​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.

We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul.

Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works...
I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head.

Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people.
The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. 
After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim.
To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’  This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah.
Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah.

It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast.
Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah.
It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day.

They were funny pioneers. They kept Kibbutzing. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kibbitzing means joking and banter. Kibbutzing is when people on the Kibbutz, the pioneers, do it. I came up with that. Thank you.

They were interested in bacon, because they were Apikurious. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An Apikores is a heretic. Epicurious is being interested in food and new dishes. If Torah interested them, they’d be Torahcurious. They wouldn't be curious in eating nonKosher food. Apikurious people also want to eat the food. The definition of Apikurious is not out there yet, so I have taken the liberty to define it. I would be curious to hear a differing opinion.

The men declared that the Piyutim, liturgical poems, were for them. "Which is why they are called Hymns." (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Hims. Hymns. They sound the same. We call the hymns for Selichot, Piyutim. The women wanted to read Hyrs. But those don't exist. The men in that community should share the Hymns with the women, as they're for everybody. To give historical context. For the sake of peace and nonjudgmental living, homophones are for straight people too.

This New Year has been going real well Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Thought I would share that. So far. Here it’s Shofar. It’s Rosh Hashana, and the guy had a lisp. And I’m also feeling good Shofar.

I played poker against Satan's lawyer. I was playing devil's advocate. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Satan is the devil. His lawyer advocates for him. You shouldn’t play poker with the devil's lawyer before Yom Kippur... It gets confusing. Is Mordechai the devil's advocate, or is the lawyer the advocate? Or are they both?

I got a crazy citron this year. The guy selling it said it was an Etrogue. 
(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The citron is the Etrog we wave with the Lulav. It went rogue. It was on another table, doing its own thing. Hence, Etrogue. It went rogue. EtRogue.

If Adam was president Chava would be the First Lady a second time. (Mordechai)
You get it? First Lady. She was the first created lady. It’s a pun. A two word pun. That counts. We’re talking about Adam HaRishon. Greatest last name ever. Not Adam Cohen.
Please note, we know this is not a real situation. This couldn’t happen. Chava and Adam HaRishon passed away a while ago. Adam only lived for around nine hundred years.

Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. 
 
They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing.
 
We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur.
We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus.

(Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in...
You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears...
Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears...

At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week...
(Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room...
Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me...

We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it.
You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!!
These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it.
Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing.
LISTEN!!!

Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous.  
Just ask for forgiveness.
How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard...
Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... 

Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich.
At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that.
Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. 

We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... 
You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter...
It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing.
He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out...
It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people...
No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security...
You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in.
The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening...

Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning...

The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah...
It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah...
You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security…
Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. 
We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka.
Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth...

Rivka's Rundown
The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands.

The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old.
Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear.

The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. 

Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything.
If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house.
I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. 
The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here.
The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up.
So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing.

Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those.
I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count.

They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up.
I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul.
I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me.
I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." 
And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. 
I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul.

There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there.
By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep.

Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah.
The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit.
And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

The High Holidays are here and it's your time to shine as the Chazin. Known as the cantor, we are going to call you the Chazin. If you don't know what a Chazin is, you don't know what a cantor is.
Before we get started, don't be discouraged. You don’t need a good voice to be a Chazin. That has been proven by who my shul chooses to lead services every week. Nonetheless, a good voice can put you in the one-percenters of Chazins that people like.
No matter your abilities, you want to lead Yom Kippur services and look good. Here are some techniques you must employ.

The One Note Technique
Get all the words into one note. When they wrote the Tefillahs, they didn't have tunes. Hence, it is your job to pick a tune that was not meant for the repetition of the Amidah.
The Levites weren't singing the melodies from the early two-thousands in the Temple. The rabbis didn't have the tune of vZakayni in mind when they wrote Naartizcha 1500 years ago.
You've got to get every word of Kedusha into that note. Though incompatible, it must fit in that semibreve. Not easy, but a seasoned Chazin can do it.
It takes much practice to master this. It's preferable to first work on a twenty second Shofar blast. Once you have that down, you might be able to do Kedusha correctly with the note from vZakayni.

The Long Note Hold
Hold a note for real long. Don't stop. Do not end the word. Keep it going. If you pass out, the congregation will be on their feet, applauding.
This technique should be used at the end of every prayer. Hence, adding to the length of the service itself. That will get you the money. Nobody is paying ten thousand dollars to a Chazin who's finishing the services in three hours. 

The Tune that Doesn't Fit
I reiterate. Very important to never give up on a tune. Especially when the tune doesn't work with the words. 
You pick your tune and commit to it. If you truly want it, vChol Maaminim will work.

The Throat Clear
You clear the throat, they know it's real.
Chuch that. Get out a decent sized phlegm wad. A Chazin has to let the congregants know he's about to start. A huge bit of mucus will have them ready for Kol Nidrei. When they hear that Chuch with the wad, they'll know a real Chazin is about to start.

The Tune Everybody Knows
They will all get into it. Know this in advance. Before making the decision to sing a song they know, understand that you will have to listen to them. They all think they're the Chazin when they know the tune. They will pay six-hundred for the seat, just to drown you out.
They all think they have a good voice. When you're singing in a group, all the badness unifies into one. And thus we have what is known as congregations.
If you're up for a lot of off tune harmonizing, this is the time to pull the song everybody knows.
Second Warning: Only do this if you can handle it. I've seen Chazins give up right in the middle of the Torah ceremony. They started singing, the Cantor turned around and said, "I can't handle this. I have no idea what you are all doing on the left side of the shul. I thought we were supposed to be singing 'Etz Chayim Hi.' I'm out of here. I'm going somewhere where the congregants don't know the songs."

Davening Extension
Extend everything. The longer Davening goes, the holier the prayers are. Everybody knows this. And you get more pay.
The extended Amidah is quite important as well. Do not let the rabbi beat you. Wait till the rabbi finishes, then take your three steps back. The Shema prayer. Go longer. And if the rabbi jump dances, you jump higher.
NayNayNays work great for this. You can extend any prayer with a NayNayNay. You can get an extra couple hours out of Musaf with the employment of the NayNayNay Method.
Note: The congregants will complain about the longer Davening. That is OK. This is what they're bringing you in for. They want something to complain about. 

The Kvetch
Cry as much as you can in your Davening. The people connect to that. They also have to be in shul for fifteen hours on Yom Kippur.
Cry when talking to people. They tell you how their kids are doing, cry and sing "Sunrise Sunset." Your job is to cry. You cry, you have job stability. You're the High Holidays Chazin.
They pay you to cry for them. The congregants feel like they have a place in Olam Haba, the world to come, if their Chazin is crying.

Wear a Huge Gown
They like that. Huge gown and huge top hat. That's how you become famous. As Sadie Sarah Leah said last year, "I'm sure he had a good voice. His clothes were fifteen size too big on him."

The Eye Close
That looks like you're connecting to Gd.
You close your eyes, it's spiritual, especially when you don't do anything. Just space out for a few minutes, and the congregants will understand that their Chazin is connecting to Gd. It also adds to the prayer length. Remember, anything that adds prayer length is good.
Nobody asks questions of whether or not a Chazin is holy when he's sleeping on the job.

