Announcements
Lactose intolerant members are asked to not come to shul this Shavuot. You ruin the holiday.
Nobody needs people who can't enjoy a cheesecake at shul. Nobody needs to feel like they need to go on a diet when celebrating. And nobody should say anything about the strawberry jelly topping, even if Mark needs to take off a few.
Nobody likes you.

We are open to new members. Everybody should know that they are welcome in our shul and they should feel comfortable. Our membership is made up of many odd people.

All night learning will be filled with classes, so that you can sleep.

Shavuot times are wrong. Please see the last notice we sent to be sure you have the times right. This bulletin is the last notice.

Class on how to not let your kids run up to the Bima in the middle of Davening will take place in the middle of services.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 1:46) 'The sum of all of those counted was six hundred and three thousand, five hundred and fifty.' And they are all dead... Yes. They all showed up to shul on time. And their kids did not run around the shul like it was the Shul Playhouse Funhouse...

They were part of the Jewish people. Now gone. Reuven, Shimon, Gad... All part of a people. A people who are supposed to carry on their legacy in this world... Dead. They're dead Bernie. Gone. Not alive...
I don't know what they did, Bernie. Maybe they didn't interrupt their rabbi's sermon. That's a legacy... Some may have been lactose intolerant. That may have been where the Jewish legacy of lactose intolerance started... They were not as odd as the members of our shul. They probably didn't let their kids run up during announcements... They watched their kids. That was part of their legacy. They were decent congregants. That's how they were able to count them. They didn't bother their rabbi all the time... They were accepting of all people. Even weirdos... That's what made them unique. Like our members. Different... Odd.

The tribe of Levi was counted separately... They were not losers...
(Bamidbar 1:47) 'Only the tribe of Levi, don't number, and don't reckon their sum among the children of Israel.'
Rashi teaches that 'The legion of the king deserves to be counted on its own'(Tanchuma). This is why I don't lead the congregation. I am better... I am working for H', and the congregants depend on me to count them for a Minyin. Do you not see the issue?... Half the time I'm in the office and I've got to reckon the annoyance of a member who wants a discount on dues...
It's like when the weirdos in our shul play baseball, we have fifteen on the field. Nobody cares, because none of us can catch a ball... The other teams count their players to make sure there aren't more than nine... Kind of like when none of our players were counted in the all-star game. None of our players made it.
They counted the good players separately... They were good. Not from our shul. 
I don't even think we have one Levite in the congregation... 

The other tribes were special too. Just not as special as the Levites. When you get a Yisrael Aliyah, you are not special. When the only special thing about you is an upset stomach... Being counted among Israel can be special. When they're responsible, it's special. When they show up to shul on time, they're special... You should have known the times would be wrong in the announcements... Showing up late is not special. It's annoying...
The kids are special. But they should not be running up on the Bima... You should be at that the Getting the Kids Off The Bima class... The class is now, to get you out of shul. So that we don't have to reckon you... Your kids wreck everything. Running around...

In this Olam, this world, we continue their legacy... They live in Olam Haba... I can't explain Olam Haba now. It's a place where nobody has lactose intolerance, and everybody can eat cheesecake. And even non-Levites are important.
All there. Receiving the Torah. The Torah we receive on Shavuot. We continue the Torah. Everybody is important in Torah. Even Simmy...

And if you would know when the Shiva is, you would show up late... It's all the time. The Shiva is the Shiva. The whole week. Shiva... It's called Shiva because it's Shiva. It's not called 3 to 4pm... It's called Shiva... No. You don't invite people. It's not a party. If I was inviting people, I would invite Levites.
My mom was special. A special Levite mother. One who lived the Torah and made everybody feel special. Even the losers. Every loser member of this congregation loved her...
Dead. All dead.

Rivka's Rundown
That was a dark sermon.

A lot of losers in the shul. The rabbi made that clear when he said 'different'. A bunch of lactose intolerant losers.
The 'nobody likes you' announcement had the dairy sensitive people up in arms.

Bernie truly wanted to know what each of the 603,550 people did for a living.

Shavuot all night learning went till 2am. To quote Hymie, '2am is all night.'

The times were wrong, even in the last email announcement, where they said to look at the last announcement. They had to announce the times in shul. Most people showed up too late for the announcement. According to the first announcement, they were on time.

Kids running up to Bima, where the rabbi speaks from, is a bit much.
The president of the shul was announcing the passing of a dear member and the kids were running up there. They thought the lectern was a slide. They were jumping all over the thing. One kid was swinging on the president. He thought the president was monkey bars. And as the president announced the condolences from the membership, not including Levites, one kid swung from the president's shoulder onto the side railing and yelled 'whippy.'
The class was placed correctly. We got the annoying parents out of the shul.

