Announcements
No taking breaks to get water when you have a Yahrzeit. This is not a production. It’s a Yahrzeit, and you are repeating the Amida. That’s it. 
Yahrzeit Rule: Lead Davening and get it over with. People have jobs to get to.
 
We found the cat. You can now Daven.
 
The shul is getting new Yads. It appears as though the Torah pointer fingers on the Yads have been getting caught in too many Tallises.
 
Tehillim will be every day. Until this war is over, we will say Tehillim every day. Please stop calling the office. We are sorry if you have to miss a minute and forty-five seconds of work, because our soldiers are in Gaza trying to rid the world of evil and saving our hostages.
 
Class on volunteering will take place this Tuesday, as nobody volunteers. If anybody would like to volunteer to put out phone calls for people to show up to the class, please let the office know.
The class next Tuesday on volunteering has been cancelled, due to lack of volunteers.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Avraham tells Sarah to tell the Egyptians she's his sister, so they don’t kill him... Yes. It makes sense. You do things to save someone’s life. You didn’t even call 911... It was a hit and run. And you just kept on walking... You do stuff to help. Like maybe lifting a hand a Kiddish. You help clean... You eat, but you do nothing else. You even leave your plate on the table...

(Bereishit 12:14-16) They see she is beautiful and they ‘praise her to Paroh... And he treated Avraham well because of her, and he got sheep, cattle, donkeys...’ He even got servants. What have you done for your husband, Vicky?! You gave him an ulcer... Forget about the fact that Paroh took her to his house. That's besides the point. At least Avraham got something out of it...
Avraham is kicked out of Egypt for lying to Paroh. Not all plans are necessarily good ones. But they lived. That's the point... I find it hard to live through Davening here. So painful. If my wife would tell people I wasn’t a rabbi, I wouldn’t have to come to shul and listen to Shmuli's drawn out prayers. Or groaning... Well you're not singing.
You make everything painful. Everything takes longer with you.
You went to get a sucking candy. Why did you have to get a sucking candy... You’re not an opera singer. You lead one prayer for twenty minutes... Your mother would’ve never been that pretentious. How many candies do you need to repeat the Amida?! Now the Amida is a production. That's a riddle. Here. A ruddle for the congregation. How many sucking candies does it take for Shmuli to repeat the silent prayer?!... You should've brought an orchestra for your Modim.
And water? You had to get a drink of water?! Your throat was parched... It was parched because you never show up for Davening. If you were used to Davening, you would’ve been able to go without candy and water for an hour and a half... I am used to it, because I have been here when Shimon leads Davening... It's almost as painful as listening to Shmuli.

You are all just a burden.
This is about praise for Sarah. She was willing to do what was needed to protect them. Not one person volunteered for the class on how to volunteer. Not one person protected the shul and told Shmuli how much they hated his Davening...
The one thing the community gets behind, a stray cat that eats Kiddish leftovers...

What about a new Yad. You know how many Tallises I have destroyed due to Torah Yads...
Yes. We are still saying Tehillim... Not for my Tallises.
We are going to say Tehillim for our brethren and sistren in Israel... Every day. Yes. Every day. It's about thinking about other people. Just as Sarah did for Avraham...

So selfish. Can’t miss a minute of work for Tehillim.
And you can lie to H' and pretend you're a good Jew for this...

Rivka's Rundown
All of Kiddish, people were asking what's wrong with the cisterns in Israel.

Yahrzeits shouldn’t be painful for the rest of the shul. It seems like the only one who is enjoying these Yahrzeits is the person whose parent died.
So pretentious. They need to get water. Have a cup of coffee up there like it's a production. They're repeating Shacharit. That's it.
These Yahrzeit guys think it's their day to perform. As if their parents passed away so their son can have a yearly Hebrew reading recital.
They don't get it. People want to get out of shul. They come to get out. It's not a show. If it was a show, people would be willing to pay. Our members don't even pay dues. 
And their voices are awful. It’s like seeing a guy up there with a microphone, holding it all professionally, to only find out that Bernie is the singer.

