​Announcements
The shul baseball game will be next week. As the shul's softball team is pathetic, we'll be going to see local a Single-A team. The board felt it's important to see a game where somebody hits a ball. Topeka Torpedo tickets are on sale at the shul website for $35. You can also purchase tickets at the box office for $3. Make reservations through the shul, but buy tickets at the box office just in case the office messes up again.
There will be food. As we’re using the Torpedoes for a shul event, we don’t want to give the Feldsteins an excuse to eat nonKosher hotdogs. Our sponsor, who is not covering anybody’s ticket, wants to ensure there’s a Kiddish feel at the game.
 
From now on, Anim Zmirot will have security. There is too much violence when the kids open the ark. Too much hairpulling last week. In Sunday school, we’ll be educating the kids on proper shul etiquette, and teach how to scream at the Gabai when they’re mad.
​
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 30:3) If a person makes a vow or an oath and make something prohibited, 'he shall not desecrate his word. All that comes out of his mouth he shall do.' Be a man of your word, Bernie... Do stuff. You've desecrated the shul, and you've desecrated yourself. A lot of desecration here... You said you would go bowling with me, Bernie. You didn't show.
If you say you're going to donate money... You flipped the appeal card.
Your promises mean nothing. You said 'I swear' and you didn't do it... Let's say you're in court. Can't trust you... Because you lie. You're liars. It's called lying... 'Let's hang out. And then you don't show up. That's called standing people up. Standing people up is Asur... It's forbidden. You should be stoned... 
 
Be a man of your word... Sadie. Your tongue is foul... Rightfully. They're annoying. But you swear a lot. A dirty tongue... No. The Parsha doesn't talk about cursing. But you should watch that. It comes out of your mouth. Desecration...
 
Stick to your promises.
Why is your child coming to me for the bike? You promised it to him on Pesach... He thinks I'm Pesach Santa... Because you didn't get him the Afikomen bike, Shmuel...
I understand a father or husband may annul an oath. But you don't want to make messed up statements to begin with... They annul it, because they know you're going to mess it up. I've seen it Katie... You mess up everything. You flipped a two thousand on the appeal card last year... You said you were going to give the money, and you didn't.

You said no violence in the shul... Your kids are fighting every time they open the ark.... It's like watching Herman and the Gabai. Any time Herman doesn't get Psicha, he yells at the guy... There are other people in the shul Herman... That wasn't a Neder. The Gabai said he would call you up. That doesn't mean every honor is yours... I understand it was vague. He should've said 'I'll call you up for an Aliyah.' You expect....
I'm trying to say. Parent. Parent. You took the oath of parenthood. There's no reason your kids should be running around in shul, fighting in front of the Aron Kodesh... It's the ark, Bernie. They shouldn't be fighting to serve God together... That's a problem in this congregation. We come together to serve God in battle... Everything is a fight. Even, who gets the honor to say the prayer of peace amongst Israel...

Our coach, Dr. Feinblum, said we would win a game this year. We won nothing... The Torpedoes don't count. They're not the shul team. You say it. So, do it... Stop lying. It's a desecration.
It's the Nine Days. Do what you can for the community... You said you would build the Beit Hamikdash. I don't see the Third Temple...
Show for stuff. You don't show for your Aliyahs either. Gavriel the Gabai calls you up to the Torah and you just sit in your seat. Move. Do something... Then stop sleeping during davening...
Come to the baseball game... Purchasing a ticket is a vow. If you say you're coming to a game. If you say you'll be somewhere... By not showing, you desecrated baseball too...
Don't be like Bernie...
 
All lies. When you don't live up to your word, you're lying, and that's a desecration. A desecration of yourself... A desecration of your shul. Of your community. A desecration of your family. A desecration of your friends. Your ancestors. Your coworkers... Shabbat too...
 
When they made this shul, they vowed to make it Jewish... Baseball isn't Jewish... Sandy Koufax did not serve in the Beit HaMidksash... Kosher food doesn't make it a Jewish event.
Nothing Jewish in this shul. The baseball game and the… They’re the only events you go to… We vowed to be a Jewish shul…. Kosher food doesn’t make everything a Jewish event...
The bulletin mentioned nothing but baseball. Might as well put down 'Drinking' for the next event… I know it's an Oneg Shabbat. But everything we do is not Jewish. Why add in the Jewish aspect to the event?... After drinking and baseball, maybe we can go ice skating. Ice skating is Jewish. I think a Jew ice skated before... Shabbat times weren’t even in the announcements. Just baseball...

I understand we’re not getting a Minyin… People don't show to what they've committed to. You're born Jewish, you're committed to...
By not showing. You desecrated baseball too... Living up to your word is Jewish.
You said you would come to the game...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi spent a very long time explaining who you desecrate.
 
The rabbi knows how to get people to come to events. Due to this worry of vows, people stopped RSVPing for Simchas.
I don't take anybody for their word in the community.
The rabbi gets offended when the congregants don't hang with him. He really cares about baseball and bowling.
The rabbi holds his congregants to high standards. Building the Temple is one of them. If we ever have a decent handyman in the shul, the rabbi will send him to Israel to build the Third Temple.
 
People think the appeal cards are a scratch it game. They have no idea that flipping those tags is a pledge. They play with the card, and think that if they flip over the 2k, they've won the money. 
 
They really do fight in shul. They say prayers for peace and join together in prayer to fight with each other. Honors cause the most fights. The rabbi is thinking of running every Aliyah like it's Simchat Torah, calling everybody up as a group.

I disagree with the rabbi regarding what a Jewish event is, as does the rest of the community. You add kosher food to anything and it's Jewish. Kosher food makes it Jewish. The rest of the community just disagrees with the rabbi on everything. So, I figure they disagree with the rabbi about what makes something Jewish too.

INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

The Rebbe of Lublin was a great man. That's how he got the name 'The Rebbe of Lublin.' When they know you as your city. When you can claim the whole city. That is when you're great. He was also known as the Seer of Lublin. It depends on what crowd we're talking about. His students knew him as the Rebbe, and those who needed advice on the stock market knew him as the Seer.
When you're the name of your city, you've made it. And then to proceed your name with 'The,' that's the tops. Yaakov Yitzchak HaLevi Horowitz doesn't sound like the Rebbe of Lublin. People might've remembered he was a Levite, but that's about it. If they called him The Rav Yaakov Yitzchak, there is room for argument.
Your goal as a rabbi should be to have the city in your name. If you're from Poughkeepsie, you want to be known as the Poughkeepsie Rebbe. You don't want to be known as Frank. You don't want to be Rabbi Frank. If you're known as Rabbi Frank by the end of your career, you've done very little. Everybody knows it. If you did something, you would be the Rebbe of Poughkeepsie. If you're a big rebbe, you either have the name of a town or an acronym. For topper, you add in 'The.'
The Rebbe of Lublin made it. He knew it. He had thousands of chasidim. Having a name of a town as part of your name can get to you. It can really work up the ego. Yet, the rebbe was humble.

