Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

On Yom Kippur they read the English part of the service. They called up Sharon and she read it as a reading. That is all the she understands. They started with this new English reading. It has picked up, as people find the service more meaningful as a reading.
I'm amazed how she sits in shul with no idea how to read Hebrew. She just sits and spaces out. Sits there for three hours every week, spacing out. Finally, we start the reading in English and she understands it. She was glowing. It's the new tradition in the shul. They even had a reading about the Lulav. Something about the 'spine of our people, the pole of our lives.' It did sound more meaningful as a reading. People were hugging their four species of Sukkot.
 
With the readings, now the shul is becoming very touchy-feely. There was dancing in shul at the Friday night service. It wasn’t even Simchat Torah.
 
The rabbi gave a speech on Simchat Torah. That was not appreciated. Even so, the rabbi said it was necessary for the meaning of the day. It went along with the touchy-feely theme.
 
The big herring fiasco of last week is still not resolved. Mr. Himelman brought herring to Kiddish. He didn’t sponsor the Kiddish. However, he brought herring and wanted it to go out there. Nobody knew there was herring. He took it and poured it into a bowl and got it on Sadie. Nobody is happy with this herring right now, but they are all eating it. I believe the real anger started when Mr. Himelman was screaming, 'I bought the herring. It is hear now. Where are the crackers?!' He didn't buy crackers, by the way. Thank Gd the shul had extra crackers.
 
The kids got lost at Sukkah Hopping.
The Teens are back from the summer and everybody is scared. All teens scare the older people in the congregation. ‘The hoodlums are here.’ That’s what Bernie said when he saw his granddaughter and her friends. Some of the old people almost had a heart attack. Teens are scary.
People were worried that other teens attacked the teens on the Sukkah hop. At the last board meeting it was proposed to send teens away to summer camp all year until they are in their early 20s and don't scare society anymore. Frank suggested that at least Michael not show up with his scary long hair.
 
A lot of new people coming to the shul. The security guard chased away a good Jewish boy with tattoos and piercings. Now, the kid who got chased away is saying the shul is anti-Semitic and racist.
 
The rabbi thing has been getting to the rabbi. He now believes he has a calling. Now that he really cares, the community is thinking about getting rid of him. He’s been giving sermons everywhere. I heard that there was an extended line at the scan yourself checkout at Kroger’s. He gave a sermon about how life is like waiting for death. People have stopped Krogering.
The rabbi says it was for meaning. I think he gave his sermon because everything he says now is in sermon form. He has to stop changing the world, before another herring fiasco takes place.
 
They were throwing candy on the floor for Simchat Torah. It wasn’t even a Simcha and kids pants are gone. Ami filled up a garbage bag with candy. Wouldn't share it.
 
There was too much drinking on Simchat Torah. Ben, has been drinking a lot at shul, and denying it. That is when you know they are drunk. We just wanted the truth, as we noticed the bottles missing from the Kiddish room. He's denying it, saying he can drink a lot more, his hair is messed up, shirt is unbuttoned, got the tie off to the side, eyes glazed. 
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Happy Simchat Torah My congregants.

Don’t want to hear it???
Dancing to Kabbalat Shabbat? It’s too much. We’re not doing Kiruv... We're not bringing people closer to Torah here. The meaningful stuff must stop...
You dance on Simchat Torah. That's a designated time for dancing... I want to get home for Friday night dinner, Bernie... The dancing adds an extra fifteen minutes, with the Nay Nay Nays...
 
And we come to an end. What a Bracha… Moshe blesses… It wasn’t a ‘have a year of blessing.’ He puts thought into his blessings, Bernie. It’s not just ‘Shabbat Shalom uMvorach’… Dan was leaping from Bashan… That’s how you bless. You tell the truth. They messed up… Blessing for this congregation is ‘You should not be as annoying as the back left section.' That is my blessing to you, as we finish the Torah on this Simchat Torah. Don't be annoying like... And they're not even here. Are they drinking again?..
 
The great line is right here. (Devarim 33:4) ‘The Torah Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the congregation of Yakov’… I wouldn't call this a congregation... The back left section is out drinking all the time. They think Simchat Torah is a Kiddish club... Yakov. That’s Israel… No. We don’t call it Yakov, because nobody would fly to Yakov. It sounds like a messed up country. Not one Birthright trip would’ve went there… Schottenstein would not fund visiting Yakov for the first time… You don’t say it every morning, because you don't understand the heritage of the Torah. That is why we have to stop dancing on Friday night and start dancing tonight... It's Simchat Torah...
 
That’s the foundation of our connection with H’ at Sinai. It’s the Torah from Moshe... It's not cooking kids.
R’ Mordechai Gifter, as brought in Artscroll explains that an inheritance is belongs to people to use ‘as they please’... I know they passed away. You could've paid their dues... Your grandmother never paid dues. You could've paid them and held off on the vacation... Vacationing is not an inheritance... R' Gifter continues to say that a heritage is ‘the property of generations before and after; it is incumbent upon the heirs to preserve it intact’... That's why we are not selling the shul...
This shul is apparently an inheritance. I see how the back hallway is not preserved. The awning is disheveled... You use the money for stuff like a community quilt and that is what happens. The Torah is a heritage... Yes. You take it on vacation...
The shul has to be kept intact... It's not your inheritance. If it was, it would have the Milky Way in the ceiling... The shul will not be a planetarium... Herring is our heritage. Mr. Himelman was correct. You eat herring with crackers... 

(Devarim 33:5) H’ became King when we ‘the tribes of Israel were in unity.' What unifies us is dancing not on Friday night... We can’t chase away other Jews with messed up quilt wall hangings. It's about bringing people together. It's about hopping to Sukkahs together... We must preserve Gd's kingship. The Sukkah walk was great. Older people can't hop. That was the best program we ever had. It unified everybody, as we lost some of the teens... Teens were hopping and the people we want in the congregation were walking. That was unity... That made us a congregation. When we lost the teens...
You can't have unity when the Challah s placed all the way on the other side of the Sukkah... You wash inside and then can't talk to all the people you're passing on the way to the Challah... Nobody thinks it's the Challah. Fran knows you don't want to talk to her...
Unity is when single people meet. Simchat Torah is the perfect time... It's social, Bernie... We're not mixed dancing this year... The security guard did not help with unity... I don't think we will see Gd's Kingship in this congregation if Jews are not allowed in...
 
My bracha to the children is more candy.
More alcohol is not a blessing… Kingship doesn’t last around you holding a Torah all tipsy… Nobody wants to unify with you, Mark. Not when you're leaning on them, tell them how much you love them... You drank too much Mark...
The one handed Torah grab switch to the left was an impressive move… Your hagba was also impressive under the influence. But we are looking to preserve the Torah. Not to puke on it… It is our heritage, along with Airhead taffys... No. You can't do with it what you want... It's not going to Kiddish.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The rabbi gave his whole speech as a reading. It was more sentimental and solemn than usual. He read it from a paper and had excellent cadence. People said it was meaningful. 

It is clear that the kids had no idea it was Simchat Torah. They knew that there was candy. The taffy was gone. The little pellet gushers were gone. They didn’t hear the Torah. They were out during the reading of vZot HaBracha, eating the candy.
 
