July 4th got me thinking about America and food. Waking up gets me thinking about food. Let’s talk about food. Other than Kiddish, nothing is more American than eating massive quantities of food as fast as you can. For that, I thank America.
It was right before I moved to Israel, that I had the honor of competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Known to many as the Super Bowl of Eating, I always wanted to be a professional athlete. The one thing holding me back was my athletic abilities. Then I heard about Nathan’s contest, and I knew I had found my sport.
Here is the in-depth story, a very long story, an epic of passion, my story of competing as possibly the only Shomer Shabbat person ever in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. It all happened in LA.
 
The Competitor
It was around twenty-five years ago when the only kosher Nathan’s at the time was in Los Angeles. The competitor and proud Jew I am, I showed up ready to eat.
This was in LA. Not Yerushalayim. The Nathan’s in Jerusalem closed down, because they had the competition in Jerusalem and the whole city showed up for free frankfurters. Jerusalemites never had a high-class eating competition and they understood competition to mean on the house. Sometimes things get mistranslated in language. After three dogs, the local Jerusalem folk had the chutzpah to complain, ‘Stop, I’m already full… can you bag the rest, to go?... I’ll eat them later.’ Some even complained that they had the gall to bring out the food and to not offer them a seat and some sides. (Some of the closing of Nathan's in Jerusalem story, may not be true. But the story of David competing in the Nathan's competition, in LA, is.)
They didn’t just take anybody for the contest. I had to do well at the eating combine. It was a serious competition, and I had to pass the weigh in. At the time, I was well over two-hundred pounds and I was able to fit into an XXL shirt with no problem. I was accepted. They were worried, as I was forty-five pounds lighter than the closest competitor. And that was a high school girl. I had to. Thus, the story of David and Goliath. Or, David and Some Bikers.
 
Bigger Men
I was competing against bigger men, but I have taken down tougher men and women on the way to the choolante at Shabbat Kiddish. These men were not Sadie or Ethel. I was not frightened. Nothing was going to get in my way. I claimed my spot at the table, planted my feet and did not move; the same way I had done so many times while other famished people were trying to get to the herring after Shabbat services.

Ray 'The Bison' Meduna
Ray 'The Bison,' a man ranked number twelve eater in the world, due to his powerful jaws and lungs; even as an amateur, he claimed fame as the Texas State Kolache Sweet Dough Eating Champion. If they were kosher, he might have taken second. As I learned, Kolache is not a Jewish name. It's a pastry of sorts.
I went up against Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna. ‘The Bison.’ A man that could eat people if he chose to not be livestock. How can I compete? I was going against a beast. I’m not a rodeo clown. I don’t go up against bulls, bison. I have never went up against cattle. The strength it took for me to go up against him. A Talmid Chacham like myself to muster the power to eat?!
Note: Never say 'muster' in a hot dog eating contest. They end up not hearing you correctly and you're stuck with a jar of dijonnaise.

How to Compete with a Bison - Get a Nickname
I had to use tact. I tried psyching him out. I went up to his face, 'I am David "The Mensch" Kilimnick and I eat hot dogs with a fork, because I am a mensch. I don’t do Achilas Gasa (disgusting glutton eating), unless if there is a chance to win cash. Eating like an animal is forbidden.’
Nicknames are very important in the sport of competitive eating. There was ‘The Fireball.' There was ‘The Hornet’s nest,’ who people stayed away from, as he brought stinging animals with him. I believe he took his nickname a bit too far, with a nest as his mascot. But you knew ‘The Bison’ was scary, because he was willing to name himself something you eat as well, and the competitors do get hungry very quickly. When you can take down forty hot dogs at one sitting, you don't make for a good Shabbis dinner guest.
‘The Mensch’ nickname did not seem to intimidate 'The Bison.' He was not fazed by my antagonizing antics, as menacing as I was. ‘The Bison’ wasn’t competing for a place in heaven and he didn’t know Yiddish. The use of Jewish law and threatening him with inappropriate eating habits was not working.
He wasn’t concerned with Mitzvahs. He wasn’t a Jew who never ate at McDonald’s. He practiced there. He wasn’t playing for a fast-food meal that he never got. He didn't even worry about extra calories. He had a metabolism. He didn't have the Ashkenazi ancestry. He just ate and enjoyed. The movie Supersize Me, he thought that was an advertisement.
He then took the hot dog with his hand- Achilas Gasa. And I was worried.
So, I threw in a, 'You have bad Midot (character traits).' I might have went a bit overboard with the rebuke, but he was prepared. And he didn't understand what Midot means. Maybe I should try psyching him out next time with English.
He told me that he drank gallons of water the night before, just to extend his belly. I knew I was dealing with a superhuman. I can’t even drink a cup before I go to sleep. I’ll have to pee.

