On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Liberals are left leaning. We lean to the left at the Seder. Leaning to the left. They both have that in common. If tradition would be to lean to the right on Pesach, he would've eaten a conservative portion of Matzah. A whole different pun. But the same amount of Matzah. Which brings us to unity. Left-wing and right-wing people eat the same amount of Matzah. It makes no difference who you voted for. What’s a lion’s favorite part of the Seder? MaRoar. (Mordechai) You get it? Maror is the bitter herbs we eat at the Seder. Roar with a Ma. Wanted to help you prepare for Pesach with a thought about lions to share at the Seder, when discussing the four sons and why we eat salt water. To bring some meaning to your holiday. Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It was hoarse. It had a sore throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish, but hoarseradish. If you didn’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true. The bird egg landing on his head and he said it was a blessing. "The yolk of Heaven." (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Religious people accept upon themself the yoke of Heaven. This was the yolk. Yolk of Heaven. The egg of heaven. Sometimes you have to try hard to get a pun. Never give up. What do you call it when somebody gives bread to the shul? A doughnation. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? People give donations. Here it's a doughnation, because there is dough. Sounds the same. It should be the person is giving uncooked bread to the shul. Could even be cake. A not fully baked cake. That would also be a doughnation. Money is sometimes called dough, so this pun has many meanings. Is it a doughnation of money? That's for you to decide. They were doing illegal substances on Lag BOmer around what they called their bongfire. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Bonfire. Bongfire. Smoking up. Stuff you shouldn’t be doing, even if it is Lag BOmer. Don’t do drugs. Sometimes, the message is more important than the pun. Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read. ***If we've learned anything, when reading puns, you can't always focus on the spelling. Only when the pun makes sense without the use of the pun, then you have to focus on the spelling. This I knows. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLV5/14/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.
The drying rack has been tinfoiled. I can now use it on Pesach.
Idea: Market Shmurah Matzah that comes not broken. Problem: I thought the $85 box of Matzah would come with one not broken piece. There must be a full piece at the factory, when they make them. All broken. They came all broken. I paid $85 for Matzah bits. They must be tossing around the Matzah in the factory before they ship it. Solution: Becky Bierman said we do have the technology. The Etrog wrapping can easily be used for Matzah.
That’s called taking a chance. I hope somebody in that building is packing. You don’t just put out Israeli flags and not expect people to hate you. And how do you mow that?… And you wonder why there’s antisemitism. It’s the little Israeli flags. It’s this support for Israel stuff. These people saying they like Jews. That’s what causes Jew hatred. And even more, to commemorate the loved ones we’ve lost. That just causes more Jew hatred. If Jews didn’t have Israel and shuls, there would be no antisemitism. Unless if somebody heard about Jews some other way. Like if they heard Jews were around somewhere shopping at a bodega, they would hate Jews… Turns out the anti-Semites who hate Israel didn’t know those were Israeli flags. They thought it was overgrown white and blue grass. Everybody is safe…
The Lag Bomer fire looked dangerous. Especially being that kids lit that uncontained fire out of everything they found in the house (the burning door is all that’s left). And then to see the kid standing less than a foot away, hanging out. Then, I learned about Emunah. Belief in Gd… Next Lag Bomer, I’m guarding my place. Making sure kids don’t get hold of my door or the cabinets. Is that the kid's shirt they're about to throw in?
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Announcements
This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim. Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280. We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner. Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim. We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans. The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything. Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers. How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name. Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha... I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure... Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka... (Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.” Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation... There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters. It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members... It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities... And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes... Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes... “The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked... These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them... People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul... Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel... Single person is $280... Then get married... $330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day... I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast... Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner? It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now... Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people... What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations. The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated... You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you... You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable. Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part. If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration... No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood... Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there. (Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy... (Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better... Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more... And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks... Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked. We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter... Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing. And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate. “And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone... But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up... Rivka's Rundown I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness. Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?” Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes. The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul. Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching. I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart. It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field. By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken. The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty. Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter. The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence. It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring. I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people. The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul. Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer. The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form. That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun. The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays. We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in. The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked. The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists. Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner. Tags:
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Don't ask. It's an eclectic group of AI Chasidim.
It was Lag BOmer. I had to go to Meiron. It's Lag BOmer. I have to get to the Kever, the grave, of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. I heard about it. I had to go.
