How did they travel to Jerusalem to bring sacrifices? In a car-bon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Karbon is Hebrew for sacrifice. Sacrifices in the Temple. They traveled there. Carbon is a chemical, and not part of the pun. I can't explain the 'bon' part. A car bomb would be wrong. When delivering this pun, focus on the 'car' part. Draw attention to ‘car.’
 
What Bracha do you make on a boat? Shehakol nehiyeh bidva row-row-row. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Shehakol blessing is the blessing everybody makes on water. A boat is in water. The song 'Row Row Row Your Boat' is about a boat.
 
Why did the entertainer take prisoners? He wanted a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The captive audience joke works every year. So many iterations. It's amazing. Create your own pun about people taken captive. They have to laugh at it. Amazing joke when people are locked up. Great way to start any bit. And all puns are best when done in question form.
 
Why did they visit their friends? They were told to do Bikurim. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bikurim is the first fruits. Also means to 'visit with,' if we're talking Hebrew and you split up the word. The Temple didn't see those fruits, as they misunderstood what to do. Some puns are not meant to be funny. They are meant to be educational.

Please remind me to say Hatarat Nedarim before Rosh Hashana. I promised I wouldn't forget it this year. (Mordechai)
You get it? Hatarat Nedarim is annulling vows. He vowed he wouldn't forget to annul the vows. Another vow. He has to annul that too. If he doesn't show up, he's in trouble.
 
I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.

I paid for a top of the line Etrog, but ended up with a real lemon. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Etrogs are a citrus fruit. They look like lemons. You can't use a lemon as an Etrog on Sukkot. Kids do, because they can't tell the difference. Cars that are lemons are not good. So the Etrog wasn't good. It was a lemon.

Announcements
The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah.
 
Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book.
 
Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. 
 
We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board.
Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants…
Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you…
Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal...
They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff.
The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes...
People hear it all. All is heard...
They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do...

The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin...
The heaven and earth are listening. 
The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent...

Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity...
 
(Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up...
You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off...
Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'...
The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?!
If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked...

(Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted...

(Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.'
Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972...
From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul...
I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace...
And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it…
There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it...  H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers...
Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover.
 
If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin...
Good Shabbis. That's H.'
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. 

The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. 
It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much.
The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board.

The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them
'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' 

Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip.
I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't.

Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here.
When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me.
With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel.
 
The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.'

The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel.
No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened.
It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it.
As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync.

I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.'
 
The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf.
The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left.
I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights.
 
Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance.
Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said.

The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. 
It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul.

Announcements
No more Shofar blowing in the shul hallways. Benjamin. You know you can't blow. The Gabai didn't ask you to blow for the shul this year, for a reason. We also suggest you don’t blow with the windows open to your home either. Too much anti-semitism has been caused, due to your poor Shofar blowing abilities. Your neighbors already hear you screaming at your kids. Your children not helping take out the trash has already caused much hatred.
 
If you haven’t repented yet, the rabbi will help you after services with the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He will tell you how annoying you are and how much God doesn’t like you right now. The message of the rabbi’s Shabbat Shuva Sermon will be, ‘If you listen to me and stop talking in shul, H’ might love you too… When you are thinking of sinning, think of what Bernie would do and don't do it. And listen to your rabbi.’
 
There will be no huge meals for kids in shul this Yom Kippur. These kids refuse to eat at school. They come to shul on Yom Kippur and gorge. The rabbi has decided it's wrong to focus on food when he is hungry.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 35:2) 'Six days you shall do work.' That means to do stuff... Coming to shul is doing stuff. It means don't be lazy. Don't be like the board... I worked on this Drasha. I worked, Bernie. I wasn't lazy... A message to you all to change. To not be you. This Shabbat Shuva, return to not being you...
It's Yom Kippur. Just repent already. For crying out loud. Repent.. It's the Ten Days of Repentance. Focus... You need a year. Bernie...

