It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?

Put Bread Around the House
Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find.
If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni.
Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous.

Watch The Ten Commandments
The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush.
After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more.

Kasher Everything
You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood).
After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover.

Yell at the Kids
Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing.

Cover Everything
You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids.  Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes.
You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish.
During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned.

Don't Sleep
There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic.

Burn Eggs and Chicken
Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it.

Did you Purchase Everything?
You're not worrying enough.
Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week.
Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people  that enjoy coconut pastries.

Go Back To The Supermarket
You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket.
Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room.

Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise.
And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared.

Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids.

Announcements
When the Gabai gives a quiet stare from the Bima, that means people should stop talking. We understand that it is hard to notice the Gabai in the midst of conversation. However, please be aware of the Gabai as it is very awkward for all of us. We all feel like we're in third grade and in trouble. Please be conscientious and take the blame. The longer the Gabai stands there, there more awkward it is.
 
Pesach cleaning must be done. Rosh Chodesh Nisan has passed and that means you should worry. Fear should be your first thought.
 
We are getting together to talk about Pinny. We are going to find him a Shidduch. Anybody with nieces or granddaughters, please help. Pinny needs our help. Seeing old single Pinny in shul is almost as awkward as the Gabai looking at me from the Bima.
 
Matzah is now a hundred and fifty dollars a pound. We are going to be collecting Kimcha DPischa for all of our congregants. We understand that the Feinblooms are wealthy, yet they cannot afford Matzah. Last year they sold a building and it still wasn't enough to feed their family for the last days.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 1:1) 'And H' called to Moshe.' H' called. He wanted to speak to him. So, H' called him. How about from now on, I call you into my office when I want to speak to you. You don't pop into my office and say 'Hey rabbi...' I call in congregants I want to see...
No. I don't want to speak to you during Torah reading. I don't want to get in trouble by the Gabai. I don't want him staring at me... Pinny needs help. I am fine talking about getting Pinny married... Pathetic.

Why do I not want to talk to you? Because you complain. All you do is complain... I don't want your complaints. Though, I do know Matzah is way too expensive. I agree...

As Rashi teaches, 'Called... an expression of affection.' When was the last time you called your mom?!... We're talking about calling here. To call. Not to send a 'hello.' We're talking about picking up a phone and calling. Not an email...
Called up to the Torah... The Gabai only calls the people he likes... Well. Shmuli deserves an Aliyah, even though he's not your buddy... The Gabai doesn't like you. It's clear. He called you up for Anim Zmirot...
 
H' then tells Moshe how the people have to bring their offerings... There is no affection if you bring Karbanot messed up. H' doesn't want messed up offerings. He doesn't call us for that. If you don't do your part. If you don't clean your house for Pesach… If you give a messed up donation of eighteen dollars to the shul. H' doesn't want... Nobody wants eighteen dollars. I am going to start sending the Gabai to people's homes with the eighteen dollar check in hand, to stand at the door and stare at you... Yes. It's a disappointment. And as for Bar Mitzvah gifts... It makes the Bar Mitzvah boys cry...
A donation in honor of who? Whose life are you saving for eighteen dollars?! Do you know how many more congregants we need to pay my contract at eighteen dollars?!...
Would H' accept an eighteen dollar sacrifice?! No. Because at eighteen dollars you're sacrificing nothing. H' wouldn't call for that... The Machatzit HaShekel was different. It's a different currency...

The Gabai put his hand on Bima… You don’t continue when his hand is there and he’s staring at the shul. Are you even a Chazin?!...
It’s not about you Pinny. We all feel like failures when he looks at us. We all feel like Pinnys… Why? Because you’re not married.
You can’t be happy… Because you’re not married…
I didn’t say marriage was the way to happiness. Just that you’re not married. Are you even cleaning for Pesach…
No. You can’t clean on Shabbis. Why do you think Frum homes are not clean… That’s why I don’t eat in your homes. They’re too clean.
Cleaning is not the sacrifice. We need to sacrifice for Pinny. He needs our help. Pathetic... Let's chip in to pay for Pinny to go on a date... Eighteen dollars is not enough!!!
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Finally, somebody stood up to the eighteen dollar Chai donations. Finally. It took our rabbi. He even said he would leave the shul with one more eighteen dollar donation, in fear that the shul would go bankrupt and not be able to pay his salary.
The rabbi started offering group counseling to kids who got eighteen dollar gifts. It turns out that many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids were thinking about leaving Yiddishkeit, after they saw what their friends got for Christmas.

Gavin hasn't got an Aliyah in years. He's not loved. No affection. The Gabai hates him. He's been relegated to Galilah and Tzedakah box carrier.