Dramatic Pause Technique
Quiet people. Anytime you make people feel like they did something wrong, you have power over them. And Chazin needs power.
You quiet people with silence. Your stop will make everybody uncomfortable, having them question if they truly were the reason for the Al Chets, the "about these sins" prayer. This technique just looks good.
I would suggest a shush every once in a while. You want there to be a shush. Note, it's best if somebody else shushes for you. True leaders have other people doing their shushes.

The Kermit the Frog
You want to sound like the Kermit the Frog if he resonated real well.

You don't need a good voice to be the Chazin. You need techniques. So, practice the above. Get down your Kvetching, songs that don't fit the words, and a huge top hat that doesn't fit, and you will have gigs. 
It's all in the singing. This isn't a dance performance. You don't need to do the arm stretch. You're the Chazin. That takes enough energy. You don't need an arm workout. You're not ensuring the sea remains split. Don't overlook the singing. No matter how bad your voice, you sing it. If you have enough confidence in your inabilities, somebody will love it.
And remember. Don't let the rabbi outdo you. If that means giving a sermon in the middle of your repetition of the silent prayer, then do it. 
That should get you a gig.

Let's finish the "English Alephs."

As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?"

Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame."

Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better.

Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden.

Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife."

Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service."

Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like."

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick

They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul.

He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds.
 
They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening.
 
I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing.

I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai)
You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar.

I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken.
 
The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai)
You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that.

You've paid shul dues. Now, they want more for the High Holidays. What do you do? You bring your own chair.
Last time we discussed saving money by sitting in the plastic chair section. Since then, Keter prices have gone up. Now the plastic section is taking money. Rip off. If you have plastic chairs at home, there's no reason to pay for the ones at shul. This is why we're going to talk about chair concepts that you can bring to shul.

Bring a Chair from Home
Carry it. Any chair is worth it. No matter what the chair or damage caused by you dragging it to shul, you will be saving money.
Dining room chairs are suggested. This way you can sit in shul in class. The other congregants will be looking at you creating your own seating area in the aisle, saying, 'That guy is doing well for himself. Business must be picking up.'

Bring a Lawn Chair
This is a decent way to save money.
​Again. Use the aisles. Aisles are never taken with seats. Perfect place to pop the chair open. If you're already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people know to expect very little from you. Why not enjoy the Days of Awe taking in sun from the stained-glass windows.
You can also bring those pop-up chairs in the tube bag. Making it easier to carry the chair to shul. What to do with the bag after you pull the chair out. Ask one of the guys who paid for a seat if you can place the bag in his Siddur holder. Worst case scenario, someone will mistake it for a Tallis bag.

Big Cushions
I would suggest the sports chair cushion, but putting that on top of a pew does not make it your seat. Don't try it. They may send you a bill after Yom Kippur. The same rules of baseball apply to shul. You need to purchase the seat, then you can put down the comfort cushion.
If it was Tisha BAv, I would suggest to bring the cushion, making the ground more comfortable, as one should enjoy the mourning experience. Sitting on the floor during the High Holidays looks like you're protesting Gd.
Huge cushions do work. You can throw those down anywhere on a floor. A decent poof gives you comfort and height. And you can still take it home with you.

Make Your Chair Mobile
Don't overlook the fold up chair. You may have to move your chair for people to get by. Other members who pay for the High Holidays can be Nudniks when they're trying to get to their seats. No Midos. You would think that on Rosh Hashana they would work on their character traits and walk around you.
Remember. You can always use the aisles. Just be ready to move your chair when they're walking around with the Torah.
If you've got a walker, those things double as chairs. They ask, 'Ethel, why didn't you purchase a chair this year?' You let them know you've got one.

Inflatable Chairs
Intex inflatable couches are a great option, and they're light. Only thirty-five dollars, you'll be able to skip that prayer for a New Year of good Parnasa. You'll already be banking your financial well-being. 
You will want to show up early, to ensure you blow up your chair before the holiday. The noise the pump machine makes will disturb the Kol Nidrei prayer.

Bring a Couch
Services are long. Don’t overlook the importance of comfort. You might be poor. Even so, after comparing to the cost they're charging for the holiday seats you'll feel good about how much you spent on the couch for Rosh Hashana.
Couches are heavy. If you carry that, people will probably stay away from you and not bother you about payment. They might even give you Hagba. The lifting of the Torah honor enforces respect.
A pullout bed is a great perk. The rabbi will be giving a sermon.

They Will Try to Get You
Even if you bring your own seat, they will find a way to bill you.
Bring a Machzor as well. You don't want to get charged for using the High Holiday prayer book. You never know how the shul board is going to react to use of shul property. I once showed to shul without a Machzor. I did the whole of Yom Kippur Davening by heart. Saved $360.
Don't let them get you with Yizkor. They'll toy with your emotions and the next thing you know, you've flipped a tab for $1,800. It's important to remember family members who've went to Olam Haba on a budget.

And don't shy away from bringing your own plastic chair. I understand the shul offers the plastic chair section. However, why pay for that when you have a stack at home.
If your shul offered the option where you paid for the High Holiday chair and you were able to take it home with you, I'd call that a win-win. I would say splurge on that. A pew in the living room is a great way to ensure guests don't stay too long.

Remember. If you bring a chair from home nobody will say anything. They will be too uncomfortable to say something.

Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now.
 
We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable.
The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood.
And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!!

'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day...
Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’
It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now...
If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are...

You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach...
(Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...'
I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish...
You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!!
I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin...
'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim...

If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.'
Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching...

You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot...  Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am.
Mitzvot need heart and soul...

You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away...
People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days????
We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot...
Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin.
Maybe we should be focused on praying about life...

And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family...
We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation.

Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease.

And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake.
Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah.
We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening...

We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov.

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. 
One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis.

I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts.
​
The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row.
The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha.

The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.'
I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today.

Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’.

People are truly worried about the three day holidays.
One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’
Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since.

In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids.
Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them.

Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent.
This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen.

Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her.

Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.

Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court.  

The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening.

Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi.

Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough...
Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...'

(Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you...
Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight.

If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note.
If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me.
You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street...

If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups...
No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass.
Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions.
Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak...

They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from.
He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody...

But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’
They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear.
I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket...

The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... 
Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis...

Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook...
You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli.

You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli...
I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying....
Yes. You talk loud too...

Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud.

Rivka's Rundown
Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon.

They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting.
Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit.

The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel.

The board always wants to renovate. ​They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul.
Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles.

Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. 

They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish.
The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.'
Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul.

They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.'
I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk.
I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history.

One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head.

The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it.

The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews.
The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews.

Last year we talked about purchasing seats. This year we’re going to focus on saving money.
Don't buy prime cushion seating from the shul office this year. You're praying to Gd for a year of financial success. You don't want to start with a two-hundred-dollar seat debt. Two hundred dollars and you don't even get to take the chair home. It's a rip off. Best way to save money is to sit in the plastic section.
 