'And the seventh day shall be holy to you, a day of complete rest to the Lord. Whoever does work on it shall be put to death.'
How many of you are required death? That's not the question... The question is how to be holy. Holy. When I come to shul here, I feel like holiness has been taken from me... The way you guys drone the davening. Holiness gone... You kileed my Rosh Hashana...
Moshe gathers the people and this is the first thing he says to them is to keep Shabbat... Telling you to rest is easy. You sleep all the time. The problem is you come up with ideas when you rest...
Why can't the board just rest. Do nothing. Is it that hard to understand to do nothing??? To not ruin the shul??? Just rest and do nothing while you're resting.
The Chazin should rest on Shabbat. Please… All of your work kills the shul
Are we proposing death to those who come up with dumb shul ideas?...
Moshe's talking about Milacha. Work done for the MIshkan. Doesn't mean to not walk to shul.

The board is lazy and does stuff… They should have nothing to do with Shabbis or the shul. They should do other stuff. Stuff during the other six days... Stuff that doesn't have to do with the shul. You're a board. Start up a grocery. Anything outside of the shul.
If you treated the week holy. Maybe showed to Minyin. I would understand your laziness, Mark... It's not holy to not help… In the board’s case it is.
'Holy to you.' It shall be holy to you. You've got to make it holy... By not being around Bernie and the board...
 
Yom Kippur. The day of total rest. The day where we must be cleansed is coming.
Viduy, confession, is how we repent. Regret, confession, and saying you will never do it again. I understand it's hard for Bernie to not be himself anymore. But that is how he makes it holy... Total rest would be for us to not have to deal with Bernie. Atonement...
There's a time for everything. A time to sleep... That's not during the sermon. Michal.

Yom Kippur is a time to fast. A time of total rest. A true Shabbat. I will not be here. On Yom Kippur...  
A day to fast. To repent for your messed up help…
I understand they're kids. Fasting though… They should fast a bit.
Last year, Shmuli pulled out a brisket. It’s not fair to those who are fasting… The kids don’t need a catered Yom Kippur lunch at shul… We want them to enjoy the holiday. I understand. But maybe focus on them enjoying Sukkot and Simchat Torah, and cook a decent dish for once... Work before the holiday. 'Six days you shall work' Rachel. Mike and Rachel. Work before Sukkot to put together a decent dinner for the kids.
I know the Chazin kills it for us all… You can't sleep through that stuff...
 
We rest to repent. Think about where we went wrong. Atonement.
Repent for your bad shofar blowing. It's pathetic Benjamin. It’s embarrassing...
Every preShabbis you scream at your kids… Then shower Thursday night. We know the hot water runs out on Friday. But you don't need to scream at all the kids... I've had your neighborhood showing up to my office, asking if 'shower' is a Hebrew word meaning 'I am going to spank you'... They didn't know if they should report your preShabbis showers to the authorities... Child services should come to shul and run youth groups. 
 
(Devarim 35:5-6) 'Take from yourselves an offering for the Lord. Every generous hearted person shall bring it... gold, silver, and copper, and blue, purple, and crimson wool. And linen and goat hair. And ram skins dyed red, tachash skins, and acacia wood. And oil for lighting, and spices... and shoham stones and stones for the ephod and for the choshen...'
Nowhere does it say a community quilt... We will be putting in the Yizkur appeal. Offer money. Nobody wants your leftover books... Anything in a cardboard box should not be donated. I you sealed it when you were moving. Don't donate it to the shul... If it's an old cracked shofar... Why did you give it to the shul?... You don't have room in your home for a shofar?! If you don't have room in your home, the shul doesn't want it...
It's not generous to have a garage sale and then to drop off what you couldn't sell.
Repent for that donation, Bruce. For that donation, not being holy and not keeping Shabbis...
I can't explain the Ephod  and Choshen now... It would say 'you are wrong'...
No. Don’t donate a quilt… There is a list. A list of what to donate. 
Don’t come up with your own ideas. It kills the shul… This is a message for the board.
 