People got sentimental with the calling your mom concept. The rabbi should've done an appeal then. He would've got money. He should've said, 'When was the last time you called your mom? There is an appeal card on your seat for the new addition to our building.' Once he said 'mom' people were willing to give more than eighteen dollars. His Yom Kippur appeal should be about moms. 'This Yom Kippur, think of your mom and give the shul a lot...'
Some people tried making a phone call after shul, but for reason of affection and keeping the laws of Shabbat, the rabbi smacked them.
 
I have never seen so much anxiety in a shul. People were so worried about Pesach cleaning. The lady had developed a Pesach tic. Every Siddur she touched, she took a tissue and started cleaning it. Later, when she shook my hand, she rubbed it down with a baby wipe.
 
Between us, the Gabai stared too long. They weren’t that loud.
 
Due to people not noticing the quiet stare from the Bima, in the midst of their passionate conversation, the Gabai has started going around to ask people to be quiet. The Gabai found that with all the talking, there are too many places to be. We now have six Gabais whose job it is to keep people quiet. The shul is thinking of hiring an extra security guard to bounce congregants from shul, and to scare them from coming in.

The Gabai stare is awkward. It makes everybody uncomfortable. We all feel like kids. It’s almost as awkward as seeing Pinny, the old single guy, in shul. Awkward.
Nobody wants to take the blame for Gabai stares. I never heard, 'It was me.' Them saying that would probably cause more staring. And nobody wants to take the blame for Pinny.
I believe one time the Gabai just stopped and stared at Pinny. Nobody was talking. It was just a way to note how pathetic the old single guy in shul is. After the Gabai saw enough people shake their heads in discontent, he allowed the Chazin to continue.

A class was given on shul etiquette and Gabai stares. The rabbi also explained in the class that the banging on the Bima was not due to anger, but to scare people into saying the Rosh Chodesh prayers.
 
Finding Pinny a wife is a communal activity. Committees have been formed. One committee made a point to go into his house and throw out pictures from his childhood as he looked awkward.
The Pinny committee refused to clean his house for Pesach. That was too scary. The Gabai stared at how dirty the floor was and walked out. He didn't even touch any of the tables, as they were too dirty.
It's called The Pinny Committee. He is the cause. His singleness is a charity.

Don't come to the Beit HaMikdash on Chagim without a Karaban. You must show up with to the Temple with a sacrifice.
When you travel to your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, do you bring a gift? Exactly. And now you bring nothing to Gd?! Shame.
Bring a gift.

If we learned anything, be a decent guest. You're visiting Gd's house. Don't show up empty handed. Nowadays, people bring letters to the Kotel. That's not a gift. There's no Mitzvah for that. No host needs a postcard from a friend who's looking to get married, but can't go out of their way to visit.
Hosts want food. You show up to dinner with a dish. You show up with a note that says 'please forgive us for not bringing anything,' you're not getting invited back. Well, that's what you're doing at the Kotel. You're bringing a note that says something went wrong and you're sorry.
Nobody likes people who show up without a gift. You show up to the Temple with no meat, and then to top it all off, you don't have the first fruits basket. You're a Temple taker, and the Kohens are all starving and acting real smug.
I am not suggesting to have a barbecue at the Kotel. It's not the Temple.

Bringing nothing is a huge letdown to the hosts. I've been witness. 'Mark is here... Oh shoot. He brought nothing. He's just a letdown... I thought he makes a nice stew too... Nope. Nothing. Not even a gazpacho... I think he knows we invited him. He's here. We won't have him again. Come in Mark. Take off your shoes. Only people that bring a gift can leave their shoes on... I know we invited him, honey... Didn't he at least bring wine?! Nope. Nothing. Just here to eat. To live off the fat of the land. No appreciation... Wine and stew shows appreciation, Mark. We're having Matzah for dinner now.'

A sacrifice is a lot of meat. The problem is most people show up with dessert. There is no commandment to bring a babka. Anybody can afford that. It would be much better if people showed up with a nice roast. If you're eating at our home, bring a roast and you will have an excellent dinner.
Why people host that can't cook is a different story. And don't show up to my house with a broccoli lokshen kugel. A broccoli quiche is OK. If it's in lokshen form, it should be spinach. Spinach lokshen kugel is excellently tasty. I don't believe that is a commandment in the Torah, but it should be. It would make us happier. Spinach lokshen kugel and a roast. If you're eating at our home, we'll provide dessert. You provide the spinach lokshen, roast and wine.

If we've learned anything from this Mitzvah, never depend on the hosts to feed you.