And the selfishness shows itself when it comes to Israel. We have congregants doing the loud breath because they have to say Tehillim. One did a loud breath and a head shake.
Our congregants feel that there is a cap on how much Tehillim one should say. And they don't even visit the sick. So it has nothing to do with thinking about people in our community who are sick. If you get sick in our community, the only prayer you'll get from the other members is that you shouldn't come back.
The rabbi made it clear that the women in the congregation are not helpful.
I think he was just trying to get the women to blame Shmuli for the slow Davening, and to kick Shmuli off the Bima. He is trying to garner support.

The rabbi should’ve known nobody would volunteer for the class on volunteering. The class got cancelled before they advertised it. I believe they put out the announcement to let the membership know how useless they are.

The congregation was looking for that cat for a good two weeks. That's all they did. We had no weekday Minyin because of that cat.
Once we found the cat people were cheering that now evil has been eliminated from this world. Then we saw the cat, attack a mouse.

The rabbi always gets the Yad stuck in his Tallis. They’re getting a Yad that has no finger. It’s a new fist Yad the rabbi has insisted on creating. It's like a Jewish power Yad. We have the setting for it. The JDL wants to fund it.

At Kiddish, the rabbi used the message of Lech Lecha, where H' tells Avraham to go for himself, to get Bernie to renounce his shul membership and join another congregation.

A good Jew knows that feeling bad is the most important thing you can do to help the situation in Israel. However, the soldiers have not asked us to feel bad. That had me questioning if they were true Yireih Shamaim.
It turns out they do fear Gd. They just need practical stuff from us, and they want us to think positively.
Here is stuff our Israeli brothers and sisters in Tzahal have requested.

Energy Bars
I believe they have enough chocolate chip cookies. It would seem that the soldiers now want energy bars.
It turns out the soldiers don't like some of your recipes. Some soldiers complained that people were sending cookies that are not Duncan Hines. When you hear soldiers asking you for fig bars, that is a subtle way of letting you know that your baking is off. One unit had to a throw out a whole batch, because the cookies had raisins in them. Do our soldiers not deserve better?!
It would also seem that eating chocolate chip cookies and then puking on the battle field is not sustainable.

Duct Tape
Apparently scotch tape doesn't work in war either. Is that stuff good for anything?

Decent Boots
I have no idea who has been sending them totes. They're going out to battle for us. They're not going to shul on a rainy day.

Underwear
This one is just a ploy to get decent underwear in Israel, finally. The decent American underwear with a thread count of more than one. The kind of underwear that invests in a flap.
Now they have me questioning if they had underwear before. Going to the beach in Tel Aviv, I always knew the underwear was a swimsuit.
And to know that many soldiers end up returning their uniforms for other soldiers to use. What was happening until now.

Helmets and Knee Pads
I don't understand all of the army stuff. I guess they're preparing for extreme sports. Maybe some new form of parkour. Skateboarding is cool.

Tzitzit
More than helmets, they want Tzitzit. The soldiers understand the gravity of war. They just wear different protective gear than other servicemen in other countries, who are going to battle with bulletproof vests.
When you're fighting for Israel, you're fighting for the presence of H' in the world. Our soldiers know that you're not truly going to battle evil unless if you feel a little tickle going down your legs.
I get it. I grew up in the Army of H'. Now I don't want to brag about my days as a warrior, getting Mitzvah points. All I can say is that I was a soldier at one point in my life. Even though I may have never saved a life, Chabad helped me feel like a hero when I was in third grade. And though I failed the Chumash and Rashi quiz, thank you Chabad. I took that test with Tzitzit on. I failed the test, but I won the battle.

They want us to Have a Good Shabbis
They want us to feel bad. That's what they really want.
To quote a loving soldier, 'We can't have a normal Shabbat on the front line. But you enjoy. Enjoy Shabbat for us. Sing. Dance. Celebrate.' Just throw on the guilt.

Advocate for Them
This does not meant telling everybody how many computer chips Israel has invented. We're not worrying about Hamas and the PA boycotting Israel.