And stop volunteering. Do useful stuff... You're wise. But not wise-hearted. You're booksmart. That doesn't help with building the shul's Sukkah...
(Devarim 35:10) ‘All wise-hearted among you shall come and do as H’ commanded.’ Talented people… He can play the violin. He’s not making violins. Is he? We love Menashe. We just don't want him volunteering... There is a reason the Torah doesn't say to volunteer the other six days... Because it's a job that nobody wanted to hire you for. There's a reason. There's a reason the board is messed up. All volunteers... Repent for volunteering...
Know your talents. Volunteering is not one of them.

That is what you have to do this Yom Kippur. See your talent and focus on that. Stitching is not your thing. And you have no idea how to work with acacia wood… The president’s talent is not leading our congregation.
Show up and rest. Just rest correctly. If this congregation learned how to rest right, we wouldn't have to deal with messed up stitching and quilts… The Torah says the wise-hearted. This Torah cover is not wise. Get rid of all non-wise-hearted... It's better off than having a board.
 
Shabbat Shuva is now here. Repent.
Repent and don’t do anything. That’s it. Don’t do anything. That is your Mitzvah. Do nothing… Just learn to rest… Don’t do stuff. You ruin it. Everything you do is a sin… It kills the community. 
Confess for trying to help.
 
Scary Simanim are not a way to help. The Rosh Hashana fruit and vegetable signs for killing enemies scares the kids. You scared the kids at the Rosh Hashana Seder, Shlomo. Telling the kids to that our enemies should die like a lemon... They don't know that a lemon is a messed up car... They're afraid to eat cantaloupe now... Pinchas ran, screaming, 'He's got a cantaloupe bomb'… A stroller parking area would be smart… Don't help... It's not work to help. That's volunteering. If you're not wise-hearted volunteering is a sin.
 
As the Chazin. Don’t make Yom Kippur more painful than Rosh Hashana… It's a day of rest... I can't repent when I'm thinking about killing you...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That strong message of 'don't be you and repent already, for crying out loud' didn't touch the congregants. They figured they won't feel bad anymore. After feeling bad every year and still sinning, they realized they're going to mess up again.
The law of confession hasn't worked for the people of our shul yet. They said that their resolutions to not do are never followed. Sidney said that he has said he'll never eat chocolate again. Every year. And he eats it every year. He now said that he'll never do proper confession again, as he believes 'it's wrong to have a commandment to lie.'
 
The whole sul did repent for volunteering. And they agreed that none of them have a decent talent for stitching. It was discussed, and the board agreed that nobody is talented.

Doing stuff ruins the shul. That’s the message of the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It's also the rabbi's message for Yom Kippur. Do nothing please. That is how you do Teshuva. You repent by not doing stuff.
If the congregation would do nothing, we would be better off. Other congregations, with talented people should be encouraged to help. But our members just ruin everything. Even the new paint job on the youth center is messed up.
I think the rabbi wants the board to do stuff. Just not with the shul. Outside of the shul. It's just a beautiful message that our congregants need to hear. 'Stop volunteering. The shul would be better off.'
If they did something helpful during the week, OK. But on Shabbat. They just kill everything.
 
And the artwork. We have a lot of very untalented people doing that stuff. They don’t buy it. They paint it. They think they are the wise-hearted called upon to bring fingerpaint to the shul.
And the walls are messed up. The new youth lounge walls. And it's not the kids painting. It's parents who think they are helping. The rabbi had to write a letter to the congregation defining what is helpful. And none of it had anything to do with anybody from the shul participating.
Though he did say that money is helpful.

Don’t be you. That’s how you repent. That was the message. Don’t be you and don’t help. Please. I hope the parents of the youth get this message.
 
The Chazin kills the shul experience for the High Holidays. He'll never repent for focusing on the words and bringing out the meaning with song. So painful.
 
The shul created a stroller parking lot. That was the only good idea. Donating that sign was useful. And I think it was made from acacia wood.
 