Growing up in a Jewish community, and now being the rabbi of a community, I have studied the art of how the Jewish joke is told, while being forced to listen to them. And we all know, it's about the delivery. So, here is how you deliver a Jewish joke with style.

Must Have a European Accent
That means talking like a New Yorker.
To deliver a Jewish joke correctly, talk like somebody who immigrated from Europe a hundred years ago, or a New Yorker. It's all the same. They both sound foreign to anybody in the Midwest.
When delivering as a New Yorker always pronounce an 'a' when pronouncing an 'r'. The caveat, that is unless the 'r' is in the beginning of a word. And anytime you have an 'i', stress the letter and add an 'u' to it. Also add 'oy' to words with a 'y', so that you can complain more while talking. And then add vowels wherever possible. Any joke delivered in this way is now Jewish. 'Whoy did the chicken crawss the road? To get to the otha suiide.' Now, it's a Jewish joke.

Start Each Joke With 'You Know the One About...'
This lets them know that you're not talking about yourself, and you're not the one who moved to the Lower East Side in the 1930s to see Ms. Nafkowitz.
You can also use, 'Have you heard the one about...' 'About' must be in there. The 'I saw' or 'This guy I know' joke methods are not Jewish. 'About' must be there.
The 'you know the one about' method also give the other person the chance to say, 'I know that joke,' so that you can continue to tell the joke yourself.

Grab the Person
Make sure to grab your friend's arm. You start with a touch and then you grab. If you don't grab their arm, they may not stay for the whole joke. I learned this method by watching Mervin at Kiddish. He was the only one who could get people to hear him finish his jokes. Other people who did not use the grabbing technique lost their subjects mid-joke.
You want to cup their elbow. You don't want them to be able to escape. Pull them into you if possible. Squeezing tight helps if there is a long setup. The tighter you squeeze, the easier it is to hold their attention. Literally. You want to think of the arm touch and grab as holding their attention till you get to the punchline.
Now people stay away from Mervin, in fear that they will suffer physical harm from his humor. Nonetheless, violence can help with delivery.

Laugh at The Joke Yourself
You can't depend on anybody else to laugh at your joke. All joke delivery should end with you laughing. This way people can see you enjoying it. Somebody should enjoy your jokes about mother-in-laws.
Note: Mother-in-law jokes should not be told in front of mother-in-laws. That can make for an awkward conversation at Kiddish.

Stare at the Person Until They Laugh
After the joke stare. Fix your eyes on them. It will trigger a response. Hopefully they realize you just told them a joke and are expecting a laugh.

Every Statement Should Be in Question Form
Your joke should start with a question and end with a question. This way, the listener will not know if you're done.
'Why do Jews answer questions with questions?' 'Why shouldn't we?' That tone of 'why shouldn't we?' is how you must end every joke. Every punchline should sound like that, with a New York accent. Hence, making it a Jewish joke.
Shrug your shoulders while supinating your hands for correct delivery posture. A bit of a forward head tilt, with widened eyes and closed lips, helps with the question form pose. While supinating your hand, do not loosen your grip on their elbow. Even if it hurts the delivery, you don't want to take a chance with them walking towards a conversation they want to have.

To help the audience, add a 'nu' at the end of the joke. That works like a George Burns cigar, ending the joke for them. Allowing them to know they're supposed to laugh. If you don't add a 'nu' they won't know to laugh. Never depend on the material or your stare. You must have a 'nu' or squeeze their arm tighter.

That's how a Jew tells a joke. That's tradition. And if you can, corner the subject, so they can't slip out of the joke hold and get away in the middle of the joke.

Announcements
This week's Torah reading is a double Parsha. You may want to show up late. It is going to be painful. To make it worse, the Bar Mitzvah boy is going to read a couple of the Aliyahs.
Rule: Dad's are not allowed near their children when their kids lead services. The dad standing there like a helicopter Jew adds to much time to the services, and it causes people to hate your child.
 
The weather is cold again. You can use that as your excuse for why you never come to shul.
 
The community Shabbat dinner is this coming Shabbat. We are going to have fore spice sized plates, as Cheryl found a way to pile up the whole shnitzel platter on her plate last year.
 
Don't eat at the Katzenbergs for Shabbat lunch. They have no idea how to make a decent potato kugel. They will kill your Shabbis afternoon.
 
The shul's Kugel Bakeoff is to take place next week. Do not worry. We have disqualified the Katzenbergs from joining.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 35:1) 'Moshe gathered all the community of Israel...' I can't even gather you guys for Hamotzie... Everybody washed and we were waiting... Why does everybody think that when we go to wash, they should have a conversation?! You never want to talk to these people, except for when you're washing for bread...