They Want Drawings
They want our support, and that comes in the form of a six year old drawing a messed up Israeli flag with purple crayons. How kids are so not artistic, and can't differentiate colors. It's pathetic. Yet, it makes the soldiers happy. So, have the kids write thank you letters, even if they can't spell.
One soldier wanted me to thank you on their behalf for all the chocolate chip cookies of appreciation. It turns out his unit is the most out of shape unit in Tzahal right now.

Next time we'll talk about how we've been sneaking the helmets and underwear past ELAL security. And how I told them the 12,000 Fig Newtons on the pallet I was carrying onto the plane were for me.

Announcements
We ask that the Davening leaders not slow everything down. We understand you don’t find it painful when you don’t have to sit in shul listening to you. Due to the annoyance of you, we’re losing congregants.

We are asking that relay races not take place in the halls during Musaf. We ask kids think about retaking up paper football. There is less yelling and less old people get run over by triangular paper towels on a table. We do still ask that people have more control when flicking the paper towels through people's fingers. Aim is requested.

How to help Israel??? We are collecting for energy bars.

Due to the importance of safety in our community, we will ask the Gabai to step down. With the threat of violence against Jews, we’re worried the Gabai will get attacked for messing up who he chooses for Aliyahs and Hagba.

Volunteer day for Israel is coming up. If you can’t come. Donate.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 7:1) H’ tells Noah to go to the ark with his family, ‘because you I have seen to be a Tzadik before me in this generation.’ ‘In this generation’... Yes. I reiterated. I have to repeat stuff, because you are sleeping half the time. If I repeat it, I figure there's a chance you'll hear it... Yes. Sometimes I have to repeat it eight times, just in case you wake up for a second. The messages are that important. And there is no Tzadik in this shul.

'In this generation.' Our shul. I can’t find one Tzadik in this shul. Do you know how easy it is to be a Tzadik in our shul. With the slow Daveners... A Tzadik wouldn't take twelve minutes for the repetition of the Amidah. Chazaras Hashas should take two and a half minutes.
People who can’t even lift a hand to help with Shalishudis, when our brethren and sisteren are being attacked... They volunteer in Israel. The whole country is out there trying to help however they can. Little kids are drawing thank you cards of support for soldiers.
Watch this. Nobody will come to volunteer day... Because you’re not Tzadiks. If you were in Israel there would be not one drawing for soldiers... Hamas would take the stuff for themselves. They wouldn't give one drawing to their people...

It’s about rebuilding. Noah builds an ark. He’s commanded to build... Sarah Shaindel Malki. You were not told to do anything to the kitchen. That was a new LG. You got the idea to rebuild from some HGTV show... They know what they're doing on HGTV. Our shul is not a fixer upper Sarah Shaindel Malki...
Human beings build. We don’t destroy.  We don’t destroy, unless if you’re Ruchel with your ideas for a Bat Mitzvah Simcha with Miley Cyrus... What does Miley have to do with Torah? It's not a multi-media program... Your husband wanted a Mitzvah volunteer theme. But you said that Kaley (you can't even say her name) needs Miley to connect to H'. Something about cannonballs... There are no cannonballs or DJs in the Torah...

H’ decides what must be destroyed. What has to be destroyed? Hamas. The world was full of Hamas... Imagine the board of our shul running the world.
We have to rebuild a world without Hamas... Yes. It says Hamas in this week’s Parsha. The world was destroyed because of Hamas... Maybe the Torah knew about Hamas. The terrorist group of Hamas did not exist back then. But their corruption and thievery did...
We want to rebuild the kitchen that Sarah Shaindel Malki decorated. It looks so bad. Destroyed the congregation. Stole a decent kitchen that caterers could use. How many microwaves do we need... Then cover the stuff. Buy the plastic covers and you need one, maybe two microwaves...