The security guard chased away the Jews. The security guard is not Jewish. I don't think anybody knows that.
A meeting was held to not have scary people staring down Jews when they enter shul. Because of this security guard, Jews are being blamed for being anti-Semitic. I believe the new security guard is an anti-Semite. He placed himself in the perfect position to be an anti-Semite. Jews are always going to shul. He can hate more people in a day.
Somebody had to explain to the guard on the next shift that many Jews have piercings too. The security guards now know that Jews can have tattoos, and Jews are sinners. That security guard should’ve realized that Jews are sinners the first Shabbat, when Sadie asked him to park her car.
 
Everybody left shul on Simchat Torah wanting to dance. I think they were too tired from Friday night dancing. And then, once they dealt with Mark and his drinking, and not finding herring crackers, people were not up for dancing in shul. COVID might have had something to do with it as well.
The herring was used for Simchat Torah, and the cousins that came to visit and dance for Simchat Torah are allergic to fish. I think that the whole fish thing on Simchat Torah had everybody down.
 
That was the first speech that has ever been given on Simchat Torah. Rabbi Mendelchem said, ‘It’s a Parsha. Should we forget it?’ That was his statement. The question mark denotes a statement.
He also said it with a high pitch. It was a very strong statement. And we lost members.
 
The rabbi’s plea for a Birthright trip did not happen. To this day, people are still amazed that Yakov and Yisrael are the same thing. The rabbi has had to give eighteen classes on how Yakov and Yisrael are the same person and the same nation. He also had to give Torah dancing classes, as the Jewish grapevine does not work with the two-handed Torah hold. People also didn't touch Torahs correctly on Simchat Torah morning, when they were doing the Walk in Torah Raise Bang. Herring eating was another course the rabbi had to give. Nobody in the shul can balance their herring correctly.
 
We may not have a Kiddish luncheon next Simchat Torah. Too much food was left on the floor. Mark spilled everything, as he fought his hangover with more alcohol. The kids left all their candy wrappers like a trail to Ami's bag of unshared candy. How they all got to Ami's bag that he wasn't sharing was amazing. I think Ami just left it there, like he did the lollipops he was licking and leaving all over the carpet. The rabbi stepped in cake. Spent the next two days showing everybody the bottom of his shoes with mousse on it.
 
Kiddish Club is still going out. That happened on Shabbat Chol Hamoed. The rabbi made an executive decision to stop services when they are out. They’re now taking a break when Kiddish Club goes out. Minyin stops when they go. The non-alcoholics play foosball. The rabbi also brought in an air hockey table.
This new plan got many people off alcohol. Especially the teenagers who used to join the Kiddish Club. I think they’re just drinking faster and then coming to play foosball.
Simchat Torah had some drunk kids running around. That was disturbing. The parents said, they want their child to enjoy the holiday or forget it.
 
Nobody met on Simchat Torah. It turns out that due to the rabbi’s sermons everywhere people couldn’t meet. He came into the hallway, where a shidduch was happening, and started talking about holy matrimony. I think he believes he’s a Jewish priest.
Everybody is becoming more religious now. The young couple who’s about to get married, isn’t touching anymore. She told him that she loves him and wants to be Shomer Negiah (not touching). Because it’s a meaningful relationship, she wants to be Shomer Negiah just with him. She has dated every other guy in the community. Only with him does she want to be Shomer Negiah. Ben is now looking at every guy in the community with contempt. It all happened because the rabbi gave a speech about saving the physical part of the relationship for marriage. He’s worried that if she still loves him when they get married that she will never touch him. He's given up. He started eating herring.
I think that whole sermon by the rabbi and the Shomer Negiah results is what got Ben drinking in the first place.
 
Kiddish setup is off. Got to put the challah near the door. I am surprised the people still don't get that. I am happy the rabbi dealt with that in one of his sermons. They placed the Challah on the other end of the Sukkah. So now, you have to walk past everybody, after cleaning your hands, dissing each person, not talking to them. That's why there is no unity.
I was gone for the first days of Sukkot and all goes haywire. One week and Kiddish setup is messed up already. I got involved in helping at Kiddish, because I couldn’t stand listening to the kids’ Anim Zmirot. Teach them the stuff beforehand. I feel like every Shabbat, we have to watch a Bar Mitzvah lesson. Then the toddlers opening the ark is another nightmare. These kids need to get down the strings. It's like watching the non-religious people on Yom Kippur in shul.

Herring is still the issue in the shul. As Mr. Himelman said, 'I didn't tell anybody I brought it, and I didn't sponsor Kiddish. But they should've smelled it.'
The shul now has cases of backup Tam Tams, just in case herring is on premises. 

We were not working, because of the holidays. We don't work on the holidays. It's our custom. We will not be funny for you during Sukkot at any point in time, as it is the holiday season and that is forbidden.
Somehow, not working on holidays gets everybody mad at you, even in our all Jewish office.
All staff at the Kibbitzer is angry at the other staff members right now. They're saying the other staff members are lazy, and that's why they're not working on the holidays that they are all keeping. Taking off for the holidays as a whole staff has caused a lot of anti-Semitism amongst the Jews. To minimize co-hatred of Jews in our office, all Kibbitzer staff has agreed to work Sundays. 

One staff member said we should write in the Sukkah. She was called a heretic, and the Jews hated her even more.
Due to nobody getting along, everybody is thinking of starting breakaway magazines, so that they can say that the other magazines are the ones they don't write for.

It was noted to us by our staff that we shouldn’t be writing this piece, as it is a holiday.

The Kiddish Club has leaving shul down to an art. They fly out of there right after Torah reading. I have noticed that they move much faster when they're getting out of services. When they're coming to shul, they move much slower. 
The problem is that fifteen guys are running out every time. We were left with nobody in shul last Shabbat. Just the Haftorah reader who got called up for Maftir. 
Nobody in shul- they have to make an announcement ‘before you go to Kiddish club, please make sure there’s a minyin.’ I am beginning to think the rabbi loves the Kiddish club. He always wanted to get rid of most of the members. Even so, he has to pretend like he doesn't want it to happen.
 
The rabbi decided that the shul needed to be cooler. So he started calling everybody by their last names.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
Sabbat Shalom vChag Sameach
 
Did you build your Sukkah yet?... Because you don't listen. I told you to build it right after Yom Kippur... Can’t trust you… Because you don't listen. Can’t depend on you guys for anything…

We’re going to start giving Maftir to the Kiddish Club people… This way you have to be inside for the Haftorah reading… You didn’t even check. Fifteen people left and we had no Minyin for Rosh Hashana Musaf… I understand social distancing. But, you were sitting together outside… You drank together. So, if it’s not in shul, you don’t need to distance…It’s about depending on people…
 
Want to thank Fitzy for helping with High Holiday seating. You're dependable Fitzy… Also want to thank Broyman, Finkelstein and Goldfarb… Our shul needs to be cooler… It’s cooler to use last names…
 
I regret to say, I don’t understand a word that is said in this week's Parsha... There is something about heavens listening and the earth hearing. I am not going to lie. This is too much for your rabbi. You hired me because of my charisma. I did give some good sermons for the High Holidays over the years. You must admit your rabbi did good… I went out to drink with the Kiddish club a couple times. Kiruv...
I understood the Rashi, which teaches that Moshe called upon the earth and heavens as witnesses. That was in Hebrew… This other stuff about ‘chirvivim,’ I have no clue… ‘As witnesses,’ because they will always be there, Fitzy. Unlike the witness in the trial last week of our good friend, Maydit the gambler guy who doesn’t pay dues, who backed out of the case for some reasons of death threats to his family… The heavens and earth which will reward and punish us… No. The earth and heaven did not threaten anybody… They’re not part of the mob... It[s not an ancient Moshe Mob. Capone wasn’t summoning them for a hit…
Just do good stuff. That is the lesson… They’re better witnesses…
 
I didn't learn this kind of Hebrew in Hebrew school. I don't even know if this is Hebrew.
I learned words like אתה, הם, תשמע. Not יערף כתמר לקחי. I don't know what that is. If it is Hebrew, then it is a different dialect…
Yes. People were smart back then. They understood stuff about dew and how it affects us on a daily basis. I would translate it if I could, but I don’t understand it. I have no clue what’s going on… I am going to study this language so I can explain this to you next year. I thought 'vav HaHeepuch'- the 'vav' that changes the past to present was complicated enough…
I can't even understand the translations. 'Firmament'??? That's harder to understand than the Hebrew...
 