Doing it for Jewish Pride- The Kids
I had to muster. I was going up against people who never heard of Achilas Gasa. I had to find the strength from within. I have seen how much grass a bison can take down. I was once at a zoo and I saw a huge thing of hay. It was for one bison.
Whenever eating as much as you can, you have to think about who you are doing it for. Me? I am doing it for the children. The two Yeshiva boys who came out to see a Jewish hero. Two young growing lads who wanted to see what eating is like when your parents aren’t around.
I had to find strength. I looked to the book of Yehoshua, and I heard the words, 'Be strong and courageous.' So, I said, I am ready to eat.
Non-Jews think Jews can’t eat. They haven’t been to a Tisch. They thought I don’t have the makeup of an eater. They’ve never been to my parent’s house for Shabbis. They haven’t seen me at a wedding. Oh, I can eat. They haven’t seen me taking down sausages at a smorgasbord, placing myself right next to the waiter carrying the tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, at all times. Not easy, when they're moving around, trying to serve other people.

The Competition
I had a cause. I remembered why I was going to eat fifty hot dogs. I remembered who I was. I remembered the lessons I learned at Shabbis Kiddish. I was a hero. A Jewish Hero. For these kids, I was no longer an underdog. I was an inspiration. I was the ‘Mensch.' It really gets to your ego when you're an athlete and you have a nickname.

Start of Competitive Eating
After trash talking the competition, Jewish Style, I was neck and neck with Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna on the first four hot dogs. I could see Jewish pride on the two Yeshiva boys’ faces, gazing at the competition; reminiscent of Jews watching Sandy Koufax play baseball for the LA Dodgers in the 1960s. The resemblance was uncanny. I saw a future of young Jewish boys, full of newfound inspiration, thinking they too could be an athlete and eat like a mensch; knowing they too could fulfil their athletic dreams with saturated fats. I pride myself on being an inspiration.
‘The Bison’ and myself neck and neck, as the Yeshiva boys and crowd were cheering, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ Four hot dogs against four hot dogs, the first minute down, and then he kept on eating. Ray must’ve been trying to prove something. That was too much already. I was full. I needed a little schnapps.
The cheers kept on going, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ One biker was taking down dog number twenty-four. He heard them chanting, 'Munch! Munch! Munch!'
I kept on going for those kids. I was deflated when I heard twenty-four hot dogs, but I kept going for the Bachurs. A true Tzadik works with what he has, and I had heartburn.
 
It Was Rigged Against Jews
There is no place for a religious Jew in competitive eating. They said, 'On your marks, get set, go.' I turned to the announcer as he said the word ‘go’ and asked, 'Where is the washing station?' I had to do Nitilat Yadaim (pre-meal hand washing). I had to wash my hands before I eat bread. You have your pre-competitive eating rituals, I have mine. The competition included bread. You drink water to prepare, I pray to Gd that I won't puke. Not fair.
I didn’t want to sin by not washing my hands and Achilah Gasa. What was I to do? Wash and eat a little bread beforehand? Filling up on carbs, before the competition?

If You Compete, You Are A Winner - The Lesson
Eating is about competition. As seen at Kiddish, where I have learned so much about ensuring other people don't get food, only the strong survive.
What made me a winner, you ask. It was probably the way I scarfed down those first four dogs in record time, after I washed, to catch up to the competition. Winners don't complain about referees. They stopped me from using my elbows, used for keeping the other competitors away from the food; a technique developed at Kiddish, based on Fran Schwartz’s choolante approach. At the end of the eight minutes, I had taken down a good nine hot dogs. I was a winner after all. It was a decent lunch.
The competition didn’t include mayonnaise and chili, but I requested the toppings. If I was there already, I was going to get the works. It was a good spread. They said that it was the first time on American soil that anybody packed up the food and asked for a to go bag at the Nathan’s Contest. They said it reminded them of the competition they hosted in Jerusalem.