Sit in the Plastic Chair Section
The plastic section is for crowd overflow. Many of the people showing up to this section didn't think about purchasing Yom Kippur seats, making this the fiscally responsible way to spend the High Holidays. This section is full of people the congregation can't depend on to help or volunteer, again making this the right section for you. 
No shame in the plastic chair section. Keter chairs are quite comfortable.
If you're sitting here, you probably didn’t pay dues. And you're probably not going to close on a decent commercial real estate property this Yom Kippur. That is fine.
The savvy plastic sitter will act surprised when they walk into shul. Sitting in this section, you'll want to let people know that you had no idea that people purchase seats for the High Holidays.

Advantages To the Plastic Section
If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. That means giving other people less room, and you being happy. Hence, making for a more meaningful Yom Kippur.
Being that you have seat moving ability, you might want to bring an ottoman for greater relaxation. The Kohens in the Temple must've had ottomans for the Musaf service. It's long.
And the plastic chair is mobile. Let’s say you want to take a break. You're sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair. Yizkur comes and you're in the hallway looking classy with your portable sitting arrangement, while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than twelve hours, take your seat out back for some decent relaxation and a sunbathe.

Don't Be Afraid to Move Your Chair
Never feel left out. If you want to be part of the action, place your plastic chair in the aisle. There's always room in the aisle.
Somebody at my shul thought ahead and brought a lawn chair. He placed it right in the middle aisle. Lots of room there not being used. They had to walk around him with the Torah, but that was fine. He saved tons on that High Holiday seat, and he was able to return it to Walmart after Yom Kippur. I sat next to him. It's kind of like moving up to the dugout section at a baseball game, if the stadium didn't provide seats and you had to carry a plastic chair to the expensive section. Great way to get better value for your dollar on Yom Kippur.

​No Names on Chairs
Write your name on the chair. It's about class. Even though you may even be bringing the chair from your house, which the financially savvy do, you should still have it assigned to you. It's part of High Holiday tradition. 
Sharpies work great. Don't use magic markers. Sharpies are much better, and they also bring a bit more acclaim to your plastic chair. 

Know Your Hebrew Name
That should be what is on your chair. You don't want your chair reading, "Max the Son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat."
 
Stick Up for Yourself
The plastic chair section can be a bit rough if you're not assertive. 
The guy in front of me last year set up his chair for his own needs. He showed up on time. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he had. He coughed and pushed the chair back at the same time. He kept inching it back. By the end of the reading of Sefer Yona, he had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. I was stuck doing the Mincha prayer on the balls of my feet. He was taking three full steps back, pacing during the prayers, and somehow I still got whacked in the face by the tassels when he was swinging on his Tallit (prayer shawl).

Some shuls may offer portable cushioned chairs in the back section. Beware of these shuls. They may ask for a donation after the holidays. Better to sit on the floor than to fall for that bait and switch. I would also beware of doing any Mi SheBeyrach blessings for your family at these shuls. You think you're getting a deal; a free blessing for the family. Then, they spring the Tzedakah clause on you. Next thing you know, you're down eighteen dollars for caring about your family.

If there is anything we learned, the plastic chair section is perfect for the thrifty Yom Kippur goer.

Announcements
As a community, the post holiday dieting didn’t work. It is clear that the community has kept on it's Pesach pounds, or clothes have gotten a light tighter.
Not eating Matzah is not considered a diet. The rabbi wanted people to know that you can get heavy off of bread as well.
 
The community is working on a kosher restaurant. All fear that nobody will want to go, as members of our shul will go. We understand your fear of having to have a conversation about Rivka's kids when getting a corned beef sandwich. Don't worry, we will make sure it is a deli. This will chase away Jews who only eat at Texas style smokehouses nowadays.
The Beckers are scared to reopen the kosher restaurant, as Jews might come. We ask the Hirshmanns to notify the Beckers they will not eat there. We all know how annoying the Hirshmanns can be as customers, always asking for the vegan option.
 
Since Pesach, it's been taking too long for people to walk up for their Aliyahs. The rabbi has required mandatory Pilates classes. If you don't attend Pilates classes, you will not receive an honor at shul.
The rabbi has also made it clear that there will be no Kibudim for people who need to push themselves up from their seats with their armrests.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 6:29) '...in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall afflict your souls'... Yom Kippur Bernie. You afflict on Yom Kippur. You don't afflict me now... I know Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the year, but it's in the seventh month... Yes. And days start at night. This is logic. I feel like I am being afflicted by a bunch of heathens who think days start at dawn.
It doesn't say to afflict your rabbi...

What is affliction? Finally a decent question. Affliction is when a congregant comes to your office and starts telling you about their family.
Abstention from food and drink (Yoma 74b). That is the affliction we speak of on Yom Kippur. Seeing how you all ate on Pesach, I believe our community understands this...
You lose weight by fasting. After Rosh Hashana you don't eat. After all the brisket you take down... Stop eating. That's how you lose weight. It's in the Torah...
Working out happens after Yom Kuppur. I am sure the Kohens worked out to help the Kohen Gadol with the Yom Kuppur service... They did Pilates. You need a strong core to sacrifice.
You need a strong core for Aliyas as well... Shlomo. We waiting five minutes for you to get up to the Bima after you got back from the Pesach hotel. You afflicted the congregation with your out of shapedness. Just watching you get up from your chair was an affliction.
 
It’s spring. Summer is around the corner. This is the only community that is fine being out of shape… No. Swimsuits are Asur.
At least try. Try to get in shape. Maybe tuck in a shirt at least... It makes you look thinner.

(Vayikra 17:4) Sacrifices had to be done in the Temple. Outside of the Temple they get cut off... No. You are just skipping Minyin.

The Yom Kippur service is about tradition. Kosher restaurants are about tradition... No. There will be no salad bar... There is no brisket in salad, Michelle. If you can make a brisket salad, I will think about allowing a salad bar.
It will be a deli. Since when have Jews abandoned tradition and stopped eating in delis?!
Texas style smokehouses are not tradition… Even if it’s corned beef. Smokehouses are not Jewish.
It’s going to be called Beckers Deli because the Beckers own it… The Hirshmanns are very annoying. And Rivka, you scare people away. You’re lovely, but nobody goes to Marshall’s anymore. They fear they will have to have a conversation with you about your grandchild’s last Simcha... I am sorry they didn't have a vegan option Mr. Hirshmann. It was a smokehouse. What are they supposed to smoke? Lettuce?!
This is going to be a deli, and I for one believe in tradition. There will be no kosher deli with a vegan option in this town.

It's about not sinning. It's about not turning delis into smokehouses... Not everything is about a healthy diet, Bernie. Treat people well. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Don't bear a grudge... Love your neighbor as you (19:18)... It ends with 'I am H".' When you understand Gd's oneness, you understand the connection with your neighbor. And you encourage them to lose weight after Pesach. And you encourage them to keep our traditions and to eat in delis. You look at the Hershanns and you realize how much you've messed up.
Yes. And follow other Mitzvot, unlike Michelle who still can't get over the lack of salad bars.