All I know is that I can depend on the heavens and the earth. We need witnesses for what I am dealing with… They're dependable... At least the heavens and the earth didn't mess up the Simcha last week... The tablecloths looked just as bad as the Aron's curtain. Did Sadie and Fran sew them together too?
Yom Kippur was messed up… You can’t even open the ark right… This Yom Kippur can’t happen again… The heavens were in shock… We need ark lessons. Everyone of you spaces out… That’s why none of you would make good witnesses. Moshe couldn’t have trusted you… You miss it… No. You missed it. We had to call your name. We screamed out ‘Finkelstein’... Five times, 'FInkelstein. It's time for you. To open the ark'... They pointed. They headnoded you to the ark... You finally came up. You see. you forgot you went up… Then, you open it the wrong way. Thank Gd there was no dew… 15 minutes later, they can’t remember they were supposed to go up where it says ‘open ark.’ They told you ‘Aleynu’… We need ark opening rehearsals…
 
There were a lot of poetic liberties taken in this week's Torah portion. But Moshe can do that… That is the lesson… Because you take liberties. You make dumb decisions and assume the earth isn’t listening. That’s why the shul’s front yard has patches in it. It’s mad. You even make the earth angry, Schwartzie…
 
That is why we need to study. Breishit is coming up next week. Another year if Torah. Are you going to try to understand it this year? Are you Hebrew school teachers going to educate the next generation and stop teaching the cheezy song 'HaKova Sheli Shalosh Pinot Shalosh Pinot Hammmmmm Sheli’? There is nothing like that in the Torah and 'mmmmm' is not a Hebrew word... There are better Purim songs... I cannot promise that I will understand HaAzinu by next year...
May we be rewarded this year by the heavens and earth with decent teachers, so our next generation isn't a bunch of fools...
 
Let’s see what the Artscroll says.
The earth hears… It hears you talking when you come back from the Kiddish club… the whole shul does hear you… You're loud. That's one of the reasons... (Devarim 32:1) ‘Give ear heavens and I will speak, and the earth will hear the words of my mouth.’  Because you deny everything I say… Rashi says that they will outlive Moshe and therefore, they are witnesses. Moshe says, ‘I am only man. Tomorrow I will die… heaven and earth are witnesses that last forever…’ We all remember how badly Yankel messed up at his Bar Mitzvah. The heaven and earth will remember that forever. 'Yankel didn't prepare. He was not dependable.'
You’re messing up… Worst Bar Mitzvah gifts... No. He didn't deserve them. You messed up the word 'VaYomer' Yankel...
I am going to call on the heavens to be a bit of witness that our congregation is messing up and that we don’t deserve dew… We're not even in Israel. Don't worry about the dew.
 
Finkelstein. You were yawning during the Ashamnus… You expect H’ to forgive that… It’s better than Godlfarb… Your whole section was loving it… I have never seen people singing so happily about their sinning… The earth heard that. Getting all involved in the Ashamnu tune ‘Ay Ay… I sinned… I partied… I had a great time…’
No. Mr. Cotter was not loving it… He doesn’t sin… Neither does Fran… They missed out on all the fun…
I look at the congregation and I see a bunch of sinners. I feel like I am praying for you... We say 'we sinned' and not 'I sinned,' because you people mess up so much... You need my prayers.

Of course no money came into Israel Bonds... The Appeal cards weren’t handed out. You messed them up… what good is my appeal when there are no cards… Need the card flipping… If they can't flip the tab, they're not giving to the shul...
The earth is hearing, but you are not hearing it... You spit on it... I tried raising money for the environment, but no cards with flippy tabs were given to anybody... That's why nobody gave...
 
And we want to welcome Maurice, our new congregant… Listen. Just moved to Topeka at 85 years of age to start his life… 

When we call to H’ give Him greatness. Do you not realize what H' does for us... No. You messed up the ark opening. Don't blame Gd for not being dependable. You thank Gd...
(Devarim 32:6) ‘A vile and not wise generation. Is He not your Father? Your Maker? He made you and formed you.’  You messed up. 

Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
The fact that the rabbi could give a sermon without having any idea what the Torah is saying is was makes our rabbi unique. That’s why we love him.
The rabbi started going to advanced Hebrew classes, till he realized the teacher couldn't translate HaAzinu. 
 
Due to the board's decision and the rabbi's idea of giving them Maftir, Kiddish Club had to stay in for the Haftorah. They got mad at each other when the others left. They started drinking in shul.
The Haftorah is like a test for these guys. They stumble over the words. One of them becomes very animated on the last blessings. I believe he thinks we forget how badly he read the Navi part of the Haftorah. He goes out like a champ.

No more Book of Our Heritage in English. The rabbi is making all the Bar Mitzvah kids read it in Hebrew. He insists that they don't read enough Hebrew and mess up the layning too much.
 
Ark opening lessons went well. In the end, Finkelstein was teaching people how to pull the string. When Finkelstein is awake, he is the best ark opener we have (other than the kids that go up for Anim Zemirot). He kept on saying, ‘pull the back one… that’s not the right page. You’ve got to lick your fingers to turn the page, or you’re going to miss it… No. The back one.’
 
Now that the rabbi is calling everybody by last names, it feels like camp. The problem is that all the Finkelstein kids think the rabbi is talking to them too. Later that week, the decision was made to only call single people by their last names.

Maurice joining the shul at 85 was amazing. He paid his dues. Very old hat. The first meeting the rabbi had with Maurice, he told him 'Israel would’ve been a better idea.'
 
It turned out that Maydit was involved in gambling. He had to steal to support his gambling.

After much argument, it was decided that investing is not Tzedakah. So, it was decided that Israel Bonds is not charity. Depending on the year of investment, many congregants now believe the return is less than the charity they get for not working in the USA.
There are flippy tab cards now at all seats, at all times. Many people have developed Tzedakah tics, as they are scared of the constant thought of giving charity. They see the flippy tabss and they start twitching. 

As Jews, we dance in a circle. That is our style. Now, with the holiday of Torah Happiness, we dance with a Torah in a circle. The Torah adding a whole new dimension to the circle. Over the years many styles of the Torah hold and Torah grab in circle form have developed.
As a student of different styles of Torah clutching in circle dance, I bring you some of the main Middle Circle Torah Lift Dances, including the Torah hug in a circle. I will not focus on outer-circle Torah dancing, as there is nothing more you can do in the outer-circle than blend in and get outshined by kids on your friends' shoulders.

