Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.

Mahmoud Abbas was educated at the University of Damascus. Studied law where he learned the legal right to create history.
Fatah has spent time under Abbas ensuring that they have a history, and I support that. It's not an easy task, and Abbas has taken it on. Much respect.
Abbas has taught that Big Ben was stolen from Palestine. A well-known fact, the clock was placed at Westminster Palace in 1858, after being stolen from Hebron in 1922. He has also empowered his people with knowledge of the Israeli aggressors, who use sharks to attack Gaza. The violent aggressors who trained wild pigs to destroy their fields in the settlements, Israelis also train rats to only bite Arabs. Which, if I may say is the greatest act of modern-day warfare.

I am here to help with more "Palestinian History" and propaganda about the "Israeli Aggressors."
The PLO has done a brilliant job of creating a history that did not exist. Let's help with more history for the Palestinians and their heritage of discovering the Western World.

More Palestinian History You Didn't Know
The Statue of Liberty was made by Palestinians in the year 1304 CE. They delivered it to Jaffa. Then the Americans stole it.

The Arabs built up Tel Aviv from nothing. Then Israelis stole the hotels. The huge breakfast served at Israeli hotels is Arab heritage, known as the Adhan.
It turns out that Israelis stole Mezuzahs from the Muezzin. Mezuzahs are a small Muezzin.

In 1492 Saleem sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. His ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, were built in Gaza. And they traveled from the Mediterranean Sea. They first discovered Cyprus. And then America. Not many people know that Cyprus was first discovered in 1492.

The Palestinian people colonized many countries. A history they are very proud of.
The first colonizers of South Africa were Palestinians. Very light-skinned Palestinians.

Waterloo. That was them. Arafat led the charge.

Astrodome. Their idea. They built it.

Byzantine Empire was the Palestinian people's. Byzantine is ancient Greek for Palestinian.

Arafat received the Torah at Mount Sinai, and then took it to Lebanon when the Hashemite Kingdom rejected it. Another piece of Palestinian history we are very proud of.

Queen Esther was a Palestinian girl named Fahid. Her uncle, Mordechai, was really Mamoosh. The Jews stole that story from Mahmoud Abbas. He can prove that.

I left out much of the Palestinian historical facts, such as their building of the Great Wall of China. Which was first known as the Great Wall of Gaza. Which the Chinese stole, brick by brick, in the year 9,427 BCE, around 67.995 million years after the Palestinians first claimed autonomy to their homeland in Uzbekistan, which is modern day Israel.

Palestinian Facts of Israeli Aggressors
The Palestinians are the strongest nation, since the dawn of time. As early as sixty-eight million years ago, when Farid rode a stegosaurus rex to the Temple in Jericho on a motorcycle, Palestinians were already conquering the world. Yet. They have to deal with the Israeli aggressors. Too much aggression.
To note. Palestinians created choppers and that was stolen too. By Israelis.

Israelis have trained chickens to give salmonella poisoning to the people of Ramallah only.

The Jews use the Purim packages, known as Mishloach Manot, to transport thimble sized alcohol that can blow up Arabs. But they give it to Jews, and it doesn’t blow up. Go figure how the Israeli aggressors work.

Israelis birthed around 175k kids in 2024, so they will have more soldiers to fight in the war. The first word of an Israeli child is "I am a colonizer." And then the babies train pacifiers to pass on poison to Arab babies. The poison pacifiers make sure to only sell themselves to Arab Muslim kids.
Shark Tank is a ploy to overtake Palestinian Villages the settlements, known by the colonizers as the West Bank. Jordan is run by Jews.

Palestine was an autonomous state with its own people. Sixty-eight million years of autonomy till the Jews claimed falafel and shwarma as theirs.

The Israelis are not the Israelis. I believe Abbas did say this.
The real Israelis are the people living in Manila. Very bothersome, as the people living in the Philippines are truly the aggressors here. And that is Palestinian history and how they dealt with the Israeli aggressors.
I hope this all makes sense.