I am a Hero if that is the Ending
Did I ruin a couple of Yeshiva boys’ dreams, skipping class that day?! I might have. Even so, they learned a little Torah as they heard me telling Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna about Achilat Gasa. Maybe they are rabbis now, out there telling their students about a great Jewish legend who competed in the hardest of circumstances and washed his hands, like Sandy Koufax. Maybe they're playing baseball. Maybe they're bowling. Whatever they are doing, the story of inspiration lives on with those two kids who flunked out of Yeshiva.
One thing is for sure. Whatever they are doing, they will never let being overweight get in their way.
David ‘The Mensch’ lost the battle to ‘The Bison’ that day. If my opponent had been Goliath, I might have won. Nothing in the Bible says that Goliath was able to eat thirty-five dogs in one sitting, in eight minutes, with buns.

As I was carried off the stage. I couldn’t move. I was full. I had eaten too much. Being carried that day, I could still hear them cheering, 'Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!' It turned out that Nathan's wanted back the hot dogs I took.

That was the end of my career. I realized that competitive eating was not for me. With my Ashkenaz genes I would've got real heavy.

Postscript
I didn’t finish last. For those kids, I was first.
There was a twelve-year-old girl next to me. She was out real quick. After the third dog, she said she felt bloated. I understood her.

I believe some of those men got sick that day. In fairness, they brought out those trays. Huge trays of dogs. I didn't know who how many people they were thinking were going to show. There were only six of us. I don't know why eight industrial size trays were necessary. They couldn’t have cooked all of these hot dogs right. This all had me worried. I didn’t want to get salmonella.
I had a great effect on the future of competitive eating. Never before had competitors requested iced tea. It was always water. Now, the professional eaters enjoy their forty dogs with mayonnaise and a cold refreshing soft drink to wash it all down.

No elbows were allowed. That was not fair. You couldn't hit. My Kiddish table training would've given me the advantage. If violence was allowed, I believe I would've controlled at least three of the industrial trays.
If I was able to hit, and there was somebody walking around with the hot dog trays, I would've had a chance.
The point of the story: I would not have lost in Israel. My competition would have also gotten up to wash.
 
There is no more Kosher Nathan’s in LA. Was it me and the tray of dogs I took home? Maybe the other Jews caught on the next year and went for the free Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Luncheon.
 
We are working on a Jewish food eating competition. It will come as soon as we can afford all the to go bags.

To this day, people ask, ‘What’s the reason why David stopped eating?' I was full.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.

Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead.

We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads.

The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look.

We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong.

Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes.

Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them.
There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama.
(Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation...

It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for...
You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha.
It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny...
(21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes....
It's about rules and safety. And accountability.
(22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah...

All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility.
Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form...
Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish.

You treat people like slaves.
It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.'
And you wonder why your kids are nasty...
You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair.
Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat...
Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was...
Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul.

Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.'

The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning.

The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.'
You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot.

The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable.

It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin.
I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools.

We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become.

Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back.
That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years.
I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example.

These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans.

As I have learned over my many years in Yeshiva, the Super Bowl is a Jewish holiday. We will claim it as Jewish. Nobody is showing up to shul or learning Torah on Super Bowl night. Hence, it's a Jewish holiday, and there are traditions. Here are some of them.

Discuss How Jews Are Involved
If you know anybody at the game, you bring them up at the party.
A camera guy is a cousin of a friend's relative. Let the people know. It's tradition. A commercial actor who didn't make it in LA is in the background of a Super Bowl commercial. Let people know.
Nothing makes for more Jewish pride than saying there is a Jew there. Spotting a Kippah in the stands of a broadcast is Jewish pride. Note the Jew. The definition of Jewish pride is being able to say, 'I saw a Jew on TV.' It brings back memories of the pride I felt as a kid when I was watching two Jews fight on Springer with Yarmulkes on.

