INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
​
Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.

Scene 1
INT - BASKETBALL STADIUM - NIGHT

Rushing to their seats. Entering the stadium.

Shlomo: Got to get to our seats. We don't want to miss anything.

They sit down. Seats are high and far from the center of the court, behind the Hapoel basketball bench area. Not great seats. 

Shlomo: Do you see?

Mike: Kind of hard. The seats are a bit far from the court. 

Shlomo: Amar'e Stoudemire is wearing Tzitzis. 

Mike: Seriously???!!! He's wearing a Kippah. This is amazing. Kippah and Tzitzis. This is the best game I've ever been at.

We see Amar'e sitting on the bench with Tzitzis and a Kippah, in nice clothes (not a jersey).

Shlomo: Did Hapoel just score?

Mike: I have no idea. Amar'e put up his feat. He's wearing Shabbis shoes.
(Mike cont'd) Why is Amar'e not playing?

Shlomo: You can't play in his Tzitzis.

Mike: I get it.

Fans jump out of their seats and start cheering. Some of the fans are jumping right in front of Mike and Shlomo.

Fans Cheering: Hapoel Oleh Oleh Oleh. Hapoel Oleh.
(Fans continue cheering)

Shlomo: Did Amar'e just kiss his Tzitzis?

Mike: I don't know. I think said a Bracha on Gatorade.

Fan 1: Hapoel Aloofim. Zeeh best.

Mike (to Fans in front of them): Please sit.

Fan 2: I'm not even sitting in front of you.

Mike is looking towards the bench. Not the court.

Mike: You're obstructing our view. We can't see Amar'e. Please move.

Shlomo: Yeah. He's right there. Scootch. 

Fans Cheering: Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach. Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoyoy...

Shlomo: This is the best game I've ever been to.

Mike: A religious experience.

The fans are walking out. Hapoel Jerusalem fans are all cheering.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Shlomo: I have no idea. Amar'e had Tzitzis and Kippah.

Mike: Those were great seats. I would even pay to see him stand.

Mike turns to random fan.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Fan 3: I came to see Amar'e.

Shlomo: Great game.

Fan 3: I know.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY

Rabbi is giving Shabbis sermon and everybody is listening. Shlomo and Mike are sitting in shul.

Rabbi: And we are commanded to return to H.' It was the most inspirational thing I had ever seen. Amar'e Stoudemire had a yarmulke on.

Random Congregant: Did he play?

Rabbi: No. But he was sitting there with a yarmulke.

Shlomo: Inspirational.

Mike: I know.

They walk over to the rabbi as the rabbi takes his seat.

Mike: That sermon really touched me.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
It's more exciting to see Amar'e Stoudemire with a Kippah, on the bench, than to see him playing basketball.
Jews would pay thousands for front row seats to see an NBA player that's Jewish. It's almost as exciting as hearing somebody say 'Good Shabbis' on TV. It's about the religious experience. And most of the fans at the game missed davening Mariv with a Minyan.

Jewish people have forever been fans of the Super Bowl. That is the sport we love. Super Bowl. We take in Super Bowl. Most of us have no idea what football is, but we love the Super Bowl. We love the action. We love the atmosphere. There is cheering. We love it. Jews love to celebrate, and it sounds like a great dish to serve from, on the holiday.
Based on what I experienced again this year, here is what I know about why we love the Super Bowl.

Sunday Games
Every other sport has Friday night and Saturday games. The NFL is the only league that loves Jews and is not anti-Semitic. You can celebrate Shabbat and love professional football. That is why religious Jews don’t like high school football, college football, or badminton. You thought the football was a weird looking ball? Try adding feathers to it.

It is a Holiday
We love days with no work. This is why we love Shabbat and Passover. If we had to work on Shabbat, think about how many less Jews would keep it.
We would love football more if we got a day off in the middle of the week, and it was called Super Bowl Tuesday. Better yet, make it a three day Super Bowl Yontif.

There is Food
We go for the party, the dinner. At first Jews had no idea the Super Bowl was about football. They thought it was the celebration of the kitchenware the guacamole was being served in.
Last Super Bowl party I went to, most of the people had no idea there was a game going on. They were too involved with the dips. I later asked my friend about the game and he gave me a play by play about the spread, and how the potato salad went perfectly with the cold cuts.
Yes. There was brisket. It is a holiday.