There is nothing I love more as a Baal Teshuva than Lag BOmer. And spending Lag BOmer in Meiron is extra Chozer BTshuva glory. The more I see people with Payis jumping, the more connected I feel to Yidishkeit. Like the pictures of Jews my parents had in the den, the one-legged Chasidc dance connects me to Frumniosity. Whoever that artist is, he instilled in me an idea of what Chasidim do. And that's dance on one foot. Not sure if they learn Torah. I definitely know they dance on one foot. And there is no place better to see Chasidim dancing than at the grave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. The Rashbi. So, I made my way to Meiron. I decided travel to the north of Israel by bus, from Yerushalayim. I wanted to experience Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Hillula with my people. And that means with the cheapest form of transportation. Traveling to Merion, I felt like I was part of the nation, our Am, leaving Jerusalem for the pilgrimage festival of Lag BOmer. The fourth of the pilgrimage festivals. The Chag not mentioned in the Torah. The one we leave Yerushalayim to celebrate. Along with Pesach, where we go up to hotels outside of Jerusalem, which cost less. When you're going to a community event, you go with community. So, I sat on the bus next to a beautiful Jewish soul who hadn't showered. I could smell the Kedusha. The holiness. What is known as the Avira DAra, the atmosphere of Israel. And it was all coming from the guy sitting right next to me. I was surrounded by the aura of Kedusha. The bus route was amazing. We passed every fire in Israel. Towns on fire and people were fine with it. We passed through Bet Shean where they decided to burn the guy's mattresses. Might have been his home at the start. I don't know. But all of the holy Jews were celebrating. People with Payis were jumping. Why we didn't just take the faster route by way of the highway is still something I ask. Yet, it was a chance to bond more with my nation. A chance to see holy towns of Israel on fire. A beautiful sight for a Jew. Especially a Jew who is growing in his connection to his people. We finally got to Merion. Which meant there was another bus. There was a bus from the bus. Mamish. Amazing. Gishmack. More buses. More connecting with my people who haven't showered now for eight hours, since they started dancing to celebrate the Rashbi's demise. Then I caught another bus from the bus from the bus, which then leaves you off, so you get to walk to where you need to go. Gishmack We made it to the party. I was at the gates of Meiron. All of our Chasidic brethren celebrating. Dancing. Jumping. Payis flying. Selling stuff. Booths everywhere. It was like homecoming on campus, just that people had clothes on. They had falafel booths where they served falafel for money. I learned that Jewish carnivals have falafel. Even if were celebrating the Jews of Spain, it's falafel. I’ve learned much in my few years as a religious Jew. All Jewish events have falafel somewhere. They had a Tehillim booth to remind us that things are not good. And that made me feel even more religious, as I celebrated through feeling bad. Chabad rabbis were there. Chabad rabbis love booths. I remembered the Matzah factory booth and the shofar making booth. But it wasn't Pesach or Rosh Hashana. It was Lag BOmer. So, the rabbis had a fire making booth. The coolest booth I ever saw, until the Meiron fire department shut it down. Many of us Frum Jews were mad, as the fire department and Merion policemen didn't express the same Emunah, belief in Gd, as the Chabad rabbis. You could tell by the fires we passed on the way to Merion, the fire department in Bet Shean had much more Emunah and Bitachon bH' than their colleagues in Meiron. It might have been that they were making small fires in a wood booth. Waiting for us was food. Food booths. Menschim doing Chesed. Acts of kindness for those who can’t afford falafel. Feeding people who forgot to bring food on a full day’s trip. I was blessed to enjoy the Israeli Frum event food. Rugulach with a thin layer of a chocolate looking stuff painted on, hard dust cookies, and coffee made out of Botz. Made the traditional way, with mud. Religious Israelis drink coffee the way Moshe Rabbeinu drank it. Traditional coffee, before South America was founded. I love mud coffee. As I learned, the Mesorah, tradition is to dunk the hard dust cookie in the coffee. And so I did, and I lost the thing. The cookie broke off. It was gone. Religious Jews in Israel don’t travel with food. They show up and eat hard dust cookies. Oh. How I've come to love hard dust cookies with a that solidified neon jelly looking thing on the inside. It’s what religious Jews eat in the Beit Midrash, and it is what we eat at festivals. Then we saw religious concerts. That means Shwekey. Or somebody else who sings like Shwekey. Such an amazing experience. I continued and saw more fires. And nobody had to follow fire code, unless if they were a Chabad rabbi with a booth. It was Mardis Gras for Frum Jews. Which meant no floats and the bands were stationary. And nobody was drinking cocktails like the Hurricane. Everybody was drinking schnapps. Straight schnapps. I learned that Frum people drink schnapps, because schnapps sounds Jewish. After the bus and working my way through the concerts and the crowd, dancing with every Chasid, and walking through fire, and getting stopped by every person who asks for money in Israel - I believe I met them all, which is a Mitzvah - Fifteen hours later, I pushed, I grabbed, I did not make it to the Kever. Conclusion Yidishkeit, being a Frum Jew, is about the journey. Chagim in Israel are not about making it anywhere. It’s about being there. That is the holy experience of any Chag. It's the journey to Yerushalayim. It’s the journey to Meiron. It’s the journey to a hotel in Florida to save money and not be in Jerusalem for Pesach. As long as you have Chasidim dancing somewhere, my mom would say it’s Jewish. And she’s right. I was at the gates of Meiron. Finally, I was at the gate. The real gate this time. There are a lot of gates in Meiron. It turns out the last gate I was at was the gate to some guy's house. I finally made it to Meiron. Effort pays off. I was there and I did not make it the Rashbi's Kever. It was packed. It turns out that I couldn't make it past the last group of Chasidim dancing. The pictures in the den don't show how crowded the dancing can get. Then I took the bus back to Yerushalayim. It took six hours to get out of Meiron. At that point, I was just annoyed and asking myself why I didn’t take a car. It was then I started questioning how much Avira DAra I can handle. For the first time in my Frum journey I thought, “Maybe I should be a little less religious. Maybe a bonfire and some Tehillim is a good enough way to celebrate. Maybe I don’t need to be on a bus for fifteen hours to connect with H’.” And then I got home and promised myself I would go back to Meiron next year, and make it my Minhag. My tradition. Tags:
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Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun. The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education. The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool. What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai) You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this. How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai) You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth. A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed. Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children. Tags:
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Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.