He didn't gather the Israelites to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy read... I don't care that it was six months ago. It's painful. The kid pronounces the words.
If it was the Katzenberg's Kugel, nobody would've showed. You couldn't gather people with that thing. There's a reason nobody showed to shul to honor Siril Katzenberg's graduation... They knew that you made the Kugel.

He told them what they are commanded... There are commandments. Requirements. Such as Minyin... Yes. Show up. That's my command. The shul needs a Minyin...
Starts with Shabbat. If we could get a Minyin on Shabbat.
After the commandment of Shabbat, we see the concept of people giving stuff to the Temple and the services.... When people come together they give to the place of worship... All you do is complain about the shul. You don't show up and you complain...
The Katzenbergs giving Kugel is not appreciated… Of course it’s leftovers. Shouldn't that be a sing?!
 
I can't even call the community together because nobody here shares...
Sharing is a Mitzvah... You didn't share. To be a community, you share. You piled up your plate. You came back to the table and said you got it for them... They can get up. You got the shnitzel for yourself Cheryl. Then, you loaded up the cinnamon rugulach... Yes. Everybody loves the cinnamon rugulach. But you took it.
Next time, just take the platter, Cheryl… For your table?! They don’t even like the raspberry or apricot filling. I don’t even know why they make those cookies with apricot filling. Are they Hamentashen?... Exactly. Apricot jelly filling should only be used in Hamentashen… It’s tradition Cheryl. We have a holiday for apricot filling. Blueberry jam is for Pesach. You put it on the cream cheese. On the Matzah... Yeah. It tastes great.
Community doesn’t come to a Shabbis dinner and take all of the food for themselves. That’s why we have the smaller plates now... It's because of you Cheryl. It's because you don't trust people to take their own rugulach...
The only thing you share is bad jokes. It has to stop Mervin.
 
Everybody shared. They brought their valuables. Women gave bracelets and earrings... Nice ones. Not the ones with birds hanging. Whatever that Michal Negrin stuff you bought is.
They didn't give Katzenberg potato kugel... No. You cannot submit a potato kugel to the Bakeoff. That is not fair to other people. Your kugel is vile.
If that Bar Mitzvah kid was reading, the congregation would've said, 'We don't care if it's Shabbis. We are not going to take this abuse and show up to Minyin anymore. Get somebody who doesn’t enunciate'... They might have even hung you as his dad. Everybody hates your kid now... He lost of all his friends because you make him nervous and he stutters. He's developed a Haftorah tick to his left... That's where you stand. He can't even talk to his friends without looking over his shoulders, worried if he said the word loud enough...
 
Next time we do Hamotzie, let’s come together. It’s not a time to fill up your plate.
Moshe gathering the people would've been impossible if they were loading up their plates at the buffet instead of washing their hands for Hamotzie...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Such a beautiful message of Achdut, unity, so that people can start their dinner.

The people in the shul give nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing that anybody wants. Somebody donated a hand-me-down skirt she got from her older sister. She insisted it was very expensive, as it had sentimental value.
 
The shul dinner was messed up. The rabbi had to yell at people to call them together for Kiddish. He washed, and then he yelled, 'You can't talk after you wash.'
 
One of the kids must work as a waiter. The way they piled up the shnitzel on the new small plate is an art. I saw him sticking pieces in. It was a pyramid of shnitzel. A balancing act. The difference between the kid and Cheryl is that he insisted that he didn't get the shnitzel for the table. It was all for him.
 
Baruch's son just got Bar Mitzvahed half a year ago. When he reads, it's painful. His dad wants him to enunciate. The whole shul hates him now. They are waiting for him to protest his dad and mumble the words fast.
Truth is the whole congregation hates that family; almost as much as the Anim Zemirot kid. It's the dads that kill it for them.
New rule in the congregation. You can't lead unless you do it real fast. Pronouncing words is not appreciated by anybody, or allowed. I believe that if the people follow this we will get more members.
 
I think the rabbi ate at the Katzenbergs last week. He did not like their Kugel. He considered it a sin.
The Bakeoff went well. And the Katzenbergs enjoyed it, as they didn't have to eat their Kugel.
 
The rabbi had to explain the meaning behind the different jelly fillings and why raspberry should only be used on Sukkot. I think the main reason is that he likes the tartness.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Bar Mitzvah scarf Tallises, Yeshiva Shtenders and Egypt, for Purim’s sake, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his hand with us. We are sorry you have to see what happens when you use oven cleaner.

'My son, the doctor.' The most quoted saying of any proud Jewish mother with Nachis. Let's do a few of those jokes.
Before we get going, I want to praise the medical field. Doctors are amazing. Some of them can even add ten years to your life, just waiting in the reception room. We stole that one from other people who stole that joke too.
To note: Nachis means your son is a doctor.