The Story
Upon seeing the Rebbe of Lublin with so many followers, another rabbi asked him, 'Why do you allow for this? So many chasidim claiming you a their rebbe, when you admit you're not worthy of this honor.'
Choosing a leader can be very hard. Should we give the honor of leadership to somebody who says they're the best? I don't know. Maybe we should have rabbis strutting up to the lectern for their sermons, turning to everybody, 'That's right. I'm your rabbi. I'm here. I'm the best. Show me the love. Shout out to my chasidim. I'm the man. Who's the man? Your rabbi.'
I don't remember the rabbi who suggested the Rebbe lose his followers. It may have been Rav Binyamin, Rav Menachem, Rav Berman. All I know is there was no city in his name. Nonetheless, the Rebbe of Lublin listened to him.

The Rebbe of Lublin was in agreement, 'What should I do?'
The rabbi replied, 'Go up to give a sermon and announce you don't deserve to be their rebbe.' So, the Rebbe got up and told everybody he's not worthy. He said he was just an ordinary Jew and no reason for him to be the one to bless people. And murmurs of more piety and humility came.
Everybody was amazed at how big of a Tzadik he was, for saying he wasn't a Tzadik. Roars of adoration throughout the community were abundant, 'Only a Tzadik can do that. What piety!' 'Only a Tzadik would say he's not a Tzadik.' 'It takes a righteous person to let everybody know they're not righteous.'
The Rebbe of Lublin did not know what to do. He was trying to get out of people coming to him constantly to get Brachas. He was sick of every single person coming to him with every question. Why did he have to answer questions about real estate? He was annoyed. He wanted to drop the whole Seer of Lublin thing. His reputation was cutting into his relaxation time. He couldn't go to the bathhouse without people asking him for Shidduch ideas and if their silverware was good enough for meat.

Pinchas, a local townsman, learning from the lesson of the Rebbe of Lublin, said he wasn't a Tzadik. And all of the people of Lublin reprimanded Pinchas, 'We know you're not. Why such an idiot would say he's not a Tzadik is beyond us.'

The other rabbi saw the response of the Rebbe's followers and was shocked by the unexpected result of more adoration. So, he told the Rebbe of Lublin to say he's a Tzadik.
The Rebbe told him, 'I can't do that. I cannot lie. When you told me to tell them I am not a Tzadik, I did it. When you wanted me to claim that I was not deserving of this honor, as I am a simple Jew, I agreed. However. Now you want me to lie and say I'm a Tzadik. I cannot do that.'
And the rabbi was stuck. And the Rebbe of Lublin realized the rabbi was yet another person in the town asking him to do something. As the rebbe with the name of a town, everybody comes to you with questions.

Lessons of What Followed
The Rebbe of Lublin was later found to be not happy with his chasidim, knowing that they didn't trust him.

The rabbi who was giving the Rebbe of Lublin this advice was an extremely humble rav. He was so humble, his chasidim consisted of two. When he saw the response of the Rebbe of Lublin, he decided to tell his pupils that he was a great Tzadik. And his chasidim left him. 
His pupils ran away saying, 'We thought our rabbi was full of humility, when he said he was humble.' The rabbi ran after them saying that he was joking. It turns out that his chasidim didn't get sarcasm, like those of the Rebbe of Lublin.
 
This whole episode turned out to be a great lesson to the rebbe’s followers. When you're a showoff, people hate you. When you're humble, you can be great. People respect you, call you the best. If you want everybody to think you're amazing, be humble. And all of the chasidim became very humble. And they got into many fights over who is humbler. Yankel proclaimed, 'I am the humblest.'
And they knew they were Tzadiks. There is no feeling like going home being able to look in the mirror, knowing you're righteous and saying to yourself 'I'm humble.'
Learning from the Rebbe of Lubin, rabbis around the world started saying 'I am a nothing.' I heard a story of a rabbi who went up to the ark on Yom Kippur. He goes up kisses the curtain and cries out, 'God. I am a nothing.' The Chazin, cantor, upon seeing this, goes up to the ark and wails, 'Before you God, I am nothing. I am nothing in this world.' Then the Gabai, sexton, goes to the ark and cries out, 'Before you God. I am nothing. I am a total nothing. A nothing.' The Chazin, turns to the rabbi upon seeing this, and pointing to the Gabai he mocks, 'Look who thinks he's a nothing.'

When the Rebbe of Lublin saw the other rabbi talent out there, he decided that it wasn't a bad idea that the chasidim were following him.
As the Seer of Lublin, the Rebbe knew that if he said he wasn't great, he would score huge points with his chasidim. It was an amazing move. He came out on top, and scored more chasidim.

The Chafetz Chaim took this lesson to heart, and when a guy said the Chafetz Chaim was a great man, the Chafetz Chaim said he isn’t. And the Chafetz Chaim got smacked.

***See Lilmod uLilamed, the section on VaYishlach. If I got the story wrong, it's their fault.

Announcements
The new sign at shul will be electric. We want to thank Freddie’s Barbershop for donating it. The shul will be receiving $1,000 a month for the new flashing neon sign out front, saying ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’ We pray it leads to more advertisement, and Felvel has a Refuah Sheleyma (full recovery).
There's lot of space in shul. Above the left women’s section we have more room for adverts, between the stained glass. We'll be filling that out. If you want to save money on your High Holiday seats, we'll place adverts at your chair, next to the Yizkur appeal cards. Micky's garage is sponsoring the adverts for better deals on tune ups.
 