Two Handed Torah Lift
A flashy move with the Torah. This is where you grab the bottom two handles of the Torah pole and lift the Torah, up and down. Similar to the ubiquitous supinated arm raise, this should always be done with two hands, as nobody wants to fast for 40 days.
The true goal of all Torah dancing is to not drop the Torah. If dropped, all have to fast for 40 days, or not eat during the day and gorge at night. This is why the most important people involved in the Torah dancing are the ones staring at the Torah lifters, praying in anxiety that they don't drop it.

The Torah Bang
Two people take their Torahs in the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air’ dance formation and then bring them towards the middle and have them touch. This can also be done with three or more people. If there are enough people, you can have a whole Torah mosh pit.
When Torah Banging, we do make it a point to not play heavy metal on Simchat Torah, as we do not want people falling or getting beaten up in the name of Simcha dancing. Nonetheless, there is a large community of Torah bangers out there.
I would personally suggest to be more gentle and to go for the Torah Touch dance. It does take more finesse, but it's not as violent. I have noticed that less injuries occur with the touch.

The One Hander
Similar to the ‘Two Handed Torah in Air,’ this is done with one hand. Taken out of the strong man competition, this feat of strength is usually done by circus performers and balancing acts that show up for Shacharit.

The Over the Shoulders Hold
You hold the Torah with one arm, placed over your shoulder, and then you place your other arm in the middle of the circle, with the other two to three people holding Torahs. It is kind of like the 'Hokie Pokie', but you leave your right arm in. You then go around in a circle, with your hands touching each other, because you are all playing for the same team. The team of Torah. This can also be done in the outside circle, by those who don't want to be noticed, but only if it is an ‘Arm on Shoulders’ circle.

The Supportive Torah Lift
You hold onto one of the Torah’s handles and then lift it while supporting the Torah scroll from the middle of the back. You are working as the lifter and the spotter in this dance. It's a double duty, but it has its rewards in the World to Come.

The Torah Hug
You go around in the circle and make sure the Torah doesn’t fall. You just walk around and hug it. It's the most intimate Torah dance, showing your love and affection for the Torah and Gd.
​
The Torah Train
This is for the trailblazer who ventures their dancing out of the circle. I don't suggest this, until you've mastered the inner circle Torah dances and have created a following. Otherwise, it looks more like a trolly.
You surprise the crowd with this by chu-chuing the circle into the train. As the Torah hugger, you are not riding caboose. You are close to Gd and therefore you lead the train. Generally, you want to lead with a two-handed Torah grab, as the over the shoulder Torah hold will end up wacking the guy behind you in the face with the Etz HaChaims (the Torah scroll wooden pole handles).
 
Kid on Shoulder
If you don't have a Torah, you can still be noticed. The child is treated like a Torah. Think of their legs as Poles of Life Handles. 
Sometimes you will use one hand. Sometimes, you have two hands on their legs. I’ve seen parents not use any hands. These people are joining the dancing from the circus. That’s an act. These are the same people lifting Torahs with one hand.
I've seen parents toss their kids in the air. Nobody is worried about the parents dropping the kids. As long as it's not a Torah, nobody cares. Nobody is fasting for a child. 

The Walk Around with Kid on Shoulders
This is where you walk. That’s the dance. The fact that your child is on your shoulders is enough fun for them. There is no need to do any fancy footwork. Showing you're a parent will have people impressed enough.
If you are not part of a traveling circus, keep your hands on your child. I would also suggest to use your hands when carrying the Torah. The balancing on the nose Torah act will have the whole shul passing out of anxiety attacks.

Next time, we will deal with the fifty-inch circumference Sefardic Torah Dances, all consist of the atlas stone hug and placement back on the table. Leaving the Torah on the table is the key to walking out of dancing with a healthy back.
No matter the Torah you are dancing with, I will also prescribe a training program so that you can walk out of Simchat Torah being the talk of the town next year, with your Torah lifting and banging abilities.

​The holiday of Sukkot is here and the Sukkah is our home for a good week. As such, we must decorate it.
I am here to help make the task of decorating a joyful process for you. I shall share with you the Sukkah decorations that I've seen in every community and some new ideas that will help you bring more festivity to your holiday.
Before anything, make sure you have a lot of fish wire. We are going to be hanging stuff. Fish wire is your decorating tool.
Here are the top artistic Sukkah decorations of our people:
 
Fly Tape
Every Sukkah I have seen has fly tape. This is placed there to attract bugs. Don’t worry. You don’t have to place flies on the tape for décor. The flies will come. Give it an evening.
 
Honey Bucket with Opening
As bees are not attracted to fly tape, many people hang this to draw more bees to the Sukkah.
Some are afraid that the bees will get to the honey on the Challah. Thus, they hang a huge jar of honey in the Sukkah.
The Sukkah is likened by many to Avraham's tent, and we invite the Ushpizin. It is a welcoming environment. The honey bucket ensures that the swarms that come to your home will feel welcome and have a place of their own.

Christmas Lights
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung.
Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. Then, the Hershey’s Kisses with the red and green silver foil is a Jewish product. I picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. My eighth Sukkot in Israel and I started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us. If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish to me.

Fruit
Almost as good as Christmas lights.
Known as the Holiday of Harvest, fruit and vegetables are very important to Sukkot. It is Jewish custom to not eat fruit if it’s not in pie form. Thus, we celebrate the harvest by hanging it.
Some people may eat canned fruit, but I have not seen that hung in a Sukkah yet. If you are going to hang canned fruit, be sure to keep it in the can; otherwise, it drips and then slips right off the fish wire.
 
Plastic Fruit
We are a traditional people and we look for objects to commemorate significant parts of our Jewish life, such as the bucket of fruit we cannot eat in my parent's dining room.
Many decorate the Sukkah with plastic fruit, which is reminiscent of regular fruit. Decorating with an fruit would not be commemorative. You decorate with a plastic apple to commemorate an apple. By not using the real thing it makes it more of a tradition, and more meaningful. In their query of why anybody would have plastic fruit, people may even ask, “What does the plastic fruit represent?” To which you can make it a meaningful interaction by telling them, “Fruit.”
 
Gourds
I have no idea when gourds became a decoration. They are the ugliest fruits. For some reason, fruit that looks like a giant tadpole mixed with a toad is the number one Sukkah ornament. Pumpkins would make sense, but Halloween claimed those. Hence, we stick to the weird shaped stuff.
 
Your Child’s Art from School That You Would Like to Throw Out
Have no room in the house for the hand-paint art project? I mean, the painting of your child’s hand. The work of art where your child put their hands in paint and then placed their hand on a piece of paper. Want to throw that out? Put it in the Sukkah. After Sukkot, you can say you lost it. If you're lucky, the rain will get to it.
 
Any Jewish Arts and Crafts Project
You have no idea what to use it for. That, my friends, is a Sukkah decoration.
The Chanukah candle holder slab of wood with nuts on it Chanukah. It was fun when you made it, but it doesn’t look like a Chanukiah and it doesn’t hold candles. Hang it from your Sukkah. The cloth that you knitted together to hold the Matzah on Passover. That was a cute idea, until the matzah caught onto the cloth and I ended up eating the felt. Again, a perfect decoration.
 
