​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life.  But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it. 
As a woman, I will give you some advice.

Yizkur
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
 
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.

Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost  loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.

You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.

Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out. 
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.

Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.

Simchat Torah
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.

After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. 

In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues.
Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out.
 
It’s Too Early
They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness.
Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven.
Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel.
 
I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long
The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him.
I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute.
The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. 
Devout starts at 7:30am.
 
I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep      
Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep.
I’m not to blame. I’m tired.
Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up.
 
I Have No Idea What the Words Mean
My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. 
I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me.
I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do.
Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it.
 
I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew
I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know.
I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions.
 
I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty
I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7.
I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am.
 
I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad
I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune.
 
I am a Slow Reader 
I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind.
They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything.
Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly.

I Didn’t Do all The Sins
I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody.
I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. 
After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day.

I'm Trying
Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation.
If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too.
I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. 
​
The Shofar Gets Me Mad
This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent.
Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan.

I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am.