Make Somebody Jewish
Find a way to make somebody in the game Jewish. After going through the players and coaches, settle on the owner. As long as they're Jewish, it counts. Maybe a Niners fan is Jewish. The tradition is to say a Jew is involved.
Over the years I have learned to identify every Jew. As a Jew, I have learned to single Jews out of a crowd. If I wasn't Jewish, some might call me anti-Semetic. But I am Jewish, and I only do it to identify the bad athletes.
Turns out not the owners of the Chiefs or Niners are not Jewish. Though it makes the tradition harder, use that as a way to combat antisemitism. Tell your friends at work that Jews don't own everything, so they can find a different reason to hate us.
If finding a Jew is hard, find a Jewish connection. 'Mike Brown is a Christian Zionist.' Zionist is close enough to Jewish.
 
Figure Out Who Is Going To Win Based on Kabbalah
Somebody has to give a Dvar Torah. Somebody sharing words of Torah at the meal is tradition. They can't just sit and enjoy the game. They have to justify their watching the game with Torah, ruining the experience for me.
You can say something like, 'Eighty-eight in Gematria is the Hebrew Word for "Chief." There will be eighty-eight points.' We love predicting with Hebrew letters based on numbers. Now you can give a nice Torah speech at the party, and disrupt the game.
Note: The Kabbalistic prediction usually happens after the game. Don't use it to place a bet. Placing bets you'll lose is Asur.
 
Talk About How Much the Seats Cost
The commentators are pointlessly conversing about the catch made over the secondary. Why?! I want to know how much that guy paid for the ticket in the third row. That is more dramatic. Why are they not talking about Mark’s new business he opened and the Disney vacation he gave up for the seat in section 2A?!
Couple that with the conversation about how a half minute ad costs over five million dollars and you have fulfilled the requirement of the Super Bowl Seder.
 
Focus on the Commercials
...and the chicken wings.
What we will talk about on Monday. Not the game. I have never met somebody at shul who knew what happened in a Super Bowl. But they know what Dunkin' Donuts and State Farm did.
And watch the game during halftime. I don't know why. The game is not going on. It's tradition.

Prayer Break
Special mention to my devout brethren who don't watch the halftime show, as they don't want to end up in Gehenim for a football game.
The Maariv break is for the few Jews who understand the game. The ones that didn't grow up religious. They use the halftime opportunity to Daven. Fans of the Niners will put in a word to Gd on behalf of their favorite team. This of course assumes that H' is a football fan, which of course He is not. He is into cricket.
Note: The prayer break helps us if we're rooting for one of the teams. It focuses our Kavanah. 
 
We Eat
They tried to kill them, they lost, let's eat. I believe that's how it goes.

Set Up a Buffet
That's like a Kiddish. A Kiddish with brisket. Every Jewish holiday has brisket. Shabbis has chicken. Chagim have brisket.
And there is a tradition to have four bowls of guacamole.
If you truly are a fan and your team loses, question your faith, and eat more.

Stay Up in Israel
Stay up all night, till the students come to the rabbi and tell him that the time for the morning Kriyat Shema has come. I felt it was important to be blatenly obvious about the Pesach references. Jews should not be subtle at a holiday meal. I learned that from my aunt, who shares her politics while telling everybody else that 'we're not going to talk politics.'

Antisemitism
No Jewish event is complete without antisemitism. Robert Kraft made sure we will get our fill. A Tzadik.

In 2022 antisemitism rose and 2023 was even better.

In preparation of October 7th January sported terror attacks, and protests for Intifada are heard on college campuses. Intifada means kill people or we love peace, depending on who your news sources are.

In February, Israeli rescue workers are the first to volunteer to go to Turkey to aid with the devastation caused by the earthquake that took thousands of lives. News sources call the earthquake an Israeli Intifada.

Something about Bibi and the Israeli Supreme Court. Protests start. To quote one Israeli, 'Why should we have to miss out on hating Jews. We're people too.'

Leopoldstadt and Parade, two plays about antisemitism, win six Tonys. People love antisemitism. If it wasn't for people killing Jews, there would be no decent entertainment. Many communities who have lost their Jewish population in Europe and the Middle East have been trying to figure out what to do for entertainment. It has been hard to find something since there are no local Jews to beat on. Now, they finally have a musical to see.
Parade in its portrayal of the 1915 lynching of Leo Frank receives protests from Neo Nazis. To quote, 'It wasn't anti-Semitic enough. The music could've been more upbeat.'

Fake bomb threats reign down on Jewish organizations. The Iron Dome does not work against these.