The finger licking isn't going to stop. We understand the older people can't turn pages without saliva and chaching. As discussed in the page turning workshop, the shul rule is that you can only lick fingers on your left hand. Your right hand must be available for clean handshakes. The shul will also provide volunteers to turn pages for the elderly.
We also ask that people keep chaching to a minimum, in the middle of the cantor's repetition.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Flock…
(Bamidbar 25:10-11) H' tells Moshe that Pinchas 'turned My anger away from the children of Israel by his avenging My vengeance among them...' There's anger in this shul. A lot of anger. Nobody avenges for the rabbi... Then you would've kicked out the back left section...
Nobody fought for Simchi's seat. It's his Makom Kavuah... It's his regular seat. You just let Bernie go over and sit there... I know he's old. But you don't do things in shul that are wrong... Like Zimri taking Cazbi in front of the congregation to do whatever. Taking somebody's seat is also wrong... Simchi wasn't mad??? He took one of the plastic chairs and threw it... I'm not saying anger is right. But this congregation can...
How many times you bring on anger. The leaving the paper towel by the sink... You throw it in the garbage... The garbage is right there. Anger... It's not a basketball game. If you miss, you pick it up and put it in... You're so bad at sports. The shul softball team can't even throw to first right. You think you're going to hit a paper towel shot...
indy's hat... It's too big. Women can't see. Even if nobody steals their seats, they can't see...

Pinchas killed them and the plague stopped. He stabbed them. Jabbed them a bunch of times. Blood. Death... Then don't take people's chairs. Lesson learned... Sometimes revenge must be had to educate a people. You take the towel and throw it at them. Then say, 'You don't leave towels by the sink. It offends God...'

The Anim Zmirot fiasco was one that needed somebody to take a stand. Fights all the time... I understand that the kids are in preschool. Pulling the ark curtain causes a lot of violence. We need people to take a step in and be there to protect the community... You can get involved in a four year old fight. It's fine. A lot of scratching. Danger. Stranger danger... When they see the grandkids visiting for the summer, that they never met, they get more violent... 

'So that I didn't destroy the children of Israel'... Sticking up for God, stops the plague.  Pinchas stopped the plague, because he fought against the immorality. He defended the honor of the community and the Tabernacle... The Kiddish fight of '97. I was there. Nobody stuck up for Marina and Milt... Kiddishes with nothing but Kichel. And then you have the Simcha hall. Same tablecloths... You call it sticking up for Pinny, when you set him up with these girls from Florida. They're two thousand miles away... Why are you listening to the Gabai? There is a rabbi, with an 'r' and a Gabai with a 'g'... Gabai means he's volunteering. We have to stop listening to volunteers... Paper towels all over the sink.
And that's what led to the destruction of the shul... Would H' destroy this shul?
I am not saying that people should hurt the Gabai. I am just saying that the Gabai, the president... People have to stand up to them... Otherwise, we get stuck with messed up food cupboards and mucus all over the pages.

Rashi likens jealousy to revenge... Pinchas took Gd's revenge by killing Zimri and Cazbi... Revenge on behalf of others can be fine... Revenge isn't allowed, when you're taking revenge for the Danish you didn't get.
It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When it’s your jealousy, that’s wrong. When it’s for somebody else, it’s right. You get that Danish… There was a plague. Somebody had to do something. Stabbing people is not supported by the shul’s board. I have asked them many times, to see if there was a loophole...
Sometimes you have to take a step up, on behalf of a weak congregation… Very weak. Can’t even hit a baseball. Summer league has been pathetic again... Of course they all think we can't get a Minyin on Shabbis. Our congregants can't even walk the bases...

(Bamidbar 25:12) 'I hereby give him My covenant of peace.' You get a covenant of peace if you fight against evil. Fighting evil, Pinchas receives God's covenant of peace. And I fight Bernie every day...
It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When you throw paper towels at people for others, it's the right thing to do.
I have been fighting against salivating on Siddurs for the past many years. I have lost the battles with Bernie and Merv. I understand they have to lick their fingers... For the next generation, I pray there will be peace and Siddurs that are not disgusting, with the look of cigar mucus on them.
You stick up for other people... Helping other people is a form of sticking up for them. A food pantry can help the poor. That's a Pinchas move. Sticking up for the poor.... A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler…
A decent food pantry brings peace. Stops destruction... A pantry for other people. A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler… I don’t think Pinchas would’ve held up a convenience store… He would’ve left stuff in the pantry. 
And that stops destruction… Destruction of the Temple is because of Bernie.
If we stop the fights among the kids. If we stop taking people's chairs. If we stop people from throwing paper towels, who aren't athletes, and can't hit a garbage can, we can bring peace to our shul, and stop the destruction...

And we must advertise the shul’s pantry better… The shul doesn’t need advertisements. The shul needs to let people know where the pantry is...
The banner above the left women’s section. Why do we have a sign saying ‘Kohl’s is good for all Jews’?... They didn’t have that in the Beit Hamikdash, Bernie. The shul is a small Temple…

​I saw the downfall of the shul when I didn't see the old shul signage anymore, and I walked in today to the neon club lighting of ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I hate to say this, but Simchi has anger issues.
How the rabbi compared Zimri violating H' and Israel to Bernie sitting down because he's tired is hard to understand. 
He blamed Bernie for the destruction of the Temple, two thousand years ago.
The rabbi did bring up counting the congregants, to make sure we have enough people to go to war. I don't know where that came from. Though, it was a very meaningful food pantry point. I also have no idea how the pantry is going to help the soldiers going out to war.

I don’t think the rabbi was promoting violence over chairs, or people taking too much pastry at Kiddish. I am not sure. He is definitely thinking about taking action about mucus on Siddurs.
There is a lot of violence by the Anim Zmirot prayer at the end of services, where we let the kids go up to open the ark. The preschoolers get very violent over their honors. It's similar to the fights started over Aliyahs (getting called to the Torah) in the early 2000s. The police had to escort the Gabai out, for his safety, when one congregant turned the Chumash cover into a shank and chased him, after the congregant didn't get the Levite Aliyah. The congregant was allowed back, as he explained that the other guy didn't deserve the Aliyah, just because he doesn't show up to shul very often. The congregant with the shank Chumash cover was allowed back, as he had a good point, and pays his dues on time. The other guy who got the Aliyah is not a wealthy Levite. The board voted in favor of chasing the Gabai with a Chumash shank. They said it would've been fine to chase the Chazin as well, as he sang too many tunes that Shabbat, and services lasted way too long.

After Shabbat, the rabbi took a sledge hammer and knocked down the sign in the front of the shul. The board did not give the OK on it, and many were mad, as they're fans of Freddie's Barbershop. They did agree that having pictures of the non-kosher ribs on the sign of the shul wasn't right, even if it did draw more people to shul.
The next shul dinner the rabbi is slated to receive the shul's covenant of peace.