The One About President
Every joke is about something. That's how you reference jokes. You say, 'The one about.' If you somebody ever asks you, 'Did you hear the one about?' Run. Get out of there as quick as possible. They're about to tell you a joke, and they will probably grab your arm to make sure you listen to them tell you the whole thing. Even if you heard it before. So, this is the one about the president.
The Joke:
About to be honored in the inaugural ball he calls his mom. 'Mom. I want you to come.' His mother is trying to get out of it, asking 'why, what's the big deal about this president thing. I don't know know from such...' He tells her, 'I just became president of the USA. I am the leader of the free people. I want you to be at the dinner. And make sure you look good.' Finally, after his mom argues with him about what a free people is, she agrees.
The next day, she's at the beauty salon. She shows up all decked out in an evening gown. The stylist notes how beautiful she looks and that she hasn't been there for years. He then asks, 'Why are you here?'
The mother answers, 'You know my son the doctor?!His brother is getting honored.'

Three Women Praising Their Children
Jewish mothers praise their children. If your friend's child sounds better than yours, you've failed as a Jewish parent. It has nothing to do with what your child has done. We know they're a failure. At home, they've failed you. You would never trust your child to put together a bookcase. You're a Jewish mother. However, when it comes to your friends, your child is the best builder around. At home, you yell at him that he should call somebody to step on the ladder. With your friends, 'He's the best ladder stepper. He was also the greatest at on the balance beam as a third grader.'
Years have been spent at Kiddishes with Jewish mothers letting their friends know how great their children are. I have even heard mothers praise their Jewish children as the best athletes. Athletes that will one day choose medical school over the NBA. Why? It's better money.
The Joke:
These women are sitting at the pool in Florida and talking of their children.
'My son. You know what he does for his motha? He flies me in to see him every year for my birthday. What a boy.'
The next one says. 'My son is even better. For my birthday, he comes down to Florida. He flies in all of my friends. He puts together a party. You wouldn't know of such things.'
The other friend joins in, 'My son is the best. Better than them all. He goes to a psychiatrist three times a week. Each time he spends five hundred dollars. And you know what he talks about? Me.'
Appendix to joke: She then goes on to add, Schepping Nachis, 'His mother. He talks about his mother the whole time.'

The Daughter Who Got Divorced
Three women are talking. It's the same three. That's what they they do. They sit by the condo pool and talk. It's the same three Jewish women in every joke. They start asking their friend Fran about her daughter.
The Joke:
Talking of Fran's daughter, Ethel asks, 'You mean the one who married the docta?' Ethel is from New York and doesn't know that doctor ends with an 'r'.
Fran breaks it to them, 'They broke off that wedding.'
The next friend adds, 'You mean, the one who's with the lawyer.'
Fran notes, 'That also didn't work out.'
Another one of the friends sitting on the side hears the conversation and joins in, 'Isn't that the girl that was with the real estate develapa?' She was also from New York.
Fran looks at her and says, 'Ahh. That didn't work out either.'
Ethel is amazed, 'Wow. From one daughter, so much Nachis?!'

Conclusion
If you're not a doctor, your parents don't love you.
Nowadays, a good Jewish mother wants her kid to work in computers. 'My son! The computer technician!' It doesn't have the same ring as 'my son the doctor.' It's hard to fully garner the same Nachis from the computer guy. 'My son. The computer guy. What a boy. He saves hard drives.'
The 'my son the computer engineer' genre of jokes has not made its way into the Jewish joke lexicon.

Announcements
Note from the Rabbi: I got the worst Mishloach Manot again. Here is a list of stuff that is forbidden to put in Mishloach Manot next year, all of which were in the basket I got from the Perlwitz family: Lemon wafers, thimble sized alcohol you stole from ELAL, poppy seed Hamentashen- because nobody likes it, papers you need to recycle, and anything you need to get out of your house so that you have less to clean for Pesach.
 
We will be honoring the Feldenwitz family with a Kiddish. We don't believe they deserve a dinner. A Kiddish should be enough for them. They like gefilte fish balls and not enough people like them to raise money for the shul.
 
Sleeping on Shabbat is a good thing, as Shabbat is the day of rest. Even so, the rabbi does request that you don't sleep during his sermon.
 
The Pesach Cleaners are now out and open for business. They're charging fifty-five dollars an hour. They said that's a good deal. They will charge less if they don't have to hear parents screaming at their kids.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 30:12) When counting 'let each person give atonement for their soul to H'... so there won't be a plague when counting.' This congregation just needs to do atonement... There already is a plague in this shul. A plague of bad Mishloach Manot.
To give atonement means giving money. Nobody here gives money. There is a plague of cheap in this congregation right now... Would you call give me a can of peas that expires in 2028 a good gift? Well. That's what I got in my Mishloach Manot... Then you should've thrown it out. If you didn't want it, you should've thrown it out. Now, my house is full of a plague of stuff I have to clean before
Pesach. Because of your Mishloach Manot...
 