Christie's auction house auctions off Nazi's jewelry collection. Surprised this bothers Jews. Another Nazi quote from this year: 'How are we supposed to make money?!'

Israel kicks off seventy-fifth year celebrations with cheers of, 'We hate Bibi.'

Jewish summer camps are even more expensive.

Israel and Saudi Arabia move ahead on Abraham Accord Peace Treaty. The world worries peace is a bad thing.

Lithuania restores Jewish synagogues. To quote: 'The new tinge of pastel colors on the facade will bring Jews back.'

Israelis are now allowed to visit America without a visa. Now Israelis are the only ones who can't get through the southern US boarder without an ID.

The movie Golda is released. Complaints of not enough Jewish devastation are heard around the world.

Still fights over the Israeli Supreme Court. Jews hate Jews even more. Everybody blames Charedim.

October 7th massacre, and cheers are heard throughout the Arab towns of Judea and Samaria and England.

We are all in a state of living through mourning. And now Jews like Jews again.

Turkey thanks the Jewish United Hatzalah workers who came to help them in their times of crisis, so that they can express their hatred of Israel and Jews in health.

College students around the globe can finally voice their hatred of Jews in a safe space.

Rally of Israel support in Washington DC brings 300,000 or 5,000 people, depending on who your news sources are. Jews pray for peace and mourn the death of innocent lives, or they pray for death to everybody, depending on who your news sources are. American politicians proclaim their support for Israel and vote later that day to not send Israel anything. 

'Humanitarian' is a new English word, meaning 'we hate Jews.'

Ivy Leagues are now focusing on courses that teach English as a first language, so that students and faculty can learn words like 'context.'
They have also created a new course on Middle Eastern Relationships. Classes will focus on correct phraseology, such as 'humanitarian,' 'disproportionate' and other words that mean 'we hate Jews.'

IDF takes out eight and half million Gazan residents, as reported by Hamas and the UN. Twelve million of them are babies.

Dave Chappelle still hates Jews. Tucker Carlson asks, 'Why not?'

Elon Musk visits Israel to try to figure out how a Ford Fiesta can cost more than a Tesla.

It turns out people still hate Jews. Jews are shocked by this.

Sports
At least in sports, when people attack Jews, it's not because they hate us. At least most of the time.

Jacob Steinmetz is orthodox and he plays baseball. That's exciting. An orthodox Jew doing anything other than learning, it excites us. Finally, people are starting to believe that Torah doesn't kill athletic abilities or personality. To quote one Rosh Yeshiva: 'There is something to shuckling.'
Israel even had a team that competed in the World Baseball Classic. And they won a game. Champions. To us Jews, winning a game is the definition of a champion. Our mothers told us so.
A Jew even makes the NHL. He is a champion. Hasn't played yet, but he's a champion. His mother is very proud.

The basketball star Domantas Sabonis is converting to Judaism. After he retires, he wants to own a team someday. [Tzachi, who reported this, hopes his report doesn't lead to more antisemitism. Tzachi wants to let everybody know that he loves his Jewish people and their money.]
Domantas even has Shabbat meals and posts them on social media, so that Deni Avdija can see what Shabbat looks like.

Israel takes third place in the FIFA under 20 World Cup. Meaning that little kids in Israel are getting better at soccer. Translation: Israel won the World Cup. We are the greatest in the world.

Israel takes gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics World Championships. The only kind of gymnastics that doesn't take athleticism
And the seventeen year olds took the European Flag Football Championship. This being after they had to forfeit Shabbat games. Now Jews have mastered flag football and floor hockey. Any sport that involves something that is not natural to the sport, such as a flag you have to pull or now ice skates, we are the best at. Jews are now looking to conquer the world in sports such as sponge bat baseball and crab soccer. We have already mastered paper football.

And Vikings kicker, Greg Joseph, wears cleats with Am Yisrael Chai on them. But not during a game. That was news. Somehow not wearing cleats that support Israel in support of Israel is news.
We’re just exciting the guy is in the NFL and he’s Jewish. That’s news every day. We were even excited when Julian Edelman was kind of Jewish.

And some Jewish guy got benched for being Jewish. We cannot confirm this story, but we're sure some college athlete should've got more playing time. His mother will tell you.
A Jewish mother will let you know, it's because of the antisemitism in sports.

INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
​
Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.

Scene 1
INT - BASKETBALL STADIUM - NIGHT

Rushing to their seats. Entering the stadium.

Shlomo: Got to get to our seats. We don't want to miss anything.

They sit down. Seats are high and far from the center of the court, behind the Hapoel basketball bench area. Not great seats. 

Shlomo: Do you see?

Mike: Kind of hard. The seats are a bit far from the court. 

Shlomo: Amar'e Stoudemire is wearing Tzitzis. 

Mike: Seriously???!!! He's wearing a Kippah. This is amazing. Kippah and Tzitzis. This is the best game I've ever been at.

We see Amar'e sitting on the bench with Tzitzis and a Kippah, in nice clothes (not a jersey).

Shlomo: Did Hapoel just score?

Mike: I have no idea. Amar'e put up his feat. He's wearing Shabbis shoes.
(Mike cont'd) Why is Amar'e not playing?

Shlomo: You can't play in his Tzitzis.

Mike: I get it.

Fans jump out of their seats and start cheering. Some of the fans are jumping right in front of Mike and Shlomo.

Fans Cheering: Hapoel Oleh Oleh Oleh. Hapoel Oleh.
(Fans continue cheering)

Shlomo: Did Amar'e just kiss his Tzitzis?

Mike: I don't know. I think said a Bracha on Gatorade.

Fan 1: Hapoel Aloofim. Zeeh best.

Mike (to Fans in front of them): Please sit.

Fan 2: I'm not even sitting in front of you.

Mike is looking towards the bench. Not the court.

Mike: You're obstructing our view. We can't see Amar'e. Please move.

Shlomo: Yeah. He's right there. Scootch. 

Fans Cheering: Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach. Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoyoy...

Shlomo: This is the best game I've ever been to.

Mike: A religious experience.

The fans are walking out. Hapoel Jerusalem fans are all cheering.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Shlomo: I have no idea. Amar'e had Tzitzis and Kippah.

Mike: Those were great seats. I would even pay to see him stand.

Mike turns to random fan.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Fan 3: I came to see Amar'e.

Shlomo: Great game.

Fan 3: I know.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY

Rabbi is giving Shabbis sermon and everybody is listening. Shlomo and Mike are sitting in shul.

Rabbi: And we are commanded to return to H.' It was the most inspirational thing I had ever seen. Amar'e Stoudemire had a yarmulke on.

Random Congregant: Did he play?

Rabbi: No. But he was sitting there with a yarmulke.

Shlomo: Inspirational.

Mike: I know.

They walk over to the rabbi as the rabbi takes his seat.

Mike: That sermon really touched me.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
It's more exciting to see Amar'e Stoudemire with a Kippah, on the bench, than to see him playing basketball.
Jews would pay thousands for front row seats to see an NBA player that's Jewish. It's almost as exciting as hearing somebody say 'Good Shabbis' on TV. It's about the religious experience. And most of the fans at the game missed davening Mariv with a Minyan.

Jewish people have forever been fans of the Super Bowl. That is the sport we love. Super Bowl. We take in Super Bowl. Most of us have no idea what football is, but we love the Super Bowl. We love the action. We love the atmosphere. There is cheering. We love it. Jews love to celebrate, and it sounds like a great dish to serve from, on the holiday.
Based on what I experienced again this year, here is what I know about why we love the Super Bowl.

Sunday Games
Every other sport has Friday night and Saturday games. The NFL is the only league that loves Jews and is not anti-Semitic. You can celebrate Shabbat and love professional football. That is why religious Jews don’t like high school football, college football, or badminton. You thought the football was a weird looking ball? Try adding feathers to it.

It is a Holiday
We love days with no work. This is why we love Shabbat and Passover. If we had to work on Shabbat, think about how many less Jews would keep it.
We would love football more if we got a day off in the middle of the week, and it was called Super Bowl Tuesday. Better yet, make it a three day Super Bowl Yontif.

There is Food
We go for the party, the dinner. At first Jews had no idea the Super Bowl was about football. They thought it was the celebration of the kitchenware the guacamole was being served in.
Last Super Bowl party I went to, most of the people had no idea there was a game going on. They were too involved with the dips. I later asked my friend about the game and he gave me a play by play about the spread, and how the potato salad went perfectly with the cold cuts.
Yes. There was brisket. It is a holiday.