The rabbi also has a problem with the signage in the shul for local businesses. He wants to bring back Bingo, as he feels that is more proper way to raise money. As he said, 'Bingo keeps people away from the casinos, and it brings people to our shul who pay for something.'
I believe the rabbi has an issue with every decision the board has ever made.

Nobody takes a step up and sticks up for anybody in the shul. The Kiddish fight, where the family ganged up on the non-drunk guy. It was messed up. Nobody stepped in. Yankel pulling Tzachi's hair at the ark, people were scared of Yankel. He's a four year old bully. Real bad at sports. People are even scared to step up to the plate. Nobody takes a step up with anything in our shul. Only the rabbi. He is the only one with the covenant of peace.

The whole sermon, there was chaching coming from the right side of the shul. Nobody said a thing. Nobody stuck up for the rabbi. I don't know how you stop them from chaching. I don't think Pinchas would stab them. I believe that back in the times of the Tabernacle, he would've given them some lozenges. 

BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street

Act
To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block.

Problem
I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time.
a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street.
b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point.

Solution
One street name per street.
a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim.
School will be used to educate the children.
b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic.
c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot.
d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple.
We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it.
e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds.

A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.

Announcements
We have been voted the least friendly congregation, by the local committee of people who don't want to pay dues. When you don’t smile, people think you don’t like them. They've said that it is clear that the congregants don't like guests. They know you don't like them, as you stare at them, and don't say 'Good Shabbis.' The staring is very intimidating, especially when a Minyin of people is doing it.
From now on, congregants must smile at people, so we don't lose more members. Except for Michael. He looks very awkward when he smiles.
 
Kumzits will be taking place this Motzei Shabbat. We ask you learn the songs. We don't want harmonizing. As there has been much discussion as to what is proper singing, we want to be clear. You singing another song, to a different beat, is not harmonizing.
In addition, the shul is hiring a song leader. We have decided folk singing to be important to our community. Not Chazanis. People will show up for a concert. Not services.
 
No more licking your fingers and touching the pages of the siddur. We are designating an under seventy year old to go around and turn the pages for all who need help without finger grip abilities. The shul has lost too many siddurs to mucus.
We have checked all of the helpers, and they will provide you with fingerprints. 
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Worriers... Don't worry. I will give a Dvar Torah...

(Bamidbar 22:2-4) Balak saw 'all that Israel did. And Moav was very frightened, because it was numerous...' His heart took a beat. Moav tells Midian, 'Now the congregation will lick all of our surroundings, like a ox licks the greenery of the field...' You guys lick your fingers all the time, when you turn the page. You're disgusting. This congregation licks more stuff than any... I'm afraid to kiss the Mezuzah... I hear Bernie chaching. I look over, And then he turns the page. Then you lick the siddur… You’re supposed to kiss it.
Balak is the king of Moav... I don't know what oxen licking a field means... I don't know why that's a bad thing, Bernie. I'm not a zoologist... I know licking is OK... Israel is a nation... Let's call this a Chok. It's a decree. This way I don't have to explain everything...
Sounds like the spies. Worried... All you do is worry. 'The Bat Mitzvah is too great for us. how will we feed all of these guests... They'll lick up all the kugel.' 'The lawn is too big for us. How will we cut all of the grass'... Then mow your lawn, Simcha. It's an embarrassment. Your neighbors are worried your weeds will lick up their surroundings and kill their greenery...
Sounds like Paroh... Everybody is worried. 'Got to attack the Jews because we're worried they'll overtake us'... That's why there's no anti-Semtism in America. They're not worried about American Jews attacking...
Frightened by numbers. Like Paroh... Michael. You're scared of math... That's why you all do bad in school and fight with your teachers.
Everything stems from worry... War stems from worry... I know you're not worried about the Ukraine. If I said they were moving here...

It's always based on what you see. 'VaYar' the first word of the Parsha. Balak sees and he worries. He sees what the Jews did, so he's scared... He didn't see what Thelma did with Kiddish... Balak saw it and was afraid. He saw, but he responded wrong...

So you curse. You see the other team and you're saying 'Oh...' Cursing doesn't help. Balak sends for Bilam... He's not going to save the day. You curse people. Does that work?... You always curse them under your breath, Bernie...
You disrespect your teachers and try to get your parents to curse them... H' doesn't want that.

Worriers. Those are who lose wars. And they lose good donations… Worry loses wars... And getting donations is a war... I am worried you're going to harmonize... It is painful. It's numerously bad.
You don't smile at new people coming into the shul, because you're worried we'll have new members who like the rabbi... Stop smiling Michael. You look awkward. Wait till the braces are off… Worriers start wars, and don't smile...

Balak responded wrong, because he didn't see what really happened.
You worry when you see what people did. Balak saw what 'Israel' did. He didn't see God... I’ve seen you harmonize… It's hard to see God when you harmonize. I see people messing up a good song... You all worry because you don't see God. You see Max harmonizing... I know it's hard to see God in this congregation. If you look to the front right and meditate, you can see some of God... I know it's hard with all the talking... 
Stop worrying... You can be a good Jew without worrying... I know you're Frum... Not all Frum people lick their siddur. I’ve seen you lick your fingers and chach on the siddurs… I do worry we won’t have siddurs…
 
Your harmony is off… It’s not harmony. You’re singing a different song.
You don’t smile. You are the least friendly shul… You hang out together, as snobs
It might be the harmony… It bothers me too...
You look mean, because you don’t smile... You scare people. They come to shul and worry if they should be here. Your lack of smiling is... We don't need security. People walk in and see you, and leave...
 
If you see God, you don't worry. You smile... To see Michael's smile is to worry...
You see God and do Teshuva. Balak would've just repented... You don't get other people to do your cursing. You don't get other people to come to the rabbi and complain, like Sadie did last week, on behalf of Rachel...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi got a lot of kickback, telling the congregation that good Jews don't have to worry. Many of the members were worried about that statement. The congregants started questioning their tradition, and if their parents were in Shamaim, heaven. The rabbi is now worried he's going to lose his job.

The shul had to throw out two hundred siddurs, due to old people who can’t turn pages without salivating on their siddur.
 