Last fact of Israeli aggressors: Jews implanted explosives in pagers to blow up members of Hezbollah. Now it all makes sense. Abbas' is definitely right about the sharks.

Conclusion
To learn more about Palestinian history, I would suggest purchasing a book. I saw a history book selling on Amazon. It was empty. Pages were blank, expressing the rich and honest history of the Palestinian people and their ancestors.

They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again.
I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists.

Genocide
Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide.
You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack.
Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell.
They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call.
We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo."
And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us.

Torture
They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners.
Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are singing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune.
I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating.

There Was a Palestinian State
No. There wasn't. Never.

Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews
No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement.

FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers
FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.'

Jews Try to Be Funny
Jews take a chance at being funny.
Fact: Sometimes they're not.

Israelis are Aggressors
They claim Jews are aggressors.
Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people.
We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews.
It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language.
They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'.

Apartheid
This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition.

ELAL is Giving Deals
No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war.

The Death Toll in Gaza is...
I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now.
I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are.
They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor.
We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it.

People Like Carlebach Minyins
Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul.
Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN.

Occupiers
They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation."
My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation."
Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba."

Israel Has Elections All the Time
That's true.

The People of Gaza are Innocent
They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas.
Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet.
Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match.

I hope this helps.
There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about.
It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times.
They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea.
"Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes.

Last time we discussed haggling. Now we will discuss practice and working the techniques. The Third of What They Say Technique, The You Name the Price and Run With What You Want Technique, The Walk Away Method. The Purchase What You Don’t Want Tactic. How do you prepare for Israel?! That is today's question.
Practice. Like anything in life, you must practice. You don’t just show up as a tourist expecting to get a bargain. You don't just show up to the Kotel expecting to not get attacked by the Tefillin guy, unless if you've been practicing your wind sprints. You don't just order falafel and expect to get an extra falafel ball, unless if you told them to hold off on the salads - a money topping method used by the skilled falafel purchaser who has practiced balancing the free salatim - a money saving method for the thrifty falafel eater. You prepare. You study. You learn Hebrew. I have a friend who spent five years getting her doctorate in Hebrew, just so she could get a decent deal on avocados at the shuk.
 
Tzimtzum and Me
Maybe I'm using that word wrong.
Haggling comes with practice. It's not just a skill set. It's a mindset. Haggling is a way of life. If you have pride, you'll never be able to get a deal. Hence, you must practice to develop the necessary skills for not caring about other people judging you for saving a shekel on a bag of pickles.
Making the shuk guy feel like he got ripped off. Not feeling bad arguing over the cost of a falafel ball. Walking in well polished shoes, letting them know you won't budge. It takes years to get to that point of not feeling shame over the shekel and a half. I am proud to say I am there.
After twenty years of living in Israel, practicing my skills, I have saved a good 15nis. True pride, if I may say so. And that only came with the understanding of myself, and not caring if I women are attracted to me.

Tooting My Horn - Inspiration for Haggling Practice Overseas
I'm a haggling savant. Nothing will stop me from getting a better deal. That's the attitude you must have, even when you're in America, which is not in the Middle East (most Americans are not aware of this tidbit). Remember, you must stay in practice. Something not easy to do, when the people working at Macy's think the price tag with the sale sign on it is the final price.
To stay in practice, you must complain. Complaining is paramount to bargaining technique. You want to let them know how bad the product is, which is why you want it. Many sales people don't get this. I went to the manager’s office at Macy’s and sat down to discuss how I didn't like the price tags. It turned out to be a decent conversation, and I walked out with nothing.
Purchasing a home? Show up and let them know you don't want it. That will throw them for a loop.

Practice Wherever You Are
If I haven't inspired you yet. Work on your haggling skill set. Wherever you are, keep your haggling up to snuff.
To keep myself in practice and ready for the shuk vendors, I've haggled with vending machines. It's hard to get a decent deal on the Snyder’s sourdough pretzels. But I was persistent. When haggling with a machine, you want to employ the Violent Yell Back Method. Whack the machine while screaming at it and a decent bag of pretzel fifths might come out.

