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Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.
That sidewalk is known as a great pickup spot. Check out the guy putting on the moves. Great line. ‘Nu. You going to Ma’alot Dafna?’ It works all the time. Many people have met their Bashert due to buses showing up late... The other couple is killing the vibe. They've got to give some space. They’re the same people that sit next to the date at the coffee shop. Single people need space. It's awkward talking about how many kids you want in front of other people. (photo: Adam Jones, seen on Wikipedia)
No feeling like having your name on a Coke bottle. And in Hebrew. Is there any other reason to move to Israel???! That's the reason for Aliyah right there. Jerusalem is a close second. BTW If somebody finds Boris, please let him know I have his bottle. I would like to return it to him. Hashavas Aveida.
‘The Race to Shabbis’ is the real title. The English name is off, as the Israeli movie title translation team worked on it. Package says, 'the game of Shabbos preparation- lots of fun...' Kids can play this instead of cleaning the house and running to the grocery, to help their parents prepare for Shabbis. Not helping makes Shabbis more fun... So much education in this game. I want to thank Feldheim’s for these educational games they put out, which teach the children that as long as you are preparing for Shabbat, it is fine to steal from the grocery store. The real question here is, who is that kid running from?... And why do they see Jewish kids like that?
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Chasidim Follow the Rebbe8/31/2022
Last week, we talked about the beautiful Tish experience, where the Chasidim stare at the rebbe while he eats. A beautiful tradition that kills the rebbe's dinner arrangements with his family. I argued with the Chasidim at the Tish and told them to 'let the rebbe eat.' Instead, they were staring at him and taking his food. Truth be told, I got involved in taking the food as well. Once I realized I didn't have to pay for it, I scarfed down a lot of potato kugel.
As I followed my Chassidic friends again this week, I learned that the rebbe is constantly followed; not just when he's eating. They follow him to work, when he's shopping, on holidays. There are always tons of Chasidim around the rebbe. And for good reason. Here is more of what I learned of the beautiful tradition of following the rebbe. You Follow the Rebbe To Learn They learn from every one of his actions. He purchases a hat, they all try to get that hat. He picks up Cabernet Sauvignon, that's what they're all making Kiddish on. He goes for a walk, all Chasidim are getting exercise. Which is why rebbes are suggested to go on walks by health professionals. For the health of their community. He's sleeping, they're there. 'How does the rebbe sleep?... He snores. I need to start snoring.' I heard of one rebbe who cared very much for his Chasidim. The opthalmologist gave him a new prescription and suggested he change his frames, and go for a new style. Rebbes can be very stylish. The rebbe said, 'I can't change my frames. I can't do that to my Chasidim.' I heard that the rebbe was followed into the hospital as well. That might have been because the Chasidim wanted to fulfill the Mitzvah of Bikur Cholim, visiting the sick. However, there were three hundred of his pupils in the room. They had a Tish around the rolling table. The Amazing Site of Chasidim At the Kotel Before the Tish, earlier on Erev Shabbat, I saw the Chasidim following the rebbe at the Kotel. That's how the evening of Shabbat starts. I saw the rebbe walking and the Chasidim running after him. If it was my congregants, I would've been yelling, 'They're following me.' I would've went straight to Kotel security, and told them to deal with their questions. Upon seeing the sea of Chasidim following the rebbe, I noticed the greatest miracle of all. The rebbe was walking, and all the Chasidim were speed walking and running. And yet, somehow, they were all in the same place. How that works is a miracle. It just shows how great the rebbe is. The rebbe walks at a leisurely pace and the Chasidim are running, and yet, they're always catching up. And his legs are not very long. The Relationship Never Stops I went to the previous rebbe's Kever (gravesite) and there were tons of Chasidim there too. First, they're by their rebbe when eating, and now at the Kever. Even at his grave, they're asking him to talk to Gd for them. They never give him a break. I was telling them, 'Let the rebbe sleep.' As I said, 'Let the rebbe sleep. Let him have some peace,' I noticed some of the Chasidim writing notes and placing them in the Kever. They were worried he lost his hearing. No Sleep For the Rebbe The life of the rebbe is one of giving to the community. It starts with the loss of privacy, where they're knocking on your door and asking you questions, while you try to deal with taking out the trash. It then goes to them following you wherever you walk. It leads to not being able to get in a decent prayer meditation at the Kotel. Then, they're showing up to your dinner, and eating your food. And finally, they're at your grave, still asking you questions. The giving never stops. If I learned anything, the relationship with the rebbe is eternal. And at the Kever, I noticed them eating sponge cake. I believe one of them had leftovers from the Tish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Re'eh8/28/2022
Announcements
The yearly shul kickoff BBQ will take place next Sunday. Our shul begins the Jewish new year with Labor Day. Not Rosh Hashana. Nobody will help with cleanup at the BBQ. We thought we should put that in the announcements, as that is part of the yearly event. No help from any congregant. To note, we don't consider manning the grill to be a help. That's hanging out. We don't need eighteen people manning the grill again, this year. Members seem to be planning for holidays already. Holidays are a month and a half away. Calm down. The board doesn't seem to care about the holidays. Seats have not been assigned to lifetime members. There wasn't even a Yizkur appeal. Please don't care yourselves. The Lulav and Etrog will come when the holiday starts. Please stop asking about the Hadasim and Aravot now. The willow branches never make it through the first days of Sukkot. They won't last two months. We are trying to tell everybody to calm down, as the rabbi doesn't want to answer any more questions. We will not be taking sacrifices. Though we are called a Temple, we are not the Beit Mikdash. All sacrifices must be brought to Jerusalem. Please ask the Israeli government about it when you get there. To answer any other questions you have, we will be sure to get donation for people who have passed away, around the High Holidays time. Please keep that in mind, if you come to shul. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... Rosh Chodesh Elul is upon us. The month of repentance. And you have a lot to repent for... Do Mitzvahs. For crying out loud. Do Mitzvot... Why?! You want to get cursed? You want Milka going off on you?... (Devarim 11:27) A Bracha if you follow the Mitzvot… Why this has to be spelled out. Have you ever seen a Mitzvah chart? You never see, 'Yankel got Mitzvah points for hitting Esther'... If you sin, you get cursed. You don't get gummies. Why do I have to spell this out every week? (Devarim 11:29-30) The ‘Bracha on Har Grizim and Klalah on Har Eival... Are they not on the other side of the Jordan????' Why Moshe has to give a geographical lesson. Does nobody know where the Jordan River is?... I just find that none of you study. You look to me for everything... I have to spell out everything for you. The Bracha comes when you do the Mitzvot... Do something. Try to do a Mitzvah. Just one. Something decent. Something kind. Maybe hold a door open for somebody. Something... Then look back. You open a door. You look back... I know that sometimes you have to stand there for a while. I waited eight minutes for Hymie... It was twelve feet. I didn't know somebody could take so many steps and move so little... You have a lot of repenting to do. This shul is full of Eival... The board. The back left... I think the new kid's name is Eival. That's how bad this shul is. One of the families named their kid a curse. They knew that they would bring their kid, and he would have to sit with Bernie… Eival... It's a curse to see him. (Devarim 12:1) 'These are the statues and ordinances that you shall guard to do in the Land God gave you'... All of them. The Mitzvot. Every one of them... Not just the one about not being jealous... We're not negotiating here. You have to keep the Mitzvot... Bracha. You guard them... You want the Mitzvot flying around or something? You guard them. Take care of them. You don't want them stolen... Stealing is Asur, Bernie. It's forbidden. You guard the Mitzvot... It's all Eival here. Even the community BBQ. Eival. You do the Mitzvot right and guard them... You keep them like they're supposed to be kept. Guarded. Without Sharon talking the whole sermon... (Devarim 12:5) You bring the sacrifices to Jerusalem... It's where H' chose... Sacrificing in other places is idol worship... There are correct places. You pray in shul. You don't talk the whole time... You don't practice stealing on vacation in Florida... That was a BBQ. Not a sacrifice. The shul BBQ was messed up. But that was because nobody helped... Helping is a Mitzvah. The place to do that is at shul... Yes. You bring cattle to Jerusalem too... You can travel with cattle. When? (Devarim 12:7) Eat it there and 'you shall be happy.' That's how we know it's done on the Rigalim. You're happy on the holidays... Yes. A commandment to be happy on holidays. A commandment to be happy... I know it's hard for you. With these people around, it's not easy. But it's a blessing to be happy... We're Eival here. Nobody is happy here on holidays. Nobody is happy here ever. I've seen you onegs... The pain you suffer on Shabbis does make it look more religious. But it's painful. It's a curse. Eival The holidays are coming up... No. I am not happy. I have seen what you guys are planning for the Sukkot decorations. A pumpkin in the Sukkah doesn't make me happy... And then the Yom Kippur program??? A Yom Kippur program?! It’s called prayer... You don't need a program for prayer, other than prayer. Programs don't draw people. Less prayer does... (Devarim 12:8) 'Don't do like that which we do here today. Every man what is right in his eyes.' Look around the shul. Do nothing like that which you see here... It's not a board, Bernie... Everything. What is right in your eyes. You guys barely pray. You decorate Sukkahs with carpets on walls. It makes no sense. The shul needs a new carpet... When everybody does what is right in their eyes, we get a community quilt... It's pathetic. It's Eival. We see what goes on in our shul when people do what they think is right... Right in their eyes? The purple and pink Tallis. It clashes. Our Tish... It is the most messed up Oneg Shabbat. Only harmony. No melody... Because you all do what is right in your eyes... That's the curse. That's Eival… Your ideas are Eival… We are at Eival, singing a messed up harmony... I like to call it 90 solos at the same time.... The BBQ has 18 different style hamburgers. None of which are done well... Buying Hadasim and Aravot two months before Sukkot... What is right in your eyes, is messed up God's eyes... I have to sacrifice for this shul. That's why I vacation in Jerusalem. Don’t do like that which we do here today in our shul… It’s messed up. The Siddurs are all ripped.... It's Rosh CHodesh Elul. Do Teshuva. Do what is right in H's eyes... For a Bracha Bernie. Finally. A blessing... Bernie is an Eival. Rivka’s Rundown It was good that the rabbi could give such vivid descriptions of curses and Mount Eival with Bernie. It made the sermon more educational. I believe the rabbi wants Bracha in the shul, though he considers the shul Eival. I think the rabbi meant to say ‘evil’ the whole time. Eival was his code for calling people evil. Eival is actually the name of the death metal band the Gabai plays bass for. Them performing at the Purim Seudah last year was a bit much for Sadie. The rabbi called the congregation a curse. Milka comes to shul and just curses people. Milka loves cursing people. She usually curses under her breath. I appreciate it more when I hear her curses. The whole sermon, she was cursing out Bernie and the board. She gets into the rabbi's Drashas. I like how the rabbi called us all sinners to start the sermon. It reminded us how bad we are, as Elul, the month of repentance is coming. The rabbi should start each sermon with telling the members their sinners. It prepares them for the his weekly message. The message is that we're sinners and we have to do Mitzvahs. I think every sermon is about how we don't do Mitzvahs. Looking back. That is the theme. The rabbi tried scoring another free trip to Jerusalem. It does look more religious to be sad and not happy. My first time at Anshei Emes uSefilah, I thought it was extremely orthodox. More than ultra-orthodox. It was extreme. Extreme is more than ultra. Then I realized they're just very mad and not happy. When I found out the Mitzvah of being happy on holidays, I realized the members are not very religious. I think they get mad around holidays time. They don't like cleaning. That announcement about money for death scared a lot of people away from coming to shul on Yom Kippur this year. I think appeal cards scare people. Though people came to the program. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the Yom Kippur program this year was no praying. It was a half hour discussion about sinning. Many of the members shined at the discussion. They knew a lot about sinning. Definite sinners. The 'no prayer' advertisement drew tons of people. It was a huge hit. They got more people than the rabbi had in the sanctuary. To draw more people to the Yom Kippur program next year, they're thinking about serving refreshments. The rabbi is right. People doing what is right in their eyes is how we ended up with the messed-up chapel with the ark facing out on the Mexican side. We face Mexico when we pray. I know one couple in the shul is praying for a decent Pesach hotel down there this year. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Tish is a table, a Rebbe's table. I'm not a rebbe. Though, I am a rabbi, and I can tell you that pupils can be very annoying. They follow you everywhere. Ask you questions at the weirdest times. There's a cost to being the spiritual leader. I was once asked a question about my pupil's garden in the middle of a funeral service. No boundaries. I told them tomatoes are a nice addition, and I continued with Bernie's eulogy.