In Youth groups, kids expressed how fearful they were of eating fruit, after the Simanim. The signs are scary. After the congregants didn't show up for the second day Shacharit, due to fear of sleeping after eating gourds and saying that enemies should die by a witch who has a nose like a gourd, it was decided that our community isn't ready to curse our enemies with vegetation.
Rosh Hashana dunking of the apple in honey is now the only shul Siman tradition again. The scary Simanim have scared the kids too much. Getting them back to Kiddish and eating carrots dunked in Chumus will take time.

The High Holiday seats this year are messed up. They moved everybody around. It's like musical chairs for this board. Nobody was in their Makom Kavuah, set seat. There's a reason it's called a set seat. I think they feel that it will lead to better decorum, to have people sitting in 'not their seat that they paid for.' One of the board members is a teacher, and they said that it's better for classroom management to mix up the seats sometimes. She said nothing about the High Holidays and shul, and people getting angry and starting fights. I don't think she teaches eighty year olds who've been sitting in the same seat since their Bar Mitzvah.
When the congregants show up on Yom Kippur, when three quarters of the membership pops in for their yearly visit to make sure their parents are in the Yahrzeit book, they will not be happy. They won't just be asking what page we're on. They're going to be asking where their seat is, and how their family's seats got lost.
What a dumb board. Who loses family seats. I think they have to bring back the lifetime memberships. How they got rid of the first ones is an anomaly. To get the members to pay for another lifetime membership, will be a tough sale.
 
Some people are happy they have no seat. They hate their lifetime seats anyways. They’re happy the lifetime memberships are now gone.
 
The High Holiday between paragraph moan was by accident. Bernie was sitting and it just came out. It was a perfect drone. And then he fell back asleep.
 
Shofar blowing was off. An eight second Tekiah Gedola. A letdown. I will be surprised if anybody comes to shul next year.
Chazin was new. Did tunes nobody knew. Mark protested and started singing the correct tune for Areset Sifataynu after the shofar blowing. The community spoke up. The Chazin tried doing his tune. One woman said, 'Keep quiet. This is our tune. We don't need you.' The Chazin was silent the rest of the time. You couldn't hear a thing. It was the only time the rabbi smiled all Rosh Hashana. He’s not going to mess up the vChol Ma’aminim prayer again
There was no Kiddish on Rosh Hashana and nobody came the second day.
 
Rabbi’s Sermons for Rosh Hashana:
Talked about how Avraham did the journey and fulfilled his part of doing his Mitzvah of the binding of Yitzchak. And how nobody in our shul even walks half a mile to shul. He then said that H’ can stop stuff, like congregants being annoying. But even so, we have to do our part. It's the journey of the Mitzvah and having to deal with Bernie. And even though he's been dealt a messed up shul and board, he does what he can. So he still get the Mitzvah, even if they can't paint.
He then said that people with disabilities get the reward for the Mitzvahs they can do. And pointed out that nobody in the congregation at that moment had a disability and they are just lazy and unhelpful. 
There was a Frum Jew there for the one of the sermons. The rabbi used the word Hishtadlus, so the other guy wouldn't think we're Apikorsim (heretics). The rabbi tried throwing in Yiddish, but all he knows is Zei Gezunt. He said Zei Gezunt thirty times. And the other guy the Frum Jew thought our rabbi is an Apikores. Truth is he used it well when the guy sneezed. I think that's the right time to say Zei Gezunt.
The rabbi is onto something. I've noticed that the smart people in the shul always throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish word. When you use Hebrew or Yiddish, it’s a proof. Once they use that word, they win the Halachaik argument about Jewish law. Even if it’s not Torah, just throwing in a word like 'it's a Bayit SheNofel' wins you the argument. I know that was more than a word, but I needed it to make the point. They said 'a house that falls' in Hebrew, and the argument was over. They won. They were discussing how long the Shofar blow was. Nothing to do with houses. but it was Hebrew, and with the Brooklyn Yeshiva accent, it sounded Yiddish.
He started this new way of preaching where there is a call for action. He treats the congregation now like a social media post. He also used props the next day. Thank Gd that stopped after a while. He was bringing huge props. One speech he brought in a twelve gallon pot of Matzah balls, to show how important it is to feed people. His back went out, and he stopped with the props.