A Story to Inspire You
I've used my haggling skills in America, and I've gotten deals. Sometimes it is a shocker. The pizza shop guy didn't see it coming. He was selling pizza.
The pizza shop guy said the slice was $3.75. I told him there was no way I was paying $3.75 for the last slice of pizza on that pie. I told him, ‘$1.50.’ Remember, you decide the price. That was the first time in my life that I got a slice of pizza for free. He said, ‘Please take this slice and never come back.’
You see, haggling works everywhere. Just keep your skills fresh.

Remember, the best place to practice is department stores. They have employees that are there to field questions that make no sense. And they have security, which adds an extra dimension to the haggling experience, when they're trying to throw you out.
Keep your skills fresh and haggle with the marked prices and sales at department stores in America, and the shuk vendors will be a breeze.

My friend who worked on her Hebrew, she still got ripped off. She knew Hebrew, but she sounded like an American. Point is, you must practice.
She regrets learning Hebrew. To quote, 'Why learn Hebrew if you can't get a deal.'

You want to shop at the shuk and not get ripped off. Equip yourself with haggling techniques. First step is not being frightened by people yelling at you in a language you don't understand. If you have the courage to get passed being berated for standing in the produce section, near the avocado, here are haggling techniques to help you save the money. Mind you, shuk vendors are very passionate about their avocado.

The Methods
The Third Method
Always respond with a third of whatever price the vendor says. Some people say half, but I that’s very poor methodology. Half is where you might end the negotiation. He says 30 shekels, you say 10. 6nis, you say 2. He says 100, you say 33.3333333. The product isn’t important. He says, ‘Pears are 200.’ You say, ’66.6666666.’ He goes for a crazy number like 102nis, walk away. You don't have time to start figuring out those calculations. Only negotiate with round numbers. If they start playing that game they play, where you have to start using divisibles that have nothing to do with 3, run.
You get him down on the loquats from 70 to somewhere in the teens, you did good. You might be overpaying, as you do not know the going rate for tiny citrus fruit, and you made the mistake of sticking around with a weird divisible (it happens). Yet, you're still getting a deal. You might have no idea what a loquat is. Remember, haggling a mindset.

The Walk Away
This is a great way to get a deal. Just walk away. This allows for the vendor to haggle with himself. The haggling will happen if you're involved or not. You walk away, they're saying, 'OK. I go down.' You keep on walking, they're saying, 'Oh. A hard bargainer. I give you thirty shekels off.'
Shuk vendors are excellent at haggling. Pros. Don't get involved in the negotiation. He can bring himself down to 0 shekels with ease.
No vendor is satisfied with not making the sale. He will follow you through the shuk and abandon his store for you. By the time you are at your car, he'll be placing the almonds and sunflower seeds in your trunk at no charge.
The key here is to walk away and not talk. If you're on your phone and don't even realize the vendor is talking to you, all the better. You'll get an amazing deal.
 
The Product You Don't Want Method
For this to work you have to not want the product. The greatest way to get a deal is to get something you have no use for. Something that will absolutely ruin the look of your home.
This method has been overlooked by too many people. The best way to haggle is to go shopping for stuff that is useless to you. Purchase something you truly despise, you'll always come out a winner.
This is the next step in The Walk Away Method. Here, you are walking away and saying, ‘I do not want it. I didn't even ask for it. Why are you following me.’ And you truly don't want the handheld fan. If you use this method correctly, they will pay you for the product.
This is the reason I always go shopping for paddles with the attached rubber ball. I don’t like the game, don’t want the paddle and only get frustrated when I use it.
Many times this works best when you don't initiate anything. The shopkeeper asks if you want a bango, calling you his friend. You say no. Next thing you know, he's giving you deals on this bango you don't want. Due to this more advanced technique, I've been purchasing stuff I didn't even know they had. One guy was trying to get rid of a butterfly amulet. Didn't want it. I have no idea what butterflies have to do with Israel, or screaming at me. Didn't even know I bought it. He said, 'Here. Give me a shekel and take it.'