They are now handing out Aliyah donation cards. Mark swears he is never taking an Aliyah again. He exclaimed that he will not bless Gd over the Torah if he has to pay for it. 
On Monday, Mark showed up to the rabbi's office to bargain with the rabbi for cheaper Aliyahs. He tried getting a ten pass. The rabbi kicked him out of the office and let him know he's not a Levi.

The rabbi's mother went to Olam HaNishamot this week, and they still made him speak. He started crying mid-sermon. Who makes the rabbi speak in the middle of Shiva?! The board said he already took his vacation. He shouldn't have taken the vacation down to the Keys. He wasn't ready for the shock of losing a loved one. 
The sermon started as a downer. The rabbi truly misses his mom. Once he started berating Bernie, his touch came back.  Once the rabbi started putting down the congregants, he was at the top of his game.
Side Note: The Ahava sales last month were not where the rabbi wanted it. After Shiva, the rabbi started telling people how bad their skin looks. He added in that they can die from chapped hands. That helped the sales.

Nobody showed up on time to anything. Nobody knew to look at the last notice, which was the announcement sent to look at the last notice.

Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. 
We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs.

Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it.

The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis.

We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie!

What is everybody worried about?
(Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark.
 
And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating...

It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years...
The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak.
​
On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place...
We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer...

If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon...
It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. 
Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim.
You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition...

I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left...

And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel....
Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee.
Where is the money? 

Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz.

The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. 

When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics.
If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha.

Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit.
They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul.

AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. 
The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat.

The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.'

All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars.

They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini.

​BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk.

Act
The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves.

Problem
a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle.
b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go.
The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. 
c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves.
d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim.
e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest.
g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’
h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then.
i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality.
j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids.

Solution
a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic.
b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. 
c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic.
d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech.
e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. 
f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic.
g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other.
h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.'

When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day. 
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people.
Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester.

​Eat Fast
​Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast.
The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster.

Don't Talk
I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is.

Use Two Plates
Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables.

All Courses Are Meat
Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat.
Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat.

Bring Dessert for the Table
​I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique.
You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it.
Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food.
Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well.

There Are Other People
They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this.
Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that.

Take Food with You
You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. 
You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child.
For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. 
That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. 

​It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now.
Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante.

Announcements
Don't be a Chilul H'. We ask the members of our community to mow their lawns. It would appear that most of our membership is not aware that grass grows in the spring, even when it's on their front lawn.
A neighbor came to the rabbi and said they are starting to hate Jews because of weeds. Your dandelions are causing antisemitism. 
 
Lag BOmer marshmallows in a fire pit. That is the event this year. There will be no bows and arrows. As we learned last year, bonfires with bows and arrows is dangerous. Marshmallows makes the arrows more dangerous.
 
The Jazz Festival falls out on Lag BOmer. We want to thank the city council for finally scheduling something that works with our holiday. The Comedy Festival during Tisha BAv was not well attended by Jews last year, and the town board was offended.
 
No more creative Kiddishes. Just because it is somebody's Simcha, does not give them the right to serve vegetarian choolante. Due to the Berkman Kiddish last week, we have decided that all Kiddishes must either have meat or a full hot pasta buffet with cheesecake. 
As a community, we would like to take back our Mazel Tov on the Berkman Bat Mitzvah. The salad and beans brought happiness to nobody. Members are asking that the Berkmans return their gifts.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vaikra 21:17-24) A Kohen 'that has a blemish shall not come close to offer the food of Gd... nose has a bridge... one limb longer than the other...' Yes. Bernie. If a limb is longer than the other they can't do a sacrifice. If the hem is off a little, you're forbidden from bringing sacrifices... Yes. They are still Jewish. They just can't do the Kohen service.
'or who has abnormally long eyebrows... dry skin...' This congregation does not lotion themselves. The skin on this congregation. I can't even shake hands Good Shabbis. I say hi and I feel like I've got sandpaper rubbing my skin off my hand.
This congregation would have never been able to be Kohanim. I see the Kohens Duchen. The most chapped hands... Your hands are disgusting. I don't even think your blessing counts...

That should be the law. You can't sacrifice with dry skin, and you can't greet people Good Shabbis... I know you work in landscaping. You get home. You lotion up... It's not about you Sam. It's about the people you're saying Good Shabbis to.
Bad skin... Do you want skin falling into your Karban?! Chapped hands all over your meat...
In our shul, we should stop people without hand lotion from getting Aliyahs...

No. I know he has big eyebrows. Anthony Davis is not a Kohen...
Biggest putdown back in the times of the Beis HaMikdash were, 'You would be Pasul from Kehnuaship service.' That's offensive. The bullies would say that...