Only One Day of Commitment
You can skip the rest of the season and still consider yourself a fan. It’s like not going to shul the whole year and then showing up on Yom Kippur.

Athletes and Serious Competition
As long as we don’t have to do it, we love it. It’s very relaxing seeing other people working hard and getting hit. 
It is good for our children to see these grown men flattening each other. These are the perfect role models to encourage our kids to stay in school and not get hurt. That is how you turn a child into a Torah scholar.

Two Armies Going at It
And the people being hit are not Jewish. It is like the old Jewish joke where the Jewish family is watching Ben-Hur and the mother is crying. The son tells his mom to not cry, as those are not Jewish people being eaten by the lions. A few minutes later the mother starts crying again. The son asks, “Mom. Why are you still crying?” His mother, all teared up, points to the screen, “That lion is not eating.” Great joke for the Super Bowl party. You can share it.

The Halftime Show
We love concerts. The show is the reason we watch the clock. Every Jew knows the two minute warning. It is imperative that everybody in the house hears that there is only two minutes left in the half, so that we know when the excitement of the five minute concert is going to start.
The halftime show is when everybody goes in to watch the game. We love entertainment that has nothing to do with the thing we came to see itself. Nothing is more exciting than going to a Bar Mitzvah, not having to listen to the boy give a speech, and seeing a band playing the whole time.

We Love Old Entertainers
Tradition. There is something about a laser light show with a geriatric entertainer that captures the imagination of our Jewish people. We love hearing thirteen different choruses, and no stanzas. Greatest show.
It’s the kindness of the Jewish people that gets us excited to see The Who, Paul McCartney and Bruce Springsteen coming out of retirement to perform on a stage for a couple of minutes, and to not finish a song. We understand, they're too old to finish a song. Their energy runs out.
We even like seeing a heavy 50 Cent. Something to do with enjoying a concert from a place of Rachmanis. 

Commercials
Anything to distract us from the Super Bowl makes the game more exciting for us. Food, singing, commercials. Anything but people throwing pigskin. We don’t watch the Super Bowl for that. It's not Frum. It's against our better Jewish senses, to watch a pigskin.
I've never heard a Jew talk about the game the next day. But they know everything that happened to the Geico gecko. That lizard is a hoot. He sounds like a British chap. Love it.
You have to respect Coke. The only company in the world still advertising when everybody is already drinking their drink.

Referees are Like Rabbis
We look to the referees for ordinances. It's a very religious experience for us. We like to see them in black and white, as that is more traditional garb. They are our rabbis, our leaders, the only older people in the vicinity to give a ruling. We listen to their decrees. Even when we don't agree with them, we listen to them. We have to.

Jews Love Tradition
We do the same thing every year. The same holidays, same prayers, same complaints about the rabbi. That's why we complain about the referee.
​The Super Bowl is also the same, every year. Right there on the field, Tom Brady. That is tradition. Tom Brady is still there in our hearts. A committed Jew, only played for Jewish owners. He may not be in the Super Bowl this year, but you will here somebody in shul talking about how great Tom Brady was, tomorrow.

There is a Jew Somewhere
That brings us Jewish pride. It may not be a player, but we will find a Jew to take pride in. It may the owner, it may be an announcer, it may be a fan sitting there with a Kippah. It is all good enough for Jewish pride.
We will find a way to make the Super Bowl Jewish, even if there are no Jews on the field. It could be a commercial that sells something that a Jew patented. Maybe even a commercial about something Jews like. We eat chips, and there was a chips commercial.
We will find a way to take pride in this Super Bowl, even if it is Cincinnati. I heard Jews talking about how Cincinnati and LA are cities with a fine Jewish history. If we have to go back two hundred years to find a shul there, we shall.
We love the halftime show, but if it was Yaakov Shwekey it would be so much better. Just seeing another Jew there. 

We Love Throwing Up Our Hands and Saying “Come On Ref!”
Jews love expressing disappointment. It's part of our tradition. To all of the Rams and Bengals fans out there, half of you will be experiencing this.

We love the Super Bowl because it is a Jewish holiday and there is food. Even if it's Mexican. 
Super Bowl Sunday Sameach!

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.