I wanted to see how Chasidim followed their rebbe. So, I joined a Friday night Tish. It was an experience, and I respect the rebbe for putting up with his pupils. A great rebbe. The Tish Began They were all looking at the rebbe. Staring at him. He was sitting at the table and they were watching him the whole time. They brought out the food, he started eating, and they all kept on staring at him. I was bothered. I felt bad, and I told them, 'Let the Rebbe eat.' It's impossible to be sitting at your table, enjoying your food, with everybody looking at you. Have you ever tried eating with people staring at you? You can't. You chew and you're asking yourself if you chewed wrong. A bit of privacy and you can enjoy the Kishka. Here, they're looking at him the whole time. Attentively looking at him. He spills and he knows that's what they're going to be talking about for the next few months. All the Chasidim saying, 'The rebbe's Becher is too big.' The rebbe is stuck eating tiny bites of Challah. He knows the Chasidim will be talking, 'Did you see the huge bite? He must've been very hungry today.' This rebbe couldn't do anything without them watching. Every Move The Rebbe Makes is Important and Analyzed The rebbe, the spiritual leader he is, all of his actions are holy. So, the Chasidim take each move to heart, and analyze it. The rebbe trips, 'Why did he trip?... It must be something you're supposed to do on Shabbis Mevorchim, when we bless the new month. It's tradition. You trip when you're blessing the month of Elul.' Every move is important. The rebbe goes for a dental appointment, it's what the Chasidim are talking about. The dentist is booked for half a year. They're arguing, 'I told you that clean teeth are important. As a community, we have to start flossing more. It's what the rebbe wants.' At the Tish, you could hear them whispering to one another, 'And the rebbe is walking to the table... He is now sitting... And he is washing his hands. The crowd is silent.' I heard some of the Chasidim next to me doing a play-by-play, 'The Rebbe is cutting the Challah... Now. He's pouring the salt.' The other guy was commentating, 'He poured too much salt. He has a bad heart. He has to watch it.' The Bleachers Watching the rebbe really is an event. It's kind of like being at huge sports event. That's why they have bleachers and a play-by-play. They had the big table, with the rebbe at the front, and a bunch of the head Chasidim sitting around the table, and then huge bleachers all around to watch the spectacle. Around a thousand fans watching the rebbe, from the bleachers. The Chasidim love watching it, as each move of the rebbe is holy. Even the rebbe eating. I know this, as I heard, 'And they're now bringing out the fish forks. I believe it's gefilte fish tonight.' The next guy shouted with excitement, 'It is gefilte fish. Holy fish.' The Rebbe's Cup That's an expensive cup. I was wondering where the community monies go to. It goes to the Becher. The Chasidim Take His Food Too They call it Shiraim. This is where the food becomes holy and the Chasidim steal it from the rebbe. The rebbe's taking in some boiled chicken, and they're all reaching for it, 'The rebbe's eating chicken.' Kugel comes out, they're all reaching for it, yelling, 'It's Lokshen Kugel.' He took his first bite, and bam, all the Chasidim are reaching for his food. They're not just staring at his food. They're taking it. One Chasid hurled himself at the table, yelling, 'He touched it. It's holy.' This is why the guy was excited about the rebbe eating gefilte fish. He wanted to grab at the grounded up carp. I'm just happy that the holiness didn't cause a scuffle in the bleachers. My hands didn't move fast enough to get any Kugel. My Tish reaching abilities are undeveloped. The Most Beautiful Songs That's what I noticed it was all about. Holiness and a shared spiritual Shabbat experience. The rebbe is a conductor. He lifted his hand, and they got louder. He banged the table, and the zeal of the Chasidim shined. The dancing was amazing as well. The step forward step back in a non-moving line, with intertwined arms is a beautiful staple of the Tish. It was modern Israeli dancing at its best. It became more lively as the evening went on. When the rebbe started banging, the Chasidim were announcing, 'He wants us to sing with more enthusiasm.' And the singing became even more beautifully intense. Some even started doing the backhanded Shabbat clap, where you clap the back of your hand with your palm, to make it different from a regular clap (which you can hear), due to musical instrument laws on Shabbat. In the end, the dancing line turned into Davening. I think they were praying. They were definitely shuckling. The Rebbe Reacts I heard the rebbe talking, as the Chasidim did. I went near him, as he started banging more. I wanted to know what he was really saying, as the Chasidim became more committed to the songs and prayer dance. He was banging and saying, 'Where is My Tzimis? Who took the Tzimis? And where is the Kugel? It was here a second ago. Was it Yankel? He always takes my food. That was a good Kugel. Who took it?!' His hands went in the air, and I as I approached closer, I heard, 'Where’s my wife? Did they kick her out? We were supposed to eat together.' And then he banged again, 'That is not how you harmonize!!! Get the harmony down!!! You don’t sing like that... And clapping with the back of your hand doesn't work. You don’t clap like this!!!' And the Chasidim were still all singing. With one more hit of the table, the Chasidim sang with more fervor, and the rebbe yelled out, 'Where are the napkins?! You've all taken my food with your hands, and there are no napkins.' At which point, the sponge cake came out and the rebbe didn't even get a chance to touch it, before the Chasidim took it. It was Yankel who stole it. To sum it up, it was a beautiful Erev Shabbat. The respect the Chasidim have for their rebbe is admirable. My congregation wants me fired. I believe the rebbe appreciates that his pupils don't want him to have any downtime. They look up to his every action. The rebbe loves his Chasidim. I just believe that at this Tish, he wanted some of his food for himself. It's just sometimes hard for the rebbe to get a decent meal, without being bothered. I am just happy my congregants are a bunch of heretics. Next week, we shall focus on how the Chasidim follow the rebbe, and don't let him rebbe sleep. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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What kind of a kitten comes from the Middle East? A Chukat. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chukat is the Parsha. You mispronounce it, and the pun works. Do the Israeli chach, 'Chet' sound for a while. And it can be funny. The Chu is the purr. This pun is all about delivery. It takes a lot of effort to make this one work. But if you commit, you can educate people on Hebrew, and how the Middle Eastern people talk. How do you curse a nation? Bil-em. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Bill them. Bilam was the prophet Balak sent for to curse the Jews. When you say Bilam fast, it sounds like 'bill them.' You've got to say the pun fast. 'Am' is a nation. Bill the nation. Nobody likes paying bills. That's a curse. Educational. You can learn from puns too. What do we call it when people can't find hot water for their coffee in times of morning? Bein HaMeykarim. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Now is the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, called the Bein HaMeitzarim (between the sorrows). Bein HaMeykarim (between the cold waters) almost sounds the same. People mourn not having their coffee in the morning. Morning. Mourning. That's another pun you can work with. We're here to help. How do Chasidim ask when you're going to read this week's Parsha? Masai. You get it? Masai is the second Parsha we read that week. Matai means when. Masai is how Frum people say it. If the name of the Parsha wasn't Masai, we wouldn't have a pun this week. How do you know it’s Tisha BAv? When you see the table on the ceiling. (Mordechai) You get it? Knowing Yiddish helps with puns. Tish is a table. Above means above. Ceilings are above. You have to say Tisha BAv fast, with an American Ashkenazi accent, for this to work. On Tisha BAv we don't eat, so it doesn't matter if the table is on the ceiling. They met for coffee on their Shidduch date. A few minutes later they were engaged in drinking. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Engaged to get married. They're just drinking. Engaged works for both. Coffee leads to engagement. You may not like the taste of sand. Though, It tastes like desert. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Desert. Dessert. Jews ate Manna in the desert.. Don't know if that was dessert. We needed a no dessert in the desert pun. Mispronounce 'desert' and it's brilliant. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ekev8/21/2022
Announcements
Ripping people off at garage sales is forbidden. The rabbi said it's Asur, along with Bernie asking questions. You can't sell your garbage and call it an antique, cause it's too old and has no use. It's called a faulty sale (Mekach Taot). We understand you don't want wicker chairs. That doesn't make them antiques. But no lying and saying it's better than plastic. The shul day camp was not a success. Just wanted to report something else the congregants did that wasn't successful, thanks to the board. We're cutting back the rabbi’s office hours. He offered to drink coffee with people in his office. That was a mistake, along with being the rabbi of the shul with this congregation. His caffeine levels are too high, as he’s developed a relative addiction. To help him wean off coffee, we’re cutting back office hours and meetings to a half hour a day. The rabbi also offered to drink tea, before we let him know that has caffeine as well. He didn’t know that. The Mountain Dew meetings have also stopped. He thought that was like Sprite. The board has decided to leave out all the names of ancestors from the Yizkor pamphlet, unless the family paid, as they figured that will offend people the most. The board wants everybody to know that death is only important if you donate it. Fulfilling the idea of stomping on Mitzvot, as Parshat Ekev tells us it's because of the Mitzvot we stomp on that we are rewarded as a people, the board and the new president want the members to know they're not important. The new president, who joined last year, decided to also charge entrance to Minyins, as people haven't paid dues. Shacharit is now a $15 entrance. If anybody doesn't pay for the right to say Kaddish, they will be bounced from the shul for heckling the performer, or Chazin. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... (Devarim 8:1) The Mitzvot are so that we will live and inherit the Land... You do stuff to get something in return... Nobody here has ever done a favor for anybody without hope of an inheritance. Why anybody says Hi to Bernie, Hymie and Fran... You haven't visited your mother-in-law, because Medicare took all of her money... You were trying to get a deal on the microwave and fan at the garage sale, Sarah. That's the only reason you smiled... (Devarim 8:2) We're told to remember the desert were we were afflicted and tested. I remember everything this congregation has done to me. The pain you've caused. I have been afflicted by a board... We were in the desert for 40 years. In harsh condition. That's how God sees if we're going to serve Him. He could've just had them spend a Shabbis with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei EMes ESefillah. If they were here with Bernie, Sarah, and the board, they would understand... Was Bernie in the desert?... Being your rabbi is harsh conditions. God knows I’m committed. It was harsh conditions. It was like camp... They were all living on bunk beds, Michael. The stuff they had wasn't as bad as the stuff you were selling at the shul's garage sale. If they would've had the stuff you were selling, that would've been a test... A black and white TV??!... The wicker is full of mold. The wicker was afflicted with Feldstein... You can get mold off wicker. Wicker attracts mold and the Feldstein affliction stays. Sell better stuff. Plastic doesn't get mold... Haggling with Bernie is a test. There was no board in the desert. That's the only positive. The Jews were tested, but not like me... Grandma Faye's broken lawn chair is not an inheritance.,, When things are hard... When we needed to set up for the annual dinner, you ran. When we you had to pay for your kids to go to the shul's camp, you ran. You even stopped coming when the shul realized you were only coming to see me for free coffee... The shul lobby was like a free Starbucks... Running because the board only cares about death. The president... The one sitting to my right... Yes you. Plaques and the Yizkur pamphlets are their inheritance. You can't take that away. They were afflicted with this generation. Give honor to those who are not with us anymore. H' protected us in the desert and He chastised us like a father chastises his son... Similar to the way Mark screams at Rafi. Yes. It's simple. Follow rules... I know that nobody here does. (Devarim 8:6) 'Guard the MItzvot of H' to go in His ways and to fear Him.' That's all you need to do... I chastise you, because the parents do nothing in this shul. They let the kids run around. This is why we go to Israel. To practice the Mitzvot and fear H.' It's moving back home... I know the Feldstein kids ran. I get it... No. Michael. You've got to get out of the house already. And same for you Reuven... Rachel's parents love having her at the home. That's different. She respects her parents and takes out the garbage... House rules. She follows them. And she even sold some of the garbage at the garage sale. (Devarim 7:17-21) 'Don't fear any of the nations'... When you practice Mitzvot you don't have to worry... We have to worry about the building fund, because nobody follows the rules here... Mitzvot are rules. Commandments are rules. We have shul rules that you don't push strolers through the shul... You put names in the Yizkur book. 