The rabbi called the congregants worriers. not warriors.
The congregants aren’t worried about the Ukraine. They're more worried about having to hear Max harmonize.
The front area is like a chaching harmony of coughs. That is where the spitting Halacha comes from, by Aleynu. They realized the old people had to spit in shul. They can't go two hours without spitting or drooling in shul.
The rabbi has now been going to war with the congregants about paying their dues. He sees they don’t want to pay. He's not worried they don't want to pay. He knows they don't. The office told him.
 
The shul Kumzits was messed up. No guitar. Just singing. No bangos. Just singing and banging on the chairs.
I don’t think anybody knew any of the songs. It was all harmony. No melody. Either that, or they sing more off than I thought. It's weird that they don't even know the Adon Olam. The must sung tune, and they don't know it. Either that or they've created their own melodies. Each person, his own.
 
There is a snobby Kiddish group. They sit at their own table and don’t say hi to anybody. They either stare at you or ignore you. Being ignored is not as threatening. I believe the shul has a Kiddish every week to weed out the weak people who fell through the cracks at shul, and made it through all of davening without feeling threatened enough to leave.
The snobby group even takes their own bottle of cola to the table. People are too intimidated to drink. They can’t ask them, as they’re not part of the cool kids group. They just look at the cool table and think how enjoyable cola, not from Shop Rite, would be.
 
The rabbi is right. They don't smile. They see a new person in shul and eye them down. They stare at them until they leave, in fear that they will want to daven with Kavanah. People who are in shul to pray to God with proper intent are not very welcome. The shul has a history of religious people adding fifteen minutes onto services.
When the rabbi made the announcement about smiling, people were staring.
Michael truly does look awkward when he smiles. He looks normal, and then he starts to smile and you see the braces. Very weird looking. Scares people.

There is now a course on smiling. The rabbi brought in a smiling trainer. There seems to be muscles that the congregants haven't used in a while, in their mouths. I thought their mouths were strong, as they eat a lot. Yet, smiling and gorging use different muscles. The smiler coach did note that the members are very good at frowning. They have those muscles well developed.
The smile trainer is also trying to help people smile normal. The ones who smile are worse than the ones who don't. All congregants are now required to go for mandatory orthodontics. We have also placed a hygienist at the entrance of the shul, to ensure that there is clean teeth and decent breath. It turns out that the reason the close talking has been chasing away people is due to bad oral hygiene. 

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football. 
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul:

Newcomb
The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do.
Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.
At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey
The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good.

Paper Football
Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table.  The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese.
After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. 
We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive.
The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi.

Color War
Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. 
Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events.

Floor Hockey
This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch.
We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood.
Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. 
To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them.
To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet.
​
Machanayim- Dodgeball
The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out.
Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga
Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more.
We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma.
That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.
Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. 

Capture the Flag
Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack.

Torah Baseball
I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi.
I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question.
Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies.

What Jewish Sports Mean
I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.
But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to community dinners, food in bulk for Kiddish and graduations, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he buys huge store brand drinks, because they're cheaper.

Announcements
The Shul yard sale will take place next Sunday. We ask that you sell stuff people want. They were offended by your 1980s tube TVs with the huge backs. They are not carriable, and they don't fit in homes. One guy said he needed a Minyin to lift the TV.
We understand you have stuff you want to get rid of, but writing 'We've upgraded to a flat screen that’s bigger and fits in our house’ on your item is offensive. We also ask that you don't sell twin mattresses that are too small for you to sleep on. If you can't sleep on it, that means it's too small for people. Wicker chairs are also discouraged. To quote a disgruntled member of the community who doesn't like to shop at Home Decor Inc., 'Am I not good enough for normal ottomans? I have to sit on wicker?! Wicker with no cushion?!'
Anything that is trash, please don’t bring to sell. If it’s in a trash bag, please don't bring it this year. Unopened trash bags are also not allowed to be sold this year either. We're not having another grab bag event. 
The board also asks that negotiations not get too loud. It’s embarrassing. It gives our shul a bad reputation when you fight. 
As we know that all of our members that are into collectibles are hoarders, we ask that you don't leave your collections behind. And no leaving your trash you can’t sell behind. Last year we almost had a Hoarders TV show episode filmed at the shul, when they heard the secretary couldn't get out, due to the couch with cats in it. When they heard they were dead cats, they wanted to know what kind of membership we have.
 
We noticed who didn't show to this year's fundraiser. We're keeping track of your lack of support for the shul.
We suggest members show to events. You should all show to funerals as well. We’re all keeping track of who is coming.
 
Simchas are now being hosted to get mad at people that don't give decent gifts. There is resentment to bad gift givers. The shul has received many complaints about the Frankel family in the suggestion box. The main suggestion was to not invited the Frankels to any Simcha.
We suggest all members give a lot of money, so there's less shul hatred, and we have less to listen to at Kiddish. We also ask you spend at least two hundred dollars on gifts. That or give two hundred dollars straight. If it's not on sale, the two hundred dollars is better in cash. Sales are greatly appreciated, as that shows you put thought into the gift. For this reason, it’s suggested you keep the sale sign on the gift. We've been asked to announce that Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, as well as weddings and Brises, are an investment. There's a reason you're invited to birthday parties as well.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Impure...

(Bamidbar 19:2) H' tells Moshe and Aharon, 'This is the Chok of the Torah'.... It's a decree. I'm not going to explain... Why do I have to explain every little thing to you? You still don't trust me... Now I understand H.' If you were His congregants... 'Why? I'm God. I think that's the explanation.'
Rashi, quoting Tanchuma 7-8, explains that it's a decree that you can't contemplate over... Because other nations and the Satan will ask the reasons for this Mitzvah... And because you're annoying. This congregation is very annoying... No more contemplating. When you guys think about stuff, you mess it up. The garage sale. It was on a lawn... Then call it a yard sale. Stop thinking about stuff... It's not like people like garage sales more than yard sales... It's a Satan... Yes. I've contemplated leaving this shul.
Every question you guys ask is a Satan. A bunch of Satan questions... The back left. Satan conversations... Yes. You have to keep Shabbis... I won't give in. I will not tell you what this Dvar Torah is about... Every sermon, you want to know. I feel like you asking me what I am talking about is a Satan in the shul...
 
What's the Chok? The red heifer to purify people. The mixture... You're not pure. So, let's focus on the shul. We need Shul decrees...
You have to wear a tie. No looking over the Mechitza... It scares the women.
I shall not explain. These are Choks. I am not a sinner. I don't explain stuff. 'And you shall go in God's ways.' From now on, I will explain nothing as a rabbi...
And no more sinning... It's a Chok. I will not explain what the sins are. Just don't do them...