Only One Day of Commitment
You can skip the rest of the season and still consider yourself a fan. It’s like not going to shul the whole year and then showing up on Yom Kippur.

Athletes and Serious Competition
As long as we don’t have to do it, we love it. It’s very relaxing seeing other people working hard and getting hit. 
It is good for our children to see these grown men flattening each other. These are the perfect role models to encourage our kids to stay in school and not get hurt. That is how you turn a child into a Torah scholar.

Two Armies Going at It
And the people being hit are not Jewish. It is like the old Jewish joke where the Jewish family is watching Ben-Hur and the mother is crying. The son tells his mom to not cry, as those are not Jewish people being eaten by the lions. A few minutes later the mother starts crying again. The son asks, “Mom. Why are you still crying?” His mother, all teared up, points to the screen, “That lion is not eating.” Great joke for the Super Bowl party. You can share it.

The Halftime Show
We love concerts. The show is the reason we watch the clock. Every Jew knows the two minute warning. It is imperative that everybody in the house hears that there is only two minutes left in the half, so that we know when the excitement of the five minute concert is going to start.
The halftime show is when everybody goes in to watch the game. We love entertainment that has nothing to do with the thing we came to see itself. Nothing is more exciting than going to a Bar Mitzvah, not having to listen to the boy give a speech, and seeing a band playing the whole time.

We Love Old Entertainers
Tradition. There is something about a laser light show with a geriatric entertainer that captures the imagination of our Jewish people. We love hearing thirteen different choruses, and no stanzas. Greatest show.
It’s the kindness of the Jewish people that gets us excited to see The Who, Paul McCartney and Bruce Springsteen coming out of retirement to perform on a stage for a couple of minutes, and to not finish a song. We understand, they're too old to finish a song. Their energy runs out.
We even like seeing a heavy 50 Cent. Something to do with enjoying a concert from a place of Rachmanis. 

Commercials
Anything to distract us from the Super Bowl makes the game more exciting for us. Food, singing, commercials. Anything but people throwing pigskin. We don’t watch the Super Bowl for that. It's not Frum. It's against our better Jewish senses, to watch a pigskin.
I've never heard a Jew talk about the game the next day. But they know everything that happened to the Geico gecko. That lizard is a hoot. He sounds like a British chap. Love it.
You have to respect Coke. The only company in the world still advertising when everybody is already drinking their drink.

Referees are Like Rabbis
We look to the referees for ordinances. It's a very religious experience for us. We like to see them in black and white, as that is more traditional garb. They are our rabbis, our leaders, the only older people in the vicinity to give a ruling. We listen to their decrees. Even when we don't agree with them, we listen to them. We have to.

Jews Love Tradition
We do the same thing every year. The same holidays, same prayers, same complaints about the rabbi. That's why we complain about the referee.
​The Super Bowl is also the same, every year. Right there on the field, Tom Brady. That is tradition. Tom Brady is still there in our hearts. A committed Jew, only played for Jewish owners. He may not be in the Super Bowl this year, but you will here somebody in shul talking about how great Tom Brady was, tomorrow.

There is a Jew Somewhere
That brings us Jewish pride. It may not be a player, but we will find a Jew to take pride in. It may the owner, it may be an announcer, it may be a fan sitting there with a Kippah. It is all good enough for Jewish pride.
We will find a way to make the Super Bowl Jewish, even if there are no Jews on the field. It could be a commercial that sells something that a Jew patented. Maybe even a commercial about something Jews like. We eat chips, and there was a chips commercial.
We will find a way to take pride in this Super Bowl, even if it is Cincinnati. I heard Jews talking about how Cincinnati and LA are cities with a fine Jewish history. If we have to go back two hundred years to find a shul there, we shall.
We love the halftime show, but if it was Yaakov Shwekey it would be so much better. Just seeing another Jew there. 

We Love Throwing Up Our Hands and Saying “Come On Ref!”
Jews love expressing disappointment. It's part of our tradition. To all of the Rams and Bengals fans out there, half of you will be experiencing this.

We love the Super Bowl because it is a Jewish holiday and there is food. Even if it's Mexican. 
Super Bowl Sunday Sameach!

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.