It is through me that this shul must be rebuilt. I am the only Tzadik in this shul. As Noah was the Tzadik of his generation...
(7:15) ‘And they came to Noah, into the ark...’ The animals came to Noah. He didn’t have to chase them. They volunteered. You have to take an initiative sometimes, and do something... Because then you will be destroyed.
They are all volunteering in Israel now. And we can’t even get one person to help with Shalishudis.
I have to chase you. Hamas. Destruction... No. Bernie. Volunteering and donating in the announcements was not a joke...
At least donate money. Give something. These aren't dues. Nobody should have to chase you to give money to Israel during these times... I know the 'donate' announcement made no sense. This is why the president of this congregation should step down... You don't know your constituents. Have you seen Shalishudis?! Crackers. That's it. You get crackers. Just crackers. You don't get egg salad when people don't volunteer. When you have our membership...

I was playing freeze tag with the congregants... It was like a relay race to get away from the rabbi, or any sort of help. Some people were even playing hot potato with the idea of being useful...
And that is why we have no Shalishudis, and the soldiers have no energy bars.

We have to rebuild Davening. You destroyed it. Shimon. You have killed our Minyan with your painful Davening. We have to keep him away from the Bima... So slow. Even Bernie finishes before you.
And then Kaddish. A random other guy slows the thing down, and you go even slower. How do you go slower than slow?... We slowed it down for you. Then you went slower. No matter what speed we’re at, you go slower.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi has to repeat stuff a lot. One time he repeated his whole sermon. Yankel woke up and asked the rabbi what he was talking about, so the rabbi started the whole thing again. Most congregants don't like Yankel anymore.

Nobody knew about the microwave covers. The rabbi had a sale on the plastic microwave covers. He marked them meat and dairy, and he pulled in a bundle.
People thought the microwave covers were only made of metal. Which is how all the microwaves at the shul originally got destroyed. The rabbi had a class about the how the metal covers were for hotel room service.
They think the shul is their playground. Sarah Shaindel Malki is a failed interior designer. I hate to say it. She can't even design a row of microwaves correctly. And as the rabbi said, 'This isn't Lashon Hara, beacuse she is annoying.'

Soldiers want energy bars. After they received a package of homade cookies from our congregants, they insisted on protein and energy bars only. Store-bought.

Last year, freeze tag was the game of choice at shul. Now it’s relay races. The rabbi wants to go back to paper football. He says it’s easier to get people to volunteer when they’re not running.
I've got hit by those triangular paper towels. Some of these kids have no idea how to flick. Can't flick a triangle between the fingers of the other guy. It's like they're facing the wrong way when they flick.

How quickly everybody forgot about what happened in Israel. I heard everybody is volunteering in Israel. In our shul, people are watching videos. That's all they do. They watch videos and say 'I have served my country.'

The Davening truly was painful. When they figured out how slow they can go, they went slower. People left. They withdrew their membership thanks to Shimon and Baruch. Bernie does Daven real slow. And even he finished before Shimon got through the first paragraph of the Amida.
And Shimon is the one who is always complaining we pray to slow. Once he gets up there, it's different. Shimon somehow knows we all like hearing his voice. He goes into this 1950s crooning to H'. Like he is serenading Gd. I have no problem with serenading Gd. However, you wouldn't want Shimon standing there, at your front door, with his barbership quartet, doing the Kedusha for half an hour.
The carzy thing is he picks fast tunes and does them real slow. That makes it even more annoying.

The rabbi later explained that he was not praising himself. He was just noting how bad this generation in our shul is. Though, he is a Tzadik for dealing with Ruchel. Her husband can't stand her. She has taken him to so many Miley Cyrus concerts. She forces him.

We had a shul volunteer day for Israel, to make packages for the soldiers. One person showed. The energy bars and the underwear were not separated. He didn't have time for that. He just threw them all in a really big box and shipped it. Then he took energy bars home, and some boxers by accident.
Donations didn't happen. Everywhere else in the world people gave money. Our congregants were worried that if they gave money they would then be asked to pay their dues. Instead they gave used underwear.
A couple people popped in for a minute because they needed some essentials for their own house and they didn't have time to go to Costco.

The rabbi gave a class on volunteering. That was not well attended, as you had to volunteer to come to the class.