The Yell Back Method
You yell at them. You scream loud enough and scare them. That's when you get the deal.
Note, you have to be louder than them. They're only scared of people who can shout the cost of that day's avocado louder than them.
This method also works well with violence. Get this method down, and you're running the shuk. Deals are endless. You might get locked up. Either way, you're getting an excellent deal on dinner.

You Name the Price Method
Show up at the store and tell them how much it costs. This technique is a lot of fun, as you the customer decide the price. And you the customer are always correct, if you're loud enough.
If you decide on the price, what can they say? Nothing. Exactly. Disregard any markings. You want to pick out a new shirt with the Beitar Jerusalem’s logo on it, you don’t like the price, tell him ’20 shekels.’ Better yet, you don't like the logo, bring the price down to 12nis. You feel there should be a sale? 50% off on the 12 shekels, you're only paying 6. It is up to you. Place down the money, and do a fast walk away.

The Stand and Eat Method
If you don't ask and take it. It's free. As long as you don't ask for a bag and eat it there, all produce is on the house.
Note: You cannot use this method with the Walk Away. Once you’re moving, you have to pay.

I hope this gives you the courage to get a decent deal on avocado.

My family is in America. I miss them. Oh. How I love thee, and thine money you send to pay for my livingith in thy Holy Land.
Israel is the family of my nation. The care and love of my national family is apparent. That familial care of a nation has shown this past year. The way we care and watch out for each other. It is unparalleled. Hence, I odeth thee with what I have merited to witness of thine glory.

The family of Israel cares. The care has not shown more than in this past year, where the whole country came together to complain about the price of flights.
Oh. How I love thee and thy financial understanding of supply and demand.

The care extends. Israelis are the first to help in crisis. The care for all life, willing to travel to first aid the citizens of the world. If things are bad, Israelis will be there. This is why they get blamed. They're always at the catastrophe.
Oh. How I love thee and how thy goesth to far off lands to stop flooding and saveth the lives of anti-Semites. Thy goesth to help, doing Mitzvahs, knowing thy willst be blamed for the deluge. How Jews start floods is another one of Gd's great miracles.

The people of Israel don’t say 'excuse me.' They care too much. There is too much love. Pushing and bumping is our Middle Eastern way getting close to one another. It's our national way of hugging.
Packed at the Kotel, we push. We even hold each other up by knocking into one another. It is how we celebrate what is known as Chagim. The holidays, where we come together as one by bumping a Jew you never met. In essence, a hug.
Oh. How I love thee and thine bumping into myselfith. Others considereth thee rude when they are hit, in their lacketh of knowledge of thine culture. A culture of warmth.

Israeli society is replete with statements of advice. When there is a bad day, somebody will say, 'Some days are honey, some are onions.' The way food is used to help one understand life is unparalleled.
Oh. How I love thee and thine knowledge of the spiritual application of vegetation.

My car wasn’t working, a guy passed me and said, 'Shower and drink coffee.' He didn’t fix my car, nor did he help me push it. Nonetheless, afterwards, I felt clean and more awake, allowing me to be more aware of how bad my engine problem was.
Oh. How I love thee and thine understanding of what it takes to driveth a car, awake and clean. Oh. How I remembereth that car I left in the street. The Ford Escort that was towed and never salvaged. As I abandoned thee and went to shower and drink coffee.

Why the beeping? Because Israelis care. I was stopped at a traffic light. They wanted to make sure I did not fall asleep.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ensuring of my preparedness for a green light.

Israel is one big family. Nowhere else in the world do strangers feel comfortable enough to criticize me to my face. Most citizens of other countries hesitate to tell me how ugly my sweater is. 
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to tell me I am not good. You maketh me feel like I am at home. Without family, no one elseth will telleth me of how not successful I am.