Kohens also didn't have ugly lawns. If they saw the Frankel's lawn, it would have been written, 'Kohens with lawns like the Frankels can't approach the altar.'
We should burn your lawn for Lag BOmer. That's how messed up it is… There is a community that is not Jewish that pays people to mow their lawns. They know you’re not a farmer... Your hands are soft and they're chapped.
It should look good... Things have to be done right. Kiddish should look good and tasted good. Everybody loves cheesecake Dr. Berkman... The Bat Mitzvah wasn't a Simcha. Nobody was happy...

If the Kohanim got the haircuts, you got last Lag BOmer, they would not be allowed to sacrifice. It looked like chapped hair... Dandruff. A lot of dandruff. You don't want that in your sacrifice either...
They could still eat of the sacrifices, unlike Metzora and Zavs. We will get into those people who couldn't even eat with their families next week... They messed up and they looked off...
If it was a Berkmans Kiddish sacrifice, no Kohen would want to eat it anyways...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Ugly people were offended when they heard they couldn't be Kohens. By the way, the Kohen family are not good-looking people. I don’t even think they’re Kohens.
After the sermon, everybody was trying to figure out if other congregants' sleeves were off a bit. They were trying to figure anything they could do to not give people Aliyahs. There is a lot of fighting for Kibudim (honors in shul). One guy stole the Anim Zemirot leadership for his son on Shabbat by telling the Gabai the other kid had a pimple.

I her Rachel tell Mark he would've never been able to bring a Karban. That hurt. I think that relationship is over.

The rabbi tried selling Ahava products at the end of his sermon. He told everybody there will be an Ahava showing on Monday at his home. He said it was to support Israel, but I think he's definitely getting a commission.

The marshmallows were a weak Lag BOmer experience. You can put hotdogs on a stick too. Everybody smelled disgusting for days after the marshmallow making. I didn't know smoke could smell that bad. It smelled great with the fire. Mixed with cotton, it's disgusting. And apparently, our congregants don't do laundry very often.
Three foot sticks is not enough. You need at least eight feet on your stick to get enough distance from the fire.

The cheesecake requirement made everybody happy.
The Berkmans sponsored the cheesecake Kiddish on Shavuot, to make up for their Bat Mitzvah follies. Their daughter, Leah, is now allowed to keep her gifts.

The Jazz festival was nice. Our Chazin didn’t sing at it.

I never experienced Lag BOmer in my life. It was my first year in Yeshiva and I already messed up counting the Omer on day two. I had no idea what day thirty-three meant. I didn't even know people were still counting at that point. One of the students in Yeshiva made it to day twenty-eight without messing up. We now celebrate him as a Tzadik. So, I did what most people do on Lag BOmer. I went grocery shopping. I needed dinner.

On My Way Back Home
I was on my way back from the supermarket when I smelled a fire in the woods. I ran towards it and noticed that kids were burning stuff. I saw flames flying high and kids playing right by the huge flames. I thought it should be reported. It looked dangerous.
More people came to the spectacle. Yet, nobody said anything. Just the opposite. They joined and commended the kids. Tons of people were around. They saw it. They did nothing. They saw kids running and pushing each other near the fire. They said nothing. Adults even started their own fire. All while the kids' fire got bigger and bigger.
I asked the children if they knew how to make a fire, as I was a Boy Scout. They said, 'No. Only non-religious people learn stuff like how to make a fire. We have Emunah. Belief in Gd.' And their belief in Gd showed, as their fire got even bigger.

More Fires
I saw more fires starting up.
I thought it was weird to see children burning doors and carpets, but they were in the fire. Household appliances made their way to the flames. Anything that could burn or melt made its way into the fire. It must have been a miracle of Lag BOmer. One of the groups of kids playing freeze tag near the uncontained fire ran out of wood, yet they kept the fire burning with artifacts from their homes.
It looked dangerous, but the kids told me it was a religious thing. They said, 'On Lag BOmer, you're supposed to make huge fires with cleaning products.' So, I felt safe. When they told me it was spiritual, I felt even safer around all of the huge uncontained fires.
One of the children showed me his oven cleaning spray. It said flammable on it, as well as danger. He threw it right into the fire, as it was flammable and the fire started dwindling a bit. And it exploded. A gigantic flame flew, and happiness was had. The pride that kid had when he got the desired result of burning something illegal was the kind of joy one can only have when connecting to Gd.
They went on tell me that it was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai.  Why Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai likes fires so much, I don't know.