(Bamidbar 19:20) 'And a man that becomes impure and doesn't purify himself, this person shall be cut off from the people.' Anybody who... I feel like this congregation should be cut off. You walk in without a tie. Impure... Who else should be cut off from our shul? At least from Bingo night... And Bernie. Cut him off... Why do we allow these congregants...
Bad gift givers at Simchas. Kick them out. Why do you even invite them... The shul needs a registry of bad gift givers, to know who to not invite to Simchas... You know, when they give you a twenty dollar bill with a smile, you should've have invited them...
And clean clothes. (19:7) You have to clean your clothes too... Before coming into the camp, you have to be clean... Shower, for crying out loud. It's the summer...
It's a Chok. I don't have to explain it.
A Chok. You give decent gifts. It's wedding season.
If you don't do it. You're cut off... I'm not going to explain what cut off means... I will not promise seats in shul for the High Holidays. Cut off...
 
More Choks for the shul... And rugulach at Kiddish... A decent spread includes locks, AND RED ONIONS... 
If you decided to place it in a trash bag, there’s a reason. It shouldn’t be at the shul yard sale. One guy literally dumped trash last year… It was his trash. There were chicken bones. Marrow sucked out.
Your trash is not somebody else’s treasure, unless that treasure is leftover bitten chicken thighs… They don’t have your memories… You sold your trash as memories last year. Two hundred dollars for a Teddy Ruxpin. They didn’t grow up with Ruxpin…
It was an embarrassment. Not a fundraiser. An embarrassment to the shul… Your trash is cut off from the congregation. And that includes your cans of peas and carrots to the food cupboard. You're doing nothing for the poor people… You’ll have to throw it out or recycle it yourself… The shul cannot be embarrassed anymore by your behavior. Cut off… Your trash is cut off. If you can’t dress it up right, then throw it out. Cut it off... Even Fran. Cut off...
 
It's all embarrassing to the congregation. That’s why we have to cut you off… Haggling at the shul… You haggle all the time. You haggled for your dues. It’s Tzedakah… I saw you haggling with the guy that was begging. You don’t haggle with charity… You said, ‘How about a dollar?!’ He asked for a five… It wasn’t shuk day. It wasn’t the Israeli Independence Day event… This is the Midwest. Not the Middle East.
You can’t call the amount you sell, your dues. It’s a favor we’re doing for you…
 
People who give bad gifts. They’re cut off from the shul… We don’t want to hear it at Kiddish. We know that The Book of Our Heritage has been given by everybody… You didn't buy it...
You gave the book from your son’s Bar Mitzvah. You gave it to Samantha...
We understand the meal is less than two hundred dollars. But they’re doing it to make money…
 
None of you showed to my grandfather’s funeral… I have no idea who came. I know who didn’t come. You're cut off... And you didn't give any gifts...
 
It’s a Chok... No. I’m not going to explain what a decree is.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi truly brought home the point of how annoying these questions are. I can't imagine how annoying it is for God to have to explain His commandments to the Jews. 'Why do we have to follow this one?' 'Because I said so. I'm God.'

The rabbi left a lot of stuff in his sermon unexplained. He just said, 'It's a Chok. A decree.'

It turns out that the whole shul is bad gift givers. They never even went to the registry.
What’s on the shul registry? Shul membership dues. The shul registry had different options for paying dues in honor of the Ba'alei Simcha (people being celebrated). One Bar Mitzvah kid received the gift of the Lefkowitz family dues being paid in his name. He didn't like that gift.
The new registry of the list of people who shouldn't be invited is out. Everybody chekcs out that registry.

The rabbi wants to kick everybody out of the shul.
Yes. He did say the congregants are Satan. That did offset letting them all know they're impure. After the sermon, they all accepted they're impure.

I think the rabbi is getting sick of explaining the Torah all the time. At one point, he said the whole Torah is a Chok. And he stopped giving classes for half a year.

Last time, we learned how the board was formed. But how did Rabbi Fishel keep his job? Here is the backstory as to how Rabbi Fishel regained and kept his job.

There were many arguments as to what the best way to face Jerusalem for prayers was. Thus, the board decided they needed another board. The whole town of Chelm was on that board too. They called that board a committee, as many people were confused which board was for what. In the end, this board was called the Jerusalem Prayer Committee. It turned out that Jerusalem Prayer Committee never figured out where to face. So, they ended up facing the same way that the previous generation faced. Nonetheless, they raised much money for Jerusalem, as many of the Chelmites believed that the committee was praying for Jerusalem's wellbeing. And they prayed for Jerusalem and raised money for Jerusalem, but it was still not a fundraiser.

After time it was clear that they needed a rabbi to answer questions that were answered at the meetings with 'ask your rabbi.' Being that the wise men and women didn't have Smicha (rabbinic ordination), they could not answer those questions. Any questions that had an answer that was not 'ask your rabbi,' they were fine answering. And the people on the board answered those questions, and discussed the different answers they gave. And there was still no fundraiser.
It turns out that their answers were disagreements with other people's answers.
Then the idea of Halacha, Jewish law, was introduced to the conversation and all was quite confusing. 

The board couldn’t make a decision as to which rabbi to hire as the rabbi of Chelm. They needed a rabbi for that. And that continued for many years.
It turned out that Rabbi Fishel had a few days left on his yearly contract, when they would ask him the yearly question, 'Who should we hire as rabbi?' Rabbi Fishel was always shocked, 'This is the first question I have been asked since I rebecame the official rabbi.' And Rabbi Fishel kept his job. From then on, Rabbi Fishel had to answer the questions of the people, and he had to answer to the board, which all of the people were on. And the board told Rabbi Fishel that if he answers any questions, they'll fire him. And they said he's worthless; and they accomplished what they set out to do as a board.

Years later, after Rabbi Fishel had answered his first and only question, the board made the decision to finally hire a rabbi who will be their chief rabbi. Again, Rabbi Fishel answered that it should be him. And Rabbi Fishel never got to make another decision, as there was a board, and the board told him that they would fire him if he ever made another decision.
Once Rabbi Fishel was hired as the chief rabbi of Chelm, the board finally figured out how to make decisions. After weeks of meetings, they would go to Rabbi Fishel and pose the question. At first Rabbi Fishel was surprised. But the board said to answer them. To which Rabbi Fishel would answer, and they would say, 'No.' 
To this day, all questions are asked to Rabbi Fishel, and the board answers them. And that is how Rabbi Fishel keeps his job. And everybody on the board loves him.