It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook. H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing. According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by. When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family. Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision. All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school. Tags:
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.
Me on a date. Never sacrifice enjoyment when there’s meat on a bone... She took the picture. I asked her to. It was an excellent rib. I should have never let her go. She was definitely good at capturing the moment on camera.
That’s how you make a child cry on Lag BOmer... That is not a barber. Rebbes should not be cutting hair. There is no Gemara on cutting hair without leaving a cowlick.
They’re going to convict him for visiting the Kotel. They haven’t done that yet. They’ll definitely get him for that letter in the Kotel. Slipping classified documents into the wall. (Photo: Matty Stern/U.S. Embassy Tel Aviv)
Squatting at the Kotel. Just wrong. I hope they've left since Tisha BAv... And then the lounge chair. Were they having a picnic at the Kotel?
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Announcements
We need more people involved in services. The Chazin cannot coach us as to where we are in the services. It looks off when our Chazin change his voice to announce pages. The shul is collecting the Yom Kippur pledges. The appeal cards have flipped tabs. You will be charged for them. It wasn't a questionnaire. Gamblers Anonymous meetings will take place in the shul so that people can pay their dues and pledges. It seems members are losing their money once they leave shul. Lag BOmer bonfires are not safe when our members run them. Next year, we’re bringing Boy Scouts or any person that is not a member of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. Capable people we trust. The Memorial Day program was meaningful. We want to thank those who served that are not on the board. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Pay Your Pledge and Your Dues, Even if You’re a Member of the Shul. How Board Members Serve Nobody. How to Be an Incapable Member of a Shul (special guests serving as examples will be our president and board members). Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. It’s not the end of the Torah. It’s the end of Sefer Vayikra... We still continue reading the Torah. It doesn’t stop... Do you not like the Torah?! Is this a casual thing to you? Something you spit on??? (Vayikra 26: 14-16) ‘If you don’t listen to me and don’t do these Mitzvahs. And if you consider my decrees loathsome... then I will do the same to you...' Being on time to your business and skipping Minyin is not a Mitzvah. You can't create Mitzvahs. Mitzvahs are commandments from H'... Taking the family to Disney World for winter break is not a Mitzvah. Paying your dues would be, if you did... H' is telling us there is a reciprocal relationship... I know you come and eat at Kiddish and don't pay your dues. That's an issue, Rachel. It shows you don't value it... H’ will make us loathsome. We’ll get burning fevers. If that doesn’t work. The land gets hit... H' has to take it to the next level. It's the same with the board. If they don't listen to me, you get a messed up wicker looking motif at the Aron... No. You use Jerusalem stone. There is a reason every shul does it... I get a burning fever every time I look at the ark... Maybe it's anger. I don't know. I do know that it feels like our land. Our shul has been destroyed... If you don't visit the sick, you'll get sick. I'm just trying to get you to be decent people. Maybe to keep a Mitzvah. To do a good deed. To give your rabbi a raise... Still don’t listen, and behave towards H’ with ‘casualness’ you’ll end up eating your children’s flesh (26:29). Well how about that one?! It's reciprocal. You treat people like the board, you get a messed up shul and you get a Kiddish with no Kichel. No Danish. No Kugel. No choolante. Just people... If there was no Kugel at Kiddish, I am sure many in our congregation would go cannibalistic... I've seen how you attack the egg salad, Bernie. Animals... Yes. There is accountability in the Torah. I know that doesn’t speak well to the parents of this shul who think it’s OK for their kids to take all the Danish at Kiddish. It's a relationship with H'. And that is made stronger with decent potato Kugel. There are levels to the punishments. H’ is very creative. We’ll even lose the Mikdash (Temple) and the land will become desolate. I think I have received the highest level of punishment. Being a rabbi to you. Then what... (Vayikra 26:36-39) Survivors will flee from enemies. ‘They will stumble man over his brother like running from the sword, but there is no pursuer...’ Kind of like our softball team. I pray we have a better year this year. We got embarrassed by Beth Tikvah and Yankel. When you get embarrassed by Yankel... You weren't running the bases, Baruch. You ran home. You ran to your house. Nothing is worse than fear. You will run from nothing... Bernie is just clumsy. Rashi teaches (26:37) You will have fear. ‘This one will stumble over each the other’s sins, for all of Israel is responsible for each other.’ We have fear when we're not together. When you can't get a Minyin and everybody is trying to pull in people off the street. Chaos. Fear... It's because you don't care about your brethren and sistren. Do you know how many times I've stumbled over Ethel talking about Sadie??? Sin. How many times I've stumbled over Mark, who can't pay his dues because he's playing Blackjack... You know who H' keeps His covenant with. It is our soldiers. They don't run in fear. They care about their brethren and sistren. They are responsible for their nation. When you're responsible for others, you value them. You value H' and His Mitzvahs... Because you care about the nation, Bernie. You pay dues, Mark. You understand that Sadie can be annoying too. I get it Ethel. But calm down. Sadie has a right to love wicker... I can't stand the new wicker facade. It is truly causes hatred. Respect what is being done, or it won’t respect you. People have to help out a bit. That’s how you show Kavod. We got the Gabai doing everything. Leading services. Announcing pages. Getting other people to lead services- which is him... Do you just ask yourself to lead... You're a Gabai. Stop trying to sound like a Chazin... Pavarotti never turned to his audience, ‘See page five in the pamphlet... Ahhhh.’ It sounds off. And you don’t even have a good voice. Be one who cares about their people, and you will not be casual to H'. You won't be casual to your shul... We're not in Israel. You don't wear jeans on Shabbis... Give something. You don’t even pay dues. Maybe pay your pledge... Somebody flips your tabs every year???!!! There's a tab flipper who is responsible for the phantom pledges... It’s a pledge. Pay it... Nobody in the office was flipping the cards. What are these pledge cards used for anyways. When was the last time somebody paid one of these?... Yes. I am asking our president. He hasn't paid it either... There are gambling issues in the shul. You gambled on the new awning. And you gambled on the new wicker motif. A bad decision. And one that has caused punishment... I feel punished... Lag BOmer was not a punishment from H'. That was just the inability of our membership to contain a fire. We will try to contain the fire next year, to not set the badminton net ablaze... No. We don't trust members of this congregation. Serving on the board of our shul has done nothing for our country. That’s why we don’t honor you. You have shown no responsibility. A desecration to H'... I hate the board... (Vayikra 26:40--46) When we confess our sins, H’ will bring us back to our land. He never fully forgets us, for He keeps his covenants. Unlike the Gabai of our shul who can't get a page right. We must confess our sins. If we can get the president of the congregation to come up here right now... Just keep the Mitzvahs for crying out loud. Every sermon, I have to tell you to keep the Mitzvahs. If there was a punishment maybe you would act right. You wouldn't be causal with H'. There wouldn't be Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah dress down Saturdays... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi finally said it. 'I hate the board.' They were so excited when they heard the book was finished. They though they would come to shul and never have to hear the Layning again. They thought Torah reading was over and they would be able to have Kiddish a half hour early every week. I think it’s the Layner that kills the shul experience for everybody. It's like hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy every week. Those kids take all the Danish. Every time. And they don't even eat Danish. They think it's a big cookie and then get their hands full of whatever that filling stuff is. Then Kiddish is spent cleaning their hands. When the rabbi spoke about eating their children's flesh, the congregants didn't even bat an eye. They were thinking their kids took the Danish, they can't eat that now. It comes off wrong when the one guy does it all, announcing the pages and going Chazanish. It's like they're punishing me. I’m not paying the Yom Kippur Appeal tab. The shul should know people don’t pay those donations. That’s taking advantage of people who are in an emotional state, praying for their lives. That’s exploitation of Teshuva. A conspiracy of appeal card fraud took place. I heard that behind the scenes the shul had its office staff flipping the tabs. Gambling issues are big. They brought a casino to the community. The shul couldn't even have the casino night fundraiser last year. People said they would rather give their money to the Siatica Casino. To quote, 'The chairs at Siatica are much more comfortable than the shul's pews. You want to sit there for longer. It's because Siatica cares about us.' Lag BOmer was messed up. Couldn’t get the fire started. Then they did and it was a situation. Badminton went up and we had to call off the Upsherin when the child's hair caught on fire. Board members wanted credit for serving. The chutzpah. Like they’ve served their country by making decision as to when to close the parking lot before Shabbis. Like they served their congregation by putting up wicker around the Aron Kodesh. Thank Gd there are no soldiers in our shul. A shul of very lazy people. A covenant of laziness. The membership keeps that covenant. When the rabbi said, ‘For crying out loud,’ it said it all. That made the point. Tags:
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Again. Killing a decent hairdo to ensure the girls wills stay away till their ready for a Shidduch.
Lag BOmer has many beautiful traditions. One that has been adopted by many communities is the Upsherin. Based on the tradition of Isaac Luria, the Sephardic community calls it a Chalakeh. Which cannot be pronounced in English.