If what I am speaking is Lashon Hara, I am guessing none of you know our community, and you will probably never meet these people, as they would never help with anything. You probably won't see them at shul either. If they're not leading, they don't show up.

I went back to my alma mater and I found so many anti-Israel protest tables on the quad. I had to stick up for Israel and our people. I won't say the name of the alma mater, as it is an Ivy League, and the students are apparently very dumb. I am worried for the Jewish students on campus now. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.
I had to argue with somebody who was vehemently pro-Palestine, which they figured is located somewhere near Thailand. And the arguments got worse from there. Here are some of the arguments I had with these very well-educated people.

It's Not Antisemitism Argument
I told them that their anti-Israel sentiments were exactly antisemitism. And I asked, 'Why are there always attacks on Jewish communities in America or Europe when Arabs attack Jews in Israel?!' One student exclaimed, 'Israel is located in Europe. You fool.'
I received a strong argument in return that it’s only anti-Israel, as a Jew right next to us with a Kippah was being chased by a Palestinian flag.

I had to explain to one pro-Palestinian protester that 'Allah Akbar' does not mean 'kill Jews.' I was personally offended when one student said it means to not have control over your vehicle when you're driving it in a crowd. When I told them that the translation is 'Gd is greatest,' they explained to me how it's the same thing. 
Later that day, they were not cheering 'Allah Akbar' anymore. They were just chanting 'Kill the Jews.' I asked why they took out 'Allah Akbar.' They explained to me that they checked with some of their Muslim friends what Allah Akbar means and their Muslim friends said Jews have the same belief. They said, 'If that's the case. We hate Akbars.'
I asked why these students for finger paint as a real art were so involved in this anti-Israel protest. They said, 'Because we are atheists, and we believe the Gd of the Muslims is the true Gd.'
How finger painting turned into a college course, I have to ask the administration. I believe there was a protest and they gave in.

One very bright Ivy League woman said they’re not anti-Semites. She was holding a banner that said, ‘All Jews should die.’ I asked how that’s not antisemitism. She said, ‘Jews should die. But I still love them.’

The What Hamas Really Wants Argument
It's hard to make peace with people whose only stated goal is to kill you. I let the student know that this is their goal. One student looked at me blankly, ‘Then what is the problem?’

I told one liberal who was chanting 'give peace a chance,' that this isn't Vietnam. I told them that Hamas wants to destroy Israel and kill the Vietnamese. They said, 'Because the Vietnamese are Jews.'
I showed them a video of Hamas leaders telling them to kill Jews. They kept on saying that is not what Hamas is about. They said they trust Hamas. I said, 'Then you should trust what they say.'​ They let me know that that sentiment is anti-Hamas 'which is very offensive, and I am hurt.' I was thus introduced to the logic of how Palestinians want peace with Israel when they say that Jews should die and that Israel should not exist.
I showed them the Hamas charter which says to avoid any negotiations for peace and to destroy Israel or die through martyrdom. They said, 'You still have to negotiate.' I reiterated that they are against negotiation. They said, 'Then you should negotiate with them.' When I explained that negotiations by definition need the other people, they said, 'Stop lying.'

Acts of Terror
I was not dissuaded when the non-student, who was apparently a student, somehow, though they were not part of the university, argued that shooting from behind their children is to be commended. I asked for an explanation, and they told me that 'as long as Hamas does it, it’s OK.'
It got out of hand when they argued, 'Using civilians to protect your fighters is a good idea. All is fair in love and war.' I exclaimed, 'But they are not fighting their own civilians.' To which they said, 'The Gazan civilians are Jewish.'
I told them about the inhumanity of the human shield. They said, 'And warriors have always had shields.' I told them that they had shields made of metal, not babies. They said, 'You use what you have.' 

Follow-up Notes
I have a hard time arguing with such hatred for the Olam, the world. There is no Emes in what these students that aren't students are arguing on behalf of their professors. I knew there was no coming back when the pro-choice girl said that rape is fine if it's part of your culture.
Then they blamed the Gazan Jews for hitting the hospital with a rocket through the Jews of Islamic Jihad. 
I hope I am better equipped to go back and educate them next week. I have to work on my ability to convince them that Israel exists in Israel.