How many are here? Do we even have a Minyin? I think we have a Minyin of people who donated nothing to the shul. But I wouldn't know... We can't count in this shul because you people don't don't give anything. If you donated...
You did give me poppy seed Hamntashen. If we counted how many Hamentashen that I got in my Mishloach Manot, we would have a Minyin...

No. We are not counting people.
Rashi teaches that the evil eye has power over the Minyin... We don't want more evil here... No. A half shekel is not a fundraiser... Numbering things. Minyin... In our case, this Minyin is an evil eye. Just look at Bernie… That’s an evil eye. He’s also mad about having to clean your trash… Yes. That’s what your Mishloach manot is. Stuff you wanted to throw out.

(Shemot 30:13-15) Half a shekel. That's it... Or two or three half shekels... Don't ask me. It's complicated.
The rich don't give more and the poor don't give less... It doesn't say 'nobody gives anything... Well that's the tradition of our shul.
Give something.
If everybody would just give a decent Hamentashen. Rich and poor... I don't need an artisan poppy seed Hamentash... I know the rich in our shul don't give anything. And they keep the chocolate Hamentashes for themselves. What I am trying to say is the rich are selfish. And you can't build a Temple like that.

None of you put your heart and soul into what you gave. I know, because I got Mishloach Manot from you... Next year. Put in a shekel to atone for your poor judgement.
It’s a month before Pesach and now I've got crumbs of leavened poppy seed. It's Asur to have Chametz before Pesach and you are Asur.

Put your heart into Kiddish. Are the Feldenwitzs that unimportant that they get a Kiddish?!... I understand it's about raising money for the shul. Nobody would get anything for giving a half shekel on behalf of the Feldenwitzs... Your just not successful enough for people to like, Simmy...

When people give money, you can make a decent washing stand and basin. A Kiyor. Unlike the washing station outside the sanctuary with a plastic cup... I know it's a Natlan. It's the stuff you use in the bathroom.
They were able to use copper because people gave money.
If you spent something on your Mishloach Manot. Just a little. I wouldn’t have had peas that nobody wants… It doesn’t even have a tab. I have to find a can opener. A non-copper can opener. That’s how bad the peas are.
 
And there were rules for how you had to make the Kiyor. That is why we now have Mishloach Manot rules...
A lot of evil here. Evil and no half shekels.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi went through the bad Mishloach Manot. He described each item and why it is wrong. And how this is not what Mordechai had in mind when he suggested gift baskets to celebrate. 'You don’t celebrate a month before Pesach with crumbs.' Which is why the rabbi also declared that all Hamentashen must be of soft pastry.

The rabbi almost called off the Mitzvah altogether. Though, I don't think he has to. most of our congregants don't know what Mishloach Manot are. They think it's a plastic bag with a clown on it.
Whoever started writing Thank Yous for Mishloach Manot is an idiot. Mordechai definitely didn't think it was a good idea to have to write Thank Yous. Those things kill every decent Bar Mitzvah gift. I say it's not a real gift if I have to write a Thank You. I would rather buy something for them and make them go through the hassle of writing a Thank You card. Thank You letters are like a punishment for knowing people who give you bad gifts.
 
The rabbi called the people Asur. Amazing.
 
As the rabbi stated that there are too many people falling asleep during his sermons and it is hurting his feelings. That was not smart. Now, the whole back left section brings eye-masks. They were eye-masks for Purim to sleep when the rabbi was talking.
 
Nobody cares about the Feldenwitzs. If you truly don’t want to honor them, they might as well give Simmy Galilah. That's a smack in the face. That's what you do for unimportant people who don't have a lot of money, and volunteer and devote their lives to the shul.
 
The poor people didn’t like the idea of a half shekel. They said it’s too much.
The rabbi’s idea of half shekel Mishloach Manot though was a great idea.

The Pesach Cleaners demanded their money back from the shul for the advertisement in the announcements. They said the shul misrepresented them. The only business they got were shirts that needed to be dry-cleaned.

If we learned anything. The Beis Hamikdash would never have been built with bad Mishloach Manot.

Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly.
Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online.

Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet
You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. 
You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand.

Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah
As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah.
You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah.
If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix.

Work On Your Profile Pictures
If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures.
You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families.
Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand.
If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK.

Go On a Dating App
If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages.
If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert.