If you mess up, you bring an offering... You bring it to the Beis Hamikdash. There is no Temple nowadays... The only part of the Torah you are keeping is the messing up... Well there is a lot of hatred here. I understand it's hard to love your neighbor when it is the Hershmanns.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I do talk about my kids a lot. I like to spread my Nachis. If it keeps them out of Marshall's I'm fine with that. I don't need competition at the clearance rack. And some of the members of our community take number tags into the dressing room in the late teen numbers. I've seen it. I once saw a twenty-two card go in with... I won't say the name. I'm not a talebearer.

Nobody liked the idea of a post Pesach fast. The congregation voted and they're happy to wait till the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BAv. The board discussed it, and they will plan to lose their fifteen pounds on those two days.
When the rabbi mentioned working out, the congregants didn't like that either. Pilates classes were not attended. Nor was Minyin. Though, people did show up for Kiddish after Pesach.
 
The deli is a place Jews can get heavy too. Once that came out that the Kosher deli will have traditional fat, everybody was into it.
I feel that our Jewish community is antisemitic. Expressing that you won’t open a kosher restaurant in fear that Jews will show sounds to be a bit of Jew hatred by Jews. Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment. It might just be that they don't like a lot of people, and they all happen to be Jews.
I understand the Hirshmanns are annoying and I talk about my kids, but that is what the deli is about. You sit at your table after you go to the other tables to say ‘Hi.’ At the smokehouse, nobody ever greeted anybody. You just came and enjoyed your food. No Jew wants that. That’s not what a deli is about. Matzah ball soup is about a discussion. It's served with a long long conversation.
The smokehouse closed with COVID. Since then, it's been hard to be a Jew in Topeka. I think that is why all the people that went away for Pesach ate so much. They realized they would have to cook at home when they got back. And that's almost as scary as cleaning.
 
To my amazement, even the vegans were fine with no kosher option at the deli. They said that they are against killing tradition and animals.

Why the rabbi had to tell people they can get heavy off bread?!

I am glad the rabbi banned swimsuits. If people wore swimsuits in our congregation, things would be different. We would lose a large portion of our membership.

How did they travel to Jerusalem to bring sacrifices? In a car-bon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Karbon is Hebrew for sacrifice. Sacrifices in the Temple. They traveled there. Carbon is a chemical, and not part of the pun. I can't explain the 'bon' part. A car bomb would be wrong. When delivering this pun, focus on the 'car' part. Draw attention to ‘car.’
 
What Bracha do you make on a boat? Shehakol nehiyeh bidva row-row-row. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Shehakol blessing is the blessing everybody makes on water. A boat is in water. The song 'Row Row Row Your Boat' is about a boat.
 
Why did the entertainer take prisoners? He wanted a captive audience. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The captive audience joke works every year. So many iterations. It's amazing. Create your own pun about people taken captive. They have to laugh at it. Amazing joke when people are locked up. Great way to start any bit. And all puns are best when done in question form.
 
Why did they visit their friends? They were told to do Bikurim. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bikurim is the first fruits. Also means to 'visit with,' if we're talking Hebrew and you split up the word. The Temple didn't see those fruits, as they misunderstood what to do. Some puns are not meant to be funny. They are meant to be educational.

Please remind me to say Hatarat Nedarim before Rosh Hashana. I promised I wouldn't forget it this year. (Mordechai)
You get it? Hatarat Nedarim is annulling vows. He vowed he wouldn't forget to annul the vows. Another vow. He has to annul that too. If he doesn't show up, he's in trouble.
 
I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.

I paid for a top of the line Etrog, but ended up with a real lemon. (Mordechai)​
You get it? Etrogs are a citrus fruit. They look like lemons. You can't use a lemon as an Etrog on Sukkot. Kids do, because they can't tell the difference. Cars that are lemons are not good. So the Etrog wasn't good. It was a lemon.

Announcements
The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah.
 
Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book.
 
Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. 
 
We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board.
Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants…
Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you…
Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal...
They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff.
The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes...
People hear it all. All is heard...
They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do...

The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin...
The heaven and earth are listening. 
The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent...

Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity...
 
(Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up...
You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off...
Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'...
The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?!
If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked...

(Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted...

(Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.'
Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972...
From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul...
I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace...
And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it…
There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it...  H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers...
Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover.
 
If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin...
Good Shabbis. That's H.'
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. 

The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. 
It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much.
The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board.

The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them
'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' 

Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip.
I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't.

Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here.
When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me.
With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel.
 
The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.'

The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel.
No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened.
It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it.
As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync.

I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.'
 
The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf.
The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left.
I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights.
 
Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance.
Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said.

The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. 
It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul.

Announcements
No more Shofar blowing in the shul hallways. Benjamin. You know you can't blow. The Gabai didn't ask you to blow for the shul this year, for a reason. We also suggest you don’t blow with the windows open to your home either. Too much anti-semitism has been caused, due to your poor Shofar blowing abilities. Your neighbors already hear you screaming at your kids. Your children not helping take out the trash has already caused much hatred.
 
If you haven’t repented yet, the rabbi will help you after services with the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He will tell you how annoying you are and how much God doesn’t like you right now. The message of the rabbi’s Shabbat Shuva Sermon will be, ‘If you listen to me and stop talking in shul, H’ might love you too… When you are thinking of sinning, think of what Bernie would do and don't do it. And listen to your rabbi.’
 
There will be no huge meals for kids in shul this Yom Kippur. These kids refuse to eat at school. They come to shul on Yom Kippur and gorge. The rabbi has decided it's wrong to focus on food when he is hungry.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 35:2) 'Six days you shall do work.' That means to do stuff... Coming to shul is doing stuff. It means don't be lazy. Don't be like the board... I worked on this Drasha. I worked, Bernie. I wasn't lazy... A message to you all to change. To not be you. This Shabbat Shuva, return to not being you...
It's Yom Kippur. Just repent already. For crying out loud. Repent.. It's the Ten Days of Repentance. Focus... You need a year. Bernie...

'And the seventh day shall be holy to you, a day of complete rest to the Lord. Whoever does work on it shall be put to death.'
How many of you are required death? That's not the question... The question is how to be holy. Holy. When I come to shul here, I feel like holiness has been taken from me... The way you guys drone the davening. Holiness gone... You kileed my Rosh Hashana...
Moshe gathers the people and this is the first thing he says to them is to keep Shabbat... Telling you to rest is easy. You sleep all the time. The problem is you come up with ideas when you rest...
Why can't the board just rest. Do nothing. Is it that hard to understand to do nothing??? To not ruin the shul??? Just rest and do nothing while you're resting.
The Chazin should rest on Shabbat. Please… All of your work kills the shul
Are we proposing death to those who come up with dumb shul ideas?...
Moshe's talking about Milacha. Work done for the MIshkan. Doesn't mean to not walk to shul.

The board is lazy and does stuff… They should have nothing to do with Shabbis or the shul. They should do other stuff. Stuff during the other six days... Stuff that doesn't have to do with the shul. You're a board. Start up a grocery. Anything outside of the shul.
If you treated the week holy. Maybe showed to Minyin. I would understand your laziness, Mark... It's not holy to not help… In the board’s case it is.
'Holy to you.' It shall be holy to you. You've got to make it holy... By not being around Bernie and the board...
 