'Be broken' are the words. You won't break me. It's in the desert that we learned not to fear. After being here, with this congregation, I fear no one... Why do you think I developed a caffeine addiction???! Dealing with... You will not break me. You do stuff because of a relationship. You trust in God. We built that relationship in the desert. And hence, we're ready for an inheritance. You trust, and you don't fear others... If you would've sent your kids to the shul day camp, they would know bad conditions. They would understand they have to give something to the relationship, other than ruining the shul's walls... The hallway is not a bouncy house. You smile at people because they're good to you... It's a relationship. I'm not talking about when they try to sell you wicker... You give deals at garage sales... You light up plaques and put people in the Yizkur pamphlets. They dealt with this congregation, and didn't break. Their inheritance is those plaques. That's our relationship with the past. Not with this president... It's a relationship. They paid their dues. They showed to Minyin. They respected their rabbi. They sent their kids to day camp. You sit with the rabbi. It's a relationship. You show up to day camp, to support. You don't rip off people with messed up bedding at a garage sale... It's not about the inheritance. You do it, and you will get the inheritance... If you need to pay for a plaque, you do it... I understand that you were trying to sell your inheritance at the shul's garage sale. Maybe if you remembered the desert, you'd smile at people and be kind... You don't need an inheritance from Mark... He's not even related to you... Smile at him, because it's a shul rule. It's a Mitzvah... Names go in the Yizkur books... It's a rule. And then people give money. If people just did their part... We had to skip four Aliyahs, because nobody did their part... I understand the president is now charging up front... You hit them up with envelopes afterwards. That's how you get their inheritance. Nobody goes up to the Torah for an Aliyah, to pay... The Jews show their commitment doing Mitzvot. Do those in harsh conditions and show your worthy of the inheritance. If you can practice Mitzvot around the heretics sitting in the back left of our shul... What do you do? How do you show your commitment, to be able to inherit this shul?... I’ve dealt with you. Rivka’s Rundown I think the rabbi was claiming the shul as his at the end of his sermon. He said he dealt with enough here, and that he keeps the Mitzvot. The rabbi looked at everybody and told them they will not break him. It was like he was sticking up to the bully. He turned to the president and reiterated that he won't be broken. The rabbi doesn't like the president. He says the president thinks he's running a business. He doesn't get it. Businesses don't have this much money. You have to be a nonprofit to have the money we have. He's firing people. He's charging for everything now. The president even went over to Sadie at Kiddish and told her, 'That Kichel will be three dollars. Rugulach are four a piece.' After dealing with the board, we know the rabbi is committed to the shul. The rabbi gave his sermon in three minutes. He talked real fast this week. I think the coffee is getting to him. The rabbi made it clear that his relative addiction is to caffeine and it's not an addiction to his relatives, as he doesn't like them well enough. The Mountain Dew meetings were a bit much. The garage sale was messed up. They wanted to sell a lamp for eighty dollars because it was their grandparents' lamp. They said it's in the same condition their grandparents gave it. Their grandparents broke it. We have to respect our ancestors. The rabbi made that part of his new charter. He called it the Torah. Having children that are the members of the shul now is an affliction they all suffered before they died. They deserve plaques. The rabbi gave the best fundraising advice. You do stuff to honor those who passed, you get rid of the president, and then they'll give the money. Then the shul ends up getting the inheritance. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Chofetz Chaim (Rav Yisrael Meir Kagan) was taking a train back to Radin. I believe it was Radin, as that's where he lived, and had his Yeshiva. None of his Talmidim (students) would drive him. Respecting your rabbi has limits. The roads in Poland aren't paved very well. They asked who would escort their rabbi, around the Yeshiva, and nobody showed up to Shiur that day.
This Jewish guy was sitting next to him on the train. Jews like to sit next to Jews on long trips. It gives a decent amount of time to figure out if they know the same people you know. This guy visiting Radin jumps right to the Chofetz Chaim. Everybody in Radin knows the Chofetz Chaim. Every Jew religious Jew in the world knows the Chofetz Chaim. If you're going to call that Jewish geography, that's pathetic. He starts talking to the Chofetz Chaim, not knowing it is he, the Chofetz Chaim. You can't get any privacy on the train. The Jews will find you. The Chofetz Chaim is trying to get some rest, and now he's got to listen to this guy's thoughts on the deli in Lvov. The Chofetz Chaim is thinking, 'Even when they don't know I'm the Chofetz Chaim, they still ask me questions. I can't get away from this. I could be a tailor and they would bother me.' The guy on the train starts saying how he's going to meet the great Tzadik of Radin, the Chofetz Chaim. If he would've read Shmirat HaLashon, the Chofetz Chaim's book on not speaking Lashon Hara (bad about people), he would know that was Avak Lashon Hara. So, he's going to meet the Chofetz Chaim, without learning his work. You go to meet Stephen King, you read The Shining. The Chofetz Chaim responded, 'Why are going there? He's not that great. He's just a simple Jew.' And the Jewish guy got angry, started the cursing the Chofetz Chaim and hit him. He then came to visit the Chofetz Chaim in his house, and he was embarrassed. The Chofetz Chaim is sitting there with a shiner. He's now asking himself, 'How shall I ask the Chofetz Chaim for blessings and advice about having kids? I clocked him pretty good.' He didn't know what to do. He continued asking himself, 'How did I not realize it's you, the Chofetz Chaim... Now that I see his right side, it's him.' The man asked for forgiveness, and the Chofetz Chaim said that he needn't ask for forgiveness. The Chofetz Chaim was thankful he got hit. He had written an entire book about not speaking Lashon Hara, and he missed the law of not speaking Lashon Hara about oneself. And the guy offered to hit the Chofetz Chaim again. And the Chofetz Chaim learned you can't talk to anybody. You can't say anything to people without offending them, even if it's about yourself. From then on, he was afraid to crack jokes. This was before the Will Smith incident. From then on, The Chofetz Chaim then had to say he was great. But he didn't. As he knows that that's Avak Lashon Hara about yourself. Lessons of What Followed The Chofetz Chaim's students realized it was time for a picture of the Chofetz Chaim to get out. So, they had him pose with a big Kippah. If they had put out a decent photo of the Chofetz Chaim, this whole incident could've been avoided. All simple Jews were offended. Till now, they thought it was an honor to be a Jew. As they learned from the story, being a Jew is not a very important thing. The Chofetz Chaim should've smacked him for speaking Avak Lashon Hara. The real lesson is to never speak about yourself in third person. What's amazing is that when the Rebbe of Lublin said he wasn't that great, he was praised. The Chofetz Chaim gets pummeled. It goes to show how times change. Thanks to this guy, now the Chofetz Chaim had to write another book. We don't know where the Chofetz Chaim was traveling from. It was definitely a violent area. After leaving town, the guy spread word about how the Chofetz Chaim can take a hit. Word spread and the Chofetz Chaim got a reputation, and nobody messed with him anymore. The Lubavitcher Rebbe also said one shouldn't speak Lashon Hara about themselves, but he didn't have to take a hit for it. The Chofetz Chaim left the guy's name out of the story, as that would be Lashon Hara. And thus, we have many beautiful Jewish stories that are never told. When it comes to Tziporah and Moshe, they talk about them. But that's it. And I believe there's a leniency somewhere to talk Lashon Hara about your rabbi, as that's a tradition in all Jewish communities. Please note that we feel bad telling this story, as it might be Lashon Hara. ***See Alei Tamar on the Yerushalmi. If I got the story wrong, you should blame Rav Yisachar Tamar Alav HaShalom. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.