Israel is family. Israel is a home for all Jews. We even accept immigrants from America, who tell us how we should live our lives in Israel; more like Americans. Any other country would kick Americans out for being annoying. But we are family.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine family of Israel. Oh. How I relish the shared love of food, going to the grocery store, sitting in the produce section and eating with my brethren. We may have gotteneth kickedeth out, but we have sharedeth in thine national family experience of not paying for groceries.

Author's Note: I feel that odes are more meaningful written in Biblical English. It is more prayerful.

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.

Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep.
When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment.
Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy.

Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well.
Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government.

The sports fans in the Holy Land  are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game.

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package.

Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah.
I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road.
Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life.

The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins.
Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos.

People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness.
Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth.

You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays.
Oh. How I love thee.

And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking.
Oh. To thee.

Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people. 
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. 
Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. 

It is the Israeli Defense Forces
You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt.
I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.'

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years
I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours.
 
I Studied Social Work
My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem.
 
Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service
I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts.
I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk
The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs.
I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad
Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts
I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts.

I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors
That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself.
 
Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me
I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift.

I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea
Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. 
During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on.
Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target.
I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal.

Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally.
​Till then, Israel is a safer place.

People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you.
Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me.
 
I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty
I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back.
Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway.
 
I am Out of Shape
After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz.
If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. 

I Would Look Like a Reservist
I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more.
When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People
I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.
Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old
I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.
I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat.

Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments
I am old. All I do is express my political opinions.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint
Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine.
 
I am American
You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.
 
I Don’t Smoke
The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running.
Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. 
Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures.

Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the pain and Yachdut of last month, as David finds a way to make solidarity of the children of Israel with the soldiers something not positive, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for reminding us how much people hate us.

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.

Sound Angry
They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry.  The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy.
Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word.
Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety.

Ehhhh
Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation.
To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes.

Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows
I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. 
It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk.

Welcome People with a Command
When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it.
The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups.  Very scary.
Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer.

Hello is a Competition
Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost.
Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!'

Command Your Kindness
This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming.
You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, ​'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. 
Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more.

Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English
Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.'

Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There
This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. 
​Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.'
LincoLon. That was the presidentie.

Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong
Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong.
Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them.
You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong.

​Don't Sound American
Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. 
If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off.

We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly.

Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong.

Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration? 
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. 

Salt Water
You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there.
If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land.

Go to the Park
The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house.

Play Football on a Basketball Court
Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal.
Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics.
 
Skip Work
No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord.

Wave Israeli Flags
Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political.
If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there.
If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety.

Sit in Traffic
You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour.
Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper.
 
Israeli Dancing
The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community.
Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence.

For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home
I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak.
If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent.

Shpritz People With Stuff
Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. 
Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well.
The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids.
 
Say Hallel
If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this.

Vote
Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it.
Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much.

Eat Falafel
Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day.
Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel.

If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for decorum in the Holy Land.

It's the new year and international travel is painful again. Quarantining can be very scary, if you have to do it alone. It's a nightmare, and I purposefully entered that nightmare when I flew back to Israel, knowing I would be put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks.
The quarantine is back, and I bring you my story. It is here to inspire you, and to let you know that you can visit Israel and make it through the quarantine, as long as you're fine with your vacation being spent in the hotel. Now, the quarantine is for seven days, and my story may mean very little to you. Even so, I shall take you into my little journey of how I made it through quarantine in Israel, with my fellow returnees to Zion.
 
I Was Scared
I was in solitary confinement in a five-star hotel with a bath.
 
A Corona Hotel
They call the hotel “Corona.” The hotel itself  had the virus. I didn’t know if I could touch the closet. Do the walls have the virus? Do I catch it from my bed? I decided it was safest to live out of my suitcase and sleep in my clothes.
 