Thanks to the board's new focus on youth there's nothing for old people. All they talk about are the kids. Old people are not wanted in the shul's new programs, and I think the board is going to cost the shul a lot of money lost off death. If you can't tell people that one of their family members died, you can't pull in donations.
I believe they’re trying to find members that don’t lick their fingers before turning pages. The pages of the Siddurs have been hard to move recently. It's quite disgusting. And I see them licking their fingers to turn the pages.

And the Haftorah on the first day was messed up. Charles didn't prepare. He messed up so many words, but people were cheering for him at the end. He came out of the Haftorah like a champ. After the Pesukim about Chana, when he went into the Brachas, he had gustto. 
No self-awareness. Just went out like a star.
 
And nobody understood the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. The whole idea about resting on Shabbat being not resting, went over everybody's head. And the board still messed up the shul. But they were all mad at the Chazin.

Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
​
Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
​
Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

The Rambam teaches that to do Teshuva (repentance) correctly, you must confess (Viduy) and say 'I will never do it again.' We learn from here that the most important part of repentance is to lie.

Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 1:1 To do proper Teshuva, you must do Viduy which consists of ‘Please H’, I have sinned by accident, I have sinned purposefully, I have sinned in defiance, before You. And I did such and such. And I regret and am embarrassed by my deeds. And I will never return to this again.’
Hence lying is the essence of Teshuva. You have to lie to God with sincerity. ‘H’. I feel so bad for having a good time. I will never do it again… Or at least until after Sukkot, when You stop judging us.’

This guy seems to have done every sin imaginable. The real question is, what is 'such and such'?
'Such and such' is a long list. It usually starts with eating chocolate. Chocolate seems to be the biggest sin people are worried about. That's why you hear about vows of not eating chocolate again when it comes to New Years. 
Other such and suches are 'I had the best burger of my life at Wendy's.' 'I watched too many series and didn't learn enough Torah.' 'People needed me and I enjoyed myself instead.'
I've got to be honest. If somebody every tells me they did such and such, our relationship is over. Nobody does such and such to me and gets away with it. It's rude.

Have you ever heard anybody regret something and not do it again? No. People always eat chocolate again. 
The statement my congregants should make is, ‘It will never happen again till Sukkot, when I forget about it.’ Or 'I would've never said that if I wasn't worried that I would be written in the book of death.' Or 'It's my rabbi's fault. I blame him for everything.'

I pray for all that you will be able to celebrate full repentance, and stick to your lies, so you don't end up in Gehenim. And those lies should have you written in the book of life, enjoying chocolate.

The Skeptical Litvak – They All Are
The rebbe didn't show up for Selichot prayers during the Ten Days of Repentance. The people of Nemirov asked, ‘Where is the Rebbe?’ And all the disciples now had to repent for speaking Lashon Hara. Speaking gossip is a sin. You shouldn’t ask such questions. It leads to gossip. But they did, as it was about the rebbe, and everybody talks about rabbis. People love to talk about rabbis. You see the rabbi at the restaurant and everybody’s talking about how he didn’t have enough intent with his blessing, and too little stuffed derma. 
Discussion continued and the Chasidim knew there is only one place their rebbe could be. In heaven.
A Litvak came to the town during this time of Selichot, early in the morning, and he noticed the rebbe's absence. The pupils of the Rebbe of Nemirov said, ‘Where is our Rebbe? He is in heaven.’ And the Litvak laughed. It was more of a guffaw. We all know Litvaks are very sarcastic. They’re straight and they have no creativity with their practice of Mitzvot. When was the last time a Litvak celebrated Shabbat by starting a bonfire, playing an electric guitar, throwing together some fireworks, and tanning a hide? No creativity.
 