What Should I do?
At the moment, I thought I should save their lives and put out the fire. Smokey Bear always taught me to put out a forest fire. Smokey Bear also said to not burn plastic. However, Smokey Bear was not a good Jew. He didn't know Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. And he didn't understand how important an uncontained fire is to help one connect with Gd.
I put down my groceries. I went to join in more fire parties. I was not a bystander anymore. Once I noticed the police joining in, I became an accomplice. An accomplice supported by the cops.
Is this legal? They were doing it for tradition. Hence, it is OK. Only in Israel do cops let you do things that could be illegal and unsafe if you are celebrating a holiday. On Sukkot, they let you run through the streets holding a sharp spear looking palm branch, facing out. Why? Because it is tradition. And the cops in Israel know that if it is tradition, it is safe.
What a beautiful country. In America, when you do something dangerous, the police make you stop. However, in Yerushalayim, they know what a Mitzvah is.

More Lessons
I learned the tradition of fires and kids running around them with bows and arrows. Some kids were running with knives facing out. That wasn't a tradition, but it was also dangerous. So, it represented the Emunah that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai had. What a beautiful Mitzvah?!

I turned around and my groceries were gone. The kids burned them. Bag too.

Follow-up Notes
At one point I saw a kid burning wood. I believe he ran out of plastic.
The following year I stood by my door. A kid tried to take it. I told him it belongs to my house. To help with his fire, I gave him a microwave that had broke.
One of the people told me that the fire was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Yahrzeit. Though I had lit a Yahrzeit candle before, I have a ways to go in my Emunah. I still don't feel comfortable lighting a bonfire on my kitchen counter.

Next year, we'll talk about my trip up north and how I made it to Mairon following fires.

From Pesach to Lag BOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer count, it is a custom to be in partial mourning. For this reason, people do not get haircuts, and many do not shave. Now, after the five weeks of no cutting from Pesach till Lag Bomer, for many Jews it is male haircut and shaving season. These are the shaving and cutting traditions and styles of Lag Bomer that you will see.
Please know, we will focus on men, as women get haircuts that look good.
 
The Number 2
This style is popular in Israel. The haircut is done by a barber who takes clippers and runs them over your head. After sitting there for a minute, the barber is done. The barber then makes it look professional by brushing the hair off the apron, and charges you twenty dollars.
The first time I got the Number 2, upon my Aliyah (move to Israel), I was crying. I told him, 'Number 2 is not a style.' I was wrong. The barber that cut my hair said it was. The barber then took the mirror and showed me the back of my head. He wanted to see me cry more.
As I left the barber shop, tears flowing down my face, I noticed a whole neighborhood of other people with shapeless hair. So, I know it is a Lag BOmer style. Possibly created in fear that there will be more mourning and months without haircuts. Some of the others might have got the Number 1. I am not sure.

The Number 6
When the barber puts clippers to your hair on the number six setting and cuts nothing off your head.
The Number 6 is an Israeli hairstyle, similar to the Number 2 hairdo. With the Number 6 though, the barber doesn't ruin your previous haircut..
 
The Grow Long
You do not get a haircut. This is a good money saving hairstyle. The Grow Long is for people who got used to not cutting or shaving, embracing the new lifestyle of relaxation and unemployment.
The Grow Long doesn’t work for balding men, like myself. That turns into the Ben Gurion look. And that leads to unemployment too.

Messy Hair
Started with Party of Five, this look has caught on amongst the young generation who doesn’t tuck in their shirts, shine their shoes, or have aspirations.
Due to Bitul Torah (time not spent learning Torah), this doo has become quite popular.
 
The Do It Yourself
This is also similar to the Number 2, just that the hairline on the back of the neck is crooked. I started doing this after I got a Number 2. I figured that I had the ability to move something from one side of my scalp to the other and charge for it.

The Head Covering Look
The big Kippah look is something you will see at this time of year. Many people get carried away with the shave cut, especially with the Do It Yourself. For this reason, and the Grow Long Gurion look, Kippahs become bigger. The baseball hat look is also very popular at this time of year, right after the haircuts.
 
The Side Shave 2
The side gets cut, but nothing is done to the top. This style started when a barber got lazy, put down the clippers and said, 'That’s enough…I’ve been working too hard.' At that point, when half the job was done and all the hair on top was still there, the barber told the person in the chair, 'This is the new style.' Now all the kids are doing it, calling it the Fade. For those who don’t know, saying 'that is the new style' is how all new styles start.
Got to leave the 2 on the clippers for the Payot (sideburns). You can make the religious look sound cool by telling people, 'It is the I got the haircut three weeks ago Fade look.'
 
The Step
That went out in the 1980s. Yet, it comes back every year at Lag BOmer.
The Step was a mistake. Similar to the Side Shave, the barber however doesn’t take the time to fix the error of undercutting the guy’s hair.
 
The Bald
This is the look that Ashkenazik men above the age of forty go for.

Though it is popular, the Male Hair Bun and Beard will not be seen when people go for their Lag BOmer shave. If anybody is going for the hair bun or Herzl look, this article is not relevant. Just let the hair grow and embrace heresy.