Yom Kippur. The day of total rest. The day where we must be cleansed is coming.
Viduy, confession, is how we repent. Regret, confession, and saying you will never do it again. I understand it's hard for Bernie to not be himself anymore. But that is how he makes it holy... Total rest would be for us to not have to deal with Bernie. Atonement...
There's a time for everything. A time to sleep... That's not during the sermon. Michal.

Yom Kippur is a time to fast. A time of total rest. A true Shabbat. I will not be here. On Yom Kippur...  
A day to fast. To repent for your messed up help…
I understand they're kids. Fasting though… They should fast a bit.
Last year, Shmuli pulled out a brisket. It’s not fair to those who are fasting… The kids don’t need a catered Yom Kippur lunch at shul… We want them to enjoy the holiday. I understand. But maybe focus on them enjoying Sukkot and Simchat Torah, and cook a decent dish for once... Work before the holiday. 'Six days you shall work' Rachel. Mike and Rachel. Work before Sukkot to put together a decent dinner for the kids.
I know the Chazin kills it for us all… You can't sleep through that stuff...
 
We rest to repent. Think about where we went wrong. Atonement.
Repent for your bad shofar blowing. It's pathetic Benjamin. It’s embarrassing...
Every preShabbis you scream at your kids… Then shower Thursday night. We know the hot water runs out on Friday. But you don't need to scream at all the kids... I've had your neighborhood showing up to my office, asking if 'shower' is a Hebrew word meaning 'I am going to spank you'... They didn't know if they should report your preShabbis showers to the authorities... Child services should come to shul and run youth groups. 
 
(Devarim 35:5-6) 'Take from yourselves an offering for the Lord. Every generous hearted person shall bring it... gold, silver, and copper, and blue, purple, and crimson wool. And linen and goat hair. And ram skins dyed red, tachash skins, and acacia wood. And oil for lighting, and spices... and shoham stones and stones for the ephod and for the choshen...'
Nowhere does it say a community quilt... We will be putting in the Yizkur appeal. Offer money. Nobody wants your leftover books... Anything in a cardboard box should not be donated. I you sealed it when you were moving. Don't donate it to the shul... If it's an old cracked shofar... Why did you give it to the shul?... You don't have room in your home for a shofar?! If you don't have room in your home, the shul doesn't want it...
It's not generous to have a garage sale and then to drop off what you couldn't sell.
Repent for that donation, Bruce. For that donation, not being holy and not keeping Shabbis...
I can't explain the Ephod  and Choshen now... It would say 'you are wrong'...
No. Don’t donate a quilt… There is a list. A list of what to donate. 
Don’t come up with your own ideas. It kills the shul… This is a message for the board.
 
And stop volunteering. Do useful stuff... You're wise. But not wise-hearted. You're booksmart. That doesn't help with building the shul's Sukkah...
(Devarim 35:10) ‘All wise-hearted among you shall come and do as H’ commanded.’ Talented people… He can play the violin. He’s not making violins. Is he? We love Menashe. We just don't want him volunteering... There is a reason the Torah doesn't say to volunteer the other six days... Because it's a job that nobody wanted to hire you for. There's a reason. There's a reason the board is messed up. All volunteers... Repent for volunteering...
Know your talents. Volunteering is not one of them.

That is what you have to do this Yom Kippur. See your talent and focus on that. Stitching is not your thing. And you have no idea how to work with acacia wood… The president’s talent is not leading our congregation.
Show up and rest. Just rest correctly. If this congregation learned how to rest right, we wouldn't have to deal with messed up stitching and quilts… The Torah says the wise-hearted. This Torah cover is not wise. Get rid of all non-wise-hearted... It's better off than having a board.
 
Shabbat Shuva is now here. Repent.
Repent and don’t do anything. That’s it. Don’t do anything. That is your Mitzvah. Do nothing… Just learn to rest… Don’t do stuff. You ruin it. Everything you do is a sin… It kills the community. 
Confess for trying to help.
 
Scary Simanim are not a way to help. The Rosh Hashana fruit and vegetable signs for killing enemies scares the kids. You scared the kids at the Rosh Hashana Seder, Shlomo. Telling the kids to that our enemies should die like a lemon... They don't know that a lemon is a messed up car... They're afraid to eat cantaloupe now... Pinchas ran, screaming, 'He's got a cantaloupe bomb'… A stroller parking area would be smart… Don't help... It's not work to help. That's volunteering. If you're not wise-hearted volunteering is a sin.
 
As the Chazin. Don’t make Yom Kippur more painful than Rosh Hashana… It's a day of rest... I can't repent when I'm thinking about killing you...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That strong message of 'don't be you and repent already, for crying out loud' didn't touch the congregants. They figured they won't feel bad anymore. After feeling bad every year and still sinning, they realized they're going to mess up again.
The law of confession hasn't worked for the people of our shul yet. They said that their resolutions to not do are never followed. Sidney said that he has said he'll never eat chocolate again. Every year. And he eats it every year. He now said that he'll never do proper confession again, as he believes 'it's wrong to have a commandment to lie.'
 
The whole sul did repent for volunteering. And they agreed that none of them have a decent talent for stitching. It was discussed, and the board agreed that nobody is talented.

Doing stuff ruins the shul. That’s the message of the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It's also the rabbi's message for Yom Kippur. Do nothing please. That is how you do Teshuva. You repent by not doing stuff.
If the congregation would do nothing, we would be better off. Other congregations, with talented people should be encouraged to help. But our members just ruin everything. Even the new paint job on the youth center is messed up.
I think the rabbi wants the board to do stuff. Just not with the shul. Outside of the shul. It's just a beautiful message that our congregants need to hear. 'Stop volunteering. The shul would be better off.'
If they did something helpful during the week, OK. But on Shabbat. They just kill everything.
 
And the artwork. We have a lot of very untalented people doing that stuff. They don’t buy it. They paint it. They think they are the wise-hearted called upon to bring fingerpaint to the shul.
And the walls are messed up. The new youth lounge walls. And it's not the kids painting. It's parents who think they are helping. The rabbi had to write a letter to the congregation defining what is helpful. And none of it had anything to do with anybody from the shul participating.
Though he did say that money is helpful.

Don’t be you. That’s how you repent. That was the message. Don’t be you and don’t help. Please. I hope the parents of the youth get this message.
 
The Chazin kills the shul experience for the High Holidays. He'll never repent for focusing on the words and bringing out the meaning with song. So painful.
 
The shul created a stroller parking lot. That was the only good idea. Donating that sign was useful. And I think it was made from acacia wood.
 
In Youth groups, kids expressed how fearful they were of eating fruit, after the Simanim. The signs are scary. After the congregants didn't show up for the second day Shacharit, due to fear of sleeping after eating gourds and saying that enemies should die by a witch who has a nose like a gourd, it was decided that our community isn't ready to curse our enemies with vegetation.
Rosh Hashana dunking of the apple in honey is now the only shul Siman tradition again. The scary Simanim have scared the kids too much. Getting them back to Kiddish and eating carrots dunked in Chumus will take time.