***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. And may we see the return of our people that have been kidnapped, as we pray for their health and immediate return. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities, and the heartfelt gratitude to our soldiers. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm

How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know.
 
I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai)
You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices.

Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow.
 
They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate.
 
In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education.
 
When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun..
 
Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels.

Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house.

We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch.
We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents.

The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out.
We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices.
‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi.
​
Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey...
Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board...

We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... 

Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light.
People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening...

We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad.
Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls...
When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet.

(Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die...
I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself.
Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie.

When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems.
Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... 
If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house…

The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice.
Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes...

You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel…

Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world.
You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel…

Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing.
Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it.
Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it.

Rivka's Rundown
The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world.
In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise.

The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’
We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. 
Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions.

That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity.
It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them.

Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel.
The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks.
The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation.

Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel.
And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs.

The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things.

I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned. 
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry.
The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do.

Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page
This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important.
Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel.
 
Worry
Worrying is very important.
 
Worry About Any Noise
All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us.
We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash.
The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house.

Pray A Lot
A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it.
Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management.

Look at Your Phone
Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. 
Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good.

Share Videos of Love For Israel
Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again.

If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care
To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.'
Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. 

Kindness
The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on.
The kindness is never ending.
 
Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’
It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping.
Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart.

Share Stuff on Social Media
Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping.
What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’

Send Go Fund Mes to Other People
Without having donated yourself.
Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff.

Going Out
Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing.
I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort.

Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives
Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch.
All the stories are so touching.

Baking For Soldiers
Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers.

Cook
The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. 
Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza.

Drawing
If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. 
Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. 

Donating Blood
You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more.

Try to Volunteer
Good luck. You're competing with too many people.

Do Not Pay Anybody
Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. 
I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck.

Ask People How They Are
Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.'

Tell People to 'Stay Safe'
If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life.

Respond Positively to All Questions
To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.'
Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK.

Protest
If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel.

There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week.
I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad.

***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm

Announcement
After the patheticness at the last Bat Mitzvah, and the lack of foresight preparing for Simchat Torah, the shul will be hosting mandatory Simcha Dancing classes throughout the month of Cheshvan. 
Simchat Torah, we’re going to have men and women circles. This way, people will be able to choose where they want to look. Nobody will be forced to focus on the horrific sight of men dancing in a circle.

The shul would like to apologize for the Lulavs and Etrogs we picked up this year. To quote Mordechai, ‘The Etrogs were a lemon.’
We do ask that people not hurt each other next year. Lulavs should remain close to the body. They are sharp and they do hurt when you wave them like it’s a Tallis. We also ask you to stop hurting people with your tassels. Next time anybody hits anybody with a Jewish artifact they will get escorted out of the shul by security. With that in mind, we also ask congregants stop swaying back and forth during Davening. Your lack of body control, as exhibited by your dancing, is dangerous.

The rabbi will be in Israel for Simchat Torah. As the rabbi expressed in his holiday message, 'There can only be Simcha when there are no congregants.'

Rabbi Mendelchem's Guest Rabbi's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom You...
(Devarim 33:8-10) Levi is going to carry the Urim and Tumim... Because the Levites didn’t mess up. They’re also going to be the teachers... Because they didn’t mess up everything. This isn’t the Simchat Torah committee... Yes. You messed up. You don’t even know how to dance... It’s the holiday where we dance for the Torah. You have a committee for Simchat Torah and not one of your knows the 'Mayim Mayim BSason'...
And the Bat Mitzvah dancing. You don't hold onto the limbo stick to support yourself.

The Mei Meriva??? Ahron did Teshuva (Ramban). So, you can’t hold it against him... You were sitting in the back talking all of Musaf on Yom Kippur. Did you do
Teshuva for that?! I know it’s hard to repent when Yom Kippur already passed. You were talking the whole of Yom Kippur, in shul... I know it's hard to repent for Yom Kippur, when you need Yom Kippur... And why are we talking about bitter waters. Now you're bitter because you can't dance. The Levites would have taught you how to dance...