Epilogue
The rabbi vacations a lot.

He said he was only giving ten percent to charity. They called him a Mayser. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Miser. Mayser. Mayser is a tithe. They sound alike. If a Mayser was a type of person, it would work. He'd be a Mayser who gives Mayser. The Mayser would be a Miser.
 
They had two very big Challas. So we wished them a 'Gluten Shabbis.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? In Yiddish, you say 'Guten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect changes it to 'Gluten.' There's gluten in bread. Challah. Gluten. Guten. 'Gluten Shabbis.' AutoCorrect is a great Jewish pun writer. Rabbi and Rabbit...
 
This crazy man was screaming at milk. It turns out he's lactose intolerant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? On Shavuot we eat dairy. Intolerant means the body can't handle it or not tolerant and bigoted. In the beginning, it seemed like he just hated dairy. He shouldn't have said it was off. That was offensive. We needed the intolerant to milk pun for our collection to be complete.
 
Her stomach distended. That's when she said she'd never drink sotah again. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An accused wife, drinks bitter water. If her stomach distends, she's a Sotah. Soda. Sotah. They sound the same. Soda has fizz and distends the stomach too. So many similarities. Love it. She had a sense of humor about her sentence. A funny not loyal wife. Don't know if her husband laughed or not.

There was only one Bachur. In their Mother's stomach there wasn't enough womb. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Bachur is the firstborn. The first one out of the womb. Room. They sound the same, if somebody can't pronounce the 'r.'
 
How do you Daven in shul with an infant? You need to get a baby siddur. ​(Mordechai)
You get it? Babysitter. Baby Siddur. It sounds the same. A Siddur is a prayer book. Babysitters take care of kids. Brilliant and practical. 
 
What did people against Moshe eat on Pesach? A sandwich for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sounds like Korech. Korech is the Hillel sandwich. Korach. Korech. Korach's followers would've eaten what Korach said to eat. Not Hillel. A Korach sandwich for Korech.

​Announcements
The shul summer diet is on. We are looking to not be the most out of shape shul this summer. We understand you are all beautiful. However, H' likes it when you look good in a non-double-breasted suit for Davening. And the shul softball team needs it too. 
 
In honor of July 4th and commemoration of Canada Day, the shul will be adding a special prayer of thanks to God that we are not Canada.
Due to last year's debacle, there won't be fireworks in the shul. We know that fireworks are social. However, safety precautions don't allow for a fire in the shul's halls. Fires on shul premises are not allowed. We already received a citation on Lag BOmer.
There will be a pool party for women only. Men aren't allowed, due to laws of modesty, and the sight of you being frightening looking.
 
No hitting people to say 'Hi.' We understand that you're being friendly, but your friendliness hurts. Even if it's a shoulder hit, or tush slap, it's not appreciated. We've had too many shul injuries in our shul due to friendliness. The men’s shelter has expressed their concern. They’ve reported bruises from kind greetings.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
I'm beginning to think you're not. The board decided against my idea of having a choolante cafe... Heretics. You protest. Why? Because it was my idea... Just like the board, there was Korach. We know him as Rachel. The new treasurer...

(Bamidbar 16:3) Korach and his people 'gathered on Moshe and on Aharon, and they said to them, "It's too much for you. Cause the whole assembly, all of them are holy... why do you exalt yourselves on the congregation of Israel."'... What's too much for me is having to hear you at Kiddish. The conversations are painful... I don't think that's what God had in mind for the Kohens. Dealing with your complaints. 'Reuven has an issue with how long the Mishebeyrachs take. Aharon. Take care of that. It's your job to deal with the Mishebeyrach issue, Aliyahs, the anger over Malka's new hat being flashy, and lighting the Menorah, Aharon.'... When did the job of the community leaders be to field Samantha's thoughts on the new shul awning? Figuring out why Michal is still mad at Malka for the hats that she wears during the summer... She can wear whatever hats she wants. She doesn't sweat like you, Malka. And the doily is not religious… Doilys are only religious when there's kichel inside of them... That would've been to much for Moshe and Aharon...  Because it's annoying. Yitro even noted it to Mosher. He told Moshe, 'This is too much for you. The people will line up with annoying questions. You can see. They have a two mile line, just waiting to complain... The Levi concert line wasn't this long...'
Closing on the mortgage is not a Halachik question... I don't know how to answer. I just know that you're gathering against me... Then make the choolante cafe happen...

They were 'on.' They gathered against. They didn't gather with. They were looking for their power. On Moshe and Aharon. Kind of like the Gabai, who says that everybody is worthy of an Aliyah... They get the Aliyahs, Shmuel. They all get called to the Torah. They just don't all give sermons... I know they complain. They have no idea what the Torah says. How many of you know what the word 'Barchu' means?.... 
'All are holy.' Yes... You're a holy congregation. But annoying.

Moshe falls on his face... That means he was praying... Whenever I say Tachnun, and I bring my head down, I'm thinking about how messed up this congregation is. Every single time... I fall on my face and think about what I did wrong to get into this situation at this shul...
He didn't slip on Korach. I don't think they tripped him.
He couldn't take it. Did anybody help him up? No. They were on him... I fell. I was walking up to the Bima and I tripped on the step... You didn't help me!!!
I fall on my face on Yom Kippur... That's for Aleynu. That's part of the prayer... I don't know how I deal with the Gabai. Yet, he hasn't been eaten by the earth.
When you have no idea how to deal with something, you fall on your face in prayer... It's hard to deal with a congregation of heretics. I understand Moshe... The amount of heretics that show up on Yom Kippur...
 
What caused him to fall?... Exalt? He exalted himself over them? You are going to blame Moshe for exalting himself? He didn't want the leadership...
You think this position is exalted? Having to deal with Bernie… The accusations you people come up. I give sermons because that's my job. It is my Tafkeed. My task. What's your task?... As congregants, it's not to come over to me at Kiddish. You all want autonomy. You have a board, to make dumb decisions... The earth didn't swallow you up. But the ceiling is leaking. The board could do their job. The Korachs... 
You have independence… You’re in America. You hired me!!!
 