The High Holiday seats this year are messed up. They moved everybody around. It's like musical chairs for this board. Nobody was in their Makom Kavuah, set seat. There's a reason it's called a set seat. I think they feel that it will lead to better decorum, to have people sitting in 'not their seat that they paid for.' One of the board members is a teacher, and they said that it's better for classroom management to mix up the seats sometimes. She said nothing about the High Holidays and shul, and people getting angry and starting fights. I don't think she teaches eighty year olds who've been sitting in the same seat since their Bar Mitzvah.
When the congregants show up on Yom Kippur, when three quarters of the membership pops in for their yearly visit to make sure their parents are in the Yahrzeit book, they will not be happy. They won't just be asking what page we're on. They're going to be asking where their seat is, and how their family's seats got lost.
What a dumb board. Who loses family seats. I think they have to bring back the lifetime memberships. How they got rid of the first ones is an anomaly. To get the members to pay for another lifetime membership, will be a tough sale.
 
Some people are happy they have no seat. They hate their lifetime seats anyways. They’re happy the lifetime memberships are now gone.
 
The High Holiday between paragraph moan was by accident. Bernie was sitting and it just came out. It was a perfect drone. And then he fell back asleep.
 
Shofar blowing was off. An eight second Tekiah Gedola. A letdown. I will be surprised if anybody comes to shul next year.
Chazin was new. Did tunes nobody knew. Mark protested and started singing the correct tune for Areset Sifataynu after the shofar blowing. The community spoke up. The Chazin tried doing his tune. One woman said, 'Keep quiet. This is our tune. We don't need you.' The Chazin was silent the rest of the time. You couldn't hear a thing. It was the only time the rabbi smiled all Rosh Hashana. He’s not going to mess up the vChol Ma’aminim prayer again
There was no Kiddish on Rosh Hashana and nobody came the second day.
 
Rabbi’s Sermons for Rosh Hashana:
Talked about how Avraham did the journey and fulfilled his part of doing his Mitzvah of the binding of Yitzchak. And how nobody in our shul even walks half a mile to shul. He then said that H’ can stop stuff, like congregants being annoying. But even so, we have to do our part. It's the journey of the Mitzvah and having to deal with Bernie. And even though he's been dealt a messed up shul and board, he does what he can. So he still get the Mitzvah, even if they can't paint.
He then said that people with disabilities get the reward for the Mitzvahs they can do. And pointed out that nobody in the congregation at that moment had a disability and they are just lazy and unhelpful. 
There was a Frum Jew there for the one of the sermons. The rabbi used the word Hishtadlus, so the other guy wouldn't think we're Apikorsim (heretics). The rabbi tried throwing in Yiddish, but all he knows is Zei Gezunt. He said Zei Gezunt thirty times. And the other guy the Frum Jew thought our rabbi is an Apikores. Truth is he used it well when the guy sneezed. I think that's the right time to say Zei Gezunt.
The rabbi is onto something. I've noticed that the smart people in the shul always throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish word. When you use Hebrew or Yiddish, it’s a proof. Once they use that word, they win the Halachaik argument about Jewish law. Even if it’s not Torah, just throwing in a word like 'it's a Bayit SheNofel' wins you the argument. I know that was more than a word, but I needed it to make the point. They said 'a house that falls' in Hebrew, and the argument was over. They won. They were discussing how long the Shofar blow was. Nothing to do with houses. but it was Hebrew, and with the Brooklyn Yeshiva accent, it sounded Yiddish.
He started this new way of preaching where there is a call for action. He treats the congregation now like a social media post. He also used props the next day. Thank Gd that stopped after a while. He was bringing huge props. One speech he brought in a twelve gallon pot of Matzah balls, to show how important it is to feed people. His back went out, and he stopped with the props.

Thanks to the board's new focus on youth there's nothing for old people. All they talk about are the kids. Old people are not wanted in the shul's new programs, and I think the board is going to cost the shul a lot of money lost off death. If you can't tell people that one of their family members died, you can't pull in donations.
I believe they’re trying to find members that don’t lick their fingers before turning pages. The pages of the Siddurs have been hard to move recently. It's quite disgusting. And I see them licking their fingers to turn the pages.

And the Haftorah on the first day was messed up. Charles didn't prepare. He messed up so many words, but people were cheering for him at the end. He came out of the Haftorah like a champ. After the Pesukim about Chana, when he went into the Brachas, he had gustto. 
No self-awareness. Just went out like a star.
 
And nobody understood the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. The whole idea about resting on Shabbat being not resting, went over everybody's head. And the board still messed up the shul. But they were all mad at the Chazin.

Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
​
Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
​
Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

The Rambam teaches that to do Teshuva (repentance) correctly, you must confess (Viduy) and say 'I will never do it again.' We learn from here that the most important part of repentance is to lie.

Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 1:1 To do proper Teshuva, you must do Viduy which consists of ‘Please H’, I have sinned by accident, I have sinned purposefully, I have sinned in defiance, before You. And I did such and such. And I regret and am embarrassed by my deeds. And I will never return to this again.’
Hence lying is the essence of Teshuva. You have to lie to God with sincerity. ‘H’. I feel so bad for having a good time. I will never do it again… Or at least until after Sukkot, when You stop judging us.’

This guy seems to have done every sin imaginable. The real question is, what is 'such and such'?
'Such and such' is a long list. It usually starts with eating chocolate. Chocolate seems to be the biggest sin people are worried about. That's why you hear about vows of not eating chocolate again when it comes to New Years. 
Other such and suches are 'I had the best burger of my life at Wendy's.' 'I watched too many series and didn't learn enough Torah.' 'People needed me and I enjoyed myself instead.'
I've got to be honest. If somebody every tells me they did such and such, our relationship is over. Nobody does such and such to me and gets away with it. It's rude.

Have you ever heard anybody regret something and not do it again? No. People always eat chocolate again. 
The statement my congregants should make is, ‘It will never happen again till Sukkot, when I forget about it.’ Or 'I would've never said that if I wasn't worried that I would be written in the book of death.' Or 'It's my rabbi's fault. I blame him for everything.'

I pray for all that you will be able to celebrate full repentance, and stick to your lies, so you don't end up in Gehenim. And those lies should have you written in the book of life, enjoying chocolate.

The Skeptical Litvak – They All Are
The rebbe didn't show up for Selichot prayers during the Ten Days of Repentance. The people of Nemirov asked, ‘Where is the Rebbe?’ And all the disciples now had to repent for speaking Lashon Hara. Speaking gossip is a sin. You shouldn’t ask such questions. It leads to gossip. But they did, as it was about the rebbe, and everybody talks about rabbis. People love to talk about rabbis. You see the rabbi at the restaurant and everybody’s talking about how he didn’t have enough intent with his blessing, and too little stuffed derma. 
Discussion continued and the Chasidim knew there is only one place their rebbe could be. In heaven.
A Litvak came to the town during this time of Selichot, early in the morning, and he noticed the rebbe's absence. The pupils of the Rebbe of Nemirov said, ‘Where is our Rebbe? He is in heaven.’ And the Litvak laughed. It was more of a guffaw. We all know Litvaks are very sarcastic. They’re straight and they have no creativity with their practice of Mitzvot. When was the last time a Litvak celebrated Shabbat by starting a bonfire, playing an electric guitar, throwing together some fireworks, and tanning a hide? No creativity.
 