Upon hearing that their rebbe was in heaven, the Litvak knew the rebbe was up to something. To quote the Litvak, ‘I have seen many people try to get out of Minyin. People love to skip Selichot. I’ve heard people were sick, with a cough. I’ve heard people had to go to work. They didn’t even have a job. I’ve even heard people say they had to watch their kids, when we had babysitting at the shul. But using heaven as an excuse to get out of services?!’
The Litvak laughed and reprimanded, ‘You fools. Your rebbe is not in heaven. Even Moshe, our great leader, didn't go up to heaven. It’s impossible.’ And the Litvak said, ‘I will find out.’ And he did.

Sleeping Under Somebody’s Bed is Not Comfortable – Even if They Are a Rebbe
That evening, the Litvak snuck into the rebbe's house and slept under his bed. The Litvak was scared. Of course, he was scared. It was even creepy back then to sleep under somebody's bed. But the Litvak did it.
I don’t suggest sleeping under anybody’s bed. There is no precedent to sleep under somebody’s bed, unless if you are their student. Then it makes sense. You learn their snoring patterns, and you can be a better disciple.
He wanted to see what the rebbe was up to. He had to get to the bottom of this skipping prayers racket the rebbe was running. And the Litvak was going to figure it out, by trespassing and hiding under the rebbe’s bed, and taking some of the rice cakes he found in the kitchen. It wasn’t easy. He couldn’t breathe normally or the rebbe would figure him out. He also couldn’t breathe normally, because of the dust under the rebbe’s bed. The rebbe wasn’t known for sweeping. They didn’t have Swiffers back then.
It was a hard night and the Litvak didn’t get much sleep. The rebbe even took a fly swatter and smacked him with it a few times, thinking his room was infested with loud bedbugs.
 
What Rebbes Do When They Skip Prayers and Selichot
The next morning, when all had left the house, the rebbe got up. ‘Ah Ha. The rebbe wakes up late. Everybody else was out of the house at 5:30am and the rebbe is only moving at 5:35am. A sloth,’ thought the Litvak, ‘I got him.’ Then, the rebbe put on peasant clothes, and took an ax and rope with him. The rebbe went to the forest and cut down a tree, then cut it into pieces and tied it in the rope. He was the only in shape rabbi I’ve ever heard of. I’ve never heard of a rabbi who does anything but go to the shvitz. Rabbis sit and sweat. They don’t exercise. Not the Rebbe of Nemirov. He exercises. Two hundred pushups every morning. The Litvak was lucky he skipped them that day.
Legend has it that no other rabbi could take the Rabbi of Nemirov in an arm wrestle. But that's a different story of inspiration. He competed in strong man competitions and lumberjack carries under the name Vlad.
The rebbe started dragging the wood. The Litvak was still there, following the rebbe. He was very good at stalking. He had done it before. If I recall correctly, there was another time the Litvak slept under a rabbi’s bed because he was interested in finding out what he wears under his Bekishe. What’s under the rebbe’s coat has always been an anomaly,
The Litvak was disturbed. Why did the rebbe need to start a wood business? Why are his disciples not paying him enough? Why do the rebbe’s students not sleep under his bed? Are they just not good pupils? Why is the rebbe killing the forest? There were many questions.
 
The rebbe dragged the wood to a poor women's house who was sick, and he knocked on the door. You don’t just enter a house, unannounced. She probably would’ve shot the rebbe.
This story is based on the Chasid's account. That student of the rebbe was following the Litvak. I can’t tell you what kind of house it was. You have to ask the Litvak. I believe it was wood. Might have been brick. Not a sturdy foundation. A very nice kitchen. Granite countertops. Granite was big in the 1800s.
The poor woman asked, ‘Who’s at my door.’ The Rebbe said, ‘Vassil.’ Vassil is not a Jewish name. Nobody names their kid Vassil. It hurts their chances at a good Shidduch.
She told the rebbe he can come in. The rebbe’s sale, posing as Vassil, was, ‘You don’t have money? You can repay me later. You believe in Gd, but you don’t believe that He will give you six kopeks?’
The rebbe wasn’t a very good businessman. He could’ve got more than six kopeks out of her. He could’ve told her that she didn’t have to pay him a thousand kopeks. But he didn’t. He missed the moment to make a bit. The Litvak however, learned a valuable lesson. The Litvak became very rich later in life, when he sold a house for eight million kopeks, by telling the guy that if he believes in Gd he should buy it. The guy purchasing the house only had a million kopeks. With newfound belief in Gd, due to the Litvak’s sales technique, the guy borrowed the rest from the bank. The guy lost the house when he couldn’t make the first payment. Thank Gd, the Litvak got top dollar on the deal,
 