In much Chassidic tradition, the first haircut of a child is done once he reaches three. Many save the date of the haircut for Lag BOmer, so that the child will hate this day forever. Upsherin, meaning 'to shear off,' is the term for this tradition as we view young boys as livestock. The tradition is to make the three-year-old child cry in front of all the onlookers. This is effectively done by having the whole community stand there while the young boy sees scissors, or two huge sharp knives, coming at his face for the first time. This first time experience of sharp pointy metal going for the skull of the child ensures that the child will shed tears and not complain about his long hair for the next three years. The day of Lag BOmer is one of Simcha, and nothing brings more joy to the Jewish people than seeing a young boy cry. The community sees it as very cute. Some irresponsible communities have individual members of the community each cutting a lock of hair. Seeing more individuals with scissors teaches the child to be scared of community members. This will help him if he ever becomes a rabbi. This is where the tradition of shaving the head that many Chassidic communities have comes from. Firstly, these non-barbers have no idea what the size of a lock is. It's very complicated to figure out a lock. It's a feeling. After many cases of messed up hairdos and random locks sticking out of children who just got dressed in a suit for the first time, the rebbes came up with a tradition to get rid of all the hair. Shloimy would take one lock, Yankel another, Feivel another. Next thing you know you have a kid walking around looking like a clown. Thus, most Chassidim now shave the hair and leave Payis. It made this whole tradition much easier to explain to the wives who were shocked when their husbands brought their beautiful children home looking like homeless drug addicts with a butchered head. One child who had no idea why there were so many people taking locks off his head offered some of the Kehillah members a rabbit's foot. Along with the Upsherin the boy begins his education. Letters of the Torah are covered in honey and the boy reads the letters while licking the honey off them. The rabbis figured that if the child can pull this feat, learning without being forced to eat the page will be easy task, setting the child up for success. This is why many religious Israelis have a lisp. It's very hard to pronounce letters while licking them. While this is done, some kids sing 'Torah Tziva Lanu Moshe...' 'The Torah that Moshe commanded to us, a heritage of the Kehilah of Yaakov' (Devarim 33:4). This helps take the kids mind off the fact that he is being attacked and allows him to question where the Mitzvah comes from to ruin a child's hair. Some donate the hair for wigs, as long as it was not used for idol worship. Others weigh the hair and give charity in the amount that it is weighed. At the Upsherin I was at, they weighed the hair in kilos and gave that many Agurot. One fool suggested they weigh in ounces and give shekels. That fool was ostracized. The charity for hair tradition that some began has also led to people leaving longer Payis. Skver, Chernobul and Gur perform the Upsherin at two years of age. The tradition of two comes from when Yitzchak was weaned. They found a way to give less money to Tzedakah. That extra year of non-grown hair saves the people money. Some Sephardic do the Chalakeh at age five. They don't know about the tradition to give charity. Many go to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Kever in Meron for the Upsherin and Chalakeh on Lag BOmer to get the free haircut. Now, many also practice this at Rabbi Akiva's Kever in Tiberias or Shimon HaTzadik's grave in Yerushalayim. After many years of traveling to Meron, they realized that they were losing money on the gas. It killed the whole free haircut idea. Many connect the tradition to Orlah. For the first three years one may not eat of a new tree. They compare the kid to a tree that bears fruit. Now the child is ready to give, to practice Mitzvot. At least they can start picking up their Lego. Tags:
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That looked dangerous. Then, I learned about Emunah… I think it’s an ancient Jewish Native American ritual. (torah-box.net)
I never experienced Lag BOmer in my life. It was my first year in Yeshiva and I already messed up counting the Omer on day two. I had no idea what day thirty-three meant. I didn't even know people were still counting at that point. One of the students in Yeshiva made it to day twenty-eight without messing up. We now celebrate him as a Tzadik. So, I did what most people do on Lag BOmer. I went grocery shopping. I needed dinner.