Upon hearing that their rebbe was in heaven, the Litvak knew the rebbe was up to something. To quote the Litvak, ‘I have seen many people try to get out of Minyin. People love to skip Selichot. I’ve heard people were sick, with a cough. I’ve heard people had to go to work. They didn’t even have a job. I’ve even heard people say they had to watch their kids, when we had babysitting at the shul. But using heaven as an excuse to get out of services?!’
The Litvak laughed and reprimanded, ‘You fools. Your rebbe is not in heaven. Even Moshe, our great leader, didn't go up to heaven. It’s impossible.’ And the Litvak said, ‘I will find out.’ And he did.

Sleeping Under Somebody’s Bed is Not Comfortable – Even if They Are a Rebbe
That evening, the Litvak snuck into the rebbe's house and slept under his bed. The Litvak was scared. Of course, he was scared. It was even creepy back then to sleep under somebody's bed. But the Litvak did it.
I don’t suggest sleeping under anybody’s bed. There is no precedent to sleep under somebody’s bed, unless if you are their student. Then it makes sense. You learn their snoring patterns, and you can be a better disciple.
He wanted to see what the rebbe was up to. He had to get to the bottom of this skipping prayers racket the rebbe was running. And the Litvak was going to figure it out, by trespassing and hiding under the rebbe’s bed, and taking some of the rice cakes he found in the kitchen. It wasn’t easy. He couldn’t breathe normally or the rebbe would figure him out. He also couldn’t breathe normally, because of the dust under the rebbe’s bed. The rebbe wasn’t known for sweeping. They didn’t have Swiffers back then.
It was a hard night and the Litvak didn’t get much sleep. The rebbe even took a fly swatter and smacked him with it a few times, thinking his room was infested with loud bedbugs.
 
What Rebbes Do When They Skip Prayers and Selichot
The next morning, when all had left the house, the rebbe got up. ‘Ah Ha. The rebbe wakes up late. Everybody else was out of the house at 5:30am and the rebbe is only moving at 5:35am. A sloth,’ thought the Litvak, ‘I got him.’ Then, the rebbe put on peasant clothes, and took an ax and rope with him. The rebbe went to the forest and cut down a tree, then cut it into pieces and tied it in the rope. He was the only in shape rabbi I’ve ever heard of. I’ve never heard of a rabbi who does anything but go to the shvitz. Rabbis sit and sweat. They don’t exercise. Not the Rebbe of Nemirov. He exercises. Two hundred pushups every morning. The Litvak was lucky he skipped them that day.
Legend has it that no other rabbi could take the Rabbi of Nemirov in an arm wrestle. But that's a different story of inspiration. He competed in strong man competitions and lumberjack carries under the name Vlad.
The rebbe started dragging the wood. The Litvak was still there, following the rebbe. He was very good at stalking. He had done it before. If I recall correctly, there was another time the Litvak slept under a rabbi’s bed because he was interested in finding out what he wears under his Bekishe. What’s under the rebbe’s coat has always been an anomaly,
The Litvak was disturbed. Why did the rebbe need to start a wood business? Why are his disciples not paying him enough? Why do the rebbe’s students not sleep under his bed? Are they just not good pupils? Why is the rebbe killing the forest? There were many questions.
 
The rebbe dragged the wood to a poor women's house who was sick, and he knocked on the door. You don’t just enter a house, unannounced. She probably would’ve shot the rebbe.
This story is based on the Chasid's account. That student of the rebbe was following the Litvak. I can’t tell you what kind of house it was. You have to ask the Litvak. I believe it was wood. Might have been brick. Not a sturdy foundation. A very nice kitchen. Granite countertops. Granite was big in the 1800s.
The poor woman asked, ‘Who’s at my door.’ The Rebbe said, ‘Vassil.’ Vassil is not a Jewish name. Nobody names their kid Vassil. It hurts their chances at a good Shidduch.
She told the rebbe he can come in. The rebbe’s sale, posing as Vassil, was, ‘You don’t have money? You can repay me later. You believe in Gd, but you don’t believe that He will give you six kopeks?’
The rebbe wasn’t a very good businessman. He could’ve got more than six kopeks out of her. He could’ve told her that she didn’t have to pay him a thousand kopeks. But he didn’t. He missed the moment to make a bit. The Litvak however, learned a valuable lesson. The Litvak became very rich later in life, when he sold a house for eight million kopeks, by telling the guy that if he believes in Gd he should buy it. The guy purchasing the house only had a million kopeks. With newfound belief in Gd, due to the Litvak’s sales technique, the guy borrowed the rest from the bank. The guy lost the house when he couldn’t make the first payment. Thank Gd, the Litvak got top dollar on the deal,
 
What Happens in A Poor Women's House
The rebbe entered the poor women’s house. As the rebbe put the wood in the oven, he recited the first portion of Selichot in a groan. That’s the tradition. I know they do that at my shul. It’s early in the morning and you’re supposed to express how tired you are when repenting. If you show Gd how hard it is, and complain, He’s more merciful.
When the wood began to burn and it became bright, he recited the second portion of Selichot with more joy. When the fire was lit and ready, he recited the third portion and shut the oven.
Why the rebbe shut the stove, we don’t know. We hope the stove still made the room warm, even though he shut it.
The Litvak was amazed that the rebbe knew the Selichot by heart. And who could recite the Selichot so fast?! The rebbe himself had been skipping the prayers all this time.

The Litvak became a Chasid of the Rabbi of Nemirov. And every year, when they spoke of the rebbe ascending to heaven during the Days of Awe, the Litvak wouldn’t laugh anymore. The Litvak would say, 'If not higher.' And then he would tell everybody how the rebbe Davens too fast and had to work on his Kavanah.

Lessons of What Followed
The Litvak learned the lesson from the rebbe and stopped going to shul.
He started working as a laborer and never helped with Minyin again. The community wanted him to help with the quorum, but he said he can get closer to Gd by not showing up.
Years later, the Chasidim of the rebbe learned of his great Mitzvah. Once the story got out, they couldn't get a Minyin in Nemirov for Selichot anymore.
Many don’t know the truth behind the story. It was the rebbe’s morning workout. He had to get it out of the way, and he knew the Litvak was following him. He couldn’t just chop down a tree and leave it. The Litvak would know the rebbe was just trying to get jacked.
Why the rebbe didn't use his strongman name, 'Vlad,' we will never know.
The rebbe groaned when putting in the wood, for he killed his back carrying the bundles all the way to the sick woman’s house. The Litvak couldn't get a hint. The least the Litvak could’ve done is offer to help. If you’re stalking somebody already, you might as well help.
The rebbe was singing the Selichot more joyously once the oven was lit, as he wasn’t freezing anymore. The house was very cold. Being the proper guest the rebbe is, when he’s in the character of Vassil, he didn’t want to complain to the woman.
The poor woman tried finding Vassil to pay him the six kopeks. She wanted to pay him back so badly. Trying to pay back Vassil, she got caught in the cold and came down with pneumonia. If she would’ve known it was the rebbe, she would’ve been a healthier woman. She would’ve went to his house and even given a donation to the Yeshiva.
The Litvak couldn’t mock the rebbe anymore and he lost his sense of humor.
 