Start a Website
Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree).
Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch.
You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app.
Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect.

I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help.
I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online.
Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah).

I was in such a rush to put on my Tefilin this morning, I didn't take off my watch first. I was strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin straps. Strapped for time... The Tefillin straps over the watch. Strapped for time with Tefillin and a watch. You get it.
 
At least the plague of locusts wasn't very expensive. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Locust. Low cost. Very close if they were pronounced the same. The plague of grasshoppers would be expensive.
Should that read, 'The eighth plague wasn't very expensive. It was locust'? Puns are about education. Not about being funny.

He was alone in his house with nothing to do, so he took out a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The date date joke. Nothing more timeless than the date date joke. Works every holiday. And opening a date is an activity. Especially with a date. Such a good pun. Timeless.
 
I bought a Jewish papercut. It Hebrew letters and a lot of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Papercuts are a type of art, where they cut paper. Paper cuts also hurt, can go deep and draw a lot of blood. Jewish papercuts are usually in Hebrew. Not that they form a Hebrew letter on the hand when they cut you.

The slave wanted to stay after seven years. Thirsty, he asked for lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If they stay, they have to have their ear pierced to the doorpost. Lintels are part of that. Lentil soup. Lintel soup. Close enough. Esav reference. The slave mixed up doors and soup. We all do it. And lintels are tasty when you add garlic.

Is the shul looking for a people who likes bread? Then why do they keep asking for donations. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Dough. Bread is made of do. A nation is a people. Do-nation. Dough-nation when spelled wrong. Nation full of dough. I'll explain.
 
Who was the heaviest guy in the Megilah? Bigton. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bigton and Teresh wanted to kill the king. Big and ton together. Both mean large. That's a mean name for somebody. I know it's not nice to make fun of somebody's heaviness, but Bigton wasn't a good guy.

Announcements
Purim is this Tuesday. There is no reason to drink on Shabbat, unless if you have to deal with the new Shul Simcha Committee. They are very annoying and will bring anybody to drinking. Anybody married to Harold Feinbloom can also drink. Other than that, drunkenness is Asur.
 
The costume parade will include true Mardi Gras performers. We don't want another pathetic showing of poorly tailored Esther costumes.
 
This week's Kiddish honors a Jew.
 
Sign up for the shul luncheon. It's not a Kiddish. This means you have to pay. We understand how paying can ruin your happiness. If you spent time with the Simcha Committee, you'd understand that there's many ways to ruin Simcha; such as sitting in at one of their meetings.
 
We're asking for Machatzit Hashekel. We realize we'll never collect the full amount of dues. If we can at least get half an nis from congregants, that will be appreciated.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 28:2) 'And you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother, for glory and splendor.' Our Gabai has the ugliest suit I have ever... Well. You're representing the congregation. This is the most disheveled membership... It's Shabbis. It's not Purim. On Shabbat you wear holy stuff... Yeah. Like a tie. We're not in Israel. Apikorsim here...
Well, I though that was a costume. It's got to be the ugliest dress I have seen.
Make vestments. Not costumes... There's a difference. A vestment is a work of fine clothing. A costume is something that looks like a vestment if it were not to last a day... Yes. It's not fine material. Rivka's sweater is bad material... No. It's a costume. That can't be regular clothes. That's a thread count of two.

When families make clothes for each other... Your Chanukah sweater was an Asur gift. No glory wearing that.
Rambam Hilchot Mada says a Chacham should not walk around in messed up clothes... Costumes. Yes. That means costumes. Which is why I won't dress up this Purim...

That was meant for the Gabai. I can't get over how ugly that suit is. The sun is shining off it... Polyester... If you were a Chacham, a wise man, you wouldn't wear that... Because it's ugly. Do you need the Rambam to tell you this?!

It was all made to serve H'.... They were to minister to H' (28:1)... The Kohanim were ministers... Jewish ministers in the Temple. Not a church...
That's why they didn't look like Tzurel and Sam... That's a polyester suit.
It's about caring for each other. You don't let your brother walk out of the house looking like that... Purim is Monday night. It's Shabbis right now. No need for a costume... A costume or an ugly outfit like...

(28:6) 'The work of a thinker'... Yes. That's how I translate it. You think before you get dressed. You go to a decent tailor... Think. Half of you look like you're part of a 1990s gang with one leg shorter than the other.
You guys in this shul never think… Well look at the Purim carnival program. It’s not supposed to be Carnival. You have an apple bob. You don't have a dragon dancing through the shul...
 