On My Way Back Home I was on my way back from the supermarket when I smelled a fire in the woods. I ran towards it and noticed that kids were burning stuff. I saw flames flying high and kids playing right by the huge flames. I thought it should be reported. It looked dangerous. More people came to the spectacle. Yet, nobody said anything. Just the opposite. They joined and commended the kids. Tons of people were around. They saw it. They did nothing. They saw kids running and pushing each other near the fire. They said nothing. Adults even started their own fire. All while the kids' fire got bigger and bigger. I asked the children if they knew how to make a fire, as I was a Boy Scout. They said, 'No. Only non-religious people learn stuff like how to make a fire. We have Emunah. Belief in Gd.' And their belief in Gd showed, as their fire got even bigger. More Fires I saw more fires starting up. I thought it was weird to see children burning doors and carpets, but they were in the fire. Household appliances made their way to the flames. Anything that could burn or melt made its way into the fire. It must have been a miracle of Lag BOmer. One of the groups of kids playing freeze tag near the uncontained fire ran out of wood, yet they kept the fire burning with artifacts from their homes. It looked dangerous, but the kids told me it was a religious thing. They said, 'On Lag BOmer, you're supposed to make huge fires with cleaning products.' So, I felt safe. When they told me it was spiritual, I felt even safer around all of the huge uncontained fires. One of the children showed me his oven cleaning spray. It said flammable on it, as well as danger. He threw it right into the fire, as it was flammable and the fire started dwindling a bit. And it exploded. A gigantic flame flew, and happiness was had. The pride that kid had when he got the desired result of burning something illegal was the kind of joy one can only have when connecting to Gd. They went on tell me that it was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Why Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai likes fires so much, I don't know. What Should I do? At the moment, I thought I should save their lives and put out the fire. Smokey Bear always taught me to put out a forest fire. Smokey Bear also said to not burn plastic. However, Smokey Bear was not a good Jew. He didn't know Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. And he didn't understand how important an uncontained fire is to help one connect with Gd. I put down my groceries. I went to join in more fire parties. I was not a bystander anymore. Once I noticed the police joining in, I became an accomplice. An accomplice supported by the cops. Is this legal? They were doing it for tradition. Hence, it is OK. Only in Israel do cops let you do things that could be illegal and unsafe if you are celebrating a holiday. On Sukkot, they let you run through the streets holding a sharp spear looking palm branch, facing out. Why? Because it is tradition. And the cops in Israel know that if it is tradition, it is safe. What a beautiful country. In America, when you do something dangerous, the police make you stop. However, in Yerushalayim, they know what a Mitzvah is. More Lessons I learned the tradition of fires and kids running around them with bows and arrows. Some kids were running with knives facing out. That wasn't a tradition, but it was also dangerous. So, it represented the Emunah that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai had. What a beautiful Mitzvah?! I turned around and my groceries were gone. The kids burned them. Bag too. Follow-up Notes At one point I saw a kid burning wood. I believe he ran out of plastic. The following year I stood by my door. A kid tried to take it. I told him it belongs to my house. To help with his fire, I gave him a microwave that had broke. One of the people told me that the fire was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Yahrzeit. Though I had lit a Yahrzeit candle before, I have a ways to go in my Emunah. I still don't feel comfortable lighting a bonfire on my kitchen counter. Next year, we'll talk about my trip up north and how I made it to Mairon following fires. Tags:
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Lag BOmer Haircut Styles5/4/2023 
Must be an Upsherin... This is why I don't trust rebbes with haircuts. Every time the kid's hair is long and beautiful. Then after the rebbe cuts it, it's all the sudden short and shapeless... You can see the Hatzalah guy in the background, just in case the kid cries. I cried when I got a Number 2.
From Pesach to Lag BOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer count, it is a custom to be in partial mourning. For this reason, people do not get haircuts, and many do not shave. Now, after the five weeks of no cutting from Pesach till Lag Bomer, for many Jews it is male haircut and shaving season. These are the shaving and cutting traditions and styles of Lag Bomer that you will see.
Please know, we will focus on men, as women get haircuts that look good. The Number 2 This style is popular in Israel. The haircut is done by a barber who takes clippers and runs them over your head. After sitting there for a minute, the barber is done. The barber then makes it look professional by brushing the hair off the apron, and charges you twenty dollars. The first time I got the Number 2, upon my Aliyah (move to Israel), I was crying. I told him, 'Number 2 is not a style.' I was wrong. The barber that cut my hair said it was. The barber then took the mirror and showed me the back of my head. He wanted to see me cry more. As I left the barber shop, tears flowing down my face, I noticed a whole neighborhood of other people with shapeless hair. So, I know it is a Lag BOmer style. Possibly created in fear that there will be more mourning and months without haircuts. Some of the others might have got the Number 1. I am not sure. The Number 6 When the barber puts clippers to your hair on the number six setting and cuts nothing off your head. The Number 6 is an Israeli hairstyle, similar to the Number 2 hairdo. With the Number 6 though, the barber doesn't ruin your previous haircut.. The Grow Long You do not get a haircut. This is a good money saving hairstyle. The Grow Long is for people who got used to not cutting or shaving, embracing the new lifestyle of relaxation and unemployment. The Grow Long doesn’t work for balding men, like myself. That turns into the Ben Gurion look. And that leads to unemployment too. Messy Hair Started with Party of Five, this look has caught on amongst the young generation who doesn’t tuck in their shirts, shine their shoes, or have aspirations. Due to Bitul Torah (time not spent learning Torah), this doo has become quite popular. The Do It Yourself This is also similar to the Number 2, just that the hairline on the back of the neck is crooked. I started doing this after I got a Number 2. I figured that I had the ability to move something from one side of my scalp to the other and charge for it. The Head Covering Look The big Kippah look is something you will see at this time of year. Many people get carried away with the shave cut, especially with the Do It Yourself. For this reason, and the Grow Long Gurion look, Kippahs become bigger. The baseball hat look is also very popular at this time of year, right after the haircuts. The Side Shave 2 The side gets cut, but nothing is done to the top. This style started when a barber got lazy, put down the clippers and said, 'That’s enough…I’ve been working too hard.' At that point, when half the job was done and all the hair on top was still there, the barber told the person in the chair, 'This is the new style.' Now all the kids are doing it, calling it the Fade. For those who don’t know, saying 'that is the new style' is how all new styles start. Got to leave the 2 on the clippers for the Payot (sideburns). You can make the religious look sound cool by telling people, 'It is the I got the haircut three weeks ago Fade look.' The Step That went out in the 1980s. Yet, it comes back every year at Lag BOmer. The Step was a mistake. Similar to the Side Shave, the barber however doesn’t take the time to fix the error of undercutting the guy’s hair. The Bald This is the look that Ashkenazik men above the age of forty go for. Though it is popular, the Male Hair Bun and Beard will not be seen when people go for their Lag BOmer shave. If anybody is going for the hair bun or Herzl look, this article is not relevant. Just let the hair grow and embrace heresy. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album X6/9/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim, Shavuot and any other holidays in between, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he cheats the falafel system by loading up the salads.