Paper Chain
The classic. The number two Sukkah decoration, right behind the creepy fruit of the Lagenaria and Cucurbita family with toad bumps on it.
The way to make the paper chain is to cut the paper in strips and then to put one circle in the other. That, my students, is Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to regular origami. However, we use staples. We are not fools. It is much easier with staples. I am surprised the people of the Far East haven’t figured that out yet.
Anything origami makes for a good decoration. Just remember to make your origami the Jewish way and use staples. It is more artistic this way, and it takes less studying.
 
Paper That Opens
Any paper that is flat and then becomes three-D when accordionized, that is a decoration. You might have to wait till after Easter to pick these up.
 
Tiki Torches
You’re outside, in the garden, make it a party. Lighting some tiki torches is the perfect way to burn down the other decorations. You can call it an accident when your child’s arts and crafts project is finally gone.

7 Species of Israel
This is not species of the animal kingdom. These are Israel’s seven species of vegetation, and a beautiful way to traditionally adorn your Sukkah. Do not decorate you Sukkah with living animals. The only animals you should be decorating your Sukkah with are dead flies and bees.
 
No matter what you chose to decorate your Sukkah with, first see what your children bring home from Jewish School. You might want to hang that in the Sukkah. You will probably not want it in the house. If you're lucky, they might bring home an artistic gourd with a hole in it and fish wire.

Dr. Maydit stole money from the local bank. He then broke into the art gallery. It was a local school exhibit, called ‘Stuff The Parents Would’ve Thrown Out.’ He also takes money from the poor and gives to the rich. He’s like a modern day Robin Hood. And he gives money to the shul.
 
The Old people are now coloring their hair some kind of orange red thing. Don’t know who’s convinced them that it looks good. I think the eyes go and they think ‘that looks like a redhead.’ They take the redhead part literally. They ignore the fact it’s orange.
Now the older congregants are licking their fingers. I can’t use a siddur to daven anymore. All the pages are stuck together.
 
The rabbi was really mad about the Rosh Hashana tunes. He literally took the Bima. He kicked the Chazin off and took over. Then he started singing the tunes he loves. He started with the Mordechai Ben David (MBD) stuff. People were in shock when he threw in a Carlebach.
The MBD songs are perfectly sad. That reflected everybody's mood when they realized how much they sinned. Especially the sinners who were trying to harmonize with the Chazin. Sinner enablers was a new concept spoken about in the rabbi's class on Teshuva, and they definitely have to repent for enabling the Chazin.
The rabbi was so happy the rest of the week, humming the tunes, even on Tzom Gedaliah. It was a fast day and he felt it. It was inspirational to see him. I have never seen somebody so content in being a sinner and singing about how bad they are. 
 
For the sake of community Shalom, there was a Simcha seating chart workshop. You’ve got to know who not to sit next to each other at Bar Mitzvahs. Many community fights were caused by poor seating arrangements. I still don't know how Frank ended up at the kids' table.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbat Shalom vChatima Tova
 
Oy Oy Oy Oy Bratzon… Sorry. Still thinking of the Rosh Hashana songs I sung… Love them… Once I kicked the Chazin off the Bima, it was great…
You’re a felon… You’re not opening the ark on Yom Kippur… you stole huge funds… It’s in the news… we’re taking the money. That’s fine… No Kibudim. No honors… You couldn’t even sponsor a Kiddish… It was 3 million. In the news. At least some whitefish salad.
You also stole his seat… You sat in the wrong seat for Rosh Hashana… That's stealing. Just one more thing to ask forgiveness for this High Holiday season... It's not the season of forgiveness. It's the season of asking for forgiveness... Yes. And giving money to shul. This is an appeal...
 
Chazin did the wrong tunes again… You’re probably going to get the 'Ki Anu Amecha' on Yom Kippur wrong… Need the beat down…

I can’t do this anymore.
 
Moshe tells the people he cannot lead anymore. Moshe is getting old… I’m forty-eight. It’s enough… (Devarim 31:2) 'I am 120...I cannot go out and come anymore.' He was too tired to work anymore. Because you Jewish people burn a man out…
I don't know if I can work with this congregation anymore, either. You always ask for help here, help there. Figure out the Halacha for yourself. For crying out loud. I am now also thinking about retiring, unless if I get a raise... Who told you to get red metallic hair dye??? Figure things out.
120 years old and you’re still asking him questions. ‘Can you put hot gravy on cold meat?’… Learn the laws of Shabbat. Open up a Sefer… That’s a book. Another question. You see.
 
None of you repent. The Chazin doesn’t repent. Dr. Maydit with his three million… You couldn’t even give candies to the kids. Be a candy man at least… And now the olde people are coloring their hair metallic orange. Red. I don't know… It’s not a color. Ronald McDonald is not Jewish…
 
Yom Kippur is coming up. How about asking your rabbi for forgiveness. For stealing his time. For parking in his spot… And you stole my parking spot…
 
Rashi says that Moshe said that Moshe says ‘Today I have filled my days and years. This day I was born. This day I will die…’ I got hired on Yom Kippur. I was in shul and you offered me a job. The rabbi was giving a sermon and Bernie walked over to me in the middle of it and asked if I wanted to work… He was mad that the rabbi was saying that it’s important to repent… It is important, Bernie… The day you hired me was like death...
Rashi continues to comment on the words, ‘H’ said to me “you won’t cross the Jordan.”’ He says it’s because H’ said so. It was then that his wisdom was lost… H' gives us our wisdom and power. Moshe knew that was it. He came full circle... H' did not tell you to not go to Israel. That's a lie. Sadie. You should be going to Israel... Moshe was not trying to get out of a shul trip to the Holy Land... He would've enjoyed the falafel...
What have you done because H’ told you?... That’s the problem… You do stuff in this shul because you said to do it. And that’s why the Siddurs are all misDedicated… You dedicated it in memory of their great-grandchild’s granddaughter… They’re not even around… Moshe is saying he can’t lead the people who are there, and Yehoshua is going to take over…Because H’ said. It's all from H.' Even the misDedicated Siddurs. But you don't see it... You don't see it, because it's misDedicated... Next time, dedicate the Siddur to H.' How about that...
Let’s play a game of H’ said… H’ said you are sinners.
 
Who is going to lead? H' will lead you. It says Joshua. But we know it's H'...
Have a little faith. Go fight the wars by yourselves… The inter-shul basketball league is going to start and H' is not on our side… We don't hear H' telling us to be (31:6) 'strong and courageous' because you're sinners... 
This is when Moshe steps down… He had to answer too many questions… Learn the Halachas already. If there would’ve been a Mishna Berura, Moshe might have continued a bit… He said he was old and tired, but he didn’t decay at all… He just got sick of having to answer questions... Yes. Sukkot is coming up. Build a Sukkah. You see. I have to answer these questions still. Can't look it up on the internet...
Song Break. Mey'eylitz Yoshe...
 
Speaking of grandparents. Metallic orange red hair??? I have no idea if it’s orange or red. That’s not a hair color… No. It doesn’t look good… It works on cars. We know… Ronald McDonald is not Jewish… His houses are beautiful… Because he donated money…
 
The point is that time is of the essence. There are wars to fight. You’re wasting your time with baseball cards… Teshuva. You only have 120 years…
 
Give the kids baseball cards… We need more kids to love shul… They hate it because they don’t get candy… They need candy. That’s why they come to shul… Cards? You won’t even give cards. You’re stealing them, but you won’t give the kids cards. And you expect me to lead this… Kids come to shul for convenience store items...
 