‘They kept the covenant.’  They kept the Brit Milah going, even in the desert. They didn't dessert H'... In the desert, they didn't desert. Exactly. They kept the Mitzvot. There's a reason, Shmuel who doesn't know how to dance the Mayim BSason doesn't teach it...
‘They shall teach Your ordinance to Yakov and Your Torah to Israel.’ Not Moishie. Who is Moishie??? You hired the worst Hebrew school teacher...
We need teachers who know what holidays are coming up... You don't celebrate Simchat Torah with Matzah balls.

We need a better board. We need people who know how to hold a Lulav without whacking people. We need relaxed congregants who don’t get all worked up about Lulavs and Etrogs... It’s the only Mitzvah you care about. And you attacked Max. Max was looking at a Lulav, you bumped him and took it, then poked him... It was a sharp Lulav. He’s 96 years old. There’s a Mitzvah to respect your elders. At least not whack them with branches...

It’s because they didn’t mess up. Levi didn’t mess up like Kathryn, who is on the board... From what I have seen here, if you're on the board, you're not a Levite...
Cheshvan is called a bitter month, because we have to deal with the congregants, and there are no holidays where the leave...

​Rivka's Rundown
The sermon was given by a guest rabbi. Our rabbi was in Israel. The guest rabbi, only with us for three days, already can't stand the congregation.
He didn't see us as his pupils yet, so he called us 'you.' Much of the membership felt that was intimate enough. 

The Lulav waiving did get violent. Our membership has no waiving control. Being near them during Lulav waiving is almost as dangerous as being near Baruch when he’s putting on his Tallis. Many members have been held up in the hospital with tassel whips.
Lulav injuries include: The Hakafot back of the head bump. The pace around the shul wasn't fast enough, so the bottom of Mark's Lulav caught Feivel in the back of his neck. A hand with a Hadas through it. A pair of glasses that went when Ruchel tried waving her Lulav in all directions during Hallel. She hit six people on that. She even hit a little girl who was trying to get to her mom with the down direction Lulav wave. Then there was the black eye from Shalom, who saw a friend and tried to say 'hi' with his Lulav.

And then hitting Max. That was wrong. It was over a box. They couldn't even see the Etrogs. So, they were check the boxes for nicks. Max had a pristine Etrog box, so they tackled him. Then he got whacked with a Lulav.

The membership seemed to only hear that there was room for men and women to dance. They didn't hear the part about sides. So, it felt like a non-religious wedding. 
Bernie and Max Schulman tried bringing the traditional separate men's and women's sides. Being that the dancing was so off, and they couldn't control the train, the men ended up dancing on the women's side. 

The Simcha Dancing classes themselves were painful to watch. Just seeing our members walk in a circle is a painful sight. 
It seems that the only Jewish dance the congregants know is the shoulder hold, where you hold the shoulders of the guy in front of you. My take: The arm on somebody else’s shoulder does not constitute a dance. They’re doing it because they will fall otherwise. It's for balance. 

If it was Zumba they could do it. They can't dance normally as Jews. But they can do aerobics. Aerobics is the most Jewish thing our congregants do.

I think the rabbi blames the shul board for everything. He blamed them for the teachers at the day school as well. The visiting rabbi even blamed them, and he just met them.
The day school teachers know nothing about Judaism. But they do know how to teach Zumba.

After the Chag, we heard about the attacks in Israel. We called our rabbi and he said he was safe. I believe he thought we were asking how it was being away from the congregants. He answered, 'I am safe. I haven't had any questions about services here.'

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.

People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.

Decorate It
How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork.
Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations.
Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. 

Eat in It
That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah.

Hang Sticky Tape
 This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well.
I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah.

Bring Out the Food
Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself.
Nobody will help.

Host Sukkah Hoppers
This means to have sweets ready.
Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday.
Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing.

Torah Conversations
That won’t happen. 
Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah.

Sleep in the Sukkah
You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience.

Wave Your Lulav in It
That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark.

Programs
Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers.
Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program.