You don’t show up to shul drunk for Parshat Zachor… That’s not celebrating. That’s alcoholism… That’s not a hangover. That’s drunk. That's why we end up with a dragon and polyester suits.
It's about remembering. Zachor... To wipe out Amalek. To remember congregants that have wronged you. The Simhca Committee is very annoying... Yes. They've wronged me. I sat in and listened to the chair... No idea who gave her a chair. It would've been rude not to...
That’s why your clothes are messed up. Next time, don’t get dressed drunk... Zachor. Remember. Remember to look decent. Remember to wear a tie for once...
 
Your costumes are pathetic… A ghost? That was a sheet. You didn’t even cut holes in it… I understand. You didn’t want to ruin the bedding. That’s fiscally responsible and a poor costume...
 
At least give Machatzit HaShekel. You don't give to your Shabbis clothes.
And don’t forget to give money to Od Yosef Chai… It’s supposed be for two meals… Three dollars doesn’t cover two meals… What are you eating? Rice? Dinner is rice and rice... That's what you feed poor people. And that's why next week's Kiddish is rice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The way our membership uses Purim as an excuse to drink for three weeks. I don't know if sports bars is what Mordechai had in mind.

Between us, the rabbi got lazy and didn't want to go shopping for another costume this year. He usually shows up in some amazingly intricate cultural costume.
Come to think of it. I think he's just worried he will get cancelled for dressing up on Purim. Saying it's forbidden to wear a costume was a good way to work around the wokeness of our shul.
I think people not dressing up as stigmas of other people will make it hard to find costumes. We'll be stuck with American looking Queen Esthers and that's it.
 
The costumes in our shul are pathetic. One guy dressed up as an office manager. You know what he does for a living? He’s an office manager.

How many Queen Esthers do we need?! Does every eight year old need to be Queen Esther?!
Tzurel's dress was an ugly dress. You only wear ugly like that if it's a costume. We need better dressed people in the congregation.
The Mardi Gras people really added to the Purim spirit. Though, it would have been more appropriate for our Jewish holiday if they weren't wearing crosses.

The shul gave up and decided on Machatzit HaShekel for dues. They even had a hard time getting people to give a half a shekel. Some said they’ll give one eighteenth of a shekel as it’s more meaningful.
Most of the high shoolers in the congregation hate hearing 18. They're mad that so many people low-balled them by using Chai to justify cheap Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts. They're just being cheap. Some of the congregants have started buying gifts at 5 and Below, writing a card that says 'Chai' on it.
 
They served the food on one table, I had to wait to get near the choolante, I got hit by an older man that wanted Kichel. It was a Kiddish. It was a Kiddish and we paid a lot of money for it. A scam. That was more than Machatzit Hashekel.

The rabbi didn't give a list of the congregants that wronged him. He's got a lot of built up anger over the years. And the Simcha Committee brought it out.

This interview took place after Megillah reading on Purim evening. The little kids were getting their candy-filled Mishloach Manot. A bunch of the little girls were dressed as Queen Esther, so I asked one of them why. She just wanted her candy.

Who are you?
Queen Esther

Why are you dressed as Queen Esther?
I love Queen Esther.

Why did you not dress as Vashti?
I hate her.

Why do you hate Vashti?
She's not nice.

She wasn't bad to the Jews.
Well she was bad to me.

Why?
My mom dressed me as Vashti last year, and I looked like an idiot.
Can I get my candy?!

Do you like Mordechai?
I hate Mordechai. He pulled my hair last year.

Did Queen Esther do anything about that?
I was Vashti. So, I smacked Mordechai.

Oh. Which Purim character do you like?
My mom. When she doesn't dress me as Vashti.

I see, you have a beautiful little tiara. Did Queen Esther have a tiara?
Yes.

What was her tiara made of?
Felt fabric sheets.

Are you sure?
No. It might have been made of plastic. Wait. It was definitely paper.

Are you sure?
Yes. You can cut that easier. We learned that in arts and crafts class.

What else did Queen Esther wear?
Her ballet dress.

Did she use makeup?
No. Her mom didn't let her.

What's your name little lady?
Esther.

No. What's your name?
I'm Esther.

I know you're Queen Esther. But, who are you?
(no answer)

You're doing a great job in character. What grade are you in?
Can I get my candy?!

What do you want to be next year?
Mom! She's not giving me candy!!!

Conclusion
When she started yelling, I gave her the candy. You can get arrested for not giving a child candy. As I learned, when a kid is screaming it makes no difference if you hit them or don't give them candy, or if you gave them a kind morning greeting. It's abuse.
When Esther wants her candy, you give it to her. As she was walking away, I asked her if Queen Esther had temper tantrums.
I found out her name was Esther. If she wasn't dressed as Queen Esther, that could've saved a good minute and a half of the interview.