Food Rations Don’t Make Jews Happy
I thought I was going to get the Israeli hotel breakfast buffet. I asked them. Then they dropped a bag outside my door. This was worse than being locked up in solitary. At least in solitary they slip the food through a window; you get a bit of service.
They should’ve never called that room service. Three square meals is not... Other people deciding what I should be eating hurts the hotel experience. I don’t want people deciding which cheese I should be eating. I need choices, and they didn't provide that at the corona buffet.
Yes. I complained to management. The same food every day isn’t the five star hotel experience I was expecting. Not having eight cheeses to choose from, and cereal dispensers, is not something I would have chosen. It was hard. I liked cottage cheese two days ago.
 
No Washing Machines
They turned me into a manual laborer. I was a slave to my dirty clothes, and I was not a good one. Maybe I don’t know how to twist enough. I smelled like Badin detergent suds for a week.
How Do You hand wash? I’ve seen washboards in bands. Other than using it to strum a spoon, I don’t know what that is supposed to be used for.

Why is the Army Here
Soldiers were working the concierge booth. I have to say, they know very little about what there is to do in Jerusalem, when you're quarantined. Their lack of knowledge regarding Jerusalem nightlife was bothersome. They should at least been able to tell me the coordinates.
It was scary coming out of my room and seeing the gun. I ran right back in, and that's where I spent the first three days.
 
A Shabbat Retreat Where You See People Less
On Shabbat, it’s a religious duty to quarantine together.
 
Lighting Candles is a Social Experience
As lighting Shabbat candles always do, they brought light to my darkness and people into my quarantine.
We lit candles at a big table in the lobby, as opposed to our rooms. The organizers of the quarantine experience felt that a fire is more dangerous than seeing somebody who you sat next to on the flight. I went to light Shabbat candles, and that was my first interaction with people that weren’t behind plexiglass, or with a gun. I was relieved to hear that they also don’t like cottage cheese anymore. I realized I’m not in this quarantine alone, and there are other people that have no idea how to ring out a shirt.
 
The Minyin
As I was lighting the candles, I heard about the Minyin, a community praying together in isolation. They said, 'You must stay out of your room to join us.' I said, 'Yes. If me leaving my room is a requirement, I will be there... I will be early.' I had never felt so thankful for ten men in my life. I let them know that I’m happy to join, as long as I didn’t have to hand wash their clothes.
The Chazan did not have a good voice. However, he had to wear a mask, and that helped.
 
Oneg – Delighting in Shabbat
One deed leads to another and we must share all of Shabbat in quarantine. You’re supposed to delight in Shabbat, and you do that with food. One quarantining congregant brought cake, cashews, peanuts, Coke, herring. One guy really enjoyed it. The first guy who took the cashews loved the experience. After he touched them, the cashews were his. He delighted more than the rest of us. As we learned, big bowls of food are not optimal for pandemics. 
When it came to the pound cake, I went in after the first guy. I wasn’t that scared. I had eaten too much cottage cheese to be scared. If I hadn’t caught corona by now, from the corona hotel bedding, I wasn’t going to catch it from a decent pound cake and a cold cup of Coke. In life, you have to be brave and take chances. And when it comes to a wet dense pound cake, those are the times.
How I ate with my mask on is a miracle one can only speak of.
 
Ingathering of the Exiles is Motivating
After Shabbat we had a big circle where everybody shared their story.
Stories of journeys from around the world were vast. One from Cape Town, one from Buenos Aires, one was from New York, one from Thailand, one from France. Each of us had our own journey back to Israel. Each expedition was more intriguing than the next. Some sat first class. Some sat economy. One even had somebody sitting next to them. A true journeyman. The most interesting story was given by the voyager from France who did not even get a kosher meal on her flight.
 
Chilonim Became Religious
Everybody became religious. Once the Chilonim, secular Jews, realized they can leave their rooms, they joined the Minyin. They were early. They were devout. They sat there praying, focused on the words of praise. In the end, the secular Israelis felt so comfortable that they also had no problem talking during the services.
This was the first time in my life that I saw so many people return in penitence. Chabad has been trying for years to put Tefillin on people. One week of quarantine is the best outreach I have ever seen. 
Religious relationships even developed around the hotel, where new Chiloni couples dated without touching, sitting six feet apart.
 