Exalt myself over this? This is not exaltation... Yes. We need to lose weight as a congregation... I am here to help with your health... Spiritual and physical. I'm more of an exercise guru than a rabbi... Choolante is the way to get there. Choolante and Kichel...
Last year, everybody walked to first base... You hit the ball and walked. You need to run... That's why we lost and people didn't show up to shul. Half of our congregation is too out of shape to make it... Shabbat morning services are now up to three hours, because it takes five minutes for you guys to get up to your Aliyah... You deserve the Aliyah, but you can't make it up there by yourself... You asked Mark to lift you up to the Bima, Bernie...
 
They weren't good cooks... Men did cook back then. So they took their pans and they died... I wish it was that easy... I don't know when men stopped cooking... No. They baked in the Beit Hamikdash...

(Bamidbar 16:11) Moshe goes on to tell Korach that his ego is getting in the way, and that he wants to be a Kohen too... It's because of his ego. he was already a Levi... He already gets to leave services during Musaf. What else does he need? It's ego. We've seen it in our congregation... You're a Yisrael, Mark. Moshe notes that being a Levi is not enough for them. They need it all. Like Sarah with the choolante. Can't share... I didn't say to eat it all. Share it... 
Moshe goes on to tell them that they are 'joining against God, and Aharon, what is he that you're protesting against him?' It's for you. Not for the people... What did Aharon do?... Exactly. He did his job. He did what he was asked to do. Every time somebody fulfills a duty here, you rag on them...
It's your ego. It's because you make a bad choolante, Samantha... Cook it and share, and all will get along... When you use a frying pan to make choolante, bad things happen.
When you do it against other people. When you raise yourself above everybody. When you get a huge hat, like Malka... God is not part of this shul's Aliyah choolante hat ego...
Korach took God out of the decision making. He made it about ego... The softball league patheticness is the next level of not trying. Just like Korach wanted stuff given to him, you want the game given to you... Then run a little...

That’s not independence. When a hat is in your face, it's intrupendence... Independence from your people? Korach already had independence. He wanted power. When you want power, that is when bad things happen, like a three hour Shabbat morning Shacharit service. Like a messed up awning and hats that are independent of style...
 
Independence from your rabbi??? Is that what you want?... You wanted me as your rabbi and now you protest. Now you want to be the rabbi... Yes. Smicha is important...
 
(Bamdibar 16:4) Moshe fell on his face. What else do you do when you have to deal with this?... I don't know. I am looking at the back left and I am asking myself...
The dumb questions you have… Korach and his people would ask questions like that… Why am I in charge of services? I’m the rabbi.

From now on, when I say something that makes sense, take it as H's word. Take it as Jewish law. 
No more hitting arms to say Shabbat Shalom… I know you think it’s friendly, Tim. However, we’ve been cited for abuse… No buddies. Your friendliness hurts people
Did Korach use violence? I’m not sure. Phil’s friendliness does hurt though.
Moshe fell on his face in prayer, due to sadness… Michael fell on his face due to kindness and love. You said hello and he re-ruptured his hernia...
 
And Yes. We need a new awning. Why is that my task?... I just don’t know why “Rachel” doesn’t take care of that….
 
Don’t be like Korach. Or Bernie.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Too many people have been walking out of shul with bruises, due to friendliness. They are thinking of shutting down our shul, as people love each other too much and are too affectionate.
I have to tell Thelma she's got to calm down. She’s being friendly to me by hitting me. She thinks she's a dude. She even elbowed me. It's like she's practicing her Thai-boxing on me, when she wishes me a Good Shabbis. I have no idea how to take it. 
I did see one guy kindly knock out Baruch, as a friendly gesture of comradery. 
 
The rabbi is correct. Choolante is holy. At least the non-religious congregants don't appreciate it as much as the ones that are going to heaven. I've never seen a doily wearer eat choolante, or speak Yiddish.
 
We had to do something about the awning. It’s ripped. The rabbi thought that something that is stands out to anybody who enters the shul, the board might fix it. 
Rachel ended up purchasing a neon pink awning. I don’t know if it's what the shul was going for. The rabbi ended up calling them heretics for thinking on their own and doing something. I believe he called them Korachs.
 
Doilies must stop. We now have nothing nice to put in the wicker baskets for the Kichel. Some of the older women are taking their head-coverings out of the Kiddish wicker bowls. They're stuck putting napkins in it. Fran was sitting and Feivel mistakenly placed his bit Kichel on her head.

They do all argue about the hats. The summer hats are bigger. They're just made out of straw. Huge hats. Many of our less religious congregants head to the horse races right after shul. I think they're dressed for that.
The rabbi got everybody going with that Malka's hat being too big comment at the end of the sermon. It was like an old British mob with all the women her section pointing at her, saying, 'Yew. Yew.' The rabbi stopped the mob by acknowledging how ugly each of those women's hats was. It turns out that making fun of hats is very easy. You can even say 'look at that viser,' and people will laugh. It was a great lesson in Lashon Hara, and how to un-embarrass someone by embarrassing everybody else. Now, when we mock people, we mock everybody.

The rabbi is really big on losing weight. He wants somebody to be able to run to first base this season. He feels that other shuls will start respecting our congregation if they can't throw us out that easily.
They lose their personalities. They lose weight and they changed. Can't drink beer anymore. If you used to drink beer and now you can't, you've lost your personality. I lost an old friend to a diet a few years back. We couldn’t eat together anymore. And now she drinks Crystal Light.
I’ve lost a lot of friends with this diet. This diet thing is annoying. It changes their personalities. When somebody can't join me for a piece of Danish, I can't talk to them anymore. And then I'm trying to talk to her, and she's like, 'Let's go for a walk.' What happened to talking over Danish?

Shul day camp is little Simchas way of making money this summer. It’s not even at the shul. It’s a good teenage scam. He watches the kids in his backyard. No fence. He calls it the Open Shul Camp. It's like a school without walls, that has no walls.
No adult supervision. It just so happens that if you put the shul's name on something, safety is not a priority.
 
The July 4th fireworks were nice. Everybody in the shul kept talking about them being the most exciting thing they had ever seen, as there was a crescendo, and then another crescendo.

The questions to the rabbi are annoying. It's too much for anybody. The problem is that the Jewish Family Services charges for counseling.
I’ve heard dumb questions to the rabbi. I just heard his side of the call. ‘You can go to Krogers. They have an excellent dairy section.’ ‘The mortgage is fine.’ ‘Pay your dues. That’s a good idea.’
Everybody complains about the rabbi. Yet, none of them have said, 'We want your position.' That is where Korach went wrong. He had no idea how annoying our members can be.