What Happens in A Poor Women's House
The rebbe entered the poor women’s house. As the rebbe put the wood in the oven, he recited the first portion of Selichot in a groan. That’s the tradition. I know they do that at my shul. It’s early in the morning and you’re supposed to express how tired you are when repenting. If you show Gd how hard it is, and complain, He’s more merciful.
When the wood began to burn and it became bright, he recited the second portion of Selichot with more joy. When the fire was lit and ready, he recited the third portion and shut the oven.
Why the rebbe shut the stove, we don’t know. We hope the stove still made the room warm, even though he shut it.
The Litvak was amazed that the rebbe knew the Selichot by heart. The rebbe had been skipping the prayers all this time.

The Litvak became a Chasid of the Rabbi of Nemirov. And every year, when they spoke of the rebbe ascending to heaven during the Days of Awe, the Litvak wouldn’t laugh anymore. The Litvak would say, 'If not higher.'

Lessons of What Followed
The Litvak learned the lesson from the rebbe and stopped going to shul.
He started working as a laborer and never helped with Minyin again. The community wanted him to help with the quorum, but he said he can get closer to Gd by not showing up.
Years later, the Chasidim of the rebbe learned of his great Mitzvah. Once the story got out, they couldn't get a Minyin in Nemirov for Selichot anymore.
Many don’t know the truth behind the story. It was the rebbe’s morning workout. He had to get it out of the way, and he knew the Litvak was following him. He couldn’t just chop down a tree and leave it. The Litvak would know the rebbe was just trying to get jacked.
Why the rebbe didn't use his strongman name, 'Vlad,' we will never know.
The rebbe groaned when putting in the wood, for he killed his back carrying the bundles all the way to the sick woman’s house. The Litvak couldn't get a hint. The least the Litvak could’ve done is offer to help. If you’re stalking somebody already, you might as well help.
The rebbe was singing the Selichot more joyously once the oven was lit, as he wasn’t freezing anymore. The house was very cold. Being the proper guest the rebbe is, when he’s in the character of Vassil, he didn’t want to complain to the woman.
The poor woman tried finding Vassil to pay him the six kopeks. She wanted to pay him back so badly. Trying to pay back Vassil, she got caught in the cold and came down with pneumonia. If she would’ve known it was the rebbe, she would’ve been a healthier woman. She would’ve went to his house and even given a donation to the Yeshiva.
The Litvak couldn’t mock the rebbe anymore and he lost his sense of humor.
 
***For the story, also see I.L. Peretz’s Selected Stories

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life.  But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it. 
As a woman, I will give you some advice.

Yizkur
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
 
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.

Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost  loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.

You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.

Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out. 
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.

Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.

Simchat Torah
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.

After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. 

In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues.
Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out.
 
It’s Too Early
They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness.
Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven.
Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel.
 
I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long
The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him.
I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute.
The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. 
Devout starts at 7:30am.
 
I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep      
Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep.
I’m not to blame. I’m tired.
Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up.
 
I Have No Idea What the Words Mean
My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. 
I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me.
I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do.
Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it.
 
I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew
I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know.
I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions.
 
I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty
I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7.
I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am.
 
I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad
I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune.
 
I am a Slow Reader 
I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind.
They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything.
Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly.

I Didn’t Do all The Sins
I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody.
I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. 
After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day.

I'm Trying
Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation.
If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too.
I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. 
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The Shofar Gets Me Mad
This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent.
Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan.

I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am.