 'social media,' was the perfect work around for allowing prayer books back at shul.
The advice of the JDC was to disband the board. Nobody on the board listened to that advice. It came from people who are not wise.