***For the story, also see I.L. Peretz’s Selected Stories

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life.  But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it. 
As a woman, I will give you some advice.

Yizkur
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
 
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.

Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost  loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.

You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.

Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out. 
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.

Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.

Simchat Torah
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.

After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel. 

In preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, we say what is known as Slichot. From the word 'forgive' we go through a process every year of saying beautiful prayers, asking Gd for forgiveness. These prayers of introspection and praise, asking Gd to show His Mercy, are usually said in the morning, before the Shacharit serivce, and I find myself showing up late.
As part of my repentance process, I hope it’s fine that I open up my heart to you. I'm good at the Shacharit daily morning prayer service, but I have to get better at my Slichot focusing abilities. Don’t judge me. Many share my issues.
Here are my excuses for not making it to Slichot on time and spacing out.
 
It’s Too Early
They do Slichot before the morning prayers, Shacharit. I can't get up for Shacharit. I don't know what the rabbis expect from me. I'm assuming they want me to prepare for the High Holidays without sleep. Something to do with repentance through tiredness.
Most of the community doesn’t show up for the morning service. And that's on Shabbat. I don't know if that's because of how early it is. It's at 9am. For the community, it might have something to do with when they're serving Kiddish. If you can't get danish, I also don't see the point in showing up before eleven.
Personally, I can’t wake up for the Slichot. I just got access to Netflix. I’m getting caught up in too many exciting series, and now they want me to be up at 6am?! Please don’t question my drive, enthusiasm, and commitment to our religion. I am very committed to catching up on Shtisel.
 
I Get Frustrated When It Takes Too Long
The Chazan, leader of the services, is focusing on the prayers too much. And I'm focusing on him.
I understand that I’m supposed to be thinking about bettering myself. I can’t do that when I’m thinking about why the Chazan added two notes to the Hebrew words for 'wicked attributes.' It's hard to do Teshuva, repentance, when you're thinking about hurting the Chazan. By the way, adding notes to a tune at 6am is a wicked attribute.
The Chazan has to read faster. If they’re going to lead me and the congregation at 6:15am, they have to stop thinking about the words. You lead the people at their level. Our level is thinking about when it’s going to be over. That’s what the congregation is doing until we start Shacharit. 
Devout starts at 7:30am.
 
I Show Up and I am Falling Asleep      
Allow me to reiterate. It’s early. Even if I do wake up, it’s 6:15am. I’m falling asleep.
I’m not to blame. I’m tired.
Proof that I’m tired? I fell asleep on the pew. Anybody that falls asleep on a non-cushioned wooden bench that sits you at an acute angle should be forgiven for falling asleep in shul. They need that sleep. I should not have been woken up.
 
I Have No Idea What the Words Mean
My Hebrew is so bad. I can’t understand half the words. 
I’m good with the 'Avinu Malkeinu' prayer. We say the words 'Avinu Malkeinu,' meaning 'our Father our King,' every line in that prayer and I am all in on it. There, I know two words in each sentence. That gets me excited. If we had a prayer saying 'Todah' and that's it, I would be fully focused on that prayer, thanking Gd. It’s the poetic beauty of the prayers, the meaningful words of glory, that ruin it for me.
I feel so dumb when I'm saying the Slichot. Everybody else is saying them with such confidence; kind of like they're proud of their sins. I'm sitting there like a fool, trying to figure out how Aramaic turned into Hebrew. We need a first-grade level Slichot book; a Slichot book where I can trace the letters. That would give me something to do.
Who taught Eliezer HaKalir Hebrew? I have no idea what he is saying. There’s no way he was writing Hebrew. They don’t teach that at day school. I am lost all the way through Simchat Torah. Anything written in acrostic form, I skip it.
 
I Bought a Slichot Prayer Book That Translates Hebrew into Hebrew
I tried. I thought it would help. Catch this. It didn’t. The word “Ritzazta,” translation is “Nipatzta.” Now there are two words I don’t know.
I prayed to Gd that my not understanding any Hebrew should be my punishment. That was my prayer. Now, I bring a dictionary to shul. That's what I spend all of my time doing during Slichot. Ever tried finding the Hebrew root words? That'll keep you occupied for a few Slichot sessions.
 
I am Too Tired to Really Mean I am Guilty
I’m saying I am guilty, but I'm thinking about the fact that my car needs an oil change. I space out before 7.
I should be thinking about my possible sins. I probably slipped and said a bad word about somebody. Did I pay dues? Did I forget to give change when they purchased the book? I’m not thinking about that when I say 'we tooketh advantage of others willingly and not willingly... we spoketh evil and words of deceit.' I’m too tired to connect to the Hebrew spiritual wording of 'thou' and 'saidith.' The extra use of 'th' comprehension doesn’t happen for me before 7:30am.
 
I Like the Songs Too Much to Feel Bad
I say I’m guilty and I feel bad, but actually feel good about it. I love the song 'we have sinned, we have rebelled…' It’s a great ditty. I sing that song and I'm feeling great. I sing it at joyous occasions too. It’s spiritual and heartwarming. I love the part where we sing the melody of 'speaking deceitfully' to a 'Yay Nay Nay.' I’m hitting my chest in penitence of joy. It’s a great tune.
 
I am a Slow Reader 
I can’t keep up. No matter how long it takes, I’m still behind.
They should’ve had Hebrew speed-reading classes in Jewish Day School. That would’ve got me praying right. Now, I go with the speed of the Chazan. He finishes, that means I am finished. That is why I get mad when he’s thinking about the meaning of the words. When he does that, I can't skip anything.
Speed-Hebrew abilities also gets less people mad at me with the unvowing the vows. I've been ousted from communities for reading that too slowly.

I Didn’t Do all The Sins
I take too much pride in the fact that I am not the 'evil' one in the community. I like to justify my showing up late with the fact that I didn’t give evil counsel this year. I also didn’t murder anybody.
I was looking right at Mike when I said “Nipatzta.” He knew what I meant. 
After letting Mike know he was a sinner, I fell asleep. I feel like I did my part of the Slichot for the community that day.

I'm Trying
Though I have trouble reading before 7am, I’m thinking about getting the Slichot with the English translation.
If they put out another good series on Netflix or Amazon, I have no idea if I'll show to Slichot. I want to be there to repent for the sins of the other people who messed up. Even so, a decent series will take priority, and that's on the streaming service. And yes, it's a service too.
I know, I have to learn more Hebrew. That should be one of the sins I repent for this year; my Hebrew reading comprehension abilities. 
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The Shofar Gets Me Mad
This does wake me up. I can't sleep through somebody blowing the ram's horn right next to me. Yes. I'm using this as a chance to vent.
Who thinks it's a good idea to blow the shofar two feet away from me at 6:30am? I understand it's a beautiful Mitzvah, but that's early. It's the right thing to do, but it hurts my ears. I know it's supposed to wake us up to do Teshuva, but it's giving me more reasons to want to hurt the Chazan.

I hope my rabbi forgives me for this article. Though, I did write it before 7:30am.