Sorry I was singing the tunes the whole day… The Rosh Hashana tunes are still in my mind. Love the MBD...
Yes. It’s Shabbat Shuva and that was a Drasha… Repent… Repent. I can’t lead these sinners anymore… You see. I have to tell you to repent. Just do it. Stop asking me...
 
And stop licking your fingers. It’s disgusting. The pages don’t turn anymore. We have cigar lick on some of the pages as well… The pages don’t age that fast, Bernie. We bought them two years ago… COVID means nothing when you’re reading. You have masks, sanitizer, PPE, but when you’re turning pages… It’s disgusting. Teshuva. Repent for your disgustingness… I can’t lead you because you’re dirty and carrying disease. I’m too old to be near your disgustingness.

If you want me to continue, the older people have to dye their hair normal... The color is 'normal'... Brown will do. I can't lead metallic orange congregants... It's not racism. It's not a haircolor... No more licking paper. All Siddurs are going to have a wash down. And no more asking me questions... That was a question... No speeches from congregants either... Because at QandAs you each give a speech... No. You didn't ask a question last time, Bernie. You shared your political thoughts and ended it with an upper note... A high note at the end of a two paragraph statement is not a question... And no more sitting me with...
Did they ever apologize to Moshe?
 
Rivka’s Thoughts on Rabbi Mendelechem’s Drasha
 
The rabbi stood up to Dr. Maydit. He didn’t want a felon opening the ark. I think he was afraid he would steal the Torah. And to note. He stole, but he didn’t pay his dues.
The rabbi's abilities to turn any sermon into an appeal and reprimanding is amazing.
The dedication to H' siddur campaign brought no money to the shul. There was not one congregant that claimed to be a relative to Gd.

Rosh Hashana seating was messed up. The chart was put together by the Grosefelds, who had put Frank at the kids table.
One guy stood at the Chazin’s spot. He stood right at the prayer table. Put his siddur up on the table. He claimed that it wasn’t marked. The rabbi had to explain that it’s because it wasn’t a seat. It’s where services are led from.
Nobody in the shul went over to him to tell him. Nobody says anything in our shul. Somebody could be dancing and people would feel it proper to let them go, jumping around the shul. Nobody would go over and tell them, ‘It’s Yizkur.’ Mr. Simlowitz would say that our loved ones who passed would love to see dancing. The Yizkur tune does not call for dancing.

Cards and candies were in abundance at shul for the next month. Kids from all over town were coming. Even adults were coming to get the cards. Non-Jewish adults were lining up during Musaf.
 
The MBD tunes were amazing.
The rabbi protested the barber who was giving those haircuts.
All the sudden, the shul wanted a long Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They didn’t feel like the rabbi gave them enough time to repent.
His message of 'Repent' said it all.
 
The rabbi kept his job afterwards. He got a bit of a raise. That’s all he wanted. He was truly fine with Dr. Maydit, after he paid his dues and ensured the rabbi’s raise.
 
The rabbi didn’t speak much of COVID, but he did speak about how people should follow the rules of social distance, to not sneeze on him. He also made it clear that people were disgusting before the whole COVID thing. That’s why they had to tell people to clean themselves.
He insists to not shake anybody's hand, until they have proven their ability to only sneeze into their left hand, as he always shakes with the right. I believe elbow pounding is going to be happening for a while in shul. I hope that Max doesn't injure anybody else with his elbow attacks.

Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life.  But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it. 
As a woman, I will give you some advice.

Yizkur
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
 
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.

Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost  loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.

You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.

Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out. 
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.

Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.

Simchat Torah
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.

After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. 

In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues.
Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out.
 
It’s Too Early
They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness.
Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven.
Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel.
 
I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long
The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him.
I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute.
The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. 
Devout starts at 7:30am.
 
I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep      
Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep.
I’m not to blame. I’m tired.
Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up.
 
I Have No Idea What the Words Mean
My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. 
I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me.
I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do.
Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it.
 
I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew
I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know.
I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions.
 
I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty
I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7.
I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am.
 
I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad
I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune.
 
I am a Slow Reader 
I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind.
They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything.
Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly.

I Didn’t Do all The Sins
I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody.
I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. 
After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day.

I'm Trying
Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation.
If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too.
I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. 
​
The Shofar Gets Me Mad
This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent.
Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan.

I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am. 

Rosh Hashana preparation is going on. The Steinmans are sinning. They don’t feel they have enough to repent for this year. They've been wreaking havoc all over town. They even pulled a knife on the minimart guy and told him they hadn't done enough this year. They even said 'thank you for making this a meaningful High Holidays for us.' 
Everybody is worried about the pandemic. So, we closed down the shul. Now that people had no idea where to daven, we opened up another shul.
Even with the separation, the rabbi pulled everybody together for the speech. He claimed that speeches don't spread pandemics, just prayers.
 
Kids are all back from camp. They’re running around the shul, scuffing up the floors, and missing their camp friends. That will end by next week, when they realize their camp friends don’t care.
 
The rabbi is doing his best to bring the whole community together. He feels that the Jewish community as a whole can use more Achdut, oneness. The rabbi said, ‘We are one community and that means that we should all be together even if we daven, pray, at different shuls.’ The rabbi received tons of mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together? Do you not care about people?’ The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Mendelchem of pouching their members. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people.
In castigating the rabbi, they all mentioned what is known as ‘these time.’ They are saying that the rabbi should know how important the pandemic is to our people, and that he should not be bringing anybody together.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
A Guten Shabbat
 
Everybody standing here today… It’s Parshat Nitzavim… You stand.
You are part of the community… Today!!! Stand. Everybody stand… Bernie is still sitting… I know you’re 92. Did the 90-year-olds not stand, when Moshe said ‘all of you standing here today’? You think they were sitting, saying ‘I have a bad back’?... Maybe they were dead. Good point… The Levites didn’t die… If they weren’t killed beforehand, they were standing…
As long as you are standing, you don’t have to separate. It’s safe…
 
In this week's Parsha H' calls us together in order that we be a nation to Him…
How are we to become a nation?... No. To Him. To be a nation not to Gd... To be a nation not to Gd, you can sit. You guys sit all the time in shul...
A nation to Him?
Everybody. The people of Israel, who left Egypt, saw the miracles of H'… Now, those who were born in the desert come together… They stand. All of them. The Jewish people. (Devarim 29:9-10) 'You are standing today, all of you, before H’… The heads of the tribes, the elders, the police, the children, the women, the converts, from the wood cutter to the water drawer'… Everybody stands before H’… Not just the Chazin. You fall asleep in the services and... His tunes are not good. i know. But, you have to also do your part. Stand... You stand for the Amidah... When we do an action, we do it as one... Minyin. You don't show for Minyin... Of course, the water drawers. You don’t see water drawers because you don’t invite them into the community. They’re a people too…
 
‘Standing Today.’ The only requirement is we stand before H' together… Stand... No. Together. Put your arms around each other… Let’s sing 'Bilvavi' for a second… Feel the sway. You build a Temple in your heart. Exactly… No excuses… Now they’re leaving shul… I said nothing about the pandemic… The CDC said we can’t sway???
 