The House Should Take Up The Whole Property Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house. Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall. The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build. If You Have A Front Lawn Use It Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living. You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. Don’t Mow It Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way. Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress. Mezuzahs on the Doors All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites. Renovations Should Be Done Always You always need additions. You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money. There should always be a dumpster in front of your home. Minivan in Driveway You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum. Other Stuff You Can Do Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside. Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning. Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living. No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best. The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The singles dinner for Tu BAv will take place next week. No singles signed up for the dinner tonight. We realized that charging money chases single people away. We also learned that they're not good at committing to anything. For this reason, the event will take place next week, with no commitment from anybody. We were advised that the exact numbers we should cook for is 'a lot.' We will host them instead, so they don't have to give anything to anybody. They're not used to giving. No more Carlebach Chazins. No more jumpers. We need to be able to find you. From now on Cantors must stand at the Chazin’s podium. If you're leading services, you cannot end up in somebody's seat, or somewhere outside the shul. There are Yahrzeits in the shul this week. Don't worry. The office will send you letters to make sure you donate money. All deaths are logged for financial reasons. If you're single, please get married. It depresses us to have to see you in shul. You would look less pathetic with a Tallis or head-covering. Please. For the sake of the children of the shul and their hope for a decent future, get married. The parents of the shul are having a hard time explaining you. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People who Don't Pay Dues... The word 'VaEtchanan' comes from Chanun. Compassion. When Moshe prays to God, he is asking for His compassion. The same way I ask for compassion from my congregants to not bother me... who can't figure out what a Shoresh is... It's the root word, Bernie. Chanun is the Shoresh of VaEtchanan... Every sermon, I have to give a five minute course on what the Parsha is... Go over the Parsha. If you listened at Hebrew school... Pray for the single people. They need your help. Single people need your compassion. Look at them. They're pathetic... Moshe wants to go to Israel and H' tells him no... Moshe listens, unlike the board, who feels that baseball games is what the community needs... We need a Minyin. We need people who donate money when there's a Yahrzeit... Bills! Bills, Bernie. (Devarim 3:26) Moshe tells the people that H' told him, 'It is enough for you. Speak to Me no more regarding this matter.' I tried telling this to the board, but they're not religious. Why can't I get the congregants to stop asking me questions... If you listened, we would've had a normal singles event... I know they can't commit. That's why they're single. Your questions regarding fundraising. It's too much. Somebody dies. You make money off it. They die and you ask the family for money. It's not hard. You don't complicate it with candle light vigils... I told you we need a cantor who will get through the davening. You bring a guy to sing Carlebach songs. We can't even find him half the time. He's hopping all over. Speak to me no more regarding this matter. Rashi quotes Sifrei who translates 'Rav Lecha' (too much for you) to mean that 'you have much.' I know single people have nothing... We have a lot. Those who aren't single have a lot. A great family... We have to understand that, and see the good we have. We can't go jumping away from the good, adding to stuff all the time. Be happy with what you have, unless if you're single. Single people have very little. If anything... Just stick to what you have... The Feldsteins have very little... Everybody talks about how pathetic your home is. Even the single people... We have a beautiful Tefillah. The prayers are amazing. Accept what we have. We have beautiful prayers. The congregants have no idea what they mean, but they're beautiful. We can't have a Chazin jumping away from it. We lost the Chazin. He was a jumper… Middle of Lecha Dodi, where did he go?! That’s what we were trying to figure out all last night... We were happy to see you this morning. We thought you got lost in your jumping… The Carlbeach Chazin is too much… He jumped off the Bima and ended up somewhere in the corridor… You stay on your stage. We had no idea where you were. We thought we lost you... You have a spot. You have much. It's a beautiful spot with a podium. Stay there... We have people who love baseball. A great shul fantasy league. We have much. The congregants have no idea who Pinchas was. They know who Vladimir Guerroro Jr. is. We have much talking in the middle of Davening... H' tells Moshe to go up to the top of the Mountain and see it. Sometimes you have to notice that there's a future. You accept your spot in this world and you give to the future... Bernie. You've done enough. Sometimes it's time to move on... (Devarim 3:28) He tells Moshe, 'Tell Yehoshua to be strong and courageous.' He tells Mosh to pass the leadership on... 'Strong and courageous.' The only advice I got from the board was 'watch out for Bernie'... You support me. You don't tell me to watch out for the membership. You don't tell me that you'll be a thorn in my side... Like Moshe gave Yehoshua the correct advice, give the single people decent advice. Not hand-me-downs. Help them get married... I know Tu BAv was yesterday. Give them hope... Even if it's a lie. Tell them they have to be strong. Go to the gym and work out to meet somebody. These people are so out of shape in our shul. You can't meet anybody if you're weak... To our single people. Be strong. Start working out. And you might have some courage... They have very little to offer. Why is everybody wearing white?… It's the Tu BAv tradition to run to the fields too. You're not running. You're too out of shape. Very not strong... You’re married. It's not showing solidarity with the single people to wear white. You're stealing their dates. Single people are supposed to wear the white stuff. The women wear it and the guys know they're single. And you don't even cover your hair. How are the single guys supposed to know to not hit on you... The ring is tiny... We know the Feldsteins are poor... It's all too much. This whole shul is too much. Be happy with what you have. Don't make it too much. Even at the baseball game, you all ate so much... We have so much in this shul. Stop sharing ideas with me. It's annoying already. See all the stuff we have. Maybe open the Chumash and go over the Parsha... So, I don't have to explain everything, Bernie... Have compassion on your rabbi and stop asking so many questions. Rivka’s Rundown Second week in a row where the rabbi's message was that the shul is too much. He's correct. The congregants are painful. The shul doesn’t pay the bills. That's why we still have a building fund. Forty years running. A building fund. They built the building and didn't have the funds. We've had a thermometer outside the shul for the past forty years. I think the rabbi was too honest with the single people. They did mess up. They know it. They spent their post Tu BAv crying about how they have nothing. It's hard to know who's single in shul. When you're in the middle of the Amidah (Silent prayer) you don't know who to hit on. We need married codes. The problem is the members aren't religious enough. If they were, we would see Sheytels. Those wigs are clear. A real Sheytel lets you know that's a married woman. When you see twice the amount of normal hair on somebody, you know they're married. I think we need tags. Modern people will wear tags. They won't cover their hair. We don't have to worry about the men. Nobody hits on them. The men in our congregation look awful. I think the rabbi told Bernie it's time for him to die. Between us, his kids won't give anything to the shul. They probably won't even buy a plaque. The Chazin was jumper. Very good height on his bounces. The rabbi truly was worried we lost him. He even sent a search party out before reading the Torah. They did eat a lot at the baseball game. And they begged for more. They wanted more. They were praying for more, and the rabbi had to tell them ‘it’s too much for you. You’ve had a lot.’ This is part of the reason they're out of shape. The fantasy league is a bit much. They have a chart in the back of the shul showing where the congregants are placing in the fantasy league. They took down one of the memorial plaque boards for the chart. They said their ancestors were baseball fans. It's an embarrassment. The men can't figure out how to call up anybody for an Aliyah, but they have the order of the fantasy standings down. They have no idea what their parents' Hebrew names are, but they can name every rookie in the National League. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch. What are similarities? Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. And that's it? Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. That's it? Just Jewish? Yes. Jews are very similar. In what way? They're Jewish. Do you do research? I study. I’m a history buff. Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes? Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew. But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel. That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish. What are they? Frum. So, how do you set them up? I don't. I set up their parents. If their parents say yes, they get married. How do the parents know what the kid wants? The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. What do the kids want? I talk to the parents. How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews? Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them. How do you do that? If they both speak English. English. But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard. Exactly. Then how do you limit the options? I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married. How do you know it's right? God. God creates Shidduchim. Then what are you doing? Figuring out who's Jewish. Doesn't God know who's Jewish? It's a complicated matter. Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married? Yes. When I get the money. I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side. How do you charge? Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge. Not all marriages are good. That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings. 100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents. The documents? When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof. Do you work with the Shidduch resume? I’ve found many single people good jobs. Isn't the resume for finding people a match? If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important. Do you use it for anything else? Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities. What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven? Those guys live in Topeka. No chance. Then how will they meet somebody? I'll set them up. They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka. That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English? Yes. If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen. Conclusion Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up. I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.' The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married. In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance. The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English. I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues. You Need a Reason for a Minivan To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries. You Save Money On Dues Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin. There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids. You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl. The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not. I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them. You Can Enjoy the Holidays You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop. You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. Reason for A Freezer The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. Real Frum families have a walk in. It's a Mitzvah Nobody thought about that. Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do. Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary. So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Tisha BAv food drive is going to take place on the fast day itself. We know that you give food you don't like. Disgusting food, like peas and carrots. So, the Chesed people aren't worried that it'll make you hungry. We’re also looking to encourage poor people to mourn with us, and we believe that your food donations of canned vegetables, and bad purchase like almond butter, will help. The break-fast will take place at the Schwartz's home. Hopefully they'll cook something decent this year. We did tell them that nobody likes ground chicken schnitzel. They apologize for last year’s chicken schnitzel fopaux. They said they’ll be sure to not grind up decent food this year. We are going to have Effie do Anim Zmirot from now on. He’s the best kid and he has proven to be the most violent. The Gabai doesn't want to get between the fourth-grade boys fighting over who is going to lead services. He has a family and needs to stay healthy for them. The cause of baseless hatred is taking too long with Mishebeyrachs. We understand you want to bless your family, the shul, your neighborhood, all of Klal Yisrael, the Olam, and all of your cousins by name, but people want to eat Shabbat lunch. From now on, you can’t steal more than twelve minutes of davening with one Aliyah. The board has decided that if you're wealthy enough, we can wait. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People… I was late. I was stuck behind Herman. He’s a very slow walker. Then, I made the mistake of holding the door for him… Herman. You caused Davening to take another forty minutes this week, when you went up for your Aliyah… We had to wait for you to get up. Walk faster… Then get a better walker… You made us wait in shul too. You should’ve skipped the Mishebeyrachs. Those blessings for your family were way too long… There’s a certain point where you don’t bless everybody by name… Like your friends in the office… You just make us wait, Herman… And Bernie is worse… (Devarim 1:6) H’ tells the Jews, ‘You’ve been at this mountain long enough.’ ‘Rav Lachem’ are the words used. ‘It’s too much for you.’ ‘It’s too much for you to be here.’ Couldn’t dwell at Har Chorev. We were in shul way too long today, thanks to Herman... It felt like we were dwelling here. THat's the length. Too much. They were at Sinai long enough. At some point, it’s too much. God wants you out. Move on. Get out… Yes. Reuven. You’re now twenty-eight years old. Get out of the house… It’s your parent’s house. 'It's too much for you.' The proper way of telling people you want them out. Being at this shul is too much for me. Twelve years with you. Pain… I understand H’ may have not been talking about pain. I’m talking about how painful it is… There’s a certain amount of time where it turns into pain. The third month in this shul… Topeka is too much for you… 'It's too much for you.' That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past twelve years... It's a proper way of trying to get people to leave, Bernie... The Mishebeyrachs are too much. Too much for this congregation. Not all of your kids can lead davening. Just Effie…. It’s too much. Too much fighting. Too many messed up Aliyahs by the Gabai... It's too much for you. I've told the Gabai this for years. Can't get rid of him... This all causes hatred. We have Tisha BAv tonight. And there is hatred because of how you act at shul. The Mikdash Miat. The Small Temple, and there is so much hatred. It’s all too much. Can you imagine what happened when the Gabai called up the wrong lamb for the sacrifice?... It’s too much for all of us. It’s too much for the Schwartzs to host. They can’t cook…. As long as there's split pea soup and croutons, that's all you need... Need the soup nuts and split pea soup to break the fast... Tradition. What does 'too much for you' mean? In this congregation, it means 'I can't help out.' If cleaning is needed after Kiddish, 'I can't help out... I've got to leave my paper plate on the table.' If Herman needs help moving, 'I can't help out. I'm sitting.' If Tzedakah is needed, 'I can't help out. I worked overtime last week. That's my money. I can't pay dues either...' Rashi quotes Sifrei and explains ‘Rav Lachem’ to mean that God has given the Jewish people ‘much greatness’ at the mountain ‘as a reward for having lived there.’ H’ gave us ‘the Mishkan , the menorah… the Torah… Sandhedrin, and leaders.’ At some point, you have to move on. It's too much to baby you. H' has already given you enough here... I have given so much to you. Please leave. Sorry. I mean to say, 'It's too much for you'... When you become passive, it’s over. You can't depend on me for every little thing. Move on. Stop bothering me with your questions. It's too much… You need to learn something to move on… You don’t have a Mishkan… Is this a Tabernacle, Bernie?... You don’t show up to shul… Your parents should’ve taught you to cook. You can move out now, Reuven. You should’ve learned how to daven… Getting rid of some of the membership wouldn’t be bad... Chorev is Sinai. Learn something… It’s painful dealing with you. It’s too much to explain everything to you… (Devarim 1:12) Moshe goes on, ‘How can I bear your trouble, your burden, and your strife all by myself?’ That's how I feel. You're a burden... No strife? Have you heard Harriet at Kiddish? And then the Sheytel committee???!!! Strife. Rashi translates ‘trouble’ to show that the Israelites were troublesome… You do follow tradition. And that is beautiful. Yes. It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You don't care about your leader. That's why its too much for me too. When Moshe brings up the idea of having other leaders, (Devarim 1:14) the people responded to Moshe, ‘What you say is good.’ Like they wanted him out. I get the feeling you’re ungrateful… Did you ever say, 'Rabbi. You know. Maybe you should have the honor of opening the ark for Anim Zmirot.' Ungrateful... I can take Effie... It's all too much, because you mess things up. H' realized that it was enough at Har Sinai. The people took what they could... You become complacent. Do messed up stuff. A Tisha BAv food drive. Why is everything a food drive?... I understand that Chesed is the big thing now... I think that mourning the loss of the Temple is much kinder than giving a poor person food on a fast day… It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You're a burden. You even cause strife with poor people... They're taking this messed up food you give them and now they're mad at this congregation... Yes. They're saying it's not enough. Tu BAv, the holiday of love is coming up. I hope you are less trouble... You're Shidduch for Shaindy last year was messed up. Too much... Take it easy on the singles. Your messed up Shidduch ideas are too much... Forget about the fact that they live 3,000 miles away and don't speak English. You suggested a bouncy house. A bouncy house?... I understand that Campy Castle is fun. They're thirty-five... When something is for two and up, you look off going at thirty-five. Especially when you're single. It's wrong... Put the singles in your Mishebeyrachs. You can help the single people... Oy. It's too much. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just gave up at the end of his sermon. He even threw up his arms as he left the podium. It seems like a large part of the sermon was the rabbi trying to get the members to leave the shul. He wanted them to leave Topeka. To never come back to our city again. I think he feels that our congregants are too much for the county. The rabbi ended up composing a new Piyut, hymn, called 'It's too much for you.' In the Piyut for Tisha BAv, he has an acrostic that says 'The members of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah are very annoying.' It’s hard hearing it from your parents. Can you imagine hearing God tell you it’s time to move out? I don't know how Reuven would take it. I do think he would still stay. He hasn't left his parents house. He's still there. Reuven has to get out of his parent’s house. Nobody showed up for shul on Tisha BAv. They showed up for the break-fast. The fasting is too much. And nobody helped the Schwartz family set it up. It was too much for them. People really don't help with anything in the shul. One of the kids didn't even do Barchu at his Bar Mitzvah. The Gabai called him up. The Bar Mitzvah boy went up to the Torah and said, 'It's too much.' I think they've missed the message of too much. As the rabbi said, it was about moving on, they've accomplished what they could. The rabbi did say that our membership has accomplished nothing. It might be the other lesson of giving to other people that the rabbi feels our congregation can connect with. 'Give to the community by leaving us... It's too much for you. Give to others.' The Schwartzs had no idea people were coming for the break-fast. They thought that since they didn't come on Tisha BAv, they wouldn't come for the break-fast. To note, the reason people didn't come on Tisha BAv is that there was no food at shul. The break-fast had split pea soup. You need split pea soup with croutons to break a fast. They scored big with that split pea. It saved the break-fast. I was thinking about the break-fast the whole sermon. I was worried about fasting. Once the rabbi mentioned Tisha BAv, I had a nervous breakdown. I ran home and ate the rest of the day. Everybody started saying 'It's too much for you.' It was the new code for 'I don't want to speak to you.' The congregation became very passive aggressive. Herman walks very slow. That's not a question. Calling him up to the Torah for an Aliyah is too much for everybody. Herman had the rabbi find his Mishebeyrach list. That took five minutes; which was less time than it would've taken for Herman to get back to his seat. And then he did a twenty minute Mishebeyrach or so. The new Mishebeyrach rules have been charted. The first rule is 'get the blessings over with, quick.' The bylaw reads, 'Nobody cares about your family and your friends. Don't say all their names.' Effie is a bit of davening bully. He tells all the other kids he’s better than them. The parents were mad, hearing their kids aren’t good. They already know their kids aren’t good at sports. Now they’re hearing they’re not good Jewish leaders. Shul troubles. There are many. And it is all because the congregants do stuff. I believe that anything they do is too much. People should never set people up. I believe there wouldn't be so many single Jews right now, if people wouldn't try to help. If people didn't help, people would get married. They would probably date people they're attracted to. We thought the rabbi was saying he wanted to retire. He wanted a raise. If Moshe would’ve just said he wanted a raise to deal with the people, they would've foregone the other leaders idea that Moshe was bringing up. He should've just said he wanted a raise to deal with the issues. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight. This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards. Gorge Before the Fast Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast. The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one. You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier. Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment. Gorge After the Fast The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after. The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction. Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me. It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg. The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple. Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XII8/2/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to expensive Shabbat food during the week, another great Jewish board game, and some of Jerusalem in commemoration of the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he writes notes at the Kotel, and then crumples them up.
Are you a millionaire if you're not practicing God's Mitzvahs? Yes. That's not the point of the game though... The game of Jewish values teaches kids how to do Mitzvot, the commandments, correctly, allowing the child to buy good deeds. The true goal is to not have to do Mitzvot, as they are not very profitable. Economics. You focus on making money, so you don’t have to do Mitzvot yourself... The real question is: Do you want to be a millionaire or a Mitzvahnaire? I want to be a Mitzvahnaire... Other questions that arise include: Why do Mitzvot if you’re not going to make money off it?... Based on the cost of the game, the store is definitely making money off it… And those are Jewish children on the game. That’s how they see Jewish kids.
Amazing. Shabbis all the time. I thought I didn't have to pay. I went in and wished them a good Shabbis and they charged me... I think these people are exploiting Shabbis to make a lot of money... Corned beef at twenty-eight dollars a pound. If that's what Shabbis costs, I don't have enough money for Shabbis anymore… I’m going to stick to the one-day Shabbis. I’m going to have to start saving up to do the one-day Shabbis.
That's the Kotel. It's not a reptile that ate a lot of memos... It seems that people will do anything to get their requests read by Gd. Even if it means crunching in somebody else's note, so it can't be opened... After going to the Kotel daily, I started caulking my bathtub with little bits of paper.
That's what your city looks like when you don't do renovations for 2,000 years... Kol Hakavod, all the honor, to all of those that are still mourning the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, the Temple, refusing to give into modern architecture... They did have graffiti in the times of the Temple, and it lasted till Hadrian started killing people for bad handwriting.
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What did the people of Sedom learn? Gomorrah. You get it? Sedom and Gomorroah. Gemara is what we learn. Gomorrah was wicked with Shechem. They wouldn’t have been wicked if they learned Gemara. This pun doesn’t work in Hebrew, as it’s Amorah. Amorahs are rabbis who wrote the Gemara. A very confusing pun. Sometimes, you have to leave the people not understanding what the point of the pun is. If you don't ask, it's free. They wanted 24nis for a kilo of eggplant. I took it and didn't even have to pay. I've never been so happy shopping at the Shuk. I feel like I got a great deal… With this new shopping technique, I feel like I will save a lot of money.
Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.
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8/31/2022
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