Stuff I am Left With
In quarantine, you learn something about yourself.
 
I learned that I am fine smelling like bath gel if that’s all I have to wash my clothes with. I don’t like cottage cheese anymore, but that may change in a day or two after I get out. I learned how to make going to the reception to pick up milk take twenty minutes, and how to keep a friend on the phone for forty-five minutes when they have to run. I learned that afternoon naps can last five hours, and touching cashews first during a pandemic is much smarter than touching peanuts. Cashews are more expensive; you want them for yourself. I learned that when it comes to leaving my room, I am extremely devout. I even show up two hours early to services. I learned that solitary confinement can be depressing without a Minyin.
 
Minyin saved me. Shabbat Saved me. Lighting candles saved me. The comradery that quarantining together as a religious nation allows for, saved the secular Israelis. 
Only in Israel do people share their quarantine with other people. Everything beautiful about living in Israel is seen in the quarantine hotel, how we isolate as a community next to one another. A nation reuniting in the hardest of times, distancing together in solitude with all of the people, praying right next to Jews from all over the world. When you’re together there is nothing to fear, other than the coronavirus.
Being quarantined in Israel was the greatest experience of my life. Book your ticket. Skip the Kotel and go to the Corona Hotel.

People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' 

You Have To Deserve It
What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him.
They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel.
You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you.

When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It
The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy.
When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good.

There Are Repercussions
You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas.

Israelis Take Words Seriously
This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them.

Time Is Important
I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you.
I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important.
​Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach.

They Did the Army
Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up.
Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door.

A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You'
That's a mistake. They weren't educated right.
Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation.
An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family.
To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.'

It's Hot
Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. 
Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. 
I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.'
My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? 

Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand.
Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach.

Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' 
Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel.
I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody.

Amereekayis orderring falafel is funny. I tell story.
​
Ameicano want line
He ask, 'Why you no wait line?' So cute. Amereekaiy comee and make line. I say, 'You see falafel, you go to where is.' He look for line. The line is at the ball. I get before heem.
I call Israeli friendees of me. Ehhh they come too. Whole neighborhood come and he steeel wait on line. I finish, he steeel line wait. 

How Much
Amereekaiy come and ask how much. 'How much?' Is thees steakeetyada. It no steak. It falafel. 500 shekel. What he sink?
Like he ehhhh get reeped off wis all. It's falafel. You pay extra five shekel. You sound funny. You speak wis that Americano accentee.
Dis no good. 
Come to falafel stand, like ehhhhh, 'what you have heere?' He sell falafel. It falafel stand. Like, they want salat. You want salat, I give you. I charge more. 

Dis vhy they ehhhh get reeped off. They ask like idiote. I no ask, I take.
He say 'why dis.' I say 'yes dis.' We both say 'I do you do.' So we do. Very funny.

Want deal? Falafel deal? What Amereekaiy sink? You get deal on all? Everyting ehhhh sale. He sink dis eees ehhh Marshall's. He look for clearance rack. No clearance rack at Amos Falafel. 'Falafel balls from last season. Three month old falafel, we give deal.'
Always want deal. American sink two for price of one. They give two balls for one.
He charge five more shekel. Price on wall. Amereekaiy no see it. 

He sink, zis Amereekaiy, zis falafel shuk. What he bargain? Like ehhh 'Two falafel for 20.' Zer sign here. And he walk away wis no drink. It say ploose drinkeee. He no read math? 

No Spicey
Two hours zey wait on line. He get to order. Wait. Somebody cut heem in middle of heees question about deal.
He finally order. He say, 'No Chareef.' No spicey? What you eat zen? Ehhh. Dis no gefilte feesh. 
So ehhh zey wait two hour for no spicey hot gefilte feesh balls. 

Deeees so funny. I stay. I eat two falafels. Laugh. And he pay.

I tell you of knew Olim next time. Why they move America?

***From Kibbitzer Staff: Sorry about the grammar. We tried. Spellcheck didn’t work.