Everybody, Even the annoying people. And we all know how annoying the woodcutters can be… We have to accept them…
We cannot leave Mr. Kirshnowitz out of shul activities. He gets in everybody's way. Brings up very offensive conversation. Yes he is annoying, but we still have to invite him to our children's bar and bat mitzvahs. He's part of the community, even though he is very irritating. The Fleishblooms too… Even with their dog that licks everybody… And Max with his harmony… No. We have to accept him… Yes. He’s loud. But we have to accept his annoyance to our prayers and how he throws off all the songs… It's not Lashon Hara. Everybody knows it and he's right here. Mr. Kirshnowitz would say exactly what I'm telling him. He's annoying and he... You don't tell people they are not looking healthy, because they are overweight. You don't equate that with why nobody likes them... It's offensive...

That is what community is about, the annoying people... How much life do they bring? A lot.
The annoying people in our congregation allow us the chance to complain. Which is why we joined this congregation. It's the annoying people that make us a nation… They give us something to do at Kiddish… An ‘Am Kshei Oreph.’ And how annoying are the stiff-necked people?! So thank you Mr. Kirshnowitz for being an annoyance.
 
We are all standing… Got to stand… Stand already… Another second of swaying… OK. We can go on.
We cannot do it alone. I know that the Gabai doesn't want helpers, but you have to work together with the congregation. It must be done together, unless you are Jammy… We are very proud of you for winning the game the other day and making the right decision. You should never pass the ball to your teammates. Passing the ball to your teammates is what loses games… The Gabai needs help... You don't even know Max's Hebrew name. You have to look on a card... He's been a member for 80 years. Mr. Kirshnowitz, please tell him how bad he is at Gabaiing... Soon, people are going to have to call themselves up to the Torah. That's how bad...
 
We become a nation to H'. Not just the people that are there that day, but all the  people. Now. Then. We are a nation... If you stand, we're a nation... You're sitting.
Together, as the nation is the people that even weren't around then. All of this, in order that we will be a nation to H.'  Not a nation to futz around in the shul library… It’s a Beis Medrish. Stop calling it a library. You're futzing… A Beis Medrish. A House of Torah Study with picture books about Israel. Exactly… You can learn Gemara or trace pictures of Tel Aviv. It's all Torah… We have to include everybody. Even the heretics that think Israel’s capital is Tel Aviv… No. We are not getting chairs. ‘Stand Before H.”’ Only standing in the Beis Medrish… That’s why everybody stands at Kiddish. You eat choolante before H'...
 
As taught by my Abba, Shlita… Can't quote my dad? You get mad at me when I quote Artscroll. I'm going to quote my dad... So, he doesn't have an acronym. He's still an important rabbi... He taught, even water drawers… The word 'Nitzavim' is used for standing before H'. It is the same root word used in VaYetze, where it speaks of Yaakov's ladder, 'Mitzuv artza,' standing in the ground- as we must be rooted in the ground, if we are to reach Heaven… Can you stand with your feet in the air?... Exactly. You need to be rooted. Like a water drawer… They're not rooted in the water... You have to be rooted in this world, in order to be a nation. You have to be connected. A nation connected with H'... I know it's a nice lesson. Thank you. You can come up with acronym for him... This is why we are not for the Jewish children living in Nachlaot... They have to get jobs… Does it say ‘and those who don’t draw water’? It says ‘from water drawers to woodcutters’… Yes. It’s a job. $1,000 a tree in my front yard. It’s a job… Well. I'm paying.

A nation together, with goals. Goals together…
(Devarim 29:11) ‘To pass in the Brit (Covenant) of H’ your Gd and His curses that H’ your Gd seals with you today’… We have to stand together to pass in the Brit… It’s today. It’s always today. We have to be ready for the covenant… The goal is the Brit... It's active. That's why you stand... If we don’t accept the Brit, it kills the curses…
Yes. The curses are good. Ever got a good curse… A British extended ‘you’ makes an excellent curse. Like with the witches… The Torah was not talking about the British. H’ was not being derogatory against the commonwealth when He said ‘Brit’… I know you don't like British people, Bernie... He was talking about the covenant… With the Jews. Not the British. The British people are not part of the covenant. They’re not good woodcutters…
She can’t give a curse, because it sounds too nice. Americans don’t have good cursing ability… You’ve got to get passion in there. Moshe expressed the curses with passion… Because he led you people. I understand him… A good curse means He cares… Mr. Kirshnowitz. Can you please show us how to curse somebody... See, Bernie. That's how you do it...
 
You stand the kids there. They’ve got to do the stuff too… The kids have to do something… You’re the youth director. Do you daven with them?... Have them play a game. Something... No. Your kids are messed up. You're messing them up...
Today. We can’t wait. Do something already… Rosh Hashana is coming up this week… That’s today. We’re going to be standing before H,’ together. Just don’t kill it for us, like the woodcutters… Repent now, as one... Standing is necessary for repentance. It's painful enough to be considered atonement. Standing and spending twelve hours in shul.
We’re going to be inviting everybody on Yom Kippur at Kol Nidrei… And we have to stand then too… Yes. The annoying people. Even the ones that don’t share the armrest… And yes. The water drawers are a very important part of our community. You wouldn’t know, because you don’t invite them… There are people drawing water all the time…
We stand together. Even with Bernie… Yes. He’s a non-believer… Well, you don’t believe in me, Bernie.
 
Every day we have to stand before Gd like we are receiving the Torah, together… Even more so on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur... You don't want to end up in hell... The board voted. This Rosh Hashana, everybody is going to be standing alone. Very far apart. Standing away from other Jews… It is against the shul’s policy to stand together to pray. We're going to have a Minyin apart... For the speeches, we can stand together. You usually don’t like what I say, Kim. It’s like a protest…
 
Shabbat Shalom
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
There are a lot of British people in our congregation.
 
People standing for the rabbi’s sermon really helped. Not one person fell asleep. For the first time, all were listening.
Now the rabbi is making people use an acronym when they call him.
 
The rabbi's talk about unity got people real mad. Many didn't want to come back to shul. They insisted that unity is the worst thing for our people.
The rabbi seemed to have made up pandemic rules. I think he said that you can’t catch COVID if you’re standing. He said that he didn’t come up with that rule and it was one of the CDC guidelines.
The rabbi brought up the protests as proof that you can’t catch a virus while standing. With all the standing, I have a feeling there was a pandemic going on in the desert. That's why Moshe told them to stand. Maybe it was a protest, and protests don't transfer diseases when people are standing.
The crazy thing is that once he said 'the CDC,' everybody believed him and went along with it. He started using the CDC to get people to keep Mitzvot. He said that the CDC said you have to keep Shabbis and not talk Lashon Hara, because of the pandemic. He even brought up the state's DOH to tell people they can't drive on Shabbis.

After Rosh Hashana, we stopped following the restrictions. Everybody in the community hated the restrictions and the rabbi’s speeches are too long to stand for.
 
The rabbi really cares about the water drawers. I think he knows that people don’t draw water anymore and that the faucets work. He just likes the idea of not having to deal with congregants.

Mr. Kirshnowitz was empowered by the rabbi's speech. He told Sadie she is too old to enjoy a Chag. He said that holidays can only be enjoyed by people who are not 90 years old. 
The rabbi had a High Holidays Repentance Seminar on how to treat people. He brought in Mr. Kirshnowitz and told everybody, 'This is the perfect example. Don't be like Mr. Kirshnowitz.' Mr. Kirshnowitz was extremely honored.