This is why Jewish summer camp is dangerous, and I stay inside on Lag BOmer. Jewish kids with bows and arrows... And the counselor is standing there watching, as if these kids with weapons is OK... My take on all of this is that kids shouldn't be practicing archery when we have guns... The biggest issue with this picture is that kid in the background. (Photo: iaujc.org/choosing-jewish-summer-camp - these parents chose the dangerous one)
Respect for our members of Hatzalah. What these guys are willing to do to drive a car on Shabbis... That guy on the right looks too comfortable to save anybody. The guy on the left is the one I would want showing up. He’s got more keys, and that’s the sign of a Hatzalah man that knows what’s going on... I respect them stopping and posing for the picture. It’s a great photo. I just hope the guy they were on their way to made it. (photo: Hatzalah.org)
They don’t let me serve myself at the all you can eat falafel place anymore. I enjoy it too much... There's now a limit on enjoyment quota at Jerusalem falafel stands… Last time, they didn't have enough salad for the family that came after me, too... I want to thank Shmulik for taking the picture, even though he lost a few customers.
Shavuot and these families are using the Mitzvah of harvesting to get kids to bring food home. Not to the Temple. Once again, using Judaism to exploit kids for child labor. Almost as wrong as when our day school made us sell World's Finest chocolate bars… Are these kids even getting prizes? Probably not. Probably getting Mitzvah points. Try trading those in for a rubber ball connected to a paddle. (Photo: New England Jewish Ledger jewishledger.com)
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The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb. Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse. I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai) You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there. To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money. They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives. What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun. Tags:
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Lag BOmer: Why The Bow and Arrow5/11/2022 
This is why Jewish summer camp is dangerous. And the counselor is just standing there watching. (Photo: iaujc.org/choosing-jewish-summer-camp - these parents chose the dangerous one)
Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death.
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time. No Rainbows Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers. Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too. No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them. When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. Bows Are All The Same The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire. Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch. Ideas for Childhood Danger As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi: Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it. Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time. Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen. Have them eat with their mouths open. Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves. Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger. Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire. Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want. Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires. If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking. In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows. If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave. Take Away The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire. Tags:
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Lag BOmer Fire Done Right4/27/2021 
Heelulah of Rebbe Shimon Bar Yochai on Lag BOmer in my neighborhood... The tradition in Jerusalem of burning homes on Lag BOmer. You can see some of the children who put together the uncontained fire with my door. No worries about irresponsible parenting. The parents were not there.
Lag BOmer is coming up this Thursday night. If you don't prepare right, you're going to be sitting there with a pathetic fire, roasting a marshmallow.
I've been living in Israel long enough to know what a proper Lag BOmer bonfire is, and I am going to help you do it right. Reason for the Fire On Lag BOmer, we celebrate the death of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, known as the Rashbi. He is the rabbi who revealed the Kabbalah to us. We call this celebration a 'Heelulah' (a day of joy) as a rabbi’s death signals his reaching the culmination of his teachings, actions and deeds, and the ascendance of his soul. This also means they can’t come up with any new rulings of things that are forbidden for us to do. Which means that everybody should be celebrating, even the heretics. The most celebrated Heelulah is that of the Rashbi. This is a huge celebration throughout Israel and we rejoice with bonfires. Here is my advice on how to celebrate the Heelulah based on what I witnessed in my own neighborhood. Making The Bonfire Background Due to the light Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai brought to the world by revealing the mystical layer of the Torah, bonfires are lit throughout Israel. A Yahrzeit candle isn't big enough to create a Kabbalistic safety hazard... Emunah. Instead, we have the children go out and make huge fires without parental supervision. The Rashbi is the only rabbi that gets the huge Yahrzeit fire. Other rabbis are stuck with a Yahrzeit candle. The general rabbi gets a 24 hour glass encompassed candle, sitting there by the sink, like everybody else. If you see a bonfire or huge flame by a regular Yahrzeit, you worry. The positive about the regular Yahrzeit candle is that after you finish it, you got a shot glass. After the candle finishes, you can clean out that glass, and celebrate their passing with a shot. They should have a BBQ size for other famous rabbis. Right now it's only the Yahrzeit candle or bonfire, and we are only willing to risk communal safety once a year. Collecting the Wood Inside Israel The kids of Israel collect anything they can find that burns. This includes trees, branches, and homes; and it is not considered an act of anti-Semitism. The children take their wood collection very seriously; so, hide all inanimate objects. This includes houses, plastic and older people. There is a fine line between a child’s understanding of religious vigilante and paying respects to the Rashbi. The children will burn everything. Hide whatever you can. Put a sheet over your house if possible. Stand by your door. Let them know it belongs to your house. If you are not around for Lag BOmer, hire a neighbor to make sure they do not burn down your villa. Comments overheard last Lag B’Omer from fuming neighbors: ‘Why are we missing our cabinets?’ ‘Where is the bench? It was just here yesterday.’ ‘That door belongs on the hinges. Thank you. This is our home.’ ‘Please put her back. She was sleeping.’ ‘They burned my door last year. I boarded it up.’ The kids start collecting all immobile objects for this holiday six months in advance. If you are in Israel, guard your Schach, or your branches you used to cover the Sukkah will be gone. We couldn’t eat in our Sukkah the last time, because the kids took off the roof. This is another reason I suggest sleeping in your Sukkah, or at least taking shifts guarding it. Collecting the Wood in the Diaspora Collect anything flammable and bring it to the park. Different kinds of wood and flammable objects can easily be found around your home too: cabinets, tables, stools, couches, lamps, towels. I have seen towels burn after they were placed on lamps, so towels do burn. If you are using doors for your fire, it is suggested to unhinge them from the house before burning them. Stay away from inflammable objects. Though kids in Israel like to burn plastic bags, they emit toxins into the air, as do televisions. Even though flags are flammable, one should not use Lag BOmer as a chance to protest. Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in Israel In Israel, last Lag BOmer, I learned that supermarket carts only cost 5 shekel. If you put the 5 NIS in the cart, it is yours. The children put the 5 NIS in the cart and then take the cart and load it with wood. If you pile it correctly over the sides, and takes up both sides of the street, you can push a good amount of your home in one trip. Bypassing the use of the parent’s car allows the children to burn more appliances. Loading a car with parents kills the joy of the holiday, especially when they make you return the table, cabinets and chairs to the kitchen. Bringing Your Flammables to the Park in the Diaspora In America, the carts are free. If you can, take a Costco cart. They are much bigger, and they cost nothing. It might look weird pushing your cabinets down the main street of your town in a shopping cart. But Costco does sell cabinets as well. It's also important to find a place for your fire. The best spots in my neighborhood were found by the kids who saw smaller children and then kicked them out. That is a good way to find wood as well. The suggested flammables collecting technique. The bigger kids didn’t even have to bring their own wood. What Happens at the Fire There are many ways to use a fire. Most of them are dangerous. I suggest just watching it or eating marshmallows. Do not stick the marshmallows into the fire, unless if your fire is pathetic. That is a good way to burn yourself. The kids in my neighborhood were running around it, throwing stuff into it. That reminds me. I forgot to add another item that is flammable; deodorant. Do not worry. The parents are not to blame for the danger of exploding bottles. The parents weren’t there to see it. If you cannot make it to Israel, to fully connect with the tradition, make sure your fire is uncontained. In Israel, it is fine to make uncontained fires in the park. Your town might have issues with forest fires. If that is the case, take a couple of rocks and tell them it is contained. That usually seems to work. A couple of rocks at a height of four inches seems to contain flames. That is why I am assuming they always have rocks around the fires. If you cannot make a fire, or your neighborhood doesn’t support uncontained fires, just eat marshmallows. That’s close enough to a bonfire experience. Playing a guitar is another bonfire experience. People see fires and play guitars. That seems to be what the guy playing the guitar enjoys. Nobody played guitar in my neighborhood last year. The kids threw that in the fire. Though, I don't know what kinds of songs are proper for celebrating death, I have seen a lot of dancing. So get out there and party this Lag BOmer. It's the Rashbi's Yahrzeit, his Heelulah, so make it good times. And be sure to make a huge fire, to show that you too have Emunah (faith). As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, you can also celebrate with the tradition of taking bows and arrows to add to the danger of uncontained fires. If you're afraid that the cops will find your children on the streets with bows and arrows, throw them into the bonfire. The bows and arrows. Not your children. Tags:
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Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read. 
I always wondered why Costco had those chairs out… I could not fit him in the cart.
I do hope I didn’t wake him with my shopping. It’s a Chutzpah that they leave on the lights like that. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow. You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
5/19/2025
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