With the singing, the rabbi really had the people feeling it. I could tell, because their eyes were closed. Some of them closed their eyes because they didn't want the virus getting in them. They didn't have eye masks on.

My shul is looking for a seasoned Chazzan this Rosh Hashana. Applicants must reveal how much salt and pepper they're wearing.
You get it? Seasoned means experienced and spices. Brilliance.​
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I couldn't read my notes at the memorial service and thought it was emotions, till I was told 'It's Yahrzeit.' (Rabbi Mendel's)
You get it? The Yahrzeit is the yearly day of commemoration of one’s passing. Said fast, it’s pronounced ‘your site.' A dark pun for Shabbat Nachamu.

We wanted to play something that wasn't too exciting, so we played a board game. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Board. Bored. Like any good pun, it has to be phonetic. Close your eyes and say it now. You see?! And it's Jewish tradition to play board games on Shabbat.

The shul's Torah wasn't kosher, so some congregants went on Sefaria for a Torah scroll. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? The shul needed a new Torah scroll. The congregants went to Sefaria, a computer program with Torah, that people learn from. You scroll down a website!

The young man in shul was pursuing the girl, so he took her to the Beit Din, to court her. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Beit Din is a court. You court for romance. This week's Parsha talks about court and righteous judgment. I would like to thank my student, Bella, for her help on this brilliance.

We did a show for soldiers who laughed at everything. They were a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel’s)
You get it? Captive audience is people who have to be there. People taken captive are prisoners. The soldiers were laughing cause they had to. The Parsha talks of a woman taken captive.

The Shofar guy at our shul last year. I don't know what others are thinking. He really blew it.
You get it? You blow the shofar. 'He blew it' means he did a bad job. Didn't blow well. Double meaning.

Rosh Hashana begins with a meal, as all Jewish holidays, and we pull out fruit and vegetables, eat them as 'signs,' and ask Gd to make the coming year a good one. That always means better than last year. The previous year was never that great. It was decent, but it could be better. So, we ask Gd for a good year and show Him some of the fruit and vegetables that could've had a longer shelf life. Thus, we ask for a better year where the cucumbers don't spoil after three days in the fridge.
We have a beautiful huge meal, to make up for any food we might have lost out on the year prior. We don't want to go into the year thin. That would give us nothing to do. Nothing to pray for. Last year, I dieted all year. I also sinned a bit, so I would have something to ask Gd for during the Ten Days of Repentance.  With all that in mind, I shall tell you about what I now know every Jew should be prepared for when in Israel.

Eating in America Did Not Prepare Me
Known as Simanim, the signs at the meal, I grew up with an apple in the honey and a pomegranate representing Mitzvot. That is all my Ashkenazik upbringing prepared me for; cute little blessings of a sweet new year and a stained shirt. We would even sing a cute song, just in case somebody was scared of apples and honey. We sung the song 'dip the apple in the honey, say a blessing loud and clear. Shana Tova uMituka, have a happy sweet new year.' It was cute and harmless. The pomegranate wasn't harmless, so we didn't sing a song about it. We just said that it represents a lot of Mitzvot, and accepted the fact that our shirt would get stained. 
Israel was nothing like this. There was no cute song. The apple-honey rhyme didn't work in Hebrew. I don't know if it's every dinner, but whatever song that family was singing my first Rosh Hashana in Israel had me feeling the Pesach Seder all over again. Everything sounded like 'Ha Lachma Anya' to me, and I was in for a shock. They sung with real deep voices that I was not prepared for, due to their size.
The only thing that my Jewish upbringing in America prepared me for was eating a lot.

My First Interaction with Violent Fruit
The Israeli family brought out beautiful fruits and a fish head. The fish head kind of went with the 'Ha Lachma Anya' feeling of leaving Egypt. And the next thing I know, the whole table started focusing on enemies. They were using fruit to curse out our foes. That was when I knew that I will never mess with an Israeli while they are eating.
They started taking carrots in their hands and saying that 'Gd should cut down our enemies like a carrot.' I learned later that the root word for carrot in Hebrew is the same root as 'cutting down.' They went through all the fruits on the table. Even the gummy strawberry was used to mock those who try to bring us down. Personally, I would think that if you give a gummy strawberry to an enemy, they're going to be your friend. They'll stop attacking and start picking gumminess out of their teeth.

Don't Mess With Israelis
The shock continued at that dinner, and the next night's dinner too, where the family pulled out squash. I started seeing our Jewish people in a whole new light. 
We are a relaxed people, passive in nature, but you throw fruit and vegetables into the equation and we get very violent. When we summon Gd while eating gourds, we are not a people you want to mess with. 
Work in a rhyme and we are wiping out all evil beings. Work in a pun and decrees of judgment are raining down. Peace ruling the world through seasonal local produce. And watch out if they start with alliterations. 'Crazy criminal counterattack country' is what I’m talking about, with 'kumquats.' 

More People Do It
One of the tables I was at a couple years years ago pulled out a carrot, whose root must have many meanings, and said, ‘May it be Thy will… that their decrees be those of judgment.’ And then, they cut a fruit and said that the juice should blind the enemies, like it did the owners of the house when they squeezed it by accident.

I Am Scared
That last meal had me scared. The shock of my first Rosh Hashana in Israel turned into fear. I started picturing the horrors that carrots can do to people. With a Hebrew name whose root means ‘decrees,’ I was scared to eat. I didn’t want to know the food's verdict. I had nightmares about cucumbers and tomatoes. I started having flashbacks to pickles and pickled tomatoes I had growing up. I didn’t eat Israeli salad for half a year. I was eating falafel with a pita, tahini, and that’s it. I couldn’t use Chumus either. At that last dinner, they said something about Chumus and Hamas.

I am over much of my fear. I now eat with my family on Rosh Hashana, and we dunk the apple, saying, ‘May this be a sweet new year.’ I don't believe my family can handle floral self-defense. 
Going back to my Ashkenazik roots, I wanted to stop with all the other requests that angiosperms can bring. I was still scared of the Israeli salad, cut up so small. It hit me that fruits can be used for good and evil. Food can be used for good and evil. You can own a fruit shop, like my grandpa, and provide people with star fruit, so they can eat something on Rosh Hashana they would never want to eat otherwise.
It took me a while, but I learned my lesson. And I now know what the Simans are for. I feel it is time we embrace our tradition and focus on eating fruit and vegetables that will wipe out the evil from our lives. I am not scared of my Israeli brethren. I know that they are using vegetation to protect us.
It is about wiping evil out of our lives, so that our year can be one of blessing. A year where we don't have to eat fennel. A year, where we put on weight from the sugar found in plantation.

Ever since those first Rosh Hashana dinners, I have had nightmares about carrots. When they pop up in coleslaw, I'm taken aback. I am never eating carrots again, just in case there's another root I don't know about. Please don't mention Tzimis.
As for you, you should enjoy all the fruits and vegetables at the Rosh Hashana dinner. And don't be scared of carrots. I am still in shock and trying to figure out how carrots can free us from our enemies. You should all have a sweet new year, where our enemies rot like carrots. A year where people can finally laugh at puns and not judge them.